Archive of Our Own ^beta

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Oh mama, how many years of existence passed? Being ruler is, indeed, hard and may put you into quick nap, but that's it, time to get up! Loudest yawn spread through the whole universe, everything started shaking, and yet, it still existed! Ah, so it wasn't just Azathoth dream, how wonderful! God was sitting for a while and decided, that it's time to visit those little fuckers from Earth, aren't they, like, snack farm or something? He sneezed loudly, destroying closest galaxy, and called in his language.

— Nyarlathotep, come here!

Silence, no one showed up. He wasn't very patient, he called his son again, without results. He shouted his name once again, very annoyed that his messenger was nowhere to be found. He picked his massive body up and made his way down the starscapes to personally talk to his deputy. He, as well, was absent. Pissed off god shouted in anger, he had to make his way down the Earth himself, preparing himself food personally! How horrible, he had work to do! When he'll see those two fuckers he's gonna cut them alive...

In the meantime, it was fine day on earth. Certain man was sitting in bright yellow raincoat, eating his ramen and laughing about tentacle hentai with owner of the stand. Then he shakes, he heard screaming of Azathoth. Oh gods, he thought he was asleep! He finished his meal as fast as he could and paid for it, then covered his face with his hood even more, he wouldn't stand anyone finding him, not enjoying human food! "Shit, Hastur, get yourself together! He ain't coming here, there's no way! You'll be alright, YOU ARE FINE!" He was screaming at himself in his own mind, praying that this blind idiot will get to Yog-Sothoth first, that's him he wanted, right? He is the one in real charge, so he is safe, right? OR IS HE? That though run through his mind and he shaked. Why was he scared of that moron anyways? Well, it may be caused by his love to Asian culture. Once he tried onigiri, moon cake, curry... He fell in love, but the one that had made him stay was ramen; this taste, smell... Such a perfection! Hastur snapped back to present and took his phone out of his pocket. He quickly picked number of his certain friend and called her.

— Hey— he started. — Did you hear... *That*?
— Of course I did. Need me to pick you up?
— I'm next to my fav ramen next to that metro station.
— I'll be there in a second.
— Thanks girl, Imma wait.

They hanged up. He really likes her, she was badass yet could be so sweet and cute! He got back into thinking how he loves that part of earth, he didn't want to leave nor hurt, nor destroy it. No other God would appreciate that, but he couldn't help his love. He just found love where it wasn't supposed to be, so for now, man in yellow had nothing left, but to wait.

After more less twenty minutes fierce motorbike showed up with slim girl, covered with fire-patterned leather, matching her vehicle. High and muffled voice got out from under her helmet, which was the only thing that wasn't fire-themed.

— Get on, Gramps, I don't have much time.
— You know, I'm not that old — he said and got on motorcycle. — And if you don't have much time, then why did you pick me up?

She started engine and they drove away in high speed.

— Because you're paying for my house, where to drop you?
— At my place.
— Alright then, hold tight, Gramps!

Loud roars of vehicle's insides accompanied them as they were quickly getting further out of town. It took them 20 minutes to get to forest, where small, wooden cabin was standing and looking as if it's witches house. Of course it was not, Hastur just didn't want any unexpected guests, so it had to look horrible. She stopped and man in yellow slowly made his way towards the door, waving her for a goodbye, but she didn't even notice, she was driving away already. Hastur sighted and just entered the building. He misses company of other gods, especially certain woman, but he couldn't find her. The only person he was able to meet was Cthugha, but only time when they were talking was when she was dropping him off or picking him up from places. It still was nice for him, but if it was price for living in Japan; meeting only her, not even his beloved one, he was ready to do that. Then he heard his phone ringing. Unknown number, he picked it and answered, listening to voice on the other side, the voice he knew. It heralded only trouble...

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Wind was howling and everyone on the ship was panicking. That was hell of a storm, no one expected it, sky was baby blue just seconds ago, now lightnings were only light that was there due nightmarish thunder. Crew was doing anything they could just so they won't go down. There was no men that was not panicing, yet there was exception; captain was still heading west, straight into wave. Was he insane? Oh, absolutelynot, he knew exacly what was he doing. Fear was rising in souls of sailors, finally one shouted "Captain, we are doomed!" yet he did not respond– he was looking at nightmare-ish orb falling slowly from the sky, right onto them. It took seconds and orb fallen straight in front of captain. It picked itself up and looked with disgust at man in front of him. They both growled a little.

— I am deeply dissapointed in you, Nodens, still keeping up with snacks.
— It is nice to see you too, Azathoth. How was your sleep?
— Don't "how was your sleep" me but prepare me food, I am starving.

Man just shaked his head and spoke in his language again, again scaring shit out of his crew.

