Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Agent 4: I reserve the right to judge a movie based on when it was made, thank you very much.
Marie: You consider anything made before 2000 old and bad.
Agent 4: And I reserve that right! After all....
Agent 4: I bet you wouldn’t like the average movie made in 1879!
Marie: There were no movies made in 1879.
Agent 4: *slams table* WRONG! There was ONE movie made in 1879! The first movie! A zoopraxioscope of a horse galloping!
Neo 3: Oooh! Let’s go ask Cuttlefish if they saw it in theatres!

~~~

Callie: Anyone else feel good when their brain releases a bunch of endorphins?
Marie: Can't relate.
Agent 8: Why would my brain release a bunch of dolphins?

~Should I try to add jokes in the breaks?~

Cuttlefish: God has let me live another day and I'm going to make it everyone's problem. 

~~~

Marie: In your opinion, what is the height of stupidity? 
Captain 3, turning to Agent 8: How tall are you? 

~~~

Callie: So are you gonna explain how the hell you crashed my car? 
Agent 8: Well we were driving and there was a deer in the road, so I said "Captain 3, deer!" 
Callie: ...And what did Captain 3 do? 
Agent 8: ...They said "Yes, Honey?" 

~That last one was so perfect~

Cuttlefish: How does that even work? 
Agent 4, mocking them: hOw dO yOu UsE a cOmPUteR aNd KnOw wHaTS GoiNg oN iT DoEsNt mAke SeNSe?! 
Cuttlefish: Your face doesnt make sense. 

~Now I present Marie complaining about Four and Callie everyone~

Marie: The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was changing their name to Callie. 

~~~

Marie: I can't imagine what Agent 4 is planning. But I can tell you two things. We won't like it and it won't be legal. 

~~~

Captain 3: *is throwing stones at Marie's window* 
Marie: You have a phone for a reason, Captain 3! 
*THUD* 
Marie: DID YOU JUST THROW YOUR PHONE AT MY WINDOW?! 

~~~

Marie: Ow! 
Cuttlefish: What’s wrong? 
Marie: I have this weird pain right above my eyebrow. 
Cuttlefish: It’s called a stress headache. I got my first one when I was four.

~~~

Agent 8: I just found out from Callie today that when Agent 4 died and the service did the 21-gun salute at their funeral, Marie said, “They should aim at the coffin to be sure.” 

~I guess Four is dead now.~

Chapter Text

Agent 4: Tommorrow's garbage day. 
Agent 8: I can't believe they made a whole day dedicated to you. 

~~~

Callie: When Agent 8 was born, the gods said, "They're too perfect for this world." 
Cuttlefish: Please. When they were born, the devil said, "Oh, competition." 

~~~

Marie: *sighs* I have no friends... 
Callie: 
Callie: *coughs* Bitch, what am I? A roach?! 

~~~

Agent 8: So how’s the food Neo 3 made? 
Callie: It's great! Compliments to them. 
Agent 8: *goes to the kitchen* 
Agent 8: You're adorable. 
Neo 3: *blushes* 

~~~

Cuttlefish: When I was young, I left a trail of broken hearts like a rockstar. I'm not proud of it. 
Marie: You're kind of proud of it. You work it into a lot of conversations.

~~~

Marie: You use humor to deflect your trauma. 
Captain 3: Awww, thanks- 
Marie: That’s not a good thing. 
Captain 3: All I’m hearing is that you think I’m funny. 

~~~

Agent 4: Why were you up yesterday until 3am? 
Captain 3: How did you know I was up until 3am? 
Neo 3: We could hear you clapping to the FRIENDS intro every 25 minutes. 

~~~

Agent 8: Is five a lot of followers? 
Captain 3: Depends on the context. 
Captain 3: On Instagram? No, not a lot of followers. 
Captain 3: In a dark alley? Yes, a lot of followers. 

~~~

Chapter Text

Agent 8 on after their 100th attempt at inner agent 3: You gotta draw the line somewhere! You gotta draw a fuckin' line in the sand, dude! You gotta make a statement! You gotta look inside yourself and say, 'what am I willing to put up with today?' NOT FUCKIN' THIS!!

~So I'm doing custom ones now on occasion. Neat.~

Octavio: Some people say that I have a god complex. I’d like to think that I’m a complex god. 

~~~

Captain 3 after the events of the Metro: The risk I took was calculated but, man, am I bad at math. 

~~~

Sheldon: Everyone knows that Santa is an invention designed by the big five corporations to sell tinsel and video games to an unsuspecting public. 
Neo 3: The whole “childhood wonder” stage just blew right past you, didn’t it? 

~~~

Octavio: Petition to remove the 'd' from Wednesday. 
Agent 8: Wednesay. 
Octavio: Not what I had in mind, but I'm flexible. 

~~~

Captain 3: Ah, Hello again. We really need to stop meeting like this. 
Octavio: Maybe we would, if you would STOP BREAKING INTO MY FUCKING HOUSE!!! 

~~~

Marie: Uptown Funk would've made it into the Shrek Soundtrack. 
Callie: That's the truest statement I've ever heard. 

~~~

Police: You’re under arrest for trying to carry three people on a single motorcycle. 
Captain 3, with Agent 4 and Neo 3 behind them: Wait, what do you mean THREE?! 
Police: Yes…three. 
Captain 3: Oh, my God— What the fuck!? 
Police: Wha- 
Captain 3: Agent 8 FUCKING FELL OFF! 

~~~

Marie: "Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves." 
Captain 3: ... 
Captain 3: What a stupid fucking quote. 
Captain 3: I'm killing way more than two people, idiot. 

~~~

Sheldon, ordering Starbucks: Hey, I just got my heart broken, what do you recommend? 
Captain 3, who’s running the drive thru: … 
Captain 3: Tequila. 

~Poor Sheldon~

Captain 3: You’re starting to look like me more and more every day— 
Neo 3: *Bursts into tears* 
Captain 3: Why are you crying? 
Neo 3: You’re ugly! I don’t want to look like you! *sobs* 

~~~

Captain 3: If you took a shot for every time you made a bad decision, how drunk would you be? 
Callie: Maybe a bit tipsy? 
Agent 4: Drunk. 
Marie: Wasted. 
Neo 3: Dead. 

~I think Marie is more aware of her decisions than Callie.~

Agent 8, sweating: Captain 3, there’s something I need to ask you- 
Captain 3: Finally! You’re proposing! 
Agent 8: How’d you know? 
Captain 3: Agent 8, you’ve dropped the ring five times during dinner. 
Captain 3: I even picked it up once. 

~~~

Captain 3: I fell— 
Agent 4: From heaven? 
Captain 3: No, I literally fell— 
Agent 4: In love with me the moment you saw me? 
Captain 3: MY ARM IS BROKEN! 
Agent 4: Okay, but do you think I'm pretty? Be honest. 

~~~

Agent 8: So oxygen went on a date with potassium, it went... OK. 
Agent 4: I thought oxygen was dating magnesium, OMG. 
Agent 8: Actually oxygen first asked nitrogen out, but nitrogen was all like NO. 
Octavio: I thought oxygen had that double bond with the hydrogen twins. 
Callie: Looks like someone's a HO. 
Agent 4: NaBrO. 
Marie: I'm done with all of you! 

~~~

Neo 3: Fuck capitalism. It's a rigged system that keeps us poor and it isn't fair. You shouldn't need to work three jobs to afford basic necessities. 
Neo 3, playing Monopoly: Sorry, if you wanted to win you should have tried not being poor. 

~Now I'm tempted to write a fic about the agents playing monopoly. Would you guys gals and nonbinary pals like that? I could probably make it.~

Callie: Octavio has discovered "deez nuts" jokes and it's all they say now. Everything is deez nuts. They simply can't stop. 
Callie: I asked Octavio where they learned that joke. They made me promise they wouldn't get in trouble if they told me. I agreed. 
Callie: So they lean in and whisper, "deez nuts." 

~~~

Agent 8: Don't joke about murder. I was murdered once and it offends me.

~~~

Agent 8: If there’s one thing I learned from Captain 3, it’s to set people’s expectations real low, so you end up surprising them by practically doing nothing at all. 

~~~

Sheldon: I need you to come meet me, and I need you to come alone. 
Agent 8: And I need you to be less vague and weird. 

~~~

Agent 8: So, are they your friend or... 
Agent 4: They’re like Marie, but if Marie was ordered to be around you. 
Agent 8: Oh, so Cuttlefish. 
Agent 4: Precisely! 

~~~

Chapter Text

Neo 3: Sometimes I wonder if I’m hearing voices. 
Neo 3: Then I remember that’s the last bit of sanity I have trying to get me to fall asleep at a reasonable time. 

~~~

Neo 3: And now for a gay update with Captain 3 and Agent 8. 
Captain 3: Getting gayer. 
Neo 3: Thank you, Captain 3. 

~~~

Agent 8: If I didn't know any better, I'd say you're impressed. 
Captain 3: But you do know better. 

~~~

Captain 3: Agent 8, my old friend! 
Agent 8: I think you tried to kill me at some point. 
Captain 3: That was obviously just my way of getting to know you. 

~~~

Agent 8: You saved me! Why? 
Captain 3: People would think I murdered you if I didn't. 

~~~

Agent 8: Here you go, Captain 3, a nice hot cup of coffee! 
Captain 3: It's cold. 
Agent 8: A nice cup of coffee. 
Captain 3: It's horrible! 
Agent 8: Cup of coffee. 
Captain 3: I'm not sure if this even IS coffee. 
Agent 8: A  C U P. 

~~~

Captain 3: What's two plus two? 
Neo 3: Math. 
Captain 3: ...I will accept that answer. 

~~~

*playing twister* 
Neo 3: Right hand red. 
Captain 3: *ends up on top of Agent 8* 
Agent 8: You're doing this on purpose, aren't you? 
Neo 3: I stopped spinning like 15 minutes ago. Honestly, I'm surprised you didn't notice. 

~~~

Captain 3, to Agent 8: I mean, I get complimented all the time- 
Neo 3: *starts cackling* 
Captain 3: I do! 
Neo 3: *laughs harder* 

~~~

Neo 3: What, in the name of sanity, have you got on your head? 
Captain 3: It's a fez, I wear a fez now. Fezzes are cool. 
Agent 8: *snatches the fez, throws it in the air* 
Neo 3: *shoots it* 

~~~

Agent 8: Neo 3 got into a fight. 
Captain 3: That’s bad. 
Captain 3: 
Captain 3: Did they win? 

~~~

Captain 3: Agent 8, Neo 3, I love y’all and all, but can I ask what in the hell are you doing? 
Agent 8, trying to stabilize a tower of folding chairs that Neo 3 is sitting atop: Oh nothing much. 
Neo 3: I love you too :) 

~~~

Agent 8, Entering Captain 3's room: Neo 3 did it again. 
Captain 3: Peace disturbance? 
Agent 8: What no- 
Captain 3: Arson..? 
Agent 8: NO, JESUS CHRIST, HOW MANY- 
Captain 3: uh....Attempted murder? 
Agent 8: NO, THEY ATE ALL THE FOOD IN THE FRIDGE, BUT WHAT THE FU- 

~~~

Neo 3: The results are in, I’m afraid you have updog… 
Captain 3: What’s updog? 
Neo 3: Agent 8! Get in here, I told you I could do it! 

~~~

Neo 3: I woke up and chose VIOLENCE. I WILL COMMIT ARSON AND BURN EVERYTHING TO THE GROUND!!! I AM ANGRY- 
Captain 3: Awwww, you’re so adorable! Give me a hug~ 
Neo 3: Wh-What? nO, yOURE SUPPOSED TO BE SCARED OF ME! TREMBLE BEFORE MY WRATH- 
Agent 8, recording: This is so cute. 

~And that is probably how Neo got adopted by the agent 24 couple.~

Agent 8: I dare you- 
Captain 3: Neo 3 is not allowed to accept dares anymore. 
Agent 8: Why not? 
Neo 3: "I have no regard for my own or others personal safety", as some would say. 

~~~

*Something crashes* 
Neo 3: Shoot- 
Agent 8: *running into the room in a panic* WHAT FELL?! 
Captain 3: *walking by the room calmly* What died? 

~~~

Captain 3: I apologize for saying 'fuck' in front of Agent 8. 
Neo 3: You just said it again. 
Agent 8:...
Captain 3: I am not a role model. 

~~~

Neo 3: Don't worry, I've got a few knives up my sleeve. 
Agent 8: I think you mean cards. 
Captain 3: They did not. 
Neo 3, pulling out knives: I did not. 

~And that is where i'll need to leave of, got to do life things like sleep unfortunately. I could make infinite quotes for this trio specifically but for now this is what I will give to the world. Enjoy your days/nights.~

Chapter Text

Little Buddy: Good morning! 
Captain 3, checking their watch: Correct. 

~~~

Captain 3: While I'm gone, you're in charge Agent 4. 
Agent 4: Yes! 
Captain 3, whispering to Agent 8: You're secretly in charge, but I don't want them to feel bad. 
Agent 8: Obviously. 

~~~

Little Buddy, in a room with Agent 4, Captain 3, and Neo 3: It’s calm in here. 
Little Buddy: It scares me… 

~~~

Neo 3: The greatest trick the devil ever played was getting me banned from an all you can eat pizza buffet. 
Agent 4: Why’d you get banned? 
Neo 3: Touched the rat. 
Agent 4: … What rat? 
Neo 3: Chunky Cheese. 

~~~

Captain 3: Guess who just found out the difference between wax paper and parchment paper the hard way? 
Neo 3: Wait, what’s the difference? 
Captain 3: One you can use in the oven safely, and the other you can also use in the oven... if the thing you are trying to make happens to be fire. 

~~~

Neo 3, reading a recipe: Beat three eggs? 
Agent 4: It means like in hand-to-hand combat. 
Neo 3: Ohhhh- 
Agent 8: Both of you get out of this kitchen. 

~Its official now, Agent 8 is the one who cooks.~

Neo 3: You don't think I can fight because of my gender! 
Captain 3: I don't think you can fight because you're in a wedding dress. For what it's worth, I don't think Agent 8 can fight in that dress either. 
Agent 8: Perhaps not. But I would make a radiant bride. 

~~~

Agent 4: Not gonna lie, I'm kind of afraid of Captain 3... 
Neo 3: As you should be. 
Agent 4: No, for real, they're kind of- 
Neo 3: As. You. Should. Be.

~~~

Neo 3: Why are your tongues purple? 
Captain 3: We had slushies. I had a blue one. 
Agent 8: I had a red one. 
Neo 3: oh. 
Neo 3: 
Neo 3: OH. 
Little Buddy: 
Little Buddy: You drank eachothers slushies? 

~And that is why I am conflicted on certain options available on the generator. They funny but also they be a bit much.~

Agent 4: What do you call a dictionary on drugs? 
Captain 3: If you say "addict-ionary" I swear I will cut you. 
Agent 4: I was actually going to say "high definition", but your answer's much better. 
Captain 3: ... 

~~~

Agent 8: Hey, Captain 3. What kind of flowers do you prefer? 
Captain 3: I like sunflowers. 
Agent 8, pulling out a bouquet of Venus Flytraps: Well, shit- 

~~~

Agent 8: How much did you spend on this date? 
Captain 3: $1400. But all of it's on credit cards, so it's like $5 a month for the next 2,000 years. 

~Why is this just turning into a Eight/Captain chapter? That was not the intention.~

Captain 3 to Neo 3: First rule of battle, little one... don’t ever let them know where you are. 
Agent 4, shooting out of frame: WHOO-HOO! I’M RIGHT HERE! I’M RIGHT HERE! YOU WANT SOME O’ ME?! YEAH YOU DO! COME ON! COME ON! AAAAAH! Whoo-hoo! 
Captain 3: 'Course, there’re other schools of thought. 

~~~

Agent 8: So, Captain 3 is no longer allowed to take the trash out at night. 
Agent 4: Why? 
Agent 8: Because I've caught them trying to train raccoons to fight five times in a row. 
Captain 3, arms crossed and pouting: You'll be thanking me when the third raccoon battalion saves your ass. 

~~~

Neo 3, T-posing in the doorway:  Greetings, Captain 3. 
Captain 3, not looking up from their coffee: Good morning, problem child. 

~~~

Neo 3: I’ve been here in jail so long I think I’ve lost my mind. 
Neo 3: The days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months. 
Neo 3: How long have I been in here now? Almost a year? 
Agent 8: This is Monopoly. 

~Another quote to add to the monopoly fic.~

Agent 4: If I die, you can have what little I own. 
Captain 3: Wait. What do you mean "if" you die? 
Agent 4: My unending existence is fuelled by pure spite, that of which the painful experiences of life have rendered me full. 
Captain 3: 
Captain 3: *Sighs* Let me call your therapist again. 

~Captain 3: Hey Marie? Yeah Four's attempting to spite the gods again.~

Agent 8: There are some things beyond our understanding. We must accept them and learn from them. Because these moments of crisis are also potential moments of faith. A time, when we either come together or fall apart. Nature always has a way of balancing itself. The only question is, what part will we play? 
Captain 3: Did you just make that up? 
Agent 8: No. I read it in a fortune cookie once. 
Captain 3: 
Agent 8: A really long fortune cookie. 

~~~

Captain 3: So, Neo 3, do you have a crush on anyone? 
Neo 3: The only crush I have is this crushing anxiety. 

~~~

Neo 3: On the count of three, what’s your favorite cake? 
Neo 3 & Agent 4: One, two, three- 
Neo 3 & Agent 4: Chocolate cake, peanutbutter frosting, and chocolate chunks! 
Captain 3: Our turn, Agent 8! One, two, three- 
Captain 3: Vanilla! 
Agent 8: I’ve never had cake before. What is cake? 

~~~

Captain 3, after watching Agent 4 get shot by someone: You’re dead. You are very dead. When you are a corpse I will hack away at your flesh and eat you raw. 
Agent 4: Captain 3, I’m not dead yet. 
Captain 3: Let me have my moment of rage to avenge you. 
Agent 4: I’d prefer it if you didn’t let me die!

~~~

Neo 3: *finds a note* Hmm, whats this? 
Captain 3: Hey, that's mine! *tries to grab it* 
Neo 3: Aww, it's a love note for Agent 8? 
Captain 3: No- 
Neo 3: *opens it* 
Neo 3: 
Captain 3: 
Neo 3: I can't read this. 

~~~

Agent 4: Captain 3 has no idea I’m high. 
Captain 3: You’re high? 
Agent 4: Oh, I’m sorry. 
Agent 4, leaning over to Agent 8: Captain 3 has no idea I’m high. 

~~~

Captain 3: I don't need to go to bed. I'm not tired, I'll be fine. 
Agent 8: But, darling, I'll be so lonely without you. Come curl up in my arms so I can feel whole again. 
Captain 3: O-oh. Well. Are you trying to seduce me into healthy sleeping patterns?? 
Agent 8: Is it working? 

~~~

Neo 3, watching Agent 4 and Captain 3 fight: Are you sure they should be fighting? What if they get hurt? 
Agent 8, not bothered by the chaos: It’s fine. They’re too evenly matched to hurt each other. 
Neo 3: Then... who’s the strongest out of you three? 
Agent 4: Agent 8. 
Captain 3: Agent 8. 
Agent 8: Me. 

~~~

Neo 3: Damn, Agent 8, are you secretly cool? 
Agent 8: Well, poker is just math, so I guess it depends on if you consider the mathematician, Carl Friedrich Gauss, cool. 
Neo 3: I do not. 

~AND A POKER FIC IDEA IS BORN. I could do a crossover with poker night at the inventory! Russian man meets short squid people.~

Captain 3: Where are you going? 
Neo 3: To either get ice cream or commit a felony. I'll decide on the way. 

~~~

Agent 4: Hey, I say we go down there, kick Neo 3’s door in, and let them know that we’re in town. 
Agent 8: That ain’t the way we do things here. We may have to go in there and run a con, drop a bug, do the smooth talking. 
Agent 4: Okay, you come with me, you do the smooth talking, let’s go. 
Agent 8: No, we just can’t go in there and kick down Neo 3’s door. We need a plan. 
Agent 4: Well who makes the plans? 
Agent 8: Captain 3. 
Agent 4: Captain 3, what's the plan? 
Captain 3:You guys are gonna go down there, kick Neo 3’s door in, let them know you’re in town. 

~~~

Captain 3: Why are you late? 
Agent 4: A technical error occurred, causing an unexpectedly long bout of unconsciousness. 
Captain 3: Overslept? 
Agent 4: Overslept. 

~~~

Agent 8: I’m in love with you. 
Captain 3: We called off the prank war last night at midnight, dork. 
Agent 8: I know. 
Captain 3: Ah. Okay. Um. Cool. Neat. Very cool. Cool. Cool. Coolcoolcool- 

~~~

Agent 4: Why would you think any of this was a good idea?! 
Captain 3: Probably because I’m a dangerous sociopath with a long line of violence. 
Agent 4: Oh... 
Neo 3, from across the room: *from across the room* I don’t understand how you keep forgetting that. 

~~~

Agent 8: Everyone thinks I'm this soft cute person but I'm not! 
Captain 3: Agent 8, you cried for an hour after stepping on a bug yesterday. 
Agent 8: It had feelings! It was probably going home to dinner and I killed it! 
Agent 4: ...It was a bug. 
Agent 8: It was a BEETLE, and its wife is definitely worried sick, wondering where it is, and I really don't get why you all think I'm so sentimental because I'm not! 
Captain 3: ... 
Agent 4: ... 
Agent 8: Stop looking at me like that! 

~~~

Captain 3: I’m so happy two of my favorite people are getting along now. 
Neo 3: Uh, Agent 4 and Agent 8 are not getting along. 
Captain 3: They’re not trying to kill each other. 
Neo 3: You may have a point. 

~~~

Captain 3, at the slightest provocation: I came into this earth screaming and covered in someone else's blood and and I'm not afraid to leave the same way. 

~~~

Agent 4: Is stabbing someone immoral? 
Captain 3: Not if they consent to it. 
Neo 3: Depends on who your stabbing. 
Agent 8: YES??!!? 

~~~

Agent 4: Today at 7 am, Captain 3 poured a Monster energy drink in their coffee, said "I'm going to die" and drank the whole thing. 
Neo 3: I watched Captain 3 brew their coffee with Monster instead of water. Three cups in two hours. I think they ascended into the astral realm. 
Agent 8: The survivability of the Inkling race never fails to amaze me. 

~~~

Chapter Text

Frye: Treat spiders the way you want to be treated! 
Shiver: Killed without hesitation. 

~~~

Pearl: Isn't it weird that people kill mosquitoes just because they're annoying? 
Frye: Damn, if people did that to each other, Shiver would've killed me years ago. 

~~~

Marie: You’ve got to learn to love yourself. 
Big Man: But don't you hate yourself. 
Marie: Yeah, but this is about you. Stay focused. 

~~~

Marina, Frye & Marie: *screaming* 
Big Man: *runs into the room* What's wrong, Marie?! 
Marina: Wait, why are you asking Marie that when Frye and I are also here? 
Big Man: Because Marie wouldn't scream unless it's an emergency. You two scream whenever you have the chance. 

~~~

Shiver, watching power lines fall down: Big Man, Frye! The town is exploding and it's very pretty! 

~~~

Shiver: Why don't we just call it, "M.C. Donald's?" 
Marie: Because it just sounds like a stupid rapper's name. 
Pearl: It'd just be like- "Eyo, it's ya boy, M.C. Donald!" 

~~~

Marie: What did you two do? 
Shiver: 
Frye: 
Big Man:
Marie: You’re not in trouble, I just need to know if I have to lie to the police again or not. 

~~~

Pearl, rubbing their temples: I am not proud of what I am about to say, but someone get me a cigarrette. 
Frye: But Pearl, we don't smoke. 
Pearl: Cut the crap, Frye. I'm not an idiot. I know that one in five people smoke. 
Pearl: *points at Marie* One! *points at Big Man* Two! *points at Marina* Three! *points at Shiver* Four! *points at Frye* Five! 
Pearl: Now, I am going to close my eyes, and when I open them, there better be a cigarrette between these two fingers! 
Shiver: *puts a cigarrette in Pearl's hand* 
Pearl: Thank you. ...Light? 
The Squad: *all simultaneously pull out lighters* 

~~~

Frye: I give up. I am so tired. 
Pearl: Get the emergency supply! 
Big Man: *carries Marie and places them in front of Frye* 
Marie: *smiles* 
Frye: AND I AM BACK BABY, LET’S GOOO 

~~~

Marina: They... well, I wouldn't call it inheritance per se. What do you call it when you kill someone and get their stuff? 
Marie: Um, murder??? 
Frye: Adventuring! 
Shiver: Tuesday. 

~~~

Callie: I mean, sure, I have my bad days, but then I remember what a cute smile I have. 

~~~

Pearl: Big Man, you’re offered 500,000 dollars, but, if you accept it, the person you hate the most in the world gets 1,000,000 dollars. Would you take it? 
Big Man: Of course! I mean, why wouldn’t I want 1,500,000 dollars? 

~Big man nooo.~

Marie: *gets a text* Oh! It’s Shiver. 
Frye, excitedly: Did they get me the stuff? 
Marie: Yeah, they say they got you the clown costume, the power drill, and 12 gallons of blood. 
Frye: Wow! Where’d they find 12 gallons of fake blood? 
Marie: You wanted fake blood? 
Frye: 
Marie: I’ll go call Shiver. 

'_'

~~~

Frye: I'm going to get myself some soup. 
Shiver: Be careful not to burn yourself, it's hot. 
Frye: Pfft, I won't burn myself. 
*30 seconds later* 
Frye, entering the room: I burned myself. 

~~~

Marie: ...This is one of those moments where it doesn't really matter what I have to say, isn't it? 

~~~

Frye: I'm a firm believer in "if you're going to fail, you might as well fail spectacularly." 

~~~

Frye: But that’s censorship. 
Callie: Well done. You are correct. You’re being censored. Now go. 

~~~

Big Man: When I said you should try being friendlier this isn't what I meant. 
Frye, stirring a cup of tea aggressively: Oh, so now I'm TOO friendly? There's no pleasing you. 
Shiver, who broke into their house an hour ago: Two sugars please. 
Frye: Coming right up. 

~~~

Marie: We call that a traumatic experience. 
Marie, turning to Pearl: Not a "bruh moment". 
Marie, turning to Big Man: Not "sadge". 
Marie, turning to Shiver: And DEFINITELY not an "oof LMAO". 

~~~

Pearl: I think it’s time I get my life in order. 
Marina, narrating: But they did not get their life in order. In fact, they got drunk last night and fought a raccoon. 

~~~

Marina: Could you be anymore annoying? 
Frye: Yes. 

~~~

Frye: What if mayonnaise came in cans? 
Pearl: Well, that would suck because you can't microwave metal. 
Marie: Good morning to everyone except these two people. 

~~~

Frye: Sweet dog you got there. 
Police: Yes, this is our new drug sniffing dog. 
Frye: Still training huh? 
Police: What do you mean? 
Frye: 
Frye: Never mind. 

~~~

Frye: You bought a taco? 
Marie: Yes. 
Frye: From the same truck that hit Shiver?! 
Marie, with a mouthful of taco: Well, me starving ain't gonna help them. 

~~~

Big Man: Look guys, I need help. 
Callie: Love help? 
Pearl: Financial help? 
Marina: Emotional help? 
Shiver: Help moving a body? 
*Everybody looks at Shiver* 
Shiver: What? 

~~~

Pearl: Every zoo is a petting zoo unless you’re a coward. 
Marina: I’m worried about you. 

~~~

Frye: Just so everyone knows, don't ever try to climb a tree at night carrying a strobe light, owls DON'T like it. 
Big Man: ...what happened? 
Frye: I made a VERY bad mistake. 

~~~

Big Man, answering the phone: Hello? 
Shiver: It’s Shiver. 
Big Man: What did they do this time? 
Shiver: No, it’s me, Shiver. It’s actually me. 
Big Man: What did you do this time? 

~~~

Marie: An Apple a day keeps the Doctor away! 
Shiver: An Apple a day can keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough. 

~And Shiver is just a dangerous psycopath now. That kinda got established earlier but now its solid proof.~

Big Man: Hey, you want a tarot reading? 
Callie: Those are Pokemon cards. 
Big Man: You got a magikarp. 
Callie: ... 
Big Man: It means 'fuck you'. 

~~~

Callie: I couldn't do this without you, Marie. 
Marie: Sure you could. Not as stylishly, of course. 

