Archive of Our Own ^beta

Pomni had been very quiet since the circus members had gotten home from the day’s adventure.

Ragatha wasn’t too concerned, at least at first. She felt she knew her girlfriend pretty well by this point, and she understood that Pomni was more reserved than Ragatha herself tended to be and that sometimes she just didn’t feel much like talking, if she was stressed or exhausted or otherwise overwhelmed. And after today’s adventure, Ragatha figured the reason was a combination of all of the above. Caine had cooked up something pretty... absurd for them that day, not that it wasn’t par for the course. Only their over-imaginative ringmaster would come up with a way to incorporate stunts like riding a unicycle across a tightrope while dodging massive swinging logs into a game of miniature golf. Ragatha wondered if the ringmaster would ever run out of ideas at this point, inventive and bizarre as most of them ended up.

Needless to say, it wasn’t all that surprising to Ragatha when Pomni picked listlessly at her food and kept to herself at dinner, not participating much in any conversation. She’d had an especially rough time making it through the mini golf challenge, having gotten knocked off of her unicycle multiple times by the swinging logs and accidentally landing in shark-infested waters at one point—fortunately Kinger had grabbed her before any damage had been done, but the poor jester had been in a state of shock after that event, prompting Ragatha to question why Caine would make such a simple family-friendly game into a veritable death trap. She knew Pomni must’ve been sore, tired, and mortified after that, but when she tried to ask, Pomni just insisted in a weary-sounding voice that she was okay.

Ragatha wasn’t completely convinced, but she also knew what Pomni was like. If she really wasn’t in the mood to talk about something, it wasn’t easy to get her to open up—not out of a lack of trust, but a need to try and process for herself before baring her soul to anyone. It didn’t help that she was so stubbornly self-reliant sometimes, resisting help and bottling up anything she feared might be an inconvenience to others. She was starting to get a little better about that, a little better at reaching out when she needed it and not feeling like she was burdening anyone or sacrificing her own independence, but Ragatha knew it would be some time before Pomni overcame it entirely. So until they reached that point, Ragatha had learned that it was better to be patient rather than overly persistent with her girlfriend, knowing that sooner or later she would be ready to talk but that pressing any issues too much before then would only make her lock up.

She was...a little like a cat that way, Ragatha realized. A little fickle and likely to either flee or show her fangs when provoked, but once she was warmed up, she would cautiously lower her guard and let herself approach who she trusted. Not to mention that cute purring thing she did sometimes when she was really relaxed and content, but that was beside the point…

Once dinner was done for the evening, Pomni excused herself right away, claiming she was exhausted and ready to go to sleep. Again, Ragatha had asked if she was alright, and again, Pomni said that she was, and insisted that Ragatha should go ahead and join everyone else for whatever evening activity they were planning to do. Ragatha knew better than to keep pushing for more at the moment, so she’d simply brushed a light kiss against Pomni’s forehead and wished her good night. Pomni had smiled feebly and said good night as well, before trudging back to her room.

A flicker of worry twinged in Ragatha’s chest then, but she tried to wave it off. Pomni knew how to take care of herself, she didn’t need to be fussed over when it seemed like she wanted to be alone. Ragatha decided she’d check on her later, after she’d hopefully gotten some rest.

In the end, Ragatha retired to her room early for the night, too. The others had settled in for a board game that she wasn’t really in the mood to play, and much as she felt she ought to stick around and act as mediator just in case any arguments broke out over bending game rules or the like (which always tended to happen when Jax was involved), she was far too enticed by the idea of a quiet evening curled up with a good book to make herself endure even an hour of cheating accusations and game pieces being hurled from every direction. So she bid her farewells and quietly retreated down the hall leading to their bedrooms.

