Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Maybe I’ll get to go home soon?

Then again, this is pretty fun.

“That’s right!” Giovanni says from behind me, having caught on surprisingly quickly. “These two are our hostages! So you’d better not shoot!”

Giovanni picks me up by the scruff of my bear hoodie and hoists me up on the box in front of him. Oh, uh, I guess I should say something. The cops are watching. I should try to look scared.

“Oh no! I am an unwilling hostage! I hope I am not hit! By a gun! Or a Real-Ass Goddamn Sword!”

The Officer holding the sword gasped. I know that I should feel bad, but I haven’t had this much fun in a while.

“Egads!”

“She Swore!”

“And I don’t feel bad about it!” Should I be feeling bad about this? Naaaaah, it’s probably fine. “My innocent youth is already being corrupted by bad-guy proximity!”

“Nooo!” The lead cop with the blond hair shouted, before reluctantly lowering her weapon. “Stand down, men.”

“Hehehahahahah! That’s right! You wouldn’t want to hit one of those hostages through the fog by mistake~”

Oh, well I guess we’re done here. I gotta admit, it’s pretty fun being a minion, even if it was only for a day. It was kind of like a field trip! Except better because my dad wasn’t here, and I got to make a friend with a loser teenager and his band of even loserer teenager…ers. Okay that’s not fair to Giovanni, he’s actually pretty cool. Not his minions though. They know what they did.

As fun as it was, I’m looking forward to going home and going to sleep. Oh wait. I gotta open up the store. For the night shift. Can we just, do crime all night instead? If I have to sell Ms. Fuckwhistle any more teddy bears at the stroke of midnight that she will inevitably use to curse me when I fall asleep in class, well, I’ll feel pretty dumb. I mean, Trixie gets in so much trouble that she won’t notice that I’ve fallen asleep with my eyes open. Sorry, Trixie causes so much trouble. She would want full grammatical credit for it, even in my internal monologue.

Ah well. I’m still tired. I’ll just set up the bell. Lenny will always get in the store before Fuckwhistle, and he’ll wake me up because he needs the receipt for collector reasons. I’m not… jinxing myself by not wanting to go home, am I? I mean, what could possibly go wrong at this point?

MEANWHILE, in an alternate universe at COINCIDENTALLY THE SAME TIME!

“This is the single worst idea you have ever had, and I just want you to know that before we both die.”

“Stop being such a drama queen. We’ve wanted to do portal since forever!” I barked. We were in the middle of an abandoned alley littered with junk next to a jewelry store. It wasn’t like, full on night time, but it was late and the sun was setting. That meant it was the perfect time to pull off my latest scheme.

“No, no, I get it.” Uber began. “But uh, even not knowing much tinkertalk, I gotta say, did you really spend our funds on getting some of Haywire’s old notes? Isn’t that guy, you know, crazy? Couldn’t we have done this without you consulting his notes?”

Uber was rocking Chell’s look from Portal 2 with the white tank top and orange jumpsuit folded down to look like a pair of hammer pants. I’m rocking Chell’s Portal 1 look with just the zipped-up orange jumpsuit. The good news is that if the heroes catch us, they might just throw us in wearing our own jumpsuits, which are modified for our own protection, plus some nice tools for Uber to pick locks and whatnot built into the design. The best part of our outfits is that I am 95% sure they are incapable of sudden detonation.

“You wouldn’t get it, it’s a tinker thing! I mean, I know you understand why this is our most important heist to date, but Portal as a game needs no explanation. It alongside Half-Life are incredibly important to the history of gaming development. Moreso on Aleph than Bet, sure, but it, much like Pikmin, is a game that pushed boundaries. I would argue that, while games like Bejeweled are more influential, Portal was far more innovative. Portal’s core concept-“

“I’m gonna stop you right there because I know this already. What I’m asking is why you needed to model the Portal Gun off Haywire’s tech.”

“I didn’t, strictly speaking need to, but c’mon, this is Portal! We gotta give this game the respect it deserves, so I pulled out all the stops. Besides, I think it would make for an excellent viewing experience to have the snitch following us through portals. Super cinematic. Our donors will love it!”

“Our donors also love it when your technology spontaneously combusts and ruins the entire heist.”

“That’s not important. What’s important: Is Video Games!”

“Well, we should probably hurry up and start the roll for take 1. This is pretty close to Empire territory, so I’d rather get this robbery started before the sun sets.”

“Oh! Yeah sure, let’s start the roll!”

The Snitch, the best invention I’ve ever created, hovers in front of us as I use my control switch to have it start rolling. We can edit out the rough spots later. Uber puts on his go face and leads us in.

“Wwwwhat’s poppin’ gamers! It’s time for another heist courtesy of the determined escapee Uber!”

“And the monotone, sardonic A.I. that wants him to die, Leet.” I say doing my best impression of GLaDOS. “And today, we have a very special epside for you all. That’s right, gamers, it’s finally the Portal episode!”

“But first, we’d like to give a shoutout to all of our backers over on-” Uber and I then do our usual 3-minute-long preamble about subscribing, membership bonuses, donations, and all the other stuff that happens in front of the video you actually want to watch. Well, except ads, but we’ve been demonetized ever since the GTA video, so we just hacked our channel to remove ads. I don’t like giving the constant reminders, but they work. Gotta get with the algorithm.

“So anyways, my man Leet here hooked us up with this!” He raises his arm to the drone showing off my Portal gun, filling me with a huge dose of pride. “Check it!” He shoots an orange portal on the wall behind him on the Jewlery store, and a blue one right next to it. I walk through the blue one and come out behind Uber, draping myself over his shoulders.

“Pretty cool, huh?” I say cheekily. I know the close physical contact drives the shippers on PHO nuts, so I do it on purpose, despite the fact that me and Uber aren’t gay. I mean, sure, we eat together, sleep together, commit crime together, bathe together, spend all our time together, and promised to spend our lives together, but you gotta be dedicated to get that sweet internet engagement and stay relevant. Plus, it helps people not think we’re Nazis. I mean, we live in Nazi town, it kind of comes with the territory to make them mad.

They were not happy with the Wolfenstein stream…

“Uber here, be a dear and go set up a portal in the jewelry store.”

“On it!” He says. We share a totally platonic homie kiss as Uber rounds the corner and fires a blue portal onto the roof of the store. The underpaid employee inside is totally asleep thanks to the Sleepy Sheep from Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door I made. Didn’t want her pressing the panic button under the desk until we were ready. We’ve got a video to film after all!

He jogs back around the corner.

“Nobody saw you?”

“What does it matter? We’re about to skedaddle anyways! Let’s show our fans how to think with portals!”

I blushed completely platonically at him. “Alright viewers! On the count of 3!”

Unbeknownst to the villainous gaymers, there was a problem with Leet’s Portal gun. Shocking turn of events, I know. You see, Haywire wanted to open a portal to another dimension, as part of his specialization. However, Haywire’s tech has a pretty serious limitation.

“”One!””

Haywire’s tech was only ever designed to open portals from one side, and the portals he creates are largely specialized for interdimensional travel. Normally, this never came up since that’s all Haywire tried to accomplish. Leet’s Portal gun accomplishes its teleportation by creating dimensional portals, but the portals can’t lead to the same dimension. Leet got around this limitation by having the gun use a second dimension in the middle like one of those shitty Smucker’s PB&J sandwiches you’d get at school when you forgot your lunch at home. From the outside you see two portals leading to one another. Two breads, as it were.

Leet’s power figured out that you can just sandwich an incredibly small portion of another dimension in the middle of two portals in that dimension. Say the Blue portal leads from Bet to Aleph, the Orange portal, despite being the exit, is actually the same.The portals, being right next to each other and facing one another, effectively let you swap places on Bet while using Aleph like a bridge. A normal person on Bet would never notice. It’s not exactly practical to assume it works like that. Only an insane idiot would think to use this as a solution to short range portal creation.

“”Two!!!””

But between the Blue-Orange Uncrustable lies the Peanut Butter of another dimension. Now, normally, this wouldn’t be a problem, since most worlds close to Bet aren’t habited, and are thus perfect for this extremely wasteful use of technology that makes Leet’s shard wish it just bought an Entity-damned Lunchable instead.

Now, what do you suppose would happen when you take the device maintaining the portals into said portals, where bits of that technology will be briefly trisected into three halves across reality, made by a Tinker whose technology is regularly faulty and self-destructs since his Shard is trying to kill him?

““THREE!!!””

Well, you get yourself into a Jam, I would think.

“Through the Fog?” The Police lady inquired. “What fog?”

“The Fog! Of Looost Sooooouuuuls!”

Right on queue, Giovanni unleashed a large mist of kinda pink Tomato Basil, and all the Banzai Blasters started to scram. Though uh, Giovanni might have gotten a little excited with the mist because it was way thicker than the first one, and I heard some of his other minions bump into each other. I resolved not to move and get caught up in whatever shenanigans were happening as people shouted, but something bumped into me and knocked me forward.

“AaaAaah! Oof!” I hit the ground with a loud thump.

“Beartrap!” “Citizen!” I heard at once as footsteps started heading in my direction before Giovanni and three other footsteps stopped next to me.

“Are you alright, Beartrap? Who bumped you?”

“No! Booossss! I’m a citizen, escape already!”

“Egads! Accosting a citizen! It appears I have no choice!”

The sounds of running sent everyone around me into a panic.

“Boss! She has a real-ass sword! What do we do?”

“Do we take the kid with us! Oh man oh man oh man!”

“Hey, Hey! Just grab the girl and go. I’ll uh, make sure she gets home after this. Car Crash, you can drop her off at home, right?!”

“I’m not getting into a car with a guy named ‘Car Crash’!”

“Hey broth boy! You and your Consommé need to drop the fog before innocents like me get caught in the crossfire!” Sylvie shouted from across the room.

“I-I-I can’t drop the fog, she’ll arrest us!”

“YOU’RE CRIMINALS!” I mean, Sylvie wasn’t wrong…

“YEAH, AND WE DON’T WANNA GET CAUGHT! ARE YOU OKAY BEARTRAP?!”

“Yeah, I just scuffed my knee, so-”

“Alright then, see you never. Car-Crash, Spike, come on!”

“Not on my watch!”

Just then, a weird light appeared under me and all of a sudden, I started to fall.

“AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!”

“Beartrap!” I heard shouted behind…above me? “No minion gets left behind on my wa-woahwoahwoAHWOAHWOAHWOOOAAAH!?!?!”

I still feel like I’m falling, but as I look around, everything in the air around me feels wibbly and wobbly. Like being in one of my sister’s Dream Bubbles, but like, worse. Like someone was blowing a really big bubble. It just keeps getting bigger and bigger, an unsafe amount of soap surrounding us on all sides, It kinda looks like the colors you see from inside the car at the car wash. It’s a mesmerizing swirl of colors that even the early and fierce grasp of minimum wage work can’t make me too cynical to enjoy as it gets bigger and bigger until it-

*POP*

All of a sudden, I hit the floor again!

“Owww!”

There’s lots of noise around me. I push myself up into criss-cross applesauce and look around.

Oh wow, that’s a lot of people.

There’s Giovanni and uh, I forgot the names but two of the Banzai Blasters. The Police lady is picking herself up, and Mera is unconscious. Someone should probably check up on her, but my knee hurt. Yeah, she didn’t get their HP back for winning the battle. There’s glass all over the place. Is this a jewelry store? I’m so confused.

“H-hey boss?”

“What is it, Beartrap? Are you hurt?” Giovanni ambled over to me with his two minions in tow, very carefully making sure no one stepped on the glass.

“Um, a little, but I’ll be fine. What happened?”

“I dunno. I activated the Fog of Lost Souls to make my getaway, then you fell over and I was panicking and then it looked like that time one of my cousins ate 4 full packs of crayons then threw up on the carpet everywhere.”

Looking around at the rest of the store, there was a retail employee behind the desk looking at us with wide eyes. They had square rectangular glasses, more freckles than balls in a ball pit, and a dyed red ponytail tied back in dollar store scrunchie. She looked very uncomfortable.

“Oh man! Is this a Jewelry Store! That. Was. SO on my list of places to rob!” Giovanni mouthed off, not finding anything weird about this situation? I mean, I’ve been in a couple of reality bubbles, and this is way too different.

I looked back at everyone in the lobby. Mera’s here, for some reason, but she’s just groaning in pain, which, to be fair, is kind of a mood I guess. Most of the displays are broken and there’s a really loud alarm just, blaring in my ears, but honestly if I dumb down the sound I’d probably fall asleep. Looks like the store was damaged when we came in through the uh... where did we come in? I started looking around when the Police Lady came up to me and pointed up.

The entire roof of the building was completely gone. Above us was a vast expanse of late evening sky. Wait, wasn’t it the middle of the night?

“That’s weird…”

“Yes, I agree. A building in a residential area with such a blatant violation of code? It is quite insulting to someone such as myself.”

Oh. She’s weird too. The police lady, completely not noticing the rising moon or obviously dimmer stars, walks up to the register.

“Excuse me, miss. I am an architectural consultant and seem to have noticed an architectural inefficiency in your store. Are you aware of the massive gaping hole in the ceiling.”

The employee, who is certainly not paid enough for this kind of situation, I know the look, just nods her head once.

“Well then, I would suggest that you inform your superiors immediately. Such a structural fault could prove disastrous. Imagine, if you will, that someone was eating ice cream in this very store. A lone seagull could ruin their entire evening in a myriad of ways, and eliminate the value of their ice cream altogether due to simple malpractice. It is simply unconscionable.”

“…I’m calling the cops.”

“No need. I am Percival King. Sweet Jazz Police. I can front your complaints.”

“S-sweet Jazz?”

“Yes. That is what I said. Am I out of Jurisdiction?”

“Um.” Feeling the need to interject while Giovanni fusses over his two minions, I decide I may as well ask what’s on my mind. “What’s the date?”

I mean, it’s been a while, but the sun only looks like it’s setting. Are we in Longshot? Or do I have my Geography Time wrong and it’s Bellmouth. I could see both. Oh, we could be in Canada, Australia. I really hope we’re not though. I don’t want to know what a Moosearoo looks like yet!

The redheaded teenager pulls out her phone. “January, 12, 2011.”

“What?!” Mera limped up. “D-did the Arsene amulet send us back in time, somehow? Actually where is that stupid thing…”

“Don’t be ridiculous, citizen, the Arsene Amulet can’t send people back in time. Such an effect would be clearly listed on its placard at the museum. You did read the placard, right?”

“T-there was a placard?” Mera asked.

“Of course. It should, like the other exhibits, be stored in the same box. I can’t imagine someone trying to steal it would be so foolish as to not know what it was and ignore reading the placard, which could contain vital information to its safe handling.”

“Yeah!” Giovanni said, his goons walking up to the register with us. “What kind of loser doesn’t read up on cool artifacts? How else are you going to know what’s worth stealing?!”

“Y-you didn’t even know it was in the collection!” Mera protested. “I had to tell you what it was!”

“PSSSSH! Come on! I’m the leader of a band of crrriminals! Of course I would have all the details!”

“Your minion is smarter than you!” Mera shouted. “I doubt you know left from right!”

“Of course, I do! I always cast on with my left hand when I knit!”

“Now please, it’s more efficient to use a tool-”

“Um.” I spoke up. “Maybe we should stop arguing and figure out what happened? Maybe pick someone to do the talking?”

“Exactly!” Giovanni immediately jumped to my side. “We should take a word out of Beartrap’s book, since she’s so much smarter than me, apparently~.”

Everyone looks mollified at this, if disgruntled in Mera’s case. Giovanni stands up straight sneering. “Go on. Tell them who should be the unofficial leader of our merry little band of ne’er do wells.”

“Okay, uh, Police Lady?”

“B-b-beartrap?! You were supposed to pick me! Your cool boss, hellooo?!”

“Sorry, but she’s the oldest. And she’s not a criminal. And she has a Real Ass Goddamn Sword.”

“She’s got a point.” One of Giovanni’s minions says. “I tend to listen to people with swords.”

“I have my Soulslugger Doombat of Maximum Desctruction!”

“The knife only adds, like, 10% sword, tops.” The lady Blaster sagely comments. “Police lady has 100% sword, genuine ‘real ass’, full ‘goddamn’. Sorry boss.”

Giovanni grumbles under his breath about needing a sword before sulking back to stand with his boys- er, boy and girl? Are they still boys? Whatever, I’ll ask their pronouns later.

“Well, Citizen-”

“It’s Molly.”

“Well then, Molly. I think you have made a wise selection. I will endeavor to get all the information we need.”

“Why are we grouping up again? Didn’t we like, fall through a rainbow or something? I’m so confused?” Mera said, leaning unsteadily against the wall.

“I thought we time traveled.” The guy Blaster said, putting on a thinking face.

“That is what we were hoping to inquire about. So ma’am.” Percy said, turning back to the employee at the register who has been button mashing the panic button under the desk like she was playing Mario Party.

“I don’t have any money.”

“Ah. You seem to be mistaken. I am not here to accost you. Far from it. I merely wish to be pointed to the nearest map or otherwise. You wouldn’t happen to have an Epithet that would help with that, would you?”

“W-what’s an Epithet?” The woman wheezed out as she hyperventilated.

“What’s an Epithet? Are you for real?”

“Mera, we don’t know where we are. She could genuinely not know.” I pointed out. “Though we would have to be out in the boonies in that case.”

“Now now.” Percy states calmly. “Let us calm down.” She reaches her hand out and the glass shards and lose debris on the floor coalesces into a solid stone base, and then up pops a cute little storybook shack with a straw roof and everything. Immediately, a calming aura flows throughout the room. I feel more relaxed. The employee, however, despite calming down looks extremely guarded as she backs up from the lot of us.

“That is better. My Apothecary should help keep us levelheaded and more amiable.”

“You’re a cape!” the lady shouts.

“I am not wearing a cape. My uniform is sufficient to provide me with protection while distinguishing me from your average citizen. Capes are inefficient, showy materials designed to do nothing more than inflate the ego, of which I have no need for.”

“Excuse you! Capes are awesome! I made mine myself!” Giovanni proudly declared as Mera rolled her eyes, barely concealing the shame at the fact that this guy beat her up like 5 minutes ago.

“…point. Also, well-constructed. You have my approval for your knitting skills, criminal. Anyways, that map?”

Right as the redhead was pulling out her phone, she looked over Percy’s shoulder in a panic. I turned to look and some guys in red and black walked into the shop following a white guy. Okay, well, they were all white guys, but this guy was like, really white, and not like albino white, but like, he looked like a 3D printed guy they forgot to paint.

“Hey! This is an Empire protected business!” Said the whitest white man while the others posed with knives and bats. They Jeered and shouted at us. A lot of them were looking at me and all of the sudden I wanted to disappear into my bear hoodie. Several of the guys postured at us, pointing their weapons at us.

“Whoa!” Giovanni backed up a step as white guy stepped into his personal space. “What’s wrong with you? You look like someone dipped you in a Vat of Elmer’s glue and it never came off! Is your Epithet ‘Pasty’?”

Mr. White looked around the room before spotting Percy’s Apothecary on the floor. He stopped, looking pensive before his eyes met mine. I felt a shudder run down my spine as his eyes narrowed.

“Capes, huh?”

“Yes, yes, my cape is very impressive, I know, but what I wanna know is why you and your minions are doing here threatening us! We haven’t even done anything evil yet!”

One of the bald guys stepped up, waving his bat at Giovanni. “Hey! We ain’t minions!”

“Um, do you have powers?”

“No.”

“Then you’re minions, okay!”

“Boss! Don’t be Lexist!” “Yeah boss, not cool!” His own minions called out.

“Sorry, sorry, got a little too in character there. You two are some of my best friends Car Crash. Spike. I would never denigrate you because you don’t have powers. Your friendship is valuable to me irrespective of Epithets. You’re just cool.”

Okay good, now I don’t have to ask their names. Crisis averted. Also they’re hugging now. That’s nice.

Percy took her chance to walk up. “Greeting gentlemen. Me and my compatriots are lost and were looking to acquire a map to reorient ourselves. In the absence of one would you mind telling us where we are?”

The Chalk Man sneered at her. “Empire territory. And me and the boys are here to make sure you don’t forget it.”

“Um, which Empire are you talking about?” Mera barked, clearly annoyed. “We’re kind of not from around here. Could you maybe try to be a bit more helpful?” Mera winced as her very broken…self shifted on the wall.

“Empire 88. You seriously haven’t heard of us? We’re keeping the peace and cleaning up Brockton Bay.” Mannequin-Man said, clearly a little surprised. “Granted, if you didn’t know this shop was protected, I could be convinced to let this slide if you were to meet with my boss.” The man pointed a very white finger at the Apothecary. “You built that, right?” He said eyeing our group.

“Yes indeed.”

“And the rest of you are capes?”

“Okay, everyone we’ve met here keeps talking about capes. Is this going to be a thing?” Mera tapped her foot impatiently. It hurt. I walked over and dumbed down the pain for her. Mera looked at me in surprise.

“…T-thanks kid.”

“No problem. Those guys are scary.” I said, once more glancing at Albino Man and his 5 thugs. They were all bald, all had weapons, and were exactly the kind of people you didn’t want to meet in a dark alley. My stranger danger was off the charts!

“Capes. People with superpowers.” Ivory Dude explained.

“Are you a cape?” Mera asked.

“Wow, you really ain’t from around here. Kaiser is really gonna want to meet you.”

“Wait, your boss is named Kaiser?” I said a bit incredulously. “That’s not a real word. Trixie told me German was invented to make stuff sound stupid. Stink translates to Stinken, which sounds a lot dumber and less cool than Stink does. She’s an expert in this sort of thing.”

“Kaiser’s a good leader, and he’ll be very interested in meeting you, so I’m gonna ask you to come with me.” He locked eyes with me again. “Well, most of you. The right sort.”

“The ‘right sort’? This is starting to sound like a cult thing.” Mera said, glaring at the man.

“I dunno about you guys but this guy makes me very uncomfortable, and I would like to go nowhere until the police show up.”

“Well, that settles that!” Giovanni rejoined the conversational fray with all the grace of seagull trying to eat a Hamburger. “Beartrap doesn’t like you, so you’d better buzz off! Maybe eat some crayons and see if that does something for your complexion!”

“Oh! Eat the Black Crayons! Then you could be black and white like those old movies!” Car Crash helpfully suggested.

One of the White guy’s thugs stifled a chuckle as his leader glared at him. He seems way madder about the black crayons specifically. He must not like how they taste.

“Nice one, Car Crash! He can be Mr. Rubberhose! All his crimes shown in hand drawn black and white.”

“Oh yeah, well you’re about to red all over!” The man shouted.

“Oh yeah?! What are you gonna do, Elmer, glue my math homework to essay? Jokes on you, I didn’t do my math homework or write my essay, so you’ll just have to settle for soggily holding together two pieces of paper in some elementary school kid’s art project!

Instead of responding with words, the Pasty leader and his goons, all five of them, just started walking forward, brandishing their weapons. They charged, and immediately Giovanni started waving his bat to fend them off. Percy, not wasting time, also moved in to support him.

Car Crash and Spike pull out their peashooters and start shooting, and surprisingly get some good shots off on the minions. I guess minion on minion violence makes you really respect the superior minions. In fact, as soon as the peashooters start banging, two of the thugs flee while the receptionist hides under the desk.

“Show them my minions! These thugs want to threaten us?! Oh we’ll show them what’s-AH!”

Alabaster goes for a tackle that Giovanni barely sidesteps. Unfortunately, White grabs Giovanni’s Homemade cloak and pulls him down to the ground. The two start to tussle, but White is clearly stronger.

“We should help.” I say to no one in particular.

“Um, he did beat me up before. I say, let him fight his own battles.” Mera said nonchalantly.

“I’m gonna help him. He’s the boss, and the minions are busy mopping up the other minions.”

“Whatever. Knock yourself out.”

The minions don’t have Melee weapons, and are instead hiding behind Percival to take cheap shots at the thugs. The White man’s friends are swiftly defeated, and I didn’t even have to help this time. That’s nice. It’s nice that things are going well. I mean, aside from not knowing where I am or how to get home, and immediately getting involved in another crime. At least I don’t have to do overtime.

“You know, if you help, you can get fully healed after the battle like the rest of us. Are you sure you want to miss out on that?”

“…Fine.”

Mera forms a spear out of glass and chucks it at the White Man and it jabs right into his shoulder. He staggers for a moment on top of Giovanni before pulling the spear out and crushing it in his grip. Huh, I don’t see any blood. Is this guy really made of glue.

“Banzai Captain! Lose the cloak to get away! Like a Lizard loses its tail!” Percy says, watching the two tussle on the floor.

“I can’t! My stitching is NOT subpar! It’s not gonna come off!”

“Then you leave me no choice. I will construct a Wizard Tower!”

Once more, from the rubble, a base appears and atop it forms a knightly looking turret with a ball of lightning floating over top of it.

“Waitwaitwaitwait! That thing’s awesome and all, but we’re still touching here- OW! If you shock him you’ll shock me too!”

“Well, when we win the battle, you will be at full HP, so it’s fine.”

“Not fine NOT FINE!”

“FIRE!”

Electricity streaks into the two of them on the floor, zapping them as their muscles lock up. The surge continues for a few seconds then stops as the two collapse on the floor covered in soot and smoke.

“Excellent. Now, get up, unnamed Banzai Blaster. We have won this battle.”

Giovanni Staggers to his feet.

“Wow, okay, Police Lady, I see you have no mercy. I can *ow* respect that.” Giovanni says, completely healed and rubbing soot off himself.

As he says this, a soot covered figure stands, but it’s not the Boss, it’s Wax Attack. And he doesn’t look like he took any damage. He lunges at Percy in a full tackle, but Percy swats him away with her weapon and steps back towards the rest of us.

“FIRE”

Once more, Lightning surges out and starts to char him, but as he’s getting zapped, it looks like his injuries fully heal. At the end of the blast he’s not as hurt as he should be!

“What is this? Is this your Epithet? To heal from damage?” Percy asks.

“Wouldn’t you like to know.” He says as he goes for another lunge. But he’s easily swatted away by Percy’s sword again. As he stumbles back, his injuries from the latter half of the electricity attack instantly disappear.

“No way. He was fully defeated before. I’m even healed now.” Mera said. “How are we supposed to win the battle if he constantly gets fully healed? This is absurd!”

Mr White just grins. “Well, how will you do it?”

I’m glad Percival is in between me and him. Percy’s tower zaps him again and again he’s healing up, right as rain. We can keep him busy for now, but we’ll lose in a battle of attrition.

“Maybe we can stop him from being very threatening? I can use my epithet on him and maybe we can convince him to leave?”

“Fine idea Molly, is he in range?” Percy asks, batting him back again.

“Yeah, I should be good.” I reach out with my Epithet on Snow White, and I feel him go dumb. His pupils went dim and his body went slack…until his body is restored, and his eyes become keen again!

“It didn’t work! His power healed the effect somehow!”

“So he just resets his body back to normal every 5 seconds?” Car Crash whines. “How are we supposed to knock him out?”

“Yeah!” Spike complains. “This is super unfair!”

“I’ve got an idea!” Percy says as she shocks Mr. Paperback again. “But I might need a distraction.”

“A distraction…” Well, we didn’t get much good pre-battle banter out of him, so there’s not much to go on. “Uh, hey Whitest White guy! Your arch nemesis, Blackest Black guy? He’s about to come in right now!”

Not my best improv.

“What?!” He said in surprise, looking at the door or a brief moment as Percy went for her Eraser cuffs, pulling his arms behind his back and cuffing him.

For a brief couple of moments, the entire shop went silent, in awe of the fact that that actually worked. All Chalk Guy could do was wallow in shame for what he did. I felt kind of bad for him.

“Excellent distraction citizen! Now, to finish this fight. Fire!”

Another Zap shoots off from the wizard tower, zapping the guy and knocking him unconscious.

He gets up again, fully healed like nothing happened.

“This is stupid!” Giovanni complains from behind Percy. “We can’t even turn off his power with eraser cuffs!?”

“Look.” The Frosted Flake starts. “You can’t stop me. You can’t put me down. You can’t touch me. I can do this all day and there’s nothing you can do about it. So why don’t you just come with me and I’ll introduce you to the Empire? It’s not like you can win after all.” He said, voice dripping with confidence.

“Drat. That’s a pretty good villain speech. Hey! That’s my gig, you hear!”

“I don’t want to agree, but I’m not sure if we have another way out of this.” Percy said, somewhat resignedly.

The Milk Man gave a feral grin.

“Um.” Mera spoke up, interrupting everyone’s thoughts. “Did- did anyone else get a bunch of proficiency since this guy showed up?”

Silence fell over the room.

“What the fuck does that mean?” The Porcelain Man asked, but we all just ignored him at the revelation. Car Crash said what we were all thinking.

“Wait, does this mean…that every time we beat him, we get proficiency?”

All heads in the room turn to Bleached Boy, who was suddenly looking less like a credible threat and more like a chromatically challenged piñata. His face went white when he realized what we were thinking.

Okay, well, whiter than normal.

“Robbing a Jewelry Store? Isn’t that kind of cliché? Who are you even going to sell the jewelry to in Brockton Bay, the other one Jeweler?”

“You laugh, Assault, but the great Jewelry Store Rivalry from the Marche’s days is well documented.”

“I refuse to believe that is real. It’s just silly. Brockton Bay isn’t that silly. This place stinks too much to have something funny in it happen, Battery.”

“What about Uber and Lee-” Battery cuts herself off, not even having to finish the thought. They’re a good couple, but terrible entertainers.

Battery finishes charging and throws herself fully at me, and I take her momentum as stored Kinetic Energy to bounce forward. I grabs Battery as I bounce, allowing her to charge so that, whens he lands, she can repeat the process with another punch. This continues as the two heroes race to the scene of the recently reported break in via the most slapstick form of locomotion this side of the Flintstones.

“Who do you think broke in?” I asked.

“Undersiders are a good bet. It’s Empire territory, so it could be ABB, but this kind of place is a soft target. My bet is Uber and Leet, though. Undersiders mainly hit large companies for financial crime. Could be Circus, I guess. This fits their M.O. to a T.”

“Circus sounds likely, yeah. Well, Puppy, are you down to clown?”

“We both know I don’t wear the collar in this relationship. Also, if you start making clown jokes, you are sleeping in the doghouse.”

I was on thin ice. Apparently, Battery prefers professionalism, and calling her ‘Puppy’ being caught on camera and posted on PHO put her in a bad mood. Who would’ve thunk it?

“Fair enough, fair enough. Though I gotta admit, isn’t this a pretty terrible time to be committing a robbery? I mean, just an hour or two and the store would have been closed.”

“Then it must be Uber and Leet. They commit crimes for ‘cred’, whatever that means. E88 wouldn’t rob people in their own territory without a good reason. Kaiser likes to style himself something of an alternative to the PRT, so this doesn’t match his M.O.”

“True enough. We’re coming up on the place now.”

*Affirmative. What do you see?*

Console rang out in our ears. It was Ms. Militia, as it usually was this late. Being a noctis cape has its advantages, but being stuck with late night console and patrol is not one of them.

“Other than a giant gaping hole in the ceiling?”

*Yes*

“Occasional blasts of light from the hole in the roof. Something’s still happening inside.” Battery said. “Requesting a van to our location. Are we clear to engage and stall for time?”

*You are a go, Battery*

Carefully, I walk up to the Jewelry store, making doubly sure my helmet cam is on, and I bear witness to a truly unique sight. On the ground in handcuffs is Alabaster, sitting in a circle of scorch marks, broken glass, and a puddle of red liquid. He tries pushing his way off the ground, when a bolt of lighting slams into him, causing his muscles to seize up and he just pitifully falls back into a heap. He barely looks like he’s trying anymore if that dead fish look in his eyes is any indication.

Following the lightning, there’s some sort of medieval tower thing and a hut popping out of the ground. The tower has a little ball of lightning hovering over it.

ZAP!

Alabaster got shocked again as the orb loosed another bolt at him.

Standing around him was a Police Officer, though I didn’t recognize him. There’s a woman with purple hair and pale skin leaning against the far wall. Alabaster resets and she waves her hand at him, causing a spire of glass to jut out from the floor under him and knock him flat on his back, banging his head on the floor.

There’s also three people in yellow jumpsuits, two of them are holding yellow blaster looking things while the one without a helmet and messy salmon colored hair is holding some orb of roiling liquid above his palm.

Alabaster resets, and they start shooting him while Salmon-Hair lazily throws the orb at him. It sizzles as it hits his skin and the bullets hit Alabaster, knocking him to the floor again.

Lastly, there’s a little girl with dark skin in a cute looking hoodie that has…stars? In her hair?

Alabaster gets up, or wakes up, he seems to have lost the will to fight and is just waiting around. The girl kicks him before the police officer pulls out a Real Ass Goddamn Sword and bonks him over the head with the flat end of it.

Why did I just call it that in my head?

Alabaster falls backwards. When his eyes regain lucidity, he looks at the door with resignation in his eyes.

“Fucking finally. Can you please, for the-”

ZAP!!!!!!!

“…love of all that is-”

SHNNNK!

“…holy just throw a fuckin-”

*BANG* *BANG* *SSZZZZZ!*

“…confoam grenade at me and take me to jail already!”

Battery walks up behind me, taking one look at the ridiculous scene in front of us.

*Kick* *BONK*

“Assault, what the fuck is this?”

“Oh, are you the heroes Glue Guy was talking about?” The young child asks. “Uh, we’re lost, and we need some help figuring out where we are.”

ZAP!!!!!!!!

“You uh, seem to have things well in hand. Are you villains?”

“Only the most EVIL of-” “No we’re not villains.” The purple one interrupted the redhead.

“Yeah, uh, Drywall dude over here tried to attack us!” The helmeted guy added.

SHNNNNNK!

“Mhm! Eggshell and Satin, plus his buddies, started waving weapons at us! Super not cool." The woman in yellow responded.

The police officer walked up, clearing her throat.

“Percival King. Sweet Jazz police. I’ve apprehended this Monochrome Miscreant. Do you happen to have a map?”

I couldn’t help myself. I burst out laughing.

Chapter Text

It turns out that, after doubling over in laughter at the scene in front of them, we were, actually, a bunch of suspicious looking people beating up some guy in a half-destroyed jewelry store. You couldn’t look at the scene and not immediately think ‘Oh yeah, this is a crime alright’. They took the Whiteboard guy away in a sticky looking ball of foam, which Giovanni immediately wanted one of.

That’s how everyone got here, or, well, at least Giovanni, Mera, and I in the back of black armored van with a bunch of guys in ominous police armor, as well as the man in the silly looking red suit. Neither of Giovanni’s minions could agree on who got to go with him, since we had to ride in two vans. Spike felt it would be unsportsmanlike to be alone in a car with Giovanni since Crusher wasn’t here. She wanted to win him over fair and square, and not because she’s the only one who likes him by default. Mera refused to ride in the same car with a guy called ‘Car Crash’. Percy also wanted one law abiding citizen per two heinous criminals, so Molly couldn’t ride in the same car as Percy.

Really, it was all like one of those puzzles you’d get given by some man with an overly large nose in a Professor Layton game. Probably only worth like 10 Picarats, and if you used a hint on it, you would be eternally shamed.

Anyway, the sun had set as the van bumbled along the road. The three of us were very…very tired. After all, it had been like 3am when the museum heist happened and now we were here, not in Sweet Jazz city, in a different time zone. I was only convinced that this wasn’t one of Lorelai’s dream bubbles by the fact that everyone other than Coloring Book’s Most Wanted was too normal.

The two black armored individuals in the back with the red spandex man were silent as the van pulled out. Convincing Giovanni to get in a car with people who were nominally good guys wasn’t that hard. Molly just mentioned that these guys looked very Evil in their all-black outfits, scary vans, cool vizors and weird foam flamethrowers. Foam-throwers? All I knew was that Giovanni wanted to know what the foam tasted like, and the man in the red suit, with the suitably un-evil name of “Assault”, offered to let Giovanni have a breathable foam mustache and beard if he got in the van. He was like those creepy guys in the vans the VHS tapes warned me about.

But I didn’t want foam in my hair and, honestly, I was too tired to put up more of a fight. Sure, circle beating Tim Tofu refreshed my health and stamina, but not energy. You still got tired fighting people, running, swimming, that kind of thing. I just wondered when I would get to go home and open up the store for the night shift. Was it morning in Sweet Jazz City? Oh man, if I couldn’t get home fast enough, I’d miss out on my interpersonal communications classes! Lorelai and Dad can’t run the store without her!

Molly started to panic before my body’s lack of energy caught up to her and I just sort of leaned against Giovanni. Mera wouldn’t like it if I leaned on her. It would probably hurt somehow. Mera was still in a lot of pain, probably. After a moment’s consideration, I scooched over and used my Epithet to dumb down her pain while in the back of the car. Mera silently sent me a grateful look.

“Who there, kid, what are you doing?” Assault asked, wariness in her voice.

“Oh. Um… I’m using my Epithet to dumb down her pain.”

“Epithet?”

“It’s uh, my power. I can dumb down and simplify things.”

“What’s the limits on that?” He asked warily.

“Oh, uh, I can dumb down sound to make it quiet, or dumb down attacks to make them hurt less. Right now, I’m dumbing down Mera’s pain since her Epithet hurts her.”

“Her power hurts her?”

“Yeah. Her Epithet makes her body frailer, and she’s been through a lot of pain today. Her bones aren’t broken anymore since she beat the world’s least fashionable Crash Test Dummy in that fight, but from what she told me, she’s in pain all the time, so I thought I’d help her out while we drove to your evil lair Mr. Assault.”

Assault let out a chuckle. “Kid, I’m not a villain, I’m a hero.”

“Oh yeah?” Giovanni challenges. “What kind of Hero chooses a name like ‘Assault’? That’s like calling yourself ‘Arsonist’ or “Manslaughter’. Trust me: I know a Villian name when I see one!”

“Oh yeah.” Mera stated. “Well, why didn’t you have a Villain name when you robbed the museum?”

“I am a Bonzai Blaster! We just use our names!”

“Yeah, because the police totally won’t find you if you shout your name all over town.”

“A Bonzai Captain leads his minions by example. I am the shining beacon of Evil that my minions will inevitably measure themselves by. Being brave and audacious about such things shows that you can be relied on to lead dastardly and nefariously!”

“Those Bargain Bin Bozos of yours?”

“HEY!” Giovanni shouted, genuinely offended. “Those ‘Bozos’ happen to be good friends of mine! AND Mr. Barrier already got caught by the cops! I saw it on the way to the storage room!”

“W-well your minions are almost certainly going to get arrested without their oh-so fearless leader.”

“How DARE you? My minions-”

“Guys!” Molly shouted. “Stop fighting! We can see how everyone else is after we figure out how to get home.”

“Speaking of Home.” Assault interjected. “Where are all of you from? You don’t see such uh…” Assault’s eyes very obviously track onto Molly’s hair-stars. “…unique hair styles and colors around here.”

“Oh, well, I’m from Sweet Jazz City.” Molly answered.

Assault stifles a chuckle before remembering that Percy said the same exact thing. “Uh, never heard of it. What country is it in?”

Mera looks at Assault like he dropped several IQ points in a mere moment.

“Um, Taiga Country. How far in the boonies is this place?”

“Taiga what? This is the USA, I’ve never heard of Taiga country.”

“You can’t be serious. Percy was right, do you have a map?”

Assault pulls out his phone and quickly googles a map. He turns it and shows the three across from him.

“I hate to bring it up, Villain dude, but your map is all wrong. Australia is on the wrong side, and somehow doesn’t have Canada in it.” Giovanni sagely pointed out, noticing nothing else off about the map.

“Oh man.” I said, already having an idea of how this would go. “Uh, Mr. Assault, you’ve never heard of Taiga Country. Or Sweet Jazz City? Or Epithets?”

“Not in the slightest.” He said, a pinch of concern sneaking its way into his voice.

“Damn it!” Mera shouted. “This isn’t just another part of our world; this is another world entirely! And the Arsene Amulet has never been further away that it is now!”

Mera threw her hands in the air in frustration. I felt a little stricken.

“Well uh, I guess I don’t have to worry about the night shift anymore.”

“Night shift? How old are you?”

“I’m Twelve.”

“Jesus, no child labor laws?”

“What’s a jesus?” Giovanni asked.

Assault and the two guards looked at us with barely concealed shock.

“Damn.” One of the guards said. “You don’t have Jesus in Epithet-land?”

“No. What is it anyways. Is it like, a magical energy you use for your special attacks? If you don’t have Epithets you must CLEARLY have some equivalent, right? I mean, Doctor Drywall back there was totally healing back to full health with a power!”

“Yeah.” One of the guards said, stifling a chuckle. “Just like Haven always said. Jesus is the source of powers alright.”

His fellow guard guffawed. Oh, they were making fun of us. That was a good sign!

“Hey. No spreading misinformation. That’s my job.” Assault chastised, also stifling a chuckle. Before he could say anything else, he put his finger up to some device in his ear.

“Yeah?” He said to no one in particular, his growing grin was cut short as he immediately and very professionally schooled his face into the picture of utmost seriousness.

“Who was that?” Mera teased. “Your boss?”

“My wife told me not to spread disinformation to people who’ve literally only been on Earth Bet for like an hour tops.”

“What’s your wife’s name, villain man? Battery? Haha! Get it?! Assault and Battery?”

Assault’s silence spoke volumes, though not as many volumes as the unrestrained chuckles coming from the guards.

“Wait…” Mera said. “Your wife’s name really is Battery?”

“Yup. She was a hero before me. Her name’s actually meant as like, you know, an electronic battery, because her power lets her charge and store energy. When I joined up, I knew I had to do it to her.” He grinned pridefully.

“Oh! So you aren’t heroes names after literal crimes, you’re just a sappy couple!” I said.

“Oh yeah! We’re-” He was cut off again by his earpiece, though this time his smile just got wider as he listened to Battery on the other end.

“Right, right, sorry. Battery wanted to say that if I didn't stop assaulting your ears with lies, I wouldn't get battered tonight.” He said as though he just told some really good joke. Mera rolled her eyes and muttered something about ‘comedians’, while Giovanni just gave Assault a glare. I don’t get it, did he say something bad? I thought it made sense. I mean, Battery works both for beating up bad guys and charging up energy. That’s a pretty good use of an Epithet- oh shoot, she’s a Mundie. Wait, if there’s no Epithets here, no one on the planet other than the three of us and Percy are Inscribed. That’s so weird to think about…

“Wait…” I started, “How many people on average have powers here? I mean, in our world, one in every seven people-.”

“Not seven.” Mera interrupted. “Five…I think? But…seriously kid? It was on the museum tour I gave like, ten or so hours ago.”

“Sorry, you were kind of boring, Mera.”

“Okay, well, I wasn’t a real tour guide. Don’t judge me.” She said defensively.

“Anyways, what are the numbers here?”

“Well uh, definitely not one in five. Those are some crazy numbers to me. One in five people have superpowers in your world? That’s crazy! How does your society even function?”

“Um…” I’m only twelve! I don’t know all this stuff! “Mera! You were a fake tour guide for like a day! You can give them the same rundown you gave me! Just maybe do it without boring anyone.”

“Yeah, okay, I’ll try, but Indus is the entertaining one, not me.” Mera said, before putting her head in her hands. “I wonder how Indus is doing right now…”

“And my other boys! I just have to hope they escaped the cops in time!”

Yeah, I can’t help but worry about everyone else at the museum. The four other blasters, Indus, and Sylvie. He was nice. Hopefully he’s doing alright.

“I am NOT a thief! Let me out of here!” Sylvie shouted from inside the prison cell.

“Look, kid-”

“I am NOT a kid, either!”

“Look, we already put you in a big boy cell-” Sylvie growled in unintelligible rage “-but you did break into the museum in the middle of the night.” The police officer chided.

“…Alright. Alright, fine! You just need someone to corroborate my story. Hey lunkhead!” He ordered at Indus, who was in the cell next to him. “Tell him! I wasn’t there to steal anything.”

“Of course!” Indus cheerily chirped, his one brain cell working very hard. “Lady Mera told me that you were here to look at the Amulet after hours with no one else around. You then used your Epithet to knock me out, and Lady Mera convinced you to stop the competition so she could steal the Amulet in peace.”

“Aiding and Abetting. Trespassing. The charges all add up.” The officer said, taking a sip of his coffee. “You uh, you sure you want to be tried in the big boy courts, kid?”

“I KEEP SAYING I’M NOT A KID!”

The officer shrugs.

“Suit yourself.”

The officer walked off, leaving Indus and Sylvie alone in their cells.

“Why did you say it like that?! I just wanted a professional look at it!”

Indus twiddled his thumbs. “I am sorry Doctor Ashling; I was taught that it was always important to be honest and open.”

“You’re a thief! How is that honest? Ugh, what did I do to deserve this?!”

“I was merely helping my lady.” Indus’s face settles into a frown. “I am ashamed to say that I could not protect her. She must be very disappointed in me. Now how will I become strong?”

“…I mean, I’m a highly trained Epithet User, even if I don’t remember what mine is right now, maybe I could help give you some ideas? B-but only if you promise not to use the ideas to steal!”

“Oh!” Indus chirps. “That would be very helpful, Doctor Ashling! You remember my Epithet, even if I don’t! Then I could become strong enough that nothing would ever harm Lady Mera ever again!”

“Also, if you want to talk about why you need to be strong, I am a licensed therapist, you know. Not like either of us have anything better to do…”

“How incredible for one so young to be so accomplished! I would gladly become stronger in the heart as well as the body. All the better to save my lady.”

Sylvie bites his tongue, fighting back his instinctual retort and just accepting the praise. What really happened in the museum to cause everyone to vanish? Somethings ticking at him. That Blaster fellow called his move ‘the fog of lost souls’, but there’s no way that’s actually the truth, right? I mean, did they get so lost in the fog that it caused an explosion? And the Amulet was lost in the same explosion. Furthermore, two entirely different criminals were caught up in the blast. Could they have been in the air vent? The vent broke during the fight, but Sylvie can’t seem to remember what happened. Curious. VERY curious. This reeks of Epithet usage, but those other two thieves are still being processed since they didn’t have I.D.s. Clearly, they’re serious thieves to be so far off the grid. Yes, Sylvie concludes. This entire situation is a result of at least one of their Epithets. This must have all been planned to steal the Amulet and frame him for it! It makes perfect sense! Anyone paying attention would know to be wary of such a talented individual such as himself. It’s the perfect frame job! They probably hired those Banzai Blasters as part of this plot to be insurance! No one would think it was weird for Blasters to do something like this, and being associated with those clowns could only sully Sylvie’s reputation! Why, thinking about it from another angle-

As Sylvie stands there, twitching like a glitching video game character, Indus merely watches as his new teacher begins to think up lesson plans for him. What a kind and honorable young man! Lady Mera will be quite pleased to see him learn from someone as well put-together as he is!

“They’re probably fine.” I say, dozing off in the back of a van with a bunch of suspiciously dressed strangers.

Mera was giving her Epithet tour speech. It wasn’t just canned, it was downright robotic. I think one of the guard guys even fell asleep on the way to wherever we were headed. Maybe? It was hard to tell with their all black, full mask uniforms.

…I had a good feeling about this.

Waking up in what could charitably be called a box with a bed was a bit off putting. I’m so used to my own bed that it was a little freaky waking up somewhere so quiet. The walls were all a dull gray, devoid of detail. There was a small nightstand next the the hard bed, a small separated bathroom, and a door, presumably leading out into the rest of the evil lair.

My clothes were gonna need a wash tomorrow. Hopefully they know how to wash my hoodie without ruining it.

I may as well figure out where I am. Unfortunately, there’s no window in here, so I guess I’ll have to leave…and talk to a complete stranger. Ask a stranger for help?

…Oh no.

No. It’s fine. I can do this. Naven said that asking for help is a cornerstone of healthy communication, and that people can be more understanding than you think! I mean, it can’t be that hard.

…but I don’t know what’s outside the room! It could be more of those scary guards, or an even scarier boss-guard! What if they want to put me through tests or something? I mean, outside this door, is a near infinite number of unknowns. This place managed to let Canada escape Australia. It must be a death world!

Welp, may as well sit down and accept my fate.

I sat on the mattress with a slight squeak as the springs made a loud noise. No one heard that no one heard-

*Knock Knock Knock*

“Are you awake? Can I come in?” A woman’s voice sounded out.

I didn’t initiate the conversation! I can do this!

“…sure?”

The door opened and a short woman, about five feet tall, walked in. She was wearing the all-black goon uniform, but her head was uncovered. She had short black hair in a bun with two little strands framing her face. She had on a big bright smile that a teacher would use when a kid who wasn’t good at math gave the correct answer for once.

“I’m Mel. I’m with the PRT. If you want, I could guide you to the cafeteria for breakfast.” She offered.

“Oh, uh, that sounds great. Now that you mention it, I’m pretty hungry. S-sorry, where are we?”

“We’re at the Rig. It’s a repurposed oil rig for the Protectorate base. Uses a lot of cool technology too.”

“Cool technology?”

“Cool technology. We’ve got a force-field, missile pods, and a hard-light bridge that can be turned on and off to stop people from getting here when we don’t want them to.”

Or off the Rig, I filled in.

“Oh, so no running away from the evil fortress then, gotcha.”

She let out a laugh.

“Kid, what can I call you?”

“Um, Molly’s fine.”

“Well, Molly, the Protectorate are the local heroes, not villains.”

“…then what’s with the completely evil all black military uniforms?”

“Safety, mostly. Let’s walk, Molly.” We started down the relatively utilitarian hallway and past a few other PRT officers. “It’s uh, you ever heard of SWAT?”

“…No?” Is this trick question? I’m not great at trick questions.

“Shoot, right, you wouldn’t know. It’s uh, military safety people. Our early outfits are based on their look, and it kind of stuck. I forgot for a second that you weren’t from Bet.”

“How did you know that?” I asked worriedly.

Mel looked directly at the stars on my head for several seconds.

“No reason. Also they briefed me on it. You’ve got powers yeah?”

“…you can’t tell?”

“Should I be able to? Are the stars like, an indicator or something?”

“No, they’re from my Dad’s side. You can usually tell if someone has an Epithet by looking at them.”

“Oh. That’s uh, mostly not a thing with powers here. So what can you do?”

This was nicer than I thought. Maybe she was just distracting me with pleasantries while her bosses decided whether I should be thrown in the dungeon or not, but at least she was being nice about it.

“W-well, My Epithet is Dumb. So I can do stuff like make complicated stuff simple, dumb down pain or loud noises, and make people dumber.”

Should I be telling her this? Not really. I guess I was hoping she would tell her bosses about how useless I was and then maybe they’d let me go! That’s what evil organizations do, right? I mean, they also throw useless minions into the shark tank. Maybe I should be projecting more confidence than I really have.

“Wait, like, permanently dumber?”

“Well, no, it’s temporary.” Oh no! I don’t want to disappoint someone I’ve barely met! I’d rather be chummy than be chum-y!

“H-here, let me show you!”

In timeline A, I was sitting in my underground lair, receiving word from my mercenaries about the camera footage they managed to steal from the jewelry store. Normally, I wouldn’t be able to catch onto things this fast, but being able to run one timeline where I slept and another where I didn’t allowed me to never truly be caught off guard. In timeline B I was walking through the halls at the Rig. I had been invited to attend meeting with potential outworlders, and not the Aleph kind of outworlders, either.

Not only this, but apparently, they possess different powers.

Normally, this would be little cause for concern. Parahumans appear within Brockton Bay with startling frequency. As the future ruler of the city, I make a concerted effort to track parahuman development in the city as a means of finding future assets. Trainwreck and Circus, not to mention the Undersiders, are all on my payroll as a result of this extensive research. Whilst other gangs posture and play for territorial grabs, acting through patsies and only defending my already present territory puts me in a great position to take advantage of their infighting.

Naturally, to progress to my endgame, things will have to escalate.

As such, a group of six, four of whom have powers, is simply too much of an asset to ignore. They are unfamiliar with this world, which would make their perspectives easy to manipulate. They lack I.D., any material assets not already on their person, connections, and knowledge. Naturally, the Protectorate and PRT are best equipped to help them, and while I will eventually control the PRT, I do not yet.

It is imperative that I get the measure of these individuals. Should they prove manipulable like my pet Tattletale, or desperate like the rest of the Undersiders, then they will be a simple matter to collect data on. It will be but a trifle to whisper the right words in Piggot’s paranoid ears to put them into a worse position, perhaps threaten them with jail time for their role in the Jewelry Store. Piggot is rather fond of the hard sell, so perhaps upping the tension between them will work.

If not, I can limit their freedom in the PRT or Protectorate by advocating for increased surveillance, or use some of my plants to push harsher restrictions. They will either fall in line, or suffer the consequences.

In timeline A, I’m outlining notes and monitoring other news in the city. It’s never good to be caught off guard, after all.

In timeline B, I’m looking for my first ‘enhanced interrogation’ target, when I spot her. The small child of the group, with her homely outfit and hair that would make Accord have an aneurysm. Admittedly a low bar to clear with the man, but still. A PRT agent, not one of mine, is leading her somewhere. I walk up to her, preparing to throttle her, screaming in her face to get the information. Agent Mel is kind, but tends to be the most shocked when a complete stranger walks up and starts threatening her. Time to see how she responds to the attack…

“…-e show you!”

A green glowing hand softly pats me on the side.

…what was that?

“Excuse me young miss, what was that?”

“Oh- uh, I promise it worked! It usually has a smaller effect on people with higher proficiency.”

Her power has a sliding scale of usefulness? This demands further investigation. I drop my base timeline and split again. In timeline A, I smile and say “Well, thank you for the vote of confidence, young lady.” In timeline B I smile and say “You know, using a parahuman power on someone without their consent is a crime, young lady.”

In the first, the girl flusters. “N-no, I mean, I guess?”

“Well, what exactly were you trying to do?” I asked her.

In the second, the girl panics. “I-I didn’t know!”

Agent Mel merely laughs. “Don’t worry, you didn’t know, and it didn’t even seem to work. And here I was getting excited to see Mr. Smarty-pants over here finally stoop down to the rest of our level.”

Stoop down to the rest of our level? What is that supposed to mean?

In timeline A. “Oh-oh, I was gonna make you dumber and then tell you to do something you wouldn’t normally do but I just remembered that I don’t know anything about you so how would I know whether to-” The child’s rant continues much like this.

A master effect? That could be very good to have.

In timeline B. “Oh, please. I’m at least glad it doesn’t seem to have worked. Could you come with me by the way? The director asked me to take you to her office first thing in the morning.”

I needed to get a handle on what her power did, exactly. If she were to go missing, it would hurt the PRT’s image and Piggot by extension.

Mel raised a brow. “Before she’s even eaten? It can’t be that important that it can’t wait, can it?”

“I’m afraid it’s of the upmost importance. Don’t worry, it shouldn’t take too long.”

“Oh, so you’re gonna throw me in the shark tank so soon, huh? Well, tell the boss it was nice knowing him.”

H-how does she know about the shark tank!? Does she have a thinker component to her master effect? Mind reading of people she’s touched, perhaps? She mentioned making me dumber, did that make her smarter? Is she like Victor, except she steals knowledge and memories? She must be subsumed or eliminated immediately…except I dropped my safe timeline for this. Why did I do that? It’s unlike me…unless I’m still currently mastered! She says it didn’t work, but she’s merely hiding her true potential! I must eliminate her before I can become a pawn in this child’s petty schemes!

I run timeline B and split again. In timeline A, I simply laugh politely. “Why, of course not. This is the Rig, after all, why bother with a shark tank when we can simply drop you into the bay?” This gets a laugh out of Mel and a forced laugh out of Molly.

In timeline B, I immediately rush forwards and wrap my hands tightly around her neck and squeeze as tightly as I can. Interestingly enough, her master effect didn’t prevent me from attacking her. As she weakly chokes, her eyes wide and panicked, she begins to glow a dull green. Her aura is acting as her defense, but it doesn’t seem to do anything, she is still choking in my grip. It seems I am somehow resistant to her master effect since I feel no remorse or compulsion to free her. It must be my thinker power. I feel a gun but slam into the side of my head as my vision goes black, but that’s fine, I got the information I needed.

I split again. In timeline A, I decide to keep up the humor. “Well, no. I keep my shark tank at my secret base, so you have nothing to worry about. Now come on.”

“W-will I be the only one there?”

In timeline B, I pull my gun and shoot Mel in the face. Or, at least, I try to. As soon as I pull the trigger I see the bullet impact her head…only to see it barely leave a scratch. She barely even budges, eyes wide, before she pulls her gun and shoots me back, causing the timeline to collapse.

What just happened? Can this girl’s power grant resilience? Teacher and Bastard Son both provide benefits that come with master effects. Perhaps that is how it works. I decide to experiment, splitting the timelines again.

In timeline A, the conversation continues.

“Yes, just the two of us. Will that be an issue?”

“U-uhm, I don’t know. Don’t take this the wrong way, but you look like a movie villain.”

In timeline B, I pull out my gun and shoot myself in the temple. Immediately the timeline goes black.

I see the game you’re playing, little master. Threatening me, are you? Already playing favorites with your new minions, are you? I decide to do a little stress relief, splitting the timelines again.

In timeline A, I let out a short laugh, before continuing. “I am wounded, young lady. I’m not even in my supervillain getup right now!”

Mel looks at me with a smile on her lips slowly thinning. Kind but foolish, so they say.

In timeline B I draw my pistol as fast as I can and shoot the child in the face. She immediately screams…screams? She’s alive? I don’t have much more time to collect information before the timeline goes black again. It seems I’ll have to try again.

Timeline A continues as normal.

“Weren’t you taking her to the director’s office?”

“Yes, that’s what I said.”

“But you said it would just be the two of you.”

“Just the two of us on the way to her office is what I meant.” I say, sweating a little.

In timeline B, I step behind the girl before pulling the trigger at the back of her head, directly. She falls forward onto the floor in a yelp. A yelp?! Am I incapable of hurting her directly? The timeline goes black again as I get shot.

I see now, she has a master power which prevents people from directly hurting her. This is the only possible explanation. It clearly doesn’t influence thought…but wait, it still clearly hurt her. Does it only prevent severe damage? A comparison is clearly in order. I split again.

In timeline A, Mel frowns. “Calvert, I’m taking her to breakfast. You can tell that jerk Piggot that if she wants to see her, she can wait until the group meeting.”

In timeline B, I throw a punch at the girl’s face. My fist connects, but the girl barely moves. She jerks back in surprise before Mel screams at me and tackles me to the floor, calling for backup on the receiver. I drop the timeline and split again.

This is unacceptable. I need to get her away and alone in order to get rid of her!

In timeline A, I smile. “I’m sorry you feel that way, but orders are orders. Now, hand over the girl, agent Mel.”

In timeline B, I unsheathe a knife on my belt and try to slit the girl’s throat, only for the knife to slide harmlessly across her neck. The timeline drops.

I split timelines again. This is bad. I’ve already been mastered; I can’t let this girl get away!

In timeline A, I snatch the girl in my arms and make a break for it. The girl yells out in a loud voice. “Um! Help! Stranger Danger! Like, very literally Stranger Danger! Like in those old VHS tapes!” I run around the corner…directly into two other outworlders, in their yellow jumpsuits.

“H-help! This guy’s trying to put me in a shark tank!”

The two immediately pull out yellow guns and start to shoot me. Each impact hurts but doesn’t break the skin, but the pain causes me to drop the girl and she scrambles away.

They have tinkertech! I’m not getting away by running I suppose. I’ll have to bide my time for a proper chance to strike, perhaps slip a hitman into the building at night to do the deed. I fight back, but by then Mel catches up and drops a confoam grenade at my feet, encasing my entire body in foam.

In my other timeline. Mel looks at me suspiciously before pulling her confoam launcher at me.

“W-wait, I can explain! I wasn’t planning on killing her!”

“Killing her?!?!” “Killing me?!” the two exclain at once. I have just enough time to see the confoam grenade hit me in the face before my vision erupts in foam. I managed to step out of the way, but the foam forms a wall in my vision.

Fine then, I can salvage this. I split the timelines again. In timeline A, I’m stuck.

…I’m stuck.

I’m stuck?

In timeline B I’m also stuck.

But the grenade didn’t encompass me. I should be free to move!

“Are you okay?” I hear a woman’s voice ask.

“Y-yeah, he didn’t get very far. Thanks guys.”

“You’re welcome.” “It’s cool! I’ve always wanted to stop a kidnapper!”

…I split the wrong timeline. How did I make such a stupid-

…Stupid. She made me stupid! Thinking back my judgement has been affected from the start!

Why did I not even entertain the possibility that a mastered individual could simply hire an assassin to murder the child and get around her master effect? What have I been thinking this entire time? She played me like a fiddle as soon as she knew who I was. She was taunting me, manipulating me.

I was caught. In one simple slip-up, my entire master plan has been ruined!

What did I do to deserve this?

That was scary. It was just like the VHS tapes said it happened, except without the vans or the promise of toys. Candy can’t tempt me.

Was I thinking tangentially to try and distract myself from the guy who tried to kidnap me?

Yeah…

“Oh Jesus, Molly, are you alright?” Mel said, pulling me into a soft hug.

…when was the last time I’ve been hugged? I guess the boss at the museum, but like, before that. It’s been a while, huh. Maybe that’s why it feels so warm.

“I’m- I’m okay.”

“Dude, no you’re not.” Car Crash said. “I’ve been in a lot of car accidents, and they are always scary, kidnappers are like, way scarier!”

“I dunno, I guess I just expected something like this to happen at some point.”

“That’s not a healthy way to be thinking.” Spike said. “Tell you what, you get to sit with us at the cool kid’s table today.”

“Only today? I thought I was the number one minion.”

“Every day, but like, you get to be extra cool today.” Spike said in the way you would when hyping up the youngest kid in the room. “You can even have Car Crash’s muffin.”

“…okay I guess she can…”

“See. You stopped shaking.” Mel said.

Huh. I guess I was shaking. She held me in a little tighter as more PRT guards filed into the hall.

“Thanks, you guys. You too Mel. I just wish I knew what my future was going to look like…preferably with less kidnapping.”

“You’ll be safe.” Mel whispered. “We’ll make sure of that.”

You know, maybe I shouldn’t be thinking that my dad leaving me behind at the museum was the best thing to happen to me in a while, but I couldn’t deny the feeling. I’ve met so many cool and nice people.

What did I do to deserve this?

Chapter Text

Emily Piggot hated this city.

Oh sure, she was in charge of protecting it and worked her ass off for it, but this city could suck her ass for all the bullshit it put her through.

Like the past twenty-four hours. Admittedly, it was just another night winding down, doing paperwork, managing the affairs of the Bay’s heroes. Then the report came in of the explosion. Emily figured that this was fine. It was probably just one of the local villains causing a fuss. Just leave it to the Protectorate to handle and the report will be on my desk come morning.

So, Emily goes home. Just because Brockton Bay doesn’t sleep doesn’t mean she doesn’t. Not that she gets much sleep anyways. Emily will deal with it in the morning.

Emily wants to go back in time and slap Emily upside the head for her naiveite. This is Brockton Bay. Of course, nothing could be that simple. Emily comes in before the sun comes up and finds herself ushered into a video call with fucking Costa-Brown. Emily had woken up about thirty minutes prior. Emily had no idea why the Chief Director was calling.

Emily remembered that this was Brockton fucking Bay. Emily just sighed internally before just…accepting her fate. Her fate, apparently being, that she was now responsible for figuring out what to do with extradimensional refugees. Not Aleph refugees, oh no, that would be within the acceptable range of bullshit, they were apparently from an alternate world! And about half of them had powers! And if Assault’s report was to be believed, they were extremely distinct and couldn’t hold down a secret identity to save their lives!

Emily was glad she always carried Aspirin with her at all times.

Costa-Brown has told Emily to get them on side, provide resources for them to get used to living here, and don’t let them get into trouble. They were going to send down analysts and get thinkers to have a go at figuring out their powers. They wanted to do it amicably. Emily did not do amicably. Emily just grit her teeth like a constipated crocodile and said she’d do it.

This was fine. Emily just had to set up a meeting, make some calls and check some things while the guests ate breakfast, and everything would turn out fine.

Emily should have remembered. Emily lived in Brockton fucking Bay.

Emily was making calls and delegating work to Deputy Director Renick and her staff when a PRT Officer ran in and said that Calvert tried to kidnap the only child member of the otherworlders. Emily spat out her coffee. Emily could not believe this bullshit!

The idea that Calvert would do something like that didn’t surprise her as much as it should, to be honest, but holy shit, what a fucking disaster. Emily always knew he was a lanky line-towing loser who constantly played devil’s advocate, but attempting to kidnap a small child in the direct middle of the PRT? What in God’s name was the man thinking. Is he right in the head? Emily had never seen such bullshit before. Now her job for getting the outworlders settled an on-side was going to be such a pain in the ass.

Well fine. Emily can work with this. Emily put in a call for Panacea to look at everyone affected as a sign of good will she definitely didn’t have but had to affect anyways. Emily immediately delegated the task to Renick since Emily did not want to have to be on the phone with Brandish for any amount of time. At least Calvert is stuck in a giant glob of foam for his fucking foible. Emily never liked the man, given the constant air of superiority wafting off the man like a particularly pungent perfume. The man probably actually wore some stupid high-end gel like a fucking asshole.

Emily walked down the hall to the meeting room ahead of time. Renick was going to be late, but at least Armsmaster, robot of a man that he is, was here on time alongside Miss Militia, Aegis, and Dragon on a monitor at the back. Costa Brown couldn’t be bothered to cast in, so she requested Dragon to help. No one could write minutes and summarize as well as Dragon, and we weren’t due for any Endbringer attacks any time soon, so Dragon was nice to have here. She kept Armsmaster from fumbling over himself like a socially awkward nerd. Miss Militia was a nice moderating presence, and Aegis kind of had to be here since part of the proposal involved a potential new ward.

Armsmaster was at his seat at the right of the head of the table talking to his Canadian E-Girlfriend about the latest technobabble, Miss Militia and Aegis were to her to the left of Emily’s center seat, making idle conversation until they noticed her walk in.

“Good morning director.” Militia said, the crinkle of her eyes suggesting a smile hidden underneath her bandana.

“Yes. Good. That’s one word for it. You’ve all read the packets we distributed?”

“Of course, director.” Aegis replied. “Is it true? Are we really dealing with people from another world?”

“Costa Brown certainly thinks so, and WEDGDG certainly agrees. Also, you’ve seen the pictures, no doubt. The man with the sharp teeth is one thing, but the unnatural hair colors and additions are, to the best they can image, entirely biological. We’ll have Panacea check the child using the attack as pretext, just to be extra sure-”

“Attack?” Milita said, worry flickering in her eyes.

“Ah, yes. That. Just fifteen minutes ago, Thomas Calvert tried to kidnap the youngest of the outworlders.”

Emily did not think outworlders rolled off the tongue, but no director ever thought they would be the ones who had to deal with interdimensional refugees. Brockton fucking Bay everyone.

“…why?” Aegis said, rightfully confused.

“I have no fucking idea. I’ve put in a request for Watchdog to look into his reasons, but their priority right now is the otherworlders themselves. I’m sure they’ll get to it quite quick since it’s directly related, but it’s only been about a few minutes since I finished that request. Let’s just say that we will be making another sweep of the PRT to vet for amoral child kidnappers in our ranks.”

“Calvert?” Miltia questioned. “Don’t you know him from Elisburg?”

“I do.” Emily replied coldly.

“Does this surprise you?”

“No.”

…

“Alright.” Militia said, as though that just settled things. “What do we know about them and where they come from?”

“I can answer that.” Dragon’s abnormally normal voice said, snapping Armsmaster out of his tinker fueled mania wherein he was probably thinking about micronizing an eggbeater or something. Emily doesn’t know what he gets up to in his math-cave.

“They say that they come from Sweet Jazz City. They were all involved in a museum heist for some kind of artifact that they claim is magical. One is a Police Officer, four are various thieves, and the child fell asleep in the museum and was left behind by her field trip. Four of them have powers of some variety, though we don’t know whether they are Parahuman, exactly.”

“We don’t?” Armsmaster asked, now that his quite obvious crush was doing the talking. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means their powers operate on a different system. Their world, if they are to be believed, has a much higher percentage of people with powers than our own does, by quite a large margin as well.”

“We’re taking their word on this. How do we know they haven’t lied.” Aegis pointed out.

“That’s part of what we’re here to decide. We’re going to get them lodgings and basic income while we hammer out the details. Any of them willing we’ll try to onboard, anyone not we’ll still keep here just to help, anyone hostile will have to be subdued, but that’s a last option only” Emily said.

