Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Cameron

“Did you sleep with Simon?” 

It surprises him. It shouldn't, not really, Cameron has always been smart, capable of connecting dots others weren’t even aware of, that’s why he chose her, but he thought he had played his role well enough. Joe had found out early on that if he seemed to be brutally determined, overpowering everyone around him, people wouldn’t even consider he might be into men. Or at the very least, they would be too scared of him to give voice to their suspicion. 

He should have known that would not be the case with Cameron. 

“Is that something that would be a problem for you?” 

It comes out as cold, detached, as if he doesn’t care. He does care. Very much so, but he can’t afford to show it. Cold and detached protects him, it always has. Both because he actually likes her, as infuriating as she can be, but also because if it is a problem for her, she has the power to ruin his life and he needs to start doing damage control ASAP. Either way, showing how much he cares about her answer won’t do him any good. 

The relief he feels when she says she’s okay with him having dated men surprises him as much as the question itself. Unlike the question, that he always knows will eventually come up, he never knows which way the answer may go. Cameron is a rebel by absolutely every standard, but homosexual relationships are still very frowned upon and something even most open-minded people view as wrong and perverted. 

However, the relief is short-lived. This is not the first time a partner claims not to care about his sexual orientation, only for it to become a problem when he does a double take of some guy or comments on how handsome he thinks a male model or actor is (always after his partner has made a similar comment, he’s not stupid enough to voice his opinions unless he’s gotten confirmation that it’s fair game). Comments about women are always brushed aside but the second he shows any appreciation for a man things go south. It’s one of the issues of being bisexual, everyone is expecting you to “choose a side” and the second there is a glimpse that there are no actual sides to choose from, people throw a fit, accusing you of lying or leading them on. How much you insist that your feelings are permanent is irrelevant. 

Joe feels his fears confirmed when Cameron tells the taxi driver to leave while he’s saying goodbye to Simon. He’s not sure why he chases the taxi, only that something deep within him compels him to explain things to Cameron; and the knowledge that Simon doesn’t want him to stay. They had their time, it was short but beautiful and true, spending the night with him, lamenting the future they (Simon) can’t have or remembering their time together will only taint those memories. Joe doesn’t really want to leave, he can see the irony of it and doesn’t want their last encounter to be a bittersweet closure of the full circle their brief relationship has turned into. Simon left after confessing his love and he now wants Joe to leave after he has admitted his feelings. It feels hypocritical, almost cruel but that’s what Simon wants now, and Joe will give it to him, because he still loves him and it will be the last thing he can give the man he discovered Europe with. 

When they finally arrive at his apartment and Cameron confronts him about those last moments with Simon (exactly as Joe had been expecting her to do), Joe can’t help but break apart. He wasn’t planning to, it really is the last thing he wanted to do, but it’s the first time he’s saying goodbye to someone he really cares about due to AIDS, and he can’t quite cope with it. Sure, he knows other people that have gotten infected, has friends who have lost their partners, but he’s never experienced it first hand and he’s scared. Because with the life he’s led so far it could easily be him next time. 

Cameron is shocked at first. It’s clear that she was expecting Joe to confess having feelings for Simon and dumping her on the spot (she always seems to be looking for a reason to tell him to leave), and Joe is not very open with his feelings either, so the full breakdown that surprises them both is not something either of them knows how to deal with. But once the meaning of it dawns on her, the fact that someone he deeply cares about is dying, she takes it in stride and comforts him. 

It’s in that moment that Joe realizes that Cameron might actually be truly okay with him liking men. She will not turn back on her words or use it against him if things don’t work out. The peace of mind it brings is bittersweet given the timing, but it’s nonetheless welcome, as acceptance is not something Joe has ever been certain of. 

Over the following years, Cameron's support of his sexuality is always a quiet constant, never using it against him regardless of how at odds they are. When Ryan disappears and he asks for her help finding him, she invites him over and the request turns into a catch-up conversation. She tells him about fighting with Donna and marrying Tom; he tells her about Erik, the boyfriend he has just lost to AIDS, and about his own HIV diagnosis. They lament together, and Joe is once again surprised at her reaction to his news. She asks him about Erik, wanting to know more about the man that has made him happy during the last year, but there is no judgment, no wariness about who he’s been with or his illness, only acceptance, and sadness about what it means for him to be sick. 

When they meet again at COMDEX 3 years later she is genuinely happy about seeing him alive and well. She asks him a million questions about his health and his life, always saying partner instead of girlfriend or boyfriend, and he’s struck all over again about how truly accepting she is of him. She’s an ally, like he has never encountered before, and he knows that, in this particular matter, she will always be on his corner no matter what. 

He's worried about dating her again, conscious as he is about his illness. Gay men are too familiar with it, they are aware of what it means to be with someone who's sick. Straight women live in a completely different world where AIDS is practically irrelevant, little more than a dramatic story in the news. But Cameron doesn't have any of his worries. She, very uncharacteristically, learns when and what meds he needs to take, makes sure he eats properly, and writes down his doctor's appointments. When he gets sick she looks after him and stays by his side the one time he ends up in the hospital. It doesn't work out in the end, but Joe knows that she will always be one phone call away. 

Years later, when he can finally marry his longtime boyfriend, he doesn’t hesitate to ask her to be his best woman. She doubts for a second, but they both know her brief reticence doesn’t come from his choice of partner but for the man who would have been Joe’s first choice would he still be alive. The grief and sadness leaves as quickly as it comes, and within minutes Cameron is already claiming that she, with Haley’s help, will prepare the “gayest gay wedding” in history. It’s a joke, neither Joe nor his fiancé are particularly flashy in that regard, but the unconditional, unashamed support makes Joe feel warm. 

He is so very glad that he chose to bring Cameron into his life.

