Chapter Text
You had a pleasant dream that night. The exact details flitted from your memory soon after you woke but you remembered just feeling safe and warm, like you were in a cocoon. You tried not to think much about that when you woke up with Loki’s arms wrapped around you. You wouldn’t admit it out loud but you were starting to get used to it and maybe even liked it.
Loki had turned over some time in the night and was curved around you. You knew the moment Loki woke up because you heard the subtle shift in his breathing. It was still measured but the small hitch when he woke up tipped you off that he was awake same as you pretending to still be asleep.
How long could you keep this up? This play at normalcy. Just lay together pretending that neither of you knew the other was awake.
Not long as it turned out.
“I can tell you’re awake.” Loki whispered and a smile tugged at your lips.
“And before you said anything I knew you were too. So, are you going to let go so I can get up and get to work?”
“Although you’ve proven quite comfortable, I suppose I should.” He let go of you and you mourned the feel of it before getting up yourself.
Loki went about making the bed while you went to the kitchen to start some breakfast. You looked through the cupboards and cursed how little food you had. You really needed to go shopping soon. Normally you’d be fine until tomorrow or later but with Loki around what could last you a week was doubtful to last half that. Good thing you were doing deliveries today and could collect payment.
After breakfast you collected the bag of mended and laundered clothes you had and set off to make your deliveries. Loki said he was going to stay at the house since he had put a bunch of people ill at ease after trying to find a job yesterday. You didn’t blame him.
You went to the first house and knocked on the door. The man that answered, his expression dropped when he saw it was you. You tried not to look into that and pulled out the bundle of clothes marked for him.
“Your laundry this week.” you held it out, “That’ll be ten copper.”
The man nodded gruffly and turned to grab your money, depositing it in your open hand. He grabbed the bundle and closed the door in your face without a single word said. Alright, that was strange. You knew that man. He wasn’t the most talkative but he at least said thank you or something when you made your deliveries.
Maybe he was having a bad morning? Yes. That had to be it.
You went to the next house feeling a little more optimistic. This lady was always very kind to you. Along with your payment you could always expect a jar of jam or a fresh baked loaf of bread. You could really use some free food right now.
You knocked on the door and just like the last house you saw her expression falter. She at least kept up the pretense of a smile. “Morning,” she said. “Ten copper, yes?”
“Yes, ma’am.” you fished out her bundle from the bag. “It smells incredible in here as always. Doing some early baking?”
“Yes.” she gave you the money you were owed. “Thank you. Farewell.”
She took the bundle and closed the door before you could say anything else.
Damn. You were really hoping she’d give you a loaf. It smelled so good too. You cursed your luck and went through the rest of your deliveries. Each of them followed about the same exchange to varying degrees of politeness. You knew that you were not the most sociable person in the world but it bothered you how cold everyone was behaving.
You should have known better than to think that word wouldn’t have spread about who exactly had saved Loki from death. You had been prepared when you went to do your washing because gossip was all that was discussed at the fountain. There had been a faint hope that your customers would have learned about it at a slower rate. When you picked up laundry orders at the end of the week it was only going to be more awkward, wasn’t it?
At least you had money now. You stopped by the market for some essentials that would hold you over until you could spend some proper time getting groceries.
Upon returning home you dropped your empty bag by the door and were about to take the eggs and bread you bought to the kitchen when you saw that you were not alone. You had been expecting Loki but you were not expecting the person with him. There was a shorter man standing in your house with a waxed mustaches and wearing finery that you recognized as being of a palace official.
Both men turned to look at you as you entered. “Hello,” you held your groceries close to your chest, “What is going on?”
“Nothing.” Loki said, leveling the official with a lethal glare. “This pompous ass was just leaving.”
The official cleared their throat. “I have told you, I cannot leave until I have proof.”
“Proof of what?” you asked.
“Nothing!” Loki snapped.
The official ignored him and turned to you, a smug look on his face. “Consummation, miss.”
Your eyes went wide. “Consummation…oh by the gods. Really? What does it matter if we have consummated our marriage or not?”
“It matters because if you have not consummated it means that your marriage is not binding.”
You handed the groceries to Loki stepping toe to toe with the palace official. You had dealt with this before and you were not going to let yourself feel as helpless as the last time some official came looking at your marital bed. “That is rather outdated thinking.” you said, summoning some leftover grace from your days as a noblewoman, “There are plenty of people who do not partake in sex but they still get married and those marriages are not seen as less binding. This practice of confirming the marital bed has been slowly phasing out of common practice for years.”
“While that may be, we know that your situation is not like any of those cases.” the official said. “According to our records we know that you were previously married and were then divorced on the grounds of being incapable of producing an heir. So you have had sex before, ergo, having sex again should not be a problem. Should it?”
