Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The pain is immediate.

Sharp. 

By the time Vi yanks her jacket down, the skin is already torn. Blood is slipping down her arm. That’s about all the warning she gets before pain laces through her side, hip and ankle in rapid succession. Her heart picks up at the sight of the blood. 

“Fuck.”

Then.

“Cait.”

Vi looks around as though her soulmate will appear. She doesn’t, of course she doesn’t. Vi’s on a walkway making her way deeper into Zaun. Cait is supposed to be on a standard patrol. They are going to meet later for coffee and pastries at one of the cafes between their two cities. 

Vi was almost convinced today was the day she was going to spit out the words. 

That’s the last thing on her mind as she yanks out a roll of gauze and wraps it around her arm. Ever since Cait announced she was joining the Enforcers, Vi’s been carrying around a med kit. Just in case. Mostly it’s been paper cuts and the occasional bruise or scrape. Nothing serious. Definitely not as serious as Caitlyn makes them out to be when she examines each bandage Vi has slapped on with careful fingers and an apologetic look. Like they aren’t mirrored on her own skin. Vi doesn’t mind, but she lets Caitlyn buy the coffee to make her feel better. Crouching down she re-arranges the laces on her boots to give their ankle more support and pulls her jacket back up. 

Her mind goes back as she tries to remember where Caitlyn said she was patrolling. She always tells the route, even though its confidential enforcer business and she’s technically not supposed to. Their Connection flows in sensations. Pain is the easiest to recognize, it’s the one all the pairs share. Other sensations come across their bond too, that’s not something all soulmates get. But it always stops at sensations. Never thoughts. Which some tiny part of Vi is grateful for because she’s not ready to talk about those things yet. Even though she tells Cait everything else. But right now she’s definitely not grateful for it. Especially not when she feels her heart start to pick up no matter how steadily she breathes. 

It’s not her heart. 

Worse, her ankle feels the same. 

Cait’s not running, she’s panicking. 

Vi takes off towards the nearest Enforcer station. She hopes the ache in her ankle isn’t going to make Caitlyn’s situation worse, but it’s not her biggest worry right now. Her heart’s already racing and pumping blood so she leans into the adrenaline as she hauls herself up towards Piltover. Even though the temptation is there to pull herself up like she knows how, she forces herself up the stairs. She uses the railing to swing herself up and save their ankle wherever she can. 

She’s mid-swing when pain laces up her side. 

She barely manages to catch herself on the rail as blood pours down her side. The arm was worrying, but this is something else. She leans against the railing and fumbles out the med kit with wet hands. Her fingers tremble as she undoes the buttons of her vest and the shirt underneath. She shoves the gauze against the wound and presses hard. It hurts like hell but she thinks about Caitlyn. Caitlyn is somewhere panicking, in pain and whoever did this is around. Even though she wants to collapse, Vi shoves herself forward. She leaves wet handprints on the rail but it’s the least of her concerns a she gets up to the pristine white-stoned streets. 

It’s getting harder to think. 

Enforcers. She has to get to the Enforcers. Ironic, when she spent so much of her life trying to not be spotted by them. Now she is in love with one that hurt and relying on some others to save her. There’s a vicious irony that even she can appreciate as she staggers towards Caitlyn’s station. People are looking at her weirdly but Vi doesn’t have the energy to tell them to fuck off. Everything’s going towards breathing and putting one foot in front of the other. She’s got to be getting close. 

“Excuse me!” 

Enforcers. 

“Let me see your hands!”

That’s not gonna happen. 

“Hey! Did you hear me? I said—“ the Blue Belly comes in front of her and his eyes widen in horror. Horror and, Vi hopes, recognition, “I need backup and a medic—“

“No,” she gasps out, “backup and medic to Officer Kiramman’s location. Her patrol started on—“

“Easy, easy,” he grabs her as her legs buckle, “medic!”

“No,” Vi shakes her head, “Caitlyn. You need to find Cait.”

Then there’s a sharp pain in her skull. 

And it all goes dark. 

She wakes up in the hospital. 

Again. 

“Where’s Caitlyn?” She demands through the oxygen mask someone has clapped onto her face, “did you find Officer Kiramman?”

There’s a flurry of people around her suddenly. Then, thankfully, Vander appears. He pushes them all aside and puts his hand on her forearm. Vi finally looks down to see both of her hands have been wrapped up. One has been made into a mitten. The other is just her palm and up past her wrist. Her heart pounds as she looks at the bandages. A flex of her legs tells her her ankles are in a similar state. Bindings around her ankles and wrists. This is bad. 

“Dad—“

“Vi it’s going to be okay,” Vander soothes, “they’ve got teams out looking for her.”

“I need to look!”

His face darkens and Vi wonder how many times she’s made the request and can’t remember. From the annoyed look that passes among the staff, she’s guessing it’s a lot. She can barely feel any of the pain which is a good and bad sign. It means they’ve got her on enough drugs to take the edge off. It’s good because it’s lessening some of Caitlyn’s pain. It’s bad because holy shit there isn’t a part of her not banged up. She looks desperately at dad and he gives her a sympathetic look. 

“Right now you need to stay here,” he says. 

“No, no way,” Vi shakes her head, “Dad—“ she’s cut off by a sting in her bottom lip and she tastes blood, “I have to help her.”

“This is helping her,” he says, shifting the oxygen mask and pushing a tissue against Vi’s lip.

“How long was I out?” Vi asks. 

“A few hours,” Vander says and her stomach bottoms out without any help from Caitlyn’s dire situation, “Vi,” he shifts the mask back onto her face, “Vi, breathe.”

Vi tries to copy the puff of his cheeks but the panic is crippling. She’s been laying here getting beat up for hours and she’s the one whose better off. Caitlyn is somewhere. She could be anywhere. They clearly haven’t found her. Vi knows this has turned from a missing officer to a kidnapped heiress situation. Even before she sees Cassandra Kiramman talking to a man clad in black. Even the best security money can buy can’t find Caitlyn. It makes Vi want to puke, but from the dryness in her throat she doesn’t think that’s going to help matters. 

“I need ice,” she says, “lemon ice.”

Vander looks at the doctor who nods. Vi knows they might need to take her in for surgery but this barely counts. She likes the cherry better but this isn’t for her. All soulmates can feel pain across their bond, but if your bond is strong then you can feel other things too. The lemon hits a different part of her taste buds than the sweet cherry. She shoves it into her mouth and holds it against her tongue, hoping Caitlyn can feel it. Wherever she is. 

Because even hours later, they don’t know. 

“Still?!” Vi demands. 

“Vi,” Vander says. Cassandra Kiramman’s face is starting to look gaunt with worry, “they’re doing everything they can.”

“It’s not enough!” Vi shoots back, “I can find her—“

Vander catches her before she gets up fully, his hands firmly on her shoulders. 

“She needs you here,” he reminds her, “if you’re both out there—“ he doesn’t’ finish but he doesn’t need to, “you need to rest. For both of you.”

Vi opens her mouth to protest again but then the procession of carts begins. Carts with little labels like ‘chest’ and ‘intubation’ and ‘exsanguination’ and ‘crash’. Little boxes that are supposed to keep her and Caitlyn alive should the worst happen. The only way they do that is by keeping her body going. One of the nurses gives her an apologetic look and motions at the top of her ear. Vi fumbles out her earrings. 

“It’s just a precaution,” the nurse says. 

Vaguely Vi remembers Caitlyn explaining how long a kidnapping victim usually gets before a ransom note is given. How long they get before body parts start coming back. Vi rubs her earlobes with her less bandaged hand and wonders if that’s where they’re going to start. She doesn’t give a shit about her earlobes but Caitlyn—she can’t think about them cutting off pieces of Caitlyn. She has to stay calm for both of them. 

“You should get some rest,” Vander says 

“Seriously?” Vi asks. 

“For Caitlyn,” he says. 

That gets her to nod instead of pointing out she’s got a better chance at walking out of here and finding her at the cafe they were supposed to meet at. Cassandra Kiramman meets her eyes through the window and Vi tries to smile at her. It doesn’t work so instead she settles for a half yawn. Tries to show her she’s okay and so is Caitlyn, even though neither of them truly believe it. Still it’s enough for the circus to darken the lights a bit. 

“I’m gonna let the others know we’ll be here overnight,” Vander tells her and then slips out as well. 

Alone, Vi wraps her arms around her middle. Their bond is strong. They can feel more than pain echoing between them. She needs Caitlyn to feel this. She needs her to feel she’s there in some way. Even if Vi waited too long to get the words out, Caitlyn has to know she’s with her. Neither of them are ready to die. The thought of leaving everyone makes Vi sick. The only thing that sounds worse is having to learn to live without her soulmate. She’s not meant to. Neither of them are. That’s the only comfort Vi has in this. If Caitlyn goes, she goes too. 

Two halves of a whole. 

There’s a stinging pain on her fingertip and Vi watches a good piece of her nail fall away. They keep their nails short and practical. There’s another stinging feeling but it barely registers up her fingertip. It’s a scratch. It starts at the base of her fingers. Vi rips the bandage off as the scratches purposefully dig into her flesh. 

W-A-R-H-O-U-S-E 

O-N 

S-U-L-L-I-V-A-N

Vi slams her hand into the buzzer.

“I found her!”

There’s an entire circus in the room again.

Vi’s glad she missed the first one. 

“Really, I’m fine,” Caitlyn protests as they slap monitors on her and tuck a hospital gown around her, “these are just going to show you the same thing!”

“Let them work,” Vi says. 

Caitlyn opens her mouth and then closes it, pressing her lips together. Vi focuses on the team that surrounds her. This place is specially equipped for soulmates. One nurse sprays something numbing in her arm as Caitlyn’s IV is inserted. Her machines are shut off and switched on in sync with Caitlyn’s so their blood pressure cuffs will sync with that annoying squeezing they do. The grey cap on her finger is moved in to another and matched with Caitlyn’s so even that discomfort will be the same. Their numbers are identical, right down the wavy line of their heart monitors. Finally the teams step back. 

Vi feels like she’s fourteen again. 

At least Caitlyn’s awake this time. 

The circus slips out, half to attend other patients and half to update Caitlyn’s parents. Caitlyn opens her mouth to speak and then closes it. They have maybe a minute before her mom comes flying into the room. Less if the click of heels is any indication. Vi’s hand squeezes like someone is holding it. Caitlyn offers a small smile that cuts right to Vi’s core. She can’t figure out how to make her face reciprocate the gesture before the door bangs open and Caitlyn’s parents come flying into the room, throwing the curtain shut between them. It doesn’t matter. Her own forehead grows tacky with the feeling of Cassandra Kiramman’s lipstick and her cheek itches with the brush of Tobias Kiramman’s whiskers. The feel of her own hand being squeezed echoes along their bond. 

Even though she’s hidden by the curtain, Vi still feels like she’s doing something forbidden when she lifts the squeezed hand to her lips and kisses her own knuckles. 

For a beat nothing happens.

Then. 

“Tobias! Get the doctor, I think she has a fever! Look how flushed she is!”

Cherry-lemon is not a bad combo, thank the Gods. 

“The nail thing was smart,” she says, trying to dig at the ice, “but I think we’re gonna lose it.”

Caitlyn sighs in annoyance even though it’s like the least of their problems. It’s an inconvenience compared to the rest of it. But no-one cut their earlobes off and their hearts are still beating. Vi is calling it a win. Even though Caitlyn keeps trying to apologize like it’s somehow her fault. Vi has to keep coming up with new ways to shut it down. But she’s not sure either of them can handle another brain freeze. The nail thing is minor but it’s annoying as they scrape at the ices. 

“I’m sorry,” Caitlyn says. 

“Cait!” Vi rolls her eyes.

“Would you let me finish?” Caitlyn questions, “I’m not apologizing for this,” she says, motioning around with her spoon. She stabs the ice, “I’m sorry because we were supposed to get coffee afterwards and you sounded excited.”

Excited.

Nervous. 

Both?

Soulmates are one thing. They’re their own thing. She and Caitlyn will be soulmates for the rest of their days. She will always have Caitlyn no matter what happens in her life. Literally. Vi hates to even think about her family dying. She know she’ll want to die if that happens, but that will be the extent of it. She’ll never watch Caitlyn die. Caitlyn will never watch her die. Their hearts will stop at the exact same time down to the millisecond. That bond is sacred. In a way it makes the prospect of confessing your feelings even scarier. Not just because you’re confessing your feelings but if you fuck up the relationship—you break your own heart. Sure there are soulmates who never speak. Who drink the bond away or cut themselves to punish their other half. Vi doesn’t think she could bear it. But she doesn’t know how to bear the idea of Caitlyn in love with someone else either. 

“I’ll tell you when we’re out of here, how ‘bout that?” Vi says. 

Caitlyn’s smile turns sad but she nods. 

“We’ll get coffee.”

“Vi!”

“Vi stay with us!”

Dimly Vi is aware she’s flying. There’s a bang up ahead. She forces her eyes open as the lights shift from tiles to the big round ones. Her body feels like it’s being sucked away. She’s lifted onto a table and looks over to see Caitlyn on it’s twin. Her lips are colorless and her eyes are wet. Something’s horribly wrong. Vi watches and feels as their arms are strapped down so they can’t even squeeze their own hands. All they can do is look at each other. 

“Sorry,” Caitlyn mouths. 

Their hearts will stop at the same time. 

Down to the millisecond. 

They’ll never live without the other. 

“I love you,” Vi whispers back.

Tears break free on Caitlyn’s face. But her lips curve up. 

“Love you too,” she whispers. 

Then the doctors guide her head up and fit a mask over her face. 

A moment later the same is done to Vi. 

“Count back from ten,” the doctor instructs. 

She gets to eight. 

She wakes with a scratchy throat.

But she wakes up. 

Actually she wakes up second this time. Because by the time she pries her eyes open Caitlyn is climbing into her bed. Vi barely manages to scoot over enough but Caitlyn doesn’t seem to care. She’s disconnected all of her monitors but Vi never got the point of two sets. Caitlyn is still pale but she’s looking at lot better. The IV pole she’s attached to still has a bag of blood hanging from it. Vi doesn’t need to look she has the same. Caitlyn wiggles down so they’re sharing the pillow. Vi touches her chest and feels the bandage taped there. 

“There was a bleed,” Caitlyn whispers.

“Did we—“

“I think so,” she says. 

Vi looks up and bites down on her lip, just enough to dent it. The same dent appears on Caitlyn’s. Relief swamps through her. Even though there is no evidence of the bond being broken through death, the idea of being without Caitlyn terrifies her more than she can say. She shifts over so she’s facing Caitlyn. They reach for each other at the same time and just wrap their limbs together. It’s only been days but suddenly the world makes sense again. They let out twin sighs as Vi’s heart rate monitor steadies. They’re alive and they have each other. That’s the most important thing. 

“Was that what you were going to tell me?” Caitlyn asks into her chest, “that you love me?”

Vi opens her mouth and then closes it and nods. Caitlyn nuzzles closer to her. 

“That’s such a relief,” she sighs, “I was planning to tell you the same thing.”

“What?” Vi stares down at the crown of her midnight hair, “you were?”

“Of course I was,” Caitlyn says, peering up at her, “I’ve loved you since I woke up.”

Vi doesn’t know which one of them starts the tears first. But she doesn’t question if they’re tears of relief, the feeling is too strong. They just hug each other closer. Until there’s a knock at the door. Vi doesn’t want to do another one of the circuses. She glances to make sure it’s not Tobias and then flips off whoever is trying to come in to poke and prod them. Caitlyn makes a fond, exasperated noise that rakes across the rawness in Vi’s throat. But then she tightens her arms around Vi and Vi doesn’t care.

“Violet,” she sighs, much more fondly than when they were fourteen. 

“What? Can’t I just hold you?” Vi asks, feigning innocence, “they’re gonna make you go back over there if they come in.”

Her finger throbs as Caitlyn tightens her hands in her hospital gown. 

Vi isn’t ready for that to happen either. 

She’s out of her fucking mind. 

Vi looks at the blue pants and the white t-shirt. She’s gone insane. No-one is going to let her live this down. And yet, it didn’t stop her from signing the forms or taking the clothes. It didn’t stop the warm feeling in her chest when Cassandra Kiramman hugged her so tightly she thought Caitlyn would feel it. She’s hated Enforcers for as long as she can remember. Caitlyn’s the exception. She’s a good one. Vi doesn’t know if there’s more, she doesn’t care. She’s not doing this to protect people, she’s doing it to protect Caitlyn so she can protect people. Somehow she thought the hardest thing would be telling Caitlyn she loves her. 

Turned out that was the easy one. 

Vi steps out of the bathroom to see Caitlyn already changed. They’ve established they have feelings for each other. But the other stuff is going to come slowly with their injuries and the protectiveness they feel towards each other. This is it for them. They both know it. This is the relationship Vi will be in until she dies, with the person she will have until she dies. And she’s going to do everything in her power to make sure that day is a long time off. Caitlyn smiles when she hears the door close before she goes back to business. 

“So I will see you after my evaluation,” Caitlyn says, scraping her hair into a ponytail, “and we can talk.”

“Actually—“ Vi says.

Caitlyn turns around. 

Her eyes widen at the sight of Vi’s matching garments. Then they flood with tears. Vi’s own eyes flood right back as she crosses the room and goes to pull Caitlyn into an embrace. Caitlyn flattens her hands on her shoulders and looks at what she’s wearing. 

“But you hate Enforcers,” Caitlyn breathes. 

“Yeah, but I love you,” Vi says, “I want to protect you.”

Caitlyn laughs wetly. 

“You can’t just join the Enforcers to protect me,” she says. 

“Your mom thought differently,” Vi says, pulling out the trainee badge, “besides I figure if I protect you and we wind up protecting some other people along the way—that still counts.”

Caitlyn opens her mouth and then closes it. She looks down at the badge and then back to Vi’s face. Vi can feel their hearts racing in sync, no monitor required. But there’s something impossibly soft and happy on Caitlyn’s face as she looks from the badge to Vi. A shiver goes down Vi’s spine as her hands shift from her shoulders to wrap around her neck. The hand without the half healed nail strokes through the hairs at the nape of Vi’s neck. 

“So we’re partners,” Caitlyn says. 

“Damn right,” Vi says, letting her hands settle on Caitlyn’s waist, “if I pass this stupid test.”

Caitlyn’s eyes flick to her lips and the old, matching scars they share. Vi wonders what it’s going to feel like to kiss her soulmate. She’s felt the echoes of pleasure across their bond but it’s not something they’ve ever talked about. They can talk about it now. They can discover it now. All the shit she was worried about doesn’t even seem to matter as she dips her head. Only to be stopped by the press of Caitlyn’s forehead. 

“After,” she whispers. 

“After?” Vi gets out around the ache she knows Caitlyn shares, “Cupcake—“

“Think of it as motivation not to call this ‘stupid’ in front of your evaluators,” she says. The wicked smile turns soft again, “I need my partner.”

Anything snarky Vi wants to say falls away and she nods with the simple truth on her lips. She needs her too. So much. 

“Ready to watch the course record get beaten?”

Caitlyn sighs and her breath tickles Vi’s face. 

After. 

They both know who holds the record.

“Violet.”

“Come on, it’ll still be held by a soulmate pair,” she says, shifting so her arm is around Caitlyn’s waist. Caitlyn picks up their duffle bags and wraps her arm around Vi’s shoulder, “I gotta impress my partner.”

“You’re very impressive,” Caitlyn says, “but you’re not beating my record.”

“We’ll see.”

The record stands. 

But later when Vi feels the echos of Caitlyn’s pleasure mixing with her own as they kiss, she finds she could care less. 

She has her partner. 

That’s the only thing that matters. 

Chapter Text

“The fighting’s reached the bridge,” the Enforcer says, relaying the message. 

Cassandra nods her acknowledgement. Things have been prepared for their possible evacuation. Something is different about this riot. The people are more determined, they fight harder than they have before. There are more of them. Intelligence has said it’s more focused this time. They have a clear goal and leader, which takes this from skirmish to riot. Evacuation is unlikely, but it is possible. It grows closer to the former with every bit they gain. The bridge is a key point, according to security. If they take the bridge, evacuation will have to be considered. They must not take the bridge. 

“Load the transport,” she says. 

Cassandra makes her way to the parlor where Caitlyn and Tobias are waiting. She is torn between not worrying Caitlyn and satisfying her daughter’s curiosity. Caitlyn is turning into quite the detective. While Cassandra keeps her own list of Caitlyn’s growing injuries, Caitlyn has taken to cataloguing them herself. Injuries, theories, anything she can find about her other half. The number of bruises is troubling, but it’s been nothing terrible. Those aches are tolerable to Caitlyn. It’s the new pains that surprise her, like five years ago when burns started appearing on her hands. But it’s been some time since that. It feels as though they are waiting for another such wave, but she can only hope it doesn’t happen now.

Caitlyn’s scream splits the air a moment after the thought.

Cassandra bolts to the parlor. Caitlyn erupts into coughs before she can scream again. Her hands are shoved against her eyes as she tries to get a full breath of air. Tobias has the kit open already, but Caitlyn is in the throes of pain. Cassandra pulls her into her lap and gently—but firmly—locks their fingers together and crosses their joined arms across Caitlyn’s chest. Caitlyn whimpers loudly and looks at her with reddened, tearful eyes. Confusion and pain are written across her face before she erupts back into coughs. 

“Caitlyn what does it feel like?” Cassandra asks, “sweetheart—“

“B-b-burning,” Caitlyn whines, “it burns,” she whimpers again, “my knees hurt.”

Tobias works with a doctors hands to push up Caitlyn’s pant lets to reveal scraped skin. Their eyes meet over her head and Cassandra’s stomach drops as the thought occurs to them both at the same time. Their daughter’s soulmate has been sprayed with tear gas and fallen to her knees. She is either on the bridge or she is nearby. A child, caught in a riot. The thought is horrifying enough but now Cassandra sees it’s her daughter caught in this riot. Evacuation won’t matter, they cannot get Caitlyn away from this violence. Not if her Soulmate is caught in the middle of it. 

“On her side,” Tobias says as Cassandra shifts her while Tobias opens a bottle of distilled water, “Caitlyn keep your eyes open.”

“Tell them to call off the bridge strike!” Cassandra shouts, “no lethal force!” The Enforcer stares at her, “tell them now!”

Cassandra holds Caitlyn as Tobias pours water across her face and flushes out her eyes. He fits the child sized mask around her mouth and nose and tells her to breathe. The knees are a secondary concern, but they also must be tended to. Cassandra can only hope whoever has the sense to see a child in this fight will get her out and tend to them as well. They flush out Caitlyn’s eyes and hold her until the pain starts to lessen. The strike is called off, force is dialed back, but Cassandra doesn’t let Caitlyn out of her sight until they get word the bridge is clear. Only then does she loosen her hold on her daughter, and only with great reluctance. Tear gas on a child. If they had been on their way who knows what might have happened.

“I want every Enforcer interviewed. If anyone saw anything resembling a child, they are to come to me immediately.”

Caitlyn keeps a list of things she suspects about her Soulmate. 

She is most likely from Zaun. 

She does not get a lot to eat. 

She has a baby she cares for.

She punches things. 

The baby one is one she is reasonably certain about. And only because when her dad examined the dotted blisters on her hand, he and her mom said they looked like the drops from testing a bottle. The thought had made Caitlyn’s head spin. Her own nighttime bottle was a fresh memory. How was her Soulmate making them? That was when she had been introduced to the idea of being so poor you did not have a nanny. When another child came, you had to help out if you were old enough. Caitlyn thinks of her hungry Soulmate making bottles so another won’t starve and bursts into tears. She begs for an extra serving of dessert that night. Not for her, she’s stuffed, but for her Soulmate. So her Soulmate will have a full belly too. 

When her eyes stop burning and her mother lets her go, Caitlyn moves ‘Zaun’ from her possible page to her definite one. 

A few weeks later she hears that there were two girls on the bridge. One looked a bit older. She led the smaller one, the smaller one was covering her eyes. But then the bigger one burst into tears and fell to her knees. They were carried away. That is all they know. Her mother is immediately frustrated but Caitlyn is delighted at the information. She gets the notebook out and writes the new information on the appropriate page. ‘Big Sister’. She then turns back to the suspected page. ‘Orphan’ goes there. Until she’s sure. Even though her fingers itch to put it on the definite page. That is not how this works. 

Her parents try to find the girls. 

They offer rewards for information. They interview anyone still alive who might have information. Even Sheriff Grayson starts going down there to look but no-one ever finds them. It’s like they’ve vanished into the depths of Zaun. They’re alive though. Caitlyn knows it in her bones. She knows it because she’s alive. She can’t explain it but she has another feeling deep in her guts if the little one was gone, her Soulmate would be too. She spends weeks afterwards vaguely nauseous and with no appetite. But it’s not her that has no appetite. So she forces the food down her throat. After she vomits once she asks her father for the tablets that make her stomach feel better and takes them before every meal. She keeps the food down better then. It takes several months before she doesn’t have to take them consistently. But Caitlyn eats the whole time, she eats for both of them. 

The bruises start in earnest after that. 

It’s almost embarrassing to appear so clumsy. No, it is embarrassing. And aggravating. If people don’t think she’s clumsy, they tell her they’re sorry her Soulmate is. They insult her Soulmate and are envious in the same breath. She’s clumsy but she has Caitlyn for a Soulmate. Caitlyn cannot stand it anymore so she picks up the rifle with the biggest recoil and focuses on making her own bruises. Her Soulmate seems fine getting bruised but Caitlyn cannot stand hearing about how she is the perfect Soulmate and hers is not. Her Soulmate has a difficult life, Caitlyn will not make it worse. 

One day they will meet and Caitlyn is determined to look her in the eye when they do. 

When her Soulmate starts making bruises of her own, Vi is relieved. 

She was starting to get worried. 

Everyone has a Soulmate. But Soulmates don’t always arrive at the same time. Vi came into the world a few weeks early and was quiet. Babbette had said she was fine, just waiting. A few weeks later Vi woke screaming and wailing and they knew her pair had arrived. Safely, thank the Gods. Being born was dangerous. But she wailed and somewhere a twin wail echoed as they screamed. Her mom had rocked and soothed until Vi quieted, singing happy birthday to a girl she would never meet. 

Vi loved hearing that story. She loved any story her mom told her about her Soulmate. Even though they didn’t know a lot. She was younger. She was alive. From the way Vi pinked up after her birth, she had money and parents and a place to call home. Every night when Vi would curl under the thin blanket, her mother would tell her to think of her Soulmate. Think of her in a big warm bed being tucked in. Vi would screw her eyes shut and picture it so hard it felt like the cold went away. 

Then mom died and Vander didn’t have the same stories. Soulmates made him sad. So Vi stopped asking. At night she would curl up and remind herself what she knew so she wouldn’t forget. Her Soulmate had a big, beautiful house and parents who loved her. She had enough food. She had medicine. It stung that she was in Piltover, but Vi knew she was growing bigger and stronger because her Soulmate was there. When things got really tough, when she had to go without, she would wake up with a full belly because of her Soulmate. And even if it stung it was hard to be anything but grateful because as long as her Soulmate had everything, Vi had enough. 

And if Vi had enough, there was more to give to Powder. 

She whispers sorry to every bruise she gets, but she can’t stop getting them. Not if she wants to be able to run. It feels bad because she knows her Soulmate has them. Vander looks worried and if he’s worried, she can’t imagine what her Soulmate’s parents think. Given how quickly her bruises go away, she knows they’re watching them. Tending to them. Because of that Vi can run faster than the other kids, she can climb higher, she recovers quickly. She’s more banged up in the beginning but by the time people are getting really hurt, she’s found her footing. 

“How’d you get that?” Vander grumbles one night when she shows up with a black eye.

“Ask my Soulmate,” Vi says with pride in her voice. 

That surprises him and any scolding falls silent. He actually fishes out some ice that they use for drinks and stuffs it into a clean rag, pressing it to her face. Then he pours her a glass of lemonade. Her Soulmate likes sour things. She likes sweet so he also puts a few of the red cherries they top their most expensive drinks with. 

“How do you think she got it?” He asks. 

“Doing something awesome,” Vi says, biting into one of the precious cherries, “my shoulder’s sore too.”

“Sounds like a recoil from a rifle,” Vander says, “anywhere else?”

“Toes are sore,” Vi lists, “and my eye started tearing.”

“What do you think?”

“She was shooting and running,” Vi says, “getting dirty,” the thought makes her grin, “like I said she was doing something awesome.”

Vander smiles and starts drying the glass. 

“Sound like you two will get along great.”

Vi grins. 

It’s not how he imagined this going.

Not in his wildest nightmares.

Vi is so still and small in the bed. It reminds him of how she came into this world. Felicia was so terrified she nearly ran to Piltover to beg for help. She should be here, Vander thinks for the millionth time. She should be here holding Vi’s hand and watching the doctors make her better. But he got her killed years ago. Now he’s all Vi has. Her hand is limp but he holds it tightly, rubbing his thumb over the back of her knuckles so she knows. He can’t say she’s not alone, Vi hasn’t been alone since she was a babe. 

“Come on kid,” he whispers to her, “you can’t check out before you find out how awesome she is.”

There’s a knock on the door. Vi’s doctor is dressed in scrubs. He looks exhausted in a way that doctors aren’t supposed to show. Vander knows it’s luck that they are here at all. He doesn’t want to think about the bill they will present him with at the end. But he’s never been one to let consequences stop his actions. If they save Vi with this exhausted doctor, he’ll take it. He’s kept her alive so far. He comes in but his eyes keep dragging to Vi’s still face. Not the monitors, not Vander, just Vi. The way he’s looking sets off alarms in Vander’s head. 

“I’m Dr. Kiramman,” he says and the tone of his voice is anything but reassuring. He sounds worse than he looks, “I’m the head of emergency medicine.”

“You are?” Vander says before he can stop himself. He though he was dealing with an overworked grunt, “sorry—“

“It’s quite alright,” Dr. Kiramman says, “I wanted to see to your daughter’s case personally.”

“Why?” Vander asks, even though somewhere he knows the answer. 

All the bruises. The tear gas. He has a list of Vi’s injuries a mile long and those are the ones he knows about. Each injury treated with things beyond his means. Vi is bigger and stronger because she’s been fueled by the bond. Felicia had wept with relief when Vi made it through her Soulmate’s birth and again when it became clear Vi was bound to someone with resources to keep them both alive. It had been dark times back then. A lot of babies didn’t make it. They were always the first to go in times like that. They were reasonably sure her Soulmate was in Piltover somewhere. 

Before either of them can say the word, Vi makes a muffled, distressed noise. 

Dr. Kiramman is there instantly. They both crowd over Vi’s prone form. Vi’s eyes slit open and focus on Dr. Kiramman. 

“How are you feeling, Violet?” He asks. Her lips move but Vader can’t hear what she’s saying. Dr. Kiramman smiles sadly, “no apologies,” he says, “you and your Soulmate are going to be fine.”

Vi’s eyes are foggy. Dr. Kiramman looks at her face and then picks up one of her hands. He wipes a bit of gel on one of her fingers and then taps a button on the wall. Vander watches as a moment later a drop of blood wells up in the center of the circle. Vander stares at it as Dr. Kiramman hangs his head. They don’t go on feelings here. They go on proof. He looks at the tube of gel and sees it’s a numbing cream. His mouth goes dry as Dr. Kiramman’s gaze goes to him. 

“Call me Tobias,” he says in the most tired voice Vander has ever heard, “our daughters are confirmed Soulmates,” he says, “we’re going to move them to a special room equipped for this situation.” 

They knew Vi’s Soulmate had resources and in Piltover, but they used to joke there was no way they were beyond the middle bit. Not with how low they were. There had to be something in common. But as Vander follows the procession that’s formed around Vi’s bed he realizes they were both dead wrong. There are armed guards outside the door they arrive at and two more in the waiting room trying to look  like they belong. Then they go inside and he remembers. 

