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Chapter Text

The downside of not having told his parents about TK and him breaking up was that it meant he had nowhere to go at night. During the day he could keep himself busy – go to work, the gym, run errands, but once it got dark, he couldn’t very well park his car in a Walmart lot and go to sleep. He couldn’t afford for one of his coworkers to arrest him for loitering. The logical thing to do would be to tell his parents that he and TK were done, but they’d been so accepting of everything and, for the first time in his life, he didn’t feel like he was disappointing them. So, instead of sleeping in a warm, familiar bed, Carlos went to a rundown motel off 6^th Avenue with questionable linens and rotating neighbors.

He'd been going to his parents' as little as possible to keep the questioning to a minimum about TK and why he was suddenly coming to them more when he needed to drop when he hadn’t done that in a long time. But Carlos simply couldn’t afford to be going to Center’s frequently with the nightly expense of living in a motel. Not to mention he was eating a lot of take-out and non-perishables because the room he was in didn’t even have a mini-fridge let alone a microwave or oven. It was just one room, a twin bed, and a tiny stall of a shower. It was fine though, he was doing fine.

It didn’t matter that outside of work he barely talked to anyone and when he did, it was to his parents on the phone or when he asked to come be little with them for a night. Since TK had broken up with him over the idea of Carlos offering to buy the loft, Carlos hadn’t seen any of their shared friend group. Why would he? They were TK’s friends first and they’d be his in the breakup because that’s how things worked. Carlos hadn’t brought much into their relationship at all beside himself and he missed how open TK had made him feel. But he’d been stupid in suggesting buying the loft. Once upon a time, he’d bought a car he was just barely able to afford on his own and that’s what would have happened again if he bought the loft so, instead, he let it go.

Most nights were hard, but tonight was harder and he wished that he had managed to get the confidence to tell his parents that he’d been feeling a little on edge, but at the same time, he had work in the morning. It was better for everyone if he came back tonight so his commute wouldn’t be as bad in the morning. Or, it would have been until he had to pull over on the side of the road when he realized that he was in no condition to be driving right now. Carlos just sighed and quietly gathered the important things from the car – wallet, keys, phone – and locked it up. He didn’t much care for leaving his Camaro on the side of a dusty road just on the outskirts of town, but it was better than the alternative.

He should call someone. No one was going to pick up a dropped little on an abandoned road – they should, but they won’t and Carlos knows that. His parents are nearly forty-five minutes away and Carlos is only about an hour’s walk away from the hotel; he could get himself there and inside and it would be fine. There was no one else to call to come and get him. With that decided, Carlos quietly started to trudge in the direction of the hotel.

The cold hadn’t quite come to Texas yet, but Carlos still wished he had worn a sweater or thought to grab a jacket when he’d left for work that morning because walking under the moon alone like this made him shake with vulnerability and maybe with a sweater, he’d feel more together. Instead, he settled for tucking his bag tighter to him, his hands balled into fists inside of his pockets. He tried not to think about the gun he had tucked into the waistband of his pants. Once he got back to the motel, it would be okay. He’d get inside and lock it up. If he had to, he could take a day off tomorrow. He hadn’t had food poisoning in awhile, surely he could get away with that?

“Carlos?”

Carlos jumped and turned his head, squinting to see who had stopped next to him on the street. He relaxed only when he realized that it was Grace Ryder and not someone looking to kill him.

“Hello, Grace,” Carlos said quietly.

“What’re you doing out here?” Grace asked. “Are you okay?”

“I’m ‘kay,” Carlos said.

“Are you sure about that, sweetheart?”

Carlos’s face flushed and he looked down at himself, knowing how it must look to Grace, but really he was fine. Sure he’d taken off his right shoe because the laces had come undone and he couldn’t tie it which had caused him to trip. And yeah, tripping like that meant that his palms got a little scraped up and there was now a tear in the jeans of his right knee which opened up to show a cut, but he was fine. Everything was okay.

“Uh-huh,” Carlos said. 

“What’re you doing out here? It’s late. Are you hurt?”

“Just walkin’,” Carlos said. “Gotta get to motel.”

“Oh, I see. You’re at a motel?”

“Jus’ for a little bit,” Carlos said quickly.

“Yeah. That makes sense. Well, listen, sweetheart, do you think maybe I could give you a ride to the motel? It’s just dark and I could really use some company for a little bit.”

“Oh,” Carlos said and he took a slight step backward. “Is ‘kay. I’m almost there.”

“Are you?” Grace asked. “Which one are you staying at?”

“Super 8,” Carlos said. “6^th Street ‘cross from the Waffle House.”

“Okay, yeah, that’s close, but I can get you there a little bit quicker and I really would love the company. Please won’t you ride with me?”

Carlos studied Grace and slowly he nodded, figuring she really was just trying to be nice. And it wasn’t like Carlos would steal her away from TK – she was married to Judd and he would stay by his pseudo-little brother. He clambered into the front seat despite feeling like he should probably be in the back and Grace didn’t say anything about it.

“Where were you coming from?”

“Mami and Papi’s,” Carlos said immediately.

“Oh,” Grace said. She thought about what she knew about Carlos. “Don’t they live out on some land?”

“Uh-huh,” Carlos said.

“You walked all the way from there?”

“Oh, no ma’am. I drived but stopped on account of not feel too, too big. So I walk to motel from the car.”

“That’s real good, baby,” Grace praised. “Why didn’t you call someone?”

“Who?” Carlos asked sounding genuinely confused.

“Anyone? One of your friends? Me?”

“No one to call,” Carlos said. “Is okay, Miss Grace. I could get to motel and then time for sleep.”

“I’m not sure if you should be alone tonight, sweetheart. Do you think after we get to the hotel we can pack some things for you and then you can come home with me?”

“Oh,” Carlos said. He shook his head, shifting as he saw the hotel come up in the distance. “No, tha’s ‘kay Miss Grace.”

“I would really feel more comfortable,” Grace said. “Just for tonight? And you can tell Judd where your car is and he’ll go get it and bring it over. That way in the morning, you can leave when you’re ready.”

Convincing Grace to leave him alone at the motel was a fruitless endeavor and, the most Carlos got from her was the ability to go into the motel room alone to pack a small bag of his things for the overnight. He’d been adamant she not come in and Grace hadn’t pushed the issue. The motel room was small and dirty and Carlos shifted through the pile of clothes for his pajamas, grabbing them and shoving them in the bag he left the room without adding anything else.

The Ryder’s home was warm and welcoming, like walking into a hug, but Carlos shivered almost immediately. Grace had a hand on his arm and he let her lead him into the nursery. He’d seen the nursery before, but only in passing on nights when TK insisted he intrude on their dinners. It was a nice nursery, nicer than Carlos had ever been in, though admittedly, he hadn’t been in many. His condo hadn’t had one and at his parents he slept in his childhood bedroom, forever immortalized as who he was at nineteen when he moved out.

There was a twin bed in the corner of the room with a brightly colored comforter on top and a dresser pressed against the wall across from it. The other side of the room hosted an oversized rocking glider that Carlos could imagine falling asleep in as someone read a story from one of the books on the shelf next to it. A toy box was nearby and Carlos was certain that it was filled to near bursting and more toys littered around the room, though none that Carlos felt held his interest immediately, nor should they, he thought with a jolt. Carlos wasn’t here to play or to stay longer than the one night.

“Are you hungry?” Grace asked. “I was going to put something on the stove for me and Judd.”

“No thank you, Miss Grace,” Carlos said.

“Okay, sweetie. Do you need any help getting into jammies?”

Grace left him alone to change and Carlos took a moment to stand there and soak in the room without her watching him. He had known that the pair of them fostered little’s through conversations he’d had with Michelle and, at one time, they’d been fostering Mateo, but Carlos wasn’t prepared for just how good at it they were. Any little would be lucky to be placed with them. Not him, though. This was too nice and Carlos would never have been able to afford staying with them.

He was quick to strip out of his clothes, throwing them into his bag before putting on his pajamas and a pull-up, the latter being most important because he did not want to risk an accident in their nice home. Once he was dressed, he stood nervously next to the bed, holding his bag and quietly pulled his gun out of it. He knew he wasn’t supposed to have been holding the gun the way he had been that evening or at all now, but he didn’t know what to do with it now. A knock burst through his thoughts and Carlos jumped, nearly dropping the gun on the floor in his surprise.

“Carlos?” Judd asked. “Can I come in?”

“Uh-huh,” Carlos said, finding it odd that Judd would ask. It was his house.

Judd pushed the door open and his eyes widened immediately at the gun in Carlos’s hand. The officer had never dropped around them before, so he wasn’t exactly sure of his drop age, but a gun around any little was not something that Judd, even in all his Texan glory, could get behind.

“Hey, Carlos,” Judd said carefully. “How about you give me that gun, sweetheart?”

Carlos frowned. “’S for work, Mr. Judd.”

“I know that,” Judd said. “But you’re not at work right now, so you don’t need it, right? I can take it and put it in my safe for you.”

Carlos’s brows furrowed slightly. “I need it ‘morrow mornin’.”

“I promise you’ll get it back once you’re bigger,” Judd said. “But I really do need you to give it to me now. Guns aren’t for little boys.”

“Yeah,” Carlos said, nodding.

He handed the gun over to Judd who took it quickly, double checking the safety was on before heading to his bedroom to lock it up immediately. For a man who walked into burning buildings for a living, including two that day alone, he had scarcely ever been as scared as he’d been to see Carlos loosely holding the gun, any safety he’d learned in regards to them clearly not having been retained.

When Judd came back to the nursery, Carlos hadn’t moved, standing by the edge of the twin bed and looking around like he was waiting for instruction.  It was nearing half past eight and, as Carlos had been up since half five that morning, he was all but ready for bed, if he was telling the truth.

“I sorry,” Carlos said, looking up at Judd.

“What’re you sorry for?”

Carlos shrugged, wondering where to even begin. He rubbed at his eyes and then dropped his hand to his mouth, letting his fingers hover near his lips before dropping it down to his side and twisted a little, giving a sideways glance toward the bed. Before Grace had picked him up, the plan had been to get to the motel and sleep and now he still wanted to sleep, but Grace hadn’t given him any instructions for what to do after he got into his pajamas.

“Are you tired?” Judd asked.

“Uh-huh,” Carlos said.

“Do you want to be tucked into bed?” Judd asked.

Carlos blinked up at him and then back at the bed. He very much so did want to be tucked in, but he wasn’t sure if that was something that he was allowed to want or have from Judd.

“I can sleep?” Carlos asked, reaching out with a tentative hand to touch the comforter on the bed. He almost wanted to cry that’s how soft it was.

The motel bed that he’d been sleeping on was uncomfortable. The mattress was hard and lumpy; each one of its springs having made themselves known to Carlos’s body over the last month. The sheets were thin and papery and the blanket just as thin but scratchy against his skin and he hated sleeping under it, but Carlos had always needed a blanket when he slept. Even if it was a hundred and ten degrees, he’d be begging for a blanket to cover him so he’d get some good sleep.

“Yeah, kiddo,” Judd said. He moved closer, tugging down the blanket to expose the sheets and patted at them. “Come lie down.”

Carlos climbed into the bed and nearly cried at how nice the sheets felt against his skin. Most of him was covered, but that would matter in the night when he tossed and turned, twisting up inside of them. Warily, he stuck his thumb in his mouth, blinking up at Judd tiredly as the larger man brought the comforter up and over him.

“Do you want a story?” Judd asked.

This time, Carlos shook his head. He would’ve loved a story, either one told to him off the cuff or one read from inside one of the books adorning the shelves, but he wasn’t going to be difficult. Carlos knew that he was often difficult or too much. TK had said as much when he’d tried to by the loft and his parents had all but told him so when he’d come out and then again when he’d been classified – they hadn’t said this in so many words, but their silence spoke volumes. And now that he was intruding on the Ryder’s, he was going to take up as little of their space and time as possible.

“Well, if you’re sure,” Judd said. “If you need anything tonight, you come get Gracie or me, okay?”

“Kay, Mr. Judd,” Carlos mumbled. “Thank ‘ou.”

Judd smiled and flicked on a nightlight by the bed and turned out the lights on his way out of the room.

When Carlos woke up in the morning, he had no idea where he was, but he’d had possibly the best night sleep of his life. For the first time in weeks, he cozied up under the blanket, letting the soft comforter brush against his cheek, reveling in it for just a few seconds before he realized where he was and what had happened. His face flamed just thinking about Grace finding him on the side of the road and bringing him back here; of Judd getting him to tell him where he’d parked his car on the side of the road so he could go and pick it up and bring it here for him. He had burdened them too much.

Carlos made the bed when he got out of it despite knowing they would just immediately strip it for the wash once he left, letting his hands run over the soft fabric one last time before he pulled on the same clothes he’d been wearing the night before. Though Grace had told him to pack a bag, she hadn’t been specific and Carlos had only the foresight to put in pajamas and his toothbrush. It was fine though because he wasn’t going to work today, so he could get back to the hotel and clean up. Maybe the motel room had a sewing kit so he could patch the hole in his jeans. He came out of the bedroom quietly, stopping only for a quick brush of his teeth and a pee, tucking his used pull-up into the trash can before covering it up with a bunch of toilet paper so they wouldn’t have to look at it. As an afterthought, he just took the bathroom trash with him, taking out the bag and trying it at the top.

“Hey, Carlos,” Judd said when he finally came into the common area. “How’re you feeling?”

“Fine, thank you,” Carlos said. “Thank you for letting me stay here last night. I ‘preciate it.”

“Yeah, no problem. You scared Grace half to death last night walking around like that,” Judd said.

“Sorry,” Carlos said.

“Next time, call someone, yeah?” Judd said. “Do you want breakfast?”

“No,” Carlos said quickly. “I mean, no thank you. Work.”

“Right,” Judd said. “Let me go grab your gun.”

Judd came back holding the device and Carlos took it from him easily and thought about how he might have to spend more money on a secondary lock box to keep with him at all times.

“Seriously, next time call someone, okay?” Judd said. “Scared the crap out of me when I saw you holding that thing.”

“Yeah, I usually have a lock box for it,” Carlos said. “Thanks again, Judd.”

He let Judd give him a one-armed hug before he beat a hasty retreat out to his car where he took several deep breaths before he put the key in the ignition and drove back to the dingy motel that was now his home.

Chapter Text

Carlos was sitting on the floor of the hotel room, quietly watching a show on his phone when a knock came at the door and he jumped. He turned to look at the door, not sure why anyone would be knocking on it, and assumed that whoever it was must’ve been at the wrong room. When another series of knocks came up, Carlos paused the video and pushed himself up, trying desperately to force himself out of headspace. He knew that he wasn’t supposed to be small and alone and that it could be disastrous if the wrong person found him as such, but he didn’t have much of a choice. His parents were on vacation and he didn’t have money to go to a center. Where else would he have gone?

“Carlos? Are you in there? It’s Judd Ryder.”

He knew that voice and that name. Carlos moved closer to the door and peeked through the peephole and sure enough the tall firefighter was standing on the other side. What was he even doing there?

“Mr. Judd?” He asked hesitantly.

“Hey,” Judd said, sighing in relief. He’d seen the kid’s car out front, so he had figured the boy was there and had been worried when he hadn’t answered. “Can you open the door, kiddo?”

“M not ‘posed to,” Carlos said hesitantly.

“Oh, why is that?”

“Not ‘lowed open outside doors when small,” Carlos said.

This was a rule that his parents had instilled in him when he was over at their house and it had transitioned to one outside of their home as well. Carlos didn’t open doors to go outside or for anyone who knocked when he was small. His mami often said that opening doors was not a job for little boys and his papi said that little boys who broke rules needed to be spanked and Carlos did not want to be spanked, thank you very much.

“That’s a great rule.” Judd said. “But I was hoping that we could talk, Carlos. You know me and I’m not a stranger, so that should be okay, right? Or is there someone with you that could open the door?”

Carlos frowned and shifted, one hand poised over the lock, but he drew it back quickly as if he had been burned. If he opened the door, he was going to be in a whole lot of trouble. For messing with locks, for opening the door, for being small without a grown up.

“Is okay, Mr. Judd,” Carlos said. “I’m ‘kay.”

“I really would like to see that for myself, Carlos. I promise you’re not going to be in any trouble,” Judd said. He had the feeling that the boy was alone on the other side of the door, but he had no idea for how long he had been or when someone else was going to be showing up to help him. Until that happened, though, Judd was absolutely not leaving.

It had been by pure luck and happenstance that Judd had been passing by the hotel and had seen the too familiar blue Camaro in the parking lot. He remembered the week before, Carlos having been brought home by Gracie and the panic he had felt watching him hold a gun and figured he would just stop by for a quick check to make sure the kid was doing okay. Since breaking up with TK, Judd knew Carlos hadn’t been around anyone much, if at all, and that worried him, especially considering not too long before that a fire had taken out his entire home. Judd knew what kind of devastation that could leave on one’s psyche and he couldn’t in good conscious not make sure the Little was doing okay.

“Carlos?” Judd tried again. “It’s okay if you’re alone. I’m sure you’re just waiting for someone to come get you, right?”

The lie sat in Carlos’s throat, poised to say that yes, of course someone was on their way to come and get him. He could already taste the soap his mami would put in his mouth for telling fibs before he had even gotten it out, but still, he did.

“Uh-huh,” Carlos said.

“So you shouldn’t stay alone now, right?” Judd asked. “I can wait with you until someone comes.”

Carlos cracked open the door just an inch, peeking out at Judd with his too wide eyes. The other man was smiling, his hands in his pockets and he brought one up to wave.

“Hey, little man,” Judd said. “Thank you for opening the door. That was so brave.”

“Brave?” Carlos repeated.

“It was,” Judd said. “Can I come in now? While we wait for someone else to come stay with you?”

Carlos glanced back in the room and shifted nervously. Even in this headspace, he knew the room was a wreck. But he hadn’t had time to clean before work recently and by the time he got home he was usually halfway to small and in no shape to clean anything.

“It’s okay,” Judd said soothingly. “Little boys make messes, right?”

The mess behind him wasn’t mostly made by him when he was small, but Carlos nodded anyway, turning back to look at Judd. He slowly opened the door more, letting the older man get a peek into how Carlos had been living recently. There were clothes strewn across the desk, his clean and dirty piles merging together, and his work things were placed right on top of a pair of jeans, including his gun, which was very much not locked up again. An empty cereal box stuck out of the trash can and another half spilled across the bed, where he’d been eating it as a snack earlier (later, he’d have several more handfuls as his dinner). Another bag of trash leaned against a wall and, though Carlos was used to it now, the room smelled vaguely of pee thanks in large part due to the trash not having been taken out. He kept forgetting when he left. Room service could have come and helped to clean the room, but Carlos had resolved himself to do it all on his own. He didn’t have the money to tip the maids and his mami had always instilled that you tip the waitstaff.

Judd looked around the room, locking eyes on the gun again and then a safe where he assumed the weapon should be and took in a breath. That was the most disturbing part of the whole scenario, but he had to admit the rest of it didn’t look great either. Off-brand Froot Loops scattered across a dingy looking hotel blanket, an overflowing bag of trash and another tied up leaning against the wall. Clothes spilling out of a backpack and across the dresser. This wasn’t just some little boy mess and, aside from the colorful cereal and the vague smell of pee, there wasn’t much evidence of a little being there at all. There were no toys for starters.

“What’ve you been doing?” Judd asked. “Have you been playing with something while you wait?”

Carlos pointed to the phone that was lying next to the bed. He had it paused on an episode of Blue’s Clues and Judd nodded, accepting this easily. It was easy for all little’s to spend too much time on a screen and Judd wondered where all of his toys were.

“Why’re you staying here?” Judd asked. “I thought you were staying at your parents?”

Carlos cocked his head to the side, wondering where he might have heard that from before remembering that after he’d gotten his things from the Strand’s, that’s where he told TK that he’d be going. Surely TK would have told them all about Carlos’s misdeeds and where he had retreated to because of them. He wasn’t sure why Judd was here at all after all the wrong he had done.

“Mami an’ papi in Galv’ston,” Carlos said easily. “I work.”

Judd nodded at this, realizing this would explain for an unexpected drop if his current primary caretakers were on vacation. It made him feel a little better knowing that soon, Carlos was sure to be brought back to his parents, his headspace controlled once more. Until then, Judd resolved that he would watch out for the boy who clearly needed some kind of stability.

“When they come back are you going to be staying with them?”

“Uh-huh,” Carlos said and that wasn’t a lie. When they came back, he’d go be little with him. That’s what he normally did for big drops like this.

Carlos moved past Judd and sat back down on the ground, one hand reaching up for a handful of the froot loops while his other reached back for his phone. For the moment, Judd let him be and quietly went about folding clothes and picking up trash that he’d take out when they left because Judd had no doubt about it – Carlos would be coming home with him that day.

It was hard to concentrate on his show and his sugary cereal with Judd looming around the room and Carlos found his mind wandering as his eyes followed him around the room. The video on his phone ended and he did reach to put on another, turning to watch as Judd came out of the bathroom, holding onto a damp and dank towel that he’d been using for nearly a month. His face flushed as Judd added it to a pile of linens he’d stacked by the door and he cocked his head to the side warily.

“Mr. Judd? What doin’?”

“Just putting some things to the side for housekeeping to come and get,” Judd said easily. “Looked like you could use some fresh blankets and a new towel.”

“Oh,” Carlos said. “No, no. I ‘kay.”

“When do you go back to your parents?” Judd asked.

“Back soon,” Carlos said. “No new stuffs. I ‘kay.”

“It’s okay,” Judd said. “They’ll come in and help you and give you new blankets and towels. It’s customary, buddy.”

Carlos shifted, choosing to let Judd believe that it was just him not knowing they would bring in new things for him because he didn’t want the man to know that he had such a small budget these days. He would scrounge up a few dollars and skip lunch the next day to afford the luxury of housekeeping today.

“How about we go and let them come in this afternoon and you can come back to my house for a little bit.”

“Is ‘kay,” Carlos said quietly. “I stay here.”

“Are you sure?” Judd asked. “Because I could really use some company today so I’m not lonely while Grace is working.”

Carlos frowned and looked up at the man again. He was lonely? Carlos knew what that was like and he wouldn’t wish that upon anyone.

“I go,” Carlos said.

“You will?” Judd asked, smiling softly.

“Keep comp’ny,” Carlos said solemnly.

Before they left, Judd helped him to pack a bag and, while he did that, Carlos quietly pulled out his wallet and took out one of his bills, placing it on the stack of linens and towels, hoping it was enough to cover the cost of having to change things for him. If Judd thought he needed to do it, he probably did, but he wished that it wasn’t going to cost him a meal sometime later that week. He always tried to have at least one hot meal a day, sometimes it was lunch and others it was dinner, it really depended on what his partner Lexie was doing for the day.

“I’m kind of hungry,” Judd commented. “Are you hungry? I was thinking we could stop and get something.”

Carlos was sitting in the back of Judd’s truck, strapped in tight to the car seat and he tensed, thinking about the bills in his wallet and the numbers in his bank account, which he never liked to do when small. Hunger constantly ebbed at him these days because he wasn’t eating enough, but Carlos already had lunch. He’d had two whole handfuls of cereal before Judd had come over! The plan had been to only have one and a half, but Carlos couldn’t help himself. Later, when the box emptied sooner than it should, he would hate himself for it, but right now his tummy was happy. Mostly.

“No, no,” Carlos said, shaking his head back and forth. “Ated ear’ier.”

“What did you eat?”

“Seer-ul,” Carlos said. “Loops.”

“Well, I think I’m going to stop and get something,” Judd said. “Why don’t I get you a Happy Meal just in case?”

Not even Carlos could resist the pull of a happy meal. While burgers and fries weren’t his idea of a good comfort meal, getting a toy with one was certainly a draw, and too good of a reward to pass up. Because they were at a red light, Judd was able to see Carlos’s eyes widen and his mouth fall open just a little bit. He nodded and swung through drive thru on the way by the house, ordering himself the double quarter pounder and Carlos’s tentatively asked for chicken nuggets. He keeps the food up front with him, but when they get to his house, he handed the happy meal box and chocolate milk to Carlos to carry inside.

