Chapter Text
Billy unlocked the apartment door, hefting the armfuls of bags through the threshold.
They had somehow accumulated a mass of new shit at the hospital. To be fair, most of their new shit was stuffed animals and soft toys for Mina brought by their visitors, but there were also a few things for Billy and Steve tucked away in there. A nice bottle of champagne from the Wheelers, and a small gift basket of lovely scented soaps and bubble bath from the Sinclairs.
Steve was following Billy close behind, holding Mina close to his chest.
She had fallen asleep in her carseat on the way home, and had hardly stirred as Steve lifted her up and out of the car.
She was so tiny, wrinkled and warm in his arms. Her lips were full, and her nose was still slightly squashed.
Steve made a beeline for the couch, settling himself down so carefully with the sleeping pup in his arms.
Billy set their loaded bags down behind the couch, promising himself to deal with them later. He took stock of the apartment, noticing a tin foil covered casserole pan on the kitchen counter.
He’ll put that away later, too. He had bigger fish to fry right now.
He had a tiny pup in Steve’s lap.
“How’s she doing?” Billy peeked over Steve’s shoulder, reaching out with one finger to brush over her cheek. “As perfect as always?”
Steve liked how Billy touched Mina. He was always so gentle and careful, like he was afraid of breaking her. He held her tucked in his arms like he was ready to shield her from the world.
It was sweet.
Protective.
Mina was wrapped up in the little yellow blanket Steve had knitted, the one with her nickname embroidered into the edge.
“It looks like Joyce came by. There’s a lasagna on the counter for us.”
“God, she’s so sweet.” Steve settled back into the couch. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from their daughter, not that he tried very hard. “I can’t believe we’re parents.”
Billy vaulted the back of the couch to flop himself next to Steve, ignoring the glare Steve shot him as the movement made the cushions bounce. Billy settled in next to Steve, wrapping his arms around his two most favorite people.
“I’m obsessed with her.” Mina shifted in her sleep a tiny bit, her pouty lips opening around the world’s smallest yawn. They both cooed at her. “Is it weird that she was inside of you, and now she’s here?”
“Oh, at least once a day I would stare down at my tummy and just be like there’s a fucking human in there . This is wild.”
“We did good , though. Look at how beautiful she is. Just like her daddy.”
Steve smiled at him, pressing a kiss to the underside of Billy’s jaw.
“Yeah, Pretty Boy, I meant me .”
Steve laughed loudly, and Mina responded to the sound, opening her eyes and stretching her body as much as she could, swaddled in the yellow blanket.
“She knows your laugh. Look at that,” Billy pointed out.
Early in the pregnancy, Steve’s OBGYN had said that Mina would probably know their voices since she was able to hear them throughout the pregnancy.
“That kinda makes me really soft.” Steve cradled her head, brushing his thumb down her nose, Mina’s eyes fluttering closed with the comforting movement. “If she knows my laugh, that means she heard it, like a lot .”
“That doesn’t shock me. You’re always laughing.”
And he was. Steve had a laugh that filled up a room.
It set Billy’s spine on fire, and he made it his mission to make Steve laugh as much as he could, even when they both felt like they’d hit rock bottom.
“Haven’t felt like laughing much lately.”
“I know. But we’re gonna be okay, right? The three of us are gonna be just fine.”
Billy doesn’t know if he was trying to reassure himself, or Steve.
Steve handed Mina over to Billy, getting up to check out Joyce’s lasagna. He found a few casseroles in the freezer when he went to find a place for it there.
“I think Claudia left stuff too.”
Billy stood up, bending his knees slightly to bounce Mina gently in his arms.
“Hear that, Mango? Your grandmas like to break into our house to feed us.” He smiled down at his pup, and couldn’t take his eyes away from her.
Steve scrambled for the camera on the shelf above the counter. He snapped one of Billy cooing over Mina.
Jonathan had gotten about a thousand after she was born, and Steve made him promise to develop them as soon as possible. He couldn’t wait to fill their little home with pictures of their little family.
Billy caught sight of Steve standing there with the camera and smiled fondly at him. Steve snapped another.
