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Chapter Text

The walk across the rainbow bridge from the meeting hall to An ding peak consisted of half a chichen, giving him enough time to plan out his next few days.

The meeting with his king was tomorrow so he had to get at least some work done before he would step through that nauseating portal and resume to his tasks at the northern palace. Besides paperwork and multiple meetings, he would attend some kind of weird event between the realms.

He would attend as the northern king's advisor with Mobei-jun and his Cucumber-bro would come to not only represent the sect but also as Binghes wif-husband.

Qinghua wasn't looking forward to the meetings or that weird event. He just wanted to sleep. 

His peak was just as beautiful as it always was when he managed to get a look at it once a month or so.

The leaves were in beautiful shades of orange and red, the brown ones adding to the sea of leaves covering the ground. 

In Between some of those autumn colored leaves were green ones, the sunlight breaking through those made the wet on them glisten beautifully.

The peak lord allowed himself to take that sight in, saving it in the hidden depth of his mind.

A depth where he was hiding his feelings and sometimes consciousness, creating a safe space for when he needed it.

But he didn’t have time to properly enjoy it while taking a calming walk, temporarily freeing his soul of the worries and demons that clouded his mind.

No. He didn't have that privilege.

Walks like these weren’t reserved for people like him.

Looking at his face in the reflection of a puddle next to his feet, he grimaced slightly.

He looked horrible.

–

He had managed to actually finish quite a bit of work before he got picked up by his ice demon.

After changing into his robes, he sat down at his desk and worked through the scrolls. When he was finished, Mobei-Jun was already waiting for him in front of his quarters, hands behind his back and an icy-look on his face.

Qinghua was so tired, even his mumbling was too weird and without logic to the point where his beloved king had to stop him.

“Is Qinghua feeling alright?” he asks in a deep voice, receiving a nod as answer.

Mobei-jun narrowed his eyes, clearly unfooled. Before Airplane could be interrogated further, the doors opened to reveal a dozen nosy demons staring at them. When did they walk here? He hadn’t even noticed.

Great.

Qinghua felt incredibly uncomfortable at the stares, assured that they noticed his horrible state.

He always looked bad but today it was exceptionally bad, his hair just not quite right, his robes looked horrible on him-

A hand on his back led him to his place next to the king, his “rightful” place as an advisor.

He didn’t feel that way.

Still, he straightened his back and organized his scrolls while his king started the war council, his deep voice filling the halls despite talking at a normal volume.

Airplane didn’t need the scrolls, he had most of the data saved in his head.

“Despite agreeing to hand over at least 10% of their border, the southern regions have failed to do so. We already extended the requested period of time, showing misplaced mercy. We also just recently found out about a spy they send to get close to the council with the intention of either assassinating me or the king himself.

We won't tolerate such blatant disrespect towards the king himself and-” he stopped himself, only for a second. He couldn’t include himself. No way. 

“- have decided to take immediate action.”

He rolled out a scroll of the southern territory and marked a few points.

“Our spies have recorded these as weak points, relatively easy to break through. Based on the other information we’ve been given..”

Exhausted already, Qinghua made his way back to his rooms, intending on finishing some more work and maybe, finally, taking a bath.

For some reason his king joined him on his way back. For a bit he was quiet, not noticing that they had reached their destiny. Before he could ask his king what he could possibly do for him, the ice demon opened the door to his own quarters and shut them behind himself. 

Shang Qinghua paused in his step and stared at the door, letting out a sigh.

Of course he just went back to his own quarters, why would he want something else from his Advisor. 

He had to remind himself of that. Again.

He brought a hand to his forehead, rubbing the wrinkles his frown had formed and smoothing the skin over, continuing with short steps until he reached his own quarters.

A cooling sensation made him let out a satisfied sigh and he opened his eyes.

A bright blue sky greeted him and out of the periphery of his eye, he could see someone sitting, accompanying him. Just now did he notice the cooling feel on his back and arms. He was engulfed in a hug, one that caused a bubbly sensation in his stomach.

Tilting his head back, he sighed again and grinned up at the ice blue eyes above him.

“My King” his own voice sounded so melodic, soft and worth listening to.

“Qinghua.” his king's voice sent shivers up and down his spine.

Gentle, big, cool hands were cupping his face 

“Qinghua”

His lips almost touched his, he could already feel the icy breath-

“QINGHUA”

Practically jumping to sit upright, the An ding peak lord looked around in confusion before his chin was held and he looked into the same ice-blue eyes. Only now did he feel the sting on his cheek and let out a whine, covering it with one hand.

“This king apologizes, Qinghua did not respond and seemed to stop breathing”

Qinghua looked at Mobei-jun with widened eyes.

“I did? I- This lowly servant is grateful that this king cared enough to.. save.. him from that”

Had Mobei-jun just payed the slightest bit less attention, he wouldn’t have noticed the falter at the word ‘save’.

Mobei-jun remained silent.

“This king has brought some more logistics that he has received.”

Qinghua nodded silently, the usual nervous smile on his face.

He rubbed his forehead a bit, waking himself up while his king uprighted himself again and left some scrolls on the table.

Airplane groaned as soon as the ice demon left.

More work. Great

And his cheek hurt. Badly.

But he should’ve realized. 

Even if his king bettered himself, Qinghua would manage to make him fall into back habits again.

And who would blame him? 

He deserved all this pain.

He deserved the heartache that silly slap gave him. He expected too much.

Ignoring the hot feeling of tears in his eyes, he cleaned up his desk before continuing his work.

He was close to crying again when his king came back.

He ignored his obviously exhausted and filthy state and started discussing important stuff with him.

Qinghua just wanted a bath.

Wanted to disappear into the warm waves engulfing him, until his lungs were filled and the instinctual panic set in.

But this time, he wished to be unable to break free. 

This time, he could use a talisman to make it impossible for him to escape and-

Another sharp sting made him wince and bend over slightly. 

His skin had still been wound from the first slap.

His hand was shaking while he waited for Mobei-jun to continue talking. it was his own fault, he was too engulfed in his fantasies.

“Qinghua seems to not deem these informations necessary?"

Quickly, he shook his head

“I’m sorry my king, this servant .. feels tired”

Mobei-jun huffed, but didnt say anything and dumped some more scrolls out of his robes, leaving with a flick of his robes.

