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Chapter Text

Cold and wet are the first two sensations Cas is aware of. He weakly struggles to a sitting position gasping and choking as he doubles over vomiting and coughing up the water from his lungs. Looking around he finds himself sitting at the edge of a lake of water. It all comes crashing down on him memories of recent events. Why is he alive? He can't even die right, he thinks in despair.

"You're alive because I brought you back", a voice answers his silent thoughts. Cas looks up to see a man standing in front of him. There's a crackle of power in the air and Cas knows instantly who the man is. " Father", he whispers in both awe and fear.

God nodded, "hello Castiel", he said. Cas felt so small under his gaze. " I prayed to you", he said, "why didn't you answer, heaven needed you, I needed you". Cas trembled as he spoke, this wasn't the conversation he'd envisioned if he ever spoke to his Father. But he was angry, angry at himself, angry at God. If he had just answered Cas wouldn't have had to make such despicable choices.

A look of disapproval and disappointment had him cowering back. " You dare to blame me", God asked. "You wanted free will Castiel and this was the choice you made with it". Cas cowered. " I wanted to fix things I was trying to save the world", he said miserably.

God gave him no mercy, "yes your intentions were good but it doesn't excuse that your actions were wrong. You were warned by angels, humans and Death himself that you were on a dangerous path yet you refused to stand down". Cas shivered, " the Leviathan's?", he questioned suddenly. God tutted at the interruption, "back in purgatory where they belong", he answered.

Cas felt a small spark of relief, at the very least the Winchester's no longer had to deal with the mess he had created. His chest constricted as he thought of the two boys. A friendship destroyed by his choices.

Panic overwhelmed him as his thoughts turned to Sam, the wall. " I fixed Sam Winchester, "God announced. The panic subsided, leaving just self-loathing and an aching numbness in Cas's chest. "If you fixed everything, why am I alive?", he asked bitterly. He tried to access his grace to dry his wet clothes and heal the ache in his body but nothing happened.

" What's happened to my grace", he asked panic, lacing his voice. God began to explain, "Dean Winchester prayed to me since I left heaven I haven't been answering prayers", Cas felt a stab of bitterness, "don't I know it", he muttered. He regretted his words as a surge of power filled the air " silence", commanded God and Cas bowed his head.

"I haven't been answering prayers because I gave humanity free will", God explained. " Then Dean Winchester prayed to me, his brother was dying. Normally I don't interfere but his prayer was loud, louder than any human I've ever heard, I then find out the leviathans are back on earth and it was all down to one of my angel's going rogue", he levelled Cas with a disapproving look before continuing. "Feeling responsible I made an exception and went to him, I healed his brother and put the leviathan's back to where they belong".

Cas felt the guilt overwhelm him, Dean had prayed to God. The man who had no faith in higher beings, who was the advocate for free will and because of Cas's actions he had to pray to the highest power in the universe. He could only imagine how bad things had got for Dean to resort to this measure. Sam had almost died, he had nearly killed his friend.

God continued, "before I left, Dean Winchester asked about you. I told him you would be resurrected and sent back to heaven for re-education". Cas felt fear creep down his spine, he still remembered the last time he had been re-educated. God watched his reaction, " Dean wasn't satisfied with that according to him heaven's methods are nothing short of barbaric. He seems to think he can do a better job at educating you on your mistakes than I or heaven ever could. He was very vocal on my absence, how he feels about my parenting and how heaven is run, son of a bitch may have been one of his choice words among others".

Cas shook head at news that Dean Winchester had stood in front of God and lectured him on parenting. That he had dared to insult God and call him a son of a bitch right to his face. Then again it didn't surprise him at all. Dean had no qualms about speaking his mind to any entity in heaven, hell or earth. His chest ached as he thought of Dean.

He had wanted to protect him and his brother, he had wanted to make the humans proud of him and instead, he had broken the bond they shared. He had lied and almost single-handedly destroyed the world but the most unforgivable crime he had committed had been harming the most precious person in Dean's life his baby brother. He had lost both Dean and Sam who had adopted him as an honorary member of their family.

Cas wished feverishly for permanent death at that moment because he couldn't face Dean or Sam. Couldn't face their anger or disappointment not now after everything. God interrupted his thoughts, reaching out and tapping his forehead. Bright light surrounded him and he squeezed his eyes shut. A strange sensation overcomes his vessel, a shrinking feeling. As the light fades Cas opens his eyes and the world feels bigger.

Lifting his hand to his face he sees it has shrunk. Clambering to his feet Cas advances on God, "what did you do to me, change me back", he demands. His voice is high pitched and at just over three feet high he's as intimidating as a baby lamb. His vessel has been de-aged to one of a six-year-old child.

God doesn't react to his demands, "you were arrogant Castiel, you thought you knew better than everyone around you. You declared yourself as God. A lesson in humility is needed".

Cas trembled, " I was trying to save the world, I had no choice", he persisted. Tears filled his eyes the fear and frustration overwhelming him. Unfamiliar emotions for him, emotions of a human, and worse a child. He stamped his foot, "you can't do this", he shouted, " it's not fair".

All his small tantrum got was another disapproving look. "And still you make excuses", God scolded. " It isn't your intentions that earned you this punishment. It was your actions, you lied to the humans in your charge, you intentionally harmed them, you killed a brother who was trying to help you".

Cas's protests died, guilt overcoming him thinking of Balthazar. God's expression softened and a hand cupped his chin gently raising his head. Looking into his father's eyes Cas saw compassion and fondness. A soft glow overcame him, easing a little of his fear.

"You were always different Castiel", God said. " Angel's were created to obey without question but from you were first created you questioned everything. A father isn't supposed to have favourites but I must admit you were mine. Since you pulled Dean Winchester from hell your path has aligned you with humanity. An angel who feels, who experiences emotion and who believes in free will it's remarkable and more so because I didn't have any hand in it.

Cas trembled in the cooling night air, darkness had descended over the lake. "What happens to me now?", he asked. God hesitated for a moment before answering, " An experiment", he answered, "normally when an angel rebels or goes rogue the only solution is death or re-education. Dean Winchester seems to think you can be rehabilitated without such harsh measures, that unlike other angels you process the ability to learn from your mistakes. So I'm giving you a year Castiel in human time. You will be under the Winchester's care and mentorship during the duration of that year, then I will return and if I feel your rehabilitation has been successful I will return your grace and restore your vessel".

Cas protested, " but I already have learned", he said. "I don't need to rehabilitate, it was a mistake, I was trying to stop an apocalypse". God shook his head, turning stern again, " the fact that you are still making excuses indicates that no you have indeed not learned Castiel. I will repeat again it was how you dealt with things not why. Until you truly understand this you are not rehabilitated. What happens the next time you feel that you have to do something drastic in the name of saving the world".

Cas felt tears well in his eyes from frustration, "what else was I supposed to do?", he yelled. " I prayed to you, I had no one else, no other choices, I had to do something". The stern look on God's face turned sad, "you did Castiel, there was help available, I may not have been physically present but I put many interventions in your path and you still couldn't see your error".

Cas tried to blot away the tears that were falling with his sleeve, " father please", he begged, his voice small a plea for mercy hoping God would relent. God only gave him a gentle shake of his head, "the Winchester's are awaiting you", he said. Another touch to his forehead and the lake disappeared. Cas looked around, finding himself outside Bobby Singer's house.

He had to leave, he couldn't face the Winchester's. Before he could creep away the door opened and Cas froze like a rabbit in a headlight as Dean Winchester looked at him with his arms crossed.

Cas had never felt so small, standing before Dean, human and in the body of a child. None of them spoke for a few long moments, the silence stretching. Dean finally spoke his voice gruff, "get inside", he ordered. Cas hesitated a moment and Dean's expression darkened, " I said get inside Cas now", he repeated. Cas ducked his head and timidly slid past Dean who paused to lock the door before leading him into the kitchen.

Bobby and Sam were both sitting at the table and Cas wished the floor would swallow him whole. The weight of all of their combined disapproval had him freezing. Dean leaned against the countertop, his arms folded, "so go ahead and explain yourself Cas?", he said, his gaze piercing. Cas couldn't look up, couldn't make eye contact and see the disgust in all their faces. " I'm sorry", he whispered and then the tears started. Tears that intensified to sobs as the shock of last hour and the reality of his situation hit him.

It was Bobby who spoke, "it's late and the kids beat", the old hunter said. " Give him a chance to adjust and rest we can deal with this in the morning". Cas was aware of a hand on his shoulder trying to lead him away from where he was rooted to the kitchen floor. He stiffened, still sobbing and refusing to move. "Cas stop being stubborn", said Dean, " you're going to bed we can talk about this in the morning".

Giving in Cas let Dean lead him to the spare bedroom. Dean goes to the window drawing the curtains. Cas stood in the middle of floor still crying although the force of the sobs had died. Dean folds down the blanket, "cmon get into bed", he instructed. Cas crept forward climbing into the bed.

Finally he gathers the courage to speak, " Why did you ask for me to be brought back here"? he asked timidly. Dean pulls blankets back and gently pushes his shoulder until he lies down, pulling the blankets up over him and soothing them out. "You dying doesn't fix anything Cas, you don't learn anything from death" he answered. Cas pointed at himself, "why like this?", he asked. Dean shrugged, "I told God that you acted like a child who can't listen and you'll be treated as such", he said simply. " I didn't expect him to take it so literally".

Cas wipes his face with his sleeve and Dean frowns. Leaving the room for a moment he returns with a damp warm washcloth. Leaning down he wipes the tears and snot from Cas' face, " c'mon now stop the tears", he said something gentler in his voice, "yes you're in trouble but nothing terrible is going to happen to you. We're not the dick's with wings with their messed up ideas of re-education".

Cas buries his face in pillow. There's a heaviness in his eyes and the warmth and weight of the blanket is strangely comforting. Dean reaches out tucking the blanket tighter around him, " go to sleep", he instructs. Dean has barely left the room, shutting the door quietly behind him before Cas is asleep.

Chapter Text

Cas was frozen with terror as the leviathan advanced on him. "And so we meet again", the monster sniggered. " We have unfinished business with you Castiel". As it got closer its mouth began to gape open a hand stretching towards him. As the cold unhuman hand grasped him dragging him towards it, the creature's face distorted and terrifying Cas let out an ear-splitting scream.

"Hey, hey easy Cas, it's ok, it's just a dream", a voice is speaking to him. Cas' eyes fly open, disoriented and wild. There's a hand rubbing his back and Cas realises where he is. In the spare bedroom at Bobby Singer's house, Dean is crouched by the bed, his hand smoothing up and down his back. Cas coughs his throat hoarse from the screaming.

Noting he's awake Dean withdraws his hand, " you good?", he asks. Cas nods his head, he's still trembling, his breathing rapid and shaky. His hair soaked to his forehead with sweat but the terror is fading and his heart rate slowing. Another sensation in his body presents a more urgent problem, "I need to use the bathroom", he said, his voice still shaky.

From the light spilling in from the hall he can see Dean's face and neck flushing. " yeah sure, do you...do you need help with that?", the hunter asked. Cas shook head, seeing the relief on Dean's face and grateful his father spared them both that indignity. Dean leads him to the bathroom and he goes inside doing his business and flushing the toilet.

As he exits the bathroom Dean is standing in the hall. "Did you wash your hands?", he asks. Cas shakes his head and Dean sighs leading him back into the bathroom. Instructing him to hold his hands out he applies a pump of liquid soap to Cas's hands and then his own. " watch", he instructs rubbing his hands together to lather the soap before rinsing under the tap.

Getting the idea, Cas does the same. "Good", said Dean, drying both their hands with a towel. " You need to wash your hands after you use the bathroom or before you eat. Now your human germs can make you sick". Cas nods to show he understands. Dean leads him back to the bedroom, straightening the blankets on the bed. "C'mon", he said, "back into bed".

