Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The repurposed ectobiology-lab-turned-spacefaring-vessel is hurtling through space at a frankly difficult to comprehend rate, tailed by the two carapician abominations like cans tied to the bumper of a pickup truck after a particularly ill-advised marriage. The meteor has now survived being shot through the Furthest Ring and then being ping-ponged right back on its way to an altogether new session.

Inside the meteor it’s the setup to a poor joke: two gods and four trolls walk into a bar.

The metaphorical bar is, in this case, the weekly strategy meeting. The weekly cursory (but still shitty attempt) at getting anything even mildly productive done.

Rose sits at the head of the table. Rather, what she has decided is the head of the table. Vriska and Terezi also both think they’re the ones leading the meeting at their respective heads of the table.

ROSE: You mean to tell me that despite being in your session of Sburb for over a month-
TEREZI: WH4T’S 4 MONTH?
ROSE: You are well aware what a month is at this point, and I know you’re purposefully antagonizing me just to entertain yourself.
TEREZI: Y3P!
ROSE: You mean to tell me that despite being in your session of Sburb for over a month, only-
TEREZI: 1 W4SN’T DON3 Y3T
ROSE: Oh yes, let’s harass one of the most useful possible roles in a strategic meeting. What a grand plan we’re embarking on. I simply cannot wait to show up at the final battle having bitched away three years with the lot of you, succumbing to-
TEREZI: WH4T’S 4 Y34R?

Rose’s long-suffering sigh echoes about the space, almost rivaling the chip-crunching coming from Dave’s side of the table (decidedly not the head of the table in anyone’s opinion). He's sat at truly the most strategic position at the table: the snack corner.

KARKAT: HEY FUCKFACE, YEAH, YOU WITH THE SHADES-
KARKAT: DON'T ACT LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW WHO I'M TALKING ABOUT, STRIDER, YOU'RE THE ONLY DOUCHE WITH THE SHADES PRESENT.
KARKAT: IF YOU POKE AT ME WITH THOSE DORITO TOUCH STUBS EVEN ONE MORE TIME YOU BULGESUCKING ASSHOLE, I AM GOING TO COMMIT A CRIME HORRIBLE ENOUGH TO VIOLATE THE GENEVA CONVENTION, REGARDLESS OF THE IMPROBABILITY, AND *YOU* WILL BE THE SOLE VICTIM.
DAVE: wait trolls have the geneva convention
DAVE: this is news to me
DAVE: didnt your entire species just go around all the time committing horrible war crimes and eating babies
KANAYA: I Am Certain At This Point We Have Debunked Your Assumption That Any Food Item With The Word Grub In It Is Actually Made Of Troll Larvae
KANAYA: Multiple Times In Fact
KANAYA: Quite Thoroughly
KANAYA: But Alas How Your Misconception Persists
KARKAT: AS I WAS SAYING, THE GENEVA CONVENTION WAS MADE AFTER AN HEIRESS NAMED GENEVA PEIXES ATTEMPTED TO KILL THE PREVIOUS EMPRESS, WHEN-

Karkat pauses to stare as Dave begins counting on his fingers while mouthing something, stopping once he reaches six fingers raised and nodding in personal satisfaction before motioning at Karkat to continue.

Terezi has now become distracted enough from upsetting Rose to chime into this conversation instead.

TEREZI: HUM4NS H4V3 TH3 G3N3V4 CONV3NT1ON TOO?
DAVE: uh yeah it says dont do war crimes
VRISKA: Sorry to 8reak up your *very important conversations*, 8ut-
TEREZI: OH YOUR’3 NOT SORRY 4T 4LL, YOU S4D S4CK OF BON3S 4ND F41RYDUST
VRISKA: Is this not a strategy meeting? Should you all not 8e listening to me, your leader and strategist?

This time, Rose decaptchalogues her dedicated screaming pillow from her sylladex, burying her face in the plush velvet.

VRISKA: Since Rose clearly has something so important to say that it overrules my leadership and fucking squanders just how generous I am to host these meetings, let’s hear it then! Let's hear the 8rilliant Seer of Light's commentary!
ROSE: As I was *trying* to say, about five interruptions and two and a half conversation topics ago: is it true that between the twelve players in your session, only two ascended to god tier?
ROSE: God Tier?
ROSE: No, I don't think it's a proper noun actually. I was right to begin with.
VRISKA: Well, o8viously I’m included in the highest tiers of players, so it would only 8e natural for me to have ascended to god tier.

As she’s speaking, Vriska’s usual outfit of jeans and a t-shirt glistens as it fades into her god tier robes with all the subtlety and glamour of a particularly shitty PowerPoint transition. Her revealed wings twitch, getting fairy dust on the table and also Terezi, who sneezes.

Rose makes a sour expression at Vriska's outfit change but regardless, her own pajamas glitter similarly before she speaks up again, dressing her in the bright gold of Light players.

Dave is always in his Knight robes. He doesn’t know how to do laundry.

KANAYA: Ah I See So Getting Thoroughly Beaten And Left On The Verge Of Death By Aradia Is All That It Takes To Be Considered The Highest Tier Of Player
KANAYA: I Suppose I Am Then Grateful To Be Left In The Dust Of Your Outstanding Conquests And Consequently Far Away From The Blood You Got Everywhere From Dragging Your Dripping Corpse To Your Quest Cocoon By Express Air Delivery
KANAYA: Tavros Unfortunately In Tow For That Entire Situation
VRISKA: Hey, w8, how did you know a8out that?
KANAYA: Oh You Know How Trolls Are About Gossip
KANAYA: Also You Never Cleaned Up The Blood-
VRISKA: Who the fuck has time to clean up 8lood? We were on the adventure of a lifetime!
KANAYA: The Blood Trail Leading Directly To The Exploded Remnants Of The Quest Cocoon
KANAYA: Nor Did You Bother To Clean Up The Body Parts Strewn About Quite Festively

Dave can be seen gagging at this image. There is more Dorito dust on Karkat’s sweater and yet, no crimes committed other than the sullying of the cloth.

VRISKA: Well, whatever.
TEREZI: 1N OUR D3F3NS3, TH3 GOD T13R QU3STL1N3 1S V3RY F4R 1N SGRUB’S PROGR3SS1ON
KARKAT: IF YOU WIGGLERS HADN’T SPENT ALL OF YOUR TIME GETTING DISTRACTED BY PERSONAL DRAMA AND YOUR INDIVIDUALLY FUCKED UP BRANDS OF IDIOTIC WHIMSY WE MIGHT HAVE ALL REACHED THAT POINT, YOU KNOW.
TEREZI: S4YS TH3 TROLL WHO SP3NT TH3 WHOL3 G4M3 4RGU1NG W1TH H1MS3LF 1N TH3 MOST 1N4N3 M4NN3R POSS1BL3
DAVE: sburb had a progression?
VRISKA: Oh my god.
ROSE: I really do hate to agree with Vriska, but I actually do in this incredibly rare instance. Sburb clearly had a very rich and interesting storyline and depths we couldn’t even hope to reach in the matter of hours we spent in our native session.
KANAYA: Did You Not Spend Most Of Those Hours Methodically Destroying Each And Every Part Of Your Planet In A Pointless Exercise Of Adolescent Frustration
ROSE: Right idea, wrong reasoning.
ROSE: Darling Kanaya, I was *gamebreaking*.

Rose is making an insufferably smug expression, taking altogether too much pride in her completely ineffective foray into real-life gamebreaking.

KARKAT: A SESSION OF SGRUB IS SUPPOSED TO LAST WELL OVER A HUMAN MONTH. I DON’T KNOW WHAT *YOU* FREAKS OF NATURE WERE DOING WITH YOUR SESSION, BUT IT CLEARLY WASN’T RIGHT IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM.
ROSE: Is Sburb not an open-world game? There was progression, yes, but we fast tracked around it and directly to the important parts.
KANAYA: I Think That You Fast Tracked Yourself Directly Around And Far Away From Anything Even Remotely Close To What Could Be Called The Important Parts
KANAYA: In Fact It Is Almost Impressive Just How Much You Seemed To Miss The Point And Fail To Complete Any Goals
DAVE: uh no thats a lie
DAVE: me and jade were all tight with those frogs
DAVE: super frog bros
DAVE: like that game with the plumber and mushrooms
ROSE: With... with the plumber. And the mushrooms.
DAVE: yeah exactly
ROSE: You know what, I think I am just going to stop questioning your strangely patchy and inaccurate knowledge of pop culture. I think that will be best for all of us.
KARKAT: (ROSE IF YOU GET HIM ON THE TOPIC OF THAT INFERNAL SKATEBOARDING GAME AGAIN I *WILL* BE COMING INTO YOUR BLOCK AND EMPTYING THE ENTIRE TRIANGLE CHEESE SNACK BAG INTO YOUR BLANKETS.)
ROSE: See, just a few minutes ago, you called them Doritos. It’s almost as if you’re randomly making up Alternian sounding phrases to fuck with us, which would be oh so counterproductive to teamwork.
KANAYA: Yes Karkat Shame On You
KANAYA: Assimilating Into Human Culture With Their Inferior Non Descriptive Names For Various Items And Concepts
KANAYA: How Could You Ever Deprive Us Of The Proper Terminology For Nacho Cheese Tastic Triangular Corn Snacks
DAVE: you know i really just cannot tell if youre fucking with the rest of us right now kanaya
DAVE: thats a positive thing i think its fucking hilarious
DAVE: nacho cheese tastic indeed
KANAYA: Not To Say Anything Of The Less Popular Flavor Of Climate Wise Inappropriately Frozen Cow Troll Herding Location Triangular Corn Snacks
KARKAT: ...COOL RANCH?
KANAYA: Yes Exactly
ROSE: I think I know even less about troll Doritos than I have ever wanted to in my entire life.

Vriska’s head has been firmly planted on the table in despair for the last several minutes of conversation. She just wanted a strategy meeting where she was unequivocally in charge and everyone listened to her, is that truly too much to ask?

Chapter Text

A week later, the strategy meeting slash weekly arguing night is taking place again. It keeps happening, etc. etc., insert more properly developed SBaHJ reference here. The wall even still has the phrase ‘god tier?’ written on it in bright red chalk.

The bottom half of the words seems to have been licked off.

KARKAT: WE HAVE EXACTLY ONE GOAL FOR THIS MEETING. ONE. ONE SIMPLE FUCKING GOAL THAT PERHAPS YOU DELUDED SIMPLETONS CAN MANAGE TO STAY ON TASK FOR, FOR MAYBE JUST AN HOUR? THAT SEEMS LIKE A REASONABLE GOAL.
VRISKA: Who put you in charge????????
KARKAT: ME. I PUT ME IN CHARGE.
KARKAT: AND YOU’RE GOING TO LISTEN, JUST THIS ONCE, YOU SHITTY EXCUSE FOR A STRATEGIST, BECAUSE YOU DON’T WANT A REPEAT OF THE DORITO INCIDENT EITHER.

The snacks at the table notably exclude Doritos this time.

KARKAT: GOD TIER. OR, AS THE WALL POTENTIALLY READS, COB TIFB.
KARKAT: IMAGINE THAT! HAVING BOTH THE UPPER AND LOWER HALF OF THE LETTER IS NECESSARY FOR READING COMPREHENSION.
TEREZI: WH4T C4N 1 S4Y, R3D CH4LK 1S D3L1C1OUSLY 4LLUR1NG
DAVE: note to self
DAVE: stop wearing red to prevent terezi from licking clothing?
DAVE: end note to self

No one looks at Dave to see if he’s actually writing out a note to himself. He’s not.

ROSE: So the goal for today’s meeting is god tier? No elaboration, just god tier with a question mark? How insightful, what a truly meaningful goal.
ROSE: You know, ideally strategy meetings don't have third-grade level lesson plans written out for them. That seems to be a trait unique to our dysfunctional clique.
DAVE: seems self-explanatory enough
DAVE: god tier?
DAVE: goal accomplished
KARKAT: THE POINT IS THE REST OF US NOT DYING IN A TERRIBLE AND PREVENTABLE MANNER, YOU SELF-CENTERED FUCKWITTED CARICATURE OF A CICADA.
KARKAT: AND OF COURSE, BECAUSE WE CAN'T FORGET GOALS TAILORED AS "RELATABLE" TO THE MORE SIMPLE-PANNED AMONG US, SO WE CAN GET THAT HORRIBLE GOD TIER GLITTER INTO EVERY CREVICE BOTH IN THE METEOR AND ON OUR BODIES. SINCE CLEARLY THAT’S WHAT YOU THREE GOD TIERED WASTES OF SPACE HAVE BEEN GETTING UP TO ANY TIME I STOP LOOKING DIRECTLY AT YOU WITH MY SUFFERING GANDERBULBS.
DAVE: glitter up everyones ass thats been the real goal all along
VRISKA: Not that it wouldn’t 8e valua8le for everyone to achieve god tier, 8ut isn’t this kind of a useless point?
VRISKA: All the quest cocoons are gone. We’re in the middle of fuckoff-nowhere in the space 8etween universes. I don’t see any cocoons floating around in the void!
KARKAT: THERE WE GO. AND SO, THE PROBLEM IS REVEALED BY OUR UNSURPASSEDLY BRILLIANT STRATEGIST. HERE’S THE DEAD END.
ROSE: There’s no quest beds here... yet.
VRISKA: What are you suggesting, we just magic them out of the lack of cocoons near8y? That’s not how this works. That’s not how anything works.
ROSE: Oh no, if only there was a way to create objects out of nothing but grist and the concepts of other objects.
ROSE: Such a shame that we weren’t helpfully equipped with anything like that.
ROSE: Perhaps it could be related to one of the first objects granted to us by Sburb - no, that couldn't possibly lead anywhere.
ROSE: Isn’t it such a shame, everyone?

No one says anything. Kanaya looks like she’s considering having a thought that could, theoretically, be relevant.

KANAYA: Oh But What About-
ROSE: Yes, what *about* alchemy?
KANAYA: Impatient Much I Was Not Even Given The Chance To Finish My Sentence
KANAYA: That Innocent Fragment Could Have Ended In Anything
KANAYA: But What About Troll Doritos
KANAYA: Maybe That Is How It Was Ending
KANAYA: Before Your Interruption Cut Me Off
KANAYA: You Know I Do Have An Untold Wealth Of Knowledge On Troll Doritos And Here You Are Depriving Me Of Being Able To Share That
KANAYA: Alas It Shall Remain Forever A Mystery What I Was Planning To Say
KARKAT: I HATE EVERY SINGLE PERSON AT THIS TABLE SO MUCH, MY PREVIOUS STANDARDS FOR LOATHING LOOK LIKE FUCKING AMATEUR HOUR. I WOULD RATHER SPEND TIME WITH A MURDERER- OH WAIT!
KARKAT: WE’VE GOT ONE RIGHT HERE! TWO, IN FACT!
TEREZI: DO DOOM3D T1M3L1N3 MURD3RS COUNT?
KARKAT: STOP FURTHER PROVING MY POINT AND INFLATING MY MURDER ESTIMATIONS AND LET ME FINISH MY COMPLAINT.
KARKAT: I WOULD RATHER SPEND TIME WITH ONE OF STRIDER’S HORRIBLE CROCODILIAN CONSORTS THAN THE REST OF YOU. SOMEHOW, I THINK THAT WOULD GET ON MY NERVES LESS.
DAVE: my time to shine is here
KARKAT: EVERY TIME I OPEN MY IGNORANCE FLAP I FURTHER REGRET EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER SAID. DID YOU KNOW THAT? DID YOU KNOW I AM ONLY HERE TO ENDLESSLY SUFFER-
DAVE: naknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknak
ROSE: Spectacular. It’s almost as good as the real thing.
KANAYA: Oh I Feel So Enlightened On What Spending Time With Your Consorts Must Be Like
KANAYA: Almost As Pan Numbing As Spending Time With Our Ragtag Collection Of Players On This Meteor Is
KANAYA: But Not Quite As Bad

Vriska slams her hands onto the table. Dave subtly flinches, startled out of his consort impression and briefly pulling at empty air in an attempt to grab his sword before realizing what’s actually going on. He quickly dismisses the Specibus tab of the Sburb overlay and pretends nothing happened.

VRISKA: Alright, 8ack on topic! *Apparently* Rose has the solution to all our pro8lems, so we can just leave her to that.
ROSE: Alchemy. I can’t believe every single one of you forgot alchemy. Did you not waste your precious time and resources creating an endless array of worthless garbage?
DAVE: i actually gained grist from that
DAVE: defying human uselessness stereotypes one SORD at a time
ROSE: Your glitch-ridden monstrosities are an outlier and probably should never be considered or even acknowledged.

Everyone very pointedly doesn’t glance up at the ceiling of the room.

An Unreal Air flickers in and out of reality, half-collided with the architecture and stubbornly evading any attempts to be retrieved. There is a chalk outline around it in the style of a body at a crime scene. This was predictably put there by Terezi, balancing on Dave's shoulders as he floated to negate the missing height needed to actually reach the ceiling.

TEREZI: M4K1NG US3L3SS SH1T W4S 4 HUM4N P4STT1M3
TEREZI: 4S TH3 SUP3R1OR SP3C13S, W3 ONLY M4D3 TH3 MOST US3FUL TH1NGS
KANAYA: I Believe That Statistically The Items Alchemized In Our Session Were Notably More Dangerous For Absolutely No Worthwhile Reason
KANAYA: Those Fucking Rocket Boots
KANAYA: That Code Is A Waste Of Existence
DAVE: oh theres a story here youre not telling me
KANAYA: There Is Not
TEREZI: WH444T, YOU DONT W4NN4 L3T TH3 HUM4NS KNOW 4BOUT YOUR S3V3R3 ROCK3T 4V3RS1ON?
KANAYA: Those Things Are Simply Not Natural And I Will Not Partake In Them
KARKAT: WAIT, IS THAT WHY YOU WOULDN’T SHARE THE CODE WITH ANYONE ELSE? ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT YOU HAD SOME SORT OF SHAMEFUL ROCKET SHOE ACCIDENT AND THEN STUBBORNLY REFUSED TO LET THE CODE BE READ BY ANY GANDERBULBS EVER AGAIN, THEREFORE REDUCING THE REST OF US TO PATHETIC, EARTH BOUND WALKING WITHOUT MYSTERIOUSLY POWERED ROCKETRY ACCESSORIES?
KANAYA: What No
KANAYA: You Simply Could Have Asked Vriska
KARKAT: YEAH BUT THAT WOULD HAVE REQUIRED TALKING TO VRISKA.
KANAYA: And Therein Lies The Tragedy

In lieu of participating in the rocket boot discussion (flying via eldritch horrorterror nightmare powers was obviously the superior option, even if everything else about that had been quite bad), Rose has set herself up at the wall serving as the idea board. With the utmost concentration, she draws three very shitty rectangles in orchid-purple chalk: one collection of lines that looks vaguely like the Space symbol, one with a circle and two squiggly lines that in no way resemble the Mind symbol but couldn't even be an attempt at anything else, and she pauses at the third one.

ROSE: I actually don’t know your title, Karkat. I’m so accustomed to everyone quite literally wearing their aspect on their sleeve-

(Dave looks at his own sleeves before concluding that Rose may be misinformed on the location of the aspect symbols on their robes)

ROSE: -that it never occurred to me to question your role.
KARKAT: AND WHY DO YOU NEED TO KNOW? MAYBE THAT’S SENSITIVE INFORMATION THAT I DON’T NEED FLIGHTY BROADS LIKE YOURSELF GETTING INTO.

Rather than arguing, Rose pointedly activates her Sight, glaring at Karkat with gold shining around her eyes.

KARKAT: OH I AM NOT FUCKING FALLING FOR THAT BULLSHIT, YOU ASSHOLE EXCUSE FOR A PROPHET. THAT’S NOT HOW YOUR POWERS WORK. THAT’S NOT HOW ANY SEER POWERS WORK, I AM ONTO THE BOTH OF YOU.
KARKAT: YOU JUST STAND AROUND JUMPING TO RANDOM CONCLUSIONS AND SPEAKING WITH SUCH CONFIDENCE THAT THE LESSER BEINGS AMONG US HAPPILY JOIN UP BEHIND YOU LIKE THE PIED PIPER AND HIS SEVEN BILLION SHITTY GULLIBLE SQUEAKBEASTS.

From her convenient position behind Karkat, Kanaya mouths his title to Rose, who gets a gleeful (if somewhat predatory) look in her eyes.

ROSE: Knight of Blood.
KARKAT: HOW THE *FUCK*!

She draws a diagonal slash on the third rectangle. This also doesn’t look like the Blood symbol. It’s even slanted in the wrong direction.

ROSE: The goal is simple. Three quest beds for three trolls.
VRISKA: Soooooooo, you are aware that you’re technically suggesting murder, right?
ROSE: What? It’s not murder if its for god tier purposes.
KARKAT: IT’S STILL MURDER.
ROSE: No, it’s not?
KARKAT: LITERALLY WHAT POSSESSES YOU TO CONTAIN SO MUCH STUPIDITY. IS IT PERHAPS THE COLLECTIVE IDIOCY OF EVERY HUMAN THAT DIED WHEN YOU ASSHOLES DESTROYED CIVILIZATION WITH METEORS?
KARKAT: “NO IT’S NOT?” IS NOT A VALID REBUTTAL FOR ANYTHING, MUCH LESS THE MORALITY OF MURDERING SOMEONE OVER A FANCY LITTLE ROCK FOR NAÏVE MURDER-HAPPY MENACES.
VRISKA: I wasn’t saying that murder is wrong or anything. Imagine that! I just think it’s gr8 that we’re finally accepting that murder is sometimes the solution.
TEREZI: R4R3LY
VRISKA: I just think it’s gr8 that we’re finally accepting that murder is sometimes, rarely, the solution!
KARKAT: WHY CAN’T ANY OF YOU BE NORMAL ABOUT ANYTHING?

No answer is given. Rose remains at the wall with her writing utensil. Rather than writing, she’s tapping the chalk against her lips, deep in thought.

There’s black lipstick on the chalk and purple chalk dust on her lips.

TEREZI: SO TH1S S33MS L1K3 4 FUN 1D34 4ND 4LL, 1’M 4LL FOR GO1NG GOD T13R, BUT 4R3 W3 R34LLY LE4V1NG M1SS PLUM CH4LK DUST L1PS 1N CH4RG3 OF TH1S OP3R4T1ON?

Rose suddenly realizes that there is indeed chalk dust in her mouth now.

ROSE: BLUH!
TEREZI: C4N W3 TRUST SOM3ON3 WHO DO3SN’T 3V3N L1K3 TH3 T4ST3 OF CH4LK?
KANAYA: Terezi You Are The Only Being Here Who Enjoys Chalk Whatsoever
KANAYA: I Think That You Have Other Concerns Slash Insults To Be Handed Out In This Conversation And You Need Not Muddy Your Point With Chalk Related Quips
TEREZI: 1 TH1NK TH4T ROS3 1SN’T CR34T1V3 3NOUGH TO F1GUR3 TH1S PUZZL3 OUT
ROSE: What?
TEREZI: YOU’R3 TOO L1T3R4L M1ND3D FOR 4LCH3MY
ROSE: I am perfectly capable of figuring this out. Alchemy is a simple system. It can be brute-forced if nothing else.
TEREZI: NOP3! TH4T’S NOT HOW 1T WORKS
ROSE: Oh yes it is. I *will* figure this out, mark my fucking words.
DAVE: the girls are FIGHTING

The meeting descends into even less productivity than before. Rose eventually storms off with the intention of finding the alchemiters (she heads in the wrong direction) and any hope of productivity for the week is destroyed as Terezi cackles to herself. Dave tastes a stick of black chalk, just to make sure Terezi is wrong about it tasting good. Karkat watches on in vaguely disappointed but unsurprised horror.

Chapter Text

The object sits, inanimate and unassuming, on the creation platform on the alchemiter.

DAVE: what is that

Rose pauses to examine the object’s card.

ROSE: It’s perfectly generic.
ROSE: Object number 00000000.
ROSE: Made from a completely uncarved cruxite dowel, produced from a punched card with no holes punched-
DAVE: how can it be a punched card if its not punched-
ROSE: Void of distinct properties as the default object.
DAVE: bullshit
DAVE: that thing has properties
DAVE: no way thats perfectly generic
DAVE: YO TEREZI COME SMELL THIS
ROSE: You know, I really was trying to avoid slobber on everything.

After being summoned from the nearby common room (the promise of getting to smell things is an always-alluring siren song), Terezi arrives. Rose is holding the object, occasionally throwing it in the air to catch like a beach ball.

Without waiting to see if Rose is willing to give the object over to her, Terezi snatches it mid-throw, curiously sniffing at it.

TEREZI: WH4T
DAVE: what
TEREZI: 1T’S...
TEREZI: BLURRY?

After sniffing it some more, looking for all intents and purposes like a zoo animal with a puzzle toy, she finally licks it to get a better read on the information she can.

TEREZI: BLUH!!!!!!!!

In shock, she throws it back at Rose who completely fails to catch it as it bounces off her face.

ROSE: Ouch?
TEREZI: TH4T SH1T T4ST3S ST4T1CKY!
ROSE: That sounds deeply unusual, even given the overall strangeness of your sense of taste.
ROSE: Is it truly an object lacking in properties?
DAVE: uh no its green
DAVE: green ish
DAVE: in a really noncommittal way
DAVE: like algae slowly growing its way through a public swimming pool
DAVE: cant decide if it wants to spread all the way or if its too disgusted by how much piss is in the pool to grow any more
ROSE: Well, now it’s slobbery. I suppose that’s a property that makes it no longer perfectly generic.
TEREZI: COUNT3RPO1NT – 1T W4SN’T SLOBB3RY WH3N 1T W4S CR34T3D
TEREZI: TH3R3FOR3 1T R3M41NS P3RF3CTLY G3N3R1C
DAVE: but its green
TEREZI: DO3SN’T SM3LL L1K3 1T
DAVE: what
DAVE: can she do that
DAVE: just refute the laws of physics
DAVE: announce something doesnt smell green therefore it isnt
ROSE: Maybe it’s not actually green.
DAVE: what the fuck are you saying
DAVE: are you actually listening to a blind girls opinions on color
DAVE: arent you supposed to be the smart one between us
DAVE: isnt your whole class about being smart
DAVE: wait what am i saying if a class consists entirely of you and terezi it cant be too smart

The two seers are too busy pondering the cube to notice Dave’s crushing insult.

TEREZI: WHY D1D YOU 3V3N M4K3 TH1S TH1NG?
ROSE: It seemed like the logical starting point. What is the core object that everything in alchemy is based off of?
ROSE: This thing, apparently.
TEREZI: NO, 1 DON’T TH1NK TH4T’S WH4T’S H4PP3N1NG
TEREZI: 4LCH3MY 1SN’T 4 PUR3LY 4DD1T1V3 SYST3M, YOU’R3 GO1NG 4T 1T WRONG
ROSE: Then kindly, what the fuck is this?
TEREZI: PL4C3HOLD3R OBJ3CT
TEREZI: YOU H4V3N’T CR34T3D 4NYTH1NG NOR COMB1N3D PR3-3X1ST1NG OBJ3CTS 1NTO 4 N3W R3SULT, TH3R3FOR3, TH3 SYST3M CR34T3S TH3 D3F4ULT PL4C3HOLD3R OBJ3CT
ROSE: That still doesn’t make sense. Alchemy happens when the totem lathe reads a punched card and creates a dowel, and then the alchemiter creates the object from the dowel. There’s no possible option for a placeholder object to even need to exist.
DAVE: oh shit youre still running on backwardstown defaultland alchemiter device setup
DAVE: we gotta fix that
ROSE: What?
DAVE: we gotta combinify all of the devices into a big multipurpose device
DAVE: like communism

The cube is briefly forgotten in the discussion and thoughtlessly thrown into the pile of completely identical Perfectly Generic Objects.

DAVE: so you see when you had all those disjointed machines strewn about your room like someone spent all night drinking some real potent jungle juice or whatever it is that newly-alcoholic young adults drink and then come the morning after went and projectile vomited sburb miscellany everywhere-
ROSE: Your metaphors remain charming as always.
DAVE: but we gotta get these machines all re-joined together
DAVE: gotta be having a real sburban machinery orgy going on or whats the point
DAVE: get the cruxtruders weird cyborg dick all in the alchemiters lucky punch shunt slot
DAVE: engage the totem lathe
DAVE: except its some kind of weird euphemism for some very unwholesome activities
DAVE: not including the blender extension this time cause we all know that blenders arent the answer when were having a long and strung out metaphor for machine sex
DAVE: dont put your dick in that and all
DAVE: but this time its dont put the blender in your perfectly functional sburban
DAVE: sburbian?
DAVE: sburban machinery setup
DAVE: all these machines combinified into one mega machine
DAVE: all like voltron up here

The setup of the new combination of basic machines is long, confusing, and involves a lot of yelling. This briefly attracts Vriska into the situation but after seeing that the events transpiring were very dull in reality, she headed out to do something she deemed more important.

DAVE: jazz hands
ROSE: I am pretty certain that you have to do the accompanying motion with jazz hands, not just say the phrase in a completely flat tone.
DAVE: and i reiterate, jazz hands
ROSE: Doing it twice makes it no better.
ROSE: But now that we have this, I know exactly where we need to start.

After some fiddling and restoring everything into the default settings, a Perfectly Generic Object is created.

