Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Mr Rimmer, I’m so sorry to interrupt you and Miss Samantha,” began Kryten as he made his way into their bedroom.
“But I’m afraid there may be something wrong with the ships heating so…”

He stopped dead as he took in the sight before him.

Mr Rimmer was spread out on the bed with Sam cuddled up on his chest.

Mr Cat and Mr Lister were sat on the bed beside them.

His mouth formed an o shape.

“Forgive me sirs..and miss…I’m still very new to all this but, is this what they call a ménage a trios?”

“A what?” asked the scouser.

“He means a threesome, Lister,” said Rimmer impatiently.

“Ahh, No Kryten, we’re just freezin our parts off here, and Rimmer’s the warmest thing on the ship right now.”

Suddenly an alarm went off.

“My turn, Sam,” said Lister.

“No, I get five more minutes,” she protested, snuggling her face into her lovers neck.

“No way! We all get five minutes each! That’s what we agreed!”

“Yeah but this torso belongs to me…plus it’s my birthday, so actually I should get another ten minutes.”

“We know it’s your birthday, Sam, you’ve told us all a dozen times!”

“Well I haven’t had any cards or presents!”

“It’s deep space, Sam! It’s not like we can just pop down to the local department store for cards and presents! What did Rimmer get yer?”

“He says I have to wait til later,” she said, rolling her eyes and gripping on tightly as Lister tried to wrench her off. He eventually succeeded in doing so, and then took his place over the hologram’s body.

“Now no talkin remember, Rimmer? I’m pretendin you’re Kochanski.”

“Kochanski had a bosom,” replied the hologram, lifting his chin up as high as he could, to try and get it away from the scousers face.

“No talking, Rimmer. If I for one minute believe it’s you i’m clingin on to, I’m gonna chuck me guts up.”

“Aaaagh,” he sighed contentedly as he wrapped his arms around the hologram’s body.

His brow suddenly furrowed.

“Hold on a second, I should get ten minutes too. You guys owe me, remember?”

Sam grunted.

“Dave that was weeks ago!”

“Still counts,” he said, grinning.

“Ok fine, but I’m upping mine to fifteen minutes then.”

“How come you get fifteen,” asked Cat grumpily.
“I’ve been waitin ages for my turn! I can’t even feel my six nipples anymore!”

“Sexual privileges.”

“What? asked Lister and Cat together.

“I’m the one that services that torso, I’m the mechanic so to speak, so that should give me special rights.”

“Hey, how come I don’t get no special rights!?” demanded Cat.

“I’m gorgeous! That should qualify me for twenty minutes minimum!”

“I don’t care what any of you say,” said Lister, snuggling into the holograms chest.
“I’m stayin here for another ten minutes at least.

“Arnold, tell him that’s not fair!”

Rimmer screwed his eyes shut in frustration.

“Please get on and fix the heating, Kryten.”

“I’ll get on that straight away, sir,” nodded the mech.
“Oh and I’ve prepared a special birthday breakfast for you in the bunkroom Miss Samantha, I’m sure it will warm you up something wonderful!”

The blonde was instantly off the bed and following him out of the room. Apparently food trumped heat, which wasn’t too surprising, food pretty much trumped everything when it came to Miss Samantha

As they made their way down the corridor, Kryten heard,

“Right Cat, Sam’s gone, how are we gonna divvy up her time?”

“Christ Lister, when did you last take a shower?”

“No talkin, Rimmer!

Kryten smiled to himself. He had a feeling that it was going to be one of those days.

Sam took another swig of her beer, and then set it down next to her on the bar.

Arnold would smell it on her breath and be disappointed with her. But she didn’t really care.

She glanced around at the dusty tables and chairs. Her and the boys had been here not long ago, for Kochanski’s supposed ‘farewell’ party. But there was something about the gloom and the dank smell in the bar that gave every impression that no one had set foot in here in years.

Running her hand through her hair, she knew in her heart of hearts that she was being a spoilt brat. After everything he’d done for her, after everything they’d all done, it pained her to admit that she was really missing her life back on Jupiter today. She was thirty, it was a milestone birthday. If she’d been home she would have been showered up to her ears in gifts by now, wonderful gifts from all her generous family and friends. She wondered what they were all up to today. Kryten had patiently explained to her that Jupiter was completely out of bounds at the current moment due to a severe dust storm that was surrounding the planet, so she couldn’t even go and see them. She struggled to hold back the tears.
She didn’t want to admit it but…she was homesick.

It all just felt like they didn’t care that much about the day.

Lister had said there were no shops in deep space, but he had given her a special ‘birthday hug’ which had been several shades of unpleasant due to his morning curry breath.

Cat had said he was going to make a cute little dress for her, which had initially got her excited, but when she had turned up at his quarters an hour after the heating had been restored, he was flat on his back asleep, the scraps of what would have been her dress just laying on the floor.

Kryten had scored the most points so far by making her a special birthday breakfast, consisting of all her favourites, pancakes mainly. He had also managed to procure a sweet homemade card for her, with a picture of Bob on the front.

She glanced down at her faithful mechanical companion. He was looking at her intently, and she was sure she could see sadness on his face.

“He’s a fucking skutter Sam, he doesn’t do emotions.’

And Arnold, well Arnold had said he had something for her, but it wouldn’t give it to her until later…something about it having to be time specific or some such crap. No card from him either. He had also assured her in no uncertain terms that there was no surprise party planned. He’d given her his,
“Not in a million years, Sam” look.

Her lover had a catalogue of different facial expressions which he used to convey many of his meanings without ever needing to open his mouth. She felt she was fairly fluent in them by now.

No surprise party.

She took a last swig of her beer and slammed the bottle down on the counter, almost as a punctuation mark. A full stop.

‘That’s the end of the drinking session, Sam, now what the bloody hell are you going to do?’

She was interrupted by a very loud belching sound.

She instantly looked down at bob, and the little robot twisted his head as if to say
‘Really?’

Hearing it again, she realised it was coming from one of the ventilation shafts. As she approached it she noticed a green gooey substance dripping from the grate. Curious as ever, she stuck her finger in it, and it instantly dried into a powder and disintegrated.

‘That’s the weirdest damn thing I’ve ever seen,’ she thought, backing away from the shaft.

‘Space moss?” she questioned her metal sidekick.

The skutter shook his head firmly.

“Whatever it is, I think I should be telling Kryten about it,” she said, as she made to leave, motioning for Bob to follow on behind her.

“So you’re not gonna tell me what you’ve got er?” probed Lister, as he and Rimmer were roaming the corridors of Red Dwarf, in search of the green goo.

Kryten had sent them off to try and get a sample of the liquid as soon as Sam had reported it to him. He hadn’t a clue what it was and so he wanted to carry out some tests. He couldn’t join them as he wanted to make Sam a special birthday lunch, consisting of every single hamburger he could think of.

Lister didn’t mind at all. Being on his own with the hologram meant he was much more likely to get the answer out of him.

“Come on man! I won’t tell her!”

“Nope,” replied Rimmer,
“I can’t trust you and your big gob!”

“I’m not gonna say anythin, I swear! Besides, it might be good for you tell me, I can give you some advice on whether she’d like it or not.”

Rimmer stopped.

“Oh I’m sorry,” he said sarcastically.
“Here was I thinking that I knew more about my girlfriend than you!”

“Well we do hang out together a lot, and smoke…sometimes” he added when he saw the glare in the other man’s eyes.

“And we drink together…occasionally. I’d say say we have a fair bit in common.”

“I have sex with the woman, Lister.”

“Yeah…but I know which video games she likes.”

Rimmer gave him a look and raised his finger in preparation for a lecture.

“If you think…”

He was interrupted by a belch, so loud that it reverberated around the entire corridor.

The two men looked at each other.

“What…the smeg… was that?”asked Rimmer, with no small amount of alarm on his face.

“Dunno, but it’s like Sam said, it’s coming from the vent.”

There was no accessible grate to open, so Lister pressed his ear to the metal shaft.

“Here, I can here somethin movin around in ere.”

“What do you mean??”

“It’s like a weird, squidgy noise. Listen!”

The hologram pressed his ear to the cold metal.

“You’re right Listy, that’s definitely a squidgy sound make no mistake.”

Lister suddenly pulled from the metal and rolled his eyes.

“I bet I know who’s down to this,” he said.

“Hogey!” he called out.
“You’ve had your fun, now pack it in!”

Suddenly there was a high pitched wailing noise and the squishing sound amplified, so much so that the two men no longer needed to press their ears to the ventilation shaft to hear it.
Then there was a strange whooshing noise…followed by silence.

Rimmer turned to Lister with an uncertain expression on his face.

“I have never heard Hogey make a noise like that.”

Lister shook his head.

“Whatever it is I think you scared it off,” said Rimmer, placing his ear to the metal once more.
“I can’t hear anything. Let’s report back to Kryten,” he said promptly.

“We can’t report back, Rimmer, he wanted evidence! He wanted goo!”

“We don’t know what that thing’s capable of Lister! I don’t think it’s something we should be messing about with without…well I don’t know…protective equipment of some kind!”

“Protective equipment!?”

‘Here we go,’ thought Lister.
‘He’s away from Sam for an hour or so, and the coward comes creepin back in.’

“Don’t be a smeghead Rimmer, it’s just a pile of burping goo, it’s not gonna hurt anyone.”

“Famous last words, Listy,” said the hologram, following on behind him.
“Famous last words.”

