Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Sometimes you couldn't quite tell if her love was really that, or just a mockery of the emotion she knew you wanted her to feel for you. Her warped smiles wouldn't always reach her eyes. But you mustn't mistake complication for falsehood. She truly did cherish you, as much as she possibly could. Held you in whatever ways wouldn't cut you. And that's why you kept finding yourself back there in those corridors, calling out and searching for her. Because you were still sure the door would always be there when you needed it.

Work had tired you that day. By the time you stepped through the disappointingly ordinary door to your flat you were already prepared to simply collapse. The elevator hadn't worked for weeks and the third floor, though not too bad, still took a lot out of you to climb up to. You took your shoes off, went straight into your room and lay down on your bed, exhaling deeply and defeatedly. Life really hadn't been treating you well at the moment. But there was always something. Someone. You couldn't even really recall the first time you'd met her, the first time that out of place yellow door had begun to shift into the walls of your flat. But you had since grown really rather fond of each other. You...you loved her. You definitely loved her. And so that familiar ringing in your ears of her admittedly adorable laughter automatically sent a smile to your face as you got up to see where she'd decided to put the door this time.

She'd gotten good at this little game. Manifesting it in less and less obvious places, like hide and seek. It seemed to entertain her, and that made you happy along with it, though her voice still echoed through the door, and it often gave you quite obvious clues as to where she was. This time, she'd been clever though. Not as sneaky as she usually would've been, but clever. You'd never have thought she could actually replace doors, but when you idly open the one in your bedroom to go into the main flat, you realise it had never been that shade of yellow. And you look out at the stretching expanse of corridors and mirrors and that wallpaper that seemed to shift colour every time you focused on it. You were not complaining, though. It was oddly comforting to see yourself back in that place. With her. Wherever she was hiding this time, whichever door embedded in those hallways she was laughing behind. That laugh of hers. It was honestly rather sweet...you never minded the headaches.

You stepped forward, feeling the soft carpet beneath your feet, a pleasant feeling compared to the hard, cold floor of your flat. This felt right. A little disorientating, as it always did, but right. The wallpaper today seemed to swirl into mesmerising fractals that you stopped to look at for a little while. Not too long, though. You still wanted to find her, following that lovely echo down whichever turns made it louder, going up whichever staircases, only to find yourself in similar places. Still it was oddly endearing, and you were getting somewhere even if it was slowly, all the while her giggles bounced off the walls of what was arguably herself, the stomach to the hand of the distortion.

"You're going to give me a migraine, Helen."

You laugh quietly to yourself, opening one of the doors and not quite being able to focus on the room inside. There were discernible features, but like everything else, colours were tricky. They didn't matter, though. Not to you. Not when you saw her lounging in there, stretched out sideways over an armchair. Much too big for just her. You smiled as she placed a hand to her chest in mock offence, and her voice bounced off the walls around you.

"Is my voice really that annoying to you, dear? Honestly, I thought I was at least tolerable."

That playful smirk never left her face, curling unnaturally up the side of her cheek. Just as odd but endearing as the rest of her.

"Well, you're more than tolerable. You know that." You said, trying to play it cool but very obviously a little nervous around her. "Why else do you think I keep coming back? It's just that laugh of yours gives me a bit of a headache. I don't mind, though. Not when it's you."

You reached out and gently moved her up so that there was room for you in the chair as well. You fit rather snugly together, her arm fitting just around your shoulder to bring you closer, wrapped in the warmth of each other. Without thinking about it, she idly brushes the tips of her fingers over the back of your neck, in her attempt at a comforting gesture, only to remember her situation when you let out a small whimper of pain.

"A-ah, Helen, I-"

"I'm really sorry, love. I forget sometimes."

Her voice was strangely calm but you knew that she meant every word. She didn't want to truly hurt you. That's why she let you out when you wanted. She gently dabbed the blood away with the back of her hand, resting it there trying to soothe you and the small twinge of pain. It works, even just the intention is enough to comfort you. And her voice. It gave you headaches when she laughed, but when she whispered words into your ear that she knew you wanted to hear, it did quite the opposite, almost numbing your thoughts as she continued.

"Shh, shh. it's alright..is that better?"

You close your eyes, leaning into her even more, and you nod. There's a faint smile on your face that she spots as she looks down at you.

"Good, dear, I'm glad. You just rest, I know it's been tiring."

You knew she knew. You told her lots. And you were sure she hid and watched a lot as well. She knew the comfort you found in delirium. In sweet, delicious confusion. It wrapped around you, just like her arms did in the moment that you began to drift off, and you loved it. You loved her. She loved you too, in her own way. You were both sure of it.

Chapter Text

Your dreams were bright, saturated pictures and unending patterns when you slipped into sleep, and never before did you think that the quilts of your bed would be a disappointment to you. But when you woke up on that mattress, tucked in with such neatness it couldn't have been yourself doing it, you felt almost empty. You always did when the disappointment of the world you really lived in seeped back into your mind, and that twisted truth of yourself was left with her. But she was insistent that you don't just spend all your time in those hallways. "It's not good for you," she would often say. And you didn't need to know what she meant by that to be immensely brought down by the fact. But at least she seemed to have the decency to tuck you in. She was definitely caring.

You looked at your phone for the time. The calendar on it was a good few days ahead, and you had plenty missed calls. You were used to this by now though, and you'd learned plenty of excuses considering no one you'd met showed any belief in the fact that you did actually have a girlfriend but she was just in a different domain of this existence and that's why they'd never met her. So you worked it around your schedule on the times that you were there for longer than intended, which wasn't all the time. You just got carried away.

