Chapter Text
39.
“You’re giving up.” She spoke solemnly, staring at him with a sad expression.
Eren stared around him at the Paths. He was back - yet again. The teen lowered his body to the ground, staring at the sandy grains in defeat. The sound of screams still rang in his ears and he trembled. The thudding of titans echoed closely. Eren’s breath hitched as he saw the image of the small boy get crushed. It was imprinted in his mind, playing mercilessly on repeat.
He was trapped in his nightmares.
There was no escaping the memories when the floodgate opened. The feelings of self-loathing increased with each replay. Bitterness filled his heart and he tasted the blood in his mouth.
“Your body grows weaker.” Ymir continued softly. “It has the strength to heal but… you don’t want to heal… I can’t help you with this. I can only keep your soul afloat here for a bit longer.”
Eren continued breathing unevenly, rubbing his wet eyes roughly. The images would not disappear. They were seared in his brain with no hope of erasure. The memories kept replaying again and again.
“Why…why are you giving up?” She asked. “I gave you a second life… why waste it?”
Eren felt his shoulders shake at the question - a second chance - Monsters did not deserve a second chance. He had ended lives - in numbers so great it was unfathomable - He made warfare look like child’s play. He had no right to entertain a second life - a happy one.
“How…” Eren questioned, staring at his hands.
He destroyed everything he touched.
His hands were cursed.
It was the same hands - his body was the same and it was those hands that he held to his lips and bit into his flesh - the hands he sliced open to transform - the hands he grabbed his best friend with and hurt him. He recalled Armin’s shattered expression - blue eyes lit in pain as he left him behind.
“How do I live… knowing I hurt so many?” Knowing I killed so many.
He looked up at the blue skies.
“How do I live… knowing I killed Halil? He’s… he was… a kid… the same age as-”
His breath hitched.
Eren shook his head. “I wanted to live… back then… I…”
“Do you want to die?” Ymir asked, voice soft.
She knelt down next to him and pressed a hand to his wet cheek.
“Truly? I do not want you to suffer. I wanted happiness for you when I sent you out into this world. Do you wish to end it, because I can let you pass, peacefully with no chance of revival.”
Eren’s eyes widened.
No Revival.
Eternal rest.
He hadn’t given it much thought. Since his arrival in the new world - it had been chaotic. Every day was a struggle and he had been buried under threats of danger - with his identity of Phantom.
He had forgotten who Eren was - what Eren stood for - what crimes Eren Yeager committed.
Did Eren Yeager deserve a second chance?
“I…”
Ymir lifted her hand.
“Do not decide on impulse. I will keep your soul afloat here, for as long as I can. Do you want to keep living? Do you have a reason to keep living? Think about it and make your choice, whichever decision you will regret the least.”
Her voice drifted and she disappeared, leaving him alone with his thoughts and the sounds of crashing waves. Eren closed his eyes and fell back against the sand, mind filled with thoughts.
The grains of sand felt warm beneath his fingertips. The teen opened his eyes and stared up at the blue sky. He inhaled sharply, feeling the presence of another individual. Eren sat up warily, eyes landing on his visitor. His eyes filled with tears as he was met with warm understanding. A light smile played on the other’s face, blond hair fluttered in the wind, landing over his deep sea-blue eyes.
“Hi Eren,” his best friend greeted softly.
He knelt down next to him, legs crossing as he took a seat on the sand. Eren stared at the sight of his best friend. He didn’t think he would see him again. The last time had seemed final.
“Why…” He cleared his dry throat. “Why am I here?”
“The Founder wants you to be happy.”
The teen scoffed.
His best friend pressed a hand to his shoulder. “I want you to be happy. I think…” He paused, staring at the ocean. “I think you're building a life.”
Eren shook his head stubbornly. “It’s fake.”
Armin turned to him with thoughtful eyes. “All of it?”
Eren shrugged. “They will all leave me anyways if they learned the truth. They don't probably care that much. They're busy with their own lives. They'll forget me in time. Ymir gave me a choice and I don't deserve to keep going."
“You don't know peoples hearts well, Eren. You didn't back then and you still don't know now." His friend spoke with a sad gaze. "It’s not about what you deserve and don’t deserve but what you decide to do, Eren. Stay here and rest eternally or go out there and do good.”
Eren turned away from his friend. The teen sighed heavily, his grip tightening in comfort.
“You are haunted by Before and there is a war happening within you.” Armin spoke. “You want to live but you feel that you don’t deserve to live. You wish to be punished for your crimes and you want forgiveness.”
His friend watched a group of fish swim by.
Eren swallowed thickly at his words.
“I hurt many people.”
“You killed many people,” his friend corrected, voice gentle.
Eren closed his eyes tightly. “Yeah, yeah I did.”
“There is no undoing what you did.”
“I…know…”
"The dead are gone Eren and they won't come back."
"I...I know..."
He had no words to offer.
I’m sorry felt terribly inadequate. The dead were gone and they would not return. The blood was spilled and an entire population was annihilated. There was no repentance to be had. A lifetime of apologies was insufficient.
The ground began to shake terribly. The sea crashed violently and boulders tumbled downwards from the hills. The teens looked behind them at the wreckage in alarm. The Paths were falling apart. Armin turned to him with wide eyes, kneeling down in the sand, he grabbed his friend’s shoulder tightly.
“Eren, we don’t have much time.”