Sam had finished her lunch and was just sat staring into space in the bunk room.

“A penny for them,” she suddenly heard a voice say.

“Sorry?”

It was Kryten, who had come in to clear her dishes away.

“A penny for your thoughts, miss.”

She frowned at him.

“Where did you learn that phrase, Kryten?”

“Well I’ve been studying here and there. I always like to keep myself updated with human phrases and idioms. It helps me feel more ‘Up to speed,’ so to speak.”

“Hmmm,” she replied unenthusiastically.

“And to coin another turn of phrase, Miss. It seems to me that you have a bad case of the
‘Birthday Blues.’

Sam moved from the table to sit down on the couch.

“You’re missing your family aren’t you?”

She marvelled at how in tune the mech could be at times, when it came to reading human emotions.

“And my friends,” she added.

Kryten set the dishes down and then leant down over the couch, looking at her.

“Are you not happy here anymore, Miss Samantha?”

She could see such depth of emotion in the mechanoid’s eyes, emotion that she wouldn’t have thought possible from what was essentially a machine made of metal and rubber.

“I love Arnold, Kryten, I would never want to leave him…I mean…I love all you guys. It’s just, I’m thirty Kryten! I’m thirty! It’s like a big moment in my life that I’ll never get back. It just feels like it’s being so undercelebrated.

“I would put faith in Mr Rimmer Miss, he seems very excited about his present.”

“Do you know what it is!?”

Krtyen shook his head.

“He’s refusing to tell any of us…although…no I really shouldn’t…”

“Come on, Kryten,” she pleaded, giving him her best puppy dog eyed expression, the one that Arnold never fell for.

It seemed to work on the mech though.

“Well,” he said, returning to the table to collect the stack of plates,

“He did mention something about you piloting Starbug the other day.”

“Oh my god,” she said.
“He’s gonna give me flying lessons for my birthday isn’t he??! The first one’s this afternoon isn’t it??”

Kryten beamed.

“Well I do have my suspicions,” he said.

“Oh crap I’ve been drinking,” she said.
“Kryten, what can sober me up really quickly?”

“I’ll put some strong coffee on, Miss.”

As the mechanoid left the room with the dishes, he had a slight moment of doubt, he hoped he hadn’t got Miss Samantha’s hopes up for nothing.

‘Have faith in yourself, Kryten,” he told himself.
You’ve really come far with this ‘human intuition thing.’

“You know Kryten thinks this squidgy thing might be what buggered up the heatin earlier,” said Lister.

They were desperately trying to track the noise in the ventilation shafts, trouble was it kept disappearing so quickly.

“Entirely possible,” replied Rimmer.

Rounding a corner, Lister said,

“Do you think it can see? You know, like we can?”

“Well it can definitely hear.”

“Wait a minute, shush!”

Lister had found a grate in the shaft.

“You’re not seriously going to open that are you?”

“Yes,” replied Lister firmly, a lot more confident than he felt.

He gulped as he exchanged glances with Rimmer, and carefully opened the grate, leaning in to listen.

Rimmer leaned in with him.

They both waited in silence, and the air suddenly became so tense, you could have cut it with a knife.

“Hi dudes!”

Hollys voice came booming through the speakers on the nearby screen.

The two men jumped.

“Jesus Holly, you nearly gave me a smeggin heart attack!” panted Lister.

“Whatcha doin?” asked the computer.

“Trying to locate a green gungey creature with terrible table manners,” said Rimmer.
“I don’t suppose you can come up with any pearls of wisdom which might be beneficial to us?”

“Not really in my remit, that.”

“What’s not in your remit?” replied the hologram

“Green gungey things with terrible table manners,” replied the computer.

“Not much is in your remit, is it Holly?”

There was another large belching sound, which once again, vibrated through the walls in the corridor.

“Wow,” replied the computer.
“That sounded like it came from a pretty big monster.”

“Ideas, Hol?”

Well Dave, if I had to suggest the best way to deal with this situation, I’d probably say….run!”
Holly’s face disappeared from view.

“He’s as bad as you are,” said Lister, who got a fiery look in return.

“You know what? I’ve had enough of this twattin about!”

Lister stuck his arm into the grate and had a feel about.

“You know that’s the last you’ll ever see of that arm, don’t you?”

“Shut up Rimmer! I’m tryin to get some goo!”

Suddenly the squidgy noise was back, making its way through the shaft, down to where Lister’s arm was.

“Get your arm out of there, Lister!”

“I can’t Rimmer! It’s stuck in something!”

Sam was playing a video game when Cat entered the bunkroom.

She turned round briefly to acknowledge him.

“Hey Cat, have we got anything like flight simulator around here?”

“Nope, but what I do got is this!”

He came up to her and presented her with a pretty pink cocktail dress. It was the kind of design that looked like it would have cost a fortune in a store.

Her hand went to her mouth.

“Oh my god, Cat…it’s beautiful.”

“I know,” he replied, smiling his smug grin.

She took the soft, silky material and caressed it with her fingers.

“Cat this is so perfect,” she sniffed.

“Hey, don’t be sad baby, you gotta try it on!”

“Ok! Turn around then!”

He turned his back to her, and she put the dress on.

“Wow,” she breathed, as she turned to look in the mirror above the sink.

It fit her just perfectly, it clung to her in all the right places, and accentuated all her best bits.

“You thought I was snoozin earlier didn’t you? I played a trick! I wanted you to think I’d forgotten!”

He came up next to her and admired his handiwork. Once he caught his own reflection in the mirror, however, she found herself being shunted out of the way.

“Thanks Cat,” she said, giving him a sideways hug.

“Sure thing baby, sure thing,” he said distantly, his gaze now fixed a hundred and ten percent on his own reflection.

“Help me Rimmer! It’s comin for me!”

“Well what do you expect me to do!?!”

“Help pull me arm out!”

“I’m going anywhere near that squidgy thing!”

“Please Rimmer!!!”

The hologram reluctantly wrapped his arms around the scousers waist and pulled, resulting in the two men ending up in a sprawling heap.

Listers arm was covered in green slime.

“Do you realise, this is the second time you’ve been laid across my chest this morning?”

“Don’t remind me, Rimmer,” said Lister getting himself up off the floor.

“What is that?” asked the hologram, getting up himself.

“I dunno, but it feels all warm, like meltin toffee or something.”
He took a sniff, then wrinkled his nose up in disgust.

“It certainly doesn’t smell like toffee though…more like rotten eggs.”

“Thank you for the description, now let’s take it back to Kryten.”

There was another loud belch and then all was quiet again.

“We’re gonna have to get the smegger out of there, Rimmer. It’s already buggered up the heatin, what else is it gonna to mess about with?”

“Well what do you suggest? Ask it politely?”

“No…we need to figure out what it’s attracted to, and then use that to lure it out. Then we can catch it. Someone needs to get right up into the shaft and…coax it out somehow.”

“Don’t be ridiculous Lister, neither of us would fit in that ventilation shaft!”

“WE wouldn’t, no…but someone else might.”

Rimmer’s eyes widened in horror

“No! Out of the question!!”

He stormed off up the corridor.

“Come on Rimmer,” said Lister following after him, trailing green slime all over the floor.

“She’d only be in there for a few minutes, just enough to lure it out!”

“No!”

“You know Kryten’s gonna suggest it! You know he is!”

Rimmer turned round the face the other man.

“David Lister, I am not allowing you to use my fiancee as bait!”

“Rimmer look you’re bein…”.

Lister wasn’t sure what stopped him first, the admission, or the look on the hologram’s face.

“Bollocks,” said Rimmer quietly, screwing his eyes up.

“Fiancée? You mean, you’re gonna propose to her?”

“That’s generally what the term fiancée relates to, Lister.”

“Smeg.”

“Is that all you’ve got to say?”

“Hold on man, I’m just a bit shocked.”

Rimmer instantly looked victimised.

“You think it’s a stupid idea don’t you? See? This is why I didn’t want to tell anyone!”

“Rimmer I…”

“Yes go on say it! She’s not going to want to marry you Rimmer, she’s not the marrying kind or….you can’t marry someone thirty one years younger than you, or… it’s absolutely ridiculous having a wedding in space where there isn’t even an ordained priest!”

“Rimmer!”

“Why in the world would she want to marry a disgusting old smeghead like me anyway? A disgusting old smeghead that can’t even give her a family!”

“Rimmer will you shut the smeg up!”

Rimmer did so, and gave Lister one of the most vulnerable looks that the scouser had ever seen on the man.

‘Damn he really loves this woman.’

“I think it’s a crackin idea Rimmer. I think she’ll be made up.”

The hologram wasn’t yet convinced.

“You think she’ll say yes?”

“I know she’ll say yes.”

Rimmer made a sighing sound, which would have been a relieved exhale, had he been in possession of a set of lungs.

“You got a ring?”

The hologram nodded and reached into his pocket.

“Where the smeg did you get it from?”

“Remember our little trip to the shopping mall?”

“Where I nearly got my love spuds chomped off by a horde of psycho skutters, how could I forget.”

“I picked it out from the jewellery shop.”

He opened the small black box, and Lister gasped at the sight of what was inside. It was a twinkling purple amethyst surrounded by little diamonds.

“Its spectacular, Rimmer.

Can I,” he reached his hand forward.

“Not with that goo you can’t, no,” said Rimmer, snatching the box back and replacing it in his pocket.

As the two men made their way to the science lab, Lister asked.

“Had you planned to marry her when we were in the shopping mall then?”

