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Chapter Text

The sky was filled with hovering clouds that threatened to rain on Tahani as she walked through the streets of her neighbourhood. So much for the snow Jason had been so sure would come. Really, Tahani should have known better than to rely on Jason and his blind optimism for weather predictions. But it was nearly Christmas, and Christmas meant snow.

Truthfully, Tahani didn’t care for Christmas. But she cared about Jason, and didn’t like to disappoint him when he was excited about something. So there she was, four days before the hellChristmas was bound to bring, traipsing off to a bar in a hideous Christmas sweater that Jason had bought her a month or so prior. It featured a snowman orgy and was absolutely atrocious.

The Bad Place bar felt pleasantly warm when she walked through the door, taking her scarf off. Usually, it was too hot for her liking, but her fingers were frozen stiff around the fast food tray she was carrying, and she welcomed the heat, at least for now.

She headed for the back of the bar, where Jason was focussing hard on his phone. Some Jaguars match, Tahani guessed. She tapped him on the shoulder, and he turned around, a delighted smile on his face.

“Jalapeño poppers, as promised,” Tahani said, placing the greasy cardboard tray on the bar. She slotted herself onto the stool beside Jason and took off her coat. “I shudder to think what chemicals you are choosing to put in your body, but I suppose there isn’t any point in trying to persuade you to have something else.”

“You’re the best,” Jason said, completely ignoring her concerns. He paused to eat a handful of jalepeño poppers. “Your evil bitch mom called while you were gone.” There was never any preamble with her friend. Tact was a word that hadn't yet entered his vocabulary.

“Jason,” Tahani hissed, only half serious. He wasn’t wrong. “That is rude.”

“She is an evil bitch. She’s mean to you.” He held up a jalapeño popper. “Molotov her.”

“Stop being ridiculous.” Tahani sighed. “What did she want, anyway?” She wasn’t sure she was going to like Jason’s answer. Her mother wanted hundreds of things from her.

“She wanted to know if you were bringing a date to Christmas this year,” Jason says. “Apparently I don’t count.” He paused. “I don’t think she wants me there this year.”

“I can’t imagine why,” Tahani deadpanned.

“Maybe it’s because I’m not really a monk,” Jason said. Tahani doesn’t bother explaining her use of sarcasm to him. Manisha had invited Jason last year as her guest of honour, thinking he was a world-famous, silent monk. He had turned out to be an amateur DJ from Jacksonville, who had only just gotten out of prison for trying to rob a restaurant. He had informed her mother that he was, technically, famous, since he’d been on TV for nearly suffocating to death during the attempted robbery.

Manisha had once gotten a barista fired for spelling her name wrong. Mistaken identity apparently wasn't a joke to her.

Despite already knowing that she had no hope of being able to bring Jason, not least because Jason had a partner now, and a life outside her family drama, Tahani couldn’t help the anxiety that made her stomach sink at the thought of turning up without a date at all.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do, Jason,” Tahani said, putting her head in her hands. The unpleasant scent of Jason’s poppers filled her nose, and she was forced to lift her chin back up.

“Come to have dinner with me and Janet,” Jason suggested, for about the hundredth time. And, just as the other ninety-nine times, Tahani considered it.

But, no. The fallout would be too great. And she couldn’t rule out her parents turning up at her door the next year and forcibly dragging her to Christmas lunch, because the only time you missed an al-Jamil family gathering is when you were dying or dead. And a little part of Tahani was convinced that they’d have her coffin brought in to lunch if she died close enough to Christmas. 

She sighed. “Jason, you know it is impossible.”

Jason flagged down one of the Demons, the Bad Place bartenders, and ordered two mojitos. Jason’s affection for cocktails was something that he and Tahani had in common. “I guessed you’d say that. So, I’ve got another option. But dude, you have to promise me that you’re not gonna freak out when I show this to you.”

The Demon - Vicky - reappeared quickly, setting their drinks down on the table. This week, she had a limp and was talking with a strong southern accent. “Enjoy your drinks, babies,” she said, and limped away on the other foot.

The Bad Place was a favourite workplace of the students of the nearby university, and Vicky was an aspiring actress who seemed to forget that Tahani and Jason were regulars at this bar and were very aware of her changing personas.

Nonetheless, she was efficient, and it was better to have her serving you than Trevor, who had found his niche in acting as an absolute asshole, or Jake, who insisted on serving every drink topless. Neither of which made for a fun evening.

Tahani looked at Jason with some trepidation. “Jason, I refuse to throw a Molotov cocktail, if that is what you are suggesting.” The previous year, she had had to prevent several fires, and that had, frankly, been exhausting. Especially on top of seeing her family, which was a trial on the best of days.

Jason shook his head. There was a gleeful look in his eye. “Nope, no Molotov. Although-"

“No, Jason.”

“But- “

“No, Jason.”

Jason looked disappointed. “Aw, fine. Okay. Plan B.” He rummaged around in his pockets for a minute, before finally coming up with a crumped piece of paper.

Tahani looked skeptical. “Your grand plan is a tissue?”

“No,” Jason said. “You gotta read it. And read it the whole way through before you say no.” He waggled the piece of paper in front of her. “Come on. You know you want to.”

Curiosity was something Tahani had always been guilty of, and she couldn’t resist taking the piece of paper. The words on it were handwritten in messy handwriting that was smudged in some places.

_____

Alone at Christmas? Mad at your dad?

I’m Eleanor. I’m a 33-year-old Arizonian felon (fraud.) All my savings come from selling the original Dress Bitch t-shirts on the internet - and I was best friends with the bitch in question. I now work part time in the food industry, where I sometimes mess up people's orders just for fun. If you’d like to have me as your strictly platonic date for Christmas, but have me pretend to be in a very long or serious relationship with you to torment your family, I’m game.

I can do these things at your request:

• hit on anything that moves while you act like you don’t notice
• start fights about politics and/or religion
• propose to you in front of everyone
• start an actual, physical fight with a family member, either inside or on the lawn for all the neighbours to see
• pretend to be really drunk as the day goes on
• openly steal stuff

Happy to do it for no money. I’m in it for the free food, as long as it gets me out of having to third wheel my friends this Christmas.

_____

There was a phone number underneath.

Tahani stared at Jason with an expression of disbelief on her face. “Jason, darling, this cannot be real.”

“Why not?” asked Jason. “This chick told you everything. She’s legit.”

“Did you ignore the part about her being a felon?” Tahani said, running a hand through her hair. She wasn't sure what she had expected her friend to present her with, but it certainly hadn't been this.

“Only fraud,” said Jason. “She probably just sold some dodgy cocaine on the internet. That’s like, not even a crime.”

“What?” Tahani shook her head, completely baffled. This was insane. “Yes it is, and Jason-“

“Anyway,” Jason said, completely ignoring her protests, “I’m a felon, and you like me. You should like her.”

“Jason,” Tahani said patiently, “just because I like you does not mean I am going to degrade myself enough to hire a woman I barely know for a family Christmas event.”

“If you don’t bring anyone, they’ll be really mean, though,” Jason said. “Last year was bad.”

Last year had been bad, one of Tahani’s worst. It had gotten to the point where she’d had to leave the table, and Jason had found her crying in the bathroom. He had then had spent the rest of the day pretending to teach her to meditate in order to get her away from her parents’ cutting remarks. It was the beginning of a friendship that Tahani treasured, but it had also been utterly devastating. Swings and roundabouts, she supposed.

“It was,” Tahani said. “Nonetheless, this Eleanor is probably running some sort of scam, and I am not going to humiliate myself by calling her number just to get insulted or- or sold windows or some such other nonsense.”

Jason looked disappointed. “What are you gonna do then?”

“I suppose, tell my mother that I won’t be bringing a date and deal with the consequences,” Tahani said. She reread the note. “I mean, where did you even find this?”

“Her ad was in the window of the MacDonalds two blocks over,” Jason said.

Tahani snorted. “Why, she must be trustworthy.”

She started slightly, feeling a hand on her shoulder, and turned around to see Michael and Janet standing behind them. Jason immediately leapt up to hug Janet, all talk about Christmas mercifully abandoned.

Tahani didn’t think she would ever understand Janet and Jason’s relationship. Janet was a MENSA certified genius, who knew literally everything as far as Tahani could tell. And Jason was… Jason. The two of them had seemingly nothing in common, yet had been happily married since they were eighteen years old. But Janet was perhaps the most genuinely good person Tahani had ever met, and she now considered them as good a friend as anyone.

Michael was another new friend that Tahani had Jason to thank for. He owned the frozen yoghurt bar next door to The Bad Place. It was named The Good Place, and he and Shawn, the owner of the Bad Place, were locked in some sort of deadly battle over who copied whose name. Tahani privately believed it was more because they enjoyed fighting than because they actually cared, but that was a thought she kept to herself. Regardless, Tahani knew Shawn wasn’t pleased that Tahani and Jason were friends with Michael, but they were regulars, and he couldn’t afford to lose them. Already, Michael was attracting dirty looks from Shawn’s demons.

“Hello, Tahani,” he said. He looked furtively around him, at the Demons who were walking up and down the bar. “I hope they don’t attack me.” He was dressed in a trench coat, large sunglasses and a fedora.

“What are you wearing?” Tahani asked him. “I thought I had instilled enough fashion knowledge in you that you wouldn’t go out dressed like this anymore.”

“I’m incognito,” Michael said. He pointed to Tahani and her snowman orgy jumper. “And I mean, that’s hardly a fashion item.”

“Point taken,” Tahani said. She played absently with the piece of paper that she still had in her hand.

Michael nodded at it. “What’s that?” He peered over the top of the sunglasses.

“Nothing,” Tahani said, quickly stowing it away in her pocket. “Just a silly idea of Jason’s. You know how he can be.”

“Let me see,” Michael said. Tahani hesitated. “Go on. It’s been a long day. I'm sure I could do with a laugh.”

“Oh, fine,” Tahani said, giving it to her friend. “You see, it was an idea Jason had for my date this year, for my parents’ Christmas lunch. But you know how Jason is, he doesn’t realise when these things are scams, so- “

“Oh, no,” Michael interrupted, skimming the words. “This is real.”

Jason, whose listening skills were always at their best exactly when you didn’t want them to be, craned his neck round at the pair. “You showed him the ad!” he said happily. “And it’s real?”

“Oh, it’s real,” Michael said. He reread it, with an expression of disbelief. “Goodness me. She really is disturbingly honest. Janet?”

“Yes?” Janet said, pausing what they were saying to Jason mid-sentence.

“Take a look at this.”

Janet scanned the paper, before turning to Michael. “This is our Eleanor?”

“I think so,” Michael said. “I really never can predict what she’s going to do next.” He shook his head at the piece of paper, a slight smile on his face. “And I knew she was messing up those orders deliberately.” He took out his phone. “Oh, I must take a photo, where is that camera app- “

“Wait,” Tahani said. Her head was swimming. Janet took Michael’s phone from him and photographed the note herself. Michael had insisted on buying the latest brand of iPhone a year ago, and was still trying to get his head around it. “Are you saying that you know this Eleanor person?”

“Know her?” asked Michael. “Oh, I know her. She started work for me a while ago.” He lowered his voice to a whisper. “You know, at the Good Place.”

“Well, she seems to be a top employee,” Tahani said, pointing to the ad. “I, too, would immediately employ a woman who intentionally gives my customers the wrong orders.”

"Her background in fraud makes her an excellent saleswoman," Janet said helpfully.

“Eleanor has a unique sense of humour,” Michael said. “I suspect annoying my clients is a large part of that. But this is real, I can promise you that much.”

“Great!” Jason said. “So, should we call her?”

Tahani looked at Jason as if he had gone insane. Perhaps he had. That remained to be determined. “Jason, you do understand that just because we know Eleanor is a real person does not mean that we can just invite her to Christmas lunch. I do not know her. I do not trust her. Again, did you miss the part about her being a felon?”

“But Michael knows her!” Jason said. “And he likes her. And we know she’s legit, and she’s totally not a murderer or anything because she only did, like, a bit of cocaine fraud-"

“No, she didn’t,” Janet interrupted. “She was involved in a scheme selling chalk medicine to the elderly.”

Tahani laughed, a little hysterically. “Lovely! Of course, I shall happily recruit a person whose claim to fame is defrauding the elderly.”

“She made far more money from the Dress Bitch enterprise,” Janet said. "Would you like me to tell you about her profit margins?"

Michael held up a hand. “I don’t think this is helping our case, Janet.”

“Our case?” Tahani said. “I cannot believe you are supporting this.”

“Pardon me if I’m wrong,” Michael said, resting a hand on Tahani’s shoulder, “but is that not exactly the kind of person who would be perfect for your family lunch?”

“No!” Tahani said. “She would be the worst date possible!”

“And that's exactly why she’s perfect,” Michael said. “Jason tells me they were quite awful to you last year. Why not return the favour? What’s the worst that can happen?”

“My parents disown me?”

“Dope,” Jason said. “You can come live with me forever and never have Christmas lunch with your evil bitch parents again."

“Lovely though that sounds,” Tahani said, “that is not quite ideal. I need a perfect date, not some Arizonian fraudster.”

“Tahani,” Michael said, resting his hands over hers, “your parents aren’t going to be happy no matter what you do. Maybe a dose of Eleanor will be just what they need to set their heads on straight.”

Tahani snorts. “I highly doubt that.”

“Your parents are narcissists,” Janet said helpfully.

“Your parents are assholes,” Jason butted in.

“That is exactly why I doubt it,” Tahani said. “I do not think their heads have the ability to set on straight.”

“At the very least,” Michael said, “you’ll have a bit of fun seeing your parents squirm. I hear that Jianyu turning into Jason Mendoza was quite an uproar.”

“That seems needlessly rude,” Tahani said. “I am a lady. It is not proper to make a scene.” But she was wavering and Michael could see it.

“If you want her, all you have to do is say the word and I’ll pass it on,” Michael said. “Maybe she’ll already have had an offer. Let fate decide. If she’s free, you take her. If she’s not, we’ll think of something else. How does that sound?”

“Oh, I am quite confident no one else will have made an offer,” Tahani said, taking a long sip of her drink. "No one else would be foolish enough to even consider it."

She looked up at Jason through narrowed eyes. He held his hands together in a prayer position. Tahani wondered what it said about her sense of judgement that she was almost considering agreeing to the plan of a man who had nearly gotten killed while robbing a shop - twice.

“Come on,” Michael said. He had an uncanny ability to read peoples’ minds. “Maybe Jianyu’s plans aren’t always a success. But me and Janet know Eleanor. This is a good idea. Trust me.”

Tahani let out a long, deep breath and finished her drink. She could already tell this was something she was bound to regret. “Fine.” Jason whooped and immediately held up a hand for a high five. Tahani tapped it reluctantly. “But if I get murdered, I will not be leaving anything for you in my will.”

Vicky appeared, this time without a limp, and with a strong Australian accent. “G’day. Can I get you mates anything else?”

Michael looked at her over the top of his sunglasses. “Vicky, that’s a truly terrible accent. I mean, truly, truly terrible. Really awful.”

“What are you doing here?” Vicky hissed, reverting to her actual voice.

“They were just leaving,” Tahani said. She gave Janet a gentle shove towards the door, and Michael followed suit.

“Tell your boss he’s stupid and... and a name thief,” Tahani heard Michael say as he walked away, followed by an incensed Vicky. “And you really need to work on that accent, Vicky, it’s…” Michael’s voice trailed off as he and Janet walked out of the door.

As they passed the large glass window, Janet caught Tahani’s eye and pointed to the ad in Michael’s hand. We’ll call her, she mouthed. Jason gave her a big thumbs up and smiled broadly at Tahani.

He held up his phone, and smiled at her. “I’ll tell your mom that you’re bringing a date.”

Chapter Text

"What special flavours do you have today?" Eleanor's customer asked, looking at the menu.

"The plot twist from Frozen, waking up just before your alarm goes, or strawberry-cola," Eleanor rattled off. Her boss, Michael, had a way of naming his flavours after abstract ideas that would forever bemuse her. The Frozen plot twist was Tutti Frutti. Waking up before your alarm was Oreo and pineapple. Michael claimed that this was normal. Eleanor privately thought that he was nuts.

"I'll just get full cellphone battery," the customer said. Lime, raspberry and dark chocolate.

This man was a regular, so Eleanor served him what he was actually expecting to receive. Usually she'd have fun creating something new. The person before him had requested the same and walked off with apricot cheesecake. It was easy, because no matter what she put in that pot, every single person would say it tasted exactly like a full cellphone battery. She supposed she always had been good at sales.

She was bored, that was the thing. Chidi would tell her how it was "morally wrong" or whatever to miss the days where your sole job was defrauding the elderly into buying fake medicine, but Eleanor couldn't help but think of that time with fondness. Each customer had been a new puzzle to crack. This hardly compared.

She caught the eye of her boss, Michael, as he walked through the door and made a beeline for her. Janet took hold of her shoulders and guided her out of the way. "I will take over. Michael wants to talk to you," they said. Mystified, Eleanor took off her apron and headed to the little storeroom at the back that Michael referred to as his office.

She sat on the chair there, waiting, running her hands through his inexplicably huge bowl of paperclips. He came in soon after, a huge smile on his face that made Eleanor uneasy.

"Who put coke in your coffee?" Eleanor asked. He walked past her and sat down hard in the opposite chair. “You’re never this happy. The paperclip convention must be in town.” She snorted at her own joke.

Michael scowled. “Don’t be silly, Eleanor. You know that isn’t until June. He paused. ”No, I just went out for a drink yesterday with Janet and their friends.” He rummaged around in his pockets. "One of the friends found this in the window of a McDonalds." He took out a piece of paper and handed it to Eleanor.

Eleanor read over it. She felt a laugh bubbling into her throat. Because there was no way that Michael's friends had both actually found this and taken it seriously. She had written it with her friends after they were all far too deep into a bottle of tequila. She didn't even remember putting it up. And now someone had answered it.

"Well?" Michael said impatiently. "Do you want her number?"

"I didn't think anyone was going to answer this," Eleanor admitted, still scanning the paper. She sounded awful. She supposed that had been her intention, but she still couldn't believe that anyone would want this version of her to join them for Christmas lunch. “I’m surprised that she wanted me.”

Michael tapped the side of his nose. “I might have vouched for you not being a serial killer.”

“Michael!” Eleanor said. She ran her hand through her hair. “You do realise that I’m going to have to do this now?”

“Why would you post the ad if that wasn’t what you intended?” Michael said, sounding genuinely confused. “Really, Eleanor. If this is an attempt at humour, nobody is finding it particularly amusing.” Conversational nuance was something that was lost on Michael.

“Chidi and Simone thought it was funny,” she muttered.

“Chidi and Simone like you,” Michael said bluntly. “There’s no accounting for taste.”

Eleanor scoffed. “Thanks, dude.” She paused, trying to express her thoughts in a way Michael might understand. ”Look, I just can't imagine a world where someone would have responded to this as a serious customer. I mean, I basically said that I'm an unhelpful bitch who hates Christmas and people.” She scanned the note again. "And that I'll nick all your stuff."

"And most of that is correct," Michael said. Eleanor stuck her finger up at him. "Her name is Tahani, she is very pleasant, and, according to Janet, she is in dire need of a date because her parents are deeply awful people." He paused. "It seems that she has chosen to target that issue by recruiting a person who, on paper, sounds even worse than them."

"Charming," Eleanor muttered. “What’s she like, then?” She was, at least, mildly curious.

“Nice. Posh. You’ll have to find most of that out for yourself," Michael said. "Think of it this way. You avoid third-wheeling Chidi and Simone. And I know you want that. Tahani pisses her parents off, which I’m sure she wants. You two are happy. I’m happy. Janet’s happy. Chidi and Simone are happy. Mr and Mrs al-Jamil are unhappy. It’s a win-win-win situation.”

Eleanor groaned. Michael always knew how to play her. She privately thought he was wasted on a frozen yoghurt shop. He could’ve been a forensic psychologist, or a chalk fraudster. ”Why can you never make anything easy?" she said. “I was going to say no.”

“Powers of persuasion,” Michael said. “I’m guessing this is you agreeing?” He started to rummage around in his pockets for something. “Here. I’ll give you her number. You’d better call it.” He passed it across the table on a piece of paper.

Eleanor realised that he must have written it earlier. He knew she'd say yes. Oh, he was good. ”You’re nuts, you know that?" she said, more than a little impressed.

Michael shrugged. "I know you," he said simply. "I knew you'd never say no to something so obviously up your alley. You like an adventure too much. Let’s not forget the time you abandoned your friend’s dog to go lick Rihanna’s leg at a concert.”

Eleanor scowled at him. "That was one time. And anyway, she hasn't gone on tour since then. Cost benefit."

"What would your pet philosopher say about that?" Michael asked, clearly teasing her. Eleanor endlessly complained about Chidi's morality. Michael claimed it was making her a better person. Eleanor thought it was just there to drive her insane. It was probably a combination of the two.

"I hate you," Eleanor said affectionately.

"I wouldn't expect anything else," Michael said. He stood up and laid a hand on her shoulder. "I'll go help Janet out front. You, call her." He walked out of the room, leaving Eleanor staring at the piece of paper.

Alright, then, she thought. She was committed now. She picked up her phone and dialled the number.

“You’ve reached Tahani Al-Jamil,” the voice on the other end of the line said. “How may I help you?” Her voice was British and aristocratic. She exuded wealth.

Eleanor let out a low whistle. “Woof. Michael said you were fancy, but I didn’t realise that meant you were going to talk like a voicemail message.”

There was an exhalation of breath from the woman - Tahani. “I suppose you are Eleanor Shellstrop. I had hoped Michael had forgotten.”

“Charming,” Eleanor said. She wondered if Michael had used his powers of coercion on Tahani as well. It wouldn’t surprise her. “Yeah, I’m Eleanor.” She hesitated. “I’ve got to admit, I’m kind of surprised you responded to me. But I guess you've got me out of an awkward Christmas of third wheeling my friends, so I’m in your debt.”

“I am happy to be of service,” Tahani said. “Might I ask if one of the friends in question is the one you defamed with t-shirts?”

Eleanor laughed. “I haven’t spoken to her in years, babe. Believe it or not, I’m slightly nicer now. I promise not to make any t-shirts of your face.”

“Those already exist,” Tahani said. “My good friend Donatella made them for her spring range six or so years ago.”

Eleanor blinked. “What- okay. Never mind.” Tahani was weird. “Look, are you serious about wanting me to do this? Because I’m totally down, but- “

“Yes,” Tahani said quickly. Too quickly. Eleanor wondered briefly quite how desperate she was. “I have committed, now, have I not? And I suspect it would break Michael’s heart if I were to give up now.”

