Chapter Text
Adam’s sleep schedule had been on and off the last two days. Adam had kept replacing the ice around Ronan’s body, so that he was fine down there. It melted faster than Adam though it would.
He would need more ice soon.
He hadn’t left the house since he got Ronan. He was fine with sitting down there with him for hours on end for now. Adam could ignore the signs that told him none of this was okay, that this wasn’t going to work.
It was easy to just stare at him. Ronan looked sickly, no he looked dead. He was dead. It wasn't a funeral dead, he didn’t look nice like Adam’s aunt had at her funeral. Ronan looked like he had just been dug up.
He had just been dug up. That was still hard to grasp, that he had brought Ronan to the Barns and now Adam was tasked to bring his lover back.
He wasn’t prepared.
Ronan still wore his suit, it was disgusting now, the mud that had been smeared on the back of it was dried and made a mess of the floor around the table.
Adam told Ronan he would take care of it. He hadn’t.
He kept the key to the basement on him at all times. He swore it would burn a hole in his pocket every time he put it back in its place. It hadn’t yet, Adam was just paranoid.
It was a horrible feeling.
He was almost never sick, so he wasn’t used to the constant feeling that he was going to throw up any minute. He took multiple things to stop the nausea, nothing worked.
Even with Ronan back at the Barns, it felt so empty, so quiet and almost hollow. Things were still missing.
Adam hadn’t seen anyone else for a while. That wasn’t how things normally were. Mathew and Declan used to come to The Barns after mass and would leave after lunch. Opal would run around and bring them things that she would find, from bolts to mice she caught. Adam could still hear the thump thump of her hooves against the wood if he listened hard enough.
So the Barns was completely silent.
That was why the doorbell ringing at 11:27 on a Saturday startled him so bad. Adam didn’t even know the doorbell could be heard from the basement.
He had been staring at Ronan, running a hand over his buzz cut when they came to the door. Adam rushed upstairs, almost forgetting to lock the door behind him as he left and peaked out the window to see who it was.
Blue, Gansey, Henry, and Noah stood at the door like they had before. Adam thought about hiding away in the master bedroom but Gansey waved at him from the door. Adam cursed under his breath and slowly went over to open the door.
Gansey pulled him into a hug as soon as the door was open. It threw Adam off; he let out a small laugh at it.
“It feels like ages since we’ve seen you Adam, you still look like you haven’t been sleeping, what did I tell you”
“Sorry”
Adam hugged back lightly and pulled away. Gansey had never been one for hugs.
“What are you guys doing here, do you need something”
“We came here to check up on you, just to make sure that everything was okay”
Gansey smiled at him. They all had grocery bags in their hands, Henry squeezed past Adam without being let in. Adam could hear the bags being set down in the kitchen.
“I figure we can make you dinner and just make sure you were okay”
Adam swallowed hard, he smiled at them. His heart was racing a million miles an hour. He could hear the thump thump of Ronan’s non beating heart from the basement.
“Yeah, that’s fine, I didn’t have anything planned to eat, so you can make anything, I think there are eggs and beef somewhere”
Adam followed Gansey to the kitchen. He sat down at the island as he watched Gansey look at the ingredients that were already in the cabinet and the things he was going to put in there. Adam folded his bandages hand on the counter without thinking about it.
Noah sat next to him, Adam had to force himself not to make any noise of disapproval.
“What happened to your hands”
“Dug up all the dead flowers in the front, got blisters from it”
It wasn’t a complete lie, he had dug up the flowers. Noah hummed, it was the kind of hum that told you Noah knew you were lying. He wouldn't pry though, he just hoped it would tumble out of you if you let him stare for long enough.
“You should have worn gloves, that would have helped”
“I did wear gloves, just not good ones I guess, they’ll heal soon enough, blisters aren’t deadly or anything”
Noah shrugged. He moved closer to Adam, he was a little more inside of Adam’s bubble than he would have liked but he let him, just for today.
“Remember, if you need anything I’m here okay, it doesn’t matter what it is”
“Thanks Noah”
He had the sudden urge to cry. He blinked back the tears that were forming in his eyes and smiled at Noah. Maybe he should tell Noah about what he did. Noah would understand, they could fix this together.
