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Chapter Text

As advised by his manager, Javier called Yuzuru after the free skate. His wording had been a little strong in the segment he’d recorded for Eurosport, his manager told him, apparently he’d dissected his former training mate ‘un poco mas brutal’. Javier hadn’t even realized it at the time, too caught up in explaining the technical aspects of the sport he loved, and which many of his compatriots made rather light fun of – always a sore spot for him. For his demonstration, Javier chose Yuzuru - not without a measure of satisfaction, of course, to point out how things can go wrong during jumps. He saw no problem with it at the time, too self-importantly caught up in the moment. As he watched it afterwards however, he could see what his manager was getting at and he even cringed a bit. He had not been very coherent – somehow always a problem of his when speaking in public – and it sounded as if he was lording it over Yuzuru like a more experienced coach pointing out a junior’s rookie mistakes. The worst of it was the tone he used – snarky, almost aggressive. A little too strong, indeed. ‘Don’t you want any more ice shows in Japan, Javi?’ his manager had bluntly stated. ‘Of course’, Javier had answered dutifully, digging his nails into his palms. Shows in Japan, shows in Russia, shows in Canada, always playing second fiddle to others. All over the bloody world, except where he really wanted them to, where he would be the star – back at home.

Javier sighed, and pinched at his forehead. Deciding not to put this off any further, he did a quick time zone check to confirm that it was evening in Beijing, so it should be okay to call Yuzuru. Whether or not Yuzuru would deign to answer was another matter. Perhaps it would be his mother or his manager who answered, which would mean he could simply deliver a formal apology, asking them to pass the message on to Yuzuru. He didn’t want to humiliate himself too much asking for forgiveness. Just let it be known that he was aware he might have made a mistake. Then it would be up to Yuzuru to call him if he wanted any further explanations.

Yuzuru answered on the second ring, interrupting Javier’s wishful thinking.

“Habi? Hi.”

“Hi, Yuzu”, Javier replied, automatically.

The small voice with which Yuzuru answered the phone surprised Javier.

Somehow it had been easier to act aloof and bitter when Yuzuru was just a figure on the screen, awakening memories of past opportunities snatched from him.

But Yuzuru’s voice came with different memories, of bonding, and kinship, exhilaration and silliness, laughing with nerves and exhaustion, needing each other despite everything that made them different, seeking each other’s warmth in a vast coldness which enveloped them both. More specific memories were knocking at the door of Javier’s mind, but he didn’t allow them in. It was dangerous: those memories threatened to usher in thoughts Javier had buried deep, of things he wanted but didn’t get to have. Not medals or recognition this time, no; other things.

Suddenly Javier became anxious, allowing the silence after their greetings to stretch out, as he rubbed his sweaty palms on his trousers, his earlier bravado and stubborn pride suddenly vanishing in a puff of smoke, in the face of Yuzuru’s tiny hurt voice, his long expectant silence.

“You…”, Javier began and coughed, “you saw my interview? Talking about your popped sal? I was told you’ve seen it.”

“Did they tell you to call?” Yuzuru asked.

“Yeah, my manager called me.”

“Ah-”, Yuzuru interjected.

“He said I should apologize, so – here I am. This is an apology call. If you watched it, how much did it bother you, or how big was the damage to your image, so I know how much to grovel”, Javier tried to joke, carelessly.

“Err, my team watched it”, Yuzuru said. “They were not happy. They tell me what you say.”

“Oh, right, your entorno, I should’ve known. They see everything, know everything. Damage control, bad PR. Okay okay, listen. I’ll make it up to you, Yuzu. I’ll say some nice things next. I actually did say some very nice things about you, too, but I don’t suppose they would’ve told you those...”

“Javi…”

“But this was my chance, do you realize, this was my chance to show them I knew my stuff, I had to give them something, they expected it from me, alright?”

“Javi, you don’t have to...”

“But you do understand why I did it, right?” Javier insisted, a little desperately. “I had to. People in my country, most of them, don’t really respect me, I’m a nobody to them, I always had to fight hard just so they won’t forget the little bits of myself they came to know at some point. Yuzu, I don’t think you know what it’s like, to fight to be remembered? You can appear just once a year and people will fall at your feet. You never had that problem, Yuzu”, Javier accused, incensed, then fell silent.

He bit his lip and punched angrily at the couch, realizing he was slipping back into an aggressive tone, when in fact he should be apologizing. He was wondering how to save the situation, when Yuzuru asked, quietly:

“Does Javi hate me then? Do you think I don’t deserve…. medals? Win?”

Javier sighed noisily. He wasn’t ready for this question now, possibly ever. It was a sea of murky waters he would rather not delve into, even in the privacy of his own thoughts, let alone in a stiff late night phone call across continents.

“… I didn’t say that, did I? But you must try to understand how hard it is for me, Yuzuru, when I have to talk about you, in particular.” Javier went for the full name to put some emotional distance between them. He tried to keep his tone levelled but his bitterness seeped out, making him sound aggrieved. “And that’s because a lot of people only see me as your accessory… But I’m a man, right? I have my pride. You don’t think I should get to keep my pride?”

Yuzuru made a small non-committal noise.

“Sorry Javi, I… not understand…. What this means… your pride and… the sal, that I popped, because there was hole...in the ice…”

“You should have seen that fucking hole, Yuzuru!” Javier interrupted angrily. “Why didn’t you check? I told everyone you were awesome, and made them expect great things from you and then you…”

“I’m sorry, Javi.”

Javier snorted.

“Why are you apologizing? It’s me who should apologise. This is ridiculous. I’m ridiculous, and that was my fault… It’s just that whenever I have to talk about you, it’s all or nothing, I either want to destroy you or praise you to high heaven, I can’t find a normal tone to discuss you professionally. Mierda!”

Yuzuru made no reply, but Javier could hear him fidgeting over the line, hear his small impatient sigh. He imagined Yuzuru rolling his eyes at him or pouting at him, and suddenly he wanted to tell him everything, give Yuzuru a real piece of his mind, even if it meant shocking him and burning all his bridges.

“Actually you know what, Yuzu? A part of me was happy to see you make a mistake. So I went on tv and gloated about it, even planned my little demonstration beforehand. You wanna know why? Because I still resent you. And this was my tiny victory over you, even if it came late, Yuzu, so fucking late... Are you happy to hear this now?!”

Javier stopped abruptly when he realized he sounded unhinged, hopelessly involved and emotional, exactly the opposite of how he wanted to appear, of how he went about pretending he was.

“… Javi?” Yuzuru’s voice came to him, distorted and faded, as if from another universe. “Are you crying?”

“I’m not!” Javier hiccuped. He slapped a hand over his mouth, then started coughing because the tears he couldn’t stop were indeed choking him, preventing any further protests.

“Javi, please ask yourself”, Yuzuru began, slowly to say, as Javier was biting his fist, still fighting with tears, “why do you speak bad about me and then very good? Why you say things to hurt me then cry? What is the… what is the feeling Javi has?” Yuzuru concluded, voice trembling slightly.

“I don’t know”, Javier answered, tiredly but honestly.

“You must find out”, Yuzuru said, on an almost commanding tone.

It made Javier chuckle sadly.

“Why do you even care about my stupid feelings at this point, Yuzuru? Just forget about me. Let this be the end of us, the end of everything. After all, you’re the star, and I’m the loser. The petty, bitter loser that everyone loves to hate.”

“Stop feeling sorry for yourself, Javi!” Yuzuru suddenly screeched in his ear so jarringly, that Javier gasped and winced, almost dropping his phone. Thankfully, his tears also managed to be stopped by the shock. “This isn’t just about you!” Yuzuru continued, and he sounded angry now. “Do you think maybe I also am very hurt?”

A small, satisfied smile played upon Javier’s lips, upon hearing that.

“Really?” he asked eagerly. “This… what I said… really got to you, not just… PR but like, it really hurt?” How much, he wanted to ask, greedy for as much details as possible, tell me everything, how it made you react, how it made you feel, these are things that I have managed to do to you, I thought you were made of steel, at times I thought you were not human-

“I wanted to break ipod with your signature, Javi”, Yuzuru answered flatly. “That’s how much it hurt. And it very expensive ipod.”

“Do you still have that ipod?” Javier asked dumbly.

“Yes, of course”, Yuzuru scoffed.

“And my signature hasn’t been wiped off since then or anything? I mean, it’s…. it’s been so long…”

“I use nail polish, and keep it in a case”, Yuzuru clarified, shortly, and Javier suddenly broke into laughter, endeared. He wiped at the traces of his tears, shaking his head.

“Look, Yuzu, when I called you, I really wanted to apologize to you, please believe me. I wasn’t planning on vomiting all my feelings like this and really make the worst of a bad situation but… I don’t know what it is about you that makes me so stupid. Every single time. Even when I have the best intentions, I still manage to fuck it up so…. I’ll be honest, I don’t know what the future holds but I’ll probably hurt you again. I don’t know how not to hurt you. Even worse, there’s a part of me that really wants to hurt you.”

“Why, Javi?” Yuzuru whispered, the sound of it trembling in the air suddenly filled with secrets, the distance between them reduced to the echo of that whisper.

“Luck hasn’t been kind to me. You haven’t been kind to me, Yuzuru. It’s easy to remember only the bitterness when I haven’t seen you in so long.”

“Why, Javi?” Yuzuru repeated, even more brokenly, as if he hadn’t heard or understood Javier. “Why do you want hurt me?”

Javier imagined Yuzuru sitting curled up on himself as he spoke those words, like he had found him once in the locker room after an asthma attack, his eyes glistening, holding his silly little tissue box against his chest. It was a sharp reminder that Yuzuru was human, and very vulnerable.

“Javi always special for me, always”, Yuzuru struggled to say, and Javier’s eyes closed in guilt and pain. “Even when Javi skating not so good, still special. Like I know that-” Javier’s eyes snapped open at that, the bitter smile returning.

“Even when Javi skating not so good?” he parroted. “See, that’s the problem, Yuzu – I don’t need your pity! I don’t need anyone’s pity! I’m my own man! All the condescending stuff you ever said about me, like ‘Javi is to kind for competition’, god do you hear yourself? Is your entorno feeding you all these lines? How you wished me luck for Euros, implying I wasn’t fully back? You’ve hurt me plenty too, so don’t pretend to be so innocent now!”

The steel was back in Javier’s eyes now, memory of past hurts outweighing the good memories.

“I’m sorry”, he heard Yuzuru say, and he laughed shortly.

Enough.

“It’s me who should apologize, remember?” Javier said, coldly. “So here goes: I apologize if my words spoken during the Spanish Eurosport special report have caused PR harm to Yuzuru Hanyu. It was careless of me to suggest Yuzuru Hanyu lied or had an error of technique. Yuzuru Hanyu is, of course, above such things, at all times.”

Javier didn’t know if Yuzuru could understand all the words he rattled out, much less the sarcasm behind them, but he made sure Yuzuru fully understood the coldness.

The vast expanse of ice was still surrounding them on all fronts, but they were no longer huddling for warmth together, storms conspired to make them drift further and further apart.

“Javi-”, Yuzuru said in the ensuing silence, “I have to go for injection now, but call tomorrow?” Yuzuru said.

Javier was momentarily confused – he thought he had, quite masterfully, and with minimal damage to his dignity, managed to both apologize, as well as extricate himself from Yuzuru’s life. Surely, Yuzuru wouldn’t want to have anything more to do with him now. Yuzuru’s request to call tomorrow left him momentarily at a loss.

“What injection?” he asked blankly.

“For ankle”, Yuzuru said. “Painkiller… yeah, you know?”

Javier didn’t, in fact, know.

“Your ankle hurts?”

“Mmm. Sprain.”

“And you skate on it like this?”

“Mmm. Have to go now, Javi. Please think what I asked – why you good and then bad to me, and then cry about it. Think about feeling. Call tomorrow. Bai bai.”

“Yuzuru—”

Javier stared at the phone in his hand, bewildered.

What the fuck had all that been?