Carlos carried his bag in the house, being ushered into the kitchen by Judd as he rooted around in it for his wallet. He pulled it open and grabbed some of the wrinkled bills, the numbers on them doing little more than confuse him and he thrust them up at Judd before reaching into his box and pulling out the apple slices.

“What’s this for?”

“Food,” Carlos said. He held up the apple slices. “Open, p’ease?”

Judd opened the apples and set them on the table before pressing the bills back into Carlos’s hands. “No sir, this is my treat. You just eat your food and don’t worry about paying me back.”

“Not ‘nough?” Carlos asked, looking at the money that easily would’ve paid for their two meals twice over.” \

“It’s more than, but I’m not going to take it.”

Judd reached into the happy meal box and took out the little bag with a toy and the barbecue sauce for the nuggets, opening the latter and leaving the former alone. Carlos didn’t even glance at the toy, knowing better than to look at it before he finished eating.

“All done,” Carlos said. He had half the chicken nuggets left, some fries, and a few apple slices still untouched.

“All done? You’ve barely even eaten half. Are you feeling sick?”

“Save for Miss Grace. Not gots somethin’ for her.”

He was about to scoop this boy up and never let him go because he was too sweet.

“Miss Grace isn’t here tonight and is getting her dinner somewhere else, so I want you to eat as much as you want until your tummy is all full okay?”

Carlos finished eating and then handed the bag with the toy to Judd to open for him, absolutely delighted when he pulled out a plush black cat, all of two inches in height. He carried it with him as Judd herded him to the nursery, telling him he could play with anything he wanted before disappearing to clean up the breakfast dishes like he promised Grace he’d do that night.

The toys in the room mostly skewed older and Carlos knew that Mateo was closer to five or six and TK was somewhere around three. Carlos tried to be around the age of TK mostly, having once overheard his parents talking about how young he regressed to in his headspace and it sounded like they were upset and Carlos wasn’t sure why they wouldn’t be. There were some cars in the toy box and several leftover Pokemon action figures (Carlos could recognize Pikachu and no one else), but nothing that sparked his interest, so he turned and went back to the kitchen, settling himself on the floor by the table with his new little plush cat without Judd noticing.

“Hey, what’re you doing in here?” Judd asked, kneeling down.

“P’ay,” Carlos said, waving his little cat up at Judd with a soft smile.

“Don’t you want to play with the toys in the nursery?” Judd asked. “We’ve got all kinds.”

Carlos shook his head back and forth. “No t’anks.”

Judd studied him and then shrugged, figuring that maybe Carlos just needed to be close to someone right now. He didn’t mind being the person he clung to if that was the case.

Chapter Text

Carlos pulled up to his parents’ house and sat in the driver’s seat for too many beats to be normal. He had agreed to watch their house for them while they went on a long weekend vacation to Galveston mostly because it meant he didn’t have to pay for another three nights in a hotel. Not to mention his mami was sure to have plenty of leftovers stocked up in the fridge that he would be able to gorge himself on, which would be a nice break from cereal. He was starting to get sick of the off-brand Cheerios he had this time, but for less than two dollars, it was the perfect food for him to buy. Tonight maybe he’d have tamales made with love and stuck in the freezer for a later date or, if there were no tamales, he could make do with rice and beans or other leftovers from throughout the week. Carlos knew his mami had a hard time cooking for just her and his dad, their fridge always full of leftovers she was more than happy to share with him. 

The first thing he did when he got inside was put his bag away in his childhood bedroom. Carlos had moved out at nineteen and the room was very much a shrine to his past self. There were no poster’s on the walls because Carlos had never cared enough to tack anything up unlike his sister’s, both of whom had been yelled at by Gabriel on more than one occasion for putting too many holes in the wall. Instead, he had one family photo hung up near his desk and a crucified Jesus hanging over his bedroom door, placed there long ago by his mother. Even in his darkest days, Carlos hadn’t dared tried to take him down. If Jesus didn’t strike him down for the act, his mother sure would have, his father right after. The bedroom could have been a spare one, put together for just guests with the green comforter that he’d adored; even now, nearly ten years after it was purchased, it was just as soft as it always had been. Part of him wanted to curl up right then and there and sleep until morning. A bigger part of him craved food.

He stripped out of his day clothes and pulled on a pair of pajamas that had seen better days. Despite being new to his wardrobe (thank you to the fire for burning every article of clothing he’d had), they were old and threadbare, purchased on clearance at a thrift store; not to mention he’d been wearing them every night for over a week and hadn’t washed them once. Getting to do laundry was a luxury and, having forgotten to add them to the laundry bag to take the laundromat on the last laundry day, he had to wait to do his clothes again. Maybe he could do a load while he was here. He made a mental note to remember to ask his mami if he could when he talked to her tomorrow and moved to the kitchen.

There weren’t any tamales in the freezer, but there was some leftover chicken and tortillas in the fridge and that would be easy enough to reheat. He dumped the chicken into one pan, turning up the heat before starting another burner and grabbing a tortilla. His mom had been heating up tortillas over the stove all his life and, when he was old enough, she’d taught Carlos how to move the tortilla around, getting it perfectly cooked over an open flame. Carlos was good at cooking when he was big and it was something that he thoroughly enjoyed, which is why it caught him as a surprise when his hand brushed the flame and, in shock, he dropped the tortilla and watched in horror as it caught fire.

Carlos backed up, bumping against the counter behind him as he stared at the flames in front of him. For a moment, he wasn’t in his parent’s kitchen, but in the bedroom of his old townhouse, flames igniting off curtains and trapping him and TK behind a wall of fire. The side of his hand throbbed where the fire had caught him and he turned to look at the reddened skin before looking back up at the stovetop and wall and the flames that were burning bright, looming tall. TK wasn’t here this time and no pack of firefighters were going to rescue him. He leaned over to the sink, turned on the water and used the sprayer until all that was left was smoke and ash. Then, he stuck his hand under the cold stream, trying to wash away the burning pain.

With the fire gone, Carlos stared blankly at the mess in front of him. The white wall was ashy and yellowed. There was a charred mess of what was once a tortilla and, next to it, a pan with now watered-down chicken. He reached out, touching it with his good hand and considered still eating it. His mom wasn’t a fan of food waste, but one bite of the now watery chicken and Carlos felt his stomach roll. Carlos turned quickly, letting the contents of his stomach spill into the sink. There wasn’t much, some cereal from breakfast, one street taco from Juan Juan tacos because they did dollar tacos on Tuesdays from twelve til two, and nothing else but the piece of watery chicken, not even close to being digested.

He leaned back, wiping at his mouth with his good hand and turned off the water with his bad, sliding down against the refrigerator and backing up until he met the wall. His gaze was unfocused as his eyes slid back to the wall. His parents were going to kill him for making it all dirty. That’s all Carlos could think about as he sat on the linoleum flooring, cradling his injured hand; his dad was going to get home and paddle his backside for not being more careful and ruining their stove and wall. It didn’t matter that his hand hurt or that he’d thrown up. Carlos didn’t matter nearly as much as the house.

Eventually, Carlos fished his phone out of his pocket and stared down at it. He was scared and alone and the fire alarm kept beeping because of all of the smoke. He knew that getting up and pushing the button wouldn’t do anything, but he felt entirely too lost to come up with the plan of what he should do. Carlos kept staring at the phone, not wanting to bother anyone, but he just needed a little direction and then he could fix it himself. He just needed to know how.

“Hello?” Judd answered the phone.

“Um, hi-hi Mr. Judd, sir,” Carlos said into the phone.

“Hey, Carlos,” Judd said. “What’s going on buddy?”

“I, um,” Carlos said hesitating as he tried to figure out what to say.

“Wait, Carlos. Is that a fire alarm? Are you in a fire? Did you call 911?”

“No more fire,” Carlos said. “How turn off ‘larm? Lotsa smoke. And um, how clean wall good?”

“But there was a fire?” Judd asked, already at the door pulling on his shoes. “Where are you, buddy? I’m going to come get you.”

“No, no. Not need,” Carlos said urgently. “I just-I just gots kestins p’ease.”

“Carlos, are you alone right now?”

“Um, uh-huh.”

“Then I’m going to come get you. I’ll answer your questions, but first you need to tell me where you are. Are you at the motel still?”

“Nuh-uh, mami and papi’s house,” Carlos said. “Them’s…they’s gonna be mad at ‘Los.”

“No one’s going to be mad at you, buddy,” Judd assured. “Everyone will just be happy you’re okay.”

Carlos wasn’t sure that was true. His mom liked to keep her kitchen spick and span and his dad would want to tan his hide for having started a fire. Regardless, Carlos prattled off the address he’d had memorized since he was three and went to unlock the door, sitting out on the porch like Judd had instructed, despite Carlos’s insistence he wasn’t supposed to go outside small and alone. Ordinarily, Judd would have agreed, but the man was worried about the smoke in the house and wanted Carlos to be in the fresh, unpolluted air. And then it was just a waiting game of Judd getting to Carlos, the man having stayed on the line with him until Carlos’s phone beeped and died.

When the headlights pulled up, Carlos lifted himself up from where hed been lying, pushing himself up with his one good hand before cradling his hurt one again. Judd clambered out from the truck and all but ran over to him, grabbing him by the shoulders.

“Are you okay?” Judd asked, studying him.

“Little owie,” Carlos said, holding out his hand.

Judd took Carlos’s hand, inspecting it in the dim porch lighting before shaking his head and bringing him inside the unfamiliar house. It wasn’t a bad burn, the skin pink and tender, but in a couple of days time, Judd was sure it would be good as new. For now, he just let Carlos grab the first aid kit and bring it back to him, slathering on burn cream before bandaging it up with gauze and pressing a kiss to the outside of it.

“There we go,” Judd said. “All better, kiddo?”

“Is kay,” Carlos said. “But real problem is kishen, Mr. Judd. All burneded down.”

“How about you show me?”

 Carlos gingerly took Judd’s hand in his good one and led him into the kitchen, showing him the mess that he had made. He sniffed, dropping the man’s hand to wipe at his nose. Everything looked even worse now.

The room was a little less smokey from having aired out over the forty-five minutes it took for Judd to get there, but it clung to the walls. Judd surveyed the damage, looking around and found close to none outside of the ruined tortilla, though he found the wet chicken and vomit in the sink a little alarming.

“Carlos, everything in here can be fixed with a little soap and water, but buddy, were you sick?”

“Uh-huh,” Carlos said.

“Are you feeling yucky?”

“’M ‘kay,” Carlos said quietly. “Eated shicken. Was yucky in water. My mami is good cook, I ruin it.”

“I’m sure she is,” Judd said softly. “Where are your parents?”

“On ‘cation,” Carlos said “I wash house.”

He dragged his arm over his face, rubbing his eyes with his knuckles. It was late now, much later than Carlos had intended to be awake, and he was fading fast between general tiredness and the abating fear of the fire. Judd ran a hand over Carlos’s head, squeezing the back of his neck before rubbing his back.

“Do you think you can put together a bag for a few days?” Judd asked.

“Why?”

“I want you to come stay with me and Grace until your parents come back.”

“I wash house,” Carlos said, shaking his head a little bit.

“We can come check in again tomorrow and every day that they’re gone,” Judd promised. “But you don’t get to stay here all alone.”

“Not ‘lone,” Carlos said quickly, shaking his head.

“You’re not?” Judd asked skeptically.

Carlos shook his head again and reached his hand into his pocket, pulling out a little black stuffed cat. He held it up to Judd shyly, showing it off.

“Hey, you’ve still got your friend from a few weeks ago,” Judd said.

Judd was surprised to see the tiny happy meal toy in Carlos’s hands. It wasn’t big enough to cuddle and Judd knew from experience that most fast food chain toys ended up broken or abandoned within hours.

“Kiki,” Carlos said shyly.

“That it’s name? Kiki?”

Carlos’s brows knitted together and he looked down at the cat before up at Judd before slowly saying, “Is kitty.”

“Oh,” Judd said. “I see. Does the kitty have a name?”

Carlos shook his head. He had thought about giving it a name as it had been his only companion for weeks now, but nothing seemed right. Probably it was named Kiki by now.

“Well, I’m glad you have your kitty friend,” Judd said, not unkindly. “But you need a grown up with you.”

“I grown up,” Carlos said.

Judd smiled faintly and reached out to brush a curl off his forehead. “Sometimes. How about I help you pack a bag? Tonight, you can come with me and tomorrow we can come back and I’ll help you clean up the wall.”

“I can does it,” Carlos said quickly. “Just tell how, ‘kay? P’ease.”

“Everyone needs help sometimes,” Judd said. “Now, let’s get you packed.”

Carlos didn’t have a lot in the spare bedroom and Judd wasn’t surprised that there were only a few clothes and a couple of toys floating around. He was sure that there were some things hidden away in the chest at the foot of the bed or the closet, but didn’t pry. His mama had taught him not to be a snoop in someone else’s house and he wasn’t about to start now.

“Got everything?” Judd asked.

“Uh-huh,” Carlos said.

He rubbed at his eyes, then his tummy and blinked up at Judd before reaching out his hand for Judd’s almost nervously. The older man smiled and took his hand easily, squeezing it reassuringly before tugging him out of the house. Judd locked up using Carlos’s keys and then got the little boy settled in the back of his truck. He had to adjust the straps a little, the last one he’d had in his truck had been TK and he was smaller than Carlos. This little didn’t squirm or move around and Judd smiled and pressed a kiss to his forehead.

“You’re a good boy, ain’t you, Carlos?”

Carlos blinked up at him and shrugged his shoulders. Good boys didn’t burn down their parent’s kitchen or forget to go to work or try to buy lofts for their boyfriends. Carlos was pretty sure he was far from a good boy, but if he disagreed with Judd, he wasn’t sure what the bigger man was going to do and, just for a night, Carlos wanted someone to at least pretend to care about him.

As they drove, Carlos tried to concentrate on the scenery he saw through the window, but it was hard because it was dark and streetlights were a foreign concept in these parts. Worse than the lack of light to comfort him was the awful rolling in his belly. He rubbed at his belly, trying to put it at ease, but it was all he could think about after awhile and the truck was warm, too warm with his sweater on and the heat going. Carlos wasn’t sure how long it had been since he’d been put in the carseat, but it seemed like forever and they weren’t stopping and Carlos began to panic.

“Mr. Judd?” Carlos said, his voice wavering. “I gonna frow up.”

Immediately, Judd had the truck pulled over to the side of the road, his hazards turned on and was in the back, unbuckling Carlos to get him out and on the side of the road. It was too late and just as Carlos was being lifted, he couldn’t hold it in anymore and he vomited all over Judd’s shoulder and back.  Carlos moaned pitifully, both because his stomach hurt and because he’d just gotten sick all over Judd.

Judd sucked in a sharp breath but other than that calmed his reaction as he quickly pulled Carlos to the far side of the car and away from the street traffic. He gingerly placed him down on the ground and peeled off his shirt, letting it sit on the ground while he tended to Carlos, who was starting to retch onto the curb.

“Just get it out, buddy,” Judd murmured, rubbing his back gently. “There you go. Good boy.”

Carlos finished retching and wiped his mouth on the back of his sleeve. There was a spot on the corner of his mouth and Judd wiped at it with his thumb without even flinching, then pulled Carlos’s sweater off, leaving him in just an undershirt. Under the cover of darkness, Carlos shivered despite it not being that cold.

“I sorry.”

“No need to be sorry. It happens to everyone.”

“Frew up you,” Carlos said. His eyes were swimming with tears and he turned to blink them away.

“You tried not to,” Judd said, putting his large hand on Carlos’s back again. “It’s okay. Not the first or the last time someone’s thrown up on me. Do you think you’re all done?”

“I not sick,” Carlos said as he nodded. “Tummy jus’ yucky.”

“Is it still feeling yucky?”

“Jus’ little bit.” Carlos pressed his fingers together to show Judd and the man nodded seriously.

“Do you think you’re going to throw up again now or do you think we can get home?” Judd asked. He’d wait all night out here, if that’s what it took, but he’d prefer to get Carlos home and comfortable over that option.

“No go home,” Carlos said, sagging a little bit. He didn’t have a home to go to and Judd had taken him away from his parents.

“I know not to your home, but to mine,” Judd clarified. “Do you think you can make it?”

“I try,” Carlos said.

He was settled back into the car seat and given a fabric bag from the trunk that the Ryder’s used for their groceries to puke into if he felt the need. Carlos clutched the bag tightly, keeping it open and his head bent over it just in case, but as they continued on their way, his stomach seemed to settle. By the time they pulled into the driveway, Carlos hadn’t so much as gagged and he almost felt normal.

There was no fussing as Carlos was lifted out of the car seat again and carried into the Ryder home. He rested his cheek against Judd’s bare shoulder, the man having driven home in just his undershirt, and brought a fist up to cling to the man, worried he might otherwise fall away. When they got inside, Judd gently set Carlos down as Grace came out of the kitchen with a steaming mug in her hands. It was late, Carlos remembered as he took in her pajamas and hair wrap and he worriedly turned to Judd, tugging his hand.

“What’s the matter?” Judd asked.

“Waked up?” Carlos asked worriedly. “I sorry.”

“Oh no, you didn’t wake no one up,” Judd said.

Carlos eyed Grace again. “Miss Grace in jams.”

“Oh, I just changed into these to be comfortable,” Grace cooed at him. “Do you like wearing soft clothes to be comfy?”

Carlos bobbed his head up and down, then pressed his face into Judd’s arms to hide. Despite not feeling quite so sick to his stomach anymore, he still felt bad barging into their home like his and he hadn’t even brought anything for them. His mami always said that if you go to someone’s house, you don’t go empy-handed.

“Let’s go get you cleaned up, bud,” Judd said. “Grace, do we got any soup or something? Little man got a little sick on the ride over here.”

“Oh, you poor thing,” Grace said. “I don’t think I have anything stored in the freezer yet, but we might have a can. We normally do just in case.”

“’S ‘kay,” Carlos said softly even though he was pretty sure his tummy was eating itself. “No hung’y.”

“Are you sure?” Judd asked. “It might help your tummy.”

“No hung’y,” Carlos repeated. “Ni-night?”

“Yeah, you can go night night,” Judd said. “Let’s get you cleaned up first, okay?”

Carlos padded after Judd into the master bedroom and let the man help him with teeth brushing and washing his face. His pajamas had been spared any of his vomit, so he wasn’t forced to change out of them and into something new and, when he was finished getting cleaned up, Judd set him up on the master bed so he could clean himself up.

“Oh, no, no,” Carlos said, shaking his head and sliding off, landing hard on the floor with a thump and a whine. “No, no big bed.”

“You can sit on it while I get cleaned up,” Judd said, picking him up and setting him back up on it. “You ain’t gotta sit on the floor, Carlos.”

Carlos thought this bed was the nicest one he had ever sat on in his entire life. If he let himself, he would melt right on into it, the blankets and pillows engulfing him. He made sure to sit ramrod straight instead, not wanting to succumb to the comfort because if he did he might fall asleep right then and there.  As it was, he sank a little further into the mattress, running his hands over the soft duvet cover before lifting it up and sticking part of in his mouth, sucking gently while he watched Judd through the door of the bathroom.

“You ready for some sleep?” Judd asked, coming back in and smiling at him.

Carlos nodded and rubbed at his eyes before dropping the blanket from his mouth and reaching up for Judd tentatively before dropping his arms and climbing out of bed, kicking himself for being presumptive that Judd would carry him. At once, he’s pulled into Judd’s arms anyway, the man bouncing him as they walked toward the nursery.

The guest bed is nearly as nice as the master bed and Carlos can’t feel any springs in his back as he’s tucked in tight under a warm comforter. He didn’t wiggle at all as Judd pulled the blankets around him, tucking it deftly under him around the edges, watching the man with sleepy eyes until he was done fussing with the blanket. His stomach was still rolling and he wasn’t sure if was because he had thrown up or because he hadn’t eaten that day, but if he had to guess, he’d probably say it was both of those reasons.

“Do you want a bedtime story?” Judd asked.

“No, no,” Carlos said, shaking his head and rubbing his cheek against the soft pillowcase. “Ni-ni.”

“Yeah, night night, kiddo,” Judd murmured softly, pressing a quick kiss to his forehead.

In the morning, Carlos woke up and blinked around the room, confused for only a moment as to where he was before the events of the night came back to him. He lifted his hand up and he took in the bandage, poking it slightly and wincing when it hurt. He rubbed at his eyes with his other hand and then pushed himself up and out of the bed he wanted to stay in forever, turning back to it to search through the rumpled sheets until he found his tiny plush cat buried in the folds.

Carlos had never had much for his little self when he lived in the townhouse and his parents only had a few items for him there because he didn’t ever drop with them regularly. Ordinarily, Carlos would take himself to centers and then, for a while, Owen had dropped him with TK, but since the fire, neither of those things happened. Now that they were broken up, Carlos couldn’t ask Owen to watch him and he couldn’t afford a center with all his money going toward the motel he’d been staying at. He wasn’t even able to afford the motel anymore, a pit in his stomach opening up as he thought of the hostel he’d be going to once his parents got home and he wouldn’t be watching their house anymore. The only things he had now for his little self was the Disney app on his phone and the tiny plush cat.

“Good morning, Carlos,” Judd said, pushing open the door a little while later. “You could’ve come out.”

Carlos blinked up at the man and nodded to show that he had heard what had been said, but didn’t say anything verbally. He shifted where he sat on the ground, clutching his cat tighter in his hand; a minute ago, he’d been bouncing it around on the rug. When he’d first woken up, Carlos had quickly and quietly changed into clothes he had packed for himself, wanting to be sure that Judd didn’t have to do anything else for him.

“Do you want to help keep me company while I make breakfast?” Judd asked.

After getting a nod, Judd picked him up and carried him out to the kitchen, setting him on the counter away from the stove because little boys and stoves did not go together. Carlos was more than happy to stay away from it after last night. Instead, Carlos busied himself with the spice rack that was sitting beside him, picking up the containers and putting them backdown with their labels facing out. As he picked them up, he’d give them a little shake before he put them back and, as he got to some of the last bottles, he made a delighted sound when one rattled as he shook it. He shook it again, smiling to himself at the rattling of the whole black peppercorns.

“Are you a musician?” Judd smiled over at him as he shook the spice for a third time.

“I sorry,” Carlos said automatically, setting the spice container down with the others. “Noise.”

At his parents, the toys Carlos had collected were quiet and solitary. He didn’t mind much, stacking toys always being his favorite and those were never very loud. In the nursery he’d been put in the night before, several of the toys he saw had all kinds of buttons that, when pressed, lit the toy up with flashing lights and lots of sound. Carlos wasn’t used to being loud because that kind of toy was only meant for centers. Any excessive noise was annoying. Carlos didn’t want to annoy Judd.

“You can keep playing with it,” Judd said as he added another slice of bread to the pan. “I don’t mind.”

“Loud,” Carlos said, shaking his head.

“Not that loud.”

Carlos shrugged his shoulders and folded his hands on his lap, concentrating only on watching Judd cook. The man was making a lot of French toast. Just when Carlos thought he’d be done, he’d add another piece of bread to the egg mixture and then add it to the pan. He must have been as hungry as Carlos was. The boy jumped off the counter suddenly and ran back to the nursery to grab his bag. He pulled out a mostly eaten bag of generic Cheerios and came back to the kitchen just as Judd was turning off the stove.

“You ran off quick,” Judd commented. “What’cha got there?”

“Seer-ul,” Carlos said. “I b’eakfast too.”

“You don’t want French toast?” Judd asked, knitting his brows together.

“Tha’s your b’eakfast,” Carlos said. He unfolded his little bag of cereal and reached a hand in, plucking a handful of cheerios from the bag and put it down in front of him before rolling the bag up again.