Memories of the dream have Cas' heart rate rising. He shakes his head, " don't wanna", he said, cringing at just how childish his vocabulary sounds. Dean finishes fixing the bed, "tough", he said, " it's late, you're human and you need to sleep". Cas felt a wave of stubbornness overcome him, "no", he shouted, making a dart for the door.

He gets as far as the landing before a hand snagged his trench coat pulling him back. " Noooo", he screamed, kicking his feet at Dean's shins. Dean hisses the kick only hurting because Cas is still wearing shoes. He still doesn't let go, "Cas, that's enough", he said firmly, a warning in his voice.

A door opens and Bobby Singer's voice interrupts their showdown. "What the balls is going on?", the old man grumbled. Dean scoops Cas up into his arms. Cas kicks out frantically, " let me go", he screams.

When that doesn't work he sinks his teeth into Dean's shoulder. The reaction isn't what he expected, Dean lowers his hand, there's a sharp clapping noise and suddenly Cas' bottom is stinging sharply. The shock of Dean striking him and the sting startles him out of the tantrum and he bursts into tears.

"Go back to bed Bobby I got this", said Dean carrying him back to the bedroom. Setting him to sit on the bed Dean crouches at eye level with him. " I know you're adjusting and this isn't easy", said the hunter, his voice stern, "but throwing a tantrum, and kicking and biting isn't going to get you anywhere. You're in enough trouble, without making things worse on yourself. The sooner you realise that you are no longer the most powerful being in the room and you aren't in control anymore the easier this will go".

Cas dropped eyes still sobbing pitifully. One of his hands rubbing his bottom although it barely stung anymore the shock of the event was much more intense than any pain. Dean reaches out and removes his shoes, setting them beside bed. Next, the trenchcoat is unbuttoned and tugged off him. The covers are pulled down and he's lifted under his arms and laid down on the bed the blanket tucked around him.

Dean spoke again, " I know nightmares are scary", he said and there's something softer in his voice now, "but they're not real Cas, you're here and safe with us. Human's have to sleep, you can't fight this". Dean leaves and Cas lets out a miserable breath.

Curling up in a ball he sobs. He hates this, small and powerless and under the authority of the human's he used to protect. He already feels more humbled than he ever has in his many millennia of life.

It's the loss of some of the most important relationships he had ever had that has him utterly despairing. He's with the Winchester's but nothing will ever be the same. He used to be family, to be loved by them, something he never received with his many brothers and sisters in heaven. His actions had blown that, now he was an obligation to them, a task from God to rehabilitate.

Cas knows how they see him now, a monster, how can they not it's certainly how he sees himself. Dean seems to be the one who has taken on the task of dealing with him. It's just like the hunter, taking on every burden in the entire world onto his shoulders. Even rehabilitating the creature that had almost destroyed his family.

And even after all Cas had done Dean is merciful sparing him from re-education from heaven. Dean has spoken twice now about Cas being in trouble, it's obvious to him that some form of punishment is coming and while Cas fears it he knows it won't be nearly as harsh as heaven would have been on him. Dean doesn't process that level of cruelty even if Cas deserves it.

It's the loss of Dean's love and friendship that cuts him deeper than any punishment ever could. He can't look the hunter in the eye, can't stand the disappointment he'll see. Dean had shown him some kindness after his nightmare, Cas craved reassurance and affection from Dean, the child in him wanted to cling to Dean to throw himself into the hunter's arms but Cas knew he couldn't. The hunter would push him away; he no longer held any genuine affection for Cas. He was a job in Dean's eyes, a task to rehabilitate the angel so he no longer posed a threat to the world.

Cas shook with the sobs, his hand clawing at his head just under his hairline rubbing a spot of skin raw and red in his anxiety. A glow of light suddenly illustrates the darkened room, a figure appearing by his bed. " Hush little one, things aren't as bad as you think", a voice says. "Father", he whimpered trying to sit up but a gentle finger to his forehead stalls his movement. " sleep", the voice said and Cas is out the sobs turning to peaceful breathing.

Chapter Text

Cas awoke in the morning, his head feeling foggy. His eyes are sticky and stinging and his head hurts from crying the night before. He slipped out of the bed grabbing his discarded trench coat from where Dean had placed it on a table beside the bed.

He tugs the coat on his small hands fumbling with the buttons. Finding his shoes beside the bed he slips them on. Being fully dressed doesn't ease his feeling of vulnerability as he'd hoped it would. He wants nothing more than to hide, to find a place to curl up in a ball where no one would find him.

A stinging in his forehead surprises him as he had unconsciously been scratching and rubbing at his head again, the skin beginning to break and bleed. Finally the need to urinate drives him from the bedroom.

He uses the toilet and remembering Dean's lesson from the night before washes his hands. Footsteps have him tensing, Dean pokes his head into the bathroom, "you're up", he said sounding surprised. Cas nods, not saying anything, his eyes instantly dropping to the floor in Dean's presence.

He goes to creep out of the bathroom but is halted, " hey whoa not so fast", said Dean. "Did you wash your hands?". Cas nodded, holding his hands out to prove it, the sleeves of his trench coat dripping. Dean nodded, " um yeah, very good, maybe try rolling your sleeves up next time though", he advises. Cas risks a glance at Dean's face, surprised to see the man is barely hiding a smile looking amused.

The silence stretches for a few seconds making Cas' stomach churn. His hand finds the spot on his head nervously scratching and picking. His hand is swatted away, "hey stop that", orders Dean. Crouching in front of him he examines the irritated skin, " Cas you idiot", he exclaims. Cas looked at the floor, tears beginning to well not understanding what he's been scolded for now.

He's picked up and set to sit on the toilet lid. Dean turns, running the water in the sink and wringing out a face cloth. Crouching in front of Cas he gently washed his face, he's gentle but Cas squirms and whimpers as the cloth run over the graze on his head. "Yeah that's what happens when you scratch your friggin skin off", said Dean sighing and setting the face cloth aside.

Dean climbed to his feet going to open the cupboard under the sink pulling out a small white bottle and a pack of cotton pads. Pouring some of the contents of the bottle onto a pad he crouches down and dabs at the graze on Cas' forehead.

Cas flinches, it's cold but then the stinging fades. " Better?", asked Dean, Cas nods, Dean raises an eyebrow at him, "you lose your voice overnight?", he asked pointedly. Cas shook his head before realising Dean wanted a verbal answer, " no '', he answered quietly.

Dean folds his legs and leans against the bathtub. There's silence for a moment then Dean began to speak, "when Sam was little and Dad was away on a hunt he used to scratch and pick his arm", he said. " He'd scratch until it bled, he still has the scars, it got worse over time, he'd scratch every time we moved to a new town, if Dad or I were gone or if he was stressed over school. Dad never saw it as a problem but I did", there's a slight bitterness in Dean's voice, "I took him to the doctors and they said it was caused by anxiety.

Cas listened, unsure of why Dean was telling him this. Dean had told him stories of his childhood before all equally disturbing. He wished he could ease Dean's pain, that he had some way to ease the burden of the neglected childhood Dean had endured trying to look after his younger brother whilst only a child himself.

Dean met his eye, "the point is Cas I know what this is", he said, reaching out to gently tap under the graze on Cas' forehead. "Now I understand this is hard on you. I know you're scared, but this doesn't help anything or anyone. You need to stop, there is no need or reason for this, I've already told you nothing terrible is going to happen", Dean trailed off watching Cas for his reaction.

Cas fidgeted with Dean's attention fully on him fighting the urge to scratch. Doing the very thing he was currently being scolded for would be the height of idiocy. He forced his hand to his side, nodding his head not sure what answer he could give or what Dean wanted from him in way of a response.

Dean's gentleness hurt more than any yelling or lecture. Cas could almost convince himself that Dean still cared for him when he was speaking to him in this manner. But Cas knew the truth after everything he had done there wasn't anyone left in the world who could care let alone Dean.

Dean looked disappointed when Cas didn't answer, " no more of this", he said tapping his head, "it stops right now Cas". Looking him over, Dean frowns, lifting him off the toilet seat to stand. "If you're going to insist on wearing the coat in the house at least button it right", he groaned crouching down to fix the wrongly fastened buttons on his trench coat.

Cas let Dean fuss over his clothing, standing still and quiet, his eyes fixed on the ground. Dean sighed at his silence, " c'mon", he said, "let's get some food into you". Cas shook his head, "not hungry", he tried to protest. Dean steered him out of the bathroom, " you'll change your mind when you try Bobby's pancakes", he answered.

Bobby and Sam are both sitting at the kitchen table when they walk in mugs of coffee and plates of pancakes in front of them. "Thought you two got lost", grumbled Bobby standing up. Dean directed Cas into a chair and poured himself a mug of coffee. Bobby set a plate of pancakes in front of each of them. Cas' had been cut up into bite-size pieces. The smell assaulted his nostrils, his stomach rumbling and he realised he is hungry.

" Thank you", he said softly as a carton of juice with a straw was placed in front of him beside the pancakes. He knew Bobby likely despised him for what he had done to the two boys he considered his sons and yet the man was still allowing him to stay under his roof as well as feeding him. A thank you was the least he owed him.

Bobby looked him over, "you're welcome, hardly going to starve you son", he answered. Frowning, he took Cas's chin in his head, raising his face, " what happened to your head?", he asked. It was Dean who answered for him, "he's being scratching, a touch of anxiety, I cleaned it and we had a chat but we need to keep an eye on it". There's something beneath the casualness in Dean's voice and he and Bobby share a look over Cas' head.

Bobby ruffles his hair gently, a look on his face Cas doesn't understand. " Eat your breakfast son before it gets cold", he said, retaking his seat. Cas began eating the pancakes. The sweet taste was pleasant although he only managed about a quarter of his plate. Dean pushed the juice carton into his hand, "drink that", he instructed, " all of it", he added sternly. He sips on the juice slowly and Dean left the table to help Bobby clear up the dishes.

Sam moves closer to Cas as the other two men leave the table, "hey buddy, how are you doing?", he asks softly. Panic overwhelms Cas, he shouldn't even speak to Sam after what he had done, Dean would be angry.

His breathing hitches his hand inching towards his head, and Sam reaches towards him, taking his hand gently before he can scratch. " Hey, no, don't do that Cas, it's ok you're ok", he soothed. There's compassion and gentleness in Sam's voice both of which Cas doesn't deserve. "I'm sorry", he whispered, " Sam I'm sorry", before bursting into tears.

Sam squeezes his hand, "Cas", he began to speak before Dean appears at the table. " Jesus Sam, how did you manage to get him this worked up in less than five minutes", said Dean sounding irritated. Cas pulls back from Sam as if struck when he heard Dean's voice. He huddled in his seat curling his legs up and toning out the brother's voices.

"Cas", a voice said and he stubbornly tried to ignore it. " Cas", the voice repeats. Looking up Cas sees Dean is crouched beside his seat. " enough is enough", said Dean firmly, " you've had time to adjust but this Cas whatever is going on in your head this isn't healthy and it's making all of us all miserable. I've tried to have sympathy but it was your own actions that got you into this mess and putting that conversation off isn't doing any of us any good. So it's time to deal with this or none of us are going to be able to move on.

Cas nodded, part of him relieved Dean was finally getting to the point. He appreciated the fact Dean still spoke to him mostly in adult terms; the elder Winchester seemed to be the only one who understood he wasn't completely a child.

Dean seemed to be able to deal with Cas' rapidly changing persona between adult and child better than Cas himself could. The man took it all in stride, swatting him for throwing a tantrum, teaching him simple things like how to wash his hands but then speaking to him like an adult and not mincing words when needed.

Both Bobby and Sam had left the room leaving the two of them to talk. "Alright Cas, we'll start at the beginning you've got an awful lot of explaining to do", said Dean. " And I want you to be crystal clear on something, this isn't about me being angry with you. This is about needing you to understand what you did wrong because if God isn't satisfied that we've rehabilitated you he will send you back to heaven for re-education. Do you understand that". Cas nodded his head feeling sick at even the thought of re-education. He's still confused to why Dean is so adamantly against it thinking Dean would of wanted him to get what he deserved after everything.

