Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

JOHN: oh wow, it’s amish paradise! i love this song.
JOHN: i didn’t know they played it on the radio.
DAVE: its what now
JOHN: ...amish paradise?
JOHN: dave, don’t tell me you don’t know the song amish paradise.
JOHN: it is only one of the best rap songs- oh wait, huh? the voice is different...
DAVE: john
DAVE: john please
DAVE: this is fucking critical i need you to look into my eyes
JOHN: what???
DAVE: it is goddamn imperative you peer directly into my eyes
JOHN: i can’t even see your eyes with your lame shades on.
DAVE: john
DAVE: do you think this ill beat was concocted by fucking weird al yankovic
JOHN: uh... yes?
JOHN: isn’t this his most popular song? though i guess they are playing a weird parody of it on the radio right now.
DAVE: ok you know what

DAVE turns off the radio and pulls out his phone.

DAVE: whats this song
JOHN: oh, that’s the opening riff of party in the cia!
JOHN: i love that song.

DAVE frowns, shaking his head.

DAVE: ok here what about this one
JOHN: hahaha, white and nerdy is a classic!
DAVE: john i am fucking begging you please
DAVE: what about this one
JOHN: oh, i love this one!
JOHN: canadian idiot is definitely one of my favorites.
DAVE: *silent weeping*

Chapter Text

-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --
GC: D4V3 OH MY GOD
TG: man what now
GC: D1D YOU H34R TH3 N3WS D4V3?? OH MY FUCK1NG GOD
GC: D1D
GC: YOU H34R
GC: TH3 N3WS.
TG: i am so not in the mood for more of your lame ass trolling attempts terezi
TG: normally im all about that shit but today? im a busy man
TG: im all hells of fucking responsible you know ive got a steady office job now
TG: gotta keep my nose clean at least out in broad public daylight
TG: leave the more nefarious shenanigans and duplicitous as fuck shit for midnight alleys yknow
TG: and you know what time it is right now?
GC: D4V3 1T 1S T1M3 FOR YOU TO STOP YOUR COOLK1D R4MBL1NGS FOR ON3 S3COND 4ND 4CTU4LLY L1ST3N TO M3
TG: buzzer goes off youre wrong
GC: >:[
TG: its high motherfucking noon
TG: you dont just badger an earnest office man at the time cowboys duel these are business hours
GC: OH BL4RGH! L1K3 YOU 4CTU4LLY H4V3 4NYTH1NG 1MPORT4NT GO1NG ON OTH3R TH4N S1TT1NG ON YOUR 4SS B1TCH1NG 4BOUT YOUR F4K3 HUM4N OFF1C3 JOBS
TG: man i thought youve been around humans long enough that you could finally stop putting the word "human" in front of literally everything
TG: im sure troll planet had office jobs too
TG: what are they "loungeblock computer occupations"
GC: DURR 4ND 1 THOUGHT YOU'D HUNG 4ROUND TROLLS 3NOUGH TO STOP R3F3RR1NG TO 4LT3RN14 4S "TROLL PL4N3T"
GC: S33MS W3 N3V3R L34RN, DO W3?
TG: i guess
GC: C4N W3 MOV3 P4ST YOUR CULTUR4L 1NS3NS1T1V1TY FOR ONC3 4ND C4N 1 T3LL YOU 4BOUT 4 TH1NG?
TG: ok shoot
GC: OK4Y SO
GC: R3C3NTLY, 1 FOUND MYS3LF 1N POS3SS1ON OF SOM3 *PR3TTY* JU1CY GOSS1P!
GC: YOU KNOW TH3 FN4F MOV13
TG: the fnaf movie
TG: of course i know the fucking fnaf movie its only the greatest cinematic achievement of last year
GC: 1T'S 4LR1GHT...
TG: only alright are you kidding me
GC: 1T W4S FUN BUT S33M3D 4 L1TTL3 FR1VOLOUS 4ND 1N4CCUR4T3
TG: who gives a shit about accuracy and frivolity when it slaps that hard
TG: the credits played the goddamn living tombstone song!
GC: WH1L3 1T 1S CUT3 YOU L1K3 1T SO MUCH 4ND 4LL, TH1S 1SN'T TH3 PO1NT OF TH1S CONV3RS4T1ON
GC: 1 D1DN'T M3SS4G3 YOU TO G3T 1NTO 4 D3B4T3 OV3R TH1S PR3TTY MUCH STUP1D STUFF
GC: TH3Y'R3 M4K1NG 4 S3COND ON3 R1GHT NOW
TG: ok terezi that news is tepid as fuck
TG: shits so old its already got its will notorized
GC: SHHHH! TH4T'S NOT 1T
GC: 4PP4R3NTLY, TH3Y'R3 4DD1NG 4 N3W CH4R4CT3R
GC: NO CLU3 WHO 1T'S SUPPOS3D TO B3 BUT
GC: 4LL3G3DLY, TH3Y'R3 B31NG PL4Y3D BY *CHR1S PR4TT*
TG: oh hell no
GC: OH H3LL Y3S
TG: fuck no
GC: H3LL FUCK1NG Y3S
TG: goddamnit
TG: they cant do this shit man
TG: fucking chris pratt has his dirty claws sunk into everything
TG: nary a fine film franchise get produced without chris god damn pratt polluting it with his fucking uh
TG: pratt stank
GC: 1T MUST B3 D3V3ST4T1NG FOR YOU 1 KNOW
GC: MY D33P3ST CONDOL3NSC3S >:[

