Chapter Text
Liona made a pleasant gurgling sound when she heard Kaz’s voice again, deep chocolate eyes opening, brow furrowing. Inej pulled her out of the sling and rubbed the baby’s chest with one hand as she held her with the other. She knocked on the door with a knee as she bounced the little one up and down.
Kaz, of all people, was the one who let her in, with what looked like a formula bottle in hand.
“Apparently Alys has a recipe of how to make regular goat milk soft enough for human babies,” Kaz explained as he held out his hands. For some reason, Inej saw the smallest amount of tenseness eased in his shoulders when he had Liona in his arms again. She was crying loudly now, so he pressed the bottle into her tiny hands, the tip going to her searching mouth. Inej watched with a smile until Wylan and Jesper appeared from the second floor.
“Inej!” they greeted each other in unison, hugging her tightly.
“Wylan! Jesper! It's so good to see you,” she grinned into their arms.
“It was a long three months,” Wylan admitted.
“You have to come by more often.” Jesper accused affectionately. He gestured at Liona. “Not just when you become a mother!”
Her face hurt from smiling as she leaned over and kissed his cheek. “Promise.”
Jesper stretched out his arms and hooked one with his partner and one with Inej.
“We’ve got plenty for the baby,” he declared. “Let's go.”
“How’s managing the Crow Club going?” Inej asked. Wylan clucked his tongue.
“I'm staying away from the tables, darling, promise.” Jesper winked with a genuine smile. “Dunno where’d I’d be living if I didn’t.”
“A wonderful question.” Wylan replied, kissing the sharpshooter delicately. He turned to Inej with a smile. “Don’t worry about him, Inej. Kaz has got people watching just in case.”
Jesper groaned. “I haven’t touched a table in years. Those poor lads have the dullest jobs in the Barrel.”
The three of them continued to banter as they walked up the stairs. Inej was smiling more than she had in weeks.
Liona made a cheerful noise and stuck out her tongue at Kaz. With the others up ahead and faced away from him, he returned the gesture. Babies were strange. Her face contorted in what could've been a smile, but he knew that newborns couldn’t do that. Still, it made his heart feel a bit warmer.
Inej was picking out clothing up ahead, going through Lizbet’s old outfits with Wylan at her side. Jesper hung back and grinned at the little one in Kaz’s arms.
“She looks like Lio,” he said in a bittersweet tone. Kaz watched her huge brown eyes take in the new person before her.
“Like her ma, too.” he said quietly, thinking of Willa’s kind expression before her death, when she whispered secrets into Liona’s ear. Maybe she’d known she wasn’t going to make it. Maybe she’d said goodbye while she still could.
“Inej is her ma, now, you know,” Jesper said thoughtfully. He offered the baby a finger and she grabbed at it. “And you're her da. Even if you two aren’t sure about it yet, Liona sure is.”
Kaz wondered if Inej felt like Liona’s mother. If he even felt like Liona’s father.
“I never thought children was something I wanted,” Kaz said. Would the rasp of his voice be bad for the ears of a baby? What about his nightmares? Would he freeze up and drop her, drown in the corpses again? Would he be a bad caregiver?
Jesper smiled. “Do you want to be her dad?”
He thought about it.
He pictured a toddler running through the streets of Ketterdam, knives in one hand. He pictured her holding Inej’s hand as they leapt over rooftops. He imagined how she would look as she fell asleep, the braids he would learn to make for her while her ma was hunting. Her big brown eyes. Her small hand in his.
“I do.” he said eventually, after the pictures had faded. Jesper shrugged. “Then there you go.”
Kaz looked at him. “Have we gotten old?”
He snorted. “Old. If that's what therapy and parenthood makes us.”
“And marriage,” Kaz added with a crooked smile. Jesper shrugged again slyly. “We’ll see.”
~~~
Inej wrote down Alys’s formula recipe, along with a few other tips she’d sent over in her extremely hasty reply to her stepsons letter. Then, she and Kaz said goodbye to their best friends, kissed Marya on their way out, and exchanged knowing smiles with Jesper before the door closed. From there they walked, step in step, all the way back to the Barrel. It was slightly tedious, but for once the stars in the sky were visible, and they looked quite nice. The sighs that Liona made in her sleep made it all the better.
“So, we are her parents, then?” Inej asked after a long period of silence. Kaz turned his head to the side and gave her a little nod, fire lighting in his eyes. They reflected off of the leather of his hands, still holding Liona closely to his heart.
“Do you remember,” he said softly. “The first time I asked you to stay with me?”
“It used to keep me up at night,” she replied, wondering why he was asking.
“I just wish those versions of us could see us now,” he admitted with a small exhale through his nose. “I wonder what they would think.”
“You’ve always been trapped in the past, Kaz.” Inej said gently. He didn’t deny it. She watched his face as they walked. Darkness didn’t seem to draw towards him like it used to. It surrounded him, but he kept it at bay. And she was the only one who would ever see him like this. The thought made her chest expand, that he trusted her enough for it.
