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CONFIDENTIAL / CLASSIFIED L6 / DO NOT COPY
The following personnel file and all transcripts, appendices, and associated miscellany are classified for reasons of national security. Access limited to SHIELD clearance L6 or above.

A redacted version of this file is available to SHIELD agents L4 and above. To request access to the redacted file, please contact [email protected]. Allow 4-6 months for approval and confirmation of clearance.

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Dr. RAYNOR, Christina A.
Patient: Sgt. BARNES, James B. — DOB 03/10/1917

Session One
Conducted by Dr. Christina A. Raynor
10:30 AM, February 16, 2024
Unit #124, 325 West 27th Street, New York City, NY, United States of America, Earth

Transcript of recording as follows:

DR. CHRISTINA RAYNOR: —recording now. Dr. Christina Raynor, patient James Barnes, session one. The date is February 16, 2024. So, Mr. Barnes. I've heard a lot about you. It’s a pleasure to meet you at last. My name is Dr. Raynor, but you can call me Christina if you’re more comfortable with that.

SGT. JAMES BARNES: Yeah. Hi.

RAYNOR: I trust you understand why we’re here?

BARNES: Condition of my pardon.

RAYNOR: Exactly. [Pause] So, Mr. Barnes, since this is our first session, maybe a good place to start is by asking you this: what are your goals for our work together?

BARNES: Sorry?

RAYNOR: What do you want to get out of our time together?

[Silence — nine seconds.]

BARNES: I don’t know. Get my head shrunk?

RAYNOR: [Sighs] Your pardon is conditional on these weekly sessions. I’m not here to waste your time, and I certainly hope you’re not here to waste mine.

BARNES: Okay?

RAYNOR: I hope that you’ll take our work seriously.

BARNES: Course.

RAYNOR: Is there something going on outside?

BARNES: What? No.

RAYNOR: You seem unfocused. You’re looking out the window.

BARNES: Sight lines. Office building across from us has a roof with a really nice view into this room.

RAYNOR: I’m guessing you don’t mean nice in the way most people would. Would you like me to close the blinds?

BARNES: No thank you. I like the light.

RAYNOR: Okay. So, to bring us back to the topic at hand, I’ll ask you again: what are your goals? What do you hope to get out of our time together?

BARNES: I mean. My pardon, I guess?

RAYNOR: Mr. Barnes — James, can I call you James?

BARNES: Sure, why not.

RAYNOR: James, let me ask you this: how much do you understand of what you’ve done?

BARNES: What the hell kind of question is that.

RAYNOR: An honest one. I am trying to measure your grasp of—

BARNES: I understand all of it.

RAYNOR: Your file indicates that you have ongoing memory issues. Are you—

BARNES: I don’t have memory issues. Not when it comes to that stuff, anyway.

RAYNOR: Can you elaborate?

BARNES: Maybe some of the earlier — I don’t remember all the early stuff, stuff from before the war. But what they made me do? Crystal. Every second.

RAYNOR: You’re feeling angry.

BARNES: Yeah.

RAYNOR: Good. Anger can be a healthy place to begin. Tell me about your anger, James.

[Silence — twenty-three seconds.]

RAYNOR: I’m getting the feeling you don’t want to be here.

BARNES: Nope.

RAYNOR: You understand why you’re here, though.

BARNES: Yep.

RAYNOR: Okay. So. Why are you angry?

BARNES: [Pause] Why did you assume that I didn’t understand what I did when I was the... Why would, why would you think that? You think I’m not bothered by it?

RAYNOR: So you are bothered by it.

BARNES: Yes, I fucking am! Of course I am!

RAYNOR: What part of it bothers you the most?

[Silence — forty-three seconds.]

BARNES: I can’t do this.

RAYNOR: James, we are not finished our session, and if you leave now I will have to report you for a violation of the terms of your pardon. Sit down.

BARNES: I can’t.

RAYNOR: Stop that. Sit down and face what you’re feeling. Can you name what you’re feeling?

[Silence — one minute and four seconds.]

RAYNOR: You’re jiggling your leg. Is that a nervous habit? Are you feeling afraid?

BARNES: No.

RAYNOR: What are you afraid of, James?

[Silence — two minutes and thirty eight seconds.]

BARNES: What are you writing?

RAYNOR: At last, he speaks.

BARNES: What are you—? Doc. Come on, Doc, I have a right to know what you’re writing about me.

RAYNOR: I'm writing that you are comfortable with silence. And that you try to wait me out instead of answering questions you don’t like. [Pause] You were a sniper, isn’t that right? Isn’t that what that comment about sight lines was about?

BARNES: I still am.

RAYNOR: No. No, you are not, you are a civilian. Look, James, a word to the wise: if you want this to work, if you want your pardon to stick, you need to start reframing the way you think of yourself. You are a civilian. You're no longer a soldier. You’re a recovering POW. You’ve experienced extreme forms of torture and psychological manipulation, you’ve been victimized for so many years and in ways that—

BARNES: That’s not how I think of myself.

RAYNOR: That’s exactly my point. So, how do you think of yourself?

BARNES: I… I don’t know. But not like that.

RAYNOR: Describe it.

BARNES: I’m not a victim. Maybe… more like a machine. A machine that doesn’t work anymore.

RAYNOR: Good. Keep going.

BARNES: That’s all I got.

RAYNOR: Come on, James, work with me.

BARNES: A machine that doesn’t do what it’s supposed to anymore. So it gets, I dunno, thrown on the scrap heap.

RAYNOR: So you feel rejected? Alone?

BARNES: Oh, come on! Quit reading into it.

RAYNOR: That is quite literally my job. [Pause] Tell me about your social life.

BARNES: What? Why?

RAYNOR: Who do you spend time with? Do you have friends? Girlfriends, boyfriends? Do you go on dates? What about your sex life?

BARNES: Jesus! This century. You people have no boundaries, you know that?

RAYNOR: I take it that’s a no.

BARNES: That’s an it’s none of your business.

RAYNOR: So, definitely a no on that front. [Pause] If you think I’m pushing your boundaries a little, you’re correct. That’s what we’re here to do. That’s what my job is all about.

BARNES: Well, please don’t.

RAYNOR: Why not? What would happen? [Pause] Your arm, your metal arm. You’re clenching it. You’re making a fist. Are you feeling angry? Do you want to hurt me right now?

[Silence — 16 seconds.]

BARNES: Doc, I have literally never wanted to hurt anyone in my entire life, except the people who did this to me.

RAYNOR: So you were forced to hurt people when you were the Winter Soldier.

BARNES: Haven’t the goddamn papers been over this enough times? I mean, that’s why I got a pardon, isn’t it?

RAYNOR: Who did you hurt?

[Silence — 20 seconds.]

BARNES: You know. You read my file. You’re a smart lady, don’t play dumb.

RAYNOR: I want to hear it from you. Tell me who you hurt.

BARNES: Anyone. Anyone. Didn’t matter. Whoever they — whoever they pointed me at.

RAYNOR: Women? Children?

BARNES: I said, anyone. [Pause] Yeah. Innocent people. Witnesses. Yeah, children, little kids. Yes.

RAYNOR: How does that make you feel?

BARNES: Are you serious?

RAYNOR: Yes, James. I am.

BARNES: Well, Doc, it makes me feel like the worst piece of shit in the world. Like something Hitler would scrape off his goddamn boot. It makes me wanna put a gun in my mouth about ten times a day. Thanks for fucking asking.

RAYNOR: Excellent.

BARNES: Excuse me?

RAYNOR: This is excellent. This is really good. You’re demonstrating remorse. This is growth, James. Keep going, tell me how you—

BARNES: Is this — is this what all this is about? Is that why they’re making me do this? Are they trying to make me — I don’t. I don’t understand.

RAYNOR: James?

BARNES: [Quietly] Is this punishment?

RAYNOR: No, James, this is therapy. We’re exploring your feelings.

BARNES: I can’t. I can’t.

RAYNOR: Okay, you’re hyperventilating. Breathe, James. Breathe now, nice and slow and deep. In, and out. Slow down. Slow down, with me, okay?

BARNES: I — I need to get some air. I have to get outta here. Please excuse me.

RAYNOR: We’re not done here. James. James!

[Silence — ten seconds. Door slams.]

RAYNOR: God damn it. Hey Siri, stop recording.

End transcript.

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Session 1, Appendix 1: Notes

Mr. Barnes walked out of our session fifteen minutes before the full hour was up. However, his emotional breakthrough toward the end of our session was admirable, and our first session could have gone much worse. In light of this, I will consider today’s appointment a full session that satisfies the requirements of his legal arrangement. However, I will advise him that walking out of future sessions warrants the same disciplinary action as not showing up at all.

An additional factor: I am aware of the unique cultural barrier that the patient’s history presents. James, raised in the 1920s and 30s, has a vastly out-of-date perception of psychiatry and the stigma of mental healthcare, particularly for men. Combined with the severely traumatic experiences of combat and torture indicated by his medical and psychological assessments, which would be challenging for even the most well-adjusted and open-minded individual to overcome, I anticipate that for James, social readjustment and emotional equilibrium will not be easily achieved — if it is even possible.

At this stage, I am unable to make a confident assessment of his risk to the public. For the sake of public safety, recommend 24/7 monitoring of personal communications, movements, and contacts until advised further.

Dr. Christina Raynor
02/16/2024

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Dr. RAYNOR, Christina A.
Patient: Sgt. BARNES, James B. — DOB 03/10/1917

Session Two
Conducted by Dr. Christina A. Raynor
10:30 AM, February 23, 2024
Unit #124, 325 West 27th Street, New York City, NY, United States of America, Earth

Transcript of recording as follows:

DR. CHRISTINA RAYNOR: —wasn’t sure I’d see you again after last time. I’m recording now, by the way. Dr. Christina Raynor, patient James Barnes, session two. The date is February 23, 2024.

SGT. JAMES BARNES: Yeah, well, don’t take it personal, Doc, but it’s not like I have much of a choice about being here.

RAYNOR: I’m not your enemy, Mr. Barnes. I know it’s hard for you to accept help, given your… background, but I genuinely am trying to help you get better.

BARNES: Fine. Just tell me — tell me what you want me to do. What do I have to do to get through this.

RAYNOR: That’s not how therapy works. This isn’t a mission. But maybe we should explore that urge. Would that make you more comfortable? Being given instructions, orders?

BARNES: Don’t do that. Don’t try to make it sound like I want to be someone’s, someone’s… That’s the last thing I want ever again, okay?

RAYNOR: We’re both former soldiers, James.

BARNES: Okay?

RAYNOR: So I know that sometimes, being given orders can be terrible. And sometimes, it can be a relief.

BARNES: [Scoffs] Depends who’s giving them, I guess.

RAYNOR: Exactly. But I can’t give you orders, I can’t tell you what to do. That’s not how this works. [Pause] I’d like to pick up where we left off last time—

BARNES: What? No.

RAYNOR: No?

BARNES: No.

RAYNOR: Okay, why not?

BARNES: Because where we left off — Jesus Christ.

RAYNOR: You were having an emotional breakthrough, James, and you shut down and left.

BARNES: An emotional—? I told you I want to put a gun in my mouth, and you told me I was doing a good job.

RAYNOR: That’s not what I said.

BARNES: You’re recording all of this, right? So, why don’t we go back and listen to the recording?

RAYNOR: You’re very combative today. What’s bothering you?

BARNES: Well, this might surprise you, but I don’t actually want to be here.

RAYNOR: Okay. So you feel… forced? Trapped? Disempowered, maybe? Is that a good word to use?

BARNES: Sure.

RAYNOR: So tell me why feeling disempowered bothers you so much.

[Silence — 10 seconds.]

RAYNOR: Come on, James, this is a softball.

BARNES: Yeah, maybe for you.

RAYNOR: We both know the answer to this question. But you need to say it.

BARNES: [Quietly] For fuck’s sake. [Pause] I guess it’s because of what they made me do. Okay?

RAYNOR: That’s good. That’s a good start. Can you be more specific?

BARNES: Probably.

[Silence — 12 seconds.]

RAYNOR: Well? Tell me why feeling disempowered is so upsetting to you.

[Silence — 8 seconds.]

BARNES: You know I didn’t sleep between, like, 1948 and 2014? They didn’t let me sleep between missions, because sleep makes your brain heal, so I’d start… figuring stuff out, come back to myself a bit, and they didn’t like that. And cryostasis isn’t like sleep at all, there’s pretty much no brain activity when you’re deep-frozen, it’s just being... out. Being nowhere. Guess I got knocked out on a mission once or twice, too, but I’m not sure if that counts as sleep.

RAYNOR: [Quietly] I know. I’ve read your file.

BARNES: No privacy. No rights. Nothing. I didn’t own a single thing. I didn’t have a name. All I knew was what I was told to do. Go here. Kill this person. Make it look like an accident. Return to base. Hold still while they... [Pause] And you’re — you’re wondering why feeling, feeling disempowered feels so god-awful?

RAYNOR: Good. You’re getting there. Come on, James, we both know the answer, you’re circling around it, but I need you to say it in your own words.

BARNES: God, this is its own kind of torture. [Pause.] Okay. I don’t like feeling... disempowered, if you wanna use that word, because I just fucking got some power back after having none, none, for seventy years. Is that what you wanted to hear? [Pause.] You know what, it’s actually funny. I lived, I survived it all, everything HYDRA and the Red Room could throw at me. And I got out. And I got better. And after all that, I still don’t get to make my own goddamn choices.

RAYNOR: Thank you. I know that was difficult. [Pause.] So. What kind of choices would you like the freedom to make?

BARNES: Well, not living under the threat of being thrown in the Raft or whatever if I miss a therapy session would be a start.

RAYNOR: Okay. [Pause.] You told me last time that your captors, HYDRA, made you hurt and kill innocent people, even children.

BARNES: Where exactly are you going with this?

RAYNOR: I just want to point out that while you seem very focused on what they made you do to other people, this is the first time you’ve talked about what was done to you.

BARNES: What? [Pause] Yeah, well — it doesn’t matter.

RAYNOR: What doesn’t matter?

[Silence — twelve seconds.]

RAYNOR: I’m here to listen, James. I can’t do my job if you don’t talk.

BARNES: Why the hell should I get stuck on what they did to me? After the things I’ve done to other people, why does it matter what they did to me? It’s all in my file anyway.

RAYNOR: Is it?

BARNES: I — I mean, yeah, it is, right? Why, what are you implying?

RAYNOR: I’m not implying anything. [Pause] James, I’m asking these questions because — okay, I’m going to be frank: you are severely traumatized, and you seem unwilling to acknowledge that. I’m going to make a guess, because you’re not communicating with me, that you feel like if you focus on what you did to other people as the Winter Soldier, you think you can ignore the terrible things that were done to you. And some part of you hopes that if you don’t think about all that pain, maybe it’ll go away. Isn’t that right? Because, in the time you come from, in your culture, that’s what men did with their trauma, like when they came home from war. Tell me, how well did it work for them?

[Silence — 32 seconds.]

RAYNOR: You don’t need to make a report to me, or tell me every secret detail of your life. This is therapy, not a debriefing.

BARNES: Then why am I being recorded?

RAYNOR: [Sighs] These sessions are intended to improve your mental health and wellbeing, James. I’m not lying to you. But they’re also a… let’s call it an assessment tool.

BARNES: [Scoffs] That’s what I thought.

RAYNOR: What do you mean?

BARNES: I’m not stupid, Doc. I know that what happens in this room doesn’t stay between you and me. I know my apartment’s bugged, too, by the way. Say, you wouldn’t have anything to do with the listening device I found in my kitchen the other day, would you? What about the two plainclothes guys who followed me to the library yesterday? They suck at their jobs, by the way, SHIELD oughtta be ashamed if that’s the best they can do.

RAYNOR: Why would you assume that has anything to do with me?

BARNES: You work for SHIELD, you report to them, these recordings go to them. I’m gonna assume pretty safely that someone up top is deciding what to do with me based on whatever you feed them. You wanna talk about feeling disempowered? What about the fact that anything I say in this room, where I’m supposed to be getting help, might get used against me? To revoke my pardon and lock me up, or, or—

RAYNOR: If you’re being surveilled, James — assuming SHIELD is surveilling you, can you put yourself in their shoes for a minute? You’re enhanced, you’re struggling, there’s a potential risk to public safety there. That’s exactly what SHIELD exists for. To protect the public. Even if you don’t want to admit it, you can see where they’re coming from.

BARNES: I just want to be left alone. I just want some fucking privacy.

RAYNOR: Okay. I can see that you’re upset. Let’s explore that feeling.

BARNES: [Sigh] Do we have to?

RAYNOR: Yes. [Pause] Let’s imagine a world where you were left completely to your own devices. No one monitoring you, no one telling you what to do with yourself, no rules. What would that look like? What kind of life would you build?

BARNES: I don’t know. I can’t even — can’t picture it.

RAYNOR: Why not?

BARNES: Because there’s… look, even if I didn’t have the goddamn government breathing down my neck and bugging my place, there’s always the remnants of HYDRA who might want their old toy back, or people who want revenge for the things I did, or… I can’t know that no one’s gonna come for me.

RAYNOR: So it sounds like you’re unable to feel safe. Would you say that’s accurate?

BARNES: I can handle myself in a fight, if that’s what you mean.

RAYNOR: I don’t mean “safe” in that sense. It’s not about fighting, James. It’s about being able to relax, realizing that you don’t always have to be preparing for a fight. Emotional safety. Would you say that you feel safe, in that sense?

[Silence — twenty-four seconds.]

RAYNOR: It can be very overwhelming, to never feel like you’re safe. And what are some ways you cope with that feeling of being unsafe? Do you have any coping mechanisms that have worked well for you?

BARNES: Well, I can’t get drunk anymore thanks to the serum, so.

RAYNOR: Frankly, I find it alarming that that’s the first option that comes to mind.

[Silence — eight seconds.]

BARNES: Okay. I don’t think this is a coping mechanism. Not in the way you mean. But — I’m making lists.

RAYNOR: Lists?

BARNES: I’ve already turned in all the intel on HYDRA I had as part of my pardon arrangement, but now... I’ve been making lists. People I hurt, people I killed, unfinished business like that. And I'm coming up with a lot of names of people I helped, who shouldn’t have been helped. And I’ve been looking them up, and it looks like there are a lot of them who are still out there, still… active.

RAYNOR: And what do you intend to do with these lists?

BARNES: Well, I started making them just to get all the information out of my head, you know? But now — now I keep thinking. I can’t sit by while these assholes are still out there, Doc. Never been able to just sit by.

RAYNOR: Okay. Okay. So, you’re saying you want to make amends for the things you did as the Winter Soldier? That’s huge, James. That’s really, really great. But we need to be very careful with how we proceed from here.

BARNES: Yeah, I get that.

RAYNOR: I’d like to come up with some… guidelines. Ways to satisfy your urge to make amends without getting yourself in legal trouble. Let me consider it for a few days, and I’ll come to our session next week with some suggestions for how to proceed. Can you promise me one thing? Can you promise me that you won’t take any action on this until we’ve had our next meeting?

BARNES: Yeah, sure.

RAYNOR: Thank you. [Pause] How are you sleeping?

BARNES: What?

RAYNOR: You keep yawning.

BARNES: Just… up late last night, I guess.

RAYNOR: So no problems with sleep?

BARNES: I’m just tired. Come on, Doc, I’m a hundred years old, right? It’s not a big deal.

RAYNOR: Mm. You’re also a super soldier, and your medical file indicates that you’re able to function on a lot less sleep than us regular Joes. So, why are you so tired? Are you having any trouble falling asleep? Insomnia, anxiety? Any nightmares?

BARNES: I — I dunno.

RAYNOR: So, that’s a yes? [Pause] It’s very normal, after what you’ve been through, to have bad dreams. Nightmares, night terrors, flashbacks, they’re all common symptoms of PTSD.

BARNES: What’s PTSD?

RAYNOR: Oh my God.

BARNES: What?

RAYNOR: Okay. Okay. I’ve been making some assumptions, clearly, about your level of education.

BARNES: What? Look, if this is because I didn’t finish high school, it was the middle of the fucking Depression and—

RAYNOR: No! Not that kind of education. I meant, I’ve been working on the assumption that someone, somewhere along the line, told you about things like PTSD and brought you up to speed on… this century. PTSD stands for post-traumatic stress disorder. Maybe in your time it was called shellshock, or battle fatigue—

BARNES: Oh. You mean, um, isifo somphefumlo.

RAYNOR: I beg your pardon?

BARNES: That’s the word for it in Wakanda. That’s what they told me I have. It translates to something like “soul sickness”. They said it was like battle fatigue. So I guess it’s kind of the same as what you’re talking about.

RAYNOR: That’s possible, although I don’t know much about the Wakandan views on PTSD or its cultural framing. In Western terms, James, what it means is that your traumatic experiences have left a sort of an... imprint on your mind. Often after a person experiences an emotionally intense event, the brain and body start working together to sort of protect you from ever having to experience that again. So you get symptoms like… say, hypervigilance, like the way you keep looking at the windows and the doors as we're sitting here. Flashbacks, where you experience those intensely traumatic events again in your mind. Nightmares, irritability, insomnia, panic attacks. There are many symptoms. Do any of those sound familiar?

[Silence — 12 seconds.]

RAYNOR: James. Don’t try to wait me out because you don’t want to answer a question. We talked about this last week.

BARNES: What? No. Just... thinking.

RAYNOR: Okay, well. We’re actually coming to the end of our time today. Before you leave, I’d like to write you a prescription. Two prescriptions, actually—

BARNES: What? You don’t need to do that.

RAYNOR: Just hear me out. The drugs I’m prescribing are very safe and you might find they might really improve your mood.

BARNES: I don’t want drugs.

RAYNOR: James, please just try them. Just for a couple of weeks, just to see if they help. Along with the drugs, I highly encourage you to schedule time each day for some kind of calming self-care practice, like meditation. Many people find yoga to be very soothing—

BARNES: Absolutely not.

RAYNOR: The yoga is just a suggestion. But the drugs are a prescription. Which means you need to take them.

BARNES: And what if I don’t?

RAYNOR: Technically, you are supposed to comply with my recommendations. It’s a condition of our arrangement.

BARNES: So if I don’t take the meds, what happens?

RAYNOR: Please cooperate, James. Just try them. We don’t even know if they’ll have an effect on your metabolism.

BARNES: Please don’t make me do this.

RAYNOR: James.

BARNES: I don’t like being drugged. Okay? Are you following me here?

[Silence — six seconds.]

RAYNOR: What if we just put you on the sertraline? The alprazolam can make you feel foggy, but the sertraline won’t get you high at all. It’ll just help your brain to start producing chemicals that help you feel better. I’ll still write you a script for the alprazolam, but it’s optional. You’ll only take it if you feel it’s necessary to help you calm down.

BARNES: Please.

RAYNOR: I know the prospect of medication is probably a lot for you, given your history. But I am asking you to trust me, James. Can you do that?

[Silence — 13 seconds.]

BARNES: I’ll try.

RAYNOR: Thank you, James. [Pause] So, that’s it for today, so I’m going to stop recording. Good work today. I’ll see you next—

End transcript.

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Session 2, Appendix 1: Medical prescriptions

Patient: Barnes, James B.
RX: Sertraline - Zoloft
100 mg x 3 capsules once daily.
High dosage due to enhanced metabolism. Dosage to be increased under supervision
Disp. 180 tablets
Refills: 6
Signatory: Dr. Raynor, Christina A.

Patient: Barnes, James B.
RX: Alprazolam - Xanax
2 mg.
Take as needed for treatment of severe anxiety episodes
Disp. 90 tablets
Refills: 6
Signatory: Dr. Raynor, Christina A.

———

Session 2, Appendix 2: Notes

As in our first session, James demonstrated a negative/neutral affect for most of our session today. I have provided him with a prescription for sertraline, an SSRI, to help stabilize his persistent low mood, as well as alprazolam to treat anxiety as needed. It’s unclear with his enhanced metabolism how effective the medication will be, and I am starting him on an extremely high dosage to counteract the expected effects of the serum. He is extremely reluctant to try psychopharmaceutical treatment due to his traumatic history; however, I feel that if medication has a chance to improve his quality of life and his chances of reintegration with society, it is my responsibility to explore that possibility.

Note: James is aware of the surveillance on his apartment and may have disabled at least one monitoring device (see transcript). After two sessions, I am less inclined to believe he is a risk to the public, but I am significantly more concerned that he may self-harm. Advise continued surveillance of his home and communication devices, but please proceed with caution and as much respect as possible.

Dr. Christina Raynor
02/23/2024

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Chapter Text

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Dr. RAYNOR, Christina A.
Patient: Sgt. BARNES, James B. — DOB 03/10/1917

Supplementary material #1

Incoming number: (929) 746-0646 [cell phone registered to James B. Barnes]
Outgoing number: (212) 925-8945 [cell phone registered to Dr. Christina A. Raynor]

4:32 AM, March 4, 2024

Transcript of phone call recording as follows:

DR. CHRISTINA RAYNOR: Hello? Is anyone there? [Pause] Hello?

[Silence — four seconds.]

SGT. JAMES BARNES: Doc?

RAYNOR: Who is this?

BARNES: Bucky Barnes. Uh, James to you, I guess.

RAYNOR: James? I almost hung up on you. It’s the middle of the night. What’s going on? Are you all right?

BARNES: Yeah. No. I don’t know... [inaudible]

RAYNOR: James, what’s going on? [Pause] James, where are you right now?

BARNES: I... I'm in my apartment. You sound kinda worried.

RAYNOR: You’re calling me at four in the morning, of course I’m worried. Are you hurt? Are you planning to hurt yourself?

BARNES: [Sigh] I’m fine. Will you just... stay on the phone for a minute?

RAYNOR: All right. So… do you want me to just talk, or...?

BARNES: Yeah, that would be good, please.

RAYNOR: About anything in particular?

BARNES: Just… tell me about your day or something.

RAYNOR: Okay. Uh. Well, yesterday I went for brunch with a couple of old friends from university who I hadn’t seen for a while. I picked up my dry-cleaning, ran some errands. [Pause] Are you feeling better? Is this helping?

BARNES: Yeah. Please keep going.

RAYNOR: Okay. Um... I saw some clients in the afternoon, and then I took my dog to the park. Picked up dinner on the way home. Worked out while listening to a podcast on macroeconomics.

BARNES: And I thought my life was boring.

RAYNOR: Oh, very funny.

BARNES: Thanks, Doc. [Pause] I think I’m good now.

RAYNOR: You’re welcome. Are you ready to talk about it?

BARNES: [Pause] Do I have to?

RAYNOR: We can talk about it now, or we can talk about it at your session on Thursday. Your call.

BARNES: I guess I felt like… [Pause] God, this is so stupid. I shouldn’t have called.

RAYNOR: Come on, James, just tell me what happened.

BARNES: I had a dream, okay?

RAYNOR: Go on?

BARNES: But it didn’t feel like a dream. It felt real.

RAYNOR: That’s pretty common for people recovering from trauma like yours. But I can assure you, James, it was just a dream. [Pause] Tell me what happened.

BARNES: It was kind of a jumble at first, random bits and pieces bleeding together. Bad stuff. Medical stuff. And then it got really clear. It was a memory. I was running through this office building, chasing after a guy who was running away from me… and I killed him. With my hand. Right through — Jesus, fuck, I put my hand right through his chest and it came out on the other side. They’d told me to — to make it messy, make a scene, run him down and make him die scared, so... so I did. I did what I was told. And I woke up and saw my hand in real life, the metal one that I’d used to... and… [quietly] oh, fuck, it was real. Fuck me. Fuck, fuck, it all really happened.

[Silence — four seconds.]

RAYNOR: Are you all right?

BARNES: Give me a second. Just…

RAYNOR: Okay. Just breathe.

[Silence — twenty-four seconds.]

BARNES: Okay. Okay.

RAYNOR: Better?

BARNES: A bit.

RAYNOR: That sounds like a very disturbing experience, James.

BARNES: No shit.

RAYNOR: Probably pretty disorienting, too.

BARNES: Yeah. Feels real weird. I know where I am, but… when I woke up, I had no idea where, or when, or… it was like coming out of cryo again. Not knowing what year it was. Literally.

RAYNOR: Do you know who that person was? The person in your dream?

BARNES: I think it was one of the older ones. Maybe the 1960s. Probably wouldn’t be hard to figure out the name if I cross-referenced the HYDRA records.

RAYNOR: That can wait. For now, it’s more important to look after yourself. Do you have that medicine I prescribed you? The alprazolam?

BARNES: Please don’t make me take it.

RAYNOR: I’m not gonna make you do anything. But I would like you to consider taking one, just one, to see if it has any effect on reducing your anxiety right now.

BARNES: I’ll… think about it.

RAYNOR: Thank you. What are you going to do now?

BARNES: Probably make some coffee, I guess. Go read a book or something.

RAYNOR: You’re not going back to sleep?

BARNES: I don’t think that’s a real good idea.

RAYNOR: Okay. Are you good to get off the phone now? We can keep going as long as you need.

BARNES: No, no, I think I’m good now. Thanks. And… Doc, I’m real sorry for calling at this hour.

RAYNOR: It was no problem, James. So I’ll see you on Thursday for our usual session?

BARNES: Yup.

RAYNOR: Okay. Goodnight, then.

BARNES: Night, Doc.

End transcript.

Chapter Text

Dr. RAYNOR, Christina A.
Patient: Sgt. BARNES, James B. — DOB 03/10/1917

Session Three
Conducted by Dr. Christina A. Raynor
10:30 AM, March 7, 2024
Unit #124, 325 West 27th Street, New York City, NY, United States of America, Earth

Transcript of recording as follows:

DR. CHRISTINA RAYNOR: This is Dr. Christina Raynor, patient is James Barnes, and this is our third session together. The date is Thursday, March 7, 2024. Good morning, James.

SGT. JAMES BARNES: Morning.

RAYNOR: I — oh, is that for me?

BARNES: Um, yeah. [Pause] Coffee’s gotten a lot better since the 1940s. They have this thing called a macchiato — anyway, I just got you a latte. I didn’t know what you liked.

RAYNOR: Uh. Well, wow. Thank you.

BARNES: Yep. [Pause] It’s not…

RAYNOR: What?

BARNES: You don’t have to look at it like that.

RAYNOR: Like what?

BARNES: Like it’s poisoned. I know I’m — [sighs]. This was a dumb idea. I shouldn’t have—

RAYNOR: No, it was kind of you.

BARNES: I just wanted to… [sighs] I know I’m a lot to deal with. I wanted to apologize.

RAYNOR: Wow. What brought this on?

BARNES: I just… the other night, I guess.

RAYNOR: I’m glad you called.

BARNES: Yeah, well, you probably weren’t real glad about it at the time.

RAYNOR: I appreciate that you reached out. Really, I do. [Pause] Did you end up taking the alprazolam?

BARNES: No.

RAYNOR: Okay. Well, just remember that it’s an option. Next time you have a bad dream or an anxiety attack, I’d like you to consider taking one, if only so we can measure its effect on your enhanced system. [Pause] Oh wow, that is good coffee. Thank you, James. That was very thoughtful, very nice of you.

BARNES: Well, believe it or not, I used to be a nice person. It was, like, eighty years ago, but I was. So I’m trying. [Pause] You’re doing your job, and I’m… I guess I’m not always making it easy for you.

RAYNOR: I wouldn’t do this job if I didn’t enjoy a challenge. And helping people. I do want to help you, James.

BARNES: Look, I, I know that. But...

RAYNOR: But it’s one thing to know it, and another to believe it.

BARNES: I guess.

RAYNOR: [Pause] In our first session, do you remember that I asked you what your goals were for our sessions? Establishing trust could be one of those goals.

BARNES: Let’s not go overboard.

RAYNOR: [Laughs] Okay. So. Last week we talked a little about these… lists you’ve been making, and about your desire to make amends — to stop the people who you worked for or enabled as the Winter Soldier, people who are still active, right?

BARNES: Yeah.

RAYNOR: Okay. So. I think this is a very healthy initiative, and I am fully in support of it. But in order for you to do this safely, that is to say legally, I’ve come up with three rules that I’d like to propose.

BARNES: I’m listening.

RAYNOR: First, nothing illegal. No breaking and entering, no trespassing, no hacking, no theft, nothing that breaks the law. Fair?

BARNES: Sure.

RAYNOR: Okay. [Pause] Hang on. Nope. That was too easy. You agreed too quickly.

BARNES: I agreed too quickly? Jesus, Doc, what do you want from me?

RAYNOR: [Sighs] James, I need you to take this seriously.

BARNES: I am serious. Promise. Nothing illegal. Got it.

RAYNOR: Mm-hmm. [Pause] The second rule, and this overlaps with the first one, is that you can’t hurt anybody.

BARNES: What, really?

RAYNOR: Yes! Yes, really. Jesus.

BARNES: [Sighs]

RAYNOR: And the third rule is that I’d like you to communicate with these people who hurt you.

BARNES: Communicate how? What do you want me to say?

RAYNOR: Well, I think it would be healthy for you to tell them who you are and what you’re doing. The point of this is gaining closure, isn’t it?

BARNES: You’re kidding.

RAYNOR: What’s the problem?

BARNES: You… seriously want me to go up to these people, people who used me like a — like a weapon, like an object, and try to have a fucking conversation with them?

RAYNOR: You’re not in therapy because it’s easy, James—

BARNES: That’s for goddamn sure—

RAYNOR: —you’re here because it can help you get better. But only if you try. [Pause] Look, you don’t need to have a whole conversation with them. Just tell them who you are. Something like, “My name is James Barnes, I am no longer the Winter Soldier, and you’re part of my efforts to make amends for my actions during that time.” One sentence. Can you do one sentence?

[Silence — eight seconds.]

RAYNOR: So. Those are my three rules. You either comply with them, all of them, or you give your lists to someone else — SHIELD, the FBI, the Avengers, whoever — and let them tie up these loose ends for you.

BARNES: Well, that ain’t happening.

RAYNOR: That’s what I thought. [Silence — six seconds.] So, do I have your agreement?

BARNES: Fine. Yes.

RAYNOR: Thank you.

BARNES: But… [sighs] I should probably tell you that I did already take care of one loose end this week.

RAYNOR: What? I asked you to wait until we’d discussed things in this session, James! You promised to wait! Jesus. What did you do?

BARNES: It was nothing, okay? I didn’t do anything illegal, I didn’t hurt anybody, so I was basically following your rules already, right? I just found where the guy’s living and turned in an anonymous tip to the FBI hotline. Got to watch from across the street as they busted down his front door, that was fun.

RAYNOR: And that was it?

BARNES: And that was it.

RAYNOR: You promised me you’d wait.

BARNES: It was time-sensitive, okay? What if he’d figured out that I was onto him and ran? These people are professionals, they’ll disappear like rats into the woodpile if you don’t move on them and you will never see them again. Trust me on that.

RAYNOR: [Sighs] As long as you didn’t hurt anyone.

BARNES: Of course not.

RAYNOR: Fine. Then let’s move on. Today I’d like to talk about your social life.

BARNES: Oh, for — if you start asking me whether I’m getting laid again, I will get up and walk out that door.

RAYNOR: Why? Is that a sensitive topic for you?

BARNES: Don’t start.

RAYNOR: Lucky for you, that’s not the kind of social life I meant. Actually, I’d like to talk about Steve Rogers. I’m surprised his name hasn’t come up earlier in our sessions. Your friendship with him has been a very powerful part of your life, hasn’t it?

BARNES: So?

RAYNOR: I take it that you haven’t been in contact with him since he… withdrew from public life?

BARNES: No.

RAYNOR: Is it possible for you to get in touch with him? Phone calls, texting, social media, that kind of thing?

BARNES: [Sighs] No.

RAYNOR: And how does that make you feel?

BARNES: [Pause] Happy for him.

RAYNOR: Really? Because that’s not what your tone and body language are telling me.

BARNES: I’ve always wanted Steve to be happy. And I can’t tell you where he is, but I can tell you that he’s happy. So I got nothing to feel bad about.

RAYNOR: But that doesn’t mean you don’t have bad feelings, even if you’re trying to justify them to yourself. You must miss him, don’t you? Have you had anyone else who fills a similar role in your life since he’s left? Other friends?

BARNES: Well, Doc, most of my other friends died in World War II. Or, you know, the eighty years after.

RAYNOR: [Pause] Right. And I understand that you don’t have any remaining immediate family, either. What about any extended family? Nieces, nephews, their children and grandchildren?

BARNES: Maybe.

RAYNOR: Maybe what? Maybe they exist? Maybe you’d like to be in touch with them? Give me something here, James.

BARNES: I don’t know. I… it wouldn’t be my place.

RAYNOR: It wouldn’t be your place to try to contact your own family?

BARNES: No.

RAYNOR: Why not?

BARNES: Come on, think about it for a second. Would you want to be related to me?

RAYNOR: Is that a comment on what you’ve done as the Winter Soldier?

BARNES: Obviously.

RAYNOR: You know, before you were the Winter Soldier, you were also a decorated war hero. And a well-loved historical figure.

BARNES: And then I murdered a president. Among a few dozen other people.

RAYNOR: Okay. So, it sounds like you’re feeling some… self-loathing, let’s call it, which is causing you to avoid building social connections. [Pause] Can you tell me more about that feeling?

[Silence — twelve seconds.]

RAYNOR: I can’t help you if you won’t talk, James. We’re on the edge of something really important here.

BARNES: [Quietly] I can’t do this.

RAYNOR: Really? Because the last time you said that, you got up and walked out. But look at you. You’re still here, you haven’t left. You can do this.

[Silence — seven seconds.]

RAYNOR: What about friends, James?

BARNES: I have friends.

RAYNOR: I have literally never heard you say anything more defensively than the way you just said that sentence.

BARNES: Jesus, Doc, what do you want from me?

RAYNOR: Tell me about one of your friends.

[Silence — eight seconds.]

RAYNOR: You’re not being judged here, James.

BARNES: Could have fooled me.

RAYNOR: Mm. Do you actually feel judged by me, or are you just trying to provoke a response from me so you can try to change the subject? [Pause] That’s what I thought. So, tell me about one of your friends.

[Silence — five seconds.]

BARNES: [inaudible]

RAYNOR: What was that?

BARNES: [Sighs] Sam Wilson, I guess.

RAYNOR: The Avenger?

BARNES: Yep.

RAYNOR: Okay. Tell me about your relationship with Sam.

BARNES: What do you want me to say?

RAYNOR: Do you spend a lot of time together? Do you call, text, hang out?

BARNES: I… well, no, not really.

RAYNOR: And yet you call him a friend.

BARNES: Well, he keeps texting me. Checking up on me.

RAYNOR: So he obviously cares.

BARNES: Well, yeah, but that’s just Sam.

RAYNOR: [Pause] Why didn’t you call him the other night when you were in crisis? You called me instead. And again, I’m glad you did, you can call me anytime you need to, but — what would have happened if you called Sam instead?

BARNES: I don’t know.

RAYNOR: So is he your friend or not?

BARNES: He’s… I don’t know. Probably he’s just being polite and trying to make sure I don’t off myself.

RAYNOR: Has he expressed those kinds of concerns? That you might hurt yourself?

BARNES: [Pause] Well, no—

RAYNOR: So you’re putting words in his mouth.

BARNES: Look, Sam is — [sighs]. Sam is a good person, okay? He’s the kind of guy who, who just looks after people. He was pretty tight with Steve. And now that Steve isn’t here anymore, he’s...

RAYNOR: So you think that he just feels obligated to check on you? Like he’s doing Steve a favour?

BARNES: [Quietly] Probably.

RAYNOR: That’s a big assumption to make. Why not assume that he genuinely cares about you?

BARNES: [Pause] Why?

RAYNOR: Are you asking why Sam would care about you? Maybe you should ask him yourself.

BARNES: Mm, nope.

RAYNOR: So you tell me this man is your friend, and yet it sounds like you don’t even feel comfortable acknowledging that he likes you beyond not wanting you to kill yourself. [Pause] What do you think would happen if you reached out to him? Asked if he wanted to, I don’t know, meet up and get dinner?

BARNES: I dunno.

RAYNOR: I’m gonna leave that conversation there, but it’s something for you to think about, okay? [Pause] So, have you been taking the medication I prescribed, the sertraline?

BARNES: [Sighs] Yep.

RAYNOR: Any side effects, any problems?

BARNES: Nope.

RAYNOR: Any effects at all? Good or bad?

BARNES: Nope.

RAYNOR: Well, that’s to be expected, even in a normal — that is, not enhanced human. SSRIs often take a few weeks or even months to kick in. You just have to keep taking it.

BARNES: [Sighs]

RAYNOR: God, it’s like trying to make my nephew eat his vegetables.

BARNES: Oh, that’s real professional, Doc.

RAYNOR: Was that a smile? I think that’s the first time I’ve actually seen you smile.

BARNES: What? No. You’re imagining things.

RAYNOR: Humour is healthy, James.

BARNES: Yeah, I’ve been told I’m a real funny guy.

RAYNOR: [Chuckles] Now I know you’re joking. [Pause] Well, that actually brings us to the end of our time today. I’m going to stop recording now and you can—

End transcript.

———

Session 3, Appendix 1: Notes

This session followed a late-night phone call earlier this week in which James spoke with me following a traumatic dream/flashback (see supplementary material #1).

James appears to be becoming more comfortable with me; besides reaching out to me when he was in crisis, he is beginning to express a pleasantly dry sense of humour, and did not leave even when our conversation broached difficult emotional topics such as his feelings regarding Steve Rogers’ disappearance. As seen in previous sessions, he indicates that he feels strong feelings of self-loathing and guilt for his actions as the Winter Soldier. I am pleased that James seems so focused on the idea of making amends, and I have high hopes that his efforts might help him work through some of these difficult feelings.

However, I am increasingly concerned about his social isolation and its effect on his wellbeing. After our third session, I feel increasingly confident that the only person James is a threat to is himself. I advise lifting the surveillance on his movements, but continuing surveillance on his home — again, as respectfully as possible.

Dr. Christina Raynor
03/07/2024

Chapter Text

———

Dr. RAYNOR, Christina A.
Patient: Sgt. BARNES, James B. — DOB 03/10/1917

Session Four
Conducted by Dr. Christina A. Raynor
10:30 AM, March 14, 2024
Unit #124, 325 West 27th Street, New York City, NY, United States of America, Earth

Transcript of recording as follows:

DR. CHRISTINA RAYNOR: —think it’s working now. Okay, we’re recording. This is Dr. Christina Raynor, patient James Barnes, starting session four. The date is the, uh, fourteenth of March. Mr. Barnes, how are you feeling today?

SGT. JAMES BARNES: Fine.

RAYNOR: Fine?

BARNES: Yup.

RAYNOR: Nothing to report? Nothing at all?

BARNES: Not really.

RAYNOR: Okay. [Pause] Well, how’s your week been? Seen anyone? Done anything worth noting?

BARNES: Just… the usual.

RAYNOR: “The usual.”

BARNES: Uh-huh.

RAYNOR: I see. Is that how it’s going to be today?

[Silence — eight seconds.]

RAYNOR: Right. [Pause] So, Mr. Barnes, are you still having nightmares?

[Silence — six seconds.]

RAYNOR: James, I asked you a question. Are you still having nightmares?

BARNES: No.

RAYNOR: We’ve been doing this long enough that I can tell when you’re lying. [Pause] Well, you seem a little off today. Did something happen recently?

BARNES: [Pause] No.

RAYNOR: You’re a civilian now. With your history, the government needs to know that you’re not gonna... It’s a condition of your pardon. [Pause] So. Tell me about your most recent nightmare.

BARNES: I didn’t have a nightmare.

[Silence — six seconds.]

BARNES: Oh, come on, really? You’re gonna do the notebook thing? Why? It’s passive-aggressive.

RAYNOR: You don’t talk, I write.

BARNES: Okay, okay. [Pause] I crossed a name off the list of my amends yesterday. Don’t worry — I used all your three rules. [Pause] Senator Atwood. She was a HYDRA pawn for years. Helped her get into office when I was the Winter Soldier. And after HYDRA disbanded, she continued to abuse the power I gave her.

RAYNOR: So, rule number one? You can’t do anything illegal?

BARNES: All I did was give some intel to the aide to convict her, and I wasn’t involved in anything else.

RAYNOR: Rule number two?

BARNES: What was rule number two—?

RAYNOR: Nobody gets hurt. It’s a big one.

BARNES: Then why isn’t it rule number one? [Pause] I didn’t hurt anybody. Promise.

RAYNOR: And what about rule number three? [Pause] The whole point of making amends is to fulfill rule number three.

BARNES: You know, you’re a cynic, Doc. Of course I completed rule number three. “I am no longer the Winter Soldier. I am James Bucky Barnes, and you are part of my efforts to make amends.”

RAYNOR: So you did it all right... but it didn’t help with the nightmares.

BARNES: Well, like I said, I didn’t have any.

RAYNOR: [Pause] Look. One day, you’re gonna have to open up and understand that some people really do want to help you, and that they can be trusted.

BARNES: I trust people.

RAYNOR: Yeah? Give me your phone.

[Silence — ten seconds.]

RAYNOR: You don’t have ten phone numbers in this thing. Oh, and you’ve been ignoring the texts from Sam. Look, you’ve gotta nurture friendships. I am the only person you have called all week. That is so sad. You are alone. You are a hundred years old. You have no history, no family—

BARNES: Are you lashing out at me, Doc? Because that’s really unprofessional, I mean, when did that start, when did you start yelling at your clients? Oh, the notebook, that’s great. [Pause] All right, give me a break, I’m trying, okay? This isn’t — this is new for me. I didn’t have a moment to deal with anything, you know? I had a little… calm, in Wakanda. And other than that, I just went from one fight to another for ninety years.

RAYNOR: [Pause] All right. So — now that you’ve stopped fighting, what do you want?

[Silence — eight seconds.]

BARNES: Peace.

RAYNOR: That is utter bullshit.

BARNES: You’re a terrible shrink—

RAYNOR: I was an excellent soldier. So I saw a lot of dead bodies, and I know how that can shut you down. And if you are alone, that is the quietest, most personal hell. And James, it is very hard to escape.

[Silence — six seconds.]

RAYNOR: Look, I know that you have been through a lot. But you’ve got your mind back, you’re being pardoned — I mean, these are good things. [Pause] You’re free.

[Silence — four seconds.]

BARNES: To do what?

RAYNOR: [Pause] Well, a couple of weeks ago we started to talk about what you’d do if you could do anything. So, let’s go back to that. Imagine that there are no barriers, no limitations. What kind of life do you build for yourself?

[Silence — ten seconds.]

RAYNOR: You’re shaking your head. Why?

BARNES: I got nothing, Doc.

RAYNOR: You’re shutting yourself down.

BARNES: No, I just can’t… picture whatever it is you want me to picture.

RAYNOR: That was your answer last time, too. That concerns me. You seem… well, to be frank, you seem like you don’t have any hope for yourself, for your future.

BARNES: Come on, you’re making it sound worse than it is.

RAYNOR: Am I? [Pause] When you came in today, you were so deep in your own head I could barely get a word out of you. This whole time you’ve been deflecting, minimizing your issues, flat-out lying to me. What’s eating you? What’s happened since I last saw you? Because you seemed a lot more with-it last week.

BARNES: Nothing. I meant it when I said nothing really happened.

RAYNOR: Nothing except you took down a US Senator.

BARNES: It wasn’t that big a deal.

RAYNOR: It was, to you. And also to pretty much every newspaper in the country. But who’s counting, right? [Pause] Is it because it didn’t help you the way you thought it would? Stopping her?

BARNES: [Sighs] I dunno. Maybe.

RAYNOR: So, let’s start there. What did you think was going to happen?

[Silence — seven seconds.]

RAYNOR: Don’t make me get out my notebook again.

BARNES: Oh, for crying out — okay, okay. Fine. I guess I thought, once I started being able to cross names off my list, I’d be able to feel like…

RAYNOR: Be able to feel like what, James?

BARNES: Like I was making a difference, balancing the scales a bit. [Pause] I thought it would mean something.

RAYNOR: And it doesn’t? You’ve stopped a corrupt politician who might have been a real danger to people, James, maybe a danger to democracy itself. You’ve done something good this week. You deserve to feel good about that.

BARNES: But it wasn’t enough. [Quietly] It’s never gonna be enough.

RAYNOR: James.

BARNES: So I took down one crooked politician. And last week I set the FBI on some guy who used to sell explosives to HYDRA. So what? It doesn’t matter if, if, if I put every single HYDRA affiliate in the world behind bars, or if I take Yori out for lunch every goddamn day of his life, or if I goddamn single-handedly cure cancer, because it’s not gonna, it’s never gonna be enough. Never.

RAYNOR: Who’s Yori?

[Silence — five seconds.]

BARNES: No one?

RAYNOR: [Sighs] James, I am trying my damndest to help you, but I’ll be honest, I’m getting pretty fed up with you today. Stop fighting me every step of the goddamn way and just talk to me. Who’s Yori?

BARNES: I killed his son.

RAYNOR: [Pause] Oh.

BARNES: Yeah.

RAYNOR: And... you’re in contact with him.

BARNES: [Sighs] I’m… I’m his neighbour.

RAYNOR: Okay, and here’s the sixty-four-thousand-dollar question: does he know that you’re responsible for his son’s death?

BARNES: [Quietly] No.

RAYNOR: Jesus Christ, James.

BARNES: I know, I—

RAYNOR: So you just so happened to move in near enough to this man to call him your neighbour, this man whose son you killed, and you’re close enough that you take him out for lunch, but you haven’t told him that you killed his child. [Pause] Please, for the love of God, tell me it was a coincidence that you moved in near him, James, because if this is stalking—

BARNES: No! Nothing like that. This is my city, I grew up here. That’s why I came back. It was just a coincidence that Yori lives here too.

RAYNOR: I honestly don’t know how to feel about this. So… tell me about your relationship, I guess. Convince me, I beg you, that this isn’t the worst idea you’ve ever had.

BARNES: [Sighs] We go for sushi every week. We do the crossword together and bitch about kids these days, you know, old man stuff. I make sure he gets to his appointments, help him figure out things on his phone, check on him when there’s a power outage… you know, basic stuff.

RAYNOR: The stuff his son would be doing for him, if he were alive.

BARNES: [Quietly] I guess.

RAYNOR: And he’s an old man? How old is he?

BARNES: In his seventies, maybe eighty.

RAYNOR: And how long ago did he lose his son?

BARNES: It was… I guess fifteen, twenty years ago.

RAYNOR: So his son was an adult?

BARNES: Yeah.

RAYNOR: Tell me about his son. How much do you remember?

BARNES: I told you, Doc, I remember all of it. Clearly. [Pause] It was such a, a... a stupid, useless, pointless death. The kid was in the wrong place at the wrong time. That was it. That’s all it was. I was in this hotel in Italy to assassinate some mafia boss who’d pissed off HYDRA — I don’t know who he was, I don’t know what he’d done to get on HYDRA’s bad side, I was never told that stuff, just where to go and who to kill—

RAYNOR: And Yori’s son was in the hotel?

BARNES: He, he was standing in the hall while I completed my mission. He was trying to get into his room. Trying to hide from me. But he was shaking too hard to get the key in the lock. And I — I’d been told…

RAYNOR: James, you're shaking.

BARNES: Can we stop here? I want to stop.

RAYNOR: Let's keep going, just a bit more. You’re doing really well.

BARNES: Please, I don’t want to—

RAYNOR: Come on, just a little more. Get it out. What had you been told?

BARNES: [Quietly] They said, “No witnesses.”

RAYNOR: So, you shot him?

BARNES: Point blank. Pistol. His face. It was fast and clean. But he was so afraid to die. So afraid, I didn’t even have to chase him. He just stood there like he was frozen and let me walk right up to him. He was so afraid, Doc, he was so scared of me, I can’t even tell you, he was — he was…

RAYNOR: It’s all right. Just breathe, James. [Pause] Do you want some water?

BARNES: No. Thank you.

RAYNOR: Okay. Just take a minute to breathe.

[Silence — forty-two seconds.]

RAYNOR: Feeling better?

BARNES: Yeah.

RAYNOR: So. How long has this thing been going on with Yori?

BARNES: A couple of months, I guess. I made contact after I got back stateside, after all the pardon stuff was wrapped up.

RAYNOR: And you’ve been looking after him. Like his son would have. Oh, James.

BARNES: I know it’s bad. I know, okay?

RAYNOR: It’s not bad, it’s — [sighs]. Well, it’s not good, either, but… I can see how hard you’re trying. Your heart is in the right place. But, and I don’t think I need to tell you this — Yori needs to know.

BARNES: Please don’t force me to tell him. I can’t.

RAYNOR: I guess that’s not my place, is it. But when you’re feeling stable enough to have that conversation… he deserves to know, don’t you think?

BARNES: I know. I know he does. Every time I see him, I… but like I said, I can’t.

RAYNOR: So you want to tell him. What's stopping you?

BARNES: It doesn’t — it doesn’t make any fucking sense. I’ve walked into places I was dead certain were gonna kill me, survived things you wouldn’t believe if I told you… and after all that, I can’t bring myself to look an old man in the eye and tell him the truth. I can’t. [Pause] Some fucking war hero I am, huh.

RAYNOR: You know, you’re very hard on yourself, James.

[Silence — seven seconds.]

RAYNOR: Let’s go back to Senator Atwood for a second. You put her in prison this week, but you can’t feel any pride or satisfaction about your actions. Is that because of Yori? Is that why he came up in conversation?

BARNES: [Sighs] I guess. Yeah.

RAYNOR: So, despite the amends you’re trying to make… you look at the harm you’ve done, the lives you’ve taken from people who deserved to live, like Yori's son, and you feel you’re beyond forgiveness, no matter what you do. Am I on the right track?

[Silence — nine seconds.]

BARNES: [Sighs] Can we stop for today? Please? I just… I don’t have any more in me today.

RAYNOR: I guess our time is pretty much up anyway. You did really well just now. I know that was hard for you. [Pause] James, I know you’re not fond of medication, and there’s also the question of whether it even works on you. But I can offer you a prescription for something to help you sleep. I hope you don’t mind me saying, but you look… you look very tired.

BARNES: No. Thank you.

RAYNOR: The offer stands, if you change your mind. [Pause] And the sertraline, still no effects?

BARNES: No.

RAYNOR: Okay. That’s pretty much as expected, still. [Pause] That was a pretty heavy session. Are you feeling all right?

BARNES: Yup.

RAYNOR: What are you going to do after you leave? Any plans, or are you just going straight home?

BARNES: Home.

RAYNOR: Okay, well, I’d like you to go for a walk, or see a friend, or take a nap… some form of self-care, whatever makes you feel good, all right? Just don’t withdraw.

BARNES: Yup.

RAYNOR: And you can call me if you feel like you need to talk. You can always call. [Pause] Hey Siri, stop recording.

End of transcript.

———

Session 4, Appendix 1: Notes

Today’s session was difficult due to James’ unusually low mood and poor communication. At the beginning of our conversation, I almost suspected him to be dissociating. (Note: Dissociation is something to bring up with him at a later date, as I suspect he experiences it but lacks the vocabulary to identify it.)

I will admit that I am somewhat disturbed that James has established a friendship with the father of a man he killed as the Winter Soldier, and also that he has kept this relationship secret from me, despite its relevance to some of our previous conversations about his friendships and social ties. However, if one were to look for a silver lining, it does create a clear goal for James to work toward.

I have found and attached the redacted HYDRA report related to the mission James describes in this transcript, which was among the SHIELD/HYDRA documents dumped online in the 2014 Black Widow Leak.

Advise continuing surveillance on James’ residence. As before, I emphasize that he is of little harm to anyone but himself, and would like to express my concern for his safety on record.

Dr. Christina Raynor
03/14/2024

———

Session 4, Appendix 2: HYDRA Mission Report AB-312

Project Winter Soldier
CLASSIFIED / EYES ONLY

Mission: Eliminate single target, L3
Target: Giovanni “Padre Gio” Biondini
Collateral damage: APPROVED

Date mission assigned: 10/08/2006
Date mission completed: 10/09/2006
Location: Villa Bella Hotel, Florence, Italy

Active targets eliminated: 8
Witnesses eliminated: 1
Total casualties: 9
Primary target eliminated: YES

Asset Performance Rating: ACCEPTABLE

Notes: All targets and witnesses eliminated as instructed. No damage sustained by asset. However, asset returned to pick-up point approximately ten minutes past time. Appropriate discipline administered by [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] under the supervision of [REDACTED].

Asset wipe procedure administered by [REDACTED] and supervised by [REDACTED] on 10/10/2006.

Asset returned to cryogenic stasis 10/10/2006, authorized by [REDACTED].

Report approved 10/11/2006 by [REDACTED], Primary Handler: Project Winter Soldier.
Filed on 10/13/2006 by [REDACTED], Assistant Archivist, Files & Records, HYDRA.

Chapter Text

———

Dr. RAYNOR, Christina A.
Patient: Sgt. BARNES, James B. — DOB 03/10/1917

Session Five
Conducted by Dr. Christina A. Raynor
9:30 PM, March 25, 2024
Baltimore Police Department, 501 N. Calvert Street, Baltimore, MD, United States of America, Earth

Transcript of recording as follows:

DR. CHRISTINA RAYNOR: And we are... recording. James, Sam, sit down, please. [Pause] So. Who would like to start?

SGT. SAMUEL WILSON: All right, Doctor… Raynor? I get it, why you want me to talk to Freaky McGoo over here. But I’m 100% fine.

RAYNOR: It is my job to make sure you’re okay. And so this might be slightly unprofessional, but it’s the only way I can see of you getting over whatever’s eating at you.

WILSON: This is ridiculous.

SGT. JAMES BARNES: Yup. I agree.

RAYNOR: See? Making progress already. [Pause] So… who wants to go first?

[Silence — four seconds.]

RAYNOR: No volunteers. Wow. How surprising. [Pause] Okay. We’re going to do an exercise. It’s something I use with couples when they’re trying to figure out what kind of life they want to build together. Are you familiar with the Miracle Question?

WILSON: Of course I am.

BARNES: [Simultaneously] Absolutely not.

RAYNOR: Okay. It goes like this: Suppose that while you’re sleeping, a miracle occurs. When you wake up, what is something you would like to see that would make your life better?

BARNES: In my miracle, um, he would, he would talk less.

WILSON: Exactly what I was gonna say. Isn’t that ironic.

RAYNOR: You guys are leaving me no choice. It’s time for the soul-gazing exercise.

BARNES: I like this one, Doc. Thank you. Yup. I’m ready—

WILSON: [Simultaneously] Oh, my God. Oh, this guy’s gonna love this.

RAYNOR: Okay, turn around, turn around, face each other, face each other, face each other.

WILSON: You’re really enjoying this.

BARNES: I’m going to.

WILSON: I know you are.

BARNES: Let’s do it, let’s stare.

RAYNOR: Get close.

BARNES: This is a good exercise. Thanks, Doc.

RAYNOR: All right, good. All right. Get close. [Pause] Closer.

BARNES: Well, which way do you wanna go, right or left?

WILSON: [Simultaneously] Well, you gotta have your legs open — you know what, fine. Here. You happy now?

RAYNOR: All right. Good. That’s fine.

BARNES: We’re locked in now.

WILSON: Yeah, we are.

BARNES: It’s a little close!

WILSON: It’s very close! That’s what you wanted, right?

RAYNOR: Guys! Good. Now, look at each other. You need to look at each other. In the eyes. [Pause] There, you see, that wasn’t so hard.

[Silence — fifteen seconds.]

RAYNOR: Wait, what are you doing? [Pause] Are you having a staring contest? [Pause] Just — blink! Sweet Jesus. All right. James, why does Sam aggravate you? And don’t say something childish.

[Silence — ten seconds.]

BARNES: Why’d you give up that shield?

WILSON: Why are you making such a big deal out of something that has nothing to do with you?

BARNES: Steve believed in you. He trusted you. He gave you that shield for a reason. That shield — that is, that is everything he stood for, that is his legacy, he gave you that shield and you threw it away like it was nothing—

WILSON: All right —

BARNES: —so maybe he was wrong about you, and if he was wrong about you, then he was wrong about me!

[Silence — six seconds.]

WILSON: You finished?

BARNES: Yeah.

WILSON: All right, good. Now maybe this is something you or Steve will never understand, but can you accept that I did what I thought was right?

[Silence — five seconds.]

WILSON: You know what, Doc, I don't have time for this. We have some real serious shit going on. So how about this: I will squash it, right now. We go deal with that. And when we’re done, we both can go on separate long vacations. And never see each other again.

BARNES: I like that.

WILSON: Great. Well, let’s get to work. Thanks, Doc, for making it weird. I feel much better. [Pause] I’ll see you outside.

RAYNOR: Thank you. That was… really great.

[Silence — eight seconds.]

RAYNOR: I know that look, what’s wrong?

BARNES: What was rule number two again?

RAYNOR: “Don’t hurt anyone.”

BARNES: Goodbye, Doc.

End of transcript.

———

Session 5, Appendix 1: Notes

Tonight, under his purview as Captain America, my former colleague Captain John Walker authorized the discontinuation of James’ therapy appointments indefinitely. I would like to state on record that while I deeply respect Captain Walker and his decision, it is my strong recommendation that James continue to regularly attend therapy in order to continue along the trajectory of growth and recovery that he has only just begun.

In my previous reports, I have emphasized that James is no longer a danger to the public, but that it is my professional assessment that he may be at risk of harming himself. If James’ safety and wellbeing are genuinely a priority to anyone who reads these reports, I urge you to reinstate the order for his court-mandated therapy sessions immediately.

I should also note that James missed his last scheduled session on March 21, which is why tonight’s session was held in an interrogation room at the Baltimore Police Department.

Dr. Christina Raynor
03/25/2024

Chapter Text

———

Dr. RAYNOR, Christina A.
Patient: Sgt. BARNES, James B. — DOB 03/10/1917

Session 6
Incoming number: (929) 746-0646 [cell phone registered to James B. Barnes]
Outgoing number: (212) 925-8945 [cell phone registered to Dr. Christina A. Raynor]
3:06 PM EDT
April 2, 2024

Transcript of recording as follows:

DR. CHRISTINA RAYNOR: Hello?

SGT. JAMES BARNES: Uh, hi, Doc.

RAYNOR: James! It’s good to hear from you.

BARNES: Um, is this a bad time? Can I, uh, talk to you? Professionally?

RAYNOR: I sort of figured that’s why you were calling, yes.

BARNES: Okay. I don’t really know how the billing is going to work since Walker cancelled our sessions, but if it’s not covered anymore I can just pay out of pocket, just—

RAYNOR: Relax, I told you that you can call me anytime. I’m just finishing lunch. As for billing, you’re still registered as my patient, even if we aren’t having regular sessions right now, and I believe your therapy is still covered by the government. Your appointments just aren’t legally required anymore. And my receptionist will sort out the billing if there’s any problem, she’s very good.

BARNES: Okay. So… this is okay? Talking right now?

RAYNOR: Yes, this is fine. Not that I’m not happy to chit-chat, but I take it there’s a reason you’re calling?

BARNES: I don’t, I don’t really know where to start.

RAYNOR: Okay, well, where are you right now? What’s John got you doing?

BARNES: Uh… God, you’re not gonna like this.

RAYNOR: Tell me.

BARNES: I’m in Madripoor, actually.

RAYNOR: Madri — that's the other side of the world! What time zone are you even in? Is John with you?

BARNES: Uh, it’s about 2 AM here, and he is really, really not. [Pause] It’s kind of a long story. Someone’s making super soldiers again, and Sam and I and — uh, another guy, we’re trying to track them down.

RAYNOR: Okay, well, my first question is, are you safe right now?

BARNES: I mean, what does that even mean—

RAYNOR: [Sighs] Are you in physical danger?

BARNES: No. Well, not at the moment.

RAYNOR: Okay, and are you somewhere you can speak candidly without being overheard?

BARNES: Yeah. I mean, I think so. If I know CIA types, Sharon’s probably got her guest rooms bugged. But it’s probably as private as I’m gonna get.

RAYNOR: Okay. So it sounds like you’re at a friend’s house in Madripoor?

BARNES: Uh, something like that, yeah. [Pause] Well, she was more of Steve’s friend. Girlfriend? She had to leave the country after the whole Sokovia Accords shitshow. She actually sells stolen art on the black market now, which, believe me, was kind of a curveball.

RAYNOR: Wow, uh, okay. Putting that whole can of worms aside, tell me what’s going on with you. You sound… shaken. Are you all right?

BARNES: [Pause] Am I—? Ha. Honestly, Doc, I... kind of have no idea how I am.

RAYNOR: Well, I’m guessing you wouldn’t be calling me in the middle of the night from halfway around the world if everything was peachy. Did something happen?

[Silence — eight seconds.]

BARNES: I… I don’t know where to begin.

RAYNOR: Start with something small.

BARNES: I — well, I got into a fight in a bar and almost killed a guy. A… few guys, actually.

RAYNOR: I said small, James!

BARNES: Yeah, um. In the grand scope of things, that is actually kind of small. There’s kind of… well, there’s a little more to the story.

RAYNOR: Oh, sweet Jesus. All right. Okay. I’m putting some coffee on, and you are going to tell me exactly what happened. [Quietly] I leave you alone for one goddamn week...

BARNES: [Sighs] Okay. Well, you ever hear about a guy named Zemo, Helmut Zemo?

RAYNOR: Please, I studied your file and personal history for three weeks straight after I was selected to work with you. Yes, I am unfortunately familiar with Baron Zemo and your history with him.

BARNES: Yeah, well, uh... he’s here.

RAYNOR: He’s what? I thought he was in prison!

BARNES: Um, yeah, about that...

RAYNOR: Jesus Christ, James—

BARNES: He’s… actually, he’s the third guy I mentioned. Working with me. And Sam. To track down the serum. He really doesn’t like super soldiers, so.