“Think about feeling. Call tomorrow. Bai bai”, Javier mimicked Yuzuru’s voice, saying those words.

But when he smiled, his smile was fond, if a little confused.

Javier felt tired as if he had just skated a full run-through, so he decided to take a shower, then go straight to bed.

While in the bathroom, still distractedly thinking about the phone call, he didn’t notice a patch of water – he really should’ve remembered to call the plumber to fix his sink - so he slipped and hit his head on the edge of the bathtub. His last thought before losing consciousness was ‘I guess I won’t call Yuzu tomorrow after all.’

*

Eight years earlier

Yuzuru was sitting up on one of the benches in the locker room, his feet up, pressed to his chest, and his head down. He looked up briefly when Javier entered, a confused look out of glassy, unfocused eyes. He nodded and tried for a weak smile up at Javier.

“Hey”, Javier asked, approaching, and laid a hand on Yuzuru’s head to ruffle his already messy hair. “Are you alright!”

“Yes, alright!” Yuzuru answered, smile getting brighter, even though his voice sounded wrecked. He coughed, pressing the tissue box he was clutching in his arms to his chest.

“You don’t look very alright”, Javier said, surveying him worriedly. “Should I call someone?”

Yuzuru waved a hand. He extracted an inhaler out of his pocket and held it up for Javier to see.

“Just one”, he stressed. “Can’t more.”

“Can’t have more than one puff? Why?”

“Tests. Not allowed.”

“Oh, I see”, Javier said, sympathetically. “What do you do if you need more?”

Yuzuru shrugged.

“I sit like this. Chest--”he demonstrated the position, pressing his chest to his legs. “It help. Try to calm. Breathe – slow.”

“Like this?” Javier inhaled, and then exhaled slowly, a deep breath which made his chest rise and fall.

Yuzuru watched him carefully, seemingly trying to model his own breathing after Javier’s.

“Yes. Very good like this, Javi.”

“I stay with you, so we can breathe like this together, if it helps.”

“No, Javi has other… work, skate…”, Yuzuru shook his head.

“I don’t have a fixed hour for anything”, Javier shrugged. “Come on, let’s sit like this, so you can feel it better.”

Javier manoeuvred the Yuzu bundle onto the floor, between his spread legs, and he sat behind him, pressing Yuzuru’s back to his chest. He breathed deeply, in and out, feeling how Yuzuru struggled to mirror it.

“My sister trains to be a nurse, you know”, Javier told him, quietly. “When I told her my training mate has asthma, she said you must be very brave. She told me this is one of the ways to calm asthma attacks even without inhaler. Just need to keep the breathing deep and even, just like this.”

Yuzuru made a small noise of agreement. Javier could feel him relax further and further in his arms. His next breaths came much easier, almost in sync with Javier’s own. Javier’s chest swelled with a warm feeling of accomplishment, and, unexpectedly, with a powerful surge of affection. Without really meaning to, he pressed a small kiss on the top of Yuzuru’s head.

*

Javier blinked slowly, grunting at the brightness of the overhead lights. He was not at the Cricket Club. Of course he wasn’t at the Club, he was at home now, in Spain. Why would he dream about that random memory from the past – was it a dream, or a very vivid memory? It seemed so sharp in its every minute detail, as if he had been reliving it. Owlishly, he squinted at his surroundings, catching a glimpse of his parents’ worried faces, as they immediately rushed over to him, relieved that he had awakened. He hugged them both tightly, looking around in confusion. Apparently, he was in a hospital.

“Wait, who found me?” Javier asked confused. “I remember I fell…”

“Shh, don’t trouble yourself”, his mother answered. “It was your training mate… he called us last night.”

“Training mate?” Javier ogled them, bewildered. “Not… Yuzuru?”

“Yes, him!”

“Mom, he’s in Beijing, how could he know I’m passed out in my bathroom!”

“Listen, he called to say he’s worried about you, that he just talked to you earlier and you seemed upset, so we might want to check on you.”

“He told you all that… in English?” This seemed the most incredible thing of all to Javier in those moments, not that Yuzuru would somehow sense something bad happening to him, or that he would call his parents with advice for Javier’s well-being.

“Don’t make fun of the boy’s English, Javi”, his mother reprimanded him. “It’s enough that we understood. He’s a very good boy, Javi, very nice, very polite.”

“Very nice boy”, his father nodded seriously, and Javier wanted to scream through his blinding headache.

“Anyway, you have to thank him because if it hadn’t been for his phone call, we wouldn’t have come over. We got worried when you didn’t answer the phone and even more worried when you didn’t answer your door.”

“So what did you do?” Javier asked, faintly.

“We kicked the door in, of course”, his mother shrugged. “Never scare me like that, Javi! A concussion, the doctor said! It’s good we found you when we did!” She bent over to hug him again, tightly.

“You need to be more careful, Javi”, his father chimed in.

“It’s all those sleepless nights, dad, when I had to wake up for commentaries, you know…. I hardly know which side is up anymore these days…”, Javier said, helplessly. “Anyway, that’s all over now.”

“The doctor said you need rest!” his father pronounced with authority. “Whatever other engagements you have, cancel them!”

“Yes, rest”, his mother nodded. “We’ll come and see you everyday until they discharge you. They’ll keep you under observation for a few days. Here’s your phone and charger, we went back to your place to get them for you. Now that you’re awake, Javi, don’t forget to call Yuzuru and thank him!”

Javier opened his mouth then closed it again, deciding not to voice out that the prolonged rest he was ordered definitely clashed with calling, or talking to, or even thinking about, Yuzuru Hanyu.

Chapter Text

Javier caved and called Yuzuru less than two hours after his parents left. He was bored, but too sick to do anything, even playing a game on his phone proved a challenge. So he decided he would call Yuzuru, politely thank him for calling his parents, then move on. It was the right thing to do.

The phone rang for longer now, and Javier almost disconnected, when Yuzuru finally answered out of breath:

“Hai! Yes? Javi?”

Javier belatedly thought about the time in Beijing.

“I didn’t wake you up, right?” he asked.

“Oh. No, no. Just practice.”

“Practice? Still skating? I thought your ankle was bad.”

“I like to skate”, Yuzuru said, stubbornly. “Don’t know how long I have.”

“You’re not gonna have very long if you keep pushing your ankle like that”, Javier said, then immediately regretted it. Why was he always so combative? “Anyway”, he quickly changed the topic, “I want to thank you for calling my parents last night. I don’t know why you did it, but thank you. It’s because of your call that they found me. It was rather silly of me, I fell in the bathroom, hit my head, and passed out.”

“Your parents tell me this”, Yuzuru said, mournfully. “Are you alright?”

Javier shrugged, even if he knew Yuzuru couldn’t see him.

“As good as someone can be after hitting their head on the tiles. We’re skaters though, we’re made of strong stuff, right?” he said, trying to inject some lightness into the conversation.

Yuzuru seemed to pick up on the attempt and ran with it:

“I also not very good with not-ice surfaces. Very slippery.”

Javier laughed, and decided not to tease him for once about the truth behind these words.

“Are you in hospital now?” Yuzuru asked.

“Yeah.”

“Are they giving you medicine?”

“Just for the pain, and against nausea. I’m feeling really sick and dizzy from the concussion.”

Yuzuru made a noise of sympathy.

“I mostly doze off and have weird dreams. I had one where-”, Javier started to say before he apruptly stopped himself. Why must he always speak without thinking?

“Yes, Javi?” Yuzuru said, expectantly.

“Just that I was back in Canada, at the Cricket Club, heh”, Javier said, rubbing at his neck.

“Ah. I… I’m not going… back to Canada”, Yuzuru spoke up in a rush.

Javier was taken aback by this.

“Really? Does… does Brian know?”

“He knows I will retire.”

“Wait, retire? So you’re giving up on the quad axel? You’re just… giving up?” Javier was somehow irrationally upset by this.

“You said it, Javi”, Yuzuru said. “Nathan Chen is better than me now.”

No one could suspect Yuzuru of being sarcastic, with his serious, earnest tone.

Javier frowned:

“I didn’t say that!”

Did he really say that? He didn’t think Nathan was better than Yuzuru, although he had a lot of reluctant respect for Nathan’s big jumps that he could never achieve.

“You did.”

“Well, even if I did, you shouldn’t have listened to me!”

Yuzuru chuckled.

“I listen to my body, Javi. My ankle is… not holding with me.”

Javier was silent.

“You retired at 27 too”, Yuzuru pointed out.

Javier laughed, hollow.

“In my case, my entire body wouldn’t have held for one more year. I still have to live with aches and pains as it is. But hey, not complaining! We knew what was in store for us, right?”

“The pain is not a problem for me”, Yuzuru agreed, “but it’s a problem if I can’t skate.”

Javier sighed.

“Of course you’d see it that way. Pain is so strange…”, Javier mused. He ran his hand over the sterile bedsheets, the smell of sanitizer prickling his nostrils. “It drives you on sometimes, doesn’t it? The sting of pain and the rush of adrenaline. Like, it makes you want more. You’re afraid of it, but it also spurs you on, makes you more motivated…”

“More there”, Yuzuru chimed in. “More alive.”

“Yes, exactly”, Javier exclaimed, “you’re there into it, passionate and present, squeezing life out of you that you didn’t even know you had in you.”

“That is what I tried with quad axel in free. But I – I … It didn’t work.”

“Yuzu…. It was actually amazing”, Javier said, laughter in his voice at the memory. “I mean, wow – to see you go for it, and almost land it, you were so close, and the rotations were almost fully there too…. Oh how I wish you could have heard me then, and not at… that other time. But anyway, you’re a legend – you went for it, and then you carried on with that intense program, such energy, I was on the edge of my seat, I swear. And the Sal – Yuzu what happened there, you had it this time, it was rotated, and you just fell from the landing, how?”

“The ankle, Javi”, Yuzuru explained. “I tell you it didn’t hold.”

“Ah, stupid ankle”, Javier reacted. “I thought it was an unlikely mistake coming from you. Such a pity. But still, you were so brave.”

“Javi, you don’t need to praise me now just because you destroy me before. I accepted apology. Or I didn’t tell you? Apology is accepted, Javi.”

“That’s not what this is, Yuzu, I truly think you were brave in that moment, and I was very proud of you. I mean it! Hey – I bow to you – remember when I bowed to you? I bow to you after this performance, too.”

“Okay, Javi”, Yuzuru giggled. “I also am proud of me. I did what I could. I can do no more.”

“I’m sorry. I know how much the quad axel meant to you.”

“So you see, I already hurt even without Javi putting little needles in my doll”, Yuzuru said lightly, then laughed.

“Ugh – don’t say that. I feel so guilty now”. Javier sniffed, then blinked, surprised at himself. He felt unusually light now, content in a way he hadn’t been in a long time, just talking casually with Yuzuru, falling back into their old understanding. His heart squeezed in his chest, alerting Javier that he should keep his guard up against any emotional weakness.

“Javi just speak without thinking many times. I know, it’s fine”, Yuzuru said, on the same light tone, then laughed again.

“Why are you so nice to me, Yuzu?” Javier wondered. “And you sound very happy today, too.”

“I don’t know..”, Yuzuru said, then gigled again. “I had four pills today instead of two usual.”

It took Javier a while to catch on.

“What do you mean… painkillers? Wait, what are you taking? Do your doctors know….?”

“Mmm!”

“… Yuzu… are you high right now?”

“I’m happy, Javi. I skate today, now I talk to you, so yes, I’m happy!”

“….Yeah, you’re high as fuck. Oh god.” Javier shook his head, but then shrugged – it wasn’t as if he was doing any better, with his concussion, and the meds they must have given him. The tips of his fingers felt numb, and he too, was feeling airy and not fully there. Perhaps this is why they were finally managing to have a normal discussion.

“Hey Javi, why you skate drunk at my show?” Yuzuru asked, out of the blue. There was a plonk and a sigh like Yuzuru had just dropped onto a soft springy surface.

“Ehhh”, Javier reacted, annoyed by the question. “I thought we were over this. I never wanted to do your show, I had other business. You basically forced me into it.”

