Chapter Text
3rd October 1985
London
Freddie's POV
For some reason I kept thinking about that line from The Beatles song...'I read the news today...oh boy...' It seemed fitting as I was handed the newspaper and informed that Rock Hudson had died. It was like a gut punch. Here was a famous man who had hid his personal life from the world and worked as a successful actor for decades. He was one of the Hollywood elite and had countless friends in the business. Friends who knew he was gay and kept his secret.
Now the whole world knew. They only knew because he had contracted AIDS. It has been a major news story since July and the tabloids had gone into overdrive to print stories about his past and his secret affairs with men. Raking him over the coals and exposing everything as he slowly ebbed away. Seeing these articles shook me to my core as I saw a private life made public. His reputation destroyed and his legacy permanently scarred.
I hadn't really talked to anyone about it, but I found myself reading any article printed about AIDS. About HIV. While I tried to avoid the gossip sheets, I found I couldn't ignore them. I needed to know what was being said about other people. About the gay community. It was shocking to see the vile things said in print. The judgement and rebuking of people living that lifestyle. A constant reference was made to this being a plague set upon my kind as some kind of punishment. It made any inclination I ever had about being more public about my private life disappear.
Now I saw watching the ITV news report and the top story was about Rock. I sat and watched. Unable to bear it, yet unable to turn away. The reality of the situation made me realize something and I shuddered as I could no longer deny that I needed to get a test.
"Freddie...Roger's on the phone..." Phoebe announced as he walked into my line of vision. I kept my eyes on the program and reached for the phone on the table next to me. Picking it up as I watched the end of the story.
"Hello dear..."
"I know you've heard...Phoebe told me..." Roger replied.
"Yes...I'm watching the news as we speak..." I confirmed.
"How are you feeling about it?" Roger asked me. "With him being outed and judged in the press..." he said as I reached for my cigarettes. My eyes still on the television as the news story ended.
"Probably the same as you dear..." I replied. "Absolutely amazed at how vile the newspapers are and those fucking people on television who keep saying this is a punishment for our sins are an abomination!" I complained.
"That's about how I'm feeling..." Roger concurred. I lit my cigarette and grabbed the television remote. Switching off the news. No longer interested in their reporting on the matter. Somewhat disgusted by it all.
"Have you talked to Brian about it?" I questioned.
"No...I'll see him in the studio today..." Roger answered. We were all headed into the studio this afternoon to work on a new song.
"I will see you there I guess..." I told him. Not sure what else to say.
"Freddie...can I ask you something?" Roger suddenly stated in a contemplative tone. I had a feeling I knew what the question would be.
"Of course..." I replied as I prepared to answer.
"Have you had a test yet?" he asked. Exactly what I knew was on his mind.
"No...but I imagine it's time..." I answered in a quiet manner. We were both silent as I worked on draining my cigarette.
"See you at the studio..." Roger finally remarked.
"Yes...see you then..." I replied and hung up the phone.
---------------------------------
15th October 1985
London
Brian's POV
"I'm off for the studio..." I announced as I carried my cup to the sink. Chrissie remained seated as she read the rest of the newspaper and ate her lunch. Resting on top of a bed pillow to offer her more comfort. She could have the baby at any time now.
"How long do you think you'll be?" she questioned as she looked up at me.
"Probably until it's time to go see Felix..." I replied. Not wanting to make a promise I couldn't keep.
"Jimi is excited..." she pointed out as I walked over to her to say goodbye. "I just hope him being out late doesn't make him too sleepy for school..." Chrissie pondered as I leaned down and pressed a kiss to her forehead. She smiled at me.
"I think he'll manage one late night..." I assured her. I knew Jimi wasn't going to give up finally seeing his new brother.
"Call me if you need to..." I reminded her as I headed out of the kitchen.
"I will...have a good session..." she said as I grabbed my coat from the front closet and reached for my bag.
"Thanks...bye..." I replied and headed out.
-----------------------------------------
I handed my demo tape to the technician and had a seat next to the others. We all waited for the tape begin playing and I watched the others for their reaction to the song. Freddie in particular, as the decision about how it would be sang were a bit demanding. I struggled through the vocal on my demo in some parts and Freddie eyed me as he listened. It finally finished. The first run through of 'Who Wants To Live Forever.'
"You sure like to make me climb the highest mountains on your bloody songs!" Freddie half complained to me. Smiling in a teasing manner as he said it. I smirked back.