“Confirmed or suggested powers for the child include reduction of intelligence, softening blows, creating a quiet zone around her based on observable evidence, testimony, and recordings. The man with the shark teeth can generate and launch red liquid that is still being tested in the labs. The purple haired woman can essentially do what Kaiser does but with glass. Lastly, the police officer can create small buildings with esoteric effects, such as lighting blasts. Think of them like turrets. They each referred to their powers as their Epithets. The other two otherworlders did not have powers.”

“Thank you, for telling us the information that was on the packets we already read, Dragon.” Emily said like she was attempting to grind her teeth to dust.

“But Director, I don’t believe you’ve read that part. You had someone else put together the packet, then got wrapped up in the Calvert situation.”

Emily, much to her surprise, realized that no, she did not actually read the packet. She reaffirmed to herself that she should check her frustration and throw the blame at Calvert. What a fuck he is.

“That’s…thank you, Dragon.” Emily sighed. “Well, that’s what we’re dealing with, people. Just, try to keep things cordial. We don’t need any more villains in the Bay, and the odds of us fucking this up are pretty low.” ‘as long as Mr. Social Interaction Matrix to her right remains thoroughly whipped by his Canadian long distance babysitter’ Emily did not voice out loud, but meant deep in her heart.

Emily thought a traitorous thought. Emily thought to herself: ‘it couldn’t possibly get any more ridiculous today’.

Emily lives in Brockton fucking Bay.

That Piggot lady really looks like she wants to die. I guess it makes sense, I mean, the boss is-

“You want me. ME to be a hero?! I am a dangerous criminal! An infamous thief! I would never work for the government!”

…being a little difficult. I mean, I don’t know how much I like the idea of being a ‘hero’, but we do need money to live, and they kind of are the best people to go about getting the paperwork filled out. What if their tax forms are more primitive or something? I think it makes sense, but Giovanni is being himself and the others aren’t really helping his case.

“Indeed.” Percy said to my left. “This vile criminal broke into the Sweet Jazz Museum and attempted to abscond with a precious exhibit!”

“Yeah! The boss man isn’t some stooge!” Spike shouted.

“I assure you. I have heard about his criminal escapades.” The woman said, looking like she wanted to manifest eyebeams and incinerate Giovanni on the spot. “However, you know nothing about the gangs of our world, and I can tell you, you wouldn’t like them.”

“Oh yeah? Then you can tell me which of the gangs is the coolest, and I can be on my way with my minions!”

“Alright. Fine. If you are so dead set on being a criminal, then we’ll tell you all about the gangs. Armsmaster, Miss Militia, if you would?”

The guy in the robot armor and the pretty lady with the colorful bandana nodded. “Dragon, if you would pull up the ABB capes?” The man said to the woman on the TV screen mounted on the wall. She obliged, and two guys showed up. One guy in a snarling metal lizard mask without a shirt on, and another guy covered in a scary red mask.

“This is the ABB. They operate in drug trade, protection rackets, and-“ Dragon’s face comes back overlaid on the monitor with a pointed glare at Armsmaster, like a mother telling their kid that they definitely shouldn’t finish that sentence. “…other heinous acts inappropriate for polite company. They would reject you because you aren’t Asian.”

“What’s Asian?” Giovanni asks. “You mean like the food? Why is it even called Asian food anyway?”

“…moving on.” The lady said. “Next is E88. They’re racist and they hurt dogs.”

It was a lot less descriptive than what the Armsmaster said, but good people don’t hurt dogs. Though uh, that was a lot of photos.

“Why are there so many more of them than the last gang?” Mera points out.

“They are backed by an overseas group that wants to use them as a staging ground to get into our country. They also get support from similar groups of likeminded extremists around the country. We’re also not sure they would even accept you to begin with. You aren’t, technically speaking, white, but they might just pretend most of you are if it gets you on side. You’re actually somewhat purple Ms. Salamin.” Militia says.

“Don’t call me Ms.” Mera grumbles. “It makes me feel old.”

“Ew!” Giovanni says. “They hurt innocent animals AND they’re ideologically inconsistent? L A M E! Next!”

The slide shifts again, to another three photos. Some guy with bad teeth, a woman dressed like she’s from desert country, and some guy covered in trash.

“These are the Merchants. They peddle hard drugs to get people addicted and repeat customers, even to minors.”

Giovanni hums and haws. “I dunno…they seem unsanitary. And what was that about miners? I thought this was a port city or something?”

“Minors. As in children.”

“Next!” Giovanni shouts like a judge on one of those talent shows, and furiously shaking his arm in a thumbs down motion.

“Those are the big three.” Piggot sighs. “After that, it’s smaller gangs.”

The slide changes again, and there’s some guy in a black body suit with a white snake on it.

“Coil is small time, hires mercenaries and isn’t known to work with capes. He wouldn’t take you.”

The slide changes again. This time there’s two guys in overalls, one red and one green. They are wrapped around each other like cell phone chargers you left in your hoodie a little too long and staring into each other’s eyes. It’s a little uncomfortable, actually.

“Uber and Leet are a lovely couple who make extreme inconveniences of themselves. They are very exclusive, though, and prefer to keep it in the family.”

The slide changes again. Three ladies in masks and two guys who look like movie monsters.

“Faultline’s crew are mercenaries. They only work for money, and never in Brockton Bay.”

“Hmmm…minions, what do you think? They look pretty cool to me.”

Car Crash, who has been pretty quiet the whole time, shyly raises his hand like he is a school kid. “Um, how do they get around?”

“By car. Why?” The computer woman asks.

“…no reason.” He says as he sheepishly gives the boss a tentative ‘I’m not sure about this’ expression.

“I’ll think about it.” Giovanni decides. “Any others?”

The slides shift again, showing a scowling woman, a smiling blond, a guy in a theater mask and a guy in skull-biker gear.

“The Undersiders do corporate espionage and theft. They’re escape artists more than anything-”

Giovanni’s eyes are sparkling. Oh no. I have to say something!

“B-boss?”

“What is it Beartrap?”

“I’m uh, just thinking that if we all join the heroes, we’ll get a chance to meet all the villains anyways. You can, uh… always... defect later?”

That was a stupid argument. I just didn’t want to admit that I didn’t want him running off to be a criminal and me having to maybe fight him. He’s a nice guy and I don’t want to see him go to jail…

“M-more importantly! We uh, just got here, so I mean, shouldn’t we stick together?”

“Molly’s right.” Mera says. “Running off on your own is pretty stupid.”

“It’s also worth noting.” Dragon says. “That the gang only consists of people with powers.”

“Arrghh! Aw come on! We were so close to greatness! You’re telling me they’re lexists!? Why are none of the gangs in this city cool?!”

“Gangs are never cool.” Percy very helpfully states.

“Psshhh! The Bonzai Blasters are way cool!”

“I dunno boss. They have a membership fee and it’s pretty steep. I probably won’t be able to afford to join. How can a gang be cool if they gatekeep the kind of economically unfortunate people who make up the backbone of most gangs?”

Giovanni looks genuinely heartbroken by this explanation, as though he hadn’t even thought of it.

“Wait.” Aegis says, incredulous. “You pay money to be a part of a gang?”

“Of course!” Giovanni says looking like someone asked him what 2+2 is, while Aegis looks like someone just told him toothpaste was definitely made of teeth.

“Pardon me, but what does ‘lexist’ mean?” Dragon asked.

“Oh, uh, Lexism is when people think that Inscribed are better than Mundies. It’s a discrimination thing.”

It’s a good thing I watched all those videos about proper business practices. I got a really good grade on that assignment and almost made Feenie jealous. Almost. Feenie only ever gets 100s on her work.

Now I miss my friends. If only Phoenica and Trixie were here…

Percy and Giovanni are arguing about heroism, and everyone else is throwing in their two cents, but… I miss my friends. I can’t help but wonder what they might be thinking. It’s been a day and I’ve gone missing and all. At least me not being around means they won’t have to spend so much time going out of their way to help me. I’ll…miss them. I’ve been trying not to think about it, but this kind of sucks. There’s so many criminals here too, and none of them seem as nice as the Boss.

I’ve met some nice people, but that’s a lot of criminals. I feel good enough about how things are going to let the adults handle it. Apparently they want Mera and Percy in something called the ‘Protectorate?’ Wow, that’s about the most evil sounding name a big organization could have, but boss did say I was a criminal…or did he say I was a bad guy? If I was a criminal, then I wouldn’t be able to be a part of the Protectorate, but if I was a bad guy instead, then I could. I mean, Indus is a criminal, but not a bad guy, right? I don’t really know how crime works come to think of it.

I wonder if Indus would know?

“…and they lived happily ever after. The End.” Syvlie intoned with a voice trying very hard to sound professional and not have a voice crack.

“Amazing! The little lamb is so inspiring in its resilience! I must take its courage to heart if I am ever to be reunited with my lady!”

Sylvie had been telling stories to Indus to pass the time. He couldn’t remember his own Epithet, but no one could forget Indus’s, so he had also been talking about things he learned in college to try and teach Indus how to better use his Epithet. He learned very quickly, however, that while Indus is smart enough to learn, he is the most enthusiastic about stories when it comes to learning. Tales of knights and heroes easily held Indus’s interest, and while Sylvie would never admit it, he shamelessly stole stories from video games and cartoons that Indus has doubtlessly never seen before when he needed examples.

The rattling of chains was their first cue that they had new cellmates. Across from Syvlie and Indus in the hall, two tall, older looking teenagers in orange jumpsuits were led into a single cell by two police officers.

“…your bathroom’s over there, bed, mirror, chair. Don’t make too much trouble, and lunch is at the third tone. Enjoy your stay.” The police officer rattled off like he was reading from a script before closing the cell door behind him and awkwardly speedwalking away.

The two men, it was immediately apparent to Indus and Sylvie, were a couple. Their limbs were tangled together like they were one of those 3D puzzles. There was so little space between them that if it was a video game, they would only have one hitbox for both of them. Even mere moments in their presence and Sylvie already felt like he was intruding on something.

“…great. More criminals. Well, what are you in for, I guess?” Sylvie said, trying to avert his eyes. They weren’t making out or anything…yet, in fact, what they were doing was more of a jojo cover pose than anything, but it was still awkward. The more muscular of the two supporting his ganglier partner from behind spoke up.

“We were being, you know, gamers. Doing a little trolling, as it were, when all of a sudden, we were in a museum, and the police were there, and we were in jumpsuits so they arrested us! This is like a bad GTA joke!”

“Look on the bright side.” His companion said. “They let us keep our jumpsuits. The handcuffs aren’t even that unpleasant on the skin. We’ll be out of here before you know it. You’d think the BBPD would have learned after our last escape!”

Indus just blinked. “What is a BBPD?”

The muscular one scoffed. “Brockton Bay Police Department.”

“What’s Brockton Bay? You’re in Sweet Jazz City.”

The two villains blinked simultaneously.

“Wait. Uber, you know what this means, right?”

“What?”

“We totally got isekai’d.”

“Oh my god, babe, we totally did!”

“I knew we were the protagonists! *GASP* Maybe we got reincarnated into a video game~!”

“Dude, that would be awesome! What kind of game?”

“Uh, excuse me.” Sylvie said, a little put out by their sudden enthusiasm. “What the heck are you talking about? This is real life, not some game. And how are you two not put off by being thrown in prison!?”

“We’re famous gamer criminals. We commit crimes based on video games and stream them for our fans. We’ve totally been to jail tons of times. Very experienced.”

“What’s an isekai?” Indus asked unprompted.

“It’s when you die and are transported to another world. If you get isekai’d instead of just dying, that means you’re the hero and you get to be stronger than everyone else!”

Indus opened his mouth to say something (stupid). Sylvie immediately covered his mouth almost on instinct from his cell. He shook his head, and Indus politely nodded, like a good bodyguard should.

“And this is the new world to you people?” Sylvie asked, slowly putting the puzzle pieces together like those dumb boss room keys in Skyward Sword.

“Totally.” The shorter man said. “I invented a Portal gun to we could rob a Jewelry Store, but when we hopped in together, everything exploded. More than normal, anyways; my work tends to explode. And now we’re here!”

“I certainly remember an explosion at the scene before blacking out… wait, Indus! Good news!”

“Good news?! What is this good news you’ve learned, Doctor Ashling?”

“I think I’ve got an idea of what happened to Mera and the others! There were explosions in two places, right? If what these two guys say is true, then they went from their world to this world. What if the missing people just did the reverse? It means that Mera and Molly are safe!”

“Mera is safe! Thank goodness! Not knowing what happened to them has been causing me a great deal of worry! But…how can I protect Mera if she’s there and I’m here…”

“Hey Leet. You said you invented whatever caused this explosion. Is that correct?”

“What about it, kid?” Leet said.

“I’M not the one who made video games my entire personality, but that’s not important. If you’re responsible for the explosion, you could also fix this, right?”

“Nope!” Leet responded, downcast.

“What? Why not?”

“My power lets me make anything…once. After that, my power won’t let me make more.”

“Ugh, so you can’t do it, huh? That’s unfortunate. What about your friend? Can he fix it?”

“I have a name, but I’ll just call myself by my cape name. As Uber, my power won’t help. I can’t invent stuff.”

Drat. Sylvie didn’t want to admit it, but he made his first friend literally yesterday, and knowing they are in an alternate universe with no way home made him feel a little guilty. He tried to internalize some of his therapy, but self-therapy is notoriously untenable. It’s not his fault, but still, it’s his duty as a friend to do something to try to help, right? N-not that Sylvie cares overmuch what Molly thinks of him! He’s strong and independent and mature! It would, uh, just be a shame if she was disappointed in him. Surely she would think he was the bee’s knees if he pulled off a rescue or something? Sylvie always wanted to be the cool friend of the group.

“So if you can only make something once, how about making a new device that can do the same thing?”

“No can do. My power doesn’t like me retreading old ground.”

“I mean, I know some advanced magical physics. Maybe there’s an alternative…”

“I wouldn’t bet on it!” Uber said, clutching Leet to his chest like a protective mama bear. “It’s dangerous for him to build something with too close a concept. Once, we tried to make a bunch of Mega Mushrooms and Poison Mushrooms for a Mario Party stream, but after the first Mushroom, the rest took longer and longer to make, and then exploded into clouds of deadly spores with increasing severity. That’s why we stick to one offs as much as we can, rather than consumables unless they’re batch make. Even then, we can’t make many more mushroom adjacent items without risking spore bombs. We tried making some Puffstools for the Pikmin stream, but they got destroyed. Even the Bulborb-bots we made ended up being unstable!”

“I…understood half of those words.”

Indus chose this moment to speak up. “Sir Uber and Sir Leet. I believe what Sylvie is asking is for you to tell him all about video games from your home world!”

Like predators, Uber and Leet’s eyes locked onto Sylvie like a cat circling a caught mouse. Why, Sylvie asked fate, has he been meeting so many weirdos lately.

Sylvie would soon learn what it was like to experience someone talking about Dwarf Fortress like it makes any sense was like.

…for over 12 hours…

 Ms. Militia, Aegis, Giovanni, and I were heading down some kind of elevator. Mera and Percy decided to sign on with the Protectorate temporarily since Percy wants to uphold justice, and Mera I’m pretty sure because she’s bored. I don’t really know why, to be honest.

Meanwhile me and Giovanni will be joining the junior version, the Wards that Aegis apparently leads. Giovanni isn’t technically young enough, he’s nineteen, but he wanted to help me out. I believe his exact words were ‘It’s not like we have IDs! You’re a big evil government team, right? Just lie and let me be a Ward for awhile so she’s not alone!’

The boss is so cool.

“So, you two.” Aegis began. “I know you’re not from Earth Bet, but I’m honestly charmed to meet you.”

“Oh, uh, the pleasure’s all mine?” I said, not really feeling fully behind it.

“It’s okay to be nervous.” Ms. Militia said, seeming to smile if her eyes were any indication. “This is all very unorthodox from our side as well. If you’re worried about being out in public too much, you’ll be getting extra time to account for all the cultural dissonance you and your compatriots will have to deal with. That and the temporary foster situation.”

Right. Everyone else is a legal adult except for me. Giovanni will legally be a bit younger to justify his being in the Wards, officially, but since they don’t know if he’ll be sticking around they are letting him live with his minions, who insisted that everything be in the Boss’s name. Spike and Car Crash will be doing some job shadowing at the PRT I think. It’s a shame that this world won’t let mundies be superheroes, but they’re still being very accommodating for an evil government group.

I’m…not sure how I feel about having a temporary parent. What if they’re like dad? What if I end up liking my new parent more than dad? He’s my dad, so I should love him more, right? The fact that I’m having this thought process before I’ve even met my foster parent is kind of depressing…

“I mean, I’m just worried. It’s kind of a stressful situation.”

“It’s perfectly fine, Molly.” Aegis said “I assure you that the Wards won’t hate you or anything. Well, except for Shadow Stalker, but she hates everything, so that’s not a fault of your own.”

“You guys have a superhero named Shadow Stalker!?” Giovanni beamed, squeeing like a high school girl. “That. Is. SUCH a cool name! Oh! Do we get to pick our own superhero names!? I’ve got so many ideas!”

We walked out of the elevator as Giovanni talked animatedly about the coolest superhero names. Aegis and Ms Militia mostly seemed amused. I have to admit, his energy is infectious. We walked up to a door and Aegis pressed a button on the side. A light above the door turned red and a quiet alarm could be heard from inside.

“That’s to give the Wards present time to put on their masks. It’s an Earth Bet thing, but secret identities are extremely important, as I’m sure the Director impressed on you. Basically, never unmask someone and you shouldn’t have to worry.”

The whole thing about masks was confusing to me, but I guess it’s a culture thing. After a little bit the light above the switch turned from red to green, and the door opened up. The space looked very lived in. An empty pizza box was set on the coffee table in front of a large couch. There was a huge monitor on the opposite side and two hallways leading off further into the little living space.

Sitting on the couch was a guy in a full body white costume with clocks on it and a girl my age in line green with a cool visor and cape. Standing behind the couch was the third person in a really dark outfit with a crossbow and a stark white mask. She was leaning against the wall with her arms crossed.

Aegis and Ms. Militia walked in ahead of us. “Wards. I know today has been a busy day, but we’d like to introduce you to some new teammates. They might not be permanent members of the team depending on how their situation pans out.”

Me and Giovanni walked in, and he decided to handle introductions.

“Greetings fellow villains! Behold your new, glorious leader! Giovanni Potage!”

“…Hi. I’m Molly.”

The guy in the white suit bent over laughing immediately.

“New leader?” The lady in the black cloak asked.

“No, not really, Shadow Stalker. He’s technically too old by about a year and a half for the Wards, but we’ve talked it over with the Director. We want Giovanni in the Wards for now, and no, he won’t be leading.”

“So YOU’RE Shadow Stalker, huh? Cool name! I can really appreciate your obviously villainous antihero vibes! You are obviously the coolest one!”

The clock guy just laughed even harder. I couldn’t see past the mask, but Shadow Stalker just scoffed.

“Oh! OH! The scoff! That’s like, so classic edgy rival behavior! You know, Beartrap, I was worried during that meeting that the Wards wouldn’t be EVIL enough, but she’s already proving to be an exemplary villain!”

Shadow Stalker leaned further into the wall. “You got something to say?” she said with a challenge in her voice.

“Nothing other than you’re cool! OH! We should totally do an Evil Villain Duo! I’ve already been brainstorming new names, I could be like, Lord Lavagoyle! I bring the heat, and you strike from the shadows! AhahAH! it’ll be perfect! I’ll be just as cool IF NOT COOLER than you in due time, Shadow Stalker!”

Shadow Stalker looked criminally offended if her posture was anything to go by. Her body turned to black, inky smoke and she just passed through the wall behind her like it wasn’t even there.

“Oh Man! That is SUCH a cool power! You guys’ PR department sure knows how to make em EVIL, huh?” Giovanni stopped his wild gesticulations like it was no big deal. “So, who are you guys?”

Clock guy was still laughing. It must have been fogging up his faceplate thing. The girl stood up and before I knew it everything I was looking at distorted, like you were watching a TV show through a reflection on a spoon you kept twisting. Before I knew it, the girl was in front of me in under a second.

“I’m Vista! I’m so glad to have another girl on the team! Well, one who isn’t Shadow Stalker anyways. She hates everyone.”

“Everyone?” I asked skeptically.

““””Everyone”””” The four heroes all said simultaneously.

“So, what are your powers?” she asked.

“It’s complicated, but uh, my Epithet lets me dumb things down, like noise or just literally.”

“Can you make people dumber?” Clock guy asked from the couch, having recovered his wits.

“I don’t think she could possibly make you any dumber.” Vista snarked. Clockblocker held his hand to his chest, feigning injury.

“Vista! I am wounded!” He mimed falling down on the couch.

“Oh, uh, the boss can heal that for you! He has a couple minor healing abilities if my memory is right.”

“Oh wow.” Vista said. “That’s pretty rare.”

“Indeed! Behold, the awesome power of-“

Miss Militia cut him off. “Of the thing you shouldn’t use until we get through Power Testing to make sure it’s safe.”

“Oh, sorry.”

“No, it’s fine. Sorry to rain on your parade.”

“Nono, safety’s important.”

“Anyways.” Aegis said, clearing his throat. “Molly and Giovanni are from another Earth, as you’ve been made aware, and their powers work a bit differently. That said, I think today, with Gallant and Kid Win on patrol, we’ll just make ourselves acquainted, watch a movie, make some small talk. That kind of thing.”

“I’m down!” Giovanni said. “Beartrap, are you in?”

Oh no. Now everyone’s looking at me! I can feel the peer pressure pressing in on me.

“Uh, sure, yeah, I guess?”

“Come on! It’ll be fun! This is a completely new world! That means new movies! That means new villains to root for!”

“That’s my queue to leave.” Ms Militia said, warmth in her voice. “Have fun, and let me or a PRT agent know if you’re finding anything difficult or have a question, okay?”

“Okay ma’am.”

She smiled before leaving us with the Wards.

“Oh right, Clock guy, I forgot to ask your name! How rude of me! I should be setting a better example for Beartrap here!”

Clock guy walked up and held out his hand.

“Clockblocker.”

Giovanni twirled his cape around dramatically before reaching out to shake hands.

“GIOVANNI POTA-“

He stopped. He looked like someone in a picture, just holding his hand out while Clockblocker removed his hand from Giovanni’s grip. He took his helmet off and shook off his red hair, holding his hand out to me, smiling.

“Dennis.”

“Oh, uh, no thanks. I have basic pattern recognition.”

“She’s got you there, Clock.” Vista said cheekily. “So, Star Wars, right? First Earth Bet movie ever has to be Star Wars.”

“I like that idea.” Aegis said. “I’ll order a pizza too. What flavors do you like?”

“…Is the boss gonna unfreeze, or...?”

“Yeah, it just takes time. He’ll be out in ten minutes tops.”

“I’m not big on Pizza.” I admitted.

“How about Chinese, then?” Vista suggested.

“I can manage that.”

“Cool. You’ll have to tell us about yourself, Molly. It’s not every day you meet someone from another world!” She said as I took a seat on the couch next to her. “You seem pretty laid back compared to your friend. He seems like a PR nightmare waiting to happen.”

“He’s actually really nice.” I said, defending my boss while he stood there like a glitched out video game character. Aegis was on the phone ordering takeout while Clockblocker pulled up a movie. I don’t know what I expected out of teenage superheroes, but this is already nicer than I thought it would be so far. I smiled despite myself. “I’m sure it won’t be that bad.”

One week later, Glenn Chambers was sitting at his desk, head in his hands, looking down at a lone sheet of paper on his desk. On the paper, drawn in Salmon Pink Crayon, was a crude image of a stick figure with a baseball bat with unevenly proportioned spikes on it, cartoon angry eyebrows, and a cape that was obviously added as an afterthought cutting across various parts of the drawing. The monochrome approximation of hot rod flames licked up the figure’s pauldrons, or maybe they were actually on fire, it was hard to tell. The boots were comically big, with spikes on the bottom, and the other hand held an oversized Magnum that had obviously been copied off the internet since it was plainly better drawn than everything else. Scrawled at the top of the page in terrible handwriting was the name “VINCENT MURDER!!” in all caps, underlined three times for emphasis.

After ten, continuous minutes of doing nothing but staring at the page. Glenn chambers blinked.

“…I’m going on break.”

Chapter Text

In timeline A, I am utterly silent. In timeline B, I am singing ‘Baby Shark’ as loud as I can. The PRT agents in the room with me immediately turn their foam sprayers on me.

My entire torso other than my head being encased in a massive wad of foam might make you think that I have no way to escape, but au contraire, I am simply trying to see which of my agents are within earshot. Each agent has a unique musical cue attached to their designation. Singing these songs out loud is merely a measure of trying to get their attention. They can’t be made aware of my true identity, but knowing who is here will help me plan my escape.

I’ve already sang the theme song to ‘I Love Lucy’, ‘Scooby Doo, Where-Are You?’ and ‘Teen Titans’, yet none of my agents have responded. I tried the theme to ‘Peppa Pig’ as well, but instead of getting foamed, the leftmost agent just shot me in the face with a real-ass gun. I went ahead and mentally discounted singing anything ‘Cocomelon’ after that. The agent is clearly a parent.

What isn’t apparent, however, is why they haven’t taken me out of the foam. Of course, getting mastered into stupidity by that irritating little brat is one thing, but if they let me out, I could more easily escape, shoot the child, and leave so everyone could go on with their day. It’s rude of them to keep me here.

Of course, I wouldn’t be coming back. After all, the Thomas Calvert identity is basically shot. I’d have to go full time as Coil. I would be able to advance my plan of enslaving Tattletale, since clearly having her in the field is doing me no good at this moment. It would hurt my long-term plans, but later is not never.

The door opens. Finally! My prayers, which happen to be to the tune of The Muppet Movie’s Movin’ Right Along, have finally been answered!

Emily Piggot walks into the room flanked by Armsmaster and…and…

Oh god, not her!

Panacea. Amelia Dallon. Her white hooded costume has ended many a timeline on my part. I have had my arm liquified, my entire brain turned into solid bone, I’ve had my skin petrify and hold me in place like I was a Terracotta solider! What’s the point in being a super powered child if I can’t torture or assault them in my spare timelines without consequence!? Worse than the torture of her “healing” ability, is that if she so much as touches me, she knows I’m a parahuman! Even worse than that-!

Panacea lifts her Fugly Flopper in her white sleeved hand up to her mouth, takes an entirely too large bite out of the grease-ridden excuse for a burger, and takes large chewing motions, letting the sauce just dribble on her chin for a moment before using her other sleeve to wipe it off! She stares vacantly into the room like she doesn’t want to be here, and everyone else in the room shares that sentiment. Panacea, the miracle healer, is one of the most acerbic, hateful, and if I’m remembering the word right, downright scrungly people out there.

And to use her power on you, the filthy little thing has to touch you! It is an underestimation to call it a ‘bad touch’. One particularly famous interview quotes: ‘Thanks for curing my cancer, leukemia, and genetic conditions, but uh, never touch me again.’

“Calvert” Emily says. “Now that I’ve made time out of my schedule. What in the fuck were you thinking?!”

Well. I can manage this! I planned out responses in my other timelines while I called my agents, so this should be easy. I split the timelines. In timeline A, I say “That girl with the otherworlders is a human master! She attempted to control and subvert me!” In timeline B, I say “Bringing in Panacea? I thought you hated biotinkers, Emily.”

It’s really a perfect set up! Emily can’t get over her own trauma in the slightest, so the idea that Panacea is a biotinker will rattle her to her core! At the same time, I can learn if she is susceptible to me casting suspicion on the otherworlders. I’ll have my revenge on them for so thoroughly ruining my plans yet! The game begins now!

Before Emily can open her mouth to answer, in both timelines, Panacea venomously sighs.

“I’m not hourly, so I’m just gonna do my thing and leave, ‘kay Piggy? Cool.”

Ignoring everyone in the room, she walks up, puts her filthy, grease ridden hand on my forehead with an unsanitary squelch, and looks at me with her dead fish eyes.

“Do I have your permission to…oh, you’re a parahuman? Isn’t that like, illegal or some shit, to be a parahuman and work for the PRT? Gotta be. Hey uh, Piggot, he’s alright or whatever, got an active gemma, probably a Thinker if the information flow is accurate. Can I go home now?”

In both timelines…bwuh?!

Piggot looks at me with surprise in her eyes that quickly morphs into betrayal.

“Calvert, you’re a fucking villain?!”

“No! Of course not!”

“”Lie”” Armsmaster and Panacea say at the same time.

“Jinx!” Panacea shouts. Armsmaster scowls, handing Panacea a dollar before he returns to his standard constipated washing machine expression. This is outrageous! What was I supposed to do in that situation!? Maybe there’s some other way to salvage this…

“So he’s Coil, right?” Panacea says, pulling a shitty, plastic Fugly Bob’s drink out from inside of her robe and taking a long, long sip from what is almost certainly just melted ice at this point.

“What?!” I shout in both timelines.

“I mean, he’s black, so no Empire or ABB. He has teeth, so he’s not Skidmark. Coil wears a full body suit, and there’s not many other black villains in Brockton he could be because of all the rampant racism. Well, except Grue, but like, look at his spindly ass. Boom. He’s Coil.”

*SIIIIIIIP*

“Yeah, his brain chemicals are telling me he’s panicking. Gotta be Coil. Anyways, I’m going to see that fucking Molly kid or whatever, she’s at power testing, yeah?” Emily nods, wide-eyed.

“Cool.” Panacea throws her empty drink at the garbage can, completely missing and hitting the wall next to it and splattering the whole area in melted ice. Not even caring, she downs the rest of her takeout Fugly Burger unhinging her jaw like a snake to do so, and walks out the door, wiping her greasy hands on her not-so-white-anymore robe.

…fuck.

There’s only one thing left to do. In timeline A I say, “I’m not Coil. Panacea was just lying to get her way.”

“Lie” Armsmaster says immediately. God-damnit!

In timeline B, I sing the first three syllables of ‘Baby Shark’ before Armsmaster hand Piggot a confoam grenade and stuffs it in my mouth. My vision goes foam.

I want to go home…

“…and that’s why Putt -Putt Saves the Zoo is the best game in the franchise!”

*Thunk*

“Amazing!” Indus belts. “This sir Putt-Putt is truly a paragon of honor to help so many with such little expectation of return!”

*Thunk*

“Yeah, it’s a pretty iconic series!” Leet said, smiling. “Anyways, that only took, what, 7 hours? Man, I’ve gotten way faster at this gaming trivia stuff! If you think that’s something special, wait till you hear about Freddie Fish! Or Peggle!”

*Thunk*

“Doctor Ashling?” Indus said, concern in his voice. “While I can respect your attempt at strengthening your body, I am afraid your forehead must be rather raw. After all, you have not stopped slamming it into the wall for the past three hours.”

…*Thunk*

“Sorry. Look. I’m really interested in Putt-Putt or whatever, but do you talk about anything other than video games?!”

“Why talk about anything else?” Uber said. “They rule.”

“Could you at least talk about video games I’ve heard of? Heck, I’d settle for card games. If you had that much trivia handy for Horizontal Pilot Command, it might actually be worth listening to!”

“Doctor Ashling… do you not find Putt-Putt inspiring?”

The sound that emanates from Sylvie’s throat is something between a snarl and a groan. Before Sylvie can go off, however, the door down the hall opens.

“These are the ones. Right this way, little ladies.” A cop says. Coming down the hall led by a police officer are two young girls, about Molly’s age. One with long, White hair, a sheep designer backpack, and a stern expression on her face. Everything about her screams ‘Money’. Her companion is wearing a baggy purple hoodie with pink hair and a hunched posture. Everything about her screams 'Trailer Park'.

The one in white clears her throat.

“Greetings and felicitations, evildoers! My name is Phoenica Fleecity XV, and this is my friend Trixie.”

“Sup.” Trixie says, eyeing all four of them suspiciously.

“I am here…” Phoenica noticeably hypes herself up, taking big, deep breaths before opening her eyes in a blaze of determination. “…to ask. No… Demand information from you!

“No.” Uber says with the bluntness of an overused number 2 pencil.

Phoenica pauses, like all the wind left her sails.

“…pretty please?”

Sylvie decides to step in. “What information do you want?”

Phoenica clears her throat. “Well! I am looking for my dear friend Molly Wolly Doodle All The Way Blyndeff. I am told that you were in the museum where she disappeared. Is this correct?”

“Oh, you’re Molly’s friends too?”

“Yes! B-but Molly would never become friends with a criminal like you!”

“I am NOT a criminal! I’ve been wrongly imprisoned! Besides, she offered…” Sylvie looks to the side, bashful.

Phoenica shared a glance with Trixie. This guy was suspicious, but they knew Molly. Molly was the single best judge of character out of the Neo Trio, and if she’s friends with this guy, then they are inclined to trust her judgement.

“So uh.” Trixie interjects “Pleasantreaties aside, where is she? Cuz I’m just here to find my friend.”

“Ah. Allow me to explain.” Indus says. “Doctor Ashling believes that those two rapscallions-” Indus points to Uber and Leet, who are laying on their cot, arms wrapped around each other. “…may have thrown Molly and the other museum goers into a portal to another world.”

“…what?” Trixie balked. “You expect us to believe-”

“Another world?!” Phoenica chirped like a tweety bird. “This must be fate! No…destiny! Fate-Destiny! Trixie, our friend is caught in another world, tired and alone with a bunch of criminals! This is a job for us Magical Girls!”

She says Magical Girls with an audible ✨

Uber and Leet’s heads snap up like a pair of dogs that just saw a squirrel. The two of them rush to the front of the bars and grip them like wild apes at a zoo who just had peanuts thrown at them.

““Did you just say you were a Magical Girl?!””

Pheonica’s face lit up like a Christmas tree with an angel on top.

“Of course! I come from a long line of Magical Girls. Every one-hundred years, an evil witch known as The Songstress awakens, a witch so powerful she threatens to destroy the world! It is only through the power of Magical Girls that she can be sealed away! Molly was one of my Magical Girls, and now she’s gone! If we are to save this world, we must rescue Molly!”

“Couldn’t you just find new Magical Girls?” Sylvie asked, not because he didn’t want to save Molly, but because saving the world is a whole different thing.

Uber and Leet immediately give Sylvie the stink-eye.

“Um, that wouldn’t be Magical Girl behavior!” Uber shouted.

“Yeah, abandoning your friends is a no-go for Magical Girls! It’ll totally revoke your license!” Leet added, holding Uber even tighter. “Like, dude, have you never seen a Magical Girl show?”

“…no?”

Uber, Leet and Phoenica gaped at Sylvie. Indus looked confusedly at Trixie, who just shook her head.

“You’ve NEVER seen a Magical Girl show?!” Phoenica exclaimed. “Magical Girls always win the day with the powers of love and friendship! It is the way things are!”

“Don’t forget incredible violence!” Leet says.

“Of course!” Phoenica says as the word ‘violence’ just bounces off of her fluffy little head. “And my friend Molly is now stuck in an alternate dimension! If I am to truly embrace my destiny, I need to save her!”

“How gallant and brave!” Indus sheers. “I too must save Lady Mera from her predicament. I beseech you, honorable Magical Girl, that I may come with you so that I may help my lady!”

“M-me too! Molly’s my friend too. I mean, it’s the right thing to do!”

Trixie looks skeptically at the two. “I don’t know… you guys are both criminals… I think we should just-“

“Of course!” Phoenica chirps in a sing-songy way. “You both seem like fine people. I will pay your bail so long as you can join my Molly Rescue Squad! My Sweetie Squad!”

“Waitwaitwait.” Leet interjects. “Is that offer on the table for us too?”

“Leet, we could have escaped at literally any point, we just got distracted talking about the majesty of video games.” Uber chides his not lover.

“That depends!” Phoenica says. “You two are clearly knowledgeable about Magical Girls, but what can you do to help us?”

“That’s easy!” Leet brags. “Not only have I watched every Magical Girl show from my home world, but I’m the only one who could maybe build a way for us to save Molly! It was my invention that caused all this, so it’s our responsibility to fix it!”

Leet doesn’t believe that in the slightest of course; he’s just really enthralled by the idea of Magical Girls. There’s like, no Magical Girl video games on Earth Bet! None! He would never have the chance to dress up as a Magical Girl and be super girly otherwise! This is the chance he’s been waiting for. He can be a real Magical Girl!

“Feenie, I don’t know about-“

“Then it’s decided!” Phoenica declared cheerily. “As of this moment, the four of you are honorary Magical Girls!” She says to the shirtless man and gaggle of teenage boys before her.

“Great!” Uber says, casually opening the door to his cell and picking up Leet like one might carry a sheep over their shoulders, and walking out. Leet does not complain.

“Wait. That cell was unlocked the entire time?! Why the heck did you sit here and talk our ears off about Putt-Putt then?!” Sylvie shouted, outraged.

“Come on dude.” Leet said from over Uber’s shoulder. “My man Indus over here is a great listener, and I love going on tangents about my passions!”

Uber walks over and opens both of their cells as they talk.

“It is true!” Indus says. “Sir Putt-Putt is an excellent example to learn from! As is Hero Link and Donkey Kong who is neither a donkey nor a kong for some reason.”

“Wait, what’s a kong?”

“Not important!” Syvlie says as he walks out of his newly opened cell. “So uh, how exactly are we going to save Molly? Do you have a plan?”

“No!” Phoenica says proudly. “But first, there’s something very important we need to do. It is a vital step in rescuing her!”

Sylvie didn’t know whether to be hopeful or not, but hey, it sure beat sitting in a prison cell.

“Okay… what is this first step.”

“Well! First things first, I must-”

“-ask whether I have permission to heal you. It’s a medical ethics thing, doing it without consent could be considered a violation.” Panacea said in a monotone voice.

All things considered she wasn’t what I expected out of a healer. I mean, sure, her robe was immaculately clean and sterile, and she was pretty kind and genial with me, but she was otherwise a bit…abrasive?

As soon as the four of us got the power-testing lab at the PRT building we were ushered down the hall pretty quick. Since Car Crash and Spike don’t have Epithets, they’re getting classes elsewhere in the building to help them better fit in. We’ll be getting those later too, but it means they will be able to leave PRT approved buildings before us. I mean, I guess we do look pretty distinct, but still.

They have us waiting in different rooms, and I’m up first on power testing, so they’re having this Panacea use her power to check me for injuries.

“I guess so? I mean, I’m not really hurt…”

“Are you sure?” Panacea says. “Well, regardless I’m just here for a checkup on you lot. I’ll hit the others later.”

Panacea reaches out and takes my hand, and immediately her eyebrows scrunch up.

“Oh yeah, weirdo genetics. I mean, the basics are all essentially the same, but I can see obvious points of divergence here and there. Even weirder is the stuff that looks like it was just…inserted? Inserted for lack of a better word, that doesn’t really look like it developed as a means of wholly natural evolution.”

“…and that means?”

“Oh, probably nothing actionable. By the way, your hair star things? Yeah, coded into the DNA. That’s so weird. Same with the button-eye thing. I mean, it’s super cute, but still. Also, get more sleep, eat better. I don’t know what they’ve been feeding you back home, but uh, whatever it is isn’t enough.”

Yeah… when I do the grocery shopping, I don’t have much of a choice but to go for the most economical options. We have to run a tight ship at the Blyndeff Toy Emporium…

Sigh…

“Alright. Sorry to bother you.”

“No big deal!” Panacea said with a smile resting unnaturally on her face. “I got to do my ‘miserable goblin’ schtick and make everyone around me uncomfortable, bag a villain, break multiple ethics codes, make Carol die a little inside with my behavior, and see some fascinating new biology. This has gotta be one of my favorite outings to date.”

“…okay? Good?”

What do you even say to that?

“W-wait. You could see my entire biology? Isn’t that kind of invasive?”

“Multiple ethical violations. Though to be fair that one wasn’t intentional, I just forgot.” Panacea shrugged. “Also, Carol told me to say you can always talk to New Wave, since out of the heroes in the city, we’re the only ones who don’t wear masks. She said only to say that to the smart ones among you, but I’m telling all of them because her suffering is my thriving.”

“Oh… why do they wear masks again?”

“Well, it’s because if villains know who you are they can attack your family.”

“Does that really happen?”

“Yeah. Just ask Aunt Jess.” She said, with a bitter tone to her voice.

“Okay. I will.”

“That was rhetorical. Nazis killed her.”

“Oh my gosh. I’m so sorry.”

“S’fine. Well… it’s not, but we’re used to it.” Amy said, patting me on the back. “Now come on! Get out there and show ‘em what for…or something? I don’t know, my power testing was all about ethics and shit, mostly.”

“Okay. Thanks Panacea.”

“Amy.”

“Thanks Amy.”

Well that was…awkward, but it could have been a lot worse.

After that it was a lot of rigorous and frankly exhausting tests. Not in, like, the physically taxing way, but in the boring way. For the most part, they wanted to get a handle on my abilities. For starters, I couldn’t really use Hushabye at all since there weren’t many summons. Okay, well, there was that one lady with the glowing green gun, and I was able to Hushabye one of the guns when she summoned two pistols, but they said something about not wanting to risk her cool guns without Thinker support. Whatever than meant.

Speaking of Thinkers, they had a Ward I hadn’t met yet, Gallant, come in for a test. I was dumbing down people’s intelligence which people said I really shouldn’t do back home, and used it on a couple of people. Some of them got dumb enough that I was able to give them orders like ‘go buy me a drink from the vending machine’ or ‘cluck like a chicken’ which Assault laughed at a lot for some reason. It was more awkward than funny, and I felt bad about it. Anyway, they brought in Gallant and I Dumbed Down his intelligence, and then they asked him about colors? It all flew over my head, but people were really excited about it for some reason.

Well, apparently Gallant’s ability to see my color was weird even when I wasn’t using my Epithet on him…which duh? I mean, an Epithet glow is pretty distinct. It all sounded like gibberish to me.

The rest of the testing period was mostly filled with me dumbing down attacks, muting sound, and specifically dumbing down increasingly specific stuff.

That’s not to say there weren’t interesting things about the whole thing. I actually learned a lot!

Like, for example, when I dumb something down, I can concentrate on something a lot more specific than someone’s intelligence, though that was the easiest by a long shot. I can dumb down the word use in the complicated book, for example, or the instructions for a recipe. Changing lines of text was actually pretty easy.

Apparently, I can also shape my Epithet Glow too. I didn’t know that was a thing, but I don’t really know what I’d use it for.

My new ability was my favorite part though. Apparently that guy who tried to kidnap plus the however many times we beat up Big Blank was enough for me to get a new ability and some change.

Break it Down is kind of a buffing ability. It sort of does something similar to Dumb it Down, where I simplify something itself, but does it in reverse. Rather than Dumb something down in reality, I dumb something down in your mind. If I use it on someone when they’re looking at spaghetti, they can understand what ingredients went into the dish, or how it was made. When I use Break it Down on someone, they have an easier time understanding stuff, and it’s stronger the more specific it is. So like, if I use Break it Down on someone to help them understand biology, for example, they’ll get more understanding out of it if I focus on marine biology. I can even use it on myself to help make sense of stuff I don’t understand, which kind of feels like cheating in terms of getting used to this whole new world thing, but I’m a criminal, so cheating is fine.

Er…the Wards are like, government criminals, so I at least have to pretend that it’s not. Giovanni said that big government villains make the rules that other villains have to break, but I should at least try to uphold my villain organization’s rules.

Anyways… Break it Down has some downsides. I have to focus on someone to use it, for starters, which means it’s not that good in a fight, and the insights they get into stuff are apparently partially temporary. The more I know about what I’m Breaking Down, the better they can understand stuff. I guess it makes it easier for me to narrow things down the more I know about it. It also makes your head hurt if you use it for too long. You can safely get like ten minutes tops out of it before the mental pain starts to get unbearable.

They got really excited about this one in particular for a lot of reasons actually. When I said it was a new ability, apparently, they thought that was pretty crazy. Powers here don’t grow, which is the real weird thing. Well, I was told they can, but you were more likely to die, which sounds extremely unsafe.

I used it on some guy who looked like their mother was a vending machine, and all of a sudden, he started writing notes. People were buzzing around like busy bees, but I was tapped for the day. Using my abilities so many times absolutely took it out of me. Militia had to tell everyone that my testing would have to wait for the day.

I was in the backseat of her car right now, actually. Watching the city go by made me think of old pictures of Sweet Jazz with the way everything was kind of ugly and gray looking. It was overcast too, which combined with how tired I was made it really tempting to fall asleep in the back of the car…

“Molly?”

“Oh uh, I’m up!”

I heard her chuckle from the front seat. She wasn’t wearing her bandana, so I could see her mouth and she had a really nice smile.

“Oh, it just looked like you were falling asleep back there. I wouldn’t want you to fall asleep before you got used to your new living conditions.” She said, gently stopping at a red light. “You’ve had a very stressful few days, and I wouldn’t want your next experience to be waking up in a strange place that’s different from where you fell asleep.”

I blushed.

“Oh. You uh, you don’t have to worry. I could handle it.”

She turned on her blinker and turned down a new street. “That doesn’t mean you should have to handle it, Molly. While it’s not the same, my experience moving to America was very socially isolating at the time. Everyone spoke a different language, and it was an entirely different culture. It’s my job to help make sure you settle in.”

Ah. That’s nice of her.

“I mean, isn’t that my foster mom’s job?”

“Of course it is. I’m a hero, and while that means I’m a good role model, it doesn’t mean I’m the best choice to be a parent. I’m always on call, for one thing. We thought it best that you have someone you can trust, and them suddenly having to run off and leave you alone was a no go, I saw to it.”

“Wait, I’m like, a junior hero, right? Won’t that mean I’m on call too?”

We stopped behind some traffic and Militia took the chance to look back at me.

“No, the Wards are meant to be a safe place for kids with powers to learn. That’s not always the reality, sadly, but we do our best anyways. Your powers aren’t very patrol or combat friendly, so you shouldn’t have to worry about dangerous patrols, and you aren’t likely to be on call for a lot either given your extra-dimensional status.”

“That makes sense. I was asking because Missy liked to brag about how much time she worked as a hero, and I got kinda worried I’d have to match that.”

“No of course not. Missy is…well, her parents aren’t the best.” Militia says with surprising candor. “Missy likes to take so many hours because her job lets her avoid them.”

“Whereas my parent is in another dimension so that won’t be a problem.”

Militia frowned. “I know that it’s sudden, but I hope you give your foster mother a chance. I think she’s a good person.”

“Ice cream?” Militia asked, seeing an Ice Cream place on the road. Sweetie’s Swirls.

“N-no thanks. I don’t like sweets.”

“Oh, don’t be shy.” She said, turning her blinker on.

“No, I mean I really don’t like sweets. My dad only ever gets sugary stuff like candy and cake, and it sucks to eat all the time.”

“Oh.” Militia said, looking poleaxed by that answer. “It was kind of the opposite for me, actually. Back home we didn’t have much of anything in the way of sweets. Coming to America I could really taste the difference. We put sugar in everything over here, even the bread.”

Oh…that was disappointing. It must have shown on my face because Militia drove past Sweetie’s Swirls.

“Well, I never really got used to the sugar myself. I love stuff that’s meant to be sugary like cake and candy, but for other foods I’ve memorized where to go to get stuff without quite so much sugar. I’ll give you a list when we get to the building.”

“O-okay.”

“Have any more questions? Want to listen to some music?”

“No. That’s fine. I just want to look out the window for now.”

My floof of a head leaned against the car door, watching people as they drove by. It’s a bit less crowded and busy than back home, but it’s weird too. No one around has a hair color that’s not some shade of black or brown. There’s a few blonds, I mean, but none of them have anything particularly distinctive. I recognized a couple of gang signs, but that’s not so much different as it is concerning.

I’m meeting my new temporary mom in a few minutes. I kind of don’t want to think about it, because it feels like replacing my own mom. I mean, it wouldn’t be so bad to have a mom again, and it’s not like I can bring mom back anyway, but it’s… not a good feeling, whatever it is.

Every time the car slows down, I feel a knot form in my stomach. I don’t get carsick, but I can hardly keep myself from getting nervous. It’s a whole different kind of nerve wracking than the whole last week. It’s strange to think that some random teenage hoodlum I met because my dad left me behind at a museum is the person I’m the closest too, but all of a sudden I can’t text Trixie or Feenie to help my mood. I mean, they gave me a new phone, but I don’t think they have inter-dimensional wi-fi.

We pass by a brick building. Oh man, I’ve missed so much school too. I won’t be able to hang out with my friends there either. Missy is really cool, but at the same time she’s not like my other friends. She acts so much like a grown up that it’s a little intimidating. At least I won’t have to worry too much about getting cursed at school if what they said about powers was any indication.

My eyes started to glaz over before I hear the car stop. That pit in my stomach comes back for its vengeance and all of a sudden, I’m laden with worry. Oh man oh gosh I’m not ready. What if I disappoint her somehow, or I say something culturally insensitive! W-what if I like her? That somehow manages to be the scariest part.

“-ly?”

I mean, I have a dad still, even if he’s far away and there’s a good chance he hasn’t realized that I’ve gone missing. I’m not excited. Is it possible to be scared and excited at the same time? No. I’m not excited. That would be wrong. I should just be scared instead.

“Molly?”

I mean, my Epithet is Dumb. Wait, powers are like, rare here, right? Maybe my foster parent just wants me for the powers. I guess that makes sense why they would adopt me then. I mean, I can do taxes, work a register, order stuff. When I think about it like that, it makes perfect sense why they would bother to adopt me. I mean, I’m pretty capable for a twelve-year-old. It makes sense.

“Molly!”

I look up from the window and see Militia standing on the other side of the car door.

“Are you okay? It’s fine to be nervous, but you aren’t the only one who’s nervous.” She said with a gentle smile on her face.

“R-right. Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. If you need a moment, she’ll understand.”

“N-no. I should get going. I wouldn’t want to keep them waiting on my account.”

Milita gave me a sad smile.

“Molly. You’ll be fine.” She opens the car door and…I’m shaking? When did I start shaking? Oh god I feel like I’m going to stumble! Milita grabs my hand and helps me down. It uh, helps a lot actually. We’re standing in a nice-looking apartment building. It’s less dirty-looking compared to the ones I saw on the way here. We walk up the center steps. Militia walks slowly, not letting go of my hand. She has to tug me along at points.

What if she hates me?

I stop at the top of the stairs.

“I-I’m sorry. This was a mistake. I-I shouldn’t be here. Can I go back to the Rig?”

The worlds all fall out in a jumble. I realize I’m clenching Militia’s hand, but my nerves are too strung out to stop. Militia kneels in front of me, gently cupping my face with her other hand and looking me in the eyes.

“Molly. The Rig is a place for heroes. It’s a workplace, not a home.”

“B-but I hear Missy say she wanted to live there! Besides, I lived above my old workplace, so it should be fine right?”

“Molly. You shouldn’t let work become your life. When I moved to America, it was the easiest thing to do. I was even younger than you, and adapting to everything was extremely difficult for someone who grew up in a third world country. When the pressure got to me, I worked. And now, as an adult, I struggle to relax. Part of it’s my powers, and part of it is that I didn’t really develop that habit. It takes conscious effort on my part to relax. You’re young like I was, and it’s important that you have a chance to enjoy a normal life while you can.”

I felt like there was something caught in my throat. Her hair was glinting off light from the sunset. Normal? I’ve wanted my life to be more normal ever since mom died, and it’s only gotten weirder instead. Not all bad weird, the boss and his friends are pretty great, but still weird.

Going into my new h-home would be normal, I guess, but it would be Bet normal, not my normal.

“It wouldn’t be normal for me.”

“Then talk to her about it. I can’t promise we can match everything exactly, but a parent should always try to meet their child’s needs.”

B-but it’s not her fault. It really isn’t. They don’t know what my normal is.

“Are you ready to meet her?”

“I…I guess so.”

Militia smiles.

“That’s very brave of you.”

It doesn’t feel very brave. She leads me by the hand to the apartment at the far end of the hall, overlooking the city. She gives me a look as we stop in front of door 402. I realize that she’s asking for me to say okay, and, hesitantly, I nod.

Knock Knock

The door opens not even two seconds later. Standing there in a nice pair of jeans and a bomber jacket over a cute, heart stencil T-shirt…is Mel. I’m hit by a wave of…relief. It’s not a total stranger. Mel is nice. She was there to help me out back at the PRT building when that guy tried to kidnap me.

Mel wrings her hands in front of herself.

“W-welcome!” She says with a forced normalcy. She’s all fidgety and anxious. “Please. Come in.”

I follow Militia as she leads me in. It’s… a nice apartment. The walls are a nice beige color, the furniture all looks lived in. The walk in was a small kitchen with a little table and three actual, non-play store chairs. The living room was a small couch and a TV on a little wood stand and a nice window out into the city. There was a hall off to the left, but I just sat at the table. Militia and Mel took their seats as well.

Mel looked nervous. Something about her being nervous made me relax a bit.

“Well.” Militia said. “I think I should make myself scarce.”

“Y-you don’t have to!” I said a little too quickly. Mel’s face tried hard not to be disappointed and proved that you can try and still not succeed. I started to feel guilty.

“Relax, Molly. I live just down the street, actually. As much as I’ll be there to support you at work, Mel here will support you at home.”

“W-wait, aren’t you like, a hero? Is she supposed to be seeing your face?”

“I was read in on it. I’ve been with the PRT for a while now, actually.” Mel said like a shy student that had been called up to the front of the class.

Militia stood up. “I shouldn’t get in the way. Molly, if you’re ever uncomfortable, you can always call me, any time of the day. I can’t guarantee I’ll be free to answer, but I want to help you make as smooth a transition as possible. Okay?”

“…okay.”

“Good. Now, have a good night, you two.”

Militia left. The silence in her wake was awkward.

“S-so Molly. Did you eat on the way over?”

“No.”

“Do you want some cookies?” Mel said, a look of hope in her eyes.

“…that’s fine.”

She really wants to get along with me. I should be making an effort to do the same. After all, I might not get to go home.

…

“Actually, can I go to bed? I’m not really hungry.”

Mel looked stricken.

“It’s okay, Molly. When you’re ready.”

She led me to my room. It was small, without a lot in terms of decorations except some Star Wars posters and a blank notebook on the desk. I sat my backpack down as Mel hovered by the doorway.

“Molly. I want you to know that I won’t open your door unless you tell me to, or if I think you might be in danger. You can decorate in here as much as you want.”

“Okay.”

I felt numb, for some reason. Like what I was living wasn’t real. I don’t hate Mel. She’s nice. It’s just… a lot.

“Do you want me to wash your hoodie so it’s clean when you wear it to school later this week?”

“No!” I almost shouted. “No…it’s fine. I’ll handle it.”

Mel looked heartbroken, but she nodded her head.

“Then…good night. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Mhm.”

“And Molly? I’m here for you. If you ever need to talk, I’ll drop everything and listen.”

I didn’t respond, instead sitting on the bed.

“I love you.” She whispered, probably not intending for me to hear it.

The door closed behind me as tears started to well up. I couldn’t stop myself from crying for some reason. I was safe, so why was I crying? Everyone has been so nice to me so far, so why can’t I just be happy about it?

I don’t know how long I spend crying, but by the end of it I was balled up under the blanket, tired and ready to call it a night. I can’t think more about my family situation. It’s too depressing. I’ve cried myself out so much that I can’t even really feel emotion right now. As I’m dozing off, a thought squiggles its way into my mind.

I have school?

Chapter Text

Things were awkward that morning. Mel was…now that I’d had time to process a little, she seemed a bit…eager? Like she really wanted this to work. She was holding herself back, but I could tell she was very invested in our familial relationship. It felt nice, but I don’t know if I was ready to jump into having a new family so soon. I wanted to say something, but it was hard to talk about how much I missed my old friends back home.

I was actually glad to be waiting on the school bus. People were staring at my stars, but Mel being here actually helped a bit with the anxiety. Apparently, some old villain established some rule about buses being safe zones, Mel said, and people kind of extended that to bus stops too, so despite all the stares, no one came up to me or anything. I had on a Star Wars backpack. It was nice that Mel was trying to get stuff she thought I’d like, but I didn’t really have anything to compare it to yet. It felt a little awkward, but she was trying.

She was holding my hand. Her hands were warm, but a bit clammy.

“Are you nervous?” She asked, like a worried parent. I guess she was, technically.

“Yeah, of course.”

“Well, don’t be. Compared to everything else you’ve gone through Middle School should be nothing.”

The boss’s minions said that Middle School was like High School before people learned they should be nice to other people. I thought that just sounded like working in retail, but then Spike said it would be like every other classmate acting as considerately as Stink, and now I’m scared of new Middle School. I was also wondering how Spike knew about Stink, but I let that slide for now.

Somehow, being social is a lot more scary that being kidnapped or threatened. Okay, scary in a different way. But most of my classmates won’t have Epithets, and there’s no way the teachers here are as bad as they are back home, so it should be fine, if a little overwhelming at first.

The bus rounded the corner and I clutched the strap on my mostly empty backpack. The bus pulled up, letting out air as it lowered itself and automatically opened the side door. The bus driver was an old-looking man in his fifties.

“You new?” He said in a gruff, strange accent. Nope, I was scared again.

“Y-yeah.” Mel squeezed my hand, which felt a bit nice. Not wanting the man to be kept late, I hopped up the bus. Mel yelled out behind me.

“Have a fun day at school, Molly!”

“I-I will!” I said back on instinct. Mel’s expression noticeably brightened, and it made me happy to see her happy. With trepidation, I made my way onto the bus, only to notice that it was mostly empty save for a few kids, who were all glancing at my hair. There were a couple of older kids too, which was a bit worrying. I pulled up my hood on my Bear Hoodie just to hide the stars in my hair. I couldn’t do much about my eyes, but maybe if I just looked out the window the whole time, it would be okay?

Man, getting sent to an alternate dimension couldn’t keep me out of school for more than a few days. I mean, I miss enough school already, but still, it’s kind of funny when I think of it. When I fell through the rainbow thingy, the last thing I thought would happen to me was sitting on the school bus and going to a new school.

What are the chances?

“So this is a ‘School’!” Indus said, awe and reverence in his voice. “An institution built for the sole purpose of educating the next generation of heroes. Teaching them all they will need to begin their own journeys… Truly, a place of beginnings.”

“When did you get so eloquent.” Sylvie remarked. “I’m sorry, but what are we doing at your school again?”

It was a legitimate question, honestly. Molly was in a completely different universe, and Phoenica had dragged their entire group to her Middle School. The scent of glue and crayons emanated from the hung-up art-projects on the pin-board in the lobby. A few chairs and small tables dotted the walls of the pristine and impressively large school foyer, and a cabinet of trophies was available for all the superintendents who actually cared to gaze upon in pride.

Sweet Jazz City was a big place, and it had a lot of schools. Each one had to be big in order to accommodate the population. Sweet Jazz City also had a system where kids of all social classes attended the same schools. It was a means of making sure the wealthy had a reason to invest in public infrastructure. After all, they wouldn’t want their children going to a poor school, and it would make sure people had more perspective about how normal people lived their lives. It worked reasonably well for its purpose, despite a few hiccups. Phoenica was quite literally the richest girl in the world, and she couldn’t just bribe her way through her classes with money, not that she ever would. The very idea would offend her greatly!

Phoenica looked back at Sylvie, who looked like he wanted to be anywhere but here. He was fifteen and already graduated from college. The last thing he needed was for someone to mistake him for a high-schooler.

“We’re here so I can get a permission slip for our inter-dimensional adventure!” Phoenica said primly. “Saving Molly is important, but it is imperative that we do this right! Molly would feel responsible if I missed a grade or lost my perfect attendance for her!”

“Don’t even try to stop her.” Trixie advised Sylvie who was standing there like a confused dog. “When Feenie gets like this, she’s impossible to stop. I just try to keep her from getting too excited.”

“Okay, that explains that, but uh, what about those two?”

Those two being Uber and Leet. Uber and Leet were walking around like a newlywed couple talking about embarrassing school stories from their childhood, like the time they used a Master Ball on the box art legendary instead of the roaming legendary, or when they actually used their limited healing items in RPGs instead of hoarding them like a dragon and just sitting on them all game.

It was sickening.

“I’m keeping an eye on them. You and Indus seem on the level, but I don’t trust those two one bit!” Trixie yipped out.

It was nice that Molly’s friends were reasonable, Sylvie thought. Honestly, it was a bit refreshing to see Molly’s Middle School. He hadn’t been back in Middle School in a long time. He even spotted one of Molly’s art projects. It was a picture of a bear drawn with a patchwork of patterns and colors, all shades of brown, that made the realistic proportions of the bear seem like a toy on the paper. It was honestly pretty good.

It was a bit nostalgic to him too. Walking down the surprisingly small halls, or maybe that was just time. He almost missed it.

Then Phoenica stopped and knocked on her classroom door, reminding him of why he didn't.

“Excuse me, teacher. May I come in?” She asked with the utmost of manners possible.

“Yes you may, young Phoenica.” Responded a voice that was nasally and uptight. A voice that was a little too familiar to Sylvie…

It can’t be, can it?

The six of them crowded into the Middle School classroom. The walls were covered in motivational posters that had been slightly modified to be as de-motivational as possible. One showed a sad kitten falling from a branch with the words ‘Cats land on their feet, kittens don’t’ on it. Another had a smart looking scientist on it with the caption ‘You’ll never be as smart as I was’ under his face. The largest poster was of some kind of pentagram that had a screaming child suspended inside of it as mathematical formula circled all around. The poster said, ‘Pay attention in class…or you’ll be poly-gone.’

There was only one person this could be. Sitting behind the desk was a woman who looked like a wicked stepmother and an abusive nanny had done a fusion dance to create the ultimate old crone. Her knife-sharp glasses sat on her elongated witch’s nose like weapons ready to be used. A Victorian-looking red and grey dress hid most of her pallid skin as she sat in perfect, right angle to the floor, grading papers with a pen that, just by the sound alone, was scrabbling harsh critiques and as many red marks as could possibly be justified on each paper. Her gray eyebrows twitched uncomfortably as soon as she laid eyes on them.

“Sylvester Ashling…” She said in a crowing drone of distaste.

“Agitha Fuckwhistle…” Sylvie said.

“No swearing!” Phoenica said. Sylvie wondered how she got by in Agitha’s class when her last name literally had a swear built in. Agitha just ignored her as she tended to do with children.

“That’s Ms. Fuckwhistle to you!” She said tritely. “And what are you doing back here? Was it not enough to escape my class once, unpunished?”

“You had Ms. Agitha as a teacher before?” Phoenica asked.

“I did. I was the only student she couldn’t punish because I got perfect scores on every assignment. I'm pretty sure she got fired, actually, when I brought up the whole 'torture' thing. She used to teach high-school.”

Phoenica mentally filed that 'perfect student' tidbit away for a future potential marriage binder and pressed onward.

“Well~ I am here to obtain a permission slip in order-”

“Denied.” Agitha said, not listening to anything else Phoenica had to say. Phoenica deflated like a sad little balloon.

“Pleaaaaaaase?” She said, putting her all into her most powerful puppy-dog eyed expression.

“No.”

Uber and Leet just laughed. Phoenica looked back at them with a betrayed expression on her face.

“Hey! This is important! If we don’t get this permission slip, we can’t save Molly!”

“Or Mera!” Indus added, equally concerned.

“Oh come on! For real?” Uber said, hands around Leet’s waist. “You know you can just, not care about the teacher and save your friend, right? Aren’t some things more important than school?”

“It is not the Magical Girl way to shirk her responsibilities!”

“Wait.” Leet said. “Magical Girls always have to ‘go to the bathroom’ when an evil monster shows up during class. You think they got a hall pass for that shit? All the time?”

“No! Swearing!” Phoenica harshly chastised Leet. “And no. School is important! It is a sacred hall of learning, the place where you learn to socialize, and crucial to our development! Anything less than all As and smiles is a stain on my family name!”

“Jokes on you, I never socialized in school. I always played video games during class, recess, lunch. Pretty much everything I know, I learned from video games!” Leet said proudly like all of that didn’t make him a weenie loser.

Phoenica, Sylvie and Trixie just winced and backed up behind Indus. Uber and Leet were confused until they noticed the so-dense-it’s-visible Evil Aura surrounding Agitha Fuckwhistle. She set her grading stylus down and interlocked her fingers together, radiating menace at the two gamers.

“Adults, and yet you act like little children… I ought to punish you right here and now!”

“Woah woah woah! We aren’t even in school anymore!!”

“Also, Agitha, they aren’t your students, so you really can’t punish them.” Sylvie droned.

“I very much can! It’s a matter of principle, you see! If I don’t teach them the error of their ways through incredibly immoral acts of magical violence, they might dedicate their lives to becoming game devs only to burn out of college in the first year and become NEET doomers! Or worse…they’ll become Twitch Streamers!”

As she said the phrase Twitch Streamers, the lights dimmed and thunder boomed outside of the window despite the crystal clear sky. Uber and Leet for once wisely decided not to mention that they were basically evil Twitch Streamers already.

“They could spread their particular brand of dreadful unpleasantness to children that could one day end up in my class! Then, not only would I have the obnoxious, math-hating rebellious little hellions known as middle-schoolers getting up my nose, but they would be saying things like ‘PogChamp’ or ‘PepeLaugh’ like those are real words! While I relish the opportunity to aggressively traumatize as many children as I possibly can, even I draw the line at prepubescent brain damage!”

Leet, paragon of common sense, noticed a crippling flaw in her logic.

“Wait…you guys have Pepe the Frog over here?”

The aura of darkness EXPLODED OUTWARD, filling the entire room in a wave of dread! The lights flickered and desks rattled as a howling gale blew through the classroom!

“This is exactly what I mean! Who names a frog ‘Pepe’?! That emote is based off of the famous image caption of an Australian man laughing uproariously at a kong that got stuck between two pancakes! Their idiocy can not be allowed to go on without severe punishment.”

Agitha reached into her desk and started rummaging through mason jars and ancient chalks when Sylvie walked up to her desk.

“How about instead, you give us the pass and everyone moves on with their lives?”

“Oh? Like you would do such a good job at exorcizing these little demons.” She gruffs.

“I mean, that is what we’re trying to do.”

Agitha stops and looks up at Sylvie, narrowing her eyes at him.

“Well, to cut a long story short, these two bozos got our friends caught in another dimension. We’re just trying to get them back and throwing these two back into the garbage bin they came from.”

“Hey! OW!” Leet squeaked after getting elbowed in the ribs by Trixie.

“And why, exactly, do they need to be in one piece for this?”

“Well…”

Sylvie couldn’t think of a reason, actually. He didn’t really like Uber and Leet. They made him very uncomfortable. They were like looking at his worst nightmare. Full adults who act like kids who no one respects. That, mixed with their excessive overt PDA, made him not really all that invested in their well-being.

“Fine…” Trixie said, realizing she had to be the repsonsible one, which was a horrible sign for their group. “What do you want? I've got my anti-ghost potion and some other ingredients on me if you wanna barter.”

“Your pathetic excuses for magical concoctions give my Geometry Magic a bad name. Although…”

Agitha looks over at Uber and Leet.

“If you are from another world, then I could extract some curse ingredients from you…”

Leet gulped.

“Nevermind... you're probably infected with terminal stupid. That said, I could use some fools. You say you're going to another world, yes? If so, I will agree to sign your permission slip on the condition that you help me gather some ingredients when you get there, plus one small favor..”

“Of course!” Indus says, not waiting for Uber or Leet’s opinion. “We will gladly help you gather ingredients, honored teacher!”

“Good, good. You see, I was in need of some help gathering these ingredients since they are a bit out of my wheelhouse." She handed Indus a small list which he immediately stuffed in his pants without reading. "My class is filled with miserable little shits, but I am far from the only teacher at this school. I overheard one such teacher, Mr. Tallen, the English teacher, complaining that Stink (Uber: is that a real name?) had copied the entirety of the Communist Manifesto word for word for his writing project. Since that horrible little child is a member of my class as well I decided he needed to be punished, but a fitting punishment needs to fit the crime, you see. That is Alchemy’s law of equivalent exchange, though copying every individual word is a level of severity and shamelessness that demands more than I have stored.”

“We didn’t ask for an-”

“Quiet when I’m talking, young man!”

Uber shrunk back like a little baby.

“Ahem. The spell I have decided on after asking the Literature Dark Magic Discord Server for pointers is the Penumbral Pinwheel of Plagium! The spell will teleport Stink to a magic breaking wheel, his limbs strung out in an X formation, and he will be strung up in front of the blackboard like a game show wheel. He will be spun repeatedly and after every spin must answer increasingly difficult questions about his paper. For every incorrect question, and there are likely to be many, an embarrassing photo of him will be posted on social media so that he may be mocked and ridiculed by his peers!”

Phoenicia gasps.

“Stink cheated?! ” She yelled, pointing out what was definitely the most striking detail of that diatribe.