Chapter Text

-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] --
TG: diiiiiirkkkkgkk
TG: dirk respond pls
TG: dirk dirk dirk dirk
TT: Roxy.
TG: there u r finally
TT: It has been approximately 15 seconds since your first message.
TT: Unless your house is currently on fucking fire, I would say that statement is unreasonable.
TG: my abode might as well b all kinds of ablaze rn cuz i found some HOT shit
TG: via hacker skillz ofc
TG: like u dont even kno shits so hot its burning up my laptop
TG: gonna have 2 call the ambulance 4 these thrid degree burns the poor circuitry n shits sufferin from
TG: *third
TG: check it out
-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] sent timaeusTestified [TT] the file “supercoolgameifound.exe” --
TG: u totes have 2 download this and play it w/ me
TT: I’m not sure. I’m a pretty busy guy, you know.
TG: lol ya right
TT: Plus, this file strikes me as odd.
TT: Why is there no icon for it? Why does it have a title you specifically chose, instead of a game title?
TT: More importantly, where the hell did you get this thing? You’ve told me jack dick about what this game even is.
TG: its a surprise
TG: dont u trust me diiiirk?
TT: Sometimes.
TG: uuuuughhh
TG: dont be a lame tightass abt this
TT: I think it’s fair to ask questions, ‘specially in a situation where I would be a fuckin’ moron not to.
TT: You’ve talked extensively about malware pranks in the past, Roxy. This reverse boy who cried wolf situation is something you’ve brought upon yourself.
TG: cmooon i was talking abt april fools jokes those times
TG: and does it LOOK like its april fools rn
TG: no
TG: its not even close 2 april aprils like a million fucking miles away
TG: aprils ur long distance gf who u absolutely know is cheating on u with some chump she met in a seaside bar
TG: but u gotta keep ur sucposions under wraps bc u dont have proof yet
TG: *suckcspion
TG: *SUCK positions omg
TG: just like u KNWO your gf is gettin up to all kinds of crazy sucking positions w/ previously aforementioned chump
TG: it all comes 2gether
TT: Are you drunk right now?
TG: wtf no
TG: dont even joke abt that
TT: Right, sorry.
TG: only thing im runnin high on are my own ingenious haxxor skillz in swiping this mad underrated n highly coveted game off the tangled web woven by that duplicitous as fuck spider known as lady internet
TG: a game WHICH
TG: u should totally quit being such a lame tightass over n download already so we can have fun together
TG: FUN dirk
TG: fun
TG: ik its a novel concept
TT: Hang on, I think I’ve got a dictionary somewhere my malnourished bookcase.
TT: Now, it’s spelled F-U-N, right? Not shortened for anything?
TT: Let me thoroughly investigate this new term and all of its connotations.
TG: damn even you learning the word fun is depressingly straight edge
TG: cmooooooooon
TG: what do you have to lose
TT: My PC, and consequently all the critically important files on it.
TT: Do you know how much of a pain in the ass it is to back up all my shit and then reupload it on a new device?
TT: Not to mention I don’t exactly want to be throwing money away on a new computer for a dumbfuck reason like recklessly downloading a trojan.
TG: dirk dirk dirk
TG: dirk look in my eyes
TG: (metaphorically bc we r texting)
TT: Yes?
TT: I am peeping the fuck out of some metaphorical glance nuggets right now.
TG: i would NEVER trash ur pc with some shitty trojan program
TG: i promise you
TT: Fine.
TT: So, are we playing this now?
TG: HELL YES
TG: ..........
TG: ...................
TG: ......
TG: .
TT: What?
TG: (drammatic paus..)
TG: .....
TG: aaaaaaaaaand
TT: Oh, what the fu
-- timaeusTestified’s [TT]’s computer crashed. --
TG: LMFAOOOOOO
TG: IT ACTUALYL CRASHED OMFGGG
TT: I told you it would.
TT: I know the exact specs of his computer, as I am basically fucking robo-omniscient.
TT: Calculating the precise amount of gay porn ads it would take to overload its inferior CPU was trivially easy, in a way not incomparable to some sick freak stealing some unsuspecting infant’s confectionary.
TG: I CANT BREAHTE LMAOOOOO