"Only because I know you can do it!" I pointed out in a snide retort. Freddie's expression softened.
"It is a beautiful piece dear..." he told me sincerely. "It's perfect for the film..." he said in a complimentary tone.
"It's really nice..." Deacy said as Roger nodded agreement.
"It is Bri..." Roger told me. "It's quite powerful..." he said as I smiled at his approval.
"Thanks..." I told them all. "I quite like it..." I concurred as we all shared a warm expression.
"Let's talk about your arrangement..." Freddie suggested as he walked to the piano. Taking a seat as I pulled out my notebook.
"Freddie...you've got a phone call..." Crystal announced over the intercom. He got up from the piano.
"Give me a minute..." he requested and walked from the room. I opened my notebook to find my notes as Deacy got up to get some coffee. Roger leaned over my shoulder to look at my notes.
"It really is good babe..." Roger said as he placed a hand on my shoulder.
"It will be even better when Freddie sings it..." I pointed out. Roger squeezed my shoulder.
"I know some parts were a struggle for you...but you sounded really nice on the intro..." he replied. It made me feel good to hear it. The door opened and Freddie came back in. Looking right at me.
"Now you've got a call..." Freddie informed me as he walked towards me. I got up and Roger stepped back as I headed for the control room. I went in and found the tech gesturing at the wall phone. It was blinking. I went over and pressed the button as I picked up the handset.
"Hello..."
"Brian...it's me..." Chrissie replied in a matter of fact voice. "I'm sorry to call you at the studio...but I've gone into labor..." she informed me. My eyes went wide as I realized she was having the baby.
"Are you sure?" I questioned. Remembering the false alarms that often occur before the actual event.
"Brian...I'm a trained midwife...I know when someone is in labor..." she reminded me coolly. I felt like an idiot.
"Right...sorry..." I told her meekly. My face warm with embarrassment. "I'll head home right now..." I told her.
"I think you should just meet me at the hospital..." she replied. "The car service is on their way to collect me and I called Sam's mother and she is going to pick up Jimi from school..." Chrissie explained. She had adeptly made a plan with Jimi's friends mother in the event she went into labor on a school day. I admired her organization and execution.
"I'm on my way..." I told her and hung up the phone. I tried to get excited by the prospect of seeing the baby soon and realized I had forgot to ask how she was doing. How she was feeling on the call. I felt bad about it as I returned to the others to inform them I had to leave.
"I'm afraid I've got to go..." I announced as I looked at them all. Seeing their surprise at my news.
"We've just got started..." Freddie complained. Deacy had a knowing look on his face.
"It's Chrissie isn't it?" he asked. "Is the baby coming? he questioned.
"Yes..." I replied as Roger nodded and Freddie shifted to excitement.
"Do you want me to drive you?" he offered. "I've got my car here..." he advised. I had not driven myself in today and now regretted it. A ride from Roger wasn't unwelcome in the least though.
"Yeah..." I answered as I grabbed my things and Roger began collecting his as well.
------------------------------------------
"You excited?" Roger asked me as he drove towards the private maternity hospital Chrissie had chosen to give birth at. It was the Queen Charlotte hospital and was just down Goldhawk Road from the studio where we're working at today.
"I am..." I answered half truthfully. "I need something good in my life right now..." I confessed. "Something to take my mind off my Dad and off of our situation..." I explained. Roger nodded understanding and seemed pensive.
"I know you're miserable Brian..." he remarked. "I hope the baby will makes things more bearable for you..." Roger said sincerely.
"I hope so too..." I agreed. "It's funny..." I said as I considered my life right now. "When I'm in the studio with you all and we're busy on a song or an idea...I can forget about everything else..." I told him. "I can forget that we're not really together and that I'm with Chrissie and that my father isn't hiding his cancer from me..." I confessed. "For those hours...everything is just like it once was..." I dreamed. Roger formed a small smile.
"I know what you mean..." he said as he focused on driving. "Sometimes I wish my Dad had offed himself ages ago or driven his car into a tree or something..." Roger admitted. "I don't understand how he continues to breathe in this world and the better father is the one who got cancer..." Roger said bitterly. He turned and looked at me. "It should be the other way around..." he declared. I appreciated his words but it didn't change what had happened.
"I guess that is what that statement means..." I remarked. "Only the good die young..." I said as Roger frowned at me.