The little circular cereal was stale beyond reason, but Carlos had long since gotten past that. He wasn’t allowed to be picky when he wasn’t working as regularly these days, rendering his paychecks smaller and smaller by the pay period.

“Here go, Mr. Judd,” Carlos said, handing him one of his circles. He was an excellent sharer and wanted to make sure that Judd knew that about him.

Judd took the Cheerio and put it in his mouth, grimacing at how stale it was. “Carlos, this cereal is a little yucky now. Let’s throw this out and you can have what I made, okay? It’s more filling for you, too.”

All at once, Judd swept the small handful Carlos had put at the table for himself into his hand and then grabbed the bag, throwing both into the trash can. Carlos’s eyes widened as he watched his morning meal and the rest of his food be tossed. He was pretty sure he had at least a week’s worth of Cheerios in the bag if he rationed properly enough and he’d have to make plans to sneak it out of the garbage later. There was nothing he could do with the loose cheerios, but the bagged ones would be perfectly fine.

Judd presented him with a plate, the toast already cut up for him. He’d plated it with cut up strawberries, blueberries, and a drizzle of maple syrup. It looked delicious and also very expensive. Fruit was always expensive and eggs hadn’t been cheap lately either. Carlos hadn’t been buying any lately since he hadn’t had a fridge in the motel and at the hostel, he’d had even less space, but on days when he was particularly hungry, he’d walk by and pick up the packages, pretending for a moment things were normal. He had become an excellent pretender as of late.

He reached out and grasped onto the fork, spearing a bite of the French toast a little awkwardly before putting it in his mouth. Later, he would log the expense in his phone, when he was feeling just a bit bigger to think of the right number. Reyes’s weren’t charity cases and Carlos would make sure to pay Judd back for the food. And all the other help he’d been doing lately as well.

“You want more?” Judd asked. “I can fix up a few more slices if you’re still hungry.”

Only crumbs and a few dribbles of fruit juice and maple syrup were left on his plate. At Judd’s insistence, Carlos hadn’t wolfed down the whole plate in less than five minutes, but his tummy still hurt from eating so quickly not to mention so much. The last time he had eaten so much food had to have been a long time ago, he thought, because he’d forgotten how it felt for his belly not to be hungry. These days it always hurt, but it was an absent feeling from lack of sustenance. Now it hurt from overindulgence.

Carlos shook his head in the negative, thinking if he ate more he might be sick. He actually might be sick anyway his tummy hurt so bad. After letting Judd wipe at his face and hands, Carlos beat a hasty retreat back to the nursery and laid down on the ground like a starfish. The rug on the nursery floor wasn’t particularly soft or cozy, but it was better than the hardwood floor. There was a little town and roads spreading from edge to edge and Carlos could pick up a car and utilize the rug as an additional toy if he wanted, but Carlos didn’t want to play with cars. He didn’t really want to do much of anything.

He cracked his eyes only when he felt someone pulling him up and let out a little, involuntary whimper.

“Shh, close your eyes, Carlos,” Judd murmured. “Just want to get you in the bed.”

“No, no,” Carlos said, squirming a little but as he felt Judd’s hands on his waist.

“You’d be comfier not in jeans,” Judd said softly, still trying to keep his voice light.

“Cold,” Carlos lied. He felt bad about it, but he collapsed onto the bed, too tired to do anything else and Judd sighed.

Over the past ten years or so, he and Gracie had fostered a lot of littles and they all had unique, individual needs that differed vastly between low and high. Carlos, he had a feeling was in need of a lot, but he also didn’t want to traumatize him by moving too quickly. It was because of this that he didn’t push to make Carlos change into pajamas. So long as Carlos wasn’t hurting himself, Judd could wait him out and help him in different ways. He just hoped that Carlos would realize soon that Judd was on his side.

Chapter Text

Carlos woke up from his nap just over an hour later and practically toppled off the bed and onto the floor, tangled up in the bedsheets. He was slow to untangle himself, having to get his bearings and figure out where he was and what was going on, and then quick to leave the nursery. Though he had taken the nap and done little to fight it, he hadn’t actually planned on having one and he needed to go back to his parent’s house and make sure that all was still well and clean the mess from the fire.

The house was quiet, but as he padded further into the hallway, Carlos could make out the TV. He stood at the edge of the room, just out of Judd’s line of sight, watching the game he was playing with little interest and quietly chewed on his little kitty toy until the screen went blank and a menu appeared.

“Mr. Judd?” he said tentatively, hoping he wasn’t interrupting something.

Judd turned, tossing his controller onto the couch next to him. “Hey, buddy. Did you have a nice nap?”

“Uh-huh,” Carlos said. “Go home?”

“No, Carlos, you’re staying here with me and Gracie until your parents get back, remember?”

“Go home,” Carlos insisted. “Keen kishen.”

“Oh, right,” Judd said. “Buddy, I already went and cleaned that up for you this morning while you slept.”

Judd had woken up early that morning to be able to go out to the ranch and clean up the kitchen. Like he had expected, it didn’t take long to clean the stove or wash the walls. He was in and out in about an hour, the fire having not been big enough or lasted long enough to do any real damage.

“I keen,” Carlos said, shaking his head at Judd. “I do it.”

“I know you wanted to help, but I just figured it would be easier this way,” Judd said gently. He reached out a hand for Carlos, who took it hesitantly and drew him closer in. “And now you don’t have to.”

“I broked it so’s I gotta fix it.”

Judd sighed, pulling Carlos fully onto his lap and rocked him gently. “It’s okay to get help, Carlos. I was happy to do it.”

Carlos wasn’t sure it was okay to ask for help and especially from Judd, who’d done so much lately and were they even really friends? He was TK’s friend and coworker and when they split up, it wasn’t like Judd had called around asking how he was and if he needed anything. Probably, Carlos was just an imposition and Judd, as a caregiver, was obligated to look after him. He pushed his toy further into his mouth, half chewing and half sucking on it to comfort himself and fell into an uneasy silence.

Falling asleep again wasn’t an option, but neither was playing in the nursery room set up. Carlos sat on Judd’s lap and let him rub his back gently, feeling discombobulated and confused. He didn’t mind just sitting there getting cuddles and affection. Every once in a while Judd would even press a kiss to the top of his head and it felt nice to have someone take care of him. He hadn’t had anyone looking after him in a long time and he missed it.

His parents would take care of him if he told them what had been going on with TK, he had no doubt in his mind about that, but he didn’t want to needlessly worry them or put them in a spot where they were made to feel uncomfortable. They loved him, he never doubted that, but they weren’t caregivers and he knew they both had to unpack generational trauma associated with boys being Little’s.

“Mr. Judd?” Carlos asked, breaking the silence.

“Yeah?”

“Potty,” Carlos wiggled.

“Oh, yeah. Do you need help?”

“I does it,” Carlos insisted, sliding off his lap.

In the bathroom, Carlos managed to go and washed his hands after and came out before he could get in any trouble. The toilet paper roll had looked entirely too enticing and he had to push himself up just a little bit so he wouldn’t play with it. He padded back down the hallway, peeking in at Judd in the living room before going to the nursery. His phone was plugged in on the table by the bed and he picked it up, pressing a few buttons to get Blues Clues to start playing and he plopped down on the rug to watch. This is how Judd found him ten minutes later, sitting on the floor with his knuckle in his mouth, giggling over the show.

“Hey buddy, what’re you doing in here?”

Carlos jumped in surprise when Judd spoke, dropping his phone with a clatter and looking up at Judd with wide eyes. Instantly, Judd felt guilty, he hadn’t meant to scare him and he hadn’t thought he’d been all that quiet coming down the hall.

“Sorry, Carlos,” Judd said immediately. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“No no scare,” Carlos said softly, reaching for his phone. “B’ue C’ue.”

“You’re watching Blue’s Clues? Do you want to watch in the living room on the big TV?”

“I wash,” Carlos said and waved his phone around to make a point.

Judd sighed, squatting down next to him. “Wouldn’t you rather watch on the big screen, Carlos? I can turn it on for you in the living room.”

Carlos shook his head, his slightly too long curls bouncing from the movement. He looked at Judd squatting in front of him and pushed his knuckle into his mouth, nervously sucking on it. Being here was so nice – much nicer than the motel he’d been staying at lately, but it was also nerve-wracking because he didn’t know the rules or what was expected of him and his head was fuzzy, not wanting to be a burden or to do or say the wrong thing.

“Wash b’ue c’ue,” Carlos said, tapping at his phone. His brows furrowed, more words escaping him as he tried to convey that he would be the kind of house guest Judd didn’t need to watch or worry about. “Me shhhh, no ‘noy.”

“You don’t have to be quiet and you don’t annoy me,” Judd asked. “Where’d you get a silly idea like that?”

Carlos shrugged his shoulders, not meeting eye contact with the older man. His tummy was all twisted and he didn’t want to be here with Judd and Grace when he should be at his parents’ house, making sure nothing happened to it and eating all of their leftovers that might otherwise go bad. He was no stranger to hunger these days and could push past the ache in his stomach, but he didn’t want to put Judd in an awkward position when TK found out Carlos had stayed with them. There was only one solution and it was to get out of headspace and go home. Carlos could do it if he really tried, though staying big had been a problem as of later, not that he’d mentioned this to anyone. He had no one he could talk to it about. He just dealt with it the best he could.

“Come on,” Judd said, making the decision and plucking Carlos up off the ground, surprising him. “Let’s go watch this on the big TV.”

It didn’t seem right that Carlos got to watch his show on the TV when Judd was there. His mama let him watch on the TV, but if his dad was there, then it was only ever the news or a sports game or a cheesy telenovela that Gabriel swore up and down was for Andrea but knew all the past and current plots. Carlos was settled on the couch, Blue’s Clues turned on, but he couldn’t concentrate on it with Judd next to him. He brought one hand up, tugging at his curls desperately to try and will himself to age up.

“No tugging,” Judd said softly, grabbing his hand. “What’s going on, Carlos?”

“Go home,” Carlos said.

“I can’t let you go home when you’re small unless someone’s there to take care of you,” Judd said. “Is there someone else you’d rather be with? It ain’t gonna hurt my feelings if there is.”

This was all too frustrating and Carlos shook his head. He had no one else to watch him, not that he’d want to subject them to having to deal with him in this state anyway. The TV kept playing and Judd didn’t press him, just pulled him into his side to watch the show together. Carlos did what he could to not lean to heavily into him and just watch the show; it would be too easy to let himself get attached and it would be stupid of him to let that happen.

“You keep watching,” Judd said after the second episode ended. “I’m going to make lunch.”

Carlos nodded as he was set to the side, watching him disappear into the kitchen before turning back to the TV. Now that he was alone, he looked at the door with new interest. He could just leave. Judd probably wouldn’t even notice for a while and, whenever he did, he wouldn’t care enough to come find him. With that decided, Carlos slipped off the couch and headed for the front door, slipping out easily and not bothering to shut the door all the way because he didn’t want Judd to come after him and he would feel obligated to if he noticed too quickly.

There were a few steps from the door to the yard and Carlos moved down them very slowly; he hadn’t had the best luck with stairs when in headspace in the past and he didn’t want to hurt himself now. Once at the bottom, he steadied himself, letting go of the handrail and headed toward the sidewalk. It would take forever, but he could walk home.

“Carlos?” Judd called suddenly and before Carlos’s bare feet had even touched the pavement out front, he was being picked up. “Carlos, what do you think you’re doing, buddy? You can’t play outside without a grown up.”

Judd was breathing a little heavy and it wasn’t from the run to grab Carlos before he could step into the street, but the fear of seeing him so close to the edge of the yard. He held him tighter as he started heading back to the house, afraid to set him down now.

“What were you thinking, Carlos?” Judd asked.

Words failed him. When he opened his mouth nothing came out, so Carlos just closed his mouth again before sticking his knuckle back on, teeth worrying at the skin. Judd was loud, his voice booming in his ear and it scared the words right out of him before he could even get them out, so he didn’t try, instead just covered his face with his free hand, unable to look at him and see the disappointment in the man’s face. Unfortunately for Carlos, Judd wasn’t just going to let this go. He stiffened slightly when Judd moved to set him down, knowing that a spanking was sure to be coming; TK had always said that Judd was quick to spank, but Judd just set him back on the couch and sat next to him.

“Carlos,” Judd said. “What were you doing outside? Were you running away? Just trying to play?”

Carlos stared at Judd with wide eyes, the knuckle where his index finger turned into hand still in his mouth and he dropped it now as Judd repeated himself, his voice growing louder and Carlos couldn’t tell if he was actually speaking louder or if it was just him perceiving it as so, but either way it hurt his ears. He pressed his hands to both ears, trying to muffle the sound, his breathing quickening and coming out all shuddery. He didn’t think that he was scared of Judd, but everything felt out of his control and wrong; Carlos didn’t like it and even if he wasn’t afraid of Judd, he was still terrified.

When Carlos pressed his hands to his ears, Judd stopped talking at once, a brief flash of anger running through him at the audacity, but just as quickly as the flame was lit, it died out because Carlos wasn’t trying to be disobedient or even rude, he was overwhelmed. Judd took a deep breath and then pushed himself back from Carlos to give him space. The little boy squirmed a little, his brow furrowed as he watched every move Judd made. He wasn’t expecting for Judd to move back so much as move him across his knees; not that he wanted a spanking, but he didn’t like the uncertainty of what was happening. It was only going to hurt more when Judd stopped talking to him or taking care of him in a few days time.

“Carlos,” Judd said again, his voice gentler as he reached forward to pull Carlos’s hands away from his ears. “I ain’t gonna hurt you and I wasn’t trying to scare you. I just need to know why you were outside. It’s dangerous out there for little boys alone.”

Not so much of a peep came from Carlos who just stared at the man with wide, scared eyes. He needed to blow his nose, which he became aware of only because he pushed his cat in his mouth and he found it hard to breathe. Sniffling, Carlos let his mouth open again, the cat falling out so he could breathe better and he drew backwards as Judd stood up, eyes watching him walk a few steps and grab a few tissues out of the box before coming back.

“Can I help you blow your nose?” Judd asked.

Carlos nodded and let Judd hold up the tissues, blowing into it a few times before Judd pulled the tissue back. He knew that he couldn’t logically spend the rest of the day sleeping, but he honestly was drained of all his energy and he wanted to crawl into the soft bed in the nursery and never leave it. Eventually, he would have to leave and he vowed that he wouldn’t come back again until he was working regularly and could pay them back for their hospitality. Carlos wasn’t sure about a lot of things, but he was sure about that – no matter how long it took, he would pay them back for all the meals they’d given, showers he took, and hours spent watching him. They deserved to be compensated.

For the rest of the day, Carlos was quiet. Neither Judd nor Grace had been able to get much more than a nod from him before he’d been put to sleep. He spent the day lying on the couch with a blanket draped over him, watching endless episodes of Blue’s Clues and occasionally getting up for the bathroom or to eat whatever had been made for him and the following day wasn’t much different. Carlos was quiet and withdrawn, much more so than he had been originally, which was saying a lot because he wasn’t very loud to begin with.

On the morning after his parents returned, Carlos came out of the nursery with his little bag packed and the bed behind him made, all toys put away. Judd and Grace were still asleep it was that early, but Carlos had woken up and couldn’t get back to sleep. He was feeling bigger when he woke up which meant he needed to go to work and he wanted to slip out before anyone could wake up. He’d been bothering them for three days straight and didn’t want to do it for a fourth. He pulled a twenty out of his wallet, noting he didn’t have much cash left, but he wanted to pay them back what he could so they knew he wasn’t trying to get their care for free, and left it on the kitchen table before creeping out of the house.

The day before, the three of them had taken a special trip out to his parent’s ranch to get his Camaro and now it was sitting on the street in front of the Ryder’s home and Carlos slid inside the driver’s seat, sliding his palms up and down the steering wheel gently. It was best to leave now before anyone else had woken up, but a big part of him didn’t want to go at all. He started the car quickly and headed for the precinct to get in early. If he was lucky, he could manage to turn an eight-hour shift into twelve. He wouldn’t get overtime pay thanks to all the days that week he’d called in, but four extra hours of his regular salary was better than nothing.

He spent the day mostly behind his desk, filling out old reports and staying away from the streets and his gun. Judd would be disappointed if he was out on the streets with his gun if he didn’t feel one hundred percent okay and Carlos was feeling maybe sixty or seventy percent big, which was bigger than he’d felt in days, but not enough to be running around protecting the streets of Austin. At the end of the day, he filed his papers and walked out of the station and to his car with his head down, not sure where he was supposed to go from here.

Chapter Text

Judd was worried when calls and texts to Carlos went largely unanswered and he knew his wife was fretting over it as well. From what he gathered, no one at the station had heard from him since the colossal break-up between him and TK, which did little to alleviate Judd’s nerves. He loved TK like a little brother and would never want to hurt him, but hell if Carlos wasn’t family to him now, too. And if TK had the village, what did that leave Carlos with? 

Two weeks after Carlos had left found Judd driving out to the Reyes’s ranch to talk to Carlos. It didn’t occur to him until he pulled in behind a pearly-white SUV and saw no sign of the blue Camaro that Carlos might be working. It was a long drive though and maybe he could get better insight talking to his parents first or only, and it was this thought that had him out of his car and knocking on the front door. 

“Yes?” Andrea asked when she opened the door. “Can I help you?” 

“Yes ma’am. My name’s Judd Ryder, I’m a friend of Carlos’s.”
For a moment, Andrea relaxed, content in the knowledge that this large man was not a stranger if he knew Carlos, but in the next breath, she was tense again. 

“Has something happened to Carlitos?” 

“Oh, no ma’am. I just came to check up on him. I haven’t heard from him in a few days and got worried.”

“So you came here? Why would you do that?” 

Judd’s smile wavered. “He lives here, don’t he?” 

“No, he lives with TK and Owen further in town. You know them?”

“I do,” Judd said. “I guess I just confused. I picked him up here some weeks back when he was dropped.” 

“Oh! You’re that Judd! Yes, he was staying here while we were on vacation. He can be confusing when small, no? I’m sorry you drove all this way, but he doesn’t live here.” 

“Oh no, that’s on me ma’am. Now I know he lives with the Strands, I’ll corner him there and remind him to text me back. I thought maybe he was hurt. 

Andrea nodded, her uncertainty back and, however warranted it was, Judd wasn’t going to say more. This whole mess of Carlos’s was clearly a can of worms, but if Carlos had secrets, they were his to share when he was ready and it wasn’t Judd’s place to announce the break-up to his mother. Judd had bigger things to worry about than why Carlos hadn’t mentioned that detail to his parents and was going to find out if the damned officer was okay if it killed him. 

He left Andrea’s gripping the steering wheel tightly, resolving to driving around the streets of Austin, burning gas as he hunted the younger man and his car like a sport. A grim satisfaction settled over him only when he saw the Camaro next to a rundown hostel nearly an hour and a half later. 

Carlos curled up in his bunk under the itchy blanket. He was in a room with six other bunks and only one other was occupied that night, but Carls was still trying to be quiet and not bother the man he thought was probably homeless. He sucked his thumb quietly, hiding under the blanket even though he was pretty sure this establishment wouldn’t care that he was an unaccompanied, dropped Little. 

“Carlos?” 

The boy froze in his bed, stilling his gentle sucking and held his breath. He stayed put and silent, listening to the heavy footsteps come closer and whimpered a little as the blanket was pulled off, cutting against his delicate skin despite the gentle hand that moved it. He should’ve known that it was Judd, but how had he found him? And why? Carlos hadn’t answered any of his texts or calls lately, sure that would make Judd forget about him!

“Hey,” Judd said, almost cooing when he saw Carlos’s wide eyes and thumb in his mouth. “I’ve been looking for you, kiddo. What’re you doing here?” 

“Stay. Mr. Judd, why here?” 

“I told you, I’ve been looking for you. I’ve been real worried, Carlos. Come on down from there, okay? Let’s go home.”

“Live here,” Carlos said. 

“No sir, that ain’t going to happen,” Judd said. “You’ll live with me and Gracie or I’ll take you to your parents or help you find a different foster family, but you’re not living here, Carlos. That’s a big no.” 

Part of Carlos wanted to argue that he was an adult and didn’t need help or charity, but then his palm passed over the scratchy blanket and he was reminded of the one on the Ryder’s nursery bed and how buttery soft it was. It never scratched him the way this one did. 

“I ‘kay,” Carlos said feebly, pulling his hand back. 

“I don’t reckon that you are, Carlos,” Judd said, not unkindly. “Come on.”

Judd held his arms open and waited. It took Carlos a moment to move, slowly crawling out from under the blanket and let Judd help him down the ladder and then pick him up. Instinctively, Carlos nuzzled closer as he was carried out of the hostel, but he squirmed to get down once they were outside. Judd acquiesced, settling him down on the ground, but quickly grabbed his hand before Carlos could get too far away. 

“Where do you think you’re going?” 

“Car.” Carlos pointed to the Camaro. 

“Is there something in there you’re wanting to take with you right now?” 

“Car,” Carlos said uncertainly.

“You ain’t driving, Carlos. You’re too little right now, but we’ll come back tonight and get it with Gracie, okay?” 

Carlos nodded slowly and fumbled with his keys, pressing the button to make sure it was locked and flinched at the loud beeping sound it made before placing the keys in Judd’s upturned palm and followed him to his truck. He wondered how he always ended up here. 

Carlos sat at the kitchen table the next morning and watched as Judd fixed himself and Grace breakfast. Before he’d come out of the nursery, he’d dressed himself and eaten a handful of stale cheerios and now his eyes widened when Judd set a feast in front of him. 

“No hung’y,” Carlos said. “No need t’ank ‘ou.” 

“Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, sweetheart,” Grace said. “Does your tummy hurt?” 

Carlos hesitated before nodding - his tummy always hurt these days. He took the sippy cup of water she handed to him and took a small little drink. 

“It’s probably hurting because you’re hungry,” Grace said, cutting the stack of pancakes into bite sized pieces for him. “Just try to eat as much as you can, okay?”

Nodding, he reached out slowly, not wanting to disobey her. The pancakes were still warm, but Carlos recoiled back from them, an involuntary whine escaping when his fingers touched the sticky, syrupy breakfast dish. 

Fussy had been used to describe Carlos more than once in his life. He liked things to be neat and clean and in order. He wasn’t prone to making messes and he had a ‘thing’ when it came to certain textures, as his parents would call it. When he was fully in his adult headspace, he could usually cope well enough, but in his Little headspace, it was a lot harder to deal with, especially when he was already incredibly overwhelmed. 

All Carlos could think now was to get the stickiness off his hand as quick as possible. It felt wrong, almost pained him to have it touching his skin, and he whimpered softly as he turned the sippy upside down and shook it to try and get the water inside to wash the stickiness away. 

“Carlos?” Grace said. “Carlos, what’s wrong baby?” 

Ignoring her, Carlos worked harder at pouring the water from the cup, a sense of urgency filling him. He had to get the stickiness off. He could fix this - he had to fix this. He didn’t need to bother anyone. He could to take care of himself. He had to. 

There was too much going on. Voices flittering from Judd and Grace, one of their phones. The stickiness on his hand felt loud and he dropped his cup, using the other hand to try and rub the water around, hoping to dissolve the syrup, but this only increased his discomfort by making his left hand sticky too. Tears blurred his vision as he sat back in defeat, flapping both hands as if that might help when suddenly a warm, damp towel encased his right hand, then his left, wiping the sticky residue away. 

He blinked, clearing his vision and saw Grace in front of him, silent as a mouse, fixing his hands and righting the cup. Carlos knew he should say thank you, but saying anything right then felt too hard, his vocal chords restricted and broke down. He felt large hands on his sides and was picked up and sat back down on Judd’s lap in one fluid motion. Judd’s large hands started to rub his bac, his voice some a soft, pleasant hum in his ears. 

“I gotcha,” Judd said. “I gotcha, Carlos.”

Carlos shifted and looked up at Judd with his big, brown eyes and still wobbly lower lip. 