“No…I just…it was so pretty I couldn’t resist it, I thought maybe I’d give it to her as a gift one day.”

“Hmm…Samantha Rimmer….it’s got a pretty nice ring to it, smeghead,” said Lister, giving the hologram a playful slap on the back with his goo free hand.

The two shared a smile, the kind of smile that could only be truly formed after several years of undying friendship.

Chapter Text

“And that was it,” Lister continued to Kryten, as the mech was scraping some goo off of the scousers arm and placing it into a test tube.

“Something just grabbed onto me arm.”

“I’m so glad you’re ok, Arnold,” said Sam as she hugged him.

“It wasn’t a particularly dangerous position, Sam,” he replied, hugging her back.

“Don’t lie, Rimmer, you were scared shitless!”

“Shut up Lister!”

Then to Sam,

“He’s exaggerating.”

She smiled knowingly.

“I’ll put this goo through our analysis machine and see if it will give us a clearer indication about what it is, and what might be causing it.”

Kryten placed the test tube of goo into a machine that closely resembled a centrifuge.

“We should know in about an hour or so.”

Sam was in her and Rimmer’s bedroom, admiring herself in the mirror. Kryten was busy in the science room, Lister had gone to take a shower, and she hadn’t seen the cat since he’d presented her with the dress.

She’d taken it off not long after trying it on, thinking she would save it for her birthday dinner later.

She hadn’t been able to resist putting it back on again though.

Glancing at herself in the mirror now she felt beautiful, in a way that she hadn’t felt in a very long time. She usually opted for skinny jeans and a fluffy jumper, she couldn’t remember the last time she had even worn a dress.

It made her butt look good, made her legs look a tad longer than they were, and made the most of her virtually non existent bosom. She began to run her hands up and down it in a provocative manner, pulling poses in the mirror.

“That’s a pretty dress.”

She jumped out of her skin, but it was only her Arnold.

He approached her from behind and wrapped his arms around her middle.

“Cat made it for me.”

“Remind me to thank him later,” he replied, kissing her neck softly.

“I take it it meets your approval then?” she asked teasingly.

He didn’t answer, but the kisses on her neck intensified, making her hungry.
She was hungry for his kisses, not just on her neck….everywhere.

“The biggest question of all though is,” he whispered in her ear.

“Are you wearing any knickers underneath this dress?”

Sam grinned as she felt his hands slowly creep up her thighs.

“Hurry up and answer the door!” shouted Lister impatiently as he waited outside Sam and Rimmer’s bedroom.

“Kryten wants us all in the science room!”

When the door opened he was greeted with a post sex Sam. Her hair was a complete mess and one strap of her dress hung down over her shoulder.

“Umm,” she began, attempting to smooth down her hair.

“Don’t even smeggin say it! It’s gonna give me images in my head that I really don’t want.”

“What’s he discovered?” asked Rimmer, coming into view.

“Get your arse down to the science room and he’ll tell us!”

“Change out of your dress,” ordered Rimmer when Lister had gone.

“Why?” she protested.

“Because I said so,” he replied, retrieving the pillows from the floor and replacing them on the bed.

“But I really don’t want to take it off,” she pouted at him.

“It’s only got a few wrinkles in it.”

“You are not wearing that down to the science room,” stated Rimmer firmly, remaking the bed.
“And don’t pout at me.”

“Put your clothes from this morning back on.”

“Fine, bossy” she said under her breath.

“Excuse me?”

“Nothing.”

He gave her a long hard stare but said nothing.

“Can you at least tell me why I am not allowed to wear it??”

He finished making the bed and said,
“Because no doubt Kryten is going to come up with some ridiculous theory about what this green blob is, and I’ll need to concentrate on what he’s saying, otherwise I’ll look like an idiot.”

“So you can’t concentrate on anything when I’m wearing this?” she suggested playfully.

“I think we’ve just proved that point. I came in to ask you what you wanted for dinner this evening.”

Sam considered momentarily. It was her birthday, she’d just had an amazing round of sex, and it had left her feeling more than a little playful. He always liked to call the shots, she knew that, but sometimes it was fun to turn the tables.

Thankfully Lister had left the door open, meaning she could slip out without the annoying whooshing sound of the door alerting him to her escape.

He momentarily turned his back on her and she slipped out bare foot into the corridor and began to run. She knew he could run twice as fast as she could, but if she could get enough of a head start, he wouldn’t know where to look for her.

She raced down the corridor as fast as her little legs would take her. She felt exhilarated, almost like a child again, running across the large meadow outside the house she grew up in. Playing tag with her friend April. She could almost feel the fresh breeze and the sun in her hair, despite the fact that she was just running down a stark metal corridor.

As she rounded the corner she reflected on this feeling of excitement, this feeling of freedom, and realised that it was only since her first time with Arnold that she had felt this feeling. Steve was long gone now and she owed all that to him. Her tall, dark blue hero.
She ran into a supply cupboard just to catch her breath, all the while listening to any footsteps in the corridor. Problem was, he could disable the sound of his footsteps if he chose to, and in this situation he probably would.
As her breathing began to calm down, her mind took her on a trip down memory lane, back to that first day on the ship, how she had run from him, convinced that he was going to hurt her. There was no fear now though…just fun.
Sam peeked out of the doorway, and, seeing the corridor empty, launched back into a run.

“Ah, Mr Rimmer!” said Kryten.

“Nice of you to finally join us smeghead! Where’s Sam?”

“We’re playing a game of tag, apparently.”

The hologram was hovering in the doorway, not showing any intention of coming in.

“What?” said Lister.

“She seems to be in a playful mood.”

“It’s her birthday, Alphabet Head, everyone’s allowed to have fun on their birthday!” remarked Cat from the corner of the room.

Ignoring the animal, as was his custom for the majority of the time, Rimmer said,

“I just came in to see if she was in here,” he turned on his heel.

“But Mr Rimmer, I need to discuss…” began Kryten.

“Well you’ll have to do it without me.”

“Why?” asked Lister.

“Because,” said the hologram, turning back round.
“I am not giving her even one minute to think she’s won.”

Then he was gone.

Lister sighed.

“Ok Krytes, go ahead.”

The mechanoid picked up the test tube which currently contained the green goo.

“After analysing the contents of this vessel, I can confirm that it consists of mucous particles.”

“What??” said Lister and Cat simultaneously.

“To put it in simple terms,” continued Kryten.

“It is made up of sneezes.”

“Sneezes??”

“Yes Mr Lister. Every time a person sneezes and doesn’t use a tissue, mucous particles are ejected into the atmosphere. Over time, these particles have gathered together and formed this entity that we currently know of as the green blob.”

“So it’s just one giant booger?!” said Cat.

“It is indeed sir.”

“But how?” questioned Lister,
“How can it be alive?”

“My thinking is that these particles in the air somehow mutated during the radiation leak.”

“So these sneeze particles have been hangin around for three million years? Slowly buildin into a green bogey thing with indigestion?”

Kryten nodded.

“Is it dangerous?”

“It has become dangerous, sir. For some reason it’s growth has begun to accelerate, and while it’s not hostile, it’s size is becoming a problem as you know. It is overloading the ventilation shafts which has already caused a problem with the heating. As it begins to infiltrate more of the ship, we could see our water, even our oxygen levels begin to suffer because of it.”

“So how are we gonna kill it then Kryten? Trap it in an olympic sized tissue?”

“That’s not gonna work, monkey! We need to lay some Vix Inhaler on that thing!”

“Actually sir’s, I am currently working on a serum that will enable me to destroy the monster, but I cannot apply it while the entity is in hiding…we must lure it out somehow. Someone will have to climb into the vent.”

“Here we go,” thought Lister with a lopsided grin.

Sam took the last swig of her Bacardi and threw the bottle into the trash. It was time to leave the bar, it was probably the most obvious place he would go to look for her.

It was her birthday so she figured she could have a birthday drink.

‘Boy am I gonna be in trouble,” she thought.

Being in trouble was a fun prospect. It never resulted in pain or torture, that was certainly not the nature of their relationship. It generally resulted in either tickling or orgasm denial. He would make her beg for it until she felt like she would explode. Just thinking about it now caused a stirring inside of her.
It had never really dawned on her that their relationship had lately taken on a kind of domination/submission aspect, of an extremely soft core nature.

Holly’s face came into view on the screen.

‘Shit the camera’s,’ she thought.
‘He’s probably checking the cameras!’

“Alright Sam?”

“Holly I’m hiding from Arnold, can you disable the cameras?”

“I hate to say it Sam, but Arnold is currently the highest ranking person on the ship, and he’s instructed me not to.”

‘Bastard.’

Obviously there were no cameras in the utility cupboards other wise he would have found her straight away.

“It’s not possible for him to see them all at once though if that helps. My system isn’t quite advanced enough for that.”

“Does he know where I am now?”

“One second.”

Holly’s face disappeared front the screen momentarily.

“It look’s like he’s on the way down to you, but it’s hard to tell. He’s walking slowly.”

‘At least he’s playing fair,’ she thought.

“Time for me to move then,” she said, with a grin on her face.

“Have you two had a barney or something?”

“No, it’s my birthday and I’m having fun! Oh and Holly….if you disable the cameras I’ll give you a kiss later on.”

Holly considered this…but not for a terribly long time.

“Consider the cameras disabled, Sam.”