He had slapped him again, wanting to wake him up from whatever trance he entered.

A sob broke through Qinghuas body, his heart clenching in pain.

He clutched his clothes, clawing at the fabric and soft skin hidden underneath.

God, he was pathetic.

How could he expect so much change?

Mobei jun was a demon after all. No use in trying to change his behavior.

Qinghua would just stay by his side, silently enduring whatever he needed to endure to please his king.

His eyes were fixated on the scrolls on his desk but he couldn't bring himself to start.

So he didn't.

Instead, he went to the bathroom and filled his tub with cold water.

He didn't feel like he deserved the warmth of the hot water or the relaxation that comes with it.

Chucking off his clothes recklessly, he let himself sink into that bathtub.

It was cold but not painful. Not yet.

Shang Qinghua would never just willingly jump into pain.

But he would stay in it once it surrounds him, imprisoning him.

A low wince escaped his lips but he endured it.

His eyes were held up high, avoiding the sight of his naked body.

He really couldn't stand that view.

At first, his skin turned red.

Then it changed to blue.

And he couldn't care less about the consequences. 

Chapter Text

He groaned when he woke up and immediately held his head.

Fuck..

His head was literally pounding and it felt like he was close to fainting.

He stopped in his movements when he realized.

Shouldn’t he be dead by now?

Yet.. He was laying on his bed, dressed in some robes.

He didn’t want to open his eyes and see if he had failed at yet another thing.

Seriously, how pathetic would that be?

He already can’t fulfill his duties to the best of his abilities.. Or look good or presentable for his king at important events.

Yet, when a soft but stern voice called his name, how could Qinghua pretend to be asleep?

When he opened his eyes he was met with his king's beautiful face right above him.

No.

That voice couldn’t have come from him.

Definitely not.

Qinghua probably hallucinated.

He must’ve.

“My king..” his throat felt kinda itchy but he ignored that and sat up in bed, when he realized yet another thing 

(Wow Airplane bro, maybe you’re not as dumb as you think)

If he was dressed, then that means someone must’ve carried him out of the bathtub and put him into these robes..

Qinghua paled at his moment of enlightenment and immediately turned his head down, getting out of bed and kneeling in front of his king, who had to step back a bit

“Qinghua shouldn't get out of bed yet. He almost died again”

But his advisor didn't answer. The smaller man in front of him was busy holding back his tears, so he just shook his head.

Taking a deep breath, he managed to speak with minimal quivering

“this lowly servant has to return to An ding peak for a while to recover from this.. accident”

“Qinghua-”

“This lowly one hopes his king understands”, he added with a whisper and his king couldn’t help but cave. Not when he heard that desperate whisper. It melted his cold heart little by little and he gave in with a nod.

Qinghua couldn’t see the way Mobei-jun looked at him.

So his heart cramped painfully in his chest.

Slowly, he rose from his kneel and, keeping his head down, took some scrolls with him.

Mobei-jun wanted to say something against that, but seeing a glimpse of his little hamster's facial expression, he couldn’t. He had asked to go home so how could his king hold him from that any longer?

The An ding peak lord held the scrolls a bit tighter as the ice demon opened the portal and put his arm around Qinghua to guide him through.

He noticed that his advisor didn't grip him as tight as he normally would, so he held onto the cultivator just a bit more.

As soon as his feet touched the right ground, Qinghua moved away from Mobei-jun and gave a quick bow, before rushing to the door to his study

“This one has a lot of stuff to attend to, see you soon my king.”

The door shut.

Mobei-jun was flabbergasted

This had never happened before.

For a bit he stood there, unmoving, before slowly returning to the northern ice palace.

Meanwhile, Shang Qinghua had waited until his king left. Now though, he broke down in tears. Sobs shook his body as he slowly sank to the floor, holding onto the corner of his desk for support.

In vain. His knees gave in.

Before he could stop himself, a loud sob broke through the silence of the almost empty peak house.

A house way too small for a peak lord.

A house way too small for every other person in a higher position.

Not too small for the most useless peak lord of them all.

Not too small for the shittiest author in existence.

Not too small for the worst friend one could have.

Not too small.. for him.

Not too small for this worthless excuse of a human being he can see in his mirror right now.

Anger overtook him and he flung a scroll at it, shattering the glass.

His sobs only got louder after that.

The broken mirror still showed his ugliness.

He clutched his stomach tight, as if all of the fat he hated so much would disappear.

His nails couldn't harm him through the thick robes and he despised it.

But he couldn't take them off. 

His king or a servant had dressed him. Lifted him out of the bathtub and dressed him.

Someone had seen this disgusting excuse of a body.

He hated himself so much.

Why was he the only one not being able to stay slim?

He knows he wrote this character only a little bit chubby but Qinghua knew he had put on weight. And even when he practiced inedia (he neglected himself and forgot to eat) nothing changed.

Nothing.

He loathed it. He loathed waking up in this unsightly body, having to meet people in this body.

Qinghua looked horrible in almost every clothing and the little looks or comments he gets didn't help much.

“You sure eat a lot. You’re acting as if you’re starving”

Cucumber had said and sneered at him.

Even though Qinghua had felt his heart rip a little again, he just answered with a happy smile “Because i waaaas”

He hadn't eaten anything in days because his shidi had to break another house and the repair papers were absolutely horrible to fill.

A snort sounded from the demonic husband that had entered the room a few seconds ago.

“Oh yes. Shishu is so visibly starved”

The sarcasm dripping in his voice had stung worse than Shen Qingqius comment before that.

Latter was very poorly hiding a smirk.

Qinghua had hastily excused himself and disappeared.

None of them knew that as soon as he was home, he gave away the food in his kitchen and practiced inedia for more than a month.

His Liu-shidis comments were just as bad. 

Someone had asked him why he never asked Shang-shixiong to spar.

It was more of a joke but his shidi had answered seriously anyways.

“ He's too slow. Shang-shixiong has no muscle, only fat. Naturally this one would be able to defeat him too easily”

That one had hurt. 

Looking at his reflection in the broken mirror again, his anger subsided.

Instead, he felt helpless.

He hadn't noticed when his tears had disappeared but he stood up again, gathered the scrolls and started organizing them to work with them after.

His heart hurt, his eyes burned and his bones ached. 

But there was no one to comfort him. 