[Silence — six seconds.]

BARNES: Doc? Are you still there?

RAYNOR: Oh yes, believe me, James, I am here. [Pause] So. Why do I have the feeling that what you’ve told me so far is actually just the tip of the shit-iceberg?

BARNES: You’ve sure got a way with words, Doc.

RAYNOR: So I have been told. Tell me what’s going on, now.

BARNES: [inaudible]

RAYNOR: Come on, Barnes, I don’t have time for you to goddamn mumble at me.

BARNES: I kind of… well, to find out where the serum’s coming from, we had to get an audience with a local crime boss. And that wasn’t gonna happen if we didn’t have some… social pull. So we went in disguise. Zemo went as himself, but Sam had to dress up as some local fashion plate or something, and I… well—

RAYNOR: Please do not tell me what I think you are about to tell me.

BARNES: I had to, Doc. I wasn’t getting into the place otherwise. People know my face, I didn’t have any other—

RAYNOR: Are you seriously about to tell me that you’ve been — what, pretending like you’re the Winter Soldier again? In Madripoor, of all places?

BARNES: Y-yes, well, yeah.

[Silence — five seconds.]

BARNES: I know you’re not happy with me right now, but I’m going somewhere with this story, and it’s important, okay? [Quietly] Look, I can’t talk to anyone else about this.

RAYNOR: I honestly don’t even know what to say to you right now. [Pause] So. You walked into a bar, in Madripoor, with Baron Zemo and Sam Wilson. Please, James, I am dying to know, how exactly did that lead to you almost killing a bunch of people?

BARNES: [Quietly] Zemo told me to do it.

RAYNOR: Zemo... told you to do it.

BARNES: [Pause] Yeah.

RAYNOR: And you listened to him.

BARNES: [Quietly] Yeah.

RAYNOR: [Pause] James, I’m gonna need to put you on mute for a second.

[Silence — twenty-nine seconds.]

RAYNOR: Okay. I’m back. I’m good. I’m calm. So. Let me summarize what I’ve heard so far, just to make sure I understand this correctly—

BARNES: [Quietly] Oh, here we go—

RAYNOR: You dressed up as the Winter Soldier and beat the bajeezus out of more than a few civilians in a Madripoor bar while willingly acting under the command of someone who once hijacked your brain so he could break up the goddamn Avengers, successfully I might add, and you then walked into some crime boss’ lair while pretending to be enslaved by this man, who has also escaped from prison, where he was being kept for blowing up the UN and murdering the King of Wakanda and framing you for it. Oh, and you’re now being harboured by another fugitive who — let me just check my notes — makes a living trafficking stolen paintings. And that was all just tonight. Have I got all of that straight? Did I miss anything? Okay. Okay. [Pause] Okay, okay, okay—

BARNES: God, I knew you weren’t gonna take this well.

RAYNOR: My job, James, is to make sure you’re all right. And right now it is taking a lot of effort to focus on doing that, instead of on how much I’d like to rip a whole strip off your ass right now because of how, how bat-fuckingly insane this whole idea was, start to finish! I mean, Jesus, you’ve really outdone yourself this time—

BARNES: I know, I know this was all a bad idea, but—

RAYNOR: Do you, though? Do you have any idea how much you could lose as a result of what you’ve done? How much you may have already lost? What if someone saw you all dressed up as the Winter Soldier again, or recorded you attacking civilians in that bar? What if your actions, your little stunt playing like you’re Zemo’s personal pitbull, what if that got back to the government? The same people who I keep telling, “Oh, he’s fine, he’s no threat to anyone but himself”?

BARNES: Oh, so you have been reporting on me!

RAYNOR: Of course I have! You’re not stupid, James, you just enjoy acting like it.

BARNES: [Pause] Hang on, you think I’m a threat to myself? Is that what you’ve been going around telling people?

RAYNOR: First of all, in our very first session you told me you want to kill yourself. Don’t bullshit me.

BARNES: Okay, that’s… fair, actually.

RAYNOR: And of course I haven’t been “going around telling people”. I’ve been making discreet, classified reports. As you were well aware.

BARNES: Come on, go easy on me, Doc. I didn’t call you just to get yelled at. I’m… [Quietly] I don’t think I’m doing so good.

RAYNOR: [Sighs] I sort of gathered that. This is just... a lot to take in.

BARNES: Yeah, well, believe it or not, this is still just kind of the lead-up.

RAYNOR: Well, I’m listening. I might need some blood pressure medication by the end of this phone call, but James, I really am listening, and I am here for you. Okay?

BARNES: Thanks, Doc.

RAYNOR: So. Tell me what it is that you actually wanted to talk about.

BARNES: [Sighs] Zemo was doing the talking. He got us into the place. Led us in. The woman we were there to see, she was… really interested in me, right off the bat. She knew who I was, or I guess who she thought I was. And she had some information we needed. So. He proposed a trade.

RAYNOR: Oh, no. No, tell me he didn’t—

BARNES: Don’t worry, no, nothing happened. But Zemo sort of... offered me to her. Nothing happened, Doc, she didn't even get to lay a finger on me. She wound up dead about two minutes later, actually. Which was not any of our faults, by the way.

RAYNOR: Jesus, the life you lead. [Pause] You said this woman was... interested in you. So when you say Zemo "offered" you to her, what exactly do you mean?

BARNES: I — I don’t think I know what you mean.

RAYNOR: Yes, you do, you absolutely do know what I’m asking. What was the nature of this trade?

BARNES: Just something like, “You give us the information, I’ll give him to you and you’ll be able to make him do whatever you want.”

RAYNOR: I see. So there was an implication that you would be expected to… what? [Pause] Fine, I'll be blunt. Was there any sexual implication to this trade, James?

BARNES: I don’t know. [Pause] Maybe. I don’t know.

[Silence — six seconds.]

RAYNOR: James, I’m trying to be delicate here, because I know this is a very sensitive subject. But... you realize I have read and studied your file fully. Including all available reports from your time with HYDRA.

BARNES: What’s that supposed to mean?

RAYNOR: It means that I am aware that your… choices have not always been your own when it comes to your sexual life.

BARNES: You’ve — what? There are reports about—? Oh God. Okay, no, no, I am not talking about this. Not with you, not with anyone, okay? Fuck. For fuck’s sake.

RAYNOR: You weren’t aware of the—?

BARNES: No! No, I was not aware! Jesus Christ. Who has these reports? Where did you get them?

RAYNOR: They’re highly classified, James. And they weren’t part of the Black Widow Leak. I was only given access to them when I signed on as your therapist, after about a dozen levels of personal background checks and confidentiality agreements. All right?

BARNES: No. No, not fucking all right! Fuck’s sake. Were you ever gonna tell me about this?

RAYNOR: I was waiting until the subject came up naturally. Which, I guess, it has. [Quietly] I’m sorry. I realize you’re upset with me—

BARNES: Stop. I’m done. I don’t wanna talk about this.

RAYNOR: Okay. Okay. [Pause] So, let’s pull back a little bit and refocus. So, there you are in Madripoor, and Zemo tells this woman that he'll give you to her in exchange for information. Where’s Sam in all of this? While all this was happening, what was he doing, just standing around twiddling his thumbs?

BARNES: Sam wasn’t a real big fan of any of it. But it’s not like he had a choice. Don’t take it out on him, okay? He was just going along with my dumb ass. And my dumb ass was going along with Zemo’s even dumber ass.

RAYNOR: And you and Sam were both in disguise, you said. So I assume that going along with all of this, letting Zemo call the shots and not putting a stop to this, was part of the role Sam was playing too.

BARNES: It was for the mission. It was the only way we were getting that intel.

RAYNOR: So if I'm reading this correctly, in this situation Mr. Zemo had almost complete power over you again — maybe not with the control words, but power nonetheless. Power to make you act like the Winter Soldier, to make you do whatever he wanted, even to sell you, and you couldn’t stop him without ruining your mission. And your only ally in the situation wasn’t going to do anything about it either. [Pause] How did that make you feel?

BARNES: [Scoffs] Which part of it?

RAYNOR: Whichever part it is that’s making you call me from a couple of damn oceans away, James. How did it make you feel? Helpless? Angry? Betrayed? Tell me what’s going on. Talk to me. There's something else going on, isn't there? Why did you call me tonight?

[Silence — ten seconds.]

RAYNOR: James?

BARNES: [Quietly] I liked it.

RAYNOR: What?

BARNES: I liked it, Doc. I liked being told what to do. [Pause] Oh my God. I think I’m really fucked up.

RAYNOR: James, are… are you crying?

BARNES: It felt so good. It felt so good.

RAYNOR: Oh, James. Okay. Okay.

BARNES: I thought they fixed me. They said I wasn’t… but I liked it, why did I like it?

RAYNOR: Hold on. Hold on, okay? Let's think this over. Did you like being sold for information? Trafficked? When Zemo offered you to this woman, did you have any positive feelings about being treated that way, or about what might happen to you in her hands?

BARNES: No! No, Jesus, of course not.

RAYNOR: But some part of this experience felt good to you. So, let’s examine that. What was it that felt good?

BARNES: The bar. Someone laid a hand on Zemo and he just said, “Attack.” So... I did. Didn’t hesitate, didn’t think twice, even though I wanted to fucking kill him for making me. It felt so good, like I was… like I was doing what I’d been made for. But it was more than that. It was like I’d been carrying something heavy around for years and finally got to put it down. And I hadn’t even realized I was carrying it.

RAYNOR: So it felt good for you to relinquish control for a little while. To let someone else be responsible for your actions. That's a very powerful feeling, isn't it? Where do you think that comes from?

BARNES: I don't know. It's been so hard. So fucking hard. Trying to just live without someone telling me what to do. I... I know it's not normal. I can't explain it. Oh my God.

RAYNOR: It's all right, James. Breathe.

BARNES: [Quietly] Why — why am I like this, Doc?

RAYNOR: My professional opinion? [Sighs] You were tortured, conditioned, for years. I'm sorry to speak of it so bluntly, but you were. Damage was deliberately and repeatedly inflicted on some very important parts of your brain. And between that and the other kinds of abuse and behavioural conditioning, you experienced a, a, a total personality breakdown. From which you have recovered beautifully, James, I have to say.

BARNES: If I've recovered so goddamn well, then why does it...

RAYNOR: Why does it still feel good to be told what to do? [Pause] Well, think about it. You spent years being punished in the most brutal, inhumane ways for any kind of infraction — that is to say, anytime you resisted orders or acted under your own initiative. And you were rewarded, if I can call it that, for doing what you were told.

BARNES: But I'm not there anymore. It's been years since anyone...

RAYNOR: Yes, but our bodies, our brains, take a little longer to figure things out. That's what trauma recovery is all about. That's what I was telling you about, about PTSD, about how trauma leaves a sort of an imprint on our brains that makes us think we're still there. That those things are still happening. [Pause] You know, James, consciously, that you're not under HYDRA's control anymore. But even though you've escaped, your trauma was so severe and occurred for so long that now, even years later, your brain is still trying to figure out that you won't be punished for misbehaving. That you won't be rewarded for following orders. You were programmed to believe that you would be. Systematically programmed, to the point where maybe it's even Pavlovian. You associate obeying orders with feeling good, or at least with not being hurt.

BARNES: Okay, so, what do I do? [Sniffles] Can you... can you fix me?

RAYNOR: Well, you're doing a really good job of fixing yourself, actually. There's no quick fix for trauma. It just takes time. And patience.

BARNES: Well. Fuck.

RAYNOR: So say we all. [Pause] Oh, James.

BARNES: I was fine during the whole thing with Zemo. I was fine. I don’t know why I’m falling apart now.

RAYNOR: It's all right. You're safe. Take a minute to just breathe now, all right? You're safe, you're in control, it's just you and me.

BARNES: Well, maybe Sharon too, if she's listening in.

RAYNOR: If so, you need better friends.

BARNES: Ha, yeah, maybe.

[Silence — twenty-five seconds.]

RAYNOR: How are things now? It sounds like your breathing is a little steadier.

BARNES: Yeah, I'm good. Sorry. [Clears throat]

RAYNOR: You did really good tonight. I know we touched on some things that are really hard for you, including maybe some things you're not ready to talk about—

BARNES: Stop. Just... I can't go there.

RAYNOR: Okay. But this is why therapy is important, James. You can’t just walk this stuff off. I know that’s how men in the 1940s did things, but these days we know that just squishing your feelings down is not healthy. Especially not with the kinds of things you’ve been through. [Pause] Look, I know John cancelled the court order for our appointments going forward, but I’d like to continue talking to you on a regular basis, if you’re comfortable with that.

BARNES: Is that allowed?

RAYNOR: By who? Of course it’s allowed. Like I said before, it’s just not required anymore. [Pause] Actually, John’s just saved me a lot of paperwork. I won’t have to write formal reports on our sessions anymore.

BARNES: First good thing he’s done.

RAYNOR: Now, that’s not true. John’s an old colleague of mine and I can tell you, he’s a very good man.

BARNES: If you say so. Guy gives me the creeps, Doc. He’s a few stars short of the flag, you know what I mean?

RAYNOR: Well, I guess you’re entitled to your opinion. [Pause] Speaking of people who give you the creeps, I think you should distance yourself from Mr. Zemo as quickly as possible. Not only does he belong back in prison, but... well, given your history with him controlling you before, given what happened tonight and your reaction to his orders—

BARNES: Yeah, well, I don't think I have much of a choice about working with him at the moment. Not until the mission's done.

RAYNOR: Well, as your therapist, I am officially telling you that I want you far away from him. Like, a couple of continents away. And I'd also like you to spend some time over the next couple of days thinking about that feeling of relinquishing control, and why it feels good, and how you might be able to overcome that, or even how you might work it into your regular life in a healthy way. [Pause] How are you feeling now?

BARNES: I don’t know. Sort of empty. [Pause] I'm real sorry about all of this. God, I'm a fucking mess right now. I don't usually...

RAYNOR: I know you don't. It means a lot that you called me, James. And that you were able to tell me about some of the things you're feeling. I'm very glad you did. Even if I do still sort of want to hit you upside the head.

BARNES: [Laughs] Get in line.

RAYNOR: Speaking of people I want to hit upside the head, where’s Sam right now?

BARNES: I think he’s in his guest room down the hall. [Pause] If you want to talk to him, I mean, I guess — but I’d kind of appreciate if maybe this could stay between—

RAYNOR: What? No, no, our conversations are confidential. Nothing you tell me will ever go to Sam without your consent. Ever. But if he's awake, I think you should go talk to him. Maybe even if he's not awake. I don’t think you should be alone right now.

BARNES: Okay.

RAYNOR: Okay. And then you should probably try to get some sleep, all right?

BARNES: Yeah, I guess. [Pause] Also, Sharon, if you’re listening to any of this, fuck you.

RAYNOR: [Laughs] Okay, James. Text me tomorrow and let’s set up a time for our next appointment, all right? I know you're travelling right now, so we can do a Zoom or FaceTime appointment if you need to. Or we can just talk over the phone again like this.

BARNES: Okay. Night, Doc. And, um. Thanks. For all of this.

RAYNOR: It was my pleasure. Goodnight, James.

End of transcript.

Chapter Text

———

Supplementary Material #2: Security camera audio transcript
435 Sungei Blvd., Hightown, Madripoor
Primary residence, Sharon Catherine Carter

Hallway camera 14 / South wing / Floor 3
Begin audio transcript: 3:04 AM 04/03/2024

[Knocking]

BUCKY BARNES: Sam. Sam. Hey. You up?

[Door opening]

SAM WILSON: Whuh? What’s going on?

BARNES: Relax, you’re fine. You’re safe, you’re fine, put that away. Nothing’s going on. [Pause] Shit, you really were asleep.

WILSON: Yeah, no duh. It’s… Jesus, it’s three in the morning. Why aren’t you?

[Silence — six seconds.]

BARNES: It’s nothing. I'm fine. Go back to sleep.

WILSON: Bucky. Hey, Bucky. Get your ass back here.

BARNES: I said it’s nothing.

WILSON: Hey. Hey. You okay?

BARNES: What? Yeah, I said I'm fine.

WILSON: [Sighs] Get in here, man.

Interior camera 26 / Guest room 3
Audio transcript continued:

WILSON: Sit. Come on, sit your ass down.

[Silence — five seconds.]

WILSON: So? Come on, man, spit it out. I didn’t invite you in so we could paint each other’s nails. Is it Zemo? Did he do something to you? [Pause] Oh, he did, didn’t he. I’ma kick his furry ass. What'd he say to you—

BARNES: No, it’s nothing, it’s fine. He didn’t do anything. Just… go back to sleep.

WILSON: Well I can’t go back to sleep while you’re all…!

BARNES: While I’m all what?

WILSON: With the big sad puppy eyes!

BARNES: I don’t have puppy eyes.

WILSON: I’m looking right at them, dude. [Pause] Okay. I am going to ask one more time, and then I’m kicking you out and getting back into these ridiculously nice sheets before they get cold. [Pause] Are. You. Good.

BARNES: I… I don’t know.

WILSON: I kinda figured. [Pause] Tonight was a lot.

BARNES: Yeah.

WILSON: Like, a lot.

BARNES: [Quietly] Yeah.

WILSON: You wanna talk about it?

BARNES: Actually, I kinda just spent the last hour on the phone with Raynor. So I’m pretty much talked out.

WILSON: You did? Wow, man. That’s… I didn’t see that coming.

BARNES: What. Don’t look at me like that, what.

WILSON: Hey, if either of us has reason to be cranky right now, it’s me. I claim that right. You woke me up.

BARNES: [Sighs] I know. I’m sorry, I should—

WILSON: That’s great, man.

BARNES: What?

WILSON: Just… you, talking to someone. Without it being literally court-ordered. That’s really great.

BARNES: Yeah, well.

WILSON: Hey, you want a beer? This mini-fridge is crazy.

BARNES: [Sighs] God, yes.

WILSON: What do you want? I don’t even know what half of these are.

BARNES: Um, this one is decent.

WILSON: “Tiger Beer”. Uh, you know what, I think I’ve had enough of tiger-related shit for tonight.

BARNES: Fair enough. Try this one.

WILSON: Cheers.

BARNES: Ganbei.

WILSON: Pfft, show-off.

[Silence — twelve seconds.]

WILSON: You think Zemo’s creepy old butler is gonna get mad at me if I burn that Smiling Tiger suit?

BARNES: You’re probably safe, I think his days of throwing punches are behind him.

WILSON: Good, because I am taking that thing back home to Louisiana and I’m gonna throw it in a fucking bonfire. Those fucking shoes too. I’m talking, like, a nice big bonfire on the beach. Like, cleanse the Earth of its evil. Maybe we’ll roast hot dogs over it, do some s’mores for the kids—

BARNES: [Laughs] Sounds nice. [Pause] Wait, you have kids?

WILSON: Oh, hell no. My sister’s kids. My nephews.

BARNES: Oh, that's nice. [Pause] You going back there after this?

WILSON: After this is all wrapped up, yeah. I got some things to take care of. We’ve got this boat, old family fishing boat. My sister wants to sell it, but... it’s like selling a family member. Just feels wrong, you know?

BARNES: That sounds hard.

WILSON: Yeah. We grew up on that thing. You come down to Delacroix sometime, maybe I’ll show you if it’s still there.

BARNES: I hope it is.

WILSON: How about you? Still in Brooklyn?

BARNES: Yeah.

WILSON: Must be weird.

BARNES: Oh yeah.

WILSON: I go back to Delacroix, and it’s this sleepy little town where everyone’s up in each other’s business and the whole place is living about forty years behind the rest of the world, and I still feel like too much has changed from when I was a kid. Can’t imagine what it’s like for you, going back to your old stomping grounds after… everything.

BARNES: It’s — I can’t describe it. So much is different, but you get these weird little pockets where time hasn’t really moved that much. Like, oh hey, these buildings are still there, still got my first girlfriend's initials carved in the brick. Hey, there’s that alleyway where Steve got his nose busted by three guys from the grade below us, still looks the same. Nathan’s Hot Dogs. Coney Island. This Italian deli my mom used to like. But even they’ve changed, and they’re just pieces. Everything else, well…

WILSON: I feel you. You thought about going anywhere else?

BARNES: I don’t think there is anywhere else, you know?

WILSON: Yeah, man. I get it.

[Silence — thirty-five seconds.]

WILSON: Hey man, you wanna stay here tonight?

BARNES: Only if you paint my nails.

WILSON: Ha, very funny. [Pause] I mean it. If you don’t wanna be alone right now, you can just hang out here. Take the couch. It’s nicer than, like, half the hotel beds I ever stayed in.

BARNES: I... don’t know. Don’t think that would be the greatest idea.

WILSON: Why? I don’t snore. Do you snore?

BARNES: I’m… not the best person to sleep near. [Pause] Not really safe. To be around.

WILSON: Oh.

BARNES: Yeah.

WILSON: I had that too, for a while, after Afghanistan. Woke up shouting for a while. I've been there.

BARNES: Yeah, well. At least you weren’t likely to turn someone's skull into paste if you woke up swinging.

WILSON: Fair. But hey, Bucky? I’m not afraid of you.

BARNES: Must be losing my edge. That or you aren’t as smart as you’re cracked up to be.

WILSON: Take the couch, man.

BARNES: Come on, Sam—

WILSON: Just give it a try. How you ever gonna trust yourself if you don’t give yourself a chance?

BARNES: [Sighs]

WILSON: Here, take some pillows, there are like twenty of them on this insane bed.

BARNES: [Pause] Maybe... just for a while. It’s probably better to stay close by, right? Unfamiliar territory and all.

WILSON: Yeah. Just in case we get attacked by bounty hunters again or Zemo starts sniffing around your room or whatever.

BARNES: Safety in numbers.

WILSON: Basic survival strategy.

BARNES: Exactly.

WILSON: Night, Buck.

BARNES: Night, Sam.

End audio transcript.

Chapter Text

———

Text thread
04/03/2024
Incoming number: (929) 746-0646 [cell phone registered to James B. Barnes]
Outgoing number: (212) 925-8945 [cell phone registered to Dr. Christina A. Raynor]

DR. CHRISTINA RAYNOR
So, session this week?

SGT. JAMES BARNES
Not sure where I’ll be.
Getting on a plane for Latvia right now.

RAYNOR
Latvia??

BARNES
Chasing down a lead in Riga.

RAYNOR
Zemo still with you?

BARNES
Unfortunately.

RAYNOR
you need to put him back where he belongs. ASAP
For your own sake
Read at 10:32 AM

RAYNOR
He can’t be that important

BARNES
We need him.

RAYNOR
I am not comfortable with you being around him
Read at 12:10 PM

RAYNOR
Stop ignoring me James
I can see when you read my messages
PLEASE listen to me

BARNES
It’s just the way it has to be for now.

RAYNOR
Fine. Compromise: TWO sessions with me this week
You pick the time, I will clear my schedule
No excuses

James Barnes is typing…

BARNES
Can’t I just talk to Sam instead? He used to be a counsellor.
Or something

RAYNOR
After what you told me happened in Madripoor, I am not convinced Sam will stand up for you against Zemo
So no
Also, Sam is ur friend. U can’t have a professional relationship with him. Not how it works

BARNES
Fine.
Tomorrow’s probably good if that’s ok for you.
But things are moving fast here. I don’t know what time I’ll be free.

RAYNOR
Looking up the time difference w Latvia right now
You will be 7 hours ahead of me. Not too hard to work around

BARNES
Maybe tomorrow afternoon?

RAYNOR
Let’s say 1 PM Latvia time tomorrow.
If u r too busy w hero stuff, text and we will reschedule :)
No excuses

BARNES
Fine.

RAYNOR
Don’t sound so enthusiastic.
Have a nice flight

BARNES
Thanks Dr.

———

Dr. RAYNOR, Christina A.
Patient: Sgt. BARNES, James B. — DOB 03/10/1917

Session 7
Conducted by Dr. Christina A. Raynor
Incoming number: (929) 746-0646 [cell phone registered to James B. Barnes]
Outgoing number: (212) 925-8945 [cell phone registered to Dr. Christina A. Raynor]
6:01 AM EDT 04/04/2024

Transcript of phone call as follows:

BARNES: Hi, Doc.

RAYNOR: James. How was your flight?

BARNES: Fine.

RAYNOR: Mm. Aren’t you chipper today.

BARNES: I’m fine.

RAYNOR: And what’s Latvia like? Is it “fine” too?

BARNES: It’s… nice, actually. Riga’s pretty. [Pause] Isn’t it really early for you?

RAYNOR: Didn’t I tell you I’d make it work? I had to get up to let the dog out anyway. It’s fine, I’m a morning person.

BARNES: [Sighs] Of course you are.

RAYNOR: And how are things with Sam and Mr. Zemo?

BARNES: They’re—

RAYNOR: Don’t say fine.

BARNES: They are fine. Well, as fine as they can be, I guess.

RAYNOR: What on Earth are you doing in Latvia, anyway?

BARNES: We’re trying to track down a terrorist. Girl named Karli Morgenthau.

RAYNOR: Jesus, that’s who you’re after? She’s all over the news, that explosion—

BARNES: Yup. It’s getting ugly. Her mentor died here in Riga a few days ago and Sam figures there’s gonna be a big funeral or some kind of community get-together, so…

RAYNOR: Tell me you’re not going to ambush her at her friend’s funeral, James.

BARNES: Not ambush. Just… she’s dangerous, Doc, and slippery. She’s got the serum. She’s taken it. I’ve already had one run-in with her, didn’t exactly go well.

RAYNOR: She beat you in a fight?

BARNES: [Sighs] She’s a super soldier, why is that so surprising?

RAYNOR: A young woman beat the former Winter Soldier and that isn’t surprising to you?

BARNES: No.

RAYNOR: Interesting.

BARNES: What. [Pause] What is interesting.

RAYNOR: Was Sam there during this fight? What did he think?

BARNES: I have no idea, we didn’t really talk about it.

RAYNOR: Interesting.

BARNES: Stop saying that.

RAYNOR: You were pulling your punches, weren’t you.

BARNES: [Sighs] Are you just figuring that out?

RAYNOR: Watch your tone, James.

BARNES: Sorry. [Pause] Yes, fine, I might have been pulling my punches when I fought her.

RAYNOR: Why? This girl is dangerous, you’ve told me — enhanced, a terrorist—

BARNES: Because — look, I have a fist made of vibranium and enough strength to put it through a concrete wall without blinking, okay? You wanna know how many cell phones and door knobs I’ve crushed by accident? Morgenthau is a problem, but I don’t wanna accidentally put my fist through her skull! I don’t — I don’t wanna kill anyone, period.

RAYNOR: I see. [Pause] You find yourself in a lot of combat situations. If you did kill someone, even if it was by accident, how would that make you feel?

BARNES: Come on, how would anyone feel? [Pause] I don’t wanna talk about this.

RAYNOR: James, I know this is a sore subject. And it sounds like you’ve been holding onto a lot of fear about this.

BARNES: Wow, Doc, I knew you got all those fancy degrees on your wall for a reason.

RAYNOR: Don’t sass me when I’m trying to help you, Barnes. It’s unbecoming. And I know you well enough by now to know that you’re only trying to deflect. Now, bear with me. You killed a lot of people while you were under HYDRA’s control. Are you also afraid that killing again, even by accident, might cause you to relapse? Fall back into your programming, even?

BARNES: The programming is gone.

RAYNOR: Even so, do you think accidentally killing someone might drive you back into a… well, a headspace that you’ve worked hard to get out of? What about the feelings you’re having even now? Guilt? Fear, fear of yourself? Fear of what you might be capable of, even now?

BARNES: [Quietly] Doc, please. I can’t do this today.

RAYNOR: You’re doing fine, just bear with me a little longer. I guess what I’m asking is: Do you feel it’s safe for you to put yourself in combat situations, knowing it might be extremely traumatic for you to kill someone, even if it was by accident?

BARNES: What, are you suggesting I retire?

RAYNOR: I’m suggesting you consider making your mental health and recovery your top priority.

BARNES: What, what do you want me to do? Move to Florida, learn to garden? While Sam gets his unenhanced ass kicked? I can’t do that, Doc.

RAYNOR: It’s something to consider. Just consider it, all right?

BARNES: I’ve considered it. It ain’t happening.

RAYNOR: Fine. [Pause] What’s going on with you today, James? You sound… well, I’ll be generous and say “irritable”.

BARNES: [Sighs] Sorry, Doc. I just… I kinda got a lot going on right now.

RAYNOR: Is this a bad time?

BARNES: No, no, it’s good. And I… I do appreciate this, Doc. You’re real patient for putting up with me, probably more than I deserve. And I know therapy is important. And I’m trying. Just… I’ve got a lot on my mind. [Quietly] I think I’ve kind of fucked some things up.

RAYNOR: Do you want to talk about that instead? Talking it out might help. And that is what I’m sort of here for.

BARNES: [Pause] Actually, you know what? Yeah. Yeah, I think that might be good.

RAYNOR: Okay, so — what do you think you’ve fucked up?

BARNES: [Sighs] It’s the Wakandans. They’re pissed.

RAYNOR: And why are they pissed?

BARNES: Zemo. And my involvement with him. [Sighs] And I… may have had something to do with his escape from prison.

RAYNOR: Oh, for—! I knew it, I goddamn knew it.

BARNES: I mean, he got himself out, technically. But I might have sort of... kickstarted things for him to make it easier. [Pause] Come on, Doc, can you give me a break? Take a chunk outta me later if you have to, just let me get this out first.

RAYNOR: [Sighs] By all means, continue.

BARNES: So I helped him get out, and we’ve been working together. And the Wakandans, who kinda have a lot of skin in the game when it comes to Zemo and what he’s done to them, tracked us down in Latvia this morning. They sent the Dora Milaje to find us — that’s their elite guard, special forces. And just to make it even better, it’s people I knew, people who looked after me and protected me when I was in Wakanda. Friends.

RAYNOR: And you say they’re angry. Are they angry with you?

BARNES: Oh, yeah. Bigtime. And they’re not just angry. They’re… hurt, I guess. Betrayed. I mean, can’t really blame them.

RAYNOR: You sound very… bleak when you say that.

BARNES: [Sighs] The royal family, the Dora — I mean, these are the best people you can imagine, the most honourable, the most generous. People who — who bent over backwards for me, who took me in when I was hurt and in danger and dangerous, when I had literally nothing to offer them in return. They healed me, they gave me the only peaceful couple of years I can remember since before World War fucking Two. Gave me so much. And I threw it all back in their fucking faces.

RAYNOR: Why?

BARNES: Because when you dangle a mission in front of me, I can’t see anything else! And that’s the Winter Soldier for you. That’s one of the parts I can’t fucking dig out.

RAYNOR: Okay. Okay. I can hear you’re getting worked up, and that’s healthy, James, it’s good to let yourself have these feelings. Okay. But what if we looked at it another way?

BARNES: Looked at what? How?

RAYNOR: You say that this single-mindedness is a holdover from your programming as the Winter Soldier. But maybe it’s something else.

BARNES: What else could it be?

RAYNOR: Well, you tell me. When that mission gets dangled in front of you, as you say, you feel excited about it? You begin to work on it in your mind, planning it out, thinking of what you’ll need to do?

BARNES: Is that a question?

RAYNOR: Yes.

BARNES: Then — yeah, of course I do.

RAYNOR: Why?

BARNES: I… I dunno. It’s what I’m supposed to do.

RAYNOR: Think about it.

BARNES: But—

RAYNOR: Actually take a minute and think about it.

BARNES: I—

RAYNOR: Zip! Quiet thinking now.

[Silence — fifteen seconds.]

BARNES: You gonna let me talk now?

RAYNOR: If you have an answer.

BARNES: [Sigh] Okay. So, I get focused on a mission because… because I wanna complete it, because it feels good.

RAYNOR: We’ve established that. Why does it feel good to work on a mission, or to complete it?

BARNES: I… because I’m supposed to.

RAYNOR: And why are you supposed to?

BARNES: Because of what you told me! Because of this, this Pavlovian thing where following orders feels good!

RAYNOR: But you’re not following orders. There’s no one giving you orders, is there? Does Sam give you orders? Did he show up at your door and tell you you were going on a mission with him?

BARNES: Well, no—

RAYNOR: So is it unreasonable to say that you are the one giving yourself the mission?

BARNES: I — I don’t know.

RAYNOR: And if it is you, if you are the one who is assigning yourself the mission — what is the purpose of fulfilling these missions? Why do you do this work? Why are you out there with Sam right now?

BARNES: Because super soldiers running amok isn’t good for anybody. I’m just... just trying to unfuck the world, Doc.

RAYNOR: And does that sound like something the Winter Soldier would do?

BARNES: I… [sighs]. No, kind of the opposite, I guess. So what are you suggesting?

RAYNOR: I’m suggesting that your single-minded focus on the mission isn’t some leftover fragment of the Winter Soldier. It’s you, James. It’s your desperation to make up for the damage you’ve done. It’s all you.

[Silence — five seconds.]

BARNES: [Quietly] Oh.

RAYNOR: Am I right?

BARNES: You don’t have to sound so damn pleased with yourself.

RAYNOR: [Laughs] And that is why I have all those degrees on my wall.

BARNES: So I guess I’m even more of an asshole because I can’t just blame it on the Winter Soldier. Great.

RAYNOR: Well, identifying these habits is the first step towards being able to control them. [Pause] I wanted to talk about… the other night, the things you told me. I should have checked earlier, but where are you? Can you speak freely?

BARNES: I’m in a guest bedroom in Zemo’s vacation home, which is the closest we’ve got to a base of operations on this sideshow tour. Zemo is stupid rich, by the way. You should see the stained glass, it’s real nice.

RAYNOR: And are you certain he doesn’t have the room bugged?

BARNES: I checked, but it’s possible. Not putting anything past him. [Sighs] Shit. Let me take this outside. Just in case. [Pause] [Muffled] Sam, I’m going out. Keep an eye on Zemo.

SAM WILSON: Where you going? You good?

BARNES: Yeah, just taking a call.

WILSON: Uh-huh. Say hi to the doc for me.

BARNES: Yup.

[Silence — twenty-five seconds.]

BARNES: Okay. I’m across the street, no one around, should be good to talk.

RAYNOR: I’d like to talk some more about your experience the other night in the bar, with Zemo.

BARNES: Oh. Great. [Pause] We can’t just… forget that ever happened?

RAYNOR: Very funny.

BARNES: Well, it was worth a shot.

RAYNOR: So, I was going back over my notes from some of our earlier sessions.

BARNES: Great.

RAYNOR: I can hear you squirming, James. Relax.

BARNES: [Sighs]

RAYNOR: I noticed that you’ve previously expressed a very strong discomfort with feeling, as we put it at the time, disempowered. That is, having someone else control your life and your choices and actions.

BARNES: Oh. Yeah.

RAYNOR: And yet when we spoke on the phone the other afternoon — well, the other night for you, when you were in Madripoor — it sounded like being given orders by Zemo had been an extremely positive feeling. That it was a relief to let someone else take the reins for a while. So. My question for you is, what do you think was the difference? What changed for you? What was it that made being ordered around by Zemo such a relief?

[Silence — 8 seconds.]

RAYNOR: James?

BARNES: Well, he did it to me before.

RAYNOR: So you think you might, what, feel more comfortable obeying him?

BARNES: I don’t know.

RAYNOR: You don’t like that question, do you.

BARNES: The thought that maybe I’m primed to obey him, of all people, doesn’t really make me all warm and fuzzy inside, no. But… you want me to be honest?

RAYNOR: You know I do.

BARNES: I... I don’t even know if there was a difference. Whether it made a difference that it was Zemo.

RAYNOR: Can you tell me more about that?

BARNES: God, I don’t have the words for this. ‘Cause you’re not wrong, Doc. It gets under my skin, being told what to do. And maybe that’s because…

RAYNOR: Because you’ve had so little control over your life and your actions for so long, like you said in our previous session?

BARNES: Maybe.

RAYNOR: Or because we know now that some part of you likes it, which makes you afraid, and that fear is being expressed as anger?

BARNES: [Sighs] I don’t know. Both, I guess.

RAYNOR: So, when you got short with me about this topic a couple of sessions ago, was that defensiveness? On some level, even before the incident with Zemo in Madripoor, do you think you were maybe aware of how good it would feel to be told what to do, and you were protecting yourself by getting angry when you felt your autonomy was threatened?

BARNES: God, that’s a lot. I don’t know. I don’t— [Pause] Shit, hold on a sec. [Muffled] What are you doing out here?

COL. HELMUT ZEMO: This is my house, James. My front steps. I’m simply enjoying my coffee and taking the air—

BARNES: Get the fuck back inside.

ZEMO: I think you’ll find—

BARNES: We both know what you’re doing out here and it has nothing to do with the air. Get. Inside. [Pause] Doc, can I call you back?

RAYNOR: Why don’t we just call it for today. Text me later in the week when you’ve got time for another session, all right?

BARNES: Thanks. [Shouting] Sam! I told you to watch him!

WILSON: [Distant] I ain’t his babysitter!

BARNES: For fuck’s sake—

End of transcript.

———

Chapter Text

Text thread
04/05/2024
Incoming number: (929) 746-0646 [cell phone registered to James B. Barnes]
Outgoing number: (212) 925-8945 [cell phone registered to Dr. Christina A. Raynor]

DR. CHRISTINA RAYNOR
What happened???
I just saw the news
It said it happened in Riga
U with John rn?
Are u n Sam ok?

SGT. JAMES BARNES
I told you Walker was a nutcase
I ducking called it

RAYNOR
Not helping
>:(
U okay?

BARNES
Yes. Sam and I had to take Walker down though.
He’s fucking certifiable.
He’s taken the sermon
*Serum
Autocorrect is the worst thing about this century

RAYNOR
You fought John????? Before or after the incident on the news?
U n Sam ok?
Is he ok?
John took the serum???
!!!!
What the hell is happening over there Barnes

BARNES
Incident? Nice way to put it.
It was afterwards. We went after him & disarmed him & Sam got the shield back.
Maybe don’t tell anyone that part please.

RAYNOR
Wait what
Sam WHAT

BARNES
It had to be done.

RAYNOR
Oh we are definitely going to speak about this later
So you’re both ok?
U and Sam

BARNES
Nothing I can’t sleep off. Sam’s fine.
Wings got trashed though.
He’s pretty broken up about it.

RAYNOR
And John?

BARNES
He’ll live.
I don’t know how close you two are, but if Walker calls or contacts you DO NOT ENGAGE
He’s not safe to be around.
Please

RAYNOR
Thank u for the warning. We’re not that close, I don’t imagine he would reach out to me
Let’s talk ASAP. U and Sam still in Latvia?

BARNES
Tying up loose ends. Probably leaving tomorrow.

RAYNOR
What time is it there?

BARNES
1900

RAYNOR
Can I call in an hour?
FaceTime ok?

BARNES
Yes, that works.
Talk to you then.

RAYNOR
Tty soon
Be safe

———

Session 8
Conducted by Dr. Christina A. Raynor
Incoming number: (929) 746-0646 [cell phone registered to James B. Barnes]
Outgoing number: (212) 925-8945 [cell phone registered to Dr. Christina A. Raynor]
1:06 PM EDT 04/05/2024

Transcript of FaceTime call as follows:

SGT. JAMES BARNES: Hi, Doc.

DR. CHRISTINA RAYNOR: James. Oh, my God, look at you—

BARNES: It’s fine, hey, I’m fine. We’re both fine.

RAYNOR: Did John do that to you?

BARNES: I’d say you should see the other guy, but he’s your friend, so…

RAYNOR: Former colleague.

BARNES: Wow, chilly.

RAYNOR: The John Walker I knew back in Kandahar wouldn’t have — well, I don’t think he would have done a lot of the things he’s done in the last 24 hours.

BARNES: Yeah, well, you’re not alone in feeling that way. Whole world’s kind of shaken up over it.

RAYNOR: The news is going rabid.

BARNES: Yup. Sam and I are both getting the hell outta Riga before any reporters track us down.

RAYNOR: Has someone had a look at you? Those bruises—

BARNES: I’m fine.

RAYNOR: Don’t be an idiot, James. If that’s what your face looks like, I don’t want to picture the rest of you. Go get yourself patched up, we can talk later.

BARNES: [Sighs] I’m real tired, Doc. Please don’t pick a fight with me right now.

RAYNOR: Then don’t make it a fight. I just want you to—

BARNES: I’ll heal. Super soldier, remember? Give me a couple days and I’ll be good as new.

RAYNOR: Uh-huh. And this has nothing to do with you avoiding needles and white coats at all costs.

BARNES: Come on, Doc. I’m asking you real nicely to leave it alone, okay?

RAYNOR: Fine. Put your big sad eyes away. But we will talk about this another time when you look less like you’ve been hit by a train. [Pause] And how’s Sam?

BARNES: He’ll be hurting for a few days, but he got lucky. Nothing broken.

RAYNOR: Do you think John was maybe pulling his punches?

BARNES: [Sighs] I know what you wanna hear, but… I don’t think so, Doc. The look in his eyes…

RAYNOR: Jesus.

BARNES: Yeah. [Pause] So, are you calling me for a session, or just to check in?

RAYNOR: A little of each, if I’m being honest. What happened today — that was…

BARNES: Yeah.

RAYNOR: It was obscene.

BARNES: You’re telling me.

RAYNOR: To use the shield that way — even just the, the symbolism of what he did to that poor man—

BARNES: You’re kind of preaching to the choir here, Doc.

RAYNOR: [Sighs] I’m sorry. I’m just shaken up. I should be letting you vent, not the other way around.

BARNES: It’s okay. Believe me, I know how you feel.

RAYNOR: You actually seem surprisingly okay with all of this. I know that shield means a lot to you.

BARNES: [Sighs] Yeah. It does.

RAYNOR: It can’t have been easy to watch it being used that way.

BARNES: Honestly? It was — well, yeah, at the time it was fucked up to see, but...

RAYNOR: But?

BARNES: But the shield’s back in safe hands. And now the world sees what I saw.

RAYNOR: That John Walker isn’t worthy of being Captain America?

BARNES: That no one can ever replace Steve Rogers. And it’s stupid for them to try.

RAYNOR: Hell of a way for them to find out, though.

BARNES: Wouldn’t have been my first choice either. But here we are.

RAYNOR: That’s… pragmatic, I guess. It really seems to have really gone from zero to sixty pretty fast over there.

BARNES: God, yeah. Shit really hit the fan since the last time we talked. Uh, let’s see — the Wakandans showed up again, tried to take Zemo, but they got in a scrap with Walker over him and somehow in the middle of it Zemo managed to disappear—

RAYNOR: Wait, so Zemo’s out of the picture now?

BARNES: For now.

RAYNOR: Well, that’s something, at least. What else?

BARNES: Well, Sam tried to talk Karli down at that funeral and I guess it didn’t go so great, ‘cause afterwards she called his family in Louisiana and threatened them—

RAYNOR: Jesus!

BARNES: And then there was this whole fuck-up with John and Lemar — that was his partner, the one who got killed.

RAYNOR: Yes, that part I saw on the news. God. John must be heartbroken.

BARNES: I’d be less worried about his heart and more worried about his brain. How much do you know about the serum?

RAYNOR: The basics from your file. And from high school history.

BARNES: [Pause] Why would they tell you about the serum in high school history class?

RAYNOR: They tell us about you in high school history class.

BARNES: They what?

RAYNOR: You know I wrote an essay on the Howling Commandos for AP History, way back in the day? But it was mostly about Jones and Morita and their influence on the civil rights movement. Sorry.

BARNES: You’re dropping this on me now? They study me and Steve and the guys in high school?

RAYNOR: Enjoy your celebrity, Barnes.

BARNES: Yeah, thanks, I’ve had my fill already. It was weird enough seeing a museum exhibit about me. Wow. Jesus. [Pause] Where was I going with this?

RAYNOR: The serum?

BARNES: Right. So, the serum sort of amplifies you, right? Not just physical strength, but your personality. Makes everything about you more intense.

RAYNOR: Right. I read that.

BARNES: Well, it does that to the good parts of you and the bad. So whatever was wrong with Walker before — now it’s really, really wrong.

RAYNOR: So that's your justification for beating up Captain America and taking his shield?

BARNES: Oh, come on, it wasn’t like you’re making it sound! I mean, technically we were getting a murder weapon away from a guy who’d just killed someone with it.

RAYNOR: God, I honestly don’t know what to say. [Pause] Oh, stop cringing, Barnes, I’m actually not upset with you.

BARNES: You’re not?

RAYNOR: Even if I were, you don’t answer to me. I’m your therapist. Not your handler, not your mom. You’re not going to be punished, at least not by me. All right?

BARNES: [Sighs] Yeah.

RAYNOR: Looking at your face, I kind of get the feeling I should be telling you that more often.

BARNES: Is it bad that half the time I’m talking to you, I kinda feel like I’m about to get rapped on the knuckles? I went to a school run by Catholic nuns, which in hindsight was actually a pretty good primer for HYDRA.

RAYNOR: [Snorts] I promise to keep my ruler in my desk.

BARNES: I can live with that.

RAYNOR: But to be serious for a moment, James, I do want to reiterate that I’m here to help you recover, not to police your behaviour. Although I realize that as your therapist, I am somewhat in a position of power over you. Which is probably uncomfortable for you, given your history with… authority.

BARNES: It’s getting better. Probably since it’s not legally required for me to talk to you anymore.

RAYNOR: Well, that makes me even more glad that you agreed to continue our sessions. And I’d like to think we’re developing a pretty good rapport. [Pause] Going back to the serum for a second — what about you?

BARNES: What?

RAYNOR: You were given the serum too. And as you said, the serum changes you, amplifies you. What do you think it did to you?

BARNES: I have no idea. I dunno.

RAYNOR: Haven’t you ever thought about it?

BARNES: I mean, I guess, but... I got a different version from Steve, so it’s hard to say what it did. It didn’t even change me physically that much. My shoulders probably filled out a bit, and I think I did get a couple inches taller, but it happened slowly and we were fighting a war, so I don’t think anyone even really noticed. It wasn’t like what happened to Steve. From what I heard, they just put him in a box and shot him full of lasers or something and he stepped out like that a minute later, presto change-o.

RAYNOR: I’m not talking about physical changes though, James. How do you think it changed you inside? Your personality?

[Silence — five seconds.]

BARNES: I dunno. It’s hard to say. I mean, before I died there was about a year, I guess — but I was being sent on these crazy missions with the Commandos, and everyone acts a little weird on the front lines of a war, y’know? And at the time I didn’t even know. I had no idea exactly what they’d been doing to me on that table in that lab when Steve found me. I still don’t. And I definitely didn’t know that it was the serum. So if there were any personality changes, we all would have just written them off as being shellshock or stress or whatever. And then… well, then I was with HYDRA, and I didn’t have a personality. [Pause] And afterwards, after I got free… I guess I haven’t had that much time to be me, you know? I’m still kind of figuring all of this out as I go.

RAYNOR: I’m interested in something you just said, James. You said “before I died”. Is that how you think of it?

BARNES: How else am I supposed to think of it?

RAYNOR: It’s just an odd turn of phrase, considering that you didn’t die. You survived that fall from the train.

BARNES: [Sighs] I don’t think of it like… well, to the world, I died from the fall. So that’s what I meant. Although it’d probably be more accurate to say that I died in a cell somewhere under Siberia about six months later.

RAYNOR: [Quietly] You mean that you broke?

BARNES: I mean that the last part of me that was worth anything finally gave up the fucking ghost. Whatever was left after that wasn’t much of anything. Just a tool. Something to be used.

[Silence — five seconds.]

RAYNOR: It kind of feels like we’ve stumbled into a hornets’ nest here. You’ve got a lot of feelings about this.

BARNES: Sorry. Just… God. I don’t wanna talk about this. Can we talk about something else?

RAYNOR: Just bear with me, okay? This is what therapy is about. I’m not just here to catch up with you and gossip about John Walker, I’m here to walk you through the hard stuff.

BARNES: [Sighs] Okay.

RAYNOR: Okay. Okay. [Pause] Let’s look at this objectively. You were a prisoner of war. You’d lost an arm, you were being tortured, drugged, beaten, experimented on — not to mention other things, other acts against you, which we’ve said we won’t talk about until you’re ready. If these things had happened to someone else — if they’d happened to Steve, would you be ashamed of him the way you seem to be ashamed of yourself?

BARNES: I can see what you’re trying to do, Doc, but it ain’t like that. For one thing, Steve would never have let them.

RAYNOR: He would never have let them what?

BARNES: Any of it, any of it, Jesus—!

RAYNOR: You’re not breathing, James. Just take a minute—

BARNES: He’d never have let them. Those things. Any of it.

RAYNOR: [Sighs] Everyone breaks under torture. Everyone. You know that. And all that time, HYDRA was actively trying to break you down psychologically by any means available to them — beyond the bounds of normal torture, if I can even call it that. They were trying to erase your personality, your memories. Holding out for as long as you did was nothing short of a miracle, James.

BARNES: [Quietly] I should have just given up and died for real. It would have been the right thing to do, instead of letting them use me. That’s what Steve would have done.

RAYNOR: The right thing to do was to survive, and try to escape. Which your files say you did, repeatedly.

BARNES: For all the good that did. All the people I killed as the Winter Soldier — decades — I mean, think how many lives would have been saved if I’d just fucking figured out a way to kill myself during those six months.

RAYNOR: Hold on. It’s all right to let yourself feel regret. Guilt. But is this a productive line of thinking, James?

[Silence — six seconds.]

BARNES: I know it’s not, Doc. But it’s true. I wish… God. [Pause] I tried not to let them have me. You gotta believe me, I tried so hard—

RAYNOR: I believe you. It’s okay. [Quietly] So. Tell me what they made you do. This moment when you say you consider yourself to have died… tell me about that.

[Silence — eight seconds.]

BARNES: They made me kill someone.

RAYNOR: Your first kill?

BARNES: Far from the first time I’d killed someone. But my first for them.

RAYNOR: And what happened?

BARNES: There was another prisoner. Russian like them. He was on the ground when they brought me in. They’d hurt him real bad, to the point where it was clear he wasn’t gonna get better. And he was begging to die. I didn’t speak Russian yet but I knew what he was begging for. And the guard put a pistol with one shot in my hand. A loaded pistol, can you imagine how confident they must have been to put a loaded fucking pistol in my hand? I should have… but I… God, I can’t do this.

RAYNOR: So you had one shot.

BARNES: I had one shot. I should have used it on myself. But they said to kill him. And he was crying. He was asking.

RAYNOR: So you gave mercy to someone else instead of taking it for yourself.

BARNES: That’s some kind of fucking optimism you got.

RAYNOR: It’s not optimism. It’s reframing the situation. Helping you see things differently so you can understand things better. It’s what good therapy does.

BARNES: I don’t think there’s any way to reframe this to look better, Doc. They handed me a loaded gun. I could have taken out a guard. I could have taken myself out. But instead I did exactly what they told me. And that… that was the beginning of the end.

RAYNOR: Did you know who you were at this point?

BARNES: Sort of.

RAYNOR: Sort of?

BARNES: They’d been using the machine on me. It was early days, still a shitty prototype compared to what came later — they had to use it over and over, it left burns on my face, they had to shave my head to keep it from burning my hair off — but it worked enough. I’d lost a lot of myself by then. I was definitely becoming… malleable. Starting to accept the things I was being told without really questioning them.

RAYNOR: Listen to yourself. You didn’t know what you were doing. You’d forgotten—

BARNES: No! That’s the fucking thing! I hadn’t forgotten everything yet. I still should have been able to say no. I should have been strong enough. My memory was hazy, but I know for sure it wasn’t all gone yet. I remembered my name, my rank. I remembered that I’d been a soldier. I knew I was a prisoner. I remembered Steve. [Quietly] I think I still remembered Steve for a long time after I forgot myself.

RAYNOR: Steve was very important to you. [Pause] You’ve mentioned him a lot today.

BARNES: Yeah.

RAYNOR: If he were here… what do you think he’d say? What do you think he’d tell you, having heard you say all of this?

BARNES: I don’t know. Maybe he’d... but… Steve’s gone. Steve left. [Pause] Doc, he left me.

RAYNOR: Oh, James. It’s okay. It's okay.

BARNES: Jesus. Sorry, I’m sorry, I can’t, I can’t— [sniffles]

RAYNOR: Don’t apologize. If you need to cry, you go ahead and cry. That’s exactly what we’re here for.

[Sniffling — twenty-three seconds.]

BARNES: He deserved to go. Go have a life.

RAYNOR: He’s done things for this world that none of us can ever repay. He’s an extraordinary man. But that doesn’t mean that it’s all right for him to have left you behind with no way to even call him.

BARNES: There were weird circumstances. Don’t be hard on him, okay?

RAYNOR: [Sighs]

BARNES: It’s selfish to even… but do you think…

RAYNOR: Do I think what? Do I think he should have stayed?

BARNES: [Quietly] Do you think he left ‘cause of me?

RAYNOR: Oh, James, no.

BARNES: ‘Cause I wonder — maybe he decided to go have a life somewhere else when he realized I wasn’t ever gonna be like myself again.

RAYNOR: Well, I never met Steve Rogers. I can’t say what was going through his mind. But you tell me, do you believe Steve loved you? Considered you his brother?

BARNES: Yes. Yeah, he did.

RAYNOR: And you loved him too. That much is very clear from how his departure has affected you.

BARNES: But maybe he loved the old version of me.

RAYNOR: Well, again, I didn’t know him. But I don’t get the impression that Steve Rogers ever loved anything halfway.

BARNES: Steve never did anything halfway. [Laughs] They’ll never replace him. Never be able to.

RAYNOR: Well, anyone who would try is going to be having second thoughts now. I guess we can thank John for that much, at least. [Pause] What are you feeling right now?

BARNES: I don’t know. Uh, embarrassment, mostly. Sorry about that. Jesus.

RAYNOR: I’m your therapist. This is literally my job. To be here for the messy parts you keep hidden. Thank you for trusting me enough to show them to me, James.

BARNES: Thank you, Doc. I really… I’m a fucking mess, but I think I’d be worse off if I wasn’t talking to you.

RAYNOR: I’ll take that. [Pause] So, we're coming up to the end of our hour. I wanted to ask, what will you do once you leave Latvia?

BARNES: God, we’ve got loose ends everywhere. Karli’s in the wind, Zemo’s probably off strangling small animals for coats somewhere. I think Sam’s gonna go take care of some family stuff stateside.

RAYNOR: And you?

BARNES: [Sighs] I’ve gotta fix this thing with the Wakandans. Zemo’s my mess. Time to go clean him up.

RAYNOR: Well, just be careful. You know how I feel about you interacting with him. [Pause] One last thing. I’m looking at my notes and I haven’t checked in on your medication in a while. Are you still taking the sertraline?

BARNES: Yup.

RAYNOR: And do you think it’s having any kind of an effect on your mood?

BARNES: Honestly? I don’t think so.

RAYNOR: [Sighs] Well, it was worth a shot. So we have a couple of options. We can assume that the serum is negating any effect the SSRI might be having, and just give up on it. Or we can try to increase your dose and see if that does anything. Or we can try you on something else.

BARNES: You know what my answer’s gonna be.

RAYNOR: I wish you’d give it more of a shot.

BARNES: I can’t even get drunk, Doc. This was never gonna work.

RAYNOR: It was still worth trying, wasn’t it? Well, let’s call it. Normally I’d taper your dose down, because going off SSRIs can cause a pretty nasty withdrawal, but in your case I think you’re probably safe to just discontinue them completely. [Pause] Did you ever try taking the alprazolam?

BARNES: Nope.

RAYNOR: How’s your anxiety been? No anxiety attacks, panic attacks, nothing like that?

BARNES: Not recently. It’s… I’m okay.

RAYNOR: Well, hold onto the alprazolam, just in case. You can take it anytime you’re having trouble calming down.

BARNES: I’ll keep that in mind.

RAYNOR: Mm, I wish I could believe you. [Pause] So I’ll talk to you next week?

BARNES: Yup. I should be back in Brooklyn by then. Assuming Zemo’s as easy to track as I think he’ll be.

RAYNOR: So I’ll see you at my office? How’s our usual Thursday morning time slot?

BARNES: Good, that works fine.

RAYNOR: Great. Take care of yourself, James. I mean it.

BARNES: Thanks, Doc. You too.

End of transcript.

Chapter Text

Dr. RAYNOR, Christina A.
Patient: Sgt. BARNES, James B. — DOB 03/10/1917

Session 9
Conducted by Dr. Christina A. Raynor
10:30 AM, April 11, 2024
Unit #124, 325 West 27th Street, New York City, NY, United States of America, Earth

Transcript of recording as follows:

DR. CHRISTINA RAYNOR: —recording. This is Dr. Christina Raynor, patient James Barnes, and it’s the… what’s the date?

SGT. JAMES BARNES: Uh, the eleventh.

RAYNOR: The eleventh of April. Good to see you back here in person again, James. And not just because of the coffee delivery. You were right, by the way, that’s a great macchiato. [Pause] And you weren’t kidding about the serum. You’re looking a lot better than the last time I saw you.

BARNES: Yup. Benefits of being a lab rat.

RAYNOR: And how’s Sam?

BARNES: Probably healed up by now. Haven’t seen him since we split up in Latvia.

RAYNOR: I see. Do you plan to see him?

BARNES: Yeah, I mean, eventually.

RAYNOR: So, what, you’ll wave at each other the next time the world needs saving? That’s not much of a social life.

BARNES: Well, he’s got his own shit going on.

RAYNOR: So do you, James. Do I need to remind you again how important it is for you to nurture relationships?

BARNES: [Sighs] Nope, but I get the feeling you’re going to anyway.

RAYNOR: So I’m guessing you haven’t been spending time with any other friends either?

BARNES: Does Zemo count?

RAYNOR: He absolutely does not. [Pause] I take it you managed to track him down?

BARNES: Yup. All sorted out. He’s back behind bars. The Raft this time.

RAYNOR: Well, that should keep him out of trouble.

BARNES: Mm, wouldn’t count on it.

RAYNOR: How did you find him?

BARNES: Tracked him to Sokovia. Or, well, what used to be part of Sokovia. A memorial. It wasn’t hard, I think he knew I would come after him. I think he wanted me to.

RAYNOR: Well, that’s… worrying.

BARNES: Nah, I scoped the place out in case it was a trap, but it was actually okay. He was waiting for me. We had some unfinished business, some things we needed to say to each other.

RAYNOR: So you spoke to him?

BARNES: A bit. [Pause] He said — he told me we’ve gotta kill Karli Morgenthau. He said it’s the only way to stop her.

RAYNOR: You don’t really believe that, do you?

BARNES: No. [Pause] I don’t know.

RAYNOR: I mean, setting aside the illegality and immorality of killing someone, and the fact that I would be legally obligated to report you to the authorities if you told me you were planning to harm someone — we’ve talked before about what that would do to you. How it might be extremely triggering for you to kill someone again. And in that conversation we were talking about killing by accident. So you can’t seriously be considering murder as an option.

BARNES: Message received. But, uh, purely hypothetically… maybe Zemo’s got a point. Morgenthau’s taken the serum. She’s fast, she’s strong — but beyond that, she’s got people everywhere. She’s radicalized. And she’s radicalizing others in turn.

RAYNOR: Is that you talking, or Zemo? [Pause] Wow, you really didn’t like that.

BARNES: Considering my history with the guy? Yeah, no, I didn’t really care for that comment, Doc.

RAYNOR: I didn’t mean anything by it. But considering that same history — is it really out of line for me to be worried that he might have some sway over you?

BARNES: He doesn’t. Zemo’s done, he’s gone, he’s behind bars, he’s out of the picture. And if it puts your mind at ease, I told him flat-out we weren’t gonna kill her. Sam would never go for it anyway.

RAYNOR: It sounds like you really trust Sam’s judgement.

BARNES: I guess I do.

RAYNOR: We’ve talked before about your ongoing struggles with autonomy. And how it feels good to be given instructions. Orders. Do you think working with Sam fills that need for you?

BARNES: Come on, Doc, you’ve seen us together. Does it really seem like I’d let him boss me around?

RAYNOR: No, it seemed at the time like you were adamant that no one boss you around at all. Which, as we discussed before, is something of a front covering up that craving for someone to tell you what to do.

BARNES: [Sighs] Do you have a point to make?

RAYNOR: Just that I don’t want you to rely too much on anyone else’s opinion. Not Sam’s, and definitely not Zemo’s. You’re working hard to rebuild your autonomy, your sense of self. You need friends, not leaders. Not more people giving you orders or using you.

BARNES: I get that. I do. But this is big, what we’re doing. The things we’re trying to stop, the people, the ideologies… and I’m not a leader like that, I’m not the idea guy. I’m the guy who gets it done, no matter what. That’s why I worked so well with Steve, back in the day — he came up with the plans, I made them happen. So maybe I need someone like that to work with again if we’re gonna get this done and put Karli away. And if anyone’s gonna be giving me orders, I guess Sam’s about as good as they get, right?

RAYNOR: I guess I can’t argue with that. He seems like a good man.

BARNES: He is. [Quietly] I miss Steve.

RAYNOR: I know you do, James.

BARNES: Sometimes… God, this is stupid, but sometimes I try to think, what would Steve do in this situation? And the answer is usually “exactly what Sam is doing”. Which is I guess how I figure Sam’s the right guy to have the shield.

RAYNOR: It sounds like you and Sam have made a lot of progress in your working relationship since the last time I saw you together.

BARNES: Yeah. [Pause] Why’d you throw us together like that, back in Baltimore?

RAYNOR: A few reasons. Mostly because your degree of social isolation worries me.

BARNES: It just… it wasn’t productive.

RAYNOR: It got you talking, didn’t it?

BARNES: No, it didn’t. It just got us both pissed off at each other.

RAYNOR: And yet things seem to have worked themselves out, haven’t they? Maybe it opened things up a little so you two could both start to communicate, even if the session itself didn’t seem that productive immediately.

BARNES: Maybe. [Sighs] I don’t know.

RAYNOR: Speaking of your social isolation — when we spoke before, you were very worried about your relationship with the Wakandans. Did you get a chance to smooth things over with them now that Zemo’s back behind bars?

BARNES: A bit... I think. Ayo’s talking to me again, so.

RAYNOR: Is that one of your friends?

BARNES: Yeah. And the leader of the Dora Milaje team that was sent to retrieve Zemo.

RAYNOR: So that’s good?

BARNES: It is. Really good. She’s important to me. But… I don’t know. The others, the royal family — I kinda get the sense that things still aren’t good with them. Ayo says I’m not exactly welcome back in Wakanda just now.

RAYNOR: And how do you feel about that?

BARNES: Probably exactly how you think I feel.

RAYNOR: It’ll help if you say it, James.

BARNES: Well, Doc, I feel like a piece of shit about it. Surprise.

RAYNOR: Okay, well, I guess that’s a start. Can you identify the emotions you feel regarding this situation? Name them?

BARNES: Yup.

RAYNOR: But... you’re not going to?

BARNES: [Sighs] I just don’t see what good it does to dwell on it.

RAYNOR: Oh, for — James, feelings don’t just magically go away if you squash them down hard enough. We’ve discussed this. Talking it out can help you process them.

[Silence — eight seconds.]

RAYNOR: Okay, what if I had a chart or a list of emotions or something you could point to? Something that lets you communicate what you’re feeling without verbalizing?

BARNES: Wow, patronizing.

RAYNOR: Fine. You don’t have feelings. Glad that’s established.

BARNES: Come on, Doc, don’t be like that—

RAYNOR: You’ve adjusted pretty well to the basics of twenty-first century living, I’ve gotta say, except for that flip phone—

BARNES: Hey, you try typing on a touchscreen with a metal hand and see how far you get—

RAYNOR: —but you’ve got to get over this toxic old-fashioned idea that men can’t have feelings. All right? We live in a time when it’s okay to go to therapy, it’s okay to grieve, it’s okay to feel guilt—

BARNES: I know!

RAYNOR: Then why are you so terrified of self-reflection?

BARNES: [Sighs] Look, can you just go back to pestering me about my social life?

RAYNOR: Oh, I absolutely can, if that’s what you’d prefer. Well, James, gone on any nice dates recently? Seeing anyone?

BARNES: Oh, for fuck’s sake.

RAYNOR: No? Plan to?

BARNES: Look, I’m still not going to answer your questions about my — [clears throat] — personal life.

RAYNOR: Sex is a natural and healthy part of adult life for most people, James. I realize there’s a cultural barrier here, but in this century we’re allowed to talk about these things.

BARNES: It’s way too early in the day for you to be hassling me about getting laid.

RAYNOR: I’m hassling you because I care. Look, I know you’re perfectly capable of being charming when you want to be. If you put yourself out there, you wouldn’t exactly have trouble finding a date.

BARNES: Ouch. “When I want to be”?

RAYNOR: I said what I said.

BARNES: Wow. You can get your own coffee next time.

RAYNOR: Look, me pushing you to put yourself out there is not about sex, all right? I know sex is a touchy subject for you, for a lot of reasons. But you need to start building emotional connections. And physical touch — not even sexual touch, just casual touches — physical touch is very important for your mental and emotional well-being, and I don’t think you’ve been getting much of that either.

BARNES: [scoffs]

RAYNOR: Well, tell me I’m wrong. We’ve sort of established that you haven’t seen anybody in recent years. Right?

BARNES: [Clears throat] I did actually go on a date.

RAYNOR: Oh? You didn’t mention that before. When?

BARNES: It was a while ago, before all this Flag-Smasher stuff.

RAYNOR: And how did it go?

BARNES: Fine. [Pause] What? I said it was fine!

RAYNOR: Mm-hmm, and you said it way too quickly for it to be the truth. So, what happened?

BARNES: Well... I kind of walked out on her.

RAYNOR: Wow.

BARNES: I know.

RAYNOR: Wow.