It felt like something sharp stabbed him in the brain. Adam gasped and pressed his palm into his temple. Noah gently touched his wrist, when Adam could open his eyes again, Noah was looking him up and down.
“Are you okay”
No.
“Yeah, I’ve been getting really bad migraines lately, I just need a Tylenol or something, sorry”
Noah stopped touching him and sat back. Adam wished he would hug him, if Noah hugged him he would tell him everything. The heartbeat under the floorboards got louder by the minute.
“Damn, I would think the doctor would have gotten something to quit having headaches completely, if I was a doctor I would give myself something to never have a headache again”
“You technically are a doctor Noah, you have a doctorate”
Noah laughed, he rolled his eyes at Adam.
“You knew what I meant, it’s not the same thing”
Noah looked at him again. Like he already knew. Adam hated it, he had to place his head on the counter to just make it stop. He just wanted it all to stop.
Adam could hear Noah’s chair scrape against the floor, a hand patted him on the back. Adam heard footsteps fading, and Noah was gone. Adam didn’t look back up.
A thud in front of his face startled him, Noah had come back without Adam hearing him. When Adam’s head snapped up he saw the glass of water and two small oval pills in front of him.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you”
“You’re fine”
Adam picked up the pills and popped them in his mouth, he took a swig of water and sat the glass back down. They weren’t going to do anything for Adam.
“I-I know that you have been struggling, which is fine, it’s normal to mourn when someone you love dies, I’ve been struggling too, but I really think you should talk about how you’re feeling, it doesn’t even have to be to me, trust me it helps”
Noah looked at him like he knew that Ronan was done in the basement, it pissed Adam off slightly, he hoped he wasn’t showing it on his face”
“Okay, I might do that, I’ll think about it okay”
“Okay, good”
Noah smiled, Adam could see through it. He hoped he wasn’t as transparent as Noah was just then.
“Have you done anything recently, you can’t just sit in the house all day, it’s not good for you”
“I went to the store one day, I go back to work this week”
Noah’s face scrunched up. He nodded his head, but didn’t say anything else for a while. He stood up and patted Adam in the back.
“Okay”
Noah got closer to Adam so that only Adam could hear what he was about to say.
“et fere magna satis est audire”
It’s almost loud enough to hear.
Noah walked away from Adam. Adam felt his blood run cold. He went to the cabinet and took two Dramamine, just to ease his mind. He needs something much stronger than that. He didn’t know how to longer he was leaning against the cabinet, but Gansey eventually moved him aside so he could cook.
“You okay Adam”
“I don’t know”
He glared at Noah, who walked back in with Blue and Henry. He looked over and gave his best smile to Adam as if nothing had happened.
“Is something going on, you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but I just want to make sure you’re okay”
Adam leaned closer to Gansey as Noah walked past him.
“No, Noah is just worried about me, it’s getting kind of annoying with how much he’s trying to do his therapist stuff, y’know what I mean”
“Yeah, I talked to him about Ronan not too long ago, it helped me, but I get that you don’t want to talk about him, this stuff takes time, I think he just want to make sure that you know he’s here for you”
Blue touched Gansey’s elbow as she squeezed past them to get to the helping of food. Adam genuinely couldn’t figure out if it was his heart beating so hard or if it was coming from under the floorboards.
“I think he’s being a little different to me, I don’t know how to explain it, maybe he’s just worried”
“That’s reasonable, you’re mourning, he’s allowed to be worried about you, you’re allowed to mourn, Noah’s just being Noah, he’ll chill out in a few months”
Adam shrugged. He looked at his feet, tried to look through the floorboards to see Ronan. He heard Gansey sigh and walk by him to grab a plate.
“Make sure you grab something and come join us at the table okay, I would hate for you not to eat anything okay”
Adam nodded. He swallowed the small bit of puke that came up from his throat. He glanced at the food on the counter. He sighed and piled small amounts of food onto a plate. He hadn’t been hungry and he wasn’t really now. After he was done fixing his depressing looking plate he sat down with everyone else.