“The truth is that they’re gone. That us. Now we’re here, like this.” She laid a hand on his arm.
He almost shrugged. “You’re right. They are gone. I don’t mind, though.”
Inej laughed. “Me neither.”
The lights of the Crow Club stood out in the poorly lit street. The Slat, while considerably smaller, didn’t look any less lively either.
She took a deep breath and lowered her eyes to the baby in his arms. Her daughter.
He passed her over when they reached home.
“I’ve got business. Take her to bed, I’ll be there soon.” he leaned down in an invitation. She placed two fingers against his lips lightly with her free hand. “Do you need backup?”
He shook his head. “Its to make arrangements for Lio and Willa. Then to go after the people who killed them. Take her to bed, Inej, please.”
This time she grabbed the front of his coat so he kissed her. He dipped down to press his lips to Liona’s forehead as well and then was gone.
Inej clucked her tongue. He was getting better at that.
“What do you say we go to sleep, little one?” she whispered to the baby. Liona waved her fists around in response.
“She’s quiet, that one.” Anika mentioned as they walked by a table she was drifting around. “Watches everything, too, I can see. Takes after her ma, I suppose?”
Inej shrugged. “I didn’t really know Willa, so..”
Anika rolled her eyes and barked a laugh. “Inej, I meant you.”
“Oh.” she tried to contain the smile that suddenly wanted to break across her face, and failed. “Thanks for that.”
Anika clapped her on the shoulder lightly and slunk away. A few pairs of eyes followed her. Inej assumed it was because they were impressed she was allowed to touch the legendary Wraith and walk away with her knees unbroken.
I suppose I have developed a reputation , Inej thought with some pride as she pushed open the door to Kaz’s bedroom. A few Dregs entered, carrying the crate of supplies they’d picked up from the Van Eck manor. Inej deposited Liona into the new crib and vowed to paint it a sweeter shade of brown. Maybe she could get Mayra to help with it. The wood could use a few flowers.
Once her child was breathing evenly in the soft sheets, Inej sat at the windowsill, rocking the crib slightly with one hand. Tiredness had begun to sink in, but she wanted to watch the sky a while longer. It was one of her favourite things about being on the ocean.
With a twinge of guilt, she glanced at Liona’s sleeping face, illuminated in the moonlight. Eventually, she would return to her ship. She knew Kaz wouldn’t hold her in any amount of resentment but she also knew that inevitably, she would leave the baby in Ketterdam. Her work bringing all those terrible people to justice was far from over, and she knew that Kaz expected nothing less of her, would not pressure her to stay, even if they now had a child. But she would have something new to miss when she was gone.
For a moment, just a fleeting one, she wondered if she could take Liona and Kaz with her. But Kaz Brekker would never leave Ketterdam. Dirtyhands certainly wasn’t going to.
She ran a hand through her hair. Maybe they should have thought this through a bit more.
But then she looked at Liona again, and she could never regret anything that had to do with that perfect, innocent little human.
“We’ll be alright, won’t we, Liona?” she asked in a whisper. The baby opened her eyes and Inej’s heart grew in her chest. In the little one’s eyes she could see love, clear as the sharpest knife or shadow that Inej ever slunk through. She scooped the baby up and carried her to the bed.
“I know you should sleep in your crib.” she rocked her daughter. “But another night with me won’t hurt.”
Liona cooed in agreement, her tongue sticking out. Inej brushed some dark curls from the baby’s forehead and lay down beside her small body, kissing her temple before drifting off into sleep herself.
~~~
---------------- heres where the paralysis / flashback ptsd episode occurs, skip to the next bolded line if its not for you :] ----------------
Kaz silently slipped into the room at half-past two bells, moving as quietly as possible around the space as he dropped his coat and peeled off his gloves. He heard a small whimper and whirled around to see Inej clutching the sheets of the bed, her forehead sweaty.
She began to thrash, whispering indistinctly. Kaz swore.
A nightmare.
For a moment he paused. It’d been so long. Then the sight of their baby crying in fear spurred him into their old routine of lighting the lamp, drawing the curtains, triple checking to make sure the door was locked.
He supposed it made sense. The stress of Liona’s arrival, the worry of a new parent. No doubt she was thinking of the future, and that had pulled her into the pain of the past.
First he picked up the baby, hushing her until her cries subsided. He placed her in the crib gently before carefully crouching at Inej’s side. Her knuckles were white from gripping the bedsheets so tightly. Her throat contracted and she bared her teeth as tears streamed down her cheeks. She choked back a sob and whispered a small, tired no under her breath. The sight made his chest ache painfully.
“Inej,” he tried softly. “Inej,” he wanted to see if she could respond at all.
She only whimpered again, lip curling. Her body seized up. Beads of sweat shone on her forehead.
Kaz tried to remember how he would help her when the memories got this bad. Usually they were late at night, usually they were when they hadn’t seen each other very often during the day or months at a time.
