Chapter Text
“Jesper?”
Jesper blinked, and Jordie was gone. A few feet away, shaded by the shadows and gloom of the setting soon, stood Wylan, looking up at him, perplexed. He was still standing on the darkened porch of the Slat, staring off at what was apparently nothing.
“Ghezen, you look shaken. Are you alright? Where’s Kaz and Inej?” The redhead asked, glancing around.
“They’re, erm—” Jesper waved vaguely in the air in the general direction of where the car had driven. “They already—”
“They left?” Wylan finished, and Jesper nodded, still staring in the direction that they’d gone.
“Yes.”
Wylan huffed a breath, turning to stare off in the same direction as Jesper. “So, it’s just me and you. For now,” he shrugged, turning back. They knew Kaz and Inej would come back. They had to come back. Ketterdam didn’t seem like the same place without Kaz in it, and they both knew Kaz would drive himself crazy without some excitement.
“Yes,” Jesper answered again, and Wylan stepped onto the porch, placing a hand on Jesper’s arm. He seemed to be able to tell that Jesper was not even in the realm of okay.
“Should we go home?” Wylan asked, and Jesper nodded, taking the other man’s hand. It was a long, quiet walk on the way home, and when they walked inside, the entryway was darkened. Jesper walked in through the dark and into the sitting room, flopping down on a chair and placing his head in his hands.
Jordie.
He had just seen Jordie. He had just said goodbye to Kaz for Saint’s knew how long. And he’d visibly and audibly hallucinated. Was he going crazy? Did he need help too? All this time he’d been so obsessed with Kaz getting better that he’d neglected himself. He’d delved back into old, destructive habits.
“Jes?” Wylan murmured, bringing him out of his loud thoughts.
“Sorry,” Jesper responded, rubbing his hand over his face. “I’m sorry about everything, Wy—”
Wylan walked forward and flicked on the lamp beside Jesper, sitting on the arm of his chair. “We need some light—” he began, and laughed. “First of all, we need some light. You can’t sit here in the dark, all alone. It’s a sorry sight.” He reached his hand out, moving gently through Jesper’s hair, and Jesper leaned his head into the touch, closing his eyes.
“It’s just you and me now,” Wylan reminded, pressing a kiss to the top of Jesper’s head. “But we’ll live, you’ll see.”
Night after night, we’d sit and wait for the morning light.
Weeks passed. Despite temptations and needing to help out over in the Barrel every now and then, Jesper hadn’t set foot inside a gambling den since Kaz had left. He and Wylan went out to parties and danced together, but Jesper limited his drinking and Wylan would lead him out after to walk along the University district, sharing stories and giggling into the night.
But we’ve waited far too long for all that’s wrong to be made right
Kaz hadn’t texted, but Inej kept them updated with the goings on in Lij. From what Jesper heard from the Dregs, their leader was still very much in tune with what was happening with his clubs and his gang. He checked in almost daily, despite Inej’s insistence that he focus on other things.
__
Day after day, wishing all our cares away
It had been hard, of course, to go back to his childhood home. It had sat empty for many years after Kaz’s Da had passed, and he’d only been paying a caretaker to tend it since he’d acquired the property. It was almost exactly the way the two boys had left it. They’d only been allowed to pack small bags, and so all of Jordie’s books, drawings, and posters still were stuck on the wall beside his bed.
Trying to fight the things we feel.
But Inej had been beside him, and he’d forced himself to face the memories. The photographs. The big smiles on the faces of two children who were long dead, but still somehow present. Inej hadn’t asked anything of him. She allowed him to tell her when he was ready, to spout memories as they came.
“This was where we used to pelt Da with apples when he’d pass under us.”
“Oh, that’s Hopje. Careful, she bites. I didn’t even know horses lived that long…”
“Oh, that’s Ma’s recipe book. Jordie used to open it up on holidays and we’d make a mess of the kitchen together. Da would be so mad but he’d always eat what we made.”
But some hurts never heal.
He held her hand more often. And, a week in, he kissed her again. He immediately went into a panic that lasted nearly the entire rest of the day but it was progress. Occasionally, he’d catch glimpses of Jordie, but his brother tended to leave him alone here.
Some ghosts are never gone.
He went through his father’s finances, his papers. Everything that had been left to him and his brother, everything that Pekka hadn’t taken from him in their sham adoption. He and Inej fixed up the barn and finished up the garden so it was looking beautiful again. They painted the front porch and rode horses together in the evening. He’d spent so much time in the sun, he’d developed freckles.