“You’re gonna be such a good dad, Bill.” Steve’s eyes began welling up. “I can’t- she’s ours .”
Billy shifted Mina into one strong arm, reaching for Steve with the other, tugging him into his chest with their girl.
“She’s ours, Baby.”
It was perfect.
The three of them, parents with their tiny pup. Standing in their living room. The home they had made for themselves.
The whole future was laid out ahead of them. Teaching Mina how to walk, how to talk. How to read, how to love. It was all there. In that room. In that hug.
But the bubble of sweet bliss didn’t last for long.
It didn’t even last a week.
The pop came because Billy was asleep.
Billy was fucking asleep .
Three days after Mina had been brought home.
Three days of Steve having to wake up to change her, or feed her every two hours. He had to burp her, then get no sleep until the next time she screamed.
He had asked Billy for help , asked him to deal with some of the changes at least, so that the whole ordeal didn’t take Steve an hour, and he could get more than fifteen minutes of sleep, only to be woken up by Mina needing him.
But Billy was asleep. And he wasn’t fucking helping .
Steve was settled in the rocking chair in Mina’s nursery, feeling like he could pass out at any second.
His hormones were raging, and all he wanted to do was scream and cry and shout at Billy and storm out of the house.
“Mornin’, Babies.”
Billy shuffled in, looking well-rested.
Steve wanted to spit at him.
“Oh, is it morning, finally ? I’ve been up all fucking night with her,” Steve snarled as quietly as he could. Billy took a breath, watching Steve wearily. “Thank you for your help .”
“Baby, you’re tired. Please don’t snap at me.”
That , did absolutely nothing to help with Steve’s mood.
“She is your pup too. I asked you to fucking help me . And you just laid there and got more sleep than I have gotten all week .”
Billy crossed his arms over his chest.
“It’s not like I can help you that much. I can’t feed her. If you have to be up to feed her, and then I get up to change her, then we’re both awake, and we’re both tired and upset, and I don’t see the fucking point of that, Stevie.”
“She needs to be fed every two hours at most . Sometimes she doesn’t take a lot and it’s one hour between feedings. Getting her the right amount takes me so fucking long sometimes. All I ask is that you change her fucking diaper so that I can get some goddamn sleep in between stints of keeping our child alive.”
“You wouldn’t sleep anyway! I know you, you wake up to her crying better than I do, and even if I did get up, you would be fucking hovering and controlling, making sure I did it right!”
It was a low blow, calling Steve controlling .
Steve didn’t reply. He simply stood up, cradling Mina in one arm, and pushed Billy out of the room.
“I can not fucking talk to you right now. Let me feed my fucking daughter, and then we’ll get into this.” He kicked the door, slamming it closed in Billy’s face.
“She’s my daughter too!”
“Then fucking act like it!”
Billy had to stop himself from pounding on the door. He was fucking seething .
He slammed the front door closed on his way out, walking down the deserted main street.
It was five in the fucking morning. It was just chilly enough that he wished he brought a sweatshirt, but he didn’t want to go back yet.
He couldn’t really help Steve. They were told to wait about a month before they gave her a bottle, and anyway, she was eating so regularly, Steve wasn’t even pumping yet. He literally couldn’t help Steve with that.
And he was fucking right . He’ll try it tonight, getting up to change Mina, but then they’ll both just be awake.
Steve was just tired and fucking crabby .
Billy muttered to himself as he stomped down main street, running through the fight in his head.
“ Fucking act like it . Can’t fucking believe he said that shit to me. I’m trying my fucking best.”
He stopped.
It was like all the wind left his sails.
He’s just like his mom, storming out when things got tough.
He thought of Steve, how he just put his body through months of pain for their pup. How he had gone through hell not even a week ago to bring her into the world. How he had dropped out of school and lost nearly everything for her and Billy.
Only to be awake for three days straight taking care of her.
He walked into the bakery across the road, getting Steve a doughnut and a decaf latte. He asked the barista for extra foam and a splash of vanilla syrup, just the way Steve liked it.
It was a peace offering. Something warm and sweet to take the edge off.
Billy may be shit with his words, but he knows Steve well enough to know that there’s not a lot a doughnut can’t fix.