ROSE: Huh.
DAVE: damn what is that
DAVE: the result of our alchemical chicken and the egg
DAVE: what came first the chicken or the...
DAVE: cube?
DAVE: its a really unmotivated cube
DAVE: doesnt even have sharp edges
TEREZI: G1V3 1T H3R3 1 W4NT TO SM3LL
TEREZI: H3Y WH4T TH3 FUCK *1S* TH1S
ROSE: A Perfectly Generic Object, apparently.
DAVE: bullshit that thing has properties
DAVE: no way in hell its perfectly generic
DAVE: its just sad
DAVE: didnt put enough effort into having descriptive traits
DAVE: little green ish cubey thing got an f in geometry
DAVE: dont you know cubes are made of perfectly straight lines
DAVE: no beveled corners permitted you suckass cube
ROSE: Is it perhaps a representation of genericness that’s still palatable to our senses? Something truly generic and indescribable would have to be completely imperceptible to us, I suppose.
TEREZI: NO W4Y 1N H3LL 1S TH4T TH1NG P4L4T4BL3 *1* DON’T 3V3N W4NT TO L1CK 1T
ROSE: Not the definition of palatable I was using, but okay.
ROSE: Now the real question: how does this help our cause?
TEREZI: 1T DO3SN’T, BUT YOU’LL H4V3 TO GR4SP 4 F3W MOR3 COR3 CONC3PTS OF 4LCH3MY TO B3L13V3 M3 ON TH4T
ROSE: It’s the basic item of alchemy. Core component of this reality.
TEREZI: N4H 1T 1SN’T
ROSE: It *has* to tell me something.
TEREZI: OH 1T C3RT41NLY 1S T3LL1NG YOU SOM3TH1NG, 1T’S JUST NOT 4NYTH1NG H3LPFUL
TEREZI: 1T’S JUST 4 TH1NG TH4T 3X1STS
TEREZI: 1T’S NOT TH4T D33P
ROSE: Perhaps not, but I’m willing to dig with all the resources I can muster.
TEREZI: DON’T US3 YOUR S33R POW3RS ON 1T 1T’S NOT GONN4 H3LP
ROSE: And why should I take your advice on this fact? You seem far from dedicated to helping me in this endeavor. In fact, I think I will opt to completely ignore your misleading direction and do as I please.

One scrying-induced splitting headache later, the Perfectly Generic Object has been completely forgotten just like the rest of its kin. The pile grows ever-larger.

Chapter Text

The alchemy room. Rose sits, visibly frustrated, surrounded by a variety of vaguely rectangular objects.

The latest result of her plan is a shoebox, mostly black, with a very familiar white symbol in approximately the center. Inside the shoebox is a pair of red flats, covered in sequins and of absolutely no use to the project at hand.

ROSE: Fuck!

She throws the shoes to the side and proceeds to tug at the fabric of reality, revealing her current plan. An olive green Captchalogue Scribblepad materializes in her hands – the victim of her actions for the past few hours.

Vriska walks in, observes the situation, and very seriously considers turning on her heels and walking directly back out of the situation.

ROSE: Hmm. Not anyone I was expecting, but you’ve got two functional hands. However recent a development that may be for you.
ROSE: Get over here. You’ve seen a quest bed, therefore, you’ve got a chance of getting this right.
VRISKA: Uh.
ROSE: Must I spell everything out in small words for you? You’re a Light player. You’ve got at least one braincell bouncing around in your head, possibly quite similar to a DVD player screensaver.
VRISKA: I don’t know what that is 8ut I’m not liking the comparison.

After getting up and walking over to the entrance of the room (preventing Vriska from easily escaping the situation), Rose shoves the scribblepad and pen at Vriska.

ROSE: I’m waiting.

Rather than drawing a quest cocoon on the scribblepad, Vriska glances around the room at the new assortment of vaguely rectangular objects and draws some conclusions. Realization dawns on her and she lets out a gleeful laugh at what’s been going on.

VRISKA: You can’t draw!
ROSE: I have tried every combination of rectangles with the Space symbol on them. None of them produce a quest bed.
VRISKA: That would 8e way too easy. I don’t know why you’d ever think this would work!
ROSE: Because your contributions to this effort have truly been so much more helpful. Oh, hang on, what's been the approximate sum of your contributions? Nothing?
ROSE: At least I’m actively putting my energy towards how to work this puzzle out.
VRISKA: Leadership is about deleg8ion. You’re dedic8ed to this project, therefore, you get to 8e the one to figure it out. You’re a Light player. You’ve got at least one thought 8ouncing around in your shitty human thinkpan!
ROSE: I'm still unclear on who's mistake it was to appoint you leader. Not that it matters particularly. A leader without followers is just an idiot on a hike.
ROSE: A hike which I certainly am wishing would take you to the other end of the meteor. Perhaps even off the meteor entirely! It would do wonders for our peace.
VRISKA: So you come here, asking for my help-
ROSE: You’re the one who walked into this room-
VRISKA: -and then you have the audacity to insult me when I offer it?
ROSE: The tablet is in your hands. The ball is in your court, or so I’m told the sports metaphor goes.

Vriska snatches the scribblepad and pen, quickly drawing a circle with the Space symbol on it. The pair waits for the scribblepad to parse the item and produce a ghost image of it.

The screen flickers, interpreting her drawing as a... circle with the Space symbol on it.

ROSE: Hmm.

Somehow still not too discouraged by this development, Rose heads over to the alchemy array. She scrolls through her atheneum, settling on the latest item – Vriska’s mystery space circle.

Rather than properly previewing the item with the Holopad attachment, or really, sparing any glance at the alchemy overlay whatsoever, Rose creates the object. It costs 100 Build Grist, 5 Obsidian, and 1 Tar.

It produces a small tube, which is quite obviously not a quest bed in any shape or form. Rose groans, ready to go back to the (quite literal) drawing board. Vriska steps forwards to examine the object.

It’s a small, unassuming black tube with the Space symbol on the lid. When opened, it is revealed to be full of small cardboard tokens with varying aspect symbols on it. Upon captchaloguing it, the card reveals it to be “Pog Tier: The Hit Retro Game!”

This means nothing to either of the Light players. This does no one any good.

ROSE: I don’t see why this won’t work. The quest beds are rectangles with symbols on them. It should be able to tell that my drawing of a rectangle with a symbol on it is meant to represent a quest bed.
VRISKA: May8e you just suck at art.

For her trouble, Vriska gets a black pencil case (with the Space symbol on it) thrown at her head. It contains twelve black, glittery colored pencils with white erasers.

VRISKA: Anyways, it’s o8viously your own fault for looking for the easy way out. Ohhhhhhhh let’s just draw a pretty little picture of the quest cocoon, surely that’ll work out perfectly and let you just alchemize one! Dum8ass.
ROSE: Again, I do not recall asking you to do anything other than draw a simple rectangle – a task which, mind you, you did not complete at all – and yet here I am, forced to listen to your aimless rambling.
VRISKA: Why would I draw a rectangle? You asked me to draw a quest cocoon.
ROSE: ...I can’t tell if you’re being difficult on purpose, or if I’ve stumbled onto some strange cultural difference. Do trolls not have the concept of rectangles?
VRISKA: God, it’s almost like you’re 8eing purposefully o8tuse and stupid a8out this. Of course I know what a rectangle is. Cocoons aren’t rectangles.
ROSE: Ah.
VRISKA: Duh! You’re so caught up in 8eing smart that you don’t stop to think a8out anything other than your grand schemes and how many irons you’ve allegedly got in the fire.
ROSE: First you tell me I’m being a fool for expecting an obvious solution to this problem, and next you say I can’t step back from my scheming to see the obvious solutions? If I put any value whatsoever on the endless stream of nonsense spewing from your mouth, I’d be worried about conflicting advice.

Rather than dignifying her with a proper answer, Vriska snatches the scribblepad to draw another Space symbol + circle combo. Rose stares as Vriska heads over to the alchemy array to create her space circle. This results in a Galaxy FrisBee (the appropriately insect themed Alternian version of a frisbee), which she promptly chucks at the still-unsuspecting Rose’s head.

From this point onwards in the night, absolutely nothing of value occurs. Grist is spent on entirely frivolous items that the Light players use to antagonize each other. Vriska’s singular attempt at drawing a rectangle results in the Space Snuggleplane that is immediately used as a weapon of distraction.

Chapter Text

ROSE: What if we run out of grist?

In what has now been forcibly converted into the dedicated alchemy room, Rose sits, surrounded, by a large pile of what could generously be called useful objects.

DAVE: huh
DAVE: wait is that a possibility
ROSE: ...Why would it not be?

Dave pauses to consider this. Floating in a seated position, he unintentionally performs a very good imitation of The Thinker, a statue which, if pressed, he could perhaps identify as “that dude who looks like he really needs to take a shit.”

DAVE: yeah im coming up blank
DAVE: i guess grist isnt a thing that stops being a thing
DAVE: or rather does stop being a thing
DAVE: and theres the problem damn
ROSE: Okay. Now that we’ve established absolutely nothing, could I get input from literally anyone with any semblance of coherent thoughts?
KARKAT: WE WON THE ULTIMATE REWARD, THOUGH. THAT SHOULD BE MORE THAN ENOUGH GRIST UNLESS THE ANTICS YOU’RE GETTING UP TO ARE *SIGNIFICANTLY* WEIRDER THAN ANTICIPATED, LALONDE.
DAVE: wasnt your whole deal failing to claim the reward
DAVE: aka why youre here now rather than being gods of our universe
DAVE: attention worthless humans et cetera
KARKAT: OKAY, FUCK YOU.
KARKAT: ANYWAYS, CONTINUING OUR TREND OF IGNORING EVERYTHING STRIDER SAYS, WHEN I DEFEATED MY DENIZEN-
VRISKA: Your weakass denizen for gru8s-
KARKAT: FUCK YOU FOR YOUR CONTRIBUTIONS.
KARKAT: IT RELEASED A FUCKOFF HUGE STREAM OF GRIST FOR THE ULTIMATE ALCHEMY. SURELY THAT WAS ENOUGH TO FILL UP OUR STORES FOR A GOOD LONG TIME?
VRISKA: Were you not paying attention to anything? The grist for the Ultim8 Alchemy, in *addition* to explicitly 8eing used *for* the Ultim8 Alchemy, isn’t real grist.
VRISKA: It’s fake grist for game purposes, duh.
ROSE: Fake in a way that’s distinctly different than the rest of the fake and otherwise abstract objects we’re dealing with, given that, and this may be news to you, we’re still inside a video game?
KARKAT: THIS ENTIRE CONVERSATION IS PAN-BLISTERINGLY STUPID AND EVERY SINGLE MINUTE I SPEND IN A ROOM WITH LIGHT PLAYERS LOWERS THE COLLECTIVE INTELLIGENCE OF OUR ENTIRE SPECIES. BOTH OF OUR SPECIES.
KARKAT: AS IF HUMANKIND WEREN’T EVIDENTLY “BRAIN” (THIS IS ME, USING YOUR OWN TERMINOLOGY TO SHOW YOU HOW SERIOUS I AM BEING RIGHT NOW) DEAD ENOUGH TO ALREADY BE A NIGHTMARE.
KARKAT: I’M AMAZED YOUR TERRIBLE SPECIES SURVIVED LONG ENOUGH DEVELOP SBURB TO BEGIN WITH.
KARKAT: MUCH LESS AN APPARENTLY ENTIRELY COHERENT SOCIETY OF YOU DERANGED HIVE MAMMALS!
ROSE: Calling what humankind had a “coherent society” is a questionable judgment.
KARKAT: JUDGING OFF WHAT I’VE SEEN FROM THE PAIR OF YOU, I WOULD HAVE TO AGREE WHOLEHEARTEDLY.
KARKAT: I WOULD SAY I FEAR THE RESULTS OF HITTING NEGATIVE INTELLIGENCE, BUT GUESS FUCKING WHAT! WE HIT THAT POINT THE SECOND YOU TWO CRETINOUS MAGGOTS CAME OUT OF THAT HORRIBLE NEON GREEN SUN TO GRACE US WITH YOUR PRESENCE, UNKNOWINGLY, OR POSSIBLY EVEN KNOWINGLY AND GLEEFULLY, INFLICTING US WITH YOUR TERRIBLE HUMAN IDIOCY.
KARKAT: THE FANCIEST GOD TIER UPGRADES: STUPID CAPES FOR DUMBASS IDIOTS, THE GLITTER YOU KEEP PRETENDING ISN’T SPAWNING FROM YOUR OUTFITS, AND THE INTELLIGENCE LOWERING STATUS INFLICTION.
DAVE: oh shit i HAVE the solution
KARKAT: I DO NOT LIKE THAT TONE OF VOICE.

Dave stands up suddenly, feet connecting with the floor as he rushes over to the alchemiter and associated devices (really, it’s sprawling into an entire industrial town of devices populated almost exclusively by idiots).

As he fiddles around, everyone is struck by the strangeness of watching someone other than themselves use the alchemiter. Dave moves like a man possessed with a mission that only death could briefly stop him from, spinning knobs and tapping buttons as if he’s doing something intelligent. He scrolls through his own atheneum (Sessions -> B1 -> Players -> Dave Strider) before settling on a very specific item he’s already created.

The grist ‘demand’ pops up once the item is selected.

VRISKA: Negative grist demand? What the fuck are you cre8ting?
ROSE: Oh, something the great Vriska, in the top tiers of all players, doesn’t know? How truly unusual and unsettling that much be for you.
VRISKA: And you know what he’s doing?
ROSE: Unfortunately.

As Dave creates the SBAHJifier, text spawns above his head reading:

+1000 Artifact Grist!

KARKAT: YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT MY SESSION WAS BAD WITH EVERYONE THROWING SHIT INTO THE ALCHEMITER LIKE A WIGGLER WITH A BLENDER AND A JAR OF ENTRAILS JUST TO MARVEL AT THE RESULTS, BUT I THINK THIS TOPS IT ALL.
KARKAT: THE VALUE OF THIS ITEM IS SO LOW IT GAVE YOU ONE THOUSAND JPEG ARTIFACTS TO SPEND ON EVEN MORE BULLSHIT. OR MAYBE NOT! MAYBE THERE'S NO USE FOR ARTIFACT GRIST WHATSOEVER AND IT'S JUST GOING TO CONTINUOUSLY ACCUMULATE LIKE THE REST OF OUR TERRIBLE DECISIONS, FOREVER. HELL, THAT SEEMS LIKE THE MOST LIKELY OPTION AT THIS POINT!
DAVE: can i get someones weapons
ROSE: To destroy the horrible creation you’ve wrought upon us?
DAVE: why is it that whenever anyone else solves problems theyre congratulated but as soon as i fix something everyones all
DAVE: oh god dave why did you do that put it back

Nevertheless, Rose hands over her current equipped weapons to Dave, who immediately holds the SBAHJifier up to take a picture.

DAVE: snop

The SBAHJifier prints out a captcha card for [The Quills of That Echidna From Sonic], which, to everyone’s surprise and mild distress, he waves around like a freshly printed photo from a cheap camera.

+100 Artifact Grist! +1000 Emerald Grist! +250 Ruby Grist!

DAVE: bingo.
DAVE: here you are
ROSE: What is this?
DAVE: equip it duh
DAVE: its a weapon

Rose dutifully, if reluctantly, equips the quills. Upon pulling on the card from her strife specibus, they materialize in real space in all their signature bright red glory.

VRISKA: Now I do agree that those are some very cool quills, if you’re a loser who uses Needlekind (lame!), 8ut I fail to see how this solves any pro8lems.
DAVE: you werent paying attention
DAVE: someone else hand over your weapon
VRISKA: Fine, 8ut only to get this weird project over with faster.

Vriska tosses the fluorite octet down to the ground. A text box appears to announce the attack:

Weasel (Inferior)!

A small weasel appears, scurrying away before anyone has a chance to comprehend what just happened.

KARKAT: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. IF THAT THING EATS ANY OF OUR FOOD IT’S YOUR FAULT, AND I WILL NOT HESITATE TO REACT ACCORDINGLY.

Dave looks a little surprised by the weasel attack but leans over to take a picture of the dice regardless.

DAVE: now pay attention
DAVE: watch the grist text

The SBAHJifier produces another card for [dice........]

+100 Artifact Grsit! +888 Fluorite Grist!

ROSE: Oh. I see now. It does add grist to our stores, I’ll give you that.
KARKAT: DID ANYONE ELSE SEE THAT? THAT WAS MISSPELLED. HOW THE FUCK IS A GAME MESSAGE MISSPELLED? WHAT KIND OF ABSOLUTE BULLSHITTERY ARE YOU GETTING INTO? DON'T TELL ME YOU'VE TAKEN UP LALONDE'S HABIT OF GAMEBREAKING, IT'S BAD ENOUGH JUST HAVING TO DEAL WITH HER AND VRISKA AT THE SAME TIME ON THEIR SEPARATE SELF-CENTERED LIGHT PLAYER QUESTS FOR ASSHOLES.
KARKAT: IF THIS BREAKS THE GAME WITH US STUCK INSIDE, YOU ARE GOING TO EXPERIENCE CONSEQUENCES YOU’VE NEVER EVEN IMAGINED.
DAVE: pretty sure the games already broken
DAVE: or maybe this absolute bullshittery is somehow the intended experience
DAVE: sburb the open world exploration game?
DAVE: that kiddie garbage game was only the prelude to the real experience where we sit around on a boring rock in space for three years and try not to kill each other over our rapidly declining mental states
DAVE: truly emergent gameplay
DAVE: cant think of anything id rather be doing
VRISKA: Game’s sure as fuck 8roken 8ut at least we weren’t the ones doing the 8r8king.
ROSE: Oh, what’s that? Vriska, not acknowledging the consequences of her actions? How unheard of.
VRISKA: What?
ROSE: You were absolutely involved in the broken state of the game.
VRISKA: Uhhhhhhhh I’m not the one who gave your universe cancer. That was all your 8eloved Knight’s doing.
ROSE: How quickly you forget that just a week ago, you were gleefully bragging about having taken part in the prototyping of the abomination tailing this meteor!
VRISKA: Oh yeah, that. Well, he was already going to 8e fucking everything up. I just made it more interesting!
DAVE: you made him undefeatable
DAVE: look at that you ruined a perfectly good carapace
DAVE: hes got murderous intent now

Vriska throws her arms in the air in a noncommittal ‘well what can you do!’ motion.

VRISKA: Not my pro8lem!
KARKAT: NO, THAT ABSOLUTELY IS YOUR PROBLEM, YOU WRITHINGLY TERRIBLE SPIDERBITCH.
KARKAT: DON’T EVEN GO CLAIMING YOUR CONDITIONAL IMMORTALITY ON THIS. YOU KNOW AS WELL AS I DO THAT IF ANYONE WERE TO STAB YOU, THE WEIGHT OF YOUR CONTINUOUSLY AWFUL STRING OF ACTIONS WILL SWAY THE VERDICT TO JUST.
KARKAT: HELL, IF YOU WERE TO GET A PAPER CUT, I’M SURE THAT WOULD GET INFECTED AND GIVE YOU A JUST DEATH!
ROSE: The glorious and completely insufferable Thief of Light, felled by naught but a simple slice from an unassuming piece of paper. I would say you’re in danger, but frankly I’m not certain you have ever once picked up a book in your life. Not to worry, you’re safe from your potential and completely deserved fate.
VRISKA: Does no8ody respect me here-
ROSE: No, not particularly-
VRISKA: I put in all this effort, and for what?
DAVE: completely deserved sick burns generously provided for free?
DAVE: we should really start charging you for this service

Chapter Text

The Pictionary modus lies discarded on the floor. Multiple inhabitants of the meteor have slipped on the card, given that game abstractions produce no friction and are consequently excellent slipping hazards, but no one has done anything about this terrible violation of the now-defunct idea of workplace safety.

On Rose’s conspiracy theory slash inspiration wall, under the heading “Pictionary Modus”, there is a list of alchemy combinations.

Array Modus && Drawing Tablet
Etch A Sketch && Blank Captchalogue Card && Mechanical Pencil
iShades || Mightier Sword && Tree Modus

The conclusion was drawn that in order to create a Fetch Modus, an abstraction from the Sylladex must be used. This is not particularly helpful information to have been gathered but theoretically, every little bit helps. Every little bit would help significantly more if the players actually understood much of anything at all about alchemy.

DAVE: has anyone seen my sbahjifier

He pronounces this like “sub-ah-gif-fier”. No one is a fan of this particular pronunciation. In fact, he chose this pronunciation specifically to upset Karkat after a long and drawn out argument about the pronunciation of GIF (which is apparently a relevant argument across cultures and languages).

ROSE: Recycled.
DAVE: noooooooo

This is said in a deadpan tone of voice as he dramatically falls to his knees.

DAVE: wait you mean to tell me that you recycled the sbahjifer
DAVE: the thing with negative value
DAVE: were thinking about the same thing right
DAVE: so you paid one thousand goddamn artifact grist just to rend it from this world
ROSE: As it deserved. We have absolutely no shortage of the garbage if you hadn’t noticed with our universally-installed instance of GristTorrent.
DAVE: did you notice that the trolls version of gristtorrent is called gristtorment
DAVE: that doesnt even match the rest of sburbs naming style whys it in alternian nightmare portmanteau wordcrafting style
ROSE: I think that calling it GristTorment may be accurate, given how I see you transferring one single Artifact grist into my cache every single day.
ROSE: Do you do this just to spite and upset me?
DAVE: nah i also do it cause i get personal amusement from your complaints
DAVE: what better way to pass the time
DAVE: did you know that grist can be divided into fractions?
ROSE: I shudder to think what you do with that useless trivia.
DAVE: transfer vriska 7.98 fluorite grist every day
ROSE: Why that particular percentage of grist?
DAVE: the .98 means it wont round up to 8 grist which im sure endlessly annoys her
ROSE: Fascinating. We all truly have our own uniquely deranged ways of coping with the monotony of this meteor trip.
DAVE: yeah sure cause your alchemy quest isnt uniquely deranged or anything
DAVE: have you even made one single useful item?

Rather than answering, Rose holds up the Captcharoid Camera triumphantly.

DAVE: oh hey its the boring version of my much cooler camera
DAVE: made that thing with i dunno probably a blank card and a camera
DAVE: pointless middle step on my quest towards the perfection of the sbahjifier
ROSE: I know how it’s made. In fact, I am now capable of much deeper reflection into the nonsensical system that is alchemy thanks to *this*.
ROSE: The Recipe Modus might be the most valuable glimpse into the inner mechanisms of the alchemy system.
ROSE: Learning that most objects have multiple possible recipes, all with differing grist costs? Oh, how many doors that opens up for my investigation. What is the meaning of the different grist cost? Is it simply to differentiate the multiple iterations of the same item from one another? If so, does that mean that one item archetype can hold multiple unique captcha codes?
ROSE: Or are they simply different variations in quality? Say, the way a slice of that quintessentially culturally American cheese in it’s recognizable little packet combined with a similarly omnipresent Wonderbread loaf makes what can be qualified as a grilled cheese just the same as a loaf of sourdough and absurdly priced aged cheddar do?
DAVE: nah man grilled cheese has to be wonderbread and shitty shiny cheese heated up on a stove burner anything else and its just pretentious rich people food
DAVE: i dont even think things other than american cheese should count as cheese tbh
ROSE: Wait, directly on the stovetop? Did you not have... pans? Or other kitchenware?
DAVE: uh i could skewer them on a sword like marshmallows but its not really the same experience
DAVE: the lick of flames chemically reacting with the cheese to form some new substance unknown to man is half the appeal
ROSE: What.
DAVE: rather than making that sizzling noise like in movies-
ROSE: That’s the butter, Dave. Don’t tell me you didn’t have-
DAVE: it makes an odd squelching as it bubbles to its irradiated final form
DAVE: transmuting from the anemic yellow to radiation burn black
DAVE: probably has all the same caustic effects
DAVE: elephants foot lookin sandwich in my humble apartment
DAVE: welcome to cooking with the striders but bros missing and the fridge is full of swords but hey at least were cooking with gas here
ROSE: If I find the appropriate components in my alchemy quest, we are making you a good and proper grilled cheese.
DAVE: funny haha like you know how to cook
DAVE: you could burn water
ROSE: I’ll have you know I’m *quite* sufficient in the art of microwaving.
DAVE: theres a reason were leaving the aliens to cooking it’s a genetic inaptitude in our family line
DAVE: not that grubloaf and unpasteurized unprocessed bug cheese product even counts as grilled cheese
ROSE: Grilled cheese, in its ideal platonic form, involves absolutely no legs, I’m with you on this.
ROSE: The *point*, however, was alchemy. I know your brain can scarcely hold more than one idea at a time, and I’m sure the grilled cheese metaphor held water at some point, but we’ve gotten off track.
ROSE: If there are multiple possible combinations for any item, that either introduces a significant margin for error, or narrows it down to absolutely no room for error. What if, say, I were to create what looks and appears exactly like a Space quest bed, but the moment we tried anything, it proved to be nothing more than a slab of rock with a symbol painted on?
ROSE: On the other hand, if there are multiple combinations for any given object, there could be enough combinations for a quest bed that we eventually simply stumble upon it as a component of another recipe.
ROSE: This requires more insight. Possibly a, and how I shudder to think of it, study session with the other Seer.
ROSE: Who knows what kind of off-the-rails madness such a combination could result in. I dread the very thought of-
DAVE: having to admit shes better at alchemy than you?
ROSE: -enduring even an hour’s worth of discussion and – hey! I am perfectly serviceable at alchemy and really, it’s not the intuitive “being good at alchemy” skill we need at the moment.
ROSE: We need the relentless drive to break this very system apart, dissect the shards until they prove useful, not rest until we have forcibly ripped the answer from the game’s maw.

Chapter Text

ROSE: -don’t see why you’re so insistent that what I’m aiming for can’t be done!
TEREZI: Y4WN
TEREZI: TH1S S4M3 4RGUM3NT GROWS W34RY 4FT3R SO LONG
TEREZI: 31TH3R M4K3 SOM3 M3NT4L BR34KTHROUGHS-
TEREZI: OR M3NT4L BR34KDOWNS, 1 DON’T C4RE WH1CH
TEREZI: 4ND 4T L34ST M4K3 1T 4N 1NT3R3ST1NG SC3N3
TEREZI: YOU’VE B33N H3R3 WH4T, 4LMOST 4N HOUR 4LR34DY TRY1NG TO CONV1NC3 M3 TH4T YOUR D3LUS1ONS OF 4LCH3MY PROF1C13NCY W1LL WORK OUT WH3N 1’M NOT 3V3N TH3 ON3 YOU N33D TO B3 FOOL1NG

The two seers have in fact been at this debate for approximately an hour. Not much progress has been made whatsoever, with Rose pacing around and repeatedly jabbing her finger at her glorious conspiracy board while Terezi lays around on the Space themed beanbag chair (each of the polystyrene beads inside is shaped like a frog, but no one is aware of this), occasionally shouting out objections to what Rose thinks should be obvious points.

ROSE: And who, pray tell,

She snarls, most of her usual insistent composure gone in this instance,

ROSE: the *fuck* am I supposed to be fooling!?
TEREZI: TH3 G4M3 1TS3LF
ROSE: That makes no goddamn sense.
TEREZI: 1T’S NOT SUPPOS3D TO
TEREZI: W3’R3 1NS1D3 4 G4M3. TH4T MUCH 1S CL34R TO YOU BY NOW, SO WH4T’S W1TH TH1S 4DD1T1ON4L L34P OF LOG1C TR1PP1NG YOU UP SO B4DLY?
TEREZI: TH3 3NT1TY TH4T 1S SBURB – OR SGRUB, THOUGH MY SP3C13S’ T3RM1NOLOGY M4K3S 1T SOUND MOR3 L1K3 4N 4PP34L1NG TR34T TH4N 4N OMN1POT3NT G3NOC1D3 G4M3
TEREZI: SBURB 1NFL1CTS 1TS OWN RUL3S OV3R R34L1TY 4ND 1T’D B3N3F1T YOU GR34TLY TO ST4RT PL4Y1NG BY TH3 RUL3S FOR ONC3
ROSE: You said it yourself, I’m trying to fool Sburb. Why would I play by the rules if I’m trying to fool it? I still think the best option is to break it apart and feast on the knowledge of its entrails.
TEREZI: WH1L3 1 DO V3RY MUCH 4PPR3C14T3 YOUR 3NTHUS14SM TOW4RDS V1OL3NT PURSU1T OF KNOWL3DGE
TEREZI: 4ND 1 S4Y TH1S G3NU1N3LY 1 TH1NK YOU’D B3 GR34TLY 3NT3RT41N1NG 1N 4LT3RN14N L3G4L C1RCL3S
TEREZI: 1N TH3 S4M3 BR34TH 1 4M 4LSO PO1NT3DLY 3XCL41M1NG “L1GHT PL4Y3RS!” 4ND THROW1NG MY FRONDS 1N TH3 41R 1N D1SGUST

(Terezi has remained in her questionably comfortable position draped over the beanbag chair throughout this – the gesturing is purely figurative.)