Chapter Text

He was working restlessly. He had been doing so for the past couple days 

After his small, dramatic outburst he had detached himself from his persona, completely zoning out. 

It was like he was running on autopilot. 

And he didn't plan on changing that. 

Read scrolls, check budget, approve or decline.

Read scrolls, check connections, decline or discuss. 

It was easy to space out with a routine like that. His body was practically screaming because he was so tired. 

Shang Qinghua was exhausted

Not like that mattered to him, though. He was still very much unaware of his state as of now. 

Once he would snap back into the hurtful truth, he'll be wishing to return back to not realizing he actually lives. 

So he spent his days like this, wrapped in his own reality. 

Until his king found him again. 

It was then that he snapped out of it, an overwhelming wave of pain crashing into his chest, hindering him at answering the question his king had asked.

(Not that he would've been able to answer regardless, he hadn't really comprehended the question yet.) 

"Qinghua?" alarmed, Mobei-jun stepped closer and frowned deeply at the desperate gasps his advisor was taking. “Is Qinghua feeling unwell?“

He didn’t receive an answer, his frown deepened but as he went to pick the smaller male up with the plan of taking him back to get him checked out, he heard a small “don’t”

His brows twitched a bit, the only indicator for the surprise he was feeling right now.

The breathing slowed and as soon as his advisors legs supported him standing again, he scrambled into an uncomfortable bowing position, apologizing profusely.

“Qinghua-” before Mobei-jun could say anything, much less apologize, his hamster-like advisor went on a rant, muttering too many things at once that didn't even make sense to himself.

But even after a few minutes he didnt stop and lost himself in his rambling, greatly overwhelming Mobei-jun. Latter called out for him several times, to no avail.

At one point, he went quiet and raised his hand, just wanting to scare his advisor into quieting down. He swore to himself not to hit him ever again, right now he just didn’t know how to stop him otherwise.

Qinghua didn't see it that way though, with a startled cry he backtracked, instinctively curling in on himself like he did when the two of them still had their old, abusive dynamic.

The ice demon stilled, slowly lowering his hand and stepping a bit closer to his now shaking Qinghua.

The hamster-like servant took a few more gasping breaths, clutching the fabric of the clothes covering his chest. 

The Ice Demon knelt down, his hands lightly grasping Qinghuas shoulders. 

Well

Lightly for him.. Qinghua flinched heavily and was scared shitless. He used the small second Mobei-jun was dumbfounded by his reaction to make a run for it, he wasn't sure where he could run to but he knew he had to leave right now. Mobei-jun wouldn't risk them both by just blindly running after him like that. Not that he would run after him anyways, the peak lord thought with a small throb pulling at his heart. Qinghua was still weeping when he used the last strength he could muster up to climb on his sword, not thinking about where to go. He just let it take him away, without a care of his sect, his shidis and shixiongs and his king. Or his disciples. 

His disciples.. 

The sword slowed down and just now was it that he discovered where it had brought him. 

Shen Qingqiu's bamboo hut really didn't look inviting to him and he sure as hell wasn't in the right mind to cope with all those harsh comments. 

But poor Airplane didn't even have time to turn back as a hand shot out of the door and pulled him in. 

"Airplane. Do you have any idea what time it is?  And look at you, your whole appearance- Airplane? Airplane??” he only got more weeping as a response, his friend’s face tear stained, strands of hair sticking to his forehead. 

He looked awful.

It took a whack with Shen Yuans fan to get Shang Qinghua back into the present, a small whine the reaction to this unjustified attack

But it had helped.

Slowly, the smaller peak lord calmed down, until the tears were dry and the embarrassment hit him. 

Them still standing in the hallway with his cucumber-bro blocking the way into his house didn't make him feel any better either. He clearly wasn't wanted or appreciated here. Why did he have to come here of all places?

“Cucumber-bro ..” he chuckled nervously while cleaning up his face with a handkerchief he carries around in his sleeve.

“Ah, I apologize- I didn't mean to be so dramatic, I just had a little trouble with my king, that's all, you know?”

Shen Yuan looked at him skeptically, inspecting his whole persona. 

He couldn't find any injuries and everyone knew how Shang Qinghua could get when he's scared or when he has to own up for a mistake he made.

And while this breakdown seemed.. different from others he witnessed before, his annoying fellow transmigrator seemed to have calmed down and was absolutely fine, so why dwell on it longer? He had a different problem right now.

It was just a bit weird. “Sure…Anyway..”

“It’s good that you’re here though. Now that you have calmed down, you need to help me fix something!”

Even though he had expected something like that, Shang Qinghuas heart stung a bit.

“What do we need to fix ..? “ he felt like all of this was a huge fever dream he couldn't get out of.

“My sticky disciple! I don't know how many weird flowers there are in this world that you never wrote about, but every time he goes on a mission lately, he comes back being influenced by yet another aphrodisiac. This is your fault, you hack author. Do You know who has to deal with this?? I do. “ with a slightly distorted face, he rubbed his lower back.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    indicating the ‘horrors’ he must've been through.

The author's mind was everywhere focused but on this topic, especially because he was sure that a certain someone was actively seeking out those types of plants to rope someone into more intimacy than they usually already have…

He was in pain, his heart throbbing as he pondered about his answer. He really had to answer. This was all he was good for, really. This was all he would ever be for other people.

Someone to fill up space where it was needed until the actually desired person came along.

someone to do all the tasks no one else wanted to do because it would be wasting their precious time

But of course it wouldn't waste Shang Qinghuas time. 

His time wasn’t precious. 

Neither were his feelings, his thoughts and wishes

Neither was his life

He was just the An Ding peak lord no one liked.

He was just the ‘rat’ that betrayed the clan,even though it had been disclosed multiple times that he in fact, had never even once brought harm to the sect.

But to no avail

Why would he be valued? 

He didn't have any worth

He didn't even know why he was so upset 

It's not like this was a surprise to him.

Who would like someone as ugly and annoying as him?

Who would value his time when his only talent was serving others and being a doormat.

Everytime he looks into the mirror, he wishes to puke.

The mirrors in his An Ding peak house weren't there to particularly serve any purpose, he barely looked into them because he can't stand to see this chubby face of his, those dull and boring eyes so deprived of anything interesting or lovely, he couldn't stand to see the way these robes didn't look as good on him as they did on literally anyone, he couldn't bare to realize he had yet gained another pound even tho he didn't eat anything 

He didn't even need to eat. Why was he gaining weight ??