He was walking past Melvald’s when a display caught his eye. He darted inside, grabbing a little stuffed animal from one of the aisle ends, paying for it with the change from Steve’s latte.
He closed the apartment door quietly behind him.
He could hear Steve in Mina’s room, and he was fucking crying .
Billy’s heart shattered where it was firmly planted in his throat.
He knocked softly on the door.
“Stevie?” He opened it, moving slowly like Steve was an easily-startled wild animal.
Steve was sitting on the floor next to Mina’s crib, a few fingers through the bars, touching her tiny arm. Billy sat down next to him, placing what he brought in front of Steve, wrapping one arm around his shaking shoulders.
“I’m so sorry, Baby. I should’ve helped more. You asked me to.”
Steve just cried harder.
“Why don’t you take a nap? I’ll watch her today and only wake you up when she needs to eat.” He kissed the side of Steve’s head. “Go lay down. I got her.”
“I don’t, I don’t want this to be what we do, Bill. I don’t wanna be up all night with her, and then you get her in the day.” His voice was thick with tears, snot and spit dripping down his face.
“Baby, you’re so tired . Just for today, let’s do this before you collapse. We’ll talk later and figure something out. Once she stops eating so frequently, and I can take care of some of her feedings, it’ll be so much easier.” He squeezed Steve tighter and planted a kiss into his unwashed hair. “C’mon, Pretty Boy. You know us. We always find a way to make it work.”
Steve nodded, wiping his face clumsily.
“I’m sorry for telling you to act like her father. That wasn’t fair and it was mean.”
“You’re tired. You’ve been through so much these past few months. I can take a little mean.”
Steve looked up at him, his bottom lip trembling.
“I don’t, I don’t want you to take any mean. Especially not from me. You’re doing your best.”
“I’m really not . I can help you more than I have, and I will . I’ll help you so much.” He stood up, tugging Steve to standing. He bent forward to scoop Steve’s knees up, carrying him to bed and tucking him in tight.
“We’ll talk when you’re not so tired. I love you, Baby.”
“I love you too, Bill.” Steve nearly devoured the doughnut while sitting up in bed, and Billy drew the curtains to make sure it was nice and dark for him to get some sleep.
He left Steve to his nap, taking his place sitting next to the old crib.
“Alright, Mango. It’s you and me today.” He poked his fingers through the slats of the crib, feeling how warm her arm was in the mittened sleep sack. “I promise I’m gonna do my best. You deserve the best Daddy in the world.”
He didn’t think he could be the best , but he swore up and down that he would never drop the ball like that again. That being Mina’s daddy meant being Steve’s partner in all of it.
He stood up to place the little stuffed animal in the corner of the crib, the soft giraffe watching over her as she slept.
It took about a week for them to settle into a solid routine.
They switched off night time wake ups, Billy taking care of any midnight changes, while Steve kept Mina well fed.
It was exhausting, but they were managing, taking naps whenever Mina did and trying to get as much sleep as they possibly could.
They were making it work.
Until two and a half weeks after Mina was born.
Steve could hear her wailing from the other room. His chest hurt, and he knew his pup was hungry.
But he couldn’t move.
His limbs were heavy, and the mere idea of standing up from his bed made him feel a bone-deep exhaustion he had never experienced before.
He just felt numb .
His hindbrain was screaming at him to care for his pup, to get up and feed her , to hold her and keep her safe.
He felt like an awful parent, but couldn’t get himself to stand up and do the one thing that would alleviate that shitty feeling.
“Stevie, Baby, I think she’s hungry.” Billy looked haggard in their doorway. He had dutifully gotten out of bed for Mina, changing her diaper and trying to soothe her back to sleep.
Steve just stared at him blankly.
Billy could feel the change in Steve.
Steve’s scent had all but nosedived. The cloying sweetness that had followed him his entire pregnancy had suddenly vanished, leaving a much more subtle scent behind.
Billy knew his hormones had dropped down to normal levels, and he knew what that meant.
“Steve, I’ll help you. Just let her eat.”
Billy had to hold Mina against Steve while she fed.
Steve refused to look at her.
He was leaning against Billy, his head tucked into his opposite shoulder, eyes squeezed shut.