~~~

Pearl: I don’t remember that. 
Marina: Do you remember that night last week when you slept in a revolving door? 
Pearl: ...No. 
Marina: Okay, do you remember when you were chased by those wild dogs for two miles? 
Pearl: Not especially, no. 
Marina: It was in between those two things. 

~~~

Marie: I’m afraid of clowns. There, I said it. 
Callie: Marie, if you don't like clowns, why are you hanging with Frye? 

~~~

Shiver: My stomach growled super loud in French. 
Shiver: I would like to clarify, my stomach did not speak in French. It growled during French class. 
Pearl: Bonjour. 
Marie: Le growl. 
Frye: Hon hon hon, feed me a baguette. 

~~~

Shiver: It’s nice to be wanted, you know? 
Callie: Not by the law! 

~~~

Pearl, texting: Answer your phone 
Callie, texting back: Wait a minute, I can’t find my phone 
Pearl: Understood 
Pearl, 5 minutes later: You’re a terrible person. You know you’re killing me. You’re killing me, Callie. 

~~~

Shiver: Damn, the power went out. 
Big Man: Don’t worry, I got this. 
Big Man: *shakes rapidly and starts to light up* 
Shiver: What-? 
Big Man: I swallowed a glow stick! 
Shiver, on the verge of tears: WHY WOULD YOU- 

~~~

Marie: I keep a picture of all of us in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties, I take it out and stare at the picture. 
The Idols: Awwww- 
Marie: And I tell myself "If I can deal with these idiots, then I can deal with anything." 
The Idols: Oh. 

~~~

Chapter Text

Cuttlefish: Truth or dare? 
Marina: Truth. 
Cuttlefish: How many hours have you slept this week? 
Marina: 
Marina: Dare. 
Cuttlefish: Go to sleep. 
Marina: I don't like this game. 

~~~

Marina: No, this is not a mess. You know what I consider a mess? 
Pearl: Your life? 
Marina: I- well yes, but- 

~~~

Marina: Cuttlefish! I thought you were dead! 
Cuttlefish: No, just in deep cover. 
Marina: ...But it was an open casket. 
Cuttlefish: It was very deep. 

~~~

Pearl: What’s the dumbest thing you believed as a child? 
Agent 8: That naptime was a punishment. 

~~~

Marina: WHO ATE MY BREAD?! 
Marina: I'M GOING TO FUCKING K- 
Agent 8: I did? 
Marina: Kiss you and buy some more, you haven't been eating anything today Agent 8. 
*walking away* 
Agent 8: 
Agent 8: Their gone Pearl. 
Pearl, coming out the closet with bread stuffed in their mouth: Twankh uh! 

~~~

Pearl: You can track Cuttlefish? 
Marina: Of course I can. If the NSA can do it, so can I. 

~~~

Marina: What's the most efficient way to burn calories? 
Pearl: Exercise more! 
Cuttlefish: Set yourself on fire. 
Agent 8: There are two kinds of people. 

~~~

Cuttlefish: Agent 8, get that hidious thing out of the living room, would you? 
Agent 8: Pearl, Cuttlefish wants you to get out of the house. 

~~~

Agent 8: I’m the smartest, wisest person in this group. 
Pearl: Really? Then why is your hand stuck in a vending machine? 
Agent 8: I paid for my Mars Bar, I’m getting my Mars Bar. 

~~~

Cuttlefish: How would you like your coffee? 
Agent 8: As dark as my soul. 
Cuttlefish: Got it, one cup of milk coming right up! 

~~~

Cuttlefish: Drink your school, stay in sleep, don't do milk and get 8 hours of drugs. 

~~~

Pearl: honk. 
Marina: WHAT. 
Pearl: HONK. 
Marina: WHAT DOES HONK MEAN THIS TIME YOU WHIMSICAL PIECE OF SHIT????? 

~~~

Marina: When surrendering, Agent 8 is to hand the sword over HILT first. 

~~~

Pearl: Holy shit, Cuttlefish, do you know what this means?! 
Cuttlefish: Kid, whenever you start doing this, nobody knows what you mean. 

~~~

Pearl: Do you cook? 
Agent 8: I made a cake once. 
Cuttlefish: Yeah, it was good. 
Agent 8: Really? 
Cuttlefish: Don’t make me lie twice, Agent 8. 

~~~

Agent 8: Hey Pearl, can you give me the opposite of these words? 
Agent 8: Always, Coming, From, Take, Me, Down. 
Pearl: Never, Going, To, Give, You- 
Pearl: The fucking satisfaction. 

~~~

Marina: My hands are cold. 
Pearl: Here, let me hold them. 
Marina: My lips are cold too. 
Pearl: *covers Marina's mouth with their hand* 

~~~

Agent 8: I can do anything I put my mind to. I once figured out Pearl's phone number just by choosing random numbers. 

~~~

Agent 8: I need life advice. 
Pearl, sipping Gatorade and eating cookie dough: You came to the right person. 

~~~

Cuttlefish: So I can either do something dumb that could very well get me injured or I can listen to Marina and not do the thing, 
Cuttlefish: Well there’s a clear right answer here. 
Cuttlefish: *proceeds to throw five packs of mentos into a barrel full of diet coke* 

~~~

Marina: Did you have to stab them? 
Agent 8: You weren’t there. You didn’t hear what they said to me. 
Marina: What did they say? 
Agent 8: "What are you going to do, stab me?" 
Marina: That’s fair. 

~~~

Marina: Do you ever wonder why you're still single? 
Pearl, eating mayonnaise straight out of the jar with a spoon: Yeah... I mean, I'm perfect! Who wouldn't want to date me? 
Marina, sighing: I can name a few people... 

~~~

Pearl: I think I did fairly well on my anatomy quiz! :) 
Agent 8: I forgot I was doing a test. 
Pearl: Agent 8. 
Agent 8: I said the vertebrae was the back stick because I thought it was funny.... 
Marina: Agent 8. 

~~~

Pearl: *cocks gun* Go to Bed. This is no longer a request, This is now a Threat. 

~~~

Agent 8: A mosquito tried to bite me and I slapped it and killed it. 
Agent 8: And I started thinking. 
Agent 8: Like, it was just trying to get food. 
Agent 8: What if I went to the fridge and it just slammed the door shut and snapped my neck? 
Cuttlefish: Are you ok? 

~~~

Murderer: Any last words? 
Agent 8: Do you think I'm cute? Be honest. 

~~~

Marina: I'm sorry. Please talk to me. 
Pearl: 
Marina: Hello? World's most amazing person?? Sweet pea? Precious cinnamon roll that's too good for this world, too pure? 
Pearl: 'Sorry' doesn't bring back my fucking M&Ms. 

~~~

Pearl: You’re an idiot. 
Cuttlefish: That’s the charm. 

~~~

Agent 8: I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say ‘wow’ that many times during their first session with a client, but here we are. 

~~~

Marina, trying to comfort Agent 8: What's the problem? Anxiety? Low self-esteem? Obsessive thoughts of random arson? I've been there. 

~WHAT IS WITH ARSON IN THIS FIC?~

Agent 8: Hey, Marina? Can I get some dating advice? 
Marina: Just because I'm with Pearl doesn't mean I know how I did it. 

~~~

Pearl: Go big or go home! 
Marina: Please, for once in your life just go home. I'm begging you. Go. Home. 
Pearl: I'm going big! 

~~~

Cuttlefish: No more making fun of me when I misuse dated cultural references, alright? Are we cowabunga on this? 
Pearl, sighing: Fine. We're cowabunga. 

~~~

Cuttlefish: Ooh, somebody has a crush 
Marina: Pfft, I don’t have a crush on Pearl I just think they’re cool, it’s not like I stay up at night thinking about them. 
*Later that night* 
Marina, very much awake: Uh oh. 

~~~

Agent 8: I don’t go looking for trouble. Trouble usually finds me first. 

~~~

Pearl: Oh, so when crows remember people who wronged them and hold grudges, its “intelligent” and “really cool”. 
Pearl: But when I do it, I’m “petty” and “need to let it go”. 

~~~

Pearl: Why is Agent 8 crying? 
Marina: They saw a leaf on the sidewalk and- 
Agent 8: IT LOOKED SO CRUNCHY! 
Pearl: Please don’t say what I think you’re gonna say- 
Agent 8: AND WHEN I STEPPED ON IT THERE WAS NO CRUNCH! 
Pearl: NO, NOT THAT! 

~~~

Agent 8: Sometimes, I don’t realize an event was traumatic until I tell it as a funny story and notice everyone is staring at me weird. 

~~~

Pearl: Agent 8 has no survival skills, their need to win has replaced them. 
Cuttlefish: That can't be true! 
Pearl: Watch this. 
Pearl: Hey Agent 8, race you to the bottom of the stairs! 
Agent 8: *Throws themself out a window* 

~~~

Marina, handing out popsicles: Which flavor do you want? 
Agent 8: Blue flavor! 
Marina: Uh, you mean Blue Raspberry? 
Agent 8: Blue flavor! Blue flavor! 
Marina: Blue is not a flavor! 
Agent 8: BLUE FLAVOR! 

~~~

Cuttlefish: I'm feeling it! What am I feeling? Death, probably. 

~~~

Pearl: Who wants to make fifty bucks? 
Marina: How? 
Pearl: I need someone to take the fall. 
Marina: What did you do? 
Pearl: I can't tell you. Yes or no, no questions asked. 
Cuttlefish, from the other room: Oh my god. 
Pearl: ... 
Cuttlefish: OH MY GOD! 
Marina: Make it a hundred. 
Pearl: Deal. 

~~~

Cuttlefish: Hey I just got a pet snake. What should I name him? 
Marina: A pet WHAT?! 
Agent 8: William Snakespeare. 

~~~

Agent 8: You’re giving me a sticker? 
Cuttlefish: Not just a sticker. That is a sticker of a kitty saying “me-wow!” 
Agent 8: I’m not a preschooler. 
Cuttlefish: Fine, I’ll take it back- 
Agent 8: I earned this, back off! 

~~~

Pearl: I love sarcasm! It’s like punching people in the face, but with words! 

~~~

Pearl: Now, the recipe calls for 2 shots of vodka. 
Pearl: *upends the bottle* 

~~~

Pearl: You know you've made it when you see your picture everywhere you go. 
Cuttlefish: Those are wanted posters! 

~~~

Chapter Text

Four: You hit, agent?
Random NSS agent: N-No sir.
Four: Then listen up!
Four: When I joined the Corps, we didn't have any fancy-schmancy tanks. We had sticks! Two sticks, and a rock for the whole splatoon—and we had to share the rock! Buck up, boy, you are one very lucky agent!
Other NSS agent: What about that Octostomp?
Four: We've all run the simulations- their tough, but they ain't invincible. Stay with Agent Three. They'll know what to do.
Other NSS agent: Yes sir Sergeant.
Agent Eight: Thanks for the tank. Three never gets me anything.
Four: Oh, I know what the ladies like...

~Halo Quotes today then, decided to lead with a classic.~

Marie when Four does... anything really: I'm not your mommy.

~~~

Four: You heard the lady. Move like you got a purpose!
Marie on the intercom: This is not a drill. I repeat this is not a drill.
Four: Once again, it is our job to finish what the flyboys started. We are leaving this ship splatoon, and engaging the Octarians on solid ground. When we meet the enemy, we will rip their skulls from their spines, and toss 'em away, laughin'! Am I right, agents?
A group of random NSS agents: Sir, yes sir!
Four: Mmh- hmm. Damn right I am. Now move it! Double-time!

~~~

An octoling soldier: Fuzzy Octarian ships! Staggered line! Ship Master, they outnumber us, three to one!
Octavio: Then it is an even fight. All cruisers fire at will. Burn their mongrel hides!

~~~

Four: Who's the man?
Four responding to themself: You are! THANK YOU!

~~~

Little Buddy getting infected by the Fooze: Ain't I supposed to be immune to this?

~~~

Neo: We came, we saw, and we kicked your asses!

~~~

Four while checking Octoling bodies: Hey Eight, this one looks like your sister.

~~~

Sheldon: The plating was about to fail. There's viscosity throughout the gel layer. optics? Totally fried and lets not even talk about the power supply. You know how expensive this gear is Agent Three?
Three: Tell that to the Octarians.

~~~

Three: You told me there wouldn't be any cameras.
Callie: And you told me you were gonna wear something nice.
Callie: Folks need heroes Three, to give 'em hope, so smile would ya, while we still got something to smile about!

~~~

Marina: Octavio stop.
Octavio: Hmm, impossible.
Marina: Put down the icon.
Octavio: Put it down and disobey the CEO?
Marina: There are things about Alterna even Grizz does not understand.
Octavio: Take care engineer, what you say is heresy.
Marina: Is it? O.R.C.A what is Alterna's perpose?
O.R.C.A: Collectively, the domes of-
Octavio: Not another word!
Four: Please. Don't shake the lightbulb.

~~~

Cuttlefish: Agent Three, do you mind telling me what you're doing on that ship?
Three: Sir, finishing this fight.

~~~

Captain Three: We are just one splatoon… and an old one at that. But here we are. A hundred years past what anyone could ask of us.
Our war is gone. The lives we had are gone. The world we knew has moved on.
And now, all that we may have left are those standing beside us and the duty that defines us – battle after battle, fighting side-by-side together.
Where you see half a splatoon, Neo, I see family, courage, and a thousand heroes who swore to fight their way through hell before they’d ever turn their backs and run.
And where you see one old splatoon… I see home. And that is always worth fighting for!
If we don’t stop Grizz now, we leave the world at the mercy of a monster. So no, Neo. We won’t be running anywhere today.

~My personal favourite from any Halo game, ever. Gave me chills.~

Chapter Text

Agent Eight: I don't think Three likes me, or ever will. Can't say I blame them, the war left its scars on all of us.
Agent Four: Won't you reconsider joining us?
Agent Eight: You know, I about served my purpose for that kind of fighting I'm afraid. After the war I questioned the point of the whole thing; all those people died and for what?
Agent Four: I guess what they thought was right.

~~~

Octoling Elite: Would the prisoner request to be blindfolded?
Eight: ...
Octoling Elite: I'll take that as a no.
Eight: I hope you can live with yourself.
Octoling Elite: Ready weapons!
Eight: Never thought I'd go out this way.
Octoling Elite: Aim.
Eight: Wait! this is wrong and we all know it, Octavio is making a mistake and he needs to be called on it. No octoling should have to go out this way! We are loyal soldiers, we follow orders but we are not a bunch of unthinking droids! We are people and we must be trusted to make the right decisions, especially when the orders we are given are wrong!
Octoling Elite: Fire!
Octoling soldiers all miss their shots.
Octoling Elite: What- What happened?
The Octolings drop their weapons.
Marina: They're doing the right thing because if this is how soldiers are rewarded for heroic actions then one day every octoling in this battalion may face a similar fate. Take off their binders!

~Ok that's enough star wars back to your regularly scheduled quotations.~

Captain Three: Agent Four, are you okay?! 
Agent Four: I told you to stop asking stupid questions! 

~~~

Captain Three: Oh god, they texted you ‘hi.’’ punctuation only means one thing, Agent Four. They're mad at you. 
Agent Four: No, it's Neo Three. They're just being gramatically correct! 
*meanwhile* 
Neo Three: And then I used a period so they'd know that I'm mad at them. 
Agent Eight: A period doesn't say 'I'm mad', it says 'you're dead to me'. 
Neo Three: I stand by my choice. 

~~~

Neo Three: My gender is in a constant state of flux. 

~~~

Agent Eight: You were wise to seek help from the world's most deadly weapon. 
Agent Eight: It's me. 

~~~

Neo Three, talking about Agent Four: Is this a friend of yours, Captain Three? 
Captain Three: Kind of? Not really. They're in my life and there's nothing I can do about it. 

~~~

Agent Eight, pointing to Agent Four and Neo Three: Distract them! I'll be right back! *leaves* 
Captain Three: Okay! 
*five minutes later* 
Agent Eight: *returns and sees Agent Four and Neo Three unconscious on the ground* What did you do? I said distract them, not knock them out! 
Captain Three: There's just no pleasing you sometimes. 

~~~

Captain Three: They don’t make them like me no more. I’m the last of my kind. 
Neo Three: Thank god. 

~~~

Agent Four & Neo Three: *accidentally set the kitchen on fire* 
Agent Four: We need an adult! 
Neo Three: Agent Four, you are an adult! 
Agent Four: We need an adultier adult! Get Captain Three! 

~~~

Sorcerer: I give you a cursed amulet! 
Neo Three: Cool! It’ll make me look cute, and the shadow that follows me will make me more active, I’ll get out more! 

~~~

Computer: Please enter a password. 
Captain Three: *types in Agent Eight* 
Computer: Your password is too weak. 
Captain Three: How fucking DARE YOU- 

~~~

Captain Three: We’re going to defeat you with the power of friendship. 
Agent Four: We’re not friends. 
Captain Three, holding an axe: We’re going to defeat you with the power of incredible violence. 

~~~

Agent Eight: Do you need help getting up? 
Captain Three: Nah, I'm cool down here on the floor. 

~~~

Neo Three to Agent Four: I’ve organized your messages into three categories. 
Neo Three: “From Captain Three” 
Neo Three: “Death Threats” 
Neo Three: and “Death Threats From Captain Three” 

~~~

Captain Three: I do two things and two things only. I devastate sorry motherfuckers, and get shit done as an awesome leader. 

~~~

Agent Eight: *is visibly upset* 
Agent Four: Agent Eight, what happened? I haven't seen you like this since you found out candyland wasn't an actual country. 

~~~

Captain Three: Why did you leave Wrestlemania on for the Salmonids? 
Neo Three: They need to learn how to protect us. 

~~~

Agent Four: Pick a card, any card. 
Captain Three: Fine. 
Agent Four: Wait, that's my credit card! 
Captain Three: You said any card. 

~~~

Kidnapper: I have one of your friends. 
Captain Three: Which one? I have seven. 
Kidnapper: The loud, annoying, rowdy one who never shuts up. 
Captain Three: Which one? I have seven. 
Agent Four, distantly: HEY!!! 

~~~

Neo Three: *standing on a balcony and sneezes* 
Agent Four: *standing on the roof* Bless you. 
Neo Three: God?! 

~~~

Captain Three: Smart is attractive. Educate me on something I don't know! 
Agent Eight: The mouth of a jellyfish is also an anus. 
Captain Three: Stop. 

~~~

Agent Eight: Could you be anymore annoying? 
Agent Four: Yes. 

~~~

Agent Four, dramatically: They called me a fool. 
Captain Three, sick of Agent Four's shit: They weren’t wrong. 

~~~

Agent Four: The universe is cold and unfeeling. The only constant is chaos. 
Neo Three: Was that place out of chocolate-chip pancakes again? 

~~~

Neo Three: Thanks for opening my message and not responding. 
Agent Four: All good bro, any time. 
Neo Three: Fuck you.

~~~

Neo Three: If bees can be fish and boys can be girls, then why can't my dad love me? 
Captain Three: I thought I was going to have to yell at you, but now I think I should hug you. 

~~~

Captain Three: I feel like Neo Three is looking down on me. 
Agent Four: That’s because they’re on the counter and you’re short. 

~~~

Agent Four: Why cant trees give off something important like wifi?? 
Neo Three: So fuck oxygen, I guess. 

~~~

Agent Eight: Captain Three likes to win. When they were 8, a little Club Scout friend of theirs bragged they could sell the most cookies. 
Agent Eight: Damned if Captain Three didn't walk the neighborhood till they got blisters on their feet, and won by 10 boxes. 
Agent Eight: Best part is, Captain Three wasn't even a Club Scout. 

~~~

Neo Three: Do you think different paints have different tastes? 
Agent Eight: They do. 
Agent Four: ...Why did you say that with such certainty? 

~So the octarian food situation eh?~

Captain Three: Do you even know what an amulet is? 
Neo Three: Of course I do! I eat amulets sometimes. I like the ones with cheese and onions! 
Captain Three: Neo, those are omelettes. 
Neo Three: Oh. Then I’ve got nothing. 

~~~

Captain Three to Eight when they met: You seem familiar... have I threatened you before? 
Eight: *Internal screaming*

~~~

Agent Four: Look at the buns on that guy! 
Captain Three: *lying on the floor, covered in hamburger buns* 
Agent Eight: This is the comedy police! The joke's too funny! 
Agent Four: I'm not going back to jail!

~~~

Agent Eight, admiring a sleeping Captain Three: You’re so cute. 
Captain Three, sleepily: I could beat your ass. 
Agent Eight, lovingly: I know. 

~~~

Agent Four, washing the dishes: Who the fuck used this pan?? 
Agent Four: Wait. I the fuck used this pan… 
Agent Eight: It was you the fuck. 
Agent Four: It was I the fuck… 
Neo Three: Who cooks rice in a pan? 
Agent Eight: They the fuck. 

~~~

*Agent Four is speaking on the phone* 
Agent Four: Yeah, I'm with Neo Three. 
Neo Three: Im fucking dying- 
Agent Four: Yep, they're okay. 
Neo Three: I have a knife in my chest! 
Agent Four: No, they can't talk right now. They're sleeping, sorry. 
Neo Three: IM BLEEDING OUT- 

~Captain three: Who hurt my child?~

Agent Eight: Guys where did Neo Three go? 
Captain Three: They got arrested. 
Agent Eight: How the hell- 
Neo Three: *bursts in through the window* The cops are after me, I thought it would be fun to steal crackers and throw them at people. 

~~~

Captain Three: Hello, I'm Captain Three. I work at a shop now. Here to help. Look, they gave me a badge with my name on it in case I forget it. Very helpful, as that does happen. 

~Ayyy another Doctor Who quote.~

Neo Three: Yum, thanks! 
Kidnapper: *puts more tape over their mouth* I said stop eating it. 

~~~

Captain Three: I am your king, long may I reign! 
Neo Three: Well I didn’t vote for you! 
Captain Three: You don’t vote for kings. 
Neo Three: Well how’d you become king then? 
Captain Three: Cuttlefish of the Lake, their arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Captain Three, was to carry Excalibur. That is why I am your king. 
Neo Three:  Listen. Strange people lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony. 

~~~

Captain Three: Agent Four, I need some advice. 
Agent Four: You need advice from ME? 
Captain Three: Yeah, frightening, isn't it? 

~~~

Captain Three: You can't wake up if you never got to sleep. 

~~~

Captain Three: If karma doesn't hit you, I fucking will. 

~~~

Agent Four: I have an idea. 
Agent Eight: A good idea? 
Agent Four: Let's not get ahead of ourselves. 

~~~

Agent Eight: I love murder mysteries! 
Captain Three, trying to impress them: I've been a suspect in four murder cases. 

~~~

Chapter Text

Agent Four: Happy mother's day Marie!
Marie: I'm not your-
Agent Four: I brought Pizza.
Marie: All is forgiven.
Agent Four: Yes!

~~~

Agent Eight: *Walks into the living room practically bouncing.*
Marina: What's gotten you so excited Eight?
Agent Eight: Happy mum day Momina!
Marina: *Gasps quietly while bringing her hands up to her face.*
Agent Eight: Me and Pearl bought you a lot of icecream!
Marina: Thank you so much Eight-! Where is Pearl?
Pearl: *Barges through the door carrying a large cardboard box with a Mahi Mahi resort logo on it* I found the supplier of Mahi Mahi's ice cream!
Marina: This is brilliant! Thank you both so much.

~~~

Neo Three: Where's Eight?
Captain Three: With her parents.
Neo Three: Where's Four?
Captain Three: With her mom.
Neo Three: ... want to go pub stomp?
Captain Three: Kid, you're speaking my language. I'll get my gear.
Neo Three: Ok, see you outside.

~Three hours of pub stomping later~

Cap and Neo: *Walking out the lobby door.*
Neo Three: Woo that was fun!
Captain Three: Yep you did good Neo, honestly their team had me cornered for a second but then you swooped in.
Neo Three: Yeah but you got the most splats, and only got splatted twice.
Captain Three: Those can't count I fell in the water.
Neo Three: Environmental splats count just as much, Cap!
Captain Three: Yeah yeah sure.
Neo Three: *Takes a long deep breath* Happy Mother's day Cap.
Captain three: *Definetely not tearing up* Thanks Agent Three.
Neo Three: Are those tears I see?
Captain Three: Nope! Not at all!
Neo Three: Your secret of actually caring is safe with me Cap.
Captain Three: *Breathing slightly faster and deeper trying to compose themself.* F-Fine, lets go find Eight and Four before something blows up.
Neo Three: Ha ha Sounds like a plan... can I burn down tha-?
Cap Three: Nope
Neo Three: Awww

~~~

Chapter Text

Neo Three: Ha! Don't you know the trappers trap can trap the trapper? 
Neo Three: I must be losing it, I'm quoting Agent Four. 

~~~

Agent Eight: What's wrong with you? 
Marie: Off the top of my head, I'd say low self-esteem, a lack of paternal affection, and a genetic predisposition for anxiety and depression. 

~~~

Marie: I didn’t even realize how sarcastic I was being. It’s starting to become a problem, I think. 

~~~

Callie, grinning: I have a knife! 
Captain Three: Put it down, Callie. 
Callie: Make me! *sprints away* 

~~~

Marie: Why are you like this?? 
Captain Three: I used too much "No More Tears" shampoo as a kid and I haven't felt a single emotion since. 

~~~

Agent Eight: Not to be nsfw but I want someone to hold me while I sleep. 

~~~

Agent Four: We need to distract these guys. 
Agent Eight: Leave it to me. 
Agent Eight: Centaurs have six limbs and are therefore insects. Discuss. 
Callie & Marie: *immediately begin arguing* 

~~~

Agent Four: I’m sick and tired of being called 'mortal' like, you don’t know that. Neither do I. I have never died even ONCE. Nothing has been proven yet. Stop making assumptions. It’s rude. 

~Captain Three: *Calling Marie again* Yep just like the last time I called about Agent Four. How did you know- Sheldon's security cameras, right... Wait he has them in our house!?~

Agent Four: Agent Eight isn’t answering my messages. 
Captain Three: Allow me. 
Agent Four: I tried 6 times, what makes you thi- 
Agent Eight: *replying to message* Hello. 

~~~

Callie: I'm going the fight the next person who insults Captain Three. 
Captain Three: I hate myself. 
Callie: Alright, square up. 

~~~

Captain Three: I'm not funny, I'm just really mean and people think I'm joking. 

~~~

Callie: I mean. Marie's just standing there now. 
Callie: Waiting for me, I guess. 
Callie: But it's okay, I think they've pretty much settled down. 
Neo Three: Settled down? 
Callie: Well, they only stabbed me once. 

~~~

Agent Four: Agent Eight's refusing to wear their glasses! 
Agent Eight: Agent Four, look, I wore the glasses for a day. My eyes are much better now. Watch. 
Agent Eight: *points to Captain Three* Captain Three. 
Agent Eight: *points to Callie* Callie. 
Agent Eight: *points to Neo Three* Sasquatch. 

~~~

*After the Squad's plan goes horribly wrong* 
Neo Three: Now it seems we're back at square one-- finding Captain Three. 
Agent Four: For the record, I already found them. 
Agent Eight: And you let them get away before we could have a meaningful conversation. 
Agent Four: They stabbed me! 
Neo Three: I'm surprised they waited this long, Agent Four. We've all had the urge. 

~~~

Captain Three: I have very high standards, you know. 
Agent Eight: I can make spaghetti... 
Captain Three: Oh no! You're meeting all my standards! 

~~~

Captain Three: I wanna sleep for 40 hours. 
Agent Four: You know that's called a coma, right? 
Captain Three: 
Captain Three: That sounds so refreshing, I could totally go for a light coma right now. 

~~~

Callie: When's the last time you slept? 
Captain Three: Uh... a few days ago, I think. 
Callie: A few- how many?! 
Captain Three: Uh... *starts counting on fingers* I need more fingers... 
Callie: What you need is sleep! 

~~~

Marie, holding an antique bottle: Is this whiskey or perfume? 
Agent Eight: *grabs and chugs the entire bottle* 
Agent Eight: 
Agent Eight: It's perfume. 

