Chapter Text
In the wildest his imagination, Han Yoohyun just wanted to believe that it was all just a nightmare.
A nightmare that would disappear when he woke up.
“I’m sorry… but, Han Yoojin-ssi suffers from identity dissociation.” The doctor responsible for his brother’s treatment said, not daring to look at him. “He believes that himself and Haeyeon Guildleader-nim’s brother is different person.”
Han Yoohyun was at a loss for a word; unable to shout the anger that he usually directed at his subordinates when they failed at their jobs.
In front his eyes, Han Yoohyun saw everything; all record medical check-up records of his brother.
It was miracle that his brother still alive with his condition. He had severe injuries and some infections, especially in his reproductive organs. His body, suffering from long-term malnutrition, and his blood containing high dose drugs and alcohols, made his injury and infection worsen.
The previous injury in his leg that Han Yoohyun had refused to heal even Han Yoojin had knelt down in front of him, bore scars from cuts and injection of various unknown drugs. It was as if his brother had tried to heal himself until he resorted to cutting his own leg in frustrations and despair.
Yeah,
His brother had struggled to Han Yoohyun until he drowned in despair because Han Yoohyun’s foolishness. His brother who suffered alone and thought that the death was the best for him, finally fell apart completely.
His brother’s body was destroyed. His brother’s mind was broken.
He couldn’t stand as Haeyeon Guild leader-nim’s brother anymore. He didn’t want to accept that he was Haeyeon Guildleader-nim’s brother—like Han Yoohyun always wanted in the first place. He only believed that Haeyeon Guildleader-nim’s brother was died, like a trash that had been discarded by everyone.
“I know what you want, however, would you like to hide your identity as Han Yoojin-ssi’s brother?”
Han Yoohyun couldn’t answer. Han Yoohyun didn’t want to hide his identity as Han Yoojin’s little brother. He wanted to be Han Yoojin’s little brother again. How could Han Yoohyun ask for forgiveness and love his brother like his brother loved him before if he hid his identity.
“Forgive me, but it’s for Han Yoojin-ssi’s sake.” As if the doctor knew what Han Yoohyun was thinking, he continued, “He will hurt himself if he remembers that he is your brother. His suicidal tendencies have worsened, and we can’t handle any more of this.”
Han Yoohyun couldn’t deny it. He had seen seen everything. He still remembered his brother trying to strangle himself just because he accidentally call him Hyung.
“It’s just my assumption, but…” The doctor turned his face away, unable to face Han Yoohyun, and had to say this harsh truth for their sake. “… maybe, forgetting you as his little brother is the only way to protect him from hurting himself for now.”
“So, I can’t become Hyung’s little brother again?”
The doctor couldn’t answer. But Han Yoohyun’s question was anwerable.
He didn’t have any chance again.
Honestly, even Han Yoohyun always wanted to be with his brother together, he have no courage to meet his brother in his room.
Han Yoohyun was scared that he would hurt his brother because of his selfishness again. His brother was tried to run away and hide himself if someone recognized him as Haeyeon Guildleader-nim’s brother. And Han Yoohyun couldn’t stand it again when he saw his brother try to hit his own head to make forget everything.
He couldn’t bear anymore if he lost his brother again.
Because of that, Han Yoohyun only saw his brother when he was asleep
It was in the middle of a summer day. The sun was shining brightly. The sky was blue without any clouds. The flowers that his brother used to shows to Han Yoohyun in the garden when they were child, were blooming at Haeyeon Hospital’s garden.
Slowy, with soundless steps, Han Yoohyun reached his brother in his bedroom. He sat next to his brother’s bed. In contrast to the warmth outside that was full for joyful, it was cold in his brother’s room, as if there was no one alive beside his brother, who slept in his bed.
Some sedative drug was given to make his brother fell asleep. This time, they intentionally made his brother sleep more longer with sedative to administer antibiotic through an IV for his infections. Some potions and mana stone with healing effect were applied to him and needed time to heal his body.
It would be dangerous for him if he woke up and tried to unplug IV and mana stone.
“Hyung… “ It was only time, Han Yoohyun had a courage to call his brother like he always wanted to for long time. “…I’m here.”
And his brother didn’t answer.
He just slept beside him, while Han Yoohyun could only hear the beeping from EKG, as if ensuring Han Yoohyun that his brother was still there.
Han Yoohyun reached his brother’s hand. It was cold, colder than a snow on his last birthday. Even though his own hand was warm, his brother’s hand remained cold. If Han Yoohyun hadn’t heared his brother’s heatbeat through his EKG, he might have thought that his brother was dead.
