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Long ago, in a little town in England, there lived a family called the Wormwoods. They had a son named Mikey, and a daughter, Matilda (or as her father and mother called her, the little pest). Matilda loved to pull tricks on her parents and brother. Matilda was actually an unappreciated genius and was able to do complicated equations like 365,365,365,365,365,365 X 365,365,365,365,365,365.

Now, Matilda was a student at a local elementary school called Crunchem Hall. Crunchem Hall was a horrible school. Budget cuts had plagued it for decades, making walls crumble at a touch, and toxic gas spewed out of a crack in the playground. The cafeteria food was so cheap that they couldn’t even buy gruel, they had to buy the Tesco knock-off. To become a teacher at Crunchem Hall, all one had to do was to read The Cat in the Hat , and answer what one plus one was. The only teacher that was actually qualified was named Miss Honey, but even she wouldn’t give the children a good education, for the curriculum was written by some random guy hired on CraigsList. But the worst part of Crunchem Hall was the principal, who was the meanest principal in the world. Her name was Miss Trunchbull. She would abuse the students, beating them up each day. One time, Miss Trunchbull murdered a little girl by grabbing her pigtails and slamming her against a wall. The janitor tried for months, but the stain never came out. Matilda wanted to get back at Miss Trunchbull by pulling pranks on her, but one day, Miss Trunchbull had enough. This story is very similar to the classic book, Matilda , but that story is not the truth. In that story, the Trunchbull was fired and Matilda’s favorite teacher, Miss Honey, became principal. Matilda was adopted by Miss Honey and lived happily ever after. Now, that story had a happy ending. But that story was also changed to become just appropriate enough for children. The real story was a nightmare, and we are about to tell it to you.

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First of all, Miss Trunchbull never was in the Olympics, like the book claims. She was an escaped convict from an international maximum-security prison, and had gotten out more than thirty years ago. The police had chased her for years, but after two decades had given up. Her real name was Agatha Jones, and she was arrested for crimes against humanity. She had a series of prison cells underneath Crunchem Hall, and that was where she jailed all the kids that she didn't like. When Mr. and Mrs. Wormwood heard about Ms. Trunchbull, they thought that their daughter deserved discipline, so they sent Matilda to the school. After a couple days, Miss Trunchbull found out that Matilda knew too much, and that she was spying on her. You see, Matilda thought something was not right, so she investigated during recess and found the jail cells. So Matilda was forbidden to see Miss Honey and her classmates, and was not allowed to be taught. She was taken below to the dreaded prison cells Miss Trunchbull had built with the help of enslaved children. After weeks and weeks went by, and there was still no sign of Matilda, the Wormwoods decided that Matilda was gone forever, so   they had a huge party and moved to America.

Meanwhile, back in England, Matilda was convinced that her parents were searching for her with the police, and that she would soon be let out. But little did she know that her parents were long gone. Miss Trunchbull was incredibly mean to Matilda, and soon Matilda was joined by her teacher Miss Honey, in the middle of the night. Miss Honey secretly visited Matilda and gave her food. But Miss Trunchbull stayed at work late one day and discovered this. Miss Trunchbull fired Miss Honey, and she literally fired her, which meant that well, you know. At least it made the lesson on Joan of Arc more hands-on.

As for Matilda, she was taken to a very, very, very, small prison in the courtyard that was originally used to punish exploring small children at recess. It consisted of a small wooden door that was locked, which everybody was forbidden to ask questions about. The door was in a small, dark alleyway that was unused. If you read the original story, that was the place where the kids hid from Miss Trunchbull at recess, and where they befriended Hortensia. The door was locked, with five big metal locks. Only Miss Trunchbull had the key, and she hid it in her secret hiding place. Behind the door was a very long twisting set of stairs, which led all the way deep down near the underground prison cells. But this cell was separated secretly by a wall from the plain underground cells. The stairs went down a little longer, and when you reached the bottom you came to a long hallway. The hallway was dark and damp. Rats scurried across the floors. At the very end of the hallway was a small cell, a very small cell, about 4 feet wide and 5 feet tall. Every day Miss Trunchbull herself came and gave Matilda a breath mint and an eye-dropper drop of water. This went on for many weeks making Matilda lonely, confused and scared to death. She was not the girl she once was when she still attended school.

Her teachers were forced to give her seventeen pounds of Homework every day or they would meet the same fate as Miss Honey. If Matilda didn’t complete her homework in time then she would get caned 1,000,000 more times at the time at recess known as “Torture for Understanding”. Her hands were always dirty. Her hair had awful snags. She wore nothing but the same dress she was wearing the day she was taken to her original cell. Her bed, a small clump of hay. She cried herself to sleep most nights. She wished somebody could hear her. But nobody could. The outside world was probably 50 feet away. She longed for Miss Honey, for she was the only one who liked her.

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One day, when Miss Trunchbull came to give her food, the cell door was slightly ajar. Matilda gathered all of her strength and raced through the door. An enraged Miss Trunchbull thundered behind her yelling,

“You rotten little beast, you are horrible and nasty and rude and (some words the authors can’t put in this) and if I catch you I’ll put you in my petting zoo, and leave you there with Little Billy!”

Miss Trunchbull's petting zoo was a place where poisonous animals could pet small misbehaving children. The only problem was that poisonous animals are a lot like toddlers. They put everything in their mouths, but instead of just sucking on them, they bite with strong teeth. Little Billy is a harmless little Black Mamba, he wouldn’t hurt a fly, but unfortunately, he has a rage that quickly consumes him and makes him bite every living thing that he sees with his poison that can make a human die in a minute with no cure. Doesn’t that sound wonderful, children?

Matilda raced up the steps, through the door and out of school. She jumped into a nearby school bus, turned the key, and hit the gas.

Unfortunately, as you may know from the book, Miss Trunchbull was ripped off by Matilda's father. The bus exploded into little bits of sawdust. Matilda jumped out just in time as the whole bus landed on Ms. Trunchbull.

“WHY YOU LITTLE (THING THAT'S NOT ALLOWED TO BE SAID IN THIS)!” hollered the Trunchbull. Matilda ran into the school and cried out to Crunchem Hall. She ran to the children writing

“ I apologize for being born and I am a miserable little vermin that has no rightful place on our planet. Also, turtles stink” a number that starts with 1 and a comma, and has an unreasonable number of 0s times on a blackboard. This shows how terrible Miss Trunchbull was! THOSE POOR TURTLES! BOO HOO HOO! Okay, let’s get back to the story.

“Children, we have been abused by Miss Trunchbull for too long! WE ARE REVOLTING!” This part of the story was a part that the Matilda musical got correct, so well done Broadway for not sanitizing the story too much.

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The children of Crunchem Hall ran out to face their oppressors, using dodgeballs as cannons and hockey sticks as swords. I think that Bruce’s weapon of the cafeteria’s latest meal was the most effective, personally. The beans in that chili are enough to make an elephant's bowels explode. Matilda was marching in front with armor made of the jail bars at her cell that they melted in the art kiln and molded to make a claylike substance. The students attacked Miss Trunchbull and threw their moldy bread at her. Giant catapults of Tesco Gruel were hurled at teachers. Those hit by it were knocked out by the force, but at least they got to eat that satisfying Tesco Gruel! Nine out of ten orphans can’t tell the difference between Tesco gruel and the classic flavor we all know and love! Don’t delay, visit Tesco today!

Miss Trunchbull screamed in fury, revealing her true self. She attacked the children, hurling them left and right. But Matilda took her hockey sticks and her jail bars and THWACK, CRACK, WHAM, Miss Trunchbull was trapped in a prison cell made out of weapons. Any attempt the Trunchbull made at escaping would be faced by thousands of those little metal tips at the end of canes.

All the kids went back inside the school and busted into Miss Trunchbull's office. Then, they went through all her drawers and closets and took anything that looked valuable. They busted open the chokey and let the kids that were inside out. They destroyed the chokey and smashed it to pieces. The rest of the things inside the office were taken outside where a great bonfire had been built. Matilda put some stolen sunglasses on and dropped a lit match onto the stacks of wood, with the erupting flames reflecting on her frames. Hortensia drove through the office with one of those big motorized lawn mowers.

Miss Trunchbull watched all of this from her cell and screamed in pain. Those filing cabinets were worth everything to her, for in those piles was her passport and papers she could use in case the police found her and she needed to get out of the country.

Next, came all the personal things like photos and clothes. Then, all the valuable treasures Miss Trunchbull owned had gasoline poured on them and lit.

Then, the group came to Miss Trunchbull's most valuable possession. It was her precious car, made by a fancy car company just for her. It came with a pool, a soft-serve machine, a collection of severed heads lying on a stake, a roller coaster, a T.V, all the new video games, and best of all, every issue of Criminal’s Weekly . The kids broke down the door like the Orcs at Helms Deep and pushed the car into the afternoon sun.

As soon as Miss Trunchbull saw this, she was enraged. She burst from the jail cell, not minding getting hurt. She ran to the car and tried to get in, but the children jumped on her and she was overwhelmed, forced to be chained to the wall. She then watched in terror as her beloved car was hauled up onto a mound. A large tree was cut down that destroyed the car’s roof. A stick of dynamite was thrown into the car's engine, and the car exploded into a fiery inferno even hotter than the flames of the Trunchbull’s anger. The kids screamed in happiness, but the Trunchbull screamed with a fury of a thousand suns.

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The kids went toward the street that went past the school. Commanded by Matilda, they hijacked a car. The driver was chained up and forced to drive towards the local military base that was a few blocks away. Matilda parked the car and snuck inside with a task force of children. Hortensia stayed behind to throw the driver in a river, then ran to join the others.

They went straight toward the plane hanger and stole all the Royal Air Force Planes in the base. The only person there was the janitor, as the soldiers were out in a field doing push-ups. They smashed through the glass doors, heading toward Crunchem Hall. Now you must remember, this village was in a very rural area of England. No city was around for miles. Nobody knew what was going on except Matilda, the kids, and the Trunchbull. The kids flew towards Crunchem Hall and dropped all the bombs they had on the school. The school was blown to bits and nothing was left but a pile of bricks. Matilda found the strongest missile in her plane and locked it on the Trunchbull. The Trunchbull cackled hysterically as she watched everything she ever worked for be destroyed. She screamed about how this wasn’t the end for her, and she was blown to bits.

The children left the school and flew towards London. They had one idea in mind: to capture the Queen and blow up Buckingham Palace. Then they would be able to take over the government and make a republic of children.

When the children finally arrived at Buckingham Palace, the Queen and Prince Charles were giving a speech on the balcony on how Harry never told them he was leaving. It was so boring, the children fell asleep while piloting the planes. All of the planes accidentally crashed into Prince Charles’ demon worship room and Queen Elizabeth’s terrarium. The terrarium was used by the queen for basking in artificial heat generated by the dead and crushed souls of Parliament from the long and tireless hours they spent arguing over the insanity-provoking concept known as Brexit.

Now, at this very moment, a glass case broke, freeing the half-demon, half-Margaret Thatcher beast.

This demon Margaret Thatcher strangely seemed to resemble the deceased remains of King Henry the 8th but his remains were in Westminster Abbey. This is because it was actually named Dio Brando. Dio rejected his humanity and became a creature that could absorb every living being that it touched. It already had cells from the Queen, Prince Charles, and Boris Johnson. The royal family giving the speech were really just androids.

Just then, Matilda, awaking from her dangerous slumber, pressed the red button on the control panel with the label, “Hammer and Sickle Project.” Out of the remains of the Demon Worship Room emerged a large mass of people that strangely resembled the entire Soviet Army, commanded by Joseph Stalin himself. It turns out that Queen Elizabeth had perfectly preserved Stalin and a large mass of Soviet Soldiers, because she felt that they may be needed one day in hopes of backing up her massive demon army. “It is time to storm Buckingham Palace and spread communism to England!” commanded Joseph Stalin. “No no no no no no no,” whispered Demon Margaret Thatcher (though the phrase “Demon Margaret Thatcher” is redundant) as she pressed her hand on Stalin’s mustache. Suddenly all of the cells in Stalin’s body were pulled into Demon Margaret Thatcher, fusing with her. Unfortunately for Demon Margaret Thatcher, his communist ideologies were so strong that Demon Margaret Thatcher did the unthinkable and became a communist. “My comrade,” said Matilda. “I will fight with you for freedom! Who’s with me?”. The children cheered and joined the communist army. One by one, the children marched into the ranks of the army. “My leader,” Matilda asked. “I wish to join you. I reject my humanity!” Demon Margaret Thatcher absorbed Matilda and Matilda became part of the mix. Demon Margaret Thatcher now was Demon Henry VIII, Demon Prince Charles, Demon Queen Elizabeth, Demon Boris Johnson, Demon Margaret Thatcher, Demon Joseph Stalin, and Demon Matilda. It now was the ultimate British communist, with Matilda mainly being in control. Matilda was now the second most powerful being in the universe, second only to the Norwegian gangster Roald Dahl.

Her will to establish a communist state was so strong, she became the dominant controlling force of this vile creature. “Now, my children,” Matilda commanded, “We will fight for freedom!”

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Matilda’s army of demons and WWII soviet soldiers broke down the wall of Buckingham Palace. The royal guards were captured and held in the tower of London. Matilda raised the hammer and sickle flag over Buckingham Palace as a new communist state was established. Matilda used British government technology to send a holographic message into everyone’s eyes. “Greetings, comrades,” said Matilda. “My names are Margaret Thatcher, Jonathan Joestar, Henry Tudor VIII, Dio Brando, Boris Johnson, Elizabeth Windsor, Charles Windsor, Joseph Stalin, and Matilda Wormwood, but you will call me Supreme Leader. I am on a mission to spread communism throughout the world. I will make alliances with other communist countries and will invade any country that dares to defy me. Watch now as your pitiful capitalism falls!” Matilda switched the broadcast to a camera outside of the Wonka chocolate company. The billionaire Willy Wonka was being dunked into a steaming bowl of chocolate like a 17th century Witch at Salem by his enslaved Oompa-Loompas, trading in their overalls for soviet general attire. The Oompa-Loompas began singing a song.

“Oompa-Loompa, doopity doo. If you resist, this’ll happen to you. Oompa-Loompa, doopity dee, dump all your money, start making things free. What do you get with some capitalism? Workers enslaved like they’re trapped in a prison. We hate this gig, dancing this stupid jig. You are a capit-al-ist pig! Join the communist regime!”

The communist army destroyed machines and saved innocent children. Unfortunately, Wonka gave his life savings to a boy named Charlie Bucket to let his capitalist dream live on. Charlie and his Grandpa Joe flew off in the great glass elevator, but Grandpa Joe pushed Charlie out to keep the chocolate for himself. Grandpa Joe was not really Charlie’s grandpa. He was really the Norwegian gangster Roald Dahl, pretending to be Joe. The real Grandpa Joe died in 1987. Dahl escaped into the countryside with the money and lived another day. Little did he know, his work in this story had just begun.

One Augustus Gloop was named head of agriculture for the new society and converted one quarter of all farming land in England to chocolate growing facilities. There were many clones of Willy Wonka that were forced to do the same hard labor that Oompa Loompa slaves once did.

Violet Beauregarde was placed in command of the economy, which she quickly would use up half of the newly founded Communist State of Great Britain’s entire funds for chewing gum, the food of the people.

Mike Teevee became the press secretary and he was a natural at it. All they had to do was put a tv screen behind the cameras and he would make gun noises and yell “War!”, which was exactly what the supreme leader was doing at the time.