Kiramman. 

Counselor Kiramman. 

The bridge comes rushing back. They were going to take Piltover. Make them see. The Counselors were on that list. They had to keep them from evacuating. In his head they sneered down at them like they always did. But Cassandra Kiramman isn’t sneering. She’s stroking the inky hair of her daughter. Her daughter who is matched with Vi wound for wound. Her teal eyes watch as Vi is wheeled in but there’s nothing on her face that says she’s surprised to see a Zaunite girl there. Though she is surprised to see him with her. Vander remembers the interviews after the riot. The lies he spilled even to Sheriff Greyson. 

“I always wondered why you called off the bridge attack,” he says. He figures it’s been too long a day for secrets. He leaves out the part about it not making sense for her to care Zaunite kids were on the bridge. It’s been too long a day for that too. Anger flickers in Cassandra Kiramman’s eyes but it’s quickly smothered by the worry for her daughter. “She wasn’t supposed to be there,” he says. 

“We call them off as soon as we realized,” Dr. Kiramman says, “thankfully we hadn’t evacuated.”

They might be dead if they had. 

Another thing not worth saying. 

“Must’ve scared her,” he says, nodding towards Caitlyn, “she saved a lot of lives,” he looks at the pair of them, “she’s been saving Vi’s life for years.”

“She knows,” Cassandra speaks up finally. That surprises him, “she’s always tried to help her Soulmate."

“It worked,” Vander says. He watches as their monitors sync up. Caitlyn is so still and quiet, but Vi’s face pinches with discomfort before it smoothes out again, “she’s a fighter,” he says, “she’ll keep them here.”

Cassandra looks from Caitlyn’s slack features to the way Vi’s eyes dart beneath her lids. Her fingers gently stroke through Caitlyn’s hair and they all watch as Vi’s features soften. Vander sits down at Vi’s bed as Tobias checks something before making his way over to Caitlyn and his wife. Vander takes Vi’s hand in his own. To all their surprise, there’s an uptick in Caitlyn’s heart monitor a moment before it echoes in Vi’s. 

“Keep it up, kid,” Vander says quietly to Vi, “you’re almost there.”

Chapter Text

“Why isn’t she waking up?” Vi asks as soon as they take the mask off her face. 

There is no answer. 

She asks it a lot. Her mom had all these stories about what she could glean from her Soulmate. She’s alive because of her. Because of the resources she has, she knew she was well off. That was why she had taken them to the height of Piltover. Even though Mylo and Claggor had complained about it, said they could go around the middle bit and make their lives easier. But Vi had ignored them. Her soulmate lived in the middle bits. That was where Vander and her mom had always gestured to. She wasn’t out to rob her soulmate, she just wanted to make things easier on her. Maybe save her a night of stuffing herself so Vi wouldn’t starve. That was all it was supposed to be. It wasn’t like one of the super rich would even care, they had already been robbed by Ekko’s price gouging. Just a night of things being easier, that was it. 

Except it turns out her Soulmate is Caitlyn Kiramman. 

Daughter of Counselor Cassandra Kiramman and Dr. Tobias Kiramman, the Head of Emergency Medicine at Piltover’s best hospital. 

Turns out if she had been successful, she would have robbed the person whose life she was trying to make easier. Instead she’s managed to get them both mangled and stuck in one of the fancy Soulmate rooms. They both have a blue circle drawn on their fingers where a prick of blood in the exact same spot confirmed they were Soulmates. Which means whenever Vi has gotten a bruise, it’s appeared on a face that is everywhere. She hasn’t been kept alive all these years by a family straining to feed two. She’s been kept alive by the Kiramman’s who could feed an army. It’s hard to wrap her head around. Mostly because she’s spent years flipping her middle fingers at the zenith of Piltover because they never care about anyone but themselves. But she knows her Soulmate cares. She’s felt it every day of her life. 

“How come she’s still asleep?” She questions again. 

“Vi,” Vander cuts in as Dr. Kiramman scrubs his face and Counselor Kiramman runs a comb through Caitlyn’s hair. 

It’s been years since anyone combed Vi’s hair but the tug on her scalp is heavenly. Hypnotic. It makes it hard to focus on what’s important. Caitlyn’s still asleep. The three adults trade a look amongst themselves and Vander clears his throat. 

“There’s a theory,” he starts. 

“Great, what is it?” Vi demands, “how do we get her to wake up?”

The adults trade looks and hope surges through Vi. There’s something. There’s something and they just don’t want to say it. 

“The bond is between you, but there’s only so much energy,” Vander continues, “you’re using most of it right now. Caitlyn is giving it to you.”

“Like she’s been doing,” Vi says and glances at Caitlyn's parents who both look squarely at their daughter, “but she hasn’t been asleep like this?”

“It’s a more extreme version,” Vander says, grasping her hand. Vi gives him the best pleading look she can muster, one that always crippled her when Powder flashes it, “Vi—"

“Please let me help,” she says, and is caught off guard when her eyes burn. She looks over at Caitlyn’s still face, “I wanna help. We’e Soulmates—“ Vander is quiet, “she saved my life.”

“You’d need to go to sleep—" Vander starts. 

“Okay.”

Vander ties them up with explanations and finally Dr. Kiramman joins to explain things more thoroughly. Vi half listens and focuses mostly on keeping her heart steady. Whatever she can do so this will happen. Before she knows it a nurse is fitting a paper bonnet over her head. Vi swallows and looks over at Caitlyn’s still slack face. 

She can do this. 

She just has to look at her soulmate. 

They get wheeled along the hospital corridor into a different room. This one is much more surgical. Vi refuses to give into the fear. She is going to do this for both of them. She moves when they tell her and sits on the table. The doctors lift Cailtyn onto a twin one. The tables are positioned so they are next to each other. If something goes wrong with one, it will go wrong with the other. They strap her arms down. Vi looks up into Dr. Kiramman’s face. His eyes crinkle at the corners. Vi wonders if Caitlyn’s do that too. 

“It’s alright to be scared, Violet,” he says, “but I know you’re strong enough to do this.”

“How?” Vi asks. 

“Because I know Caitlyn is,” he says, “and you’re her Soulmate.”

Vi nods at him. She’s doing this for her Soulmate. Her other half. The person she waited weeks for. Some part of her has been screaming for Caitlyn since the moment Cailtyn was born.

“Did Caitlyn cry when she was born?” She asks. Dr. Kiramman nods, “like really cry?” She asks, “my mom—she said I started crying when my Soulmate was born. Like I was trying to reach her.”

“Caitlyn screamed for hours,” he says, “we thought something was wrong with her,” he continues, “and before that, Cassandra went into labor on your birthday. We had to use drugs to stop it.”

“I waited for her,” Vi says. Her eyes dart over to Caitlyn, “I’m ready,” she says looking back at Dr. Kiramman, “let me go get her.”

He nods and puts the mask over her face.

“Count back from ten.”

Vi gets to eight. 

She’s aware and not aware in the same not-breath. It’s impossible to describe. It’s like she is the bond that has stretched between them her entire life. The doctors were clear. All she has to do is let them put her to sleep. She thinks she’s asleep and not asleep. Alive and not alive. But she’s aware of the bond. That’s all that matters as she tries to move along it. The bond means finding her pair. Her Soulmate. 

She finds her curled up. She’s in a tight ball, arms looped over her head and knees pulled up to her chest. Even though a moment ago Vi is certain she didn’t have knees or arms or any of that. But now she can feel her feet against the cold the same way she feels the cold against Caitlyn’s bare feet. Caitlyn’s shoulders tremble and she curls tighter. 

“Hey,” Vi says. 

“Go away please,” Caitlyn replies in a prim accent, “I’m busy.”

“What’re you doing?” Vi asks. 

“Keeping my Soulmate alive.”

“I’m alive,” Vi volunteers, “good job."

One brilliant teal eye opens and glances up. Vi crouches down as Caitlyn unwinds from the tight ball. She lets Caitlyn look at her. Vi has spent days staring at her, it seems only fair. The only part that’s unfamiliar to her is Caitlyn’s brilliant teal eyes. She’s only seen them when her dad has pulled them open to shine a light in them. Now she watches as they inspect her. It’s weird to be inspected by the person whose spent their entire life keeping you alive. But Vi lets it happen. 

“Did your parents die on the bridge?” 

“Huh?”

“Did they die?” Caitlyn repeats. Of all the things Vi is expecting that’s not it, “I’ve been keeping track of what I suspected about you and what I knew.”

“Oh,” Vi says, “what did you know?”

“You have a little sister. You’re from Zaun,” Caitlyn says, “you take care of her like a mom,” she shrugs, “I know you got tear gassed on the bridge and then your bruises started getting worse.”

“Yes.”

“Yes to what?”

“All of it,” Vi says, “my parents died. My sister’s name is Powder,” she toys with what she thinks is her pant leg, “I’m Violet.”

“Caitlyn,” she says, sticking out her hand. 

Vi grips it and feels something shift. Caitlyn’s eyes widen and she knows that she feels it too. Her other hand grabs at Vi and Vi catches it as they stare at each other. Vi is breathing but not breathing, her heart is racing but not beating. But she knows that Caitlyn is feeling the same thing. She always has. But for the first time she can see it written on Caitlyn’s face. 

“I’m here to get you out,” Vi says. 

“Out of where?” Caitlyn asks. 

“Wherever this is,” Vi says, “I’ve been waiting for you.”

Caitlyn leans on her a little bit more. 

“I’ve been looking for you,” she says. 

Something start to bubble in Vi’s veins and Caitlyn feels the same. Her heart races as she stares at her. Caitlyn looks worried but Vi shakes her head. There’s no reason for either of them to be worried. That’s the whole point of this. If one of them is alive, the other is too. They will never live without each other. Two halves of a whole. 

“I’ll see you in a sec,” Vi says, “open your eyes for me?”

Then she’s gone. 

“Open your eyes for me?” 

“Caitlyn, sweetheart, open your eyes.”

“Miss Kiramman? Open your eyes.”

The voices are all wrong. 

She doesn’t know how she knows they are, but they are. They’re wrong. She needs to ignore them and stay tucked up to keep her Soulmate safe and warm. Like she’s been doing for all their lives. Her Soulmate who has pink hair but is named Violet. She has a sister named Powder. She’s an orphan. She chants the facts to herself so she doesn’t forget them. So she can update her book when she figures out it’s safe to open up again. She just needs to find the right voice. 

“Cait! Come on, Cait! Open your eyes for me!”

Caitlyn’s eyes snap open.

A pair of anguished blue-grey ones hover over her. The pink hair is half hidden by a skewed cap like people wear during surgery. Has she had surgery? Caitlyn can’t quite remember how she got here. She’s laying on her back and there are wires everywhere. She feels sore and the air tastes funny and hisses. But those things flit away as she looks into a face she knows without ever having seen it before. 

“Violet.”

The blue-grey eyes fill with tears that match her own. Their bodies react to the same things across the bond. They’ve shared every bruise, every bump, every everything. But now when Vi brushes her fingers across Caitlyn’s cheek, Caitlyn feels it both on her skin and her fingertips. Vi does too. They stare at each other in stunned silence. 

Then Vi’s eyes roll up and she crumples to the ground. 

Caitlyn gasps as her cheekbone throbs with the initial impact and then with the sensation of her father tapping it. Her throat aches with her Soulmate’s groan as a huge man scoops her up and deposits her back in bed. Caitlyn feels her own tears break free and watches them slip down Vi’s cheeks. Soft hands touch her hair and she turns to see her mother sit on the edge of her bed. 

“She’s alright,” her father says, joining her mother, “she got up too quickly.”

“She’s—here?“ 

Caitlyn can barely force the words out as she looks around the room. It’s one of the Soulmate rooms, the ones set up for the twin pairs when they come in at the same time. When saving one requires saving the other. Caitlyn’s never been allowed in one. She’s only looked longly through the window. Now she’s sitting here with her monitors matching Violet’s. She can barely wrap her head around it. She’s alive. Everything Caitlyn did worked. Then she remembers. 

“Did she blow us up?”

The three adults trade looks. Caitlyn tries to remember. She was carrying the heavy box and then Jayce had been trying to open the door. And then there was a loud explosion and she doesn’t remember much else. Except she had dropped the box when the left side of her arm burned like she had flung it up to protect herself. Her last thought had been she hoped her Soulmate wasn’t doing anything too dangerous. She never imagined she was on the other side of the door. 

The rapid thud of her heart is echoed in Violet’s monitor. Caitlyn watches as her brows draw together and she opens her eyes. Even though Caitlyn is waiting for an explanation from one of the adults, the only thing she can do is stare at her Soulmate. The world seems to go fuzzy when they look at each other. Her own face gets hot as color splashes across Violet’s cheeks. 

“Took you long enough,” she mutters, like they both aren’t crying and blushing. 

“You blew us up,” Caitlyn says. 

Violet’s blue-grey eyes search her face and then she nods. Caitlyn doesn’t have the words for what she feels. She glances around as her fingers twitch with all this new information. Even though pulling her gaze away from Violet’s is very difficult. But her head feels like it’s swimming with all this new information. 

“Hey she needs her notebook,” Violet says. Everyone looks at her and Caitlyn feels her own cheeks get hotter, but then the heels of her hands press with the sensation of nails even though her hands are flat, “the one where she writes about me?”

Caitlyn wants to cry again when her mother hands her the notebook and her pen. All of her potentials get turned into things she knows about her Soulmate. Even though it’s barely a page of information, seeing it all written out in its proper place soothes something in her. She looks over at her Soulmate who is still as pink as her hair. 

“I go by Vi,” she says. 

Caitlyn nods and adds it to the list. 

Vi’s fainting is followed by her wanting to sleep again. Even though she’s done nothing more than jot some words down on the page. Still her mother presses her lips to her forehead and the adults slip out of the room together. Caitlyn fights the pull of sleep. With how exhausted her parents look it’s been a while. She’s worried them terribly. Caitlyn feels guilt worm at her. She knows what it is to worry. 

The subject of her worry, though, is no longer a vague cause for concern. Caitlyn inhales sharply at the feel of the cold tiles and watches as Vi scrambles out of her bed and climbs over into hers. Caitlyn watches as all of her monitors whine until Vi smacks them off. Then she tiptoes over and climbs in with her. Caitlyn lifts her head and feels the impossibly wonderful sensation of her own hair draping over someone else’s arm. 

“I didn’t mean to blow us up,” Vi says, “I was trying to make sure you didn’t have to stuff yourself because I was hungry.”

“You knew?” Caitlyn breathes. 

“Yeah, ‘course I knew,” Vi says going red again, “you kept me alive,” her face goes even redder, “you kept my sister alive too,” she mumbles. 

“I knew you had a sister,” Caitlyn breathes, pulling out her notebook, “my father said the burn marks looked like testing a bottle.”

Vi stares at the note and her throat bobs. Suddenly she looks much closer to a peer than someone who managed to blow them both up. She looks like someone who had no business testing a bottle when they were both just off them. 

“You iced them,” Vi says. 

Caitlyn nods. 

“Thanks.”

Vi whispers the word and Caitlyn feels it in her bones and heart and soul. Even though she did it for both of them, the way Vi says it tells her all of it was for a reason. All of it was worth it. Before she can stop herself Caitlyn reaches up and touches Vi’s cheek. Vi stares at her with wide eyes and Caitlyn stares right back. She feels like something in her world has shifted irrevocably. And she never wants to go back. She shifts her head so she’s facing Vi, but her hand never leaves her cheek. 

“So you were stealing from me--for me?” Caitlyn asks. 

Vi stares at her and then her face breaks into a wide grin. One Caitlyn can’t help but return. One she wants to see all the time. The blush doesn’t leave either of their faces. Caitlyn is glad because she’s certain if it did, she would bring it right back with the feeling coiling in her stomach. 

“Yeah, I was,” Vi says, her smile slipping, “prices on everything went up again.”

“That’s terrible,” Caitlyn says, “we’ll do something about it.”

Vi stares at her, wide-eyed at how she says it. 

“What?”

“We’ll fix it,” Caitlyn promises, ignoring the voice in her head that sounds like her mother and advises caution, “we’ll tell my mum about it and we’ll make things better. That’s what the Council does.”

“No it doesn’t,” Vi says, but her tone doesn’t harden in the way Caitlyn is expecting. In the way people’s tones harden when they are upset with her mother, “not for Zaun.”

Caitlyn can feel how calm Vi is. She knows Vi's telling the truth. 

“Then we’ll fix that too.”

Vi stares at her in surprise but Caitlyn’s mind is already working on how they are going to do this. She grabs her notebook again and flips to a clean page, handing it over to Vi and pressing the pen into her hands. Vi takes them both without any protest. Even though Caitlyn doesn’t say what she wants, Vi begins to write out the things that need to be fixed. Her penmanship is bolder than Caitlyn’s, but she can see similarities in how they draw certain letters. 

“Close your eyes,” Vi says. Caitlyn looks up at her, “you need to sleep.”

“But what if I—“ Caitlyn starts.

“I know how to find you this time,” Vi interjects, “I’ll come get you.”

Caitlyn looks at her for a moment longer before deciding she can trust her Soulmate. Like she always has. That’s what having a Soulmate is. You trust them not to kill you every moment your hearts beat as one. Even though they’ve lived impossibly different lives, they’re together now. Now as she sees the determination on Vi’s face and feels her arm wrapped around her shoulder, Caitlyn feels like she can put a weight down. Like she’s free. It’s enough to get her to close her eyes and relax into Vi’s embrace. 

When she wakes up she’s on her side. Vi is wedged behind her, arms wrapped around her waist. Even though she’s never slept with someone like this, it's instantly comforting and oddly familiar. Caitlyn recalls many nights feeling vaguely as though she had been hugged all night, even though she hadn’t. Now she feels the sensation in her arms and around her middle. Vi has them turned so the bruise on their cheekbones isn’t on the pillow. It’s the first morning where Caitlyn doesn’t have to wonder if her Soulmate is okay, if she has to get medicine or food or something else. Caitlyn can just let her eyes close and fall back asleep to the sound of her Soulmate’s breathing.

Her Soulmate is Vi. 

And she’s finally found her. 

Chapter Text

Vi lasts about ten seconds after getting the badge before she flees to the locker room and starts to hurl. 

Caitlyn is glad she ignored breakfast this morning. Her original intention had been to grab something on the way to the evaluation but the moment Vi stepped out in her blue pants she put that plan aside. Vi is incredibly brave and determined. She always has been, even if she is forever giving Caitlyn the credit for keeping them both alive. But Caitlyn knows she would not be the first Piltover girl who died of starvation and malnutrition or the Grey. Vi’s determination played an equal part in keeping them alive in those early years. It’s that determination that made Caitlyn not fight this idea of hers to join the Enforcers. Even though she knows it’s to protect her. She’s not surprised Vi aces the evaluation, she’s half certain her record standing is a choice on Vi’s part. But she is also not surprised that once all is said and done Vi is physically ill from her emotions. So Caitlyn breathes through her own stomach turning and focuses on the Officer who assigns her desk duty while her Soulmate finishes training. 

Then Caitlyn stands up, salutes and goes to find Vi. 

It’s not difficult, her finger stings in a way that can only mean soap. Vi was right, they did lose the nail. Caitlyn apologized endlessly when theirs fell off at the same time but Vi waived it away. She’d lost enough toenails for both of them and losing the nail was worth it for Caitlyn coming back. Caitlyn is still stunned it worked. Especially because she had been fairly sure Vi made it to the hospital and her wrists and hands were bandaged. Her kidnappers had been asleep when she felt her middle squeeze with an invisible hug. Everything in her that was trying to stay alive had screamed how insufficient what she was doing was. She was just dying slowly. She was going to kill Vi. Everything she felt would go unsaid when she had been practicing for weeks how to tell Vi she loved her. She was in love with her. Caitlyn wanted nothing more in that moment than to be sitting in the hospital bed with her Soulmate eating ices. That was what made her chew off her nail and scratch whatever she knew. She hurt Vi and it killed her inside, but it worked. 

She finds Vi in the showers. 

She and Vi have had two huge fights in their time as Soulmates. Two times when Caitlyn was convinced that their relationship was over. They would be the kind of Soulmates who existed only as minor inconveniences to each other. Minor inconveniences with unbearable intimacy. Especially with how strong their bond was. Vi would know when she took a lover. She would know when Vi gave birth to someone else’s children. Their hearts would stop at the same moment even if they never said a word to each other. She is profoundly grateful neither of them lasted terribly long in staying away from each other. Fourteen years was too much. Neither of them has gone longer than fourteen days. 

The first fight was about the face tattoo. Their bond had been new. New and wonderful and then Caitlyn had woken up to a horrible burning sensation under her eye. She had panicked that Vi was in trouble. Being tortured. She’d pressed ice to her cheek and run to her parents for help. Both had been surprised at her distress but then her father had lifted the ice cube away and her mother had gone pale with anger. Caitlyn looked in the mirror and saw red. She’d nearly screamed herself blue in the face at Vi’s stupidity. Who got their own name tattooed on their face?! Vi had screamed right back and the two had said their goodbyes. Vowing never to speak again the way that only fourteen year olds could. By the time the mark faded they were back to talking and Vi had explained the tradition. 

The second fight had been when Caitlyn showed up in her Enforce training uniform. To say Vi had gone ballistic was an understatement. Devastated was a more apt description. Even when Caitlyn had explained she wasn’t like the others, she was going to do good in the world, Vi hadn’t cared. Her Soulmate was the thing that killed her parents. Thing. Like Caitlyn ceased to be human. Caitlyn almost gave in but refused. She had helped Vi. This was her dream. She deserved more than Vi assuming the worst of her. Stiffly she had apologized for the upcoming bruises and bid Vi farewell. Vi had gotten drunk before every evaluation, she refused to do anything about their shared bruises even though Caitlyn always had. They were both so impossibly hurt Caitlyn really thought it might be the end of them. But one day her bruises started being iced. And a few days later Vi showed up with a mumbled apology and a bunch of flowers. 

Now she watches her press her forehead into the tile wall and feels the cool on her own forehead. Vi is muttering to herself and Caitlyn can only guess she’s practicing what she’s going to tell her family. Her own finger bumps the wall and Vi stiffens, glancing back to see her standing there. 

“Hey,” she says and Caitlyn realizes the stinging in her eyes is not just soap. 

She doesn’t think as she steps into the showers and bands her arms around Vi. This was her idea but she feels a surge of anger towards her mother for allowing it. Vi always sounds like she knows exactly what she’s doing. That doesn’t mean she actually does. Caitlyn presses Vi’s head into her shoulder as they break into tears again. She’s stopped counting how many times one of them has broken down in the past few weeks. They’ve been injured so many times before but this feels different. She had her own horror when she knew something was wrong but Vi—she can’t even imagine what was going through Vi’s mind when she started bleeding. From the report she knows Vi staggered to the nearest Enforcer and begged for help. That she kept trying to leave to find her but all she could do was sit there so they wouldn’t both die. 

And they still almost died. 

Caitlyn remembers the sinking feeling and how hard it was to keep her eyes open. How pale Vi’s lips had been. Her last bit of energy had been to smack the button that brought help running towards them. She thought she really did get them killed. And then Vi told her she loved her. Even dying Caitlyn knew it wasn’t how they had always said they loved each other. It was how she felt, how she felt and never quite gathered the courage to say. Of course Vi used her good heart and incredible determination to say it first. Of course she was braver than Caitlyn. She always had been. She’s braver still when she sinks into Caitlyn’s embrace and lets out a miserable sob. 

“We don’t have to do this,” Caitlyn whispers and Vi shakes her head. 

That’s not what she needs right now. Caitlyn presses her lips together and tightens her arms around Vi’s shoulders. There’s a specific way Vi likes to be held. Caitlyn’s arms are already there. It’s an automatic position at this point. One hand around her middle, one arm up the length of her spine and buried in her hair. They’ve both always loved having their hair combed. But Caitlyn has always been able to hand the comb to her mother and Vi lost that a long time ago. Her mother told her during her time asleep how Vi would relax when she brushed her hair. So whenever they embraced, Caitlyn would do the same. She began to carry around a small comb and whenever she would feel her heart race with Vi being upset she would find a quiet place to drag it through her hair. Now she slips her fingers through Vi’s wet strands and sways them gently as Vi sobs into her shoulder. Vi sobs and her own tears run in response. But Caitlyn just holds and soothes until Vi quiets. 

“We’e doing this,” she says into Caitlyn’s shoulder, “it’s just—“

Caitlyn thinks of the bridge. 

“Hard,” she finishes so Vi won’t have to say it. So she can just nod against her shoulder, “thank you for doing it for me,” she says softly. 

“We’re in it together, right?” Vi says and even though there’s no real question there’s an almost uncertain note in her tone. 

“Yes,” Caitlyn says firmly, “always.”

She loosens her arms just enough to see Vi’s face. The uncertainty there is more than she was expecting. More than even this thing would summon. Caitlyn feels her pulse pick up as they look at each other. It’s a mystery for Caitlyn to solve and her brain quickly starts thinking of what else this could be. It doesn’t take long to fit everything together. There is only one thing that could truly be making Vi nervous about her. She’s passed the test. Caitlyn’s words at the hospital float back to her. They decided long ago they wouldn’t keep secrets from each other. Caitlyn isn’t even sure if this count as a break in that promise. They kept the same secret. Worked up the same courage. They even chose the same day to confess. She presses her fingers into the base of Vi’s skull and feels her own scalp twinge with pleasure. 

“We’re together no matter what,” she says, “if you go, I go.”

“That’s biology,” Vi says. 

“Vi,” Caitlyn rolls her eyes at her, “I don’t want to live without you,” she says, “even if I could.”

Vi’s face shifts from miserable to happy to soft in record time. Caitlyn doesn’t need words to know it’s the same for her. Soulmates never have to live without each other. It’s supposed to be a kindness from the universe. They never have to but some want to. Some do terrible things to outlive their Soulmates or try to. Some mourn the fact their lives will never truly be their own. But some, a very lucky some, consider it a kindness. They don’t want to live without their Soulmates because they recognize they are their other half. The reason their hearts beat for more than just the science behind it. Caitlyn can feel all of Vi’s pain but she feels more than that. When she thumbs the nape of Vi’s neck she feels it on her own. She feels the same goosebumps across her skin. 

“I waited for you,” Vi says, like she did all those years ago. 

“I found you,” Caitlyn replies. 

Caitlyn feels her feet arch as Vi pushes herself up and she feels her scalp tingle as she cups the back of Vi’s head. Their lips meet and it feels like being back in that not-real place. She’s breathing and not, her heat races and doesn’t beat. She feels everything and everything is echoed back to her.Every press of their lips. The shared breath between them. When their mouths part and the kiss turns deeper. It all echoes and reverberates through her soul. It’s strange and it’s impossibly natural, like this how things were always meant to be between them. The water is the only differentiator and Caitlyn drags them both under the spray to get rid of that last difference between them. They blend together. 

One soul.

One heart. 

It goes off like a bomb. 

“What do you mean you’re an Enforcer?!” Powder shrieks.

“Vi we support you,” Vander says, “but—“

“No, no way,” Mylo shakes his head, “hell no.”

Vi just tries to weather the storm and wishes she had taken up Caitlyn on her offer to come with her to break the news. She thought she was going to spare her some grief, especially after how she had lashed out when Caitlyn said she was being an Enforcer. Given their reactions she thinks she was right. But given their reactions she wishes she had let her come anyway. She feels a warm squeeze around her middle and a tug at her scalp and she knows she’s not alone. But holy shit is it hard to tell your family you’re joining the Enforcers. 

Powder takes it the hardest. 

“Pow—“

“I hope you enjoy you stupid beret and your stupid career and your stupid soulmate!” Powder half sobs, “you’ll look great in blue!”

“You have blue hair!” Vi cries after her. 

“It’s a different shade!” Powder screams, “and I’m going to shave it off!”

She storms away and Vander shakes his head, gripping her shoulder. She needs to cool off. They both know she needs the same comfort humming though Vi. And that’s not something VI can give her. No matter how she wants. She looks from her to Vander. Vander’s eyes are shadowed with sorrow as he watches her go but grow sterner when they focus on Vi. 

“You’ll be smart about this?” He says. Vi bobs her head, “for you and Caitlyn.”

“And you guys,” Vi says. Vander sighs, “Sheriff Grayson’s not getting any younger,” Vi voices finally, “and Cait just can’t come down here—“ she trails off with her biggest secret voiced, “I can do this.”

“I know you can,” Vander says squeezing her shoulder, “but I thought you’d be on the other side of that agreement.”

Vi nods, her throat burning. She did too. But the farther she gets in this stupid training the more she realizes how fragile this agreement is. She would trust Cait to uphold it. But it seems really unfair to trust her to uphold it, protect both cities and not get hurt in the process. Vi knows she can find a way through. 

“Me too,” she says, “but—“

“I know,” Vander squeezes her shoulder. 

She’s supposed to go back up to Piltover later for some exam in the morning. It’s physical so she wasn’t paying much attention when the instructor wrote it out. The physical stuff in the Enforcer academy is a joke compared to how things are in Zaun. How they used to be. Vi nearly went blind with how hard she rolled her eyes when the instructor explained technique for climbing a rope. 

Claggor gets her before she leaves when she’s taking a minute on the fire escape. 

“Here,” Claggor hands her his old goggles.Vi looks at him, “they’ll tell people you’re one of us,” he says simply and then smiles, “and it might get you out of the beret.”

“Fuck,” Vi realizes. 

Claggor grins and bumps their shoulders together. Claggor is the great middle of their group. He’s the center point between all of them and the one that matches her for strength. When she needs someone steady, he’s the one she goes to. Or if she needs a shirt. They’re the only ones who can share clothes. There’s something comforting about his smell that they don’t talk about. It was the thing that clued her in to what they really don’t talk about. They’re all Vander’s kids in the ways that matter. But they’ve all had two dads. Except Claggor. 

“Do you hate me for this?” She asks finally.

Claggor shakes his head. 

“No-one hates you for this,” he says, ‘we just saw you almost die,” he shrugs, “you two can’t do anything half way.”

They look up at the Kiramman mansion and Vi grudgingly admits he has a point. Caitlyn was born up there near the zenith of Piltover and Vi came into the world near the lowest point. They were never not going to do extremes. 

“If I make it,” she starts. Claggor snots, “we’ll keep this going, yeah?” She says. Claggor looks over at her, “he’s gonna leave you the Drop.”

“He’s going to leave us the Drop,” Claggor says. 

“Yeah, but—“ Vi rocks on her ankles, “you know it’s yours. We’ll keep this going, right?” She says, “keep the peace?”

“Of course,” Claggor says, his voice falling into the same seriousness when they edge towards this topic, “if you still pick up a few shifts,” he says, “can’t have you forgetting how to get your hands dirty when you and Kiramman make it official.”

Vi laughs. 

“Like the dirt’s ever coming out from under my nails,” she snorts. Claggor grins, “you’ll have to check my schedule though with all my fancy balls and upcoming social engagements.”

“Like the one you missed tonight?”

“Yeah like—“ Vi stops, “huh?”

Claggor nods down and Vi pushes herself nearly over the railing to see Caitlyn walking up to the Last Drop. She’s been so focused on the miserable exchange of telling her family and the feel of Caitlyn’s arm around her through their bond that she’s missed the other little aches. The soreness in the balls of her feet, the slight throb of her earlobes. Caitlyn is dressed in a long gown with the blue sash that says this was an event where she had to show face. 

“Cait!” Vi calls down. Caitlyn’s head snaps up. Vi hurries over to the ladder and shoves it down with a clang. Caitlyn comes over and climbs up to the ladder, sliding her hand into Vi’s on the last rung, “shit you got fancy.”