“It’s okay, bud,” Judd said and it was so strange to Carlos that such a large man could be so soft. “I gotcha. Syrup is so icky on hands isn’t it? Let’s try a fork and Miss Gracie’ll get you some more water.” 

Judd handed him the fork and Carlos took it, finding it heavy and off-putting, but he used it anyway to eat one of the four pancakes he’d been given before setting down. 

“Can you eat a little more?” Judd asked, taking the fork and speaking another bite, holding it up to Carlos’s mouth. 

With Judd feeding him, Carlos ate a full second pancake, and then turned his head, burying his face partially into Judd’s shirt and absently rubbed at his tummy. 

“All full?” 

Carlos gave a short nod, peering up at the bigger man and Judd smiled, wiping his face with a napkin, before sending him off to the nursery. It wasn’t a banishment, he had been told to go play, but Carlos couldn’t help but wonder if they already needed a break from him. Instead of playing, Carlos climbed back in the bed, searching under the covers for his tiny stuffed cat and held it close, resolving to be a good boy from there on out. 

The bed was so soft and comfortable, that Carlos burrowed back into it, resting his cheek against the pillow and scratched at his tummy, fingernails raking across his itchy skin. He wished he had a weighted blanket to help regulate him, but he’d make do with what he had. 

“What’re you doing back in bed, sweetie?” 

Grace leaned against the doorjamb, watching him and Carlos blinked, his voice still lost. 

“It’s a little early for a nap. Why don’t you play with some toys? I can show you some super cool ones!” 

Having resolved to do whatever they wanted of him, Carlos left the warmness of the bed and sat on the floor by where Grace pulled out a few bins form a cubby near the window. She pulled out cars and trucks and dinosaurs, the colors dull and her excitement not catching. They didn’t seem like super cool toys. Regardless of his interest or, lack thereof, he still took one of the cars and ran it across the city street rug he was sitting on at Grace’s urging. 

“Isn’t that fun? You can play with any of these toys, Carlos.” 

Carlos nodded, his too long curls bobbing in his eyes as he pushed the little green car back and forth. It was too small in his hands and he resisted the urge he had to stick it in his mouth. When he played with cars, they were large and plastic and tended to light up and make noise. These ones had race tracks, but those would only hold his attention for so long. Content that Carlos was playing, Grace left him with a ruffle to his curls and Carlos watched her go, still moving the car back and forth to appease her even when she wasn’t there to see him. 

Before too long, Carlos let go of the car and peeked into the other bins, looking for something more interesting, but quickly sat back with a sigh when he found nothing. He knew better than to play with toys that made too much noise, but there was nothing in there that appealed to him. After a moment, he pushed himself to his feet, intent to find something to keep himself occupied and out of Judd and Grace’s hair. 

He steered clear of the kitchen, heading directly to the living room, eyes lighting up when he saw a remote on the table. Pushing buttons could be fun! Carlos moved closer and plopped down on the floor, resting his back against the couch as he picked up the remote and started pressing buttons. They didn’t do anything and barely made any noise at all when he pressed them, but it was fun to pretend until he pushed a red button that made the TV turn on, a frowning face of a Sports Announcer appearing and a loud recap of a basketball game shocking him. Carlos pressed the button again, sighing in relief when the TV turned off and turned the remote around, sliding off the back cover to get to the batteries. How had he forgotten to take them out? Carlos had one battery out, working on getting the second when suddenly Judd was there, grabbing it from his hands. 

“Carlos! What’re you doing? You can’t play with batteries!” 

Judd was loud and surprisingly gentle as he pried both the remote control and batteries from his hand and Carlos scooted backward from him nervously. He hadn’t wanted to make Judd upset! That’s why he was removing the batteries - so he could play without accidentally turning the TV on. 

“What were you doing, buddy? There are toys in the nursery. Were you trying to watch something?” 

It would be so much easier if he could find his voice but, unfortunately, Carlos wasn’t sure it would ever come back. He settled for shaking his head and pushing his thumb knuckle into his mouth, gnawing on it nervously. Judd was looking at him, expecting an answer and Carlos couldn’t give him a verbal one. 

“What were you doing with the remote then?” 

Carlos snuffled a little bit, his whole body filled to the brim with anxiety. He reached for the remote and Judd handed it over warily, watching as Carlos started pressing the buttons. 

“You were just…pressing buttons?” 

Carlos nodded and then choked out a barely more than a whisper, “P’ay.” 

Judd sighed and ruffled his hair again, pocketing the batteries. “You can play with it, bud, but no the batteries. Those are so dangerous for little boys.” 

This wasn’t news to Carlos and he just nodded his head and went back to pushing the buttons. He did this for a little while, before it got too boring because they didn’t light up or make noise and he wandered back into the nursery and looked at the toy cars. He didn’t much care for pushing them around, but he could sort them and that would be fun. 

Carlos dumped out the entire bin and started to make little piles, sorting by color and then, when he finished that he sorted out the trucks from the cars and gave them their own little rainbow piles. Babbling, Carlos started lining the cars up, smallest to biggest with one hand and stuck the other under his shirt, scratching hard against his skin.

“Carlos? You okay, hon?” 

Grace came over to him and knelt down so she was eye level with him and Carlos warily pulled his hand out from under the long sleeve. He shifted as the shirt hit against his tummy again and tried to pull back from Grace. He’d been itchy for days, all over his body, but his tummy was worse than every other part of him, the spots he had redder and angrier than they were anywhere else.  At bedtime, when he changed into his jammies, Carlos tried to count them all, but he could never get that high. 

“You were really going to town,” Grace said, reaching for his shirt. “Can I take a peek at your tummy? If it’s itchy maybe I have something that can help with it.” 

Carlos leaned back, thinking about the patchy red bumps all over his tummy, not to mention his chest, back, arms, and legs. If Grace saw his tummy, she was going to see everything else. He shook his head, pushing his knuckle into his mouth, and picking up his kitty with the other hand, squeezing it like a stress ball. Grace hummed a little bit, giving him a look before standing back up and leaving him alone. 

“Judd,” she murmured to her husband, trying to keep her voice quiet so as not to scare Carlos in the other room. “Something’s wrong.” 

“What’s wrong, Gracie?” Judd asked. “Are you not feeling well?”

“I feel just fine, but I think something might be up with Carlos. I just went to check on him and he was really scratching at his tummy and that’s not the first time I’ve seen him. It seems like every time I look at him, he’s scratching. He wouldn’t let me check, can you see if he’ll let you look?” 

Judd stood up with a pop in his knees. “I’ll go check.” 

Carlos looked up at Judd when he came in from where he’d crawled back into the bed, his rainbow rows of cars still on the ground across the room. The larger man smiled reassuringly as he came over  and sat down on the edge of the bed. 

“Gracie told me your tummy seemed itchy,” Judd said. “Can I take a little peek? I bet it’s a real quick fix that maybe a bath will help.” 

“Is ‘kay,” Carlos said. “‘S not bath day.” 

“What? Any day is bath day. Really, everyday should be.” 

“I smell?” Carlos asked. 

Truth was, Carlos was smelling a little ripe, but Judd didn’t want to hurt his feelings. He sighed a little and studied Carlos and his wide, slightly fearful eyes. 

“Everyone should take baths everyday. Or a shower. It’s important to keep good hygiene. Have you not been doing that?” 

“Share bathroom,” Carlos said. “I keen Tuesday.” 

“Well here you have the guest bathroom all to yourself and you can use it everyday.” 

“Too ‘spensive,” Carlos said. “Is ext’a.”

“Not that expensive if you’re at a good place. We won’t charge you for showering,” Judd said. “You don’t worry about that. Now, can I see your tummy? Please? I just want to help you, Carlos.” 

“Jus’ pox,” Carlos said, moving to scratch again, but Judd caught his hand. Anyone else would’ve whined, but Carlos just blinked up at him. 

As much as Judd wanted to give Carlos bodily autonomy, at the end of the day, Carlos was little and needed help. He didn’t always know what was best for him when regressed and Judd needed to step in for his health. Gently, he reached forward and tugged the bottom of the long sleeve up and, when he saw the rash, he pulled it off completely to get a better look. His eyes widened in horror as he saw small, red bites all over Carlos’s arms and torso. 

“Pox.” 

“I don’t think this is chicken pox. Do you have these anywhere else?” 

Carlos bit his lip and nodded, letting Judd examine him more. He looked away as Judd poked and prodded, wincing when Judd brushed against the enflamed area on his stomach. 

“Does that hurt?” 

“S’kay.” 

“Can we show Miss Gracie, do you think?” Judd asked. “I want to get her opinion on this, is that alright with you?” 

Now that Judd had seen and his secret was out, Carlos shrugged his shoulders. He just hoped they wouldn’t kick him out for bringing a sickness into their home. 

Judd picked him up, bouncing him just a little as they headed down the hallway and to the kitchen, where Grace was standing at the counter, looking at her phone. She quickly schooled her face when she saw them come in, setting the phone down to give them all her attention. 

“Carlos thought he had the chicken pox,” Judd said, gently setting Carlos down in a chair. “But I don’t reckon this is that. What do you think, Gracie?” 

“I think it’s a good thing that I just made an appointment at the urgent care,” Grace said.

Carlos looked up at the two of them nervously. He didn’t want to go to the doctor. It would go away eventually. He didn’t have the money for an appointment, but he didn’t know how to articulate that, his voice getting lost once again. 

Chapter Text

“When’s the appointment?” Judd asked, bouncing Carlos a little. 

“I did soonest available, but that’s not until three,” Grace said. “But they’ll call us if they can get him in sooner. I told them we are only fifteen minutes away, so we can get to them quickly.” 

Judd nodded and said, “Alright I’m going to give him a bath and see if that helps him any.” 

“I haven’t started on his laundry yet, but I’ll find something for him to wear and bring it to you.” 

Carlos listened to them talk, his mouth dry and he wanted to cry and protest and tell them he didn’t need help, but he didn’t know how. He didn’t want to seem ungrateful or rude, he just wanted to do what was right, but going to the doctor would cost way too much money. There was no way he was going to be able to go and still afford everything else he had to pay for. 

“I does,” Carlos said when Judd set him on the toilet seat and turned to get the water started. 

“You can do it, I’ll just be here to help,” Judd promised. 

“I does it,” Carlos said again. “P’icey p’ease!”  

“Those are some good manners buddy, but little boys need help,” Judd said gently. “I ain’t gonna hurt you and you can wash yourself, I’m just the lifeguard here.” 

Carlos wiggled nervously and pushed his palm into his mouth, half chewing and half sucking on it. Judd got done playing with the temperature and stuck the plug in before turning back to Carlos with a cheery smile. 

“Alright, time to get clean.” 

Under Judd’s scrutiny, Carlos stood up and slowly pushed down the pants he was wearing, revealing a pull up that was alarmingly full and at least a size too small. It was a true surprise that Carlos hadn’t been leaking all over everything and Judd had to bite back a sound of frustration and anguish at seeing him like that and again when that came off and Judd saw the angry red rash that looked like it had been around for quite awhile. He made a mental note to be sure to ask the doctor about it as well as the bites that went all down his legs too. 

Carlos hesitantly climbed into the water and let out a gasp as his toes skimmed the surface. He pulled back, holding onto the wall to steady himself and looked back at Judd. 

“Is the water too cold?” Judd asked. 

“Warm,” Carlos said. “Cold?”

“I’m sorry, kiddo, I don’t understand,” Judd said. He knelt back down to feel the water, which he thought was just north of like warm. 

“Is warm,” Carlos said. “Cold bath? Less ‘spensive.” 

“You don’t need to worry about that, Carlos. We don’t take cold baths in this house because it’s not that much more expensive to have a warm one.” 

Carlos wasn’t sure about that, especially since he couldn’t pay for it now and would have to be charged with interest later, but he climbed into the tub anyway because that’s what Judd wanted him to do and he didn’t want to disappoint him. It has been almost a week since he’d last showered and the warm water did feel nice on his skin and he patted at the surface with his hands. There were no bubbles or toys, but Carlos didn’t say anything about that, choosing instead to stay quiet and enjoy the luxury of warm water alone.  The hostel he’d been staying at didn’t have tubs, just showers with a stream barely more than a dribble and the temperature just barely above freezing. Any colder and ice would’ve been pouring out instead. He’d overheard someone complain that first day he’d been there and someone else remarked how the hostel saved money by using cold water instead, and Carlos had washed his hands of using warm water since then. He needed the cheapest options available to keep himself afloat. 

Carlos patted the water again, but didn’t splash, just let his palm and fingers explore the water before bringing his right hand to his mouth, sucking on it gently. He scratched at his tummy and looked up at Judd, who was sitting back against the wall, watching him. 

“All done.” 

Judd smiled, though it didn’t quite reach his eyes and Carlos faltered. Had he upset the older man? 

“You gotta wash first,” Judd said gently. “Do you want my help?” 

Judd held out a clean washcloth, giving Carlos a moment to think about it. 

“I does,” Carlos finally said.

He took the navy cloth and dunked it under the water, starting to scrub at his privates with it, not bothering with soap from the bottle on the corner. He finished scrubbing, dropping the cloth and looked back at Judd. 

“All done.” 

“Let’s try with soap, okay? I’ll help you.” 

Carlos didn’t protest again, going back to patting the warm water while Judd cleaned him up with a nice smelling soap. He only fussed a little when it came time to wash his hair, but Judd was patient, covering his eyes with a fresh wash cloth and helping dip his head back so no water or soap would get in. And before the water had much time to turn cold, Carlos was out and wrapped in a towel with a hood, a little bear, blinking up at Judd for his next assignment. 

He was compliant when Judd put him in a pull-up, the man commenting gently on how they would get him some to fit better later, but Carlos wouldn’t let that happen. He still had the pack he had bought the week before and whenever those were gone, he’d be whatever the cheapest ones were, size be damned. 

Grace had started his laundry while the bath was happening, but left some things of Judd’s for him to wear. The pants were comically too big and Judd swapped them out for a pair of pajama bottoms they kept for Little’s that came to them with nothing. These were also too big, but would stay up if tied tight enough. The shirt was also large, but Carlos liked that it was Judd’s and when the man asked if he wanted to try a different one, Carlos had just shaken his head, fists curling tight around the oversized T-shirt. 

The urgent care was one Grace and Judd were not unaccustomed to, seeing as how they’d fostered plenty of Littles over the years. This was their preferred go to for urgent cases that couldn’t wait to be seen by a primary physician, knowing that all the staff there were kind and well equipped to handle anything that was thrown at them. Carlos sat with Judd by the fish tank while Grace checked them in, still trying to figure out how he was going to pay for this appointment, but he knew that he could always sell his car. 

“Do you like the fish?” 

Carlos nodded at Judd’s question, his eyes trained on the aquatic swimmers, but he wasn’t really focused on them. His stomach was rolling dangerously, not sure what to expect from the doctor, but he sure it wasn’t good. He stayed quiet while they waited, letting Judd and Grace chatter away. 

Eventually they were called back and Carlos was careful and quiet as he was weighed and had his blood pressure and temperature taken. Honestly, all he wanted to do was curl up and take a nap and so, when the nurse left them alone, that’s what Carlos tried to do. The paper sheet crinkled beneath him as he shifted and he was pretty sure it tore, but he was too worried of what the doctor would do or say to think about that. 

“Hey, eyes open, Carlos,” Grace said, rubbing his back gently. “I know you’re tired baby, but you need to be awake for the doctor, okay? You can take a nap after.” 

“I up,” Carlos mumbled, rubbing at his eyes. “I be good.” 

“You’re being so good,” Grace said, kissing his forehead. 

Carlos wasn’t sure he was, but he didn’t argue. Instead, he just sat back up and leaned against the wall, not feeling well enough to hold himself up. 

“Hello, hello,” the doctor say, knocking and entering in one fell swoop. 

The doctor was relatively young, her hair pulled up and off her face in a bun and she had a bright smile. She smiled at Carlos, who looked away quickly, and then at Judd and Grace. 

“I hear someone’s not feeling too great. You’re concerned about a rash?”

“A couple, actually,” Grace said. “He’s absolutely covered in bug bites. I think bed bugs - he was staying at a hostel downtown and he’s got some particularly bad ones on his tummy. And then he’s got a serious diaper rash.” 

“Can you get him undressed so I can get a good look at the bites and stomach rash?”

Judd nodded and quickly stripped him of his shirt and pants.

“No, no,” Carlos said, squirming to try and get back into Judd’s arms. 

“Sorry, little buddy,” Judd said. 

“I promise I’ll be real quick. I just want a quick look at your tummy,” Dr. Klein said. 

She was already looking at his bug bites, mouth set into a determined sort of grimace. Everyday, Dr. Klein saw Littles in various states of distress and this one was particularly upset. Just from glancing at him she could see he was underweight, looking like he lost a great deal in a short amount of time, many of his bites were red and raw, but the ones on his stomach were particularly concerning as they appeared to be open and slightly oozy. 

“This looks like it hurts, sweetie,” she cooed at Carlos. “Do you know how long you’ve had these?”

Carlos looked to Judd, reaching out for him and keeping his lips sealed shut. He didn’t want to talk to the doctor and he didn’t need medicine or nothing. They’d go away eventually. Judd shifted, moving a little closer to rub his back reassuringly while Dr. Klein kept examining his stomach. 

“It’s definitely infected,” she said. “I’m going to give you an oral antibiotic as well as a topical ointment. You’ll want to keep him from scratching as well.” 

“We can do that,” Judd nodded. He remembered his daddy taping oven mitts to his hands when he’d had chicken pox as a boy. He’d do that to Carlos if need be. 

“Can you take off his diaper so I can see the other rash you were talking about?” 

Carlos’s eyes widened and he moved quickly, curling up and away from her. Judd made a soft noise of surprise. 

“It’s okay, Carlos. She’s a doctor. She just needs to make sure your bottom ain’t gonna fall off.” 

“P’ivate,” Carlos whispered to him. “No no look.” 

“I know buddy, but since you’re owie down there the doctor has to look,” Judd said. “We need to make sure you’re not medicine medicine for that too.” 

Carlos covered his face and Judd quietly undid the pull up he’d put him in after his bath. It wasn’t the best fit, considering it was one of TK’s, but it still fit better than the ones Carlos had evidently been squeezing into. He exposed Carlos, who refused to uncover his face and the doctor peered down, having Judd lift the Littles legs to get a view of his bottom and the just as quick was grabbing a new pull-up from the cabinet and handing it to Judd to put on him. 

“You were right to be concerned. That definitely looks pretty nasty,” Dr. Klein said. “If I had to guess, he’s allergic to whatever he’s been wearing. That just seemed too irritated. This pull-up is for sensitive skin, and I’d recommend you have him only grab the ones made for sensitivities. I’m surprised he or his previous caregiver didn’t know about the allergy.”

Judd finished getting Carlos redressed, locking the comment away to discuss with Carlos later and exchanging a glance with Grace. If Carlos was knowingly dressing himself in things that were going to hurt him, that was a problem. They listened as Dr. Klein went over some home remedies that could help soothe both rashes in addition to the creams and antibiotics she was prescribing and Carlos listened to, resting his head against Judd’s chest. It was too late for a nap, but too early for bed and Carlos was trying to keep himself awake. 

“Do you want a sticker?” Judd asked as they headed back towards the waiting room. He pointed at a desk where there was a basket for the Littles to take one after being seen by the doctor. 

Carlos shook his head, but Judd rooted around in the basket anyway, grabbing a Paw Patrol sticker that he was sure Carlos would love and stuck it to his shirt. The little boy looked down at it, fingers touching the sticker curiously, but he said nothing. 

“What should we do?” Judd asked Grace as he got Carlos all buckled in. 

“Take me home,” Grace said. “I’ll call the exterminator to come out so he can determine if we have them now and I’ll grab our clothes from the dryer and our toiletries and then grab a hotel room. While I do that, why don’t you take Carlos to the store? I worry about his clothes having bugs.” 

Carlos listened to them with a sinking dread. It had started up listening to the doctor, hearing the word bugs, but he felt hot shame knowing he’d most likely brought bugs into their home when they’d been so nice! They weren’t going to let him stay now. They said they were going to grab a hotel room and that meant Carlos would have to go back to the hostel and he bit down hard on his lip to keep from crying. 

When they got back to the Ryder’s, Grace easily slipped out with a kiss to Judd’s lips and a quick opening of the backdoor to kiss Carlos’s forehead before heading inside. Carlos opened and closed his fist at her and then focused on Judd. 

“Bye bye?” 

“Yeah, we’re going bye bye, buddy,” Judd said. “We’ll see Gracie later.” 

Carlos left it at that, wondering if it was all just a lie or if he really would get to say a proper goodbye. He leaned his head back against the car seat and dozed a little while Judd drove. It was nice that they would get him his medicines, but he hated that after that he’d have to leave. 

“Alright, little man,” Judd said, pulling into a parking spot at the Walmart. “Let’s go get some stuff.”

In the parking lot, Carlos held Judd’s hand tightly, not wanting to get lost just yet, and looked up at him with big cow eyes when there were no carts for him to sit in. 

“Sorry, Carlos,” Judd apologized, as if this were something huge and detrimental. 

“I walk,” Carlos said easily. 

Their first stop was the pharmacy, where Judd passed the prescription to a bored looking young man across the counter, and then they moved up and down the aisles, Judd throwing in lotions and oatmeal bath potions, and all kinds of things Carlos didn’t pay attention to. Why should he? They weren’t for him. 

“Carlos,” Judd asked. “Can you point out what brand of pull-up you were using?” 

Carlos scanned the boxes and then dropped Judd’s hand to walk a little further down the aisle and tapped one of the boxes. Judd nodded and was quick to ignore everything of that brand, grabbing the kind that the doctor recommended he try in a size that would fit Carlos. He hadn’t been surprised that the doctor had been concerned about his weight, because Judd had been able to tell just from looking at him that he’d gotten thin and he hoped as he dropped the box in the cart, next time they’d be able to get a size larger. 

“No need,” Carlos said, reaching in the cart to take the box out. 

“Yes you do, bud,” Judd said. “Because the ones you’re wearing are too small and you’re allergic to them. These ones will be better.” 

Carlos shook his head again, clinging to the box to put back on the shelf, eyes scanning prices, but he wasn’t big enough to understand them right now. He did know this was a brand he could wear with no problem, which meant they were probably way too expensive. 

“Is kay,” Carlos said. “No need. I have.” 

“You have ones that make you owie,” Judd explained patiently, “so we are going to get these ones now.”

Judd took the box back, plopping it in the cart before ruffling Carlos’s hair gently. Carlos stared at the box, his tummy rolling, but maybe he could just pay for the ones he used? Or maybe he could eat less so he had money for the ones that wouldn’t hurt him? Honestly, if he just stayed a little bit bigger, he might remember to go potty and then he wouldn’t need them at all. 

He trailed along with Judd like a duckling following the leader, one hand clasped in Judd’s or around the cart. Everything was so overwhelming in here and loud, but Carlos was determined not to meltdown over it. He didn’t want the clothes that Judd was picking because he had clothes, but the anxiety of the store and making Judd mad made it difficult for him to say no and, instead, just nodded every time Judd held something up and asked if he liked it. It didn’t matter if Carlos liked it if Judd did. And maybe they could reuse the clothes for some other Little and give Carlos a discount on buying them with his money? That hope made his spirits soar just a little higher. 

“You have been such a good boy,” Judd said, tossing a pair of pajamas into the cart when Carlos nodded his consent to them. “I think we can be done with clothes now. I think you deserve a treat, it’s been such a hard day.” 

“I’s kay.” 

“You are, but you’ll be more okay with something,” Judd said with a smile. “Come on, should we look at toys first? Or do you want something you can eat?” 

Carlos pushed the side of his hand in his mouth and started to suck nervously. He didn’t want to make a decision. What if he picked wrong? He could pick the cheapest thing possible. His brain was going a million miles a minute and Judd seemed to realize he’d put the boy in fight or flight mode and gently cupped his head. 