It was fucking concerning.
Billy took care of everything that night, changing Mina’s diaper and burping her after her feedings.
He and Steve would have to have a talk, but for tonight, he can do this.
It was near morning when he slid back into bed.
Steve had hardly moved all night from where he was curled around a pillow, and Billy slotted up behind him.
“Mina hates me,” Steve said, unprompted, into the darkness.
“No, she doesn’t, Sugar. She loves you.”
“She doesn’t even know what love is. She just knows that I’m a food machine.”
“Nah. Remember when we brought her home, and every time you laughed she’d perk up and look around for you? She loves you so much it’s programmed into her body.”
And Steve’s body gave a telltale shudder as he started crying.
“She makes me so frustrated . And I’m just fucking tired, and I think this is how my mom felt about me, and I can’t become my mom, Billy. I can’t be that distant. I promised I’d make her feel loved, and it’s like she’s some strange little alien in our house, not the little thing that I made .” His voice was muffled into his pillow, but Billy heard him all the same.
“You’re okay. You’re not your mom.” Billy didn’t really know what to say.
The hormone drop was fucking with Steve. The doctor said this could happen. She had told Billy to keep an eye on Steve if he showed symptoms like these. Feeling like he was a shitty parent, feeling disconnected from Mina.
Signs of depression.
It had set in later than she had warned, but Steve’s got all kindsa hormone issues. He has since he was a kid. It was a side effect of being a male omega, apparently. He couldn’t even use regular birth controls because of it.
So, this wasn’t a shock.
It just kinda sucked.
“I think you should go to the doctor as soon as you can.” Billy buried his nose in Steve’s neck. “She can help.”
“Unless she has some kinda magic to make me not a worthless piece of garbage, I don’t know what she can do.”
Billy just kept breathing Steve in.
He was exhausted. And all he wanted was to shake Steve until the loose screw in his brain tightened back up and he remembered that he wasn’t worthless.
“Steve, you mean the world to the both of us. You are my world. You’re Mina’s world, too. She started loving you the second she started screamin’ in that delivery room. You are everything to us. We love you so much. I love you so much.”
“Billy, I don’t know what to do.”
“What do you mean, Sugar? Do about what?”
“About anything !” Steve suddenly moved for the first time that day, sitting up in their bed. His voice rose with his emotions. “I have nothing . I dropped out of school. I have no job, no family, no fucking future . I did it all for her, and now I don’t even know what the whole fucking point is!”
Steve’s words settled like cement in Billy’s gut.
He wanted to get fucking mad .
He had sacrificed shit too. He had been hit and yelled at and kicked out of his house just like Steve had.
But this wasn’t about that right now.
This was about Steve’s clear postpartum depression.
“Steve, you’ve sacrificed so much. It’s true. But it wasn’t for nothing. You and me, we’re family. Mina’s our family. I know you’ve got so much runnin’ through that pretty head a’ yours, and I wanna help you in any way I can. We’re going to the doctor tomorrow, and we’re gonna get your hormones sorted, and we’re gonna talk about everything you’re feeling. It’s okay. What you’re feeling. It’s all okay.”
Steve just stared at Billy in the dark, the tears shining on his soft cheeks.
“I’m sorry.” Steve’s voice was low again. “I’m being so selfish.”
Billy didn’t exactly want to deny it , like he’s been feeling the pressure lately too, but they can deal with his shit later. They just need to get Steve on track.
Because at the end of the day, they’ve got a pup to take care of.
“You’re being open. We’re in this together, you and me. We gotta talk. We gotta be open.”
He reached out to brush his thumb out over Steve’s pouty bottom lip. Steve took his hand and pressed a kiss to Billy’s palm.
“We should probably sleep-”
As if right on cue, Mina cut Steve’s statement short with a screeching cry.
Billy made to get out of bed, but Steve stopped him with one hand on his shoulder.
“I can do it.” He didn’t look sure, but he looked determined, so Billy just nodded.
Mina’s wails quieted down quickly after Steve made his way into the nursery.
And Billy could hear Steve singing to her. He couldn’t make out the words, or even the song, but it made Billy feel so much better that Steve was trying.