“Unfortunately,” Caitlyn says. She looks at Claggor who waves at her, “I’m sorry did I interrupt?”

“No we were just talking about peace agreements,” VI says, “since I’m on your side now.”

Caitlyn sighs and gives her a half hearted disappointed look. Vi cringes. She knows Caitlyn doesn’t see it as sides. She never has. Not since she was a kid and Vi got them both tear gassed on the bridge. If there was one thing to be said about pain it was that the stuff was a great equalizer. It didn’t really matter where they came from or which side they were on when they were both crying through burning lungs and rubbing their stinging eyes. 

“I take it she didn’t understand,” she says, cutting right to the heart of the issue. 

“She’ll come around,” Claggor says, "she just needs some time.”

When Powder had first started acting out towards Caitlyn, they thought that she was jealous of Vi finding her Soulmate first. Sibling stuff. Then they thought maybe she was jealous someone was so close to Vi. It had taken a while to get her to choke out it wasn’t fair that Caitlyn had saved her life too but she didn’t get to be her Soulmate. Soulmates were supposed to save each other. Only then did Vi realize all the great things she had said about Caitlyn and how she helped them had Powder half convinced Caitlyn was her Soulmate too. She and Vi had been doing everything together for so long, she hadn’t understood why this was different at first. Not when Caitlyn had been such a part of her life through Vi. 

Caitlyn’s fingers slide through her own and Vi leans into the sensation that echoes across her hand. Caitlyn dips her head and her blue hair hides the emotion on her face, but the still broken skin of their bottom lip tugs with a faint smile. They’ve always been free with their touches with one another, but now everything feels new. She feels completely at peace with this in every way except the fact that it’s dropped a bomb on her family. But Caitlyn just grips her hand tightly and reminds her that it’s not just her family. It’s their family. 

“Oh hey right on time,” Claggor says and they all look to see Powder walking where Caitlyn was. She scrubs her cheeks and looks up before any of them can say a word, “come up sis!”

Powder climbs up the ladder as well. Before she can say anything Vi grabs her into a tight hug. Powder clutches at her back and muffles a sorry into her chest. Vi feels a twinge near her ankle as Powder yanks Caitlyn into the hug as well. Vi gets her hand free enough to motion Calgor over and for a long moment the four of them just hold each other. 

“I have something for you,” Caitlyn says to Powder and pulls a slim case out of her purse. Inside is a badge but it’s a different color, “if you take this to any Enforcer they will take you to myself, Vi or my mother without any questions.”

Powder’s eyes go wide but not in a bad way. She takes the case and shoves it into her pocket. 

“I’m having them made for all your siblings,” Caitlyn says, “but this was the first one that was ready.”

Vi’s throat goes tight when she realizes that now her siblings won’t have to deal with some Enforcer to find her. Not if those badges came from Caitlyn’s family. If they need her they can get her. Caitlyn smiles even as her eyes go wet to match Vi’s. 

“Hey Pow let’s go invent a new drink,” Claggor says. 

“Yeah that sounds like a good idea,” Powder replies, scrambling after him, “thanks Cait, sorry Vi!”

Caitlyn tilts he head at the goggles looped around Vi’s neck and she shifts them up into her hair. Her Soulmate knows exactly what she’s up to without her having to explain she loves Caitlyn but she’s not wearing that hat. Not unless Caitlyn asks her to anyway. Caitlyn steps forward and twirls one of the longer pieces of Vi’s hair around her fingers, guiding it behind the strap of the goggles. 

“Hair has to be out of your eyes,” she reminds her. 

“I can’t just rely on yours?” Vi teases, stepping closer to Caitlyn. She really is impossibly tall in her shoes, “trust me for a sec?”

“Always,” Caitlyn says with a polite frown as Vi puts her hands on her hips and guides them to some invisible beat before dipping her. Caitlyn makes a surprised sound, but both of her harms wind around Vi’s neck, “Vi!”

“It was either this or climbing the ladder,” she says, “this seemed more romantic.”

“For?”

“This,” Vi says and presses their mouths together. 

Kissing your Soulmate is intoxicating. They know each other’s bodies better than they know their own sometimes. But feeling their bodies together is a whole other level of sensation. Caitlyn was right it does feel like they are back in that in between place. Like they melt back into the bond in the most natural way. No doctors, no drugs, nothing but Vi and Caitlyn. When she was waiting for Caitlyn to wake up Powder suggested kissing her on the lips, but Vi just couldn’t. It was weird since she didn’t know her. Now she realizes she might have to tell Powder she had a point. Kissing Caitlyn is fucking magical. Magical and worth every moment of grief it took to get here. Vander was right when he urged her to stay alive back then. She had to stay alive to meet her other half. Now her other half is in her arms, fingers buried in her hair and lips making Vi forget if she’s Vi or Caitlyn. Only the sound of Mylo coming back below them breaks them apart. Caitlyn smiles dazzlingly up at her. Vi slides her arm down and straightens up with Caitlyn in her arms. Instantly the ache in her soles feels better. 

“Come on, let’s get you out of your stupid shoes,” she says. 

“Have I mentioned I love you today?” Caitlyn asks. 

“Yeah, but say it again.”

“I love you, Violet.”

“Love you too, Cait."

Chapter Text

Soulmates are a relationship you have forever. 

No matter what happens, your hearts will stop at the same time. Down to the millisecond. 

You will never live without the other. 

“I wish I had killed us!” Vi shouts around the betrayal lumping her throat closed, “you can’t do this!”

Caitlyn stands there in her blue pants and her white shirt and her fucking Enforcer’s jacket and looks disappointed. Vi could give less of a shit. Yeah Caitlyn is the reason she’s alive in a lot of ways. Yeah she’s the other half of Vi’s heart and soul. Yeah every day when Vi wakes up to the feeling of Caitlyn brushing her hair, it feels like a good day. But that doesn’t mean she’s going to just accept the other half of her soul is clad in an Enforcer trainee’s uniform. 

“Vi—“

“They killed my parents!” Vi erupts, “they were going to kill me and Powder until your mom called them off.”

“I know,” Caitlyn says, “but that was a long time ago!” Vi barks out a laugh, “Vi I’m not like them. You know I’m not.”

“I don’t care!’ Vi shouts back, “they’re all the same.”

Caitlyn’s face shuts down. Vaguely Vi remembers how excited she was when she showed up. The way her heart raced. Vi felt her own leap in response. She was excited and then she took off her coat and her heart started racing in a totally different way. Now her heart is still pounding, but her face is painfully still. Only the copper Vi tastes tells her how upset Caitlyn is. 

“I’m sorry you feel that way,” Caitlyn says stiffly. 

Emotions don’t go across the bond and she’s not gushing blood, so Vi has no idea why it feels like she has been stabbed,. Caitlyn is the one whose gone too far, not her. She also got tear gassed. She knows what Enforcers do. But she signed her name to the fucking blue bellies. And now Vi has to watch her stand there in the same blue that killed her parents. Caitlyn slips her coat back on and ties it around her waist. 

“I apologize in advance for any bruises during training,” she says in the same stiff tone, “I will try to keep them to a minimum.”

“How abut when you’re out gassing kids?” Vi demands. 

Caitlyn is a good person. A great person. But Vi knows she’s crossed the line. No Soulmate bond required, though the fact that her heart goes deadly calm is a good indication. Caitlyn’s eyes widen and then narrow and then go chillingly blank. Vi opens her mouth to apologize but Caitlyn barrels right over her. 

“The bond doesn’t encompass emotions,” she says, “I’ll be wearing a gas mask so you shouldn’t have to trouble yourself with that.”

“Cait—“

“No,” Caitlyn holds up her hand, “you won’t have to trouble yourself with any of this,” she tells her, “I apologize in advance for my bruises the next few weeks.”

Weeks?

“Hold on—“

“Goodbye, Violet,” she says stiffly and turns away. 

Then she’s gone. 

“What do you mean she’s gone?!” Powder demands, “what did you do?!”

Vi opens her mouth and then shuts it. Powder and Caitlyn have a complicated relationship. On one hand, Powder hates her because she thinks she’ll take Vi away. That to see her sister she’ll have to walk by where they found mom. It took them weeks to convince her that wasn’t going to be the case. On the other hand, Powder is jealous. Every time she tried to share food Vi had told her it was okay, her Soulmate was stuffed. When Vi’s scrapes heal quickly, Vi always tells her it’s because of her Soulmate so it’s alright that Powder gets extra bandages. Powder is half convinced Caitlyn is her Soulmate too with everything she’s done. When she pricks her finger and no blood appears on either of theirs, she’s so devastated Vi has to rock her like a babe again.

“I got mad,” Vi says. 

“No shit,” Powder retorts, “why?”

Vi grinds her teeth. Powder loves and hates Caitlyn in the same breath but she has no idea how to explain Caitlyn became an Enforcer. Or is becoming one. Or trying to. If the bruises on her wrists are any indication it’s not exactly going well. She’s tried to just hide them under her wraps, but Powder barged in before she was done. Her eyes widen at the sight of them and she grabs Vi’s hands. 

“Is she hurt?”

“No!” Vi says quickly, “she’s becoming an Enforcer.”

Powder stares at her. 

“So?”

“What do you mean ‘so’?” Vi questions, “she’s becoming an Enforcer. That’s not a so thing. That’s—“ she flounders for the right word, “it’s fucked up.”

“Yeah but her parents aren’t going to let her be that kind of Enforcer,” Powder says.

Something horribly cold goes down Vi’s spine. Something she can’t blame on Caitlyn or the bond or anything. She was so gutted at seeing Caitlyn in the blue pants that she never even thought about it like that. Her parents practically own the Enforcers. Of course they aren’t going to let her stand on a bridge and shoot kids. Or gas them. Her face falls and Powder’s eyes widen. Sometimes Powder is so good at reading her Vi is surprised they also aren’t Soulmates. 

“You didn’t,” she breathes, “Vi.”

“She said I wouldn’t feel her emotions so I didn’t have to worry myself with how she felt about gassing kids,” Vi says, scrubbing at her face, “I fucked up.”

“Stay there,” Powder says, “don’t move.”

She flies off as Vi realizes the weight of what she’s just done. Or did. Because she’s also managed to drink herself into oblivion so Caitlyn has a hangover and she’s been ignoring her bruises so they won’t heal. Even though Caitlyn spent the first decade and a half of their shared existence tending to every cut so Vi wouldn’t suffer. She’s an idiot and an asshole. Powder comes racing back up the stairs with two cold packs and wraps them around the bruises. She pushes Vi onto the beanbag in her room. Vi sighs and opens her mouth as Powder pushes two painkillers between her lips. Powder looks at her anxiously and Vi wishes she had the words to make this better. 

But when she feels a phantom squeeze on her hand, all she feels is bitter. 

She’s not hungover, she’s still drunk. 

And hallucinating apparently. 

She looks up at Caitlyn’s beautiful, angry face and realizes how much she missed seeing it. At the same moment she realizes she can’t look at it the same way. Caitlyn saved her. She saved her and that should count for everything, but all it makes her feel is nauseous. Caitlyn knows what she saved her from. She got tear gassed too. And yet she throws her hat into the ring with them. That stupid fucking beret that perches on her inky hair. There’s so much blue on her. Vi thinks she’s going to be sick and Caitlyn looks a bit green. Or she would if she wasn’t bright red with rage. 

“How dare you,” she hisses. Vi scrambles up as Caitlyn advances on her, “never in my life—“

“Hi to you too,” she mumbles

“Don’t ‘Hi’ me! Look at my face!” Caitlyn bellows and Vi can feel her heart thud in time with hers. Vi leans forward so the two Caitlyn’s in front of her will come together and Caitlyn reels back, “you don’t even—“ she sucks in a breath, “you aren’t supposed to get tattooed when you’re drunk!”

Vi shrugs and reaches up to the back of her neck. Big mistake. The fresh ink stings with the press of her fingers. Her whole back is a patchwork of itches and stings. But each press of the needle makes her feel better. If Caitlyn is going to leave a permanent mark on their bond, then she is too. Caitlyn can have their shared soul, she’ll make sure that their skin bears a mark too. She inks pipes and wires and things that are distinctly Zaun. So when Caitlyn is running her stupid obstacle courses and learning how to murder people, she has to remember who she’s murdering. She hopes every trainee sees the mark and knows that Caitlyn belongs to Zaun too. Hopes they make it so miserable for her that she realizes how insane this is. She’s filling the ink lines in with more black and some pale blue. Last night was the back of the neck. She definitely remembers that part of the night. She has no idea what Caitlyn is on about anyway. Some fancy Piltover rules for a fancy Piltover Princess—

“It’s common sense!” Caitlyn screeches and Vi realizes she may have said the last part aloud. 

“What do you care?” She questions, “you’re surrounded by medics for your fancy ass Enforcer training,” she snorts, “I start bleeding out and you’re gonna be fine.”

Caitlyn’s fists clench and Vi shrugs at the fury on her face. She may have glanced at the training calendar just for shits at one point. Today was something she can’t remember. Despite her own feelings of guilt and Powder’s urgings, the anger in her gut hadn’t faded. Vi doesn’t know how it ever could. She rubs her face and Caitlyn winces at the same time she does. Her fingers touch under her cheekbone. She scrubs her face again and the pain brings clarity even as Caitlyn winces. She looks around for a mirror and then remembers that it’s not necessary. They share wounds. She turns towards Caitlyn’s face. Caitlyn hadn’t responded to the tattoo or the pinches or anything so Vi had taken drastic measures. Caitlyn was a Princess no matter what she tried to say. She got to do everything. Everything. No matter what Vi said. So Vi was going to make sure she knew that it wasn’t just about her in the only way she could think.

“Looks good on you,” she says and Caitlyn lets out a noise of pure fury. 

“Your name?!” She demands, “what possible reason could there be—“

“Powder, Ekko, Claggor, Mylo, Me,” she says throwing up fingers, “and one more for whatever kid you make an orphan next—“

“Claggor is not an orphan!”

“Oh that’s the most important thing!” Vi bellows back, “I’ll be sure to tell him his mom getting hauled off to Stillwater Hold wasn’t a big deal to you!”

Caitlyn grinds her teeth and stares at her. The fury is painted all over her face. Now that there’s one of her Vi can see how nice she looks. Nice and evil but nice too. She’s got her hair in a bun with a piece hanging down on the left side. It’s been hastily tacked up, but Vi can see it’s different from the rest of her slicked back hair. They’ve done that in every picture they’ve taken together since the first one. Vi’s hair is out on the right, so Caitlyn’s is out on the left. Two sides of the same Soul. All the shit Vi’s done and Caitlyn still did it. The anger churns with the guilt as she looks at her. It doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t. But it feels like she’s the mixer Vander uses to make bread and there’s too much water being added. The mix of anger and hurt that’s kept her under needles and drowning in bottles requires a balance. The balance is off. The mix is drowning in guilt. 

Because Caitlyn’s eyes are filling with tears. 

Vi made her cry. 

Vi knows she’s made her cry before with pain. But a few needles in the face is nothing. Not compared to everything else she’s done. This has nothing to do with the pain. Her name and the people who were hurt by Enforcers seemed like a perfect thing to ink on her face. So Caitlyn would remember, so she’d come to her senses. But now all she sees is the fact that she’s pushed beyond some limit in a different way. Caitlyn might not bear the ink, but she’ll have the same itching mark for a while. That’s what Vi wanted. But Caitlyn is forever in front of people because of her parents. It makes her nervous, it always has even though she’s grown into it. Vi always holds her own hand. Caitlyn always feels it. She says it makes her feel better. Vi doesn’t even know how many of the things she’s gone through while they’ve been apart. Her mom can’t be happy with this Enforcer thing either. And she’s slapped her face with something that now seems excessively cruel. Vi grapples for the anger. This isn’t her fault. This is Caitlyn’s. If Caitlyn would just see reason Vi wouldn’t have done any of this. 

It’s her fault. 

Not Vi’s. 

“No more face tattoos,” Caitlyn says in a voice far steadier than it has any right to be, “please."

“No promises,” Vi snarls back. Why is her voice trembling?

Caitlyn stares at her and blinks but one of the tears breaks free. Everything in Vi screams to go wipe it. Fix this. But she digs in her heels. This isn’t her fault. She’s got nothing to fix until Caitlyn peels off the uniform. She’s got the higher pain tolerance. She always has. She can stand there and watch her cry like Caitlyn’s mom stood there and watched everyone in Zaun suffer. Caitlyn straightens up and Vi continues to glare. She realizes how much she’s itching for Caitlyn to say she’s awful. That she regrets being her Soulmate and all the time she’s saved her life. She would cut her arm off for Caitlyn to show her that she’s as evil as everyone else that is wearing the blue. So she doesn’t have to make Vi reconsider everything she knew. Give her something. Anything. She grinds her teeth and thinks of what else she could put on her face. Because shaking Caitlyn isn’t going to work. Touching her isn’t going to work. So she’ll figure something else out—

The door slams open and they both turn. 

Powder looks between the two of them mouths a sorry. Vi swallows and Caitlyn looks confused. A moment later there’s sound of fist meeting wood and a crack that VI feels in her bones. Definitely in floor. Caitlyn’s hand finds the strap of her rifle case. 

“Downstairs!” Vander bellows, “Now!”

“Just say here—“ Vi starts.

“He wants both of you,” Powder whispers. 

“Yeah, well—“ she starts. 

But Caitlyn brushes past her with a smile to Powder and heads downstairs. 

Apparently the Hound of the Underground is preferable to her. 

Go figure.

Vander is furious. 

Her memories before the Bridge are largely foggy. Some fancy doctor called it a grief response. Her world became clear on that Bridge. Even though her eyes hurt too much to see and her chest hurt too much to breathe. It was Vander who carried her away. Scooped her up like her mom hadn’t been able to in years. He scooped her up and carried her off. Now she knows the reason her eyes cleared was Tobias Kiramman, but at the time she thought there was magic in his embrace. As long as Vander embraced her she was safe. That was true. Even now when he embraced her it felt like the world was alright. She was alright. She was safe. Though as she’s gotten older, she’s had to tell him to make the hugs tighter. Like they felt when she was a girl. He always did the same thing. He chuckled, then tightened his arms until she says when. 

It wasn’t until years later that she learned he used to smother people against his own chest. 

That’s all she can think of as she looks at him. Vander doesn’t look disappointed like Caitlyn’s mom does when she would find her scaling the facade of their house. Or disappointed like he does when she first started getting the tattoo. He looks furious. She gets the distinct feeling they aren’t speaking to the Vander that carried her off the Bridge. They’re speaking to the Vander who lives in Vi’s watercolor memories. The one who got them across the Bridge.  The Hound of the Underground. Vander has made the streets bloody in such a way that he was able to get most of Zaun in line. It wasn’t because he was good at speaking. It was because they knew what would happen if Vander went to war. Even the people against him slunk in the shadows. They feared him. When Vi learned of the violence, she thought it was because of that. It made her chest puff up to think of how cool Vander was. And the violence is a piece of it.

It’s not all of it though. 

“Sit,” Vander growls. 

Caitlyn is already on a stool. Vi hesitates but Vander stares her down until she approaches. She sits two stools down and Vander stares at her. She glares right back but Vander taps the bar in front of the stool over. Vi knows Vander wouldn’t hurt her. She does. But all the same she scoots over. Still keeping one stool in between them. Vander stands in the middle of them. He’s silent. Vi half wishes he would try to smother one of them so this tension stops. Vander rocks his knuckles against the wood. 

“Caitlyn you have our apologies,” he says. 

“What—“ Vi starts and Vander catches her with a glare that has her mouth shutting. 

“There will be no more tattoos,” he says, “or hangovers. We hope the rest of your training goes smoothly. Sheriff Grayson has commended your marks.”

Vi can’t believe this is happening. More betrayal guts her. No-one seems to get how fucked up this is. But Vander—if anyone understood she thought it would be him. Much to her shame she feels her own eyes burn as Vander compliments Caitlyn and glares at her. Everyone is on her side. She hears the door open and looks at the wood. She doesn’t want to see Sheriff Grayson in this place. She hates seeing her in it. Even all these years later she always tries to avoid it when she comes over. Except the measured steps are not Sheriff Grayson’s. And even as she looks down at the bar there’s a faint blue light reflected in the wood. 

Silco. 

She was in his seat. 

He slides into the seat calmly and taps the wood. Vander’s lip curls but he pulls out a cup and puts it in front of her. It’s her cup. Powder always cried for their mother’s cup and doodled all over it. So Vander helped her make one of her own. She glances inside at his hangover cure and takes it. There’s a thump as he passes Caitlyn her usual soda water. Vi wonders if this is a torture tactic but she figures that she better be ready for it. She knocks back the cure as quickly as she can. Before the lump in her throat gets any bigger. She hates that lump you get before you start crying. She doesn’t want to cry in front of Caitlyn. The cure burns down her throat but it does ease some of the pounding in her head. So that when she straightens up she can see anger isn’t the only thing on Vander’s face. 

“You don’t want this,” he says. 

“I didn’t start this!” Vi protests. She sees Caitlyn move out of the corner of her eye but she focuses on Vander, “they—“

“I know what they did,” he cuts her off, “I know we're just as responsible for getting your parents on that Bridge.”

Vi feels her cheeks burn. 

“You didn’t kill them,” she says.

“They got themselves killed,” Silco cuts in. Vander sighs and opens his mouth but Silco continues, "They got themselves killed because Felicia refused to pick up a weapon,” he says, “she wouldn’t take the risk of harming your Soulmate’s parents.”

Caitlyn shifts again but Vi just stares at the cup. 

“She couldn’t live with the idea of harming your Soulmate. We thought we convinced her otherwise, but there was a rifle a few feet from her. She knew if your Soulmate was alright, you would be too.”

“I should—“ Caitlyn starts but Vander holds up a hand. 

“Cassandra Kiramman’s taken care of every tab during this bender,” Vander tells her, “kept all of us from being in real trouble,” he says, “because she also can’t stand the idea of you or your family being hurt.”

Vi looks down at the cup and wishes all of that took away the ache in her chest. Wishes it made her feel better. But her eyes keep dragging to the blue of Caitlyn’s pants. Even though that blue is the background on all her family’s crests, Caitlyn never wears it in front of her. Not until she became a trainee. Not until she joined the people who killed her parents. All the love doesn’t change the fury in her. Doesn’t make the nightmares of that Enforcer with the gas mask go away. Not now that when Vander is carrying her away, the Enforcer lifts it to reveal Caitlyn’s face. Vi knows Powder might be right about her parents keeping her from the fighting, but if there’s a riot they’ll be on opposite sides. Or worse. 

The nightmare has shifted lately. 

It’s not Vander carrying them it’s her. And Powder is so small. Caitlyn lifts her gun and fires. The bullet misses sometimes. Other times it doesn’t. There’s no gas mask, Caitlyn’s face is wild and furious. Vi tries to touch her but she can never make contact. The words are always the same. The same quick exchange whether the bullet hits or not. 

I had the shot. 

That was a kid! What if you missed?

I wasn’t going to miss!

Then Caitlyn winds her with the butt of her rifle. On the good nights Vi wakes up. On the bad ones she tries to drown Caitlyn in the river. She feels the water in her lungs. She watches through the water as Caitlyn bares her teeth and her left eye just bleeds and bleeds. She rips a knife out of her gut and slashes Vi’s hand wraps and shouts. When she stands up there’s nothing in her left eye socket. But the blood dripping down her face looks like the tattoo she’s branded them with. 

The nightmare always makes her want to be sick. 

“No more face tattoos. I’ll stop,” she says. 

“Vi—“ Caitlyn’s voice is nervous. 

“I’ll stop just go,” she says. 

“Vi?” Vander’s voice is concerned suddenly. 

“Go,” Vi repeats, her voice taking on a desperate edge. Why does it feel like she’s got no air in her lungs, “Go, I’ll go just—“

“Vi!” 

“I’m sorry,” she gasps as Caitlyn’s face swims in front of her with her eye covered. It’s gone. She took out her eye like Vander took out Silco’s eye, “I’m sorry.”

Caitlyn drags her out of the bar with all the new muscles she’s developed in spite of Vi’s hangovers and tattoos. She’s gotten so fucking strong she can haul Vi easily. Which is great because Vi can’t even breathe let alone walk. Caitlyn does most of it and drags her away. The ground pitches but Vi can barely get her feet under her as Caitlyn hauls somewhere. Vi hopes to fuck it isn’t the bridge and then also kind of hopes it is so she can throw herself off it. 

If she kills them both no-one will get hurt anymore. 

She just wants the pain to stop. 

“Another one, good.”

A hand on her sternum rubbing slow circles. 

A straw at her lip. 

The world comes back into focus. Caitlyn’s dragged them to the spot she brought her one of her first trips down to Zaun. So Caitlyn could see Piltover like Vi had always seen it. Caitlyn dragged her all the way here. Her beret is askew and Vi’s cheek stings as her sweat drips into the tattoo. But there’s enough air up here that it makes it’s way into Vi’s lungs. Caitlyn has two fingers pressed against her wrist and her other hand is helping support Vi’s chin. Vi remembers her dad doing this to her in the hospital. Caitlyn’s eyes scan her face and she nods encouragingly, taking another deep breath. Vi copies it, even if only to try and blow out longer. Caitlyn drops her chin to guide the straw into her mouth. Pulling the cold water through it is weirdly helpful. 

“You had a panic attack,” Caitlyn tells her before Vi can ask. 

Caitlyn goes to drop her hand but Vi covers hers before she can pull it away. She doesn’t deserve it but Caitlyn curls her fingers in Vi’s shirt to show she’s not going to drop it before she resumes the slow circles. 

“I keep seeing you,” Vi says, “you’re hunting Powder—“ Caitlyn is silent, “it’s not you and it is—“ Vi squeezes her eyes shut, “I try to get you to stop and you hit me—“

“Vi you know I wouldn’t do that,” Caitlyn cuts in and the desperate note in her voice gets Vi’s eyes open, “I love Powder like she’s my own blood,” she says and the tears are back, “you know I do.”

Vi’s eyes burn and there’s nothing stopping her tears from breaking free. But she remembers the nightmare. They were both tearful then too. Or she was in tears. Caitlyn was near tears. But now they slip down Caitlyn’s cheeks as she looks at her desperately. Their cheeks sting horribly but the pain doesn’t compare to the feeling in her chest. 

“What if they order you to do it?” Vi asks desperately, her fingers tightening in Caitlyn’s sleeve, “what if you change—“

Promise me you won’t change.

“I keep seeing it!” She gasps out to Caitlyn, “I keep seeing us hurting each other—“

“Vi that’s not us!” 

“But we are hurting each other!” She says, dropping her hand to bury her hands in her hair. 

Caitlyn’s hand drops from her chest and Vi misses the contact, but she can’t stand it either. She looks at the ground and how her worn boots look so out of place with Catilyn’s shiny dress pants. Caitlyn shifts into the same position after a moment and her shiny boots somehow look even stranger. Sometimes being in the same position when things are uncomfortable makes things clearer. The same hurts make things clearer. It’s easier to have the same hurt but not look at her. 

“It really hurt that you just did this,” Vi says, “and didn’t even think about how I would feel.”

“I thought you knew,” Caitlyn replies, “when I said I wanted to help people you said you would support me.”

“Enforcers—“ she stops at Caitlyn’s shaky inhale, “I didn’t know you meant being an Enforcer.”

“Neither did my mother,” Caitlyn says. Vi lifts her head to watch Caitlyn’s whole back tremble. She’s not ready for the sob that comes from her lips, “all she talks about is how this is unfair to you. Even though you’ve been hurting me for months. I was so sure I at least had your support—but all you’ve done is hurt me,“ Caitlyn lifts her tearful face, “you hurt me too.”

The one solace Vi has had is the dream wasn’t real. But looking at Caitlyn’s tearful face and swollen cheek, she realizes that wasn’t true. It’s not a physical strike, Powder isn’t shot. But they’re both here in pain all the same. The anger is bleeding out with every panicked breath as she looks at Caitlyn’s tearful face. At the tattoo that seemed like such a good idea but now seems so cruel. Mostly she thinks of Vander and Silco and their missing eyes. How the thing people fear Vander for is not just his violence. It’s that he was willing to hurt his Soulmate even though he knew it would be a shared pain. A shared maiming. That didn’t matter. The only thing that mattered to him was that Silco suffered too. Vander would have drowned in that river if it meant Silco died with him. 

And that is terrifying. 

“I know,” she says miserably, “I know. I’m—“ she thinks of Powder and Ekko. And all the twisted bonds she knows. Permanently destroyed bonds, “I’m sorry.”

Caitlyn sobs. 

“I’m sorry,” Vi repeats, scooting her leg in between Caitlyn’s. She can’t even hug her. But she can rub her shoulders. Caitlyn tenses, “I’m really fucking sorry.“

“Please don’t ask me to give it up,” Caitlyn whispers in the smallest voice Vi has ever heard, “I passed everything. On my own merit,” her fingers tighten around her knees. She’s nice enough not to say in spite of Vi’s actions, “please let me try.”

“Huh?”

“Let me try,” Caitlyn repeats, finally lifting her teal eyes up, “and if it doesn’t work you and my mother can say I told you so and we’ll all move on.”

She says it with such misery it guts Vi, but Vi can hear the determination. The same determination she’s heard in Caitlyn’s voice every time she comes to Piltover or voices a problem. Let me try. Let’s see if we can fix it. Caitlyn’s a problem solver. Vi is too, but she’s never had the luxury of creating problems. Except for Caitlyn. Caitlyn reaches up to wipe her eyes and winces at the tender part of her cheek. Vi feels her stomach twist. Even after she did that Caitlyn dragged her to a place that she would feel safe in. The bitter anger is still there, but this time when Vi pushes against it, she forces it back. Vander put down his gauntlets for love. But he never got his Soulmate back. He’s always wanted better for her. If she can’t get over the anger for herself, she can do it for them. 

“Okay,” she says. 

Caitlyn looks surprised and Vi feels about a foot tall. She scoots more forward and this time when she rubs Caitlyn’s shoulders, she doesn’t tense as badly. She looks at Caitlyn’s face for any sign that she hasn’t damaged them irreparably but to her horror, Caitlyn’s eyes fill with tears. 

“Shit, don’t—“ Vi finds the hanky Caitlyn always keeps in her pocket and presses it under her eye, “tilt your head.”

“It’s alright,” Caitlyn hiccups. 

“No it’s not,” Vi mutters, looking at her handiwork, “I’ll fix it.”

She feels Caitlyn’s fingers cover the hand she has on her cheek. She slides her hand through Vi’s and tightens their fingers together. It’s the first non-violent contact they’ve had in months. Vi squeezes her fingers and feels it across their bond. Something like relief churns in her chest even though everything is still so broken between them. It’s broken but it’s not as broken as she convinced herself. She tightens her fingers on Caitlyn’s and stands up, pulling her up with her. 

“Come on,” she says.

“Where are we going?”

“Can you—“ she stops, “can you try to trust me?” She knows she hasn’t earned it but she gets the sense Caitlyn needs it too, “five minutes?”

Caitlyn hesitates and Vi holds her breath. 

Then she nods. 

“Ow.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s fine.”

“It’s not—“

“Please stop beating yourself up,” Caitlyn says, “you’re right, I should have checked.”

Their eyes meet as Caitlyn sits on a chair and tilts her head back. It’s an awkward angle but it’s the best one for what Vi needs to do. She feels the pressure on her hand from Caitlyn squeezing hers. Vi nods in acknowledgement and turns back to the task at hand. She’s the one who went to the tattoo shop. She’s the one who has the bandages. The clear square is not an ideal base but she’s managed to work her magic. At least now the tattoo is covered. She’s used every old wives trick to bring down the swelling on Caitlyn’s eyes. She’s color corrected the shadows under them and at least hidden the vestiges of their shared hangover. 