Chapter Text

Bos

Joe Macmillan is soft. Bos can't really explain that thought because the man is like a wrecking ball controlled by an epileptic monkey and causes about the same level of destruction. But he is soft. Part of him claims it is because he's from New York, but he has the feeling there is something else going on.

He gets a glimpse of that something during the dinner with LouLu, there is a tension in the air that he can't quite put his finger on but he can feel. It's not until Joe comes back with LouLu's boyfriend in tow, and Bos notices the challenging look in his face, the smug smirk in the boyfriend's, and the horror in LouLu's that an idea hits him like a truck. 

"He's a sissy". 

Despite what people may think of him, he doesn't really have an opinion about gays. It's not something he understands, but it doesn't really bother him as long as it doesn't affect him. And right now, Joe has used his sexuality to lose them a deal and he needs to be put back in line. Bos doesn't entirely agree with Nathan's approach, but he's not stupid enough to go against him, so he makes a phone call to his friends in the police and lets them know that there is a fag causing issues. 

His assessment of Joe as soft dies the second he sets foot into the police station. The boy has been beaten up, is clearly in a lot of pain, and is perfectly aware that he's gotten beaten because he's gay. And yet, he looks as determined as he was the first time he stepped into Bos' office and demanded a job. He marches on as if a man on a mission, head held high and pride in his eyes, unwilling to let this slow him down and Bos can't help but be impressed. 

Impressed enough that when a few months later one of their possible clients calls Joe a queer, Bos punches him. In all honesty, the guy is right, Joe has paid zero attention to the girls parading around all night, but Bos'll be damned if he lets anyone insult him. He's an absolute pain in his ass, but the guy has proven to be able to make the impossible happen, and at the very least he deserves some respect. 

His initial label of soft returns in the most unexpected way after Lev's attack . Bos has volunteered to take hospital duty so Donna and Cam can get some rest, but he's well aware that he'll still need to fight whoever took night duty to send them home. He is, however, completely unprepared for that person to be Joe fucking Macmillan. The man has exchanged no more than a handful of words with Lev, he has no relationship whatsoever with him, and yet, he's in his hospital room, looking as worried and sad as everyone in Mutiny is. But unlike them, he's not angry, at least not in the hot, burning way they are. His anger is more tamed, older, more tired, and Bos is struck with a sense of guilt because all the sudden he knows why Joe is here. He's not here for Lev, former Cardiff worker and current Mutiny programmer. He's here for Lev, a young gay man who has just experienced something Joe himself was subjected to a little over a year ago by Bos' hand. He's here as another gay man, who has also gotten beaten for his sexuality, to provide comfort and understanding in a way none of them can. 

That softness Joe has while watching over Lev disappears the second Bos makes himself known. The quiet anger turns hot, and the worry turns into a wariness that freezes Bos on the spot as Joe places himself between Lev and him. He has the feeling that Joe may actually strike him if he makes the wrong move and he realizes that the younger man is also thinking about that night in the police station and the part Bos had on his beating. Joe thinks Bos is also responsible for Lev's attack and he's ready to fight him for it, even though he doesn't really know the programmer. 

Bos is surprised by this loyalty to his kin. Joe MacMillan, the man that has proven time and again that he considers people disposable, is going out of his way to protect someone he barely knows just because they are both gay. 

"I hadn't had anything to do with this. You probably think I'm an homophobic asshole, and you are in your right to believe so. What happened to you was wrong and I'm sorry for my part in it. To be honest I don't really understand this whole gay thing but I'm not gonna hurt any of you again." 

He's not sure why he's saying this, he's not particularly sorry about Joe's beating, he deserved it, he's just sorry that his sexuality was the excuse for it, even if it was why they were having problems in the first place. 

"I'm not gay."

Of all the things Bos thought Joe may say or do, that was really the last one. 

"Of course you are gay, you fucked LouLu's boyfriend. You ignored the strippers. Look, I don't understand it but I don't care that you are gay. The same way I don't care that Lev is gay. Dammit, I'm here at fuck early o'clock to look after him."

He doesn't know why he's defending himself, but Joe has always managed to get him riled up at record speed. 

"That's all very nice of you and I'm sure Lev would be glad to hear it, but I'm not gay. I like men, yes, but I also like women. I was with Cameron in case you have forgotten, and I'm engaged to a woman. I'm bisexual."

Joe adds the last part almost as an afterthought, but for all that Bos is concerned he may as well not have said anything because he doesn't even know what that means. Gay is hard enough to understand, but liking both? That truly makes no sense. And why would anyone who likes women choose to be with men?

Bos doesn't understand, but it seems he doesn't need to. Joe gives him one last hard stare and leaves, not bothering to say anything else. 

Joe's sexuality doesn't cross Bos' mind again until they stumble into each other at a party in San Francisco almost a year later. Joe mentions being with someone at the party when they talk but it's not until later that Bos realizes the someone is a man. SF is more open minded than Texas and gays are more accepted, enough apparently that Joe feels free to be more forward with his date. It's just when he and Dianne are about to leave that he bumps again into Joe and gets evidence of exactly how forward.

The younger men are waiting by the coatroom and seem to be getting ready to leave. They are standing very close to each other, much closer than mere friends would be, and seem to be almost oblivious to the world around them. As Bos and Dianne approach them, one of Joe's hands sneaks into the back pocket of the man's trousers, pulling him closer until their bodies are touching. The other hand comes to rest on his waist, thumb lightly stroking the hip bone while the man's hands rise to Joe's chest. As they are approaching them, the man says something that makes Joe laugh and then, to both Bos' and Dianne's surprise, the New Yorker leans in and gives the other man a quick kiss on the lips, smiling softly even as he pulls apart. 

