Chapter Text
When they finally reached the Temple Square, they were greeted by Matilda and her army of Communist Mormons. The Tabernacle Choir tried to explain to her why they came back empty handed, but Matilda would not listen. With one quick whistle, a large amount of rabid dogs emerged from the crowd and charged at the choir at a speed so high that it cannot be recorded by a speedometer. Every member of the choir was massacred in less than a second, but one stayed alive.
The shadowy figure gave a quick glance to the dogs and they all fell down, dead. The shadow figure stepped forward and revealed itself to be Joseph Smith in the body of a silkworm.
“Why have you corrupted my church?” asked Joseph. “This is supposed to be an American church, you have ruined everything. I have been reincarnated by James Henry Trotter. I was sent here to spy on you by the revolutionary army. They have already encircled the Temple Square!”
“Good work, Joseph!” exclaimed James as the peach began smashing everything in sight. It seemed that James was going to easily take over the city, but Matilda’s communist guerillas weren’t going to submit easily. In preparation for an enemy attack, land mines were strategically placed throughout the city, and could surface at any moment. The bombs were controlled by a hacker named Danny in a secret hacking area within the statue of the angel Moroni, high on top of the temple.
Danny had little hacking experience, but he was a natural at it. Back when he lived with his father, Danny learned how to hotwire cars, and computer hacking was fairly similar. Danny and his father left England to escape the forces of PETA, who finally caught them illegally poaching pheasants. Danny and his father programmed robots to fight back against PETA, and had a huge battle in the English countryside. After three weeks of fighting, Danny’s father was eaten by a rabbit sent from PETA to fight. Danny then went into such a rage that he used a robot to burn the woods down, fending off PETA.
This battle occurred at the same time as Matilda’s communist revolution, so when Matilda heard the news about how a young boy defeated the evil capitalist organization PETA, she declared Danny “champion of the world,” and established him as the chief technician for the new army.
As soon as James' army crossed the threshold, Matilda unleashed a force of giant robots. The mechanical beasts created a perimeter around Matilda’s base, slowly marching forward. Anyone who dared to try and pass them would be cut down in an instant. Richard Nixon was sliced up until he became as thin as a sheet of paper.
“Don’t worry, I’ll save you with the power of Flex Tape©!” shouted Phil Swift as he ran to help Nixon. Unfortunately for Phil, he was too slow and was stabbed thirty-two times in the chest by one of the bots being controlled by Matilda. He lay on the ground bleeding.
“Let’s see if it’s gonna leak,” Phil groaned as he produced a hose and sprayed it on himself. The water dripped out on the other side, turned a deep red from Phil’s blood. “Yup, it leaks. NOW THAT’S A LOT OF DAMAGE!” Those were Phil’s last words as he experienced what it was like to be a bucket or a boat.
“PHIL! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” cried out James.
“Now that your precious Philip Swift is dead, perhaps you would like to surrender to me,” proposed Matilda. “Haven’t you read Das Kapital? Don’t you know how great it will be to live in this new society that we are building?”
“No!” James refused. “Don’t you know that communism has killed three billion gazillion people Vuvuzela bottom text?”
“See, this is the problem! People always think that Stalin is such a mean guy and that communism did so many things, but think about it, have you ever seen a man with that cute of a mustache do something so terrible as the rumors you are suggesting? He even helped Trotsky visit the United States and fulfill his dreams of selling mediocre chicken under the fake name ‘Colonel Sanders.’”
Suddenly, the two heard footsteps walking up to them.
“Sounds like you two are missing the real enemy in this story. The authors.” Matilda and James turned around and saw him. The Norwegian Gangster himself, Roald Dahl.