As she made her way down the hall, though, she paused briefly in front of Pomni’s door. The jester’s sad, doe-eyed face stared blankly back at her, a fairly accurate depiction of her default expression. Ragatha hesitated, fidgeting with the sleeve of her dress, listening for any noise coming from the other side of the door but hearing nothing. She recalled Pomni’s first few nights in the circus, when Ragatha would pass by this very same door and overhear the heart-wrenching sounds of Pomni sobbing into her pillow...Ragatha had felt helpless, unsure of whether she should knock on the door and offer Pomni a shoulder to cry on or preserve the poor girl’s dignity by pretending not to have heard anything. She felt like she made things worse whenever she reached out, at least at first, but she couldn’t help the protective instinct she’d felt over the newbie, even after everything that had unfolded between them on Pomni’s disastrous first day. And maybe she’d been a little too forgiving of that little “accidentally abandoned her in pursuit of an exit that didn’t exist” episode...but Ragatha thought it’d be pretty hypocritical of her to hold a grudge for something she would have done, too, if she’d been in Pomni’s mismatched shoes.

Those first few weeks were extremely rough on Pomni, the same as they’d been for everyone else who had wound up trapped in this crazy digital world with no real recollection of how, but she’d gradually adjusted as much as one could be expected to adapt to such an odd circumstance. She’d grown closer to the other circus members, she’d made friends with all of them...and even more than that, in Ragatha’s case, once they’d both admitted to themselves that the feelings they had toward each other weren’t exactly platonic in nature. And it was wonderful, to have a girlfriend as empathetic and thoughtful as Pomni, who made Ragatha feel like she could actually be vulnerable and vent out her true feelings to someone who cared and who wouldn’t judge her for not being all sunshine-and-kittens every second of the day. And she knew Pomni felt the same, having someone she could turn to when she was having a bad day and learning that being self-reliant didn’t mean never asking for help, especially once Ragatha had stopped coddling her by default and started listening to what she really needed to feel better. 

…Maybe she should check on Pomni after all…

Ragatha quickly shook off the idea, giving Pomni’s door one last lingering glance before finally proceeding down the hallway toward her own room. She’d made the mistake of making Pomni feel babied one too many times, and although it was only ever out of concern, Ragatha could understand how that could grate on someone’s nerves. Besides, she was probably asleep already, and Ragatha would’ve felt guilty if she woke her up for no good reason. She more than likely was just fine…at least, Ragatha hoped.

Still, she couldn’t entirely shake off her worry as she let herself into her own cozy room, but she did her best to ignore the nagging feeling as she settled in for the night. She lit her favorite lavender-vanilla candle and sank into her plush patchwork-patterned sofa, breathing in the sweet, relaxing scent that enveloped her as she cracked open her book. Soon enough, the story swept her away, until she’d almost forgotten what she’d been so concerned about.

Almost.

…

…..Ragatha had lost track of how much time had slipped by when she heard a faint knock on her door, startling her back to reality. Funny how a good book could so easily transport her to a different world, a world where she wasn’t trapped for all eternity in some strange digital purgatory that had robbed her of so much…wait, where had that thought crept in from? She tried to shove it back to the darkest corner of her mind where it belonged as she marked her place with a bookmark and rose from her seat, crossing the room to her door.

That’s probably Gangle…this is around the time she usually comes by to have her comedy mask mended. I wonder if I have enough glue, not that Caine can’t just conjure up some more with a snap of his fingers. I wish he’d just make her a sturdier mask though, poor girl shouldn’t be stuck fixing it every night…

Ragatha swung her door open a crack, fully expecting to find the bundle of ribbons on the other side, cradling her shattered mask in her hands…but was greeted instead by a certain little jester, her shoulders hunched and her arms wrapped around herself, making her look even smaller than she was already.

“...Oh! I didn’t think I’d see you tonight, Pomni…I thought you were already in bed.” 