Bos notices that Joe seems happy. Much happier than he's seen him in a long time, maybe ever, and he decides that he doesn't really need to understand about gays or bisexuals or whatever. People are happy and that's good enough for him. He normally would not give a shit whether Joe MacMillan is happy or not, but the man made the effort to congratulate him for becoming a grandfather, so he's scoring a bit higher in his book. 

They finally reach the couple right when they are turning to leave. Bos doesn't miss how Joe tenses when he notices them, especially because Dianne is looking at them as if they are little green men from Mars, but he still doesn’t let go of his date, if anything he just holds on tighter. Much like that night in the police station, Joe is waiting for them to say something, half hoping they won’t but half daring them to, unwilling to hide or be ashamed of who he is. To defuse the situation and as both a thank you and an apology, Bos takes the lead and introduces himself to the man, asking point blank and as casually as he can if he is Joe's boyfriend, making it obvious that he's aware and okay with Joe's sexuality. 

Joe introduces the man as Erik, confirming that he's his boyfriend and announcing that they have been dating for nearly half a year, which surprises Bos as he didn't think Joe was one for long-term relationships. Cautious as he still is, the younger man visibly perks up as he talks, which brings an unexpected sense of rightness to Bos. He doesn’t like Joe, but he’s aware of how much he, Cam, Donna, and even Gordon, have messed up this man’s life. He’s not an innocent party in any of it, far from it, but at the end of the day, they were together, while Joe was alone, having lost everything, his wife included.  

Bos doesn’t like Joe MacMillan, and he still doesn’t understand the whole gay thing, much less this bisexuality thing Joe labeled himself as, but seeing him this happy makes him feel as if they have finally a clean slate. Bos finds that he genuinely wants Joe’s relationship to last. Everyone deserves to have someone to love that loves them back, even such a bastard as the New Yorker is. If that someone is a man, well, there are many other things Bos doesn’t understand but rolls with. 

Chapter Text

Lev

Lev wakes up in the hospital several times before he actually wakes up. It’s all hazy and he only half remembers people and words that he's not entirely sure whether they were a dream or real. Joe MacMillan standing guard on the chair next to his bed is the only one he's sure he's dreamt. Because it doesn't make any sense for it to be real. 

That is, until his second night off of the good drugs, when he wakes up from the pain and Joe is the person that answers his grunt. For a moment, Lev is so surprised that he forgets his pain, but Joe seems to notice his discomfort and calls for the nurses without giving him a chance to recover. Lev doesn't know what the hell is happening, but he's rather sure the painkillers he's now getting are the good stuff and he knows it's entirely Joe's doing, so he lets the fog claim him back without further questioning about his former boss' presence in his room. 

"Why are you here?"

It startles Joe, thinking as he was that Lev was asleep. The question comes out of the blue, but Joe has been spending every night in Lev's room and the programmer can barely hold the question any longer. It just doesn't make any sense. He barely knows the guy, Lev is not sure they have ever held an actual conversation. He only would be here for Cameron, and even that doesn't make sense because right now she hates his guts. 

"I was worried"

It sounds so sincere, so sad and wounded, that Lev doesn't know what to say. But it just brings more questions and he’s still medicated enough for the words to slip through any reticence he may have. 

"Why? You don't know me. You don't even like me."

"But I know what it feels like. And I don't think anyone else does. I thought you may want to talk to someone who understands. I know I would had"

"Uh? Understand what? What do you…. Oh!"

It dawns on him like a wave. The pointed yet sad way Joe is looking at him confirms Lev's suspicion and it, somehow, makes him feel better. He doesn't like Joe, he doesn't think anyone actually likes Joe, but unlike the others, he doesn't dislike him either. He thinks he's an idiot and an asshole, but otherwise doesn't have particularly strong feelings about him one way or the other. But right now, he's offering a lifeline, and Lev feels the urge to take it. 

Because he is right, no one else understands. They may be supportive, may be angry or scared on his behalf, but they don't know what it feels like. The fact that it's Joe, out of everyone, the one who does understand feels strange. Lev never thought he would have anything in common with Joe MacMillan, their sexuality even less. 

"Is this the first time it has happened to you?"

Lev snaps his eyes to the other man at the tone of the question. It's calm and quiet, almost casual, but it holds a pain and resignation that tells him, without a doubt, that Joe has been in this position more than once. It makes him see Joe in a completely new light. 

Lev has never been particularly open about being gay. He hasn't exactly hidden it, but he's been careful, so this is in fact the first time that he has actually been hurt because of it. There was obviously some teasing in school, words thrown here and there, some notes on his locker, but nothing terrible. He was teased more for his geekiness than for his sexuality. The way Joe is going about this conversation suggests that it hasn't been the same for the older man. 

"In my senior year I dated the captain of the football team for about a month. When one of his friends found us kissing, he wasn't ready to come out and threw me under the bus, saying I had forced myself on him. The whole team waited for me after school. I ended up with a broken arm and a couple bruised ribs. It could have been worse, I actually had it worse in college,  but it was right before finals and writing the exams was a pain". 

He's once again so casual about the whole thing that Lev hurts for him and he realizes how lucky he's been. Up until this point he's never been chased because of his sexuality, and he's been lucky enough to be around people who accept him. A realization hits him like a train when he thinks about everyone at Mutiny and makes him suddenly angry. 

"What about Cameron? You were together, was she just a cover?"

"No. She wasn't, I swear she wasn’t. I'm not gay, Lev. I like men but I also like women. I know what I've just told you may sound a bit empty now, because I could just date women and save myself problems, but then I wouldn't be true to myself. I like who I like, and I'm not going to apologize for it or pretend I'm different."

He stops for a second, but Lev knows he's not quite done yet and he's curious about what he may say next. 

