Chapter Text
The sky was filled with hovering clouds that threatened to rain on Tahani as she walked through the streets of her neighbourhood. So much for the snow Jason had been so sure would come. Really, Tahani should have known better than to rely on Jason and his blind optimism for weather predictions. But it was nearly Christmas, and Christmas meant snow.
Truthfully, Tahani didn’t care for Christmas. But she cared about Jason, and didn’t like to disappoint him when he was excited about something. So there she was, four days before the hellChristmas was bound to bring, traipsing off to a bar in a hideous Christmas sweater that Jason had bought her a month or so prior. It featured a snowman orgy and was absolutely atrocious.
The Bad Place bar felt pleasantly warm when she walked through the door, taking her scarf off. Usually, it was too hot for her liking, but her fingers were frozen stiff around the fast food tray she was carrying, and she welcomed the heat, at least for now.
She headed for the back of the bar, where Jason was focussing hard on his phone. Some Jaguars match, Tahani guessed. She tapped him on the shoulder, and he turned around, a delighted smile on his face.
“Jalapeño poppers, as promised,” Tahani said, placing the greasy cardboard tray on the bar. She slotted herself onto the stool beside Jason and took off her coat. “I shudder to think what chemicals you are choosing to put in your body, but I suppose there isn’t any point in trying to persuade you to have something else.”
“You’re the best,” Jason said, completely ignoring her concerns. He paused to eat a handful of jalepeño poppers. “Your evil bitch mom called while you were gone.” There was never any preamble with her friend. Tact was a word that hadn't yet entered his vocabulary.
“Jason,” Tahani hissed, only half serious. He wasn’t wrong. “That is rude.”
“She is an evil bitch. She’s mean to you.” He held up a jalapeño popper. “Molotov her.”
“Stop being ridiculous.” Tahani sighed. “What did she want, anyway?” She wasn’t sure she was going to like Jason’s answer. Her mother wanted hundreds of things from her.
“She wanted to know if you were bringing a date to Christmas this year,” Jason says. “Apparently I don’t count.” He paused. “I don’t think she wants me there this year.”
“I can’t imagine why,” Tahani deadpanned.
“Maybe it’s because I’m not really a monk,” Jason said. Tahani doesn’t bother explaining her use of sarcasm to him. Manisha had invited Jason last year as her guest of honour, thinking he was a world-famous, silent monk. He had turned out to be an amateur DJ from Jacksonville, who had only just gotten out of prison for trying to rob a restaurant. He had informed her mother that he was, technically, famous, since he’d been on TV for nearly suffocating to death during the attempted robbery.
Manisha had once gotten a barista fired for spelling her name wrong. Mistaken identity apparently wasn't a joke to her.
Despite already knowing that she had no hope of being able to bring Jason, not least because Jason had a partner now, and a life outside her family drama, Tahani couldn’t help the anxiety that made her stomach sink at the thought of turning up without a date at all.
“I don’t know what I’m going to do, Jason,” Tahani said, putting her head in her hands. The unpleasant scent of Jason’s poppers filled her nose, and she was forced to lift her chin back up.
“Come to have dinner with me and Janet,” Jason suggested, for about the hundredth time. And, just as the other ninety-nine times, Tahani considered it.
But, no. The fallout would be too great. And she couldn’t rule out her parents turning up at her door the next year and forcibly dragging her to Christmas lunch, because the only time you missed an al-Jamil family gathering is when you were dying or dead. And a little part of Tahani was convinced that they’d have her coffin brought in to lunch if she died close enough to Christmas.
She sighed. “Jason, you know it is impossible.”
Jason flagged down one of the Demons, the Bad Place bartenders, and ordered two mojitos. Jason’s affection for cocktails was something that he and Tahani had in common. “I guessed you’d say that. So, I’ve got another option. But dude, you have to promise me that you’re not gonna freak out when I show this to you.”
The Demon - Vicky - reappeared quickly, setting their drinks down on the table. This week, she had a limp and was talking with a strong southern accent. “Enjoy your drinks, babies,” she said, and limped away on the other foot.