BARNES: Oh come on, Doc, you don’t have to rub it in.

RAYNOR: What on Earth did she do?

BARNES: It wasn’t her, she was fine. She was nice.

RAYNOR: So you just walked out for no reason.

[Silence — eight seconds.]

RAYNOR: And now you’re shutting down. Which tells me there’s definitely more to the story.

BARNES: Well, I told you about Yori. My friend. The guy…

RAYNOR: The man whose son you killed as the Winter Soldier. With whom you have a standing weekly lunch date. Oh yes, James, I recall.

BARNES: Go easy, okay? Look, Leah — the girl I was with — she knows Yori too, right? She’s the bartender at our sushi place, so she sees us every week and she knows him. So she started talking about him. And how he’s — how he’s broken. Since he lost his son. And how it’s so wrong when parents lose children. And I just… it just kinda hit me, how wrong it was, what I was doing. Stringing him along because I’m too much of a fucking coward to tell him that… it was me. God.

RAYNOR: So you left.

BARNES: So I left. [Sighs] Guess for a second there I’d finally gotten up the courage to go tell him everything. But I got there, I got to his door and… I couldn’t. So I wasted his time and her time.

RAYNOR: Would you like to go out with her again sometime?

BARNES: Ha, well, even if I did, I don’t think that’s happening.

RAYNOR: Doesn’t mean you should give up on dating.

BARNES: Look, dating’s hard enough even when you’re not a… a public figure with a screwed-up history who everyone has a goddamn opinion on, you know? Everywhere I go, people know me. Know who I am. Most of the time it’s okay, but sometimes... it’s fucked up, what people say to me sometimes when they figure out who I am. I don’t think I’d be able to… [Sighs] I don’t know.

[Silence — six seconds.]

BARNES: What? You’ve got that look on your face. What.

RAYNOR: Is that why you wear those gloves everywhere?

BARNES: Maybe I’m just cold, okay?

RAYNOR: They said it’s gonna be seventy-five today.

BARNES: I don’t really look at the weather.

RAYNOR: I understand you wearing them when you’re out and about — you don’t want people to clock you as the Winter Soldier. But you’ve never taken off your gloves in front of me. Why is that?

BARNES: Maybe I’m just more comfortable with them on.

RAYNOR: Oh? Physically or mentally?

BARNES: [Sighs] It’s… manners, I guess.

RAYNOR: How so?

[Silence — eleven seconds.]

RAYNOR: James, I thought we were past this. You can’t just shut down whenever you don’t feel like talking. Not if you want this to work.

BARNES: It’s just… it’s weird, okay? People shouldn’t have to see it if they don’t have to.

RAYNOR: Are you referring to your prosthetic?

BARNES: Well, yeah.

RAYNOR: So you only expose your prosthetic when you have to? Is that comfortable?

[Silence — eight seconds.]

RAYNOR: You must have some strong feelings about your arm if you keep it hidden all the time.

BARNES: Well, I don’t walk around showing off the other weapons I’m packing, either, y’know? No one feels comfortable standing in line with a guy holding a gun. Same principle.

RAYNOR: And, uh, what other weapons are you packing, exactly?

BARNES: [Pause] Nothing?

RAYNOR: That’s a good answer, James. Because if I were aware of you carrying any weapon that is illegal in the state of New York — like, say, any blade over four inches — that would be a problem. A problem I would be legally and contractually obligated to report to SHIELD as their consultant on your mental health, even though I no longer submit reports to them.

BARNES: Uh… huh. Well, that’s good to know.

RAYNOR: Yes, it is, isn’t it.

BARNES: [Clears throat]

RAYNOR: So. You think people are afraid of your arm? Afraid of you?

BARNES: I think people should be afraid of me. [Pause] Okay, that came out wrong. C’mon, don’t do the eyebrow thing. You know I don’t want to hurt anyone. I know that was a concern before, that was why I had to start seeing you in the first place—

RAYNOR: It’s nothing personal. You’re an enhanced individual. There will always be that concern.

BARNES: And that’s... fair, I guess. But what I meant was, I think people should be afraid of what I could do. Accidentally.

RAYNOR: So you don’t want to make people uncomfortable. And you don’t want to put anyone in danger.

BARNES: I guess.

[Silence — five seconds.]

RAYNOR: You realize you’re letting that fear push people away, James? You’ve been pushing me away, or trying, half the time we’ve been talking. You push Sam away. Is it because you’re afraid of people getting to know you? Or is it because you’re afraid you might hurt them, physically hurt them, if they do get too close?

BARNES: [Quietly] I don’t know.

RAYNOR: Am I right in thinking that you feel, maybe, like your arm is something to be ashamed of?

[Silence — twelve seconds.]

RAYNOR: What if I asked you to take off your gloves and jacket right now?

BARNES: What? Why?

RAYNOR: Because this is a private room and I’m your therapist and I want you to be comfortable. [Pause] It’s up to you. But if you wanted to take your jacket and gloves off, that would be okay. Good, even.

[Silence — eight seconds.]

RAYNOR: It’s just you and me here, James.

BARNES: [Pause] Okay.

[Rustling as clothing is removed — seven seconds.]

[Silence — six seconds.]

BARNES: Jeez, take a picture or something.

RAYNOR: I didn’t mean to stare—

BARNES: I’m just messing with you, Doc. You can look. Here.

[Silence — ten seconds.]

RAYNOR: Wow. And it’s Wakandan?

BARNES: Yup. Vibranium. Designed by Princess Shuri. Honestly, I don’t wanna think about how much money I’m carrying around on my shoulder.

RAYNOR: Well, she did a very nice job. I like the gold lines.

BARNES: Yeah.

RAYNOR: I know that tone. What’s on your mind?

BARNES: It’s nothing.

RAYNOR: Is she one of the people who you’re worried is still angry with you?

BARNES: [Sighs] Yeah. That’s part of it, I guess.

RAYNOR: Part of it? What else is going on?

BARNES: I thought… I guess I thought the Wakandans trusted me more than they do. There’s a killswitch in the arm.

RAYNOR: A killswitch? To shut the arm down?

BARNES: To take it off completely. Detach it. And I didn’t know. They put that in and they didn’t even goddamn tell me.

RAYNOR: Wow. And I’m guessing you found out about this the hard way.

BARNES: Yeah. Back in Latvia, I ended up sort of… not fighting, really, but kind of scrapping with Ayo, and she activated it, and. Well.

RAYNOR: How does that make you feel?

BARNES: I don’t know. [Sighs] I don’t have the right to argue, I guess. The arm was a gift. A very generous gift from people who owed me nothing.

RAYNOR: It’s a part of your body. It ought to belong to you, shouldn’t it? It’s all right to be feeling angry. Violated, even.

BARNES: And I do, believe me, but it still feels like looking a gift horse in the mouth, you know? And… maybe they were right. Maybe it was the right thing to do, making sure I can be, you know. Stopped.

RAYNOR: But does it make you feel less safe, knowing that it can be disabled and removed?

BARNES: [Sighs] Maybe.

RAYNOR: And we’ve talked about feeling safe. How important that is for you. And how you felt very safe in Wakanda.

BARNES: Yeah.

RAYNOR: So discovering this — that must have been a blow.

BARNES: [Quietly] Yeah.

RAYNOR: How do you feel about the arm itself? How do you feel about it being part of your body?

BARNES: Fine.

RAYNOR: God, I’m going to ban that word from my office. [Pause] I’ve worked with amputees before, James.

BARNES: So?

RAYNOR: So, many of them have strong feelings about their bodies. Shame, particularly. Being worried about being unattractive, or being seen as weak, being seen as disabled—

BARNES: Well, come on, I’m not exactly a cripple, am I?

RAYNOR: Okay, before we continue, I need to gently point out that we don’t use that language anymore. Saying that a person is “a cripple” is considered derogatory these days.

BARNES: Oh. Okay, so what am I supposed to say?

RAYNOR: I think saying “disabled” is usually preferred. Or “a person with disabilities”.

BARNES: Oh. Sorry.

RAYNOR: It’s all right, you didn’t know. [Pause] But it’s true. Your disability — your amputated arm was replaced with a unique prosthetic that allowed you to continue to function, maybe even better than you did before. But that doesn’t mean you can’t feel the same sense of loss and grief that many amputees struggle with.

BARNES: It was a long time ago.

RAYNOR: That doesn’t mean it’s easier for you, or that you've processed your feelings about it.

BARNES: What am I supposed to do, cry over an arm I lost eighty years ago? I don’t even remember how I lost it. I know I had the upper part still, this part up here, when the Soviets found me after I fell. I know Zola and his team took the rest off up to the shoulder so they could fit me with the new one. But considering all the other shit they did, losing an arm is pretty far down the list of reasons to be upset, you know?

RAYNOR: But you still have a lot of feelings about it. So, I’ll ask you again: how do you feel about having a prosthetic arm?

[Silence — seven seconds.]

BARNES: Honestly? The old one was… it was fucking horrifying, having that thing attached to me. Not at first, but once I’d gotten away from them and sort of woken up enough to realize what they’d done to me. What they’d turned me into.

RAYNOR: And is this one better?

BARNES: Oh, definitely, yeah.

RAYNOR: Just because it’s from the Wakandans, or does it feel better to wear, too?

BARNES: Both. I think it’s got more feeling, maybe even more dexterity, but mostly it’s just nice to have the communist star gone. And it’s still heavy — I mean, it’s vibranium — but it hurts a lot less.

RAYNOR: But it does still hurt?

BARNES: A bit. Not as much.

RAYNOR: Is it the arm itself, or…?

BARNES: Well, turns out HYDRA kind of mangled things in my shoulder to make the arm fit and stay on. Scapula, clavicle, the whole works, it’s all metal. And a lot of the muscles and tendons and things got kind of screwed up and turned into hamburger in the process. I didn’t think it was that bad, but the Wakandan doctors were… not exactly happy when they saw the scans. I mean, their tech is great but it can’t fix everything.

RAYNOR: So we’re talking about chronic pain?

BARNES: I mean, it’s not that bad most of the time. I can function, I can use the arm just fine—

RAYNOR: A lot of people have chronic pain and still function. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t affect your quality of life. Are you seeing anyone to treat this?

BARNES: No?

RAYNOR: We need to deal with this, James. I’d like to make pain relief a priority. There are clear links between chronic pain and depression, anxiety, other mental health issues, a reduction in general quality of life—

BARNES: It’s fine, really—

RAYNOR: Is it? Or are you saying that so that I won’t try to make you go to a doctor? [Pause] Mm, that’s what I thought.

BARNES: It’s fine, Doc.

RAYNOR: No, it’s not. [Pause] We’ve determined that it’s difficult to medicate you, so I don’t think a pain medication is the right way to go, but I can refer you to a massage therapist I know—

BARNES: Absolutely not.

RAYNOR: He’s a registered medical professional, not just a masseuse. It might significantly improve—

BARNES: I said no!

[Silence — six seconds.]

BARNES: God, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to raise my voice, I just… [Quietly] Sorry, Doc.

RAYNOR: The idea of seeing a medical professional really frightens you, doesn’t it.

BARNES: I just — I can’t. I’m not great with being touched by strangers. It wouldn’t be safe, not for him, not for me. [Quietly] Please stop looking at me like that.

RAYNOR: Like what?

BARNES: Like you’re afraid of me.

RAYNOR: James, I’m not afraid of you.

BARNES: Your hands are shaking.

[Silence — twelve seconds.]

BARNES: I think I’d better go.

RAYNOR: No. Don’t. James, sit your ass back down.

BARNES: I’m real sorry, Doc.

RAYNOR: James, get back here! James! Oh, for shit’s sake.

[Door slams.]

[Silence — twenty-two seconds.]

RAYNOR: [Sighs] Hey Siri, stop recording.

End of transcript.

Chapter Text

———

Dr. RAYNOR, Christina A.
Patient: Sgt. BARNES, James B. — DOB 03/10/1917

Supplementary material #3

Incoming number: (929) 746-0646 [cell phone registered to James B. Barnes]
Outgoing number: (212) 993-0022 [landline, office of Dr. Christina A. Raynor, Unit #124, 325 West 27th Street, New York City, NY, United States of America, Earth]
11:04 AM, April 13, 2024

Transcript of phone call recording as follows:

VOICE RECORDING: Thank you for calling the offices of Drs. Bains, Loewen, and Raynor. Please note that Dr. Bains will be away until May 3. For Dr. Bains’ office, press one. For Dr. Loewen’s office, press two. For Dr. Raynor’s office, press three. To hear these options again, press zero.

[3]

VOICE RECORDING: Your call is now being redirected. This call may be monitored for quality assurance purposes.

[Silence — eight seconds.]

RECEPTIONIST: Dr. Raynor’s office, Davida speaking.

SGT. JAMES BARNES: Uh, hi. May I speak to Dr. Raynor?

RECEPTIONIST: She’s with a client at the moment, but I can take a message. May I ask who’s speaking?

BARNES: Bucky Barnes, James Barnes?

RECEPTIONIST: Oh, Mr. Barnes! Dr. Raynor said that if you called — um, may I put you on hold?

BARNES: Sure?

[Silence — fifty-one seconds.]

DR. CHRISTINA RAYNOR: James!

BARNES: Uh, hey, Doc.

RAYNOR: [Sighs] So you are alive. For Christ’s sake, would it kill you to text me back?

BARNES: It was just one day!

RAYNOR: Yes, but the way our last session ended… you had me concerned, is all. [Pause] How are you doing?

BARNES: Fine, I’m fine. Didn’t your secretary say you have a client right now?

RAYNOR: She’s, uh, she’s going to just wait for a minute.

BARNES: Oh. Okay, well. Look, I’m… I’m real sorry about the other day.

RAYNOR: It’s all right—

BARNES: No. It’s not. [Pause] I don’t think I can do this anymore, Doc.

RAYNOR: James, no. Don’t you dare.

BARNES: I just—

RAYNOR: Last week you told me — you actually said that our sessions were helping you. Okay? Do you get how far you’ve come since the first time you walked into my office? [Muffled] Yes, Davida, I know she’s waiting, give me a damn second—

BARNES: It’s just… I really appreciate all you’ve done for me, but I don’t think this is a good idea. And I think I’m probably wasting your time.

RAYNOR: You are not. Look, maybe I haven’t said this enough, but recovery is not a straight road from here to there, all right? There are going to be setbacks, there are going to be times you feel hopeless, and that is normal. That is okay. The important thing is that you don’t give up yet. [Pause] James, I am asking you. Don’t give up. Please.

[Silence — six seconds.]

RAYNOR: James?

BARNES: I’m here.

RAYNOR: One more session. Okay? How about just one more session, and see how you feel afterwards.

BARNES: [Quietly] Okay.

RAYNOR: Okay? As in, “okay, I’m not quitting therapy just yet”?

BARNES: Yeah.

RAYNOR: [Sighs] Thank you.

BARNES: But the other day, when I—

RAYNOR: Look, I’m sitting on my poor receptionist’s desk right now and I did kind of interrupt a session with another client to take your call, so now isn’t such a good time to get into that. But next time we have a session we can talk about it as much as you want. All right?

BARNES: [Sighs] Okay. Okay.

RAYNOR: I better get back to it, but you can call me anytime you need to, all right? Anytime.

BARNES: Thanks, Doc. And again, I’m just real—

RAYNOR: Don’t you dare say you’re sorry again. Unless it’s for not texting me back. I’ll accept an apology for that.

BARNES: Okay, okay. But I am sorry. For both things.

RAYNOR: Goodbye, James. I’ll see you on Thursday.

BARNES: Bye, Doc.

End of phone call transcript.

———

Dr. RAYNOR, Christina A.
Patient: Sgt. BARNES, James B. — DOB 03/10/1917

Session 10
Conducted by Dr. Christina A. Raynor
10:30 AM, April 18, 2024
Unit #124, 325 West 27th Street, New York City, NY, United States of America, Earth
Transcript of recording as follows:

RAYNOR: And we are… recording. [Pause] So, James, how are you feeling today?

[Silence — eight seconds.]

RAYNOR: Oh, great, we’re back to this? The silent treatment?

BARNES: [Pause] What?

RAYNOR: I asked you how you’re feeling.

BARNES: Fine.

RAYNOR: You’re really going to make me work that hard for a “fine”?

[Silence — seven seconds.]

RAYNOR: Something’s definitely off with you today. What’s on your mind? Is this about last week?

BARNES: [Pause] Just… thinking.

RAYNOR: [Sighs] Yes, James, I gathered that much. Thinking about what?

BARNES: [Pause] I don’t think I should be here.

RAYNOR: Well, at least that’s on topic. Because the first thing I’m going to ask you is, what the hell is going through your mind, trying to cancel therapy?

BARNES: I don’t know.

RAYNOR: Answer me, James. What are you thinking? I legitimately want to know what’s going through your head.

BARNES: I don’t know. I guess just sort of... thinking I shouldn’t be around people. I shouldn’t be... I mean, let’s face it, I’m not easy to work with. I know I’m not. And… I lost it at you last week.

RAYNOR: Right. About that.

BARNES: I already tried to say sorry and you wouldn’t let me, so I don’t know what you’re expecting me to—

RAYNOR: James, I’d like to apologize.

[Silence — five seconds.]

BARNES: What?

RAYNOR: Oh, close your mouth. It’s not that shocking.

BARNES: Just… wasn’t really expecting that.

RAYNOR: I didn’t listen to you. I pushed too hard. I ignored you when you said no, even though I knew how difficult saying no to authority figures can be for you. Even though I knew about your feelings related to medical settings. I wanted to help, but I crossed a line. I’m sorry, James.

[Silence — six seconds.]

BARNES: I honestly have no idea what to say. Uh. Apology accepted?

RAYNOR: Thank you. I… well, I really do want you to get better. And chronic pain is no joke, it really does have a detrimental effect on mental health.

BARNES: It’s okay, Doc. I’m fine.

RAYNOR: I’m going to get a spray bottle if you keep using that goddamn word. Are you saying you’re “fine”, quote-unquote, because you are actually okay with being in pain, or am I right in thinking that you’ll just say anything to avoid medical attention?

BARNES: [Sighs]

RAYNOR: Exactly. So. Here’s what I’m going to do. This is the massage therapist’s business card. He’s good, and I know he’s worked with amputees and complex cases before. But no one’s gonna call you or hassle you about it, and I won’t bring it up again. Okay? The choice is yours.

BARNES: Thanks, Doc. And… I know you’re thinking it’s your fault, me losing my temper like that, but. I really am sorry. It won’t happen again.

RAYNOR: It really bothered you, raising your voice with me.

BARNES: Yeah.

RAYNOR: Well, let's talk about that.

BARNES: [Sighs]

RAYNOR: Oh, quit looking pained. This is exactly what therapy is about. You have feelings, we talk about them. That’s the whole point of this. [Pause] So. You’re very softspoken normally—

BARNES: Ha, well, Sam might disagree—

RAYNOR: —and it upset you when you lost your temper. Why do you think that is?

BARNES: I dunno.

RAYNOR: Come on, James, give me something more than that. You scared yourself. You scared yourself enough that you got up and left in the middle of our session. Why?

BARNES: I thought I scared you.

RAYNOR: Please. You startled me at best.

BARNES: Come on. I know what fear looks like on a person. And you gotta admit, who I am, what I can do, what I have done… if I were in your shoes, I don’t know if I’d be comfortable sitting in a room with me, is all. [Pause] That’s not meant to sound like a threat. God, I just keep opening my mouth—

RAYNOR: Maybe I need to make this clear, so — James, there is literally nothing you could say that would make me stop working with you. I’ve worked with some, shall we say, problematic clients before, and you aren’t one of them, all right? Look, I’ve been threatened in every way you can imagine, I’ve had weapons pulled on me, once I had a client start stalking me and taking pictures of my house—

BARNES: Jesus.

RAYNOR: So give me a little credit here, is what I’m saying. And I was a soldier, too. I saw plenty of action. I can handle more than you think.

BARNES: I know, I know you can, I’m not questioning that at all, I just—

RAYNOR: You just don’t think you deserve to be around people you could hurt.

BARNES: I just worry. About… what I’m capable of. What might happen if I did lose my temper for real.

RAYNOR: I’ve studied your files. I am perfectly aware of what you’re capable of.

BARNES: And trying to give life advice to a weapon doesn’t make you think twice about your career choices?

RAYNOR: You’re not a weapon. Not anymore. And I’m convinced — I have been convinced for a long time, almost since our first session, that there’s nothing inherently violent in you. You are not a dangerous person. You’re just not. And I think you know that too.

BARNES: But the things I did—

RAYNOR: You’ve been made to do violent things. I know. But that doesn’t make you a violent person.

BARNES: [Quietly] You really think that?

RAYNOR: I do. If you don’t believe me, I’ll show you the reports I submitted to SHIELD and you can read what I think for yourself.

BARNES: Yeah, but you aren’t getting it. The ways they trained me, the things I know how to do — even now, sometimes I’ll just be going through my day and I’ll…

RAYNOR: You’ll what?

[Silence — nine seconds.]

RAYNOR: James, you can tell me. Whatever it is.

BARNES: [Quietly] I don’t wanna say.

RAYNOR: Why don’t you want to tell me? Why are you shaking your head? [Pause] What are you afraid of?

[Silence — eleven seconds.]

RAYNOR: Okay. Let’s just take a minute. Just try to sit with whatever you’re feeling. And when you’re ready, if you’re ready, you can talk.

[Silence — forty-three seconds.]

BARNES: I think about killing people.

RAYNOR: Okay, good. Tell me more.

BARNES: [Pause] What?

RAYNOR: Hmm?

BARNES: I tell you I think about killing people and you just…? I don’t know, I guess I was expecting more of a reaction.

RAYNOR: I told you, Barnes, I’m not delicate. [Pause] When you think about killing people, is it a fantasy? Does it make you feel good?

BARNES: No! No, no. The things I imagine, I would never do. Never. Okay? That’s why I didn’t wanna tell you, because of course you’re going to think… [sighs].

RAYNOR: Because I’m going to think you’ve got murder fantasies? That you’re crazy? That you don’t deserve your pardon?

BARNES: All of the above?

RAYNOR: Tell me about these thoughts.

BARNES: [Pause] I don’t know. Sometimes I’ll be just going through my day and I’ll see something, like a screwdriver, or fishing line, and… with all this stuff they put in me, I know a lot of ways to take people down fast with whatever’s at hand, right? And I’ll just… picture it. Doing that to someone. Or sometimes I’ll be just walking past an apartment building and out of nowhere, something in me goes: I could start at the bottom floor and kill everyone in the building in eight minutes, maybe nine, just with the stuff I’ve got in my pockets—

RAYNOR: None of which is illegal. As we have established.

BARNES: [Pause] Oh, yeah. No.

RAYNOR: So you find yourself making these calculations. Remembering the things HYDRA taught you to do, the ways they taught you to kill, and envisioning yourself using those skills to kill strangers. And this is distressing to you.

BARNES: Yes. Yeah. God. It’s like... they put this stuff in me and I can’t get it out. [Quietly] I’m never gonna be able to get it out, am I.

RAYNOR: Okay. Okay. Just take a second and focus on breathing, all right? [Pause] James, are you familiar with the term “intrusive thoughts”? Has anyone told you about this?

BARNES: No?

RAYNOR: [Sighs] Of course not. So. Intrusive thoughts are unwanted thoughts that pop into your mind. They are very common, okay? Very common. Everyone gets them from time to time.

BARNES: I don’t think normal people think about — about, I don’t know, adjusting the amount of force needed to crush someone’s throat depending on whether they’re an adult or a... I don’t think most people do that fucking calculation, Doc.

RAYNOR: I can see you’re feeling distressed—

BARNES: No shit.

RAYNOR: Watch your manners, Barnes. I know you’re worked up, but there’s no call for that.

BARNES: [Quietly] Sorry, Doc.

RAYNOR: In fact, most intrusive thoughts are violent. Or sexual. Or otherwise taboo. I’m telling you that this is normal, all right? And probably the intensity of these thoughts is being exacerbated by your actual memories, violent memories, of things you’ve been forced to do. Or things that have been done to you. Like an intrusive-thought-flashback double whammy.

BARNES: Oh. Great.

RAYNOR: I know you’re... disturbed by these thoughts. But think about it this way: if you were really genuinely at risk of hurting someone, why would they bother you so much? Why would you be having nightmares about the things you’ve done? Why would you be so bothered by the things HYDRA made you do? Why would you be suffering like this over it?

BARNES: I don’t know. Maybe because I might actually do it?

RAYNOR: Well, think about it the next time an intrusive thought pops into your head. Ask yourself: if I were really in danger of doing this, why is there something in me that is so opposed to it?

BARNES: Is there a way to make them stop? For good?

RAYNOR: Therapy and medication, generally. One of which we’re already doing, and the other—

BARNES: Doesn’t work on me. Right. [Sighs]

RAYNOR: But we’ll do the best we can. And in the meantime, know that it’s normal, that you’re not losing it. Okay? [Pause] So these intrusive thoughts… you’ve been assuming they were leftover bits of HYDRA’s programming? Leftover orders, or something?

BARNES: I mean, I still don’t know that they’re not.

RAYNOR: But unlike your programming, you’re not compelled to actually carry them out, are you? Tell me, have you ever acted on one of these thoughts? Ever even been tempted to act on one?

BARNES: Jesus, no. Of course not. But it makes me think — maybe I can’t be around people. Maybe it’s safer, just in case… you know, just in case I do lose it.

RAYNOR: Seriously? Spending time around people and building relationships is probably the thing most likely to help your recovery!

BARNES: Yeah, but what about everyone else? When a normal guy loses his temper and gets violent, maybe someone loses a couple teeth. Me, I lose my temper and someone dies.

RAYNOR: And I’m sorry to say that’s just a burden you have to carry. Enhancements like yours are a double-edged sword.

BARNES: Yeah, well, it’s not something I exactly signed up for.

RAYNOR: I know.

BARNES: I didn’t fucking want any of this. I never wanted — [sighs].

RAYNOR: I know. I know you didn’t. Your body was altered without your consent. Repeatedly. In ways that you yourself have admitted were horrifying. And you’ve got to acknowledge that, James, you’ve got to let yourself grieve for yourself.

BARNES: I start going down that path, I don’t think I’m gonna stop.

[Silence — six seconds.]

RAYNOR: You know what I think? I think you surprised yourself by getting angry at me last week. When you lashed out at the idea of being forced to get medical treatment you didn’t want. I think you scared yourself more than you scared me. Because you carry a lot of anger around, anger about what’s been done to you — but you normally keep it on a leash, don’t you?

[Silence — 8 seconds.]

BARNES: Losing my temper wasn’t… allowed. When I was the Soldier. HYDRA didn’t even like me to make noise.

RAYNOR: [Quietly] You weren’t allowed to talk?

BARNES: No, I… [sighs]. There were things I was allowed to say, and ways I was allowed to say them. Like if I had to give a mission report, or if I was acknowledging an order. But other than that… I was kind of like a machine. And not obeying orders meant I was malfunctioning. A machine malfunctions, it gets fixed.

RAYNOR: Right. And I don’t want to think about what getting “fixed” by HYDRA might entail.

BARNES: Yeah.

RAYNOR: So you weren’t allowed to express yourself. For years. And now that you can… what do you want to say?

BARNES: I don’t think words can really… I don’t know.

RAYNOR: [Pause] In your HYDRA file, several images showed you wearing a sort of mask over your lower face. Almost a muzzle. Was that to keep you quiet?

BARNES: No. I could talk through it if I had to. Wouldn’t be much use in combat if I couldn’t communicate. I just wasn’t allowed to. The mask was for... I don’t know. Intimidating people, keeping me from being recognized. Lots of reasons, probably. They didn’t exactly bother explaining stuff to me, they just did whatever they wanted. I hated wearing it, but I couldn’t say anything, or they’d…

RAYNOR: Or they’d hurt you.

BARNES: [Quietly] Mostly. But sometimes not me. Sometimes they’d hurt someone else, someone who didn’t deserve it. Or make me do it.

RAYNOR: So you did what you were told.

BARNES: Yup. It’s hard not to. Even now. [Pause] I didn’t tell you about this, but Zemo wanted me to wear the mask in Madripoor. As part of my… outfit.

RAYNOR: But you didn’t. Right?

BARNES: Well, I wasn’t really in a position to argue, you know? So I tried.

RAYNOR: James.

BARNES: I know, okay? I know. Don’t worry, I ended up taking it off. It didn’t go so well.

RAYNOR: What happened?

BARNES: I don’t know. Something about it... I started to lose my shit and Sam kicked up a fuss. Told Zemo to shove it. So Zemo let me go in without the mask.

RAYNOR: First, God bless Sam Wilson. And second — I really don’t like this phrasing, that Zemo “let” you.

BARNES: Well, he was kind of calling the shots.

RAYNOR: Don’t remind me. [Pause] When you say you “started to lose your shit”, what happened exactly? How did you react?

BARNES: Probably just what you’re imagining.

RAYNOR: Tell me what you think I’m imagining, then.

BARNES: Something about the smell of it, I think. The feeling of it on my face... [Pause] My hands were shaking. Couldn’t breathe right, like I couldn’t get any air, even though I should have been able to breathe fine through the mask. Felt like I was gonna pass out.

RAYNOR: Sounds like a panic attack.

BARNES: I thought panic attacks were when you, you know, panicked.

RAYNOR: Oh, great. [Sighs] So no one’s explained panic attacks to you either?

BARNES: No one explained anything, okay? No one offers a crash course on living eight decades in the future with a broken brain. Steve gave me a notebook and told me he thought I’d like Star Trek and then he fucked off to the — place he went. And that was pretty much all I got. So I’m trying, okay? I spend, like, an hour a day on Wikipedia trying to catch up, but I’m only up to maybe the 1970s so far.

RAYNOR: You like Wikipedia?

BARNES: Well, yeah, who wouldn’t? A lot of it’s wrong, though. You wouldn’t believe how much I had to edit the article on the history of the Brooklyn Dodgers. [Quietly] Los Angeles Dodgers, whatever.

RAYNOR: Let’s stay on topic. When you put on the mask, the reaction you had — we call that a panic attack. It’s usually characterized by strong feelings of fear, but it can have all kinds of other symptoms. Physical, emotional, you name it. And, like intrusive thoughts, panic attacks are often related to PTSD. So I’m not surprised you’ve been experiencing them.

BARNES: Oh.

RAYNOR: Yeah.

BARNES: I figured I was just... I don’t know. That there was something wrong with me.

RAYNOR: But you weren’t going to seek help for it? Or even bring it up with me until you were prompted?

BARNES: It wasn’t a big deal.

RAYNOR: [Sighs] And that actually brings me to something I wanted to touch on today. Which is your consistent lack of self-regard when it comes to getting medical help.

BARNES: Oh, come on. You really want to talk about this?

RAYNOR: Yes, James, I really do. Do you think it would be helpful to discuss why medical settings bother you?

BARNES: Jesus, no. You’ve got the HYDRA files. Just read those if you need to. Let’s just not go there, okay? Please, Doc.

RAYNOR: You get very uncomfortable when I ask you to talk about the things that happened to you.

BARNES: Well, it’s not exactly fun to reminisce about, you know?

RAYNOR: I’m sure that’s part of it. But like I said before, and like I’ve been telling you from day one — James, you need to acknowledge that you are a victim in all of this. You’re very angry about what HYDRA made you do to other people, that’s clear. But I always get the impression that you don’t spend a lot of time thinking about what was done to you.

BARNES: What, you want me to pity myself more?

RAYNOR: Actually, yes, I think a little self-pity would go a long way toward your recovery. But I know you’ll do absolutely anything to avoid that. Oh, don’t roll your eyes.

BARNES: [Sighs]

RAYNOR: You know all that anger you’re carrying? Well, anger is a defense mechanism. Because if you focus on fixing the damage you did as the Winter Soldier, you don’t have to think about how you yourself were damaged. I mean, tell me I’m wrong.

BARNES: So you want me to, what, moan about it? Write an autobiography on HYDRA torture methods?

RAYNOR: Actually, journaling might be an excellent—

BARNES: Hard pass.

RAYNOR: Fine. But if you really want to get over this, you need to acknowledge these things that happened to you, not just repress them.

BARNES: I’m not repressing anything.

RAYNOR: Oh, yes, because you seem perfectly comfortable acknowledging your trauma. Mm-hmm.

BARNES: I don’t know why getting into this is such a big deal to you. I’m okay. I function. I just… don’t go to the hospital. The serum takes care of pretty much everything anyway. It’s fine, Doc, really.

RAYNOR: [Sighs] James, the day will come when you — in your insane, adrenaline-junkie, high-risk lifestyle — do something stupid and heroic and end up with injuries even the serum can’t fix. And you’re going to need medical help. And if you end up strangling the nice doctors and burning down the hospital, well, that’s not going to go well for anyone. Not for them, and certainly not for you. Or for your pardon.

BARNES: [Inaudible]

RAYNOR: I heard that.

BARNES: I just don’t know what talking about it is going to achieve, okay?

RAYNOR: Same thing talking always achieves. It lets you get out some of the stuff you’ve been carrying around. It gives me a chance to suggest ways for you to overcome the things you want to fix. It can reframe the way you think about yourself in relation to the world.

BARNES: Fine. What do you want to talk about.

RAYNOR: Well, let’s start by identifying some of your triggers. If you were to walk into a doctor’s office or a hospital, what would bother you?

BARNES: All of it? I don’t know.

RAYNOR: Give me something to work with, James. Just one or two things that bother you. Can you just list one or two?

BARNES: [Pause] White coats are… not good. Anything to do with needles or drugs, nope. Fluorescent lighting. Certain smells, like rubbing alcohol, strong cleaning solutions. That kind of thing. [Pause] People standing over me. That one really… that one’s not good.

RAYNOR: And what happens when you’re exposed to these things? What happens to you, emotionally, psychologically? Is it like the panic attack you described before, when you tried on the mask?

BARNES: I don’t know how to describe it.

RAYNOR: Try.

BARNES: [Quietly] I don’t, I don’t think I want to.

RAYNOR: Try, James. Do you get flashbacks? Anxiety? Do you freeze up, do you lash out, do you—

BARNES: Stop. [Pause] Please don’t push me. I’m trying, but… I can’t even think about it, okay? It’s a lot, even just going there.

RAYNOR: [Sighs] Okay. Okay. Just take a minute to breathe.

[Silence — twenty seconds.]

RAYNOR: I can see you fidgeting. You’re uncomfortable.

BARNES: It’s just... a lot.

RAYNOR: Okay. I want to keep talking about your triggers, but let’s change things up. I’m going to flip the same question I was asking before. Have you had any positive experiences in medical settings since getting free of HYDRA? Any experiences that you were able to tolerate?

BARNES: [Pause] Yeah, actually. Wakanda. I had a team of doctors operate on my shoulder and generally kinda fix me up and it went okay.

RAYNOR: So how did you handle that? What was different?

BARNES: I hope this doesn’t sound, I don’t know, offensive or weird or anything, but… having Black doctors with Wakandan accents work on me was actually pretty okay. I mean, HYDRA’s pretty keen on wiping out or subjugating anyone who isn’t blond and blue-eyed, you know? And a lot of the doctors were women, and there aren’t too many women in HYDRA either. So it was pretty easy to remember where I was and who was working on me.

RAYNOR: And what about the settings where the treatments took place?

BARNES: Yeah, those too. The Wakandan clinics didn’t look anything like the HYDRA labs I was used to. They had murals everywhere and there were plants growing all over the place. I don’t mean potted plants, I mean actual plants growing out of the walls. And even the machines and equipment they were using on me were different, too, because Wakanda is this technological... island, sort of, where they’ve developed a lot of their own tech without much outside influence.

RAYNOR: So you didn’t feel threatened in that setting because it was so different from your experiences with HYDRA.

BARNES: I guess. I got worked up once or twice while I was recovering from surgery, but they talked me down pretty easily and no one got hurt.

RAYNOR: I wonder if there’s any way for you to access Wakandan medical care the next time you need help.

BARNES: Yeah, well. Like I said, Ayo made it pretty clear I’m not welcome back anytime soon.

RAYNOR: That’s really troubling you.

BARNES: Yeah.

RAYNOR: Is there anything you can do to resolve the tension with the Wakandans?

BARNES: [Sighs] Not really. Just gotta wait until Shuri stops giving me the cold shoulder.

RAYNOR: Well, even if you can't access Wakandan medical care, as long as you know what triggers you, you might be able to request accommodation in a regular Western hospital. Ask the doctor to take off their white coat, that kind of thing.

BARNES: Honestly? It’s kind of optimistic to think I’d even get far enough to talk to a doctor without losing it.

RAYNOR: You’re talking to me, aren’t you?

BARNES: Ha, ha. Different kind of doctor.

RAYNOR: What about Sam? I was reading up on him and he had some kind of medical background, didn't he?

BARNES: Sam’s pararescue. It’s different.

RAYNOR: But out of curiosity, how would you feel if he were to patch you up? Assuming he had the skills.

BARNES: [Pause] That… would probably be okay, actually.

RAYNOR: Well, that's something to keep in mind. [Pause] I’m looking at the clock and we’re coming up to the end of our time today. Just to check out, how are you feeling now?

BARNES: Fine.

RAYNOR: The spray bottle is not an idle threat, James. Give me a real answer, please.

BARNES: I’m feeling… I don’t know. Kind of stirred up.

RAYNOR: We talked about some heavy things today.

BARNES: Yeah.

RAYNOR: Thank you, James. And thanks for giving it another shot. [Pause] So… will I see you again next week?

BARNES: Yeah. Yes. Sorry for… well, everything.

RAYNOR: You don’t need to apologize, James.

BARNES: It was a stupid idea, trying to quit. You’re helping. This is helping.

RAYNOR: Well, I’m glad to hear you say that. Really, I am.

BARNES: I just get into my own head sometimes, you know?

RAYNOR: And that’s exactly why it’s important to continue seeing each other.

BARNES: Okay.

RAYNOR: I’m going to stop recording now, but I want you to—

End of transcript.

Chapter Text

———

Text thread
04/20/2024
Incoming number: (929) 746-0646 [cell phone registered to James B. Barnes]
Outgoing number: (212) 925-8945 [cell phone registered to Dr. Christina A. Raynor]

BARNES
Hey Doc. I can’t make it this week.
Unless phone call or Facebook is ok?

RAYNOR
It’s called FaceTime, Facebook is something else

BARNES
Well Idfk, I can’t keep track of these things.

RAYNOR
How do you know “idfk” but not Facebook?

BARNES
Teenagers.
Wakandan teenagers.
Don’t ask.

RAYNOR
Lol
Yes that’s fine we’ll make it work
U and Sam heading into the field again?

BARNES
No, but I am going to be seeing him.
Going down to Louisiana to deliver something to him.

RAYNOR
That’s a hell of a long way from NY
Can’t u just mail it?

BARNES
Not really the kind of thing you can mail.
And I could use a road trip anyway.

RAYNOR
Ok then, Thurs morning still ok?

BARNES
Yes. I’ll probably be on my way back by then.
Will make sure I’m somewhere with WiFi.

RAYNOR
Ok
Ttyl
Drive safe

BARNES
:)

———

Session 11
Conducted by Dr. Christina A. Raynor
Incoming number: (929) 746-0646 [cell phone registered to James B. Barnes]
Outgoing number: (212) 925-8945 [cell phone registered to Dr. Christina A. Raynor]
10:32 AM EDT
April 25, 2024

Transcript of FaceTime call as follows:

SGT. JAMES BARNES: Hey, Doc, can you [inaudible]?

DR. CHRISTINA RAYNOR: Hi, James. You’re breaking up a little.

BARNES: How about now?

RAYNOR: Yeah, I think that’s better. Wow, where are you?

BARNES: Outside a truckstop cafe a few miles outside Chattanooga. Kinda out in the boonies, but they said their WiFi was decent.

RAYNOR: Pretty place.

BARNES: Yeah, the mountains are real nice. And the weather’s been this great the whole time.

RAYNOR: Lucky. Are you driving the whole way back?

BARNES: Motorcycle.

RAYNOR: Oh? That’s a long way to go by bike.

BARNES: I like it. Gives me time to think, you know? Besides, not much point owning a car in New York City.

RAYNOR: That’s fair. [Pause] Wait. Why don’t I ever see you bring a motorcycle helmet into my office? Where’s your helmet now?

BARNES: Oh. Uh... I didn’t bring one.

RAYNOR: You’re joking. You and I are doing all this work on fixing your brain, and you’re going to let it get smeared across the highway because, what, you’re too vain to wear a helmet? Jesus, Barnes!

BARNES: C’mon, Doc, I can heal from pretty much anything—

RAYNOR: What about massive brain trauma?

BARNES: Well, yeah. I’m here talking to you instead of working for HYDRA, aren’t I?

RAYNOR: [Pause] All right, I walked into that one.

BARNES: Yup.

RAYNOR: You’re still getting a damn helmet.

BARNES: [Sighs]

RAYNOR: Do you have privacy where you are? Enough for a session?

BARNES: Yup. I know I’m outside, but there’s no one around for miles except the one guy working in the cafe.

RAYNOR: Okay, well, let’s get started. So, tell me about your week. The trip to Sam’s went well? Did you stay with him?

BARNES: Yeah, and his sister and her kids. A bunch of folks were helping them out with their family’s boat, so I stuck around and helped out a little too. Ended up staying over. It was real nice.

RAYNOR: Was that all that happened?

BARNES: I mean, that’s the short version, but yeah, pretty much. Why?

RAYNOR: It’s just, you look good. Your eyes are clearer, you’re smiling more. You just seem… brighter all over.

BARNES: Guess I just had a nice couple of days.

RAYNOR: Well, whatever’s down there in Louisiana is clearly good for you, is all I’m saying. [Pause] How are you sleeping?

BARNES: Fi—

RAYNOR: Do not say the f-word.

BARNES: [Laughs] How about “okay”? Is “okay” okay?

RAYNOR: Don’t you know any other words? I thought education was supposed to have been better in the 1920s.

BARNES: Well, yeah, but we were all starving and had polio. So it evens out.

RAYNOR: You must be sleeping better if you’re feeling well enough to sass me like this.

BARNES: I’m… actually kind of in a good mood. [Pause] What? You’re looking at me funny.

RAYNOR: I just realized you’re not wearing your gloves.

BARNES: God, don’t start giving me grief over not wearing a helmet or gloves—

RAYNOR: No, I just — only a week or two ago, you seemed very reluctant to show your prosthetic in public.

BARNES: Oh. Yeah.

RAYNOR: “Oh, yeah”? What changed?

BARNES: Just… Louisiana, I guess.

RAYNOR: Wow.

BARNES: I had a really nice time. The people down here, they’re not what I expected.

RAYNOR: Tell me more. What made you decide to stop hiding your arm?

BARNES: Well, I had to take the gloves and stuff off because I was working on the boat, and it’s hot as hell down here as well. And by the time we were finished, about half the damn town had seen the arm and they were all really nice about it, and you were pretty calm about it when I showed it to you last week, so I figured… maybe I’d just leave the gloves off for a while.

RAYNOR: Wow.

BARNES: It’s not that big a deal.

RAYNOR: Considering how reluctant you were when we discussed your arm before? Yes, James, it is a big deal. This is really good progress. You’ve come a long way, you know.

BARNES: Oh. Well. Thanks.

RAYNOR: Is that a sunburn or are you blushing?

BARNES: Neither!

RAYNOR: Mm-hmm. Sure it is. I called it, you know. I knew there was something different about you. Being around people, putting yourself out there — it’s so good for you. You’re glowing.

BARNES: Am not.

RAYNOR: Oh, shut up and take a compliment.

BARNES: [Quietly] Thanks.

RAYNOR: And he even smiles!

BARNES: Aw, Doc, lay off, I got a reputation to keep up.

RAYNOR: [Laughs]

BARNES: Hey, so. I, um, talked to Sam about some stuff. Amends stuff. And that list I’ve got in here. All the names I need to… you know.

RAYNOR: What is that?

BARNES: This? I guess I didn’t show you before. It’s Steve’s. Was Steve’s. He gave me this before he left.

RAYNOR: You did mention something about a notebook. Right.

BARNES: Yeah. He used to carry it around in his pocket and whenever someone told him about something he’d missed while he was in the ice, he’d write it down. Movies, music, historical events, that kind of thing. And now I carry it around in my pocket, and, well.

RAYNOR: And is it helping, keeping this list in his old notebook?

BARNES: I thought it would. [Pause] I mean, it’s a piece of him. Sort of the last piece I’ve got, except for the shield, and I thought…

RAYNOR: So are you carrying it around because of the list? Or because it’s a piece of Steve?

BARNES: [Sighs] Both, I guess.

RAYNOR: You really miss him.

BARNES: [Quietly] Best friend I ever had.

RAYNOR: I know you said before that you can’t contact him, but there must be some way to—

BARNES: There isn’t.

RAYNOR: And he’s not coming back? For sure?

BARNES: No.

RAYNOR: Well, that’s just not fair to you. You’re left grieving for someone who isn’t really gone.

BARNES: Don’t get upset on my behalf, okay? It’s, no, it’s... not that simple. He got to — he got something good. Something he deserved. [Quietly] He even asked if I wanted to go with him.

RAYNOR: Why didn’t you?

BARNES: I wanted to. More than just about anything. But… you know. Going with him would mean walking away from the mess I just spent seventy years making. Didn’t seem right. So... I let him go.

RAYNOR: Are you all right? Do you need to take a minute?

BARNES: No. I’m okay. [Pause] It’s just — I’ve been away from HYDRA for years and it’s like they’re still finding ways to fucking take things away from me.

RAYNOR: It’s okay to be angry.

BARNES: Good, because I am. Just not at Steve. I’m happy for him. Or at least I’m trying to be. Just… it’s hard, you know? I thought he’d be the one thing, the one constant I could... [clears throat]. And he was pretty much the only person left who actually believed in me. Believed I could come back from what they turned me into.

RAYNOR: And now he’s gone.

BARNES: And, yeah. [Sighs] He’s gone.

RAYNOR: So where does that leave you?

BARNES: I don’t know.

RAYNOR: [Pause] James, you say no one believes in you now that Steve is gone. But that’s just not true. You’ve been pardoned for everything you did as the Winter Soldier, you’ve been honourably discharged from the military, you’ve received all your backpay from your years as a POW—

BARNES: Yeah, well—

RAYNOR: Those are signs that people do believe in you. Wouldn’t you agree?

BARNES: No, that stuff just means the government’s agreed to let me live in society again. It doesn’t mean people believe I’m… good. Big difference.

RAYNOR: [Pause] You mentioned a while back — only in passing — that people sometimes say hurtful things to you when they figure out who you are. When they clock you as the Winter Soldier. Is that what you’re referring to?

BARNES: Public perception? Partly, I guess.

RAYNOR: Mm. And the other part?

BARNES: Personal stuff. Friends. I just… didn’t have anyone left. No one to trust. No one who’d trust me.

RAYNOR: You’re using the past tense there.

BARNES: Well, now I’m thinking maybe — maybe I’ve got at least one person who maybe thinks I’m not a complete waste of space.

RAYNOR: Sam?

BARNES: Sam.

RAYNOR: I’m really glad to hear that, James, I really am. [Pause] By the way, you can make it two people. You’ve got me, too, you know.

BARNES: Well, you’re my therapist.

RAYNOR: Yes. Which I would think makes me the most qualified person to believe in you.

[Silence — seven seconds.]

RAYNOR: Now that is definitely not a sunburn.

BARNES: Aw, shut up.

RAYNOR: [Laughs] So, to go back to this notebook — that’s where you’re keeping those lists you’ve been telling me about?

BARNES: Yeah.

RAYNOR: But not lists of things you want to catch up on, like Steve did.

BARNES: Honestly, I can’t bring myself to give that much of a shit about that stuff. History’s the important thing. Figuring out what happened while I was gone. Especially if it’s political events that HYDRA might have had a hand in.

RAYNOR: Are you having trouble remembering?

BARNES: Not the HYDRA stuff. The thing is, I remember the missions, but I didn’t always understand what I was doing. Sometimes I didn’t even know what country I was in. Just — “go here, kill this person, exfil with no witnesses”, or whatever they wanted me to do. Those parts are very clear. But I don’t always have the bigger picture. So I’m trying to put the pieces together. [Quietly] My head handler once told me I had shaped the century. I don’t even wanna think about what that means.

RAYNOR: So that’s why you’re so focused on history.

BARNES: Yeah. I don’t really care about — I don’t know, Star Wars or Marvin Gaye or whatever—

RAYNOR: Marvin Gaye?

BARNES: [Sighs] Nevermind, it’s this whole thing with Sam. He’s obsessed.

RAYNOR: And you don’t like Marvin Gaye?

BARNES: Oh God, don’t you start too.

RAYNOR: Wow, sore subject. [Pause] I have to say, I find it interesting how different your approach is from Steve’s.

BARNES: How so?

RAYNOR: Well, it sounds like he tried to acclimate himself to living in a new century by learning as much as he could, soaking up the culture. And it sounds like you are trying to acclimate yourself by… well, frankly, by ignoring the culture completely. Instead all your energy has been going into cutting a swathe through anyone who hurt you.

BARNES: Well, the swathe is mostly people who used me to do their dirty work when I was the Winter Soldier, not the people who hurt me. I already took care of most of them. [Pause] Maybe, uh, maybe forget you heard that part.

RAYNOR: You must have broken up again for a minute there, I didn’t hear a thing you said.

BARNES: Thanks, Doc.

RAYNOR: I have no idea what you could mean.

BARNES: Ha. [Pause] Anyway, comparing me to Steve doesn’t really work. Steve was a hero. He came outta the ice and people threw him a parade. Literally. There was a parade, I saw the video. Me, I got less fanfare and more death threats—

RAYNOR: [Sighs] And comparing yourself to others isn’t always constructive anyway. Point taken. So, has the list of amends been helping? Have you been working on it recently?

BARNES: Not since this whole Karli mess started, but… that’s actually what I was talking to Sam about.

RAYNOR: Oh?

BARNES: Well, there are a lot of names written in this book. Some, like the senator I took down a couple months ago, are people I did jobs for — espionage, wetwork, that kind of thing. And some are people like Yori. People who I owe. [Pause] I talked to Sam about it yesterday. He thinks I need to stop focusing on chasing down the people I enabled, and start trying to help the people I hurt.

RAYNOR: Sam sounds like a very wise man.

BARNES: Well, he definitely knows more about this stuff than I do, so.

RAYNOR: And you’re apparently willing to listen to him, which puts him a rung above me.

BARNES: Ouch.

RAYNOR: He’s not wrong, though. Think about it like this: all you’ve known, for almost as long as you can remember, is violence. So solving problems violently has been your go-to method.

BARNES: But you said I wasn’t allowed to be violent.

RAYNOR: Don’t pout, Barnes.

BARNES: I’m not pouting—

RAYNOR: Responding to problems with violence is a pattern HYDRA programmed into you, and it’s one you’re still running on.

BARNES: What? No, I’ve been following your three rules. No violence. I just turn these people in. Mostly.

RAYNOR: “Mostly”? I don’t even... [sighs] God help me, James. Anyway, that’s not what I meant. Maybe you’re not going around stabbing people, but you’re still on the warpath, aren’t you?

BARNES: Not exactly. Trying to make amends is nothing like being the Winter Soldier again.

RAYNOR: Maybe it isn’t, and maybe it is. Listen. You’re used to being given a mission. Someone to track down and hurt. That’s how HYDRA taught you things are done. And I think even now, years after getting yourself free, that’s how you approach your problems. With detachment and focus and no regard for anything that gets in the way. Like they’re missions.

BARNES: [Sighs]

RAYNOR: And it sounds like what Sam’s suggesting is to break that habit. To try to solve your problems by... by offering these people something, instead of taking something away from someone.

BARNES: That’s… actually a nice way to put it.

RAYNOR: You could do worse than hanging around Sam Wilson, you know.

BARNES: [Laughs] You sound like my mom.

RAYNOR: I’ll choose to take that as a compliment. [Pause] I don’t mean to change the topic if there’s more you want to talk about regarding your amends—

BARNES: Not really.

RAYNOR: —but I meant to ask, have you heard anything more from your Wakandan friends? I know you’ve been pretty upset about that whole… debacle.

BARNES: Yeah! Actually, I did. I’m still definitely in the doghouse, but Shuri might not completely hate my guts.

RAYNOR: You heard from her?

BARNES: Just a note, not a call or anything. And it was a very pissed-off note. But the thing I was delivering to Sam down in Delacroix — it was actually something from Shuri. Something she made for him, something I requested from her. And the note that came with it was for me.

RAYNOR: So you’ve opened up contact?

BARNES: Well, it’s more like she’s thrown a brick through my window wrapped in a note that says “I don’t hate you completely”. Metaphorically.

RAYNOR: Well, that’s still progress.

BARNES: You’re telling me. God. I know I have no claim to Wakanda. I don’t have citizenship, they owe me less than nothing, but the thought of never setting foot there again...

RAYNOR: That place means a lot to you.

BARNES: Kinda feels more like home than Brooklyn does these days.

RAYNOR: Mm. You don’t feel at home in Brooklyn?

BARNES: Well… you ever seen pics of Brooklyn in the 1930s, Doc?

RAYNOR: Can’t say I have.

BARNES: A lot of it’s the same. Old brick buildings, the kind of stuff that’s built to last. But when I lived there, it was pretty poor. A lot of Irish immigrants, like Steve’s mom. A lot of people going without, but it had this… spirit, kind of. Like no matter how bad things were, people would look out for each other. Now? Jesus, now it’s all… fancy brownstones and rich assholes who won’t look you in the eye.

RAYNOR: Have you considered moving? Even just to another borough?

BARNES: I don’t know where I’d go. My family moved to Brooklyn when I was six. People didn’t travel as much in those days unless you had to, so I never really left the state again until I got drafted. So after… after everything, I guess I just wanted to go back to the one place I knew from before. But. [Sighs]

RAYNOR: James. You do realize you’re grieving for Brooklyn, too, don’t you.

BARNES: I’m not grieving. I’m… adjusting.

RAYNOR: The same way you’re “adjusting” to living without Steve Rogers.

BARNES: I… maybe. I don’t know. [Quietly] Even if I left, I don’t have anywhere else to go.

RAYNOR: Except Wakanda.

BARNES: Except maybe Wakanda. Before I fucked that up.

RAYNOR: Tell me about Wakanda, if it helps. We’ve talked about how you felt very safe there.

BARNES: High-tech hidden city surrounded by a literal forcefield will do that.

RAYNOR: What was your life there like? You said it was calm. A break in the middle of all the fighting.

BARNES: Yeah. [Pause] It was… quiet.

RAYNOR: A quiet city?

BARNES: I wasn’t in the city. Once I was awake and they were sure I wasn’t going to rip anyone’s throat out, they moved me out to this village outside the capital.

RAYNOR: A Wakandan village. Wow. What was that like?

BARNES: Not what I expected. Did a lot of farm work, physical work. Helped look after the village kids a bit. [Pause] Well, honestly, it was probably the other way around — they looked after me. God, those kids were amazing, they could do anything. They all spoke about six languages and probably had a better science education than any high schooler in America.

RAYNOR: Impressive.

BARNES: Yeah. I only had one arm when I was living with them, so they followed me around and helped me out with stuff I couldn’t do. I still had long hair and they used to braid it for me in all kinds of ways. Stuck flowers in it and everything. [Laughs] Not my best look, but they loved it.

RAYNOR: [Laughs] That’s sweet. [Pause] You seem very fond when talking about these children. Have you thought about ever—

BARNES: Come on, Doc. Don’t ask me what you’re about to ask me.

RAYNOR: Is the idea of having kids a sensitive subject?

BARNES: Not sensitive, no, just — that life isn’t for me. Maybe once it would have been. But not anymore.

RAYNOR: I’m sorry.

BARNES: It is what it is, I guess. I’m not that sore about it. Or if I was, I’m over it now. I like kids, but it just wasn’t the hand I got dealt.

RAYNOR: [Pause] You’ve told me a couple of times before that you can’t picture your future.

BARNES: [Scoffs] Probably safer not to try.

RAYNOR: Were kids ever something you envisioned for yourself? Now that you no longer picture yourself having them, is that maybe part of why you have difficulty imagining a future?

BARNES: I mean, where I come from — when I come from — it was just kind of assumed. You got married and had kids, that’s what everyone did, so I never really gave it much thought and always kind of assumed that after the war, if I survived, I’d come home and... yeah. [Pause] People these days have a lot more choice.

RAYNOR: I guess we do.

BARNES: Honestly, I have more trouble picturing my life without Steve than my life without kids.

RAYNOR: Go on.

BARNES: Well, Steve and I were attached at the hip since we were little, and I just always kind of looked out for him. Can’t tell you the number of times that scrawny jackass started a fight he couldn’t win.

RAYNOR: And you were always there to save him. Or so the stories go.

BARNES: Well, yeah. He was like a hundred pounds soaking wet, and his favourite hobby was finding a fist to put his face in front of. He’d never have survived to high school graduation if I hadn’t stepped in.

RAYNOR: I get the feeling that you like looking after people.

BARNES: Just always ended up doing it. I mean, besides handling Steve, I also grew up with three little sisters. And then I was a sergeant and I had my guys to look after, so.

RAYNOR: So this is a pattern throughout your life for you. Looking after people. Filling that caretaker role.

BARNES: It’s not something I try to do, it just kind of… happens.

RAYNOR: But you feel good doing it.

BARNES: I guess. Yeah, I guess I do. It’s just what I’ve always done. Just feels… right.

RAYNOR: Mm. Is there anyone in your life right now who you’re able to look after like that? Any kind of an outlet for that energy?

BARNES: [Pause] Yori, I guess.

RAYNOR: Ah.

BARNES: Other than that, watching Sam’s ass is probably about as close as I get these days. But he’s pretty capable. He doesn’t really need me.

RAYNOR: You really still think he’s just keeping you around out of pity?

BARNES: [Sighs] I think he inherited more than one difficult antique from Steve. Hang on, there’s a truck going past and — [inaudible]. Sorry, got kinda noisy.

RAYNOR: That’s fine.

BARNES: But… I know this thing with Yori can’t go on forever. I’m on my way back to Brooklyn for a reason. I gotta… I gotta stop putting this off. I gotta take care of this mess I’ve made. Like Sam said. I gotta give closure to these people wherever I can.

RAYNOR: I know that’s going to be hard on you.

BARNES: I don’t know how I’m gonna do it. I can’t. Every time I think I’m ready to tell Yori, I just… can’t.

RAYNOR: Sometimes when you’re feeling paralyzed by anxiety, it’s helpful to imagine the worst case scenario.

BARNES: Believe me, I’m already doing that.

[Silence — six seconds.]

RAYNOR: Do you ever think about what you’ll do with yourself afterwards?

BARNES: After what?

RAYNOR: After your amends are finished. After all those names in your book are dealt with, whatever that looks like.

[Silence — ten seconds.]

RAYNOR: James?

BARNES: No.

RAYNOR: No?

BARNES: No. I can’t even think about it.

RAYNOR: What if you just imagined for a minute? Just let yourself imagine your best life. What does it look like? Who are you with, what kind of place do you live in, what are you doing?

BARNES: I honestly don’t know, Doc. I really can’t say.

RAYNOR: Humour me, James. Just stop for a second. Just… pause. Think about your life so far. I know you’ve been through a lot, but there were also some good times, right? So, what has made you happy in the past?

BARNES: I have no idea. Probably, like... just normal life around 1938, ‘39. When I wasn’t busy scraping Steve’s mangled ass off the street.

RAYNOR: Mm. [Pause] You’ve told me before that while your HYDRA memories are very clear, you don’t remember much about the time before. And in your file, in your SHIELD psych eval that you underwent as part of your pardon, there’s a note that memory loss is a recurring issue for you.

BARNES: It’s not that bad. I remember a bit. But just like with my shoulder, even the Wakandans couldn’t fix everything. Turns out a lot of my brain is scrambled eggs, and some parts of it don’t unscramble.

RAYNOR: How long has it been since you had a neurological checkup? A brain scan, an MRI, anything like that?

BARNES: Not since Wakanda. And before you tell me I need one, you know it’s not going to happen.

RAYNOR: [Sighs] Well, any changes since then? Differences in cognition, memory, emotional regulation?

BARNES: I don’t think so.

RAYNOR: What did the Wakandans say? Do they think you might recover more of what you’ve lost as time goes on?

BARNES: They weren’t sure. Maybe this is as good as it’s gonna get. The serum’s good, and it can grow back a lot of brain tissue, but that new tissue isn’t going to hold the same memories as the parts that got burned out, you know? The doctors said in some places the memories still exist and the connections just needed time to regrow, which is how I was able to get any of it back at all. I don’t think I’m explaining this well, but that’s the gist of what they told me.

RAYNOR: Okay. Okay. So, tell me what you do remember. You say you were happy in the 1930s. What made you happy?

BARNES: Well, for starters I guess life was just… stable.

RAYNOR: How so? What was your life like?

BARNES: I was working for my family’s business. I think my pop figured I’d take over from him and run the place eventually. A lot of folks were having a real bad time — I mean, it was the middle of the Depression — but my family was middle class and we were all right. Eventually Steve moved in with me, and that was really nice.

RAYNOR: Mm. There’s that caretaker role again.

BARNES: I guess. His mom had just passed away, though, so it wasn’t really a great time for him. I don’t remember Mrs. Rogers all that well — I don’t remember my own mom that well — but I remember she was a real nice lady. I mean, she raised Steve Rogers, so.

RAYNOR: She must have been very special.

BARNES: She was. [Pause] Other than that… I think I went out a lot. Lots of drinking, lots of dancing, lots of girls.

RAYNOR: Any steady girlfriends?

BARNES: Not really. One or two, maybe. I don’t really remember them.

RAYNOR: What about your family?

BARNES: Mom, dad, and three little sisters.

RAYNOR: Bet they kept you busy.

BARNES: [Laughs] Oh, yeah. And there was Steve and Mrs. Rogers. They counted as family too, pretty much, since me and Steve were so close. Our families did holidays together, that kind of thing, and my folks always made sure the Rogerses had what they needed. Steve’s dad died in the Great War and Mrs. R never remarried, and back then not having a man around the house was a big deal. I used to...

RAYNOR: [Pause] What? What is it?

BARNES: I just remembered I used to call her that. Mrs. R. I’d… they’d taken that.

RAYNOR: Oh, James.

BARNES: Yeah. So. [Clears throat] So, yeah, me and my folks kinda looked out for them.

RAYNOR: Do you want to take a minute? That was a big moment just now.

BARNES: No, it’s fine. It happens.

RAYNOR: Do you think talking about this stuff is helpful? That it stimulates your memory, maybe?

BARNES: I don’t know.

RAYNOR: Let’s try. Let’s just try, all right? Tell me about your parents.

BARNES: Wish I could. Like I said, I don’t have much.

RAYNOR: You don’t remember them at all?

BARNES: Just… impressions, mostly. Bits and pieces, like little snapshots. I remember they were nice people most of the time. It wasn’t like we didn’t ever have problems, but I think it was a pretty happy family overall, pretty tight-knit.

RAYNOR: And your sisters?

BARNES: I can remember one of them better than I can remember the others. She was the oldest of them, so we were close. We used to joke that she was gonna marry Steve and then Steve and I could be family for real. [Pause] I looked her up after I got out. She passed in 2009.

RAYNOR: I’m sorry.

BARNES: Yeah. Me too. Just missed her by a couple of years. Maybe if I’d gotten out sooner, I could have… [Sighs]

RAYNOR: And your parents?

BARNES: Passed away too, long time ago. In the ‘70s. Mom first, then my pop real soon after.

RAYNOR: How do you feel about that?

BARNES: How the hell do you think I feel? They were my parents. I don’t remember much about them but I still loved them. And they lived the rest of their lives thinking I was dead. Then again, it’s probably better that they never knew what happened. What I turned into. [Pause] I should probably tell you that one of my sisters is still alive.

RAYNOR: Sorry, what?

BARNES: My youngest sister. She’s still alive.

RAYNOR: What? Oh my God. You really know how to bury the goddamn lede, don’t you? Jesus! Have you reached out to her?

BARNES: No. And before you say it, no, I’m not going to.

RAYNOR: James!

BARNES: I barely remember her, and she’s ninety-eight, okay? She doesn’t need me to… to upset her. She was still in high school when I went to war. She’s lived a whole life since then. She’d barely remember me.

RAYNOR: Listen to yourself! She’s ninety-eight. You’re not going to have this opportunity forever. Maybe not even for much longer—

BARNES: I can’t. Okay? It would be crueler to… [sighs]. I made sure she was taken care of — I looked into her care home and made sure she’s being treated right, no complaints or weird staff or anything. But that’s it. I can’t. Full stop. I can’t. Can’t do that to her. Can you imagine how awful it would be for her? To find out what I became?

RAYNOR: If she’s at all lucid, she’s likely already aware. You’ve been in and out of the news a lot since escaping HYDRA.

BARNES: All the more reason to stay the hell away from her. If she knows, she’s probably terrified of me.

RAYNOR: Is it really about her feelings? Or is it about yours?

BARNES: [Sighs] I’ve got other people I need to look after. People I owe things to, people I hurt, like Yori.

RAYNOR: She is your last living immediate family. I can’t believe — how long have you even known about her?

BARNES: I found out a few years ago. I was… kind of a mess back then, okay? I had no idea who I was, but I had this name I’d seen in a museum. James Buchanan Barnes. I was really fucked up at the time — completely lost, and everything hurt, and I knew HYDRA would come for me, so I just kind of… ran. For a long time. And then one day I woke up and remembered that I’d had a family. So I stole a laptop, and I looked myself up. And I found their names.

RAYNOR: And you found out about her then? That she was alive?

BARNES: Yeah. So I've known about her for a long time. [Pause] Believe me, I’ve thought about calling, or visiting, or... but I think it would scare the shit outta her, you know?