None of this made sense 

But he was only a weak cultivator, scrawny and unlovable

That was his identity.

His real self.

And there was nothing he could do.

This self awareness was hurting him so badly. He felt he couldn't breathe right.

His heart was throbbing, his qi in dismay again.

Yet the only thing that snapped him back into reality once again  was his “Friends” fan smacking him square on the head.

His eyes shot up at Shen Qingqiu’s' face, confused and feeling betrayed and even more hurt for yet the second underserved hit.

“Since you won't even answer my question, get out. Binghe will return soon and he won't be happy to see you”

Cold hands shoved him out the door, shutting it behind him immediately.

Shang Qinghua rubbed his head.

“It hurts”, he whispered. But no one listened.

No one listened.

Chapter Text

After his failed attempt at maybe, just maybe, letting himself be helped, he felt numb.

His head seriously hurt from the whacks, he didn't understand why his fellow transmigrator just had to infuse qi when hitting him.

Or why he had to insult him every time.

Or ridicule him

Why he had to snicker everytime someone humiliated him in peak lord meetings or why he had to be thrown out every time the demon lord wished so (which was quite literally every time )

He had to bear the pure hatred of Binghe everytime that crybaby saw him and for what?

No one had ever given him an answer to that.

Last time when he got hurt on a mission with Shen Yuan, Binghe had looked at him with such hatred he had been close to crying.

Shen Yuan was at fault for his injury, didn't even apologize and only turned to him once to make sure he wasn't dead before moving along with his husband.

They had left him there.

The only thing that Shen Yuan threw at him for help was a transportation talisman.

But how was he supposed to use that when his qi was rendered useless at that time.

He barely had enough for self healing.

He couldn't have called his king either because he would have risked getting beaten.

Maybe he had stopped. Maybe it got better.

But who could guarantee that that circumstance would stay that way?

So he was forced to find an inn nearby, literal strangers helped bandage him so he was able to properly rest and return home.

No one had even noticed his absence, because if those two were back, who would care, right?

His head hurt so bad..

He slowly got on his sword once again. But this time he didn't stop until he reached the very very end of his power, making it unable for him to fly.

Actually, he had no idea where he was.

He knew, by the large number of trees, that he seemed to be in a forest but he had no idea if this was still on the mountain or not.

With a small sigh, he rubbed his face and sat down against a tree.

In his head he was actively debating whether his absence would be noticed and if, how long would that take. 

Probably at the next peak lord meeting, when nothing was done.

But wasn’t Yue Qingyuan scheduled for some kind of meeting with another sect leader?

Qingua still hadn’t gotten a new date for the replacement meeting.

So technically speaking there was a high chance that the next meeting wouldn't be held.

Meaning no one would notice.

He sighs, burying his head into his knees that he had pulled up onto his body.

Only his disciples would notice. But they were very capable, he was sure they would be able to handle everything.

Maybe it was fine for him to stay away.

Keep out of sight.

His king would come looking for him eventually.

Either he would deem Qinghua useless and kill him, or he would deem him useless and let him go.

He would prefer the first option

If he got killed, he wouldn't have to do it himself anymore, would he?

He wouldn't have to pain himself

Still, his heart was throbbing.

Why wasn't he ever enough?

Was it his endless rambling, his appearance or his weakness?

He could work on his annoying rambling

And maybe he could find some type of spell that could change his unsightly appearance.

And maybe, just maybe, he could try to be stronger.

But it just seemed like his personality was the problem.

He always seemed to be in the way, even if he was never outside his peak and rarely got seeked out by anyone.

Everytime Zhangmeng-shixiong entered his house to tell him about missing forms and deadlines approaching, he felt out of place.

Everytime Qi Qigqe came to his house to complain about more robes, he felt like he was in her way.

And anytime Liu Qingqe barged into his room, destroying his doors in the process, he felt like he was being a nuisance. 

Shang Qinghua was so done.. 

His breath hitched a bit when he felt a wave of pain crashing over him.

It hurt 

It hurt so much

…

He had no idea how long he had been walking.

His knees felt weak, his eyes hurt from crying and his legs seemed a moment away from giving out.

Not far away, he saw a town bustling with activity in the early evening.

He stopped. No way could he be seen in his peak lord robes and crown, not in his state.

Airplane sidestepped a bit, searching for cover behind some bushes while he got rid of his peak lord crown and outer robes.

Luckily, he had multiple layers of robes with only the last one having the sect's embroidery.

With a heavy heart, he buried both of it right then and there and made his way into the town. 

Chapter Text

Kids were playing the last game of the day, mothers ushering them inside. Some merchants were still packing up their stuff, some with happy moods, others defeated by the big hole in their wallets.

Some cultivators were entering an inn, talking and laughing about their latest adventures.

Most of the inns in the city were completely full, loud noises filling the streets around them.

Shang Qinghua, barely recognizable as a peak lord without his robe and hair piece, was currently scouting at which inn to rest in.

The former two he had visited were completely booked, so he had to continue his search.

His luck didn't disappoint him for once and he was able to settle in the third one.

It was a small room, barely big enough for two people to stay in.

Well

That wouldn't be a problem..

He didn't bother getting undressed and washing up. 

He had no energy left, plopping down on the bed with his face first into the pillow.

Maybe this wasn't so bad.

First thing tomorrow he would search for a job and a place to stay.

His money was enough to remain here for a few days, probably even a week if he skipped meals.

And for once, he was out like a light.

… 

His plan was kinda screwed up.

Right now it was in the middle of the night.

When Airplane had woken up he had felt so incredibly disoriented for a second he forgot where he was.

Remembering wasn't actually relieving though..

“Fuck..”, he sighed, rubbing his head. He stretched out his legs while trying to properly wake up, going back to sleep was out of the question now. 

I wonder if anyone had noticed 

Shaking his head, he stood up to fix his hair, his hands shaking slightly as he wrapped a ribbon around his barely manageable locks. 

Why would anyone notice 

His chest felt a bit tight, he rubbed at it with a closed fist, tidying his clothes with the free hand. 