Fuck!
Loki moved back to your side, standing behind you like a terrifying shadow.
“May I ask why the palace is so concerned over the status of our marital bed?” you had your hands balled into fists behind your back, struggling to keep a cool head.
“Simply put, miss, if you do not consummate then that would mean your marriage is not valid and binding and the law of absolution would not apply.”
Meaning they would be able to take Loki away and execute him.
“Not to worry though, miss. The magic binding you two together will be removed beforehand so you need not fear that.” The official said. It was the way they said “will” that made you angry. As if it was already settled that Loki would be sent to execution again.
“Is the king so desperate for blood to spill that he would force us into relations after knowing each other for three days?” you felt Loki’s hand on your shoulder. You weren’t sure if he was trying to calm you down or prepare to hold you back from launching yourself at this arrogant ass.
“I am simply here to make sure the law is upheld.”
There was no way they were going to be moved from this. Not when they thought they had found a successful loophole to take Loki away again. After what you had learned you were not letting Odin or anyone else near him again.
“And what proof would we need to provide? Do you need an official statement from us or something?”
“The palace needs more concrete proof than your word. In any usual case we would ask for the sheets but considering you are not a virgin we must insist on the other option.”
You rolled your eyes. The “proof” of virginal blood on marital sheets was ridiculous. Not every woman that had sex for the first time bled. Ever since girls started faking bloodied sheets it was an inaccurate way to confirm consummation anyway.
“So what is the other option?”
“Visual confirmation.”
Your face alighted. “Visual?” you squeaked. “You mean some voyeuristic palace official is going to stand in our bedroom and watch us consummate? Is that what you are telling me?”
“It is what would be easiest.” the official nodded. “You have till the end of the week to consummate. If you do not, the palace will recollect the prisoner.”
With that they left.
You turned to Loki, the panic you had been keeping hidden rising to the surface again. “They cannot seriously kill you because of this, can they?”
Loki shook his head. “Odin wants me dead. It seems he’s trying to find a loophole to get that done. This consummation nonsense is only the start.”
“So what are we going to do?”
“Well, we have two options it seems. Either we actually consummate or we pretend to consummate.” he said, “Whichever you would prefer.”
You suddenly found it hard to look him in the eye. “I think pretending is best if we can get away with it.”
“We will. My magic is limited but thankfully illusions are not hard and I’ve been specializing in them my entire life so creating doubles to perform the deed instead of us should be no problem at all.”
“Oh thank goodness.” you breathed out. Your body was still buzzing with energy though and you decided to channel it into making some dinner. “And you are sure you can make these illusions convincing enough to trick the official?”
“Yes. I assure you I can make them very convincing.” he leaned against the wall, “That being said though, to make such an illusion I need to know what you look like.”
You cocked your head at him. “What? The past couple of days hasn’t given you a good enough idea on what I look like?”
“From what I can see, yes. But considering the purpose of the illusion I may need to know what all of you looks like.”
“All of me? What do--” your tongue stilled mid sentence, “Oh. I see.”
“It is still intrusive, I know. But it is the least demeaning out of our options.” he looked away, his jaw clenched.
“But um, wouldn’t we be under the blankets or at least partially dressed?”
“Unfortunately, the official may not grant us such modesty, just to make sure we are not faking it. They may demand to see actual…penetration.”
“Stars above…” you muttered, hand tightening around the loaf of bread you held. “Shit.”
“If it is too much I can work around it.”
“No.” you said, perhaps a touch too quickly. “I mean, it’s fine. It is just nudity. I will be fine.”
“Will you be ‘fine’?” Loki’s gaze was intense, as if he was trying to intimidate you into changing your mind. “I won’t force you. I shouldn’t have brought it up in the first place.”
“Loki, really,” you set the mangled bread down. “Our arms are already being twisted. Besides, what is there for us to be shy about? There are no blushing virgins in this room.”
“Right you are.” his gaze scanned you up and down. “We can do all that another day though. Let us take the rest of the evening to unwind.”
“Good idea. You can come help me with dinner then. Think you can try to uncrush the bread I just bought?’
“That I can do.” he joined you by your side. Using a bit of magic he brought the bread back to what it looked like before. Having a magical husband was very convenient, for multiple reasons.
“How were your deliveries?” Loki asked, trying to steer the conversation back to more mundane subjects.
“They went well. Although, some of my customers were acting rather coldly towards me throughout the afternoon.” you sighed, “I imagine this marriage will take a long time for people to get used to. I knew that it would be, but I suppose I had hoped that more people would be open minded about it or at least better at faking their disdain.”
Loki looked at you, really looked at you, his mouth opening to find some words to say but nothing coming out. He turned back to the vegetables he was chopping.
“It will pass, I am sure.” you said. Whether you were saying it to try and assure yourself or Loki was not clear.