TEREZI: YOU N33D TO UND3RST4ND TH3 SH4P3 OF TH3 PUZZL3 B3FOR3 YOU C4N GO WR1GGL1NG THROUGH THE CR4CKS 4ND D1SCR3P4NC13S
ROSE: I am going to break the system into its core pieces. From there I can learn the rules and how to reverse-engineer a solution. Your way sounds tedious and unhelpful.
TEREZI: DO YOU TH1NK YOU C4N FOOL 4N 4NC13NT G4M3 TH4T GOV3RNS TH3 V3RY R34L1TY W3 3X1ST 1N W1THOUT KNOW1NG HOW TO PL4Y BY 1TS RUL3S?
TEREZI: DON’T 4NSW3R TH4T, 1 KNOW YOUR 4NSW3R W4S GO1NG TO B3 Y3S BUT YOU’R3 WRONG
TEREZI: 4G41N: L1GHT PL4Y3RS
TEREZI: YOU AND VR1SK4 4R3 F4R MOR3 S1M1L4R TH4N 31TH3R OF YOU WOULD C4R3 TO 4DM1T
ROSE: You know, next time when you feel the urge to insult me, you could just stab me. I think that would be far more pleasant outcome than being compared to Vriska.
ROSE: But fine! I suppose, for the time being at least, I’ll go along with your little theory. Sburb governs the rules of reality, therefore, to fool it, you must become familiar with those rules.
ROSE: Sounds suspiciously like we’re going to turn up in the set of Troll Ace Attorney given your fantasies of becoming a troll lawyer-
TEREZI: TH3 PROF3SS1ON OF L3G1SL4C3R4TOR 1S 4 V3RY 1MPORT4NT ON3
ROSE: Alright! Then what rules exactly are there to be playing by? Where’s the terms and service clause we evidently clicked through on our meteor-summoning early-game expeditions?
TEREZI: TH3 RUL3S 4R3N’T S1MPLY WR1TT3N OUT, W41T1NG FOR SOM3ON3 TO CL1CK TH3 R1GHT M3T4PHYS1C4L PROMPT
TEREZI: NOW, TH1S 1S WH3RE YOUR BLOODLUST FOR KNOWL3DG3 C4N B3 TRULY 4PPL13D
TEREZI: YOU CONS1D3R YOURS3LF 4 “HUM4N G4M3R”
TEREZI: WH4T 1S 4 QU3ST B3D, SP34K1NG FROM 4 M3T4 PO1NT OF 3X4M1N4T1ON?

Rose pauses for a moment. She glances at her inspiration board briefly before deciding that no, this wasn’t going to help with this. She was looking at Sburb from a different angle than she usually did, pointing a flashlight through the shape of it to see where it shone through.

ROSE: A quest bed is... a unique object within a session that serves as the flag for activating god tier under certain circumstances.
ROSE: The way we activated them was not typical for game progression and I’d say that they’re usually used for their other purpose: a backup life, essentially.
ROSE: There has to be another way to activate them because while there were an awful lot of roaming murderers in our respective sessions, that can't be the intended state of the game. So they have a primary activation condition that we didn’t trigger, but a secondary activation trigger of just getting killed while touching them.
TEREZI: TH3Y’R3 4 UN1QU3 OBJ3CT
TEREZI: TH4T’S WH3R3 TH3 M4JOR1TY OF YOUR PROBL3MS 4R3 OR1G1N4T1NG
TEREZI: 3V3N 1F YOU FOLLOW3D TH3 3X4CT P3RF3CT ST3PS TO G3T ON3, SBURB 1TS3LF DO3SN’T W4NT TO L3T YOU
ROSE: A unique object. So... if that is true, why have you let me continue on this path for so long? If it were truly impossible to create, surely I could have been pursuing more productive endeavors than this stupid alchemy quest.
TEREZI: 1 D1DN’T S4Y 1T W4S *1MPOSS1BL3*, 1 JUST S41D SBURB WON’T L1K3 1T
TEREZI: YOU’LL H4V3 TO CORN3R 1T, COM3 UP W1TH 4 SOLUT1ON 4ND R34SON1NG SO 1D34L TH4T 1T C4N’T 3V3N TH1NK 4BOUT R3FUS1NG YOUR R3QU3ST
TEREZI: 1T’S 4 COURT C4S3 1N M1N14TUR3 – WHY 4R3 YOU R1GHT? 4ND HOW W1LL YOU PROV3 1T?
ROSE: Unique object. Designated as such to prevent... what, fraud? Or no, I suppose I can see how it could be exploited... but standard gameplay is no longer our chosen path. It doesn’t matter why it’s classified as such, only that it is classified as a unique object and has restrictions inherent to its existence.
ROSE: A unique object has an unreadable captcha code, an apparent disinclination to be created through alchemy, and a strict limit of how many instances can exist per session- Oh!
ROSE: Strict limit *per session*, correct?
TEREZI: 4LMOST
TEREZI: 1S TH4T R34SON1NG ON 1TS OWN 3NOUGH TO FOOL SBURB 1TS3LF 1NTO G1V1NG YOU TH3 GR33N L1GHT ON CR34T1NG 4N OV3RPOW3R3D OBJ3CT?
ROSE: You’ve already figured this out, haven’t you?

From her cozy position, Terezi gives Rose a smug look before unzipping the beanbag and pulling out a frog-shaped bead to eat. It pops between her sharp teeth much like the carapace of a beetle might. Rose averts her gaze.

Chapter Text

The large black slab of rock sat about as unsubtly as a large slab of rock embedded, disruptively in the floor, possibly could.

To say, everyone had stopped what they were doing the moment Rose smugly produced the card for it, rendering it into reality with a decidedly ceremonious thud as it cracked the meteor’s innocent tile floor with reckless force.

DAVE: hey what the fuck

The slab sits, uncaring of the sudden disturbance it has caused. Rose sits on top of it, looking just as self-satisfied as she had since she successfully produced the card to begin with.

Karkat’s mouth is hanging open in a decidedly unflattering way.

ROSE: This, the fuck.
DAVE: rose i have a feeling you thought that was a really clever comeback
DAVE: but it really just didnt land
DAVE: flew right over everyones heads
DAVE: over all the troll thinkpans
DAVE: like a majestic but malformed chicken taking its only foray into flight before crashing to the ground
DAVE: the ground which is a pit of spikes that is also on fire just for good measure
DAVE: just flying high enough to valiantly clear your heads freeing us from having to bear witness to your comeback

In the background, Vriska has taken on the blank-eyed stare of someone forced to listen to Dave’s metaphors far too often.

Karkat is beginning to sputter indignantly, still too thrown to form words in a coherent manner. Really, everyone is still reeling in the exact same state, some just do not consider the prerequisite of coherency to be necessary to speaking.

ROSE: Kanaya, would you do me the honor of confirming that it’s real?

This phrase is enough to start Karkat into action properly.

KARKAT: HANG ON JUST A SINGULAR FUCKING MINUTE.
KARKAT: YOU’RE REALLY TELLING ME THAT YOUR FIRST INSTINCT UPON CREATING A SHITTY SLAB OF ROCK THAT APPARENTLY LOOKS JUST SIMILAR ENOUGH TO THE REAL THING TO MAKE YOU QUESTION IT IS TO IMMEDIATELY COMMIT A RITUAL SACRIFICE OVER IT IN WHIMSICAL HOPES OF GOD TIER REVIVAL?
KARKAT: I WOULD LIKE TO SEE ONE MINISCULE DROP OF EVIDENCE THAT IT COULD EVEN POSSIBLY BE REAL BEFORE WE JUMP STRAIGHT TO MURDER, YOU FUCKING LUNATICS.
DAVE: shit are we doing murder
KARKAT: NO! I LITERALLY JUST SAID THAT WE ARE NOT JUMPING STRAIGHT TO MURDER, AND YET YOU MANAGE TO CONSISTENTLY MISINTERPRET EVERY WORD I UTTER JUST TO BE A HORRIBLE FOUNTAIN OF SPITE.
TEREZI: NO 1 TH1NK YOU’R3 M1X1NG UP D4V3 4ND VR1SK4’S JOBS
VRISKA: Yeah, *I* exist to be a horri8le fountain of spite or whatever weird metaphor you settled on!
TEREZI: D4V3 1S L1K3, EY3 C4NDY
DAVE: cold

As the group bickers over whether calling Dave eye candy is a form of xenophobia (Rose deeply regrets introducing the trolls to this concept, as Vriska and Terezi have taken it to be a form of antagonism they find exceedingly funny), Kanaya herself is eyeing the slab.

When it landed, it tore one of the lovingly-alchemized rugs (Cloth Scarf || Intricately Patterned Journal) that adorned the floor of the common room.

It’s... not what she expected, she thinks. No grand sense of destiny swirls around it, no cinematic effect to really seal the deal, but it does seem... real. It seems real and grounded and given their current location, not a lot of things feel like they have much weight to them.

KANAYA: I Think At The Very Least It Is Worth Examining
KARKAT: KANAYA, IF YOU SAYING “Worth Examining” IS SOME ROUNDABOUT WAY OF INDICATING THAT YOU ARE ON BOARD WITH THIS PLAN, I AM GOING TO BEHEAD YOU FAR, FAR AWAY FROM THIS ROCK.
ROSE: Really, I wasn’t suggesting murder as the *first* step.
KARKAT: OH NO, YOU WERE GOING TO TRY MURDER AFTER ONE PISS-POOR FIRST STEP, SHRUG, AND DECIDE THAT IT WAS CLEARLY THE BEST OPTION. I KNOW HOW YOU BATSHIT SEERS WORK.
TEREZI: 1 T4K3 OFF3NS3 TO TH4T ST4T3M3NT
KARKAT: OH DO YOU NOW? WHICH EXAMPLES OF YOUR BRILLIANT PLANS DIDN’T INVOLVE MURDER AS EITHER THE FIRST OR SECOND STEP?
TEREZI: HMM
KARKAT: AND THERE WE ARE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! THE SEER’S SCATHING COMEBACK, “HMM”!
ROSE: I have had many plans that did not involve murder as the first *or* second step.
KARKAT: RITUALIZED SUICIDE COUNTS AS MURDER, JUST SO YOU KNOW. BECAUSE APPARENTLY I NEED TO POINT THAT OUT, GIVEN THAT YOU’VE SUGGESTED THIS NOT ONCE, BUT TWICE NOW.
KARKAT: YOU EVEN WENT AS FAR AS INCLUDING AN UNWITTING DAVE INTO YOUR TERRIBLE MOON-EXPLODING, GREEN SUN CREATING MISSION.
KARKAT: ONE SMALL STEP FOR SEERS, ONE GIANT LEAP BACKWARDS IN COMPETENCY FOR EVERYONE ELSE PULLED INTO YOUR ABSOLUTE MUSCLEBEASTSHIT PLANS.
DAVE: nah man i was on board with that whole ritualized suicide thing
DAVE: we really committed to that bit
DAVE: wait
DAVE: why do trolls have the one small step for man saying in your lexicon
DAVE: did trolls have a moon landing too
DAVE: shit this is gonna require some research
TEREZI: NO OUR MOON W4S FULL OF MR V4N1LL4 M1LKSH4K3 4ND H1S M3RRY B4ND OF L1M3 MORONS
ROSE: Hang on a minute. I think I’m putting some puzzle pieces together here.
KARKAT: WHAT’S THIS I HEAR? NOT A SINGLE ATTEMPT AT A REBUTTAL? LALONDE, RELATIVELY QUIET AND FREE OF NEEDLESS ARGUMENT FOR ONCE IN HER LIFE?
ROSE: Well, if we’re back to this topic, I suppose I must agree with my fellow seer’s judgment on the matter. Hmm indeed.
KANAYA: Really Now
KANAYA: Ritualized Suicide Should Be At The Very Highest The Third Step
KANAYA: Ideally The Fifth Or Sixth Step
KANAYA: Perhaps Even The Seventh Step
KANAYA: But Never The Eighth Step Just To Avoid The Eightfold Fascination Present In The Block
VRISKA: 8oring! If you’re just gonna stand around and discourse and dialogue around in your little circle, at least get started with the suicide *first*.
TEREZI: ONLY R1TU4L1Z3D SU1C1D3 THOUGH
TEREZI: W3 DON’T W4NT 4NY OF THOS3 LOW-K3Y DOM3ST1C4T3D SU1C1D3 C3R3MON13S
DAVE: god forbid yall dont be as extra as physically possible with your ritual suicides
KARKAT: SEE, THIS IS WHY I CAN’T TAKE ANY OF YOU PLACES.
KARKAT: EVEN IF SOCIETY STILL EXISTED, I WOULDN’T DARE RISK BEING SEEN IN PUBLIC WITH A SINGLE ONE OF YOU UNDER FEAR OF RABID PURSUERS, FUELED BY YOUR IDIOCY INTO A FROTHING RAGE.
DAVE: isnt that what happened with the clown or something
KARKAT: WE’RE NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT.
KANAYA: Strangely Enough Vriska Is Right In This Monumentally Uncommon Instance
KANAYA: It Cannot Hurt For Me To Get A Good And Proper Look At It At The Absolute Least

Kanaya approaches the black slab of stone.

The second the Sylph makes physical contact with it, her body goes completely limp as she collapses against the surface with a soft thud that echoes around the room. The bright glow of her skin slowly fades to nothing.

The room goes silent again as everyone tries to process what just happened.

DAVE: uh

Rose has jumped off the slab, still floating in mid-air from the leap, her previous expression replaced with sheer horror.

ROSE: Well, fuck!

Karkat produces an agonized sound that is best described as the verbal equivalent of keysmashing in anguish before he moves on to more eloquent reactions.

KARKAT: “WELL, FUCK?!?”
KARKAT: IS THAT THE REACTION WE’RE SETTLING ON, HUH? IS THIS WHAT WE SAY AFTER MURDERING SOMEONE, HOWEVER UNINTENTIONALLY?
KARKAT: IS THIS HOW WE’RE DOING THINGS NOW? OOPSIE FUCKING DAISY, I COMMITTED A HORRIBLE CRIME AND REDUCED OUR ALREADY LACKING PARTY DOWN BY IT’S BEST FIGHTER? IS THAT HOW WE SAY WHOOPS, THERE GOES THE SCIENTIFIC METHOD IN FAVOR OF FUCKING AROUND AND FINDING OUT?
ROSE: I...
DAVE: rose what the actual hell
DAVE: did you really just create a rock that kills people
DAVE: wasnt that like the exact opposite of the goal
DAVE: the goal is to die and then the rock revives you
DAVE: not die by touching the rock and stay dead
DAVE: i guess that answers the age old question of vampire weaknesses
DAVE: what kills a vampire
DAVE: rocks with little swirly symbols on them APPARENTLY
ROSE: I was just sitting on it though. I don’t... understand.

This is, in fact, the first time Rose has had to witness and deal with the consequences of her plans. This is new.

Vriska is still quiet, apparently too thrown by this to antagonize anyone yet. Terezi is right by her side, but rather than having the same horror-stricken expression as everyone else, she looks to be rather deep in thought.

TEREZI: SH3’S 4 R41NBOW DR1NK3R
KARKAT: OH HAVE WE MOVED ON TO STATING THE OBVIOUS? IS THIS THE KIND OF MEMORIAM WE’RE GOING WITH?
DAVE: (memoriam for a maryam haha)
DAVE: (no hang on theres something here)
DAVE: (memaryam?)
DAVE: (needs work)
KARKAT: LET ME ADD TO THIS: KANAYA IS NOW DEAD BECAUSE OF YOUR STUPID ALCHEMICAL FANTASIES OF MAKING THIS HELL GAME EVEN A LITTLE BIT EASIER.
TEREZI: NO, SH3’S 4 R41NBOW DR1NK3R
TEREZI: YOU KNOW, TH3 UND34D MONSTROS1TY PL4UG1NG TH3 D4YL1GHT HOURS
TEREZI: 4ND 4LSO TH3 4DOL3SC3NT TROLL L1T3R4TUR3 SH3LV3S BUT TH4T’S B3S1D3 TH3 PO1NT
ROSE: ...Key word undead.
TEREZI: 3X4CTLY, MY C4NT4LOUP3 COLOR3D D3T3CT1V3 P4L
DAVE: im really not seeing the significance here
DAVE: all we managed to do was remove the un- part of undead
DAVE: regular dead all around
KARKAT: WHO IS THE “WE” IN THIS SITUATION EXACTLY? BECAUSE WE WERE ALL *SO* INVOLVED IN LALONDE’S WEIRD FUCKING ALCHEMITER QUEST.
TEREZI: SO, L3T’S R3V13W SOM3 B4S1C G4M3 TH3ORY
TEREZI: D4V3 4ND K4RK4T, YOU TWO 4R3 3XCUS3D FROM TH1S 3X3RC1S3
DAVE: what why
VRISKA: You don’t know shit about S8ur8, clearly.
DAVE: hey thats some shit tier slander
DAVE: you at least gotta be right if youre going for defamation like that
VRISKA: ...You questioned if S8ur8 even had a progression. Excused.
KARKAT: DAVE, I CAN UNDERSTAND, BUT-
DAVE: (hey not cool were supposed to be bros)

Vriska suddenly looks uncomfortable, as if she’s just had a realization that what she’s about to say would be rude, and, more importantly, that she would experience consequences if she continues insinuating that Karkat sucks at Sburb.

VRISKA: Uhhhhhhhh...
KARKAT: NO, GO AHEAD, WHY ARE YOU SENDING ME OFF FROM THIS CONVERSATION?
VRISKA: DAVE NEEDS A GRU8SITTER, OKAY 8YEEEEEEEE!

Karkat starts to turn and pilot himself out of the room, as if in a daze, before he snaps back into awareness.

KARKAT: ALSO NOT COOL. I’M PRETTY FUCKING CERTAIN WE’VE BEEN OVER THE MIND CONTROL RULES, *MULTIPLE TIMES*-
VRISKA: Not my fault you’re not immune.
TEREZI: Y34H WH4T K1ND OF W34KS4UC3 W1GGL3R 1SN’T 1MMUN3 4T TH1S PO1NT?
ROSE: Have you considered not being weak to mind control?
KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK I WILL, IN FACT, GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS CONVERSATION. THANK YOU FOR YOUR CONTRIBUTIONS (MURDER), AND YOU BETTER FUCKING FIX THIS OR SO HELP ME, YOU WILL ALL BE JOINING THE REST OF OUR DEAD FRIENDS.

Karkat and Dave head out of the conversation to the very distant location of approximately halfway across the medium-sized room. As the girls stare at them, Karkat produces a Half-Assembled Pillow Fort (Couch Cushion && Lincoln Logs) and pointedly turns his back on them.

VRISKA: (I’m just saying, you two 8etter have 8een going somewhere good with that rain8ow drinker theory.)
ROSE: Yes, we most certainly were. Going somewhere good with it, that is. Somewhere that involves a less dead Kanaya.
TEREZI: UHHHHHHHH TO B3 HON3ST MY PL4N W4S JUST TO W41T 4N HOUR 4ND HOP3 1T R3SOLV3S 1TS3LF

The velvet pillow is pulled into reality for another impromptu screaming session.

TEREZI: NO, H4NG ONTO YOUR D3L1C1OUS V3LV3TY SCR34MS, 1 W4S GO1NG SOM3WH3R3 W1TH 1T
TEREZI: P4SS1V3L3Y
TEREZI: 4S SO B3N3F1TS OUR CL4SS D3S1GN4T1ON
TEREZI: 1T JUST SO H4PP3NS TH4T MY PL4N 31TH3R N34TLY R3SOLV3S 1TS3LF SOON OR... DO3SN’T
VRISKA: Pretty sure that isn’t much 8etter.
ROSE: So your plan is sitting around waiting and hoping your little hunch works itself out? What good does that do us?
TEREZI: W3LL, NON3 R34LLY 1F 1T F41LS
VRISKA: So what the fuck is the point of this convers8ion?
TEREZI: 1 DO NOT CONTROL TH3 SBURB G4M3 M3CH4N1CS
TEREZI: 1T 31TH3R WORKS OR 1T DO3SNT
ROSE: Could you at least do the rest of us the favor of clueing us into the mysterious mechanisms of your brain? Or whatever it is rattling around up there that counts as a brain?
TEREZI: F1N3
TEREZI: BUT NOT W1THOUT CONTR1BUT1ONS FROM TH3 JURY
ROSE: Couldn’t stand to just hear you ramble on, of course you want all of us actively engaged.
ROSE: You know, I almost prefer Vriska in that sense. Perfectly willing to prattle on for hours on end as long as she thinks she’s getting the attention she deserves.
VRISKA: I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or an insult, 8ut either way: fuck you, Lalonde!
TEREZI: 1 AM 3L3CT1NG TO 1GNOR3 TH4T 1N F4VOR OF L1T3R4LLY 4NYTH1NG 3LS3
TEREZI: SO, S1NC3 BOTH OF YOU H4V3 3XP3R13NC3D 1T: HOW DO3S GOD T13R1NG WORK?
VRISKA: Is this a8out to 8e some shitty trick question?
ROSE: Oh no, she just wants her audience participation. I’ll bite.
ROSE: God tiering happens when you die on your quest bed.
TEREZI: CLOS3 BUT NO B1NGO
VRISKA: I h8 to say it 8ut Lalonde’s right.
ROSE: Hang on a minute, could you say that again? I need to record that.
TEREZI: YOU’R3 NOT WRONG, BUT NOT COMPL3T3LY R1GHT 31TH3R
TEREZI: TH3 PROC3SS ST4RTS WH3N 4 D34D BODY M4K3S CONT4CT W1TH 4 QU3ST COCOON 4ND GO3S FROM TH3R3
TEREZI: 4RGU4BLY, 4 R41NBOW DR1NK3R *1S* 4 D34D BODY
ROSE: Ah, so if you define dead body as a body that has died...
VRISKA: Yeah, that’s how dying works! You die, and you’re a dead 8ody.
TEREZI: 1T ST4NDS TO R34SON TH4T, FOR TH3 PURPOS3S OF GOD T13R R3V1V1F1C4T1ON-
ROSE: That Kanaya touching it would count as fulfilling the activation criteria!
VRISKA: Uh yeah, 8ut what if it doesn’t? I don’t think-
TEREZI: Y34H, YOU SUR3 FUCK1NG DON’T
VRISKA: -that *I* took that long to revive.
ROSE: Well, clearly, we can’t all be in the same elite tier as you. Thank god for that.

A quick glance (or sniff) in the general direction of the quest bed reveals nothing new to anyone witnessing.

VRISKA: Can’t she just hurry the fuck up?

Nothing.

TEREZI: 1 4CTU4LLY H4V3 NO 1D34 HOW LONG VR1SK4’S GOD T13R R3V1V1F1C4T1ON TOOK
TEREZI: 1 W4S N34R H3R ON PROSP1T WH3N 1T H4PP3N3D BUT H3R DR34MS3LF JUST K1ND OF 3V4POR4T3D
VRISKA: Well, I died, no thanks to certain 8ronze8loods, and then I was alive and god tier!
ROSE: When The Tumor exploded and completely vaporized Dave and I, the god tier revival was instantaneous.
TEREZI: FROM YOUR PO1NT OF V31W, M4YB3

Another quick glance at the quest bed still yields nothing.

Karkat pokes his head out from the now mostly-assembled pillow fort to check the same thing. After seeing nothing new, he makes a threatening gesture at the three standing around doing fuck-all, before retreating back into the fort.

VRISKA: Well, on the 8right side, if nothing improves, we’ll all be joining her in the dream8u88le afterlife!

Rose raises an eyebrow at Vriska’s attempt at a joke.

VRISKA: That was a joke. It’s not like he could kill *me*, I’m too overpowered for some weaksauce non-god tiered player to kill me.
ROSE: Overpowered certainly is a word to describe you.
ROSE: In the same way that, say, humble is a word to describe you.
TEREZI: NO, 1 R34LLY TH1NK TH3 T3RM 1S R3V1V1F1C4T1ON
ROSE: Why would anything ever be called revivification? That doesn’t make any sense.
ROSE: That can’t even be a real word-
TEREZI: W41T SH1T 1 TH1NK SOM3TH1NG’S F1N4LLY H4PP3N1NG

The argument stops. Focus is shifted to the slab and corpse as they begin to glow a soft white.

VRISKA: Huh. So that’s what that looks like.
TEREZI: H3Y H4NG ON 4 S3COND D1DN’T YOUR WHOL3 QU3ST COCOON L1K3, FUCK1NG 3XPLO-
VRISKA: SHIT!!!!!!!!

Almost perfectly timed with Vriska’s outburst, a beam of white light shoots up from the slab, displaying the space ideograil for a split second before-

The rock explodes.

Or, to say, the sacrificial slab (no one caught on, but what they had all been calling a quest bed or cocoon was more properly a sacrificial slab, meant to rest in the heart of Prospit) and the accompanying corpse decorating it both go up in a bright light as every organic particle instantly vaporizes in the over-dramatic conclusion of the god tiering process.

While Kanaya’s corpse had the goodwill to destroy itself and render cleanup simple and easy, the remainder of the objects nearby have no such politeness.

The explosion sends several tiles worth of shrapnel flying towards the stunned onlookers, to say nothing of the chair that propels itself directly at Rose and knocks her into Vriska and Terezi. The group hits the floor, skidding slightly along the rug underfoot.

ROSE: FUCK!

This is said around a newly-bloodied nose, the consequences of a chair to the face. Vriska is blinking away afterimages from the explosion. Terezi has landed on top of the other two, somehow, and her elbow is directly in Vriska’s thoratic struts.

KARKAT: HEY WHAT THE EVER-LOVING FUCK?!?
DAVE: damn was that some sort of explosion
DAVE: thank goodness we had our couch cushion and and lincoln logs fort to conveniently protect us from any shrapnel
KARKAT: SO YOU NOT ONLY MADE A ROCK THAT KILLS RAINBOW DRINKERS, BUT YOU ALSO MADE A ROCK THAT KILLS RAINBOW DRINKERS AND THEN *EXPLODES*???
KARKAT: REALLY, WHAT EVEN IS THE FUCKING POINT OF HAVING YOU ON THE TEAM?

Rose makes some sort of incomprehensible complaint or response, blood dripping down her face.

KANAYA: Ah

Everyone’s attention is immediately drawn back to the slab’s location, revealing the newly-god tiered and thoroughly unimpressed looking Sylph of Space.

KANAYA: Well That Was Some Sort Of God Damned Fucking Nonsense

Chapter Text

The scene is set approximately five minutes later. After some trouble, Kanaya has managed to undo the buttons fastening her hood around her horns, Karkat has recaptchalogued his pillow fort, and Rose hasn’t made any progress on her broken nose.

VRISKA: Why the fuck would I know how to fix your 8roken fucked up human sniffnu8?
ROSE: I was *asking* you how long it took for injuries to, I don’t know, reset and go away? Isn’t that what god tier does?
VRISKA: 8old of you to assume I’ve ever gotten hurt!
KANAYA: No I Quite Clearly Remember Punching You In The Face At Least Once Since You Ascended To Your God Tier Status
KANAYA: Probably Multiple Times Beforehand
VRISKA: Clearly my superior troll physiology prevented me from getting hurt like some fragile mammal.
KANAYA: Clearly I Should Have Punched You Harder

Dave suddenly mentally checks back into the situation.

DAVE: oh broken nose
DAVE: haha theres something i hoped i wasnt gonna have to deal with again
ROSE: ...Again?
DAVE: nevermind
DAVE: just
DAVE: get over here

Fast forward again to approximately five more minutes in the future. Rose’s broken fucked up human sniffnub has been set and is rapidly going through some rather dramatic stages of bruising, Karkat has recovered from the spontaneous dizziness he encountered (which was totally unrelated the current events, he swears violently), and the blood that had somehow gotten onto Vriska’s god tier robes has finished self-laundering itself out.

Rose claps her hands together, intent on converting this fortuitous gathering of everyone directly into a team meeting. There’s still a pretty significant amount of her blood on her hands and it makes a sticky slapping noise.

