Chapter Text
We hadn’t moved from the bed till morning.
Well. Not counting me going for two bottles of water to relieve the headache a bit.
All in all, Jake had cried a few more times, opening up more than I’d hoped for. He seemed to feel relatively safe at my chest… definitely enough to weep openly right on me.
But each time he cried… I was joining him.
I wasn’t strong enough to remain calm… I’d have to be heartless.
He’d poured his heart out, revealing just how deep his mental health had deteriorated. The things he had said, the things he had told me were both horrifying and choking. Frankly, I was utterly terrified and knew that, once he felt somewhat better, I’d get my contacts going and take him to the best therapist I knew.
Well. If he was willing.
But that wasn’t all. Each time he had a breakdown, we kissed afterward. Desperately, as if there was no tomorrow, as if that was the only night we had. We were adding more and more to the caresses, our hands straying from safe zones, greedy to feel and pet.
Yet, he was true to his words and nothing more happened.
No matter how much I wanted it to, frustrated beyond reason as he continued to torture me with his touch.
_-_-_-_
Around afternoon, I got up. As expected, Jake was still asleep, exhausted after the whole draining night. Yet, it actually worked out well for me; it gave me time and space to browse and prepare ornaments to be put on the Christmas tree.
I hoped he’d join me eventually.
Meanwhile, I decided to try and start ahead with the lights.
And he did join me. Much sooner than I’d anticipated.
Before I untangled the mess the lights were, at least an hour had passed. So, not wasting any more time, I took a chair and stood on it, trying to reach the top without the need for a ladder.
Jake came into the living room right after that; he saw me balancing on a chair, trying to hang the lights.
“You are going to fall off if you continue like this.” Jake commented, watching me from a distance.
“Help me then?” I scowled slightly.
I really was almost falling.
He shook his head and came closer, stopping right behind me. “How?”
“Either hold me up or do it for me. I’m too short and I can’t reach the top!”
He nodded and, without a word, grabbed me. Surprised, I squealed when he lifted me up by my thighs. I blushed; I hadn’t dressed yet and my night dress rolled up, leaving a lot of skin uncovered.
“I don’t have that much strength, so you need to hurry.” Jake managed.
Oh, right. I quickly tangled the lights where I needed them to and let him know he could put me down.
He did… by sliding me down his front slowly. My nightdress stopped right under my breasts and I nervously pulled it down. Once I was covered again, Jake wrapped his arms around my waist from the back and kissed my cheek.
“Morning.”
I leaned back into him, pleasantly amazed. “H-hi. I didn’t want to wake you up. Did I—”
“No. I just couldn’t sleep without you.”
I only nodded, my legs made of cotton. “Would you like to help decorate the tree?”
“Of course.”
I smiled and tried to turn to him. I wanted to see him when we talked, but the man immediately turned his head away, as if ashamed.
I frowned, not understanding.
However, before I could ask, Jake supplied in a filled with mortification voice.
“Don’t make that face. I humiliated myself enough to be ashamed about it, don’t you think?” He whispered.
“H-humiliated…? What?” I repeated, dumbfounded. “Of course, you didn’t! How can you—”
I shook my head and reached out to take his face into my palms. Yet, he flinched away and I stopped myself; my hands hovered awkwardly in the air, waiting for him to decide whether he wanted to be touched or not. Finally, slowly, he stepped into them, letting me cup his cheeks. I instantly trapped his head, forcing him to look me in the eyes.
“Don’t tell me you’re buying that men-don’t-cry shit. It’s toxic and harmful and incapacitates men.” He almost snorted with disbelief. “It does! You feel emotions, too, and you are allowed to deal with them in a healthy way. It was so brave of you to show a part of your soul like that in front of me.”
“It didn’t feel brave. I just… trust you.”
“I know.” I smiled weakly. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have wept in front of me. Even if I was just convenient at the moment, the only ally and the only way to find an outlet for his sentiments. “And I am glad you are not squishing the emotions in. It’s terrible for your heart.”
He scowled suddenly and took my palms in his, pulling them down from himself.
“I feel lighter, better, and I hate it. I shouldn’t be feeling that. I shouldn’t be feeling anything positive. This is not fair.”
“It’s okay to heal, Jake.” I whispered. “It’s okay to seek relief.”
“But Hannah is…!” He choked.
“And nothing will bring her back. Do you think she’d like to see you this way? I know sadness is familiar to you, you’re comfortable in it, but it doesn’t have to determine you. It doesn’t! It doesn’t reaffirm who you are.”
“That’s all I’d known before…”
Jake suddenly stopped and took a step back, clamming up. I sighed and let him recede into himself; it had been an extremely private thing to say.
“Jake?” I bit my lip, changing the topic and turning back to the tree. “Would you begin with putting the top on? It’s always been a man in my family who did that.”
I saw him eye me a bit oddly from the corner of my eye, but he turned to the boxes with decorations. He sought out the top and slowly placed it onto the tree.
“Thank you.” I said softly, touched.
With my mind’s eyes, I saw him doing it every year, and there was nothing I wanted more to happen in the future, when we both get better.
“MC?”
“Yes?”
Jake approached me again and, that time, it was he who took my face in his hands. I stared at him, holding back a teasing sentence, waiting for what he wanted to say.
“Thank you. Truthfully. I can’t imagine not having come with you. I’d have probably… I wouldn’t have dealt with it all. You don’t want to know what kind of things were going through my head. Although you maybe can imagine… So, thank you for being there for and with me. Thank you for saving me… again. And… may, may I kiss you?”