~~~

Marie: So, what's for dinner? 
Callie, staring at the food they burnt: Regret. 

~~~

Agent Four: I feel so burnt out. 
Captain Three: Don’t worry, it'll be over soon. 
Agent Four: Are you gonna... assassinate me? 
Captain Three: Well not if you’re expecting it. 

~~~

Captain Three: We need more help. Maybe I should call my friends. 
Neo Three: ... Your what? 
Captain Three: My friends. 
Agent Four: Are they saying “friends”? 
Agent Eight: I think they're being sarcastic. 
Callie: No, no, no, this is delirium, they've cracked from being awake all night. Hey, Captain Three! All of your friends are in this room. 

~~~

Callie: Someone’s trying to break in. Call the cops! 
Captain Three: *loads shotgun* I got this. 
Callie: Last week you fell up the stairs, what do you mean- 

~*The Only thing they Fear is You starts playing* Callie: Oh right Cap Three. Kill them all Three!~

Agent Four: Are you alright with constructive criticism? I don't want to sound mean. 
Marie: No, go ahead. I want to hear it. 
Agent Four: It sucks. 
Marie: That's not constructive criticism. 

~~~

Agent Eight: What is the big deal about borrowing money? I do it all the time! Sometimes, I even pay it back! 

~We're all lucky Pearl has a very large amount of money~

Agent Four: What if the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything? 
Agent Four: Pregnancy tests are Maybe Babies. 
Neo Three: Socks are Feetie Heaties. 
Agent Eight: Defibrillators are Heartie Starties. 
Callie: Nightmares are Dreamy Screamies. 
Marie: Stamps are Lickie Stickies. 
Captain Three: I hate you guys so much. 

~~~

Agent Four: There's something I have to ask about you-know-who. 
Neo Three: Voldemort? 
Agent Four: No. 
Neo Three: Is it Voldemort? 
Agent Four: It's not Voldemort. 
Neo Three: You haven’t mentioned wizards once this conversation, so I’m gonna have to assume it’s Voldemort. 

~~~

Agent Eight: When you work at lush and a customer comes in and bites the soap because they think it’s cheese... this happens way more frequently than you think. 
Neo Three: If you stopped literally presenting soap as deli food this wouldn't happen. 
Agent Eight: Who goes into a bath store and thinks something covered in glitter is cheese? 
Captain Three: Who goes to the store and just takes a bite from the cheese? 

~~~

Captain Three: How the hell are you still alive? 
Agent Eight: Honestly, I’m just as confused as you are. 

~~~

Agent Four: And have you learnt anything this Christmas, Agent Eight? 
Agent Eight: …Not really. 
Agent Four: Nothing? 
Agent Eight: Tell you one thing I have learnt—Christmas; ultimately, commercial holiday. Who's the real winner at Christmas? Amazon. they have drones now! Tiny little dystopian slaves delivering iPads and headphones. I ordered a toaster; It was on the doorstep five hours later! Do we need that? It was 4.99! For a toaster! I mean, someone's being exploited there. 

~~~

Captain Three: I’ve invited you here because I crave the deadliest game... 
Agent Four, nodding: Knife Monopoly. 
Captain Three: I was actually going to play Russian roulette, but now I'm really interested in whatever knife Monopoly is. 

~And another one for the monopoly fic I just started writing. I might need to rewrite the begining now; that sounds funny.~

Captain Three: Don’t weep for the stupid. You’ll be crying all day. 

~Gonna end this with an entire Zach rant. Its this one, didn't want to put the original original because its one story from a 30 minute vid so enjoy the animation, https://youtu.be/T3YD1gYNC4c~

Captain Three: We were doing a brass and ammo shakedown at the end of a firing range, which I'm assuming you know what the brass and ammo shakedown are yes?
Neo Three: They want to make sure you don't have live rounds on you-
Captain Three: Yeah and somebody of course in every single basic training cycle says "no ass no bramo drill sergeant!" and then everybody laughs at it.
Neo Three almost giggling and Captain Three: No ass no bramo.
Captain Three: So the drill sergeant gets up to us, one of the guys, grabs onto his blouse pocket right up on the chest.
Neo Three: mm-hmm
Captain Three: There was something in there. "What is this private! The fuck is this!" The guy he did this to was this tall corn fed country motherfucker, always spoke in with a super deep voice.
Captain Three: "What is this private!" he goes, *Cap says this in the highest voice they can* "Uh that's my nipple drill sergeant!" and the drill sergeant just goes "Pbffffff!" and immediately starts laughing.
Neo Three: *losing it at this point*
Captain Three: Everybody is just fucking dying, The drill sergeant cannot keep it together, everyone is just cracking up and he's just like "what the f- what is actually in your pocket?" he's like "It's trash drill sergeant" "God damnit."

~~~

Chapter Text

Marie: There's nothing worse than people using big words they don't understand. 
Cuttlefish: I photosynthesize with this. 

~And already off the rails it is.~

Marie, watching Captain Three do something stupid: Callie, you're officially only the second highest risk here. 
Callie: Hell yeah! I'm gonna— 
Marie: Don't finish that sentence, you'll move back up. 

~~~

Cuttlefish: Big day today, Captain Three. *holds up two shirts* Mustard stain or ketchup stain? 
Captain Three: Mustard– looks less like blood. 

~~~

Callie: Die. 
Marie: Please don't die! 
Callie: DIE! 
Marie: PLEASE DON'T DIE! 
Captain Three, confused: Why are they yelling at a plant? 
Cuttlefish, watching while eating popcorn: They bought it together and Marie wants Callie to accept it as their kid. 

~~~

Captain Three: My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside. 

~~~

Callie: Slash gamemode creative. 
Captain Three: Dude, this isn't Min- 
Callie: *starts levitating* 

~~~

Hairdresser: How would you like your hair cut? 
Captain Three: Preferably with scissors, but a sword could be badass. 

~~~

Cuttlefish: GET BACK HERE YOU DUMB FUCK! 
Callie: LET ME RUN FROM THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY ACTIONS! 

~~~

Captain Three: I hope no one lowkey hates me. 
Captain Three: Highkey hate me. Hate me with every fiber of your being. 
Captain Three: Go big or go home. 

~~~

Callie: Bottling up negative emotions is bad for your health, so you shouldn't do it. 
Captain Three: I know, that's why I bottle up all my emotions, both positive and negative, so it cancels out. 
Callie: Th-that's not how that works- 

~~~

Marie: *Gasp* 
Callie: wHAT?? 
Marie: What if soy milk is just milk introducing itself in Spanish? 
Callie: *inhales* 
Cuttlefish, in another room with Captain Three: Why can I hear screeching? 

~~~

Marie: I can't believe you've done this..... 
Callie: I'm sorry I didn't know-! 
Marie, on the verge of tears: YOU CAN'T JUST BUY ME A GIFT OUT OF NOWHERE NOW I FEEL LIKE A HUGE ASSHOLE! 

~~~

Captain Three: Marie, why are you crying? 
Marie: This book is so sad!! 
Captain Three, picking it up: But this is my diary- 

~~~

Captain Three, to Cuttlefish: If Callie doesn't say "I'm King of the world" within an hour on that boat, I will give you my next pay check. 
Callie, within 5 minutes of getting on the boat: I'M KING OF THE WORLD!!! 

~~~

Marie: Hey, Joe said he's coming over this afternoon. 
Cuttlefish: Cool. 
Marie: Do you know who Joe is? 
Cuttlefish: JOE MAMA! 
Captain Three, not even looking up from their phone: Damn, that backfired. 

~~~

Captain Three: If I didn't know better, Cuttlefish, I'd say you were scared. 
Cuttlefish: Heh, scared? 
*absolute silence* 
Cuttlefish: DID YOU HEAR THAT?! 

~~~

Callie: Aww, what's your dog's name? 
Cuttlefish: Spartacus. 
Callie, yelling to Captain Three: TRY SPARTACUS! 
Captain Three, on the computer: DIDN'T WORK! 
Cuttlefish: 
Callie: What's your favorite number? 

~~~

Marie: They made Callie cry! 
Captain Three: Callie always cries! 
Callie: That's not true! *cries* 

~~~

Cuttlefish: *Holding up a picture of a seemingly young anime girl* WHO IS SHE?! IS SHE TWELVE?! 
Callie: No! She's a thousand years ol- 
Cuttlefish: *Cocks shotgun* 
Callie: NO! NOOOOOOOOOO-! 

~Three: Hey marie where's my shot- *A loud crack and Callie screaming* There it is.~

Captain Three: *chokes on something* 
Marie: Jeez, Captain Three, don't die on us. 
Captain Three: Don't tell me what to do, I'll die whenever the hell I want! 

~~~

Callie: Can you be quiet?! I'm trying to think. 
Marie: Don't worry. Doing anything for the first time is difficult. 

~~~

Captain Three: I'm so tired of this life. I want to be a roomba. I want knives taped to me. And I want to be set loose. 

~~~

Captain Three: Who hurt you? 
Callie: *snorting* What, do you want a list? 
Captain Three: ...Yes, actually. 

~Oh no, well there's no way the author could be on that lis- *the door crashes down* WAIT WAIT WAIT~

Captain Three: Come on, Cuttlefish! How any times do I have to apologize? 
Cuttlefish: Once! 
Captain Three: ...No. 

~~~

Cuttlefish: Hey, quick question. How petty am I allowed to be? 

~~~

Captain Three: Of course I have a lot of pent-up rage, you fool! I've been the same height since I was twelve! 

~~~

Callie: This was almost a great idea. 
Captain Three: You just described 90 of our stuff. 

~~~

Captain Three: Are you laughing at that video of Marie and Callie fighting? 
Cuttlefish: No. 
Cuttlefish: I'm laughing at the comments. 

~~~

Callie: Do you have a bobby pin? 
Marie: Yeah. *searches in their hair* 
Marie: Oh, no, wait. I’m not a nine-year-old girl. 

~~~

Callie: If I were a drink, I'd be Cherry Vanilla Coke. If you were a drink, what would you be? 
Captain Three: Bleach. 
Marie: Sewage. 
Callie: ...Please calm down, edgelords. 

~~~

Captain Three: Which is correct, seven and five IS thirteen, or seven and five ARE thirteen? 
Marie: Neither. 
Marie: Because it's twelve. 

~~~

Captain Three returning to inkopolis with Callie and Marie: Inkopolis! what a dump.

~~~

Cuttlefish: Callie!
Callie: Gramps!
Cuttlefish: Crushed your flowers.
Callie: Oh Marie will kill you for that.

~~~

Captain Three: This is Callie, not my assistant she's some other word.
Callie: I'm their carer.
Captain Three: Yeah my carer, she cares so I don't have to.

~~~

Captain Three: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal, that's where the blood's supposed to be! 

~Did I do that quote yet? I should maybe keep better track of this.~

Callie: Blue M&Ms are the best. 
Marie: whAT IS THIS SLANDER? 
Callie: What about it? They are. 
Marie: I WILL NOT ALLOW SUCH LIES ON MY CHRISTIAN MINECRAFT SERVER! 
Marie: THE RED ONES ARE THE BEST! 
Callie: YEAH? WELL YOUR MOM'S A HO! 
Captain Three: They're all chocolate inside, the colors don't mean anything. 
Cuttlefish: I like the yellow ones. 
Callie and Marie: SHUT THE FUCK YOUR MOUTH! 

~Next splatfest?~

Marie: A sprite is anything not static. 
Captain Three: A sprite is a variable object, be it 2d or 3d. 
Callie: A sprite is a fucking soda. 
Callie: You god damn geekass bastards. 

~~~

Marie: You're alive. 
Cuttlefish: There's no need to sound so disappointed. 

~~~

Tartar: Why can't you leave me alone, what did I ever do to you?
Captain Three: You tried to kill me and destroy this entire planet.
Tartar: Apart from that.

~~~

Captain Three: I just want someone to take me out. 
Callie: On a date? 
Cuttlefish: With a sniper rifle? 
Marie: Both if you're not a coward. 

~~~

Captain Three: Cuttlefish... Why did you draw a pentagram on the floor? 
Cuttlefish: Your text told me to satanize the house before you returned. 
Captain Three: 
Captain Three: I wrote sanitize, Cuttlefish. 

~~~

Captain Three: Marie is off at an appointment, so while they’re gone, I’m going to cut the sleeves off all of my shirts. 
Callie: Why? 
Captain Three: They’re like 90 of my impulse control. 

~~~

Captain Three: What do I get? 
Marie: A night of fashion, mischief, mayhem, and possible death. 
Captain Three: Ooh, check, check, and check; not sure about that last one. 
Marie: It won't be you. 
Captain Three: I'll get my coat. 

~~~

Cuttlefish: Why would anyone want to harm Marie? 
Captain Three: Maybe because they met her? 

~~~

Neo Three: I'm in space...
Neo Three: And I'm about to die!

~And a final cameo from neo because I remembered that quote.~

Chapter Text

Captain Three: Kept you waiting, huh?

~~~

Callie: Neo Three, I don’t think I can handle any more of your tomfuckery. 
Neo Three: Oh yeah? Well I can keep going until you’re all tomfuckered out! 

~~~

Shiver: Hey Captain Three, I’ve got an idea for how to solve this. 
Captain Three, pulling out a shotgun: Yeah? 
Shiver: Wh- No! That’s not the idea, Captain Three! 

~~~

Police Officer: You have the right to remain silent. 
Shiver: I choose to waive that right! 
Shiver: *screaming* 

~~~

Marie, about Shiver: I could fix them, but honestly whatever the hell is wrong with them is way funnier. 
Frye: That's what any god probably thinks about me. 

~~~

*Shiver sends more than 5 messages in a row* 
Captain Three: I ain’t reading all that. 
Captain Three: I’m happy for you tho. 
Captain Three: Or sorry that happened. 

~~~

Neo Three: I’m the smartest person in my friend group. 
Marie: You hang out with Cuttlefish, Shiver, Frye, and Big Man. 
Marie: It’s not as high a compliment as you think. 

~~~

Cuttlefish: What’s sexting? 
Neo Three: I'm not having this conversation with you. 

~~~

Captain Three: What’s something you guys are better than Marie at? 
Shiver: Mario Kart. 
Callie: Yeah, video games. 
Big Man: Emotional vulnerability. 

~~~

Marie: You’re mean! 
Callie: You’re meaner! 
Marie: Yeah, well, you’re ugly too! 
Callie: You’re uglier! 
Marie: You’re a dumbass! 
Callie: You’re a dumberass! 
Marie: You think “dumberass” is a good insult! 

~~~

Shiver: Next time I'm at the pet store, I'm gonna take a hamster and drop it in the scorpion cage. I wanna see what a hamster's face looks like when it goes, "oh, fuck." 

~~~

Frye: Pfft, you should meet Shiver, they're such a tsundere. 
Captain Three: They... they just stabbed you. 
Frye: So cute. 

~~~

Big Man: How has life been treating you lately? 
Captain Three: Horribly. 

~~~

Callie: Shiver is forbidden from monologuing. 

~~~

Shiver: Clownery. Tomfoolery. Absolute fuckery, I am going to revoke your life privileges. 

~~~

Big Man, texting Frye: Roses are red, Tony Hawk is a skater… 
Frye′s phone, auto-replying: I’m driving right now–I’ll get back to you later. 
*Later* 
Frye, texting back: Fuck you. 

~~~

Frye: Captain Three, I beg of you. Please, PLEASE go to the doctor. 
Captain Three: Hey, I'm sorry. Is this OUR stab wound? 

~~~

Cuttlefish: The best way to gain someone's undying loyalty is by saving them from a perilous situation. 
Neo Three: So you're just gonna wait until Captain Three is in danger and save them? 
Cuttlefish: Of course not, I'm going to create a situation that puts them in danger and then save them. 
Neo Three: ... 
Neo Three: You're insane. 

~~~

Shiver: It's locked. You got a lock pick? 
Frye: Yeah- 
Captain Three: *kicks in the door* 

~~~

Marie: If you kill me, my teeth only have a 2 drop rate. 
Shiver: What? 
Marie: Good luck. 

~~~

Big Man: Wasn't icarly that guy that girlbossed too close to the sun because he was down for Apollo? 
Marie: ICARUS? 

~~~

Shiver: A party is a celebration of a life, bringing people together to let the guest of honor know how much they’re loved. Cuttlefish has done so much for us. This is our chance to do something for them. 
Captain Three: By forcing them to have fun at a party that they don’t want to be at? 
Shiver: I knew you’d understand. 

~~~

Marie: Fun Fact! The average person will walk by 36 murderers in their lifetime. 
Callie: I like how this is a "fun" fact. 
Shiver: It's fun because they didn't decide to murder you. 

~~~

Captain Three: That’s the key slice of truth we need to complete the entire truth pie. 
Cuttlefish: Ooh, can we get some actual pie? 
Captain Three: I like the way you think. 

~~~

Frye: How would you like your pancakes? 
Big Man: Plain. 
Captain Three: With sprinkles! 
Neo Three: Chocolate chips. 
Callie: Potatoes. 
*Big Man, Captain Three, and Neo Three look at Callie* 
Callie: What? They're good. 

~~~

Shiver, looking at their watch: It has been 2 hours and sixteen minutes since I’ve been insulted. 
Shiver: It’s been about 5 seconds since I’ve been assaulted, but let’s not talk about that. 

~~~

*Everyone is playing a board game together* 
Neo Three: I will put 'A' down to make 'A'. 
Big Man: I will add onto your 'A' to make 'AT'. 
Frye: I will add onto your 'AT' to make 'RAT'. 
Shiver: I will add onto your 'RAT' to make 'BIOSTRATAGRAPHIC'. 
Frye: *flips the board* 

~~~

Neo Three: I did it! I memorized everything in the book! I'm gonna ace this test! 
Captain Three: Ok, Neo Three, I'll give you one more question before you go. What ended in 1918? 
Neo Three: 1917. 
Captain Three: ...You're ready. 

~~~

Shiver: You disgust me. 
Neo Three: *eating a kitkat sideways* I realize this and don’t care. 

~~~

Shiver: What if Cinderella was a baking slave instead of a cleaning slave, and her name was Mozzarella? 
Callie: Don't ever speak to me again. 

~~~

Frye: If we don’t get out of this alive… If we’re both about to die… I love you, Shiver! 
*Neither of them die* 
Shiver: … 
Frye: … 
Shiver: So do you wanna talk about somethi- 
Frye: No thank you. 

~~~

Frye: We all have our demons. 
Big Man, grabbing Shiver: This one’s mine! 

~~~

Shiver, to the Squad: I’d die for you. 
Cuttlefish: Then perish. 
Big Man: You will. 
Callie: Please don’t. 
Neo Three: Cool. 
Frye: I’d die for you first. 

~~~

Cuttlefish: Though I admit I don’t know much about you, I am feeling pretty confident in my assessment that you are probably some sort of sick deadly fuck. 
Neo Three: Who told you my secret? 

~~~

Agent four, explaining why they are not allowed to cook: I put the noodles in the pot and put the pot on the stove and turned the burner on high. Turns out you don't put noodles in marijuana and I almost burnt the whole house down. 

~It was too good considering a previous quote.~

Chapter Text

Agent Four about Neo Three: We've found a kindred spirit, finally, unfortunately that means there can only be one.

~~~

Cuttlefish: The bees have taken over the Holy Land!

~~~

Captain Three, who just woke up: Goodnight? Day? ...Morning?

~~~

Agent Eight: Shit, the Captain's hot.

~~~

Neo Three: How many side-arcs am I gonna go down?

~~~

Cap, Eight, Neo and Four in increasingly mentally broken tones: Egg? Egg egg egg egg egg egg egg.

~~~

Shiver: There are two wolves inside of you. One is gay and the other is full of Murder.

~~~

Frye: I'm not a drug addict, I'm a dealer!

~~~

Cuttlefish: I'm going to die of dehydration.
Little Buddy: pog.

~~~

Shiver: The skin business is booming.

~~~

Callie: Take everything from the Danes!

~~~

Agent Four: I was too busy laughing at wheat.

~~~

Captain Three: I hate that we have to play with someone called uwu kitten.

~~~

Captain Three: Gay squadron, salute.

~~~

Neo Three: g a m i n g

Chapter Text

Eight: The time to act is now. 
Eight: Wink, wink. 
Captain: Don't say "wink wink". Just wink. 
Eight: Oh, sorry. 
Eight: Wink. 

~~~

Eight, skipping rocks on a lake with Captain: It’s such a beautiful evening. 
Captain: Yeah, it is. 
Captain: *whispering* Take that you fucking lake. 

~~~

Eight: We are not mad. We are just disappointed. 
Captain: No, we are mad. 
Eight: Yes. We are. We are livid. But we are going to let this one slide. 
Captain: No, we’re not! 
Eight: I am not a mind reader, Captain! 

~~~

Eight: *walks to cabinet, removes oreo box, takes half a sleeve, throws empty box out* Hi! 
Captain: Hey- what are you doing-? 
Eight, shoving an oreo into their mouth: I am saving space :D 

~~~

Eight: What did you order this morning? 
Captain: What do you mean? 
Eight: I heard you answer the door, and I sensed food. 

~~~

Eight: Oh, here’s my award for the most rules broken! 
Captain: That’s not an award, it’s an angry letter from our boss. 
Eight, hanging it on their wall: Well, it has the word ‘most’ in it, so I’m calling it an award! 

~~~

Captain: I once went on holiday and pretended to be twins. It was amazing fun. I invented this mad, glamorous sibling and went around really annoying everybody. And d'you know, I could get away with anything when I was my crazy twin Captain. 
Eight: But you're Captain. 
Captain: Kinda stuck. It’s a long story. 

~~~

Eight: Ayo, what the FUCK is this?!? 
Captain, sitting down, surrounded by corpses: I won Mafia, that’s what. 

~~~

Captain: Eight... 
Eight: Oh no, 'Eight' in B flat. 
Eight: You're disappointed. 

~~~

Captain: You have an impressive pain tolerance. 
Eight: Thanks, it's the trauma. 

~~~

Eight: Are you mad? 
Captain: No. 
Eight: So sharpening your knives at 3 in the morning is just a hobby? 

~~~

Eight: Would you like something to drink? *They open the fridge* We have water, milk, juice, spiders, Dr. Pepper- 
Captain: Spiders? 
Eight: Spiders it is then. 
Captain: No, that wasn’t- 
*But they were already pouring them a brimming glass of spiders…* 

~~~

*At a zoo* 
Eight: What are they in for? 
Captain: Eight, this isn't prison. 
Eight: So they can leave? 
Captain: No, but- 
Eight, pointing at a meerkat: I bet that one murdered someone. 

~~~

Captain: Hey, Eight, what do you think it would be like if we had kids? 
Eight: What would it be like? Inconvenient, mostly. 
Captain: No, I mean, what would they be like, the kids? You ever think about it? 
Eight: Can't really say I have. 
Captain: You know, for someone as eccentric as yourself, you can be boring as fuck sometimes. 
Eight: Sorry, Captain. For what it's worth, I'm picturing them now. A boy and a girl. Two perfect little freaks of nature raised by people who've clearly got no business bringin' up anybody. 

~Captain: Isn't that technically just Neo and Little Buddy?~

Eight: As top in this relationship, I think we should- 
Captain: I can't believe you're pulling rank on me. 

~~~

Eight, upon learning how Captain did a magic trick: So you’re not magic? 
Captain: Well, not really. 
Eight: You’re just a liar. 

~~~

Eight: Why are you burning our marriage certificate!? 
Captain: Good luck trying to return me without a receipt. 

~~~

Captain: We both look very handsome tonight. 
Eight: You know, if you'd just said that I looked handsome, I would have said, "So do you." 
Captain: I couldn't take that chance. 

~~~

Captain:  Oh man, you have any shaving cream? 
Eight: No, I don't like the way that it tastes. 
Captain: Wait... you eat shaving cream? 
Eight: No. Why would I eat it if I don't like the taste. 

~~~

Captain: What goes up but never comes down? 
Eight: The amount of stress you're bringing this family. 

~~~

Captain: I want to kiss you. 
Eight, not paying attention: What? 
Captain: I said if you die, I wont miss you. 

~~~

Eight: Question. When they shot Bambi's mother, did you find that a sad moment...at all? 
Captain: I'm sure she's mounted on a nice wall in a fine home somewhere. 

~~~

Eight: WHY DID YOU KILL HIM?! HE COULD HAVE HAD HOPES AND DREAMS, HE COULD HAVE HAD A FAMILY!!! 
Captain: Eight- 
Captain: It- it was just an ant- 

~~~

Captain: Eight... you've been cuddling with me for over and hour now. 
Eight: *muffled* mm hmmm :) 
Captain: Fuck. I should be annoyed but you're adorable. 

~~~

Eight: I have feelings for you. 
Captain: Why? What's wrong with you? Are you sure you're okay? 

~~~

Captain: Bonjour, Eight. Voulez–vous coucher avec moi? 
Eight: No, I don't want to sleep with you. 
Captain: Is that what that means? Oh, man, I had a really gross tennis instructor. 

~~~

Eight: So uh, for this party and everything, do you, uh... 
Captain, sighing: You don't know how to dress for this, do you? 
Eight, panicked: WHAT IS CLOTHES??? 

~~~

*At a speed dating event* 
Eight: Oh wow, people are really shallow. 
Captain: Consider it a background check. For example: Do you have a death certificate? 
Eight: *Checks their pulse* Sorry, not yet. 
Captain: Good, I'm not fucking a ghost again. 

~~~

Eight: Hey, Captain? I need advice. 
Captain: I’m pretty useless at giving advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment instead? 

~~~

Eight: *slams books down in front of Captain* 
Eight: Boil up some Mountain Dew. It’s gonna be a long night. 
Captain: You could of said literally anything else. 
Eight: Cauldron boil and cauldron bubble, Baja Blast to fuel my trouble. 
Captain: I’m going to just stop challenging you when you say random shit. I won’t win. I realize this now. 

~~~

Eight: Here comes the lightning! 
Eight, whispering: You've got to imagine it coming out my fingertips, wherein I am an almighty wizard. 
Captain: Ok, currently imagining that. Hmm, not bad. Not bad at all. 

~~~

Chapter Text

Cuttlefish: Hey there Callie, how goes the recovery?
Callie: Well the doctor say I should be in here for a couple of months what with the crushed legs, shattered ribs and the brain damage. And the brain damage. And the brain damage. And the brain damage. Oh hey Cap'n Cuttlefish when did you get here?

~~~

Mr. Grizz: Minion 43 would you get in here please? I need an example.
Foozed Octoling: F-43 reporting, an example of what Mr. Gri-aaaAAAAAA!

~~~

Mr. Grizz: An Octotrooper, you left an octotrooper here?
Foozed Elite Octoling: Well I thought he could handle it.
Mr Grizz: An Octotrooper couldn't handle a shot of rasberry shnappes much less Shiver!

~~~

Captain Three: So you guys are the are deep cut.
Big Man: No.
Shiver: Don't be rude Big Man.
Agent Four: And you're here for the treasure.
Big Man: No.
Shiver: We are. And I am the shark tamer!
Captain three: You tamed a shark?
Big Man: No.
Shiver: Fuck you Big Man.

~~~

Frye: Look Shiver, the paparazzi. I have to protect my image! *Blows up one of the airships to kingdom come.*

~~~

Agent Four: Neo, we may have a chance now, but you'll have to give it your all. Remember, he may look like your dad but you can absolutely not hold back-
Neo Three: AAAAAAAA! Abandon me for a year with Captain Three! Send me off into space and the next time I get to see you you lost your damn body? You're not even you anymore!
Tartar: I don't know where he gets that from.

~~~

Neo Three internal thoughts: You know? Its not so bad. I mean sure I've seen more people die than most people my age or really most people in general.
Ne Three: Then again I don't really know anyone my own age. My best friends are a 3 year old fish and the Captain who consantly hits me. Still better than my dad; at least there around! Huh where did that come from?

~~~

Octavio: Neo what have you done? You've blasted out of the domes. You're incredibly lucky I already sent the coordinates for Inkopolis but you- you... where did you get that muffin?
Callie: Muffin Button.
Octavio: But, I never installed a muffin button.
Callie: So where did I get this muffin?

~~~

Cuttlefish: If you're done picking on Marie-
Callie: NEVER!