“Okay I’m done,” Vi says. Caitlyn raises a skeptical eyebrow and Vi can’t help but twitch her lips up, “with the makeup at least.”

Caitlyn rolls her eyes but Vi can see a bit of affection in there. Another thing she didn’t realize she missed. Caitlyn looks in the mirror and straightens up further. It tells Vi everything she needs to hear without saying a word. Even so Caitlyn looks at her in the reflection. 

“Thank you,” she says. 

Vi nods.

“You’re gonna be late,” she says, “for graduation?”

“Just my license day,” Caitlyn says, getting to her feet, “graduation is in a few days.”

“I can come by and help again with your makeup?”

Caitlyn goes a bit pink. 

“My mother has people coming,” she says, “but thank you.”

Vi nods. Of course the Kiramman’s have people coming to do their hair and makeup for a big family event. Even if her mom has a problem with what Caitlyn’s doing, she still supports her. After a moment Caitlyn reaches into her pocket and pulls out a slim white envelope. Vi feels her pulse race with Caitlyn’s nerves. But Caitlyn still puts the envelope down. 

“You don’t have to,” she says quickly, “we got four tickets and everyone I would invite is required to be there anyway,” she adds quickly, “I’m not expecting you to be there.”

“I’ll think about it,” Vi says. 

Caitlyn nods and moves towards the door. 

“Either way congrats,” Vi says. Caitlyn stops, “I know you worked really hard for it. Powder’s been slipping anti-inflammatories into my orange juice for months.”

Caitlyn offers a half smile that’s still gutting. 

Then she nods and goes. 

And all Vi can cling to is the fact she didn’t call her Violet. 

“Hey I’m in the wrong line,” Vi says. 

The ticket taker looks at her. Vi clenches the ticket she’s already crushed on her way over. She’s never been surrounded by this many people in blue uniforms. She wants to vomit. Her ticket says guest but she can see another line for Soulmates. They’re going though way more security checks and being led off somewhere else. Vi looks at him pleadingly and he scans her ticket. He motions someone over who looks at the ticket and then at her. 

“Whose your Soulmate?”

“Caitlyn Kiramman,” she says. They trade looks, “check the list, I’m Violet,” she blurts out. The second one glances at the list and waves her through.

“You missed rehearsal,” he says. 

“How hard could it be?” Vi replies, though she’s got no idea what he’s talking about. But he snorts in agreement, “give me the rundown.”

“They’ll give you the badge. When they call your Soulmate’s name you pin it on them,” he says, glancing down at Vi’s hastily polished boots, “good, we always have one who falls. Not gonna be you right?”

“No way,” Vi says, trying to sound more confident than she feels as she’s led away from the hall and into a back room. There’s a few other people there, all humming with excitement. There’s snacks and liquor but Vi can’t get anything down the knot in her throat, “hey can we watch the ceremony too?”

“No and don’t be too grateful,” he says, “those speeches are endless.”

He’s not kidding. Vi keeps to herself and tries not to think about how there aren’t any escape routes. She was planning to sit in the back. She wanted to let Caitlyn know even if she wasn’t happy about it, she wasn’t a monster either. Caitlyn worked hard and invited her. It felt like eating glass to come up here and get in line, but now Vi realizes Caitlyn was letting her off easy. Caitlyn was going to stand on that stage alone to spare her having to do what everyone else’s Soulmate is doing. Even after she’s been a total ass, Caitlyn is still protecting her. Vi catches a glimpse of her face in a polished bit of metal. She focuses on the tattoo. The reminder that even though she stretched their bond past any logical point, it still held. It held because of Caitlyn. Now it’s her turn to step up. 

“It’s time.”

Vi lines up where they direct her. Knowing that spot would have been empty if she’d given into the anger. It surges up when they offer her the badge but Vi closes her fingers around it. This isn’t about her anger, this is about supporting her Soulmate. This is how they stop being the Vi and Caitlyn from her nightmare. They work together. She grips the case and steps out onto the stage when they call them. If being surrounded by Enforcers was bad, being under the eye of Enforcer High Command is so much worse. They’re wearing medals and Vi wonders how much Zaunite blood was spilled for each. How many orphans they represent. She almost wants to keep walking and start punching them. No, she definitely does. But there’s a tight squeeze around her wrist and she stops. 

Caitlyn, she’s here for Caitlyn. 

Caitlyn who looks shocked before she quickly goes blank faced. She’s dressed even more formally than on her license day. And even though the Kiramman’s use the best makeup artist money can buy, Vi thinks she can see a bit of red on her cheekbone. She glances back and sees all the seats are filled. She looks back at Caitlyn and realizes she thought she wasn’t coming. Even though everyone is stone faced, Caitlyn’s lip quirks up quickly. The knot in Vi’s chest unravels as she looks at her. All the people she wants to pummel fade away as she stares at her Soulmate. 

“Officers, look at your Soulmates. There is no oath more sacred. No bond more true. Every choice you make in the field, your Soulmate will bear. It is your responsibility to honor that bond with every action and every choice. Do you swear to uphold this oath?”

“I do!”

“Soulmates!” Vi stiffens but Caitlyn touches her wrist and keeps her eyes fixed on her, “you are the anchor that grounds, the light that guides, the port in the storm. Your trust in your Soulmate must be absolute. Will you be that anchor, that light, that port?”

“I will!” The people around her shout. 

Caitlyn looks at her and Vi realizes she’s still got her lips clamped together. 

“Do you swear to uphold this oath?” The man asks. 

“I do,” she says in the moment before the others shout it. 

“Then present your Soulmates with their badges as a sign of your Oaths.”

Vi holds the badge out. Caitlyn always wears gloves with a few fingers missing. She’s an excellent shot. Even her formal gloves have them missing. Her two fingers are bare when they touch Vi’s skin as they close over the badge. For a long moment it feels like it’s just them on the stage, the badge caught between them. It feels like electricity jolts between them as they look at each other. It’s hard to let go of the badge, even though Vi never wanted to touch one. But she gets the feeling that has less to do with the badge and a lot more to do with the fingers that slip away from hers. Even though she’s still wearing the uniform, VI can’t really see anything but her eyes. There’s the sound of something banging and all the new officers erupt into cheers at being sworn in. 

She’s not sure who moves first but they catch each other in a tight hug. Both of their backs sting but neither cares as they grip fabric and breath in familiar scents. Vi hears Caitlyn's badge hit the ground and puts her shoe over it so it won’t get lost as confetti starts to fall around them. Everyone else is cheering and clapping but they just hold each other tightly on the stage. Like they haven’t in months. Like some part of VI though they never would again. They hold each other as the confetti falls and the cheers ease into conversation. It doesn’t matter. They’d have to pry Caitlyn from her arms and from the way Caitlyn holds her, Vi knows it’s the same. At least until a gloved hand touches where their arms are overlapped. 

“Violet, lovely to see you,” Cassandra Kiramman says, then her voice tightens, “Caitlyn, the stage is emptying.”

Caitlyn loosens her arms and stiffens. Vi looks over to see the worry on Cassandra Kiramman’s face, but it reads as disapproval. Vi wonders how Caitlyn did all of this with that look, but instantly feels like an idiot. Caitlyn’s the toughest person she knows. She nods at her mother who motions her forward. 

“Gotta tie my shoe,” Vi says quickly, dropping down. She fiddles with the laces as she palms the badge under her toe, “how are you doing, Counselor Kiramman?” She says, offering her arm, “this was a great ceremony,“ she starts, lifting the badge behind her back.

Caitlyn’s fingers close over it and squeeze her hand as she slips it into her pocket. She falls into line with them as they make their way towards the other newly sworn in Officers. All of whom are posing with their families and badges. Caitlyn seamlessly joins them for the appropriate photos, hiding the mark Vi’s sure her shoe left by keeping the badge open. The sight of it in her hand should gut her more than it does. But the memory of Caitlyn dropping it to hold her is the only thing that matters. 

Caitlyn dropped the badge for her. 

That’s the only thing that matters as she finds herself back at the Kiramman house for the party they’re throwing. It’s been months since she’s been in the place, but it feels like no time has passed at all. Caitlyn is swarmed by people congratulating her on the accomplishment and for the first time, she goes pink with the compliments. She’s happy. Because this is something she did on her own. Vi feels an odd sense of pride as she watches and tries to distract herself with the appetizers they bring around on silvery trays. There’s a weird bubbling feeling in her gut as she keeps meeting Caitlyn’s eye. As Caitlyn smiles at her and gets carried away by whoever wants to congratulate her next. Vi wants them all to congratulate her. 

“She’s really something, isn’t she?” Someone says and Vi nods, “she’ll make someone very happy one day.”

“She has a Soulmate,” Vi says. 

“That’s not what I’m talking about.”

“I’m—“ Vi looks around and only sees the crowd. 

The warm bubbling feeling only increases with how easily Caitlyn’s eyes flick towards her. She motions at her but Vi shakes her head. A slight pout comes onto Caitlyn’s lips but Vi taps her fingers against the wall. She’ll be there she just needs a minute. Caitlyn smiles and nods, turning back to the person she’s talking to. Caitlyn wants her over there. Vi wants to be there. But the wall might be the only thing keeping her up. She forces her eyes away from Caitlyn. By some insane twist of fate her eyes find the family portrait. The one where Caitlyn’s mom stands over her family protectively. Her hand is on Tobias’ shoulder even though he’s not her Soulmate. He’s her chosen spouse. That kind of thing happens all the time. It’s just a part of life. But for the first time when Vi stares at it, the idea of anyone but her in that chair makes her feel sick. She looks back over at Caitlyn as she slips a piece of hair behind her ear and leans to hear what the person is saying. The person she’s talking to is a tall woman with a lot of medals on her chest. Vi is still nauseated by the Zaunite blood but for the first time, the curl of her fist is both that and the fact that Catilyn is talking to a tall woman with medals on her chest. 

“Violet,” Tobias Kiramman appears next to her, “sorry to leave you alone,“ he stops, “are you alright?”

“Fine,” Vi says, pushing from the wall, “sorry, I have to—“ she nods towards Caitlyn. Tobias smiles and hands her both of the drinks, “thanks.”

Behind her she sees Cassandra approach and roll her eyes. Tobias looks smug. But none of those things matter as Vi makes her way through the crowd to Caitlyn. Caitlyn immediately turns towards her and takes one of the drinks. She gives Vi a curious look and Vi realizes she has no idea what she’s just passed her. She shrugs and Caitlyn echoes the gesture, looping their arms together. 

“Should we get some air?” She suggests.

“No,” Vi says, squeezing he hand, “let’s find someone else to congratulate you,” Caitlyn goes pink, “you deserve it.”

“You don’t have to—“

“No, seriously,” Vi says, “you did all of this on your own. You deserve to hear how incredible you are.”

The pink turns to red on Caitlyn’s cheeks. 

“You are incredible,” Vi says. 

The world does that weird slow thing again and Vi wishes she could blame it on the liquor. But she’s only holding two glasses of Caitlyn’s preferred soda water. 

“I meant what I said if this doesn’t—“

“Not tonight, okay?" Vi says, “we’ll talk about it later. Tonight is just about you.”

Caitlyn stares at her and Vi hates that she looks even a little surprised. But then she nods and steps a little closer. Someone calls for her and she grips Vi’s arm but Vi is already moving with her so she can have her Soulmate at her side for the next round of praise. It’s a blur and Vi has to remind herself not to just stare at Caitlyn like she’s seeing her for the first time. That’s what it feels like though. Like it did when she opened her eyes for the first time when Vi yelled for her to do it. It’s not until Caitlyn gets them outside finally for a breath of air that Vi remembers to breathe. 

“Wait lets—“

“No,” Caitlyn says, “I appreciate it but you look like you’re about to fall over,” she says, brushing her fingers through Vi’s hair, “I could sit for a minute myself.”

They sit on the rail of the balcony like they have for years. Caitlyn lets her head drop to Vi’s shoulder and Vi rests her head on top of it. 

“We’re going to be okay, right?” Caitlyn asks softly. 

“Yeah, Cupcake, I think we are."

Chapter Text

He sighs as the transport stops next to him. 

“She wants a word.”

Vander nods and slides into the transport. It’s a private one, so expensive it makes him itch just to think about it. If she was going for subtly she missed the mark, but he’s not about to tell her that. Across the footwell Cassandra glares out the window. Vander fights the urge to fidget like a boy during his first arrest. She’s not here for him. She’s here for the same reason he’s carrying a paper bag filled with a medicine cabinet for his hungover daughter. Before he can figure out the proper greeting for this situation, she starts speaking.

“She introduced me to the girl last night,” she says tightly, her fingers picking at an invisible piece of link, “Maddie,” she says the name with such contempt it almost makes him smile, “the one she’s been dragging into broom closets.”

“She seem nice?”

Teal eyes slam into his. 

“That’s not the point, Vander,” Cassandra snaps, “she brought her through the front door,” her lips press together, “the only girl she’s bought through the front door was—“ she trails off uncharacteristically. 

“Look it’s better than them sleeping together while things are like this between them,” he says. Cassandra gives him a look of disagreement, “Better for Vi,” he corrects, “she’s tough but she doesn’t sleep with people she’s mad at.”

“Caitlyn’s speciality,” Cassandra says, annoyance slipping into her tone, “I didn’t drive down here to discuss the merits of them sleeping together,” she says, “we have family coming over for the Equinox celebration.”

Vander can’t quite keep the smile off his face. Cassandra is a trained politician, she’s made grown men wet themselves. But he watches as color creeps across her cheekbones. Then she straightens up and fixes him with a look. 

“I need you to keep Violet under control for the next four days.”

“Under control?” He says. Cassandra gives him the most withering look. 

“Nothing before ten pm,” she says, “please.”

Vander scrubs his face and tries to think what he can do to make this work. It’s going to take a group effort. He hates doing this. He’s always tried to instill in the kids that you fight for family. You support family. It’s been damn hard to do during this time. When Vi’s anger first reached the boiling point, he’d been able to temper it by reminding her what she stood to lose. By taking her to the Bridge so she could see what would happen. They were right to be on the Bridge, right to fight for what they were fighting for. For that better tomorrow. They were right and he still would give anything to scream sense into his younger self. Remind him what being right cost those kids. Now Vi is older. Any headway he thought he made with her anger is erased by the hurt. He wants her to feel those feelings, to hopefully get them out, but he cannot bear her facing the same consequences. Right now Vi is happy to spit that she never wants to see Caitlyn again, but Vander knows that’s not true. Those same words have come from his own lips too many times to believe them from Vi. 

“What about Caitlyn?”

“Send word when you need us to do the same,” Cassandra replies, “we need to keep things even.”

Vander sighs and thinks of Vi’s back tattoo. He also thinks about when she goes randomly red in the face and her fingers clench around her mug. 

“Even’s a stretch,” he mutters. 

They look at each other silently. Of all the things that have happened, their war being encapsulated in their daughters was not something he considered. He’d stressed the responsibility of leadership to Vi, but he did that so she wouldn’t lead her siblings into harms way. He’d never dreamed that she’d be the figurehead for all of Zaun. He would never have put that burden on her. He would have expected that from Cassandra Kiramman though. But he’s watched as she’s sheltered the girls. Watched as she’s tried to show understanding in a way he wouldn’t expect from someone who was prepared to destroy a bridge to prevent them from reaching their destination. Piltover was obsessive about they pound of flesh for every infraction. They usually found it in Zaun, no matter how much he tried to prevent it. But when it came to it, when Cassandra Kiramman had every right to demand that flesh from his family for almost killing her daughter—she hadn’t. That counted for something. 

“We’ll try,” he says, “but you’d better have a backup plan. She’s—“ he hesitates, not wanting to divulge too much, “she’s hurting,” he says finally. 

Cassandra lets out a measured breath, something close to a sigh. 

“I tried to dissuade her,” she says. Vander looks at her and she makes a noise in the back of her throat, “when she came home in tears after Violet, I thought it would be the end of it. I never thought she would hurt Violet.”

Vander tries to focus on the worry in her voice but it’s hard. Cassandra was in the old Zaun, but there’s a damn difference between visiting and living it. She got her hands dirty, more than he expected from someone who ran Piltover, but then she went back to the sky and forgot about things until Vi. He knows she must have worried over Caitlyn’s injuries and he hates comparing things. It opens a door he’s worked damn hard to keep shut. But Cassandra Kiramman has never had to watch her child cry from hunger. Never had to watch them wet themselves in fear when someone wearing blue walks by. She’s never had to watch them know they were less than someone else and there was damn little they could do about it. She’s never had to take her child to their parents memorial because the Enforcers dragged everyone’s bodies away like they were trash. 

“She didn’t do this, you did,” he says. Cassandra’s eyes narrow. Vander rubs his face, “I saw you when you came down to tour the mines for your vents. I saw the way you looked at us. I thought—“ he stops himself. He had thought there was hope when she looked horrified and everyone else had laughed. Called him a fool until he’d clocked someone and they’d shut up about it, “you remember that? That’s what Vi grew up in.” 

Cassandra is quiet and stone faced. 

“Caitlyn’s the reason she survived it, but—“

“But she’s my daughter and I put Violet in that position,” she cuts in. Vander hates how when she says it, it doesn’t make him sound vindicated like he thought it would, “I will always be Caitlyn’s mother. If you think this is the end for them--”

Vander shakes his head.

“That’s not what I’m saying,” he says, “I’m saying Vi’s more hurt than she’s letting on. This isn’t going to be quick.”

“Or painless,” Cassandra says. 

“Can she handle it?” 

Cassandra straightens up and for the first time looks genuinely annoyed at the question. Vander meets her ire with his own gaze. She might be trying to shift them into their familiar roles, but Vander’s not taking the bait. They’re not the Counselor and the Hound, they’re two parents trying to do better for their kids. They’re united like they have been since the moment they were ushered into that hospital room. 

“Caitlyn can handle anything,” she says, “four days. Tell me when you need the same.”

“We’ll do our best,” he says.

Powder wakes to a truly awful bird call followed by a snort of laughter and slurred whispers. 

She glances at the clock and muffles her apology into the pillow. 

She downs two of the mild painkillers with a glass of water in an effort to prevent the headache she can feel building. She’s trying to be a good Soulmate as well as a good sister, but the latter wins. It’s a good thing Ekko is understanding, but she doesn’t want to inflict a migraine on him. Not when they have engineering first thing. It’s his favorite class. Hers too. But she hasn’t earned the right to think of anything good as theirs. Not yet. Not until she can share something other than pain with him. Powder takes the second glass of water down before grabbing the third. She always keeps three by her bed. Two so she’s not dehydrated, one for Vi.  Next to the glass is her ground up mix of painkillers, vitamins and electrolytes. She adds the powder into the glass and drops the monkey after it. He begins to spin his cymbals in opposite directions, creating a small whirlpool in the glass as everything gets mixed together. Powder fishes him out with a soft thanks and puts him back on her table before taking the glass to Vi. 

“Pow-Pow?” Vi slurs at her. 

“What the fuck?” She whispers to Mylo who shrugs and looks at her helplessly before she turns to Vi, “hey Vi, lets get you to bed.”

“Don’t you have robotics?”

“Uh-huh,” she says, “so lets get there quickly so I can go back to sleep.”

Vi nods and stumbles with them to Powder’s room. Mylo looks at her and Powder shrugs, steering Vi into her bed. It’s a bad night if Vi is stumbling to her room. As a kid Powder always found it so comforting being wrapped in Vi’s embrace. She never realized that Vi felt the same. Together they get Vi onto the bed and Powder hands her the glass. Vi tips it up in a cheers and begins to chug. She and Mylo each take a shoe and push them under the bed so Vi won’t find them and try to leave. Powder takes the glass and sets it aside as Vi drops backwards. She looks over at Mylo. Out of Vi’s sight his face falls. He looks like the boy who used to tug her braid and make fun of her. Just so Vi would give him some attention. Young and lost. Powder squeezes his shoulder and he swallows, his shoulders shaking. She jerks her head at the door and he shakes his own, scrubbing under his cheeks. He takes a deep breath and pokes Vi’s knee. Vi grunts. 

“She’s icing it,” she mumbles, “leave it alone.”

“You know it’ll help if we ice it too,” Powder says. 

“Don’t wanna help,” Vi slurs out, “just want it to stop.”

Powder nods at Mylo to get some ice as she coaxes Vi to lay down on the pillows. Injuries always go faster if both sides are receiving treatment. Vi is already in so much pain, she doesn’t want her to add a bum knee to this list. She shoves a pillow under her knee and Vi makes a noise of protest, throwing an arm over her eyes. Powder hesitates. It feels shitty to help Vi when she doesn’t want it. The only thing Powder can cling to is the memory of all the times Vi helped her when she didn’t want it. These are different circumstances but she doesn’t let that stop her. Vi was willing to starve herself and go cold so Powder could be comfortable. Powder will put painkillers in her drink and ice her bruises so Vi can feel the same. It’s just easier to do it when Vi doesn’t directly tell her no. It’s hard to go against Vi when she says no. Powder straightens up and reaches for the clean glass when Vi’s hand streaks out and grabs her wrist. 

“You’re okay,” Powder soothes as Vi shakes her head, “Vi you’re home safe.”

“She’s gonna kill us,” Vi whispers, “I keep seeing it—“ she cuts herself off with a ragged breath, her arm slipping to reveal wild eyes, “she’s gonna change her mind. I have to protect us—“ she babbles, shifting, “we have to get out of here—“

“Vi, Vi no,” Powder grips her shoulders, “we’re okay. She dropped the charges, remember?”

Vi stares at her blankly. 

“She isn’t going to throw us in jail because you two are fighting,” Powder says. 

“You don’t know that,” Vi says, gripping her arm, “you don’t know—“

“Hey, slugger, remember this?” Powder looks up gratefully as Claggor appears with their papers. Vi grabs them and thumbs through their pardons. They have no criminal records. There weren’t any formal charges. But the Kirammans handed them the papers anyway so they would have something physical to hold. They’re official Council documents and stamped with House Kiramman’s Seal, “even if she changes her mind the Council wouldn’t honor it.”

That at least gets Vi to lay back. Claggor quickly takes the papers back. Vander keeps them locked in the safe, just in case. They haven’t come out in years but now scarcely a week goes by when they don’t have to press them into Vi’s hands. Remind her the choice isn’t Caitlyn’s alone. It’s a horrible thing to realize the lack of trust between them. To watch as Vi’s softness turns brittle. As Caitlyn becomes the target for something that is so much bigger. It feels like they’re back in that room. All the things that got them there weren’t their fault, but it would have been so easy to blame them anyway. To make her the scapegoat for the explosion like she had planned on doing it. She saw the fear in Vander’s eyes. The same fear she saw when they were girls and those posters went up looking for them. She didn’t know what the emotion was back then but she knows it now. She hates that Vi is the target again. That Vi is the one who bears the cost. She went stir crazy when they had to stay in the basement until Powder climbed on her back and demanded endless rides. That was when Vi started building muscle. She did it for Powder. Now Powder can help her not add bruises to it. They all can. 

“And if she did, we should be ready to run so lay down and get some sleep,” Mylo says. 

Powder reminds herself she can’t kill him. He’s the only one Vi lets accompany her on these jaunts. He was the only one willing to join her anger and she’s decided he’s the safest bet. She considers his words and slowly lays down. Her grip stays on Powder. Powder climbs over her and pulls Vi onto her side. Claggor grabs the wastebasket and puts it near the bed as Powder wraps her arms around her sister. Vi’s breath hitches as she lays there. The tattoo is an outline right now but it’s starting to get filled in. The top is a safe bet though for a hug. She runs her fingers along the gears outlined on Vi’s neck. 

“Figured if I’m broken, I should have some parts,” Vi mumbles. 

“You’re not broken,” Powder hushes. She watches as a tear breaks free and she tightens her grip on Vi, “even if you are, we’re gonna fix it,” she says, “Ekko and I can fix anything except each other.”

Vi lets out a wet, miserable laugh. 

“Same.”

“What about this?” Vander asks, holding up a gear, “come here and let me see.”

Vi rolls her eyes and stretches out her neck as Vander pretends to consider the gear with the tattoo. Vi glances at him and even though she’s mad he’s dragged her here—and mad at everything else these days—her lips still quirk up at his pretend thoughtfulness. It’s the first time he’s seen her smile in god knows how long. He can’t help but ruffle her hair even though it makes the smile drop. She still goes pink and mutters an embarrassed ‘dad’ before turning back to another set of gears for Powder. Over his shoulder he sees Benzo smile and shake his head, pretending to look busy. He lifts his head up, but whatever he’s about to say stops. 

“Hey, Vi? You alright?”

Vander turns and looks at Vi. She’s completely stiff. He can’t even see her back move as she breathes. One of her hands is on the gears but she’s frozen with it in front of her. 

“Vi?"

The gear falls and Vi crumples with it. She’s screaming by the time her knees hit the ground. Benzo throws himself over the counter and they both scramble for her. Vi’s hands are clutching at her face as she screams. She gets in three wails before she begins to cough. It’s a wet, awful sound as she tries to scream and get enough air to clear her lungs. It’s been over a decade since he heard that sound, but it’s not one you forget. Benzo is already scrambling to his feet and ripping up the stairs as Vander grips Vi’s shoulders. It’s only the lack of air that makes her pliable as he guides her down into his lap. Benzo comes racing back with a jug in his hand. He rips the cap off with his teeth and pours the contents over Vi’s face. She’s still coughing, but the milky liquid at least gets rid of the burning in her eyes. They used to carry those jugs with them, when the Enforcers were liberal with the gas. But it’s been years since anyone’s had to face it. He makes soothing noises as Benzo streams it over Vi’s eyes until the burning eases. 

“Gas?” Benzo whispers over Vi’s coughs. 

“Enforcer training,” Vander murmurs. Benzo goes paler and shakes his head as they turn their attention back to Vi, “just hang on it’s almost over,” Vander says. 

The coughing eases, but the shaking gets worse, not better. 

“We need more,” Vander growls seeing the empty jug, but Benzo shakes his head. 

Vi lets out a guttural sob. 

Vander’s stomach drops at the sound. It’s been years since Vi let anyone hear her cry, him included. She’s forever muffling her tears in her shirt or pillow. But now she lets out another deep, horrible sob. The shaking isn’t from pain—or it’s not that kind of pain. This is a worse pain. Vi curls into herself as she cries, drawing her knees against her chest like she’s trying to vanish. Benzo’s head drops and he shakes it, putting his hand on Vi’s shoulder. It only makes Vi cry harder. One of her hands scrambles at her throat for a necklace that no longer lays there. Vander knows in her head she’s probably not in the shop. Not anymore. 

“Mama,” Vi chokes out.

She’s on the bridge. 

“Damn,” Benzo mutters, “Vi—“ 

Vander shakes his head. If she’s truly on the bridge, there’s no words that will reach her. Not anymore. His knees feel much older than they did that day, but the adrenaline is the same. Benzo looks at him sadly and nods, helping shift Vi towards him. Like she did when she was a girl, Vi turns into his embrace. Her arms wind around his neck as Vander gets his under her seat and straightens up. She takes up more of his torso now, but not by much. Vander wraps his arms around her as Benzo stands on his own creaking knees. He walks over to the door and holds it open as Vander carries Vi out. 

Zaun is so much better than the last time they did this. 

So much better and none of it matters right now. Nothing matters but the sobbing girl with her arms around his neck. She’s just watched her mother die. Die because he convinced her a better life waited for them if they were brave enough to fight for it. He did that and yet Vi still locks her arms around his neck and trusts him to carry her away from the violence. When she was a girl he thought maybe she didn’t understand. But she’s told him over and over she did. She understood. She understood but she knew he would get them somewhere safe. It’s almost more humbling that she trusted him with Powder, but Vi has always put her safety first. 

“You’re good, kiddo,” he says, “it’s almost over.”

Vi makes a choked sobbing sound and tightens her arms around him. Her breathing is still choked but she’s not coughing. She’s just whimpering. The damn bar is open so Vander pulls down the fire escape and climbs up. Vi’s death grip on his neck lets him hold her one handed as he makes his way to the roof. He makes his way to Vi’s room and lowers them onto the ledge outside her window. He’s not surprised to find it unlocked even though he always tells them to lock their windows. He’s too old to be climbing though windows, but for Vi he can move the world. He stands in the room and rocks her gently as she sobs in fear and pain. He’s tried to walk the line with this. To juggle letting her feel and work though things with pulling her back from danger. But this is something else. This isn’t getting near the wound, this is being stabbed right though it. The pain here isn’t physical. 

He wishes it was. 

For the first time he feels afraid as he rocks her. This kind of pain is the most dangerous. There’s no adjusting to it when it hits like this. This is the kind of pain that had him in that water with his Soulmate. She’d be justified doing the same. He knows that. But he can’t stand the thought. When you’re stuck in that kind of anger you can’t imagine the day when it won’t consume you. But that day comes. It always fucking does. And the idea of Vi standing in the ruins of her life because she gave into the same anger makes him want to scream. No it makes him want to put on his gauntlets and go back to the bridge. To fight until his arms fall off and he figures out a way to stop Vi from going down his same damned road. For now though, all he can do is rock her like she’s that pink haired babe Felicia placed into his arms all those years ago. 

“It’s almost over,” he murmurs again, and just prays this shakes out better than he’s fearing. 

Powder can’t move. 

She’s squeezing Mr. Bunny so hard she’s shocked he has any fluff left. That it hasn’t spilled out from one of his more worn patches. She needs to go upstairs and tuck him in with Vi, but she can’t move. All she can do is sit in the silence and try not to think about Vi’s scream-sobs echoing down the hallway. She always told herself that Enforcers couldn’t know what that gas felt like. If they did, they’d never use it. Now she knows that they do know what it feels like and they use it anyway. She’s seen a lot of horrible things, some of which she only vaguely remembers, but this one is near the top. She’s sitting in the dark of the bar when she sees something gold out of the corner of her eye. In her periphery she watches Vander come down the stairs by the light of the candle. They have electricity now, but he keeps them for storms. The sky is clear but she can feel the storm inside her. 

“Hard day,” Vander says as he takes out her cup and pours something into it.

“Did you know they did that?” Powder whispers. 

“They keep training a secret,” Vander says, “don’t think anyone knew,” he nudges the glass towards her, “so Vi doesn’t worry.”

Powder sucks some of the juice up but she can’t taste it. Which might be a good thing, she’s pretty sure she’d puke it up if she could. But if Vi asks if she’s had anything today she can say yes without lying. But she hopes that Vi stays asleep. She hopes that she has nice dreams. No, she hopes that this is the dream and Vi has woken up somewhere where today never happened. She tightens her grip on Mr. Bunny. Under Vander’s watchful eye she drinks down another mouthful of juice. 

“It feels like we’re back there,” she mumbles. 

“I know,” Vander says, “but we’re not.”

“But—“ she starts and then cuts herself off. Vander gives her a questioning look and she takes a breath, “how do you know?”

Vander looks down at his hands. Even though his yellow eye is fake, Powder almost can see it going foggy too. Neither of them like talking about that day. When it comes up, Powder nods sympathetically with whatever they say. When she was younger she’d try to get them to talk until Vander sat her down and explained how it hurt to talk about. How even though she was upset she couldn’t remember, it was better that way. He’d given her a notebook and a pen and told her to write down what she could remember. He would do the same and one day they would switch. Powder remembers mostly trying not to trip over her feet. How had it had been to hum and walk and hold Vi’s hand at the same time. She remembers Vi put her in a long shirt even though she said she was hot. Then she remembers Vi sobbing. Like she was sobbing today. 

“I know because I’m older than you,” Vander says, “and I know things are different now,” he shakes his head before looking at her, “I want what comes next to be better for Vi.”

Powder looks down and nods. 