Rimmer stalked the corridors in search of his little blonde angel. He’d had no luck so far. She knew her way around the ship near enough as well as he did, so he could no longer use that to his advantage. That and the fact that Holly had now disabled the cameras. He smiled to himself, it was so lovely so see her like this. This was the aspect of her he loved the most. The smiling and giggling Sam, the playful Sam, the Sam who enjoyed sex. He knew now more than ever that he wanted them to be husband and wife, nothing had ever seemed clearer to him. She completed him, two sides of the same coin and all the mumbo jumbo bollocks that he had never believed in until he met her.
He had disabled his footsteps, yes perhaps that seemed a little mean, but she had disabled the cameras. Fair was fair.

He stopped suddenly as he caught a whiff of her perfume.

“You’re only making this harder on yourself,” he taunted as he explored each room in the corridor carefully.

“And you’ll end up being late for your birthday dinner. I know how much you hate missing dinner.”

He opened a cupboard in one of the bunkrooms he came across.

“Kryten’s making your favourite…bacon double cheese burgers.”

He came back out into the corridor.

She appeared to have eluded him.

Rimmer continued on down the corridor with a big smile on his face.

Cat came storming into the bunk room.

“Look what that giant booger’s done to my clothes!!”

Lister turned to look. A dozen of the feline’s garments were smothered in green goo. A goo just as viscous as the stuff he had had on his arm earlier in the day.

“Cat, man, I don’t know what to say.”

“This is officially the worst day ever!” replied the animal, collapsing in a heap on the floor and snuggling up to the part of his favourite jacket that wasn’t covered in slime.

Kryten entered.

“Sir, the green goo seems to be expanding rapidly.”

“I made a suggestion to Rimmer that we use Sam as bait, but he wasn’t happy about it.”

“It may be our only option,” replied Kryten gravely.

“Well good luck with that, because they’re still playin hide and seek.”

Kryten rolled his eyes.

Sam was making her way down the corridor outside the observation deck when a long arm suddenly clamped round her middle.

“Oh Jesus fucking Christ!” she yelled.

“Found you,” replied Rimmer softly as he kissed the shell of her ear.

“You disabled your footsteps!” she said accusingly.

“And you disabled the cameras,” he spoke into her ear.
Which by the way I could have reenabled myself. I can override most of Holly’s controls.”

“Then why didn’t you?”

“It made things more interesting.”

His voice in her ear was setting off a whole load of nerve endings she didn’t even know existed.

“Gave you a run for your money, didn’t I?” she said, shivering slightly.

“You know,” said Rimmer

“If I knew for sure that Holly wouldn’t be spying on us…I would take you right here in this corridor.”

Sam sucked in a deep breath as she felt her thighs clench involuntarily.

He never used to be so bold about sex, but just lately he seemed to be really coming out of his comfort zone. She liked it.

He spun her round and kissed her.

“And you’ve been drinking,” he said, raising a formidable eyebrow at her.

“It’s my birthday,” she teased.
“Speaking of birthdays…I still haven’t had my present yet.”

“Do you really think you deserve a present after the way you’ve just behaved?”

She giggled.

Good god did he love that sound.

He kissed her again.

“For god’s sake, can you two not just leave each other alone for five smeggin minutes!”

“What do you want, Lister?” said Rimmer impatiently.

“Science room. Now.”

“I’ll be there in a minute,” replied the hologram, turning his attention back to his lover.

“No, you’ll be there now. Kryten says this green blob is startin to effect the oxygen levels on the ship. Now I know you don’t need to breath, but she does.”

Lister pointed his finger sharply at Sam.

That got the holograms attention.

“I’ll deal with you later,” he smirked at her, and she grinned in return.

Taking her hand in his, the couple followed on behind Lister.

“No way!” shouted Rimmer.
“Not in a million years!”

“But she is our only hope, Mr Rimmer!”

“Figure something else out!”

“I don’t mind, Arnold.”

Yes the idea of climbing inside a ventilation shaft in the hopes of driving out a creature that stank of rotten egg wasn’t really top of her birthday priority list, but it had been ages since she’d done something brave.

“See, Rimmer!” said Lister.

“She’s just said she doesn’t mind!”

“I mind!”

“Arnold for god’s sake!”

“It’s not happening, Sam.”

His gaze was a dark one, hazel blending into chocolate.

He was seconds away from “arsehole mode,” she could tell.

A touch of irritation began to build up inside her for a moment…until she realised.

The dark look in his eyes wasn't really anger, it was fear. A desperate fear.

He had done well at trying to be less protective over her, but this one seemed to be a deal breaker.

She knew if she pushed the point, she’d just end up being carted back to the bedroom and locked in. Nothing remotely sexual this time. Just his terrible fear of something bad happening to her causing his protective streak to go into overdrive.

She tested the water.

“Arnold, I’ve made the decision, I’m happy to help.”

“Don’t push it, Sam.”

She glared at him for a long time, but he eventually won out.

She decided to let it go…for now.

When you loved someone, you took their bad points as well as their good ones.

Besides, she’d just offer to help when he wasn’t around.

“Whatever,” she shrugged as she turned around to leave the room.

He didn’t follow her. In fact she heard the discussion continuing, but couldn't hear what they were saying as she wandered off down the corridor.

“Are you absolutely sure about this, Miss Samantha?”

“Yes Kryten I’m sure. Arnold is on his afternoon charge, we’ve got at least an hour.”

“This is pretty brave you know, Sam,” said Lister.

“Yeah…well I feel like doing something brave. If I can put my small body to good use, then I’m happy to.”

“Don’t you worry, Miss Samantha, Mr Lister will be right here to pull you out,” said Kryten.

“Ok,” she said, taking a few shaky breaths.
“What do I got to do?”

She had changed back into her jeans and jumper, somehow wearing a dress while climbing through a ventilation shaft didn’t seem like such a good idea.

“If you could just climb into the vent here, Miss Samantha, and stop as soon as you see the entity.

He handed her a talkie watch.

“Let us know when you find it.”

“Won’t it hear me?”

“It’s hearing is very poor in comparison with ours,” Kryten reassured her.

‘I got this,’ she thought as she got down onto her hands and knees and stuck her head into the shaft.

“Jesus, it fucking stinks in here!”

“I can imagine,” said Lister.

“I’m serious Dave! It smells worse than your armpits!”

“Nothing smells worse than his armpits,” she heard Cat say.

She slowly clambered into the shaft, trying very hard not to think about being claustrophobic. She had never suffered with it before, but being encased in a narrow metal tunnel was causing her to feel uncomfortable nonetheless. She hoped she wouldn’t need to go too far in.

Her breathing hitched in her throat momentarily when she caught side of the goo, a little further away from her down at the other end of the shaft.

‘Be brave Sam, be brave,” she told herself.
‘You can do this.’

“It’s right in front of me,” she whispered into the watch.

“That’s good, Miss Samantha,” Kryten said quietly.

“Now just do something to get it’s attention.”

“Like what?” she hissed into the band on her wrist.

Sam thought for a moment.

She didn’t really want to call out to it, that might make it more aggressive.

There was a rusty old screw a little way in front her. She picked it up and…taking a deep breath to calm her breathing, threw it at the entity.

The monster responded immediately.

It spun round in a flash, and before Sam had the chance to backtrack out of the vent, a long set of gooey arms formed out of it’s body and grabbed her by the shoulders.

She screamed in shock….and then everything went green.

The goo was all around her, in her hair, up her nostrils, in her eyes.

Then she felt something sharp slice into her lip, it felt almost like a knife.

‘Well this is it,” she thought.

“I’m actually dying.”

She struggled in vain against the creatures grip, but she was no match for it. What’s more, it was now more or less impossible to breathe because the goo was now completely blocking her nostrils.

‘I love you, Arnold,’ she thought, truly believing it would be her last one, when she was suddenly yanked away from the creature, and then yanked all the way out of the shaft.

Once she was free, she lay in a shivering heap on the floor.

“Oh smeg! Oh smeg! Sam, Sam, can you hear me??!”

She could vaguely hear Lister’s voice through all the goo in her ears.

She tried to speak, but her mouth was a loaded up with the stuff as well.

“Quick, Mr Lister,” Kryten’s voice was only just audible.

“Pour this serum over her!”

She wasn’t entirely sure what happened next, but gradually her hearing came back, as did her eyesight. Pretty soon her nostrils and mouth were clear again too.

As soon as her body was clear of the goo, she leant over and vomited, her body shaking with the intensity of it.

She continued to vomit up green goo, which was quickly turning red from the blood from her lip.

She felt a hand rubbing her back.

‘Arnold,’ she thought.

But as she began to come to her senses she realised that the hand was too firm…almost mechanical.

“It’s alright Miss, let it all out.”

Kryten.

‘Arnold’s not here, Sam,’ she thought.
‘And if he was, he’d probably never speak to you again after what you’ve just done.’

She finished up being sick and just sat there drawing in heaving breaths.

“Let me have a look at your lip, Sam,” she heard Lister say.

She opened her eyes, and, as they began to get their focus back, Lister came into view.

He had a terrified look on his face.

“Smeg, Kryten. I can’t stop the bleedin!”

“I think she’s gonna need stitches.”

Sam was only half aware of what happened over the next twenty minutes or so.

It seemed as if she were almost in a dream state.

Kryten did something to her lip, it stung quite a bit…a needle perhaps?

Then she felt her clothes and body being gently rinsed off with what felt like a warm sponge and a wonderful smelling shower gel. She didn’t know what fragrance it was. Only that it was so much better than the smell of egg.

