Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Grian woke up screaming. It wasn’t rare, in fact it was so common that he didn’t know otherwise. He forced gulps of air down his throat until his breathing was somewhat normal. Reaching over to check his communicator, he found it was 1:37 in the morning. He sighed, knowing he would not be able to go back to sleep, the shouts of pain and flashes of blood still rolling around his mind, preventing him from escaping via unconsciousness. He swung his legs over the side of his battered wooden bed, and stood up. The frame creaked and groaned as he did, worn out from all of the thrashing and moving he did in his nightmares.

After grabbing a glass of water and downing it, he slipped on some shoes and opened the front door, breathing in the cool early morning air. He was going to go for a walk, and it would hopefully clear his head a bit. And he did exactly that.

Xisuma sighed at his comm. He was doing a weekly check up on each of his hermits via their code, and Grian’s showed that he was up yet again in the middle of the night. He only started doing these checks a little while ago, when Etho neglected his sleep so much that Bdubs found him passed out on the floor, and ever since he had been worried about the parrot man’s sleep schedule. He decided to pull him aside in the next meeting, and ask a few questions.

The meeting turned out to be the next day, which Xisuma totally didn’t forget about until about 10 minutes before hand. Totally not. He would never do that.

-

‘Personally i believe that we should all take a break before finishing this; we’ve been sat here for over 2 hours and Grian looks like he is falling asleep.’ Xisuma stated. At the mention of his name, the man in question’s head jolted up, and he forced out the words ‘I’m awake! I’m awake I promise!’ before being interrupted by a large yawn.

Laughs spread around the room as Mumbo sighed and put a hand Grian’s shoulder, which he immediately lay on, much to the surprise of an unsuspecting Mumbo. Xisuma sighed before motioning for people to ‘shoo’ but come back in 20 minutes. Someone yelled ‘yes SIR’ and laughs erupted out of the group. Xisuma smiled fondly at his hermits as they threw friendly insults and jokes at each other while filing out the door. Speaking of his hermits, Xisuma had a task to take care of.

Grian walked in stride with the rest of the hermits, except he looked slightly separated from the group, hands curled around himself, shoulders slightly more rigid than he would purposely let on. That all changed when Mumbo appeared behind him. He forced his shoulders down, becoming more self-aware, and hiding behind the mask that he usually wore around people.

Mumbo smiled at him, and told him that Xisuma wanted to talk with him quickly. Grian smiled back again Mumbo and turned towards the door he just came out of. ‘Ach, I knew i couldn’t escape this stuffy room for that long.’ Mumbo laughed at that and the two parted ways.

As Grian walked back through the hall, he mentally prepared himself for a one-on-one conversation. He preferred larger groups where he could hide in the back and let his mask slip slightly. One-on-one seemed like hell, but if it was quick then it probably wouldn’t be that bad. Right? His mind drifted to what it could he about. Maybe someone saw through his mask of happiness and told Xisuma. No, he had been good about retaining it. It wasn’t even summer yet so his permanent long sleeves matched most of the others.

By this time, he had reached the meeting place of the month: Xisuma’s living room. It was spacious enough to fit all of the hermits, but it was moderately hot, and the windows were high up, therefore it was stuffy.

Not wanting to be rude or offend Xisuma when they were alone together (that ended in bad results before, so Grian wasn’t taking any chances), he tentatively knocked on the door. A few seconds passed until the door opened slightly and a metal head came in to view.

Once Xisuma knew it was Grian, he opened the door fully and let Grian come through. He tentatively stepped in, and smiled slightly shakily. He found nothing but kindness in Xisuma’s eyes, nothing that would suggest he was in trouble. That comforted him more than anything else.

‘Tea?’ asked Xisuma, motioning to the hot teapot and mugs on the table in front of them. Grian accepted, and they sat down.

‘So, Grian.’ xisuma started. ‘You were an admin right?’ Grian nodded, sipped on his tea and immediately spat it out. Xisuma laughed and offered him an ice cube for his burnt tongue.

‘Thank you. Yea I was an admin once, why?’ Grian gave himself time to think about where this might lead by popping the ice cube in his mouth.