Vander lets out a slow breath and a moment later, his yellow eye looks up at her from the bar. He used to do it when she was a kid so she wouldn’t be afraid. But it’s been years. She’s not afraid of it, nor is she afraid of the empty space in his head. She’s almost grown now but suddenly she feels very small when she looks up at the empty space and remembers how it got there. Both he and Silco were adamant they were right. The other just didn’t understand. It makes Powder thing of her own twisted bond with Ekko. They were friends once and now they can barely spend time together without it being awkward. The only thing they feel across the Bond is pain. Powder knows she started it but anytime she brings it up, Ekko shuts the conversation down. They both hurt because of it, even if it was her mistake. 

“Sheriff Grayson stopped by earlier,” he says, “Caitlyn was unaware of this part of the training. The surprise is—“ he taps his eye, “part of it.”

Powder blows out a breath. 

Caitlyn is another person who doesn’t like to talk about the Bridge. She says she got off easily, but from what Powder pieced together it was terrifying for her too. None of them had been tear gassed before. Powder’s not sure any of them thought that Caitlyn knew, but the surprise element makes her wonder if Caitlyn panicked too. If they were both thrown back to the Bridge. If Ekko is stubborn, Vi is a thousand times worse. She’s the one who taught them how to be stubborn. All Powder can think of is how Vi used to talk about Caitlyn. How she used to soften when they talked about her. Or when Caitlyn would come and visit them. Now all she thinks about is the hard edge Vi’s voice has taken on. How now that this has happened, she has no idea when they will talk again. Powder doesn’t think Enforcers are good, she never will. But Caitlyn is good. Vi just can’t see it right now. 

“Is she okay?” Powder asks. Vander looks down, “did you ask?” Powder questions. 

“Slipped my mind,” he says, “but given Sheriff Grayson’s black eye, I’m guessing she’s in a similar state.”

“They don’t deserve this,” Powder mumbles. 

“I know,” Vander says, “that’s why I need your help to make sure it doesn’t—“ he taps his eye, “can I count on you?”

Powder thinks of her own broken bond and nods. 

“Good girl, take the trash before you go to bed?”

Powder bobs her head again as Vander moves her empty cup to the sink. He ruffles her hair and Powder tries to smile. She jumps off the stool and he hugs her tightly. Vander and Vi are tied in her head for the best hug givers. But she realizes how much she needed this one from him. It feels like they’re united in this new mission to save Vi. Vi deserves everything, but at the very least she deserves to not have a messed up bond with her Soulmate. Vander hugs her tight and then bids her goodnight. He makes his way up the stairs. Powder walks over to the trash and stops. It’s already been taken out except for one crumpled piece of paper. She glances over at the stairs that are now empty. Frowning she walks back to the candle and sets Mr. Bunny on her opposite side. He regards her with his button eyes. 

“You know what he’s up to?” She asks. 

Mr. Bunny doesn’t give up his secrets. 

She turns back to the paper and unfolds it. She’s careful when she smooths it out, noticing some of the water damage. Her skin tingles when she recognizes the careful script, though it’s trembling in some places. She’s never seen Caitlyn’s handwriting look anything less than perfect. Powder glances back at the stairs and then at the note. She knows it wasn’t meant for her to read, but it’s in the garbage. That means it’s fair game for anyone going through their trash. She’s just the one doing it. Which is actually lucky, because she knows no-one else should be reading it. Powder shifts in her seat and looks up at Mr. Bunny. 

“We’re doing this for Vi,” she says and turns back to the note. 

Vi,

I didn’t know. 

I know you won’t believe me right now. I know you may never believe me. But I need you to see it in my own hand. I didn’t know. 

My mother is screaming at Sheriff Grayson for following the rules, even though she’s letting me break them to write to you. It seems appropriate that our last words are breaking a rule. I know we aren’t speaking, I know we may never speak again especially after this. But if you read this one day I want you to know I would break all of the rules to keep you safe. That hasn’t changed. It will never change. I did this to help more people, not hurt you. One day I’ll prove that to you. I promise. 

You said a cupcake was a wonderful thing and that was why you called me it. I know you no longer think I’m wonderful, but please know my thoughts on you haven’t changed. I’ve given you space like you asked but now I fear that space will never go away and it’s all my fault. I’ll keep fighting to make the world better like we wanted. But please know it will never be enough after hurting you. 

I’m sorry. 

Cait. 

Chapter Text

“Caitlyn?”

Caitlyn doesn’t look up from where her arms are locked around her knees. The shower has long since turned cold, but she can’t bring herself to move. Cold will help the fire still clinging to her eyes and lungs. Even though she’s not certain if that’s from the gas anymore or if it’s from the tears that have followed. She doesn’t know anything anymore. All she can do is sit with her knees drawn up and her head pressed to them. Even as a familiar pair of boots she’s always loved to hear comes closer and twists the knob off. A moment later there’s a sigh as Sheriff Grayson joins her on the floor. 

“I gave her the letter,” she says, “she opened it.”

Caitlyn tightens her arms around her legs. 

She doesn’t need to ask what came next. She had already been crying but the wave of anger was not hers. The anger has been coming in waves the entire time she’s been training. Her heart jumps, her palms sweat—then her knuckles start to scrape. All signs of Vi’s anger. And if there was any doubt, within a day the stinging in her back starts. Day, night, she has no idea. It happens when it happens and all she can do is fight her way through whatever training exercise it is. Somehow Vi seems to pick the times when they’re doing something physical. Caitlyn has no idea how. When she tried to explain, she’d been asked if she expected criminals to also give her time to explain. So Caitlyn had no choice but to ignore the fiery pain that traces her spine and burns when sweat gets in it. She told Vi she was going to have bruises, she apologized for them. She tries to keep them to a minimum and ices the ones she gets. She’s trying to make this work. 

And Vi has gotten her entire back tattooed in response. 

Their back. 

There’s no ink in Caitlyn’s tattoo. It will heal back to skin. But in the meantime she’s had needles pushed into her skin for hours each day. The pain spurs her on, but it also makes everything so much harder. Even the shower hurts most nights. Some nights the needles go over her newly tender muscles and she has to bite her washcloth not to scream. Then her mother inevitably asks if she’s heard from Vi recently and Caitlyn has to leave the dinner table to scream. She’s heard from her alright, depending on how loudly Vi wants to shout, sometimes she cannot even sleep on her side. It has to be on her stomach, even when they’ve been sparring and that is the place she is most tender. Caitlyn has tried to be understanding of Vi’s emotions. But the bitterness has been growing. Right up until this morning when they sat down for their morning meeting. And suddenly she was a child again sitting on the couch trying to claw out her own eyes just to make the burning stop. 

“I’m never going to see her again, am I?” Caitlyn says. 

“She’s a few miles that way,” Sheriff Grayson says, pointing over her shoulder, “you’ll see her again,” she’s quiet for a moment, “it won’t be the same for a while but—“ she waves her hand, “that may change too.”

Caitlyn lets out a cold laugh. 

“Vi hates change.”

Sheriff Grayson lets out another sigh. Caitlyn doesn’t have to look to know the expression on her face. She’s well acquainted with Vi’s stubbornness. Vi’s stubbornness and her father’s stubbornness. She also knows that she thinks Caitlyn is equally stubborn. Before Caitlyn would have argued against the accusation, but after the past few months it’s undeniable. She is stubborn. She’s dug her heels in and fought at every turn to get to this point. Against her mother’s ire, against Vi stamping their skin with needles—against the other cadets who call her Princess and wonder why she has to go through this at all. Shouldn’t her mother just buy her the badge? They accuse her of cheating and wasting a spot that could go to someone not afraid to get their hands dirty. 

A lot of the time they sound like Vi. 

Caitlyn is used to being different from her peers, she always seems to be. She never wanted to play the schoolyard games where you pinched yourself to see if your Soulmate was around. Nor did she want to wear the short skirts that showed off her bruised knees. Even without all of those things it was always something. She was too tall, too skinny, too Ionian. Caitlyn stopped keeping track a long time ago. When Vi was there it was better. Vi didn’t care about any of that stuff and would make fun of anyone who tried to bring it up. Caitlyn hadn’t realized how different it felt when she was there until she wasn’t. Until she was back with all the mocking and the whispers. Only this time there was deliberate physical pain. It was usually minor but somehow it made everything worse because it was Vi causing it. 

“You know there are all kinds of Soulmate relationships,” she reminds her, “it’s rare to have one throughout your lifetime.”

Caitlyn bites into her bottom lip before remembering Vi can feel it and letting it go. 

“I didn’t want to have another kind,” she says, finally meeting Sheriff Grayson’s eyes.  

Sheriff Grayson just looks at her calmly from behind the black eyes her mother has given her. One eyebrow quirks up and Caitlyn wilts under the gaze. She always has, ever since she was a little girl. Her mother’s Soulmate always sees through her. Like the bond between them has been passed down genetically. Maybe it has. Or maybe Caitlyn has just been worse at hiding her feelings than she thought. Even that is preferable to the other option: she hasn’t been bad at hiding them, they just aren’t reciprocated. In which case she has been the one misreading everything. It doesn’t matter anymore, she knows that it doesn’t, but before all of this she thought maybe there was a chance for them. 

“Maybe you’re right,” Sheriff Grayson says, “maybe this is the end of it for you two,” Caitlyn rests her chin on her knee, “do you regret choosing to fight for what you want for once?”

“I’ve fought for what I want,” Caitlyn argues. 

Sheriff Grayson smiles faintly. 

“Sorry, Young Kiramman,” she says, slipping back into their old formalities, “I’ve escorted you from too many lake parties to believe that.”

Caitlyn feels her cheeks get hot. It wasn’t even like she wanted to be at those parties. Not while people in Zaun were starving. Not while her Soulmate might die. But perhaps just one, just to see what it was like to swim with the other kids. But whenever she put on her swimsuit they all gasped at the bruises and scars that dotted her frame. One of the parents suggested she might be more comfortable waiting inside. They had tried to call for medical help for her. Thankfully Sheriff Grayson had intercepted and escorted her home. Stopped for ice cream along the way and consoled her that sometimes children were cruel. But she’d be away from them all soon enough. Except it turned out that adults were just as cruel. If Caitlyn didn’t fit in with them and she didn’t fit in with Vi, where the hell was she supposed to go?

“Those parties don’t matter,” she says. 

“None of it matters now,” Sheriff Grayson agrees, “but at the time they did. Does this matter?”

Caitlyn frowns and considers the question. This isn’t a party. This is something more. She knows that not all Enforcers are good or bad. Nothing is that simple. Vi’s father gives the best hugs but she knows that Sheriff Grayson has colleagues who were smothered by his arms or died by his fists. He found his redemption in helping people. In working with Sheriff Grayson to bring about peace. That is what Caitlyn wants to do—what she’s always wanted to do. The way her mother works is slow going, she had been working on the vents for years. It had taken that first winter Caitlyn coughed up blood because of Vi struggling to breathe for the family to put the proper amount of money behind it. There had to be a way to help people that didn’t require so much suffering. The only person Caitlyn knew who helped people every day was Sheriff Grayson. Caitlyn so badly wanted to help people like that. So when other starving children were forced into robbing, she could step In and help them. Instead of waiting for the Council to address issues that seemed too big to address in one lifetime. 

“It does,” Caitlyn says, “but—“

“No buts,” Sheriff Grayson replies, “it does or it doesn’t. Saving lives requires you to move quickly and decisively. If you’re incapable of that—“ she trails off. 

“I’m not!” Caitlyn shoots back. 

Sheriff Grayson smiles at the tone in her voice. For most of ht relief Caitlyn has been saving lives, one life in particular. The life of someone that now hates her. That thinks of her in the same breath as the people who killed her parents, even though Caitlyn isn’t like them. She knows she’s not. And there is a voice in the back of her head that whispers that Vi knows it too. Otherwise every soft look, every moment they’ve spent together, it’s all been a lie. Caitlyn knows it hasn’t. This loss hurts too much for that to have been the case. She just cannot fathom why wanting to save more lives is such a bad thing to Vi. Why she wasn’t given even the slightest moment of grace. Why Vi went out of her way to make this training as difficult as possible. Just like everyone else in Caitlyn’s life. Vi might have been certain she had nothing in common with anyone in Piltover, but she has been acting like her mother this entire training. 

Her mother who just walked in and punched her Soulmate. 

For Vi. 

Caitlyn knows she was in there too, but this was for Vi. For what Vi went through. Her mother never went and told Vi off for what Vi did. It puts a bitter taste in her mouth to think about how much her mother also thinks she has ruined the Bond. Sheriff Grayson is understanding but she will be Caitlyn’s boss. There is a professionalism they have to walk. But it’s another thing that makes Caitlyn want it more. Sheriff Grayson is always able to move through places where she shouldn’t be. Piltover parties, Zaun bars, she always finds a way to be there and to help. Caitlyn doesn’t understand why wanting to be like her is such a bad thing to everyone. They keep giving her reasons, but they’re all nonsense. Her mother wants her sheltered because she’s afraid and Vi wants her to stop because she’s in pain. Caitlyn feels bad, but she doesn’t understand why their fear and their pain are still more important than what she wants. Especially when what she wants is to help people. Why is that such a bad thing? No-one will tell her. Not in any way that makes sense. 

“I’m sorry my mother punched you,” she says.

Sheriff Grayson shrugs. 

“It’s not the first time,” she says, “besides you are more than worth a little bruised flesh.”

Caitlyn smiles faintly. Sheriff Grayson has been unwavering in her support. She’s pushed her hard, but that’s right. She should. Piltover and Zaun deserve the best keeping them safe. Every mark she gets is better than the last. So there’s no chance of her washing out or her mother having an excuse to pull her. She’s earned her place on her own merit. Just like Sheriff Grayson did. All of her life she’s been working on saving her Soulmate, but Caitlyn knows she’s benefitted from it too. This though, this schooling is hers alone. The benefit to other will come later when she is out in the field helping people. She pushes herself up and holds her hand out to Sheriff Grayson. Sheriff Grayson takes it and pulls herself up. Caitlyn raises her hand in a salute and Sheriff Grayson returns it. 

“Change before you go,” Sheriff Grayson instructs, “you don’t want to add a cold to your obstacles tomorrow.”

Caitlyn nods and squares her shoulders, walking as straight as her sore back will allow to change and head home. Even though she should walk through the front door, the idea of facing her mother and hearing how horrible she is cripples her. Without overthinking it, Caitlyn goes around the back of the house and begins to climb up. It used to be harder, even with all the tricks Vi showed her. But now she has the muscles to make it easy. She supports herself and pushes her window open, slipping into her room. Her back muscles ache but the skin stings from the latest tattoo session. This one filled in the swirls. Caitlyn doesn’t need to see Vi to know they’re blue. Given the M and C that’s inked near the keys on her mid-back, it was easy to realize the swirls were for Powder. Of course the keys had her brother’s initials on them, even though they both knew the keys were duplicates of the Kiramman ones. In many ways it was the cruelest part of the tattoo. Vi inked her family on Caitlyn’s back and made certain she knew she was no longer a part of it. 

Another thing lost. 

Caitlyn feels the stretch in her stomach and she knows Vi is sobbing. Even before her fingers dig into the fresh ink and send more pain across the Bond. The cold water helped numb things but the sweater she has on has brought the feeling back. Caitlyn grips the window sill and tries to remember when she used to look forward to Vi climbing up it to visit. As if she can feel her thinking, Vi digs her fingers in harder. Caitlyn wonders if that is what their Bond is now. Is it just going to be causing each other pain? Vi has run out of room on her back. And Caitlyn is going to take her license soon. What kind of pain are they going to inflict on each other then? She thought maybe things would get better as they cooled down, but Vi has only gotten angrier at her. Lashed out more. Caitlyn never expected anything in return for keeping them alive. She did it gladly. But she did do it. And the fact that doesn’t matter at all to Vi makes the stinging worse. Vi sees the best in those she loves, to the point of near-blindness. But she sees none of that in Caitlyn. If Caitlyn had any doubt Vi didn’t share her feelings, it’s been erased. There are all kinds of love in the world, she just didn’t realize there was none between them on Vi’s side. 

Caitlyn moves from the window over to her bed. Her hand slips under the pillow and pulls out the old shirt that lives there. She holds the fabric between her fingers. Vi lent it to her their last time in Zaun. Even though Caitlyn has tried to get her own clothes for when they go down there, Vi is forever tossing shirts and vests at her. Saying her clothes look too nice and promising one day she’d make her some of her own. But there’s other things to do, other clothes to make. So she just used to toss a shirt or pants at Caitlyn and say she should wear those instead. Vi is broader, Caitlyn is taller. The clothes are always shorter but Vi just said that made them look authentic. When she had gone down to talk to her last, she had meant to bring the shirt but forgot it in her excitement. She thought Vi would be happy. That she understood what she meant when she said she wanted to help people like Sheriff Grayson. She wasn’t expecting the hurt and anger in Vi’s eyes. For her to explode like that. Like Caitlyn stopped being her Soulmate in that moment and became her enemy. 

Caitlyn fingers the careful pleating disguising a repair. Vi is a good seamstress, even though she says she’s not. A good cook even though she denies that too. And a good person, even though Caitlyn can feel her trying her hardest not to be.  It might be the thing that hurts most in all of this. The fact that what Caitlyn wants has made Vi betray herself. The most frequent nightmare Vi has isn’t her parents dying. She’s shoved that somewhere else—though Cailtyn imagines it will be up tonight. Her most frequent nightmare is when Vander collapsed screaming and clawing at his damaged eye. The pain Vi’s dads caused each other scared her. It scared Caitlyn too. They had promised each other they wouldn’t do it, they would hear each other out. But that hadn’t happened. There was no hearing each other out, just hurting each other. Caitlyn lifts the shirt to her nose. Vi’s scent has faded, but she can still pick it out in the fibers. 

It still makes her feel calm. 

It’s like her body hasn’t caught up to what her head knows. The feel of fingers on the tattoo eases slightly as Caitlyn’s body relaxes. All of the pain makes it almost easy to forget how close their Bond actually is. It’s always been unusually strong. It had taken years for Caitlyn to understand that not all Soulmates could feel like they felt. Not all Soulmates could help like she helped. It made her feel proud of the Bond. It was something to cling to at every lonely hospital visit as she watched Soulmate pairs go up to the floor she wasn’t allowed on. But it was alright, she was small and she always wedged herself to one side of the bed in case that was the day her Soulmate appeared. Vis fingers flatten against the sore spot on their shoulder but they don’t dig in again. 

Caitlyn spent years in bed wondering what Vi was doing, besides being starving and cold and hurt. Now she knows. She can picture it so clearly. Vi’s in her bed with her legs drawn up and her arms crossed over her chest. Knowing how upset she is, she isn’t letting anyone near her. Even though Caitlyn is fairly certain she felt a wave of something close to calm earlier. Even though she’s gotten bigger and broader, Vi is uniquely able to make herself disappear in her own arms. The same way she envelopes people in her hugs. Caitlyn feels her eyes sting with the realization that even if she were ever to get one of Vi’s hugs again, it wouldn’t feel the same. Not after what she’s done to their backs. The loss of all of it is hard to comprehend, but the idea that even if she gets it back it will not be the same makes a lump tighten in her throat. Vi is just responding to what she did. She’s the one who did this to them by wanting something. If she had worked up the nerve to say something about her feelings, it would have ended the same way. She has so much, who is she to want?

Caitlyn lays down with the shirt in her hands and rolls over so it would be like she was facing Vi. She can picture the anger so easily. The hurt is harder. Vi rarely shows she’s hurt. Caitlyn pushes both of the thoughts to the back of her head and pushes Vi down the bed so only her mop of hair shows. She’s felt nothing on her scalp throughout training. Vi’s hair is probably longer and unruly. She can picture her just shoving it into a bun and forgetting about it. But she never sleeps with it up. Caitlyn wraps one of her arms around her middle. The hand on her shoulder digs in again and Caitlyn tightens her arm. She’s not surprised when she feels Vis fingers dig into the spot where she has her hand. Vi doesn’t want her comfort. But Caitlyn didn’t want the tattoo. They may never speak again but the Bond will remain. Unless they want to do something she’s only heard whispers of. It’s been brought up by precisely one doctor. Just as something to consider. It was the first time she saw her mother look truly terrified. Terrified and furious. It took Sheriff Grayson and her dad to get her out of the room. It was never brought up again. Caitlyn keeps her hand there as Vi’s fingers dig and then soften on the spot. Then they flatten against it. They hold Caitlyn’s hand there as the hand still on her shoulder shifts up to flatten against her cheek. 

Tears sting at Caitlyn’s eyes. 

When Vi had apologized Caitlyn and flattened her hand against her cheek. It was hard to talk but she wanted to comfort Vi somehow. A warm pressure had come across to her own cheek and Vi had reached up and covered Caitlyn’s hand with her own. It was the first time they mirrored each other, the first time they were able to feel the same things and look into each other’s eyes. Caitlyn reaches up and covers her own cheek. That moment had been their first. The idea that this might be their last wrenches a sob from her lips. She holds the position as long as she dares before her arm shakes. Her entire life she’s thought that if she was strong enough she could keep them going. But she knows now that was impossibly foolish. She can’t. It has to be them. It has to be both. Her hand drops from her left cheek and wraps around her middle as she presses her face into the pillow to muffle her tears. Somewhere in Zaun she knows Vi is doing the same, but her hand remains on her cheek until Caitlyn has cried them both into sleep. 

She wakes with Vi’s shirt tight in her arms and a hole in her heart. 

Her fingers keep finding her left cheek. She can feel Vi touching it. Some part of her wonders if she’s trying to get her attention, but no signal ever comes. She loses her nerve every time she tries to call the Last Drop. The one time it connects Powder whispers that they’re fully booked even though they don’t take reservations and Caitlyn knows she’s not welcome. Powder saying she should try again in a few days doesn’t give her much hope, even as Caitlyn says she will. She tries to distract herself by working twice as hard and dragging Maddie into the supposedly locked broom closet. But all that gets her a stern lecture from Sheriff Grayson about professionalism before she says they will partners when their patrols start. 

Caitlyn is sound asleep when the stinging starts at the back of her neck. She rolls over with a huff, determined to go back to sleep. Tomorrow is the day she will take her license photo. She’s got enough to do to make it look like she hasn’t been crying. She’d like to look a little professional. So she pushes her face into the pillow and tries to ignore the feeling of needles on the nape of her neck. She’s unsuccessful but thankfully the session is on the shorter side. Caitlyn is close to willing herself back to sleep, dreading the feeling of her cravat on the tender skin. There’s a caress on her left cheek and Caitlyn takes a deep breath. Maybe there is hope for them after all if Vi is touching it so much. Maybe—

Fire burns across her cheek and Caitlyn sits up with a gasp. 

It hurts worse than any of the other tattoos and her entire spine and a good portion of her neck has been punched with the needles. Gasping around the pain, Caitlyn claps her hand over her cheek as the feel of wiping happens and the fire resumes. Behind her Maddie makes a soft sound but doesn’t get up. Caitlyn throws herself into the bathroom and stares in the mirror as the fire carves across her skin. Right where she touched Vi when she apologized for blowing them up. Where they first mirrored each other. The spot that held such a meaning to both of them. The pain is worse than the other tattoos but it’s the cruelty of it that takes her breath away. It’s a few lines but the message is clear when it’s finished. This spot is mine. Not ours, just mine. You don’t belong here anymore. 

Except it’s her face. 

“Caity?” Maddie’s sleepy voice comes as she enters the bathroom. Sleep vanishes from her eyes as they look at each other in the mirror, “my God,” Maddie breathes and hurries over, “she must know tomorrow is our license day,” she wrings out a cool cloth and puts it over the mark, “I’m so sorry Caity.”

“It’s fine,” Caitlyn says quickly. 

Maddie’s eyes shine with tears. Throughout all of this she is the only one who has cried on Caitlyn’s behalf. Who has showed she believes in her. That she understands this has been difficult. Maddie stumbles on the obstacle courses to buy Caitlyn a moment to get herself together when the needles start. She distracts when the pain gets too much. She doesn’t judge the things Caitlyn says, she just agrees and says Caitlyn makes her glad she never met her Soulmate. She doesn’t know how Caitlyn is so strong but they are lucky to have her on their side. Even now she looks at her with sympathy and her thumb gently caresses the skin. 

“We’ll have to cover it so your mom can’t see,” she says, “this is bad enough without her—“ she trails off, “sorry, I shouldn’t—"

“Saying I deserve it?” Caitlyn finishes. Maddie shrugs helplessly, “you’re right,” she says, “she’ll probably go pay for it,” Maddie shakes her head and chews her lip. Caitlyn sighs, “she probably already has.”

“I didn’t want to say it,” Maddie murmurs, “maybe it’s time you talk to her.”

“Vi doesn’t want to talk to me,” Caitlyn says, taking the cloth. They stand together by the sink as Caitlyn lowers it to see the name carved onto her face, “she’s still hurt.”

“Yes, but she carved her name onto your face. In that spot you always touch,” Maddie says, “doesn’t that warrant a conversation?”

Caitlyn hesitates. 

“Well what do I know,” Maddie says with a quick laugh, “I’m no Soulmate expert—“

“No, you’re right,” Caitlyn says quickly. Maddie has been nothing but supportive. And if everyone has been wrong about her being an Enforcer, perhaps she’s been wrong about giving Vi all of this space, “this is a step too far.”

“I can cover for you, if you want to talk to her first thing.”

“Thank you,” Caitlyn says gratefully. Maddie smiles, “I don’t know what I would do without you.”

“You’d be fine,” Maddie says firmly, “you’re the most capable person I know. I’m just glad to support you,” she takes her hand, “now let’s go put some ointment on that and get to bed. Unless you want to go now?”

Caitlyn smiles. 

“No, the morning will do,” she says, “we shouldn’t be running around Zaun at night.”

“True,” Maddie says, “but I’d go with you if you wanted.”

“I know you would,” Caitlyn says as they settle back against the pillows, “I can do this alone. In the morning.”

“If you’re certain, Caity."

Her eyes are closed but she almost hears disappointment in Maddie’s voice. Caitlyn brushes it aside and focuses on the feel of the ointment on her skin. It stings more than she is expecting, but the mark is so fresh it’s not a surprise. 

 It doesn’t matter. 

Tomorrow will hurt more, but Maddie is right. 

It’s time. 

Chapter Text

“My parents are getting our transport,” Caitlyn says. 

“Yeah we’ll see each other in a few days,” Vi says. 

The both look at each other across the floor. 

“You know Powder had this crazy idea if I kissed you, you’d wake up,” Vi says. Caitlyn looks at her with her bright teal eyes, “I didn’t,” Vi says quickly, “she read it in that book she always carries around.”

Caitlyn considers her in that quiet, sharp way of hers. Like how Powder considers her, except somehow Vi feels a thousand times more exposed. How someone with perfectly pressed clothes and perfectly silky hair can see her so easily is something Vi can’t wrap her head around. But Caitlyn does. She stands up and even though Vi’s taller, she feels like she’s shrinking with every step Caitlyn takes. 

“Why not?” Caitlyn asks. 

“I thought it’d be weird,” Vi says, “we never met,” Caitlyn moves forward another step and Vi feels her own bed on the back of her knees, “I kissed your forehead.”

“That doesn’t count,” Caitlyn says. 

Vi swallows, there’s nowhere else to go. Her heart is pounding in her ribcage as Caitlyn stops with their toes almost touching. Vi sits down on the bed as she looks at her. Vi is used to fighting from the lower position. Her body feels like it’s gearing up for a fight, though she can’t say against what. Caitlyn’s eyes dart from hers to her lips and then back again. 

“I’ve read about kisses like that,” Caitlyn says, “what if it happens again?”

“I’m not going to blow you up again,” Vi rasps. 

“No, what if I can’t wake up?” She looks at her, “we should kiss.”

“What?!”

“If you want,” Caitlyn says, her cheeks going pink, “just in case we need to wake each other up. It won’t be so awkward,” she glances down at their bandaged chests, “it might be less painful.”

Vi considers it and then nods. 

“Yeah, you’re right. We should,” she looks at Caitlyn, “have you—“ Caitlyn shakes her head. 

“You know I haven’t,” she says. Vi nods as Caitlyn looks at her. She does know that. Just like Caitlyn knows she hasn’t. 

“Okay,” Vi says and her voice hasn’t been so hoarse since the tubes came out. 

Caitlyn walks over to her with steady steps. Her shoes click on the ground as she crosses the distance between their beds. Vi has been the one making the pilgrimage, but she hasn’t been half as graceful as Caitlyn. Her knees are against the bed as she approaches and Vi feels hers buckle. She sits down hard but her hands reach for her Soulmate all the same. Caitlyn settles her hands on Vi’s shoulders. Her hands find Caitlyn’s waist. They stare at each other as Vi feels the color drain from both of their faces. They lean closer towards each other, anticipation thrumming through them.

There’s a knock at the door. 

“Caitlyn, it’s time to go."

Caitlyn jerks up and the quick movement makes both of their ribs ache. Dr. Kiramman looks at them. Caitlyn is already moving to follow her father with a quick wave. Vi waves back, not trusting her voice as she watches them leave. A moment later they’re replaced with Vander who offers her a smile. It drops as he looks at her face. 

“It’s okay, Kiddo, we’ll see her soon,” he says.

“Vi’s just arrived—Caitlyn!"

Caitlyn drops the hands of the person she’s dancing with to hurry towards the door. It’s hard to move through the crowds but she manages. By the time she gets near the entrance, Vi is already waiting for her. She’s dressed in a suit her mom got her. It’s a deep red and edged in gold. The lines on the suit match the edging of her blue dress. It’s fashionable for Soulmates to match pieces of their outfits. It’s the first time Caitlyn has been excited to dress up for one of these. Vi’s eyes move over her and a grin breaks out on her face. 

“We match,” she says, holding out her hands so Caitlyn can see the gold on her cuffs matches the edging of her sleeves. 

“We’re Soulmates,” she says. Vi’s grin grows, “I like your suit.”

“Thanks,” Vi says, “your tailor did a great job.”

“That’s high praise coming from you,” Caitlyn says. Vi blushes and scratches the back of her neck. Her hands have been there for the times Vi learned how to sew, “do you—“

“Do you wanna dance?” Vi asks. Caitlyn feels her own cheeks burn as she nods. Vi reaches for her hand. Caitlyn loops her arm around hers. Vi looks at her and shifts her arm so their arms are linked, “come on.”

She leads them through the crowds like she’s led them across rooftops. Caitlyn is used to being the one to lead, but she finds it strangely thrilling to let Vi take charge sometimes. She can see why all of her siblings follow her so easily. Vi has a knack for making her feel safe no matter if they’re weaving through crowds or jumping between rooftops. She brings them to the dance floor and they shuffle their hands between two different styles. 

“Sorry—“

“Let me—“

“Hold on,” Caitlyn says. They stop and listen to the song she doesn’t recognize. But Vi gives a little sway and Caitlyn can see she does, “you lead this one.”

“We don’t lead in Zaun,” Vi says, “we dance together.”

“Okay,” Caitlyn says, “show me.”

There’s a lot of swaying but Vi helps her pick up the rhythm. Dancing with your Soulmate is a listening exercise as much as it’s a physical one. Even when they’re apart Vi’s hands stay on her own hips to help show Caitlyn how to move. When the music changes to something she recognizes, Caitlyn shows Vi how they dance where she’s from. The movements start as stiffer, but Vi’s fluidity is contagious and seeps even into those dances. They switch back and forth most of the night until they’re shiny with sweat and stagger out for a breath of air. 

“Here,” Vi says and slips her jacket onto Caitlyn’s shoulders. 

The fabric is lined in gold and is pleasantly warm against her skin. But mostly what gets her is the smell of Vi that envelopes her. It makes her feel warm as they stand on the balcony and look out at the city spread beneath them. The smog is so faint now it’s hard to see from where they’re standing. But even if it was there, Caitlyn knows Zaun looks different now. 

“Where’s home?” She asks. 