“Great,” Eleanor said. She clapped her hands together. “Now that’s sorted, I’m thinking we should probably meet. In person. To discuss logistics, or whatever. Does tomorrow work for you?”

There were a few seconds of breathing on the other end. “Eleanor, you must understand that I am very famous. I cannot simply go around meeting people I don’t know.”

Eleanor winced. “Is now a bad time to say that I have absolutely no idea who you are?”

“Oh,” Tahani said. Her tone had become significantly warmer. “Well then. I’m sorry. I answered your advertisement. This is terribly rude of me.”

Eleanor waved a hand. “Don’t be dumb, fake girlfriend. We’ll meet wherever. How about the Good Place? Ten o'clock? I’ll buy you a bagel.”

“That would be perfect,” Tahani said. “Tomorrow at ten.”

“It’s a date,” Eleanor said. She hung up.

“Eleanor Shellstrop, back in the dating world?” came a voice from the doorway. Eleanor turned to see Chidi Anagonye. “Never thought I’d see the day.”

“Well, you know how it is,” Eleanor said. “You’re such a stud. Couldn’t get over your scrawny ass.”

Chidi was Eleanor’s best friend and effectively her favourite person in the world. She’d met him while he was in college, studying some nerdy moral philosophy bullshit and she was working part time in the campus coffee shop.

Apparently Chidi was attracted to people who were good case studies for his moral philosophy experiments, because they’d dated for a two years after they met, until their relationship had petered out and it had become clear that they were nothing more than glorified roommates. But by that point, they’d grown far too attached to one another and it was easier all round if they just stayed in the same flat. Until the end of time.

Now Chidi was dating Simone, who worked with him at the university, who Eleanor adored. She constantly bugged Chidi to propose to her before she “ran away to a hotter man who doesn’t look like a Senegalese owl.” She had also hinted multiple times that said hotter man might very well end up being her.

Chidi sat down opposite her, in Michael’s chair. “I can see how it might have been difficult,” he said. “Who’s the lucky person?”

Eleanor tried to make her face look neutral. “Oh, just. Um. Someone.” She decided to change the subject. “Why are you here?”

Chidi gave her a look. “Michael called me and told me ‘Chidi, you won’t want to miss this.’ What’s he put you up to now?”

Eleanor sighed. “He’s such a tosser.” She hesitated. “Do you remember that ad we wrote? The worst Christmas date ever?”

Chidi looked at her like she had suddenly turned into a frog. “There’s no way you got a response to that.”

Eleanor met his eye steadily with barely contained laughter. "Believe it."

"But... how?" Chidi asked. "We made you sound terrible. I mean, I very nearly ended my friendship with you there and then.”

“You would never,” Eleanor said, waving a hand. “I guess my natural charm just seeped through the pages. Some Tahani girl wants my services.”

“If by natural charm, you mean sounding like a horrible person,” Chidi said. “Then sure. When are you turning her down?” Eleanor smiled at him guiltily. “I mean, this can’t be something you’re actually planning on doing.” Eleanor maintained eye contact. There was real fear in Chidi’s eyes. "Oh no, you are planning on it. You’re going to saying yes.”

“I already did,” Eleanor said. Chidi looked like he was about to cry. “I'm committed now, idiot. It'll be fun. I get a free lunch. You get a day with Simone to have Christmas themed sex, or do science experiments, or whatever you two do while you're alone. And this Tahani chick gets to have the pleasure of my company-" Chidi smirked. "-it's great company, Chidi Anagonye, so don't give me that look - and whatever family members she hates enough to recruit me get to suffer. It's a win win win situation."

“I’m not sure I agree.” An expression of clarity came across Chidi's face. "You sound exactly like Michael. Did he hypnotise you or something?"

"You always disagree," Eleanor pointed out, choosing to ignore the Michael comment - though Chidi was probably right. "We're soulmates. We're hard-wired to disagree on everything."

"Is that how soulmates work?" Chidi asked.

“It’s how we work,” Eleanor said. “So, stop questioning my methods, and focus on your own relationship. For example, is this Christmas going to be the Christmas you propose?”

Chidi’s ears turned red. “Eleanor, we’ve been over this. I will propose when the time is right.”

“Do it now,” Eleanor said. “Second you get home, you get down on one knee and you pop the question. And then you get married tomorrow-"

“Short notice.”

“-exactly, so you can’t overthink anything. Uzo’s your best man and I’ll be Simone’s maid of honour. And you can both wear a tiara.”

“Who’s wearing a tiara?” came a voice from the doorway. Eleanor looked up to see Simone.

“You and me when we get married, apparently,” Chidi said.

Simone snorted. “Not if you never ask, dumbfuck.”

Chidi coughed, clearly a little embarrassed. “Yes. Well. I’ll get to it. In the meantime, why don’t you tell Simone about your absolutely horrible plan, Eleanor?”

“Wait a second,” Eleanor said. “Why are you here?”

“Michael called and said I wouldn’t want to miss something,” Simone said. “He even gave me free FroYo. Gleeful Plotting flavour, apparently.” She ate a spoon. “Tastes like Biscoff.”

“He’s such a dick,” Eleanor said, resting her chin in her hands. Quickly, she relayed all the information she had given Chidi to Simone.

“So, that’s that,” Simone said. She paused to feed Chidi a spoonful of the yoghurt. “Fun. I mean, it’s a terrible idea, but it sounds like fun. What did you say the girl was called?”

“Tahani al-Jamil,” Eleanor said, sticking a finger in the yoghurt. Simone didn’t protest, which struck her as odd. She looked up to see Simone’s mouth hanging wide open.

"Pause," she said, her Australian accent tinged with disbelief. "Did you just say that Tahani al-Jamil hired you to be her shitty date?”

"Uh, yeah," Eleanor said, a little confused. "Why? Do you know her or something?"

"Everyone knows her," Simone said incredulously. "The al-Jamils are the it family. Of, like, everything. Tahani's a legendary philanthropist. She's raised millions for charity. And she's Kamilah's sister.”

"Who the hell is Kamilah?" Chidi and Eleanor asked, at the same time. Simone looked dumbfounded

"Do the two of you live under a rock?"

"I've never heard of this woman before in my life," Chidi said.

"Kamilah's the shit. She's an artist, singer, model... you name it, Kamilah's done it. How the hell haven't you heard her name anywhere?"

"Probably because the name Kamilah isn't on the front of any moral philosophy books," Eleanor teased. "You can't expect Chidi to be up to date on popular culture that isn't about philosophers."

"First, philosophers aren't popular culture, much as Chidi would love to think they are," Simone said. "And, second, you're just as bad as he is, Eleanor. You've agreed to go to Christmas lunch with one of the most important families in the world. You’re a fucking idiot. This is the equivalent of going on a date with Prince William.”

“Firstly, I would never go on a date with him. Too bald.” Eleanor stood up and walked towards the fridge, grabbing a Sprite. “And, anyway, I’m not going as Kamala or whatever’s date. I’m going with Tahani. So I don’t need to know about all the art she shits out of her ass or whatever.”

“I’m bald, and you dated me,” Chidi pointed out.

“Lapse of judgement. Won’t happen again.”

“Eleanor,” Simone said, seriously, “you're completely fucked.”

“No. It’s gonna be great. This is the trolley problem,” Eleanor said. “It’s basic ethics. I can either let one rich lady have a shitty Christmas, or I can ruin the Christmases of multiple rich people all at once."

“Thought experiments aren’t always the answer,” Chidi said.

Eleanor scoffed. “Alright, Professor Hypocrite. One time, you likened picking a chocolate bar to Plato’s Allegory of the Cave. Why are you guys so against this idea, anyway?” Chidi opened his mouth, and she put a hand up. “Say nothing about Kantian principles and lying, egghead, or I’ll punch you in the face.” Chidi’s mouth shut immediately. “Simone?”

“They will eat you alive,” Simone said. “Really, Eleanor. They will. And, while we’re at it, Tahani is literally stunning. She’s exactly your type. I’ve watched enough Hallmark movies to know there is no way you’re going to get through this without falling for her."

Eleanor huffed. “Don’t be ridiculous. I have self-control. And, anyway, she’ll be the one falling for me. I'm delightful.”

“Sure she will,” Chidi said. Eleanor gave him a hard stare.

“My charms worked on you, didn’t they?”

“Lapse of judgement,” Chidi mocked. “Won’t happen again.”

“You’re both such assholes,” Eleanor said, banging her head against Michael’s desk. She picked up one of the cactuses that littered his office, and brandished it like a sword at her friends. “All my friends are assholes. This is going to work. You don’t have enough faith in me.”

“Your plans never work,” Simone said. “Do I need to bring up the time you made some poor dog morbidly obese?”

"To go and lick Rihanna's leg?" Chidi chimed in. "I tried using that argument already."

“Why do you both keep bringing that up?” Eleanor said. “The only things I’m leaving unsupervised this Christmas are you two. The worst thing that could happen this year is that you bore Simone to death.”

Chapter Text

Tahani caught Shawn's eye as she walked into the Good Place. He looked at her with an expression that made it very clear that he considered her a traitor. She and Jason were his customers, not Michael's. Tahani did her best to arrange her features into something resembling an apology, because the drinks at the Bad Place really were quite good, but she had much more pressing matters on her mind. Namely, Eleanor Shellstrop.

Michael stopped her at the door to give her a hug. "Tahani! So good to see you. She's ready."

He indicated to a table near the back of the shop, where a woman was sitting. She was blonde, dressed in flannel, and extremely short. Tahani couldn't help but think that the two of them looked like the polar opposites of each other. With her carefully styled hair, designer dress and high heels, she felt very out of place with the other patrons, who all appeared in various states of disarray.

Nonetheless, Tahani was nothing if not a good conversationalist, and she strode purposefully towards Eleanor, who was playing some game on her phone.

"Hello," Tahani said. "It is I, Tahani."

Eleanor looked upwards and then proceeded to very obviously check her out. "Damn, babe. Michael didn't warn me you were going to be some kind of… I dunno… giraffe model.”

"Excuse me?" Tahani asked, a little startled.

"Ignore her," Michael said, appearing behind them. "She's just winding you up. It's her way."

Eleanor stuck a finger up at Michael. "Okay, you can get lost now.” Michael looked at her affectionately. It was clear that he and Eleanor were close.

"Charming as ever," Michael said, adjusting his bow tie. He whispered good luck to Tahani as he walked away. Tahani couldn't help but suspect she would need it.

"You planning on sitting down at some point, hot stuff?" Eleanor asked, and Tahani felt her cheeks warm.

"Quite," she said, ducking into the chair. "How rude of me. I do apologise."

"It's cool," Eleanor said, shrugging. "So. How'd you hear about me?"

"Through my friend," Tahani said. "Jason apparently found your advertisement on the window of a McDonalds. I must say, that does not seem to be a particularly desired spot to place an advertisement. I do wonder why you selected it."

"Well, me and my friend sort of wrote the ad as a joke," Eleanor said. "Like I said, I didn't think anyone would actually be interested. I didn’t exactly sound… well…. nice.” She sounded a little ashamed.

"I thought that was the point?" Tahani said. "Worst date ever? That is certainly what Jason thought I needed." She paused. "He and Janet intend to come here in half an hour or so, by the way. I could not be entirely sure that you would not turn out to be a murderer or something."

"Babe, I literally didn't know who you were until my best friend's fiancé read me your Wikipedia page."

Tahani winced. "You've read it?"

"Like, two lines," Eleanor said. "It was pretty boring. No offence. Heiress, neck model, philanthropist.” She counted Tahani’s accomplishments off on her fingers. “Nothing I couldn't have worked out after spending about four seconds with you." She gestured to Tahani's neck. "I mean, that thing is award-winning."

"It is, actually," Tahani said. Internally, she breathed a sigh of relief. Eleanor hadn't combed through her life. She had a clean slate. "So. Where to begin?"

"Maybe why you fancy having me as your date for Christmas?" Eleanor said. "I mean, other than my roguish charms."

"Your defrauding of the elderly really sealed the deal for me," Tahani deadpanned.

Eleanor looked a little ashamed. "Michael told you, huh?"

"He did," Tahani confirmed. "Do not worry. I do not hold it against you. You recall Jason? He was an armed robber and once blew up the boat of a semi-amateur DJ. As long as you do not make an attempt on my life, we are starting this as friends."

"Cool," Eleanor said. "So, my question? Why do you want me?"

"My family has a bit of a habit of making the holiday season rather unpleasant," Tahani said. "Last year, they went too far.” That was putting it mildly. “Coming to lunch without a date only exacerbates the issue, and Jason thought you seemed ideal for ruining their Christmas the way they love to ruin mine.”

“Damn,” Eleanor said. She looked slightly alarmed, but was hiding it well. “Good to know. So, what is it you need from me?”

Tahani stopped to consider. “I thought we might establish a backstory first. My parents will interrogate you. There is no real way of escaping that. Even if they believe that I am serious about you - which, I warn you, is unlikely - they will still have questions. And I’m afraid that there cannot be any gaps in our story, or-“

“Breathe, hot stuff," Eleanor said. She laid a hand on Tahani’s. ”I used to lie for a living. We’ve got this. How do you want to say we met?"

“Well, I do not see why we could not tell the truth for that one," Tahani said. "We met here. You gave me your number-"

"You gave me yours," Eleanor interrupted. Tahani shot her a look. "Sorry, can't expect them to believe that you saw this bod and didn't give it your number, babe. I'm too gorgeous."

"My name is Tahani," Tahani said. “It would be good if you remembered that. My parents would expect a long-term partner to know my name.”

Eleanor snorted. “Right. I’ll bear that in mind.” Her eyes widened. “Oh! I almost forgot."

She passes a mug of black coffee and a handful of creamers and sugars to Tahani. "I didn't know how you liked it. And I didn’t want to get FroYo because, let’s be honest, much as I love Mike, it’s not very good.”

Tahani took it gratefully and emptied several packets of sugar into it. Eleanor looked scandalised. "Tahani! You're ruining it."

"I didn't have you down for a coffee snob," Tahani said.

"There's a lot of things you don't know about me," Eleanor said. "Maybe we met when I was correcting your terrible coffee order. Introducing you to the joys of drinking it black.”

"Or perhaps it was I, showing you how delicious coffee can be when one does not insist on drinking it in its natural black tar form," Tahani said, filling her coffee with creamers.

"I mean, you're basically drinking milk at this point," Eleanor said. "Maybe I was a vegan activist, telling you not to put creamer in your coffee in protest of the dairy industry."

Tahani took a sip of her - very nice, unlike some peoples' - coffee and smiled. "Eleanor, darling, you dress like a farmer. I suspect they would be more likely to believe you had sold me the creamer."

Eleanor laughed. "Point taken. Should I not wear flannel on the day?"

"Please, wear whatever you like,” Tahani said, waving her hand. “My parents will hate it. Dress as Little Miss Muffet as you deem necessary.”

"Okay, great," Eleanor said. "So, we met on a farm, where I was offering a milking class-"

"And I told you I enjoy having cow's milk in my coffee-"

"And then I told you that was disgusting and an abomination-"

"And I told you that you're objectively incorrect-"

"And then we kept going till you got me pregnant, or something," Eleanor said. "High five.” Tahani accepted. “How does that sound?"

"Truly realistic," Tahani said. "Unfortunately, fun though that would be, we really do need a strong story. My parents are like a dog with a bone. If they sense even one gap in the narrative, everything will fall apart.”

Eleanor held her hands up. “Like I said, I lied for a living. It's fine. Okay. Let's go with the thing where you ask for my number. We can walk it through, right? Ask me for my number.” She leant forwards on her elbows so her eyes were dangerously close to Tahani’s.

Tahani cleared her throat awkwardly. “May I have your number?”

"Sure, sexy giraffe lady," Eleanor said. Tahani laughed. "Where should we go for our first date?” She paused. “Hang on, actually, when was our first date? How long ago did we meet?”

"Six months," Tahani said immediately. "Long enough to be serious, but not quite long enough that it would merit a formal meeting with my parents."

"Perfect," Eleanor said. "So. Six months ago. Where am I taking you?"

"A nice restaurant?" Tahani ventured.

"I thought I was meant to be a terrible date," Eleanor said. "I took you to Taco Bell, and we ate burritos in a bus shelter."

"Romance is indeed not dead," Tahani said. It was not, however, a terrible cover story. It would do in a pinch. “Hopefully, the fact I am rather a private person will work in our favour. It shouldn’t be too unusual that I haven’t told them I have a partner.”

"Cool," Eleanor said. “Good start.” She took a sip of her coffee, and Tahani grimaced. “Don’t make that face, it’s delicious. What would a girlfriend need to know about you? Other than your coffee order, I mean.”

"A long-term partner would certainly be well acquainted with my job - well, jobs - but you seem to have that under control,” Tahani said. “You will also need to know about a few family members and friends, but I suggest we do that closer to the time, because we have a limited amount of time today and a long drive come Christmas.”

Eleanor gave a double thumbs up. “Got you. Perfect. Logistics wise, how are we going to get there?”

"I am in discussions with Jason about that one," Tahani admitted. "He owns a quite repulsive motorbike. It has a topless Baywatch star on the side."

"Your friend owns Pam?" Eleanor said, looking a little star-struck. "And he'll let us use her?"

"That remains to be seen," Tahani said. "He will be here soon. You are familiar with the motorbike?”

“It’s legendary around here,” Eleanor said, grinning widely. “I’ve taken selfies with it.” She pulls out her phone and scrolls through her camera roll. “Here.” Sure enough, there she was, making a very crude gesture at the motorbike that simultaneously amused and scandalised Tahani. “I can’t wait to ride her.”

She continued scrolling through her camera roll, pointing out the people and places. Tahani learnt about Chidi, the best friend, and Simone, his girlfriend, in cursory detail that still made it clear that Eleanor loved them deeply. In return, Tahani showed Jason and Janet to her. In many ways, it was like a real date.

After what felt like no time, but was actually closer to a full quarter of an hour, Jason appeared, hand in hand with Janet. He hugged Tahani. “Dope! She didn’t murder you!” he said happily.

Eleanor waved at him, a little awkwardly. “Why are you people so convinced I’m planning to murder Tahani?”

“I am a multi-millionaire, darling,” Tahani said. “Which is something that a partner would certainly know about me, so I suggest you remember that information.” 

Janet offered a hand to Eleanor, who shook it. “I’m Janet,” they said.

Eleanor nodded. “Tahani showed me. Genius who got married in a wing place?”

Janet gave an enthusiastic smile and nodded. “Correct. Stupid Nick’s Wing Dump.”

Jason leant forward and kissed them with the same enthusiasm. “Best day of my life. After the time where Stupid Nick’s gave me free wings.”

“That was the same day,” Janet said affectionately.

“Best two days of my life,” Jason said, kissing Janet enthusiastically.

Tahani would never understand them.

"So," Eleanor said eagerly, "apparently you're the owner of the Pam Anderson motorbike?"

Jason's eyes immediately lit up. Commenting on the atrocious motorbike was a surefire way to win his affection. "Yeah! I blew up the first one by accident when I put lighter fluid in the engine, but this one works great." He turned his attention to Tahani. "You can borrow my motorbike, but, in that case, we need to borrow the Jag."

Tahani nodded immediately. "Of course. Just no putting anything that shouldn't be in the engine in the engine." She scooted her chair sideways and towards Eleanor so they were side by side, so that Jason and Janet could sit down.

"Coffee?" Eleanor asked.

Jason shook his head. "No, it's gross and tastes like burn."

Janet also shook hers. "I dislike mood-altering drugs.”

Eleanor looked a little confused, but, to her credit, shook it off quickly. "Alright." She looked at Tahani and nodded at Jason. "I can see why you two are friends. Did you bond over coffee hatred or something?"

"Not quite," Tahani said. "We met last year at my parents' Christmas lunch."

"The one that went catastrophically wrong?" Eleanor asked.

"Don't they all?" Janet said, with their trademark lack of tact. They were right, though. Tahani could hardly argue with that.

"Jason was introduced to me as Jianyu, a Taiwanese silent monk," Tahani explained. "It seems my mother had found him on the street somewhere, and assumed that he was a monk that she had read about in the newspaper. She didn't bother to fact check, and simply invited him back to ours for lunch. Whereupon he revealed himself to be Jason Mendoza, perhaps the antithesis to a silent monk.”

"I'm Filipino," Jason added. "Her parents are so racist, man."

"So I hear," Eleanor said. "In fairness, I met my best friend when I worked at a university coffee stall. He couldn't decide what coffee to get. I ended up giving him a Xanax instead." She considered for a second. "Your origin story is way weirder, though." She nodded towards Jason and Janet. "How'd you two meet?"

"We just did," Jason said, shrugging.

"It's easier not to ask," Tahani said to Eleanor. "I have never got a straight answer out of either of them. We seem to have gotten off topic anyway." She looked at Jason. "Where should we meet to exchange vehicles?"

"Jason and I were intending to take a break for breakfast at the service station on the road leading towards the swimming pool about two hours northeast," Janet said. "I believe that would be the correct direction for your parents' as well. We can meet there, share a meal and exchange."

"We're not getting the wings, though," Jason said. "I'm not cheating on Stupid Nick. That's bad manners."

"Of course not," Tahani agreed. "Does that work for you, Eleanor? If you could come to my house beforehand, we could embark on the journey together."

"You make it sound like the Hobbit," Eleanor said. "But sure, cool, give me your address. I'll be there first thing."

"Does four o'clock work for you?" Tahani said. Eleanor visibly winced. "I know, it is early, but Christmas with my parents is a whole day affair. If they had their way, we would stay at the house for the whole week preceding the day itself. We need to be there early, which means we need to set off at five, and that requires you arriving at four for discussing tactics.”

“We’re not going to war,” Eleanor joked.

“We might as well be,” Tahani said, deadly serious.

Eleanor groaned. ”I guess I’ll live,” she said. “We’ll make this work. I’ll drink coffee or something.” She shot Tahani a pointed look. “Nice coffee.”

"Debatable," Tahani muttered. "There is one thing, though." She looked a little awkward. "There is not really a nice way to say this.” Janet and Jason launched into their own, entirely separate, conversation. Tahani was grateful for that. The two of them were both gifted with a strange mix of complete tactlessness and an unparalleled ability to read a room.

"Hit me," Eleanor said.

Tahani took a deep breath. “So my parents are a little homophobic,” she blurted out. “And you are a woman.”

“Brilliant deduction," Eleanor said. "Are we going to get stoned?"