Xisuma had to be careful as to how he went about this, ‘So that means you know that as an admin I can see almost everything about my players then.’ Grian nodded, and Xisuma took that as a cue to continue, ‘So I can see everyone’s sleep patterns as well.’ Xisuma watched Grian carefully, yet still almost missed the falter in his happy expression. It was gone too quickly for his liking.

‘I just remembered that I hadn’t actually shut my front door; I had a heavy shulker to bring in and no hands to do it with, but then I got distracted and it slipped my mind.’ The lie was almost convincing, but then Xisuma remembered that he was in a server with a bunch of mentally-ill idiots who will do anything to stubbornly deny that something is wrong with them, and he should never trust anything they say.

‘How does that explain why you were awake at 1 in the morning?’ Xisuma’s expression was gentle behind his mask, ‘It’s happened before as well, Grian.’

Grian didn’t respond, just looked down slightly, away from Xisuma’s gaze. Xisuma noted this and decided to end the conversation there, ‘I’m always here to talk if you need to Grian, and so are all the other hermits, just say the word and I’m sure at least one of us will come running.’ The last part was said with a slight chuckle in his voice as he thought about the Hermits’ over-caring ways.

‘Anyway, time to get back to the meeting I think.’ Xisuma patted the seat that he was on, and stood up, going outside to shout at the Hermits to return so they could finish the meeting.

Chapter Text

The rest of the day passed as a slight blur for Grian, who was still playing what Xisuma had said in his mind. He still made sure to pay attention as Mumbo explained his latest mechanical masterpiece even though he had absolutely no idea what the redstoner was on about. He made sure to smile just as brightly as he normally did to Scar, letting him talk about a new idea for a collaboration. He still made sure to hold his head up, resisting the urge to stare down at his feet. He made sure to keep alert and not daydream, and he still made sure to act as lively as he usually forced himself to. But in his mind, his thoughts were swirling - Xisuma’s words replaying in his head over and over again. ‘It’s happened before, Grian.’ Well Xelqua knows he couldn’t stop his night terrors. In a way, Xelqua sort of even caused them.

It was when he got to the end of the day, and it was time to get into bed that he found himself, like every night, feeling lonely, and regretting not telling anyone about his problems. He stared up at the ceiling and a singular tear rolled down his cheek, glistening in the moonlight that entered through the unfinished back of his base. He quickly wiped it away, and turned over in his bed, facing away from the roof.

After a few hours of tossing and turning with his thoughts whirling, Grian realised he needed a distraction from the constant spiralling. The anxiety of the Hermits finding out about his problems sat hard in his stomach, almost like there was something solid there.

He dragged himself out of the comfort of his bed and the soft, red blanket that a Hermit had kindly bought for him. Pulling on some shoes, he made his way outside, and breathed in the late night air. Forget it, Xisuma can look at his sleep schedule all he wants, it’s not going to change.

Almost as soon as he reached the shopping district, it started to rain. Now, usually this was no problem. But, combined with the lack of sleep due to his nightmares, it felt like his carefully crafted work of ignoring his past was crashing down on him. A tear dripped down his face for the second time that night. This time, once the flood gates were open, there was no turning back. Grian fell back against the wall of an alleyway, and let himself slide down until he could hug his knees. And there, in the rain, having not slept properly for a good few months, he let himself cry. All of the pent up emotions let loose at once, leaving him sobbing and heaving for air. His entire body shook with the effort of it, and soon he was spent, exhausted.

How long he sat there, Xelqua knew. He just didn’t have the energy to get up and move.  He just couldn’t be bothered. Even breathing felt like such a massive effort, it was a surprise he was still doing it. Instinct, probably.

Suddenly, there was a voice. It cut through the hazy white curtains that spread around him, engulfing him and blocking out the world around him. The voice was persistent, though. Then, something touched his hand.

The physical touch was unexpected, and he jerked away from it. The place that was touched - his hand - felt slightly tingly, and it was enough for him to anchor on to, and slowly, agonisingly slowly, pull himself back to reality.