It didn’t take longer than two seconds for Ragatha to sense something was wrong. Pomni kept rubbing her hands up and down her arms, a self-soothing gesture that Ragatha recognized as something she herself was prone to doing, and she was rocking anxiously on her heels. She met Ragatha’s gaze, her pinwheel pupils dull and eyes lacking their usual shine. Even the tips of her hat seemed like they were drooping, the bells tinkling mournfully as she shifted positions and tried to stand up a little straighter. Not to mention the fact that it was very unlike Pomni to show up unannounced like this in the middle of the night, unless there was a good reason. Ragatha wondered briefly if she’d had another one of her nightmares, and hoped for Pomni’s sake that it wasn’t that terrible abstraction one again…

“I…I couldn’t fall asleep.” Pomni’s voice sounded fragile somehow, and strained, like it was taking a lot of effort to force her own words out. “I couldn’t get comfortable, my whole body is sore from today’s adventure…and my brain just won’t shut up…and I just, I really don’t want to be alone right now.” She inhaled a shaky breath, exhaling in a wobbly sigh. “I thought I’d take a chance and see if you were in your room…is it, I mean, do you mind if I spend the night here?”

“Of course…you never have to ask, Pomni. This room is pretty much yours as much as it is mine at this point, you’re always welcome.” Ragatha opened the door wider and gestured for Pomni to come in, a knot tightening in her chest as Pomni cast her gaze to the floor and shuffled inside. 

“Mh…it always smells so nice in here. It’s like your signature scent…” Pomni swept her gaze slowly around the room, still hugging herself tightly. Her gaze landed on the book and the half-finished cup of tea on Ragatha’s table. “I really hope I’m not intruding if you were trying to unwind for the night, I’m sorry…”

“No, no, I promise you weren’t. I was just reading for a bit, nothing too exciting.” Ragatha clasped her hands in front of her, tipping her head slightly to the side as she regarded Pomni with concern. “Do you want to talk, hon? You really seem upset right now.”

“I just...it’s been a bad day, I don’t really feel well...I don’t even know why I’m so upset, it feels so stupid.” Pomni rubbed at her eyes then, drawing in another trembling breath. “I...I sort of do want to talk about it, though…”

“Pomni, If you’re this upset about it, there’s no way it’s anything stupid,” Ragatha replied gently, the space where her heart would be aching with sympathy. She lowered herself onto the sofa, beckoning for Pomni to join her. “Here, please get comfortable, hon...is there anything I can get you? Tea or something to eat? You barely ate dinner tonight.”

“I really wasn’t hungry...I mean, I’m never hungry now, I guess.” Pomni sank down onto the sofa next to Ragatha, moving a little stiffly. “But I didn’t have an appetite, nothing tasted right, I thought I’d feel better if I just laid down and tried to sleep but...that did nothing.”

It was as Pomni was rambling and wringing her hands that Ragatha gave her a solid once-over, noticing for the first time the purplish-blue bruises marking her milk-white flesh, splotched along her arms and legs. How had Ragatha not noticed sooner…? She knew Pomni had gotten pretty banged up today, but now in the soft light of her room, observing just how much of a beating the jester had taken, made that knot in her chest twist ever so slightly tighter.

“Well, is there anything I can get you for those bruises though…?” Ragatha gingerly traced a finger over a particularly nasty-looking bruise above Pomni’s elbow, but quickly dropped her hand when she noticed Pomni tense up. “They look like they must hurt an awful lot, no wonder you’re so sore…”

“Y-yeah…” Pomni croaked hoarsely, sniffling, and Ragatha realized then that her eyes were suddenly bright with unshed tears.

And that just about shattered the doll’s heart.

“Oh, Pomni…” 

Ragatha spoke gently, frowning apprehensively. She held her arms open, a silent invitation to a hug, unsure whether or not Pomni would accept it. When Pomni’s anxiety spiked particularly high, she usually shrank away entirely from touch, even her own girlfriend’s embrace. And Ragatha respected that, though sometimes it was hard when her natural instinct compelled her to bundle Pomni up in her arms and cradle her close the way she would have wanted to be consoled. 