~~~

Shiver: How did all these squares make a circle! I just- no no, its fine, its fine, it doesn't bother me, it doesn't bother me. It bothers me, it bothers me a lot. And that one's still green!

~~~

Neo: Captain!
Captain Three: Neo, come closer there's something I have to tell you.
Neo: Is it that you always pictures me as your child because you couldn't have a child of your own considering you lack the reproductive organs to produce your own legitimate offspring-
Captain Three: Neeeerd
Neo: Wh-what?
Captain Three: Just shut up and listen.
Neo: What is it Captain Three?
Captain Three: Why didn't you DODGE! Bleh.
Neo: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

~~~

Master Mega: Are you alright?
Shiver: I have a fucking hole in my chest. Why didn't you block that one?!
Master Mega: I thought you had it.
Shiver: NO!

~~~

Mr. Grizz: Really killing them is a kindness, I can retract that kindness if you wish, but then who's the villain?
Neo Three: Y-You.
Mr. Grizz: No that was a rhetorical question.
Neo Three: And I gave you a rhetorical answer.
Mr. Grizz: Good lord I traded Shiver for this.

Chapter Text

Neo: Good. Thanks, dad. 
Captain: You just called Eight “dad”. You just said “thanks, dad.” 
Neo: What? No, I didn’t. I said “thanks, man”. 
Eight: Do you see me as a father figure, Neo? 
Neo: No. If anything I see you as a bother figure ‘cause you’re always bothering me. 
Four: Hey! Show your father some respect! 

~~~

Captain: I have the sharpest memory here - name one time I forgot something! 
Neo: You left me, Four, and Eight in a Walmart parking lot at 2am a day ago. 
Captain: I did that on purpose, try again. 

~~~

Captain: Did you buy eggs like I asked? 
Four: Even better! 
Captain: What the fuck did you- 
Four: *holding up a chicken* Her name is Fluffy. 

~~~

Captain: *Pulls a glass a water from out of nowhere* 
Four: Where did you get that? 
Captain: My pocket. 
Four: How do you keep a glass of water in your pocket? 
Captain: Skills. 

~~~

Captain: The first time Eight opened a box of Cheerios and looked inside they yelled, "OH WOW! DONUT SEEDS!" 

~~~

Neo: How petty can you get? 
Captain: I once edited a Wikipedia article to win an argument I was wrong about. 

~~~

Captain: Are they stupid? 
Eight: Yes, but they prefer to be called Four. 

~~~

Neo: I'm naturally funny because my life is a joke. 

~~~

Captain: Where are your parents? 
Neo: What are parents? 
Captain: That’s just about the saddest thing I ever heard get said. 

~~~

Captain: Hey Neo, do you have any hobbies? 
Neo: Swimming.. 
Captain: Really? That’s cool. I never expected you to- 
Neo: In a pool of self hatred and regret. 

~Captain, calling marie again: New therapy patient for you. I know your not an actual therapist but you're the closest to a functioning adult.~

Four: How long do you think it'll take? 
Eight: I don’t know, three or four. 
Four: Three or four what? Days? Weeks? Months? 
Eight: Yeah, maybe five. 
Four: Five what?! 

~~~

Four: My head hurts. 
Neo: That’s your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity. 

~~~

Eight: Come on, Four. Nobody actually believes that Captain is in love with me. 
Four, to The Squad: Raise your hand if you think that Captain is helplessly in love with Eight. 
*Everyone raises their hand* 
Eight: Captain, put your hand down. 

~~~

Eight: You have to apologize to them Captain. 
Captain: Fine! But I must warn you that this might make me a better, nicer person and that is NOT the person you fell in love with! 

~~~

Eight: Hey Four. 
Four: *punches Eight in the stomach* 
Eight: What the fuck? 
Four: You are one of my very best friends. And I cannot stand by and watch you throw away your life like this. You're too young....YOU'RE TOO BEAUTIFUL! 
Eight: What the fuck are you talking about? 
Four: I'm talking about the baby that's growing inside of your belly right now. 
Captain:  See ya! *leaves* 
Eight: I'm not pregnant! 
Four: Well, not after that punch you're not. I've been taking muay thai classes. 
Eight: I was never pregnant, Four! 
Four: Are... you sure? 
Eight: Yes I'm fucking sure! 
Neo: I'm sorry, but why the fuck is everybody yelling over here? 
Four: Oh, I found this positive pregnancy test and— 
Neo: *punches Eight in the stomach* 
Eight: AW, MOTHERFU-- 

~~~

Captain: BEHOLD, the field in which I grow my fucks! Lay thine eyes upon it, and thou shalt see that it is barren! 

~~~

Captain, looking over Four’s shoulder: You can draw? 
Four, stopping what they were doing: You can speak? 

~~~

Neo: Oh my Captain. 
Four: Don't you mean 'oh my god'? 
Neo: You worship your god, I'll worship mine.

~~~

Four: The best part of an oreo is the cookie part, not the frosting. Deal with it. 
Eight: Darkness without light is an abyss. Light without darkness is blinding. You cannot have a coin with one side. 
Neo: YO SOCRATES! IT'S A FUCKING COOKIE! 

~~~

Captain: So jellyshish- 
Neo, laughing: JELLYSHISH!? 
Captain: You know what I meant! 

~~~

Neo: What happened to Captain? 
Four: They died. 
Neo: They what? 
Four: They died, but they’re okay. 
Neo: …Can you please clarify? 
Captain: Clarification is for the weak. 

~~~

Captain: YOU CHEATED! 
Four: So did my dad, but hey, my mom knew it all and even sorted out their wedding, so what’s the problem? 
Neo: I… can confirm that that actually happened. 
Captain: …What. 

~~~

Eight: Look, Neo, it's the third time this week you had a mental breakdown and its Monday. 

~~~

Neo: I don't like bugs. Four, are you even listening to me? 
Four: I seem to have misplaced my ant farm. 
Neo, at Captain: MOOOOOM! 

~~~

Captain: Why do I always try to tell people we're cool? We are so very uncool. 

~~~

Captain, to Four: I'm leaving for the weekend, so I hid 100 dollars in your room for food. Clean your room, and you will find it. 

~~~

Four on Monday: *glues a dime to the sidewalk* Heh heh heh. 
Four on Wednesday: *walking down the street* Ooh hey! A dime! 

~~~

Four: But what about Eight? 
Captain: Don't worry about them. 
Captain: I once watched them fall down 5 flights of stairs, stand up, and keep eating their hotdog like nothing happened. 

~~~

Captain: You’re my best friend, I would do anything for you. 
Eight: I want you to eat 3 meals a day and have a decent sleep schedule. 
Captain: Absolutely not. 

~~~

Captain: Did you miss me while I was gone? 
Four: You were gone? 

~~~

Four: Guys, they're definitely prepared for us. They even have a training model of our brand new top-secret stealth helicopter. 
Captain: No you idiot, that’s ours we crashed! 
Four: Oh yeah. I guess that makes more sense. 

~~~

Captain: How was your day, Neo? 
Neo: Yeah, fine, it's anti-bullying week at school. 
Captain: Oh? And what does that mean? 
Neo: It means I can't bully anyone for a whole week. 

~~~

Eight: *Gasp* 
Neo: WHAT?? 
Eight: What if soy milk is just milk introducing itself in Spanish? 
Neo: *inhales* 
Captain, in another room with Four: Why can I hear screeching? 

~~~

Four: Uh, I think I got your lunch. *Holds up a note that reads: ‘I am very proud of you. Love, Eight’* 
Neo: Oh yeah. I didn’t think this was for me. *Holds up a note that reads: ‘Be good. For the love of God, Please be good.’* 

~~~

Neo: Where the devil is Four? 
Eight: Well, it is raining outside... Maybe they melted? 
Captain: Shall I look outside for a pointy hat? 

~~~

Captain: Happy Scorpio season. If you have to burn a bridge, do it safely! 
Neo: With NAPALM. 

~~~

Neo, taping a knife onto a Squee-G: Be free, my child. 
Captain, entering the room with a small cut on their ankle: Who the f- 

~~~

Four: What’s the straightest thing you’ve ever done? 
Neo: *sighs* 
Neo: I killed a man. 

~~~

Four: So, according to my university, it is, quote, “my responsibility if there is an internet outage to contact the faculty and the department.” 
Four: Now, if you’re a critical thinker like me, you might be wondering one thing. 
Four: HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO EMAIL THE DEPARTMENT?!?!?! 

~~~

Chapter Text

Captain: I’m totally useless. 
Four: You’re not totally useless. 
Four: You can be used as a bad example. 

~~~

Callie: Do you love Eight? 
Captain: Yeah, I do. 
Callie: Marie! I told you I knew it! You owe me 100 bucks! 
Marie: We all love Eight. You should've asked if they were IN love with them. 
Captain: I thought that was implied.
Marie: ... 
Callie: ... 
Captain, looking straight at Marie: Congrats Callie, you just won 100 bucks. 

~~~

Callie: Onion rings are vegetable donuts. 
Marie, used to Callie being dumb: Sure... 
Callie: Your stomach thinks all potatoes are mashed. 
Marie: Okay? 
Callie: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake. 
Marie: 
Callie: Lobsters are mermaid scorpio- 
Marie: Jesus, that one is a little- 
Eight, interested: No, no, Callie, keep going. 

~~~

Eight: Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, and wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. 
Neo: That's deep. 
Four: That means that ketchup is a smoothie. 
Neo: That's deeper. 
Callie: ...You guys are idiots. 

~~~

Marie: PLEASE EXPLAIN WHAT UPSEXY IS! 
Callie: Could you rephrase the question, in like, two words maybe?

~~~

Neo: Guys… the principal just called— 
Four: It was Eight! 
Eight: It was Marie! 
Marie: It was Callie! 
Callie: It was me! 

~~~

Captain: I am not a lunatic. I have the psychiatric report to prove it. A slender majority of the panel decided in my favour. 

~~~

Neo: I wouldn’t put it in those words exactly. 
Marie: Why not? 
Neo: Because I don't know what they mean. 

~~~

Four: I want to be like a caterpillar. 
Neo: Explain. 
Four: Eat a lot, sleep for a while, wake up beautiful. 
Eight: You know they have a lifespan of a week, right? 
Four: 
Four: That's just another highlight! 

~~~

Marie: When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons, what the hell am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Marie lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the person who's gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down! 

~~~

Neo: School sucks. 
Captain: I know, but you have to do it so you can get a job. 
Neo: What are jobs like? 
Captain: They suck. 

~~~

Neo: *writing a letter* 
Neo: Dear Santa, 
I'm writing to let you know I've been naughty... 
And it was worth it you fat, judgemental bastard. 

~~~

Neo: Oh, my God. Do you know what this is? 
Captain: It’s a book. There’s a lot of those in here, this is a library. 

~~~

Four:  I’m gonna mix a can of Red Bull with seventeen shots of espresso in a fishbowl and then chug it while Kids by MGMT plays in the background so I can perceive twenty-three spatial dimensions and fight my own soul. 

~~~

Marie: Wow, did you hear that voice crack? 
Neo: That wasn't a voice crack, that was a whole voice meth. 

~~~

Captain: *on the phone* Just snap his kneecaps and he’ll talk, I’m at a parent teacher conference. 
Captain: Anyways, you said Neo is enjoying finger painting! That's great. 

~~~

Marie: Yo dumbass, get over here. 
Neo: Okay- 
Callie: *gleefully runs past* I’m coming! 
Neo, sadly: I thought... I was dumbass... 

~~~

Four: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes. 
Callie: Wow, I've gotta hear this. 
Four: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn't share. 
Callie: You forgot pride. 
Four: No, I'm pretty proud of this. 

~~~

Four: There's no meeting today because Neo is at the police station. 
Callie: They're in jail?! 
Eight: We have to get them out! 
Marie: Jailbreak! I'm in! 
Eight: I'll dress up and distract the guard! 
Marie: Ooh, I'll bake some food to help distract ALL the guards! 
Callie: I guess I could bring my frying pan in case we need a shield to keep us from being shot- 
Four: No! Neo wasn't arrested! They're undercover, taking the system down from the inside. They don't need our help! 

~~~

Captain: I still have no idea how I’m attracted to you... 
Neo: Yeah, well, you’re stuck with me, and no take backs, honey. 

~~~

Eight: Why aren’t you sleeping? 
Neo: I’m too busy plotting your murder to sleep, Eight. 
Eight: 
Neo: ...The nightmares. 
Eight: *wrapping their arms around Neo* Awwww, sweetie- 

~~~

Neo: How the hell did you crash the car?! 
Captain: So I was just driving today, right? And my navigation told me to go straight. 
Captain: I was like "woah, that's homophobic". Instead, I went gay. And, THAT'S when I got into an accident. 
Neo: ... 
Eight, with a proud smile: And THAT'S who I'm in love with, ladies and gentlemen. 

~~~

Eight: Do you want a drink? 
Captain: I could go for some appy slices right now. 
Eight: With a little peanut butter to dip them in? 
Captain: FUCKING OF COURSE I WANT PEANUT BUTTER EIGHT! 

~~~

Four: We need a way to lure in new customers? 
Eight: Maybe we could have some fun, interactive events! 
Neo: Callie bath water. 
Callie: ABSOLUTELY NOT! 

~~~

Eight, knocking on the door: Neo, open up! 
Neo: It all started when I was a kid. 
Eight: That’s not what I- 
Four: Let them finish! 

~~~

Callie: So, did everyone learn their lesson? 
Eight: No. 
Neo: I did not. 
Captain: I may have actually forgotten one. 
Four: Also no. 
Callie: Oh good, neither did I. 
Marie: *Exhausted sigh* 

~~~

Callie: ARE YOU- 
Neo: Fucking. 
Callie: KIDDING ME?! YOU- 
Neo: Fucking. 
Callie: IDIOT! 
Eight: …What was that? 
Neo: Marie banned Callie from swearing, so I’m helping them out. 

~~~

Captain: I currently have 7 empty notebooks and I have no idea what to put in them. Any suggestions? 
Callie: Put spaghetti in it. 
Captain: I am currently taking suggestions from everyone but you. 
Marie: Put spaghetti in it. 
Captain: I am currently taking suggestions from everyone but you two. 
Eight: Put spaghetti in it. 
Captain: I am no longer taking suggestions. 

~~~

Marie: Small creatures are much more vicious because they have a smaller body to bottle up all their emotions. 
Eight: Ridiculous. Give me some examples. 
Four: Wasps? 
Captain: Terriers? 
Marie: Captain. 

~~~

Neo: Did you have to stab them? 
Captain: You weren’t there. You didn’t hear what they said to me. 
Neo: What did they say? 
Captain: "What are you going to do, stab me?" 
Neo: That’s fair. 

~~~

Neo: If you don't stop talking, I'm going to jump out of that window. 
Callie: ...We're on the ground floor. 
Neo: I know but I want a dramatic exit. 

~~~

Callie: This is horrible! This is the most humiliating thing to ever happen to me! 
Captain: Oh-? Even more humiliating than- 
Callie: We are not doing this! 

~~~

Captain: *sneaking in through their window* 
Four: *turning in their chair and flicking the light one* You want to tell me where you've been all night? 
Captain: I was with Eight? 
Eight: *turning in their chair* Wanna try again? 

~~~

Eight: Can we go to a haunted house? 
Captain: What’s wrong with the one we live in? 
Eight: Wh-what? 
Captain: Goodnight, Eight. 

~~~

Marie: Neo is a perfect cinnamon scone who’s never done anything wrong in their entire life! 
Four: Never done anything wrong?! They set a city block on FIRE! 

~~~

Four: sapnu puaS. 
Eight: What?? 
Marie: What language is that. 
Four: Turn your phone 180 degrees. 
*Four was removed from the groupchat* 

~~~

Callie: Hah! 69! you know what that means? 
Four: What? 
Captain: That you're a child. 
Neo: HOW YOU GUESS MY IQ?!? 

~~~

Neo: Between Eight, Callie, Captain, and Marie -- if you had to -- who would you punch? 
Four: No one! They're my friends. I wouldn't punch any of them. 
Neo: Captain? 
Four: Yeah, but I don't know why. 

~~~

Chapter Text

Captain Three: All warfare is based.

~~~

Captain: If I die, my funeral is going to be the biggest party ever and you're all invited.
Eight: If?
Neo: Great, the only party I've ever been invited to and they might not even die.

~~~

Neo: Are you the big spoon or the little spoon?
Captain: I'm a knife.
Eight, from across the room: They're the little spoon.

~~~

Captain: Why are you on the floor?
Neo: I'm depressed.
Neo: Also I was stabbed, can you get Eight, please?

~~~

Eight: Tell Neo about the birds and the bees.
Captain: They're disappearing at an alarming rate.

~~~

Captain: Neo, can I talk to you for a second?
Neo: Yeah, what's up? Lemme guess. You and Eight are having problems and you want me to teach you how to kiss?
Captain: What? No, stop that. I know how to kiss. I’ve read books.

~~~

Captain: How's the sexiest person here~?
Eight: I don't know, how are they~?
Captain, flustered: I-
Neo, from across the room: I'm doing great, thanks!

~~~

Neo: Do you care if I take the skin off this Furby? 
Neo: I want to make him a god. Once he is free of his sinful flesh, he can begin a path towards enlightenment. He will take care of us. 
Neo: I also want to softhack his circuits. 
Captain: I literally could not care less but never say anything as frightening as that ever again. 

~~~

Neo: Eight, I screwed up, big time. 
Eight: Neo, given your daily life experiences, you’re gonna have to be more specific.

~~~

 Captain: When I get Doordash I order 20 Cheeseburgers at a time and heat them up throughout the week so that I don’t have to pay the delivery fee multiple times. 
Neo: I hope you understand how food poisoning works. 
Captain: I hope food poisoning understands how I work. I never met a burger I couldn’t eat. 

~~~

Captain: Okay, two person huddle. 
Eight: You can't huddle with two people. This is just a hug. 

~oh god I fat fingered post instead of preview...~

Neo: Watcha doin? 
Eight: Stealing my neighbour’s cat. 
Neo: Scandalous. 
Neo: Can I help? 

~~~

*Neo is ordering a cake over the phone* 
Shop Employee: …and what would you like your cake to say? 
Neo, covering the phone to look at The Squad: Do we want a talking cake? 

~~~

Captain: Arson? Oh, you mean "crime brûlée". 

~~~

Captain: How did you break your leg? 
Eight: Do you see those porch stairs? 
Captain: Yes. 
Eight: I didn't. 

~~~

Captain: Knock, knock.
Neo: Who's there?
Captain: Boo!
Neo: Boo who?
Captain: Why are you crying?
Neo: I'm not crying.
Captain: Hello notcrying, I'm Captain.

~~~

Neo: *holding a salt packet* It’s just a little sodium chloride. 
Captain: Actually Neo, it’s salt. 
Neo: That’s what I said, sodium chloride. 
Captain: Uh Neo, that would be salt. 
Captain: *takes salt packer from Neo* This is iodized table salt, which in addition to sodium chloride contains anti-caking agents and potassium iodate, which is added to prevent iodine deficiency. So not only are you being overly pretentious by insisting on using scientific terminology for everyday items, you are factually wrong. Your arrogance is your downfall, you annoying little shit. 

~And it appears both my heart and brain can only handle this tonight, today has been a day, have a good tomorrow. G'night, unless you're reading this at like midday then kindly ignore this.~

Chapter Text

Little Buddy: I feel like the world would be better if I'd never been born. 
Big Man: Aw... that's not true. 
Big Man: It'd be exactly the same. 
Big Man: You're not important.

~I was too shocked by Big Man not to include this. Maybe they'll be another "If I had a dime for everytime Big Man was ____" comment?~

*The squad's reaction to being told they're the chosen one* 
Shiver: I will not let you down. 
Frye: Sounds fun. 
Little Buddy: K. 
Marie: No, I'm fucking not. 
Cuttlefish: Do I have to be? 
Captain Three: Please god, I am so tired. 

~Give Three a break, please.~

Big Man: *walks into the kitchen, ignoring everyone* 
Frye: Hey, Big Man, how was your day? 
Big Man: *picks up an onion and bites into it, staring at Frye* Hell. 
Shiver, watching this unfold: *whispers* Who hurt you? 

~~~

Captain Three: Big Man spat in Octavio's ear today when they were sitting on the couch together. 
Neo Three: ...What?! Why?! 
Captain Three, shrugging: You tell me. 

~I swear, I'm not trying to make Big Man into a chaotic piece of shit but when shit like this appears I must share.~

Shiver: Nothing in life is free. 
Big Man: Love is free. 
Cuttlefish: Knowledge is free. 
Marie: Friendship is free. 
Neo Three: Self-respect is free. 
Captain Three: Everything's free if you don't pay for it. 
The Squad: ... 
Cuttlefish: Captain Three, that's illegal- 
Shiver: No, let them finish! 

~~~

Big Man: Define “dream”. 
Shiver: Dream - the first thing people abandon when they learn how the world works. 
Octavio: That’s too dark! 

~~~

Callie: Frye, gather the others. We need to have another Octavio-is-doing-something-stupid-again-and-we-have-to-stop-them-before-they-hurt-someone convention. 

~~~

Neo Three: Captain Three, you're testifying in an aggravated assault case tomorrow, and the D.A. is worried about how you'll present yourself on the stand. 
Captain Three: Why? I'm fine on the stand! 
*flashback to Testimony #1* 
Captain Three: Look, I'll make this real simple so even these dumdums can understand. 
Captain Three, to the jury: MAN DID CRIME. 
*flashback to Testimony #2* 
Captain Three: I'm sorry, could you make her stop doing that weird thing with her face? 
Defense Attorney, next to the crying defendant: ...Crying? 
*flashback to Testimony #3* 
Captain Three: And when this is over, I'm gonna find you and I'm gonna break those little fingers. 
Judge: Could the witness please stop threatening the stenographer? 

~~~

Captain Three: Pros and cons of dating me. 
Captain Three: Pros. You'll be the cute one. 
Captain Three: Cons. Holy shit, where do I begin- 

~~~

Marie: Wow, great work on the Halloween decorations. Where did you get the fake skeletons? 
Shiver: Fake? 

~~~

Captain Three: Cool, any other secrets? 
Octavio: I still sleep with the blanket I had as a baby. 
Captain Three: Awww- 
Octavio, stern: I use it as a gag when taking people’s pets hostage. 
Captain Three: 
Captain Three: There’s no punch line ‘cause it’s not a joke isn’t it? 

~~~

Callie: Don’t be sad! 
Marie: Why not? 
Callie: 
Callie: I don’t have a good answer. 

~~~

Marie, at Starbucks: Can I get a venti vanilla latte with um, seven espresso shots. 
Frye, in line behind them: Jesus Christ, just do cocaine. 

~~~

Callie: Wait. Where's Shiver? They love Dungeons and Dragons. 
Big Man: I thought you invited them. 
Marie: Uh, I thought Neo Three invited them. 
Neo Three: I thought Neo Three invited them. 
Neo Three: I never invite them. 

~~~

Marie: Did you win? Or just not die? 
Marie: Either way, hooray. 
Frye: ...Is "no" a valid answer? 
Marie: The hooray is redacted and you frighten me. 

~~~

Octavio: I made lightly fried fish fillets for dinner. 
Cuttlefish: Octavio, It’s 1:15 am, what the fuck. 
Octavio: Do you want the lightly fried fish fillets or not. 
Cuttlefish: Well, I mean yeah. 
Octavio: So come downstairs while they’re still hot. 
Cuttlefish: Wait, you just made them? 
Octavio: Yeah, I wasn’t tired so I decided to make lightly fried fish fillets. 
Cuttlefish: Say lightly fried fish fillets one more time Octavio. 

~~~

Shiver: You’re an idiot. 
Callie: That’s the charm. 

~~~

Frye: Never gonna make you cry! 
Marie: Never gonna say goodbye! 
Frye: Never gonna tell a lie— 
Octavio: I will hurt you. 

~~~

Shiver: I have yet to encounter a problem where a sword didn't factor into the solution at least in some way. 

~~~

Marie: The ‘how the fucks’ and 'why are you so dumbs’ don’t matter. All that matters is that I have a new gun. 

~~~

Shiver: I’m not a doctor I’m a medic. 
Frye: What’s the difference then? 
Shiver: Well doctors actually save lives, medics just make you feel more comfortable as you die. 
Big Man: Note to self; never get shot. 

~~~

Captain Three: I’ve become a bread crumb dealer to four crows at the lake. They pay me with a bit of everything. Like shiny things, fabric, or pens. But recently they paid me with a 20 dollar bill they found somewhere. So I decided to buy them some more expensive bread. They loved it. So they understand what to do. Give me money. I’ve probably racked up about 200 dollars at this point. Is it morally wrong though, I mean. They’re the ones who steal the money from others. Or perhaps they just have a big pile laying somewhere. Should I keep on doing this? 
Neo Three: You sound like the start of a Batman villain. 

~~~

Neo Three: *cooking* 
Marie: *kicks down door* 
Marie: *grabs knife from Neo Three's hand* 
Marie: WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR? 
Neo Three: 
Neo Three: What. 
Cuttlefish: They're trying to tell you they want to cook. 

~~~

Marie: Callie... you've been cuddling with me for over and hour now. 
Callie: *muffled* mm hmmm.
Marie: Fuck. I should be annoyed but you're adorable. 

~~~

Captain Three: What do people in relationships even do? 
Marie: Care about someone with your whole heart and dedicate your life to making them happy. 
Captain Three: Okay. Didn't ask. 
Neo Three: Asks question 
Neo Three: "Didn't ask" 
Captain Three: Thanks for the play by play, Captain Fuck.

~~~

Octavio: *casually taking four stairs at a time* 
Marie, falling behind, taking two stairs at a time: Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fu- 

~~~

Cuttlefish: Everyone synchronise your watches. 
Frye: I don't know how to do that. 
Neo Three: I don't wear a watch. 
Shiver: Time is a construct. 

~~~

Marie: What is it called when you kill a friend? 
Big Man: Homicide. 
Shiver: Murder. 
Neo Three: Homiecide. 

~~~

Frye, to Big Man: You know, Marie can be really aggressive, so it's important to take all the necessary precautions when approaching. 
Frye: *blows airhorn at Marie* GET FUCKED! 

~~~

Marie: Okay, can we all stop saying stupid shit for a moment, please?! 
Shiver: Alright. 
Neo Three: Hey, I- 
Marie: SHUT UP! 
Neo Three: I HAVEN'T EVEN FINISHED MY SENTENCE!! 
Shiver: It was bound to be stupid. 

~~~

Captain Three: *tapping fingers on table* 
Neo Three: *taps fingers back furiously* 
Marie: …What’s going on? 
Callie: Morse code. They’re talking. 
Captain Three: -.-- ..- .-. / - …. . / -.-. ..- - . … - 
Neo Three: *slams hands on table* YOU TAKE THAT BACK! 

~~~

Big Man: It’s Christmas! Are you all in a Christmas mood?! 
Captain Three: Merry crisis. 
Callie: Jingle bells, jingle bells, single all the way. 
Neo Three: Hoe hoe hoe. 
Big Man: Guys, please. 

~~~

Frye: Do you take constructive criticism? 
Marie: No, only cash or credit. 

~~~

Cuttlefish: You think you're smarter than everyone else. 
Shiver: I don't think I'm smarter than everyone else. I know I am. 

~~~

Cuttlefish: What’s up with Frye? They’ve been laying on the floor for like….an hour now? 
Captain Three: They're just a little overwhelmed. 
Cuttlefish: Why? 
Captain Three: Callie smiled at them. 

~~~

Frye: Hey, what are you reading? 
Marie: This is my magic book where any ink spilled shows a scripture of the future, however it bears a curse making it broken, and as such in order to make any scripture appears, I have to do it myself. 
Frye: Impressive! I must have it for myself! 
Neo Three: So it’s just a Notebook? 
Marie: It’s just a Notebook. 

~~~

Frye: I have a new hoodie. 
Shiver: Wrong. 
Shiver: We have a new hoodie. 

~~~

Cuttlefish: I have a bad feeling about this... 
Big Man: What do you mean? 
Cuttlefish: Don't you ever get that little voice in your head that tells you if you're going to get into trouble? 
Big Man: No? 
Callie: That actually explains so much. 

~~~

Callie: Captain Three, do you love me? 
Captain Three: Of course I do! 
Callie: Would you still love me if I did something bad? 
Captain Three: Well, of course I… would… 
Callie: I mean something really, really— 
Captain Three: Callie, what did you do? 