At that moment, I looked at him; he looked sick. Haggard. Thin, exhausted, with dark bags under his eyes, his hair matted, his clothes hanging off him… his eyes were filled with pain, with anger, with so many negative things. And yet… there was that softness, that special spark whenever he gazed at me.
And I only made sure that, in my eyes, he was still beautiful.
Still… fascinating.
“Why are you even asking?” I managed, throat tight, stepping even closer.
Jake made a choked sound and leaned in. He kissed me slowly, our lips moving calmly as delicate ringing filled my ears.
I was seeking connection in the caress; I wanted to feel like I was an important someone to him. I wanted to have the sensation of being wanted and appreciated.
And, in a way, I did.
Despite him seeking a different thing from it altogether: he wanted to forsake the feeling of loneliness.
And I tried to deliver with each move of my mouth. I am here with you. You are not alone. I love you.
And maybe he felt it, because he brought me closer and introduced a new intensity into it. He opened his mouth and prompted me to do the same, his tongue gently probing at my lips.
I felt like I belonged with him.
I hoped he felt the same.
And I really hoped the feeling was associated with home now.
Jake pulled away a little, his breath heavy. I did not open my eyes, smiling gently as I enjoyed the lingering taste of him.
I knew he was watching me.
I let him.
“You still taste sweet.” He whispered eventually.
I hummed and leaned in to bite his lower lip. “You said you liked it.”
“I do.” He grunted and grabbed the back of my neck to press me as close as possible, slipping his tongue into my mouth boldly.
Not that I complained.
The new ferocity was sending shivers down my calves and I knew I had to try to get even closer.
So, I backed us up to the sofa and pushed him gently; he sat on it, his eyes never leaving me. He was gazing at me intensely. Not making him wait any longer or, even worse, letting him have second thoughts, I straddled the man. For a moment, he seemed like he wasn’t sure… so, I dipped my head and reconnected our lips. He hummed as I was taunting him with sensual moves of my mouth.
“I wonder if you taste like gingerbread all over.” I heard him murmur at some point and I shivered.
“You can always check.”
“And you’d allow me to lick you everywhere?”
I looked down at him. “Do you promise it will be everywhere?”
Jake released a groan and brought my lips to his again.
_-_-_-_
It was evening already. We’d eaten dinner consisting mostly of the things I’d cooked specially for Christmas and, for another moment, it all seemed normal.
Resting afterward, we were sitting on the sofa, watching the fireplace. Soft light from the fire and the lights from the tree were creating a cozy atmosphere which allowed for a slumber.
Apparently in a mood for closeness, Jake had his arm around me as I was leaning against his side, my head resting on his shoulder as a soft smile was curling my lips. He was playing with my hair, from time to time caressing it.
At some point, I looked up at the man and found him watching me with gentle eyes.
“What is it?”
He only kissed my forehead, making me close my eyes.
I stayed like that, blissful.
After a while, I heard him.
“You make me oddly peaceful.” Jake said barely audibly and my heart skipped a beat.
I moved my head and kissed his neck delicately, barely brushing my lips against his skin. He took a deep, shaky breath.
A moment of silence filled the air; in the meantime, his fingers stopped caressing my hair.
“And, to be honest… I’m confused.”
Slowly, I sat up and kneeled on the sofa beside him.
“Confused? Why?”
For a second, the man struggled with his thoughts. At last, he decided to articulate them.
“What I feel around you… it just doesn’t make sense.”
Not letting it get to me, I asked calmly: “What do you feel?”
Jake was dead serious when he gazed at me.
“Logically… We don’t know each other all that well. During the investigation, we hardly had any time to get to know each other. There were only bits and pieces, but those were significant. I knew I had your trust no matter what. I trusted you. I knew I could always count on you. And the past month only showed—”
“Right.” I nodded sharply, very well aware of what he meant.
“And yet, when I look at you… I’m scared, MC, because you mean more to me than any other person.” He caressed my cheek. “You are everything I think about, everything I need. Everything I want.”
“I feel the same way about you.” I said quietly.
“You, you do?”
The utter shock in his voice had me offended.
I stared at him incredulously.
“And what was the last month? Me doing charity? Do you think I would manage the past month if I didn’t feel the way I do?”
He almost laughed.
Almost.
“I hardly showed you my best side the last few weeks.”
“You showed me much more than you think. I like the real you, not the perfect you.”
Suddenly, he jerked and stared at me as if he’d realized something. His eyes were wide and he took a deep breath.
“Nothing is okay. Everything is hurting a lot and I just want to never breathe again, but… the need to be with you is stronger. You are the only one who distracts me from the pain. You put up with me since we found Hannah, and… as selfish as I sound right now, I want you next to me for as long as you want to be there.”
I smiled tearily. “Jake…”
“I am a prisoner of my own mind and my own worries. A prisoner of the reality, of my past. But, somehow, your presence makes me feel free. And even though I don’t have much to offer… I’m yours.” He faltered. “That is, if you’ll have me.”
I eyed his lap and Jake nodded once, making me certain that it was welcome.
So, I straddled him again and braced my forehead against his. I needed to be close to him. I needed to feel his warmth and his heartbeat under my palm. He released a deep breath, tense. I laughed softly and relaxed on him.
“I will. You have no idea— I have been yours for a long time, Jake.” I uttered. “Ever since you asked about the desert island.”
“Aren’t we on one right now?” He murmured.
“Kind of.” I hummed before the man brought me down on the sofa, laying me on my back. I shivered and his pupils dilated. “Mm. Happy Christmas, Jake.”
“Happy Christmas, MC.”
There was much to work with, the times that were coming would be difficult. But, as long as I had him by my side, I believed we would be alright.
FIN
STORY 1/3 OF THE SHORT SERIES