Gansey had already thrown himself into talking about whatever he had started to look into since Glendower, Adam forgot about it every time that Gansey mentioned it and was lost every time he talked about it. Adam kind of felt bad about it. He wasn’t sure he actually cared about it at the end of the day.
Of course Noah was interested in it, they were talking about it while Adam sat with his chin resting in his hand. He tried to listen to what they were talking about. All he could hear was thump thump thump from under his chair.
Why does his heart not stop beating? Why does it not stop?
Before his confession of, yes, yes, Ronan is down in the basement, tear down the basement door and find him there. Blue touched him on the arm and squeezed lightly.
“You spaced out Adam”
The heartbeat was so soft, Adam shouldn’t have been able to hear it with his deaf ear, but he could hear it as clear as day, it was louder than the ringing bells in a church at noon. Louder than a baby wailing in a library. Thump, thump, thump.
“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t notice”
Thump, thump, thump. The sound echoed around in his head. Filled the space with something other than the thought that Ronan was coming home to him.
Could they all hear the heartbeat too? Was it as unbearable for them as it was for him?
“You’re fine, I was just making sure you were still with us”
For a moment the only noise was the steady thumping of Ronan’s heart from the basement. “So am I mad”? Adam thought as the dreaded heart beat continued. Adam prayed his friends would hear no cry for them to come rushing to, he prayed he wouldn’t fall to his knees and shout “pull up the boards and you shall see” followed by a shout of “why does his heart not stop beating”.
Adam wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he failed Ronan. If he didn’t give Ronan a second chance.
“Sorry, I feel like I don’t know how to function correctly, I’m really trying, I’m sorry”
Gansey sat his fork down and shook his head. Adam could still hear the damn heartbeat.
“I know you’re trying, I’m glad you are, things will start going back to normal soon, maybe hopefully”
Thump, thump, thump. It was such an ugly noise, Adam might shove his fingers in his ears and rip out his eardrums. Finally becoming fully deaf.
“I can’t imagine that”
Louder and louder, thump, thump, thump.
Noah hadn’t quit looking at him all dinner, Adam could feel his breath begin to become labored. He could feel Noah and Gansey’s eyes bearing into his soul. They knew, they had to know.
“I miss Opal, I didn’t really even know how much I missed her until her and Ronan were gone, maybe that should be our next goal, finding Ronan’s soul like Glendower”
“I think that’s different Gansey, and you know that”
Blue touched Gansey’s arm and rubbed her thumb against his wrist. It wasn’t different, Adam knew it wasn’t different. They were just the same. Ronan could come back to them, he knew.
“You’re right, I know it’s just, I can hope y’know, it’s stupid of me to think that way, I just miss him”
Gansey whipped a tear from his eyes. Adam longed to tell him they would have him back, he was coming back to them, but he couldn’t get the words to come out. Something stopped him from doing anything, from saying anything.
Adam still felt sick to his stomach.
“It’s not like we’re just going to forget about Ronan, he’s with us in spirit”
Noah continued his foot tapping, two quick taps of an eighth note. It matched the beating under the floor. Thump thump, thump thump. He smiled at Gansey then looked at Adam.
“Yeah, it’s almost like he’s here with us right now, don’t you think so Adam”
Adam swallowed and avoided Noah’s eyes.
“No, I don’t really understand what you’re saying, maybe I’ll get it one day”
Blue stood up then. Adam thought she was done talking about Ronan, Adam thought about doing the same, but then she came back with two plates. She sat them down in Ronan and Opal’s places, then sat back down in her seat.
“I think they would appreciate that, I’m not gonna put food on the plates but, it’s just symbolic”
Adam hadn’t talked to Blue. He felt like she should have known Ronan was going to die that day. The veil was a thing right? Didn’t Blue go to the opening with her Maura or whatever?
“Blue, did, did you know that, about Ronan”
Blue looked up and then it hit her what Adam had asked. Her eyes got bigger then she softened.
“No, I didn’t go this year, we were in Cancun, my mom didn’t say anything about Ronan, she might have known, she probably knew, I don’t know Adam”
“It’s okay”
It was okay. Ronan's death didn’t matter anymore.