"No, no, they aren't violently homophobic or anything like that," Tahani said quickly. "They will simply be extremely uncomfortable that I am dating a woman in the first place. The fact that it is a long-term relationship will not help. They are bound to be absolutely terrible to you. I mean, they would be regardless, even if you were a man, but this will not help. I am already embarrassed about how they are sure to behave. If you have an issue with this, I suggest that you back out now.”

Eleanor looked at her with an expression that Tahani struggled to read. “No, I’m all in,” she said. She smiled slightly. “Got to give your parents the shittiest Christmas ever, right?”

Tahani breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank you,” she said fervently. “I appreciate this greatly.”

Eleanor shrugged. “I’m getting a free meal out of it, aren’t I? No need to thank me.” But the slight pinkness of her cheeks was not altogether lost on Tahani, who covered her hands with hers and squeezed.

All in all, Tahani thought, it hadn’t been a bad first date.

Chapter Text

Tahani's alarm blared at half-past three the morning of Christmas day, and she rolled over with a groan and a ball of anxiety in her stomach.

'Tis the fucking season.

She checked her phone for any messages. The only one was from Eleanor the night before, asking if four o'clock was still ideal. Tahani fired off a text saying yes, that would be perfect, and groaned.

She checked her cupboards only to discover with dismay that she had neither coffee nor tea. She rubbed her eyes and splashed her face with cold water to wake herself up a bit, before quickly eating a cereal bar and wondering if it was too late in her life to turn to God and pray that there was a tornado on the road between hers and her parents’ that might prevent her from having to go there.

Her skincare regime was a luxury that she particularly relished in on mornings like this, where she was stressed. This applied to family get togethers. Jason teased her about "lotions and potions" but Tahani was a multimillionaire. She considered herself entitled to a few eccentricities, and her skin was one of them. She took her time lathering on the various ointments, but eventually, she was ready, and there was nothing left to do. She hadn't been intending to be one of those people who just sat at their kitchen tables waiting for their dates - or fake dates - but, of course, that was exactly what ended up happening. It was difficult to relax with the knowledge of what the day would entail weighing on her mind. Eleanor provided a welcome breath of fresh air to her tangled thoughts.

She seemed pleasant, Tahani thought. A little rough around the edges, but that was hardly a bad thing. She wondered, not for the first time, if it was too petty to bring a date with the sole purpose of destroying her parents' Christmas. But, she reasoned, it wasn't necessarily destruction she had in mind. Simply a little light chaos. Enough to make them uncomfortable. Hopefully, and selfishly, enough to distract her parents from spending their day insulting her. Or at least, enough to offer a buffer of some sort between her and their insults. Perhaps if they were insulting her taste in women - or that she had a taste for women at all - they would have less time to insult everything else about her life.

When she heard the doorway, she felt genuine relief. She swung the door open to reveal a very sleepy-looking Eleanor, dressed in another hideous flannel and some blue jeans, worn at the knee. It was perfect.

"Morning," Eleanor yawned. "Remind me again why I agreed to come this early?"

"Poor judgement," Tahani said. She was sure she looked just as tired as Eleanor. "I ran out of coffee."

"That's karma," Eleanor said. "For drinking it like a heathen. But, as luck would have it, I'm the best fake girlfriend ever." She took off a bright orange rucksack and poured Tahani a cupful of black liquid from a thermos. "Drink up."

Tahani went to her fridge for milk, but Eleanor caught her arm. The warmth on her skin was pleasant. "Nope," she said. "Drink it like God intended."

Tahani took a sip and made a face. "It tastes like antimatter, darling." But already she could feel a little more energy in her veins, so, gritting her teeth, she downed it with a shudder.

Eleanor's smile was free and reminded her a little of Jason's blind optimism. It was enough to make Tahani's heart skip a beat. "We'll get there," she said. "Progress is progress."

"Indeed," Tahani said. "Now. Onto business. I shall be ready to leave soon. I need to find some clothes and apply my makeup, but afterwards, we are good to go. Please make yourself at home. Take anything you want to eat. I know that free food is a large part of your agreement to this scheme."

"Michael mentioned your snowman orgy sweater," Eleanor said. Her voice was filled with mirth. "You think your parents would enjoy seeing that?"

"They would burn me at the stake," Tahani said, only half-joking. "No, today I am going to dress like the perfect daughter I am. They know I care about how I dress. If I wear such a garment, they will smell a rat."

"Woof, are your parents actual detectives?" Eleanor asked, giving a low whistle. "You could always say it was a special Christmas gift from the best girlfriend ever."

Tahani let her lips quirk into a smile. "Perhaps if they ask what you got me… But, sadly for you, I do not think it will work as an outfit today."

"Suit yourself," Eleanor said, holding her hands up. She flopped unceremoniously down onto Tahani's kitchen sofa. "God, your house is insane. When you said you lived in the rich part of town, I didn’t realise it involved an actual mansion.”

Tahani looked at Eleanor with a wry smile. “Eleanor, I fear that the presence of my home here is why this is the rich part of town.” She forced a smile onto her face. “It is just delightful, isn’t it? I love it.”

And cold. And lonely. And boring. And impersonal. Eleanor looked at her like she was perfectly capable of filling in the words Tahani had chosen to omit.

“Ah. Right,” Eleanor said, sounding like she didn’t believe a word Tahani was saying. She waved a hand. “Go. Scram. Get ready. I’ll play Candy Crush and steel myself for whatever today has in store.”

“I apologise being a bad hostess,” Tahani said. She was sorry. It would have been easy enough to get herself ready before rather than after Eleanor’s arrival.

“Babe, even the most formal hosting at the Shellstrop home involves telling the guests to grab a beer from the fridge and then putting all the cocktail shrimp in my bra to eat it in my room,” Eleanor said. She was already midway through a Candy Crush level. “Go. Get that hot giraffe ass ready.

Tahani’s cheeks felt hot. She couldn’t tell if it was the embarrassment of leaving Eleanor here alone or the rather unaccustomed delight that came from Eleanor calling her attractive in the strangest way possible. Or, she thought, with a growing sense of pessimism, the growing realisation that inviting Eleanor along to lunch at all was one of the worst ideas she had ever had.

Upstairs, she sat down on the bed and exhaled loudly. She couldn’t work out if she’d just made the worst mistake of her life. So, she did what she did whenever her head was spinning in circles and she needed a voice of reason. She called Larry.

Larry Hemsworth was the closest thing Tahani had to a brother, and also the closest thing she had to a healthy relationship with a sibling. Both of them were considered far less impressive than their biological siblings, and their parents were friendly enough that Tahani and Larry had ended up spending all their spare time in one another’s company. Their parents were determined that they should marry. Tahani would rather have cut off her own fingers.

Tahani loved Larry, though, as much as it was possible to love another human being. She sometimes wondered if she should have married him and been done with it. It was certainly what she had been supposed to do. Except, she wasn’t really one for doing what they were supposed to do when it came to matters of the heart. She sometimes wondered if that was more trouble than it was worth.

"Hey," came Larry's voice. It was rough with sleep. "Everything okay? It's early."

"I might have done something incredibly stupid," Tahani said. She paused. "Merry Christmas."

She could almost hear Larry's smile down the phone. "Merry Christmas. What's going on?" He sighed. "You didn't try to topple a statue of your sister again, did you?"

"That only happened once," Tahani muttered. "It is not as if she didn't deserve it. The statue was hideous anyway."

"Yeah, yeah," Larry said. “Planning on storming any of her art exhibits with an axe?”

“Deserved,” Tahani said. Well, it had been.

“You didn’t try to marry Jason again, did you?”

Tahani groaned. “Larry, that happened once. He has a partner. Be serious.”

Larry muttered something that sounded suspiciously like twice, before letting out a loud cough. His voice returned to its usual pitch. “Alright, alright. Care to share what you've done this time?"

"I answered an advert for a woman claiming to be the worst date ever and now she is in my house and I am about to take her to lunch," Tahani said. "It felt like a good idea before, because my parents are loathsome creatures and they certainly deserve to have Eleanor inflicted on them, but it has occurred to me now, perhaps too late, that it is deeply unwise, and-"

"Pause," Larry said. She heard him rearranging himself, presumably to a sitting position. She put him on speaker and uncapped her mascara. "You hired some woman to ruin Christmas lunch?” The trepidation was so obvious in his voice that Tahani sighed. “And you wanted me to make a serious guess as to what was wrong?”

"This is an unsalvageable situation, isn't it?" she said, groaning. She swept eyeshadow onto her eyelids. Whatever this day would bring, she would enjoy it in style.

“You’re always so dramatic,” Larry said. Tahani heard him roll over. “If you don't want her there, send her home. It's four in the morning. I don't think she'll care too much if she gets to have a bit of extra sleep."

"I cannot tolerate a Christmas lunch without a date this year," Tahani said. "I do not think I have it in me to go through last year again."

"So take her," Larry said, as if it were that simple.

"It is not-“

"Yes, it is," Larry interrupted. “Stop making everything so complicated. This Eleanor person knows what she's signing up for, right?"

"Yes, but-"

"And she can leave whenever she wants?"

"Yes, but-"

"Tahani," Larry said patiently, "she can make her own decisions. She can tell you herself if she thinks this is all going to be too much."

"She doesn't know who Kamilah is," Tahani said.

"She might be your soulmate, then," Larry said, in a tone that was, in Tahani's opinion, cruelly serious. “Get yourself ready. Go down to her. If she wants to leave, she has the chance to do that. And if she doesn’t, take advantage of the fact that your mom will actually lay hard boiled eggs when she sees Eleanor. Plus, if you bring a woman, maybe your parents won’t ask me to propose this year.”

Tahani laughed. “I do not think that is avoidable. Besides, if you do not marry me, you will have to marry whatever vapid girl your parents can unearth.”

“You’re vapid,” Larry teased. “I’m used to it. Better than all those dinosaurs they dig out of their coffins for you.”

“They’ve dug out a few dinosaurs for you as well,” Tahani reminded him.

“They’ve dug out a few vapid men,” Larry said. “I hope you haven’t forgotten Brent Norwalk. Scarlett Pakistan certainly hasn’t.”

“Yes, well, neither has Brad Vegemite,” Tahani said. “I believe you attempted to murder Chip after he proposed to me.”

“Well, maybe I wanted your brown-crayon eyes to myself,” Larry said. “Oh god, I can’t wait to tell this Eleanor girl about Scarlett.”

“Don’t even think about it,” Tahani said, laughing. Her tone softened. “Thank you. I am still not sure about this, but I appreciate your help.”

“Always a pleasure,” Larry said. He yawned audibly. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a couple of hours left before I have to get up and brave lunch with your parents, so I’m going to sleep.”

“Oh, bollocks, of course,” Tahani said. “Go, go. I will see you later.” The end-call-tone rang flat in her ear.

She heard something clatter downstairs, followed by a very muffled fuck that made Tahani laugh. It helped her state of mind, of course, that Eleanor was such a nice person. Maybe today would be alright after all.

Chapter Text

Eleanor was mildly concerned that she might actually already have fallen for Tahani.

It wasn't just that Tahani was stunning, although she was, obviously. She was funny, in a strange sort of way. Eleanor had had a lot of fun at the Good Place, just getting to know her. Their senses of humour were similar enough that the pair of them had a genuinely good time. At least, Eleanor hoped. But she was also kind. She had terrible taste in coffee, but Eleanor supposed she would be able to look past that if need be. She was fiercely protective in a way that she failed to disguise of her weird nerd friends - and really, that was fair, because she was similarly loyal to Chidi. And if you turned that man over, there was a good chance that you'd find "weird nerd" stamped on the bottom of his feet.

Her house was awful, though. Eleanor couldn't help but think that. Sure, it was enormous, and the modernist architecture was probably very tasteful in a way that Eleanor was way too trashy to appreciate, but it was all sharp edges and white walls. Eleanor was reminded a little of a hospital waiting room. She made a mental note to ask Tahani why she'd chosen to live here. She didn't seem like the kind of person who would enjoy having this much empty space, considering her personality was as bright and colourful as they came.

She rifled through the cupboards to produce a packet of cereal bars and a few yoghurts. The house was extremely empty other than that. Simone had mentioned that Tahani hosted a lot of gala dinners and philanthropic events. Eleanor supposed that was why her house was so devoid of life. Still, it added to the overall impersonal nature of the house, Eleanor thought, as she munched on a cereal bar. It was a bit like chewing gravel, but it was better than nothing.

Four o’clock. It was a ridiculous time of the morning, in Eleanor's opinion. She took a swig of coffee in an attempt to keep herself from falling back asleep. She could hear a clattering about above her that she assumed must be Tahani getting ready. At least her sofa was comfortable.

Tahani appeared after about twenty minutes, immaculately made up and clothed in some fancy red dress that hugged her in all the right places and made something drop in Eleanor's stomach. "You look hot," Eleanor said without thinking. She decided not to correct herself. Tahani did look hot.

Tahani cleared her throat and smoothed down her dress. "Thank you, Eleanor. That is most kind," she said. She came and sat beside her on the sofa, and looked her in the eye. "I have a concern."

"Shoot," Eleanor said, putting her phone away.

"I am concerned that we do not look like a real couple," Tahani said. Her tone was awkward. "If we have really been dating for a long time, my parents would expect certain a physical closeness that we cannot hope to have. Considering that we met four days ago."

Eleanor nods to Tahani's hand, which is absently resting on her thigh. "We're off to a good start," she said.

Tahani blushed a delicate pink. Even her embarrassment was fancy. It was almost unfair, how pretty she was. "Well. Yes. There is that. " She looked for a second like she was going to move her hand, but eventually left it there. "But they would expect certain physical closenesses that are specific to a couple, if you catch my drift."

Eleanor held up her hands. "Oh, I am so not gonna fuck you in front of your parents," she said. Tahani spluttered a protest, but she continued regardless. "In private? Maybe. I'm not against it. Twist my ear and I could be into it. But no way are we putting on a show for your bitch parents. I mean, they don't deserve it." She pointed down at her breasts. "They don't deserve the twins."

Tahani looked like she was about to laugh, or cry, or both. "I am talking about kissing, Eleanor. Obviously."

"Obviously," Eleanor intones in a bad parody of a British accent. "Go on, then." She puckers her lips. "Plant one on me, hot stuff."

If it was possible, Tahani grew even redder. Gone was the delicate pinkness of earlier. Eleanor couldn't help but think that this was actually more attractive. "There is no need to be so crude about it, Eleanor-"

She was cut off, save for a soft "oh" that slipped out of her lips, seemingly unbidden, as Eleanor gently brushed their lips together. It was completely chaste, and, with anyone else, Eleanor might have found it a little boring. But here, she had difficulty pulling away. Their faces hovered close together. Eleanor could hear her own breathing. Tahani's eyes were blown wide.

"That was good," Eleanor said, her voice about an octave higher than usual. "Not natural, though. It should be more natural than that."

"Yes," Tahani agreed. "You are correct. Kiss me again."

"And you're not even gonna buy me dinner first?" Eleanor said.

Tahani licked her lips and Eleanor felt actual sparks in her stomach. Oh, she was so fucked. "I rather thought that I was going to buy you dinner afterwards," she said. "If that would be agreeable."

"I am agreed," Eleanor said. Her brain had turned to mush. Tahani let out a little giggle and pulled her in again, this time for a much longer, deeper kiss. They didn't break apart until they were both panting for air and Eleanor was ready to blow off this whole Christmas lunch bullshit and jump her bones on the spot.

"That was also good," Tahani said. "I think we are good at kissing."

"Ten out of ten," Eleanor said. Her eyes didn't move from Tahani's. She felt sure her pupils were blown just as wide. "So we've got casual touching down. We've got making out down. We just have to work out how to be slightly less good at kissing, because that sure as shit didn't look casual."

Tahani gave her an almost haughty look. "I am afraid that isn't possible," she said. "I am an excellent kisser. Men have fallen in love with me after a single kiss. I could not be anything but perfect."

"And women?" Eleanor said. "What happens to us?"

Tahani ran her tongue over her lips again. "Well, that remains to be seen, darling, does it not?"

"You're an asshole," Eleanor said. Tahani merely laughed, and then, finally, pulled her eyes away from Eleanor's.

"First rule of fake dating is not to fall in love, Eleanor," she said, packing a few things into a gold purse. "Surely you have seen enough Hallmark movies to learn that."

"I'm pretty sure that the couple end up together in every single one of those Hallmark movies," Eleanor said. Simone had dragged her to enough for her to say that with confidence.

"Well, we shall have to aspire to be the first," Tahani said. She offered a hand to Eleanor and pulled her up. "Shall we?"

"Shall we what?" Eleanor said. Her face was directly in line with Tahani's breasts, and she was still half-thinking with her libido.

"Shall we leave for my parents', of course," Tahani said. "You know, the whole reason for your presence here?"

"Oh. Right. Yeah," Eleanor said.

Tahani bent down and pressed her lips to Eleanor's. "What- what was that for?" Eleanor said, her voice still at the high pitch that was giving away exactly how bad she was doing about being the first to break the rule.

"One for the road," Tahani said. She grabbed Eleanor by the hand. "Come on. We'd better set off now if we don't want to be late meeting Jason and Janet. I am sure that Donkey Doug will not mind much if those two are a few minutes late, but I assure you, my parents will.”

"Donkey Doug?" Eleanor asked, swinging open the door of Tahani's Jaguar. Nice car. Simone hadn't been wrong about Tahani's family being rich.

"Donkey Doug is Jason's father," Tahani said. "He is nice enough. He is not terribly bright, and he is not terribly good at staying on the right side of the law."

"Right," Eleanor said, as Tahani started the car. "Like Jason, then."

"Correct," Tahani said. She pulled out of the driveway and fired up the navigation on her phone. "Jason was very much raised in his image. It is why Janet is good for him. They balance him out.” She blushes a little. “It is silly, but Jason, Janet and Michael have been much more of a family to me than my actual family have ever been.”

“Definitely not silly,” Eleanor said immediately. “My parents were crap. Didn’t care one way or another if I lived or died. Then I met Chidi. It felt like-“

“What you'd hoped family would be,” Tahani ventured, and Eleanor nodded.

“Exactly.” She inhaled. “You want to tell me about your actual biological family yet?”

Tahani sighed. “I suppose I might as well. It would serve you well to be prepared.” Her fingers clenched tighter around the steering wheel.

“Tahani,” Eleanor asked, a little worriedly, “how shitty are these people going to be to you?”

“It isn’t me I’m worried about,” Tahani said. “I am used to it. You, on the other hand, are yet to experience the actual, genuine hatred they are going to treat you with.”

Eleanor looked at her. “You shouldn’t have to be used to it. You know that, right?”

Tahani waved a hand with a tension that Eleanor pretended not to notice. Tahani was a lot easier to read than she thought she was. “It comes with the territory of being an al-Jamil.” She let out a long exhalation. “Alright. Pay attention. You can forget small details, that would fit with your character, but you cannot call my sister Kamala.”

“Why?” Eleanor asked. “It would probably annoy her.”

“Because it would appear too much like outright antagonisation,” Tahani said. “You may say you’ve never heard of Kamilah- “

“I haven’t- “

“-which is all well and good, more so than you know, but every single other person in the world has. She is a painter, an activist, an Olympic gold medallist, she has won a Grammy and a BAFTA, and she is the youngest ever Oxford University graduate.” Tahani rattled off the list of achievements like she’d done it a hundred times - which, Eleanor supposed, she probably had.

“Didn’t hear neck model,” Eleanor said. “You win. Sucks to Kamala.”

Tahani let out a breathy laugh. "That is certainly not a phrase you are going to hear today," she said. "My parents are terribly fond of creating competitions between the two of us. Unfortunately, I never seem to win any of them." She scowled. "Our fight is not with each other, but it is difficult to remember that sometimes." 

"I would too," Eleanor said softly. "Your parents sound like they'd be great fun at parties."

Tahani cleared her throat with something resembling a snort and stared intently at the road. Eleanor got the impression that the burst of emotion Tahani had just shown was a little unwanted. "They are not good people, Eleanor. They are going to treat you awfully."

"It's fine," Eleanor said. She looked hard at Tahani. "Seriously. Stop stressing about it. I knew when I posted the ad that I was going to have to deal with some shitty people. I've done it before. I'll probably do it again."

Tahani looked unconvinced, but dropped the subject. "Okay. If you're sure." She paused. "Well. My mother is called Manisha. My father is called Waqas. There is very little you need to know about them except that they are Pakistani-British and absolutely elated about the British part. Nothing brings them as much joy as sitting in their enormous houses and playing duke and duchess."

"There are worse ways to live," Eleanor said. "I think I'd be a good duchess."

"Well, when you die, reincarnate as something other than an Arizona trash bag," Tahani said.

Eleanor snorted. "No can do, hot stuff. I'm trash bag through and through.”

"I highly doubt that," Tahani said. "What else do you need to know?" She paused, thinking. "Well, my parents are absolute delights, of course. My sister is a good person, but there is a high chance that she will ignore us entirely. Don't take it personally. It is simply easier for both of us when we are distant enough that our parents cannot cause trouble."

Eleanor stared at her, almost disbelieving. "Christ, Tahani. Your parents sound awful."

"We have barely scratched the surface," Tahani said, in an offhand way that made Eleanor's blood boil. Tahani had been raised in a household that sounded even worse than her own - and that was saying something, because not a day went past without her feeling guttural rage at her parents for robbing her of a childhood. And Tahani was so used to this she had stopped reacting to it. "But that is okay."

"Bitch mother, dick father, okay sister," Eleanor rattled off. "Anyone else?"

“They have invited Larry," Tahani said. "He is a childhood friend of mine. We grew up together. We were both neglected siblings of the rich and famous.”

"Anyone I'd know?" Eleanor asked, taking a drink of coffee from the flask.

"He is a Hemsworth brother," Tahani said, and Eleanor choked slightly on her drink.

"I didn't know there were four," Eleanor said.

Tahani shrugged. "It would be wise not to mention his brothers. They will be rather a sore spot for him. If he is eating with us, it means they don't want him eating with them."

The idea of it made Eleanor's heart ache a little. She could see why Tahani and Larry had become friends. "Got it. No mentioning siblings.”

“He also knows about you,” Tahani added. “About the fact that we are not a long-term couple. Kamilah does not. The risk of her giving us away is too high. But you can trust Larry.”

“Okay,” Eleanor said. “What’s he like? What have I got to expect from him?”

"He is lovely," Tahani said. "That is not the problem. The problem is that our parents are determined for us both to marry, because we have famous siblings, and that means it falls to us to have heirs.”

"They'll try to marry you off while I'm sitting right there?" Eleanor asked, shocked.