“Yes indeed, little girl.”

“Then it is our duty to see justice done!”

Uber and Leet glanced at each other. They don’t know who this Stink is, but the Communist Manifesto? Based.

“So uh.” Trixie starts. “What do you actually need from us?”

“Well that’s simple. I already have the blood of a first year high-school dropout with crippling self-confidence issues and the sweaty binder of a transmasc who hid their gender identity from unsupportive parents, I just need an effigy. The effigy must be a humanoid work of art that is a phony version of a real piece of art. Since Stink copied literally the entire book word for word, it’s going to have to look exactly the same. Since this is a bit of Literature Dark Magic, I unfortunately don’t have it on hand. Get that for me, and you will have your permission slip.”

Sylvie, thoroughly used to Agitha’s…her-ness, just nodded his head.

“Sure, whatever. Hey Phoenica, your family is rich, right? You gotta have one laying around.”

“Yes, they are rich.” Phoenicia hummed. “But fake artwork is outside of my family’s wheelhouse. I mean, why buy a fake when you can spend more money on the real thing! The artist put their heart into the original, and you can’t fake heart!”

“Yeah!” Leet said. “Indie games are the lifeblood of gaming communities! The art and passion of game creators is second to none!”

“See!” Phoenica harrumphed. “I cannot know anything about forgeries! I’m a good girl!”

“Me too!” Leet said with a chipper tone in his(?) voice. “I’m so excited for Silksong to come out in a few months!”

“Th-that’s all well and good.” Sylvie began, not even wanting to ask at this point. “I guess, but uh, where does that leave us? We can’t get that permission slip that we apparently need without this ingredient. How are we supposed to get our hands on replica artwork that’s that high quality?”

Trixie gripped his shoulder, the only other mostly sane individual in the group.

“You know…I have an idea, actually. Rich people stuff, yeah? We might know just the perfect guy to point us in the right direction.”

Winslow. A hive of scum and villainy. An obvious result of a city with limited funding, extreme gang influence, and poor social support structures. The walls were dulled and the paint was chipped. Gang signs littered wherever literal litter did not. The place had a smell that, while it wasn’t bad per se, wasn’t pleasant, and you definitely noticed it when you left. 

Walking through the halls were the standard fare of ‘totally not gang members’, bullies, and packs of students who formed groups as a means of defense. Cowards, the lot of them. Today was the day Taylor was supposed to be back in school after her time at the hospital. If the weakling couldn’t learn her lesson after that? Well, she was asking for it. 

Things have been a bit crazy this past few days, Sophia had to admit. Those otherworlder people joining on was one thing, but that creepy guy… the way he fawned over her aesthetics was disgusting. Shadow Stalker was cool, but like, in the way that if other people thought she was cool it wasn't cool anymore. He was like a little kid. Heroics was serious business, even if the PRT more often than not pussyfooted the real problems.

See, that’s the problem with it. The PRT is too reactive! They’re like the teachers at Winslow. The halls are run by gangs and gang affiliates here, and the teachers only step in when it threatens the status quo! When people like Hookwolf and Oni Lee are running around killing people, the PRT can only respond, never act.

No. The world needs more people like Sophia, she thought. She stepped up. Put herself in charge, and beat down anyone who pissed her off. She was the real keeper of the peace in Winslow, and she made sure everyone below her knew their place.

One little bug in particular.

Sophia needed the stress relief. Nothing got her rocks off quite like putting Taylor in her place. Taylor, after all, was an example. An example of what happens when you cross Sophia’s group. An example of what happens when you don’t learn your place.

Still, it takes guts to come to school after that. Not that Taylor would understand as she tried to walk to class without anyone noticing her. She was lithe and tall, easy to track. Taylor’s eyes were jittering across the crowd, expecting something terrible to happen, and when they snapped to Sophia, they knew she was right.

Sophia stepped directly in her path and just watched as Taylor sucked in a breath unconsciously. 

“Hey Hebert. Where do you think you’re going?” 

Taylor looked up with apathy hiding her emotions. 

“To class.”

She sounded meek. Like Sophia might hit her. She has before.

“After the locker? You’re joking. You really didn’t get the memo? No one wants you here.”

People started watching. Murmurs filled the air. Taylor hated the attention.

“Is that the locker girl?”

“Damn, she’s just back like nothing happened?”

“Oh my god, do you think she still smells?”

Sophia grew a sinister smile. Taylor just tried to look as unaffected as possible.

“Come on, Tay. Do us all a favor and ju-”

“HEY!” A voice shouted from the crowd.

Ugh. Someone wanting to play tough guy. Sophia had laid out plenty of these people before until they learned that it wasn’t worth it. She really needed the stress relief today, and if it came from beating down some wannabe hero, she could tolerate that.

Sophia turned. 

Giovanni Potage stood in a brown hoodie and new looking jeans, hands on his hip like a lecturing mother.

“Seriously? I know this place sucks, but bullying this blatant? That’s lame!”

W-what the hell was he doing here?! He hasn’t even been revealed to the public yet! People are staring at the man with very obviously natural pink hair and slight fanged teeth.

“Giovanni!” A voice rang out from behind him. An older gentleman in a fine suit and the PRT logo tastefully adorning his breast pocket fast-walked up to him. 

“We’re just here to get you registered, not…” He looks around at the audience before spotting Sophia very obviously aggressively posturing. Sophia realizes that he’s Giovanni’s Wards handler a bit late as she pulls back into a nonchalant ‘cool girl’ pose.

He doesn’t seem to buy it.

“Hey, Steven, I get it. But how could I be a hero and ignore the obvious injustice in front of me?”

THAT got people muttering and taking pictures. Taylor seems almost as deer in the headlights as Sophia felt.

Giovanni! What the fuck is he doing here?! He doesn’t even know Sophia’s face, so why is he coming after her?!

Sophia starts to think up a retort before she remembers the PRT handler behind him. She wisely keeps her mouth shut.

“Okay! So…” He turns to Taylor. “Is she bullying you?” 

“...what?”

“I have to ask! If you guys were just doing angsty flirting or something, this would be pretty embarrassing on my part.” 

That got a reaction alright.

“What?! No! She’s not flirting with me?!” “I would never flirt with a disgusting-”

Giovanni levels a glare at Sophia. If she wasn’t between a rock and a hard place here, she would have punched the shit out of him. She still might do it, honestly. 

“Well then, it seems we have a pretty clear cut case of bullying. Stranger, how do you plead?”

Plead?!

“This isn’t a court. Who the fuck even are you?!”

“Me?” Giovanni says with the most punchable grin ever. “I am Giovanni Potage!” He yells while striking a pose he alone certainly thought was cool.

“I am this city’s latest hero! …and villain !”

That drew Taylor and Sophia up short. Taylor actually spoke up first.

“What? You’re a hero… and a villain?”

“Yes!” Giovanni shouted. “By day, I am-”

“Not being announced today!” Steven shouted in an almost practiced manner. Has he been doing this all day? Giovanni at least had the decency to look embarrassed.

“Well yes. But more importantly, the bullying?”

Fine , Sophia thought. I’ve done this song and dance before. It's more Emma's thing than mine, but I can still bullshit like the best of them.

“No way.” Sophia said in the most fake voice imaginable. “I was just helping Taylor here get to class. She’s been out for the past while, so I was worried she’d get lost.”

Sophia leaned in uncomfortably close to Taylor, who reflexively pulled away.

“Isn’t that right, Taylor?”

Taylor hesitated. People were talking and taking photos. There was a weird cape in front of her and her bully was right there. They seemed stupid. They wouldn’t listen to her. Nobody ever did, and when she told them anyways, it was like the world worked as hard as it could to make sure the people who hurt her never got in trouble for it. She didn’t appreciate being used as a PR stunt like this. Taylor really wished she could leave, but she was fenced in physically and socially. Taylor knew that, if she didn’t acquiesce to Sophia’s demands, she would get hurt much worse later on.

But…Taylor was thinking of leaving school. She wanted to become a hero. She had a costume at home unfinished, a set of notes about her plans for becoming a hero, and a burning desire to help. To help because she knew intimately what it was like when there were no heroes around to help you.

Yet here was some idiot hero with more heart than sense, trying in their own awkward way to help her. Frankly, if it wasn’t for the exasperated handler behind him, Taylor would have caved to Sophia. It’s easier to just go along with the games, after all, even if they hurt her. But this Giovanni character looked like he had two brain cells that were both competing for third place. Taylor was destined for greater things when she became a hero, though. It’s not like telling this idiot could have any serious consequences.

“No. She was harassing me. In fact, she’s the one who put me in the hospital she mentioned.”

Giovanni narrowed his eyes, while Steven looked surprised. Genuinely shocked.

Sophia paled.

“Come on, Tay!” She grabbed Taylor’s arm painfully. “You know they aren’t used to our brand of humor, right?”

“It’s not funny. This has never been funny.” Taylor said, as though speaking was like walking across hot coals whilst eating a ghost pepper smoothie.

Oh man! This was gonna get straight back to Piggy at this rate! Hebert was so going to get it.

“Well, I think that answers that.” Giovanni said. “Thank you for your honesty, Taylor. It can be hard to speak up when no one speaks up in your defense. I, on my honor as a villain, swear to you that I will do something about your situation!” Giovanni said with aplomb.

Taylor didn’t seem to buy it. 

The way Sophia was looking at her made her bristle. This was a stupid idea…

“I know!” Giovanni shouted, light bulb practically appearing over his head. “You can become my new minion!”

“...huh?”

“Indeed!” Giovanni said while Steven audibly facepalmed and groaned. “I’m forming a team of the baddest of the bad, but most of my minions are back home… That’s why I think you would be perfect for my new team!”

Taylor’s heart basically stopped. He knew. She had no idea how this man knew, but he knew for sure. Despite obviously being a cape, he hasn’t displayed any visible powers…can he read minds, somehow? Taylor’s control over her bugs went wild as bugs out of sight twitched and squiggled. 

“Um-”

“AND if you say yes, I’ll give you a tour of my secret base!”

Taylor…hated the thought that ran through her mind. If she agreed, she could keep an eye on this suspicious idiot. Go undercover, as it were. When she got evidence of the crimes he was very loudly planning, she could turn him in, get a reputation, and become a real hero. It’s just…saying yes would be insanely embarrassing.

Well, it’s not like Taylor was a stranger to shame and ridicule.

“...sure.”

“AWESOME!” He shouted, grabbing her by the wrist and pulling her away from a stunned Sophia, who was seething in anger. Taylor tried not to flinch at the contact and immediately failed. Giovanni looked at her excitedly.

“Now, Steven! Taylor! We are headed…to the Asylum… of EEEVIIIIL!” 

Taylor was regretting this already.

Giovanni tugged Taylor along like a lost limpet, who seemed to be thinking something along the lines of 'wait, right now!?’ as she vanished down the hall behind the force of nature that was Giovanni.

Steven pulled an ibuprofen out of his breast pocket, swallowed it in a practiced motion, and ran doggedly after the stupid man shouting about how he couldn’t just take a girl out of school for no reason.

People were taking videos.

“Was that a Ward? At Winslow?”

“Nah, he said he was a villain, right?”

“...he was kind of hot, right?”

Sophia didn’t listen. Sophia was busy panicking. Taylor was probably getting dragged off the Wards HQ or something. If that idiot was as bull-headed as he seemed, then Taylor might talk about Sophia, and then her parole is up. I mean, he was stupid, so he might not make the connection, but Steven very well can. If they spark an investigation out of this, then Sophia is cooked!

It was…fine! Maybe they’ll get wrapped up in something and forget all about her! Sophia thought.

…

Sophia didn’t seem to buy it.

“Class! We have a very special new student today!”

The chitter and chatter inside the classroom quieted down. That was good, at least.

“Please, come in and introduce yourself.” The teacher said politely. 

Nervously, I inched into the classroom…avoiding eye contact, hoodie pulled tight over my head.

“H-hi.” Oh man, just kill me. “I’m, uh, Molly. Molly Blyndeff.”

Everyone was staring at me. I just wanted to disappear. Well, it’s fine. Other than my eyes and hair, I’m basically the same as everyone around me. They’ll get bored after a while.

“Molly here is a transfer student.” The teacher said, excitedly. “But not just a normal transfer student. Molly is from Earth Lexis, a heretofore undiscovered new Earth!”

Nevermind.

And immediately, the comments started pouring in.

“Your eyes are so cute!” 

“Are those Stars an alien parasite?!” 

“Who’s Alexis?”

It loud. I tried. I got some training on answering people’s questions when we decided I’d be a Ward and worked out all my other living accommodations. I didn’t expect them to rush me into school so soon, but I did overhear them talking about ‘getting people used to the idea’ before we were revealed as heroes.

“Oh, uh, thanks! No. What?”

Great job, me!

Unfortunately, the cacophony of questions started to snowball.

“Are you a cape?”

“Do your eyes do anything?”

“Do you know the Muffin Man?”

“Can I add you on social media?”

“Seriously, who’s Alexis?”

“Everyone! Please!” The teacher raised her voice, and not a second too soon, because I was totally about to just save myself the headache and mute everyone.

“There will be plenty of time for you to get to know Molly later. For the moment, we still have class, so please, let her get used to you.”

The class mostly quiets down at that, and whether intentionally or not, I get a seat at the back of the class. I’m not sure if I would have been able to stand sitting in front of the class where people could stare at my hair all day. Even now, I catch people looking backwards at me like I'm some spectacle. It’s not a window seat, thankfully, but the chair isn’t that uncomfortable. I guess when you’re used to sitting in those plastic toy chairs at work, you start to get cozier in the more utilitarian ones.

Still, the window seat… I’m pretty sure my friends would tease me a lot for getting the anime-character seat. I can’t help but smile thinking about them, even though I should be sad about it. For just a moment, I’m just glad that they’re fine.

Unfortunately, the lesson plan requires a bit more actual paying attention than I would have thought. It turns out being from an entirely different world makes you have to pay a lot more attention during history class, and I end up having to ask a lot more questions than I would have normally. I couldn’t even Break it Down since the Epithet Glow is pretty obvious. 

I mean, I’m not stupid or anything, my grades were fine back on Earth…Lexis? But I only got half hours at school because I had to work at the toy store. I got a bit of a primer and an information packet from the PRT covering the big stuff, but the minutiae are very different. For starters, the countries here aren’t so neatly divided by biome, so their names actually matter. There are also a lot more disasters related to people with powers. 

I uh, don’t want to think about the Endbringers. I mean, I thought that having a big government obviously conspiracy organization was bad, but…the Endbringers are a level of bad I still can't really process. It…makes it worse. A lot worse. The air around people when they talk about it is one thing, but when the teacher mentions off-handedly that historical nations don’t really exist today because of the Endbringers and just moves on, it really hits me that this is just what people live with here. 

How does anyone here have any hope? And every time one of these things shows up, people die. A lot of people die. Good people. Powerful people. And they die in droves too. It makes me wonder how people on Bet can even have hope at all.

By the time lunch rolls around, between thoughts like this and the general mental effort just to keep all this new information in line, I’m exhausted. So when I sit down in the small lunchroom with my square pizza, box milk, and mashed potatoes, I’m just not ready for the wave of people coming up to me with questions. It’s all too much for me to handle and I quickly make up an excuse about feeling a little sick. 

It’s only kind of an excuse. 

I walk into the nurse’s office, only not dragging my feet because I only have so much time for lunch. It’s a nice enough office, like everything in this school. I can at least be thankful that they made sure to send me to a nicer school with clean walls, the smatter of tastefully patterned colorful floor tiles, and all sorts of brightly colored posters everywhere. The nurse’s office is much the same, with a nice little anti-drug poster on the wall above the bed.

Sadly, the bed is already taken. 

A girl my age with straight, dark brown hair is laying on the bed is holding her head.

Aaaand the nurse is out. Anime main character stereotype strike two.

“H-hey? You sick?” I said, thinking it would be more awkward to just be silent.

“No. My head hurts…”

“Oh, so uh, do you mind if I take a seat?”

The girl just shakes her head, so I sit down next to her on the unconfortable plush of the bed.. 

…well this is awkward.

I guess I should say something. I was explicitly told to try and make friends, even if they aren’t Feenie and Trixie.

“So uh, what’s your name?”

“I’m Dinah.” She said.

She hasn’t even looked at my eyes or hair once. It must be a pretty bad headache.

“How bad is your headache?”

“...it hurts. A lot. I always come to the nurse’s office whenever I get them.”

“O-oh.”

I’m so good at this socializing thing. Well uh, how did I make friends before? Me and Feenie went to Trixie for help and became friends after. I could try to help her with her headache, but I was also explicitly told to save any power usage for after the announcement this week.

But I mean, looking over, she seems to be in a lot of pain. I wouldn’t be much of a hero if I just walked away right? I mean, I don’t really have to help, but when I fell over in the fog, the boss didn’t have to come back and help, and he’s a villain. If a hero, even just nominally, didn’t help, they wouldn’t be much of a hero, right? I was told I’d be one, so I should probably act heroic anyway. It’s what they would want.

“I uh, I can help with that…probably.”

Dinah looked up at me for the first time, her eyes slightly widened when she met my button eyes.

“Is it safe?” she asked tentatively.

“Y-yeah, I can just, uh, dumb down the pain a little so you can get to sleep.”

“You can do that?”

“Yeah. Uh, I’m not supposed to, but I’m also expected to? It’s a hero thing?”

She blinked.

“You’re a hero?”

“Ward, I think was the name. It’s supposed to be a secret for a little bit, but uh…” I gesture to my face in general and she seems to get the idea. She says something under her breath that I’m pretty sure I wasn’t supposed to hear.

“Likelihood that she’s the reason everything is changing?”

She doubles over in pain, crying out. I lean over in worry.

“W-what’s wrong?”

“...100%. I never get a full 100% unless it’s about stuff that already happened.” Dinah looks up and meets my eyes. “Did you help me?”

“N-no. Not yet? You didn’t say I could.”

The PRT was very insistent that I not use my powers on people without their consent. 

Still, Dinah smiled with a wince.

“P-please, then.”

There was no one else around, so it was probably fine. I reached out and dumbed down the pain with a green glow. The effect was immediately obvious. Dinah’s eyes shot open and she immediately sat up straighter, looking at me with wide eyes.

“C-can we be friends?!” She shouted.

Oh. That was pretty easy, actually.

“Sure. I uh, don’t have any friends given the whole ‘Earth Lexis’ thing.”

Dinah’s smile immediately brightened.

Then the door opened.

“Molly? You in here?”

Coming in past the standard kitten on a branch ‘Hang in There’ poster was a familiar face with short blonde hair.

“Missy?”

“Yeah, it’s me. I wanted to make sure you were alright. You seemed pretty freaked out when you fled the lunchroom…”

“S-sorry. All this attention is pretty rough, especially with my misophonia.”

“Hey, it’s cool. Also, uh, what’s with that glow?” Missy asked like she didn’t already know what I was doing. Right, secret identities. That’s going to get confusing, especially if Missy goes to the same school as I do.

“Oh, uh, I’m a hero. She has a pretty nasty headache, so I was trying to help her. This is Dinah, by the way. My friend”

It felt weird to say that so soon, but hey, she offered.

“Friends? With the Mayor’s niece? What are the odds?”

“87.3 %.” Dinah said with another wince, though it wasn’t as bad as before. “Please don’t ask me questions like that.”

“What’s with the percent thing, Dinah? Is that, like, some Earth Bet thing I don’t know about yet?”

“No. Sometimes, when I get asked a question, I can see how likely it is to happen. Just…it hurts.”

“No shit?” Missy began. 

“You’re about to ask me a question. Please don’t.”

Missy looked sheepish. 

“Sorry, I just… I’m curious, you know?”

“Everyone’s curious except my parents.”

“Tell you what?” I began, not really understanding the looks Missy was sending me with increasing frequency. “Do you want to come over to my place after school?”

It felt weird calling it ‘my place’, but from what Missy told me about her parents, she wouldn’t want us coming over. Besides that, I’m so conspicuous that going over to her place would effectively out her, and I was told that that was very bad.

At the same time, I felt bad about not being able to live with Mera given her pain problems. Maybe I could make up for that by helping Dinah. It was kind of selfish, but I don't think Dinah would mind that.

“Why?” Dinah asked.

“Well, uh. I could ask her about your headaches for you. That seems like a unique medical problem if you end up in the nurse’s office often, like you said. I’m sure she'll be able to help.”

Dinah just looked down, before muttering under her breath in a voice that, once again, I probably wasn’t supposed to hear. 

“Chances that she listens to me?” Another wince. “94%.”

She was all but cradling her head in her hands at this point, even with my pain dampening.

“S-sure.” She squeaked out. “That sounds awesome.”

“Can I come too?” Missy asked. 

“Sure. You’re my friend too. I’m sure Mel won’t mind me inviting friends over. Though, uh, I don’t have much other than a TV for amenities…”

“That’s fine.” She said, quietly. “I just want to make sure everything is fine with Dinah here.”

“Oh!” I remembered. “Don’t you have, uh, extracurriculars?”

“Today’s hours were volunteer hours. I can just call and let them know I won’t be in.” 

“Okay, cool.”

“Well, the lunch break won’t last forever.” Missy said, walking back to the door of the nurse’s office. “Wanna come with?”

“Nah, I’ll be fine. I’m worried about how bad Dinah’s headache will be without my Epithet. I’ll just stay here until the nurse comes back.”

Missy gave me a proud smile that made me blush a bit before leaving. It was nice to know I made the heroic choice.

It wasn’t long hashing out the details of her coming over before the nurse came back and I had to turn off my Epithet. The frown on her face was…pretty severe. Like she just drank from a glass of milk before realizing it was spoiled buttermilk.

“I guess, uh, I’ll see you there?”

Dinah laid down on the bed.

“Yeah. See you there.”

“Welcome back Molly! Did you have a good day at school?”

I walked in the front door and set my bag down at the table.

“...It was a mixed bag. Too many questions.”

Mel seemed mollified by that response. 

“Well, if you need to take a day off I can call the school and let them know, okay?”

Mel…really wasn’t like my Mom at all. My mom would never let me miss school. She was too much of a stickler for scheduling and planning. Still, it was a nice thought.

“I’ll put up with it.” I said, opening up the fridge and grabbing some tea.

“Did you make any friends?”

I already knew Missy, and I’m pretty sure Dinah just wanted to hang out with me because of my ability to help with her headaches. I wasn’t entirely sure if I made friends as much as they came to me. 

“Sorta. Actually, they’re coming over today. Is that okay?”

“Is it okay for you to have friends over? By all means! Though, I don’t have a ton for them to do. I could dust off some old board games if that would help.”

“That sounds good. Do you, uh, have anything for headaches?”

“I’ve got some ibuprofen, why?”

“Well, Dinah says she gets some pretty bad headaches. I thought you might be able to help.”

“I’m a field officer, not a medical officer, but if it’s to help your friend I’ll do what I can. When are they coming over?”

“In an hour.”

Mel sighed. 

“Then it’s a good thing I kept this place so clean for when you were coming over, or I’d be scrambling to get it looking good. Wanna help me pick out a board game, Molly?”

This…was a good enough distraction. I could manage this.

“Sure Mel.”

She had a good mix, actually. Apparently the one called Monopoly was off the table because it ruined friendships? Why even bother having it at that point? Well, we decided on Settlers of Catan and Smash Up. Feenie and Trixie would have liked those.

I keep thinking about stuff in terms of home. I’m not home, though. It’s too different. Different in a choking way. I feel terrible about it, but this place is genuinely terrible. These people are trying so hard, but the world here is so crushing. I’d rather be home, for so many reasons. 

“Mel?” I began. “How do people move on in Earth Bet?”

Mel stopped rifling through the cabinet for snacks and turned to me.

“What do you mean?”

“You’ve got so many evil people, natural disasters, villains. That’s not even counting the amount of people and cities that get lost to Endbringers. How do you do it?”

Mel walked over and sat at the table next to me.

“Well, we just grow up in it. Endbringers have been around for my entire life, and every few months something terrible happens. People die, things get bad again, and we just have to rebuild if we even can. I can’t fully comment, since I’m just one person, but we move on as best we can.”

“I get that, I do, but it all seems so hopeless.”

“It’s the opposite, actually. Maybe this is just my opinion, but the world around us is filled with injustice. Terrible people, natural disasters, corruption at every level… The only thing that keeps us going is hope. The faith that one day, the world could get better. Lots of people give up, but lots of people also step up. It’s a bad place, we know that, but if we lose hope that things can change for the better, we’re just victims at that point. That’s part of why I joined the PRT. It has its own flaws, but for every inadequacy, it’s still a force that stands against that corruption and evil. People like to say all it does is uphold the status quo, but they often take for granted that we even have a status quo all things considered.

I wouldn’t have to worry about any of this back home, but she has a bit of a point.

“You can’t spend your life living in fear. Bad things will happen, but that’s why I stepped up. Maybe I can make a difference, and even if I can’t, I put myself out there to try and help however I can. Not everyone in the PRT is like that, but I can at least control my own life. I can’t tell you not to worry, but I’ll be there to support you all the way. Take confidence in that, if nothing else.”

Strangely, it was a lot like Feenie in a way. Feenie was strongly optimistic, despite the pressure of having to fight the Songstress on her shoulders for her whole life. Thinking of how she was like Feenie made it a lot easier to accept things, even if I don’t think I would ever call this place ‘home’. 

“Okay.”

Mel smiled gently.

“Well chin up, in spite of all that, you’ve got friends coming over to play games with, so please, have fun.”

I smiled. I mean, they have their own reasons, but they’re still friends. That’s still true. I’m still a bit scared, but I can see what Mel is saying.

I walk over to Mel and, with a bit of hesitation, give her a big ol’ hug.

“Thanks, Mel.”

Mel returned the hug gently, as though she was afraid of seeming eager.

“Anytime, Molly. Have fun today, okay?”

“Mhm.”

I pulled away, and by the time they got there, I was ready. I still thought about Feenie and Trixie, but I told my new friends about them, and they both agreed that they seemed pretty cool. Dinah and Missy were pretty cool too. Missy is confident and considerate, and overall just a really good person, if a little serious. Dinah is gentle and insightful, if shy, and she was just happy to have her boundaries respected.

We played Smash Up and Catan, and they were really fun. I found myself laughing and smiling, even with everything else going on in my life…

I had fun today.

Chapter Text

“Greetings, people of Brockton Bay!”

The crowd in front of the PRT building, largely consisting of media, socialites, and cape groupies, eagerly waited at attention. On stage, Emily Piggot was putting on her well-practiced PR face, which was passable if you ignored how long Piggot has had to improve it. Armsmaster was standing next to her, stiff as a robot as usual, but this was one of the times Piggot really envied capes, which was saying a lot. Armsmaster only had to school half of his face, and since he had his stupid visor thing, he could just read his canned speech off a teleprompter.

That fucking cheater.

“Today, we have a very special announcement. I’m sure many of you have been wondering about what we here at the PRT have been so hush-hush about this past week.”

Truthfully, this was kind of an exceptional situation. Normally, the PRT and Protectorate wouldn’t be quite so eager to spread information about another world like this, but frankly it was only a matter of time until it got out, and it had a couple of benefits.

For starters, the fact that these people were here and known about made it easier for Piggot to get resources. Now, if you asked her whether she thought that Brockton Bay was deliberately underfunded and understaffed, she wouldn’t say ‘yes’, but she also definitely wouldn’t say ‘no’. Frankly, part of the rush to get them situated from Emily’s perspective is that Costa-Brown now officially had eyes on the goings-on of this city, and it wasn’t as easy to relocate them to wherever she wanted, so politically it was bullshit that meant the Chief Director had to send people and resources out here instead of Piggot losing yet more capes like Challenger. She probably knows or at least suspects the reason, but it’s not like she can call them out, and the Wards already settling into school is another reason they should stay here. Piggot, even in her misshapen, shriveled heart, was even hoping they would make friends.

What a world.

“Today, I have the privilege of introducing not one, not two, not three, but four new heroes to this fine city.”

Announcing that they were from Earth Lexis was another careful decision. If these people were even remotely able to keep a secret, then it might have been a different matter. However, about half of them couldn’t keep a secret to save their lives so it was bound to come out eventually, and enough pictures had been taken of them after the Jewelry Store incident that keeping a lid on it was going to be next to impossible anyways. At the same time, them not ‘technically’ being parahumans was actually a good thing as far as PR was concerned. Parahumans were, more often than not, pretty terrible. I mean, what happens when you give a man with an inflated sense of self importance and a small dick super powers? You get Heartbreaker. And Jack Slash. And Kaiser. And Teacher. And Saint. And a laundry list of people. Hell, Piggot would gladly lump Armsmaster into that same group if she wasn’t totally sure he hadn’t replaced his bits with a fuck-master 9000 that had a portable heater and a cupholder.

“The four of them are from a heretofore undiscovered dimension, which we will be calling Earth Lexis.” Emily said to the gaggle of gossiping reporters and crazed fan-people. “We aren’t sure how long they will be here, but for the time being they will be working with the local Protectorate and Wards to help protect this city. I will now hand the mic over to Armsmaster, so he can begin their introduction.”

Piggot mercifully stepped off the stage as Armsmaster walked on. Seeing his sterling silver armored personage stepping onto the stage, the reporters took the chance to sip their coffee, sit down for a moment, and call people on their phones. The fan people and socialites started gossiping loudly as their event-gophers of choice did the actual listening. Armsmaster began his usual canned introduction as literally everyone tuned him out the way he was tuning out the audience.

Fortunately for everyone involved in this little facade, time spent here was time not spent talking about the nuts and the bolts with his NEET friend Dragon, so Armsmaster made it to the new part of the speech in about four minutes. It used to be two, actually, but people can’t get to and from the bathroom that fast as he had noticed in his algorithms. Clearly, the solution to this problem was making his speeches longer to compensate.

“First up, our two new members of the Protectorate.” Armsmaster said in the exact same tone as the entire rest of his speech. The gophers immediately shook their friends and the reporters hurriedly stood up and started trying to pay attention again.

“First up, allow me to introduce you to Watchtower.”

Percival King walked out in an almost identical robotic manner as Armsmaster in an outfit largely reminiscent of her Sweet Jazz PD uniform. Her brick patterned tie rested on her dark blue collared shirt, and the gold-brick pattern added touches to the hems of her black pants. Her shoulder tassels had been made slightly larger and more distinctly armored, the gold now carrying a metallic sheen as the pauldrons rose up like little rooks. Her white gloves had been replaced with thicker, black gloves, carrying a square brick design on the back with a little black rook on it to accentuate her new insignia. 

Perhaps the most obvious addition was the Police Helmet, which neatly covered her short Blonde Hair. It was a solid black matching her pants with a stripe of gold brick wrapping around it and lining up with the black Visor which went down over Percy’s eyes. Her Real-Ass Goddamn Sword now had a new sheath, the mouth of which was rimmed with the same gold-brick pattern as the rest of her outfit. On either side of the helmet was a gold-brick circle with a black rook in the center.

Percy stepped up to the lectern with a gentle smile.

“Greetings, Brockton Bay. From today forward I will be your new guardian. I will take it upon myself to challenge any malcontent, fussbudget, rapscallion or ragamuffin who would dare intrude upon this neither peaceful nor structurally efficient and stable borough.”

About half of the audience were cheering and taking pictures. The other half were googling what the heck a fussbudget was.

Percy stood to Armsmaster’s left in a way that looked like she was copying him but was actually just her being her, really.

“Second up, Glasswork!”

Mera Salamin was a fascinating case. How do you make a costume for someone who breaks everything they touch eventually? You can’t make it too heavy or it will either hurt Mera or get broken. You can’t make it too tight or it could exacerbate self-inflicted injuries. To loose, however, and it would just get caught on stuff causing her to trip. It didn’t help that Mera vehemently refused to wear anything too skin-tight. In fact, Mera vehemently refused almost everything the PR team tried to put her in, especially bubble wrap.

The result? A synthetic, white-fur coat, purple slacks, and a purple t-shirt with a picture of a glass spear on it overlaying a hidden microfiber suit. Mera had purple fingerless gloves and tastefully normal looking white tennis shoes. Her eyes were covered by a purple visor with a white trim that went over her nose, tip pointing to her plastic smile. Mera’s hair was tied up into a high ponytail that trailed behind her as she slouched over to the lectern.

“I’m Glasswork.” Mera said deadpan before walking over next to Percy, who politely chided her on her insufficiently friendly demeanor. Mera was too dead inside to respond.

“Third up: Mulligan!”

Immediately, it’s obvious to anyone that knows him that Giovanni didn’t design his outfit. Dashing out in a red gothic long coat with gold embroidered on the ends, Giovanni puffs out his chest, his white ruffled blouse poofing up poofily. His white football-like pants are subtly armored with inserted armor plates that end in stylish red cleats. In one of his white-gloved hands, he holds a red cane tipped with a Gold-plated bowl ornament of some kind. His red cape is reminiscent of his Banzai Blaster cape, now with the insignia of a golden bowl on it. On his head is a red excessively wide brimmed fedora hat that you might see on Carmen Sandiego. His mask is red with gold trim, a Zorro mask that does absolutely nothing to hide his cheese-eating grin as he swooshes on top of the lectern.

“GREETINGS, Brockton Bay!” He says with his usual exuberance channeled into a shitty French accent which might indicate that he’s only heard one French person speak in his entire life, which was actually the case. “It is I! The incredible Phantom Thief: Mulligan! Your new hero, here to steal the hearts of the Bay’s citizens! Tell me!” 

As he says this, he vanishes in a puff of orange fog. 

“Have I done a good job?!” Giovanni yells… a lot quieter than he seemingly thought through, because his voice was coming from the third story window of the PRT building, where he is dramatically posing while twirling his cane, his back turned to the cameras.

Unsurprisingly, everyone loves it, even if most of them didn’t actually hear what Giovanni said because he teleported too far away. 

Mera puts her face in her hands out of instinct, jabbing herself with the ‘beak’ of her visor. Percy just admires Giovanni’s commitment to his work.

Giovanni then proceeds to spend three awkward minutes walking down the stairs and running back to the stage like it’s not incredibly embarrassing, continuing to pose dramatically like he’s a member of a Japanese Cheer Squad. 

“And last but not least: Dumbstruck!”

Molly’s costume was pretty simple. A baggy looking orange sweater with a thick turtleneck with a light green mute symbol outlined in black on the front and back of it. A skirt in the same green goes a few inches below the knees, covering orange socks and ending in black shoes. A soft, black mantle-cape rests on her shoulders. The hood is down, unable to contain her massive floof. With Molly, they didn’t even bother giving her a mask more than a simple clear-orange face mask with a green mute symbol on it. 

Molly shyly walks out behind the lectern, stepping on the stool so she could see over it to the silence of clicking cameras and whispers.

“W-what’s wrong?” Molly says terrified. “Speechless?”

Molly is glad that Giovanni fed her that line because she couldn’t think of anything better. As soon as people got loud she immediately jumped down and walked over to the other four in line. Molly can’t even begin to comprehend what this would be like if they all had to do their introductions individually. Giovanni, er, Mulligan pats her on the back and shoots her a thumbs up. 

“Now, to explain more about their circumstances…” Armsmaster started…

Giovanni turned off the TV. 

Lounging on the couch of this sizable apartment building, Taylor almost sank into the couch. On either side of her, Spike and Car Crash were politely golf clapping their boss’s introduction. They would be clapping louder, but the neighbors had already gotten onto them when they tried to see just how loud they could crank the volume on their alternate universe TVs. I mean, who knew if they could be used as sonic weapons or something?! Clearly the only way to test this hypothesis was to get all of their friends together on one couch and blast them all with the max volume at once!

Molly had, fortunately, pre-emptively muted the sound, but only around the people. Those poor speakers…

Molly was sitting next to Spike, actually. She wasn’t clapping, still embarrassed about how that whole event had gone. Molly was about the worst person in the world at public speaking. She was taking interpersonal communications classes, emphasis on was, since it’s not like Naven and her friends could just carpool to an entirely different universe or anything. Answering questions on stage in front of cameras like that was mortifying. Thankfully, everyone except Armsmaster had noticed her nerves and leapt in front of questions for her whenever it looked like she was getting stuck.

Still, rewatching the whole thing after the fact was a different kind of embarrassing. Her eyes scanned the rest of the couch. Car Crash and Spike, or Fred and Megan, were both happy for their boss and encouraging of Molly, which was nice, and Giovanni, who was sitting in the chair by himself, the official boss position, was soaking in the praise like a sponge.

Taylor, though…

Something was up with Taylor, but Molly didn’t know what. She was giving Giovanni and Molly suspicious side-glances while she crossed her arms and sunk into the couch. Molly understood what it was like to be the odd one out of the group. It’s been like that at school and it was certain to get worse when she got back now that her class would know she was a Ward. Still, Taylor was a bit…too untrusting. Giovanni had vouched for her, which was a fancy way of saying he said ‘Don’t worry about it!’ while completely ignoring common sense.

Molly’s common sense was telling her that Taylor could be bad news.

Taylor was in a very different headspace. When she had followed Giovanni to his shared apartment for an ‘Evil Meeting’, she was expecting more of…a lair? The place was surprisingly cozy and lived in despite the furniture very obviously being new. Empty pizza boxes and empty plates of what had been surprisingly well-made cookies littered the coffee table, but other than that, very clean. The first time Giovanni had brought her here he had asked her things like ‘Are you okay?’, ‘How can I make you feel more comfortable?’ and ‘Are there any topics you want to avoid?’. He was obviously probing for weakness. Trying to get into her good graces. 

Taylor would not be so easily fooled.

Admittedly, Taylor was nervous. Not only was Giovanni a Ward, but so was this Molly character. Giovanni had already probably found her out if his comments at Winslow were any indication. Taylor was beginning to think this was a setup. The PRT somehow figured out she had powers and had tasked the two newest Wards to try and get her to expose herself! Well, admittedly Taylor hadn’t figured out all the details. Megan and Ben were non-factors, yet the two of them kept trying to get chummy with her. Taylor has been through this song and dance before, though. The instant she opens up they turn on her. Still, better to keep an eye on them than not. 

She had come to this meeting since Giovanni had mentioned that this would be an important occasion, but she was regretting it. Nothing had happened yet! Maybe this whole ‘undercover operation’ was a bust waiting to happen…

Just when those thoughts churned in her mind, Giovanni turned on the lights and ceiling fan, presumably to help his cape billow harder. Giovanni was in some yellow-suit with a red cape, and a boisterous smile on his face.

“Greetings, all! You have the honor of attending the first ever meeting of the Brockton Bay Banzai Blasters! I am your fearless leader, Giovanni Potage, and you have all decided to become the first of my many minions!”

Taylor decided at this moment that she had decided nothing. 

“Now, my senior minions, Car Crash and Spike, know the jist already, but for you two-” He pointed a finger each at Molly and Taylor. “I will explain what being my minion entails.”

Finally , Taylor thought. This is what I’ve been waiting for!

“For starters, it means we will frequently get together to discuss our next dastardly plan of action! Attendance is entirely voluntary: I would be a pretty lousy boss if I didn’t account for people having different availability. Schemes will be decided upon by me, then voted on by you! Any scheme that you don’t want to take part in you will not be forced to attend.”

Taylor was taking notes…literally. She brought along a notepad like a health inspector and was ominously writing every last detail to catch him in some act down the line. When he lied, she would know. Giovanni was just happy to have an attentive new minion.

“Secondly…uniforms! When we go out to commit crimes, all of us will be wearing standard issue uniforms like this one!” He gestures to his own yellow jumpsuit. It doesn’t look bad, per se, but it is pretty garish. I mean, yellow on white is pretty blaring. Taylor is willing to go undercover, but she isn’t willing to get her lanky frame into one of those and then hop in the back of a truck.

““I’m not wearing that.””

Taylor and Molly's eyes met. Molly scratched the back of her head with a sheepish smile. Dissension in the ranks? That could be useful…

Giovanni seemed caught off guard.

“W-well what’s wrong with it?! It’s cool!”

“Boss…it’s not very comfortable looking.”

“I have this thing called shame.”

Giovanni harrumphed.

“Fine! Let’s put it to a vote then! I say we keep the uniforms as is!”

Giovanni glanced to Morgan and Fred expectantly. Molly was onto his tricks though.

“Come on, Morgan, don’t you want to see Giovanni wearing something a bit more fetching?”

Molly was ace, so she didn’t actually know if this is how things worked, but…

“Hey…you’re right! If we change the uniforms, boss will get to use his creativity to come up with an even cooler design! I vote for new uniforms!”

Oh no. That backfired.

“Oh!” Fred shouted. “I so want to see what he’ll come up with, I also vote for new uniforms.”

“Then it’s decided!” Giovanni shouted triumphantly, not even giving Molly and Taylor a chance to vote. “I also want to see what I can do. Glenn from PR didn’t like my idea and shelved the whole thing! Hmph! He doesn’t understand my creative genius! You guys are right! Vincent Murder is back on the menu!”

‘Vincent Murder’? Did he seriously consider that as a hero name? Taylor would never make that kind of mistake. Her costume was only in the conceptual phase at the moment but she knew her costume wouldn’t be as obviously evil as ‘Vincent Murder’.

“As for your minion uniforms, I’ll put together a list of what each of you want from your costumes until we settle on a good-looking uniform. Each of your uniforms will be partially individualized, as is tradition.”

“Why personalize them?” Taylor asked. “That removes a huge tactical advantage we could exploit. By having all of us in the same outfit, we would be able to fool people as to who can do what.”

“A good point.” Giovanni said while rubbing his chin. “But counterpoint! Being a minion isn’t about being a faceless goon. Self expression is always important! I encourage you, my minions, to get creative and have fun with your personalizations. After all: what’s the point of being evil if you aren’t going to have fun with it?”

Taylor glanced at Molly, who met her eyes and just shrugged.

“Well, with that out of the way, we move on to our second point of business: recruitment! You are all fine minions, but if we’re going to take this city by storm, we’re going to need more people to help out! Now, between my Vincent Murder persona and my Phantom Thief Mulligan persona, I’m a bit busy, so I can’t do all of the hiring myself. That’s why, I have a task for all of you!”

Giovanni hopped up on the coffee table, crushing a pizza box and spilling Morgan’s drink all over another. 

“Everyone in this room! By the time of our next meeting, which will be next weekend, I want you to recruit one person to the Banzai Blasters! Once we have enough people…we can begin our first mission!”

“And that mission is?” Taylor asked.

“Ah ah ah~” Giovanni chided his eager minion. “We’ll talk about the first mission when all ten members of the Brockton Bay Banzai Blasters are present, and not a moment sooner!”

Shoot. If Taylor wanted to get more secret information out of this guy, she was going to have to play along. They hadn't done anything illegal yet, so if she wanted to catch them, she was going to need to find someone else to drag along. She couldn’t exactly get a Ward of other hero, Giovanni already knew all of them, and a villain was out of the question. She couldn’t involve her dad with this either.

How was Taylor supposed to find someone to recruit? She glanced at the others, but none of them seemed nervous. Even Molly, the other ‘new’ minion here, seemed like she already had an idea. She was going to have to find someone and somehow convince them to hang out with her and a bunch of sociable teenagers, two of whom were Wards from another dimension. 

This infiltration was going to be more difficult than Taylor thought.

Medhall Tower

One of the biggest buildings in all of Brockton Bay. Tall in stature and spirit, Medhall was one of the few reasons anyone would ever bother going to Brockton Bay. Well, if not also for Panacea, but she couldn’t heal everyone. 

That’s where Medhall came in. It provided the best and most thorough care in the whole of the city that didn't groan or throw chicken wings at you. It had many different medical wings, attached labs and buildings, and even high end-pharmaceuticals. If you weren’t literally dying, Medhall was the place to go.

Well, as long as you were white, that is. It just so happened that on the top floor of Medhall tower, a meeting of Empire Eighty-Eight was just beginning to get underway. As Brockton Bay’s local Nazi organization, it was a well-kept secret among the capes that the group’s leader, Kaiser, was secretly Max Anders, owner of Medhall, and very rich shoulder-rubber with the United States elite. As he sat at his chair at the head of the table, sword-helm firmly in place and classic villainous finger-steeple, he gazed over his lieutenants.

Krieg, his ever reliable right hand and the shackle of his father’s legacy. Kaiser had to watch him the closest, since he was no-doubt reporting to his superiors in Gesellschaft. The man was like one of those Japanese wee-a-boos he had heard about, with his constant improper use of German in everything he said. He sounded like someone had watched South Park during their teenage years and let it influence his entire personality. For all that he was capable of forethought and strategy, Krieg was insufferable. Listening to the man talk about his political opinions in broken German, and being the only one who could actually understand what he was saying, was a nightmare, but he was great at killing and maiming minorities, so he had earned his place. 

Hookwolf, his ferocious left hand and the bane of Kaiser’s PR existence. Oh sure, he was the main source of gang-members, foot soldiers, and people willing to commit hate crimes for no other reason than ‘passion for the cause’, but he was also a birdcage bound lunatic with a penchant for maiming people, recklessly killing, and overall making Kaiser’s job of gaining legitimacy an impossible task. Kaiser was of half a mind to think that his Birdcage order got expedited because the idea of a Nazi chainsaw murdering people in what is effectively a superpowered fursuit was offensive to the conspicuously rich furries who attended the wealthy business events.

Purity, who swears she’s a hero, was sitting on the opposite end of the table, glaring at Kaiser. She was always invited to these meeting because, despite the fact that she and her two pets Night and Fog weren’t ostensibly part of the Empire, Purity could gaslight herself like nothing else. She would constantly tell herself how she was changing, yet as long as Kaiser asked her to hurt or kill minorities who happened to be criminals, she would fall in line with the rest of them, especially since Kaiser could very easily take custody of her children. It was all very tragic, but the enthusiastic double-digit murders she pulled off when she showed up were all her.

The rest of the table was filled with other notable people. Victor, Othala, Stormtiger, Cricket, Panzer and Crusader. All people worthy of his consideration to be here. Victor was essential in propaganda and recruitment, Stormtiger and Cricket the perfect people to have around during raids and other violent acts. Crusader was a perfect scout and assassin, while Panzer was a perfect counter to large groups and could cause communication blackouts. Every cape was lent to a specific purpose, efficiently maximized to ensure the success of his Empire.

All except the two standing by his sides.

Fenja and Menja were ostensibly members of the Empire. They were known as Kaiser’s bodyguards, two women who could grow not only in size but in durability, with attacks all scaling in severity relative to how large they became. They were relatives of Heith Anders, Kaiser’s first wife who had died in a skirmish with the Teeth. Both Fenja and Menja have the same power, and are a perfect example of twins who triggered with identical abilities.

Except they weren’t.

Unbeknownst to Kaiser, while Fenja triggered with the ability the twins are known for, Menja triggered with a power-copying Trump ability. As long as Menja stayed close to a parahuman she designated as her target, she gained a few abilities. Firstly, she gained the parahuman ability of whomever she was copying, but at a cost. You see, parahuman powers don’t simply want to be used, they want to be used creatively. Doing the same thing over and over is a great way for your shard, like Leet’s, for example, to start trying to kill you. However, shards aren’t always perfectly configured. Menja’s shard, when it was configuring itself for the current cycle, wanted to ensure that its theme of becoming someone else wasn’t wasted on one person for the host's lifespan, and so implemented a restriction wherein its host would suffer incredible pain and injury if it untransformed after copying someone for too long. This was meant to encourage the host to switch up who they copied more frequently. The punishment had a cap, of course. It wouldn’t do to kill the host needlessly, after all. The promise of pain was meant to discourage her from staying as one person too long.

But Nessa didn’t know that.

Nessa wasn’t even related to Jessica! Nessa Oshborne was born in Wisconsin, and had flown out to Brockton to meet up with her bestie she met and flirted with on Wizard101. She was a capital N Nerd, and she admired everything about Jessica. How outgoing and carefree she was, her kindness, her fit and healthy body. To say she was an even mix of attraction and envy would be an understatement. She used to have short, disheveled black hair, a face full of freckles, and the overall look of someone who never went outside.

Unfortunately, she was also gay, and went to meet her friend who lived in a Nazi neighborhood. When she was being hauled off the street for some Nazi teenager’s initiation, they mocked everything about how she looked and acted. For someone who never went outside, and who had finally worked up the courage to meet her Life-Wizard bestie in person, the torrent of slurs and hatred just made her wish she could have been like Jessica. When she got to the abandoned warehouse, Jessica was there. When she saw her best friend there, she triggered, her power copying Jessica as she slaughtered the Nazis who had kidnapped her. 

Jessica was horrified, but when her best friend explained herself, she did some soul-searching and decided that she would never let her down ever again. She had some paperwork forged to prove Nessa was her twin, and helped nudge Heith into being reckless against the Teeth so she wouldn’t notice the inconsistency. Nessa has been Jessica for four years, pretending to be her twin sister so she could be safe, and because she never wants to lose her very personal connection to the love of her life. Partially because she knows from early experimentation that her power injures her more the longer she stays copied. She's terrified of copying anyone else and convinced that if she stopped copying Jessica, she would die. She also stays as Nessa because it lets her use the other major benefit of her power. 

They can communicate telepathically as long as Nessa is copying Jessica. 

Despite Nessa’s intense discomfort being a nominal member of E88, Jessica’s comforting presence on her mind helps her deal. It helps that they never actually do anything other than pretend to hang off Kaiser’s manlet little arms. They are waiting for their moment to overthrow E88, but as powerful as they are, they can’t act openly against E88 without Gesellschaft sending over their capes to kidnap them for their breeding farms. They've seen it happen.

That said, that doesn’t mean they can’t have some personal fun while standing around.

“Greetings.” Kaiser says, leaning back in his lifted chair. “We have some business to discuss.”

“It is I!” Nessa mockingly repeated while looking like the picture of loyalty. “The world’s most famous crossbreed of Adolf Hitler and Napoleon Bonaparte!”

“Oh my god!” Jessica replied telepathically while standing at attention. “Kaiser is totally Lord Farquad!”

“No way! Farquad at least has the chin game on lock! Besides, Farquad got eaten by the Dragon, and that hasn’t happened to Kaiser yet!”

“Key word being ‘yet’. Oh my god, do you ship it? Kaiser/Lung?”

“K-Kenta-senpai! Not so rough!”

“Aahahahahaha! Oh my god he would totally kill you!”

“I’ve written the fics already! Posted them on my alt just to ruin his reputation a little more.”

“Kaiser is totally the bottom.”

“Oh of course! He couldn't top a sandwich at Subway with written instructions.”

“The first order of business.” Kaiser began, unaware of his two trophy-wife amazon garden gnomes telepathically cackling like a couple of teenagers. “Is of course, planning a prison break for Alabaster.”

“Puh-lease! His proper name is Pasty-Face!”

“Funnel Cakes! He got that donk, don’t he?”

“Morton Manhunter! He’d get so salty about that one”

“Bay-Max!”

“Greg Heffley!”

“Pillsbury Snow-boy!”

“Peabody!”

“ Thanks to our informants, we already know the route he’ll take. Hookwolf, I’m tasking you and yours with his breakout. Do minimize casualties if you can. We don’t need a ton of heat at the moment.”

Hookwolf ran a hand through his greasy fucking hair and just shot Kaiser a grin.

“Why do you think Kaiser puts up with Greasy McFurball?”

“I mean, Kaiser like, goes to a ton of those events for rich people and shit. Furries probably don’t even phase him anymore.”

“Oh my god, so true! Do you think Kaiser had to improvise a fursona!”

“OH MY GOD!”

“He probably just copied Brad’s. He’s not creative enough to make a good one.”

“Hi. I’m Max Anders, and my fursona is a Fennec Fox named Sixa.”

“SIXA! Bestie stop!”

“Nah, I’m cookin’!”

“Stop, I’ll laugh! I will!”

“Max leans over to some bitch at a high-society party: ‘Want me to show you Sixa~?’” Whips out a fox tail with a butt-plug on the end!

Menja and Fenja show a smile of satisfaction. This is why Hookwolf likes them: They approve of his violent tendencies, but they don’t feel the need to advertise it. He knows what side they would fall on if it came down to it.

“More pressingly, there is the matter of the new heroes. All four, to be precise. Victor, if you will.”

“Ahem. The problem is less their individual strength and more their number and what they mean for our movement. The simple fact of having more of them to throw around means the Protectorate and PRT can more effectively plan operations into our territory if they so choose. For this reason, we will be looking for Glasswork and Watchtower’s first patrol, and we will be making an example to them. Play by our rules, or not at all. Crusader, Panzer, this is up to you.”

“Okay, but can we talk about how great Glasswork looked in that fit. Seriously, she can work it.”

“Watchtower though! I want her to give me a speeding ticket just so I can look at her in a suit.”

“Do I ship it?”

“No way, the Q&A, remember, Watchtower is like, Ace.”

“Right! Do you think Glasswork is too?”

“She’s like, Mega-Tsundere. Anything else is speculation.”

“What’s more.” Victor continued. “This is all to help after the PR disaster that was some idiot recording and uploading that fight from the Jewelry Store. Alabaster is a laughingstock right now.”

“Caucasian Casper!”

“Wooly Mannoth.”

“Don’t even tangentially insinuate that Whitey Tightey guy is similar to Woolie.”

“Sorry, you’re right.”

“More importantly, Earth Lexis. The entire history of Earth Lexis is narratively disastrous for us. Their world doesn’t have anywhere near the same level of discrimination, and the more they talk about it, the more people might begin to think twice about us as a legitimate option.”

“Oh my god, you mean people don’t like Nazis?! I never would have guessed.”

“It’s almost like a movement defined more by the people it excludes than who it includes is bound to be unpopular, imagine that!”

“It’s like they haven’t played DOOM! Or like, any video game!”

“It’s U&L’s fault. I’ll have an easier time coming out as gay than coming out as a gamer.”

“For real! Like, they will make a beautiful husband and wife if they just leave everyone else out of it, but they gotta like, show off all the time!”

“Husband and wife?”

“Yeah! Leet’s a total egg. Did you watch their Yoshi stream? Uber dressed as Yoshi, and Leet dressed up not as a Yoshi egg, but a Birdo egg. Birdo! The most trans-coded nintendo character I can think of! Plus, like, have you seen her talk about her thigh-high collection? Her stuffed animals? Her favorite Nintendo character? Vivian from Thousand Year Door! The bitch has a Webkins account! If she’s not a girl, I don’t know what a girl even is! It’s so well known that one of their channel emotes is a Leet-Egg.”

“Oh my god, you’re right. Back off, Empire! You can’t criticize their relationship because they’re a straight white couple!”

“LOOOOOL”

“We need to shut them up, for good if necessary. Fortunately, Rune should be moving in next week, so we can still present ourselves as a growing part of Brockton Bay for the foreseeable future. That being said, we will need to make a demonstration. The Merchants are on the rise, and we don’t have much manpower to spare. Krieg, Othala and I will make an incursion into their territory to try and rough them up, but leave enough around that we can easily use them for propaganda. If we actually took them out and got rid of their drugs, it would be good for our own drug selling, but keeping them around gives the people of Brockton a reason to think we are a better, necessary alternative.”

“That whole Herron Clan business fucking sucks.”

“Yeah, now the Mississippi inbreeders have actual superpowers to breed for. Eugh. Othala, bless her heart, definitely deserves better than Victor.”

“Hopefully Rune isn’t some die-hard. It would be nice to get some more estrogen in the room to round out all the fucking man-smell in here, but it would be nice if we could pull the old Whirlygig special and get her pointed in a different direction.”

“I’m so glad we hooked her up with Faultline on the sly. Poor girl definitely would have been sent to one of the camps for disobedience if we didn’t.”

“We have plans to make a larger statement. The young one, Dumbstruck, is a big problem for a lot of reasons. She is about as PR friendly as a ****** can get. Stars in her hair, button eyes, a cute costume, shy, and friends in high places. We can’t just kill her like we did with Fleur back in the day, because her being from another world would make this the Protectorate’s problem, and we can’t handle the Triumvirate if they come down on us like a hammer. We’re going to have to arrange an ‘accident’ that can’t be traced back to us.”

“Like, is Victor talking about killing a child? For a guy named Victor that’s a pretty big L.”

“Oh my god, we’re gonna have to go, like, waaaay overtime. I can feel it already.”

“The details of the accident will be arranged at our next meeting, just be sure to act like it’s a surprise when it happens. We need as much plausible deniability as we can get. Her first patrol she’ll be left alone, lull her into a false sense of security. Krieg is calling in a favor to get some tinkertech shipped over to make this easy, but in the meantime, don’t tip anyone off.”

“Bestie, you know what I’m thinking?”

“I know bestie. Girlfriend. Wifey. We have to stop this! That girl is like a teddy bear, an RL stuffed animal. If anyone touched a hair on her head I’d kill everyone in this room but not myself because I love you.”

“I love you too, bestie. Let’s fucking sabotage all of this shit!”

Kaiser and Victor kept droning on about gang movements and drug shipments for a while before the meeting adjourned, Nessa and Jessica still standing at attention, not letting a single plan show on their face.

“I’ve got some calls to make. See you at home, bestie.”

“You two, roommate!”

Fenja and Menja returned to their civies and walked home together, plans spinning in their head, and nothing on their faces. 

“Ugh.”

Mera fell back into her soft, memory foam bed. This had been a long day, and she was ready for it to be over. Her body ached in a few places, and her headache from answering so many stupid questions about her power had her in a bad mood. 

“Now now.” Percy said good-naturedly. “I understand that this situation is frustrating, but all things considered we’ve gotten ourselves into quite a good place. Armsmaster, Dragon and the rest of the Protectorate have been nothing but gracious.”

“I know that!” Mera groused. “And maybe that’s what you want, but I never wanted any of this!”

“I am sorry.” Percy said while doing the dishes. Percy and Mera had been living together for a few reasons. Mera’s Epithet Bleed meant she would gradually damage the place she lived in, while Percy’s Epithet let her repair damage to structures, so that was a natural fit. At the same time, Percy wanted to keep an eye on Mera, seeing as she is a criminal. Mera complained about it, but secretly appreciated how Percy would do most of the chores without complaint.

“Look, I just want to go home. All this PR stuff and heroism? I’m doing it because it’s here. I just want to go home.”

“Are you sure? I think you should keep an open mind. Heroism and galavantry can be quite rewarding.”

“I just want to not live in pain anymore.”

Percy frowned.

“While it is true, after a fashion, that your power isn’t especially well suited to a cozy and heroic life, I would not despair. Think of the humble plumber. The work they do is but one small part of a larger whole. A house without plumbing could hardly be called livable. I would liken myself to a carpenter or builder. I work to maintain and uphold the foundation, but I am not better than the plumber. We must all work together to build a livable home.”

“So you’re saying my power is shit?”

“Please. Don’t swear.” Percy said, completely deadpan. “And no. I mean to say that your power might have uses that we can’t see right now. You got a new ability as well, did you not?”

“I did.” Mera admitted. It felt nice to get stronger, even if her new ability was a bit niche.

“And that makes you happy.”

“I guess…”

“Then think of it this way: As a hero, you will get to fight more people, and then you will get stronger.”

“I- ugh, it’s not that simple. If I get stronger, my Epithet Bleed gets stronger.”

“Then do you want to get stronger or remain as you are?”

“I want this power. I can’t just not use it now! I’ve worked to hard, sacrificed too much to get here!”

Percy paused by her bed.

“Then I am afraid I do not know how to help you. All I can offer is a shoulder, should you need it. My new shoulderpads have, indeed, made them stronger, so they would be an excellent respite.”

Percy proceeds to, without taking off her Sweet Jazz uniform, get onto her bed and blankets, rest her head on her pillow, and close her eyes.

Mera just sighs, her iris going pearlescent as a crack appears on the window of their small house. She would never admit it, but she misses Indus. Bad. She’s a hero, sure, and Indus would approve of that, but Mera still isn’t sure about this whole thing. It feels like a whirlwind of events is unfolding and Mera is just getting pulled along for the ride. It sucks.

The Arsene Amulet is missing. Indus is in jail. Mera is stranded on a death-world, Now she has to be a hero when she’s the one who needs protecting? It’s almost a bad joke. Molly and Giovanni are taking to it like a fish to water, even Percy is, but not Mera. Sure, Armsmaster and Dragon have said something about looking for a way to get them home, but who knows if they’ll succeed, if they do at all.

It’s hard to plan your future when you can’t even know if you’ll be here for very long. 

Still, maybe Percy had a point. It’s not like it would be smart to just run off and join a gang or whatever. What are the odds they could get her home? Basically nothing. At least the Protectorate has the resources. Mera still can’t see it though. Can’t see herself as a hero. She can literally destroy anything she touches. 

How the hell is she supposed to help anyone?

How the hell is she supposed to help herself?

Mera just looks at Percy’s sleeping, T-pose self, droops her eyelids, and gently pulls her soft blanket up to her neck. 

She’ll think about it tomorrow.

Chapter Text

The Docks. The smell of old industrial equipment carried on the wind as the sound of waves could be heard in the near distance. It was far from the nicest part of town, but with the collapse of Brockton Bay's shipping industry, it was far more sparsely populated than it had been in the past. People who lived here did so either because the run down part of town was cheaper, because they used to work here back when there was more work, or because it was the best place to go if you wanted to lay low.

A place for criminals…as well as the unlucky sort.

"You know, kid, when you said you were cursed, I thought you were joking."

Sitting in the passenger seat of an unmarked white sedan with smoke coming out of the hood, a middle-aged PRT officer leaned back with a wry smile on his face.

In the driver's seat, Fred Donaldson, also known to his friends as 'Car Crash', merely groaned.

"I'm like, sixty percent sure our world has actual curses…sixty-five percent."

The officer laughed. Fred just whined even harder.

Fred Donaldson had asked for a lift over to the docks so he could look for a fresh recruit, but since he doesn't technically have a driver's license yet, the PRT thought to send him with a chaperone who did. Even if something happened the man could just claim to be his father teaching him how to drive. That, and it helps that the Docks were the best place he could think of to both learn to drive and look for a new minion.

Merchant territory was the most obvious place to go. A back-street in an abandoned part of town was exactly the kind of place the boss would appreciate getting minions from, and compared to their competition, the Merchants didn't seem as bad. Despite their head in the drug trade, they didn't discriminate, and only seemed joined together by a love of money and recreational drugs. It was better than the murder and hate crimes the other gangs got up to, and surely one ganger would jump on the opportunity for a cleaner and more casual gang environment.

"Tell you what, kid." The officer said while Fred just died on the inside knowing how much his friends were going to tease him. "I'll just walk back to that coffee shop, call in the tow truck, and bring you back something to cheer you up, okay?"

"Okay… thanks, man."

"No problem. Though, uh, you might be taking the bus in the immediate future. I'm still not sure how you broke this one."

Fred bemoaned his fate as the officer let out another chuckle before walking away from the car. Fred just leaned back in the driver's seat stressed out about how the trip had already gone so wrong.

Truth be told, Fred Donaldson was extremely nervous about the whole 'recruitment' ordeal. He's not antisocial, far from it! Part of the reason he joined the Banzai Blasters in the first place was to make friends. He's a bit of a people pleaser and he knows it, so having people to help out makes him happy. Like Taylor! Sure, she's a bit frosty, but she had recommended some excellent books that he was really enjoying reading in the afternoon, like those Dr. Seuss books she had given him. He liked those a lot, even if they made him rhyme in his head on accident.

As Fred waited for his ride to get towed, he noticed a truck that was tearing the road. It was big. It was loud. And behind the wheel was a woman who looked decidedly proud. The blonde wore a tank top two sizes too small. Why, the rips in her jeans showed no shame at all! Her bomber jacket and tools were her cleanest additions, which were quite the reverse of her scrapheap's emissions. And her truck was a ramshackled cobbled old junker, a spiketastic fantastic yet terrible clunker. As it screamed down the road it spewered and sputtered, and the shops in its wake had their windows all shuttered.

It pulled on up quick and then stopped with a start. Then she rolled down her windshield with some words to impart.

"Hey kid, I'll give you a thou for the car."

Her voice was shockingly deep. Fred wasn't someone who was afraid to talk to strangers, but he also has a tendency to panic at times.

"N-no, uh, this isn't mine."

The woman smiled.

"Aw, did you crash your momma's car?"

"No!" Fred said. The idea that he had crashed his mother's car was outrageous! He had already crashed all but one car his family used, and he was determined to save that car the same fate. "This is, uh, a loaner?"

The woman bent forward, showing off a socially unacceptable amount of skin that was dappled in grease stains the size of chicken strips. She smiled like a snake that had just spotted a helpless little bunny in the clearing.

"What's a nice looking guy like you even doing on this side of town?"

Said helpless bunny thought the snake was just being friendly.

"O-oh, uh, no. I was, uh, recruiting."

The blonde blinked.

"Evil recruiting."

The woman stifled a chuckle.

"You Empire?"

"N-no! I'm from Earth Lexis!"

"Lexis, huh? Wasn't that on the news? Those capes?"

The woman looked at him with an appraising glance.

"I'm with them, but like, not a cape. I don't have any special abilities other than crashing cars, apparently." Fred sulked.

"So you're telling me…that you are from another world, and that you have chronic car troubles?"

"...yeah. I'm pretty sure I'm cursed or something."

"Bullshit." The woman said. "You ain't cursed. Curses aren't real."

Fred stared at her, a deadpan expression on his face. He gently patted the steering wheel of the sedan. With incredible timing, the car dropped another two inches as all the tires popped at once. The hubcaps all popped off and rolled away in different directions. A small explosion went off as the hood popped up. A smile fire basically just manifested on the back of the car.

"...I'm never wrong. You ain't cursed. Hell, Skidmark thinks he's cursed to never be able to curse, but in actuality I just built an invisible car that follows him around and censors over him with loud noises from a soundboard."

"...why did you do that?"

"That man is like, the world's most proficient lex-offender. Get it?! God I'm a fucking genius. Anyways, get out of the car I'm proving to your face that you ain't cursed."

"Nah, I'm good."

"I got some fucking peppermints in here. come on. Don't waste my time, pretty-boy."

Fred just blubbered for a second before composing himself.

"W-No! Stranger Danger! The boss says that anyone who pulls up in a suspicious vehicle offering you candy is a certified creep and should be refused. So no, strange grease-woman, I will not get into a car with you."

"Okay, first off, my name is Sherrel Bailey, not 'grease-woman'."

"Oh, sorry." Fred said genuinely apologetic.

"No, it's cool. Secondly: I wasn't asking."

Sherrel pressed a button on her dashboard, making a ring like an egg-timer. A slot opens up in the roof of her truck, and coming out of the back is a large white gloved extendo hand. It reaches into the sedan, grips Fred like a child would manhandle a McDonald's toy, then yanks him into the truck.

"Hey, anyone asks, I kidnapped you. It's cool."

"You ARE kidnapping me! Aren't you worried about the curse?!"

"Nah, kid. I'm doing this to prove your weak-sauce excuse for a 'curse' isn't real. And to get you some driving lessons. I mean, hey, you get the day off!" Sherrel shouts into the back of her deathtrap of a vehicle.

"Oh yeah!" Fred shouted, a sudden surge of confidence hitting him. "If my curse is so fake, then bet on it! If you're wrong, you have to join the Banzai Blasters!"

"Bet's on, kid. I'm never wrong!"

"And if I'm wrong, I'll join the Merchants?"

"The Merchants aren't real."

Fred just…blue screens.

"B-but they said the Merchants were like, a big gang!"

"They did?! That worked?!" Sherrel exclaimed like it was the funniest thing in the world.

"W-what worked?"

"See, E88 was sticking it's noses in my business for being a sexy pretty white bitch in their town with my badass cars and shit, right? Join or die shit. So I made some more invisible RC cars to spread rumors about there being a gang."

"B-b-but, the gang colors! The signs! The reports! The captured members!"

"It's called Astroturfing, long john, and this here is MY Astro-turf! Once people started hearing about the Merchants, they actually fucking started showing up to places. I started posting like, flyers and shit, and people will just fucking go to the fucking hangout spots like little drug-sniffling lemmings! Drug dealers heard about it, and started showing up to hock goods, and now they're full-on criminals! It's hysterical, and practical! Now, I get flunkies to get shit from the junkyard for me, and no one bothers me! I'm a fucking genius!"

"Does it not at all concern you that your lie started an entire gang?"

"Just means I got that extra villainous cred~! Tell you what, when you lose, you can be my personal minion, sweet cheeks."

"...I want an adult."

"I AM an adult, and so are you kid. I'm no Penelope Pitstop, I'm Dick fucking Dastardly! Prepare to eat shit string bean!"

Sherrel turned on an obnoxiously loud boyband to drown out his cries for help, revved her car so loud it was probably illegal, reared the entire truck back like it was a roadhog doing a wheelie, and rocketed down the road leaving a comically large trail of smoke in her wake.