"You don't know that your father is going to die Brian..." Roger said firmly. "Don't think like that!" he cautioned.
"If my father was confident the cancer wasn't going to win...I would already know he has it..." I told him plainly. "I'm just trying to face the worst scenario Rog...I do want him to live..." I clarified.
"Right..." he agreed as he sighed and slowed down. We were already at the hospital.
"Thanks for bringing me..." I told him as we both fought the compulsion to kiss each other goodbye. Roger reached over with his hand and took mine. Squeezing it.
"I love you Brian..." he told me with a sweetness in his voice. "Forever..." he added as our eyes conveyed everything we mean to each other.
"Forever..." I replied as I pulled my hand from his and slipped out of the car.
**** 7 hours later ****
"You have a girl!" Billie, the midwife announced as Chrissie laid back and let out a massive breath of relief. The baby was laid gently on her abdomen. Still crying a bit as the midwife tended to her.
I was in awe of Chrissie's self control and management of birth. I knew the pain would be intense and she had weathered every contraction with focus and determination. Never letting on that the pain was too much or complaining about the long process of delivering a baby.
She had gripped my hand tightly multiple times and actually groaned more than once but the tears that finally slid from her eyes down her cheeks were the ones she shed knowing her baby was safely in the world and her work was done.
Now the baby was being placed in her arms and the look of immediate love and adoration on Chrissie's face did lift my spirits. Seeing the pure joy she radiated at finally being a mother made all my own misery worth this moment.
"My sweet little girl..." Chrissie cooed to her as she stroked her cheek and looked her over. "Oh... you are just so perfect..." she whispered to her. Chrissie looked over at me as her fingers examined the baby's head. Noticing the lack of hair. "She doesn't have your curls..." she noted.
"She's just beautiful..." I told Chrissie. "Her hair hasn't come in yet and we'll see if she has your hair or mine..." I added.
"I know..." Chrissie replied. "I had just imagined a little mass of ringlets..." she remarked as she continued looking over her new little girl.
"We need to get her measurements and clean her up..." the midwife announced as she stepped closer. Chrissie nodded and let Billie take the baby. "We'll just be a few minutes..." she assured Chrissie as she walked over to the other side of the room.
"She's already calm...just like you..." I remarked as Chrissie shifted a little to get more comfortable. I reached for a fresh damp cloth and handed it to her as she used it to wipe her face. Steadily eyeing the midwife as she gave the baby a quick wash and took her vitals.
"She's so long...she gets that from you..." Chrissie replied with an amused expression. "I imagine she'll be taller than me before she's a teenager..." she surmised. We both shared a slight giggle at the notion.
"I imagine so..." I replied. The midwife returned with a clean baby swaddled in a blanket.
"Here she is..." Billie declared quietly. "She's just lovely Chrissie..." she remarked as she told her the baby's weight and measurements and that everything looked good. Chrissie took the baby back and cuddled her for a few minutes. I leaned over and stroked her little cheek. Running my hand over her small bald head and finding myself somewhat smitten with the tiny girl.
"Go ahead and hold her..." Chrissie offered. "Then you can call Jimi and tell him he has a sister..." she stated. I instantly wanted to correct her and remind her that Jimi does have a sister. Tiger Lily is still his sister! I held my tongue and tried not to frown as I took the baby from Chrissie. Not wanting to be annoyed at this important moment. I forgot how small and light newborns are. So delicate but strong at the same time. I let go of my irritation and just took in the sight of my little girl as I held her in my arms.
"Do you have a name for her?" Billie asked as she began cleaning Chrissie up from the delivery. I looked up at Chrissie for her answer. Since the baby was hers primarily, I had left that decision up to her. I know she had narrowed it down to a few names for each gender.
"I think she'll be Louisa..." Chrissie replied. Billie smiled warmly at her.
"That's a lovely choice..." she remarked as she looked at me. "Louisa May..." she stated and grinned. "If she marries an Alcott she could be a famous writer..." she teased. I had a feeling someone might pick up on this if Chrissie chose that name.
"Her father is famous enough..." Chrissie responded before I could say anything. I nodded agreement.
"Yes...some anonymity will be just fine..." I added as Billie continued her work and Chrissie and I focused on Louisa. "I guess I'll go make the call..." I advised as I handed her back to Chrissie. I leaned down and pressed a kiss to my new daughter's forehead and then pressed one to Chrissie's as well. Feeling a bit emotional at the realization I was a father again. Trying to get worked up about it.
