Chapter Text
Monday, 9:01 A.M.
Sonja Zhao added Jonathan Sims , Martin Blackwood , Basira Hussain , Sasha James , Melanie King , Timothy Stoker and Alice Tonner to the group
Sonja Zhao: morning, everyone
Sasha James: sonja? what’s up?
Sonja Zhao: I’m at my goddamn wit’s end is what’s up
Sonja Zhao: I’m sorry to do this so publicly, Jon, but you haven’t responded to any of the emails I’ve sent over the last three months
Sonja Zhao: so now I’m holding you accountable in front of your whole department
Timothy Stoker: ohohooooo this is gonna be good
Jonathan Sims left the group
Sonja Zhao added Jonathan Sims to the group
Sonja Zhao: do Not
Jonathan Sims left the group
Sonja Zhao added Jonathan Sims to the group
Sonja Zhao edited Jonathan Sims ’s administrator privileges
Jonathan Sims: Sonja
Jonathan Sims: please
Sonja Zhao: I warned you
Sonja Zhao: I have been warning you for months, Jonathan
Sonja Zhao: it didn’t have to come to this, but here we are
Jonathan Sims: ...
Melanie King: jon what the fuck have you done
Jonathan Sims: ...
Martin Blackwood: Jon did you still not respond to the emails omgggg
Martin Blackwood: I know what this is about and i have 0 sympathy for you
Sasha James: i’m dying of curiosity holy shit
Sonja Zhao: your boss, Sasha, your workaholic line manager who has been known to rack up 8am-8pm workdays, and hasn’t taken more than a week off at a time for as long as mortal memory can recall, is an absolute nightmare for the finance department
Sasha James: this surprises me not at all
Sonja Zhao: working out how to manage his time in lieu, according to no less than three of our accounting staff, is literal hell on earth
Sonja Zhao: to give credit where it’s due, Jon, you’ve got a lot better in the last year
Sasha James: @martin that’s thanks to u bb
Martin Blackwood: :)))))
Martin Blackwood: I force him to take care of himself sometimes
Sonja Zhao: well keep it up, please
Sonja Zhao: so yes, apart from the occasional early start or late finish, lately you’ve been keeping good hours
Sonja Zhao: but you don’t take holidays, and you haven’t taken any of the time you banked while Elias was here
Jonathan Sims: it’s not my fault if I get interested in various subjects
Jonathan Sims: I like to be thorough
Jonathan Sims: ...and yes, okay, sometimes I lose track of time
Basira Hussain: Hang on, what about the concert stuff from last year?
Basira Hussain: We all took days off for that, even Jon
Jonathan Sims: yes!
Jonathan Sims: thank you, Basira
Jonathan Sims: I’ve taken days off recently, Rosie cleared them
Sonja Zhao: ah
Sonja Zhao: you see
Sonja Zhao: they went through as sick days, which you’re certainly entitled to, so it didn’t make a dent in your banked time
Jonathan Sims: for christ’s sake
Jonathan Sims: you’re my boss, you cannot fault me for working
Jonathan Sims: and I make sure my timesheets are meticulous
Sonja Zhao: yes, and they say they appreciate that, and of course you’re going to get paid for it
Sonja Zhao: but the amount you have banked is steadily growing
Sonja Zhao: I also have a duty to employee wellbeing
Sonja Zhao: while Elias, ironically, turned a blind eye to your overtime
Melanie King: bc he had evil reasons for it
Sonja Zhao: exactly
Sonja Zhao: I’m trying to be better than him
Sonja Zhao: and I know previously you couldn’t have taken a long holiday because of spooky reasons, but now there’s no excuse for you to have this much time in lieu
Sonja Zhao: oh, and Jon? I’m glad you said that you recognise me as your boss
Sonja Zhao: because as the head of the institute, I’m ordering you to take your fucking flexi hours
Sonja Zhao: you’ve got about two months of institute-funded holiday, starting a week from now
Sonja Zhao: have fun!