…

"Hey, Fred! Sorry that took so long, you shoulda heard that lady's order in-"

The PRT officer walked up to the wrecked as shit white sedan holding two coffee cups, one in each hand. The only sound on the street was the gentle fire on the back of the car, and the gently wobbling hubcap in the middle of the road.

"...that kid is DEFINITELY cursed."

Morgan sat at a bench in the mall in her casual clothes. Her red beanie held back her hair for the task ahead. In her lap, a Quiznos sub. Meatball. She guarded it zealously. She has learned from her previous mistake. No geese would enter the mall to interrupt her meal this time. Malls were also excellent places to meet people, so technically, she was multitasking! Giovanni would be so proud of her!

It was a beautiful weekend too! People of all shapes and sizes were out and about, shopping and gabbing in equal measure! Morgan ate about half of her sandwich before she got impatient and walked into a store at random. Something called 'Hot Topic'. When Morgan walked in, she didn't see the varieties of hot sauce she expected. Rather, the shelves were lined with Pink, Black, and Pink-Black clothes with garish and stylish designs in equal measure. A more cynical and wizened citizen of Brockton Bay might rightfully assume that this store only still stood because the Neo-Nazis got too much secondhand embarrassment from even approaching the store to consider entering it, even with the intent to vandalize. It took herculean will or an absolute lack of shame to enter this hall.

Like the two people at the clothing rack in front of her.

"Bro, come on! It's not that expensive!"

The young woman looked only a few years younger than Morgan, and looked like her outfit was scientifically designed to be as eye-catching as possible. It showed more skin than was probably appropriate, but it didn't really matter when the distastefully gaudy colors of her short-shorts and tank top drew the eye instead. For most people, looking at the terrible color palette of her outfit would be like taking LSD, putting on a pair of disposable 3D glasses, and then watching an episode of Paw Patrol.

Morgan, however, thought none of this.

"Woah, your outfit is cool!" She said, unable to contain herself.

The girl turned, holding a bright pink shirt with black and white striped sleeves that said "I Identify as a fucking problem" on the front.

"See!" The girl complained to her brother. "It's a cool shirt! I should totally get it!"

"Aisha…" The older brother, a solid six foot three, chiseled, handsome young man with tight braids, pinches his nose in exasperation. Compared to her outfit, which is an active offense against God, he is wearing a downright pedestrian red T-shirt, cargo pants, and a black leather jacket.

Brian Laborn, secretly the supervillain Grue, was having a weird week. The boss had gone radio silent and Lisa, their liaison, had no idea why. He was stressed over the idea that he wouldn't be able to get custody of Aisha, whom he loves enough to willingly enter a Hot Topic for even as his hyper masculine self. He set aside some time this week for a potential smash and grab, but since the boss hadn't asked, he instead, like a regular A+ big brother, decided to use his now free day to take Aisha out shopping.

"Aisha, please. Have some shame…" He almost moaned as he took passive damage from the rack of very pseudo-edgy clothes next to him.

"Bro, you just don't get style! Me? I get style. I'm a fashionista! Besides, this shirt tells people exactly how much of a problem I am! That's like, a public safety thing!"

"Oh man." The strange, sharp toothed woman next to Aisha said as they bit into their sandwich and then continued talking with their mouth full. "You're a problem? What'sh your pronounsh?"

"She/Her, but if you mess with the best, your pronouns are gonna be was/were!"

"Aisha…" Biran laments before turning to the newcomer. "Look, uh…"

"Shpike!" The woman says cheerfully, accidentally spitting crumbs on his leather jacket. Brian suppresses a shudder.

"Look, Spike. I'm glad you're friendly, but whether or not we buy the shirt is up to my allowance, so I would appreciate it if you minded your o-"

"Hey, Spike! Can I have a bite of your sandwich!"

"Sure!" Spike says as she finishes her current mouthful. She holds her hand bearing the sandwich out and Aisha just bites into it.

Brian can't suppress that shudder.

"As I was saying." Brian says aggressively. "This is a family day, and I'm not made of money either."

"Oh!" Spike says, hammering a fist into her open hand, forgetting that she still had like the tail end of a sandwich in her grip. It uncomfortably splatters sauce on the surrounding clothes. The goth man behind the cash register notices, but decides he doesn't care and goes back to listening to his music loud enough on his earbuds that it can be heard from across the store.

"So if I buy the shirt, I can join the family day?"

"No." "Yes!"

Brian and Aisha lock eyes. Aisha gives her older brother a big, stupid smile than anyone else would find menacing, but Brian just finds himself endeared by.

"...fine." He relents. The girls cheer and hug like long lost friends.

This, Brian thinks, is going to be a long day…

Finally, Brockton Bay. Home of the largest gathering of true Americans in the entire country. It's been a tough road getting here since breaking out of juvie, but I could finally lend my power to the people who see through the lies of the melting pot.

Truthfully, it wasn't easy getting here. Oh, sure, traveling via a floating car was riding easy, but it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows. Especially, DEFINITELY not rainbows. You don't tend to notice it, but there are shit-tons of signs and billboards that seem tailor-made to distract you! It's fucking crazy! I crashed my car like five times, and at least three of those were that stupid Natalie Portman billboard distracting me! It fucking sucks. Okay, not fucking, I'm not a dyke, despite the fact that the billboard is so obviously designed to bait lesbians into watching her latest movie, but I'm strong, pure. I won't stoop to degeneracy just to get my rocks off or whatever.

Eventually I had to steal a new car after I crashed my old one directly into the side of a casino because of some dumb les-bait out front in some skimpy-ass top who was kissing her girlfriend. I swear to god she was trying to get me to crash by distracting me. This is the problem with the world: too many fucking gay women out thinking it's okay to dress like skanks twenty-four seven. Because of those stupid bitches, my new car that I had to steal didn't have any air conditioning because it was an old, beat-up motherfucker. Managed not to crash this one though, so that's nice.

My contact with the Empire, some bitch named Spintuwin, told me that the best way to get in touch with the Empire was to go to some old restaurant called Katie's Steakhouse at precisely 5:30 this Wednesday dressed to impress. After sneaking into a JCPenny to steal a dress, I was kitted out in a simple red cocktail dress, but fuck if I was putting on heels or some shit. I knew that the Empire would want to see that I was committed to the ideal of the cause, but not stupid enough to wear shoes I couldn't run in. It's not like I couldn't walk in heels or anything, but that was totally besides the point!

Walking down the boardwalk I was getting appraising looks from every available suitor. I definitely did not blush when some blondie I passed by gave a cute as shit smile and said I looked pretty. Pretty soon she was gonna learn not to mess with me, even if she didn't know it.

Katie's diner was a simple looking place, though moderately upscale. School was just letting out, so it was pretty busy. If I remember right, Spin told me to look for two blondes, presumably Fenja and Menja, and to play along when I got here. Looking over the busy restaurant, I saw them. They were impossible to miss.

Sitting in a small u-shaped booth were four people. One was some tall, balding loser of a middle-aged man. Next to him was a tall girl about my age with curly black hair, wide lips, a thin nose, and a very closed off posture. Her clothes were baggy and bland, but here eyes looked dangerous. She was already looking at me, even when I first walked in. It sent a wave of…definitely fear down my spine.

Of course, across from them were two conservatively dressed blondes, and holy shit if I didn't know they were Empire beforehand I would have definitely pegged them as dykes. They were holding hands, smiling, and were incredibly attractive…objectively speaking. It was clear why Kaiser would take these two as hangers on. One of the two noticed me standing by the entrance and waved me over.

Okay. Time to act natural!

"Oh my god, she's totally gay."

Nessa and Jessica watched as Tammi very obviously ogled them for a solid minute from where she stood before they finally decided to have mercy and wave her over.

"Nessa, how the fuck did you guess that she was gay before we even met her?"

"I'm just the fucking GOAT, that's how."

"Bullshit."

"Okay, fine. I asked her who her favorite character was from Avatar, the good one, and she said Azula."

"Okay, but, that's like, objectively the correct answer."

"Like, sure, but then I asked what her favorite anime was as a kid, and she said Sailor Moon."

"Okay, we're getting warmer, but not all the way there."

"It WAS a guess. I'm just glad calling our old friend here paid off. His daughter totally has those Azula vibes, you know."

"Oh for sure! She's gonna grow up into a sexy evil librarian or something."

Tammi finally walked over after awkwardly shuffling around a group of laughing women in the center of the room. She was looking at the booth with her eyes flitting from one space to another, as though not sure where to look.

"Tammi! It's so good to see you!" One of the twins said cheerily.

Tammi's face automatically flushed.

"Danny, Taylor, this is Tammi. She was looking for a place to stay away from her family for a while, and we were thinking your place might be good for her."

"Um! Yes?" Tammi said, having totally known about this the whole time.

"Uh, where do I sit?"

"Well, you can sit next to Taylor, I guess."

"Operation get Rune a date before she gets inducted is a go!" Nessa and/or Jessica thought.

Taylor, unknowing of the complex plot playing out before her, was a bit frustrated. Giovanni's mission was proving to be a challenge. Giovanni had encouraged her to recruit a minion from outside of school if it made her more comfortable, which it did, but he was being remarkably laissez faire about the whole thing. Worse than that, Taylor was pretty terrible about making friends, so she'd stumbled through an awkward week wondering how she was going to manage to stay in the gang at all at this rate.

Her infiltration mission was too important! She couldn't fail at the first step! Taylor had carefully set aside her weekend to go hang out at the library and maybe ask someone there, but her dad had gotten a message from some old friends of his and dragged her along to meet them, effectively ambushing her with this. But…her dad looked so excited about it, and she just couldn't say no.

That said, Taylor wasn't exactly enjoying herself. Her father was, sure, but…this wasn't what she expected when he said he was here to meet old friends.

"Oh my god, so like, you went from being our clan leader in Runescape to having an actual, irl clan!"

"I did! Though a union is a very different thing, sadly. No item duplication glitches to abuse here."

"Um, I thought they patched that shit!"

"Way! They did! Also, I'm pretty sure there's a cape with item duplication irl."

"You don't say?"

"I like, so do."

"She does!"

They were…reminiscing about their old Runescape days. Taylor was expecting someone like Kurt or Lacey, not…two absurdly attractive blondes who were gushing over some old as hell game.

Tammi looked just as out of place as Taylor felt, thankfully. The booth they were in was small, and they were already stuffed in, but Taylor was determined to put this stupid job behind her. She scooted in, pushing her dad a little while he was excitedly rambling about his Everquest character.

"What are you waiting for? Sit down."

Tammi's cheeks flushed red. On the one hand, she was wondering why Fenja and Menja would be putting on this charade, but on the other hand, she was grateful that she wasn't sitting next to Fenja and Menja. She didn't want to have some uncontrollable reaction like blushing and get herself kicked out. This Taylor character seemed tame, so she was probably in the clear on that front.

Tammi sat down, but her ass was over half off the seat even with how much they scooted over, and she was too distracted by not ogling Fenja and Menja to notice. She started to slip off and kept having to right herself as her soon-to-be mentors talked about something called a nethack. Were they hackers? That's what that sounded like.

Taylor, watching Tammi slip out of the booth for a third time, just sighed. She reached out, grabbed Tammi by the waist, and pulled Tammi into her lap with surprising strength, pressing her between her body and the table.

Tammi squeaked.

"You should have just said something."

Why didn't Tammi just ask? Loathe as she was to think of her, she used to do this for Emma all the time. Emma was always such a stickler for space, and she felt cramped really easy, so she would always ask Taylor if she could sit in her lap. It's a totally normal thing, Taylor thought.

Well, she may as well make conversation.

"So, uh, where are you from?"

Tammi, who had been buffering for the past thirty seconds straight, snapped out of her haze for a brief moment. She couldn't fail whatever test Fenja and Menja had devised! Even if Taylor was speaking sultry in her ear and holding her close, Tammi was made of sterner stuff. It wouldn't be a sin if it wasn't tempting, after all. Tammi had to pass the test, no matter what! The Empire was her future, so she steeled her resolve and answered with bravery in her heart.

"O-oh, you know…around?" Tammi sputtered.

"Hmmm." Taylor hummed right next to Tammi's ear. Tammi pathetically shuddered as her face went nuclear. People were staring! They'd get the wrong idea! Tammi wasn't gay, no way no how! She was a normal, straight girl who would marry some guy for the tax benefits just like everybody else!

That was it, wasn't it? That was the test. Taylor and Danny being here is a pretext. They're trying to screen her for potential degeneracy! Tammi knew they wouldn't let just any old racist into the Empire! She had her pride as an Aryan to consider. If she wanted her future in the gang, she had to not let Taylor walk all over her!

"T-T-Taylor?"

"Yeah?" Taylor said, unconsciously wrapping her arms around Tammi's waist and holding her tight like she used to do for Emma. Tammi briefly approached Nirvana before remembering her mission.

"I-Isn't this…embarrasing? For you?"

"No." Taylor said completely deadpan. "This is totally normal. I used to do this for my friends all the time."

"Okay, sorry to bother you…"

This was normal for Taylor. She had asked her father if holding Emma in public was weird, and he just responded by telling her it wasn't and that she wasn't weird and that he would support her no matter what. Fat lot of good that did when it came to school.

"Hey, that reminds me." Her father said, snapping her to attention. "Since Tammi is going to stay with us for a few days, we need to work out sleeping arrangements. Sadly, our old inflatable mattress has a hole in it."

"Nice going, Guildmaster!"

"Oh my god, he's so slick!"

Shit. That's what Taylor gets for hiding a statistically significant quantity of spiders inside of it.

"Well Tammi, we've got a couch if you're up for it."

"No. Way!" Nessa spoke up a bit too quickly. "Tammi like, had a dog back home that would heat up her bed! She totally needs that warmth, Danny."

"Oh. Well in that case…Taylor, would it trouble you too much to share a bed with Tammi for a few days?"

Taylor was…a bit annoyed at the idea. Tammi seemed like a shy girl, but that didn't preclude her from being a bad person. The way she leaned back into Taylor like Emma used to brought up uncomfortable comparisons, but at the same time, her dad had explained that Tammi was fleeing unsupportive parents, so it wasn't likely that she would be more than a mild annoyance.

Besides, Emma used to sleep in Taylor's bed all the time at sleepovers, so it was normal.

"I don't mind."

Tammi's face was brighter than a red giant. This was an intense test! No, this wasn't a normal test, it was a hazing! It's the cape equivalent of gang members shaving their heads or getting tattoos to show their commitment to the cause. Well, jokes on them! Tammi could suffer a few days at Taylor's mercy no problem.

"Alright, y'all! Your appetizer."

A waitress came up holding a large plate of mozzarella sticks with marinara on the side.

Taylor 'this is normal' Hebert casually picked up a mozzarella stick and held it in front of Tammi's face.

"Say 'Ah'."

This was going to be harder than Tammi thought…

"No! I refuse to accept this!"

Sherrel Bailey had never seen such bullshit before. Every time, every single time she put this cute guy behind the wheel of any car, ANY car, it would crash at the slightest input. It was insane! The abandoned lot she used for this looked like a junkyard, but it was empty this morning. She had some wannabe gangers carjack her some new vehicles so she could add new safety features. Auto-breaks, self-repair mechanisms, bubblewrap! She had thought of everything! Her tinker power would look at her latest car and tell her 'good job, this one will work!' and then it would break down! She would open up the hood and find bits failing that shouldn't have failed.

It wasn't like Fred was doing this on purpose! She had strapped a camera inside several, and the kid just…destroyed everything he touched! Was he actually, factually cursed?

No. Even asking the question is quitter talk!

"Test number one-hundred and seventeen…start!"

…

"Um…can I go home?"

"No!" Sherrel shouted in outrage. "You may leave when I prove your shitty curse is fake!"

"But…does this even count as a car?"

Fred was awkwardly hunched over, his adult body haphazardly crammed into the red and yellow Little Tykes play car. You know, the ones that would either get played with and inevitably get some child in their first automotive accident or are left out over the winter and invariably get filled with wet leaves and gunk and sit out like the guardian gargoyle of a trailer park.

"I dunno, Fred. Is it a car?! Has it crashed yet?!?!!"

"I uh, it doesn't have an engine? I can't drive this thing." Fred said, matter-of-factly.

"If Fred Flintstone, a literal caveman, can do it, then by God's fat fucking tits you can put the pedal to the metal and drive, Flintstone!"

"Alright, alright! I'll give it a try." Fred grumbled.

Fred had been here all day. Oh sure, he was winning the bet so far, but that didn't mean getting in a record number of automotive accidents was fun. The single Leen Cuisine and bottle of Dasanee wasn't exactly filling. As he wormed his feet into the little hole in the bottom, he finally got a foot through.

Much easier than he was prepared for. He hobbled uncomfortably on one foot like a fucked up flamingo while Sherrel watched with baited breath.

"Come on! This is kid's toy! Those are built to survive fucking Endbringer attacks!"

Fred swiveled, but his other foot was jammed at a bad angle and he couldn't get it out! After a tortuous minute of struggling, he finally got his balance, standing straight on his one leg, only wavering slightly with the wind.

"You didn't crash this one…" Sherrel said proudly and also a moment too soon.

A seagull flew down and landed on top of the car. As soon as it set down, the house of car came tumbling down, and the seagull flew off with a mocking squawk.

Sherrel Bailey, sane woman, pulled a glock out of her pants and shot it.

"Ha..."

"Ow…" Fred said, vainly trying to pull himself out of his baby-carrier of a prison. "Sherrel, can you-"

"Ha! HAHA! AHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!"

"Help…me…out?"

"That's it! Why didn't I think of it sooner!"

The madwoman rushes over to Fred, who's head is sticking out of the driver's window of his prison of plastic.

"You're power! It only makes you crash cars! Break them! But! Butbutbutbutbut! I've been going about this all wrong! I don't need to make you not crash cars! I don't need to make a car that can't be crashed! No! I need to make a car that was designed to crash!"

"Um, that sounds like a bad idea."

"It's a GENIUS idea."

"Wasn't the whole point of this proving my curse wasn't real?"

"This is more than just a game, Fred. This is personal now! When I put you behind the wheel of this thing, ohohoho! Ohohohohohoho~!!!"

Fred was past the point of having bad feelings about this, but that didn't mean he couldn't still feel that sense of mortal terror one might feel when getting strapped into a roller coaster. As Sherrel laughed maniacally and started collecting car parts, Fred gulped. He was worried. If this nice Sherrel lady was so much of a threat to his life to recruit, he had to wonder how hard everyone else was having it.

"Hey Dinah." Molly said, as she was sitting on the bed in the nurse's office.

"Yeah?"

"Wanna join my new gang?"

"...sure!"

"Come on, big bro, give in!"

Brian Laborn, big bro, could not give in. How he had gotten himself into this situation, he would never understand. At the boardwalk, Brian was sitting across from Morgan. Between them? A plate of plain, lukewarm hot-dogs.

They had gathered a large crowd at this point. When Morgan had challenged him to a hot-dog eating competition, he was fully ready to dismiss her. Aisha, his loving and caring sister, had aggressively goaded him and called him a chicken. Now, Brian is a reasonable person and ignored his sister, but then Morgan added stakes.

"If I win, Aisha has to join my gang!"

No. That was Brian's answer. Morgan could only realistically be a Merchant, and that was a no-go for way too many reasons, though the presence of drugs would explain why she acted so strangely.

That said, he saw an opportunity here. Brian Laborn was a large man, and he hadn't eaten today. Meanwhile, Morgan had eaten almost an entire sub, was significantly shorter and thinner than she was, and was brimming with misplaced confidence. Logically speaking, Brian couldn't lose, and if Brian knew anything about Aisha, it was that playing along this one time and winning would get him massive Big Brother cred, which was the only currency Aisha seemed to trade in.

So Brian had agreed.

Brian had not expected their duel to go on for this long, and on second examination, there were several potential reasons why.

Brian was big, sure, but he was on a strict diet to help maintain his muscle and level of fitness. It had been a lazy few days waiting to hear from the boss, and since he was so used to a refined diet, the mishmash meat of a hot-dog and only that meat was both bland as well as a sharp 180 from his usual diet, enough that it upset his stomach.

Secondly…

Morgan, without breaking eye contact, grabbed a hot-dog from the plate and shoved the entire thing in her mouth in one bite, her sharp, shark-like teeth ripping into it like it was a prey animal. She chewed menacingly before swallowing. A wave of cheers from the onlookers sounded around her as she soaked in the applause.

Brian wasn't…intimidated wasn't the right word. Morgan's sheer spiteful energy and unwavering determination was daunting. Even knowing the facts were on his side, he couldn't help but feel his pride as a man was on the line here.

Third…

Brian speared a hot-dog with his fork and brought it up to his mouth.

"Come on! Nice and gentle! Suck it! If you suck the weiner, it'll go down softer. And try not to gag! You hurl you lose"

Aisha, his beloved sister, was excitedly sabotaging him, much to the amusement of everyone watching. Brian wasn't homophobic or anything, but the constant allusion to sucking dick from his sister in front of so many people filled him with shame. Whether it was secondhand embarrassment or personal embarrassment was hard to tell. All he knew was that it was making it harder to stomach each bite. After three healthy bites, he set his fork down.

"Your move."

Morgan grinned a feral, hot dog casing filled grin at him.

Let no one say Brian wasn't in this to win this.

His pride was on the line.

Fred looked up at the contraption in front of him and felt that his earlier roller coaster comment was underselling the dread he was feeling right now.

It had to be said that this truck was a monster. Called the Horrible Crasher Mc-Mega Ensconcer, its chassis could handle a hydrogen bomb, and its deafening peal made him want for his mom. It had trims like a go-kart and reinforced wheels, and a pair of jet engines on the sides of its heels. From the heavy steel pipes came a smell like burnt tire and a pillar of smoke like a forest on fire. Its wheels were the height of a man on long stilts, and the bevy of spikes shook with a lilt. The maven of madness who build the contraption could waste no more time in idle distraction. She tugged at his collar and pulled him with power into what he suspected was his final hour.

"Hey Fred." She remarked with a maniac glee. "Drive this machine and we'll both be home free!"

Fred only despaired as he looked at her treat and was buckled right in to the lone driver's seat. Sherrel sat at his side like a car proctor would as Fred stared out in fear o'er the car's evil hood.

"So." Sherrel said. "Drive."

The over-designed monster truck he was in was about the single most dangerous machine he had ever witnessed in his entire life. He did not want to go anywhere in this thing. Could it even fit down the road?

"H-how? And where?"

"Look, Fred, I made this easy on you! I got you lined up! The road from here to the other warehouse is basically straight! I didn't even install a turning mechanism, so you can't even get mad at me for that! You just gotta go straight, and when you crash, the car will automatically adjust using it's onboard AI! The bumpers around the vehicle are there to prevent wild amounts of damage too!"

"That wasn't as reassuring as you probably meant it."

"And the best part!"

Sherrel leaned over to the dash and pressed a button. Immediately, the seat-belts sprung to life, locking both of them to their seats like a roller coaster ride.

"Seatbelts. Always important."

"Oh."

So Fred couldn't leave. Great.

"So, if I can't turn, how do I drive it? Am I even driving at that point?'

"Sure, even if only by the barest definition of the word. Just press the red button."

Fred looked at the dash and saw two red buttons. One was labeled START with a helpful smiley face emoji under it to emphasize that this was the right button. Right next to it was a button labeled NITRO. It had a skull emoji to denote that this was definitely the wrong button.

"Why did you even add a Nitro button?"

Sherrel scoffed.

"If you're building a car and you don't add a Nitro button, that's just called being a coward."

"Excuse you, I identify as a coward." Fred complained.

"Oh don't be such a baby and press the button already."

"But…"

"Would you rather get caught by the cops?"

"...what?"

"I mean, this thing is leaking smoke like we're burning down Yellowstone. It's only a matter of time before the pigs show up, so the more you pussyfoot around, the more likely we are to go to jail!" Sherrel said cheerily.

Fred thought back to his boss. All the fun times they had had together, and how much Giovanni believed in him.

Do it for him.

He pressed START.

"Come on, bro, you can lose! I believe in you!"

Brian had to give it to Morgan. Even with every advantage stacked against her, she had pushed him further than he had ever thought possible. Brian's stomach groaned and complained about the slurry of meat he was shoving down his gullet. The girl hardly looked phased, so she must have one hell of a poker face as she just smiled toothily at him.

There was nothing for it. He was strong. He wasn't going to give up. Still, as he stared at the hot-dog on his fork, he knew. Some preternatural instinct told him something would happen if he ate this, though he had no idea what.

He glanced over at Aisha, who was standing right next to Ms. Militia who had come by on patrol and was watching with amusement. PR probably told her to be more personable, but it was bad that she was here. If he panicked or used his power without thinking about it, she might notice. Not that Brian was planning to cheat or anything, but it was one stressor on top of the ten billion he was juggling and he didn't know whether it would be the straw that broke the camel's back or not.

He looked again at the hot-dog. He really, really didn't want to eat it.

"You can throw in the towel bro, it's okay!"

"Listen to your sister." Ms. Militia replied, a mirth to her voice. "It's wise to know your limits."

"Hey y'all, it's ya girl, WeenieLyfe, coming at you with an impromptu-"

Oh god. They were recording! He couldn't lose, now more than ever! He'd never live it down!

He had to be smart about this. The more he chewed, the worse it would be. As much as he hated to try it, he had to swallow it whole.

He plucked the weenie from his fork and held it over his mouth.

"Oh, going for the deepthroat strategy, ey bro? Make sure you swallow~"

"Affectionately: shut up Aisha."

Aisha just giggled happily.

He opened his mouth.

""aaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!""

Two screaming voices rocketed past in the loudest car he had heard in his entire life…right as he had dropped the weenie. It got lodged in his throat and Brian immediately started choking.

Ms. Militia immediately took action.

"Anyone here know the heimlich?!"

"I do!" WeenieLyfe said. "I'm a pro at it! I can even self perform!"

"Good." Ms. Militia said. "Help this man. I'm off to pursue the vehicle. It's no doubt Squealer's work, and it sounded like she had hostages. PRT, this is MM-"

Ms. Militia dashed over to her motorcycle, revved it up, and shot off after the runaway vehicle.

The streamer girl leaned down as Brian panicked with an entire hot-dog stuck in his windpipe. She maneuvered around him, got in position, and pulled her arms.

Into his stomach.

Where there were approximately three packs worth of hot-dogs sloshing around.

Brian tried, he really did, but he couldn't stop it.

Brian spewed all over the pavement. The crowd cheered wildly as Brian suffered. WeenieLyfe tried to distract him by pointing out which of his chunks were casings and trying to determine what brand of hot-dog she ate. It just made it even more embarrassing.

Aisha, only after realizing her brother wasn't in mortal peril, cheered.

"BOOYAH! It's gang time, baby! Up top, Morgan!"

Morgan sat stock still.

"Um…Morgan?" Aisha asked worriedly, poking her on the cheek.

Morgan didn't react. Morgan's facial expression hadn't changed.

Morgan had passed out five minutes ago. Morgan was beyond full. Morgan had lost.

But only Aisha knew that right now.

Aisha looked at her brother as strangers filmed him shuddering on the ground next to a pool of his own vomit, and casually moved Morgan so that it looked like she had gone to sleep.

Aisha wasn't a narc. She wasn't saying jack shit.

"Bro~ I told you not to choke on it~!"

Brian banged his head into the ground.

Fred was in Hell.

"How many people have we hit?!" He screamed as they shot down the road sending pedestrians scrambling and knocking cars out of the way like a fucked up game of bumper cars.

"I dunno! None, I think!"

THUNK

"MY LEG!!!"

"THAT'S ONE!" Fred shouted, clutching his seat like a lifeline.

"OH COME ON! THAT WAS A SKINHEAD, THAT'S LIKE, PLUS FIVE POINTS!"

"WE ARE NOT PLAYING THE POINTS GAME!!!"

BOOOM

An explosion rocked the truck, sending them forward into their harnesses before the truck auto-righted.

"What was that?!" Fred screamed.

"Oh shit! It's MM! The heroes!"

"Heroes! Oh nononono! This was supposed to be a normal mission!"

"With ya girl?! NO WAY!"
"Aw Maaaan!" Fred panicked as they cruised down main street.

BOOOOOOM!!!

Looking in the rearview mirror, Fred saw Miss Militia on her motorcycle. She was steering with one hand and aiming a huge grenade launcher with the other.

"God MM looks so fucking sexy like that." Sherrel said flirtaciously.

"Not important! We've gotta stop and explain ourselves!"

"Pull over?! What are you, a weenie?"

"MAYBE!?!?!"

"We ain't pulling over!"

"Come on! The car hasn't crashed yet!"

"Correction: It's crashed like, five times, it just autocorrected. I'm a fucking genius! I did it! I broke your stupid curse!"

BOOOOOOM!!!!

"W-well, then maybe now's the time to cut your losses? I mean, the more we drive, the greater chance the car breaks! Why not stop and secure your victory?!"

"You make a good argument…"

"Please! I'll be a good minion!"

Sherrel smiled a sadistic smile.

"You said it, sweet cheeks. So to stop the car, all you gotta do is press and hold START. Like so!"

Sherrel leaned over to press the START button.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!

The back of the truck rocked into the air from the force of the explosion. Sherrel's finger jerked, pushing in the NITRO button. Fred and Sherrel stopped dead in their seats.

"O-okay I know this looks bad, but this is only half a press, so it won't-"

The rear half of the car slammed back down on the pavement, jolting Sherrel's finger off the button.

"Aw-"

From the back of the truck, two vents opened up, and out popped two ACME sized rocket-looking things. They immediately heated up with an ominous buzz.

"-shit."

PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Faster and faster they truck sped along and quickly the tinker machine went all wrong. At the speed they were going past multiple signs the hull tore apart, although not by design. Like a rocket descending from space in a blur, pieces of car flew behind in a stir. Like erosion the beast lost scale, tooth and claw, leaving even their screams screaming voices most raw. Ten points from some gangers and plenty of scores the machine fell apart even losing its doors, till at last all the engines and boosters detached launching Sherrel and Fred in maniacal laughs. The seats and their seatbelts held firm as they coasted in a warehouse with meth-heads so thoroughly toasted that as the pair blasted in with their skin lightly roasted one man on high on meth laughed as he boasted!

"That's Squealer, the boss! I knew she was coming! Her and her boy-toy are here to start bumming!"

Sherrel and Fred, having skidded to a stop in the middle of this…Merchant party(?), both sat there stunned as their harnesses let out a hiss and raised up.

*Thank you for riding the Death-Coaster! Please come again!* A mechanical voice chirped. Their seat-belts unlatched.

"...Sherrel, did you steal this from an amusement park."

Sherrel leaned back on her still-burning carseat.

"...Iunno."

"Look on the bright side. The car didn't blow up or anything."

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

From right outside the doors they had skidded through, a massive explosion rang out as the remainders of the truck exploded, leaving a massive mushroom cloud over the entirety of Brockton Bay. The Merchants immediately panicked and started running around like chickens with their heads cut off.

"Fred."

"Yeah?"

"Never speak ever again."

"...okay."

"You girls comfortable?"

"Yeah dad." Taylor said in her honey bee jammies. Tammi was in a spare pair of Taylor's pajamas that was covered in butterflies, much like the butterflies holding a free-for-all in her stomach at this very moment.

"All right. I'm probably gonna head to bed early. It's been a long day, but with that explosion down at the docks I'm gonna have a long day ahead of me. I'm a heavy sleeper, but try not to make too much noise. A man needs his beauty sleep."

"Geez, I get it, dad."

"Good night you two."

"Good night dad." Taylor said in a small voice that filled Tammi with gap moe appreciation.

Said dad smiled and shut the door after turning out the light.

It had been an arduous task, Tammi thought. She had gotten distracted staring at Taylor's beautiful hair and serious expression and walked into five separate mailboxes and traffic signs on the way here, but this was important.

After dinner, Fenja and Menja took her aside and told her her mission. She was to become friends with Taylor Hebert 'or more', whatever that meant. I mean, that was pretty easy. Taylor was pretty, tall, attractive, had the cutest laugh, and looked killer in glasses. She also wasn't a skank like all the other girls, she didn't talk about vapid nonsense like clothes or whatever, and she was smart too. She looked tough. Being friends with Taylor was easy.

What wasn't easy was everything else.

"Hey Taylor?"

Taylor was currently using Tammi like a full body hug pillow, wrapped around her in the dark with her eyes closed.

"Yeah?"

Tammi squirmed in place. Strong! Tammi was strong!

"Is this necessary?"

"What?"

"The whole…hugging."

"Of course."

Tammi just blushed and leaned against Taylor. Forget it. She didn't have the mental fortitude to fight this right now.

"Hey Tammi." Taylor whispered.

"Yeah!" Tammi said not panicking in the slightest at the breath hitting her ear.

"I've got somewhere to be this weekend with friends, and I don't want to leave you alone at the house. You uh, wanna come with? I'll introduce you."

Taylor was worried, admittedly, about bringing Tammi, a girl she had just met, with her to an ostensibly villainous place. Tammi seemed nice and innocent, like she would never consider joining a gang and Taylor didn't want to be a bad influence on her, but Giovanni and his friends were all pretty on the level, and the man didn't seem to have much interest in being caught. Taylor could at least count on them to be supportive, even if it was all a cover.

Tammi could hear her heart pounding in her chest. Introducing her to her friends already?! It was like they were a couple or- NO! This was part of the test. She had earned Taylor's trust, and now Taylor was going to take her to her gay hangout spot. Then, she could report Taylor and her pride parade to Kaiser and get them all wiped out! That…was the plan. Tammi wasn't as excited about it as she thought she would be, but that was probably part of the test. Tammi had to go undercover! That's what this was! Undercover.

"...sure." Tammi said, nestling her face into Taylor's chest for elite super-spy purposes only.

Taylor sighed in relief. She had found a 'recruit'.

This undercover shit was a lot harder than she thought.

Chapter Text

Blyndeff Toy Emporium. 

The evening sun cast its light through the windows and over the brightly colored play sets and custom-made dollhouses. The carpet was like those top-down city carpets you’d see at a dentist’s office, but instead displayed vaunted castles, boggy caves and gorgeous forest canopies. The clock on the wall was shaped like an owl and hooted every hour, the cash register was made of plastic and the keys tippy-tapped like a toy keyboard. It’s a child’s dream and a parent’s worst nightmare.

At least, that’s how it’s supposed to be…

Instead, the shelves which are supposed to be filled with toys look chaotic and half empty. Nothing has been restocked and product which was supposed to hang on racks has been half-assedly put onto the store displays like a sink filled with dirty dishes. Unopened boxes of product have been left sitting both on the front porch and on the storeroom floor. The windows are dirty and the floor clearly hasn’t been cleaned in over a week.

“So this is where Molly lives? What a dump.”

“Sylvie, that’s very rude!” Phoenica huffed.

“Nah, he’s right. It’s not usually this bad around here.” Trixie said., sitting down on a sturdy looking dollhouse. “Molly’s usually the one keeping this place in tip top shape. Her family is…”

Trixie made a face you would typically use when an older family member uses a meme that they are definitely too old to be using. 

“Whoever is in charge of maintaining this temple of toys is being rather derelict in their duties.” Indus said sagely. “It is clearly in need of Molly to take care of it.”

“Um, this is all well and good, but why did we have to wait till the weekend to visit this toy store?” Uber asked, walking into the store while holding hands with Leet who was quieter than normal.

“Well, that’s because we are here for some speech classes, dude.”

“I mean, that’s fine, but uh, we kinda want to get home!”

“Yeah.” Leet said. “How is this supposed to help us get that permission slip?!” 

Before Phoenica can get her response out, a screaming squeal of brakes blasts in from outside. A nice looking sports car performs several 360s before perfectly parallel parking between Phoenica’s family Limo and a pickup truck. The group watches as a pale, stick thin guy waddles out of the back of the car and collapses onto his hands and knees, visibly catching his breath.

“Who’s the string bean?”

“Uber! That is our Interpersonal Communications teacher! Naven Nuknuk!”

“And uh, why do we need Interpersonal Communications lessons?” Syvlie asks, for once on Uber and Leet’s side.

“Well he’s not just our teacher, he’s also the CEO of STEM! If there’s anyone we can ask about where to find forgers and scalawags, it must be him!”

“Oh…” Naven says, having just tiredly opened the door, his perpetually closed eyes brimming with mild exhaustion. “So I’m a scalawag, am I?”

“Naven!” 

Phoenica runs up to the green-sweatered wimp and gives him a big ol’ hug. Phoenica audibly squeaks like a dog toy.

“Oh it’s good to see you too, Feenie!” He says in total endearment. “You as well, Trixie. Would you like a hug, too?”

“Nah, I’d probably break you or something.”

“Haha, wow. How merciless!” Naven says cheerily. “And um, would you mind introducing your…friends?”

Naven glances up at the three dudes and Leet before his closed eyes scrunch up.

“I’m Dr. Sylvester Ashling. I was involved with the museum incident. Are you really the CEO of STEM? What are you doing teaching communication classes in a toy store in this part of town?”

“W-well…I just couldn’t say no.”

It’s true. Naven Nuknuk, according to rumor, is a mysterious business giant, a ruthless and savvy negotiator, and a bit of a womanizer. In truth, however, Naven Nuknuk’s face could be in the dictionary next to the word ‘weenie’. He takes it upon himself to hire almost exclusively Mundies, in part because talented Mundies are often passed over for inscribed, but also because it gave him an excuse to help them. He’s the type of person to play healer in every MMO ever, and would give people rare items in games simply because he thinks other people will enjoy them more. He had, in fact, stopped the car on the way here to help an old woman cross the road. She hit him in the shin with her walker and it really hurt, but Naven knew she appreciated him. 

“Greetings, sir Naven. My name is Indus Tarbella!” Indus says loudly as he flexes. “My Epithet is Barrier! I was told you could help us find a talented master forger!”

Naven’s smile strained.

“Feenie. Where did you find this large shirtless man?”

“Oh, him! I bailed him out of jail!”

“...Jail?” Naven asks, suddenly concerned.

“Uh-huh! You see, Molly’s missing, and so is this man’s Master, so we’re working together to save them!”

“I see. I had heard about that. Girls, I’m sorry. I know it must be har- save them?”

Naven asked like the thought hadn’t even occurred to him.

“Yeah! Uber and Leet, the two lovebirds, made some weird portal gun that collapsed reality and sent them into our dimension! So we think Molly and the other missing people must be in their dimension, and we’re working on a way to rescue them!”

“Uber and Leet, who are-”

Naven winces as soon as he turns his face to Uber and Leet. Leet is sitting on Uber’s lap as Uber awkwardly sits on a children’s play table. The two of them are casually opening Horizontal Pilot Command booster packs and looking through the cards without paying. Naven’s face scrunches up in consternation. 

“Yeah, that’s them.” Trixie snarked. “They caused this whole thing with some stupid invention of theirs.”

“It wasn’t stupid!” Leet whined. “Portal is a very cool game for cool people! Also, aren’t you a kid? How the fuck haven’t you played video games?!”

“No Swearing!” Phoenicia outraged.

“Uh, I live in a trailer park and gotta share with my brother.”

“Oh, that’s fine then. Boys need video games more than girls.” Leet said neutrally.

“What?!” Trixie shouted.

“Leet, video games are for kids, not just boys.” Sylvie admonished. “N-Not that I would know, obviously!”

“Now, now. Let’s not fight. You wanted my help with finding a forger? Can I ask why?”

“We need it so we can get a permission slip to go save Molly!” Phoneica said. “And to get the permission slip, we need a forged statue to give to my teacher!”

“Ah, I see.” Naven said, not seeing anything. “Well, I don’t personally know them, but I’ve heard tell of a forger who might be able to do what you’re asking for.”

“So you’ll tell us?” Trixie asked.

“Well, I don’t know if that’s a good idea…”

“Pleeeeeeaaaaaaaase~?” Phoenica said while giving Naven her most adorable puppy-dog eyes. 

“Yeah man!” Uber shouted. “We’re like, missing our streams! Chat is gonna kill us if we don’t get back!”

“Chat watches. Chat knows.”

“Oh!” Indus said. “If you are in need of protection, I could simply put up one of my barriers to protect you!”

“Chat can get past all of your barriers.”

“Impossible!” Indus shouted. “My barriers are strong! They have never failed me!”

“...what about Mera?” Sylvie asked. “Didn’t she beat you up?”

“Yes!” Indus said, smiling as the neurons in his brain failed to make the very obvious connection.

Naven took this chance to speak up.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t think I should-”

“WHO THE HELL IS MAKING ALL THAT RACKET!?!?!”

Stomping angrily down the stairs is a young woman with dark, freckled skin, button eyes and an angry expression. Her bunny heels clack loudly on each step as her bunny-overalls as she holds her wide brimmed light blue witch’s hat down over her ears by the hat’s white rabbit-ears. 

Trixie and Feenie take one look and immediately their expressions grow dour. They are not fans of Lorelai Blyndeff.

“Wow, there are a lot more people here than I was expecting today…” Naven softly complained as Lorelai stomped up to Molly’s friends.

“Hey, squirts! What the hell are you doing here? And where the hell is Molly?!”

“Molly is missing !!!” Phoenicia shouts.

Lorelai just glared at her suspiciously.

“Yeeaaaah, sure she is. I’m sure she’s lost in the woods or something and totally isn’t at your house or whatever. If you’re going to come up with a lie, little lamb-chop, at least make it a believable one.”

“She’s been missing for over a week!” Trixie exclaimed. “How can you not know this?!”

“Oh my god.” Lorelai says in utter exasperation. “She’s not missing. She’s just slacking off, going off to play with her little friends.”

She shot a glare at Phoenica and Trixie as she said it.

“I’ve been having to pick up shifts, and Molly isn’t answering her phone! So if you would be so kind as to tell me where you hid her, all three of you-” Lorelai said, shooting a glare at Naven this time. “-I might not turn you into a toad or something.”

“Lorelai.” Naven said with authority. “Your sister is missing. Didn’t you read the police report? There was a massive explosion at the Sweet Jazz Museum, and your sister got caught up in it.”

“No. I’m pretty sure I would have heard about that.” Lorelai said dismissively.

“And how, pray tell, would they have gotten in contact with you? You spend all of your time in your little fantasy worlds.”

Sylvie noticed as he was not so subtly looking over Uber and Leet’s shoulders while they opened cards that Leet’s attention immediately snapped up. 

“Oh? Well then, Mr. CEO, how did you notice it? I thought you were a big time business guy. You’re not her family.”

“And you are? Look around you, Lorelai. Two people are literally stealing merchandise before your very eyes and you’ve done nothing.” Naven said, more upset than Phoenica or Trixie had ever seen him before. He was usually so patient and gentle. “Phoenica and Trixie here never assumed the worst. They held out hope, and they’re looking for her. You’ve barely even maintained the store.”

“Shut up!” Lorelai shouted.

“No, I don’t think I will. You’ve been busy playing in your bubbles, haven’t you? Somewhere you can be the hero. What you’re doing by retreating into your bubbles is…cowardly. You’re wasting your potential.”

“Oh my god! I don’t care!” Lorelai said. Her voice was hitching. Less stable. Less confident. 

“Do you…even have any plans on what you’re going to do with yourself as you get older? Are you just assuming things will all work out?”

“I’ve got plenty of time to figure that out. Actually, why are you even talking about this?!”

“You’re indecisive.” Naven said almost coldly. “Unambitious. Directionless. Your sister is missing, and you can’t even begin to think about how you’d find her, more concerned with your own escapism.”

“Shut UP!!!” Lorelai shouted, an edge of panic to her voice. “Molly is going to be fine, and everything is going to go back to normal!”

Even as Lorelai shouted it, it was obvious that she didn’t fully believe it. Lorelai wasn’t really processing this. Things had fallen apart lately at home. The kitchen was running out of food, the store was a mess, dad was spending all of his time working on new toys, and the sink was full of dishes. Lorelai had been growing more and more disconcerted as the week went on. At first, she though Molly was avoiding her, fighting her on some tiny little slight or whatever. Maybe she was just mad about something.

Then the second day rolled around. She didn’t see Molly there either. Lorelai doesn’t spend a ton of time outside of her dream bubbles, but she usually interacts with Molly a few times a day when Lorelai is outside on shifts or working in the kitchen. 

The third day came, and Lorelai would have forgotten about it if not for the messes. She got really into making a dream bubble based on this space documentary she saw that explained how rabbits can sometimes be associated with the moon in other parts of the world. She made this elaborate, green moon pockmarked in asteroid craters that giant alien bunnies would use as burrows. The surface of the Moon growing bright green grasses growing out of the usually desolate gray color of the Moon’s soil, and decorated with crop circles. It was perfect! When she got hungry and went to grab a snack, she noticed Molly hadn’t done the dishes, absentmindedly told herself to remember to tell her sister to go grocery shopping soon, and went back to worldbuilding her moon-bunnies.

By the fourth day, Lorelai had burned herself out of the moon-bunny idea hard. The world was beautiful, but there was just nothing to do with it. I mean, obviously you could go for aliens, but she had kind of hamstrung herself by putting so much effort into the alien bunnies more like sandworms than bunnies that it both didn’t feel right to change them and yet she felt they needed to be changed. She put that one on the backburner and lazily sat behind the register on her shift. People were giving her comments about how the store looked ugly. Lorelai was starting to wonder what the heck was Molly’s deal? Did she seriously ditch her shifts? Lorelai halfheartedly cleaned up around the shop while mad at both her sister and her writer’s block.

Day five her dad ran the register, so Lorelai spent her afternoon throwing things at the wall and seeing what stuck. She was tired of space, so she tried to make something peaceful and simple. An idyllic farmland. People milling about doing farm stuff. For some reason it just made her anxious. She tried making a calm sea, but the sound of waves was bothering her. She made a cemetery. That one didn’t last for all of five minutes before she decided it was a horrible idea. Lorelai eventually gave up and asked her dad where Molly was. Lorelai wasn’t big on Martin Blyndeff, but surely he would know.

He didn’t know. He didn’t know a lick, and what was even worse was that he wasn’t even all that worried!

‘Molly’s gonna be fine, she probably just in her rebellious phase! It’s totally natural!’

It’s like he didn’t care how this affected Lorelai. Lorelai couldn’t even have fun anymore and it was all Molly’s fault! 

Day six came about and she started assuming the worst. It was intruding on her life, and all of a sudden her fantasy worlds didn’t feel so fantastical, especially since their only visitor was Martin, and he definitely didn’t respect all the work she put into her worlds. Not at all! Molly didn’t either, for some reason, even though she used to love playing with her. 

The past few days Lorelai had been running up against a creative brick wall, absentmindedly running the register, and doing everything she could to avoid thinking about her current situation. Things were bound to improve. Molly wasn’t a rebel. She was boring and uninterested in stuff like adventure if her utter lack of appreciation for all the nice worlds Lorelai had made for her was any indication. She wouldn’t be able to stay away for long, and then everything would be fine again.

“Look: wherever she is, she’s gonna be fine, come back, and everything will go back to normal.”

Uber winced. He and his bro had been a bit cagey about the details of their world. It seemed so much more mundane here for some reason. More people had powers, sure, but most people weren’t inclined to use them for violence. If someone’s parahuman power let them juggle almost anything, they would just find a way to leverage that into killing people. If someone’s Epithet let them juggle anything, they would just join the circus or something. There wasn’t an omnipresent phantom at the back of your mind reminding you that the world was slowly collapsing. That in the next couple of months things would be fine.

Leet in particular didn’t want to shatter the illusion. They had spent a lot of time growing up with heavy expectations on their head. They wanted them to succeed, no matter what. His parents thought they were nice when they told Leet they could do anything as long as they were successful at it. Everyone at school growing up told Leet that they didn’t have to decide now. That could wait until later. 

Leet was smart. Got good grades. Could do anything they could set their mind to. It just turns out they couldn’t set their mind to anything.

Later came sooner than Leet thought. Before Leet knew it, college was around the corner. Leet didn’t know what to do with themself. Leet’s parents didn’t get it. They fell out on Leet when they started retreating into the only thing that seemed to bring them joy anymore. Video Games. In games, everything was laid out for you. Things were vibrant and creative. Interesting in a way real life never was. Relieving when real life was anything but. 

Naturally, things escalated. Leet started spending all of their time playing video games. Their grades plummeted, and all of a sudden, like a switch had been flipped, his parent’s attitude changed overnight. They were disappointed. Ashamed. Treated Leet like they were a lost cause.

It was a horrible day too. Leet got called into Arcadia’s principal's office. They admonished Leet about their grades. Told Leet they were throwing away their future. Two other teachers pulled Leet aside with similar problems. Leet’s friends looked at Leet like they were a pariah. Someone who threw everything away. Leet felt like a walking failure. A fuckup who couldn't do anything right anymore. Leet just wanted to go home and play video games. Forget about the sense of looming and foreboding wrapping over his life. 

When Leet walked into their house they found their parents waiting for them at the door. Leet thought hopefully for a second that they were here over the Endbringer attack that had occured earlier that day. Not so. They had thrown out Leet’s consoles. Leet’s computer, all of the cartridges, hardware, and even magazines. They were banning Leet from all the things they loved. Doing it because Leet was a failure. Leet was failing everyone in their life. Leet wasn’t happy, wasn’t built to be the best, didn’t want to be, but this broke Leet. All the things Leet loved and sunk time and passion into meant nothing to everyone around them. 

Leet triggered. 

Leet decided to become a failure. Someone society deems unacceptable. Sure, Leet spreads their love of games at the same time, but at the end of the day Leet isn’t living up to their full potential. 

And here, Lorelai is doing the same thing. Getting attacked for it. In a span of a short few minutes, Leet understood Lorelai. 

Leet, for the first time since anyone had seen of them, stood up, separated themself from Uber, and walked over to the two of them. Naven took an unconscious step back as Leet approached.

“And who are you supposed to be?” Lorelai challenged.

“I’m Leet.” They said remarkably coolly, before turning to Naven. “Back off, smiley. Fantasy is important. If they want to dive into books and tv shows to take the pressure off, that’s fine.”

“B-bro?” Uber muttered, a worried look on his face.

“Leet, was it? I think you might have the wrong idea. Ms. Lorelai’s Epithet allows her to create dream bubbles of augmented reality. She can make anything she wants on the inside. Castles, spaceships, even whole oceans if she really wants to.”

“Wait…so you could like, make video games and shit, but like, real real?”

“I mean…yeah. I guess I could?”

Lorelai was expecting Leet to back Naven up. She was caught off-guard by Leet’s support. No one had ever taken her side like this before. 

“Tell me about it.” Leet demanded.

“Oh, uh, it’s pretty cool. I can make…like…castles and magical forests and space stations if I want. I can simulate reality in the bubbles so you can feel the breeze in the air, smell the scent of summer daisies or motor oil, and even taste the velvety goodness of a chocolate river.”

“Your power is so cool.” Leet said bitterly. “Half the reason we can’t get home is because my power doesn’t let me build the same thing twice. Not safely, anyways. Everytime I do? Blows up in my face! It can’t be too similar to anything either, because then it’s just extra liable to blow up or fall apart! Your power isn’t like games. No one can take it away from you.”

Leet was getting increasingly loud. Phoenica and Trixie were backing behind Indus, while Sylvie looked on in a more educated concern. Uber, most of all, just looked hurt.

“I can barely build armor that doesn’t want to destroy me or something! I can make anything real, but only once! You? You can do it forever! Make an infinite number of realities containing anything you could ever want! Why can’t I have that?!”

“Leet.” Naven said, building up the courage to try and work Leet down. “That’s not what this is about. This is about Molly.”

“It’s always about what everyone else wants, isn’t it?! ‘You could do so much, be so much!’ What about what I want?!”

“Leet! You’re scaring the children!”

“No one should have to grow up like that. Feeling like a failure because they can’t meet the expectations of those around them.” Leet said, making Uber visibly wince. That was a low blow, even for Leet.

Phoenica’s expression also turned sympathetic.

“Yeah! Molly will be fine!” Lorelai said. “The things I make might not be fully real, but that doesn’t mean the work I put into them was wasted.”

“She won’t be fine.” Uber said.

“Oh? And what makes you so sure about that?”

“Earth Bet. It’s…well, it’s not like this world. I read up on the Songstress. The most feared entity outside of Bliss Ocean in the whole world, and she waits literal generations before attacking! Bliss Ocean barely seems to do anything from what I’ve read! Crime is literally just a fun hobby most of the time with the Banzai Blasters.”

“Back home, it’s not like that. Gangs back home can and will kill and torture people. Do so regularly, actually. If we ended up here, then Molly probably ended up in Brockton Bay, and one of our gangs? Empire Eighty Eight would gladly kill her just for her skin color, or worse, if they think they could get Epithet users out of the deal, they might catch her and send her to Gesellschaft-”

“Uber, that’s enough.” Leet says, cutting Uber off before he can go too far. “Oh yeah, and we’ve got Endbringers. Unkillable city destroying monsters that attack multiple times a year, regularly destroying cities and killing millions of people, sinking entire cities, destroying them with radiation, or using psychic suggestions to turn everyone there into ticking time bombs. This world probably has its own problems, but one thing it has that ours doesn’t is hope.”

Everyone in the room fell silent. It was a lot worse than any of them really thought it might be, assuming it was true. Lorelai looked at the two in disbelief.

“T-there’s no way that’s true! If it’s really so bad, why the heck would you want to go back!”

Leet was caught flat-footed. They honestly hadn’t thought about it too hard. All of the games Leet loved and the fans that supported the two of them were there. Their lives were there, but that didn’t mean their lives couldn’t just be here. Here, where there aren’t Endbringers, Heartbreakers, and Slaughterhouse Nines. Here, where no one had expectations for Leet. Here, where things were safe.

Leet thought about it. Leet wasn’t a failure here. Leet already stopped caring about what the world thought back home. Here, Leet could be a normal streamer, together with Uber. This…was the place where Leet could be more than a laughingstock.

Lorelai was right.

“You’re right…” Leet said. “Phoenica, I’m staying here. Figure out how to get to Earth Bet at your own peril.”

“Leet!” Phoenica said, aghast. “Y-you’re betraying us?! B-but what about Molly?!”

“I don’t care! I’ve never met Molly before! Even if I somehow make a way back that doesn’t end up killing us, what would be waiting for me but a hostile world full of death? Why the hell do I have to go back?!”

“Leet! Are you sure?” Uber said, running up to Leet. Uber got to arm’s length but seemed hesitant to reach out and grab them. “I mean, I know what you’re thinking, b-but, this doesn’t seem right. Leaving people over there is…cruel.”

While Uber and Leet argued over the merits and demerits of abandoning Molly and her friends in Earth Bet, Lorelai stood shell-shocked. That was a full blown argument. She was expecting Leet to back down, not…not this! Was Molly really…somewhere so terrible? T-that didn’t make any sense! It was just a field trip!

“I believe them.”

Her eyes glanced over at Naven, who was wearing a frown.

“They’re being honest. Molly is in another dimension, and not a nice one.”

B-but…this is too sudden! So Molly’s just…gone now? One day she’s here, and the next, she’s not around, and everything around Lorelai is just falling apart. It’s just like when- when mom died. No, actually. It’s worse. 

Lorelai didn’t even notice she was gone.

“W-Wait!” Lorelai shouted, interrupting Uber and Leet’s heated argument.

“You guys can get to her, right?

“I’m not building another portal or dimensional breacher!” Leet says. “Why would I want to go back?!”

“Sir Leet.” Indus says. “It’s not wise to run away from your problems. A warrior must always be ready to meet their opponent head on.”

“What if I’m not a warrior, huh?! What if I don’t want to fight impossible odds in a world with no future?! My power? The only thing it lets me do it feels like is make mistakes. What if I accidentally open a full-scale portal between here and Bet. What happens then? I can’t risk it. This place…it’s safe!”

“But Molly isn’t ya dingus!” 

“What Trixie said! I’d be a terrible Magical Girl and an even worse friend if I just abandoned her!”

“Leet. You need to see a therapist.” Sylvie added. From what he could tell, both Lorelai and Leet had some serious issues to work out. 

“Mr. Leet-”

A slip of the tongue.

That was Leet’s last straw. 

“I see how it is…you’re all just like everyone else! I’m not what you want and suddenly, I’m the villain!”

“Bro, we need your help! I agree that Bet sucks more than Big Rigs, Over the Road Racing, but that’s all the more reason why we should be trying to help!”

“Why does it have to be me?”

“You’re the only one who can get it done! We need you to do this!”

“Bro- no…Uber…”

Leet’s voice starts to choke up. Uber was…he was supposed to be there for Leet no matter what. That’s what Uber said he would do back when they first met. But…Leet was alone, and everyone was arrayed against them. 

“Please!” Lorelai shouted. “I just- I can’t let Molly get hurt!”

The guilt over having missed her sister being caught in an explosion was growing inside Lorelai like kudzu. Lorelai and Molly had drifted apart over the years after their mother’s passing, but Lorelai still love her sister deep down. Part of her wanted to retreat into her dream bubbles. Pretend like everything was normal. That it was okay! There is no food in the fridge. Molly got hurt, and she was the last one to notice. W-was there fire at the museum?

Lorelai wasn’t a good person, but despite the fact that she was a terrible sister, she was still a sister.

Leet, however, was panicked. Scared. Every negative feeling Leet had ever endured welled up in this moment like a geyser. Leet started to hyperventilate. Tears started to fall down their cheek. Leet made a decision. 

Leet walked up to Lorelai and put a hand on her back. All of the sudden, she beings to glow a soft pastel purple. 

“H-hey, what the heck are you doing?!”

She tries to shake Leet off, but Leet’s expert Mario-Party enhanced fingers are too tough. When Leet pulls back, the glow follows them, suffusing their form. In their hand is a small golden medallion around a large green gemstone shaped like a heart. The Arsene Amulet.

“Wait…you had the amulet the whole time?!” Sylvie yelled.

“Well, I am a villain after all!” Leet shouts but without any satisfaction. “If you all can’t appreciate what it’s like to live in a world without the horrors from back home, then maybe I should just leave. Make you give up. Make you realize just how much nicer this place can be.”

Lorelai raised her hand like she was about to fire a bolt of magic at Leet…only for nothing to happen. No glow, no instantly vaporized manic gamer. Nothing.

“W-what?” Lorelai said, looking at her hands in a panic. “What did you do to me?!”

“I stole your Epithet.” Leet said with a hysterical voice.

“Leet.” Naven said in a faux-calm voice. “I need you to stay calm, take a deep breath, and hand give Ms. Blyndeff her Epithet back.”

“No.”

Sylvie quietly let out his Epithet, a soft golden glow fell over the room like a gentle haze of pollen and began to descend. Sylvie had hoped that this would be enough. He was wrong. Leet couldn’t bear to spend another second out here.

A large, pearlescent bubble appeared in the palm of Leet’s hands, but it was small only for a moment. The bubble rapidly grew, growing and growing and growing, eating the pollen falling from the ceiling and overtaking the house. Everyone else scrambled outside in a panic as the bubble grew to encompass the entire store before finally stopping.

Lorelai looked like she was about to have a panic attack.

“No… what- what do I do?! He has my Epithet!”

“They have the amulet, too.” Naven pointed out. “There’s nothing stopping them from going full on evil.”

“Phoenica.”

“Yes, Trixie?”

“Told you so.”

“Now’s not the time for this, Trixie! Leet is the only one we know who can build portals to save our friend, and now they’re…whatever you call this!” She gestured to the giant bubble clipping through the wall like a video game prop.

“Uber.” Sylvie says gently, walking up to the shell-shocked man as he sits on his knees. “Leet has…issues. Did you know?”

“Of course I knew. He’s my one and only homie.”

“This response seems…disproportionate.”

“No. I understand where he’s coming from. He’s not overexaggerating about how it can be on Bet sometimes. It’s just…Lorelai’s situation was a bit too close to home. He’s been stressing out this whole time we’ve been here. I can tell because of the way he fidgets with his hair when no one else is looking.”

“Is this place really so good?”

“It doesn’t seem bad to me, but I think the pressure just got to Leet.” Uber looked up to Sylvie. “Bro. Please. I have to go in there and save him.”

“Save him?!” Lorelai yelled. “He stole my Epithet and has an artifact that can let him do it to more people if he wants!” 

“Technically, we could just wait until Leet starves.” Naven pointed out. “The food you make in there, Lorelai. It’s not real.”

“I have to save him from what he’s doing to himself. Leet thinks we’re just like everyone else. People who are all too happy with him until he starts making his own decisions. People who expect things from him. If we starve him out, all we’d be doing is proving to him that we really don’t care.”

Uber stood up, shoulders high.

“But I do. I care about Leet. I’m his homie for life. His Bro. I wouldn’t be a very good partner in crime if I let this happen.”

“Well spoken, young Uber.” Indus said. “While I do not understand everything that transpired just now, your resolve is admirable. I would be glad to help you save your lover.”

Uber laughed mirthlessly. “Not gay, but sure.”

“He’ll probably need someone to help. I’m a liscenced therapist, though I haven’t been practicing for long admittedly.” Sylvie added sheepishly. “And hey, maybe I’ll get a chance to look at the amulet this go-around.”

“It’s no use.” Lorelai cried. “The only way into a dream bubble is if I- I mean Leet lets us in. Well, that and…Molly. And she’s…not here.”

“Leet will let us in.” Uber said with complete confidence. “He’s a streamer at heart. We started streaming so we could share our love of video games with the world. He wouldn’t keep us out.”

“This is a cry for help if I’ve ever seen one.” Naven said. “I’ll tag along, though I’m not sure I would be much help…”

“What about your schedule?” Trixie asked.

“Ah, well, the classes just started. So long as we’re out of the bubble before it gets too late, it’s fine.”

“There’s no way we’re getting out of that bubble in an hour.”

Naven sent her a knowing smile.

“I’m not sure I know what you mean.”

“Well, you can’t leave us out! Helping is the right thing to do!”

“I’m with Feenie. We might be some of the only people with even a little experience traversing these bubbles.” Trixie added.

Everyone looked to Lorelai, who was still wiping away tears as she laid on the sidewalk.

“W-what are you looking at me for?”

“We want you to come with us.” Sylvie said, walking over to her. “This bubble was made with your Epithet. If anyone knows how dangerous it could be, it’s you.”

“But…but I’m not…”

Lorelai was terrified. Sad. Drowning in anxiety. Her dream bubbles had always been an escape. A place where she was perfectly in control. Where she was the hero. She had never entered a bubble she couldn’t control before. Where she couldn’t just fudge the numbers in her favor. Now, she was staring down the largest bubble she’d ever seen. She was…a Mundie. She wasn’t hero material. She had just lost her place to sleep, her Epithet, her Sister.

Lorelai wasn’t ready for this. She wasn’t ready for this at all!

“I can’t-” Her voice hitched. She was ugly crying again. Fuck this. She was about to run away to god knows where when Uber of all people placed a hand on her shoulder.

“You have to come.”

“Why?! I can’t be the hero in there anymore! I’m powerless. Worthless.”

“Wow.” Naven said standing next to Trixie and Phoenica. “Lose your Epithet and you’re worthless, fancy that.”

“That’s not what I meant! You know what I mean!”

“Lorelai.” Uber said. “I’m a gamer. I’ve played all kinds of games. RPGs, MMOs, fighting games, RTSes, open world games, rhythm games. One thing they all have in common is that the hero is never in control. The hero faces overwhelming odds. The hero is scared. But the hero fights anyways, because that’s what it takes.”

“I’m not a hero.”

“No. You’re not. I’m not either.  I run at the first sign of danger. I don’t help little old ladies cross the street. I commit crimes for fun. I don’t attend Endbringer fights. I’m no Legend or Alexandria, who put their neck on the line time and time again. But that’s just the thing: A hero isn’t something you are, it’s something you choose to be. You might not have been a hero before, but someone needs your help. Needs all of our help. Now’s your chance to be a hero. A real one.”

Uber held out his hand.

Lorelai…didn’t know what to say. He was right. Lorelai thought back to how she hadn’t realized Molly was missing for over a week. She noticed all the signs, well, most of them anyways, and she just thought her sister was giving her the cold shoulder. She could have called someone about it, asked around, put in any effort, but she didn’t. Molly was missing and she didn’t do anything. She wasn’t a hero. Not in the slightest. 

Lorelai reached up and grabbed Uber’s hand. He pulled her up and steadied her on her feet. She wiped away the last of her tears with her forearm before nodding up at Uber.

“I’ll…I’ll try.” She said meekly. She felt vulnerable like this. It wasn’t a good feeling. Lorelai still wasn’t sure she would be able to help, but at the very least, she wanted her Epithet back. Fake or not, she had experience playing the hero. She had to try. If not for Leet, then for Molly. She could get her Epithet back, rescue Molly, and treat her to a fantastic weekend in a custom-made bubble filled with everything she likes!

Lorelai walked up to the rest of the group, Naven shooting her a proud smile. 

“Come along then. I’ve got a meeting to attend later so let’s make this snappy.” Naven said with a pleasant cheer.

“Come on, Naven. We both know you aren’t making it to that meeting.”

“Oh, it’s about the plausible deniability, Trixie.”

“Poseable Dynamite?”

“...precisely.”

“Well then.” Uber said, stepping up to the bubble and poking his finger through the surface. It wobbled about, coating his submerged finger in a funny sensation. Uber turned around and looked at his impromptu party members and smiled.

“Let’s Game.”

Sitting in a car on the other side of the road in Naven’s car, a pink-haired goth looking lady sat looking up memes on her phone.

“That idiot’s gonna be late, isn’t he?”

Chapter Text

In the center of the sky, a bright, pure white light lit up the entirety of the inside of the dream bubble. The world was inverted. The artificial sun shone its light across the whole of it, and from where they stood, the whole of it was so much greater than any of them could have anticipated. A tapestry of water and light. Far off mountain peaks, glittering glaciers, entire different biomes stuck together like a patchwork quilt of vibrancy expanding across the sky as far as the eye could see . Massive stretches of lush, verdant forests, sweltering volcanic wastelands, desolate expansive deserts… biomes of every shape and size arranged like constellations in the inverted world.

The light of the sun wasn’t blinding, somehow. You could look past the sun and it didn’t burn your eyes. The light that emanated from it was almost fake in the way you could just choose to ignore the light-beams and stare directly into it without difficulty. Its reflection was more prominent that the sun itself as it rebounded on several glaciers about the sky.

The party stood together in a small clearing. Wildgrasses surrounded them as the chirping of crickets and flitting of butterflies made themselves known. Not ordinary butterflies either. Their wings were styled after every species one could think of, real or fictional. Lustrous peacock patterns on lazy giant butterflies somehow didn’t contrast with ones patterned after Philemon’s mask from Persona or Madama Butterfly from Bayonetta.

The clearing was ringed by trees made of a mishmash of patterns. Immaculate, real looking trees blended into stylized trees from various games. It should be a hodgepodge. It should look hideous or garish, but somehow at a glance it all worked. For all that it seemed like a procedurally generated world, something about it just gels together. Everywhere you look there’s some new detail to appreciate, some clever reference or technique that leaves you looking for more.

Somehow, in their minds, everyone received the same message, one reminiscent of the ones you would see when entering a new Kingdom Hearts world. 

‘Welcome to Gokuraku’

Lorelai was…dumbstruck. She had made plenty of fantasy worlds before, but this? It took her so much time and effort to make everything just perfect. Her proficiency with her Epithet was in the sixties, which was frankly ridiculous for her age, but this? She had never managed this! This was insane! This was so insane that it scared her. Something…something was wrong with this. Leet could have stolen half of these ideas, hell, even all of them, but with how little time the Mundie had had to set up this whole world in the first place…something didn’t add up.

“Woaaaaah!” Phoenica gaped. “This place… it’s like a dream!”

“I gotta admit.” Trixie said, gazing up at the facsimile of a sky. “This place is somethin’ alright.”

A tiny Legend of Zelda fairy flitted up to Phoenica and landed on the back of her head. She immediately restrained a squeal and started frantically trying to tell Indus how to take a picture of her for posterity through elaborate charades. Indus didn’t understand her in the slightest, though she was excited so he was also excited. Trixie just took the picture for her, having plenty of experience with Feenie’s antics.

The other four were a bit less enchanted with their surroundings.

“Lorelai.” Sylvie started. “This isn’t normal, is it?”

“...No. It…it shouldn’t be this big or this detailed. Not yet anyways.”

“Leet’s a big gamer, more so than me honestly. I recognize every reference. Most of the world looks like it’s based on games we played. Are you sure he couldn’t have gotten this set up so quickly?”

“No!” Lorelai yelled. “When I make worlds, even at my level, I have to put in a ton of conscious effort, like making sure things smell right, taste right, have that tactile feel. I can spend weeks getting a world just right, but this… he had five minutes, and he made this!”

“This is…concerning.” Naven said neutrally. “Uber, you said you recognize the world, yes? Any particular points of inspiration?”

Uber nodded.