One of the first things he noticed was that it was far too bright for him. Wait. How long had he been sat here?  His thoughts started to spiral, but then he noticed the metal helmet next to his foot. Looking up, he saw Xisuma, who had removed his helmet and was staring straight at him with kind but worried eyes.

‘Are you back with me?’ He relaxed slightly when Grian hummed. Tension that Grian hadn’t realised was there seeped from the man’s shoulders, and he let out a sigh of relief.  ‘You gave me quite the scare there, Grian. I didn’t expect to see you on the floor. I almost tripped over you!’ The admin chuckled at his own humour, and it was obvious he was trying to lighten up the situation. Grian watched intently as Xisuma’s face turned from a half-chuckle into a more serious expression. ‘Are you okay?’ He asked.

Grian mulled the question over for a minute. Was he okay? There were so many emotions rushing through his head, and he didn’t know how to process any of them. The nightmare came rolling back into his mind, in all of its terrifying glory, but he frowned and shook the thought away. He suddenly realised Xisuma was still staring at him, waiting for an answer.

‘Uhhh… just some nightmares’, Grian winced at the roughness of his voice, hoarse from crying. Xisuma’s face immediately softened in understanding, and he gestured towards Grian, non-verbally asking If he could sit next to him. Grian nodded, and Xisuma shuffled so he was next to the latter. And there, he stayed. Grian was still sniffling from the episode earlier, but with the comfort of the admin next to him, the man felt he could finally relax.

Chapter Text

Grian lay in bed, staring up into the darkness that is usually accompanied by evening. Or, Grian glanced at his comm, 3am. The voices in his head were surprisingly quiet for being awake, merely muttering and conversing quietly. He relished in the moment, drinking in the peace. No-one had asked to meet up or dropped round to him since the day of the meeting, and, quite frankly, he was enjoying it. A sense of calm washed over him, only to be disrupted a second later by the familiar tune of rockets slowly approaching. Grian frowned and turned over, annoyed at the distraction. The voices had started up again, close to shouting as each individual one tried to figure out who it was. A moment later, a knock. Grian stiffened.

Unceremoniously, he rolled out of bed, reluctant to get the door but aware that if he didn’t answer suspicion would be raised. Who comes to crash at someone’s at 3am anyway? The bird-man straightened. He placed a smile on his face, careful to make it reach his eyes, and opened the door.

‘Hi there Grian, sorry to come in unannounced, but I noticed you were awake and wondered if you’d like some tea?’

Xisuma’s question was held in the air as Grian took in the man. Helmet was firmly on, visor on transparency- an act of trust, or was he trying to get Grian to lower his defences? Fiddling with his thumbs- nervous or just generally anxious? Did he have other intentions than tea? One leg crossed over the other, jamming his toes in the floor- off balance, a terrible pose if he wanted to fight, and anyways, if he wanted to kick him wouldn’t he have done it already?

All in all Grian couldn’t find any reason to deny tea to a man, especially since he’d come all this way. Grian straightened up again, conscious about his slouch, ‘Of course you can come in! Company is always appreciated at my humble abode!’ The crinkle in X’s eyes made the disruption worth it. It wasn’t like he was doing anything anyways, staring up at the ceiling in bed. Sleep wouldn’t come, so this was a welcome, enthusiastically welcomed, distraction.

Grian led Xisuma through his base, cringing at the mess. He hadn’t prepared for anyone to turn up, so clothes and random objects were strewn over the floor. He shot an embarrassed smile as X stepped carefully over a broken robot lying on its side that Grian had yet to mend and adjust. Finally, they got to the kitchen, where Grian turned on the kettle and sat down at the table where X had made himself comfortable.

‘So, how have you been?’ Xisuma asked. Their last encounter was less than ideal, and Xisuma was still quite concerned for the hybrid. Grian got up to retrieve the now screaming kettle and pour it into mugs, answering with ‘I’ve been good, still got nightmares but nothing I can’t handle.’ Xisuma frowned, though it was hidden by his helmet. Grian had said it so calmly, like it was a natural thing that happened to everybody, ‘Grian how often do you get nightmares?’ The concern in his voice was palpable.