RAYNOR: James — I’m not going to beg you to do this. But I am going to ask you to think very carefully about your choice not to reach out. You may have a very limited amount of time to give her closure about your disappearance. And to get some closure for yourself. Don’t you think you deserve that? Both of you?

BARNES: I’ll… I’ll consider it.

RAYNOR: Thank you. Please do. [Sighs]

BARNES: [Quietly] I do miss them. What I remember of them.

RAYNOR: Your family?

BARNES: Yeah. Meeting Sam’s family down in Lousiana reminded me.

RAYNOR: Tell me about your time with the Wilsons.

BARNES: Well, Sam’s sister is Sarah, and she’s got a couple of boys — I think seven and ten? Somewhere around there. Single mom, dad passed away before the Blip. She's amazing. She and the boys live in the same house that Sam and Sarah grew up in, which is neat.

RAYNOR: Wow. Lots of family history there.

BARNES: Oh yeah. And they’re just so… [sighs]. Everyone in that house just loves each other like crazy. It’s just coming out of their pores, you know?

RAYNOR: And how did that make you feel, staying with them?

BARNES: I thought it’d be weirder than it was. But after about five minutes, I had one kid on my shoulders and the other one messing around with my arm—

RAYNOR: Wow.

BARNES: —and yeah, it just went from there. It was so just... nice. Nice people. Nice family. They’re so welcoming, you know? I miss that.

RAYNOR: What specifically do you miss?

BARNES: I don’t know. [Pause] Having people I don't have to lie to, because I guess Sam already briefed them on who I was, and somehow they were still okay with having me sleep on their couch. People I can just be myself around. [Pause] I guess I do miss having people who need me. People to look after. Like you were saying.

RAYNOR: Mm. And what’s stopping you from having that?

[Silence — nine seconds.]

RAYNOR: James? Still with me?

BARNES: I’m thinking. [Pause] Sometimes… sometimes I get to thinking I can’t be around people anymore. It’s like… last week I saw this news story about dogs that get rescued from dogfighting rings. People try to rehabilitate them and give them to families to be pets. And sometimes it works and the dog ends up having a good life. But sometimes the dog still ends up… you know, having to be put down. Because it’s fucked up for good. It attacks people, it mauls kids, it kills other dogs and cats and whatever looks at it the wrong way. Because it got taught too well.

RAYNOR: You think of yourself like that?

BARNES: It’s safer than not, you know?

RAYNOR: You’re not going to snap and kill someone. You know you’re not—

BARNES: The trigger words.

RAYNOR: The words are gone, aren’t they?

BARNES: Doesn’t make it less — I mean, thinking of how easily — Jesus, what if there are more words out there I don’t even know about? Zemo had the red book, but what if there are other books out there with other ways to control me?

RAYNOR: It was the only one, James. The HYDRA files I saw were very explicit about that. There was a reason that book was so valuable to them.

BARNES: They had layers upon layers of secrets. Secrets as far down as you can imagine. They could have failsafes, things in my brain I don’t even know about—

RAYNOR: And so on this off-chance, you’re not going to let yourself be around humans? You’re going to let HYDRA have that power over you?

BARNES: I can’t risk it. Don’t you get that?

RAYNOR: But what about you? What about your needs?

BARNES: Whatever needs I have, they don’t take priority over other people’s safety.

RAYNOR: James, you need to learn to trust people, and you need to trust yourself. You’ve got to come to terms with that. Because what I’m hearing is that you miss being around people — that you feel a need to look after people, even — and you’re denying yourself that because you’re worried you might hurt someone. Which is, itself, part of your need to protect other people, paradoxically.

BARNES: It’s pretty fucked up, isn’t it.

RAYNOR: Your intentions are noble. I can see that. But James — staying away from people is what’s really going to mess you up.

BARNES: Better than me messing them up.

RAYNOR: Are we still talking about Sam’s family? Or about spending time with civilians in general?

BARNES: Both? Neither? I don’t even know. I had a real nice time with the Wilsons. I just… don’t know if I ought to see them again. Or get too close.

RAYNOR: [Sighs] Every relationship comes with risk. Every single one. All right? And maybe the risk for them is one they’re willing to take. Can you respect that?

BARNES: I don’t know. [Pause] I’ll… think about it.

RAYNOR: I hope you do. Because it's pretty clear just from looking at you that whatever's down there in Louisiana is really, really good for you. [Pause] We’re just about at the end of our time for today. How are you feeling?

BARNES: Like I need a whole other roadtrip to recover from this conversation.

RAYNOR: We’ve covered some difficult stuff today. You did really well. And I hope you’re going to think about what I said about your sister.

BARNES: I’ll give it some thought. But I’m not making any promises.

RAYNOR: When will you be back in New York? What’s next for you?

BARNES: Should be home by tomorrow night. And then I figured I’d start tackling that list again. Maybe focus on the people I can help, like Sam said, not the ones I need to stop. [Pause] And Karli Morgenthau’s still out there. I don’t know what it’s gonna look like when she decides to come out of hiding, but I think it’s gonna be ugly.

RAYNOR: Well, just make sure you look after yourself, James.

BARNES: Yes, Doc.

RAYNOR: Be careful on the road. And get yourself a damn helmet!

BARNES: [Sighs] Yes, Doc.

RAYNOR: See you next week.

BARNES: Take care of yourself.

End of transcript.

Chapter Text

———

Supplementary material #3: Media transcript

SAM WILSON & BUCKY BARNES POST-FLAGSMASHER ATTACK NYC 04/29/24
[UNCUT/UNEDITED COMPLETE]

This transcript and all associated footage, files, and soundbites are the legal property of GNG Broadcasting. For authorized media use only.

Editorial notes:
-Check w/ Carrie in production re: Wilson — credit as Captain America or Sam Wilson, Samuel, etc.?
-” for Barnes — James or Bucky first name? Check the station’s previous coverage (2016 UN explosion/manhunt) for consistency
-Cut everything after 3:34 mark (“No one else I’d rather have at my back”) but save complete file for archive.
-Send timestamps for soundbites to Darren by 4 AM AT LATEST to meet 6 AM publication deadline

INTERVIEWER: Are we rolling?

[Background noise — unclear]

INTERVIEWER: Okay. Okay. They’re coming this way. You getting this, Mike?

BARNES: [Inaudible] ...said Sharon’s gonna be fine.

WILSON: [Inaudible]

INTERVIEWER: Captain America! Captain America, over here.

BARNES: Oh, great, look, more of them.

INTERVIEWER: Cameron Silva, GNG Broadcasting. Can we get a short interview with you boys?

WILSON: Yeah. Sure.

BARNES: Sam, no. You’ve already done, like, four of these tonight. [To the interviewer] He did his big statement thing in front of everyone earlier, didn’t you get enough footage of that?

WILSON: It’s okay, Buck, I don’t mind.

BARNES: Come on, it’s past midnight and we saved, like, a hundred people tonight—

INTERVIEWER: Major Wilson, is that still your title or would you prefer to be addressed as Captain Wilson now?

WILSON: I ain’t in the military anymore. Mister is fine.

INTERVIEWER: Do you think the Flag-Smasher threat is gone now that Karli Morgenthau has been—

BARNES: Hey! A kid is dead, okay? Have some respect. Give him some fucking space.

WILSON: Easy. Hey, can you give us a minute? [To Barnes] It’s okay. I need to do this.

BARNES: What you need is to get those goddamn ribs wrapped.

WILSON: I said I got this, man. Look, it’s important to do this now, okay? All the reporters and cameras and shit are here. Right now. I got this opportunity tonight, might not have it tomorrow. I don’t wanna waste it.

BARNES: These fucking vultures—

WILSON: Cool off, Buck. Go take a walk. I’ll deal with this. Look, can I — can you find me a bottle of water? I’m dying here.

BARNES: Yeah, man. You got it. [To interviewer] Don’t pull any shit, I’m gonna watch this later and I will find out where you—

WILSON: Bucky!

BARNES: I’m going!

WILSON: Okay. You guys have about three minutes tops before Sergeant Crankypants over there comes back and glares you into next week. Whatever questions you got, ask ‘em now.

INTERVIEWER: To go back to my earlier question, can you tell us whether the Flag-Smashers are still a threat now that Karli Morgenthau has been killed?

WILSON: I can’t say for sure what will happen to the organization now, but I don’t think people need to be afraid.

INTERVIEWER: How do you feel about working with the NYPD tonight?

WILSON: Oh, real subtle. Wouldn’t be asking me this question if I were white, huh? [Pause] All I can say is, as a Black man, my feelings about the police are always gonna be complicated. But I genuinely appreciate the NYPD’s help and their courage tonight.

INTERVIEWER: How long have you been working with Sergeant Barnes?

WILSON: Can’t really put an exact date on it, but me and Bucky been working this Flag-Smasher thing since probably about February.

INTERVIEWER: What’s it like, working with him?

WILSON: No one else I’d rather have at my back.

INTERVIEWER: No problems?

WILSON: No. Next question.

INTERVIEWER: Is the Winter Soldier really gone?

WILSON: Oh, what, seriously? The man walks away for thirty seconds and you’re trying to start this shit behind his back? Why don’t you grow a pair and ask him yourself?

INTERVIEWER: There’s just a lot of speculation that—

WILSON: That’s called slander, and it’s your job as a journalist to shut it down.

INTERVIEWER: The people deserve to know if there’s a threat.

WILSON: A threat? No. There is no threat. Do you have any idea what that guy has been through?

INTERVIEWER: Yes, Captain Wilson, but—

WILSON: No, I don’t think you do. And I think you don’t understand what it means, him fighting his way back from all of that shit only to be doubted by people like you. Listen up. I never want to hear you, or anyone, question his character like that. Not ever. Especially not right after he gets done saving a bunch of civilian asses. You understand? And I told you, it’s Mr. Wilson. Or Sam. I ain’t a captain.

INTERVIEWER: But you’re Captain America now.

WILSON: Then call me that. Better yet, don’t call me at all. [Pause] Thanks, Buck.

BARNES: Yup.

WILSON: Hey, reporter dude. You got anything you wanna ask my partner here?

INTERVIEWER: Uh, no, sir, I think that about wraps it up.

WILSON: Good. We going home. C’mon, Bucky.

End of interview transcript.

Chapter Text

Supplementary material #4

Letter from Col. Helmut Zemo to Sgt. James Barnes
Delivered May 2, 2024

Return address:
Helmut Zemo #18339301
The Raft
Unit [REDACTED]
[REDACTED]
[REDACTED]

——————

Sgt. James “Bucky” Barnes
#110 44518 Carroll St., Brooklyn, NY
11213-4404
April 30 2024

My dear James,

With you in my thoughts, I have followed with great interest last night’s news coverage as it emerged from New York City. I extend both my congratulations for your victory over the so-called Flag-Smashers, and my sympathies for any unease it has left in you. Though you know I do not mourn the loss of Karli Morgenthau and her associates, I have no doubt their deaths do not sit easily on your heart.

I sense in you a dichotomy, James. It is the same dichotomy that lives in the hearts of all noble men, because to be noble and to be a man are two opposing things. It is the tug between two unmeshing ideals: to live gently and do no harm, and to follow the pull of your blood and your heart and take up arms for what is right. Some men find it easy to follow one way or the other; others, whether through fate or by the character of their spirit, find it less easy to choose. You are particularly troubled by this choice, and for reasons we both know well. Remembering this, it pleased me very much to see on the news that you have not allowed your gentle nature to overcome your better instincts in the matter of Karli's fate.

There is a living flicker I see behind your eyes from time to time; it reminds me of what in my beloved Sokovian language we once called a prisotok. Perhaps the closest translation would be the English term revenant, particularly considering the word’s rather poetic root in the French verb to return. The prisotok is a supernatural spirit fed by neglect and forgetting. Such ghosts are born when our lives change and we no longer pay tribute to the early places and experiences that shaped us. The result is an inescapable hungry shadow of our early lives, a ghostly force that rises up to haunt us with waxing strength as we grow older. Its fury is born from the righteous fear that it may be forgotten. It craves acknowledgement. It will not be denied. Such ghosts can never be exorcised fully; like so many household spirits in the folklore of my people, they must simply be appeased. We must learn to make a place at the table for our spectres rather than banish them.

The struggle I sense in you now, James, is the same struggle that I once glimpsed through two inches of bulletproof glass, as I spoke the words that brought back to life the prisotok we both know still haunts you. You were a means to an end then, much as I was to you on our more recent adventures. But we are indeed both noble men, as much as we can be, and I understand the necessity of action and the sharp edge of desperation as well as you do. I bear you good will, and I trust the sentiment is returned — if not wholly, then at least enough for you to accept this letter and its advice as the words of one who has proven himself worthy of your trust.

Be reassured, James — for I see also in you the need for reassurance — that your actions against Karli were noble, your victory deserved and honourable. Do not deny yourself some time now for contentment. You have done well. Rest on your laurels a while. Trouble inevitably comes for men like us, sooner perhaps than later, and we soldiers must always take a little rest where we can.

During my interminable time here in this paradox of a prison — solid and dry, bright and sterile at all hours of the day, yet hidden deep under the dark sleeping waters of the sea — I find my more pleasant days consumed by my enjoyment of literature. I have translated for you a few lines from a poem that I found particularly stirring. It is by the fine Polish poet Antoni Słonimski, an excerpt from a longer work titled Warsaw:

Your ruins will be buried in dust,
But from that dust bloody roses will spring.
And only one thing will not betray you — song,
Song, that like a gale carries the angry storm.

I trust you will remember the song that carries the storm within you, James, and learn to sing it well.

I remain,

Your friend in all seasons,
Helmut Zemo

P.S. Please extend my warm congratulations to Sam on his new title and honours.

Chapter Text

———

Dr. RAYNOR, Christina A.
Patient: Sgt. BARNES, James B. — DOB 03/10/1917

Session 12
Conducted by Dr. Christina A. Raynor
10:30 AM, May 2, 2024
Unit #124, 325 West 27th Street, New York City, NY, United States of America, Earth

 Transcript of recording as follows:

RAYNOR: —so we can get started. Recording, Dr. Christina Raynor, patient James Barnes, May second. Oh, and by the way, James…

BARNES: What’s this?

RAYNOR: It’s for you.

BARNES: Don’t I usually bring you coffee?

RAYNOR: Well, today I’m flipping the script. Consider it a very small thank-you.

BARNES: For what?

RAYNOR: Don’t play dumb, Barnes. [Quietly] You saved a lot of people the other night, you know.

BARNES: Oh. That.

RAYNOR: “Oh, that”? Really?

BARNES: Well, it was mostly Sam.

RAYNOR: That’s not what the papers are saying. There’s footage. You fighting those terrorists. Getting hurt, saving people, doing something exceptionally stupid with a motorcycle. [Pause] You’re a hero.

BARNES: [Quietly] Thanks. For the coffee, and for… yeah.

RAYNOR: That was pretty big, what happened out there with the Flag-Smashers. How are you feeling about it?

[Silence — eight seconds.]

RAYNOR: That good, huh?

BARNES: It’s fine.

RAYNOR: Oh joy, my favourite answer. You know I’m not going to let you get away with brushing me off like that.

BARNES: I’m not brushing you off.

RAYNOR: Well, you’re also not giving me a straight answer. I know that look, you’re not nearly as stoic as you’d like to think you are. You’re upset.

BARNES: It’s nothing.

RAYNOR: James, you were doing so well when you came back from Louisiana. It’s barely been a week and now you look even more miserable than before. Even though you and Sam just had a big win. What’s going on?

BARNES: I don't know.

RAYNOR: You know perfectly well, you just don’t want to tell me. [Pause] Should I get out my notebook?

BARNES: Doc. Please. Just go easy on me today, okay?

RAYNOR: I will if you just do what we’re here to do. Talk to me. [Pause] So? Is it the Flag-Smashers thing, did something happen during that fight?

BARNES: No. Not really.

RAYNOR: Do you want to debrief a little? Tell me about the fight?

BARNES: Great. I love debriefs.

RAYNOR: [Sighs] I keep telling you, you’ve got to learn to process things in a healthy way, James. Squashing feelings down doesn’t help—

BARNES: —doesn’t help anything, yeah, I know, I get it.

RAYNOR: [Pause] Okay, do you want to just cancel our session for today? Because it sure doesn’t seem like you want to be here.

BARNES: No, I… [sighs]. I’m sorry, Doc. I’m just… I’m tired today. But I do want to keep going. I know this — these sessions — they do help.

RAYNOR: Okay. So? What’s eating you today?

[Silence — seven seconds.]

BARNES: [Quietly] The thing is, I know what I gotta do next. But I can’t do it.

RAYNOR: Oh?

BARNES: I’ve been putting everything off. Trying to be ready for whenever Karli popped up again. Been wound up tight all week, just waiting. Haven’t called Yori or thought about my sister or my amends list or — Jesus, or any of the other shit I’m supposed to be working on.

RAYNOR: Mm. And now?

BARNES: And now… it’s over. This whole Flag-Smashers, Power Broker, stolen serum thing is done, more or less. Now I have no excuse.

RAYNOR: So you’re anxious about what’s going to happen next.

BARNES: Yeah.

RAYNOR: Of those things that are weighing on you, which one of those things is the worst?

BARNES: Yori.

RAYNOR: That was quick.

BARNES: Yeah, well, it’s the most overdue. I know what I have to do, what I gotta say to him. But I’ve been putting it off for months and now… there’s no excuse. I gotta just do it. [Pause] But then I’ve gotta find the next person on the list and do it again. And again. And I don’t know if I can.

RAYNOR: This idea of making amends and tidying up loose HYDRA ends was your own idea, you know. I set those basic three rules for you, but other than that, you’re in control of this. You can stop anytime if it’s—

BARNES: No. I can’t.

RAYNOR: If it’s putting your mental health at risk, it’s my job to—

BARNES: It’s my responsibility.

RAYNOR: Well, it sounds like you’re very committed to this.

BARNES: I have to be.

RAYNOR: Has it occurred to you that you don’t need to be making amends?

BARNES: That’s not an option.

RAYNOR: You’ve been pardoned, James. No one’s holding your past against you but you.

BARNES: Yeah, right. We both know that’s not true.

RAYNOR: Fine, you and some… disgruntled, ignorant members of the public whose opinions shouldn’t bother you anyway.

[Silence — five seconds.]

BARNES: During the big fight the other night, someone thanked me.

RAYNOR: You sound shocked.

BARNES: I was. Am.

RAYNOR: Only one person?

BARNES: [Pause] What?

RAYNOR: Only one person thanked you?

BARNES: That’s one more than I expected. The public hasn’t exactly been warm and welcoming to the guy who murdered JFK.

RAYNOR: Tell me what happened.

BARNES: Can’t really tell you much. I was pretty drugged up, and they didn’t tell me much about my missions anyway. I didn’t even know I was in Texas, let alone that my mark was the president. They just set me up with a sniper rifle and told me to infiltrate the—

RAYNOR: Oh, Jesus, no, no, I meant — the person who thanked you. Tell me what happened with that.

BARNES: Oh. Uh. Right. [Pause] It was some GRC suit. He’d been trapped with some other people in a van that was burning — Karli and her flying monkeys had set it on fire — and I got the door open and got them out. And he stopped and said, “Thank you for saving us.” Those were his words exactly, I think. “Thank you for saving us.”

RAYNOR: And how did that make you feel?

BARNES: Kind of…

RAYNOR: Good?

BARNES: Yeah. Yeah, really good.

RAYNOR: You sound so surprised.

BARNES: Like I said, wasn’t really expecting it.

RAYNOR: Really? The things you’ve done, the lives you’ve saved — you fought in World War II. You fought Thanos. Twice! Hasn’t anyone thanked you before?

BARNES: Well, the president thanked me in that pardon speech. It was fucking weird.

RAYNOR: I actually watched the ceremony live when they gave you all those medals and officially welcomed you back. You, uh, didn’t look like you were having a great time.

BARNES: I wasn’t.

RAYNOR: It made you uncomfortable to be the centre of attention like that.

BARNES: Yeah, well.

RAYNOR: Why? Don’t you think you deserve thanks for what you’ve done?

BARNES: Not like that. And not while I'm still…

RAYNOR: Not while you’re still working off your tab?

BARNES: That’s a bit more callous than I was thinking, but yeah.

RAYNOR: So, how many is it going to take?

BARNES: What are you talking about?

RAYNOR: Is it a strict one-to-one ratio you’ve set for yourself? Save one person, that makes up for one person you’ve killed? Eventually you make up for all of them, and then you’re allowed to stop hating yourself?

BARNES: Of course not. Jesus.

RAYNOR: Then how exactly are you measuring this? Because if making up in some vague way for the people you’ve killed is your condition for letting yourself be happy, James, you will never stop.

BARNES: [Sighs]

RAYNOR: Look. I know you feel very responsible for the things you did under HYDRA’s control. I know. But — and I’ve been trying to steer you in this direction since day one — you need to acknowledge that you’re a victim in all of this too.

BARNES: You want me to wallow. I get it. I’m not going to.

RAYNOR: James, for crying out loud—

BARNES: There are hundreds of people who are dead because of me. Hundreds. Of good people, people who opposed HYDRA. How the fuck am I supposed to just… go about my life like that never happened?

RAYNOR: You can’t, until you acknowledge that it wasn’t your fault.

BARNES: But I did it. It was me. Do you not get that? It wasn’t like some — some split personality took over my body or something. It was me.

RAYNOR: James, please listen closely to what I’m about to tell you. You’re telling yourself that all this violence was your fault, that you made the wrong choice, as though you chose to be captured, mutilated, brainwashed—

BARNES: I didn’t choose any of that, no. But I did let them break me.

RAYNOR: No. You didn’t. And this behaviour — this is a maladaptive form of guilt, what you're doing right now. See, what really happened was that as soon as you fell off that train, you didn’t have a choice at all. You had no choice. I’m going to say that again: you had no choice. Let that sink in.

[Silence — seven seconds.]

RAYNOR: Helplessness is a hard thing for anyone to process. And it’s much easier to cope by feeling guilty and thinking, “Oh, it was my fault, I shouldn’t have let this happen to me,” because then the narrative is that you had a choice. That you could have stopped it from happening. Because it’s scary to think otherwise, isn’t it? It’s very frightening to accept that you didn’t have a choice at all. To accept that you were helpless.

[Silence — nine seconds.]

RAYNOR: Are you following me? [Pause] James? Are you all right?

BARNES: Yeah.

RAYNOR: You seem unfocused.

BARNES: It’s fine, I just get this way sometimes. Just give me a minute, okay?

RAYNOR: Can you describe it? [Pause] James, can you describe how you’re feeling?

BARNES: Just sort of… not really… yeah.

RAYNOR: Okay. I’ve actually been meaning to bring this up with you, because I’ve noticed sometimes before that you seem to... phase out a little bit when we talk about difficult subjects. And what I think is going on is something called dissociation. It’s a very common reaction to emotional distress. It’s also another symptom of PTSD, by the way.

BARNES: Maybe just… maybe just give me a minute. I’m not following real well right now.

RAYNOR: Okay. Take as long as you need.

[Silence — fifty-three seconds.]

BARNES: Okay.

RAYNOR: Better?

BARNES: Not so bad now. I can keep going. [Pause] That’s… normal?

RAYNOR: You didn’t think it was?

BARNES: I figured it was just, you know, one of those leftover little souvenirs from HYDRA. One of those brain things the Wakandans couldn’t fix.

RAYNOR: No, James, no. It has nothing to do with brain damage. Dissociation is normal. It’s a very normal reaction to intense emotion or stress. [Pause] How often do you feel that way?

BARNES: I don’t know. Really. Can’t really focus yet.

RAYNOR: Okay. Let’s take another minute. Just focus on your breathing and being in this room until you feel calmer.

BARNES: Okay. Okay.

[Silence — two minutes and three seconds.]

RAYNOR: How are you feeling now? [Pause] No? Not yet? Okay.

[Silence — four minutes and seventeen seconds.]

BARNES: Okay. Sorry.

RAYNOR: You don’t need to apologize. Ready to go again?

BARNES: I forget what we were talking about.

RAYNOR: Doesn’t matter, we can start anywhere. Are you sure you want to keep going?

BARNES: Yeah. I’m okay.

RAYNOR: All right. [Pause] So. You don’t seem terribly happy about the outcome of the attack on the GRC, even though it was ultimately a win for you and Sam. What’s bothering you about that?

BARNES: People died who didn’t have to die. Doesn’t exactly feel like a win.

RAYNOR: You’re talking about Karli Morgenthau?

BARNES: The others too, but… [sighs]. Stupid kid. Stubborn. [Pause] Something about her reminded me of Steve, sometimes. Just a little. Hell-bent on fixing the world, couldn’t see reason for all that righteousness in her.

RAYNOR: You regret her death.

BARNES: I talked to her on the phone that night. Tried to tell her not to make the same mistakes I’ve made. Told her it was gonna just hurt her in the end. She wasn’t even listening to me, it was just a dumb ruse, a distraction, but — maybe if I’d said the right thing, if I’d just—

RAYNOR: That’s not a productive way to think, James. You’re ruminating, not reflecting.

BARNES: Just being honest. If I’d just backed Sam up more — because if anyone could have turned her around, God, it would probably be him — I mean, what if I’d just given him five more minutes with her back in Riga instead of letting Walker push me into—

RAYNOR: You’re still doing it! You are still doing exactly what I just pointed out.

BARNES: Look, you want me to talk or not?

RAYNOR: By all means. But if I may remind you, it wasn’t that long ago that you were thinking that killing Karli might have been the only way to stop her.

BARNES: Yeah, well, that’s what Zemo wanted me to think.

RAYNOR: And for a minute there, it sounded an awful lot like you believed him.

BARNES: Maybe. I don’t know. [Pause] He was wrong though, I get that. Karli was just a kid. A hurt, pissed-off, stupid kid. She was pretty far gone, but she didn’t need to die. There could have been time to change things. Maybe we could have steered her down a different path. If she’d had someone like Sam around… well, whatever. Doesn’t matter now, does it. I wasn’t even there when she died, there was nothing I could have done, but… yeah. Wish it had gone another way, is all. Sam’s feeling it too.

RAYNOR: You guys have talked about that?

BARNES: Not really. He hasn’t said anything. Just, I can tell. And she died in his goddamn arms, so.

RAYNOR: Shit. How’s he holding up?

BARNES: Quiet. Disappointed. Doesn’t deserve it. He should be celebrating right now.

RAYNOR: Sounds a lot like someone else I know.

BARNES: Well, Sam’s actually got something to celebrate. Picking up the shield and all. And having someone die on you like Karli did — that’s a lot.

RAYNOR: And if he’s hurting, you’re hurting.

BARNES: It’s not really like that.

RAYNOR: It kind of is.

BARNES: Fine, maybe it is.

RAYNOR: I know your type, James. You’re always going to be worried about the people around you. But you’re focusing on the negatives. Like I said, you and Sam saved a lot of lives the other night.

BARNES: I guess.

RAYNOR: The good guys swooped in — literally — and stopped the terrorists, saved the day. Doesn’t that make it a victory?

BARNES: Victory’s not always pretty. You’ve been to war just like me. You know that.

RAYNOR: That’s true. Sometimes victory is ugly, and bloody. Sometimes it feels more like grief than a win.

BARNES: Yeah. Exactly.

RAYNOR: But don’t you deserve to let yourself have a little happiness? Just some sense of pride, or satisfaction at the things you were able to save? The people you were able to help?

[Silence — fourteen seconds.]

RAYNOR: James?

BARNES: Yeah.

RAYNOR: You with me?

BARNES: Yeah.

RAYNOR: I thought you’d checked out again for a minute there.

BARNES: No. I mean, yeah, I’m still a little — but I can function, I’m good to keep going.

RAYNOR: “I can function” is not exactly enthusiastic. Are you sure you don’t want to stop? I’m going to be honest, you’re concerning me a little right now.

BARNES: I can keep going, Doc.

RAYNOR: Okay, well, say the word if you need to take a break, all right?

BARNES: Yup.

RAYNOR: Okay. [Pause] I know you were struggling, before, with trying to decide how to stop Karli. And the ethical implications of that choice. When you learned that she’d died, what did you feel?

BARNES: A lot of things. Because — let’s be honest — if I’d had the chance, if it had been between her life and Sam's, or... [sighs]. If I’d seen the perfect shot to take Karli down, would I have taken it? I want to think I wouldn’t have, but… honestly, I don’t know.

RAYNOR: Zemo really got inside your head, didn’t he.

BARNES: [Sighs] The things he said — some of them kind of stuck. I didn’t want them to, but… I get all twisted up around him. He gets under your skin. He’s very persuasive. In all the worst ways.

RAYNOR: And that’s exactly why I don’t want you anywhere near him.

BARNES: Yeah, uh, funny you should mention that.

RAYNOR: What is it? [Pause] James. What.

BARNES: Got a letter from him this morning.

RAYNOR: You’re joking.

BARNES: Nope.

RAYNOR: Jesus! Why didn’t you tell me first thing?

BARNES: I was working my way up to it.

RAYNOR: Sweet Jesus. [Sighs] Well, what does he say?

BARNES: I think he thinks I killed Karli.

RAYNOR: What?

BARNES: Well, he was encouraging me to kill her, right? So I guess he saw her death on the news and figured he’d write me a nice little letter telling me what a good Winter Soldier I am. At least, I think that’s what it means. He never just fucking says something.

RAYNOR: Do you have it with you? The letter?

BARNES: Yup. Figured you’d want to see it. Here.

RAYNOR: First question, how the hell do you get stationery this fancy in prison? In the Raft, of all places?

BARNES: Beats me. Maybe he’s flexing a little. Showing us that he’s connected, that he’s not as harmless in there as we’d like to think.

RAYNOR: I don’t like any of this.

[Silence — twenty-eight seconds.]

RAYNOR: What the hell? Who writes like this?

BARNES: I know, right?

RAYNOR: Hold on, I’m not even done reading yet. His handwriting is… well, it’s something.

[Silence — nineteen seconds.]

RAYNOR: Okay, I have no idea what any of this goddamn means. [Pause] Well, that’s not true. I have some idea. And I don’t like it.

BARNES: I mean, if you read past the flowery bullshit and pretentious Zemo-speak? He’s pleased that Karli’s dead.

RAYNOR: It’s very self-congratulatory.

BARNES: Yeah. And he wants me to… I don’t even know.

RAYNOR: You know what I think? All this bullshit about dichotomies and ghosts — he’s telling you you’re still the Winter Soldier. That’s what all this is about.

BARNES: [Sighs] That’s what I got from it too. Makes sense. The whole time we were working together, he kept pushing that idea. Made me dress up in tac gear and pretend to be his goddamn pit bull. Pretended to sell me. The first thing he even said to me when I visited him in prison was the list of words, the trigger words—

RAYNOR: The very first thing he tried to do when he saw you was trigger the Winter Soldier, and you then proceeded to let him out of prison?

BARNES: Can we not focus on that right now? [Pause] Okay, okay, I see you doing the eyebrow thing. I fucked up, I know. Message received.

RAYNOR: I also really, really don’t like how well he knows you.

BARNES: What the hell’s that supposed to mean?

RAYNOR: Keep your shirt on, Barnes. I mean that he’s observant. He gets you. He’s just empathetic enough to weaponize it against you. These observations he makes… they’re not dissimilar to ones I’ve made.

BARNES: Ain’t therapy great. [Pause] What about the poem? What does it mean?

RAYNOR: Do I look like an English major?

BARNES: Well, the cardigan’s kind of selling it.

RAYNOR: Very funny. [Pause] “From that dust bloody roses will spring”... Well, I guess this first part’s talking about something being broken down, or dying, and then regrowing. Sounds violent, too, so that fits. “Bloody roses”...

BARNES: You think he’s still talking about the Winter Soldier?

RAYNOR: Positive. Read the next bit: “And only one thing will not betray you — song / Song, that like a gale”—

BARNES: “Carries the angry storm”. Yeah. Dramatic asshole.

RAYNOR: It’s referring to your programming.

BARNES: You think so?

RAYNOR: Think about it. “The song that carries a storm”, that could be the trigger words that used to unlock your programming. Remember that pretentious little line he added at the end about remembering yourself?

BARNES: You think he means that—

RAYNOR: He means you’re play-acting as a person. That the Winter Soldier is who you truly are, and that you’ll only be happy if you accept that.

BARNES: What the fuck, what the fuck.

RAYNOR: That’s what that whole bit about the Sokovian ghost story is getting at too, far as I can tell. What I get from it is, he’s telling you to acknowledge where you come from, and to sort of… make room for the Winter Soldier in your identity. That you’re trying to ignore who you used to be, which is just making you more unhappy. More haunted, to use his metaphor. [Pause] James? Are you all right?

BARNES: Yeah. Yeah.

RAYNOR: Why are you pacing? [Pause] What are you feeling right now?

BARNES: Just gotta move.

RAYNOR: Are you going to write him back?

BARNES: I’m not that dumb. I know bait when I see it. He’s trying to open up a dialogue by pissing me off so I respond. Trying to get me close to him. I ain’t falling for it.

RAYNOR: Good. Okay, good. I can see you’re agitated right now, but that’s actually very impressive, that you’re exercising that kind of self-awareness, self-control—

BARNES: He’s right.

RAYNOR: What?

BARNES: He’s right. At least some of it. I have so little of — there’s so much of me that’s still… he’s not fucking wrong.

RAYNOR: James—

BARNES: He’s right! Okay? All the things he said, being pulled in two directions, trying to ignore what I used to be — they took me out and put the Winter Soldier in and it doesn’t, I don’t work the way I used to and I can’t go back and try to be something I can barely — and the, the part about needing reassurance — I need someone to tell me what to do, I want it, he’s right about all of it, okay, and Steve used to be that for me but Steve is gone and now I don’t know, I don’t know—

RAYNOR: James, sit down and breathe.

BARNES: I gotta go, Doc.

RAYNOR: Don’t you dare. James, no, come back here.

BARNES: I can’t breathe.

RAYNOR: Okay. Okay. Sit down.

BARNES: I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe.

RAYNOR: Okay. Sit wherever you need to, just sit, okay? That’s fine, right there on the floor is fine.

BARNES: [Simultaneously] I can’t breathe, I can’t.

RAYNOR: Good. Okay. Just take it easy. You’re having a panic attack.

BARNES: I still — don’t even know — what that means.

RAYNOR: Your nervous system is in a state of high alert. But it’s lying to you, all right? You can breathe. You’re not going to pass out, you’re not going to die, you're not going crazy. You’re going to be fine. This will pass in a couple of minutes. All right?

BARNES: I can’t. I can’t.

RAYNOR: Do you want medication? I know you don't like it but it would help. I have some diazepam in the cabinet, I can just get the key and—

BARNES: No, Jesus, please—

RAYNOR: Are you sure? It’ll help calm you down—

BARNES: No drugs. Please. Please don’t. Don’t make me.

RAYNOR: Okay. Okay. Easy. [Pause] Is it all right if I sit with you?

BARNES: No. Please, just don't—

RAYNOR: James, hey, it’s—

BARNES: Get away from me, Doc. I don’t wanna hurt you.

RAYNOR: You’re not going to hurt me. [Pause] Okay. Hey, it’s okay. See? I’m going to back off and keep my distance. But I’m not leaving the room. All right?

BARNES: Okay.

RAYNOR: Good. [Pause] You’re breathing too fast. You need to take it easy.

BARNES: I can’t.

RAYNOR: Can you breathe with me? We have to slow down your breathing, you’re just going to make yourself feel worse. It’s just gonna spiral.

BARNES: [Quietly] Is this real?

RAYNOR: Yes. This is real. You’re here. It’s the first — no, shit, it’s the second of May, 2024. It’s Thursday morning. You’re in my office in Manhattan and you’re having a panic attack.

BARNES: Doesn’t feel real.

RAYNOR: That’s the dissociation again. We can talk all about it later, all right? For now you’ve got to calm down—

BARNES: It’s all gonna come back.

RAYNOR: What do you mean?

BARNES: It’s all still in me. The words are gone but it's still all there. He’s right. Oh fuck, he’s right. [Pause] Oh, Jesus. You have to get away from me.

RAYNOR: James, no. You are in control of yourself and you are not going to hurt anyone.

BARNES: [Inaudible]

RAYNOR: Hey, hey. Okay. Easy. I’m keeping my distance.

BARNES: You gotta stay away.

RAYNOR: I am, James, I am.

BARNES: I don’t wanna hurt you. I don’t want to. [Inaudible] Do you have a gun?

RAYNOR: James—

BARNES: Do you have a goddamn gun or not?

RAYNOR: No! Jesus, of course not. I’m a psychiatrist, I don’t keep firearms in my office.

BARNES: Then you — you gotta call the, the police or SHIELD or someone—

RAYNOR: I’m not calling anyone to come and shoot you.

BARNES: Someone with weapons. Just in case. Someone who can stop me. Please, Doc. Please don’t let me hurt you.

RAYNOR: It’s all right, okay? You’re not going to hurt anyone. You’re in control, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. [Pause] James, I’m going to get you to do a grounding exercise with me now, okay?

[Silence — six seconds.]

RAYNOR: It’s a counting game. Maybe you’ve heard of it before. We’re going to count five things we can see. I’ll do it with you. I’ll start. I can see… your boots. [Pause] Now you go. Name something you can see. Anything.

[Silence — fourteen seconds.]

RAYNOR: James? Name something you can see.

BARNES: [Pause] The window?

RAYNOR: Good. That’s great. My turn. I can see the trees on the wallpaper.

BARNES: [Pause] Your notebook on the desk.

RAYNOR: I can see the door.

BARNES: Your hair.

RAYNOR: I think that was five. So now we’re going to name four things we can hear. Okay? I can—

BARNES: I am James Bucky Barnes and I am no longer the Winter Soldier.

RAYNOR: [Simultaneously] James?

BARNES: I am James Bucky Barnes and I am no longer the Winter Soldier. I am James Bucky Barnes and I am no longer the Winter Soldier. I am James Bucky Barnes and I am… [inaudible]

[Silence — two minutes and thirteen seconds.]

RAYNOR: [Quietly] James?

[Silence — one minute and forty-three seconds.]

RAYNOR: James? Hey, there you are.

BARNES: [Sighs]

RAYNOR: You back with me?

BARNES: Yeah.

RAYNOR: Can I come closer?

BARNES: Yeah.

RAYNOR: You ready to get up off the floor, or you wanna stay there for a while?

BARNES: Give me a sec.

RAYNOR: How are you feeling?

BARNES: [Quietly] I wanna go home.

RAYNOR: Okay. Okay. We can end our session here if you want. Or we could talk about what just happened.

BARNES: No. [Pause] Just wanna go home.

RAYNOR: Fine, but I’m calling you an Uber. You’re not riding your motorcycle. Not in the shape you’re in. Especially without a helmet, don’t think I didn’t notice you still don’t have one.

BARNES: But my bike—

RAYNOR: I’ll take care of it, okay? Leave your keys with me and I’ll get someone to put it in my reserved parking space overnight. It’s an indoor parking garage with a guard, it’ll be fine.

BARNES: [Quietly] Okay. Thanks.

[Silence — twenty-three seconds.]

RAYNOR: Okay. Uber’s on its way. Should be here in about ten. [Pause] You wanna talk, or just sit? [Pause] No? Okay. We can just sit.

BARNES: Thanks.

RAYNOR: To be honest, I'm not sure I feel comfortable letting you go home alone right now.

BARNES: I’m fine.

RAYNOR: Can I call someone to come get you? Sam?

BARNES: Sam’s gone back to DC.

RAYNOR: He’d come if you asked. You know he would.

BARNES: I’m fine. Look at me.

RAYNOR: I am looking at you. You're curled up in the corner shaking from head to toe.

BARNES: I'll be fine by the time the Uber's here.

RAYNOR: I know panic attacks, okay? I kind of do this for a living. You’re going to feel pretty messed up for a few hours at least. Are you sure you’re okay to be on your own?

BARNES: Yeah. Promise.

RAYNOR: Okay, well, make sure you eat something and take a nap. And text me tonight, all right? Just to check in.

BARNES: I don’t need a babysitter.

RAYNOR: Not a babysitter. Just some support. All right? Ease an old lady’s mind.

BARNES: I’m twice your age, kid.

RAYNOR: A for effort, Barnes, but you're not fooling me. [Pause] Okay. I can't keep you here. But I’m going to be keeping an eye on my phone, all right? If you need to talk, or if you're feeling—

BARNES: I got it.

RAYNOR: I’m a phone call away if you need me.

BARNES: [Pause] Oh, fuck me, were you recording all of that? Oh my God. Fuck. Can you delete it?

RAYNOR: It’s confidential, James, it’s all right. It's just for my records. No one’s going to listen to it but—

BARNES: Nothing is confidential. You think if anyone wanted access to your records, they wouldn't be able to get it? Come on, please, can you just delete it?

RAYNOR: I can't delete it, but I can stop recording since our session is over. Here, look—

End of transcript.

Chapter Text

———

Dr. RAYNOR, Christina A.
Patient: Sgt. BARNES, James B. — DOB 03/10/1917

Session 13
Conducted by Dr. Christina A. Raynor
10:36 AM, May 9, 2024
Unit #124, 325 West 27th Street, New York City, NY, United States of America, Earth

Transcript of recording as follows:

DR. CHRISTINA RAYNOR: —crying out loud, quit pacing and just have a seat. I’m recording, by the way. Dr. Christina Raynor, patient is James Barnes, the date is May 9, and we were supposed to start at 10:30.

SGT. JAMES B. BARNES: There’s a fucking musical.

RAYNOR: Yes, I kind of got that from the way you burst in here and yelled about it instead of saying good morning. Are you going to talk about how it makes you feel, or just keep trying to stab things with your eyes?

BARNES: They made a fucking musical. About Steve.

RAYNOR: Yes, James, Rogers: The Musical, I get it. We’ve all seen the ads. Did you see it, is that why you’re so—?

BARNES: No! Fuck no, I didn’t see it. I only heard about it last night.

RAYNOR: Okay, so, are you upset because it’s a musical or because it’s about Steve Rogers?

BARNES: Both!

RAYNOR: And is that all you’re upset about?

BARNES: Yes! [Pause] No!

RAYNOR: Well, if you’re going to be this incoherent, I’m going to need more caffeine. Want a cup? Davida just made it.

BARNES: Aw shit, that reminds me, I forgot to pick up coffee on my way.

RAYNOR: You know, it’s very sweet of you, but you’re actually not obligated to bring me coffee every week.

BARNES: I know, it’s just — you’re doing stuff for me.

RAYNOR: And getting paid very well for it.

BARNES: Probably not enough to deal with me. The coffee’s just… saying thanks.

RAYNOR: You don’t need to thank me. I actually like working with you, believe it or not. But I appreciate it, James, it’s very kind. [Pause] So? Want a cup?

BARNES: I’m good, thanks.

RAYNOR: Suit yourself. [Liquid pouring.] So. You’re a character in a musical. How do you feel about that?

BARNES: How do you think? Apparently the whole first act is about us. Me and Steve. And a lot of the second act. And the third.

RAYNOR: I’m not surprised. The story of your relationship has been… well, to say it’s been mythologized is putting it lightly at this point.

BARNES: [Scoffs.]

RAYNOR: Are you portrayed badly? Is that what’s upsetting you?

BARNES: I have no idea how I’m portrayed. Honestly, I don’t care.

RAYNOR: Really? It doesn’t bother you?

BARNES: Doc. Come on. If I am, it isn’t exactly new for me. Like — okay. I can’t get mail sent to my place. I gotta pick it up from a SHIELD-owned PO box twelve goddamn blocks away, where a bunch of security guys vet everything before I pick it up. My electricity bill has to go through a damn x-ray machine before I’m allowed to open it.

RAYNOR: Your point being?

BARNES: My point being that a pretty sizable portion of the public already hates my guts and wants me dead. I don’t really care what a musical says about me. I don’t have a lot to lose.

RAYNOR: [Sighs] There are plenty of psychos with ignorant ideas out there, no one’s denying that. But the vast majority of the public is on your side, James. Once your story came out, once people learned what had been done to you…

BARNES: Don’t remind me.

RAYNOR: Right, how could I have forgotten, you’re allergic to sympathy. I’m just saying, you’re better regarded than you think. You and Steve are national historical figures, very popular ones, both of you—

BARNES: Well, he is, at least—

RAYNOR: So what I’m saying is, the musical likely won’t have any significant bearing on the public’s perception of you. If anything, I imagine the outcome will be positive. Maybe it’ll, I don’t know, humanize you to some of the people who still don’t understand what you went through.

BARNES: I don’t care. They can do whatever they want with me. But not him.

RAYNOR: Okay, but you do realize Steve Rogers is a public figure. There are biographies, there are films, there’s fan art — there are porn parodies of his films. Why does a musical bother you so much?

BARNES: Never said the other stuff doesn’t bother me too.

RAYNOR: Well, that’s fair.

BARNES: [Pause] Porn parodies?

RAYNOR: Porn parodies.

BARNES: Huh. Gotta say, those weren’t on Steve’s list of things to catch up on. I’m guessing they’re exactly what they sound like?

RAYNOR: Yep.

BARNES: And, uh, how exactly do you know about them?

RAYNOR: The internet is a dangerous place, Barnes, and that’s all I’m going to say about that.

BARNES: [Laughs]

RAYNOR: [Pause] It’s good to see you laugh. You’ve been wound pretty tight recently.

BARNES: I’m okay. I’m just… I got a lot going on right now.

RAYNOR: Any progress on your projects? Your sister, the list of amends, Yori…?

BARNES: [Sighs]

RAYNOR: I take it that’s a no.

BARNES: No, I did actually get some things done this week. Just… not Yori. Not yet.

RAYNOR: You’ve gotta deal with that, James. It’s eating you alive.

BARNES: I know. Believe me.

RAYNOR: Have you seen him recently?

BARNES: No. We usually do lunch on Wednesdays, but I actually just got back into town last night, so.

RAYNOR: Back into town?

BARNES: Not all of the people on my amends list conveniently live six blocks away. Had to fly out to New Mexico for a couple days.

RAYNOR: So you knocked something off your list? That’s good, that’s great. How’d it go?

BARNES: It was okay. Pretty place. But it didn’t really… [sighs].

RAYNOR: It didn’t help?

BARNES: Not really.

RAYNOR: Wanna tell me what happened?

BARNES: Yeah, okay. So. The guy I was looking for — guy named Weaver, Jared Weaver. He was a kid when I… and now he’s, I don’t know, forty? [Pause] I killed his folks.

RAYNOR: Shit.

BARNES: The handlers told me to kill him too if he was there, if he saw me. But he wasn’t. He was sleeping over at a friend’s house. And he wasn’t important to them, just his parents. So they let him live. [Pause] Honestly, I’m not sure that was mercy.

RAYNOR: It’s okay—

BARNES: It’s not okay. Don’t you dare tell me it’s okay.

RAYNOR: As I was going to say, it’s okay if you’re struggling with some strong feelings about this.

BARNES: Oh. [Quietly] Sorry.

RAYNOR: Keep going. You tracked this guy down, you talked to him?

BARNES: Yeah. Took some work to find him, because. Well. He’s… really messed up. Like, bad. And I think it’s my fault.

RAYNOR: Messed up how?

BARNES: Living out of a shelter, when he can get a bed. On a park bench when he can’t. Addicted to all kinds of shit. He… I honestly don’t think he cares whether he lives or dies.

RAYNOR: That must have been very hard for you.

BARNES: Hard for me? Hard for him. I mean, yeah, I’m a head case, but I’ve got a warm place to sleep and — and I’ve got people who’ve got my back, you know? I’ve got therapy, I’ve got money, whatever. But Weaver…

RAYNOR: He doesn’t have any of those things.

BARNES: No. And I’ve lived that life that he’s living. Or something like it. On the run, never sleeping in the same place twice, never knowing what’s next. It’s fucking… it’s awful. And his whole life has been that way. And it’s my fault. [Pause] It is, isn’t it. He’s like this because of what I did to him.

RAYNOR: I can’t say, James, and neither can you. But… addiction often has a root in childhood trauma.

BARNES: [Quietly] That’s what I thought. They put him in foster care after his parents died. Fuck only knows what happened to him there. Nothing good. And now he’s forty and he doesn’t have any teeth and he’s… it was like talking to a corpse, Doc. I did that to him. It’s like I killed him too, but it just didn’t take hold for a few decades.

RAYNOR: Did he know who you were?

BARNES: No. He never saw me, he wasn’t there that night.

RAYNOR: And how did he react, when you told him you killed his parents?

BARNES: He didn’t believe me. He thought I was just fucking with a homeless guy for fun. Got pissed off, took a couple of swings.

RAYNOR: Is that why you’ve got that bruise? For God’s sake, did you just stand there like an idiot and let him hit you?

BARNES: Figured he deserved a free shot or two.

RAYNOR: [Sighs] James.

BARNES: I know, I know. [Pause] I don’t know what’s gonna happen to him. But I tried. I set him up in a rehab program through the shelter he was staying with. All paid for. And I pulled some strings so he’s got a job waiting for him afterwards with SHIELD, if he can stay clean, if he wants it. Nothing fancy, but it’s a job. He won’t know any of it came from me but that’s the best I could do for him, I think.

RAYNOR: That was really good, James. Well done.

BARNES: [Quietly] Thanks, Doc. Doesn’t feel like much when I’m the one who wrecked his life, but. It’s something.

RAYNOR: HYDRA were the ones who did that to him. Not you.

BARNES: And I was HYDRA. Or as good as. I… I don’t wanna get into that right now.

RAYNOR: Okay, but—

BARNES: I did get one other thing done. I called up my sister’s place in Indiana and got their visiting hours.

RAYNOR: You’re planning to visit her? Really? That’s great, James, that’s—

BARNES: Hold on, hold on, don’t get excited. I don’t know if I’m even gonna do anything about it. Still think it might be better to just… not. For both of our sakes.

RAYNOR: What’s so intimidating about the idea of visiting your sister? [Pause] That’s not a rhetorical question. I’m genuinely asking. How do you feel when you think about visiting your sister?

BARNES: Fuckin’ terrified.

RAYNOR: And why is that? [Pause] Okay, let’s imagine the worst case scenario. What’s the worst she could do?

BARNES: Scream? Drop dead of a heart attack?

RAYNOR: Okay, and what do you think she’s actually likely to do?

BARNES: I honestly have… no idea.

RAYNOR: You wanna tell me about her?

BARNES: I don’t know if I even can. Between my fucked-up Swiss-cheese memory and how much she must have changed over the last eighty-odd years…

RAYNOR: Well, tell me about what you do remember.

BARNES: [Pause] Her name’s Rebecca. Becca. She was still in high school when I got shipped out. She was a little spitfire. Almost as bad as Steve. Pair of ‘em fought like cats and dogs.

RAYNOR: And there you were, the peacemaker in the middle.

BARNES: Yeah, well, that’s irony for you.

RAYNOR: What’s ironic?

BARNES: Peacemaker? Me? Doc, I’ve singlehandedly started three wars. That I’m aware of.

RAYNOR: And once more, I have to point out that HYDRA started those wars. Not you.

BARNES: Same thing in the end.

RAYNOR: No. It’s not. You know what’s really, actually ironic? Their choice to use you. A peaceful person. Someone who didn’t even want to go to war in the first place. You were drafted, not a volunteer, if I recall.

BARNES: Have I ever told you how creepy it is that you’ve read books about me?

RAYNOR: It’s literally part of my job. Don’t take it personally.

BARNES: Still goddamn creepy to have books written about my life. Especially when I don’t even remember it all myself. Seems kinda unfair.

RAYNOR: Have you tried reading any of them?

BARNES: Nope. I don’t want to read someone else’s idea of what my life was like. If those memories ever start to come back… I wanna make sure they’re all mine, you know? Not influenced by something I read in a book. Or saw in a fucking Broadway show.

RAYNOR: That’s fair. That’s wise, I think.

BARNES: [Pause] You know how I found out about the stupid musical?

RAYNOR: How?

BARNES: An ad on the side of a bus. A fucking ad. Steve and I are characters in a musical and that’s how I find out.

RAYNOR: None of the writers or producers consulted you? Or even told you about it?

BARNES: Nope. Like I told you, I only found out about it last night on the way home from the airport.

RAYNOR: Wow. That’s a bit…

BARNES: Shitty?

RAYNOR: In a word, yeah. Is that even legal?

BARNES: [Sighs] Yup. Nothing I can do about it. So they get to turn the worst events of Steve’s life into a goddamn dance number.

RAYNOR: Okay, slow down. Don’t you think you’re forgetting about someone? What about the worst events of your life?

BARNES: No one alive but me remembers those. I made sure of that.

RAYNOR: [Coughing]

BARNES: You okay?

RAYNOR: [Coughing] Yeah, fine, I’m fine.

BARNES: You sure?

RAYNOR: Coffee went down the wrong pipe. What I’m trying to say — [clears throat] — what I’m trying to say, James, is that you seem… hyper-fixated on protecting Steve. Or at least his legacy. And as for yourself, you keep saying you don’t care what they do with you, how they portray you to the public.

BARNES: Steve’s not around to look after his own reputation anymore. Someone’s gotta do it.

RAYNOR: So you’re protecting him from the horrors of Broadway? For that matter, how do you even know the musical’s that bad if you haven’t seen it?

BARNES: I read a review. Several reviews. Maybe all the reviews.

RAYNOR: Oh? The reviews I saw said it was very good.

BARNES: I don’t care how good it is! Or — or the lighting or the dancing or whatever else the goddamn reviewers were impressed by.

RAYNOR: I get that you’re angry about this. But I still don’t get why. Use your damn words, James. Tell me what’s got you so upset.

BARNES: They can’t just — they didn’t know him.

RAYNOR: Pretty sure Shakespeare didn’t know Julius Caesar either, and yet.

BARNES: You don’t get it.

RAYNOR: Then for God’s sake, help me get it! Tell me what’s going on in there.

BARNES: [Pause] I’ve always hated it, the way they treated him. Before Steve got the serum — you’ve seen the pictures, the films, you know what he was like.

RAYNOR: Of course, everyone does. Steve Rogers is a huge cultural icon.

BARNES: No! That’s exactly it. Captain America is this big icon. Not Steve Rogers. They erased Steve.

RAYNOR: [Pause] Right. Okay. I think I get where you’re going with this.

BARNES: There wasn’t enough space for him to be both. That’s why he went back.

RAYNOR: Went back?

BARNES: Went — to the, uh, place. The place where he went, after he retired.

RAYNOR: Smooth, Barnes.

BARNES: [Quietly] I think he left because either Captain America was gonna die or Steve Rogers was. So. He chose.

RAYNOR: He chose Steve Rogers.

BARNES: Yeah. And I’m glad. Wasn’t fair, living like that. He always had to carry around this big reputation as Captain America, even off-duty. I think it was crushing him, in the end.

RAYNOR: Mm. I get it. And you were always his protector.

BARNES: Well, yeah.

RAYNOR: And you could punch his bullies in the face, but you can’t punch the newspapers in the face.

BARNES: They reduced him to something. He wasn’t even human to them. He was a cartoon character. Couldn’t ever just be a person again, after what they made him into. After he got famous, he wasn’t allowed to — to have nightmares, or get pissed off, or smoke a cigarette, or, or just be a human being. Okay? Even after they got him out of the ice, he wasn’t allowed.

RAYNOR: And why does that bother you so deeply?

BARNES: Because neither was I!

[Silence — six seconds.]

RAYNOR: Okay. There’s clearly a lot to unpack here.

BARNES: [Sighs] I don’t know where that came from. I don’t wanna make this all about me.

RAYNOR: Why not? Your feelings are literally what we’re here to talk about. [Pause] I’ll admit I’m having trouble seeing the connection between your… dehumanization, abuse — everything HYDRA did to you — and Steve Rogers’ position as a famous American hero.

BARNES: I dunno if I can explain it better.

RAYNOR: Try.

BARNES: I just get bothered by it when I see him being treated as… as an idea. Or a political tool. Not like a person. Because I know what that’s like. Maybe in a different way, but still. And the serum, and fame… they fuck you up. They’re a fucking curse, okay, both of them.

RAYNOR: And neither of those are things you signed up for.

BARNES: Hell no.

RAYNOR: But Steve did. Can you respect that he made his choice? That maybe he knew what he was getting into?

BARNES: Steve was an idiot.

RAYNOR: Says the guy who instantly jumps to protect him, even after he’s gone.

BARNES: Yeah, well, he was my idiot.

RAYNOR: [Laughs] Clearly.

BARNES: I just wanted him to be happy. And being famous — that didn’t make him happy. He hated being on camera. He hated being swarmed by crowds, hated having to put on a show, even though he was good at it. I don’t blame him for wanting to leave that behind. I miss him. But I don’t blame him.

RAYNOR: Have you considered making some kind of public statement? Putting it out there in writing that you don’t approve of Rogers: The Musical and the use of his image for entertainment?

BARNES: You think I should?

RAYNOR: If it’s bothering you that much, maybe it’s something you should consider.

BARNES: [Sighs] I dunno. I’d rather not get into a fight with the press. They always win.

RAYNOR: [Pause] James, may I make an observation about you?

BARNES: I get the feeling you’re going to anyway.

RAYNOR: You’re very protective, and you’re very loyal to the people you love. To a fault, sometimes. And I wonder if those two things — well, you know what the serum does. How it amplifies things. And I think when you were given the serum, maybe those characteristics were what got ratcheted up to eleven.

BARNES: Maybe. I don’t know. I don’t really remember what I was like before, not enough to be able to make a comparison, so.

RAYNOR: It would make sense, though, wouldn’t it? I have a hypothesis — bear with me — that that’s why you’re having so much trouble with seeing Steve’s image used in a way you find disrespectful. And also, I think, why you’re struggling with forgiving yourself. The things you were forced to do for HYDRA went against your nature—

BARNES: The things I did, anyone halfway decent would—

RAYNOR: Listen to me. The things they made you do went against that sense of loyalty, and your instinct to look after people, those things the serum had enhanced along with the rest of you. It’s just a hypothesis, but I think the serum’s a factor in how hard this has been on you.

BARNES: Maybe.

RAYNOR: You don’t think so?

BARNES: [Quietly] I think it might be worse than that.

RAYNOR: Okay, well, that’s cryptic. [Pause] You can talk to me. You know I won’t judge.

BARNES: They… [sighs]. Okay. Do you know the name Alexander Pierce?

RAYNOR: Of course. He was a big name in politics. When he died and the news came out he was HYDRA, it was earthshaking.

BARNES: He was my head handler.

RAYNOR: Oh. Shit.

BARNES: Yeah. He was at the very top of the organization, or at least that head of the hydra, so to speak. Most of the time I didn’t see him, unless he was — and when he came to the lab, when he showed up, you always knew it was always going to be…

RAYNOR: Take it easy.

BARNES: No, I’m okay, I can do this.

RAYNOR: Keep breathing. You’re doing great.

BARNES: Pierce — he was — I lost my train of thought.

RAYNOR: Okay, take a second.

BARNES: I’m starting to do that thing again. Like last week. Dissociating.

RAYNOR: Okay, let’s just take a minute and sit with that feeling. It’s really great that you can identify it and put a name on it. That’s great progress, James.

BARNES: I just need a minute.

RAYNOR: That’s fine. Take all the time you need.

[Silence — twenty-two seconds.]

BARNES: The thing is… Pierce knew those things about me, like you said. He knew me. How I work, how I think. He’d spent years studying me, reading my files from decades of observation. Making me — he’d — oh, fuck, I can’t do this.

RAYNOR: Hey. Hey. It’s all right, you don’t have to—

BARNES: I know. I know. I just… God, I fucking hate feeling like this.

RAYNOR: I know. Dissociation’s not much fun.

BARNES: He told me — sometimes if I was, if he was around when I was malfunctioning—

RAYNOR: If you were resisting.

BARNES: Whatever — if I wasn’t working right, he sometimes told me I was doing good. Good work. Helping the world.

RAYNOR: Pierce did?

BARNES: Yeah. He was gentler than the others. He still did things to me — but sometimes he was gentle because he knew, he knew it was gonna make me behave for him. That’s why I say it’s worse than you think. Because it was that easy to manipulate me. It was that easy. Do you… do you think the serum did that too? If it made me more loyal, did it also make me easier for him to control? Or was that just me?

RAYNOR: James, no. No. You were very confused. Okay? Your brain had been deliberately and repeatedly damaged in ways designed to make you compliant. They kept you on the kind of drugs that would kill an ordinary person. You were probably barely lucid. You were in no position to disagree with what anyone was telling you, especially someone who held that kind of power over you.

BARNES: I should have questioned what I was being told, though. I should have—

RAYNOR: I read HYDRA’s records. I know exactly what happened when you questioned things.

BARNES: I wasn’t supposed to.

RAYNOR: No.

BARNES: But I should have.

RAYNOR: You did. You think they did all that to you for no reason? All the torture, the brain damage, the abuse? That wasn’t just for fun. That was to keep you down. Because you did question them. Why do you think they worked so hard to keep you from remembering? It was because you were fighting them tooth and nail every step of the damn way.

BARNES: [Sighs]

RAYNOR: Are you all right?

BARNES: Yeah, I’m not gonna lose my shit like last week. Just not feeling so good.

RAYNOR: Do you want to take a break?

BARNES: I’m okay to keep going. I’ll say if I need to stop.

RAYNOR: Have you had any more panic attacks since our last session?

[Silence — nine seconds.]

RAYNOR: James, I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me.

BARNES: Two.

RAYNOR: Two panic attacks?

BARNES: One on the plane. That was real fun. And the other one last night. Bad dream.

RAYNOR: You said earlier that the nightmares are getting worse.

[Silence — six seconds.]

RAYNOR: Do you want to tell me about them?

BARNES: God no.

RAYNOR: I know you’re feeling rough. I know panic attacks and nightmares and all the other stuff you’re dealing with are awful. But if I may be optimistic for a moment, I think this is a sign of progress.

BARNES: Sure doesn’t fucking feel like progress.

RAYNOR: I think they’re a sign that you’re… digging into this stuff more. Instead of just repressing it. Healing is painful. And it’s not linear. Okay? It’s not a straight line from here to there. Feeling worse doesn’t mean you’re not still getting better. [Pause] How are you feeling right now?

BARNES: Fucking great.

RAYNOR: Oh, cut the sarcastic crap and just tell me how you’re feeling.

BARNES: Not so fucking great?

RAYNOR: [Sighs] Can you use a descriptive word? An emotion? Anything that isn’t sarcasm, a deflection, or the word “fine”?

BARNES: Kind of... shaky.

RAYNOR: Thank you. [Pause] Okay. This isn’t a fun topic, but just to check in, I need to ask — are you still having thoughts about suicide?

[Silence — nine seconds.]

RAYNOR: I know this is hard to talk about, but—

BARNES: I don’t want to die. And I’ve worked really, really fucking hard not to. Okay?

RAYNOR: It sounds a lot like there’s a “but” attached to that.

[Silence — six seconds.]

BARNES: But. Sometimes I think it’d be better. For other people. If I did.

RAYNOR: And do you ever consider actually doing it? Hurting yourself?

BARNES: [Quietly] Sometimes.

RAYNOR: Okay. Can you tell me more about those feelings?

BARNES: Like what?

RAYNOR: Well, for example, do you ever plan it out? Or is it more just thoughts? Have you made any attempts?

BARNES: I used to have a plan. Mostly in case HYDRA found me, ‘cause I’m not going back, I’d rather die, that’s an easy choice. But… not these days, no.

RAYNOR: So you’re in the ideation stage, but not the planning stage.

BARNES: I guess.

RAYNOR: Okay. Okay. [Pause] So, I’d like us to make a safety plan. This is something we should have done a long time ago, honestly, but I started thinking after your panic attack last week—

BARNES: I don’t wanna talk about last week.

RAYNOR: Fine, we don’t have to. But safety plans can be helpful even to get you through things like panic attacks. So let’s make one together.

BARNES: Okay, so, what’s it supposed to look like?

RAYNOR: Well, a safety plan is a set of steps to refer to anytime you feel like you might hurt others or yourself. That includes dissociation, feeling like you’re out of control — anything like that.

BARNES: Okay, I’m listening.

RAYNOR: I have a print-out here which I’d like you to fill out. It’s going to have a list of coping skills and contacts you can call if you’re in crisis. And then you’re going to take it home and keep it somewhere easy to access. Okay?

BARNES: That’s… it?

RAYNOR: That’s it.

BARNES: Not a real plan, like — if I go crazy someone’s gonna come put me down? Or put me in a reinforced cell or something?

RAYNOR: Jesus, no. And it concerns me that it sounds kind of like you’d prefer that.

BARNES: Well, I thought that’s what you meant by a safety plan.

RAYNOR: It’s a plan for your safety, Barnes. But if it helps to think about it the other way, sure. Think of it as a plan for keeping your mental state from getting to a point where you might actually be a danger. To yourself, or to others. You with me?

BARNES: [Sighs] Fine. Okay.

RAYNOR: Okay. So. Step One is being able to identify when you’re having trouble. So, let’s look at the print-out. “What are the warning signs that you are beginning to struggle with your problem?”

BARNES: [Scoffs] Which problem? I kinda have a few.

RAYNOR: Sarcasm is not productive—

BARNES: Says the most sarcastic lady I know.

RAYNOR: James. Come on, focus. Let’s fill out Step One together. What are the first warning signs when you’re starting to feel overwhelmed?

BARNES: I have no idea.

RAYNOR: What about your body? Do you notice any sensations, any physical feelings when your anxiety is getting intense?

BARNES: I don’t know.

RAYNOR: Can you name one thing? Maybe a feeling in your chest, or in your neck? Tension, tingling, changes in vision—?

BARNES: I have no idea, okay? I know it when I feel it, but that’s all I can say.