"I'm older than you. I've dated men and women, both casually and in committed relationships. I've been insulted, and threatened, and beaten because of who I chose to be with. I've been overlooked for promotions and lost deals for speaking up against homophobic remarks. I even tried to pretend to be straight. Let me tell you, it doesn't work. You'll be safe but you won't be happy."

"I'm scared"

He surprises himself with that confession. He is in fact scared, but Lev wasn't planning on saying it out loud. But Joe is being so open, is showing him that he truly understands, that the words slip out before he can stop them. 

"I know. I was scared too. I still am sometimes. But we can't let them scare us into pretending we are something we aren't. We can't give them that power. We cannot let them win."

"What do we do then?"

"We stick together. Look out for each other. I know some gay bars that are safe, I can give you the names and addresses. I can go with you if you don't feel safe or when you are meeting someone new for the first time. I can introduce you to some friends or people I've dated before. I don't think we have the same type in men, but it's good to have a network of people who care and understand."

He's being so serious and earnest that Lev is reconsidering everything he thought he knew about Joe. This is not the same cold man who uses people and tosses them when he's done with them. Professional Joe is an asshole. Gay Joe is a protector and, against everything Lev has ever thought, he's glad to have crossed paths with him. 

True to his words, Joe sticks around. He introduces him to some of his gay friends, and once Lev feels ready to go out again Joe takes him to a bar he has clearly gone to a lot if the way the bartender greets him is anything to go by. Given how low-key Joe is with his sexuality, Lev is surprised by how involved he seems to be in the gay community, he’s not just a passer-by as Lev is, he is present and active. He has a lot of friends, not only gay men but also quite a few lesbians, and they all greet him as if this is not the first time Joe introduces them to someone new he himself barely knows. Which turns out is not, Lev soon discovers that his former boss tends to rescue scared gays as one would stray kittens, stepping up when they are in danger and taking them to the people they belong with. He also discovers that his offer to tag along whenever he meets someone new is, apparently, something he does often, and that he tends to feel particularly protective of gay women, staying close by like a bodyguard when someone approaches them. 

Lev never thought Joe would get involved in anything he would not get something out of, but seeing him willingly get dragged along by a woman half his size to hoover around her while she meets another woman, really brings home the fact that Joe is doing this out of goodness and worry. He’s not going to hook up with any of the lesbians that make use of his shield-like physique, they have no interest in him or him in them. Most of the time he’s not even getting a drink out of the arrangement, he just goes, stands around until it’s clear that everything is going alright, and then gets back to his seat, continuing the conversation as if nothing happened, as if this is just something normal he does (which apparently is).

It’s strange at first, this new Gay Joe, but it also feels fitting, somehow. 

Once they move to San Francisco, both of them within weeks of each other, they go out together to discover gay bars. Lev knows this city is more open and while he’s not sure if the other man is up for dating, he knows now that Joe feels most at home among gay people, so he doesn’t think the other man will turn down his suggestion to explore. Surprisingly, given that Joe seemed quite done with the whole dating thing, he finds a partner quite soon, a nurse who works in one of those AIDS clinics. They click instantly in a way that has Lev worried that Joe will just toss him away as he’s seen him do with other people, but the taller man still goes out with Lev whenever he asks, often dragging Erik along with him as they both act as wingmen for the programmer. They are an impressive team, hooking Lev up with more guys that he could ever get on his own. How obvious is that they are a couple helps divert the attention from them, as it’s clear neither Joe nor Erik are available, and in turn brings it to Lev, making him look more interesting. 

No one in Mutiny knows that he is in contact with Joe, but it doesn't feel like he's keeping secrets. They don't understand what is like not being straight and Joe does, so they can't really expect him to drop the one person that gets him. And this Joe is so different from the Joe they all know that it's almost as if he's a different person. 

With time they drift apart. Lev starts dating a guy and things are going well, they get serious, move in together. Joe and Erik both get an HIV+ diagnosis and, at first, are too worried and busy to go out, and later Erik is too sick to really leave the house and Joe doesn't want to leave him alone. Lev feels for them, by now he's more familiar with the illness than he would like, he's already gone to several funerals, both alone and with Joe or their partners. He too goes to Erik's funeral when he dies, wanting to say goodbye to the man he’s gotten to know well and to support Joe. He also visits Joe at the hospital when the HIV turns a common cold into severe pneumonia. 

As far as he knows, he's the only person from their life in Texas that visits him. 

Lev is happy for Joe when he, somehow, doesn't die from AIDS in the predicted time. The bastard is too stubborn even for that, enough to keep himself alive until a medication is approved and released. 

Joe gets better and they keep contact loosely. They meet every now and then, more often than not just bumping into each other at someone’s party. Joe calls him after the grief about losing Erik and Ryan (who Lev always suspected Joe viewed as more than just a protegé, even if he didn’t exactly had romantic feelings for) gets manageable enough to try dating again. It had surprised him, having had a front row seat to the mess his and Cameron's relationship was, how truly invested he was with Erik, how committed. So Lev recruits his boyfriend and some common friends and meets with Joe in what he knows is one of his favorite bars, all of them trying to set him up with people even if it’s clear that Joe doesn’t really want to hook up with anyone.

Lev is not sure if he would consider Joe a friend. He's someone who helped him because no one else could, and because Joe is surprisingly protective of gay people. They've hung around sometimes. They've gone to more funerals than anyone should have and they've grieved together and partied together. He's someone who went to him at a turning point in his life to assure him that there would always be someone on his corner. To make sure he remained true to himself. 

They go to each other's weddings, and one Christmast Joe emails him a picture of him, his husband and the baby they’ve just adopted. It doesn't feel so much as friendship but more as a camaraderie between people who had faced similar problems. But Lev is still grateful for having encountered Gay Joe, who is much nicer than Professional Joe. That one is still a bastard.