Chapter Text

Cas fidgets in his seat. It's almost a relief when Dean speaks, breaking the tense silence between them, the hunter is leaning against the table, his arms crossed, "alright so shoot what do you have to say for yourself?", he asked.

Cas swallowed, " I had to do it, if Raphael won, he would have restarted the apocalypse", he said. He can tell instantly by Dean's body language that he's said the wrong thing.

Dean's voice is low and pointed as he responds, "so you don't feel you did anything wrong?", he asked. Cas feels a wave of frustration overcome him, tears pricking his eyes. Dean is being unfair now and twisting his words.

He tries to push the childish emotions away wishing he had more control over his mind, actually he wishes he had more control over anything anymore. " What I did was wrong, I should have controlled the leviathan's but opening purgatory wasn't", he insisted stubbornly.

Dean shook his head, "whoa", he said, " and there was me feeling bad about taking you to task on this. I told God I was sure it wasn't necessary but he's right you don't have a friggin clue or any understanding of just how out of line you were do you Cas?".

Dean's words pushed Cas over the edge as the tears spilt over. "I do", he shouted kicking the leg of his seat, " I shouldn't have broken Sam's wall and I should have been stronger and not let the leviathan's take control but opening purgatory was the only way. I didn't even know about the leviathan's, I just needed the souls".

Dean raised an eyebrow at him unphased as he shouted, " Cas do we need to have another discussion about tantrums", he asked calmly. Cas took a few sharp breaths trying to calm down. Dean's calm authority over him only made him feel more out of control and upset. It used to be the other way around Dean the over emotional one and Cas the statue of calm against Dean's frustrations and rage.

Trembling with frustration and nervous anxious energy, Cas' hand edged to his head longing to scratch. A tap to his knuckles stopped him as Dean moved closer, " none of that", he scolded. Cas crossed his arms with an angry huffed breath. He's trying to mirror Dean's pose but in the body of a six-year-old with tears trailing down his face, he doesn't have quite the same air of intimidation or authority that Dean has to pull it off. He just looks like a sulking child.

Dean spoke again, "maybe popping purgatory was the only way, maybe it wasn't. Guess what Cas we'll never know the answer to that because you didn't give anything else a try. And you're still not getting the point, you messed up long before you opened purgatory or took Sammy's wall down".

Cas stubbornly stares at the floor purposely not responding. Dean isn't going to listen to his side of things any way he thought bitterly so what was the point of him even trying to speak.

Dean frowned at his childish defiance. " Okay, you want to act like you don't know what I'm talking about, I'll spell it out for you then. Let's start with the big one Cas huh let's start with Crowley, the deal then the bones, you lied to us does that ring a bell?".

Cas kept his gaze on the floor but Dean's not giving up pressing him for a response "now I'm pretty sure you know lying is wrong. Isn't it in the bible you angels are so fond of preaching one of the ten commandments? Thou shalt not bear false witness, fancy terms but let's simplify it "you shall not lie".

Dean's lecture had Cas squirming hating the stripping away of any moral highland he has left. He opens his mouth finally speaking, "I was trying to save the world, I was trying to protect you, you were out, I wanted you to have peace".

Dean sighed, " so you thought you would protect me and give me peace by first not coming and telling me about another apocalypse on the horizon after we all busted our asses preventing the last one then lying to me for almost a full year, going behind my back to hatch a hair-brained plan to open purgatory that you weren't even one hundred percent sure would work and all the while working with Crowley the most untrustworthy son of a bitch we know", he asked.

Cas lowered his eyes his excuses sounded so feeble when Dean spelt it all out so bluntly. "I thought I was doing the right thing, I didn't mean for anyone to get hurt", he whispered, his voice tearful and vulnerable. " it just all kept getting worse and I couldn't stop".

Cas is surprised when the expression on Dean's face softens, "Cas I get it", the hunter said his voice much gentler, " really I do. I know you meant well. It's not your intentions that are in question here. It's your actions and that's what I need to be sure you understand because for a start I told God I'd make sure you were rehabilitated if he handed you over to us and not heaven. And next because something like this can never happen again. I'm not having another episode down the line of you nearly destroying the world. I won't be able to save you next time Cas. This is the only second chance you'll get".

Cas just sniffled in response then yelps in surprise when Dean comes over and lifts him out of his seat carrying him over to the kitchen and sitting him on the countertop beside the sink. "Cas the thing with telling lies as you found out is it makes things worse. You have to tell one lie to cover another lie. Lies destroy trust and in our lives, lies can end up with world-ending consequences".

Cas nods in understanding too choked up to speak. Dean reached out, lifting the bottle of hand soap sitting on the window ledge. " You will never lie to us again Cas", said the hunter, his voice slightly severe, "I want complete honesty from you from here on out. Even if you don't think I'm going to like what you have to say, you still tell me the truth, do you understand me?". Cas nodded, but it wasn't good enough for Dean. " What was that?", the man asked. Cas swallowed down the lump in his throat, "yes", he answered, " I understand".

Dean shook the bottle in his hand. "We're going to make sure of that", he said, " open your mouth". Cas obeyed not understanding what is about to happen. Dean puts the tip of the bottle nuzzle inside his mouth squeezing the pump and Cas finds himself with a large mouthful of cold slimy and foul-tasting soap. Whimpering in distress and close to gagging he throws Dean a look full of hurt.

"Don't swallow it", warned Dean, taking his phone from his pocket. " This is an old trick of Dad's and Bobby's. Me and Sam learned from a very young age not to lie because if you lie, you get your mouth washed out with soap. I can assure you it's a very effective deterrent". Cas squirmed the soap foaming and turning to suds in his mouth. He spluttered, choking on it and gasping in panic.

"Hey", said Dean and then there's a hand rubbing his back softly. " calm down, you're fine, just breathe Cas throw your nose, that's it, it's not going to harm you, it just doesn't taste nice. One minute then you can rinse it out but I want you to remember this the next time you ever consider lying to me or anyone else again".

Cas calmed slightly with Dean's hand gently rubbing his back. A minute seemed to last for eternity but then a beeping noise came from Dean's phone.

Dean swiped the screen, withdrawing his hand from his back and turning on the cold tap, "ok you're done spit it out into the sink". Cas didn't need telling twice, he spat the soap out the disgusting gloop washing down the drain with the water.

No matter how much Cas spat the taste and suds in his mouth didn't seem to cease. Dean had filled a glass of water, " here", he said raising it to Cas' lips, "take a mouthful, swish it around your mouth and spit it out". Cas did as instructed the water helping to clean away the taste of the soap and the last of the suds. Dean let him have a few more mouthfuls to rinse before setting the glass aside.

" So", the hunter asked, "are you going to lie to us again?". Cas shook his head fervently, " no never", he answered through the tears. Dean seemed satisfied with his answer, "the truth is always the best policy Cas. Even if you've screwed up somehow and you think we're going to be mad at you from now on just tell us the truth and we'll try to help you fix it".

Cas nodded listlessly feeling exhausted and wishing this long unpleasant conversation was over. Dean sighed, " ok so that's the lying dealt with what else, huh, tell me what else you think you did wrong?".

Cas tried to stem the tears with his sleeve, "I should have told you, I should have just came to you and told you from the start", he said, " but Dean I had to open purgatory I was losing against Raphael", tears spilt down his cheeks as he tried to make Dean understand how necessary his actions had been.

Dean sighed, "Cas listen to me, you keep going back to the purgatory thing but that's not what this is about. You should have come to us for help, you should have trusted us. And when we told you no you should have listened to us. We would have looked into it together and if we couldn't come up with anything else we would have helped you tweak the purgatory plan and tried to come up with something to stop you from going nuclear. It might not have worked but at least we would have been in it together not you lying and sidelining us".

Dean's words break the damn and Cas' soft weeping turns to anguished and repentive sobbing. For the first time, he fully understands exactly why Dean is so disappointed in him. Misery overwhelms him as he realised if he'd just opened his mouth and spoke to Dean all this might of being prevented. He wouldn't be in this situation now and his friendship with the Winchester's wouldn't have been destroyed.

Dean watches him cry, the sympathy clear on his face and Cas doesn't understand why Dean is still so understanding and kind. He's nothing to the hunter anymore, not his family or his friend and yet Dean's still too compassionate of a human to treat him even a fraction of as harshly as he deserves.

Dean waits for his crying to tone back down to weeping before speaking again, " are you starting to understand now?", he questioned and Cas nodded. Dean gently pressed him, "ok how about you try again then. Tell me what you did wrong?".

Cas took a shaky breath, " I lied, I didn't tell you anything, I didn't listen to you, I broke Sam's wall, I let the leviathan's out and killed", he breaks off as Dean holds up his hand to stop him.

"No", said the hunter firmly, " you're not been punished over the leviathans or anything you did while under their control Cas. You didn't know about them and anything you did when they processed you well you weren't in your right mind. You also came to us to ask for help when you realised you couldn't control them so you've already answered for that part. The point is that it might all have been prevented if you told us from the start, we might even have found out about purgatory and the leviathans by doing some research into your crappy plan and we would have ditched it. So it still all boils down to you not being honest with us and not telling us".

Cas didn't reply grateful but completely confused at why Dean is being so lenient with him. Dean continued, "ok we've covered most of it, the lying, not telling us, not listening and Sam's wall there's one more thing you did and it's one of the most major do you know what it is?".

Cas shook his head in confusion. He had killed thousands of humans as well as almost half of his own species, nearly vapourising heaven but Dean had said he wasn't holding him responsible for anything he did when processed by leviathans. He looks at Dean for help understanding.

Dean made eye contact with him, " you endangered yourself Cas you made a crappy impulsive plan. You went at it solo without backup, used yourself as a friggin soul catcher and got yourself killed, that's not okay any of it".

Cas flinched at the sternness in Dean's tone, nodding quickly to try to appease the man. He didn't understand why Dean was so outraged about him endangering himself but he supposed at the time when he was opening purgatory they had still been friends, even family back before Cas had gone and blown everything they had to pieces.

Dean ran his hand through his hair looking as tired as Cas felt. "You've some major apologies to make to everyone in this house kiddo", he told Cas. Cas took the cue, " I'm sorry", he said softly. Dean held his hand up, "no, not right now, you've got the rest of the day Cas to have a good long think over everything we've talked about". Dean trailed off and there's a reluctance on his face that Cas doesn't like. It tells him straight away he's not going to like what Dean says next.

Dean takes a breath and his voice is firmer but still calm. "After dinner tonight we're going to recap this conversation about what you did wrong and you're going to get a spanking and then you're going to apologise to everyone and the apologies better be genuine Cas no excuses involved I've heard more than enough excuses from you do you understand me". Cas nodded, something churning in his stomach.

He's more than willing to apologise but he doesn't understand the rest " What's a spanking?", he asked timidly. Dean looked uncomfortable thinking for a moment before answering, "remember what happened last night when you threw a tantrum and bit me", he asked. Cas nodded, not liking where this was going and remembering the sharp unpleasant sting.

Dean continued " well that was a spank, a spanking is a plural to that, in other words, more than one spank". Cas' bottom lip trembled his tears beginning again, "how many", he asked, his voice tiny. Dean considered, " what age are you?", he asked.

Cas answered puzzled "three billion five hundred years old", he is surprised when Dean laughs not understanding how his age is funny to him. " Well that would be a little extreme", said Dean, still chuckling. "No, Cas what age is your vessel?", he asked. " I mean the age of your vessel right now", he quickly added before Cas could finish calculating Jimmy Novak's age. Understanding now what Dean meant, Cas answered, "six".

