Chapter Text
Fischl: The hour draws nigh when the Prinzessin shall punish sinners and drink of their anguish. Mask upon mask avails not when duty requires one to pierce to agonizing truths. Soon shall one return crowned in glory!
Kaeya: ...just what have you been up to, young lady?
Rosaria: Oz?
Oz: Alas, I cannot say, dear Sister
Fischl: heehee
Fischl: that is to say… all shall reveal itself soon
Kaeya: hmm
Kaeya: does this have something to do with that harbinger?
Fischl: If you speak of the knight of abyssal waters, tread carefully. For he is one’s boon companion.
Chenqiu: that doesn’t actually answer the question
Oz: Our Snezhnayan friend has been perfectly pleasant
Chenqiu: …
Chenqiu: still not an answer
Bennett: I’m worried 🙁
Fischl: Be at ease, bearer of the cursed wheel. For I, Fischl, am the omniscient and eminent judge of all misfortunes. No calamity shall befall me when I have already seen every warp and thread of fate’s tapestry.
Kazuha is now online
Kazuha: Fischl, your baby birds are doing well
Kazuha: Bennett, Razor wants to know when you’ll be in his forest again
Kazuha: Rosaria, I got these cigarettes off some Fatui scum, do you want them?
Kaeya: fatui scum?
Kaeya: ...have you been spending time with Hunter?
Bennett: oh right i was supposed to meet Razor
Rosaria: they’re not snezhnayan are they?
Rosaria: those are like smoking tar
Kazuha: don’t think so
Kazuha: the package is green
Kazuha: do they have green in snezhaya?
Childe: wait. was he blond?
Childe: scar on one cheek?
Kazuha: oh, you’re still here
Hunter is now online.
Childe: But of course. we’ve yet to have a go
Childe: not for arkadi’s sake though
Childe: fuck that guy
Kaeya: Oho, my answer appears
Rosaria: sounds like those weak Sumeru smokes
Kazuha: so that’s a no?
Rosaria: I’ll take them
Rosaria: better than nothing
Hunter replying to Kaeya : fuck off
Hunter: hey fatui scum
Hunter: don’t you have better things to do?
Childe: what could be more useful than feeling out the enemy?
Childe: that’s why you’re here, isn’t it?
Bennett: guys…
Rosaria: yes, yes, don’t fight. We know
Fischl: Parting is sweet sorrow, but one may no longer tarry. As this world’s reckoning of time is fleeting upon the frigid glass of the cosmos’ clocktower, I must hasten to deliver judgment upon the spiderweb.
Fischl: If the fates spare thee from the shadow of perdition, then we shall meet again soon.
Childe: Have fun, Princess!
Fischl has gone offline
Childe: you know, you talk a big game ‘Hunter’
Childe: but you sure like hiding behind masks too, don’t you
Childe: More of a sneak than a warrior. too scared to put your blade to the test?
Kaeya: ah so you haven’t met
Childe: you seem so sure of that
Sucrose is now online.
Kaeya: i’m pretty sneaky myself
Hunter: shut it, Alberich
Childe: Aha, so rivalry exists here too! Will we yet smell blood on the fair winds of Mondstat?
Hunter: Would you like to hear what I did to the last fatui scum to put his hands on Mondstadt children?
Sucrose: would you two kindly SHUT THE FUCK UP
Sucrose: before i shove bombs down your throats
Childe: first of all, that’s sick, Hunter, i’d never hurt a kid
Childe: second, holy shit
Sucrose: measure your penises on your own time
Sucrose: i’ve got actual business here
Hunter: ...when did she show up?
Kaeya: uh
Kaeya: does Sucrose know she has a bad impersonator?
Rosaria: no that’s her
Rosaria: and she’s been up since the crack of fucking dawn
Rosaria: despite that bad omen
Rosaria: i am now wiping a tear of pride from my eye
Rosaria replying to Sucrose : you did good, honey
Sucrose: don’t patronize me, bitch
Sucrose: i have been up since noon yesterday
Sucrose: I do not have the patience for this shit
Rosaria: oh
Rosaria: huh
Childe: oh my god this is the best day of my life
Bennett: 😳
Sucrose: now shut up and go fetch me three samples of cor lapis and fifteen boar tusks
Sucrose.: … fuck. make that sixteen boar tusks
Kaeya: and what exactly will you be paying for it?