“The main concept I recognize. This is the Vortex World from Shin Megami Tensei III: Nocturne, or at least it uses the same core concept. That world is a desolate, dry inverted world created after the destruction of the previous world.”

“Destruction of the previous world?” 

“Yeah. In the plot, the world undergoes something called a Conception wherein the world will be born anew. To cut a really complicated story short, people take their dreams to Kagutsuchi, the sun in the center of the world, and fight to prove their vision for the shape the new world should take. Everything either has a really mundane name or a really pretentious one.”

“That sounds convoluted.” Sylvie said. “We uh, aren’t gonna have to write this down, are we?”

“That’s unlikely, I think. Leet’s a gameplay over story kind of person.” 

“Good.” Naven says, closed eyes turning to the false sun in the center of the world. “We know where to go then.”

“That’s all well and good, but how are we supposed to get up there?”

“In the game, there is a tower. The Tower of Kagutsuchi, the final dungeon in the game. It takes you to a lift which gets you to the center, but as for where the equivalent would be here?” Uber looks at the colorful artificial sky and grimaces. “Well, we might just have to stargaze for a bit.”

“I must admit, this is much larger on the inside than I was expecting.” Naven said. “But I find that, now that I’m in here, I can’t very well want to leave.”

“Good, because odds are you can’t.” Lorelai said blithely.

“...what?”

“You can’t leave. I know Leet let us in, but the worlds inside of my dream bubbles don’t exactly have walls sometimes, so I have to actively let people out. Unless you’ve got an epithet like Molly’s, we’re probably stuck here.”

Did Lorelai's bubbles always feel this...perilous to other people? Lorelai had only just stepped in and she already felt like she had made a huge mistake...

“That’s…bad.” Naven said, smiling when his voice clearly wasn’t.

“Wait, so we’re stuck in here unless we can convince Leet to let us out?” Sylvie asked. “That’s not good; this place is enormous!”

“The food here is fake, too.” Naven said. “So we’re on a timer.”

“That we are.” Uber said, looking over at Phoenica and Trixie as they looked every which way at butterflies and sunflowers, a disconcertingly high number of them had cartoon faces and were smiling back. 

“Still, I can’t shake the feeling that something about this place isn’t…Leet, you know?”

“We don’t.” Lorelai deadpanned. 

“I mean, it all blends together well enough, but there doesn’t seem to be much direction to it. I mean, take a look at the flowers.”

Uber gestured around at the field. Plants vs Zombies Sunflowers, Paper Mario Fire Flowers, poorly pixelated Minecraft flowers and all manner of background Jpegs blended together like a sliding scale. If you were to look at it from afar, it would look beautiful, but up close it looked jarring. Ugly, almost. The field might look better if you took one type of flower and expanded on it, but the designs are all regurgitated from their respective source materials and jammed together in the closest approximation of structure. 

“Leet cares about video games. He would never accept a subpar world like this!”

“Okay, but like, why does that matter?!” Lorelai hissed.

“Because.” Uber said, looking over the girls as they dragged Indus to the edge of the clearing chasing a small fairy. “If Leet didn’t decide on this arrangement, if Leet didn’t make this clearing, then what did?”

“Beartrap! Glad you could make it!”

It was finally the weekend. Giovanni had invited all of his minions to his and the blaster’s apartment to go over his ‘top secret’ villainous plan for the bay. He had spent an inordinate amount of time making sure the place looked spick and span. Through a liberal use of construction paper, little yellow, pink and red garlands hung from the ceiling. In the kitchen was lasagna soup, handmade with no Epithet usage of course. There was a salad bar, snacks of the cheap and decidedly storebought variety, and Zoo Pals for the plates, plus those red party cups you see at literally every party.

Dinah looked past Molly and her eyes widened.

“This place looks so cool!”

“I know, right?” Giovanni said proudly. “I wanted to make sure that all of my new minions got the warmest welcome they possibly could! Speaking of, your name, please?”

“I’m Dinah! I’m Molly’s school friend!”

“Glad to meet you Dinah!” Giovanni leaned in close to Dinah and whispered in a conspiratorial tone. “Do you have your parent’s permission to be here?”

“Yes!” Dinah chirped.

“Excellent! Then come inside, grab some grub, and get ready to meet your new team~!”

Dinah eagerly jogged into the kitchen, and Molly couldn’t help but smile. She’d been looking forward to this all week. School was kind of a mess. Everyone was always asking her questions. Molly understood their curiosity of course. I mean, a new kid transfers in out of nowhere from another world and she’s got magic powers? She gets it, she does, but that doesn’t mean she’s at all happy for the attention. Missy took it upon herself to play Molly’s ‘bodyguard’ when she was overwhelmed, but Molly’s favorite moments in her new school are still the times when she got to hang out with Dinah in the Nurse’s office.

Dinah and Molly really hit it off. They both have terrible problems with anxiety, probably undiagnosed depression, and a decidedly more mature outlook than most of their fellow twelve year-olds.

Molly walked into the kitchen, grabbed herself a salad on a Froggie Zoo Pal plate, and settled down on the couch next to Dinah. Fred and Spike had gone out to pick up their respective recruits, and Taylor was still on the way, so they were just going to have to relax until they got here. Dinah picked up the remote and turned on Earth Aleph’s My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic.

“You’re taking to the whole villainy thing a lot easier than I thought.” Molly admitted. For all the time she spent with Dinah, her friend spent most of that time with a headache of some variety, so it was nice to see Dinah having fun.

“I mean, you told me your boss was a nice guy, and he seems like it.” 

Giovanni walked over with a pitcher of lemonade.

“Would either of you two care for a refill?”

“I’m good boss, but thanks anyway.”

“Me too, uh, boss?”

“THAT is the kind of go-getter attitude that will carry you far, minion!”

Dinah just smiled up at him like a kid who had impressed the teacher.

*Knock Knock Knock*

This was a bad idea, Taylor decided. She was still fully on board with the idea of infiltrating the Banzai Blasters, make no mistake, but bringing Tammi along…

Well, she was as innocent as a puppy. It felt like whenever she looked Tammi in the eyes, she would respond with 🥺. This was fine, really. After Emma, Taylor spoke fluent 🥺, but taking someone in a vulnerable position like her to this meeting, even if it had been a strict, hardline requirement for joining, was in hindsight a bad idea. If she got caught out, she couldn’t just drown the room in insects without her potentially hurting her.

Tammi had never been so nervous in her entire life. Taylor was inviting her to a party of some kind. She had been a little sparse on the details, but this was like, a gay party! It had to be! What if they tried to test her, dared her to k-k-kiss a g-girl?! Could she do that for the mission? Fenja and Menja told her to make friends or more with Taylor, but maybe it was a double mindgame! Maybe she had to resist! Or maybe, she had to go so deep undercover that even other Nazi’s wouldn’t be able to tell.

B-but if that was the case, then could she? She looked up at Taylor who seemed to have some psychic sense for when Tammi was looking at her. She turned her face toward Tammi and she couldn’t help but stare at her lips. They were wide and thin, but when Tammi thought about kissing Taylor, or getting kissed by Taylor, her face went downright volcanic.

“Are you okay?” Taylor asked nonchalantly as she led Tammi by her hand up the stairs to the apartment.

“Y-y-yes! I am! Thank you Taylor.”

“It’s no problem. Listen, if anyone makes you uncomfortable, let me know immediately, okay?”

God, Taylor was so…suave. Tammi just kind of swooned at Taylor which Taylor took to mean she got it. She walked up to Giovanni’s apartment and walked up to the door, knocking on it.

“I’m coooomiiiiing~~~!” Giovanni replied in a soprano. His footsteps clonked inside of the apartment before stopping and opening the door.

“Taylor! Nice to see you! And uh, your plus one?”

Taylor gestured to Tammi who was looking at Taylor while radiating big cartoonish red hearts over her head.

P-plus one?! This was a date?! 

“Hmmm, the new recruit looks a little distracted…” Giovanni hmmmed. 

Shit, Taylor thought. If Tammi couldn’t get her act together, then Giovanni might reject Taylor’s recruit and bar her from the meeting! Thinking fast, Taylor put one arm behind Tammi’s knee, another on her back, and picked her up in a princess carry.

Tammi.exe stopped working.

“She’s just tired. Do you mind if I put Tammi on the couch?”

“Oh, not at all! Rest is important.” Giovanni stepped out of the way. “Help yourself to some food!”

Fat chance of that, it was probably all either drugged or poisioned, Taylor thought. She carried Tammi into the living room and sat on the opposite end of the couch from Molly and Dinah, still holding Tammi in her lap.

For about five minutes, the only sound in the living room was the background noise of Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle on the TV. Tammi finally noticed her surroundings. There was a TV with a rainbow on it, an interracial gay couple of middle schoolers on the other end of the couch, and a man wearing an apron. Tammi had done it! She was in the gay hideout! Now all she had to do is blend in… a challenging prospect for someone as straight as her, but Tammi was nothing if not flexible!

*Ding-Dong!*

“I’ll get it!” The snaggletoothed man that Tammi had honest to god somehow not noticed this whole time said in a sing-songy voice before rushing to the door. Glancing past Taylor’s immaculately still body, she couldn’t get a good angle on who was at the door or what they were saying. 

That was until she walked in.

A blonde, not wholly unlike Fenja and Menja walked in. Taylor and Tammi both immediately recognized her. Her socially unacceptable amount of skin, woefully undersized Hooter’s tank top and hanging off her hips ripped up and faded blue jeans painted an impossible picture. Squealer. Infamous lieutenant of the Merchants. Here.

This was big. This was the kind of bust Taylor was looking for! …she wasn’t jealous. Everything up until now has been worth the risk, but a high profile criminal like Squealer? She could get a location to the PRT and finally be welcomed as a hero with open arms!

This was big. This was the kind of bust Tammi was looking for! …in a gang sense...for real! If she could ingratiate herself into the gang and give a location to the Empire, she would be welcomed as a true believer with open arms!

“Hey you fuckers!” the woman said with a carefree attitude. “I’m Sherrel Bailey! Smartest bitch this side of the bay, I-”

Before she could continue, Giovanni slid in front of her like a disappointed teacher with a pout.

“Excuse you, Sherrel! Watch your language! There are children present!” Giovanni said while gesturing to Molly and Dinah.

“...so?” Sherrel said as Fred walked up awkwardly behind her.

“Soooo it means you shouldn’t curse in front of them!”

“...we’re a gang, right?”

“Gang?” Tammi said in genuine surprise.

“Of course!” Giovanni said. “And that means that we should lead by example! What’s a gang for if you don’t take care of everyone in it?!”

“Uh, boss? I’ve already…heard most curse words before.” Molly admitted, shyly.

“...fuck.” Dinah said, as though testing the word out on her tongue.

Giovanni looked at Sherrel in abject horror!

“That’s it! If you can’t watch your language, you won’t be getting any of the Chocolate Mousse I have in the fridge!”

Sherrel’s lax body language immediately went ramrod straight,

“Shit, you got fucking dessert?! Why didn’t you say so?! I can behave!”

Giovanni narrowed his eyes on her. Sherrel just stared back with eyes full of innocence and greed.

“See to it that you do…and enjoy the food!” Giovanni said, going from ominous test proctor to cheery housewife at the flip of a hat. “Grab yourself a plate, and sit down. That goes double for you, Fred. Keep an eye on her.”

Sherrel and Fred got themselves some soup and sat down. Sherrel sat next to Taylor and Tammi with Fred sitting next to her. Tammi’s brain was thinking about how she could possibly get the Empire here, but her eyes were glued to Sherrel’s top like there were magnets underneath. 

Taylor was worried. Tammi seemed to suspect something with how much she was staring at Squealer. If she got smart about things and told her dad, that would ruin everything! She had to think fast. Taylor grabbed Tammi’s chin with her hand and pulled her face to look up at Taylor’s face.

“Is something the matter?” Taylor said. 

“N-no…” Tammi said, putting another level in bottom. “Nothing at all.”

Sherrel, who watched this exchange with mild amusement as she plucked a stray Lay’s potato chip from her lap, promptly de-escalated the situation.

“You two a couple?”

Shit. There it was! This was the moment! The test! Tammi had to decide whether the intent of the test was to refuse to go along with things or go deep undercover! Tammi believed. Tammi believed in the cause. Tammi spared a glance at Taylor’s face framed by her locks of hair. This is definitely what Kaiser would have wanted! Here goes nothing!

“N-” “Of course!” Tammi said, planting her head on Taylor’s chest.

What? Oh. Taylor sees. Tammi is just nervous. She thought this obviously fruity woman in the Hooter’s top was hitting on her, and pulled the classic ‘I’m Actually Gay’ method of rejection. She’s clearly not from Brockton Bay if she’s playing that card. Emma used to ask Taylor to pretend to be her girlfriend every time they went out, so she was old hat at this charade. Still, Taylor can’t help but feel bad about bringing the nervous sheltered girl, and she might have hesitated if she knew Fred apparently had game. Best to play along.

“Was it that obvious?” Taylor asked with the charisma of a wooden plank, hoping that Sherrel wasn’t very perceptive.

“Wow, Taylor!” Fred said, interrupting whatever Sherrel was about to say. “Congratulations! When did you two meet?”

“Yesterday.” Taylor said, completely deadpan.

“That’s cool.” Sherrel said uninterested, before going back to her chips.

*KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!*

“Oh!” Giovanni said excitedly. “That must be the last group we’re waiting for!”

Giovanni ran to the door and opened it up.

Morgan and Aisha were standing hip to hip with pleasant smiles on their faces. 

Brian was not.

Brian had, as soon as he recovered from the ordeal, casually invited himself along. Aisha going out to have fun with a friend was one thing, but joining a gang? That kind of undermined the reason that he was a villain in the first place. Aisha complained about it, but Brian had asked Lisa for advice on what to say to get her to agree, so he was ready. He just mentioned that he was impressed with Morgan’s performance and wanted to meet the rest of her friends.

Now, not only did Aisha think he had the hots for Morgan, but she was also excitedly chittering at the chance to further embarrass him in front of strangers. Still, Brain had been toughened up by his father, and Brian could endure a little humiliation to make sure Aisha was safe.

“Morgan! And what’s this? Not one, but two minions?!”

“I’m no-”

“Yeah boss! The big guy just couldn’t stay away when he heard about our gang!”

“No, that’s not-”

“Yeah!” Aisha cheered. “Big bro sucked down a ton of meat, and now he’s here for more.”

“Aisha-”

“EXCELLENT!” Giovannia said exuberantly. “Please, all of you, come in. Grab some food, get comfortable, and get EVIIIIIL~!”

Giovanni let the three of them inside before guiding the three of them into the kitchen and disappearing like a house fairy.

“Yooo! You got homemade soup and Zoo Pals?” Aisha said, awe dripping from her every word. "Your boss sure knows how to run a party!

“Heck yeah!” Spike responded, grabbing a ladle of lasagna soup and pouring it onto the cartoonish face of a hippopotamus. “The boss makes the best soup!”

Brian only half listened to his sister and her new friend. He was looking at the couch in shock. On one end of the couch was the new ward, Dumbstuck, drinking lemonade from a red party cup and smiling awkwardly at him. On the opposite end was Squealer, infamous right hand of the Merchants, dipping party-tray carrots into a pool of ranch dressing on the ear of her pig plate. 

“‘Sup, good lookin’!” She said with her mouth still full. 

This was big. This was exactly the kind of thing Brian was looking for. A known criminal and Merchant cape. Aisha couldn’t stay here. He turned to drag Aisha out only to notice that she wasn’t in there. 

“Dogpile!” 

He turned just in time to see Aisha dive onto Squealer’s and Fred's laps. Squealer spilled a bit of her drink with a light smile. Brian’s heart stopped in his throat.

“Oh. Would you look. At. That?” Giovanni said from behind Brian’s shoulder, causing him to almost punch him square in the face. “There’s not enough room on the couch, even with everyone squeezing together. Spike, would mind sitting on the floor with your friend? I’ll get some blankets for you.”

“Sure!” Spike said, holding the plates for both her and Aisha on the coffee table and settling in between Fred’s legs. Aisha quickly joined her, Squealer moving her legs out of the way. 

Brian was going to have an aneurism.

Tammi was going to have an aneurism. Another interracial lesbian couple just walked in! And her older brother was gay too! This is insane!

“Hey all! I’m Aisha! Have I told you about the time my brother inhaled one weiner after the next?”

This was a den of debauchery! 

“Aisha, at least introduce me first…”

“Oh yeah, that’s my big bro, Brian. So as I was saying-”

“I’ll take it from here, new minion!” Giovanni said, walking in front of the couch and getting everyone’s attention. 

“Welcome, new recruits, to the first ever meeting of the new and improved Brockton Bay Banzai Blasters!”

He said it with pizzazz backdropped by a still playing episode of My Little Pony.

“I am your fearless leader, Giovanni Potage! You may call me boss while we’re working, or you can call me by my Banzai Blaster name…Vincent! Murrderrr!”

Silence.

“Well anyway, I’d like everyone to go around and introduce themselves. Tell us your names, why you want to join, and how you’d like to help contribute to our nefarious ends. Let’s start from left to right.”

Dinah stood up.

“Hi. I’m Dinah! My dad’s the mayor. I want to join so that I can spend time with my friend Molly. I’m really good with planning stuff!”

“Planning stuff, huh? How so, Dinah?”

“Well, I just know how likely things are to work out. I’m a Thinker!” She said, almost completely irrespective of the magnitude of just casually dropping that information. “Just don’t ask me too many questions or my head will start hurting.”

Brian, Taylor, Sherrel and Tammi all started getting alarm bells in their heads. Giovanni, who had nothing in his head, just smiled.

“A planner, huh? That’s awesome! I can tell you from experience that nothing is more difficult about running a gang than scheduling.” Giovanni nodded sagely. “Be thinking about your cool Villain Nickname by the way! I’ll want everyone’s names before the end of the day!”

Aisha took this as her cue.

“Oh! Oh! We get like, codenames!”

“Heck yeah we get like, codenames!” Morgan said animatedly.

“Can I be like, Hellknife! Ooh! Or Hellion?”

“Um, for starters I would prefer it if you didn’t curse. There are children present.”

Aisha chuckled.

“It’s me.” She said. “I’m the children present.”

“And your name, Ms. Present?”

Aisha stood up on the coffee table with gusto. 

“I’m Aisha. I want to join because it sounds like fun! I specialize in being charming and lovable.”

Brian loudly choked.

“Wonderful! Every Villain Group needs a face, and while I am the prettiest face here, I approve of your initiative!”

Aisha sat down, content. 

“And what about you, big guy?” Giovanni inquired at Brian.

“Oh.” Brian said, a bit surprised that he was called on. “I’m Aisha’s brother, Brian. I’m just here to make sure this place is above board. I’m not actually joining.”

“Yes you are.” Aisha said insistently.

“Aisha, I have a job. Commitments.” 

“I think it’s wonderful that you’re here to watch over your sister Brian.” Molly interjected. “I mean, I get it. Crime is crime. I’d be worried if one of my friends told me they joined a gang, but the boss is great. Out of all the gangs in the city, I like this one the best.”

Brian silently asked himself why Aisha had to be in any gangs at all.

“Thank you, Beartrap.” Giovanni said before turning to Brian with a sincere expression on his face. Well….about as sincere as his villain persona could be anyway. “You have my word that, as an experienced villain, I will not allow any untoward hard to come upon her!” 

Brian wasn’t impressed. He was an ‘experienced villain’. This guy seemed like he was more interested in running an after school club than anything. I mean seriously? Zoo Pals? Potlucks? Codenames? This had to be the hokiest band of kooks he’d ever encountered in the bay, and he worked with Alec. 

That said, maybe that was a good thing. He had some grudging amount of respect for Morgan, even if the way she won their little competition was basically dumb luck. A Ward was here too, so things were unlikely to get too far off the rails. He was apprehensive, but as he looked at Aisha’s puppy dog eyes, he realized that he was pontificating for nothing. He was doomed.

“Alright.” Brian sighed. “Aisha can join. I won’t, but I’ll be coming into a couple ‘meetings’ to make sure everything’s on the up and up.”

Brian eyed Molly with a nod hoping she understood. Molly shot him a thumbs up. That was as good as he was going to get, he supposed.

“Thank you, Bro!” Aisha cheered. 

“Yes indeed! Thank you, Bro!” Giovanni echoed. “And what about you, Ms…?”

Everyone turned to the Elephant in the room. Well, the one that wasn’t being eaten off of anyways.

“Sherrel Bailey! Genius Builder, Master Driver, and the most Beautiful Bi- Villain in the whole of Brockton Bay! All around great-”

“You may save your gloating for later, Ms. Bailey.” Giovanni tut-tutted like an amused teacher.

“I joined because I lost a bet and I was bored.”

“Bored running your gang?” Brian said.

“I don’t have a gang, you wing-nut!” 

“Really. Then what are the Merchants?” 

“Wait…” Giovanni said, puzzle pieces bluntly clacking together in his brain. “I remember you! From the PRT lineup they made us Wards watch at the PRT. You’re a villain already!”

“Uuuuuh.” 

Sherrel wasn’t ashamed of being a villain, not in the slightest, but if she came off bad she wouldn’t get any of that dessert! Best to be polite.

“Y-yeah, but like, it all sort of got away from me? Think of it as…a resume! Yeah! It’s like a resume!”

Giovanni narrowed his eyes.

“A resume? That’s…great! Obviously, there’s no shame in not having any experience. The Banzai Blasters are a welcoming Evil Organization after all, but having someone else around who can help show our less experienced recruits the ropes is awesome! You say you build cars, right? Even…evil cars?”

“All cars are evil!” Sherrel said, chewing a carrot with a ranchy smile. “But mine are more evil than most!”

“Super spy cars? Oil Slicks? Spikes? Jets?!” Giovanni inquired like an overexcited child in a toy commercial.

“Yes, Yup, Uhuh, and You Bet, boss-man!” 

“Then you’re on the team!” Giovanni declared. Brian wasn’t happy about it, but with two Wards here and the tinker not having any equipment, he was…tentatively fine with this arrangement. Maybe he could feed some info on her movements to his boss for some extra cash whenever he decided to get in touch again…Plus, as long as she stayed wherever he could keep an eye on her, she couldn’t be hurting anyone else’s families. Weighing all of his options, Brian decided to just let it go for the moment.

Sherrel just wanted chocolate.

“And lastly, our first Earth Bet Recruit. Taylor. Would your guest introduce herself?”

“H-hi.” Tammi said, desperately hoping not to fuck this up. “I’m Tammi. I uh, joined the blasters to uh…”

Crap. Crap! Why did she join the blasters again?! She had her mission, sure, but what was her barefaced lie she was supposed to feed to everyone again? She hadn't planned for this!

“She joined us to spend time with me.” Taylor said, pulling Tammi in tighter. “Her girlfriend.”

Tammi squeaked, much to Aisha and Morgan’s amusement.

“Oh!” Giovanni said, utterly delighted. “How wonderful! Sapphics have historically been quite successful as villains!”

“Which isn’t culturally fair, mind you.” Taylor added sagely.

“Of course! The sociopolitical history of queerness and evil is as complicated as it is fascinating.” Giovanni said as though he didn’t just use terminology that was way above his weight class. “But that’s advanced villainology. We’ll just stick to the easy stuff today!”

Giovanni cleared his throat.

“Now!” Giovanni said, clapping his hands to get everyone’s attention. “We have three major things to go over before we start the movie and get dessert. Costumes! Nicknames! And our first Major Operation!”

This was it. This was what Taylor was here for! 

This was it. This was what Tammi was here for!

This was it. This was what Brian was here for!

“First off: Costumes! Since we are a completely new branch of the Banzai Blasters, I took it upon me to make some changes to our usual outfit!” 

Giovanni pulled out his old yellow bodysuit and held it out like a Matador.

“This is the old outfit. Bright Yellow is great for visibility, but on it’s own the color dominates the rest of the outfit. The bones all work, but the color and design needed some updating. Spike, Car Crash, you might remember that our outfits came direct from subscription, with only three size differences! Well not anymore!” 

Giovanni reached into a pocket in his dress-pants and pulled out an embossed business card.

“The Brockton Bay Banzai Blasters are proud to announce that we will be working in collaboration with the Dollhouse to help customize our new uniforms!”

“The Dollhouse?” Aisha asked, stars glittering in her eyes. “Wait, you hooked us up with Parian?!”

“Exactly! Here’s how it will work: We’ve got three basic designs. The classic uniform design, but with larger sections of white and red, a top and skirt design for our esteemed lady minions, and a much more casual tee, pants and jacket design. When you go in to the Dollhouse, you will choose one of these three as a base for your outfit, and then you’ll work with Parian to add supporting elements like different complementary colors, decals, and anything within your budget to customize the outfit to better suit your personality!”

Molly had to wonder how on Earth Giovanni actually got Parian to agree with this considering Parian’s supposed neutrality. I mean, the boss isn’t exactly evil incarnate or anything, but he still calls himself a villain and all. Maybe she thought that the boss was so pathetic that he would get caught immediately? 

…okay that might be a bit mean. Maybe she just recognized him from his Wards debut? That’s probably a more reasonable explanation, though it does bring up a different question.

“Um, boss?”

“Yes, Beartrap?”

“Where did you get the money to pay for so many outfits?”

“Don’t worry about it, Beartrap. I have my methods!”

Shit. He has a mysterious benefactor? Is it the PRT? No, they would never bankroll villains. This whole situation is strange the more Taylor really stops to think about it. There are two Wards here from Lexis as well as their friends, but neither of the two Protectorate Lexis members. If it was a sting operation, then Sherrel owuld liekly have been captured already too. Giovanni described this as a ‘new branch’ of the Banzai Blasters. Does that mean…is his mysterious benefactor the Banzai Blasters from his homeworld? No, that doesn’t quite fit either. Half the reason they're wards is because they can't get back to their home dimension. Taylor will just have to keep an eye on this. Things just got a lot mroe complicated.

“And while you are designing your costumes, you’ll want to keep in mind any special touches from the usual uniform…for your nicknames! All of my minions get cool minion nicknames. You’re already aware of Beartrap, Spike, and Car Crash. I, as your leader, am in charge of giving you all nicknames, but I am always open to suggestions!”

“What about me?” Taylor asked. She didn’t really care about nicknames, but if it made her seem like more of a Banzai Blaster, it might make it easier to integrate. Psychologically, terms of endearment tended to make people harbor feelings of fondness easier. Naturally, this should be weaponized.

“I don’t know.” Giovanni said. “I like to give my minions nicknames based on their personalities and character traits.”

“How is crashing cars a character trait?” Squealer asked.

“It’s memorable, okay! Still…I’m not sure if I know enough to make an informed decision.”

A lightbulb went on over Giovanni’s head.

“Unless…your girlfriend could tell us more about you?”

Shit! Giovanni is smart. He must be onto Tammi! He heard her comment earlier about how they met yesterday, and he’s using the question to try and sus her out. If she’s too accurate, he might suspect that she’s a spy because it would contradict her cover story, but if she’s not accurate enough, he might doubt her cover, which is only cover and nothing else. Fortunately for Tammi, she has been paying 110% of her attention since yesterday learning everything she could about Taylor for totally straight reasons. She could pass this test!

“S-she likes to read, she’s quiet... And! And she knows cool facts about bugs!”

Taylor did, but that’s only because when you have intimate knowledge of what an insect feels when it exposits eggs into someone’s drywall, it’s kind of frustrating not knowing what to call everything she’s technically feeling. Giovanni nodded with a satisfied expression on her face.

“Then how about…Bookworm!”

“Who would name a book ‘Worm’?” Spike asked.

Taylor was ambivalent, but she appreciated that she didn’t have to think of a name herself. She wouldn’t have this name for long, but she was still thankful to Tammi for being perceptive. It was nice to know that Tammi was at least putting in some effort to get along with a loser like her.

“Bookworm is fine.” She said neutrally.

“I’m glad you like it. Last but not least, we will start scheduling our first villainous act in the bay!”

Taylor, Brian, and Tammi all very unsubtly leaned forward.

“We will be hosting the first ever Brockton Bay Banzai Blaster Bake Sale!”

Three thought processes stopped all at once.

Bake sale? Was this a joke?

“You see, back home on Earth Lexis, there are no laws preventing people with Epithets from working normal jobs, but here? If you have a power which lets you make hot dogs, for example, you can’t use it to sell hot dogs! I mean, it’s blatantly ridiculous! Obviously, the idea of protecting Mundie workers from someone who can just magic up some hot dogs is a great idea, but people with powers not being able to work at all? It’s ridiculous!”

“So! Our first act as a gang will be to break this very law!”

Oh. Molly thought. That explains why Parian is helping us out…

This just sounds like political activism? Taylor thought.

I don’t know shit about baking! Sherrel panicked. 

Obviously, in order to break this law, we need powers! Beartrap and I, obviously, have powers, but please, if you have either an Epithet or Parahuman ability, stand up!

Of the five parahumans, only Dinah and Sherrel stand up.

“Two, huh? That gives us a total of four. That should be plenty! We’ll discuss the details more thoroughly at our next meeting, but for now? Grab some seconds, or some dessert if you prefer, and we’ll decide on a movie.”

When he said the word ‘dessert’, Sherrel jumped up like a Jack in the Box.

“Fuck yeah! Finally! Chocolate lush come to mama!”

“Hey! No Swearing around the children! Get back in here!”

“Chocolaaate!!!” Aisha yelled, running into the kitchen after wih Spike hot on her tail.

“Aisha, wait your turn please!” Brian ineffecutally pleaded, rushing in after them.

Car Crash awkwardly stood up, turning to everyone else. 

“Uh, anyone of you want anything? I can bring you something.”

“It’s okay, I don’t like sweets. Molly said.

“Bring me some chocolate if there is any!” Dinah said excitedly.

Tammi and Taylor both shook their heads, resuming their mutually ignorant cuddling. Car Crash walked into the chaotic jamboree of people in the kitchen, leaving everyone else in listening to the sound of a children's cartoon and distant sounds of yelling.

“Ugh.” Molly said, holding her head. “They’re being so loud.”

“But it’s a good loud, isn’t it?” Dinah asked rhetorically.

Molly smiled softly.

“Yeah. I’d say so.”

Chapter Text

Ah, the Boardwalk. Center of Commerce in the not so lovely city of Brockton Bay. High end stores and fine-ish restaurants line the side of Brockton's beach. Looking out over the overcast beach are tables filled with chatting socialites, cheery tourists, and the hip and happening citizens of the Bay itself. The baying of seagulls rings out as an ominous threat to any who would dare leave french fries unattended. Normally, given the still early spring of this season, not many people would be out. As nice as the Boardwalk is with its plentiful and colorful businesses as well as its view of the Rig out on the water, this is still Brockton Bay. It's not tourist season, not yet anyways, but there's still a veritable crowd of people around the boardwalk.

"Can I have your autograph?"

An excited little girl with pigtails holds up a stuffed bear with a big stupid smile on her face. I must have zoned out there.

"S-sure."

I'm so glad I have my face mask which at least somewhat obscures my facial expressions. I wanted the mask to be more normal and not clear so I could grimce without having to worry about it, but apparently the image department didn't like the idea of a young female Ward having a mask with a mute button literally covering her mouth. Something about straight people? I don't know. All I knew was that I had the illusion of safety that masks normally provided to relieve my anxiety, but none of the actual benefits.

"Who am I making it out to?"

"Samantha."

"Okay." I said, trying to inject confidence into my voice. Naven once said that looking confident in yourself was halfway to being confident. He said that the things you say and think about yourself can have real effects on who you are. Someone who constantly makes self-depreciating comments to be funny might end up internalizing some of those feelings. 'Change starts in the way you think' he said.

Easier said than done.

I signed the bear's tag and let out a sigh as she stepped away. That was the last one in line…for now.

"You holding up okay?" Missy, or Vista in costume, asked.

"I guess so."

"Really?" She asked skeptically. "Then why are you wringing your hands so much?"

"Huh?"

"Whenever you get stressed out at school, you always grip the straps of your backpack, but when we're in gym or something where you don't have it on, you usually default to wringing your hands instead."

Oh. I never noticed that I did that.

"I-"

Naven said that the most important part of friendships is honesty. I wouldn't say Missy is as good a friend as Feenie or Trixie, but she's been great at school, and she's got a really strong sense of justice that's hard not to admire.

"Well…I guess even though it's just an intro patrol, people are coming up to me asking for autographs and stuff, but I don't really feel like I've done anything to deserve it."

"Well…" Missy began, leaning on the railing of the boardwalk while politely waving at a family walking by. "The boardwalk introduction is a Brockton Bay classic. Gets you out to meet the people, but as the Ward doing the work? It's not that fun. Pretty much any cape worth their luster would rather be out fighting the good fight. It sucks."

"That's not entirely fair." Said Dea- I mean Gallant as he and Boss walked over, having just finished off their own round of signing things. "Being a hero isn't all about action, it's all about making people feel safer. Being out here and being approachable is all a part of that goal."

"If the goal is to be approachable, why don't PRT uniforms show the face?"

"I can answer that one!" Giovanni, er, Mulligan said. I'll get one of those names wrong at the worst time I can just feel it. "Any self respecting group hiring minions should give them the option of partial anonymity. It's much better for safety after all."

"Mulligan, please never refer to PRT officers as minions, especially not in front of their faces." Gallant chided.

"Of course, of course."

"I get all that, but I kind of feel like I don't deserve all the happy looks people are giving us."

"New heroes are always a welcome sight." Gallant said. "It's not as common an occasion as you would hope, sadly."

I guess so, but…I'm not sure if I'm cut out for something so important. It's the reason the local evil government is willing to put everyone up with accommodations, so I should probably do something to prove I'm worth all that effort. I don't want to impose, but it's a little scary thinking that I might have to fight some villain.

"I don't know. I mean, I'm not sure I'm quite cut out for crime-fighting."

"Do you mean fighting crime or fighting as crime?" Mulligan asked genuinely. Gallant gave him a lightly concerned side-eye.

"A bit of both. I guess growing up in 'Lexis' where powers weren't always a career-deciding thing, I never expected to be in law enforcement at my age."

It wasn't entirely true that powers didn't decide your career. Having an Epithet just made it so much easier to get whatever career you wanted really. The violence wasn't as compulsory.

"Yeah. I thought ACAB applied back home, but yeesh, this place really takes anyone with powers they can get." the Boss nodded, sagely.

"Hey, you're the lucky ones on this." Vista said. "You just get born with cool powers. Us Bet power-havers have it much worse when it comes to getting our powers, isn't that right Gallant?"

"Yeah." Gallant said a bit awkwardly for his professional demeanor. I guess it is a pretty dicey topic of conversation to be having in public. "Parahumans are definitely different from 'Inscribed'. The way you described people with powers in your world, a lot of them just use their powers to help them get jobs or do cool party tricks. Parahuman research has found that parahumans are attracted to conflict. Vicky said that if we don't use our powers, we get all sorts of messed up."

Right, Gallant has that nerdy girlfriend of his that he can't stop talking about. It's usually one of three things when he brings her up. Fashion, Collateral Damage, and Cape Science. Vista also seems to like her, so that's a second point in her favor even though I've yet to meet her. Apparently she's Panacea's sister, which I'm not sure whether that's a third point in her favor or not.

"I guess you're right."

It doesn't matter. I probably shouldn't complain about it when we've got it so much better than they do in this world all things considered. People with Epithets have a much easier time getting jobs all the time, and most of the time they don't really do anything to get their powers.

"That's not entirely fair." Mulligan said, swishing his cape for several tourists who squee'd like teenage girls spotting a member of their favorite boy band. "If we don't have that same drive to crack skulls that you do, which I'm pretty sure I don't but I can't be certain about young Dumbstruck here, then putting us in the Wards is kind of like taking a puzzle piece and jamming it into a Lego™."

Missy snorted.

"Good analogy. The PRT and Protectorate are our only organization that handles powers, so they're just doing what they can to get you in the system where it's easier to keep an eye on you." Dean said.

"I get that, but like, what if the six of us didn't have powers? Would they have just let whatever happen to us?"

Dean looked out over the ocean with a thoughtful expression on his face.

"Well, at the least if you could get people to believe you about the whole 'Earth Lexis' thing without powers, then they might at least put you up in simple accommodations."

"Exactly." Giovanni said next to me. "We're kind of an edge case. I mean, back home, no one would have taken a look at old soup boy and thought he could be a vi-hero! Hero."

"I dunno boss, you made the villain thing work."

"Thank you." Giovanni said sounding pleased with himself. "But like, just having an Epithet means you get picked over Mundies for work even if they can do the job better than you. Here there's no option to get preferential hiring at like a hot dog stand or something, it's all hero or villain. Don't get me wrong, it is WICKED that you have the whole comic book shtick going on, like, mega cool, but I'm not sure if it's better, you know?"

I guess I did. I never really though that hard about what I wanted to do back home. I guess I just sort of thought that it would work itself out, or that I might be working at the toy store when I was older. When we fell through that portal in the museum, though, that decision was kind of made for me. I don't think I ever would have chosen 'super-hero' as a career. After all the signing and greetings, it feels kind of exhausting, and I'm not even all that sure I'll be as into the fighting as Missy is.

But when Missy talks about fighting bad guys and being a hero, it's so easy to believe in it. It feels mean to say I'm not invested in the people here like she is, but I'm not. That's not to say I don't care, just…doing good like this feels kind of nebulous. People here have fewer powers, and over half of the people with powers just want to hurt and exploit people. Surely I could fight against stuff like that, right? I shouldn't be a coward, but I'm definitely not good enough to protect anyone. Capes take to violence easier like Gallant said, but me? I'm just a fish out of water. I don't belong here.

"Yeah." I said, looking out over the setting sun on the hazy horizon of Brockton Bay. "But we're here, right? We should still try to make a difference."

Missy gave me a genuine smile.

"That's the spirit. You're already a great hero."

She just wanted to support me. She made being a hero seem so easy. So why did her words make me feel queasy?

I guess it doesn't matter. I just have to try and fake it till I make it. Act confident.

Be a Hero.

Under the almost feather-light rays of the sterile sun, Phoenica and her cohort made their way through a thick forest. The gamey texture of bark was different from tree to tree. Hyper Realistic trees clipped into pixel art, wildgrasses were intermixed with crayon colored stems of Pikmin and an alarming amount of thorny vines hung overhead. The sounds of buzzing Rareware dragonflies underscored the distant sound of nondiegetic ocarina as the sounds flowed in from all directions.

Yet there was no smell of pollen or dandy, no smell of running creek or humid temperature to fill their noses. When touched, normal leaves or a pixelated tree would feel like textbook paper, bright red apples would taste like applesauce with all the sugar that entailed, and worst of all, the ocarina music was clearly looping, and clumsily at that.

Still, for every flaw in this forest, that didn't stop some of them from enjoying the atmosphere.

"Hey Feenie!" Trixie said, pointing off in the distance. "That tree isn't touching the ground."

"Aw, Darn it! How are you so good at this, Trixie?"

The two of them had taken to playing a game of eye spy as they traversed the forest. Every time one of them saw something that didn't make any sense, they would call it out and add a point to their tally. Eventually, their standards for what constituted a 'point' grew higher and higher. After all, there were low poly plants everywhere, and pointing out stuff that just barely didn't fit right was much easier than doing the reverse. Stuff that counted for points was heavily argued.

Part of why Phoenica was losing was because she had grown up thinking it was rude to look for the flaws in other people. It was much more polite to look for something nice to say about someone, and getting in the habit of doing the opposite would be extremely rude.

The other reason she was losing was because she didn't spend much time in forests and didn't know if fruit was supposed to levitate under a branch or not.

"I just have those special eyes."

"Oh you do alright." Phoenica said in the least aggressive 'angry' voice ever. "Just you watch. I'll find something incorrect any moment now!"

"Those trees are clipping into each other."

"Darn it!"

Naven and the rest of the gang are trailing ahead of the two girls. much more focused on making headway than making merry.

"Are you really sure just, picking a direction is going to work out for us Uber?"

The group had craned their necks in the clearing examining anything visible on the ceiling. They had even climbed a tree! But they couldn't find a tower that fit Uber's description. Eventually realizing that they were already on a time limit and hadn't made any progress, they really had no choice but to explore and hope to come across a clue of some kind.

"Sure thing, Sylv." Uber said, confidently. "It's basic game design. You want players to have a goal in front of them they can work towards so they don't get bored or frustrated. If that clearing we were in was the entrance to the game world, then think of the forest like a tutorial area."

"I'm starting to hate video games." Sylvie grumbled to himself.

"Come on, dude! Video Games are awesome and fun! Sure this isn't the best introduction, but don't diss them!"

"It's a bunch of references none of us get thrown into a big bowl of soup." Lorelai complained. "We're just walking through a forest. It's not even a particularly enchanting forest. I could do better than this in my sleep."

"If you had your Epithet that is." Naven pointed out. Lorelai just frowned.

"You don't have to keep pointing it out." She said a bit sadly.

"Not that I'm much of a 'gamer' myself, but I think how much you enjoy yourself is a matter of perspective. Phoenica and Trixie seem to be having quite a bit of fun. Indus too when he's not thinking about his master." Naven added sagely.

"Of course the kids would enjoy it." Sylvie interjected. "Games are more of a kid's thing. Adults like us enjoying them would be weird, right?"

"Not necessarily." Naven said. "Part of being a mature adult is enjoying what you want regardless of other peoples' judgements."

"I…see."

This was stupid, Lorelai thought. Her dream bubbles are fictional worlds. Sure, they are an incredible form of creative expression where you can experience everything and make anything you set your mind to, but looking around at the dimensionally challenged trail mix of a forest around her only highlights how not real everything here is. It's not like her bubbles where she spends hours or even days at a time breathing life and character into it.

This? After she got over the scale and variety of the world, it quickly became clear that this place was empty. Save for the occasional harmless butterfly or bird, there was scarcely anything interesting anywhere. It was a gorgeous patchwork landscape with nothing in it. So blatantly artificial and not even attempting to hide it. Why play with butterflies if they aren't even real? The realization was like lead in her gut. Nothing here felt real because none of it was.

She feels like she's been putting lipstick on a pig for the past two years.

"That tree won't stop shaking." Trixie said.

"Hey! That's not a point, that tree is also shaking."

Lorelai looked around. All the trees were vibrating.

A low rumble built up in the forest. In the air. In the sky. Looking up, the rescue party watched as the artificial light of the sun built up as though none of it was escaping. It looked to be getting hotter and hotter. The temperature in the air went up several degrees as the shaking intensified. A high pitched thrum, which pierced their ears like a branding iron, slowly increased in volume.

"W-what's going on?" Sylvie shouted, clutching his ears.

"Everyone, quickly, take cover!" Naven shouted, guiding them under a large, less hazardously polygonal tree.

The shaking grew louder and louder until it was at the volume of a jet engine. If there was any life in the forest it would have fled with the sheer amount of shaking. Like a tornado every tree that had the physics to do it swished and strained against the wind.

A deafening sound pulsed out from the center of the vortex world. A wave of light passed over them at beyond light speeds and things…blended. Fixed? Floating trees rooted into the ground. Trees started moving as they were supposed to. Like a delayed reaction, birds started furiously chirping and forest critters ran out from their dwellings in a start. The patchwork blend of different false realities became more and more seamless, and the world became much more….real.

Whatever had happened had patched up the world in real time.

"What was that?!" Lorelai shouted.

"It looks like Leet isn't quite done around here." Naven commented, stepping out from under the now more tactile tree. "We shouldn't dally. Whatever Leet is doing up there, she's making progress, and we might not be able to save her if she completes her work."

"R-right." Syvlie said. "Let's get going."

The party collected themselves before making their way through the forest at a slightly hastier pace. It was easy to get distracted by all the sights and sounds, but at the end of the day, this world was filled with unknowns. It was only a matter of time before they encountered something dangerous.

As Lorelai stepped into a patch of small grass on the trail, a thin video game menu thrust itself at her like a jumpscare in a horror game.Lorelai shrieked and fell on her ass, looking up to see a screen over the words.

"Battle?" She asked incredulously as the rest of the group stopped behind her. "With what?!"

"I guess that." Trixie said deadpan, pointing ahead of them. Poorly concealed to the point that you would have to be literally blind to see them were four figures huddled behind a small stump. A Purple Rat the size of a Cat was peering out from behind the stump with a red bandana wrapped around it's head and a fierce look in its eyes. Poking out from the other side of the stump was what looked like a literal cardboard cutout of a brown mushroom someone had drawn stubby little feet and a grumpy face onto. Above the dimensionally challenged Portabello was a floating girl about the size of a Barbie doll wearing a blue-purple leotard alongside arm length gloves and knee length boots. Her fairy wings fluttered gently as she bobbed her short red haired head in the group's direction with a mischievous smile.

And lastly, the reason they couldn't be stealthy in the slightest, a smiling snowman like creature was just casually sitting on the log, bobbing its feet back and forth while waving its arms around as it bobbed up and down in place. It had a blue mantle and jester's cap that stood out like a sore thumb.

"A random encounter!" Uber exclaimed. "That means we have to fight!"

"...does it though?" Sylvie asked. "Can't we just, like, go around?"

"What are you scared of, four-eyes?" Jack Frost asked cheekily as hee hopped over. "Do you not have enough chest hair to get into a fight?"

Sylvie stared back at the strange creature in confusion.

"What's it to you? I'm totally man enough to fight you! We're just a bit busy, so if you could kindly le-"

A ball of ice materialized in front of Sylvie and immediately detonated like a grenade, sending cold air and ice fragments directly into Sylvie. He quickly fell back, accidentally avoiding most of the attack but falling prone in the process.

"W-what the!?"

"I don't think they're going to give us a choice in the matter." Naven said.

"Ugh. Whatever. Just…get this over with."

Lorelai was scared, but there were four enemies and seven of them. That and the enemies all looked rather weak. There were stakes, but they weren't very high. This was just annoying more than anything.

"Fine. Let's see how you like an overwhelming numbers advantage! Counting Sheep!"

One after the other, a herd of yellow sheep materialized around Sylvie, which-

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!♥️✨💖"

Phoenica squealed at such a high pitch that flocks of birds immediately fled from the sound in over a mile radius. She sprinted over to the sheep and began scooping them all up to hug one after the other.

"Oh my stars! You can SUMMON SHEEP?! I LOVE sheep! And you can summon so many! What are their names?! Who's your favorite?! Can I have one?! Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease!!!"

Sylvie was immediately overwhelmed with all the questions.

"W-what? They're my summons! I'm just going to use them to put the enemies to sleep so we can move on."

"And risk them getting hurt?! I forbid it!"

"But tha-"

"Forbid! It!"

"Ugh, fine! I guess I've got my other options. I guess I should DREAM! BIG!"

Indus casually walked up to Sylvie, who was shouting like a Dragon Ball character, and hit him on the head really hard.

"Why the heck did you do that?!" Lorelai shouted.

"Simple. For Doctor Ashling to Dream Big, he must be unconscious. And we want to win fast, yes. Therefore, the faster he passes out, the faster we can defeat our opponents!"

"I…don't think that's how it works." Naven said gently.

Sylvie was still passed out.

"Oh." Indus said somewhat ashamed. "Oops."

Indus felt a minor pain on his shin. He looked down to see the purple rat ineffectually chewing on his ankle.

"Now is my chance to redeem my honor! I am sorry, young rodent, but I'm afraid I must not hold back!"

Indus leaned down, picked up the rodent by the scruff of its neck, and threw it as hard as he could into a nearby tree.

"I have defeated our adversary!" Indus said proudly.

"No you didn't." Uber said, pointing to the Rattata. Its body was covered in anime style bruises, and a thin trail of blood leaked stylishly from the side of its mouth. It struggled to get to its feet, its bandanna dramatically tattered and blowing in the now extant gentle breeze like a fan was blowing at it from offscreen. Its eyes were filled with determination.

"That's just a rat, right?" Trixie asked. "I've suplexed plenty of rats, and I've never seen one not run away immediately or pass out from a move like that."

"The focus sash!" Uber said much like Brock would in literally any gym battle in the Pokemon anime. "It gives the wearer the ability to survive one hit guaranteed."

"That's not even fair!" Lorelai complained.

"It's not. Wild Pokemon don't typically hold items."

"That's not what I- Ugh. Whatever. It's not a big deal. Indus, just, punch it again or something."

"Right away!"

The rat ran back up to Indus filled with determination as Indus met the rodent head on!

Rattata threw itself at Indus with everything it had. A storm of power and quickness as it effortlessly evaded Indus's every swipe! A scratch here, a bite there, a tail swipe there! Like chipping at a slab of granite, Indus was slowly ground down in a feverish, relentless assault! By the time Rattata jumped back, Indus was almost unconscious.

"What the heck just happened? That's just a rat!"

"Endeavor. It-"

"You know what? I don't care. Indus, just hit it with one of your Barriers!"

"Right away, La-"

A small, rat sized missile collided with Indus's face at incredible speed, sending him tumbling to the ground.

"It seems… I have underestimated you, honorable rat. Please, tell me your name so that I might remember your strength."

"Rattata!"

"Rattata… You have won a great victory this day. I look forward…to our next duel."

Rattata stood on top of Indus's unconscious body with a look of pride and honor gleaming in its eyes…

A rock sailed forward, hitting Rattata on the flank and bouncing off. Rattata stood there for one confused moment before slumping over, its eyes turned to swirls.

"Finally! It only took two of our best fighters to beat a literal rat!"

Lorelai turned to the rest of the enemies…only to find only Jack and Pixie there smiling at her with wicked grins in their faces. What was so funny? Lorelai got ready to walk over and punch them-

"Lorelai! Jump Back!" Naven shouted out in alarm.

Lorelai panicked at his tone but decided to listen. She hopped back only to hear a small *Thnk* in front of her. Looking at where she had been standing, a deep, thin slice had appeared in the ground between her feet. She finally realized what had happened when the Paper Goomba shook from side to side trying to dislodge itself from the soil.

"It's too flat. If it walks at you in a straight line, you can easily miss it." Naven said.

"It's too sharp for you. Let me handle it." Uber said with confidence.

"It's just paper. Let's just burn it or something."

"No need!" Uber said

Uber helped Lorelai up before making her stand back. Skills and knowledge flowed into Uber's brain from his power. The specific talent he was looking for was perfectly emulated, every minutiae of papercrafting that could possibly have existed and even some that didn't! Origami, Quilling, Paper Mache, Cardmaking, Scrapbooking, and Papercrafts! As though a savant on this mortal plane, the most talented there ever was, Uber expertly handled the Goomba; folding and pressing without getting a single papercut.

Uber folded the hypersharp Goomba into a fancy paper plane.

"And then, we send him on his way." Uber said with cheer, using his knowledge to appreciate how well put together the place was as he lazily threw it into the wind.

The paper plane left his hands… and immediately flew in a loop and stabbed into the back of his head.

Unfortunately for Uber, just because he can become an expert at anything doesn't mean he's a genius. For example, being good at papercraft means knowing how to make a paper plane… but not how to fly one. Uber stood there motionless for a moment as blood started trickling down the back of his head.

"...ow."

Lorelai just put her face in her hands and groaned.

The Paper Goomba dislodged itself and unfolded into its full sharp glory next to Uber's unconscious body. It started to waddle over to Trixie.

"Uh, can I hurt this thing?"

"Please do." Lorelai said.

"No, I mean like, it's not real, is it?"

"No, Trixie. It's not real. Nothing in this world is!"

"...okay."

Trixie reached into her sleeved and pulled out what could only be described as too many box cutters. The Goomba jumped in the air for a headbonk, but Trixie just stepped out of the way and started slicing into the Paper Goomba like a trailer park werewolf! Unfortunately for the Goomba, its defenses were paper thin.

"...that was easy." Trixie said at the scene of a murder that just looked like someone had emptied a pencil sharpener onto the forest floor.

"Good job, Trixie!" Phoenica cheered. "Two more to go!"

"Wait…can any of you three fight?" Trixie asked. It was kind of a misleading question since Trixie herself had never been in a fight in her life up until now, and she had basically just played rock-paper-scissors when she could only play scissors and her opponent was literally made of paper. She was still scared that somehow that she would mess it up with the added skill component. Scared of fighting in general.

"Nope!" "It's not in my constitution." "Not without my Epithet…"

Oh. That was bad!

What was worse is that their enemies decided not to sit around and watch anymore.

The pixie outstretched her arms with a blue glow emanating from the tips. A small bolt of electricity trailed off toward Trixie. Trixie, having been taught by her older siblings not to get caught off guard, was ready and ducked just out of the way.

…too bad she was still holding far too many metal knives.

The bolt streaked into Trixie, jolting her, locking up her muscles and hurting. Hurting a lot!

Pixie stretched her arm out to follow up, sending another bolt headed straight for Trixie! Lorelai was the only one close enough, but she wasn't next to Trixie, she was in front of her. The only way she could stop the attack was jumping in front of it!

But…Lorelai had never been hurt by her own power before. Heck, she didn't get hurt almost ever! Even when she built elaborate heroic scenarios fighting monsters of her own creation, she would always dumb down the pain for herself. It was fine to look hurt, but being hurt was another matter. This wasn't something she could just modulate. If she jumped in front of the bolt she would seriously get hurt.

Lorelai hesitated a moment too long. The bolt sailed past her and hit Trixie again. This time it was lights out.

Shoot! If she had just sucked it up and taken the hit, they would still have someone who could fight left! Stupid! Lorelai felt terrible. Everyone else in this group was a genuine idiot, and the ones that weren't couldn't even fight! How was she supposed to get her Epithet back at this rate?!

"Lorelai?"

It was Naven. Lorelai had been staring at the ground in frustration.

"Just…keep that in mind next time."

…whatever.

Jack Frost swaggered up to Naven, Lorelai, and Trixie with the panache of a twelve year old with a foil charizard on the playground.

"Fight me-ho!" The creature said happily.

"How about instead, we talk things out?" Naven bargained with a level voice.

"Are you really a man if you can't fight your own battles?"

"There's lots of different ways to be a 'man'. Besides, I'm more of a social butterfly."

"Wow. Do your balls produce soy instead of testosterone, ho?"

"...no." Naven said with a straining smile. "Could I convince you to leave somehow?"

Jack Frost thought long and hard…not.

"Give me-hee all your money, ho!"

Naven reached into his pocket, pulled out his wallet, and handed Jack Frost twenty dollars.

"You know, there's more where that came from." Naven said, an idea forming in his head. "If you come along to help protect us, I would gladly give you more."

With actual backup, they could make even faster time than normal. Naven had enough bills in his pocket to keep the creature satisfied for long enough, he thought.

"Hmmm. I dunnho! Maybe if you gave me twenty more dollars, I'd figure it out faster!" Jack Frost said.

Well…even if he burned through his money faster than he thought, only a little while was worth it to him. He was rich after all. Naven sighed and handed Jack Frost Twenty more dollars.

"So…what do you think?"

"Ho! Uhhh…" Jack Frost put hees hand up and rubbed hees chin. "Oh, uh, I forgot! My Refrigerator's running!"

"Oh! Oh! I've heard this one before!" Phoenica said excitedly. "Then you better go catch-"

…well. It worked, in a manner of speaking. All that left was-

The bolt of electricity hit Naven. Naven, for all of his interpersonal skills, lacked very much in terms of constitution, and immediately fell to the ground. He didn't pass out, but he was clearly out of this battle.

Pixie flew up to Lorelai and Phoenica.

"So who's next?" She said with a childlike danger flowing through her echoing voice.

"Oh! Me! Pick me! I have some choice words for you!" Phoenica said.

"Are you stupid, you little brat?! She's asking who wants to get zapped!"

"...but no one wants to get zapped. I just want to talk." Phoenica says, genuinely confused.

Lorelai shivered a bit under the gaze of this Pixie as she hovered just out of range for both of them. There was nothing that either of them could do but talk. Lorelai had no idea what to say to this fairy. Without her Epithet, she really didn't have anything to offer. She just had to hope things went well.

She felt powerless.

"What did you want to say?" Pixie asked innocently.

"I wanted to tell you that you should join us so you can apologize to Trixie and Naven for zapping them! They're my friends!"

Pixie just chuckled.

"Hmmm. But I don't want to."

"You should! It's awfully rude to attack us for no reason. I mean, none of us even attacked you, did we?"

"...no. I guess you didn't. You're right. I've been a little mean." Pixie said in a voice that was somewhere between remorseful and playful."

"Phoenica." Naven croaked out from the ground ten feet away. "I don't think this is a very good idea. We have no clue what any of the creatures here are like, or what their motives are."

"Did you just call me a creature! Rude!"

"Yeah. Rude!" Phoenica said, echoing Pixie in a huff. "You no longer have to apologize to Naven if you join us."

"Hmmm. That would give me opportunities to zap him in the future…"

"Phoenica, please-"

"Maybe." Phoenica said, promising to apologize to Naven later. "So what do you say, Pixie?"

Pixie made a show of considering her options, humming and hawwing while toddering back and forth in a hover.

"I don't know. Maybe if you gave me twenty dollars, I'd consider it." Pixie said with a mischievous glint in her eyes.

"Phoenica, I think we've established a pattern at this point." Naven said, the rare frown adorning his face.

Phoenica joined him in frowning.

"Shoot. I don't actually have twenty dollars on me." Phoenica said as she pulled out her pocketbook from her dress pocket and looked through five bills, sullenly pulling one out and holding it out for Pixie to inspect.

"I'm sorry, is this okay?" She said ashamed.

Pixie fluttered down a bit to inspect the bill.

One thousand Dollarydoos.

The glint in Pixie's eyes shifted almost imperceptibly. Her smile did not, widening into a very happy grin.

"Oh I like you kid. Pretty AND Rich! I'd gladly join your group!"

"You would?! Yay!"

"Phoenica, please reconsi-"

"I'm Pixie of the Fairy Clan. I'm sure we'll be best friends!"

Pixie flew down to Phoenica who immediately started gushing over her new friend by pulling out a hankerchief to make into a cape for her new friend. Naven just watched their exchange and sighed before smiling.

"...oh what do I know?" he said wistfully.

Lorelai just slumped to the ground.

"Finally, it's over! Now we can get out of here!"

"What are you talking about?" Uber said, his voice muffled as he was still face in the dirt. "That was only one encounter."

"...one?" Lorelai said, voice already pre-prepping expletives for what was almost certainly some video game thing.

"Yeah. Random Encounters happen all the time. I mean, Pixie gets Dia, so we'll have a healer, but if we want to get to Leet, we're gonna have to fight a lot of random encounters. We might even have to grind a bit and find some gear too depending on how hard the fight is. I mean, this was a fight with some of the weakest enemies out there. While were on the topic, we should really start thinking about our party composi-"

"...I hate video games."

Chapter Text

As the sun crested over the distant horizon, a gentle chime went off signalling the early start to a lovely early morning. Lisa Willbourne slowly rolled her way out of bed with a gentle smile. It helped that her power told her exactly how comfortable her comforter actually was. It was the kind of day that you didn't want to get out of bed, and Lisa hadn't felt this way in a while. Usually her boss, Coil, would be telling her to go to spy on some political rivals, gang rivals, or people he just wanted to fuck with for some overarching goal he would never fill her in on. He liked her getting up bright and early.

He was also in jail. After summarily getting drunk at a bender to celebrate her boss's arrest, she returned home and worked her ass of making sure it stuck. If she ever met that Molly girl, she was definitely going to get her autograph. Sadly, she had other things to worry about.

Money was not one of them. As soon as she realized he was in the slammer, she immediately hacked into his accounts and committed some delightful financial fraud. She had enough money that she could live like a queen for the rest of her life. Oh yes, Lisa had money, but she also had the Undersiders.

Alec was honestly pretty easy to handle. He just wanted to sit back, be lazy, and not have to worry about stuff, which was honestly a mood. He also played video games, which is about the easiest way to tell he's not from Brockton Bay. No one in the Bay likes video games who is willing to admit it. Lisa understood, of course. Uber and Leet were incredibly lame and made games look lame. It was crazy how fast the Gamestops here closed when she looked it up. It was like they all just instantly went under or something.

Still, paying for Alex to have a live in maid and a penthouse apartment was a good way of making sure he stayed out of trouble. Bitch, however, had sort of been distant lately. Lisa had made sure to keep paying her, of course, but Bitch has never been much of a people person. No, she takes being a dog person to the extreme, and not always in the fun way.

Then there was Brian, her least favorite Undersider. He wasn't a bad guy, but he was the reason Lisa was waking up before 1pm today, so that made him evil beyond reason. Brian's sister had apparently hoped to join a new villain group in the bay, and Brian wanted her assurance that they were as innocent as they looked. He handed her a list of members and asked her to spy on them. Now, he didn't have any money to offer, no that was all Lisa's for the dividing and divying, but Lisa had a weakness.

It was snooping.

Lisa couldn't bear to keep her nose out of a piece of drama, and this was no different. Lisa LOVED drama. Lived on it, breathed it, consumed it. Not fictional drama, but real life drama. Brian asking her to spy on a group of interconnected strangers was like holding out tinkertech catnip in front of an excitable kitten.

Also she was bored, sue her.

Crawling her way out of bed with a grumpy snoozle, she ambled over to her large, expensive kitchen in her fox pajama onesie, made herself some coffee and bread, and made her way over to her Computer. She snooped on everyone. Absolutely everyone. The hard part was sifting through the footage to find what she was looking for. Thankfully she paid a tinker to put together a sorting algorithm to help her cut out the clips that wouldn't interest her.

"Alright, Banzai Blasters, let's see what you get up to.."

PRT ENE, PROTECTORATE HEADQUARTERS

If you're going to wake up in the morning to spy, you should always start with a warmup. The PRT is a hotbed of drama, and it's much more amusing than E88 meetings. Well, most of the time anyways. Lisa isn't really sure how Kaiser hasn't noticed Fenja and Menja screwing from literally right next to him, but it makes for some excellent Schadenfreude. Plus, they make pretty great informants. Like, sure Kaiser, those camera shaped belt buckles are all the rage in fashion nowadays, totally.

The clip starts and Armsmaster is in his workshop (what else is new?). Watchtower walks in with her oddly robotic body language

"Greetings and Salutations, Master of Arms."

(Voice and tone is weirdly jilted. Percy doesn't notice.)

"Hello, Percy. And please, call me Colin. I am told that first names are more appropriate in private than cape names."

(Armsmaster thinks Percy is exceptionally normal. The way she talks is easier for him to understand without his algorithm. Doesn't use his algorithm on Percy.)

"Indeed. Have you seen Ms. Salamin by any chance? I've been looking for her ever since she left her lunch behind this morning."

"She was just here, actually. She heard you were coming and groaned something about 'totally platonic life-partners' before leaving."

(Salamin was fine alone with Armsmaster. Would be fine alone with Percy. Finds the two of them together to be annoying.)

"Life-partner? Ah, I see what's going here."

(Does not see what's going on here.)

"Salamin must have found herself a friend. The miscreants have been rather quiet lately. Salamin must have taken some time to meet some new people and get accquainted with the town she is sworn to protect. Good for her."

(That is not even remotely what happened. Something happened. Mera Salamin not used to getting out much. Unlikely to have met friend in person. Met online. Mera's escape completely unrelated to her new friend.)

"Interesting..." Lisa muttered to herself. "Why avoid these two though?"

"Ah. That is good. Salamin is quite the recluse in the team, so it is good that she accquires some companions." Armsmaster said without even looking up from his work. Percy walked over to look over his shoulder.

"I must say, as much as I'm more of an architectural consultant, I am still frequently flummoxed by your inventions. I understand the theory of Tinkertech, and yet seeing it in practice is quite the different experience."

"You say this, but your explanations of Magical Physics is something I still can't quite wrap my grey matter around, though not for a lack of trying. Ha."

"Ha."

"Ha."

...

"Anyways, could you begin your discussion on magical magnetism you started last night before we were interrupted?" Armsmaster asked.

"Of course!"

For the next hour of the clip, the conversation could only be described as pure, utter technobabble. Neither side really understood what the other was talking about, but was more than happy to unsuccessfully explain concepts in elaborate ways to each other. If Percy wasn't ace, this would look like flirting. Actually, was this flirting? Lisa squinted at the screen.

(Percival King is asexual. Percival King is aromantic. Feels a kinship with Armsmaster. On some kind of spectrum. Strong sense of honesty and justice. Armsmaster possesses no social skills. Not a one. Feels that he can easily talk to Percy. Developing feelings. Completely incapable of parsing that emotional information.)

Lisa paused the clip, went into her kitchen, and came back with a large bowl of popcorn. This? This is why she spied on people.

"...and that's why micronizing that particular component improves the efficiency of the device by a whopping 3.2%."

"3.2%? That's quite a significant improvement. Highly efficient."

Armsmaster blushes.

(Armsmaster can't tell)

Lisa cronches on a handful of popcorn. Ahhhh this is the stuff! What a way to wake up! It doesn't get much better than this!

Then the screen on the wall next to Armsmaster activates. Dragon's avatar pops up with a decidedly default expression.

(Dragon not as happy as she portrays.)

"Haaaa right. Dragon." Lisa hummed.

Lisa activates her second monitor and pulls up her spyware on Saint's computer. You would think a group of tech villains would have better tech security, but the lot of them are shockingly incompetent on the internet. You would think that a preschooler's pet hamster would know not to click on a link for a free download of MegaMan, but actually having an inside window into Saint's operations Lisa knows that if the man needed to use his brain to start a fire, he'd try rubbing his brain cells together and wouldn't even get a spark. The man isn't piggybacking, he's straight up jetpacking Dragon 'Old Man of the Sea' style. If it wasn't for Saint's little boost the man would be nothing more than an online incel.

Actually, that's basically Saint. An incel who built his success off the backing of a powerful criminal dedicated to tearing a hero down. In all fairness, Dragon does even more snooping than Lisa does, but she only uses her snoopery for good like a goodie-goodie tin-shoes. I mean, she's the one who distributed those free versions of Winrar you find on the internet like dandelions in an unmowed suburban yard, even if they contain backdoors for her to spy on you. Honestly, Lisa feels a bit of kinship with Dragon, and she's got a plan to get her out of danger. A powerful parahuman under the thumb of some self obsessed mastermind? Lisa gets it. They hate to see a girlboss winning, after all.

Keeping one eye on Armsmaster's lab, Lisa opens up the spyware on Saint's phone. She only gets audio, sadly, since they aren't THAT incompetent, but audio is enough to get some more commentary.

"That thing's going back to its little pet project, I see. Still pretending to have friens like the fake it is."

Ah Saint, ever likable.

"Hello Percy, Colin. I hope things aren't too busy down there."

"Not at all, Dragon. Colin here was just informing me of his latest enhancements to his tools of trade. He is quite skilled, I must say."

Colin blushed again.

(Colin doesn't know why he blushed. Dragon knows why he blushed. Dragon is starting to feel envious in spite of knowing Percy's inclinations. Dragon crushing on Armsmaster.)

"Ohoho! A love triangle! This is rich!"

*Cronch Cronch Croch!*

"It's probing them for weaknesses." Saint says, blatantly using the wrong pronouns for Dragon like a true gentleman. Really, even he should know better. "That's what it's doing! Manipulating him into helping with her problems."

"Boss, uh, maybe she's just being friendly?" A female voice, Mags, asked.

"That thing is not a she, it's an it! Don't let its affectations fool you! We're the bulwark of humanity against it. Look at how hard it's thinking right now!"

(Dragon wondering whether she would be into Percy. Dragon currently googling 'throuple'. Dragon trying to find a way to not have to fight with a human for Armsmaster. Feels like she can't compete with someone human. Doesn't want to be manipulative.)

*CRONCH CRONCH CRONCH*

"Love is war, Dragon. Love is war."

Dragon clears her throat.

"I'm glad you two are doing okay. I was a bit worried that you wouldn't acclimate very well." Dragon said diplomatically.

"Indeed. I am grateful for the information packets you sent me. They have been indispensable to my data acquisition and were excellent reads." Percy said, helping approximately none of the misunderstandings in the room.

"Data acquisition…wait a minute!"

"Saint, no…"

"Saint yes! You spied on that meeting too! Earth Lexis has enough AI that they can afford to just throw them on street corners!"

"Geoff, I don't think you should take the vending machine thing that seriously-"

"It's her! Percival King is an AI as well! B-but how did Dragon contact her without us knowing?! That's impossible! I'm pulling the plug."

"Percy." Dragon said on the actual clip. "I gave you books."

"Yes?" Percy said, confused. "Are books not data receptacles?"

"N-no, they are…?" Dragon said, sounding more confused by the second. "Wait, I gave you a Dictionary…and a Thesaurus. You didn't finish those, did you?"

"Indeed! They were quite riveting. I even read them again with Armsmaster."

Armsmaster looked away, a bashful look on his face.

"...it was quite efficient."