Dean nodded, " ok we'll double that then to twelve. Twelve smacks, and a few apologies from you and all this is over". Before Cas could respond or protest Dean reached out and lifted him off the counter setting him on his feet on the floor, "no whining kid you have no idea how lenient I'm being on you. Go and wash your face and then go to your room, take a nap, I'll get you up for lunch".

Miserably Cas trudged out the room. Going to the bathroom he washed his face and headed to the bedroom. Curling up on the bed he let out a shaky breath wishing he could go back in time to last year undo everything and that he had never ever heard of the words purgatory or souls.

Chapter Text

Cas hid under blankets and feigned sleep as he heard the door handle turn. "Cas", he heard Dean say softly and he didn't respond doing his best to appear sound asleep. It's the third time Dean has come in to attempt to wake him.

Bobby's voice joined Dean's, " let him sleep Dean", said the older man quietly. Dean sounded frustrated, "he needs to eat something Bobby and if he sleeps all day he'll be up all night. It's not a good habit to allow him to get into. He's being human for less than two days".

Bobby's answer was quiet, "and it's been a hard few days for him, just let him sleep, we'll worry about routines come tomorrow". Dean sounded annoyed, " you mean I'll worry about routines and reinforce them too since I'm the one stuck playing bad cop", he snapped.

"I did offer", Bobby said, his voice fading as he stepped out of the room. Cas tensed again but Dean followed Bobby, " No look Bobby sorry for snapping but this is my responsibility. Cas hears him say before he shuts the door quietly. He strains to hear more but their voices are too muffled as they walk down the hall.

Cas buried his face in the pillow miserably. Their words had proven everything he'd been fearing. He was a responsibility and a burden to Dean. The next time the door opens it's Bobby again. Pretending to be asleep doesn't work so well this time.

The man opens the curtains letting the afternoon light into the darkened room. "I know you're not still sleeping son", said Bobby, " c'mon up you get you can't hide in here all day". His cover blown, Cas sits up Bobby runs his eyes over him tutting at his pitiful appearance, his eyes red and his face streaked from tear tracks.

"You haven't been sleeping at all have you?", asked Bobby. Cas was about to deny it before he remembered the conversation earlier in the day between himself, Dean and a bottle of soap about lying. Miserably he shook his head. He's surprised when Bobby sighs and lowers himself onto the bed to sit beside him. The man wraps his arm around his shoulders and pulls him into his side.

" This isn't easy, son is it?", stated Bobby sympathetically. Cas shook his head, tears spilling over. He curls closer to Bobby hiding his face in his side needing comfort. The man tightened his arm around him, "Believe it or not it's not easy for us either, it was this or letting you be handed over to heaven something none of us wanted. We're all adjusting, especially you but things will get easier in time. You just need to trust that we're doing what's best for you".

Cas rubbed his eyes, "I don't know why my father did this", he said gesturing at himself. " I know I had to be punished but why did he turn my vessel into a child, I don't like it".
Bobby rubbed his arm, "that's the thing about discipline son, you're not supposed to like it and you certainly don't get to choose how it goes", he pointed out.

Cas sniffed, wiping his nose on his sleeve. " I'm a child but I'm not a child", he said trying to explain as best he could. " I don't understand what I'm supposed to learn from it". Bobby gently pushed him back to make eye contact with him, " well tell me what have you learned so far?", he asked.

Cas was quick to answer, "not to lie, not to hide things, and to come to one of you straight away when somethings wrong", he said. Bobby nodded, " very good I think that's a good start, a very good start", he praised.

The old man sighed "Cas I don't know why God…. I mean your father changed you into this. Dean did mention to him that you'd behaved like a child that didn't listen so maybe that planted the seed", he said. " I guess he left your memories because he needed you to still remember what happened. Discipline wouldn't be very effective if you didn't remember or understand what you're being corrected for".

Cas let out a huffed breath, "I don't like it", he repeated sullenly. Bobby nodded, " I know you don't kid, I'm not exactly sure myself what the lesson is. I suppose a knock to your pride and a dose of humility is a few of his reasons. I do know however what I would like you to learn from this".

Cas gave Bobby a questioning look and Bobby made eye contact with him, "to trust us Cas'', he said. " This whole mess was caused by you not trusting us, from your stubborn belief you had to protect us and go at it alone. If you learn anything from this then let it be that you can come to us, that friendship goes both ways. We all look after each other. You're going to have to depend on us and let us take care of you for the foreseeable future, and I think that could be a good lesson for you to learn ".

Cas considered Bobby's words, "are we still friends", he asked anxiously awaiting the answer. The old man looked startled at his question, " Of course we are, we're more than that, we're family", he said, "just because you messed up doesn't mean we disown you. We take knocks in this family but we don't give up on each other".

Cas chewed his lip, " Dean doesn't want to be my friend anymore", he said softly. "Him and Sam will never forgive me. I wanted to make them proud of me. I wanted to make you all proud. I thought I could save the world and I just screwed everything up".

Bobby sighed, "Cas for a start Sam's already forgiven you that boy doesn't hold grudges. As for Dean, well you should know Dean well enough to understand just how complicated his feelings are on this", he said. " Dean doesn't take betrayals lightly. One of the reasons he's so hurt over this is because you two were close and he trusted you. You're the best friend he's ever had so a betrayal like this cuts deep. He still cares about you a hell of a lot. He stood in front of God himself and refused to back down just to save you but you have to give him some time and understand that things between you two aren't going to be fixed overnight".

Cas nodded, "ok", he said quietly. Bobby squeezed him before withdrawing his arm and standing up, " I'll give you some advice kid, if you want to make Dean proud of you, then show him you can accept responsibility. He'll have a lot more respect for you if you can do that".

Cas nodded again, mulling Bobby's word over in his head. Bobby patted his back, "c'mon it's nearly dinner time you missed lunch go wash your hands and face. Then you can come down and help me set the table", he said.

When Cas entered the kitchen Bobby showed him how to set the table. The old man is filling bowls with stew and buttering crusty bread.

When Cas goes to take one of the bowls to the table Bobby shoos him away " I'll sort these out they're hot don't want you to scald yourself. Dean and Sam are out working on the car", he told Cas, "go tell them that dinner will be on the table in five minutes". Cas nodded, walking out into the yard.

Cas hears the brothers as soon as he steps into the yard. The two men are over at the impala. Sam's leaning against the car whilst Dean is crouched fiddling with something under the hood. They're talking and laughing together and Cas pauses, watching them a pang in his stomach as he remembers the rare quiet peaceful nights the three of them used to spend between battling the apocalypse sitting and talking in this very yard.

Dean slams the car's hood closed, " Oops sorry Baby", the man said, patting the impala. Sam rolled his eyes, "Dean it's a car, it doesn't understand you", the younger Winchester said, rolling his eyes but there's a smirk on his lips. Dean fake frowned at Sam patting the impala again as if to smooth it. " Don't listen to him Baby", he mock whispered.

Cas wonders how far he's truly fallen as he watches them feeling jealous of a car. The car he thinks bitterly comes way before him in Dean's affections and priorities. It's his own fault, he reminds himself. He used to be part of Dean's closest circle, a part of his family but he had blown it with his actions and no matter what Bobby says Cas doesn't believe Dean will ever forgive him or trust him again.

"Cas you ok", a voice asked startling Cas out of his thoughts. He looks up to see Sam coming towards him with concern on his face. " Bobby said dinner will be ready in five minutes", he reported quickly turning and fleeing back to the house.

Cas sits quietly at the dinner table whilst the three men talk. He's picking through his bowl finding he likes the potatoes and meat much more than he likes the vegetables in his stew. "Stop picking Cas you need to eat your vegetables", said Dean.

Sam and Bobby both exchanged a look and burst out laughing, " lead by example Dean", said Sam pointedly looking at Dean's bowl where a cluster of onions and carrots are floating in the last congealed remains of his gravy. Dean shook his head then chuckled, "alright, alright never mind", he said.

Bobby stands beginning to clear the table. Sam rises to help him. Dean takes his bowl and sets it in the sink, " thanks Bobby", the hunter said. Cas lifts his bowl carrying it into the kitchen. Bobby takes it off him, "good boy", he said in approval. " Thank you for dinner", said Cas then looked over at the sink piled with dishes. "Can I help?", he asked.

Bobby chuckled, " not tonight I don't think you'd even be able to reach the sink short-stuff. We'll make you a stool to stand on soon and you can do all the dishes you want to save my old back", he teases ruffling Cas' hair.

Dean is standing watching their exchange a small half-smile on his face. He interrupts, "ok guys me and Cas are going to the sitting room to have a chat and then he has something to say to you both". Cas' stomach sinks as his last hope of Dean forgetting or relenting fades.

Bobby dries his hands on the towel, " I'll go and start the bath, I think there are a few pairs of you boys' old pyjamas from when you were kiddies in a drawer in one of the bedrooms that might just about fit him. I'm sure you'll want to get him bathed and settled into bed after you two are done". Dean nodded, "thanks Bobby", he answered before jerking his head at Cas, " c'mon you", he said.

Sam and Bobby both give him a sympathetic look as Cas turns to follow Dean into the sitting room pushing down the urge to protest. He's taken Bobby"s words to heart.

When Cas enters the sitting room Dean has carried one of the dining room chairs into the room setting it in front of the settee. "Take a seat Cas", he said, patting it. Cas does what he's told, watching nervously as Dean removes his jacket, taking his keys and phone from his jean pockets and setting them on the coffee table.

Dean sits on the settee at eye level with him and Cas' attention is immediately focused on him. " Ok", said Dean calmly, "did you think about everything we talked about earlier?". Cas nodded, " I'm sorry", he said, Dean's reply is soft, "I know you are", he acknowledged " but apologies afterwards right now I want you to give me a recap of why we're doing this".

Cas swallowed his mouth dry. They'd talked at length earlier about this. Why was Dean making him repeat the same thing over and over again? Dean noticed his reluctance, "I'm waiting Cas", he said.

Cas took a breath, " I didn't come to you I hid things from you, I lied to you, I didn't listen, I broke Sam's wall and I put myself in danger", he mumbled hoping the short garbled answer would be enough and Dean wouldn't press him for more details.

Dean nodded, " yeah Cas, I don't know what on earth you were thinking", he said. "We saved the world together, and then you went and pulled a move like this. You spent a year with us Cas, so you don't have the excuse of the clueless angel, you know what you did isn't the way we deal with things. The fact you lied about it just proves you knew you were doing wrong. And what you did to Sam, you hurt him, you took that wall down purposely to distract us, that's not okay Cas, that's manipulation, you do not hurt people especially your friends just to get your own way".

Cas sniffled, tears welling up. The scolding had him mentally feeling every bit as young as the current physical age of his vessel. Dean hadn't even swatted him yet and he already felt like a chastised child. What hurt most was that every word Dean said was true.

" I'm sorry", he said, quietly guilt twisting his stomach. "I know you're angry I was evil, I'm a monster". Dean's expression changed and he stands lifting him to his feet he spins him around and lands two swift sharp swats to his rear before plunking him back on his chair and retaking his seat on the settee. "ow", Cas whined, wriggling and reaching down to rub the sting.

Dean's voice was steely as he levelled a glare at him, "you don't talk about yourself that way, you are not a monster and you are not evil. I've hunted evil and put down monsters every day of my life and you're not one of them. What you are is an idiot who needs to learn to listen".

Dean's tone softened a little. " And I'm not angry with you Cas, I'm hurt and I'm disappointed in you", he said. Tears run down Cas' cheeks at both the swats and Dean' words. He could hear the hurt in Dean's voice and coupled with Dean who didn't talk about feelings voicing out loud how hurt and disappointed he was in him hits him harder than any punishment could.

"I'm sorry", he sobbed out. "I know you are", replied Dean, "I also know that you are so much better than this bullshit and that you can learn from your mistakes unlike the rest of the angels. If I didn't know that I wouldn't have insisted that you be handed over to us instead of heaven".