“You had contract. And that’s why you skate bad, to ruin my show?”

“Yuzu, I had to wake up at 4 am that day! I skated as well as I can after 3 hours of sleep on my birthday! I didn’t mean to ruin it but I hope that taught you a lesson!”

“What lesson, Jaa—avi?” Yuzuru drawled, voice going high-pitched at the end, then he giggled.

“Oh, I don’t know”, Javier scoffed”, like for instance that if you drag me along with you like a monkey on a string, attached to your highness, I might just ruin your plans!”

“A monkey? You skated more like a donkey though”, Yuzuru said, then dissolved into loud, honking laughter.

Javier’s blood began to boil.

“Okay, great. Nice talk. Bye.”

Incensed, he didn’t even wait for a reply, and hung up as Yuzuru was still laughing.

Fuck it, Javier thought. I’m no saint, but Yuzuru is just mean. Pretending to be nice just to lull me into a false sense of security. Like a kitten that purrs gently until the very second it sinks its claws into your hand. Well, he can suit himself. As far as I’m concerned, that makes us even.

Javier started to play a game on his phone, but his thoughts kept returning to the earlier conversation. The sound of an incoming message made him abandon the game altogether. It was a message from Yuzuru:

“It was joke, Javi, don’t be mad ( ´△｀)”

Javier couldn’t decypher that emoticon, so he left him on read.

It was true that he had not been at his best at Yuzuru’s show, he could admit to himself as much. He skated a tiny part of his long program and he all but tripped over his own feet. The spins – never his strong point – abandoned him entirely. He was unsteady on his feet, clunky. The appellative of donkey was actually quite appropriate. In fact, if it had been one of his mates calling him that, Javier would have laughed right along with them. So what made him want to break down and cry when it was Yuzuru who made fun of him? Javier clenched his fists. There was something about Yuzuru’s loud mocking laughter that made Javier want to smash something to pieces.

He closed his eyes as his mind gave into a sudden, almost dizzying desire to hurt Yuzuru, to see his eyes dim with disappointment, to crush his fragile face between his fingers only to see his features twist in pain. He remembered the soft texture of Yuzuru’s face, always so incredibly smooth under his palms. It would bruise easily, Javier imagined, and he groaned. The imagined scene caused an almost visceral feeling of satisfaction. Javier shuddered. ‘I’m so fucked up’, he reflected, staring at the merciless white ceiling of his hospital room. ‘It must be from the concussion’, he concluded, tiredly. ‘Or from these damn meds they’re giving me. I’m not thinking straight. Yuzuru made a bad joke, but maybe he didn’t mean to hurt me.’

Was his heart so twisted and shrivelled that he always assumed the worst about people?

Where did it all go wrong, on what patch of rough ground on his uneven path did it all go wrong for him? Javier could imagine his past self waving at his present self from afar, still blissfully unaware and untouched by everything that made up today’s Javier. Much like Yuzuru was keeping Javier’s signature carefully preserved behind a glass case, so it would not fade away completely.

How could Yuzuru think he was still worth the attention, worth talking to, and keeping up with, after Javier confessed to him all his troubled feelings, sugar-coating nothing, not even his desire to hurt? But how could Javier even reach the point where he wanted to hurt Yuzuru, from playfully tickling him and kissing his hair softly like a secret, from the simple happiness of skating together or just being around each other – without a care of what anyone thought about them, and if they gossiped about them (and oh did they ever). Javier felt the familiar resentment creeping up on him again, because he hated when people talked about him and Yuzuru with winks and knowing smiles.

-

Three years earlier

Out of the corner of his eye, Javier could notice Yuzuru was watching him intently, as if he wanted to tell him something, but he was still hesitating or didn’t know how to do it. Javier was secretly enjoying Yuzuru hovering around him in uncertainty for once, especially since it was an unusual situation. Yuzuru was usually very comfortable around Javier, carelessly telling him whatever came to mind in his broken English, or spontaneously going for hugs or touches. It now made Javier even more curious what Yuzuru may want now that was different.. However, he was not that curious as to approach Yuzuru himself. His main focus was on the poor success rate of his quad salchow in time for Europeans. Besides, he was leaving soon, forever – leaving the club, leaving Yuzuru. What good would it do to indulge now?

After another gruelling half-hour, Javier decided to give himself a break and went off to the locker room. Yuzuru sprang immediately after him. In the locker room, he rummaged into his bag, from where he finally retrieved an ipod, which he held out to Javier.

“JavipleaseIwantyoutosign”, he rattled out, so fast, that Javier couldn’t make out a single word.

“What?” he repeated, dumbly.

Yuzuru blushed slightly, then waved the other hand, which Javier only now noticed was holding a marker:

“Sign….please, Javi.”

“Sign….?” Javier was at a loss. “Wait, are you sure? Why? The ipod? Why?”

Yuzuru doubled over in laughter.

“Javi you look so funny right now!”

Javier just stared.

“I’m sorry, Yuzu, I don’t understand what you want!” he argued, frustrated.

“I want Javi – to sign – my – ipod”, Yuzuru said, slowly, and demonstrated a signature with a flourish. He pushed the ipod and marker in Javier’s hands, with a pointed nod.

“But, but-”, Javier spluttered. “My signature, like, the one I use to sign photos and stuff, here on this thing – why on earth do you want this, Yuzu?”

Yuzuru sighed and sat down next to him on the bench, taking the ipod out of Javier’s hands.

“This is my ipod”, he repeated. “All my favourite songs are here. I always have it with me. At competitions. And at home. Always, it’s my … thing.”

“Okay…”, Javier said, to show he was following.

“And you, Javi, are also a thing – a person”, Yuzuru corrected himself, “in my life. But now you go away. So. I want thing that connects – something I have with something – person I not have… with me, anymore.”

It was a difficult concept and Javier now understood Yuzuru’s earlier hesitation, but Javier felt Yuzuru got his point across. Yuzuru was a creature of habit, and he had his little rituals and patterns, like they all did. Javier was for so long a part of his skating life, that his leaving disrupted the established pattern.

“Okay, Yuzu”, Javier answered. “I understand, and I’ll be happy to sign it for you. But the signature will rub off after a while, you now. There. Is this okay?”

Yuzuru smiled at him, all teeth and crinkly eyes.

“Thank you, Javi!” he said.

“What kind of songs do you have here anyway? Angry rock music?”

“Yes, some. Give me energy. But some other too.”

“Since I signed your ipod, I think it’s fair if I also left you some recs?”

“Mmm?” Yuzuru made a confused face.

“Some songs that I think are good, that you might like, too. So they’ll remind you of me.”

Yuzuru’s face lit up.

“I really really want songs that remind me of Javi! So good idea!”

“Great”, Javier laughed.

He took his laptop from his bag and connected the ipod, then hummed, as he went through his music folder. Yuzuru inched closer to him to look at the screen. Yuzuru’s thigh pressed to Javier’s and Javier could see his little face still gleaming with exertion from the skating, and his chest rising and falling lightly. He followed avidly the progression of Javier’s fingers as he searched for songs, played bits of them for Yuzuru to hear, then added them to the ipod.

One of the songs he selected was Prometo.

“This is one of my favourite songs recently. I’m preparing a skating program for it, you’ll see”, Javier said, turning to glance at Yuzuru, who was sitting so close that Javier could see the two moles on his cheek. He looked sweet and childish, as he stared avidly and listened attentively, nodding. Javier smiled at him, and turned back to the screen, clicking play on the song.

“You have to check out the lyrics if you listen”, he mumbled, as an afterthought. “The lyrics are meaningful, special to me”, he then dragged the song to Yuzuru’s ipod, as the serene beautiful song filled the room:

I want to be once again the one that loved you

like a child’s play

bring back the green of your look

and dry off the pain that drenches us-

Javier woke up, sweating, his lids stuck to each other, from a sleep heavier than any in recent memory. Not only did he sleep like the dead, but he had another very vivid memory slash dream slash re-living the past in an uncomfortably real way. For a few seconds, he really felt like he was still there – then he remembered – it was years later. Blearily, he reached for his phone to check the time, and saw that it was still unreasonably early.

He dropped back onto the bed, deciding that 7:00 am was too early a time to consider fully waking.

His thoughts returned to memory he had practically re-lived in his dreams. He wondered if Yuzuru was still listening to the songs he added for him that day.

Javier rarely allowed his thoughts to go there, but that day when they were sitting in the locker room together, after Javier had signed Yuzuru’s ipod, he found himself thinking about Yuzuru as someone beautiful, and available, and within reach. That Yuzuru liked him back was something he had never doubted. That Javier would, despite his own feelings, never give in to his desire, was another given. But that day in the locker room was the most in danger he’d ever been of succumbing. It would have been easy, so easy. Maybe it was something Yuzuru wanted, too, and yet dreaded - hence his uncharacteristic hesitance. 

Not for the first time, Javier wondered how things would have changed for him if he had turned around in that locker room that day and traced Yuzuru's delicate features with more than just his eyes - with eager fingers, with trembling lips.... Well, he would never know now. In the end, nothing happened and Javier couldn't even decide if he felt more relief or regret.

Javier punched his pillow, and decided to get up. He wanted to ask if he could take a walk, and maybe even be discharged if he was feeling better.

However, as he was stepping out of the room, he almost collided with a nurse.

“Hey, I was wondering if I could maybe take a walk outside or…?” he asked, hopefully.

“Absolutely not. You’re under observation. You shouldn’t go walking or in places you’re unsupervised. If something happens to you, then it’s on us. You stick to your room.”

“For how long?” Javier asked, in helpless despair. He really couldn’t stand being cooped inside for long. It reminded him of that awful time at the start of the pandemic.

The nurse shrugged.

“Three, four days? We’ll see what the doctor says after the consult. Here are your meds. I’ll bring you some more water.”

The nurse left, leaving the door open. From the hallway, the crying of a child could be heard. Javier sighed, and lay back on the bed. The day was ruined just as it started. He couldn’t go anywhere, and had nothing to do. The child’s screams were getting louder by the second. Javier’s head was pounding in their staccato rhythm. The nurse returned, with a glass of water.

“There’s water on the hallways if you want more, but don’t go far”, she said, raising her voice to make herself heard over the din.

Javier nodded.

“Is the child okay?” he asked.

The nurse shrugged. She began to take Javier’s blood pressure, when suddenly there was a loud crash, that made Javier startle, messing up the readings. The nurse sighed in resignation, and began to re-do the procedure. The child had abruptly stopped crying, and a man’s voice could be heard, saying a few angry words, which Javier couldn’t make out, on a quiet but threatening tone. Then there was complete silence.

Javier looked at the nurse in alarm.

“At least it’s quiet now, right?” the nurse deadpanned, raising an eyebrow.

Javier’s social smile was failing him – he managed a grimace, his eyes still filled with panic.

After she was done with him, he lay back on the bed and closed his eyes.

A child was screaming – for whatever reason, and someone either hit him or threatened him into being silent – this kind of thing, and worse, happened every day; so why did Javier feel like crying, or like nothing would be right with the world again? It was definitely these stupid meds making him emotional over every little thing.

He reached over for his phone and re-read Yuzuru’s message. The emoji now looked to him distressed and pleading. Sighing, Javier typed a message:

“Don’t worry about it, Yuzu. We’re good. :)”

He hoped that the words conveyed the fact that he was chill, it was so hard to tell with these kind of messages.

He was almost beginning to nod off again simply out of boredom, when the sound of an incoming message made him open his eyes.

He checked his phone. A message from Yuzuru:

“Can I call?”

So, they were doing daily calls now? Javier didn’t know how to feel about that. A part of him wanted to tell Yuzuru that he was tired, but he couldn’t deny that he was actually strangely excited at hearing Yuzuru’s happy silly laughter again, his voice as he struggled to pronounce the English words to the best of his ability. The fondness overcame the reluctance.

“Sure, if you want”, he typed, and sent.