So it was almost a little startling when Pomni practically threw herself into Ragatha’s waiting arms as she dissolved into tears, clinging tightly to the doll’s periwinkle dress as sobs wracked her body. But Ragatha recovered quickly, wrapping her arms around Pomni and drawing her in closer, letting the jester bury her face against her shoulder.

“There, there,” Ragatha murmured softly, slowly stroking Pomni’s back in a calming gesture. “You’re okay. I’m here…”

Pomni tried to speak, but only hiccuped instead, her throat clogged with tears. Her shoulders hitched and her chest heaved with choppy breaths as she gasped desperately between sobs. She clutched so fiercely to Ragatha’s dress that it seemed like she never intended to let go.

“It’s okay, just let it out, hon,” Ragatha advised gently, still lightly rubbing Pomni’s back. “Get it all out...remember to breathe, in and out…”

Pomni inhaled raggedly, sputtering on her own breath, before coughing and trying again. After a minute her breathing managed to even out a little, even as tears kept streaming down her cheeks. She loosened her grip on Ragatha’s dress ever so slightly, sagging tiredly against her as she sniffled weakly.

“That’s it, you’re doing good,” Ragatha praised soothingly. “Just keep breathing, sweetheart. You’ll be okay.”

Pomni didn’t respond immediately, just sniffed again and burrowed her face deeper into Ragatha’s shoulder. Ragatha knew there’d be a damp, salty patch on her dress afterward, but she honestly didn’t care. She was more concerned with whatever had reduced Pomni to such heartbroken tears that she hadn’t even been able to speak at first. Guilt ate away at her stomach, thinking how she really should have checked on Pomni sooner after all. 

“There...is that a little better, now?” Ragatha asked, her voice hushed, massaging gentle circles against Pomni’s back.

“N-no…” Pomni rasped, taking another wavering breath and exhaling in a long sigh, as she reached up to swipe at her eyes. “Mh...my head hurts now, ugh...I-I don’t know what even got into me, it’s j-just…”

“Another deep breath, Pomni. Then try again.”

Pomni nodded faintly, and after one more deep breath, she tried again, her voice a little steadier this time.

“I just...I can’t take it, sometimes,” she said quietly, finally leaning out of the embrace so she could meet Ragatha’s gaze. “The adventures, every single day... each day just as bad as the last, if not worse. I can’t even count how many different ways I’ve been hurt or traumatized by this point, and it never ends. Today wasn’t even that horrible compared to some of the other things we’ve had to do, and yet it just...it was too much. Getting knocked off a tightrope by massive logs like we’re on some kind of insane stunts show ramped up to a hundred, all while trying to nudge a stupid ball into a stupid hole. Caine just goes over-the-top constantly, like he’s trying to torment us. I don’t think he necessarily sees it that way, I get that he doesn’t exactly understand that we have limits because we’re actually human, but that doesn’t make it any easier to bear.”

“I know...believe me, I know,” Ragatha sighed. “We’ve all felt that, we all still feel it. And a few times a couple of us have tried to explain it to him, that it’s a little too much at times and if he could just dial it back a little, but he...has a hard time listening, which I’m sure you’re well aware of. And then he starts spiraling thinking that he’s not good at doing the one thing he’s supposed to be good at and, well, you almost can’t help feeling bad for the guy.”

“But he isn’t human, he’ll never understand what it’s like or what kind of pain we suffer through here,” Pomni protested. “It’s hard to feel bad for someone like that who isn’t even capable of understanding why it hurts us or puts our sanity on the line. He’ll never get it. And yet we’re forced to endure it day after day after day...god, see, I’m even quoting the theme song now because it’s ingrained in me after so long here. There’s just...no... end. No ending to any of it…”

“I know it’s hard, Pomni…and I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t help that Caine is so, well, insistent on getting us to participate,” Ragatha replied. “All we can really do is just take it one day at a time. We’re in it for the long haul, to say the least, and at least by the end of each adventure we get to come back to the tent and have our time to ourselves. We just have to cling to that. And some of the adventures are fun, when we aren’t getting maimed or anything. Hey, we should suggest Caine install a suggestions box and we give him feedback on the adventures, maybe then he’ll actually take our suggestions.”