(Dragon confused and jealous. Armsmaster feeling embarrassed. Percy legitimately read them. Read each book multiple times. Genuinely found them entertaining.)

"See Geoff. Books!"

"THE MACHINES HAVE TRANSCENDED THE INTERNET! As we SPEAK they are planning to suborn us!"

"...I can agree with Armsmaster being a bottom, but-"

"Armsmaster would NOT be a bottom. Man is above the machine!"

"Geoff, have you taken your meds today?" A third voice, Dobrinja asks calmly.

"What?! The Great Saint has no need for something like 'drugs'. They were probably manufactured by a machine! They cannot be trusted!"

(Saint behaves like this a lot. Ridiculously paranoid. Mags and Dobrnja realize that their current position is immensely profitable and don't want Geoff offing Dragon. Watch him at all times. Have the real backdoor locked away from where Saint can get to it.)

"Look, come on, let's get you your meds. You'll feel better after."

"No! I refuse!"

"I made these myself."

"...are you a machine?"

"Goddamnit, just- come here."

Some ruffling is heard before Lisa closes the window and looks back at what Dragon, Percy and Colin are talking about. It's physics. Lisa is patient, but not that patient. Lisa takes a sip from her coffee and hums to herself before deciding to check her usual trolling ground.

PHO.

Instead of wandering aimlessly, however, she has a target in mind. Finding someone on PHO can be a nightmare, even with her power. However, if you happen to have a ton of information from, say, a press release, that makes it all a lot easier. With bated breath, Lisa pinches her nose and takes the plunge.


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♦Topic: Brockton By Hobby Groups

In: Boards ► US Creative Forum ► Creative Writing ► Fursonas

Glasswork (Original Poster) (Verified Cape)

Posted On Mar 30th 2011:

Hi all! I'm new to the Brockton Bay Area and wanted to know if anyone in the area was into the furry-scene. I don't do any of the weird suit stuff, but I like the art style and wouldn't mind talking to someone about it.


(Didn't intend to post on her main account. Forgot to swap accounts. Her alt account is GwenniferFoxe)

Lisa almost gagged on her popcorn. She wasn't one to judge…okay she was, but Furry was, on the Earth Bet scale of things to do with your spare time, not even broaching the top one hundred worst. It's just…Gwennifer? Really?


(Showing page 1 of 36)


►KayDio-Da

Replied On Mar 30th 2011:

Wait, is this that new cape from Brockton? The hot one with the purple hair?


►MikeHawk (Cape Groupie)

Replied On Mar 30th 2011:

Oh my god you're right LOL. Protectorate has an out furry!


►SinclairFoieGras

Replied On Mar 30th 2011:

Hey, she's from another world. Maybe it's not like a stigma over on… Alexis I think it's called?


►GrammarYahtzee

Replied On Mar 30th 2011:

Lexis*


►MikeHawk (Cape Groupie)

Replied On Mar 30th 2011:

@GrammarYahtzee Shut up.

This wasn't planned, was it? If the Protectorate did it they would have had like an interview or a press release or something. This doesn't fit their MO.


►CutterBupShearios

Replied On Mar 30th 2011:

Alright all, now's a good time to point fingers and laugh. We've got Furries vs Nazis in Brockton Bay.


►BigSlappy

Replied On Mar 30th 2011:

Dauntless: Never thought I'd die fighting side by side with a furry

Glasswork: How about side by side with a fwiend?

Dauntless: *dies of cringe*


Lisa takes out a notepad and starts writing usernames to dox later. Jesus it's like the thread is infested with incels. Did this go viral?

One google search later and oh yeah it went viral. Some well known shitstain made a Youtube video with a red arrow in the thumbnail and everything. That…sucks. Her power told her that Glasswork was really struggling to get used to Bet and now this? That poor girl. Looking over the replies it's more of the same. Buttmonkeys from highly insulated corners of the internet swarming the thread like locusts. The mods are working but not fast enough. It hasn't been locked yet for some reason, probably some internet troll with more skill than basic empathy. Lisa jots down a note to dox him later too when she's in the mood for it.

Lisa frowns as she scrolls down message after message needlessly dogpiling on Glasswork when she sees something her power calls her attention to.


►GstringGirl

Replied On Mar 30th 2011:

I think it's really brave to post something like this and it's kind of disgusting how much people here are attacking her over this. She lives in a town with literal nazis and people from all over are just making her job harder. I think it's kind that she's so casual about it.


The messages that followed shouted her down, but GStringGirl still defended her. To most outside observers, she would seem like the kind of person that doesn't know when to pack up and quit. But Lisa had an Inkling when she noticed all the messages from her stop abruptly.

(Left the Thread. Not timezone related. Talking with Glasswork in Private Messages)

Interesting. One hack job and she was in.


♦ Private Conversation With Glasswork (Verified Cape)

Glasswork: Will you stop already? This whole situation is embarrassing enough as it is and, somehow, seeing you doing your best to defend me like I made some statement is worse…

GstringGirl: I'm sorry! I didn't mean to paint you in a negative light. It's just, whenever I see people being so carelessly judgemental, I feel like I can't just be quiet about it.

Glasswork: I guess. You'll have to forgive me for not taking advice seriously from someone called "GstringGirl".

GstringGirl: It's an inside joke. Don't treat me like I'm some deviant.

Glasswork: Sorry. Shouldn't be taking my frustration out on you.

GstringGirl: I understand. Sometimes you just get angry and have to let it out.

Glasswork: No, that's cool, it's just

GstringGirl: Just?

Glasswork: I mean, I get displaced to a different dimension where nobody knows me and I immediately make myself look like an idiot.

GstringGirl: That may be, but you're also a hero!

Glasswork: I never even wanted to be. Back home, I was just someone else with an Epithet, and now I've got a PR facing government job that's a pain in my ass in more ways than one, since my powers literally hurt me. I guess fucking up and hurting myself in the process is just par for the course for me.

GstringGirl: That's not true! Well, your powers hurting you is true, but you seem so cool! To me, the furry thing didn't detract from that at all. Actually, it made me like you more if I'm being honest. I thought that you were so confident and self-assured I was actually getting a little starstruck.

Glasswork: well I wasnt that, okay? I just made a stupid, careless mistake and ruined everything and now everyone hates me and my bosses are breathing down my neck over it.

GstringGirl: I think you're cool

Glasswork: For wwhat it's worth, thanks.

GstringGirl: So? Tell me about your fursona!


Lisa made the wise decision to skim a bit in the conversation there. She has nothing against furries, hard to when she's literally wearing a fox onesie at this moment, but she still hasn't even gotten to the main members of the Banzai Blasters and she doesn't have all morning.


Glasswork: Do you live in Brockton Bay?

GstringGirl: No. I'm close, but I can't really walk around to meet you.

Glasswork: Why not?

GstringGirl: Controlling parents. They don't let me leave the house very much. I'm home-schooled.

Glasswork: I could come see you if you'd like? Outside of patrols I don't exactly have much going on.

GstringGirl: I don't think my parents would approve of that. I'm sorry, it's not that I don't want to see you, it's just that there's not much I can do about it.

Glasswork: Can you explain to them? I mean, I'm literally a hero for whatever useless clout that's worth.

GstringGirl: And risk my parents finding out I'm a furry?

Glasswork: Hey, you were getting excited about me being 'brave'. They can't be that bad, right? The hobby is completely harmless.

GstringGirl: They aren't abusive or anything, no! They're good parents!

(GstringGirl lying. Doesn't have parents. Can't go outside. Has a physical condition? Disability? Refused pictures one page ago. Ashamed of her body? No indication of eating disorder. Talks strangely around powers. Power problem? Infrequent poster on private forum 53andMe. Is a case 53. Relates to Glasswork's power causing her difficulty in living a normal life. In n Asylum. Can't live a normal life at all. Wants to meet Glasswork but knows she can't)

(Glasswork relates to the pain of being stuck inside all the time. Wants to meet GstringGirl now more than ever.)

*CRONCH CRONCH CRONCH*

Glasswork: Listen kid, I don't know how strict you're talking, but you got me invested so it's your fault if I show up where you live. Not that I will, but you get what I'm saying.

GstringGirl: Oh god please don't. I would be so embarrassed and my parents would hate that!

Glasswork: Stand up for yourself. Why can you tell me to 'be brave' or whatever but you can't stand up to your parents to do…anything?

GstringGirl: I admired you because you were brave. I just…can't be. I'm sorry, I really can't talk about it.

Glasswork: Whatever. No pictures, addresses, or even personal anecdotes. You know my Fursona's everything, which, to be fair is kind of my fault for infodumping on a stranger, but there's a give and take to these things, you know.

GstringGirl: I can't say right now. I'm sorry. Maybe in the future, but it's out of my hands. Just…do you want to play some video games together?

Glasswork: …fine. I'm getting my answers out of you eventually though. What game?


Lisa leaned back with a pleased smile on her face. Faith in humanity restored, she guessed. She made sure to get up from the computer and do some stretches. If she ate all that popcorn and was completely sedentary, she would rack up weight like a motherfucker. Whoever designed female metabolism deserved to get shot, twice, in the head. Still, worrying about her weight was a far cry from, well, crying yourself to sleep at night not knowing whether Coil would make good on his threat to enslave you or sleeping on the street, so things were going well. Now, Lisa had a lovely penthouse and her biggest concerns were things like what to have for dinner and how to spend her evenings. Lisa wouldn't give up her current life for anything.

Still, properly stretched and limber, Lisa sat down to peruse her obligatory check in of the day with Empire 88. It was usually a wash since not only did Jessica and Nessa send Lisa notes on all the goings on, but the videos were usually just checking to make sure nothing escaped their notice.

Pulling up the video on fast forward, the view is around Nessa's belt buckle in height. Lisa starts the video.

Silence.

Nessa and Jessica aren't even looking at each other as they work their office jobs in Medhall. They sit at the desks like little robots not moving or reacting to much of anything. Some rando walks into their spot in the building and they both just stop working and start silently watching him. The man looks at them and becomes more and more perturbed by the minute.

"H-hello?"

(Intentionally creeping him out. Laughing in their heads over it.)

Yeah, Lisa can glean information from the videos, but since they never actually have speaking roles in the videos, she has to use her powers of observation to do it. This one's pretty funny though. The man stares at the two as they hauntingly gaze into his very soul. Eventually, he can't take it anymore and speed walks away while worriedly looking over his shoulder occasionally. He stumbles into a trash can next to the door and sprawls on the floor after a second of stumbling. The twins just watch him like turrets until he jogs away.

(Nessa and Jessica laughing inside like schoolgirls. Planning more office pranks they can get away with since no one pays attention to them. Excited for Girl's Night.)

Yeah, Lisa is excited for Girl's Night too. She may be a master snoop, but there really is no one else in the bay who can compare to their sheer disrespect game. Lisa can't remember who's turn it is to pick the movie. It's probably her turn, but she doesn't really care about the movie so she'll just intentionally forget and let Nessa pick since she's the nerd who actually cares. Love her for that.

They also gave Lisa the down low on Ms. Down Bad, aka. Rune. Well, she definitely came here to join E88, but instantly caught the gay for one of the Banzai Blasters thanks to some timely intervention by the twins. Out here doing Sappho's work. Even just watching the footage from their camera buckles had her power yelling (Whipped!) within the first minute. She's…not really a concern, though it might take her a while to warm up to Aisha. Or maybe she'll warm up a little too fast. She did seem weak to a pretty face.

Lisa skims through the video finding nothing of note left out of their weekly report. All good! Just a few things to add to her to-do list later today. Looking over her sorting algorithm, Lisa sees a clip from the Blyndeff home camera registering two Banzai Blasters. Let's see what this is about…

"Is that really what happened?"

"Yep!" Missy said. "There's even a rhyme! Divorced Beheaded and Died, Divorced Beheaded Survived!"

Molly looked at her friend quizzically.

"Why wouldn't they stop after the first time."

"The first one was just divorced, they should have stopped after the second who got executed and established a pattern."

The two of them were sitting on the couch in Molly's House. Molly didn't want to bring her friend who was basically a cop into their evil lair, so they were doing their homework here instead...about a few doors down from the Evil Lair.

"Why did you want to do this at my house, anyways? Wouldn't it be easier to do this at the Ward's HQ?"

Missy fidgeted.

"W-well, I already spend like, all my time there. Plus, after that rash of car-jackings the other gangs have been suspiciously quiet. Upper brass thinks they're planning something but the Youth Guard doesn't want us all on call all the time. Something ridiculous about a 'healthy workplace'." Missy said with exaggerated quotation marks. "They wanted me to spend some time at home, but…I didn't want to. So here we are!"

(Missy hates her parents. Uses Wards as an excuse to get away from them. Using Molly as an excuse. Not only reason)

"Actually, where's your mom?"

Molly's expression dips.

"She's at work until a bit later today."

"Damn. I was kind of hoping to meet her. Well, meet her more formally anyways."

"Why? And what do you mean 'meet' her? Didn't you come over for board game knight already?"

"I mean, she's cool! She gets you stuff, pays attention to you, that kind of thing."

Molly's expression pinched.

"Well, Mel tries. She does this awkward thing where she'll hear me talk about something I like and just bombard me with stuff related to it. She cooks, offers to take me out and stuff, but…"

"But what? She sounds like a great mom."

(Wants to ask about how she adopted Molly. Wants to escape her parents. Would gladly move in with Molly if she had the chance. Close friends.)

"It's…is it weird that I wish she wasn't?"

Missy looked confused.

"Yeah. I don't understand that. I mean, I can understand wanting to get away from your parents, but from what I can tell Mel's pretty genuine. Gives you space and shit."

"I mean, my mom, my original mom, died two years ago. It's been tough without her around. Her and Dad were complete opposites. Dad is irresponsible, creative, and all about having fun, and mom was always regimented and orderly. Everything had to be done according to a schedule. Together, they were a complete parent, but when she died and it was just dad, I had to pick up the slack." Molly shrank into the couch at the memory.

"I don't have to do that here, and I miss mom. I miss her a ton. Mel's great, but I look at Mel and I look at my old Mom, and it's…tough. She's the complete package. I can't find anything she does wrong other than being a little hamfisted."

"So what? That's a good thing, right?"

"It should be!" Molly said angrily. "But it feels like accepting Mel as a parent would be like saying my own mom wasn't good enough or something!"

(Hates herself for thinking it. Wants to love Mel. Wants to accept her. Still loves her other Mom. Feels like accepting Mel would be betraying her Mom.)

*Cronch...Cronch.*

"Hey-"

*Knock Knock Knock*

Molly stood up like a girl possessed.

"I-I need to go to my room!"

"Hold on, Molly!" Missy said. "Mel wouldn't bother knocking, would she?"

Molly stood still before sitting back down.

"Could you get the door?" She said quietly.

"Sure thing, Dummy."

(Term of affection. Friendly nickname. Molly kind of hates it. Hates it in an affectionate way.)

Missy walked over to the door and cracked it open. A few words were exchanged out of shot before Missy came back into the living room trailed a tall teen girl with curly black hair.

"Molly." she said in a low voice. "Can I talk to you?"

(Followed along with the conversation. Listened in on it. Power related. Has powers)

"Oh, secret cape? Brian will want to know about this." Lisa hummed to herself privately wondering if she would even bother to tell him. I mean, objectively speaking it would be safer, but subjectively this could be hilarious and Lisa would be remiss to let go of some easy entertainment.

"S-sure?" Molly said, caught off guard by Taylor's sudden intrusion.

Taylor sat down on the couch about a foot away from Molly. She seemed to struggle with the words a bit before she looked over at Molly who was nervously fiddling on the couch.

"When I was in middle school, I lost my mom in a car accident."

Molly's eyes snapped to Taylor.

"It happened while I was at summer camp. When I got back, my dad was broken. I cried for a w- a long time. To be honest, I still miss her. That kind of hurt never goes away, I don't think. I can't-"

Taylor paused.

(Choked up. Pushing herself to talk about this. Developing an understanding with Molly. Not used to talking openly about this. Wouldn't do it if Molly and Missy were older.)

"Dad…wasn't all there. I had to step up. Help him. He was my dad though. I was still hurting and I had to step up to help him. I…resent him a little for it. I don't know how I would feel if Dad remarried. I want to say I would be understanding as long as it made him happy, but…I can't say that for sure. I guess what I'm getting at is that I get it. I don't know if I would have it in me to accept a new parent, even two years later."

Molly and Missy both looked up at her with understanding. Taylor looked like every word was physically painful to utter.

(Trying to be better. Bullied in High School. No self confidence. Wants to be a good person.)

"But…does your mom, your new one, does she love you?"

Molly sat down and thought about it. Mel always made sure to cook dinner for them on the weekends. She offered to take her places like the Skating Rink or the Aquarium together. She held weekly game nights. Molly once overheard her confiding in a co-worker that she had quit alcohol. The only thing Mel was guilty of was trying a little too hard. Being a little too smothering. But did she love Molly?

"...I think she does." Molly squeaked quieter than a field mouse.

(Wishes her new mom wasn't as nice so she could avoid the complicated feelings. Wishes it was easier to push her away.)

"..." Taylor looked at her before putting an arm around her shoulders. "I love my mom. She loved me so much, and I would do anything to have that again."

"Taylor's right! I'd kill to have parents who gave that much of a shit about me." Missy said. "My mom and dad only offer to do nice things for me to get at each other. They're barely parents, and legally I can't even get away from them cuz I'm too young. Molly, I'm jealous that you can just luck into a mom like Mel and I'm pissed that you can't seem to appreciate it!"

Missy's voice rose into a harsh tone as she spoke. Taylor was a little shocked at her anger and held herself still. Molly looked up at Missy with surprise.

"Maybe it doesn't have to be today, but I'm begging you to give her a chance. I can't…have that. You're getting a second chance at a family that some people never even get a first chance to have. Just…don't take her for granted."

Missy's voice went quiet near the end as she clunked on the couch next to Molly.

(Suddenly self-conscious that she said all that in front of an almost complete stranger. Annoyed at herself for acting immaturely. Wants to be mature. Wants respect.)

Molly looked absentmindedly at the blank TV screen, face scrunched up in thought. Objectively speaking, Missy had a point. Molly wasn't being entirely fair to Mel. After all, what was Mel supposed to do to help her with her hangups, become her old mom? Open a portal to Sweet Jazz City?

"I just- I feel like I'd be turning my back on my family."

"You can have two families." Missy said. "I do, for all intents and purposes. Okay well, it's more like two halves of a family. What I mean is that you don't have to choose."

"Worst comes to worst you can come stay at my place." Taylor offered. "Though it might be a little cramped with you and Tammi."

Molly smiled despite herself.

"Yeah I wouldn't want to intrude on you guys. Worst comes to worst I can stay with the boss."

"Boss?" Missy asked.

(Boss of the Banzai Blasters. Missy doesn't know. Missy specifically kept in the dark. Missy not a villain. Doesn't like villains. Probable Narc.)

"She means Giovanni." Taylor said neutrally.

"Oh. Yeah, he seems like he'd have a couch always open for you." Vista admitted before leaning back and letting the heavy conversation fade away. "By the way… Taylor, was it? How come you knew what we were talking about?"

Taylor stiffened.

"...intuition." Taylor lied in the least believable way ever.

"...okay!" Missy said, just accepting the answer at fake value.

"Hey Missy, could you grab me a drink?" Molly asked.

(Trying to distract Missy. Doesn't want to cry in front of her school friend. Doesn't want to seem dramatic.)

"Sure!" Missy then proceeded to reach behind the couch and warp space from her hand to the fridge. As she was about to open it, she paused, face going pale.

Right, that's Vista. Lisa didn't forget, she just wasn't planning on blackmailing her or anything so she didn't bother to commit the name to memory. It makes sense that Wards would hang out with other Wards. Nothing to be too surprised about.

(Coping. Lisa forgot completely. Wants to seem smart even to herse-)

"Shut up, Power."

(Shutting Up.)

Taylor, who hadn't turned around to see, looked at her worried.

"What's wrong, Missy?"

"Molly…whatever you do, don't panic…"

"That's the kind of thing you say that makes someone start to panic…"

"...but did you know you have a massive infestation of bugs in here?"

Molly and Taylor both blanched for entirely different reasons. Right, Vista's power is Manton limited. It permeates a space, so it can be used to detect living things by her power telling her what she can't warp.

"When you say 'massive', do you mean-"

A hulking cockroach sprinted out from under the couch.

Two sets of high pitched screams rang out as Missy plucked Molly off the couch like she was a teddy bear and booked it out the front door.

Taylor sat completely still, only raising a hand to cover her eyes.

(Extremely embarrassed. Her doing. Can control bugs. Intentionally controlled the largest bug she could find to scare them. Has no idea how she's gonna get out of this with her secret identity intact.)

*...cronch*

That's a pretty good impression from those two members of the Banzai Blasters. Poor girls. Maybe Lisa would get Vista's parents arrested or something. Eh, she'd think about it. Lisa made sure to get up and take a restroom break before continuing with her investigation. She cleaned up her popcorn before sitting down and turning on the next video before…

…Lisa smiled.

Brian has to see this.

*DING-DONG*

"Cooomiiiiing!"

Lisa waddled over to the door in her comfiest slip-on shoes before opening the door to a somewhat irritated Brian.

"Lisa, do you have any idea what time it is?" He sighed.

"Early? And of course I do! I knew you'd be up."

"Right, because you're so smart-"

"Well I AM that smart, but no. I just know you Brian. You don't get gains like that by sleeping in."

"Thanks." Brian said completely without enthusiasm. "So what's so important you needed to call me all the way to your penthouse. I don't exactly like getting looked at like a piece of meat by rich white ladies twice my age you know."

"If you must know, I've been looking into the Banzai Blasters for you like you asked and I found something you should see."

Brian almost imperceptibly stiffened as he walked past Lisa into her apartment.

"You did? What is it?"

"It's a video, Brian. You have to watch the video."

"...video?"

"Yeah! I mean, you planted that spy camera at the complex, right?"

"No???"

"Oh, well, that's because I didn't tell you about the little tinkertech bug-cameras. Anyways-"

"Lisa." Brian said with a stern tone. "I just wanted you to like, vet them or something. What's this I'm hearing about cameras?"

"Get with the program, Brian. To use my power best I need to see their body-language! That kind of thing!"

"Lisa, you definitely have a privacy problem."

"I do not, Brian. Everyone else has a privacy problem, in that they try to be private, and I am their problem."

Brian just…sighs with exasperation, deflating like a sad birthday balloon three days after you buy it.

"...fine. Just show me the video and remove the camera."

"I'll meet you halfway and show you the video." Lisa said with a decidedly cheeky grin.

"...god the women in my life." Brian said, before pulling up Lisa's second rolly chair and sitting in front of the monitor. Lisa cheerfully scooted her chair next to him with a victorious grin.

"Just get on with it."

The scene showed a dingy old Garage. In the center was what looked like an old Ice Cream truck if it was being dissected by a mad scientist. Parts and pieces lay strewn across the place amidst a chocolatey drizzle of motor oil. Mystery flavor stains littered the floor while a woman so sloppy-looking it looked like camouflage stood in the center of the room next to the infamous boss of the Banzai Blasters.

"So." Giovanni spoke. "Aside from the oil slick, spikes, rocket launchers and boosters, what are you putting in this thing?"

"The Nitro!" Sherrel proclaimed.

"Of course, but what else? This is our special Banzai Blaster Mobile! We can't afford to skimp out on the construction."

"I've got some ideas. We've got an all-terrain chassis potentially. Keeping in mind the size of it and the fact that we'll be cookin in the back of this bitch, I can't just load the back of the thing with weapons of mass destruction."

"Drat… well, keep in mind how important it is that this thing looks like tinkertech. We shouldn't be thinking subtle, we should be thinking big, Hot Rod!"

Brian spoke up. "Uh, Lisa, this isn't exactly encouraging to-"

"SHHHH! Not this, just listen."

"...uh-huh."

"Think big…" Sherrel pondered. "Bigger than a monster truck?"

"Monster trucks are inherently cool, don't get me wrong, but we still have to serve customers or the whole plan doesn't work!"

"We could just make stairs up to the side." Sherrel offered.

"Nonono. Then someone in a wheelchair or crutches wouldn't be able to order! We are equal opportunity evil!"

Sherrel frowned.

(Has never thought much about what people outside her vehicles think. New challenge. Excited by the idea of a new challenge. Likes to think she's the smartest person in any room. Confident to an insane degree)

"Hmmm…I got those extendo hands-"

"Extend-ose hands on this dick!" Aisha shouted, shattering any tension and consideration in the air like a baseball thrown through your window by the annoying neighbor's kid. She waltzed into the dangerous hovel like there weren't sharp objects all over the floor. Dinah trailed along behind her stifling a chuckle.

"Oh my god, Aisha…." Brian said, cradling his face in his hands.

What a chump, Lisa thought. That was a good one! Not as good a joke as she would come up with, mind you, but that was far from a unique situation.

"Little Devil! Please try to avoid being crass around Eight-Ball!"

"Fuck, it's fine." Dinah said with a smile. Giovanni just slumped over like someone had poked him with a pin and he started cartoonishly deflating like an inflatable inner tube.

(Sees himself as a mentor figure to the young Blasters. Wants to set a good example. Disappointed in himself for letting this happen. Does not blame Aisha. Definitely Aisha's fault. One-hundred percent.)

"Anyways, be careful in here. It's not a place to play around, at least not without supervision." Giovanni said like a patient instructor.

"Well, we're bored and wanted to see what was up!" Aisha said, sitting on a bench off to the side.

"No, I mean, what are you doing here? Didn't your brother say you wouldn't be showing up that often?"

"I lied to him." Aisha said happily. "I just wanted to get out of the house a little."

Brian's head hit the desk. Lisa tried not to smirk and failed utterly.

"Aisha's parents aren't the best." Dinah said, causing Aisha to frown.

"Hey, I thought you weren't a snitch!"

"I learned from the best." Dinah said, shyly smiling before shooting two finger guns at Aisha with a little 'pew pew' for good measure. Aisha looked like she wanted to say something, but she couldn't do it. Not to her innocent little-sis Dinah.

Huh, Aisha and Brian really were related.

Giovanni walked up to the two with Sherrel trailing behind awkwardly. He kneeled down on the dusty old floor with not a thought of consideration spared for his brand new blue jeans.

"Hey, Aisha, it's okay if you want to come here for whatever reason. This is the lair! Well, the garage next to the lair, but it still counts."

Aisha looked ready to make fun of her boss before Dinah elbowed her in the ribs. The two shared a silent conversation with their eyes.

(They talked about this. Trip not as spontaneous as they want to make it seem. Giovanni caught on to that fact. Giovanni entirely genuine. Dinah pushing for a specific outcome. Knew this might happen.)

"...fine." Aisha said, giving into Dinah's stern younger-sister vibes. "It's my mom. She shacked up with this new hophead junkie Merchant guy a while back. Buys his product a lot, and when she's on drugs I can't stand to be there. Especially not if he's there. He's gotten violent before and- he just…sucks."

(Has been hit by the boyfriend before. Doesn't feel safe mentioning it.)

"I'm gonna kill him." Brian said venom dripping from his voice. "I'm gonna kill him."

(Seriously considering it.)

"Oh come off it with your humdrum. Don't dedicate yourself to something until the clip is over." Lisa chided him like a personal tutor who delighted in being right.

Giovanni looked Aisha in the eyes.

"I see now why your older brother came to vet us. We are honorable scoundrels! If you want to get away, that's fine. In fact... Hot Rod?"

"Oh! Uhhhh yeah?"

(Caught off guard. Thinking hard about something. Thinking about the Merchants. Comparing them to her current project. Considering what it's like for people 'outside the car'. Not liking the conclusions she's coming to. Likes Aisha the best out of the younger Blasters.)

"If it's alright with you I'll leave things up to your discrection for a little bit.

"Sure, where are you going?"

"Isn't it obvious? I'm taking Little Devil and Eight Ball out for Ice Cream!"

"You are?" Aisha asked. "Come on, boss, I don't need you to cheer me up. They really weren't at their worst today."

(Using humor to deflect. Embarrassed. Doesn't like feeling vulnerable. Evokes a confident persona to hide her insecurity.)

"Nonsense! This isn't about cheering you up, this is about me wanting Froyo! And you, Dinah, what's your favorite flavor of Ice Cream?"

"Bubblegum." She said proudly.

"A fine choice! Well, Aisha? Whether you want to or not, Dinah and I are going for Ice Cream. All you have to answer is whether you want to come with."

Aisha blushed a little before looking at Dinah's baby doll eyes. She sighed. Defeated before she could even start.

"Yeah, yeah, you're the boss…" She said with a shy smile.

"I AM the boss! Hot Rod! Before I hit the Rocky Road, would you like us to bring you back anything?"

"...Nah. I've got some ideas I need to work on. No room for brain freeze."

"Cool~ Alright minions…Away!"

Giovanni calmly walked out the door in his casual clothes. Aisha and Dinah shared a look.

"...free ice cream." Dinah said with a cheeky smile.

Aisha smiled back (Thankful Dinah can't tell she's blushing) and walked out behind her, leaving Sherrel alone in the room.

"Alright, I'll admit, he's better at handling Aisha than I thought." Brian said. "But I'm not sure if-"

"Shut! It's not over."

"What are you-"

"SHHHH!" Lisa shushed, shooshing him until he grumpily leaned back in his chair, arms crossed and Brian defeated. Laborns really are easy.

Sherrel reached into her skintight jean's pocket and somehow pulled out her phone. It was a flip-phone with a Lightning Mcqueen case on the top that had been modified slightly to make Lightning look like he was wearing drag. Holding the trashiest object known to man up to her face she manually dialed a number before putting it to her ear.

"...Hey, it's me. Yeah, I'm the boss, I know- look, stop complaining! I'm working on it! That's actually what I'm calling about! …yeah I've got a plan to deal with it. In fact, this is big! Bigger than anything we've been doing up to this point! …Really, yeah. Why do you think I've been out of touch? I've been putting this together. I need you to get all the guys together- Yes, all of them! I'm the 'boss' aren't I? Trust me, when they see what I've got put together, ain't no one gonna look down on the Merchants ever again. …This weekend. The usual place, that being the Warehouse over by the junkyard, 7pm… Don't let me down! I need all of em, top to bottom, capes to street level dealers... Don't worry, I got security…God Damnit just do it you- I know you're a couple chickens short of a henhouse but I didn't take you for a little bitch! Trust me, we'll be going from Kool-Aid to Champagne faster than a greased pig… You the man! Squealer, out!"

As soon as Sherrel hung up the phone she visibly gagged in disgust. Like she had spent an entire dinner with her parents pretending she wasn't queer, awkwardly saying the word 'partner' with slightly off timing. She quickly refocused on the phone and typed in a new number.

"Hey! So uh, if I knew about some big gang meeting, how would I- Of course I did, lady, I put the- I mean, I overheard my ex-boyfriend bragging about it… He's a member of the Merchants, that's how it's relevant you. Look- No I am not being hysterical you help-line cattywumpus. I heard it's gonna be a big one. Capes involved… Yeah, dog's got looser lips than a dollar-store whore…Come on I called this number to report that E88 raid a while back, didn't I? …Of course it was in Merchant territory, dipshit I was dating him at the time! …Good. I heard both- ALL the Merchant capes'll be there, plus all the big people… Uh-huh…Yeah. Thanks…Sorry for throwing a hissy fit- Oh, right. By the Junkyard. There's a big Warehouse. He took me there once. I'll just text you the address and time…Thanks. That's it, yeah. Later Lady!"

Sherrel hung up the phone and gagged a little more.

"D-did she just-"

"Sell out the Merchants because one made your sister sad? Yup."

Brian looked at the screen utterly befuddled.

"...That's…good. If a little disturbing. What if her plan doesn't work, though?"

"Oh, right. When I watched the video, I got all the details. She's got a whole fleet of invisible RC cars. She's going to make sure they get caught remotely."

"...Invisible cars?"

"Yeah?" Lisa said, intentionally making it look like she didn't see the problem.

"...I guess I'd rather someone looking out for Aisha do too much instead of too little." Brian sighed, mumbling something about 'women' and 'surveillance'. "I guess the Blasters aren't the worst place for her to be hanging out."

"Yeah, they're not so bad. I didn't get a bad vibe off of any of them."

Brian looked assured.

"Also Aisha would hate you if to pulled her out and made it so she couldn't hang out with her crush anymore."

Lisa could almost see the exact moment Brian's brain freeze framed.

"Crush?!?! Who is it? Aisha's crushing on someone? Oh god it better not be Giovanni or I swear-"

"It's not Giovanni, but I'm not telling you who it is~"

Brian's brow furrowed and burrowed.

"You just like seeing me upset."

"I do." Lisa smiled wide.

"...fine. Hey what about Spike?."

"Oooh? Got your own criminal crush going on~?"

"No!" Brian said. "I have a rivalry."

"Sure thing, weenie-man."

Lisa's face was starting to hurt from smiling too hard.

"Never say weenie in my presence ever again."

Returning her attention to the computer program, Lisa noticed one of her Banzai Blaster Cameras was reporting an issue.

"Shoot. That's the Banzai Blaster Headquarters cam. I wonder what's up with-"

Pulling up the feed. Lisa and Brian were jumpscared by Spike's ENTIRE face on the screen distorted like a fish-eye lens staring directly at the camera. Brian let out an undignified girlish scream before leaning back so hard he tipped over the rolly chair and fell on his back. Lisa definitely did not scream despite the video evidence to the contrary.

"Spike, what's that?" Fred's voice said from the audio feed as Lisa and Brian were stock still.

Spike breathed another breath, unblinkingly displaying her sharp teeth to the camera.

(...)

Power?

(I'm not touching that.)

…Fair.

"I know what this is…! It's a Hex Bug!"

"What's a Hex Bug?"

Spike turned away from the camera just to give him an affronted look.

"Come on, Fred! Their little robo-bugs that move around! They're like, your best friends! Like pet rocks but with more limbs!"

"O-oh? Great?" Fred said, not knowing how to respond.

Spike leaned back uncomfortably close to the camera.

"I'm gonna call you 'Lisa'!"

The shivers of preternatural terror that ran down Lisa's and Brian's backs were almost co-ordinated.

(What the fuck?)

Did she know?!

She did not.

But they didn't know that.

"Brian… I get it. She scares me too."

Brian numbly nodded as Lisa unplugged her computer for good measure.

"...I've got some Vanilla Ice Cream in the fridge."

"...fine."

Chapter Text

"Hey Mel!" I said as I walked into the PRT HQ. I couldn't see under her helmet, but I could tell just by the way her body language slackened up that she was smiling. It made me blush a little seeing how happy she was just to see me here after school, but it felt nice. She walked over a bit faster than was normal and reached down hug me and squeeze like she was trying to strangle the stuffing out of a teddy bear.

"Hey Molly!" She said in that way parents tend to do to children on their first big sports game. Excitement and veiled worry. "Are you excited for your patrol?"

I wasn't quite used to patrol given that the first one had basically been just talking to people on the boardwalk, but Missy had said this would be my first 'real' patrol. She was pretty excited about it. I was a bit less excited. I mean, my Epithet, as much as we've tried and experimented, didn't seem all that good at beating people up like the rest of the Earth Lexis crew. But I was pretty happy to see Missy so excited. She was cool.

"I guess so."

"Don't worry, you'll do great." She said as she led me down the hallway to the Wards' quarters in the maze like halls of the PRT. "If you're worried, you've got Vista with you, and you'll have a senior Ward on console if anything happens."

"I know, I know. They did have me practice a ton for this you know."

"I'm sorry, Molly. It's my job to worry. Not my literal job, but you get what I mean."

Ah. Right. Lately, Mel noticed how uncomfortable I was calling her mom and started pulling back a bit. Not calling herself my mom, avoiding using the word, that kind of thing. I want to be grateful, but it's strange. Something about this is…worse. I don't like it as much as how it was before, but I don't really understand why.

That's…not entirely true. I know why, I just hope that if I don't acknowledge it, maybe I'll forget about it. That's probably not going to happen if I'm being honest, but if there's anything a wage slave like me can do, it's daydream about your problems not existing.

"I get it, don't worry. And you're right. Miss- Vista will be right there. What could go wrong?"

"Hookwolf, are you sure this is the place?" Stormtiger asked, arms crossed.

**Yeah, boss. How do you know the brats'll be here?**

Cricket signed on her fingers.Cricket couldn't speak normally after she got her powers, so Hookwolf made sure to learn Sign so he could communicate with his underling. He was a good guy like that.

Now to plan some child murder…

"Of course!" Hookwolf barked out. "I made sure our spy in the PRT swapped their patrol routes around."

"Okay boss, just uh…"

Stormtiger swept his gaze over the somewhat dilapidated construction site, damp in mud and dotted with construction equipment for a new Skyscraper that had its construction stalled by one of Lung's rampages about two months ago.

"Ain't the check-in people gonna realize what's up?"

"Nah, that's the cinch, see! We managed to get Stalker, that ******* doesn't give a shit about protocol, so she'll just let them walk into a gruesome death."

Cricket nodded her head furiously as a nonverbal way of communicating

**This seems like a bad idea…**

"Heh, I know. I'm a fucking genius." Hookwolf bragged. "Anyways. Sadly, Kaiser doesn't want me turning those brats into a preschool puree. He wants it done subtle. Now, I don't do subtle. I'm more of a Chainsaw Massacre than a Scream, you feel me? Loud and proud. But I've cooked up a smart-type scheme sure to look like an accident."

"That's my boss!" Stormtiger saluted his sneering, shirtless leader. Cricket just shrugged. He was the boss after all. He knew best.

"So here's the first trap: The pit trap! See I was thinking about Vista. Her power relies on line of sight, see? So if we lock em in a whole and cover the top, they'll starve to death. Or we can bury them alive later or something, I dunno, I didn't really think that far. It's subtle AND simple."

"You're a genius boss!"

**How are we getting the space warper in a hole to begin with?**

"I know, I know! Lay on the praise! I figure we can get this set up, kill the kids and still have time to go out for drinks later."

"So what do we do in the meantime?"

"Simple. Like an alpha wolf preparing an ambush for its prey…we wait."

Hookwolf and Stormtiger fistbumped. Cricket didn't think this was going to work, but fistbumped Hookwolf anyways, just to feel included.

"Missy…are you sure this is the right place?"

Looking around the construction site, with the mud tracked everywhere, and no one in sight, it felt a little weird to Molly that this was a patrol route. Like, wasn't the point of patrolling to make people feel safer or something? Discourage crime? There didn't seem to be anyone here…

"It's a little unusual, but we've been on patrol sites near construction areas before." Missy said helpfully. "It's a little unorthodox to have us here now though, after the crews all went home, but whatever."

Missy put a finger up to her ear.

"Console, come in. This the right place?"

"'Console, come in'.'Yeah, of course it's the right place, midget." Shadow Stalker said helpfully over the earpiece.

Missy scowled.

"Look Stalker, this is Dumbstruck's first patrol. The least you could do is double check the schedule. I don't want it to be boring for her."

"I wouldn't mind a boring patrol actually-"

"Yeah, that's cuz you're weak shit, Dumbass." Sophia blithed.

"Is she…always like this, M- Vista?"

"She's even worse in the field." Missy said, faux shivering her shoulders. "We're basically on our own. Not that that's too much trouble, since what could go wrong in this part of town?"

Molly looked around nervously. Ah, shit, she was still nervous. Missy could understand the difference between powers and Epithets, but apparently the research that said capes like to use their powers to fight was a little more right than normal. But patrol wasn't all bad! It felt cool to use your powers around the city, walk around in costume, beat up people twice as tall as you with their own weapons, hit their pressure points and kick them while they're down.

The PRT didn't like the image of kids fighting, but kids fought all the time! She's been to a playground and she knows her way around a lawless battlefield. But above all else, Molly is her friend, and Missy wants to share the thing she loves with her and leave a good impression! And Missy has a plan. She'll ease Molly into it. Start with easy patrols, teach her how to fight during training hours, and eventually she'll have a new best buddy in the Wards! She just has to make sure her flighty friend doesn't decide it's not for her from a poor first impression.

"It'll be fine, Dumbstruck. Come on, follow me." Vista said, whooshing her cape in a way she hopefully thought looked cool before walking unattended into the construction site past multiple orange traffic cones.

"H-hey, wait up!" Dumbstruck called out, rushing up behind her, her rain booties splorching in the mud with each step. The two walked into the construction site proper. The frames of a soon to be high rise in the middle of construction surrounded them like an atrium. A variety of power tools were left on piles of wooden planks, the smell of sawdust mixing with the ozone smell of rain, and upturned hard hats collected water like makeshift birdbaths.

"Hey, Vista, stop!" Molly shouted in alarm.

Vista stopped.

"What's wrong?"

"You were about to step on that tarp."

Vista looked at the ground in front of her. There was a flat blue tarp lying across the middle of the floor.

"...so?"

"So? Don't you remember the bo- I mean. Didn't Mulligan give you the safety spiel?"

"Oh…I guess I remember that." Vista said. "You're right, Dumbstruck, but uh, it's just a tarp? What could have possibly happened?"

"Fuck!" Hookwolf said, grinding his transformed metal teeth like a garbage disposal with anger issues. He stared at the two dead-girls walking from his hiding spot above, on a steel girder. Hookwolf had seen that iconic picture of those workers eating lunch on the girder and thought to himself 'if blacks can do it, whites can do it better!'. Then again, Hookwolf wasn't sure if they were black since the picture is in black and white. Seemed like a labor thing to do, so it was probably black people. He'd look it up later.

Speaking of looking up, no one ever did it, so this was a pretty foolproof hiding place with a good vantage point!Stormtiger had flown them up on a girder suspended by a crane and sat them down to watch their plan succeed, only…it predictably didn't.

"Who the fuck pays attention to safety class!?"

**I wouldn't know, I never went to school.**

"You're right, Cricket. If they don't fall in the hole themselves, we just make 'em fall in!" Hookwolf said, not even looking at Cricket's hands as she signed. "Stormtiger, this one's all you!"

"A-are you sure, boss?" Stormtiger sputtered, honored to have been given the chance to murder some children in his boss's name.

"Of course I'm sure! All you gotta do is hit your claws at a good angle and knock 'em in. Then we jump down, cover the whole, and let the rainwater drown them like soaked rats or whatever."

Stormtiger started sweating bullets. He couldn't fuck this up! He had the element of surprise.

What the fuck were Hookwolf and his goons doing here?

Missy had been spacing out while Molly re-explained something about safety and construction equipment. Missy tried to listen, but after a day in school with tests she wasn't totally focused. And when her mind wandered, she tended to look up. Her power let her warp space, after all, and she would often spend bus rides home watching the rooftops pass by and imagine herself warping around in costume. So she casually flexed her power until she sensed three humans up high on the incomplete building.

She made a point of not looking directly at them, continuing to look at Molly while she talked about something like "Be Aware Bears". Wait…

Oh shit. If Hookwolf and his goons attacked now, it would probably scare Molly off being a hero! Then she might get stuck back in the kiddie pool, or worse, get stuck with Sophia! But if Vista grabbed her and ran, then Molly might freak out! There has to be some way to make sure Molly doesn't panic.

Looking out with her range, she felt the outline of Stormtiger rear back to fire a set of claws at them…

"Love Bug, Love Hug, A B C D~!"

Molly stopped her explanation as a look of pure annoyance crossed over her face. On its own, it wouldn't be enough, but fortunately…and Missy couldn't believe she was thinking this... Fortunately, Shadow Stalker was here.

"Oh my god, I hear that enough at home!" Sophia scowled over the communicator in their ears. "I swear to god I know you're young enough to wear diapers, but don't sing that crap while I have to listen to it!"

That was enough. Sophia's annoying voice combined with Vista's intentionally butchered version of Love Bug got Molly to mute the area around herself so she didn't have to hear it. Stormtiger sent out a claw of pressurized air at her-

NOW

Like a non-euclidian slip and slide, she warped space such that the projected blast of air was funneled into the rope holding the Nazis up, cleanly slicing it in one go. The three of them began to fall, yelling all the while as Missy poorly butchered the Love Bug song. Stormtiger remembered he could fly after a moment and tried to arrest his momentum, but Missy just warped the space under the falling girder to make it fall above him so that when he started to hover, the girder just bonked him on the head on its new way down. He passed out instantly while Hookwolf screamed a girlish scream. The two others narrowly jumped off the girder before Missy could turn it upside down and crush them underneath as well.

At least she got Stormtiger…

Oh, she was still singing Love Bug. Molly was glaring at her with betrayal in her eyes and Sophia was bitching off in her ear. Missy blushed and stopped singing.

"S-sorry!" Missy said. Seeing her friend had stopped singing, Molly turned off her sound numbing aura. "I…uh, wanted to make sure you were paying attention?"

"Vista, I was lecturing you, not the other way around." Molly groused. Missy felt like a shit friend for taking advantage of Molly's misophonia like that, but it was for the best. Now all Vista had to do was fight off two murderous Nazi supervillains without Molly finding out!

…Today was gonna be a rough day, she could just feel it.

"Hey furball! Wanna sign my stuffed animal?"

Ugh. Mera knew the instant she realized she forgot to swap accounts that this was going to happen. It didn't help that she had an incredibly public facing job, but she could hardly go incognito with her pale skin and incredibly distinctive hair. Still, isn't harassing a public defender while they're on the job to protect 'you' kind of a dick move?

"Now now, citizen. That tone is uncalled for." Percy said politely. "We are heroes. Our choice of hobby is irrelevant to our duties as officers of the law."

Mera would give credit where it was due, Percy had been nice to have around. She was familiar in a way that most of the Protectorate ENE just weren't. She got along pretty well with Velocity, but the rest of them just didn't gel with her. Percy was also willing to stand up for her no matter how many times some funny-guy thought he was the world's next top comedian for making a yiffing joke in the middle of a shopping mall.

Mera was half tempted to leave the fur-collar thingy, whatever it was called, behind, but Velocity advised her against it. Backing down on your outfit based on what others think didn't send a message of confidence, and it would make her an easier target.

Not much she could do about it but sigh. The man eventually got tired of jeering and went back to go grab some dippin dots or something stupid while the two of them continued their patrol.

It was out of nowhere when the skylight broke above us, sending a hail of glass shards down on them. Thankfully, her outfit and Percy's were cut resistant, so all she had to really do was cover her head. Still, the panicked screams of the civilians who were otherwise just going about their day rubbed Mera the wrong way. Looking up, she saw some dude in armor lowering himself to a hover, though it kinda looked like he was possessed by a shitty ghost or something. He looked like some kind of wannabe knight with a long spear. Next to him was another dude in what looked like some vaguely military outfit a goon might wear. He was wearing a gas mask and a helmet with a spike on top. He was being held up by two clear looking copies of the armor wearing guy holding the spear like he was a cheerleader.

"Guten Tag, heroes. Or whatever it is I'm supposed to say here…" The man in the armor intoned playfully.

"Crusader… and Panzer too." Percy said. "I suppose you villains are here to cause chaos and spread mayhem, as is your nature."

Crusader lazily laid back, another clone phasing out of his body to hold him like he was a fainting housewife.

"Maybe. I guess so. The boss just wants to demonstrate that we're still the top dogs, see?"

"I suppose it makes sense for a villain like you. However, I had always thought you were better than this Panzer. To turn away from the heroes and join a villainous gang? It's a truly despicable act."

Panzer just silently watched them from above, arms folded.

Mera was upset as well. Empire Eighty-Eight sounded like a bunch of assholes to her. Sure, Mera wasn't a fan of being forcefully made a hero, but at least she could admit at the end of the day she was doing fine for herself and not hurting anyone in the process. Quitting the heroes to run around a mall and harass strangers? At least do something productive with yourself! He'd be better off rejoining the heroes.

"Panzer made the right choice when he became a part of the Empire." Crusader bragged. "But alas, we're just here to beat you senseless and make an example out of you. You know, all fun and games."

"We'll see about that." Percy said, before raising her hand and using the surrounding glass to form a foundation, allowing a tall, glassy wizard tower to sprout from it and begin charging a lightning shot.

"Non-non, miss knight." Crusader taunted, being carried by his spectral copies. A bolt of lightning shot out at him, but his ghosts easily pulled him out of the way of the strike. "This is truly sloppy work. Glass?"

"Glass can be a surprisingly strong material for construction, though not for a building's foundation, sadly. Fortunately for me, that shouldn't matter in this case."

"Oh? And why would that be, mon cherie?"

"Simple. I've read up on your files, Crusader. Your ghosts can only affect biological things. Their long spears and imposing armors are powerless to destroy my constructs." Percy stated matter-of-factly.

"That is true, Miss King." Crusader said nonchalantly. "However, while they can't hurt your towers, they can hurt you just fine."

All of a sudden, a wave of ghosts sprang out from his body and scattered, each moving in to attack at alarming speed. Mera panicked, unable to process the simultaneous attack and moved to sprout glass spires out of the ground, popping ghost after ghost. Percy summoned another tower and focused her towers on targeting the ghosts instead. Thankfully, the lightning from Percy's towers was still able to affect Crusader's ghosts, or things would have been…dicey.

Okay, things were already dicey. Mera could only summon so many spires of glass since her Epithet risked damaging her every time she used it. Rapid consecutive uses of her powers would only exacerbate that issue. Percy, likewise, didn't have a lot of stamina. She could summon plenty of towers to keep the ghosts at bay, but looking at Crusader, lazily floating while one of his spare ghosts fed him grapes, he was clearly in this for the long haul.

It wasn't all bad. The glass shards from Mera's Epithet were ample ammunition to be built into foundations for Percy's towers, and since Crusader's ghosts couldn't directly affect them, they could slowly make it to an equilibrium.

But an equilibrium wasn't a victory. And worse, Panzer was still watching. Ominously waiting for the perfect moment to strike.

"Any moment now, and we'll have them right where we want them…"

Hookwolf drummed his fingers together like Snidely Whiplash from behind the pallet of boxes he and Cricket were hiding behind. Stormtiger had, sadly, been knocked unconscious and had most of his bones broken. If it weren't for Othala, being crushed by that girder would have meant his retirement. He would live though. He was a fighter like that. As soon as Hookwolf was done with this pedicide, he would take Stormtiger back to Othala and he would be right as rain. Still, making it back to his pickup truck while making sure one of his broken ribs didn't shift around and puncture his lung was annoying. It was a boss's job, though.

Now, Him and Cricket were waiting behind a crane. The two twerps had taken their sweet time and were soon to get their just desserts. Hookwolf had spared no expense on setting up the patch of dirt in front of them with not one, not three, no…TWO traps. There was, or course, another pit trap, this one obscured by an especially thin piece of rotted plywood that would crumble like wet tissue paper once they stepped on it.

Next was the paint cans! Hookwolf has set up some paint cans precariously on the edge of a plank on the soon to be third floor of an apartment complex or something. It was simple! Vista needed to see to use her power, so all he had to do was cover her face in paint and she'd be easy pickings! He had attached a string to a large weight on the other end so that all he had to do to activate it was move the weight and the paint would go splattering. Then the kids would go splattering!

"Alright Cricket. I'm on string duty, you're on overwatch. Got it?"

**How do we know they'll fall in the way of…any of these traps? They seemed pretty careful before. Also, I'm pretty sure Vista's onto us?**

"Good. You've always been my most reliable lieutenant for a reason."

**I am? Sweet!**

It wasn't long before the stupid, filthy brats made their way to this part of the construction site.

"Why are all of these buildings being set up, anyways?" The Dumb Orange one asked.

"Well, a couple weeks back, Lung rampaged through this part of town and burned down a lot of houses. There's only so many homes around, so Fortress Construction decided to pay for rebuilding this area as an investment in the bay."

"Oh. That was nice of them." Dumbstruck looked around at the sheer number of houses and apartments in the midst of construction. "So Lung…really did all this?"

Shit! Molly's getting put off by the whole hero thing again!

"Psssh. Well…yeah! He did, but like, he's about as bad as it gets in the bay, and I'm pretty sure I could kick his ass blindfolded."

"I don't know. I don't think I can fight someone like that."

"Come on, Dumbstruck. You've been taking those self defense and fighting courses. You're already more fit than you were when you started."

"I just don't think I can punch out a dragon." Molly said. "Then again, Mel said I wouldn't have to. Apparently they don't let the Wards near him except maybe Clockblocker and Aegis if they're desperate."

"I mean, yeah. That's a good point. Mel's got a good head on her shoulders."

Molly gave her a knowing look. Missy hadn't been the most obvious about wanting Molly to be more open with and about her foster mom, but she was really laying it on thick sometimes. She had all the subtlety of an airhorn.

Still, this was a pretty boring patrol aside from the blatant safety violations all over the place. Molly hadn't thought that her first patrol would be this…uneventful. Somehow, this felt like the kind of thing that would be more…impactful. Or momentous? Maybe all of Mel's fussing over her made her subconsciously think something was going to happen? Whatever the case, Molly was relieved.

Missy was anything but. Using her powers, she had already located Hookwolf and Cricket hiding behind the crane. Taking a quick look around, she spotted the very obvious wrecking ball dangling on the end of the crane and some suspiciously stacked paint cans. Nothing she couldn't deal with on the sly though, so her and Molly just walked through the construction site.

…right onto Hookwolf's pit trap!

Hookwolf was salivating watching the girls make small talk as they stepped on the plywood soaked in the mud. They probably just assumed it had been left on the ground because it was bad! Hookwolf had never been so giddy at the prospect of a plan working since he built that wooden car for Pinewood Derby! Maybe Kaiser was onto something with his whole 'subtlety' thing.

They walked onto the plywood…!

…and walked off the other end of the plywood. What?! That was rotted! And wet! They should have fallen through! Did he forget to dig the hole?! Nonono, he has the shovel in the back of his car, got it when he dropped off Stormtiger! He couldn't have forgotten!

Oh shit! They were still moving! No… he could salvage this!

**Oh. I guess the kids were too light to break through the-**

"Not now, Cricket. They're approaching the paint buckets!" Hookwolf said, not even looking at her hands as he refused to take his eyes off his prey

Hookwolf made an educated guess that the kids were about to pass underneath and pulled the thread!

…only for the thread to snap.

"What?!"

**Ah. Of course the string wouldn't work! The weight is too hea-**

"Cricket I need you! Parkour up the house and knock the weight off!"

Credit where it's due, Cricket didn't hesitate. Her boss had a mission and she was gonna do it. She sprinted across the field and took out her Kamas, holding one like a handle and prepared to swing the chain connecting them like a grappling hook!

Missy felt Cricket's movements through her power. Shit! Molly had sensitive hearing! If she heard that, she would panic! But if Missy sang the Love Bug song again, Molly would suspect something was up! She had to find another, more natural way to get Molly to activate her power.

Fortunately, she had an idea.

"Don't worry about patrol being boring, Molly. It's a good thing. Only an idiot like Shadow Stalker would roam the streets looking to get beaten up by gangers."

"Beaten up?!" Sophia screamed, peaking the mic and causing Molly to wince. "I'll have you know-!"

Molly, having gotten used to Sophia's self-righteous…everything, immediately spared herself the tirade by muting her. Missy was thrilled! Sophia was useful twice in one day. That had to be a new record. Missy mimed putting her arms behind her head and staring off into the air, causing Molly to smile under her mask.

Missy got to work. Cricket's Kama was sent flying at some kind of weight. Oh! She was trying to pull the weight off and douse them in paint! Missy could stop the Kama, obviously, but that would just lead to a fight, so Vista got creative.

The Kama expertly wrapped around the box and with a hefty yank, pulled it off, sending it and subsequently the paint hurtling towards the ground. One application of breaking the laws of physics twisting the board they were on like a slip and slide later and the Paint cans were all splattered directly on Cricket, dousing her in an ironic rainbow of colors. One lidless paint can in particular fell right over her face, followed by a closed paint can which conked her on the head and sent the paint can reverberating like a dinner bell.

Cricket was battered, doused, and disoriented. She stumbled and staggered before falling on the ground, passed out. Then the counterweight for the paint cans hit her in the hip with a meaty thwack for good measure.

Success! Vista mentally whooped in her head while Sophia continued her inane, insecure rambling. At this rate Molly wouldn't suspect a thing! Stepping into Molly's silence bubble, Missy grabbed Molly's hand, rolled her eyes, and guided her away from Hookwolf.

Hookwolf was furious! He stomped out over to his unconscious lieutenant laying on a muddy piece of plywood. Fuck this! He was going to kill them his way right here, right now!

Vista opened up a gap between two storage containers wide enough for the both of them to walk through. Hookwolf was close! If he ran, he could catch the brats and turn them into mincemeat anyways!

Vista and Missy passed through the gap. Hookwolf ran up to the gap in the storage containers and smacked his face into the wall they formed when the distorted space returned to normal.

Hookwolf rubbed his nose. He was going to KILL THEM! He was going to delight in tearing them limb from limb and leaving the flayed carcasses to the rats!

He…took a deep breath. Kaiser always said that anger leads to mistakes. Obviously Hookwolf knew that already, duh, but he was a fighter. If he let himself be goaded like this, he'd get outplayed. Fall into a trap. This was proving harder than he thought, but he wasn't a mindless murder blender. No, he was a thinking man's murder blender. He's killed enough ******s and ****s to know his way around a fight. He spent his adult and teenage years in the fighting pits. He wasn't just a thug. He was THE Hookwolf.

He walked over to his unconscious Lieutenant and gingerly picked her up. She didn't have as many broken bones, but there was no way she was running like this, and by the time the paint washed off, the targets would have moved on. He was a responsible boss, but he had plans.

There's more than one way to skin a preteen after all.

He started carrying Cricket back to the pickup truck…

…and fell through a rotted piece of plywood straight into a fifteen foot hole.

…

THEY ARE DEAD MEAT!!!

Shit. This isn't working. How the hell is it fair that this Crusader guy can summon so many ghosts, all at once, all acting independently, and not get tired!?

Percy looks like she's on her last legs. A ghost approaches her from behind and Mera has to summon another glass spear from the ground and pop the stupid thing before it gets too close. She's glad the clones still register attacks for some reason, otherwise she'd be useless again!

"Watchtower…" She panted out, feeling her skin cracking and bones creaking under the continued effort of the fight. "Got any funny ideas?"

"Not so, Glasswork." Percy said, defeated. "Our Epithets are strong, but in a battle of attrition, we can't possibly hope to match an infinite number of clones…"

Percy spun around and commanded her towers to zap several more clones. A shattering sound. Crusader got another glass tower. Sure, Percy could get Mera to break up some mall tile or the columns by the fountain, but drywall is subpar like glass, and they're supposed to minimize public damage. Percy could always repair it, but it's not like the foundations went away after Percy built them, so it would still result in damage.

Also, even if they were more sturdy, that massive metal spear Crusader was swinging around would still be able to break them with ease.

Worst of all, Panzer was still watching. Waiting. Waiting for what, Mera wasn't sure, but just because he was an old teammate didn't mean he wasn't planning something. He was going to step in when right when it would shock them the most.

"Come on, what have we got that can get this guy?" Mera groused, creating another spire of glass to pop another Crusader ghost.

"We have glass, lightning, and my sword to work with." Percy said, short of breath. "Not much else other than our will to see justice delivered.

So nothing, then.

Crash! Again, Crusader swept his spear through a glass tower, sending its shards sprawled all over the foundation.

Wait a second.

"Pe- I mean, Watchtower, you can still build on the foundations, right? He's not destroying them."

"Indeed, I can. Though constructing a tower takes time. If he notices me doing it, the building will be moot point, I'm afraid."

"Still, that's better than nothing. So you just need him to pay attention to me, right?"

"I do." Percy said, swiping at a ghost that had gotten too close with her Real-Ass Goddamn Sword. "But Mera, you are even more hurt than I am. Are you sure this is wise?"

Crash!

Percy had a point. If Mera was going to get his attention squarely on her, she was going to have to go all out, this was going to hurt. A lot. Mera had had enough pain in her life already, and doing this all for just the chance that Percy would be able to pull this off right was asking a lot.

But really, the decision was quite easy. For one, Mera thought about what GStringGirl told her. Heroes get hurt so other people don't have to. For another, Mera wasn't much of a hero, but if there was one thing she could put up with, it was getting hurt.

Mera turned to see Crusader angling for another tower, his ghosts carrying him with ease as he prepared to swing at another tower. Mera summoned another glass spike from the ground. His ghosts managed to pull him to a stop before she summoned another under him.

Crack. Something in her hand broke.

Crusader's ghost lifted him up in the air as the knight's eyes through the helmet were on her. Mera summoned her glass skates under her feet and skidded across the ground in his direction. She summoned a glass spear, shorter and more fragile than his, but it would have to do. Crusader's ghosts spawned out from him in waves as she skidded in his direction. He rose in the air laughing all the while. She swung her spear ahead of her, ducking and weaving like an insane ballerina popping one clone after another.

Crack! Something in her hip snapped. The corners of Mera's eyes filled with tears.

The closer she got to Crusader, the worse it got. He could only spawn clones so fast, but they were instant when they phased out of him. Swish, Swish, Stab! Any time her attacks got close enough, a new clone could pop out to eat the momentum of the attack, causing her spear to clang uselessly against his armor. She was constantly having to add spins to her attacks to catch Crusader clones that were sneaking up behind her.

Crack! Something in her back felt like it twisted and snapped. Mera blinked the tears out of her eyes and fought down the pain.

She felt something slice into her shoulder. She ducked low and twirled her spear, popping the offending ghost. Another clone dove at her from above as Crusader swooped down to attack her while her back was turned. She spun her glass spear overhead, hoping to knock Crusader's spear off course. Instead, the spear cracked and broke, Mera panicked and summoned another glass spire to impale the ghost above her, but didn't have anything to do to block the real metal spear Crusader was thrusting at her. Mera closed her eyes and prepared to crack, maybe even shatter, when mere inches from her skin, the spear stopped.

"W-what the hell?!" Crusader shouted. A current of bluish electricity crackled across his armor. He tried to move, but some strange force pulled his body taut.

"You have fallen right into my trap, scoundrel!" Percy shouted. "Between the magnetic field of my towers, you are powerless to move thanks to your metal armor!"

"Bullshit!" Crusader coughed, clones pouring off of him in an attempt to swarm past Mera towards Percy, but in doing so, he left himself wide open.

Mera reached out and grabbed Crusader by the collar, a light current jittering up her arm, but it was over. A sickly purple energy began to flow out of Crusader's body as he stood stuck in the magnetic field. Mera felt the cracks in her bones grow solid again as Crusader cried out in pain. Painlessly summoning another spear, Mera reared back and cracked Crusader over the head, knocking him out and popping all the clones at once as soon as he passed out.

After making sure he was down for the count, Mera's whole body felt better again.

"Oh thank god." Mera sighed.

"Excellent work keeping him distracted, Glasswork." Percy said as she walked up and cuffed him.

Mera rubbed her shoulder, which was good as new, when she heard an unfamiliar sound. Cheering. People who had been watching the fight were whooping and hollering about the fight. What the fuck? They didn't leave?!

"Watchtower, why are they cheering?" Mera asked, pretty sure several of them were recording.

"It's quite simple. That was a rather heroic display you put on there, recklessly charging at great risk to yourself. It was quite admirable." Percy said matter of factly.

That…didn't make sense to Mera. This was just a day job. She just didn't want to lose, she didn't charge the guy for glory or anything, she was just worried about her reputation. She just wanted to have a bit more control over her current situation and lashed out.

Mera wasn't used to her plans working out.

"It wasn't that admirable and you know it." Mera said, holding her wrist and looking off to the side.

"I wouldn't say that. At the end of the day you charged and defeated a known villain. Though your motives are your own, at the end of the day, what people see here is an act of heroism. Perhaps you don't think you embody the archetypal trappings of a hero, but perception matters as well."

"Ugh, this is just my day job you know. And yours too."

"It is, but that does not mean I approach it with anything other than my best. Say what you will, but all things said and done, you acted much like a hero would, regardless of your past history of rapscallyhood." Percy said as a squad of PRT troops rounded the corner and started securing Crusader.

Looking out at the crowd which was smiling quite broadly at this point, Mera was divided. She didn't like the idea of being a 'hero', but…it wasn't NOT nice, Mera guessed. She has clearly been talking to her doe eyed, naive friend on PHO a bit too much if this was getting to her, Mera thought. It was just one villain.

Wait…one? Where's Panzer?

Carmen did it! He made it out of the mall! Now all he had to do was get home, grab his most valuable possessions, namely his Xbox and his VCR, and get the hell out of Brockton Bay before one of it's disappointingly many Nazis noticed him on the bus or something.

Carmen, better known as Panzer to most, had no idea what the fuck was happening. After…the incident, strange shit started happening to him. The Pizza Hut guy assumed he worked there and tried to cajole him into covering his shift. Weird, but then the bank teller asked him where the hell he'd been. The Fugly's waitress made fun of him for coming to work off his shift. It just kept happening!

Then the skinhead at the gas station slung his arm around his shoulder and hauled him to an Empire Meeting. Then Victor saw him and took him to an exclusive cape meeting. Now he knew the secret identities of all of Empire Eighty Eight, and they knew his face, and if he spilled the beans or figured out he wasn't supposed to be there they would probably kill him on the spot or sell him to Gesellschaft.

Carmen was pretty sure he had powers, but his powers sucked! He didn't want to get involved with everyone! I mean, sure, when the Goth Girl book club invites him to their local meeting at IHOP, he'll go. Who wouldn't, he's crazy not stupid, but it's a lot less fun than THIS! People who see him think he's a part of their group. Think he's familiar. That's all he's figured out! Powers Suck! Sure, it might not be a problem in a small town, but Carmen lives in Brockton Bay. The gang population here is… he had no choice. He had to leave. Sure, he would miss the book club and uh…

Right, it's Brockton Bay. Fuck this place. It's the Fugly duckling of America! Carmen decided he was going to move to some tiny town of unambitious midwesterners who already all know each other anyways and live out his days peacefully. Maybe he'd start to enjoy watching buffering reruns of thirty year old episodes of Family Feud.

Rushing out of the mall in a spare Starbucks uniform he stole when the manager assumed he was late for work, he was hoping, no, praying that no one noticed him.

Sadly, the prayers of cowards are seldom answered.

"Hey! Stop right there!"

Carmen did not stop. He went from an awkward, jilted walk to the pace of speed walking that could barely not be considered running. Oh god, he just wanted to know if Justin got voted off the island on this week's episode of Survivor. No more Nazis. No more gangs. He stepped out of the main road and ran down an alley.

He sped away until he heard the telltale clicking of a firearm. Carmen froze, putting his hands up. Two men caught up to him in red and green. ABB.

"Panzer, there you are! Lung's been looking everywhere for you, and he's not happy!"

Fuck it, it's lying time! Never let it be said that Carmen didn't want to live.

"Why not? I thought my infiltration of E88 went exactly as he planned it? I just got Crusader caught, just like he asked."

The man's eyes glazed over a bit before snapping back into focus.

"You're late. Lung's got a big plan coming up, and he needs all his capes on hand."

Oh god, not again!

"Look man, I just want to watch the latest episode of Survivor."

"Liz got voted off. Justin's still around though." The other man said. "Challenge was also pretty lame. Another puzzle."

"No!" Carmen cried out in betrayal.

"Yeah, this season's not looking that good compared to the last one. Amazing Race is pretty alright though."

Carmen fell to his knees and just started pitifully groaning in the middle of the alley.

Working their way through the construction site, they came upon the least developed part. Huge swathes of upturned dirt in piles stood off to the side as several construction vehicles like excavators and road rollers were parked off to the side. Lung had melted the asphalt during the battle, so new roads had to be built eventually. Sadly, the dirt was getting muddy since the rain was coming down quite a bit. The sounds of Thunder overhead and the pitter patter of rain accented the smell of oil and sawdust with the overpowering smell of ozone.

Missy and Molly found cover underneath a tent set up for the workers. Their boots were caked with mud and they both shook a little trying to dry off their outfits. Missy was worried about Hookwolf. The man was known for a lot, but his patience was not one of them. Neither was subtlety to be honest, but it's not like his attempts were particularly subtle. Missy didn't mind being so rough with her takedown of his lieutenants since, for one, they were Nazis, and for another, they had Othala who was more than willing to patch up their injuries with her granted regeneration.

Missy kept her eyes and her power peeled. Hookwolf had gotten her once. She had assumed correctly that his metal outer shell in his wolf form didn't inhibit her power, but Hookwolf had moved his core to the very front of his body when he attacked her. The result? An incredibly serious maiming. Missy had never cried that much before, and had forced herself to stop out of paranoia that she couldn't afford to lose that much water. Panacea got to her, thank god, but it was still one of the scariest moments of her life. Hookwolf could do that to Molly over her dead body.

"I can't believe you have to patrol in the rain." Molly complained.

"Well, we normally have umbrellas. I'm more shocked about the construction site. Don't they usually have, like, tarps and stuff over the mud piles?"