Chapter Text

This time the call was shorter and significantly more subdued than yesterday’s one. Yuzuru seemed tired or apathetic, in a way that Javier hadn’t heard him before. He apologized to Javier for “a bad joke” almost formally, solemnly. Javier imagined his ever-present bow to go with those words – his tone seemed to call for it. As if in reaction to Yuzuru’s formality, Javier had the sudden urge to act the buffoon.

“They’re keeping me prisoner here, Yusu, I can’t leave! They won’t even let me go for a walk! I’ll die in here!”

“No, Javi. You stay there in bed. It’s for your good.”

“But I need air! And company! Especially company, you know me, I’d go to hell for company!”

“… So that’s why you talk to me?” Yuzuru said, drily.

Javier laughed out loud, genuinely amused.

“Don’t worry, Yuzu – you may be difficult, it’s true, but you’re not exactly the devil. More like a… duendecito”, he teased. Then he quickly added, so he wouldn’t have to be asked for a translation: “I’m actually the one bugging you right now, so it’s you who has to put up with my company.”

“I’ve always wanted your company, Javi”, Yuzuru answered, earnestly. “It’s you who….”, he trailed off.

“… Me too, Yuzu, believe me”, Javier said. “It’s the other things that came with the whole package that didn’t sit right with me.”

Yuzuru didn’t take the bait to ask for more details, even though Javier would have readily provided them – he was itching to provide them, in fact.

“Javi doesn’t like me”, he said instead.

“That’s a lie, Yuzu. I like you maybe a little too much. Maybe.”

“Javi hates me,” Yuzuru contradicted, on a flat tone.

He definitely wasn’t teasing, or fishing for compliments, which put Javier at a loss on how to react. Javier was forced to consider things from Yuzuru’s perspective. What had suddenly got into him?

“… Yuzu, you sound very different today”, Javier said, carefully. “Are you off your pain meds?”

“No pills today. Want see if I can skate without.”

“And… can you skate?”

“Can not even walk without pain.”

“Uh – I’m sorry-”

“Are you happy, Javi?”

“What? Of course not!”

“Because you wanted to hurt me. Well, I’m very hurt. Maybe not recover.”

Javier ran a hand over his face.

“Oh, god. That was … what I meant was… something different”, he replied with difficulty. “I never wanted you to feel debilitating pain… I know first-hand how these injuries are and I wouldn’t wish them on my worst enemy. Also to never see you skate again would be punishment for me, too, you know”, he tried to joke. “Have you forgotten I told you, long ago, that I like your skating?” He made a pause, actually waiting for a reply. Yuzuru finally hummed, in acknowledgement, but said nothing. “Also”, Javier went on, full-speed ahead, possessed again by the spirit of irrational honesty, “your suffering now has nothing to do with me. When I said, I wanted to hurt you – don’t forget the I.”

There was a pause, but then Yuzuru snorted.

“You’re crazy, Javi”, he said, lightly.

Javier would take that.

“Maybe. You’re not very sane either, though.”

“I’m not”, Yuzuru easily agreed. “It’s because I want things too much”, he added, wisely.

Javier paused to think. Maybe the same was true for him. It felt like crossing an unseen barrier between them, but still, he had to ask:

“So, what do you do if you want things too much, and you fail to get them?”

“I try again. And again, and again.”

“Forever?” Javier smiled, amused at the notion, but still not surprised by Yuzuru’s answer.

“Yes, until I get them. Or until…”, Yuzuru stopped short, but Javier still couldn't let it go:

“Until what?”

“Until I don’t want them anymore.”

“Oh”, Javier reacted, suddenly crestfallen at Yuzuru’s answer. He forced himself to shrug it off. “It makes sense, I guess.”

“Yeah... I have to go now, Javi. Talk soon. Be healthy. Bai bai.”

“Bye Yuzu. Take care.”

Three years ago

“Javi – you see what happen. I – They…. I gave my best Javi. Why they don’t like me anymore?”

“Yuzu…”, Javier said, sympathetically, with a sad scoff. “We both know it’s not about this. It’s about politics and … well, you know.”

He carefully closed the door, wishing he could also lock it. He may have been invited to Saitama, but not to Yuzuru’s hotel room. He had made the decision by himself that he should see Yuzuru, a decision he was beginning to regret.

“But I do my best”, Yuzuru argued, with a naivety that made Javier smile. “My best was always good enough before.”

Javier shook his head.

“Maybe it’s not good enough anymore”, he said quietly.

Yuzuru looked like he had been slapped. His eyes widened with a wild, incredulous look in them, and then abruptly filled with tears.

“Yuzu?” Javier reacted, alarmed. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…”

But Yuzuru was rapidly crumbling. He sank down to the floor, as if his legs couldn’t hold him anymore, and Javier quickly got down to his level, one hand stretched towards him for support, as he eyed him worriedly.

“You’re right, Javi, I’m not good enough”, Yuzuru said, with a small, bitter smile, as he turned his head to avoid Javier’s touch. He was crying but still tried to proudly hold himself still and look away.

“Yuzu, you can work harder next time, you can win!” Javier tried to reassure him, voice breaking with emotion. He couldn’t stand to see Yuzuru cry. A part of him always wanted to cry with him.

Yuzuru finally chanced a look at Javier, and that seemed to be his undoing – suddenly he launched himself at Javier, almost tumbling them both down to the floor. Javier placed a hand behind him quickly to steady himself, as he caught Yuzuru with the other.

“Si, asi es”, he muttered nonsensically, as Yuzuru sniffled against him, crumpling the fabric of Javier’s shirt in his fingers.

Javier wrapped both his arms around Yuzuru’s shaking body, and rocked him gently like a child. He couldn’t help but notice that Yuzuru looked even thinner than he remembered – all sharp angles and hard bones – frail in a way he hadn’t felt before.

“Javi-”, Yuzuru protested, then tried to pull away. “Making mess on your shirt”, he mumbled.

Javier would have none of it and pulled Yuzuru back firmly in the tight hold of his arms, in the now wet patch on his shirt.

“It’’s fine, it’ll wash”, he said. “Leave all the snot you want.”

Yuzuru sobbed then, pitifully, and glued himself to Javier like he wanted to burrow himself inside him. Hiding his face in Javier’s shirt, he cried unconsolably, amid stuttered, uneven gasps of breath, like a child whose misery is too big for his small world to contain. Javier cradled the back of Yuzuru’s head in his palm and let him cry, while still rocking him slowly from side to side.

Eventually, Yuzuru stopped out of sheer exhaustion, but remained slumped in Javier’s hold. He seemed to have no will left to fight or argue, or even cry. Javier felt such tenderness for him in that moment, his heart filled with joy at being able to comfort, yet heavy with sorrow at Yuzuru’s predicament.

But even those feelings were not wholly pure. As Javier held Yuzuru and comforted him, with tenderness in his heart, a stubborn corner of Javier’s mind was satisfied to see Yuzuru in pieces, to witness for once his utter human failure. Perversely, it was also what made him feel closer to Yuzuru, made him hug him tighter, soothe him with more gentleness. Usually Yuzuru was so unreasonably perfect and remote, but now, reduced to a crying heap over his own perceived inadequacy, Yuzuru was finally Javier’s. So if the circle of Javier’s arms turned from protective to possessive in that brief span they were granted before they had to return to reality, it was something they both felt but afterwards neither of them addressed.

Javier knew that in this moment he could drag this strangely vulnerable Yuzuru to bed and he wouldn’t have protested, he would have let Javier make love to him and he would have clung to Javier with the same fierceness. But Javier felt devoid of desire, and reluctant to take advantage – it would be like cheating, or something worse. The certainty of what he could be freely given in that moment seemed more precious for once than the messy act of having it.

So he indulged in it – this unlikely fragile span of time in which they were pressed to each other, with no other care than to give and receive comfort – a stolen moment until Yuzuru’s team would come and interrupt them, and perhaps politely hint that Javier had no business being there. His part in Yuzuru’s story had ended, that narrative of the rivals turned friends was over, and they were busy with a new chapter.

Javier thought about that moment, sobered and still, more than he had thought about his previous unusually vivid memories. Was this a closer call than that time in the locker room? Such different moments, it was as if they were different people. Who could tell, and what else did life have in store for them?

Suddenly Javier felt he needed to see Yuzuru, not just hear him, and since he wasn’t ready to ask him for a video call, he began to search recent videos of him. He said he was practicing, so there should be some videos, or at least photos. He needed to see for himself how bad Yuzuru was – if his strange euphoria and helplessness was mirrored in his skating, or on his face.

Javier didn’t call Yuzuru again that week. He was content that their most recent phone conversation ended on a significantly more peaceful note than the previous ones – or rather, on a neutral note. He didn’t want to disturb that fragile peace.

But whether out of boredom, or some remnant of guilt, or another unfathomable reason, he continued to keep track of Yuzuru’s doings, watching the videos of his practices every day as they happened. Javier would have expected Yuzuru to go back home as soon as possible, since he was injured. Instead for Yuzuru, every day was a new day of launching himself into his greatest hits, content even when there was nothing more to fight for, as if the ice was the only thing he needed to be happy. It should have been ridiculous – Javier mused – and maybe it was, for anyone but Yuzuru. It somehow worked for Yuzuru - like so many other things incredibly did – to go out there and skate just for himself, as if his own connection with the ice was all that mattered, and everyone else who happened to be there were just privileged spectators. Yuzuru still drew all eyes to him even if there was no more competition to look forward to, even if he shockingly ended up off the podium.

Javier was not surprised, he had seen it time and time again, the force of Yuzuru’s charisma capturing all attention like a black hole – one whose existence he could never deny. Yuzuru was a force of nature, and narratives were created around him, for him, even now he was busily creating his own story, even if the ending had to be adjusted. To Javier’s knowing eyes, Yuzuru did seem a little ridiculous, a bit desperate, but who was Javier to judge? Especially since he could safely include himself in the ranks of the spectators who were unable to look away. Here was one who was never afraid to look ridiculous, Javier mused, enviously, as he watched Yuzuru.

Long time ago, when Javier was still being mocked for being a figure skater, his first coach had told him ‘Never be afraid of being ridiculous – being ridiculous is fine as long as it’s you.’ Javier never quite took those wise words to heart – his priority back then had been to stop other people from mocking him by being as dignified and successful as possible. And then, even when he did prove himself, there was still the fear of not being taken seriously, which meant that Javier invariably never got to be ridiculous, or himself. Not so Yuzuru. At times, he was quite ridiculous and yet – and yet – Javier mused with a fond smile, no one could accuse Yuzuru of being anything but uniquely and unapologetically himself.

Was this why so many people loved Yuzuru – and conversely, so why so few people loved him? Javier wondered. But then – Javier wondered, not for the first time, and not the last -what did Yuzuru see in him, why did he continue to cling to him, so stubbornly and persistently, ever since he was a wild teen, and then through so many conflicts, up until the moment when they shared their last podium together, and Yuzuru cried in his arms like he got everything he ever wanted but lost everything he never knew he had. And later still – even though Javier should have faded away with the rest of Yuzuru’s past, Yuzuru still sought him out, trying to blindly re-establish their connection. No matter how Javier pushed back, inched away, rejected, Yuzuru still patiently spun the thinning thread binding them together, as if guided by some mysterious faith in him.

Javier’s own faith in himself was frail and fickle like a rapidly burning candle, many times sheltered against heavy winds lest it was extinguished completely, as Javier made his way torturously through the sulphur pool of their shared memories.

Yuzuru called Javier again the day Javier received the good news that he would be discharged from the hospital. Yuzuru was inordinately happy for him, which clued in Javier that he was on painkillers again.

“So happy, Javiii so happy for you! – And tomorrow gala! So excited, Javi!”

“And afterwards?” Javier asked. “What will you do after?”

“I don’t want to think about afterwards!” Yuzuru said, immediately. “Just want to enjoy now.”

“… Well, I guess that makes sense.” Javier propped his head against the pillows, feeling content. “Where are you now, Yuzu?”

“Beijing.”

Javier snorted at the answer.

“I know that. I meant, are you in your room, or outside?”