Of course, Veruca Salt was placed in charge of the defense department because of her anger issues. This was not particularly good, because when she made an attempt to invade France, she received many negative responses from America, the land across the pond. We won’t go into that now, but let’s just say we will never forget the beautiful cities of Liverpool and Manchester. Not to mention her corrupt deal with the Irish Republican Army by liberating Ireland in exchange for the entire country of Argentina being obliterated by car bombs as payback for ever stepping foot on the Falkland Islands in the first place. The plan to invade Paris failed due to the efforts of Emanuel Macron and many, many squirrels.

However, the ideology of expansion did not fully go down the hole. The Demon Margaret Thatcher-Matilda-all the other beings that make it up that are too long to write here, royally decreed that she would be going to a summit with Vladimir Putin to form a communist alliance. Matilda got on a fleet of warships and headed to Russia.

“Mr. Putin,” declared Matilda. “You are either going to step down, or join my utopia.”

“Finally,” exclaimed Putin. “It’s time to go back to the old ways!”

“Ah (thing that the authors aren’t allowed to write), here we go again,” muttered Mikhail Gorbachev.

The children of Russia were extremely glad to join this new society, but the elders needed a little persuasion. Luckily, Matilda knew ways to make them submit. She had hired a new member to her cabinet. His name: George Kranky.

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When George Kranky was eight years old, he had to stay at his grandmother's house. His grandmother bossed him around, forcing him to do all sorts of nasty chores like cleaning the septic tank. To get back at her, he mixed many different household items such as deodorant, gin, anti-freeze, and sewage into her normal medicine. George fed the medicine to his grandmother and prepared to chuckle, but he suddenly was startled. “ Союз нерушимый республик свободных Сплотила навеки Великая Русь. Да здравствует созданный волей народов Единый, могучий Советский Союз!” cried his grandmother. George quickly pulled up Google translate and realized that his grandmother was reciting the Soviet Union National Anthem. He groveled at the feet of his comrade. He finally respected his grandmother. “Grannie,” commanded George. “It is time to spread my medicine with the world!” George filed an appointment at Supreme Leader Matilda’s mansion, Kuntsevo Dacha, the previous home of Joseph Stalin in the Kremlin, to show her his many mixtures to convert the masses to communism. Now, the conversation with the Kremlin and George was not entirely found, as everything in the communist state is very restricted. Anyways, when George picked up the telephone and dialed Matilda’s private number, 1-800-SOVT, Matilda immediately picked up. “Hello, George,” said Matilda. “The little green bird sings a pretty song. It’s time to sail upriver. Follow the yellow brick road and meet the Cowardly Lion,” commanded Matilda. George immediately realized that it was time to send in a large shipment of his medicine. It was time to raid the White House.

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Matilda began a large draft and forced citizens to join the Navy through secret kidnappings and impressment, emulating tactics that her nation once used to harass American sailors in the early 1800s. She needed to gather a large force in a short amount of time to begin her attack. Matilda put canisters of George’s marvelous medicine in every attack plane and began her assault on the United States.

President Donald Trump woke up at the crack of dawn to the sounds of bombs going off.

“Quick, Mr. President!” he heard a voice say. Trump followed the voice in a daze down the hall, as he had just woken up, and felt a strange mush around him. He looked around and realized that he was inside of a peach. “Mr. President, we are being attacked by a fleet of communists!” said the young voice. “83% of US citizens have now become communist!”

“What’s going on, and why am I in a peach?” President Trump asked frantically looking around.

“This peach is the last safe place in the United States,” the voice answered. President Trump realized the voice belonged to a young boy. “My name is James Henry Trotter, but you can call me James. I am the leader of the American Division in the Resistance Army. These are my officers with me, Nixon, Johnson, and Hoover.”

“I’ve had enough of these commies,” said the voice of J. Edgar Hoover, which appeared to be coming out of an unusually large grasshopper.

“Yeah, first they beat us in Vietnam, and now they start turning us communist on our home continent!” exclaimed the voice of Lyndon B. Johnson coming out of an unusually large centipede.

“This is going to be a public relations nightmare,” muttered the voice of Richard Nixon coming out of an unusually large worm.

“Why are these insects talking?” President Trump frantically asked.

George explained his tragic backstory. His parents were assassinated by a rhinoceros, sent from Lavender the animal-whisperer in the communist army. He was sent to live with his communist aunts, Sponge and Spiker. In order to get rid of them, he purchased many strange pills from the Norwegian gangster Roald Dahl. The pills were steroids that turned Sponge and Spiker into giant balls that rolled off a cliff into the ocean.

George then created a giant peach that he used to float across the Atlantic and visit the US. He implanted the steroids on the soil near the graves of famous anti-communists, creating giant bug reincarnations of them.

The group equipped the peach with motorized wings and began building up a revolutionary army. The army was currently hiding in a bunker deep below the Rocky Mountains, a place that James would soon take Trump.

James hit the gas on the Motorized Peach and it sped forward, across the country to the Rocky Mountains.

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Now, their base was in the wonderful state of Utah, on the western side of the Rockies. Little did they know that this state was also currently the most communist state in America.

Matilda poisoned the water of the Great Salt Lake to make it evaporate and turn everyone in the state of Utah into a communist. The General for this American campaign was Matilda’s brother Mikey.

As stated previously, Mikey and the rest of the Wormwoods moved to Utah, and they had several adventures all across the world due to Mikey becoming the world’s largest drug kingpin. He killed Mr. and Mrs. Wormwood for not supporting his criminal interests. He spent most of his time trying to raise an army to fight Matilda, but Matilda was also closely monitoring Mikey. She found out his evil plan to explode the headquarters of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and decided to ambush them. She then carried out her Salt Lake plan, which turned the entire population of Utah into communists. Mikey now was living with his group of gangsters in a secret lair underneath Temple Square, planning to find Trump’s fallout shelter. He sent out members of the Mormon Tabernacle choir to locate the base and they luckily intercepted the peach as soon as it was about to land.

President Trump was suddenly attacked by the Tabernacle Choir, all trained by Mikey in the art of assassination. In the blink of an eye, twenty-seven members of the Secret Service collapsed. Their hearts were ripped out with no blood and no sign of injury, all while the choir beautifully sang, “The Lord Is My Shepherd” by James Montgomery.

“Hold on tight!” commanded James as the peach entered Gear Two. It grew limbs and rolled towards the mountains at mach speed. The peach opened up a huge hole in the side of the mountain and hurled down the huge shaft dug out. The hole was quickly sealed by Phil Swift with Flex Paste©, for Phil was an active member of the revolutionary army. Unfortunately one stowaway managed to get in, Lisa Guerrero of Inside Edition. James declined an interview several times but it seemed Lisa would stop at nothing to get one.

“Mister President, what do you feel about being in a giant peach?” asked Lisa.

“Get her out of here, she might be a Russian spy!” ordered James.

“Did you just say Russian spy? Mister President, are you a Russian spy? Just like Sia in Episode 784 of Inside Edition Daytime?” Lisa demanded. Phil Swift quickly slapped a piece of Flex Tape© over Lisa Guerrero’s mouth. “But there’s a tow truck operator waiting in a McDonald's Parking Lot in upstate New York that I need to investigate for my countless viewers!!!” Lisa screeched before the Flex Tape© was attached to her dollar store-lipsticked mouth.

“That should shut her up for a while! And the inside is completely dry!” exclaimed Phil Swift. He then lead Lisa to his torture chamber, where he kept many saws. He grabbed a large one and cut off Lisa’s head with one chop. “Now that’s a lot of damage!” remarked Phil. “Now let’s see if we can repair it with Flex Glue©!”

“Phil, for the last time, you can’t murder people and bring them back with Flex Glue©! Flex Glue© is meant for use as a temporary solution for cracks and holes!” complained Richard Nixon.

Outside the mountain, every member of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir forcefully slammed into the hole, but Flex Paste© kept its grip. The choir didn’t let this discourage them, so they went back to Temple Square for backup, singing “There Is Sunshine in My Soul Today” along the way.

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When they finally reached the Temple Square, they were greeted by Matilda and her army of Communist Mormons. The Tabernacle Choir tried to explain to her why they came back empty handed, but Matilda would not listen. With one quick whistle, a large amount of rabid dogs emerged from the crowd and charged at the choir at a speed so high that it cannot be recorded by a speedometer. Every member of the choir was massacred in less than a second, but one stayed alive.

The shadowy figure gave a quick glance to the dogs and they all fell down, dead. The shadow figure stepped forward and revealed itself to be Joseph Smith in the body of a silkworm.

“Why have you corrupted my church?” asked Joseph. “This is supposed to be an American church, you have ruined everything. I have been reincarnated by James Henry Trotter. I was sent here to spy on you by the revolutionary army. They have already encircled the Temple Square!”

“Good work, Joseph!” exclaimed James as the peach began smashing everything in sight. It seemed that James was going to easily take over the city, but Matilda’s communist guerillas weren’t going to submit easily. In preparation for an enemy attack, land mines were strategically placed throughout the city, and could surface at any moment. The bombs were controlled by a hacker named Danny in a secret hacking area within the statue of the angel Moroni, high on top of the temple.

Danny had little hacking experience, but he was a natural at it. Back when he lived with his father, Danny learned how to hotwire cars, and computer hacking was fairly similar. Danny and his father left England to escape the forces of PETA, who finally caught them illegally poaching pheasants. Danny and his father programmed robots to fight back against PETA, and had a huge battle in the English countryside. After three weeks of fighting, Danny’s father was eaten by a rabbit sent from PETA to fight. Danny then went into such a rage that he used a robot to burn the woods down, fending off PETA.

This battle occurred at the same time as Matilda’s communist revolution, so when Matilda heard the news about how a young boy defeated the evil capitalist organization PETA, she declared Danny “champion of the world,” and established him as the chief technician for the new army.

As soon as James' army crossed the threshold, Matilda unleashed a force of giant robots. The mechanical beasts created a perimeter around Matilda’s base, slowly marching forward. Anyone who dared to try and pass them would be cut down in an instant. Richard Nixon was sliced up until he became as thin as a sheet of paper.

“Don’t worry, I’ll save you with the power of Flex Tape©!” shouted Phil Swift as he ran to help Nixon. Unfortunately for Phil, he was too slow and was stabbed thirty-two times in the chest by one of the bots being controlled by Matilda. He lay on the ground bleeding.

“Let’s see if it’s gonna leak,” Phil groaned as he produced a hose and sprayed it on himself. The water dripped out on the other side, turned a deep red from Phil’s blood. “Yup, it leaks. NOW THAT’S A LOT OF DAMAGE!” Those were Phil’s last words as he experienced what it was like to be a bucket or a boat.

“PHIL! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” cried out James.
“Now that your precious Philip Swift is dead, perhaps you would like to surrender to me,” proposed Matilda. “Haven’t you read Das Kapital? Don’t you know how great it will be to live in this new society that we are building?”

“No!” James refused. “Don’t you know that communism has killed three billion gazillion people Vuvuzela bottom text?”

“See, this is the problem! People always think that Stalin is such a mean guy and that communism did so many things, but think about it, have you ever seen a man with that cute of a mustache do something so terrible as the rumors you are suggesting? He even helped Trotsky visit the United States and fulfill his dreams of selling mediocre chicken under the fake name ‘Colonel Sanders.’”

Suddenly, the two heard footsteps walking up to them.

“Sounds like you two are missing the real enemy in this story. The authors.” Matilda and James turned around and saw him. The Norwegian Gangster himself, Roald Dahl.

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There stood a hunched over, frail man with a maroon sweater vest and a serious balding problem. In his mouth, there was a pipe, and in his hand, a book entitled “How to Scare the [Redacted] out of Children.”

“It has been ages since I have laid eyes upon the characters I created. You see, whenever someone reads enough of my books and writes as much fanfiction as they have, I spontaneously appear. It’s like a genie, but instead of getting three wishes, you get a man that’s been dead for 30 years to pester you for a bit.” Upon saying that, he opened his book and pulled a small laser-blaster that he had stolen from George Lucas in an alternate dimension.

“Don’t you realize, you senile old rat, that I am the one true leader of this world? Nothing can stop me, and you shall soon be crushed by the might of my iron fist of the workers and farmers!” Matilda bellowed.

“You’re the one who needs to realize something! This story has been corrupted so much by a bunch of idiotic public school students. They’ve been through three separate schools, three US presidents, one of them is a different gender now, and gone through a global pandemic, but they are still regularly adding stupid garbage to the story. Whenever they can’t think of a plot progression, they just add another one of my classic stories to the thing! They’re so lazy they can’t even think of a proper conclusion to the story that they put themselves into the plot!”

“But Mr. Dahl?” asked Matilda. “Won’t that mean that they can’t put this story on AO3 without exposing their real identities?”

“That’s a good point, Matilda, but you underestimate the power of fake names! I paraded as Grandpa Joe for years and nobody ever found out!! All I did was sit in that bed! Granted, the cabbage was pretty bad.”

It was at this moment that the Space-Time-Roald-Dahlic Continuum ripped open, because Roald Dahl revealed he had been Grandpa Joe and was in fact a major character in all of the stories he wrote. He was such a narcissist, that he wrote two autobiographies. He was also so bald that he was cast as an extra in the film The Witches, despite already being presumed dead. He never died, however. He was an eternal, inter-dimensional being that could shapeshift with a snap of his chocolatey, prejudiced fingers.

Just as all of this backstory was being explained by the authors, Roald Dahl was transforming from an old, addicted-to-pipe smoking man into a 30 year old fifth-grade teacher known as Mr. Devall. His khaki pants and robin’s-egg blue polo shirt were in pristine condition, as he hadn’t seen daylight in ages. His skin cracked slightly in the sun, because he also had not been exposed to air in a millennia. The false story of him moving back to Baltimore to teach was a lie; he really went into hiding like Pennywise until his hour of action arrived.

“Mwahahahaha! I banned Creative Writing for the whole classroom because of this story you’re reading right now! Now face my wrath or delete this document from your drives forever!”

Just as he appeared and the rip in the continuum occured, a bright purple light flashed across the Utah desert. It was momentarily blinding, and then all of a sudden a massive boom blasted all eardrums in the Salt Lake City metropolitan area. Then, the entire soundtrack from the 2005 film Charlie and the Chocolate Factory began to play continuously, but with the quality of the Nokia ringtone. All of the characters from every single book in literature flew out of this massive whirlpool, because ‘Roald Dahl’ was the true author behind every single written text in human history, from the Epic of Gilgamesh to Captain Underpants. The entire universe was a figment of his imagination, as well as every other alternate dimension that existed. He was present at the beginning of time and will be present long after it ends, just like Tom Bombadil. However, he had missed one very important detail, his Achilles heel: whenever he revealed any of his continuity errors, everything went nuts and the fabric of his creations fell apart and he would have to restart everything.

“Man, I really messed up this time!” The inter-dimensional Roald Dahl-Mr. Devall screeched.

“We won’t let you destroy us by having the authors delete this story! We need to survive long enough to make it to the climax of the story!!” The Matilda being and her entire communist army howled in unison.

“Boris Johnson isn’t even the Prime Minister anymore, you filthy yanks! Now you have to make Liz Truss jokes!” chortled Devall.

“She’s British and used to be an accountant! We don’t even have to try if we want to make fun of her!” replied Matilda. “And another thing! I AM BORIS JOHNSON!”