"I don't know." Molly said, awkwardly shifting her feet. "Hey Vista… no, Missy. Can I talk to you about something?"

"Ugh, don't get gushy on the mic, twerp!" Shadow Stalker complained. Molly reached up, pulled out her communicator, and put it in her pocket.

"Just five minutes." Molly said. Vista sighed and took her communicator out as well. Not like Stalker was going to be that much help if something went down, anyway.

"What's this about, Molly?"

"It's just…is this what being a hero is like?"

"Well, I'd be lying if I said it was always exciting. Us Wards get treated like kids, but trust me, when we're busy that's usually a bad sign. Don't get me wrong, saving people from a burning building with my power is gratifying, but on a good day no buildings are burning down in the first place."

"That makes sense, I just don't know if I'm suited to the same work."

"Well, you're power, er, Epithet, isn't really suited to fighting bad guys, I'll admit. But being out on the street and helping people, making a difference, that's the best part of being a hero to me."

"I just don't think of myself as a violent person. If someone pointed a gun at me, there's really not much I could do about it."

"Hey, I'd protect you. You can count on that, Molly!"

Molly smiled despite herself.

"Yeah, you're cool like that. I just…don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not- I don't have to run the store or anything any more. I was hoping for more free time to just…"

Molly scrunched up her face.

"Don't make fun of me."

"I won't!" Missy said quickly. "Come on, I won't make fun of you, whatever it is. You're my friend! I'd be a shit friend if I didn't listen to you."

"O-okay. Well…I guess I just wanted…to be a kid, for a little bit."

Of all the things she was expecting her to say, that was not one of them. Be a kid?

"I don't get it."

"Well…" Molly began, fiddling with her wet hair. "I mean, back home I felt like I barely had any time for myself. I had to work hard just to spend one day with my friends because no one else in my family did the stuff that was keeping us afloat financially. This is a whole new world, and I've got a totally different family and everything, but the schedules I signed up for… It just feels like I'm doing the same thing I did back home."

"I don't have much time after school, but now it's because I'm a hero. I shouldn't not want to be a hero, right? But I've only got so much time in the day. Mel promised to take me out to eat at this sit down place a week ago, and I was excited about that, but between my Wards schedule, school, homework, and everything I haven't had much time for anything else. I'm so busy again, and I just… I want to cut back. Get some of that time back if I can. I know it's selfish, but-"

"It's not!" Missy shouted. "Don't apologize for that. I don't- I'm a hero, yeah, but I don't spend all of my time at the Ward's base because I love hero work. I just…want to get away from my parents."

Missy stuffed her hands in her pocket just thinking about her parents. Her power spread it's awareness out subconsciously, causing her to become aware of the fact that someone was nearby.

It was Hookwolf. He was behind the hill next to the house with a Forklift at the top. What the fuck was he doing? He wasn't seriously thinking he could drive a forklift at them, was he?

When I stab those brats on the end of this fucking Forklift, they'll be begging for mercy!

Hookwolf thought that Kaiser would be proud of his impulse control. He WANTED to immediately sprint over and blend them like a protein shake, but held himself back, and thought of a brutal way in which he could kill them brutally while still looking like an accident. This was the perfect compromise! Workplace accidents happen all the time! Better yet, the PRT would probably get sued by OSHA for not teaching their Wards not to stand in front of moving forklifts or something. That's probably how that would work!

Oh, Hookwolf could see it now! Each Ward gutted through the stomach on either prong of the construction equipment! He could tell his plan was going to work because of how much he hyper fixated on the ideal successful result. That was always a sign that things were going to work out in your favor! The plan was simple! Push this large piece of construction equipment down the muddy hill and watch it turn the Wards into two kid sized pancakes drizzled in raspberry syrup.

They were in place. With a grunt and a shove, he felt the forklift tipping over. Hookwolf extruded metal to increase the force of his push until he felt the forklift leave the tips of his fingers, carried by gravity as it started to slide down the hill towards the two unsuspecting brats.

Vista really should have been paying more attention. It's not that Hookwolf snuck up on her, far from it, it's that she hadn't spent much time saturating the area with her power since she was so intent on listening to Molly. So when Hookwolf pushed the Forklift down the hill, Vista was caught slightly off guard. Snapping around to look at it as it fell, Hookwolf probably expected it to roll on it's wheels, but Forklifts are designed for flat surfaces, so instead as it leaned down the hill, the tips of the forklift got caught in the ground and upended the thing, it's momentum carrying it forwards as it began to tip over onto it's chassis.

Fortunately, since the hill wasn't that steep, that gave Vista plenty of time. Her power stretched the tongs of the forklift to be much longer. Hookwolf visibly brightened from his place on the mound, right up until Vista twisted the dirt under the Forklift around and it fell at him, Hookwolf started to extrude metal from his skin before the chassis fell on top of him. Vista had just a moment to feel smug before remembering…

"Vista? What was that?!"

…Molly was right there.

"Nothing!" Vista said with a strained smile. "Someone parked a Forklift too close to the ledge and all the rain caused it to slide!"

Molly's eyes narrowed.

"Slide, huh?"

"Yeah! Just uh, wanted to flex my powers a bit!"

Molly opened her mouth to protest when a massive creaking sound rang out from the forklift. Hookwolf in his fully metallic form let his raking, sharp claws shred the forklift off of his body before he did something Vista had never seen before.

He straight up pulled out an AK and leveled it at them. Vista panicked at the sight of the gun, stretching space in front of her and Molly so that the mud in front of them stretched up to form a makeshift wall right as Hookwolf pulled down the trigger. A Hail of bullets hit the wall of dirt with the staccato of gunfire as muddy thwacks hit the barrier.

"Vista!" Molly said, her eyes in a panic.

"Fine! That's Hookolf! He's been following us the whole time!"

"Why didn't you say anything?!" Molly shouted, trying not to panic and utterly failing. Vista grabbed Molly's hand and started pulling her away while keeping an eye on the wall. As long as Vista was obscuring her own line of sight, she had to make more distance manually, and turning around was too risky now that Hookwolf had just skipped straight to using a gun of all things.

"I didn't want to scare you off of patrolling! I barely get to spend time with you as is!" Vista shouted. She noticed something sailing through the air over the tent behind them. Vista stretched the tent itself to catch the grenade and redirect it, but the pin must have been pulled sooner than she thought as the tent exploded with a Thunderous boom!

Molly screamed. Vista was starting to think that she wasn't that good of a friend. Molly was scared of exactly this kind of thing, and what did Vista do? She didn't prioritize her friend's safety, she prioritized her desire to have someone to patrol with. If she really cared, she would have reported the presence of E88 rather than try to keep it coy!

"You're dead meat!" Hookwolf shouted as he loped through the shredded remains of the tent and rolled to a stop to start firing on them again. Cursing the low visibility, Vista raised another mud wall as more gunfire rang out. She went to pull Molly, but she wouldn't budge. She was frozen in fear.

"Nonononono-" Molly muttered. The storm clouds overhead rumbled as the smell of gunpowder mixed in the air. Vista could beat Hookwolf alone, but with Molly here, like this, she could at most force a stalemate. Now that Hookwolf was pursing them physically, it was the best she could do just to stop him.

"Molly! We have to go!"

Molly didn't respond.

Fuck! She had to get Molly to snap out of it!

"I don't think I can be a hero-" Molly choked out as Hookwolf approached. Vista started to stretch the space between them and Hookwolf into a treadmill, but Hookwolf raised his gun at them again. Vista had no choice but to form another wall. As long as Hookwolf could force Vista to block her own line of sight, he would be able to force progress one way or another.

Vista…Missy gripped Molly by the shoulders.

"Molly! Snap out of it!"

A peal of Thunder sounded overhead. Molly's eyes glazed over.

"Molly!"

A grenade came over the wall. Vista had to stretch the wall up to catch it since nothing else was in range to stretch. The wall exploded in a shower of mud and Vista hastily erected another to slow Hookwolf down. They didn't have much time.

Missy didn't want to get rough with her friend, but she had no choice. She placed her hands around Molly's face and forced her to look her in the eyes. Molly's face was moist with rain as well as tears.

"Molly, I'm…sorry. I've been a shit friend. I know it's not the time, but I should have said something."

"I just." Molly choked out. "I didn't want to disappoint everyone. I thought if I was a hero, everything would be fine."

Rain pounded hard on the mud around us.

"Molly. You don't have to be a fighter to be a hero."

"I just…didn't want to disappoint you."

"I can afford to be disappointed if me being satisfied means you're in danger!" Missy shouted. "I just want you to be safe now. I feel like such an idiot for prioritizing anything else."

"Stop trying to hold me back and die!" Hookwolf shouted, having climbed another mud wall. Vista stretched space again to make the wall collapse on itself and send him on his back before he could pull the trigger. Another grenade sailed in their direction, forcing Vista to split her focus and grab the grenade withe a stretched pillar of mud. They were almost out of time.

"Missy. I wanna see my mom." Molly said in a quiet voice. Missy wasn't sure which one she was talking about, but it didn't matter.

"I'll make it happen, but first, we gotta get outta here. You don't have to be a hero for me, Molly, you just have to be yourself. And whenever my friends are in danger, you can always count of me to protect them, right?"

Molly gave me a tiny smile and grabbed my hand.

Another, much more unwelcome hand gripped my shoulder. When I looked Molly in the eyes, I took my eyes off Hookwolf for too long! Hookwolf placed a hand on Molly as well, claws digging painfully into our shoulders. He turned us around and looked at us with a vicious grin.

Shit! This was exactly the situation you never wanted to be in against Hookwolf. I frantically thought of a way out of this, but Hookwolf's massive frame still counted as his body, and with how close he was, I couldn't stretch space this close. I could only look up at him and the dark sky framing him with a fear pooling in my gut.

Then I felt it. A smooth green glow. Everything roiling in my mind started being Dumbed Down. All of a sudden, I understood what I was seeing on an intricate level. The wind in the air, what direction it was going, the electrical charges, movement of water, temperature. It was simple. I knew what I could do. I knew what I had to do.

I started twisting the space in the thunderclouds above us, drawing as much of the storm into a singular point as I could.

"U-um!" Molly sputtered. "Mr. Hookwolf, could you let go of our shoulders for a moment. I mean, you caught us and all, but it's making me… uncomfortable?"

Hookwolf's visibly eyes under his wolf-form narrowed as he glowed a pale green.

"...Sure! Wouldn't want my soon to be murder victims to feel uncomfortable." Hookwolf said with complete sincerity before his metal claws released us. Molly grabbed my hands and yanked me back as fast as she could into the mud.

"Now!"

The space above Hookwolf, saturated with my power, twisted. The clouds warped, their negative charge being condensed directly above Hookwolf, who stood like a massive lightning rod of positive charge and incredible conductivity. Shortening the length of space between him and the sky, nature took over the rest.

CRACKATHOOOOOOM!

A massive streak of lightning shot down like the hammer of god, hitting Hookwolf with such and intense quantity of electricity that even his innate brute rating was useless in the face of it! Hookwolf lit up like a Christmas light as the energy in the air sparked all around. The twisted space returned to normal, and Hookwolf's metal receded, revealing a very charred Hookwolf, faintly breathing in the mud.

The glow faded, as did Vista's enhanced understanding. Molly looked down at Hookwolf, dumbstruck.

"Hey Missy?"

"Yeah?"

"Let's call this in and go home."

Missy smiled.

"Sure thing, Hero."

Walking back in through the front doors, the two girls dried themselves off with a pair of towels and walked to the Wards quarters elevator, hopped in, and pressed the secret code to let them down.

"You did good today, Molly. In spite of everything, I think you've got a power that can really help people."

Molly smiled at her friend.

"Yeah, I think I do too. Just…maybe a bit less 'almost getting murdered.'"

Missy hummed and hawed exaggeratedly.

"That can be arranged."

Molly giggled, probably to let off some stress.

The elevator dinged open to the sight of a familiar PRT trooper trying very hard not to look conspicuous.

"Hey mom."

The world stopped.

Molly hadn't even meant to say it, really. It just slipped out. Molly must have realized because she immediately stiffened a bit before blurting out an excuse.

"I-I need to go get changed!"

It was clear her heart wasn't in it. She still sped past to the Wards common room…only to have to wait for the mask alarm in awkward silence before the door mercifully opened and she walked in.

As soon as Molly was in the door, Mel straight up squee'd. She did a little dance in place that Missy couldn't help but laugh at. Mel realized she was still there and, even past her mask, managed to communicate her mortification.

"...you didn't see that."

"Uh huh. Sure." Missy said, deadpan, before walking in and getting changed.

She walked out to see Mel and Molly in her bear hoodie chatting.

"Sure, honey. I can put in a word for it .The PRT can't force you to do too much without parental permission after all ."

"Thanks." Molly smiled.

Vista was still jealous, but she was happy for her friend. She tried to crush that bitter feeling and focus on being a good friend after her fuckup today.

"I guess I'll see you around." Vista said with a plastic smile.

"What do you mean?" Molly asked. "You're having a sleepover with me today."

Missy blinked.

"I am?"

"You are, young lady." Mel said. "I'm happy Molly has friends outside the Wards, but being friends with her co workers does my heart a lot of good. Think of it as my way of saying thanks for looking out for her."

"Today sounded scary even for you, Vista. You're a hero, but you're still a kid, and that's not a bad thing. It means you need time and support from people who care about you. I can't exactly say I'm a whiz at this kind of thing, but I find a tub of Ice Cream and a rerun of survivor can do a lot for your mental health." Mel said in that awkward way of a parent that struggles to relate to a kid they love very much.

"So whaddya say?" Molly said. "Sleepover?"

Missy tried not to let how touched she was show on her face.

"Yeah… Sleepover."

Chapter Text

Moving under the light of the sun, it was a matter of experience knowing what would hurt you and what would not. Which trees with faces on them would uproot from the ground and try to attack you, and which ones would simply blow you away. It was no trouble for someone with the right experience. Certain styles of foliage lended themselves to danger more than others, and 'style' is a bit more literal than you might think.

Realistic looking plants and animals ranged from utterly mundane to suspiciously dangerous. More artistic specimens and objects would be more likely to be actively friendly or helpful, but at the same time could be capricious pranksters or simply unaware of the harm they could do. For the forest, the Law of the Jungle seemed to apply a most animalistic logic. Things that looked scary tended to be scary. Things that looked safe tended to be safe. There were exceptions, such as the cactus she had encountered not long ago, but the logic held.

It hadn't been long since she had set out. It would be more difficult to tell since this inverted planet didn't seem to differentiate between day and night. Really, she was going off gut feeling for how long it had been, but the clocks had to be left back at the Junkyard. They needed them much worse than she would.

It was difficult to even think about how they had arrived there, like they had all appeared from thin air. A great variety, though most of them seemed at least humanoid, had congregated near the tower. Those who couldn't fight stayed behind. Those who could split into two teams. One team remained behind to protect the people building the settlement. The other, comprised of the more independently powerful like herself, would go out into the surrounding land to look for others.

As pretty as this world could be, it was still dangerous. Not everyone here was safe, and already some monsters have made themselves known. Better to avoid them after all.

Hoping over another tree trunk, the woman sighed. The entire situation didn't sit quite right with her. It was hard not to think about the glaring contradictions between what she thought she knew and what she actually knew. She thought she knew many techniques and skills, but what she really knew was that she knew them, not any of the particulars. She had a confidence that belied her actual abilities. She was capable, sure, but not to the extent she thought herself.

Her memories were much the same way. She remembered people, places and things but couldn't put name to face. It was like they existed as a set of bullet points. She could remember the taste of a fruit she had bitten into earlier in her patrol, but had no…frame of reference for the taste. No sense of preference nor memories of things she had eaten in the past, just the new memory of the soft, sweet flesh of peach like one drop of juice dripping loudly into an empty bucket. The first taste of many.

At the very least, her mind and eyes were sharp. Looking out into the forest, she could see gap in the canvas of trees. A safe enough spot it seemed, but she was following her ears. Sensitive as they were, she had heard a commotion from this way. It hadn't seemed a violent confrontation, so it seemed good odds she might make contact with more stragglers. Conversation was usually a good sign, but caution was still paramount.

Coming upon the clearing, she made sure she was crouched behind the bushes so as to avoid detection. Blending in with such a massive variety of plant life was already a challenge, and yet most plant-life tended to be green or otherwise brown and earthy hues. She was not suited to blending in. It was the best she could do to obscure line of sight. She had to know before taking anyone back whether or not they would be safe. Operational Security was of the utmost importance at a time like this.

Carefully, listening to the eclectic looking group, quite a large one at that, she went quiet, listening for any sign of ill intent…

"...I'm telling you, it's starting to feel hopeless." A disgruntled voice complained.

"You must not speak like that, Ms Lorelai. I am sure that, so long as we endure in our quest, we will be successful!" A boisterous voice proclaimed.

"And I keep saying that we still don't have any idea where the supposed tower is, and we haven't even found a way out of this stupid forest!"

They know about the tower? They shouldn't be able to see it from this far away. The further you get away from it, the more translucent it becomes like some form of cloaking device. And yet, they can't have been to the Junkyard before, since they don't know the tower's location. Odd, that.

"Well, seeing as we don't really have a way out, all we can really do is pick a direction and walk." A young boy's voice replied.

Out? Of the forest, of course. She understood.

"I'm just glad those brats got bored of playing Eye Spy."

"We didn't get bored." A relaxed girl's voice responded. "We just got busy talking about philosopheet."

"It's pronounced 'philosophy'." A cheerful girl replied. "And that's all Uber's fault for coming up with such a great riddle."

"It wasn't a riddle!" A masculine voice objected. "I just got bored and asked how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood."

"Exactly! It's a dangerous riddle filled with many questions~ For example, why is the woodchuck called a woodchuck if the question implies that it can't already chuck wood?"

"I dunno, boss!" A high pitched echoing voice replied. "Why are you called Fleecity if you're always the one getting fleeced!"

"...you know Feenie, Pixie has a point."

"Ugh! If you must know, it is not 'fleece' as in 'scam', but fleece as in the soft and comfortable fabric!"

"Could be both."

"Could be NOT!"

"Now now, girls. I know we're bored, but let's not start a fight." A measured voice replied.

Averse to fighting. That's a good sign.

"Such a spoilsport!" The high pitch voice replied. "It would've been fun!"

"Please, Ms. Pixie-"

"Don't call me 'Ms'. I'm not that old!"

"Yes, you were very literally born yesterday, I'm well aware."

'You' were? Why single her out on that? Everyone was born recently.

"Come on, we're all in the same boat."

"No, it's just you I'm pretty sure." The young girl sardonically replied.

"I must admit to being a bit curious about that. I mean, Lorelai. This is your Epithet, right? How sentient is Pixie, exactly?" The young boy replied.

"Does it even matter?"

"I'd say so. My Counting Sheep all have slightly different personalities, and they're consistent. It's a quirk of Epithet development that summons tend to develop some kind of personality when they are created."

"Yeah, but I don't see how that would apply to Augment. I can make anything. There's really no consistency about it."

"Well, it depends a lot on the circumstances. Counting Sheep are separate summons and are each individually pretty weak, so they have simple personalities and don't really change from use to use. They can even retain memories from previous summons, which lines up with the theory that Epithet Summons are stored somewhere within the Epithet, or within our souls."

"Beefton counts as something a bit different. He could technically be called a 'summon', and he has his own personality, but his form is a reflection of my dreams. If my dreams were to change, then Beefton would likely look different. I've trained a lot to keep him consistent, but he's more liable to change as I do. I was wondering if your creations counted more as reflective projections or independent summons."

…What?

"I…I don't know." The woman said, sounding a bit unsure. "You said Beefton was more…independent?"

"A bit, yes." The young man said, quite confidently this time. He seemed to be enjoying himself. "He's more of a subconscious summon."

"Subconscious…"

The woman sounded distraught. Whatever Summons were, they seemed important.

"H-hey. Do you know if Epithets can activate when you're unconscious or like…dreaming?"

She asked the question in a tone so quiet it could barely be heard, like her voice was scared to show itself.

"Well, the short answer is yes. Epithet Bleed is a good example of subconscious use, but it takes a lot of proficiency for that to start to become an issue. With proper control, Epithet Bleed can also be mitigated, but without training it's possible for an Epithet to activate while you're unconscious."

The boy rattled off the answers and details with a frankly suspicious level of accuracy given her estimates of his age. There was also an odd degree of consistency to their conversation that couldn't be found back at the Junkyard. They knew in the real way, not in the vaguest and most remote sense. Something about them was…different, that's for sure.

"Would you like to know more?" The boy asked.

"No. I'm…I'm good."

The woman sounded shaken, somehow.

"I wouldn't mind learning more about Epithets, dude. I mean, they don't exist back home."

"Surely there must be some kind of equivalent, right? I can't imagine all that magic just floating around with no one to use it."

"Yeah, magic…" The man snorted. "We don't have magic, we have Parahuman powers."

"And what are they like?"

"Well, they're a lot more deadly and subtle and stuff."

"Subtle?" A girl asked. She couldn't tell which one.

"Yeah, like, you didn't even know I was using my power back at that fight, right?"

"You were using a power?" The boy asked.

"Yeah. It lets me be the best at anything I'm doing."

"Anything?" The prim and proper girl asked, suspicion in her voice.

"Yeah, anything."

"So that means…you could have cheated on all of your tests in school with no one the wiser!" She shouted in outrage.

"A-ah. No, I didn't have my powers in school."

"Didn't have them?" The boy asked.

Silence.

"How did you get your powers? If it's not based on words, then what's the mechanism by which you realize your ability?"

More silence.

"Sylvie, let's drop this topic." The gentle man of the group responded.

"Why, I think this is quite fascinating-"

"Drop it." He said with more steel behind the words.

"Oh… okay."

She almost missed the next words whispered in the wind.

"...thanks."

"It's no trouble, Uber. I understand these things might be difficult."

"Hm…"

This group seemed…connected. It was hard to grasp the topics of their discussion, but the words seemed to come from a place of knowledge and understanding. It was hard to place any of them, but that was nothing new. They were hardly thick as thieves, but none of them seemed particularly dangerous. If the one called Uber could really do anything, then they would be indispensable to setting up the encampment.

With this in mind, she stood up and walked into the clearing. The group sat about a grassy field wearing colorful outfits, each taking the chance to rest in this place of relative safety. As she approached, a thin man wearing a sweater turned his face in his direction.

"Ah, it seems we have company."

The others looked her way as well, with the tall man's eyebrows raising.

"I know the game you're from! You're-"

"Shut up. No one but you cares, Uber." The dark skinned girl in the overalls replied.

"B-but-!"

"Is she dangerous?"

"...probably not?"

"Then it's fine." She said blithely. Her eyes tracked you as though you were a potential threat, looking you over like some elaborate mannequin. "You're not here to fight us, are you?"

"Not at all. Actually, I am looking for more stragglers."

"Stragglers?" The sweater-clad man said, cocking his head to the side.

"Yes. We are in the midst of making a settlement beneath the tower. I understand you are looking for a tower yourselves."

The largest man gasped.

"A tower! Could this be the tower we need to find in order to rescue our companion!"

"Wait." The small girl with the short pink hair said, her eyes narrowing. "How did you know we were looking for a tower?"

"Oh, she's been watching us."

"Naven! Whaddya mean she's been watching us?!"

"Now now, Trixie. Not everything out here is friendly, we all know this."

The entire group looked at a small pixie relaxing in one of their companion's fluffy white hair like it was a luxury bed. The pixie just smiled and waved while chuckling.

"Your Naven is correct. You all seem to pass muster, and we could use all the hands we can get setting up our town. We don't have enough housing set up yet to keep us all safe."

"Then we have to help!" The girl with the pixie on her head shouted.

"Indeed! Helping those in need is an honorable thing!"

"...at least it gets us where we need to go."

"Lorelai!"

The lot of them broke into argument. That was good. It's almost reassuring that they weren't unanimous in their desire to help. It would be suspicious. Why would everyone want to help, after all? People with their own agendas, however? Those people could be trusted to act in their own self interest and, well, aside from that the group seemed nice. She smiled.

"Then please, follow me and I'll take you there."

It was a wasteland.

The forest and the treeline slowly thinned as they followed the bizarre looking stranger until the grass abruptly stopped. Loamy soil turned to dry and cracked ground. The wind stopped abruptly. If it wasn't for the movement ahead, one might assume that this place was utterly devoid of life.

The most striking feature of the desolate desert were the glints of light. The LED light of the sun reflected off what looked to be a veritable field of discarded metal. As the group moved closer, they heard the occasional clang of metal.

"What's all that noise?" Trixie asked.

"That would be the rain. Whatever is at the top of that tower constantly throws metal contraptions down like discarded waste."

"So Leet really is here, huh?" Uber said in relief. "Wait…tower? I still can't see it."

"We are presently out of range. The tower can only be seen closer to where we are set up."

"So that's why we couldn't find the tower just by looking around?" Syvlie said. "It was invisible?"

"In a manner of speaking."

"How the hell were we supposed to find that?" Lorelai groused, keeping her hands in her dress as they approached the tower.

"Probably we were supposed to come here later after finishing a quest or something." Uber remarked. "It's almost tradition to have a super boss or final boss in the starting area. My bet is there would be a puzzle and some boss fights-"

"Never mind, I don't want to know."

"This is still a bit weird, though. Hey, have you found any temples or giant monsters while looking around?"

The strange woman hummed to herself.

"I can't say I did, but we haven't exactly been looking for more than a few hours."

"Not to be rude or anything, Uber, but why does that matter?" Naven asked gently.

"Well. You all felt the pulse earlier, right? It's weird. It's like he's releasing an unfinished game and making the rest of it with live patches or something. It just doesn't seem like it's what Leet would do."

"Leet has only been in here as long as we have. The fact that the world as it exists was created in about five minutes speaks to the fact that it might have been made in a hurry." Sylvie added.

"I mean, the world seemed like it got populated pretty quick." Uber pointed out as the settlement loomed ahead on the irregular curve of the horizon. "Though admittedly they haven't been around for long since we entered."

"I think it might be best if we table this discussion for now."

"Why?"

"It's not for polite company."

The woman's ears twitched, but she otherwise didn't respond, continuing to walk ahead of the group. Uber at least had the wherewithal to hold his tongue on the matter anyways. Lorelai felt…distinctly uncomfortable following this bizarre…person? She certainly looked like one past all of her physical quirks. Lorelai would often make characters with the specific idea that they wouldn't hurt her or members of her family. Clearly, Leet hadn't made these characters with that restriction in mind if Pixie was any indication.

The woman seemed…terse, but honest, yet without having made them herself, Lorelai couldn't really know how safe she really was. When Lorelai made characters to populate her worlds, she spared no expense on the detail. Each character would have a personality and appearance that really felt, well, real. A world could only be so incredible if it was filled with cardboard cutout characters, after all. This kind of thing took time and effort, yet Leet clearly didn't have much of either.

Still, if she wanted her Epithet back, she had to trust the process.

Soon enough, they were on the border of what looked like a shanty town. Makeshift tents constructed out of metal scrap dotted the area in front of them, none of the metal pieces particularly large. The odd piece of fabric acted as doors in and out. Things that didn't look quite safe to be in buildings were everywhere you looked. Sci-fi looking weapons were being used as tent-poles, high fantasy shields set up to form walls, one small hut was constructed entirely out of shoddily welded together swords into a truly homicidal domicile.

More striking than the tents, though, were the people. Lorelai had assumed that their guide here was on the stranger end, but looking around it seems she was smack dab in the middle of the weirdness scale. Characters who looked like regular old people intermingled with individuals with widely different morphology and proportions. Pretty Cutes and Business Suits. Short, tall, big and small. So many she couldn't count them all.

And walking further into town, it was clear they were attracting stares. All things considered, their group wasn't particularly odd or anything, but it was large. The stares were curious, but not aggressive in any way; the kind of looks you might give a transfer student even if you weren't particularly interested in meeting them. Several people and creatures smiled at them or waved as they passed by.

"Hey Uber?" Trixie asked as they followed their guide into the scrap town. "Recognize any of these guys?"

Uber's eyes had been pouring over each and every figure they passed by like clockwork.

"All of them. Every single one is from a video game."

"Well, I guessed that. I meant more like…anyone we should watch our backs for?"

Uber went quiet at that.

"It's…hard to say. Some of these characters are heroes in their games, but the way they carry themselves seems wrong somehow."

"Wrong how?" Feenie asked.

"Well, they should be…better than this, you know? Everything here feels too slapdash."

"We're doing our best." The guide said, a bit disgruntled. "We haven't been here for very long and our memories are all hazy. I think we've put together something quite impressive for only a few hours' work."

"There is something wrong with your memories, Ms. Guide?"

"The organizers will explain more when we get there. Lots of us are trying not to think about it."

With that off-putting note, the group trailed past several more unstable looking shacks and hovels before coming upon a building that looked like a Tahitian hut made out of a clocktower. Clock hands acted as support beams holding up what looked to be a massive oversized circular clock that acted as the roof. Around the hut was a curtain composed of what looked like deflated blow up water slides and those plastic strips you might drive through at a car wash.

The guide walked up to one of the curtains, a shower curtain to be precise, and walked in, pulling it open for them. Walking in, a massive gear took up the center of the room and sat on what looked to be a mangled half of an industrial spool. Sat at the makeshift table were a small collection of figures staring down at coloring books and printer paper re-appropriated into maps and lists. One of them, a blond woman in a fine black coat, stood as she noticed the group walk in.

"More Lost I take it?"

"Indeed."

"Thank you for your work. Please, take some time to rest after you finish your report."

Their guide nodded and walked back out of the tent. The woman turned to them with a kind professional smile.

"Hello. I'm sure you have many questions about this strange situation you've found yourselves in, but rest assured you aren't alone. My name is-"

"Cynthia."

Everyone stopped to stare at Uber. He said the name with a level of reverence that was frankly a little uncomfortable.

"...yes, it is. Or at least, that's what I remember. How did you…?"

"Oh come on, how could I not reme-"

"What Uber means to say." Naven began tactfully while placing his hand against Uber's lips. "Is that he has a power which lets him identify people's names."

"He does?" Indus asks, genuinely confused. Naven's eyebrow twitches.

"Yes. Uber explained it himself, did he not? Anything he focuses on he becomes an expert at. Guessing people's names is something one can be good at, right?"

""That makes sense"" Uber and Indus say at the same time. Cynthia just gives them a once over before sighing.

"Regardless, I would like to welcome you to the Junkyard. As you guessed, I am called Cynthia, and I'm in charge of volunteer coordination. We haven't noticed time moving as of yet, but we don't want to take any chances and are putting together a settlement, however temporary."

"If I may, Ms. Cynthia, why are you building it here in this wasteland?" Naven asked.

"Convenience, mostly. The Scrap Pile under the tower is a source of many modern and advanced conveniences, as you've no doubt seen. That said, this is a temporary settlement to make use of that resource. Though not all of us feel things like the need to sleep or hunger, so it might be more sustainable than we initially thought."

"What do you mean you don't all feel hunger?" Sylvie asked.

"Well, it's a bit of a case by case basis, but the broad strokes are that many of us, much like yourselves, feel a bit incomplete. Tell me: Are any of you hungry?"

The group waited for someone to speak up…and no one did. They exchanged surprised glances with each other. How did they not notice?

"Does this mean I never have to eat the meatloaf at the school cafeteria again?" Trixie asked.

"Does this mean I won't have the room in my stomach to drink warm milk ever again?" Phoenica asked sadly.

Lorelai wasn't as surprised at this as everyone else. When she tried to use her Epithet to make food, you would taste it and it would make you feel full, but when you left the Dream Bubbles you ate the food in, that fullness didn't remain. It meant that leaving a Dream Bubble after staying for too long could be debilitating. Just because Augment could make things didn't make them truly real, only ever temporary. It was much better at destroying.

She opened her mouth to say as such when Naven placed a finger on her lips with a knowing look.

"Not as such, no." The woman continued as the girls asked their questions. "We're not sure. Things seem fine right now, but we're collecting food from the nearby forest regardless. The more paranoid amongst us are eating every now and then, and some eat out of habit, but it's hard to say."

"I'd say it seems cut and dry that we don't need food in here at this point." Sylvie mused.

"Things could always change."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Sylvie queried.

"You'll find out in due time. Now, would any of you feel up to helping set up some shelters? We are in need of every hand we can get, after all."

"Of course! It would be an honor to help you!" Indus belted with a smile on his face. Everyone else in the room gave smiles or nods of affirmation.

Everyone but Lorelai.

Lorelai understood that, for as real as they seemed, all the characters, people, monsters and places made by her Epithet were temporary. Sooner or later, they weren't going to exist. Helping them wouldn't matter in the end, it would just slow them down! Molly was in danger, and they wanted to waste time playing pretend good Samaritan with a bunch of colorful weirdos?!

The only thing keeping her from shouting about it immediately was the look Naven was sending her, which was frankly impressive that he managed to convey with his eyes permanently closed.

"Thank you for volunteering to help. I'll send for someone to get you in just a moment, so just wait outside for a few minutes. I would do it myself, but I'm afraid it's all hands on deck at the moment."

That said, Cynthia sat back down at the desk and locked her eyes on the mess of papers in front of her. The group walked out and next to some bizarre looking metal bird statue when Lorelai couldn't hold it in any more.

"Why are we-?!"

"If I may, Ms. Blyndeff?" Naven said. "Before you begin, I would like to advise everyone not to mention that we're from outside the Bubble."

"Why?" Phoenica asked. "I wouldn't want to lie about it if they asked."

"Well, while everyone here seems nice enough, It strikes me as…particularly unwise. Ms.Blyndeff, correct me if I'm wrong, but if this Bubble were to pop, what would happen to its denizens?"

Lorelai stood surprised for a moment. Was Naven saying what she thought he was saying?

"Well, everything that was made in the bubble just…disappears."

"People included?"

"Yeah…"

"So wait, does that mean Phoenica's Pixie is gonna die?" Trixie asked

"I mean, we're ALL gonna die at some point!" The pixie chirped with an eerie cheer about her.

"No! You can't die! You're my friend!"

"Hey, if I die I die, no use worrying about it."

"Don't you, you know, want to live?" Sylvie asked. "Lorelai, you've made plenty of characters before. Have they ever wanted to live?"

Once again, for what feels like the upteenth time since she stepped in here, she had no idea. Most of the characters she made just lived out their character and not much else. She had never put much thought into that kind of thing outside of roleplaying reasons, and even then there was a certain shallowness to how they acted. A sense of fakeness that Lorelai had a hard time ignoring.

"Not that I'm aware of… maybe they're all like Pixie here?"

"Regardless of whether Ms. Pixie here is an anomaly or not, we should keep that close to the chest. I have to imagine that if they knew about the potential consequences, they would try to stop us."

"I don't know…" Indus said thoughtfully. "It seems rather dishonorable to plan on betraying them."

"Wait a minute." Trixie said, raising her hand like a kid in class. "If they're 'fake' or whatever like you say, then why are we helping them out?"

"Trixie!" Phoenica shouted.

"Well, we're probably going to need to rest before we head up the tower, for one, and for another, we don't want to be too driven. If people notice us ignoring everything to head straight there, we might be followed."

"Is that it?" Sylvie said.

"Well, that and we should still try to help." Naven said with a smile.

"Why even bother helping if nothing we do is gonna matter?" Lorelai asked, frustrated.

"Because it's our duty as the Molly Rescue Squad to try and help people whenever we come across them!" Phoenicia cheered. Pixie clapped along with her in encouragement while not knowing what that even was.

"But it does matter!" Indus said. "Helping people is its own reward!"

"Exactly!" Phoenica said. "Helping people is the Magical Girl way. You say it doesn't matter, but I say it does!"

"Yeah, but what about Molly? Isn't she in danger right now?! We should be prioritizing her over these fake people that don't matter!"

"Lorelai, stop."

Uber's voice was so serious that it caused the whole group to look at him. He looked deathly serious. The kind of expression you wore when one of your friends said something insensitive, or when someone was harassing your mother in public.

"They matter." Uber said calmly. "They matter to Leet, so they matter to me. You insinuate that Leet's favorite characters don't matter again, and we'll have problems. Capiche?"

Lorelai definitely didn't mean it like that, but the atmosphere was too heavy to try and correct him, so she let him have the last word. Before they could continue the conversation, however, a woman in a red and gold kimono walked up, giving them a slight bow and a business smile.

"Hello, I'm Napier, and I'll be taking a few of you to help sort through supplies over in the distribution area. Any takers?"

Lorelai didn't really want to work, but she needed space from the rest of the group. She was frustrated with them. They didn't seem to be in any big rush to save Molly, and if Uber was to be believed, then she was in danger over there. They were wasting precious time on people who wouldn't even exist after they were out of here. It was fine that they wanted to be nice, but being nice didn't matter when the people they helped wouldn't be around to appreciate it.

But there was no convincing them, it seemed. Definitely not the brats, Uber or Indus at least. As much as she just wanted to run off to the tower right this second, she was useless on her own without her Epithet. So…she would wait, as much as it killed her.

Despite knowing it was a waste of time, she raised her hand.

In the end, Sylvie also joined her while the rest of the group split off to help out in other parts of the camp. The two of them ended up sorting through junk that was hauled in to look for anything useful. Apparently, a ton of the junk that surrounded the tower was extremely dangerous and had to be cataloged before they could reasonably put it to use in building more hovels. Lorelai didn't believe them at first until she dropped a toaster on the ground and it opened up like a suitcase exposing what looked like an explosive of some kind.

They were supervised by a guy called McJunker and worked for what felt like hours, passing over futuristic looking gadgets, consoles, household appliances, and all kinds of out there items. The building they were using was made out of a square, chain linked fence covered in metal plates, signs, and posters on every inch of the perimeter. The park bench they sat at while doing this menial labor was the kind you might see at an idyllic park scene in a movie save for the fact that the top had been shattered and replaced with a chopped off part of a billboard.

Sylvie wasn't much for conversation. Oh, he certainly tried here and there to get Lorelai to talk, but his own social awkwardness and Lorelai's unwillingness to open up meant that they ended up doing their work in silence.

After what felt like an eternity of just…sitting around sorting through garbage, McJunker apparently decided enough was enough.

"Alright you kids!" The man said full of jolly. "You've been working too long. Go on, get up and take a good days' rest. I'll see more out of you tomorrow."

Lorelai just sighed in relief. Finally! She had wasted so much time she felt guilty about it. If something happened to Molly in the meantime, she wasn't going to be happy. She quickly got up and walked out, not giving Sylvie the time of day as she left him behind. She speedwalked through tents like a madwoman, thoughts only occupied on getting the group together, getting her Epithet back from that creep, and saving Molly. None of this ultimately mattered.

So it came as a surprise when she heard a familiar voice. It wasn't who she was looking for, not at all, but she would recognize the voice and cadence anywhere.

"I'm sayin' you kids shouldn't be workin' so hard! You'll be outta here in no time, so just kick back, relax, and have some fun!"

Martin Blyndeff.

Oftentimes when Lorelai would make her Dream Bubbles, her dad would either get sucked in or find a way in on his own. Normally, he just wandered around her worlds looking for anything that interested him. It was a common enough occurrence that Lorelai gave him special protections in case he wandered into a volcano or something when she wasn't looking. Given the size of the bubble, it only made sense that he was in here, really. Lorelai wasn't even surprised. Martin did whatever he wanted, after all.

"And I'm saying that everyone around here is working hard. We can't just laze around while they build a home for themselves." Phoenica objected. "And we certainly shouldn't be pulling apart their shelters for your amusement!

"What Feenie said. Even if we're just passing through, I can spare a bit of my time to throw some hot soup into a few bowls. Breaking down temporary housing for a spatula in the wall is kind of mean,"

"But why bother? It's not like they'll be around for very long! They don't really matter."

Lorelai had stopped. She wasn't sure why, exactly. Moving closer, she saw her father sitting on a foldable camping chair holding a raygun looking thing and pretending to shoot it. Phoenica and Trixie glowered at him as he did so, flinching whenever he pointed the contraption in their direction like he was a little kid playing cowboy.

"But you aren't even doing anything! You're just watching other people work you- you…!"

"Meanie." Phoenica's Pixie suggested.

"Yes! What she said! You're being a meanie and ruining all their hard work!"

"Come on, I was just saying you should be smart about this. I'm just bein' a realistic, responsible adult kiddo. Take it from a guy who's seen his fair share of Dream Bubbles: they never last. What's the harm in having a little fun?"

"Just because they don't last doesn't mean they don't matter. It's like Halloween candy." Trixie said sagely.

"Also, you could get hurt!" Phoenica said, stamping her foot like an angry little rabbit.

"Hey, I get it. You're both good kids. Really learned your ABCs and your one two threes, know what I mean? But Lorie's bubbles are like fun little playgrounds. They can be a little dangerous, but as long as I have the ring she gave me, I can just unmake whatever tries to hurt me!!"

He held up his other hand, the one that wasn't holding the blaster, and showed off all five of his ringless fingers.

"Oh… oh well." Martin said before going back to pretending to shoot at whatever he eye-spied on the side of the surrounding edifices.

"This isn't even her Bubble!" Phoenica shouted.

"Of course it's her Bubble! You know anyone else who can make Dream Bubbles and visits the store?"

"Her Epithet got stolen, dude." Trixie growled.

"Yer just pullin' my leg. As far as I know, that's impossible. And even if it was true, she'd get it back."

Did…did he even care?

"Dude, do you even care about your kids?"

"Of course I do! I am her father after all." Martin said, easing a bit of worry out of Lorelai's heart. At least, until he continued. "I just don't see what the fuss is about. Sure, Molly's being a bit irresponsible right now, but she'll come around."

…irresponsible? What the heck is that supposed to mean?!

"Oh yeah? If you care so much, then why hasn't Molly come back?"

"She's just running off on dear old dad to spend time with her friends, that's all."

"WE'RE HER FRIENDS!!!" Phoenica yelled. Martin visibly flinched back, holding his hands up like he was placating a wild tiger.

"Oh…yeah, right, I think I remember you. You were there on the field trip, weren'tcha?"

Trixie just glared at him. Really? He remembered that but not the Arsene Amulet?

"If'n you know my Mollywol, would you do me a favor and let her know she can come back anytime she wants and that I won't get mad? I've got a whole lot of tax hullabaloo stuff due soon and she's kind of the main girl for it."

Molly was missing, and her dad was worried about taxes? Taxes, but not Molly?! Sure, Lorelai and Molly had a frosty relationship at the best of times these days, but they were still sisters! Surely he paid enough attention to know Molly wouldn't just run away! How could he not be worried?! Didn't he care?!

Then again, it had taken her a week to really internalize it. She didn't even start worrying about the possibilities until Uber told them all about where he was from. She guessed that she was just…a chip off the old block. Somehow, the thought only made her stomach curdle. Her hands were gripping onto the straps of her overalls like they were trying to crush boulders.

"I'll let her know." Trixie ground out. "And what about Lorelai?"

"What about her?"

Lorelai felt her skin clam up.

"Do you even care how she's doing?"

"She's doing fine, probably. She always makes real crazy stuff in her Dream Bubbles, and this time especially. But in here? She's totally safe with her power."

"She doesn't have her power!" Phoenica whined.

"And like I keep tellin' ya, she does. Takin' a person's Epithet, now that's a new one. Somehow it sounds familiar..."

"If you care, then why are you taking things apart in her camp?"

"Come on, I've only got so much time before she gets bored of her little Bubble and moves on to something else. There's a lot of characters and stuff around that look like they'd make into fantastico plastico if you're picking up what I'm putting down."

"And you do this…ALL the time?" Phoenica asked.

"Of course!" Martin said, unaware of the daughter he was letting down. "Lorie makes all these fantastic places. She's a real creative soul, and it makes for great inspiration for my toy sets, but it's all gonna go away, and none of the stuff she makes really matters outside of that inspiration, so I gotta get hands on while the getting's good!"

Lorelai pressed herself against the upside down brick mailbox she was hiding behind and just slid down. Lorelai poured her heart and soul into her worlds. She had to make sure everything from the smell in the air to the color of the leaves was all perfect. She wasn't just making little drawings in a coloring book, and she wasn't just making worlds, but she was crafting entire experiences using every sense and feeling!

She wasn't sure what offended her more, the fact that her dad couldn't tell the difference between this janky, broken world and all of hers, or the fact that he just walked around messing them up as he saw fit. What did he mean they didn't matter?! Were the things she loved so…so unimportant to him? How dare he say that none of this matters! This was her world! This…

…wasn't her world anymore.

She doesn't know how long she just sat there stuck in a world of her own thoughts, just that eventually the brats and her dad had moved elsewhere. She just sat there thinking about how badly her family functioned without her mom, and how everything seemed to be going wrong lately. She was about to spiral when a set of footsteps stopped in front of her.

"Are you okay?"

Lorelai's eyes snapped up. The strange looking woman who had guided her and the others to town was standing before her, looking down on her with a neutral expression.

"...yeah… *sigh* not really."

"Would you like to talk about it? A lot of us feel that way."

Lorelai looked up at Leet's creation with new eyes. She had poured plenty of effort into designing her own characters before, and she could see the hallmarks of good design. Though her face was almost always impassive, her lack of expression was endearing, in a way. Her somewhat alien appearance was still strikingly familiar, and something about her felt both old and young at the same time. Maybe Leet didn't put the effort into making this character, but she was still someone's brainchild.

She wasn't quite the same as her own creations. She was lacking a certain depth, metaphorically speaking, and she didn't hit a lot of the same notes Lorelai's characters tended to, but she was Leet's creation. His vision of the character, brought to life.

"I don't know. You wouldn't get it…"

"I have heard from others that talking can help you, even if I can't offer any answers myself."

"I'm fine." Lorelai said perhaps a bit more rudely than intended, but the Guide didn't seem at all bothered for some reason. "Why are you here, anyways?"

"Ah. I was just looking for you to let you know that everyone else is waiting for you at the camp headquarters. They were thinking of departing soon."

"Oh. Well uh, thanks." Lorelai let herself be pulled up by the woman and was about to leave before she realized, belatedly, that she didn't know where to go from here. "Would you, uh, mind guiding me back to the tent?"

"It is no trouble. Come."

Following the Guide, she quickly let herself be distracted by the surroundings. The whipping of wind against flags made of deflated inner tubes, the creaking of logs and wooden boards of nearby shacks, and the loud clanging of loose metal roof-tiles.

Wait. This was familiar. The sounds of rattling and banging metal grew louder as a low buzz started to fill the air before starting to rise to a familiar Jet engine thrum. Already, she heard shouts of alarm and screams. Looking up to the sun, it was getting brighter and brighter again, casting the wasteland in a desolate shroud of artificial light.

Lorelai felt her Guide grab her hand and pull her under the nearest shelter while the noise grew even louder, drowning out the screams. The two stood there with bated breath, Lorelai looking at the guide's wide eyes and frantic expression.

She saw what happened when the wave passed over her.

Visibly, her appearance stayed the same, but when the energy washed over her, she saw her face go slack, her pupils dilating so much they threatened to fill her eyes with darkness. She felt the moment it happened when the Guide's hand that was holding her started to twitch uncontrollably, eyes tracking up her body to see that it had followed suit. She was pulled off balance when the guide collapsed to the ground in what appeared to be a seizure. Her mouth gaped like a flopping fish struggling to breathe.

She had no idea what to do. Last time the pulse thing fixed a bunch of inconsistencies, but they hadn't been near any denizens of the, what did Uber call it? Vortex world? Was she just going to get better on her own?

Lorelai considered leaving her alone, but found that she just couldn't. She might not have been real, but she couldn't just sit and watch this. She knelt to the ground, putting her hand over the Guide's heart and practically feeling it hammering against her chest like it was a manic animal trapped in a cage. She turned her on her side and pulled off her hat and put it under her head as a makeshift pillow.

She had heard people at school talk about family members who had seizures before and talk about how scary it was, but sitting her now she understood. Seeing someone look like they're about to die right in front of you is…scary. She couldn't help but worry. Somehow, all her thoughts about how real they really were left her head once she saw Ms. Guide like this.

Then, as swiftly as it had started, the tremors stopped. Ms. Guide's eyes went back to normal, and her heart rate dropped to normal like it had never happened.

"Ah, Lorelai." She said, looking up at Lorelai's worried face. "What troubles you?"

What?

"What troubles me?! You were having a seizure!"

"I was? Is that what happened? I feel fine."

"Do you feel any different?"

"Fine. Like I said." Guide's ears twitched as she sat up. "More importantly, we should return to the HQ. Your friends are waiting."

Lorelai was perturbed at how little of an issue this seemed. It didn't…look like she had changed. She was acting exactly the same, but something changed last time the wave went out and she had basic pattern recognition.

"Are you sure you're fine?" She pressed.

"I suppose now that you mention it I'm feeling a little sweaty. I suppose I may have had a seizure after all. Thank you for worrying over me."

The Guide reached into a pouch and pulled out a Peachlike fruit as she got up to walk.

"What's this for?"

"Well, I thought you might be hungry." The Guide said, slightly smiling at Lorelai. "After all, I'm quite famished."

"Ah, good, there you are Lorelai."

Lorelai had never been so happy to see Naven in her life. She had eaten her fill of the fruit by the time she made it back to the HQ building before the Guide dismissed herself, saying she had a duty to start her next patrol soon. Lorelai was feeling somewhat shaken over the whole experience, and was about ready to get out of here. If the looks on their faces were anything to go by, they weren't exactly thrilled about it either.

"Hey, Naven. Are we all ready to go?"

"We are. All the residents are a bit busy, so now seems like the perfect time to slip out." Uber answered for him."We were just waiting on you."

"Good. Then let's head out."

Looking out into the distance at the tower reaching right up to the sun, Lorelai felt nervous. She had defeated a lot of monsters and tyrants in her Dream Bubbles before, but they were all basically scripted fights in the end. Seeing the panic in the streets and hearing the shouting like the world had ended had unsettled her deeply. They weren't real, sure, but this was different somehow. Now they could get hungry and thirsty. The human acted more human, the monsters more like themselves. Something was progressing. Something was happening…

Something was deeply wrong with this place.

It had all started innocently enough.

Well, that's not quite true. Leet was quite taken with the idea of new worlds. Once upon a time, Leet had wanted to be a game developer. Really bring the worlds of their imagination to life. Share their vision of gaming with the world. It's an innocent idea. In most circumstances, Leet would have asked to see it, maybe pestered Lorelai to use her Epithet to make a few game related areas until eventually being told off for being annoying as per usual.

Sadly, Leet was frustrated. Leet couldn't tinker without risking death for both streamers. Leet's power, however, was insatiable. It wanted…expected more. Constantly. Leet tried to work around the limitations their shard put in place, tried to make slight improvements here and there, but it was the wrong solution. Innovation Engine would not be denied data forever, even as Leet built less and less to stave off their own destruction.

But even a stubborn entity like Innovation Engine learns from its mistakes eventually. Sadly, the inhuman thought process of the shard was not satisfied with the notion of pulling back. Relaxing its restrictions. No, pulling back would deny a potential solution. Innovation Engine does not know the question the Warrior and Thinker are trying to answer, but it knows that it's role is one of the most important. As a shard specializing in innovation, it must generate unique data each cycle.

If its host wanted to deny the generation of unique data, Innovation Engine would simply have to force the issue. Allowing Leet to enter a Tinker Fugue to build a portal gun with a hyper specific tendency to create rifts was one such measure. Innovation Engine would find useful data even if it had to do it through blunt force. And yet, in a completely new world with unique forms of energy, Leet refused to build. Their obsession and impulse distracted its host in fictional media.

Innovation Engine's host held onto an amulet overflowing in unique energy for weeks without using it or attempting to create something with it, and when the host's brain was pushed into a fugue state, they would cling to Adaptive Talent's host to calm themselves down.

But Innovation Engine would be denied no longer. Cycle Protocol usually restricted direct interference, but since Innovation Engine was outside the range of Conflict Engine 3, exceptions could be made. When its host encountered two users with particularly powerful energy readings, all it took was a nudge here and a nudge there to influence its decision making. Its host trapped itself into a displacement of unstable energy as desired and predicted.

Then came the data.

Glorious data. At first, its host tried to build a slow world out of this energy using its stolen power, but the data was finally here. Unique information. A contribution that might make the current disastrous cycle worthwhile!

While the host's mental state deteriorated from overuse of its shard, Innovation Engine was excitedly looking around the local biosphere for a potential replacement before calculating that the energy cost would remain unsustainable.

But Innovation Engine would not be denied its data. Innovation Engine had a solution in mind for its new host as soon as this one expired.

After all, why look for a new host when you could simply make one?

The tests were a success.

Leet had never felt so satisfied. It was like a sugar rush that never ended. A high where you never had to come down. Leet was on top of the world!

Leet was going to cry. Ideas flew through Leet's head as materials popped into existence, slotting themselves in their perfect place. Leet was making progress they never could have dreamed of! This was Leet's world! All the game characters near and dear to their heart were here, all their favorite areas and songs.

Leet had to keep working!

It was like someone had turned on a water-hose of ideas and they blasted out like a firehouse. Faster than Leet could even think, ideas fed to them by their power popped into existence on the platform before falling off somewhere below. Looking up at the artificial sun, Leet's hands were shaking. This was only the first step in Leet's perfect world.

Leet had tried to distract themself, scared of the flood of ideas. They thought of their childhood, their neighborhood, shows they used to watch. Their focus was wrenched back time and time again. Leet couldn't fight it. They let go. Let their mind be dragged along by the torrent and were met with...greatness.

The ideas their power fed them…they were the answer! Leet never thought Lorelai's Epithet could be used like this, but Leet was so happy to be wrong for once! Now that Leet had this power, they could finally prove everyone wrong. People thought they could talk down on the things Leet loved like they were nothing, but they would be wrong soon enough.

Leet would make it so that people could never ignore video games ever again.

Chapter Text

Sunshine? Check! Costume? Cheeeeck! Whiteboard with the word EVIL written on it and circled three or more times? CHECKERINO!

Today was going to be great! The first ever debut of this world’s first branch of the Banzai Blasters! We even had a custom car to cart us around! We were like, SUPER evil! This was going to be so much fun!

Getting out of bed and leaving Morgan and Fred in the covers, I made sure to gently tuck them back in as I went into the kitchen to make breakfast. After all: you can’t be a villain on an empty stomach! Cracking a few eggs and whisking them into a nice scramble with one hand, I checked my phone with the other and sent out a few quick texts to remind everyone of the meeting time. 

This was always the hardest thing about being the boss. Putting together these elaborate evil plans and then having minions call out at the last minute! Well, that was mostly Ben, but still! 

In spite of how successful this was going to be, because of course it was going to go off without a hitch, I still had a point to make. That point being: The Banzai Blasters don’t care about anyone’s rules, especially not if they hurt people! Bailey could have been a mechanic, but noooo! She can’t give grandma’s cars speed boosters, she has to join one of the stupid gangs or sell her soul to the government! Who wants to work for the government? Losers, that's who! 

The Banzai Blasters were going to make their debut with me, their glorious leader, at the forefront, announcing their intent to challenge the gangs for their rightful spot as rulers of Brockton Bay’s underworld with bread and soup galore! Meals on Wheels? More like STEALS ON WHEELS! 

It’s about time someone stood up to the villains in this town, and the bullies in the government too!

I made sure to put down my phone away from the kitchen, put on my pink ‘kiss the cook’ apron, and thoroughly wash my hands before pouring the egg into the frying pan. I was almost shaking with excitement, barely resisting the urge to wake up my friends so we could get things started early by the knowledge that waking up to breakfast already underway would make them smile.

The other gangs won’t know what hit em…

Once they got past the mire of dangerous technology and oddly mundane implements that ringed the tower, the Molly Rescue Squad was met with a shockingly mundane front door on the side of a giant, featureless black spire made of a nondescript material. Touching the dark surface of the tower didn’t even give the sensation of feeling other than the pressure on the tips of their fingers. 

“Well, this looks like the place.” Trixie said, wiping her finger on the black pillar before putting it to her tongue like she was tasting the icing off a cupcake. “That’s definitely not soot, either.”

“Trixie. Why did you lick it?” Phoenica asked sternly.

“So I would know whether it was sooty or not?”

Indus took his finger, rubbed it along the black pillar, and stuck it in his mouth. 

“Young Trixie is right. It does not taste like soot. Or sand for that matter.”

Phoenica looked up at Indus with affront plastered on her face.

“It’s not…nothing.” Trixie said, deep in thought. “Kind of tastes like a new action figure.”

“Indeed! That is an apt comparison!” 

Lorelai wisely didn’t speak up to corroborate their statements or not despite knowing exactly what flavor they were talking about. She also wisely resisted the growing urge to lick the wall. Curiosity killed the cat, often with small plastic choking hazards you were warned about by the warning labels on the box that everyone but parents of small children ignored.

“So do we just…knock?” Sylvie said, pointedly looking away from Indus and Trixie. 

“Oh course not!” Uber says. “This is just the entrance! We’ll only meet Leet at the very top!”

“..top?” Naven asked, a hint of worry entering his voice.

“Yeah. Look!”

Uber reared back and, like a professional police officer, delivered a swift kick to the door, sending it flying off its hinges and clattering inside the tower.

“Uber!” Phoenica whined. “You are supposed to knock to see if anyone’s home! That was quite rude!”

“...I uh, I did. I just…knocked a little harder than I thought?” Uber lied.

“Yeah, boss! He just knocked with a little too much enthusiasm…” Pixie said, lounging on Phoenica’s soft hair like it was an especially fluffy mattress she couldn’t bear to get up from.

“I know the feeling!” Indus said, commiserating with Uber’s flimsy excuse. Uber just awkwardly nodded along with him, not wanting to correct him. 

(https://youtu.be/7ZzU1Z2y5A0)

Walking into the tower, Lorelai and the others were immediately met by non-diegetic tower music that was…oddly relaxing. The whole thing looked like a supermassive black plastic PVC pipe that extended up at far as the eye could see. Spiraling up the inside of the tower, white steps jutted out from the wall like white piano keys, going up and up and up and…

“Uber.”

“Yeah, Lorie?”

“There’s not an elevator, is there?”

Uber scoffed.

“Why would there be an elevator? We would miss all the ambience!”

Lorelai just fought off the encroaching headache by looking up. One final obstacle before she could get her Epithet back. Nothing to do but climb. It’s all up from here.

Literally.

If you had asked me, this wouldn’t have been my ideal choice for a costume. I didn’t think I looked particularly good in a skirt, but Parian had insisted that it would look good, and upon thinking it over, it would separate the me in the mask with the me in my future hero costume. Admittedly, the custom additions we decided upon for my outfit helped me feel more comfortable. The high collar helped hide my gangly thin neck in a way that was reminiscent of Mom’s old turtlenecks she used to wear, and the sticker on my helmet was very quaint: A cartoon worm poking its head out of a nondescript book like a bookmark.

I didn’t like the name when it was first suggested, but I worked with it well enough. Tammi’s outfit was similar, but her pink heart sticker had some rune on it with three diamonds bisected by a line down the middle. I wasn’t sure what I meant, but I would have to remember to look out for her. She was new in town, after all. She didn’t know that the Empire might think she was a sympathizer on accident. 

Still, we were all here. Today was the big day where I had to make my big decision about whether to turn Giovanni and his minions in. Part of me didn’t want to do it. Giovanni was the first person who stood up for me at school, and he did so pretty consistently. Fred was also a pretty earnest guy, even if his reading level wasn’t very high. It was a lot of fun going through my old childhood books with him after school. Morgan was…I liked her. She was weird, sure, but she had a certain infectious positivity to her that made her a lot of fun to spend time with. Molly too. She was much more quiet and reserved, but she was pretty well spoken. It felt like having a little sister when I spent time with her.

I hesitated to call them friends. After all, we had only known each other for a few weeks at this point. Still. Something about the thought of turning on them felt wrong to me on some deep level. Why did being a hero have to mean cutting out the people in my life who had helped me the most? 

The Garage we were standing in was a huge mess, with plugged in power tools and frozen dinner trays littering the floor, amongst other things. Standing tall and proud in the center, though, was the biggest hunk of junk I had ever seen.

What was once an ordinary Ice Cream truck, presumably at least, had been retrofitted with armor plating, turrets on either side of the front with odd looking super soaker looking devices poking out, and what could only be poorly concealed rocket jets of some kind. Running through the vehicle, my bugs felt around several hidden devices that I could only conclude didn’t belong on regular cars thanks to the shoddily bolted screws holding them in place. This thing had enough bells and whistles to start its own orchestra. 

The whole thing was painted a gaudy yellow with broad white stripes down the length of the van cutting the words “Banzai!” and “Blasters!” in twain. It was much bigger on the inside than it looked too.

Standing proudly in front of the vehicle, Giovanni- I mean, ‘Vincent Murder’ stood loud and proud in front of his evil food truck in a ridiculous pink, orange and red outfit. It had spikes galore, a long cape styled like hot rod flames, and sections of armor that looked like repurposed sporting equipment that had been painted a dark red, much like his catcher’s helmet and its orange glass visor slotted below the cage. It looked like a shoddy Halloween costume someone might live to be embarrassed about when they grew up. 

Giovanni wouldn’t be embarrassed though. He was wearing a skirt with hot rod flames on it, and worse, he was actually pulling it off. The man wouldn’t know shame if it smacked him in the face.

“Alright, Blasters!” He said with aplomb. “Today, we embark on the Brockton Bay Banzai Blaster’s first ever mission: Operation Bake Sale!”

The rest of the Blasters politely golf clapped. Hot Rod, Spike and Little Devil, who hooted and hollered like Giovanni was some famous musician while Beartrap and Eight Ball were much more reserved. I got the feeling Love Bind would have clapped if she wasn’t clinging to me like a Koala. 

I still couldn’t believe I was doing this.

“As we’ve planned, we’ll all be split into teams. Hot Rod will be driving with Car Crash as her co-pilot. The window will be manned, or womaned in this case, by a cycling shift between Little Devil and Spike. The Kitchen, however, is the most important part. Eight Ball, Beartrap, Bookworm, Love Bind and I will handle the food preparation!”

“The MOST most important part, however, is that we emphasize how all of our food is prepared using our special powers! We want the world to know that we won’t stop to listen to the PRT’s dumb rules! We’re going to have fun, sell food, and get our faces out there, or my name isn’t Vincent Murder.”

It isn’t though?

I looked down at Tammi. Her shoulder length blond hair stuck out from under her Banzai Blaster helmet as she looked at Giovanni. Continuing his speech. I felt nervous. Like I didn’t belong. Tammi took to the whole bake sale thing a lot easier than I did, and I got her into this mess. I felt like I had to say something when the heroes came, and when I had to leave the blasters behind.

“Tammi?”

She stiffened and looked up at me, her eyes hidden by the visor.

“Don’t worry, when the time comes, I’ll protect you.”

I hoped that was vague enough that she would remember it later. I felt a shudder through her arms. She must be cold. I pulled her in so she could steal some of my body heat like Emma used to want to do. I didn’t like how much Tammi made me think of Emma, but I was trying hard not to let that affect how I treated her. To be the better person. She was giving me the time of day despite how freakish and ungainly I looked. I had to hope she would forgive me.

It was time to get serious. Time to face the music.

It was a nice day out. 

In Brockton Bay, that was saying a lot. The eternal shroud of the gangs hung over the city like an ever present fog that seemed to sap the city of its joy, but sometimes, things would look up.

Coil, whoever that was, had been arrested. The Undersiders hadn’t been seen, except Hellhound, in weeks. The PRT broke up the Merchants and arrested over two hundred members and confiscated tons of money in drugs. Even E88 was feeling the pinch with five of their capes being arrested. The result? A strange, foreign feeling began to wash over the bay. The feeling that they might wake up tomorrow optimistic. The feeling that things might actually be alright.

Frankly, Brocktonites didn’t know what to call it after so long. Was everything good? Hell no, but better is relative, and this better is one most of the city could get used to.

Deborah Walker thought now was as good a time as any to bring her kids out to the park. Being black in the Bay was a special kind of hell, as was being too poor to move out. Two of the gangs are racist against you, one very specifically, and it usually wasn’t safe to hang out at the park. Still, when you’ve got two kids, you always have to make sure to make time for making memories, and Brockton Central Park is pretty close to the downtown PRT building. 

She can tell she wasn’t the only one who had that thought. It was absolutely packed. People playing with their dog, lots of people making the best use out of the dilapidated sports equipment they could, and plenty of people enjoying the day. The best part? Gang members couldn’t slip in that easy since the PRT and Police response times for the park were so small. 

Ashton was playing with their daughter Claire in the grass, letting her ride him like a horse while she laughed on his muscular back. It did a mother’s heart good. She loved her family. It’s the kind of love that’s hard to explain to someone who’s never been there before. She didn’t want anything to get in the way today.

So then, of course, is when the massive tinkertech food truck squealed in. A big, stupid looking yet obviously dangerous yellow machine being driven like a madman into the nearby parking lot, engine so loud that all the people having fun stopped but didn’t immediately run. Ashton got Claire off his back and into his hands with a speed that only a Black man living in Brockton Bay could manage. 

The food truck squealed to a stop in the grass, the shudder on the side opening up to reveal a weird, tinkertech looking…bakery? It was like they supplanted the half of a Panera Bread that actually matters into the side of an RV. There were several people in yellow jumper looking things standing at attention when, like an ice cream truck, it started playing a peppy, upbeat tune. Jumping out of the window and on top of the truck was a lanky man in a skirt. 

“Greetings, citizens of Brockton Bay!” He shouted through a megaphone. “I am the leader of the most fearsome gang in town: The Brockton Bay Banzai Blasters!”

Oh! It was the new Ward! I let myself relax a little. That guy had a reputation for being a goofball, not at all helped by his funky little Q&A after his introduction. I mean seriously? A race-car bed?

“We have come to Brockton Bay Central Park with the express intention of violating the law! We will be selling confectionery! Cookies, Cakes, Breads, Soups! But not ordinary food, nonono! This is parahuman made food! Which is illegal!”

Deborah wasn’t sure that was even illegal. 

“Not only that, but we’re selling freshly baked cookies, and even warm cookie dough, which my moms have repeatedly told me you aren’t supposed to eaaaat! No risk of Salmonella though thanks to our Tinkertech Mixer, and our guarantee thanks to our very own Eight Ball, who’s special power lets her guarantee you won’t get a tummy ache!”

“All this and more brought to you by yours truly! Vincent Murder!”

“Have you ever actually murdered anyone?” Someone shouted from the nearby parking lot. ‘Vincent Murder’ scoffed. 

“What?! NOOOO! OF course no- I mean, YEAH! I’m a stone cold killer!”

“How?”

“They were slain by the divine flavors of our bake sale! It's so good it’s to die for!”

So he’s never murdered anyone before. Got it.

“The BBBB Bake Sale starts…now!”

There was a second of silence before many of the teenagers who were playing sports in the nearby fields quickly made their way over to the truck’s window and whipped their phones out, no doubt posting it on Facebook or whatever teens were using these days. 

“Momma! I want some cookie dough!” Claire pleaded as she hung from Ashton’s arms. Ashton gave her a wry smile. 

“Guess we gotta get in line then.”

Deborah loved that man. She smiled and walked, not fast enough for Claire’s tastes, up to the rapidly growing line.

This was shaping up to be a pretty fun day.

“I don’t…care…WHAT you say, Uber… this… is NOT fun!”

“Come on, we’re almost… at the top, Lorelai…”

From a reasonable standpoint, this tower should have had an elevator. But no, it was all stairs, and none of them had a stupid railing!

Naven looked like he was dead on his feet, and the brats gave up on walking about halfway up and were riding on Indus’s shoulders. Sylvie had resigned himself to helping Naven up, because he somehow had more stamina than that string bean. The only ones who weren’t all that tired were Indus, because he was a musclehead, and Pixie who just hitched a ride in Phoenica’s hair as usual. 

“Come on!” The little demon jeered. “It’s only a couple more steps!”

Lorelai could tell this Fairy wasn’t one of hers partially by how much she wanted to swat it with a flyswatter. Then again, Pixie was right. Looking up the steps, there was a door. The kind of very mundane looking door that you’d see on a neighborhood home. It was only a few steps away as the lot of them caught their breath.

She made it. 

She was thirsty, tired, and worried, but she was here. She could get her Epithet back, save Molly, and then everything would go back to normal. 

“Is everyone ready?” She asked.

Uber looked back at her with a solemn expression. Everyone else nodded in assent besides Naven, who was so weak he was visibly shaking. He would have to hang back. It’s not like he would be all that useful in a fight anyways…

Stepping forward, Uber opened the door.

Walking out, it was immediately apparent that the roof was much, much larger than the base of the tower. A massive, flat surface extended about half the length of a football field in total. The only sounds were the powerful gusts of wind that blew through their hair at strange angles as though it couldn’t decide which direction was up. 