You knew you did the right thing. You knew that. But there was some selfish part of your being that chided you for running to him that day. That heartless voice telling you that you could have gone on with your normal life, free of other people’s judgement if you had just hardened yourself. If you had just not gone to the execution none of this would be happening.
You didn’t even blame Loki for it. He didn’t ask you to save him. You had done this all on your own because you couldn’t stand seeing others in pain. Loki had done nothing but try to make things comfortable for you since you brought him home.
You didn’t want these thoughts. That wasn’t who you were. Yet the thoughts remained. A whirlpool of bitterness and disgust swirled inside you. A constant batting back and forth between affirming your feelings and convincing yourself that just because you thought them didn’t mean they meant anything. You were still a good person. You did the right thing. You didn’t have any regrets.
You couldn’t start regretting your decision before even a week went by.
But your life would be easier if you hadn’t.
Life will get easier again, it will pass soon.
A stranger’s grief isn’t your problem.
But you would have felt worse if you knew there was something you could have done and you didn’t do it.
Loki’s life is shit now because he married you.
He was about to be executed, he would have had no life if not for you.
Maybe he would have preferred being dead than being saddled with you in this shitty shack without enough food to eat. It’ll be a miracle if you both survive the winter.
This place isn’t that bad and if Loki can get some work then you would be fine. Besides, he’s a Frost Giant, isn’t it impossible for him to be able to freeze?
He’s already in so much pain. Perhaps death would have been a mercy, at least then he would not have to live with the knowledge of what had happened to him.
If we allow our worst moments to dictate our lives we are worse than dead. At least if we can accept that they happened and move on then we can try to enjoy a happy life.
“Are you alright?” Loki asked, drawing you out of your thoughts.
“I’m sorry, I was lost in my own mind.” you cleared your throat, willing the tumultuous thoughts away. “Did you say something?”
“You went still. I thought perhaps something was wrong. Are you still thinking about the consummation nonsense or the rude people during your deliveries?” he dropped the vegetables he had been chopping in the pot.
“No, I was just…” you sighed, “How is it you are like this?”
His brow furrowed, “What do you mean?”
“I mean with everything that has happened you just take it all in stride. You barely even know me and yet you treat me so kindly and I suppose I expected you be more bitter, reserved, even angry. Is it all just an act to make sure that I am not frightened or are you truly this amenable?”
Loki’s expression cracked and for a moment you saw what it was he was holding back. There was anger there, a hot burning anger that made you remember this man was a warrior and a god. He closed his eyes, taking in a deep breath through the nose and letting it slowly.
“Given what you have confided in me since we met, would you prefer that I raged and bemoaned my circumstances? I said before I had time to come to terms with my lot in life, it does not mean that I am not resentful of it. But I will not make my rage your problem, you have done nothing to warrant it. If we are to survive we must trust one another. I decided to trust you the moment you stood in front of Odin and defied his verdict, not for glory or for riches, but out of kindness.
“And I do not blame you if you may resent me for what this marriage has done to your life. I would be surprised to hear that you are not also angry at the world for everything that has happened to you. But anger will get us nowhere.”
Loki leaned against the counter, years of hardship weighing down on him all at once. “Anger is tiring and I have been angry for years. I refuse to add more fuel to my pyre by finding fault in you too. Do I wish the house was bigger? Yes. Do I wish we had more food? Yes. But those are not your fault. And I imagine they are grievances you have too.”
“I don’t think I’ve had a meal that has made me full in years.” you admitted.
“Our anger is not wrong, just like our grief. If we can grieve then we can also rage and complain.” Loki took your hand. “Now, do you want to tell me how you really feel?”
You squeezed his hand back. “I am pissed. I hate that we are being forced into this consummation nonsense. I hate that my customers now all seem to hate me because I married you. I hate that I work like a dog for such little money.” Your body was vibrating with rage, your voice raising louder and louder until you were practically yelling. “I hate my ex-husband. I hate my parents. I hate Odin. And I hate everything about this stupid society that has forced me into this tiny house with no fucking food!”
“There she is. I knew there was something you’ve been holding back.” Loki said, a smile on his face. “Feel better?”
You straightened up and smoothed out your appearance. “Yeah, actually. I feel a lot better.”
“Good.” he stepped closer, “Do not lie to me again. When I ask you how you are feeling, I expect honesty.”
“Only if you promise the same.”
“Deal. Now, can we get back to making our meager dinner and go to sleep in our tiny bed?”
You snorted, a smile growing on your own face. “Yeah. Let’s do that. If you don’t mind, I’m going to keep complaining about how unfair it is that we are being forced to consummate our marriage in front of someone just to keep you from being killed.”
“The floor is yours, dear wife. Hold nothing back.”