“It’s not a trick question, Carlos. We will just walk around and if you see something, just point it out, okay?” 

Maybe, Carlos could just walk around the store and pretend there was nothing he liked! He could do that. They meandered slowly back to toys, stopping once so Judd could price something on an end cap and Carlos peeked down the aisle. There were soft blankets on one side and bottles and cups on the other and Carlos stepped a little further from Judd to look at everything better. 

“Carlos? What’re you looking at bud?” Judd asked, taking a step closer so he wouldn’t have an obstructed view of the boy. 

Carlos looked back at Judd and then the shelves. He didn’t want to ask for anything but if Judd was willing to let him pay him back later, maybe that would be okay. 

“Baba,” Carlos said, reaching toward one that had farm animals etched into it. “Baba Mr. Judd, p’ease?” 

Judd watched the little boy come so close to grabbing the bottle, his hand dropping nervously at last minute. It wasn’t the first time that Judd had thought Carlos to be younger than he wanted to appear, but this was some concrete evidence. 

“P’ease,” Carlos asked again and Judd realized he hadn’t said anything. “P’ease Mr. Judd? Y-you’s said get somet’ing? But is kay. No no need.”

Carlos stepped back away from the shelf and the bottle he had found, his eyes trained on the floor. It was his own fault for looking up at the shelves instead of focusing on the tiles. He didn’t need a bottle though. He could drink from sippy cups or straight from the faucet and that would be okay. 

“Carlos,” Judd said gently. He reached out and gently tilted his head up so the boy was looking at him. “You can get the bottle, but can you tell me how old you are?” 

Chewing his lip, Carlos held up four fingers, then three, unable to meet Judd’s eye. Three was manageable. Three meant he could entertain himself and sometimes get to the potty. Carlos could be three. 

“Three? It’s okay if you are, but you know what else is okay? If maybe you were tiny bit smaller than three. Or a lot smaller.”

“Free. No no baba. Big boy,” Carlos mumbled, wrapping his arms around himself. “Go bye bye?”

“You can be a big boy with a bottle,” Judd said easily. “Ain’t no one saying you can’t. We can get the bottle, but we can’t go bye bye until you get your treat.” 

“Baba t’eat.”

“Nah, that’s a need. A treat is something fun! Do you want a toy or do you want something sweet like a cookie?” 

Carlos wanted to play, but part of him knew that wasn’t the right choice. He could watch one of his shows on his phone or play pretend with things he found. Food was the better option, he knew this, but he really needed to save his money and not spend it on more frivolities. 

“No no,” Carlos said. 

“It’s okay buddy, we can get you something.” 

Judd was being so patient and kind and Carlos felt tears sting his eyes. Everything was too much and he didn’t have the money to get a treat and the store was loud and his whole body itched. There was nothing that could be done to prevent Carlos’s face from crumpling and he dissolved into tears. 

“Oh boy,” Judd murmured. He grabbed the bottle Carlos had been looking at and tossed it in the cart quickly before picking Carlos up and bouncing him. “It’s okay munchkin. It’s okay. I know. It’s been a long day, huh? Yeah, but that’s okay. Come on we’ll go get your medicine and then we’ll go get in the car?” 

Judd kept up his gentle prattling, talking about nothing all at once as he pushed the cart back to the pharmacy where, thankfully, the prescription was ready to be picked up. By the time they got out of the store with their haul, Carlos was all cried out and close to sleeping on Judd’s shoulder. 

“Alright buddy,” Judd murmured, buckling him into the car seat. “Let’s go meet up with Gracie at the hotel.” 

His lower lip wobbled dangerously again as he remembered they couldn’t go back to the house because he had ruined it with bugs. Bed bug bites were what the doctor had said his spots were and Carlos had brought them there. How much would that cost him? Maybe Judd would let him do a very, very extended payment plan? 

“It’s okay,” Judd said, noticing this. “Carlos the hotel will be so much fun! We will go and you can get your pajamas on and we can have dinner! You’ll love it.” 

Carlos didn’t think he would love it, but he wasn’t about to tell Judd that. Grace and Judd would be staying in a nice hotel with sheets that probably weren’t even a little bit itchy and Carlos would have to go stay at the hostel again. It was the best he could afford. 

When they pulled into the parking lot of the Comfort Inn, Judd grabbed Carlos and set him on the sidewalk before going around to the back to get the bags. Grace had texted him with the hotel information and room number, so they just had to go on up, but Carlos just assumed he didn’t get to go and he started heading for the main road, making a noise when suddenly he was grabbed from behind. 

“No, Carlos, you need to stay with me. Where do you think you’re going?” 

“Bye bye,” Carlos said. “No no go in.” 

“Why can’t you go in?” 

“Bad boy. Buggies. No no stay.” 

“You’re not a bad boy and you don’t have buggies on you now,” Judd said. “So you’re going to stay with me and Gracie here until the house is better, okay?” 

“Broked yours house?” 

“No, you didn’t break anything. It just needs a little clean.”

“I keen!” 

“We are gonna let the nice exterminators do it instead, okay?” Judd said. “It’s okay Carlos, you didn’t know. No one is mad at you.” 

Carlos wasn’t sure about that and he tried scratching his tummy again, but Judd stopped that too, picking him up easily enough. They hadn’t gotten that much at the store and he was able to carry the six bags, box of pull-ups, and Carlos up to the third floor, with the help of the elevator and only set him down again when they were safely behind the locked hotel door. 

“Hey, baby,” Grace said. “How was the store?” 

“Eventful,” Judd said mildly, giving Grace a look to convey they’d talk more about it later. 

“Did you get everything?” 

“More or less,” Judd said. “Did you talk to the exterminators?” 

“Yes, they can come out tomorrow and take a look, but depending on what they find, we’ll be here for anywhere from two days and a week. They don’t think there’d be a bad enough infestation for longer than that, but they won’t really know until they get in there.” 

Carlos watched the two of them talk from where Judd had sat him on the bed. They were being quiet, voices soft murmurs to one another while Grace started looking through the bags that Judd had brought up, and Carlos wasn’t sure if it was better or worse that he wasn’t able to hear them. He shifted, sliding off the mattress and onto the ground, grateful it was a low bed and pulled his stuffed cat from his pocket. He didn’t need to sit on the bed. There were two in the room - one for Grace, one for Judd, and Carlos could sleep on the floor. Maybe they’d even let him use one of the pillows - there were four on each bed - but if not, that was fine, he could use his arm. 

“Silly boy,” Grace said, kneeling down next to him now. “What’re you doing on the floor?” 

He blinked at her nervously, pulling back slowly and rubbing at his eyes. 

“I know, it’s been a long day, hasn’t it?” Grace said. “Can we get some medicine on your tummy? And while we do that, Judd can order us some room service.” 

“No, no,” Carlos said. “Med’cine ‘kay.” 

Grace eased his shirt off and opened the tube of ointment that Judd had handed to her. She’d washed her hands before coming over and now she gently spread the medicine over the angry red rash across his stomach. Carlos sighed as the cool ointment instantly helped relieve some of the pain and itch and he sighed softly, leaning back against the edge of the bed. 

“Does that feel nice?” 

“Uh-huh.” 

“I’m so glad,” Grace said. “And now we can think about filling that belly.” 

Carlos shook his head a little despite his stomach pangs alerting him that he was hungry. He knew that room service was expensive based on a trip he’d taken as a kid with his parents and sisters and he could only imagine how much more expensive it was now, nearly twenty years later. 

“You need to eat dinner,” Grace said. “How about we look at the menu together and find something really yummy?” 

The little boy shook his head again, just once and then moved slightly, reaching for his bag that he was always carrying around whenever he went somewhere. It held his keys and wallet and, most importantly now, his near gone bag of off-brand Cheerios. He had two, maybe three more meals of it if he was careful. 

“Carlos,” Judd said sharply. “Are those the same cheerios you had the last time we saw you?” 

“I save,” Carlos said softly. “Spend money. No waste!” 

“Kiddo, when something is bad, you don’t eat it,” Judd said. He leaned down and took the bag of cheerios from Carlos. “I’m going to go throw these away again. You look at the menu with Gracie and order whatever you want okay? But you’re not going to eat something that’s gone so stale anymore.” 

Carlos watched Judd leave the room, willing himself not to cry. That was at least two meals where he wouldn’t have to pay more money! He sniffed, doing his best not to cry and pulled his knees up to his chest and pressed his face into them.  

“It’s okay,” Grace murmured. “No one’s mad at you, sweetheart. We just don’t want you filling your tummy with anything that could make you sick.” 

“No ‘ick.” 

“Not yet, but they could make you.” 

Grace stood up and grabbed the menu that had been on the desk when they came in and came back to sit next to Carlos. She didn’t love sitting on a dirty hotel room floor, but she figured it best to meet Carlos where he was at. 

“Let’s look together and find you something so yummy,” Grace said. 

By the time Judd came back from throwing away the stale bag of cheerios, Carlos hadn’t made a decision, shaking his head over every single item the menu had to offer. Grace looked up at her husband and shook her head at him before holding out her hand for him to help her up. 

“Should we go out somewhere?” Grace asked. 

“Do you think he’d last in a restaurant?” Judd countered. 

Carlos looked positively exhausted. There were bags under his haunted eyes and Judd was tempted to cocoon him in a bed for the next two weeks if it meant he’d be well rested. 

“Maybe I should pick something up. He wasn’t interested in anything on the menu, but then again they’re not the best sounding to me either. Who serves lobster at a Comfort Inn in Texas?” 

“Well, we don’t want him to be sick, so probably best we don’t eat here,” Judd said. “Carlos, what do you want to eat? Anything in the world, not just off that menu.” 

Carlos chewed at his lip. “Seer-ul. Oh-Oh’s.” 

“If you want to eat cereal, that’s fine,” Judd said, shrugging at Grace. “You just can’t eat the bad cereal.” 

“I’ll grab a box for him and some milk. We can keep that in the fridge,” Grace said. “What do you want, babe? I’ll grab something else for us.” 

While Grace was gone, Carlos watched Blue’s Clues on his phone while lying next to Judd, the man having picked him up and plopped him on the bed. And since Judd put him there, he wouldn’t slide off again. 

Without Grace, it was quiet in the room, Carlos not bringing much to the conversation, but Judd didn’t mind it. Carlos was mostly quietly except a few huffs a breath Judd thought might’ve been giggles, but he couldn’t be sure because the boy was so solemn. He didn’t say anything as he watched his show, though he occasionally tried scratching spots and Judd would gently redirect him. Strictly speaking, Judd was playing on his own phone, but really he was just studying Carlos with his too long curls and sunken cheeks and bug bites littering his entire body. How had anybody let him slip through the cracks like this? 

The box that was brought back to him was bright yellow and name brand, exactly what Carlos would never have picked for himself these days. He always did the generic brand, the cheapest he could find. They came in a brown box and already tasted a little bit like cardboard, but Carlos was easily able to push past that and besides, taste wasn’t exactly his top priority these days. He made a mental note to make sure he jotted down that they’d bought him the name brand so he could calculate how much he’d owe them later, and took the box eagerly enough, moving over to the desk to sit and eat so crumbs wouldn’t get in their bed. 

He was able to get the box open, then the bag, oblivious to Grace and Judd behind him talking about bowls and milk. It had been so long since Carlos had a fresh bag of cereal and he felt a little guilty even as he decided he could treat himself. He grabbed out one handful and went back in, taking about a quarter of a handful more and adding it to his pile in front of him on the desk. To Carlos, it looked like a lot; to Judd and Gracie, it looked like less than half the recommended serving size. 

“Here Carlos,” Judd said, setting a bowl Grace had picked up on the desk. “You can put your Cheerios in here.” 

Carlos nodded and slowly plucked each little circle up one by one and set them in the bowl, pressing the last one he picked up into his mouth instead, chewing it happily. 

“Do you want to pour the rest of the cereal in the bowl or do you want me to do it?” 

“Alla them there,” Carlos said, pressing a second Cheerio into his mouth and holding a third out to Judd. “I share.” 

“That’s not the right amount, silly boy,” Grace said, glancing at it and taking the cereal box to open. 

“Too many’s? I sorry.” Carlos grabbed a good third of what was in the bowl, leaving somewhere between fifteen and twenty little circles in it and held his hand out to Grace. “Put back.”

“No, that’s not right either. You don’t have enough. Let me fill it up and we can put some milk in there for you too.” 

“No, no. I kay.” 

Carlos dropped his cereal back in the bowl, choosing to bite his next piece in two because that meant he doubled the amount he would have. 

“Carlos,” Judd said, kneeling down to his level. “This isn’t enough for a full meal and I want your tummy to get all it wants, okay? So I’m going to add some more to the bowl for you to eat. And you eat as much as you can and want both. Do you want milk in the bowl or on the side?” 

Unable to stop him, Carlos watched as Judd took the cereal box from his wife and started shaking out two, three, maybe five whole servings straight into the bowl, his mouth falling open to gape. 

“Too many’s,” Carlos said, shaking his head. 

“You don’t have to eat it all, but you can eat as much as you want,” Judd said gently. “I want you to eat until you’re full. You don’t have to worry about this anymore, okay? The only decision you have to make right now is if you want your milk in the bowl or not.” 

Carlos shook his head warily and reached forward, pressing another Cheerio in his mouth. He honestly wasn’t sure that he’d be able to eat much more than what he’d grabbed himself initially, but he didn’t want to let Judd down either. Judd sighed and stood back up, cupping the back of Carlos’s head and giving it a kiss. A moment later, the bottle that he’d picked out was placed next to his bowl and Carlos widened his eyes, reaching tentative hands for it before twitching them backwards and to his bowl again. 

Once most of the cereal in the bowl was cleared and Carlos’s stomach was more full than it may have ever been off cereal alone, Carlos picked up the bottle and scooted off the chair, lying down on the floor and started to suckle. It wasn’t as good as warm milk, but cold wasn’t too bad and it filled the remaining empty spaces in his belly. He kept sucking until the bottle ran empty and then he sat up and looked around. Judd and Grace were both eating at the little table by the window, burgers for both of them and amber colored soft-drinks. 

“You all done, baby?” Grace asked. 

Another nod and Carlos shifted a little on his bottom. “Nini p’ease?” 

“Can you go potty and brush your teeth?” Grace asked. 

“I potty, I keen.” Carlos nodded. 

“Do you need help?” 

“I does it.”

Carlos came out of the bathroom still in his day clothes, rubbing at his eyes after spending some time in the bathroom. He stumbled over to where Judd was sitting and gently patted his arm. 

“Mr. Judd?” 

“Yeah, kiddo?” 

“I can,” Carlos asked. “I can use pillow?” 

“Of course you can use a pillow. You can use however many pillows you want.”

“Jus’ one kay. T’ank ‘ou!”

Carlos pulled a pillow off the nearest bed and looked around, trying to find the perfect place to sleep. The corner behind Judd and Grace was probably best because he wouldn’t be blocking the beds, bathroom, or door, so he moved past them, squeezing into the space and sighed, ready to sleep on the floor in clothes he’d been wearing all day. 

“Oh, no,” Judd said, quickly standing and grabbing him. “You’re not sleeping on the floor, Carlos. You get this whole big bed!” 

“No bed,” Carlos said. Mr. Judd bed an’ Miss Gracie bed.” 

“Miss Gracie and I are sharing a bed and you get this one.” Judd plopped Carlos back on the bed and smiled at him. “Let’s get you in jammies.” 

“No no have,” Carlos said tiredly. 

“We bought you some earlier, remember?” Judd reached into one of the bags they hadn’t really unpacked yet and pulled out two sets, one green with dinosaurs and the other blue and covered in trucks. “Which do you want to wear?” 

Carlos stuck his thumb knuckle in his mouth. He couldn’t make this decision. He wouldn’t make this decision. 

“Alright, trucks then,” Judd said when it became clear Carlos was done talking. 

It wasn’t that late but Carlos was exhausted. He laid down and let Judd pull off his pants, blinking slowly and sleepily. Judd hummed at the clearly very used pull-up and was quick and efficient as he pulled it off too and cleaned the boy up, tucking him into the bed right quick after. 

“Do you want a bedtime story?” Judd asked. 

Carlos shook his head and shifted on the bed, closing his eyes and trying to block everyone out. If he fell asleep, he couldn’t bother anyone anymore. 

It was dark when Carlos woke up next and he shifted slightly, licking his lips as he realized that his mouth was incredibly dry. In the bed next to his, Judd was snoring loudly, Grace silently asleep next to him. Carlos desperately wanted water, feeling too hot under the covers and he silently pushed himself out of the bed, grabbing his bottle from where he’d left it on the desk and slowly made his way to the door. 

He didn’t know what time it was, but it was most likely entirely too late (or early, depending on how you looked at it) and he didn’t want to wake either of them up. He’d just go for a little walk to find a sink to fill his bottle up in and come back. He wasn’t thinking about needing a keycard to get back in or much of anything outside of his mission and not waking the two taking care of him. With gentleness, he closed the door with barely even a whisper of a click and took a deep breath as he started padding down the hallway in his bare feet. 

Chapter Text

Carlos padded down the too bright hallway looking for a water fountain or a sign for a bathroom so he could fill the bottle in his left hand with water. In his right he clutched his little plush kitty and he gripped it even tighter as he hit a dead end and he turned to go the other away. There were no bathrooms or water fountains or even a sink on this floor and Carlos warily pushed a button for an elevator, jumping when the door opened with a ding.

He stepped into the elevator and studied the buttons curiously before pressing all of them. It was scarily empty on every hotel floor he walked on, no noise protruding from behind any of the closed doors and he was starting to get frustrated at not finding water anywhere when the elevator door opened with another ding and he stepped out into the lobby. 

Carlos looked around nervously. He didn’t want to go outside. He turned around to the elevator, but it had already closed and someone was walking toward him. 

“Can I help you?” A tired looking woman asked. She had to have been at least sixty with white roots on her otherwise red and frizzy hair. 

She was working the overnight shift at the front desk in a powder blue button down and a worn gold name tag reading Betsy pinned to her left breast. Carlos backed up from her, all his stranger danger senses screaming at him and he just wanted to be back in the room with Judd and Grace. Water no longer seemed important. While Carlos tried to grapple with being near this stranger, the woman seemed to clock his pajamas and bottle. 

“Oh, sweetie,” Betsy said. “Where’s your mommy or daddy?” 

That didn’t matter and Carlos looked around nervously. He wanted to suck on his hand, but both were full so he couldn’t. He wanted Judd but, he realized with alarm, he didn’t know where he was. Obviously, the hotel room, but what room were they even in? And on what floor? Carlos stared at Betsy with wide and frightened eyes, whimpering when she reached for him and taking three quick steps backward. 

“Honey, I’m not gonna hurt you,” Betsy said. “Can you tell me your name? Or your mommy or daddy’s name? What room are you in?” 

Carlos didn’t know the answer to the last one and his mommy and daddy’s name didn’t matter right now. His name didn’t matter and he wasn’t supposed to tell strangers it anyway! Betsy and the room around him swam with tears and he crumpled in on himself, right there in the lobby floor, scooching backward on his bottom until he hit a wall. It was always best to find a wall so monsters and the unknown couldn’t get you from every direction, and Carlos was expecting the worst now. 

Betsy watched him sadly and stepped away, behind the counter and picked up the phone to call her boss. From the stage of his feet, he hadn’t wandered in from outside and there was more than one family staying with a little that night, she didn’t think she could wake all of them to ask if theirs was accounted for. Probably, she would need to get the police involved, but first, her manager. 

The lady was talking quietly, but Carlos caught every few word and he knew that if he didn’t start talking the police would have to come. But Carlos was the police! He shifted, wiping his snotty nose on the knee of the pajamas he was wearing and looked up as a door across the hall burst open. 

Judd hadn’t broken a sweat and wasn’t even panting from sprinting down three flights of stairs. His hair and expression were wild, the way one would expect when they woke up and found their baby was no longer in the bed next to them. He softened when he saw Carlos but only marginally, until Carlos reached out to him, dropping his legs from his chest. 

“Carlos,” Judd breathed, coming over and picking him up into the tightest hug that Carlos had ever had. “What happened? What’re you doing?”

“Wawa,” Carlos whispered. “No no wake.” 

“Carlos,” Judd said, voice full of exasperation. “We want you to wake us up. You scared Gracie half to death when she woke up and saw your bed was empty. And me too, bud.” 

Carlos’s face crumpled and he started to cry silently, hiding his face the best he could. He hadn’t wanted to scare anyone! He just didn’t want to wake them up by being loud and turning on the sink faucet, but there was no way for Carlos to convey this to Judd, his tears taking precedence and exhaustion taking a close second. 

“Is everything okay?” Betsy asked. She still had the phone pressed to her ear and she was giving Judd one hell of a twice over. 

“It is now,” Judd said, hugging Carlos tighter to him. “Sorry if he bothered you.” 

“No bother, just concerned,” Betsy said 

“Yeah,” Judd sighed. “You and me both. Enjoy the rest of your night ma’am.”

When they got back to the room, Carlos’s silent tears had mostly stopped, reduced to a pitiful sniffle. Judd patted his back, murmuring softly on the ride up the elevator and all the way back and gently knocked on the door when he realized he’d forgotten his room key. 

Grace pulled the door open, sending a thank you message to God above when she saw her husband holding Carlos in his arms. She quickly stepped back, ushering them forward and wrapping her robe tighter around her. 

“He went to find water,” Judd said before she could say anything. “He didn’t want to wake us up with the tap.” 

Grace let out a shaky breath. “Carlos, you can always wake us if you need something.” 

“Rude,” Carlos mumbled. 

“No, it’s not,” she said firmly. “You really scared us, sweetheart. To wake up and not know where you are, that was terrifying.” 

“You don’t go anywhere without letting us know,” Judd added, squeezing him tight again before setting him down and letting Grace take a turn. “Let me see your baba, Carlos.” 

Carlos’s eyes widened and he looked down at the bottle in his hands. He’d had it for less than a day and it was already being taken away from him. A new pool of tears stung his eyes as he held out the bottle to Judd, his hand quivering as he did and he fell into a new round of tears. 

“Hey, hey, what’s with these tears, sweetie?” Grace asked. 

“Bye bye baba,” Carlos whimpered. “I bad. Bye bye.” 

“Oh, Carlos,” Grace said. “No, sweetie. Judd is just taking your baba to get you your water. No one is taking it away for good. You’ll get it right back.” 

And sure enough, Judd was already handing the bottle, now full of clean drinking water from a vending machine bottle of Aquafina, back to Carlos. The little boy nervously wrapped both hands around the plastic, pushing the nipple in his mouth and suckling quickly. All the crying had made him need the water all the more. 

He plopped down on the floor, continuing to suck at the water as he moved to lie down. Grace opened her mouth to tell him to get up on the bed, but Judd just shook his head and crouched down with one of the pull-ups and some wipes. He gently eased Carlos’s pants down and changed him quickly before picking him up and depositing him on the bed, tucking him again. Carlos blinked up at him slowly, one hand letting go of the bottle to rub at his eyes. He was happy to be back in the room, grateful he was no longer lost, and he still got to be in the bed! This hotel didn’t have scratchy sheets like the other ones he’d stayed at had, though they were still thin and nowhere near as nice as the one at the Ryder’s house. 

Sighing, Carlos let his eyes close and he drifted off, still sucking on the bottle. Judd gently tugged it out, realizing they’d probably need a pacifier for him at some point, he was such a tiny little thing. There was so much they’d probably need for him now, but they’d worry more about that whenever they returned to the house. 

It was late the next morning when Carlos woke up to the sound of hushed voices and he nuzzled further into his pillow, sighing sleepily as he tried to figure out what was happening. The voices were still too quiet and Carlos didn’t make out anything more than the sound made him feel safe when he heard the chain on the door being played with and he snapped his eyes open. Were they leaving him? 

