Archive of Our Own ^beta

Hi I’m Nico and I’m straight. Gays please don't come here ew. Rachel is my trophy girlfriend and we live an amazing life.

We both met at Camp Half Blood, and as if the gods themselves wanted us to be together, the winds blew so fast that our faces crashed into each other and that was how our first kiss went. Everyone stared at us as if we were soulmates and you know what? We are. Everyone says that we’re soulmates, a match made in heaven, and we are. I asked her out on a date and she blushed, looking at her feet. I took that as a yes and turned around, smirking like the fuckboi I am.

That night I sat with my cousins Percy and Thalia, who were in a loving relationship and asked them where I shoud take Rachel too. 

‘Well,’ Thalia said, who was sitting on Percy’s lap, ‘on our first date, I abducted Percy because he said he liked Annabeth and took him to Hades and threatened to kill myself. I basically guilt tripped him into being with me and look where we are now.’ 

Percy nodded along, saying, ‘That was the best thing that ever happened to me.’

I smiled. Typical straight couple. Just like I wanted Rachel and me to be. In the end, we decided that I would take Rachel to a pro Trump rally because that's what any white cishet person would want, right? 

The date went nicely and that's how we became what we are now. 

But right now, our now is not happy. I am sitting in my beige and white colored room - like any straight person should - and am waiting for my dudebro, best friend for life, Will Solace to come. He is they best bro anyone can have but he went through an 'am I gay’ phase which saddens me a lot so I choose not to think of it, like right now. 

‘Hey dude, wassup,’ Will says, entering through the door on which my straight pride flag is hung on. 

‘Life’s a mess, dude,’ I sigh and spread my legs like a real dominant man. Will sits on the sofa opposite me because sitting on the same sofa is gay, which we hate. ‘Rachel isn't talking to me,’ I continue. ‘She says she wants some “me time” or whatever the heck that is.’

Will nods, probably thinking of a solution. He and Lou Ellen are like, the most couple of all time. They never fight, they never break up, heck, they never even talk. They are basically relationship goals. Will will find a way out of this. 

‘Have you tried invading her personal space like most people do?’ he asks. 

I frown. Damn. I never thought of that. ‘So,’ I start, ‘I have to just go to her cave and ask her?’

‘Yeah that's pretty much it,’ Will replies. 

‘Okay so I’m gonna do that,’ I say and gets up. Me and Will do an elaborate series of handshakes because a man hugging a man is gay, which we detest.

We leave my cabin and head straight to the cave. On the way, we see Apollo and Lavinia making out, Annabeth and Frank holding hands, Jason and Katie Gardner leaning in for their first kiss, and Piper trying to flirt with Conner. I sigh. I love comphet. 

Reyna appears out of nowhere in front of me and tries to kiss me. I allow her to but quickly shadow travel a few feet away so that she can yearn more for me. I’m a fuckboi that way. Everyone in Camp Half Blood envies me. 

‘Ew,’ I hear Will say and look at where he's pointing. Ew indeed. The one thing I hate more than limp wrists are the people who the wrists belong to. Grover Underwood is hiding behind a tree, trying to seek his way into the Camp. He takes a step to the right when an arrow penetrates his thigh. He runs away screaming.

I turn to look at the source of the arrow. It is Chiron. I give him a thumbs up while everyone cheers for him. He nods at my direction and we turn away. 

Will looks down guilty. I pat him on the back. ‘Don’t be sad, dude,' I say. ‘You will get better.’ He sighs sorrowfully.

Will has never been able to shoot an arrow straight. It always misses the target. A arrow that is not straight is obviously gay and everyone hates that in Camp Half Blood. We hate rain too because with rain comes rainbows and rainbows are gay. That's why we have also stopped Iris messaging.

We reach Rachel's cave. Instead of knocking, like I usually do, I push away the curtains. ‘Hey sweetie,’ I say. Gays use sweetie as a derogatory term so, to show how I hate them, I use sweetie as a complimentary term.

Rachel turns around from whatever art she’s making and looks at me, tears in her face.

‘N - Nico,’ she manages.

‘What happened, babygirl?’ I ask, concerned. 

‘Don’t come near me!’ she basically screams. ‘I will infect you too!’

‘Infect me with what?’ I ask.

‘I've - I'm,’ Rachel stammers, ‘I’m bisexual!’ 

I gasp, hand on chest in disbelief. Will covers his ears. 

‘Rachel, babe, please tell me this is a joke,’ I whisper. 

She shakes her head violently. ‘No it isn't. I’m so sorry, Nico, but I like girls too.’

‘We - we’ll figure something out,’ I say. ‘Therapy maybe? Something?’ I turn to will desperately. He shakes his head sadly.

‘I’ll try something okay? We'll cure it.’ I say. ‘Just don't tell Chir—’

An arrow flew past my ear, hitting Rachel in the stomach. ‘NO!’ I scream and turn around. Chiron looks at me with anger in his straight eyes. I cower under his gaze. Ew no. I cower under his stare.

‘Bury your gays,’ he whispers viciously. Then he looks at me and says, ‘Go find yourself a new girlfriend.’ I nod quickly.

‘May I be his new girlfriend, Chiron?’ Reyna asks, again appearing out of no where. 

I look at Rachel's still body.

An alive girlfriend is better than a dead one.

‘Yeah sure,’ I say. Will high fives me.

We all walk off into the straight sunset.