Pomni actually snorted a little at the proposal, and Ragatha felt momentarily gratified to draw even a short laugh out of her precious girlfriend. “I feel like that could backfire somehow…Jax would probably cheat the system by stuffing the box with suggestions to make the adventures even more chaotic and violent. He’s the only one disappointed when they aren’t, you know, horrible bloodbaths or something.”

Ragatha chuckled. “Well, you’ve got a point there.”

Pomni cracked a little smile then, but it faded as her shoulders slumped. “Anyway…even if we did that, nothing would change. We’d still be stuck here for eternity, going on random adventures just to distract ourselves from our fates. It’s… exhausting, trying to keep yourself from the brink of insanity every day, trying not to think about the life you left behind. Sometimes I feel like there are only a few things even keeping me tethered to my sanity here, a handful of good things that keep me going…like you. You mean everything to me here. But sometimes it’s…still hard, to keep grounded. Do you…do you ever think that way? That even with the good you have here to hold on to, you’re still afraid of slipping away?”

Ragatha fell silent for a moment, contemplating her response…because Pomni deserved an honest response, but well, that sure was a doozy of a question that she spent most of her time trying not to think about. But at last, she found her words.

“Oh, Pomni…yes, I do.” She shook her head slightly to herself. “I do have those feelings, more often than you could ever imagine. I just try very, very hard to bury them. Some days it’s…a lot harder to ignore them than others. Because even with the good at hand, it’s hard to pretend the bad doesn’t exist. That we’re all just spending every day distracting ourselves, doing everything in our power not to lose ourselves entirely. I’ve been here an awfully long time, I’ve watched others come and go, I’ve seen the horrific and excruciating process of abstraction up-close more times than I think would be healthy for anyone. You never really stop wondering who will be next…whether it’ll be a close friend, or yourself. Because at a certain point it just starts to seem inevitable.”

She paused, gently taking Pomni’s hands in her own and squeezing them lightly. “But I try my best to keep going, because as much as I’m terrified of the idea of losing it completely…what hurts me more is thinking of what I’m leaving behind, who else might be hurt if I ever just disappeared. I think about that often enough as it is with the people from my old life, the people I can never see again. I don’t want to lose more people here, I don’t want them to be in any pain because of me. I don’t want to say goodbye…to Kinger, to Gangle, to anyone. And…especially not to you. And maybe one day that won’t be enough to keep us here, either of us. But I know neither of us will give up so easily, either.” 

“I...I know we won’t. I don’t want to leave you anytime soon, either.” Pomni squeezed Ragatha’s hands back, stroking her thumb against Ragatha’s knuckle. The look in her eyes still seemed far away. “I’ll keep trying, for you, and for our friends. But sometimes I just...I can’t help wishing that…”

Ragatha tilted her head to the side questioningly as Pomni’s voice trailed off. “What…?”

“Wish that...that we’d met in our old lives, instead,” Pomni finally confided, her husky voice barely above a whisper. “Or that, if we ever did get out of here, that we’d still be together...that we’d find each other the way we were meant to be. I want to spend forever with you, Ragatha...but I wish forever didn’t have to be here. Do you...do you understand what I mean?”

“I do. And I feel that way too, sometimes. I like to think we were fated to find each other...but I also wish it had been different. That I knew your real face, what you were really like outside of this place. I wish you could see the real me too, even though I couldn’t even describe myself to you now…” Ragatha blinked against her own tears then, determined not to cry, not when her girlfriend needed her to be solid. “But it doesn’t make what we have here anything less than it is, and we have to embrace that. We have to make the most of everything we can here, when we don’t know how long it might last. For now, it has to be enough.”