How could Han Yoohyun let his brother cold when Han Yoohyun was born with flames.
“Hyung….”
Han Yoohyun tried to channel his mana, imbued with fire element, into his brother. He gave everything he had without tried to harm his brother. But no matter how much Han Yoohyun tried to give, his brother’s hand remained cold.
It was as if his brother was rejecting all his mana.
“Hyung….” Han Yoohyun turned his head to look his brother sleeping. “…please…”
Please, accept my mana. Please, accept my warmth.
But, his brother remained silent. He remained asleep as if he didn’t want to wake up again.
Yeah,
Why would his brother want to accept his mana.
His brother chose to kill himself instead of being his brother again. With this, there was no chance for Han Yoohyun to make his brother accept his mana.
And if Han Yoohyun still forced him, he would hurt his brother again.
“Hyung….”
His hand tightly grasped his brother’s hand. His gaze was focused on his brother’s face.
For a long time, when his brother endured his hardship alone to love him, maybe… it was first time his brother could sleep peaceful.
Han Yoohyun could see how tired his brother was at his face. His black hair had faded. He had a completely exhausted face. His warm smile had vanished. All that remain was only exhaustion in his despair. It was just time to his brother disappear for this world.
And one step more, his brother would completely leave Han Yoohyun alone.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry….”
He never wanted his brother to endure this in this first place. He just wanted his brother to live as normal person, like he always wanted.
No matter how much Han Yoohyun denied it, he had pushed his brother to the darkness until he couldn’t wake up again. And with this undeniable fact, Han Yoohyun felt his eyes were too hot and blurry.
Like a child punished after a mischief, Han Yoohyun couldn’t stop shedding his tears.
But unlike in the past, there was no longer his brother to comfort Han Yoohyun again.
“I’m sorry… I didn’t mean it—”
"You're just holding me back, Hunter Han Yoojin."
"Go away, and don't ever show up. You're just making trouble for me."
"You will forever only be in my shadow."
“Ple-please, I need to leave—!”
One day, when Han Yoojin needed to stop his sedative to take another medicine, Han Yoojin tried to run away from the hospital, again.
His brother didn’t care that his severely injured body needed rest. Han Yoohyun knew it was painful for him, but his brother still tried to get out for this hospital. Even if he had to crawl, he won’t never give up. He didn’t hesitate to break the window and try to jump from it if he though he could escape for this room.
Because of this, Han Yoohyun never disputed that the doctor’s decision to restrain him when he needed to stop his sedative.
Han Yoohyun, using a disguise-item with someone else’s face, could only watch his brother powerless in the hands of the nurses. He covered his ears and eyes when his brother cried and beg to leave him alone… like he was used.
“Please… I need to leave….”
Despite being exhausted after trying to run away, his brothers still pleade to be freed from his bedroom after being tied up in his bed. He still didn’t give up.
“…I don’t have any money….”
And the reason was always the same.
No matter how hard Han Yoohyun tried to convince his brother that he didn’t need to worry about hospital bill, his brother refused to believe. His brother remained stubborn, insisting he couldn’t afford the hospital bills. His brother didn’t want to owe anything to anyone.
Even Han Yoohyun promised his brother to heal his injured leg without taking any money for him….
“I can heal my leg by myself, please….”
….his brother always refused.
“I have my medicine and it will get me better. Please….”
No.
Han Yoohyun would never let his brother use his so-called "medicine"—drugs anymore. They would never make his brother better. They only fueled his addiction and made his injured leg worse, especially after his brother had self-harmed it.
Han Yoohyun needed to do something with his leg..
“Please, I don’t need it…”
As if Han Yoojin could read his mind, he suddenly became frantic under Han Yoohyn’s gaze. He wanted to step back, to avoid Han Yoohyun, but because of the restraints, Han Yoojin couldn’t leave from his bed.
“A-ah… p-p-please, p-please—aahh!!”
“Han Yoojin-ssi!”
But his brother didn’t hear Han Yoohyun anymre. He felt his chest was tighten and he couldn’t breathe. He wanted to close his eyes again.
“Please, Yoohyun-ah. I will do anything, but please, heal my leg!”
In the middle of winter, Han Yoojin knelt down in front of Han Yoohyun. He was begging, his leg injured and paralyzed. He didn’t care that Han Yoohyun’s bodyguard wanted to drive away from Han Yoohyun’s sight.
He was desperate with his condition. His only hope was his little brother.
He needed Han Yoohyun ,and it was his first time pleading with his little brother who, was raised by himself with sacrifing everything he had.