Lots of talking went on, but she couldn’t really focus on what was being said.

She woke up a little while later on Dave’s bunk. A warm hand was stroking her brow.

‘Arnold?’ her mind suggested.

But as her eyes came into focus, she could see Lister watching anxiously.

“Smeg she’s awake,” he said, sounding relieved.

“She’s awake, Kryten.”

Suddenly the mechanoid’s head came into view.

“Miss Samantha! Are you ok?”

“I think so, yes,” she said, a little hoarsely.

“How are you feeling?” probed the mech.

Sam tried to come up into a sitting position and found that she could.

“Like I never want to eat eggs ever again.”

“Is she ok?”

Cat’s voice could be heard, and his face now appeared with the other two.

She brought a hand up to her lip, which was seriously hurting.

“I’ve stitched up the wound, Miss Samantha, but it was very deep, you’ll have to be careful with your mouth for a while.”

“Kryten,” she looked him square in the eye.
“Eating is one of my favourite hobbies.”

Lister grinned.

“Still got your sense of humour then.”

“Did you wanna coffee, Sammy?”

“Yes please, Cat.”

She watched as the feline busied himself preparing the coffee machine.

He obviously still had a soft spot for her. Cat never did anything for anyone.

“Are you well enough to tell us what happened in there?” asked Lister.

“I don’t really know Dave. I threw a screw at it, and then, these arms just came out of nowhere, and I think it brought me into it’s body, and then…well I guess it bit me…but I didn’t think it had any teeth. If you hadn’t pulled me out, Dave…”

“I didn’t pull you out Sam, Cat did.”

“Cat?”

She looked over at the animal, who was giving her one of widest grins she’d ever seen.

“Apparently his reflexes are quicker than mine or Kryten’s.”

“Thanks Cat,” she said, in a heartfelt manner.

“No problem, baby.”

“I can only apologise for this, Miss Samantha. I would never have thought of sending you into the vent if I had known that the entity had become so hostile. I will have to carry out more research.”

“Well don’t hang around on that Krytes, the things gettin bigger by the hour and we’ve just discovered it’s got strong arms and teeth!”

“I’m sorry I didn’t exactly save the day, guys,” said Sam.

“No, but what you did was still exceptionally brave, Miss Samantha, do not forget that.”

“You sure you’re gonna be ok, baby?” asked Cat as he handed her her mug of coffee.

“I just need an Arnold cuddle and then I’ll be fine.”

“Smeg!” cried Lister

“Rimmer! He’s gonna go nuts Kryten!”

The mechanoid’s expression was a quizzical one.

“I thought you enjoyed winding up Mr Rimmer, sir. In fact, I thought that was what you lived for.”

“This isn’t like leavin his light-bee in my dirty laundry, or coverin his favourite car magazine with curry sauce…this is Sam! You know how protective he is over her!”

Kryten’s expression slowly faded from confusion to alarm.

“Well what do you suggest we do, Mr Lister?”

Suddenly Holly’s voice could be heard.

“Just thought I’d let you all know that Arnold’s on his way down here.”

“Have you been watchin us this whole time?” asked Lister.

“Maybe,” replied the computer.

“Right come on Sam, into the cupboard.”

“Dave you can’t hide me in a cupboard forever!”

“No but I can just for now, until I can figure out how to send myself off to another dimension!”

He took her coffee off her and closed the door behind her.

“Right you lot,” he said to the other two
“Act normal!”

Not long after that, Rimmer appeared in the doorway.

“Hey bud!” said Cat, his trademark grin near enough splitting his face in two.

Lister rolled his eyes.

“Why is he talking to me?” questioned Rimmer, pointing at the animal.

“Dunno Rimmer,” shrugged Lister,
“We’re all perfectly normal here.”

“What??”

“I’m just sayin,”
Lister lay down on his bunk and put his hands behind his head.

“We’re all just perfectly normal.”

He kicked Kryten who was standing at the foot of his bed.

“Oh yes sir…all very much normal…as normal as can be.”

Rimmer frowned.

“Have you lot been inhaling the stench of that green blob.”

“What green blob?” said Kryten.
“We don’t know anything about a green blob??”

Lister rolled his eyes again.

“Look Rimmer, I’m tryin to have a nap so can you smeg off somewhere else please.”

“Suit yourself,” replied the hologram.
“I only came in here looking for Sam.”

“Well she’s not here!” replied Lister, a little too quickly.

“We haven’t seen her for…when did he last see her Kryten?”

“Oh sir…I’d say about ummm maybe…ummm…quite a while ago I think.”

“Idiots,” said Rimmer
“I’m surrounded by idiots.”

He turned to leave but stopped when he heard a sneeze come from the cupboard.

“What was that?!?”

“It was nothin,” replied Lister.

Rimmer began to make his way towards the cupboard.

Lister jumped up and stood in front of it.

“It’s just one of the skutters, Rimmer. It’s malfunctionin, thats why I locked it in the cupboard. It’s gone bananas.”

“Move out of the way, Lister,” said Rimmer.

“Okay…but before I do…”

“Move out of the way, Lister, I won’t ask you again.”

“Fine,” said Lister, stepping aside.
“But just know that it was all Kryten’s doin.”

Rimmer opened the door of the cupboard and Sam threw her arms around his neck.

“I’ve missed you,” she whispered in his ear.

He pulled back from her.

“What happened to your lip?” he asked, barely containing his anger.

“Ummm, I slipped and fell, didn’t I boys?”

The other two had well given up on the whole cover story idea, and they just stared back at her with a wary look on their faces.

“How?” asked Rimmer, sharply.

“Umm, I slipped on the floor…there was some beer down there or something.”

“How did you cut your lip then?”

The abruptness of the hologram’s tone suggested that he already knew the answer to the question.

“Um..my face came down on the table and I accidentally put my teeth through my lip…sort of thing…”

“Interesting,” replied Rimmer.
“Especially seeing as the cut on your lip runs vertical. Do your teeth run vertical as well now?”

She gave up and just looked down at the floor.

He stared down at her and she knew he was waiting for a response, when she couldn’t give him one, he spoke.

“I’ll tell you how you cut your lip then shall I?
You cut it climbing into the ventilation shaft chasing after that green blob didn’t you?”

She nodded.

“Which was the one thing I asked you not to do!”

No fun and games now. He was seriously pissed off with her.

“But for some reason you always seem to feel the need to defy me!! I asked you…

She felt a fire build up inside her. An anger that she hadn’t even known was there suddenly sprang forth from her throat.

“You didn’t ask me though did you Arnold. You told me! Just like you tell me what else I can and can’t do on this fucking ship!”

She saw him flinch when she swore, she knew it would annoy him, which is exactly why she had done it.

“I don’t say these things for fun Sam! I’m trying to protect you!”

“Arnold, we’ve been through this! I don’t need sodding protecting!”

“Clearly you do If you are determined to participate in some hair brained scheme cooked up by these three idiots!”

“Who you calling idiot Goal-Post Head??”

“I thought you had more sense Sam, I really did. You’ve let me down today.”

“I’ve let YOU down! Fuck you! Fuck you for always thinking you know better!”

“If you swear at me like that once more…”

“I hate you!” she screamed. She didn’t even know where it had come from.

In fact she didn’t know why she had snapped at him at all.

Was it coming up to her time of the month? They’d been so unpredictable lately that she didn’t have a clue if and when they would turn up. She though it might be something to with being in deep space, she wondered if the other women on the ship had had the same problem.

The cause of her rage was either down to that, or down to the fact that she’d almost been ingested into the belly of a a stinky green monster.
That was enough to put anyone on edge.

There was an awkward silence in the room. He looked down at the floor, while she tried her level best not to cry.
After a bit she went to push past him, but he grabbed her arm and pulled her to him.

“I’m sorry,” he said as he wrapped his arms around her and kissed the top of her head.

“I don’t want a cuddle, Arnold, I’m fucking pissed off with you!!”

She began to fidget about in his arms like an angry flea.

“I know you are, and I’m sorry.”

Sam ceased her fighting and let herself be hugged.

This was a turn up for the books. This was not how their arguments usually went. He was actually saying sorry straight away rather than coming and finding her later to apologise.

‘He knows he’s being too overprotective, and he’s trying to fix it.’

“I love you,” she said into his chest.

“I love you too,” he replied, kissing and stroking her hair.

“I’m sorry I snapped, I don’t know why I did…I just…I think the whole green blob thing put my nerves on edge or something, or maybe it’s hormones, I don’t know.”

“Shhh,” he replied, in a calming manner.

“Well I guess everythin’s ok then?” ventured Lister.

“Ok?” said Rimmer, turning his head sharply in the scouser’s direction.

“You put the one person that means more to be than death itself in danger, and you should have known better. I can understand poor judgement on the front of bog bot and the cat…but you…you’re my best friend Lister, you should have been protecting her.”

“Rimmer, I know man…”

“I’m not sure I can ever forgive you,” said the hologram gravely.

“In fact, right now I can barely look at you.”

He broke away from Sam, taking her hand and leading her out of the room.

She mouthed the word ‘sorry’ to him as she was being led away.

“But Rimmer I….”

The couple left, and as the other two in the room gave him pitying looks, Lister sank down on his heels, and tried to fight off the intense emotion he was feeling.

Chapter Text

“Arnold, you can’t blame Lister!” protested Sam.

“I can and I will,” said Rimmer, as he marched her into their bedroom.

“Sit down,” he ordered, gesturing toward the bed.

She did so.