“In my room.”

“Alone?”

“Why ask?”

“Just wanted to see you for a bit. But I don’t want anyone from your entorno to know that.”

“They already know I talk to you, Javi.”

“Oh”, Javier’s heart sank.

“It’s ok, I tell them to leave.”

“Don’t do that!” Javier panicked.

There was a slight shuffling and mumbling, while Javier could only repeat his earlier entreaty, and then Yuzuru said:

“It’s fine now, I’m in another room.”

Javier had no time to have second thoughts about the incoming video call alert which he answered automatically. Yuzuru’s face came up on his screen. He looked slightly flushed, the ends of his hair sweaty and pressed to his forehead. He looked unchanged, the slumbering fondness in Javier’s heart helpfully informed him. Javier smiled widely:

“Hi!”

Yuzuru waved at him as he smiled back:

“Hi, Javi! Is so good to see you. You look sleepy.”

Javier laughed.

“I guess I’m pretty bored these days. Nothing to do but laze around. It will be good to get back to work.”

“How is head?”

“Better now”, Javier smiled sheepishly. “Can’t believe I was so stupid to slip and hit my head. If it was on the ice, I’d have known how to fall, but apparently not in my own bathroom.”

Yuzuru dissolved into laughter, and Javier had to join him.

“By the way, Yuzu – I’m curious…. That day when you called my parents, what made you do it? Don’t get me wrong, I’m very grateful, but it’s strange… how could you know something would go wrong?”

Yuzuru looked down, then to a side, avoiding to look at Javier.

“I didn’t know. I just think about Javi.”

“What do you mean?” Javier insisted. He looked closely at Yuzuru, even though Yuzuru didn’t want to meet his eyes. Was it just his imagination, or was Yuzuru blushing?

“I worry – worried about Javi that day because Javi sad, and angry, and… I don’t like Javi feeling bad because me – because of me. And I didn’t want Javi alone with bad feeling. So that’s why I call Javi parents,” Yuzuru explained haltingly, but carefully pronouncing each word.

Javier smiled. He wanted nothing more than to hug this adorably flustered Yuzuru, from which all sharp edges seemed to have momentarily vanished – fidgeting under Javier’s gaze, all shining eyes, and earnest voice, and messy hair.

“Hey, Yuzu – Yuzu, look at me”, he said, and when Yuzuru did, eyes wide, Javier’s smile broke into a full grin. “Thank you.”

Javier got discharged from the hospital the next day. His friend Jorge came to pick him up.

“You’re all good now, right, Javi? What do you say we hit a pub?”

“No way, I just had a concussion, mate!”

“But you’re free now, Javi! How did you even last in there for so long on hospital food and without a drop of alcohol?”

“I had no choice”, Javier answered. “I was sick.”

“Well, now it’s time to celebrate your freedom!”

“Look, Jorge, I still don’t think…”

“It’s a beautiful day, Javi – look! The sun is shining… Hey, the truth is, Javi, I've been feeling a little out of sorts, so I’m kinda asking this for myself too, you know…?”

Javier sighed, knowing he had no choice but to agree. They slowly walked side by side on the busy street, as Jorge began to sing under his breath a popular ballad:

“ There was a time when you told me everything, yea, but now you’re a stranger baby – what happened – what happened to us? “

It was barely 8 pm and Javier was on his third beer, and having already shared way too much of his complicated relationship with Yuzuru to an intrigued Jorge, who was looking for some distraction from his own problems, but also seemed to genuinely try to understand and help Javier.

“Look Javi – this may not be my business, but here’s something I realized recently, so I’m gonna share it with you – free wisdom, mate – here it goes: We all go through life hurting the ones we love and being hurt by them in turn. In fact, Javi – we can only ever be hurt by our loved ones. Think about that,” Jorge emphasized by pressing a finger to his temple, and drained his glass.

It was an interesting opinion, Javier reflected, but also one obviously influenced by Jorge’s recent divorce. If Javier were to measure the strength of his feelings by how much hurt Yuzuru could make him feel, then Javier would be forced to conclude that his love for Yuzuru was positively monstrous. Devastating. Where had it been all this time? Javier wondered. Buried dangerously deep so it would resurface in such fits of irrationality and messy emotion as to better fuck him up, that’s where. He smiled sadly. Jorge was right, after all.

As it turned out, drinking had been a bad idea.

Javier spent the early hours of the morning throwing up, with a pulsing headache. He dizzily climbed into bed shivering, wrapped in a blanket, and grabbed his phone out of instinct, looking for something to doze off to.

The gala was on. Javier half-watched, half-slept fitfully – and this was how, through barely lifted lids, like in a dream, he also saw Yuzuru. Javier was gazing out of the darkness and Yuzuru was pure light. Like a drowning man, it was Javier’s turn to cling to him now, his gaze and senses spellbound. Yuzuru was like a siren to him, always beckoning, always compelling, but he never wanted to destroy Javier, no, he wanted to save him, even from himself. It was Javier who mistakenly imagined Yuzuru’s power as destructive simply because he held so much sway over Javier and Javier felt so weak. But he had been wrong, so wrong. And in a rush, Javier realized that the same strange, debilitating love was tugging at them both.

Chapter Text

Javier’s revelation should have made everything simpler – but it didn’t. Now he had to face not only his feelings, but the new awareness of Yuzuru’s own feelings for him. They were weighing in uncomfortably against what had previously been an easy decision to ignore them and hope they go away. Javier took for granted that every intrusive thought and emotion about Yuzuru should be swiftly dealt with by instant repression. He buried them deep and hoped they’d smother in the ocean of his unconscious, without realizing that not only did they not drown, but they had learned to swim and were now coming for him. And every memory brought with it a pang – of guilt, anger, sadness, or yearning.

Eight years ago

Javier was preoccupied, and it took a while before Yuzuru managed to get his attention. IN fact, he was trying his best to ignore Yuzuru ever since he won in Sochi and Javier ended up off the podium. It was too much, and sometimes it seemed as if Yuzuru’s very presence brought back the pain and humiliation. But Yuzuru was very persistent when he wanted Javier’s attention, and Javier usually ended up giving in. He half-turned inquiringly, and Yuzuru skated close to him.. Javier registered his faint musky smell and the distracting drops of sweat on Yuzuru’s jaw, the rose petals of his lips half-opened as he breathed out heavily in exertion, before he noticed that Yuzuru was holding out his phone.

“Look at this, Habi”.

Javier turned his attention to the phone screen. It was a small collage of the two of them together, various candids and official photos taken during training, competitions, podiums. Tin most of them, they were smiling, glowing even, arms around each other – Javier couldn’t help a contagious smile from creeping on his face at the sight.

“What is this?” he asked.

“Something fans made.”

Yuzuru scrolled down and Javier read some of the comments, most of them involving hearts, and incentives to ‘get married’ and ‘now kiss’, those being the tamer ones.

Javier rolled his eyes a little.

“They’re pretty enthusiastic”, he said, a little coldly. “I hope they understand it’s all a fantasy. Sometimes they clog my instagram with such comments and it’s honestly a little annoying.”

“Mmm?” Yuzuru asked, as if he didn’t understand. Then he quickly added: “Yes, Habi, of course. It’s bad.”

He skated away before Javier could reply that ‘bad’ was a strong way of wording it – it was harmless, even if it grated on Javier’s nerves a little. His problem with such ‘fantasies’ wasn’t even that people assumed he and Yuzuru were hot for each other, it was that people took it for granted that in this, as in everything, he must play second-fiddle to Yuzuru.

Javier was left to wonder whether Yuzuru did understand any of what the fans were hinting at – he still had no idea whether Yuzuru was gay, straight, or just plain innocent. As he revisited that memory, Javier wondered whether or not he imagined the look of disappointment that crossed Yuzuru’s face as he skated off.

Seven years ago

Javier still couldn’t wrap his mind around the fact that he won. It seemed too incredible – he was uncertain, unlucky, prone to errors, always somehow putting a foot wrong, and there Yuzuru loomed to overtake him – forever invincible – hardly even human, with an almost robotic endless reserve of energy and what seemed at times like a monstrous will power and ability to push himself beyond human limits. And yet somehow, this time – unexpectedly, Javier had won. And not just any competition, too – the worlds championships.

Javier was elated, confused, shocked – he felt like he was suddenly on uneven ground – on shifting sands. He was almost afraid of facing Yuzuru, irrationally worried that Yuzuru might hate him now.

With a sinking feeling, he took in his training mate - Yuzuru was crying with frustration, but stubbornly denying it, even as tears flooded his eyes.

“Are you crying because you lost?” Javier asked, amused at the younger’s inability to hold in his emotions. His hands came up to cup Yuzuru’s nape – somehow still driven to protect the younger, even as the dynamics between them had shifted.

“No, no”, Yuzuru quickly shook his head, “not crying, I’m not crying-”

“You are”, Javier laughed, holding his face between his palms, even as Yuzuru was trying to hide himself.

“No”, Yuzuru repeated, frustrated at not being able to get his point across, “Very sorry that I lose but so happy for Habi, so I cry, I cry for Habi!”

He clung to Javier and Javier broke into a full grin as he hugged Yuzuru close.

“Crying for me?” he repeated, a little at a loss, but endeared beyond words. “Don’t cry for me, pequeño, don’t cry for me.”

Javier’s heart – already touched and vulnerable – was now squeezed in ever-growing tendrils of affection for the strange creature in his arms – Yuzuru always managed to surprise him – in ways both good and bad. Somehow he always defeated his expectations – either by exceeding them or by disappointing him, but this ensured that thoughts of Yuzuru were ever-constant.

Javier’s lovers would have been glad of occupying even half a fraction of his mind as Yuzuru did. But they stood no chance. Amid all the current and past lovers, thoughts of Yuzuru were a constant presence. They were coloured always by the same excitement – and a wistfulness that came with what he believed to be an unrequited love, or even a forbidden one. But – Javier was now forced to reassess this – if he had got to have Yuzuru, wouldn’t those thoughts have faded, wouldn’t that excitement have dimmed? As it always happened with all his relationships – once habit set in, wouldn’t he eventually fall out of love, and move on to the next pretty thing that sparkled? Something in Javier’s mind told him this wasn’t the case with Yuzuru, that he was perhaps the only exception to this rule. But what did he know?

Six years ago

This time, Javier felt more entitled to his win. He felt more certain of himself, he took pride in himself, and looked at Yuzuru from his hard-earned top spot almost condescendingly.

Yuzuru looked shaken – there were no tears this time, just his small pale face blanched with sorrow and regret. This time, the shock and disbelief was Yuzuru’s own.

Javier enjoyed his moment, but his eyes kept straying to Yuzuru – he couldn’t help but wonder how he was feeling now – Yuzuru was careful and diplomatic enough to be graceful towards Javier, but Javier knew for certain that inside, Yuzuru was boiling, feral. He felt somehow reassured by that, and excited at the prospect that he would now reign over Yuzuru’s mind much like Yuzuru reigned over his own. Javier had finally proven himself beyond all doubt. They were on even ground now.

Of course, he had no idea about Yuzuru’s injury, until later in the summer. And that’s when he remembered Yuzuru’s gala program, which Yuzuru had skated as if possessed by a divine spirit, as if that one performance would be his last. Javier thought, with some tingle of sympathy, that Yuzuru indeed had thought it might be his last – so maybe Yuzuru wasn’t thinking of him after all, but of his uncertain, maybe doomed future. It cast a shadow on Javier, even as his old familiar need to provide comfort resurfaced.

As always, when he was watching Yuzuru skate outside of a competition, without regard for his own placement, Javier wondered admiringly at Yuzuru’s skill – at his ability to portray emotion, at the way he swayed and bent to the music to tell a story. Sometimes, when Javier simply watched him, free of any concerns, he reflected that Yuzuru was beauty incarnated, everything that Javier imagined or wanted or dreamed about – it seemed as if Yuzuru was created purposefully to Javier’s liking, or how else could something exist that moulded exactly to his preferences, even before Javier could express them properly to himself. Yuzuru’s skating sparked both the desire and was in itself responsible for the satisfaction of that desire. Javier felt both jealous as a rival and hungry as he focused on the object of his interest.