“Absolutely,” Tahani said, nodding. “But it would be intolerable to marry him. He is like a brother to me. And besides, my interests tend to lie with women.” She paused. “You mustn’t flirt with him, by the way. My parents know I would not tolerate it. Particularly if it’s true love. I am a romantic, and they loathethat.”

“I don’t need to,” Eleanor said. “I already have the hottest person in the universe to flirt with.” She gently nudged Tahani’s arm. “By the way. If this is some sort of coming out, it's the most elaborate one ever.” She offered a bag of Sports Mix to Tahani, who took one.

"I am nothing if not dramatic," Tahani said through a mouthful of gummy. “It is hardly every girl who recruits an escort to ruin her parents’ Christmas lunch, while simultaneously informing the room that she is a lesbian to prevent her parents attempting to marry her off to her childhood best friend.”

“Don’t make it sound so sordid,” Eleanor said, laughing. “Escort. It’s not like I’m your personal dominatrix.”

“Now who’s being sordid?” Tahani asked.

Eleanor had downloaded a few episodes of Friends to her phone to watch if the car ride got boring, but Tahani was incredibly easy to talk to, and Eleanor felt like she’d known her her whole life, and the conversation made the car ride pass in no time. In exchange for all the information she’d been given, Eleanor told Tahani about her family, too. The good bits, like Chidi and Simone and even Michael, who was the closest she had ever come to a real father. And the bad bits, Doug and Donna and, worst of all, Patricia, which was never a tale she enjoyed telling. And, truly, she usually hated it when people tried to relate to her shitty childhood, but when Tahani told her in a soft voice that she understood what it was to be neglected and ignored, and that she knew the pain of watching someone who wouldn’t give you the time of day devote themselves to someone else, Eleanor felt heard.

It seemed she and Tahani were a lot more alike than she had originally thought.

As the car pulled into the car park of the service station, Eleanor fired off a quick message to Chidi and Simone, and another to Michael.

_____

eleanor >> this is why everybody hates moral philosophers
> i think im fucked

eleanor >> michael
> if i got married would u walk me down the aisle

_____

Predictably, both messages got immediate responses, but Eleanor switched her phone off and smiled at Tahani, offering a hand. Tahani took it, interlacing their fingers.

They could wait. Everything else could wait except this moment.

Merry fucking Christmas, she thought.

Chapter Text

Tahani and Eleanor made good time on the road and arrived at the services a little before seven o'clock. They were due to meet Jason and Janet around seven fifteen. "I'll message and tell them we're here," Tahani said, sending both of them a message separately, hoping one of them would notice the vibration and stop to read it.

Sure enough, a response came through fairly quickly from Jason. It was mostly made up of typos, abbreviations and emojis, as was customary of him, but Tahani had become well-versed in Jason-speak and guessed he was trying to ask them to find a table somewhere.

For this time of the morning, the service station was almost too busy. They had selected this place because it remained open on Christmas Day, which was odd enough in itself, but the sheer number of people thronging through the wide corridors was almost daunting.

"Lots of people here for Christmas," Eleanor said aloud, voicing Tahani's thoughts. "Half the shops in here are shut, anyway. You'd think they'd just bring a picnic."

"We didn't," Tahani pointed out.

"Well, maybe you should have done," Eleanor said. "You're not prepared enough. Although apparently the only things you have in your house are weird blueberry yoghurts that taste like toothpaste and cereal bars that are basically just compressed grit."

"What kind of toothpaste are you using?" Tahani hummed, only half listening as she scanned the area for any potential breakfast spots. They were slightly limited on options because so many places had been closed for Christmas, but there were a few cafes dotted here and there that looked promising.

"I don't know, the regular kind?" Eleanor said.

"The regular kind is mint, Eleanor," Tahani said. "Do you think any of these establishments would be suitable?"

"Long as they serve food, I don't care where we go," Eleanor said. "I'm starving.”

Tahani could understand that - her mouth was dry with thirst. So at random, she selected the IHOP, because Jason liked some disgusting type of pancake with fruit on it, and found a table that would seat them all before messaging Jason with where to meet them.

“How far away are they?” Eleanor asked.

Tahani shrugged. “There is no way of knowing. There is every chance they will be here at 7:15 on the dot, but there is an equal possibility Jason has got them completely lost. I suggest you order now.”

“I can wait,” Eleanor said. She flagged down a waiter. “Two black coffees, please.” She grinned at Tahani, all teeth. “That’ll tide us over.”

“I’ve had quite enough of black coffee, what with your disgusting thermos antimatter,” Tahani said, turning her nose up.

"Stop calling it that," Eleanor said. Thankfully, when the coffees arrived, they came with a pile of sugar and creamers that Tahani immediately emptied into her mug before Eleanor could stop her. “I hate you,” Eleanor said, sagging down into her seat.

Tahani took a sip of her drink primly. “The feeling is mutual, darling,” she said. Bold words, she knew, from a person who was still very preoccupied with Eleanor’s lips, but there was nothing to be done about that. She hated Eleanor’s posture and taste in coffee. That would do for now.

"Trouble in paradise?" came a voice, and Tahani turned to see Jason and Janet, who sat down in the free chairs.

"Naturally," Tahani said. "Was your journey alright?"

"Jason made us stop at a river to feed birdseed to the geese," Janet said. "Other than the brief chase that came afterwards, yes, we had a good trip."

"I scared them off," Jason said.

"You did not," Janet said happily. "You attempted to create a Molotov cocktail out of a juice box. You would have difficulty scaring anything larger than a hamster."

Jason beamed and leaned his head against their shoulder. "Wrong," he said, in a tone that was equally happy and content.

Tahani could live eight hundred lifetimes and never understand their relationship.

As expected, Jason ordered the most disgusting pancake-related item on the menu with far more enthusiasm than pancakes and scrambled eggs merited, in Tahani’s opinion. Eleanor ordered shrimp cocktail. When Tahani raised an eyebrow, she simply shrugged. "Never say no to some shrampies," she said. "You can try it if you want." She was mad, quite mad, Tahani decided.

When all the food had arrived, and Eleanor had started attacking the shrimp with what could only be described as primal aggression, Tahani passed her car keys over to Jason, who took them gratefully and handed over the ignition to his motorbike. "I wouldn't have had you down for someone who knew how to drive a motorbike," Eleanor said through a mouthful of shrimp.

"I taught her," Jason said. "In case she was ever in a police chase and needed to steal one." He finished the last piece of his toast and pulled a Rubik's cube out of his pocket. He had been working on solving this cube for around two months now, and, despite that Tahani knew for a fact that Janet could easily solve one of them in under ten seconds, had not sought help. He had completed the white face around three weeks ago, and it was enough of a celebration that Tahani had brought round champagne.

Janet and Eleanor started talking about something that Tahani chose not to join in with, instead electing to sit back and allow the familiar rumble of their voices to wash over. The white noise of the service station behind her made her almost ready to fall asleep. She took a long sip of her coffee to fight that idea off. It wouldn't do to nearly fall asleep before an hour long motorbike ride.

Before long, everyone was done, and they started to gather their things together, ready to go. Tahani hugged Jason and Janet and wished them a merry Christmas. There was little doubt it would be. Christmas at the Mendozas would be nothing but special, and Michael was intending to come round as well. He couldn't be described as a party animal, but he was certainly always nice to be around. Tahani was jealous.

"See you guys soon," Eleanor said. "Have a good Christmas." She turned her focus to Tahani. "Ready?"

Tahani bent down and kissed her. "Of course." Just a second after, she realised what she had done.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, fuck.

There had been no reason for the kiss. It had been purely reflexive. That wasn't good.

"What was that for?" Eleanor asked.

"I don't know," Tahani said awkwardly. "I do apologise, it was most improp-"

Eleanor pulled Tahani in for another kiss. "I don't care," she murmured. "Improper is good. You have great lips."

Tahani laughed quietly and kissed Eleanor again.

Jason, who excelled at having terrible timing, looked over at exactly the wrong moment. Of course, lacking subtlety entirely, he gave Janet a nudge that prompted them to turn around and see Tahani and Eleanor, who had both noticed that they now had an audience.

The pair of them wore matching grins that had Tahani blushing slightly. Eleanor grabbed her hand and squeezed it, laughing. "Own it, hot stuff," Eleanor said, dragging her towards the door. "You got to mack on this. That's a good thing."

"And you're modest," Tahani hummed. "The whole package, I am sure.”

During the walk down to the carpark, Tahani kept stealing glances at Eleanor. Despite the stress of the day, she could not keep the smile off her face. Eleanor was periodically returning the favour, her pale skin flushed.

Eventually, Eleanor snorted. "We're acting like kids who just had their first fuck," she said.

"You always make it sound so crude," Tahani said chidingly. She relented. "You are not wrong. Perhaps we should at least try to make it look like we are less new to the joys of kissing one another when we reach my parents'."

"No can do," Eleanor said. "I might be good at lying, but I'm not that good at lying."

"Pretend my parents are clients you are selling chalk medicine to," Tahani said.

"I don't think your parents would be dumb enough for that," Eleanor said. She looked at Tahani with obvious lust in her eyes. "Anyway, maybe we're so in love that we feel permanently like we just had our first fuck. That's true romance. Or something."

"Something," Tahani agreed. She led Eleanor to the spot near the edge of the carpark where Jason had left his motorbike. "Here it is."

Eleanor ran a hand along the side. "I can't believe I finally get to ride her," she said, genuine awe in her voice that made Tahani smirk. "This is the best day of my life." She winked at Tahani. "Not just because of the motorbike."

"Enjoy it, because you have about an hour before all your hopes and dreams are crushed," Tahani said. "Ready to go? It's back roads all the way there, so I thought you could just sit behind me."

"You're telling me I get to grope you for an hour?" Eleanor said. She was becoming more and more brazen, and Tahani was having to fight the part of her that genuinely enjoyed it. "Count me in. If I ever say no to a question like that, I give you full permission to shoot me."

"Understood," Tahani said. She swung a leg over the bike. A part of her regretted the dress she had chosen to wear. It was a little impractical. Still, there was nothing to be done about it now. Eleanor hopped on behind her and wrapped her arms around Tahani's waist.  "Hope you can focus on driving with my sexy ass sat behind you," Eleanor said. Her tone wasn't serious, but Tahani was asking that question to herself. It wasn't every day she spent cruising the back roads of America with a beautiful woman attached to her like a limpet.

"I think I will manage," Tahani said, making sure to inject mirth into her tone. She pushed the key into the ignition and felt the familiar rumble of the motorbike powering into life. "Let's go."

She had memorised the first few turns she needed to take, but she soon came into the area she knew like the back of her hand. She and Larry had spent a lot of their teenage years exploring the region near her house. It was useful to have this knowledge, because she was a little distracted by Eleanor, remarkably still and silent though she was. Muscle memory soon took over, and the motorbike wove through the thin lanes that characterised the area.

The paths were overgrown at the sides, and long grass tickled Tahani's calves. It was cold enough that Tahani shivered occasionally, but Eleanor's hands on her upper arms quickly warmed her up, and the sun was shining. Tahani felt pleasantly relaxed navigating the roads, at least at first. The closer she got to the al-Jamil family home, the more nervous she felt.

Eleanor seemed to pick up on this and gently squeezed Tahani’s shoulder. It was far too loud to hear anything, but the physical reassurance was pleasant and some of her anxiety subsided.

What felt both like an eternity and like no time at all later, Tahani pulled onto the gravel path that lead up to the mansion. She slowed down to a halt and left it by the gate. “So anyone who comes past will notice it,” she explained to Eleanor.

Eleanor was looking at the house with an expression of awe. It was rather intimidating to look at, Tahani knew. “That is terrifying,” she said.

Tahani snorted. “We are barely getting started, darling.” They walked up the driveway, hand in hand. Tahani wasn’t entirely sure who was reassuring who. They reached the large oak front doors, and Tahani reached up a hand for the lion’s head knocker.

They had arrived.

Chapter Text

Looking at the mansion, Eleanor's first thought was a sudden clarity on why Tahani lived where she did. The two were completely different styles: this one dated and ancient where Tahani's was shining and new, yet somehow they seemed identical. It was as if the two were carbon copies of one another.

Eleanor's second thought was that she was extraordinarily out of her depth.

There was a part of her that wanted to run away now, somehow find her way home, and sit in her apartment to have Christmas dinner with Chidi and Simone. Calm, pleasant, and homely. But the bigger part of her - the part that was trying not to flinch at Tahani's manicured nails digging into her hand - was aware that this wasn't an option.

The door opened. Eleanor wasn't sure what she had been expecting, but the bald man wearing a frog tie wasn't it. Tahani broke their grip to hug him.

"It is so good to see you, Jeff," she said. She turned to Eleanor. "Eleanor is Jeff, our doorman."

"I like your tie," Eleanor said, offering a hand for him to shake. "Cool frogs."

"I like frogs," Jeff said, absently playing with the end of his tie. The corridor behind him was wide, ornate, and lined with modernist paintings. There was one enormous family portrait of a child Tahani, along with three people Eleanor didn't recognise. She nudged Tahani and pointed to the painting.

"Nice hair, Claudia Winkleman," she said. Child Tahani had pigtails and bangs that covered half her face.

Tahani blushed. "I am afraid I had not acquired the sense of fashion that I have now," she said. She turned her attention to Jeff. "Where are the others?"

"Drawing room," Jeff said. "I will-"

"Tahani!" came a shout. A woman came barreling down the hallway and hugged Tahani tightly. "So good to see you!”

"Kamilah," Tahani said. Her tone was a little stiff, but she hugged Kamilah back with the same enthusiasm. "How pleasant of you to greet us at the door."

"Well, you know how it is. I had to say hello without Mother telling me hugging isn't proper- who's us?" She removed her head from Tahani's shoulder to reveal her face. It was vaguely familiar to Eleanor. She wondered if maybe she had seen Kamilah before.

Eleanor held up a hand in an awkward wave. "Eleanor Shellstrop. Tahani's plus one."

Kamilah's face was a picture of amusement and disbelief. "Tahani, you brought this home to meet our parents?"

"Charming," Eleanor muttered, a little affronted. She heard a little chuckle from Jeff.

"Quite," Tahani said. She gave Kamilah a light smack on the shoulder. "Please excuse Kamilah. She seems to have forgotten her manners."

"You're brave," Kamilah said, completely ignoring Tahani and addressing Eleanor. "Father is going to hate you."

"Well, thanks for the encouragement," Eleanor said, smiling, and offering a hand for Kamilah to shake. "It's nice to meet you too."

“You’re welcome,” Kamilah said. "I'm still trying to wrap my head around this, Tahani. You brought home a female lumberjack??"

"Actually, I'm a FroYo specialist," Eleanor said. "Sorry to disappoint. Don't worry, though, I've brushed up on my axe skills to prepare for today."

Tahani shot her a look that clearly said behave. But she was far more relaxed than she had been on the ride here, so Eleanor took that as a good sign. She didn’t doubt that Tahani’s relationship with her sister was flawed, but they seemed to get along well enough without the influence of their parents.

“I like her,” Kamilah said. “She can stay.”

“She doesn’t need your approval,” Tahani said. “We’re in love.” She slipped an arm over Eleanor’s shoulder.

Kamilah choked. “Oh my god, Tahani, you’re in love with the lumberjack?”

“Was that not obvious?” Tahani asked. “Kamilah, be serious. Do you think I would really bring home a woman, much less Eleanor, if it were not a love match?”

“Well, fuck you too,” Eleanor said in her brightest tone. “Also, remember, I work at a frozen yoghurt shop, if either of you care. I’d watch out on calling me a lumberjack because legend has it that your parents will skin me alive if they hear of me doing that kind of work.”

“They will already skin you alive,” Kamilah said. Her tone had a note of concern in it. “Are you sure that you’re ready for this? I don’t mean to be rude, I am sure you are very pleasant, but you are dressed like the kind of person my parents insult on the television and I doubt that your wit is going to be appreciated.”

Eleanor shrugged. “I’ll be fine. Tahani made me watch, like, three seasons of the Crown. I know what I’m doing.”

It was a strategic move. Eleanor knew Tahani had already seen and enjoyed the Crown. At the Good Place, Tahani had more than a few selfies with the royal family in her camera roll, and had been quick to tell Eleanor exactly how the TV show had been wrong about them. And Eleanor had watched it with Simone around a year and a half ago, when Simone had had the flu, and then Eleanor had, and then there had been a heatwave bad enough that the university closed.

Eleanor was nothing if not a skilful liar.

Kamilah hummed and fixed Tahani with a stare. The two of them maintained eye contact for a full minute, clearly having the kind of secret conversation that Eleanor had always envied siblings for. It ended with Kamilah putting on a slight smile and nodding. "Alright," she said.

She grabbed Tahani's hand and started to pull her along the corridor. Eleanor jogged a little to catch up. "No sense in delaying the inevitable," Kamilah said, to no one in particular.

The drawing room was exactly how Eleanor would have expected a drawing room to look. She wondered how much of that was genuinely a result of watching the Crown. High ceilings, expensive rugs, walls lined with art, and furniture that reeked of money. It was just as frigid as the rest of the house. Eleanor was quickly realising that this was a key feature of al-Jamil architecture.

There were two sofas facing one another. On the one facing the door, there sat a handsome bearded man that Eleanor assumed had to be Larry. Kamilah sat down there on the opposite side, smiling quickly at Larry. He caught sight of Eleanor and Tahani and waved to them enthusiastically.

"Tahani! Eleanor!" he said, jumping up. He enfolded Tahani in a tight hug before offering Eleanor the same courtesy. "Good luck," he whispered in her ear as they broke apart. His voice was thickly accented and it sounded as though he was trying not to laugh.

"Who on Earth is Eleanor?" said another voice. A woman's, this time. The two heads on the sofa facing away from them turned slowly towards the door. Eleanor was reminded a little of a horror movie.

However, when Tahani's parents turned around, with matching expressions of shock and horror on their faces, Eleanor had to hold back a giggle. This was almost fun.

Tahani gave her an elbow in the ribs when she heard Eleanor’s half-snort. But really, it was impossible not to laugh at least a little.

She was about to eat lunch with these people, who were actual millionaires. And their world famous wunderkind daughter. And an actual Hemsworth. And, of course, literally the hottest woman Eleanor had ever met in her life - and that was saying something, because she had met Rihanna - who she was rapidly falling for.

Really, the whole situation was so absurd that Eleanor would have laughed even without the palpable tension that settled on the room the second the al-Jamils laid eyes on Eleanor and Tahani. That was really just the icing on the cake.

"Waqas and Manisha," Eleanor said, putting on her most confident smile. She could already tell that these were the kind of people who expected to be addressed as sir and madam.” Lovely to meet you." She bobbed down in a quick curtsy.

Larry made a noise that sounded suspiciously like a snort, but Manisha glared at him and he quickly turned it into a cough. He whispered something to Tahani that sounded like "guess she wasn't kidding about watching the Crown," before going to sit back down next to Kamilah.

"Tahani, who is this?" Manisha said, contempt obvious in her tone. "I don't suppose you have invited a homeless person in need to our family lunch?"

Tahani made a show of gasping. "Mother! That is unspeakably rude." She turned to Eleanor and tenderly tucked a stray lock of her hair behind her ear. "I do apologise, darling. It has simply been a while since I have brought a date to Christmas. I suppose they have forgotten their manners.”

"Tahani, is this a joke?" Waqas said, his voice a low rumble. "I would not have thought you would stoop so low as to hire a date, but I suppose I should not be surprised after last year's debacle."

"Mother invited Jason, Father," Tahani said. “And I did not hire Eleanor. Please, give me some credit. Eleanor is my girlfriend, and I'd thank you to be respectful to her." She offered a hand to Eleanor. "Come, darling, let us sit down. You must get to know the family."

"Merry Christmas," Eleanor said to Tahani's parents, taking her hand and letting Tahani bring her over to the sofa. Tahani went to sit down between her parents, but Eleanor decided she would rather die than allow that to happen.

She gently pushed Tahani in the chest and forced her to sit down between Larry and Kamilah instead. She then perched herself directly on Tahani's lap and turned to her parents with a beaming smile.

If looks could kill.

Larry and Kamilah were both smothering giggles. Manisha and Waqas looked absolutely scandalised.

"There is plenty of space for everybody to sit comfortably," Waqas said, indicating to the spot next to him. "There is no need for the two of you to play at lap dancing.”

"Don't worry," Eleanor said, smiling. "I'm perfectly comfortable here." She leant her head back so that it was nuzzling Tahani's chin.

It was certainly not the moment for Eleanor to think about how natural it all felt. Sitting on Tahani's lap, leaning on her, how comfortable she felt. She chose to ignore those feelings by tilting her head up to capture Tahani's lips. It was perfect.

"Very well," Waqas said. The words sounded bitter, as if it was difficult for him to spit them out. "May I serve either of you a drink?"

"Do you guys do margaritas?" Eleanor asked. Waqas looked at her like she'd grown a second head. "Okay, no. I'll have whatever she's having."

"Red for me, please," Tahani said. Waqas poured two measures of a wine that probably cost more than Eleanor's apartment into crystal glasses that probably were worth more than her. He handed them to Tahani and Eleanor, who clinked them together.

"I suppose you'll be careful with the good glasses," Waqas said, eyeing Eleanor.

"Merry Christmas, my love," Eleanor said to Tahani, ignoring him. She turned to focus on Manisha and Waqas. "It's nice to finally meet you guys. I hope you’re as wonderful as Tahani is.”

Eleanor felt Tahani's blush against her collarbone.

Manisha sniffed. "Wonderful is a stretch. She has, after all, hired a lumberjack to bring home for Christmas."

There was a short pause, where Tahani glared daggers at her mother, and Kamilah and Larry exchanged a glance that was in equal parts humour and concern.

“Um. So. How did you two meet?” Larry said, diffusing the tension. “I for one would love to know how Tahani found a girlfriend.”

“There is no girlfriend,” Manisha said. “The girlfriend is entirely fictional. I do not know where Tahani found her, but- “

“What are you on about?” Eleanor asked. She did her best to seem offended. Tahani had warned her they might have to diffuse suspicion.

“Please ignore them,” Tahani said, playing along. “My mother is being very rude, and it is mortifying.”

“I mean, I know for sure that Tahani has been seeing someone for a while,” Larry said, jumping in, much to Eleanor’s relief. “I met Eleanor a month or so ago. They were simply waiting to see if it stuck before telling too many people. I can tell you for sure that Tahani didn't hire Eleanor especially for today.”

Waqas looked scandalised. Eleanor wasn’t sure which would be worse for him: Eleanor turning out to be an escort or Tahani having actually fallen for her.