ROSE: Alright everybody. We’re a third of the way there. Now, we just have to do this two more times.
KARKAT: WELL, THERE IT IS. WHAT IS QUITE POSSIBLY THE WORST OPENING TO A TEAM MEETING EVER. “SO, ABOUT THAT MURDER! SURE WAS GREAT, WASN’T IT? HOW ABOUT WE DO IT AGAIN!”
KARKAT: THIS TIME, YOU WON’T EVEN NEED QUESTIONABLE UNDEAD STATUS INTERACTING STRANGELY WITH SBURB’S INANE MECHANICS AND LOGIC LOOPS. I’LL WALK INTO THE BLOCK, DISCOVER THAT YOU’VE SOMEHOW MAGICKED ANOTHER QUEST COCOON DIRECTLY FROM YOUR NOOK, AND UPON SEEING SUCH IDIOCY AND YOUR TERRIBLE SMUG SEER EXPRESSION, I’LL SIMPLY DROP DEAD. MY BLOOD PUSHER WILL CEASE TO FUNCTION IN DESPERATE HOPES OF REMOVING ME FROM THE SITUATION.
KANAYA: I Am Indeed Fairly Certain That Your Blood Pusher Stopping Is In Fact One Of The Goals Of This Ordeal
KANAYA: Also It Would Not Kill You To Admit That You Were Worried About Me You Oversentimental Crybaby
TEREZI: H3H3H3 3V3N 1F 1T DO3S K1LL H1M TH4T’S ST1LL PRODUCT1V3 TO OUR C4US3!
KARKAT: YOU KNOW, I REALLY WAS FEELING A LOT SAFER BEFORE THIS STARTED.
KARKAT: I HAD EVEN BEEN CONSIDERING THE NO MURDER TREATY WE HAD WRITTEN UP TO BE ALMOST IRRELEVANT, GIVEN THAT I WAS, FOOLISHLY, RELATIVELY CONFIDENT NO MORE MURDER WAS GOING TO BE COMMITTED!
KARKAT: BUT HERE WE ARE. THE FLOODGATES ARE OPEN AND THE RESERVOIR WAS FULL OF SHOVELS AND RAKES AND IMPLEMENTS OF DESTRUCTION.
TEREZI: W41T WH4T NO MURD3R TR34TY 4R3 YOU T4LK1NG 4BOUT?
KARKAT: THE NO MURDER TREATY THAT’S HANGING IN EVERY SINGLE BLOCK IN THIS ENTIRE GODDAMN METEOR?
KARKAT: THE NO MURDER TREATY WE HAD TO EXPLICITLY WRITE OUT, PRINT, AND SIGN. YOU SIGNED IT. ALL OF YOU DID.
KARKAT: REMEMBER HOW WE AGREED TO THAT? REMEMBER HOW I HUNG ALL OF THEM UP?
TEREZI: OHHH *TH4T* NO MURD3R TR34TY!
KARKAT: YES, *THAT* NO MURDER TREATY. AS OPPOSED TO ALL THE OTHER NO MURDER TREATIES THAT YOU HAVE DEFINITELY NEVER SIGNED. THE SINGLE ONE YOU SPECIFICALLY DID SIGN AND AGREE TO FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE. REMEMBER THAT?
TEREZI: 4GR33 1S 4 STRONG WORD
TEREZI: BUT 1 GU3SS SO, WH4T 3LS3 W3R3 W3 GO1NG TO D3COR4T3 W1TH?
KANAYA: She Does Have A Good Point There
KANAYA: The Many Identical Copies Provide A Sense Of Familiarity To Quite Literally Every Single Room In This Meteor
KANAYA: It Is Almost Charming
ROSE: It is nice, even if I do have to wonder just how long you spent putting them up. How many rooms are there in this meteor? A hundred? Perhaps more?
ROSE: That must have been an eventful first week for you.
KANAYA: A Very Peaceful First Week For The Rest Of Us As Well
KARKAT: WAIT, WAS THIS JUST A VERTICAL PLANE ORNAMENT TO YOU?
TEREZI: W3LL Y34H, 1’M NOT GO1NG TO L1ST3N TO 4NYON3’S RUL3S BUT MY OWN
TEREZI: H4V3 YOU NOT F1GUR3D TH1S OUT BY NOW?
KARKAT: JESUS FUCK, WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER.
KARKAT: YOU SIGNED IT! DOES A LEGALLY BINDING SIGNATURE MEAN NOTHING TO YOU?
TEREZI: WH4T DO3S 4 S1GN4TUR3 M34N FROM 4 BL1ND G1RL?
DAVE: wait but cant you still read
DAVE: right
DAVE: terezi
DAVE: terezi this is really important can you not read
DAVE: have you just been randomly hitting keys in response to everything i type
TEREZI: W3LL Y34H
DAVE: i cant tell if youre bullshitting me or not right now
DAVE: but i guess i have no choice but to accept that the uh what the fuck was it called
DAVE: infinite monkey theory
DAVE: rose help me out you know this right
DAVE: the one with the
DAVE: infinite monkeys and shit
DAVE: right
ROSE: Honestly, I rather want to see what you can come up with on your own.
DAVE: okay so theres infinite monkeys right
DAVE: all hanging out in the uh infinite monkey zone
DAVE: doing monkey shit
DAVE: like eating bananas
DAVE: throwing shit
DAVE: and i mostly mean literal shit
DAVE: but also bananas cause theyre monkeys all they do is shit and bananas
DAVE: wait is that where the expression this shit is bananas came from
DAVE: infinite monkeys
DAVE: yeah thats probably it
DAVE: rose
DAVE: input
ROSE: You’re drifting significantly further and further from relevancy or any point that you might have, theoretically, eventually have been getting to.
DAVE: thanks really appreciate the help
DAVE: now where were we
KANAYA: We Were Talking About An Infinite Quantity Of Monkeys In An Infinite Monkey Habitation Zone For Some Reason Only Tangentially Related To The Conversation At Absolute Best
DAVE: right
DAVE: so were at the infinite monkey zone
DAVE: monkeys everywhere
DAVE: throwing bananas and shit
DAVE: weve already been through this
DAVE: uh
DAVE: i was going somewhere with this
DAVE: i think there might have been a typewriter involved
DAVE: someone help me out
DAVE:
DAVE: no one
DAVE: really
DAVE: wait do trolls even have monkeys
DAVE: infinite or otherwise
KARKAT: I WAS WRONG! LET IT BE KNOWN THAT I WOULD ACTUALLY PREFER TO BE BRUTALLY MURDERED OVER A QUEST BED THAN SIT HERE AND LISTEN TO THIS MONKEY-RELATED DRIVEL FOR EVEN ONE MINUTE LONGER.
ROSE: Fortunately for you, I will be able to arrange that soon.

Rose heads over to the sacrificial slab, attempting to captchalogue it in order to get a card of it for her idea wall. It remains in place, returning an error message which leaves her scowling and giving the slab a pointed glare, as if that will improve the situation whatsoever.

In lieu of being able to triumphantly pin the card onto her Pinterest style inspiration board of murder plans, she draws another predictably shitty rectangle with a somewhat more accurate Space symbol in the center. This is circled and has little lines drawn around it to emphasize their success.

ROSE: One third of the way there.
ROSE: Theoretically, it gets easier from here on out. We have one quest bed, so, if alchemy were to follow any reasonable or comprehensible system, it would be trivial to get the others!
ROSE: However.
TEREZI: 4H4H4H4 YOU N3V3R F1GUR3D OUT HOW TH1S WORK3D D1D YOU?!?
TEREZI: YOU GOT YOUR GR4BBY L1TTL3 TOUCHSTUMPS ON TH1S C4RD THROUGH OTH3R M34NS
TEREZI: YOU ST1LL DON’T KNOW GRUBFUCK 4BOUT 4LCH3MY!

Rose’s expression twists into a grimace, proving Terezi correct. The bruising throughout her face has almost completely dissolved at this point but the blood on the outside remains.

ROSE: Anyways. This can only be so complicated. Let’s get going.

Chapter Text

The sacrificial slab is still sitting right where Rose first dropped it.

KANAYA: Have You Tried Recaptchaloguing And Decaptchaloguing It Again

Rose fixes her with a withering stare. It has been three weeks since the incident and yet the rock remains firmly planted.

ROSE: Thank you, Kanaya dearest, for the basic tech support. I would have never attempted such a daunting maneuver otherwise, wherever would I be without your help?

Upon her attempt to captchalogue the sacrificial slab, a small error tone plays. The same error tone, in fact, that has played every single time anyone has tried to pick the slab up into their sylladex.

KANAYA: Alas It Appears To Have Grown Roots And Ingrained Itself Permanently Into Our Lives
ROSE: I suppose we’ll all just have to cope with the extremely traumatic and damaging reminder of how you were killed by a rock forever.
KANAYA: It Was A Pretty Cool Rock
ROSE: You say that as if it’s going anywhere in the foreseeable future.
ROSE: Hang on, let me check. Will the most fortuitous path involve this rock remaining directly in this spot?

Rose pauses for suspense, doing a very good job of looking concentrated and getting herself into enough of a class-appropriate mindset that it forces her powers to flick on, leaving her with dramatically glowing eyes that flicker off after a moment (right about when the aspect realizes it’s not actually being used for anything other than cinematic effect).

ROSE: I see, in your future...
ROSE: Yeah, this rock isn’t going anywhere.
KANAYA: Could We Perhaps Decorate It
KANAYA: That Seems To Have Worked Wonders For Concealing The Blood And Other Various Fluid Stains Left On The Meteor Floors
ROSE: Ah yes, our best strategy for covering up murders. Bleach? Never heard of it. Just cover it with a rug.
ROSE: I really do appreciate how our interior decorating skills consist of putting rugs on the floor, nodding, and agreeing that “Well, we’ve done the best we possibly can”.

Kanaya frowns and taps a finger against her lips, her skin glowing brighter as she appears deep in thought. Despite her usual persuasion to fashion, she has been seen mostly in her Sylph robes for the past three weeks. They really are just that cozy.

KANAYA: You Know
KANAYA: I Am Not Actually Certain If My Death Is Able To Be Considered A Murder Or Not
KANAYA: The First Time Certainly Was A Murder I Will Grant Eridan That
KANAYA: May He Rest In Multiple Pieces
KANAYA: But This Most Recent Incident Involving Your Alchemical Adventures And This Frankly Very Cool Rock
KANAYA: Is That Considered A Murder
ROSE: Well I should hope not, I’ve been trying to keep my record clean.
KANAYA: I Do Not Think That Wanting Something To Not Be A Murder However Sincerely Prevents It From Being Murder If It Is
KANAYA: If Vriska Could Wish Very Hard To Not Be A Murderer
KANAYA: Which I Do Not Actually Think She Ever Would As She Seems To View Murderer As A Cool Title
KANAYA: Perhaps Even As An Achievement Trophy Within Sburb
KANAYA: I Feel Like I Was Going Somewhere With That Metaphor
KANAYA: But We Have Instead Landed At Vriskas Inability To Comprehend That Murder Is Bad
ROSE: Using Vriska as a stand-in for any moral lesson is always going to end in failure.
KANAYA: I Suppose You Are Correct On That
KANAYA: I Also Suppose That I Would Not Squander My Time Perusing The Idea Of Not Having Been A Murderer
KANAYA: He Made His Own Cocoon And His Now Bisected Halves Are Very Inanimately Laying In Said Cocoon Of Poor Life Choices
KANAYA: Actually I Am Not Quite Sure Where His Corpse Ended Up And That Somewhat Unsettles Me And I Think I Would Not Like To Think On This Anymore
KANAYA: Let Us Get Into That Interior Decorating Activity Instead
KANAYA: Im Sure That If Nothing Else It Can Lift Your Mind From The Allegedly Truly Traumatic Incident Of My Death That Lasted Oh Maybe Five Minutes
ROSE: If I really can't recaptchalogue and recycle it to restore the quite impressive portion of our shared grist stores it used, I suppose that decorating it could be an acceptable compromise.
ROSE: Really, I don’t see why it was so absurdly expensive.
KANAYA: You Cannot Understand Why The Item That Is Completely Unique Within Any Given Session Mostly Indestructible And Activates One Of The Most Powerful Upgrades In The Entire Game Would Be So Expensive
KANAYA: I Mean Its One Sacrificial Slab How Much Could It Cost
KANAYA: Ten Build Grist

Rose gives Kanaya an exhausted glance at the quote.

KANAYA: Really How Did You Ever Manage To Stumble Ass Backwards
KANAYA: Or Ass Forwards I Suppose That Is Also A Possibility
KANAYA: Into Possessing The Code For The Space Sacrificial Slab
ROSE: Rather than messing around with the frankly absurd degree of alchemy shenanigans we were getting ourselves into, I decided to cut to the chase and use my resources.
ROSE: Part of the answer was in front of our faces from early into this adventure. The Captcharoid Camera. One of the components for Dave’s infernal SBaHJifier.
ROSE: The other answer was, I suppose, also in front of our faces from early into this adventure as well. What’s the best way to get a code from an item?
ROSE: Seeing that item in action.
ROSE: Taking a snapshot of a memory apparently counts for this purpose, given that memories are now physical locations we can visit with all the weirdness that entails.
KANAYA: The Dream Bubbles
KANAYA: I Never Thought Those Would Have Any Degree Of Relevance On Our Waking Lives Whatsoever And Was Frankly Quite Happy With That Assumption
KANAYA: And I Suppose You Are Now Sitting On Snapshots Of The Other Two Sacrificial Slabs As Well Just Dangling The Knowledge Over Our Group Like A Fishing Pole To The Seadweller Stomping Pools
KANAYA: Waiting To Distribute The Cards When The Narrative Calls For Karkat and Terezis Ascension To The God Tiers
ROSE: Well... no.
KANAYA: Oh Excellent We Can Continue To Have Ridiculous Alchemy Shenanigans Content In The Knowledge That It Is The Will Of Skaia Or Whatever Absurdities Your Light Powers Are Based In
KANAYA: Otherwise I Am Certain You Would Have Been Led To The Correct Memories In The Dream Bubbles To Prevent This Truly Disastrous Outcome For You And Your Growing Disdain For Alchemy Altogether
ROSE: The dream bubbles remain outside of my wide array of powers and abilities.
ROSE: The closest title-related benefit I get is the ability to immediately know when I’m dreaming.
ROSE: The bubbles aren't rooted in any form of reality aside from the whims of dead teenagers, which are, for whatever reason, not included in Light’s coverage. I’m honestly surprised the Captcharoid Camera functioned there at all.
ROSE: I can only assume that the memory I stumbled into belonged to a dead doomed dream Jade (here we are again, the debate of how many qualifiers we can get preceding the word “self” before it no longer makes sense), being the center of our session’s Prospitian moon, but I was alone in the memory.
KANAYA: So You Took The Snapshot And Fled The Scene To Presumably Immediately Craft Said Slab
KANAYA: Being Inexplicably Shocked By What I Am Certain Is In Reality A Quite Reasonable Grist Demand For The Slab
KANAYA: Notably I Still Cannot Believe That An Entire Sacrificial Slab Somehow Costs Less Than Recreating The Matriorb
ROSE: (I mean, it’s one Matriorb how much could it cost, ten build grist?)
KANAYA: (I Heard That But Am Electing To Ignore You)
KANAYA: And Then You Proceeded Directly To Your Brilliant Plan Of Ritualized Murder
KANAYA: You Also Implied You Used Alchemy To Figure Out This Puzzle And Will Continue To Use Alchemy To Figure Out The Remainder Of The Problem
KANAYA: Were You Just Hoping No One Caught On And Asked How You Obtained The Code
KANAYA: Thereby Preventing You From Having To Oh Gasp Admit That You Are Not The All Knowledgeable Alchemy Wizard (Its You Youre The Alchemy Wizard) That You Pretend To Be
ROSE: Of course not. I was intentionally misleading everyone for other, more selfish reasons.
KANAYA: Such As
ROSE: Do you want everyone to realize that they can use the Captcharoid Camera to recreate every single object they witness in a dream bubble?
KANAYA: Ah Yes I Can Already Imagine The Consequences
KANAYA: Our Journey Would Forever Be Blighted By The Whims Of The Players With Less Impulse Control And Definitely Not Because You Just Didnt Want To Admit A Shortcoming
KANAYA: And Just To Be Generous To Your Obvious Insecurity I Will Kindly Drop This Subject In Order To Go Fetch My Brilliant Plan For Concealing The Sacrificial Slab

Kanaya quickly absconds from the room using a combination of low-level spatial warping and, of course, mystical rainbow drinker powers such as “going really fast”. She returns improbably quickly, proudly holding a previous attempt at creating a sacrificial slab.

ROSE: Oh no.

The blanket is gleefully spread out on top of the slab.

The Space player sacrificial slab is now cleverly covered with a blanket.

A black blanket, with a poorly drawn Space symbol on it.

The Space Snuggleplane makes its reappearance.

KANAYA: No One Will Be The Wiser
KANAYA: Except Maybe For People With Eyes

Rose stares in thinly veiled despair.

ROSE: Well, I suppose that’s as good a solution as any.

Chapter Text

On his nightly rounds of the meteor to make sure that nothing has gone drastically wrong in the past half-day, Karkat begrudgingly walks into the ectobiology lab, only to be stopped dead in his tracks as the floor... squishes slightly beneath his socks.

This is not a dissimilar experience to stepping in, say, sopor when your recuperacoon slops it onto the floor of the block when you’re least suspecting it, or stepping in the scattered leavings of entrails your lusus has decided to gift you with, but neither of those could be expected on a meteor mostly barren of life save for - well, actually, Karkat could see some of his coplayers leaving entrails, so metaphor cancelled!

He quickly backs up, dreading the experience of getting mystery slime out of his socks and the bottoms of his pajama pants (maybe just recycling and alchemizing new ones was the move here?), and takes a moment to assess the situation.

DAVE: ayy vantas joining the slime party

Dave is floating in the air cross-legged at the exact height required to keep his cape out of the slime. He has an uncannily successful history of keeping his cape out of nonsense when he’s floating, which is probably the result of a very specific Kiddie Camper Handysash badge he earned at some point or another.

Rose is similarly floating in front of the ectobiology related machinery that Karkat never quite learned the name of, preferring to use increasingly colorful descriptive language to curse the very existence of. Her ballet slippers are slightly stained by the green slime tide that’s blanketing the room.

Terezi is perched on top of one of the ectobiology slime tubes looking increasingly disgruntled by the still-expanding slime puddle that has now grown to re-cover Karkat’s disgustingly slimy socks.

KARKAT: LOOK NORMALLY I WOULD ASK WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS GOING ON BUT FRANKLY, I THINK I REALLY DON’T WANT TO KNOW.
TEREZI: 1T’S R34LLY JUST MOSTLY 4 WHOL3 OC34N V3SS3L-LO4D FULL OF, YOU GU3SS3D 1T, SL1M3
KARKAT: THE WHAT OF THE SITUATION IS PAINFULLY OBVIOUS. THE LESS OBVIOUS BUT STILL EQUALLY WORRYING WHY OF THE SITUATION IS MORE WHAT I’M COMPLETELY DISINTERESTED IN.
DAVE: werent you the leader of session troll
DAVE: i know egbert was the one in our session dancing around making babies from goop
DAVE: pretty sure you had the exact same experience
DAVE: except maybe less dancing and more
DAVE: actually now im imagining you doing a furious tap solo and this is now how im gonna be envisioning it going down in my mind
ROSE: Appearifier.
DAVE: bless you
ROSE: You’ve actually made this exact joke the past three times I’ve said appearifier-
DAVE: (bless you)
ROSE: Make that four times. It’s really nowhere near as funny as you think it is.
KARKAT: YOU ARE AWARE THAT I ALREADY CREATED THE MOURNFULLY LARGE QUANTITY OF WIGGLERS REQUIRED FOR THE SESSION THAT WE’RE *NOT EVEN CURRENTLY IN*, RIGHT?
ROSE: Oh god no, I’m not creating any unholy slime creatures.
DAVE: rose you are aware that were also unholy slime creatures by your own definition right
ROSE: Exactly. We don’t need any *more* unholy slime creations.
KARKAT: THEN WHY, PRAY TELL, THE SHAMEGLOBE-FONDLING FUCK ARE YOU AT THE UNHOLY SLIME CREATION STATION?

Rose stands at the unholy slime creation station, about to jump into a long-winded explanation about why exactly she’s trying to make sacrificial slabs at the unholy slime creation station, when Terezi cuts into the conversation right as the other seer opens her mouth.

TEREZI: PO1NTL3SS GROUP 3X3RC1S3 1N NOT UND3RST4ND1NG HOW T1M3 P4R4DOX3S WORK
KARKAT: SO I NOW SEE WHY DAVE IS INVOLVED IN THIS. TIME PARADOXES ARE RELEVANT TO A TIME PLAYER AND ALSO WE CAN NEVER FORGET THE IMPORTANT POINT OF HUMAN PACKBONDING THAT’S LEFT THE HUMANS FUNCTIONALLY ATTACHED AT THEIR SHARED THINKPAN CELL, BUT WHAT PURPOSE DOES A SEER OF MIND SERVE AT THIS GATHERING OF STUPIDITY?
TEREZI: 3NT3RT41NM3NT, MOSTLY
ROSE: I *was* doing this as an independent activity but now I’ve got three useless spectators.
DAVE: not true im pointing out when something is causing a time paradox

Rose nearly growls at him, turning back to the appearifier and fast-forwarding by exactly one frame. The selected object on screen does not visibly change whatsoever, remaining a vague blur behind green fire. She slams her hand down onto the appearify button and it certainly does appearify a Blood sacrificial slab – composed entirely of paradox slime that holds its shape for a split second before decomposing into formless goo.

DAVE: theres a time paradox
ROSE: I am *well fucking aware* that it’s a time paradox!

She fast-forwards one more frame, repeating the process to identical results. Karkat now understands why there’s just so much damn slime in the room.

DAVE: you guessed it-
ROSE: I do not need your time player commentary when every single attempt results in a very obvious failure!
KARKAT: WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU TRYING TO DO? DROWN US IN PARADOX SLIME? YOU’RE MAKING A PRETTY GOOD HEADWAY ON THAT TASK, I GUESS, IF THAT’S YOUR ALMIGHTY PAN-DAMAGED IDEA OF MAKING LITERALLY ANY WORTHWHILE PROGRESS ON YOUR ALREADY SEMI-POINTLESS IDIOT QUEST.
ROSE: In all my alchemy studies, I somehow completely overlooked the idea that there might be an alternative to it all. The ectobiology lab is mostly worthless at this point in gameplay but the appearifier could be the key to our troubles.
TEREZI: Y34H 1F YOUR TROUBL3S 4R3 4 D1ST1NCT L4CK OF 3NDL3SS 3XP4NS3S OF UN4PP3T1Z1NG 4SP4R4GUS SLUDG3 YOU’V3 DON3 1T
KARKAT: OKAY SO YOU’RE TRYING TO APPEARIFY THE SACRIFICIAL SLABS FROM OUR SESSION BEFORE, WHAT, THEY’RE INFINITELY DESTROYED BY THE UNHOLY FIRST GUARDIAN FIRE?
DAVE: shes not getting where the time paradox is coming from
TEREZI: 3VID3NTLY, *SOM3TH1NG* W1TN3SS3D TH3 D3STRUCT1ON OF OUR PROSP1T, TH3R3FOR3 PR3V3NT1NG YOU FROM S1MPLY 4PP34R1FY1NG TH3 SL4BS W1THOUT C4US1NG 4NOTH3R T1M3 P4R4DOX
ROSE: They appear to meet their demise in the fire, yes, but there should be a precise moment where trying to appearify them won’t result in a time paradox. They’ll still appear to have been destroyed by the fire but will actually be right here.
KARKAT: SO YOU’VE JUST BEEN GOING FRAME-BY-FRAME THROUGH THE TIMELINE OF OUR UNIVERSE – SIDE NOTE, ISN’T IT PRETTY FUCKED UP THAT OUR UNIVERSE OPERATES OFF CLEARLY DEFINABLE FRAMES?
DAVE: nah its just a thing
KARKAT: GREAT, GOOD TO KNOW THAT THE TIME PLAYER ISN’T CONCERNED BY THIS! GUESS IT’S FINE THEN.

Rose fast-forwards another frame. More slime abounds.

KARKAT: YOU’RE REALLY JUST GOING TO KEEP DOING THIS UNTIL YOU EITHER FIND SOME SUCCESS (CATACLYSMICALLY UNLIKELY) OR RUN OUT OF, UGH, IMPROBABLY PRECISE FRAMES?
TEREZI: 1T C3RT41NLY S33MS TH4T W4Y
KARKAT: YOU’RE NOT EVEN ALLOWED TO FLOOD THE METEOR WITH SLIME! DROWNING *WAS* IN THE NO MURDER TREATY YOU SIGNED AND YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE THE EXCUSE OF NOT BEING ABLE TO READ (COUGH *LIES* COUGH).
TEREZI: W3LL, SH3’S NOT *1NT3NT1ON4LLY* DROWN1NG YOU
KARKAT: INTENT DOESN’T MATTER WHEN YOUR LIFELESS CORPSE IS FLOATING FACEDOWN IN MILES UPON CUBIC FUCKING MILES OF SLIME!
TEREZI: NO 4CTU4LLY TH4T’S WH3R3 YOU’R3 WRONG
KARKAT: OH SWEET HUMAN JESUS HERE WE GO, IT’S LEGAL TIME WITH THE MOTHERFUCKING CLOWN OF THE GODDAMN HOUR WHO ISN’T EVEN A CLOWN IN ANY WAY OTHER THAN HER REPEATEDLY MORONIC COURTROOM MOCKUPS WHEN NEWSFLASH, ASSHOLE, THERE AREN’T ANY LAWS LEFT!
TEREZI: YOUR NON-L3G4LLY B1ND1NG CONTR4CT N3V3R SP3C1F13D TH4T D34TH R3SULT1NG FROM 1N4CT1ON COUNTS 4S MURD3R
TEREZI: TH3R3FOR3, HOW3V3R MUCH 1 D1SL1K3 TH3 CURR3NT S1TU4T1ON 4ND WOULD R4TH3R B3 3LS3WH3R3
TEREZI: ROS3 1S FULLY W1TH1N H3R R1GHTS TO SUBM3RG3 TH1S M3T3OR 1N 4S MUCH SL1M3 4S H3R L1TTL3 BLOOD PUSH3R D3S1R3S 4ND 1 H4V3 NO L3G4L GROUNDS TO STOP H3R ON

Throughout the conversation, Rose has been steadily accumulating more and more slime in the room until she suddenly stops.

ROSE: Fuck!
DAVE: huh
ROSE: I lost my focus.
DAVE: well just refocus then damn
ROSE: No, I lost the focus on the slab. It’s fucking obliterated and apparently I’m just not allowed to appearify it. So much for that!
KARKAT: I REALLY DO HATE TO ASK, YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT ENCOURAGING YOUR VERBOSITY IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM, BUT HOW DID YOU EVEN GET IT TO FOCUS ON MY SLAB TO BEGIN WITH? IT *WAS* LOCKED ONTO SOME SHITTY OLD TROLLS THAT WERE *APPARENTLY* OUR FOREVER COSMICALLY RELEVANT ASSHOLE PROGENITORS, OR MAYBE THE OTHER WAY AROUND, I TRY VERY HARD NOT TO THINK ABOUT ANCESTRY, BUT I SURE COULDN’T CHANGE THE SELECTIONS.
ROSE: Uh.
KARKAT: ACTUALLY YOU KNOW WHAT, FORGET I ASKED! ANYTHING THAT MAKES YOU NERVOUSLY GLANCE OVER TO THE CONSOLE WITH WHAT RESEMBLES A GUILTY LOOK, IF SEERS WERE CAPABLE OF GUILT (IMAGINE!), I DON’T WANT ANY PART OF!
ROSE: Did you know that very high tier weaponry will actually work as a focus for our powers?
KARKAT: NO ACTUALLY, AND I DON’T WANT TO KNOW ANY MORE! BUT WHEN HAS THAT EVER STOPPED YOU FROM FLAPPING YOUR IGNORANCE GASH MORE AND MORE?

Rose pointedly looks over to the console – rather the now-sparking remains of the console. One of her Quills is violently embedded in the hole where there should be a joystick for selecting objects.

Karkat lets out a decidedly and unsurprisingly inhuman groan of despair at the sight.

KARKAT: HOW ABOUT WE TRY NOT TO BREAK ANY MORE IRREPLACEABLE EQUIPMENT? HOW ABOUT WE JUST TRY THAT FOR, OH, I DON’T KNOW, THE REMAINDER OF OUR THREE HUMAN YEAR LONG VOYAGE THROUGH THE STARS. REALLY, HOW HARD CAN THAT BE?
DAVE: oops

Dave now stands over the even-more-destroyed and still-sparking remains of the console with a sword in hand after his attempts to extract the singular Quill of Echidna from the wreckage.

DAVE: you know historically speaking maybe i shouldnt be the one trying to remove objects that are stuck in other objects

Chapter Text

The transportalizer crackles to life, the beam of light broken by the luminescent silhouette of Karkat, storming into the room before the transportalization animation is even complete. With a slight glitching effect, he’s drawn into full visibility and out of the unpleasant state of animation cancelling technique (which he has managed to discover only through sheer inability to wait for the effect to finish).

KARKAT: ALL THE WRATH OF EVERY SINGLE HEMOCASTE COMBINED – YES, EVEN THE ILLEGAL LIMEBLOODS AND EVERY INDIVIDUALLY UNIQUELY FUCKED UP CLOWN AND HEIRESS – PALES IN COMPARISON TO THE SHEER AMOUNT OF BULGE-WRITHING RAGE I FEEL EVERY TIME I AM TRANSPORTALIZED FROM ONE DISTINCT, MISERABLE LOCATION IN SPACE TO THE NEXT EQUALLY DISTINCT AND MISERABLE LOCATION IN SPACE.

He swats at his hair, slapping away the errant pixels leftover from the effect. Without even bothering to look at what’s happening within the alchemy room, he launches into his next point.

KARKAT: HAVE YOU NOT FIGURED OUT BY NOW THAT I HAVE ALERTS SET UP ON GRISTTORMENT? IT’S A REALLY BASIC FEATURE AND I’M PRETTY SURE IT EVEN LISTS MY PROFILE AS HAVING NOTIFICATIONS SET UP FOR CERTAIN COMBINATIONS OF INSANE FUCKWIT NONSENSE.
KARKAT: I KNOW WHEN YOU’RE GETTING UP TO YOUR SHITTY ALCHEMY SHENANIGANS AND I KNOW THAT YOU JUST GAINED A LOT MORE ARTIFACT GRIST THAN YOU HAVE *ANY* RIGHT TO HAVE.
KARKAT: WE HAVE GUIDELINES ON THIS, YOU KNOW. DESPITE THE FACT THAT EVERY RESIDENT OF THIS METEOR, TORMENTED SOULS STREAKING THROUGH OBLIVION THAT WE MAY BE, HAS PROVEN COMPLETELY INCAPABLE OF EITHER READING OR AGREEING TO THE CONTRACTS I SO LOVINGLY AND GENEROUSLY WRITE UP FOR EVERYONE, THERE STILL ARE RULES ON THIS.
KANAYA: My Soul Isnt Feeling Particularly Tormented
KARKAT: THANK YOU FOR YOUR INPUT, KANAYA-
KARKAT: WAIT HANG ON A MINUTE.