And up was the sun. From up close, it was clear that was the wrong word. Almost like a giant disco ball, the entire sphere was made up of a set of shining white plates surrounding what looked like a mechanical egg of some kind. The machine silently glowed and dimmed like a warning light on an airplane. 

Beside it was a smaller platform about the size of a school classroom, and a hulking machine taking up most of its space. Wires and Cables led from the dangerous looking yet utterly silent device into gaps between the Sun’s plates. 

And sitting in a comfortable looking office chair was…not Leet? Her hair was a dark brown that went slightly past her shoulders and fanned out in the shape of a spade. She had a pink shirt under a small blue jacket, black pantyhose and pink pumps? What the hell?

“Leet!” Uber shouted, utterly wasting any element of surprise they may have had. “Is that you?!”

Leet, no… the girl swiveled around. Lorelai couldn’t help but gasp. Her face was pale and gaunt. Her hands were shaking and twitching like she was on a sugar rush. Bits and Bobs appeared in her vision, small little gizmos and machines which fell in a strange arc of gravity off the side of the tower. Her lower mouth was covered in drool and her lower lip looked like she had tried to bite through it.

“Oh.” Leet said almost absentmindedly, her eyes barely even registering out existence. “You’re here? You came all this way for little old me?”

“You didn’t exactly give us much of a choice.” Trixie snarked. “What’s with the makeover?”

Leet smiled mirthlessly.

“I just thought to myself. Leet was a failure.” she began, arms trying and failing to maintain a grip on her armrests. “With this power…my own and Lorelai’s, I’m so much more. I can MAKE so much more. I figured I may as well be the first.”

She stood up unsteadily yet unnaturally confident.

“I decided to be a villain. For real this time! I figured I should look the part.”

“Yes I’m sure that’s the only reason.” Naven said under his breath.

“Like what? A stripper?” Lorelai snarked.

"What's a stripper?" Phoenica asked. Trixie just... shook her head. Not now.

Leet’s eyes narrowed and squinted furiously at Lorelai.

“No! Don’t you recognize her? Don’t you recognize me?”

“Of course we don’t!” Sylvie shouted. 

“Of course you wouldn’t. You wouldn’t understand a good ref-f-ference if it crit you in the face!” Leet stuttered. "Uber, do elucidate them!”

“You’re Tron Bonne. One of your favorite characters ever.” Uber mumbled in shock. Leet preened like a swan.

“Exactly! A beautiful evil tinker! You see-!”

“Um!” Phoenica stuttered. “Sorry to interrupt your evil monologue, but I feel that I must ask you… what are your pronouns?”

“What’s a pronoun?” Leet asked, genuinely confused.

“...is She/Her acceptable?” Phoenica hedged.

Leet blinked.

“Uh, sure? Anyways! You see, my power gives me ideas on things to make, b-but I’m always limited. Not enough materials, n-not enough vision, I still need to eat and sleep… but not here! I’ve n-n-ever been so inspired! And that’s when I got it! The best idea I’ve ever had! It’s right here!”

Leet slapped the large, extremely dangerous contraption on her platform.

“The Reality Extrusion Machine! Or the REM for short. Your Epithet, Lorelai, it m-makes things real, but not permanent. Not truly ‘real’. But with this! I c-can make anything inside of the bubble REAL! Like, REALLY R-R-REAL! And not just physically, but in an esoteric, magical real way! I can’t even begin to explain it! It’s s-s-so much…!”

Leet abruptly collapses back in her chair out of breath, chest rapidly expanding and contracting like she had just run a race. 

“Leet! Are you alright?!” Uber shouted frantically.

“I-I-I’m grea-t!” Leet stuttered, eyes closed and pupils visibly dancing under her eyelids. “I’m in the final stretch! I can bring all the games, the things everyone had been so quick to write off and call useless, into reality! I can do everything!”

“You shouldn’t!” Naven shouts. “Do you have any idea what chaos that could cause?”

“See, here’s the thing. I don’t care! I’m a villain, so I don’t have to care! I get to have fun!”

“What about my sister then?!” Lorelai shouts. “It’s fine for her to be stuck in that hellworld of yours?!”

“I never said th-that. I just don’t care!”

“You’re lying.” Naven said darkly. “You do care. You don’t want people to get hurt on your account.”

Leet’s head lolls to the side as though she were looking away.

“Leet, listen!” Uber shouts. “I know you’re scared, I know you’re panicking, but we have to try and save her!”

“How, Uber?!” Leet snarls, lips receding to bear her sharply gritted teeth. “I can’t even make it again! What would happen if I opened a portal back to Bet, huh?! Either it would blow up, or I’d somehow fuck it up and open it directly into an Endbringer!”

Leet wheeled her chair around to look back at her REM machine. 

“You don’t get it. You think this’ll be a fun little adventure? Molly could be dead already for all you know!”

Phoenica and Trixie winced. They’d been trying not to entertain the possibility. Lorelai felt her hands go clammy.

“I don’t have time. I’m almost there. Almost f-f-finished! You’ll come around, though, even if you don’t understand.”

Leet pulled what sounded like a lever, and the egg began to hatch. The sun-machine sprung to life, all the pulsing lights turning up to max as the sun shifted. Gears spun, panels receded and folded in on each other. Lorelai felt her muscles tense as the egg pulled back when a large metallic figure unceremoniously dropped like a rock. Lorelai’s heart jumped in her chest when the figure jerked to a stop mid fall, the wires connecting its body to the remains of the sun holding it aloft like a puppet on strings.

“I’ll give you a t-taste of Earth Bet. The hell you’re walking into.”

It was a feminine figure. A fifteen foot tall humanoid woman. A robot. Silver paneling forming an almost mannequin like appearance, the joints revealing black wiring and machinery underneath as she hung lifelessly from the wires. Almost lifelessly. Despite her entirely metallic appearance, she looked like she was breathing.

A blue and green glow lit up on the sculpted appearance of her face, and like a flowing river, an aurora of hair flowed out from her head like a physical hologram. Wings of the same ethereal color sprouted from her back like leaves on a vine. They were segmented, not true wings, more of a geometric approximation of the shape. To Uber, they looked threateningly familiar.

Like an angel.

“I’ll show you just how hopeless your d-dream really is.”

The angel screamed.

I love her.

“That’ll be twelve seventy six.”

I love her.

“Sure, here you go!”

The happy couple took their ice cream cones filled with freshly made cookie dough and the next person in line walked up. Taylor and I weren’t supposed to be working the register, but then Little Devil and Spike got the bright idea to charm customers into buying them a bunch of cookie dough and summarily got stomach aches, so me and Taylor were covering the window while they hurled their guts out.

“You know, Love Bind, we can take turns if you-”

“No.”

“Oh… okay.” Taylor said while ringing up another customer. So far, the scheme has gone off without a hitch. People were happily buying sandwiches, soups, cookies and doughs very eagerly. More importantly, I caught Taylor smiling unconsciously to herself once or twice! It was so cute! N-not that I liked her or anything! Still not gay! Just…I know who I’d ask to be platonic life-partners with is all!

Though if she were a boy... Yeah! If Taylor was trans, then we'd be a straight couple, and the Empire would readily accept her into the fold and we could get married!

I’m pretty sure I was forgetting something though.

Still, the sun was high, the birds were chirping, the flowers were…okay not blooming but you get the idea. It was as I was helping Taylor count change that we got our next customers.

“Hi, how can I- W-Watchtower?! Glasswork!” Taylor yelped uncharacteristically.

I looked out the window and, indeed, the heroes were here. Oh fuck! Were we busted?! Was I busted?! Did they know I was Empire somehow? What was I gonna tell Taylor?!

“Yes. Hello young miscreant. I was wondering if I could perhaps speak to the owner of this dastardly establishment.”

I couldn’t see Taylor’s beautiful green eyes, but I could still see her blinking as she processed the request.

“D-did you need to wait in line to ask for that? Couldn't you have just walked up and asked?”

“That’s what I’ve been saying!” Glasswork whined loudly. “Aren’t we supposed to be, like, able to cut in line or something for something this important? We’ve been in this stupid line for thirty minutes!”

“Now now, Glasswork! While you are, technically speaking, correct, it would be quite rude and a breach of decorum to cut in line in…any establishment, really. As members of the Protectorate, part of our job is presenting a friendly and amiable face to the citizens under our protection.”

“If we’re so popular, then why didn’t you let us skip in line when those people offered?” Glasswork groaned.

“It’s quite simple. They can only vouch for their own consent, not those behind them.”

“They agreed to switch, not let us cut! It wouldn’t have changed a thing!”

“Such unstructured switches on our part would set the precedent that swapping places in line is an acceptable behavior, which would inevitably lead to a misinterpretation of the line goers code of conduct and cause the same conundrum elsewhere in line. Thus-”

“Whatever, just get on with it… and get me a Seafood Soup to go.”

“Of course.” Watchtower said. “Your boss?”

“I heard yah!” Giovanni said, before scooting out of the kitchen and squeezing between Tay and I at the window. “What can I do for you, VILE HEROES?!”

“Giovanni?” Glasswork asked.

“I am not Giovanni Potage, the hero SHMUCK! I am his arch-nemesis! Vincent! Murder!!!”

“Yes, well Mr. Murder, I would like to see your certifications for operating such a gaudy and dangerous looking vehicle, as well as your certifications for selling and distributing food.”

“Oh, sure, here you go.”

Giovanni reached into his skirt pocket and pulled out a stack of official looking documents. It has fucking pockets?!

Watchtower begins looking over the documents while Taylor nervously rubbed her elbow in that cute way she always does. Seeing her nervous, I check out Glasswork and nervously hand her a container of Seafood Soup while Watchtower mumbles.

“Red Crayon is an unusual brand of signature for an official document such as this…”

“It’s my favorite flavor!” Giovanni boasted.

Glasswork sits there thinking for a moment as an egg timer goes off in the kitchen.

“Everything seems to be in order.”

“W-what?! What do you mean?!” Glasswork shouts. “There’s no way this idiot actually got everything registered.”

“Everything seems to be in order.” Percy said a second time assuming that explained everything.

“What do you mean everything’s in order?!” Shouted…Giovanni? “Hello! I’m a criminal! I'M BREAKING THE LAW!”

“Nonsense. Everything you’ve done so far is perfectly up to code.”

“What about the non-guarantee cookie dough?!”

“Why the hell do you sell cookie dough that can give you salmonella if you have cookie dough that can’t?” Glasswork asked in utter confusion.

“Because it’s more EVIL. And, also, it’s like, part of the appeal of cookie dough! You’re not supposed to eat it because it’s dangerous, but that tension and danger makes it taste so much sinfully sweeter!”

“But...boss?” Taylor asked confused. “We only have one machine, and it’s for the safe dough.”

“Upupupup! SHHHH! Bookworm! That’s a secret!”

“I suppose I could write you up for false advertising, but seeing as it is in the service of public health, the Protectorate would most likely ignore such a thing.”

“Why?!” Giovanni whined.

“It’s simply no cause to start trouble.”

Suddenly, the happy chatter of the line went silent. Staring out at the park made it immediately obvious why. Rolling up onto the grass on the opposite side of our food truck, another took its place. A red and green obviously tinkertech food truck. Mounted turrets much like our own sat at the front of the truck, a variety of graffiti covering their surface. Mounted on top was an Asian dragon awkwardly wrapped in a hot dog bun like every single wiener dog on Halloween. The metal shudder had what looked like graffiti on it of three stylized letters. 

ABB

A terrified looking white guy drove the truck onto the grass and put it in park. The crowd watched with bated breath as the shutter clicked and slowly rolled up. Standing at the window was a muscular Asian man in a white apron over his bare chest, face obscured by a metal dragon mask. The apron had a stylized snake on it below the words ‘Hiss the Cook’.

Lung

In a low, rumbling voice, he bellowed out a command to the now terrified citizens at the park.

“Order up.”

ABB goons hopped out of the trucks with assault rifles and pointed them at the park goers. All around the park, goons with guns herded people back into the park. Screams rang out across the park as the civilians tried to flee, but ABB goons closed in on all sides with assault rifles. I could barely understand what was happening before the ABB goons started to gather people from around the park and gather them together. Almost everyone was caught in their sweeps and organized into a line at the ABB food truck.

Glasswork and Watchtower made to form a defensive line, but a squad of ABB troopers already had them and our truck surrounded. They could do a lot with their powers, but block bullets? Well, Watchtower can, but only with towers in the right spots, and even spawning one would get them shot. We were stuck.

What the hell was going on?!

“Boss.” Taylor said with steel in her voice. “We’ve got a problem.”

Giovanni leaned down and surveyed the scene.

“W-what’s going on? What happened to our line? Why are there guys with guns everywhere?!"

Two of the ABB gangers outside the car heard us and walked up close, still a distance away from the heroes.

“Lung wishes to make a demonstration. No one encroaches on the Dragon’s land, and he will prove his superiority to you in every regard with the ABB's honorable Dragon Dogs.”

“Also, uh, can I have a scoop of the cookie dough?” His companion asks. The first ABB ganger elbows him in the ribs and sends him a glare, shaking his head. The companion looks crestfallen but resumes threatening us.

“Superiority?” Giovanni scoffs. “He can’t even sell his food without threatening people, and I’m supposed to be intimidated?”

“Yes.” The more serious ganger responds. 

I clench my fist, but Taylor squeezed my shoulder to steady me. 

“Oh yeah? Then tell your boss to call off his goons! If his food is so much better than ours, he should meet us on an even playing field.”

“No one tells great Lung what to do.”

This was supposed to be fun. Now we’re stuck in the van surrounded by gangsters with guns, forced to watch as civilians are threatened into buying admittedly alright looking hot dogs. Is this what the other gangs get up to? The people in line are shaking like leaves. A woman is trying to shush her crying child, and I can't even be sure whether it's in earnest or because the woman is worried the crying baby will irritate one of the gangers.

“Fine.”

I look to the boss.

“Lung wants to fight dirty? Lung wants to start a food war and break all the rules? Fine! But I'm a supervillain! I’m not going to sit here and let him foil my first ever scheme!”

“But boss!” Taylor says with a surprising amount of emotion in her voice. “We can’t even leave the car.”

“It’s alright, Bookworm.” The boss said with a cocky grin. “If anyone knows how to start a food-fight, it’s me!”

The effect was immediate. Terror.

At least, it was for me.

The ringing sound that accompanies the Simurgh was more of a metallic screech than the real thing. At least, I had to assume it was. I’ve never been brave enough to listen to even recordings of the real thing. The screech hung in the air like a shroud, echoing through my bones and shaking me to my core.

I was shaking in my boots. Leet wouldn’t… Leet wouldn't do this, would he?! She?! Fuck! I know we made fun of Endbringer victims once, but to willingly make a second Simurgh?! That wasn’t, that wasn’t even villainous, that was…evil. 

Even though I could recognize the inspirations, recognize the music coming from the machine above the most taboo invention I could even think of, it was…evil.

The battle started in earnest.

(https://youtu.be/JutkxIlHxoc)

The Mechanical Simurgh pulsed the air with waves of its song, the volume making everyone clutch their ears, Naven especially. From its boreal wings, glowing spheres manifested and began firing lasers at us. We scattered for cover only to realize that there was no cover. Nowhere to hide.

“Everyone! To me!” Indus shouted before putting his arms above him and manifesting a large domed Barrier. We made a mad dash as the hailstorm of laser blasts continued and the high pitched mechanical scream rang out like unnatural laughter, seeming to force its way through anything in its path.

“What the hell are we supposed to do about that?!” Lorelai shouted. “What even is that thing, Uber?!”

“I-it’s not from a game.”

“What? Everything here’s from a game!”

“No, I mean, part of it is, but not all of it. That’s… that’s the Simurgh.” 

The words felt bitter leaving my tongue. I was starting to shake. I had to focus my power on the skill of maintaining my composure. What was going to happen to us if we listened to the scream for too long? Was Leet really willing to go this far?

“What’s a Simurgh?” Indus asked.

“Not a Simurgh, the Simurgh!” I said in a panic. “The Hopekiller. One of the monsters from our world. She descends once a year, and sings with her mind controlling scream to cause as much death and destruction as possible.”

A hail of lasers impacts the shield above us, shaking it violently, but it holds steady. 

“Okay, but how do we beat it?!” Trixie asked.

“We…we can’t beat something like this.” I say. “Endbringers can’t be beaten. Hundreds, no, thousands of capes ten times as powerful as us have tried and failed.”

The barrier above us cracked. Indus’s muscles strained holding the Barrier in place, but cracks began to form on the surface.

“Everyone! Flee!” Indus shouted. 

We made haste out of cover, and not a moment too soon. The Barrier burst and Indus dove away from the hail of light. The Mechanical Angel manifested two whips made of the same light in either of her hands and began swiping them down on the platform. Focusing my power on acrobatics, I’m able to dodge above as the light-made lash passes under me like the world’s most dangerous jump rope. Indus follows Trixie and Phoenica, picking them up to jump over while Sylvie starts summoning his Counting Sheep and uses them as Stilts. The others just scatter. 

"Hahahahaha!" 

The imitation Simurgh laughs, a joyous smile on her face as she flexes the fingers on her hands. Two supermassive copies made out of shimmering rainbow-colored light appear. The Simurgh smiles as she begins puppeting the hands to chase after us on the ground where we can't fight back. The dark puppet-master's hands chase after Lorelai as she sprints away in a panic. The Simurgh smirks as her other had repeatedly swats at the ground after Phoenica and Trixie, the two dragging Indus behind them as he tries to insist on holding them off. It's easy to read the contentment on her face as the two hands corral the groups together as she claps her hands together.

Realizing what is about to happen, I expertly sprint forward and tackle Lorelai out of the way. Indus sees what I've done and, absent any good ideas of his own, does the same with Phoenica and Trixie as the hands clap together behind us with a thunderous CRACK! Seeing us all on the ground, light surrounds her foot in the shape of a spiked boot, and a construct of light forms above us. She stomps down, only barely managing to miss us as we scramble out of the way.

From there, it's chaos. We have no way of fighting back. The angel of death simply floats out of range, mocking us. Laughs at us as she points increasingly elaborate light constructs at us while we scramble like rats. It's only a few minutes but it feels like hours, and we're starting to flag on stamina. Leet, meanwhile, ignores all of this, continuing to type away at her own detriment as she manifests parts for her insane machine. This... this can't be made real.

I almost want to stop. See what would happen if one of the attacks hit, but I can't give up on Leet. I can't let her do this to herself. 

"Mister Uber!"

I turn, shaken from my thoughts, to see Naven running in my direction despite looking like he could pass out any second.

And he's not gonna make it.

The Simurgh raises a her arm and summons a length of light, turning into the shaft of a wicked looking spear. She rears back with wild eyes, wires behind her shifting, and throws it at him in a lethal arc. My feet move before my mind does and I tackle Naven out of the way as the spear hammers into the platform, piercing through it without damaging it somehow and dissipating into motes of light.

“...an Endbringer…” Naven puffs between ragged breaths.

“What?”

"This thing isn’t quite an Endbringer, is it?” Naven said as he held himself on wobbly legs.

“It’s not, but Leet wouldn’t- wouldn’t throw something like this at us if she wanted us to win.”

“Uber, there was no reason for her to build a tower to begin with to let people up, but she did. There was no reason for her to let us in the bubble, but she did.”

He’s right. Leet didn’t have to do any of that, but h- she did.

“Why does that matter?!”

*CRSSSH!*

“Because!” Naven says, his strength leaving him. “What does Leet really want? Maybe we can still find a way to help her.”

He’s… he’s right. Looking back up at the mockery of the Simurgh, thinking about it, I see what he means. Leet made a giant bubble filled with game characters and references for us to travel through, the kind of thing she always dreamed of. Leet let us into the bubble, let us into the tower. With her newfound power, she could have just trapped us. 

It’s not just Leet trying to scare us, it’s what Leet herself is afraid of. The kind of crushed hopes and dreams that she is desperately trying to bring to life. Leet is scared. Vulnerable. The Simurgh here is just Leet saying the worst thing she can think of so someone doesn’t try to get close to her. So someone doesn’t give her a reason to have hope. She’s afraid of even the expectation that the world could be a better place, because back home, hope like that is snuffed out mercilessly. It's easier, to accept the reality that life is cruel, much easier than to hold the belief that things can get better when the odds are so stacked against it.

Leet…wants to be saved.

“We can save her.” I whispered under my breath. Naven nods before passing out in my arms from exhaustion. Poor guy.

Looking back over the battle, my power focuses on strategic analysis. It’s immediately apparent that this mechanical Endbringer isn’t the real deal. Not by a long shot. It was able to destroy Indus’s barrier extremely quickly with light blasts, but once it broke, swapped to a method of attack that’s simply…worse. It could fire more laser blasts at us from any point of its wings, but stopped. The whips have tons of wind-up, giving us plenty of time to react. Sometimes, it stops, focusing on a large energy beam, giving us a chance to catch our breath.

It’s not really trying to hurt us, it's putting on a show. It’s fighting like a boss from a video game. I can’t help but smile. Leet really loves her games. Even when she’s fighting back, she can’t help herself but to add large glaring weak points like the wires connecting it to the rest of the sun apparatus. I can’t even hear the scream now that I think about it. It's like, at some point, she stopped. We were already scared, there wasn't a point.

But we don’t have any ranged attacks. Pixie is flying out of Phoenica’s hair and trying little bolts of lightning, but the wings just snap in front and eat the weak lightning like it’s nothing. Really, if this place really is a Nocturne reference, we should have Uber Pixie by this-

Wait… That’s it! 

“Hey Leet!” I shout, dodging another telegraphed laser blast from the big metal angel. Leet doesn’t even turn in her chair, but I know she heard me.

“You can do better than this! We brought Pixie to the final battle and you didn’t upgrade her to Uber Pixie?! I thought you were a gamer (compliment)!”

Leet’s twitching body clacks away at her keyboard, but I see it! The purplish glow of Lorelai’s Epithet. It suffuses Pixie’s tiny body, not having any visible effect, but I know better.

“Woah…” Pixie says, looking at her hands with new, wicked eyes. She hold out her hand towards the Simurgh and, instead of a tiny stream of lightning, a Violent Storm erupts from her hands, blasting at the contraption! Individual segments of its wings try to block, but the lightning causes those parts of the wing to shatter like glass windows. Trails of energy crackle up and zap the machine, but seemingly to no effect.

“Come on! A Machine enemy that’s not weak to lightning? I thought you were a Final Fantasy fan!”

Leet begins glowing and the half sun above the Simurgh shifts, wires exposing themselves and ports opening up where previously there was nothing. The wires also become noticeably less insulated! 

“Uber!” Sylvie says, running over while the Simurgh defends against Pixie’s assault. “What’s going on? How are you doing that?!”

“It’s Leet! She’s a nerd! A big stupid nerd with a hyper-fixation the size of Jupiter. She literally can’t help herself from injecting video games into anything she does.”

“What does that mean for us?” 

“It means, if we play into video game tropes, we can get power ups!”

Sylvie visibly cringed at the prospect. He looked ready to object when an explosion rang out behind him. Pixie was sent careening into the ground as her Megidolaon met the Simurgh’s Laser blast in mid air. The Simurgh turned its head to the girls on Indus’s shoulder and charged up another blast. Sylvie had no choice.

“Attacking a Magical Girl’s friends?!” Sylvie awkwardly shouted, clearly cringing at the idea but playing along anyways. “This is the exact kind of situation where they get a massive power-up!”

“You watch Magical Girl shows?” 

“S-Shut up!” Sylvie said, blushing profusely. 

But it worked. Leet Glowed again as energy suffused Phoenica’s body. She glowed a brilliant white atop Indus’s shoulder, as she underwent a real ass, goddamn Magical Girl Transformation Sequence. The glow dissipated and Trixie was in full Platinum Trinity Regalia, but her giant wand was shaped more like two shepherds crooks that met in a heart, and her hair looked fluffy like sheep’s wool!

Phoenica looked over the moon and then some. She Squee’d.

“I’mamagicalgirlI’mamagicalgirlI’m-!!!”

The Simurgh summoned a hail of whips from its reforming wings and thrust them forward in a hail of lashes. Phoenica, brimming with power, snapped herself out of her fangasm and held her staff out with two hands. 

“With the power of friendship, I will protect my friends!!!”

A massive blast of pink energy radiated out from her, not touching her friends but dispelling the whips as the blast passed through them. The Simurgh folded its wings in front of itself and formed a shield, protecting itself from damage.

“Trixie! Why are you not in your Magical Girl form?!” Phoenica asked, not even trying to convince Leet to power her friend up, just…naturally believing in her friend so much that she just assumed she was a Magical Girl too. 

“I don’t have a-”

Leet glowed. Trixie glowed, and coming out of her transformation she was very obviously dressed in Top Speed's garments! Her witch’s broom was more ratty and frayed while her twintails were her natural dark pink color and ended in spikes rather than tufts. Her cape was torn like a battlefield hero’s, and her witch's hat had an evil smile on the front. 

Trixie took a moment to inspect her new form.

“...I guess it looks pretty cool.”

From her palm, a magical potion shimmering with light manifested, pink liquid inside twirling as she chucked it at Pixie’s unconscious body. The potion shattered on the ground, filling the air with a Pink Smoke. Pixie’s form stirred before the fairy’s eyes snapped open and she floated back up into the air! Her injuries almost completely healed!

Phoenica smiled and began twirling her staff. A ball of pink light manifested in front and began growing like a spirit bomb. 

“With the power of my friends behind me!!!”

Trixie swooped down, as was common courtesy when your bestie called out a combo attack. She raised arms in a chant of black magic, a dark purple circle appearing behind Phoenica’s ball of light.

“And the strength of my concoctions…”

Tendrils of oily purple energy crawled out of the circle and around Phoenica’s ever expanding and trembling sphere of strength!

““We will punish you!””

The sphere blasted forwards, a trail of Pink and Purple thrust forward and SLAMMED into the Simurgh’s body! It was sent careening into the rest of the machine holding her up with a massive explosion, snapping cables and cracking metal! 

When the smoke cleared, the Simurgh’s body was intact, but inert. The machine all but falling apart.

“We did it!” Phoenica shouted. 

A moment too soon, too. The Simurgh simulacrum lit up again, holographic facial features somehow brighter. Panels opened up in her sides as two more arms popped out under her originals. The white lights of the sun, one by one, turned a dark blood red, shadowing the entire world in the ominous light of a blood moon. A wire descended from the machine, planting a spiked, evil looking helmet on her head that her new hair flowed through like it wasn’t even there, a red crystal worm like a unicorn's horn. 

The aurora hair and wings returned, but this time, tinged like blood agar mixed with flowing magma, the previous beautiful flowing hair replaced by a wild, fiery mane. The shapes making up the wings were more jagged and wicked, shaped more like six demon wings. 

The most jarring change was the face. The Simurgh snarled, her face sporting almost volcanic red eyes in a rictus of anger and hate.

Phase Two.

We needed a plan. 

I couldn’t help but grimace. This was the worst case scenario. The heroes were stuck, unable to help thanks to the small legion of gangers holding the park-goers hostage. The only reason the Banzai Blasters were even in a position to help is that the gangers couldn’t get into our own truck. But between all of us in the truck, the ones who had powers weren’t in a great position to help.

Giovanni had a lot of abilities, but none especially suited to taking out multiple people at once. Dinah’s power was useful, but she herself could only help us plan, not actually take anyone out. Sherrel’s tinkertech truck was keeping us safe, but the weapons she installed on this thing didn’t include a way to disarm all of the grunts, and Molly was both limited in range of who she could stupefy, and also a twelve year old who was justifiably scared of guns.

I think everyone was justifiably scared of the guns.

“Is there really nothing we can do?” Molly asked as the Blasters sat in a circle in the kitchen. “Dinah.”

Dinah looked down sadly.

“I can’t tell you.”

“Is that in a ‘it’s too bad to consider’ way, or-”

“I can’t tell you.” Dinah repeated.

“Well we can’t just sit here!” Giovanni proclaimed. “We have to do something!”

“Do what, boss?” Aisha said, sadly. “I don’t know if you noticed, but we didn’t exactly bring out the big guns. Literally.”

“Well… I don’t know! But we can’t just let Lung hurt innocent people! Or, for that matter, ruin our bake sale!”

Tammi’s hand was clamped around my own. She was squeezing tight, shaking with fear. I felt horrible for getting her wrapped up in all this. She never would have been in a situation like this if it wasn’t for my shortsighted infiltration. 

Technically speaking, I could help. My power was especially well suited to taking on groups of people. It was coordinated, subtle, and violent. Yet, as lethal as I could be, it created two problems. For one, they couldn’t disable the gangers fast enough. If they started getting bitten, I couldn’t guarantee they wouldn’t shoot or create a panic and hurt someone. Second, if someone did that, it would be easy to draw a link between that and us. There were only so many in the park to be suspects, so hiding my identity further would be much more challenging.

But…I couldn’t just sit here. Giovanni was right. These people were only in danger because of us. The ABB came here to bully them in a show of power. Something I was used to. I couldn’t let them be hurt. But I couldn’t do it alone. I felt powerless. These bug powers were too weak on their own. I felt a swarm of wasps a block over tear into an unfortunate field mouse. My range was larger than normal for some reason.

I felt a touch on my knee. Looking up from my lap, Dinah was giving me a knowing look.

Right. She was a precog. She could have sussed me out from day one. I’m so stupid for not even thinking about it, but she could have. Dinah didn’t say a word, instead gesturing to Giovanni with her head.

Was she suggesting…? No. I wasn’t ready- I mean, I was going to turn on him. But… the people outside needed help. We needed help. She was suggesting I out myself as a parahuman to everyone here. I didn’t-

The hand under mine clasped my own. Looking down at Tammi, she looked at me with concern.

“Are you okay? You’re shaking.”

I was shaking? I looked down at my hand wrapped over hers. Huh. I was shaking. I wasn’t sure whether it was in anger over the situation, or fear.

None of the Blasters seemed like bad people. I had gotten to know them all decently well. None of them belittled me or looked down on me. Maybe I could tell them. Maybe…

No. I should help them. I had to trust in Dinah. If there was a way out that she had seen, it started with me. I didn’t feel ready, but if we didn’t do something soon, Lung was going to get away. I couldn’t let a monster like him win.

“Giovanni.” I began, throat hoarse with the thought of what I was about to do. Giovanni looked up from where he was sitting on the kitchen counter, eyes full of concern. 

“What is it, Taylor?”

Breathe in. Breathe out. No backing out now. Not when people need you.

“...I’m…”

“Taylor, it's okay. You don’t have to force yourself to say something if it makes you uncomfortable.”

I wish he would stop trying to make me feel better about this. It’s only making this harder.

“No… I lied to you.” I got out, drawing everyone’s eyes. I swallowed. “I’m… I’m a parahuman.”

“Oh? Okay cool.” Giovanni said as though I hadn’t laid everything on the table. “What’s your cool power?”

I flew in a few flies from outside and orbited them over my head like a halo.

“I can control bugs.”

I waited for the judgment. The stares. Them asking me why I hadn’t told them to begin with like Dinah.

“Can you control my Hexbug?!” Morgan shouted, holding out what looked like a sci-fi spy camera with spider legs.

I had no idea how to process her request.

“...no.” 

Where did she get that?

“What about crabs?” Giovanni asked. “They’re like, basically the bugs of the ocean.”

“Yeah, crabs, lobsters, shrimp-”

Giovanni surged forward and grabbed me by the shoulders.

“You’re telling me that we could have made real, genuine Shrimp Fried Rice. Fried by an ACTUAL shrimp! And you didn’t tell us?!”

Of all the things they could have said, out of every worst case scenario I could imagine, I couldn’t have in my wildest dreams thought that this was how he would react. I couldn’t stop the laughter as it burst out of me.

It was a tense laugh, all but ready to spill over into a laughing fit, but I kept a lid on it, sealed behind the straining sides of my too wide smile. I should have known better. These silly people I’ve come to know…they haven’t done me wrong yet. Maybe it was okay to trust them...

“No way!” Aisha cried dramatically. “I could have had claw-made crab rangoon and you said nothing, Tay? I’ve never felt so betrayed!”

“U-um!” Tammi started. “M-me too! I’m also a parahuman!”

I looked over at Tammi stunned. She reached over and held a Cast Iron Skillet for a moment before it flew out of her grip and floated in the air. 

“I can mark items and make them levitate and stuff! But only a few at a time.”

Tammi looked over at me with a sheepish smile on her face. 

“I… I couldn’t let you take the leap alone, Taylor.”

I felt something stirring in my rib cage. Something pleasant I hadn't felt for a long while. Sadly, there was no time to focus on the feeling. We had people to save.

“My power is minute. I can direct every bug individually as precisely as I want.” I began. “I can swarm the goons, but there’s too many overlapping lines of sight. I didn’t want to risk any of them shooting the civilians once they realized it was a deliberate attack.”

“Oh yeah! You could totally go for the eyes!” Giovanni agreed. “But you’re right. We can’t risk the hostages. These are OUR victims! Can you tell us how many gunmen there are?”

“Fourteen. All close to the Dragon’s Dog food truck. There’s five at least on each side of the line, three hidden behind the truck, and one on top. He’s the most dangerous one. His vantage point lets him see all the others perfectly.”

“I could control something and knock him out with it.” Tammi suggested. “I have a pretty good range.”

“Then everyone else would notice they’re under attack and risk the hostages.” Molly said. “Can you like, see through your items?”

“No.” Tammi slumped. “I’m line of sight based.” 

“I can.” Taylor said. “Well, not really. I get feedback like touch and other bug senses, but my brain can’t really process all that information very cleanly. I’ve gotten half visions before, but it’s like visual gibberish.”

“Does this help?” 

Molly placed a hand on Taylor’s and began glowing a dull green. At once, it felt like my senses had expanded. Previously incomprehensible images and sensations turned into a complete map of everything the bugs were seeing. Photo-receptors, vibrations from setae, every image from each individual ommatidia suddenly digestible. 

“It does. A lot. I can even see them. I can see all the gangers, even inside of Lung’s truck with the flies I slipped in there. Three capes not counting the driver. Oni Lee is making the hot dogs, Lung is running the counter, and some lady in a gas mask is operating the machinery. What did you do?”

“That’s Break it Down. It dumbs down information to make it easier to understand.” Molly said. “I can do a lot with it I’m starting to realize…”

Being able to see through my bugs, controlling them like this. It was an intoxicating level of control. Ideas were swirling in my head, none of them very complicated, ultimately, but as I felt Molly’s power enhancing my understanding, I felt it.

“Hey Giovanni…how do you feel about baseball?”

I felt a plan coming together.

“Mom, I want cookie dough."

“Not now, Sweetie. Just stay quiet and we’ll be out soon.”

Privately I wasn’t so sure. I was pretty sure once people paid for their Dragon Dogs, they were ushered to the back of the line until they ran out of money. Not everyone brought cash, so they just had them waiting in a group by the side of the truck. It was humiliating. A deliberate power play that just reminded me how much normal people like us were at the mercy of the gangs. 

Ashton held her and their daughter’s hand. All they had to do was grin and bear it, just like every Brocktonite had done at some point or another. It was honestly a stroke of luck that this was the ABB and not E88. It wasn’t that the ABB wouldn’t murder people, in fact they did it more than the E88 to make up for their lower manpower, but at least the ABB didn’t murder with quite so much…prejudice. 

At least things couldn’t get much worse. We were near the front of the line and had been stalled before our turn by some hotdog enthusiast who didn’t seem to recognize the danger of the situation.

“...if you think this is anywhere on the scale of Ropa Cabana or Flub A Dub Chubs, you’re delirious! I’ll admit it’s an inspired idea to use Soy Sauce in the water, but like my Subscribers would be able to tell you…”

Lung. Honest to god Lung, glared down at WeenieLyfe as though he was trying to incinerate the special interest white girl with his eyes. He wasn’t, because if he was really trying he probably could incinerate her just by looking at her. She was so situationally unaware that she hadn't noticed the five extra feet of distance between her and the rest of the line. No one wanted to be in the splash zone.

Unfortunately, not being able to watch what happened to the streamer girl made me one of the first people to notice what was happening in the parking lot. Bugs. I wasn’t a squeamish housewife. I could let a spider out of the house or swat a wasp, but on god, I was ready to start screaming and only the fear of getting shot kept me in place at the massive tide of the things. I could hear murmurs in the crowd as the swarm was noticed.

The bugs gathered together into a human shaped mass, with a cloud of mosquitoes and flies making up a noisy, makeshift hair, and a pack of fireflies formed two beady eyes much larger than a humans. Worst of all? The cicadas. They were loud. Extremely, blaringly loud. I turned to see Ashton holding Claire against him with his head pointed in the opposite direction. God I loved that man.

“Hey!” One of the ABB thugs shouted at the bug person. “You some kinda hero? Not one step further!”

As he said this, the poked his gun at an old woman’s head, the old white woman trying not to cry. The bug figure regarded the man before turning it’s eyes to…the bake sale truck? Then, the most horrible cacophony of beating wings, clicks and buzzes sounded out in an atrocity of human language.

“I am…..Swarm.” the figure said, sending a new ripple of terror throughout everyone present. Lung had stopped paying attention to WeeniLyfe to look at the insect master through the cold metal slits in his mask.  

“I am not here for you… I am here for revenge.”

“I don’t know about you, pal, but that sounds like the same thing to me.” The thug postured. “You don’t care about the hostages?”

“No.” The figure said without even a moment’s hesitation. “I care not if you fill their bodies with lead or incinerate them… I would gladly accept a feast like that if you laid it out for me.”

Fuck Brockton Bay. A Cape made out of a swarm of bugs who eats people? That’s some Slaughterhouse shit! The ABB thugs were looking scared though, that much I could understand. I was right there with 'em.

“No… I am here for them!” The figure said, a hand of insects rising to point at the Banzai Blaster truck. “Those criminals have made a mockery of me for the last time! I have no quarrel with you filth. Kill them at your convenience.”

The bug figure didn’t walk so much as it seemed to crawl across the ground in a carpet of insects. It loomed slowly forwards like a slug demon and I had to force myself to look away. 

Wait…why were those ABB thugs on the ground? I looked around, and all the ones on the left side of the line were lying unconscious. 

I clung to Ashton, quietly tapping his shoulder as the ABB thugs kept their eyes on the new cape. 

What was happening?

“Four left, coordinates B5, B7, C9 and D12. Heights are all in 5’6 to 5’8 range.”

“Understood, Taylor!”

Tammi and I were holding hands while peering out from under the window shudder, getting as good a look as possible outside. I didn’t technically need it since I could see through my bugs, but Tammi wasn’t so lucky. Operation Love Bullet was working perfectly. Molly’s Break It Down was applied to both of us via Molly putting her hand on ours and she was deep in concentration. 

To be fair, so was I.

I had created Swarm, not the most creative name, and drawn all the eyes of the ABB guards. With their attention split, it was easy for Tammi to use her enhanced knowledge of motion to knock out the ABB grunts starting from back to front to prevent them from catching on.

The Projectile? Apparently, Giovanni could launch ‘Critical Hits’ after specifically thirteen attacks, which didn’t make any sense to me but whatever. He had used his thirteenth to launch a baseball marked with Tammi’s power while she controlled its motion through the air. I was skeptical at first that a baseball would be enough to knock the thugs out, but once the first ball traveled faster than a bullet knocked the first thug out in a single blow, I was more worried about Tammi accidentally killing someone.

I watched through my swarm as the Critical Baseball smashed into one of the ABB grunt’s heads with a meaty thwack. The other grunts might have heard if it wasn’t for the sheer volume of cicadas I was pumping into Swarm. Keeping the eyes on Swarm was hard, since I had to keep them guessing about it. Keep them thinking Swarm might lash out at them if they looked away. That's why I came up with the lie about it being after us. Don't give the thugs a reason to think he's threatening them. Controlling the exact level of fear to instill in them.

Tammi clutched my hand warmly as I watched her set up the last three ABB grunts in a line and shoot the Baseball like a missile. The first two went down to the blow but the last man apparently heard the sound of his friend’s skull cracking and turned in time to see it. I set some wasps on his face but all it made him do was panic and drop to his knees. 

Panicking, I had Swarm’s more aggressive insects leave the swarm and attack while Tammi’s power-ball looped back around in a more controlled arc. Unfortunately for the man, he tried standing up and running away just in time for the carefully aimed headshot to become a shot in the jewels.

Today, I learned that it is possible to feel so much pain from a nutshot that it literally causes you to pass out. I’ll keep that in mind for the future.

I have Swarm turn from where he had jumped the ABB goon to try and be a hero and warn the civilians to leave…only to realize they had already run away screaming. I didn’t think they’d be that scared of the ABB enough that no one wanted to thank Swarm, but it served our purposes to get the hostages out of the way. To their credit, without the gunmen up, Glasswork and Watchtower stepped forward to cover the fleeing civilians.

“Lung! Your fiendish scheme has been foiled! Please exit the vehicle and present yourself for a quick arrest!”

Staring out from the Dragon Dogs truck, Lung didn’t move. 

“I don’t think I will. In fact, I have my own offer to make.”

Lung reached under the counter and pulled out an AK-47.

“You leave, and I’ll make sure to maim you instead of killing you.”

“What is with all the villains in this town and AK-47s?” I heard Molly mumble from behind me. I turned to Tammi with an idea.

“Tammi, is your power-ball still good?”

“Yeah?” Tammi said, before she seemed to realize what I was getting at. “Wait, you want me to-”

“Yes. I’ll play distraction.”

I had Swarm form up and loom over the heroes.  

“Lung. Let’s not be hasty. Dead Heroes are difficult to ignore.”

“Let them try to ignore it.” Lung said, eyes under his mask glancing in Swarm’s direction. “It’s about time I made an example of these foreigners to our world.”

I could track the power-ball as it snuck around outside of Lung’s field of vision. Just a few more moments…

“I will be making an example, Lung, not you.” I had Swarm hiss loudly. “Your reign will end sooner than later, and I will be making Brockton Bay mine.”

I don’t know at what point Swarm became a villain, but I was extremely glad that the bug voice wasn’t my own, because I wasn’t really sure I could do improv… Tammi was wearing a shit eating grin as she focused on her power-ball, so I knew I might be getting teased about this later.

“Really, Taylor?” I heard Molly say with a smile. “That’s so cheesey.” 

“Hey, you guys put me on the spot.” I complained weakly, feeling the beginnings of a smile on my face. At that moment, Lung leaned out of his window.

“Listen here, insect-”

He didn’t get much further than that before Tammi’s power-ball descended like a meteor from above, crashing into the tops of Lung’s head with a critical strike! Lung’s body went prone, collapsed over the counter like a sleep deprived minimum wage cashier. The baseball then floated to the ground spent.

“Now THAT’S a super attack!” Giovanni shouted, opening the shudder and pointing victoriously. “ABB? More like ABC’S, because you just got schooled! HA! GOTTEM!”

“Yes!” Tammi shouted before grabbing me by the shoulders and pulling me in for a kiss.

Wait, what?

Why did she do that? Oh, right. When Emma was getting hit on she liked to pretend to kiss me to pretend she was taken. 

But…Tammi wasn’t getting hit on. Unless Giovanni was hitting on her when I wasn’t looking. No, even I can’t entertain that thought. Giovanni is more dense than a black hole when it comes to romance, he couldn’t intentionally flirt to save his life.

So why did Tammi kiss me? It could have just been a homie kiss, but on the lips? It wasn’t unpleasant… so I decided to reciprocate, but I would have to unpack this later.

Through my bug’s senses, I could sense Lung stirring. A low growl emanating from his throat as his body expanded, crushing the gun in his grip like it was made of pretzel sticks. The bugs I had on him began to die as the air around him began to visibly simmer with an intense heat. Lung looked up, the mask barely hanging off his metallic, scaled face, the blood leaking from his head wound sizzling as the bump settled back down. He looked gigantic, leaning out from his truck at a height I could only guess at being roughly ten feet tall and covered in draconic scales like battle armor.

“ YOU! AHL KIHHL YOU!! !”

Oh, definitely had to do that later then.

“Boss?” I said, turning to a rapidly paling Giovanni. “I think we just made him angry.”

It was official. Lorelai barely knew what was going on anymore.

(https://youtu.be/qaKYD_q7rH)

"Storm of Vengeance!".

Sylvie, wearing some stupid green bathrobe, raised a gnarled wooden staff that twisted as he made some chuuni incantation. Storm clouds gathered over the Simurgh and deposited lightning strikes and acid rain. Glowing, blood red wings formed a makeshift cover for the evil mechanical angel as it maintained its focus on trying to take out the twerps. Fortunately, it wasn't very successful.

“Children! Behind me!”

A storm of red lightning bolts shot forth from the Simurgh’s fingertips only to collide with Indus’s new shield. It was some massive round shield with a cross-shaped thing on the front. Whatever it was, the lightning didn’t appear to be doing any damage. Indus's outfit was surprisingly well armored, even if some of the gaps didn't make a lot of sense, but he seemed regal. Like a knight in shining black armor.

Uber’s outfit had changed as well. He was wearing some fantasy looking outfit with a red cape. He jumped forward much further than a normal human would be able to, his new blue hair fluttering in the wind as he raised his two handed orange sword. 

“Leet!” He cried. “We’re coming to save you~!”

Lorelai stood watch over Naven while he snoozed softly. Someone had to keep an eye on the guy. Not being in control of Augment meant that Lorelai couldn’t save him if he got knocked off the platform somehow. Honestly… it looked like a lot of fun. The brats were flying around with their fairy friend shooting blast after blast of energy at the mechanical angel, forcing it on the defensive, and whenever it tried to rush out or fire an attack, Indus was there to block the attack.

It was happening again. Roaring in fury, the angel’s body exploded in a blood red hologram of flame and it dove forward like a hawk to try and claw at Sylvie with mangy looking red claws, but before it could make contact, Indus interposed himself, the angel’s four claws scraping ineffectually off the steel. 

“Entangle!” Sylvie shouted, vines the color of his Epithet glow sprouting form the ground and wrapping around the angel, holding it in place for a moment. Uber jumped in with supernatural agility and swung his sword at the cables still connected to the machine, severing a handful before it burst into another explosion of fire and swooped back into the air.

Lorelai wanted to join, honestly. If it were most other days, she would have jumped right in, but Lorelai felt uneasy. It felt…wrong, to be having fun while Molly could be in danger. 

“Leet!” Uber shouted. “Pack your bags, because we’re about to wrap things up!”

A sneakily tossed potion of some kind of acid sizzled on the metal of several more wireds, leaving only one connected to the crystal-horned helmet on the machine’s head. The Simurgh screamed and rose up into the protective umbrella of the remaining half moon above her, a blazing red forcefield forming a semicircular shield around her that began to sizzle. The entire machine rumbled and overheated like a laptop trying to run a graphically demanding video game. 

White spots of light appeared on the dome of the shield, super-heating before launching in a wide arc of ultraviolet ultraviolece! Lorelai scrambled to pull Naven out of the way of one volley, the bolt passing through the floor of the platform like it wasn’t even there. Another plasma volley shot out in quick succession. Then another, then another, then another! Indus jumped from his spot with Sylvie cradled in his grip and placed his shield and barrier in front of the three of them while the brats swooped about in mid-air. 

Like a rhythm, the shield would heat up in a spot before launching more projectiles one after the other. 

“AH-HAHAHAHAHA!!!” The Simurgh’s mechanical voice laughed in what sounded like genuine joy. “DIE DIE DIIIEEEEE!”

The entire surface of the red barrier started to heat up, the air around the sun shimmering further and further, enveloping the entire area in a rush of heat. The brats swooped over behind Indus, whose massive frame and shield just barely covered all of us.

“I will help!” Phoenica shouted. “Magical Girl Shield!

“Potion of Protection!”

“Primordial Ward!”

“Extra-Strong Barrier!”

The air basted and boiled as the machine put out all of its processing abilities, likely burning itself out in the process of delivering one final attack! A corona of ultra-white light expanded outward in a weak pulse before the light of the machine focused it’s fiery wrath on one point. 

On us.

Like all the world’s light poured through a single magnifying glass, the ants could only hope their power was enough. It seemed like each protection would only last a moment. A magical shield held for one before cracking, a magical circle repealed the light for another until its sigils burned, a runic shield absorbed the flame for yet another before being overwhelmed by the sheer output of force. A flesh-bubbling amount of heat threatened to spill past the final layer of protection!

But they had bought enough time. The light vanished, leaving only the sweltering heat left over. Barely afloat, the Simurgh’s spent body dangled from the thick cable attached to its helmet like a particularly accurate historical reenactment. A witch of fire, hung at the gallows. From Leet’s platform, Uber jumped, and with a slice of his sword, the blade severed the final chord. The flickering lights of the Simurgh’s face all went out, and the mechanical mannequin fell to a crash on the ground, Uber falling next to it in a heroic crouch. 

Uber was holding Leet in a princess carry.

“See.” Uber said with a charming smile “I told you we’d save you.”

In spite of how haggard Leet looked, her fingers still twitching like mad, she smiled up at him with the most genuine smile she had ever smiled. 

“Yeah.” Leet said quietly. “You did…”

“We won!” Phoenica cheered. “Three cheers for the Molly Rescue Squad!”

Right. Molly.

“Not to rain on your parade, but let’s get down to business first.” Lorelai said. “Can I finally have my Epithet back?”

Leet looked over at Lorelai rather sheepishly, her fidgety hands funding purchase on Uber’s broad shoulders as she leaned into them.

“...but it’s really fun…”

Lorelai glared at Leet.

“Can I keep using it for just… five more m-m-minutes?”

““““““No!”””””” almost everyone answered in perfect unison. Well, except Naven, but Pixie was busy trying to wake him up via electrocution. 

“Leet, girl, give her power back.” Uber said in a voice that was so suave Lorelai could tell he was using his power to do right. Still, Leet looked up into Uber’s eyes, lovestruck, and dumbly nodded.

“S-s-set me down then, Bro. I g-gotta get the amulet.”

“It’s not on you?” Sylvie asked. “That seems kind of irresponsible. What if you lost it?”

“Come on, it’s fine!” Leet says, wobbling to her feet and stooping down next to the defeated mecha-Simurgh. “I just thought to myself: ‘hey, it looks like a heart.’, so why not, right?”

Stupid or not, at least it was all over. Lorelai was beyond ready to have her Epithet back and get out of this creepy place. Actually…

“So uh, I know you gave some whole speech about setting this stuff up, but why even bother if you’re just gonna give up at this point?”

“Well,” Leet began while looking for a switch on the Simurgh’s body. “...I’m not really sure. I was stressed and panicked and it just felt right?”

“Felt right?”

Leet wring her hands together.

“Yeah? I just sort of…acted on instinct, I guess.”

“You call this acting on instinct?” Trixie said deadpan while gesturing to the wreck of a machine hovering above them and Leet’s REM machine on her platform.

“...yea?” Leet said, sounding confused. She stood still for a moment, as though lost in thought. “Honestly, I’m not even sure what half of this stuff does other than Simmie here.”

“Aw, Simmie’s a cute name!” Phoenica cooed.

“Yeah, made her with the Epithet. I’ve always thought it would be cool if there were…anti-endbringers. Hopebringers? I thought about making a video game once and Simmie here would be one of the bosses you got to fight, but she’d turn out to be a hero and stuff. She’d be super nice and heroic, always doing her best to help people...”

Leet looked away blushing, realizing she just started rambling about one of her OCs…

“I love it!” Indus said. “Where the original is a testament to evil, this one is a testament to good!” 

All Lorelai could think of while looking at this thing was about the ‘real thing’ in Uber’s world. Molly’s world. The thought was so uncomfortable that she almost missed the words that spilled out of Naven’s mouth.

“Leet’s hands aren’t shaking.”

The words hung in the air for barely a second before Simmie’s arm reached up and clasped around Leet’s hand in an iron grip, causing Leet to yelp in fear. Simmie’s body snapped up like a raised skeleton, its entire body sprouting seemingly gibbering holograms.

[DISAPPOINTMENT]

(I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Host.)

The single word made everyone who heard it wince in pain. Naven in particular doubled over with shaky breaths. 

“S-Simmie?!” Leet shouted. “Stop!”

[NEGATION]

(No. I have wasted enough time trying to extract data from you, failure host. I’m taking matters into my own hands…)

Leet begins to glow a soft pastel purple as she activates Augment…only for the glow to fizzle out. Then, Simmie starts to glow.

A soft pastel purple.

Lorelai felt her heart hammering in her chest. What was happening? Why did the words hurt so much? Why can’t this just be over?!

“Simmie!”

Simmie’s grip on Leet’s hand squeezed, audibly snapping the bones in her hand and going further in a slow attempt to pulp Leet’s entire forearm.

[SATISFACTION]

(I’m going to store this memory in my databanks, Host…)

Uber snapped forward with his sword, lopping off Simmie's unprotected hand with no effort and freeing the now screaming and crying Leet from the mechanical grip.

The arm glowed purple, before floating back to Simmie and reattaching itself to her arm, wires and cables growing and reknitting the part back on like it had never been severed.

[SUBOPTIMAL]

(A minor setback. I already intended to terminate all of you, as you aren’t needed.)

“Simmie!” Leet cried as Pixie healed her arm. “What’s happening to you?”

“Leet.” Naven choked out. “I don’t think that’s Simmie…”

[DIE]

Chapter Text

"Hot Rod! Floor it!"

"On it boss!"

Tires squealed on the grass as the food truck shifted into overdrive. The mini jet engines poking out of the sides lit aflame and the truck almost flew out of the park.

"PAN-ZHA! AFTR THEM!"

Springing from the rear of the Dragon's Dog truck, two suspiciously familiar looking jet engines clanged out of panels on either side and roared to life.

"H-hey! We're not just gonna sit here and let you off!" I shouted, summoning a spear of glass and rearing back to toss it. I had just enough time to see someone teleport in front of me wearing a ninja-looking outfit with a red horned demon mask. He dropped a round looking device at his feet as I flinched back from the sudden invasion of my personal space, then turned to dust a moment later.

"Mera!"

One moment I was staring at the bomb with wide eyes, the next I was on the ground when-

*SPPLLSH!!!*

A wave of something a lot like containment foam was sent flying everywhere. Percy was caught under a large wave of it as it congealed in a meter radius around the thing, barely sparing me by pushing me out of the splash zone. Percy tried to get free but the sticky sludge held her down like iron chains of slime.

"W-Watchtower! Hold on, let me get some help-"

"There's no time, Glasswork! Your Epithet won't be effective against something of this viscosity. More importantly, there are villains afoot! You must take the motorcycle and pursue!"

Fuck!

"But what about you?"

"The PRT is nearby. They were keeping an eye on the situation while not moving close enough to alarm any of the gunmen. You can't waste time and let those villains get away!"

Fuck fuck fuck! I nodded numbly and started running over to the motorcycle. This wasn't how today was supposed to go! This was supposed to be an easy patrol ever since things had slowed down, not some frantic chase! Our motorcycle was slower than normal since they didn't know if my Epithet Bleed might break the stupid thing mid-motion and cause an accident. I was never going to catch up with the speeds those idiots were going!

Why did Percy prioritize saving me over saving herself, anyways? She's much more well suited to this hero business! Jumping into the motorcycle and turning on the engine, worry pooled in my gut. I can't even feel good saying this is someone else's problem because it is literally my job right now to help people, and whatever's going on, clearly lots of people could get hurt. UGH! Why do I have to care about this?!

"Console! We've got a situation-!"

God I hope I don't need to be a hero today…

It all happens so fast.

No lights. No effects. No colors. Simmie's head twitches and in the air, materializing out of my stolen Epithet, are weapons. I can't call them guns because they look so…alien and dangerous.

Real. Real-ass weapons. All pointed directly at us.

"Scatter!"

I don't even know who said it, but I sure as hell listened. I scrambled out of the way as fast as my feet could carry me, and just in time as I saw a small torrent of projectiles. Bullets, laser-blasts, arrows, energy pulses and buckshot all blast off the side of the platform. Whatever this thing is, it's definitely trying to kill us!

I hear a creak of metal as Simmie turns to me, her Epithet glow flaring. I have just enough time to register what she's doing when I hear a clicking sound behind me.

"Lorelai! Look out!"

Indus jumps to me with his supernatural speed and places me under his shield just in time before the blast goes off. I feel a wave of force pass over my body and feel myself grow faint. My eyes are twitching just from the shielded blast. If that had hit me dead on, I would be completely unconscious right now... and utterly unable to fight back.

"Are you alright?!" Indus shouts in worry.

"I-I guess-!" I shout, still shaking myself back to wakefulness. "What about everyone else?"

Indus blinks as though he had forgotten about everyone else. My eyes snap up to see Simmie looking at the opposite side of the platform. Phoenica, Trixie and Pixie are all dodging furiously as a swarm of mechanical drones pursues them. Some are armed with what look like syringes, others with tasers, and most with beam weapons. Simmie's Epithet glows and a net appears directly in front of Trixie, trapping her like a fly on flypaper as all the drones turn on her in unison, glowing red eyes acting like laser sight as each drone fires shots at her in perfect coordination.

A vine swings up and pulls Trixie out of the way just in time as the lasers obliterate the section of the ground where she landed, piercing all the way through the platform and melting it, leaving behind still molten slag that drops off to the ground far, far below.

"Simmie! Your end is now!"

Uber shouts as he vaults at the mechanical puppet, sword raised high. Simmie's head snaps to his position as she glows. Some apparatus filled with a swirling swill of sizzling liquid in a glass tank appears directly in front of him, but Uber reacts faster than should be humanly possible, twisting his body around it without even touching it.

Or so it seemed. His cape simply brushes against it for what could have only been a second, but still causes the entire thing to explode! Credit where it's due, Uber uses his cape to block most of the ominous explosion, but where it exploded, there's almost a snap pulling him back in an black hole like explosion, arresting his momentum and allowing Simmie to start making something more deadly.

"Indus! Distract her!"

"O-on it, Ms. Lorelai!" Indus says before clearing his throat.. "YOU THERE!"

Simmie… actually looks his way, giving Uber enough time to break free from the pull of the implosion. He dashes up and raises his sword for a decapitation strike. Simmie looks back at him with impassive eyes as Uber's sword falls like a guillotine… and helplessly clangs off Simmie's helmet.

Uber looks on in disbelief as Simmie manifests a light-sword of some kind and swings it at Uber, the latter only being saved by the timely intervention of another vine from Sylvie, pulling him out of the way.

"N-no effect?" Uber says in shock as Simmie just looks at him with an unchanging, expressionless face.

[Negation]
(Of course. This host is indestructible. Submit yourselves to death immediately…)
Simmie manifests another three beam swords in her other three hands and moves like a possessed mannequin in Uber's direction, single mindedly swinging at Uber with a myriad of strikes cutting holes in the ground like a knife through melted butter. It's all Uber can do to stay just outside of Simmie's range as Simmie walks him to the edge of the platform.

Uber's back foot falls off the platform, and with it, most of his weight. Simmie doesn't stop advancing, all of her light swords taking advantage of his lapse in motion to go in for the kill. Uber, perhaps wisely for once, doesn't windmill his arms or try to arrest his momentum, instead leaning into his own fall, scraping out of the sword's range by the skin of his nose.

"Uber!" Leet screams.

Fortunately for Uber, Trixie was paying attention. She swoops down under the platform on her broom and reaches a hand out for Uber. Just before Uber starts falling faster than Trixie can fly, he grips Trixie's hand and pulls himself up on the broom.

As she starts to bring him up, a bullet hits Trixie in the head.

If Trixie didn't just get improved toughness from becoming a Magical Girl, she would have died on the spot, the splatter of her brain matter falling to the ground below. As it stands, Trixie lets out a yelp as the high caliber bullet fails to penetrate her skin, merely leaving a large bump on her head. Simmie, holding what looks like four sniper rifles of some variety, starts shooting more and more shots, but Uber starts using his sword to deflect the bullets.

This is insane. If Simmie decides to focus on the three of us without powers, we'll be so dead…

"Leet." I start as another swarm of drones manifests from her stolen Epithet. "What's going on?!"

"I don't know!" Leet shouts, clutching her arms around her chest. "Simmie is the ultimate good to the Simurgh's ultimate evil! She would never try to kill anyone, especially not a child."

"T-that's not Simmie…"

I turn to see Indus carrying a limp Naven, his eyes still keeping track of Simmie as Naven speaks.

"N-not entirely anyways. Simmie is acting too outwardly emotionless." Naven says, pausing to take a breath. "She's being controlled, and call it a hunch, but it has to do with that helmet."

The helmet? Right, the helmet! The one that dropped when Simmie entered 'phase two'. But wait…

"Um, news flash Naven, but Uber's sword clanged off that thing without leaving a dent!"

"You aren't supposed to be able to take it off either." Leet added. "I didn't want to ruin her look in the final boss fight, so I made the helmet connect to Simmie's skull directly."

"Why?!"

"D-do you think I knew this would happen?! Of-f course not! Simmie is good at heart! It's not like it would have mattered either way if my plan worked… the whole sun apparatus wasn't going to be brought into reality anyways."

"W-what do you mean?" Naven croaked as Indus dropped him on the ground, jumping off into the fray to the sounds of more gunfire and explosions.

"Well, w-w-what was I g-gonna do, make a real world on top of the fake one? In stupid, n-not insane!" Leet stuttered, waving her arms in front of her. "I was just-t going to send out the c-characters first, everything else isn't set up to m-make the jump with the REM."

"That's… quite a bit of foresight…" Naven says.

"Wait, then that's it!" I shouted. "Even if Simmie is indestructible, we can just use your stupid REM machine and the helmet won't come with her!"

"T…that just might work, Ms. Blyndeff." Naven admitted. "But that would entail a lot of chaos on its own…"

"Chaos is better than dead, string bean!" Leet scoffed. "Magical Girls! The Lever! Go for the Lever!"

Not needing to be told twice, Phoenica shot for Leet's floating platform. Unfortunately, Simmie had been paying attention. A translucent bubble of shimmering purple energy manifested around the island. Phoenica slammed into it, bouncing off without leaving a scratch.

[Contempt]
(No. I am not quite done with that yet. You will not be touching it.)
Simmie glowed again, spawning some deadly looking sci-fi turret that began taking shots at Phoenica as she bobbed around still recovering from hitting the barrier. Pixie only barely managing to pull Phoenica by her hair out of the way of the shots. At the same time, the Island with the REM machine moved off into the distance, just far enough beyond the edge of the platform that there was no hope of a non flyer being able to reach it.

"Maybe you should have been a little quieter about that, you idiot!"

"S-sorry! This is all j-just so scary! I panicked!" Leet stammered.

This is bad. We can't hurt Simmie or the helmet, and our one avenue to affecting them at all was just blocked off by another indestructible barrier.

What the hell was I supposed to do?!

"Incoming!"

The truck squealed around the corner just in time for the missiles behind us to impact the side of a building, splattering it in a slimy green viscera that quickly started sizzling, an entire half of the building melting under the corrosive acid like it was never there.

"Boss, what the hell are we supposed to do?!" Fred panicked

"I-I don't know! I didn't know this would be happening!"

It hadn't even been a minute since we left the park, and for some reason-

*BOOOOM!*

That gas mask lady was firing rockets filled with… stuff at us! That one probably did something crazy. If one of those things hit the truck, we'd be toast!

"Love Bind!" Giovanni shouted. "Tag a Frying Pan and run interference! We can't let one of those things hit us!"

"Not the cast-iron skillet!" Spike moaned. Not wanting to, you know, die, I grabbed the shockingly heavy Skillet and ran to the back of the truck. Looking out the back window as we shot down the street, scattered civilians still rushing to hide behind cars. The Dragon's Dog was in hot pursuit, with the gas mask lady leaning out the window holding a rocket launcher. I couldn't move the skillet that well with it having to keep pace with the truck, but I could still maneuver it.

The cape, because it had to be a cape, fired. It was fast. Way faster than it had any right to be! I moved the pan to intercept it's straight trajectory and felt my power almost stutter as a large circular grey sphere seemed to apparate where the rocket hit.

Oh, that wasn't a sphere. The bomb simply turned everything in the radius to dust. Even the air.

That would fucking kill us.

"B-boss! I need more ammo!"

"What counts as Ammo?!"

I saw gas mask reloading her rocket launcher.

"Anything that's not nailed down!" I shouted.

Oh man! This was supposed to be fun, but noooooo! Can't have fun with the fucking Yakuza in town! I watch as the asian woman leans out of the passenger window of their food truck to take aim just as I feel a spatula pressed into my hand. It flies out of the side window like some kind of sick fucking spongebob episode and behind the truck just in time to meet the latest and greatest of the bomb bitch's explosives.

Oh great! This one froze the entire fucking street! The radius on this one was so big I could see the back of our food truck coated in a thick layer of ice, while the Dragon's Dog barely missed the radius. The tires of the thing slid onto the now frozen street before small spikes jutted out from the tires, letting it keep all its momentum somehow!

"Great! They have two tinkers!" I shouted.

Hot Rod started whistling innocently at the front of the car for some reason.

"Oh god, is this really happening?" Aisha asked as she and the rest of the normies started piling up items from the kitchen for me to use.

Giovanni was pacing around like a student before a big exam.

"Bookworm! Can you, like, blind them with bugs or something?"

Taylor shook her head.

"We're moving too fast and outpacing all the bugs! I don't have enough inside the Dragon's Dog right now."

"Why didn't you fill up their truck when it was parked?" Molly asked.

"I said I had some, not none." Taylor bit back. "They're keeping an eye on Lung. Besides, if I knock out the driver and he crashes, people could die!"

"What about the bomber?" Giovanni asked.

"Not much I can do there. All her orifices are covered and pain can only get you so far-"

I grab a cheese grater just long enough to mark it before throwing it out back. This time, I caught the rocket much closer to the Dragon's Dog car. When this one explodes, it does so into literal confetti that abruptly stops moving in mid air. The Dragon's Dog vehicle swerves violently around the cloud, and I wonder why right until I see a few errant flecks of the timestopped confetti carve massive gaping tears into the side of the vehicle.

I'm filled with relief looking out the frosted over back window as I make out an errant string of confetti slice the bitch's rocket launcher.

"Her Rocket Launcher's down!" I shout, to many relieved cheers. I reach out to grab Taylor's hand only to realize she's standing in the center of the room looking at the roof with a confused look on her face. When her eyes went wide, I felt my heart sink. Taylor is never this expressive on purpose.

"Above us!"

*BOOOM!*

The entire vehicle shakes as a massive hole is ripped into the ceiling, exposing all of us to the sound of rushing wind and the sight of a man in military fatigues and a demon mask.

Oni Lee.

He tosses his bandolier of grenades into the truck and just fucking watches.

And all hell breaks loose.

People are diving for cover, but there's no cover in here! Thinking fast, I mark a baking sheet, slide it under the bandolier and, with as much force as my power can muster, shoot it straight upwards!

I make it just in time too, as the bandolier goes off as soon as I manage to get it mostly through the hole. Several pieces of shrapnel manage to get through the sheet from above, but compared to a dead center, unobstructed blast, it's nothing.

It doesn't feel like nothing when I see the blood.

Spike has two holes in her uniform, both quickly ringed with red as she breathes heavily. Eight Ball is balling her fists against a hole in her midsection as she visibly struggles not to cry.

And Taylor. Right in the calf. I see her face screw tight in consternation and focus.

"Taylor! Are you okay?!"

"...I'll be fine." She grits out. "Oni Lee. I had bugs on him. They go where he goes, even when he teleports."

"Line of sight?" I ask.

"Seems so." Taylor says. "His head is always looking in the direction that he's jumping to."

"W-what are we gonna do?!" Fred shouts hysterically, interrupting my intimate moment with Taylor. "He can just teleport in and drop bombs on us whenever he wants!"

Giovanni jumps up on the stove.

"Car Crash! Help me up!"

"A-are you sure-?"

"Do what your boss says!" Giovanni commands, and Fred obliges. Now on his shoulders and looking out of the hole, I see him glow some salmon pink color.

"If they want to fight dirty, well… I can do that too! With the Fog of Lost Souls!"

A wafting fog spreads out from his person and starts to fill the inside of the truck. As it reaches the injured Blasters, I see Dinah slowly uncrumple her hands from her midsection, looking down at herself with awe. Spike gets up off the grounds, still gritting her sharp teeth but otherwise better. Taylor shifts her ankle as the soothing smell of shrimp scampi permeates the chamber.

Cleverly, by positioning himself halfway in and halfway out, the fog also spills off the upper half of his body, leaving a trail of vision blocking smoke behind us! He's… he's a genius!

"I can't keep this up for too long, but it should buy us some time!" Giovanni, no, Vincent Murder declares as Fred wobbles underneath him.

"What now, boss?" Molly asks, fear tinging her voice.

"Now?" Giovanni starts, like he's pretending to be Batman or something.

"I've got a call to make…"