“It wasn’t even his idea! It was Kryten’s!”

“He knows what you mean to me, Sam!”

He touched her lip where the stitches were.

“I suppose Kryten did this, did he?”

She nodded.

“I might have known. He’s made a right mess of it.”

Rimmer carefully inspected the butterfly stitches, which did indeed look like they had been applied by someone with large, clumsy hands.

“Since when are you an expert on stitches? Kryten’s the one with the medical training.”

“When you have seven bells knocked out of you by your brothers and your parents refuse to take you to the hospital because they don’t want any scandal, you get fairly used to stitching up wounds,” he replied bitterly.

“Did you…?” she pointed at the scar on his jawline by way of explanation.

“Yes I did,” he said, in a very direct tone.
“But it still didn’t heal properly.”

A wave of nausea momentarily engulfed her as she tried to fend off images of a frightened little boy, staring into the mirror, fruitlessly attempting to stitch up a wound that should have warranted serious medical attention. There must have been so much blood. This thought brought bile up into her throat.

“I’m sorry,” she said quietly, not knowing why she was apologising, only knowing that it just felt like the right thing to say.

“It’s ok,” he replied softly.

“I don’t think those stitches are going to last more than a day though, so we’ll probably have to redo them tomorrow.”

He sat down on the pink pillow laden bed, accidentally knocking a stuffed penguin onto the floor as he did so.

“You didn’t have to be such a dick to Dave, you know.”

“You need to get some rest,” he said, throwing the quilt back off the bed, this time dislodging a stuffed seal and a turtle filled with beans.

“Respect much,” she glared at him, before scooping her precious items up from the floor.

“Sam, these ‘things’ take up more space in the bed than I do!”

She rearranged the stuffed toys into their rightful places on the bed, then raised a playful eyebrow at him.

“Arnold, I think you might actually be the first man in history to be jealous of a bunch of cuddly animals.”

He rolled his eyes and once more pulled the quilt back, taking care not to ‘dislodge’ any more of the damn things.

“Rest.”

It was an imperative statement, not up for debate on any level.

“At least go and speak to Dave, Arnold…he would never have meant for anything bad to happen to me.”

“You could have died in that vent, Sam!” he yelled at her, stunning her momentarily with the outburst. She’d learned a long time ago that he was quick to anger, but it still caught her off guard every now and then.

“You could have been taken from me!” he continued, a little softer, responding to the fear in her facial expression. After everything she’d been through, he never wanted to be the source of her terror. It had been bad enough when he’d broken her arm, although that had been an accident.

“He could have stopped it, Sam…He should have stopped it.”

“Arnold…please just talk to him. He’s your best friend.”

“Bed,” he ordered.

She sighed and got under the covers.

“A please would have been nice,” she grumbled.

“And btw, you need to go and give your thanks to Cat.”

He frowned at her, she knew how much it irritated him when she used text language. Good, she was annoyed at him too.

“I don’t have anything to say to him.”

“Actually you do.”

He pulled the quilt up over her and kissed her forehead.

“I’ll be back to check on you in a bit.”

“Don’t ignore me Arnold! He saved my life!”

This got Rimmer’s attention.

“He what??”

“You shouldn’t scowl like that, if the wind changes you’ll stay like it.”

“Sam??!”

She blew out a breath.

“He’s the one who pulled me free of the vent.”

“No he didn’t.”

“Umm excuse me, I was there.”

“Well you’re obviously mistaken.”

“He’s actually a hero, Rimmer.”

“He’s not a hero!”

“What are you so annoyed about?” she said, sitting up in the bed.
“Is it because he was there to save me and you weren’t?”

“That’s unfair, Sam.”

His brown eyes appeared cold to her in that moment, almost as if the warmth was draining out of them.
She knew it was unfair. She was angry at him for treating her like a child, as he often did. Even though she knew it was how he portrayed his feelings for her. It was how he ‘loved.’ And he loved nothing more than to be her hero. To be the one to save her from anything and everything that he could.

“Arnold, I’m sor…” she began, but he’d already left.

“Rimmer! Rimmer!”

Lister got up from his bunk and raced to the doorway when he noticed his friend entering the bunk room.

“Rimmer I am so…”

“Where’s Kryten?” snapped the hologram.

"I dunno…the kitchen?”

“Right!” said Rimmer, turning on his heel to leave.

“Are you not even gonna speak to me?” whined Lister, all at once hating how pathetic he sounded.

“No.”

“But Rimmer please, I feel so bad!”

“Good!” said the hologram as he left the room.

“Rimmer please!” begged Lister, wincing at the desperation in his voice. Normally Rimmer not speaking to him wouldn’t bother him in the slightest, in fact, he’d more often than not welcome such a scenario with open arms. This situation was different however. This time he knew he’d participated in something bad. He had stood by and watched one of the kindest people he’d ever known enter an extremely dangerous situation which could so easily have resulted in her death. He supposed that maybe receiving Rimmer’s forgiveness would somehow lessen the guilt currently swamping him.
“Just…talk to me…”

Rimmer came across Cat in the corridor outside the kitchen. He hadn’t exactly been avoiding the animal, but at the same time he hadn’t been looking for him either.
Cat was engaged in one of his favourite activities. Making photocopies of his bare rear end to decorate his quarters with. He glanced up from his ‘Fish Weekly’ magazine, and gave the hologram an impatient look.

“You know one of these days that glass is going to break and your lovespuds will be fried from here to kingdom come,” said Rimmer.

“I’ll be fine,” said Cat, readjusting himself on the photocopier.
“I weigh virtually nothin.”

There was silence for a bit.

“You need somethin goal-post head? Cos If not, you’re seriously crampin my style right now.”

Rimmer grimaced.

“I’m here,” he began.
“I’m here to say…thank you.”

“What was that last bit?” asked Cat, placing a hand behind his ear in a theatrical gesture.

“You heard.”

“No I didn’t! This photocopier is real loud. What was it you said?” the hand remained behind his pointed ear. Rimmer suddenly had the urge to snap it off.

“Thankyou ,” said the hologram through gritted teeth.
“Thank you for helping Sam…thank you for saving her.”

“It’s fine,” replied the other man curtly, turning his attention back to his magazine.

Despite not wanting to, Rimmer felt as if he should say something more.
This was Sam’s life, after all.

“Look, I…”

Cat glanced up again, annoyed at having been disturbed for a second time.
“I don’t really care how you feel either way goal-post head. I just wanted to hear the words I know you hate sayin. I didn’t do it for you. I did it for Sammy. And I’d do it again in a heartbeat, even if it put my life in danger. She’s somethin special.”

“I know she is,” said Rimmer, in a small voice, feeling suddenly as if he had had the proverbial wind knocked out of him. This was not the reaction he had anticipated.
He opened and closed his mouth a few times, and then when he couldn’t think of anything more to say, he stormed off down the corridor.

“Mr Rimmer?” Kryten asked cautiously when he saw the hologram enter the kitchen

He was in the process of whisking pancake batter in a bowl.

“Have you spoken to Mr Lister, sir?”

“Two things, Kryten! One, if you ever attempt to put stitches into any part of my girlfriend's body ever again, I will take that whisk and jam it into your recharge socket.

Kryten’s eyes widened substantially.

Rimmer was angry at the mechanoid for hatching such a dangerous plan, but he’d never really put much faith in Kryten when it came to anything. Aside from a couple of meaningful conversations over the years, the two had never bonded. To Rimmer, Kryten was merely a machine, and a primitive one at that. A primitive machine, capable of making colossal errors, as he had in this instance. The brunt of Rimmer’s anger was directed at Lister, who he felt had betrayed a long established trust.

“Two, tonight’s meal needs to be extra special.”

“I know what Miss Samantha likes to eat,” said Kryten smiling.
“In fact, there isn’t really much she doesn’t like to eat.”

“Extra special, Kryten!”

“I’m not entirely sure what you mean, sir?”

“Extra bacon! And make sure the pancakes are big.”

“But sir,” protested the mechanoid,
“She has a sore mouth! How is she going to eat?!”

“She’ll find a way, don’t concern yourself with that.”

Rimmer was just turning to leave when Bob bumped into his ankle.

“Get out of my way, you idiot skutter!”

The hologram went to move past the droid but it kept blocking his path, all the while spinning it’s head round as if it had malfunctioned in some way.
Time was, Rimmer would have kicked the damn thing out of the way, but Sam had formed a close attachment to this particular robot, had even painted a white stripe on its head so that the thing would be instantly recognisable to everyone else on the ship.

“Look, Sam might find you adorable, but I don’t!”

Now the skutter began deliberately running into the hologram’s feet, over and over.

“Mr Rimmer, sir, I think it might be trying to tell us something.”

As if in response to Kryten’s comment, Bob began to spin in circles.

“It’s more than likely just gone bananas, Kryten.”

“It could be Miss Samantha, sir.”

That got the hologram’s attention. His complexion seemed to pale, as impossible as that was.
He left the room in a flash, Krtyen bumbling after him and only just managing to keep up.

When the two reached the Captain’s quarters, there was no sign of Sam.

“Where’s she gone? I put her to bed!” cried Rimmer frantically.

He ran into the en-suite, and there, writhing around on the floor, was his precious angel in the grip of a seizure.

“Get a pillow, Kryten. Now!”

The mech grabbed a pillow from the bed and threw it over to the hologram, who gently placed it under Sam’s head.

“Come on darling…come on.”

The seizure didn’t seem to be showing any sign of stopping.