Grace was hanging back a little and though she had shoes on, it was clear she wasn’t leaving and it was just Judd trying to get out the door. In a flurry of motion, Carlos ripped himself out of the bed and stumbled forward, nearly falling on the floor, but he caught himself and went straight for Judd, fingers curling around the bigger man’s t-shirt. Why was Judd trying to leave them? Where was he going? Carlos could go instead! 

“Whoa there,” Judd said. “Did we wake you up?” 

Carlos shook his head because he didn’t think they had and tightened his grip. After last night, Carlos didn’t want to be anywhere without Judd. He had saved him! 

“You’re going to stay here with Gracie,” Judd said. “I’m just going to run to the store for a few things. When I get back maybe we can do something fun. Maybe go to the park?” 

Tears pricked Carlos’s eyes. He didn’t want to say anything, ask for anything, he wanted to be easy and simple for them, but he couldn’t help the tears that blurred his vision. It wasn’t his fault he wanted to be near Judd and it wasn’t because he didn’t like Grace, he did, but Judd was always finding him and putting him back together and what if when Judd left he was reminded of how he was supposed to hate Carlos? That would hurt too much to bear. 

“What’s with the tears?” Judd asked. “It’s okay, buddy. You’ll have a great time with Gracie! You’ll take a bath and you’ll get breakfast and maybe you’ll even get to watch some TV!” 

As Judd spoke, he gently pulled Carlos’s fingers out of his shirt, holding his hands for a moment before dropping them and stepping further out the open door. Carlos nodded and took a deep, shuddering breath, and then started to cry. He tried not to, really he did, but it just couldn’t be helped. 

“Go on,” Grace said to Judd as she wrapped her arms around Carlos. “I got him.” 

Grace did not have him. Carlos’s cries got louder and more distressed when Judd disappeared behind the door and he squirmed away from her, reaching for the door and twisting the knob. He didn’t want Grace! 

“No, Carlos,” Grace said. “You’re staying here with me.”

Carlos kept crying and he patted at the door before falling back on his bottom. It wasn’t a tantrum exactly, Carlos knew better than to throw one around someone who could throw up their hands and be done with them at any minute. He tried to quiet is crying, biting down hard on his hand instead of sucking on it, tears still streaming down his face. 

It could have been just a few minutes or maybe even days, but suddenly Carlos was being picked up and there was Judd, bouncing and rocking him gently. Carlos sniffed and pressed his face into Judd’s neck, finally calming down from the horrors of Judd having left forever because he was back! 

“I’m sorry,” Grace said to Judd. 

“Don’t be,” Judd said, shaking his head. “You go, Gracie. I’ll be just fine staying with the munchkin.”

The bath water was warm again and Carlos sat in the water while Judd gently cleaned him up with baby soap and a wash cloth. He skimmed his hand over the top of the water, then patted it, a ghost of a smile at his lips when he did the tiny, barely even there splash. 

“You splashing?” Judd asked and Carlos shook his head. 

He hadn’t said anything since the night before and Judd wasn’t worried yet because Carlos was always quiet. Judd finished washing Carlos and then pulled him up and out, dried him off and got him dressed in a pull up and a pair of black pants and a blue shirt with a cop car in it. The little boy smiled a little more and ran his hand over it. This was one of the shirts Judd had picked that Carlos had liked the day before. Judd smiled and picked him up and then grabbed the bottle that he’d cleaned in the sink before Carlos had woken up. 

“You ready for breakfast?” Judd asked. 

“Oh-oh,” Carlos whispered, confusion on his brow as he looked for the yellow box. 

“You had cheerios for dinner so we are going to have something else for breakfast.” 

The original plan had been to take Carlos for the free continental breakfast downstairs, but that ended just before Judd had gotten Carlos peeled off him and in the tub. Now, Judd carried him downstairs and out to his truck, buckling him in before going to a local diner. His nerves worried at his tummy and Carlos brought his hand back to his mouth, sucking nervously as Judd got him back out of the car and stood him on the ground. 

The diner wasn’t too busy, probably because it was nearing eleven on a weekday and they got a booth almost immediately. Judd got Carlos situated and scooted in close to the wall before getting in next to him, smiling at the waitress as he ordered a black coffee and some apple juice for Carlos, then took the menus she handed over. One was large and plastic and the other smaller, made of paper and came with a box of four crayons - red, yellow, blue, and green. 

“What do you want to eat?” 

Carlos looked up at Judd and just blinked. He wouldn’t ask for anything. 

“Eating is not negotiable, okay?” Judd said gently. “You ain’t going to go hungry. Do you want eggs?”

Instead of answering, Carlos reached for the crayons that Judd had already opened for him, pulling out the green and started coloring his menu with scribbles. Judd sighed a little and when the waitress came back with drinks, he ordered for both of them and then poured the apple juice into Carlos’s bottle and set it down in front of him. Carlos glanced at it, but didn’t reach for it. He kept scribbling on the paper, setting down the green crayon and picking up the red. 

Carlos hated to turn down a drink that was given to him, but apple juice always hurt his tummy and he wasn’t sure he was ready for that this morning. He kept busy coloring until his breakfast came and Judd quietly pushed the the menu away from him and a plate was set down in its place. 

There were scrambled eggs and bacon, two pieces of white toast, and nearly half a plate of fruit. Carlos eyed everything warily, noting the strawberries with unease. He ate slowly and with his fingers, starting with the eggs and finishing them before making his way through the bacon, then the toast, and finally he started with the fruit. Beside him, Judd was eating a hearty breakfast sandwich while watching to make sure Carlos kept eating. 

He ate his grapes, his melon, his banana, and finally, all that was left was the brightest red strawberries. There was nothing Carlos could waste, he couldn’t affords to have something on his plate left, and so he picked up the berry, pressing it to his lips, the red juice painting them. The last time he’d had a strawberry, Carlos had been small enough that he could no longer recall the taste and he closed his eyes at the super sweet taste. They were delicious. He finished one and then another, and then one more. Aside from the burning, itching sensation they were delicious! 

Judd reached out with a napkin he’d wet in his water glass and wiped at his face. When he pulled away, some of the red came away, residue from the strawberry, but a smear of pink stayed behind. Judd frowned and reached out again, touching the skin around Carlos’s mouth with a frown that only deepened when he realized that Carlos was wheezing. 

“Carlos,” Judd said carefully. “Do you feel okay?” 

Carlos looked up at him and would have chewed his lip, but everything about his face tingled and felt swollen and wrong and it was all he could do to nod that he was fine. Judd stood quickly, all his first responder training kicking in as he pulled two twenties from his wallet, more than enough for their two meals and an extra nice tip and picked up Carlos and their things and ran to the car. 

It took four minutes for Judd to get to the hospital ten minutes away, speeding around cars in a way he never had before. Following the accident he’d been in when he was just a stupid kid meant that once Judd was old enough to drive he did so carefully and never recklessly, until now. 

Carlos’s breathing was harsh and it was getting a little hard to breathe and he didn’t like it, but when he saw where they were he tried to shake his head. He tried to protest, but his speech was muted behind his throat that seemed to be nearly fully closed off. The hospital meant bills and Carlos barely had enough money to pay the bills he already had! He didn’t need more. 

“No,” Carlos rasped. “No ho’p’tal.” 

“Yes, hospital,” Judd said firmly. He parked in the emergency bay, rushing around to the side to pull Carlos out of the seat and ran in. “I need help! He’s a Little, aged 28, anaphylaxis after eating breakfast, I think a fruit, but not sure.” 

Carlos felt more hands on him and suddenly he was on a gurney, too many people around and Judd was stepping away. Weakly, he reached for the man, but he didn’t get what he wanted because someone else stepped up to him and suddenly there was a needle in his arm, terrifying him beyond measure and a mask went over his face. 

It seemed to take forever to be able to breathe normally and Carlos didn’t like it. There were too many people around him and there was much too much noise and he couldn’t see Judd. Had the man left him? Was he there all alone? Only once they were sure he wasn’t going to code, did a few crowding the gurney he was on disperse and Carlos was able to see Judd. He slumped further on the bed despite his racing heart and brought his hand to his mouth, knocking away the mask. 

Judd watched helplessly, sending every prayer up to God that Carlos would be alright, but it didn’t sink in that he would be until they were brought into an actual bay instead of the middle of the emergency room and a curtain was pulled around them for privacy. He looked so small in the hospital bed, an IV poking from his left arm and electrodes stuck to his chest, wires connecting him to an EKG machine to monitor his heart. It was so different helping in cases like this at work, probably because he never had a hand in assisting with the medical stuff outside of C-collars and helping to lift and transport, but also because those weren’t people that he loved. 

The doctor said that Carlos might feel a little jittery or hyperactive, though judging by how Carlos had been lately, Judd doubted he’d have to try and keep him still or quiet. They also said it might make him anxious and, if Judd were a betting man, that’s what he’d put his money on happening. Carlos blinked around at everything, sucking on his hand nervously, his other flitting nervously about the wires. 

“No,” Judd said gently, taking the hand and holding it. “You need to leave the wires be, munchkin.” 

Carlos shook his head so fast he felt nauseous and stilled a little. There was no way he could afford an emergency room visit. Even if he was able to pay the Ryder’s back in future installments, it wouldn’t work that way with medical bills. 

“I know it’s scary,” Judd said, moving to stroke Carlos’s hair. “But you’re okay now.” 

“No, no,” Carlos whispered. “Go bye bye.”

“No going bye bye,” Judd said. “The doctors want to monitor you to make sure you’re not going to react once the epi wears off. Do you know what you’re allergic too?” 

“Saw bee,” Carlos said. 

“A bee stung you?” 

Carlos shook his head and fell silent again. He wasn’t sure he could say strawberry any better just then, too many R’s and syllables and he looked away from Judd. Why was the man even bothering with him? Carlos was too small, too needy, too much. He had so much baggage and wasn’t worth the trouble. 

“Go bye bye,” Carlos said softly. 

“You ain’t going nowhere, Carlos.”

“You bye bye,” Carlos said. 

He didn’t need Judd or Grace or anybody. He would be fine on his own! Carlos could probably get his hands on suppressants and once he was able to work regularly again and pay off all his debts, he could go off them, start dropping with his parents again or spend the money to go to one of the centers. He could do it and Judd wouldn’t need to waste his time on him. 

“I ain’t going nowhere either,” Judd said firmly. 

Carlos wasn’t sure why Judd wouldn’t take the out and he wanted to argue but what was even the point? What he needed to do was focus on getting out of the hospital before they ran anymore tests on him. The bill would already be outrageous, but maybe he could head it off before it got truly astronomical. 

“I all ‘kay,” Carlos said, whimpering a little as he was prevented from pulling off the wires again. “No need hoptal. No can be here.” 

“You do need the hospital, buddy. You had a really scary health scare so we need to make sure you’re okay. Why can’t you be here?” 

“I eat or I hoptal. No no both.”

“Carlos, I’m sorry, I don’t understand,” Judd said. “Why can’t you eat?” 

Carlos tugged on his curls and made a distressed sound when his hand was pulled away. Now Judd had both of his hands pinned in his own and Carlos tried to pull them away, but with no success; Judd wasn’t about to let him hurt himself or pull out any of his wires. 

“No no monies,” Carlos said. “Needs pay little bit foods an’ yous an’ Miss G’acie an’ bills. No no more bill. Gotta go bye bye.” 

Judd looked a little shaken, but he felt like he should have known something like this was wrong. The bad motel, the worse hostel; the damn bag of stale Cheerios he’d been nursing for weeks. Another thought occurred to him as he remembered finding crumpled bills around the house the last time Carlos had stayed with him. 

“Carlos? Isn’t your job paying for your leave?” 

“Mine what?” 

“Your leave of absence?” 

Carlos furrowed his brows and shook his head. “I work.”

“When?”

“Work when bigger,” Carlos said. “I taked alla my time off an’ now no more pay.”

“You’ve just been calling in sick? Not getting paid?” 

Judd felt a little sick to his stomach at the thought. Hadn’t anyone been watching out for him? 

“Bad Los?” Carlos asked.

“No! No, you’re a good boy, Carlos,” Judd said. He squeezed his hands a little bit. “Such a good boy. But I think you need to let me and Gracie worry about the financials. Okay?”

“I pay,” Carlos said. “No cherry.” 

“We can talk about it later,” Judd said. “But you’re a very good boy and it’s okay that you need help. Grace and I want to help you. You’re one of our friends. Will you let us help you?” 

It was hours before Carlos was released from the hospital, the little boy needing to be kept for observation to ensure he didn’t slip back into anaphylaxis once the epi had worn off. After the initial jitteriness had worn off, he’d been exhausted, falling into a nap that lasted hours longer than Judd normally would have let him sleep. By the time he was free of the wires and the hospital, it was already nighttime and he let Judd carry him out with Grace following next to him. She had come shortly before he fell asleep and stayed at his bedside, chatting with Judd in hushed murmurs about what they were going to do. 

When they got back to the hotel, Judd immediately changed Carlos into a diaper that Grace had bought earlier that day and a pair of pajamas, but didn’t tuck him into bed. Grace had followed behind them, stopping to grab food and Carlos needed to stay awake not only to eat, but to talk with them about what was going on.

While he’d napped, Judd and Grace had already made a tentative plan to get him in the foster system because that would help protect him and provide him a monthly stipend. They didn’t need money and were more than happy to feed and clothe and house him, but if he was having difficulties staying big to go to work, this would help provide a safe guard for him alone. 

“Nini?” Carlos asked in confusion when instead of being tucked in, Judd picked him back up. Maybe he didn’t get to sleep in the bed now? 

“Not yet,” Judd said. “Gracie is bringing us dinner and we are going to talk and then you can go nini.” 

“Talk?” 

Carlos shifted in Judd’s arms, preparing himself for being told he couldn’t stay with them anymore. Not after all he had done. Bed bugs, hotels, and hospitals. Who in their right mind would want him to stay after all that? 

“Yeah, we’re going to talk,” Judd said. “But we'll wait for Gracie.” 

Carlos shifted again. Why would Judd make him wait? He supposed maybe Grace would want to say goodbye to him, she was nice like that, but it would be easier if he left without one. The kindness might make him cry. 

“Mr. Judd?” 

“Yeah?”

“Is-is,” Carlos stuttered, trying to find his words. “I cans take baba when go bye bye? P’ease? I pay back I poms. I does it.” 

“Carlos, no one is asking you to leave. We want you to stay with us permanently, no strings attached. And that baba is yours, okay? No matter what you decide. If you do want to stay with us or if you don’t or if you only stay a little while or you want to leave once you’re back on your feet, you can take the baba.” 

Carlos rubbed his eyes, he was so confused. He didn’t understand where this kindness was coming from or why they would even want to bother with him. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his tiny little kitty friend and stuck it in his mouth, chewing it for comfort. They sat like that in the chair by the sliding door that led to a very tiny deck until Grace pushed open the door with two bags of food and a happy meal box for Carlos. 

They set him up at the desk again with his chicken nuggets and barbecue sauce. Grace had gotten him a water to drink and Judd carefully poured it into the bottle, twisting the lid on before handing it to Carlos. He ate slowly and deliberately without fuss, finishing each item before moving into the next and then picked up the bottle and started to suck. There was a little barbecue sauce on his face and his eyes were drooping and when he set the bottle down he tried slipping from the chair, but Judd grabbed him and handed him the toy. 

For a moment, Carlos was excited and then he pulled out a little race car with some person on it and he pushed it a little before almost immediately losing interest in it. He let it fall off the side of the desk and picked up the bottle again, trying to squirm away from Judd. 

“Wait a minute, munchkin. We need to talk, remember?” 

“Is Kay,” Carlos said. “I bye bye. No Mr. Judd an’ Miss G’acie p’ob’em.” 

“Sweetheart, you are not a problem,” Grace said. “Not even a teeny tiny one. We love having you around. We just want to talk about helping you more.” 

“No no more. No need lots,” Carlos said, squirming in Judd’s arms again. He didn’t want to look at either of them. “Jus’ s’eep inside and wittle bit food an’ sometimes keen up. Tha’s all. No need nothin’ more. I be real quiet. Shhhh.” 

Carlos pressed a finger to his mouth as he made the shushing noise. He didn’t need cuddles or kisses or anything if they just let him stay. Neither of them said anything and Carlos quickly started talking again, as if he had to convince them he wouldn’t be trouble and it’d be worth it. 

“An’ I pay! I gotsa pay, but I not can now, but I will!” 

He squirmed off of Judd’s lap this time and ran over to his bag, nearly falling, but he caught himself on the bed. He pulled his phone out of the bag and opened it, navigating to his notes and opened the most recent one as he came back over, holding it out for them to look at. 

“Sees? I ‘member alla it. I writed it down an’ how much monies an’ an’ I pay back when can! I not forget!” 

Carlos swayed a little as Judd took the phone from him and plopped down on the ground before he fell. He chewed on his hand nervously, hoping that maybe they’d feel a little proud of him for remembering everything right back to that first time Grace had picked him up and driven him to the hotel. Everything was accounted for, all the big things like Judd cleaning his parents kitchen when Carlos had burned it down to the small things like the cuddles they had given him. He was going to pay for everything. 

“Carlos,” Judd choked out. He was a confident man, not afraid to cry, but he didn’t want to upset the little boy. “What is this? What are these numbers?”

“Owe,” Carlos said. “I ‘member alla it?” 

“Okay, but buddy, this one here says cuddled long time with a thirty next to it. You don’t owe any money for cuddling.” 

“Uh-huh a caused yous coulda done more better thing but yous cuddle Los ‘stead. I pay yours time. I no cherry case. I pay. I does it. I be goo’ boy!”

Judd and Grace shared one uneasy look that spoke volumes. A hundred conversations could have been had in that one look. A hundred had been had with that one look. 

“Carlos,” Judd said gently, reaching down and picking him up. “You’re a very good boy and you’re right, you’re not a charity case, but you do need help. Gracie and I want to help you. And you don’t need to keep lists of what you owe. You don’t owe us anything. Do you think you can be big for a little bit? So we can talk a little more?”

“Nunno how.”

Judd bit back his sigh and rubbed Carlos’s back gently. “Maybe tomorrow, yeah? We can talk more about expectations when you’re big, but until then, can you trust that me and Gracie want to take care of you?” 

“We really do, sweetheart,” Grace said. 

Carlos let himself nod because it seemed like what they wanted him to say. He wanted it too, but mostly he just wanted to make them happy. If they wanted him to stay, he would, but he wouldn’t ask for anything or do anything that might cause them distress. He would be the perfect guest until they got tired of him, which would probably be soon. Everyone always got tired of him eventually.

Chapter Text

Carlos stood outside the Ryder’s home nervously. The exterminators had done their job quickly, mostly due to the fact that the infestation of bed bugs hadn’t overrun the home before they called. He worried that he still had bugs crawling all over him, though his bug bites were doing better thanks to the antibiotics and the cream Grace and Judd smeared over his skin multiple times a day. Still, the thought that if he brought bugs to them once, he might again was haunting him. 

He fumbled with his sweater, pulling it off successfully before trying to push his pants off. They got stuck at his shoes and he whimpered. There was no way he could go inside without stripping and being checked for buggies first. 

“Carlos! What are you doing?” Judd asked, grabbing him and pulling up his pants. 

“Buggies,” Carlos said, holding his arms out wide so Judd could check. 

“Oh, buddy,” Judd sighed. “You don’t have buggies on you. We got rid of them.” 

Satisfied, Carlos let Judd pick up his sweater and carry him inside. It was early afternoon and Carlos was already exhausted. They had checked out of the hotel at eleven, then gone for brunch before coming back here and Carlos sighed, resting his cheek on Judd’s shoulder. 

“Yeah,” Judd murmured, rubbing his back. “I think it’s nap time. 

Carlos would do whatever Judd told him, but he was glad to hear he could take a nap. He let Judd lay him on the floor first and his shoes and pants were pulled off, leaving him in just his socks and wet diaper. Before Judd could work on that, Carlos curled up, using his arm as a pillow and closed his eyes. Judd just sighed and gently straightened him out and cleaned him up before helping him into a pair of pajamas. These were different than the ones he’d worn at the hotel, blue and covered in cars, but the fabric was wrong. 

Though he’d been nearly asleep when Judd started this, Carlos was awake now. The fabric was cotton and probably fine to most, but to Carlos they were rough and stiff and rubbed against his skin wrong. Carlos swallowed thickly. He didn’t want to be a problem, had promised himself he wouldn’t be, and he knew sensory issues would be a problem. 

They used to bother his parents, his dad more than his mom, but regardless, his aversion to certain fabrics and substances was always seen as a hindrance. He did his best not to whimper and flinch as Judd sat him up and pulled the matching long-sleeved shirt over his head. The shirt was worse than the pants, the fabric rubbing against his skin and pulling at his arm hair by just being there and he bit hard at his lip, urging himself not to cry. Crying was bad and wrong and a problem and Judd was nice to get him pajamas, so Carlos would bear it. If he fell asleep, it wouldn’t be so bad. 

Sleep evaded Carlos after he was tucked in tight with a kiss to the forehead. He tossed and turned under the soft blanket, trying to focus on the bits of him the softness touched, but it wasn’t much and the majority of his body was clothed under the unsavory fabric. He turned in the bed, exhausted and in pain, and crying silently with his hand in his mouth to stifle any louder sobs. 

“Sweetie?” Grace said quietly, stepping in the room. She’d been passing by the room and had only meant to peek in, but his distress had been noticeable. “Carlos? Baby, what’s wrong?” 

Carlos stiffened under the blanket, pulling the blanket up over his face to hide his teary face. He couldn’t tell anyone what was wrong because then they’d know he was ungrateful. He chewed more on his palm as Grace came and pulled the blanket away from his face. She looked worried and Carlos hated that he was worrying. 

“What’s wrong, baby?” Grace said softly, pushing back his curls. “Did you have a bad dream?”

He blinked and shook his head because lying was bad. 

“Then what’s wrong?” 

Grace was still being sweet, not seeming upset with him as she checked to see if he was wet or hurt and it made Carlos want to cry harder. There was no getting comfortable in these pajamas and he’d just have to wait until he passed out or the pajamas were taken off him. 

“Are you hungry? Thirsty?” Grace asked. Two shakes of the head. “Do you want Judd?” 

Carlos did want Judd, but he couldn’t have him. He didn’t shake his head or nod, just kept crying. Grace gave him a look and headed for the door, calling out for Judd, who came quickly and was alarmed to see Carlos sobbing silently. 

“Munchkin,” Judd said. He came over and picked him up, causing Carlos to let out a pained moan. “Buddy are you in pain?” 

He kept crying, unable to answer because he was going to hurt feelings and seem ungrateful if he did. Judd had bought him these pajamas out of the goodness of his heart and rejecting them would mean that Carlos was rude and he’d been raised better than that. 

Judd set Carlos back down and started to strip him, concerned maybe Carlos had scratched open the infection on his stomach or else pinched a finger or maybe had a Charley horse in his leg. The second Carlos was free of the confines of the pajamas he settled, his crying tapering off and he turned his head, relishing in the soft sheets and blanket. 

“Was it the jammies?” Judd asked in bewilderment, picking them up and starting to feel the inside, looking for a tag or pointy bit that might’ve been irritating him. “I don’t feel anything? Gracie?” 

The pajamas were passed to Gracie, who also inspected them, but found nothing. They both looked to Carlos who was no longer crying and had moved from biting his hand to sucking on it, his eyes fluttering shut. 

“Maybe he was too hot?” Judd suggested. 

“Maybe,” Grace said. 

Carlos felt himself being tucked again, sleeping in just the socks and diaper and he quickly succumbed now that the material was no longer hurting his skin. 

He woke up on the floor, tangled in the blankets and nursing a hurt side, but he didn’t call out. After having such a bad tantrum before his nap, Carlos didn’t want to bring attention to himself. If he was a good house guest, he would take care of himself. 