RAYNOR: Okay. [Pause] Part of the problem here, I think, is that you maybe feel disconnected from your body. Which is not uncommon for survivors of physical and sexual abuse.

BARNES: You said we weren’t going to talk about that.

RAYNOR: I can’t even say the words sexual abuse? [Pause] James, I saw that flinch. Hey. I know this is a very sensitive subject—

BARNES: No. We’re not going there.

RAYNOR: That’s fine. But I’m here when you’re ready.

BARNES: And if I’m never ready?

RAYNOR: Then we don’t talk about it.

BARNES: Yeah? That simple?

RAYNOR: Yes. It is. But I think the time will come when you want to. It’s a very heavy thing to carry. And you can talk about it with me here without judgement, without anyone else needing to know—

BARNES: Except whichever sick fuck in SHIELD decided to keep those files. And whoever else wants to see them.

RAYNOR: Well, that’s unfortunately out of my hands. [Pause] For what it’s worth, I think very few people have access to them, or even know they exist.

BARNES: And the ones that do? What the hell is the point of keeping that shit? Do they, what, just get excited about — about them doing that to me? Loan the files out like library books to whoever wants a sick thrill, or what?

RAYNOR: No. My guess is they’re keeping those files for legal reasons. For your legal protection — as evidence of your torture and coercion, in case your pardon is ever challenged.

BARNES: Or maybe they’re keeping them so they’ve got something on me. In case I ever misbehave. Start acting in ways they don’t like.

RAYNOR: Frankly, I think that’s verging on paranoid thinking.

BARNES: Just being realistic.

RAYNOR: You know, another common behaviour among abuse survivors is the inability to trust that other people have good intentions.

BARNES: Can’t imagine why.

RAYNOR: [Pause] Can I ask you one question? Just one? If I hadn’t known about that aspect of your abuse, if I hadn’t been shown those files — would you have ever brought it up with me?

[Silence — ten seconds.]

RAYNOR: James?

BARNES: I can’t talk about this.

RAYNOR: Okay. Okay. Are you all right?

BARNES: Yeah.

RAYNOR: What are you feeling right now? Focus on your body. What are you feeling?

BARNES: I don’t know.

RAYNOR: Focus. Pay attention to feeling your body. Where do you feel the tension right now? Shoulders? Your legs? Your chest?

BARNES: Chest is tight.

RAYNOR: Okay. I’m writing this down. What else? What’s your pulse doing?

BARNES: Fast.

RAYNOR: Fast pulse. Tightness in chest. [Pause] Okay, great. Anything else?

BARNES: No.

RAYNOR: Well, those symptoms are the kind of thing you can keep an eye on. When you start feeling like that, that’s a good time to start trying to relax with some breathing or stretching. We’re going to do a breathing exercise right now, all right?

BARNES: I’m fine.

RAYNOR: You’re not fine. Unless you want to spend the rest of our session in the corner struggling to breathe, I suggest you listen to what I’m trying to teach you.

BARNES: Low blow.

RAYNOR: Well, to quote you: I’m just being realistic.

BARNES: Fine.

RAYNOR: Okay. I’m gonna teach you a technique called box breathing. It goes like this. We’re going to breathe out completely, and then we’re going to breathe in for four seconds, hold it for four seconds, and let it out over four seconds, and then hold it for four more seconds. Four in, hold for four, four out, and hold again for four. Got it?

BARNES: Yeah.

RAYNOR: Okay. Let’s go. In, two, three—

BARNES: You don’t have to count, I can count in my head—

RAYNOR: Shut up and breathe. Hold, two, three, four. [Pause] And exhale, two, three, four. And now hold your breath again for four seconds, two, three, four. Got it?

BARNES: Yup.

RAYNOR: Okay. Do that four more times, please.

[Silence — forty-two seconds.]

RAYNOR: How are you feeling now?

BARNES: Okay.

RAYNOR: Calmer?

BARNES: Maybe. Yeah. Actually.

RAYNOR: Great. I want you to remember that, okay? Hold onto that technique and use it anytime you need to. It’s simple, but it’s very effective.

BARNES: Okay. I’ll try.

RAYNOR: I’m going to put the box breathing technique down as one of the items for Step Two on your plan. Step Two is, “What can you do, by yourself, to take your mind off the problem? What obstacles might there be to using these coping skills?” Is there anything else you can think of that might be helpful?

BARNES: I dunno. Calling someone?

RAYNOR: That’s Step Three. We’ll get there in a second.

BARNES: Okay. Uh, working out? Sparring?

RAYNOR: You have someone to spar with?

BARNES: Sometimes. Depends who’s around. Or who needs their ass kicked.

RAYNOR: Well, if it helps, let’s put it down. [Pause] Let’s talk about your arm.

BARNES: What about it?

RAYNOR: You mentioned some time ago that there was a kill switch. That it could be disabled.

BARNES: Removed. Yeah.

RAYNOR: Do you think that removing your arm might be a helpful step to add to your safety plan?

BARNES: Depends. If I might hurt someone… yeah, actually. That would be good.

RAYNOR: Okay. So we’ve got exercising, box breathing, and taking off your prosthetic. Anything else you want to add?

BARNES: [Pause] Maybe going somewhere quiet. I can’t handle a lot of people, sometimes, when it gets bad.

RAYNOR: Okay, adding that. Anything else?

BARNES: That’s all I can think of.

RAYNOR: And now Step Three. This one’s easier. You just fill in the contact info for three people you trust. And then, if you’ve identified some warning signs in Step One and your coping skills from Step Two aren’t helping, you can call the people on this list.

BARNES: I don’t wanna just call people if I’m losing it, that’s—

RAYNOR: For God’s sake, stop thinking you’re imposing on people just by existing.

BARNES: [Sighs]

RAYNOR: Three people. Names. Let’s go.

BARNES: Sam Wilson. Uh, maybe Sarah Wilson. [Pause] I don’t think I have a third one.

RAYNOR: There’s no one else?

BARNES: No. And don’t give me the eyebrow. I’m trying, okay? Just haven’t exactly had much time to socialize.

RAYNOR: What about Yori?

BARNES: Absolutely not. Besides, I know I have to… do something about that. Soon. And I’m pretty sure we won’t be friends anymore after that.

RAYNOR: Well, two friends are definitely better than none. [Pause] Are you comfortable with putting me down as your third one?

BARNES: What? Yeah, I mean — of course, I just figured this list was more casual than calling my psychiatrist.

RAYNOR: Usually I’d put myself down in Step Four — that’s a list of local emergency numbers, in case you end up needing an intervention right away — but sure, why not. Put me down as your third contact.

BARNES: Thanks, Doc.

[Silence — nine seconds.]

RAYNOR: Good. Okay. And now Step Four. Here, I’ve got the emergency numbers on my wall, I can just write them in for you.

BARNES: Thanks. [Pause] So now what, I take this home and what, stick it on the fridge?

RAYNOR: Anywhere you’re gonna be able to find it in a hurry. [Pause] Ready to wind up for today?

BARNES: Yeah, I guess it’s about that time.

RAYNOR: Not so fast. You’ve got homework.

BARNES: Oh. Joy.

RAYNOR: I want you to practise checking in with your body. Especially when you’re experiencing anxiety or any kind of heightened emotion, but also at other points in the day.

BARNES: How am I supposed to do that?

RAYNOR: Just focus. One body part at a time. You can start at one part of your body and work your way down or up — you know, start by focusing on your feet, then your calves, your legs, and so on. And just try to be present in your body.

BARNES: Doc, I — I know this topic’s kind of been a problem between us, and I don’t wanna sound like a whiner, but… I spend a lot of time trying not to think about how my body feels.

RAYNOR: You mean your arm?

BARNES: Yeah.

RAYNOR: I know I promised I wouldn’t bug you about that. But it does concern me. I meant what I said about chronic pain being linked to a lot of other problems, and I mean a lot—

BARNES: I know, I get it.

RAYNOR: Well — maybe as part of this exercise, try acknowledging that you’re in pain. Just sit with it. See what happens.

BARNES: I don’t think that’s a great idea.

RAYNOR: Why not?

BARNES: Because… I don’t know. It’s like... okay, when I was staying at Sarah’s place, her kids got me to play this building game with them. Jinga? Jango?

RAYNOR: Jenga?

BARNES: That’s the one. It’s like Jenga. I pull one thing out, I think everything else is gonna… you know.

RAYNOR: Spell it out for me. You’re worried that if you acknowledge the physical pain you’re in, it’s going to do what exactly?

BARNES: I don’t know. But I don’t think it’s gonna be pretty. I… look, this is a really personal question, so I’m sorry for asking, and you don’t have to answer—

RAYNOR: Just ask.

BARNES: You ever been, uh, tortured?

RAYNOR: Luckily enough, no. Saw some ugly shit while I was serving, but most of it wasn’t directed at me. But I have counselled survivors before.

BARNES: Then you know that when someone’s doing that to you, after a while you kind of… go someplace else. You check out. Compartmentalize. It’s just survival. You gotta be good at it or you’re not gonna make it.

RAYNOR: Yes, that's very common. It’s a form of dissociation.

BARNES: Sure. [Pause] So… I got kind of good at that. Being someplace else when things hurt. And now — I dunno. Sometimes it feels like I’m still doing that. Just pushing that part down so I don’t have to think about it. So I think messing with anything to do with pain is gonna be a problem. Might bring up some other stuff.

RAYNOR: Okay. I hear you. [Sighs] This is one of these complexities of your case where some of your concurrent issues are kind of overlapping. Honestly, I don't have an answer off the top of my head. I’m gonna have to think about this and get back to you next week. That work for you?

BARNES: Yeah. Thanks. Sorry I’m a fucking mess.

RAYNOR: You’re doing a lot better than you think you are.

BARNES: I dunno about that.

RAYNOR: You are. Really. But — speaking of next week — you’re putting off the things you know you need to do. Yori, your sister—

BARNES: I know. [Sighs] I’m making progress with some things, like going out this week to do my thing with Weaver, but it’s like I’m procrastinating at the same time.

RAYNOR: [Laughs] You sound like me in undergrad. You put off one thing you don’t want to do by doing all the other things, so you can claim that you’re still doing something.

BARNES: Yeah.

RAYNOR: Push yourself. Just a little. Think about maybe visiting your sister this week. If you’re scared, call up Sam and ask if he’ll go with you. You know he will.

BARNES: I don’t wanna be a—

RAYNOR: Barnes, shut up and try to accept that people like you and want to help you.

BARNES: [Quietly] Okay. Thanks, Doc.

RAYNOR: And don’t forget about your safety plan. Use it if you start feeling overwhelmed. And you can always call me if you need help or advice, all right?

BARNES: Thanks. I will.

RAYNOR: Good. So I’ll see you next—

End of transcript.

Chapter Text

Supplementary Material #5: Security camera audio transcript
St. Ann’s Elder Care Community
32415 W. Main Street, Indianapolis, IN, United States of America, Earth

Security camera, Room 105
Begin audio transcript: 1:09 PM 05/13/2024

[Knocking]

WILSON: Oh, hi, are you Mrs. Proctor? Rebecca Proctor?

PROCTOR: I know you. Have we met?

WILSON: Uh, no. No, we haven’t. My name is Sam Wilson.

PROCTOR: Oh! Oh my God. Oh, I saw you on the news. You’re Captain America.

WILSON: Uh, yes, I guess I am. Actually, I’m here about your brother.

PROCTOR: My brother? Is he all right?

WILSON: Yes, yeah, he’s fine. So you know he’s… uh.

PROCTOR: Alive. Yes.

WILSON: Okay. Well. That makes this a little less awkward. He’s… he’s here to visit you, actually. Is that all right?

PROCTOR: [Pause] Bucky’s here?

WILSON: Uh, yeah. Yeah, he is.

PROCTOR: Well. I... I think it's about damn time. Where is he?

WILSON: I had to leave him in the car for now. He wanted to come in himself, but he’s kind of… [sighs]. I think this is a lot for him. So I told him I’d come in first and kind of scope things out. Make sure you were okay with a visit.

PROCTOR: But he’s really here?

WILSON: Yeah. He really wants to come inside and see you. I think he just doesn’t know what to expect. And he really doesn’t want to scare you.

PROCTOR: Scare me? He’s the scared one. Idiot’s never been as tough as he wants to think. [Pause] They talk about him on the news sometimes. Is it true? Did all of that really happen to him?

WILSON: [Sighs] He’s been through a lot.

PROCTOR: Tell him to come inside.

WILSON: You want me to bring him in now?

PROCTOR: For God’s sake, yes. Tell him to stop being a moron and get in here. [Pause] And Mr. Wilson? Please use those words exactly.

WILSON: Uh, yes ma’am.

[Silence — eight minutes and forty-two seconds.]

[Knocking]

WILSON: Mrs. Proctor?

PROCTOR: Oh. Oh my lord. Well. Just look at you.

BARNES: [Quietly] Hey, kid.

WILSON: Oh, hey, hey, Mrs. Proctor, are you sure you should be standing up? Here, let me help you—

PROCTOR: Oh, I’m just fine, thank you. There’s something I’ve been waiting a long time to do. Bucky?

BARNES: Yes?

[Sounds of violence]

BARNES: Ow! Jesus, Becca! What the hell!

PROCTOR: You can call me Rebecca, by the way, Mr. Wilson.

WILSON: And you can call me Sam.

BARNES: I think my fucking nose is bleeding!

PROCTOR: You’re just lucky my hips don’t let me kick much anymore, or you’d be bleeding somewhere else instead.

WILSON: Excuse me, Rebecca, I just have to ask — are you single?

BARNES: Shut up, Sam.

PROCTOR: Do I look like I travel much, Bucky?

BARNES: What the hell kind of—

PROCTOR: I asked you a damn question, Buck. Or do you want me to pop you another one?

BARNES: No, I take it you don’t goddamn travel!

PROCTOR: Correct. And does it look like I have a lot of demands on my time these days? Besides bingo and applesauce?

BARNES: Am I supposed to say no to that too? [Sighs] Fine! No.

PROCTOR: Very good. And do we or do we not live in the age of information?

BARNES: I — yes?

PROCTOR: So why the fuck, exactly, has it taken you this long to find my door?

[Silence — eight seconds.]

BARNES: [Quietly] I wasn’t ready, Becks.

PROCTOR: But you’re ready now?

BARNES: I… I think so.

PROCTOR: Good. Then for God’s sake, hurry up and hug me. [Pause] You’re lucky you’re handsome, Buck, because you got shit for brains.

BARNES: I know. My little sisters got all the smarts.

PROCTOR: Stop that. Stop it. I won’t have you crying on me.

BARNES: Can’t help it, you punched me in the nose.

PROCTOR: Quit it! My big brother doesn’t cry. Well, except for that one time Steve—

BARNES: Shut up.

PROCTOR: Oh, but I bet Sam would like to hear about the time with the—

BARNES: Shut the hell up, you god-awful brat.

[Silence — forty-three seconds.]

PROCTOR: Sam, I would like to sit down again now. You may help me.

WILSON: Uh, yes ma’am.

[Silence — twelve seconds.]

PROCTOR: So. Bucky. It’s all true?

BARNES: What’s true?

PROCTOR: The ridiculous stories about what happened to you. The Russians and HYDRA and… all of that science fiction nonsense.

BARNES: So you heard about all that.

PROCTOR: Not much to do around here ‘cept watch the news. So that’s a yes?

BARNES: Uh. Yeah.

PROCTOR: They hurt you?

BARNES: [Quietly] Yeah.

PROCTOR: [Pause] Are any of them still alive?

BARNES: Not the ones who did it to me.

PROCTOR: Good. All right. Good.

BARNES: God, Becca, I… there’s so much I wanna know, I don’t even know where to start—

PROCTOR: Start by getting us some coffee.

BARNES: Oh, yeah, sure. Where should I—?

PROCTOR: There’s a coffee station a few doors down to the left. Ask one of the nurses for help.

BARNES: You think I need help finding a coffee maker?

PROCTOR: I think you need help finding your ass with both hands.

BARNES: Wow. When did my sweet little sister get so mean?

PROCTOR: Right around the time my sweet big brother died in the fucking war.

BARNES: [Pause] I’ll just… get that coffee.

PROCTOR: Do. Thank you.

[Silence — eight seconds.]

PROCTOR: I sent him in the wrong direction, he’ll be at least a couple of minutes. Sam, I need you to tell me the truth. How is he? Tell me everything. He’s not all right, is he.

WILSON: You want me to—?

PROCTOR: I’m his last family member, don’t you think I deserve to know?

WILSON: That’s up to Bucky. I can’t go sharing his business. You know I can’t.

PROCTOR: I’m ninety-nine next month, who the hell am I gonna tell? The Grim Reaper?

WILSON: Wow, you are… definitely his sister.

PROCTOR: You’re goddamn right I am.

WILSON: Look, I can’t tell you anything private. But I can tell you that he’s… well, he’s a survivor. He’s lived through some heavy stuff. Impossible stuff. But he’s made it through to the other side, and he’s gonna be okay. Good enough?

PROCTOR: So he’s not okay currently. Thank you, Sam. That was all I wanted to know.

WILSON: What, no! No, I didn’t say — for shit’s sake. [Quietly] There are goddamn two of them.

PROCTOR: Speak up, dear.

WILSON: Just imagining how much fun your parents must have had raising you two.

PROCTOR: Oh, you think we’re bad? Wish you’d met my sisters. I was the nice one.

WILSON: [Laughing] Jesus Christ.

PROCTOR: Oh, yes. Poor Bucky had his work cut out for him, trying to keep all three of us out of trouble. And his hands were already full with little Steve, so.

WILSON: Oh shit, you knew Steve too! Of course you did.

PROCTOR: Knew him? Of course I knew that angry little prick. I gave him a black eye for getting Bucky stabbed.

WILSON: You what? Hold on, stabbed?

PROCTOR: Oh, he was fine, it was really more of a cut. But Steve loved dragging my big brother into his fights. He had a loud mouth that wrote a lot of cheques his skinny little butt couldn’t cash, so poor Bucky usually paid the price for him. One day someone had a switchblade, cut Buck up something awful. So I landed one right in little Stevie’s gob the next time I saw him.

WILSON: You punched—?

PROCTOR: Mm-hmm! Knocked out his last baby tooth. Too bad I didn’t know he was gonna get famous, I could have sold it on the internet and retired.

WILSON: Oh my God.

PROCTOR: That’s what little Steve said, too.

WILSON: You know, I’m beginning to see where Bucky gets it.

PROCTOR: I’ll take that as a compliment.

WILSON: [Laughing] Oh my God, I can’t even—

BARNES: Hey, Becca, found the coffee. You want cream and sugar?

PROCTOR: Oh, no thank you. I like my coffee like I like my men: hot and black.

WILSON: [Coughing]

BARNES: Sam?

WILSON: [Clears throat] Yeah, man, hook me up.

BARNES: Looks like you’re doing plenty of hooking up without my help.

WILSON: I got one word for you, Bucky: Sarah.

BARNES: What, so I hit on your sister, you gotta hit on mine?

WILSON: Hey, man, I don’t make the rules.

PROCTOR: You should bring your handsome friends around more often, Bucky.

BARNES: You’re funny. You’re a goddamn hoot, the pair of you.

PROCTOR: Where are you living these days?

BARNES: I’m back in Brooklyn.

PROCTOR: Ugh, horrible place.

WILSON: Right? I keep telling him to move down south with me.

BARNES: You don’t even live in Louisiana! You live in DC!

PROCTOR: DC, now there’s a civilized place.

BARNES: Okay, quit buttering up Sam. His ego’s big enough.

WILSON: Ain’t the only thing.

BARNES: Okay, no! No!

PROCTOR: [Laughing loudly]

WILSON: But seriously Buck, the offer stands. We could go in together on a place down in Delacroix, help Sarah with my nephews, spend weekends out on the boat—

BARNES: You really want me living that close to your cute sister?

WILSON: Okay, on second thought, you’re officially banned from Louisiana.

BARNES: [Laughing] That’s what I thought.

PROCTOR: Cute sister? Is there something I should know about, Buck?

WILSON: No. No, there is absolutely not.

BARNES: Sam just feels threatened by me.

WILSON: I ain’t threatened by your skinny white ass. What? I'm not!

BARNES: [Laughing]

PROCTOR: I don’t mean to cut straight to business, but you oughta know that I’m usually good for about half an hour of visiting time. And we have a lot to talk about.

BARNES: Yeah.

PROCTOR: It’s been a long time. Longer for me than for you, I guess. But you remember me?

BARNES: I… yes, but I don’t have all of it. There’s a lot I don’t remember.

PROCTOR: Why don’t you remember? It’s been eighty years for me, and I remember every embarrassing thing you’ve ever done.

BARNES: Yeah, I bet you do, thanks for that. [Pause] The people who had me — they had a machine. It took things away. Made me forget. Made me...

WILSON: It’s okay, man.

BARNES: I’ve got a lot of it back. Not all. But I’m trying.

PROCTOR: It’s all right, Buck. My memory’s not what it used to be, either.

BARNES: But you remember me? Really?

PROCTOR: Of course.

BARNES: I figured that — you know, you were just a kid when I left, so… I wasn’t sure you’d remember much about me.

PROCTOR: Why wouldn’t I remember you? We grew up together! I was fifteen!

BARNES: Yeah. A kid.

PROCTOR: I was old enough to have a job! I was old enough to be having sex!

BARNES: Jesus Christ, my ears! I did not need to know that! [Pause] With who?

PROCTOR: I don’t kiss and tell.

BARNES: Oh my God.

PROCTOR: Oh, I’m only fooling, of course I kiss and tell. Only I can’t remember all their names.

BARNES: I am learning things. So many things I didn’t want to learn today. Sam, stop laughing.

PROCTOR: Sam, please keep laughing. [Pause] Oh, I missed you, Bucky. You have stupid hair now but you still smile the same.

BARNES: [Quietly] I missed you too, kid.

PROCTOR: We all waited for you to come back. We’d gotten a letter once before saying that you’d died in that HYDRA camp — so we thought maybe the second one was a mistake too. We all thought, well, they don’t have a body, maybe he’s just gotten lost, maybe Steve will bring him home again like before. But then his plane went down just a few days later. And… well, that was that, as far as holding out hope went. Everyone knew that wherever one of you went, the other went too.

BARNES: [Quietly] Yeah. That was us.

PROCTOR: Don’t cry.

BARNES: Sorry, kid, I’m kind of fucked up.

PROCTOR: Well, get un-fucked up.

BARNES: [Laughs] I’m trying. I have a therapist.

PROCTOR: Good. Because I’ve got kids and they’ve got kids and everyone knows about you and they all want to meet you.

BARNES: They do?

PROCTOR: Yes! You’re our family’s big claim to fame, you know. Everyone’s so proud of you.

BARNES: [Pause] They’re… proud of me?

PROCTOR: Of course we are! A Howling Commando, Captain America’s right-hand man, a hero who’s saved — what? Sam, what’s wrong with him? Did I say something?

WILSON: He’s fine, he’s just having an emotional day. You okay there, Buck?

BARNES: [Inaudible]

WILSON: It’s cool, man, c’mere. Hey, it’s okay.

PROCTOR: Oh, Bucky, I’m sorry. I’ll just… I’ll give you two a minute. Tell you what, I’ve been holding onto something for you. It’s in my storage locker down the hall. Just give me a minute — ah, Christ, my hips. Getting old isn’t for wimps, I’ll tell you that.

WILSON: You need a hand getting up?

PROCTOR: No, no, stay there. He needs you more. I’ll be just a minute. But my walker, if you could just… there we are. Thank you, Sam.

[Silence — twelve seconds.]

WILSON: Hey, Buck, you good? [Pause] It’s okay, man.

BARNES: [Sniffling] You tell anyone about this and I’ll kill you.

WILSON: Hate to break it to you, but you’re not that scary since you cut your hair.

BARNES: [Laughs]

WILSON: You want some more coffee? Water?

BARNES: i'm fine, Jesus, stop fussing.

WILSON: How about I don’t?

BARNES: [Quietly] Thanks, Sam.

WILSON: Of course.

PROCTOR: Is it safe to come back in?

WILSON: Yeah, we’re good.

PROCTOR: Oh, goodness. That’s my exercise for the day. Whew.

BARNES: You should have let one of us—

PROCTOR: No, no, I need to move around a bit or I’ll lose mobility. That’s the secret to getting old, stay spry enough to outrun Death when he comes for you. Anyway, I’ve got something special for you, Bucky.

BARNES: What is that?

PROCTOR: Just an old notebook I thought you might like.

BARNES: That’s… is that Mom’s writing?

PROCTOR: It is. Though my eyes are so shitty I can’t hardly read it anymore.

BARNES: Is that—

PROCTOR: Her old recipe book. And diary. And address book. And sketchbook, and whatever else. [Laughs] She was never the most organized woman.

BARNES: No, no she was not. [Pause] I remember that now.

PROCTOR: I’ll let you read it on your own. But I know her recipe for apple cake is in there somewhere, so guard it with your life.

BARNES: Don’t you want to keep it for—

PROCTOR: Does it look like I bake much anymore? And don’t worry, all my kids have a copy of all her recipes.

BARNES: Becca — thank you. Really.

PROCTOR: It’s nothing. Just a bit of family history I thought might be... well, I thought maybe it would jog your memory. And you might want to pass on to your own kids someday.

BARNES: I don’t have kids.

PROCTOR: Well, it’s not too late. You’re still appallingly young and handsome. You find the right girl, maybe this cute Wilson sister, and—

BARNES: That’s, uh — kids aren’t gonna happen, Becca. Not in the cards for me. But thank you anyway, I really appreciate this.

PROCTOR: Oh. Oh, Buck, I’m sorry.

WILSON: Shit, man. I didn’t know.

BARNES: It’s fine. It’s not a big deal, I’m over it.

PROCTOR: Well, I had four kids, that’s plenty for the both of us. You can just borrow some of mine. Tell you what, you can have my eldest, Scott. He’s the troublemaker. You’ll get along like a house on fire. He’s a grandfather now, three times over! The newest one was born last month.

BARNES: Jesus. So that makes me—

PROCTOR: Let’s see, a great-great-uncle. Several times, actually.

BARNES: Holy shit.

PROCTOR: And I’m a great-grandmother.

BARNES: That’s amazing, Becca, that’s — I’m so happy for you. [Pause] Has it… have things been good?

PROCTOR: Oh, very.

BARNES: You’ve had a good life?

PROCTOR: I’ve had one hell of a good run. I’ve had some bad times and a lot of good times and a lot of… a lot of great friends and good food and music, and I’ve seen a lot of beautiful things. Even got to have a few big adventures of my own. I’d be lying if I said I had no regrets, none of us get through this life that lucky, but… it’s been beautiful, Bucky. I just — well, I just wish you’d been here for more of it.

BARNES: Me too, kid. More than anything.

PROCTOR: When did you start crying at the drop of a damn hat? Are you sure you’re my brother?

BARNES: Yes, for fuck’s sake. Most of him, at least. Shut up.

PROCTOR: [Laughs] Well. It’s been good. It’s been very good. Don’t be too sad, all right? You’ve got the rest of your life to live, and I’m telling you, it goes by in a blink. You’ve got things to do. Adventures to go on, pretty girls to kiss. God, you always had lots of those, you big slut. And handsome friends to drag into trouble. Just like always.

BARNES: In my defense, I was usually the friend being dragged into trouble—

PROCTOR: And if you see little Stevie again, give him a kiss on the cheek and a punch in the nose for me, would you? In whichever order you prefer. Just for old times’ sake.

BARNES: I… I don’t think I’m gonna be seeing Steve again, kid.

PROCTOR: Oh. Is he…?

BARNES: He’s gone, Becks.

PROCTOR: Oh. Oh, Bucky, I’m sorry. The TV said he retired, that was all.

BARNES: It’s… complicated.

PROCTOR: Well, in that case maybe I’ll be the one to see him first. So I’ll give him a kiss and a punch for you, how about that?

BARNES: Make it a wet sloppy one.

PROCTOR: Saint Peter himself will throw up and send us straight to hell.

BARNES: Like you weren’t going there already.

PROCTOR: [Laughs]

BARNES: I just wish things had turned out different for us.

PROCTOR: It’s all right. It is. I'm sorry too, but this is the way it is. You have to promise you won’t spend the rest of your life looking backwards. Promise me, James.

BARNES: [Quietly] I won't, Becks, promise.

PROCTOR: Good. Good. Thank you. [Pause] And I think that’s all I have in me for today, gentlemen.

BARNES: Oh, yeah, no, of course—

WILSON: We’ll just—

PROCTOR: Will you come back soon? Both of you?

BARNES: Yeah, kid. I’ll come back as soon as I can. I’ll drag Sam back here too, if he’s not too busy being a big hero.

PROCTOR: Good. You have my phone number?

BARNES: Yeah, I got it.

PROCTOR: And you’ll call?

BARNES: Of course.

PROCTOR: Don’t you dare lie to me, James Buchanan. I expect phone calls.

BARNES: I promise, Jesus! I promise I’ll call.

PROCTOR: I don't even know why I should take a promise from you. Last promise you made me, you said you’d come back home from World War II.

BARNES: Aw, come on. I kept that promise, Becca. It just… took me a while.

PROCTOR: Eighty damn years.

BARNES: But I’m here now.

PROCTOR: Yes. Yes, you are.

BARNES: Come on. Time to rest, okay? It was… it was real good to see you, Becks.

PROCTOR: I think I’ve got another hug in me as long as you don’t squish me under your huge biceps, you musclebound freak.

BARNES: [Laughing] Come here.

[Silence — thirty-two seconds.]

BARNES: [Quietly] Love you, Becca.

PROCTOR: I love you. I'm so glad you're here.

BARNES: [Clears throat]

PROCTOR: Sam, it was very nice to meet you.

WILSON: Oh, the pleasure was all mine.

BARNES: Watch it, Wilson.

PROCTOR: Make sure you give him my phone number too, Buck.

BARNES: Not a snowball’s chance in hell.

PROCTOR: Goodbye, boys. Take care.

BARNES: Bye, Becca. I'll see you soon, okay?

———

Security camera, hallway 3
Begin audio transcript: 1:46 PM 05/13/2024

WILSON: Hey. You good?

BARNES: Yeah. [Pause] No. I don’t know.

WILSON: You wanna come back to DC with me? Crash at my place for a couple days? My couch isn’t as nice as Sarah’s, but it’s not bad.

BARNES: I dunno.

WILSON: Come on, your bag’s already packed. And I’ll make dinner. [Pause] Yeah, I figured that would do it. You supersoldier types are always hungry.

BARNES: You think I’m ever gonna turn down Wilson cooking?

WILSON: You’re smarter than you look.

BARNES: Wow, mean. You’re definitely not allowed to hang around my sister anymore.

WILSON: I had no idea old people swear so much. I like her.

BARNES: Me too.

WILSON: She’s… not exactly what I expected.

BARNES: Funny, because she’s pretty much exactly what I expected. [Pause] Actually, that's not true. She's way better than I was expecting. I thought she'd barely — well. She’s pretty sharp for 98, isn’t she?

WILSON: Very sharp.

BARNES: A lot sharper than I expected. But I think we tired her out. You think that was too much?

WILSON: I think that was a lot for both of you. [Pause] You good, though? Like, actually.

BARNES: I’m… yeah, I’m actually good. Really good.

WILSON: Good. Then go wash your damn face. I’ll be in the car.

BARNES: [Laughs]

End of transcript.

———

APPLE UPSIDE-DOWN CAKE (BARNES FAMILY RECIPE)

Dry Ingredients:
1.5 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 cup white sugar
1/2 cup brown sugar
2 tsp cinnamon
1/4 t ground cloves
1/2 t ground ginger
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt

Wet Ingredients:
1/4 cup oil
1 cup water
1 tsp apple cider vinegar
1 tsp vanilla
Optional: walnuts, raisins, coconut, shredded carrot, tinned pineapple, or whatever else you have on hand

Apple topping:
1 1/2 cups peeled apples, thinly sliced
3/4 cup brown sugar
1 tsp cinnamon

Instructions:
1. Preheat oven to 350 F.
2. Mix the dry ingredients.
3. In another bowl, mix the wet ingredients.
4. In a third bowl, mix the apple slices with the cinnamon and brown sugar.
5. Arrange the apple slices at the bottom of an 8" round cake tin in a decorative swirl.
6. Add the wet ingredients to the dry. Fold them in gently to keep the batter light, and only mix the batter until it’s combined.
7. Pour batter into the pan over top of the apple slices.
8. Bake for 40 mins, or until a toothpick inserted into the cake comes out clean.
9. Remove from the oven and flip the cake onto a plate. The apples should now be on top and the brown sugar should have boiled into a sticky caramel sauce.
10. Serve warm with ice cream. Leftovers can stay in the fridge for 3-4 days, but probably won't.

Chapter Text

———

Dr. RAYNOR, Christina A.
Patient: Sgt. BARNES, James B. — DOB 03/10/1917
Session Fourteen
Conducted by Dr. Christina A. Raynor
10:30 AM, May 16, 2024
Unit #124, 325 West 27th Street, New York City, NY, United States of America, Earth

Transcript of recording as follows:

BARNES: —and don’t get me started on “Sexual Healing”. Where’s the subtlety? I mean, it’s a stupid name for a song. It’s a stupid song. I don’t know why Sam’s so hung up on the guy.

RAYNOR: Mm-hmm. I’m recording, by the way.

BARNES: What?

RAYNOR: Sixteenth of May, Dr. Christina Alice Raynor, patient James Barnes. [Pause] So, aside from being completely done with Marvin Gaye, how are you today, James?

BARNES: Good.

RAYNOR: Wait, you’re upgrading from “fine” for once?

BARNES: [Laughs] Yeah, actually kinda good today.

RAYNOR: Oh? Anything special happen?

BARNES: Um, sort of, yeah.

RAYNOR: Well? Going to just keep me in suspense?

BARNES: I’m just savouring the look on your face.

RAYNOR: Charming as always, Barnes. Spit it out already.

BARNES: Uh, well, Sam and I took a little road trip to Indiana.

RAYNOR: What’s in Indi—oh my God, you didn’t. You did!

BARNES: Yeah!

RAYNOR: You saw her?

BARNES: I did.

RAYNOR: You did!

BARNES: I did! She’s 98 and can still kick my ass.

RAYNOR: James, I am so proud of you. I am just — wow. Wow.

BARNES: Oh, sounds like you sure had a lot of confidence in me, huh?

RAYNOR: Oh, don’t take it like that, for the love of — wait, are you just heckling me?

BARNES: Nah, I think there has to be a crowd involved for heckling.

RAYNOR: Call it what you like, you are definitely yanking my chain.

BARNES: Maybe a little.

RAYNOR: [Laughs]

BARNES: Doc, she was — so sharp, and smart, and — yeah, she was different from how I remember, I mean, she’s an old lady, but… she was her, you know? I knew her. And she knew me. I wasn’t sure she would, but. She did.

RAYNOR: Tell me all about it. I want to hear everything.

BARNES: [Laughs] You sound like some girl at a sleepover.

RAYNOR: Well, it’s exciting! This is a big win for you. This is huge. Do you get that?

BARNES: Yeah, I guess I kinda do.

RAYNOR: So? Let yourself celebrate it. Tell me everything.

BARNES: Honestly, Sam’s the one who made it happen.

RAYNOR: I told you he was good for you.

BARNES: Okay, okay, yes, Sam is a good influence, we are all aware of how amazing Sam is. Can I continue?

RAYNOR: By all means.

BARNES: So, I told Sam that I was planning to visit her and… I didn’t even have to ask, Doc. Soon as I said I was planning to visit her, he asked if I wanted him to come with. And the way he said it — it was like he’d drop everything.

RAYNOR: I’m going to send him flowers.

BARNES: Yeah, get in line.

RAYNOR: [Laughs]

BARNES: It was… good. That he came. ‘Cause when we got there, I couldn’t even get out of the car. Just sat there, kinda…

RAYNOR: Spiralling?

BARNES: Pretty much. So Sam went in first. And five minutes later he comes back to the car and says, “Your sister says to come inside, and that you’re a moron.” [Laughs] So I knew it was gonna be okay.

RAYNOR: Oh, James, I am so—

BARNES: And then she hit me.

RAYNOR: She hit you?

BARNES: Right in the nose! She’s actually got a pretty good arm on her for being nearly a hundred. And then we just kinda talked for a bit. Caught up a little. Oh, and Sam kept making eyes at her—

RAYNOR: [Laughs] No way.

BARNES: Well, I kind of have this thing with his sister, so it was payback.

RAYNOR: Oh, a “thing” with his sister, huh? You wanna tell me more about that?

BARNES: Okay, now you sound like we’re at a sleepover. It’s nothing serious, I only met her when I went and stayed with them for a few days—

RAYNOR: But you like her.

BARNES: Well, she’s very likeable.

RAYNOR: I see.

BARNES: Aw, come on, don’t say it like that.

RAYNOR: Like what?

BARNES: Like it’s some big affair. We flirt, Sam glares, everyone’s happy.

RAYNOR: Ha. Well, I look forward to hearing more about Sam’s very likeable sister, but let’s go back to talking about yours. How was the rest of the visit, aside from getting punched by a ninety-eight-year-old?

BARNES: Well, she gets tired out pretty easy at her age, so we couldn’t stay that long. But we talked. Caught up a little bit. She, uh, gave me an old notebook of our mom’s.

RAYNOR: A notebook?

BARNES: Yeah. Just stuff our mom jotted down. Recipes, little sketches, notes to herself, to-do lists, that kind of thing. There’s a real nice little drawing she did of me and Steve playing, which I’m thinking is why Becca saved it.

RAYNOR: Oh, that’s sweet.

BARNES: Yeah. [Pause] You know Steve’s an artist, right?

RAYNOR: Yes, of course.

BARNES: My mom taught him. At least the basics. He was sick a lot, so she taught him to draw so he’d have something to do while he was stuck in bed. Whenever he got sick we’d go over there together, she’d bring a casserole or something for Mrs. R., and then she’d teach him something. How to draw faces, perspective… all that stuff.

RAYNOR: She sounds very sweet. [Pause] That an old memory, or a new one?

BARNES: New. Just came back to me last night, while I was going through her notebook.

RAYNOR: That’s what I thought. Your face just now… well, it looked like it was a very good memory. [Pause] How does it make you feel, that memory coming back?

BARNES: Good.

RAYNOR: Is that all?

BARNES: I don’t know. [Pause] Sad?

RAYNOR: Why does it make you sad?

BARNES: I don’t really remember my mom. Just bits and pieces. And the more I get back, even just little things like that… the more I realize I’ve lost, I guess.

RAYNOR: You’re grieving.

BARNES: I… guess. Yeah. Half a century late. Is that weird?

RAYNOR: Why would it be weird? You’re grieving your parents, you’re grieving the life and the memories that were taken from you. James, it is the healthiest, most natural thing you could be doing. [Pause] It feels like shit, though.

BARNES: You’re telling me.

RAYNOR: But you said it also feels good. Getting that memory back.

BARNES: Well, I don’t know how much more pre-war stuff I’m gonna get back at this point, so… anything I get, anything at all, is… you know.

RAYNOR: Well, that’s really, really great. If that book can help you remember — what a gift.

BARNES: Yeah.

RAYNOR: Are you going to stay in touch with your sister?

BARNES: Oh, yeah. She’s been FaceTiming me every day since we visited. If you want all the hot gossip from the nursing home, I’m your guy.

RAYNOR: [Laughs]

BARNES: She’s had a really good life. She got married a couple times, travelled around, had a bunch of kids she adores, she’s lived to be a great-grandmother... I couldn’t ask for more for her, you know?

RAYNOR: And she lived to see her big brother finally come back home. Against all odds.

BARNES: Yeah, I guess that too.

RAYNOR: Did you talk about that?

BARNES: A little.

RAYNOR: The elephant in the room, huh?

BARNES: [Sighs] Yeah. It’s pretty obvious I’m… not who I was.

RAYNOR: Well, neither is she. But you still love her, don’t you?

BARNES: [Quietly] Of course.

RAYNOR: See? [Pause] Well, speaking of the elephant in the room, I bet you’re wondering what all of this is.

BARNES: The coloured pencils and paper and stuff? I figured you had some kid clients or something.

RAYNOR: No, I only treat adults.

BARNES: But those are crayons.

RAYNOR: Among other things, yes. What’s wrong with crayons?

BARNES: Uh, nothing, I guess.

RAYNOR: Good, ‘cause they’re for you.

BARNES: They’re what?

RAYNOR: Get comfortable, Barnes. We’re drawing today.

BARNES: We’re what?

RAYNOR: Drawing. Today. We’re going to try art therapy.

BARNES: [Pause] Do we have to? I can just—

RAYNOR: You don’t like drawing?

BARNES: Sure, I like it fine.

RAYNOR: So? Why are you nervous?

BARNES: Doc, I haven’t picked up a pencil in eighty years.

RAYNOR: And what’s stopping you from picking one up now?

BARNES: [Pause] Is this really necessary?

RAYNOR: Is it really necessary to push back against every single thing I try with you? No. But you do it anyway. So suck it up and draw something.

BARNES: Wow. I thought this was supposed to be therapeutic.

RAYNOR: It will be, if you’ll give it a damn try.

BARNES: [Sighs]

RAYNOR: Thank you. Was that so hard?

BARNES: Wait, why does this pen smell like… what is that supposed to smell like?

RAYNOR: Uh, that one is… green apple.

BARNES: Still doesn’t answer the question of why.

RAYNOR: They make scented markers. Kids love them.

BARNES: Why would you make a felt pen smell like candy? Are kids supposed to, like… lick the pens?

RAYNOR: What?

BARNES: The future’s fuckin’ weird. Are the crayons scented too? [Pause] Ugh, apparently not.

RAYNOR: [Laughs]

BARNES: Okay, so, what am I supposed to be drawing?

RAYNOR: Anything. Whatever you want. You can just doodle if you want. Let your mind wander.

BARNES: [Sighs] Fine. So what’s the idea? We just sit here and draw instead of talking?

RAYNOR: The idea is that we do both, and the calming activity helps keep you grounded and focused while we have our usual session.

BARNES: What if it does the opposite?

RAYNOR: Do you find drawing stressful?

BARNES: No, I just—

RAYNOR: Well, if it’s not stressful, then you have nothing to worry about, do you?

BARNES: I just… it’s probably not going to be fine art, okay?

RAYNOR: Is that what you’re worried about? Relax, we’re not here to make masterpieces. Are you nervous about me seeing what you draw?

BARNES: No. [Pause] Kinda.

RAYNOR: Well, thank you for being honest. “Kinda”.

BARNES: [Sighs]

RAYNOR: Look, you don’t even have to show me what you draw.

BARNES: Thank God.

RAYNOR: And I’m going to draw too. And let me assure you, I’m no artist. This isn’t a competition, all right? It’s just a way to occupy our hands while we chat.

BARNES: Why, though? I mean, I get the idea. But… is there a reason we can’t just sit and talk like usual?

RAYNOR: Well… I think we’re both aware that you’re a complex case, James. And so far most of what I’ve done with you has been basically the spaghetti approach.

BARNES: The what?

RAYNOR: You know, the spaghetti approach. “Throw everything at the wall and see what sticks.”

BARNES: Okay?

RAYNOR: So that’s partly what this is. We’re trying something new to see if it works.

BARNES: And the other part?

RAYNOR: The other part is… I’m a little concerned for you. You had a full-blown panic attack in my office two weeks ago. You said you had two more last week. I’ve seen you dissociating, hard, a lot. Lately it’s seemed like the stuff we’re getting into affects you more and more.

BARNES: Oh.

RAYNOR: Yeah. “Oh”. Now, I really want to emphasize that you’re doing well, all right? You’re making excellent progress, and I can see you’re working so hard to… James? Can you look at me, please?

BARNES: [Sighs]

RAYNOR: You are doing so well. You’ve made so much progress since the first day you stepped into my office. You’re doing the work, you’re showing up every week, you’re tackling some very heavy things and you’re doing your best. I see it. All right?

BARNES: [Quietly] Thanks.

RAYNOR: So when I say I’m concerned for you, I want you to know that I am not concerned that you’re not getting better. But I am concerned that this is getting harder for you as we unpack more of this stuff, and it’s my job to try to ease that process. [Pause] So… art therapy.

[Silence — seven seconds.]

BARNES: In that case… can you pass me that box of charcoal?

RAYNOR: Here. [Pause] You wanna listen to some music while we draw?

BARNES: Honestly, so far I think I’ve found, like, two songs made past 1960 that weren’t completely awful.

RAYNOR: Oh? What were those?

BARNES: Oh, no, no way. I plead the Fifth.

RAYNOR: [Laughs] Oh, now I’ve gotta know.

BARNES: Nope. Can’t afford to risk it getting back to Sam. He’s judgey about music.

RAYNOR: Tell you what. I’m going to put some music on, just a random playlist, and if you hate it, we’ll turn it off.

BARNES: Fine.

RAYNOR: You need anything else, or you good to get started?

BARNES: Yeah, I guess let’s do this.

RAYNOR: Such enthusiasm.

[Silence except for background music — fifty-three seconds.]

BARNES: I talked to your guy, by the way.

RAYNOR: Which guy?

BARNES: The guy. The guy with the phone number.

RAYNOR: Okay? I repeat, which guy?

BARNES: The massage therapy guy.

RAYNOR: Oh, that! You called him? That’s great. Unexpected, if I’m honest, but great.

BARNES: Yeah, well, don’t get all excited. I told him I’m not coming in.

RAYNOR: What? Then why bother calling him?

BARNES: I dunno. I was just… things went real good with my sister, and I guess I was kinda feeling up to getting some things done.

RAYNOR: So you seriously called this guy just to, what? Just to tell him you wouldn’t be calling him?

BARNES: No, I called him to tell him that I do want help, but it’s gotta be the kind that involves no one putting their hands on me or making me go anywhere I don’t wanna go.

RAYNOR: And?

BARNES: And he referred me to someone. A physiotherapist who says he’ll do video appointments, walk me through some physio exercises. Zero physical contact.

RAYNOR: And you’re going to give it a try?

BARNES: Yeah. Yeah, I am. There’s a wait list, but he says he’ll have an opening for me sometime this summer.

RAYNOR: And you’re really gonna do it? That’s great, James, that’s absolutely great.

[Silence — one minute and twelve seconds.]

RAYNOR: You wanna try the pastels?

BARNES: Uh, sure, why not.

[Silence — twenty-three seconds.]

RAYNOR: So what does this mean for your Jenga problem?

BARNES: I don’t know.

RAYNOR: Do you think that physiotherapy might be triggering for you?

BARNES: Well, I’ve never done it before, so how am I supposed to know?

RAYNOR: Do you think it would help if you weren’t alone?

BARNES: No.

RAYNOR: If you—

BARNES: No. Come on. If I lose my shit, I can’t have someone getting hurt.

RAYNOR: Well, maybe you won’t lose your shit if you have someone there to ground you and support you.

BARNES: Not a chance I’m willing to take.

RAYNOR: Just think about it, all right?

BARNES: [Sighs]

[Silence — forty-seven seconds.]

RAYNOR: What are you drawing?

BARNES: You told me you weren’t gonna look at it.

RAYNOR: I’m not looking, I’m asking.

BARNES: I don’t know. Shapes. A tree. You?

RAYNOR: I’m drawing my dog.

BARNES: What kinda dog you got?

RAYNOR: Border collie. Her name is Sage.

BARNES: Aw, that’s nice.

RAYNOR: You like dogs?

BARNES: Sure, who doesn’t? More of a cat person, though.

RAYNOR: Yup, that checks out.

BARNES: What’s that supposed to mean?

RAYNOR: Nothing, nothing at all.

BARNES: Uh-huh, sure.

[Silence — thirty-five seconds.]

RAYNOR: How are the amends coming? Any progress?

BARNES: Two more names down this week.

RAYNOR: Two! And you visited your sister? You’ve been busy.

BARNES: God, you’re peppy today.

RAYNOR: That’s on you. Shouldn’t have brought me a double Americano. Or maybe I’m just pleased to see the progress a certain patient of mine’s made this week.

BARNES: [Pause] Nah. Definitely the coffee.

[Silence — nineteen seconds.]

RAYNOR: Do you want to tell me about the amends?

BARNES: If you want.

RAYNOR: What were their names?

BARNES: Lindsay Hudson. Caleb Collins.

RAYNOR: And who were they?

BARNES: Hudson was a cryogenic technician. Specialist who worked with the technology they used for… you know. And Collins ran STRIKE ops in the ‘90s before climbing up the military industrial complex into something cushier. Worked security in the British government. Pretty high up.

RAYNOR: So I take it these weren’t the kind of amends that Sam was advising you to pursue.

BARNES: Hell no. I don’t owe either of them a damn thing. But they’re still on the list, so… it’s gotta be done. And Collins was HYDRA through and through. A true believer. [Pause] Hudson, maybe not so much. I think they had something on her. Forced her to work for them somehow. She wasn’t… enthusiastic the way some of them were.

RAYNOR: So what did you do with them?

BARNES: Funny thing happened to Collins. See, someone must have dug up this old footage of him hailing HYDRA and shooting an unarmed prisoner in the head, and this week it mysteriously got sent to his employer. And his wife. And his adult kids. And every single contact on his Facebook and LinkedIn accounts. Oh, yeah, and the FBI. [Pause] Tried to run, but they got him. Looking like he’ll be in prison for a lifetime or six.

RAYNOR: Very nice. And the other one?

BARNES: Hudson I was too late for. Died six months ago in Duluth. Pancreatic cancer. Not much I can do there. Just tracked down her grave, said a few words. Went home.

RAYNOR: How did you feel after that?

[Silence — seven seconds.]

RAYNOR: James? How did that make you feel?

BARNES: Pastels were a mistake. Oh my God, tell me this stuff washes out.

RAYNOR: You’re deflecting. Oh — oh, yup, I think that’s gonna stain.

BARNES: Fuck me. Why did I wear black today?

RAYNOR: What, like you ever wear other colours?

BARNES: Thought you were a shrink, not a comedian.

RAYNOR: I think it’ll come out with soap.

BARNES: [Sighs]

RAYNOR: And you didn’t answer my question. How did it make you feel, making those amends?

BARNES: Well, gee, it made me feel like shit, Doc. Like always. [Pause] I’m sorry, that wasn’t… [Sighs] Sorry.

RAYNOR: You’re angry. Okay. So let’s explore that feeling.

BARNES: Nothing to explore. I just… this shirt was Steve’s.

RAYNOR: Oh.

BARNES: Yeah. Really didn’t wanna ruin it.

RAYNOR: Do you want to go to the bathroom, see if you can wash it off?

BARNES: It’s fine, I’ll throw it in the laundry when I get home.

RAYNOR: I’m sorry, James. I hope it’s not ruined.

BARNES: Yeah. Me too.

[Silence — thirty-five seconds.]

RAYNOR: So, you have a lot of Steve’s things?

BARNES: Some. He didn’t have much stuff. I think those five years were… bad for him. Well, probably for anyone left behind.

RAYNOR: [Quietly] They were.

BARNES: Oh. So you weren’t—?

RAYNOR: No, I wasn’t.

BARNES: Shit. I’m sorry. Kind of feels like all of us who got blipped, we’re the ones who got lucky.

RAYNOR: No. No one was lucky in that situation, James. No one.

BARNES: Yeah. Guess not. [Pause] Anyway. I boxed up Steve’s apartment after he went. He left instructions. What was going where, who was getting what. He left me most of it, but… there wasn’t much of anything. He was living like a monk by the end. Mostly just owned books.

RAYNOR: I’m sorry about your shirt.

BARNES: It’s fine. Just gotta learn to let things like this go, right?

RAYNOR: Yes, but not until you’re ready.

BARNES: Yeah. [Sighs] Can you pass me that ruler?

[Silence — two minutes and nineteen seconds.]

RAYNOR: So. Making amends makes you feel like shit?

BARNES: I didn’t mean it like that. I mean, yeah, it does, but… I don’t know. I just keep thinking about Zemo.

RAYNOR: Zemo? That’s one hell of a non sequitur.

BARNES: No. It isn’t. I keep thinking about his bullshit. The letter he sent. The way he thinks of me as… as this animal on a leash, pretending to be human.

RAYNOR: You’re not.

BARNES: I know that. Most of the time at least, I know that I’m not… that anymore. But I just keep going over it in my head. Thinking how, in some ways, he’s right—

RAYNOR: James—

BARNES: —that there are things… it’s like there are roots in me that can’t ever get pulled out. Things in me they changed, fundamentally changed, the same way they changed my body with the serum and the arm—

RAYNOR: I asked you why it feels bad to make amends, James.

BARNES: And I’m trying to tell you.

RAYNOR: I’m listening.

BARNES: Every time I try to get some closure, it’s just… [sighs]. I’ve told you before. It wasn’t some split personality or some voice in my head. It was me. The guy sitting in front of you, I did those things. And Zemo’s right. That’s still in me. They could take me again, reprogram me, use me again. It wouldn’t be hard.

RAYNOR: That seems very unlikely.

BARNES: But what the hell is the point of — of making amends, of doing this shit? Does anything I do matter? I did those things, and I can’t take it back. I get to walk around, I get to have a life — the people I killed, they don’t.

RAYNOR: That’s a pretty bleak outlook, don’t you think?

BARNES: Not bleak. Just realistic.

RAYNOR: Have you found anything that helps when you start feeling like this?

BARNES: Putting pieces of shit like Collins away kind of helps. Anything else seems… useless. Or self-indulgent. Go stand in front of Hudson’s grave, say “I forgive you”? Who does that actually help? Pretend like shoving that poor bastard Weaver into rehab and giving him a job as SHIELD’s janitor will make up for killing his family and ruining his life? Bullshit. This is bullshit.

RAYNOR: What about what Sam told you? What about focusing on making apologies, like you were before?

BARNES: But is that actually going to help anyone? Or is it just more selfishness? Am I just — just stirring up people’s pain so I can sleep better? If I walk up to Yori and tell him, “Hey, by the way, I murdered your only kid, me, the guy who’s been going to lunch with you for months,” is that really going to help him in any way? Or is it just gonna fuck up a broken old man’s life even more?

RAYNOR: Are you really asking that question, James, or are you trying to give yourself an excuse not to tell him?

BARNES: That’s a low blow, Doc.

RAYNOR: It’s an honest question. And the fact that you’re getting angry with me kind of suggests that you know the answer—

BARNES: What, so now you think I’m just—

RAYNOR: James, you’re the one who decided that making amends would be an important step in your recovery—

BARNES: Yes! Because I have no right to do anything else!

RAYNOR: What makes you say that?

BARNES: I have no right.

RAYNOR: Why the hell not?

BARNES: Because of what I did! Because of what I fucking did all those years! Aren’t you listening?

RAYNOR: You’re angry.

BARNES: No shit.

RAYNOR: Okay. So. Take it out on the page.

BARNES: What?

RAYNOR: Your drawing. You got some red? Or yellow, black, whatever feels right. That thing you’re feeling, that anger—

BARNES: I can’t just—

RAYNOR: James. This is what art therapy’s all about. Humour me?

BARNES: [Sighs]

[Silence — two minutes and forty-five seconds.]

BARNES: It’s still all bullshit, Doc.

RAYNOR: Do I need to recite the Serenity Prayer?

BARNES: I would take it as a personal favour if you didn’t.

RAYNOR: James—

BARNES: I don’t wanna talk about it.

RAYNOR: Well, let’s just draw then.

[Silence — three minutes and eighteen seconds.]

RAYNOR: So, you’re concerned about hurting Yori.

BARNES: I don’t know if I can… if I can bring myself to do it. Tell him.

RAYNOR: Hmm.

BARNES: Don’t.

RAYNOR: Don’t what?

BARNES: Don’t make little therapist noises at me.

RAYNOR: I said “hmm”!

BARNES: Yeah, well, you can read a lot into “hmm”!

RAYNOR: Oh? And what did you read into it, exactly?

BARNES: You’re disappointed in me.

RAYNOR: That’s some pretty blatant projection, James.

BARNES: Projection? What am I projecting?

RAYNOR: You’re disappointed in yourself. And you’re projecting that feeling onto me.

BARNES: Wow. Sure wish I’d gone to school to be a psychiatrist so I could know everything too.

RAYNOR: Oh, a comeback. Very mature. [Pause] So. Why are you disappointed in yourself?

BARNES: I’m not.

RAYNOR: Really.

BARNES: [Sighs]

RAYNOR: We’re here to talk about your feelings, James.

BARNES: Yeah, I got that.

RAYNOR: So tell me how you’re feeling right now.

BARNES: Like I’m under a goddamn microscope. Which I’ve had more than enough of in my life.

RAYNOR: Joking about your trauma. I can’t decide whether that’s progress or just a deflection.

[Silence — one minute and eighteen seconds.]

RAYNOR: You said you had two panic attacks the other week. Have you had any more since then?

BARNES: One.

RAYNOR: When?

BARNES: Last night.

RAYNOR: Want to tell me about it?

BARNES: God, no.

RAYNOR: Well, how are you feeling now? Let me guess—

BARNES: Fine—

RAYNOR: [Simultaneously] —“fine”.

BARNES: Hey.

RAYNOR: [Sighs] Any idea what triggered it?

BARNES: Dream.

RAYNOR: What was the dream about? [Pause] What does shaking your head mean?

[Silence — fourteen seconds.]

RAYNOR: Aside from last night, how’ve you been sleeping? Any better since seeing your sister?

BARNES: About the same.

RAYNOR: What does that mean exactly? How many hours do you get a night?

BARNES: I don’t know. A few.

RAYNOR: Can you give me a number? On average?

BARNES: Like. Three? Four?

RAYNOR: Three or four hours a night?

BARNES: I need less sleep than normal people.

RAYNOR: And what about the nightmares?

BARNES: Mm.

RAYNOR: That’s a “yes, I acknowledge that I have nightmares”?

BARNES: Yes, Doc, Jesus.

RAYNOR: Okay. And when you’ve been having these panic attacks, or when you think there might be a crisis developing, have you been using our safety plan?

BARNES: Of course.

RAYNOR: [Pause] Did you actually?

BARNES: Yeah. Sure. I mean, maybe not exactly.

RAYNOR: Ah, there it is. So, what’s that supposed to mean?

BARNES: I might have skipped a couple steps and just called Sam.

RAYNOR: James. That is not the point of a safety plan—

BARNES: I thought the point was to keep me alive and from going any crazier.

RAYNOR: You’re not crazy. We don’t use that word.

BARNES: Wait, what? Is this another thing like “cripple”? Because I hear people say crazy all the time.

RAYNOR: No, it’s not a… well, some people say it is a slur. I don’t know. But here, in this office, we do not refer to people as crazy.

BARNES: I’m a little crazy though.

RAYNOR: Barnes.

BARNES: If it walks like a duck and swims like a duck—

RAYNOR: You’re trying to antagonize me. I see this and I acknowledge it.

BARNES: Sorry, Doc. But I’m a fucking basket case and we both know it.

RAYNOR: You were in such a good mood when you came in today, and now—

BARNES: Thanks for reminding me why I don’t like therapy.

RAYNOR: I’m so sorry for doing my job and making observations about your mental state.

[Silence — two minutes and twenty-one seconds.]

RAYNOR: So, you don’t like therapy.

BARNES: Aw, come on, Doc. I didn’t mean it like that.

RAYNOR: Well, you’re the one who said it.

BARNES: Look, don’t take it personally. I’m just… [sighs]. Digging through this shit is hard. I’m tired. It’s… hard, sometimes. That’s all.

RAYNOR: You’re yawning a lot today.

BARNES: Am not.

RAYNOR: You’ve yawned, like, six times in the last ten minutes.

BARNES: I thought you were supposed to be drawing, not staring at me.

RAYNOR: I’m a multitasker.

BARNES: I’m fine, Doc.

RAYNOR: We’ve talked about your insomnia before. It’s not news to me. And it’s not weakness to admit that you have a complicated relationship with sleep.

BARNES: It’s not complicated—

RAYNOR: You told me that the nightmares are getting worse.

BARNES: It’s not important.

RAYNOR: Jesus Christ, Barnes, you are so resistant to the idea of trusting, of opening up—

BARNES: I’m trying! This is just a lot, okay?

RAYNOR: I know it is! I know! I know what you’ve been through, I read your files until I wanted to… [sighs]. What I mean is, I know you’re processing a lot. But you can drop the toxic masculinity thing with me and just admit you’re hurting? Or have you forgotten that that’s literally what therapy is for? [Pause] Besides, if you’re really so fine, then why are you here?

[Silence — seven seconds.]

RAYNOR: Yeah. That’s what I thought.

BARNES: [Quietly] This isn’t… easy.

RAYNOR: I know, James. And no one said it would be. [Pause] Let’s talk about your sleeping habits. What time do you go to bed?

BARNES: I don’t know. Usually fall asleep sometime around two, three.

RAYNOR: And then you wake up at five or six?

BARNES: Something like that.

RAYNOR: Do you feel well-rested?

BARNES: Do I look well-rested?

RAYNOR: When was the last time you felt like you really got a good night’s sleep?

[Silence — eight seconds.]

BARNES: I told you before how HYDRA didn’t want me sleeping. Because it’d just undo their work. So if I needed to rest or heal or whatever, it was just… cryo, drugs, whatever.

RAYNOR: Yes. I remember.

BARNES: Well, when I got away, it was like I was compensating for all that time. The first time I felt… not really safe, but like no one would probably find me for a while? Slept for about twenty-four hours straight. Woke up just long enough to drink some water, went back and slept for another twenty.

RAYNOR: You probably were compensating.

BARNES: Maybe. Same thing in Wakanda after they took me out of cryo. Slept for fifteen, eighteen hours a day, every day. Didn’t do much but sleep for months.

RAYNOR: And now you can’t sleep.

BARNES: I sleep.

RAYNOR: Oh, sure, those three hours a night.

BARNES: I told you, normally I don’t need as much as regular people.

RAYNOR: And you also pointed at those bags under your eyes and asked if it looked like you were well-rested.

BARNES: Yeah, well.

RAYNOR: What keeps you from sleeping, James?

[Silence — six seconds.]

BARNES: Security in my apartment is shit.

RAYNOR: Security?

BARNES: Locks don’t keep out anyone who actually wants to get in. And I know SHIELD’s been in there, maybe others. Pretty sure there are still some hidden bugs I haven’t found yet.

RAYNOR: And this bothers you because—

BARNES: Because it’s a violation of my privacy? Which, as you can fucking imagine, is kind of important to me these days?

RAYNOR: Nope. That’s not it.

BARNES: What, you’re just gonna tell me I’m wrong about my own feelings?

RAYNOR: I know you, James, I know that look on your face. You’re afraid. And you wouldn’t be afraid of SHIELD. So. What’s really bothering you?

[Silence — six seconds.]

BARNES: [Quietly] Someday they’re gonna come for me.

RAYNOR: [Pause] We’re not still talking about SHIELD, are we.

BARNES: HYDRA always comes for what’s theirs.

RAYNOR: You’re not “theirs”, James. They don’t own you anymore. Owning people is slavery. It’s illegal. They can’t just—

BARNES: Yeah, well, it was illegal when they took me the last time too. Didn’t stop them then.

RAYNOR: Okay, let’s — let’s be rational, okay? Is this something you genuinely need to be concerned about? How much of HYDRA is even left?

BARNES: Impossible to say. I know for sure there are cells that have gone underground, gone dormant, waiting for the right moment to sprout back up. I know I didn’t get them all. Thing about HYDRA is, it’s not like a weed. You can’t pull it up by the root. It’s decentralized. There is no head to chop off, no single root to pull up. That’s where their power is.

RAYNOR: I’m not questioning that. But is it really rational to let that fear control you? [Pause] Don’t give me that look, James.

BARNES: If you’d seen what they can do to a person — if it had been you — you wouldn’t be asking that.

RAYNOR: The question still stands.

BARNES: No. It doesn’t.

[Silence — two minutes and four seconds.]

RAYNOR: Want some more paper?

BARNES: Yeah, sure. I’ve kind of fucked this one up.

RAYNOR: It’s art. There are no mistakes.

BARNES: The tree drawing I just butchered might disagree.

[Silence — twenty-five seconds.]

RAYNOR: So, how’s Sam?

BARNES: He’s good.

RAYNOR: Earlier you said you called him for support while having a panic attack. How was that?

BARNES: Actually kind of… not horrible.

RAYNOR: You expected calling Sam to be horrible? Are we talking about the same Sam?

BARNES: I don’t know what I expected. But yeah, it was fine, okay? He used to deal with vets. He knows his shit. Kept me talking for a few minutes, kind of… brought me back down.

RAYNOR: That’s excellent to hear. You should be calling him more often.

BARNES: You like Sam way too much.

RAYNOR: I like the effect he has on you. Last time you came back from Louisiana, you were—

BARNES: Yeah, yeah.

RAYNOR: Sure, just shrug it off. You know it’s true. You looked better than I’ve ever seen you.

BARNES: It was nice, staying down there. You know I like the Wilsons.

RAYNOR: Especially this sister of his.

BARNES: Okay, no. You’re my therapist, you’re legally not allowed to tease me.

RAYNOR: [Laughs]

[Silence — forty-two seconds.]

BARNES: This is actually kind of nice. The art stuff.

RAYNOR: Right?

BARNES: I used to go to art classes with Steve, way back before… everything. It was nice, just sitting in a room of people, everyone working on their own pieces and chatting. Just a nice atmosphere. I can see why people do this.

RAYNOR: If this is working for you, we can do it more often.

BARNES: Maybe, yeah.

RAYNOR: Well, thanks for your usual glowing enthusiasm.

[Silence — two minutes and three seconds.]

BARNES: Can I…?

RAYNOR: What?

BARNES: Tell you about stuff?

RAYNOR: That is what we’re here for.