She grabbed his wrist from where it was laying limply on the mattress. The suddenness of it almost made him stop breathing, but he got a handle on it quickly. She tapped his pulse frantically in one of the many codes they’d made after starting a relationship. This one meant awake, can’t move. Oh. Okay. He knew how to do this one.
He got into bed beside her and rested his head near her cheek, where she could clearly hear him. Her fingers were still wrapped around his wrist rather tightly.
“I’m here, Inej.” he said calmly. “Go on. Count. Good, now your heartbeat. Count with me, one, two, three. Good? Okay. Make a fist. Good. Okay, now drop it. You know how.”
She trembled for a long moment, and then, to his relief, her hand released the bedsheets.
She sat up with a sharp inhale, clutching her chest through her tunic. Her breathing came in gasps as she tried to steady herself. Then she curled into a ball and hid her face in her elbows.
“Fuck,” she whispered, her voice muffled by her arms.
“Where were you?” he made sure his voice came out as quiet as he could make it.
“ There ,” she gasped. The Menagerie.
Fury boiled in Kaz’s chest. He remembered them tracking down many of Inej’s clients . How they’d broken their legs and then their necks.
He held out a hand. An invitation.
She nodded and he wrapped his arms around her from behind. The shiver that passed through him barely registered. It would always be there. Nothing to be scared of, on most days. Not with her. Not anymore.
He pressed small kisses into the softness where her neck met her shoulder. She was warm, the rise and fall of her chest reverberating through her entire body. She touched her fingers to where his hands were clasped around her waist.
“Go on.”
Finish the story.
“I vanished, didn’t I?” she asked hoarsely.
“You didn’t go anywhere.” he reassured her. “You’re right here.”
“I feel like I vanished again.” her words were faint. Her lips met one of his forearms in the spot where it crossed over her.
He stayed quiet. The sweat beading her neck shone in the reflection of the moon through the glass pane in the window. Liona slept contently in the crib, rocking slightly.
---------------- heres where it ends ! back to fluff now :] ----------------
“Come here.” he told her, laying down again. She followed his lead. Their fingers were twined together as their chests rose and fell in unison.
“Everything that happened to you.” Kaz murmured, a familiar phrase. Zue had taught it to them, months ago. A kind of reassurance.
A small flash of recognition in her eyes. He smiled, gentle and small, in encouragement.
“They’re scars now. Just scars. Scary sometimes, but they’ll always be there.” she’d told him many times before. She told herself every day.
“They’ll always be there.” he repeated quietly. He traced over her palm. She drew closer to him.
They’d never been good with words. It’d been so big when he’d finally told her that he loved her. So big when she told him that she was ready to be more. Now they were extensions of each other, so much so that it felt almost natural to touch, to feel.
He dropped her hand and she frowned. “Too much?”
He shook his head and rolled away.
“Not in the slightest.” he gave her another small smile. “I’m just getting Liona.”
The little one was completely asleep, but he crawled back into bed with her. She clutched a piece of his shirt and he splayed his fingers out across her back as he lay down against the pillows. She snuggled into him comfortably. Inej, on her stomach as well, held out a finger for the baby to latch onto with her other fist.
Kaz leaned back against the mattress with his eyes closed. Inej scooted closer and watched Liona breathe evenly.
“She's so small,” Inej remarked. “I can’t even imagine her getting bigger.”
“There’s a possibility one day we’ll miss when she was this small,” he answered with a sigh. The thought made Inej smile. He really was serious about this. About raising a baby with her.
They fell into silence.
“Kaz.” she said quietly, after a while. “I’m staying for now, but..”
“But there’s work out there that you left unfinished. I know.”
She bit her lip. “I love you.”
He opened his eyes and took her hand again. He brought it up to his face and pressed it to his lips, all the while Inej watching with some amount of wonder. It still amazed her how far they’d come.
When he spoke again, he made sure that he met her eyes intensely.
“I will never make you stay here. Not when you need to be somewhere else. Not when there are people in the world that could hurt her.”
She stroked her baby’s cheek. “I don’t want to miss her life.” she looked back up to him.
His face still looked soft, under the scars and the roughness. Still somehow like a boy's. She touched it, his hand slipping down to her wrist to circle the empty space of the tattoo that used to linger there with his thumb.
“You won’t.” he said softly. “And when you aren’t here, I’ll make sure she’s safe. I’ll write to you every day about her. I promise you.”
It felt a lot like the first night they’d met, with the words and the intentions. It felt a lot like the first time Inej had departed on the Wraith, when he’d looked at her until she’d faded into a speck on the horizon and she had begged him to give her a reason to stay longer. All he had done was touch her cheek, brush away some loose hair and tears, and make promises that he’d kept and wish that he could do for her what she wanted.
So different, she remarked. So the same.
And the three of them lay in the bed until sunrise, and then they got up and they went on. But something had been created. A family, maybe. A promise, to become one, at least.