Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Nandor was sad. That wasn’t unusual at this point. He wasn’t a normal kind of sad, though, he was the kind of sad that made him not want to leave his room. The kind of sad that made him lay in his bed and hum slow songs to himself so he could match his own mood. He was the kind of sad that a child would be when its hamster dies, not knowing that it can buy itself a brand new hamster. But, a brand new hamster can’t exactly fix a broken heart, can it? No, it can’t. At the end of the day, it’s just a stupid bloody hamster.

Laszlo had tried everything he could to help. He played Nandor’s favourite songs on the piano. Not even Chum On Irene could elicit a reaction. He showed him some of his favourite pornos, but, as expected, he was met with a depressed vampire telling him that he’s boring to look at when he’s having sex. That got them nowhere, except for a throbbing bruise on Laszlo’s ego.

Nadja had tried everything she could to help. She tried to get him out of the house, to go hunting for virgins. Maybe there was some more drug blood around and he could be a wizard yet again? Maybe buy some more crepe - sorry, creepy paper? He wasn’t really in the mood for a night on the town, so she gave up fast. She knew better than to prod an angered vampire. Besides, The Vampiric Council wasn’t going to run itself. There was nothing else she could do. To be fair, she didn’t really try all that hard.

Colin Robinson had tried everything he could to help. He was incredibly unsure about how to get the pep back in Nandor’s step. He wasn’t the kind of vampire that would put you in a good mood. He was actually in a bad mood as well. He wasn’t feeling full. Without Nandor’s energy, he was wholly unenthused. He was getting ¾ of his daily energy intake, he was mad! But, all he could do to help is encourage the others to help Nandor, and help him fast. By doing nothing to help, he was annoying the others. Annoying the others? Oh yeah, that’s some delicious energy. He also deflected every accusation that this vampiric depressive state was his fault, although it definitely was.

Guillermo had tried everything he could to help. He was the one who was trying the hardest to help him. Ever since he had saved Nandor from the cult, he had been locked up in a cage in the basement. It was strange. He felt like he knew everything Nandor was going through. He’d also ran away from the others. He’d also been locked in the creepy cell beneath the Staten Island mansion. Nandor didn’t know he could escape using the cage’s broken bars. He’d just sit there, kicking his legs back and forth, a miserable look on his face. When talked to, he’d plead to be released, claiming full humanity. Guillermo was unsure if he was joking most of the time.

For the month Nandor was gone, Guillermo pined. He was hopelessly in love, that much was true. He had been ever since they had first met. I mean, there was no way that he could ignore a tall, dark and attractive man and his goth friends as they stood at the doorway of Panera Bread, five minutes before closing, begging to be let in. He remembered it so clearly, wiping down a table and making eye contact with Nandor, watching the look of recognition and curiosity pass over his face while Take On Me by a-ha played loudly on the Panera Bread’s tinny speakers. ‘ Take me on’ indeed, he thought.

That memory crossed his mind almost immediately as he folded the colourful clothes that Nandor had in his luggage, which he came back to collect the next day and found thrown onto the concrete ground, while Morten Harket’s occasionally grating falsetto screeched in his ears, courtesy of his headphones. He thought the song was fitting, considering he was thinking about Nandor while folding some very, very 80s clothing. He was almost always thinking about Nandor. It was an ex-familiar-now-bodyguard’s duty, after all. He picked up a short-sleeved button up shirt with rainbow coloured swirls coating it, and folded it up gently. “Nandor, what happened to you…”

“I’m worried about him,” Guillermo later admitted to the camera crew, scoffing a little and adjusting his glasses. “W-Well, of course I am. I’m his bodyguard, after all, a guy’s allowed to care about the vampire he’s protecting, isn’t he? And, I really, really care about him. He means the world to me. Don’t… Don’t tell the others I said that.”

When the camera crew broke his trust entirely and told the others he said that, Nadja scoffed loudly. “Aye-aye, Captain Obvious! He does a shitty job at hiding it, a real shitty job.”

“I’m not fussed about it,’ Laszlo shrugged. “I mean, Gizmo’s doing his duties! It isn’t getting in the way. It’s not like he’s getting any sort of big, ridiculous ideas.”