Your job was never a problem. You'd only gotten it recently, a short while after you met Helen who you couldn't have known for more than a few months, but your boss at that institute you'd applied to as a desperate job search (despite having no qualifications, still a wonder that you got it,) always seemed so forgiving about your absences, like he knew what was happening. If that were even possible. Your friends on the other hand, excluding those who were more so your coworkers, would get worried. Call you and text you relentlessly despite the fact that you weren't even sure they truly wanted to be friends with you. You'd only ever go out with them as a group, just an add on. But you played along. And you'd learned how to quite easily lie to them, to the point they barely even got suspicious anymore despite your very often trips away.

Lying. One thing you and Helen had in common. But you never lied to each other. Two fractals branching off in the same pattern, incomprehensible to their observers but always able to see where the other was going. And you quite liked that.

You guessed that you'd only been put in your bed fairly recently considering the neatness of the covers and a lack of aching in your joints, and that was almost a comfort to you, knowing how little time you spent there by yourself. That you'd been there, Helen holding you, twisting her arms around your body in whatever unnatural ways would make you feel safe in your slumber...you blushed, pulling the covers over you slightly more in an attempt to mimic what her embrace may have felt like. You were unsuccessful, but the thought of her made you smile anyway.

You knew she always left you a few days, and you weren't excited for them. Actually having to go into work where no one seemed to mind your occasional disappearances, getting asked by your friends on days out after work and having to make hasty excuses not to see them, having that feeling of tight confinement to the world you were in. You were grounded, and oh did it feel horrible. You began to treasure the sting you still felt in your neck as if you'd never see her again, as if it was the last remnant of her you had left for eternity. And it certainly felt like that, every time you had to deal with those few days without her, always treasuring a different sensation. The sting from an accidental cut, the lingering warmth from an impossibly encompassing hug, the leftover tingling from when things got interesting...but that wasn't what you appreciated her for. You appreciated the reassurance. The fact that you'd somehow know she was never lying to you, unless of course you really wanted her to. The way she'd soothe you with the patterns and the riddles that would easily drive anyone else mad. Sweet nothings were everything, because there was always something lingering in there, whatever you decided to call it.

You were getting ahead of yourself. Now wasn't the time for rambling thoughts. You hoisted yourself up out of bed and made your way over to your wardrobe.

Research was a boring job, but it paid decently, and a job in paranormal studies had been right up your street when searching for a job. You came in that day and set up at your little desk just by the library. A few boring documents left from the days you weren't there. Just statements that needed going over, looking into. And so you got out your laptop and read over your deadlines again. It was quite repetitive. Read, type, read, type, but not the sort of repeating that could lull you. Not branching endlessness, not sweet, sprawling patterns...she'd spoiled you, hadn't she? Not everything could be repetitive in that way...so you lied to yourself, tried to convince yourself that this sort of repeating felt just as good.

It really didn't.

You put your head in your hands. You wished that she would at least just appear for a visit, save you briefly, manifest that door that only meant good things to you, and just...

...like clockwork.

The creak of a door in the wrong direction...the right direction? Everywhere at once...and the click of the heels she always wore. Her voice brought a smile to your face and blush to your cheeks.

"Oh? Fancy seeing you here, I had no clue you'd be at work today."

"Humorous as always, Helen..." You laugh, slightly giddy with relief that she was here. "Well, what made you come to 'collect' me so early? Thought you'd wait a few days..."

This time she was the one to laugh. That echo that split your head in two, not that you were complaining...

"Well I'm sorry to disappoint you, love, but I'm only visiting. I've told you what too much time in there can do to you. You need to have your breaks if you want to still be able to comprehend your own thoughts, let alone my existence. But it was obvious you weren't having a nice day today...is someone missing me?"

You loved the way she spoke in that moment. Just something about it. Her form shifted slightly and all of a sudden she was on the other side of you, smiling that wide unnatural smile. You knew she was capable of warping herself enough to look normal, she'd told you many stories of whoever 'Michael' was doing the same before 'Helen became her'. You weren't sure what that meant but something told you that you wouldn't have liked Michael. No, you liked Helen. You loved Helen. And you loved the fact that around you she never retracted into normality. Between all the lies and the riddles there was your truth...the truth you only shared together...Jesus Christ, had you spaced out?

"You alright in there?" Helen's voice snapped you out of it. "What were you thinking about?"

"Just...you." You laughed as if it wasn't the truth. But she knew it was.

"Thought as much...look, a few more days, alright? Just thought I'd check in on my favourite employee here."

"You say that like you know other employees."

"Oh, I do. You'd be surprised at what goes on around here. Still, dear, that's nothing you want to get involved in, I'm sure..."

"If you say so..." You said, a smile on your face as you try to type up things again. "Still. You've never 'checked in on me' before. What made you want to today?"

"Mainly making sure you'd managed to wake yourself up enough. You seemed pretty peaceful where you were."

"Ah..." You typed up a few more things into your computer, stuff you already knew about the cases and stuff that you needed to go over and research. Once you finished, you looked up at her, standing there whilst you sat down in your chair. "Look...are you sure I can't-"

"Yes. I'm sure."

She sounded slightly stern. What did she think would happen if you spent enough time in there? Even still, it wasn't something you intended to find out. So you nod, and you smiled sheepishly up at her. She smiled back down at you, but with a confidence that, this time, you were sure reached her eyes, as she leaned down slightly and tilted your face upwards with one sharp, pointed finger.

"I'll see you soon, love. But be patient."

She kissed you on the cheek, leaving a soft staticky feeling in its wake, and before you could even comprehend properly what had just happened, or how she hadn't accidentally stabbed you, she was gone again. That yellow door was once again never there.

It took a while for you to feel properly back to normal, but you did in the end, and still that mindless typing and research couldn't lull you. You just had to yearn for the patterns that did. At least for now.