Standing, Carlos pulled the blanket back up and onto the bed, straightening it the best he could before going and sorting himself out. He didn’t have wipes in his bag, but he did have one of the pull-ups he’d bought and he quickly changed the wet diaper for the too small pull-up, not bothering to even go to the bathroom to use the sink to wipe himself up. Once he’d finished that, he rooted around for his clothes, pulling out the ones that smelled the least and put them on. It didn’t matter to him if his shirt was on backwards or if he couldn’t do up the button on his pants. At least these clothes didn’t hurt him the way the pajamas had. 

Once he was dressed and he’d cleaned up the bed, Carlos sat with his back to the wall and gently bounced his little kitty around the air silently. He could be a good, quiet boy who didn’t bother anyone. 

He didn’t know how long he’d been on the floor, silently bouncing his kitty before Judd came in. The man leaned against the door frame, watching Carlos for a minute and taking in the room around him. He’d made the bed and was making absolutely no noise. This wasn’t what happy little boys did. 

“Hey, kiddo,” Judd said at last. 

Carlos looked up at him, still quiet as a mouse. He stayed that way as Judd came over and the man moved to sit on the floor next to him. 

“I see you’re playing with the kitty,” Judd said gently. “Maybe we should put you in some clean clothes and we can look at the toys in the bin over there?”

“Keen ‘nough,” Carlos said softly. 

“Yeah, but I think these need a trip through the washing machine. Do you want to help me pick out what you should wear?” 

Carlos nodded because it seemed like that’s what Judd wanted him to do and let himself be helped up off the ground. They hadn’t gotten around to putting Carlos’s things in the nursery dresser yet, so he was led down the hall to the master, where Judd had already laid out three different shirts and two pairs of pants. 

“Feel them,” Judd prompted. “I want to make sure you’re comfortable.” 

Carlos reached out his hand, recoiling almost immediately at the feel of the first shirt and then felt terrible. He was being ungrateful. Wrapping his arms around himself, Carlos took a step away from the bed and looked down at the floor. 

“Alla it ‘kay.”

“Carlos,” Judd said. “Can you listen to me really good for a minute?”

Carlos nodded quickly. 

“Good boy! Now, this is your body. You don’t have to wear anything you don’t like because it feels funny or you just don’t like it because you don’t think it looks nice. Just like how you don’t eat things that will hurt you. Okay? You just gotta tell me and Gracie if you don’t like something so we know how to help you, but it’s your body so that means you decide what goes in and on it.” 

Carlos blinked up at Judd as the man spoke. It still felt rude to turn down the things that were bought and he slipped his thumb knuckle back in his mouth. 

“I promise, I’m not going to get mad if something makes you uncomfortable or will make you sick,” Judd said gently. 

“Mr. Judd pick,” Carlos mumbled. 

“I want you to pick. You’re the one that has to wear them.” 

Carlos wasn’t good at picking or making decisions. The last time he’d really done it, TK had screamed at him, broken up with him, and blocked his number. Carlos didn’t think clothes would warrant that response, but what if it did? He wrapped his free arm around himself and started to gnaw on his skin, avoiding eye contact with Judd. 

“How about this,” Judd offered. “I pick, but if it’s something that makes you uncomfortable or hurts your skin, you tell me and I’ll pick something else?”

It took time, but eventually Carlos an outfit was decided on and Carlos was compliant, letting Judd help him undress and flinched when Judd saw the pull up and swore. 

“I sorry,” Carlos said quickly, then promptly burst into tears. He was always doing the wrong thing. 

“Oh, munchkin,” Judd said softly. “I ain’t mad at you, but why are you wearing that pull-up? It’s too small for you and it gives you a rash because you’re allergic to it, remember?”

“Use up,” Carlos hiccupped. 

“No,” Judd said. “We can donate these ones to a shelter maybe, but we can’t use them on you because they hurt you. So I’m going to put you in something fresh, okay?” 

Carlos felt terrible as he was changed into a new diaper, then the clothes that Judd had picked out. When he was picked back up, Carlos tucked his face into Judd’s neck, breathing hot air in the man as his still flowing tears streamed. Judd kept a steady stream of reassurances as he bounced Carlos gently down the hall and to the kitchen, holding him close even as he prepared a bottle.

When the bottle was pressed to his lips, Carlos opened his mouth and started sucking greedily, expecting it to be water or juice, maybe even milk, but it was none of those. He opened his mouth and pulled back from Judd, looking around in curiosity. The taste was familiar, but he couldn’t place it until he saw the empty packaging on the counter. It was a protein shake, something he’d had countless of times if he was running late and couldn’t have something more substantial, but hadn’t had in a long time. They were just too expensive. 

“No no,” Carlos said, shaking his head. “Wawa!”

“I can get you some water too, but I want you to drink this,” Judd said. “You’ve lost a lot of weight, Carlos and that’s not good.” 

“I sorry.” 

“Don’t be sorry, munchkin,” Judd murmured. He held the bottle back to Carlos’s mouth, “Please just drink this. It’ll help.” 

Carlos opened his mouth to take the bottle again, then wrapped one hand around it to hold it. He wasn’t so tiny he needed to be fed and he had to make sure Judd knew he wasn’t completely reliant on others. 

Three days later, Carlos woke up to his phone ringing and he reached up on the nightstand from where he was tangled in the sheets on the floor and put it to his ear with a groggy hello that soon had him waking right up. He was quick to push himself up, rubbing at his eyes and shaking his head to try and get rid of the fog that had been filling it for far too long. As scary as it was to be back in a semi-normal headspace, Carlos knew he needed to obey orders on the other end of the phone and go into work. He’d called out too many times and was at risk of losing his job if he didn’t go in now. 

“Hey, sweetheart,” Grace said when he came into the kitchen. 

“Hi,” Carlos said quietly. 

“Are you not feeling small?” 

“I need to go to work,” Carlos said quietly. 

Grace appraised him, setting down her coffee cup on the counter after one sip. “That’s not what I asked Carlos.” 

“I’m fine,” Carlos said, shifting and not meeting her eyes. 

“I’m not sure you should be working right now.”

“I appreciate you and everythin’,” Carlos said. “But I have to do this.” 

“Have to do what?” Judd asked. 

“Carlos wants to go into work,” Grace said. 

“Oh,” Judd said. “No.” 

“What do you mean no?” 

“I mean you haven’t been able to be in an adult headspace for god knows how long and after that you should not be going to work until you have a better grasp on things. If you’re still big tonight we need to have that conversation to figure out how all this is going to work.” 

“I need to work.”

“Not today,” Judd said. “I have to go to work and you are going to stay here and if I find out that you went to work, I am going to pull you over my knee and I really do not want to have to do that right now.”

“They called me, I can’t just not go in.” 

“Call them back and tell them that you need to submit for FMLA leave due to your classification status. If they deny that then you’ve got a lawsuit on your hand and you’ll never have to work again. Carlos, I’m not asking here - you’re not going to work and we can talk about this more tonight if you’re still big.” 

Carlos stared up at Judd, suddenly disliking how much bigger Judd was than him. The older man didn’t know what it was like for Carlos - he couldn’t just keep going without a paycheck because what if he and Grace decided they didn’t want him around anymore? Carlos wouldn’t blame them if they decided that because he knew he was a lot of work, but he needed to be prepared for if, or rather when, it was going to happen. Part of being prepares would include him having a steady income. 

“Sorry, sweetie,” Grace said and squeezed his arm. “We just don’t want you hurt.” 

Carlos nodded at her and went back to the room he’d been staying in, feeling the weight and tightening of his chest and he tried to remind himself to breathe. He heard when Judd left and, not too long after that, he heard came out of the room holding his phone and his keys. 

“I’m going to go see my mom,” He said quietly. “If that’s okay?” 

Grace smiled at him a little sadly and said, “I’m not going to prevent you from seeing your mom if that’s what you want. Do you want me to drive you?” 

“No thank you,” Carlos said. “I think I just want a little time to myself to think.” 

At that Grace nodded and reached forward, squeezing his arm gently. “Be careful.”

“I will. Thanks, Grace.” 

Carlos hated lying to her; she didn’t deserve that, but it was the only way he was going to be able to get to work. It wasn’t like they would find out and, if they did, that was okay. He could just go back to living in the hostel for a little bit until he found his feet. He’d understand if they no longer trusted him after this, but it was important that he work and earn money! And all the talk about FMLA probably wouldn’t apply to him anyway because he wasn’t even hurt. 

Carlos didn’t want to be here. He was here to keep his job and earn some money so he could pay the Ryder’s back and all of his debts and that was it. Probably he should have listened when Judd and Grace told him not to come in, but that wasn’t a luxury he could afford even though his head hurt and he was one inconvenience from a full on meltdown and subsequent drop. 

Lexie was still gone, so he was at least riding solo, though he’d much prefer if he got to stay in doing paperwork. As he hadn’t been working and this hadn’t been patrolling, there was no paperwork to do, so here he was responding to calls and just trying to get through the day. He rubbed his temples as another call came through and he picked up the call as soon as it ended without even really registering what it was for. He should’ve known that sometime today he was going to run into the 126, he’d just been praying he wouldn’t. 

The second he saw the fire engine at the little blue house on the corner, Carlos knew that it was going to be them and he should make up a lie and say he saw another crime happening and let someone else take this call, but he couldn’t do that. It was his job to help people. So what if Judd seeing him would ensure he didn’t have a home to go to tonight? He didn’t need one anyway. 

He saw TK first and averted his gaze, his breath hitching. This would be the first time they saw each other on a call since TK had exploded at him and he didn’t want him to think that he had taken it just to get close to TK and overstep boundaries. He was talking with the homeowner when he caught Judd’s eye and hastily turned away and finished getting the statement from the frightened woman quickly, handing over his card before heading back to the car. 

“What’re you doing out here, Carlos?” Judd asked quietly, coming up beside him. 

“I had to work,” Carlos mumbled. 

“No, you didn’t,” Judd said. 

“I’m not small. I have to work.” 

Judd sighed and wiped his palm over his face, appraising Carlos. They hadn’t talked rules considering Carlos had been consistently dropped over the time he’d been staying with them, but that was going to need to change. Carlos couldn’t think he could just do whatever he wanted. 

“We’ll talk about this tonight,” Judd finally said. “Be safe and I expect you home by six, no later.” 

Carlos nodded his head, shrinking away from Judd and going back into his car. He saw TK again as he pulled away and had to stop a block over to stop his tears. Surely TK was asking Judd why he was talking to him and making sure Judd knew how much of a mess Carlos really was. It would be a miracle if his meager belongings weren’t on the lawn for him to collect whenever he got back to their home after all this. 

At five minutes to six, Carlos was sitting in his car outside of the Ryder’s, puzzling over why his things weren’t out on the lawn. Granted he didn’t have many things, but they had said that some things would be his if he left like his baba, and Carlos burned red at that and how his tummy hurt thinking he wouldn’t get it after all. He watched the minutes tick by and with a minute to spare, he left the car and headed up the path, knocking on the door lightly. 

“What’re you knocking for?” Judd asked when he opened the door. “You can come in.” 

“It’s your home,” Carlos mumbled. “I’m here to get my things.” 

“What are you talking about? This is your home too. Get in here.” 

Judd stepped aside to give Carlos room to step inside and he did so hesitantly, his hands in his pockets and his head down. He was led to the sofa where Grace was already sitting, one leg crossed over the other and Carlos hated that she wasn’t smiling. His leaving had violated her trust and he knew that wasn’t good behavior but there was still no way he could have gone without working! 

“Carlos,” Judd said. “Before we have the big conversation, I want to know what you meant by you were here to get your things?”

“I know it’s not much,” Carlos mumbled. “But I need my clothes and-and you said if I left I could take the bottle, but I understand if you don’t want me to.” 

“Who said you’re leaving?” Grace interrupted, glaring at Judd on principal. 

“You’re kicking me out aren’t you?” 

Carlos dared a glance up in time to see both of them looking stricken and he looked back down quickly, playing with his fingers. 

“No,” Judd said, “We ain’t doing that, but the three of us are going to sit down and have a grown up conversation about what’s been going on because we want to help and need to make sure we ain’t over stepping. And once that’s done you’re going to go over my knee. You ain’t fit for work right now and you lied to Gracie. In the future, that would earn you two smackings because you disobeyed orders and lied to her, but we are letting you off with one and a warning this time.”

Carlos gulped and gave a tiny nod to show he understood. No one wanted a spanking, but compared to having to go back to the hostel, Carlos much preferred this. He wondered whether Judd would be using a paddle or a belt, but didn’t voice his question yet, wanting to get the hard part over with. 

“Carlos,” Grace said, her voice so kind it immediately caused a lump to form in Carlos’s throat. “What’s been going on, sweetheart? Why were you living in the motel? Why’d you go to work? We have so many questions and no answers.” 

“I have to work!” Carlos said. “I gotta earn money so I can pay you back and my bills and if I don’t work I’ll get fired and I can’t afford that. I used all my PTO and FMLA won’t work because it’s not like I’m hurt and can’t work! I can’t lose my job!”

“That’s not true,” Grace said. “You don’t need to be physically hurt to qualify for FMLA not to mention you’re part of a protected classification. If they denied you, they’d be looking at a huge lawsuit and honey, the APD would lose that one.”

Carlos blinked at her and nervously bit the inside of his cheek. He looked down at his lap again and said, “I don’t know how.” 

“We can help you,” Grace said. “We just need to know what’s going on and how we can best do that, okay? Now, let’s go over a few things and then we can talk about how to help with work, okay?”

It was a hard conversation, far from enjoyable for any of them and Carlos would have preferred to be done before he’d even begin. He had always been a private person, holding things close to the chest and keeping his heart away from his sleeve. There was much he had to tell and even more that he kept to himself, wanting to keep the walls around him standing while building a tiny window for Judd and Grace to peek through. By the time he finished explaining and answering questions, Carlos was exhausted and curled in on himself, rubbing at his eyes with his hands. 

“Oh, Carlos,” Grace said softly, reaching a hand up to push at his curls. 

He felt himself flush with shame at her pitying tone and drew away. Carlos didn’t want to be pitied. He was strong and competent! He was a Reyes! He wasn’t charity who should be looked at like that because it was to close to admitting to have failed at something. If he was smart, Carlos could recover from this still - he just needed a little help and he barely needed that. Just a place to rest his weary head at the end of the day that wasn’t his parents because they didn’t need to know how close he’d been to rock bottom. 

“Carlos,” Judd said. “If we didn’t want you hear, we’d tell you and find alternative options, but that’s not the case. You’re one of our friends and we want to help you. Can you let us do that?” 

“I really can’t pay you right now.” 

“We don’t expect you to,” Grace said. 

“It’s too much.”

“No it ain’t,” Judd said. 

Grace appraised Carlos and the way he was folding himself up to make himself smaller than he was and she reached out to take his hand, squeezing it right. 

“Sweetie, we don’t want you to worry about paying us back right now. You need to focus on healing and getting a grip on your headspace again and catching up on bills. Once you’re in a good spot, we can reassess if needed.”

“No,” Carlos said, his breath hitching as panic burned in his chest. “Is too much. I gotta give you something in return!” 

“That’s why we would reassess later,” Grace said. “When you’re able.” 

“It’s too much work and stuff. I use lots of extra stuff. I can work!” 

Grace exchanged another look with Judd. They were both pretty sure that Carlos was beyond logical reason right then with the way he was rubbing his eyes harder and curling in on himself. He had pushed himself too much going to work that day and he was going to drop again. 

“There’s another way, but it’s harder,” Judd said. 

“What is it?” 

Judd rubbed a hand over his face warily, pretty positive that this was just going to be a non-option for Carlos.”

“You could enroll in the foster program for Little’s. You’d get a monthly stipend to help you - and us since you’re so insistent on that - but Carlos, that’s a long process. Your next of kin would be notified and even if they didn’t want to take you in, and I’d reckon they would want to, you might not even get placed with us.” 

“Why not?” 

“We don’t usually take in baby littles, so we’re not as equipped for that.” 

“I’m not a baby!” 

“That begs another question,” Grace said. “How old are you?” 

“Three! I told you that,” Carlos lied. He rubbed at his eyes again. “Big boy.” 

Another glanced was shared between the married couple. There was no way he was actually three and they knew it, but right now wasn’t going to be the time to fight that battle.

“Can you please tell us what you want to do for now, sweetheart? If you drop again, we want to be prepared with how to best help you,” Grace said. “Reassess or foster? Then we can be done with this conversation for now.”

Carlos chewed on his cheek for a moment, feeling like this was a life or death decision. Ultimately, he didn’t want his parents to know or be sent off with strangers, so there really was no decision to be made.

“Reassess.” 

“Thank you for making a choice.” Grace squeezed his hand gently and stood up, placing a kiss to the top of his head. “I’m going to go heat something up for dinner while you two discuss your going into work.” 

Judd sighed internally as he watched Carlos squirm uncomfortably at Grace’s words. He didn’t want to punish him after hearing how much Carlos had been struggling but Carlos needed to know actions had consequences and he wasn’t going to be able to get away with anything that would be detrimental to his health. 

“C’mere, munchkin,” Judd said, shifting Carlos to sit on his lap. “I know where you were coming from, however misguided it was, but what you did today was incredibly unsafe and had you had this conversation with us this morning, or earlier, we could’ve had a plan for how to help. Do you understand how precarious your headspace is right now. And how dangerous dropping in your profession can be? Carlos, you carry a gun, for crying out loud!” 

Carlos wouldn’t make eye contact, mostly because he did know how dangerous it was to drop at work. Every year, he had to take the training about it to remain active within the APD. He didn’t want to think about what might’ve happened. 

“I thought I ahd to.” 

“I know, but it was still naughty. If Grace or I say no, you have to respect that. If you disagree, we can have a conversation, right? No secrets or endangering yourself when we are trying to keep you safe. Capiche?”

“Quiche,” Carlos mumbled. 

Judd was going to need to hurry before Carlos fully dropped and so he wasted no time in tipping him over his lap now, chuckling when he squirmed and flailed. 

“Settle down. You know how naughty bottoms are dealt with around here.” 

Carlos settled a bit, though he was still nervous. He didn’t want to cause anymore trouble than he already had, sure that just one more mistake or wrong doing or outburst would cause them to change their minds. 

“You want my belt?” Carlos asked as he felt his pants being pushed down. His dad would’ve used the belt; putting himself in danger was a big no-no. 

“No, buddy,” I don’t,” Judd said. “Not this time. You’re getting ten with my hand.”

“Ten? That’s not many.” 

“You asking for me? I ain’t never had no one ask me for more smacks.”

“Was bad,” Carlos said. 

“You were naughty, yes, but we’re going to deal with this and if it happens again, then there might be a bigger number or a paddle being used.”

Had Carlos not been teetering on the edge of another drop, Judd knew he probably would have given him more and maybe even used the paddle this time, but given the current fractured state of the young man, Judd didn’t want to scare him. He warned him that he was starting and brought his hand down hard against the boy’s skin, thankful that his rash had cleared up by now. Carlos kicked and squirmed like any little boy getting a spanking would, but it wasn’t until the penultimate one that he started to audibly cry. Judd finished the last swat and quickly righted Carlos, rocking and telling him how well he had taken his punishment. 

As much as Carlos wanted to put up another wall to shield himself after being so vulnerable, he couldn’t bring himself to in that moment. He needed the cuddles and reassurances that it was all going to be okay, even if it was only for a little while. 

He shifted between Judd’s thighs, burying his face and fingers in Judd’s shirt as he kicked his pants off the rest of the way. Judd kept him steady as he shifted, smiling as Carlos nuzzled into his chest. A glorious aroma was wafting from the kitchen and Judd turned ever so slightly to watch Grace work, figuring it was best if he stayed put and let Carlos doze until dinner. 

It wasn’t long after Carlos calmed that he let out a sleepy sigh and brought his hand up to suck on, clearly dropping harder and Judd was sure that bedtime was going to be immediately following dinner that night. Judd was already planning the routine when he felt it, but because Carlos didn’t seem to notice, Judd stayed put, letting Carlos’s bladder empty fully on him so as not to cause him distress. The distress was inevitable though, for as soon as Judd shifted, standing and lifting Carlos with him, the little realized what he had done and whimpered. 

“Oh-oh,” He whispered, looking up at Judd and vibrating with anxiety. “Oh-oh Mr. Judd.”

“It’s okay, munchkin. It was my fault.”

Carlos shook his head and tapped his chest, trying to indicate it was him who had peed and not Judd. 

“Little boys have accidents. I should’ve put you in a diaper; so that’s my fault.” 

Carlos stayed quiet as he was cleaned up and still while he sat on the big bed while Judd changed too. He kept his had up, sucking on the side of his hand where it connected to his thumb. Everything felt catastrophic and he really didn’t want to lose Judd and grace, so as he laid on their bed, sleepily watching as Judd pulled on a new pair of pajamas, he promised he would do whatever it took to stay. 

Chapter Text

Carlos was sitting on the living room floor where Grace could see him from the kitchen. She had scattered a few toys around him that she thought he might like, but Carlos didn’t seem interested in most of them. He had dutifully lined the cars up from biggest to smallest and didn’t even glance at the race tracks. Grace wasn’t sure if he didn’t like the toys or just didn’t want to make a mess, but either way, she was hoping to fix that soon. He was a little boy - he should have toys he liked and make a mess because that’s what little boys did. They didn’t need to worry about not making one. 

Once the cars were lined up nicely, Carlos pulled his hands back from the toys, smiling a little at what he had done, then chanced a glance in the kitchen. Grace was paying him no attention and Carlos didn’t blame her; he could keep himself entertained and didn’t need to bug her none. He did wish that Judd was there though, having formed some sort of separation anxiety from the man, but he’d had to go to work that morning with the promise of being back for dinner. It was barely even lunch time now. 

“Hey baby,” Grace said, squatting down next to him. “I have lunch ready for you. Do you want to come eat?” 

Carlos pushed himself up to his feet unsteadily and took her outstretched hand. About a half an hour prior, Grace had come to ask him what he’d wanted to eat but he had clammed up and shaken his head, unable to tell her what he wanted, so she’d decided for him and just hoped he would like it. Peanut butter and jelly was a pretty safe bet and she’d paired it with apple slices and his bottle was filled with water. Carlos sat at the table and quietly began to eat his apples, regarding the sandwich warily. It had been cut into four triangles, but Carlos worried it would make his hands sticky, having caught sight of some of the spread coming out from the side. 

Once he’d finished with the apples he picked up the sandwich gingerly and started to eat, doing his best to keep from making a mess. The spread still got on his fingers and Carlos whined despite wanting to stay quiet and good. He couldn’t help it when stickiness always made him feel wrong. 

“Here we go,” Grace murmured, wiping his hands with a damp cloth. “Is that better?” 

Carlos nodded and let her periodically wipe his hands until he finished his sandwich. It was nice to have someone help with that he mused and, before he could, she whisked his plate to the sink, leaving him with just his bottle, which he took back to the living room with him as he moved to sit looking out the window, watching for Judd. 

“What’re you doing over here, baby?” Grace asked. “Don’t you want to play?” 

She gestured over to the toys and Carlos shook his head. He had already played with them and now he just wanted to wait for Judd. The man had worked the day before too and when he got home, he’d picked Carlos up and twirled him around like an airplane and that had been fun. He wondered if Judd would do it again. 

Grace just smiled and said, “Okay, sweetheart, but if you change your mind, you can play.” 

Carlos nodded and turned back to the window, sucking his bottle and hoping time would go faster. He finished his bottle in no time and though he wanted more, he didn’t want to bother Grace and ask for more. He wasn’t allowed to pour his own either, having learned that when the day prior he had tried and ended up spilling all over the kitchen the floor. 

There were lots of things he wasn’t allowed to do when he was small, he was learning, which was weird because he had done so many of them for so long. No pouring his own water or cutting his own food or using the oven. No changing his own diapers. Carlos was sure there was more he couldn’t do, but he wasn’t sure what else and he didn’t know how to ask. 

He shifted a little, glancing over to check on Grace before resuming staring out the window. It was close to being time for a nap if his heavy eyes were anything to go by and Carlos shifted again, wondering if maybe he could sleep right here by the window. As much as he liked the bed in the nursery and how plush the mattress was and how soft the blankets were, he really didn’t like when he woke up a tangled mess on the floor. Often, he woke up as a result of the fall and he was starting to have some bruises from where the blankets didn’t protect him. 