Cas whimpered, " why did you?", he asked. Dean rolled his eyes, "because they're barbaric", he snapped, "they would have tortured and reprogrammed you. And it would have been all for the wrong reasons, for their own sick twisted vengeance. You would have learned absolutely nothing about what you did wrong. Everything you learned from us about free will would be undone. You'd be right back to heaven's emotionless soldier that's not what I want for you Cas".

Before Cas can reply Dean changed the topic back to subject in hand " alright anyway we've talked. You know exactly why this is happening so time to get it over with. Stand up".

Cas slipped off the chair tensing as he prepared himself for Dean to rise, spin him around once again and start swatting. He's confused when Dean stays seated and reaches out taking his wrist and firmly but gently tugs him forward a few steps until he's standing between Dean's knees.

Dean begins to unbutton his trench coat, sliding it off his shoulders. Cas whimpered, grabbing at the sleeves of the coat as it's taken off him, he's not being uncooperative, the coat is like a security blanket for him and he feels vulnerable without it.

Dean gives the coat a gentle tug until he lets go, "it's ok Cas", said Dean quietly, setting the coat on the settee beside him. " I'm not taking it away from you". Dean's hands move down and begin to undo the buttons on his trousers before sliding them down.

Cas tries to pull away as his trousers are lowered. "Dean", he protested, trying to bat Dean's hands away. Dean scoops him up under his arms, " stop the fussing", he gently reprimands sitting him on his lap one arm wrapped around his waist to hold him still while he uses his free hand to remove his shoes and tugs the trousers off his feet leaving him sitting on Dean's lap in just his boxers and white shirt.

Cas is too bemused now to struggle until he's picked up under his arms again and laid down on his tummy over Dean's lap. He squirms trying to get up but a hand on his back prevents him.

"Dean", he whines, struggling. Dean soothes his hand up and down his back a few times reaching out with his other hand and moving the trench coat closer to him, "here", he says gently. Cas clings to the coat burying his face into it.

Dean adjusts his shirttail, folding it up. " twelve Cas I want you to remember this if you ever have an urge to carry out another reckless plan behind our backs and lie to us about it", he said.

The first swat of Dean's hand across the seat of his underwear makes Cas gasp, the sound startling him more than anything. He tries to squirm away. "Dean" he whined, "I'm sorry".

Dean doesn't speak, ignoring his whining and apologies. One hand on his back holds him gently but firmly in place while the hunter's other hand continues to swat his rear before moving down to deliver light but stingy swats to his sit spots and the top of his thighs.

He's not been harsh or rough. Unpleasant as this experience is Cas can easily tell Dean's aim here isn't to harm him. The man is much stronger than him in his shrunken vessel and could easily cause him real damage but Dean's carefully holding back his strength.

It's over in less than one minute but Cas is wailing by the time the twelve sanctioned smacks are all administered. Tears and snot dripping onto his trench coat. He's overreacting majorly, he tells himself. He's been tortured, beaten, exploded, shot and stabbed many times in his aeons of living and even with his grace a lot of those events had hurt at the time much more than the truthfully extremely light spanking he'd just received.

His logic though is battling and losing a battle against his emotions and his emotions presently are the ones of a child. So just like any child who's been disciplined, he cries as if it's the end of the world. A gentle hand is rubbing his back between his shoulder blades, "easy, it's ok", soothed Dean, " we're done Cas, you're ok, it's all over now". It takes a few long moments for his wails to dissipate into softer crying.

"I'm sorry", he sniffled " Dean I'm sorry". Dean's voice was soft, "I know you are", the man said, " but you've some more apologies to make don't you". Cas nodded and Dean lifted him gently off his lap to stand on his feet gently turning him by shoulders and giving him a gentle nudge towards the door. "go on, go speak to Bobby and Sam and then it's time for a bath and bed".

Cas hesitated at the door expecting Dean to rise and accomplish him to ensure his apologies were satisfactory. When he looked back Dean was slumped on the sofa, the hunter was rubbing his temple looking as miserable as Cas felt. Looking up he saw Cas at door quickly schooling his features. "Cas go now", he snapped his voice harsher than he had been with Cas all night.

Cas crept into the kitchen. Bobby and Sam were sitting at the table cups in their hands. Sam looked up seeing him standing tearfully in the doorway, " ahh Cas c'mere", said the younger Winchester standing up and crossing the room to him. "I'm sorry", he manages through sniffles and hiccups. Sam crouches down wrapping his arms around him and pulling him into a tight embrace, " shush you're forgiven", he said, "you're forgiven Cas it's all ok now you're ok". Sobbing into Sam's shoulder Cas is aware of another presence. "I'm sorry Bobby", he added.

Bobby laid a gentle hand on his back, " alls forgiven now son, it's over", he said simply. Cas can't seem to stop crying bawling into Sam's shoulder. Bobby bent down and scooped him out of Sam's embrace, lifting him into his arms and bouncing him gently rubbing his back. "C'mon kid, I found you some pyjamas, let's get you bathed and ready for bed then you can come down and say good night to everyone", he said.

Cas buries his face in Bobby's shoulder sniffling as he's carried from the kitchen. He can't even summon any embarrassment or protest being treated like a child. He just clings to Bobby soaking up the comfort and affection. Dean's still sitting in the sitting room as Bobby carries him in. " Is he ok?", asked Dean when he saw Cas in Bobby's arms, something in his voice sounding alarmed.

Bobby stopped in front of Dean one hand still soothingly rubbing Cas' back. "He's fine," said the older man, "he apologised and he's going for a bath now before he says goodnight how are you doing son?".

Dean doesn't answer Bobby sighed, "it wasn't easy was it", Dean snorted, "well hopefully that son of a bitch who sees all hears all will be satisfied now", he grunted gesturing at the sky. Bobby frowns," let's not antagonise him", he said dryly.

Cas spotted his trench coat on the settee trying to wriggle out of Bobby's arms. " Bobby", he fussed, "I…". Bobby cuts him off, " no son, you're going for a bath", he said. Dean, recognising what he wanted lifted the coat, "Bobby wait, he wants this", he said handing him the coat. Cas clutched it tightly to his chest as Bobby carried him to the bathroom.

Bobby set him gently on the closed toilet lid as he tested the bathwater adding some hot water. " You okay son?", he asked, crouching down in front of him. Cas shook his head hiding his face in the trench coat he still clutched. Bobby gave him a smile ruffling his hair, "cheer up you'll feel better after a bath and a good nights sleep", he reassured.

" It hurts", whined Cas hating how childish he sounded. In actual fact his bottom didn't hurt that much, the spanking had been more token than anything and it's only a very light sting left behind but he's fishing for some sympathy.

Bobby however doesn't give him much. "I'm sure it does", he said matter of factly, " but that's what happens to young idjits in this family when they do something foolish or dangerous they get their bottom smacked. Sam and Dean could both have told you that", he said.

The information startles Cas out of his sulk. "Dean and Sam have been spanked", he gasped shocked. Bobby chuckled, " yup they sure have", he said then his expression softened, "they're not perfect Cas, they've made mistakes just like you. Unlike heaven we don't drag this out, we take care of it and move on. Now you're forgiven there isn't one person in this messed up little family of ours who hasn't made a mistake. It's not the end of the world, it's just a learning curve".

Cas rubbed his eyes, " Dean doesn't forgive me", he said sadly. The fact that Dean hadn't hugged him or offered even a word of forgiveness stung worse than being spanked. Bobby sighed, "he does son, Dean's a little upset right now but not with you. You might not believe it but that was harder on him than it was on you".

Cas shook his head not believing Bobby's word. The man gently unbuttoned his shirt, " c'mon let's get you cleaned up and then you can go and hug it out with Dean. I'm sure he needs one as much as you do". He's lifted into the bath and Bobby soaped up a cloth beginning to clean him.

When he's set in the water Cas tenses his breathing speeding up. Memories of the lake and the feeling of going underwater and the panic of drowning fill his mind. Bobby doesn't notice his tension or if he does sums it up to him still sulking.

It's when Bobby shampoos his hair and then gently tips his head back to rinse out the suds that the screams erupt and he thrashes wildly. "Hey hey kid you're ok", he hears a voice drowned by the sound of his own screams. A towel is wrapped around him and he's scooped out of the water cradled to Bobby's chest. Clinging to Bobby, his body shaking, his screams turn to hysterical sobs.

Cas is only vaguely aware of been rocked and shushed, a gentle but gruff voice talking to him telling him to breath " nice deep breaths". He follows the instructions and soft nonsense words are whispered into his hair. His crying eventually turns to whimpers and a slight trembling as he sits in Bobby's laps.

Bobby gently pulls a pair of pyjama bottoms onto him and tugs a pyjama top over his head, dressing him with a gentle ease that speaks of him doing this many times before. The clothing is a little big, Jimmy Novak had never been a large vessel and even in the body of a child Cas is small for his age. The pyjamas are clean and soft, and Cas rubs fingers over the material.

Bobby smiled, " they used to be Dean's", he tells him, "when he was a kiddie off course". Cas nodded, still trailing his fingers over his sleeves. His heart rates calming, the trembling slowly stopping leaving behind embarrassment. " I'm sorry", he said softly.

Bobby frowns, "you had a panic attack", he said, " that's not something you need to apologise for ever". His voice softens, "we all have our trauma son".

There's silence for a few moments before Bobby speaks again, " you wanna talk about it?", he asked. Cas shook his head, Bobby sighed, "you're gonna have to at some time kid, keeping all that bottled up it's not healthy", his tone turned teasing " now I know you see Dean as a role model but that's one lesson you shouldn't follow in his footsteps on, never mind the fact bathing is something you're going to have to do now you're human".

When Cas didn't answer Bobby shook his head, " alright then not tonight", he said. "Cmon it's late, let's go say good night to the boys and then it's bedtime". Cas goes to slip off Bobby's lap but again Bobby scoops him up in his arms. He's about to protest that he can walk and that he's not actually a child but finds he's too tired as he rests his head on Bobby's shoulder stifling a yawn.

Bobby carried him down to the kitchen where Sam was sitting at the table. " Everything okay", asked Sam, "I heard screaming". Bobby was quick to answer, " everything's fine, Cas wasn't a fan of the bath. It seems water may be an issue we need to work on after the lake but he's okay now". Sam came over placing a hand on his back, "shit", he said, "you alright Cas", he asked, Cas buried his face in Bobby's shoulder nodding. He doesn't want to talk about this.

" He's fine Sam", said Bobby, his voice firm saving him from any further questions. "He's just down to say goodnight before he goes to bed, where's Dean?". Sam sighed at the question looking displeased, " he went into town, said not to wait up", he answered.

Bobby rolled his eyes, "of course he did bloody idgit", he snapped. Cas felt tears well as he heard Dean had left sure it was his fault. Bobby sighed, " alright bedtime Cas you can see Dean tomorrow," he said then under his breath and directed to Sam, "hangover and all".

Cas is half asleep as soon as Bobby lays him in his bed. Sam had followed them upstairs softly bidding him goodnight and hovering in the doorway. The blankets are tucked around him and there's a weight on the bed and a hand gently brushes throw his damp hair. Sleep is pulling him under as he hears the soft voices.

" You're good with him Bobby", he hears Sam say. Bobby's voice was quiet "long time since there was a kid around here" he answered "I mean he's not but he is", the old man sighed " he's a good kid too always has been mistakes or not he was one of us and maybe in a way we let him down as much as he let us. I'm not excusing what he did but we were too wrapped up in our life didn't see the boy was in trouble until it was too late", there's another light touch to his hair before the man stood up.

Sam's voice came again, " yeah we're good at that", he said sadly. "Maybe this is a second chance for all of us, not just Cas", there's a pause and then Sam continued "I can't believe you still have our kid clothes", he said his voice soft.