Grian paused at the question, half way to passing the mug to Xisuma. He finished his task and sat down rather heavily. ‘Umm I get them quite often but again it’s nothing I can’t handle. I’m fine, I promise.’

Xisuma sighed, taking his helmet off. He took a long sip of his tea, relishing in the taste before bringing his attention back to the man in front of him that was watching every move he took. He formed an idea, but it meant stopping this conversation now. ‘Okay, as long as you promise to come to me if you’re not alright, yes?’ Grian nodded and Xisuma left it at that. ‘So, what are your plans for builds coming up?’

The two men talked for a long time together, Xisuma glad to be free of Admin work for a couple hours and Grian slowly loosening up as he realised X wasn’t out to get him. It was just a couple hours where they could catch up and have a chat, putting other matters to the side just for that space of time.

Eventually, Xisuma yawned, stretching his arms above him. His helmet was back on his head, as overworld air was quite heavy after a while. Time to put his plan into place. ‘Grian?’ The other man looked up at him, ‘Do you mind me staying over here tonight- or well, this morning, and getting some rest? You could join?’ He needed to see how often the man got troubled sleep, yet Xisuma would never admit to spying on people.

Grian weighed up the options in his head, but ultimately the exhaustion in his bones won the argument. He nodded, smiling, and led Xisuma to his bedroom. They got ready for bed, Xisuma taking off his suit and replacing it with joggers and a loose tshirt, and strapping a smaller filter to his face so he could sleep peacefully, and Grian emerging from the bathroom after a while, with an oversized hoodie thrown over some pyjama trousers. Grian’s grand double king queen massive bed was large enough to fit them both, so they settled down for some sleep.

Chapter Text

Xisuma woke up to thrashing and screaming. He rolled off the bed and prepared himself to be met with danger. Only for… nothing. But the screaming? Ah. Xisuma rushed over to Grian’s side, watching in horror as he howled his lungs out and fought with the duvet so aggressively that Xisuma swore that whatever demons he was fighting in his head were, he would get to the bottom of what was happening. Even if Grian wasn’t cooperative, he would find a way. Xisuma’s hands hovered over the yelling man, unable to do much but watch and listen.

After about 10 minutes, to the point where Xisuma was panicking and reaching out to wake him up, Grian let out a bloodthirsty scream and shot straight up in bed, wide awake. Xisuma watched with mild fascination as the hybrid forced himself to calm down, and willed his hands to stop shaking. He was still muttering short sentences to himself, flinching when the duvet moved, as if it caught him off guard. Xisuma had a feeling he was unnoticed.

At last, Grian’s breath was at least calm and he reached over to grab a glass of water from his bedside table, freezing like a deer in headlights as he noticed the Admin watching him. Grian took in Xisuma’s shaken face, and Xisuma took in Grian’s panicked one, and they locked eyes, until the hybrid’s eyes flashed purple and he jumped back, pressing his back against the wall that was the furthest distance away from the Admin, his breath stuttering.

Xisuma jumped into action, carefully approaching Grian like he would a wounded animal, gently shushing him and silently begging him to come to his senses. ‘Hey you’re okay, you’re okay, I’m here to help I promise, You’re okay, Grian can you hear me?’ He kept muttering words of comfort until he held Grian’s hands between his, desperately hoping it would bring Grian to. The man in question blinked, and let out a shuddering breath, going completely boneless against Xisuma, who caught and steadied him, gently urging him into a hug.

Grian’s sobs broke out, and he clung to Xisuma, finally receiving the hug he had so desperately wanted for so long. He could deal with the embarrassment later, for now, he just wanted the contact.

Xisuma didn’t know what to feel. Here was this man, who had convinced everyone on the server for years that he was a-okay, breaking down into him and sobbing uncontrollably, after having the worst nightmare Xisuma had ever seen someone have. He gently started carding his hands through Grian’s hair, unknotting it and smoothing it out. He muttered gentle words of comfort as the man cried.