If they had noticed, they would probably be relieved 

A big lump seemed to block Qinghuas throat but he couldn't find it in himself to get rid of it. 

No, first they'd be angry.. 

He seemed to calm down a bit 

Because their favorite slave to use was gone. 

Nevermind the calming down.. 

I left them 

I left them there with all the paperwork 

They already hate me

Now they must despise me 

His breathing became uneven, the room in front of him unclear, he couldn't make out proper shapes. 

But they always did, didn't they? 

I was always in the way 

Always unwanted 

But who can blame them? 

Knees shaking, he sunk onto the bed slowly. He barely registered the soft fabric beneath him. 

Not only am I scummy and unsightly to look at. 

I'm selfish, I can't communicate properly and I'm downright stupid. 

No one puts up with me because of my difficult personality 

Who would willingly submit themselves to even just 5 minutes of listening to him if it didn't benefit them? 

Why else would he get annoyed looks when he rambled 

Why else did his king hit him, even beating him up to near death former to the plot ending. 

Why else did no one "notice" him being gone or coming back later then Shen-shixiong on paired peak lord missions 

They definitely noticed 

They just didn't want to do anything about it 

He wasn't worth all that 

What even was he worth? Nothing. 

Why else would he remain unloved, even in his second life 

There was something wrong with him

Something was wrong 

Why couldn't he be like Shen Yuan? Or Luo Binghe? Even Liu Qingge 

Why couldn't he be someone else. 

Anyone else

He just didn't wanna be himself anymore 

He hadn't even noticed himself losing consciousness, his meridians in complete chaos 

And even if he had 

He doesn't think he would've tried to stop himself.. 

… 

Shen Yuan didn't really understand what was going on with Airplane again. 

One of his antics? Who knows. 

Maybe the hamster-like author had some type of dispute with Mobei-jun again or he was just bored and looking for distraction? 

Those solutions didn't feel quite right though.. 

However, he was distracted himself right now, as soft but strong hands encircled his waist from behind, a chin resting on his shoulder

"Shizun" 

He shuddered at the low tone of his husband's voice and leaned into the hug. 

"Welcome back Binghe. How was your day" 

The peak lord turned around and smiled at his demon, petting his fluffy hair. 

"This disciple was wondering if Shizun might be interested in joining him in a bath" big, innocent eyes peered down at Shen Qingqiu, a funny sight when he reminds himself of Luo Binghes achievements 

"Fine, this master will accompany you" he grazes Binghes cheek with a soft kiss before freeing himself and getting the water ready. 

However, his mind slipped to Shang Qinghua again. He couldn't help it, something felt so incredibly off.. The whole scenario was weird. 

His head was starting to hurt and he was visibly distracted, much to the dismay of his husband. 

Luckily, said husband had activities in mind to help his Shizun focus on the actual important things.. 

… 

Slowly but surely Yue Qingyuan became suspicious. 

He hadn't gotten a single form or scroll from Qinghua nor did he get a request for a meeting to discuss sect stuff. 

Was his shidi not taking his work seriously anymore? 

Frowning, he decided to wait just a bit longer 

Perhaps he should call in a meeting for tomorrow or the day after tomorrow to discuss the importance of doing your assigned work. 

This way he could even see his Xiao-jiu again even if he knew that there would never be anything more than the relationship of two martial sect brothers between them. 

Shen-shidi was quite pleasant to look at. 

That's all he needed. 

After the next sip of tea he rid himself of his distractions to write and send out the invitations for a meeting in two days. 

Now, he sadly had less pleasant sect business to attend to.. 

Chapter Text

Li Chang wasn't expecting this when he opened the door to a room of the inn he worked at. 

He was supposed to merely check if the cultivator housing here had left or not. 

Well. 

.. 

He hadn't. 

But Li Chang thought maybe that would've been better for the man, than laying partially on the ground, unconscious. 

At first he had silently stared at the person displayed there, shocked and at a loss on what to do.

Luckily his brother Li Zhi wasn't as dumb as he was. 

Maybe that's why they hadn't both joined the sect..

When Li Zhi had noticed his brother taking too long, he had followed upstairs to be met with that unexpected sight. He didn't dwell on it long before springing into action though, perfectly executing as much medical help as he could possibly give without a proper support system, one he would normally have on Qian Cao peak. 

He had been a healer disciple for quite some time but he had never thought he'd find Shang Qinghua here. 

His Shishu, if they'd be taking in seniority.

His deeply mistreated Shishu who had barely been to the healers.

Which was concerning when he thought of the chaotic meridians he had noticed when he was scanning the man..

Deep in their thoughts engraved the brothers sat there for almost an hour until they relocated him to the Shi Family house, which was mostly empty due to their parents recent death. 

“What do we do with him?” the younger one, Li Chang, asked. He wasn’t aware of the unconscious cultivators identity, so he did not yet understand the position this man infront of them had.

“We help him. I will have to leave in just two days, Shizun was already very gracious by allowing me a few days to care for our parents until they crossed over to drink Meng Pos soup.. Do you think you can do this on your own? He needs to get enough nutritions every day and a qi transfer.. I will write a letter to an old friend of ba to transfer qi every two days until he's back on his feet.”

The death of their parents still hurt, a deep ache in his chest, but life had to go on. He could turn his grief into passion and hard work.

His younger brother nodded, ready to take up the task.

“Yes gege, I can do this! I may not be a cultivator but I helped out a lot when you were away.“

Li Zhi smiled at him and ruffled his hair 

“Alright, I’ll start a qi-transfusion and you go grind me ink for the letter. And bring some water and food while you’re at it.”

He turned away and brought his Shishu into an upright sitting position to start transferring qi. 

After a bit, his brother returned with white congee and some grinded ink, setting it down on the nightstand next to the bed.

Shang Qinghua had never been so confused in his life.

He had been at an inn, wanting to find work before everything went black

Now he was laying on a random bed in a room he did not recognize.

Well fuck.

He groaned softly as he sat up rubbing his forehead with shaky fingers.

His body felt horrible, completely exhausted and stiff, yet lighter than before.

Sadly not by much

The room he was located in was simple: A bed, a nightstand and a small dresser next to a table with a wooden stool. On the walls were multiple shelves though, filled with scrolls and a few keepsakes, probably belonging to the person that owned this room.

A small sigh left his body. He was just so tired..