I went out to the waiting area adjoining the private suite and picked up the phone. Pulling out the phone numbers Chrissie had jotted down for me. Dialing the number for Sam's house.
"Lawson residence..." a man answered.
"Hi...this is Brian May calling...can I speak to Mrs. Lawson please?" I requested. I checked my watch and found it was just after 9pm so it wasn't terribly late.
"One moment..." the man stated. I wasn't sure if that was Sam's father or a servant.
"Brian!" Mrs. Lawson greeted. "I'm assuming a phone call means the baby is here!" she stated.
"Yes..." I confirmed.
"Jimi will be thrilled!" she responded. "He didn't want to go to bed as he was hoping you'd call..." she explained. "Let me get him and you can tell him the good news..." she said sweetly.
"Thanks..." I replied and waited as she collected my son. I looked around the room and admired how well appointed it was. The private wing here was very nice. I could stay here tonight in a guest bed in the room with Chrissie.
"Hey Dad!" Jimi said excitedly into the phone. "Is the baby here?" he asked me. I smiled at his enthusiasm.
"Yes..." I confirmed.
"Is it a boy?" he instantly questioned.
"It's a girl Jimi..." I advised. "Louisa..." I added so he knew her name.
"Can I call her Louie?" he then asked me as he made a laughing sound. I laughed back imagining the look on Chrissie's face at the nickname.
"We might need to see how Chrissie feels about that..." I cautioned.
"Okay..." he said. "Can I come up and see her?" he then asked. "You were supposed to take me to see Felix tonight..." he reminded me.
"Sorry...I know you were looking forward to that..." I replied. "We can do it in the next few days..." I promised. "Let's just get Chrissie and the baby home and settled first...okay?"
"Alright..." he answered and yawned. It was clear he needed to get some sleep.
"You should go...you've got school in the morning..." I reminded him. "Let me talk to Mrs. Lawson..." I requested.
"Okay..." he told me. "Bye Dad...see you tomorrow?" he questioned.
"Yes...I'll get you from school..." I replied.
"Good night..." he said.
"Good night..." I replied and heard him hang up the phone. I was annoyed that he forgot to get Mrs. Lawson and began dialing the phone again. It rang and I hoped she would answer.
'Hello..." came the familiar female voice. I was relieved.
"Hi...its' Brian again..." I told her. "I asked Jimi if I could speak to you but he hung up..." I explained.
"Yes...he ran off to tell Sam about his new sister..." she told me. "He's so excited!"
"It is exciting..." I agreed. "Thank you for keeping him...I really appreciate it..." I told her.
"It's no trouble at all..." she assured me. "Sam adores Jimi and I do as well...he's such a lamb..." she remarked. I was glad to hear he was well behaved when visiting there.
"I will pick him up from school tomorrow..." I explained. "We will come up to see the baby then..."
"Alright...congratulations Brian...and give Chrissie my best!" Mrs. Lawson replied.
"I will...thanks..." I advised and hung up the phone. I suddenly felt drained and fell back into the sofa. Closing my eyes for a moment. Feeling overwhelmed. Trying to figure out how I ended up in this place. Before I let myself fall into my thoughts, I rose up and returned to Chrissie. Finding her already sitting up and feeding Louisa.
"What did Jimi say?" she instantly asked me as I came back to sit down next to her bed.
"He was excited...he wants to see her!" I advised and grinned. "He wanted to know if he could call her Louie..." I informed her. Chrissie laughed.
"How silly...and sweet..." she remarked. "When are you bringing him up?" she questioned.
"Tomorrow after school..." I confirmed. "I spoke with Mrs. Lawson and she was happy to have Jimi stay over..." I assured her. I watched as Chrissie cradled Louisa. Coaxing her to feed at her breast. I still marveled at the profoundness of it.
"When I finish feeding her...I am going to get some rest..." Chrissie announced. I knew she had to be tired and her second wind of energy at finally seeing her child was waning.
"I'm going to run home and get some clothes..." I told her. She nodded understanding as she focused on the baby. Chrissie then turned and looked at me. Tears forming in her eyes.
"Thank you Brian..." she said as the tears spilled down her cheeks. Making me emotional seeing it. "Thank you for making me a mother..." she told me. Any misgivings I felt about my overall situation faltered as I acknowledged the gift I had given her.