Matilda transformed into an old British man with quite possibly the worst haircut ever.
“Right honorable gentleman oughta blatah putahponly putahptaxesoninhertianceanpensionsofcorporations!”

Chapter Text

“Too bad, Boris!” shouted Devall. “This story is still out of date, the Queen literally just died! It also is really weird that when the authors first heard the news, they immediately thought ‘I have to update my Matilda fanfic.’”

Matilda felt herself grow weaker as the spirit of Queen Elizabeth vanished from her body and was replaced by the weaker spirit of Trisha Paytas’s infant daughter.

(Moment Of Silence For The Queen)

“Nooo!” Matilda screeched. She then realized something important. “You forgot something crucial! I now have the spirit of Demon King Charles III of The United Kingdom And The Commonwealth Realms within myself! Now face my wrath, or off with your head!”

All of a sudden, the purple void spat out an old man with a terrible hairdo and a Shakespearean-esque ruff collar, holding a golden-pointed walking stick. “Did someone say King Charles? I thought we executed him! Where are my Roundheads?”

“Not this time, Cromwell!” The Matilda-King Charles III morph bellowed. With a single smack of her demonic claw, Lord Protector Cromwell evaporated and was no more. “Despite the fact that it doesn’t make sense for Charles to choose the regnal name of a dynasty of failed English kings, I will not let it weaken me! God Save The Communist Margaret Thatcher Schoolgirl Demonic Joseph Stalin King! I even have the Charles II rap from Horrible Histories memorized! I love the people and the people love me so much that they restored the English monarchy…”

“God, please stop! Ever since Hamilton was popular I’ve despised historical rapping!” shouted Devall.

“Did someone say Hamilton?” asked Lin Manuel Miranda, a loyal member of Matilda’s invasion squad. He immediately began singing Helpless with his iconic, extremely strained voice. “ThAt boY iS miNe tHat bOy Is MIIIIIIIIIINE!”

“Stop, stop stop!” screamed Demon Devall. I banned people from playing Hamilton in my classroom!” He covered his ears and rolled around on the floor. Matilda took this opportunity to make a tactical retreat to a local high school, while Devall’s ears were bleeding with PTSD. When he finally regained consciousness, Matilda was nowhere to be found. Enraged, Devall called for his assistant.

“QUENTIN!” A bald British man suddenly appeared out of a puff of smoke.

“Yes, your highness?” asked renowned British cartoonist Quentin Blake.

“I want you to draw the most disturbing things you’ve ever thought of. The censored scene from the B.F.G. where Sophie’s head was bitten off. Everything from The Witches. I have a plan more vile than the Great Mouse Plot of 1924. Mwahahahaha! MWAHAHAHAHA!” Devall cackled as he fiddled with his 4x4 Rubik’s Cube © .

Chapter Text

Matilda’s army was quickly losing men due to Blake’s terrifying artistry. This was because he recognized the true weakness of communism: capitalist propaganda. His grainy black pen furiously scribbled the faces of Ronald McDonald, Warren Buffett, and Bill Gates into the Utah Mountains. The soldier’s faces were melting off by the hundreds, with an eerie resemblance to the demise of the bad guys in Indiana Jones & The Raiders Of The Lost Ark©.

Matilda and her top generals hid in the auditorium of East High, a local public school. For some reason, there was a filming crew in the school, so Matilda converted some of the actors using George’s Marvelous Medicine. The actors included Zac Efron, Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Tisdale, Corbin Bleu, and Lucas Gabreel.

“Comrades, we need to get our heads in the game!” commanded Matilda. “I believe in dreaming, and shooting for the stars, but to be number one, you’ve got to raise the bar! We need to bop to the top and finish this off once and for all! Everybody one for all and all for one, you can bet on it bet on it bet all you can! We can work this out, after all, WE’RE ALL IN THIS TOGETH-”

Suddenly, Blake’s drawing of the B.F.G (Originally called the Big Fat Gangster) bursted through the wall of the school like the KoolAid© Man. Zac and Corbin ran to safety in the set of East High’s Spring Musical.

“ WHAT THE HECK ARE THOSE TWO DOING IN A TREE! ” bellowed the Big Fat Gangster as he grabbed the two actors and prepared to gobble them up.

“Please, don’t kill me!” pleaded Zac Efron. “I haven’t even stolen Jeremy Jordan’s part in the Greatest Showman yet!”

“ HOW DARE YOU DISRESPECT MY FAVORITE BROADWAY STAR, THE TALENTED JEREMY JORDAN? ” responded the Big Fat Gangster as he threw them down his throat. “Vanessa Hudgens, you can live. You were great in tick…tick…boom! Tell Andrew I say hi! I also will spare Ashley Tisdale. Sharpay did nothing wrong and deserves better!”

Suddenly, Andrew Garfield himself appeared in the gym, swinging webs and punching the Big Fat Gangster right in the face.

“Vanessa!” shouted Andrew with his beautiful British Accent. “We need to start singing Therapy to stop this menace to Her Majesty Matilda’s glorious new world order! I feel bad that you feel bad…”
“IIII FEEL BADLY ABOUT YOU FEELING BADLY ABOUT YOUUUUU!” belted Vanessa Hudgens, as Andrew Garfield sang along.

“I feel bad that you feel bad about me feeling bad about you feeling bad…” The Big Fat Gangster immediately began vibing to the beat until he realized what they were trying to do.

“You think you can stop me just because you’re singing songs from one of my favorite movies? I like 30/90 better anyways!” shouted the Big Fat Gangster.

“You should have learned from that movie how actions speak louder than words! And by the way, I have a secret to share with you. I AM THE WEREWOLF!”

The handsome British actor transformed into a horrifying wolf, covered in thick black fur. His eyes glowed red as he cut through the Big Fat Gangster with one slash. The giant collapsed.

Matilda then had an epiphany. The best way to stop Mr. Devall would be through musical theatre! (The authors are deciding to spell it as “theatre” because they are massive nerds. You may have been able to detect this by how they’ve been writing a Matilda fanfic for over five years, putting all of their favorite references and in-jokes into it. They apologize for this).

Devall hated Hamilton, and one of the reasons he banned creative writing was because of the playbill the authors made for their school production of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Matilda formulated a plan, calling up all of her favorite actors associated with musical theatre. She would give Devall a battle to remember, that he would never ever ever forget. She wanted it all, and the carnage would be fabulous.

Chapter Text

In order for Matilda to completely annihilate Devall, she was going to have to tap into her Communist resources to retrieve some powerful weapons. She had just the idea, which was to travel to North Korea and steal one of their ballistic missiles. She arranged for a revamped Concorde Jet to fly her to the peninsula overnight, and she would arrive by morning to meet Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un at the airport. While she did so, her army would hold down the theatre back in Salt Lake City, just in case Devall found them.

The flight was extremely quick, thanks to a new type of fuel invented by George Kranky that incinerated the remains of every justice on the Roberts Court, and turned it into fuel. It never says in the Constitution that people have the right to not be turned into fuel, so they couldn’t object. After all, who needs implied fundamental rights? It was safe to say that Amy Coney Barrett was a big help for once.

As the Concorde approached Pyongyang Airport, Matilda noticed the view outside the window of North Korea was especially good. It turned out that Kim Jong-Un was so overjoyed by the communist revolution that he decided to feed his people for once. He started playing the national anthem of North Korea, “Stayin Alive” by the Bee Gees to celebrate Matilda’s arrival.

As soon as they exited the plane, Matilda & her Generals hopped into a Rolls-Royce (specially imported from China despite recent United States sanctions) with Kim Jong-Un, that was driven by the nearly-perfectly preserved body of North Korea’s founder, Kim Il-Sung. (Despite one of his eyeballs being missing.)

“Where to, comrade?” The mummy of Kim Il-Sung said in a distorted voice.

“The Parade Square!” Kim Jong-Un bellowed.

The jet-black Rolls-Royce sped through the streets of Pyongyang, past cheering crowds chanting the communist Oompa-Loompa music. Juche Tower glimmered in the morning sun.

“We’re here, Dear Comrade!” The Kims said in unison.

“Perfect. Now we’ll get what we came for during this stupid parade,” Matilda whispered to herself.

As the party stepped out onto the gleaming limestone, Kim Jong-Un motioned up to the viewing platform high above. The portraits of Kim Il-Sung and Kim Jong-Il had been replaced with a massive bust of Matilda, in full communist regalia.

“We are so grateful for your victory! We’ve been waiting years for someone else to do it. We didn’t want it to be us, because we knew we would be annihilated by the West,” Kim Jong-Un exclaimed.

“You’re right, it’s kinda weird that nobody has used nukes this entire story. It’s almost like the authors forgot about them up until now and inserted this whole North Korea section in the middle of the story with no regard for pacing, just so they could explain why later events happen,” responded Matilda.

Kim Jong-Un led them up the marble steps high above the square, and Matilda could now see the gathering North Korean masses ready to cheer them on. The communist Oompa-Loompa music came over the loudspeakers, and the parade began with a large float displaying an effigy of Agatha Trunchbull being burned alive by the great revolutionary minds.

“Oompa Loompa Doopity Doo. We built a nuclear weapon or two. Oompa Loompa DPRK. Follow the principles of Juche. What do you get when you split an atom? That makes a powerful nuclear bomb. The bomb will arrive, and no-one will survive. It’s Uranium 235. I don’t like the look of it,” sang the Oompa Loompas.

“I must execute Order No. 78.” Matilda whispered to George Kranky, whom she had brought with her. “Give my regards to Kimmy please,” she said with a grin. With that, Matilda leapt over the platform and landed in the streets below. A getaway car was waiting for her, and she hopped in.

“The Central Party Complex. And take the back street,” Matilda yipped. The driver slammed on the gas, despite there being no traffic in North Korea as barely anyone owns a car. They sped past cheering crowds at an unveiling of a statue of Matilda and Kim Jong-Un, and barely missed one of those North Korean crossing guards who does literally nothing.

“Give me the wheel, comrade. Do you even know where you’re going?” Matilda jumped through to the front seat and grabbed the wheel, hightailing it to the large, windowless block that was the Party Building. Matilda flew through the front window, shattering glass behind her. She raced up the steps and into the building, with security ignoring her because of her position as Supreme Leader Of The British Schoolchildren’s Revolution.

Now in order for Matilda to steal the ballistic missile, she had to retrieve one of the Keys To Communism that had been given to North Korea’s founder, Kim Il-Sung, by Stalin in 1954. It was a secret item unbeknownst to many, and was hidden deep within the bowels of the complex.

Just before Matilda reached the room holding the Key To Communism, she heard a loud patriotic screaming sound echoing through the halls behind her.

“Just where do you think you are going, O Supreme One? We must get back to the parade! Don’t make me unleash our secret high-tech-totally-not-made-up weapon upon you!” It was Ri Chun-Hee, North Korea’s most beloved television presenter. She pulled a red button labeled ‘Tiger Crossbows’ out of her pink dress.

“You don’t stand a chance, screaming pink lady,” Matilda whispered as she chopped Ri in half with a single swipe of her hammer and sickle.

“But what about our secret weapons! This isn’t over! Are they dinosaur robots or robot dinosaurs! You will die guessing…” Ri Chun-Hee yelled as she melted into the floor.

“Wow, using a plagiarized joke as your dying words? Really? Anyway, looks like it’s super destruction time for you,” Matilda said victoriously as she turned around and pushed the door open with her iron fist.

The Key To Communism was a red old-fashioned key, rusted with age that sat atop a clear pedestal. Matilda grabbed it, but soon realized that it was booby-trapped just like the idol in Indiana Jones & The Raiders Of The Lost Ark and in UHF. A massive boulder crashed through the ceiling and would have flattened Matilda had she not ducked quickly. She ran through a side room and into an exterior hallway, past propaganda posters advertising potatoes.

She then made it to the missile silo where North Korea’s most prized ballistic weapon was kept, but before she could do anything else, she heard the door slam behind her.

“You killed our nation’s most beloved woman. You do not deserve to live! How dare you take our weapons!” It was that one woman in the background of every North Korean speech, Kim Jong-Un’s sister, Kim Yo-Jong.

“Oh come on, not again,” sighed Matilda. “How many times do I have to do this!” She pulled out a blaster and disintegrated Kim Yo-Jong. “That was surprisingly anti-climactic.”

Matilda pressed the large yellow button entitled “release” and the missile blasted through a hole in the ceiling and into the clouds above.

“Now let’s blow this popsicle stand!” Matilda smiled with glee as she met her getaway car outside the complex.

When her getaway car arrived back at the parade, all hell had broken loose due to a float that had an electrical wiring issue. The large wax head of Kim Jong-Un had begun to melt in the ravenous flames, and thousands of screaming onlookers had rushed the stands.

“We need to get out of this joint!” Matilda yelled to her generals. “Hop in! We gotta get to the airport before they find out what we just did!”

Luckily, the Concorde had refueled and was ready for takeoff. The party crossed the tarmac at Pyongyang Airport and boarded the plane, with North Korean trucks trying to catch up.

“You could have just asked for it! We didn’t even finish the welcome party!!! Noooooo!!!” Kim Jong-Un howled as the plane took off into the late afternoon sky.

Chapter Text

Back on American soil, the plan was in motion. The original 2006 Broadway cast of “ The Drowsy Chaperone ,” written by Bob Martin & Don McKellar, and with libretto by Lisa Lambert & Greg Morrison had assembled into the theatre of East High. Beth Leavel, the original actress who played the coveted role of Drowsy Chaperone , was charleston-ing her way through the rows, holding her Tony Award© whilst doing so. The show was actually Matilda’s favorite, and she had always longed to play the role of Trix the Aviatrix, Queen of the Sky . Trix reminded her of Ms. Honey, in how the authors of this fanfiction have gay headcanons for both of them.

Anyhow, Matilda had assembled the cast for what she called “Operation Toledo Surprise.” Standing at the podium that the former principal used to give speeches as to why singing was strictly forbidden in the halls, she announced her magnificent creation, emulating the Grand High Witch from Norwegian Gangster Roald Dahl’s classic.

“Feldzieg!” Matilda bellowed. “I want you to put together your gangsters for the best show ever seen this side of the Mississippi!” Feldzieg, once a proud capitalist director straight from the depths of red-white & blue showbiz, was now ready to serve the Supreme Dear Leader Comrade Matilda. He had been a staunch convert to socialism due to George’s Marvelous Medicine, which had been given to all of the broadway stars in attendance.

“Whatever your highness commands!” Feldzieg whispered, twiddling his thumbs with pure joy. “Come on out boys and show us what you got!”

“Not yet, my dear comrade. We need to save the explosive ‘recipe’ for later,” Matilda exclaimed with a grin. “Now, where’s Kitty? Oh Kitty?”

“Yes Dear Leader! I am always ready to serve you,” Kitty The Flapper said with a thick Jersey-city accent.

“Perfect! Now you know what to do, don’t you?”

“Uh-huh! I’ll make ‘em say ‘good, oh yes-indeed-o!’ then I’ll execute the rest of the plan along with our comrades.”

“Yes, yes, just what we need. Now wait a minute! I seem to have forgotten. We don’t know the layout of the school very well. Where are Zac and Corbin? We need them for our plan!”

Just as this was occurring, Zac & Corbin were hiding out behind a set piece of a hill with some grass, composing a mashup of “We’re All In This Together,” and “The Soviet National Anthem.” They were shaken up after being eaten, but they remained devoted to the communist cause. As they heard Matilda beckoning to them, they jumped through the poorly-built wall and landed on stage. “At your service Supreme Leader!”