“Which one?” Vi replies. 

“Either,” Caitlyn says, “both,” she shrugs, “whichever one you want to point to.”

Vi looks at her and then turns back to Zaun. Caitlyn watches her face as she looks down. Caitlyn feels her own heart jump and watches surprise break over Vi’s face. Her hand points straight ahead and Caitlyn follows her fingertip. 

“You see that spire?” Vi asks. Caitlyn nods, “that’s the Drop,” she says. 

She glances around and Caitlyn stares as she pulls herself onto the stone bannister. Her eyes scan the landscape and she turns to Caitlyn, sticking out her hand. Caitlyn looks up at her and then down at the distance below them. Vi wiggles her fingers and Caitlyn grabs her hand. She uses her other to keep the jacket on her shoulders as Vi pulls her up. It takes her a moment to get balance, but Vi keeps her close and acts like a pillar for her to hold onto. If she hadn’t been roof jumping so many times, Caitlyn would be even dizzier. But she knows that Vi won’t let her fall. Vi takes her hand and extend it forward, pointing to a place where the smog is still present. 

“That’s where I grew up,” she says. 

Caitlyn looks at Zaun and shakes her head. 

“I used to guess which building you might be in,” she says, “I wasn’t even close.”

Vi’s smile catches her off guard. 

“Same,” she says with a shrug. Caitlyn laughs at the shift in motion and grips Vi’s wrist, “sorry,” Vi says quickly, one hand going to her hip to steady her, “you’re so good at this I keep forgetting you’re new to it.”

“Please if you weren’t there I’d have broken my neck,” Caitlyn refutes, “you’re a good teacher.”

“So are you,” Vi replies, something almost defiant in her voice, “better than me.”

“Are you arguing with me whose better?” Caitlyn laughs and Vi’s entire body relaxes as she chews her lip and smiles, “we’re Soulmates. My victories are yours.”

“And yours are mine,” Vi says softly before she rolls her eyes. It teases another laugh from Caitlyn, “some of these lines are so cheesy.”

“They really are,” Caitlyn says as Vi’s thumb curves against her hip, “but it’s a nice thought. Sharing everything with your Soulmate.”

“Yeah,” Vi agrees. Caitlyn tilts her head as she goes silent but her heart jumps, “you remember when we were in the hospital? Right before we left? When we almost—”

“Kissed?” Caitlyn offers. 

She’s been thinking about it as well. It’s been on her mind even more as she’s gotten ready for this event. Her mother had been in charge of getting Vi dressed. She had taken her out to shop for the suit but Caitlyn hadn’t been allowed to come. One of them wanted it to be a surprise though they hadn’t said which. It was silly though, she had been able to feel the entire process as Vi felt different silks and ties and stood for her measurements. The only thing Caitlyn knew for certain was the gold edging. She knew it because during her own fitting, her mother had insisted on it. That and the blue were the only things she insisted on. But Caitlyn had only really cared about the gold edging. She knew that it would match Vi. 

“I had this idea that we should do it. Not because of one of us not waking up but because it’d be nice if our first kiss was us. Right?” She looks shockingly nervous, “if you want to—“

Caitlyn’s own heart jumps in response. They haven’t talked about their almost kiss. Not when they have been jumping over roofs or drinking tea on fancy couches. It’s been tucked in the back of her mind, but she had no idea if it was on Vi’s. She had many good reasons not to bring it up, but now they all just seem foolish. She nods in response an Vi’s face softens further. Even though she’s dressed incredibly, for a moment she looks like the girl laying across the room whispering her name was ‘just Vi’. 

“I had this idea that we should do it. Not because of us not waking up but because it’d be nice if it was us. Right?” She looks shockingly nervous, “if you want to—“

They’re already standing close together. He hands are already on VI’s shoulders. It’s nothing and everything to tilt her head and press their mouths together. Vi’s eyes widen in surprise as they stare at each other. Then Vi’s eyes drift shut as she presses back into the kiss. Her other hand comes around Caitlyn’s waist as they learn the feel of each other’s lips. There’s a press at the seam of her mouth but Caitlyn isn’t sure which of them does it. The butterflies in her stomach erupt at the soft taste of punch that echoes through them. She tries to step closer as Vi pulls her and the shift in balance forces them apart. They stare at each other as something hums through them both. Caitlyn can’t explain it but it feels like she’ll never want to kiss anyone else. 

“That was—“

“Nice,” Caitlyn finishes and Vi smiles in a way she feels in her bones, “what?”

“I’m gonna start interrupting you with kisses,” Vi threatens and Caitlyn feels a thrill go through her. The music changes and Vi glances back, “we should go before we fall.”

“Okay,” Caitlyn says. 

Vi nods but it takes another moment for her to move. Caitlyn wonders if her legs feel as shaky, but she’s steady as she helps her down. They stare at each there before the door bangs open. 

“There you are! Come on!” Powder cries, “it’s our song! We have to teach Caitlyn the dance!”

Chapter Text

“So, Sprout, how are things in Soulmate land?”

Caitlyn feels all the blood in her body rush towards her cheeks. She stumbles uncharacteristically but Jayce turns it into a smooth dip, one that gives her an upside down view of the room. Including the sight of her Soulmate twirling Powder. As if sensing the eyes on her, Vi tilts her head and smiles at her. Caitlyn feels it in her own cheeks as she dips in Jayce’s arms and cannot help but return it. Jayce keeps her in the dip for a moment before he pulls her back to her feet. He gives her a knowing smile and Caitlyn tries to remember if it is possible to die from blushing so hard. Surely not or Vi would be showing the same lightheadedness. This is just a her problem. 

“Fine,” she says. The look on Jayce’s face doesn’t change and she takes a deep breath to try and calm her pounding heart, “I’m sure my mother’s told you we’ve been spending time in Zaun.”

“I told her not to worry,” Jayce says, “you’re in good hands.”

Caitlyn bobs her head. 

Despite the chaos the explosion caused, Jayce has never held it against Vi or her siblings. Especially not after it lead both of their Soulmates. Now he, Powder and Ekko are all being sponsored by House Kiramman. He’s always had a good heart, the same way that Vi does. In a way they remind Caitlyn of each other with their good hearts and bright grins and impossible feats of strength. But Jayce is like her brother and Vi is something else. Something that makes it feel like she’s swallowed one of the live fish Jericho keeps in that tank. She feels it swim frantically every time Vi smiles at her. She tried to ask if Vi felt it too but Vi had looked at her blankly and said that sounded like hunger. Sometimes Caitlyn thinks she might be more attuned to Vi’s hunger than Vi is. She’s the one who has been dealing with it for all of the years before they met. The heat eases from her face as she remembers that Vi doesn’t know what she’s talking about. She’s still blushing and Vi has stopped doing it quite so much. Caitlyn has to push the fluttering feeling aside as best she can. Just because Vi wanted them to be each other’s first kiss doesn’t mean she feels the same. She takes a deep breath and looks up at Jayce whose eyes scan her face. His features soften and he turns her in a quick spin. Caitlyn makes a noise in surprise as he pulls her back close. 

“Thanks for giving me the dance, Sprout,” he says, but instead of ruffling her hair he smoothes it. A moment later Vi is next to them, “you want to cut in?”

Vi looks at him blankly. 

They have both spent years learning about each other’s homes, but every so often there will be something distinctly Piltover or Zaun that will remind them they are from different places. Usually it’s a phrase. Often they laugh it off or hurry to explain. Caitlyn feels oddly dizzy though. The fish is back and particularly violent in her stomach. She knows she’s red while Vi is calm. Vi touching her is going to make it worse. She knows that. Thankfully Mel floats into her field of vision and winks at her. 

“I’m cutting in,” she says, “stealing my Soulmate for a dance,” she smiles at Vi, “following Vi’s example.”

“Oh, right,” Vi says quickly, hurrying forward. She grabs one of Caitlyn’s hands and put hers her other on Caitlyn’s waist and her stomach rolls. Vi frowns and puts the back of her hand on her forehead, “do you feel okay?”

Caitlyn shakes her head. Vi grips her wrist and tugs her off the dance floor and over to the refreshments. A moment later Vi’s jacket is around her shoulders and a cup of punch is pressed into her hands. Vi watches her anxiously as Caitlyn takes a gentle sip. There’s always citrus in the punch, it’s never just sweet, but Vi has managed to fish a few of the fruit slices into the cup. It tingles on her tongue and she sees Vi’s jaw work as her own taste buds are stimulated. Caitlyn can feel it tracing down to her gut and it helps more than she is expecting. It shows on her face because Vi relaxes and leans against the wall with her. 

“Feel better?” Caitlyn nods, “probably my fault,” Vi admits, rubbing the back of her neck, “Powder was so excited about the sponsorship, she wanted me to sew your crest onto her skirt.”

Caitlyn picks up Vi’s hand and turns it over. As the years have gone on she’s gotten fewer needle sticks when she sews. She’s well practiced by now. But Caitlyn can usually tell when she’s gripping the needle too tight. She sees faint lines around the tops of Vi’s fingers and realizes she taped them so she wouldn’t risk poking her. Her dress this year is lighter, even though she tried to get her mother to agree to the same navy as last year. Her mother wouldn’t hear of it. Not for the Inventor’s Ball. Vi is also in a new suit this one in a softer shade of red. It makes her hair look even more pink in contrast. 

“You did a great job,” Caitlyn says.

“I just wanted to help where I could,” Vi says, turning pink. 

“You did,” Caitlyn says quickly, grabbing her hand. Vi meets her gaze, “look how happy she is,” she says. Vi’s eyes dart over to her but then dart back. 

“That’s because of you,” she says, “you really helped her,” she clears her throat, “I know it was her this time but it helped me too—“ she winces, “you’re really good at helping us.”

The thought makes a different kind of feeling tingle through Caitlyn. She knew she was saving her Soulmate for her entire life. She knew Vi had a sibling she took care of. But it wasn’t until she met Vi that she saw how much helping Vi helped the people she loved. How the energy she shared with Vi meant Vi could give Powder more food or Mylo an extra blanket. All of Vi’s siblings have told her how Vi takes care of them and how Vi has always shared the credit with her. It makes her feel warm to know that despite how awful things were in Zaun, there were people there who trusted her. Like Vander trusted Ari. It’s just helping one person, just making a small difference. But it ripples out. After all, the ocean is made up of small drops of water. If there are enough of those drops, enough of those people who can help, maybe there can be a tide towards something better. Then no kids would have to know what tear gas felt like because there would be enough to go around. Their cities could work together like she and Vi do. 

“I like helping you,” she says, “I want to help people.”

“You do,” Vi says.

“I want to help more people,” Caitlyn admits, feeling oddly shy. Like she’s confessing something she shouldn’t. But Vi looks at her with so much trust it makes it easier, “one day we could help them together. So things are better for everyone,” Vi’s eyes dart over to her family and Caitlyn grabs her hand, “one day, when you have more time.”

Vi’s face softens and she laces their fingers together. 

“You’re great at helping people,” Vi says, “anyone you help is lucky to have you.”

Caitlyn feels herself go pink at the compliment as Vi blushes too. She fingers the edge of the jacket as Vi scratches the back of her neck. 

“Thank you,” she says softly. 

“Are you feeling better?” Vi asks. Caitlyn nods. She’s taken by surprise when Vi grabs her hand, “then let’s go dance.”

Something in her chest eases as she squeezes their fingers together.

And follows Vi onto the dance floor. 

“Vi?”

Vi burrows deeper into the blankets. Her new suit is hanging on the door, but she can’t bear to look at it. She doesn’t want to look at it. She knows she’s expected to go, but the idea of stepping foot in that ball makes her want to puke. Everyone else has gone ahead, she said she was going to meet them there. But she doubled back instead and threw herself under the blankets. It’s a cowardly thing to do, but that’s the story of her life these days. She knew it was the right thing to do to go to the graduation. She’s glad they made up, glad she got her Soulmate back. But Caitlyn might be wearing that formal uniform and Vi doesn’t know how she can love and ache for someone in the same way. At the same breath. Of all the voices she thought might follow her back her, she’s surprise it’s Vander. Then immediately she’s not and wonders if the ink has infected her brain somehow. 

“I’m not feeling great,” she says, “gonna sit this one out.”

“Can I come in?” Vander asks. 

Vi tightens her grip on the blankets and curls into a more stubborn ball. But she can hear the worry in Vander’s voice. She makes a muffled noise that could be a yes but she hopes he thinks is a no. He doesn’t though. The door creaks open behind her. Vi hates the way her fingers tighten in the blanket. She knows he was just worried about her. That he saved her from something so much worse when he dragged her and Caitlyn down into the bar. She knows that if he forces her to go to the ball now, it will probably be good in the long run. But she can’t fathom being there right now. It makes her neck itch to think about. The bed dips as Vander sits down on the side. She can feel him shift his weight and she can see him leaning forward, trying to choose his words carefully. Like he did back when they were first off the bridge. It makes her turn her face into the pillow. She hates how she thought she left the bridge behind. But it’s followed her all this time. 

“If I say you don’t have to go, would you believe me?” He asks. Vi cannot make herself relax, “right,” he sighs. 

“Everyone’s gonna be there,” Vi mumbles. Still in her blanket ball she glances over her shoulder, “they’re gonna see it.”

Vander’s face falls. He rubs at his false eye. She feels incredibly foolish. She has some ink that shows over the collar. His entire face is marred. It tells everyone what he did to his Soulmate and what his Soulmate did to him. It’s been slowly seeping into her head that she now bears the mark of doing something to her Soulmate. It’s not missing an eye, but it feels like the same blaring warning. Caitlyn’s eyes go sad every time she sees it. Especially when she sees where it ends. The tattoo was supposed to be theirs. But Vi cut her out of it. Cut her out and picked the worst possible time to get it. She knows it. Everyone knows it. One day she’ll learn to own it like Vander, but right now she cannot stomach the idea of everyone seeing it. Of making Caitlyn look sad when she’s on display again. 

“What’s wrong?” Silco’s voice comes from the door. Vander glances at him and then back at Vi. He covers his neck, “ah.”

Vi can curl up into a ball for Vander, but not for Silco. She knows he helped, but she cannot forget the hurt. The same way Vander has spent years telling him to fuck off, especially after his goons carved up her face. Vulnerability around him feels like she’s opening herself up to more scars. She doesn’t care about them, but she cannot imagine putting another mark on Caitlyn’s skin. The two of them look at her with their matching scars. Vi raises her chin defiantly under Silco’s gaze. She doesn’t like the idea that he understands her. That they have anything in common. But the marks are all unescapable evidence of something that stretches between them. She watches as Silco lifts the collar of his coat and pulls off the knotted fabric he wears in place of the slim ties that they wear in Piltover. He holds it out towards her. Vi stares at the fabric. The fabric and the hollow of Silco’s throat which Vi hasn’t seen since she was a kid.  

“In case you feel better,” he says. 

“Do you want to try it on and see if it works?” Vander asks. 

Vi shakes her head and both of their faces fall. After a moment, the feeling of her middle being squeezed echoes across the bond. Caitlyn can feel her distress. Vi cringes. She hates that there’s anything she doesn’t want Caitlyn to know. That’s not how this is supposed to go. She looks up at the two of them. 

“Not while you two are in here,” she says. 

Vander looks at her and then nods, a faint smile on his lips. He gets up and walks out with Silco. Vi looks at the suit and reaches out, undoing the fastenings and pulling it on. It fits perfectly like all of her Kiramman suits, but the face that looks back at her feels strange. Her eyes keep dragging to the tattoo. It seemed so right at the time. Now it just feels like she’s destroyed something with every press of the needle. She picks up her concealer and dabs at it, hiding the mark away. But when she looks in the mirror, it doesn’t feel any different. Her unblemished face is still the face of someone who lashed out and hurt their Soulmate. Caitlyn hurt them but Vi marked them. She made the hurt permanent. Shame curls through her and she almost takes the outfit off when Vander knocks on the door. 

“Vi?”

“I’m dressed,” Vi says. Vander opens the door and smiles at her, but all Vi can do is look at the scars. The smile slips, “I was an idiot,” Vi mumbles finally. 

Vander sighs softly and walks forward. She keeps her eyes on the ground even as she feels him loop the scarf around her neck. She’s never seen him wear anything close to this, but he folds her collar and tuck the scarf with practiced movements. Like it’s something he does every single day. 

“You made a mistake,” he says, “you both did. You both hurt each other,” Vi swallows against the lump in her throat, “but you could only do that because you love each other.” Vi glances up as Vander guides the scarf into a knot. “That’s the only place this kind of hurt comes from."

Vi can hear the unspoken instruction but she doesn’t know how she’s supposed to do it. She’s never been good at loving and being angry at someone at the same time. It’s not how she’s wired. She hates being upset at people she loves. She does love Caitlyn. She knows that. She’s known it since before they met. But there’s all kinds of love in the world. She knows she and Caitlyn love each other, but she thinks it might be different kinds of love. Another time they are not on the same page. She wants them to be. More than anything. She wants them to go back and actually talk about what happened. But every time she looks in the mirror she remembers time only goes one way. They can talk now, but they cannot undo what they’ve done. Her throat works against the knot Vander ties. She glances in the mirror. It’s almost impossible to see her tattoo with the scarf, but she can just see the edges. 

“It doesn’t work,” she mumbles. 

Vander nods but there’s no anger or disappointment in his eyes. Instead he guides her down to the bar and seats her in a different seat, putting something in front of her. Vi takes a sip and of the sweet thing and lowers her head. There’s a mechanical click of a record being slotted in. Music begins to fill the bar and Silco walks back over, sitting further down the bar from her. Vi doesn’t know if he’s here because of her or because something has shifted with Vander again, but it’s not the worst thing to sit there with both of them. There’s another faint squeeze around her middle and she nudges her glass towards Vander. 

“Can you make me something sour?” She asks. 

He gives her a knowing look and nods. Soon they all have a glass of the fizzy lemon drink Caitlyn likes. Vander holds up his glass between them. 

“To second steps,” he says, “which are always the hardest.”

“Here here,” Silco says. 

Vi nods and clinks their glasses together. 

It feels like a start. 

“Enjoying yourself?”

Caitlyn nods and smiles gently at Maddie. It took some convincing to get her to drop the prospect of wearing the formal uniform, but eventually she agreed. She’s wearing a sleek cut suit that is the same blue-grey as her eyes. She’s smiling as she carefully moves them around the dance floor. Caitlyn’s wearing her new dress this year, this one a dark purple shade that feels like another test. One she is determined to face with her head held high. She’s faced every other one. Deep down she knows it’s not so simple. When her mother had offered to take her dress shopping she had fled the conversation by saying she had work. She had work and she did not care. The dress is one solid color, even if it is a dark purple. Caitlyn is grateful for that at least. She’s not sure her heart could take matching Vi right now. No matter how much Vi insists they are on good terms. Vi doe not do things in half measures. There is no slow forgiveness and Caitlyn finds herself terrified to voice anything but a yes around her. Anything but a yes except when it comes to Maddie. 

“It’s nice to see you out of the uniform,” she says. 

“Formal or training?” Maddie teases. 

“Both,” Caitlyn says. 

“Well you’ve seen that already,” Maddie jokes, “you clean up nicely yourself.”

Caitlyn dips her head in acknowledgement. It’s nice to be seen as just herself. Even with the uniform, so many of the others treat her like she’s someone not to be trusted. Whether it’s because she’s a Kiramman or Sheriff Grayson’s her mother’s Soulmate or some combination of it all. In this room there’s more than one pair of eyes that used to look at her like she was the person who saved them. Now there’s a wariness to them that might be more gutting than Vi’s anger. But Maddie just looks at her with kindness and friendship. She looks at her like she’s someone who deserves support, not someone who needs to be constantly tested. Caitlyn chastises herself, the thought isn’t a fair one. Her mother is trying to prepare her for a responsibility no-one can understand. She needs to be able to make decisions and face their consequences. She’s proven she can do that. Caitlyn glances over at her mother who is watching them intently over the rim of her wine glass. Her hand flattens on Maddie’s back as she takes over leading them in the dance. She can make decisions and face consequences. She accepted Maddie’s support and dragged her into this spotlight, she will damn well stand with her in it. 

“I like it when you take charge,” Maddie says. 

Caitlyn can feel the edges of her smile turn brittle at the feeling of so many eyes on them. She wants to scream at them to not stare. This is her decision, her consequence, Maddie shouldn’t be involved. All Maddie did was support her. 

“Do you want to get some ai—“

There’s a loud crash and Caitlyn’s knuckles ache with the impact. She knows what she’s going to see even before she turns as the next punch sends a wave of impact up her forearm. It’s still jarring to see Vi dragging someone up by their collar and landing another punch on their stunned face. Her own is twisted in anger, her teeth clenched as she clocks her fist back again. Without thinking Caitlyn runs forward and grabs her arm. Vi’s head whips towards her as they stare at each other. There’s bright red dripping down Vi’s knuckles from the nose she’s broken. Caitlyn swallows tightly and feels her heart pound in time with Vi’s. Vi tightens her grip in the person’s jacket and hefts them up. Then she opens her hand and drops them. It’s barely a few inches but it’s enough to make them stumble as they hurry away. Caitlyn keeps her grip on Vi’s arm as she drops it. The dress is dark but Caitlyn can feel the blood on her hip when Vi’s hand brushes against it. 

“Are you alright?” Caitlyn asks. 

“I’m fine,” Vi clips out. 

“Who was that?” Vi looks blankly at her and Caitlyn feels a churning concern in her stomach. "The person you were pummeling?” She questions incredulously. 

“No idea,” Vi says, “excuse me.”

She jerks her arm free and wipes her hand on her leg as she hurries away. Caitlyn stares at the commotion and tries to wrap her head around the violence she just witnessed. Vi has gotten into her share of tussles, but they are never just because someone is standing around. She does not attack people for the hell of it. Caitlyn can feel even more eyes on her but she is already gathering up her skirt to go after Vi. Only a hand on her arm stops her from fully running after her. She turns to see Maddie giving her a concerned look. Caitlyn looks the way Vi came and then back to Maddie. 

“Are you alright, Caity?” She asks. 

“I’m fine,” Caitlyn says, ignoring the churning in her gut, “excuse me, I need to speak to my Soulmate.”

She slips her arm free and hurries after Vi. She half expects her to be gone but she finds her standing at the balcony. The hairs on the back of Caitlyn’s neck stand up. It feels strange and wrong somehow to be here. Strange that Vi would come here after this monumental fight. She knows Vi deals in extremes, but there are other places where she could get some air. Yet she came to the place where they had their first kiss. 

“What was that?” 

“Nothing,” Vi says. 

“Vi—“

“He was shooting his mouth off,” Vi says. Caitlyn can feel the stone digging into her hands. She almost jumps when she smacks them onto the rail and turns around, “he was shooting his mouth off about your family.”

Caitlyn frowns at the remark. Everyone has done that at some point in this room. Vi’s own family included. Vi more than any other. It makes no sense that this would set her off like that. Vi is not a violent person. Not in the way people expect her to be. It’s always been a survival thing for her. It’s been so long since Caitlyn felt her knuckles bruise because the need to fight like Vi used to simply isn’t there anymore. There’s less desperation. Now she only fights when the people she loves are in trouble. Fighting over insults has never been the point of anything. Vi rubs her fingers over her knuckles and turns back to the balcony. 

“What did he say?” Caitlyn asks, feeling the hairs on the back of her neck prickle up. 

“Nothing worth repeating,” VI says, “but he won’t do it again."

“Vi—“ Caitlyn starts but Vi is climbing up onto the railing, “Vi!”

“Night,” Vi says and drops down.

Caitlyn can only watch her go. 

“Dance with me.”

Vi looks over at Cassandra Kiramman. It only sounds like a request. No-one has let her be alone tonight and Vi can’t exactly fault them. No matter how annoying she finds it. Turns out when you punch the son of a Council member, there are consequences. Or there would be consequences if your Soulmate’s mom wasn’t Cassandra Kiramman. Vi got off lucky, she knows that. But no-one is willing to let her be alone and risk another incident. Least of all Cassandra Kiramman. Vi offers her arm and leads her out onto the dance floor. She takes over seamlessly. Counselor Kiramman has been leading waltzes since before Vi was bunch of molecules. Vi can feel everyone’s eyes on them in a suspicious kind of way. She almost wants to wilt but Counselor Kiramman meets each of them and dares them to continue staring. All except one family who should be here but isn’t. 

“Did I scare them off?” Vi asks. 

Counselor Kiramman scoffs. 

“They know better than to show their faces here after insulting my daughter,” she says. 

Vi feels her face get hot. Counselor Kiramman gives her a knowing, satisfied look. It hasn’t been discussed. Vi would have rather taken the punishment that admit she had gone blind with rage when that asshole said those things about Caitlyn. Saying that meant she would have to repeat them to Caitlyn. And that was something she wasn’t going to do. She hates that the walls even heard them. She wasn’t going to say them to Caitlyn and feel the way her heart picked up a bit and her cheek got caught in her teeth. She would rather take the confused, hurt look Caitlyn gave her because she knew Vi wasn’t making sense. The gut churning feeling is back. A Soulmate is a relationship you have for life, but there’s all kinds of Soulmate relationships. But regardless of what happens between them, the idea of just sitting there while Caitlyn is insulted isn’t one that registers. Vander was right. The kind of hurt they’ve done to each other can only come out of love. 

“Counselor Kiramman, can I ask you something?” Her look softens but she nods, “did it take time for you and Sheriff Grayson to—figure things out?”

From the way her face changes, Vi gets the sense that this is not the first time she’s heard the question. For some reason the thought of Caitlyn asking it makes her feel a bit queasy. It’s not a fair thought, but if the past few years have shown her anything it’s that her heart doesn’t seem interested in ‘fair’ when it comes to Caitlyn. Counselor Kiramman keeps them perfectly on beat but Vi can see her choosing her words with care. She always does, but it’s been a long time since she had to use so much care with her. Vi refuses to give into the embarrassment and waits patiently. It’s barely any time at all but it feels like she waits forever before Counselor Kiramman speaks. 

“No,” she says, “we committed to working together no matter what happened between us.”

“How?” Vi asks. 

Counselor Kiramman offers her Caitlyn’s smile. 

“By talking,” she says. Vi nods, “by finishing a conversation,” she adds, “though I don’t think either of us was capable of scaling the front of this building even at your age.”

Vi winces in embarrassment. 

“I didn’t want to repeat it,” she says. She looks down at their toes and then back at Counselor Kiramman, “does she know?”

“I certainly did not tell her,” Counselor Kiramman says. Vi nods, “but you know how smart Caitlyn is.”

Vi nods again, looking over towards her. She’s been trying not to look all night but the moment she does, their eyes lock. Her dress is navy again. She’s in burgundy. Her cuffs and laces are edged in a double gold line. The same line cuts down the front and back of Caitlyn’s dress. Matching your Soulmate has gone out of fashion. Now it’s about mirroring them. The same patterns in a different way. As with most trends it’s been set by Mel and Jayce. But Vi half wishes that the matching was back in style. Caitlyn’s fingers brush the line on her stomach before they fall back to her side. Pink uses on her cheeks and she turns back to the person she’s speaking to. Her hair is pulled back from her face this year and held with a simple gold ring. It exposes the arch of her neck and Vi can feel the air on it even through the high neck of her shirt. She looks at the person she’s speaking to, but Vi can see her eyes dart towards her again.

“Get us some drinks?” Counselor Kiramman inquires.

Vi nods, making her way over to the refreshment table. It’s the closest she’s been to Caitlyn all night. It feels like a magnet is pulling her. Like she’s caught in one of Powder’s latest robots, the one that’s been designed to pull other robots to it. By the time she gets there, Caitlyn has ended the conversation and is turned towards her. Vi feels her mouth go dry as she stands in front of her, noticing for the first time that Caitlyn has two drinks in her hands. 

“Your mom wanted a drink,” she blurts out and Caitlyn tilts her head. Vi glances over to see Counselor Kiramman accepting a drink from her husband and giving her a knowing look, “you’re not dancing?”

“I’m tired,” Caitlyn says. Vi nods. Caitlyn holds out one of the drinks and her hand closes around it. Their fingers brush and it’s a miracle they keep their grip on the cup, “do you want to sit?”

Vi glances around. 

“We could get some air? Talk?” Caitlyn chews on her bottom lip and Vi holds out her arm, “I promise to stay on this side of the balcony.”

Caitlyn hesitates for a moment and then takes her arm. There’s something shy in her movement. Vi brings her arm closer to her side as they make their way onto the familiar balcony. Despite whatever misgivings she has, Caitlyn follows her to the railing. They stand there together. There’s no breeze tonight, it’s like the world is holding its breath. Vi doesn’t like thinking about that, it reminds her of those first few runs. The ones where you don’t know if you’re going to land safely on your own merit. Instead she focuses on Caitlyn standing next to her. She focuses on the fact that they’re still trying, after everything that’s happened. 

“I hated hearing him insult you,” she says. Caitlyn lowers her head and of course she’s figured it out, “I hate it when anyone insults you.”

Caitlyn’s heard all the insults people have said because of her. The usual Piltie stuff that Vi tries to ignore. But she ignores it for Caitlyn’s sake. So Caitlyn doesn’t have to argue back like she’s been doing since she was a kid. Vi’s not the only one whose busted a knuckle over an insult towards their Soulmate. But that was a long time ago. This is the first time either of them have done it since they began this new chapter in their relationship. It’s only recently occurred to Vi that the reason for that is Caitlyn. Caitlyn and how much she’s gone out of her way to cover for Vi. Vi knows they’re on the same team. She just needs Caitlyn to know it too. 

“It’s nothing I haven’t heard before,” Caitlyn says. 

“That doesn’t make it right,” Vi counters. Caitlyn looks down, “it doesn’t—“

“You’re really quite confusing sometimes,” Caitlyn cuts in. Vi frowns, “why wouldn’t you just tell me that instead of scaling the building?”

Vi feels her face get hot. 

“You used to like it when I scaled the building,” she says. Caitlyn presses her lips together. Things are better between them, but Vi can’t remember the last time she was at the Kiramman house or Caitlyn swung by the Last Drop, “I guess things have changed.”

“We’re not kids anymore,” Caitlyn points out. 

Vi knows that but she wasn’t prepared to feel so old at this age. Old and heavy, like she’s becoming Vander years before her time. Until Caitlyn’s fingers shyly slip through hers. Some of the weight feels eased in only the way a touch from your Soulmate can. It’s one thing they haven’t lost. One thing that hasn’t changed. Caitlyn takes a drink and Vi feels the sugar on her tongue. It leaves a stain of red in the corner of Caitlyn’s mouth. Everything in Vi aches to wipe it away but Caitlyn beats her to it. The sweet taste lingers on Vi’s tongue though. Something calms in her as she realizes the comfort being offered. The same one she reached for when she wanted to comfort Caitlyn. 

Two things haven’t changed. 

“What did you want to talk about?” Caitlyn asks. 

Vi shakes her head. 

“In a minute,” she says, “let’s just—“ she trails off. 

Caitlyn seems to know what she’s saying and nods, moving a little closer. Not to stop her, but just to be a bit closer. She gently settles her head on Vi’s shoulder as they look out at the cities that spread out below them. They’re older, things have changed. They’ll continue to change. 

But they’re together. 

And as long as they have that, Vi is sure they can weather the storm. 

Chapter Text

It’s been years since she slept over at the Kiramman house.