Chapter Text

Gordon

Gordon finds out that Joe is into men completely by accident when they are shorting out the last details for the Giant's mass production. With most of his work done for the day, Joe leaves the office at a reasonable hour while Gordon stays behind finishing up work and ends up going into a rabbit hole that has him pounding into the taller man's door in the middle of the night. He knocks but doesn't even wait for Joe to open the door, using his key to barge all the way into the living room, speaking a mile a minute, until he is stopped on his tracks by a broad bare chest that very much doesn't belong to his business partner. 

He looks up to a blond guy, naked save from his briefs and with the light hair pointing in every direction, who looks as confused as Gordon feels. Turning around, the engineer notices for the first time that Joe is pretty much in the same state as his guest. 

Gordon is even more confused until he takes a proper look at the scene. There are two sets of wine glasses on the table, a carelessly thrown T-shirt is hanging from the lamp by the couch, and he can see two pairs of trousers on top of each other on the floor by the bedroom's door. The nightstand’s light is on (the only one in the apartment) casting enough light to see the beginning of a taletelling bruise on Joe's neck, and faintly reflecting on the small, square foil packages, at least one of which is already empty, that are laying around on the table and next to the trousers (condoms, his brain supplies very unhelpfully). Embarrassed, Gordon looks down from Joe's body and immediately looks up again at the ceiling, heat rising on his cheeks at the clear erection on the man's underwear. 

"Unless something is on fire, it can wait until tomorrow morning." 

Joe’s voice is calm but husky and Gordon wants nothing more than for the earth to swallow him whole. At the lack of divine intervention, he just stutters an agreement and leaves in a hurry, eyes desperately avoiding any of the men's bodies not wanting to see any more evidence of what he has just walked into. He can hear the other man laugh as soon as the door is closed, followed by Joe’s low, playful “shut up” that leaves very little to the imagination. The laugh is cut with a little yelp that has the engineer nearly running out of the building.

Gordon just wants to go home and die in his sleep so he doesn't have to face Joe tomorrow. 

In the morning, Joe just calls him into his office, demanding his apartment's key back and asking if Gordon has any problems with what he walked in on the previous night. More than problems he has questions, Joe being gay is so out of the realm of possibility that Gordon is sure winning the lottery would be more plausible. It also doesn't make sense because it's common knowledge that he and Cameron were together. But Joe's voice is cold as steel in a way that Gordon has never heard before, and he knows questions are not welcomed. So he just returns the key, confirms that there are no problems and leaves. He turns at the door, compelled by some unknown reason to add some reassurance.

"I won't say anything to anyone about yesterday."

They never talk again about Gordon's accidental discovery until almost three years later when he awkwardly asks Joe if he and Ryan were a couple. For a moment Joe looks deeply sad and defeated and Gordon is afraid that he's hit a sensible topic. 

"I never had those feelings for Ryan. I was dating someone until recently, we were together for nearly a year"

"What happened?"

"He died. It was quite fast. AIDS. He was a nurse in one of the clinics and there was an accident. I'm also infected, spent a few days in the hospital for pneumonia a couple weeks ago." 

Gordon feels like all the oxygen has left the room. He's dying himself and yet still can't even imagine what Joe is going through. He's sick with something that will kill him painfully and soon, and he has just seen his partner of one year die from the very same thing. God, with everything that's happening he's probably seen many other friends die from it.

And he is alone. 

He's always been alone. 

Gordon realizes that despite having known each other for over 4 years and being somewhat friends, he doesn't really know much about Joe. Aside from Cameron, that one guy in his apartment, and Sara he doesn't know if Joe has had more partners. He always assumed he dated, or at the very least slept around, but he doesn't really know. So he asks. He asks about his latest boyfriend, Erik, and about that guy ("Owen, but he was just a hookup, we only met a handful of times and always just for sex"). He asks if he's had more partners either casual or serious ("serious not many, casual a lot") and if he prefers men or women ("I don't really have a preference, but it's harder to be in serious relationships with men, there is a lot of stigma"). 

The conversation then turns about Joe's health, about his friends, the funerals Joe has gone to, and the many times being attracted to men has caused him problems. Over the night Gordon learns a lot about his friend, and discovers his life hasn't been as good and easy as he always thought. Eventually, Gordon tells him about his own diagnosis and Joe's fuzzing over him is almost comical given what the man has just told him. 

Not long after, a medication is released and Joe’s health improves, there are still quite some visits to the hospital but it’s much better than it could have been. Meanwhile, Gordon gets worse. 

Ryan dies. Cameron leaves. Gordon divorces. Life moves on. 

The engineer asks to join Joe on one of his nights out in town, saying he wants to have some fun and maybe meet some people. He knows Joe is becoming open to the idea of dating once again and he argues that since both of them are single, it would be the perfect opportunity. Gordon realizes he should have been more specific about his request and more suspicious of Joe’s smirk when he walks in on what is very clearly a gay bar. He’s surprised at how familiar the bartender and what feels like some regulars are with Joe, getting his order without having to ask for it and asking questions about Joe’s life events that Gordon wasn’t aware of. 

While Joe hasn’t hidden his sexuality, he hasn’t flaunted it, very rarely doing or saying anything that could give any indication of his orientation either way, so the fact that he seems to frequent gay bars comes as a surprise. And not only he seems to be a regular himself but he seems to actually have friends, friends that know him well enough to give him condolences about Ryan and Erik and to recognize Gordon by name. It’s strange being in a gay bar, and Gordon feels uncomfortable at first, but apparently is common knowledge that he’s straight so no one really attempts to pursue him, which allows him to relax enough to reflect on this new side of Joe he didn’t know about. He seems open and at ease in a way that the engineer has only seen him when he interacts with his daughters and thinks no one is watching. He seems almost happy, and Gordon is hit with the thought that right now, in this bar with these people, Joe looks more like himself than ever before. 