“Perfect. Now explain the layout, and we’ll put this plan in motion. We shall send our dear scout into the hallways to find Devall, then utilize the Red Calling Bird to execute the first stage of the plan. Then, our team will assemble in front of Devall and destroy him with our outstanding vocals and movement!”

It did not take long for the group to assemble inside the school’s air ducts and ceilings, and the scout, who happened to be Kristin Chenoweth from Wicked, quickly found Devall trying to solve his impossible Rubik's Cube in one of the classrooms.

“Hey there Devall! Don’t you want to learn how to be pop-uUuU-lar?!?!” Chenoweth belted.

“What? No, no, no! I hate Wicked! It’s so overused! Please god no!” Devall slammed his hands against his eardrums, as they began to bleed from hearing musical theatre.

This was the perfect opportunity for the Red Calling Bird to execute the first step. The ‘ Red Calling Bird ,’ as it was called by Matilda’s top-communist officials, was the stolen North Korean missile that carried a large capsule of confetti at its tip. The idea was that it would be launched by the Defense Minister Veruca Salt in London, and would make its way to East High and explode, causing even more confusion. It was now soaring over the Utah desert, about to make its final descent before explosion.

Having completed her duty, Kristin Chenoweth ran back to the others to be absorbed by the Matilda being. This would give Matilda much more power, as retaining a beloved Broadway star within herself would cause Devall to be even more weakened.

Then suddenly, the Red Calling Bird reached East High. It crashed into the gymnasium, where the sweaty singing of many basketball players asking Troy to get his head in the game could still be heard.

The confetti exploded in a blast of color, coating all of Salt Lake City with colorful streams of paper. The floor was dirtier than Devall’s elementary school cafeteria’s floor during popcorn day. The silence was deafening, but suddenly, two voices could be heard harmonizing.

“Chop the nuts, pound the dough,” sang the voices. Everyone in Salt Lake City heard this message, as it was being telepathically transmitted into their minds. “Bake it up, nice and slow.” The voices got louder. “Then you got a Toledo…” There was a short pause before a boom. “TOLEDO SURPRISE.”

Two giant mafia bosses disguised as pastry chefs descended on Salt Lake City. One of them grabbed James’s giant peach and began mauling everyone inside. “Pit the peach, peel the skin,” they exclaimed.

“Please, don’t let me die!” cried (former) President Donald John Trump.  
“Mush it up, throw it in!” replied the mafia bosses before ripping the reality TV host in half. All of their casualties were thrown into a big mixing bowl. They beat it up, then they sweeted it up. When the bodies tried to rise up and fight back, they wouldn’t let them.

“It’s a snap, try it folks, whip your whites, split your yolks!” They teared through enemy forces to make a splendido Toledo Surprise.
Suddenly, the two mafia chefs toppled over from exhaustion. The North Korean missile was of such poor quality that they had been poisoned by the radiation. All hope seemed lost. Matilda considered bringing out backup reserves from the cast of “How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying,” when she heard a loud screeching New Joisey accent.
“WHAT THAT HOT TOLEDO DOES TO MY LIBIDO! GOOD MMM YES INDEED-O SUGARY YUM YUM…SURPRISE!” Kitty from “The Drowsy Chaperone” had somehow been a stowaway in the nuke. While the two mafia bosses were actors and therefore negatively affected by high amounts of radiation, Kitty was actually a woman from the 1920s. Bob Martin and Don McKeller went back in time to get Kitty to join their show. Kitty was a real person, and swallowed lots of uranium when she was a child due to lax Gilded Age turn-of-the-century safety regulations. (Thanks Grover Cleveland!) This made her immune to radiation poisoning, and it actually strengthened her. Her hands glew bright green as she charged a blast of radiation that burst across the Salt Lake City skyline, obliterating everything in its path.

Then, the ground began to shake like a Magnitude 30 Earthquake, as Kitty grew to a size 20 times larger than a regular person, towering over the desert below. Salt Lake City was destroyed even further, being split in two by a massive chasm reaching deep below the surface of the earth. The Mormon Temple collapsed into a pile of debris, like a smushed anthill. She smashed her hand through the roof of the school, grabbing Devall in her mammoth glowing hands.

“I haven’t been this angry since prohibition,” exclaimed the now-deep voice of Kitty the Giant. “It is time for you to meet your end. The revolution will pave the way to our glorious socialist future!” She raised her other green hand in a salute to Matilda. Kitty then fashioned a large oven out of thin air, preparing to complete Operation Toledo Surprise. She opened it and shoved Devall in. Matilda called this phase Hansel and Gretel.

“You haven’t seen the last of me!” Devall banged on the door, his muffled screams barely audible. Kitty turned the heat dial to 1000 degrees celsius, and everyone’s ears within a 350 mile radius of Salt Lake popped. A hush fell over the crowd as they waited impatiently to see if the plan had worked. Three booms echoed across the now-destroyed landscape, and the massive oven door flew off the hinges, barely missing Matilda.

“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty,” the voice of Devall echoed. A massive marshmallow creature squeezed out of the oven, its plastic sailor suit gleaming in the afternoon sun. A cartoonish face was plastered over where Devall’s head once was. Kitty barely had time to react before the thing brought its searing hot, melty smores-like hand upon her. She disintegrated instantly. Devall bellowed with despicable laughter as he began to make his way towards the school, his eyes fixated on Matilda.

“God, it’s the epitome of capitalism!” Matilda cried as she motioned for her generals and communist forces to follow her. The party moved towards the heart of the city, and the only building still standing. Devall chased after them despite being extremely slow, crushing everything and everyone in his path.

“Devall, you forget something! I have one musical in my arsenal I haven’t used yet! Behold, HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS WITHOUT REALLY TRYING!”

Daniel Radcliffe slowly walked forward from behind Matilda, dressed in a suit and tie. “Attack, J. Pierrepont Finch!” shrieked Matilda.

“Matilda, I think you forgot something about this musical. It’s called How to Succeed in Business . And I play it-,” Radcliffe suddenly spun around and jabbed Matilda in the right eye with a ballpoint pen.
Radcliffe reached in, yoinking her eye completely out in a gush of blood, as Matilda screamed out phrases that the authors are technically allowed to write but will continue censoring in this bizarre way for the sake of consistency and because they think it’s funny.

“-the company way!”

Chapter Text

Matilda’s chief medical team of Ex-Soviet nuclear scientists ran to help her, but a horde of office workers surrounded her like she was a pot of coffee during Coffee Break. The office workers were either wearing suits or a strange red, black, and white striped outfit not in the correct size, but for some reason they called it a “dress.”

Matilda wasn’t able to reach out to any of the Broadway Cast of How to Succeed other than Daniel Radcliffe after an unfortunate incident in the training room involving a wood chipper, so she had to draw from a bunch of High Schoolers that were performing the show with a really low costume budget. The amateur actors whacked Matilda with their playbills made in Microsoft Paint, and the actor for Bud Frump was trying to strangle her with his knockoff Gucci belt.

The actor for Benjamin Burton Daniel Ovington was missing, as he was busy being a god, controlling every aspect of this universe to his whim. (This segment is actually being written by the other author, who went to see that show every night. She is currently in AP Lang during free write time and very bored).

That paragraph was a bit meta, so let’s get back to the actual story. Matilda was severely injured, fading in and out of consciousness as she was beaten down by a bunch of high schoolers. She pushed herself up and telepathically called on Danny to airdrop a coffee machine on the actor for Smitty’s head, mimicking the unfortunate incident which occurred during tech week. Danny quickly followed through, and dropped it, crushing a few members of the ensemble.

Matilda poured hot coffee out of the machine and started slinging it at people. The bubbling liquid scalded the actress for Ms Jones’ face, and she immediately began wailing with a high pitch reminiscent of her screechy solo in “Brotherhood of Man.” Matilda climbed up onto the Coffee Machine (which had wheels), and rode it through the mob, crushing her adversaries. She was losing a lot of blood and had to get to safety fast. It felt a little weird to have no right eye, so she grabbed the one olive from Hedy LaRue’s fake double martini and used it as a substitute. She pedaled back, hoping to get to her tent, but was stopped in her tracks by Radcliffe.
“Why are you leaving so soon, Matilda?” asked Radcliffe with his fake American accent. “After all, the fun’s only just begun!” He reached into his pocket pulling out a wand, reminiscent of his famous role as the main character of that one wizard series written by the TERF. “Expecto Patronum!” he shouted, summoning a spectral figure of Paul Dano, dressed as his character from Swiss Army Man.

Dano grabbed Radcliffe by his legs, swinging him around at Matilda to bite her with his sharp teeth. Matilda barely dodged out of the way, with bits of her hair slashed by Radcliffe. Radcliffe kept the hair in his mouth, and started spitting out little strands of hair at such high speeds, they were like sharp needles. Matilda used her psychic powers to stop the strands of hair in midair, and tied them together with a rope that she wrapped around Radcliffe’s neck in an attempt to choke him.

Radcliffe’s patronus vanished and he fell to the ground. He pulled a business card out of his jacket pocket, slicing through the hair. He apparated an accordion to him, hand signed by “Weird Al” Yankovic himself.
“Ooh my little hungry one, hungry one, open up a package of my bologna!” belted the British star as giant slides of the lunch meat started falling through the sky. One of them fell on a rooftop and immediately exploded. As Matilda watched this, another bologna bomb was headed straight towards her, and she noticed barely in time to dodge out of the way of the explosion. It left a 10 foot radius crater on the street and created a cloud of smoke.

“Why so scared?” asked the actor with a grin. “Just eat it!” Bologna continued to fall from the sky, blowing buildings to a crisp. Matilda dashed to get away from them, and Radcliffe chased after with a smile stretching across his face. Matilda turned into a nearby alley, but stopped at a dead end.
“Looks like this is the end of the road for you! Wingardium Leviosa!” Radcliffe shouted as he lifted a gigantic Bologna bomb hovering a hundred feet above the street.
“No, Daniel,” responded Matilda. “You’re the one who will be meeting their end! It’s LeviOsa not LeviosA!”. Matilda used her psychic powers to grab Radcliffe and fling him upwards, flying through the sky towards his own Bologna bomb. He screamed as his head made contact with the deadly lunch meat, and a gigantic explosion burst high above Salt Lake City while the beloved actor was blown to bits.

Unfortunately for Matilda, she wasn’t used to using her psychic powers on a scale like this before, and she was completely exhausted. Her forces had only barely managed to hold back the cast of How to Succeed. If she kept pushing through this battle, she would only achieve a Pyrrhic Victory. Devall’s demise would have to be left for another day.

“Fall back, comrades!” Matilda commanded, climbing into her old Soviet-built spaceship and blasting off back towards Jolly Old England. Unfortunately, she had no idea the danger that awaited her back home.

Chapter Text

The spaceship crashed into the ground with the force of the Tsar Bomba, triggering a massive earthquake that was powerful enough to shake the Earth to its core. Matilda and her soot-dusted entourage kicked down the door and stepped out onto the streets of London, noticing fiery gobs of molten lava ooze from cracks in the road as the impact had caused the mantle and crust to collapse. Matilda noticed a passing taxi, and flagged it down.

“It’s Chuesday, innit?” Matilda screeched from the curb. The mini-cooper came to a dead stop and the driver emerged, a doppelg ä nger of long-deposed Prime Minister Dave Cameron.

“Not you! I refuse to battle Dodgy Dave!” Matilda sighed as she produced a freeze ray from her coat pocket. “This’ll put a stop to your lies for good!” An icy beam sped through the barrel and into the former M.P., transforming him into a human popsicle. The group hopped into the tiny car, and Matilda hit the gas. Her loss of vision caused the car to swerve and drive on the right side of the road, causing total panic among the policemen. They tried to chase the vehicle down Abbey Road in Boris Johnson’s red Brexit bus, but had their tires put out by a sniper in cahoots with the rebel forces. As Matilda’s car faded into the distance of downtown London, the traffic guards flailed their batons, cursing her existence.

Matilda’s taxi pulled into the courtyard of the barely-intact Buckingham palace and raced up the stairs to the State Dining Room. She removed the teapot in the center, revealing a button that when pressed, tore apart the table, exposing an elevator. Matilda climbed in and descended, deep in the depths below London. The elevator reached the bottom, then started moving horizontally across the city until she was beneath Westminster Abbey.

This was a special summoning room used by all former British Monarchs, absorbing each other into the creature which is now known as Matilda. After their coronation, they would use this room to absorb the power of their predecessors and join the hive mind that was The British Crown.
Matilda stood in the center of a glowing red pentagram, chanting a secret chant passed down for generations in the royal family.

“I’m Peppa Pig,” she whispered. “Oink.” As Matilda’s nostrils flared to make a squeal, the souls of famous Britons began to emerge from their graves. “This is my brother George. Oink.” The souls of the dead were drawn closer and closer to Matilda. “This is Mommy Pig. Oink.” The spirits swirled into a gray mist as the full might of the British Empire surrounded her. “And this is Daddy Pig.” Matilda prepared for her final oink. “OINK!” A gust of wind blasted towards her with the souls seeping into her, filling Matilda with terrifying new power.

Isaac Newton, Charles Darwin, Anne of Cleves (Ja!) and Rudyard Kipling all became part of this wretched being. It was once a normal schoolgirl, but was now corrupted past the point of no return. Matilda kept absorbing more and more British people, becoming more and more powerful. The olive became part of her, and she was able to see out of it. The green and red glowed at its brightest yet. Her wounds were completely healed.

Matilda rode the elevator back to the surface at Buckingham palace and climbed atop the Hammer and Sickle flagpole raised over the city. She gazed over the wondrous land that she had conquered.

Perched atop London, Matilda finally took in how much of a mess her country had become while she was away on the war effort. Liz Truss, the prime minister of the conservative rebels, had been murdered by a talking lettuce, sending the anti-communists into a destructive frenzy across the country. Even after being transformed into a communist utopia, it was still England, and some problems can truly never be solved, such as being the worst country in the history of the world.

“Hop in, Comrade!” She looked up and noticed a Bond-esque helicopter flying above, piloted by the Minister of Defense, Veruca Salt.

“Ah, Tovarich Veruca. How kind of you to come,” Matilda exclaimed with a grin, yelling over the sound of the whooshing blades. Minister Salt let down a rope ladder over the side, and Matilda climbed up and through the window. She hopped into the passenger seat, taking control of the built-in machine gun as the chopper set course for Big Ben.

As the craft neared the clocktower, Matilda used her psychic powers to collapse the roof of the Palace of Westminster, disrupting an emergency meeting of the House of Commons. She watched with glee as the MP’s scurried like ants before being trampled. Matilda pressed a large red button labeled EJECT and a series of missiles dropped into the chamber, obliterating a visiting Theresa May in the process.

“That was the last we’ll ever have to hear about your strong and stable leadership!” Matilda cackled as she turned her weaponry to the elaborate hands of the clock, shattering it into a million tiny pieces. The broken glass and wrought metal fell below and crushed onlooking civilians, splattering them in red flecks amongst the traffic.

Veruca floored the acceleration and the helicopter zipped through the gaping hole in Big Ben, setting down on a landing pad imprinted with a large red star. The two emerged from the helicopter and gazed at the view from the shell of the clocktower, which had now become a fully-fledged base of operations for the communists. The great Bell of Big Ben had been melted down to create a statue of the glorious leader.