And, in the middle of folding a shirt, Guillermo paused. He was getting a big, ridiculous idea. He sat down, scrolling through his playlist. Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go. Don’t Stop Believin’. Tainted Love. Funkytown. Let’s Hear It For The Boy. Glancing between the amalgamation of 80s hits and the balled-up legwarmers on the table gave him an idea.

Grabbing his laptop, he frantically closed tabs and tabs searching for virgins on Staten Island, opening another tab to search ‘jazzercise’. Going to images, he clicked on one of the first ones he could. What is jazzercise, I hear you ask? One of, if not the overall dumbest idea from the 80s. A combination of aerobic exercise and dance fitness, where you traditionally wear the foulest outfit imaginable and smile too widely while ‘dancing’ to synth music while your instructor yells what to do at you. He was familiar with it purely because he was forced to listen to his mother playing the tapes at 5:00 in the morning on weekends when he wanted to sleep in when he was younger.

“I used to curse Judi Sheppard Missett for creating this fucking abomination , this zit , this pox , this leech on my sanity , but I think I just recognised that she’s saved my life. Some of the old tapes are online! Maybe… Maybe my mother still has them- The vampires have a VHS player, right?” The camera guy gave a shrug that said something along the lines of ‘I have no idea, these vampires own practically everything under the sun’, and Guillermo nodded to him in affirmation. “I have a lot of supplies I need to get.”

He rushed out of his bedroom, almost immediately running into Nadja. “Nadja, Nadja, do you have a VHS player by any chance?”

She let out a yell of utter disgust and frustration, her accent thicker than usual. “It’s somewhere in this place, now get out of my way! Council deadlines to meet!”

The Guide was hot on her heels, pausing for a second to tell Guillermo “Ask Laszlo! I think he was the last to use it.”

“Sweet, thanks! He smiled a little before rushing off, following the faint sound of music.

Laszlo sat at the piano, gently tapping his fingers across the keys in a beautiful melody. He liked to play the most beautiful tunes he could. 300-ish years of practice did him some good. He really thought that years and years of vampirism would mean he’s gotten a little rusty over the years, but he was completely satisfied with his abilities. But, he was cut off as Guillermo sped into the room. He rolled his eyes a little. “What is it, Gizmo?”

“Do…” He huffed a little. “Do you have the VHS player?”

“Do I have the- You know, if you want to watch my pornos, you could just ask-”

“That’s not what I-” His reply was caught in his throat as a red blush coated his face. “Look, I think I have an idea for how to cheer up Nandor!” Laszlo blinked. “....I’ve already tried showing him the pornos, he was not impressed but-”

“Forget the pornos for a moment!!” He sighed. “You know how happy he was when he was brainwashed in that cult he was in?”

“Yes.”

“Well, when I infiltrated I noticed that one of the things the cult was doing was jazzercise!”

“Where are you going with this?”

“My mother has some tapes back in the Bronx, so I was thinking that we could start a little- It sounds weird now that I say it out loud, but you’ve gotta trust me here. What do you think?”

There was a pause as Nandor thought over the idea. Guillermo was wide-eyed with drive and enthusiasm. After a minute had passed, he stood up, placing a hand on Guillermo's shoulder. His heart was beating insanely fast with excitement at his own idea. “I think that’s the fucking dumbest idea that’s ever come out of your mouth.”

Chapter Text

Guillermo’s face fell a little. “What?”

“I said,” Laszlo sighed. “That’s the fucking dumbest idea that’s ever come out of your mouth.”

“Come on, will you just give it a chance? It’s my last resort here! I don’t know what else I should be doing!”

“I also don’t know what we should be doing, but I know bloody well it isn’t that .”

“Please, I’m literally begging here!”

“Is this an excuse to have the opportunity to stare at Nandor’s ass in those shorts again? Because I can appreciate the drive, but-”

“No!” Guillermo’s face was flushed red. “I’m just trying to be a… A good familiar, bodyguard, and friend.”

Laszlo scrunched his nose up in disgust. “You’re trying rather hard, aren’t you? How about you just leave him be and let his little… episode pass?”