Sonja Zhao has locked the chat
---
“the fellowship of the dingus”
frodo: did you see that?
frodo: what a fucking travesty
frodo: she can’t kick me out of my job, I’m going to go to HR
aragorn: if u’re looking for sympathy, it’s in the dictionary between shit and syphilis
aragorn: u have a paid holiday and u’re expecting us to feel sorry for u??
merry *and* pippin: melanies right
merry *and* pippin: id kill a man for smth like that probably
merry *and* pippin: jk
merry *and* pippin: i kno ur not great w not being busy but surely u can see this is maybe the sweetest deal in the history of working ever
frodo: ...
frodo: I may be overreacting
frodo: a little
frodo: but I will go stir-crazy if I am cooped up in the flat and forced to do nothing
frodo: at least here I feel like I’m doing something useful
frodo: if I’m just pottering around London with nothing to do I promise you I’ll go insane
sam: Then i can find you something to do????
frodo: mm
sam: You dont sound convinced, love :///
frodo: that’s probably because I’m not
---
Jonathan Sims to Georgie Barker
Jonathan Sims: Georgie
Georgie Barker: melanie already texted, love
Georgie Barker: you’re not getting sympathy here either :’)
Georgie Barker: enjoy your holiday!
Jonathan Sims: I am being conspired against from every angle
Georgie Barker: yep :)
---
Alice Tonner to Basira Hussain
Alice Tonner: do i tell em?
Basira Hussain: It’ll shut him up
Basira Hussain: So. Yes
Basira Hussain: Besides, I think they’ll actually like it?
Alice Tonner: good, you’re assuming martin’s going as well
Basira Hussain: Yeah of course
Alice Tonner: just wanted to check
---
“the fellowship of the dingus”
gimli: oi sims
gimli: i’ve got a place up in the scottish highlands if you want to go to not london
gimli: near this tiny village, it’s so
gimli: quaint
merry *and* pippin: wait what the fuck dais why is this the first weve heard of it
gimli: never needed to come up before
gandalf: we’ve known you for literally over a year now and the fact you have a second home never came up
gimli: less of a home
gimli: more of a safehouse
legolas: Read, cabin-esque
gandalf: ohhhhhh
legolas: And if you’re looking for things to do
legolas: Unless Dais has snuck away from me at some point over the last few years and gone to secretly clean it up, it’s a fucking mess
legolas: Not like, extreme manual labour type work
legolas: But it’s very much a place to hide out, rather than a place to live
frodo: good lord.
frodo: cleaning up an old cabin in the highlands
frodo: yes, my perfect holiday.
---
Martin Blackwood to Jonathan Sims
Martin Blackwood: You can fool everyone else but you cant fool me mister
Martin Blackwood: This sounds domestic as shit
Martin Blackwood: And doing something with your hands that has an actual physical result???
Martin Blackwood: Youre secretly loving the idea
Jonathan Sims: Martin I have a reputation to maintain
Martin Blackwood: You absolute idiot <3333
Martin Blackwood: Ill see if i can get the time off too?? And then we can work on it together :)))
Jonathan Sims: that sounds nice xx
---
“the fellowship of the dingus”
frodo: ...alright
frodo: thank you, Daisy
frodo: I’ll take it.
gimli: cool
gimli: i’ll bring in the keys during the week ig
sam: Is there room for one more to stay??
merry *and* pippin: ur inviting me to come with on jons behalf??? ty marto ofc i accept
sam: :|||
merry *and* pippin: love u marto ;)
merry *and* pippin: go have ur cute couples getaway
gimli: assumed you’d come too, martin
gimli: so yeah, it’s fine
gimli: just don’t do anything basira and i wouldn’t do
sam: I forget, does that mean murder is or isnt on the cards??
gimli: very funny
gimli: oh just so you’re aware, because i chose this place as a safehouse, it’s very off the grid
gimli: there’s reception in the village but not at the house
sam: Bring a modem, okay :thumbs up emoji:
gimli: oh and when you get the key i’ll give you the list of stuff
gimli: how to turn on the fridge and water etc
frodo: thank you
gandalf: i’m watching tim and he’s pretty much vibrating with envy
merry *and* pippin: i wld Love to take a long holiday off the grid
merry *and* pippin: i call dibs next time
merry *and* pippin: actually just so we dont forget
Timothy Stoker renamed the group “jon and martin scammed their way into using daisys scottish house first the lucky bastards”
Timothy Stoker changed his nickname to calls dibs on the house next
Melanie King changed her nickname to will fight u for the house tim
calls dibs on the house next: oh fuck off
calls dibs on the house next: says u as if u didnt already take 3 weeks of leave as soon as bitchard left just to test if u could
will fight u for the house tim: and those 3 weeks in portugal were awesome but that was then and this is now
will fight u for the house tim: like u know i don’t actually mind my work but a) a secret off the grid house in scotland is the perfect place to be haunted and b) a whole two months off is fuckin legendary
calls dibs on the house next: fair call but its mine
gimli: i’m pretty sure that’s my decision to make
legolas: Or mine
calls dibs on the house next: :0
Timothy Stoker changed Alice Tonner ’s nickname to owns the house
Timothy Stoker changed Basira Hussain ’s nickname to co-owns the house
Martin Blackwood changed Jonathan Sims ’s nickname to Will be forced to relax in the house
Will be forced to relax in the house: excuse you
sam: Its true tho :))))
Will be forced to relax in the house: mmh.