“Well, I know almost nothing about you,” Kamilah said, getting the conversation back on track. “Tahani kept you quite the secret. How did you meet one another?”

"We met six months ago," Eleanor said immediately. "Tahani came to the shop I work at for a drink."

"She insulted my taste in coffee and served me entirely the wrong beverage," Tahani said affectionately. "Then she had the audacity to write her number on my cup."

"Well, you called it," Eleanor said. "So clearly you liked my coffee choice well enough. She smiled at Waqas and Manisha. "You clearly didn't raise your daughter very well. She drinks frappuccinos way too often."

"Or maybe you should just accept that your coffee could wake the dead," Tahani said. Eleanor snorted.

Larry looked almost impressed. Eleanor supposed he hadn't expected them to be so convincing. Of course, it helped that Eleanor was genuinely attracted to Tahani. Not that that was a good thing. Or a thing. Certainly not. Nope. That was absurd. And-

Anyway.

"Perhaps Eleanor ought to get changed," Manisha said, looking her up and down. "I hardly think that this is appropriate attire for our walk."

Eleanor looked at her with her best "what the fuck" expression. "I would have thought I was the person best dressed to go tramp through some fields." She looked around at the heels on the women, and the formal tuxedos on the men. Eleanor realised, with a sort of grotesque satisfaction, that this was simply another way the al-Jamils paraded themselves around the area, showing off their wealth. ”Anyway, I think I'll take a rain check on the walk. We had a long journey. I'd rather stay."

"I will stay with her," Tahani said.

"I will not allow it," Waqas said at once. "You must join us. I will not have you avoiding a family tradition to play house with your escort."

Eleanor turned her head under the pretence of nuzzling Tahani's neck. "If you want to go, I'll come," she whispered. Tahani gave a shiver, presumably at the feeling of Eleanor's hot breath on her cool skin. The al-Jamils kept this place well air-conditioned, which wasn't strictly necessary in late December.

She felt Tahani shake her head, and she increased the tone of her voice for the benefit of her parents. "I'm not an escort," she said irritably. "We've just spent the last four hours driving here. We're tired. Give us a chance to freshen up before lunch.”

“I will stay with them,” Larry said. He shot an apologetic look at Kamilah. “It would be good to get to know Eleanor. And it has been a while since Tahani and I have seen one another... face to face.”

This was clearly a trump card, because Waqas relented immediately. “Well, I suppose if Larry would be joining you…”

“I’ll wait here as well,” Kamilah said. “To keep an eye on them. Wouldn’t want my sister getting married to Larry or Eleanor in my absence.” The tone was clearly a joke, but Manisha's and Waqas’ expressions still morphed into those of disgust.

Eleanor had to hand it to them. Kamilah and Larry knew exactly how to play the game.

“Very well,” Manisha said. “We will leave now. We will be back in approximately two hours. I trust you will behave yourselves.” Her eyes bored into Eleanor’s.

“Might be hard,” Eleanor said, unable to resist one last dig. “Tahani’s very difficult to behave around.”

“Idiot,” Tahani muttered into her ear, but Eleanor felt the stifled laugh.

After Tahani's parents had left, it felt like the temperature in the house had warmed by several degrees. Larry and Kamilah relocated to the other sofa. Eleanor slid off Tahani's lap, but kept herself nestled into her side. Tahani reached an arm round her back, and Eleanor settled into her grip.

"Drinks?" Larry asked. He grinned at Eleanor. "They do have the stuff for margaritas. If that would interest you."

Eleanor grinned right back. "Always. Hit me, Hemsworth."

"One for me too," Tahani said. "Eleanor has rather converted me."

"Kamilah?" Larry asked.

Kamilah shook her head and held up her wineglass. "Unfortunately, I do not have an escort to alter my taste in drinks. I will stick with the wine."

While Larry was mixing the drinks, Tahani turned to Eleanor. "That reminds me, actually. I really do apologise for my parents' behaviour. I know I warned you that there might be some suspicion, but I certainly did not expect... that."

"It's okay," Eleanor said reassuringly. She could tell that Tahani's apology was genuine. "Like I said, I've seen the Crown. I know what I'm dealing with."

"I guess that explains the curtsey," Larry said, handing a margarita to Tahani and Eleanor. "Though referring to Mr and Mrs al-Jamil by their first names does make me wonder if you've got a death wish."

"Not my fault if they're frigid assholes," Eleanor said bluntly. "Anyway, if they're going to accuse me of being an escort, I think I should be allowed to call them something rude as well."

"They are frigid assholes," Kamilah agreed. She kicked off her high heels and reached her legs out to rest her feet on Larry's lap.

Larry mock gasped, and put on a posh British accent. "Terrible manners, Kamilah. Goodness me. We should have you taken to the Tower of London."

"Allow me to share a cell with Eleanor," Kamilah said. "I am sure she will have been deported there by the end of the day by Mother or Father." She paused. “Pardon me for asking, Eleanor, why on Earth you would choose to come here for Christmas? Perhaps Mother and Father would have relented on making Tahani come if she had been meeting the parents of a potential husband."

"Eleanor is a woman, if you are at all interested," Tahani said dryly. "Somehow, I doubt that Mother would have allowed me to miss her precious luncheon to go meet Eleanor's family."

"My parents aren't exactly party material either," Eleanor said. “I’m pretty sure my dad’s dead and my mom’s playing house for now with her nerd boyfriend and his daughter. She faked her death.” She tilted her head to one side. “Actually, come to think of it, there’s a solid chance my dad faked his death, too. Seems to run in the family.” She raised her glass. “Merry Christmas.”

“Well, you’ve met Tahani and Kamilah’s delightful parents,” Larry said, “and mine don’t like me enough to admit that I’m actually related to them. Or have me in their house. Looks like we’ve got some bonding experiences going down here.”

“Here’s to having shitty parents,” Kamilah said, raising her glass in a mock toast.

“I can certainly drink to that,” Tahani said, laughing and clinking their glasses together.

After a short pause, Kamilah spoke again. "So. Eleanor. You and Tahani are the real deal, it seems." It was a statement, rather than a question. Eleanor felt a little pride at having been so convincing, but, at the same time, Kamilah seemed genuinely nice, and she felt bad for lying to her.

"We are," Tahani confirmed, speaking for her. "Six months."

"It's a good thing I didn't plan on proposing today, then," Larry said, laughing. "My parents implied heavily that you might like a wedding for Christmas. I'm thinking that Eleanor might have objected."

"You would be right," Eleanor said. She put her head on Tahani's shoulder. She smelt amazing. Eleanor kicked herself for noticing that. "Tahani's mine. Forever."

"Perhaps you should buy me a wedding for Christmas," Tahani teased.

Eleanor snorted. "Your parents would shoot me on sight, babe."

"Well, then Tahani and I could be together," Larry said. He blew a kiss to Tahani and raised his glass again. "Here's to marrying your taken lesbian best friend."

Kamilah and Eleanor took a long drink, but Tahani didn't. "That's hardly something I can drink to, Larry, darling. If you were a lesbian, then perhaps you would have a chance."

"Not while the lumberjack's in the picture," Kamilah said. She tilted her head to one side, sizing Eleanor up. "She is just adorably pocket-sized, isn't she?"

"You're too kind," Eleanor deadpanned. "It's not my fault that I'm dating a beanstalk."

"I believe you chose this," Tahani said. "And a fine decision it was, too." Eleanor craned her neck at a very uncomfortable angle to meet Tahani's eyes. Her pupils were dilated. Eleanor couldn't help the flush in her cheeks.

Larry coughed, and Eleanor snapped her head back, breaking out of her trance. Kamilah was grinning. Eleanor was sure that Tahani and herself were wearing matching embarrassed expressions.

"I say," Kamilah said suddenly, "why doesn't Tahani show you her childhood bedroom? Wouldn't you like to see the place where she spent eighteen years?"

"Oh, I don't know," Tahani said. "I'm sure that Eleanor is wholly uninterested-“

"No, it sounds fun," Eleanor said quickly. Of course she was curious. Who wouldn't want to see where their girlfriend grew up?

Fake girlfriend. Fuck, she was bad at this.

"Are you sure you're okay with us leaving you?" Tahani said to Larry and Kamilah. "I would hate for you to think me impolite."

"No, no, we're fine," Larry said. There was a cunning glint in his eye. "Go, explore. We'll be here."

Eleanor didn't have to be asked twice. She leapt out of her seat, offered Tahani her hand and pulled her up too. The margaritas were left on the side table. Eleanor made sure not to use a coaster. The very least she could do was leave Manisha and Waqas with some nice moisture marks for when they returned.

Tahani led her up a spiral staircase. The dark oak banisters and red carpet made Eleanor feel like an eighteenth century monarch. The house exuded grandeur.

"My bedroom is on the third floor," Tahani explained, when they passed the second floor landing. "Kamilah's is on the second, but she will have locked it. She does not want anyone to see the number of One Direction posters she has hung up there."

"And you don't mind me seeing your posters?" Eleanor joked, turning onto the second staircase.

Tahani shrugged. "A good girlfriend would not mind if, hypothetically, I had pictures of, for example, Star Wars, on my walls."

Eleanor gasped exaggeratedly and covered her mouth. "Tahani, were you a nerd?”

"Were?" Tahani said dryly. "I am afraid to say that is not necessarily a phase I outgrew. And I prefer the term woman of taste."

"Sure," Eleanor said. "God, Chidi would love you. When we get back home, you should come and meet him."

Eleanor mentally kicked herself when she realised what she'd said. Of course Tahani wouldn't meet Chidi. Tahani would go back to her fabulous life in her fabulous house and find some other person to bring home for Christmas next year.

Tahani seemed to pick up on the sudden shift in the air and squeezed Eleanor's hand. "I would like that a lot," she said softly.

There was no time to ponder what Tahani had said, because they stopped outside a white door. The name "Tahani" had been engraved into it in loopy gold cursive. "We have arrived," Tahani said.

"No way," Eleanor said. "I thought this was a toilet."

"Aren't you just a barrel of laughs today," Tahani said. "Go on. Take a look. But no teasing."

"Even about the hypothetical Star Wars poster?"

"Especially about the hypothetical Star Wars poster."

Eleanor swung the door open with a huff and then gasped as the room was revealed.

The room was, of course, furnished expensively. That was to be expected. There was a fourposter bed, a desk that probably cost more than Eleanor earned in a year. A dressing table with an ornate mirror. And yet something about the room was so... Tahani. Every single thing in that room ached of her.

Hundreds of stamp-sized pictures of small animals joined the Star Wars poster on one wall. Some were photographed on Polaroid film, some were sketched. A corkboard above the desk displayed photos of a teenage Tahani with Larry or Kamilah, mostly selfies that had clearly been printed on regular paper rather than as proper photos.

The room as a whole had the immaculate colour scheme that Eleanor would have expected. After all, she had seen plenty of Tahani's outfits. They were almost startlingly cohesive. Turquoise cushions littered the bed. A fluffy blue rug was sprawled on the floor next to a forest green stool. White lacy curtains fluttered in a light breeze.

"What do you think?" Tahani asked. Eleanor was unable to keep the expression of awe off her face. "Kamilah and I were permitted to decorate our rooms however we liked, because nobody really comes up here except for the help."

"It's amazing," Eleanor said, genuinely. "It's like looking inside your mind."

Tahani's face broke out into such a wide smile that Eleanor was almost entirely consumed by the urge to kiss her. "Thank you!" she said, enthusiastic as Eleanor had ever heard her. She started bouncing around the room, pointing out little trinkets and photos that she associated with one memory or another.

Eleanor followed her blindly, soaking up everything she could learn about Tahani. A jewellery box filled with plastic toys that she'd kept from school Christmas crackers. A snow globe that her grandmother had given her. An ivory elephant. A locket with Kamilah's face inside and a bird engraved on the front.

That reminded her of something. She turned to the wall with the Star Wars poster.” I love this wall," Eleanor said, pointing to the drawings and photos.

"I loved animals when I was younger," Tahani said. "I never had a proper camera, Father wouldn't allow it, but I bought a Polaroid second hand from a thrift shop when I was ten and spent all my spare time in the garden." She smiled fondly and touched a picture of a robin. "I was not very good, naturally, but it was fun."

Eleanor snorted. She had to be joking. "Tahani, these are beautiful. You make them look so delicate. It's incredible work. You had a real talent.”

Tahani looked bashful, and Eleanor thought briefly about how beautiful she was. "Well. Thank you," she said.

She pointed to her shelf, where there sat what Eleanor thought was a bronze bowling pin. "This is a bird," she said, answering Eleanor's next question. "The first animal I ever drew was a bird. It had a hat. Kamilah made this sculpture to outdo me." She paused. "It is one of the earliest times I remember our parents pitting us against one another."

"Just the kind of thing I'd want in my room, then," Eleanor said. "Nothing like the reminder of how my parents tried to screw up the relationship I had with my sister to lull me to sleep at night."

Tahani laughed and touched it fondly with her fingertips. "Kamilah has my drawing. Framed in her room. I gave it to her for her birthday three years ago. She gave me the sculpture for Christmas that very same year." She smiled. "It took us a while to become close. Our parents actively discouraged it for most of our lives. It was... nice. To change that."

She unclenched her hand to reveal the locket. "Kamilah gave me this too when she gifted me the sculpture. She always was rather self-centred. Gifting me a locket with her own photograph in it." But Tahani's tone was fond.

Eleanor's chest felt filled with affection in a way that she was quite unaccustomed to. Everything about Tahani was so beautiful and wonderful and she didn’t know what to do with the thought of that.

So, she did what any sane person would do in that situation, and reached her hand round the nape of Tahani's neck to pull her in and kiss her furiously.

After all, that pent-up emotion had to go somewhere.

The kiss was messy and desperate and far too raw for a relationship that was doomed to last only a day. When they broke apart, they were both panting.

"Why?" Tahani asked simply. Her eyes were still focussed on Eleanor's lips. She had beautiful eyes, deep brown and thoughtful. How had Eleanor never noticed that before?

Eleanor opened her mouth to speak, but didn't bother to form words, pulling Tahani in again.

The kisses now were less hasty, but none of the desperation from earlier had gone. Eleanor kissed Tahani like she was water in a desert. Almost without Eleanor noticing, Tahani had started to unbutton her shirt.

Throughout all the jokes about being a lumberjack, Eleanor had been indifferent, but there was something completely frustrating about the buttons that made Eleanor wish she'd worn something more easily removed. But finally, she shrugged it off and stood there, topless, in Tahani's childhood bedroom.

She just had time to form the coherent idea that she was ferociously making out in front of tiny innocent little woodland creatures, before lust took over her brain and all thoughts vanished.

Removing Tahani's dress was out of the question, so Eleanor moved her hands up into Tahani's hair. The energy between them was electric.

The knock on the door came just in time for Eleanor to tear her head away from where it rested on Tahani’s chest, so that the position they were in didn’t appear too compromising, but the fact remained that she was completely topless, Tahani’s immaculate hair was bouffant and both of them were panting and bright-eyed.

The door swung open and revealed Kamilah, with the most shit-eating grin Eleanor had ever seen on her face.

"Kamilah!" Tahani hissed. She looked mortified. Kamilah, however, simply looked gleeful. Eleanor was trying hard to keep her face from looking mutinous. After all, she had just been interrupted in what was possibly the best make-out session of her life.

"I was unaware that you two were so... busy," Kamilah said, still smirking. "I simply came up here to alert you that Mother and Father have returned from their walk, and you are expected for lunch in ten minutes. But I see that Tahani has decided to pull a Rhonda Mumps on you, Eleanor.”

Eleanor was baffled, but Tahani’s death glare was enough to prevent her from asking questions.

"Kamilah," Tahani hissed again. "Go away. Tell Mother and Father that we will be down for lunch.”

"Alright," Kamilah said. She pointed to her lips. "Do fix your lipstick, darling sister. Eleanor appears to have stolen some of it." Eleanor rubbed her mouth with the back of her hand, and, sure enough, a red stain remained. A bubble of laughter was rising inside her. She felt unbelievably light. "Larry is going to be ecstatic." She closed the door and left Tahani and Eleanor inside, nervously smiling at each other.

"So. That was nice," Eleanor said. "More than nice. I see what you meant when you said you found it impossible to kiss badly.”

"Thank you," Tahani said stiffly. She put her head in her hands. Her shoulders shook with laughter. "Oh, this is a royal mess, isn't it?" Eleanor was inclined to agree. Tahani nodded at the floor. "I suggest you put your shirt back on," she said.

"Right. Yeah," Eleanor said, pulling it on, a little disappointed. She supposed there was nothing to be done about it. Kamilah was in theory now her official enemy for ruining the moment, but Eleanor couldn't deny that there was a kind of fun in sneaking around with Tahani, like a teenager with a crush. “What’s a Rhonda Mumps?”

Tahani sighed. “Oh, just a silly Hallowe’en costume I wore one year. Rhonda was an American hot dog salesman with... shall we say a penchant for sticking the hot dogs where hot dogs should not be stuck."

Eleanor choked. "I'm sorry?"

Tahani shrugged. "Kamilah and I have been into Hallowe'en ever since we went to Heidi Klum's birthday bash in 2017. You can imagine how Rhonda might apply in this context. But I suppose if we're bringing up alter egos, I’m just glad that she didn’t choose to bring up Scarlett Pakistan.”

E“Another Hallowe’en costume?”

Tahani sat down in front of the mirror, retouching her makeup. “Book character,” she said, absent-mindedly. “Based off me. Compared my legs to Jessica Rabbit, which would have been flattering if the author hadn’t been such an asshole.” She pursed her lips. “You really have destroyed my lipstick," she said, reaching for the tube.

Eleanor scuttled over to sit next to her. "Let me," she said, plucking the tube from her hands. Slowly, she swiped the wand over Tahani's lips. She overshot slightly and used her thumb to wipe the excess away from the side of her mouth.

Tahani's eyes were dark. "If we had met under different circumstances," Tahani said in a low tone, "I rather think I would have thought some quite improper thoughts about you, Eleanor Shellstrop."

"I'm thinking them about you under these circumstances," Eleanor said, her voice equally low. She shook her head to break herself out of her trance. "Come on. We've got to have lunch."

"Or we could stay up here forever," Tahani said. 

Eleanor sighed. "Much as I'd love to, remember that you only invited me because you had no way of escaping this." She kissed Tahani's nose. "And maybe when lunch is over, we can sneak back up here like stupid horny teenagers and finish what we started."

Tahani let out a strangled sort of laugh. "Eleanor, you are a tease."

The first thing Eleanor thought as she walked down the stairs was that nobody except Tahani al-Jamil could make the word tease sound quite so attractive.

The second was that nobody except Tahani al-Jamil could be so attractive.

And the third was that she was maybe, royally, totally, fucked.

Chapter Text

Tahani's brain was a cocktail of grim horror at the thought of what was coming, and complete, unabashed delight at what had just happened in her bedroom. She couldn't reconcile the two, and it made for a very confusing journey back to the drawing room.

When they appeared, Larry and Kamilah were both smirking at one another and looking completely thrilled. They were many things, but they were not subtle. Manisha and Waqas, on the other hand, looked disgusted. Tahani clutched Eleanor's hand like the lifeline it probably was, and sat down next to Kamilah on the sofa, opposite her parents and Larry. Eleanor perched comfortably on her lap again.

"There they are," Waqas said, his tone scathing. "My daughter, and the woman who was defiling her while she should have been downstairs entertaining our guest."

Eleanor strategically slid right back off her lap. It was probably for the best.

"I was okay with Kamilah," Larry said, being completely ignored by the al-Jamils.

Eleanor laughed at Waqas. She was brave, Tahani knew, and that was an extremely desirable trait to have during Christmas lunch. “It seems like Larry and Kamilah were fine without us," she said. "We're all here. We're all alive. And I'm starving."

"It's probably from all the defiling," Kamilah said.

Tahani felt heat rise in her cheeks. "What did you tell them, Kamilah?" she hissed to her sister, quiet enough that only she could hear.

"Nothing," Kamilah said, sounding as though she was trying not to laugh. "I just made sure they knew that you and Eleanor had been entertained in their absence, and that there was absolutely no chance that you had hired her just for the day.” She lowered her voice to a mock-conspiratorial whisper. “You know. Because of the defiling."

"Stop calling it defiling," Tahani muttered. Kamilah let out a sharp exhale that resembled a laugh.

"Girls, stop whispering," Manisha said haughtily. "It really is terrible manners.”

“I apologise,” Tahani said at once. She decided to change the subject before she and Eleanor could be subjected to any further conversation about this issue. For one thing, Tahani wasn’t entirely sure she was ready to discuss it herself. “Shall we go through to the dining room? Lunch smells delicious.”

The dining table was a lot larger than necessary for six people, so nobody sat at the heads of it. Eleanor, Tahani and Kamilah sat on one side, while Larry, Waqas and Manisha took the other. Tahani was sure that this was not the seating plan her parents had had in mind, but Eleanor had sat down next to her before anyone could object. Tahani could not say that she was not pleased.

The maid brought in large bowls of salad. Kamilah mimed gagging. She had never been a fan of the salad course.

"Don't be rude, Kamilah," Waqas said, though his tone was a little fond. Tahani pushed back the surge of bitterness that always emerged when Kamilah was being so obviously favoured and reached for the tongs. Despite everything, Tahani had never quite shaken off the desire for her parents' approval.

"Looks good, Mr and Mrs AJ," Eleanor said. If it was possible, Tahani's parents looked even more infuriated than when Eleanor had called them by their first names. It was all far too common. It was a miracle one of them hadn't had an aneurysm yet.

"Well, it might to you," Manisha said. "I assume you are not used to food of this class in whatever backstreet Tahani found you in."

Eleanor looked at her with an expression of utter disbelief on her face and paused midway through serving lettuce into her salad bowl. "It's lettuce. Right? I'm familiar. You probably haven't had some of the food that I like. I bet you don't even know what a Cheeto is."

Tahani snorted at Manisha's embarrassed expression. "Please stop that guffawing, Tahani. It is dreadfully unladylike," Manisha said. She looked at Tahani's bowl and sniffed. "And please, dear, think of your figure."

Eleanor's expression of disbelief returned, and she opened her mouth as if to protest, but Tahani laid a hand on her arm. She met Eleanor’s eyes and gave her a half-smile. It’s fine. Some battles weren’t there to be won. Eleanor looked like she was about to argue, but eventually focussed back on her salad, which she ate with completely the wrong fork and somehow also a teaspoon. Tahani smothered a laugh. Manisha looked mutinous.