When Yuzuru started to cultivate a carefully preserved distance between them after that event, Javier’s jealous hunger gradually morphed to full-blown resentment.

On the third day, Javier steeled himself and called Yuzuru.

Yuzuru answered on the third ring, in a tired, flat voice.

On hearing Yuzuru’s voice, Javier knew immediately he wasn’t on painkillers anymore. The low had really hit now for Yuzuru, with the Olympics entirely finished, and forced to look to a future he professed not to care about. Selfishly, Javier didn’t want to face a hopeless Yuzuru when for once he needed Yuzuru to have faith – in himself, in them, in precisely the sort of future that was uncertain and unpredictable. He would have dealt better with an overly excited silly Yuzuru, even if that meant merciless teasing and tantrums.

But Javier no longer had the luxury of picking his moment.

So he pressed on.

“Hello, Yuzu. Are you at home?”

“Yes”, Yuzuru deadpanned. “Home. Sendai.”

“Are you taking care of yourself now? Of your ankle?”

“Yes…”, Yuzuru morosely replied. “No ice.”

“I figured. It will be alright, Yuzu. It will be okay, you’ll see.”

“How do you know, Javi?” Yuzuru demanded, with some annoyance. “Everyone says this but you can’t know.”

“I can feel it”, Javier answered without thinking.

There was a pause. Javier gathered all his courage to get to the point. Despite Yuzuru’s apparent hostility, once Javier took the decision to confess, he would stubbornly persist on doing it, even if it did not look like it was the right moment for it.

“Remember how you asked me, Yuzu, a couple of weeks ago, when I called to apologize and made a bigger mess of it, to think about my feelings?”

Yuzuru made a non-committal noise that might have been taken as assent.

“Well, even though I wasn’t going to at first, your words seemed to speak directly to my memories. Yuzu, I’ve been remembering us. And, it’s been so long since we last saw each other, even longer since we shared the same space, the two of us with our complicated feelings…. I’m rambling I’m sorry – what I mean is the length of time that’s passed since then helped me to see things more clearly, get some perspective, you know? And the memories just rushed at me like whoa, I couldn’t stop them even if I tried, they came to me in so much detail, Yuzu, it’s as if I was living through them again! So I guess that… I finally understood some things. Most importantly I understood that there is a common denominator that ran through all of them, even the most painful ones… And that-”

“Javi”, Yuzuru interrupted. “My head hurts.”

“Alright, I’m sorry, I’ll get to the point. The point is – my feelings… I – at the centre of it all… there’s something that I’ve been trying to… Ah, screw it. Yuzu, I’m in love with you. For a long time. That’s it. That’s all there is to it. Everything else is just… details. And, more importantly, I know you love me too.”

Javier held his breath, and winced. It wasn’t the most enthusiastic or smooth declaration of love, but it would have to do, for now.

“I know”, Yuzuru answered immediately. “I know you are in love with me. I always know. And I know you know that I also in love with Javi.”

“How?” Javier wondered. “I only just realized it myself.”

“But I know. From how you act with me, and also... how you act when it’s about me. So maybe part of you knew already.”

“I suppose I’ve been in denial for quite some time”, Javier admitted. It was liberating to finally say the words. He didn’t know why Yuzuru sounded so restrained, so matter-of-fact, like they were discussing the weather. Javier wanted to shout with joy. Surely this was cause for celebration, that they both loved each other? He wasn’t that naive to think it would solve all their problems, but it surely deserved some excitement, some faith. For Javier, it was always amazing to realize he was in love – a rush of adrenaline and joy which coloured the world in brighter colours. Even vaguely aware of all the complications which would inevitably arise from his confession, Javier still glowed with happiness.

“So what does Javi want now?” Yuzuru asked, and Javier could finally hear the exhaustion in his voice. Yuzuru sounded so remote, that Javier’s mood sunk abruptly.

“What do I want?” Javier echoed. “Nothing, I just…” Yuzuru’s lack of reaction felt so frustrating to Javier. He was practically putting himself on the line, baring his heart and soul, and Yuzuru was acting like a ghost. “Aren’t you the one who wanted to know about my feelings?” Javier reminded Yuzuru. “You told me I should think about why I’m good to you, then bad to you, and why I end up crying because it’s all so unfair? Well, this is why. It’s because I love you like an idiot, even though my life would be much easier if I didn’t give a shit about you! Just thought you wanted to know. If you don’t, that’s fine”, he couldn’t help adding, ready to sink back into his old bitterness, nursing his hurt.

“I think…”, Yuzuru began on a thoughtful tone, “I think Javi can really only love me if I can’t skate. Can’t walk maybe. Then there is no danger. Then Javi will feel pity and be gentle with me, like he can be when he is not threatened. Maybe he will take home the broken bird that can’t fly and will take care of it. A pretty useless thing to keep company.”

“Fucking hell, Yuzu”, Javier reacted. “Such crazy thoughts…”

“Crazy? No, they are true, Javi. Sad but true. I think about this a lot, too, you know. Maybe more than you.”

“So do you wanna talk about who pushed who away when they felt threatened? Cause I don’t think that was me, Yuzu!”

“I didn’t push away. I wanted focus more on skating, so I didn’t lose to you again.”

“Whatever you say, Yuzuru. From where I was standing, you were cold and bitter because I beat you. You never bothered to explain anything anyway.”

“Or maybe I was just protecting myself, Javi”, Yuzuru argued, but without any real heat.

“What does that mean?” Javier demanded, but Yuzuru remained silent. “Okay… fine. Let’s try to find some common ground, okay? We were both in a sensitive situation, with complicated feelings about each other. We both ran hot and cold with each other. But Yuzu – all that’s over now. I was wrong to bring it up. Let’s leave all that in the past where it belongs.”

“What do you want, Javi?” Yuzuru repeated. “Honest.”

“Honestly?” Javier laughed sadly. “I thought just saying the words would be enough. I thought it would be a relief, maybe even a blessing. Everything between us, everything we are, is already so complicated, so shadowy. Maybe I wanted to bring a single point of light into it and see what happens. I thought that just by telling you that – that I love you – the next time some misunderstanding happens, we’ll know where we stand with each other. But apparently, we can’t even have that”, he ended, bitterly.

“You were always my point of light, Javi”, Yuzuru said, and Javier felt helpless with the whiplash he was getting. It was so like Yuzuru to focus on literally one single thing in his entire tirade and twist it to fit his purpose for god knows what reason, just as Javier was seeking to beat a hasty retreat.

“...And what am I supposed to say to that, Yuzu? Let me turn your question around, then: What do you want from me, Yuzu? Hm? Honest.”

“You know me, Javi”, Yuzuru answered quietly. “I want everything. And if I don’t get it, then I try, and try again. Until….”

“Until you stop wanting them”, Javier remembered, and his heart sank. “Does this mean you stopped wanting me?”

“This means I maybe stop… wanting things in general, Javi. This not just about you. Right now, I feel I don’t deserve nothing – anything - “, Yuzuru corrected himself dutifully.

“What are you talking about, Yuzu? You of all people can’t think like this”, Javier interrupted, horrified.

It had always been this way between them, so why should now be any different? When one of them was high, the other was low. When one of them felt on top of the world, the other was struggling with his demons in a pitfall. Javier was struck, again and again, of how hopelessly incompatible they were, even as they genuinely liked and sought each other. It was like they were kindred spirits separated by a fate that would have them forever apart. Javier knew that Yuzuru believed in fate, that for all his rational, calculated mind, he was also a superstitious, magical thinker. He kept items for good luck and had his little rituals, like they all did. If he once believed in his glorious destiny, did he now believe, with the same stubborn faith, in his downfall? Well, Javier didn’t – and wouldn’t. He would cut right through their Gordian knot and break their stupid curse into little bits. And if Yuzuru were to suddenly decide to let go of the thinning thread somehow still binding them together, Javier would take it upon him to stubbornly hang on.

“Javi…”, Yuzuru said, interrupting his thoughts. “Can you talk to me about something else? I don’t want talk about me, but I want to hear you. Even in Spanish is okay.”

Javier frowned again in confusion.

“Yuzu, if I speak in Spanish, you won’t understand me.”

“It’s okay. Just to hear your voice is good.”

Entirely at a loss, Javier shrugged. Nothing ever worked his way when it came to Yuzuru; there was no way of predicting which way things would go, no way he could anticipate, or plan for an outcome.

As always when Yuzuru asked for something directly, Javier resigned himself to doing whatever Yuzuru wanted. Still, Javier wished he was close enough so he could soothe Yuzuru not only with his voice, but also with his touch.

After he hung up the phone, Javier thought for a long time about their conversation. Yuzuru felt and sounded broken, beyond Javier’s help. It was the kind of hurt which was apparently beyond comfort, Yuzuru wanted to be alone; and lick his wounds in darkness. Yuzuru’s entire life had been skating, and now he was facing the very real possibility that he may never skate again. Whenever this happened before, Yuzuru always somehow bounced back, beyond hope or reason. Javier never knew what dark thoughts swirled through Yuzuru’s mind on such occasions, because Yuzuru never shared them. In such situations, he had always fled to Japan and avoided not only Javier, but also Brian, and everyone else. And now, Yuzuru was doing the same – retreating, avoiding. Well, now Javier won’t let him. Javier belatedly realized that Yuzuru was comparatively less affected by Javier’s blunder than he expected him to be. That was because an even greater shock and sorrow loomed in the background. But Yuzuru had also engaged Javier – he talked to him, he told him to think about his feelings. Did he do all this just to distract himself, with no ulterior motive? Was it just the painkillers talking?

It seemed that Javier was back to the eternal question:

What did Yuzuru really want?

Yuzuru had told him he didn’t feel like he wanted (or deserved!) anything; but that was something Javier instantly dismissed. From where Javier stood, if you stopped wanting things, you were dead. Not even in his most depressed and worthless states did Javier stop wanting. The idea frightened him. He wanted nothing more than to travel to Yuzuru and shake him physically, do something shocking to snap him out of his apathy – kiss him perhaps? the insidious thought was slapped away even as it crawled into Javier’s mind: now was not the time for silly games; this was serious. Javier had never felt more helpless, when faced with the distance between them and the travel restrictions which made it impossible for him to enter Japan. Yuzuru always responded beautifully to his touch, and he knew he would be able to make Yuzuru see things his way, if he only got to stand face to face with him and hold him in his arms.

The wish to see Yuzuru suddenly became less about Yuzuru and more about himself, as Javier realized he missed him something fierce – he desperately wanted him close. As it turned out, just telling it out loud wasn’t enough – Javier needed a more physical manifestation of his love.

Never before had Javier suffered quite like this – whenever he fell in love before, it was always a simple matter of pursuing his love interest, usually successfully, and without facing major hurdles. He had never been confronted with so many obstacles, not to mention an actual interdiction of coming close to the one he loved. He had been close to Yuzuru for so long, and had so many opportunities to act impulsively on his desires. Yet somehow, in this one aspect, Javier had always been restrained. And now, when Yuzuru was so far away and out of reach, for all intents and purposes impossible to get to – Javier was burning with the need to be close – oh if he could only be in the same room as Yuzuru, he’d… he’d what-?

Javier cursed to himself. He didn’t know what he would do, but the longing suddenly became unbearable.

He had to see Yuzuru, and soon.

But what was he supposed to do?

Chapter Text

Javier was still frantically debating his choices when he received a call from his manager.

“So, Javi, I take it you solved your little problem, yes? Your schedule for this summer is looking good!”

“Yes, yes”, Javier nodded, absently. Ice shows were the last thing on his mind now.

“I’ve received your Fantasy on Ice contract for this year”, his manager went on, “and I’m gonna forward it to you to sign in the next couple of days, there’s no rush, since the first show is at the end of May, but I’m glad that’s settled….”

“Yeah sure”, Javier agreed, carelessly, but then his eyes widened as he got an idea. “Wait, they sent the contract already?”