Timothy Stoker changed Martin Blackwood ’s nickname to renting the house
Sasha James changed her nickname to wants to rent the house
owns the house: i object to the thought that they’re renting it
owns the house: i will not be a part of such disgusting capitalist actions
calls dibs on the house next: yea but it just flows
owns the house: i guess
Will be forced to relax in the house: also, Sasha, while I remember
Will be forced to relax in the house: I noticed that Sonja used the name we do not mention
Will be forced to relax in the house: no repercussions?
wants to rent the house: yeah, bc she’s the boss
Will be forced to relax in the house: never stopped you from making me pay up
wants to rent the house: yeah but you’re in the office next door so it’s a lot easier :)
Will be forced to relax in the house: wait
Will be forced to relax in the house: if I’m going to be away for this long, we need to have an acting head archivist
will fight u for the house tim: oh dibs fucking not
owns the house: count me tf out too
owns the house: if there’s one thing i don’t want to do it’s More Paperwork
co-owns the house: I refuse to be even nominally put in charge of these idiots
Will be forced to relax in the house: thank you for the glowing endorsement of what I do
Will be forced to relax in the house: but luckily doesn’t change who I was going to ask at all
Will be forced to relax in the house: Sasha, would you do the honours?
Will be forced to relax in the house: I’m sure you would have actually got the job if El*as, may he go get fucked, wasn’t looking for someone already marked he could use as a stooge
renting the house: May he go get fucked
will fight u for the house tim: may he go get fucked
owns the house: may he go get fucked
co-owns the house: May he go get fucked
calls dibs on the house next: may he go get fucked
wants to rent the house: may he go get fucked and all his socks be slightly damp forever and ever amen
wants to rent the house: ahh rule 80 my beloved
wants to rent the house: you were saying, jon?
Will be forced to relax in the house: ah yes
Will be forced to relax in the house: the job really isn’t that much more difficult, you don’t even have to record the statements if you don’t want to
Will be forced to relax in the house: the hardest part is wrangling your “team” of “subordinates”
calls dibs on the house next: excuse u we all kno im a delight
calls dibs on the house next: v easy to work with
wants to rent the house: and the fact that you immediately knew that was targeted at you says so much babe :)
calls dibs on the house next: :0 sash this is classism in action
wants to rent the house: jon i see what you mean
wants to rent the house: but yes, i will accept your offer
wants to rent the house: :D
Will be forced to relax in the house: glad to hear it
Will be forced to relax in the house: thank you
Will be forced to relax in the house: however I had better not come back to find my stationery missing or my office covered in bubble wrap
Will be forced to relax in the house: this is your one warning
wants to rent the house: noted! :)
Will be forced to relax in the house: the speed you agreed to that concerns me
wants to rent the house: :)
---
Sonja Zhao to Rosie Kendall
Sonja Zhao: just gave Jon the ultimatum
Rosie Kendall: How’d it go?
Sonja Zhao: good, I think
Sonja Zhao: I hope
Rosie Kendall: I mean, we both knew it was never going to be easy
Sonja Zhao: ain’t that the truth
Sonja Zhao: it’s fantastic that they don’t need me to interfere much
Sonja Zhao: love a department I can leave to its own devices
Sonja Zhao: but whenever an issue comes up, it’s an Issue
Rosie Kendall: At least this isn’t a supernatural Issue though
Sonja Zhao: oh how true
Sonja Zhao: wait, Martin’s sending me a message
Sonja Zhao: fingers crossed it’s not that Jon’s dug his heels in
Rosie Kendall: Fingers crossed, love!