Larry and Waqas were already engaged in some conversation that had Larry's face twisting into a grimace. Tahani felt guilty for not sitting next to him - Christmas wasn’t ever pleasant for him either. He ate with the al-Jamils because he was friends with Tahani and had nowhere else to go, but they never failed to remind him constantly of their generosity and hospitality. Manisha, on the other hand, commented on how much Tahani was eating twice more while they were still on the salad course. By the third incident, Eleanor was practically vibrating in her seat, and Larry looked mutinous - or as mutinous as he was capable of looking. Kamilah kept her head down and stayed as silent as ever. The fury in Eleanor’s eyes was palpable, and Tahani didn’t have the heart to tell her that her parents were barely beginning.

The maid arrived to take away the bowls, much to Tahani's relief. One course down, three to go. In just a few hours, the meal and the presents and the drinks would all be done and Tahani could focus on getting home. With Eleanor. She dearly hoped that their friendship would outlast the night.

She slightly hoped that their romantic relationship would outlast the night, too. Eleanor was attracted to her, that much was obvious. And Tahani was attracted back. It was becoming harder to differentiate between what was part of the act they were putting on and what was borne of genuine affection for one another.

Almost as a test, Tahani linked her hand with Eleanor's under the table. Eleanor gripped it tightly.

The pauses between courses were always excruciating, and this one was no different. The warm weight of Eleanor's hand in hers helped somewhat, but Waqas had turned his attention away from Larry to address Tahani.

It quickly became clear that he had been talking to Larry about marriage, because the topic was evidently on his mind. He started reciting a list of all the things Tahani was doing wrong in her search for a husband with a barrage of thinly veiled insults that did nothing to improve the general mood of the table.

"Do you have a point here?" Larry said, finally snapping. His tone was polite and measured, ever the gentleman, but his speaking up was courageous in itself. The combination of his own and Tahani's berating had clearly been the straw that broke the camel's back.

"All I am saying," Waqas said, "is that Tahani should be focussing her energy on finding a suitable husband and continuing the al-Jamil lineage."

"Alright, Gilead," Eleanor muttered. Kamilah had clearly heard, and muffled a half-chuckle in her napkin. Eleanor, who was visbily becoming more and more incensed, raised her tone a little so that Waqas could hear her. "I'm right here," she said. Her tone was cold and furious. Earlier on, it had had a note of humour. Even when Tahani's parents had been accusing her of being an escort, Eleanor had seemed to be almost entertained. All semblance of that had vanished now. The bitterness in her tone contrasted starkly with the gentleness with which she held Tahani's hand.

Manisha gave a laugh that was filled with condescension. "I think what my husband is saying, my dear, is that you are not exactly a serious relationship for my daughter.”

Tahani protested immediately. "Eleanor is very dear to me, Mother. Of course she is serious."

"She may be dear to you, darling," Manisha said, "but you always have been... fickle. In a few weeks, you will have deserted her for some other person you have decided will be suitable torment for us, and after that, I hope you will have come to your senses."

"I do not date to seek your approval, Mother," Tahani said. It wasn't strictly true. She had been dating men her entire life purely to please her parents. But she couldn't help but think that after today, no one she brought home could be worse to her parents than Eleanor. She was on track to gain a little more freedom. Unless, of course, she could keep her.

She pushed that thought down and did her best to ignore it. Thinking about that simply would not do.

"I'm sorry," Eleanor said, not sounding very sorry at all, "but you're going to be disappointed if you think me and Tahani are going to break up soon." She turned to Tahani. Her words were still addressed with Tahani's parents in mind, but they were spoken to Tahani, eye contact unbroken. "I'm in it for the long haul," she said. "You two have an amazing daughter, and I want to get to know every single thing about her." The despite what you want went unsaid, but it was obvious to Tahani what Eleanor was implying. "I'm going to keep coming back here, year after year, and eating your posh-person fucking lettuce with my girlfriend. Because I love her."

Tahani could feel a wetness in her eyes. Eleanor's appeared a little red too. Those words hadn't been addressed to Tahani al-Jamil, who had hired Eleanor Shellstrop to ruin her parents' Christmas lunch. Those words had just been said to Tahani, by Eleanor. It felt as though all the cloaks and daggers and pretences had been discarded, leaving in their place nothing but softness.

Tahani leaned forwards and kissed Eleanor with the most tenderness she could possibly muster. Her lips felt like coming home.

There was nothing inappropriate about the kiss in itself, but it lasted far longer than would have been deemed normal. Waqas cleared his throat, and they jumped apart, as though electrocuted. Tahani could feel lightning in her bones.

"Perhaps," Manisha said coldly, "Waqas and Tahani ought to switch seats. It would be very inconvenient if the soup were to be interrupted by another of these... displays."

“Oh, lord, not in front of the soup,” Eleanor muttered.

Tahani was about to protest the move, but Waqas had already stood up and was nudging Tahani out of her chair.

Absently, Tahani thought that she and Eleanor had actually ended up succeeding at their original mission. Waqas and Manisha were watching their Christmas lunch descend into chaos. But none of that mattered anymore. Nothing mattered except Eleanor. It was impossible to think of anything else.

She sat down between Manisha and Larry with a loud sigh, and turned her entire torso towards Larry, blocking out her mother. With anybody else, it would have been completely impolite, but her mother would not mind as long as she and Larry were talking.

Larry's expression was a combination of amusement and awe. "How much of that was part of the act?" he asked. His tone was genuine, but Tahani had no real answer.

"In all honesty," Tahani said, pouring herself a top up from the bottle of red in the middle of the table, "I don't know anymore."

Larry smiled at her. "I'm happy that you found someone who talks about you like that," he said. "You deserve it. Really." Tahani went to speak, but he held up his hand. "Don't argue with me. She likes you back. Anyone can see it. She's been staring at you with the worst heart eyes ever since you got here."

"I'm not sure about that," Tahani said. She wasn't. Eleanor had an attraction, that much was clear, but Tahani was unsure if it was just desire, or if the depth of connection that she had begun to feel was mutual.

Larry looked frustrated. "I am," he said. "Kamilah is, too. The way the two of you look at each other is sickening." He gestured at Waqas, who had involved Eleanor in some sort of rousing discussion that had her looking bored out of her mind. "Look at your parents. Do you really think they'd be being this rude to her if they weren't convinced that the two of you are for real? They're trying to scare her off."

Tahani snorted in spite of herself. "They can try all they like. Eleanor will not be scared. She is a force of nature." She tried to stop herself from smiling at the thought of her, but Larry caught it anyway.

"See?" he said, pointing to her face. "You're acting like a teenager with a crush. It would be adorable if it wasn't so bloody annoying."

Tahani opened her mouth to reply, and shut it again. She had no idea what to say. Larry was right that she had fallen for Eleanor, hook, line, and sinker. But Tahani wasn't quite sure that she was brave enough to ask Eleanor if she wanted to pursue anything after today, because she wasn't quite sure if Eleanor would say yes. She didn't think that she would be able to handle the rejection.

Mercifully, the soup arrived before Tahani could spiral too much further. She busied herself with attacking it. There were many flaws in the al-Jamil Christmas lunch, but the actual taste of the food was not one of them. And, incredibly, Manisha seemed to have exhausted her arsenal of food-themed insults to aim at Tahani, so she could eat in relative peace. The occasional comment about her lack of success in life was still shot in her direction whenever the conversation dried up, but as long as Tahani and Larry kept talking about whatever mundane thing crossed their minds, she was free from her parents' taunts.

Eleanor, meanwhile, was successfully angering Waqas in whatever ways she could think of. She seemed to have worked out quite quickly where his week spots were, and there was something entertaining about his fuming. Tahani thought back to the advertisement Eleanor had published - it had, indeed, mentioned political discussion. Her father was muttering darkly about socialism and the woke youth into his plate.

"I am sure that Larry would never make such a comment," Kamilah said mockingly. Tahani kicked her under the table. Sometimes she wondered if younger sisters existed purely to cause problems.

Larry held his hands up. "Don't bring me into this," he said. His tone was light, but there was an element of warning in there. Tahani appreciated him for that. The last thing she wanted was for another conversation about their potential marriage to emerge. She only had a few more gentle dismissals of the idea left in her before she imploded.

"What a shame," Eleanor said. Her tone made it sound like she didn't think it was a shame at all. "This is great soup, Mom and Pops. My compliments to the chef."

Waqas' look of rage amplified even further, but Eleanor was very obviously avoiding looking up, instead electing to keep her head low and smirk into her bowl of soup.

"It is my favourite kind," Tahani said, in an attempt to steer the topic of conversation away from anything that might cause an outright war. 

Eleanor winked. “Should’ve known you’d have great taste, sugartits,” she said. There was a mischievous glint in her eye. Clearly, she’d been emboldened by whatever comment she’d made. “Leek and potato’s my favourite too.”

There was no harm in playing along a little, Tahani decided. So, she gave Eleanor the soppiest smile she could twist her face into, and reached a hand across the table. Eleanor took it, mirth twinkling in her eyes. "Oh, my darling pumpkin," she said, "romance truly is real!" She brought up a finger and booped Eleanor's nose.

"You booped me!" Eleanor said. She sounded genuinely thrilled. Tahani forced herself to remember that it was all part of the act. "I can't believe I just got booped by my very own sexy girlfriend."

"Would you watch your language?" Manisha snapped at Eleanor. "This is a formal dinner."

Eleanor leant back again and held her hands up in surrender. "Sorry," she said. "I thought I was just meeting the family of my girlfriend rather than the actual President, but, you know, I guess he's on his way and will join us for dessert." 

The apology sounded appropriately contrite and respectful, but it was clear to everyone how utterly unapologetic Eleanor felt. She leached confidence. Tahani couldn't help but find it devastatingly attractive.

"I'm fucked," she said simply to Larry, when Kamilah had successfully drawn their parents into an awkward conversation that broke the silence.

Larry nodded sympathetically. "I know. Pass the pepper?”

The kiss they had exchanged earlier was still lingering at the front of Tahani's mind as she ate her turkey. And the kiss in the bedroom. And in the IHOP. In all honesty, every single kiss Eleanor had ever gifted Tahani with was playing on simultaneous repeat in her mind, and it was extremely distracting.

Tahani almost regretted ever calling the ad. She had accidentally gotten herself involved in a situation that was far too absurd and far too complicated for comfort. It was almost frustrating that her first proper girlfriend was fictional.

And yet.

The fictional-ness of it all was being brought into question more and more every second. The lust and affection in Eleanor's eyes couldn't purely be a figment of Tahani's imagination. And the sensation of lightness and freedom that Tahani was bathed in any time Eleanor was in the same vicinity as her was impossible to ignore.

Nothing about the situation was perfect. But perfection was overrated anyway and the sharp barbs of her parents were much more easily dispelled from her mind, when the sensation of summertime that Eleanor had created was there to act as a shield.

Tahani just hoped that she hadn't fallen too hard for a woman who had come for a free dinner and wanted nothing more.

Chapter Text

When the al-Jamils finally called time on the main course, and take a break before pudding, Eleanor was so relieved that she let out a loud sigh that attracted her looks of hostility from Tahani's parents and quiet amusement from Kamilah and Larry. But she couldn't help it. She wanted nothing more than to get away from that table.

Eleanor was angry. That was the issue. She had been getting more and more so throughout the lunch, but had been trying to disguise it because Tahani kept discreetly apologising across the table, with an expression of guilt that made it clear that she thought Eleanor was angry because of her, which she wasn't at all.

She didn't mind that Waqas and Manisha regarded her as some sort of sub-human pet project for their daughter. She was well-used to being attacked and insulted. What she minded was that the only time Tahani showed any argument towards her parents' behaviour was when it was directed at Eleanor.

Tahani's parents had spent the whole lunch aiming spiteful barbs at Tahani. Her diet, her figure, her house, her hair, her friends, her lifestyle... there wasn't a single aspect of Tahani that hadn't been criticised and torn apart. They continually reminded her of how much of a failure she was compared to Kamilah. The more time Eleanor spent around the dinner table, the more she understood why Tahani's love for her sister was tinged with resentment.

Honestly, Kamilah wasn't too bad. There was nothing she could have done. That much was clear. Larry, too, seemed okay enough, keeping his head down as much as possible and speaking only when spoken to. Eleanor understood that was how things worked in this house. And yet.

If someone had spoken to Chidi or to Simone like that, she would have strangled them. She would have liked to strangle the al-Jamils, but any time she attempted to protest, Tahani would shoot her a look that made it completely clear that that would do more harm than good. She simply accepted it all with a placidity that reminded Eleanor of why she had called the ad in the first place. Every bite of food was bitter in her mouth.

When they all got up from the table to return to the drawing room for presents and drinks, Eleanor attached herself to Tahani's side. She was determined that they would not be separated again.

"I'm sorry," Tahani whispered. She smiled awkwardly. “That was unpleasant.”

Eleanor fought to keep the cold fury out of her tone. It wasn't Tahani that it was directed at. "Don't be sorry for me. It's not me who's suffering here."

Tahani shrugged. "It could be worse. It has been worse."

"It could be fucking better," Eleanor said. "They have no right to speak to you like that."

Tahani shrugged again. "I am used to it."

Eleanor, again, felt a sense of guilt rising in her stomach. "You shouldn't have to be," she muttered, as they sat down on the sofa. She sat as close as she could to Tahani's side without actually being on top of her. The house was cold and Tahani was warm.

"There is nothing you could have done," Tahani said, picking up on her expression. "Truly. It is fine. And soon it will all be over."

Despite everything, Tahani still had a genuine smile on her face when she spoke to Eleanor. How she managed that was lost on Eleanor, but she decided it was better than the quiet, worn expression she had worn throughout lunch.

Presents were a quick affair, and for that Eleanor was extremely grateful. She had nothing to do except sit there and watch everybody else give their gifts. Chidi often mocked her for being like a child when it came to unwrapping presents, and it was true - Eleanor was bored without having that to occupy their hands.

"Tahani, Eleanor, are you not going to exchange presents?" Kamilah asked. She sounded genuinely curious.

"We will do those tomorrow," Tahani said. She had clearly come with an answer prepared for that question. "We are spending Boxing Day with friends and it seemed rude to do presents without them."

Kamilah seemed to accept this, but Tahani's parents looked unconvinced. "You did not think it rude to exclude us from such an event?" Manisha asked, sounding a little affronted.

"Honestly," Tahani said, "I did not think that you would want to be included."

Suddenly, an idea came to Eleanor. "I did actually get her something for today as well," she said. Tahani looked surprised and a little uneasy, but when she met Eleanor's eyes and saw the barely contained sparkle of humour, she relaxed. Larry looked on in interest as Eleanor pretended to search her pockets for something.

"Where is it... oh yes." She took something out and held it in a fist, before getting down on one knee on the floor. A chorus of gasps echoed around the room, and Waqas jumped out of his seat. Kamilah pulled him back down.

"Do not ruin Tahani's special moment, Father," she whispered, audibly enough that Eleanor heard. She felt grateful that Kamilah cared enough to speak up.

"My darling Tahani," Eleanor said, putting on her most affected voice. "Every moment we have spent together has been a new adventure. So. Would you..."

"Do something," Manisha hissed, nudging Larry hard in the stomach with one elbow.

Larry looked at her with amusement. "Do what? I think this ship has sailed, Manisha."

"Kamilah!" Manisha said, focussing instead on Tahani's sister. Eleanor waited, resting one hand on her heart and not taking her eyes away from Tahani's. It was all she could do not to laugh. "Make your sister see sense."

"Mother," Kamilah said, not moving at all, “what would the fun be in that?”

Eleanor drowned Manisha's protests out by resuming her speech. "Would you do me the greatest honour of my life, by..." She unfurled her hand to reveal a packet of Polo mints. Kamilah and Larry both burst out laughing. "Sharing a mint with me?”

Tahani covered her mouth with both hands and let out a gasp, so enthusiastic that an outsider would have thought she had just won the lottery. "Oh, my darling! Of course I will!" Eleanor took a polo mint from the packet and pressed it onto the very end of Tahani's fingernail.

Manisha and Waqas looked on with absolute mutiny in their eyes as their four guests laughed themselves silly. Kamilah even seemed a little disappointed that Eleanor hadn't been serious, Eleanor noticed, with a sense of triumph that was incredibly misguided given the context.

Eleanor wasn't sure if she had wanted to experience her parents' reaction - which would, admittedly, have undoubtedly been entertaining - or genuinely wanted her sister to get married. Who was to say?

Eleanor, however, chose not to dwell on the thought, instead relishing on the lightness of the mood in the room. It wouldn't last. She knew that very well. But for a moment, it felt almost Christmassy. She made a pact with herself to propose to Tahani at least once a year from now on.

It was an impossible pact, she immediately realised after that thought came to her mind. But that was a problem for later. She pushed all thoughts of the future out of her mind and smiled at Tahani.

"Would you help me fasten this necklace?" Tahani asked, holding up the thin gold chain that Kamilah had gifted her. It had a small hummingbird pendant. Tahani had given her sister a silver bangle with a chain of small birds engraved on it. Clearly, the two of them had kept their thing for bird imagery.

"Sure," Eleanor said. She took the necklace from Tahani's hands and looped it gently around her neck. Her fingers brushed against the nape of Tahani's neck as she moved her hair out of the way. Her hair was soft and curled slightly. It was the kind of hair that Eleanor would send pictures of to Chidi whenever she saw them online, because he didn't have much hair and she enjoyed making him jealous.

God, she could use some advice from him now. Or, even better, some advice from Simone, who was marginally less likely to force her to listen to a five minute long thought experiment, of which the message was usually "tell her how you feel and see where it goes."

The whole pantomime of fastening the clasp was far too sensual for Eleanor, and she found her hands shaking a little as she tried to connect the ends. She couldn't help but think that necklace clasps were far too small. All it did was cause problems.

She was so absorbed in her task that she barely registered the ringing of the doorbell. There were voices in the hallway as she successfully managed to make the necklace stay on, but neither she nor Tahani made any move to go investigate. Tahani didn't even turn around. Eleanor played with the ends of her hair, twisting them into tiny braids. It was altogether far too domestic.

However, after what felt like no time at all, Jeff appeared at the door to the drawing room with a brown-haired woman a little older than Eleanor and Tahani next to him. Tahani gave a yelp of surprise. "Mindy!" she said, leaping up to hug the woman.

The woman - Mindy - looked at Tahani with an expression of begrudging affection and awkwardly hugged her back. "Watch the blazer, titch," she said, brushing herself off when Tahani had broken away from her. She was a good few inches shorter than Tahani - although who wasn't? - so the nickname was clearly a joke.

Tahani laughed. "It is not my fault if you chose to wear business casual to after-dinner drinks," she said. She turned towards Eleanor. "Eleanor, this is Mindy St Claire. Our organisations work together on occasion.”

Mindy sniffed. "You're hardly dressed for a casual event," she said, gesturing to Tahani's dress. She turned her head to Eleanor with a half-smile. "Who's the boy-toy?" It was better than being called an escort, Eleanor supposed. And Mindy clearly liked Tahani enough that it couldn't be an insult.

"How rude of me!" Tahani said. She gestured for Eleanor to come over and join them. "Mindy, this is Eleanor Shellstrop, my girlfriend."

"Never thought I'd see the day," Mindy said. She looked Eleanor up and down with an impressed expression. "Tahani al-Jamil, bringing a woman home. I mean, we all knew you liked them but-" She suddenly seemed to remember where she was and turned to Waqas and Manisha with a much more forced smile on her face. "Mr and Mrs al-Jamil. Lovely to see you."

"The feeling is mutual," Waqas said stiffly. There was clearly no love lost between them and Mindy. "What are you doing here?"

"Yes, why are you here?" Tahani said. "Not that it isn't lovely to see you again, but I thought you said you were busy this Christmas."

"Yeah, well, I decided to take you up on your offer of a glass of afternoon sherry," Mindy said. "I hope to God I arrived late enough to miss lunch."

Eleanor decided she liked Mindy.

"You did," Waqas said. He sounded about as pleased as Mindy about that fact. "We were about to have Christmas pudding and something alcoholic, if you would like to join us. Well, I'm sure you would, at least for the second part." His visible disdain for Mindy contrasted strongly with his desire to be a good host. The more time Eleanor spent around this family, the more relieved she was that she had watched the Crown.

"That would be great," Mindy said. "Eleanor, could we talk?"

Eleanor was surprised. "Me?"

"No, the other Eleanor in the room," Mindy said sarcastically. "Yes, fool, you."

Tahani was staring at Mindy with an expression that was about as confused as Eleanor felt. "What are you doing, Mindy?" she asked.

Mindy waved her hand. "Don't worry, I'm not going to strangle your girlfriend. We just have some things to discuss." She nodded her head towards the hallway. "Shall we?"

"Do I have a choice?" Eleanor asked.

"Absolutely not," Mindy said. She started to walk out of the room, and Eleanor followed, hearing the buzz of conversation begin again in the drawing room just out of her hearing.

Mindy came to a halt, finally, outside a room that looked like a conservatory. She put her hands in her blazer pockets, but made no sign of talking.

"So. How did you get to know Tahani?" Eleanor said, when the silence finally became too much for her to bear.

Mindy shot her a look. "This isn't a pleasure meeting, Shellstrop," she said. Her face softened. "But, if you must know, we met after I took quite a lot of cocaine and set up a charity on a post orgasm-high. I was a lawyer," she added, by way of explanation. Eleanor nodded, as if that made sense. "Tahani helped me throw my first gala dinner. Raising money for homeless orphans or something."

"That's nice of you," Eleanor said, nodding. "Look, Tahani's parents have been real dicks today. Full offence meant.”

Mindy snorted. "I think you'll find that's just an everyday thing."

"I don't particularly want to leave her alone for too long in case they start being cunts again," Eleanor continued. "So if this isn't a get-to-know-the-girlfriend meeting or whatever, what is it? Let's make it snappy, so I don't have to go out there and start throwing punches."

Mindy grinned at her. "I like you. For now. Here's the thing." Suddenly, her tone became serious. "I don't care about much in life. Cocaine and self-pleasure are pretty much my two main priorities." Eleanor held up a hand for a high-five - that explained why the al-Jamils weren’t Mindy fans - and Mindy slapped it. "Thank you. But I'm serious. I have that, and my organisation, and that's pretty much it. The only movie I have in my house is Cannonball Run II because my medically stupid boyfriend steals all the others. Tahani is one of the very few people remaining in the world who I actually like."

She stared Eleanor dead in the eye. "So, you get one warning and one warning only. If you ever hurt Tahani, I will personally hunt you down and cut off your hand." Her tone became a little lighter. "And you should be scared of me when I say that, because the only other person who'd take revenge on you is Larry, and that boy is far too nice to do anything other than maybe send you a strongly worded letter.”