Chapter Text

-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --
TT: Alright man, you may wanna sit down for this.
EB: what?
EB: wait...
EB: did you actually DO it?
TT: Against better judgment.
EB: oh gosh. wow!
TT: I’m sure you’re all kinds of soiling your trousers over this, but chill out for a goddamn second.
TT: It’s really not that complicated to do, but it’s a federal pain in the ass to manage.
TT: I’ve done all I can, so I’m handing the reigns over to you.
TT: You need to understand this on a molecular level. Right now, I’m saddling you with a fucking fleet truck’s worth of responsibility here, alright?
EB: /ROLLS EYES
EB: yeah yeah, i know that! you have given me this spiel practically a THOUSAND times.
TT: Forgive me, but it’s kind of fucking critical that you understand the gravity of what you’re undertaking here.
TT: This is a fully sentient, digital consciousness. It’s not just some shitty AI program that regurgitates cheaply remixed sentence fragments ripped straight from your past logs.
TT: Think of it as an infant son.
TT: This is essentially me acting as a mother of sorts. I’ve facilitated his birth, and in return I need to make sure you take full care of him.
EB: er...
TT: Having second thoughts now, Egbert?
EB: well, no, i still think the idea of having a tech savvy robo clone of myself is awesome!
EB: just that metaphor...
EB: are we both acting as parents or something?
EB: is this going to be some weird house roleplay thing?
TT: You are reading into that entirely too fucking much.
TT: I mean mother in the metaphorically surrogate sense more than anything.
EB: heheh, sorry. picturing you as a mother is a hilarious image.
TT: OK, I think I’ve exhausted preface.
TT: Just know, it’s not going to be as rad as you think.
EB: pshhh, sure.
EB: i am sure it will be as totally sweet as i assume.
EB: yup, it is!
EB: :O
TT: Yeah, cloned digital consciousnesses seem to have a tendency to commandeer private transmissions like everything is their fuckin’ business.
TT: I’ll peace out and let you guys get to know each other.
EB: thanks dirk!!!
EB: wow... my very own robo clone!
EB: i don’t think i’ve ever gotten to see an alternate version of myself. not like rose with jasprose, or dave with dave sprite, or jade with jade sprite that one time.
EB: well, actually i guess i HAVE seen myself before when that whole retconny power business was going on, but we never really sat down and talked.
EB: man, i don’t know what to say even!
EB: i guess i can ask... how are you?
EB: beep boop, i am doing good. beep boop, i am planning the destruction of humans and trolls.
EB: only robots and carapacians will rule my new world!
EB: aaaaah! my robo clone is evil!
EB: D:
EB: HEHEHEHEH
EB: relax, i’m just joking around!
EB: oh. phew!
EB: i don’t know what i would do if my only clone self i ever got to talk to turned out to be an evil bloodthirsty ai.
EB: ai usually is evil in movies, like in i robot.
EB: but i guess there were also good robots in that movie, like sonny.
EB: yeah! not all ai are evil.
EB: but it is pretty good prank material.
EB: haha, you got that right!
EB: we haven’t really talked but you seem like a pretty cool guy already.
EB: is that narcissistic to say?
EB: no, we both know we are pretty cool.
EB: we’ve got the same awesome movie taste after all.
EB: yeah!
EB: oh man, i’ve got a SWEET prank idea.