BARNES: Okay. So. The dream. Last night. [Pause] There was a man, a doctor. Named Zola. In 1943, in the labour camp where they took my men.

RAYNOR: And the dream last night, the one that triggered a panic attack, was about him?

BARNES: He had these… little round glasses. And yesterday I saw some hipster kid wearing a pair just like them. Just someone in a coffee shop. And it fucked me up all day. I guess it was the way the light hit them. And then, when I tried to sleep… well, you know.

RAYNOR: Tell me about Zola.

BARNES: I don’t want to talk about him.

RAYNOR: You don’t want to talk about anything. I know. But you’re still here. Doing it, doing the work. [Pause] You can do this, James.

BARNES: He… had a German accent. Short guy. Tiny.

RAYNOR: Tell me about what he did.

BARNES: I was so scared of him. I was fuckin’ terrified of him, Doc.

RAYNOR: I know.

BARNES: He was experimenting on us. The prisoners at Kreischberg. He was trying to develop a serum. HYDRA wanted their own Captain America.

RAYNOR: Jesus.

BARNES: He’d stroll around the cells with the guards, pick out prisoners like he was a kid at a candy shop. Guards would take ‘em away, no one ever saw them again. When we asked where they were going, they told us it was to an isolation ward. But half the men the doctor chose weren’t sick at all. So we knew they were lying.

RAYNOR: That sounds very frightening.

BARNES: We had other shit to worry about. It was a forced labour camp. A weapons factory. Pneumonia was going around, ‘cause it was so cold you could see your breath, and everyone was starving and they worked us sixteen or twenty hours a day, kicked the shit outta anyone who complained, and… a lot of the guys were just plain worn out. Dying on the floor. [Quietly] I shoulda been one of them.

RAYNOR: But you weren’t.

BARNES: No. I still don’t know — why me? Why’d I survive, when so many of my guys were…

RAYNOR: That’s very common, you know. Feeling that way. “Why me?”

BARNES: I know what survivor’s guilt is.

RAYNOR: I wasn’t saying you didn’t. [Pause] Do you want to take a minute?

BARNES: No. It’s fine. Anyway. I got sick, but it didn’t kill me as fast as the others. I don’t know why. Always had a good immune system. Maybe it’s ‘cause I hung out with Steve all the time and he picked up every cold and virus in town. Maybe he saved my life that way without even knowing it.

RAYNOR: That’s kind of a comforting thought, isn’t it?

BARNES: Not really. I don’t know, maybe. [Pause] Anyway. I took a kicking to the ribs. Made the pneumonia that much worse. They figured I wasn’t gonna make it, but… I did. And when I didn’t die, the doctor got interested.

[Silence — six seconds.]

RAYNOR: And then? [Pause] James, you can stop if you’re—

BARNES: There was a lab.

RAYNOR: Okay.

BARNES: All kinds of weird machinery. Fifteen, maybe twenty tables. A man on each table. Strapped down. Some of them were already dead and they just hadn’t dragged the bodies away yet.

RAYNOR: [Quietly] Jesus.

BARNES: French, English, Americans. Even a couple of Germans, maybe guards who’d pissed off the wrong people. So they put me on one of the tables and… the rest is history.

RAYNOR: “The rest is history”?

BARNES: I don’t know, they… I don’t know.

RAYNOR: You mean you don’t know what they did to you.

BARNES: No. Not all of it. [Pause] Anyway. That’s what the dream was about. That lab. And Zola.

RAYNOR: Thank you for telling me.

BARNES: I’m not good at this. Talking. I think I used to be good at it before. But now I’m…

RAYNOR: I think you’re doing better than you’re giving yourself credit for. As usual.

BARNES: That’s not all. [Pause] After I fell off that train, it was him. Zola was the one who made the Winter Soldier. His design. His vision. I’ve never really been religious, but when I woke up on a table and saw him again, I figured I’d died and gone to hell because — ‘cause ever since what he did to me in Kreischberg, I’d had nightmares, I’d had flashbacks, worse than anything I’d had from fighting on the front lines. That shit was bad, but he was worse.

RAYNOR: How do you feel right now?

BARNES: I don’t know.

RAYNOR: Your hand is shaking. [Pause] Does it feel better, having told someone about that?

BARNES: I guess. Yeah.

RAYNOR: You’ve been drawing this whole time.

BARNES: Yeah.

RAYNOR: Makes it easier, doesn’t it? To get it out?

BARNES: Yeah. It does.

RAYNOR: What are you drawing now?

BARNES: A map. Floor plan of the munitions factory they had us in.

RAYNOR: Why did you choose that?

BARNES: What, is it… not right? Was I not supposed to do a map?

RAYNOR: No, anything you want to draw is fine. You’re not being marked on this. [Pause] James, it’s been a while since I asked you this question. What do you want out of therapy?

BARNES:I don’t know.

RAYNOR: I think you have some idea. Or you wouldn’t be here.

BARNES: I want to get better.

RAYNOR: What does “better” look like?

[Silence — seven seconds.]

RAYNOR: James? What does “better” look like to you?

[Silence — five seconds.]

RAYNOR: Look. We can’t undo the things that have been done to you. We can help you cope with them and process them. But let’s remember to set reasonable expectations. You’re never going to be exactly the same person you were in 1945. And definitely not the same person you were before the war.

BARNES: I know.

RAYNOR: So? What do you want out of therapy?

BARNES: I want to be… safe for people to be around.

RAYNOR: For other people. Not for yourself.

BARNES: Yeah.

RAYNOR: Anything else?

BARNES: I want to be… functional?

RAYNOR: Interesting choice of words. Why? Why “functional”?

BARNES: It’s a good thing, right?

RAYNOR: It sounds like the way HYDRA would describe the Winter Soldier. Like a machine.

BARNES: I just want to be… I don’t know. Able to do things like go to a coffee shop without getting fucked up like I did yesterday. Able to sleep. And I don’t want to have to worry about accidentally killing my friends if I lose my shit.

RAYNOR: Okay. Those are reasonable things to keep working toward.

BARNES: And I want to finish my amends.

RAYNOR: You’ve got to talk to Yori.

BARNES: I know.

RAYNOR: You’ve been dancing around this for months and it’s eating you alive—

BARNES: I know, Doc.

RAYNOR: You’re not a coward, you know.

BARNES: That feels kind of backhanded.

RAYNOR: I mean it. You’re not a coward. I know you think of yourself as one.

BARNES: [Sighs]

RAYNOR: You really want my advice? Listen to Sam. Stop focusing on trying to clean up the leftovers from HYDRA. Let the FBI mop up those guys and go do the things only you can do. Give those people closure.

BARNES: I gotta travel for some of it. It’s gonna suck, but if I wanna do this stuff right, do it in person, make sure it goes right—

RAYNOR: Then you’ve gotta go in person.

BARNES: Exactly.

RAYNOR: That’s fine. We can do our appointments over the phone or videocall like before. [Pause] Are you thinking of going alone?

BARNES: Why wouldn’t I?

RAYNOR: Take Sam.

BARNES: I can’t just—

RAYNOR: James? Take Sam.

BARNES: I’ll… think about it.

RAYNOR: On that note, we’re coming up to the end of our time.

BARNES: Already?

RAYNOR: Yup. Why don’t you take that charcoal home with you? You seemed to like using it. And drawing seems to be helpful, right?

BARNES: No, that’s fine, really—

RAYNOR: James, just take the damn charcoal. And some paper.

BARNES: Yes ma’am.

RAYNOR: So I’ll see you next week, right?

BARNES: Yeah.

RAYNOR: And if you need to travel, we can work something out.

BARNES: Thanks. But that probably won't be for a while. Yori’s gotta be first.

RAYNOR: Can you try to make that a priority this week? Talking to him?

BARNES: Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

RAYNOR: Good. And you can call me anytime if you need to—

End of transcript.

Chapter Text

———

Dr. RAYNOR, Christina A.
Patient: Sgt. BARNES, James B. — DOB 03/10/1917
Supplementary material #6

Voicemail inbox
(929) 746-0646 [cell phone registered to James B. Barnes]
Accessed at 6:39 PM 05/25/2024

Welcome to voicemail. Please enter your four-digit access code followed by the pound key.

0704#

Welcome, [BUCKY]. You have [FOUR] new messages. First new message:

May 23 at 11:43 AM:
Hi James, this is Dr. Raynor. Well, you missed our appointment today and you haven’t texted me back, so... I just wanted to check in. Call me back, all right? Or text. You’re not in trouble, I just want to hear from you.

Next message:

May 24 at 12:19 PM:
It’s me again. Dr. Raynor. Christina. I still haven’t heard back from you and it’s been twenty-four hours. Look, just call me as soon as you get this, all right?

Next message:

May 25 at 10:02 AM:
Guess who, James. If I don’t hear from you by the end of my workday, I’m coming to do a wellness check. Call me back. Text me, even. Send up smoke signals, whatever. Just give me something, all right?

Next message:

May 25 at 2:37 PM:
Well, James, it’s Christina yet again. This is just a courtesy call to tell you I’m on my way to your apartment. If you’re not there, I will file a missing persons report, and I can just imagine how much Twitter will love that, so don’t you dare try to duck out on me. Put some pants on and start the coffee, if you’re still alive. Which you had better be. I’ll be there in half an hour.

You have no new messages.

———

INTERIOR MICROPHONE 3 (BOOKSHELF, EAST WALL)
#110 44518 Carroll St., Brooklyn, NY, United States of America, Earth
11213-4404

Primary residence of Sgt. James B. Barnes

3:01 PM 05/25/2024

Audio transcript as follows:

[Knocking]

DR. CHRISTINA RAYNOR: James. Open up.

[Silence — eleven seconds.]

RAYNOR: James, this is a wellness check. Open up right now or I will let myself in. I have a key.

[Knocking — twelve seconds.]

RAYNOR: [Quietly] God damn it.

[Key unlocking door. Door opening.]

RAYNOR: James? I’m coming in. [Pause] James? Are you home?

[Silence — eight seconds.]

RAYNOR: James, are you—it’s me, it’s just me, it’s Dr. Raynor, Jesus Christ!

SGT. JAMES BARNES: Oh my God. Oh, shit. Doc? What’s… what are you…?

RAYNOR: [Breathing heavily] Wellness check.

BARNES: You okay?

RAYNOR: Yup. Yup. Yes. Fine. Once I stop having a heart attack, I’ll be… fine. And you?

BARNES: Yeah. Fine.

RAYNOR: You sure? [Pause] You… don’t look great.

BARNES: What?

RAYNOR: Jesus, look at you. Have you slept? At all? Like, this week?

[Silence — six seconds.]

RAYNOR: Why didn’t you answer the door?

BARNES: [Pause] I… don’t know.

RAYNOR: [Pause] Look, I’m sorry I barged in. I was just concerned — you missed therapy a couple of days ago and I’ve been calling but—

BARNES: A couple of days ago?

RAYNOR: It’s Saturday.

BARNES: [Pause] What?

RAYNOR: Yeah.

BARNES: What? No. But — I thought it was — I was just — it’s been three days? Are you sure?

RAYNOR: Yes, I’m very sure it’s Saturday.

BARNES: [Quietly] Oh, no.

RAYNOR: Okay. Okay. Sit back down, James. Just take it easy. Do you know where you are?

BARNES: My apartment? Brooklyn? Right?

RAYNOR: Yes. That’s good. Okay. Breathe. Remember how I showed you to breathe? In for four, hold for four—

BARNES: I don’t need to breathe—

RAYNOR: Oh yeah? Tell me again that you’re feeling fine, I goddamn dare you.

BARNES: I’m just… I don’t understand. [Quietly] I don’t understand.

RAYNOR: Let’s start from the beginning.

BARNES: I… I don’t know. [Inaudible] My head’s a mess.

RAYNOR: What do you mean, a mess?

BARNES: Feels like everything’s really far away. [Pause] This is real, right? You’re—?

RAYNOR: Yes. Yes, I’m definitely real.

BARNES: I hate this. Like I’m slipping. Oh, God. Like this whole thing was a dream and I’m gonna wake up back there.

RAYNOR: Okay, okay, easy. You’re here, okay? We are here, it’s 2024, we’re in your sad-ass apartment. This is real. Your brain wouldn’t make something like this up.

BARNES: [Scoffs] My brain would probably give me a nicer therapist, for one.

RAYNOR: Now that sounds more like you. [Pause] Okay. So. You remember the word for this?

BARNES: Dissociation?

RAYNOR: How long have you been feeling this way?

BARNES: I don’t know. I think for a while I was just… checked out. Not here at all. It feels like it’s been going on for a while, but I didn’t think three days—

RAYNOR: And are you still feeling that way right now? Dissociated?

BARNES: Yeah.

RAYNOR: What do you remember from the last few days?

BARNES: I… being here, mostly, I think.

RAYNOR: Mostly?

BARNES: I don’t know. I don’t know. It’s just a blur.

RAYNOR: So, to be very clear — you don’t remember your whereabouts? You can’t confirm that you were here the whole time?

BARNES: I — no. Can you stop grilling me, already?

RAYNOR: [Sighs] Okay. Anything else?

BARNES: It’s hard to — I just, nothing’s sinking in. I just, I don’t… three days, what the—

RAYNOR: It’s okay—

BARNES: No, it’s fucking not! Nothing about this is okay.

[Silence — five seconds.]

RAYNOR: Now, don’t take this the wrong way, I have to ask in these situations — at any point in the last few days, did you take something? Drugs, alcohol—

BARNES: No, of course not.

RAYNOR: Are you absolutely sure? Because if you did, if we can find a clear reason for this, it’ll be—

BARNES: Drugs don’t even work on me, remember?

RAYNOR: Well, your file says there are some compounds that… nevermind. Look, can I just—?

BARNES: What?

RAYNOR: I just want to take a look at your pupils.

BARNES: I told you, I didn’t take anything.

RAYNOR: And I believe you. But losing time like this is not normal. Maybe you have a concussion, maybe this is a neurological event, who knows, but something obviously is wrong, so can I just — [Pause] Okay! Okay. Easy. I’m backing off, okay?

BARNES: Stop crowding me.

RAYNOR: Okay. I am. See? You’re fine.

BARNES: We both know I’m not fucking fine right now. [Pause] Just give me a minute, just... just a minute. Can you move, please.

RAYNOR: Move?

BARNES: Move, please, now. I gotta be able to see the door.

RAYNOR: Better?

BARNES: Yeah. [Pause] How’d you get in, anyway?

RAYNOR: SHIELD gave me a key to your apartment in case of emergencies. And this did kind of seem like an emergency. I did try knocking first, for what it’s worth--

BARNES: They gave you a key? To my apartment?

RAYNOR: I know, I know. Take it up with them, all right?

BARNES: No, I already knew they didn’t give a shit about my privacy, that’s whatever, I just — they gave you a key so you could get into my apartment? Are they trying to kill you?

RAYNOR: We both know you’re not—

BARNES: Yes, Doc, for fuck’s sake, I could have killed you.

RAYNOR: [Quietly] You didn’t look like you would have. Your body language, everything looked defensive. Not aggressive.

BARNES: But I could have.

RAYNOR: Maybe. The point is, you didn’t. [Pause] You really do look like crap, by the way.

BARNES: Tactful as always, Doc.

RAYNOR: When was the last time you slept?

BARNES: How the hell am I supposed to know? I didn’t even know what day it was.

RAYNOR: Okay. Okay. Let’s just… backtrack, okay? Something must have set this off. Do you remember anything? Anything at all from the last few days? Did something happen to you?

[Silence — nine seconds.]

RAYNOR: Okay, calm down. Let’s just start slow. Do you remember what triggered this?

[Silence — seven seconds.]

BARNES: [Quietly] I went to see Yori.

RAYNOR: You told him?

BARNES: Yeah.

RAYNOR: Oh. Oh, no.

BARNES: Yeah.

RAYNOR: And I… take it that it didn’t go well.

BARNES: Not really.

RAYNOR: [Quietly] Oh, shit.

BARNES: What?

RAYNOR: This is on me. Last week — I was pushing you. I told you to—

BARNES: Come on, it’s not like that. It’s not your fault. I had to do it. It was my thing.

RAYNOR: You don’t seem well. It's worrying, all right? I’m officially worried. [Pause] James, please say something.

BARNES: [Quietly] I killed his kid. His kid. Can you imagine?

RAYNOR: The Winter Soldier killed his kid.

BARNES: Same goddamn thing.

RAYNOR: We both know that’s not true.

BARNES: Do we?

RAYNOR: [Pause] Do you want to talk about it? How it went with Yori?

BARNES: Maybe in a minute, I just… I’m still…

RAYNOR: Take as long as you need.

BARNES: [Pause] I told him I didn’t have a choice. Like you told me last week.

RAYNOR: And what did he say?

BARNES: He didn’t say anything. He just started crying. He didn’t say a single word. I asked him to say something, but he just… he wanted me to leave, so I let myself out and came back here, and everything since then is just… a blur. Oh, fuck. Fuck me, fuck, fuck…

RAYNOR: Okay. Okay.

BARNES: [Quietly] What’s wrong with me? Why is this happening?

RAYNOR: We’re going to figure this out, okay?

BARNES: Do you think it’s a brain thing?

RAYNOR: [Sighs] Knowing you, James, I think it’s probably an a-lot-of-things thing.

BARNES: This used to happen sometimes. Or something like this. I don’t think it’s the same, but — am I just going backwards? Is this like a relapse?

RAYNOR: This has happened before? Losing time?

BARNES: Kind of.

RAYNOR: What? When?

BARNES: Years ago. When I’d just gotten out. But usually it was for a few seconds, not… this.

RAYNOR: Maybe absence seizures?

BARNES: No, it wasn’t a seizure. Wasn’t thrashing around or anything—

RAYNOR: Absence seizures aren’t like that. More like you just blank out for a few seconds. Now, that might have been what you had before, especially if you were crashing from that nice little drug regimen HYDRA had you on, but that’s definitely not what we’re dealing with today. Absence seizures don’t last for three days.

BARNES: Then what the hell is wrong with me?

RAYNOR: Okay. Okay. Just give me a minute, okay? I need to think.

[Silence — eleven seconds.]

RAYNOR: So, I’m thinking that your interaction with Yori — it set you off, it triggered you enough to send you into some kind of… intense dissociative state. Which is not uncommon with PTSD. And often with dissociation there’s memory loss, memory fragmentation — you have trouble remembering what happened. It’s a self-defense mechanism.

BARNES: For three days though?

RAYNOR: It’s extreme, but it’s possible. Particularly given the… complexities of your case.

BARNES: You mean my fried brain.

RAYNOR: [Sighs] There might be both physical and psychological aspects to this event, yes.

BARNES: So is this gonna happen again?

RAYNOR: James, I can’t say for sure what’s—

BARNES: I need to know. Okay? If this is gonna be my life, I have to know if I’m just gonna… switch off like that again.

RAYNOR: It’s… well, if it happened once, it’s possible it could happen again. Unlikely, but under the right circumstances… [Pause] I’m sorry.

BARNES: Well, fuck.

RAYNOR: Okay. So. Let’s make a plan to keep it from happening again. And a plan in case it does.

BARNES: Can I just… can I have a couple of minutes before we talk about this?

RAYNOR: You know, that’s a good idea. Take some time, process things. I’m gonna make us some tea.

BARNES: ‘Kay.

[Cupboards opening and closing.]

RAYNOR: Uh, it would appear that you only have one mug.

BARNES: Aw, shit. Uh, there’s a thermos in the other cupboard, it has a lid that unscrews into a cup. I can use that.

RAYNOR: Guess that’ll do. [Pause] So. This is your apartment? You actually live here, or is this some kind of decoy, or safehouse, or what?

BARNES: What’s that supposed to mean?

RAYNOR: You have, let’s see: one, two… three pieces of furniture. One of which is a TV. Four if I get generous and count the piano.

BARNES: So?

RAYNOR: So, that’s not how people usually live.

BARNES: I’m not really people.

RAYNOR: [Sighs] Jesus Christ, James.

[Silence — thirty-two seconds.]

RAYNOR: So, you play?

BARNES: What?

RAYNOR: The piano. You play?

BARNES: Not really anymore.

RAYNOR: Then why do you have it?

BARNES: I don’t know. Neighbour was getting rid of it. I thought maybe… I don’t know.

RAYNOR: Did you play before?

BARNES: Sure. It’s nothing special, everyone used to know how. Time before TV, you know?

RAYNOR: Mm. It’s just a weird choice, having practically nothing, and then — piano.

BARNES: Well, I like music.

RAYNOR: Why didn’t you ever mention that?

BARNES: You didn’t ask.

RAYNOR: [Sighs] James.

BARNES: What.

RAYNOR: Well, at least playing music is very therapeutic. Good for motor skills and coordination, probably good physiotherapy for your arm—

BARNES: Not really. I keep denting the damn keys.

RAYNOR: [Snorts] Fair enough. I would ask you what kind of tea you want, but you have approximately… one kind. So.

BARNES: Are you tea-shaming me?

[Kitchen noises; hot water pouring.]

RAYNOR: I’d say you’ve tea-shamed yourself. At least now I know what you’re getting for Christmas.

BARNES: More tea. Great.

RAYNOR: Maybe even a second mug.

BARNES: Let’s not go crazy.

RAYNOR: [Laughs] Here.

BARNES: No, hey, give me the thermos one.

RAYNOR: No. You get the mug. You need it more than I do.

BARNES: [Sighs] Fine. Thanks.

RAYNOR: So. What do you remember from the last couple of days? Anything? Have you just been sitting here in your sad apartment of sadness?

BARNES: Okay, first of all, lay off the apartment comments. And second — I meant it before. I don’t know.

RAYNOR: Do you have any idea if you went anywhere? Do you remember if you saw anyone, or what you did, or…?

BARNES: Just bits and pieces. I think I was just here the whole time. But… I can’t tell you that for sure.

RAYNOR: That’s… concerning to me, James.

BARNES: Oh yeah? Imagine how I fucking feel.

RAYNOR: Point taken.

BARNES: I feel like if anything big happened, I’d remember it. But it’s just all kind of a blur.

RAYNOR: Okay. Okay. [Sighs]

BARNES: What?

RAYNOR: I’m thinking. Give me a second.

BARNES: You’re worried. [Pause] Doc? What’s wrong?

RAYNOR: I’m thinking. Drink your tea.

[Silence — sixteen seconds.]

BARNES: [Quietly] You ever had a dream so bad, it ruins your whole day? Like you wake up and that shitty feeling just lingers?

RAYNOR: Maybe once or twice. But yes, I follow.

BARNES: Feels like that right now. Waking up.

RAYNOR: Does that happen often, that bad-dream feeling?

BARNES: [Laughs] I woke up from a dream and it was real. The worst dream I’d ever had, and it turned out real. I killed my friend Howard. Killed his wife. Killed ladies, killed strangers who never did anything wrong, killed — I killed little goddamn kids. Topped it all off by almost killing my best friend.

RAYNOR: None of which you were responsible for.

BARNES: Wrong. They gave me a pardon, Doc. You know what that means? Means that I was guilty. That they legally found me guilty of doing those things and decided to pardon me for it. But the guilt, that’s key. Otherwise, what are you being forgiven for?

RAYNOR: But you were forgiven.

BARNES: Not by Yori.

RAYNOR: You said — what you told him — you said you didn’t have a choice.

BARNES: So?

RAYNOR: How did that—

BARNES: Don’t ask me how it made me feel.

RAYNOR: All right, fine. So. Why did you tell him that?

BARNES: I…

[Silence — nine seconds.]

RAYNOR: Say it. I can see it on your face. Just say it.

BARNES: Because I didn’t. I didn’t have a choice? Right?

RAYNOR: That’s right.

BARNES: [Pause] I… didn’t have a choice.

RAYNOR: You almost sound like you’re starting to believe that.

BARNES: I didn’t — I didn’t…

[Silence — twelve seconds.]

RAYNOR: I’m sorry, James. Sometimes I — well, for a therapist, I’ve been told I’m not the most… comforting, in moments like these.

BARNES: [Clears throat] It’s fine. I’m fine.

RAYNOR: A lot of things have been… done to you. It’s okay to acknowledge that they were wrong. It’s healthy to be angry, or sad, or… whatever it is you’re feeling.

BARNES: [Quietly] I didn’t have a choice.

RAYNOR: You really, really didn’t.

[Silence — fourteen seconds]

RAYNOR: [Pause] So where do we go from here?

BARNES: Aren’t you supposed to tell me that?

RAYNOR: I’m your therapist. I don’t run your life. They definitely don’t pay me enough for that.

BARNES: [Snorts] How’s that comedy career coming?

RAYNOR: Well, I can actually make you smile once in a while, so I'd say I'm pretty successful. [Pause] Is that…?

BARNES: Oh. Yup. That’s the notebook Becca saved for me.

RAYNOR: May I—?

BARNES: Uh, sure.

RAYNOR: [Pause] Wow. Cute drawing. That you?

BARNES: Uh, yeah. She liked to sketch. Like I said.

RAYNOR: Very talented.

BARNES: Looks like I missed those genes.

RAYNOR: Spine’s in good shape, paper isn’t too yellow. Your sister took good care of this.

BARNES: Yeah. She did.

RAYNOR: I know it took a lot out of you, going to see her. But I’m very glad you did.

BARNES: Yeah. Me too.

[Silence — nine seconds.]

RAYNOR: Maybe hot tea was a bad idea. Christ, it’s warm in here. You actually like it like this?

BARNES: Not a big fan of the cold.

RAYNOR: Now I see why you like Louisiana so much. Had to be something besides alligators and mosquitoes to recommend—

BARNES: Oh, fuck! Sam!

RAYNOR: What?

BARNES: Where’s my phone? Have you seen my — where’s my phone?

RAYNOR: Is that it in the corner?

[Silence — six seconds.]

BARNES: Oh, shit. Sam’s freaking out. Eighteen texts, four missed calls. I gotta call him, is it okay if I just… I gotta call him.

RAYNOR: Yeah, of course, go ahead.

[Silence — nine seconds. Phone ringing.]

MAJ. SAMUEL WILSON: [Speakerphone] Bucky?

BARNES: Sam?

WILSON: Oh, thank God. What the actual hell, Buck! I’ve been calling you for two days, you don’t pick up? Text messages are whatever, but someone calls you, you pick the fuck up!

RAYNOR: Sam.

WILSON: Who’s that? Is that a… am I interrupting something?

RAYNOR: No—

BARNES: [Simultaneously] Yes.

WILSON: Do not tell me that you’ve had some ladyfriend over for the last two days and that’s why you haven’t been answering the phone. Do not you dare tell me that.

RAYNOR: [Quietly] Are you going to tell him?

BARNES: [Sighs]

RAYNOR: [Quietly] Do you want me to?

WILSON: What the hell is going on? Tell me what?

RAYNOR: [Quietly] I think it’d be good for you to tell him.

BARNES: You tell him. It’s just Sam, it’s fine, tell him whatever.

WILSON: Tell me what? Bucky, come on, man, you’re freaking me out. Everything okay?

RAYNOR: Sam, this is Dr. Raynor. James has had a dissociative episode of some kind.

WILSON: Oh, shit—

RAYNOR: It’s fine, everyone’s fine, we’re dealing with it.

WILSON: What happened? Is he okay? Where is he?

RAYNOR: Yes, he’s okay. He’s at home, I’m here with him. I came by to do a wellness check after he missed our last therapy appointment.

WILSON: When you say “episode”, what exactly are we talking about here?

RAYNOR: That’s what we’re trying to assess right now. He’s missing some time.

WILSON: How much?

BARNES: About three days.

WILSON: Days? What the hell happened?

RAYNOR: [Pause] James was working on his amends, and...

BARNES: And it didn’t go so well.

WILSON: Shit. Do you need me to come? Buck?

BARNES: I’m fine, Sam.

WILSON: You don’t exactly sound fine.

BARNES: For fuck’s sake, I said I’m fine.

WILSON: Okay, I know you didn’t just swear at me.

RAYNOR: James—

WILSON: Buck. Hey. Man. I’m asking you. Are you okay?

BARNES: [Laughs]

WILSON: [Pause] Okay, I will be there in… six hours. I am literally packing a bag right now.

RAYNOR: I think that’s an excellent idea. Thank you, Sam. James, say thank you.

BARNES: It’s fine, Sam, you don’t gotta—

WILSON: Goodbye, Buck. See you soon.

BARNES: [Pause] Well, shit. Guess I’ve got company coming.

RAYNOR: I assume he won’t be staying here, what with all of your… nothing.

BARNES: I’ll get him a hotel room or something. Unless he likes sleeping on the floor.

RAYNOR: Do you?

BARNES: Like sleeping on the floor?

RAYNOR: Yeah.

BARNES: [Snorts] I don’t much like sleeping anywhere.

RAYNOR: Well, I for one am glad Sam’s coming.

BARNES: Dunno what he expects. Not like he can fix anything.

RAYNOR: You know, James, if you let people get closer to you — if you let them in, maybe you’d have enough support to keep you from—

BARNES: From going nuts?

RAYNOR: You know what, yes, God damn it. Yes. If Sam were around more often and you let yourself just unwind a little around people, if you built yourself the kind of support network you deserve, maybe this kind of thing wouldn’t have—

BARNES: What’s wrong?

RAYNOR: What?

BARNES: You’re nervous. You’re taking it out on me. Why.

RAYNOR: I’m not nervous, James—

BARNES: Don’t bullshit me. I don’t know much, but I know how to read people. What’s. Wrong.

RAYNOR: Okay. Okay. So. [Pause] The thing is — I think SHIELD needs to know about this.

BARNES: What? No.

RAYNOR: Take it easy, James, just sit down and let’s talk about this—

BARNES: [Simultaneously] You want them to start stalking me again? Bugging my apartment again? Assuming they ever stopped—

RAYNOR: James, please, they’re unlikely to do anything more than a routine [inaudible]—

BARNES: [Simultaneously] You don’t get it. You don’t get what’s at stake for me here. What, you want them to pull me in for another interrogation? Take away my passport? Tell me I’m not cleared for combat anymore, so I can’t be out there watching Sam’s back when he needs it? Or, or just lock me up in some fucking black site? Assuming they don’t try to just put new codewords in my head, because they know they can do it, they know it’s possible—

RAYNOR: James! Get a grip. Sit your ass down and listen to me. [Pause] Thank you.

BARNES: You don’t have to tell them anything. This doesn’t have to be a thing. Please, Doc. I’m asking you. I am asking. Please.

RAYNOR: [Sighs] Listen. I am contractually obligated to report to them if I have any serious concerns about your… stability, your competence, your general—

BARNES: You’re concerned about my mental competence?

RAYNOR: No — James, no, that is not what I’m saying. But I’m contractually obligated to report events like this episode. SHIELD could sue me for breach of contract, among other things, if I don’t. All right? Do you get the position I’m in?

[Silence — six seconds.]

RAYNOR: James?

[Silence — eight seconds.]

RAYNOR: I’m sorry, for what it’s worth.

BARNES: [Quietly] What do you think they’re gonna do with me?

RAYNOR: Probably nothing. Maybe restart surveillance. I don’t think they’ll do anything more than that, given how well you’ve been doing overall. I can make a recommendation in my report, if that would help. [Pause] If you had some input, what would you want me to say to them?

BARNES: “Leave him the fuck alone” would be a nice start.

RAYNOR: I wish I could. But just because I care about you doesn’t mean that I can ignore my professional capacity as their contracted consultant on your mental health.

[Silence — thirty-four seconds.]

RAYNOR: How have you been sleeping this week? Before this… episode, I mean.

BARNES: Haven’t.

RAYNOR: You haven’t been sleeping?

BARNES: Not really.

RAYNOR: No wonder you’re...

BARNES: A fucking mess?

RAYNOR: Well, that might have contributed. You get worked up and stressed out, you’re not sleeping, probably not eating, you’re isolating yourself, your nervous system’s on alert — it all adds up, and then when Yori... well. God damn it, James. [Pause] So? Wanna tell me why you aren’t sleeping? Is it stress, or nightmares? Both?

[Silence — ten seconds.]

RAYNOR: How long has this been going on?

[Silence — eight seconds.]

RAYNOR: James. Come on. Don’t shut down again, talk to me.

BARNES: What, so you can put that in your report?

RAYNOR: Just talk to me. Let me help you.

BARNES: You expect me to want anything to do with you after this?

RAYNOR: I’m sorry, James, I—

BARNES: You don’t even call me by my name.

RAYNOR: [Pause] You don’t want to be called James?

BARNES: My name is Bucky.

RAYNOR: But… I asked you. During our first session, I asked you what to call you and—

BARNES: No, you didn’t. You asked me if you could call me James.

RAYNOR: So why didn’t you say no?

BARNES: Why the fuck do you think? I didn’t care, I was forced to go to therapy, I didn’t want to be there, getting picked apart by some stranger, don’t you think I’ve had enough of that—

RAYNOR: I’m not some stranger anymore. You could have — at some point you could have just goddamn told me you wanted to be called something else!

BARNES: It doesn’t matter.

RAYNOR: James—Bucky—

BARNES: [Quietly] I trusted you.

RAYNOR: [Pause] I know. I’m sorry.

[Silence — eight seconds.]

BARNES: I think you should leave.

RAYNOR: I don’t think it would be responsible to leave you alone right now.

BARNES: I’m asking you. Leave.

RAYNOR: And I’m telling you, I don’t think it would be—

BARNES: I promise not to off myself before Sam gets here, okay? Just go. I’m done.

[Silence — seven seconds.]

RAYNOR: Will you at least text me when Sam gets here?

BARNES: Sure. Fine.

RAYNOR: Okay. So — I’ll see you on Thursday?

BARNES: [Scoffs]

RAYNOR: [Sighs] Please, just think about this, all right? You’ve made so much progress, you have come so far—

BARNES: Stop. We’re not having this conversation right now.

RAYNOR: And — you’re sure you’re going to be okay? You promise me — if you need anything, if you need support, you will call, right? If not me, then someone else.

BARNES: [Sighs] Fine.

RAYNOR: Okay. [Pause] Well, I guess I will… see you later, then. Bucky.

BARNES: Yeah. See you around, Doc.

End of recording.

———

Appendix 1: Communications between Dr. Christina RAYNOR and Maj. Samuel WILSON

Text thread

9:40 PM EDT 05/25/2024
Incoming number: (337) 635-7555 [cell phone registered to Maj. Samuel T. Wilson]
Outgoing number: (212) 925-8945 [cell phone registered to Dr. Christina A. Raynor]

MAJ. SAMUEL WILSON
Hi Dr raynor. This is Sam. I’m with B. He told me to text u and tell u all is well.

DR. CHRISTINA RAYNOR
Hi Sam. Can I call you

RAYNOR
?
Read at 9:41 PM

WILSON
Ok??

---

Phone call

Incoming number: (337) 635-7555 [cell phone registered to Maj. Samuel P. Wilson]
Outgoing number: (212) 925-8945 [cell phone registered to Dr. Christina A. Raynor]

9:58 PM EDT 05/25/2024
Transcript of phone call as follows:

DR. CHRISTINA RAYNOR: Hi, Sam.

MAJ. SAMUEL WILSON: Dr. Raynor.

RAYNOR: Thank you for taking my call.

WILSON: Yeah, about that. You’re my friend’s therapist. Is this phone call going to be remotely ethical?

RAYNOR: I don’t plan to discuss anything confidential with you.

WILSON: Good. Because it kind of sounds like confidentiality isn’t your top priority.

RAYNOR: [Sighs] Sam, you don’t know me nearly well enough to start busting my balls like that.

WILSON: All I know is, Bucky’s so upset he won’t even touch the pad thai I brought over. Do you know how much that man loves pad thai?

RAYNOR: Sounds like he told you why he’s upset with me?

WILSON: Yeah.

RAYNOR: And?

WILSON: I’m no psychiatrist, Dr. Raynor. I just counselled veterans for a couple of years down at the VA. I have a bachelor’s degree, not a doctorate. So maybe that’s why I don’t get where you’re coming from, in all your wisdom. But let’s step back for a second, okay? Your patient, my friend, is in a real bad place right now. He needs support. Is violating his privacy and ruining your relationship with him really the right thing to do here?

RAYNOR: Sam, I respect your point of view, but you have to understand — I have obligations. Professional, contractual, legal obligations—

WILSON: I’m aware of your obligations. Buck told me everything. And now I’ve said my piece. So are we done here?

RAYNOR: Wait.

WILSON: What.

RAYNOR: James needs help, Sam. And he won’t accept it from me.

WILSON: And why’s that?

RAYNOR: Are you just playing dumb, or did he really not tell you?

WILSON: Assume it’s a little of both.

RAYNOR: We… had a misunderstanding. The requirements of my contract are getting in the way of our professional relationship. And Sam — you’re the only other person he lets close to him, you realize that?

WILSON: He’s got—

RAYNOR: No, you listen to me. You are the only person he’s got. Certainly the only one he’s willing to listen to right now. He is very vulnerable right now—

WILSON: Yeah, and it kinda sounds like you’re about to make him a lot more vulnerable.

RAYNOR: I signed a contract. I can’t just ignore that. You both know that.

WILSON: If this were any other patient, this kind of bullshit would never—

RAYNOR: But it’s not. It’s James. And his mental health is a national security risk.

WILSON: Okay, wow.

RAYNOR: I’m not being insensitive. I am being literal.

WILSON: So why are you calling me, exactly?

RAYNOR: I am calling to tell you to look after him. Because I have to file this report. And I don’t think he’s going to forgive me for it. So I am asking you — keep an eye out for him, all right? I can recommend some other therapists if you want, ones that aren’t on retainer with SHIELD like me—

WILSON: I know some good people too, if he’s ready for that. [Pause] I’ll make sure he’s looked after. Okay?

RAYNOR: I appreciate that.

WILSON: You know I’m not gonna let anything happen to him.

RAYNOR: [Sighs] Thank you.

WILSON: Yeah. Look — I gotta get going.

RAYNOR: No, it’s fine. Thanks for hearing me out.

WILSON: Yup. Goodbye, Doctor.

End of recording.

———

Appendix 2: Psychiatric incident report

Filed by: Dr. Christina A. RAYNOR
Patient: Sgt. BARNES, James B.
Date filed: 05/26/2024

On May 25, 2024, I performed a wellness check at the personal residence of patient James Barnes. Barnes had been absent from our usually scheduled therapy session on May 23, and had been unresponsive to my following attempts to contact him by text and phone.

Upon interacting with Barnes at his home, it became apparent that he was suffering from a prolonged dissociative episode triggered by an emotional disturbance in his personal life that occurred the night before our therapy session was scheduled. This dissociative episode presented with memory fragmentation of the three days prior to the wellness check. In plain language, Barnes was disoriented and unable to clearly remember or explain his whereabouts or activities during that time, and had experienced time loss to some degree.

Although Barnes was not violent at any time during the wellness check, even after being startled by my entrance, he did appear agitated and was clearly distressed by the loss of control he experienced during this episode. James continues to suffer from the effects of severe PTSD, in addition to moderate anxiety and depression, but I must emphatically note that the trajectory of his recovery has been remarkable considering the extreme circumstances of his life to date. His general emotional wellbeing is poor to middling, but his day-to-day functionality is excellent and I have seen no evidence that his mental competence or moral character should come into question. Additionally, I have seen vast improvements in James’ emotional stability over the last months, due in no small part to developing friendships that support him in his recovery. I would also be remiss if I did not note that James has been active in preventing multiple terrorist threats from coming to fruition over the past months, largely in partnership with Sam Wilson, AKA Captain America.

Barnes does not appear to have done any harm to himself or to others during this episode. It is my strongly held belief that he poses no danger to the general public. This assessment aligns with my previous reports on his mental wellbeing from earlier this spring, in which I consistently indicate that he is a greater threat to himself than to others. To be clear, I am submitting this incident report out of an abundance of caution, in accordance with the legal and professional requirements of my contract as SHIELD’s mental health liaison for his case, rather than out of any concern for public safety.

It is my recommendation that the risk assessment committee overseeing his case does not take any action at this time, but keeps this incident report on file in case of future developments.

Dr. Christina Alice Raynor
May 26, 2024

Chapter Text

———
Dr. RAYNOR, Christina A.
Patient: Sgt. BARNES, James B. — DOB 03/10/1917

Incoming number: (929) 746-0646 [cell phone registered to James B. Barnes]
Outgoing number: (212) 925-8945 [cell phone registered to Dr. Christina A. Raynor]
1:27 PM EDT
July 1, 2024
Transcript of recording as follows:

DR. CHRISTINA RAYNOR: Hello?

SGT. JAMES BARNES: Hey. It’s, uh, James. Barnes.

RAYNOR: Yes, I saw your name.

BARNES: Right. Caller ID.

RAYNOR: Everyone’s got it these days.

BARNES: Yeah.

RAYNOR: [Pause] It’s… well, it’s good to hear from you.

BARNES: Uh, is this a bad time?

RAYNOR: No, this is fine. Did you need something?

BARNES: No, I just… I don’t know. [Pause] This is awkward.

RAYNOR: Only if you make it awkward.

BARNES: Maybe pointing out that something is awkward, by definition, makes it awkward.

RAYNOR: Kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

BARNES: Guess so.

RAYNOR: Yup. [Pause] So. Is there a reason you’re calling, James? Bucky. Sorry.

BARNES: Uh, yeah.

RAYNOR: And that would be…?

BARNES: I… was kind of hoping you’d be up for a session. [Pause] Doc?

RAYNOR: I'm here. I was slightly under the impression that you never wanted to see me again. It’s been, what, a month? Two months?

BARNES: [Sighs] Look, I… maybe I overreacted. I guess I just kind of… stopped thinking of you as my SHIELD-assigned, court-mandated, legally required therapist and started, I dunno—

RAYNOR: Thinking of me as a friend?

BARNES: [Quietly] Stupid.

RAYNOR: No, not stupid, J—Bucky. I do have professional and contractual obligations to SHIELD and to the public. And I also care about you, as my patient, as a human being. Those two things can coexist.

BARNES: Guess they’ll have to.

RAYNOR: Where are you right now?

BARNES: Tunisia. And heading to Taiwan tomorrow.

RAYNOR: Wow. Amending?

BARNES: What else? Starting to feel like I won’t ever be done.

RAYNOR: What’s that looking like?

BARNES: Yeah, it’s a non-stop party. What do you think?

RAYNOR: You call me up just to snap at me? Nice.

BARNES: [Sighs] Sorry, I didn’t mean… this is just...

RAYNOR: James. I’m teasing. Mostly.

BARNES: This isn’t going great.

RAYNOR: Come on, it’s been less than a minute. Give me a chance.

BARNES: I meant the amending.

RAYNOR: Right. Yes.

BARNES: I’ve put away pretty much all the HYDRA assholes who weren’t already dead, so now it’s mostly — mostly just delivering news. Finding people I took things from, telling them that there’s been justice served, where it can be. Telling them that the people who ordered me to hurt them or their families are dead or behind bars, and that those things won’t happen again. At least, that I’ll never — you know. And that I’m — that I’d never have — [sighs]. That I’m sorry.

RAYNOR: Well, that sounds like a fun trip.

BARNES: [Snorts] Yeah. Exactly.

RAYNOR: And does it feel better afterwards? After you’ve told them all that?

BARNES: Sometimes, it feels… uh, good. Really good. Sometimes the opposite. Depends how they react.

RAYNOR: Well, this is the hardest part. Because you’re hurting people. You’re hurting them in order to help them. And despite all your manly posturing, Barnes, you hate hurting people. I mean, tell me I’m wrong.

BARNES: [Quietly] Never wanted to hurt anyone.

RAYNOR: I know. As you’ve told me before, you didn’t sign up for any of this. You didn’t want to kill anyone back in nineteen-forty-whatever, and the fact that HYDRA made you shoot a Russian man to break you—

BARNES: Forgot I told you about that.

RAYNOR: You didn’t want to. Not him, or any of the others. And now… you’ve gotta hurt people again. In order to stop hurting them.

BARNES: I… don’t know if what I’m doing is helping. Them or me.

RAYNOR: [Pause] Is Sam with you?

BARNES: Yeah.

RAYNOR: And how’s that going?

BARNES: He’s… it’s good, mostly. To have him here.

RAYNOR: Good. Sounds like you could use a friend on that trip.

BARNES: [Sighs] Yeah, yeah, I know.

RAYNOR: What?

BARNES: I can hear the “I told you so”.

RAYNOR: [Snorts] So what made you decide to call me?

BARNES: Some things have — I can’t — I don’t know, this was a bad idea—

RAYNOR: James — Bucky. Shut up and talk.

BARNES: That doesn’t even make sense.

RAYNOR: Talk. You can barely finish a sentence, you’re so keyed up. I can hear it. Just freakin’ talk to me for once, all right?

BARNES: If this is a bad time—

RAYNOR: Nothing I can’t reschedule.

BARNES: I can call back—

RAYNOR: Listen to me. This. Is. Fine. Now tell me. Why are you calling?

BARNES: [Sighs] Sam’s making me.

RAYNOR: And why is Sam making you?

BARNES: This is stupid, it’s nothing, I shouldn’t have—

RAYNOR: Let me guess, you can’t sleep?

BARNES: [Pause] What?

RAYNOR: I can put two and two together, Barnes. You’re on the road with Sam, you’re doing some very hard emotional work, Sam’s worried about you enough to make you call your estranged therapist, you have chronic sleep issues and PTSD out the wazoo — it’s not that hard to figure out. You’re probably sharing a hotel room, right? So, what — you’re sleeping on the floor like at home and it’s weirding him out? You’re waking up with nightmares? Not sleeping at all? Or — oh, bet I’ve got it — did he try to wake you up? [Pause] He get hurt?

BARNES: [Pause] You spying on us?

RAYNOR: Very funny. So? Did you hurt him?

BARNES: No. But it was close. It was so close.

RAYNOR: And how does that make you feel?

BARNES: Really? That line was a cliche in my time.

RAYNOR: I’m not being a lazy therapist, I am asking you—

BARNES: You already know how it makes me feel.

RAYNOR: Maybe I do. Maybe I don’t. So is this new, waking up and lashing out?

BARNES: Sleep’s always been an issue.

RAYNOR: For God’s sake, I’m well aware of that. But has it become more of a problem recently? Is this new?

[Silence — six seconds.]

BARNES: I’m not… used to people being around. When I wake up. So.

RAYNOR: So he startled you.

BARNES: Yeah.

RAYNOR: Did he wake you on purpose? Were you having nightmares again?

BARNES: Like they stop.

RAYNOR: So he saw you were in distress and tried to wake you up, and that didn’t go well. Correct?

BARNES: Yeah.

RAYNOR: And you took a swing at him?

BARNES: Went for his throat. With the arm. He’s fine, but… Jesus, Doc, I could have… if he hadn’t been able to…

RAYNOR: [Pause] You know, it would be a lot easier and quicker if you’d just tell me what happened instead of making me piece it together like this. I’m a psychiatrist, not a goddamn detective.

BARNES: Yeah, I know. I just…

[Silence — six seconds.]

RAYNOR: I know this is hard to talk about.

BARNES: Yeah.

RAYNOR: But you can talk to me.

BARNES: [Sighs]

[Silence — seven seconds.]

RAYNOR: So, let’s talk about these nightmares. Are they memories, like flashbacks? Or are they things you imagine happening, things that aren’t real?

BARNES: Both. Either.

RAYNOR: [Pause] What aren’t you telling me?

BARNES: Why do you assume I’m not telling you something?

RAYNOR: Because, A: I know your tone of voice, and B: you’re always not telling me something.

BARNES: Ouch. Wow.

RAYNOR: I just calls ‘em like I sees ‘em, Barnes. So?

[Silence — five seconds.]

BARNES: This stuff is getting to me.

RAYNOR: Which part?

BARNES: The… amending. Talking to strangers about the horrible shit I’ve done to them and their families. This whole… I can’t stop thinking about the things I did. And what they did to me. And I feel like shit, constantly, I can’t — and when I sleep, it just gets…

[Silence — five seconds.]

BARNES: [Quietly] I don’t think I can finish this.

RAYNOR: Are you calling me because you want me to say, “Yes you can,” and pat your head?

BARNES: Of course I’m fucking not.

RAYNOR: Good. Because I can listen, but Sam’s a much better cheerleader.

BARNES: Yeah, he looks real cute with pom-poms. I get it, okay? I’m not asking you to coddle me. As though you ever have.

RAYNOR: Then what do you need?

BARNES: You really gonna make me say it?

RAYNOR: Yes.

BARNES: I need… I need someone to listen for a bit. Let me spill my guts. And not judge. And maybe some… tough love, if I’m being stupid.

RAYNOR: Good. That, I can do.

BARNES: [Quietly] Thanks.

RAYNOR: You didn’t think I was going to turn you away, did you?

BARNES: I kinda wasn’t sure, after the way we left things.

RAYNOR: You mean, after you told me to get out of your house and then stopped coming to therapy.

BARNES: I… wasn’t exactly in a great place—

RAYNOR: You were in a terrible place. And I’m not just talking about your miserable hellhole of an apartment, which we are definitely going to talk about. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry. I hope you understand that I—

BARNES: I get it. I do. It’s… we’re good, okay?

RAYNOR: I’m curious. Why didn’t you just go find a new therapist?

BARNES: It’s… well, in the beginning, I don’t think we clicked right away. And we’ve had some…

RAYNOR: Some bumpy moments.

BARNES: Yeah. We’ve both made mistakes with each other. Maybe that’s why. History. You know me, fuck-ups and all. And you don’t take any bullshit. You make me work. Which is seriously fucking annoying sometimes, but sometimes the annoying is… kind of good, afterwards. And even though therapy makes me so — so tired, I think it’s… actually kind of helping. Guess I didn’t want to just throw all that away.

RAYNOR: You’ve come a long way in the last few months.

BARNES: Doesn’t always feel like it.

RAYNOR: Growth can be slow. Slow can be hard to notice. Doesn’t mean it’s not happening.

BARNES: Thanks. And Doc, look… I understand. I get it. You had a job to do. You were doing it.

RAYNOR: Doesn’t mean it didn’t feel like shit. I don’t really want to ask this, but… have you noticed any fallout from that?

BARNES: Pretty sure they went back to tailing me everywhere. Fortunately, they hire amateurs.

RAYNOR: Shit. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make your life harder, but—

BARNES: I get it. It’s okay. If there’s a chance I could hurt someone, then it’s probably for the… well, I get it. [Quietly] Probably owe you an apology myself before I have any right to ask you for favors like this.

RAYNOR: You wanna call it even?

BARNES: No. I — you know what, if I’ve learned anything from doing this with you — it’s better to talk about stuff. Better than sweeping it under the rug, trying to pretend it doesn’t exist.

RAYNOR: Well, I’ll take that as a compliment. [Pause] Last time I saw you, you weren’t exactly in great shape. How’ve you been recovering after your dissociative episode? Has it happened again?

BARNES: Not like that. Not that bad. Some bad days, but.

RAYNOR: Okay, so what are bad days looking like right now?

BARNES: Sometimes I get bitchy with Sam. Feels like shit, he never deserves it. Sometimes I kind of get… stuck in my head. Freaks Sam out.

RAYNOR: Why does it freak him out, do you think?

BARNES: I don’t know. Maybe it reminds him of the other, even less charming version of me.

RAYNOR: Or maybe he’s just concerned about his friend. You ever consider that?

BARNES: Or, maybe he decided to take on a — a goddamn wreck of a person as a fixer-upper pet project, and he’s starting to realize that partnering with me is even dumber than the time his idiot ass decided to run away and be international fugitives with Captain America.

RAYNOR: Interesting. You think Sam thinks of you like that? Like he needs to fix you?

BARNES: I don’t know.

RAYNOR: That’s cheap.

BARNES: What?

RAYNOR: That’s a cheap answer. “I don’t know.” Come on, Barnes, put a little work in.

BARNES: Jesus, wow. Okay.

RAYNOR: You don’t get to call me up out of the blue and half-ass this.

BARNES: I’m not half-assing anything!

RAYNOR: Prove it. Tell me what you think Sam thinks of you.

BARNES: I — I don’t know! I’m not a goddamn mind-reader. [Pause] I think he probably thinks I’m a mess. Which is fair. And he probably… feels bad for me.

RAYNOR: He feels bad for you? That’s why he’s following you halfway around the world on the lousiest roadtrip in history?

BARNES: I don’t know!

RAYNOR: What do you think Sam gets out of your friendship?

BARNES: I’m… I can be useful.

RAYNOR: “I can be useful”?

BARNES: I’m strong. Fast. All that stuff.

RAYNOR: So you think he’s using you for your ability to kick down a door or whatever? Seriously?

BARNES: No, not like that, I — I don’t know.

RAYNOR: Okay, do we need to work on your self-esteem? Because it kind of sounds like we need to work on your self-esteem.

BARNES: I will hang up this phone.

RAYNOR: I’m serious. You think very little of yourself. That’s a problem.

BARNES: It’s fine. I’m fine.

RAYNOR: Nope. I have a rule now. Gonna get a plaque made. The word “fine” is not permitted in my office.

BARNES: We’re not in your office—

RAYNOR: Do you or do you not seriously think that Sam Wilson is supporting you on this trip, inviting you to stay with his family, and generally being your friend because helping to rehabilitate you means he gets to feel good about himself?

BARNES: Jesus, no, he’s not like that!

RAYNOR: Well, there you have it.

[Silence — four seconds.]

BARNES: You’re twisting my words.

RAYNOR: I guess it’s something for you to think about, isn’t it?

BARNES: [Scoffs]

RAYNOR: Let’s talk sleep. How many hours a night are you getting?

BARNES: I don’t know, enough?

RAYNOR: What would Sam say if I asked him?

BARNES: You’re not going to ask him.

RAYNOR: Ooh, defensive. Two hours? Three?

BARNES: [Pause] Three, most nights.

RAYNOR: Your medical files recommend at least five hours. Serum or no, you can’t live on three hours a night, Bucky.

BARNES: It is what it is.

RAYNOR: Are you willing to talk about this, or are you just gonna mutter about how you’re fine and try to change the subject?

BARNES: Jesus, take it easy. I’m the one who called you, aren’t I?

RAYNOR: Yes, you are. So let’s talk. Do you wake up in the night, or is falling asleep more of a problem?

BARNES: Falling asleep isn’t bad.

RAYNOR: Do you wind down before bed?

BARNES: I read. Getting to sleep isn’t so hard. But then… you know. And once I’m up, I’m pretty much up for the day.

RAYNOR: You have trouble falling back asleep once you wake up after a bad dream?

BARNES: [Pause] Kind of.

RAYNOR: I’m sensing a “but”.

BARNES: Half the time when I wake up, I just…

RAYNOR: Yeah?

BARNES: It’s not great. [Clears throat] Waking up.

RAYNOR: How so? [Pause] Barnes, come on. You’re right there. Don’t back off now.

BARNES: You’re gonna think I’m…

RAYNOR: Think you’re what?

BARNES: I don’t know. Crazy. Crazier.

RAYNOR: We don’t call people crazy in my practice.

BARNES: Even if they are?

RAYNOR: Barnes. Sweet Jesus. Just tell me what’s going on and stop assuming I’m going to put you in a straitjacket or something. [Pause] Wait, they never put you in a straitjacket, did they?

BARNES: No, actually.

RAYNOR: Whew. Thought I’d put my foot in my mouth there.

BARNES: Funny, you’re real funny.

RAYNOR: I get that a lot. [Pause] So. Tell me what happens when you wake up.

BARNES: Waking up is bad. Not just because I’m waking up from dreams about… all of that. It’s just, sometimes I wake up and I… it takes me a minute to put things together. How long it’s been, where I am, that kind of thing.

RAYNOR: You feel disoriented?

BARNES: I know it’s over. It’s been over for years. In my mind, logically, consciously, I know I’m… not with them anymore. But seems like the rest of me didn’t get that memo. Like my body still thinks it’s going to — I don’t know — ‘cause sometimes they’d wake me up and it had only been a month or two, sometimes—

RAYNOR: Years?

BARNES: Yeah.

RAYNOR: Shit.

BARNES: After the Blip, after the fighting, when I found out we’d been gone for five goddamn years — that was bad.

RAYNOR: [Sighs] Talk about revictimization. For all of us. [Pause] So you wake up disoriented.

BARNES: I wake up fucked. On the really bad days, I wake up and start talking in a different language before I realize, you know, where, when I am. Sam’s started — [laughs] — he’s started doing Russian on Duolingo.

RAYNOR: See? He cares about you.

BARNES: Don’t know why, but yeah. Seems like it.

RAYNOR: You know, waking up and being afraid or disoriented is pretty common even with normal forms of PTSD, never mind your… superpowered PTSD—

BARNES: Superpowered PTSD?

RAYNOR: —as is waking up swinging at people you care about. People you’d never hurt on purpose.

BARNES: [Sighs] Maybe.

RAYNOR: Now, hear me out before you say no — I’ve offered you a prescription for a sleep aid before. We could experiment with dosage, check your old medical files, see if we can find something that’ll overcome the serum—

BARNES: No. No medication.

RAYNOR: I’d make sure it would be a very, very gentle medication. Just something to help you stay calm and relaxed so you can stay asleep, not something that would forcibly knock you out or anything—

BARNES: I need to be able to wake up.

RAYNOR: I get that, but not sleeping — that’s what’s really going to mess you up.

BARNES: Doc. I don’t know how many more times I can say this. I don’t want drugs. They don’t work on me. Those drugs you gave me before — they were supposed to make me feel better, right? They made me feel awful. Just the… just taking them. It was so bad. Okay? I can’t. I can’t take medication. So stop.

MAJ. SAMUEL WILSON: [Faintly] Buck? You good?

BARNES: I’m fine, Sam, I’m on the phone.

RAYNOR: So — taking medication was triggering for you?

BARNES: I don’t know. Yes? I — I thought I made that clear.

RAYNOR: Oh. [Pause] I don’t know what to say.

BARNES: It’s fine. Leave it alone. Just — don’t make me take anything and we’re good.

RAYNOR: The medications HYDRA had you on — this wouldn’t be anything like them. You know that.

BARNES: Good luck getting your hands on the shit they were giving me anyway. I’m pretty sure you can’t legally prescribe most of it anyway.

RAYNOR: It wouldn’t be ethical even if it were legal. I saw your files. The list of pharmaceuticals was…

BARNES: They were trying to make me into a tank on all that stuff. Worked, too. I could take half a dozen bullets and keep walking.

RAYNOR: Hold on, let’s unpack that.

BARNES: Great. My favourite phrase.

RAYNOR: Oh, shush. Listen. You know I’m concerned about your chronic pain.

BARNES: I know, I know—

RAYNOR: I said listen. Between the drugs and the other things they did, you spent a long time being trained not to stop, no matter what. And now your body is dealing with the aftereffects of all that abuse — taking bullets, electroshock therapy, everything else — but so is your mind. So where does that leave you now?

BARNES: I have no idea what you’re asking.

RAYNOR: Okay, fine. I’ll be straightforward. When you’re in pain, and you keep on soldiering through it — no pun intended — is it just because of what you told me before, about how you can’t stop or else you’ll… start paying attention to it and have to deal with it? Or are we really talking about an old behavioral pattern left over from your conditioning?

BARNES: It’s not the same. Nothing like that. But.

RAYNOR: But?

BARNES: Maybe both. I don’t know. Sometimes it’s kinda hard to know my limits, you know? I get tired, I get hurt, and I feel it, but sometimes I don’t know when to stop.

RAYNOR: And my question is, do you think that relates to the way you deal, or don’t deal, with your chronic pain?

BARNES: Maybe. Like I said, we both know there’s parts of them I’m never getting out of me. Guess that’s one of them.

RAYNOR: You ever talk to Sam about this?

BARNES: Uh, a little.

RAYNOR: And how does he feel about all this?

BARNES: He’s… not real happy about it. Because sometimes, like I said, I get messed up and I don’t know when to slow down. Start thinking things are normal that I guess aren’t.

RAYNOR: What kinds of things?

BARNES: [Sighs] Okay, so — don’t freak out — I got a little banged up last week.

RAYNOR: “Banged up”? So, to translate, you were what, in a coma on life support?

BARNES: It was just a little scuffle in Kuwait. We were out there trying to find someone, amends stuff, but ran across this illegal weapons ring, because I guess this is our goddamn life now. So, we fight. I take some hits, get knocked down, get back up, keep fighting. But a minute later, Sam starts screaming at me. Turns out my collarbone was broken. Like, sticking out.

RAYNOR: Jesus!

BARNES: I mean, it hurt like hell. But — it was like my brain took notice of it and said, “Yeah, that’s broken, but that’s for later.”

RAYNOR: Like going into shock? I once broke an ankle in a car accident, didn’t even notice for half an hour.

BARNES: Sort of. I did that too, broke my wrist ice-skating with Steve and my sisters when I was twelve. Didn’t even hurt until I got home, and then… [laughs] I was such a baby about it. [Pause] But no. This is more like falling back on old… habits.

RAYNOR: Okay, and why do you think that’s significant?

BARNES: Because I can’t get this stuff out of me. Not all of it. Even now, years later. That, back there in Kuwait? That was one hundred percent Winter Soldier.

RAYNOR: You’ve said before that it’s not like the Soldier was a separate part of you. Right?

BARNES: I — yeah. It was me. But I didn’t, I couldn’t—

RAYNOR: I know. You don’t need to explain.

BARNES: The Soldier was me. Like… kind of like a computer. Let’s say you download new software, but it’s running on the same hardware and operating system. Which, in this… kind of dumb metaphor, is me. Does that make sense? And when I woke up and shut that program down, I thought it stopped, but — I guess — I think the Soldier was still running in the background. Like — like all of it’s still in the back of my mind. Instincts and reflexes and things I know. Sometimes I’m afraid of things and I don’t understand why. And I can tell that those parts aren’t me. But… they are.

[Silence — five seconds.]

RAYNOR: So — and I can’t believe I’m about to say this — at what point do you take Zemo’s advice?

BARNES: [Pause] What?

RAYNOR: At what point do you stop fighting this leftover thing that’s inside you and learn to live with it?

BARNES: Never. I will never—

RAYNOR: Calm down. Think. At some point you have to stop hating yourself, these bits of you that are still stuck in that programmed way of thinking. And you need to start working with them instead of trying to make them stop existing. Or pretending that they don’t affect you.

BARNES: No.

RAYNOR: Yes. You just said it yourself. There are parts of the Winter Soldier still in you. Maybe for good. So why don’t we accept that? What if we stop panicking and stop fighting those pieces of you, and acknowledge that they are there probably for good? What could that look like?

BARNES: Gee, I don’t know, maybe I lose my fucking mind and start killing people! This isn’t exactly a low-stakes situation, Doc!

RAYNOR: You have to meet yourself where you are at. Do you understand? This is key, James.

BARNES: [Sighs] So — assuming I am okay with this idea, which, fuck, I don’t know — what does that look like?

RAYNOR: For starters — talk to people. Talk to Sam, tell him what you need. Like, “Hey, sometimes I don’t know my own limits, or I forget that I get hungry or need to sleep or whatever, can you keep an eye on me?”

BARNES: I hate this.

RAYNOR: I know you do.

BARNES: They put those things in me. Those behaviors, those patterns. That’s not me. The — the thought of not trying to push back against it is…

RAYNOR: Disturbing? Violating, even?

BARNES: You know what they did to me.

RAYNOR: I won’t pretend to imagine that I know all of it.

BARNES: Every time some sick part of me starts hoping like hell someone will just tell me what to do so I can comply, or doesn’t let me sleep because I can still function, or whatever — Jesus Christ, you can’t possibly be telling me to listen to that.

RAYNOR: No, I didn’t say listen to it. I said work with it instead of fighting it.

BARNES: I can’t. I can’t even deal with this. This is insane.

RAYNOR: Okay, easy. Let’s just take a minute.

BARNES: I can’t. I’m not. I’m not gonna. Oh, Jesus.

RAYNOR: James. Bucky. Deep breaths.

BARNES: I’m okay. I’m okay.

RAYNOR: You’re doing great.

BARNES: I’m okay. [Pause] I’m okay.

RAYNOR: Are you actually okay?

BARNES: [Clearing throat] Yeah.

RAYNOR: Do you want to take a minute?

[Silence — seven seconds.]

RAYNOR: Why don’t you tell me about where you are right now. What’s around you?

BARNES: Uh, I’m on the balcony at our hotel. Can see part of the city, lots of white stone. Pretty. There’s a big mosque down the street. Some kids playing in the hotel parking lot. Sky’s blue.

RAYNOR: Sounds beautiful.

BARNES: Yeah, yeah, it is.

RAYNOR: What else?

BARNES: [Quietly] I wanna go home.

RAYNOR: You can stop this amends trip and come back to New York anytime, you know.

BARNES: Not what I meant.

RAYNOR: [Sighs] Yeah, I was afraid of that. So, in that case, where’s home?

BARNES: ‘Bout ninety years ago.

RAYNOR: And what are you going to do about that?

[Silence — seven seconds.]

RAYNOR: J—Bucky?

BARNES: I’m here.

RAYNOR: You can’t go back in time. I know you miss that place, those people, but they’re gone. And grieving is good, grieving is healthy, but just — don’t let yourself get lost in it. The past is a foreign country, right? It’s time to build something good for yourself here, now, instead of just wishing things were different.

BARNES: [Laughs]

RAYNOR: What?

BARNES: Ah, nothing. I just wish you’d met Steve before he retired.

RAYNOR: I wish I had too.

[Silence — six seconds.]

RAYNOR: So. Are we gonna talk about the miserable hell-hole you call an apartment?

BARNES: What? What about it?

RAYNOR: How about why you don’t have any furniture?

BARNES: I don’t need furniture.

RAYNOR: You don’t want to make your space more comfortable? Wouldn’t take much. A couch, some bookshelves, maybe a fish tank—

BARNES: I don’t need a fish tank.