“Yes. I already confirmed your participation, so you’re as good as booked.”

This was it. The answer to his question and his prayer. This contract would be his ticket – or the first step in getting his ticket, to Japan.

“Please send me that contract right now!” Javier said, breathlessly.

“Why the rush?”

“So I can get a visa!”

“Don’t worry, I’ll take care of the visa and all documents, as per usual. There’s plenty of time until May…”

“No, I need a visa now, as soon as possible! This is a sign, it has to be a sign!” Javier mumbled to himself in agitation, and his manager paused, worried, before questioning him:

“Javi, are you okay? You sound… feverish. The doctors gave you the all clear, right? Maybe you should rest some more…”

“I’m alright!” Javier cut him off. “I just…. Look, I need to get to Japan. Not in May, but now, as fast as I can. I need to… I need to see someone”, he revealed, anticipating a string of questions from his manager.

“… Who?” his manager asked. “And what’s the rush? Oh wait…. Is this about Miki again? I thought you were over her, Javi…”, he went on, disappointment in his voice.

“It’s not Miki”, Javier answered automatically.

“So it’s some other romantic entanglement of yours, then?” his manager caught on. “What sweet young thing got your attention now, to make you lose your head, again?”

Javier bit back a colourful retort. He wasn’t like that – was he?

“Look – it’s not what you think.”

“Bullshit, Javi. I know you well enough. Hear me out, you need to rest. There will be time for escapades in Japan, alright?”

His manager’s condescending tone made Javier want to scream.

“No – you don’t understand; I need to get to Japan now”, he stubbornly insisted, clutching his phone. “If you won’t help me, consider yourself fired.”

“Javi”, his manager reacted, stunned. “You can’t be serious. What’s gotten into you, amigo?”

Love – Javier thought. That’s what’s gotten into me. Or simply the awareness of love buried deep and unwilling to lay dormant anymore.

“Just help me”, he said, instead.

“If you want me to help you, I’m gonna need to hear more”, his manager said, sternly. “Start with an explanation of what exactly you want to do. I’m the one who has to clean your boots whenever you decide to step in some shit, so forgive me if I need to know what you’re getting into this time.”

“It has nothing to do with you”, Javier replied. “This is personal.”

But how personal was it, really? If it all went Javier’s way, wouldn’t it become quite public, soon? The realization sent a shiver along Javier’s spine, dread and excitement strangely mixed.

“It has to do with Yuzuru”, Javier finally confessed. “I need to see him.”

“Oh?” his manager sounded confused. “But I thought you fixed things with him.”

“I did”, Javier replied. “But while doing that, I also… unearthed some other things. There’s history between us that needs to be settled in person.”

“But can’t it wait until May?”

“It absolutely can’t wait!” Javier said, firmly. “I talked to Yuzuru these days and he’s – well, let’s just say he’s not himself. I’ve never heard him sound so defeated. I think he needs help.”

“Okay…”, his manager said, slowly, as if he was struggling to process everything Javier was unexpectedly throwing at him, “but why should you be the one to help him?”

“Oh, I know he has an entire team at his disposal”, Javier said, rolling his eyes a little. “But this is something he’d never share with others.”

“But he shared it with you? Did he say he wants your help? Javi, what’s really going on?”

“I’m in love with him”, Javier spoke up, as if unable to hold it in any longer. “So I guess this makes whatever Yuzuru is going through both my problem and my responsibility.”

“What??” his manager’s voice rose in shock at the sudden reveal. “And why your responsibility?”

“Because I feel guilty. And because I finally realized how closely entangled we’ve always been – and we still are. Everything we do somehow finds its way back to the other, and that can be both a blessing and a curse.”

“Javi – I don’t understand what you’re saying”, the manager said, almost apologetically.

“Never mind”, Javier smiled sadly. It’s just that I realized some things recently – and I took some decisions. Our feelings are out in the open now, and we need to sit down together and talk properly – which be a first for us.”

“Dios… It’s like when you hit your head, it rearranged everything in there”, his manager blurted out.

Javier almost snorted at the description.

“That’s sort of how it happened”, he admitted.

“So did you confess your feelings? And he feels the same way?”

“Yes. Except it wasn’t the joy and fireworks that usually goes with such declarations. He just sounded defeated.”

“I don’t know, Javi. You said it yourself many times – his life is complicated. Maybe that’s why there was no joy – he knows that realistically nothing can happen between the two of you.”

“It’s more than that. I know him, and I’ve seen him at his lowest. But I’ve never heard him sound so strange – beyond even tears. I have to be there for him – even if nothing comes out of it for me.”

“Dios”, his manager repeated. He sighed. “Okay, I guess you need your visa then. But… just to make my job easier… do you think you can keep this… as low profile as possible?”

“I have to”, Javier said, grimly. “Otherwise I’ll never even make it past his entorno.”

Three weeks later, Javier was in Japan, with nothing but a very vague plan about how he was going to see Yuzuru and what he will say to him.

Yuzuru hadn’t called him back since that night, when he asked Javier to speak to him in Spanish. With no idea what to monologue about to someone who didn’t understand a word of Spanish, Javier had gone and aimlessly picked a book off a shelf. He opened it at random, coughed, and read, a little self-consciously, from a poem he didn’t remember reading before:

Todo pasa y todo queda,

pero lo nuestro es pasar,

pasar haciendo caminos,

caminos sobre el mar.

Nunca persequí la gloria,

ni dejar en la memoria

de los hombres mi canción;

yo amo los mundos sutiles,

ingrávidos y gentiles,

como pompas de jabón.

Me gusta verlos pintarse

de sol y grana, volar

bajo el cielo azul, temblar

súbitamente y quebrarse…

Nunca perseguí la gloria.

Javier couldn’t really identify with what he read; both him and Yuzuru were people who did search for glory; but he made no comment about the poem’s meaning, and Yuzuru didn’t ask. Yuzuru was quiet; Javier could only hear his soft breathing. When Javier paused, Yuzuru said:

“Sounds beautiful. Spanish is very musical language. More beautiful than English.”

“You would think so”, Javier laughed. “Do you want to hear more?”

“No”, Yuzuru said. “Thank you, Javi. Gracias.”

“Buenas noches, Yuzu.”

Now Javier wondered if Yuzuru meant all this as a more permanent goodbye. Even if he did, Javier wouldn’t allow it. He was forging a path now, like the poem said, un camino sobre el mar, all the way to Yuzuru.

Javier had no idea where Yuzuru lived, so showing up at his house was out of the question, even if he would somehow summon the nerve to do it. But there was one place he knew Yuzuru would be – at the ice rink.

Or so he thought.

Javier’s arrival at the ice rink in Sendai caused a bit of a stir – they all recognized him and greeted him with enthusiasm, asking for autographs and pictures. Saya reprimanded him for not announcing his arrival, complaining that her distracted brother did not even mention it to her. Javier was forced to admit, with a pained smile, that Yuzuru did not know about his arrival.

“It’s sort of a surprise, heh. I wanted to be here and surprise him when he arrives. Speaking of which, when is he coming here to train?”

Saya’s face fell a little at that, and everyone else shuffled around, and dispersed, as if they all remembered they had work to do.

“Is everything alright?” Javier asked, with a sinking feeling. “Yuzuru…. He is still skating, right? We have ice shows soon, he can’t be slacking off!” he tried to joke, but the corners of his mouth turned down in anxiety, already fearing the worst. “Saya, please tell me, what’s wrong with him!”

“I take it you don’t know much about his injury”, Saya finally said, with a long-suffering sigh. “Of course you don’t. He doesn’t like talking about it, so of course he wouldn’t tell you.”

“I know he’s injured”, Javier said quickly. “But I don’t know how bad.”

Saya looked up at him, seriously.

“Javi, the doctors are saying my brother won’t skate again.”

“No”, Javier echoed, dully, shaking his head in fervent denial. His ears rang with Yuzuru’s earlier words to him: “I think Javi can really only love me if I can’t skate. Maybe he will take home the broken bird that can’t fly and take care of it.” Did Yuzuru know back then? Was that why he said those words?

“I’m afraid it’s true”, Saya said, sadly. “All the doctors we’ve been to so far confirmed it. Skating at competitive level is out of the question, jumps are out of the question, in fact any move that puts strain on the ankle, and you know Yuzuru – he can’t stand on the ice without showing off.”

“But”, Javier stammered, “this has to be temporary, right? A temporary thing…?”

Saya shook her head sadly.

“We don’t know. All we can do is wait and see how it goes.”

“How is he?” Javier asked, faintly. “How is he taking it?”

Saya shrugged.

“Surprisingly well. He’s not arguing, or going against the doctor’s orders. He spends his time gaming. He seems resigned.”

Javier remembered the hollow sound of Yuzuru’s voice and shook his head.

“I don’t think this means he’s fine.”

“I didn’t say he was fine”, Saya countered. “Just that he’s taking it well. How he really feels about it – only he knows.”

“Saya… I actually came here to talk to him. But now...” Javier ran a hand over his face – it’s all gotten so much more complicated. “I wanted to … I actually wanted to make sure he was well, because I was worried about him. But now I realize … what can I possibly say to him to make it better? Maybe it’s better if I didn’t see him after all.”

Saya’s reaction surprised him.

“No Javi, no! You must see him. You’ve always had a way with him.”

Javier smiled sadly.

“That was a long time ago, Saya. I don’t know who I am to him anymore, if I’m anyone at all.”

“You’re more special to him than you know”, Saya said.

“I know he has feelings for me”, Javier said, calmly, ignoring Saya’s shocked face, “and now he knows I have feelings for him too. Somehow this doesn’t make us any less strangers to each other, under the circumstances. I guess whoever said love solves everything was wrong.”

“Depends what kind of love”, Saya argued. “Maybe the kind that’s only grand confessions and gestures wouldn’t work now. But I for one believe in the quiet, steady, stubborn kind of love that is always there, and never stops providing. It’s what we’ve been trying to give Yuzu. It’s also what’s Yuzu has been giving us in return. And I think, in his own way, it’s what Yuzu has been giving you all these years.”

Javier shook his head mutely. He could see it now in retrospect – how Yuzuru has been giving him that quiet, steady sort of love, but Javier – used to a different kind of expressing his affections, has all but ignored it. His tired eyes were stinging with tears, and he rubbed at them, uncaring of how the rough treatment made them even more red and sore.

“What should I do, Saya?” he finally asked. “Tell me.”

Saya shrugged.

“I’m wary of giving relationship advice to others”, she grimaced, “especially to you whose relationship with my brother is already so complicated… I don’t think I understand much of it. But one of my favourite dramas taught me that if you let go of past scores and resentments, you’re out of the valley of ghosts and free to love. So maybe you should meet Yuzuru with fresh eyes. Let go of the past and just be with him, if that’s what you really want.”

Javier reflected.

“I can’t let go of the past, and I don’t think that’s what Yuzu wants to, either. Our shared past made us who we are, for better or for worse. Thank you for the advice, Saya. I really do want to be with him – and I’m ready to accept him as he comes – if he wants me to.”

“Oh, he wants to”, Saya hurried to say. “I can tell you as much – if at first he rejects you – don’t give up. He has his pride, and you already hurt his feelings so much, especially now that he sees himself as worthless…” - Javier cringed to hear that, “but he still loves you. I can tell, by how he brings you up in conversation with pretend casualness, by how his voice climbs higher when he says your name…”

Javier swallowed. The idea that he might have a chance, after all, was both thrilling and daunting. What would it be like – to get something he wanted so much and denied himself for so long – even when not fully aware of the extent of his own feelings, the want and the denial bubbling just under the surface in their every interaction.

“I get off work in 2 hours. If you want, I’ll take you home to see Yuzuru, then”, Saya said, and Javier could only nod, gratefully.

“Thank you so much.”

“If you can snap him out of his brooding, I’ll be the grateful one”, Saya said. “Do your best.”

And Javier felt again the mixture of exhilaration and fear, as he settled to wait.