But we go on. We still go on.
The pain was still there. He fought it, as he always had, but it was easier to go there now. To talk about it. To remember.
And you find some way to survive.
And Inej was with him. He wasn’t alone, not anymore. And despite the moments of sadness, of grief, that sometimes felt as if they’d swallow him up, he found other moments of happiness with her.
And you find out you don’t have to be happy at all to be happy you’re alive.
___
“So, have you heard from them at all this week?”
Jesper looked up from the coin he’d been attempting to manipulate. He’d turned it from its usual, circular shape to something that looked like a melted puddle pretending to be a coin. The trick was to get it right again. “Oh, yeah. They said they’re going to Zierfoort this weekend for some international market.”
“And…” Wylan shifted his weight and tilted his head sideways.
“And,” Jesper continued, pretending to study the puddle of coin in his palm, “he seems in good spirits. Inej, too.”
“So— that’s good, right?” Wylan offered. He’d been awfully positive about his whole thing, even though Jesper had his doubts that this would actually be the solution to everything.
“Well, going home has never been a solution to any of
my
problems,” he answered, and Wylan walked forward, holding out his palm. Jesper let the melted coin slide into Wylan’s hand and Wylan’s eyes widened at the consistency.
“I thought it’d be hot,” he murmured, and Jesper shrugged. “Now, you have to make it usable again.”
“What, saving
kruge
, are you? Not about to waste a single coin?” Jesper joked, and Wylan poured the puddle onto the table before wrapping his arms around Jesper.
“Nah. Anyway,” he pressed a kiss to the tip of Jesper’s nose and placed the coin on the piano bench they’d been sitting on. “You don’t need a solution to your problems. That’s what you have me for.”
Jesper laughed, letting his hands rest comfortably on his boyfriend’s waist. “Seriously? You’re like number three on my list of issues.”
“You keep a list?”
Jesper lifted one hand, pretending like he was ticking things off. “Sure, I do. My Da, gambling,
you,
Kaz—” Wylan began to laugh, and Jesper nearly kept going just to hear that beautiful sound once more. “But don’t worry, Merchling. You’re my favorite problem.”
“That’s all I ask,” Wylan replied, and Jesper pulled him close.
Day after day.
“You know,” he began, leaning in to press a little kiss to Wylan’s shoulder. “I think you ought to try for Belendt again.”
Give me clouds and rain and grey.
“Jes—”
“No, I’m serious. They’ll understand it was a fluke. It’s clear you have talent, and this time, we’ll
all
be there. There were extenuating circumstances, weren’t there? Your mother, Kaz going batshit—”
“Jes!”
“You know what I mean.” Wylan sent Jesper a look and he was forced to back down, only slightly. “I’m serious, Wy. This is something you’ve dreamed of since you were a kid. You ought to go for it.”
Give me pain, if that’s what’s real.
“And you? What if I get in?” Jesper could see the worry. The overthinking already beginning in Wylan’s overactive, super imaginative mind. What then? What would happen if Wylan moved to Belendt? What would become of Jesper? Of this?
Jesper shrugged. “Well, you’ll need an assistant, won’t you? To… I don’t know. Carry your flute around for you?” He sobered a bit, pressing his lips together. “I’ve, erm, been researching some Fabrikators in Belendt. Seeing if they offer any workshops at the University there. We could be students together.”
“A proper University romance?” Wylan asked, his worry fading into a soft smile.
“
Exactly.”
It’s the price we pay to feel.
Wylan worried with the fabric on Jesper’s collar absently, lost in thought for a few moments. “I’ll think about it. I’m not sure I would survive another ghastly audition.” His cheeks burned red and Jesper pulled him close.
“It wasn’t that ghastly…”
“I improvised when I should have been playing one of the classics.”
“You were unique! A standout—” Jesper stood up, throwing his arms in the air.
Wylan stood up with him and pulled at his own hair. “I said fuck in front of a panel of judges, Jesper!”
Jesper laughed aloud. “Memorable!”
Wylan rested his forehead against Jesper’s shoulder and sighed. “I’m not sure that’s what I want them to remember,”
The price of love is loss.
Jesper hummed in understanding, rubbing Wylan’s back. “Then the next go around, you’ll knock their socks off. They won’t even remember you, because this next audition will be
yours.
No worry about your mother, or Kaz, or me, or anyone. It’ll be yours. Just you, and your flute, and your music.”