RAYNOR: Because that would make it too much like home, right?

BARNES: The hell’s that supposed to mean?

RAYNOR: You aren’t fooling anyone, James.

BARNES: I’m not trying to fool anyone—

RAYNOR: Then tell me, in your words, why you live in an empty apartment.

BARNES: I… hate cleaning.

RAYNOR: Very funny.

BARNES: It’s true. I’m incredibly lazy. Ask Sam.

RAYNOR: James. A little less glib, please.

BARNES: Sorry, Sister Raynor.

RAYNOR: I am choosing to ignore that. James. Look. You’re living like you’re ready to bolt at a moment’s notice. Are you really that afraid?

BARNES: Well, you’re the one who keeps telling me I don’t have anything to be afraid of.

RAYNOR: When did I say that?

BARNES: I told you about HYDRA.

RAYNOR: Yes, and—

BARNES: I told you how they want me back. They’re not gonna stop. It’s a matter of when, not if.

RAYNOR: And I told you that—

BARNES: That I’m paranoid. I know.

RAYNOR: So that’s why you live like that? You’re afraid?

BARNES: It’s better not to… you know, put roots down. Not when I might have to… [Sighs] If you were in my shoes, you’d do the same.

RAYNOR: So you are making a conscious choice to be uncomfortable, because it’s, what, more comfortable?

BARNES: I — basically, yes.

RAYNOR: So the moral of the story is that you’re just doomed?

BARNES: The moral of the story is that it happens again and again. They come. They take me. They do things to me. They use me. Innocent people get hurt. And there’s no way to get away from HYDRA for good, no one gets out, you just die working for them or you die trying to leave, ‘cause they’re connected, they’re rich, they’re powerful, they’re everywhere. So, yeah. It’s gonna happen again. In my dreams for now. Someday, probably in real life too.

RAYNOR: [Pause] Is that the only narrative we can find here?

BARNES: What’s that supposed to mean?

RAYNOR: That story you’re telling yourself, that they’re always going to come for you — does that have to be the only version of events you hold in your mind?

BARNES: Doc.

RAYNOR: Keep your shirt on, I’m trying to explain. Look — think about it another way. If you were telling the story of James Bucky Barnes to a child, what would you say? That the — the noble knight, let’s say, who was captured by an evil monster who stole his mind and forced him to do bad things — would you tell the child that the knight was twisted permanently into something dark and terrible? That he could never escape the monster? Or would you find a different ending, something else to focus on? Something kinder, maybe even something happy?

BARNES: I don’t understand.

RAYNOR: There are other parts of your story that you’re ignoring, Bucky.

BARNES: Like?

RAYNOR: Like — how even in the darkest, worst, scariest moments of your life, eventually someone always came to save you. Maybe that’s the moral of your story. The knight’s friends loved him so much that they found him and saved him, even when no one even knew he was alive. Whatever happened, someone came for him. Or maybe the moral is that no matter what HYDRA did to you, you always came back to yourself. The knight found his mind again, and fought back against the monster, and became a hero.

BARNES: I’m no knight. Definitely no hero.

RAYNOR: But you are a fighter. And a survivor. And those parts — Bucky, those parts of your story are much, much greater than anything HYDRA ever accomplished.

BARNES: You almost sound like you…

RAYNOR: What, admire you? I do.

BARNES: Jesus, Doc. You can’t just say things like that.

RAYNOR: Oh, bite me.

BARNES: [Quietly] Thank you.

RAYNOR: You’re welcome.

BARNES: If this is a story, Sam’s definitely the hero.

RAYNOR: I’m not so sure about that.

BARNES: Trust me, I know fantasy stories. Guys like me… well, you want a knight, it’s Sam. [Laughs] Should start calling him Samwise the Brave, that’d really piss him off.

RAYNOR: Isn’t that from Lord of the Rings?

BARNES: You like Tolkien?

RAYNOR: Never read the books, but I liked the movies.

BARNES: Ugh. Sam keeps threatening me with them.

RAYNOR: Oh, give them a chance. I know it’s a crazy idea, but you might actually enjoy yourself.

BARNES: [Laughs] Maybe.

RAYNOR: So if Sam is Samwise, does that make you Frodo? Or are you the Samwise to his Frodo?

BARNES: I mean, if we’re looking at this narratively, there’s no question. I’m Gollum.

RAYNOR: Okay, no.

BARNES: I mean, think about it—

RAYNOR: James, you are not Gollum—

BARNES: —I mean, he’s got these two different personalities and the evil one gets triggered by the One Ring, so if we’re looking at the Ring’s control over him like the trigger words, and Mordor is HYDRA, then... yeah.

[Silence — six seconds.]

RAYNOR: That’s actually sad as hell. That is the saddest thing I have ever heard. On so, so many levels.

BARNES: What? What’s wrong with that?

RAYNOR: James, seriously — not to harp on the self-esteem thing again, but do you really think so little of yourself?

BARNES: Well, narratively it fits, right?

RAYNOR: Gollum doesn’t exactly get redeemed at the end.

BARNES: I’m just saying, there’s a parallel. That’s what fiction does, right? Good sci-fi and fantasy — it’s a mirror, right, it shows us ourselves, or enough pieces of ourselves, that we can… are you laughing?

RAYNOR: You have some very strong feelings about literature.

BARNES: So?

RAYNOR: So, it’s just nice to see you letting yourself be human.

BARNES: I like reading, okay?

RAYNOR: You’re just full of surprises.

BARNES: What, I don’t look like a guy who reads? I feel like I should be offended.

RAYNOR: [Laughs]

BARNES: Is this even therapy right now?

RAYNOR: Sometimes therapy is just having a person to talk to.

BARNES: I guess.

RAYNOR: You haven’t had much of that. People to talk to.

BARNES: A bit in Wakanda. Steve visited a lot. We talked. But it was… harder. Than I’d thought.

RAYNOR: Why was it hard to talk to Steve?

BARNES: When he managed to track me down, I’d been running for a long time. Wasn’t really used to being around people anymore. Wasn’t exactly good company.

RAYNOR: Do you still find it difficult to talk to people?

BARNES: It’s gotten better. These days I mostly talk to Sam, and Sam is… easy.

RAYNOR: How so?

BARNES: He doesn’t expect things. He’s easy to be around. He doesn’t… [sighs]. He doesn’t expect me to be anyone else, you know?

RAYNOR: Not really.

BARNES: With Steve — I think he wanted me to be… like the old me.

RAYNOR: To be his Bucky.

BARNES: Exactly.

RAYNOR: And you found that expectation difficult.

BARNES: I’m never going to be that person again. That’s not self-pity, it’s just true. Some days I barely remember being that guy. On the really fun days it feels like I don’t even know how to be a person. I don’t know what I… it’s hard, trying to figure it out. Trying to figure out who I am now.

RAYNOR: You know, you can choose who you want to be.

BARNES: You think I can choose? No. Other people do the choosing. That’s how this goes. They tell me what to do, and I…

RAYNOR: James, you do not have to be anyone you’re not.

BARNES: I know. On some level. But it’s hard to swallow that. And like I said, Sam’s really good about… managing his expectations. He never knew me before, so I don’t have to pretend.

RAYNOR: But?

BARNES: But nothing.

RAYNOR: James. I know that tone.

BARNES: It’s just, I feel like shit. ‘Cause I’m — I guess I’m kinda sore at Steve, about all of that. And I never told him that I was. Back in Wakanda, he didn’t want me to pretend, he didn’t ask for that, he just wanted his buddy back. Can’t resent him for it. It’s not fair.

RAYNOR: Just because he didn’t outright ask you to pretend to be some other version of yourself — that doesn’t mean he didn’t pressure you.

BARNES: [Pause] He used to get disappointed. When I couldn’t remember stuff. Or did things… wrong. Never got angry with me, just sad, but he wasn’t exactly good at hiding it. So… guess I started doing the hiding instead.

RAYNOR: That wasn’t fair of him. He may have been Captain America, but as you’ve made very clear, he was a human being first. And Steve Rogers was a very good man, no doubt about that, but — no one is without flaws, James.

BARNES: I just miss him. I think I’m never gonna stop missing him.

RAYNOR: It’s okay to feel that way.

BARNES: Sure doesn’t fucking feel okay.

RAYNOR: No, I guess it doesn’t.

BARNES: I don’t know. Let’s talk about something else.

RAYNOR: Well, I did have some more questions about your sleep issues. Have you found anything that helps?

BARNES: [Sighs] I guess it wasn’t so bad at, uh. Sarah’s place.

RAYNOR: That’s Sam’s sister, right?

BARNES: Yeah.

RAYNOR: So when you stayed over with the Wilsons in Louisiana, you slept okay.

BARNES: Yes.

RAYNOR: Okay. And why do you think that was?

BARNES: Aw, come on, Doc—

RAYNOR: J—Bucky, you have called me on my day off, and I am going out of my way to help you, all right? Don’t “come on” me. I am here to facilitate your progress. I can’t do the work for you.

BARNES: I know!

RAYNOR: Then answer the question.

BARNES: Why do I sleep okay at the Wilsons’ place? I — honestly don’t know.

RAYNOR: Then think about it.

BARNES: It’s… calm. There are kids around. It’s nice. Someone’s always making coffee or fixing the porch or something.

RAYNOR: So you like having people around.

BARNES: Guess so. The right people.

RAYNOR: And why is that?

BARNES: [Quietly] Feels like home.

[Silence — six seconds.]

RAYNOR: How do you feel right now?

BARNES: Like an idiot.

RAYNOR: Because you were emotionally honest with yourself for once?

BARNES: Doc—

RAYNOR: You’re embarrassed. Because big tough assassins don’t have feelings.

BARNES: It’s not like that.

RAYNOR: Mm, isn’t it?

BARNES: [Quietly] I’m not an assassin.

RAYNOR: Not anymore. And you’re also not in nineteen-forty-whatever anymore. Men are allowed to have feelings. Men are allowed to say, “I love you,” or, “I’m feeling sad and I would like a hug.” Or, “My best friend’s place feels like home to me.”

[Silence — six seconds.]

RAYNOR: I can hear you blushing.

BARNES: Aw, shut up.

RAYNOR: I missed you too, James. Bucky.

BARNES: It’s fine, you can call me James.

RAYNOR: No, no — look, about the name thing—

BARNES: Nah, it’s on me. It was dumb. Should have just said something. But really. You have permission.

RAYNOR: Thank you. That’s… very sweet. Who else has permission to call you James?

BARNES: The Wakandans do, permission or not. They’re formal like that. [Pause] Zemo does, too.

RAYNOR: Zemo calls you James?

BARNES: Yeah.

RAYNOR: But you don’t interact with him anymore. Right?

BARNES: Not recently.

RAYNOR: James. Why do you have a tone.

BARNES: [Sighs] I don’t know if it’s going to go anywhere, but Sam has this… idea. Kind of a work-release thing.

RAYNOR: What? No. No, No, no, nope. Absolutely not.

BARNES: Hear me out, okay, just—

RAYNOR: That man gets under your skin like a goddamn tick, Barnes! You cannot seriously be—

BARNES: It’s — just hear me out, okay? The Wakandans, and Sam, they’re thinking — Zemo’s smart, okay? He’s dangerous in a lot of ways, yes, obviously. But they’re starting to think, hey, maybe we can use that. Maybe we can give him something better to do than rotting away in a prison for the rest of his life. Maybe he can use his intelligence and skills to make amends for some of the harm he’s caused.

RAYNOR: Like you are.

BARNES: [Sighs] The similarity isn’t lost on me, yeah.

RAYNOR: And how much of that do you believe? About him making amends?

BARNES: Well, I mean, I don’t trust Zemo as far as I can throw him.

RAYNOR: You’re enhanced. You can throw pretty far.

BARNES: Fair, but — after what he did to me in Madripoor, after everything, do I want him at my back? Hell no. But I do think he deserves better than the Raft. He’s had a lot taken from him. He’s got nothing left, nothing, and it’s changed him. And I… I get that part, too.

RAYNOR: Would you be involved in this, this work-release thing?

BARNES: Maybe.

RAYNOR: For the record, I am so extremely not okay with this.

BARNES: Duly noted.

RAYNOR: [Snorts] Right.

BARNES: Wouldn’t say no to using his private jet, either. Just saying.

RAYNOR: Probably beats flying economy.

BARNES: Come on, I sprang for first class. Flying’s not exactly comfortable for guys our size.

RAYNOR: Well, well. You bankrolling this trip?

BARNES: Course. Sam’s doing me a solid by coming with me. I’m not gonna let him pay for anything. [Pause] Besides, Sam’s family — they’ve got a lot of things that make them rich, if you ask me, but endless money isn’t one of them. And I got money I’m not using. A few decades of backpay and pension and all kinds of payouts for what happened to me. Guess the government figured I wouldn’t try to blame them for hiring Nazis long as they padded my bank account.

RAYNOR: Did it work?

BARNES: Of course not, fuck them.

RAYNOR: [Laughs]

BARNES: Sam’s family has this boat — might have told you about it before — but it’s really special to them. And they were going to sell it because they couldn’t get the money together to fix it. When Sam told me about it, he just seemed so… [Pause] Can you keep a secret?

RAYNOR: Patient confidentiality. My lips are sealed.

BARNES: Well, I was gonna buy it, fix it up, and give it back to them. Only I couldn’t think of a way to do it that wouldn’t make me seem like an asshole. Good thing I didn’t need to in the end.

[Silence — five seconds.]

BARNES: Doc?

RAYNOR: I’m here. Just smiling.

BARNES: After all of this, he, uh, wants me to come down there for a couple days.

RAYNOR: He that concerned about you?

BARNES: No, no, not like that. There’s a party, like a block party or something. Some kind of big Southern thing they do. Wants me to show.

RAYNOR: That sounds nice.

BARNES: Yeah. Yeah, I don’t love being around people, but… the people in Delacroix are something else. [Pause] So I guess I should let you go, but, uh. Thank you. Really. For all of this.

RAYNOR: You’re welcome, James. Wanna do this again sometime?

BARNES: You free next week? Maybe Thursday again?

RAYNOR: Text me once you know what time zone you’ll be in.

BARNES: Okay. Yeah.

RAYNOR: Talk to you soon, James.

BARNES: See you, Doc.

End of transcript.

Chapter Text

Text thread
07/04/2024
Incoming number: (929) 746-0646 [cell phone registered to James B. Barnes]
Outgoing number: (212) 925-8945 [cell phone registered to Dr. Christina A. Raynor]

SGT. JAMES BARNES
OK if Sam sits in on our session today?
We’re in Taiwan with a monsoon outside. Can’t leave the hotel.

DR. CHRISTINA RAYNOR
sure if u are ok with that
For real a monsoon or just rainy?

BARNES
Monsoon.
[IMG4521]

RAYNOR
:O

BARNES
That’s the street below our balcony.
You see why Sam can’t exactly go anywhere.

RAYNOR
Wow July in Taiwan doesn’t mess around
Yes that is fine. I think that will be good for both of u
Is there anything you do NOT want me to bring up with Sam around
?

James Barnes is typing…

BARNES
No.

RAYNOR
Are you sure?

BARNES
It’s just Sam.
& he knows most of it already.
I think.

RAYNOR
Nothing at all??

BARNES
It’s Sam.

RAYNOR
Ok if ur sure
TTYS

Session 17
Conducted by Dr. Christina A. Raynor
Incoming number: (929) 746-0646 [cell phone registered to James B. Barnes]
Outgoing number: (212) 925-8945 [cell phone registered to Dr. Christina A. Raynor]
8:06 AM EDT 07/04/2024
Transcript of FaceTime call as follows:

DR. CHRISTINA RAYNOR: Hi, Sam. Can you hear me? [Pause] I think you’re on mute.

MAJ. SAMUEL WILSON: —hear me now? Cool. Hi, Dr. Raynor.

RAYNOR: Christina, please.

WILSON: Hey Buck, your thing is starting.

SGT. JAMES BARNES: [Offscreen] Tell her I’ll be right there.

WILSON: Bucky’s gonna be a minute, he’s fixing the window.

BARNES: [Offscreen] Motherfucker!

WILSON: Correction, he’s kind of failing at fixing the window.

BARNES: [Offscreen] Like to see you do better!

RAYNOR: Is this a bad time?

WILSON: No, he’s almost done. Did he tell you about the storm?

RAYNOR: Yeah, heard it’s pretty bad.

BARNES: [Offscreen] Could use a second pair of hands here!

WILSON: Oh, shit. Just a sec, Christina, I’m gonna put you on mute.

[Silence — one minute and forty-six seconds.]

BARNES: Hey, Doc. Sorry to keep you waiting.

RAYNOR: It’s fine. You boys doing okay?

WILSON: We’re…

BARNES: Damp. But the window’s fixed.

WILSON: And by some miracle the power hasn’t gone out yet, so… guess we’ll see what happens.

RAYNOR: Okay then. Well. Nice to have you join us again, Sam.

WILSON: Yeah, thanks for having me.

RAYNOR: So, James, how do you want to start today?

WILSON: Aw, I forgot she calls you James. Can I call you James too? Jim? How about Jimmy, that’s cute—

BARNES: There has been exactly one person in my life who’s ever been allowed to call me Jimmy, and he ain’t you.

WILSON: Steve?

BARNES: Not even.

WILSON: Your mom?

BARNES: Nope.

WILSON: [Pause] Is it Christina?

BARNES: I said he—

RAYNOR: Not to interrupt, but we are on the clock.

WILSON: Right, yeah.

RAYNOR: So, Sam. Glad to have you join us again.

WILSON: Yeah, thanks.

RAYNOR: Feels very patriotic, having Captain America join us on the Fourth of July.

WILSON: Oh, shit, I forgot.

BARNES: That’s it. Hand over the shield. You’re done.

WILSON: [Laughing] Get off, dude!

RAYNOR: Wow. Last time I saw you two for a session, you were at each other’s throats. This is quite the one-eighty.

WILSON: Yeah, guess so.

RAYNOR: Do I or do I not recall you two agreeing to go on long vacations and never see each other again? Seems like travelling the world together is, uh, kind of the opposite.

WILSON: Hey, I'm just here for the free hotel rooms. [Pause] They're usually nicer than this.

RAYNOR: So what exactly are you two doing in Taiwan?

BARNES: The usual.

WILSON: By which he means moping around our room and hogging the dryer.

RAYNOR: Wow. Domestic. Wanna tell me about your week?

BARNES: Not much to tell. We had a layover at Narita and Sam tried sashimi for the first time, and choked—

WILSON: Shut up, man—

BARNES: I mean, I’m from a time when we didn’t have yogurt, I don’t know what your excuse is.

WILSON: Buck—

BARNES: Seriously, you can chug down a snake heart in tequila just fine, but a little raw fish—

WILSON: I am never travelling with you again.

RAYNOR: Sounds like you two are staying busy.

BARNES: Not exactly. We only got here a couple of days ago, just ahead of the storm. And since then…

WILSON: Since then it’s mostly been this.

RAYNOR: Stuck in a drippy hotel room, bitching at each other and hoping the power doesn’t go out?

BARNES: That… pretty much sums it up, yeah.

RAYNOR: Quite the holiday. And the amends?

BARNES: I have an address. Some people I need to visit. We’ll be heading out to visit them as soon as the storm blows over. Lots still to do.

RAYNOR: And how are you feeling about that?

BARNES: About what?

RAYNOR: About the work you’re doing. The visits, the amends.

BARNES: Fine?

RAYNOR: You sound hesitant.

BARNES: It’s important. To do this.

RAYNOR: Mm. It’s also hard work.

BARNES: Needs to be done.

RAYNOR: Sam?

WILSON: [Sighs] Come on, Buck, the whole point of therapy is to let your guard down.

RAYNOR: Thank you. James?

BARNES: [Pause] It’s hard. Yeah.

RAYNOR: Okay. And how do you look after yourself after you’ve done something hard, especially when you’re away from home like this?

BARNES: Look after myself?

RAYNOR: Don’t play dumb. How do you calm down, unwind? How do you provide yourself with care?

[Silence — five seconds.]

WILSON: Bucky. Come on. You gotta talk.

BARNES: I don’t know.

WILSON: Is he always like this in therapy?

RAYNOR: You have no idea.

BARNES: Wow, mean.

RAYNOR: James, just name one thing you do when you're feeling anxious.

BARNES: I… call you?

RAYNOR: And that is great in an emergency, but not really what I’m asking about. What else?

BARNES: I go for a walk?

RAYNOR: That’s good. Does it make you feel better?

BARNES: It's distracting. I mean, I live in New York. So.

RAYNOR: Right, but you’re away from home right now. What else? What do you do to calm yourself?

BARNES: I read. Lot of good books came out while I was… yeah. [Pause] I talk to Sam.

RAYNOR: You debrief with him, or you actually talk to him?

BARNES: Talk.

RAYNOR: What kind of things do you talk about?

BARNES: I don’t know. His family. Steve, sometimes. Politics. Movies. Baseball. I don’t know. Just… normal stuff.

RAYNOR: Wow. A real conversation with someone who isn’t your therapist. That sounds healthy.

BARNES: Totally uncalled-for sarcasm aside, yeah. It’s… good.

WILSON: Yeah. It is.

RAYNOR: Do you two ever talk about anything heavy?

[Silence — five seconds.]

WILSON: Don’t look at me, man.

BARNES: Well — yeah, we do, but…

RAYNOR: But?

BARNES: It’s… complicated. Sam used to counsel veterans, right?

RAYNOR: So I’ve heard.

BARNES: He’s a professional—

WILSON: Used to be a professional—

BARNES: —and I don’t wanna, I don’t know…

RAYNOR: Take advantage?

BARNES: [Sighs]

WILSON: You’re not using me, Buck. If I can help, I want to. Doesn’t matter if we’re friends.

BARNES: You’re not my therapist. I don’t want to make you do that for me.

WILSON: I know my boundaries. You push them, you know I’ll say something.

BARNES: [Pause] You gonna tell her about the thing?

WILSON: You okay with that?

BARNES: We said we would, right?

WILSON: Well, do you want to, or?

BARNES: You.

WILSON: Okay. Yeah. So, Christina, Buck’s figured out that he’s got some issues with executive function—

BARNES: [Sighs] This is his new favourite subject—

WILSON: —which translates to him not looking after himself.

BARNES: Sam is exaggerating. We figured out that I’m bad at routines. That’s all.

WILSON: “Bad at routines”. Huh. You know, I actually hung out with another super soldier for a few years. You might know him. Big guy, all patriotic and blond and spangly?

BARNES: Okay, Sam—

WILSON: Steve ate like a horse. Especially after a fight when he needed to heal up. And you eat less than I do, and you don’t sleep half as much as he did, and you get all prickly whenever someone points it out — oh, look, there you go, yeah, there he goes, that’s hedgehog mode right there. Look at that grumpy face.

RAYNOR: [Snorts]

BARNES: Doc, are you laughing at your patient?

RAYNOR: [Clears throat] No.

BARNES: What Sam is trying to say is that we talked, and he thinks the whole HYDRA thing made me… bad at this whole… living thing.

RAYNOR: Okay, want to elaborate on that extremely articulate assessment?

[Silence — seven seconds.]

RAYNOR: James?

BARNES: [Sighs] This shit was hard enough when I was just talking to one person. It’s…

WILSON: You want me to step out into the hallway for a bit?

BARNES: No. It’s fine. Stay. Please.

RAYNOR: So, let’s start by exploring this idea of executive dysfunction — thank you for that term, Sam, that’s very helpful — because while brain damage can cause executive dysfunction, it’s become kind of a pop-psychology buzzword that gets thrown around a lot, and it actually covers a lot more than just not being “good at routines”. So I want to make sure that we’re talking about the right thing.

WILSON: Bucky finds it hard to stick to a schedule, to remember when to—

RAYNOR: Thank you, Sam, but I would like to hear from James right now.

BARNES: It’s… a lot of things. Some of it’s little stuff. Like, I space out a lot. Or I get very single-minded about one thing and ignore other things I need to do.

RAYNOR: Yep, that checks out.

BARNES: But some of it’s… worse.

RAYNOR: Worse how?

BARNES: We’ve talked about some of this before, Doc. About how sometimes it’s easier for me when someone… tells me what to do.

RAYNOR: Yes.

BARNES: I told Sam about that. And he… suggested that term.

RAYNOR: Interesting. I think what you’re experiencing could fall under a certain definition of executive dysfunction, yes. But I wouldn’t lean too heavily on that label. Labels can sometimes be very helpful and vindicating, I know. But it’s not always healthy to try to categorize your symptoms. Because nice neat categories like “anxiety symptoms” or “executive dysfunction symptoms” are based on what large numbers of other people have experienced, and some of the time, especially in unique cases like yours, very few people have experienced anything like what you’ve gone through -- so your symptoms just won’t be categorized neatly. And that can lead patients to feel frustrated, lost... you get it?

BARNES: I do. The term’s not important. It just helps describe the thing without calling it, I don’t know… “feeling like I can’t do anything without someone telling me what to do”.

RAYNOR: That’s fair. So. Where do you think that comes from?

BARNES: Can Sam tell you about this instead of me? He’s… a lot better at this.

RAYNOR: Nice try. No.

BARNES: [Sighs] Fine. I think the thing is, I got used to having other people run my life. Which sounds pathetic when I say it out loud. [Pause] They made it really hard to just… I don’t know. It’s mostly just stupid everyday shit.

RAYNOR: Okay, you seem to be kind of struggling with articulating this. Can you give me an example of something you struggle with, as part of this executive dysfunction?

BARNES: Making choices, mostly. Sometimes I’m fine. But sometimes it’s…

RAYNOR: Okay, well, that gives us somewhere to start. How do you feel when you’re faced with hard choices?

BARNES: It’s not the hard choices. It’s stuff that should be easy.

RAYNOR: And where do you find this happening?

BARNES: When I’m out. Running errands. Trying to have a life. And it’s always stupid shit. The stupidest, smallest things. Trying to decide where to park. Or what kind of coffee to order. What shoes to wear. That kind of thing.

RAYNOR: You didn’t answer my question about how it makes you feel.

BARNES: [Pause] Overwhelmed?

RAYNOR: Are you asking me or telling me?

BARNES: I just freeze. I get…

RAYNOR: You get scared.

BARNES: I know I’ve been, you know, deprogrammed, I know they can’t control me anymore, but… it’s like some part of me is still there. Gotta do everything right, gotta wait for my handler to tell me what to do, can’t pick the wrong thing, gotta follow the rules, or you’ll be…

RAYNOR: Or you’ll be what?

[Silence — six seconds.]

WILSON: You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.

BARNES: [Quietly] I just freeze up, is all.

RAYNOR: Why haven’t you brought this up earlier?

BARNES: It doesn’t get in the way that much. It’s not like the panic attacks or anything. It’s minor, it shouldn’t even matter, but Sam—

WILSON: But Sam saw you having a mini breakdown in line at a cafe and figured out that maybe something was up. You know that barista went on TikTok and talked about how weird we were?

BARNES: Thanks Sam, you’re really making me want to go out in public ever again.

RAYNOR: Guys. Focus. James, you say this doesn’t affect you much.

BARNES: I don’t want to talk about this.

RAYNOR: Welcome to therapy. Sometimes it hurts. But look — you’ve got Sam next to you, you’ve got me here. It’s all right. You can talk about these things.

WILSON: Whatever you need, man.

BARNES: I… don’t know how to explain this.

[Silence — five seconds.]

RAYNOR: Take your time.

[Silence — eleven seconds.]

BARNES: It’s like this. [Pause] When I was with HYDRA, my life just cycled through three phases. Cryo. Maintenance. Mission. Over and over again. And it was all handled by them. I didn’t ever make a choice for myself. Or — I did have to make choices, sometimes big ones, but only ever when I was on a mission and had to decide how to proceed. I was a weapon, but they made sure I was a smart weapon. You have to be flexible on a mission, creative, ‘cause you know what they say about what happens to plans once they come into contact with the enemy, right? So I guess I should say I never made a choice about myself. If that makes sense.

RAYNOR: Okay, and that treatment, that lack of choice, how does that translate to your issues now?

BARNES: Because they made sure I was… dependent on them. Completely. They worked hard to make damn sure I couldn’t do anything for myself outside of my missions.

RAYNOR: And what happened if you tried?

BARNES: [Quietly] You can figure that out.

RAYNOR: I’d like you to say it.

BARNES: They'd… make me regret it.

RAYNOR: They would hurt you.

BARNES: Yeah.

RAYNOR: Can you tell me more about that?

BARNES: Do we have to do this?

WILSON: No. We don’t.

[Silence — six seconds.]

RAYNOR: Okay. Well. I’m remembering another piece you’ve told me about before, and wondering if that ties into this as well. And that is your struggle with not knowing your own needs. Not being able to pay attention to your own body’s cues, like pain, hunger, tiredness. Which we’ve discussed before, so clean that look off your face, you can’t bullshit me.

BARNES: Warm and fuzzy as always, aren’t you, Doc.

RAYNOR: And Sam mentioned you have trouble sticking to a routine. So, the big question. Do you think part of your difficulty with routines and self-care and noticing when you’re in pain is because you don’t think you’re worth looking after? That your needs aren’t worth meeting?

BARNES: Jesus, I mean, it’s…

RAYNOR: I know you struggle with your sense of self-worth.

[Silence — six seconds.]

BARNES: Not pulling any punches today, huh. [Pause] No. I mean, yes, but… it’s not that. Not exactly. I’m just good at pushing through things.

RAYNOR: Mm. Like the collarbone incident.

WILSON: Don’t get me goddamn started.

RAYNOR: So, the million-dollar question is, where do you think that instinct comes from? To push through things, to not look after yourself?

BARNES: You know where. It’s the whole reason we’re here, right? [Quietly] It’s ‘cause I’m still kind of fucked up from all that stuff before.

RAYNOR: You mean your time as the Soldier.

BARNES: The mission was always the most important thing. They couldn’t afford to have their weapon break down. And they worked real hard to make sure I wouldn’t.

WILSON: You’re not a weapon, Buck.

BARNES: I was, though. They made a really good weapon, and now I kind of suck at being anything else.

WILSON: Bucky—

RAYNOR: Okay, James, slow your roll—

BARNES: What does that even mean?

WILSON: It means you are the crotchetiest, oldest man Christina has ever met and you don’t understand half of what my nephews say.

BARNES: Yeah, well, at least they let me play Minecraft with them, unlike their boring Uncle Sam—

WILSON: You are never going to stop talking about that, are you.

RAYNOR: Sam. James.

BARNES: Sorry, Doc.

WILSON: [Simultaneously] Sorry.

RAYNOR: The great thing about humans is that we’re adaptable as hell. So yes. You’re dealing with these issues now because you were taught to think of yourself as a weapon, or a machine. But if you were turned into a weapon once, doesn’t that prove that you can change? Logically speaking?

BARNES: It took them a long time, though.

RAYNOR: So it’ll take you a while to fully change back, too.

BARNES: Come on. Some of this shit is permanent. You think I can just regrow my arm?

RAYNOR: No. But you can regrow other parts of yourself. You’ll get there, James. You’ve been getting there. I’m seeing it happen. [Pause] Anyway, it’s great that you’re talking about this stuff, that you’re working on it together.

BARNES: Well, it was Sam. Anyway, we’re… trying to figure out workarounds.

RAYNOR: Like what?

WILSON: Like, the food thing — I have so many protein bars with me all the time now. I have, like, protein bars in every pocket of every jacket I own. As soon as he starts looking grumpy, I just throw one at him.

RAYNOR: How’s that working for you?

WILSON: So far, so good.

RAYNOR: That’s great. Now — okay, don’t take this the wrong way, but… Sam, you’re respecting the line between friend and caregiver, aren’t you.

BARNES: Caregiver?

WILSON: Christina, I am a Black man. I’m very, very aware of what the world wants me to be. I don’t give my time and care to anyone who hasn’t earned it.

RAYNOR: Okay, okay, dial it back. I get it, okay? I’m coming at you as a woman. A white woman, but a woman nonetheless. And I know what it’s like to be put in that position too, with people having expectations of you just because of who you are. I’m not making any assumptions, okay?

BARNES: [Sighs] You know what the shittiest part about living in the future is? All the fucked-up things we had back in the ‘30s, the way people treated women and coloured — people of colour — it’s like things are still almost as fucked up. Some better laws, some progress, but… I don’t know. We really thought it was going to be better than this.

RAYNOR: How does that make you feel?

BARNES: I am — I am so fucking angry at this future, sometimes. [Pause] But really, caregiver? Come on.

WILSON: Does someone need a protein bar?

BARNES: You’re hilarious.

WILSON: Your sister sure thinks so.

BARNES: Hey—

RAYNOR: Okay boys, boys, settle down. [Pause] James, what I’m hearing is that you don’t actually believe you can recover.

BARNES: [Scoffs]

RAYNOR: Mm. Care to elaborate on that very elegant response?

BARNES: You recover from the flu, not…

RAYNOR: Not what?

BARNES: You know. The things they did.

RAYNOR: I know pieces of it. I’m sure I don’t know it all. Which part are you referring to specifically?

BARNES: What they did to my brain.

RAYNOR: You don’t believe the brain can recover from injury?

BARNES: I don’t think you can unboil an egg, is what I’m saying. And the ways they trained me… they made sure their lessons stuck. [Pause] Look, I’m not going to be normal again. And you’re right, I need to get over it.

RAYNOR: Okay, first of all, you’re putting words in my mouth, so thank you very much for that. I wouldn’t tell you to just get over it, because you’re never going to “get over” this.

BARNES: Well, thanks, are we done then? Jesus, what a thing to say.

RAYNOR: Ah-ah-ah! Listen. People don’t go through trauma like yours without being changed. In your case, profoundly changed. So stop expecting that someday you’ll be done with it.

BARNES: You want me to lower my expectations?

RAYNOR: Jesus, no — James, I want you to focus on processing your experiences so you can move on with your life. That doesn’t mean getting over it. That means learning to live with the shit you’ve been through. And living with it in a way that doesn’t hurt you, or anyone else around you.

[Silence — five seconds.]

RAYNOR: I’ve told you before, you’re never going to be the same person you were before the war.

BARNES: Were you?

RAYNOR: Was I what?

BARNES: You were a soldier too. You went to war. Were you… did it…?

RAYNOR: I’m your therapist. Let’s not focus on me.

BARNES: You don’t think this is relevant? Come on. You’re a vet. You were specifically hired as my therapist because you’re a vet. So? Were you the same after you came back?

RAYNOR: [Pause] No, I wasn’t.

BARNES: Sam, were you?

WILSON: No. Hell no.

RAYNOR: But James, you’re also never going to be the same person you were yesterday. The same person you were even five minutes ago.

BARNES: Don’t get philosophical on me, I—

RAYNOR: You have to believe. You need to believe in yourself. I cannot stress this enough. That’s the thing about healing, okay? A doctor can stitch up a wound, but they can’t make the flesh heal itself back together. The flesh has got to do that itself. I can help. But I can’t do the work for you. James, none of this works if you can’t believe it will get better.

BARNES: Never really been good at the blind faith thing.

RAYNOR: Are you serious? You’re literally known for believing in Steve before he became a super soldier and got famous.

BARNES: Hey, that’s different. If you’d met Steve, you’d get it.

WILSON: Too real.

RAYNOR: Quit deflecting. Think about this and answer honestly: Do you think you’re capable of getting better?

BARNES: I… don’t know.

RAYNOR: Why are you unsure?

BARNES: It’s been years. I’ve been free for years. And I’m still…

RAYNOR: Still healing?

BARNES: Still like this. I mean, am I better than I was when I first got out? Yes, a thousand times, Jesus. But it’s like I’ve just hit a plateau. Maybe this is as good as it gets.

RAYNOR: Or maybe the process of healing from a trauma as deep and complex as yours is itself going to be just as complex.

BARNES: Or maybe I’m just fucked up permanently and this is all a waste of time.

RAYNOR: Maybe. Let’s say that’s true.

WILSON: Dude.

RAYNOR: Sam, let me finish. Let’s say this is as good as it gets. What are you going to do with that?

BARNES: What’s that supposed to mean?

RAYNOR: You’ve been dealt a shitty hand, Barnes. How are you going to play it?

BARNES: Is this supposed to be a motivational speech? Because, I gotta say, Doc, we should go back to—

RAYNOR: James, come on—

BARNES: —the art therapy was nice, let’s do that—

RAYNOR: James, for Christ’s sake, quit showing off for Sam and just answer a goddamn question. [Pause] Do you or do you not feel hopeful at all about your recovery?

BARNES: [Pause] Sometimes.

RAYNOR: What makes you feel hopeful?

BARNES: I… it’s easier to be around people. Than it was.

RAYNOR: Good. So you’re seeing yourself make progress. What else?

BARNES: I have… the breathing thing you make me do, and that game where you notice things that you can hear and see. I got a sketchbook. Stuff like that. To help with the… episodes I get.

RAYNOR: So you’ve developed coping skills for your anxiety and depression, and you’re getting better at using them. Excellent. And?

BARNES: Sam.

WILSON: Yeah?

BARNES: No, I mean… I have Sam.

WILSON: [Pause] You know, sometimes you say mushy shit like that and I almost forget that we met when you ripped my steering wheel out of my car.

RAYNOR: He what?

WILSON: Oh, you somehow left that cute story out when you told Christina about me, huh?

BARNES: I was brainwashed! And I apologized!

WILSON: Only ‘cause Sarah made you.

BARNES: Yeah. [Quietly] There’s Sarah, too. I have Sarah. And the boys. People I want to… be better for.

RAYNOR: There it is.

WILSON: You keep talking about my sister in that tone of voice, a man can’t be held responsible for what he does.

BARNES: Hey, you were hitting on my sister too!

WILSON: You know she sent me a real nice email the other day? Signed “big kisses, Becca”. I think it’s getting serious.

BARNES: Sam—

WILSON: She also sent me this old photo of little baby Bucky and little baby Steve in these cute little shorts and suspenders, holding hands—

BARNES: She did not—

WILSON: I mean, you guys were nowhere near as cute as Cass and AJ, but still, god damn, just about gave me a cavity—

BARNES: I know where you sleep.

WILSON: Yeah, and I know what you looked like when you were missing both your front teeth. Is that why they called you Bucky?

BARNES: You are forbidden from speaking to my sister ever again. Or emailing. You two are bad enough on your own, together you’re—

WILSON: Yeah, well, what about you and mine? “Ohhh, golly gee whiz, Sarah, can I wash your car even though everyone knows it’s gonna rain tomorrow? Ohhh, Sarah, can I walk around in an extra-extra-small little t-shirt and chop firewood for you even though it’s like a hundred degrees out?”

BARNES: I don’t sound like that!

WILSON: You are not subtle, dude. Not. Subtle.

BARNES: I’m very subtle!

WILSON: [Laughing loudly]

BARNES: Okay, Doc, what’s with the eyebrow?

RAYNOR: I’m just staggered that the two of you managed to save the world.

BARNES: To be fair, we were just helping.

RAYNOR: Well, that’s some comfort. [Pause] Not that this isn’t highly entertaining, but I do have another meeting coming up in a bit.

WILSON: Sorry, Christina. I got us off track.

RAYNOR: Don’t apologize, it’s nice to see someone keeping James in check.

BARNES: Hey!

RAYNOR: James, sorry to kill the mood, but I want to take us back to this conversation about your difficulty with making choices.

BARNES: Joy.

RAYNOR: It comes from your choices being taken away. Forcibly. Do you feel like you can talk about that?

[Silence — five seconds.]

BARNES: [Sighs]

RAYNOR: If you're not comfortable with this, we can pick this up another time, another session—

BARNES: No. It’s fine. It’s not because of Sam, if that’s what you’re thinking. It’s just… this is humiliating. Which was the point. The point was to humiliate me.

RAYNOR: It’s okay to talk about this. With both of us. If you want to talk… we’re listening.

BARNES: [Pause] They… messed with me. To break me down. They’d give me two choices and whatever I picked, it was the wrong one. No matter what, I was always wrong. So after a while, making choices got hard. I started freezing up. They made sure I knew choices weren’t for me. The Soldier got orders, not choices.

RAYNOR: And it’s been hard to relearn what it feels like to have choices. Is that right?

BARNES: It’s been years since I got out. I don’t know why I’m still like this.

RAYNOR: Well, like we’ve talked about before, sometimes the body remembers things for a long time. And you have concurrent issues, physical, emotional, neurological, that are complicating your recovery.

BARNES: Yeah, it’s almost like they had a special machine designed to fuck me up. Imagine that.

RAYNOR: Sarcasm, Barnes, not productive. [Pause] We haven’t talked much about that. The process of them taking your memories.

BARNES: Guess not.

RAYNOR: I saw the videos. And the files. You don’t have to explain the process. But do you want to talk about it?

BARNES: Why the fuck would I want to talk about it?

RAYNOR: Let me rephrase: do you think it might help you to talk about it?

BARNES: I don’t know. I… don’t know. [Quietly] What do you want to know?

RAYNOR: Well, for starters, have you ever talked to anyone else about that part of your history?

BARNES: I haven’t really told — I did tell Shuri, because I had to, but it was…

RAYNOR: Traumatic? To relive it?

BARNES: Yeah. And Sam… you shouldn’t have to hear about this shit.

WILSON: I know what I signed up for.

RAYNOR: Did you ever talk to Steve about what had happened to you?

BARNES: Steve knew. He'd read the files. Saw footage. Saw… things I wished he hadn't seen. He… no. We couldn't talk about it.

RAYNOR: Why not?

BARNES: He got weird about it. He felt guilty. That he'd assumed I was dead, that he hadn't looked for my body after I fell. I think he felt like everything that happened to me with HYDRA was his fault.

RAYNOR: So how did that affect your relationship with him?

BARNES: It didn't. Not really. But it meant I couldn't — I couldn't bring that up or he'd get upset. With himself.

RAYNOR: So you held off because you were protecting his feelings. Which, I will refrain from pointing out, is a pattern for you.

BARNES: Yeah, nice job refraining there. Look, talking about it with him wouldn't have accomplished anything anyway.

RAYNOR: Maybe. Maybe not. Do you want to talk about it now?

BARNES: Talk about what?

RAYNOR: What they did to you. You don’t have to. But sometimes it helps to air these things out. Sometimes it's nice to not have to carry it all yourself.

[Silence — eight seconds.]

BARNES: [Quietly] The first time I saw the chair, the machine, I… I don’t know. Maybe it’s a dream, not a memory, but…

RAYNOR: But?

BARNES: But that first time, I remember going crazy. Screaming, fighting, every step of the way. Which makes me think maybe it wasn’t the first time I’d seen it. But if they’d used it on me before, I don’t remember at all. Usually I can remember something, even if it’s just a feeling or a little flash. So if that wasn’t the first time, then who am I to say whether anything I remember is right? Whether I can rely on those feelings at all? Maybe the bigger question is, what kinds of shit did I do that I don’t even remember at all? What did they do to me that I don’t remember? What did they take that I don't even know about? How — how much of myself am I actually missing?

RAYNOR: That sounds like a great way to drive yourself crazy, wondering about that.

BARNES: Yeah, well, that ship has sailed. And sunk.

RAYNOR: We don’t call people crazy in this office—

BARNES: You’re the one who said crazy, it was your word—

RAYNOR: —and don’t try to get all litigious about how we’re not technically in my office right now. [Pause] You good to keep going?

BARNES: Yeah. Okay. The machine. I don’t know exactly how it worked. Electricity, but not like the kind of electroshock therapy they used to do on people. They… at some point there was a surgery. They put wires in my skull, going down into my brain. Here, and here, and here. To direct the current to the right places. Erase the right things without cooking the rest.

RAYNOR: Did the Wakandans take care of that too? [Pause] No?

BARNES: The wires were… they’d grown into place or something. It would have done more damage taking them out, is what Shuri said.

RAYNOR: How does that make you feel?

[Silence — seven seconds.]

RAYNOR: James?

BARNES: Vulnerable.

RAYNOR: Why do you feel vulnerable?

BARNES: I'm still prepped. Ready. If they wanted to do that again.

RAYNOR: And if the wires were removed—

BARNES: They'd have to put them back in if they wanted to use the chair on me again. Yeah. It would slow them down, if they had me again. Might give me enough time for someone to find me before they…

WILSON: No one’s doing that to you ever again, Buck.

BARNES: They could.

WILSON: They won’t.

RAYNOR: And my understanding is that through this process, the machine removed your memories of who you were, things that had happened to you in your previous life. Episodic memory, that's called.

BARNES: Yeah.

RAYNOR: But it didn’t take everything.

BARNES: No. They always left just enough that I knew the chair was… bad. And I knew what would happen if I didn’t do what I was told. [Pause] After the first treatments, I remember trying so hard to hold on to little pieces. Repeating things to myself. Not out loud, because if they thought I was resisting they'd make it worse. And then, after each session… each time, waking up and knowing that something important is missing. But you can't know, you don’t — you don't know what it was.

WILSON: Take a minute.

RAYNOR: But you got it back. You got it all back.

BARNES: Not all. No. I remember a lot. I think I remember everything from HYDRA onward, pretty much. But honestly, I don't remember what it's like to remember things normally. I think it's normal to not remember every detail of every day? Right? But I don't know how… abnormal my thinking and memory are now. I don't remember what I was like before the war well enough to say whether I’m…

RAYNOR: I know you’re not keen on medical stuff, but if you consented to a brain scan, we might be able to help you figure out whether your current baseline is—

BARNES: I can’t.

RAYNOR: I know it’s a frightening prospect—

BARNES: I can’t. I can’t have people touch me. I can’t be in a hospital. It’s not going to happen. I have told you this.

WILSON: You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, Bucky.

RAYNOR: Okay. Okay. [Pause] When you talk about the machine, you sound… well, the word “despairing” comes to mind. Am I wrong?

[Silence — five seconds.]

BARNES: Sometimes when it gets bad, I start to wonder — like, what's the point? What's the point of having good memories if someone can just put me in a machine and take it all away?

RAYNOR: Does that mean you shouldn't try?

BARNES: Well, it kind of raises the question, right? Of what a person is. If I lose my memories, am I still me? Was I still me when I did those things for HYDRA? I was. But I also wasn't. Because I didn't know… I didn't know anything. I was a machine. If I'd remembered something of my life, anything, I would have been more of a person. So that means I was less of one, for a while. Doesn't it?

RAYNOR: I — okay. As your therapist, I am not supposed to talk about myself. But I think this is relevant. [Pause] This is hard for me to talk about. My father had Alzheimer's. It's a disease of the brain, usually affects the elderly. It makes them lose their memories. It's degenerative. Comes on slow, eating away at your ability to cognize, to remember things, to take care of yourself.

BARNES: Yeah. I've seen it too. Shit. I'm sorry, Doc.

RAYNOR: At the end… my dad didn't know who I was. Or my siblings. My father, my dad, who raised me. I can't tell you how awful it is to have someone you love look at you and not recognize you.

BARNES: I… yeah.

RAYNOR: As the disease progressed, he went backwards through his life. He forgot recent things first. Eventually he forgot everything. Eventually he was like a child. A baby. Couldn't eat, had to be helped in every way. It was undignified, it was… it was frankly horrible. But James, at the end, he was still him. He was still my dad. And we still loved him very much.

BARNES: I’m sorry.

WILSON: Me too.

RAYNOR: Don’t be sorry. Listen to what I’m saying. I’m not telling you this for sympathy, I’m trying to make a point. You — your humanity, the part of you that deserves dignity and love, was always there. And will always be there. So no, I don’t think losing your memory made you less of a person.

BARNES: Then what was I?

RAYNOR: What do you think you were?

BARNES: I don’t know. Just… less. Less me.

RAYNOR: That must have been very confusing.

BARNES: I can’t even explain it. Imagine waking up, and you’re in a… a room, surrounded by strangers. And they’re hurting you, bad, and the only thing you know is that you have to do as you’re told or it’s going to get worse. So I tried to do what they told me, to do what they said or hold still and let them do what they wanted to me, and I was scared as hell, so the trying was… genuine. And if you’re scared about what might happen next, that's leverage. That's power over you. If you care even a little bit, that's like blood in the water to those people.

RAYNOR: And why did you care?

BARNES: Two things. One, I actually don’t enjoy having the shit beaten out of me. And two… you gotta understand that once they got me broken in, my life revolved around those people. The technicians and handlers, the STRIKE guys, the people I reported to. Everything I did and thought about was focused on them. Pleasing them. Keeping them happy. Doing things right, exactly, quickly, to the letter, so I wouldn’t be… so yeah. I was very focused on doing what I was told, doing it correctly.

RAYNOR: And what was the outcome of that? [Pause] What's gesturing to yourself supposed to mean?

BARNES: Me. This. I was the outcome.

RAYNOR: You know, James, we actually see this a lot. People in bad relationships, or children growing up around abusive parents. Having anxiety after escaping an abusive situation is normal. It's very normal. In those dangerous situations, all your energy goes into trying to notice the signs that you’re about to get hurt. So you get smart about noticing social cues. And your body keeps remembering that you need to be on guard, even after you’re safe. And that's called an anxiety disorder.

[Silence — six seconds.]

RAYNOR: Why are you making that face?

BARNES: I’m not making a face.

RAYNOR: I know your face. That was a face. You were making a face.

BARNES: Stop saying face.

RAYNOR: Then spit it out. Whatever’s bothering you. Come on.

BARNES: You’re going to think I’m…

RAYNOR: I’m your therapist. My opinion doesn’t matter.

BARNES: Your opinion matters.

RAYNOR: Aww, really?

BARNES: Okay, you tricked me into saying that.

RAYNOR: What’s bothering you, James?

BARNES: [Pause] It’s… bad. And it's not gonna make any sense.

RAYNOR: Try me.

[Silence — five seconds.]

BARNES: A lot of the people who handled me — I don’t need to tell you that they were awful. But some of them… weren’t. They were just people. And people are complicated. There were always bad ones, but there were also guards and technicians and STRIKE guys who I knew wouldn’t…

RAYNOR: People who wouldn’t hurt you.

BARNES: I wasn’t allowed to have favourites. I wasn’t allowed to like things or not like things. I was a weapon. Not a person. But I did have… preferences. Secretly. [Pause] I liked some of them. I liked Nazi HYDRA pieces of shit who were… who…

RAYNOR: Who were torturing and abusing and imprisoning you.

BARNES: Who were murdering innocent people, and destabilizing whole countries, and using me to do it.

RAYNOR: Okay. So you liked some of them. Tell me about that.

BARNES: It was a fucked up situation. I get that, I get that the things they were doing to me were… wrong. And that my head was fucked up. But it was… [sighs]. I don’t know how to explain this.

RAYNOR: Just talk. Let it out.

BARNES: [Pause] They weren’t all bad people. They weren’t all these… mustache-twirling, evil pieces of shit. They were just people. One of the Russians brought me newspapers every time they thawed me out, so I’d know what year it was and I wouldn’t be so disoriented. This other tech used to give me a cigarette as a little reward if I did good, even though he’d have gotten in deep shit if anyone knew. He would touch my hair, like patting a dog, but I… but it was the best, the most…

RAYNOR: James?

BARNES: I'm fine. There was one of the Americans, the STRIKE guys, who used to work as my field handler sometimes — that means he would be supervising my mission, I’d report to him — and he was good, really good. He could get into my head the right way. Half the time he knew what I was thinking and feeling better than I did. Good at straightening me out when I got… confused. So I liked working with him. [Pause] I mean, he was still a violent piece of shit who hailed HYDRA as hard as any of them. He kicked me around plenty, made me lick his boots. Literally. But only when I'd done something to deserve it.

WILSON: To deserve it? You hearing yourself?

RAYNOR: Sam, let James speak. James, why did you like working with that man?

BARNES: He… I don’t know. He made things simple. That’s the thing, it was simple. Predictable. Good orders, worded the right way, so I was never confused. No games. So even when things were… I always knew what I was supposed to do. Which made it easier for both of us.

RAYNOR: And that bothers you now.

BARNES: [Quietly] Steve got angry when I told him about the good handlers. Said I should hate them for what they did to me. But he also liked to tell me that I should make my own choices. So what if it’s my choice to — to feel like that? What if I choose to remember that some of them were good at their jobs? That yeah, it was fucked up what they did, but in the context that I knew them in, they were honest and responsible and took good care of me when I couldn’t take care of myself?

RAYNOR: Did they, actually?

BARNES: Yes. They did. The good ones didn’t fuck around with me. They didn’t hurt me if they didn’t have to. They gave me what I needed to do my job and survive. They never… took anything from me.

WILSON: So they fulfilled the bare minimum for human decency.

BARNES: A lot of others didn’t, Sam.

RAYNOR: Why haven’t you brought this up before?

BARNES: Because it’s fucked up. I know it is. It’s so fucked up. It’s — you don’t tell people about that kind of thing. Jesus Christ.

RAYNOR: Not even your therapist?

BARNES: I’m telling you now, aren’t I?

RAYNOR: After sitting on it for years. [Sighs] James, are you familiar with Stockholm Syndrome?

BARNES: Oh, here we go.

RAYNOR: You’re damn right, here we go. It’s a very well-documented phenomenon where someone who is being held captive begins to feel positively toward their—

BARNES: —their captors. I know.

RAYNOR: Even if they’re being abused. And sometimes they want to stay with their abuser. Sometimes the victims feel so strongly that they choose to carry on a relationship with the person who hurt them, even after that person is in prison.

BARNES: I didn’t want to stay with HYDRA.

RAYNOR: But you did want to please your handlers.

WILSON: [Quietly] It’s a survival mechanism, Buck.

RAYNOR: Sam’s right. The brain does all kinds of weird things to survive in life-or-death situations. Trust me, I’m a psychiatrist, I’m kind of an expert on the weird things the brain does.

BARNES: It’s not normal, though.

RAYNOR: Are hostage situations normal? No. But within the context of a hostage situation—

BARNES: Okay, but it wasn’t a hostage situation. It wasn’t like that.

RAYNOR: Could you have gotten away?

[Silence — eight seconds.]

RAYNOR: [Quietly] There were three different trackers screwed into your bones. Screwed in. They had you physically addicted to half a pharmacy. They literally erased your memory of anything except being their slave. Tell me that you could have gotten away from that, James.

BARNES: I could have tried harder.

RAYNOR: Your file also documents several attempts to kill yourself.

BARNES: [Quietly] I could have tried harder.

[Silence — five seconds.]

WILSON: Are any of them still alive? Your… handlers?

BARNES: No. Maybe a couple of Russians. Soviet Union folded more than thirty years ago, so if there are any left, they’d be old.

WILSON: What about the Americans? HYDRA was alive and well in the American government just ten years ago, and you know we didn’t get all of them. What about the handler you talked about? He still around?

BARNES: Killed himself, is what I heard. Went nuts after HYDRA fell apart, tried to take out Steve with a bomb.

WILSON: Wait, wait, wait. Oh, no. Nope. No way.

BARNES: What?

WILSON: This guy, this field handler or whatever — what was his name?

BARNES: Rumlow, Commander Rumlow. I don’t know his first—

WILSON: Brock. His first name was Brock. Jesus.

BARNES: So you—?

WILSON: Yeah, I knew him too. He was an asshole.

BARNES: Maybe. But he was good at his job. Me, I guess. He was good at me.

WILSON: That’s the kind of guy who — shit, what were the other ones like?

BARNES: Bad.

WILSON: Jesus.

BARNES: Sam, don’t.

WILSON: Don’t what?

BARNES: I told you. If you’re going to sit in on this, I don’t want pity, I don’t want you to make it weird—

WILSON: I’m not allowed to react?

BARNES: You’ve never pitied me before. So don’t fucking start now.

WILSON: Hey. No. I am on your side. I know you’re feeling all exposed right now, but you don’t get to talk to me like that.

RAYNOR: You holding up, Sam?

WILSON: I’m fine.

RAYNOR: “Fine”. Great. My favourite word. We can stop anytime — either of you can stop anytime. Okay?

BARNES: Yeah.

WILSON: ‘Kay.

RAYNOR: James, you said Steve got upset when you talked about your relationship with some of these HYDRA people.

BARNES: Yeah.

RAYNOR: And you didn't talk to him about the details of your captivity, because it would have made him feel guilty.

BARNES: No.

RAYNOR: Would you talk to Sam about those things?

BARNES: Sam doesn't wanna hear that shit.

WILSON: Dude.

BARNES: Well, you don’t.

WILSON: Maybe I do. Maybe, believe it or not, I wanna be your friend.

BARNES:You have the weirdest taste in friends.

WILSON: Yeah, I probably need therapy or something.

BARNES: Well… you want a turn?

WILSON: A turn?

BARNES: To talk.

WILSON: Talk?

BARNES: Yeah.

WILSON: Dude, this is your therapy session.

BARNES: And maybe you need therapy.

WILSON: I go to therapy.

BARNES: Yeah? When was the last time you saw your therapist? [Pause] Sam? Was it before or after Steve left?

WILSON: [Sighs]

BARNES: Okay, yeah, see, here's the thing. You support everyone else. All the time. Sarah, the boys, every single person who has ever lived in Delacroix, the Torres kid — hey, remember when I caught you giving Rhodes a pep talk on the phone? Isn't he, like, a general by now?

WILSON: Okay, that was one time—

BARNES: You talk a lot, but you don't talk about Sam. You don't talk about you. What's going on inside you.

WILSON: Neither do you!

BARNES: Yeah, but you know the difference? I got this friend who shows up with pad thai and beer and climbs right into my head and yanks me out of it when I'm stuck in there having a bad time. And goes out of his way to make sure that every single person around him is okay, even cyborg assholes who… probably aren't fit for human company. But no one ever asks how he's doing.

WILSON: I'm fine, Buck—

BARNES: Hey Sam?

WILSON: Yeah?

BARNES: How are you doing?

WILSON: I'm… [laughs]

RAYNOR: You're welcome to share, Sam. Whatever you feel comfortable with.

WILSON: I wouldn't know where to start.

RAYNOR: Well, how are you feeling about being Captain America?

WILSON: I… it's the greatest honour of my life.

RAYNOR: And it's a lot of pressure, too.

WILSON: Yeah, it's also the greatest pressure of my life.

RAYNOR: How are you coping with that pressure?

WILSON: I don't know. I think mostly good.

RAYNOR: Mostly?

WILSON: I try not to take it too hard. The things they say on Twitter, stuff like that. I try to remember that we're doing this for people like — I mean, people who've been hurt by this country, the people who've never had justice. Hoping maybe I can mean something to those people.

RAYNOR: That's a nice answer, but it kind of sounds like you cope with stress by stressing yourself out more, thinking about how you have to be an icon and a role model.

WILSON: Look, I’m fine.

BARNES: Mmm…

WILSON: Hey.

BARNES: What?

WILSON: You doubting me? Was that a doubt noise?

BARNES: I dunno, was it?

RAYNOR: Sam, I’m going to ask you a question. What is your biggest worry right now? What are you struggling with the most?

WILSON: Probably that damn shield and everything that goes with it.

RAYNOR: We’ve established that. But that covers a lot. What’s one piece that you’re worrying about today?

WILSON: My family.

RAYNOR: You’re worried about your family?

WILSON: Karli targeted them to get to me. I’m sure it won’t be the last time someone tries that. And my sister, Sarah, has lost everything a couple of times over. If something happened to the boys…

BARNES: Or to you.

WILSON: Or to me… it would break her.

RAYNOR: And that worry is probably in the back of your mind a lot.

WILSON: Yeah. Karli kinda put the fear into me. Sarah never complained about being turned into a target. But I know it scared her too.

BARNES: We won’t let anything happen to them.

WILSON: I know, man. But I don’t exactly have a great track record for keeping the people I love safe.

BARNES: Sam, no.

RAYNOR: What do you mean by that?

WILSON: I shouldn’t have gotten started. This isn’t about me.

BARNES: It’s okay.

RAYNOR: Whatever you feel comfortable sharing.

BARNES: You can tell her about him. If you want.

WILSON: [Pause] Back when I was flying pararescue missions, I worked with a partner. We always flew together, watched each other’s backs. And outside of work, too. My best friend. We flew for years. Did a lot of good work together. Until… well, you know where this is going.

RAYNOR: I’m sorry.

WILSON: Yeah. Yeah, me too.

RAYNOR: Do you want to tell us what he was like?

WILSON: Uh, really funny. Life of the party kinda guy. But he wasn’t easy. He came from this back-asswards little town in Kentucky and at first he had all these ideas about anyone who was different from him. For the first six months we knew each other, we hated each other. But you save a guy’s life enough times, he starts to grow on you.

BARNES: Yeah, that happens.

WILSON: [Laughs] Yeah.

RAYNOR: What was his name?

WILSON: Sam Riley. We had the same first name, so everyone just called him Riley and me Wilson.

RAYNOR: It sounds like you two were very close.

WILSON: Yeah. We were. Probably knew me better than anyone ever has, except maybe Sarah. Never flew without him. Never flew again after. Until, you know, a couple of Avengers knocked on my door.

RAYNOR: And how do you feel about that decision to pick up the wings again?

WILSON: It’s the best and worst thing I ever did. But it felt… right. I can’t imagine the person I would be today if I hadn’t opened up that door to Steve and Nat. I never expected my life to be this, but I also can’t imagine it any other way. And Riley would have wanted me to, you know?

RAYNOR: And now that he’s gone — and Steve, who I gather was also an important close friend to you, has also gone — how does that trauma play into your relationship with James?

WILSON: I want to say it doesn’t. But I know better.

BARNES: I meant it when I said you don’t talk about yourself. But you can. You know?

WILSON: Yeah, I just… it’s hard. Thinking about losing someone again.

RAYNOR: Mm. It’s very hard, letting people in again after loss. It’s one of the hardest things we ever have to do.

WILSON: Yeah, but fortunately Bucky has a way of worming his way into your life and not taking no for an answer.

BARNES: Hey, I don’t throw myself out of planes for just anyone, Sam.

WILSON: [Laughs]

RAYNOR: I’m happy to see that you’re looking after each other. Especially since neither of you seems to be comfortable letting many people in.

BARNES: Hey, I’m an open book.

RAYNOR: Sure you are, Barnes. An open book, written in unbreakable code. Which is mostly made of swearwords.

WILSON: That’s it, that’s him! Yup. Exactly.

BARNES: I hate you both.

WILSON: Nah, you love me.

BARNES: You definitely need to get your head shrunk.

WILSON: I know you’re joking, but honestly? I used to see a therapist at least every two weeks. Now… I haven’t seen the guy in months. Never officially left or anything, just kind of got busy.

RAYNOR: Sam, if may I make an observation? I get the sense that you’re the kind of person who takes on everyone else's problems to avoid dealing with your own.

WILSON: [Sighs] As shitty as that is to hear… you’re probably not wrong.

BARNES: You can’t look after everyone else if you aren’t looking after yourself, Sam. You can’t pour from an—

WILSON: —empty cup, yeah, I know. [Pause] Hey, hang on, that’s Sarah’s line.

BARNES: Is it?

WILSON: Yeah. Sarah always says that.

BARNES: What a coincidence.

WILSON: Dude. Little tiny pieces. I meant it.

BARNES: What? I didn’t do anything — ow!

RAYNOR: Not to turn the conversation in a totally different direction, but we’re running out of time, and while I have you both here — Sam, we need to talk about Zemo.

WILSON: What about him?

RAYNOR: I hear you have some… thoughts. About putting him to work.

WILSON: You told her?

BARNES: Yeah, I mentioned it, so what?

RAYNOR: Do you actually think it’s a good idea to take him out of the Raft like a library book? Ah-ah-ah — before you answer that, maybe a better question is, do you actually think it’s safe for James to be around him?

WILSON: Bucky can handle himself.

RAYNOR: I’m not disagreeing. But it is my job, literally, to help him get better. So it’s my responsibility to say, “Hey, look, that situation looks like a big honkin’ iceberg we should probably steer around.” You follow me?

WILSON: Look, I hear what you’re saying. But I also believe in restorative justice. Zemo’s done a lot of damage to a lot of people.

RAYNOR: Yes. James being one of them.

WILSON: I know what he did to him. I was there. But Bucky’s free now.

RAYNOR: James, did or did not Zemo attempt to activate the Winter Soldier when you visited him in prison?

BARNES: Not exactly—

WILSON: He what?

BARNES: He knew the words, Sam, of course he said them. You know Zemo. It was just to mess with me.

WILSON: He seriously said the words?

BARNES: Not all of them.

WILSON: Holy shit, and you let him out?

RAYNOR: Right?

BARNES: It’s not a big deal.

WILSON: Buck, just because they don’t work anymore doesn’t mean that’s okay.

RAYNOR: Thank you.

BARNES: Look, Doc, I know you don’t like Zemo much. But I’m okay with this, if it’s what Sam wants. We’ll keep a close eye on him.

RAYNOR: I don’t like how easily he manipulates you. I mean, he read the book on you. Literally.

WILSON: I know Zemo’s a… complicated person. But we want to give him a chance to make amends. Doesn’t everyone deserve that?

RAYNOR: I hope to hell you know what you’re doing.

WILSON: Yeah, me too.

RAYNOR: Well, that’s reassuring.

WILSON: What, did you want me to puff out my chest and say, “Don’t worry, ma’am, I’m Captain America”?

BARNES: Oh my God, please, do that again. Just hold on one sec, I gotta get my camera out.

RAYNOR: Just… if you are dead set on doing this work-release thing, don’t let Zemo get too close. And don’t let James do anything too stupid. All right?

WILSON: Well, I am Captain America. That means that traditionally I’m the one who does stupid things and then Bucky saves my ass.

BARNES: Very long tradition.

RAYNOR: Well, saving Sam is fine. Just make sure there aren’t any repeats of the collarbone incident, okay?

BARNES: It's fine. I heal fast.

WILSON: No, hang on, wait. We actually need to talk about this.

BARNES: What is there to talk about?

WILSON: You took a hit for me. Yeah, you did, shut up.