Kanaya’s intrusion into the outburst stops Karkat in his tracks, pausing to actually look at what nonsense is actually transpiring in the room. He sees the following:

Seven Unreal Airs buzzing against the ceiling like particularly confused flies, clipping in and out of the boundaries of the wall.

Kanaya, perched on a pile of fabric with an embroidery hoop and needle in her hands.

The imprint of an object the exact dimensions of a sacrificial slab in the floor, only visible through the glitching effects of collision as it attempts to break back into bounds.

Rose, surrounded by her usual ring of questionably useful alchemized items, staring at grist demand for an item in clear bewilderment.

KARKAT: I MAY HAVE MISREAD THE SITUATION. YOU ARE *NOT* THE PROBLEM-CAUSING HUMAN I WAS EXPECTING. THOUGH THAT STILL DOESN’T EXCUSE THE SHAMELESS MISUSE OF ARTIFACT GRIST AND THE OBJECT YOU’RE EMBARRASSINGLY FAILING TO CONCEAL WITHIN THE FLOOR OF THE BLOCK. REALLY, WHO DO YOU THINK YOU’RE FOOLING WITH THAT?

Rose looks up, eyes focusing on Karkat as she dismisses the alchemy menu overlay from her vision.

ROSE: Oh?
KANAYA: Karkat Are You Admitting To Blatantly Violating Our Privacy Through Closely Monitoring Our Every Alchemization
KANAYA: How Could You
KARKAT: SO OUT OF EVERYTHING OBVIOUSLY AND HILARIOUSLY WRONG WITH THE CURRENT SITUATION WE’RE TRAPPED IN BY VIRTUE OF THE HIDEOUS COMBINATION OF PERSONALITIES PRESENT, THIS IS WHAT YOU’RE CHOOSING TO FOCUS ON? YOU’VE LASER FOCUSED IN ON THE PROBLEM AND DECIDED THAT THE GEOGRAPHICAL INCLINE YOU’RE GOING TO DIE ON, HOWEVER JUST OR HEROIC *OR* DESERVED IT MAY BE, IS GOING TO BE MY GRISTTORMENT MONITORING?
KANAYA: I Do Believe Youve Summed Up The Situation Quite Accurately Yes
ROSE: I have been meaning to ask, why is your branch of GristTorrent named so differently than the Sburb version? Is it not cleverly named after BitTorrent in the same manner most Sburb applications seem to be named after an only vaguely similar existing creation of human society?
KARKAT: GRISTTORMENT, NAMED AS A PLAY ON BITTORMENT? I DON’T SEE WHERE YOUR PROBLEM IS.
ROSE: Oh, so it’s the logical intersection of Sburb’s naming practices and Alternian naming practices. I suppose that makes sense, though I don’t understand why your version hasn’t rebranded itself yet. We’re all members of the same session (or lack of session) at this point, aren’t we?
ROSE: But regardless, the question still remains: why do you have alerts set up, seemingly tied to the use of artifact grist?
KARKAT: DO YOU NOT SEE THE BULLSHITTERY GOING ON DIRECTLY ABOVE YOUR HEADS? LOOK AT IT WITH ALL FOUR OF THE SEEMINGLY INEFFECTIVE GANDER BULBS SHARED BETWEEN YOU TWO FOOLS. THERE’S AN ABOMINATION AGAINST NATURE (SEVEN OF THEM ACTUALLY! THAT’S WORSE!) FERVENTLY THRUSTING ITSELF AGAINST THE CEILING WITH ALL THE FORCE OF THE IDIOCY GRANTED BY STATUS OF BEING APPARENTLY BIRTHED DIRECTLY FROM STRIDER’S VERY LOINS.
KANAYA: I Am Beginning To Regard The Unreal Airs Fondly At This Point
KANAYA: Their Persistence In Escaping The Boundaries Set By Reality
KANAYA: Their Similarly To Various Alternian Nocturnal Insects
KANAYA: The Delightful Ambiance They Add To Any Block
KARKAT: WAIT, HAS IT BEEN *YOU* MAKING MORE OF THEM ALL ALONG? I HAVEN’T BEEN ABLE TO TRACK DOWN THE CULPRIT BECAUSE, OF COURSE, THEY COST ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, ENABLING THE MASTERMIND TO GET AWAY WITH THEIR WHIMSICAL MORON ANTICS AT ONLY THE COST OF SUBJECTING THE REST OF US TO *THAT*.
KARKAT: THEY’RE NOT EVEN IN LINE WITH THE REST OF SBURB’S TERRIBLE GLITCHED ITEM SERIES, BECAUSE THAT WOULD MAKE FAR TOO MUCH SENSE. NO, OF COURSE THEY RUN ON THEIR OWN UNIQUE LOGIC OF BEING COMPLETELY FREE AND THEREFORE COMPLETELY UNTRACEABLE IF NOT FOR EVERYONE’S PATHOLOGICAL NEED TO OVERSHARE VIA QUIRKY ANECDOTES.
KARKAT: HONESTLY, I WAS GUESSING DAVE OR TEREZI. YOU WEREN’T EVEN ON MY LIST OF SUSPECTS FOR REPURPOSING OUR METEOR AS A SANCTUARY FOR UNREAL AIRS.
KANAYA: I Will Neither Confirm Nor Deny Your Baseless Claims

Karkat gives her an incredulous look, dramatically pointing his finger in accusation. This is quickly interrupted by Rose calling him over to the alchemy device array.

ROSE: Have you ever seen this variety of grist?
KARKAT: LALONDE, OF *COURSE* I’VE SEEN THAT VARIETY OF GRIST. AT THIS POINT I’VE SEEN EVERYTHING SGRUB HAD TO OFFER WITH MY TORTURED GANDER BULBS, REPEATEDLY FORCED TO WITNESS EVERY NEW KIND OF MUSCLEBEASTSHIT SGRUB HAD THE AUDACITY TO THROW AT US. GRIST IS BASIC WIGGLER SHIT. WE’VE ALL SEEN ALL THE KINDS OF GRIST SGRUB HAD TO OFFER.
KANAYA: The Artifact Grist Was Actually A New Addition To The Ever Growing Pile Of Bullshittery
KARKAT: LOOK TO BE HONEST, I DON’T EVEN THINK ARTIFACT GRIST IS A NATURAL PART OF SGRUB. I THINK THAT, UPON WITNESSING AND RENDERING THE CAPTCHA OF STRIDER’S PAN, YOUR SBURB SESSION CORRUPTED AND GLITCHED IN NEW WAYS AND CREATED THE ENTIRE CATEGORY OF GLITCHED AND “SBAHJ” THEMED ITEMS.
ROSE: Karkat, you didn’t even look.

Karkat looks.

KARKAT: WELL FUCK. GOD DAMN ROSE, YOU’VE STUMPED ME. WHAT IN THE EVER-LOVING EVER-TORMENTED FUCK IS THAT?
ROSE: I came across it while previewing various items in combination with the code for the sacrificial slab.
ROSE: Curiously enough, this preview is actually a result of combining the slab with the Unbreakable Katana, of all things.
ROSE: It’s unobtainable as far as I can tell. If I were able to get my hands on an item that uses this type of grist, and then process it through the SBaHJifier...
KARKAT: ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN IT’S ACTUALLY GRIST?
ROSE: It shows up within the alchemy menu abstraction. Therefore, it’s grist.
KARKAT: IT’S JUST ORBS.
ROSE: Orbs they may be, but they’re now lurking within our shared GristTorrent cache as an as-of-yet undiscovered grist type.
KANAYA: I Do Wonder If Perhaps It Is Somehow Similar To Artifact Grist
KANAYA: It Certainly Has A Unique Appearance And If We Are To Give Weight To The Concept That Artifact Grist Is In Fact Linked To The Mere Inclusion Of Daves Think Pan Into Your Alchemy System
KANAYA: Then Perhaps This Grist Is The Result Of Another Unusual Interaction Between Players And The Evidently Unstable And Open To Suggestion Alchemy System
ROSE: I was also under the impression that we had discovered all the types of grist available. This might be a new addition to the already impressive variety of grist.
KARKAT: GREAT! THIS IS FUCKING AMAZING NEWS. NOW WE KNOW THAT, REGARDLESS OF OUR SHITTY UNDERSTANDING OF ALCHEMY, NEW TYPES OF GRIST COULD BE POPPING INTO EXISTENCE, ENTIRELY UNWARRANTED, AT *ANY* MOMENT IN OUR TORMENTED EXCUSE FOR AN EXISTENCE!
ROSE: It does appear that they’ll be entirely unknowable until discovered.
KARKAT: THAT’S ACTUALLY WORSE. DO YOU SEE HOW THAT’S WORSE?
ROSE: No, not particularly.
KARKAT: OH, YOU DON’T SEE? LET ME PUT IT IN SIMPLE WORDS ACCESSIBLE TO THE TERMINALLY BRAINDEAD. ANY TIME YOU TURN YOUR SPINAL PILLAR ON THE VERY CONCEPT OF ALCHEMY, THE MOMENT IT CATCHES YOU UNAWARES, IT COULD BE ADDING TRULY HIDEOUS AMOUNTS OF NONSENSE AND ABSOLUTE FUCKING POPPYCOCK INTO THE SYSTEM YOU’RE APPLYING YOURSELF SO THOROUGHLY TO FAILING TO UNDERSTAND IN THE SLIGHTEST.
KARKAT: FUCK, ISN’T YOUR TITLE ESSENTIALLY “KNOWER OF THINGS”?
ROSE: Not really-
KARKAT: YOU OF ALL PEOPLE SHOULD BE FUCKING INCANDESCENT WITH RAGE OVER THIS UNFORESEEN OVERSIGHT IN YOUR DOMAIN. IT’S DOWNRIGHT INHUMANE FOR IT TO BE PULLING THE WOOLBEAST FIBERS OVER OUR GANDER BULBS IN THIS ALREADY TEDIOUS SYSTEM OF MUSCLEBEASTSHITTERY.
KANAYA: I Think That Sometimes Things Just Happen And It Is Not Our Place Nor Our Responsibility To Even Dare Acknowledge Them Too Much
KARKAT: KANAYA ARE YOU SERIOUSLY GOING TO REMAIN COMPLACENT IN THIS? IT’S NOT EXACTLY YOUR DOMAIN AS A SPACE PLAYER, I’LL GIVE YOU THAT, WHATEVER YOUR DOMAIN MAY BE-
KANAYA: Its Space
KARKAT: I- YEAH, I GUESS YOU’RE RIGHT. I SHOULDN’T HAVE POSED THIS OBVIOUS QUESTION WITHOUT EXPECTING YOU TO CHIME IN IN WHAT SEEMS LIKE OBLIVIOUSNESS BUT IS ACTUALLY A CAREFULLY CALCULATED MANIFESTATION OF YOUR SLIGHTLY OFF-KILTER SENSE OF HUMOR. THAT’S MY BAD.
KANAYA: The Alchemy System Remains An Arcane Construct That None Can Hope To Truly Understand And I Think We All Simply Need To Learn To Live With That
KANAYA: Hopefully While Getting The Results We Are So Fervently Chasing Down
KANAYA: And Hopefully Without Further Sweet Bro And Hella Jeff Themed Quest Bed Facsimiles Though It Did Quite Conveniently Dispose Of Itself
KANAYA: Mostly
KARKAT: IS *THAT* WHAT’S IN THE FLOOR?
KANAYA: Yes It Cost A Truly Absurd Negative Amount Of Artifact Grist
KANAYA: Which Is To Say We Now Have A Truly Absurd Amount Of Artifact Grist Within Our Collective Possession
ROSE: It seemed like a useful thing to create.
KANAYA: Rose I Do Not Think That Any Of The Things You Create Could Be Described As Even Remotely Useful A Good Ninety Nine Percent Of The Time
KARKAT: YEAH NO, IF WE DIDN’T HAVE THE SBAHJIFIER TO RESTORE THE PROFOUNDLY WORRYING AMOUNTS OF GRIST YOU’RE COMPULSIVELY BURNING IN YOUR ALCHEMY QUEST, I WOULD HAVE PUT A STOP TO IT BY NOW.
KANAYA: You And What Leadership
KARKAT: KANAYA THAT’S FUCKING COLD.
KANAYA: Alas So It Is

As Rose has been cycling through potential alchemizations with the Space sacrificial slab, she settles on Dave’s Timetables. The result isn’t a Time sacrificial slab (truly, that would be too simple) but instead a plain slab of non-sacrificial rock with a Time symbol slightly to the left, the preview clipping into the base of the Holopad attachment.

ROSE: Oh!
ROSE: Hang on, I think I’m onto something here.
ROSE: I just need to separate the two concepts from this card and-
KARKAT: AND WHAT, YOU HAVE A NON-SACRIFICIAL SLAB?
ROSE: I have an unaligned, neutral base for a Sacrificial Slab.
KANAYA: You Know You Really Do Seemingly Randomly Alternate Between Using Sburb Terminology As Proper Nouns And Using Them As Improper Casual Nouns
ROSE: You can hear that?
KARKAT: TROLL LANGUAGE HAS SO MANY LINGUISTIC CHARACTERISTICS YOUR SIMPLE HUMAN MIND WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO COMPREHEND. WE CAN PERCEIVE *SO* MUCH MORE THAN YOUR UNCULTURED ROUND EARS COULD EVER DREAM OF.
KANAYA: No Its Not Related To Your Sense Of Superiority Over Being Able To Hear What Humans Perceive As Subsonic Clicks Shes Just Putting A Very Particular Emphasis On Sburb Terminology But Only Sometimes

The alchemiter creates two punched cards: one for the Space sacrificial slab and one for the None Slab With Left Time.

ROSE: Now, if I can overlay these cards to extract the punch pattern for either just the base slab, or just the Time aspect, I’ll be able to further modify them to find the base code for a sacrificial slab-
KANAYA: (See Look Shes Back To Saying It As Basic Edition Uncapitalized Nouns)
ROSE: Which then, if I’m able to find the alchemical essence of Blood or Mind, I’ll be able to combine that with the non-denominational slab base to create a true, fully-alchemized Blood or Mind sacrificial slab!
ROSE: We may be finally nearing the conclusion of our alchemy quest.

Chapter Text

There is a new addition to Rose’s beloved conspiracy wall. It’s actually two walls now since her theorycrafting has failed to cease in its ever-increasing momentum or otherwise lessen in volume whatsoever but describing it as the conspiracy walls doesn’t have the same ring anymore.

A dummy card (which is somehow completely separate and distinct from a ghost image) is pinned to the wall with a Space sticker. The card itself contains an image of the Time symbol with various punch holes printed over it, the entire card a non-functional black-and-white.

Rose smacks at the wall with one of her Quills.

ROSE: So here we are.
DAVE: i do see that we are here but like
DAVE: why
VRISKA: I was lured here with promises of important game developments, and I’ve got high expect8ions.
KANAYA: Yes That Is Generally What The Point Of A Strategy Meeting Is
DAVE: wait if this is the weekly strategy meeting who brought snacks
VRISKA: Wasn’t my turn!
DAVE: there are turns for snack duty
VRISKA: Yeah, there’s a whole spreadsheet. We’re actually organized as shit a8out this specifically 8ecause apparently everyone cares more about snacks than oh, I don’t know, our continued survival!
KANAYA: I Mean Snacks Are Also A Vital Part Of Continued Survival
KANAYA: I Understand Where Youre Coming From But Snacks Are In Fact Vital
DAVE: theres a spreadsheet what
DAVE: why arent i on it i bring the best snacks
KANAYA: Hmm Do You Recall The Last Time You Were Given Spreadsheet Access
KANAYA: Because I Most Certainly Do
KANAYA: You Turned It Into A Sweet Bro And Hella Jeff Comic
KANAYA: Rendering It Completely Unusable For Its Designated Purpose And Deeply Upsetting To The Rest Of Us
DAVE: youre dissing sweet bro and hella jeff the moviy the excel spreadsheet?
DAVE: cold
DAVE: but wheres karkat and terezi then
DAVE: what kind of sorry excuse for a weekly strategy meeting is this
DAVE: no snacks missing two trolls
DAVE: what next we actually get something productive done
ROSE: Well, that’s reserved for tomorrow night’s meeting.
KANAYA: Rose Are You Going Over Your Allotted Scheduling For Weekly Team Meetings
KANAYA: Carelessly Monopolizing Our Very Valuable Time And Squandering Our Chances Of Doing More Useful Things
VRISKA: I’m not gonna lie, I don’t really like this either, who the fuck likes listening to Lalonde? 8ut this will technically fulfill your weekly strategy meeting requirement.
ROSE: And yet, you in specific still show up despite my explicit lack of requesting your presence.
DAVE: you know that everyones still gonna show up tomorrow regardless
DAVE: was your plan to split this into more manageable groups
KANAYA: Absolutely No Combination Of Meteor Inhabitants Could Ever Be Described As Manageable
ROSE: You’re certainly right about that.

Rose pulls a newly-alchemized blackboard from its card and proceeds to divide it into twelve roughly-even rectangles. From here, she draws a reasonably passable symbol of each of the twelve aspects into their respective boxes. The symbols are even more accurate than usual – one might be able to guess that she did some metagame digging to figure out what they actually looked like for once.

Under the oddly-pronged gear representing Time, she writes “Timetables” and “Caledscratch”. For Light (the only completely correctly rendered symbol), she adds on “Transparent Magic 8 Ball”. Space gets the “Scarlet Ribbitar” and then simply the statement “frogs?”. Every other area on the grid remains blank.

DAVE: if karkat were here hed be getting all sorts of troll boners from your glorious lattice of straight lines and right angles and otherwise interlocking polygons
ROSE: These items have notable aspect charges. Utilizing our combined, stunningly lukewarm, and overall quite underwhelming brainpower, we are going to fill out this chart as much as possible.
KANAYA: Acceptable But Why
ROSE: I have already separated the alchemical building block of Time from the None Slab with Left Time.
DAVE: the
DAVE: the none slab with left time
ROSE: Yes.
DAVE: (none slab with left time)
ROSE: If I’m able to separate the pure alchemical concept of Blood and Mind, I’ll be able to create the two sacrificial slabs we need.
ROSE: The problem now is determining what objects I need in order to force the pure alchemical concepts into the open. What represents Mind and Blood?
DAVE: so were classpecting shit to try and get the mind and blood essence
ROSE: Correct.
DAVE: this may be an obvious question but uhhh
DAVE: if were focusing on mind and blood why the fuck are the mind and blood players absent
KANAYA: I Think That For Once Dave Presents A Very Valuable Point
ROSE: They’re irrelevant.
ROSE: Mind is about decisions and knowing things-
DAVE: isnt knowing things the seer part of her title
DAVE: like thats a pretty important overlap between you two
ROSE: Blood, however, is more mysterious. It’s the opposite of Breath, that we know for certain, but what does that mean in a more intuitive sense?
VRISKA: 8lood is a stupid aspect for weenie losers pretending to 8e leaders, o8viously.
ROSE: Breath is about, well, hurricanes and tornadoes and such in a more elemental sense, which would suggest that Blood’s elemental ties are related to earth and more physically grounded concepts.

After seeing her comment ignored, Vriska decides to make additions to the blackboard to ensure her input is acknowledged and validated. The Blood category now has “for weenie losers” under its heading. Another moment of consideration later, Light gets the comment “8est aspect!!!!!!!!”

Rose is pacing around deep in thought, gesturing enthusiastically with her weaponry while completely oblivious to Vriska’s blackboard vandalizations.

ROSE: Breath’s elemental manifestation is wind and is offensively used to tear things apart. Hurricanes and tornadoes, massive forces of destruction, et cetera.
DAVE: so whats blood
DAVE: like superglue
DAVE: karkat vantas knight of glue
ROSE: We didn’t have a Blood player in our session, and I don’t foresee the scratched Sburb session having one either. So consequently, the only examples of Blood players we have are the entire Vantas family line.
DAVE: so i can argue that talking too much is a blood player trait and no one can refute it is what im hearing
KANAYA: Frankly By Virtue Of Observing The Surviving Players I Do Think We Can Safely Say That Talking Too Much May Simply Be A Sburb Player Trait
VRISKA: (talks... too... much...)
ROSE: Vriska, what are you-
ROSE: HEY STOP THAT!

The blue chalk in Vriska’s hand squeaks to a halt as she glances up to see that Rose has launched herself towards the board in a defensive move. Vriska remains frozen in shock for a moment before materializing her god tier robes and shooting towards the ceiling with a flap of her wings (and casting a scattering of glitter towards the floor).

This obviously does very little to deter Rose, who, upon seeing Vriska tense the moment before she acts, is able to use the forewarning to plant her own foot decisively on the ground and launch off into the air. The Quill that she had been using as a pointer for dramatically smacking the board with is conveniently already in her grasp, which she uses to send a spark of blue light towards Vriska. As Rose’s attack fires off, Vriska’s dice are (purposefully?) scattered downwards, creating a floor hazard similar to that of stepping on Legos.

This summons exactly one piece of candy corn in a stunningly ineffective counterstrike.

Kanaya pointedly shuffles away from the area of effect.

KANAYA: Just Because You Are Conditionally Immortal Does Not Meant That This Is In Any Way Acceptable

No one engaged in the conflict responds. Dave can be seen by the blackboard, writing down an extensive list of timekeeping objects. It has spilled over into Space’s section on the grid.

DAVE: hey kanaya did trolls have sundials
KANAYA: No
DAVE: damn
DAVE: wait did yall have moondials or something like that instead
KANAYA: Closer But No
KANAYA: The Presence Of Two Moons With Separate Lunar Cycles Made Timekeeping Via Moonlight A Very Futile Effort
DAVE: hm
DAVE: do you have any insights for the space category
KANAYA: Well Yes But That Would Be Very Difficult To Include Given That-

In lieu of finishing her sentence, she instead glances at the Space section of the grid, which is mostly occupied by spillover from the Time section such as “watches” and “hourglass” and “quartz?”.

DAVE: ah shit i fucked up roses board
KANAYA: Somehow I Do Not Think Shes Too Concerned With Your Contributions At The Current Moment

Overhead, the Light players are still deep in combat. Vriska has managed to summon a pair of fluorite needles via an unlucky dice roll (she’s not particularly pleased by this development) and is firing off half-formed elemental manifestations of Light. Rose still only has the single Quill but doesn’t seem too hampered by it, darting out of the way of almost every blast Vriska manages to successfully point her way and occasionally firing back a blast of blue, non-aspect associated energy.

KANAYA: It Is Quite The Lightshow I Will Give Them That
DAVE: my poor eyes are never gonna be the same
DAVE: theyre gonna evaporate from their sockets like an egg left to fry to oblivion on the scorching hot texas sidewalk
DAVE: burned out like-
DAVE: oh wait is that actually what happened to terezi
DAVE: hang on am i being insensitive
KANAYA: Is That Not Your Default Setting
DAVE: damn
DAVE: yeah i guess youre right but you still shouldnt say it
KANAYA: Do You Think They Are Going To Return Soon Or Should We Just Write This Team Meeting Off As A Completely Pointless Waste Of Time As Usual
DAVE: shit no im not waiting for them
DAVE: all up there like moths buzzing around the-
DAVE: ah fuck there goes a ceiling light
DAVE: moths arent usually that fuckin dangerous
DAVE: but REGARDLESS OF LIGHT PLAYERS BEING DUMB ABOUT POINTLESS SHIT AS ALWAYS

(This is shouted upwards to the ceiling. The Light players choose to not acknowledge Dave’s comment.)

DAVE: i think we got this
DAVE: what do you know about blood
KANAYA: It Tastes Good
DAVE: try again
KANAYA: Despite Claiming He Had No Mastery Whatsoever Over His Aspect I Do Believe Karkat Is Actually An Averagely Competent Blood Player
KANAYA: Your Comment About Knight Of Glue Isnt Too Far Off From Correct I Think
KANAYA: It Was Either Blood Powers Or Sheer Force Of Abrasive Personality Via The Memos Keeping Twelve Players Of A Deeply Violent Species Working At What I Can Only Assume To Be Somewhat Above Baseline Group Competency For Troll Cooperation Attempts
KANAYA: And Honestly I Give The Memos No Credit Whatsoever
DAVE: oh shit youve actually got this figured out
DAVE: the last time i asked karkat what blood was about he threw his fronds into the air and yelled something about leadership and how hard life is and how no one understands
DAVE: and also being good at fighting and then stormed off
DAVE: tbh i was kind of worried i made him cry over it
KANAYA: Oh Make No Mistakes You Very Well May Have
KANAYA: Hes Sensitive
KANAYA: But That Is A Notably Positive Trait
DAVE: sure
KANAYA: You Are Plenty Aware Of Jack Noir And His Archetype Within Sburban Lore
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: bad dog worst enemy
DAVE: etc
KANAYA: Our Version Was Not Quite So Canine Persuaded Nor Did He Obtain The Queens Ring
KANAYA: In Fact In Our Session He Was Somewhat Of An Ally
DAVE: what
DAVE: no that guys whole thing is stabbing people and making them dead
KANAYA: He Also Did That
KANAYA: Quite A Lot In Fact
KANAYA: But Karkat Is Also Blessed With A Truly Unusual Amount Of Blood
KANAYA: Again I Think Thats A Subtle Aspect Perk Or Maybe Blood Mutants Are Just Like That
KANAYA: Unusually Full Of Blood Like Some Troll Shaped Fruit Gusher
DAVE: yall had fruit gushers too?
DAVE: its like were the same species holy shit
KANAYA: But Through What I Suspect To Be Unconscious Utilization Of His Knight Of Blood Abilities
KANAYA: Karkat Was Able To Pacify Noirs Nature And Force Him Into A Productive Position On Our Team Through Operation Regisurp
DAVE: well god damn
DAVE: couldve used something like that in our session
DAVE: so bloods got some pacifying abilities and or the ability to brute force teamwork huh
DAVE: opposite of breath which tbh seems to be a little bit of a flying by the seat of your pants plans what plans kind of aspect
DAVE: but both apparently make for good leaders
DAVE: wait hang on
DAVE: oh i think ive got the hang of exactly what blood means now holy shit
KANAYA: Really
KANAYA: Do You Care To Enlighten Us
DAVE: aw hell no im withholding this info right up until the funniest possible moment to reveal it
KANAYA: Ah Yes I See We Are All Coping In Different Ways

Chapter Text

ROSE: Mind,

She smacks the blackboard with a Quill. It has not been modified since yesterday’s meeting and still contains Dave’s excessive list of Time-related objects. Blood and Mind’s squares remain completely blank (save for Vriska’s “for weenie losers” comment).

ROSE: is about decisions. It’s about the possibilities that could unfold from any single action, about the choices we can and cannot make.
TEREZI: WHY DO 1 H4V3 TO B3 H3R3 1F YOU 4LL3G3DLY 4LR34DY KNOW 3V3RYTH1NG 4BOUT *MY* 4SP3CT
ROSE: I do need confirmation that my ideas are correct, you know. We can’t all be like *some* people on this meteor, convinced they’re Skaia’s greatest gift to paradox space.
TEREZI: 1 SM3LL TH4T 1’M OUT OF TH3 LOOP ON SOM3TH1NG G1V3N TH4T BOTH YOU 4ND S3RK3T 4R3 P4R4D1NG 4ROUND P4RT1CUL4RLY BRU1S3D 3GOS TOD4Y, BUT FR4NKLY 1 R4TH3R 3NJOY TH3 SC3NT OF OV3RR1P3 BLU3B3RR13S 4ND SUN-B4K3D C4NT4LOUP3 SO YOU G3T 4 P4SS
KARKAT: WHY HAVE I BEEN TORTUROUSLY FORCED TO ATTEND BULLSHIT “STRATEGY MEETINGS” WITH THE FUCKING ALL-KNOWING SMUG MORON DUO AND THEIR SOON-TO-BE-IDENTICAL GAME ASSIGNED MORON ROBES? REALLY, I MAY BE THE WORST TROLL IN PARADOX SPACE (STILL UP FOR DEBATE!) BUT I STILL DON’T THINK EVEN *I* DESERVE THE SUFFERING THAT IS SEER HOURS.
ROSE: You know, if we waited for the upcoming dream bubble passing, I’m sure we could find a way to include your all-time favorite Seer in this event. You’d just love including your fellow Blood player into this discussion, right?
KARKAT: WOW, NEVER MIND! SUDDENLY I’M SO GODDAMN ENTHUSED FOR SEER HOURS, THERE’S EXCITEMENT FLUID LEAKING FROM MY SHAME GLAND IN AN UNPRECEDENTED SHOW OF HIDEOUSLY INCORRECT BIOLOGY! THAT’S JUST HOW EXCITED I AM FOR THIS!!!
ROSE: See, it could always be worse.
TEREZI: R34LLY THOUGH, WH3R3’S TH3 R3ST OF TH3 T34M?
ROSE: The rest of the team is excused because they actually showed up at yesterday’s meeting. Though I’m certain that won’t keep them away for too long, you know how everyone is about needing attention near-constantly.
ROSE: However, it was you two in specific that I wanted to pick the brains of.
KARKAT: COULD YOU COME UP WITH A LESS OMINOUS WAY TO PUT THAT?
ROSE: Oh, of course! It is you two in specific that I want to extract information from, possibly through use of an icepick in the outdated human practice of a lobotomy. Trolls have that as well, right? Need I explain further?
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW WHY I ASK FOR ANYTHING FROM YOU. COULD YOU PUT THAT IN A LESS OMINOUS WAY, I POLITELY REQUEST? AND YOU CHOOSE TO SCORN MY REQUEST BY INSTEAD DESCRIBING BARBARIC HUMAN INTERROGATION PRACTICES!
ROSE: A lobotomy is actually a form of surgery intended for mental health improvement in humans.
KARKAT: THAT’S SIGNIFICANTLY WORSE THEN! YOU SEE HOW THAT’S WORSE, RIGHT?
ROSE: Yes.
TEREZI: W3LL G3T OV3R H3R3 W1TH YOUR 1C3P1CK 4ND ST4RT M1N1NG FOR 1NFORM4T1ON NUGG3TS 1N OUR P4NS, 1 DO H4V3 OTH3R PL4NS FOR TON1GHT
ROSE: Karkat. Tell me about Blood as an aspect.