— No man leaves his people behind, no man serves his people as a breakfast.
— Fine, then serve me your humans, not eyes, if you wanna keep your pupils.

Disgust appeared almost instantly at Noden's face. Oh gods, he was horrible with his pronunciation and language, but this time he crossed the line, that was worst of his jokes so far. Man was so done with elder that he just sighed and asked him where to drop him off. "Father figure" looked confused at gray-haired one and frowned.

— I need to eat and have a talk with certain irresponsible messenger and servant.

Nodens tried not to nurst in laughter. He informed his crew where they're going and that it all is just their bad dream. They all decided to just belive that version.

Few hours later two gods were walking around a beach, eating fries. Azathoth could not belive that humans crteated such a masterpiece, he was so delighted that he decided to not eat them but make this year a playground of apocalipse, as a thanks. Despite Nodens trying to dissuade from the idea of that, he insisted on meeting right here, where they were standing. All of sudden two people started running towards them, screaming something. Few seconds later bright woman and her husband were standing in swimsuits, babbling too fast for anyone to understand. Of course everyone recognized each other, making it really weird god meeting with blind spaghetti with dad jokes, nice old man from neighborhood and two snake nerds. Yes, they all were somehow in one place. How, you ask? Azathoth screaming about french fries could be heard even if someone was on Mars, altho no one lost their hearing.

It has been already two weeks since Hastur recived call from Shub-Niggurath about danger in form of Azathoth. She never calls him, not after he left her for ramen, yet she called. He was both delighted and terrified. Man in yellow calculated probality of Azathoth being around right now, but damn... He sucks at math. At this point he was just waiting for a call, he knew that his "ruler" will do a meeting without any reason, but at least he would see love of his life again, not trying to kill him. A bell rang, he headed to front door and opened quickly.

— I did not expect you here, Cthugha, what happened?
— Nodens called me. Guess who absolutley demanded a meeting.
— I don't have to. You're going to drop me to airport?
— Nah, I'm going with you to the meeting. Have you called a goat mama already and told her about "this"?
— No — he said as he put on helmet and sat behind girl. — I'm sure she'll figure it out.
— Gee, okay... Will it take long?
— Not really, you just have to hold on tightly

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Light fell through opened window, shining at slim body, making it shine as if it was covered in the most gorgeous dragon scales. Thicker man that was looking at it, smiling and humming, thinking how grateful he is that he got to lay next to such a perfection. After few minutes of just appreciation Cthulhu leaned over his partner and gave a small kiss on partner's forehead, whispering sweet words after that. Long noodle-like arms wrapped around him and pulled him closer.

— Good morning, sweetie
—Hi... Mhh, you smell like a fish market, go and wash yourself...
— Well, you smell just like me right now, so we have to take a bath together~
— Gosh, how horny can you be? You fucked me whole night, isn't it enough?
— You asked me to, noodle~

Nyarlathotep laughed intensly at being called "noodle" and smooched his partner, grinning to him later. He hugged him and licked his face.

— You taste like fish market too... Yuck.
— Hey, watch your tongue or I'll have to spank you
— What? — He burst in laughter and smooched one of his tentacles. — You kinky prick, come here~

They started making out, getting closer and at some point they were having sex, and suddenly someone started literally punching the door. They both started screaming and panicking, putting on clothes and covering hickeys. After few seconds Cthulhu was hidden in closet and Nyarlathotep was standing in his favorite human form, quickly opening the door.

— Yes? Oh... — He glanced at spaghetti person in front of him with disgust. — It's you... What the fuck do you want?
— Nice to see you too, Nya, but I suppose you should have bowed to your king. Anyway, not my point today, have Azathoth contacted you?
— Hell no and I'm glad he didn't, why?
— Heard of weird fire orb falling from the sky onto ship?
— Yeah, why? Did that idiot decide to visit earth?
— We both weren't there for him so I suppose he is super pissed off, you're first one who's fucked up because he likes me more than you so now you'll be doomed to suffer. Have a nice death.

He said and turned around, heading away. His brother, super pissed off, yeeted his high heel shoes into Yog Sothot's head, making him turn around and look with murder in his eyes.

— You really wanna die, don't you, slut? — he approached him quickly, holding him up, ready to throw him at the wall.
— Fuck you and your threats, spaghetti monster, you come to my house, tell me that I'll die and then call me names? Fuck you, there's no way I'm letting you treat me like like that in MY HOME. So excuse me, but if you want to talk to me you have to call my menager and get an appointment. Otherwise your threats are invalid, bitch.