Across the lava-ridden landscape, the ruins of Buckingham Palace still stood, and revolutionary mobs had looted its rooms, burning them in a large pyre in the center of the city. Paintings of Winston Churchill were incinerated with petrol and flame as the crowd cheered on, singing The Internationale.

Matilda’s eye fell on the Thames river, as she realized what the Tories had been planning this whole time. Rishi Sunak and other members of cabinet were on London Bridge, dumping bags of communist pounds emblazoned with Matilda’s face into the now-toxic river, which was radioactive from a nuclear spill caused by anarchists in Yorkshire.

“We’ve got to stop that man! We’ve got to stop that man, cold! Or he’ll stop me!” Matilda yelled to her generals as she jumped into the helicopter, flooring it. It accelerated upwards and smashed the roof of Big Ben off, making a beeline for London Bridge.

Since the communist armies had been merged by the late Queen Elizabeth II into a singular, semi-demonic hive mind, the masses of soldiers followed Matilda’s trail and surrounded Sunak and other rebels, their red banners waving.

The chopper stopped midair above the bridge, and Matilda, Veruca, and other officials slid down a rope suspended from the landing skids. The communists had drawn their weapons, ready to obliterate the conservative party from the face of the earth.

“Stand down, for once.” Matilda hushed. “Let’s be a little diplomatic. Rishi, we’ll give you one last chance to join our great revolution. We’d prefer not to murder fellow Englishmen.”

“We will never quit. Unlike my predecessor, I am a fighter, not a quitter.” Rishi and the other M.P’s turned, jumping off the railings and into a getaway boat below. The bridge slowly began to sway in the wind, as pieces of concrete and metal wiring fell from above. The road itself began to split in two, creaking toward the Thames.

“It’s a trap! London Bridge is down!” Matilda crowed as she motioned for the idle helicopter to return. She was able to crawl up the decaying structure and into the cockpit, but the rest were not as lucky. Let’s just say that Veruca and most of the Soviets met a watery, chemically, toxic end.

“Operation Yorkshire Pudding has been put into motion!” Rishi Sunak told the other rebels as the motorboat reached the mouth of the river. “Matilda will never see what’s coming to her!”

It was a dark day for the communists, as the rebellion had made it clear they wouldn’t go down without a fight.

Chapter Text

The rebel forces had converged upon J.K. Rowling’s hideout nestled in the English countryside. Following months of seclusion and consulting the Sorting Hat, she had used her transphobia to give herself the power of dark magic. She was Rishi Sunak’s last chance to save Britain from the communists.

“Ah, I’ve been expecting you.” Rowling smirked at the Tories as they arrived, emerging from her Hagrid hut.

“Today was a victory for us. She’s had a major setback, losing her Defense Minister and most of her military power.” Sunak knelt down and kissed Rowling’s hand as a sign of respect. “I must say, I’ve loved all of your books. It’s a shame they tried to cancel you on Twitter!”

“Yes, everyone’s always out to get me. I can’t believe they’re calling me such awful words like ‘TERF’, yuck! All I did was platform people that compared trans women to blackface actors!” Rowling scowled. “Enough of that. Let me show you around our base of operations.” Joanne led the party into the hut, cauldrons of bubbling liquids suspended from above. “This is where I’ve been developing magical weapons of mass destruction.”

“Your contributions to the cause are greatly appreciated. I would like to appoint you general of the conservative forces,” Sunak explained. “If it wasn’t for your destruction spell, we would’ve been annihilated back at the bridge.”

“I’ve been developing my weaponry to even greater heights. Allow me to show you.” She led the group into a glass elevator stolen from cannibalist-capitalist Willy Wonka’s factory. It flew down a darkened, rocky chasm and into a large chamber illuminated with thousands of torches. They emerged, and were greeted by hundreds of goblins taken from Gringotts Bank.

“The army has been trained and is now at your command. Would you like to rally the forces?” A gollum-esque creature squeaked at Rowling.

“But there is no such force!” Rishi protested. “What army could you possibly have?”

It was at this moment that the rally cry of a million schoolchildren was heard echoing throughout the chamber. Each child was equipped with a freeze ray and a shield made from scrap metal. A single tear slid down Rishi’s cheek as Rowling beamed from ear to ear.

“They have been trained for a single purpose, my dear. To war!” The author’s cry reverberated off the walls as the children raised their fists in joy. “It’s really quite simple, Mr. Prime Minister. Why make my own army when I can just pretend I’m with theirs! I’ve been pretending to have been brainwashed by George’s Marvelous Medicine this whole time, and lured millions of devoted Potterheads to my village.”

Suddenly, the ceiling of the chamber began to open, with the sound of mechanical gears whirring above. Sunlight shined through the gap and the army scaled ladders to reach the surface. The group left the platform and raced back to the glass elevator, speeding upward through the terrain. It went much faster than normal, as J.K. Rowling had accidentally pressed the wrong button in all of the excitement. The elevator smashed through the top of the hut and soared into the air, thousands of feet above the countryside.

“What a nice view we have!” cried John Bercow.

“Or-DUH, Or-DUH! Don’t ruin the moment with your commentary, Mr. Former Speaker!” Rowling said calmly. The army of children were marching towards a nearby village, which was also the new headquarters for the fake rebel forces. The citizens, hungry for socialism, greeted them with thundrous cheers. “Now!” shouted Rowling. “Who wants Firewhiskey!”

“They’re not old enough to even…” Bercow protested.

“Don’t tell me how to run my village. I’m the general now, remember?” Joanne scoffed. The glass elevator was now descending from the sky, as the villagers continued to applaud. When they reached the ground, Rowling stepped out onto a red carpet and waved.

“We’re here to save you from the evils of communism. Now it’s time to convert everyone in England to our cause!” Rishi Sunak said into a megaphone. The crowd’s cheering switched to frightened screams as large cauldrons were placed in the center of town on forklifts. Walls shot out from under the ground, blocking those who tried to escape. General Rowling pulled a wand from her pocket and began to chant incantations. A gross, liquid slime known as Ribena began to appear inside the pots, and purple mist spilled over the top, shrouding the crowd in a haze.

“This will turn you all into capitalist zombies, ready to fight ‘til your last breath for the cause.” Joanne snickered as the magic began to take hold. People began to complain about the government taxing their pensions and inheritances, and Sunak knew it had worked. The transformation was complete.

Chapter Text

Back in London, the communists were recovering from the largest defeat since the onset of the revolution. Matilda had lost most of her army and her Defense Minister. Her psychic powers were weakened and she had lost an eye in the fight with Radcliffe. In order to continue the fight and achieve her goal of world domination, she would need to conceive a plan that would destroy the rebels to the point of no return.

In order to think on her plans, she ordered a special meditation chamber built where sh e could recharge her psychic powers and plot. She took a single glass of water into the room with her, and had the stainless-steel door locked.

After hours of deliberation, Matilda emerged from the room with a smirk, her olive-eye glowing.

“What is it, your grandness?” A henchmen asked.

“We’re going to kidnap Willy, Katey, & Camilla!” Matilda screeched. The entire room erupted into a frenzy, as thousands of workers cheered the glorious idea.

“What are your orders?” Danny, the champion of the world whispered diabolically. He had been appointed new Vice General of the now-defunct army follow Minister Salt’s demise.

“We know Will & Kate have been making their last stand at Balmoral Castle. That old bat Camilla’s there too. If we can catch them when they least expect it, we can use it against the rebels. Nobody would ever want their precious Willy and Katy to be hurt, would they?”

“Certainly not. I doubt they’d care about Camilla, though,” piped up a voice from the crowd.

Matilda chuckled with demonic laughter. “She’s just for fun! Release the birds!”

It was at this moment that a large bird cage was opened and flocks of robotic, communist crows flew out in droves, their red eyes glowing. Matilda raised up her hand as the crows flew off, hanging onto their claws as they soared across the British countryside. After about an hour, they arrived at the castle. Matilda karate-kicked through the window and broke the glass of Kate’s bedroom, hitting a maid right in the head who died on the spot. The maid fell over on the ground, bleeding all over Kate’s bedside table, knocking over her beloved lip gloss. The room seemed empty, but Matilda heard a muffled voice coming from behind the bed.  

“I simply cannot believe that they would do that to my beloved lip gloss! First Meghan asks to borrow it and now it’s ruined!”

“Keep it down, my dear,” said another voice.

Matilda raced over to the antique bed and ripped off the headboard, revealing Will and Kate crouched in the shadows as if they were reenacting Gilo Pontecorvo’s Battle For Algiers . She grabbed a desk chair that had once belonged to Queen Victoria and slammed it against the wall, shattering it into millions of tiny pieces. Will and Kate screamed. Matilda took this opportunity, pulling out a net and throwing it over the fallen couple.

“Please let us go!” Will screamed as his bald head shined in the afternoon sunlight streaming in from the window overlooking the garden.

“Where’s Camilly?” Matilda’s raspy voice echoed throughout the room.

“Sh-she’s listening to her favorite band!” stuttered William. “Just please don’t hurt my family! I never liked Camilla in the first place, you know.”

“It’s too late, my dearie. At this moment, Prince George, Prince Louis and Princess Charlotte are being indoctrinated by the communist powers to fight for the great motherland. Just watch this video!” Matilda pointed to the royal’s 300 inch - I’m sorry, 762 centimeter telly. The little children were in one of Matilda’s re-education centers. “Thanks Kimmy for the great deals on these places!” The now-communist television presenter Piers Morgan screamed.

“Hello, Mummy and Daddy!” said Prince George. “I think that maybe we don’t need multiple castles, we could have just one, and it doesn’t need to be that big! I also think we shouldn’t spend taxpayer pounds on Marmite© for us children.”

“NOOO YOU TRAITOR TO THE CROWN!” shouted Kate. “I NEED MY MARMITE© EVERY DAY!”

“Now, hanging out with you folks has been fun, but I’m afraid I have to monitor your step-mum, Willy boy. Cheerio!” Matilda strolled out of the bedroom after calling for backup forces to keep William and Kate secured, which wasn’t much of a challenge because William was so weak that he would probably lose a fight against one of Liz’s corgis.

Matilda waltzed down the faded 1800s-style hallway decorated with hundreds of dead deer (thanks again Vicky!) and opened a door labeled “gamers only.”

It was Camilla’s gamer pad. After the war destroyed the palace, she became quite the popular twitch streamer, acting as a Vtuber under the username VivatRegina in order to conceal her identity.

“Shoutout to DisgustedPikachu for the 20 gift subs! We’ve met our sub goal for the day so I think it’s time for me to sing my signature song! Alright kiddies, you can get out of your prison cell now!” Camilla opened the closet where about thirty British schoolchildren were tied up and gagged without food or water. Camilla ripped the duct tape off of their mouths and started to conduct them as they prepared to sing Vivat Regina Camilla.

“Not so fast! I’m afraid that’ll have to wait!” Matilda screamed as she retrieved her Freeze-Ray from a pocket, taking aim at the once-proud Queen Consort.

“Nice try, deary, but my heart was already as cold as ice, so that won’t work! I mean, did you see how I acted back in the ‘90s when Diana died? I got married to Charles only a few years later!” Camilla used the children as human shields, chucking them at Matilda.

“You want to do it the hard way? Two can play at that game!” Matilda responded within seconds, picking up a child and swinging it as if she were the batsman in a game of cricket (not baseball, good heavens no, this is the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland). Matilda’s child hit Camilla’s weaker and more scrawnier one, knocking the young boy back at Camilla and hitting her square in the face. That did it for what teeth she had left.

“I broke my glasses!” complained the schoolboy.

“Shut up Piggy!” Camilla yelled, making a poor attempt at a Lord of the Flies reference. She ripped off the boy's leg so that she could more effectively use it as a club. She spun around the room like she was getting ready to toss Amanda Thripp Trunchbull-style. (Throwback!). Matilda expertly limboed underneath the spinning boy's leg, and while under it, placed her hands on the leg and was able to spin it back to her side. She jumped up and thrusted the boy’s trainers into Camilla’s side, pinning her against the closet with a leg ripping right through her chest.

“Crikey!” said Camilla. “Welp, signing off, everybody! Let’s get a big F in the chat!” She slumped over, dying as she leaned over her gamer chair and hit her keyboard to bring up the BRB screen. Her pink kitty headphones fell to the ground.

“You know, I was going to hold her hostage, but nobody would care about Camilla anyways! At least I can turn all of her choir members and Twitch subs into loyal communists!”

“Your imperial grandness!” A voice screeched from the hallway. Matilda rushed to the bedroom where she had left Will and Kate to find her generals surrounding the couple, except for the fact that Will and Kate were completely unconscious.

“We injected them with Cadbury so they should be good for a couple hours! All they did was kick and scream like Gavin Newsom finding out his boating license has been revoked.”

“Perfect. Now let’s load them up onto the birdies and fly south.” Matilda jumped up into the air, blasting through the ceiling and onto the roof where her cabal of robot birds eagerly waited. Her generals hoisted the net with Will and Kate onto the back of a particularly large one, a bird that strangely resembled an eagle from the Lord of the Rings and Hobbit series. The rest of the party got onto their own, and they took off into the afternoon Scottish sun. In accordance with Matilda’s orders, Balmoral was obliterated into a pile of ash and rubble, and with that, the last symbol of the monarchy was wiped from existence.

Chapter Text

It didn’t take long to arrive back in the capital. Once the group arrived at Big Ben, Will & Kate were put into two Sensory Deprivation tanks. Matilda had the largest television cameras ever manufactured in the UK pointed directly at the two prisoners while Jumbotron-style screens were set up across the country. With the press of a large red button, the signal was activated, broadcasting the image of the imprisoned royals all over the nation.

Just at this moment, Rishi Sunak, John Bercow, and J.K. Rowling were assembling the converted rebel forces just north of Worcestershire. The sun had just set, and the extremely luminous glow of a large television screen lit up the night sky. They turned their heads toward the light, watching in terror as Will and Kate were attached to a stretcher. J.K. Rowling’s face turned the palest shade of white known to man, and Rishi Sunak screamed in anguish as the events played out on the screen. Rebel supporters across the nation collapsed in pain, blinded by the horror before them. This was just as Matilda had planned, and it was just the beginning.

Gleaming with pride for the success of her plot, Matilda took center stage before the television cameras, blocking Will & Kate from view. She ordered a large meat grinder wheeled in, and had it placed next to a cage where the two captives now were. An Oompa-Loompa, heavily decorated with Soviet-era medals, pushed in a wheel stolen from the set for the USSR version of The Wheel of Fortune ©. Rather than cash prizes, different torture methods had been scribbled over the multicolored wheel. For the last surprise, a large metal door slid open, and out walked Dr. Phil McGraw of Daytime TV fame, except this Dr. Phil was even tanner than ever with a red star pin attached to his lapel.

“Okay, let’s spin the wheel to see whether or not Will and Kate are sent to the ranch!” Dr. Phil said excitedly.

“Not today, Phil. Remember, the torture methods we’re using here are strictly old-fashioned. We wouldn’t want to use modern-day capitalist torture methods, such as conversion therapy and abusive teen centers here!” Matilda screeched over the intercom.

“My bad, just a force of habit. Now, let’s see, my dear audience, what game are we about to play?” The camera panned over to some newly built stands filled to the brim with communist Oompa-Loompas.