Sucrose: scientific advancement for the whole city
Sucrose: and filthy mora, since that’s what it takes for you ingrates
Childe: you know, you remind me of some of the artificers back home
Childe: the best ones
Sucrose: is that getting me tusks?
Sucrose: oh look its not. so either get some or stfu
Childe: nah, think i’ll stick around
Childe: talk to you more
Sucrose: whatever. im going to get some more mfking coffee
Sucrose has gone offline
Childe: dammit i wanted my own personal bomb threat
Kaeya: hunter
Hunter: what
Kaeya: i don’t think you’ll need to worry about childe anymore
Childe: hey. I think i’ve got a chance
Bennett: chance?
Bennett: should I leave the chat so I don’t ruin it?
Kazuha: don’t, bennett. Your presences adds sweetness to an often bitter tableau
Bennet: aw thanks
Hunter replying to Childe: heh
Childe: you got something you want to say Hunter?
Hunter: welcome to the guildchat, fatui scum
Hunter: i’m going to enjoy this
Childe: bring it
Hu Tao has been added to the chat
Hu Tao: Hello everyone!
Hu Tao: What’s this???
Hu Tao: Hunter! Childe!
Hu Tao : a duel before making your funeral arrangements would be a grave mistake
Hu Tao: I’m here to offer my assistance! to the very end, hehe
Chenqiu: hi Hu Tao! You made it in again
Hu Tao: You got it! Expert at crossing borders, that’s me!
Paimon: wow you guys talk a lot
Bennett: it’s guild business though
Bennett: wait, is it?
Hu Tao: Ayah, don’t worry about it! Relaxing is part of business too, right?
Paimon: yeah!
Bennett: I never thought of that! Great!
Kaeya: wow
Kaeya: she is truly evil
Hunter: hu tao, how are you getting in here if lan didn’t give you a device
Hunter: this is a serious question
Childe: why yes it is
Childe: i too would like this answer and I’ll pay you a lot if you tell me but not him
Hu Tao: That’s a trade secret ~!
Hu Tao: Passed down from generation to generation at the Wangshen Funeral Parlour
Hu Tao: are you sure you can afford it?
Rosaria : oh shit
Kaeya: welp
Childe: oh yes.
Childe: I can.
Childe: way more than this asshole
Hunter is typing...
Paimon: uh oh
Hunter is typing...
Kaeya: time to throw myself on the bomb
Kaeya: give my love to klee
Hunter is typing...
Kaeya : Sucrose! Sucrose! Sucrose!
Sucrose is now online.
Sucrose: kaeya, this had better be good
Sucrose: ...what is with this goddamn penis measuring?
Sucrose: do any of you have my 18 boar tusks and 4 cor lapis?
Sucrose: no
Sucrose: have any of you even accepted the commission
Sucrose: also no
Sucrose: why the hell would you waste my time by calling me here to look at all this posturing from these pieces of primitive bioalchemy gone wrong
Kaeya: sorry
Kaeya: i fucked up
Kaeya: please don’t kill me
Sucrose: you are a fucking asshole kaeya and I hope your dead fox chokes you
Sucrose has gone offline
Chenqiu: wow
Chenqiu: she does encores
Paimon: Paimon’s scared now
Hunter: ...thanks kaeya
Kaeya: you owe me one
Childe: i
Childe: gotta go
Childe has gone offline
Kazuha: I think I too shall go
Kazuha: 18 boar tusks and 4 cor lapis?
Kazuha: i’ll make it 20 & 5
Kazuha has gone offline
Hu Tao: Olah! silly boars should learn to speak hilichurl
Paimon: Paimon doesn’t think they’d have much to say
Hu Tao: I only need them to listen
Chenqiu: I see, an untapped market
Hu Tao: Hehe, you know me so well
Rosaria: What will they pay with, pinecones?
Hu Tao: pretty sure the disposal will pay for itself
Paimon: Ooh, ooh! Paimon volunteers!