Yog-Sothoth pushed him into house, punching his face and screaming slurs in their native language. Other man turned into himself and stated fighting back, choking his brother and hissing at him. The door automatically closed behind them, making loud noise, but they didn't care. Cursing and kicking, biting and scratching; the fight was rough and loud. At some point they even started bleeding and getting dizzy from damage. Both men were curling on the floor, knowing themselves onto closet at some point, with Yog-Sothoth choking brother while kicking his stomach with his knee, also having eyes poked all the time. At this point sound of fight made Cthulhu deeply worried, so he opened closet door and slammed both men with them, making them look at him confused. Nyarlathotep strated mouthing "stop it, get back there, what have you done" etc. but his partner just started fighting versus his brother-in-law, which wasn't hard when he was in such a deep confusion, he really didn't expect Cthulhu to be in closet, in underwear and some t-shirt. He was just being there, wondering what the actual fuck. And then he realized, so he burst in laughter. He let his brother go just to hold his stomach, he was curling in laughter, leaving other two in deep confusion. It took quite some time for him to calm down, but it finally happened. Sort of...

— DEAR LORD, I KNEW YOU'RE FUCKED UP FAG, BUT I DID NOT EXCEPT THAT FROM YOU!
— What the fuck are you talking about?!
— ABOUT YOU LETTING THAT FATASS DO WHATEVER HE WANTS WITH YOUR ASS! OH GODS, THIS IS HILARIOUS, YOU ARE SO FUCKING RED RIGHT NOW, SO HE ACTUALLY PUTS HIS DICK INTO YOUR TIGHT FUCKHOLE, THIS IS BEST COMEDY!

Nyarlathotep, indeed, was bright red and covered his face. Hearing something like that from his brother was really embarassing, why did he even let him in?! Yeah, it was truth, he enjoyed a lot of weird stuff, he did let Cthulhu fuck him any way he wanted, but why did Yog-Sothoth had to realize that?! Only if he wouldn't guess he's bottoming most of the time it wouldn't be that bad, but shit, it was terrible, for he realized it! Cthulhu, seeing how uncomfortable his lover is feeling he grabbed third man by arm and laughed fakely.

— Yeah, haha, well at least he has someone to love and gets fucked, not like certain asshole who has to tempt humans just to make a baby once in a while, yet it still dies in the end... Yeah, I really think it is way better to get love instead of being lonely asshole, don't ya think?

They started arguing, making powerless, invalid points, thinking they did perfectly fit beat their opponent in fighting. And then loud knocking to the door, mumbling about horrible sons... Yes, they all knew who that was... He finally found them... Azathoth was here.

Nyarlathotep opened the door with perfectly faked smile and let his father in, leading him to the table. He noticed two other men. It looked as if three that just had a fight was having cultural dialogue about madness with some tea and biscuits, that confused Azathoth really deeply. Host made his father a cup of tea and sat to the table with them all.

— So— he started. — What makes you visit me, dear father?
— What makes me visit you? WHAT MAKES ME?! YOU AND YOUR BROTHER BEING LITTLE BRATS! YOU ARE LUCKY THAT I'M IN GOOD MOOD! ALSO —he looked at Cthulhu with disgust as if he wasn't his biggest issue and pointed at him.— WHAT IS HE DOING HERE?!
— Ah, you see, he... Ummm... Helps with-
— HELPS WITH WHAT?! PUTTING ME AWAY FROM POWER?! I KNEW IT, YOU ARE PLOTTING AGAINST ME, TRAITORS!
— No, father, you misunderstood! He is with us, that's what Nyarlathotep meant! — Yog-Sothoth's words confused his brother but did not surprise him. After all they loved each other in a very unconditional way, very weird one, but it was mutual. They both knew if anyone would expose relationship of two gods they all would get killed, so they had to keep it secret from idiot father.


— Yes, he is here to strengthen your power and reigns, your greatest! I've been watching him closely, he's worth your trust, father.— Nyarlathotep smiled innocently, as if he was really telling the truth. Honestly, no one was here to discuss how to help Azathoth, he was just to stupid to realize that. He, honesty, was an idiot, not understanding that he is not the real ruler!

— Fine, I trust you. Anyway, let's get down to business. Or more like let's get away to business, because we are doing a trip. A business trip. A trip for doing business.

— WE GET IT, DAD, WE ARE GOING GO TRAVEL SOMEWHERE TO DISCUSS SOMETHING.

— Oh, not something, but great ideas for making our year, 2051, worst year ever!

— Uh, father... — Yog-Sothoth started concerned.— It's... 2020, not 2051.

— Alright, whatever, help your king get up...

And so they did. Really unhappy. They survived that confrontation but it didn't herald anything good, it was going to be only trouble, pain and a crazy amount of horrible dad jokes... No one was ready for that. Not for what was going to happen...

Chapter Text

Everyone was sitting awkwardly, only without Yidhra, who was absent at this moment. Awkwardness was so huge, that Hastur sipped his tea and glanced away. Finally, Yidhra came back and sat on her place, allowing meeting to start. Azathoth stood up and, while wearing t-shirt with rat, decided to finally greet everyone.