“None of us could have guessed it, it’s fine, really, I can’t be mad at you or anything”
Blue smiled at him. Louder and louder, thump thump rang in his ear. He was going crazy.
“Are you going to eat any more Adam, if not I can put the food in your fridge”
Thump thump, thump thump.
“You can put it up, I’m not feeling that great”
Gansey began to put away everything in the kitchen. Blue joined him. That left just him and Noah again. Noah didn’t look up at him. He typed something on his phone. Adam went back and forth between looking out the kitchen window and looking at Noah.
“What, are you okay”
Adam didn’t respond, he didn’t have anything to say really. What was he supposed to say to Noah.
“Yeah, you’re the one who keeps insisting I’m not okay, I’ve already told you how I feel about it”
“I thought that maybe you were ready to talk about, whatever has been bugging you, whether that’s Ronan or something else I don’t know, I didn’t say I was here for you just because, I said it because I think you need to say something and I just wanted you to feel comfortable with talking to me”
Adam laughed, Noah continued the thumping of his foot.
“I feel like your pressuring me, I don’t want to talk about Ronan, I’m definitely not talking to you about him”
“Why not”
Noah’s voice was softer.
“I don’t remember a time where I couldn’t have helped you, I can help you now, I can help you sort out your feelings”
Adam was quiet for a moment. He didn’t want to talk to Noah. He didn’t want everyone else to be in his house. He wanted to go downstairs and be with Ronan. He wanted to go back to work in a few days and begin gathering all of the things he needed to bring him back. He wanted Noah to go away.
“Why should I trust you”
Noah looked taken back. He sank down in his chair and took a deep breath. He blinked and didn’t say anything for a while. He abruptly stopped the heartbeat he was creating against the floor. Adam could feel his own stop with it.
“Cur arbores confidis”
Why should you trust the trees?
“Tu scis quod de amicis meis epularer”
You know nothing about my friends. Adam meant it, meant it as much as every I love you he had ever said to Ronan. Noah scanned his face. They were whispering now, making sure no one could hear them.
“Ne dimittas de re, verum amici ne terrent te”
Don’t let go of reality, real friends don’t scare you. Adam sat on Noah’s words for a minute. He could feel his own heart beat faster.
“Vivo equidem ut es, ambit me idem quod tu, non solum aliter vivere”
I am living in reality as you are, it surrounds me the same as you. We just live it differently.
Noah shook his head and stood up. Thump thump, thump thump. Noah walked towards the living room where everyone else was, he turned back halfway and spoke to Adam. This time with no riddles in Latin, only true words from Noah. Almost like the Noah he used to know.
“I hope you know what you’re doing, because I can’t figure it out, you’re reality is flawed, you’ll wake up soon”
Noah turned them and left him sitting in the kitchen. He could hear Blue and Gansey laugh in the living room. The steady thumping under the floor continued even when everyone was gone.
Adam looked at the picture of Ronan on the fridge, he leaned against the wood counters, the sharp edge dug into his back. It was comforting. He didn’t dare to move closer to the fridge, didn’t dare to move towards the living room. He just sat and stared at Ronan.
“You’ll be back, Noah is just being stupid, don’t listen to him okay”
Adam could barely hear himself say it. Ronan definitely couldn’t hear it from the basement. Maybe it was just for himself. He wrapped his arms around himself and stood in the kitchen. Staring at the fridge.
Blue eventually came in to get him. It pissed him off, Blue had never pissed him off before. She made him come to the living room. Adam didn’t listen to the conversation.
Of course Noah continued his foot tapping as everyone talked. It took everything in Adam to not do something about it. Instead he spaced out and thought of a world where Ronan was back.
A world that was coming to him soon.
“We’re visiting California sometime soon so that I can see where he went missing, even though it looks different today than it did when the kids went missing”
Adam didn’t know how long they were there and he didn’t know how long he had spaced out for, but eventually everyone stood up. They said their goodbyes, except for Noah.
He held his hand out to Adam, Adam just stared at it.
“C’mon, we’re going to sit in the field, I have something to show you”
It was cloudy outside the Barns, rain clouds that hadn’t begun to cry yet. Noah laid down on the grass and patted beside him. Adam sat down and thread his fingers in the moist grass.