Vi's always been welcome. Counselor Kiramman has her over for tea and there’s Powder’s patronage to discuss, there’s even been times when she’s come by to visit Caitlyn—but it’s been a long time since she’s spent the night. It’s a far cry from when she was younger and forever sneaking into Caitlyn’s room. While she’s always been welcome in the house, she can’t say the same for Caitlyn’s room. First because of their fight, then because Caitlyn wasn’t there—then because she wasn’t in that room alone. It felt weird to be in the house when Caitlyn was there with her girlfriend. No matter how annoyed Counselor Kiramman seemed or how there always seemed to be a weird awkwardness between them. They were together. Vi wanted to respect that. Especially when she had done such a piss poor job at respecting Caitlyn’s choices so far. The tattoo that stretches across her back is an ever present reminder of that. Her dad warned her. Or he tried to. Now she picks at the cuff of her long sleeve shirt and tries to feel anything but embarrassed. At least even when she was awful enough to get the face tattoo she didn’t do her forearms. It’s a paltry consolation, but it’s something. 

Maybe. 

Vi sighs and tuns on the pillow. The invite was to sleep over, to try and see about maybe some proximity. No to mention Powder had a big test in the morning and she wanted Vi there. Of course Caitlyn agreed. Vi has no idea what she was expecting. Or why it felt weirdly disappointing to be led to the guest room that sat next to Powders. She still doesn’t know why or how Caitlyn and Maddie broke up, but she knows that even if Caitlyn is single she doesn’t want Vi in her bedroom. Which seems fair, but it’s also hard to swallow. The guest room is nice. The sheets are the same kind of cotton, the pillowcases are the same kind of silk as Caitlyn’s bed. But it smells wrong. The bed is cold. Vi rubs her face and tries to will herself into sleep. Taking it slow is the smart thing to do. The right thing to do. She’s just never been any good at it. Caitlyn has always been the one who gave them the safety net. Because Caitlyn was good at that. She was good at making people feel safe and heard. 

It’s strange to think Caitlyn is only a few rooms away. She closes her eyes and focuses on the sensations of Caitlyn rubbing cream into her hands and moving about her nightly routine. A routine that Vi has long since memorized. Proximity always makes it stronger. Everything stronger. She feels the knot of Caitlyn’s robe as she sits on her bed. For the first time though, Vi feels her undo it. Vi slams her eyes shut and closes them, curling her fingers in the sheets. She’s been blocking out these sensations for years. Just because she and Caitlyn are single, just because she can acknowledge she has deep and confusing feelings for her, that doesn’t mean anything. Confusing is the operative word. She loves Caitlyn, she can admit that, but after all the shit they’ve been through, all the shit they’ve done to each other—how much is too much? Vi swipes her thumb over her cheek. 

How the fuck could she risk loosing Caitlyn again?

Vi feels a brush of Caitlyn’s fingers over their cheek, like she’s batting her hand away and Vi drops it. She sees Caitlyn looking at her tattoo every so often. The sad look that comes in her eyes as she remembers that time in their lives. Vi still hasn’t figured out how to explain it’s taken on a different meaning to her. She feels Caitlyn lay down and turn her cheek into the pillow. A silent request for Vi to leave that bit of skin alone, like she does when she puts a bandaid over it. Something in Vi snaps, even though she can feel Caitlyn laying down. Even though they’ve said goodnight. Before she can overthink anything she’s hurrying down the hallway back to Caitlyn’s room. The door opens before she even gets there. Caitlyn’s felt the hallway carpet under her bare feet. She looks surprised to see her standing there. 

“Vi?”

“I keep it because I never want to lose you again,” Vi says. Caitlyn’s eyes go wide. She hides her expressions so easily these days, the naked emotion is surprising, “I know we’re good now--“ she hesitates, “I need the reminder.”

“You’re still hurt,” Caitlyn says. 

Vi thinks to lie but she just can’t. She doesn’t want to.

“Yeah, some part of me,” she says, “but it’s not the part I want to listen to,” she grabs Caitlyn’s hand, “that was before we met,” Caitlyn nods but she doesn’t squeeze her hand back, “you’re the reason I’m here to be angry.”

“Vi—“

“No, you are. I wish I could just get over it,” Caitlyn frowns, “but it doesn’t matter. Not as much as you do. So every time I’m angry and I look in the mirror, I see how close I came to losing you. The idea of going through that again—it scares the shit out of me.”

“You’re not going to lose me,” Caitlyn says. But Vi shakes her head. 

“I still don’t have you back.”

The words hang there as Caitlyn tries to pull her fingers away but Vi grips them. She can’t tell whose heartbeat is racing as they look at each other. 

“We’re working on it,” Caitlyn replies, a tight edge in her voice, “we’ll get there eventually.”

She needs time. Vi knows she needs time and it fucking makes her want to pull her hair out. The words hover behind Vi’s teeth. The truth that she doesn’t want them to go back. She wants them to go forward. She needs them to go forward. Almost more than she needs the next pull of air in her lungs. But she can see the tight, scared look on Caitlyn’s face. Even though they’ve made up, there’s still a hesitation in her movements sometimes. Like she’s afraid to say things she wouldn’t have been before. That’s her fault. Vi knows it in her bones. Caitlyn trusts her more than she did before Caitlyn became an Enforcer, but she’s broken some trust in a place Caitlyn keeps tucked away. Somewhere she used to let her into easily. They stare at each other. 

“We will,” Vi agrees, finally forcing herself to drop her hand. 

“I’m sorry,” Caitlyn starts and Vi shakes her head. 

“Don’t,” she says, “I just wanted you to know why I kept it. When you feel me touching it, I’m not trying to upset you. I’m reminding myself,” Caitlyn nods, “I know I’ve been touching it a lot.”

“I wasn’t going to—“

“I miss you. I miss us,” Vi says. Caitlyn folds her hands, “I wish you’d come by the Drop.”

“That doesn’t feel appropriate,” Caitlyn says. 

“How come?” Frustration comes across Caitlyn’s face, “Cait you being in uniform doesn’t matter—“

“It matters to me,” Caitlyn cuts in. 

Vi sees the angry frustration in her eyes and tries not to shy away from it. She deserves so much worse. It’s actually harder to lower her hand to the back of her neck instead of scraping it across her cheek like she usually would. She sees Caitlyn bite the inside of her cheek lightly before she feels it in her own mouth. They still share all the sensations, that has never changed. But Vi thinks of her Dad and Silco or Counselor Kiramman and Sheriff Grayson and wonders if they’re on borrowed time. 

“That’s not what I meant,” she says. 

“I think we should say goodnight,” Caitlyn says, reaching for the door. Vi’s hand streaks out before she can close it and that annoyance is back on her face, “Vio—“

“Don’t,” Vi cuts in before she can do the full name, “we’re Soulmates.”

“I know,” Caitlyn says. 

“Don’t shut me out,” Vi says. Caitlyn huffs as they both push against the door. It’s harder than Vi would have thought, with all the new muscle Caitlyn’s acquired, “come on Cait, don’t—“

“Why do you get to decide?!” Caitlyn erupts finally and releases the door. 

Vi nearly breaks her nose on her floor as Caitlyn turns furiously away. Vi feels her throat tighten as Caitlyn walks over to her window. It’s the first time she’s been in Caitlyn’s room in—she doesn’t even remember how long it’s been. There’s more trophies, new plants, but none of that matters as she focuses on Caitlyn by the window. The window Vi used to love sneaking through. The only thing she loved more was dangling outside of it while Caitlyn stared at her like she’d hung the stars. Just for hanging from the wall like it was second nature to her. How long had it been since Caitlyn looked at her with no nerves? Caitlyn has her back to her and Vi can feel the window sill under Caitlyn’s hands as she grips it. Like she grips it when she’s with someone whose annoying her. Vi glances back at the door and stops herself from going out of it. She looks back at Caitlyn instead. 

“Cait—“

“You keep making decisions for both of us,” Caitlyn continues, her voice tighter than Vi has ever heard it. She feels the wood dig into her hands and then Cait turns around. Her eyes gut Vi, “the uniform matters to me. I earned it.”

“Yeah, I know,” Vi says. Caitlyn’s eyes snap towards her fingers, “I know you earned it,” Caitlyn just looks at her, “I didn’t say you didn’t!”

“No but I can see you and my mother waiting for me to give it up,” Caitlyn snaps back. The thought makes Vi’s tattoo not itch for a moment, until the gutted look on Caitlyn’s face registers, “I’m not going to!” Caitlyn says and the timber of her voice surprises Vi, “it’s all I have!”

“Huh?” Something cold burns in her gut, “Cait that’s not true!”

“Isn’t it?!” Caitlyn cries, “you can barely look at me in it, my mother gets my reports to see if I’m messing up, Maddie is under internal investigation so I don’t even have my partner—“ she drags a hand through her hair, “and now you won’t even give me the respect of leaving my room when I asked.”

“You didn’t ask—“

“I shouldn’t have to!” Caitlyn retorts. Vi clamps her mouth shut, “but you decided you wanted to come inside and so here we are!” Her hand falls back against her thigh, “you can’t kick me out of your family one moment and expect me to just swing by the Drop because you decided it was time to let me back in.”

They stare at each other across the floor and Vi wonders if she’s shrinking. She feels like she is. When Caitlyn puts it like that, it sounds even worse than the things she’s told herself. Caitlyn’s words echo in her head. The uniform is all she has. It makes Vi’s back itch to think about it. She tries to look at Caitlyn’s shoulders but the robe around her hides the skin. Not for the first time Vi realizes how much she misses the feel of falling asleep on Cailtyn. Back when she used to wear camisoles and sleep shorts to bed and Vi would fall asleep with her face pressed to her sternum. Caitlyn would read and when the words stopped making sense Vi would just feel the vibrations against her cheek. She’d wake up with her hand against Caitlyn’s ribs, right where her tattoo edges. But now Caitlyn wears long slips and even longer robes. Silky things that match her hair and make Vi ache to look at. 

Not just because they match her hair. 

They almost match her uniform. 

Vi’s back itches again even though there’s no need for it to do anything like that. It’s healed. But standing in front of Caitlyn watching her look at her like she’s a threat, Vi realizes that it might be the only healed thing here. It’s bad. Really bad. Vi knew she missed being in Caitlyn’s room, but she didn’t realize how much she missed it until she was standing in front of her in the space. She’s never been jealous that Caitlyn tried to be with Maddie, but she finds herself jealous that Maddie might be welcome in this room and she isn’t. The worst part of it is that Caitlyn is right. Even if her choice started the fight, Vi reacted. Her tattoo climbs high on her neck but what really clings to the back of her throat is her screaming at Caitlyn that she wished she killed them both. She screamed that at Caitlyn when they both knew it was Caitlyn who was in a coma afterwards. Caitlyn who spent days laying there still and silent and then stuck on machines that breathed for her. The thought of being pinned to a bed like that feels terrifying and Vi knows she did it to Caitlyn. 

“Okay,” she says. 

Caitlyn’s eyes narrow but Vi can see the stab of fear in them, even as her own heart jumps in response. Caitlyn is wary of her reactions. The itch is back but it’s even worse as they stare at each other. Vi wants to bite her lip so hard it bleeds, but the idea of causing more pain to Caitlyn keeps her from saying anything. It feels like she’s drank something she shouldn’t as everything squirms in her belly and crawls up her back. Caitlyn blows out a slow breath and looks at the door. Even though Vi wants to shout it out with her, she can see that isn’t what Caitlyn wants to do right now. She has to respect that. It takes everything to step back, it feels like she’s fighting her soul. Which is what she has been doing this entire time, she was just too stubborn to see that. 

“You don’t need to leave the house,” Caitlyn states, stopping her in her tracks. 

Vi’s throat bobs.

“I won’t,” she says. Her fingers tighten on the door, “I meant what I said,” she states, looking at the hallway, “I miss you at the Drop. When you’re ready, I hope you come by."

Caitlyn manages not to look surprised at breakfast and Vi tells herself she’s reading too much into it. 

Even though the Last Drop is packed, Vi is where she always is. 

Behind the bar. 

Caitlyn lingers in the doorway, half hidden as Vi chats with the customers and pours them drinks. The liquor goes in them, not in her. That’s what Vi has always said. She watches Vi pour beers with practiced movements and joke around with her customers. She’s always been like that. A vibrant sun that draws people into her orbit. It’s fascinating to watch. Especially as someone who has always drifted alone. Caitlyn swallows tightly, knowing she is on borrowed time lingering here. She needs to just commit. Taking a deep breath she steps fully into the bar. Even though she does not touch anything or do anything that might give her position away, it takes only seconds for Vi’s eyes to find hers. They widen in surprise before she’s slapping he hand in front of a stool and shaking her head to the guy who was considering sliding into it. She jerks her head and Caitlyn takes a deep breath, walking forward. The crowd is hard to navigate through but she manages and slides onto the seat. 

“What’ll it be?” Vi asks. 

“The usual,” Caitlyn replies. Vi nods and pulls out a full glass of soda water, a lemon perched on it. Caitlyn dips her head and takes the glass. She’s had the same drink order for years but Vi waited to hear it. She listened and Caitlyn tries not to shiver with the thought, “thanks,” she says. 

Vi nods, their eyes locking. 

“Can I get—“ someone starts.

“No,” Vi says. Caitlyn feels heat climb her cheeks as Vi focuses on her. She presses her lips together and picks up her drink. The glass is cold against her palm. She lifts her eyebrows at Vi who sighs and turns, “what do you want?” She questions.

Caitlyn is happy to sit there and drink her water as she watches Vi work. She’s felt her hands working, but there’s a difference between feeling it and watching it happen. She’s always loved that connection, when she can see what Vi is doing in addition to feeling it. But like all things there’s a bittersweet edge to watching her work. To feeling the cool of the glass against her palm and the weight as it fills with whatever drinks are being ordered. Caitlyn shoves against the discomfort and focuses on Vi who keeps glancing up at her like she cannot quite believe Caitlyn is sitting there. Even though it’s her shift, Caitlyn doesn’t mind sitting there and soaking in the atmosphere of the Drop. She knew she missed this place, but she didn’t realize how much. Finally though Vi comes in front of her. 

“Don’t you have a morning shift?” Vi asks. Caitlyn nods, surprised Vi wants to bring up her job. Vi hesitates a moment, “I’m glad you came by.”

“I was surprised you invited me,” Caitlyn says.

Vi goes pink and shrugs. It’s one of her tells. She goes pink and bites her lip when she’s been called on something she doesn’t want to talk about. Caitlyn immediately feels bad and looks down at the bubbles in her glass. She’s not expecting Vi to reach out and touch her hand, catching her attention. Caitlyn can see the determination in her face and she has to remind herself how stubborn Vi can be. How stubborn she is. Vi never does half measures. She’s an ‘or’ person. She loves or she hates. She forgives or is angry. There’s never a grey area. So even though there is determination written all over her face, Caitlyn knows there’s something underneath that she’s pushing through. 

“I know what you’re doing,” Caitlyn says. Vi looks at her curiously, “you don’t need to push yourself like this.”

Vi’s shoulders hunch a bit. She catches her bottom lip between her teeth and glances away before she looks at her. 

“Come on, Cupcake. I don’t know any other way to be.”

They both wince at her words. Vi lets out a shaky breath and tries to smile. 

“Vi—"

“I know I’m stubborn,” Vi starts, “I mean, I got a whole back tattoo while you were sweating more than you ever have,” Vi says as Caitlyn tries not to wince again, “and the face tattoo,” she tries to smile, “can you imagine if it was on your license?”

Caitlyn looks down at their toes, but she doesn’t join in the thready laugh that escapes Vi’s lips. She’s here to change things. She’s here because Vi asked. Caitlyn knows it’s time to put her proverbial cards on the table. She can also be bold. Caitlyn pulls her license out of her purse and places it on the bar in front of Vi.

“It is.”

The smile vanishes from Vi’s lips.

Caitlyn looks at the camera in the license, Vi’s tattoo bright on her cheekbone. Vi did her makeup so she looks absolutely flawless. It’s impossible to tell she was crying a hour before. Vi had put some kind of tape on her skin to protect the fresh tattoo. Caitlyn had been waiting in line to get her photo taken with Vi’s tears and words ringing in her ears. At the last minute she had thumbed off the bandage. When the photographer had asked if she was sure she had told him to take the picture. She watches Vi’s grip turn painfully tight even before her own fingers ache with it. Vi’s eyes dart from the picture to her. 

“Why?”

The tattoo is long-healed but it burns with their blush as Caitlyn hesitates. 

“Because you were right, my actions do have consequences when I’m in that uniform,” Caitlyn says, “every time I show my license I remember what they did to you and your family. What I did to you,” she continues, “it’s a reminder not to become like them."

Vi stares at her for a long moment before handing it back to her. 

“Watch the bar!” She shouts, though Caitlyn has no idea who she’s talking to. Then she hops over and grabs her wrist. 

“Come on,” she says, leading her towards the cellar. 

Everything in Caitlyn sings as she follows Vi into the cellar. She can feel both of their hearts racing, though she’s not sure who is driving it and who is reflecting it. It’s dimly lit in the cellar. They stare at each other for a moment and Caitlyn wonders if she’s possibly misread this. But then Vi swears softly and moves forward, closing the distance between them and pressing their lips together. Everything in Caitlyn sings at the contact, at the feel of Vi’s mouth against hers. The push-pull sensation flares as their lips move against each other and for one moment, everything in the world feels impossibly right. 

Then the panic starts. 

Caitlyn feels Vi’s entire body tense and her heart kick up. She doesn’t even have time to wonder before Vi rips her mouth away and the cold air rushes in. 

Caitlyn forces her eyes open and looks at her face. She looks so pained, it takes Caitlyn’s breath away. The cellar is always cool but it feels like ice as she looks at the anguish on Vi’s face. Words fail her as she stares at her. They just kissed but it’s so unlike the last time. When it felt warm and promising. Now Vi looks gutted an Caitlyn isn’t certain she’s ever felt so dirty in her entire life. Vi presses a hand to the back of her mouth and Caitlyn wonders if she’s going to be sick. If either of them is going to be sick. It feels like it. She wants to vomit even before Vi locks their eyes together. 

“Sorry,” Vi mumbles, “I—I can’t. I’m not--”

Caitlyn feels as though she’s drowning. Vi takes a step back and she’s glad for the wall at her back. Glad to have something to hold onto. Even though her back is long healed, even though she knows the meaning of the tattoo, this is a cruelty that cuts deeper than any of them. She wonders if this is how Silco felt when Vander pushed him under the water. If his pride kept his mouth shut as his Soulmate gutted them both. She thought—Gods she is a fool. She thought they avoided this when Silco and Vander sat them down. She thought it worked. Truly she did. She sees the pain on Vi’s face and feels her heart pick up, but for the first time it doesn’t matter. Not in the face of her own racing heat. All the words Caitlyn wants to say die on her tongue. They die on her tongue because they have already been said. They don’t matter. None of this matters. Vi’s eyes dart up but for the first time Caitlyn feels as though she can hold her head up high. Even as Vi tries to shrink into herself. Caitlyn wipes her lips and straightens her dress. 

“I’m—“

“There’s no need to apologize,” she says. Vi’s eyes widen and Caitlyn moves past her, “this was good.”

“What?” Vi breathes. 

“Yes,” Caitlyn says, turning around. She will face this. She can face this. She squares her shoulders. She is dressed for dignity and her mother had a point about clothing being armor. If nothing else it hides the pain, “now we’re even."

Vi’s stares.

“Cait—“

“I broke us, I take responsibility for that,” Caitlyn says, “it was a mistake on my part, but I should have considered we weren’t on the same page. Now I think we are,”

“Wait, what—“ she starts forward but Caitlyn holds up her hand, “Cait I’m sorry.”

“I’m not,” Caitlyn says, “we want different things, there’s no shame in that,” she smiles or tries to, “but we should strive to be like my mother and Sheriff Grayson, not your fathers. We’ve hurt each other in the same way, I hope we can move forward as friends.”

“Cait that’s not fair!” Vi objects, her hand closing around her am. Caitlyn rips it free, “Cait, can we talk about this? Please?”

“Vi I do not want to hear about how you don’t feel the same,” Caitlyn says, “or about how my blood or my family or job makes kissing me painful for you,” she feels Vi grind her teeth together but she keeps her jaw carefully loose, “I could leave my job tomorrow but I will always be the daughter of the woman who killed your parents.”

Vi’s eyes widen as Caitlyn drags the heart of the problem into the light. 

Suddenly it seems so clear. Even before red starts to blossom along Vi’s cheeks. It’s the truth and Caitlyn doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry. How could she possibly have thought this difference could be bridged? That their feelings could overcome something like that. She thought it was the Enforcer miscommunication that broke them but suddenly she can see how foolish she was to think that. That was just the final straw. But they were always going to end up like this. This part of them was always going to end this way. The issue was fundamentally her. It always had been. Everything she had that kept Vi alive was also the reason that Vi needed to be kept alive in the first place. She was both the savior and the executioner. How could she possibly think this would end differently?

“I don’t think that anymore,” Vi starts but the words are so hollow Caitlyn cannot do anything but laugh. Vi cringes at being caught, “I know it’s not that simple.”

Caitlyn bites her lip and Vi’s face goes even redder. 

“It is to me,” Caitlyn says with far more dignity than she feels. Vi reaches up and Caitlyn ignores the brush of fingers against the mark, “I’d ask that you consider sending word when you do something with that one. So I’m prepared.”

She doesn’t say it didn’t work. She doesn’t have to. The thought of it being a reminder is achingly sweet and devastatingly cruel. It’s strange to lose something you knew you never actually wanted. Not completely. Vi’s fingers twitch and her hand falls back to her side. She doesn’t respond but Caitlyn doesn’t expect her to. There’s no need for a response when they both know Caitlyn’s right. Caitlyn wants nothing more than to leave but she forces herself to look at her Soulmate. Even, this makes them even. 

“Is there anything else?”

“I’m sorry,” Vi repeats and for the first time Caitlyn understands how hollow those words can become in the space between lips and ears, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“Nothing’s wrong with you,” Caitlyn says and is surprised by how much she means it, “this is just how things are,” she puts everything into her diplomatic smile, “we don’t get to choose our Soulmates. But I am truly sorry you were born waiting for me, only to have me to cause you so much pain. I’m sorry your mother was wrong about me,” Vi’s throat works but all Caitlyn can do is force out a farewell, “goodnight, Vi.”

She hurries out of the bar before Vi can drag the conversation to a more painful place, brushing past anyone who tries to get in her way. The roaring in her ears drowns out everything. Thankfully her transport is still waiting outside and she throws herself in. The driver takes one look at her and immediately throws it in gear, pulling away from the bar. Caitlyn can barely see through the tears as she fumbles the window down, sucking in a deep breath of cold air. It doesn’t help. Not with the throb in her lips or the ache in her heart. Vi kissed her and panicked. No matter the explanation—there is only one explanation. This will not work. It never could. Their differences are just too much. Vi knew it, it just took her longer to realize. A sob pulls from her throat and is lost to the night air as she sinks back against the transport seats. 

“Miss Kiramman?” The driver points at the mirror. 

Caitlyn wipes her eyes and turns.

Vi is sprinting after her. 

The pounding isn’t just her heart, the lump isn’t just in her throat. But there’s no relief in the sight of her running. This is what Vi does. She pushes herself beyond reason or sense. Even as she runs, all Caitlyn can see is the ink that was supposed to include her. The tattoo Vi got at the worst time in the cruelest way possible. The realization that Vi was not the only one pushing herself is crippling. It was too soon. It was always going to be too soon. There was never a chance for them, she was just too foolish to see it. Caitlyn stops trying to wipe her tears and looks at the driver. 

“Take me back to Piltover,” she whispers. Her throat burns with a yell she cannot hear as the window closes, “I need a bar—somewhere safe.”

The driver nods and the transport begins to move faster. Her legs ache with Vi’s frantic speed but Caitlyn brings them up, hugging them to her chest. She always thought she broke them, but now the truth is plain as day. They were never going to work. Caitlyn allows herself two more sobs before she forces her legs down. She can feel her throat burn with a scream and her knees ache as they strike the stones. A moment later there’s a hand on Vi’s back, right where the tattoo flares out. Caitlyn squeezes her eyes shut tightly and thanks whoever was there for the reminder. They’ve hurt each other so much. One of them has to be the one to stop it. She swallows her final sob as the realization crashes into her. 

Vi was born waiting for her. 

Only Caitlyn can show her there’s nothing to wait for. 

Not anymore.

Chapter Text

“Cait!” 

Vi’s anguished yell makes Powder sprint faster. She can feel her heels ripping as she sprints but she doesn’t care. She knows Ekko will understand. This is Vi they’re talking about. She runs as fast as she can until she catches Vi on her knees in the middle of the road. Up ahead she can see a fancy transport pulling away. Her stomach drops at the sight as it keeps going, even though Caitlyn definitely heard Vi yell. The whole city heard it. Powder puts her hand on Vi’s back as Vi doubles over. For a moment Powder thinks maybe Caitlyn is just injured and going home, but the next moment she knows that’s stupid when Vi grips her hair and lets out an anguished yell. Powders heart drops at the sound. She thought things were going well. They even snuck away and she and Claggor had to jump behind the bar to help. Even though she wasn’t supposed to, this was definitely an extenuating circumstance. But then Caitlyn had come tearing out of the bar with her hand pressed to her mouth and a moment later Vi had run after her. Literally. To the point where they had to give a few free drinks out because she shoved people to the side to get out the door. But Powder didn’t realize how bad it was until she came outside to check and they were both gone. Powder tugs at Vi’s arm but Vi just folds into herself. 

“Vi we have to get out of the street!” Powder pleads, tugging her arm. Vi looks at her for a moment before she seems to realize where they are. They stumble away just before the next transport flattens them. Powder isn’t certain her heart will ever go back to normal as Vi staggers over to the building and throws her back against it, sliding down and gripping her hair, “Vi, what happened?” Powder asks. 

“I fucked up,” Vi says, her voice strangled. Powder shifts her weight and Vi lifts her wet eyes to hers, “I really fucked up this time.”

“How?"

“I kissed her,” Vi says and the air flees from Powder’s lungs. Vi’s face twists and her head falls back between her hands, “I kissed her and I panicked.”

Powder has no words as she looks at the anguish written all over her. The worst part of it is when Vi tips her head forward all Powder can see is the ink that climbs up the collar of her shirt. When Vi’s shoulders hunch it brings more of the tattoo closer together, the gears working up her shoulders and the swirls coming near her ears. Powder knows she should be honored with how much of her is in the tattoo, but she wishes that there was less every time she sees it. It feels wrong that all of them are on there except Caitlyn. It always has. Caitlyn’s scopes are supposed be there so when Vi brings her forearms up to run her fingers through her hair, she connects her and Caitlyn. The scopes point towards her flare smoke. From what was supposed to be their signal if they ever got separated on a job back when things were bad. It was a promise that Vi would always find her. Powder feels her throat tighten and her stomach drop as she looks back at the road. 

Caitlyn is supposed to find Vi. 

Vi is supposed to find her.

But Caitlyn is gone. A wave of sadness washes over Powder as she looks at her sister. Caitlyn’s gone and Vi looks absolutely tortured over it. Not even trying to hide it like she did back when She thinks about the letter Vander had her find in the garbage. The one she has folded neatly and tucked away. She thought she was going to be able to give it to Vi soon, but now—now she doesn’t now if she ever will. Vi has never been one to kiss people without meaning it. To kiss them without being sure. Powder isn’t surprised Vi got caught up in the moment or that she let her guard down around Caitlyn, but she also isn’t surprised Caitlyn was gutted by it. That’s the thing about Soulmates. They force you to be honest about your injuries. You can’t hide them from someone whose skin mirrors your so well. They force you to be honest about physical pain. But that’s it. 

Sometimes, people forgets that limit. 

“You kissed her too soon,” Powder says, “if you explain—“ Vi’s shoulders lock, “you can explain right?”

“I don’t know,” Vi whispers. 

Powder swallows and looks down. This isn’t just about the kiss. Just like Vi freaking out wasn’t about Caitlyn becoming an Enforcer. It’s about so much more. They always knew Vi’s Soulmate was from Piltover, but as VI got older and angrier, it was always easier to think of them as from the middle bits. Or the lower bits. Someone who had more resources than them—but that wasn’t hard. And then they had walked into the hospital room and an actual princess had been laying there. The day before Vi had been swearing that Piltover and Zaun would respect them one day, glaring up when she had been. Glaring at the top at the nicest house. The house that Caitlyn was sitting in. For so long Powder thought they could do it, that they could overcome everything. That they would be like the couples she read about in the book her parents had gotten her one birthday. About the handsome prince and the brave princess who were saved by true love’s kiss. But standing there on the sidewalk that fairytale feels impossibly far away. 

“Let’s get back,” Powder says, tugging at Vi’s arm. She tenses and Powder rubs at her back, “Caitlyn will be cold too,” she says. 

Vi shudders and it makes Powder think of before when they first fell apart. When Vi would struggle against tending to her bruises during Caitlyn’s Enforcer training, even though Caitlyn had always tended to hers. She’d struggle but she would let them tend to them. Her, mostly, but Mylo and Claggor were there too. They spent so many nights helping when Vi could have thrown them off. But she usually didn’t, except when she panicked about Caitlyn turning around and killing them like the Enforcers who killed mom and dad. Then Claggor would have to get their pardons and they would all soothe Vi until she fell asleep. Now she stumbles to her feet, wrapping her arms around herself. Her eyes squeeze shut and Powder sees tears leak out of them. There are wet trails down her cheeks. The tattoo shines in the industrial light but Vi makes no move to wipe her tears. She just wraps her arms around herself and starts to walk towards the Last Drop. She goes easier but all Powder can think is that it might be too late. The thought makes her chew her lip in worry until Vi’s eyes drift over to her. 

“Stop,” she mumbles, digging into her pocket and passing over her chapstick, “we’ll—“

“It’s fine,” Powder says quickly, swiping it on and handing it back. She can’t stand the thought of Vi comforting her right now, “let’s just get back, okay?”

She can’t stand the thought of Vi comforting her and seeing her possible future.

Powder refuses to indulge the thought even with the pain aching in her heart. This will be fine. Even if Vi and Caitlyn choose not to be together, they’ll still feel each other in a good way. They won’t be like her and Ekko or their Dads. Things can’t be that bad. Powder quickly gets them into the Drop. Vander is behind the bar with Ekko. Both of them turn and Powder just puts her hand on Vi’s back and steers her to the stairs. She knows they can see her bloody heels but she doesn’t care. Ekko will understand given everything. Even if walking to school is going to be hard tomorrow. Right now the only thing that matters is getting Vi safely inside and away from everyone whose glancing towards them. She can practically feel their eyes on them until there’s a cheer as Vander offers free drinks for an arm wrestling contest. The attention being away eases something as Powder steers Vi into her bedroom. 

“I thought I was ready,” Vi says.

“I know,” Power replies, touching Vi’s shoulders. Vi swallows and her eyes close, pain written all over your face, “it’s gonna be okay—“

“Why couldn’t I be ready?” 

Powder cringes. She is the worst person to ask the question of. She wasn’t ready to find out her Soulmate wasn’t Caitlyn. She hasn’t been ready for anything since. When the Kirammans sponsored her education, she underwent tests to figure out what she did and did not know. Her education had been cobble together, mostly by Vi, but it was a solid foundation. Except they then made her do a bunch more tests. The graph they gave Vander looked like a readout from a the heart machine. She was either miles ahead or slightly behind in everything. It’s some kind of laughable summary of her life. She’s either too far ahead or far behind, but never where she’s supposed to be. She thought it was just her, but now she’s thinking it’s probably genetic. 

“I don’t know, Vi,” she says, “but if anyone can figure this out it’s you two.”

VI gives an anguished smile, something almost too pained to be a smile. She flops back and stares at the ceiling, tears trickling down her temples. She relaxes and Powder wonders what Caitlyn is doing that has sent the sensation through. She also doesn’t want to know. Vi never kisses people until she’s ready. Pain is more familiar to all of them than pleasure every will be. Caitlyn isn’t the same. Even though she’s suffered every wound Vi has suffered, felt every moment her body was too starved to do anything but consume itself—felt tattoo needles on impossibly sore muscles. Powder can’t blame Caitlyn for wanting to feel literally anything else. From the anguished look on Vi’s face, that’s a mutual feeling between them again. One they feel together but cannot express to each other. Vi turns her head and her eyes are wide, wet and so grey. 