Eleanor nodded. “I did sort of get that vibe from him.”

Mindy rubbed her hand over her face. “Seriously, do you understand everything I’ve said, Eleanor? Because I’m only going to warn you once. I really can’t be bothered to do it again.”

“You didn’t have to warn me,” Eleanor said, in the most serious tone she could possibly muster. “I would rather cut off my own hand than do anything to harm her.” It was the truth.

Mindy smiled at her. “Then welcome to the family.” She held out a hand, and Eleanor shook it firmly. “You didn’t pick a great one to be part of.”

Eleanor smiled awkwardly. “It’s not really a choice, is it? Besides, she’s worth it.”

“I thought you might say that,” Mindy said. Before Eleanor could ask her what she meant, she was already walking back towards the drawing room.

When they got there, everybody else was just standing up. “There you are,” Tahani said, coming up to Eleanor and kissing her. “What did she say to you?”

“A little light threatening my hand if I ever hurt you,” Eleanor said. “No big deal.”

Tahani laughed. "Mindy St Claire, you're growing soft."

Mindy looked murderous. "I absolutely am not. Be quiet or I'll cut your hand off."

"Now that the two of you have finally joined us, shall we go for pudding?" Waqas said, sounding irritable. "I would like to eat before the season changes."

Eleanor rolled her eyes at him as he started walking towards the dining room. Tahani laughed and linked her arm through Eleanor's. "My parents hate Mindy," she whispered. "We have, accidentally, engineered the worst possible Christmas ever for them." She smiled at Eleanor, her eyes sparkling. "For me, it has been the best one I can remember. Ever."

Eleanor bumped into her shoulder gently. "Me too, hot stuff."

She went to sit down next to Tahani, but was not-so-subtly pushed away by Manisha, under the guise of wanting to sit with Waqas. Mindy, who had already sat down on her other side, shot her an apologetic look that Eleanor waved away. She sat instead on the other side of the table, next to Kamilah.

Manisha and Waqas were muttering darkly about something to one another, and Eleanor tapped Kamilah's shoulder. "What's their deal?" she asked, gesturing towards them.

"Right now, or generally?" Kamilah said. Her mouth was turned upwards at the corners in a sort of grimace. "I will tell you now that is not the sort of question you should ever expect to get an answer to."

"I meant the muttering," Eleanor said, "but definitely the generally. I mean, who put a stick up both of their asses? Surely just one of them would've been enough."

"I hate them," Kamilah said abruptly. "If I had any sense, I would leave now and never come back."

"Why don't you?" Eleanor asked.

Kamilah sighed. "It is not as simple as that. They may be horrible people, but they are horrible people who have the power to make me feel really good. Tahani says I confuse that with them caring about me. She is probably right." She paused to take a sip of her wine and nodded her head towards Tahani. "If you had any sense, you would take her away from this place now, because evening drinks are when my parents get really mean."

"What the fuck do you mean, really mean?" Eleanor asked. They seemed to have been doing that all day from where she was sitting. She risked a look over to the al-Jamils. She supposed that Waqas' eyes were getting a bit glassy.

"You do not want to know, Eleanor." She let out a bitter laugh. "All I can say is that her mood will not be so easily improved by cheap humour and fake proposals. Last year-" She cut herself off. "It doesn't matter. All I am saying is that you still have a few hours left to give her the Christmas you both deserve. Do not waste that opportunity.”

In a few seconds, Eleanor had made her mind up. “You’re right.” She stood up. “Tahani? Can we step outside for a minute?”

Tahani, looking mystified, stood up and followed her.

It was now or never, Eleanor supposed. Sometimes people were just worth taking that leap into faith for. She took Tahani by the hand and led her to the little alcove near the door where Mindy had taken her earlier.

“Eleanor, what is- “Eleanor cut her off by kissing her. She tried to inject a million unsaid words into the kiss, but most of all, she tried to show Tahani the genuine reality of her feelings. This wasn’t the Eleanor who had published the ad. This was the Eleanor who had kissed her in front of the menagerie of woodland animals in the bedroom.

Tahani looked startled when Eleanor pulled away. “Eleanor?”

Eleanor ran a hand through her hair. There was an alien emotion pulsing through her chest - there was no way of knowing if it was nervousness, attraction, or humour. It was deeply unpleasant and not at all helpful when she was trying to make some kind of grand declaration.

"Shit, Tahani," Eleanor started, before stopping again. "I can't do this anymore."

Tahani's face immediately fell. "I see." She broke her hold on Eleanor's hands and looked crestfallen. "I will call you a cab. I apologise for keeping you here this long. I really do wish you a merry Christmas, and-"

Eleanor held up a hand, finally catching on. "Tahani."

"-I hope you were not too put out by coming here today. I still appreciate everything-"

"Tahani." Tahani finally stopped talking, and Eleanor picked up her limp hand and threaded their fingers together. "That's not what I meant. Did you not get that from the kiss?"

"I thought it was a farewell," Tahani stuttered. "I thought this was all too much for you."

Eleanor laughed, almost manically. "Of course it's too much for me, you stupid angel. You're too much for me and liking you is so inconvenient, and I love it completely.”

"So this is not goodbye?" Tahani said.

"You're so dumb," Eleanor said. "Of course it's not goodbye. I've only gone and done the stupid thing that I said I'd never do and fallen for you. Even though you say stupid things like 'farewell' in casual conversation and you wore a ballgown on a motorbike ride and you have the weirdest friends and family that ever existed, and that includes mine. Plus I met you through an ad, which I put out as a joke.”

She ran her hand through her hair again. "Every part of this entire day was stupid or ridiculous or unmanageable and there's nothing else I would rather have done. The only reasonable conclusion left is that I like you. Romantically. Which is a stupid conclusion in any scenario.”

Tahani looked shellshocked, but hadn't run away yet, which Eleanor counted as a win. "So. I was thinking we should get out of here. We still have-" she checked her watch "six hours left of Christmas day. And I want to use them on a proper date that you didn't hire me for."

The burst of adrenaline ran out, and she found herself feeling bashful in a way that she was completely unaccustomed to. "So. What do you say?"

Tahani gaped like a landed fish. She still hadn't spoken, and Eleanor realised with a horrible clarity that she had been wrong to do this. "Unless... I've misread the situation." She felt heat rising in her cheeks. "Sorry. That's my bad. I'll go now. If it's not too late to take you up on that offer-"

"Eleanor," Tahani said, finally managing to get a word out. She cupped Eleanor's face tenderly and pulled her into a kiss that was messy and not very good and entirely, beautifully, one hundred and four percent perfect.

She smiled against Eleanor’s face. “Yes.”

Chapter Text

"Yes."

Every fibre of Tahani's being felt like it had been set on fire. She had been trying so hard all day to remain nonchalant and not give away her true feelings that the smile that burst onto her face almost hurt her cheeks. Eleanor wore a matching smile that lit up her eyes.

Tahani felt like she was flying.

She had barely spoken before Eleanor was pulling her back in with a genuine need that rippled back to Tahani. She had never felt so wanted before. Eleanor made her feel things that she hadn't even known she was capable of. She wasn't sure how much of it was being with a woman, and how much of it was being with this woman, but, all things considered, she decided she didn't care.

She wondered if she was going to make a habit of acquiring soulmates at her family's Christmas lunches.

The thought of Jason finding out about this was enough to make her let out a peal of delighted laughter. Eleanor met her eyes with a bright smile. "What is it?"

"Jason was the one who found me the ad, remember?" Tahani said. She giggled. Actually giggled. Eleanor had reduced her to a teenage girl. God, this was humiliating. ”He is going to be so disgustingly smug."

Eleanor was smirking. "I feel pretty smug myself," she said, peppering Tahani's lips with kisses. "It's not every day that an ad I put out on a whim gets me a woman like you.”

"Well, not every ad I answer finds me one like you," Tahani said. She booped Eleanor's nose. "Adorably pocket-sized as you are."

"I bet you use that on all the girls," Eleanor said jokingly.

Tahani laughed easily. "Only the ones who survive lunch with my family. It is a trial by fire situation."

"You calling me hot, giraffe?" Eleanor said.

Tahani felt herself blush. "That too," she said.

She pulled Eleanor back in, which did an excellent job of shutting her up. Eleanor did often seem to go silent when faced with the prospect of making out with her. Then again, Eleanor had the same effect on Tahani, which was neither here nor there. She decided she was doing far too much thinking for the situation, and deepened the kiss, dispelling all thoughts that weren't just how delightful Eleanor's cheap vanilla lip balm tasted.

A cough came from behind them, and Tahani moved her head away from Eleanor with a sense of annoyance to see Kamilah and Larry, who were staring at the pair of them with matching expressions of delight.

"When I said get out of here, I didn't mean go defile my sister in a dark corner," Kamilah said, clearly addressing Eleanor, who scoffed. She was looking rather dishevelled. She had done that, Tahani thought, with a sense of almost-pride. "Is finding the two of you canoodling on the sly going to be a regular occurrence, then?”

Tahani smoothed down her dress primly. “We were just leaving, actually.”

Larry gave a low whistle. “Brave. We were sent out here to look for you. I think Manisha’s convinced Eleanor’s serious about proposing.”

“Give it a little while,” Eleanor said under her breath. Tahani ignored the sparks that flew in her eyelids. She raised her voice a little. “Kamilah was right. We have a few hours left of Christmas. I want it to be perfect for her.” She smiled at Tahani, bright-eyed.

Larry went to hug Tahani. “Well, we’ll miss the two of you.” He lowered his voice and positioned his lips right next to Tahani’s ear. “This is real now, huh?”

“Yes,” Tahani breathed. She felt Larry smile.

“Called it,” he said. He pulled away and met Tahani’s eyes with genuine happiness. “Have a great time.”

“You could both come,” Eleanor said. “I mean, you might have to fuck off for parts of it, like the defiling or whatever- “

“Eleanor!” Tahani interjected.

“-oh, can it, hot stuff, you want me to defile you. But you guys could come. You’d be welcome.”

Kamilah shook her head. “We would hate to interrupt the two of you. Besides, we certainly cannot leave poor Mindy alone with our parents.”

“Or vice versa,” Tahani said, and Kamilah laughed.

“We will stay here and cover for you,” she said. “We can tell them you are in some state of undress and need time to smarten yourselves up a bit.”

Eleanor snorted. “That’ll go down well.”

Kamilah grinned at her, all teeth. “You cannot begrudge us a little fun in your absence.”

Tahani hugged her. “You two simply must visit,” she said. “I mean it this time. I refuse to go another full year without both of you.”

“Perhaps,” Kamilah said. She fiddled with the bangle on her wrist. “I would like that.”

“I’ll make her come, don’t worry,” Larry said. He held out a hand for Eleanor to shake. “Take care of her,” he said.

Eleanor nodded. “On pain of strongly worded letter,” she said. Larry looked as confused as Tahani felt, but the grin on Eleanor’s face made it clear that was the intention. She extended a hand to Tahani. “Shall we, my good lady?”

“Tahani, you need to explain to her that the Crown is not a social handbook,” Kamilah said. She paused. “We will go now. We have some defiling to explain to the parents.”

“Merry Christmas,” Larry added.

“It is, isn’t it?” Tahani agreed. She took Eleanor’s hand. “Let’s go.”

There was a spring in both of their steps as they walked down the path to where the motorbike rested. Eleanor paused. “Do you wanna change? Before we go?”

“Go where?” Tahani asked.

“Hadn’t thought that far ahead,” Eleanor admitted. “But it’s December. No way are you warm enough in that dress.” She looked Tahani up and down with a glint in her eye. “I have spare clothes. I totally won’t watch you change.”

“How kind of you,” Tahani said sarcastically. She looked at her dress. It wasn’t terribly practical. “Might I ask why you typically carry around spare flannels?”

“For the women I pick up in mansions,” Eleanor deadpanned. She rummaged around in her rucksack and came out with a dark blue flannel and green cargo pants. “Here. Are there any bushes you can hide behind around here?”

“We do not have neighbours,” Tahani said. She moved her hair off her neck. “Unzip me?”

“Uh, sure,” Eleanor said. She awkwardly unzipped the dress with one hand and averted her eyes as Tahani stepped out of it, a blush on her cheeks.

“Aren’t you a lady,” Tahani said, buttoning up the blue shirt. It was hideous. There was no escaping that. And it was too small for her and smelled like coffee, with a hint of the mustiness that came from being stored in a rucksack all day. But if Eleanor could dress like a lumberjack and still have Tahani being attracted to her, then it couldn’t be all bad.

“What do you think?” Eleanor said. She was back to forming full sentences now that she was no longer being faced by Tahani’s bare body.

“It is comfortable, I suppose,” Tahani said. “I am just not used to dressing like a plumberess. Is that the female term? Or is it a toilet sweep? Or a… clog wench?”

“You’re always so dramatic,” Eleanor said, with a slight groan. “You could wear a trash bag and still make it look fashionable.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Eleanor, bin bags haven’t been fashionable since 2022,” Tahani said, arranging her hair over her shoulders. If she wasn’t going to be dressing fashionably, at least her hair could be radiant. She swung herself onto the motorbike. “Are you coming or not?”

“Do you even know where we’re going?” Eleanor said. She sat on regardless, chin resting on Tahani’s shoulder.

“Do you?” Tahani countered.

Eleanor dangled her phone in front of Tahani's face. "I adapt." She punched in a few words and brought up a map. "Great. Fifteen-minute ride. Step on it, hot stuff."

"Are you going to tell me where you are taking me?" Tahani asked. "I feel I should warn you that if you take me to a deserted field and murder me, you will certainly be caught."

"Well, that's insulting," Eleanor said. "First, I wouldn't be caught, because I'm a great liar, and second, I wouldn't murder you-"

"That statement is less encouraging when you have just informed me you are a great liar," Tahani said.

Eleanor smacked her shoulder. "Shut up and drive before your parents come out here and chase us down."

"They have probably assumed that we are in a bedroom somewhere," Tahani said. "Kamilah will, I am sure, have had a lot of fun with explaining exactly what you have done to my parents' precious firstborn.”

"Maybe you'll get lucky at some point," Eleanor said. Tahani felt a shiver go down her spine. "If you drive."

"Don't edge me," Tahani said, revving the engine. Eleanor snorted.

"I'm surprised the word 'edge' is in your vocabulary." She put on what was clearly supposed to be an imitation of a British accent. "Oh, hibbledy dibbledy, I'm Tahani and I know what edging is, even though my family refers to fucking as defiling and I call everything crude. Crumpets."

"Crumpets?" Tahani said. "Darling, have you actually watched the Crown? Or spoken to a British person?”

“The Crown made everyone in England look horrible. Obviously, I haven’t spoken to a British person,” Eleanor said. “Other than your family.”

“We did not convince you of the pleasantness of Great Britain?” Tahani said, faux-shocked.

“You did okay,” Eleanor said. She elbowed Tahani in the ribs. “Drive before I make you.”

“You are so rude,” Tahani said, but she complied and steered onto the lane leading away from the house. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Eleanor sticking her middle finger up as they drew further away, and she laughed gleefully.

Eleanor navigated from behind by yelling over the engine. Tahani could barely hear what she was saying and took more than a few wrong turns that had to be corrected by Eleanor's less-than-perfect navigational skills. It took them over double the time it should have done to reach the little road Eleanor told her to stop at, and they were both laughing themselves silly as they got off the bike.

"That is the last time I let you take me anywhere," Tahani said. She wrapped Eleanor in a hug. "I should have known better than to let a person who voluntarily dresses like a lumberjack instruct me on matters of navigation."

"It's the last time I let a person over five foot eight drive me anywhere," Eleanor said. "Trying to make you turn left is about as hard as trying to persuade your mom that I'm not an escort.”

Tahani shrugged. "We cannot argue with the fact that I did recruit you specifically for Christmas day. It is just that I did not have any ulterior sexual motives."

"Which will forever disappoint me," Eleanor said. She held out her arm. "Let's go."

"Where?" Tahani asked. "You cannot just take a woman on a date without warning her where she will be going in advance. That is poor etiquette. You have not given me sufficient time to plan my outfit."

"The clog wench look does wonders for your figure," Eleanor said sarcastically.

The night was dark but devoid of clouds. Stars hung in the sky and the path in front of Tahani and Eleanor was lit easily by the moon. Tahani gave a shiver, and Eleanor wrapped an arm around her and pulled her in. They walked shoulder to shoulder. The warmth was a pleasant sensation.

The air felt light and crisp on her skin. Tahani had no idea where they were, but she didn't think that was wholly a bad thing. She had a sense of freedom in her bones.

Eleanor was frowning at her phone with a focussed expression. "It should be close now," she said. "Just round this corner."

"Your murder spot?" Tahani said.

Eleanor mimed cutting her throat. "Say your goodbyes, honey bunch. I'm going to sell your organs on eBay."

"Have you no class?" Tahani asked. "A silent auction would be far more- oh!"

Eleanor stopped walking as they rounded the corner and Tahani saw what she had been leading them to. It was an outdoor ice rink, lit up by golden string lights and filled with people who were drifting around on the ice like ballet dancers. It was almost illuminated purple in the dusky light.

Eleanor looked a little bashful. "Do you like it? I wasn't sure if it would look good. Or, to be honest, even be here, because I found it on a Reddit post from like, 2016, about tourism in this area and-"

"You talk entirely too much," Tahani said. She kissed Eleanor with conviction. "I love it. It is perfect. And so are you."

"That's wrong," Eleanor said, but she was blushing.

"I will be the judge of that," Tahani said. She looked at the ice rink in wonderment. "I adore ice-skating. My grandmother took me once or twice as a very young child. My parents did not approve, of course, but she took me without their knowledge." She grinned at Eleanor. "I used to tell them I was at a book club."

Eleanor laughed. "As a very young child?"

"Naturally," Tahani said. "I am not sure how convincing I was, because after a while, my father insisted on accompanying me on our trips. After that I had to actually join a book club, and that was terribly dull. But I remember how it felt to skate."

It felt like freedom. It felt like flight. It felt like kissing Eleanor.

Tahani did not say any of those things. They would remain her secrets, for now. She did, however, bend down and kiss the top of Eleanor's head. "We must hire skates," she said.

"Oh yeah," Eleanor said. She looked a little embarrassed. "Is now a bad time to say I've never done this before?"

Tahani gasped, aghast. "Never?"

"Not exactly a lot of ice in Phoenix," Eleanor said.

"I will simply have to make this the best experience of your life," Tahani said. She clapped her hands. "Oh, how exciting! It is easy. You are short, your centre of gravity should be low. I think. I do not know how it works."

Eleanor muttered something that Tahani didn't quite catch. The word "giraffe" was involved. She supposed it was deserved. She grabbed Eleanor's flannel clad arm, and realised, far too late, that the pair of them were in matching outfits. That was hardly fashionable.

Tahani found she didn't care.

There was a little paved path leading up to the entrance to the box office that was lined with fairy lights. The area had been set up like a miniature Christmas village. It reminded Tahani of Lapland in old Christmas movies. The office itself was a red-brick building that, in Tahani's opinion, was deeply hideous. She paid for two tickets, waving off Eleanor's protests that she should fund this expedition. Tahani informed her, completely seriously, that a trip ice skating should absolutely have been a non-negotiable on her advertisement, and that she would pretend that Eleanor actually had put it on her ad.

They were handed two tickets, some gloves, and four skates by a young man who looked, frankly, that he would rather be anywhere else. Tahani supposed that he probably did. It was nearly nine pm on Christmas Day. Nevertheless, Tahani thanked him with a bright smile, unable to shake her good mood.

Their group was due to go on the ice in just over ten minutes, so Tahani and Eleanor had time to lace up their boots. Eleanor had never worn ice skates before, and Tahani had never been particularly good with any tasks that required her to tie knots.

They managed, between them, to get their skates on with relative confidence that they would not fall off. Tahani offered Eleanor a high five, but instead got kissed full on the lips. Eleanor smirked. "Sorry to leave you hanging."

"I think I will survive," Tahani said, still preoccupied with looking at Eleanor's lips.

When the bell went for them to get on the ice, Eleanor shot up, and promptly fell right over with a loud "shit" that had a few other people looking over and smiling. Tahani laughed and offered Eleanor her hand. "I revoke my earlier statement regarding your centre of gravity," she said.

Eleanor scowled at her. "You try."

Tahani confidently stood up and strode towards the ice rink. "Do not provoke me. I spend my life in stilettos."

"You're showing off," Eleanor muttered darkly. Back on her feet, she tried a few steps, and managed, this time, to stay standing.

"After you," Tahani said, gesturing to the ice.

"No way," Eleanor said. "You'll put me on there and then you'll run away and then I'll get run over by hordes of weird British people."

"You know that not every single person in this area is British, right? We are in America." Tahani got behind Eleanor and gave her a little push. "I promise not to let you get run over by any members of the royal family. How does that sound?"

Eleanor seemed to consider this. "Fine." She stepped onto the ice with one foot. "But-"

Tahani never heard what the "but" was because Eleanor immediately skidded forwards and landed on her bottom. Tahani started laughing, doubling over.

"Yeah, laugh it up," Eleanor said, clearly trying to sound reproachful, even though she was visibly grinning. "Your turn now."

Tahani was well acquainted with how easy it was to slip on the ice, and stood on far more carefully, grabbing the barrier immediately to prevent her feet from sliding backwards. She straightened up and smiled at Eleanor. "You see? I am practically Olympic standard."

Eleanor grabbed hold of Tahani's hand and used it to hoist herself up, nearly dragging Tahani down with her in the process. "I hate you," she said. She linked their fingers together. "Skate."

Tahani, however, had not skated in over twenty years, and was utterly unsure what she was doing. She pulled on the bar and was rewarded with a little surge fowards. "Simple," she said. She jerked her arm and Eleanor moved forward as well. She had, however, grossly misjudged how hard to pull, and Eleanor went tumbling forwards onto the floor. Tahani landed hard on top of her.

"You're not even gonna buy me dinner first?" Eleanor said, lying on her front underneath Tahani. Tahani rolled off her and pecked her on the cheek.

"I quite literally did," Tahani said. She pulled Eleanor up. "Do you know, now that we are actually on the ice, I recall skating being rather difficult to master. In that I did not, particularly."

"Now you mention that?" Eleanor said, laughing. She grabbed the barrier. "Maybe I should've murdered you when I had the chance."

"That would not have been very festive," Tahani said.

"I planned to do it with a candy cane," Eleanor said. The colour of the fairy lights changed and suddenly they were illuminated in red. "That's why they call me the Myrrh-derer."