“WHEEL! OF! TORTURE!” The crowd erupted with a cheer the likes of the cries of 100,000 roman spectators watching a lion bite a gladiator’s head off.

“That’s right! And here to spin our wheel is Ms. Vanna White!” Dr. Phil screamed as Vanna White was escorted onstage by two armed guards, her mouth duct-taped shut. Then The Wheel of Fortune © theme began to play as she spinned the wheel, which also doubled as the spiked wheel in case someone needed to be tortured in that particular manner. The picker landed on a spot labeled “Our Producer’s Choice,” and the crowd ooh-ed and ah-ed in anticipation. “You know what that means, everybody,” Dr. Phil whispered into the mic.

“It’s my choice today, and boy do I have a good one!” Matilda appeared before the television cameras holding a small red envelope. “Before I open this and tell you what’s inside, I’d like to give one last opportunity for Rishi Sunak and the rebel forces to surrender before I wipe them and everything they hold dear from the face of the earth.”

Back in the countryside, Rowling, Sunak, and Bercow were gripped with intense panic. They knew that if Will & Kate died, the spirit of the rebellion would die out, and that all hope of defeating Matilda would be lost.

“Look here, my dears,” J.K. Rowling said into a megaphone before the army she had amassed. “We must go to London now, if we are to have any hope of rescuing our beloved royal couple.”

“That’s impossible! We’d never make it in time, your grandness. We’re miles away!” Rishi Sunak got to his knees and began to weep.

“Oh shut up and look here,” Rowling grabbed him by the collar and shoved him off the platform where they had gathered. “I’ve still got one last trick up my sleeve.” Right when Matilda was opening the envelope on live television, Rowling whipped out her wand and a puff of green smoke enveloped the crowd. Thousands of what appeared to be broomsticks materialized in the air above. “I give you all the Nimbus 2000!”

The crowd yelled a fierce battle cry as Rishi Sunak wept even harder, but this time out of disbelief and surprise.

“If we all take one of these and leave now, we can be at Big Ben HQ in no time.” Rowling said triumphantly. “Now who’s with me?” The army roared, and in the blink of an eye every soldier was on a broomstick, thanks to Joanne’s sorcery. The fleet of capitalist schoolchildren, former MPs, and one fake ginger author zipped off into the blue, headed directly for London.

Back at the TV studio, Will & Kate had awoken from their Cadbury-induced nap. Still standing before the camera, Matilda opened the red envelope containing her torture choice. Suspense filled the room.

“Looks like it’s Haggis!” Matilda chuckled the most diabolical and demonic laugh ever heard by any human being, ever. “Bring out the big guns, boys!”

“No, God, please don’t!” Will and Kate screamed in terror as they were pulled from the cage, and suspended by ropes attached to their earlobes over the cavity of a squeaky-clean (but not for long) meat grinder. Matilda pressed a large yellow button and the grinder turned on, simultaneously lowering Will and Kate into the spinning blades below. Dr. Phil, duct-taped Vanna White, Matilda, and the entire crowd screamed as a spray of red soaked the audience with a thin coating of blood. They cheered louder as the delicious taste of a fresh sacrifice was fresh in the air.

“GOOD LORD!” shouted Will and Kate as their legs were ground up and encased in sheep intestines. Just as Matilda’s cranking reached all the way up to their waists, a large crash was heard. It was Rowling, Sunak, Bercow, and the army of Potterheads! John Bercow slammed into Big Ben, making the hole in the roof even larger, then bouncing off of what was left of the bell and kicking Dr. Phil right in his head.

“My beautiful bowling ball of a head!” cried Dr. Phil. “You’ll pay for this!” He pointed a TV remote at the former speaker and pressed play. Suddenly, Bercow felt strange, as if his body were collapsing in on himself. When he tried to reorient himself, he was in a wide open plain full of cows and teenagers as far as the eye could see. “ORDAH ORDAH!” he shouted. “What’s going on here?”

Bercow ran towards the horizon, but then he found himself next to a farmhouse exactly like the one he just passed. He looked backwards but he couldn’t see the earlier area he was in. It seemed as if he were in an identical replica.

“How’s it going, Mr. Speaker?” Bercow heard the piercing voice of Dr. Phil shaking the ground. “I sucked you into this pocket dimension I can create! Pretty neat, huh? Once you’re in my ranch, the only way to escape is to be the last person standing, as I make ‘troubled teens’ fight to the death! And the best part of this is that however long you stay in here, time doesn’t move forward in the real world! Now get him!”

Suddenly, all of the teenagers in the ranch started charging at Bercow. He knew the only way to beat them all would be to use his ultimate power. He pulled out the cup of Earl Grey tea in his coat pocket and chugged it, inhaling and preparing for the loudest scream of his life.

“ORDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!” shouted Bercow with such a force that all of the teenagers in the ranch instantly exploded at the cost of destroying Bercow’s lungs. Just as he was happy to win, he felt the very boundaries of the ranch shaking.

“You fool, what have you done?” shouted Dr. Phil. Back in Big Ben, no time had passed at all, but everyone started shaking as a sort of black hole began to form, growing larger and larger. Everyone tried to run, but the sucking force pulled them in. The void grew until it swallowed all of Big Ben, then fizzled out.

The tower had been sucked from one dimension into another, falling through the open portal and onto the fertile grasslands, lying on its side.

“No, no no, this is bad, real bad!” explained Dr. Phil. “Now, the only way for any of us to get out is if we are the last person standing!”

“Last person standing?” asked J.K. Rowling.

“Yes that’s exactly what I was-” Dr. Phil was interrupted by Rowling’s magic twisting his head around and around until his head popped right off. Rowling turned to her shocked ally.

“I’m terribly sorry about what I’m going to do to you Rishi, but you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.”

“What do you-” the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom felt his legs sink in to the ground, falling deeper and deeper until he was suffocated in the Earth, head barely above the ground.

“You see, I’ve got to be the real hero. You are a cute little boy, and I’m going to rule the world. You see, the Harry Potter books were just a ploy the entire time, I needed to distract people from my real goal of world domination. It’s been my destiny from the beginning, now I must fulfill it!” She placed her foot directly onto Sunak’s head, delivering the final push herself.

The crowd gasped in shock, even Matilda, who was surprised at the real cruelty of Rowling. She knew she had to defeat her.

“I knew you were bad, but not that bad. If you weren’t such a pain in the behind, I’d ask you to rule the world with me. It’s a shame you’re terribly transphobic.” Matilda then turned to Will and Kate. “I’m sorry, dears, but it seems there’s been a change in plans. I’m not holding you hostage anymore.”

“Why that’s wonderful news-AAAAAH!” exclaimed Will and Kate as Matilda again turned on the haggis making machine. They were ground up into little balls of haggis. Matilda started fiddling with her haggis machine, shifting it into a sort of rifle, and lobbed a piece of haggis at deadly speeds towards Rowling. Rowling picked up Vanna White and used her as a human shield, the haggis piercing through White’s head. Rowling then turned to her army of Potterheads and began to throw them at Matilda, hoping that one of them would potentially weaken her with the brute force impact of their short and pudgy bodies slamming into her head.

“Take this, you commies!” Rowling chuckled as her Potterhead ammunition screamed in terror.

Matilda pressed another button on her machine, changing it into a sucking void of wind, pulling all of the Potterheads into the grinder of the haggis machine and filling it with new ammunition.

As Matilda prepared her deadly weapon, Rowling cast a spell on the Elizabeth Tower. The stonework and gears of this enormous clock shifted into an enormous humanoid robot with Rowling sitting inside of Big Ben, with that enormous bell as the cockpit.

“You’re going to absorb me, I bet. If I lose, this won’t be the end of me.” Rowling smirked and laughed in a cocky manner, further enraging Matilda. This caused Matilda to transform into her Henry VIII form, levitating straight up into the air and chucking large axes the size of football fields at Rowling’s mech. Of course, Rowling saw this coming, as she had memorized every one of Matilda’s forms and their abilities, and was able to quickly dodge these flying axes. Matilda turned back into her usual form, again summoning the haggis grinder, but this time, she was out of ammunition, as her fuel had long since been used up. She looked at the ground below and spotted what was left of her communist forces, who were at the moment trying to scale Big Ben. Rowling was picking them off, one by one, like fleas from a gorilla’s back. When she had finished, Rowling again turned her gaze back to Matilda. Matilda quickly grabbed up the carcasses of her fallen comrades and shoved them into the meat gun.

Rowling then charged up a punch and aimed towards the ground where Matilda stood, turning some grazing cows into burgers in the process. Matilda had no time to dodge it, but she had a trick up her sleeve. She shapeshifted into her Margaret Thatcher form and activated a special ability, Iron Lady . Her skin turned to metal and she was able to barely withstand the colossal force that struck the ground, creating a massive crater and sending shrapnel flying that knocked the Oompa Loompas clean out. Matilda ran to the Oompa Loompas and shoved them in her haggis machine, picking up new ammo.

She took aim at the joint that the robot’s arm used up on the shoulder and fired. The shot was right on mark, and the arm’s movement stuttered. Rowling tried to move her arm again, but it was jammed. Matilda took this time to sprint up the arm of the tower, but she forgot about the robot’s other arm and was struck in the side. Matilda went flying so far that she went over the horizon and ended up back on the other side of the ranch, landing onto the side of the arm that hit her. She stuck the pointed barrel of her haggis rifle into the side of that arm and hung on it.

Matilda started to swing back and forth until she got enough momentum to let go and soar into the air. Matilda then used her psychic powers to bring the rifle back to her and took aim in midair, firing a volley of haggis bullets right at the heart of the robot. Matilda fell back to the ground, sliding along while standing on top of the gun to break her fall. She then jumped off of the gun and shifted back into Thatcher turning her hand into iron in order to punch a hole through the bottom of the machine. She pulled her gun back again with telekinesis. She wall jumped up the hull of the tower, grabbing onto the pendulum and using its swing to gain upward momentum. She placed her rifle between the gears, where she could jam them and use the bar to pull herself up, standing just beneath the cockpit. She fired off her meat bullets upwards, bursting through the ceiling and hitting the bell of Big Ben with Rowling in it, sending her soaring off into the sky, clanging back and forth within the bell all the way, making an enormous clanging noise.

The bell landed into the earth with such a force that it created a crater that eclipsed the whole of the ranch. Without its driver, the mech collapsed, sliding across the ground as Matilda stood on the spot where its head once stood. The mech came to a stop so that Matilda stood directly above Rowling, who lay defeated but with a large grin.

“Well I suppose it’s time to become a part of you. I may have to fight for your reprehensible cause, but at least my soul will stay alive in some form!” Rowling whispered.

“No, Rowling. You won’t get the freedom of joining me, of becoming anew and being granted a new shot at life. I refuse to absorb you. I may have absorbed Margaret Thatcher, but I draw the line at J.K. Rowling. I don’t need your power. You’ll be forced to rot in the space between dimensions for eternity.” Matilda charged up the largest sack of haggis she could carry, and shot it directly into Rowling’s open mouth.

“Nooooooooo!!” Rowling’s scream was cut short as an enormous amount of meat was jammed down her esophagus with such a force that her throat burst and her head fell down to Matilda’s side, where she kicked it into the air like a soccer ball.

“The rebel forces are destroyed. I must now return to the real world, stronger than ever.” Matilda shut her one eye, and her other olive eye glowed with the light of a thousand suns. A portal opened up into the sky above the ranch, and Matilda concentrated, floating up into the air and through the blackish-purplish void. She thought she was flying upwards, but soon realized that she was falling through the depths of space and time, and slowly drifted out of consciousness.

Matilda found herself in the remains of London, where that once iconic tower once stood. She had conquered the United Kingdom, but her army was in shambles. In fact, it was nonexistent, as what was left of it was all used up in the fight against Rowling. Matilda realized if she was going to win this war and rule the world, she was going to have to do it alone. Instead of succumbing to despair, she grinned. Her olive eye glowed and she felt more powerful than ever. All that was left to do was to finish off Mr. Devall herself, fighting for communism, her own regime, and most importantly, the right of students to spend their creative writing time making violent Matilda fanfics.

Chapter Text

Back in America, the interdimensional entity known as Mr. Devall had been recharging following the stalemate at the Battle of Salt Lake City. The casts of How To Succeed & The Drowsy Chaperone had been spared in the battle with Matilda, but Devall had absorbed them all in order to give himself more energy. This also had the effect of making him more resistant to musicals, increasing the strength he so desperately needed. His goal was not just world domination, but universal domination, and the first step would be to wipe Matilda and communism from the face of the planet, not to mention creative writing.

Rather than waste his time on the West Coast, where the numerous battles with Matilda had made uninhabitable for any life (including Devall), he had retreated to his native habitat in Baltimore, Maryland. He enslaved all the crabs in the Chesapeake Bay, brainwashed those pesky, invasive zebra mussels, and had turned an Old Bay © factory into his base of operations. Within that factory, he took the citizens of Baltimore, some of whom were his former students, merging them with the Chesapeake wildlife to create something straight out of Pirates of the Caribbean ©. Devall plotted his revenge, biding his time while playing his beloved Rubik’s Cube ©. After completing a 5x5 in less than a minute, he slammed the cube on the desk.

“I can’t just waste my time idling like this! The first step to conquering the Earth is to conquer Washington DC, the last stronghold of Matilda’s American Empire! After that, we’ll take the fight to London, and at last I will be the ruler of the universe and no fifth grader will ever write silly stories about Roald Dahl characters during indoor recess ever again!”

“My lord, Washington DC is too well defended,” said Mrs. Biggley, who was Devall’s top advisor from his teaching days. “It would take a force of thousands to conquer it!”

“Tens of thousands.”

“But my lord there is no such force!” Devall opened the windows of his office and Biggley gasped, looking at the city before them, filled with hideous creatures known as Baltimorons.

“You see Biggley, my top scientists that formerly worked on the MK-Ultra program devised a new concoction made out of Old Bay ©, ground up Rubik’s Cubes ©, and those crappy pretzel sticks that I would keep in the back of the classroom. Now all 500,000 Baltimorons are under my control.” Devall walked outside to greet his horde of rabid followers.

“These coming days will be spilt with the blood of Matilda!” Devall cried diabolically as the stands of Camden Yards erupted with cheers, the former Orioles © stadium having been turned into the rally arena. The cries of hundreds of thousands of mutant Baltimoreans shook the stadium with such a force that tremors were felt up and down the East Coast.

“To war!” the newly-created army screamed in unison.

Chapter Text

Following days of regenerating her strength and diabolically plotting within the shell of what was once known as the city of London, Matilda sprung into action, harnessing her psychic powers to rip open a hole in time and space. She stepped through into the void, and for a few milliseconds, her whole life flashed before her eyes, conjuring up memories of the days gone by. Before she could reminisce about her defeat of Agatha Trunchbull, the portal closed, leaving her standing on a sunny beach, the wind blowing through the palm trees.

“This isn’t what I meant when I said ‘The South,’” Matilda exclaimed. “I meant the soggy and damp backwoods, not the pristine white beaches of the Caribbean.”

“Hola, Matilda.” A voice exclaimed from the bushes. Matilda turned around and saw a man dressed in full military uniform. “It’s me, the ghost of Fidel Castro. Welcome to beautiful Havana, Cuba.”