But Han Yoohyun, heartless, chose to stare him with the coldest eyes.
“Why should I heal you? You’re just making trouble for me”
“No, I will never allow that.”
When the doctor recommended amputating his brother’s leg to improve his health, Han Yoohyun immediately rejected the idea without hesitation.
The doctor just kept silent, as if he didn’t agree with Han Yoohyun’s choice.
….it was understandable.
As the former student who wanted to pursue medicine school, Han Yoohyun understood what the doctor’s concern.
His brother’s broken leg was holding back all his treatment and making everything worse. There was no hope for the leg, especially since almost all of his leg just dead cells that had become source of infections. The drugs that his brother had used made any chance of recovery impossibel, causing him to lose all his sensations.
If Han Yoohyun wanted to prioritize his brother’s health, it would be wise decision to amputate his legs. Morever, with Haeyeon’s power, his brother could walk again with pa rosthetic leg that made from high-class dungeon item.
But…
“Please, Yoohyun-ah. I will doing anything, but please, heal my leg!”
Han Yoohyun never forgot this.
It was his first plea from his brother. His brother, who always carried and endured everything on his own shoulder, had knelt down in front of him just because Han Yoohyun was his only hope that he had.
And Han Yoohyun had heartlessly crushed that hope.
He rejected helping his brother and let him to handle his own… using unknown drug until he lost all sensation and cutting his own flesh, leaving no room for recovery.
Yeah,
It was his fault.
“If we amputated his leg, Hyung’s mind might not handle this…” Han Yoohyun gazed to all doctors and nurses handling his brother. “You can use all mana stone that Haeyeon has to heal my brother. I will do anything to heal him—even it means destroying this world.”
His brother had endured enough. Han Yoohyun didn’t want to add any more scars again.
This time, it was Han Yoohyun who would sacrifice everything for his brother.
Their days were always hard.
But one day, there was a day for them to rest.
It wasn’t peaceful day where his brother was suddenly healed by a miracle. It was simply an easier day for them, where Han Yoohyun neither had to watch his brother try to run away nor see him sedated into oblivion.
His brother didn’t remember anything that day. He didn’t remember that he was in a hospital, his sufferings, or anything at all. He just sat quietly in one place, doing nothing. His face was emotionless, his eyes staring into nothingness.
He was like a doll that had been stored away after being used, waiting to either be picked up again or discarded into the trash.
It was as if he was left alone, disconnected from everything in this world.
But Han Yoohyun had promised himself; he would never leave his brother alone again. No matter what happened to them.
Han Yoohyun waited for him, whether accept Han Yoohyun’s feeling again or hate Han Yoohyun. He wouldn’t force him anymore. Whatever his brother wanted, he would make it happen if it meant his brother would want to live like before.
And for this moment, Han Yoohyun just wanted to be beside his brother.
Disguised as a nurse using a disguise-item, Han Yoohyun took care of his brother just like his brother had done for him during their childhood. He didn’t care that this peaceful time might soon be replaced by their hardships again. He only wanted to have time with his brother, as much as possible.
When he had time, Han Yoohyun cooked and prepared his brother’s meals. His brother’s stomach was injured from malnutrition, so his food needed extra caution. He couldn’t bear certain foods, and sometimes, he didn’t want to eat anything at all, as he was used to enduring hunger.
Han Yoohyun couldn’t force his brother to eat, and he didn’t feel it was in vain if his food was discarded. He just wanted his brother to be healthy, in mind and body. After all, his brother could use IV drips or mana-stones to gain nutrition in those situations.
Even so, Han Yoohyun couldn’t stop cooking and preparing meals. His brother had always struggled to have food on their table during their childhood, never complaining even when he could only afford a meal for his little brother.
Just because of that, how could Han Yoohyun stop preparing his brother’s meals just because he couldn’t eat?
What Han Yoohyun had done was never comparable to his brother’s sacrifice.
“Han Yoojin-ssi, it is dinner now.”
When Han Yoohyun entered the room with his brother’s dinner, he saw Han Yoojin huddled in the corner again. He was hiding under the blanket, but this time it wasn’t out of fear from remembering who Han Yoohyun was. Instead, he simply stayed quiet, doing nothing.
Han Yoohyun set the tray down on the floor near his brother. He unpacked the dinner: samgyetang—chicken soup and rice porridge, with bread pudding for dessert. His brother remained unresponsive, staring blankly at the floor.
His brother was still unresponsive. He just stared blankly on the floor.
And Han Yoohyun took a step back, waiting for him.