~~~

Captain Three: We’ll find another route, it’s not safe for amateur adventurers. 
Neo Three: That sounds like a challenge. 
Captain Three: I have to stress, that is not a challenge. 
Neo Three: ...Is exactly what you say to dissuade the weak of heart from accepting the challenge. Well, challenge accepted! 
Captain Three: There is no challenge! 

~~~

Frye: Remember that time you dared me to lick a swingset? 
Big Man: No, I said "Frye, don't lick that swingset" and you said "Don't tell me what to do" and licked the swingset. 

~~~

Callie: How are we supposed to put a tracker the size of a penny on Frye without them noticing? 
Octavio: Hey, Frye, I bet you 5 bucks that you can't swallow this penny. 
Frye: *takes and swallows tracker* Pay up, loser. 
Callie: ... 

~Octavio: I mean it also worked on you.~

Shiver: Is letting someone win at chess sapiosexual bottoming? 
Captain Three: Can everyone in this godforsaken group please learn the skill called "Think Before You Speak"? 
Frye: Ya know... it might be. 

~~~

Neo Three: Hey. 
Callie: *pissed off* You… complete …ASS, Neo Three! You show up here after WEEKS, and you say “hey”?! 

~~~

Chapter Text

~The following bit is inspired by 7:40 onwards from this YouTube video. It is stupid and I love it.~

(Oh btw, get some music ready if you want.)

Sheldon's flying van crashes through an Octarian dome into a level.
Cue dramatic music of your choice.
Twintacle Octo Trooper: Oh. Oh shit!
Multiple Octo Troopers: TRUCK!
Octoshot Octoling: Boss. We got a problem.

Shots of ink begin to streak out of the van hitting everything unfortunate enough to be near and with little care collides with Ocarian Soldeirs both on the ground and in the air. At one point destroying an Octarian transport vehicle.

Injured Octoling Elite: Get me up! Get me up quick!
Octobrush Octoling: BOSS, they've brought big toy!

The Van continues around the area, being targetted by every Octarian with a ranged weapon.

Octobrush Octoling: Someone go and grab the Octobot!

An octopedo is fired at the Van, the Van flies up suddenly to avoid it and comes crashing back down with a force, crushing multiple Octarians.

Injured Octoling Elite, now far away from the fight: Uhhhh, they can't suppres the power of Ammo Knights. A minor amount of senseless slaughter.
Blaster Octoling: Octobot's dead.
Octocopter: Accept Ammo Knight Van into your heart.

~Look Sheldon wanted his moment ok?~

Sheldon: Am I going to far? 
Captain Three: No, no, no. You went too far about 7 hours ago. Now you’re going to prison. 

~~~

Sheldon: Can I offer you a nice stick in this trying time? 

~~~

Marie, digging their grave: Long story short, this is my grave.......Want me to make you one too? 

~~~

Four: I’m a fool, not an idiot. 

~~~

Marie: I only have two emotions: exhaustion and stress. And I’m somehow always feeling both simultaneously. 

~~~

Marie: Why would you do that? 
Captain Three: Because I feel guilty. 
Four: Guilt is a trick emotion. It’s put there by your parents to stop you from doing things that feel good. 

~~~

Four: Why are Eight and Captain Three sitting with their backs to each other? 
Marie: They had a fight. 
Four: Then why are they holding hands? 
Marie: They get sad when they fight. 

~~~

Captain Three: You know, when I first met you I thought you were a real bitch. 
Sheldon: What changed your mind? 
Captain Three: Oh, now I know that you’re a fake bitch. Why do you ask? 

~~~

Four, to Cuttlefish: When was the last time you let someone hug you? 
Cuttlefish: *thinking* 
Cuttlefish: 2012. 
Callie: 2012…? 
Cuttlefish: Yeah. I almost died and it really freaked Marie out so I let them hug me. 

~~~

Four: Are you coming to bed? 
Captain Three: I can't. This is important. 
Four: What? 
Captain Three: Someone is wrong on the internet. 

~~~

Captain Three, tearing up the room: Where are they? 
Captain Three, looking under a pillow: Who moved them? Who moved my children? 
Captain Three: Somebody moved my M&M's, and now I am going to start killing. 

~~~

Cop: What are your names? 
Neo Three: Don't tell them, Sheldon. 
Cop, writing: Sheldon... 
Neo Three: Crap. 
Sheldon: Nice going, Neo Three. 
Cop: 
Sheldon: Uh oh. 

~~~

Captain Three: I hate you sometimes. 
Four: Well according to this picture Callie drew of us holding hands that's not true. 
Captain Three: Four, you drew that. 
Four: It doesn't matter. 

~~~

*the squad is at a dinner party but someone has been murdered* 
Callie: You’re acting pretty carefree for someone who’s life’s at stake. Who’s to say you aren’t the killer? 
Sheldon: It’s a murder, not a tax audit. I’ll be fine. 
Eight: What about Marie? Nobody ever suspects Marie! 
Marie: Well what about Captain Three? They have a gun! 
Captain Three: Callie has a knife. 
Callie: Yeah, for fun, not for murder! *stabs Eight in the arm* 

~~~

Sheldon: Four won’t come out of their room! 
Captain Three: Just tell them I said something. 
Sheldon: Like what? 
Captain Three: Anything factually incorrect. 
Sheldon, shrugging: If you say so. 
Four, arriving moments later: Did you just say the sun is a PLANET? 

~~~

Kidnapper: I have your partner. 
Four: What? I don't have a partner... 
Kidnapper: Then who just called me a lowlife bitch and spit in my face? 
Four: Oh my god, you have Callie. 

~~~

Callie: Do you ever want to talk about your emotions, Captain Three? 
Captain Three: No. 
Eight: I do! 
Callie: I know, Eight. 
Eight: I’m sad. 
Callie: I know, Eight. 

~~~

Four: Oooh, a train! 
Eight: We’re in a train station, Four. 

~~~

Eight: *falls down the stairs* 
Cuttlefish: Are you okay? 
Callie: Stop falling down the stairs! 
Sheldon: How’d the ground taste? 

~~~

Captain Three: I wish I had more enemies. 
Eight: I’m sure you will someday, honey. 

~~~

Eight, about to leave the house: Don’t spend all day watching YouTube, okay? 
Four: I FORGE MY OWN PATH!! 

~~~

Callie: God, I love Captain Three. 
Eight: Yeah, you fucking better. 

~~~

Neo Three: Why does my arm shake and turn bright red when I’m eating dirt? 
Four: 
Four: Why are you eating dirt? 
Neo Three: Did I ask you if I should eat dirt? No, so answer my question. 

~~~

Neo Three: Am I a boy? Am I a girl? It doesn't matter. I'm going to burn your house down. 

~~~

Sheldon: Hey, can you do me a favor? 
Captain Three: Sorry, I have to go do literally anything other than this. 
Sheldon: You don’t even have a legitimate reason? 
Captain Three: Oh, no, I do. 
Sheldon: Well, what is it? 
Captain Three: You see, I simply don’t give a fuck. 

~~~

Callie: Hey, can I get a sip of that water? 
Cuttlefish: It’s not water. 
Callie: Vodka! I like your sty- 
Cuttlefish: It’s vinegar. 
Callie: …What? 
Cuttlefish: It's vinegar, PUSSY. 

~~~

Marie: Be careful, I thrive on negative attention. 

~~~

Sheldon: It's called cauliflower, not ghost broccoli. 
Eight, eyes wide: I know what I saw. 

~~~

Sheldon: I know you love them. 
Four: I am not in love with Captain Three! 
Sheldon, staring at Four: I never said who... 
Four: *realizes* 
Four: Shit. Well, anyways- 

~~~

Marie: Remember! Curiosity killed the cat! 
Four: Yes, but you forget that satisfaction brought it back. So yes, Eight, go find out if that thing can catch fire! 
Marie: You're a bad influence. 
Four: And you don't know your sayings. 

~~~

*Four and Neo Three are planning to break in somewhere* 
Four: We need to distract the guards. 
Neo Three: Right. 
Four: What are we gonna do? 
Neo Three: I'm gonna break their elbows while you poke their eyes. 
Four: 
Neo Three: 
Four: Deal. 

~~~

Cuttlefish: What do you call disobeying the law? 
The Squad: A hobby. 
Cuttlefish: *crosses their arms* 
The Squad: That we do not engage in. 

~~~

Marie: Why am I the bad guy? 
Callie: I don't know, why am I the pretty one? We all have our thing. 

~~~

Four: I wish I could control wasps and bees to sting my enemies. 
Cuttlefish: You’re too young to have enemies. 
Four: You don’t even know. 

~And now the most frequent quote I've gotten today.~

(syntax error)

~~~

Chapter Text

~Character Solo Speed Round~

Captain Three: I love the term 'partners'. Are we dating? Are we robbing a bank? Are we the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies and are members of an elite squad known as the special victims unit? Who knows. 

~~~

Agent Four: I have one foot in the grave but in a kind of fun flirty way, the way one might slip on a fishnet stocking. 

~~~

Eight: You know, studies show that keeping a ladder in the house is more dangerous than a loaded gun. 
Eight: That's why I own TEN guns. 
Eight: Just in case some maniac tries to sneak in with a ladder. 

~~~

Neo Three: It's not like I try to blow things up, exactly. It just sort of happens. You've got to admit though, fire is fascinating. 

~~~

Little Buddy: *Picks up hammer and breaks ringing cell phone.* 

~~~

Cuttlefish: War is heck! 

~~~

Octavio: The only thing keeping me from running away and hiding from society for the rest of my life is spite. I could disappear forever, but there are some bitches whose downfalls I have yet to witness, and I wanna be around when that happens. 

~~~

Marie: Woah dude, premarital handholding? That’s just not cool or groovy. 

~~~

Callie: New year, same me. Because I'm perfect. 

~~~

Marina: I was born for politics. I have great hair and I love lying. 

~~~

Pearl: The next time I open up to someone, it'll be my autopsy. 

~~~

Big Man: I hate how you're just born out of nowhere, and you're forced to go to school and get education so you can get a job. What if I wanted to be a duck? No one ever asked me if I want to be a duck! 

~~~

Frye: I just learned a way to get stuff on the cheap. Steal it! 

~~~

Shiver: I am literally evil incarnate. 
Shiver: I’m not actually, I just enjoy being evil. 
Shiver: Which I think actually makes it even more evil because I’m making a conscious effort. 

~Rapid fire over~

Cuttlefish, to Pearl: If you see Octavio, give them this message *makes a neutral face* 
Cuttlefish: They'll know what it means. 
*later* 
Pearl: oh, and Cuttlefish said to give you a message. 
Pearl: *makes a neutral face* 
Octavio: Oh no. The neutral face of displeasure. 

~~~

Captain Three: Someone care to explain why we have 6 dogs in our apartment? 
Neo Three: They're golden retrievers, dude. They retrieve gold. I did this for us. 

~~~

Agent Eight: How many children do you have? 
Cuttlefish: Biologically, legally, or emotionally? Because there is a difference. 

~~~

Captain Three: Eight annoyed me today so I told them that I can’t wait to see what they have planned for our special day tomorrow. 
Neo Three: There is nothing special about tomorrow. 
Captain Three: But there is something special about watching the color leave their face as panic takes over. 

~~~

Big Man: Frye, remember when you said you weren’t going to interfere with my love life? 
Frye: No, that doesn’t sound like me at all. 

~~~

Marina: Something tells me Captain Three's going to be a bit more unhinged today... 
Captain Three, holding a lit match and a bag of cheetos: Leave me be, Marie isn't home to stop me, I'm going feral. 

~~~

Agent Eight, jumping out of Neo Three's closet: BOO! 
Neo Three: 
Agent Eight: 
Neo Three: 
Agent Eight: *makes a sad face* 
Neo Three: Ahh! Oh my god! You scared me! 

~~~

Agent Four: Caw caw, motherfuckers. 

~~~

Cuttlefish, setting down a card: Ace of spades. 
Callie, pulling out an Uno card: +4. 
Frye, pulling out a Pokémon card: Jolteon, I choose you! 
Marina, trembling: What are we playing?! 

~~~

Marina: Hey, let’s mess with Captain Three, guys! 
Agent Four: Hey, Captain Three, your momma so fat- 
Captain Three: My mom committed multiple war crimes and is now locked in solitary confinement in a Bolivian prison. 
Shiver: Well, uh- your dad- 
Captain Three: My father left when I was two to be captured and consequentially sacrificed by a group of feral ferrets. 
Agent Four: The fuck- 
Cuttlefish: Well then... 
Marina: Stop, Cuttlefish! 
Cuttlefish: Your grandparents so- 
Captain Three: My grandmother floated into the sky like a balloon with too much helium when my grandfather spontaneously combusted. 
Captain Three: You cannot best me, mortals. 

~~~

Callie: So don't panic but one of us is possessed by an owl.... 
Marina: .... 
Frye: ..... 
Neo Three: ...... 
Big Man: ..Who? 
Callie: That's the thing we don't- 
*Everyone stares at Big Man* 

~~~

Shiver: It smells like henway in here. 
Octavio: 
Agent Four: Octavio. 
Agent Four, forcefully: Doesn't it smell like henway in here? 
Octavio: *sigh* 
Octavio: What's a henway? 
Shiver: OH ABOUT TEN POUNDS! 

~~~

Neo Three: Hey, wanna help me commit arson? 
Agent Four: What the hell!? 
Neo Three: Oh, sorry, my bad. 
Neo Three, whispering: Wanna help me commit arson? 
Agent Four, whispering: Of course. What do you need? 

~~~

Marina: We’ve been conducting an ongoing study to see what Callie will and will not eat. 
Frye:  Grass? Yes! 
Marina: Moss? Yes!! 
Frye: Leaves? Ohh, yes! 
Marina: Shoelaces? Strange but true! 
Frye: Worms? Sometimes! 
Marina: Rocks? Usually nah. 
Frye: Twigs? Usually! 
Marina: Captain Three's cooking? Inconclusive! 
Big Man: How did you… test this? 
Marina: You just hand them stuff and say ‘eat this’ and if they eat it, they eat it. 
Big Man: ... I don’t know how to feel about this. 
Captain Three: IS THAT WHERE ALL MY SPARE SHOELACES WENT? 

~~~

Big Man: Christmas lights? 
Agent Four: Check. 
Neo Three: Thermos of hot cocoa? 
Agent Four: Check. 
Pearl: Santa suits? 
Agent Four: Check. 
Frye: Shovel? 
Agent Four: Check. 
Shiver: Alibi and bail money? 
Agent Four: Check- wait, WHAT?! 

~~~

Neo Three: Any tips on how to make someone like me? 
Shiver: Try to make them laugh all the time. 
Neo Three: Oh, wow! You actually help me for once, and it's even good advice! 
Shiver: Yeah, the more they laugh, the more time they spend with their eyes closed, so it'd be easier. 

~~~

~And now, me.~

Note to self, even if its useful, frequently close the full page version of the fic so the draft actually saves you stupid FUCK. I am definetely fine and did not lose everything I've written in the past half hour. :|

(Syntax Error) (Syntax Error) (Syntax Error) (Syntax Error) (Syntax Error) (Syntax Error) (Syntax Err- just gonna close this piece of shit down.

Damn syntax error bullshit!

Double note to self, MOUSE SIDE BUTTONS SUCK. Unbind return from one of them please. There goes 7 minutes, down the drain again. :(

Nooooo that was a good quote!

...I pressed the little x. RRRRAAAAGH!

Is this Sheldon punishing me for not including him? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!

If bread in French is Pain then I own a fucking bakery!

~~~

~Comment Quick Round, I've added characters to comments. Some are just comments and others are quotes given from comments, credits underneath quotes.~

Captain Three: True. Although I don't think whipping out a thesaurus was necessary...

~ParzivalBo~

Cuttlefish: Octavio was in exquisite form this chapter, I must say.

~ParzivalBo~

Marie: I expected nothing less.

~ParzivalBo~

Marina: ...why does 90% of this fit in my own headcanons?

~ParzivalBo~

Marie: I told Neo 3 that their ears turn red when they lie.
Captain 3: Do they?
Marie: No.
Captain 3: Then why did you tell them that?
Marie: Because I can do this.
Marie: Hey Neo 3! Do you love us?
Neo 3, with their hands over their ears: No.

~Digital Dusty~

Big Man: Life is like Pearl. It's short.

~Digital Dusty~

Callie: Goddamn it, the printer broke while printing out Neo 3's birthday invitations.
Agent 4: Well, what are they supposed to say?
Callie: "Neo 3's birthday".
Agent 4: So, what do they say instead?
Callie: "Neo 3’s bi".
Agent 4:
Agent 4: Works out either way.

~Digital Dusty~

Callie: We must cherish Captain and Eight for all eternity! They’re precious as hecc!

~Digital Dusty~

Three: "Sir, permission to leave the station."
Cuttlefish: "For what purpose, Agent Three?"
Three: "To give the Octarians back their Octorpedoes."
Cuttlefish: "Permission granted."

~Octoling Blu~

Three: "Sir, permission to leave the station."
Cuttlefish: "For what purpose, Agent Three?"
Three: "To give the Octarians back their Octorpedoes."
Cuttlefish: "Permission granted."

~Octoling Blu, nice new profile picture btw.~

Cuttlefish: Agent Three, would you mind telling me what you're doing in the nurse's office?
Three: Sir, I frew up.

~Diver Drive Down~

Pearl: Cuttlefish is immortal, I swear. We need to call Death on this guy, straight up.

~Diver Drive Down~

~Intermission.~

So that is almost it, I have just loved making this so far and enjoyed every comment (even if I didn't know how to respond sometimes). The monopoly fic is in the works its just that I don't know how to write people actually wanting to play a game of monopoly, at least in an interesting way. I could suddenly open it and just have Four say "Hey Threes do you want to play Monopoly?" while doing something completely 'normal' at least for them. Damnit...

Anyway, some other works on the scarpping doc ideas section. Devil May Cry drossover with [Not saying yet but there be animations despite lack of fics]. The slice of life Splatoon Fic. A Splatoon game idea I could post the outline of. 

~~Intermission over~

~Agent 24 time? Agent 24 time.~

Agent Eight: Okay, I’m going to get the wedding cake. 
Captain Three: Perfect, while you do that I’ll check on the ring bear. 
Agent Eight: ... 
Agent Eight: You mean ring bearER, right? 
Captain Three: ... 
Agent Eight: Look me in the eyes and tell me you are not going to bring a dangerous wild animal to our wedding. 

~~~

Agent Eight: That was so hot, Captain Three. 
Captain Three: I literally called the person who just flirted with you a degenterate dog and told them I hope they get dragged through the streets. 
Agent Eight: I'm so in love with you. 

~~~

Captain Three: My future partner must be brave, strong, intelligent, successful and organized. 
Agent Eight: *steps on a caterpillar and proceeds to drop to their knees and sob while apologizing profusely* 
Captain Three: That one. I want that one. 

~~~

Captain Three: Agent Eight, you love me, right? 
Agent Eight: Normally I’d say yes without hesitation, but I feel like this is going somewhere I won’t like. 

~~~

Captain Three: Two brooooos! 
Agent Eight: Chillin' in a hot tub! 
Captain Three: Five feet apart 'cause we're not gay! 
Agent Eight: 
Captain Three: 
Agent Eight: *tearing up* 
Captain Three: Babe, c'mon... 
Agent Eight: AND HERE YOU REALLY HAD ME THINKING WE HAD SOMETHING. 
Captain Three: Babe... 

~~~

Agent Eight: Can you cut me some slack, Captain Three? I’m sort of in love. 
Captain Three: I’m sorry, but that’s really not my problem. 
Agent Eight: I’m in love with you. 
Captain Three: *blushes* Oh. That brings me in the loop a little. 

~~~

Captain Three: I truly go into housewife mode when I'm someone's soulmate- like, I'll make you pancakes and bacon every morning. 
Agent Eight: This is a lie. 
Agent Eight: I'm literally dating them. This is a lie. 
Agent Eight: THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO COOK A PANCAKE, WHAT IS THIS. 

~The Grand Finale... For now see you like tomorrow or Tuesday.~

Callie: I honestly feel like some of our conversations here are almost word-for-word accurate to the generator.
Eight: Yup.
Neo Three: Maybe the generator is watching us.
Callie: Wouldn't that imply this conversation will be added?
Callie: ...
Callie: Wait—

Chapter Text

Neo: I'd roast you, but my mom says you can't burn trash.
Neo: *slow-mo walks out of the room* 

~~~

Eight: You believe me? 
Captain: Eight, you’re the last good person on this planet. I‘d believe cartoon birds braided your hair this morning. 

~~~

Captain: How’s practice going? 
Neo: Terrible. I want to stab everybody there. 
Captain: Okay, just don’t get any blood on your clothes. 
Neo: …you shouldn’t be condoning this. 
Captain: Don’t tell me how to live my life. 

~~~

Eight, at Captain's funeral: I need a moment with them. 
Everyone: Of course. *They leave* 
Eight, leaning over Captain′s coffin: Okay, listen here you little shit. I know you’re not dead. 
Captain: Yeah, no shit. 

~~~

Eight: Remember what I told you. 
Captain: Don’t be a cunt.

~~~ 

Captain and Neo are in the living room, Cap's watching something on the TV and Neo's about to enter their room.

Captain: Night Neo
Neo: G'night Captain.
The lights flicker twice then power turns off.
Captain: Oh shit.
Neo: What just happened?
Captain: Neo, grab my phone and call Marie. Ask her if the Great Zapfish has been stolen again. I'll make sure Eight's okay.
Neo: What? And what about Four?
Captain: What about them?
Four walks round into the living room holding a torch.
Four: I should feel hurt but honestly fair. If the zapfish have been stolen then I wouldn't mind going for it again.
Captain: If it has been, go for it. Get power back on as soon as you can.

Neo and Four head towards the entrance of the apartment to get suited up, while Neo is on the phone to Marie.

Captain heads towards their room and starts looking around for Eight in the dark. They notice a small bump in under the covers of the bed, roughly the shape of an octo form.

Captain: Eight, you okay?
The Captain gets nothing buy silence as a response. Cap gets into the bed and pulls octo form Eight close.
Captain: Everything's gonna be fine, Neo and Four got this. Do you want me to grab the Zapfish plush Gramps made for you?
Eight: Mm-hmm
Cap reaches over to grab the plush and then lifts it gently back over to them.
Eight, in an almost mumble: Thank you.
Captain: You’re welcome, you want to keep cuddling until the power's back on?
Eight: Yeah.
Captain: You’re not in the domes anymore, you’re safe.

~~~

Chapter Text

Cuttlefish: Five little monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and…
Marie: Was diagnosed with mesothelioma.
Cuttlefish: Mamma called the doctor and the doctor said…
Three: You might be entitled to financial compensation if he or a loved one dies.

~~~

Marie: I typed "bitch" into my GPS and guess what? I'm in your driveway. 
Three: 
Marie: Vroom vroom, come out already. 

~~~

Cuttlefish, to the Squad: The real secret to immortality? Not dying. You want to be immortal? Okay, that’s easy. Just don’t die. That’s it. Refuse to die. There you go. 
Marie: But how- 
Cuttlefish, ignoring them: “But how”, you may ask. Well, easy. Just don’t do it. Refuse to. Say “no thanks”. 

~~~

Marie, holding an unconscious Callie: Oh no. Please don’t be dead.

~~~

Callie: Would you take a bullet for me? 
Three: ...yes? 
*Marie angrily burst into the room* 
Callie: *running away* Great, thanks! 

~~~

Three, very tired: Can I sleep in your bed? 
Callie: *half asleep* Three, this is a queen-sized bed. That means it’s for *gestures vaguely to themself* the Queen.

~~~

Cuttlefish: It’s time to turn this into a real business. 
Marie: What do you mean? Like, carry a briefcase, and wear a tie, and pay taxes? 
Three: Wait, have you not been paying your taxes? 
Callie: I handle our accounting. 

~~~

Callie: Hey, do you know the password to Marie’s computer? 
Cuttlefish: Fuck you, Callie. 
Callie: Hey!! 
Cuttlefish: No, you misunderstood, the password is "fuckyouCallie". 
Callie: Oh, no numbers? Not very safe. 

~~~

Callie: I love the term 'partners'. Are we dating? Are we robbing a bank? Are we the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies and are members of an elite squad known as the special victims unit? Who knows. 

~~~

Marie: I’m a masochist, not a loser. 

~~~

Three: Does anyone know how to relax? Asking for a friend. 

~~~

Three, in Cuttlefish’s window: I thought I’d find you here! 
Callie, climbing past Three: WE COULD HAVE USED THE DOOR- 

~~~

Cuttlefish: Remember, when burying a body, make sure to cover it with endangered plants so it’s illegal to dig up! 
Cuttlefish: Make sure to follow me for more gardening tips! 

~~~

Marie: *on the phone* Hey Cuttlefish, do you know my blood type? 
Cuttlefish: Of course, it's B-. 
Marie: Oh, I guessed wrong. Excuse me, nurse-! 

~~~

Callie: *pretending to joke* So when are you going to go out with me? 
Three: I don't know. When are you going to ask me to? 
Cuttlefish: And you just ran away?! 
Callie: I didn't expect them to flirt back! 

~~~

Marie: So, what's it like living with Cuttlefish? 
Three: They once referred to sand as "heterosexual glitter." 
Marie: ... 
Three: I love them so much. 

~~~

Callie: Three! For the love of god, please turn down that music. I have a hangover. 
Three: *blasting the mii theme at full volume* That sounds like a you problem, not a mii problem. 

~~~

Callie: Sometimes I like to place my hands on someone’s cheeks, look into their eyes... 
Callie: ...And violently jerk their head until it snaps. 
Three: ...That took an unexpected turn. 
Cuttlefish: So did their neck. 

~~~

Callie: Last night I found out Three is a sleep talker. 
Marie: Oh, really? 
Callie: "The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell." Right. In. My. Ear. At 3am. 

~~~

Callie: How is spring not everyone’s favorite season? The trees are PINK, guys! 
Marie: Allergies are also a problem, y'know. 
Callie: But pink. 
Three: And it's hot. 
Callie: PINK! 

~~~

Callie: Marie, you're my best friend. 
Marie: Best friend? BEST friend?! Bitch, I'm your only friend. 
Marie: I'M THE ONLY ONE CAPABLE OF TOLERATING YOUR DUMB ASS! 

~~~

Callie: I don't want to fight you! 
Three: I wouldn't want you to fight me either!

~~~

Cuttlefish: What about all the good things war has done for us? Why don't we ever hear speeches about that? Jobs, technology, a common purpose... All we're sayin' is...
Cuttlefish: GIVE WAR A CHANCE!

~MGRR quotes? MGRR quotes.~

Cuttlefish: Like I said, kids are cruel, Octavio. And I'm very in touch with my inner child!

~~~

Callie: We are all pawns, controlled by something greater: Memes, the DNA of the soul.

~~~

Callie: Now, there's a pretty meme! Exquisite! 

~~~

Marie: Making the mother of all omelets here Octavio! Can't fret over every egg!

~~~

Marie: You should try fighting for what you believe in sometime, Octavio. Not for a company, or for a nation, or for anyone else.

~~~

Three: Now I see. You deny your weapon its purpose! It yearns to bathe in the blood of your enemies... but you hold it back!
Octavio: No... My sword is a tool of justice.
Three: This is what happens when you bring a tool to a sword fight!

~~~

Chapter Text

Captain: Just stay calm, you already have everything you need to beat it.
Neo: The power to believe in myself?
Captain: No, a knife! Stab it.

~~~

Captain: Oh spare me, Wonder Woman. You're only doing this to prove I was wrong.
Eight: Hey, at least I pretend to be nice to people!
Captain: Yeah whatever- wait pretend?

~~~

Eight: You what!
Cap: drops their seanwhich
Cap: My Seanwhich. It was innocent.
Eight: Three are you gonna-
Cap: Shhh! I must grieve.-

~~~

Neo: I will end you THOT!

~~~

Four: What The hell is that?
Cap: Well Ballsy I believe the locals call it a hexagon? Not sure if I'm pronouncing that correctly, I'll have to check back with you.

~~~

Cap: Okay sweetie, I'm gonna let you in on a little known secret of comedy. Bad things aren't funny when they happen to daddy.
Neo: What about mommy?
Cap: Oh mommy's fair game, go for the throat.