At this, Karkat genuinely considers sitting down on the ground and throwing a full-blown temper tantrum.

KARKAT: OH GREAT, HERE WE GO! NOW I SEE THAT IT’S TIME FOR YOU TO ASK ME LEADING QUESTIONS ABOUT MY ASPECT THAT I *NOTABLY NEVER FUCKING UNDERSTOOD* AND FOR YOU TO GLEEFULLY TELL ME I’M WRONG AND A ROT-PANNED MAGGOT OF ONLY THE SLIMIEST VARIETY FOR EVER ASSUMING A SINGLE FACT ABOUT MY OWN ASPECT.
KARKAT: WHAT CAN I TELL YOU ABOUT BLOOD? ACTUALLY, HOW ABOUT NO! NO, WHAT CAN *YOU* TELL *ME* ABOUT BLOOD? GOD KNOWS YOU CAN’T WAIT TO TELL ME HOW I’M WRONG.
KARKAT: DOES IT EVEN MATTER WHAT I SAY IF YOU’RE JUST GOING TO “WELL, ACTUALLY” ME THE MOMENT YOU REGISTER THAT I’VE STOPPED SPEWING NOISES FROM MY WRETCHED SCREAM THREADS DEEP WITHIN MY WINDHOLE, TAKING IT AS AN OPPORTUNITY TO MOVE THE CONVERSATION RIGHT INTO “LET’S LISTEN TO SEERS TALK!” TIME?
TEREZI: R34LLY CUTT1NG TO TH3 CH4S3 ON TH1S ON3 HUH? YOU SUR3 YOU DON’T W4NN4 Y3LL 4BOUT L34D3RSH1P OR HOW 1T’S 4 TH1NLY V31L3D J4B 4T YOUR D3L1C1OUS C4NDY 4PPL3 R3D BLOOD?
ROSE: I’m *so* glad you’re ready to listen. After some extensive workshopping and studying aspect theory, I’ve come to my final conclusions about how to interpret Blood and what it really means, and, most importantly, how we’re going to extract the essence of Blood for the slab.
TEREZI: W3’R3 GO1NG TO DR41N 3V3RY L4ST DROP OF YOUR BLOOD 4ND US3 1T 4S 4N 4LCH3M1C4L BU1LD1NG BLOCK H3H3H3
KARKAT: WHAT???
ROSE: Hey no, shut up! I’m the one monologuing here.
TEREZI: HMPH L4M3
ROSE: Blood is-

With absolutely perfect timing, Dave zaps into the room via transportalizer. Rose freezes mid-sentence, staring at him as he makes his way directly to her blackboard and decaptchalogues a piece of red chalk (complete with distinct teeth marks on one end). With a flourish, he quickly writes four words in the Blood section, flashstepping away to land comfortably on a Space-themed beanbag chair.

DAVE: boom
ROSE: I-
ROSE: The power of-
ROSE: FUCK!
ROSE: You’re... completely correct.

Rose groans, walking over to the beanbag chair corner (after Terezi discovered she had a taste for the beans residing within them, more and more have been appearing) and dramatically flopping down onto a scalemate shaped one.

ROSE: I had a whole explanation planned, you know.
DAVE: yeah
ROSE: You chose the exact moment that I was about to launch into my explanation of what exactly Blood entails and how we’re going to extract the essence from it.
DAVE: yep
ROSE: You come in here, specifically to interrupt me and instead deliver a significantly more succinct explanation. Four words!
DAVE: you know i had to do it to em
KARKAT: OKAY, SO AS USUAL, I SENSE THAT I’M MISSING SOME PRETTY IMPORTANT CULTURAL CONTEXT HERE. YOU KNOW, WHENEVER *I’M* YELLING INFORMATIVELY ABOUT SOMETHING, *I* OFFER SUFFICIENT EXPLANATIONS TO ACCOUNT FOR THE CULTURAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN OUR TWO EQUALLY-DYSFUNCTIONAL IN OPPOSITE WAYS SOCIETIES.
KARKAT: AND THEN YOU TWO SHITSTAINS, THE GODS THAT PARADOX SPACE SO KINDLY BLESSED OUR EVER-SUFFERING MORTAL PRESENCE WITH, COME IN HERE AND START TALKING ABOUT “THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP” WHICH, FIRST OF ALL, WHAT THE FUCK?
ROSE: The power of friendship. A longstanding literary trope in which the protagonists defeat the villain or otherwise overcome the conflict of the story through the power of friendship and not much else.
ROSE: This is considered a hallmark of children’s media because it teaches that relying on your friends to overcome challenges is a good and respected method of problem-solving and it even carries over into more mature sources because really, who doesn’t desire a close-knit group of friends who will help you solve any problem and complete any quest?
TEREZI: TH1S 1S SOUND1NG 4 LOT L1K3 MOR3 PO1NTL3SS H1V3 M4MM4L PROP4G4ND4
DAVE: wow imagine hive mammal propaganda involves content such as relying on your
DAVE: you guessed it
DAVE: hive
DAVE: its almost as if humanity is a social species that encourages socialization and cooperation
DAVE: mostly
DAVE: aside from bro who didnt see the value in things like
DAVE: public schools
DAVE: or social security numbers
DAVE: ahaha totally normal human things
KARKAT: THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP. THIS IS THE OVERARCHING MAJOR TROPE IN A THE VAST MAJORITY OF YOUR MEDIA? THAT’S...
KARKAT: OKAY I’M NOT GOING TO LIE, WHILE THE HUMAN EMOTION CALLED FRIENDSHIP IS A HOT LOAD OF STEAMING MUSCLEBEASTSHIT, THE WHOLE CONCEPT OF IT IS A LITTLE TOUCHING.
TEREZI: 4ND TH4T’S WHY YOU’R3 TH3 BLOOD PL4Y3R OF OUR S3SS1ON
ROSE: Blood is about the utilization of relationships and teamwork. So yeah, Dave is right! It is an aspect defined by the power of friendship.
ROSE: I’m also quite certain Dave has a suitable choice for extracting the necessary information to create a dummy card for Blood, so I’m quite satisfied to leave him to that.
DAVE: (fuck)
ROSE: I suppose we now move onto Mind. Any brilliant insights into this aspect?
ROSE: No?
TEREZI: OH 1 H4V3 PL3NTY OF 1NS1GHTS 1’M JUST CHOOS1NG NOT TO SH4R3 TH3M
ROSE: Lovely.
ROSE: As I was saying: Mind is about decisions and the actions that shape a timeline. How this plays against its opposite aspect, I’m still working on, but I’m sure that will be made abundantly clear once we pass into the new session which contains not only a Heart player, but a Heart player who is also a Strider.
DAVE: wait hes a heart player
DAVE: hang on i was gonna say something like damn heart sounds like an aspect for pussies
DAVE: but im now recalling the plethora of nepetas ive met and actually that tracks i guess
DAVE: maybe heart as an aspect name is just kinda lame and nonreflective of its badass levels
TEREZI: TH3 WHOL3 4CT1ONS SH4P1NG TH3 T1M3L1N3 TH1NG 1S TH3 CL4SS’S SW4Y ON M1ND, NOT 4N 1NH3R3NT TR41T OF TH3 4SP3CT
TEREZI: TH3R3’S 4CTU4LLY 4 TON OF OTH3R M1ND STUFF 1 DON’T 3V3N D1P 1NTO
TEREZI: WHO N33DS L1GHTN1NG WH3N YOU C4N JUST PR3D1CT TH3 FLOW OF COMB4T 4ND POS1T1ON YOURS3LF 1N TH3 P3RF3CT W4Y?
DAVE: what why did you never tell me you can summon lightning thats bitchin
KARKAT: YEAH, I DIDN’T KNOW SHIT ABOUT THE LIGHTNING THING EITHER. YOU CAN REALLY DO THAT? I CAN THINK OF A WHOLE HOST OF SITUATIONS WHERE LIGHTNING IS A HELL OF A LOT MORE USEFUL THAN A BLIND GIRL WITH A SWORD.
KARKAT: YOU COULD HAVE BEEN RANGED SUPPORT. GOD KNOWS WE WERE LACKING IN PROPER RANGED SUPPORT! I MEAN, WE DID HAVE ERIDAN BUT IDEALLY WE SHOULDN’T HAVE BEEN RELYING ON HIM FOR ANYTHING MORE THAN THE MOST RELIABLE WHINING ON THIS SIDE OF PARADOX SPACE, BUT NO! AHAB’S CROSSHAIRS – SIDE NOTE, WHO THE ACTUAL HELL IS AHAB?
DAVE: dude who hunted a whale
KARKAT: SO THIS AHAB FUCKER IS FROM *YOUR* CULTURE? HOW DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE?
ROSE: Fate ripples across Paradox Space and all the universes it contains in unusual ways.
KARKAT: I NOW HAVE MORE QUESTIONS THAN I HAVE ANSWERS! WHICH IS HONESTLY THE USUAL PROBLEM WITH TALKING TO YOU.
KARKAT: BUT REALLY, LIGHTNING WOULD HAVE BEEN SO HELPFUL IN OUR OVERPOPULATED, UNCOORDINATED, AND PAINFULLY UNRULY FIGHTS. THERE ARE SO MANY INSTANCES I CAN COME UP WITH WHERE IT WOULD HAVE BEEN INFINITELY MORE HELPFUL THAN HAVING YET ANOTHER CLOSE-RANGE FIGHTER.
KARKAT: SURE, WE ALSO HAD THE PSIONICS FOR RANGED COMBAT BUT THEY WERE JUST DANGEROUS TO BE NEAR DUE TO FRIENDLY FIRE.
KARKAT: AND NOTHING ERIDAN DID COULD BE CONSIDERED REMOTELY FUCKING FRIENDLY WHATSOEVER, BEING EVEN WITHIN AN IMPERIAL YARD OF HIS SUSTAINED FIRE WAS A NOTED HAZARD TO ALL BARELY-SENTIENT WORMS OF LIFEFORMS OUR SESSION WAS COMPOSED OF.
KARKAT: FRIENDLY FIRE IS A REALLY BIG PROBLEM WHEN EVERYONE IS DETERMINED TO MAKE THEIR DAMAGE PER PRECISE FUCKING MILLISECOND GO AS HIGH AS MECHANICALLY POSSIBLE AND THEY DON’T GIVE AN EMPRESS’S GHOST OF A DAMN ABOUT WHO IN PARTICULAR GETS THEIR HEALTH VIAL ABSOLUTELY DECIMATED BY SAID “FRIENDLY” FIRE.
KARKAT: THIS WAS ONLY EXACERBATED BY THE SHEER VOLUME OF CLOSE-RANGE FIGHTERS WE HAD!
DAVE: (dude dont you use sickles)
KARKAT: WE HAD TERRIBLE PARTY COMPOSITION!
TEREZI: UGHHHH TH1S 1S WHY 1 D1DN’T M3NT1ON 1T
TEREZI: OH T3R3Z1, WHY DON’T YOU JUST US3 L1GHTN1NG 4LL TH3 T1M3? WHY DON’T YOU JUST CHOOS3 TH3 MOST D1FF1CULT F4C3T OF YOUR 4SP3CT 4S YOUR D3F4ULT M3THOD OF 4TT4CK WH3N YOUR CL4SS SP3C1F1C4LLY DO3SN’T 3NCOUR4G3 TH4T? G33 1 DON’T KNOW
TEREZI: TH3 ROL3 OF 4 S33R 1S NOT TO D1R3CTLY UT1L1Z3 TH31R 4SP3CT FOR FL4SHY F34TS OF COMB4T
TEREZI: SUR3, 1T C4N B3 US3D L1K3 TH4T 4ND 1 H4V3 OFT3N UT1L1Z3D 1T *1N* COMB4T, BUT NOT W1TH D1R3CT 3L3M3NT4L M4N1F3ST4T1ONS
TEREZI: 1T DO3SN’T L1K3 TH4T
KARKAT: BULLSHIT. I’VE SEEN LALONDE FIGHT, SHE’S NOTHING *BUT* AN EYESORE OF BRIGHT ORANGE AND BLINDING BEAMS OF LIGHT. SERIOUSLY, STOP POINTING THAT ABSOLUTE GARBAGE NEAR EVERYONE ELSE’S GANDER BULBS, SOME OF US *VALUE* THE ABILITY TO WITNESS THE FUCKWIT NONSENSE GOING ON AT ALL TIMES. OR AT LEAST PREFER IT TO THE ALTERNATIVE SITUATION OF *NOT* SEEING THE ABSOLUTE FUCKWAFFLE HORSESHIT NONSENSE THAT’S HAPPENING LITERALLY CONSTANTLY.
TEREZI: Y34H TH4T’S NOT L1GHT
KARKAT: SO YOU’RE TELLING ME, RIGHT TO MY EVER-TORTURED HEAR DUCTS AND MY POINTED LOOK OF SHEER DISBELIEF, THAT THE BRIGHT LIGHT SHE’S CONSTANTLY WIELDING ISN’T “LIGHT”?
KARKAT: IN WHAT TWISTED CORNER OF PARADOX SPACE DOES THAT MAKE ANY LICK OF SENSE WHATSOEVER?
ROSE: She’s right, actually.

Rather than dignifying this with a proper response, Karkat simply lets a long-suffering and garbled shout of pure frustration loose as he faceplants onto a currently-unused beanbag chair.

ROSE: Even with aspects that would lead themselves easily to being manifested for combat, the mechanics of the Seer class don’t lend themselves easily to it. Sure, I can do it, but it’s far from an efficient use of my skill.

As way of demonstration, Rose sits up properly in her beanbag chair, pulls her hood up (a vital step of all aspect-related shenanigans), and begins to focus on the very concept of Light.

The metaphorical idea of shining light onto a situation plays nicely with Light’s domain. Revealing the unseen through application of an aspect plays nicely with the concept of being a Seer. Through her hood, Rose’s eyes glow a soft gold as she manifests a ball of glowing Light in one hand – notably different from the ball of glowing light she easily conjures above her other hand with a quick finger snap with one needle balanced in the hand to act as a focus.

Karkat stares, uncomprehendingly, at what looks like two identical glowing balls of light. This reveals nothing to him but a growing potential for a severe pan-ache the longer he marvels at the glowing bullshit.

He takes this as his cue to leave the discussion via transportalizer. Dave follows behind a few seconds later, presumably sensing that his work here is done. The Seers remain.

TEREZI: TH4T’S 3NOUGH OF YOUR FL4SHY HORS3SH1T, 1 TH1NK
TEREZI: 1T’S BR1GHT 3NOUGH 1N H3R3 1 C4N’T H34R MYS3LF TH1NK
ROSE: Honestly, I think the less I question what you’re perceiving the less unsettled I’ll be, so I will in fact put away the flashy horseshit.

Rose dismisses both constructs – the non-aspect associated magic with a simple flick of her wrist, and the Light with a conscious nudge to her aspect and the depleting of a meter somewhere deep within her player stats menu.

ROSE: Look, we both know how we feel about directly asking for information and therefore admitting that we, to put it colloquially, don’t know fuckall about the given situation. It’s probably a Seer thing. God knows I’d rather call it that than a character flaw.
ROSE: So here’s the deal: let me understand Mind. I can only see it through my own perspective as another Seer and I just find myself focusing on the similarities in our powers rather than the key differences in our aspects.
TEREZI: 4ND WH4T DO 1 G3T OUT OF 1T?
ROSE: God tier, for fuck’s sake. It’s been the goal all along. You’re well aware of this.
TEREZI: 1’M SUR3 TH4T MY 3XPL4N4T1ONS W1LL ONLY SP33D TH1NGS UP
TEREZI: YOU’D G3T TH3R3 3V3NTU4LLY ON YOUR OWN
ROSE: Since when is the appeal of getting to talk about one of your interests with a captive audience not enough for you?
ROSE: Do you require thoughtful nods and studious expressions from me as you talk? I can provide those, free of charge, just for you. A courtesy from your fellow Seer.
TEREZI: H3H3H3 OK4Y, YOU’R3 R1GHT
TEREZI: TH3 4PP34L DR4WS M3 1N MUCH L1K3 4 FLY TO HON3Y
TEREZI: 4NOTH3R CL4SS FL4W: GL33FULLY 3XPL41N1NG WHY YOU’R3 SO MUCH SM4RT3R TH4N 3V3RYON3 3LS3 1N TH3 BLOCK
TEREZI: S33 HOW 1 C4LL3D 1T 4 FL4W-
ROSE: Yes, I caught that, you’re not afraid to be a flawed individual, I see you holding that over my head. You’ve made it very clear.
TEREZI: M1ND 1S 4BOUT TH3 CHO1C3S W3 M4K3

Rose waits for further explanation. Terezi seems completely content to stand there, looking smug in the way that only Seers can.

ROSE: And?
TEREZI: OH, YOU W4NT MOR3? NOT CONT3NT TO 3XTR4POL4T3 FROM THE BR34DCRUMBS 1’VE PROV1D3D YOU W1TH?
TEREZI: 4S A S33R OF M1ND, 1 1NT3RF4C3 W1TH M1ND THROUGH HOW TH3 CHO1C3S ON3 M4K3S 4FF3CT TH3 OUTCOM3S 4ND POSS1B1L1T13S
ROSE: But it’s not just the choices they make, is it now? It’s that you know the decisions they’re making at all. That’s Mind, correct?
TEREZI: B1NGO
TEREZI: 1’M NOT JUST SCRY1NG TH3 FUTUR3 FOR 4LL TH3 POT3NT14L OPT1ONS OR D3C1S1ONS
TEREZI: WH4T GOOD WOULD TH4T DO M3? TH3Y C4N’T 4LL B3 TRU3 4T ONC3, W3’R3 NOT PL4Y1NG W1TH QU4NTUM PURRB34STS 4ND BOX3S NOW, 4R3 W3?
ROSE: Purrbeasts and...
ROSE: Schrödinger’s cat?
TEREZI: 1F TH4T’S WH4T YOU C4LL 1T
TEREZI: TH3 OUTCOM3S TH4T COULD N3V3R H4PP3N DON’T M4TTER
TEREZI: SOM3 CHO1C3S W1LL N3V3R B3 M4D3
TEREZI: 4ND 1 C4N ONLY WORK W1TH1N TH3 R34LM OF POSS1B1L1T13S TH4T 3V3RYON3’S CHO1C3S 4LLOW
ROSE: Mind isn’t about possibilities at all, is it? That’s just what looking at it from the perspective of a Seer shows.
TEREZI: Y3P
TEREZI: YOU’R3 LOOK1NG FOR 4 W4Y TO 3XTR4CT TH3 SC3NT OF M1ND FROM 3V3RYTH1NG 3LS3 1N 3X1ST3NC3? NOW, WH4T 3LS3 D1D 1 JUST R3C3NTLY PUT YOUR THOUGHTS ONTO? BY M3NT1ON1NG 4 C3RT41N UNC3RT41N OUTCOM3 OF F4T3, YOU’R3 NOW TH1NK1NG ON...
ROSE: Thought experiments.
ROSE: When the answer to the question isn’t what’s important, but rather what the answer tells you about what the answerer believes. Your powers exploit the opposite effect-to-cause relationship, where you have all the answers and have to match the right reasoning to each player in the equation.
ROSE: Where everyone’s choices affect the timeline but you’re the only one with the flowchart and the ability to navigate around the way you know they’ll act in order to bring about your own goals.
ROSE: You know, I think I like my powers a lot more than yours.
TEREZI: 4ND 1 TH1NK YOUR POW3RS, WH1L3 OBJ3CT1V3LY QU1T3 US3FUL, G1V3 YOU TUNN3L V1S1ON 4ND DON’T L3T YOU R34CT TO TW1STS 4ND TURNS 3FF3CT1V3LY 1N TH3 R34L1TY OF TH3 UN3XP3CT3D
TEREZI: 4ND 1 4LSO TH1NK YOU’V3 GOT 4 LOT OF R34D1NG 4BOUT PH1LOSOPHY TO B3 C4TCH1NG UP ON NOW, HUH? GOTT4 F1ND TH4T P3RF3CT 3X4MPL3 OF HOW M1ND WORKS
ROSE: I take it you’re going to say that your work is done now, and leave the rest to me now? How helpful.
TEREZI: YOU T4K3 TH3 WORDS R1GHT OUT OF MY SQU4WK BL1ST3R W1TH SUCH PR3C1S1ON 1 WOND3R 1F YOU’R3 US1NG YOUR POW3RS
TEREZI: H4! GOOD LUCK W1TH YOUR PH1LOSOPH1Z1NG!

Terezi gleefully saunters off, taking only a short detour on her way to the transportalizers to grab a few beans from a beanbag, much like how one would with popcorn. She tosses a few into her mouth as she transportalizes away, leaving a stray bean on the floor as she fails to catch it before the teleportation catches.

Rose stares after her, exhausted from the interaction but already starting to head towards the bookshelves in hopes that they have relevant texts for her intentions.

Chapter Text

Rather than the usual type of alchemy-related shenanigans, this time, Rose is sitting on a beanbag chair curled up with a large textbook in her grip. She looks much like one would expect a high school student begrudgingly studying for once to, as opposed to the reality of a teenage god trying to solve what can’t be the ultimate riddle (that title is already taken) but is certainly up there in terms of riddles.

Kanaya appears via transportalizer, stopping in her tracks as she realizes that Rose isn’t engaged in her usual activities and is instead just reading.

KANAYA: Well This Is Certainly Different
KANAYA: Are We Roleplaying Cloistered Academics Now
KANAYA: Or Are We Actually Indulging In Some Non Game Generated Reading Activities For Once

Rose looks up, the book falling to her lap as she sits up properly in the beanbag chair.

ROSE: Academics certainly is one way to describe the current situation. I am studying, I suppose. Terezi left me with the basic information I need about Mind, but of course not the specifics. That would be too easy, and she wouldn’t get the secondhand enjoyment of watching me read through philosophy textbooks even though I’m *sure* she knows exactly what I’m looking for.
KANAYA: And You Just Conveniently Found The Appropriate Literature Just Waiting For You In The Meteors Bookhive
ROSE: Sort of.
KANAYA: Wow I Feel So Enlightened By Your Elaboration
ROSE: Compiling multiple semi-relevant texts through alchemy created a mostly normal philosophy textbook.
ROSE: Well, normal is a strong word for this, I guess, but it’s still helpful to me.
KANAYA: Well What Are You Perusing Specifically Within The Pages At The Moment
KANAYA: Oh The Twin Earth Experiment
KANAYA: Which I Can Only Assume Is A Parallel To The “Almost Identical But Different In One Crucial Aspect Fake Alternia That Is Meant To Make You Reflect On The Idea That Despite Descriptions Matching Perfectly One Can Not Know If You Truly Mean The Same Thing”
ROSE: You know, I probably should have guessed that even your philosophy would have drawn-out titles like the rest of your media does.
KANAYA: That One Always Seemed Like An Extraneous Concept Given The Fact That Theres Plenty Of Other Similar Theories Floating Around Like Debris In The Collective Understanding Of Philosophy
ROSE: And here I can only assume you’re right, given that I’m not overly familiar with the subject at hand. I was always more prone to reflecting on the human condition through other avenues.
KANAYA: Such As Repeatedly Tormenting Your Hatchmate With Allegations That It Was And I Quote All Dicks All The Time Up In His Head Like Some Hideously Phallic Three Ring Circus Of Freudian Theory Bullshit
KANAYA: And I Remain Certain That If He Had Been Allowed To Continue On This Topic He Would Have Likened The Three Rings Of Said Circus To The Various Levels Of Hell He Has Also Referenced Before With One Of The Levels Being Felt Puppets Specifically
KANAYA: I Am Not Sure If The Puppets Are Literal Or Another Metaphor Though
ROSE: The puppets are both literal and another metaphor, actually.
ROSE: But what I’m more interested in currently is the way that adding game generated texts in seems to have... skewed the contents of the book somewhat.
ROSE: See here – Alternate Archetypes Theory. It’s elaborating on the idea that, despite similar or even identical entities existing within multiple Sburb sessions, despite the fact that you could have identical conversations and interactions with an NPC throughout multiple games, you can never know if they’re actually the same “person” (and I am only using this term because I don’t think we have complex enough language to properly refer to game generated entities) deep down or if they’re a completely different individual.
KANAYA: See I Do Think Youre Right That It Is A Result Of Alchemizing Game Texts Into The Text
KANAYA: Somehow I Doubt Either Of Our Cultures Created That Particular Idea

With the realization that they’re probably going to be at this activity for quite a while, Kanaya shifts a nearby pile of fabrics over to act as an appropriate seating area for the study session.

KANAYA: You Never Did Mention Exactly Why Youre Doing This
KANAYA: You Did Say Terezi Put You Up To It But Frankly Terezi Puts Many People Up To Many Different Things For Many Different Unhelpful Reasons
ROSE: That she certainly does.
ROSE: In order to get the building blocks needed for a Mind sacrificial slab, I need not only a complete understanding of Mind as an aspect, but also something that fully represents the themes and ideas attributed to Mind. Time was easy and in fact mostly unintentional, as Dave’s Timetables are conveniently and unsurprisingly associated with Time. Actually, he was... also the one to get the combination for Blood. Some cartoon that I’m honestly not certain even originated from our timeline. Perhaps it was from the brief brush we had with the elder Strider that poorly transcribed some of his atheneum into our collectively accessible alchemy setup.
KANAYA: Oh Is That How Dave Seems To Have Accumulated Actual Branded SBaHJ Merchandise
KANAYA: I Assumed It Was Just Spawned Directly From His Thinkpan Like Some Ungodly Offspring
ROSE: I try not to think about that subset of items.
ROSE: But the answer I need is somewhere within this book. Or, if not this particular book, I suppose I can try alchemizing an endless array of philosophy-adjacent textbooks.
KANAYA: You Choose To Pin The Continued Life Of One Of Our Valuable Teammates On The Contents Of A Mostly Game Generated Text
ROSE: Do you have a better plan?
KANAYA: No I Just Wanted To Comment

Rose continues flipping through the book, stopping occasionally to skim over a heading. Kanaya, rather than remaining fully engaged in trying to read over Rose’s shoulder, pulls out an embroidery hoop and a tin full of seed beads.

ROSE: Hmm... the Ship of Theseus is related to identity.
KANAYA: That Sounds Like A Fantastically Stupid Name For A Ship
ROSE: It’s not a literal boat.
ROSE: Well, I suppose it might have been, but that’s neither here nor now.
ROSE: Can an object still be fundamentally the same object even if every component of it has been altered...
KANAYA: Yes But Thats Not Helpful To Your Cause I Think
ROSE: It feels like this book is full of nothing but dead ends. Here’s another completely irrelevant game generated one: If entities within the game have been scripted with events and motivations, can they ever move beyond the very core of their code, or is there something intrinsic that allows them to change and grow?
ROSE: Or: which is crueler? The idea that everything within a session is fate and there’s no way to truly change what could happen, or the idea that once the players are involved free will comes into play and that you could have changed things for the better?
KANAYA: I Think The Cruelest Thing Is How Youre Evidently Butchering Complex Ideas In Order To Come To A Quick Conclusion On Whether They Serve Your Purpose Or Not
ROSE: I am paraphrasing. Do you think you would do a better job of finding the correct theory? You’re welcome to take a shot at it.

Kanaya takes the book. As she begins flipping through the pages, a very faint white glow (distinct but not particularly distinguishable from her overall frequently glowing state) appears over her hands.

Space is not an aspect particularly concerned with fortune-scrying and revealing concepts. Most scrying through Space results in detailed knowledge of the locations of objects. However, careful application through the utility-oriented role of Sylph and a decent amount of innate skill can skew this inclination into uncovering a more useful spread of information.

While skimming through the book, her claws catch on a particular page – the precise location of the information needed.

ROSE: Ah. Of course you have scrying capacity. You know, I never did quite understand the particulars of your class.
KANAYA: You Know For A Seer You Use The Wide Variety Of Scrying Abilities Available To You Quite Scarcely

Rose’s expression tightens momentarily as she is reminded of the last result she got from a more general, non-fortune focused scrying attempt through the cue ball.