“Oh, I see what this is about. Fidel, gather your forces in the town square. I have a big surprise for you.” During Matilda’s glorious revolution, the world had erupted into a battle between communism and capitalism, each country facing its own internal struggle for the rights of workers. Cuba was no different, in fact, Matilda’s cause had been so inspiring that Cubans had figured out a way to resurrect their former leader Fidel Castro from the dead, putting him back in charge.

It wasn’t before long that Matilda was standing on a podium in downtown Havana, the eyes of thousands of communist soldiers watching proudly.

“I thank you, Cuba, for your hospitality! You shall be rewarded for your gracious service to the cause in the highest manner possible.” The crowd cheered with excitement. Matilda’s olive eye glowed with the light of ten thousand candles, and a red haze of mist began to pour from the podium. She lifted off the ground, her arms outstretched as she chanted unintelligibly. In the blink of an eye, two yellow beams of biblical proportions glowed from Matilda’s hands, as the onlooking soldiers disintegrated into a mist that made its way to the dear leader. Once fully absorbed, Matilda turned to Castro himself.

“It’s time, Fidel.” Matilda’s voice had dropped six octaves and bellowed at such a volume that the city shook. She outstretched one of her glowing hands, as the spirit of Fidel Castro flew from its earthly body and into Matilda’s. The force of such a revered communist becoming one with her struck Matilda with such a force that she was knocked unconscious.

After waking up, she smirked, drawing her attention to the mainland United States. With the power of her far-seeing olive eye, she watched as the governor of Florida, Ron DeSantis, played golf at Mar-A-Lago, while the rest of Florida erupted into mayhem. Alligators were rampant in the streets, eating so many children that the right-wing education centers had to be closed. Disney had been reduced to rubble as Mickey Mouse became enslaved to the whims of communism. As powerful as she was, Matilda knew that nothing could ever save the sunshine state.

Now that she was finished with Cuba, Matilda leaped into the crystal waters of the Atlantic, making a beeline for Miami. Her newly-added strength made the swim a breeze, and it wasn’t long before she reached the peninsula. She looked up at the Miami skyline, and where once-proud condominiums for old rich people had stood, burnt out shells had taken their place. Boating clubs and golf courses had been all but destroyed in the wake of the communist anger sweeping the nation (except Baltimore, because nothing can ever touch Baltimore. It’s always gonna be Baltimore).

“I don’t have time for this stupid Florida subplot. If I bother the authors with ten pages of fighting Ron DeSantis, it’s a waste of time.” Matilda sighed. “Let’s just get this over with quickly!” She once again shifted to her trance-like psychic state, and as she lifted her hands to the sky, a Category 5 hurricane the size of Texas came into view behind her on the sea. The rain beat down across the entire state, with palm trees flying loose and trailer parks being sucked into the sky. The hurricane became strongest right over The Villages , a beautiful retirement home for senior citizens that Inside Edition did a report on for unsafe golf-cart driving (throwback to Lisa Guerrero). The mass of elderly citizens (except one of the author’s grandparents) were drawn out of their overpriced homes and into the cloud of debris that had gathered around Matilda. With the snap of her fingers, all the old people in Florida (wow, that’s like 80% of the population!) merged with Matilda, giving her an ultra-powerful boost of strength. As The Villages was beaten to a pulp (no Florida puns intended), Matilda drew the hurricane’s force to Mar-A-Lago, it’s cheap Italian architecture crumbling and cracking in the process. Ron DeSantis knew time was up, and made his way to a getaway speedboat captained by the founder of MyPillow ©, Mike Lindell.

“I knew this would happen!” Matilda sighed. Turning her gaze back to the rubble of Mar-A-Lago, she blew a gust of wind amongst the bricks and produced a massive wave of paper, which of course were the stolen classified documents that Fmr. President Trump had brought with him after leaving office. She hurled said wave towards the dinghy speedboat, which immediately obstructed Mike Lindell’s view. Mike & Ron screamed as they were engulfed in the classified documents. Matilda used her powers to lift the boat from the water, and clenching her fist she crushed the boat and its contents into nothing but scrap metal. She dropped it, watching as the foiled plot of Ron DeSanctimonious and Mr. Pillow sunk into the churning waves of the ocean.

With a snap of her fingers, the hurricane subsided, and Matilda turned her back to the sunny Florida coast, speeding towards Washington DC. She had used her abilities to fly through the air, going faster than the Concorde. Everything was going smoothly until suddenly, a rocket came shooting out of nowhere and slamming Matilda against the ground at a force so great that she awoke to find herself in the center of the Earth. The lava from the core began to bubble into pools of fiery hot liquid, oozing underneath Matilda. She used her psychic super strength to jump all the way out of the crater that was just created from the impact. Alive but severely weakened, Matilda looked around to see where she had landed. A green metal sign glowed in the distance.

“Welcome to North Carolina, the most military friendly state!” she read aloud. Just as fast as the words left her mouth Matilda heard the boom…boom…boom of footsteps behind her. “Devall…is that you?”

“Try again, yankee.” Matilda turned around, coming face-to-face with the world’s most infamous AP Lang teacher…Ms. Annette Collin. Her southern twang was deep and guttural and her sour coffee breath blew deep into Matilda’s nostrils. You see, Ms. Collin had wreaked havoc on both of the author’s writing throughout school, giving them test grades for completion assignments and breaking their backs with the weight of busywork. She was no stranger to the sadistic torture of children. Now, she had returned to her home state of North Carolina to fight for what she believed in: the sanctity of blue and black pens.

“This can’t be happening!” Matilda screeched. “Guess I’ll have to take you out, too!” She threw her hand into the air, trying to manifest a skull-crushing gust of wind to annihilate Ms. Collin.

“Nice try! I’ve got your powers now. I drained them when you were momentarily weakened by making you write rhetorical analyses subconsciously. The only way to get them back will be if you can get a 20/20 on my masterfully-crafted argumentative essay! Spoiler alert: it can’t be done!”

“You’re a monster! Everybody knows it’s impossible to get any grade higher than a 17/20 on your assignments!” Collin’s eyes started to glow bright red. Putting on her hideous neon-orange reading glasses, she clapped her hands together. Within an instant they were downtown in the middle of a city.

“This isn’t just a city, you dimwit author, this is the greatest city in all the world! Winston-Salem, North Carolinaaaaaaaaa!!!!!” Ms. Collin bellowed. “Anyway, let’s begin the test, and if you respond in anything other than a blue or black pen I swear to god I will rip the flesh from your skin with my bare hands!”

Matilda was inside of a giant transparent cube floating in the middle of Winston-Salem, right next to Ms. Collin’s mansion, the ancestral home of her “old money tobacco family” that in no way benefited from slavery (trust me guys, trust me). In front of Matilda lay a prompt. “Evaluate the value, if any, that onions have in society,” it read.

“You have forty five minutes to complete this assignment! I’ll be back at my desk right next to my large cup of pens and pencils that I don’t let my students use for no reason!” Collin chortled.

“But Ms. Collin,” begged Matilda. “I only have a purple pen!”

“So you have chosen…death.” Ms. Collin pulled out a gigantic blue or black pen from inside of her desk, charging forward and slashing towards Matilda. Matilda was only able to pull out the gigantic stack of papers used for the AP Test to block the incoming blow. Matilda jumped back and grabbed out sheets of paper, flinging them at Collin frisbee style, slashing Collin’s skin with paper cuts. Collin was able to deflect some of these by licking her finger and then swiping them away. She then snapped her fingers, summoning Jay Gatsby’s yellow car from The Great Gatsby , revving the engine and charging towards Matilda.

“You’re gonna end up like Myrtle Wilson before I’m through with you!” Collin floored it, but just before the metallic 1920’s hood could chop Matilda clean in half, she did a frontflip and landed on top of it, distracting Collin’s gaze. The car slammed through the cube walls and soared into the sky, crashing through the roof of Collin’s house. The automobile slammed through three different floors, landing in the grand smoking parlor of the mansion. Collin pulled a lever next to the steering wheel, as the walls and ceiling were instantaneously covered by thick metal sheets.

“It’s over, Matilda. You’ll soon be wishing you had remembered my rule of blue or black pens.” Collin smirked as a puff of smoke erupted from the floor, and in a second she was gone. A large screeching sound was heard, as the metal walls and roof began to move closer. The room was getting smaller, and a grate in the floor appeared. Unbeknownst to Matilda, directly underneath the floor was a massive pot with a vat of hot blue or black ink, and Collin was waiting with a large spoon to mix it with the blood of her prisoner. This was how she kept an endless supply of her magical ink that never ran dry, and it also had the effect of keeping her forever middle-aged. Thinking quickly, Matilda summoned what remained of her power to crash through the ceiling, shaking the house with such a force that the totaled Gatsby car broke through the wooden floorboards. The car knocked over the hot bubbling cauldron, and Collin was scathed by the ink. She could hardly let out a scream before it engulfed the room, drowning and burning her alive all at once.

Chapter Text

With Collin now destroyed, Matilda had vanquished the final enemy of the American South, thus the entire region extending from Washington, D.C. to the Florida Keys was at her command. She now had one final enemy: Matthew Devall and his army of Baltimorons who had retaken the territory formerly known as the state of Maryland. The air of the Old Line State was red and smoky, the land covered with a heavy powdering of Old Bay. The fine people of Maryland couldn’t resist such a tasty treat, and were reduced to subservient creatures living a life of desperately licking the ground and eating all the Old Bay that Devall’s army of farm sheep continued to dish out. This distraction allowed Devall to easily blaze a trail from his home base inside the Baltimore Domino Sugar Factory to his true aim, a tiny elementary school in the suburbs of the nation’s capital. Mullenholz elementary school, home of the Top Quality Stars (one of the worst school mascots ever created), happened to be crucial to Devall’s plan to set the world right. You see, it all started at 10:41 AM on January 17, 2017. On that fateful day, the little boy who will henceforth be referred to as “Communist Sailboat” created a Google Document during creative writing time in his fifth grade class. Originally he wrote a couple of short stories on the doc, but then he had an idea, one that would change the world. Inspired by his school play production of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and his passion for the works of Roald Dahl, Communist Sailboat decided to write a new story, a parody of one of his favorite books, and even invited his friend MC Wiggles to help write it with him. This story was purely a work of fiction, a world of mental ideas, but ideas can take a life of their own. This idea was particularly powerful, transforming the lives of the authors and molding and shifting until it became an epic tome that referenced all of their favorite things. From the moment that they started to write the Google Doc, they created a new timeline that split off from their own. With each new chapter or strange inside joke, the new timeline became increasingly more and more distorted, featuring Mormons, Transphobes, and even British People. Devall, a dimension hopper himself, recognized the power in what the two children did, and decided the only logical choice to protect this alternate timeline would be to ban creative writing for the whole class. Unfortunately for Devall, this fueled on the authors to continue writing the fic in secret over a span of seven years, occasionally adding new content here and there between free periods of class. As their world changed, so did their alternate reality they created, controlling it through their Google Docs. Devall realized that the only true way to save the world would be to travel back to the scene of the dimensional rift, to jump in, and to track down these miscreants once and for all. Devall finally arrived at the ruins of Mullenholz Elementary school, burned to the ground by communist students protesting how badly the cafeteria smelled. Fortunately for Devall, the portables where his classroom lay were currently maintained, serving as offices for the Mid-Atlantic Branch of Matilda’s communist operations. Devall kicked down the door of the portable, and started throwing Rubik’s cubes at everybody inside, including the leader of the branch, the communist math teacher from Boston that never gave homework and spent all of class talking about her fantasy football team. She was Devall’s least favorite teacher. After about forty seconds, Devall was thoroughly drenched in his favorite food, the blood of ten year olds. Devall walked to where his desk used to be and entered a secret code in his private safe, somehow still intact after seven years and a worldwide civil war. He opened it up to find his 666x666x666 Rubik’s cube, a punishment he created for his more disobedient students (that one guy that kept playing a robot voice saying “chicken nugget” over and over again). He click clacked the pieces together until it was finally solved in a painstakingly slow 0.000001 seconds. The moment that the final side snapped into place, the cube transformed into a purple spiral in the center of the room, a warping rift in the fiber of reality. Devall jumped headfirst into the dimensional tear, suddenly arriving at an empty field, as all of the portables were eventually demolished. He ran down the street, through the little garden passageway of MC Wiggles’ old preschool with the lovely accordion playing Bulgarian woman, past the public library, and across the bustling street, eventually coming to Honus Wagner high school. HW was a ridiculously huge high school, one of the largest in the state and inexplicably named after a random baseball player from the 1900s. Devall trekked across the field absolutely covered with goose poop, and beat down the back entrance of the school connected to the auditorium. He rushed up the stairs, down the hall, and left down another set of stairs until he finally was at the music wing. Devall steadied his breath before reaching out his hand and turning open the doorknob leading to the choir room, home of the two timeline shifters themselves.

Chapter Text

All of the students in 7th period Madrigals were dressed up in their weird renaissance outfits, beautifully singing a rendition of Chili con Carne by The Real Group, when in walked the one and only Matthew Devall, sprinting up to his former students and slamming them against the side of the wall where everybody’s folders were kept.

“Holy (word that we aren’t going to say) it’s Mr Devall!” wheezed Communist Sailboat as his windpipe was being crushed by a dimension hopping fifth grade teacher.
“I thought you moved back to Baltimore”, said MC Wiggles, thoroughly confused why she was being slowly choked and internally freaking the hell out.

“I told you two to stop making that damn fanfic. But you just couldn’t listen, could you? You just kept on writing and writing, and even were planning to put it on AO3. Well unfortunately for you I’m going to murder you before you’re able to do anything of the sort. I can’t let news of this alternate dimension of yours spread, or it will just make things crazier and crazier!”

“Sorry Devall, but I kinda like crazy.” Devall turned around to see none other than Matilda Wormwood behind him, who snuck up on him and quickly ripped the two high schoolers out of his hands and tossed him across the room. The choir teacher and all of the other students were paralyzed with fear, sticking to the risers. That is, all of them except the one guy in the jester outfit, who wandered into the room with his headphones on, doodling on a piece of paper.