“If she doesn’t come round from this, Kryten…!” snarled Rimmer.
“You know as well as I do, it's the stress of today which has caused this!”

“She’ll be ok, sir…in a few moments she’ll be as right as rain. I’m sure of it.” Kryten tried his level best to sound reassuring.

“Forgive me if I’m somewhat reluctant to take medical advice from a worthless sanitation droid!”

Feeling like he could be of no further use in this situation, Kryten took a few steps back and kept his mouth shut. Inside, however, he let loose a string of pleas, begging a god he didn’t believe in for the little blonde to be ok.
After another three or four minutes of torture, the seizure abruptly stopped.
The hologram turned her over onto her side and began to rub her back with soothing gestures.

“Please come back to me, Sam. Please come back.”

Rimmer released a breath he wasn’t capable of holding when his beloved woman slowly opened her beautiful baby blue eyes.

“Oh thank god,” he said, pulling her into his arms.

“Arnold?”

“You had a seizure”, he said softly, and then continued,
“Did you hurt your head?”

He inspected the area to check for any bruising, eternally grateful for the colour of her hair. Any bruising to the scalp would show up easily through her honey blonde locks.
Although he knew full well that bruising didn't always show up right away.
This thought worried him.

“Does it hurt when I press here?” he asked, applying pressure to the back of her head.

“Dunno,” she replied sleepily.

“If she’s feeling drowsy, sir, that’s not good. She could be suffering from a concussion.”

“She’s always tired after an episode, Kryten.”

“Yes, sir, but maybe you should check her vision, just to be sure.”

Rimmer rolled his eyes at Kryten, irritated that the mechanoid thought he knew more about his girlfriend than Rimmer himself did. He knew deep down though, that checking her eyesight would be a good place to start if they were trying to diagnose a concussion.

“Sam."

“Mmm,”

She was struggling to keep her eyes open.

Rimmer shot Kryten a concerned look. The mech returned it.

“Sam, darling, I really need you to try and stay awake for me.”

She grunted.

Rimmer spoke a little more forcefully this time.

“Sam! Wake up!”

She grunted again, and made a feeble attempt to push him away from her.

“I’m not in the mood right now, Arnold, I’m too tired.”

Rimmer had always been grateful that his software didn’t permit him to blush, but he had never been more grateful for it than right now.

He turned his head to Kryten, and said weakly.
"She doesn't mean what you think she means."

“Of course, sir,” Krtyen nodded his head respectfully.

“It’s not that I didn’t enjoy that thing you did with your…”

“How many fingers am I holding up?” said Rimmer, quickly interrupting her.

“4.”

The hologram nodded, feeling reassured.

“Come on,” he said, picking her up,
“Let’s get you to bed.”

“I guess you’re not gonna give me flying lessons now,” she mumbled,
“Not after the monster…and this."

“Flying lessons?”

“Yeah, Kryten said that was gonna be my birthday surprise,” she replied, seeming more and more lucid with each word.
“You were gonna teach me how to pilot Starbug.”

“Well Kryten is an idiot,” said Rimmer, shooting the mechanoid a glare.

“With all due respect darling, I wouldn’t let you within ten feet of Starbug’s cockpit.”

“You’re a dick,” she replied.

“I think she’s going to be ok, Mr Rimmer.”

Tucking her into bed, Rimmer kissed her on the cheek and she sighed softly in response.

“I have got a birthday surprise for you,” he said, brushing her hair away from her forehead.
“But you’ll have to wait until later.”

He didn’t believe she’d heard him though, as she started to snore loudly.

Rimmer went over the evening’s plans in his head. After the big birthday dinner, he would go down on one knee and pose the question. He needed candles, soft music…something to create the right ambiance. Usually he would have drafted Lister into the task, but he was still fuming at the man’s incompetence and poor judgement.

There was always the Cat.

“No,” thought Rimmer,
“I’ll do it myself.”

Bob wheeled up and bumped into Rimmer’s foot.
The hologram looked down and noticed the droid spinning his head around.

“Alright, thank you,” he said, begrudgingly.
“Thank you for letting me know she was in trouble.”

The droid ceased spinning his head, as if he were content with the thankyou, then went and took up residence by Sam’s side of the bed. And for the first time ever, Rimmer didn’t kick him out.

Rimmer was greeted with a surprise when he returned to the bunkroom an hour or so later.
There were red cushions and red confetti spread everywhere. A lavish mahogany dining table had been acquired from somewhere and it was covered with a crisp white tablecloth. The table was adorned with fancy napkins and beautiful wine glasses. There were even some tall white candles.
Lister was in the process of lighting a candle.
The two men locked eyes.
Quickly extinguishing the match, Lister said,

“I’ll go.”

“Wait,” said Rimmer, before the other man could leave the room.

The scouser turned around warily.

“Why have you done all this?” demanded Rimmer.
“Guilty conscience?”

Lister pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed in exasperation.

“I did it cos I care about Sam, and I want her to have a nice birthday.”
He hung his arms down limply at his sides, looking utterly defeated.
“Truth be told, she’s one of the best friends I’ve ever had. She’s far too good for the likes of us. Far too good.”

“And this has nothing to do with assuaging a guilty conscience?” Rimmer asked for a second time, scrutinising the other man’s face for the sincerity he so desperately wanted to see there.

“No Rimmer, it doesn’t!” Lister’s sudden outburst filled the small bunkroom.

“I can’t take back what happened ok? It was a stupid mistake! But I’m only human Rimmer, I made a bad call and I have to live with that. So this decoration,” he said, waving his arm about the room, “has nothin to do with me tryin to make myself feel better. This is just doin somethin really nice for a really good friend. Truth is,” he stuck his hands into his pockets and stared at the ground.
“You two were proper made for each other, and I’m super chuffed you’re gettin married so…yeah…I wanted to help set the mood.”

He looked up at Rimmer.
“But if you’re gonna continue to hate me for eternity, then life on this ship is gonna get pretty annoyin. It might be a big ship Rimmer but we’re stuck in deep space here, we can’t avoid each other forever.”

When the other man didn’t reply, Lister made to leave the room. As he passed the hologram however, the other man grabbed his arm and turned him round to face him.

Lister suddenly screwed his eyes up tight.

“I’m not going to hit you, you idiot.”

Lister reopened his eyes.

“She’s just had a seizure,” said Rimmer. “A really bad one.”

The scousers mouth fell open.

“Oh my god! Is she ok!?”

“She’s fine, she’s sleeping now.”

“Rimmer…I,” Lister just couldn’t find the words to say what he wanted to say. The only word that eventually came out was,
“Sorry.”

That seems to be my word of the day, he thought.

“You put the woman I love in danger, Lister.”

“It wasn’t just me! It was Kryten as well!”

“I know…I’ve already had words with him.”

Lister said nothing, and for a long while there was an extremely uncomfortable silence.

Rimmer considered the situation. He and Lister had always had a tumultuous relationship. One minute they got on, the next they didn’t. But their friendship had weathered many storms over the years.
He wanted to forgive the man, he really did.

Upon hearing no response, Lister squeezed his eyes shut again.
“Look, if you wanna smack me one, can you just get on and do it please?”

“I’ve already told you I’m not going to hit you!”

“Well stop blockin the exit and let me leave!!”

“I can’t do that,” said the hologram soberly.

“Why the smeg not?” Lister cried, exasperated.

“Because you’ve missed a candle over there in the corner.”

Lister turned to look at what Rimmer was referring to.
A cautious smile began to creep across his face.

“You mean…We’re ok?”

“We’ll get there. But I want your complete assurance,” he said, holding up an index finger, “That you will never willingly put Sam in danger again.”

Lister shook his head furiously.
“Never again, Rimmer! That’s a promise. I’m never lettin Kryten talk me into one of his stupid schemes ever again!”
As he spoke, the scouser launched himself across the room with a sudden burst of enthusiasm and began to fish the matches out of his pocket.
“You sure she’ll be up for this?”

“It’s food, Lister.”

“Good point.”

“Can you take the wine glasses off the table though, please? I don’t want her drinking tonight.”

Lister smacked the heel of his hand against his forehead.
“Yeah man, sure, I should have thought.”

Kryten entered the bunkroom, carrying what appeared to be a ridiculously oversized syringe. Due to the scale of the thing, he was forced to carry it across his chest, almost as if it were a weapon.

“Eh Kryten, can you get rid of these wine glasses?”

“In due course Mr Lister, sir. To begin with, I must explain my theory as to how to eliminate the rancid goo monster that is currently residing in our ventilation shafts.”

“We’re all ears, Krytes,” said Lister.

“And rest assured, Mr Rimmer, this method does not require bait of any kind.”

“Good to know,” said Rimmer, with more asperity than Lister felt was necessary.

Kryten set the giant syringe down on the bunkroom table. It far outscaled the item of furniture to such a degree that he had to rest both hands on it to keep it from falling off the edge.
The instrument appeared to be made predominantly of metal, as one would expect from a syringe. But while it had a large plunger at one end, as befitting a standard syringe, the other end contained no needle. It was just a small empty hole.

“Where the hell did you get this thing from??” Cat, having no doubt awoken from a cat nap had entered the room and was now closely scrutinising the syringe, Lister assumed he was trying to ascertain whether or not the spectacle was going to be worth staying awake for.

“And what’s all this purple shit inside?” he asked, tapping a superbly manicured claw on the glass surrounding the liquid chamber.

“That, Mr Cat, is the secret ingredient.”