ROSE: What can I say? I have my specialty and I stick to it.
KANAYA: Utilizing The Wider Capacities Of Ones Role Can Only Help
KANAYA: I Have Quite A Diverse Array Of Abilities To Choose From And Try To Be At Least Barely Adequate At
KANAYA: Now Let Us See What Exactly I Have Uncovered This Time
KANAYA: Oh Philosophical Zombies
ROSE: Hang on. What?
ROSE: “Imaginary creatures designed to illuminate problems about consciousness-“
KANAYA: Wait Hang On What Does It Mean Imaginary
ROSE: Again. What?
ROSE: You had zombies?
KANAYA: Not By Whatever That Name Is No
KANAYA: That Is A Silly Name For Any Creature
KANAYA: But The Gift Of Gab Patch Has Helpfully Provided A Pop Up With Alternate More Culturally Relevant Definitions Tailored To Myself I Think
KANAYA: Really Why Does My Vision Now Include Pop Ups
ROSE: The occasional perks of god tier.
KANAYA: Alternia Had Undead
KANAYA: Quite A Plague Of Them Actually It Was Rather Bad
ROSE: Fascinating.
ROSE: But philosophical zombies are, according to this article that... actually seems to be ripped directly from the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy website?
ROSE: It’s even got the URL in the citations.
KANAYA: Oh Alchemizing Text Just Does Weird Things Like That Sometimes
KANAYA: Something Something Stored Text In Player Wardrobe Data Profiles For Fuck Knows What Absurd Idiotic Reason Coding Is My Passion And Everything Else Is Awful This Is My Sollux Impression
KANAYA: All I Really Understood Is That Some Reading Material From Pre Session Was Stored In Some Weird Place And Can Be Drawn From Somehow When Alchemizing
ROSE: But where did it-
ROSE: Never mind, I’m actually fairly certain that this article must have been in Dave’s cached texts. Which honestly raises a few questions, but a lot fewer questions than I’d normally have about anything related to his internet history.
ROSE: A philosophical zombie is a person who is, to all outside views, completely normal, but they have absolutely no conscious experience or sentience.
KANAYA: Yes That Is Quite Different Than What Counts As A Zombie On Alternia
KANAYA: I Mean They Probably Do Not Have Thoughts Or Other Experiences Either But They Also Rend Flesh From Bone
KANAYA: Thats Like Their Main Thing
ROSE: So, a zombie, at least the ones this textbook is discussing, cannot be distinguished from a normal person whatsoever. There’s no tells, there’s no string to pull to reveal the fakeness, they’re just not real but you can’t tell.
ROSE: I fail to see relevance. Are you sure your scrying worked?
TEREZI: Y3S

Both Rose and Kanaya jump at Terezi’s sudden interjection. Neither of them was aware that Terezi had even entered the room, much less the question of how long she had been eavesdropping. Terezi looks immensely satisfied by this reaction.

KANAYA: And Oh How Certain I Am You Will Not Elaborate On This Confirmation Whatsoever
TEREZI: 4G41N, Y3S
KANAYA: Anyhow The Point Is That A Mind Player Could Tell A So Called Zombie From A Real Person With Absolute Precision
KANAYA: So In Theory A Zombie Is Somehow The Antithesis Of Mind
TEREZI: CLOS3 3NOUGH
ROSE: Okay. Since it’s the exact opposite of Mind, I suppose I can just sort of...

Within the alchemy array, after some fiddling around with the Punch Designix, Rose creates the exact opposite of the concept of a philosophical zombie. Rather than checking any information about it she immediately proceeds to actually alchemizing the mystery item.

It is a large jar with some sort of fluid in it.

ROSE: This... isn’t what I wanted.
KANAYA: What
TEREZI: TH1S 1S
TEREZI: BR1N3D M3LON W4T3R
TEREZI: W41T
ROSE: That shouldn’t have been alchemizable at all. It was meant to, through subtractive alchemy, create the building block card for Mind.
TEREZI: ST1LL T4ST3S GOOD
KANAYA: Why Are You Drinking Unknown Alchemy Liquid
TEREZI: SUBTR4CT1V3 4LCH3MY 1S, 4T B3ST, 4 SHOT 1N TH3 D4RK
TEREZI: YOU M3SS3D UP 4 P3RF3CTLY GOOD COMB1N4T1ON TH4T COULD’V3 Y13LD3D TH3 R3SULT YOU W4NT3D
ROSE: It’s just a jar without a brain now, isn’t it?
TEREZI: Y3P!
TEREZI: UNFORTUN4T3LY FOR YOU, 1T’S 34S13R TO S4Y WH4T 1SN’T M1ND TH4N WH4T 1S
TEREZI: WH1CH L34V3S YOU W1TH 4 L1M1T3D 4MOUNT OF COMB1N4T1ONS TO TRY 4ND 4 LOT OF UND3S1R34BL3 R3SULTS POSS1BL3
TEREZI: 1T’S UNLUCKY, HUH?
KANAYA: Youve Now Said Enough Words Pertaining To Luck And Fortune That I Am Now Dreading A Vriska Event
TEREZI: Y34H TH4T’S WH4T 1’M G3TT1NG 4T
TEREZI: YOU H4V3 W444Y MOR3 POSS1BLE R3SULTS TH4N YOU H4V3 TR13S
TEREZI: TH1S 1SN’T A S1TU4T1ON FOR YOUR SPR34D OF POW3RS 4NYMOR3
ROSE: So you’re telling me that, even if I find the perfect combination to subtract and get Mind from, my reward for that is needing Vriska’s assistance?
KANAYA: Are You Quite Sure This Is Worth It

Nevertheless, Kanaya fires off her scrying skill again and this time stops only one page prior to the now-irrelevant philosophical zombies.

KANAYA: Black Box
TEREZI: 1SN’T TH4T 4 TYP3 OF TH34TR3
KANAYA: No Actually Its Computer Science
ROSE: I remain unconvinced we’re on the right track. Are you sure there aren’t outcomes that don’t end up relying on Vriska?
KANAYA: Black Box Testing Is A Testing Idea Where One Sees The Inputs And Outputs Of A System But Not What The Internal Processes
KANAYA: I Think I Preferred The Zombies Can We Go Back To That Now
TEREZI: NO, 1 DO S33 HOW TH4T T13S B4CK TO M1ND
TEREZI: 1N TH3 3ND, 1 C4NNOT S33 3X4CTLY *WHY* SOM3ON3 M4K3S TH3 CHO1C3S TH3Y DO, ONLY HOW 1T 4FF3CTS 3V3RYTH1NG 4ND WH4T 1T M34NS TO TH3M
ROSE: You’re certainly being more forthcoming than I was expecting.
TEREZI: Y3P, B3C4US3 4S SOON 4S W3’R3 DON3 H3R3, W3 G3T TO GO V1S1T VR1SK4 4ND *YOU* H4V3 TO 4SK FOR H3R H3LP W1TH SOM3TH1NG
TEREZI: 4ND 1 C4N’T W41T TO SM3LL TH4T CL4SH1NG OF 3GOS

Rose groans, settling back into a pile and pondering the oncoming Vriska-related headache she’s bound to end up with soon.

Chapter Text

Through an absolutely tedious combination of the power of friendship, thought experiments, Vriska, and intense struggle against the alchemy system, the completed cards for the Mind and Blood sacrificial slabs finally rest in Rose’s sylladex awaiting distribution.

Rather than decaptchaloguing the slabs with reckless abandon as she did before, she has a very specific location in mind this time.

The slabs are deployed on either side of the Space sacrificial slab (which is still complete with the Space Snuggleplane covering it). This is exclusively for the aesthetic value of having all three slabs in a neat little row and does not serve even a single functional purpose.

With the same smug energy she carried on the first go-round of this activity (as much as “participating in the deaths of your friends” counts as an activity), Rose perches herself on top of the Space Snuggleplane and waits for the rest of the players to file in in a decidedly messy and disorganized fashion. The transportalizer crackles to life to reveal the beginnings of this procession.

KARKAT: WHY THE NOOKFUMBLING SHITSQUAWKING HELL IS LALONDE ALLOWED TO CALL COMPLETELY POINTLESS TEAM MEETINGS THREE NIGHTS THIS WEEK NOW? SOME OF US HAVE SOCIAL LIVES THAT AREN’T INCREASINGLY FILLED WITH ALCHEMY MACHINERY. SOME OF US ENJOY THINGS THAT AREN’T PAN-BLISTERING STORYTIME WITH SEERS AND LIGHT PLAYERS AND OTHER ASSORTED ASSHOLES.
KANAYA: I Appreciate The Inclusion As An Other Assorted Asshole
VRISKA: Can Town doesn’t count as a social life, dum8ass! You’re just fucking around with 8uilding 8locks like wigglers, except worse.
DAVE: hey don’t trash can town its the SHIT
DAVE: youre just jealous cause you got handed a lifetime ban from can town due to your terrible hag-like personality and also kicking the buildings over
TEREZI: SH3’S R1GHT, C4N TOWN 1SN’T 4 SOC14L L1F3
TEREZI: H4V1NG 4 SOC14L L1F3 ON 4 M3T3OR F1LL3D W1TH FOOLS 4ND CLOWNS 1S DOWNR1GHT 1MPOSS1BLE
VRISKA: Sick 8urn!
VRISKA: Terezi-
VRISKA: Hey!
VRISKA: I’m holding my hand up waiting for a high-five.
TEREZI: OH 1’M W3LL 4W4R3
VRISKA: You’re seriously going to leave me hanging? Cold.

Despite their whining, no one has noticed exactly what Rose has procured this time (which is impressive, given the passive “look at me!” aura Light players tend to radiate). She’s quite eager to finally get the ascension process kicked off in a reasonable and intelligently thought-out manner. No more unexpected undead revivals, no surprises, and specifically no more goddamned fucking nonsense.

As Vriska’s dejection from being denied a high-five grows, she turns and now notices Rose, still smug and still perched on the Space Snuggleplane. A bright gleam crosses her eyes as she sees the two new slabs and her fangs briefly show in a quick smile before she refocuses on Rose.

VRISKA: Damn, you finally got the sla8s figured out huh?
ROSE: Observant as ever, Vriska. You were, in fact, there for a good part of the theorycrafting that led me to being able to finish alchemizing them. You were there for creating the building block card of Mind!
VRISKA: Oh yeah, I sure was a lot of help in this process! You never could’ve done it without my 8rilliant input.
KANAYA: You Know While You Did Actually Help In Some Relevant Ways I Would Not Count The Impromptu Combat Session The Two Of You Engaged In For No Reason Whatsoever And Knocked Out Five Ceiling Lights With To Be Brilliant Input In Any Way Shape Or Form
DAVE: eh i think the light blasts might be permanently etched into my shitty corneas after their stupid ass light player duel so maybe that counts as brilliant
DAVE: results may vary
ROSE: Aren’t you excited? After all this, I’ve finally created the slabs and made the upcoming session entry far less risky. There’s even still more than enough time for the two of you to start experimenting with the full extent of what is soon to be your god tier powers and ascending further along your quirkily-named echeladders.
KARKAT: I’M NOT GOING FIRST.
TEREZI: CMON DON’T B3 4 W1GGL3R 4BOUT 4 L1TTL3 T3MPOR4RY D34TH FOR GOD T13R1NG PURPOS3S!
TEREZI: W3’R3 BOTH 1N TH3 S4M3 OC34NF4R1NG V3SS3L H3R3 4FT3R 4LL
KARKAT: I AM NOT BEING A WIGGLER ABOUT IT, I AM BEING A PERFECTLY RATIONAL ADOLESCENT TROLL WHO CONTAINS EVEN THE MOST BASIC, MOST PRIMAL, MOST MOSQUITO-BRAIN INSTINCTS TO STAY ALIVE WHICH YOU *APPARENTLY* LACK.
KARKAT: WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE? OH, IT’S THE LONG-SUFFERING KARKAT VANTAS AND HIS MERRY BAND OF SBURB PLAYERS WITH AN INSCRUTABLE DEATH WISH. TUNE IN FIVE MINUTES FROM NOW WHERE WE JUST START FUCKING MURDERING EACH OTHER FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES BECAUSE WHY WOULD THAT BE A BAD IDEA?
KARKAT: I WOULD RATHER SHOVE A USED TAPEWORM DOWN MY PROTEIN CHUTE THAN WITNESS THIS ANY FURTHER.
DAVE: (used... tapeworm?)
DAVE: (how is it)
DAVE: (used)
KARKAT: I WOULD RATHER COUNT THE GRAINS OF SAND IN THE LAND OF DEW AND GLASS! WHICH IS NOTABLY UNDERWATER AND THEREFORE FATAL TO ME, JUST TO FILL OUR HUMAN INTERLOPERS IN ON THE VERY IMPORTANT CONTEXT.
ROSE: We’re not going to be having any... ahem, messy deaths. No deaths by falling moons, no deaths by shaving cream explosions-
DAVE: damn jade really got the short end of the stick death wise huh
DAVE: out here collecting gruesome deaths like pokemon cards
DAVE: oh you got shot from behind by uninterrupted fully automatic rifle fire?
DAVE: well thats cool but you know whats cooler
DAVE: blue eyes white dragon
DAVE: OWNED
DAVE: or no whats a fraymotif name to bring the sburb flavor into this

Dave stops speaking for a moment to pull up the Sburb menu overlay and navigate into the Fraymotif tab, which takes up a significant amount of his visual field due to the absurd quantity of fraymotifs he managed to obtain throughout the Land of Heat and Clockwork Stock Exchange Incident of 2009.

DAVE: thats cool but you know whats cooler
DAVE: rustless fall
DAVE: OWNED but for a second more real time
ROSE: We already discussed the merits of certain methods of death and settled on decapitation as the quickest and cleanest method. You were there for that, Karkat. You agreed to it.
KARKAT: THERE’S A LOT OF THINGS I WOULD HYPOTHETICALLY AGREE TO. I WOULD HYPOTHETICALLY AGREE TO STARTING AN ENTIRE GODDAMN NONFUNCTIONAL SOCIETY WITH YOU ALL AFTER FINISHING THE GAME, BUT I’M SURE IF WE SOMEHOW MAKE IT THAT FAR IT’S GONNA BE WET BLANKET CENTRAL AS EVERYONE REALIZES THEY’RE FAR FROM QUALIFIED TO BE MEMBERS OF SOCIETY, MUCH LESS PROGENITORS OF IT!
KARKAT: I WOULD HYPOTHETICALLY AGREE TO TRUSTING VRISKA TO KILL ME CLEANLY, EXCEPT, HA, IMAGINE THAT! ACTUALLY, I LITERALLY CANNOT. I CANNOT THINK OF A SINGLE SCENARIO WHERE THAT’S NOT THE WORST POSSIBLE OUTCOME IN ALL OF PARADOX SPACE AND I DREAD THE THOUGHT THAT’S NOW PRESENT IN MY TORMENTED PAN DESPITE MY BEST WISHES OTHERWISE.
VRISKA: Is it even really ascending if you don’t struggle and 8leed out on a sla8 of rock for way too long? This whole painless and quick ascension process is 8ORING!
KARKAT: CASE! IN! FUCKING! POINT!
ROSE: Vriska’s sense of superiority over having bled out for oh, I don’t know, countless hours of what we can only describe as “character building” notwithstanding.
KARKAT: ALSO, WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE ALREADY SETTLED ON DECAPITATION? I REMEMBER *NO* SUCH AGREEMENT.
ROSE: What?
KARKAT: HANG ON.
KARKAT: NO. OH NO. HELL FUCKING NO.
KARKAT: I THINK I’M HAVING A TERRIBLE FLASHBACK TO WHAT YOU SEEM TO HAVE TAKEN AS MY CONSENT FOR PREMEDITATED MURDER, IN THE FIRST FUCKING DEGREE.
KANAYA: Oh Are We Reminiscing On Last Weeks Team Meeting That Quickly Turned Into A Game Of Gruesome But Purely Hypothetical Would You Rather
KARKAT: YES! AND HERE’S A ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR KANAYA, WITH THE KEY WORD OF THE HOUR! HYPOTHETICAL!
KARKAT: IN WHICH, DURING WHAT I ASSUMED TO BE A LIGHTHEARTED GAME NIGHT, I DID, *HYPOTHETICALLY* AGREE THAT I WOULD IN FACT, PREFER TO BE DECAPITATED RATHER THAN STABBED! YOU’RE CORRECT. BUT AGAIN, HERE COMES OUR SUPER IMPORTANT VOCABULARY WORD. *HYPOTHETICALLY*. NEED I SPELL IT OUT?
DAVE: nah
DAVE: i dont like what happens when you start explicitly spelling words letter by letter
DAVE: gets real weird even with the games contrived bullshit of having us speak approximately the same language

Karkat opens his mouth, about to start spelling out the vocabulary word of the hour, letter by slightly alien letter, when Rose suddenly and visibly stiffens in anticipation of an event that hasn’t quite happened yet.

In the split-second she’s been left unmonitored, Vriska has come up with a scheme. Her eyes flash golden with Light as she flashsteps to slightly behind Terezi’s position. She yanks Terezi’s cane away along with her luck, unsheathing the blade in one smooth motion. She grabs Terezi by the shoulder and swings her around so the two are now face to face, the blade gripped tightly in Vriska’s hand.

Dave reacts first, stepping backwards slightly and pulling at his empty strife specibus out of a force of habit rather than true desire to intervene.

Vriska grins wide, twirling the blade just once as Terezi’s eyes widen. The Seer of Mind reads the path of fate and realizes exactly what’s about to happen the moment prior to Vriska plunging the blade directly into her chest.

Terezi staggers from the force of the impact between her thoratic struts and into her bloodpusher, stumbling onto her designated sacrificial slab as Vriska wrenches the blade out with a sickening squelch. She gives what seems to be a last, wheezing breath as she collapses, unresponsive for a silent, horrifying minute.

Everyone stares in stunned horror- right up until the moment Terezi snaps back up into a seated position with a pained wince, pointing a finger and a snarl at Vriska.

TEREZI: H3Y WH4T TH3 *4CTU4L H3LL* W4S TH4T?
VRISKA: Uhhhhhhhh.
TEREZI: YOU FUCK1NG B1TCH!
VRISKA: I was kind of acting under the assumption that you would be dead right now?
TEREZI: 4S SOON 4S 1 4M NO LONG3R 4CT1V3LY BL33D1NG OUT ONTO TH1S ROCK 1 SW34R 1 4M GO1NG TO GR4B YOU BY YOUR T3RR1BL3 SP1D3RB1TCH SHOULD3RS 4ND SH4K3 YOU UNT1L YOU M4N4G3 TO G1V3 M3 4 P4SS4BL3 3XPL4N4T1ON FOR WHY YOU D3C1D3D TO 1GNOR3 OUR PL4NS 4ND 1NST34D MURD3R M3 1N 4 ST4RTL1NG M1RROR TO TH3 4LT3RN4T3 T1M3L1N3 1 *SP3C1F1C4LLY CH4NG3D TO 1NCLUD3 YOU TH1S T1M3 4ROUND*!
KANAYA: Hmm Reintroducing Vriska Into Our Native Timeline May Have Been Your Fatal Error
KARKAT: HOW THE NOOKSLOBBERING FUCK CAN YOU BE SO CALM AT THIS GODDAMN CRIME SCENE OF THE YEAR? TEREZI, YOU ARE ACTIVELY BLEEDING OUT. ARE YOU SOMEHOW NOT AWARE OF THIS STAGGERINGLY OBVIOUS FACT? OH MY GOD, I’M GOING TO BE SICK.

Terezi coughs, shrugging as she wipes sticky teal blood away from her mouth. Vriska’s focus slides to Karkat, who is now shaking slightly and looking a decidedly worrying shade of off-gray.

ROSE: I cannot believe whoever designed the slabs to begin with didn’t decide to include “actively dying” in the activation conditions for ascension.
KANAYA: To Be Fair If We Were Still Within A Normal Playthrough Of A Session She Would Still Be Capable Of Being Revived With A Kiss
ROSE: Even so. It’s a completely bizarre choice, especially given the fact that there doesn't seem to be any loss in lucidity overall.
TEREZI: 1’M R1GHT H3R3 YOU KNOW
TEREZI: ST1LL L1ST3N1NG TO YOU PR4TTLE ON
ROSE: I do see that. You seem quite... aware, given that a two-foot-long blade was just shoved into your heart and rapidly withdrawn again.
TEREZI: QU3ST1ON4BL3 P3RKS OF B31NG CONS1D3R3D 4 H1GHBLOOD BY SOM3 PROP4G4ND4
TEREZI: COLD3R BLOOD, COLD3R V4SCUL4R SYST3M, SURPR1S1NG L1NG3R1NG 3V3N 4FT3R 4 D3F1N1T3LY F4T4L WOUND OCCURS
DAVE: ahaha thats fucking awful oh god
TEREZI: OH NOW YOU’R3 B31NG X3NOPHOB1C
TEREZI: WHO 4R3 YOU TO JUDG3 MY R4P1DLY D3CL1N1NG B1OLOGY?
DAVE: this is so fuckin surreal
DAVE: so heres your primer on human biology of the day
DAVE: when we get stabbed
DAVE: or shot eight billion times by your best friend and her murderous pet hellhound chess piece
DAVE: still not over that particular death
DAVE: we collapse and just die
DAVE: right there
DAVE: you just stop
DAVE: you unalive
DAVE: thats what humans do
ROSE: I can confirm that. I was also stabbed in a fairly identical fashion and I did, in fact, collapse and just die.
TEREZI: L4M3
DAVE: YOURE HAVING A LUCID ASS CONVERSATION WITH ME WHILE YOURE IN THE MIDDLE OF BLEEDING OUT YOU DO NOT GET TO CALL NORMAL HUMAN BIOLOGY LAME WHEN IT WOULD PREVENT THIS EXACT SITUATION ahahaha oh man
DAVE: i think that you should tell your highblood biology to fuck the hell outta dodge and ascend already
TEREZI: 1T’S NOT L1K3 1’M H4NG1NG ON 1NT3NT1ON4LLY R1GHT NOW
TEREZI: 1F 1 H4D 4N 4CTU4L R34SON TO ST4Y 4L1V3 1’M SUR3 1 COULD M4N4G3 1T FOR HOW3V3R LONG 1 N33D3D TO
TEREZI: 1’M 4LSO SUR3 1 WOULD PROC33D TO D13 1N 4 V3RY DR4M4T1C 4ND S4T1SFY1NG M4NN3R
TEREZI: P3RH4PS 1N 4 CH4LK OUTL1N3 TH4T 1 S3R3ND1P1TOUSLY F4LL 1NTO 4FT3R F1N4LLY DY1NG
TEREZI: BUT R1GHT NOW 1’M JUST 4S 34G3R TO D13 4S ON3 COULD B3
ROSE: Do you plan on doing anything about that, or is this team meeting just going to descend into the madness of everyone awkwardly standing around, waiting impatiently for you to finally expire?

Terezi sighs heavily, making approximate eye contact with Rose and pointedly tilting her head in the exact way needed to convey rolling one’s eyes. She flicks her tongue out briefly, much like a snake, tasting the air in order to get a better picture of where her weapon has ended up. Realization smacks her senses and powers in the same moment, giving her a clear vision of what direction the timeline is about to twist in.

TEREZI: OH, SH1T
ROSE: What do you mean, “oh shit”?
KANAYA: I Think The Phrase Oh Shit Could Be Applied To A Multitude Of Factors In Our Current Situation So Elaboration Would In Fact Be Appreciated
TEREZI: YOU’LL S33
DAVE: wait wheres vriska shes been too quiet for too long i don’t trust this
DAVE: hey hang on i dont think i like where this is going-

The key mistake of leaving Vriska unmonitored has occurred once again. Terezi’s blade had never left Vriska’s hands, enabling her to continue in her grand plan of kickstarting the ascension process for everyone.

This time, Karkat, who has been standing in the corner of the room trying not to get sick, is the chosen victim of her schemes.

In another split second, still boosted from the remnants of Terezi’s stolen luck, Vriska is behind Karkat and then, both of them are stood over the Blood sacrificial slab. She forces the blade through his chest from behind before stealing his luck to keep her streak going, tossing her dice down in a fluid motion as Karkat starts to collapse.

Text flashes in the air (Guillotine de la Marquise) as blue light particles manifest into a guillotine, the blade perfectly in line with Karkat’s current position on his hands and knees as he tries to comprehend any of what’s just happened. With a horrifying thud, both the blade and Karkat’s severed head hit the slab. The guillotine immediately dematerializes. The Knight’s corpse, not so much.

TEREZI: SO YOU M4N4G3 TO CL34NLY D3C4P1T4T3 K4RK4T, BUT C4N’T 4FFORD M3 4 QU1CK D34TH? WH4T 1S YOUR FUCK1NG PROBL3M?
VRISKA: I already had a primary weapon for you. It’s not my fault you’re apparently harder to kill than you have any right to 8e!
VRISKA: The only reason I rolled for Karkat was my accumul8ed luck factor. With that much 8uilt up, I had to at least see what roll was gonna pop.
VRISKA: And also, did you wanna hear him yell and scream about me killing him for pro8a8ly eight more hours? Is that your idea of a pleasant soundtrack for your own death?
TEREZI: 1 SUPPOS3 TH4T’S F41R
ROSE: Why is it so difficult for you to not constantly be the center of attention at any given point? We had clearly thought-out plans for how this was going to go, and yet, here we are, drowning in the consequences of your actions as usual.
VRISKA: My way went a hell of a lot faster, you’ve gotta admit to that at least.
KANAYA: You Really Cannot Keep Doing This
VRISKA: I mean, you are correct? I’m kind of out of non-god tier players now, aren’t I?

A low, rattling growl can be heard as Kanaya’s patience for Vriska’s antics (which includes a surprising amount of tolerance for spontaneous murders) wears thinner than usual.

Dave remains firmly mentally checked out of the situation, scrolling through the Tips and Tricks tab in the Sburb overlay and bringing up the catalogued Sburb text of “Advanced Frog Breeding for Beginners: Difficulty Level – EXTREME” as his irrelevant reading material of choice.

TEREZI: C4N 1 4T L34ST H4V3 MY C4N3 B4CK?
VRISKA: Uh. I guess so? I guess I’m done with it for now.

Vriska steps over the Space slab that separates the Blood and Mind slabs, awkwardly handing Terezi her dragon-headed blade back. It’s still covered in a sticky mixture of teal and bright red blood. Vriska briefly considers wiping it off on her pants but decides that even with the robe’s self-laundering properties, it would still be weird and gross.

Without a moment’s hesitation, Terezi grabs it and quickly draws it across her own throat with surprising force, leaving a streak of both her own and Karkat’s candy apple red blood as she collapses more thoroughly onto her own designated Mind slab.

VRISKA: You all saw that that wasn’t my doing, right? You’re not a8out to 8lame me for that one, right?
ROSE: Well, this has certainly been a quite eventful turn of events.
KANAYA: And Such Starts The Countdown To Revival

The trio of remaining, engaged players eye the two occupied slabs with impatience. Dave continues reading his frog breeding guidebook, intentionally oblivious to the surrounding situation.

KANAYA: Who Do You Suppose Will Revive First
ROSE: Karkat-
VRISKA: Terezi-
KANAYA: Oh Here We Go
ROSE: Decapitation is clearly the cleaner method of death. If, theoretically, the gap between the killing blow and the start of the ascension process is the amount of time one would have to revive the dying player with a kiss-
VRISKA: What kind of reality has Karkat revive faster than Terezi-
ROSE: -if they had a living dreamself, then the sheer amount of damage inflicted by complete severing of the head-
VRISKA: Karkat is pathetic! Like for real, holy shit. O8viously Terezi is going to revive faster-
ROSE: -would undoubtedly result in a faster resurrection. Given the idea that the dreamself slowly reflects the wounds of the realself-
VRISKA: -can you even imag8ne living in a session without Terezi? Hah, I laugh a8out her powers all the time 8ut I think she might be the one factor holding our dysfunctional group together-
KANAYA: Youre Both Very Valid Can You Stop Talking Over Each Other For Just A Minute Perhaps
VRISKA: -I cannot even *conceive* of a universe without her in it-
ROSE: -frankly, the fact that the ascension process even seems to have a waiting period to begin with is an incomprehensible aspect of game design within Sburb-
KANAYA: Really I Am Certain They Will Both Revive In Due Time And Your Frantic Rationalization
KANAYA: Both Of The Emotional Variety And The Carefully Logical Variety Chosen To Obscure Your Emotions
KANAYA: Will Do Nothing To Hasten The Process
ROSE: -such that one begins to wonder if Sburb was specifically designed to be as sadistic as possible-
VRISKA: -really gotta hurry it up-
ROSE: -there is no reason whatsoever to have a waiting period before revival where the newly-tiered player would obviously be an asset to whatever ongoing fight they were slain in-
KANAYA: I Am Honestly Not Sure Why I Am Even Trying To Interrupt One Light Player Monologuing Much Less Two At Once

With a sigh, Kanaya delicately settles herself on the ground, discontent with the situation unfolding around her but unable to do anything about it. Her clothing flickers into her Sylph robes in case of imminent explosions or anything else that could put non-indestructible clothing at risk.

VRISKA: -undone without her-
ROSE: Who even designed this stupid fucking game-

In a sudden flash of white light the appropriate symbols appear over both slabs – all the warning that is given for the other occupants of the room to duck and cover before shrapnel flies.

Kanaya is able to quickly dart away with a flap of her wings (and of course, mystical rainbow drinker powers such as “going really fast”). Dave has migrated over to one of the opposite walls of the block while reading and as such is spared the scattering of debris. The two Light players, however, are far too absorbed in their separate rants to notice what’s about to happen in any time to react.