Paimon: extra fancy burial in Paimon’s belly. with lots of sauce!
Guild_Master is now online
Guild_Master: how the hell does the pest keep getting in here?
Guild_Master: for the last time
Guild_Master: we don’t want any. stop distracting the gild from SWORDS
Hu Tao: hey I’m offering an essential service
Hu Tao: this is my responsibility as heir to the Wangsheng Funeral Parlour, and guardian of the border
Hu Tao: see
Guild_Master has kicked Hu Tao from the chat
Chenqiu: Ah, Hu Tao, if only you knew how to choose your time...
Guild_Master: bla bla blah good riddance
Guild_Master: but someone keeps letting her in
Paimon: not us!
Paimon: we’re doing big important commissions for cloud retainer
Chenqiu: you seem to be spending a lot of time here though
Paimon: Mount Aozang is booooring
Paimon: don’t take the amber, Paimon! don’t put that in your mouth, Paimon!
Guild_Master: cinque
Guild_Master: its u isnt it
Chenqiu is typing...
Guild_Master: u all keep treatin this chat as play time
Guild_Master: its not
Guild_Master: also rule 2 bitch
Chenqiu is typing…
Kaeya: I don’t think even Sucrose can stop him
Kaeya: sorry lan, you’re on your own
Sucrose is now online
Kaeya: oh shit sorry Sucrose
Sucrose: die
Sucrose has gone offline
Chenqiu is typing…
Rosaria: wait. since when does Lan actually know guild rules
Rosaria: much less care about them
Guild_Master: K’s busy
Guild_Master: helpin the sys ad with that blk sky punk
Guild_Master: im not happy about this either
Chenqiu: Me? How can you even think such a thing? I’m very conscious of my privilege in joining this space and I wouldn’t dream of violating our revered guildmaster’s rulings. The very idea is repellant to the idea of chivalry, where we perform good acts to help those in need. While some might say Hu Tao indeed needs such a social outlet as this place could provide, it is not for me to decide if she’s welcome or not. I know that I’m but a guest here myself, and it would corrupt my aims in promoting chivalrous behavior for me to so disrespect the rules of this august organization I’ve been allowed to contribute to. It is my deepest hope, nay, dream that one day we can all join hands on an adventure that will become a legend retold decades, even centuries in the future. But if in some way I’ve given cause for offense, only tell me where and I’ll rectify the situation. As for our funeral director, she has already passed beyond our reach here, so it seems pointless to occupy ourselves with the hows and wherefores of her prior access, don’t you think?
Rosaria: wow. I think that was worse than fischl
Rosaria: I don’t know whether to clap or cry
Guild_Master: …
Guild_Master: no way in fk am i reading that
Bennett: hey just fished my gadget out of the whopperflower pit
Bennett: what i miss?
Guild_Master: fine
Guild_Master: this time
Guild_Master: but keep it up im gonna put yanfei on retainer
Chenqiu: I will certainly keep that in mind.
Bennett: ok glad everything is ok
Bennett: hey where’d hu tao go?
Guild_Master: >:(
Guild_Master: benet
Bennett: yea?
Guild_Master: did u lose ur device anywhere
Bennett: um
Bennett: kinda?
Rosaria: where hasn’t he?
Bennett: but i get it back! and its still working i promise
Guild_Master: …
Guild_Master: rite. gonna talk to K
Guild_Master: that plague better not be here when i get back
Guild_Master has gone offline
Hunter: i don’t know how a text conversation can be so genuinely exhausting
Kaeya: maybe try sleeping more
Hunter: not while there are so many insects to squash
Bennett: what kind of insects?
Kaeya: come on, man
Kaeya: organize your life better
Kaeya: or let somebody else
Kaeya: like you used to
Hunter: don’t you dare
Kaeya: doesn’t have to be the same person
Kaeya: but for fuck’s sake
Kaeya: you’re starting to worry me
Hunter: yeah
Hunter: well
Hunter: just think about the things that make you laugh
Hunter has gone offline.
Bennett: um
Bennett: guys…
Bennett: nvm i guess
Rosaria: bennett
Bennett: yes?
Rosaria: do not grow up to be like those two
Rosaria: I forbid it