But still we pay. We love anyway.
Wylan leaned back just enough to lean up on his tiptoes and press his lips to Jesper’s. The taller man responded in kind, leaning Wylan back against the piano, which erupted into a strange array of notes as Wylan’s bottom backed against it.
“Oops—”
Jesper laughed, and moved to close the lid of the piano, blocking the keys from being paid. “If I told you that wasn’t the first time—”
“If this is about Kuwei, Jesper—”
Their laughter echoed through the house, cut off only by another kiss.
___
Jesper: 2:45pm
Come on, Zenik, at least tell me if he’s still being treated. I just want to know he’s okay.
Nina: 2:45pm
Can’t tell you anything, other than he’s working on it. And he’s aware of the risks.
Jesper: 2:50pm
Do you think he’ll come home? Soon?
Nina: 2:51pm
If I didn’t know any better, Jes, I’d say you actually missed him.
Jesper: 2:51pm
Do not.
Nina: 2:52pm
Do too.
Jesper: 2:53pm
Feel like answering my question? Has Inej said anything?
Nina: 2:54pm
I think it’s hard to know. I think he will, though, personally. Can’t keep Kaz away from Ketterdam, can you? Why don’t you talk to Inej yourself?
Jesper: 2:55pm
I guess I just don’t want to intrude. Not when I think they finally might be happy.
Nina: 2:55pm
You won’t intrude on their happiness, Jes.
Have you been talking to that Fabrikator? The one from Belendt?
Jesper: 3:10pm
Yeah. He says there’s a few spots open in the fall. That he’d be ‘happy to have me’.
Seems strange. But I think I’ll do it if Wylan gets in too.
___
And when the night is finally gone,
Kaz and Inej were walking down the quay at Fifth Harbor. For once, the Ketterdam sky was cloudless, and the sky was painted a brilliant orange and pink by the dying sun. He’d forgone the gloves, and his pale hand stood out against her bronze skin where their hands were clasped.
Lij had done them both good. Inej was sun-kissed, her hair worn long for once, whipping around her face thanks to a light breeze. Kaz, too, had foregone some of his pallor in favor of a dusting of freckles on his nose, and his usually tense manner was one of ease, a contented look on his face.
It was almost a smile.
And when we see the new day dawn.
Summer had come, and with it came new scores to settle, new pigeons to swindle, and a new life to live together.
The man walked a little ways behind them, hands shoved into his pockets, humming a happy tune as he observed the waves lapping against the side of the quay. Jordie had been with them this whole time, of course, but hadn’t shown himself. He hadn’t needed to.
We’ll wonder how we wandered for so long, so blind.
Kaz hadn’t had a panic attack in two months. Kaz hadn’t had a nightmare in two and a half weeks. His little brother had actually been eating well for the first time in his life. Jordie had watched as he and Inej went on horseback rides, tended the back garden, drove the horsecart into town and had ice cream together, and genuinely fell in love.
It was the first time since their childhood that he had ever seen his brother look truly happy.
The wasted world we thought we knew,
He did not resent Inej. He never had. But now she knew him. She’d seen his childhood bedroom, the pictures on the walls, the place where their parents were both buried in the garden.
She made his brother happy, and therefore, he approved. But more than that, she made his brother a better man. Kaz had lived solely for vengeance for so long that he had lost his sense of purpose. Jordie could see him fraying at the edges, and it was all he could do to keep trying to glue things back together again.
The light will make it look brand new.
Being with Inej had changed Kaz for the better. For the first time, his brother cared about someone other than himself or Jordie. For the first time, Kaz made choices to help people, instead of to harm.
For the first time, he saw his brother living a life. And he understood now.
He understood that he wasn’t needed anymore.
So let it shine.
Shine.
Shine.
____
Day after day, we’ll find the will to find our way.
A week into their return to Ketterdam, Kaz said goodbye to his brother.
It wasn’t a sad affair. There were no tears shed. No card games. He’d taken all of Jordie’s things back to Lij with him except for one item.
He held the little box under one arm as he walked, the other using his cane. The wood was smooth against his gloveless hands, and as Kaz walked, he couldn’t help but try to hear that little tune once more.
Knowing that the darkest skies will someday see the sun.
He walked all the way down one of the docks and sat down, letting his legs dangle as he had the night Jordie had returned to his memory. He set the box beside him, and felt someone sit on its other side.