Bobby snorted "I haven't had a chance to clear out these bedrooms with you idgits bringing me some new world-ending crisis every week", he said gruffly. " Doesn't mean I'm some sentimental old fool". The voices are fading and Cas is sleeping peacefully by time the door is gently shut.

Chapter Text

It was late in the morning when Cas woke up. Nightmares had given him a restless night. Both Bobby and Sam had been roused from their beds with the screams during the night and tried to comfort him.

Shame filled him he was behaving like a human infant and causing them to lose sleep. Slipping out of bed he padded to the bathroom to wash up before entering the kitchen.

Sam was sitting at the table on his laptop and  Bobby was washing dishes at the sink. Cas wondered in, "morning", he said hesitantly remembering the human custom. Bobby turned, " Hey kid, you finally decide to join us", he said at the same time as Sam looked up with a smile "Morning Cas". 

Cas looked at their faces. He wasn't an angel any longer but he still had heightened senses he could see and feel the tiredness coming from both of them. " I'm sorry for last night", he said. Bobby waved him off, "you can't control nightmares Cas nothing to apologise for", he said. 

Cas nodded he wanted to argue but there was a finality in Bobby's voice. "Okay", he said quietly. Bobby patted him on back, " let's get you some breakfast", he said. Cas sat at the table as Bobby brought him over a bowl of porridge and a glass of milk thanking the man as he began to eat.

After breakfast Cas hovered in the kitchen. After nearly colliding with him for the fourth time Bobby led him into the living room turning on the tv and showing him how to work the remote. Cas stared at the screen memorised as an episode of looney toons came on. Bobby shook his head chuckling before returning to the kitchen for his fourth cup of coffee.

The peace of the house is disturbed as the door opens and the sound of whistling. "Morning guys", said Dean's voice, sounding jovial. " Dude smell the drink of you", groaned Sam at the same time Bobby spoke, "we tried calling you". Dean chuckled, " chill guys I ran out of bars, any coffee?". 

Bobby grunted, "it's in the pot you know where it is". Dean nodded, " God you guys are pissy today", he commented. Bobby grunted, "are we? I'm sure it's just the lack of sleep we spent most of the night up with Cas having nightmares of course that was after he had a panic attack over having a bath", he said snarkily.

Cas curled up on the settee hearing every word from the kitchen. Bobby sounded angry at Dean and it was because of him. Cas didn't want them fighting over him, he didn't want Dean to be any madder at him.

Dean finished his coffee, " I'm going for a shower", he said shortly. As Dean passed the doorway he glanced in at Cas who stared at the television trying to avoid any eye contact. "You okay Cas?" asked Dean, Cas glanced up briefly nodding. Dean ran his eyes over him, critically his expression unreadable," you sure?" he asked.

Cas looked up at Dean's face. He can see and feel the tiredness coming off Dean. There's sadness too and Cas doesn't know why Dean was sad.  He wished he could touch Dean and heal his hangover the way he used to be able to. He wished he could repair their friendship but it was too late for that. "I'm fine", he said.

Dean nodded another expression in his eyes that Cas couldn't read, " great, everybody's good, everyone's fine", the hunter said, clapping his hands together. "I'm off to shower then", he said, breaking into a cheery whistle as he exited the room. Cas is left confused. Dean isn't feeling happy that is clear but his behaviour suggests he is.

Sam appears giving him a sympathetic smile, " don't worry Cas he's hungover he'll be okay once he has a lot more caffeine", he said. Cas nodded looking at his knees picking at a thread on his pyjama top. Sam was watching him, "hey I have an idea buddy you need some clothes. Go and get dressed and me and you will go into town and get you some stuff and grab some ice cream". 

Cas looked intrigued at the idea of getting out of the house for a while. Sam grinned, "go on go get ready", he said. Cas changed quickly, fumbling with the buttons on his coat and slipping his shoes on. Sam laughed at how eager he was when he entered the kitchen, "c'mere" he said, fixing the buttons on his coat and smoothing his hair down with his hand. "Ok let's go", he said bidding goodbye to Bobby. 

Dean wandered into the kitchen just as they were heading towards the door. "Where are you two heading?", he asked something alarmed in his voice. Sam glanced at him, " shopping", he answered, "Cas needs clothes". Dean looked weary, " is it a good idea to take him out?", he said carefully. Cas felt his excitement fade Dean probably didn't want him alone with Sam he thought miserably.

Sam answered, "Dean we can't keep him locked in the house for a year", he snapped. Dean shook his head, " everything in heaven and hell and in between has a bone to pick with him Sam it's not safe out there". he insisted. Then he sighed, giving in "be careful keep your phone on". He turned his gaze to Cas, " Cas you make sure to listen to Sam and don't be wandering off", he warned his voice sharp.

Cas nodded, surprised Dean was allowing Sam to take him. Sam just rolled eyes, "yes Mother ", he said sarcastically. " and before you ask yes we'll get pie come on Cas", he said, leading him out to the car. Sam helps Cas in and buckles the seat belt around him before starting the car and pulling out of the driveway.

Cas stared out the window as an angel he had found the car slow and tiresome but now he was engrossed in the scenery. There's silence between him and Sam but it's comfortable, unlike the tension he's felt in Bobby's house for the last few days. 

Sam pulls into the shopping mall parking the car. "Hey buddy you ready to go get some clothes '', he said softly pulling Cas out of his thoughts. He nodded and Sam came around to the passenger door opening it and unbuckling his seat belt letting him out. 

The mall was large and noisy despite himself Cas shrunk closer to Sam. Everything seemed louder, brighter and intimidating in his new shrunk vessel. Sam chuckled, reaching down and taking his hand, " c'mon let's go get you some clothes", he said cheerfully. 

Sam spared no expense filling the cart with children's clothes. The younger hunter took great delight at adding in some kid's sized jean's and flannels, "we'll make a mini hunter out of you Cas", he teased. Cas got distracted at the toy sector with a large bee plushie. Sam crouched beside him, " do you want it?", he asked gently. Embarrassment but longing filled Cas he wasn't a child despite appearance he shouldn't want a cuddly toy. 

Sam tossed it in the cart, "we're getting it", he said decisively. After they paid Sam lead them back to the car putting bags inside and helping Cas climb in and fasten his seat belt. "We'll stop for pie for Dean and some ice cream for us on our way home", he said.

Half an hour later Sam and Cas were sitting on a park bench Cas beaming as he ate a strawberry ice cream cone. Sam grinned as he watched him even as he pulled his jacket around him. " It's not the time of year for ice cream", he said, chuckling. Cas didn't agree, thinking to himself the ice cream was the best thing he had ever tasted. As he crunched the last of his cone Sam reached forward cleaning his sticky hands and mouth with a napkin.

The sweet treat had put Cas in such a good mood he didn't even protest being cleaned up like a child. "You need to brush your teeth well when we get in", said Sam. As Sam started explaining about dental hygiene and cavities Cas looked across the park. Three figures were walking down the hill towards them and a feeling of unease filled him. As one lifted their head, panic shot through him at the hideous face and glowing eyes. 

" Sam", he shouted out, halting Sam's lecture on dental care. "Cas, what's wrong?", he asked quickly. Cas pointed, " demons", he stammered. Sam looked to where he was pointing, springing to his feet. "Are you sure can you still see them?", he questioned urgently. 

Cas nodded and squeaked at he was scooped up in Sam's arms and they were running towards where they left the impala. It was too late a popping noise and then they were surrounded. A female and two male demons, Cas squeezed his eyes shut burying his face in Sam's shoulder, never as an angel had the true faces of demons looked so terrifying. " Well well well what do we have here", the female who seemed to be the leader of the group sing-songed. Raw power omitting off her. "Crowley will be pleased, he sent us for the traitor of an angel and we got him one of the notorious Winchester brothers for free". 

One of the males sniggered, " don't look like much of an angel", he said stepping closer. He was immediately backhanded by the female. "Wait your turn", she said, her voice still casual and playful. Sam had freed one hand from around Cas to dig in his pocket in a fruitless attempt for a weapon. " Let us go", the hunter said in a threatening voice. 

The female only laughed, Cas struggled slipping out of Sam's arms to the ground. "Cas", yelled Sam making a grab at him but Cas walked toward demons. Drawing himself up to full height which was still far from intimidating and forcing himself to look them in the face. " Take me",he demanded, "Crowley wants me, let Sam go". 

" Cas, no", yelled Sam again trying to surge forward but the demon raised her hand and the younger Winchester was helpless as his body froze and his voice was silenced. "Please", said Cas desperately, " let him go". The demon smiled, "oh sweetheart", she cooed, in a honey-sweet tone that turned Cas' stomach " off course we'll let him go after we have our fun". 

As she got closer Cas flung himself at her biting and kicking. It was pointless, she laughed, picking him up by the scruff of neck and holding him eye level with her. "Aren't you just adorable", she cooed, and then the ground was approaching fact as she dropped him. Pain exploded as his head hit the ground and everything went black.

Chapter Text

The first sensation Cas felt when he stirred into consciousness was the cold. Pain shot through his head as he raised it, dizziness engulfing him. As his eyes adjusted to the dim light he looked around.

His location appeared to be an outbuilding. There was hay and decomposing animal feed scattered over the ground. The dirty stagnant water in the trough near him and the thick dust and corroding metal on the gates was enough to know the building had been abandoned and unused for quite some time.

Coughing from the dust in the air, Cas struggled to a sitting position. He couldn't move more than that, his hands bound behind him with rope tied to the gate behind him. Choking down the panic he tried to remain calm.

Peering around him again trying to control his breathing and rising heartbeat his eyes caught sight of the figure slumped at other side of the stall. " Sam", he shouted, his voice echoing back. Sam didn't stir, the younger Winchester was slumped against the gate his chin on his chest. His arms were behind him obviously tethered like Cas. "Sam", screamed Cas again dread filling him.

He watched Sam's chest rise and fall, he was alive at least. On instinct, Cas tried to access power tears spilling over in frustrated despair as nothing happened. He was useless and small and because of him, Sam was in danger again. Sam who had been so kind to him today. Any hope of Dean ever truly forgiving him now was gone.

A soft chuckle had the hairs on the back of his neck lifting. " Ahhhh little one why so sad", a silky voice said as the female demon stepped out of the shadows. Fear and repulsion swept over Cas as she stepped closer. He kicked out as she reached her hand out towards his face his foot connecting with her shin and head butting her hand away.

She stepped back chuckling, "my my you're like a little kitten, scratching and hissing", she cooed. " Bite me", snarled Cas, trying to sound like Dean, but his voice and vessel was small and child-like, not at all intimidating and it only earned him a laugh from the demon.

"Get the hell away from him", a voice sounded from opposite Cas. Both Cas and the demon looked around to see Sam awake and glowering. The demon chuckled, " nice of you to wake up to join the party Sam Winchester", she chimed glee making her voice all the more irritating and song-like.

Sam looked completely calm and unbothered, "if you know who I am then you know you don't have a chance of survival", he said. The demon laughed again, " Sorry honey, your big brother isn't going to come sweeping in to save the day. He has no idea you're even missing, does he? and Little Cassie here hasn't got his powers so he's no use to you. Now Crowley just wanted the angel", she said, "to hand him one of the famous Winchester brother's is bound to earn me a promotion from the boss himself".

A gleeful but thoughtful expression washed over the creature's face. "He'll want you alive of course but I'm sure he won't mind a little damage". Footsteps sounded, "wrong", another voice sounded, " what are you doing Bella?".

The demon huffed as the other female walked into sight. Cas and Sam both recognised the second demon just as the first whined, "Cmon Meg you're no fun. I caught them their mine". Meg drew herself up not making eye contact with either Cas or Sam, " We were given orders, one hair on any of their heads is touched and you'll be a stain on the wall. So how about you run along and notify the boss that we have them and I'll babysit".

Meg spared a glance at Cas when the word babysit left her mouth her amusement clear. The other demon glared at her stomping off. Meg circled Cas completely ignoring Sam, "well well Clarence, a little predicament you've gotten yourself into", she purred.