Eventually, Grian’s sobs slowed down to sniffles, and his breathing slowed down, signalling to the Admin that he had fallen asleep. Xisuma carefully laid him down on his bed, and went to the kitchen, grabbing a glass of water and some tissues. He kept an eye on Grian as he did, praying to Xelqua that he didn’t have another nightmare, for both of their sakes.

Thankfully, he seemed to be sleeping nightmare-free for the moment, so Xisuma took the free time to tidy up some of Grian’s base, wanting to support the man in whatever way he could. Once satisfied, he sat beside Grian and sorted through some code, not really focussing, just time-wasting as the troubled man slept. He messaged Joe and some other admins that he was taking a break from admin duties and also sent a message to everyone saying not to bother Grian for a bit. He got a few worried replies asking if the hybrid was okay, but he assured them that everything was under control.

Grian started to stir a few hours later. It started with a breath in and a stretch, and then the man was stretching his limbs and blinking his eyes awake. He looked up at Xisuma, confused. The admin let him take a few minutes to register everything that had happened, and then watch as he sat up.

‘Morning G, how are you today?’ He said it as he usually would, but there was a soft undertone of a genuine worry that seeped into his words. Grian blinked again, then nodded at Xisuma. He took that as I-don’t-wanna-talk-right-now and offered tea instead, to which he got back another nod. Xisuma stood up, motioning to the water on the table, ‘Drink, it’ll help.’ And then left for the kitchen once more.

Xisuma stepped into the kitchen and turned the kettle on, taking a deep breath to calm his nerves. This was silly, he wasn’t the one that the next conversation would be delving into the mental state of. He shook his hands, forced his shoulders down, and readied the tea onto a tray with options for sugar and milk, since he didn’t ask Grian what he wanted. The Admin took another breath, and then carefully walked back to the bedroom, trying not to spill any tea.

By the time he got there, Grian looked much more awake than previously. And more anxious. He sat there in bed, fiddling with his fingers and keeping his head down, even as Xisuma gave him a reassuring smile. ‘So… G you know we gotta talk about this right?’ Grian simply nodded miserably. Xisuma let out yet another sigh and opened his arms for the hybrid, who all but fell into them. Xisuma stroked his hair, purposefully overlooking the wet patch growing on his t-shirt.

Chapter Text

By the time this hug was released, the tea had long since grown cold. Xisuma carefully sat back, wincing at his knees popping and smiling softly at Grian.

‘So…’ He started, prompting Grian to continue the sentence. Grian just sighed and turned away. Xisuma let him, knowing the man was trying to figure out the right words to use and how to explain, ’When I was taken,’ He started, then stopped. He took a deep breath and tried again, Xisuma just patiently waiting.

‘The Watchers changed me. Corrupted me. Tried to make me their little project. It umm… it messed with my head.’ Xisuma took in this information, processing it and storing it away. ‘How so?’ He asked gently, attempting to be comforting and by his standards, failing miserably.

Grian smiled bitterly, ‘They tried to make me like Them, turn me into a W- into one of Them.’ He continued before Xisuma could respond, ignoring the way the other sharply gasped, ‘I guess they saw potential in me, in this young admin who just wanted to create a world for his friends. They- They invaded my world, and took it from me.’

‘Oh Grian…’

‘At first, we were overjoyed. Deities? On our little server? We thought we were special. That they had chosen us to look over. I had a bad feeling from the start.’ Grian sighed, and clasped his hands together, fidgeting with them. Xisuma remained silent. ‘They gave us challenges to complete, rewarding us when we completed them and punishing us when we didn’t, or couldn’t. We had no choice but to go along with it. Each day I lost more control of the code, before one day, they blocked me out completely.’

Xisuma paled at the thought. He couldn’t ever imagine being locked out of something he works so hard to maintain and protect. Grian stopped for a moment, seemingly lost in memories, and Xisuma was about to reach out to pull him back before he inhaled and turned back to the admin.

‘They sent us all to fight the ender dragon. Separately. I reached the End and there were two of Them waiting for me. They Watched me fight, almost as if They were inspecting my skills. I reached the portal, but never made it through. They teleported me to the- to the Watcher domain, my new prison’ Grian sniffed a bit but schooled himself. Xisuma was horrified, but the tale was familiar, something he couldn’t quite place the origin of. Grian looked up at him again.

