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Hey guys. It's HalehMiDegete here.
So I had plans for this fanfic, and I really don't want to do this, but I just can't push myself to complete this work.It's not because I don't have the motivation, but simply because I can't put myself through the panic attack that was January 6, 2025 again... I guess I'll briefly fill you all in so you're aware.
This is going to sound so fucking stupid, but I've unknowingly become very protective over Kohver, and let me tell you why.
When I was 12. I was obsessed with a show called Top Chef Jr. Like, obsessed in the same way I am with 5Miinust & Puuluup, NeoneoN, Algert Sala (most of y'all don't know about that last one haha). My fav on the show was named Fuller and he had leukemia. He even had to quit the show to get better. In December of 2020, I got the pleasure of being a friend of his. I expected a simple "hi. Thank you for texting" but he continued the conversation which led to him asking me to be his gf. I had had problems with online dating earlier that year so I turned him down... On New Year's Eve 2020, he even told me that when I turned 18, he'd fly me out to California to go live with him while he was at culinary school (I was 15 them and he was 17. Not quite in Cali, but would be there the following year)
Overtime, he texted less and less. The last message I got was a thumbs up in June 2021 and the last of anything I got was a read message in August 2021. At first, I thought that it was because he's gotten sick of me like everyone else, but in reality... He was dying.
In early January of 2022, I found out that Fuller passed away in October of 2021...
I was heartbroken. I felt like I let this happen to him by not thinking he had limited time. I knew he had leukemia, so why didn't I put two and two together?? And why did I find out so late??? Some days, I still imagine if I'd be in California right now had he not died that day...
What does this have to do with Kohver?
On August 28, 2024. Kohver was announced among the lineup on MasterChef Eesti season 3. This immediately triggered nostalgia in me from the days of watching Top Chef Jr before even meeting Fuller. But of course, my brain had to step in.
"You lost Fuller! Who says you won't lose Kohver too??"
This has been going on for months. I've been trying to think logically and shut them down, but it's very fucking hard... After Kohver ended up winning MasterChef, I got nonstop videos about "tell your 12 yr old self something in three words" and the song "You'll Be Alright, Kid" by Alex Warren.
It's around the time when I found out three years ago that Fuller was gone, and of course 5Miinust had to drop Pilates Spiritual Clüb during this time (if you haven't seen the music video, I recommend it only if you're not paranoid like me). Being reminded of a fanfic written by euro_umbre back in November which ended with Kohver dying. So far, everything in her fanfic has already happened. This being Kohver winning, Taavi getting second place, and Keili celebrating with them. Plus of course me and my friend RP which I won't go into detail about...
Needless to say I had my first ever panic attack on January 6th 2025.
Now I get headaches even thinking about worrying about Kohver. I start to sweat and rock back and forth. I feel heavy, like I'm weighted to the bed. I always have to repeat "he's okay. He's gonna be okay. Nothing's going to happen to him. It's just a roleplay. Its just a fanfic. It's just a music video" to calm myself.
Therefore, the plot of this fanfic as well as the plans I had for it just don't feel healthy for me, thus, I will be disconnecting it. As for Murder Mansion, I'll find some way to bring him back in there just to calm myself down. (I'm sorry to the hardcore Murder Mansion fans for wanting more death, and you'll get that haha, but when it comes to Kohver, I can't bare that thought.)
I know this all sounds so fucking ridiculous as I've never met or even spoken to the guy. The only thing he's ever done to acknowledge my existence was view one of my Instagram stories back in August. It just stems from the fact that Fuller started out the same way. I know I'm being paranoid, and nothing will happen, but my thoughts and emotions like to try and take over.
Thank you all for understanding. Once again, I really wish I could continue this, but mental health comes first. I really hope you all understand...
Take care
- Haleigh 🐻