The Bad Place was a favourite workplace of the students of the nearby university, and Vicky was an aspiring actress who seemed to forget that Tahani and Jason were regulars at this bar and were very aware of her changing personas.
Nonetheless, she was efficient, and it was better to have her serving you than Trevor, who had found his niche in acting as an absolute asshole, or Jake, who insisted on serving every drink topless. Neither of which made for a fun evening.
Tahani looked at Jason with some trepidation. “Jason, I refuse to throw a Molotov cocktail, if that is what you are suggesting.” The previous year, she had had to prevent several fires, and that had, frankly, been exhausting. Especially on top of seeing her family, which was a trial on the best of days.
Jason shook his head. There was a gleeful look in his eye. “Nope, no Molotov. Although-"
“No, Jason.”
“But- “
“No, Jason.”
Jason looked disappointed. “Aw, fine. Okay. Plan B.” He rummaged around in his pockets for a minute, before finally coming up with a crumped piece of paper.
Tahani looked skeptical. “Your grand plan is a tissue?”
“No,” Jason said. “You gotta read it. And read it the whole way through before you say no.” He waggled the piece of paper in front of her. “Come on. You know you want to.”
Curiosity was something Tahani had always been guilty of, and she couldn’t resist taking the piece of paper. The words on it were handwritten in messy handwriting that was smudged in some places.
_____
Alone at Christmas? Mad at your dad?
I’m Eleanor. I’m a 33-year-old Arizonian felon (fraud.) All my savings come from selling the original Dress Bitch t-shirts on the internet - and I was best friends with the bitch in question. I now work part time in the food industry, where I sometimes mess up people's orders just for fun. If you’d like to have me as your strictly platonic date for Christmas, but have me pretend to be in a very long or serious relationship with you to torment your family, I’m game.
I can do these things at your request:
- hit on anything that moves while you act like you don’t notice
- start fights about politics and/or religion
- propose to you in front of everyone
- start an actual, physical fight with a family member, either inside or on the lawn for all the neighbours to see
- pretend to be really drunk as the day goes on
- openly steal stuff
Happy to do it for no money. I’m in it for the free food, as long as it gets me out of having to third wheel my friends this Christmas.
_____
There was a phone number underneath.
Tahani stared at Jason with an expression of disbelief on her face. “Jason, darling, this cannot be real.”
“Why not?” asked Jason. “This chick told you everything. She’s legit.”
“Did you ignore the part about her being a felon?” Tahani said, running a hand through her hair. She wasn't sure what she had expected her friend to present her with, but it certainly hadn't been this.
“Only fraud,” said Jason. “She probably just sold some dodgy cocaine on the internet. That’s like, not even a crime.”
“What?” Tahani shook her head, completely baffled. This was insane. “Yes it is, and Jason-“
“Anyway,” Jason said, completely ignoring her protests, “I’m a felon, and you like me. You should like her.”
“Jason,” Tahani said patiently, “just because I like you does not mean I am going to degrade myself enough to hire a woman I barely know for a family Christmas event.”
“If you don’t bring anyone, they’ll be really mean, though,” Jason said. “Last year was bad.”
Last year had been bad, one of Tahani’s worst. It had gotten to the point where she’d had to leave the table, and Jason had found her crying in the bathroom. He had then had spent the rest of the day pretending to teach her to meditate in order to get her away from her parents’ cutting remarks. It was the beginning of a friendship that Tahani treasured, but it had also been utterly devastating. Swings and roundabouts, she supposed.
“It was,” Tahani said. “Nonetheless, this Eleanor is probably running some sort of scam, and I am not going to humiliate myself by calling her number just to get insulted or- or sold windows or some such other nonsense.”
Jason looked disappointed. “What are you gonna do then?”
“I suppose, tell my mother that I won’t be bringing a date and deal with the consequences,” Tahani said. She reread the note. “I mean, where did you even find this?”
“Her ad was in the window of the MacDonalds two blocks over,” Jason said.
Tahani snorted. “Why, she must be trustworthy.”