“NOOOO, WATCH OUT JESTER!” screamed the choir teacher, but it was too late for him. He had walked right into Mr Devall, who angrily picked him up and threw him out the window flying all the way to Brazil, knocking off the Jester’s ugly mustache. Devall then charged straight towards Matilda, knocking her back with a force so hard he broke down three different walls and sent her slamming into the auditorium, squishing the prehistoric theatre director against the wall into a giant puddle of blood and cheap blonde hair dye. Matilda ran backstage and picked up one of the swords used in the school’s production of King Lear , charging back towards Devall and meeting him in the empty school cafeteria that nobody has ever actually eaten in. She slashed one of the big red pillars into little wedges of metal and rock, and started picking them up and throwing them at Devall, who dodged all of them with the grace of a trained dancer. He then whipped out his beautiful new *green* school ID on a lanyard and used it to lasso one of the rocks and throw it back towards Matilda, but it ended up shooting just over her head and busting down the wall to the cafeteria, smashing an entire glass case of the disgusting meat juice sauce they put on their food. The room started to rumble as a tsunami of questionable ingredients flooded the cafeteria, knocking both Matilda and Devall out into the school parking lot. By that time somebody had called the cops, and helicopters were circling around the school. Joe Biden himself was biking over from Delaware to try and resolve this conflict by being a voice of reason, but just when he made it to the parking lot, he fell off of his bike and drowned in the putrid cafeteria slop . The blonde security guard that never did her job and spent all her time talking to the two racist Mormon kids about how she used to work for Reagan was so overjoyed at the sight of sleepy Joe reaching his final resting point that she spontaneously combusted.The school was being evacuated and students rushed out into the newly formed puddle of cheap hot-pink lipstick. Matilda nimbly jumped from head to head of each student, but Devall didn’t hesitate to just plow through the crowd, breaking all of the bones of anyone who was unfortunate enough to be in his path. Matilda ran inside the grocery store next door to the school, dodging all the security guards that were immediately distrustful of any young person due to a history of high schoolers shoplifting, and arrived at the soda aisle. She grabbed a giant case of the store’s crappy Dr Pepper knock off and shook it with all of her might. By the time Devall made it into the store, she unloaded it like a cannon, but Devall blocked it all by opening his mouth wide. After being bombarded with this, Devall had blocked the attack successfully, but no human could truly stomach drinking that much of such a drink. He needed a true refresher, which fortunately could be found close by. The local pizza place’s soda fountain’s Diet Dr Pepper was a drink with a taste rivaling the nectar of Olympus (something MC Wiggles can attest to despite everyone calling her crazy). He ran into the pizza place, and broke open the soda fountain to start chugging Diet Dr Pepper. The stores employees didn’t really care, as they got paid minimum wage to work in a store with tons of OSHA violations, forced to appease mobs of annoying high schoolers while the TV in the back blared ‘80s music at a ridiculously high volume. Once his thirst was quenched, Devall ran out of the pizza place straight into a trap set by Matilda. You see, the awful manipulative middle school choir teacher was visiting Honus Wagner High for their choir event, and he never went anywhere without his prized possession, a giant ball of already chewed gum he’d taken from his students. (Yes, this was a real thing, and it was disgusting). Matilda had snatched it out of his hands and thrown it on the ground outside of the pizza place, sticking Devall to the ground. Unfortunately for her, she drove the middle school teacher into a mad rage parallelling his anger levels when an eleven year old is slightly off pitch, says the 2018 slang term “lit,” or he fails to get his Dole Whip in time. He charged towards Matilda, swinging his trusty saxophone (which he missed out playing for Billy Joel to make it to a middle school concert, a fact he loved reminding his students about) towards her head. She ducked and grabbed the saxophone out of his hands, and then picked him up and shoved him into the instrument, compressing and squishing him to death. She then blew as hard as possible, aiming the sax towards Devall. Unfortunately for her, the choir teacher’s little distraction gave Devall ample time to summon up a double from another dimension. He swapped his soul with that of the doubles’, and ran away back to the school, leaving his old body with a new soul stuck. When Matilda violently tore Devall to pieces with her sax projectiles, she didn’t actually kill the real Devall she was after. She sat back and ordered two slices and a drink from the pizza place, relaxing and relishing her victory. As she began to dig into her slice, Matilda started to feel a little weird. She looked down at her hands and was shocked to see they had turned into pieces of paper. She ran out of the pizza shop, trying to figure out what was going on, but to her horror she fell down on the ground, her legs slowly turning to paper as well. There in the center of the shopping plaza near the school sat Devall with a massive grin on his face and a school chromebook opened in his lap.

“What’s happening to me?” cried out Matilda, watching in sheer horror as the paper crept further up and up her body.

“I thought the way to make things right would be to kill those meddling brats, but that unfortunately proved far too time consuming. I realized all I had to do was delete their Google Doc for good. While you were resting on your laurels, I ran back to the ruins of the HW choir room and found MC Wiggles’ school chromebook. Unfortunately this thing is so damn slow, and the file is taking forever to delete due to how long it is, but it looks like you and everything wrong with that world of theirs will soon be gone forever. Don’t you see, Matilda? They never really cared about telling your story, one where you can be truly happy. Originally they even planned having you die a horrific death at the hands of your fellow children after finally growing up! They always ended up taking huge breaks from writing the story, and only ended up attempting to write an ending during their last week of school! Once I destroy that blasted Google Doc, you’ll return to normal, a perfectly innocent children's book character!”

“What if I like this life better, Devall? What if I like being able to stray from the source material, to have my own adventures, no matter how crazy they were! I always loved reading books at my local library, imagining escaping my terrible family. These kids have given me my own adventure story, and I’ll be forever grateful to them. So what if you delete this now and turn me back into a normal book? I know that they’ll always remember and cherish this story! You don’t get to decide what stories are and aren’t valid! I may not be the original, but I know for a fact that I am the Real Matilda!” These words exited Matilda’s mouth just as it slowly turned into just a hunk of paper lying on the ground. Just like that, the doc was deleted. The Real Matilda was now nothing but a memory.

Chapter Text

Matilda Honey was woken up in her idyllic English cottage by her adopted mother, the one and only Ms Jennifer Honey.

“What’s wrong dear? You were tossing and turning so much I was a bit worried about you!” asked Ms Honey.

“Oh Ms Honey, I just had the strangest dream! I was a dictator or something, and I went to America and…I don’t really remember…”

“Don’t worry yourself, Matilda. That dream was just a figment of your imagination. You live here, in the real world, where everything turns out okay in the end!”

At this same time, on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean and the Dimensional Stream, two teenagers clad in oversized robes sat next to each other, excited to finally graduate from public school and continue their journeys in life. At this specific moment though, they were completely bored out of their minds, stuck listening to quite possibly the longest commencement speech ever created from “Mama Bobcat”, the old school principal.

“Hey,” mentioned Communist Sailboat. “You remember that one Matilda thing we wrote?”

“Oh yeah,” replied MC Wiggles. “We promised to finish it when we would graduate from high school, but I guess we just got so swept up in everything that we weren’t able to finish it”.

“Well, we could just log in on our phones and check it out one last time, taking a walk down memory lane” suggested Communist Sailboat.

MC Wiggles pulled out her old and laggy Motorola and searched her hard drive for any trace of her old fanfic, but it just wasn’t there. She looked over to Communist Sailboat’s, but he was having no luck either

“What in the heck…” Communist Sailboat looked up to what sounded like a $45 million dollar private jet owned by a televangelist flying overhead, but in reality it was the ceiling of the University of Baltimoron Chesapeake College caving in from the sheer force of Devall’s mighty energy. Devall crashed through the ceiling, spewing chunks of ceiling into the screaming crowd below, crushing (thankfully) the two most annoying and least-talented students in the entire Hogus Wagner choir, famous for their terrible singing and massive egos.

“Well, well, well, congratulations on finally graduating from public school. Based on your test scores from fifth grade I thought you would never even make it this far, but unfortunately I am sorely mistaken,” said former elementary school teacher and full time psychopath Devall.

“Sorry, could you say that again? You’re up on the stage like fifty feet away from us talking at normal volume, we straight up just can’t hear you”, shouted out MC Wiggles. Devall angrily grunted and shoved Mama Bobcat off of the stage, grabbing her microphone out of her green manicured hands. Unfortunately, Mama Bobcat’s deputy acting principal, Ms. Freeman was rushing to her aid. Devall quickly turned before Freeman could make her attack, punting her into the stadium just as quickly as she had served as acting principal.

“I cannot express how frustrated I am that you two brats have continued to be some of the most annoying students I have ever had the displeasure of teaching in my professional career. First you turn my classroom into a circus, and then, you make a mockery of my previous works in my past life as Roald Dahl, and then every damn day you send me advertisements for your stupid Charlie and the Chocolate Factory show, which by the way, completely sucked.”

“Hey, it’s not our fault that our Willy Wonka chickened out and was too embarrassed to do the ‘there’s no knowing where we’re going’ monologue and how we couldn’t afford any music for the show!” retorted Communist Sailboat.

“Anyway it is now my pleasure to cut this stupidly long graduation ceremony short for you two. As you’ve probably figured out by now I’ve destroyed your bastardization of my beloved Matilda, and now you will follow suit. Prepare to die!”

Devall snapped his fingers and the room began to fill with Chesapeake blue crabs, pinching away at students, teachers, and parents alike, and marching their way towards the two fanfic authors.

“Communist Sailboat, what do we even do now, we’re straight up going to die!”
“Wait a minute MC Wiggles! I have an idea!” Communist Sailboat pulled up his phone and opened a new google document, tapping away. He wrote out the words “suddenly, the crabs all stopped in place.”

As soon as Communist Sailboat finished that sentence, every crab immediately halted as if they were frozen in time.

“Insolent fool! What have you done!” shouted Devall at the top of his lungs.

“Well, I heard you going on and on about how our fanfic was able to change reality, so if you are just fighting us using all this transdimensional magic mumbo jumbo, I figured that maybe we could change things in this reality too with this google doc!”

“What the hell? That doesn’t even make any sense given the rules you’ve set up to this point!
“It doesn’t need to make sense, Devall! It’s the power of your least favorite thing in a child: Imagination!”

Devall turned his gaze to the crowd of students and teachers which remained. His glowing inter-dimensional eyes fell on a certain English teacher with a somewhat-midwestern accent and a terrible haircut, nicknamed “The Evil Owl” by her more rebellious students. She tried to escape, chucking her throngs of Baby Yoda memorabilia and Hamilton playbills at Devall, but she was no match. Devall swatted her out of the way with his Rubiks Cube in order to get to Communist Sailboat and MC Wiggles.

“Hey, she may be annoying, but she’s a nice person!” angrily shouted MC Wiggles. She pulled up her own Google Doc and began to write. As soon as her sentence was finished, the things she described became reality. The Owl threw her head back in a terrifying nasal laugh over and over again, almost laughing as hard as she did when Angel Clare was looking at Tess Durbeyfield milking the cow. The sonic power of her laugh temporarily made Devall deaf and blasted him off the stage, knocking over a bunch of pit band kids, including MC Wiggle’s younger brother. This made her so mad that she decided to do something drastic. She moved her fingers across the touchscreen keyboard and summoned into reality the one and only Matilda Wormwood.

Into the auditorium came a little elementary school girl carrying a large pile of books.
“Where am I? Ms. Honey, is this some surprise party or a trick? I told you you didn’t need to do anything big to celebrate my one month anniversary of living here with you!” said Matilda.

“No, Matilda!” begged Communist Sailboat. “We need your help to save us from our evil fifth grade teacher! Isn’t that whole thing kinda what you do?”

A flash of recognition appeared in Matilda’s eyes for a second, but she shook her head vigorously.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I remember that side of me, but it’s not proper anymore. It’s not what my creator intended. Besides, I’m happy in my original peaceful life!”

“Matilda, we need your help! We have the power to write fiction, but you’re a true hero with superpowers! I know that we messed up by ending your character arc before in this fanfiction, but please help us and we promise to immortalize your amazing deeds forever!” MC Wiggles screamed.

“Alright, alright. But only because mine was your favorite of the Norwegian Gangster’s stories, right?” Matilda whispered.

“Let’s not say anything about The Witches.” Sailboat muttered under his breath.

“Aww, this conversation is really sweet and all, but let’s not let it distract you from the fact that I’ve got you kids beat. You see, I’m the original creator of Matilda, and two can play that game! Controlling my creation will be a breeze!”

Devall summoned a typewriter and began to write furiously. Matilda suddenly punched MC Wiggles square in the jaw, pummeling her to the ground. Communist Sailboat quickly began writing on his device, making Matilda pick up a bunch of folding chairs and throw them at Devall. Devall winced in pain momentarily, but then fought back, making Matilda deliver a punishing blow to Sailboat by knocking his cheap prescription glasses off his head.

“You’re weak Sailboat! And by the way, that girl in my class that moved to Florida was never into you!”

Recognizing the psychological torture and lies (sorry but it’s true - MC Wiggles) which Devall was concocting, Sailboat summoned the power of a crappy book about a late-18th century teenager who meets a mysterious man who owned a lighthouse, which Devall prized himself on, quickly reading ahead, something which he never would have done under ordinary circumstances.

“You’re not doing what I think you’re doing!”

“Uh-huh!” nodded Communist Sailboat, proceeding to commit the worst sin possible. Reading ahead in a children’s book.

“NOOOOOO!” cried out Devall, falling to his knees with a bloodcurdling scream. He dropped his typewriter, watching as it smashed to pieces on the concrete floor of the auditorium. All the Hogus Wagner English teachers screamed in pain as they watched a beautiful yet simple instrument of writing be uselessly destroyed.

“Quick, it’s time to finish him off once and for all guys!” Matilda commanded as the team of three rushed towards where Devall sat momentarily subdued. Matilda threw out an unsolved Rubik’s cube towards Devall, a challenge he couldn’t resist.

Like a cute kitten upon seeing catnip, Devall charged towards it and quickly snapped it into place.

Suddenly, Devall found himself in a perfect replica of his old classroom, complete with his jumbo Snickers bar gathering dust on his desk which he only allowed one student who now looked like the juvenile version of Jack Harlow to stand on, while also expecting his students to believe he didn’t have favorites.

Devall ran to the door, which he found to be locked. The windows were bolted down and shuttered, Devall finding them to be unmovable. It was just then that he heard from behind the sound of a robotic voice repeating two words over and over again: “chicken nugget.”

“My god, what have you three done!” Devall howled with screams and cries as he realized his fate. All this time, Devall failed to recognize that the authors also controlled the plot of the story, by being able to use Google Docs, a skill he could never fully limit no matter how many bans on creating writing he implemented. Thus, Devall was alone with the exception of the most annoying student in the universe, the chicken nugget kid, trapped forever in his portable which even God himself could not control the temperature of if he tried.

Back in the auditorium, Matilda, MC Wiggles, and Communist Sailboat watched as the tiny model portable, barely the size of a pea, shook with the rage of an even tinier, now-shrunken intergalactic creature known as Devall. Wiggles retrieved the Rubiks Cube which had captivated Devall just moments before, cracking it open to the hollow center, putting the portable inside. Super Glueing it shut, Devall was finally trapped.

“Alright everybody, graduation’s canceled, just pick up your diplomas already. Jesus Christ you kids are reminding me why I quit”, said Mama Bobcat. The students erupted into cheers and charged out the doors. MC Wiggles and Communist Sailboat smiled, left in the auditorium with Matilda. They just had one last task to do.

The authors decided to bury the Rubik’s cube deep under the ground of Mullenholz Elementary, where it would never be found. However, the power of Devall could never be fully destroyed, so if in the future, anyone tried to dig up the Rubiks Cube, such a terrifying creature along with the chicken nugget kid will rise again to enslave the entire human race. But that’s a story for another time. The sun was setting upon Mullenholz elementary, and the two graduates stood on the curb next to a beloved children’s book character.

“So I guess this is goodbye, huh?” asked MC Wiggles.

“Yeah, I guess it is,” said Matilda. “Being an evil dictator was fun and all, but I have to say, I need a bit of a break after all of that. It’s time for me to go home to Ms. Honey.” Matilda then snapped her fingers. “I’ve just restored the original files for The Real Matilda . That way whenever you want to remember all of the adventures that we went on together, I’ll always be with you guys.” Matilda started to walk away but then suddenly turned around.

“Wait a minute, there’s one more thing we need to do!” said Matilda. She ran over to the two authors and gave them a gigantic hug, the likes of which the world has never seen before.

“Thank you for everything”, Matilda said as a tear rolled down her cheek. MC Wiggles was straight up bawling and Communist Sailboat’s newly replaced glasses were fogging up.

Matilda released her embrace and turned around, beginning to walk away. The two teens were still hugging each other, and neither of them said a word as they stood there watching the little girl walking round the corner at the end of the road and disappearing forever into the distance.

The End