Despite knowing exactly what happened last time, no one had really tidied up the area around the Space slab. Dave had haphazardly kicked the broken tiles into the corner of the room at some point but that hardly counts as cleaning. As such, with the combined force of two ascensions, the fallout is approximately twice as dangerous as last time.

This time, a full floor tile manages to catch Vriska directly in the chest, knocking the breath out of her and knocking her into Rose, who hadn’t managed to move much beyond turning to catch the explosion face-on.

The two hit the floor, rolling a few times before settling in an undignified heap of bright orange fabric and a multitude of shed, glittery scales from Vriska’s wings.

Kanaya glances at the Light players in clear despair before turning away from the overwhelmingly bright area of effect as the visuals of both ascensions play on top of each other.

The glow from the ascension process eventually fades, leaving Dave the first one to react (after he dismisses page seventeen of the frog book from his vision, bookmarked to return to later) to the two new gods.

DAVE: nice cape dude

Due to this comment, Karkat’s first action as a newly-ascended god is twisting around in midair a few times trying to catch a glimpse of his new cape. This doesn’t give him any results other than looking moderately stupid as Dave laughs at him.

Terezi floats down to the floor, teal-green wings settling into a comfortable resting position on her back as she observes the situation before finding exactly what she had been searching for: the pile of Light players on the floor, both still disoriented and starting to bicker.

ROSE: Get your elbow out of-
VRISKA: YOUR stupid hood is the one tangled in my claws anyways-
ROSE: You’re getting glitter EVERYWHERE-
TEREZI: 4LR1GHT
TEREZI: NOW TH4T *TH4T* NONS3NS3 1S OV3R 4ND D34LT W1TH
TEREZI: 1 R3SUM3 MY PR3V1OUS QU3ST1ON1NG

With a heavy sigh, Terezi walks over to the pair and bends down, grabs Vriska by her terrible spiderbitch shoulders, and begins to shake her as way of interrogation.

TEREZI: WHY THE ***FUCK*** DID YOU D3C1D3 TO 1GNORE OUR MOD3R4T3LY THOUGHT OUT PL4NS 4ND 1NST34D JUST ST4B M3 UNPROMPT3D???
VRISKA: It-
VRISKA: I-
VRISKA: Stop shaking me!
TEREZI: 1’V3 CONS1D3R3D YOUR R3QU3ST BUT MUST D3NY 1T UNT1L YOU C4N 3XPL41N YOUR THOUGHT PROC3SS TO M3
ROSE: You’re going to be at that for a while then, I suppose.
ROSE: Nothing even remotely resembling a thought has ever gone through her head.
KANAYA: And Here I Was Worried That Karkat And Terezi Would Be Met With Perhaps Celebration Or Otherwise Relief That Their Deaths Did Not Stick
KANAYA: I Am Truly So Glad To See That Ascension Cannot Be Met With Anything Other Than Petty Squabbles That Have Become So Characteristic Of Our Group
VRISKA: You’re all 8ark and no 8ite! All you do is stand around and fucking discourse 8ack and forth. We would’ve 8een here forever if I hadn’t stepped in to fix the pro8lem, and now you’re whining a8out it?
ROSE: You stab someone and then ask why they’re not grateful? Every day, I deeply question the decision to leave you unsupervised for quite literally any length of time.

This continued nonsense is enough for Karkat to finally throw his arms in the air in disgruntlement.

KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT? I’M DONE. I AM FINALLY AND ABSOLUTELY FUCKING DONE. MY BULLSHIT QUOTA FOR THE DAY, IF NOT THE REST OF MY PATHETIC AND LONG-SUFFERING APPARENTLY IMMORTAL LIFE, IS FILLED. I SIMPLY CANNOT DEAL WITH ONE MORE MILLISECOND OF THIS. GOD KNOWS I’M FATED TO DEAL WITH YOU CHUCKLEFUCKS FOR THE REST OF ACTUAL, LITERAL ETERNITY!
ROSE: I was going to-
KARKAT: WHAT, CALL YOUR FOURTH DISTINCT TEAM MEETING OF THE WEEK?
ROSE: Actually, yes. There is much to discuss and-
KARKAT: NO!
KARKAT: HELL NO!!!
KARKAT: HELL *FUCKING* ***NO***!!!!
KARKAT: I CANNOT FUCKING FATHOM WHY ON ALTERNIA, OR EARTH, OR WHATEVER BULLSHIT HELL DIMENSION WE’RE CLEARLY TRAPPED IN DUE TO THE QUANTITY OF ABSOLUTE BARKBEASTSHIT EVENTS I AM HAVING TO SIT THROUGH ON A PAINFULLY REGULAR BASIS, THAT YOU THINK A TEAM MEETING AFTER TWO *MURDERS* IS APPROPRIATE!
KANAYA: To Be Entirely Fair We Did Also Hold A Team Meeting Directly After My Death And Subsequent Revival
KARKAT: ONE ABSOLUTELY FUCKING ROTPANNED AND BRAINDEAD (LOOK, I AM INCLUDING INSULTS APPLICABLE TO BOTH SPECIES PRESENT! HOW FUCKING GENEROUS OF ME) ACTION SHOULD NOT A TRADITION MAKE.
KARKAT: I AM TIRED. I JUST GOT STABBED AND THEN, SINCE APPARENTLY THAT WASN’T ENOUGH MISERY FOR THE DAY, DECAPITATED!
DAVE: eh id say decapitation ranks pretty low on the list of gruesome deaths
KARKAT: I NEED AT LEAST A THREE DAY RESPITE FROM THIS EXACT KIND OF NONSENSE. NONE OF YOU ARE EVEN ALLOWED TO *THINK* ABOUT ME FOR THE NEXT THREE DAYS, MUCH LESS BOTHER, HARASS, PESTER, OR OTHERWISE CONTACT ME.
KARKAT: MEETING. FUCKING. ADJOINED.

Karkat storms out. Vriska, already lightheaded from being shaken by Terezi for about five minutes (and also a still-fractured rib from the floor tile impact), stumbles and lands ungracefully on the floor.

DAVE: three bullshit free days?
DAVE: sign me the fuck up i am also going on a retreat now
DAVE: got some reading to catch up on
KANAYA: Actually I Am Not Going To Lie Three Days Of Solitude Sounds Pretty Great
DAVE: hey kanaya do you wanna read the frog breeding book too we can have a book club
KANAYA: I Dont Exactly Have Anything Better To Do
ROSE: Wait-
ROSE: Hang on a minute-

Rose watches helplessly as everyone files out of the room, unwilling to cede to her desires to have a team meeting. On their way out of the room, Dave passes Kanaya a card with the ISBN (Intersession Sburb Book Number) code for “Advanced Frog Breeding for Beginners: Difficulty Level – EXTREME”.

ROSE: Meeting in three days it is then!

Chapter Text

DAVE: so all in all time travel is bullshit but it sounds like not having time travel is actually somehow more bullshit

Rose transportalizes into the meeting room, staring blankly as she processes that the room is already occupied and Dave and Kanaya are already engaged in a lively discussion without her.

ROSE: What are you talking about?
DAVE: time travel
KANAYA: Frogs
DAVE: you know the usual
KANAYA: Title Stuff
DAVE: read a four hundred page frog breeding manual in three days
KANAYA: It Was Quite Dull But In A Much Needed Way
ROSE: And you just happen to be in here discussing it? Right before the scheduled team meeting?
KANAYA: I Think Scheduled Is Quite A Strong Word For What Happened
KANAYA: Karkat Stormed Out Announcing He Did Not Want To See Hide Nor Horn Of Us For Three Days
ROSE: Yes?
DAVE: and you immediately took that as confirmation to go yep that means he wants to see us right as soon as those three days are up
ROSE: That is how the progression of time works.
DAVE: i think youre missing a crucial idea here
DAVE: saying he didnt want to see any of us for three days isnt the same thing as him saying yes i am jumping for fucking joy at the idea of a meeting in three days exactly
DAVE: really arent you supposed to be the socialized one between the two of us
KANAYA: I Actually Dont Think Either Of You Count As Socialized
DAVE: cold
DAVE: wait didnt you like grow up in the middle of a desert
KANAYA: I Do Not Think That Anyone On This Entire Meteor Was Properly Socialized At Any Point In Their Lives
KANAYA: Well Technically Vriska And Terezi Were In Fact Properly Socialized By Troll Standards But That Also Resulted In Countless Counts Of Murder So
KANAYA: Results May Vary
DAVE: actually no i think i was still better socialized than vriska
DAVE: i know that we dont run with scissors or bite people or oh you know decapitate people even with semi reasonable motivations
DAVE: and i mean reasonable by vriska standards so like completely batshit spiderhag nonsense but like you can still see the tangled thread of thought even if its dumb as all hell
ROSE: So, what you’re saying is that I may need to go fetch Karkat for the meeting?
DAVE: thats not-
DAVE: yeah okay if youre so intent on missing the point
DAVE: yep
DAVE: karkat is deeply unlikely to show up of his own accord so-

With a crackle of the transportalizer, Dave’s temptation of fate is proven wrong before it’s even finished leaving his mouth. Karkat enters with a dramatic and unintentional swish of his cape (Dave mouths “nice cape, dude” again at this, being physically incapable of not commenting on capes) and he even manages to stay stationary for long enough to not mistakenly trigger an animation cancel.

ROSE: Here for the meeting?
KARKAT: UNFORTUNATELY.

Rose raises one eyebrow at Dave. Dave sticks his tongue out at her in response.

ROSE: Quite unlikely to show up of his own accord, you say?
KARKAT: OH, SO WHAT I’M HEARING IS THAT YOU USED THE BRIEF PERIOD WITHOUT ME IN THE BLOCK TO SHAMELESSLY GOSSIP ABOUT ME? IS THAT WHAT’S HAPPENING? AM I HEARING THAT, DESPITE ALL THE MISERY YOU’VE PUT ME THROUGH, YOU GOSSIP MERCILESSLY THE SECOND I’M NOT PRESENT? I’M TRULY HURT.
DAVE: yep the moment youre not here we turn all real housewives of paradox space up here
DAVE: did you hear karkat died and went god tier? holy shit how did that happen
DAVE: murder you say
DAVE: unprecedented vriska event you say
DAVE: despite the fact that vriska killing people actually seems to be a well precedented event that she engages in semi regularly and we really shouldnt be surprised by it
DAVE: damn holy shit anyways i have never seen a real housewives show i just vaguely know that they exist
KANAYA: Real Hivematrons Of Alternia Was Cancelled After One Hundred Seventy Three Seasons
DAVE: yeah of course that was a show idk why im even surprised at this point
KANAYA: There Is Actually A Persistent Rumor That It Was Cancelled Shortly After A Famous Cerulean Pirate Interfered In Filming
KARKAT: I DO NOT LIKE HEARING THE WORDS “CERULEAN” AND “PIRATE” THAT CLOSE TOGETHER BECAUSE I AM NOW STRUCK BY THE FEAR THAT I AM ABOUT TO, SOMEHOW, IMPROBABLY, HEAR ABOUT VRISKA. BECAUSE SO MANY THINGS UNFORTUNATELY AND IMPLAUSIBLY LOOP BACK TO OUR TERRIBLE LITTLE CLIQUE AND THEIR EQUALLY AWFUL ANCESTORS!
KANAYA: I Had Not Yet Made That Connection But Now I Hold The Same Fear
KANAYA: Speaking Of Vriska Where Is She
DAVE: you know if you hadnt spoken up we couldve had a nice peaceful serket free meeting
ROSE: Team meeting, as a phrase, does imply that the entire team is present. Regardless of however much I would like to proceed without Vriska’s input.
ROSE: We also rather need Terezi here, given that she’s actually one of the newly-ascended god tiers.
KARKAT: HANG ON. I NEED CLARIFICATION. ARE YOU GOING TO BE PEACOCKING AROUND LIKE A FUCKING MORON OVER YOUR QUESTIONABLE ACHIEVEMENTS IN MURDER OR ARE WE ACTUALLY GOING TO STRATEGIZE? IS THIS GOING TO BE AN ACTUAL TEAM MEETING WHERE WE TRY TO GET SHIT DONE, OR IS THIS GOING TO BE YOU BRAGGING AND PARADING ABOUT LIKE A PROUD FAN-TAILED FEATHERBEAST?
ROSE: You clearly know the word “peacocking” given that you quite literally *just* said it. And then you proceed to use the phrase “parading like a fan-tailed featherbeast” in the same sentence?
KANAYA: I Have Never Heard The Phrase Fan Tailed Featherbeast
KARKAT: THAT’S-
KARKAT: THAT IS A PERFECTLY NORMAL ALTERNIAN TURN OF PHRASE. THERE IS NOTHING UNUSUAL ABOUT HOW I PHRASED ANYTHING IN THAT SENTENCE.
KANAYA: I Find That Doubtful
KANAYA: To Put It Quite Plainly I Think You Are Fucking With Us
ROSE: I fucking *knew it*!
ROSE: Dave-

Dave groans, navigates into his Virtual Porkhollow, and transfers Rose precisely five boonbucks. At this point in the game, boonbucks serve absolutely no purpose outside of trading hands after ill-advised bets are taken.

KARKAT: (KANAYA I CANNOT *BELIEVE*-)
KANAYA: (I Implore You To Not Argue And Transfer The Boonbucks To My Account Before Anyone Catches Wise To This)
DAVE: hey what are you two-

Karkat and Kanaya both freeze, looking incredibly suspicious as the successful boonbuck transfer notification plays.

KANAYA: Nothing-
KARKAT: NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS-
DAVE: something is certainly afoot

Before anyone has a chance to explore this further, one of the ceiling tiles slides out of place. This baffles absolutely everyone and no one can do anything but stare in bewilderment as-

Well, whatever they had about to witness is interrupted by the flash of the transportalizer and then a brighter flash as Terezi suddenly hurls a bolt of lightning into the hole in the ceiling.

ROSE: What-
TEREZI: SCOR3!

Vriska tumbles from the ceiling a split second later, looking distinctly frazzled and slightly like she had been struck by lightning (which she had).

TEREZI: DO YOU H4V3 4NY 1D34 HOW SOUL-S34RCHY 1 H4D TO B3 FOR 4 F3W D4YS TO G3T TH3 JU1C3 TO PULL TH4T OFF? TH3R3’S R34LLY NOT TH4T MANY T1TL3-R3L4T3D 4NT1CS FOR M3 TO G3T UP TO 1N TH1S PL4C3
ROSE: You know, I just considered asking what just happened, but I think I’m actually content to leave off with the knowledge that everyone is finally in the same room and we can actually kick off this long-awaited-
DAVE: (its been three days)
DAVE: (thats not)
DAVE: (what kind of timescale do you operate on)
TEREZI: WH4T 1S TH3R3 TO K1CK OFF? GOD T13R W4S OBT41N3D. W4SN’T TH4T YOUR OH-SO-GR4ND GO4L 1N TH3 3ND?
ROSE: Well yes, but actually-
KARKAT: AND HERE WE FUCKING GO! LALONDE, WHO HAS NEVER ONCE BEEN SATISFIED TO LEAVE WELL ENOUGH ALONE, IS BACK OFF HER ROCKER AND INTO THE TERRIBLE SCHEMES SO CHARACTERISTIC OF HER CLASS! WHAT A SURPRISE, SAYS ABSOLUTELY NO ONE EVER. CROWDS ARE STUNNED INTO BORED SILENCE BY HOW COMPLETELY EXPECTED THIS WAS.
DAVE: hey did anyone bring snacks
KANAYA: It Was Actually Your Turn
DAVE: what
DAVE: hang on just a moment let me get this straight
DAVE: so theres a spreadsheet for determining who has to bring snacks
DAVE: side note i do think this would be better suited to a google calendar but who am i to judge i guess
DAVE: a spreadsheet that i am explicitly banned from participating in or even viewing
DAVE: but i am somehow still expected to know when its my turn to bring snacks?
TEREZI: Y3S
DAVE: HOW
TEREZI: DO B3TTER!

Dave grumbles, emptying his sylladex of some of the quick snack food he tends to carry about at all times. Today’s haul includes dried appleberry slices (chili flavor), Doritos that for whatever reason seem to share most properties with a standard unit of Build Grist, one grape-scented washable marker, and a handful of off-brand honey nut cereal (which was apparently only contained within the sylladex, given how it’s now scattered across the table).

VRISKA: Dave. Those are terri8le snacks.
DAVE: i wasnt exactly planning on providing for a group of six
DAVE: do you not have sylladexes
DAVE: sylladice?
DAVE: sylladexi?
DAVE: sylladexes of your own
DAVE: you could also provide food
TEREZI: YOU’R3 TOT4LLY M1SS1NG TH3 PO1NT OF SN4CK DUTY
DAVE: i am also missing the access to snack duty
DAVE: kanaya youre like the troll version of a mom friend
DAVE: which is a friend type that i know exists from popular media rather than any presence of such a personality type in our social circle
DAVE: do you have snacks
KANAYA: Hmm

She rifles through her own sylladex with very little enthusiasm.

KANAYA: Well What Do You Know I Dont Have Access To Any Snacks Whatsoever
KANAYA: It Is Not My Turn For Snack Duty As Evidenced By Both The Spreadsheet And The Strict Refusal Of My Modus To Grant Me Access To Any Snacks
KANAYA: Because Again It Is Not My Turn For Snack Duty
KANAYA: And As Such
KANAYA: No Snacks
DAVE: great
KARKAT: HOW ABOUT WE STOP WHINING ABOUT SNACKS AND OH, I DON’T KNOW, MEANDER OUR COLLECTIVELY MORONIC ASSES TO THE POINT OF THIS MEETING SO IT CAN BE OVER WITHIN A SEMI-REASONABLE AMOUNT OF TIME GIVEN OUR NEW IMMORTALITY STATUS?
ROSE: Thank you. Now, as I was saying-
VRISKA: We got everyone to god tier! What more is there to ram8le on a8out?
ROSE: Oh, funny you should ask. Actually, since you’re the team leader, or strategist, or whatever obnoxious title you’ve come up with since I last pretended to pay attention to you, how do you plan to utilize the ascensions?
VRISKA: Easy. High risk situ8ions are no longer so high risk! We can fight more aggressively without worrying a8out losers getting skewered.
ROSE: So you don’t intend to use any of their powers?
VRISKA: Well fuck if I know what they can do! They can figure it out, I’m here for 8ig picture stuff, not micromanaging every second of com8at.
VRISKA: Hell, I don’t even think Karkat got any new powers! Can’t upgrade what you never had.
VRISKA: He can go deal with the little green fuckers; I don’t give a shit.
ROSE: Ah yes. Rather than using the Blood player to help coordinate any large fight, we’ll just send him off to deal with the “little green fuckers” alone. I’m sure we couldn’t use someone specifically helpful for team synergy with, oh, I don’t know, the veritable legion of Jack Noir and related companies.
ROSE: Or, what do I know! Maybe we should just leave Terezi in whatever sub-par position you originally had her in out of fear of getting her killed, rather than re-prioritize and use her with the ringbearer carapicians. Because what good would it do to have someone who can predict where they might teleport to next? Hell, while we’re at it, let’s just leave Kanaya in the Condesce fight rather than having her team up with the other Space player.
KANAYA: I Actually Would Quite Like To Kill The Condesce
KANAYA: I Think That Would Be A Good Use Of My Melee Skills
TEREZI: SUR3, BUT YOU 4LSO H4V3 T3L3PORT4T1ON NOW
KANAYA: Im Not Really Sure If I Can Teleport Or Not That Might Not Actually Be A Space Thing
TEREZI: HMM
VRISKA: None of us even know what the three of you can do. That’s like, the whole pro8lem. Much easier to just stick you where we originally planned.
ROSE: So rather than exploring the possible utilizations of their powers, you’re just content to just stick with your previous plan?
ROSE: Seems rather underwhelming for someone claiming to be the best strategist of all time.
VRISKA: I’m here to make sure we win! Micromanaging is for 8itches and Seers to worry a8out.
DAVE: hang on vriska ive got a question
VRISKA: Dave. I’m not answering your question unless you raise your hand.

After a moment’s hesitation and feeling very silly, Dave raises his hand.

DAVE: what are my powers
VRISKA: Time travel, duh. What kind of question is that?
DAVE: no but really what do you think i do
VRISKA: Uhhhhhhhh time loops? Knight is an active class-
TEREZI: D3B4T4BL3
VRISKA: -so it’s not like your powers line up with Megido’s-
TEREZI: 4R3 YOU R34LLY SO SUR3 M41D 1S 4 P4SS1V3 CL4SS-
DAVE: youre just assuming that all time classes work the same huh
DAVE: thats discriminatory
DAVE: not to mention fucking stupid
VRISKA: I wasn’t even really factoring in Time aspect 8ullshit into my plans! What’s the point in trying to account for timeline fuckery after all? Anyways, you’ve probably got decent synergy with the Mind aspect, so you and Terezi are paired up for your final fight.
DAVE: you really dont know shit about my actual powers
DAVE: hang on heres another
DAVE: what does rose do
VRISKA: Most fortun8 path or whatever.
KANAYA: Is It Finally Being Revealed That Our Brilliant Strategist Actually Has No Clue Whatsoever What Any Of The Skill Spreads Available Within Our Party Are
KANAYA: Much Less How They Would Practically Work Together And Complement Each Other
ROSE: You don’t know what any of our mythological roles entail.
VRISKA: What? No, of course I do! It’s just that everyone has stupid wishy-washy a8ilities and worthless powers. Everyone except for me, of course!
ROSE: Alright. Explain your powers to me, if you’re so certain you’re the only useful player in the fight.
VRISKA: Thief of Light. It’s not a hard title to grasp! Really, you need me to explain it to you?
ROSE: I’m waiting patiently.
VRISKA: I steal luck! There’s a luck stat... or something-
DAVE: (or something- do you not even-)
VRISKA: -and 8y tapping into my own powers, I’m a8le to transfer some or all of their accumul8ed luck stat into my own pool.
ROSE: That is a terrifyingly simplified view and only accurate on the surface level.
ROSE: If strategist were a real position within our group, I fear I’d need to demote you.
TEREZI: H4H4H4 OH M4N 1 C4N’T B3L13V3 1T TOOK 3V3RYON3 SO LONG TO NOT1C3!
TEREZI: 1F 1 W3R3 1N TH3 H4B1T OF T4K1NG BOONBUCK B3TS 3V3RYON3 WOULD N33D TO P4Y UP, BUT 1’M NOT 4 CHUMP L1K3 TH3 R3ST OF YOU
TEREZI: W3R3 YOU R34LLY UND3R TH3 1MPR3SS1ON VR1SK4 H4D 4NYTH1NG US3FUL TO CONTR1BUT3 R3: STR4T3GY?
KANAYA: No Not Particularly But She Has Been Rather Insistent On These Meetings
ROSE: I think, upon this revelation, I’m going to take over this timeslot in our very busy weekly schedules for a basic title theory class.
ROSE: I’m thinking “Title Theory For Dumbasses” as a name. Thoughts?
KARKAT: CAN WE NOT JUST ENJOY THE REMAINDER OF THIS JOURNEY WITH WHATEVER QUESTIONABLE REMNANTS OF SANITY WE HAVE LEFT? REALLY, I THINK THAT ACHIEVING EVEN ONE GOAL OVER THE COURSE OF THREE YEARS WAS PRETTY FUCKING IMPRESSIVE GIVEN THE HORRIFIC ARRAY OF PERSONALITIES ON DISPLAY. EVEN IF WE DID, SOMEHOW, IN A METEOR DEVOID OF ACTUAL REAL PROBLEMS AND ENEMIES, *STILL* MANAGE TO INCREASE THE COMMUNAL BODY COUNT BY THREE.
KANAYA: Does It Really Qualify As Adding To The Body Count If Said Body Proceeds To Get Up And Continue Walking Or In This Case Fluttering Around
KARKAT: YES. I CANNOT *BELIEVE* YOU WANT TO HAVE THIS DISCUSSION AGAIN! OF ALL THE PAN ROTTING TOPICS OF SO-CALLED PHILOSOPHY EVERYONE HERE COULD DEIGN TO CONTEMPLATE IN THE STUPIDEST MANNER POSSIBLE, WHY DO WE ALWAYS CIRCLE RIGHT BACK AROUND TO WHETHER KILLING SOMEONE IS MURDER? THIS HAS SUCH AN OBVIOUS ANSWER AND YET!
ROSE: To be entirely fair, I do think that both your own and Terezi’s recent deaths did count as murder.
KARKAT: I FEEL MILDLY TO MODERATELY SUSPICIOUS THAT YOU SEEM TO BE AGREEING WITH ME.
VRISKA: It’s not murder if it doesn’t stick!
KARKAT: AH, I SEE WE’RE HAVING A DICHOTOMY OF LIGHT PLAYER INSANITY TODAY. GOD FORBID THE TWO OF YOU EVER AGREE ON ANYTHING! I GUESS IT PLAYS RIGHT BACK INTO THE IDEA THAT A BROKEN CLOCK IS STILL RIGHT ONCE A DAY-
DAVE: no a broken clock is right twice a day
KARKAT: WHAT?
DAVE: god damn it is troll society running on fucking military time like a bunch of absolute chucklefuck losers
DAVE: can you as a society not manage to figure out the context clues regarding the presence of daylight and instead need a twenty four hour clock
DAVE: oh look the clock says three but i guess theres no way i could ever determine if its three in the morning or afternoon
KANAYA: We Are In The Middle Of The Space Between Sessions
DAVE: has everyone been running on military time except for me
TEREZI: 1 4CTU4LLY H4V3N’T LOOK3D 4T 4 CLOCK S1NC3 W3 ST4RT3D TH1S JOURN3Y

Dave stares blankly as everyone else begins to vaguely agree that they hadn’t really been keeping that much track of the passage of time. After another moment’s consideration (really, were they just guessing the approximate date at any given time?), he decides it’s actually not worth thinking about and reaches into the Dorito bag.

Karkat’s eyes closely track this movement, watching in sheer disappointment as Dave bites into the chip and recoils at the blue filling that begins to ooze from the snack triangle.

DAVE: fuck
DAVE: fuckin hell
DAVE: these always catch me off guard who invented these
KANAYA: I Actually Believe You Were The One Who Alchemized These First
KANAYA: Also Were Triangular Corn Snacks Not Banned From The Array Of Acceptable Snack Foods
TEREZI: B4NN3D 1S 4... STRONG WORD
TEREZI: NO ON3 H3R3 S33MS TO H4V3 TH3 MOR4L CONV1CT1ON TO ST1CK W1TH 4NYTH1NG

Seeing her commitment to having a meeting ignored, Rose has since pulled out another blackboard from her sylladex. Despite having been erased, one can still see remnants of Dave’s extensive list of Time-related concepts on its surface.

Rose smacks at the board with one of her Quills to get everyone’s attention at least remotely close to the track it’s been derailed from.

ROSE: Clearly, no one has any idea what’s going on.
DAVE: ayy ill toast to that

He raises another Dorito that still shares most properties with a standard unit of Build Grist in the air, grimacing again as he bites into it.

DAVE: bluh
ROSE: Since we have now concluded our previous task of achieving god tiers, I propose that we now produce a semi-coherent effort towards understanding the wide spread of abilities available to our team, and perhaps even productively utilizing them!
TEREZI: P4SS
ROSE: What?
TEREZI: 1 TH1NK 1’V3 GOT TH3 H4NG OF TH1S 4CTU4LLY
ROSE: Oh, so you’re saying you don’t want to watch attempts to understand newly-ascended powers? Say, we could even use Vriska as a target. I’m sure that’s of some appeal to you.
VRISKA: Hey-
TEREZI: HMM T3MPT1NG
KANAYA: You Know We Were Having A Riveting Discussion-
DAVE: (ribbiting discussion heh)
KANAYA: -About Frog Breeding Mechanics Before This
KANAYA: I For One Think We Could Get Back Into That And Not Miss Anything Of Any Value Whatsoever

Rose comes to the abrupt and sudden conclusion that maybe, just maybe, wrangling the five other players into any grand schemes for the remainder of the trip might not actually be worth the trouble. The hand holding her Quill drops from the blackboard down to her side as she thinks about the amount of effort involved just to manage participation in the semi-mandatory roughly-weekly meetings.

Maybe this could be postponed.

ROSE: Alright. Tell me about these frogs.
KANAYA: Excellent
KANAYA: The Practical Applications Of Frog Breeding Are Mostly Null At This Point Due To The Fact That There Is Already A Genesis Tadpole Allegedly Ready And Waiting With The Remaining Players Of Your Session
KANAYA: However
KANAYA: The Very Processes Involved Reveal A Lot About The Inner Mechanisms Of Sburb Itself
DAVE: such as it being massively horny for both frogs and the process of creating more frogs
KANAYA: Yes Indeed

And, as she listens to the Knight and Space player combo explain, in painful detail, exactly what Sburb thought about frogs, Rose does stop to reflect on their accomplishments. A Sylph, decked out in flowing black robes with pale green wings resting softly at her back. Their second Knight, occasionally cutting in with supposed corrections on the frog breeding mechanisms and still uncomfortably fidgeting with his cape (which is nowhere near as cool as Dave thinks capes are). The Seer of Mind, with her teal-green hood pulled up and focus on accumulating the Mind-specific static electricity to harass others with.

The sum of the precise alchemical manifestation of divinity.

DAVE: so in conclusion sburb has a breeding kink

Scandalized and outraged screams echo off the walls of the room as everyone vocalizes exactly what they think of Dave’s latest unfortunate thought.