“Look at the clouds, I have a story to tell you”
Adam looked and stared. Noah began talking after a while.
“The Pueblo Indians believe that when you die you become a rain cloud, it’s part of a cycle, they give in their life and they give in their death, their spirits continue to help everyone even when they’re gone, give and take”
Adam’s throat was closing once again, there was no way Noah didn’t know. Adam wasn’t going to say anything.
“I don’t know anything about Irish death beliefs, probably just heaven because they’re mostly catholic, but I like to believe that Ronan is a rain cloud, maybe one above us right now, he would think that was stupid wouldn’t he”
“I think he would say it was, but he would actually think it’s really pretty, he’s like that y’know”
Noah was quiet for a minute before he nodded, Adam didn’t see it, he only guessed. They were silent again, Adam could feel the second it turned from a comfortable silence to a dense silence.
“I don’t mean to make you wary of me, I think that’s what I’m doing, I’m just looking out for you is all”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about”
Noah hummed. Adam could ignore it all, he would ignore it all. Noah wasn’t going to stop Adam from doing what he wanted to do, Noah couldn’t make him do anything.
“I’m not physic or anything, I’ve never been, I just have a strong feeling when things are going wrong, and I know you just lost Ronan, but something else is going on with The Barns, I’m not just worried about you, mostly you”
Adam was tired of talking like this, he liked the cloud story a lot more. That didn’t hit close to reality as the conversation they were having now. Adam didn’t want to mourn someone who was going to be with them anyways.
“I have a feeling it’s because the guy who made most of the shit in The Barns is not here”
“No”
Adam could tell Noah was really trying to keep calm. He wasn’t becoming mad at Adam, Noah was never mad, he was irritated. Let him become irritated, let him lose the cool demeanor that he always had. Adam wanted to see Noah become someone he didn’t know, he wanted a reason that Noah would understand why Adam didn’t want him at The Barns. One he would listen to.
“You know what I’m talking about Adam”
“I’m afraid I don’t”
Noah continued not looking at him, Adam could hear his breath. He thanked god it wasn’t in the same rhythm as his foot tapping from earlier.
“I’m not physic, despite what you guys think, I just can sense when something’s not right, it’s not just the feeling of grieving either, it’s something heavier, I didn’t know that was possible”
Noah grabbed his wrist and lightly pressed his thumb into the soft part below his hand. Just to make sure Adam was listening.
“You’re lying to me Noah, so I’m not going to tell you anything that’s going on, nothing is going on, so drop it”
Noah went to go speak again, but Adam cut him off before anything could come out.
“I meant it Noah, drop it, I’m fine, The Barns will be fine, everything is going to be okay, I’m just grieving, I just lost my fiancée and now I’m trying to live without him, sorry I’m not functioning like I fucking used to, I’m probably depressed or something, things don’t change over night”
Oh but they had. He could feel the wind change and a new leaf turn over. Things changed overnight without anyone else knowing, except maybe Noah. Adam was convinced Noah didn’t really know anything. He knew about the trees and he knew about the basement. Did he truly know the extent of it all?
No. No he didn’t.
Adam had the upper hand in this situation and he refused to give it up just for a few sympathy words and threats in Latin. He wasn’t letting Noah stop him from getting Ronan back.
“You think you understand what’s going to happen Adam, I know your smart, please just listen to me, audi meum latinum, non latinum de arboribus qui non loqui debent”
Listen to my Latin, not the Latin of trees who shouldn’t speak. Noah’s Latin was poorly practiced. If you listened close enough you knew it was the words of a man who didn’t understand it. He only spoke it. The trees were the embodiment of Latin.
“Latin is Latin, and I choose to listen to who I please, I don’t even know how you know about them”
“You’re listening to the wrong one Adam, just think on it okay, please just think real hard about all of this, we can fix anything you’ve done to this point, you’ll be lost if you get too far”
Of course Noah ignored his last statement.
“I’m done talking to you, get away from the Barns Noah, I’m fine”
Noah laughed.
“Not much southern hospitality today huh, that’s fine”
Noah didn’t move to get up. If anything he settled more into his spot in the grass.