~~~

Octavio: My men do not even know the meaning of the word surredeer.
Octarian: But we're willing to learn!

~~~

Eight: Don't worry Three, I've got your back. With the two of us, our love can conquer anything-!
They both get destroyed by the OctoStomp
Three: Urghhh. The power of love is bullshit! Power of guns and violence, now that's where the money is.

~~~

Sheldon: Sharply inhales and pulls Cap over the store counter after seeing Eight.
Sheldon: What's the matter with you. Why would you bring them here? I thought we were friends!
Cap: What? I don't understand, what's the problem?

~~~

Mr. Grizz: Do you have any idea what its been like trying to lead you people? You ignore all my strategies, you ADAMANTLY refuse to work together, and then you blame ME FOR ALL OF YOUR PROBLEMS!
Grizzco Employee: Well to be fair, sir, you're responsible for at least a few of 'em.
Mr. Grizz: Ah yes, I see your point. Although and- and hear me out here, counterpoint... opens cheat menu
Grizzco Employee: ErrrrAAAAA-! Splats
Mr. Grizz: You're dead. HA! Sighs. I tried, you know? LORD knows I tried. But there's just no helping you people. It's like you crave death! But not just any death! Nooooo!
Mr. Grizz: YOU fuckers seem to have some sort of pool going to see who can end their existence in the dumbest, most avoidable ways possible! And you just keep one upping each other!
Mr. Grizz: Do you know how many of you have died screaming "leeroy Jenkins"?! More than zero. Which, as far as I'm concerned, is grounds to exterminate the SPECIES.

~Ok... I really need to stop using cap in like all of these but SAO abridged almost always involves Kritio in a scene because the original anime did so unless I give everyone a kirito quote, which just doesn't feel right its just gonna be a lot of Cap.~

Cap: but tell me, do you think Craymond would've trusted a stranger to do the job?
Bisk: Well no.
Cap: Well then, you Craymond was skilled enough to have killed Annie one on one or perhaps smart enough to catch her unawares?
Bisk: Oh my cod Craymond's not the killer.
Craymond: OH COME ON!

~~~

Callie: On a related note, are you at all concerned by the delight your daughter seems to be taking in all this?
Neo: Go for the eyes, Papa! That is their weak point!
Cap, in the distance: THANK YOU SWEETIE!
Eight: Not really. Why?
Callie: No- No reason. You seem like a GREAT family.
Eight: Aw, thank you.

~~~

Keita(Look, I don't know which characters to put here because of the implication): This here is Sachi... and, uh the rest are NPCs.
Cap: Wait, what!
Keita: Yeah, their all companions from different quests! They help ya fight and as long as you never finish, they stay with you!
Gary: We must save my family!

~Multiple traumatic events/two episodes later.~

Gary: We must save my family!
Cap: You see, some of them even have faaa...
Cap, whispering: Gary.
Cap: 'scuse me! i have to go say hi to an old friend, won'te be a minute.
Cap: Hey gary! long time no see!
Gary: We must save my- AHH!
Cap: Yeah! bet you didn't expect to see ME again, did ya' punk!
Gary: WE MUST SAVE MY FAMILY!
Cap: You left us to die, you bastard!
Gary: WE MUST SAVE MY FAMILY!
Cap: THIS IS FOR SACHI! Choke on it! Choke on my vengeance! How does it taste?
Gary: We must... save my... family...
Cap: Repeatedly stabbing Gary while laughing maniacly.

~And now a scene that will forever be engraved in my mind.~

Fuzzy Octoling 1: Um boss, a thought occurs. This guy thought he was going up against Deep Cut and still just brought themmself and and a small child. You sure we want to mess with this guy?
Elite Fuzzy Octoling: Please, the inkling's all talk and now that I've broken them they're not even that anymore. They're nothing more than a silent mess grasping at straws.
Captain: Ooo! Another one of your famous theories. Tell you what, I'll give you the first shot. See how that goes.
Fuzzy Octoling 2: Boss, I think this might be a trap.
Elite Fuzzy Octoling: Enough, you're all level 45 and there's seven of you, I think you've got this. Now kill them!
They were not able to kill Three. Not even close.
Neo internal thoughts: Oh no! I knew it. The elite really got inside their head, their not even fighting back. Well I guess its up to me to save them or else-
Cap's special meter fills.
Neo: Wait what?
Captain: Man, you guys are out of shape. Really oughta do some cardio.
Elite Fuzzy Octoling: What are you idiots doing? Quit Screwing around and finish them!
Fuzzy octoling 3: I don't understand! We threw everything we had at them! How are they still standing?
Captain: How? Well, its quite simple, really.
Captain: You see, GIRLY, you may think you've got me all figured out. but, there's one thing you didn't account for. My equipment.. is better than yours.
Captain: Funny thing really, get three sets of armor, and you're basically untouchable. My wounds heal faster than you can make them. we could do this all day and you would not be any closer to beating me. Not that it wouldn't be fun.
Captain: But I've got good news. You see, there's no need to wonder where your god is! 'Cause their right here...
Captain whispering: And their fresh out of mercy.

~~~

Chapter Text

Tanker: Fine, I'm sorry I forgot Tuesday's chapter.
Eight: Because?
Tanker: I didn't plan ahead and make a chapter in advance.
Eight: So?
Tanker: You’re pushing this bit Eight-
Three: So.
Tanker: So! When I got distracted Tuesday night I didn't have anything ready.
Three: Good.
Four: Good enough for me. Where are we anyway? It feels like we're in a non descript location. Literally, this place has no description.
Tanker: Four, too meta, tone it down.

~Ok, time for quotes.~

Eight: Okay, what does A stand for? 
Neo: Arson. 
Eight: Aw, you're so good. Okay! B! What does B stand for? 
Neo: Barson. 
Three: *laughter* 
Eight: What stands for C? 
Neo: Commit arson. 
Three: Oooo. Eight: D! 
Neo: Don't come near me, I'm going to commit arson. 
Three: *more laughter* 

~~~

Marina: Are you sure this is safe? 
Pearl: Safer than Flintstone vitamin gummies in a bottle. 
Pearl: Keep twisting, junior! All you’re gonna get is clicks. 

~~~

Pearl: When was the last time you cried? 
Eight: Uh 15 minutes ago, why?? 
Pearl: really? That recent? 
Eight: Yeah *voice crack* is that a issue? *starts crying again* 

~~~

Cuttlefish: So, are you two dating now? 
Three & Eight: Yes. 
Cuttlefish: Why? 
Three: I happen to find Eight very appealing. 
Cuttlefish: Yeah, I can understand that. I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with Eight. 

~~~

Cuttlefish: Who the fuck broke the toaster? 
Pearl: It was Three. 
Marina: It was Three. 
Eight: Three broke it. 
Three: 
Three: ...yOU PROMISED- 

~~~

Three: I will send my army to attack! 
Three: *releases a dumpster of raccoons* 

~~~

Cuttlefish: I’ve only had Eight for a day and a half but if anything happened to them I would kill everyone in this room and then myself. 

~~~

Marina:  Guys, there’s a monster under my bed and it’s really ugly. 
Pearl, on the bottom bunk: Honestly, fuck you. 

~Eight's Breakdown: Remastered.~

Eight: I CAN'T DO IT! 
Three, laughing: I CAN'T EITHER! 
Eight: I CANT FUCKING DO IT ANYMORE 
Marina: WELL I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, YOU CAN EITHER GIVE UP NOW, OR YOU CAN FIGURE IT OUT. BECAUSE WE CERTAINLY CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT YOU, AND WE KNOW YOU CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT US. 
Eight: 
Eight: I appreciate it, 
Eight: BUT LOOK WHAT WE'RE DEALING WITH- 
Neo: Eight- 
Eight: YOU GOTTA DRAW THE LINE SOMEWHERE! 
Cuttlefish: Eight we gotta- 
Eight: YOU GOTTA DRAW A FUCKING LINE IN THE SAND. YOU GOTTA MAKE A STATEMENT. 
Eight: YOU GOTTA LOOK INSIDE YOURSELF AND SAY 'What am I willing to put up with today?' 
Eight, motioning to Pearl: NOT FUCKING THIS! 

~Did you know Arin voiced Papa Titan from The Owl House.~

Neo, digging their grave: Long story short, this is my grave.......Want me to make you one too? 

~~~

Pearl: Where is everyone? 
Cuttlefish: Three had a nervous collapse, Eight is looking after them, Neo is trying to kill Marina, so I’m in charge. 
Pearl: Oh my god! 
Cuttlefish: I know, right? 

~~~

Eight: Do crabs think people walk sideways? 
Pearl: ...Eight, what the hell. 

~~~

Neo: We can bake these cookies at 400 degrees for 10 minutes or 4,000 degrees for 1 minute. 
Pearl: No, that's not how you make cookies. 
Three: FLOOR IT!! 
Neo: How about 4,000,000 degrees for 1 second?!? 
Pearl: yOU'RE GONNA BURN THE HOUSE DOWN- 
Neo: I'M GONNA HARNESS THE POWER OF THE FUCKING SUN TO MAKE COOKIES! 
Cuttlefish: DO IT! 
Pearl: NO- 

~~~

Marina: When I was a kid, Cuttlefish told me that the paper strip that’s in the chocolate kisses were edible and I ate them with the chocolate for a year. 
Pearl: They are! 
Marina: FOR REAL? 
Pearl: No! Why did you fall for it again? 

~~~

Neo, looking at a selfie of Eight’s: I hate this photo. 
Eight: I’m cute as fuck in that photo! I’m smiling kindly. 
Neo: You’re not smiling kindly; you look like you’re up to something. 
Eight: Up to kindness. 

~~~

Three: If you want my advice- 
Pearl: No offense but you’re the last person I want relationship advice from. You tried to kill your significant other. Multiple times. 
Three: First off, that was before we started dating. Secondly, they’ve also tried to kill me. 
Eight: It’s true. It was mutually attempted murder. 

~~~

Cuttlefish: But seriously, what is the real plan here that has to do with not fucking around? 
Marina: There is no plan that does not involve fucking around. But we will make sure all of our fucking around will be applied in a constructive direction. 

~~~

Neo: Ah, yes. Here we have a beautiful couple... 
Pearl: I really care about your feelings! 
Marina: I really care about YOUR feelings! 
Neo, turning their head: ...and then there's the disaster couple... 
Three: YOU NEED TO PAY MORE ATTENTION TO ME INSTEAD OF BEING AT THE HOSPITAL! 
Eight: I WOULDN'T HAVE TO SPEND SO MUCH TIME AT THE HOSPITAL IF YOU STOPPED INSISTING ON FIGHTING EVERYONE WHO COMES WITHIN A FIVE FOOT RADIUS OF YOU! 

~~~

Eight: Today, Neo took my phone, and in five minutes, they sent high resolution close-up photos of Three to the following people: Pearl, Cuttlefish, Marina, the neighbors, the bank, my accountant, San Diego Blood Bank, and Shake Shack's text bot. 

~~~

Cuttlefish: Marina’s gonna kill me. 
Pearl: No, they'll probably make me do it. 

~~~

Marina: Neo told me that brown is just navy orange, and I have never been more disappointed with something I agree with. 

~~~

Three: That was the worst throw ever. Of all time. 
Neo: Not my fault. Somebody put a wall in the way. 

~~~

Cuttlefish: Everyone, calm down! We're grown-ups, let's deal with this like adults! 
Marina: So, we're just going to wing it and hope for the best? 
Cuttlefish: Obviously. Now, Pearl, pass the shovel. 

~~~

Cuttlefish: If you water water, it grows. 
Eight: ...What. 
Three: They've got a point. 

~~~

Neo: Onion rings are vegetable donuts. 
Three, used to Neo being dumb: Sure... 
Neo: Your stomach thinks all potatoes are mashed. 
Three: Okay? 
Neo: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake. 
Three: 
Neo: Lobsters are mermaid scorpio- 
Three: Jesus, that one is a little- 
Pearl, interested: No, no, Neo, keep going. 

~~~

*The Squad is playing Minecraft together* 
Marina: Ooh, a village! You know what that means! 
Cuttlefish: Hostile takeover? 
Eight: Genocide? 
Neo: Steal everything! 
Marina: No, I meant- 
Three: I didn’t know we would fight the ender dragon this early! A village worth of beds isn’t enough! 
Pearl: WHAT ARE WE EVEN DOING?!?! 
Marina: …I was going to say move into the village and become the mayors… 
Three: Ohhhh! That sounds like a better idea. 
Pearl: Agreed. 

~~~

Three, pointing to the wall: What color is this? 
Pearl: Gray. 
Neo: Grey. 
Three, turning to Marina: Now tell them what color you think it is. 
Marina: Dark white. 

~~~

Eight: Are you ready to commit? 
Three: Like, a crime or a relationship? 

~~~

Chapter Text

Big Man: Did you ever have like a pet run away and find it or anything? 
Frye: I had a lizard that I burnt. 

~~~

Marie: Are you trying to give me a fucking aneurysm? 
Callie: Pretty sure we all are. 
Pearl: I wasn't. 
Big Man: I was. 
Marina: I was trying to stop them, for your consideration. 
Frye: I just cause aneurysms naturally. 

~~~

Marina: Isn’t a bit dangerous? 
Marie: Marina, please. We’ve in a lot of unexpected predicaments before and we always escape unhurt. 
Marina: ... 
Marie: Okay, we sometimes escape unhurt. 
Marina: ... 
Marie: Alright, we escaped unhurt once... Then we hurt ourselves on the way home. 

~~~

Shiver: You know, Frye, you are the sun in my life. 
Frye: Why? Cause I'm smoking hot? 
Shiver: Because it hurts my eyes looking at you. 

~~~

*Marina is talking about their past* 
Marina: I guess it was that day I came home to a cold, empty house, devoid of light and love, and I knew then that my sorrows would only grow. 
Callie: Marina, this is the saddest life story I have ever heard! And you haven't even covered the teen years! 
Pearl: Oh, I'm sure it gets better! 
Marina: Ha! No, at eleven, things really took a turn for the worst. 

~~~

Frye: Hello, my name is Failure, and you're watching my life crumble into pieces. 
Frye:  *waves their finger and sings like they're in a Disney Channel intro* 

~~~

Marina: Do you want to know your gay name? 
Pearl: My... my gay name? 
Marina: Yeah, it's your first name- 
Pearl: Haha. Very funny Marina- 
Marina: *gets down on one knee* And my last name. 
Pearl: Oh- oh my god. 

~~~

Callie: You ever get so tired that you start seeing spiders? 
Pearl: Me after I take 17 Benadryl and start seeing the hat man. 
Callie: THE WHO? 
Pearl: Oh is this not a safe space suddenly? 

~~~

Shiver, grinning: I have a knife! 
Marie: Put it down, Shiver. 
Shiver: Make me! *sprints away* 

~~~

Marina: If you got arrested what would be the charges? 
Frye: Theft. 
Pearl: Disturbing the peace. 
Marie: Aggravated assault. 
Big Man: Arson. 
Shiver: All of the above. In that order, probably. 

~~~

Frye: We can’t tell you because you’re not a member of the club. 
Shiver: What club? 
Pearl: The hating Shiver club. 
Shiver: …The fuck? I should be the leader of that club! 

~~~

Frye: Why would you give a knife to Big Man?! 
Shiver, shrugging: Big Man felt unsafe. 
Frye: Now I feel unsafe! 
Shiver: I’m sorry… 
Shiver: Would you like a knife? 

~~~

Big Man: Oh, fiddlesticks. 
Marie: Look, I understand this is a tense situation, but let's watch the fucking language. 

~~~

Shiver: I have issues. 
Callie: Finally, you admit it! The first step to redemption is accept- 
Shiver: With you. 

~~~

Frye: Fine! I don't give a shit! 
Pearl: You seem to give a lot of shit for someone who claims not to give a shit. 

~~~

Marie: Callie, you need to calm down. 
Callie, slamming their fists on the table: BUT HOW CAN IT BE "BIRTHDAY CAKE" FLAVOR IF A BIRTHDAY CAKE CAN BE ANY FLAVOR?! 

~~~

Big Man: How does one turn their emotions off? 
Callie: Okay, so first go to settings. 
Callie: I'm a fucking idiot, I thought that said emojis at first. 
Big Man: No, I'm still willing to try this, go ahead. I'm at settings, what do I do next? 

~~~

Marie: Raisins. It's nature's candy. 

~~~

Marie: I’m the smartest, wisest person in this group. 
Pearl: Really? Then why is your hand stuck in a vending machine? 
Marie: I paid for my Mars Bar, I’m getting my Mars Bar. #

~~~

Callie: Still not over how yesterday when my flight landed, our pilot said we arrived 50 minutes early because they took some "shortcuts". 
Callie: Excuse me, we were in the sky, what do you mean??? 

~~~

Frye: When I said bring me something back from the beach I meant like a conch shell! 
Shiver: *Struggling to hold a seagull* Fucking say that next time! 

~~~

Callie, near tears: Please, Frye, I don’t speak meme! I don't know what a 'yeet' is! 

~~~

Marina: What are you planning to do? 
Callie: Hey, now.  "Planning"?!  Do you KNOW who you're talking to?! 

~~~

Big Man, texting Shiver: *sends a voice message* 
Shiver, texting back: I’m a little busy, is it urgent? 
Big Man: No, don’t worry, just listen later. 
*later* 
Shiver: *presses play* 
Big Man's voice message: THERE’S A FIRE- 

~~~

Marie: You can't wake up if you never got to sleep. 

~~~

Pearl: In case you haven’t noticed, I’m weird. I’m a weirdo. I don’t “fit in” and I don’t WANT to fit in. Have you ever seen me without this stupid hat on? That’s weird. 

~~~

Pearl: We need a plan to beat them. 
Big Man: Okay, listen up. First, we fill their shoes with wet cat food. 
Pearl: 
Big Man: Judge me all you want, I get results. 

~~~

Pearl: Oh, to be a bored heir to the throne who keeps rejecting marriage proposals due to being secretly in love with the cute gardener. 
Marina: Oh, to be a cute gardener who secretly places roses in the heir’s room because they are in love with them. 
Marie: Oh, to be the palace guard who discreetly helps to boost the cute gardener up the wall for their secret deliveries in the middle of the night. 
Big Man: Oh, to be the heir’s best friend witnessing the two fools dance around each other while knowing damn well that the two like each other. 
Callie: Oh, to be the noble suitor from another royal family who comes to know of their love instantly and plans an entire plan to get them their happy ending. 
Shiver: Oh, to be a medieval peasant who knows nothing about the heir’s personal life and who dies of dysentery at age 23. 

~~~

Marina: How would you rate your pain? 
Callie: 0/10. Would not recommend. 

~~~

Chapter Text

Marie: Well, it rained today, but as a whole it's been warmer than it was last week. 
Octavio: Why does it seem like every time you talk to us, you end up talking about the weather? Is your life so unimaginably dull that you can't think of any events in your life to describe that might be more interesting than the weather? Let's think of something for you to talk about other than the weather. I mean, we barely even know anything about you, other than where you live. 
Octavio: Let's start there.  What do you do for a living? 
Marie: I'm a meteorologist. 

~~~

Four: Your lab is in the bathroom? 
Octavio: Marie says this is the perfect place for my work. I’m just now realizing that remark may not have been entirely complimentary. 

~~~

Marie: Damn, the power went out. 
Four: Don’t worry, I got this. 
Four: *stomps foot* 
Marie: What-? 
Four: *Sketchers light up* 

~~~

Octavio: Sometimes I'll start a sentence and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way. 

~~~

Octavio: *angrily presses Four against a wall* WHERE'S THE MONEY?! 
Four: ... 
Four: Are we about to kiss- 

~~~

Marie: I'm not funny, I'm just really mean and people think I'm joking. 

~~~

Marie: I just had a long talk with Four and Octavio about hitting and now they are yelling “it’s my turn to perpetuate the cycle of violence” before hitting each other. 

~~~

Octavio, to Callie: You have room temperature IQ. 
Callie: What's room temperature IQ? 
Four: 73°. 
Callie: Oh, okay. 
Callie: How much is that in IQ? 

~Fun fact: that insult is better in celsius since you're saying someone has an IQ of around 20.~

Octavio: You treat an outside wound with rubbing alcohol. You treat an inside wound with drinking alcohol. 

~~~

Callie: Ooh, I like your accent, where you from? 
Four: I am Liberian. 
Callie: Oh, my bad. 
Callie, whispering: I like your accent, where you from? 

~~~

Callie: You know, Marie gives Four flowers everyday, I wish you'd do that too. 
Octavio: Okay. 
*Later* 
Octavio: *gives Four flowers* 
Four: ??? 
Octavio: I don't know, I'm confused as well. 

~~~

Four: What’s your biggest fear? 
Marie: That I’ll never be good enough for anyone. 
Callie: Everyone hates me and talks about me behind my back. 
Octavio: Zombies. 
Marie: ... 
Callie: ... 
Octavio: BUT they can open doors. 

~~~

Four: Time sensitive question how flirt boy. 
Callie: Throw rocks at he. 
Octavio: Hot Dogs. 
Marie: Kill him. 
Four: Thanks guys. 

~~~

Marie: I told Callie to grab snacks for everyone. 
Four, looking through the options: Why did you grab fruit snacks? Are you five? Who even likes Fruit Snacks? 
*Marie, Callie, and Octavio raise their hands* 

~~~

Four: Good. Thanks, mom. 
Octavio: You just called Marie “mom”. You just said “thanks, mom.” 
Four: What? No, I didn’t. I said “thanks, man”. 
Marie: Do you see me as a mother figure, Four? 
Four: No. If anything I see you as a bother figure ‘cause you’re always bothering me. 
Callie: Hey! Show your mother some respect! 

~~~

Callie: I type how I think. 
Octavio: Odd that you type at all then. 

~~~

Marie: What's the most efficient way to burn calories? 
Callie: Exercise more! 
Four: Set yourself on fire. 
Octavio: There are two kinds of people. 

~~~

Octavio: Could you guys at least try to see this from my perspective? 
Marie: *crouches down* 
Callie: *kneels down* 
Four: *sits on the floor* 
Octavio: 
Octavio: I hate all of you. 

~~~

Four: Happy October 32nd! Second Halloween! 
Callie: That doesn't exist. 
Four: Not with that attitude. 

~~~

Marie: Who wants to go out of the country on a road trip? 
Four: Yea, I could drink legally! 
Callie: I could hang out with the boys! 
Octavio: I could hide from the consequences of my actions. 

~~~

Octavio, gently nudging Callie aside with their foot: Callie, move out of the way so I don’t trip on you. 
Callie, their eyes enormous: You kick Callie? You kick their body like the football? Oh! Oh! Jail for Octavio! Jail for Octavio for one thousand years! 

~Four: Do you ever think the hypno shades have lasting side effects? Yeah me neither.~

Marie: Oh and for your information, I don't have an ego. 
Marie: My facebook photo is a landscape. 

~~~

Octavio: *about Callie and Four* They make a cute couple, huh? 
Marie: They certainly are standing next to each other. 

~~~

Callie: I have been tricked, I have been backstabbed, and I have quite possibly been bamboozled. 

~~~

Marie: You deserve a reward for putting up with me. 
Four: You are my reward. 
*meanwhile* 
Octavio: You deserve a reward for putting up with me. 
Callie: True, you can be really difficult at times. 

~~~

Chapter Text

Cuttlefish: Hello! Don't get married.
Marina: You can't say that on the eve of your granddaughter's wedding.
Cuttlefish: Why not?

~~~

Four: That's Three's grandad.
Frye: ...
Four: The little man.
Frye: Oh right!

~~~

Callie: I'm Three's sister, the annoying one.
Four: That's what sisters are meant to be.

~~~

Alright question two! How old is Octavio?
A. 107
B. 108
C. 109
Pearl: Octavio's getting on isn't he?
Marina: Yeah I think he's only slightly younger than Cuttlefish.

~~~

I forgot this old picture of Four and Callie threatening me with fruit.

~~~

Little Buddy: Is the cake?
Neo: Is the cake.

~Rando Time.~

Marie: A sprite is anything not static.
Sheldon: A sprite is a variable object, be it 2d or 3d.
Cuttlefish: A sprite is a fucking soda.
Cuttlefish: You god damn geekass bastards.

~~~

Marie: Shiver, are you drinking… drinking hydrogen peroxide?!
Shiver: It says H2O2! That means it’s the sequel to water!

~~~

Neo: What time is it?
Cap: I don’t know, pass me that saxaphone and we’ll find out
Cap: *BLASTS the saxaphone*
Callie: WHO THE FUCK IS PLAYING THE SAXAPHONE AT TWO IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Cap: It’s 2 am

~~~

Cuttlefish: ...My man Big Man just killed a goldfish.
Big Man: *licking their lips* Yup. Delicious.

~~~

Frye: Why are you doing this?
Four: Same reason I do everything, Frye. To get somebody to like me.

~~~

Cap: Count me in!
Octavio: Who the hell are you?!
Cap: Oh, you know my sibling! They worked at Wendy's.
Octavio: Oh yeah, Four! How are they doing?
Cap: Oh yeah, not too good. They've been dead for the past month.
Neo: What the hell, they didn't tell us!

~~~

Marina: Caffeine no longer keeps me awake while I work, so instead I have Marie periodically send me texts saying ‘we need to talk.’
Marina: It gives me the right amount of adrenaline and fear I need to keep going.

~~~

Big Man: If you put a milkshake in one yard and crack open a cold one in another yard, which yard would the boys go to?
Eight: Schrödinger's boys.
Marie: FUCK!
Marina: What about cracking open a cold milkshake?
Sheldon: As we all know, the milkshake brings the boys to the yard. The presence of the boys is a prerequisite for the cracking open of a cold one, but cold ones do not have any inherent boy-attracting abilities. Milkshakes, however, do.
Sheldon: All else being equal, the boys would proceed to the milkshake yard. While it is possible to announce the presence of cold ones in the hope of attracting some boys, the pull of the milkshake is much more powerful by comparison.
Big Man: ...
Eight: ...
Marie: ...
Marina: ...
Sheldon: Mind you, all of this nonsense hinges on whether or not the boys are back in town.

~~~

Frye, excitedly: Heeyy!!
Eight: Hey, someone's excited.
Cap, deadpan: Yeah, and it's making me sick.

~~~

Callie: So we're gathered here today for a very special reason and I think you'll all agree with me here.
Callie: And if you don't well then fuck you.
Callie: I'm looking at you, Octavio, you jealous mop.

~~~

Cap: If we don’t get out of this alive… If we’re both about to die… I love you, Eight!
*Neither of them die*
Eight: …
Cap: …
Eight: So do you wanna talk about somethi-
Cap: No thank you.

~~~

Frye: Well, I'm very sorry to hear about your mother.
Shiver: Mmm, we aren't really that close.
Frye: Oh, good.

~~~

Cuttlefish: You really put aside everything and came all this way for me? How did you even get here so fast?
Shiver: Several traffic violations.
Pearl: Three counts of resisting arrest.
Big Man: Roughly thirteen cans of energy drinks.
Marie: Also, that’s not our car.

~~~

Callie, singing to the tune of I Kissed a Girl: I killed a guy, and I liked it-
Frye, whispering: Should we call the exorcist?
Shiver, also singing: The taste of his cherry chapstick.
Big Man, appalled: Call the exorcist.

~~~

Neo, opening a Capri Sun: Guess I'll drink my sorrows away.

~~~

Chapter Text

Shiver: Let the seas boil, let the stars fall. Though it takes the last drop of my blood, I will see the galaxy freed once more. And if I cannot save it from your failure, then let the galaxy BURN!

~Yeah just gonna open up with a warhammer quote. it's gonna be that type of chaos I feel.~

Big Man: What the hell were you thinking? 
Shiver: I heard releasing birds at a wedding is romantic! 
Big Man: You released OSTRICHES! 

~~~

Frye, grinning: Before you were what? 
Shiver: Before I was- 
Frye: What? 
Shiver: Before I was inter- 
Frye: Before you were interrupted? 
Shiver: Cut me off one more time and I swear I'll- 
Frye: What? 
Shiver: *makes frustrated sound* 
Big Man, nervously: Stop that. Before they hurt you. 