Just as he was debating whether he should just go back to sleep and ignore the world and people he would eventually have to face, someone entered the room.

“Goodmorning, did you sleep well?”

Li Chang entered the room with some light congee and a teaset on a tray. He set it down on the nightstand, giving Shang Qinghua a grin.

“How are you feeling right now? I’m glad we found you soon enough, had I not checked on you, I don't think anyone would have noticed! Oh I should introduce myself, my name is Li Chang.” 

Airplane was a bit overwhelmed with the onslaught of information and sudden familiarity  but caught up quick enough to slowly sit up as the youth was talking

“You’re the youth that showed me to the room, right ?

Why did you help me ?”

Li Chang smiled at him and held the medical congee in front of him for him to eat.

“We saw you needed help, so we helped. You are in our family house, we thought that would be better than an expensive inn. Oh! You haven't met my brother yet in a concious state but he was the one that helped you and transferred qi to you. He’s a cultivator too, you know!”

When the man in front of him finally took the bowl of congee, he prepared the tea and sat down on the bedside.

He had unnaturally light hair but his eyes were as dark as the darkest pits of hell, Shang Qinghua thought him a bit odd looking, but he was no one to talk, was he ?

Not with how he looked.

He was glad it was just congee with nothing, he didn't think he would have been able to actually have a full meal without throwing up..

“Chang as in the character for 'Free' ?”

Airplanes throat felt a bit dry so he put down the half eaten congee to drink some tea, not that he felt he deserved that.

“Yes exactly “ he said, a smile still remaining on his face unwavering 

“What is your name cultivator ? Oh, also, there will be an old daily friend coming here to transfer you qi every two days for your recovery ”

The An Ding Peak Lord stilled for a second, stiffening in his position before putting the cup of tea back on the tray

“I appreciate it but I will have to get going soon. Rest assured i will pay back your gratitude." He felt.. numb, almost hollow. 

It reflected in his voice

“My gege thought you’d say that so he reminded me to tell you that a warm house with good food is a better option than a cold, restless run from the causes of your illness”, he paused “Sounds a bit odd but he is a cultivator so I think that's part of their teaching. Well, I’m not fit to cultivate so no reason to dwell on it.

I have to go back to work now, make yourself at home, there's no one else here besides you, me and my gege are the only remaining people here. See you later“ he bowed quickly before rushing out, a confused Shang Qinghua now left behind. Li Chang hadn’t even noticed he hadn't told him his name yet.

He was unsure of what to do. Should he leave and run around restlessly as this mysterious brother of Li Chang had mentioned ? 

Airplane would like to know who the hell that was, especially because that person seemed knowledgeable of his situation

Concerningly ..

But going back was out of the question. He didn't want to end up there again.

He would stay, just until he was better and then he would leave.

Then he would finally find a place to rest.

He sunk down into the bed again, falling asleep once more

The unfinished congee bowl still sitting on the tray

_________________________________________________________________________

So, his martial brother hadn’t just slacked off.

He was quite literally missing

Did he get kidnapped ? Unlikely 

Did he run away ? Probably.

Yue Qingyuan sighed.

Did this have to happen now? He had a lot to do, taking on Shang Qinghuas work too would really drain him out.

“Since when has he disappeared ?” Shen Qingqiu asked, his fan snapped shut in his hands.

Five peak lord were currently standing in Shang Qinghuas bedroom, looking around for clues

Unsuccessfully. 

“He's been gone for at least a couple days judging by the state of his house and all the dust laying around. '' Mu Qingfang answered while he inspected the work desk, but there was nothing to be found.

“Hmpf! So he can't approve my request for more robes but he can go on a vacation, leaving all the work to us? Unbelievable. And his disciples won’t say a word! Outrageous. Keeping the location of another Peak Lord secret should be punished with being thrown out of the sect” Qi Qingqi was standing in the doorway, shaking her head as the others searched. Only Liu Qingqe didn’t say anything other than “Coward”

“Until we find him, we will have to split the duties. I will send out the search-party instantly. Shen-shidi, would you be so kind ?” Of course he asked rather than giving the order too, yet the green robed cultivator shook his head 

“This master apologizes but he has other duties to attend to. Perhaps Liu-shidi has the time?”

The Bai Zhan Peak Lord only grumbled before he agreed, but at least they had one person to search

That was enough for right now anyways.

_________________________________________________________________________

The past week had been weird. While he wasn’t under constant stress anymore and had kind, funny company, Shang Qinghua still felt empty and drained. 

His world felt like it was wrapped in cotton, his being felt ureal

Li Chang was doing his best to help him, the young man was a welcome change of his dull daily routine.

“My other friends don't have much time for me right now. I’m so glad you are here!”

He was out of bed most of the day now. 

At least he could be, but he choose to stay here anyway

They probably hadn't noticed yet anyway, so who cares? He shouldn't. 

But he couldn't help it. 

He thought maybe, just maybe, someone would notice, that someone would care and want to show him that

As soon as Li Chang left the room, he got rid of the food he had been brought.

It was a waste but he didn't want to eat

He already couldn't stand looking into the mirror or a reflection and seeing the most hated thing in his life looking back at him.

He was so tired

Chapter Text

Slowly but surely, the ache in his heart grew. 

At the beginning, he had, stupidly, hoped to maybe find a friend. Someone that won't leave him hanging and whack him with a fan, insult him and treat him worse than some of the demons in the northern king's court room or just leave him when someone better comes along. 

He thought wrong. 

It wasn't as if Li Chang was unkind to him or anything like that. 

“My other friends don't have much time for me right now. I’m so glad you are here!”

He should have known. 

Shang Qinghua noticed mentioned friends returning right the day it had happened. 

The youth was distracted in the morning, out of Qinghuas (temporarily given) room as fast as he could and did not return until the late hours of evening. 

Shang Qinghua said nothing. 

Maybe this was just Li Chang being excited? 

He laid down in bed properly, closing his eyes to sleep his insecurities away. 

But of course 

It just wasn't as simple as that 

Even a week later, the young man he had come to like was acting the same, if not worse. 

By the end of the second week, he barely entered Shang Qinghuas room anymore, leaving some food and stuff to drink in the kitchen. 

At this point, Qinghua was sure to have overstayed his welcome. The cultivator who had been providing qi for him had refused to do so without the youth there and Shang Qinghua understood. 