“I like her, you know.”
“If you didn’t, I’d still be with her.”
Jordie smiled, and placed his hands behind him, lifting his head to the warm sun and closing his eyes. “Good.”
They were silent for a few moments, before Kaz reached out to take the little box in hand. “You know, I can’t be sure this is the right dock.” He opened the box and twisted the handle, letting the music play. “But does it really matter?”
Jordie hummed and shrugged. “I don’t think so.”
“I nearly brought it to The Nest, but the water seemed… right. You’re out there, somewhere.”
Jordie chuckled and shook his head. “Nah. I’m fish food.” Kaz laughed dryly, and Jordie leaned their shoulders together. “I’m not out there, Kaz. You know right where I am.”
“I know.”
When our long night is done.
“There better be another pie this year.”
“And every year after. Jesper uninvited you to the party, though.”
Jordie feigned hurt, clutching at his chest. “And I, his oldest friend—?”
“Hate to tell you, mate, you’ve never met.” Kaz’s voice was deadpan, but it felt nice to joke around like this. The pressure was lessened by it. The ache in his chest filled temporarily.
“That’s not true,” Jordie shrugged, but didn’t elaborate. Kaz didn’t even catch what he said. He was too busy watching the figurine in the box, turning slower and slower, until the song finally faded away.
There will be light.
“Best not put it off now, huh?” Jordie asked, and Kaz nodded slowly, swallowing hard.
“I should have done this a long time ago.”
Kaz felt his brother’s shoulder leaning against his again. “You weren’t ready then. You are, now. But Kaz, I come when you call. When you need me, I’ll be there.”
“I’ll leave a table open for you in the Club.”
“And a chair at your wedding.”
“Nah,” Kaz answered, before grinning at his brother. “The spot beside me, of course. Where else would you be?”
Jordie reached out and playfully swatted Kaz’s cheek twice. “Go on.”
There will be light.
Kaz took the box in both hands and closed the lid with a firm snap. Then, he got up, grunting as he stood. He squared his shoulders, then extended his arms over the water, before finally letting go.
___
When we open up our lives.
“Well?”
“Open it, please!”
“Wylan, you can’t keep us waiting like this, it’s cruel and unusual—”
“Nina!”
“What, it is!”
Sons and daughters, husbands, wives.
Wylan held the envelope out, extended to show everyone what was written on the front. “Fine. But you have to tell me what it says right away. No suspense, please, I can’t take it!”
“It says, ‘To Mr. Wylan Van Eck, 253 Geldstraat—” Kaz began in a monotonous voice, before Inej slapped him on the leg. He was lounging on the sofa opposite Nina and Matthias, with Inej sitting between his knees on the ground, his hands absently braiding a few strands of her hair.
“Kaz!” Jesper complained, before gesturing for Wylan to continue.
The Merchling slowly opened the envelope, letting the outer paper drop and turning the letter around for them to see. All of them leaned forward, straining their eyes to see what it said. Everyone reacted at once.
And fight that fight.
Nina screamed. Matthias clapped his hands together. Kaz grinned widely and Jesper and Inej both shouted out at the same time.
“You made it!”
“You’re in!”
The letter dropped from Wylan’s hands in surprise and he brought his hands to his mouth. Kaz grinned, and reached out to pick it up, scanning over the letter. “Dear Mr. Van Eck, we are pleased to offer you a spot for the Fall semester at Belendt University’s Esteemed School of Music, studying music theory and composition.”
“I made it.” Wylan whispered, his voice muffled by his hands.
“You made it.” Kaz confirmed, and Jesper stood up, lifting Wylan in the air and spinning him around, before placing him down so he could jump with excitement.
“We’re going to Belendt!!”
There will be light.
Inej reached up and let her hand slide into Kaz’s, letting his fingers seek the pulse in her wrist. It was a way of checking on one another. Making sure that the departure of two of their best friends wasn’t going to set them back.
There will be light.
“Well, it looks like we’re going to get to visit the oldest city in Kerch, Inej,” Kaz mused, as Jesper turned to him in surprise.
“You? Leave Ketterdam?”
“To visit.”
“Visit… us?”
Kaz laughed. “Well, I’m not about to let two of my biggest assets just up and move away, am I? I’ll still require you for jobs.” He crossed his arms over his chest, as the room began to break into more celebrations.
He looked down at his girlfriend, and squeezed her hand, letting her know it’d be alright. He’d be alright.
There will be light.