"You're welcome Chrissie..." I replied as I sat and watched her give nourishment to her new child and relish in her arrival. I wished I could be as happy as Chrissie was right now. There was a new child in my life and I love children. A wave of guilt pored through me that I wasn't elated over this. Wasn't feeling the same things she was feeling. This is not how you should feel when you become a parent. I stood up from my chair and leaned over and pressed a kiss to Louisa's head and then one to Chrissie's. "I'll be back..." I stated as I walked from the room and felt like running as soon as I reached the hallway.
I arrived home and paid the taxi driver and went inside. Feeling numb and feeling guilty over how I lacked the appropriate joy in my new daughter's arrival. It was shameful and my stomach knotted as I went straight to the bathroom and thought I might be ill. After standing over the toilet for several minutes, I realized I wasn't going to vomit. I splashed some cold water on my face and went to my bedroom. Walking past the brand new nursery and feeling my stomach knot again at the site of it.
I went to sit on the bed and was jarred from my misery by the sound of the telephone. I decided to let the machine get it and sat there in my sadness as the ringing finished and I knew the machine had picked it up.
I knew I had to get my shit together. I had to just gather some things in a bag and return to the hospital. Put on a happy face and go through the motions. I owed that much to Chrissie and to Louisa. The idea of it felt exhausting. I let out a sigh of resignation and pulled myself from the bed. Getting a bag and shoving some random clothes inside it.
After pulling off my clothes, I stepped into the shower and hoped it would reinvigorate me. Taking solace in the hot water. I finished cleaning up and soon collected my camera and headed back to the hospital. Resigned to my situation and trying to make the best of it.
I walked into the private room and found Chrissie sound asleep. Her hair was still in a long braid and she looked peaceful as she rested from her efforts. There in a small bassinet lay our sleeping daughter. She looked peaceful as well. Already content in the outside world. A pink blanket swaddling her to keep her safe and warm. I squatted down by the bassinet and looked at her. Appreciating her skin and her perfect mouth. Her gentle head and her presence. Wanting to fill myself with the excitement I should have at her arrival.
"It's not your fault little one..." I whispered to her as I pressed a kiss to her forehead. I hoped that neither of my children were ever plagued with the things that go on in my head. The self doubt, the worry, the anxiety, the sleeplessness. The dark places I seem to go. I prayed that Louisa would live and sleep just as she is now. Carefree and content in this maddening world.
16th October 1985
"Can I hold her?" Jimi asked as he sat in the chair at Chrissie's bedside. Looking with awe at his new sister. Cradled in her mother's arms.
"Of course you can..." Chrissie told him. She leaned over as Jimi held his arms up to her. "Keep a gentle but firm hold of her..." she instructed as Jimi listened and obeyed. I snapped a photograph of the handoff and waited to get another as Jimi held her for the first time.
I was heartened to find that seeing him get to meet his new sister did lift me a little. Jimi's face showed his instant affection for Louisa. He turned and looked at me wearing a huge smile. I took the photo right then.
"She's so light!" Jimi exclaimed as he looked back down at her. So smitten.
"She is..." I concurred. "She will grow faster than you imagine..." I pointed out.
"Not too quickly..." Chrissie cautioned as she watched Jimi enjoy his new sibling. She turned to me after a few minutes. "My parents will be down in the morning..." she announced. "They are eager to see her..." she said as she shifted around to get comfortable. Still sore from delivery. "My sister is coming too..." I nodded understanding. She had told me her family was a little shocked at her being an unwed mother, but now that the baby was here, their regard was more about having a new family member and not the societal aspect of it.
"Is there anything you need done at home?" I asked. Trying to be considerate.
"Everything was done at the house the day before I went into labor..." Chrissie answered. "It should be fine..." she said. "They're looking forward to meeting you and Jimi..." she added. Her and Jimi shared a smile and I mirrored them. Not wanting to give away the fact that I was dreading this encounter. I could imagine her parents found me an undesirable partner for her. A musician and not married to her.
"I look forward to it..." I told her as all the attention returned to Louisa.
17th October 1985
It's good to finally meet you..." Mr. Mullen told me as we shook hands. Chrissie's mother and sister immediately went for Chrissie and the baby after saying hello. I did note the family resemblance. The women all having the same short stature and thick brown hair. Her father was taller but I had several inches on him. Despite that, he felt imposing as he looked at me.