“Laszlo, what can I do to convince you? Is there… Is there, like, a trade we could negotiate?”

He stopped, staring at Guillermo. His eyes were sparkling with enthusiasm. He had an idea, and Laszlo wished with all his heart that he could stop him. He didn’t really like it when Guillermo had ideas. But, the idea of a trade admittedly piqued his interest. “What’s your plan, Gizmo?”

“Guillermo,” he corrected in a mutter before continuing. “So, he was doing jazzercise in the cult, right? Well, I was thinking that we could start a little… You know, like a little club, and we can do it all together..?”

He suddenly lost interest at the mention of a ‘club’. “I’ll pass.”

“You were interested seconds ago!!”

“Yeah, and the idea of a club made me pass. What are we, kids? I’m 310 years old. ”

“Everything’s more fun with friends. It’s good to have a support group! I think that’s what Nandor needs: his friends’ support.”

“What makes you think I can be arsed to do jazzercise , of all things?”

“...I proposed a trade. You didn’t listen to my end of the bargain!”

“Well, it had better be good.”

“If you do this for me, then I’ll… I’ll follow your orders as well as Nandor’s for a month.”

Laszlo raised an eyebrow. “...Make it two.”

“Fine, two months. I’ll be your honorary familiar for two months if you do just a little bit of jazzercise. Come on, for him.”

The vampire sighed loudly in defeat, rolling his eyes. “Fine. I’ll do your stupid fucking jazzercise club. But only once, ok? One time, then no more.”

“Really?” Guillermo smiled with excitement at his success, gently pumping his fist and hoping that it was barely noticeable. He went in for a hug, but was met by a perfectly manicured hand shoving him away. “Thank you so, so much, Laszlo, I owe you one.”

“You owe me more than one, you owe me two months, and don’t you forget it. Now, leave me, will you? I’ve got music to play.”

“Right. Thanks again.”

He rushed out of the room, desperate to get to the cage beneath the Staten Island mansion to propose the idea to Nandor. His hair was still short and fluffy, and he was still in his blue and pink sweater and a pair of black shorts. He was laying on the rickety cot, eyes closed in a desperate attempt at slumber without the soil of his homeland beneath him. When he heard the lights turn on, he groaned and rolled over, shielding his face from the brightness in a similar way to how a teenager does, knowing they have to get up and face yet another day of high school. “I told you, Laszlo, I don’t want to watch your pornos again! I could hear a sound similar to dried leaves crunching in my balls when I watched them last time!”

“No, master, it’s just me. It’s Guillermo.”

The familiar felt a tad offended when Nandor groaned again, only louder. “What is it, Guillermo? Can’t you let me mourn in peace?”

“Y’see, about that… I had an idea. Laszlo’s willing to help, if that convinces you at all?”

“I swear, if this is at all about his p-”

“IT IS NOT ABOUT LASZLO’S PORN, MASTER,” he stated, a rosy blush warming his face. “So, when I saved you from that cult, you were-”

“It wasn’t a cult!” Nandor protested. “It was a wellness center. They were like family!”

“You have a family here! Laszlo, Nadja, Colin Robinson (I guess), and me.”

“When I was human, I had 37 wives. Some of them weren’t even female wives. I had male wives , Guillermo. So, so many male wives.” He looked like he was on the verge of tears. Probably because he had so many male wives. “I have 200,000 direct living descendants - well, I had 200,000 direct living descendants, now I only have 199,999 direct living descendants! That’s a family, not… whatever this housing arrangement is. I’ve been alive for 759 years now! Sometimes I think life’d be better if I wasn’t bitten.”

“I don’t think that! I mean, if you weren’t bitten, then we wouldn’t have met.” He tried to gather himself quickly, stammering his way through an explanation. “I mean, us a-and the others. You know what I mean.”

“There was something you wanted while you were here..?”

“Right, yes, that. When I saved you from that c- wellness center , you were doing some sort of… jazzercise class. You looked like you were having fun.”

“I was, before you got in the way.”