Saya brought Javier at the house without announcing his arrival to Yuzuru. She led him up a flight of stairs, in front of a closed door, and nodded at him, smiling. Javier’s heart was beating fast with pure anxiety, not knowing what to expect. He wouldn’t have been surprised at all if Yuzuru were to kick him out.

When Javier came in, Yuzuru was sitting at a table, facing away from the door, earphones on, focused on gaming.

Without thinking, Javier tiptoed behind him, carefully took an earphone out and bent to whisper in his ear:

“Hola, Yuzu.”

Yuzuru didn’t jump or startle, but he froze. He paused the game, and turned to look at Javier, eyes so wide that Javier couldn’t help laughing. Yuzuru kept on staring at him, his expression of shock gradually giving over to a frown.

“How you here Javi?” he finally said, voice high.

It felt good to really surprise Yuzuru for once, make him react without prior consideration. Javier wanted to savour it for as long as he could, but he also didn’t want to risk annoying him. So he answered, in simple and straightforward terms:

“I’m here because I got my FAOI contract and my manager worked hard to get my visa as soon as possible. You’re a difficult person to get to, by the way. I needed more documents to enter Japan than I needed clothes for the trip. But now that I’m thoroughly tested, vaccinated, and healthy, here I am.”

“But why?” Yuzuru croaked.

“I wanted to see you.”

“You wanted… but Fantasy on ice is soon.”

“Yes, but not soon enough. I really couldn’t wait to see you”, Javier insisted.

Yuzuru looked him up and down, still suspicious.

“How come here?”

His English was adorably failing him in the wake of his shock, but luckily Javier was familiar enough with his speech patterns to understand what Yuzuru meant to ask.

“Well, I obviously didn’t know where you lived, but I went to the rink, where I met your sister. She brought me here.”

“Hmpf. She didn’t say.”

“I think she wanted to surprise you.”

“Hhhn. I talk to her later.”

“Are you gonna kick me out now?” Javier smiled.

Yuzuru blinked, then gathered himself. He pulled the other earphone out of his ear, and rose out of his chair, motioning for Javier to sit. There was no other place to sit in the room, other than an unmade bed. Javier was surprised to see it, because he had always witnessed Yuzuru being a scrupulously tidy and organized person. Yuzuru himself was dressed plainly, in a pair of grey sweatpants and a faded grey t-shirt. His small face was pale and drawn, with big dark circles under his eyes. He seemed shorter than Javier remembered him.

Yuzuru went over to a closet, and pulled out a cushion, which he carelessly threw on the floor, near the chair. Javier noticed he was limping slightly as he walked. As Yuzuru was about to sit on the cushion, Javier said:

“Can you bring another one for me, too? I’ll sit on the floor with you, I don’t want to look down on you when we talk.”

Yuzuru threw him a look.

“I think Javi always want look down on me”, he quipped, and Javier stared at him.

“Your English has gotten much better”, he said, sarcastically.

Yuzuru giggled, vindicated, and brought another cushion for Javier, inviting him on it with the same grandly polite gesture he used to invite Javier to step down from the podium first. The thought brought memories back to Javier’s mind, and he smiled.

“Do you remember our first podium together?” he asked. He had been visited by so many instances from the past lately that it was only fitting that he’d try to reconnect with Yuzuru by leading him down the same path of shared memories. “You almost fell off when you stepped down from the top spot, they gave you much stuff to carry.”

“What? No, I didn’t!”

“Yes, I had to help you down!” Javier teased.

“Noo, nnn…”, Yuzuru shook his head firmly from side to side.

“Yeah, you were really exhausted that day. I couldn’t understand why you put in so much effort for a challenger. But you were such a trooper-”

“That wasn’t our first podium”, Yuzuru interrupted. “Our first was Rostelecom 2011.”

“My mistake, I meant our first podium as team mates.”

“The first one when you tickled me”, Yuzuru put in.

“I’ll tickle you right now”, Javier retorted, and started to reach for him. “In fact, that’s why I came here all this way, you know.”

He was stopped short by the look in Yuzuru’s eyes – an intimidating glare. It seemed to call him out for pretending that no time at all has passed since they were training at the Cricket Club, like they hadn’t become almost strangers in the meantime.

“I never think you come here”, Yuzuru said. “I… very big surprise.”

“Good or bad surprise?”

“I don’t know”, Yuzuru answered seriously, looking at Javier, then at the surroundings, and then at Javier again, incredulously. “Depends why you here.”

“Our last conversation…”, Javier began, searching for words, “it scared me a bit. You sounded so broken, so defeated. To me you’re a conquistador, you always play to win. And when you said that you no longer want things, or deserved things, it felt so strange, Yuzu – I was worried.”

“So you came… here? Why?”

“Well, to tickle you back to happiness, of course! I’ll do it, as long as I have to, Yuzu!”

Under Yuzuru’s serious stare, Javier kept falling into his old familiar ways of playing the clown. That’s what used to make Yuzuru cave in and laugh before. However, Yuzuru now simply stared back, not a flicker of amusement in his gaze.

“Tickle not enough, Javi”, he said, seriously. “Situation very bad.”

“I know, I know. Saya told me”, Javier added, almost apologetically. “I’m so sorry, Yuzu.”

He tentatively reached for Yuzuru’s hand. Despite Yuzuru being so rigid and forbidding, Javier didn’t let himself be intimidated, and squeezed at Yuzuru’s fingers, taking his smaller hand hostage in his own. Yuzuru twitched like he was going to wring his hand abruptly free, but Javier held it down on his own thigh, and kept it there, stroking it gently. He was satisfied to notice that Yuzuru relaxed minutely under the touch, shoulders slightly sagging, leaving his hand passively stranded in Javier’s hold. With this small victory, Javier gained some courage.

“I’m sorry”, he repeated. “But I still have the feeling that all will be well. Maybe you just need to give it time, Yuzu. Just wait.”

“Waiting is hard”, Yuzuru murmured.

“Mmmm. I can wait with you. Maybe we can find some enjoyable ways to pass the time.”

Yuzuru looked at him out of the corner of his eye.

“I don’t understand”, he said stubbornly, although Javier could notice the hint of a blush on his cheeks.

Javier laughed quietly. He squeezed Yuzuru’s hand.

“Yuzu, look at me. I want to tell you face to face. I’m in love with you. I loved you for several long years.”

Yuzuru’s mouth was a thin line of tension.

“I’m broken now, so you came for me”, he said, evenly.

“That’s not true!” Javier contradicted firmly. “I’ve loved you just as much when you were strong and winning everything in sight, even at my expense. You know I did.”

“But Javi never say or do anything before”, Yuzuru remarked.

“Well, Yuzu never say or do anything, either”, Javier quipped.

“That’s because… I’m scared”, Yuzuru confessed, simply. “And.. Javi doesn’t mean love like I do. Javi is straight.”

Javier sighed. It was time for a longer explanation.

“You’re right, I’ve never thought of myself as anything other than straight. There were of course these feelings towards you, but I’ve never examined them or questioned them, they just were - I filed them away and never thought about what they might mean about me; I still don’t. And I’ve never felt for another man what I feel for you. Isn’t it strange? So I think maybe – you’re different. Different from all my past crushes and relationships. Look - I just want you to know, Yuzu – it’s okay to be scared. People usually are, when they take a new step, when they start a new relationship. No one can promise forever and mean it. I could lie to you, but I don’t want to, Yuzu – exactly because you’re special to me, I want to be honest. So I don’t know where I will be in a few years from now. But right now, and for more than eight years now – I love you. And having finally realized this, I want to be with you so much. Now – I’m in your hands. Whatever you decide I will respect it, because it’s your decision. But Yuzu, even if you reject me, I want you to be happy. I don’t want you to feel depressed, or worthless. You’re a fighter – a winner – your fate is to overcome difficulties, not fade into this… grey. I want to help you, if you’ll have me, Yuzu – we’ll destroy these bad feelings together – even if you don’t want me as a partner, then as a friend.”

Yuzuru’s hand twitched restlessly in Javier’s hold, even before Javier finished speaking. Yuzuru frowned slightly, and worried his lip between his teeth, while Javier watched him.

“Javi…”, he finally said. “I want to think about this carefully…”

“Take all the time you need”, Javier said, giving his hand an encouraging squeeze.

“… I want to think about it, but I’m so tired”, Yuzuru continued. “And I think about this a lot in the past. Maybe too much, until I lose all hope.”

Javier’s heart squeezed in his chest. This didn’t sound good so far. Will Yuzuru reject him? Probably.

Yuzuru looked down at their joined hands, and smiled sadly.

“The thing is, you and me never really tried, did we?” he went on, voice a little high. Javier hoped Yuzuru wouldn’t start crying, because then he’d be forced to smother him in a bear hug and forget all about any conclusion to this conversation. But Yuzuru didn’t cry, he simply went on, wistfully: “We could have kissed, but we didn’t. We could have dated.”

“Yes, and we could have jumped each other in the locker room showers”, Javier chimed in, lightly. “There was always that tension between us, wasn’t there?”

“We wanted all these things, right? But we never did them.”

“Yes, we were always so proper with each other, never crossed a line. Not surprising for you, but for me perhaps it is. I tend to be impulsive. As you know. From, uh – recent events. Which I’d like to apologize for again, and mean it, this time.”

Yuzuru shrugged.

“It was mistake, Javi. Anyone can make mistakes.”

“Not you. You always think things through, you’re rational and calculated.”

“But I think”, Yuzuru began carefully, speaking slowly to make sure that what he wanted to say came across, “I think if everyone stop to think long and hard about things all the time, they never finish anything, right? Especially something so… complicated like relationships.”

“Ah”, Javier said. “Is that why you never…”, he started, then stopped himself.

“Yes”, Yuzuru nodded. “I think too much. But sometimes maybe it’s better to be impulsive, just to go with it, see where it takes you.”

“It might take you somewhere you may not really want to be”, Javier said, with a self-deprecating smile.

“But it can also take me new wonderful places.”

Javier looked up at Yuzuru, startled at this sudden hopeful turn in the conversation. Yuzuru was looking back at him with shining eyes, and to Javier, he had never been more beautiful.

“Madrid is lovely at this time of year”, Javier started to say. He was rambling, but he didn’t care. “There are several beautiful places that I can’t wait to show you. If you feel up to it, I mean. I know the pressure and everything is still there for you, and I understand if you….”

“If I am brave enough to go for the quad axel, I am brave enough to try to be with the man I love”, Yuzuru interrupted. He shrugged, pointedly. “Otherwise, what’s the point?”

“Indeed”, Javier agreed, his heart beating faster. “Oh yes. That’s my brave Yuzu. So this means…”

“It means I am here”, Yuzuru opened his arms – “and we are together now. What are you going to do, Javi?”

It sounded like a dare, and Javier had to laugh. It felt good to have back the Yuzuru who challenged him, even if it was a different challenge this time.

He turned Yuzuru’s hand around and pressed a kiss into his palm. Then he closed Yuzuru’s palm in a fist and pressed it to his heart.

“Do you trust me, then?”

“Yes.”

Javier stood up, and pulled Yuzuru to his feet, as well. He wanted to feel Yuzuru close, skin to skin, and reassure himself of their new and wonderful closeness. Like Yuzuru had said, it was something long years in the making, never acted on, but always wished for. Javier undressed Yuzuru slowly, unhurriedly, then undressed himself as well. Finally naked, they slipped into the unmade bed. When they pressed against each other, Yuzuru gasped and shivered, and Javier moaned. They simply lay together for a while, waiting for their erratic heartbeats to settle.

Finally, Javier nudged Yuzuru’s chin with soft fingers, making him look up at him. He searched Yuzuru’s wide eyes for an answer to his unspoken question, and when it seemed he received it, he slowly leaned in and kissed him.

For every time that he had hurt him, or was hurt by him, there was a kiss – given or stolen, until the sweetness of their touches and the warmth of their skin soothed past hurts like a healing balm, and spread the tingle of hope and excitement through their veins. A rush of blood to the head that never felt more perfect.

One that finally felt right.