‘It was torture. They tortured me. They messed with my code and tried to make me… make me a Watcher.’ Xisuma straightened, it all had clicked into place now, ‘Evo?’

Grian nodded miserably.

Xisuma sat back. He had heard so much on the news on the little server overtaken by Watchers. He had heard so much on the news about the missing admin, about how no one knew where he had gone, about how they slowly gave up looking, naming him dead and moving on. It had pained Xisuma at the time, just watching it. But now, knowing that his player was the one who was tortured, the one that those *beasts* tried to change, it made him feel sick.

Grian took deliberate breaths, forcing his chest to keep moving. He could practically see the cogs turning in Xisuma’s eyes, how the admin got progressively paler as he pieced together the two different stories. He distantly wondered why he was telling the man this. He had tried to keep it a secret for so long, hide it away from any prying Eyes and focus on the future, and yet here he was, relaying everything to Xisuma. But he wasn’t done.

‘Xisuma…’ The admin’s head snapped up at him, curiously searching Grian’s eyes for what he was going to say. Grian took a deep breath, and swallowed, clearing his suddenly dry throat, ‘I’m part Watcher.’ He let the admin process that, slowly holding his breath for the repercussions.

Xisuma was grateful that he had had many years of practicing a poker face with his brother. He took in the words carefully, unsure how to feel, and searched the rest of his memory for moments where he could have figured it out.

Grian’s eyes flashing purple

The way he rarely showed emotion when he first joined

That one mask that Xisuma had passed as a halloween costume, ignoring the slight familiarity

Huh. Yeah, Xisuma should probably have joined the dots sooner.

But then, his practical brain took over, like a bucket of ice cold water had been poured over his being. A Watcher, on his server. The one thing he had vowed to never let happen. But he couldn’t kick Grian, it wasn’t his fault, and Mumbo may come for his head if he did. Nevertheless, he needed to think things over.

’Thank you for telling me Grian, I’m glad you feel like you can trust me. I’m sure you know I am incredibly opposed to having Watchers on my server.’ Grian winced, closing his eyes.

‘I’ll pack my stuff.’

‘However, you have proven yourself to be a great hermit and mingle with the community spectacularly, as well as becoming an amazing friend to all of us.’ Grian opened an eye, something akin to hope glimmering in it. Xisuma continued, ‘I would like you to stay in this server. I made it as a safe place for anyone running from anything, as you know, and many of us have pasts we would rather forget. You have proven yourself to be reliable and not at all dangerous to any of us, so don’t you dare think you can leave us yet.’ Xisuma made a joke of it, attempting to lighten the tension radiating around the room, but he let the words have their affect.

Grian smiled, then frowned, then grinned, then looked up to the admin once more. ‘I- I can stay?’

‘Yes Grian, you can stay.’

Grian’s eyes widened. He had fully expected to be banned to the void once he told someone, classed as dangerous and unpredictable. But Hermitcraft was his home, and in some amazing stroke of luck he had found a miracle in the darkness of what had happened. A loving family, who would support him through anything.

Xisuma, straightened, standing up and frowning at the cold tea. ‘I would like to go over some options with Doc on what to do with your code. There are a few options, one including a block on anything deity-like. You can also choose to share it with the hermits, or keep it quiet. The backstory rule still stands, even for you. There’s also choices on your nightmares. We can add a layer of code to block it. You may find that therapy sessions are a useful tool for working things through, and I can connect you to a reliable one that a few of the hermits go to already. Having said that, my door is always open, be it day or night, rain or shine. I want to support you as much as I can.’

Grian couldn’t believe his ears, or his eyes, or anything about this situation, for that matter. For so long he had imagined being kicked off the server, forced to roam the void until his code dispersed, but here was the admin. Telling him he could stay. He could stay. The words finally hit him, and he had to blink fiercely for a few seconds before he started crying.

‘I- thank you, thank you Xisuma thank you!’

Xisuma just smiled and pulled the man into a hug.

‘You’ll be fine, I promise.’