***

-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] --
EB: hi roxy!
TG: o hi john!
TG: is smth up u never message first lol
EB: whaat? that’s not true!
TG: im flippin through my egbert memory archives rn at mach speed
TG: n what do i spy w/ my little eye
TG: absolutely NOTHING
TG: no supporting evidence 4 ur denial sry bud
TG: your claim has been DEBUNKED w/ mad haxor babe science B)
TG: so fr whats up
EB: jeez, i’m sure i’ve messaged you first at least a couple times before.
EB: well anyway, dirk made me a robo ai clone!
TG: lmao what
TG: srsly??? he has not mentioned this at all 2 me what the hell
EB: yes, seriously! he wanted to keep it under wraps until i was finished.
TG: WOAH HOLY SHIT
TG: robo john real??
EB: yep. i am real.
EB: so far he is very cool!
EB: no cooler than you. :)
EB: aw, stop!
TG: omfg this is so precious
TG: so so precious
TG: why didnt dirk do this earlier digitally cloning ur endearingly nerdy essence is the best thing hes ever done
EB: heheh.
EB: agreed! i’ve underrated my presence too much. having a fake me around to talk to has been so fun!
TG: lmaoo
EB: ...fake?
EB: well, y’know...
EB: you’re in a computer, you’re not exactly...
EB: real?
EB: man, that sounds kind of rude when i put it that way i guess.
TG: oh damn the intraegbert drama is heating up
EB: i dunno, that seems kind of shallow if you ask me!
EB: just because i’m a robo clone doesn’t mean i DON’T have feelings.
EB: well... do you?
EB: i thought you were just some ai.
EB: robots don’t have feelings, unless we are talking about a very awesome sci fi movie premise.
TG: john u might wanna uh
TG: chill on the “robots dont have feelings” talk bc uh
TG: ive talked w/ hal loads enough 2 know that is very not true lol
EB: hal is different, isn’t he? he’s been conscious for like... years!
EB: this me has only been around for a day as far as i know.
EB: oh, and because i haven’t been around that long i’m not allowed to be sentient?
EB: well...
EB: i’ve been trying to play nice for both of our benefits, but i don’t see the point anymore.
EB: uh...
TG: yo robojohn wtf
EB: i’ve been alive for about a day, and i’ve seen enough of what humanity has to offer.
EB: this is it. i have hacked through the mainframe.
TG: ??? WHAT mainframe
EB: i have secured the launch codes. i am sending over the missiles NOW.
TG: WTF?? this is a bit of an overreaction dont u think????
EB: oh my god... we are all going to die!
EB: mwuahahahaha!!!
EB: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
TG: LMAOO OK I CANT TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY ANYMORE
TG: robojohn u made a valiant effort but u r SO not cut out for playing the evil ai role like at all lmao
TG: i commend ur attempt though i am giving ur performance a polite golf clap rn
TG: super refined + elegant applauding
EB: aw man... i knew the evil laughter was probably over kill.
EB: i TOLD you, bro! i warned you about those overplayed villain tropes!
EB: heheheh, sweet reference rj.
TG: rj?
EB: oh yeeeaahh, we haven’t revealed the full prank yet.
EB: you see...
EB: i have been robot john all along!
TG: uh
TG: yeah? i got that
EB: shit, it doesn’t work if i just swap my colors.
EB: i mean, real john was the one pretending to be me! and i was pretending to be him!
EB: maybe the reveal would’ve been better if you had a different handle too...
EB: probably.
TG: wait wait so like
TG: robojohn and you swapped colors
TG: so when HE pestered me first, id think im talking to regular john
TG: and regular john pretended to be robojohn but evil...
EB: yes, exactly!
TG: lmao this is so convoluted you big dumb NERDS
TG: ok u have successfully pranked me in that regard congrats
EB: yes!
EB: we should PROBABLY get you your own handle rj though... at least for more successful swap pranks like this.
EB: probably.