~~~

Shiver: Sorry I'm late, I was doing stuff. 
Frye: YOU PUSHED ME DOWN THE FUCKING STAIRS! 

~~~

Frye: I’m serious! They’re watching me! They’ve even got an agent following me! Don’t you believe me? 
Shiver: Look, it’s not that I don’t believe you… It’s that I don’t believe you and I don’t care. 

~Meanwhile Agent Four watching from inside a nearby trash can: Phew they almost got onto me.~

Shiver, tearing up the room: Where are they? 
Shiver, looking under a pillow: Who moved them? Who moved my children? 
Shiver: Somebody moved my M&M's, and now I am going to start killing. 

~~~

Frye: Is that a gun?! 
Shiver: It's not what it looks like! 
Frye: It looks like a gun! 
Shiver: Okay, maybe it is what it looks like, but in my defense, it doesn't have anymore bullets, so I technically can't shoot it anymore. 
Frye: ...ANYMORE?! 

~~~

Big Man: Cast down the idols! Destroy the temples! Slay the priests! Show these fools that they worship nothing more than a rotting corpse!

~~~

Shiver: Here are two pictures. one of them is your room, and the other is the garbage dump. 
Frye: *points at a picture* That one is the dump. 
Shiver: THEY'RE BOTH YOUR ROOM! 

~~~

Frye: Let us play hide and slay!

~~~

Shiver: There was a motor close to where I am right now. 
Big Man: A motor- a motorcycle? 
Shiver: Oh sorry, a murder. 
Frye: That escalated quickly. 

~~~

Shiver: Sanity is for the weak!

~~~

Big Man: Hey, wanna hear a funny joke? 
Shiver: I only like dark humor. 
Big Man, turning the lights off: What do you call a fake noodle? 
Shiver: 
Big Man: An IMPASTA! 

~~~

Frye: Do you hear the voices too?!!

~~~

Shiver: Long shall be your suffering. Joyous be your pain.

~~~

Big Man: Frye, is that legal? 
Frye: When there's no cops around, anything's legal! 

~~~

Shiver: All in all, a 100% successful trip. 
Frye: But we lost Big Man. 
Shiver: All in all, a 100% successful trip! 

~The great return.~

(Syntax error)

~Welcome back generator! It never left...~

Big Man: The joy of hanging out with Frye. You look away for 5 seconds to make sure something is set up correctly, and they bite the tip of a marker off. 

~~~

Shiver: You are the love of my life and I would do anything within reason to make you happy. 
Big Man: I would be happy if you ate, stayed hydrated and got a reasonable amount of sleep. 
Shiver: I said within reason, Big Man. How about I murder that guy? 
Big Man: So murder is in reason but proper self care isn't? 
Shiver: Well, duh. What kind of question is that? 

~~~

Sorcerer: I give you a cursed amulet! 
Shiver: Cool! It’ll make me look cute, and the shadow that follows me will make me more active, I’ll get out more! 

~~~

Frye: *in a jail cell* What about my Miranda rights!? You’re supposed to say I have ‘the right to remain silent’”! NOBODY SAID I HAD THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT! 
Shiver: *in the cell next to them* You have the right to remain silent, what you lack is the capacity. 

~~~

Frye: Let's all agree that going up the stairs on all fours is actually the best experience on earth. 
Shiver: Conversely, going down the stairs on all fours is actually the most terrifying experience on earth. 

~~~

Chapter Text

Octavio: Punch me in the face. 
Marie: ...Punch you? 
Octavio: Yes, punch me, didn’t you hear me? 
Marie: I always hear ‘punch me in the face’ while you’re speaking but it’s usually just subtext. 

~~~

Three: *Locks Callie in the car.* Act like a child, get treated like a child. 
Callie: What? Isn't it illegal to leave a child locked in a car? 

~~~

Octavio: Hey, what’s your Netflix password? 
Three: ihopeyoudie 
Octavio: Thank you! 

~~~

Callie: What if I lied this whole time and I'm actually 18? 
Three: Callie, stop trying to get drugs. 
Callie: Don't suppress my interests. 

~~~

Octavio, to Three: If Callie doesn't say "I'm King of the world" within an hour on that boat, I will give you my next pay check. 
Callie, within 5 minutes of getting on the boat: I'M KING OF THE WORLD!!! 

~Three: Wait you get pay checks, where are you even working?~

Three: I'm gonna get my pilot's license. I've already got a driver's license and a cosmetology license, that's two of the big five licenses. 
Marie: The big five licenses? 
Three: Driver's license, cosmetology license, pilot's license, fishing license, and… license to kill! I can't wait to get that one. 

~~~

Marie: I’ll be famous one day, but for now I’m stuck in this house with a bunch of morons. 

~~~

Cuttlefish: What’s the straightest thing you’ve ever done? 
Octavio: *sighs* 
Octavio: I killed a man. 

~~~

Octavio: I know we’re not exactly friends, but- 
Marie: What do you want? 
Octavio: I've been stuck with Callie for 2 weeks and they've been drinking all the soy sauce. 
Octavio: Help. 

~Marie: New objective assigned, rescue Callie. New objective assigned, find someone to do it for you. New objective assigned, kill Octavio.~

Marie: Why isn’t the statue smirking at me? 
Callie: It isn’t smirking at anyone, they’re all just imagining it. 
Cuttlefish: Three of us saw it, Callie. How do you explain that? 
Callie: *points at Three* Sleep deprivation. *points at Cuttlefish* Paranoia. *points at Octavio* Delusional personality disorder. 

~Suddenly decides to add random Octoling number 8 which definetely isn't past Eight~

Three: Are you laughing at that video of Octavio and Cuttlefish fighting? 
Octoling: No. 
Octoling: I'm laughing at the comments. 

~~~

Cuttlefish: Yes, I'm adopting Three and you cowards can't tell me no! 

~~~

Octavio: *fast-forwards all the way through the movie* 
Octoling: You can't just skip to the happy ending! 
Octavio: I don't have time for their problems. 

~~~

Marie: Hey, did you know as a kid I accidentally ate paper? 
Three: I feel like we've all done that at least once. 
Callie: I ate it too- 
Three: See? 
Callie:: -On purpose... 
Marie & Three: ...What? 

~~~

Octavio: Did you hear that!? Three just threatened to destroy my lego AT-AT! 
Octoling: ...You just threatened to kill them in their sleep. 

~~~

Cuttlefish: Change is inedible. 
Three: Don’t you mean inevitable? 
Cuttlefish, spitting out a bunch of pennies: No, I really didn’t. 

~~~

Octoling: Look, I know you think my judgement's clouded because I like Cuttlefish a little bit. 
Octavio, holding Octoling's notepad: You doodled your wedding invitation. 
Octoling: No, that's our joint tombstone. 
Octavio: My mistake. 

~~~

Callie: You’d be stupid to lay a hand on me. 
Octavio: Oh, you’d be surprised how much stupid shit I do. 

~~~

Cuttlefish: How would you like to live forever? 
Three: I'd hate it. Shut the fuck up. 

~~~

Three: You might not know this, Marie, but I am a flawed person. 
Marie: I do know that. 

~~~

Three: There's no way they like me back. 
Octavio: Octoling would throw themself in front of a moving car for you. 
Three: Octoling would throw themself in front of a moving car for fun. 

~~~

Octavio: Cuttlefish, you're my best friend. 
Cuttlefish: Best friend? BEST friend?! Bitch, I'm your only friend. 
Cuttlefish: I'M THE ONLY ONE CAPABLE OF TOLERATING YOUR DUMB ASS! 

~~~

Callie, to Octoling: Look at you! All cute and small! I could just eat you up! 
Octoling: *proceeds to kick them in the shin and run away* 
Cuttlefish, walking past: Rule number 1, don't call Octoling cute or small. 

~~~

Three:  Don’t worry, I know exactly what I’m doing. Everything is going to be fine! 
Marie: How can you still say that? 
Three: Because sometimes, when things get tough, denial is all we have. 

~~~

Octavio: Who else is hiding in the laundry room trying to listen to Cuttlefish and Marie's convo? 
Callie: Me. I'm in the laundry basket. 
Octoling: I'm in the washing machine. 
Three: I'm in the closet. 
Callie: We accept you Three. <3 
Three: No I'm literally in the closet. 
Callie: Love is love. <3 

~~~

Marie: Stressed. 
Octavio: Depressed. 
Three: Possessed. 
Octoling: Obsessed. 
Cuttlefish: Impressed. 
Callie: Chicken breast. 
Everyone: ...What? 
Callie: I just wanted to join in. 

~~~

Cuttlefish: A mouse! 
Marie, pulling out a knife: Go back to where you came from or I'll stab you. 
Octoling, pulling out a frying pan: It'll make a nice meal! 
Callie, giving the mouse cheese: You deserve a treat, little guy. 
Octavio, gasping: It's Ratatouille! 
Three: His name is Remi, dummy. 
Cuttlefish: ...I was going to say to just trap it and throw it out the window... what is wrong with you people. 

~~~

Callie: I got an idea! 
Cuttlefish: Does it involve breaking the law? 
Callie: By now don’t you think that’s a given? 
Cuttlefish: I was just trying to be optimistic. 
Callie: Don’t bother. 

~~~

Octoling: Tired of just deserving better. Gonna start taking it by force. 

~~~

Chapter Text

Cuttlefish: Can I bother you for a second? 
Octavio: You're always bothering me, but go ahead. 

~~~

Neo: I lost my fish, can you help me find it? 
Callie, cooking the fish: What? I couldn't hear you, please speak up. 

~~~

Neo: Are you busy? 
Octavio: Yes. 
Neo: Cool, listen to this. 

~~~

Callie: Why don't Inklings have a specific noise that means "there are bees here, let's leave immediately." Why are elephants more advanced than us. 
Octavio: We do have a specific noise for it. It sounds like this: 
Octavio: "There are bees here, let's leave immediately." 

~~~

Cuttlefish: I said ‘No’ to drugs, but they wouldn’t listen. 

~~~

Marie with a gun to Neo's head: What happens if I pull this trigger? Heaven? 
Neo: Bold of you to assume I'll go to Heaven. 

~~~

Callie, to Neo: ...And I need you and Captain to help, and by "help" I mean "do everything." 

~~~

Callie: Bet you can’t eat 15 crayons! 
Neo: Bet you I can! 
Marie: *sips coffee, checks to make sure 911 is still on speed dial, and goes back to reading the paper* 

~~~

Captain: I can’t believe all these people are wearing black. black is supposed to be my thing, they’re all just posers. 
Octavio: Captain, for the last time, we’re at a funeral. 

~~~

Neo: Can you recommend a book that'll make me cry? 
Marie: General Mathematics 8th Grade Edition. 

~~~

Neo: *writing a letter* 
Neo: Dear Santa, 
I'm writing to let you know I've been naughty... 
And it was worth it you fat, judgemental bastard. 

~~~

Callie: Octavio is a strings kid. We must sacrifice them to the band gods. 
Marie: Yes. 
Captain: You're right. It'd be a good initiation for me. 
Octavio: Wait, guys, what about the truce we signed- 
Neo: What truce? 
Callie: *sigh* The truce that we must destroy all the choir kids and leave the strings alone. 
Cuttlefish: Wait, I'm a choir kid! 
Everyone else: *prepares for sacrifice* 

~~~

Captain: I failed my safety training course today. 
Marie: Why, what happened? 
Captain: Well one of the questions was "In case of a fire, what steps would you take?" 
Marie: And? 
Captain: Well apparently "FUCKING LARGE ONES" isn't an acceptable answer. 

~~~

Neo: I like wearing oversized sweaters. Not just because they're extremely comfy and cuddly, but because whenever the sleeves are really big, I get to flop them around and smack people. 

~~~

Marie: Yeah, I'll smoke a joint tonight, but let's not get too crazy. 
*The gang proceeds to get arrested for blocking the road in large traffic cone costumes* 

~~~

Marie: Be careful about succumbing to these sorts of destructive... urges. Addiction can be a powerful thing. 
Captain: So am I. Bow down before your new supreme overlord, bitches. 

~~~

Callie, when Neo walks in: Oh, hey, I'm just making pizza. 
Callie: *accidentally smacks Octavio in the face with the baking sheet* 

~~~

*Octavio is substitute teaching* 
Student: What did you say? 
Octavio: I said, whoever threw that paper, your mom’s a hoe! 

~Captain: Since when were you a teacher? Octavio: Remember your first five attempts at fighting me? Captain: You will shut your mouth, before I remove your tongue!~

Captain: FUCK THE CHAIR. PARDON ME FOR MAKING MYSELF COMFORTABLE DURING A SINCERE HEART TO HEART DISCUSSION WITH A DEAR FRIEND IN NEED! 
Captain: BUT THE TIME HAS COME FOR ME TO CEASE STRADDLING THIS DEEPLY OFFENSIVE PIECE OF FURNITURE! AWAY WITH YE, FOUR LEGGED TEMPTRESS! DISTRACT US NO MORE WITH THE MOST BASIC AND UTILITARIAN FORM OF COMFORT YOU SUPPLY! 
Octavio: Captain just threw a tantrum about a chair. 
Octavio: I just won Captain Tantrum Bingo. 

~~~

Callie: Do you think different paints have different tastes? 
Captain: They do. 
Octavio: ...Why did you say that with such certainty? 

~~~

Marie: Can we go to a haunted house? 
Captain: What’s wrong with the one we live in? 
Marie: Wh-what? 
Captain: Goodnight, Marie. 

~~~

Chapter Text

Four: Could you maybe just like… stab me… right in the gut. Just REALLY twist it in there. ‘Cause that honestly seems less painful than this conversation. 

~~~

Captain: No, this is not a mess. You know what I consider a mess? 
Marie: Your life? 
Captain: I- well yes, but- 

~~~

Captain: Would you rather kill Callie, or— 
Marie: Yes, kill them. 
Captain: I didn’t say the other thing— 
Marie: I don’t need to hear it. 
Callie: …I’m feeling a little unsafe. 

~~~

Four, teaching Neo to drive: Okay, you're driving and Callie and Marie walk into the road. Quick, what do you hit? 
Neo: Oh, definitely Marie. I could never hurt Callie. 
Four, massaging their temples: The brakes. You hit the brakes. 

~~~

Four: How high are you? 
Marie: Mm, I don’t know how to say it in feet. 
Callie: No, they’re asking what drugs are you on. 
Marie: Oh, antidepressants, why? 

~~~

Captain: *seductively takes off glasses* Wow, you're... blurry. 

~~~

Four: Seriously, I have no idea what to do. 
Four: Oh, wait! Yahoo! Answers. 

~~~

Callie: I think I should be allowed on ghost hunter tv shows. 
Four: I think that would be dangerous for the ghosts. 

~~~

Marie: I was born for politics. I have great hair and I love lying. 

~~~

Callie: Present your best argument for eating bacon. 
Four: If animals don’t want to be eaten, then why are they made of food? 

~~~

Neo: Your smug self-assuredness is revolting. 
Eight: I think we need to validate self confidence more, lest you end up angry at others for having even a sliver of it. I've done nothing wrong and I have a heart of gold. 
Four: I think this message is extremely valid, but also Eight has implied wanting to set off the Yellowstone supervolcano, so what's the truth? 
Eight: I want to set it off. 

~~~

Four: Throw lamps at people who need to lighten up, and throw handles at someone who needs to get a grip! 
Eight: Throw a refrigerator at someone who needs to chill! 
Marie: Throw scissors at someone who needs to cut it out! 
Callie: Throw a clock at someone who needs to get with the times! 
Neo: Throw matches at someone who needs to get fired up! 
Captain: Throw a brick at someone to kill them. 

~~~

*The Squad is playing Chess* 
Callie: *easily beats everyone because they know how to play* 
Neo: *doesn’t know the rules, but wins anyway* 
Captain: *doesn’t know the rules, and loses* 
Marie: *knows the rules, but still loses to those who don’t* 
Four: Actually, you can’t do that, because I said so. 
Eight: They named a board game after cheese? 

~~~

*The Squad at Disneyland, in the teacups* 
Marie, Callie, and Captain: *spinning a little and talking* 
Four, Eight, and Neo: *flying past them, spinning as fast as they can, screaming* 

~~~

Eight: Man, they look like a real handful. How do you deal with them? 
Marie, watching Four screaming, Neo trying to set a sleeping Callie on fire, and Captain choking on air: I don't know either. 

~~~

Callie: Imagine if someone handed you a box full of all the things you lost throughout your life. 
Marie: It would be nice to have my sense of purpose back... 
Captain: Oh wow, my childhood innocence! Thank you for finding this. 
Eight: My will to live! I haven't seen this in years. 
Four: I knew I lost that potential somewhere. 
Neo: Mental stability, my old friend! 
Callie: Jesus, could you guys lighten up a little? 

~~~

Eight: She was poetry, but he couldn't read. 
Neo: His name was Jared he's 19. 
Captain: When his parents built a very strange machine. 
Callie, singing: Watch that scene, digging the dancing queen. 
Neo, singing: Eyyyy, Macarena! 
Marie: Horrible job everyone. 

~~~

Squad reactions to being called straight: 
Marie: The fuck, no I'm not. 
Four: Excuse the hell out of you? 
Callie: Ding dong, you are wrong! 
Captain: Who told you that? And why did they lie? 
Eight: Rude. 
Neo: *punches the person* 

~~~

*after the Squad has been separated for a few weeks* 
Neo: So what have you been up to recently? 
Four: Leading a revolution with Marie. 
Neo: Good for you two! Me, I've joined the mob. 
Four: *nods* Oh, how cool! That's awesome! 
Neo: I know! Anyway, have you heard from the others? Eight? 
Four: Happily living as a hermit in the woods. Captain? 
Neo: Wrongfully locked up in an asylum, which reminds me, we need to break them out later. Callie? 
Four: Cult leader. 
Neo: Yeah, that sounds about right. 

~~~

Captain: Between Marie, Eight, Four, and Neo -- if you had to -- who would you punch? 
Callie: No one! They're my friends. I wouldn't punch any of them. 
Captain: Four? 
Callie: Yeah, but I don't know why. 

~~~

Callie: *dies* 
Neo: Timer starts now! When are they coming back? I say two months! 
Captain: Bullshit. One month. 
Four: Nah, half a month. 
Marie, sobbing: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? CALLIE JUST DIED! 
Eight, scratching chin in thought: One week. 

~~~

Marie: *Posts a super low-quality image to the group chat* 
Eight: If I had a dollar for every pixel in this image, I’d have 15 cents. 
Marie: If I had a dollar for every ounce of rage I felt in my body after I read this text, I would have enough money to buy a cannon to fire at you. 
Captain: Actually I did the math, Eight would have $225, not $0.15. 
Eight: Fam I’m right here.... 
Callie: If I had a dollar I would buy a can of soda :) 
Marie: while you’re there could you buy me an apply juice please? 
Callie: Sorry I only have a dollar. 
Marie: :( 
Captain: Hey I just realized my friend is right, Eight would have $22,500 because it's a dollar for every pixel, not a cent. 
Callie: If I had $22,500 I would buy a can of soda and an apply juice. 
Captain: You can buy anything you want with $22,500. 
Four: Yeah and they want soda and apply juice. 
Captain: Apply juice to what. 
Four: Directly to the forehead. 
Eight: Great chat everyone. 

~The temptation to add yet another splatoon chatfic to the pile grows ever greater.~

*when the Squad drops food* 
Callie: Eh, oh well. 
Four: FIVE-SECOND RULE! 
Captain: FUCK! 
Marie: *just gets more food* 
Eight: *drops to their knees and mourns the food* 
Neo: *eats the food off the ground* 

~~~

Captain: If you put 'violently' in front of anything to describe your action, it becomes funnier. 
Captain: Violently practices. 
Four: Violently studies. 
Eight: Violently sleeps. 
Callie: Violently shoots pictures. 
Marie: Violently boxes. 
Neo: Violently murders people. 
Eight: Violently worries about the previous statement. 

~~~

*The Squad is on the bus, and a child is crying* 
Marie: *rolls eyes to the sky* 
Callie: *makes funny faces to get them to stop* 
Captain: *puts their earphones on at 100 volume* 
Eight: *doesn't mind, doesn't bother* 
Four: *is the reason they're crying* 
Neo: *enjoys in silence* 

~~~

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

Octarian: Reinforcements reporting, open up.
The door opens to reveal Four with a charged up splattling.
Eight: Didn't say please.

~~~

Callie: When this doesn't go as planned, which it won't, I'll be ready.
Marie: That is so reassuring.

~~~

Four: This is another fine mess -BOOM- you've gotten us into!
Callie: What? Hey, its not my fault! You were supposed to study the maps.
Four: I did, remember? When I reminded you about the giant wall and you said "Don't worry Snips, we won't be anywhere near that"

~~~

Three Octarians reacting to Captain walking towards them.
Octarian #1: You said we'd be safe back here!
Octarian #2: C'mon, there's three of us and only one of them.
Octarian #3: it won't matter.

Octarian #1, on a radio: Sir there's an agent heading our way, they look very unhappy- No, naaaah!

~~~

One of Grizzco's Helicopters goes down in the background.
Stupid Intern: Good thing those fish can't aim.
BOOM

~~~

Cuttlefish: I thought I told you not to follow me, Girls.
Marie: Yes, well I took a lesson from Callie and decided not to follow orders.
Callie: Hey!

~~~

Cuttlefish: Its a sort of mind control, a hive mind. It thinks it can posses us.
Eight: Great, found out everything you wanted to know yet?
Cuttlefish: No wait, I want to see how it works.
Eight: I don't think Three wants to see how it works.
Three: No, I don't.
Cuttlefish: I'm curious. The more we know the better.
Tartar with the sanitised ink approaching.png
Three: I disagree!
Eight: So do I.
Cuttlefish: Come now the nose or the ear, which do you think it will enter?
Three getting traumatised.jpeg
Eight: Sigh I think the nose.

~~~

Eight: Cuttlefish, look out!
Slaps sanatised ink bottle out of Cuttlefish's hand and destroys it.
Cuttlefish: Wah uh- EIGHT NO.
Eight: Argh, got it.
Cuttlefish: What are you doing, I was going to study that!
Eight: Study the bottom of my boot. Come on lets get out of here!

~~~

Eight: All things considered, that went better than I expected.
Cuttlefish: I wish we could have gotten some of that ink.

~~~

Chapter Text

Frye: Are you coming to bed? 
Shiver: I can't. This is important. 
Frye: What? 
Shiver: Someone is wrong on the internet. 

~~~

Pearl, ordering coffee: I’d like a light roast. 
Four: You're kinda ugly. 

~~~

Shiver: For most of human history, vehicles had automatic collision avoidance and could even take you home if you were asleep or drunk. But then we got rid of the horse. 
Pearl: You complete moron. You stupid fucking idiot. "Cars would be better if they could bite and shit" – that was you just now, dumbass. 
Pearl: "Wouldn't it be cool if cars could piss? Wouldn't it be cool if cars could fuck?" Fuck off. 
Four: It would be cool if cars could fuck. 
Neo: We... We still have horses. 

~~~

Neo: So... who's the big spoon and who's the little spoon? 
Shiver: We're chopsticks! 
Neo: Well... that's cute! 
Neo: Does that mean you two snuggle together perfectly? 
Frye: No, it means that if you take the other away, the only thing the other is good for is stabbing. 

~~~

Pearl: Don't break someone's heart, they only have one. 
Four: Break one of their bones instead, they have 206 of them. 

~~~

Four: I have so much energy, I want to run a marathon or commit a crime... which should I do? 
Little Buddy: Please don’t get arrested. 
Four: No promises! ;3 
Neo: Why not both? Get creative! 
Four: Wonderful suggestion, thank you. 
Little Buddy: Please don’t encourage them, Neo.

~~~

Four: What have you done with Neo? 
Frye: Nothing. Why, do you think I should? 

~~~

Neo: You are now one day closer to eating your next plate of nachos. 
Four: That's the most hopeful thing I've ever heard. 
Little Buddy: But what if I die tomorrow and never eat any nachos? 
Pearl: Then tomorrow is nacho lucky day. 

~~~

Four: Can you keep a secret? 
Shiver: Do you know anything about my life? 
Four: No, I don't. Good point. 

~~~

Little Buddy: What are you two arguing about this time? 
Neo: They’re always using common phrases incorrectly! 
Four: Cry me a table, Neo. 

~~~

Little Buddy: Four told me to stop being immature, so I told them to get out of my fort. 

~~~

Neo: I feel like I have died and gone to heaven. 
Shiver: I have that dream, too, but you go in the other direction. 

~~~

Neo, holding in their laughter: Hey, how do you ask a glass of water what it’s doing? 
Little Buddy: A glass of water is an inanimate object. Therefore, it's incapable of having a thought process or understanding basic human language. 
Neo: 
Neo: Water you doing? 

~~~

Shiver: You’re an idiot. 
Frye: That’s the charm. 

~~~

Four: Dumbest scar stories, go! 
Little Buddy: I burned my tongue once drinking tea. 
Shiver: I dropped a hair dryer on my leg once and it burned. 
Pearl: I have a piece of graphite in my leg for accidentally stabbing myself with a pencil in the first grade. 
Frye: I was taking a cup of noodles out of the microwave and spilled it in my hand and I got a really bad burn. 
Neo: I have emotional scars. 

~~~

Four: I haven't seen Neo and Little Buddy for fifteen minutes now. 
*Outside a nearby window, a car without a driver inside is seen rolling down a driveway, with Neo and Little Buddy running after it in a panic. Four doesn't look outside at all.* 
Four: That probably means they're getting into trouble. 

~~~

*The squad has just arrived in a new city. Shiver looks around at the wanted posters to see if they’re on any of them.* 
Four: Shiver, are you a criminal? 
Shiver: Not here, I’m not! 

~~~

Neo: Little Buddy, what is the ONE thing I asked you NOT to do tonight? 
Little Buddy: Raise the dead. 
Neo: And what did you do? 
Little Buddy: Raise the dead. 

~~~

Little Buddy: I am convinced Neo and Four share a brain cell. 
Pearl: And it's not in use very often, it seems. 

~~~

Shiver: Did you bring Neo? 
Four, gesturing to Pearl: No, but I brought the next best thing. 
Shiver: Pearl? The next best thing would be Little Buddy. 
Pearl: I would be offended, but Little Buddy is freakishly strong. 

~~~

Four: Neo is restricted to decaf for the rest of this adventure. 

~~~

Shiver: What do you do when someone offers you drugs? 
Frye: Take them! 
Four: Punch them in the neck! 
Little Buddy: Say thank you! 
Neo: Offer them more drugs to assert dominance! 
Shiver: … 
Shiver: No. 

~~~

Four: I’m going to hell. 
Neo: Probably. 
Four: I'll pick you up? 
Neo: *nodding* Carpool. 

~~~

Frye: How are you today? 
Four: Please don’t make me think about my life. 

~~~

Chapter Text

Neo: I hate how you're just born out of nowhere, and you're forced to go to school and get education so you can get a job. What if I wanted to be a duck? No one ever asked me if I want to be a duck! 

~~~

Eight, watching Captain do something stupid: Neo, you're officially only the second highest risk here. 
Neo: Hell yeah! I'm gonna— 
Eight: Don't finish that sentence, you'll move back up. 

~~~

Neo: Hey, no, you stay out of this, this is between me and Eight! 
Captain: So Eight knows about this? 
Neo, walking away: No, this is between me and me! 

~~~

Eight: So what’s the plan? 
Neo: I don’t know. You’re smart, *points at Captain* they’re mean, come up with something. 

~~~

Eight: *accidentally eats something too spicy so their eyes start to water* 
Captain: Eight, look at me. It's okay. I would die for you. I love you so much. You're the best person I know. 
Eight: I'm not crying? 
Captain, hugging Eight's head: Shush baby, it's okay. Neo is here and they love you with their whole heart. 

~~~

Eight: Watcha doin? 
Captain: Stealing my neighbour’s cat. 
Eight: Scandalous. 
Eight: Can I help? 

~Look sometimes they want to steal Judd.~

Eight: We've got to find a way to cut down our expenses. What can we live without? 
Captain: Neo, probably. 

~~~

Eight: I can't take you seriously wearing that. 
Captain: Aw, you take me seriously at all? 
Eight: Fair point. 

~~~

Eight: I am going to need you to swear- 
Captain: Fuck. 
Eight: 
Eight: ...swear as in promise. 