Kryten looked proud as punch, almost as if he had come through with a scientific breakthrough similar to the likes of Einstein or Edison.

Cat raised an eyebrow and backed away from the device, but his focus remained on it. The situation was apparently worth staying awake for.

“Would you like to know the ingredients contained in the purple solution?!”

“Not really,” replied Rimmer.

“Aww come on Rimmer, he’s worked hard on this, let him have a bit of a spotlight moment,” said Lister.

“Fine,” replied the hologram curtly.

Kryten began to reel off things that Lister had never heard of in his life before. He supposed that if he had paid more attention in his chemistry classes, he may have had more of an idea.

The mechanoid was just in the process of describing the sixth ingredient in the syringe when Rimmer slammed his hand down hard on the table, causing everyone in the room, including the Cat who was normally unfazed by the hologram’s angry outbursts, to flinch momentarily.
The hologram stood up from the table.

“Am I the only person here who feels any sense of urgency about destroying this jellified monster thing?? I, for one, do not want to spend another minute listening to bog bot drone on about chlorine related substances! So Kryten, activate the circuits in your rudimentary brain responsible for opening and closing your mouth and get the smeg on with it!!”

Everyone looked a little sheepish, especially Kryten.
He cleared his throat.

“You are quite right of course sir, I apologise for letting my ego get away with me a little bit there. It’s just…it did take me a whole two hours to build this device from scratch, with limited resources and materials…”

“Kryten…” warned Rimmer.

“Yes of course. I will now explain how I am going to put my theory into practice.”

Lister did feel a little sorry for Kryten, not sorry enough though that he would take on a bad tempered Rimmer. He’d had enough of that for one day.

“Rest assured sirs, this serum is so potent that it will destroy the entity in an instant.”

“And how are you going to administer it?” Rimmer asked impatiently.

Kryten picked the syringe up from the table and moved towards the ventilation grate in the corner of the room.

“I shall inject the serum in through this grate, and, once it comes into contact with the metal wall of the shaft, the liquid will transform into gas, which will then spread throughout the entirety of the ventilation system, successfully assassinating our problematic green blob.”

Kryten waited for some rewarding feedback, but wasn’t overly surprised when he didn’t get it.

“What happens when we breathe in the gas though, Krytes?”

“No problem there, Mr Lister. We shall simply seal ourselves off in this room and block the grate here with several pillows.”

Rimmer stared hard at the mechanoid.

“It’s not exactly foolproof, Kryten.”

“I believe it will work, Mr Rimmer.”

Kryten tried to maintain an air of confidence, but Rimmer’s death glare was especially potent today and he could feel himself withering as a result of it.

“You believed that your last plan would work as well though, didn’t you?” said the hologram.

“Come on, Rimmer,” said Lister.
“We’ve all apologised for that.”

“Fine!”
The hologram threw his hands up in the air in surrender.
“But if this all goes pear shaped! I’ll be the first one saying I told you so!”

He turned on his heel.
“I’m going to fetch Sam.”

There was silence for a while after Rimmer left, which was broken only by Cat saying.

“Am I the only one who wants to pour a gallon of milk over the consoles in the projection suite right now?"

“Is this my birthday treat?” mumbled Sam sleepily when she padded barefoot into the bunkroom and saw Kryten wielding the giant syringe.

“Kryten’s gonna inseminate me?” she continued.

“He’s not going to inseminate you, Sam,” said Rimmer,
“He’s planning on killing the monster with it.”

“Cool,” she replied casually. She’d been on the ship a fair while now, not much surprised her anymore.

Lister grabbed a couple of pillows from his bunk in preparation.

“If this goes wrong, Kryten! I am holding you personally responsible!”

“Yes, Mr Rimmer, I am fully aware of that fact.”

Lister turned his attention to the figure lurking in the doorway.

“What yer doin over there, Cat?”

“I ain’t riskin gettin no more slime on my clothin today, thank you very much!”

Lister rolled his eyes and turned back to Kryten.
“All ready to go!” he confirmed.

Kryten placed the syringe as deep into the vent as he could and then quickly pushed down on the pump. Only once the device was completely empty did he withdraw it. As soon as he had clearance, Lister jammed the two pillows over the vent.There was an eerie silence in the room, as if no one dared speak for fear their voices could somehow sabotage the plan.
Eventually Kryten spoke,

“I think it should be safe to remove the pillows now, Mr Lister.”

Lister did so, gingerly, and when it seemed fairly certain that nothing was going to leak out of the vent, said,

“I think that worked? If the…”

He was interrupted by a loud wailing noise, which caused everyone to clap their hands over their ears, so deafening was the sound.
Then there was a bubbling, sloshing sound.
Then there was nothing.

“Do you think it’s all dissolved now?” asked Sam, cautiously.

“I think so, yes,” said Kryten.

His great relief was written all over his face. It was plain to see that he’d had more than a few doubts about the effectiveness of his plan.
He once more waited for some recognition.
This time he was rewarded for his efforts.

“Nice one, Kryten,” said Sam, standing on her tiptoes and placing a soft peck on his rubber cheek.

That earned another glare from Rimmer, but this time, Kryten reasoned, it was more than worth it.

Lister spent the majority of Sam’s birthday meal shooting Rimmer impatient looks. Rimmer knew he was hassling the hologram to get on and make his proposal. But he wasn’t ready yet. He shot his friend an ‘I’m not ready yet,’ face, and was rewarded with a,‘You’re a coward,’ face.
He stopped looking at Lister.

Finally, once Sam had finished off her third dessert, he took her hand and led her round to the front of the table.

“What the hell’s he doin?” asked Cat, who was still oblivious to the imminent proposal.

Lister nudged him sharply in the ribs
“Shut up!”

“Is there more dessert?” she asked hopefully.

The moment Rimmer got down on one knee, Lister could see that Sam was now completely clued in on what was going on.

She looked frightened, which alarmed Lister.

Rimmer retrieved the ring box from his pocket.

Opening it up, he said,

“Samantha Abigail Simpson, will you do me the honour of becoming my wife?”

Those in the room who had the capacity to do so, held a breath.

Lister noticed the tremble in Rimmer’s hands, hands that were usually as steady as a rock. The hologram’s light bee was also pulsing madly, causing the lighting to flicker.

'Oh no, please don’t let him shut down in the middle of the smeggin proposal,' he thought.

Sam’s eyes widened to an impossible size, and Lister could see that she was also trembling.

“Arnold,” she said awkwardly.

“No…I…this isn’t what I want.”

Rimmer didn’t think he had ever felt so humiliated in his whole entire life and death. And that was saying something.
He’d been so sure that Sam would say yes, how could he have got it so wrong? He'd been a complete moron. He never should have listened to Lister. Why would she want to marry him? He had nothing to offer her. Suddenly his thoughts began to race. What if she no longer wanted to be with him? What if she wanted off the ship, wanted to go home to Jupiter? What would he do without her? What would he smegging do???"

An overhead light by the doorway flared suddenly.

All of sudden though, the young woman propelled herself into his arms.
“I’m just kidding! I’m just kidding!” she cried. Despite her jesting, the hologram could see tears forming in her eyes, and he could feel his own forming before fizzling out as they always did.

“For god’s sake Sam! Are you trying to destroy my light-bee?!” he gasped, wrapping his arms around her middle.

“Nothing would make me happier than becoming your wife, Arnold J Rimmer,” she whispered into his ear.

“Really?” he said, his own voice barely above a whisper.

“Really really.”

Lister felt himself tearing up a little, until the light above his head exploded, raining shards of glass down onto his head.

“Aww come on Rimmer, I washed me hair today!”

“I’m having an emotional moment here, Lister, in case you hadn’t noticed!”

“Put it on my finger!” shrieked Sam.

Rimmer did so, and was pleased to find that it fit her perfectly.

The diamonds twinkled beautifully under the overhead light.

“It suits you,” he smiled.

“Arnold I’m sorry,” she gasped.
“I’m so sorry for what I said to you.”

“It’s ok, it doesn’t matter. You’re all that matters.”

They locked gazes for a long while, and then they began to kiss.

"Ouch," cried Sam, pulling back and raising her hand to her mouth.

"I guess that's a little unromantic," she giggled.

Rimmer took her head in his hands.

"I'll focus on the other side of your mouth."

“Wow ok…that’s an intense one,” said Lister, watching the kiss unfold before him.

“I’m leavin now before my stomach throws up what it’s just eaten!” said Cat.

Lister watched the feline leave. He wasn’t so sure that it was nausea the animal was suffering from, he was more inclined to think it was jealousy. Cat had attempted to hide his feelings for Sam ever since she had arrived on the ship. Everyone knew the truth though.

A few more moments passed.

Kyten shifted uncomfortably.
“Do you think we should leave them be at this point, Mr Lister, sir? I’m afraid I’m not really sure of the protocol for engagement parties.”

“To be honest, Krytes, I think they’ve forgotten we’re even here.”

As they headed for the door, however, Sam suddenly broke away from Rimmer’s embrace.

“What’s the matter, darling?” said Rimmer, still paranoid that she was going to change her mind.

"Kryten!" she called out.

“Yes Miss, what is it?” The mechanoid was by her side in an instant.

“Is there any more of the Eton Mess?”

Rimmer’s grin widened. It was a true and genuine grin, which was still a somewhat alarming thing to behold, but Lister was slowly becoming more and more used to it.

“Yes miss,” replied Kryten affectionately.
“I believe there is.”