But this time, he noticed something different. Under the blanket, he saw a piece of bread. It was his breakfast—he hadn’t eaten it; instead, he’d saved it under the blanket.
Did his brother like that bread?
Then, why did he eat that bread?
Han Yoohyun couldn’t help but speak with a glimmer of hope, “If you like it, I will bake as much bread as you want.”
If his brother only wanted to eat bread, especially if it helped improve his health, Han Yoohyun would make it. Not just bread, he would cook anything his brother desired.
Before Han Yoohyun could make a mental note about his brother’s meal, his brother suddenly answered in a voice so quiet it was almost a whisper, “…n-no, it’s not…”
Han Yoojin hid himself deeper in the blanket as if he didn’t want to be seen.
A second later, Han Yoohyun got an answer he never expected.
“…f-for my little brother….” His brother’s body trembled, clutching the bread as if someone might take it away. “….it’s f-for my little brother…”
Han Yoohyun froze, immediately.
“I don’t have any money…. I can’t bring my little brother food…..”
His brother didn’t dare to look at Han Yoohyun… his little brother. He just hid himself, protecting the bread as if someone might snatch it away.
“….my little brother needs food, please…”
His brother pleaded with Han Yoohyun just to save a piece of plain bread for his little brother.
Why?
Why did his brother still think his little brother even in this state?
His little brother was in front of him…..
The realization hit Han Yoohyun like a ton of bricks. His brother’s love and sense of responsibility towards him had never wavered, not even in his broken state. The depth of his brother’s sacrifice and care was immeasurable. Tears welled up in Han Yoohyun’s eyes, but he held them back.
Hyung, I’m here…
He wanted to say that. He wanted to release his disguise item and become his brother again.
But Han Yoohyun didn’t dare to do this. No, he didn’t deserve to ask this. His brother didn’t recognize him anymore. He was a stranger to his brother.
Silence stretched between them, the room thick with unspoken words and emotions. Han Yoohyun took a deep breath, trying to steady his trembling voice.
“You can have it, for your little brother….” It tasted bitter in Han Yoohyun’s mouth, the words laden with sorrow and regret. His chest tightened as he struggled with his emotions. “But before that, can you eat this…?”
His brother glanced briefly at the dinner in front of him, but made no move to eat.
Ah…
Han Yoohyun felt a pang of realization. Was his brother still consumed by thoughts of his little brother…. who had left him alone in despair?
“Do you want to save this food for your little brother?” Han Yoohyun asked gently, though he already knew what his brother’s response would be in this situation.
His brother didn’t answered. And Han Yoohyun knew what answered that his brother would said in this situation.
No matter what happened his brother still prioritized his little brother.
No matter what happened, his brother still prioritized his little brother—even at the cost of neglecting himself.
Even though he no longer recognized Han Yoohyun, his love and concern for his younger sibling remained steadfast.
“I’ll prepare something special for your little brother,” Han Yoohyun murmured softly, his voice filled with determination. “Something even more delicious than this.”
Han Yoohyun bit his lip, struggling to contain his tears. He couldn’t allow himself to cry in front of his brother, not when he felt he didn’t deserve the privilege.
“Please, eat this. I won’t prepare any food for your little brother if you don’t eat this,” Han Yoohyun said quietly, his voice tinged with sorrow.
Without waiting for his brother’s response, Han Yoohyun turned and left the room swiftly. He couldn’t bear to remain in his brother’s presence any longer. The weight of his brother’s unconditional love and sacrifice, despite everything that had transpired, was too much for him to confront at that moment.
As he walked away, Han Yoohyun struggled with his own emotions, struggling to accept the magnitude of his mistake and the pain he had caused.
Han Yoohyun understood all too well the fragility of his brother's mind. The memories that once formed the foundation of their relationship had become distorted, fragmented, and in some cases, painful to recall. Han Yoohyun tried to used that his brother didn’t recognize him again. It was consequence of what Han Yoohyun done
Then, why…
“Why are you still trying taking care of me?”
He knew the answer, deep down, even as he struggled to articulate it. Despite everything—the shattered memories, the pain of rejection, the overwhelming burden of care
His brother loved him.
At that moment, Han Yoohyun couldn’t hold back his tears any longer. He was crying so hard in the corridor. He didn’t care if his employees found him crying so bitterly.
He didn’t care anymore...
After all, even though his brother was shattered, even though he no longer recognized Han Yoohyun, he still remembered to love his little brother.
Han Yoohyun was loved by his brother, that much...
"You're just holding me back, Hunter Han Yoojin."
"Go away, and don't ever show up. You're just making trouble for me."
"You will forever only be in my shadow."