“I see you’re a little mad,” Guillermo whispered underneath his breath before continuing. “Just hear me out. What if we did jazzercise as a group? Maybe that’ll help you get back into the swing of things!”

Nandor stared him down intensely as if he had just proposed the dumbest idea in existence. The look reminded him of Laszlo’s, but if it was 10 times more frustrated. “Excuse me?”

“What if we all did jazzercise together until you’re feeling better? I’ve done a bit of research, and apparently exercise can be beneficial for your mental health. I just thought that this’d help.”

“No.”

“No?” A flash of sadness crossed Guillermo’s face, and Nandor felt the slightest pang of guilt. “Come on, please?”

“I’m too tired right now.”

“I’m not saying right now, just sometime soon. It’d be fun, I think.”

“Do I have to?”

“Look, I’m trying my hardest to help you out here. I’ve worked hard, I’ve done my research, what do you want from me?”

“I want you to leave me alone! I can take care of myself.”

“Obviously you can’t.” His tone grew more hostile than he would have liked it to be. “The second you think about the universe, you get thrust into a deep depression and join a cult where you rip your fucking fangs out every day! Face it, you’re lost without me.”

“Then leave me to be lost, I don’t care!”

“Fine!”

“Fine!” Guillermo turned on his heels, making his way upstairs and leaving as quickly as possible. Glancing to the cameraman who was filming the whole encounter, he let out a small sigh of regret.

Later on, in his room, he rocked back and forth slowly while staying seated on the bed. Looking at the same cameraman as before, he smiled with an overwhelmed chuckle. “Am I frustrated? Of course I am. I-I mean, Nandor’s always been stubborn, but I have to admit he’s been difficult to reason with ever since he got back from that cult. Do I regret that little argument? Yes, I do. It was immature of me to leave so fast, especially since someone needs to be the responsible one here… Geez, I don’t really know. I think I’m gonna leave him to slumber and check in with Nadja later tonight, see if she’d be interested at all. I should probably get a bit of sleep too. I’ve got a lot to do tomorrow.”

When the camera crew asked Nandor the same question, he started by yelling at them to leave him to brood in peace. But, after a moment, he opened up. “Of course I feel bad for yelling at Guillermo! He’s a good familiar and bodyguard, don’t get me wrong, but he’s stubborn. Although that’s a quality displayed by a strong warrior, it can be a pain in the ass. Fucking guy…”

That was when the crew knew it’d be a good idea to give him some space. In personal discussions away from the camera, they discussed the two, and how they surprisingly had so much in common. Unfortunately, it appeared that most of the time, the common ground wasn’t the greatest thing in the world.

Chapter Text

Nadja, the recently appointed leader of The Vampiric Council, was stressed without Nandor (her number two) by her side. He didn’t do much to help without prompting, and a lot of the time he got in her way, but most of the time, he’d do what he was told without a doubt. So, when Guillermo came up to her, she knew exactly what she needed to do.

“Finally, you’re here. You know how much you want to be a vampire? Yes? Well, I need you to do something for me.”

“O-Oh, I’m not gonna be staying for long; I’ve got cleaning I need to do,” he replied, a bashful tone in his voice. “I actually wanted to ask for your help with something.”

“I don’t have time for whatever it is. I’m busy. It’s bad enough working without Nandor.”

“Well… What if I told you that this might get Nandor back? Then the council will be running like clockwork.”

“This ‘clockwork’ you speak of is currently a rusted mess!” She sighed loudly, rubbing her temples before sitting down on the couch and patting the seat next to her. Reluctantly and uncomfortably, he sat down next to her. “I’ll hear you out for now.”

Guillermo smiled, gently waving a hand in an attempt to add a touch of flair. “Jazzercise.”

“...Are you being serious right now?”

“100% serious.”

“You think jazzercise is going to get Nandor back?”

“If we do it together, possibly?”

“I’m not going to do that. What makes you think I have the time for that?? This council has only one vampire to lead it, and that vampire is me! I can’t be messing around doing jazzercize!”

“Come on, Nadja, please?” he begged, a desperate and hopeful look in his eyes. He drummed his hands on his lap with nerves. “If Nandor has a group of people to support him, we may be able to help him get back on his feet! B-Besides, there’s The Guide! She can help you work for the council! You’re owed a day off from time to time, or at least an hour.”