That didn't mean it didn't hurt him. 

His chest twisted painfully as tears gathered in his eyes while he busied himself with getting himself as ready as he could before heading out. 

He wasn't exactly sure where he was going, neither was he in any state to do so. 

He couldn't bring himself to care. 

_________________________________

After multiple weeks of no sign of Qinghua, the sect was on the verge of collapsing. 

A rather embarrassing matter actually. 

How could a sect with twelve peaks rely on only one?? 

Those were Shen Yuan's thoughts as he sipped on his tea silently, before setting down his cup. 

His fan lay abandoned on the table in front of him. 

He was beginning to suspect Shang Qinghua had either been kidnapped or ran away and collapsed somewhere. Or he was hiding in the northern dessert like the thigh-hugging rodent he sometimes was. 

His worry remained mild. 

The other transmigrator was a cultivator as much as he was a hack writer and coward. He would make do 

Just when he had decided to have Binghe find out if Airplane was hiding in the North, a portal opened not far from him, both Binghe and Mobei-jun stepping through. He finished another sip of tea prior to grabbing his Fan, eyeing both demon lords stepping into his living room like that. 

Binghe normally disliked bringing someone else into their home.

“Shizun!”, he smiled at his husband, kneeling down to him

“This husband is sorry for the delay. He has longed to see his Shizun all day long”

Shen Qingqiu blushed, effectively hiding it with his fan but allowing his fluffy haired betrothed to take his hand. 

He gives him a smile after getting rid of his blush by circulating his qi before his eyes flick up to the ice demon standing like a statue, very obviously waiting for something. 

“Junshang.“ 

The Qing Jing Peak Lord always felt a slight discomfort in the presence of the Ice King, he really couldn't put his finger on the reason though.. 

“Right, does Shizun know where Shang-Shishu might be? Mobei said he hasn't stepped foot into the northern kingdom in weeks and he can't find him, nor did Shang-Shishu call for him. “

The movement of his fan fluttering stilled. He snapped it close, sitting a bit further up-right

“He hasn't been? This one was under the impression that the northern kingdom is where Shang-Shidi has been spending his days.

He has been missing from An Ding Peak for a while now “

“What?!” the room seemed to drop in temperature, earning him a low growl from Binghe

“Why has this one not been informed?”

Mobei-jun spoke only after he had himself under more control, looking less than happy about the reprimanding he just got. 

(On the other hand, he always looked like this. How did Airplane-Bro read him?? Shen Yuan couldn't understand) 

“This one was not under the impression that Shang Qinghua was a possession of the northern kingdom.” he narrowed his eyes at the Demon King, feeling a bit backed up by his husband 

Through gritted teeth, the Ice Demon bowed quickly and gave a Brief, grumbling thanks, wasting no time to leave through a portal. 

Shen Yuan sighs. 

Something was definitely wrong. 

_________________________________

A week had passed since the Ice King asked Binghe for help, the Peak Lord meeting was in full swing and it was as loud and taxing as ever. 

Liu Qingge and Qi Qingqi both lost their favorite chew toy with Shang Qinghuas absence, turning against each other instead. 

The other Peak Lords weren't better, most of them actively complaining about the work piling up and them rarely getting free time. 

“Liu-Shidi”

It was surprisingly easy to get the Bai Zhan Peak Lord to listen to him

“Have you found any clues in your search for Shang-Shidi? “

For a few seconds, they stared at each other before Liu Qingge huffed and crossed his arms before his chest

“I got distracted. “

“Liu-shixiong. “ Mu Qingfang sounded in, looking concerned and disappointed. 

“Other lives were on the line! He is probably fine. Surely hiding with that demon of his “ he scoffs, glaring at anyone looking at him and the table. 

“He isn't. Mobei-jun came looking for him here. “

This brought a frown to the War Gods face. 

(Liu-Shidi, why are you this unobservant) 

Yue Qingyuan sighed quietly, silencing even the last screaming Peak Lord. A smile was on his face nonetheless

“Liu-Shidi and Shen-Shidi will search for him. Do make haste, I fear there is something more going on than just a vacation or plan to run away. You may leave right after the meeting. Now, regarding the forms of requests Wei-Shidi was asking about.. “

Shen Yuan wants to hit someone. Preferably Shang Qinghua, who is now at fault for him not being able to enjoy a relaxing evening with his husband. 

They rarely get anything done in that peak lord meeting 

Wow, what a surprise..

_________________________________

He wasn't really sure where exactly he was wandering to, not paying the paths he walked any mind. He took a random turn here, another one there, his mind blissfully quiet. 

The cultivator felt like he was in a haze, but he also didn't. He didn't really feel, neither hurt nor happiness 

So as he was walking, Shang Qinghua allowed himself to drift away. 

“Shang Hua! Get down right this instant!”

Shang Hua only giggled, bouncing on the bed once more before leaping into his mothers arms

“Hmmm? What is it Ma-Ma? “

His mother sighed, a fond smile on her lips 

“What did I say about jumping on the bed? Hua-er? “ she raised an eyebrow at him 

“No jumping because the bed cost a loooot of money”

“So then why did you jump on it, if you know that it's wrong?“

He wiggled a bit in her hold 

“Xiao Hua.“ his mother narrowed her eyes at him, not even trying to look angry. She was very bad at hiding amused smile 

“Ma-Ma is always working so hard and never sleeping. I was only trying to find out if the bed was broken!“ the little boy fiddled with a strand of her already slightly graying hair 

“Ma-Maaaa”

She just sighed again, smiling softly “Yes my Darling?“

“I wanna have hair like you do when I grow up!“

A slight chuckle shook her and she squeezed her son 

“It's already graying, and your hair is really pretty. Why would you want hair like mine?“

Sitting down on the bed, she adjusts her hold on him and looks down at the child in her lap, her eyes softening at his answer 

“It looks like your hair got touched by the Stars! Mama looks like a princess! “

His heart throbbed painfully at the memory of his first mother before he had ruined everything.

He clutched his arms tightly as he hugged himself, winding through the streets of the village he had arrived at after leaving the previous one behind. 

His stomach growled a bit but it was easily ignorable with how much he had eaten in the last few days. 