She started slightly, feeling a hand on her shoulder, and turned around to see Michael and Janet standing behind them. Jason immediately leapt up to hug Janet, all talk about Christmas mercifully abandoned.
Tahani didn’t think she would ever understand Janet and Jason’s relationship. Janet was a MENSA certified genius, who knew literally everything as far as Tahani could tell. And Jason was… Jason. The two of them had seemingly nothing in common, yet had been happily married since they were eighteen years old. But Janet was perhaps the most genuinely good person Tahani had ever met, and she now considered them as good a friend as anyone.
Michael was another new friend that Tahani had Jason to thank for. He owned the frozen yoghurt bar next door to The Bad Place. It was named The Good Place, and he and Shawn, the owner of the Bad Place, were locked in some sort of deadly battle over who copied whose name. Tahani privately believed it was more because they enjoyed fighting than because they actually cared, but that was a thought she kept to herself. Regardless, Tahani knew Shawn wasn’t pleased that Tahani and Jason were friends with Michael, but they were regulars, and he couldn’t afford to lose them. Already, Michael was attracting dirty looks from Shawn’s demons.
“Hello, Tahani,” he said. He looked furtively around him, at the Demons who were walking up and down the bar. “I hope they don’t attack me.” He was dressed in a trench coat, large sunglasses and a fedora.
“What are you wearing?” Tahani asked him. “I thought I had instilled enough fashion knowledge in you that you wouldn’t go out dressed like this anymore.”
“I’m incognito,” Michael said. He pointed to Tahani and her snowman orgy jumper. “And I mean, that’s hardly a fashion item.”
“Point taken,” Tahani said. She played absently with the piece of paper that she still had in her hand.
Michael nodded at it. “What’s that?” He peered over the top of the sunglasses.
“Nothing,” Tahani said, quickly stowing it away in her pocket. “Just a silly idea of Jason’s. You know how he can be.”
“Let me see,” Michael said. Tahani hesitated. “Go on. It’s been a long day. I'm sure I could do with a laugh.”
“Oh, fine,” Tahani said, giving it to her friend. “You see, it was an idea Jason had for my date this year, for my parents’ Christmas lunch. But you know how Jason is, he doesn’t realise when these things are scams, so- “
“Oh, no,” Michael interrupted, skimming the words. “This is real.”
Jason, whose listening skills were always at their best exactly when you didn’t want them to be, craned his neck round at the pair. “You showed him the ad!” he said happily. “And it’s real?”
“Oh, it’s real,” Michael said. He reread it, with an expression of disbelief. “Goodness me. She really is disturbingly honest. Janet?”
“Yes?” Janet said, pausing what they were saying to Jason mid-sentence.
“Take a look at this.”
Janet scanned the paper, before turning to Michael. “This is our Eleanor?”
“I think so,” Michael said. “I really never can predict what she’s going to do next.” He shook his head at the piece of paper, a slight smile on his face. “And I knew she was messing up those orders deliberately.” He took out his phone. “Oh, I must take a photo, where is that camera app- “
“Wait,” Tahani said. Her head was swimming. Janet took Michael’s phone from him and photographed the note herself. Michael had insisted on buying the latest brand of iPhone a year ago, and was still trying to get his head around it. “Are you saying that you know this Eleanor person?”
“Know her?” asked Michael. “Oh, I know her. She started work for me a while ago.” He lowered his voice to a whisper. “You know, at the Good Place.”
“Well, she seems to be a top employee,” Tahani said, pointing to the ad. “I, too, would immediately employ a woman who intentionally gives my customers the wrong orders.”
"Her background in fraud makes her an excellent saleswoman," Janet said helpfully.
“Eleanor has a unique sense of humour,” Michael said. “I suspect annoying my clients is a large part of that. But this is real, I can promise you that much.”
“Great!” Jason said. “So, should we call her?”
Tahani looked at Jason as if he had gone insane. Perhaps he had. That remained to be determined. “Jason, you do understand that just because we know Eleanor is a real person does not mean that we can just invite her to Christmas lunch. I do not know her. I do not trust her. Again, did you miss the part about her being a felon?”