She paused, thinking it over. “I haven’t been having much slumber recently. I’ve been busy thinking about the council.”

“All the more reason to take a break! Exercise improves sleep, you know?”

“Of course I know that,” Nadja told one of the camera people who interviewed her moments later. “I’ve been around the block multiple times in my life. Do you think the poor little village girl who I once was survived by not carrying around slabs of donkey meat? I was quite strong, even before I was bitten. People in neighbouring villages would look at me and say ‘Oh, here comes strong girl with donkey meat!’ as I would come over the hill with my family and a third of a donkey in my arms. To be fair, he wasn’t that big a donkey… But I would always sleep well that night!”

“Come on, Nadja, please? For Nandor?”

“...We have to dance around to music for 15 minutes to an hour?”

“You can take an hour off for a couple days, right?”

“Have you discussed this with any of the others? Can’t they do it instead?”

“Well, I managed to convince Laszlo…”

“Good! He can take my place then, you won’t need me.”

“Have you ever heard the saying ‘the more the merrier’?”

“I have, unfortunately.” She rolled her eyes in a glance to the camera.

“I just think Nandor would feel a lot more, you know, supported if we get together a little group. Nothing big or anything, just the housemates. It’ll just be for 15 minutes to an hour! Please, if you don’t do it for me, then you can at least do it for Nandor.”

Nadja paused to think the idea over as Guillermo plastered on his best pleading face. After a minute, she sighed, following it up with a defeated yell. “Fine! Fine, you win, I will do one session . One session of your stupid little jazzercise routine. Then, no more.”

“Thank you, Nadja! I can’t tell you how grateful I am that you’re willing to help, I mean, it means so much, and-”

“What are you guys talking about?” Guillermo barely suppressed his groan. Nadja was unsuccessful at the same action.

“What do you want, Colin Robinson?”

“I wanna join in! I love jazzercise,” he smiled. “You know, jazzercise currently has over 8,300 franchisees worldwide in 32 countries-”

“Never mind,” Nadja said, getting up and beginning to walk off before having her arm grabbed by Guillermo.

"Come on, you just agreed!”

“I’ve had some experience regarding jazzercise, yeah,” Colin said to the crew during a confessional. “I-I did some jazzercise in the mid to late 80s. It’s surprisingly easy to drain people after they’ve been exercising. They don’t even notice most of the time! They say things like ‘Oh, that workout was exhausting!’ I’n going to confess something that I probably shouldn’t, but exercise really isn’t strenuous. It’s like a walk in the park! Get it? Anyway, the exhaustion comes from an energy vampire. Whether they’re a part of your club or passing you by on the street, they’ll drain you because you're more vulnerable. I’ve recently been taking the car out and honking at joggers when they cross the street. It’s been a whole lot of fun, especially when they-”

The crew didn’t catch the rest of what he was saying, because the boom guy fell asleep. Guillermo needed to shoo him out of the confessional booth, then apologise profusely.

“Come on, jazzercise is ten times more fun with friends!”

“We aren’t exactly friends,” Nadja muttered under her breath.

“Jazzercise is more fun with friends!” Laszlo entered the room behind Colin, placing a protective hand on his shoulder. “That’s why I invited Colin Robinson to do it with us.”

“Laszlo, why did you invite Colin Robinson?” Nadja whined.

“Because, my good lady wife, he is my friend. And friends do jazzercise together. Isn’t that right, Guillermo? You’re doing this for Nandor because you’re such great friends.”

He looked at Guillermo with a knowing look. He stayed quiet, but there was a blush coating his face. “Y-Yeah, we are.”

Laszlo hummed smugly before turning back to Nadja. “Anyway, Colin and I are going to be doing jazzercise together.”

“Hell yeah we are!”