Chapter Text

Cas shrunk under Meg's gaze refusing to speak. Meg chuckled, turning to Sam, "the great Sam Winchester gets himself captured by a low tier demon, with a shrunk powerless angel who last I heard was dead and your older brother isn't here to save your ass'. I sense a story", she chirped.

Sam gave her a scathing look even as he swayed, "still at the bottom tier Meg. Kissing Crowley's ass now doing his dirty work", he retorted. The fleeting annoyance on Meg's face showed Sam's words had hit a nerve.

"Gotta start somewhere", she drawled, "of course when I kill dumbo out there", she indicated where the other demon had exited, "and take all the credit for handing you two over on a golden platter I'll earn a huge promotion from Crowley and be the most respected in his ranks ".

Sam snorted, " Crowley and respect shouldn't be in the same sentence. He's using you and you're too mind wiped to see it. Or are you scared, huh scared of what he might do if you go against him".

"She should be", a familiar drawl sounded as Crowley appeared in front of them.  The demon ran his eyes over Cas his eyes cold. Turning his glare on Meg he spoke, "I asked for one thing", he said, his voice low and dangerous. "I asked for him", he jerked his finger at Cas. " Why you pack of morons decided to bring along Sam Winchester I don't know.".

Turning to Sam Crowley flashed a smile that was all teeth and didn't meet his eyes. "Sorry about this Moose, I've no beef with you honestly I really can't find the staff. Your brothers on the way I called him myself explained my staff's mistake and told him you needed a ride.  No hard feeling, in the meantime I'll just be on my way with the angel, take him off your hands. Your brother was more than agreeable to the terms".

Crowley smirked in Cas' direction as he spoke. Sam struggled against the rope holding him. " Crowley, you son of a bitch", he spat out, "Cas don't…,". He trailed off as Crowley snapped fingers and he fell forward unconscious again. " Much more pleasant company when he's quiet", muttered Crowley. 

The demon stalked toward Cas, his eyes filled with cruel glee. "How the mighty have fallen", he said. Cas cringed back trying to kick out at Crowley as he reached toward him. A slap had his cheek burning and his head snapping back hitting off the iron gate behind him. " Manners", reprimanded Crowley. "Dean was right when he said you were going to be a handful. You need to learn some respect".

Cas gulped pain from the unexpected blow startling him. "You haven't spoken to Dean", he said bravely. Crowley smiled, and Cas glared back, " Dean wouldn't hand me over to you, he said I'm family", he insisted hating the desperation in his voice as doubt crept into his mind.

 Remembering how Dean had been unable to master a word of forgiveness for him the night before and how he had left Bobby's to get drunk not returning all night Cas shuddered. He remembered how against the idea of Sam taking Cas out Dean had been this morning. Dean hadn't wanted him alone with his brother, didn't trust him.

"He wouldn't", he whispered, " you're lying". Crowley chuckled, "You know he did", he said his voice soft. "You broke his brother's mind, and let the leviathans almost destroy the earth. He tried to play the saviour as he does. Then you came back like this. Another burden, someone else for him to take care of. Useless and on top of that he can't even look at you. You repulse him, having you anywhere near his family makes his skin crawl. So he contacted me, made a deal. He'll hand you over in exchange for a truce between me and him, Sam and Bobby. We keep out of each others way and I keep a tighter leash on my demons. It was a win win".

Crowley shot Meg a glare before continuing, " Dean was going to deliver you to me tonight until my staff jumped the gun, going against orders and bringing along Sam Winchester. Nearly destroying the truce but we got it straightened out", he said as Cas' breathing hitched.

Meg snapped back, "our orders were to find Castiel", she began. " there was no mention".... She trailed off as Crowley snapped fingers silencing her much to her outrage. " Bella is no longer with us after challenging me tonight", he said dangerously, "and you you're on thin ice". Reaching down Crowley banished ropes from around Cas' wrists.

Cold and dread washed over Cas freezing him with fear as Crowley lifted him. " Come along now, I've been looking forward to expressing to you my feelings about my business partner double-crossing me", he said. Everything went blank, the last thing Cas was conscience of was the snap of Crowley's fingers and the drop of his stomach as they teleported. 

Chapter Text

Cas was standing in heaven. All around him was the carnage of his brothers and sisters. So many dead, so many lives lost in this pointless war. His body ached, blood seeping from wounds, his vessel too exhausted and weakened to heal. "Brother please, we don't have to do this", he pleaded.

Cruel eyes devoid of pity or emotion bored through him. " You know how to end this Castiel", said Raphael coldly, "surrender and join my cause. You can't beat me, your army isn't strong enough". Straightening despite the pain, Cas gathered his resolve, " I won't allow you to restart the apocalypse", he said. Raphael shrugged, "have it your way", he said walking away.

Panic overwhelmed Cas and he had to get away. It wasn't a conscious thought that took him to his destination, just the need to see him. Invisible he stood watching his friend rake leaves. Dean had an air of sadness that surrounded him but also a look of peace. He had a family, a girlfriend and an adopted son and he was out of the hunting lifestyle. Cas had rescued Sam but the brothers hadn't reunited. He didn't know why but he was steadily ignoring all of Sam's calls. H e had a war to fight, a war he was trying to keep the Winchester boys out of.

Just seeing Dean strengthened his resolve, he had to beat Raphael. After everything Dean had taught him about fighting for the right cause, after everything Dean, Sam Bobby and himself had gone through to prevent the very thing Raphael wanted to start, Cas couldn't allow him to win. He longed to show himself, longed to ask Dean for help. He needed the strength and guidance of his friend but Dean deserved his freedom and Cas couldn't ask him for more, the man had given enough.

A presence appeared beside him and Cas turned to see Crowley. A short conversation later and Cas had made a deal. It didn't sit right with him, it felt wrong, but he was fighting a war, a war that if he lost meant the end of the world. Dean was still raking leaves and Cas watched him for a few moments. Everything was blurring, fading away. Dean was gone, replaced by darkness.

Cas was trapped, panic causing his vessel to nearly hyperventilate as he looked at Bobby and the Winchesters through the ring of holy fire. "I didn't have a choice", he told Dean, trying desperately to make his friend understand. " You did, you just made the wrong one", retorted Dean. "Dammit Cas, we can fix this,'' Dean begged. ''It's not broken", Cas insisted even as he internally begged Dean to help him, to come up with any other solution and to save him from going over the edge but he couldn't get the words out and he could feel their friendship fracture  into unrepairable pieces right there. The darkness was sweeping back in, this time he welcomed it. Dean's face and the anger and disappointment in his eyes and the flickering light of the fire fading away to nothingness.

Cas stares at Balthazar "first Sam and Dean, and now this. I’m doing my best in impossible circumstances. My friends, they abandon me, plot against me. It’s difficult to understand", he said. Balthazar looked at him "Well you’ve - you’ve always got little old me", he said. Cas let out a shaky breath, " you betrayed me", he thought, saying nothing out loud. As he stabbed the angel blade through his brother, regret and grief shadowed him. "Stop me somebody stop me", he thought before the darkness swept in again.

Raphael's dead and the Winchesters are looking at Cas with fear in their eyes. The souls are foreign, alien, his vessel feels strange. When Dean suggests he gives them up he's willing it seems like a good idea. He opens his mouth to agree but instead, he tells Dean no. He declares himself as God and refuses to fix Sam's wall. Why is he doing this, he wonders what's wrong with him? the darkness takes him again.

Dean is helping C as up. "I’m gonna find some way to redeem myself to you", he vowed. Dean winces " all right, well, one thing at a time. Come on. Let’s get you out of here. Come on", he says pulling on him. Something isn't right, Cas tenses, "run", he tells Dean as he fights the Leviathans who have clung on refusing to leave his vessel. He walks into the lake, the cold water sucking him down. He frails, panic overwhelming him, he can't breathe, choking as the water fills his lungs, darkness sweeps in again as he goes under.

His own screams jolt Cas awake. Shivering from the phantom feeling of cold water and the sensation of drowning he whimpered. He can't move, he's strapped down on a table, his hands and ankles cuffed. It's uncomfortably warm and the air is stale. The whole perimeter of the room is barricaded with fire leaving an eerie flickering light in the otherwise dim room. There's screaming and wailing all around him, other figures strapped to tables and dark figures he knows instantly as demons walking around them. Sobs burst from his chest, he knows where he is and there's no getting out, no escape, this is hell.

"Awake I see", said a voice and Crowley comes into his vision. " you might notice I've made some improvements to how things are run around here. We had complaints from our residents; they seemed to feel my employees and myself were being inhumane to them". Crowley pressed a hand to his chest in mock outrage, "me inhumane", he said dramatically. " I couldn't have that on my conscience so you're now in a new and improved hell. No violence, no force, we're all about peacefulness around here now.".

A feeling of fatigue washed over Cas, he fought it staring up at Crowley throw fear filled half-lidded eyes fighting the sensation and the by now familiar darkness that was pulling him under. Crowley walked closer, "you're tired, don't fight it, rest", he said softly. And Cas' eyes slipped shut. " sweet dreams", murmured Crowley chuckling.

Cas is in Bobby's house, Bobby, Dean and Sam are sitting at the table drinking beer. " Hi", he said softly, none of the men seem to notice or hear him. Bobby and Sam look through him both sipping their beer. "Are you sure giving Cas to Crowley was the right thing to do?", Bobby asked Dean. " I don't understand he was family son, how could you do this?". There's no remorse on Dean's face, "he betrayed us, he hurt Sam, he's not family. Just a burden, a burden we don't need". Bobby didn't disagree, only sighing. Sam spoke up, " he's our friend Dean, our family". Dean turned on his brother, "no Sam he's not he hurt you, he almost destroyed the world we've wasted enough time on him I don't want to hear his name again", he said venomously, bitterness lacing his voice, " I hope Crowley's making him regret he ever existed", he spat. Tears sprung to Cas' eyes sinking to the ground, his sobs and agony ignored and unnoticed invisible to his one time friends.

Cas was in a forest, he was being hunted by a dog-like creature black as the night with glowing red eyes. His chest hurt from exertion and terror as he sprinted towards denser cover hoping for a hiding spot among the trees. Tripping over a tree trump he went sprawling to the ground winding himself pain shooting like a lightning through his knees and wrist. Growling and snuffling told him the creature was gaining on him panic blocking out pain as he scrambled to his feet. The pain slowed him down as he stumbled through the forest using the trees as cover.

There were three figures ahead Cas recognising them relief overcoming him. They had come to save him, he knew they would but there was no recognition in their expression as he skidded to a halt in front of them. "Sam", he cried out " help me", he begged. Sam stared off in the distance, his expression blank and no acknowledgement of him even as Cas reached up pulling at his hand. Excited yelping and a hair raising snarling came from the trees as the creature caught his scent. "Bobby", screamed Cas, " please", he begged pulling on the man's belt. Bobby had the same distant look that Sam had, completely unresponsive to Cas' pleas. Why couldn't they see him? what was wrong with them?.

A blur of black came galloping towards him. "Dean", screeched Cas, " I'm sorry help me", relief momentary shot through him as Dean looked down but there was a coldness in his eyes, "why should we help you", the man said dismissively, walking away Bobby and Sam following him. " Please", screamed Cas desperate and terrified but they kept walking not looking back even as with a bloodcurdling growl the creature pounced knocking him to the ground. The smell of pungent breath and the pain of sharp teeth ripping into his skin was the last thing he was aware of. The sickening sounds drowned out by his own screams before the darkness once again crept in.

Chapter Text

Dean slumped over the table, his eyes red-rimmed from exhaustion, a cup of coffee clutched in his white-knuckled grip. Bobby entered the kitchen the old man was equally exhausted, "Sam's asleep", he said gruffly.