“I know...and I’ll try to cling to that. I don’t want to waste any time that I could’ve spent just being with you. I don’t...I don’t want to lose any of it, any time soon.” Pomni dragged a gloved hand across her eyes, wiping away more tears that had gathered there. She gave a single, small laugh. “I’m sorry...I don’t even know why I’m crying now. But...thank you. Thank you for being there, I needed it more tonight than I thought.”

“Of course, Pomni. I’m always going to be here for you, as long as I’m still around.” Ragatha brushed Pomni’s hair back from her tear-streaked face, smiling affectionately. “I’m just glad you know you can count on me, on all of us. You’ve come a long way since you first got here, hiding out in your room and feeling like we wouldn’t care about you, or miss you if you were gone. You’ve been through a lot, but you’re still here, you’re still you. And you are so much stronger than you think. Just remember that, even on the hard days.”

“I don’t always feel like I am...but I’ll try to be. I want to be.” Pomni’s voice softened as she added quietly, “Especially for you.”

“I know you will, sweetheart. And I’ll try for you, too.” Ragatha pressed a gentle kiss to Pomni’s forehead, and the jester nearly melted at her tender touch. “Feeling a little better?”

“Yeah, a little...thank you.” Pomni hesitated, then asked, “But I was wondering...can we stay here tomorrow? Just, skip the adventure for a day? I think I just need a day off from the wackiness and the adrenaline, if it’s okay with you, too.”

“That sounds like a perfect plan to me. I wouldn’t mind a day in after today, either.” Ragatha trailed her fingertips along Pomni’s bruised flesh, her touch so feathery she didn’t know if Pomni even felt it, and this time Pomni didn’t flinch away. “Let’s focus on taking care of you right now, though. Are you sure there’s nothing I can get you?”

“Yeah...I mean, I’m sore, but there’s not much you can do about bruises but just let them heal. I’ll be fine in a day or so once my code resets itself, anyway.”

“That’s fair. How about some hot cocoa instead, then? I’m pretty sure chocolate is a cure-all for most ailments, anyway.”

Pomni smiled appreciatively. “I think that must have been scientifically proven, somewhere. With marshmallows, right? For medicinal purposes, of course.”

“Oh, naturally! I’m pretty sure it’s illegal not to have marshmallows in cocoa. At least it should be, right?”

Pomni giggled, and Ragatha marveled, not for the first time, at what a beautiful sound her genuine laughter made.

The rest of their evening was cozy and peaceful. They drank their cocoa before returning to cuddling on the couch, with Pomni curled up against Ragatha’s side and Ragatha gently caressing the top of Pomni’s head. Soon enough Pomni drifted off to sleep, purring softly, worn out from crying and lulled by the warm drink and Ragatha’s comforting touch. Ragatha smiled fondly to herself as she brushed one last kiss against Pomni’s forehead, then rested her cheek atop her girlfriend’s head. 

She liked it when Pomni let her take care of her. Ragatha hadn’t been lying when she’d said that Pomni had really taken major strides in opening up to others here and allowing herself to be cared for. It had taken her so long to warm up to her new life, to let herself believe that she was loved by those around her here who were in the same situation. Even then, it wasn’t all that often that Pomni let herself reach out for help first, and it touched Ragatha more than she could ever express that she was the one Pomni trusted the most. And she had pledged to herself that, as much as she could possibly control, she would ensure that Pomni would always have someone to confide in, to dry her tears, to erase some of the pain and uncertainty that came with never knowing what would happen next. Pomni deserved the world, as far as Ragatha was concerned, and she was intent on giving as much of it as she could to her.

If only forever really did mean “forever” here. If only what they had here didn’t come with an expiration date, whenever that might be. But until that time inevitably arrived, she would make good on her promise and make the absolute most of every precious second they had together.