“You know what? Fine! Fine, Colin Robinson can join us in our jazzercise. Now, I must go, council duties await.” She muttered under her breath. “Why don’t you just marry him instead…”

“To be fair,” Laszlo later confessed away from the others. “Colin Robinson is a sad, lonely little man, and he looks a little bit like an egg. We all know it. We all see it! I guess I… took pity on the poor guy. I think I know him more than all of you do. Might as well let him have a little bit of fun before…”

He suddenly stopped, pursing his lips. The crew decided not to pry anymore.

“Perfect!” Guillermo said, clasping his hands together happily. “Alright, just gotta do one last thing and grab the tapes!”

“Where the bloody hell do you think you’re going?”

Guillermo grabbed the bag he had packed the day before. “The Bronx. I’ll be back before you know it.”

“What about us? You’re the familiar, you should be doing the housekeeping.”

“Well, lucky for you, it’s almost time for the sun to rise.” Guillermo gestured to the windows coated in layers of newspaper and, sure enough, there was a golden glow starting to shine. “Time for you lot to slumber.”

Nadja groaned with frustration. “Your stupid jazzercise kept me busy for the rest of the fucking night!! I am the leader of the Vampiric Council, I-”

“Co-leader.”

“Pardon?”

“I said,” Colin Robinson repeated, gesturing to her. “Co-leader. Don’t forget about Nandor.”

“Fine! Whatever! Just let me slumber in peace, Colin Robinson!”

The three continued to bicker as they left to go to their rooms. Guillermo glanced at the camera for a moment, taking a breath through his teeth. He talked as he walked downstairs to check in on Nandor.

“Well hey, they’re somewhat willing to help! I-I mean, honestly, I didn’t think it’d go down that well. From this point on, I don’t have that much of a structured plan. Well, I have roughly…” He paused to think and check his watch. “…3 hours and 11 minutes to think of something.”

He pulled open the door, glancing down to the cell where Nandor was locked. He glanced up at him before huffing and rolling back over.

“Master, I’m going out. If you ever need me, call Nadja or Laszlo and you can borrow the telephone, ok?”

“...Ok,” he replied grumpily. Guillermo had to stop himself from rolling his eyes.

“Are you still mad at me after our last argument?”

“Yes.”

“Well then, that’s good to know. I’ll be back before you know it, master.”

Nandor didn’t respond as Guillermo closed the door. After leaving the house and beginning his walk to the train station, he spoke to the cameraperson following him. “It’s alright that Nandor’s mad at me. I mean, he has every right to be upset. He’s spiralled into an existential crisis. He’s been upset at me a fair few times over the last 11-12 years. He’ll wear himself out over time and forget that he was even mad.”

He hesitated. “I hope, anyway.”

Chapter Text

“Well,” Guillermo said, clasping his hands together as he talked to the cameras in front of him, “Here we are. My mother’s house.”

“ ¡Guillermo! ¿Con quién estás? ”

“ Estoy en un documental, ¿recuerdas? ” He turned back to the crew, a little embarrassed. “Sorry, she doesn’t really know about the… true nature of the documentary. She’s also… very catholic, and she doesn’t know that I’m… you know. A real vampire’s familiar. So, just keep it down, ok?”

When he got a nod from the camera crew he walked off. His mother was in the kitchen, muttering to herself about something wrong with the stove. Guillermo gave her a light tap on the shoulder. “Hey, do you… Do you still have those old jazzercise tapes?”

“ ¿Qué? ”

“Jazzercise. Las cintas de ejercicios. ”

A look of realisation crossed her face and she grinned, holding a hand up to Guillermo and the crew before walking off to a different room. Guillermo sighed.

“Jazzercise was- It was a big thing when I was younger. I remember she used to do it, jazzercise, aerobics, my cousins would complain about not being able to use the TV…” He laughed nervously, fidgeting with his hands. “In all honesty, I think… Seeing the… men in the spandex shirts might’ve helped me realise that-”

“ ¡Aquí! ” Mrs De La Cruz returned with an old box, shoving it into Guillermo’s arms. He laughed loudly, startled and relieved. The editors decided to add captions in the final cut. “ Why do you need them? ”

“ My boss is in a slump. ”

“ At the railroad? ”

“ ...Yes, at the railroad. ”

“ Why the exercise tapes? ”

“ ...The boss normally really loves to exercise. But he got caught up with some bad people recently and nothing’s been able to cheer him up. I wanted to do something for him. ”

She cooed, giving him a loose hug. “ How sweet! Good luck, okay? But be careful with my tapes. ”

“ Thank you, Mama. ” He paused. “ ...Can I ask for some advice? ”

Her face fell a little, and she ushered Guillermo to the couch. They sat down next to each other, and he leant his head on her shoulder.