—Ah, dear family, it's so MICE to see you again! How are my— he ponies on painting with moose— DEER kids doing?

Moans of disgust filled the room quickly and surprisingly loudly. "Father figure" looked at his right hand and sneezed again, making few humans in country deaf, other few blind, one insane. He decided to speak again.

— Alright, let's get down to business!

Cthugha just couldn't not laugh at what just happened. Through her laughter she asked if "to defeat the Huns", yet Azathoth didn't understand and just continued his speech.

— We haven't done anything together for eons, so I decided that it's time to change it! We are going to make this year even worse! Imagine humans screaming, because their rat disease just ended and then another one! Or maybe another Pope drama; few Popes at the time! Imagine 1906 being the worst, a nightmare, such a horrible terror... I don't accept any "no-nos", this is an order!
— My king... With whole respect—started Yog-Sothoth— but it's 2020.
— What? What do you mean it's 2020?
— Right now it's year 2020, month of December, but it honestly is going to be-
— SILENCE! THIS IS NONSENSE! IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YEAR IT IS, IT'LL BE HORRIBLE! ANY IDEAS?!

He looked at everyone, demanding everyone to think for him, like a school project in groups, just teacher could destroy you with a sneeze and is having -100 IQ... Wait, no, that's IQ of many teachers¹, nevermind that part. He got annoyed with waiting after five seconds. He instantly pointed Shub-Niggurath's way and demanded answer.

— Flooding? Forests overgrown? Vines growing out of nowhere and taking over cities?
— Good, next person! You! What was your name?

He pointed at Cthulhu and someone coughed two times, saying "noodle fucker" between them. Fortunately no one heard it, well no, actually only AzaTHOTh didn't. Thick man just munches his cupcake and shurged.

— I like flooding indea, what about eating everyone on Earth?
— Hmm, such a nice snack idea! Next person! You, yes you!
— MAKE RAMEN RAINSTORM!

Hastur was way too excited about this idea and then realized that everyone could discover his love towards ramen. He felt Shub-Niggurath's stare at him, making him feel way too cold, he got goosebumps. Yet Azathoth made stupid face b̶u̶t̶ ̶l̶e̶t̶'̶s̶ ̶b̶e̶ ̶r̶e̶a̶l̶ ̶h̶e̶r̶e̶,̶ ̶h̶e̶ ̶a̶l̶w̶a̶y̶s̶ ̶h̶a̶s̶ ̶d̶u̶m̶b̶ ̶f̶a̶c̶e̶ ̶e̶x̶p̶r̶e̶s̶s̶i̶o̶n̶ and blinked quickly few times.

— What's ramen?
— It's umm... Soup made out of hopes and dreams of humas and animals.
— HA! THIS IS GOOD! THAT'S MY FAVORITE SO FAR! NEXT PERSON! YOU!

Cthugha smiled widely, she knew what she will say. She way waiting so long for that opportunity, she could finally do what she likes to do the most...

— Well, maybe we could send someone from us and make them infiltrate human world just to make a lot of hybrid babies that make them take over the world?
— And who exactly would we send? We don't have humans, idiotic fireball!
— Worry not, my king, we don't need human when we have shapeshifter~

As she said last words she turned around and looked with evil grin at Nyarlathotep, she really missed bullying him, and now, since Nodena was here too, it was perfect opportunity to have fun off a lifetime. She opened her mouth again.

— You are a shapeshifter, aren't you, mister noodle? Or are you using your powers only to make your asshole wider now, hmmm?
— What the fuck? OF COURSE I AM A SHAPESHIFTER! I CAN SHAPESHIFT INTO WHAT I WANT, EVERY WAY I WANT! HIW DARE YOU ASSUME THAT I, NYARLATHOTEP, THE CRAWLING CHAOS, MESSENGER OF HIDDEN GODS, BLOOD TONGUE, DARK PHARAOH, FACELESS GOD, GOD WITH THOUSANDS MASKS, AM USING MY BODY AND SKILLS FOR IDIOTIC SEXUAL AND EROTIC ACTS!
— I dunno man, you look like a slut.

She crossed the line, as she wanted. Nyarlathotep stood up and smiled widely. He came closer and grabbed her, throwing her out of widow quickly. Well, that was not what she expected... That turned out completely diffrently than she wanted... Oh... Noodle man looked at his father and hissed angrily.

— Why was she here?! Who let her in?! Is this some kind of sick joke?!

He wasn't happy; no one were... It's going to be a loooooong meeting...

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Hi! It's not really a chapter, just wanted to say that this work is kinda abandoned? I may or may not finish it, but it for sure won't get real chapter soon. Meanwhile, please forgive me and my urge to write adult content. I hope you stay safe, hydrated and feeling well <3