About a year in their new bachelor life, after many nights out, both in regular and gay bars, and when Joe has been dating his current boyfriend for a couple of months, Gordon’s curiosity wins and he asks about the Joe that comes out only on those bars and when it’s just them two and his male partner. For a long moment Joe doesn’t answer, looking at the younger man much like the first time they met and he was testing him. Then, looking away from him, Joe explains how he feels they are his people, the ones he doesn’t need to be afraid off about who he likes. Those are the people he has a shared history with, shared joys, and shared grieves. Because no matter how accepting Gordon or Cameron may be, they don’t understand. 

“What about my daughters? I’ve seen you with them, you look as happy and relaxed as you are in those bars, and they aren’t gay.”

“That you know. That they know. And that’s why. They are still young enough that if I let slip that I’m dating a man or that I had boyfriends in the past, they are not really aware that they should feel disgusted. Dating is disgusting for them, whether it’s a man or a woman it doesn’t make a difference. I don’t need to be mindful of everything I say when I’m around them. When you are not straight, that’s not something that happens often.”

Over the next few years Gordon learns a lot about what it means to not be straight. So when he realizes Haley is gay his first reaction is fear, because he’s heard many stories from Joe and his friends of being chased and beaten, he even had to stand up for him when Donna found out. Immediately after the fear comes the gratitude, Joe has always been very good with the girls, they love him and he loves them, but lately, even before Comet, he and Haley have grown very close together, so he’s thankful she’ll have someone who understands. And Joe’s already so protective of her, so willing to fight for her and stand on her corner, even when she’s not aware he’s doing it, even if it means going against Gordon. 

That thought brings a sense of guilt that nearly chokes the engineer. He was so cruel to Joe when he was just trying to protect Haley, to tell Gordon that she’s gay without actually saying it because those are not Joe’s news to tell but Gordon was being a bit of a bastard and needed a wake up call. 

He feels like crying when he remembers the comment about how Joe will never be a good parent. Gordon has plenty of evidence, just from watching him interact with his girls, that Joe would be an amazing father, and he knows Joe would love to have children. But his choice of partners, particularly his inclination to date men, may mean he nevers gets to fulfill that specific dream, because being gay is still taboo enough that an homosexual couple adopting a child is pretty much an impossibility, especially if one of them has HIV. The fact that Joe agreed with him just makes things worse.

Gordon doesn’t lose time to apologize for what he said and thanks Joe for being there for Haley, for quietly supporting her even if she doesn’t know it yet. For protecting her even from her own father and for teaching Gordon so much about what it had meant for him growing up bisexual, because it has given him an understanding that will help him support his daughter. 

“Joe MacMillan, protector of gays. I’m so happy my daughter has you.”

The title was first said as a joke when Gordon first learnt of what Joe had done for Lev after he got attacked, and it reinforced itself when Joe confessed to threaten one if his investors during their early days in California when he made jokes about gays dying from AIDS. Right now, Gordon feels it's more true than ever, and he’s very happy about it.

Chapter Text

Haley

Joe has always been an on-off presence in Haley’s life, more on than off since moving to California. She knows that he wasn’t around the first couple of years of her life, but she doesn’t really remember much of those years, and he wasn’t there all the time either in Texas, so it feels as if he was there and she just doesn’t remember it. 

After the thing with Joe’s company and her dad, and that Ryan guy that she’s not supposed to know about, he starts to come around more often. He comes home when Mom is away to hang out with Dad, usually just to talk with him, but he always makes some time for her and Joanie, sneaking them some candy that they are definitely not allowed to have before dinner but eat anyway. While her parents are divorcing, Joe spends a lot of time with them two, babysitting them while their parents are with the lawyers and taking them out whenever they argue (which is quite often). 

Haley loves it. Joe is fun, he takes them for milkshakes and pretends to be outraged when they dip fries in the drink, even if he does it himself after some fake disgust. He plays with them, like the first day they met, more than willing to drop to his knees and roll around on the grass with them (something not many adults do) and building pillow fortresses and lying on the floor, only his head and shoulders actually inside the blankets, while he reads them stories. He helps them with homework, walking them through the parts they're stuck in in a way that allows them to reach the answer themselves and never getting angry no matter how many times he has to explain the same thing. He teaches Haley to swim because he’s so tall that no part of the swimming pool covers him higher than his stomach, and he teaches Joanie how to swing the bat that one summer she gets obsessed with softball. 

And he listens. He always listens to them, no matter how busy he is or how small and silly their problems are. He listens when their parents don't. He keeps their secrets, even when they are things he should tell their parents about. He knows things about them that no one else does, sometimes not even themselves. He helps them out of problems and encourages them to come clean with their parents when they mess up, more than once standing by them and defending them even if it means he will get some mean comment about how he’s not a parent and his opinion doesn’t matter (Haley swallows her reply that he acts more than a parent than Mom and Dad do, Joanie doesn’t have her restrain and in the fall out Mom bans Joe from the house for a month despite him not doing anything wrong). 

Joe is different from everyone she knows in a way that Haley can't define but that feels very familiar. 

Mom hates him. Like actually, truly, deeply hates him. She only tolerates him because he’s Dad’s friend, and sometimes not even that. Mom’s dislike for Joe has always been pretty clear but after he gets sick and spends a week in the hospital about a year after her and Dad divorce, she goes all out. She calls Dad irresponsible and Joe dangerous, saying that if Dad allows Joe around her and Joanie she will sue for full custody. It takes a lot of convincing, pleading, and Bos’ and Dianne’s intervention to calm her down. Haley doesn’t understand why Mom is so against Joe, why she gets so on edge and demands he stays away from them whenever he’s even slightly sick. 