Grace watched him with worry, having already snapped a photo she sent off to Judd of him looking out the window, waiting. It had been two days and she hadn’t heard Carlos speak once. He would nod or shake his head whenever they asked him something, but he didn’t talk to them and he never asked for anything. Even when they gave him options at meals, Carlos would shrug at worst and point at best. It worried her that he wouldn’t communicate or maybe that he couldn’t, though she wasn’t sure he was that little. 

He had his bottle in front of him and would occasionally clamp his fingers together and tap the tips of each hand together in some kind of stim from what Grace could tell. Grace was sure he would be fine the few minutes while she did some research on baby sign. They hadn’t had a placement before that was non-verbal and, at three, TK was the youngest they ever had over until Carlos came along, and they would need to adapt to his specific needs. Grace watched him over her screen, glancing up after every paragraph she read on the merit of teaching sign to those who were non-verbal and every time she did, he was still at the window, watching and waiting. 

She kept reading, skimming ahead to some of the nj basic signs and, when she did, she felt her stomach drop because there, depicted in words, a photo, and a video, was the stim she’d caught Carlos doing over the last few days. More. Had he been asking for more without her and Judd knowing? Feeling more than a little sick, Grace came over, kneeling down in front of him. 

“Hey, sweetheart. I know you haven’t felt much like talking recently and that’s okay, but I was looking online and I’ve noticed you doing this with your hands,” she said and started demonstrating his movement as depicted by the instructions in the article. “Have you been asking for more when you do that?” 

Carlos looked up at her with wide eyes. Was she going to punish him for asking for more? He should have been grateful to get what he got, not that he wasn’t, but sometimes he just needed a little more milk or water, though last night he’d done it after Grace had made spaghetti and he’d wanted some more. Had that been her breaking point? He looked down at his hands as if they were bad and moved them under his bottom, sitting on them so he wouldn’t risk asking for more ever again as he hung his head. 

“Baby, you’re not in trouble. If you want more of something, I want you to ask, but Judd and I don’t know sign language. Look,” Grace pushed her phone out to show him the article. “I was looking it up to give you a way to talk with us when you can’t use your words and I saw this. It’s what you’ve been doing, right? Asking for more?” 

“I sorry,” Carlos said softly. 

“No need to be sorry, baby. I’m sorry we didn’t understand. We will now, okay? Any time you want more of something, we know what that sign means now and can get you more. Do you know any others?” 

Carlos gave a tentative little nod of his head and brought his hands back up from under his bottom. He didn’t know that many, just a few basic ones they’d taught at the academy when he was undergoing his officer training. Slowly, he showed her the other ones he knew - please, thank you, water, milk, hungry, all done, and sorry. He was a little clumsy with them, having never really had anyone who saw him use the signs and recognize what he needed. Usually he dropped with his parents and could typically tell them what he needed. It was harder with strangers or people he didn’t know as well. At least when he’d dropped with TK, the other boy would tell his dad whatever Carlos needed, making his quiet state a non-issue. He had also never been this non-verbal before, but he didn’t want to bother them. 

“Thank you for showing me those,” Grace said, reaching out and rubbing his back. “That was so brave of you!” 

Carlos nodded at her, then turned back to watching out the window. Grace kissed the top of his head as she stood up and grabbed his bottle, recalling him recently signing more after he had emptied it. When she came back in the room, she found Carlos lying on the ground, his eyes closed and his thumb up near his mouth. 

“Carlos, sweetheart. How about we get you to bed?” 

He opened his eyes, shaking his head a little and then reached for the window, stopping just short of putting his fingerprints against the glass. Grace sighed a little to herself, but let him be, giving him a throw pillow and covering him with a blanket from the back of the couch. This wasn’t a fight she wanted to have with him.

Carlos woke up slowly and shifted under the blanket, grasping an edge of it to rub against his cheek. Sun was still spilling through the window warming his skin and there was a full bottle of water next to him which he took and started to suckle easily, turning his head to look around the room. Grace was sitting on the couch, looking at her phone and hadn’t noticed him yet, but Carlos was sure that she would soon and, when she did, he’d be ready for her. 

He was still making a small circle with his fist in front of his chest when Grace looked up and tugging on his curls with his free hand. She frowned, consulting her notes as she came over to him, crouching down. 

“Sorry? Why’re you sorry?” 

The answer wasn’t a simple yes or no, so Carlos didn’t answer her, just signed sorry again before signing please and thank you and rapid succession. To say Grace was confused was an understatement and she felt his forehead first, checking for fever before pulling the blanket back to check his diaper, finding it more than a little soaked. Anymore and it would be leaking all over the floor. 

“Let’s get you changed,” Grace said, helping him to stand. “Is that why you’re sorry?” 

Carlos nodded his head, taking her hand and letting her lead him down to the nursery. He wasn’t allowed to change himself anymore, not since he’d put the bad pull-up on instead of one that wouldn’t hurt him, and he still felt awful for needing so much care. It was part of why he never told them when he was wet. He could, at very least, try to limit the amount of times they needed to tend to his bottom.  

“It’s okay,” Grace murmured as she cleaned him up. “You’re just a little guy. We don’t mind helping with this.” 

Carlos gave no acknowledgement he heard her, even though he had, and lied still as can be. Once he was all cleaned up and in a fresh diaper, Grace sent him off to play and Carlos looked around the room, hoping to find something he’d like, then instantly felt guilty. They shouldn’t cater to his likes and wants - they already did so much for him and Carlos could make do. 

He was back at the window when Judd pulled up and he stopped trying to stack the few cars he’d taken from the nursery and pushed them away. Whenever Judd came back, Carlos never met him at the door, not wanting to bombard him with neediness from the moment he walked in, so he’d wait until Judd came to him and, when he did, Judd picked him up and twirled him around, cracking a tiny smile from him before setting him down. 

“Hey there, munchkin,” Judd said. “Did you have a good day?” 

Carlos nodded, doing the sign for more, wanting Judd to spin him again. 

Judd ruffled his hair and stepped back only for Grace to speak up. “He wants you to spin him again.” 

“What?” Judd asked. “You a mind reader?” 

“He’s asking for more,” Grace said. “When he does that with his hands? It’s sign language. It means more.”

“Is that right?” Judd asked. He turned back around and picked Carlos up, spinning him a few more times and when he set Carlos back down, the little boy plopped back on his bottom and clapped softly with the tiniest little smile on his face. 

Judd smiled and ruffled his hair again and Carlos shifted just a little more toward him, leaning his head into his leg, one hand clutching to his jeans. 

“Did you two learn a new language while I was gone?” 

“I did,” Grace admitted. “Seems Carlos already knows a few. Sweetie, do you want to show Judd your signs?” 

Carlos looked up at her and then started to show his signs, letting Grace translate each one in turn. When he finished the last one he reached back out, letting his fingers twist around Judd’s jeans and he lifted his other hand to his mouth sucking softly on his hand. He was a little bit bored and he didn’t want to put that on either of the Ryder’s, but maybe if they snuggled him, that would help. 

Judd looked down at him and smiled, ruffling his hair again. “You okay?” 

Carlos nodded his head, hiding his face in Judd’s leg. 

“He’s been waiting for you to get home,” Grace said. “Just watching out the window.” 

The thought made Judd’s chest ache and he squatted down to pick Carlos up, rubbing his back as he stood up. Carlos wished Grace hadn’t told him that; he hadn’t even realized she knew that’s what he was doing, but he didn’t want Judd to think he was so needy! He hid his face, closing his eyes tight, but Judd didn’t fuss or make any kind of deal over it, just held him tight and pressed a kiss to his head. 

“I missed you too,” Judd said. “And now that I’m home you have all my attention. What’re we gonna do?” 

Carlos shrugged his shoulders and rested his cheek against Judd’s shoulder, letting out a little sigh. He was just grateful that Judd was here - he was content to stay just like this forever. 

The room was still very dark when Carlos woke up, just the soft glow of a nightlight plugged in near the bed to light everything up. He could tell it was still late due to the eerie silence homes took on during sleeping hours, but that was hardly registered over the pain he felt. The blankets were tangled around him and he whined softly as he fought to get an arm free, finally doing so and bringing his fingers up to touch his temple, feeling something wet and sticky. 

Until now, Carlos had done a good job of not waking the Ryder’s while they slept. He usually woke early, before either of them and would hastily make the bed as best he could before he would sit with his back to a wall, sucking his fingers or the bottle he was put to bed with and playing with his tiny cat. Tonight was different because his tumble from bed wasn’t as nice as they had been; none of the others left him bleeding and in pain. He stumbled down the hallway and quietly pushed open the door to the master, assessing the bed to figure out where Judd was. 

“Mister Judd,” Carlos whispered. “Wake up p’ease. I sorry, wake up.” 

Judd woke quickly, eyes snapping open at the sound of the whisper and he blinked, trying to get his eyes to adjust before rolling over to turn on the light. Nothing could’ve prepared him to see Carlos standing over his bedside with a face covered in blood. 

“Jesus! Carlos, what happened?” 

“Shh!” Carlos shushed, pressing a finger to his lips and making the sound. “No wake Miss G’ace!”

Just as quickly, he dropped his hand to the sign for sorry, horrified at shushing the man. He didn’t mean to be rude, but it was bad enough Carlos had to wake one of them up, he didn’t want to disturb Grace too.

Judd hushed him gently, murmuring that it was okay as he got out of bed and picked Carlos up, carrying him into the bathroom and sitting him on the counter. 

“What happened?” 

“Falled ‘gain,” Carlos said dutifully. “Need bana p’ease.” 

“You need a banana?” Judd asked. 

“No no. Bana for owie.” 

“Oh band-aid. Silly me. We can get you a band aid once I get this all cleaned up. Where did you fall from? Why were you awake? It’s barely three in the morning.” 

“Bed,” Carlos said, wincing as Judd pressed a damp cloth to his head, having found the source of his bleeding. “Bana for table? I fix?” 

Judd shook his head. “Band aids don’t go on tables, just people. Do you want to pick your band aid?”

He bent down, rooting around for the bin that had a variety of bandages that would appeal to a Little. Mostly they were Marvel or Paw Patrol, though there were a few princesses and, much to Carlos’s apparent delight, Sesame Street. 

“Momo!” 

“Yeah, that’s Elmo,” Judd said. “Do you like him?”

Carlos nodded and held out the bandage to Judd. “P’ease.” 

Judd smiled and pulled back the damp cloth to peer at the cut. It was superficial, head wounds just tended to bleed more. He couldn’t put the band aid over the cut because it was in his hairline, but Judd gently placed it over his forehead before pressing a quick kiss to it, the way all Littles needed when they had an injury. In return, Carlos did his sign for thank you and then yawned, rubbing at his eyes with his fists. 

“Yeah, we need to get you back to bed, munchkin,” Judd murmured. “Let’s change you and then we can go lie with Gracie, how about that?” 

“No no,” Carlos said, wiggling now. “I s’eep ’lone.” 

“Not if you’re going to fall from the bed,” Judd said. “I wished you’d told me earlier. We could’ve fixed it before you got hurt.” 

Carlos didn’t squirm as Judd pulled down his pajama bottoms to give him a quick clean, but he did fall silent again, his hand back in his mouth, alternating between sucking and chewing. He hadn’t meant to make Judd angry, but he sure sounded like he was now, tired and exasperated and Carlos wondered if he shouldn’t have woken him up. No one wanted to be woken in the middle of the night for something like this and he let his mind wander, trying to force down the sudden lump in his throat. If he hadn’t cried from the pain of hurting his head, he wouldn’t cry over being a rude houseguest! 

“All done,” Judd murmured, patting Carlos’s tummy after getting his bottoms back on. “Let me just wash my hands and then we can go night night.” 

Carlos rolled over and pushed himself up onto his hands and knees and started crawling from the bathroom while Judd's hands were under the tap. He wasn’t going to bother anyone anymore than he had that night and he definitely wouldn’t sleep in the big bed with Judd and Grace. Even if Judd said it was okay, Grace might not agree and he wouldn’t wake the woman up if he could avoid it. 

“Whoa, Carlos, stay put buddy.” 

The urge to keep going battled with the instruction to stay and Carlos hesitated, no longer crawling forward, but didn’t sit back on his bottom. He looked up at Judd, now hastily drying his hands, and made a little noise when the bigger man bent to pick him up, crawling away again. 

“No,” Judd said, quickly grabbing him. “Not time for games, Carlos. Time to sleep.” 

Carlos nodded, not contesting this, but wriggled when Judd moved them closer to the bed, turning off the bathroom light as they went. He couldn’t sleep there and started frantically shaking his head and signing please. 

“What’s the matter?” Judd asked. “Are you scared?” 

Scared wasn’t the right word for it. Carlos didn’t want to intrude but he didn’t have the ability to say how he was feeling and he just whimpered. 

Judd sighed softly and nodded, pivoting from the bed and toward the door. Whatever was going on with Carlos, he could deal with while Grace slept. He bounced Carlos gently as they headed down the hallway, humming softly. 

“Do you want some milk?” 

Carlos shook his head and let out a sleepy sigh, resting his head on Judd. Now that he wasn’t being set down on the bed, he was far less fussy. 

“It’s too early to be awake,” Judd murmured. “And I don’t want you sleeping in that bed if you might fall out of it, munchkin. My job is to keep you safe.” 

“Is kay. I s’eep f’oor.” 

“No, you ain’t gonna sleep on for floor.”

“Is kay. I does alla time.” 

“You do?”

“Uh-huh. Alla night,” Carlos said, struggling to keep his eyes open. 

“Not anymore,” Judd said softly. 

He went to the living room and sat down in the recliner, keeping Carlos on top of him as he gently moved it so they were in a nice recline. One hand was on Carlos’s back, holding him in place, and the other started carding through his curls. It was hard for Carlos’s eyes to stay open with Judd lulling him to sleep with a soft hum and a gentle rock and, with another soft sigh, he finally let them close. 

The store was big and bright but wasn’t very crowded which put Carlos more at ease. He was walking next to Judd with Grace a couple of steps ahead and they were looking at cribs which made his tummy all twisty. They said they wanted to get one for the nursery anyway, but Carlos knew it was for him; just another thing he would have to pay back. He couldn’t help but be excited, though; he’d never had a crib before despite that appealing to his little self more than a bed ever had. Falling from beds when he was small was never fun and he was still sporting the bandaid from the fall that night, a reminder that a crib really was a necessity, despite Carlos thinking of it as a luxury. 

He stayed quiet while they walked and Judd and Grace talked, keeping one hand in his mouth while the other rested in Judd’s gently. They were discussing lasting durability and wood colors and more that Carlos wasn’t much paying attention to, busy being distracted by toys across the way. 

Carlos came back to the present when he was suddenly being picked up and then, before he could realize what was happening, Judd gently tossed him onto a very soft mattress. He blinked, unsure if he was supposed to be upset by being tossed or laugh because it was fun, so he settled for reaching with both hands for Judd to pick him up again. 

“Do you like this mattress?” Judd asked. “Is it too soft? Too firm?” 

He wasn’t picking Carlos back up and the little boy wiggled around testing the mattress and then reached back for Judd. They could’ve had him sleeping on a bed of rocks and he would be okay with it. 

“Let’s test another,” Judd said, picking him up only to gently toss him on a mattress a few feet away. 

Carlos giggled a little because it was fun and burrowed into the bedding. This one was even nicer than the other, plush without being unsupportive and, if left there long enough, Carlos would easily fall asleep. 

“You like this one?” 

Carlos nodded but reached for Judd anyway, happy enough when he was picked up. 

“Let’s leave Gracie to decide on the color of the crib and which model,” Judd said, having discussed this plan with his wife. “We can go look at more important things - toys!” 

Judd carried him across the store, setting him down on his feet and picking up his hand when they got to the toys, telling Carlos to go down any ones he wanted to. Carlos moved slowly, peering down each aisle intently, skipping over the Barbie dolls and small matchbox cars, his eyes lighting up when he came across the stuffed animals and nearly bulging out of his head when he saw a stacker on the other side of the aisle. 

He dropped Judd’s hand and plopped on the floor, looking at the stacker in its open face box. It was a basic stacker, made of colorful plastic and Carlos gently touched it with his fingertips, smiling a little bit and he looked up at Judd with wide, hopeful eyes. 

“Open?” 

“We gotta pay for it first,” Judd said. “Are there any other toys you see?” 

Carlos’s shy smile fell and he looked at the stacker again before pushing it back on the shelf. He didn’t have money for toys. He raised his arms, hoping Judd would pick him back up and wasn’t disappointed in that front, the man hoisting him up. 

“Let’s look,” Judd said gently, grabbing the stacker and handing it to Carlos. “You hold onto this and maybe we will find something else too.” 

The toy felt heavy in Carlos’s hand, plastic rings that were so precious they may have well been made of gold. He clutched tightly at it, his other hand in a fist, clinging to Judd’s shirt for stability. Across the store, he could just barely see Grace, her face pensive as she spoke with an employee and he felt guilt course through him, knowing that no matter what they said, they were buying the crib specifically for him.

“See anything?” Judd asked. 

There were a lot of things Carlos saw: the farm sorter, a shape sorter, plenty of stuffed animals. Despite this, Carlos was hesitant to point out anything, knowing he didn’t have the money for toys and he shouldn’t let them pay for frivolous things like toys. He needed help with necessities and that was it. Anything else he could go without until his debts were paid and he was back on his feet. 

“Carlos, I don’t want you to worry about money or anything,” Judd said softly, clearly reading his mind. “You need toys. Right now you have none so these are needs and not wants.” 

That didn’t make sense. Toys were not needs. He’d learned that growing up every time he was told no when asking for one at the store, which wasn’t every time, but he certainly never got every toy he wanted. And with him needing clothes and housing and food and cuddles, there would be nothing left for toys. He shook his head a little, pressing his face into Judd’s neck, wanting out of this conversation. 

“Come on, buddy,” Judd said. “It’s okay. How about you just pick out two more toys and I won’t make you pick out anymore if you don’t want.” 

The hesitancy was hard to push past but his head was a little fuzzy and his heart was filled with want. He looked around at all the toys before he reached for a farm sorting toy, letting his fingers tap at it before pulling his hand back and sticking his fingers in his mouth. He hoped Grace would be over soon and they could just go home. 

“This one looks so fun!” Judd said, taking it off the shelf. He gently set Carlos down, taking his free hand so they each could hold one of the toys easier. “Let’s find one more, okay?” 

Carlos looked around curiously. There were so many things he wanted to play with, though the stacker was his top favorite, and finally he picked up another sorting toy, this one a garden variety of fruits and vegetables and Judd nodded. Judd wasn’t sure there was anything he would’ve said no to at this point. 

While Judd and Grace got the new crib furniture in the house, Carlos was set up in the living room with his new toys. He played with the sorting ones first, quietly making sure all animals and foods were in the right spot and placed just so before he turned his attention to the rainbow colored plastic stacker and tried not to think about all the new things that had been purchased for him and he’d need to pay back. 

As he played, Carlos babbled softly to himself, occasionally biting at the rings he was holding. It had been so long since he had fun toys to play with! All that time spent in his motels he’d only had TV to keep him occupied. When Judd came walking back in after awhile, Carlos stopped babbling and watched him nervously, chewing on the smallest of all the rings as he tracked Judd’s every movement. Judd just smiled at him and pulled the sorting toys closer to him, his large fingers playing with the animals and foods. 

At first Carlos ignored what Judd was doing, but with every move the man made, it become harder for him to do because Judd was playing wrong. He would move a chicken in with the horses or a carrot in with the tomatoes and then Carlos would have to move them. This went on for a few minutes, Carlos increasingly trying to ignore it and keep stacking and he rocked himself in a way to calm himself down, but then Judd decided to move the potatoes into where the cows went and Carlos couldn’t take it. Potatoes couldn’t even be consumed by cows so they had to be kept far apart!  He moved quickly when Judd tried putting another potato in with them, slapping the man’s hand before pushing him away. 

“Carlos!” Judd said sharply. 

Instantly, Carlos’s eyes filled with tears and his chest with dread as he realized what he had done. He was a guest in their home, mooching off them and taking advantage of their kindness, and now he’d just hurt Judd, preventing him from playing with a toy that Carlos didn’t even own! He pushed himself up and ran quickly, his mind whirling as he had to decide where he was going to hide. He wasn’t allowed to open outside doors when he was small and Grace was still doing something in the nursery. The master was off limits except when invited. This left the bathroom and Carlos barreled inside, closing the door and locking it before wedging himself in the small space between toilet and wall. 

He heard Grace calling to Judd, asking what was wrong, and then a knock to the bathroom door, followed closely by the jiggle of the knob. A metallic taste filled his mouth as he bit down too hard on his hand. 

“Owie,” he whispered to himself, pulling his hand back and watching the little blood droplets pool to the surface. 

“He looked the door,” Judd said to Grace. 

“Carlos? Sweetie, can you unlock the door for us?” 

Carlos stayed still, eyeing the door uneasily. He wasn’t even sure how he had locked it. Instead of answer, he pulled in tighter to himself, rocking back and forth to calm himself again. 

They kept trying to coax him and he’d catch bits of their whispered conversation about trying to get in to him. Carlos wished they wouldn’t. He was going to be in so much trouble whenever they came in and he was hoping maybe he’d find a way out while they were sleeping so he could sneak out and run far away. Of course, whenever he had the money, he would send it to them to pay their debts, but they didn’t need to take care of him anymore.

“What happened?” Grace hissed. 

“I don’t know,” Judd said. “I was just messing around playing with his sorters with him and then he smacked my hands, pushed me, and ran and kicked himself in here.” 

Carlos rocked himself a little more. He had been such a bad boy. Nervously, he patted the pockets on his clothes, trying to find where he’d put his kitty, but his search came up empty. With another whimper, he pushed his already injured hand back in his mouth, trying to calm himself so he could sort out a plan. What was he going to do when he went back out there and they told him he had to leave? 

“Judd, go get your toolkit, we can take off the doorknob,” Grace said. 

Carlos whimpered at that because he couldn’t let them tear apart their home. He pushed himself up unsteadily and toddled over to the door, jiggling the knob and becoming frustrated when it wouldn’t budge. 

“Carlos?” Judd called. “Buddy, can you turn the button on the door?” 

Shaking his head, Carlos did the sign for no, completely lost on him that Judd couldn’t see him on the other side of the door. He jiggled the handle again and gave up, plopping back down on his bottom and crinkling his nose when he did. The wet diaper he was wearing was uncomfortable and he shimmied out of his pants, then the diaper, shoving the protection into the toilet and flushing before stepping into the tub and pulling at the tap to get the water going. 

“Carlos! Baby? What are you doing?” Grace called. “If you want a bath, you need to wait for me or Judd! We will be in there soon, can you turn the water off for now?” 

“Keen up,” Carlos whispered, playing with the faucet to get the water to stop being so cold, only to cry out when he over corrected and hot water poured over his feet. 

Before Carlos knew what was happening, Judd was barreling through the bathroom door, having kicked it open. With the door locked and the water running in the room with the baby little, Judd wasn’t going to chance anything. Doors could be fixed much more easily. 

He turned his wide eyes onto Judd and the slight wreckage of the door and backed up when Judd came closer, terrified out of his mind. He had pushed Judd, slapped him away, used his water, and broken the door! At once his face crumpled all over again and his entire chest felt so tight as he panicked. Where was he going to go? What was he going to do? Would they let him have a bandaid for his bleeding hand? Or let him grab his kitty before he left? 

“Oh, munchkin,” Judd said softly. 

Carlos stood in the tub, as far back as he could go with wet, wide eyes; the hot water from the tub still spilling, mostly falling down the drain, but some splatters still reached out to his toes. A trickle of urine spilled down his legs as he frantically signed sorry over and over again, needing Judd (and Grace) to know even if they could never forgive him.