Dean nodded, "at least one of us is", he muttered, grateful his brother was at least finally getting some rest. Sam had left the encounter with the demons intact apart from a nasty head wound and a dislocated wrist. The injuries were minor considering their line of work but coupled with Sam being only a month recovered from the trauma of his broken wall and the guilt and fear of losing Cas the youngest Winchester had been close to both mental and physical collapse.

Bobby poured a coffee of his own, easing himself into the chair with a groan. Dean shot him a concerned look, " maybe you should try to get a few hours Bobby", he said pointedly. Bobby scoffed, "couldn't sleep if I tried", he said.

Dean shrugged, " I'm heading out again soon I want you to stay here and keep an eye on Sam", he said. Bobby let out a heavy sigh, "Dean we've searched high and low. We've summoned demons and not one of them have had a way to find Crowley".

Dean felt an angry helplessness wash over him. " So what? we give up?", he demanded loudly. "It's Cas Bobby".

Bobby looked back at him, his expression was as haunted and helpless as Dean's. Seeing his father figure who had always been the calm reassurance Dean needed now as uncertain as he was was finally the last straw and Dean broke.

" I thought I was saving him", he said, his voice hoarse. "When God said he was going to send him to heaven I thought anything was better than that. Then when we got him back I was relieved but I was still so mad over purgatory, over Sam's wall so I pushed him away and I felt so damn guilty over having to punish him but that son of a bitch upstairs would have taken him away from us. I never told him I forgive him, Bobby. He's my best friend, he's family, and even worse he's a little kid now and I never hugged him or told him I still cared or that I forgave him and now Crowley's got him".

Dean wiped at the tears streaming down his face and then there were strong arms around him. With a choked sob he buried his face into his father figure's shoulder. " It wasn't your fault son", said Bobby, "we'll get the tyke back by hell or high water we'll find a way. We don't give up on family".

Through his distress, one of Bobby's words stuck out to Dean. Pulling back Dean gasped, " hell Bobby, we need to find a way into hell. That's where he's taken Cas". Bobby stared back at him before a popping sound had them both startling and spinning to face the grinning demon that had just appeared in Bobby's kitchen.

"Slow on the uptake but you got there", chimed Meg. " Crowley, king of hell, where could he possibly be?". Dean started forward with a growl but Bobby stopped him, "wait let's see what she wants", he cautioned. " Why are you here", he demanded at Meg.

Meg grinned, "I wanted to offer my assistant in getting your angel back. For a price of course". Dean and Bobby shared a wary look, " name your price", said Dean sharply.

Meg shrugged, "protection and somewhere to stay temporarily basically I want out. Crowley it turns out isn't a good employer, shocker I know and he doesn't take kindly to his staff leaving".

Dean nodded, " done", he said, "how do we get Cas?". Meg pulled a seat out, "Simple you distract Crowley, I go in grab Clarence".

Bobby let out a snort, " really it's that easy", he said levelling the demon with a distrustful look. Meg shrugged, "with Crowley out of the way no one else will challenge me".

Dean let out a breath, " does killing him equal out of the way", he ground out his voice dangerous. Meg shrugged, "sure it will but someone else will take over hell, something worse and you'll be declaring war. Better the devil you know".

Bobby interrupted, " if we can trap him in a devil's trap that would buy us time", he suggested. Dean nodded, "yeah but how. He won't come if we contact him".

Bobby looked thoughtful, " what if we made him think we were willing to make a deal for Cas back". Dean shook his head, "we've nothing he wants", he said, shooting the idea down straight away.

Meg interrupted, " maybe not but he would probably find it entertaining to hear you try to bargain with him". Dean scowled, realising how she was right. If Crowley was one thing it was one smug son of a bitch.

"How bad off is Cas", he asked Meg the question that was plaguing him scared of the answer. The look on the usual cocky demon's face made his chest tighten. Meg looked sympathetic and that terrified Dean.

" Not good", she said simply. Anger and terror coursed through Dean. "What has that son of a bitch done to him", he demanded. Meg swallowed, " he's not physically hurt, hells changed Dean a lot".

Dean let out a breath, "so he's not being tortured", he asked. Meg sighed, " oh he's being tortured", she said bluntly. "Crowley has him in a sleep-induced nightmare, he's being tortured by his own mind".

Dean winced knowing only too well that mental torture could do just as much damage as physical after the months of watching Sam fall into madness with his broken wall. " We need to get him out of there", he said sharply.

Bobby nodded, "tell us where to go and we'll drive out as close as we can get", he told Meg. " We'll set up a devil's trap and contact Crowley. If he comes and we get him trapped you get in and grab the kid and bring him back out pronto".

The planning was interrupted by the crash of the kitchen door opening with enough force to hit the wall. "What the hell is she doing here?", demanded Sam. The younger Winchester was still pale and unsteady but his face was full of anger and he clutched a blade tightly in his right hand which was trained on Meg.

" Sam don't", Dean intervened loudly, holding his hand up. "Crowley has Cas in hell, Meg's going to get him". Sam looked confused and wary as Dean explained the situation in a quick recap impatient to get going.

" I'm coming", said his younger brother. Dean shook his head, "no you're not", he snapped. As Sam went to argue all Dean's patience left. " You're not coming Sam, you can barely stand. Stay here if this works we'll be back by tonight". Dean glared Sam down, not willing to change his mind. It was bad enough having his best friend kidnapped and in danger, he wasn't risking his brother getting further hurt if things went wrong with the rescue attempt.

Sam gave in begrudgingly and Bobby, Dean and Meg hurried out to the car. "Where to Meg?", asked Dean impatiently. Meg considered before answering, " the barn, where he took Clarence from, go there".

Dean nodded, starting the car. The journey was quiet with no one speaking. As soon as they reached the barn Dean and Bobby grabbed the supplies from the trunk. As they entered the barn, they wasted no time beginning the devil's trap.

Meg watched them, her gaze unnerving as they worked. Dean pulled his phone out when it was done sending a short message to Crowley. Walking out to the car he grabbed a phone from the glove box tossing it to Meg. "Alright get out of here", he said shortly, " we'll contact you if it works and you go in and grab the kid".

Meg nodded and with a click of her fingers the demon was gone. Dean let out a sigh pacing restlessly. "Hang in there Cas, we're going to bring you home buddy", he prayed helplessly even though his friend could no longer hear prayers the habit was ingrained.

Chapter Text

Cas' screams echo as he struggles frantically to escape the straps that hold him down. He screams Dean and Sam's names, choking on fear and tears. "Father please", he begs turning to prayer.

" Enough", a cold voice chastised him as a figure stepped out of the shadows. It's Dean but his eyes are blank and emotionless. "I came here to say this once and once only so listen up Cas. No one's going to save you, did you think we were going to play happy families after what you did. You belong right here where you can't hurt anyone else".

Dean walked away, and as Cas watched him leave all the fight drains out of his body. There's nothing except for the screams of all of the sleeping tortured souls around him and his own tearing sobs.

Another figure walks out of the shadows, he's familiar but it doesn't bring Cas any comfort, he doesn't feel any hope, just guilt.

The figure watches him, and finally, Cas speaks. His voice whispered through the tears, "I'm sorry Balthazar", it's not a plea for help or mercy, just a sincere apology, for killing his brother and his most loyal friend.

Balthazar stepped closer, " you killed me Castiel and because of you heaven may never recover. I can't forgive you for that. Your actions are unredeemable". Cas swallowed, "I had to stop Raphael", he tried to justify.

Balthazar's eyes turned dark and he strode forward. Cas flinched as his brother slammed his hand down on the table. " Enough excuses", thundered Balthazar anger twisting his face as Cas cowered. "Raphael was never the problem, if we had followed Raphael heaven wouldn't be broken. It was you, you were the enemy all along Castiel and we blindly followed you". Cas' chest ached at his brother's words. Balthazar gave him one last disgusted look before walking away.

More figures come from the shadows prowling towards him. It's Sam and Bobby this time, Sam's clutching his head, his walk staggering. " Please Cas, fix me", he croaks, his eyes panicked and disoriented, "you did this to me fix it".

Bobby appears to Sam's left, the man clutching his chest, dark red blood trailing forming a puddle by his feet. " They almost killed me", he said conversationally, "the leviathans, you let them out, you need to fix this son". he said calmly before dropping to the floor motionless.

Sam moves closer his face-melting, the skin peeling off and his eyes black. As he gets closer, his mouth opens revealing sharp teeth and Cas screams. Just as the creature that used to be Sam reached out to touch him there was a blur of light.

The demon Meg appeared throwing herself at the creature and yanking him away from Cas. The two circle each other Meg keeping herself between Cas and the creature. " It's not real Clarance", she yelled at him, " snap out of it, it's all in your head".

She punched at the creature, "look", she insisted, as her fist went through it as if the creature was thin air. " Crowley's playing with you, this is all in your mind. It's not real, you can make it stop, tell yourself it's not real Clarence".

Cas pressed his eyes shut as the tears flooded down his face. "It's not real, it's not real", he whimpered to himself. " Good boy", said Meg, her voice soft, "open your eyes and see". Cas opened his eyes and it was just Meg.

The demon crossed over to him unbuckling the straps that held him down. "C'mon", she mumbled, scooping him up into her arms. We need to get out of here".

Cas buried his face into her shoulder, crying softly. The fear and trauma of the last three days catching up and overwhelming him. "Why are you helping me?", he asked, then fear gripped him, " are you real?", he sobbed.

Meg held him close as she walked confidently across the floor her glare enough to keep the dark shadows back as she rubbed his back. "Shush", she soothed, " yes I'm real. You're going to be ok, the boys are waiting on us hold on to me". Meg clicked her fingers and the flickering flames and stale air was replaced by a familiar dimly lit barn.

Cas flinched at the sound of loud voices trembling as he looked timidly around. Crowley was trapped in a devil's trap and an outraged Dean Winchester was pummeling the demon. Crowley's face was bloody and bruised, as he cowered at Dean's feet. "How do you like it you son of a bitch", yelled Dean, " huh want to pick on a child why don't you take me on", he demanded landing a vicious kick to the demon's ribs.

Crowley doubled over coughing and spluttering face turning red as he hacked. Dean pulled a blade from his pocket. "Dean enough come on son that's enough", said Bobby loudly.

Dean looked up, catching sight of Cas in Meg's arms. Hopping out of the devil trap he shot Crowley a glare. "Might be a long time before help comes", he drawled as he walked away leaving the demon trapped and winded.

As Dean made a beeline towards them Cas whimpered recoiling and clinging to Meg burying his face into her shoulder. Dean hesitated at his reactions and exchanged a look with Bobby who was watching. "Let's get out of here and get him home", the older man said simply.

A voice sounded from the devil trap where Crowley had dragged himself back to his feet. "Guess God didn't approve of our agreement Dean", said the demon, his voice gleeful at the look of confusion on Dean's face. " Wasn't on your contract, you're stuck with the brat now, no trades allowed".

Dean sprung towards the demon with an enraged shout that had Cas cowering against Meg. "You son of a bitch", he bellowed just as Bobby moved quickly to block him. " Leave him", growled the older man, "we've more important things to do right now like getting this one home", he said, nodding his head towards Cas still hiding in Meg's neck and giving Dean a meaningful look.

Dean throw Crowley one last hateful look before storming towards the door of the barn his face set and shoulders tense. " Yeah let's go", he muttered.

When they got to the car Meg tried to untangle Cas to no avail, the demon giving up with a grumble and sliding into the back seat with him in her lap.

"You ok with him", asked Dean, Meg snorted, " not like I have a choice", she chimed. Despite her sarcastic words Meg's hand still rubbed gently up and down Cas' back, the soothing motion hadn't stopped since she'd first picked him up in hell.

Dean started the car hesitating for a moment as he glanced over his shoulder. "Meg, thanks", he said, finally rushing over his words, "We owe you one". Meg smirked saying nothing and Dean sighed starting the car, "let's go home", he said quietly.