“But Michael knows her!” Jason said. “And he likes her. And we know she’s legit, and she’s totally not a murderer or anything because she only did, like, a bit of cocaine fraud-"
“No, she didn’t,” Janet interrupted. “She was involved in a scheme selling chalk medicine to the elderly.”
Tahani laughed, a little hysterically. “Lovely! Of course, I shall happily recruit a person whose claim to fame is defrauding the elderly.”
“She made far more money from the Dress Bitch enterprise,” Janet said. "Would you like me to tell you about her profit margins?"
Michael held up a hand. “I don’t think this is helping our case, Janet.”
“Our case?” Tahani said. “I cannot believe you are supporting this.”
“Pardon me if I’m wrong,” Michael said, resting a hand on Tahani’s shoulder, “but is that not exactly the kind of person who would be perfect for your family lunch?”
“No!” Tahani said. “She would be the worst date possible!”
“And that's exactly why she’s perfect,” Michael said. “Jason tells me they were quite awful to you last year. Why not return the favour? What’s the worst that can happen?”
“My parents disown me?”
“Dope,” Jason said. “You can come live with me forever and never have Christmas lunch with your evil bitch parents again."
“Lovely though that sounds,” Tahani said, “that is not quite ideal. I need a perfect date, not some Arizonian fraudster.”
“Tahani,” Michael said, resting his hands over hers, “your parents aren’t going to be happy no matter what you do. Maybe a dose of Eleanor will be just what they need to set their heads on straight.”
Tahani snorts. “I highly doubt that.”
“Your parents are narcissists,” Janet said helpfully.
“Your parents are assholes,” Jason butted in.
“That is exactly why I doubt it,” Tahani said. “I do not think their heads have the ability to set on straight.”
“At the very least,” Michael said, “you’ll have a bit of fun seeing your parents squirm. I hear that Jianyu turning into Jason Mendoza was quite an uproar.”
“That seems needlessly rude,” Tahani said. “I am a lady. It is not proper to make a scene.” But she was wavering and Michael could see it.
“If you want her, all you have to do is say the word and I’ll pass it on,” Michael said. “Maybe she’ll already have had an offer. Let fate decide. If she’s free, you take her. If she’s not, we’ll think of something else. How does that sound?”
“Oh, I am quite confident no one else will have made an offer,” Tahani said, taking a long sip of her drink. "No one else would be foolish enough to even consider it."
She looked up at Jason through narrowed eyes. He held his hands together in a prayer position. Tahani wondered what it said about her sense of judgement that she was almost considering agreeing to the plan of a man who had nearly gotten killed while robbing a shop - twice.
“Come on,” Michael said. He had an uncanny ability to read peoples’ minds. “Maybe Jianyu’s plans aren’t always a success. But me and Janet know Eleanor. This is a good idea. Trust me.”
Tahani let out a long, deep breath and finished her drink. She could already tell this was something she was bound to regret. “Fine.” Jason whooped and immediately held up a hand for a high five. Tahani tapped it reluctantly. “But if I get murdered, I will not be leaving anything for you in my will.”
Vicky appeared, this time without a limp, and with a strong Australian accent. “G’day. Can I get you mates anything else?”
Michael looked at her over the top of his sunglasses. “Vicky, that’s a truly terrible accent. I mean, truly, truly terrible. Really awful.”
“What are you doing here?” Vicky hissed, reverting to her actual voice.
“They were just leaving,” Tahani said. She gave Janet a gentle shove towards the door, and Michael followed suit.
“Tell your boss he’s stupid and... and a name thief,” Tahani heard Michael say as he walked away, followed by an incensed Vicky. “And you really need to work on that accent, Vicky, it’s…” Michael’s voice trailed off as he and Janet walked out of the door.
As they passed the large glass window, Janet caught Tahani’s eye and pointed to the ad in Michael’s hand. We’ll call her, she mouthed. Jason gave her a big thumbs up and smiled broadly at Tahani.
He held up his phone, and smiled at her. “I’ll tell your mom that you’re bringing a date.”