He felt so numb, devoid of feeling besides the grumbling of his stomach and the throbbing in his heart. Qinghua made his way through this village. And the next one. And the next one. When he couldn't walk anymore, he let himself plopp down against a big tree, closing his eyes as he leaned his head back. 

He was so tired

So he let himself rest, just until he felt he could walk again. He cared not for the dirt that had built up on his clothes, cared not that his hair became more tangled by the day.

He had never properly cared for it anyways

A small sigh escaped him in the next town and he rubbed a hand over his face. 

Everything around him seemed dulled, like it was covered in a milky layer of fog. It was pleasant but felt weird, as if he was detached from reality. 

“Shidi!”

His head snapped up, immediately searching for the culprit. 

Not far behind him, he saw Cu- No. Shen Qingqiu and Liu Qingge catching up to him.

 Shang Qinghua stared at them. 

They stared back, calling out to him. 

Both of them looked vastly annoyed, Shen Qingqiu not even making the effort to walk at a fast pace, fluttering his fan lazily as he got closer. 

His heart clenched painfully in his chest. 

He took in a deep breath, his eyes not straying from the other transmigrator. 

And then he ran 

Chapter Text

Only a string of poorly disguised curses reached his ears before he was out of ear shot. The thought of having to go back to his life and responsibilities seemed to be giving him enough dread that his body suddenly felt energized. He sped through the trees at the side of the road, abandoning the thought of trying to reach the next town. Who fucking cared, he could sleep on trees if he really wanted to! Anything better than being caught! 

He felt Triumph flashing through his veins before it was replaced with fear at the sound of his Shidi screaming out his name. Remembering that the woods here seemed really deep and totally unfitting to fly in, he threw his sword out and hopped onto it, immediately taking off, if a little wobbly. He never claimed his decisions were good-

His little jump and run was, of course, short-lived. Only so many people manage to escape the Bai Zhan Peak Lord in a chase and Shang Qinghua would probably never be one of them. 

As he was held up by the back collar of his robes like one would hold a rodent, he was allowed to listen to his Shidi and Shixiongs lovely pleas to convince him to come back. 

Only that they actually weren't lovely at all and they didn't even try to convince him, they just decided for him. 

Any attempts at protest he made were met with either fan-involved-violence or a glare that made him shut up. 

So, he gave up. 

He wasn't really surprised they didn't care for his opinion, was he now. 

The flight back was unpleasant. For once he didn't feel the energy to fill the silence that occured pretty often, only interrupted by small cutting remarks from his most avid hater that only made him feel worse. Luckily, even Shen Qingqiu wasn't that dense and stopped at one point, if not for the lack of Response, it was probably because he found talking about some plants way more interesting. 

Liu Qingge certainly did. As long as it was Shen Qingqiu talking. 

Shang Qinghua wasn't surprised at that. He ignored the little twinge in his chest at the thought that no one was ever interested in his rambling 

The rest of the way home was just as boring as one would think. After less than an hour, Qinghua opted to just zone out and let himself be dragged along. 

It went unnoticed. 

Maybe being back wasn't all bad.

He tried to convince himself when he saw the food spread out on Shen Qingqius Table.

Well, that was until he noticed he didn't actually have a plate. Unlike his Shixiong. 

Nevermind that 

They were waiting for Yue Qingyuan to arrive to talk with Shang Qinghua about his little escape-run. 

Aka Yue Qingyuan scolding him for making his poor Shen Qingqiu actually work 

The talk went about as well as he thought it would. Airplane stayed quiet the whole time, not uttering a word. After Zhangmeng-Shixiong started talking about loyalty, he completely checked out of the conversation. His input wasn't really needed for this.

Liu Qingqe didn't even bother with sitting, he was content leaning against the wall with his arms crossed and a glare leveled either at Shang Qinghua or Luo Binghe. 

Ah, his son.

What would he give for his son to look at him normally for once. So many glares and one disappointed stare was really too much for this poor author. 

Yet, he didn't really care much. What he really was interested in, was the missing person in the room. 

Where was Mobei-jun? 

—

Aiya, his martial siblings were really too cruel. 

Had they even looked at their own work in all the time that he left? He supposes he should be thankful that Shen Qingqiu promised his workload would decrease.

Even though this seemed to be something Shen Yuan forgot about rather quickly. He thinks as he studies the amount of works on his desk.

What exactly did he even mean with decrease? 

He never specified. 

Maybe he meant his lack of work for Mobei-jun.

Well… Less work meant less work right?

Even though his work for his king was the only thing that kept him from collapsing under the weight of his martial siblings' expectations which were- just for your information- absolutely unrealistic!

Had they ever written a report or filled out a form ever in their lives? He doubted it. 

Especially a certain spoiled transmigrator-gone-peak-lord or a certain brute that loved to kick his own disciples through buildings and make it Shang Qinghuas problem!

He had enough! 

Let this old man rest!

Ah, but he would never not finish his work. And before he finished his thinking of maybe doing something that’d be really good for his brain, like, sleep, he sat down with a heavy sigh and started working through the forms.

Better not to put it off. 

–

The “decrease” in workload seems to be defined as Shen Yuan making himself a menace in his office. 

Well, he claims he is helping. With forms. Which he had been ignoring for the last two schichen in favor of ranting about Airplanes bullshit writing. 

So the only thing decreasing here was Shang Qinghuas patience. He felt stupid. 

Why did he believe that anyone would actually make an effort? Obviously that was only talk. Sometimes he wonders if he could just take a bottle of poison and- 

“Shizun? “ his head disciple popped their head into the door 

“A disciple brought Mu-Shushus filled out forms. Zhangmeng Shushu should have his brought soon as well but.. “ they hesitate

Shang Qinghua wants to bang his head on the table. 

“What is it?”

“The rest of the peak lords have yet to bring in their paperwork.. “ and then his lovely head disciple levels a glare at Shen Qingqiu 

“Makes one think they aren't fit to fulfill their duties themselves.. “

He chokes on his own spit, trying to hide his amused reaction at the obvious jab against Shen Yuan, who looks absolutely offended. 

After he recovered from his coughing fit, he dismisses the Disciple with a thanks and turns away from Shen Yuan, who is now huffing loudly and muttering about “disrespectful children” while snatching the forms he needs to fill out from the desk. 

Maybe, if his own diciples still stood with him, it wouldn't be all that bad..