“I just wanted to say I think you should go on an antidepressant, I’m not trying to make you upset or anything, I just think you’ll benefit from it, especially Olanzapine, I think that will-“
“You think I have Depressive Psychosis”
Noah was silent for a minute, almost shocked. Like he had forgotten Adam was a doctor, like he had forgotten that Adam understood what he was saying. Noah stuttered when he tried to speak again.
“U-uhm, I just think you’d benefit from it Adam, I’m just trying to help you”
“You can prescribe me Olanzapine all you want, I’m throwing them in the trash the minute I get the chance to, you’re probably right about the depression Noah, but Psychosis, you didn’t think this fucking conversation through did you”
Who was he? Adam didn’t know why he reacted that way. He should have just shrugged it off, he should have ignored it.
“I-I wasn’t even thinking of, I just, you should probably be on something Adam, it’s okay for people to be on an antidepressant”
“That’s not why you want me to take Olanzapine though, is it”
Noah didn’t react, he didn’t answer. Adam was getting tired of this, he didn’t want Noah here.
“What, say it Noah, you’re implying it already, go ahead, just say I’m crazy, I don’t know how to fucking live with myself because my other half is fucking dead, and you’re calling me crazy”
“I-I wasn’t meaning to-“
Noah had shrunk into himself. He was trying to hide away, but was failing. Adam continued.
“Sorry I’m grieving, I’m sorry I struggle to get up in the morning because I know Ronan isn't outside feeding the goats or the chickens, I’m sorry I forget that Opal isn’t running around outside, I don’t know how to fucking live with myself and you’re calling me crazy”
“I didn’t want this conversation to go this way”
Noah was sitting up, his eyes fixated on his hands. He picked at his fingers, an old habit Adam had sworn Noah had broken.
“Well it did Noah, how else was it supposed to go, telling someone they should be on a psychotic probably isn’t going to go smoothly”
“It’s not just for what you’re thinking, sometimes it’s given to people with severe depression, I think you would benefit from it, and consoling would also help you, that’s all I’m trying to do Adam”
Adam scoffed. He could feel the presence push against his skull. The trees had quieted, but they were still with him every step of the way, they were still with him now. They knew that Noah wasn’t going to help him. Adam knew that too.
“You’re just being a burden, I don’t want to talk Noah, I’m done saying that, I’m going back to the Barns”
Adam didn’t see Noah leave, he didn’t hear the back door slam shut. He knew that Noah was gone though. Could feel the stare he always seemed to have pointed at Adam’s head stop. The heartbeat continued with everyone gone.
Adam ignored it to his best ability.
So he stood at the top of the stairs longer for a while. He counted the minutes but lost tech after a while. The quiet ticking from the grandfather clock kept the time for him. Adam had mistaken it for the beating of Ronan’s heart.
Adam remembered what Noah had said, it’s almost loud enough to hear. It was loud enough to hear. Thump thump. He felt sick. His dinner could come up any minute.
Adam stepped down onto the first step. A can fell over somewhere, Adam jumped out of his skin. He reached to the side of his and flicked on the light. Nothing happened.
Adam took another slow step, he breathed quickly. His stomach already tied in knots, his eyes straining to see.
‘Doctor, Greywarren’
Adam’s heart stopped at the sound of the voices. He hadn’t heard them in so long. The trees had left him alone. He balled his hands into fist and continued to walk. Something in the back of his mind let out a curt laugh. He couldn’t save himself from any of this, that’s why they were laughing. He was stuck.
The next step creaked as he stepped on it. He jumped but calmed down when he realized nothing was happening, that he was okay. He could do this.
Then he realized nothing could happen to him. They couldn’t hurt him, they could just haunt every aspect of his life until he finally gave in to his fear. He continued down the stairs with a newfound confidence, one he didn’t know he had in him.
“Mistake”
It was whispered very quietly. Adam ignored it, he didn’t care enough to listen to the trees right now. He only cared about Ronan.
Slipping the key off of his neck he stuck it into the doorknob and swung the door open. Ronan still laid there, the same as ever.
“I’m back Love”