~~~

Neo (brainstorming ideas for pranking Eight): How much could a serial killer mask possibly cost? 
Captain: Well it’s hard to find a high-quality one made out of leather or silicone, but if you did find a good one like that it’d be a couple thousands of dollars. I can try to hook you up with one but I don’t know if I’d be very successful. 
Neo: Huh, that’s pretty interesting actually- Wait, how the hell do you know that? 
Captain: …I am very passionate about Halloween,Neo. 

~~~

Neo: "29-34 Give a particular ecosystem and explain how could it be protected." 
Neo: Help. 
Captain: Forests, stop cutting down trees and don't hold gender reveal parties anywhere near them. 

~~~

Captain: We have fun, don’t we, Eight? 
Eight: I have never been more stressed out in my entire life. 

~~~

Captain: I have yet to encounter a problem where a sword didn't factor into the solution at least in some way. 

~~~

Eight: Some people are like slinkies. 
Captain: What? 
Eight: Not really good for much but bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs. 
Captain: 
Captain: Please don't push Neo down the stairs. 
Eight, pushing Neo down the stairs: Too late. 

~~~

Eight: That's not funny. 
Neo: I thought it was funny. 
Eight: You don't count. You started laughing in the middle of a funeral because you started thinking of a meme you saw on Facebook. 

~~~

Captain, planning a group disguise: You cannot be Blake Bortles. 
Neo: Fine! Then I’ll be Jake- 
Eight, under their breath: Don’t say Jortles. 
Neo: Jortles! And I work at the molotov cocktail department. 

~~~

Eight: Captain, get that hidious thing out of the living room, would you? 
Captain: Neo, Eight wants you to get out of the house. 

~~~

Neo & Captain:*Playing video games* 
Eight: You guys woke up at 5:30 in the morning just to play games? 
Neo: *silence* 
Captain: *silence* 
Eight, finally figuring it out: ...You two never went to sleep, did you? 
Neo & Captain in shame: Yeah... 

~~~

Captain: Just think about this! I’m your hottest friend. 
Captain: No, that’s Neo… I’m your nicest friend. 
Captain: No, Eight... I’m your friend! 

~~~

Captain: HEY HEY HEY! DON’T TOUCH THOSE! 
Eight, touching a figurine: Why? What’s wrong with touching a doll? 
Captain: THAT IS NOT A DOLL! This is a figurine, thank you very much. 
Neo, from afar: IT’S JUST A STIFF DOLL! 
Eight: FIGURINE MY ASS! IT’S JUST A STIFF DOLL— as Neo said! 
Captain: I hate all of you. That is a limited edition figurine I got from a conventio— 
Eight: *Drops figurine on the ground* 
Captain: —n. It was $100; all my money just went down the fucking drain. 

~~~

Captain: What’s it like being tall? 
Captain: Is it nice? 
Captain: Can you reach comfortably for the cupboards? 
Eight: We live in constant fear of the short ones who, in my experience, will climb 4 chairs, 2 boxes, a small coffee table and 6 oddly placed stools to get what they want. 
Neo: It was one time! 

~~~

Captain: Due to personal reasons, I will be fucking sinking to the bottom of the ocean in a large metal box. 
Neo: Did Eight say 'I love you' and you said 'Thanks'? 
Captain: THE REASONS ARE PERSONAL– 

~~~

Eight: Two bros! 
Captain: Chillin' in a hot tub! 
Eight and Captain, in unison: Zero feet apart 'cause we're GAY AS FUCK! 

~~~

Neo: So, what is Eight to you? 
Captain: The reason I wake up every morning. 
Neo: ...That’s adorable. 
Eight earlier that morning, barging into Captain′s room, smacking pans together: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP!!! 

~~~

Captain: Valentine’s day is just a consumerist holiday that holds no real value other than drive people insane buying heart shaped chocolates for their significant others and pos- 
Eight: I wrote you a poem. 
Captain, already crying: You did? 

~~~

Chapter Text

Octavio: Hello, my name is Failure, and you're watching my life crumble into pieces. 
Octavio:  *waves their finger and sings like they're in a Disney Channel intro* 

~~~

Neo: What are your three best qualities? 
Eight: I’m hot, I have soft hair, and sometimes I cry because I love my friends. 

~~~

Shiver: Quitting! It's like trying, but easier. 

~~~

Eight, very tired: Can I sleep in your bed? 
Marina: *half asleep* Eight, this is a queen-sized bed. That means it’s for *gestures vaguely to themself* the Queen. 

~~~

Octavio: Truth or dare? 
Neo: Truth. 
Octavio: How many hours have you slept this week? 
Neo: 
Neo: Dare. 
Octavio: Go to sleep. 
Neo: I don't like this game. 

~~~

Shiver, pointing to Eight and Marina: Distract them! I'll be right back! *leaves* 
Neo: Okay! 
*five minutes later* 
Shiver: *returns and sees Eight and Marina unconscious on the ground* What did you do? I said distract them, not knock them out! 
Neo: There's just no pleasing you sometimes. 

~~~

Octavio: The first time Eight opened a box of Cheerios and looked inside they yelled, "OH WOW! DONUT SEEDS!" 

~~~

Marina: Fruits that do not live up to their names; passionfruit, grapefruit, honeydew and dragonfruit. 
Marina: Fruits that do live up to their names? 
Marina: Orange. 

~~~

Shiver I got us matching friendship bracelets, and you say I don't care about our relationship. 
Marina: These are handcuffs. 
Shiver: Yeah, 'cause we're partners in crime! 

~~~

Eight: What did you two do? 
Neo: 
Octavio: 
Eight: You’re not in trouble, I just need to know if I have to lie to the police again or not. 

~~~

Neo: Don’t worry, I have a permit. 
Octavio: ...This just says “I can do what I want”. 

~~~

Neo: I think we should kiss. 
Shiver: And I think you should die but we don’t always get what we want. 

~~~

Shiver: Get in, loser, we’re committing vehicular manslaughter! 

~~~

Eight: If I say I love you, will you say it back? 
Octavio: Yes. 
Eight: I love you. 
Octavio: It back. 
*Later* 
Marina: Why is Eight crying face-down on the floor? 

~~~

Shiver: Anyone down to take couples counseling and see at what point the therapist realizes we barely know each other? 
Neo: Idiots to lovers, 20k words, angst with a happy ending. 

~~~

Shiver: Though I admit I don’t know much about you, I am feeling pretty confident in my assessment that you are probably some sort of sick deadly fuck. 
Octavio: Who told you my secret? 

~~~

Chapter Text

Marie: *dangling from a rope over a pit of fire* Remember when I said I’d tell you when we’re in too deep? 
Captain: Yes? 
Marie: We’re in too deep. 

~~~

Octavio: They made Neo cry! 
Marie: Neo always cries! 
Neo: That's not true! *cries* 

~~~

Marie: Okay, can we all stop saying stupid shit for a moment, please?! 
Captain: Alright. 
Octavio: Hey, I- 
Marie: SHUT UP! 
Octavio: I HAVEN'T EVEN FINISHED MY SENTENCE!! 
Captain: It was bound to be stupid. 

~~~

Neo: Happy October 32nd! Second Halloween! 
Marie: That doesn't exist. 
Neo: Not with that attitude. 

~~~

Marie, making coffee: This is going to fix everything. 

~~~

Marie: Who the fuck broke the toaster? 
Captain: It was Callie. 
Neo: It was Callie. 
Four: Callie broke it. 
Callie: 
Callie: ...YOU PROMISED- 

~~~

Captain: Being half asleep and feeling someone gently plant a kiss on your forehead is one of the purest kinds of love in the world. 
Marie: Unless you're home alone. 

~Intermission~

Tanker (We're breaking the fourth wall again): I was randomising the names on a quote and got woken by a message that started with "Congratulations," but accidently double pressed the shuffle names out of actual terror at the sudden paragraph. Was that a thing congratulating me on like a thousand quotes or something?
Marie: Dumbass.
Tanker: Thanks Marie.
Marie: I aim to please.

~Ok but seriously the fuck was that?~

Marie: What do rainbows mean to you? 
Four: Gay rights. 
Callie: There's money. 
Neo: The sign of God's promise to never destroy the whole Earth with a flood. 
Captain: It is an optical phenomenon that separates sunlight into its continuous spectrum when the sun shines on raindrops. 

~~~

Four: When will Ted himself...finally show up to the talk? 
Captain: The final boss. 
Marie: You guys know TEDtalks stands for technology, entertainment, and design talks, right? 
Four: I will not let Ted hide behind these lies any longer! 

~~~

Marie: Tell Octavio off, Four! Assert yourself! 
Four: That's my ice cream! 
Marie: Good! Now let them have it!! 
Four, handing Octavio the ice cream: Here, you can have it! 

~~~

Marie: I'd make fun of your height but there isn't enough to make fun of. 

~~~

Captain: I’m having salad for dinner! 
Marie: 
Captain: Well, fruit salad. 
Captain: Actually, it’s mostly grapes. 
Marie: 
Captain: Okay, it’s all grapes. 
Captain: Fermented grapes. 
Marie: 
Captain: 
Marie: 
Captain: It’s wine. 
Captain: I’m having wine for dinner. 

~~~

Callie: Oh, hey, I didn’t see you come in! You should have come by and said hello! 
Marie: Oh! Yeah, I uh... 
Marie: Didn’t want to bother you. 
Marie: Or talk to or listen to or be around you. 

~Callie: Why?~

Marie: I think you're still suffering the effects of your party last night. 
Callie: All I drank was Redbull! 
Marie: How many? 
Callie: Eighteen. 

~Marie: That's why~

Four: My ultimate goal is to punch God in the eye, just to spite him one last time. 

~Cap: Mar-  Marie: I already got the chair and notepad out.~

Marie: We’ll find another route, it’s not safe for amateur adventurers. 
Neo: That sounds like a challenge. 
Marie: I have to stress, that is not a challenge. 
Neo: ...Is exactly what you say to dissuade the weak of heart from accepting the challenge. Well, challenge accepted! 
Marie: There is no challenge! 

~~~

Marie: What are you drinking? 
Captain: Vodka. 
Marie: Straight? 
Captain: No, gay. Why? 

~~~

Marie: Did you win? Or just not die? 
Marie: Either way, hooray. 
Octavio: ...Is "no" a valid answer? 
Marie: The hooray is redacted and you frighten me. 

~~~

Callie, shooing Marie away: Can you go be depressed over there? You’re bumming out my whole area. 

~~~

Captain: *cooking* 
Callie: *kicks down door* 
Callie: *grabs knife from Captain's hand* 
Callie: WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR? 
Captain: 
Captain: What. 
Marie: They're trying to tell you they want to cook. 

~~~

Chapter Text

Four: Tell them to eat shit, Marie. 
Marie: Tell them yourself. 
Four: Eat shit, asshole. Fall of your horse. 

~~~

Four: Words ending in 'ie' just sound so adorable. Like cutie, sweetie, cookie- 
Cuttlefish: Eyy, homie! 
Callie: But then there's cootie... 
Captain: Die. 

~~~

Callie: You're a lying piece of shit! 
Four: Oh yeah? You're the idiot that thinks you can get away with everything you do, WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD! 
Captain: I'm leaving and I'm taking Eight with me! 
Marie, gathering cards: Aaaaand that's enough Monopoly for today. 

~On topic, the monopoly fic is in writers block hell while my hyperfixation is on other things.~

Four: I woke up and chose VIOLENCE. I WILL COMMIT ARSON AND BURN EVERYTHING TO THE GROUND!!! I AM ANGRY- 
Marie: Awwww, you’re so adorable! Give me a hug~ 
Four: Wh-What? nO, yOURE SUPPOSED TO BE SCARED OF ME! TREMBLE BEFORE MY WRATH- 
Callie, recording: This is so cute. 

~~~

Captain: Four, remember when you said you weren’t going to interfere with my love life? 
Four: No, that doesn’t sound like me at all. 

~~~

Cuttlefish: Are you a cuddler? 
Four: I'm a machine of death and destruction. 
Cuttlefish: 
Four: ...Yeah, I'm a cuddler. 

~~~

Marie: What are you writing? 
Four: The government wants to know what kind of weapons we have in the house. I'm letting them know it's private information. 
Marina, looking over Four's shoulder: This just says 'fuck around and find out' in calligraphy. 

~~~

Captain: We can't lose. Because we have this. *points to their chest* 
Four: We have heart? 
Captain: Heart? No, me. I'm pointing at myself. I'm going to win this for us. 

~~~

Four: When I see initials carved into a tree with a heart I think it’s so romantic. Two lovers on a date... one of them carrying a knife for some reason. 

~~~

Marie: *sees someone doing something stupid* 
Marie: What an idiot. 
Marie: *realizes it's Four* 
Marie: Wait, that's MY idiot! 

~~~

Four: I know what a prism is! It's where you put bad people. 

~~~

Four: Hey, Marina you're smart, tell me what would happen if I chugged 3 gallons of chloroform. 
Marina: Have you ever been to a mortuary? 
Four: Yea, my grandma lives there. 
Pearl: That is the worst response to that question. 

~~~

Neo: Given the circumstances, I will let you hug me for four to five seconds. 
Four: Forty five seconds?!? 
Neo: No! I said four TO five seconds. 
Four, hugging Neo: Too late. 

~~~

Four: And here we see Neo and Captain in their natural habitat. Texting eachother variations of the word "garlic bread" to try to make eachother laugh. 
Neo: Gaelic bread. 
Captain: Grueling brad. 
Neo: Ha ha, glamorous beans. 

~Now the ace in me wants garlic bread but the brain inside me says that I've just eaten.~

Four: Here comes the lightning! 
Four, whispering: You've got to imagine it coming out my fingertips, wherein I am an almighty wizard. 
Neo: Ok, currently imagining that. Hmm, not bad. Not bad at all. 

~~~

Eight: So Octavio was just using me? 
Captain: I’m sorry, Eight. 
Four, trying to contain their amusement: You must feel pretty stupid right now. 
Eight: 
Captain: Ok, that’s a time-out. 
Four: No, I was just trying to- 
Captain: Go sit over there! 
Four: *walks away in defeat* 

~~~

*While planning to break in somewhere* 
Four: Hey, let's do "Get Help!" 
Captain: What? 
Four: "Get Help." 
Captain: No. 
Four: C'mon, you love it! 
Captain: I hate it. 
Four: It's great! It works every time! 
Captain: It's humiliating. 
Four: Do you have a better plan? 
Captain: No. 
Four: We're doing it! 
Captain: We are not doing "Get Help!" 
*A Minute Later* 
Four, carrying Captain: Get help! Please! They're dying! Help Them! *throws Captain at guards, knocking them out* 
Four: Ahh, classic! 
Captain: *gets up* I still hate it. It's humiliating. 
Four, laughing: Not for me, it's not. 

~~~

Four: No thanks, I'm god. 

~~~

Eight: The odds of this happening by coincidence are vanishingly small. 
Cuttlefish: I would say infinitesimally. 
Four: And I'd say teenily-weenily. We all know words. 

~~~

Pearl: A butterfly! Hey, little guy, gal or nonbinary pal! 
Octavio: Can a butterfly be nonbinary? 
Neo: I mean, maybe? I don't judge. 
Callie, staring dreamily out of the window: Ah, have you ever imagine having butterfly wings? Then- 
Pearl: Then it would be inconvenient as fuck. Your wings would smack every doorframe and your clothes would have to have holes in the back. 
Marina: Also, your wing's paper thin, so even a six year old aimed a NERF gun at it would... Yeah... 
Four: *sips coffee* According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a- 
Callie:  No, nononono. You fuckers have already shattered my dream, you don't get the fucking privilege to make that reference. 
Octavio: Also, it's about a butterfly, not a bee... Why would you make that reference? 
Neo: You clearly have not lived with them long enough. 

~~~

Cuttlefish: What happened to your nose? 
Four: I used it to break some guy's fist. 

~~~

Four: *makes Callie a cup of tea but puts salt in it* 
Callie: *sips tea* 
Four: 
Callie: *finishes tea* 
Four: Didn't it taste bad? 
Callie: Yeah, but I didn't want to hurt your feelings so I drank it all. 
Four, tearing up: Oh, okay. 

~~~

Cuttlefish, to Four: ...And I need you and Marie to help, and by "help" I mean "do everything." 

~~~

Four: I'm usually that person who has no idea what's going on. 

~~~

Four: What? I'm not aggressive! 
Octavio: Last Tuesday, you wacked me with a pair of crocs and stole my chocolate chips? 
Four: Survival of the fittest, bitch. 

~~~

Marie, confused and exasperated: Four, how do you plan on telling a bear to go vegan? 
Four: Politely. 

~Insert Four's brilliant four step plan to defeat Grizz. 1.Make him go vegan. 2.Let him starve. 3.??? 4.Profit. Captain: And this is why we're sending you on any other mission.~

Four: I’ve been sleeping so little the past few nights that when I go to the alarm app, I click on the “power nap” button. I don’t set up alarms, I set up timers, Pearl. 

~~~

Octavio You’re drunk. 
Four:Correction: drinking. Present tense. Grammar, Octavio. 

~~~

Cuttlefish: You’re just being paranoid. Again. 
Four: When have I been paranoid? 
Cuttlefish: Um, when you first met Eight you thought they were an undercover cop…? 
Four: No one has a wart that big, I thought it was a surveillance camera! 
Cuttlefish: And last year you were sure Neo was a mermaid! 
Four: They hate wearing shirts! COINCIDENCE?! 
*Later, when Four’s theory is proven wrong* 
Cuttlefish: Do you have anything to say for yourself? 
Four: I still think Neo is a mermaid. 

~~~

Eight: Are you the big spoon or the little spoon? 
Four: I'm a knife. 
Callie, from across the room: They're the little spoon. 

~~~

Pearl, watching Marie & Four panic : What's going on? 
Captain: Marie is having a midlife crisis and Four is just having a crisis. 

~~~

Four: Cuttlefish likes to say ‘you can be part of the problem or part of the solution,’ but I happen to believe you can be both. 

~~~

Chapter Text

Four: Neo won’t wake up, what do I do? 
Marie: Did you try kicking them? 
Four: Yes. 
Marie: I’m out of ideas. 

~~~

Callie: You can do it Neo! 
Callie: But if you can't, at least your death will be quick, painless, and really cool to watch. 

~~~

Cap: I think it’s time I get my life in order. 
Marie, narrating: But they did not get their life in order. In fact, they got drunk last night and fought a raccoon. 

~~~

Eight: Do you ever feel bugs on you when really there’s nothing there? 
Four: Those are the ghosts of the bugs you killed before. 
Eight: 
Eight: *sobs* 
Cap: You fucking scared them, you idiot. 

~~~

Cap, smugly, after security arrives to escort Marie and Callie out: So, do you wanna walk out of here or do you wanna be carried out? 
Marie, in defeat: Let’s go. 
Callie: Wait. 
Marie: What? 
Callie: I’d kinda like to be carried out... 

~~~

Neo: We either die free, or die trying! 
Cap: Are those the only choices? 

~~~

*The Squad is gathered in the living room for a meeting* 
Eight: *walks in and sits on Cap’s lap* 
The Squad: … 
Callie: Why are you sitting there? 
Eight: There’s no free seats! 
Callie: But we made sure there was enough room for- 
Cap: *hugs Eight tightly* There are no free seats. 

~~~

Cap: Okay, if we can't do it by sheer force, we'll do it my way. 
Marie: But your way is sheer force! 

~~~

Cap: Hey, do you know the password to Neo’s computer? 
Callie: Fuck you, Cap. 
Cap: Hey!! 
Callie: No, you misunderstood, the password is "fuckyouCap". 
Cap: Oh, no numbers? Not very safe. 

~~~

Eight: Thank you for not saying "I told you so." 
Marie: When you’re as right as I am, you don’t have to say it. 

~~~

Eight, putting their hands over Cap's eyes: Guess who! 
Cap: It's either Eight or the cold, clammy hands of death. 
Eight, putting their hands away: It's Eight! 
Cap: Dammit. 

~~~

Cap: Okay! Let’s play Kiss Marry Kill! 
Cap: First who would you kill? 
*Callie points at Marie* 
*Four points at Marie* 
*Eight points at Marie* 
Marie: *shrugs* I would kill me too. 

~~~

Cap: Four! For the love of god, please turn down that music. I have a hangover. 
Four: *blasting the mii theme at full volume* That sounds like a you problem, not a mii problem. 

~~~

Four: Is Marie always like this when they lose? 
Cap: Oh, yes. You should've been there for the Great Jenga Tantrum of 2015. 
Marie: You bumped that table and you know it! 

~Splatoon 1 came out the 28th of may 2015... PAIN~

Marie: Alright, listen up you little shits. 
Marie: Not you Eight. You’re an angel and we’re thrilled you’re here. 

~~~

Callie, acting tough: You guys don't want to mess with me. 
Neo: Yeah, Callie will straight up cry in public. Don't try them. 
Callie: Exactly, I will straight up- 
Callie: 
Callie, tearing up: Neo, why would you say that?! 

~~~

Cap: I personally don't think it's possible to come up with a crazier plan. 
Eight: We could attack them with hummus. 
Cap: I stand corrected. 
Eight: Just keeping things in perspective. 

~~~

*In a group chat* Callie: A pegan just flew into my window. 
Cap: Pegan? 
Eight: A what? 
Marie: Ah yes, my favourite bird, Pegan. 
Neo: I thought you said penguin for a second, LMAO! 
Marie: Just a normal day with flying penguins crashing into my window. 
Neo: You have pigeons flying into your window? Can't relate, I have penguins flying into my window. 
Callie: I literally just made a typo- 

~~~

Marie, gardening: Hey, can you bring me the hoe? 
Four: Yeah, sure. 
*A few minutes later* 
Four: Here you go. 
Marie: 
Four: 
Callie: Why am I here? 

~~~

Marie: Yo dumbass, get over here. 
Four: Okay- 
Callie: *gleefully runs past* I’m coming! 
Four, sadly: I thought... I was dumbass... 

~~~

Marie: Hey, what’s the name of the guy who lives down the hall? 
Neo: His cats' names are Walter and Rose. 
Marie: That's not what I asked. 
Neo: That is all the information I have. 

~~~

Four: How do you tell someone that you wanna have sex with them in a polite way? 
Neo: Excuse me Mx. Would you give me the honours of indulging in sexual activities with you? 
Marie: What the fuck is wrong with you two? 

~~~

Cap: Eight is too tall for me to kiss them on the lips. What should I do? 
Four: Punch them in the stomach. Then, when they double over in pain, kiss them. 
Marie: Tackle them! 
Callie: Dump them. 
Neo: Kick them in the shin! 
Eight: No to all of those! Just ask me to lean down!! 

~~~

Marie: Are you busy? 
Cap: Yes. 
Marie: Cool, listen to this... 

~~~

Callie, excitedly: Heeyy!! 
Marie: Hey, someone's excited. 
Cap, deadpan: Yeah, and it's making me sick. 

~~~

Callie: Guess what I'm about to get! 
Cap: On my nerves. 

~~~

Eight: ...I'm pretty sure that place is fire-proof, or something. 
Cap, grenade in hand: Alright, but is it explosion-proof? 

~~~

Cap: What’s something you guys are better than Eight at? 
Four: Mario Kart. 
Callie: Yeah, video games. 
Marie: Emotional vulnerability. 

~~~

Marie: I’m telling you, my team is competent. 
Neo, rushing in: Marie! Callie tried to make pasta in the coffee pot and now it's broken! 

~~~

Marie: "Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge" - Charles Darwin 
Callie: What the fuck? Begets isn't a word. Quit trying to make up words, fuckface. 

~~~

Callie: *shoves their hand in the slot of a toaster* 
Eight: … 
Callie: …I get confused sometimes. 
Eight: Me too. 

~~~

Marie: Are you drunk? 
Eight: Only on the spirit of Christmas! 
Cap: And the spirit of whisky. 

~~~

Cap, looking at a selfie of Eight’s: I hate this photo. 
Eight: I’m cute as fuck in that photo! I’m smiling kindly. 
Cap: You’re not smiling kindly; you look like you’re up to something. 
Eight: Up to kindness. 

~~~

Cap: "It's easy to forget what a sin is in the middle of a battlefield." 
Eight: Opposite over hypotenuse. 
Eight: Dipshit. 

~~~

Chapter Text

Marie: Why are there little handprints all over the walls? 
Callie, whispering: Why are there little handprints all over the walls? 
Shiver, whispering: Because I have little hands. 
Callie: Because they have little hands. 

~~~

Callie: I trusted you! 
Shiver: Why? 

~~~

Callie: Yes, I'm adopting Shiver and you cowards can't tell me no! 

~~~

Callie: Name a more iconic duo than my crippling fear of abandonment and my anxiety. I’ll wait. 
Marie: You and me! 
Callie: *tearing up* Ok. 

~~~

Shiver: Well, has Callie been wrong before? 
Marie: How wide are we willing to open this up? 

~~~

Callie: Are you mad? 
Shiver: No. 
Callie: So sharpening your knives at 3 in the morning is just a hobby? 

~Shiver: It actually is.~

Shiver: You’re charged with…..breaking into a pet store? 
Callie: I thought the animals might be lonely. 

~~~

Shiver: You are an absolute fucking dork. 
Callie, singing: Yeah, but I'm your dork! 
Shiver: *sighs* Yeah, you're my dork. 

~~~

Callie: I’m genuinely surprised you haven’t gotten arrested, let alone gotten a felony yet. 
Shiver: Nat 20 Charisma. 
Callie: That is NOT how that works- 

~~~

Callie: Marie’s gonna kill me. 
Shiver: No, they'll probably make me do it. 

~~~

Shiver: Callie just insisted Marie and I remember a code word in case we’re ever confronted by their clone or a cyborg doppelgänger and we’re not sure which is the real them and which is the imposter. 
Shiver: Some families have a fire escape plan, but not us. 

~~~

Callie: I wouldn’t put it in those words exactly. 
Shiver: Why not? 
Callie: Because I don't know what they mean. 

~~~

Shiver, texting: Callie, will you please go to sleep? 
Callie, texting back: What makes you think you didn’t just wake me up? 
Shiver, yelling: I CAN HEAR YOU CLAPPING TO THE FRIENDS THEME EVERY TWENTY MINUTES SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP! 
Shiver, texting: Just a hunch :) You goin’ to sleep soon? 
Callie, texting: I’m trying 
Shiver, yelling again: TRY HARDER I HAVE A 5:45 AM MEETING TOMORROW BITCH 
Shiver, texting: Okay, don’t stay up too late or you’ll be cranky :) 

~~~

Callie: I have locked Shiver in a cage designed by their own art. Oh, they have been well and truly hoist by their own petard. 
Marie: Could you put it another way? I didn’t understand a word of that. 
Callie: I’m blackmailing them. 
Marie: Oh, happy days. 

~~~

Marie: Callie said I was their second favorite person, and I was bummed, but then they said Shiver is third. They have no favorite person. They’re holding the position open. 

~Cap: Its me. Marie: You're not in this chapter, shut up.~

Callie, texting Shiver: Text me when you’re home safely. 
Shiver: I’m home dangerously. 
Callie: Stop it. 
Shiver: I’m home lethally. 

~~~

Marie: Why did you guys dress up as each other for Halloween? 
Callie: Shiver is the scariest thing I could think of! 
Shiver: Callie told me I should pick the dumbest costume possible. 

~~~

Callie: Marie, gather the others. We need to have another Shiver-is-doing-something-stupid-again-and-we-have-to-stop-them-before-they-hurt-someone convention. 

~~~

Shiver: Would anyone know any good vendors for professional-quality brass knuckles? 
Marie: I know you’re serious, but you say the scariest shit sometimes. 

~~~

Shiver: Who's in charge here? 
Callie, shrugging: Usually whoever yells the loudest. 

~~~

Chapter Text

Marie: I think I need a hug... 
Callie: Good thing I'm hug shaped! 
*45 minutes later* 
Marie: You... you can let go now. 
Callie: No, I absolutely cannot. 

~~~

Eight: *sharpens knife* We've got ways of making people talk. 
Eight: *cuts piece of cake* 
Octavio: ...Can I have some? 
Eight: Cake is for talkers. 

~~~