"Myrrh is notoriously bitter," Tahani said. "I suspect they call you the myrrh-derer for being such a terrible sport when you are failing at skating.”

By the end of the first half an hour, Tahani had somewhat remembered how to move her feet, and was able to do a wobbly lap around the rink back to where she had left Eleanor. She grabbed her hand and dragged her along with her. Neither of them were particularly well-balanced and Eleanor was effectively dead weight, but they managed to get around twice more before their hour was up.

The second the bell went, Eleanor stumbled off the ice. "That was terrible," she said, laughing. "This is something you enjoy?"

"It was magical," Tahani said happily. Her legs felt like jelly. "Where is your Christmas spirit?"

"Probably wherever I fell over for the fifth time," Eleanor said. "I can't believe you used to do this for fun."

"If this relationship is to have any legs, Eleanor, you will need to learn to enjoy skating," Tahani said, half-distracted by pulling her skates off. Her hands felt frozen solid.

Eleanor groaned and yanked off one of her boots. "Or maybe you'll need to learn to enjoy sitting inside and doing nothing."

"Need I remind you that you chose this?" Tahani said. "Next time, do not bring me to an ice rink. Where are your critical thinking skills?"

They kept bickering all the way back down the path. Eleanor, however, hooked herself around Tahani's body like a vine and stuck a hand in each of her pockets. "I'm cold," she said, by way of explanation, and Tahani was happy enough to oblige her.

The little town Eleanor had brought them to was lit up by streetlights. When they reached the motorbike, Tahani groaned.

"What's up?" Eleanor said, leaning into her side.

"I was just thinking about the ride home," Tahani explained. "I think I would rather die than navigate back to my house. I do not suppose there are any hotels in this area?"

"There's probably an inn or something…” Eleanor said. Her tone was hesitant. “How would I get home, though?”

Tahani stared at her. "I was suggesting that you stay with me, Eleanor, you pocket-sized idiot."

"Why do you relate every insult you make to my height?" Eleanor said. She looked at the bike. She was visibly doing some mental calculations. "You know, you're right. I don't want to drive either." She got out her phone again and started to search for places to stay. Tahani caught sight of the hundred notifications waiting for her and pointed to them.

"I think one of your friends has died," she said.

Eleanor snorted. "If only. Nah, I messaged the others a while ago. I might have implied that I had a crush."

"And you have ignored them since?" Tahani said, with a fake gasp. "Eleanor, that is terrible manners."

"I'll call them later," Eleanor said. "There's an inn, like, five minutes down the road that way." She pointed. "We can call everybody from there. I'm sure Jason will want to know how things went."

"I should probably tell Larry and Kamilah that I am alive as well," Tahani said. "And make sure that they are." She grimaced. "I do not think evening drinks will have been particularly enjoyable."

"I got that impression," Eleanor said. "Come on. My hands are gonna fall off if we stand here much longer and I've been up since, like, three in the morning.”

"Oh, goodness me, yes," Tahani said, facepalming. She had almost forgotten how this had all started, too wrapped up in the last couple of hours to care about what had happened before. "Lead the way."

They walked in comfortable silence, which Tahani suspected was because they were both exhausted. Eleanor's saying how long she had been up had reminded Tahani of her own lack of sleep last night, and now walking felt like much more of a chore than she would have liked.

The inn Eleanor had selected was called The Zone, and its futuristic decor contrasted heavily with the small-town feeling of its surroundings. However, Tahani wasn't picky enough to care at that moment in time, and followed Eleanor inside.

There was nothing at the desk except for a burrito that Eleanor looked at curiously. "Is that supposed to be a bell?" she asked.

"I think it's just a burrito," Tahani said, shaking her head. "Perhaps the concierge has gone to bed. It is late, after all."

They were just about to turn around when a woman dressed in a black and white dressing gown appeared through a door, sat down behind the desk, and started eating the burrito.

"Um, hello?" Eleanor said.

The woman looked up with her mouth full and beckoned them over. She swallowed heavily. “What?” she said. She picked up a bottle of hot sauce and pointed it at the two of them. “Make it snappy. I’m trying to watch Deadwood. What do you need?”

“Can we have a room for the night?” Eleanor said.

"Yes, fine," the woman said, tapping on her computer a little impatiently. She paused. "This is probably a stupid question considering what you're wearing, and the fact that you’re booking in to a random inn in the middle of nowhere for one night only, but are you two okay to share a bed?"

Tahani opened her mouth and shut it again. "Oh, we haven't-"

"We don't-"

The woman waved away their protests with a wave of her hand. "Get a move on. This isn't a TV show, ladies, there's a twin room available if the flannel's just a fashion choice."

"One bed is fine," Tahani said. She made eye contact with Eleanor. "If that works for you."

"Yeah, no, that's great," Eleanor said. Her cheeks were bright red. Tahani thought it was rather sweet.

"Thank you," the woman said dramatically. She rolled her chair backwards and grabbed two keycards. "Welcome to the Zone Inn. You're in room 12358W. Second floor. I'm Gen. I own the place. If you need anything, ask someone else, and be out of here by noon tomorrow unless you're willing to pay for another night."

"What's with the room name?" Eleanor asked.

Gen shrugged. "I don't know. It’s not my problem.” She waved a hand. “Go, go do whatever you came here for.” She poured more hot sauce on her burrito. Tahani read the label on the bottle as Envy. There was no brand. This woman was bizarre. “Go!”

Eleanor and Tahani took the keys and started to walk up the stairs to the second floor. “Batshit weird woman,” Eleanor muttered, voicing Tahani’s thoughts.

Tahani laughed. “You would probably get along.”

The room itself was comfortable, much to Tahani's pleasant surprise. Despite the cold exterior of the inn, the room was homely and felt more like an old people's home than something futuristic.

The walls were painted in a fading yellow, and the carpet was brown and scratchy. There was a singular painting of a boat on one wall, and the bed took up most of the room, save for two small bedside units and a chest of drawers that both of them ignored.

Eleanor immediately kicked off her shoes and flopped down on the bed with a groan of contentment. Tahani followed her example, lying down next to her. The bed was soft and Tahani could almost feel her eyes closing.

Eleanor took out her phone. It turned on for about two seconds, before promptly dying. "Shit," she cursed. "Guess the maps used up more battery than I thought."

"You can use mine," Tahani suggested. "If you know your friends' numbers. Just give me a few seconds to message Jason and Janet."

Eleanor waved her off. "No, you call your friends first," she said.

Tahani shook her head. "They are not fans of making phone calls. They communicate almost exclusively through selfies. Janet does not even own a phone. They have no need for one. No, I will message them and then I will get ready for bed while you call your friends.”

She got out her phone and opened Snapchat. She took a quick selfie of Eleanor and herself, which she sent to Jason captioned, "Left lunch early. I am afraid to say that your idea of answering Eleanor's ad has given me unforeseen benefits."

Jason responded seconds later with a rather unattractive picture of Janet sleeping. There were three sections of text, reading "did u get tg," and "if u got tg u have to get her to get me free froyo"

Tahani showed it to Eleanor, who laughed, before taking the phone. She angled the phone so that it was pointing to the two of them and snapped a photo of her kissing Tahani's cheek. Tahani sent it with no additional text. Let Jason and Janet wonder until tomorrow.

She handed her phone over to Eleanor and got up to go to the bathroom. She had none of her normal "lotions and potions," as Jason affectionately called them, but she would make do with whatever hotel room substitutes she could find.

She shut the door, but despite that, could still hear the loud cheering coming from the other end of the phone line. She found herself smiling slightly at the thought that Eleanor’s friends were so enthusiastically cheering for their relationship.

She could only hear snatches of Eleanor’s side of the conversation.

“oh my god, what are you talking about-“

“hate you-”

“we’re not engaged, Simone, don’t be ridiculous-“

“only if Chidi proposes to you and I get to be yours-“

“do it now, dumbass-“

Tahani stopped being able to hear soon after that over the running water in the sink. She managed to get most of the makeup off. It occurred to her far too late that she would not normally be seen in public in such a state of disarray, but then, she rationalised, she would not normally be seen in public wearing cargo pants and kissing a woman. Things could change.

Eleanor was still talking when Tahani emerged. Her eyes brightened. "I need to go, guys," she said, to the loud and almost-audible protests of her friends on the other end.

"They're thrilled about this," Eleanor explained to Tahani. "They thought I was single and depressed before. Even though I had them to live vicariously through."

"How strange," Tahani said. "Jason often said the same about me. Granted, it was often with less eloquence, but I suppose the sentiment was there."

The male voice on the end of the line said something quiet that Tahani didn't catch, that made Eleanor smile gently. Tahani pretended not to notice. "Yeah, yeah," she said to the microphone. "Fuck you too. Night."

She handed the phone back to Tahani and grinned at her. “Hey, remember the ad?”

Tahani nodded. “How could I forget?”

“Well, I liked you too much to hit on other people, or start a fight. And I didn’t exactly want to prove your parents right about how common and evil I am by acting drunk. But I did get to propose to you, and start a fight about politics with your dad. So there’s only one thing left on my list.” She reached into her pocket, and emerged with a triumphant smile and a small bottle of gin in her hand. “Openly steal stuff.”

Tahani laughed. “Out of everything my parents have, you chose to steal a miniature bottle of gin?”

Eleanor smiled, before twisting the lid off. “I know what I want,” she said, simply. She offered Tahani the first sip. “Cheers.”

The two of them spent about twenty minutes sipping the gin. It tasted disgusting, and there was barely enough in there to muster two measures. Nonetheless, there was something pleasant about sitting on a bed with Eleanor and drinking her parents’ alcohol. It felt almost like a teenage love affair.

However, eventually, the liquor ran out and Eleanor reclined on their bed. "Let's make full use of this," she said, in a tone so exaggeratedly sultry that it could only be a joke. She pulled the sheets up to her neck and lay back on the pillows, eyes closed. "Join me."

Tahani laughed. "Sleeping is sexy now, is it?" She kicked off the cargo pants - sleeping in them was absolutely not on the table - and lay down next to Eleanor.

Eleanor turned on her side to look Tahani in the eyes. "No pants, huh? I mean, you're practically begging for it." She paused. "Although, so am I. I've been awake for nearly 20 hours." She scrabbled around under the covers and removed her own pants, holding them up like a flag.

"For somebody so eager to sleep, you are doing a remarkably bad job of trying to do it," Tahani said, turning out the lamp and shutting her eyes. She felt exhaustion creep up in her bones. “Go to sleep.” Her tone was languid.

“It’s Christmas,” Eleanor said. Tahani felt her wriggle closer. “You’re being a grinch.”

“It’s Christmas,” Tahani retorted. “So my heart has grown three sizes. You have had no such luck.”

“I didn’t need to,” Eleanor said. “I wasn’t going around stealing everybody’s presents the night before.”

Tahani hummed noncommittally. “Go to sleep.”

Eleanor went silent for about thirty seconds. “Can I have, like, five more words?”

“That’s already seven,” Tahani said.

“Five more.”

“That’s two gone.”

“You know what I mean, you goose,” Eleanor said, swatting her arm. Tahani pinned it against her side, briefly. When she released, Eleanor left it there. Tahani liked the feeling of the arm on her waist. It had weight, and it was warm.

“Sixteen words and counting. Spit it out.” Tahani wrapped her leg around Eleanor. It was almost criminal, how natural it all felt.

And it was all hers. That was the wonder of it.

Eleanor paused for such a long time that Tahani thought for a moment that she had actually fallen asleep. When she spoke again, it was in a tone that was softer and slightly slurred. “Merry fucking Christmas,” she said. She let out a loud exhale and finally, finally, stopped talking.

Yes, Tahani thought. It rather had been.

Chapter Text

Simone appeared in the living room, brandishing a jug of margaritas. "Merry fucking Christmas," she said to Eleanor, refilling both of their glasses.

She offered the jug to Tahani, who shook her head. "Thank you, but despite what Eleanor would have you believe, margaritas are not really a festive drink." She took a sip of her mulled wine.

Eleanor laughed and affectionately punched her shoulder. "It was good enough for you last year."

Simone gave a poorly disguised cackle and went over to sit with Chidi, who was involved in a very in-depth discussion with Michael over the Trolley Problem, or some variant of it. Recently, Michael, who loved nothing more than discovering something new about 'human culture,' had found out about TikTok. He had immediately used it to find as many philosophy related videos as humanly possible to taunt Chidi with. Chidi looked about to have an aneurysm, and seemed thoroughly relieved when Simone appeared to buffer the conversation.

On the other side of the room, Janet and Kamilah were playing Scrabble with all the competitiveness of the Olympics, and Larry and Jason were arm wrestling with equal focus. Shawn was somehow playing both games at once, though Eleanor caught him getting distracted multiple times staring daggers at Michael. Michael was doing exactly the same right back, though, so Eleanor let it slide. It had been hard enough to prevent blood from being shed when they were on opposite teams for charades earlier. Tahani had had to beg for Shawn to even entertain the idea of coming.

Vicky, apparently completely uncaring that every single person in the room knew her, had introduced herself to every single person with a different persona. To Eleanor, she was a failed trapeze artist from Queens. The only constant was the limp. She seemed to have decided that this was her niche.

And then, of course, there was Tahani. Sat with Eleanor on the sofa, attached to her at the hip, sipping her drink with all the airs of someone who was entirely convinced that her taste in beverages was the best one anyone had ever had.

Eleanor wanted to keep them.

It had taken them a while to reach this sense of family. Aside from the obvious battle between Michael and Shawn - which Eleanor privately suspected was more for fun than anything else - there had been a hundred other rifts to overcome.

Eleanor and Vicky had developed a feud somewhere around February after Vicky tried to use her name for some acting piece in the Bad Place. Kamilah and Tahani had decades of resentment that reached their peak around holiday seasons, no matter how far they had come in recent years. Larry hated being anywhere where people would know his family. Jason declared Simone had “judgy eyes” and Chidi had had to Parent Trap them into getting along.

Despite everything, however, they had come together. They had one another, no matter what. And Christmas had been filled with every single stupid holiday thing that Jason - who was, as it turned out, an absolute Christmas menace - decided that they absolutely had to do. And Eleanor, god help her, fucking loved them.

Tahani nudged Eleanor. "What are you thinking about?"

"Family," Eleanor answered honestly.

Tahani smiled at her. "There are certainly worse things to have," she said. She played with the bird necklace Kamilah had gotten her last year. This year, Kamilah had chosen a pair of novelty socks, but Eleanor could see that the necklace would never be beaten, in the same way as she could tell that Kamilah hadn't taken off the bangle in about six months.

Sisters. Eleanor didn't have them, and she wasn't sure if she was jealous of Tahani and Kamilah, or scared by them.

The thought of the necklace, however, reminded her. "Crap. I haven't given you your present." She stood up, despite previously being extremely comfortable and immediately missing the warmth of the sofa and Tahani. "Come on. Let's go."

Tahani had given her a gold charm bracelet. On it, she had put on a pair of ice skates, a coffee mug, a Christmas tree, and a burrito. Eleanor had laughed out loud when she saw the last one. Every moment of that day last year was burned into her mind. Some memories were too precious to be forgotten. Even the imperfect ones.

"I do not understand why you could not simply give me the present,” Tahani said, getting up with a loud groan.

“Because I like leaving you in suspense,” Eleanor said. She paused. “And I also really didn’t want it to get broken under the Christmas tree, because Jason keeps lying down under it.”

Tahani considered this with the thoughtful look that Eleanor had come to love. "That is a fair point. Lead the way."

Eleanor took her to her old bedroom, which had now been repurposed as Chidi and Simone's study. It had been a little sad to see it all change when she had moved in with Tahani, but the change was a good thing. And anyway, there had been nothing as entertaining to her as changing the glass-and-concrete mansion into something resembling a family home.

Tahani hadn't been afraid to go head to head with Eleanor on every design choice, and the result had been a bizarre cocktail of both of their styles. It was thoroughly disjointed. Eleanor loved it.

She pointed to the wrapped package on Chidi's desk. "There," she said, nervously playing with the bracelet on her wrist. "And you better not hate it, because I gave the lady in the shop a whole sob story so she'd give me a discount, so I really can't return it."

"I am sure I will love it," Tahani said. Her smile was genuine, but deliberate. Eleanor felt apprehensive as she tore off the paper, but Tahani's gasp and subsequent beam that split her face in half made something rise in her chest. Who had known that love could be such a physical feeling?

It was a camera. That was what Eleanor had chosen. Tahani had had a list, of course. And Eleanor had been fully intending to buy her a fancy pair of shoes or something like that.

The camera had been a whim. She had seen it in November, in the window of a shop. She hadn't even thought about it. She had walked in right there and then, spun the sales assistant a woeful story that somehow got her ten percent off the listed price, and walked out with a camera. It wasn't until she was halfway home that what she'd done finally dawned on her. She had no idea if this was something Tahani would like. So, she had taken it into Chidi and Simone's apartment, hoping that they wouldn't notice it until she had worked out what to do. Except Simone had been in at the time, and Eleanor nearly got stabbed with a butter knife and had to explain why she was smuggling a camera into their apartment without telling her the real reason, which was "I'm dangerously in love with my girlfriend. Help."

Simone had, unfortunately, thought that the idea was inspired and agreed to let Eleanor hide it until the run up till Christmas. Eleanor had had to wrap it by herself without the help of Chidi, who was much better at that kind of thing. The result was a botch job of ripped Santa Claus wrapping paper that Eleanor had been stressing about on and off for about a week.

But when Tahani hugged her so hard that she could barely breathe, she decided it had all been worth it.

“You like it?” Eleanor said.

“I love it,” Tahani said fervently, not releasing her hold. “I love you.”

“Yeah, yeah, I love you too,” Eleanor said, trying to play it cool. She had not yet mastered the art of not giving a fuck when it came to Tahani. She made her feel too many things, all at once.

Eleanor lost track of how long they stood there, wrapped up in one another. Tahani smelled like gingerbread. She had a habit of buying body sprays and lotions that to fit with the season. Eleanor teased her about it. In reality, it was one of her favourite things about her girlfriend.

Along with literally everything else.

Eventually, Eleanor pulled away reluctantly. "We should probably go rejoin the others," she said. "They'll think I'm defiling you again."

Tahani linked her arm through Eleanor's as they walked towards the living room. "I should be so lucky," she said, smiling.

"Second part of your Christmas present comes later," Eleanor said. She winked. "It's pocket-sized."

Tahani threw her head back and laughed with a kind of ease that made Eleanor's heart skip a beat. "I simply cannot wait," she said, kissing Eleanor happily. "I love you."

"You said," Eleanor said, sitting back down and taking a long drink of her margarita. This whole gift-giving thing was not good for her nerves. "I love you too, dumbass."

"Are you two done with the defiling?" Chidi said. He mimed quotation marks around the word 'defiling.' Eleanor sneaked a glance over his shoulder to Larry, who was smiling at her innocently. She gave him the middle finger.

"For now," Tahani said. "Can we help you?”

"I need to steal Eleanor for a second," Chidi said. He looked nervous, but was smiling slightly, so Eleanor was reassured that he wasn't about to have a Christmas Day stomach ache. Nonetheless, she gave Tahani a parting peck on the cheek and stood up to follow Chidi into the kitchen.

"So. What's up, man?" Eleanor said, when Chidi didn't immediately start talking.

He took a deep breath. "I'm going to propose. Today."

Eleanor fought to hold back her cheer of excitement, putting all of her emotion into a hug that knocked Chidi's glasses askew. "Finally," she said, when they broke apart. "I'm happy for you, man."

"Thanks," Chidi said. He still looked nervous. "I'm going to do it now. I guess I just needed a hope speech or something."

"And you thought I was your best bet?" Eleanor said, disbelievingly. "Not Michael or something?"

"I thought you were my best friend. They seemed interchangeable," Chidi said. He rummaged in his trouser pocket. "I got the ring." He opened the box. On a red velvet cushion sat a thin gold band. The ring had two small diamonds sitting on either side of a slightly larger sapphire. It wasn't flashy. It was also very Simone. It was clear Chidi had thought everything through.

"It's beautiful," Eleanor said. "Really. She'll love it." And she meant it.

Chidi's face was a strange mixture of apprehension and joy. "I hoped you'd say that," he said. He paused. "I'm sure of this. You know? This feels like the right decision."

Eleanor rested a hand on his shoulder. "Hey. A year ago, you told me I deserved love. So do you, man. And you have it. Go get her. Propose."

Chidi smiled, a little sadly. His eyes were red. "See. You are good at hope speeches."

"Don't go getting used to it," Eleanor said. “I still think you’re dumb.” She gave him a little shove. "Go. Take her outside. Get your girl. And make sure that you tell her I'm still willing to be her maid of honour, and if that was actually a joke on her end, she can't stop me doing it anyway."

She watched from the kitchen doorway as Chidi took Simone by the hand and led her out of the apartment, before relocating to the window to watch as they walked out of the door and Chidi got down on one knee.

Even all this way up, she imagined she could hear Simone's yes. She looked away when the two of them started kissing. This was their moment, after all.

“What are you looking at?” Tahani said, suddenly appearing behind her. Our future, Eleanor thought. She rested her chin on Eleanor’s shoulder.

Eleanor smiled, even though Tahani couldn’t see it. “Doesn’t matter.” She closed her eyes and let herself melt into Tahani. She could hear Christmas music echoing from somewhere in the house. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Tahani said easily.

And that was it, wasn’t it? The great answer at the end of everything?

Eleanor had spent years being best friends with a man who was plagued by an inability to find "the answer." That one reason for life, the absolute, inescapable moral truth. Nothing else mattered but this one elusive answer, which always seemed to linger slightly out of reach.

Eleanor thought she had found it, now.

The answer was that every single thing Eleanor had ever been through had led her to this apartment on Christmas Day, three months into the psychology degree Chidi had insisted she would be perfect for, swaying slightly to Let It Snow in the arms of the woman she loved, surrounded by the family she had chosen.

"You deserve to be loved," Chidi had told her, once. Back then, Eleanor hadn't known how much she had craved being loved like this. She hadn't known how much she would grow to rely on it. She needed it now, like she needed oxygen. For better or for worse, it was her vice.

There was no answer, Eleanor thought. But these people were the answer. Tahani in particular, in all her too-tall sexy giraffe idiot glory, was the lost piece of the puzzle that Eleanor hadn't even known was missing.

She felt complete. The whole universe was contained within these few small rooms.

"Merry Christmas," Tahani said softly.

And Eleanor would keep her for many more of those. Terrible taste in coffee and all.

Everything was fine.