---
Martin Blackwood to Sonja Zhao
Martin Blackwood: Hey sonja
Martin Blackwood: I know there are proper forms for this and ill fill them in etc
Martin Blackwood: But can i take some leave at the same time as jon?
Martin Blackwood: Ill take my leave for the year and im pretty sure i have banked time to cover the rest??
Sonja Zhao: you mean he’s actually agreed to take leave without complaining?
Martin Blackwood: Well
Martin Blackwood: Not without complaining, but yes
Sonja Zhao: thank the lord above
Sonja Zhao: yes you can
Sonja Zhao: I’m just checking the finance document, and you’re fine to take time in lieu as well as 2 weeks of leave
Martin Blackwood: Sounds perfect!!!
Sonja Zhao: just checking, the archives will be fine with both of you gone?
Sonja Zhao: I’m happy enough for the whole team to cover for Jon, but if you’re down to just five people
Martin Blackwood: No thatll be fine
Martin Blackwood: Weve just got it covered actually, sash is going to be the acting head archivist
Sonja Zhao: oh great! glad you got that sorted without needing my input
Sonja Zhao: I love that you’re a fairly autonomous department
Martin Blackwood: Unlike research??
Sonja Zhao: you did not hear that from me
Martin Blackwood: Nah i heard it from rosie, she said youd been complaining :’’’)
Sonja Zhao: not that I’m confirming these wild and baseless rumours
Sonja Zhao: but they’re not that bad, it’s just that trying to figure out inter-university sharing protocols needs so much signing off from me??? it’s a whole yikes
Sonja Zhao: but anyway
Sonja Zhao: tell Jon I’ve already done the paperwork for him, but if you could get your forms in by Wednesday that would be amazing
Martin Blackwood: Will do :)))
Sonja Zhao: thanks! and have a great time :)
Martin Blackwood: :D :D :D
---
Rosie Kendall to Sonja Zhao
Rosie Kendall: And???
Sonja Zhao: mission success!!!
Rosie Kendall: Yessssss congratulations love <33
Sonja Zhao: god bless Martin for relentlessly badgering Jon into things
Rosie Kendall: Agreed
Sonja Zhao: oh, speaking of Martin
Sonja Zhao: you’ve been complaining to him about me complaining to you?
Rosie Kendall: Oh look there’s someone at reception I need to go!
Rosie Kendall: I’ll see you at lunch byeee
Sonja Zhao: you’re lucky i love you :P
---
Saturday, 10:26 A.M.
Jonathan Sims to Martin Blackwood
Jonathan Sims: go through the checklist once more so I’ve got it written down for when I start panicking on the train?
Martin Blackwood: Sure :)))
Martin Blackwood: Clothes (including pants shirts trousers socks coat)?
Jonathan Sims: check
Martin Blackwood: Toiletries (toothbrush toothpaste soap shampoo conditioner hairbrush hair ties beard trimmer washing powder moisturiser sunscreen just in case)?
Jonathan Sims: check
Martin Blackwood: Medication?
Jonathan Sims: check
Martin Blackwood: Daisys keys and your wallet and phone charger?
Jonathan Sims: check and check and check
Martin Blackwood: Stuff to do (books cards laptop and apparently scrabble)?
Martin Blackwood: (Youre such a nerd if you think were going to play scrabble like a pair of old timers :)))) )
Jonathan Sims: check, and yes we are, and yes I am
Martin Blackwood: <3333
Martin Blackwood: Ive got the modem so at least we can stream stuff and actually keep in touch with the others
Martin Blackwood: Were gonna do a groceries run when we get there, so we dont need to pack food
Martin Blackwood: Oh speaking of food, have you got the statements??
Jonathan Sims: for the record, I hate that
Jonathan Sims: but yes, I do
Jonathan Sims: a couple of folders full
Martin Blackwood: Fab
Martin Blackwood: Train tickets?
Jonathan Sims: printed, and I’ve got the email on my phone
Jonathan Sims: and I’ve got Daisy’s list of instructions with them
Martin Blackwood: Oh mint :))
Martin Blackwood: I think thats it then??? Were both packed????