The pair stood up hurriedly.
Eren looked at him through wet eyes.
The ground began to splinter beneath them.
Armin yelled to be heard over the cacophony of noise.
“If the Paths fall, your chance to revive is gone. They are splintering because you are breaking within yourself.”
Eren stared at his best friend bewildered.
Armin grabbed his arm and shoved him away from the cracked earth, towards the chaotic sea.
“Find it!” he yelled, his voice growing fainter.
Eren’s feet touched the cold waters. He stared at the ominous waves in fear. They were harsh and unwelcoming. A tumultuous storm that reflected his inner being.
“Find what?” Eren yelled as he stumbled.
He watched in fear as his best friend began fading.
“Find your reason to live!”
He fell into the dark waters with a sharp gasp.
It was dark and cold. His vision blurred as he adjusted to being underwater. He gazed around him watching as the earth continued to splinter in the ocean. A strange sound filtered through and he turned his head to it. A faint light flickered deeper in the waters. Eren swam down desperately, heading to the light.
The noise grew louder.
Eren’s eyes widened in shock.
A scene played in front of him like a movie.
He saw a small scruffy boy seated at a rusty wooden table, frowning at a large book. The dirty furnishings spoke of an impoverished life. The boy lifted his head, face becoming visible. Large hazel eyes and a small cherubic face appeared in the dim light. The small face held an expression of fear. The kid grabbed the book and hid in the kitchen cupboard. A large man came into the picture, stomping and spitting angrily. He opened the fridge, grabbing a bottle. The man paused, eyes narrowing as he eyed the table. His hazel eyes slid to the kitchen cupboard and he ripped it open. The small boy cowered and the man spoke angrily, voice inaudible. He grabbed the little boy, pulling him out roughly. The kid struggled and cried as he was dragged away.
The scene faded.
Boulders fell into the water, adding danger to his search.
Eren looked into the darkness. The light faded. He swam away, mind racing in thought.
The young boy was familiar. He was family. The scene felt so real and visceral. He was certain.
It was a memory.
Another light flickered further down. It was coming from the cracks within the Paths. Eren swam deeply, going into the fissures in the stones.
The scene displayed a different image. It was a dark and gloomy warehouse. The teen heard the sounds before he saw the gruesome sight. Laying on the floor, alone and broken, heaving in pain was a teen, tied at his wrists and ankles as the clown stood over him, brutally beating him with a crowbar. The Joker made his way leisurely out of the warehouse and the teen crawled in desperation towards the exit. His gaze turned to the timebomb and his expression became resigned as the timer reached its final count.
The memory flickered out.
Eren swam away, his heart lodged in his throat.
What was that?
He had never been more glad to kill the Joker.
Eren followed the light to the next scene.
A large spacious empty manor displayed a scrawny kid with wide blue eyes running to the bathroom. He heaved the contents of his stomach, small arms shaking in exertion. The boy leaned against the walls of the dark bathroom and began to cry. The teen watched the boy cry and he felt his hand reach forward. His eyes grew wide at his action and he withdrew. It wasn’t his place. The kid continued to cry until he passed out on the cold bathroom floor, skin perspiring, black hair matted to his face and small body shivering. No one came to help him.
Tim.
He knew with certainty.
He’d recognize those blue eyes anywhere.
Eren swam deeper to the next memory.
He watched in horror as Adam returned from school, to find his mother passed out with needles sticking out of her arms. The boy ran forward and shook the woman in desperation. She remained unresponsive, unmoving. He watched the ambulance arrive, adults shaking their heads at the small boy. She was dead. He watched Adam return to an empty home, day after day. He watched the boy go hungry for weeks. He watched the child slip into the shadows and begin to steal, to eat, to survive. He watched him fall, bleed, and run in palpable fear.
Eren felt a burning in his chest.
Was his little boy eating?
He hoped he was warm.
The memory faded.
The new scene showed a cemetery. It rained heavily and the skies crackled with lightning. Eren stared at a grave and watched as a hand broke through the ground. A figure pulled themselves out of the burial site. The figure pulled at their hair and screamed in raw pain. The boy fell to his knees and he stared at the ground, at the etchings on his tombstone. In memory of Jason Todd.
The memory faded.
Eren felt his oxygen supply begin to plummet. He swam deeper as another scene played before him.
He watched as a familiar skinny young teen filled shoes that were much bigger than his own. He watched as Timothy Drake placed himself in danger, day after day, uncaring for his own safety. He watched him lose sleep, fight nightmares, and return to an empty manor with cold walls. The teen sat in the same bathroom from his childhood and he patched his painful injuries. He sat cross legged surrounded by used bandages and he leaned against the wall, and he began to cry.
Eren swallowed thickly as the pieces fell into place.
The teen fought against the burning in his eyes. It wasn’t over yet. A bright light - brighter than ever before flashed before him. He watched as the scene played in front of him and he felt his heart fill with yearning. He watched in bewilderment. It was not a memory. It was the present.
Eren watched the scene.
Tim was seated on a large bed, one arm thrown over a small familiar boy who curled into his side, fast asleep. The teen was tapping away on his laptop. Jason sat in a chair, eyes narrowed at a tablet and he occasionally paused to look over at the small child - Adam.
Their words filtered through in fragments.
… Will find him … family … will not stop … promise … Eren …
The image faded and the light disappeared.
Eren was shrouded in darkness.