Which is often.

Joe gets sick a lot. 

More than anyone Haley knows. 

Dad’s always worried when it happens, and when it gets bad enough to go to hospital or that he needs bed rest, Joe looks defeated. Joanie asks once if Joe is sick like Dad is, if he’s going to die. Mom tenses and changes the subject without answering, so she asks Dad, who seems sad and explains that Joe is sick in a different way and he may explain it himself when they're older but that they shouldn’t ask him about it. They don’t, even when they are older and think they will understand. For some reason, Joe’s mysterious illness feels more heavy and tragic than Dad’s, even Bos seems concerned about it, so they don’t dare to ask again. And he always makes up for the time that he’s sick and away, taking them places or playing with them until it’s late enough that Dad yells at the three of them to go to sleep, saying that Joe is as much of a child as they are. 

When Joanie gets old enough, she starts to talk about boys with Joe. Haley is not really interested, she thinks boys are gross, and though everyone tells her she’ll change her mind when she’s older she doesn’t think she will. Joe is the only one who doesn’t say stuff like that. He doesn’t say anything at all, just nods seriously at her evaluation of boys as if he agrees, which he does because he’s a man and men don’t think other men are pretty, even if he nods just as seriously when he discusses boys with Joanie. When he finds her crying because every girl in her year but Haley thinks David Peterson from her class is cute and she thinks something is wrong with her, instead of telling her to ignore them like her Dad does, or telling her that it’s a matter of time like Mom does, he just tells her that it’s okay. He says that she doesn’t need to find boys cute and insists that there is nothing wrong with her if she never does. Instead, he agrees with her that the girl from across the street is much prettier than David, using the same tone he uses when he agrees with Joanie that their neighbor’s son is handsome. 

Haley is still too young to notice the weird looks other adults give him when they overheard those conversations, or to understand why exactly those conversations about boys and girls feel different with Joe than with her parents. She’s too young to realize Joe is as genuine when he discusses girls with her as he is when he discusses boys with Joanie. She doesn’t think it’s weird how easily Joe can talk to both of them about those things while other people get all awkward about it. It’s just who he is, always taking them seriously and giving them his full attention, regardless of how silly the topic is or what he truly thinks about it. 

Haley is also too young to realize that the way Joe refers to his girlfriends is strange, never actually calling them “girlfriends” but always referring to them as partners. And unlike other people, he doesn’t normally talk about his dates, no matter how much they pester him about it, especially once they get older and Joanie starts getting interested in boys and dating. But when he does talk about them his wording is strange, avoiding pronouns and instead using their name or just “my partner”. Haley actually doesn’t notice until Joanie (who’s been studying the Japanese lessons Cameron sends and uses every opportunity to bring them up) makes a joke about how that’s how Japanese works, avoiding pronouns in favor of titles. They laugh, joke a bit more about it, and move on, forgetting the topic all together.  Neither of them give it any more thoughts and all the adults about them do a conscious effort to not bring it up again. 

They never meet any of Joe’s partners, not even Sam, who he dates for nearly a year and a half. 

Years go by and Joe becomes a regular occurrence in their life. Even when Cameron comes back from Japan and she and Joe start dating again he still makes time for her and Joanie (as much as she complains that she’s too old for it, Haley knows her sister secretly loves their time with Joe). 

Haley has always felt a special connection to Joe, a connection that has only strengthened since they started working on Comet, so she doesn’t even think about it when she takes him to the dinner where Vanessa works. She notices the way he looks at her, all soft and with something she can’t quite name, but she thinks he’s just excited about the videos he’s making. When she realizes that what she feels about Vanessa is more than just friendship, she also realizes that Joe knows. That look she didn’t understand was Joe coming to the realization she has just arrived, and Haley knows somehow that he was waiting for her to notice. 

Fuck. 

Joe knows she likes Vanessa. 

Deep down Haley knows Joe is okay with it. He didn’t look disgusted or upset, if anything he seemed amused. But girls are not supposed to like girls, and everyone has always told her that she will eventually find a boy she likes, so the bigger part of her is screaming that Joe will be disappointed. Luckily for her, she doesn’t have much time to overthink things because after a couple weeks of gentle prodding is Joe himself the one to bring up the topic and take her out of her misery. He doesn’t bother with dropping hints this time, obviously having noticed how expertly Haley has been dodging all the “she seems cool” comments he’s been making in an attempt to get her to talk. He just plainly asks whether she’s planning to ask Vanessa out, the very pointed look discouraging her from feigning ignorance. 

She’s scared to say it out loud. Because if she does, then it becomes real. And she is terrified of disappointing Joe, of losing him. But he’s looking at her with such tenderness, with so much love, and she’s been so worried and stressed, that she’s confessing before she can even think about it. Joe listens, like he always does, like he has always done. He listens without interrupting, and when Haley is done pouring all her secrets and fears, the first thing he does is hug her. 

“It’s okay, Haley. Everything is okay.”

She can’t stop the sob that escapes her chest. Nor can she stop the ones that follow. Joe just holds her closer. 

“Shh. I’m here. It’s okay. There is nothing wrong with you. It’s perfectly natural. You’re okay. I still love you, this is not a reason to stop loving you. You are okay.”

They stay like that for a long while. Haley crying into Joe’s arms while he whispers soft reassurances. Telling her over and over again that he loves her and that there is nothing wrong with her. He says it so much and with such conviction that by the time Haley tears stop, she actually believes it. 

They don’t talk about it after that, but Joe keeps talking to her about girls, much like they did before her confession, and he’s so natural about it, like nothing has changed, that Haley feels lighter knowing that at least one person accepts this side of her. Her relief, however, is short lived because just a few weeks later she realizes her Dad knows as well. She feels betrayed, of all the times Joe needed to keep a secret this is the most important one and he didn’t. It makes Haley angry enough to confront him. 