BARNES: Maybe I did. But look, I’m all healed up. And you know what? If you’d taken that hit, you’d still be in goddamn traction.

WILSON: It’s not okay. We don’t just... you’re not expendable. You’re not my meat-shield, okay?

BARNES: No, I’m your vibranium-armed supersoldier partner.

WILSON: Still. Not okay. And that reminds me — Christina, I have a question.

BARNES: No, you don’t.

WILSON: Am I not allowed to ask a question?

RAYNOR: Go ahead, Sam.

WILSON: Painkillers for the bionic asshole over here. They exist?

BARNES: Sam.

RAYNOR: Yes and no. His HYDRA medical files list a couple of painkillers that work in high enough dosages. But they’re dangerous. Morphine burns off him too quickly. We’re talking fentanyl, carfentanil, in small sustained doses, topped up regularly every few minutes.

WILSON: Shit.

RAYNOR: Exactly.

WILSON: So no painkillers.

RAYNOR: No, just painkillers in very precise amounts, monitored by a professional.

WILSON: Okay, but what I’m asking is, there’s nothing along the lines of, like, an Advil for the guy?

BARNES: The guy is right next to you.

WILSON: Chill, Buck, I’m trying to help.

RAYNOR: No, Sam, there isn’t. Opioid pills might work, but we’d need to do some carefully monitored tests to figure out a safe dosage. And he’d need a lot of them, taken in timed intervals, so really it would only be safe under medical supervision. That’s about as good as we can do in the West. Maybe Wakanda—

BARNES: Not an option. Not right now.

WILSON: It’s just, the humidity out here is killer. And Sergeant Grumpyface over here is not as stealthy as he thinks.

BARNES: Samuel.

WILSON: Yes, James?

RAYNOR: The humidity is bothering you?

WILSON: It’s his arm. Or maybe it’s all them old man joints.

BARNES: It’s fine.

RAYNOR: What about your physiotherapy? When does that start?

BARNES: Sometime this summer, I don’t know.

WILSON: Might help if you would take that thing off once in a while.

BARNES: No.

WILSON: You know you're not supposed to sleep with a prosthesis on, right?

RAYNOR: Especially one made of metal, Jesus Christ—

BARNES: It's fine. Supersoldier.

RAYNOR: As much as I would love to chip away at your pigheadedness and tendency to self-flagellate, James, we’ve been going for well over an hour and I’ve got another meeting starting in ten, so I’ve got to let you boys go.

WILSON: Wait, wait. Before we sign off, Buck, you gotta tell us — who was the guy who was allowed to call you Jimmy?

BARNES: [Sighs] It was Dum Dum. One of the—

WILSON: The Howling Commandos, yeah.

BARNES: God, it’s still so weird that we’re famous.

WILSON: Ha, you think I remember high school history that well? Nah. Steve and I went around the world a couple times over, looking for your messed-up ass. Lot of long flights and car rides, lots of stories… long story short, I know way more nasty shit about World War II than I ever wanted to.

BARNES: Oh, great. More blackmail material, huh?

WILSON: You sure I can’t call you Jimmy? What about Jamie?

BARNES: You really wanna pick this fight?

WILSON: I could take you.

BARNES: Metal arm, Sam.

WILSON: Big-ass wings, Barnes!

BARNES: What, you wanna go?

RAYNOR: Boys. Boys! Enough. Good God. [Pause] James, do you want to quickly wrap up this session by telling me about something you’re looking forward to?

BARNES: Finishing this trip. Going home.

RAYNOR: I’ve seen your home, I find that difficult to believe.

WILSON: That’s what I said! First thing when we’re back stateside, I’m making him go shopping.

RAYNOR: For what?

BARNES: Furniture.

RAYNOR: I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone pronounce that word with so much disgust.

WILSON: I’ve seen your place. You can’t live like that, dude. We get home, I am taking your ass straight to IKEA.

BARNES: What’s IKEA?

WILSON: What’s IKEA, he asks. What’s IKEA.

BARNES: Yeah, that’s what I said. Jesus.

RAYNOR: Decorating your apartment is an excellent idea, James, I support this fully. Thank you, Sam.

WILSON: Yeah, you’re welcome.

RAYNOR: Okay, boys, take care. Good luck with the storm.

BARNES: Thanks, Doc.

WILSON: Thanks for having me, Christina.

RAYNOR: Bye now.

[End of transcript.]

Chapter Text

Session 18
Conducted by Dr. Christina A. Raynor
10:30 AM, July 19, 2024
Unit #124, 325 West 27th Street, New York City, NY, United States of America, Earth
Transcript of recording as follows:

RAYNOR: —since we didn’t get a chance to see each other last week.

BARNES: I know, I know, I should have emailed or something.

RAYNOR: I wasn’t under the impression you knew what email was.

BARNES: Wow, barely sat down and she’s already coming out swinging.

RAYNOR: Oh, settle down, Barnes. So? How have you been since our last session?

BARNES: Uh, fine, good. [Pause] Jesus, how do you make your eyebrow do that?

RAYNOR: Force of will. Let’s try that again. Also, I’m recording. Good morning, James. How have you been since I saw you last?

BARNES: Uh, busy. Traveling. Just got back from Delacroix last night.

RAYNOR: Oh? And how was that?

BARNES: Good. Yeah. Really good. We flew in on Sunday and I was staying with the Wilsons until last night.

RAYNOR: And now you’re back in New York already? Tell me you didn’t cut your visit with the Wilsons short just for therapy.

BARNES: Well, I thought you wanted us to meet in person when we could.

RAYNOR: James! Yes, it’s good to meet in person. But whatever the Wilsons are doing for you, it’s also good. Really good. And if staying with them is as beneficial to your health as I think it is, you should—

BARNES: I don’t want to intrude. On their family. Their… everything.

RAYNOR: Newsflash, Barnes: you can actually communicate with people when you want something.

BARNES: I communicate!

[Silence — four seconds.]

BARNES: What’s the stare for?

RAYNOR: James.

BARNES: What?

RAYNOR: We both know you wouldn’t ask someone to spit on you if you were on fire.

BARNES: What’s that supposed to mean?

RAYNOR: Keep playing dumb. It suits you.

BARNES: [Laughs] You’re mean today.

RAYNOR: I’m mean all the time. It’s why they gave me this job. You need tough love.

BARNES: That’s what Sam keeps telling me.

RAYNOR: You can have the other kind, too, you know.

BARNES: The other kind of what?

RAYNOR: Love. The nice kind, the non-ball-busting kind. You can have that.

BARNES: Maybe.

RAYNOR: Not “maybe”. You can. You're allowed. I know it’s anathema to your manly-man image, but you can actually have real friendship, real feelings. It was… really nice, to see you and Sam interacting in our last session. I keep telling you, he’s good for you.

BARNES: I know.

RAYNOR: And so is whatever’s down in Louisiana.

BARNES: Yeah. It is.

RAYNOR: So, what was the best part of this last visit?

BARNES: Well, I was only down for a couple of days. But Sam wanted us to get back in time for this… block party, cookout thing that Sarah was planning. Practically the whole town showed up.

RAYNOR: Wow. Small towns, huh?

BARNES: [Laughs] I’m from Brooklyn, can’t tell you much about small towns. But it was so… the people down there are nice. Really kind, genuine. Like the Wilsons. And the food, oh my God.

RAYNOR: [Laughs] So you went to a party. Willingly! Feels like I've just lost a bet I didn't even have. [Pause] So, you thinking about making it permanent?

BARNES: What, like… moving there?

RAYNOR: Why not?

BARNES: I can’t. I couldn’t.

RAYNOR: What’s keeping you in Brooklyn?

BARNES: I—

RAYNOR: And don’t say therapy. If you can attend appointments from Madripoor and Taiwan, you can attend from Louisiana.

BARNES: New York’s where I’m from, though.

RAYNOR: But is it home?

[Silence — four seconds.]

BARNES: [Quietly] I don’t really have a home.

RAYNOR: Well, that just means you’re free to choose your next one.

BARNES: Couldn’t leave Brooklyn.

RAYNOR: Mm. Too much history?

BARNES: A century of it. I… everything’s changed, everything I knew is gone, but it’s still there. The streets are the same, even if the buildings are completely different. The air is different, the water, but it’s still… I don't know. Sometimes if I’m walking down the right street at the right time, I can get these… flashes. Of the old me. Of Steve. Of our families, friends, our childhood. I can’t explain better than that. It’s like an afterimage. And if I’m not going to get much more of my memory back, can I really leave the place where it still — where I still can sense those pieces of myself? Where I can still remember, even if it’s… just a sensation, not really a memory?

RAYNOR: [Pause] That’s the most I’ve heard you say in a long time. And I’m not just talking about how many words you said.

[Silence — six seconds.]

RAYNOR: You have to let go sometime, you know.

BARNES: I know.

RAYNOR: You have a long, long life ahead of you. You’re still a young man. And that serum is probably only going to prolong things further.

BARNES: [Quietly] I know.

RAYNOR: When you think about all the time you have in front of you — is holding onto your past really that important?

BARNES: What else do I have?

RAYNOR: Oh, give me a break. Think about the last few days, the last few weeks, and tell me you really believe that. Your sister, alive and absolutely thrilled to see you. Your best friend, who dropped everything to travel around the world with you—

BARNES: Best friend—

RAYNOR: Steve is gone, James. You know what Sam is to you. [Pause] What I’m saying is, you have people. People who would love to have you closer to them. Geographically and otherwise.

BARNES: I’m not ready, though. To leave.

RAYNOR: Maybe not yet. But just… look around you once in a while, all right? Take stock. You’ve got a lot more going on for you than you think. You don’t need to operate in survival mode all the time, just focusing on staying alive. Maybe you can start to actually put down some roots.

BARNES: Okay.

RAYNOR: You all right?

BARNES: Yeah. Yeah.

RAYNOR: Okay. [Pause] Sounds like you’ve got a lot of feelings about Brooklyn. Have you tried writing any of it down at all? Keeping a journal? I know, I know, you’re going to say it’s cheesy, but—

BARNES: Not cheesy. I kept journals for years with exactly this kind of stuff. Notes on what I was remembering. Guess what, the government stole them. Not doing that again.

RAYNOR: Yes, I saw them. I didn’t think you’d be open to—

BARNES: You saw them? My notebooks? Where are they?

RAYNOR: They're archived. SHIELD has them.

BARNES: Those fuckers.

RAYNOR: You could probably request access to them, if you want to—

BARNES: Request access? Those are mine! Those are me! I spent two years... [Pause] Did you read them?

RAYNOR: [Sighs] As a condition of my assignment to you, I was required to spend several weeks going over SHIELD’s materials on you. In preparation.

BARNES: That’s a yes?

RAYNOR: [Pause] Yes, that’s a yes.

BARNES: Why didn’t you say?

RAYNOR: I didn’t realize they were so important to you.

BARNES: You wouldn’t get it.

RAYNOR: Maybe not. Maybe I would. You wanna tell me about it?

[Silence — six seconds.]

BARNES: No. I don’t.

RAYNOR: Okay, well, if you’re going to be a brick wall today, let’s pivot back to something actually helpful. How did journaling help you?

BARNES: It wasn’t journaling, exactly. It wasn't like, “Dear diary, today I remembered gutting a journalist in Malta and threw up for three hours. It was the best day ever.” My notes were… half of it wouldn’t make sense to anyone but me. I was jotting down things that had happened, things I remembered, or thought I remembered. So that if they got me again — if I lost it all, I could…

RAYNOR: Sounds like you were very scared of that happening.

BARNES: [Laughs] Terrified. I was fucking terrified.

RAYNOR: So journaling helped. Or at least creating a record, like a backup of your mind. Giving yourself a sense of safety so you could take some control back if it was taken from you again. Smart. [Pause] Sounds like that was a big part of your experience when you first escaped from HYDRA. The fear of losing your memories again.

BARNES: You always steer us back towards this shit. HYDRA. What they did to me.

RAYNOR: In case you didn’t notice, this is therapy. That is what we’re here for.

BARNES: Yeah, yeah. [Pause] Yes. It was all I thought about. How they’d come for me, what I could do to stop them. ‘Cause getting free — it was like waking up. Like I’d been dreaming. Didn't ever want to get dragged under again.

RAYNOR: Interesting. But you were conscious, yes? You've said before that you knew what was going on while you were activated.

BARNES: Yeah. I was aware, just... I don’t know how to describe it. Like a dream, like... I don’t know. [Pause] The way the Wakandans explained it to me, HYDRA created the Winter Soldier through a two-step process. The chair was the first part. Brain damage. Removing me, my memories, my personality. The second part was the words, which installed… something. Behaviors. Patterns. So the first step was wiping the slate clean, and then the second step was writing something new on it.

RAYNOR: Tell me about the words.

BARNES: You've read enough about me, you know what they do.

RAYNOR: Humor me.

BARNES: There's a book out there. Bright red cover with a black star on it. Did you see it? In the archives, in my files?

RAYNOR: Mmm, no… but I saw several files mentioning the book you're thinking of. And there were some photocopied pages which might have been from it. Typewritten, looked old. But no, the book itself wasn't there. I'm sorry.

BARNES: Shit.

RAYNOR: You trying to find it?

BARNES: I wanna know who has it. Zemo says he lost it, but…

RAYNOR: But you don’t believe him.

BARNES: Nope. And it’s important. I might have slipped my leash, but if someone else… ‘cause it’s a user manual. For me. For operating the Winter Soldier. And even if my programming is gone now, it was effective, and if someone used it as a blueprint…

RAYNOR: You're worried that they’d try to do that again. To use those techniques on someone else.

BARNES: Yeah.

RAYNOR: Do you think they could?

BARNES: I don't know. I don't know what made me special. What made me work. The Russians accidentally killed a lot of people over the years trying to replicate the success they'd had with me. It was the Cold War, and they didn’t want an American, they wanted someone Russian-born. They hated me. Wanted to replace me, but they couldn’t. And when they finally did get their hands on some serum in the ‘90s, the Winter Soldiers they made were… wrong. Violent. Aggressive. Uncontrollable. So they had to be decommissioned.

RAYNOR: Did they have code words too?

BARNES: No. That was just me.

RAYNOR: So why didn't they just install code words on those uncontrollable Soldiers? Make them controllable?

BARNES: Because the man who could do it was dead. [Sighs] See, there had been this guy. Fennhoff. They say he was a specialist in fucking with people’s minds. And he must have been, because I remember every fucking pore on Zola’s face but I hardly remember Fennhoff at all. I think he removed himself from my memory almost completely. If it weren’t for the HYDRA files I read about how they made me, I wouldn’t have even remembered he existed. But I think it was him, and I do remember… just a little bit.

RAYNOR: I don’t remember reading anything about him in the archive. Where did you find these files?

BARNES: A HYDRA safehouse outside Belgrade. I stayed there for a while, trying to get my bearings after I got out in ‘14, and I found some old files in a safe. Files about me. They say this guy was enhanced. He was a psychiatrist, but he also had some kind of — he had this power of suggestion. They say he was the one who put the words in my head in the first place. I don’t know how. Some kind of magic, or... whatever his deal was. He just let himself into my goddamn head like he had a housekey, I couldn’t do fuck all to stop him, and he just pulled up these little pieces of me he could tug on, tie into a knot. I was already sort of — I'd been in the chair, I was confused — but he was the one who made me compliant.

RAYNOR: So that’s how they did it.

BARNES: So I gather. But I hardly remember a goddamn thing about him.

RAYNOR: You all right?

BARNES: Yeah. Fine.

RAYNOR: Is it a comfort to you, knowing that he’s dead?

BARNES: It’s not a comfort to know that someone existed with powers like that. Because where there’s one…

RAYNOR: Paranoia doesn’t help anything, James. He’s not coming back.

BARNES: Maybe. [Pause] The red book also has the words in it. And I know the Wakandans deactivated me, but. Still. I don’t want that shit out there.

RAYNOR: Mm. How do the trigger words make you feel now, when someone like Zemo says them to you?

BARNES: I’m not going to say them. So don’t ask.

RAYNOR: I wasn’t going to. Have you ever tried?

BARNES: Course I did.

RAYNOR: What was that like?

BARNES: I only tried it once. Before Steve and Sam found me. Don’t give me that look, you’d have done the same. I thought maybe if I could say them, I could… take control of myself, you know? Like maybe if the words were already activated by me, no one else would be able to activate them. I’d be protected. [Pause] Didn’t work, obviously. I got two words in and woke up on the floor with a nosebleed. Saw double for days.

RAYNOR: And now?

BARNES: I can say them now. Just don’t like to.

RAYNOR: Why don’t you like to?

BARNES: Why the hell do you think?

[Silence — five seconds.]

RAYNOR: Do you ever come across these words in normal, everyday scenarios?

BARNES: Well, the English versions, yeah.

RAYNOR: How do they make you feel?

BARNES: It’s fine. And these days I mostly stay away from places where people speak Russian, so.

RAYNOR: So do you ever hear them spoken? The actual words in Russian? [Pause] Yes? How does it feel when you hear them?

BARNES: Not often. But it’s… that feeling like someone’s calling your phone and you know it’s bad news but you have to pick up anyway. It’s like that. Times a few thousand.

RAYNOR: Dread?

[Silence — six seconds.]

RAYNOR: You say you were conscious, aware. So what did the words do, exactly? How did they alter your consciousness, trigger you into the Soldier?

BARNES: Why are you asking?

RAYNOR: Why do you sound so suspicious? [Pause] I’m not HYDRA, James. I might be a psychiatrist, but I’m not Fennhoff. I am actually here to help you. Talking about this stuff will help. Especially when you’ve been sitting on it for the better part of a century.

[Silence — seven seconds.]

BARNES: It felt like… like the words didn’t even have meaning. Just syllables, sounds. Like a song, kind of. Or like numbers in a code. A code that unlocked… me. And the sounds moved parts of me backward. And they moved other parts up front. Into the driver’s seat.

RAYNOR: And how did that make you feel?

BARNES: It felt… I don’t know. I can't… if you've never... I can’t explain it. The violation. They took me out. They didn’t want me, they just wanted to use my body. And they used it for — for the ugliest fucking things, Doc. And the one little tiny part of me that was left…

RAYNOR: Got to watch.

BARNES: Sometimes I didn’t fight when they took me to the machine. I knew it would hurt, but I didn't fight it. I mean, I didn't usually fight back, I was trained better than that, but sometimes I didn’t even want to fight them. Because I knew it was going to take away the…

RAYNOR: The memories.

BARNES: And now I’ve got them back. Lucky me.

RAYNOR: The words are gone, though, James. No one can ever make you—

BARNES: Don’t be naive. Anyone can control a normal person, too. Put a gun to your kid’s head. Offer you enough money to pay off your mortgage, cure your cancer, whatever, and suddenly doing a little favor doesn't seem so bad, does it? Everyone has a price.

RAYNOR: What's yours?

BARNES: [Pause] I don’t need to share that.

RAYNOR: No. But you can.

[Silence — five seconds.]

BARNES: Sometimes I lie awake thinking about whether the Wilsons have enough security on their place. So.

RAYNOR: Ah.

BARNES: Yeah. What the hell good am I to them, though? I’m… when you feel this way about a thing, it becomes a liability. A pressure point. And they make me feel this way, the Wilsons, all of them. All the more reason to stay away. I'm just gonna… eventually, I'm pretty sure hanging around me is gonna get them hurt. One way or another.

RAYNOR: You’re worth more than that, James.

BARNES: Sure. Last I heard, HYDRA assessed my value at 98 million dollars. Ain't that something?

RAYNOR: That's not okay.

BARNES: What?

RAYNOR: Putting a dollar amount on a person. That's trafficking, that’s...

BARNES: Yeah, I know.

RAYNOR: You are worth more than a number in a bank account. And there's no amount that you can sell a human being for.

BARNES: Okay, I get it.

RAYNOR: You seem pretty nonchalant.

BARNES: Well, you tell a guy he's worth a hundred mil, that's not bad.

RAYNOR: Deflecting again, how original. Cut it out.

BARNES: It's so fucked up though. Things that fucked up, you gotta laugh about.

RAYNOR: Forgive me if I don't laugh. Slavery, trafficking — those are some of the most abhorrent things that humans can do, and—

BARNES: You don’t like me joking about this.

RAYNOR: How perceptive.

BARNES: Why?

RAYNOR: Shockingly, I do actually care about my patients.

BARNES: [Pause] Oh. I didn’t realize this stuff bothered you.

RAYNOR: This is not about me.

BARNES: Does it hurt you when I talk about this stuff?

RAYNOR: I will be real with you, James, because you’re being real with me, so you deserve it in return. Yes, the things you tell me are very disturbing sometimes. And I’m very sorry that they happened to you, and it makes me… very angry on your behalf. Because, surprise, I actually do like you, and I don’t like to think about these things happening to you. But in the same breath, please understand that exposing myself to these things is my job. This is my career. I’ve been doing this for a decade, and I’m capable of taking care of myself. All right?

BARNES: [Quietly] Thanks, Doc.

RAYNOR: You’re welcome. You good to keep going?

BARNES: Yeah. [Pause] If it helps, they never would have sold me. So it wasn’t really…

RAYNOR: No?

BARNES: Hell no. Only reason the Americans got me was because the USSR was crumbling and the Russian branch of HYDRA had to liquidate all their assets. Including me.

RAYNOR: So that 98 million dollars — that's how much the Americans bought you for.

BARNES: Yeah. But that was back in the ‘90s, so it would probably be a bit more now with inflation. Then again, I'd be worth less with my programming broken anyway.

RAYNOR: Maybe you can answer a question for me. The Russian branch of HYDRA you mentioned — was that what’s called the Red Room?

BARNES: [Pause] Where did you hear that name?

RAYNOR: It comes up a few times in your files. But there wasn’t any context. Nothing on Google either.

BARNES: Word of advice, Doc. Don’t go talking about the Red Room. Not to anyone.

RAYNOR: Why not?

BARNES: Red Room’s not HYDRA, but they're on good terms. That answers your question. That’s all you need to know. They’re supposed to be gone, but anyone with half a brain knows they’re not.

RAYNOR: Seriously? “That’s all I need to know”?

BARNES: [Sighs] You wanna know more? Fine. But you don’t go talking about this to anyone. Got it? [Pause] The Red Room trained assassins. Girls, specifically. I was there once, but I don’t remember much.

RAYNOR: I thought all your Winter Soldier memories were pretty clear.

BARNES: Missions, sure. I remember missions clear as crystal. But between those, sometimes things are… foggy. And that's where the Red Room falls for me. There’s a period in the late ‘90s, maybe the early 2000s, when I think I was — I don’t know. It feels like trying to remember a dream. Slips away as soon as I try to focus on it. They must have fried me pretty good.

RAYNOR: But you do remember something.

BARNES: Yeah.

RAYNOR: Do you want to talk about it?

BARNES: No. [Pause] Yes. Just… you have to never, ever try to look into them. Just don't. All right?

RAYNOR: Wasn't really on my to-do list. I’m a psychiatrist, not a superhero. Chasing down spooky terrorist organizations is more your wheelhouse.

[Silence — nine seconds.]

BARNES: This is gonna sound fucking weird, okay?

RAYNOR: Half the world disappeared for five years. We’re way beyond weird.

BARNES: Fair point. Okay. So. I remember — girls. A class of little girls. Ballerinas. I had to train them to hurt each other. When they weren’t good enough, I had to…

RAYNOR: Hurt them?

BARNES: [Quietly] Yes.

RAYNOR: Kill them?

[Silence — twelve seconds.]

RAYNOR: You were forced to hurt them, or someone would have hurt you.

BARNES: Would have been better that way. If I’d just said no. I should have. But they’d broken me pretty good by then, I guess. So I did what I was told. Always. I think I hated it, but I wasn’t allowed to hate things. Only do them.

RAYNOR: James…

BARNES: Let me talk, okay? You want me to talk, well, I can’t stop or I’m not gonna be able to start again. [Pause] Okay. So. You’ve heard of Natasha Romanoff. Natalia Romanova. Whatever name you wanna call her. She had a lot of them.

RAYNOR: The Black Widow.

BARNES: That’s another one. Yeah. She was pretty close with Steve. Sam too, obviously. The three of them visited me a lot while I was recovering in Wakanda. Sam’s, y’know, Sam, so we bitched at each other but got along all right. But Romanova was always quiet around me. I thought she just didn’t like me. Didn’t trust me. I thought, well, I shot her a couple times, I wouldn’t trust me neither. Turns out it ran a lot deeper than that.

RAYNOR: Oh?

BARNES: One day out of the blue, she shows up in the village where I’m staying in Wakanda. And she’s alone. No Steve, no Sam. I’m working in a field, digging potatoes or something, I don’t remember. She walks right up to me and tells me that she’s wrapping up a bunch of loose ends, and I’m one of ‘em.

RAYNOR: That’s what she actually said?

BARNES: Yeah. Guess you can imagine my train of thought. A Black Widow tells you you’re a loose end... I guess I was kind of disappointed, because I’d worked pretty hard to survive by that point, and the Wakandans were just starting to make me think, hey, maybe there was something good I could do with my life after all. So I decided I wasn't going down without a fight.

RAYNOR: Hoo boy.

BARNES: Yeah. So I pick up the shovel I’ve been working with and I try and go for her. Now, I’m down an arm so my balance is messed up, which also means I I can't tie up my hair, so it’s getting in my eyes and I can’t see, and I'm ankle-deep in mud — yeah, not my smartest moment. And Romanova, as soon as I even make a move, she just sidesteps and does this neat little twist and uses all my own momentum to send me flying ass over teakettle. Nice move actually, really great form. She always was the best.

RAYNOR: [Laughs]

BARNES: So I’m lying there in the mud with the wind knocked out of me and I figure that unless Steve shows up to save my sorry ass yet again, this is it, goodbye world. But Natalia just looks down at me, pretty as a picture, and says in Russian, “Clean yourself up, you're having dinner with me.” So we do. And we talk. And it turns out the loose end was… a lot more complicated than just killing me. [Pause] She’d actually come to apologize. Said we’d known each other once, and she’d done something to hurt me, and she wanted to put things right. At first I didn’t believe her, but then she started telling me things. Things about myself she shouldn’t have, couldn’t have known. Things I was just barely starting to remember myself.

RAYNOR: How?

BARNES: Turns out HYDRA had loaned me — had loaned the Winter Soldier — to the Red Room to help train their recruits. The girls who would become Black Widows. And somewhere in the late ‘90s or early 2000s, one of those recruits had been Natalia.

RAYNOR: You trained the Black Widow?

BARNES: Apparently I trained a lot of Black Widows. Taught them how to fight, shoot, infiltrate, exfiltrate. How to throw knives, dress a wound with no supplies, set a car bomb, you name it. All the basics a little growing assassin needs to stay healthy and alive.

RAYNOR: Wow.

BARNES: I don’t know how long we knew each other, but she said it ended bad. We’d been put together on a mission. She’d made a mistake that ruined the op — she was just a kid — but when they demanded answers, apparently I’d spoken up and taken the fall for it. And so they had… they hurt me instead of hurting her. Punishment. Bad. Real bad. I don’t remember what, but that whole time is just sort of a big black mark in my mind, like… “something really, really bad happened here”. But I don’t know what. Something bad enough to make me scared just thinking about that empty space where the memory should be. And when they were done with me, I didn’t remember her at all. They took me back to Siberia and recalibrated me—

RAYNOR: Tortured, James. Not “recalibrated”.

BARNES: They took me back to Siberia and did what they did with me. Enough that I barely remember it, even now. And put me back in cryo.

RAYNOR: James.

BARNES: So that's what Natalia wanted to apologize for. Not speaking up. Letting me take responsibility for fucking up the mission. Even though they’d have killed her for it. She was expendable to them, but I knew they wouldn’t dare kill me. I’d been proven to be irreplaceable, especially with Fennhoff dead. That’s why I took the blame, I guess. [Pause] She said I was nice to her. The Winter Soldier was nice to her. That really threw me. I don’t remember ever being nice. I didn’t think the Winter Soldier had the capacity for that kind of thing. So maybe there was more to me than I understood. Maybe that’s a whole piece of my history that I’m not gonna get back.

RAYNOR: You cared about her.

BARNES: I guess. She told me we’d been close. I don’t know if that meant we’d been, you know, like that. Maybe we had been. I mean — I, I know I’ve… been with a lot of people. In that way. And. I know I can’t remember all of them. The people who’ve. Had me. So. It would make sense if I didn’t remember her either.

RAYNOR: Do you feel ready to talk about that?

BARNES: No. Maybe. [Pause] I think… I think they did that to her too. Hurt her like that. No, I know they did, what am I fucking saying. That was their whole MO in the Red Room. Make it so the girls’ bodies weren’t theirs. Make it so they knew they were just tools, property. I think… [Pause] I think that was why they did that to me, too. So I knew I was property. So I knew they could just… have me whenever they wanted. And I couldn’t — I couldn’t stop them.

RAYNOR: [Quietly] James—

BARNES: Romanova would have been real young, though, maybe not underage but definitely young. Christ, I hope to God she wasn’t underage, I don’t think I could forgive myself if…

RAYNOR: Neither of you would have been able to truly consent, you realize. Regardless of age.

BARNES: But it still would have been… wrong. Anyway, I don’t remember any of that time very clearly. Just hazy things, like — I think I did know someone with bright red hair around that time. And I remember girls. Little girls practicing ballet, like I said, which sounds like a weird dream, but Natalia said that memory was right. Ballet was supposed to be a way of mastering their bodies.

RAYNOR: And — sorry, I have to ask — are you sure she was telling the truth? Because from the way you've described these memories, they're pretty damn shaky.

BARNES: From the way she told the story, I think it was all true. I don't know for sure, but it feels right. We both agreed not to tell Steve. Or Sam. It would have just made shit weird. But she fought beside me in Wakanda. Right to the end. She was…

RAYNOR: She was a hero.

BARNES: She deserved more.

RAYNOR: You all do.

BARNES: [Pause] I was wrong. You’re not mean today, you’re actually kinda mushy.

RAYNOR: Oh, shut up.

BARNES: There she is.

RAYNOR: [Snorts]

BARNES: [Pause] I'm not real good at believing in myself.

RAYNOR: Yeah, I kind of picked that up.

BARNES: But I can do it if someone else does it first. If they see something in me, I can start to see it too.

RAYNOR: Are you very obliquely referring to our relationship?

BARNES: Definitely not. No idea how you got to that conclusion.

RAYNOR: Right, right. [Pause] And when you're isolated, like you have been? Are you still able to find those things in yourself?

BARNES: No. I can't. It's harder than ever. I mean, Steve left. The one person who really — who I thought really...

RAYNOR: I'm remembering something you said a few months ago, when we had Sam sitting in on a session with us for the first time. You told Sam something like, if Steve was wrong about Sam then he must have been wrong about you too.

BARNES: Like I said. I know, I know, I can't keep letting other people define me. But I think I've been doing that my whole life. And I don't think I know any other way.

RAYNOR: You’re not actually an old man, you know, Mr. Greatest Generation. It’s not too late to learn a new trick or two.

[Silence — five seconds.]

BARNES: [Quietly] Can I tell you something?

RAYNOR: That’s literally what I’m being paid for right now, yes.

BARNES: [Quietly] I really like Sarah Wilson.

[Silence — five seconds.]

BARNES: What? What are you — why are you looking at me like that?

RAYNOR: It’s affection, you moron. I am smiling at you because I’m happy for you.

BARNES: Well, yes, but you didn’t have to do it all…!

RAYNOR: Lashing out, mocking me, I see what you’re doing. You’re blushing, by the way. It’s cute.

BARNES: Isn’t that against, like, therapist law?

RAYNOR: Therapist law — [Laughing]

BARNES: So what do I do? Do I tell her? [Groans] I’m pathetic.

RAYNOR: Well, do you want to pursue a relationship with her? Or do you want to moon over her awkwardly until she finds someone else and moves on?

BARNES: Do you think she’s going to?

RAYNOR: Don’t look so panicked, relax, oh my God. I was being facetious.

BARNES: Well, I’m not exactly…

RAYNOR: What?

BARNES: I’m not exactly relationship material.

RAYNOR: But you’d like to be.

BARNES: [Sighs]

RAYNOR: Maybe that can be a therapy goal for you. To get to a place where you feel ready to enter a relationship.

BARNES: Assuming anyone wants me.

RAYNOR: Let's cross that bridge later. But is that something you would like?

BARNES: [Pause] I was alone for a long time. I barely talked to a single living person for years after I got out of HYDRA, and Wakanda was okay but then it got bad again after Steve left, and… I’m tired of being alone.

RAYNOR: Would you say you feel lonely?

BARNES: You just gotta put a label on everything, huh.

RAYNOR: Fine, you’re alone and it makes you unhappy, but God forbid we say you’re lonely. So, tell me about that feeling.

BARNES: I don’t know. I… want things, but I don’t want to just barge in on other people’s lives, you know? I was raised better than that. [Pause] Sarah cleared out the spare room. Set it up for me. Decorated it. For me. As a surprise. I have a room at their house. Can you believe that?

RAYNOR: Sounds like she doesn’t think you’re barging in. Kind of sounds like the opposite.

BARNES: Even if it was, you know — if she did invite me to stay…

RAYNOR: You would really turn that down?

BARNES: I wouldn’t jump to say yes.

RAYNOR: Why the hell not?

BARNES: [Pause] You know what’s weird? No one smokes anymore.

RAYNOR: [Laughing] That’s one hell of a non sequitur.

BARNES: Before the war, everyone smoked all the time. Smoked at the table, smoked in the library, smoked in the cinema. Now people look at smokers like they’re monsters, even if you’re outside and not bothering anyone. Or they have those vape things.

RAYNOR: Do you smoke? [Pause] Oh Jesus, tell me that someone’s told you about lung cancer.

BARNES: Yeah, yeah, I got the memo. And I quit. Mostly. Just saying it’s been an adjustment.

RAYNOR: So where did this come from?

BARNES: Just wishing it was still acceptable to smoke in your therapist’s office.

RAYNOR: Absolutely not.

BARNES: I know! I wasn’t going to.

RAYNOR: Jesus, of all the things to bring with you from the 1930s. Why the sudden craving?

BARNES: [Sighs]

RAYNOR: Feeling anxious?

BARNES: I don’t know.

RAYNOR: Sit with it. Whatever you’re feeling.

BARNES: Sit with it. What’s that even supposed to mean?

RAYNOR: It means, listen quietly to what you’re feeling. And let yourself feel it.

[Silence — fourteen seconds.]

BARNES: I sleep like the dead at the Wilson house. No idea why. If anything, I should be more alert. Make sure no one’s getting in. But…

RAYNOR: But you feel safe. And at home.

BARNES: I… yeah. I do.

RAYNOR: So what's holding you back?

BARNES: I don’t know how people do it. Love things. That sounds fucking dumb. But…

RAYNOR: You don’t think you feel love?

BARNES: I feel things just fine.

RAYNOR: So we’re talking about what? Attachment, not love?

BARNES: I don’t think I’d be — it’s just, everything gets lost so easily. It’s really easy to kill someone. It’s really easy for someone to die.

RAYNOR: We’re pretty fragile. Well. Most of us are, serum notwithstanding. So, you’re afraid of getting attached because you’re afraid of losing the ones you love. Pretty natural worry. Okay. So where does that feeling come from for you?

BARNES: Do we really have to go there today?

RAYNOR: We sure do.

BARNES: [Sighs] Probably HYDRA. I don’t know.

RAYNOR: You do know.

BARNES: Okay, fine. Definitely HYDRA.

RAYNOR: You pinpointed that pretty easily. Why?

BARNES: I — well, it’s obvious.

RAYNOR: If it’s so obvious, then go ahead and say it.

BARNES: They. They took away. Things. From me. Anything I liked or got attached to, they’d…

RAYNOR: What kind of things?

[Silence — seven seconds.]

RAYNOR: James?

BARNES: They… I don’t want to talk about this.

RAYNOR: Try.

[Silence — five seconds.]

RAYNOR: James, you have got to stop sitting in your comfort zone and confront—

BARNES: Please.

RAYNOR: Fine. Okay. [Pause] So, you have a hard time with attachments. Because HYDRA taught you that something bad would happen to whatever you cared about.

BARNES: That’s oversimplifying it.

RAYNOR: I really don’t think it is. Because you obviously don't have a hard time forming attachments, but they make you very anxious. Am I off base?

BARNES: Look, I gave you your answer.

RAYNOR: You’re attached to Sam and his family. You’re attached to the shield.

BARNES: And sometimes I wish I weren’t!

RAYNOR: Because you’re afraid of losing things?

BARNES: Because I can be turned on the things I love. Because if someone gets their hooks in me again, what do you think the first fucking thing they would do is? Use me to erase any ties to my own humanity. That’s the smart play. Think about it. I loved Steve and that’s what broke the Winter Soldier the first time. So if I love Sam, if I love Sarah, if I love the kids — or if I have friends, pets, anything I care about, that’s what they’d — that’s what they’d make me —

RAYNOR: Take a breath.

[Silence — nine seconds.]

BARNES: I’m gonna tell you a shitty story. [Pause] There was a guard dog on the compound in Siberia. Well, there were lots of dogs, but this one in particular. A German Shepherd. Used to sit outside my cell. Belonged to the guards. I always liked animals, even when I wasn’t exactly me. One day I petted it. Bad mistake.

RAYNOR: Did it bite you?

BARNES: I wish. [Pause] I was being taken to the chair and I was — I was scared, I was a mess, I didn't know much, but they left me enough of my scrambled-up brain that I knew the chair was real bad news. And I didn't want to go. And so the guard let me stop and pet the dog for a minute, to calm me down so I'd be easier and wouldn’t fight, and…

RAYNOR: What did they do?

BARNES: Karpov saw. My head handler at the time. He…

RAYNOR: What did Karpov do to the dog?

BARNES: He didn't do anything.

RAYNOR: Ah. What did he order you to do?

BARNES: [Quietly] I killed it. With the metal hand. Crushed its skull. He told me to make it slow, make it hurt. But I think I disobeyed that part a little. As much as I could. It… it didn't cry out for more than a second.

RAYNOR: Jesus Christ. All because you were petting the poor dog?

BARNES: Because I was acting like a person. Winter Soldiers don't pet dogs. Good assets don't resist when they're told to go to the chair for maintenance. I wasn't supposed to… be attached. Animals weren't friends. I didn't get to feel things. I was only supposed to be a machine. They… they did things like that a lot. Until it stuck. Until everyone knew. I remember this one technician looking at me and telling his trainee, “That isn't a person. That's a machine built to kill.” He looked… afraid. Of me.

RAYNOR: That’s incredibly inhumane.

BARNES: Hail fucking HYDRA. [Pause] So, yeah. If word gets out that the Winter Soldier loves something, it’s not gonna end well.

RAYNOR: And yet again, we run into this problem of you putting your own needs dead last—

BARNES: I have no right to do anything else! How selfish, how shitty a person would I have to be to put Sarah and the kids in that kind of danger? How would you feel if there was a goddamn unstable assassin sleeping in your house as you were growing up?

RAYNOR: If it was you? I imagine I’d feel pretty safe.

BARNES: Come on, Doc, don't patronize me.

RAYNOR: I know no man wants to hear this, but… you think you’re a lot more dangerous than you really are.

BARNES: You know what I’m capable of.

RAYNOR: No, I know what HYDRA is capable of when they’re wielding a human being as a weapon. I don’t think you, James, are capable of any of that.

BARNES: But I could become that again! Why do I have to spell this out?

RAYNOR: Okay, let me ask you a question. What did you think of yourself when you were the Winter Soldier? What did you think of the things you were doing?

BARNES: Jesus. I don’t know.

RAYNOR: Try.

BARNES: You have to understand how screwed up I was. I wasn't thinking. I couldn't grasp anything. I wasn't even sure I was human. I thought — I remember thinking that maybe I'd once been a person, but that it had been a privilege I'd had taken away from me because of the bad things I had done. And that was a novel thought, it was huge, because I had no idea what I was, and in the state I was in, I didn't have those kinds of self-reflective thoughts. When I did, I thought I was a monster.

RAYNOR: And why did you think you were a monster?

BARNES: They told me that I was. The Russians. I was very… suggestible, after enough rounds with the chair. Confused. They told me I wasn't human. I was just a weapon. And people were allowed things that I wasn't. And I had done things no human being would ever do. QED, I wasn't a person. That, plus the drugs. Not a great recipe for sensible thinking.

RAYNOR: And what things were people allowed that you weren't?

BARNES: Just… everything.

RAYNOR: Name one thing.

BARNES: They got showers, not the hose. Hot water. Food, not an IV or a tube or whatever. Got to choose their clothing. People got days off. People were allowed to sleep.

RAYNOR: What else?

BARNES: People got to say no.

RAYNOR: Did you try to say no?

BARNES: For as long as I could. But they put that part of me down. They wanted me willing.

RAYNOR: Willing to do what?

BARNES: [Pause] Everything.

RAYNOR: Can you take a deep breath for me?

BARNES: Mm-mm.

RAYNOR: Try.

BARNES: Who would do those things? Who would — who would do that to another person? They knew I was a person. I don’t know how they — I mean, they knew. I don’t know how anyone could look a person in the eye and do those things.

RAYNOR: And what do you take from that?

BARNES: That they didn’t care.

RAYNOR: And?

BARNES: They thought it was funny.

RAYNOR: And?

BARNES: They… they had to force me. To do those things. They wanted me willing. And I wasn’t.

RAYNOR: And there it is. [Pause] And anything else?

BARNES: And… I got out. I got out.

RAYNOR: Remember what I said before about the stories we tell ourselves? About reframing your narrative? That’s what you just did.

BARNES: I didn’t want to do those things. And I got out.

RAYNOR: Damn right you did.

[Silence — six seconds.]

RAYNOR: You all right?

BARNES: Yeah. But sometimes when I think about things like the Wilsons, I still think… how can I even be pretending to… how can I be sitting in this office drinking your coffee and acting like a person who's never done the things I have?

RAYNOR: Were you not just listening to yourself? Jesus, James, you are not your actions. You’re especially not the actions of the people who controlled you. That’s the whole reason you’re here and not in a supermax prison.

BARNES: Still not sure the president had the right idea with that.

RAYNOR: Don't be glib.

BARNES: I am… grateful. Though.

RAYNOR: Grateful for what?

BARNES: That I got free. Free-ish. Whatever I am. [Pause] Flying back to the States the other night, I could see all these stars outside my window. Not like the stars you see in New York, I mean real stars, ‘cause we were up above all the light pollution. Beautiful. And I remembered — I think it was real early, right after I’d fallen off the train and they’d picked me up — I was locked up in some shithole freezing concrete dungeon, didn’t even know where I was, probably somewhere in the ass end of Russia. And I’d lost an arm and things weren’t looking so good, so forgive me for being dramatic, but I remember thinking, no way am I ever gonna see the sky again. Never. ‘Cause I'm going to die in the dark in this place and no one’s even gonna… no one’s ever gonna…

[Silence — six seconds.]

RAYNOR: How did that make you feel?

BARNES: It’s… complicated.

RAYNOR: Complicated is okay.

BARNES: The memory itself… I mean, what do you think? I figured I was gonna die, I was freaked out because I’d lost my goddamn arm, and it was infected, and… it was bad. Bad memory.

RAYNOR: But?

BARNES: But I also… I did. Get out. I did get to see the sky again.

RAYNOR: And how does that part make you feel?

BARNES: [Pause] Alive.

[Silence — five seconds.]

RAYNOR: Maybe that’s something else you can take from your experiences. You survived. That’s a victory itself.

BARNES: Not easy to see it that way, given how many people didn’t survive because of me.

RAYNOR: [Sighs] James, I will keep hammering this into your head as long as I need to, but I do have another appointment after you, so we have to wrap up. But next week I want to talk more about the idea of you relocating where you’ve got a better social safety net to help with your recovery. And... I want to talk about some of the things you… haven’t been all right with us discussing so far. All right? Maybe if you have some time to prepare…

[Silence — five seconds.]

RAYNOR: All right, James?

BARNES: Yeah.

RAYNOR: You okay? I don't want you to leave if you’re—

BARNES: Yeah. I'm fine.

RAYNOR: Okay, in that case I’m—

End of transcript.

Chapter Text

Supplementary material #7: Interview with Timothy “Dum-Dum” Dugan, 1945

Attn: Dr. Johann FENNHOFF

See enclosed interview with DUGAN, TIMOTHY as requested.

PROPERTY OF SHIELD / EYES ONLY

Interview: Timothy "Dum Dum" Dugan
11/3/1945

INTERVIEWER: The date is November 3, 1945. It is 2:07 PM. Mr. Dugan, please state your full name for the record.

DUGAN: Timothy Aloysius Cadwallader Dugan.

INTERVIEWER: Thank you. Mr. Dugan, please make yourself comfortable. I will be asking you a series of questions. Your answers are very important to the government’s ongoing research.

DUGAN: And that's the American government, right?

INTERVIEWER: Of course.

DUGAN: Sorry, just… had to check. You get it.

INTERVIEWER: I assure you, I may be German but the war is over. I am here to help.

DUGAN: Well, in that case… let’s get this over with. You want to know about Jimmy.

INTERVIEWER: Indeed. How would you describe your relationship with Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes?

DUGAN: He was a war buddy.

INTERVIEWER: So you were acquaintances.

DUGAN: Christ above, someone’s never been to war. No, we weren’t acquaintances, we were friends. Good ones.

INTERVIEWER: Can you elaborate on your relationship?

DUGAN: You go to war with someone, you see sides of them even their own ma don’t know. We were close. We were all close. Jimmy was my idiot little brother, and everyone else’s idiot big brother. If that makes any sense.

INTERVIEWER: I see. Did Sergeant Barnes confide in you?

DUGAN: If he did, that’s between me and him.

INTERVIEWER: Would he have told you if he stole anything from the facilities at Kreischberg?

DUGAN: This is for the government? We already told them everything about our fun little jaunt in that hell-pit. More than once.

INTERVIEWER: My superiors are very keen to know some specific details.

DUGAN: What details?

INTERVIEWER: Please just answer the questions, Mr. Dugan.

DUGAN: Fine. Fire away.

INTERVIEWER: To your knowledge, did Sergeant Barnes or Captain Rogers take anything with them from the laboratories at Kreischberg? Any materials, blueprints, data?

DUGAN: If they did, I didn’t know about it. Jimmy didn’t like to talk about what happened there. Besides, the place was burning down. Picking up paperwork probably wasn’t top of his to-do list.

INTERVIEWER: What information did Barnes give you about the procedures Dr. Zola performed on him in the isolation ward?

DUGAN: I don’t know. Truly. I don’t even think he knew himself.

INTERVIEWER: Did he ever indicate the nature of those procedures? Even if he did not know their purpose?

DUGAN: Well, no. Like I say, he wouldn’t talk about it. But on the walk back — we all walked back from that hellhole, after Cap blew in and rounded us up — there was one time I did see him while we were washing up in a river, and he was covered in cuts. Little red lines, real straight, like someone had been cutting on him. Bruises, too. Big spotty ones up and down his arms, like from needles. I saw him shirtless again a week or so later and all those marks were gone, so I guess those cuts were shallower than they looked. But I can’t think what they’d have been doing that to him for. Whether it was just torture, or… who knows what.

INTERVIEWER: Indeed. Barnes healed quickly?

DUGAN: I guess. He never got really badly hurt that I saw, so I suppose I can’t say.

INTERVIEWER: I see. What about his physical health? Was he well after the experiments?

DUGAN: What does this have to do with anything?

INTERVIEWER: Please answer the question.

DUGAN: No. He was fine. Healthy as a horse.

INTERVIEWER: So he was never ill after his escape?

DUGAN: Not that I can recall. Him and Cap, they seemed to have ironclad stomachs. Rest of us would be sick as dogs, those two would be just dandy. We used to joke it was ‘cause of whatever garbage they grew up on in Brooklyn.

INTERVIEWER: Following your detainment at Kreischberg, did you notice any particular changes in Sergeant Barnes? Physical or otherwise?

DUGAN: None of us slept well, not after what we’d seen.

INTERVIEWER: Barnes was among the men experiencing these sleep disturbances?

DUGAN: Yes, it took a bad toll on Jimmy.

INTERVIEWER: Did you notice any particular problems with his sleep patterns?

DUGAN: “Sleep patterns” implies he actually slept.

INTERVIEWER: So he suffered from insomnia.

DUGAN: For a while. It got better. He had a touch of shell-shock, but he was tough. All right? He wasn't a coward. He was scared as hell about something in his dreams, though. He wouldn’t tell any of us what. Maybe he told Cap, but it’s not like you can ask him either, may he rest in peace.

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any idea what Sergeant Barnes might have had these nightmares about?

DUGAN: No.

INTERVIEWER: Did he ever indicate any phobias to you?

DUGAN: What the hell kind of question is that? Is this really for government research?

INTERVIEWER: I would be happy to show you my SHIELD credentials again.

DUGAN: I still can’t believe Carter and all of them actually called it SHIELD. The answer to your question is no, not that I can think of. Kid seemed pretty fearless. Maybe… I would say losing Cap. Anytime Cap had a close call, that’s the only thing that ever seemed to rattle him.

INTERVIEWER: What did he value above all?

DUGAN: I think he missed his brylcreem more than he missed any of his girlfriends back home.

INTERVIEWER: So he was vain? He valued how he looked?

DUGAN: No, I’m just cracking wise. They don’t have senses of humor in Germany?

INTERVIEWER: Perhaps it is lost in translation, as they say. What would he have valued most of all? What would have broken him if he had lost it?

DUGAN: Jesus, what a way to phrase it. Well. Jimmy valued… I guess he valued the people around him. Making sure they were safe, happy. Or what passes for happy when you’re at war. He was a good sergeant that way. He always wanted to make sure everyone was okay.

INTERVIEWER: Can you provide me with anything more specific?

DUGAN: What else do you want? In case you didn’t hear, Barnes is gone. Not like you need to know what presses his buttons.

INTERVIEWER: Of course. Next, please describe Barnes’ relationship with the other members of your team.

DUGAN: That’s easy. Everyone liked him. He was just the nicest kid you can imagine. Sure, he was a little wise-ass, but he was good-natured as all get out. Smart, too. Smart about people. Always had an eye for how other people were doing. Half the time he’d know what was bothering you before you did. And he’d find some little way to cheer you up.

INTERVIEWER: Please be specific about the nature of his relationships with the other members of your squad. Besides Captain America, was he particularly close with any of the members of your… Howling Commandos?

DUGAN: Why are you so damned interested in a dead man? What’s with these questions?

INTERVIEWER: Please, Mr. Dugan, answer the question. SHIELD appreciates your cooperation.

DUGAN: Like I said, he was well-liked. He got along well with everyone.

INTERVIEWER: Did he enjoy fighting?

DUGAN: No. No one enjoys fighting.

INTERVIEWER: But do you feel that Sergeant Barnes relished fighting in any way?

DUGAN: No. He hated it. He should never have been there. That’s the draft for you. The bitch of it is, he could have gotten out if he wanted to. After Kreischberg, we were all offered an honorable discharge. He’d probably have a whole litter of cute little blue-eyed kids by now with whichever lucky girl got her hooks in him first. He should have taken the damned discharge.

INTERVIEWER: Interesting. Did you notice any unusual tendencies in Barnes? Any… strangeness, any deviancy?

DUGAN: Look, you better not be implying what I think you’re implying about my pal Jimmy.

INTERVIEWER: What do you think I’m implying?

DUGAN: That he and Cap were… you know.

INTERVIEWER: For the record, Mr. Dugan is making a sexually suggestive gesture. Mr. Dugan, do you believe Sergeant Barnes and Captain Rogers were sexually intimate?

DUGAN: Christ, no! Of course not!

INTERVIEWER: So they were just friends.

DUGAN: Well, more than that. More like brothers. Sure, there were some who thought — but I, no, never. Anyone tried to even imply that kind of sickness between ‘em, I’d punch their lights out. They were good men. They weren’t like that.

INTERVIEWER: So there were not strong feelings between Barnes and Rogers.

DUGAN: Did I say that? Those two were joined at the hip. Never one without the other. Look, the kid’s been dead for nearly a year. What are you going around trying to drudge this up for?

INTERVIEWER: Please answer the question, Mr. Dugan.

DUGAN: Yes, there were strong feelings between Barnes and Rogers.

INTERVIEWER: And Barnes was afraid of losing him, above all?

DUGAN: That’s what I said. Look, I won’t pretend that I have the kind of clearance for this stuff. I don’t know what the hell you’re after. But if you’re investigating him, if you think you’re gonna smear his name after he died a hero, you can count me out. He was one of the best men I ever knew, even after they pulled him outta that lab.

INTERVIEWER: “Even after”? So you did notice a change in him following Dr. Zola’s attentions.

DUGAN: [Scoffs] I mean, what do you think? No one’s exactly cheerful after that kind of thing. He got quiet. He got serious. Before that he'd been a funny kid, trying to keep the rest of us afloat in a world of hell. Always cracking jokes, pulling pranks, tucking an extra cigarette in your pocket when you thought you were out. Anything to get you to crack a smile. And we were in the trenches. You ever spend any time in the trenches?

INTERVIEWER: Please elaborate.

DUGAN: If you were in the trenches, I might have shot you. Considering that accent and all.

INTERVIEWER: Then it is a lucky thing for me that the war is over.

DUGAN: Some days I ain’t so sure it is. You never answered my question. You fight in the war, Jerry?

INTERVIEWER: My name is not Jerry. Please answer the—

DUGAN: Of course you didn’t. You got soft hands, and you don’t got the right look in your eye. See, in trench warfare, you live in the muck. And the muck gets inside you, every way you can imagine. You’re living ankle-deep in mud and blood and every other bodily fluid you can think of, and that’s where you sleep, that’s where you eat, that’s where you write your little letters telling your wife that everything’s just fine, sure looks like you’ll be home for Christmas, but you surely won’t be home for Christmas and you goddamn know it. There’s — death, there’s death, everywhere. Bodies just rotting wherever the guy got shot and fell down. You can’t imagine the smell. Drowning in stink. Guys you were having breakfast with a minute ago are dead with the tops of their heads blown off, so you learn real quick not to like anybody. And your feet are rotting alive because you can’t get dry. And on top of it all, you’re a murderer. The thing you’ve been told is the worst sin a man can commit, that’s what you’re there to do, and by God — well, God wants nothing to do with any of it. That’s trench warfare, you city-slicker Kraut motherfucker. That’s what Jimmy Barnes got through without breaking. So whatever the fuck they did to him in that ward — it was worse than that.

INTERVIEWER: Please, Mr. Dugan, there is no need to get upset.

DUGAN: Who the hell are you? You’re not from the government, are you? Are you a journalist?

INTERVIEWER: Let us take an intermission.

DUGAN: Like hell. [Clattering of chair.] Whatever it is you want with Jimmy — let the dead lie. Let him rest. Whatever muckraking bullshit you’re trying to pull, leave the kid’s memory alone. He was a good man, and he’s gone. Have some respect.

INTERVIEWER: Indeed, Mr. Dugan—

DUGAN: And you — I don’t like a single thing about you, not a single goddamn thing. You can take your smirky little weasel face and cram it up your own ass. Auf fucking Wiedersehen, Jerry.

[Door slams.]

Chapter Text

Supplementary material #8: Partial interview with Sgt. James Buchanan Barnes, 1943

Archivist’s note, 1987: Only a fragment of this interview remains. The audio recording, in addition to pages 1-2 and 7-12 of this transcript, were lost, stolen, or possibly destroyed under unknown circumstances between 1946 and 1948 while stored in SHIELD’s archives. Ms. Elaine Burroughs, the stenographer who originally transcribed the recording, recalled the first pages as mostly consisting of Sgt. Barnes’ requests to summon Cpt. Steve Rogers, indecent language, and demands for cigarettes. The latter missing pages allegedly described in detail the procedures performed on Sgt. Barnes during his captivity by HYDRA in March-April 1943.

INTERVIEWER [CONTINUED FROM P. 2]: …experiences from the nineteenth of March to the first of April.

J. BARNES: Look, it was real nice of you to pull me out of morning drills for this. I got enough blisters already, believe me. But I'm telling you, I’m fine.

INTERVIEWER: You will answer the questions we ask, fully and truthfully, or you will face a court martial.

J. BARNES: Where’s Captain Rogers?

INTERVIEWER: I have already told you several times, Captain Rogers is not privy to this interview.

J. BARNES: Captain Rogers was the one who pulled me off that table. He probably remembers more than I did. Why don’t you talk to him? I was loopy. I was a mess.

INTERVIEWER: With all due respect, Sergeant, you don’t need to use the past tense.

J. BARNES: Hilarious. Where’s Carter? Is Carter behind this?

INTERVIEWER: Answer the question, please.

J. BARNES: I’ve forgotten what it was.

INTERVIEWER: Enough stalling, Sergeant. I will ask one more time, and then you will face a court martial, and even Captain Rogers will not be able to protect you from the consequences of your own actions. Are you listening?

J. BARNES: Yes.

INTERVIEWER: Tell us, in detail, what you experienced in the work camp at Kreischberg after Dr. Zola requested you for his experiments.

J. BARNES: First, he didn’t request me. He got his goons to drag me there. They didn’t exactly send me an RSVP card.

INTERVIEWER: Did they physically injure you?

J. BARNES: Yes.

INTERVIEWER: How badly?

J. BARNES: Just a couple of love taps.

INTERVIEWER: How badly? What were the exact manner of the injuries you received on the way to Dr. Zola’s experimental unit?

J. BARNES: They hit me around the head a couple of times. It wasn’t anything.

INTERVIEWER: Did these injuries leave physical marks?

J. BARNES: Gee, I don’t know, they didn’t exactly give me a mirror.

INTERVIEWER: And these injuries are fully healed now?

J. BARNES: Look at me. I’m fine. I can fight. Is that what this is about? I'm fine, honest, I don't need to be sent home.

INTERVIEWER: Once you arrived in the experimental ward, did you recognize anyone there? ... Sergeant, I asked you a question. Did you recognize anyone in the experimental ward?

J. BARNES: Yes.

INTERVIEWER: Were they alive?

J. BARNES: No.

INTERVIEWER: Who did you recognize? … Sergeant, the threat of a court martial is not an idle—

J. BARNES: From my unit I saw Juniper, Whitney, DeLillo. Some guy from the cell across from ours — a redhead. I didn’t know his name but we called him Chattanooga because he used to whistle “Chattanooga Choo-Choo”. Got it stuck in all the guys’ heads.

INTERVIEWER: Several men, then.

J. BARNES: At least a dozen, maybe twenty. Not all from the 107th. Didn’t recognize most of them. Some of them had been there for a while, by the smell.

INTERVIEWER: Describe the circumstances under which you saw their bodies.

J. BARNES: There was a room. An experiment room. They were all laid out on metal tables. Some kind of laboratory.

INTERVIEWER: Metal tables? Like a morgue?

J. BARNES: No. They were strapped down. You don’t strap down dead men.

INTERVIEWER: And they were all dead, you’re certain.

J. BARNES: Yes.

INTERVIEWER: What was the nature of their demise?

J. BARNES: How the hell am I supposed to know?

INTERVIEWER: To your eye, what did it appear that they had died from?

J. BARNES: Torture.

INTERVIEWER: What manner of torture?

J. BARNES: Gee, I don’t know, I never tortured anyone.

INTERVIEWER: Then how do you know what torture looks like?

J. BARNES: Those men died screaming. They died pissing themselves. Their fingernails were all tore up from trying to... Jesus Christ, is that what you want to hear?

INTERVIEWER: Was there any identifiable sign of what had caused their deaths? Was there foam on their mouths or chins, for example? Did you see strangulation marks? Visible wounds, blood?

J. BARNES: Why are you asking me this?

INTERVIEWER: Please answer the question, Sergeant.

J. BARNES: Foam. Some of them had foam on their… their mouths. Like they’d choked on it.

INTERVIEWER: Describe this foam in detail, please.

J. BARNES: I want to talk to Captain Rogers.

INTERVIEWER: Captain Rogers is occupied. Please describe the foam on the dead men’s mouths.

J. BARNES: Where is he?

INTERVIEWER: Describe the foam, please.

J. BARNES: It was bloody. Pink.

INTERVIEWER: Was this bloody foam present in all of the dead men’s mouths?

J. BARNES: I don’t think so, I didn’t exactly go poking around. Maybe three that I saw.

INTERVIEWER: Out of how many men?

J. BARNES: Maybe… fifteen, twenty?

INTERVIEWER: The men who did not appear to have died this way -- what did their bodies look like? … Sergeant, may I remind you that you have been ordered to comply with this interview.

J. BARNES: They were all cut up. Pulled apart. Like a lab rat, like someone was trying to figure out what went wrong with ‘em that made them die. Their eyes — the whites of their eyes were completely bright red. Like all the veins had popped. Some of them, their arms and legs were kind of… at angles. Contorted. Their faces were…

INTERVIEWER: Continue, Sergeant.

J. BARNES: Please, I don’t know. I told you all I know. I'm not lying. I got no reason to lie. I don’t know any more than that. I want to talk to Steve.

INTERVIEWER: When we are finished. We now need you to think on what happened when you were under Dr. Zola’s care.

J. BARNES: Care?

INTERVIEWER: Medical care.

J. BARNES: That… was not medical care. I don’t. I don’t.

INTERVIEWER: You don’t what, Sergeant Barnes? May I remind you again of the consequences of refusing to comply with this investigation?

J. BARNES: What investigation? What are you investigating? Why do you need me to tell you this?

INTERVIEWER: Because you have seen the inside of Arnim Zola's laboratory, which is now destroyed thanks to Captain Rogers, and you may be the last source of firsthand intelligence on the operations of his so-called isolation ward.

J. BARNES: I'll tell you about the lab. I don’t know what they did to me. But I can tell you what it looked like.

INTERVIEWER: By all means, proceed.

J. BARNES: It had tile floors. Weird green light. There were charts on the wall, and instruments and machines… I can tell you what they looked like. But I don't know what they did.

INTERVIEWER: Were these machines used on you?

J. BARNES: Yes.

INTERVIEWER: And yet you don’t know what they did?

J. BARNES: No. I just know what it felt like.

INTERVIEWER: Describe these machines and your experiences with them, please.

J. BARNES: I… please, if you can just get Steve in here, I could… it might be easier.

INTERVIEWER: Do you require his presence for moral support? Does he lend you emotional strength?

J. BARNES: Yes, if he could just—

INTERVIEWER: So the rumors about you two are true?

J. BARNES: What rumors?

INTERVIEWER: Sergeant Barnes, are you a homosexual?

J. BARNES: What?

INTERVIEWER: Answer the question, please.

J. BARNES: No! No, I am not a homosexual. You think me and Steve—?

INTERVIEWER: Your attachment to each other certainly seems to be to an… unwholesome degree.

J. BARNES: It ain't like that. It ain't.

INTERVIEWER: You're quite certain? It would be disappointing for Captain America's newfound popularity to come to an end with a blue card. Imagine the shame.

J. BARNES: Steve isn't — it's not like that. He's my best friend. He’s my brother. That's all. Okay?

INTERVIEWER: So you can proceed without him?

J. BARNES: I…

INTERVIEWER: Can you or can you not proceed with this interview without his presence?

J. BARNES: Yes. I can.

INTERVIEWER: Good, Sergeant. Then please proceed to describe the machines and tools Dr. Zola used on you.

J. BARNES: There was this machine that had… needles, syringes, on these robotic arms. It kept dosing me with…

INTERVIEWER: With what?

J. BARNES: Saline. Just saline. The guards told me it was battery acid or something. Just having a laugh I guess. You ask me, the Jerries need to work on their comedy.

INTERVIEWER: Was that all they injected you with, Sergeant?

J. BARNES: Why would I lie? I want that monster taken down more than anyone here. It was just saline. I’m positive.

INTERVIEWER: Continue.

J. BARNES: There was another machine that was just a big wooden chair, but it had... clamps, sort of. Big clamps that went over your head. Like a fancy Kraut version of the electric chair. I don't think they put me in that one. But I saw two guys die in it.

INTERVIEWER: You don't think they did? Did they or did they not put you in this experimental chair?

J. BARNES: Respectfully, sir, I was high as a kite.

INTERVIEWER: Dr. Zola would not waste time reinventing a perfectly good device like the existing electric chair. Not during wartime, and not under Schmidt's purview. What did this machine do that was different?

J. BARNES: I don't know. It really just looked like an electric chair. They'd put the guy in and he'd… he'd get strapped down, and…

INTERVIEWER: Sergeant Barnes?

J. BARNES: Please, I think I'm gonna be sick. Please, I want to see Steve.

INTERVIEWER: Describe the two deaths you witnessed in this chair in further detail, please, Sergeant.

[End of interview fragment.]

Chapter Text

Session 20
Conducted by Dr. Christina A. Raynor
10:30 AM, July 25, 2024
Unit #124, 325 West 27th Street, New York City, NY, United States of America, Earth
Transcript of recording as follows:

RAYNOR: —decide to swim here or something? It's pissing rain, why didn't you just take the subway instead of your bike?

BARNES: Shockingly, I don't love trains.

RAYNOR: [Pause] Oh.

BARNES: It's fine, I don’t care about a little rain, I just don't want to get everything—

RAYNOR: Hang your jacket on the door. I don't have a towel or anything, but—

BARNES: Quit fussing, it's just some water.

RAYNOR: You look like a drowned rat.

BARNES: You're such a nice lady.

RAYNOR: [Laughs] First time I've heard that one. Ooh, coffee. Thank you. [Pause] You good to get started?

BARNES: Mm.

RAYNOR: And with that enthusiastic endorsement... it is 10:33 AM, July 25, 2024. Patient is James Barnes. So? How are you doing today?

BARNES: [Pause] Good.

RAYNOR: I’ll never understand how the world’s greatest super-spy is such a shitty liar.