Jonathan Sims: sounds like it
Jonathan Sims: see you at the station, then x
Martin Blackwood: See you soon!! Xx
---
4:13 P.M.
“jon and martin scammed their way into using daisys scottish house first the lucky bastards”
Will be forced to relax in the house: we’ve just arrived
Will be forced to relax in the house: we set up the modem as a matter of priority because I’m sure you wanted to know that we weren’t dead
co-owns the house: Good idea
renting the house: Its lovely here??????
renting the house: The view is stellar daisy oh my god
renting the house: There are cows???? Theres a field with cows and theyre all my new best friend and im going to meet them All
renting the house: Thank you so so much were gonna love it here :))))))
owns the house: you’re literally the only person who’s appreciated it
co-owns the house: Glad you’re enjoying it so far, though
wants to rent the house: how was the trip?
renting the house: It was good thanks sash! Pretty uneventful, but there was a guy who sat in our compartment for half a dozen stops and just ate crisps really loudly the entire time :(((((
renting the house: Jon was about this close to projecting his annoyance directly into the dudes head :’’’)
Will be forced to relax in the house: I was not, Martin
renting the house: My love i saw the look on your face
Will be forced to relax in the house: well, I wasn’t going to project anything into anyone’s head
Will be forced to relax in the house: I’m not El*as, may he go get fucked
renting the house: May he go get fucked
owns the house: may he go get fucked
wants to rent the house: may he go get fucked
calls dibs on the house next: may he go get fucked
co-owns the house: May he go get fucked
will fight u for the house tim: may he go get fucked
Will be forced to relax in the house: may he go get fucked and all his pants shrink a size, forever and ever amen
Will be forced to relax in the house: but I don’t have the projection powers he does
Will be forced to relax in the house: still, if that bastard stayed on the train for one stop more, I was going to get him to relate (and relive) his greatest fears.
will fight u for the house tim: lol jon
will fight u for the house tim: u: oh no i can’t use my spooky powers bc they draw from an entity that feasts on human fear
will fight u for the house tim: minor inconvenience: happens
will fight u for the house tim: u: ceaseless watcher turn ur gaze upon this crisp muncher
Will be forced to relax in the house: in my defence, it was incredibly annoying
renting the house: We were both So relieved when he left oh my god
calls dibs on the house next: so ur there right tho???
calls dibs on the house next: pics pics pics
renting the house: Well if you insist :))))
renting the house: When we first got here:
Martin Blackwood sent a photo
[Image ID: A selfie of Martin and Jon, standing outside a small, ramshackle-looking house. Martin is grinning widely, and Jon is smiling, looking fond but a bit dubious.]
renting the house: Main base of operations:
Martin Blackwood sent a photo
[Image ID: A bare living room, with a battered-looking couch and an equally threadbare pair of armchairs, and a pile of Jon and Martin’s stuff in the corner, topped with a Scrabble box.]
renting the house: And our blissful retreat from the world
Martin Blackwood sent a photo
[Image ID: A small but neat bedroom, with a double bed covered by a thick quilt. A couple of suitcases stand against the wall.]
wants to rent the house: there was only one bed
will fight u for the house tim: oh my god there was only one bed
calls dibs on the house: !!!!!!!!!!
Will be forced to relax in the house: don’t be juvenile
renting the house: The cuddling is gonna be fantastic :))))
Will be forced to relax in the house: ...he’s right
calls dibs on the house: :D
renting the house: The kitchen:
Martin Blackwood sent a photo
[Image ID: A tiny kitchen with a large window over the sink. There’s already a box of teabags on the kitchen counter.]
renting the house: And the view!!!!!
Martin Blackwood sent a photo
[Image ID: Rolling, heather-covered hills stretch out as far as the eye can see, beneath a cloud-dappled sky.]
wants to rent the house: damnnnnnnnnn
will fight u for the house tim: ^^what sasha said
renting the house: Its so peaceful im in love already
Will be forced to relax in the house: we’ve done a bit of a grocery shop in the village, but we’ll have a proper look around tomorrow
co-owns the house: Sounds like a good plan
renting the house: And then??? Pure relaxing :)))))
renting the house: For all his ott grumbling jons actually really happy to be here :)))
Will be forced to relax in the house: ...yes
Will be forced to relax in the house: I am
Will be forced to relax in the house: this is going to be lovely.