“You told my Dad.”

Joe seems confused for a second but doesn’t take long for him to catch on what she’s talking about. While he confesses to having talked with her father about her and having dropped hints (“because he needed to get his head out of his ass”, Joe’s words but she kind of agrees), he denies telling him about her and Vanessa. Haley is hesitant, but the hurt and fear in Joe’s face is strange and sincere enough to make her believe him. Why would he be hurt and afraid about outing her is beyond Haley, because it kind of makes sense that he would tell Dad something like this, even if Joe has never told their secrets before. Once her anger dies, fear comes back with a vengeance. Joe knowing was bad enough but her father? Joe tries to reassure her, like he did the first time, but Haley can’t calm down. After all, he is talking about someone else, how can he know what her father thinks about gays? Nevertheless, Joe is relentless. 

"Your father doesn't care that you are gay. He loves you and nothing will change that. Not that being gay is a reason for anything to change, but he truly doesn't care"

"You don't know that. You can't know that."

Haley is starting to become hysterical, so Joe decides to make a confession of his own.

"But I do know, because he's never cared about my boyfriends."

That cuts the brewing panic attack on the spot. Haley just stares at him, surprised into silence for a moment. 

"You are gay?"

"Not exactly, but I've dated men." 

“What do you mean not exactly?”

“What I mean is that I like men and women. I’ve dated women, and I’ve dated men. Your father has even met some of them. Remember Sam? He was a man, your father knew and still invited him along for the 4th of July weekend we went camping. So when I say that he doesn’t care about you being gay, I know what I’m talking about.”

For some reason, despite providing a perfect answer as to why Joe was so quick to figure out that Haley is gay and why he was so okay with it, this discovery feels so impossible that her brain can’t quite process it. He doesn’t say anything else, just letting her work things out on her own like when he was helping her with her math homework. Slowly, she starts putting the pieces together, Joe’s genuineness when talking about boys with Joanie, how he’s always been different from everyone else, his insistence to refer to the people he dates as “partners”. Unfortunately, her puzzle reminds her of her Mom’s reaction to Joe. 

“My Mom won’t be okay with it.”

“What makes you think that? Of course she will, she loves you.”

“But she’s not okay with you liking men. She freaked out when she found out. Because that’s what happened, right? She found out you like men. She called you dangerous.”

Joe looks so impossibly sad that for a second Haley is sure he will confess to his own parents not accepting him or something like that. The truth is almost worse. 

“She didn’t freak out because I like men. At least not directly. She freaked out about something that may happen among men that date men.”

Haley can tell that Joe doesn’t really want to say whatever he’s trying to say. He wants her to put the pieces together so it can remain unspoken. Much like when she first found out she’s gay. If you don’t say it out loud, it doesn’t need to be real. The overwhelming sense of dread building up in her is both providing the answer and preventing her from reaching it. Because this confession is too terrible to be true. 

“I have HIV, Haley. That’s why I get sick so often and why your Mom freaked out. It has nothing to do with being gay. She won’t care that you are gay.”

Haley doesn’t know what to say. There is really nothing she can say. So she launches again to hug Joe because she is scared for an entirely different reason and because both of them need this confort now. She holds tight, as if she can keep him healthy as long as she doesn’t let go. 

“Look at the bright side, compared to how both your parents found out I like men, they would be very relieved of how they find out about you. It cannot be worse.”

“I know about Mom, but how did Dad find out about you?”

“He barged into my apartment without barely knocking while I had a guy over. Nothing intimate was happening but there were definitely very little clothes involved at the time. I thought he was going to die from the embarrassment right in my living room! He learned his lesson, though.”

Haley bursts out laughing without meaning to, and Joe joins her right away. It’s really ridiculous and probably it was mortifying for everyone involved, but if her Dad can be okay with Joe’s boyfriends after such a first encounter, he probably will be okay with her being gay. And when she thinks about it, her Mom has never actually made any negative comments about Joe’s partners. They spent the rest of the afternoon talking about being not straight. Joe tells Haley about all the times her Dad, and even her Mom, have been hilariously awkward about his sexuality and about all the times he’s dragged his Dad to gay bars, providing her with a lot of fuel for teasing. He tells her about the boyfriends he’s had, about Sam and Erik and Simon. He also tells her some of the darker parts of his life, about being sick, losing people, being attacked. He makes her promise that she will be careful and that she will always call him if something is wrong or if she feels bad or unsafe, if she needs to talk to someone who understands. She makes him promise that he will take her to one of those gays bars when she’s older. 

Over the years they distance geographically but not emotionally. They talk, and write, and call constantly. Joe visits California every schoolbreak and they even manage to convince Mom to let Haley spend a month in New York with Joe for the summer vacation. About 6 months after leaving, Joe tells her about the man he’s started dating, an elementary school teacher he bumped into all the time while getting classroom supplies until he asked Joe out for coffee. It’s very low-key, nothing like the high end life everyone would expect from him, but Haley can tell by the smile on his voice that he’s happier than he’s been in a long while. He brings him over when he comes to San Francisco for Christmas and the casual way everyone reacts to him and his boyfriend is the ultimate confirmation she needs that no one would make a problem out of her being gay. Haley tells Joe about how her Mom finds out about her (“kind of like you and Dad, but all the clothes were still on!”) and he laughs so hard he drops the phone, leaving Mark to chat with her until Joe can breathe again. 

He’s the first person she introduces to her girlfriend and he asks her to be one of his groom's people at his wedding. His children refer to her as a cousin and he and Mark give her and her partner advice when they start considering adoption. 

Being gay is still scary sometimes, but with Joe around is much easier.