"You too..." I replied in a friendly tone.
"It's a shame you couldn't have come up when Chrissie visited for her family baby shower..." Mrs. Mullen remarked to me as she sat on the bed next to her daughter.
"Yes..." Mr. Mullen agreed. "But I suppose your work keeps you away a lot..." he commented in a tone that told me it was a judgement.
"Dad..." Chrissie interjected as she gave her father a sharp look. "We talked about this..." she said in a low voice. Eyeing him with wariness.
"Don't do this!" Mrs. Mullen told her husband as she gave him a pleading look. It was clear there was tension regarding the topic of me as Chrissie's partner. Just as I feared. Mr. Mullen half smiled and turned to his family.
"Let's see the little bundle of joy then...shall we?" he stated as he went over to get his turn holding his new grandchild. I stood back and let the Mullen's enjoy Louisa. Feeling like an outsider. We had brought Louisa home this morning after getting a clean bill of health for her and Chrissie both. Her family had arrived around eleven. Now we were in the newly decorated nursery as the baby was welcomed into their fold. I was happy for Chrissie, but hated the awkwardness I felt as I observed their happy family unit.
"I imagine you need some lunch..." Mrs. Mullen announced to Chrissie after spending some time with her new grandchild. She stood up from the bed and looked at me. "I am going to go downstairs and prepare a nice lunch for us all..." she decided.
"There's already a lasagna in the refrigerator we can heat up and a few casseroles my friends brought over..." Chrissie informed her. Her mother smiled at her.
"Wonderful!" she exclaimed as she clapped her hands and headed out of the room. Mr. Mullen followed and Chrissie sat and watched her sister cuddle the baby and looked up at me.
"If you need to go into the studio..." Chrissie stated. Knowing I needed to get back to work. I nodded to her and walked over.
"You seem all set here..." I remarked as I pressed a kiss to Louisa's head and then shared a quick kiss with Chrissie. Feeling like it was mostly for show for her sister. "I'll see you later then..." I advised as I bid them goodbye. For some reason, I couldn't wait to get out of here. Out of my own home. The arrival of her family and the happy occasion made me miss my own family. I told her parents goodbye as I collected some things from my office and felt assured Chrissie and Louisa were in good hands. We had arranged for a car to collect Jimi from school and I headed for the studio.
I was halfway to Townhouse Studios when I found myself turning my car around. I drove without further thought straight to Feltham. My mother had phoned me to advise me they had come home from hospital a week ago. The treatments were finished and he was recuperating in his own bed. She still asked that I pretend I knew nothing and allow him more time. I had agreed to it. Now, I couldn't take it anymore.
I parked my car and tore from it. Rushing to the front door of my childhood home as I prepared myself for the confrontation. I knocked heavily on the wooden door. My heart racing as I steeled myself. I saw a figure and the door opened. My mother stood there with surprise on her face.
"Brian..." she said as I stepped forward and brushed past her. Not allowing her a chance to talk me into delaying this moment.
"Where is he?" I questioned as I tore into the living room looking for him. Wondering if he was still in bed. Too weak to come down. My mother appeared dismayed at my unexpected appearance. The living room was empty. I heard a sound from his office and rushed to the door. Finding it ajar as I stepped in and found my father seated at his desk. He looked pale and thinner. His cardigan appeared too big on his body. The reality of his illness bore into me as I stepped closer. He turned in his swivel chair to face me.
"Hello son..." he said in a croaked voice. One that confirmed he was in fact as ill as he seemed. I took a step towards him and then found my legs failing me as I fell to my knees. Dropping down in front of him as my emotions overcame me and I fell into his lap. My arms trying to pull him into me as I clung to him. All the anger I felt towards him about hiding from me slipped away as I became engulfed in my fear of losing him. Losing this man who meant so much to me. Who helped shaped me as a man.
"Dad..." I cried out. Feeling his hands on my head as it laid in his lap. My tears streaming onto his trouser legs. I was suddenly that young boy again. Distraught over something and seeking comfort in the security of my father's hold. Needing his assurance that everything would turn out okay. I felt small and I felt scared as he held me as best he could.
"It's going to be alright son..." my father said quietly. I knew it was a lie. But for that moment it was my only measure of solace. The only thing I had to hold on to.