“ ...There’s this… girl I work with. She- She means a lot to me, but she’s struggling with something at the moment. I think- I think she’s depressed. It really hurts me to see her like this, but when I tell her I want to help she pushes me away again and again and I don’t understand why, I mean… All I’ve ever been is nice to her, but she just ran away one day and now she’s back it feels like everything’s changed between us. ”

“ Do you have a little crush on this girl? ”

Guillermo paused, as if to think. He eventually drew a tight breath, glancing over to the camera for a brief moment. “ ...Yes. ”

“ Ay… If you were to ask another man, he’d likely say something about how women are complicated or maybe say that she’s menstruating… ”

“ She’s- She’s not menstruating. ” He looked at the camera again. “ I know that for sure. ”

“ You ask me for advice and don’t listen for a response! ” She sighed, patting him on the head a couple of times. “ Before anything else, you should be patient. This girl isn’t obligated to tell you anything or accept your help. You may be nice, you may have the best possible intentions, but that doesn’t mean she needs to feel the same about you. 

“ Life has its ups and downs. When you see trouble, you want to fix it! That fact is understandable. Nobody likes to see somebody that they care for in harm’s way. But the most important thing to keep in mind is that her trouble isn’t your business. You don’t need to fix it. You need to keep in mind that she needs to take care of her own problems too. ”

“ I know, I know, it’s just- She’s been feeling like this for a long time, and- I’m worried she’s gonna do something to herself. ”

“ When did this start? ”

“ A while ago. I- We went to Atlantic City with some friends for a neighbour’s 20th anniversary. I… She asked me to grab something for her, so I did, and when I came back she was muttering something about how pointless life is. She’s been going around and dating a bunch of different people and they make her happy for a while but then they break up and she gets really upset. ”

“ Could you be a little jealous? ”

Guillermo paused again, looking up to the wall. He was reminded of the way his heart ached when he heard about Meg, saw the beautiful ring he was going to offer to Gail, the way Nandor looked so sadly as he pulled him away from Jan. “ ...It’s… It’s possible. ”

“ Don’t forget, you don’t own her… ”

“ I know… ”

“ ...I’d say that the best thing to do in a situation like this is to tell her upfront that you want to be able to help her, but don’t force your help on her. If she declines your assistance, then she declines your assistance. Just make sure she knows help is there. And if you notice her getting worse, you tell somebody else, okay? Encourage her to see… a therapist. Or call a hotline. ”

“ ...Right. Thanks, Mama. ”

She smiled, giving him a hug. He paused, reciprocating it. “ I hope everything’ll work out for you and… What’s her name? ”

“ ...Nan… cy. Nancy- Nancy De Laurentiis. ”

“ Nancy. ” She smiled. “ You’ll have to invite her over for dinner sometime, let me meet her! ”

“Ah- Mama, I really don’t think that’d be necessary- ”

“ I’ll make Chile Verde. ”

“ ...Alright. I’ll… I’ll invite her over for dinner sometime. ”

“ Wonderful. Do your friends with the cameras want a cup of tea? Tea?”

Before Guillermo could properly protest that they should really be heading home, the crew were seated down around the coffee table having a lovely conversation over a pot of tea and a plate of Galletas de Nata. There was some footage that the editors ended up removing from the final cut of Guillermo hiding his face in shame as a man with a boom mic was showed his baby photos.

Eventually he was able to coax them out of the house and back to the train station. He got a few looks from bystanders noticing the random man with an old box in his arms being followed around by a camera crew, so he kept his voice low. “If- If  I find out anything from today gets out, I’ll make sure you guys are fired, alright? All of- All of the ‘Nancy’ stuff is a secret between us, cool? Cool, ok. Back home we go.”