“I don’t think there is an us,” Vi whispers, “I ruined it.”

Powder grips her hand tightly. 

“There’s always gonna be a you and her,” Powder reminds her, “you’re half of each others souls. Janna didn’t mean for you to be apart.”

Vi lets out a soft, miserable sound and looks up at her ceiling. It’s words that Powder has heard from her before. She never thought that they would be here with her repeating them to Vi. Something is happening across their bond as Vi closes her eyes tightly and then relaxes again, turning her head away from her. Powder leans over and kisses her cheek, hoping that she and Caitlyn can feel it. She toes off her shoes and slips out of the room, closing the door behind her. 

“What happened?” 

Powder jumps and turns around to see Ekko standing there, concern written on his face. Her eyes dart down to see he’s taken off his socks and slipped his heels out of his shoes. She looks down at her own sock covered feet. Ekko’s frown deepens at her silence and he steps forward, reaching out for her. But the idea of him touching her when they could be Vi’s future makes her jerk back. It always does. Ekko’s face goes blank and his hand falls at her refusal. She knows it hurts him, no Bond required. Even though you cannot feel emotions through the Bond, when she glances up at him the pain on his face makes her think maybe they can. Maybe that’s the thing that makes them special. Maybe she broke them so spectacularly they can feel all kinds of pain. 

“I’ll soak my heels,” she mumbles. 

“I wasn’t—“

“Sorry about that,” she says quickly, darting away from him and throwing herself into the bathroom. 

There’s a soft thump on the wall and she can picture him with his fist pressed against it. He wouldn’t punch to the point where there would be pain, he’s always careful about that. And it always hurts in a different place when he is. She’s the one forever causing them injuries. Powder squeezes her eyes shut as she hears him pad away. Her eyes sting as she thinks about the mess she and her family are in. How all they can seem to do is hurt their Soulmates. They all met them at different points and in different ways, they’ve all been hurt and hurt them. But the final straw always seems to come from their hands. No matter how hard they try to avoid it. By the time they realize how rotten things have become it’s too late. 

Powder sniffles and turns on the faucet. 

At the very least she can not make their heels worse. 

When the man's hand moves for her leg, Mel knows the deal is not worth it. 

Not with a pig like this. 

She had a suspicion when she was invited to grab a drink but she needed to be certain. The man is very well connected. But even if he hadn’t been Mel would have tried to vet him. She always did. Even with her power solidified and Piltover firmly feeling like home, the bitterness of exile was not a taste that went away. Some things lingered far beyond reason. She still gives more chances than she should. Just to prove to herself that she is not simply a product of the blood in her veins. The other half of her soul has always tried to see the best in those around him. She wants that to be the thing that rules her decisions first, then the Medarda side can come in. Even though she can admit that by this point Jayce would have flung himself out of the bar. Which was why she had elected to take this on. The establishment was known as a safe place for those who vetted such things. A simple left tilt of her glass and a purposeful look towards eyes that were scanning had someone at her side for a neat exit. An old friend who just happens to be here. Mel turns and smiles towards them before stopping dead. 

An old friend is here.

Mel catches the back of her hair as she strides towards the bathroom, her hand locked with another woman’s. The woman she’s holding hands with looks completely delighted at the prospect of what is about to happen. She’s tugging the tail from her hair and running her fingers through it in preparation. But what is concerning is Caitlyn’s tight features as she strides towards the bathroom. The tight smile she gives her companion as she stops and whispers something. Her eyes scan her face and her companion nods again, stepping closer and reaching up towards Caitlyn’s cheek. Caitlyn shakes her head and catches her hand, moving it to her shoulder. Her companion nods again and rubs her thumb across Caitlyn’s collarbone. She steps closer and guides her over to the powder room, nudging her inside. Mel snaps and waves off her escape route, barely remembering to thank her before she’s hurrying into the bathroom. Concern pulses through her as they both freeze and look at her. 

“Goodnight,” Mel says to the girl.

“Excuse me?” She turns and steps in front of Caitlyn. Mel raises an eyebrow, “we were just—"

“You were leaving,” Mel repeats, possibly harsher than she means to. It doesn’t matter, she just needs this girl leave. She takes the hint finally and Mel takes Caitlyn’s hand, pulling her into the adjacent powder room. She locks the door behind her and turns around, “Caitlyn what on earth?”

Caitlyn stares at her for a moment. Mel can see that there is something wrong. Caitlyn’s face is stone cold but her eyes are reddened from tears. Her lips are too and dented faintly like she or Vi have been chewing on them. Mel’s worry only grows as she sees the way Caitlyn loses her ability to hold her gaze and stares at the ground, her ears going red. But for the life of her Mel has no idea what would have Cailtyn dragging girls into the bathroom like this. She’s dressed nicely but casually. Her hair is down and she has a small bit of makeup on. There’s no give away in her outfit for where she might have gone that would have her in such a state. She walks over to Caitlyn and tips her chin up, holding Caitlyn’s gaze with her own, striking the balance between asking for information and letting it be given to her. It’s a look that usually gets her what she wants. Caitlyn has gotten more immune to it over the years, but the liquor and whatever has her in such a state pushes past that. Caitlyn fights it for a moment longer, chin raised defiantly before her lip trembles. 

Then her features crumble and she begins to sob. 

Mel drops her chin and pulls her close, tucking her into her embrace. Caitlyn sinks into it, her arms clinging to her. It’s been years since Caitlyn has hugged her this tightly. Since she’s dropped into her embrace like she’s trying to fold herself away from the world. Concern pounds through Mel, mixed with the profound relief Cailtyn picked this bar. She can only imagine how this would have gone over in a less guarded establishment. Or, Gods forbid, the Last Drop. But it’s been a year, at least, since Caitlyn has gone down there. There’s simply—Mel stops the train of thought as Caitlyn weeps. It’s been years since she wept like this. There’s only a handful of people who have the power to send Caitlyn Kiramman into this state and only one who dares to do it consistently. The plain clothes suddenly make so much more sense. Mel guides Caitlyn onto the ottoman in the corner and draws her legs into her lap. Instead of protesting like she usually would, Caitlyn just lets her hold her. Mel doesn’t rub her back, she knows not to do that. But it’s been so long since she’s even had to consider rubbing Caitlyn’s back when she cries. 

“What happened?” Mel asks softly when she quiets. 

“We kissed,” Caitlyn whispers, “she—“ Caitlyn presses he lips together, “I was a fool.”

Mel cannot quite contain her frustrated sigh, though it’s far better than the sound she does want to make. Caitlyn always takes the responsibility onto herself. When she had let it slip that Vi was getting an entire back tattoo, she made it sound as though she had walked her into the parlor herself. Like she had cut herself out of the very stencil before it was laid on Vi’s skin. Their roles as giver and taker are dangerously ingrained in them. The necessity that dictated them has eased, but it is still Caitlyn’s instinct to give everything she has to Vi. Mel has to remind herself that Vi’s instincts are also beyond her control. When you grow up starving, how can you be expected to do anything but take and save for later? 

“What really happened?” Mel asks. 

“We kissed,” Caitlyn repeats, “Vi—she never kisses anyone she hates so I thought—“ she trails off with a miserable hiccup, “then she panicked.” 

Mel rubs the outside of her arm as Caitlyn begins to fidget with her fingers before she drops her hands into her lap. 

“I’m always going to be a Kiramman first to her,” she whispers and the misery in her tone guts Mel. Her eyes move over toward her, “I’m never going to just—” her breath catches, “be her Soulmate."

Mel has no choice but to pull her back close. The unspoken thing hangs in the air. Caitlyn’s last name has always felt like a burden to her, like she does not exist outside of the confines of it. Many times it is the only thing people see about her. She will always be both a Kiramman and Vi’s Soulmate, but at the moment only the former matters. It stops after Kiramman. Of all the things Vi has done, making Caitlyn feel like that might be the worst. It will be the longest lasting. Longer than the fact that Mel knows she won’t be able to rub Cailtyn’s back without her jumping or touch her cheek without her cringing away. Even now Cailtyn will only press the right side of her cheek to Mel’s collarbone, the left has to stay untouched. Mel’s heart aches for her. Having a Soulmate means you have a bond for life, but the Gods never saw fit to define that bond. Mel knows very well that you can want to be somewhere and know it is not the right place for you. 

Sometimes home is no longer where you want it to be.

“Come on,” Mel says, guiding Caitlyn to her feet and out into the bar. 

“But I want to—“ Caitlyn  starts. 

“Not tonight,” Mel says, steering her into her own transport. She gets Caitlyn seated and looks at her driver, “tell the Kiramman one to follow,” she says. 

A few moments later they are making their way back to her residence. Her first miscalculation is revealed when Caitlyn drops her left cheek onto her shoulder. Mel looks out the window as they head away from the bar. She has many questions for Vi, but what she’s feeling isn’t one of them when Caitlyn wipes at her dry cheek like she’s brushing away a phantom tear. On her thigh Mel taps out a message to Jayce. She can feel him pounding away. She digs her fingers into her own thigh and feels him stop. Then she sends her message again and gets a quick acknowledgment. He usually works when she has to deal with one of the bastards of society. But their separate missions are done for the evening. 

Caitlyn needs them. 

“Did I ruin your night?” Caitlyn asks abruptly. 

“Not at all,” Mel promises her, “I had signaled for an exit,” she says, “you were smart to go to that bar.”

Caitlyn nods against her shoulder. 

“I’m glad you were there.”

When they pull up Jayce is waiting for them with a sealed letter for Cassandra Kiramman. He gives it to Caitlyn’s driver before hurrying to their door, opening it up. Mel thought Caitlyn was out of tears but her eyes fill again at the sight of him. She pitches out of the car and into his embrace as he hugs her easily. Mel waves him off and turns as the driver opens her door. Jace has his arms around Caitlyn as she hiccups into his chest. Mel knows this is not just about one kiss. This is years of hoping coming undone. She moves ahead as Jayce guides Caitlyn in through the front door. He takes her to the bathroom Mel told him to get ready. She can hear the quiet gurgle of water and peeks in to see the mountains of bubbles and the rest of the supplies. He squeezes Caitlyn’s shoulders and smiles at her. 

“Why don’t you get in the bath, Sprout?” He says. Caitlyn takes a breath of the perfumed air and then gives a little nod, “we’ll be right here if you need anything.”

“My mom—“

“We already sent a letter with your driver,” Jayce assures her, “you just warm up, okay?” 

Caitlyn nods and slips into the bathroom. The moment she’s gone, Jayce tugs her a little away and gives her a questioning look. Even though Mel knows she could tap out the response, between the soot on his hands and the way hers are balled into fists, it’s pointless to even attempt. 

“Something happened with them,” she says. Anger burns in Jayce’s eyes, “Caitlyn said they kissed.“

“Damn it,” Jayce mutters and Mel feels her heart jump, but whose anger is driving it is anyones guess, “why?”

“I don’t know,” Mel says, thinking of the slowly repairing relationship with them and how it all may have been undone, “that doesn’t matter right now—“

“Doesn’t matter?” Jayce says and Mel glares at him to lower his voice, “how could it not matter? Look at her.”

“Doesn’t matter right now,” she emphasizes, “what are you going to do? March down to Zaun?” 

Jayce looks at her and Mel can see he wants to do exactly that. Which is completely foolish for many reasons. That blinded look reminds her of how Vi snapped at the Inventor’s Ball the year before. It was foolish to beat someone to a pulp for insulting Caitlyn. But it had not stopped her. Sometimes Vi and Jayce show they are cut from such similar cloth. But she and Jayce had the benefit of meeting when they were older, when the stakes for them were higher. Thankfully though their meeting was connected to the explosion, they did not met when one of them was involved in blowing the other up. None of it matters right now. Right now their only priority is the broken hearted girl in the bathtub. There’s a chime at the door and Mel’s heart jumps as she considers it could be Cassandra, but Jayce walks over and returns with a pink box wrapped in twine. Her eyes widen at the sight at this late hour. 

“I called in a favor,” he says, holding it out to her and tipping his head towards the bathroom door. 

Mel presses a kiss to the corner of his mouth. 

“I’ll bring these to her,” Mel says, “you go check on the room,” Jayce nods. Mel catches his wrist, “we’ll deal with the rest tomorrow.”

Jayce nods. Mel watches him turn and go to make sure everything is ready for Caitlyn to have a warm place to sleep tonight. He’s steady and firm and warm. The idea of calling Caitlyn’s favorite bakery and begging and bribing them to make her favorite pastry is not something she would have considered. They both love Caitlyn. But this is something guaranteed to bring at least a little smile onto her face. They are a team as Jayce sees to the next step and Mel turns to the bathroom door, gently knocking on it. 

A miserable noise grants her entry.

Mel slips inside to tend to her broken heart. 

Vander can’t remember the last time he was this exhausted. Everything hurts and it has nothing to do with the arm wrestling contest he instigated. The ache in his arm is actually the easiest hurt to deal with. It’s what’s down the hall that’s the hardest. Whatever happened to put that look on their faces is bad. Vander rubs his own. Sitting Vi down and talking to her was the right thing to do, painful as it had been. It stopped her from going down a dark path that no-one should have to go down. Soulmates weren’t meant to scar each other like that. Not intentionally. Not with so much hatred in their hearts that they didn’t care about their own lives, only causing their other halves pain. Soulmates are gifts from the Gods and to hurt them is to offend them. If you break the bond your punishment is to be forever without your other half, in this life and whatever comes next. 

“I cursed them,” Vander mutters. 

Phantom fingers brush the nape of his neck. The sensation still makes him jump. It’s been years since he felt anything but pain across the Bond. They were both certain that it would never shift. Too much had happened between them, the feelings were too bitter. Beyond the physical maiming they inflicted on each other, the unmedicated surgery, the dealings with the Chem Barons and Piltover and a thousand other things—deep down Vander knew it was his own anger that kept them apart. How the hell you forgave someone for hurting your kid, Vander couldn’t fathom. Ironic since they both knew it was his own actions that hurt Vi and Powder more than any other. His stupid revolution that made them orphans. If there had been any way to put them in a different home he would have. But then the posters looking for Vi went up and all he could do was hide them. Protect them. The phantom caress is followed by a flick to his forehead and he turns finally. 

“You’re thinking too loud,” Silco says from where he’s sitting cross legged on the bed, lowering his hand to pick his pen back up. 

Vander mutters a swear and walks over to the bed. Silco is like seeing a ghost sometimes. How do you forgive someone for hurting your kid? When they make it right apparently. When you show up and tell them they’re truly in trouble and they help without a second thought. Without even a question. When Caitlyn had dragged Vi out of the bar, nothing had changed. It had taken a few days for things to settle. Then he felt, of all things, the feeling of Silco brushing his teeth. The bond had widened and shifted since then. Allowing sensations that neither had felt in years. It didn’t fix everything, it didn’t fix most things, but it was a quiet something that dragged them closer together. Vander sits on the bed and watches as Silco’s handwriting scrolls across the page. He half expects to see the bun Silco used to wear at the nape of his neck. The pen keeps scratching as he looks at the door. 

“I should talk to her.”

“And say what?” Silco asks. Vander sighs, “you should let her rest.”

“What if Caitlyn’s—“ he stops himself. Caitlyn wouldn’t hurt herself to hurt Vi. Not intentionally. No, that is something he’s taught their daughters not something Piltover would bother with.

“And if she is, what are you going to do about it? Run up to Piltover and ‘Hound out’ on them?” Silco asks. Vander glares, “Vi’s stronger than you’re giving her credit for. She’s a survivor, like us.”

Vi is the oldest. Of all the kids they’ve orphaned, all the kids he and Benzo have raised, she’s the one who remembers the most. So many of the kids back then didn’t make it. The number of kids who are Vi’s age in Zaun is so small. Vi has always been surrounded by people older or younger than her. She made it because of Caitlyn. But the Bond doesn’t translate emotions. Caitlyn saved her from the physical torment, she healed her. And Vander knows she has her own baggage from that time. But Vi remembers the starving, the death, the thick and putrid air. She remembers her playmates dwindling until there were none except for new babies. Powder remembers less. Mylo remembers practically nothing. Claggor grew up sheltered in Babette’s place. But Vi, Vi remembers it all. 

“I wanted her to be different.”

It slips out without him thinking. He wanted her to be different. He swore she would be. Like Felicia wanted. She wanted Vi to have a better life. He’s not sure either of them realized how much Vi’s fate had already been sealed. The pen pauses it’s scratching. The hand on his neck is real this time. He’s only mildly annoyed when the caress is followed by a flick to the back of his neck. The teasing is also new. However much he is surprised by the Bond’s shift, Silco revels in it. In a way that Vander wasn’t quite expecting him to. He offers a half hearted glare towards Silco who rolls his eyes at him.

“You’re going to get ink on the sheets,” Vander says. 

“Stains come out,” Silco returns. 

“Not all of them,” Vander says. 

“No,” Silco agrees, “but they can be lived with,” he says, “like her tattoo,” Vander winces, “the past cannot be erased. But it can be carried.”

Vander thinks of the slight weight of the girls in his arms. The heavier weight of Silco as he struggled. Mostly he thinks of how Caitlyn lunged forward and hauled Vi into her arms, dragging her out of the bar. He thinks of when they were younger and Vi was forever dragging herself to Caitlyn’s hospital bed until they had to push them together just to get her to stop. The past can be carried but it’s easier to share the burden. The bed shifts as Silco joins him on the edge, sitting next to him like they did when they were younger men. 

“It can be carried,” Vander says, "that’s a good one.”

“That’s why I wrote the speeches,” Silco says. 

Vander can’t argue with that. Silco’s hand is warm on his thigh as he looks at him. It’s the strangest touch of all to feel the hand on his thigh and the feel of his thigh on his palm. They’re taking it slow this time. Like they probably should have the other times when one of them just snapped and thew the other against the wall. It’s easier to do that when you feel nothing but pain. He has no idea about it when the bond is wider. If it’s going to be like before. It’s the last thing on his mind except when the sensations bleed through. 

“You didn’t curse anyone,” Silco says, “you—“

“Dad?” 

Vander smacks his hand on Silco’s chest and feels the thud on his own breastbone. Taking things slow means not letting the kids know how many nights they’ve been sleeping in the same bed. Not yet. But the voice that comes through the door is Powder’s and it sounds almost more miserable than Vi’s face. Not telling the kids is one thing while they figure out whatever the hell is happening between them. But hiding it at their expense isn’t something either of them is willing to do. Vander gets up and opens the door, frowning at Powder’s miserable and tear streaked face. He looks down at her bloody feet as she clutches her school shoes to her chest. 

“I keep trying not to make them hurt,” she mumbles, “but it doesn’t work—“

“It’s alright,” Vander says, pushing open the door. Powder comes inside and her eyes lock with Silco’s. Her lip trembles as she looks at him, “maybe he can help.”

Silco looks at him and then focuses on Powder. She’s always been drawn to Silco in the same way Vi has been drawn to him. Felicia used to find it funny that her daughters each picked a favorite uncle to take after. That has also been a thread pulling them together. Even at their worst, even when they couldn’t look at each other, they had the girls. Powder’s lip wobbles and she walks over to the bed, sitting down with her shoes still in her lap. The insides are stained with blood and Vander winces at how cut up her and Ekko’s heels must be. Silco takes them from her hands, even though she has a white knuckled grip on them. Vander sits on her other side as Powder looks down at her toes. He watches as her eyes fill up with tears. 

“We’re gonna figure it out,” Vander says to her. Powder nods and glances over at Silco. Waiting for him to agree or disagree. He nods back, “now—“

“Let’s have a look at those heels,” Silco finishes. 

Powder squeezes her eyes shut, a few tears leaking out.

Then she lifts her leg so they can help. 

Chapter Text

“I think there’s something wrong with me.”

Vander’s shoulders stiffen in a way that tells Vi this thought isn’t a new one. Her throat tightens as she thinks about Caitlyn’s shocked face as she pulled back. About all the times Caitlyn’s been shocked at her. It used to be good. She used to like surprising her. Vi’s throat tightens further as she remembers her surprised, happy face. As she remembers how much younger she looked the last time she put that expression on it. Her fingers dig into her scalp as she focuses hard on the wood in front of her. She lets the words hover there. Vander puts down his rag and she hears him moving around. She knows what will be put in front of her but her throats still clogs even more when she sees her mom’s old glass with Powder’s scribbles on it. He fills it and puts it in front of her. Her decorated glass is in his hand as he leans forward like he does for all of the lost souls who come shuffling into the bar. Vi is irrationally glad he doesn’t come around to the side and hug her. That he just stands and gives her space like he would for anyone who was ready to share their problems. She looks up into his scarred face. Vander’s always said it helps people talk because they think he won’t judge them. But she knows it took a long time for him to find any humor in the marks on his face. 

“Why do you think that?” He asks. Vi glances at the rag on his shoulder and Vander swipes it down, beginning to polish the bar. 

“I hurt my Soulmate,” she says. Vander looks at her and Vi swallows the lump, staring into the glass, “she did something I didn’t like and I—“ Vi stops herself, “we had a miscommunication—“ she trails off. She closes her eyes and listens to the rag squeak along the bar, the familiar and comforting smell of polish filling her nose, “I miss mom.”

It spills out without her even meaning to say it. The rag squeaks horribly and then quickly resumes its polishing. The lump cannot be swallowed anymore than the confession can. Vi hangs her head, glad that it’s daytime. Glad that Powder is in school so she can’t hear. She’s tried to keep Powder’s memories of mom alive, but she knows they’re not the same. She was so small when she died. But when Vi says what she remembers, she keeps those memories alive. Or she thought she did. Right up until Caitlyn looked her in the eye and said she was sorry her mom was wrong about her. Which wasn’t true. If she knows nothing else, Vi knows that’s not true. Her mom wouldn’t even carry a weapon onto that bridge because there was a tiny chance she would hurt Caitlyn’s parents. Her mom had loved Caitlyn since the day Vi’s eyes snapped open and she let out her first cry. She loved Caitlyn until her last breath because that was who her mom was. The idea that she made Caitlyn doubt that guts Vi in a way that she can’t put into words. Wanting her mother is a constant ache, but it crashes like a wave sometimes and Vi feels like she could drown in wanting her embrace. 

“I miss her too,” Vander says quietly. 

“Why didn’t she fight?” Vi asks suddenly. The grief shifting hot. Her head lifts and she looks at Vander, “why didn’t she have a weapon? Why—“ she cuts herself off, her fingers tight around the base of the glass. 

“Why what?” Vander prods. 

Vi shakes her head, clamping her lips together. 

“Do you want me to say what I think it is?” Vander asks. Vi wants to shake her head, but she feels it twist like a hangnail desperate to come off and she nods instead, “you want to know why protecting Caitlyn was more important than staying with you.”

Vi doesn’t recognize the noise that comes from her lips. Vander squeezes his eyes shut and the pain gets worse. She doesn’t want to hurt him. But the question is out there. She knew it would gut him, even if she didn’t realize it. Maybe that’s why it’s never come out before. The last thing she wants to do is hurt him. She doesn’t want to hurt anyone. But it’s all she can seem to do with the ugly rage twisting inside her. Even just hearing the question makes the monster pause. Vander looks away from her. His scarred face is the one she can see. The yellow iris of his false eye is like a beacon as he faces the pain for her. Like he always has. Even when she hasn’t been brave enough to do it herself. Maybe especially then. He lets out a breath that makes his shoulders tremble before he swipes his hand over his face. His eyes move towards the stairs before he looks back at her. 

“What do you remember of how bad things were down here?” he asks.

“I remember we didn’t have much,“ she says, trying to remember, “everyone was too hungry to play—“ she trails off, her stomach twisting, “that’s not true is it?"

“Nothing,” Vander says, “we were starving. You—“ he cuts himself off, rocking his knuckles against the wood, “it was the first time your mother had to cut your food so Powder would survive. She cried for days,” he hangs his head, “we were sick, starving or both. We could die or we could fight. There were no other options. If we took the Bridge we thought they would have to listen to us,” he looks at her, “your mom wanted a better life for you girls. But she knew your Soulmates were a part of that.”

There’s a hand clenching against her heart. Before she knows it she’s on her feet, staggering back. The truth hits her so hard her knees almost buckle. Vander loses the fight to be a casual bartender, coming quickly around to the other side of the bar. But Vi suddenly finds she cannot sit still. It seems so painfully obvious that Vi cannot believe she missed it. That it didn’t click years ago when she found out her mother was unarmed on the bridge. All she had been focused on was how her mother had been alright with leaving her but not with hurting her Soulmate. Even when she had accepted her mother had not been alright with leaving her or with hurting her Soulmate, she still hadn’t seen the truth. Maybe she wasn’t ready for it. But suddenly it all seems to fall into place. Counselor Kiramman helping, Caitlyn’s words, how everyone tried to keep them where they could find their way back to each other. She had bitterly wondered in her lowest points why Vander kept trying to make things peaceful. She had wondered that in the years between the Bridge and the explosion. Why he would do all of this when he had been so willing to fight. When he still was but not against Piltover. 

“She didn’t want Caitlyn to blame me!” Her shout echoes in the bar. Vander nods, “this—she was afraid of this. And I—“ she tugs a hand through her hair, “I did the thing she was scared of.”

“Grief doesn’t make sense,” Vander says but his words don’t quell the feelings pounding through her, “Your mom knew it, Caitlyn knows it too,” Vi lets out a strangled laugh, “she does. She’ll come around—“

“Why? So I can hurt her again?” Vi demands.

Vander rubs his jaw. 

“You hurt each other,” he says. Vi shakes her head, still pacing and Vander makes an exasperated sound, “Vi—“

“I love her, you know?” Vi says, cutting him off. Vander sighs and nods, “I’ve loved her my entire life—“ she pushes her hand through her hair, “she said the uniform was all she had. I did that. I made her feel that way. She thought I’d support her and I made her feel like she was alone.”

“You said it was a miscommunication,” Vander says. Vi squeezes her eyes shut, “Vi, those happen. They aren’t anyone’s fault—“

“The tattoo was!” Vi says, “not listening was. She asked me to stop making decisions for both of us and I just did it again,” she thinks of Caitlyn’s gutted expression and she wants to be sick, “I just—“ she trails off helplessly.

“You what?” Vander asks. Vi looks at him and he gives her a look, “better out than in,” he says. 

“She always fixed it, you know?” Vi says, “she never blamed me for getting hurt or being starving—“ the words hurt as she spits them out, “even though she was too—“ she can taste the truth on her tongue as she looks down at her bare forearms and the ink that ends so abruptly, “I wanted her to fix it,” her heart feels like it’s going to beat out of her chest as she looks at Vander, “I expected her to fix it.”

“That makes sense to me,” Vander says but his support does nothing to stop the realization rocketing through her, “you wouldn’t have survived without her. Piltover did that to us.”

Vi’s mouth is dry and it feels like the floor is not there anymore. Every action, every push—every bit of ink feels like the scream that is trapped in her throat. Piltover did that to them. Piltover did so much shit to them. The Kiramman’s did so much to them. Nothing will change that. But the truth just beats at her with every frantic pump of her heart. But this isn’t about them. It never has been. 

It’s about Caitlyn. 

She wanted Caitlyn to make the hurt go away like she always did.  Because Vi couldn’t fathom a world where they weren’t united, but somewhere along the way united meant fixing Zaun. Saving Zaun. Helping Zaun. Caitlyn did it all without a word of complaint. She figured out solutions that Vi didn’t even think were possible. Anything Vi thought of, Caitlyn would figure out how to accomplish. That’s how it always was. Vi knows if she looks out the window she’ll see a Zaun she thought would only exist in her head. And Caitlyn had always been happy to help. Always said that old Soulmate adage that their dreams were one. She wanted to help people. And the first time that she did it in a way that wasn’t focused on Zaun, what had Vi done? Screamed that she wished she killed them. Shouted that Caitlyn had no idea what she was doing instead of giving her a second to explain. Bile hits the back of her throat at the memory of the look on Caitlyn’s face. Her words echo in VI’s ears. I’m not like them, you know I’m not. 

“I’m gonna—“ 

Vander dives forward and pitches the trash can between her legs before she pukes out whatever’s in her stomach. He rubs a hand on her back as she does. 

“Better out than in right?” Vi jokes weakly. 

Vander gives her a pained look and passes her a glass of water. Vi rinses out her mouth and tries to keep her hands steady, but the truth has hit her and there doesn’t seem to be any going back. She wanted Caitlyn to take care of her, like she always did. She wanted her to make things better, like she always did. And when Caitlyn said no, when Caitlyn went against it, Vi had lashed out in the way she knew would hurt her the most. Shame burns through her as she looks down at her bare forearms. Everything in her wants to run up to Piltover and apologize over and over again. If they had just talked about what Caitlyn wanted, maybe things would be different. If she had listened for a second instead of reacting—

She wouldn’t have made one of her mom’s worst fears come true. 

That’s the hardest thing to swallow about this. Her mom was willing to die so Caitlyn wouldn’t be hurt. So Caitlyn wouldn’t blame her for her parents actions. And she turned around and did the exact same thing. Worst of all, she pushed it so far she doesn’t know if she can get Caitlyn back. A Soulmate is a Bond you have for life, but what kind of relationship you have is up to you. Her mind drags where it always does when she thinks of how their relationship has shifted. To Ekko’s tearful face after he heard Powder saying those things. How Benzo had ushered him out while his shoulders shook only for him to be replaced by an equally tearful Powder. They were Soulmates but an instant had changed everything in their Bond. She tries to run through all the horrible things she and Caitlyn have said to each other but has to stop after remembering Caitlyn saying her mom was wrong about her. Apologizing for it. Thinking of that makes Vi want to be sick. 

Thinking of Dad isn’t much better. 

Silco is complicated. His kindness is—hard to deal with sometimes even though he’s always been respectful of the weird place in their lives. She remembers him less from before, he’s in the corner of her eye hunched over the table writing. Or he’s talking to her dad off to the side. What happened after isn’t anything she wants to remember. She never gave her head much credit for pushing shit down. Repressed memories seemed like something a Piltie would come up with. But she knows for sure she has one. That night in the bar listening to Vander bellow as Silco had the diseased eye removed. She swore she would never hurt her Soulmate like that. Now when she looks down at her arms she can see she came so damn close. Close enough that maybe that kiss pushed them over that line. The thought of only feeling Caitlyn’s injuries fills her with a kind of dread she cannot name. She knows there’s one thing that sets them apart. 

One of them has always held on. 

Vi squeezes her eyes shut and pushes aside as much of the shit going though her head as she can. One of them has always held on. The love has always been there, but one of them has been pushing at it and the other has been repairing it. They’ve been so out of sync it makes her dizzy. Vi tries to let everything go away and find some inkling of what Caitlyn is doing. After the gut wrenching sobs, she felt the hot water the other night. And the ache of sweetness on her tongue. Them being far apart has never stopped the Bond from working. A moment later she feels it. On her tongue of all places. The minty feeling of teeth being brushed because they always carry around toothbrushes. Because even with all the healing and anchoring Caitlyn did, Vi’s stomach is still nervous. Like it remembers being starved when it shouldn’t. It feels like an allegory for everything. The phantom pains have taken over in a way she never wanted. That Mom never wanted. 

“What do I do?” She asks. Vander looks at her and guides her back over to the bar. Vi takes the cup in her hand and runs her thumb over the dents, “how the hell do I fix this?” Vander hesitates and his eyes dart towards the stairs. Vi follows his gaze and her eyes narrow. To her amazement she watches Vander’s cheeks start to go slightly pink. Sighing she turns, “Silco! Could you come down here?!”

Vander hangs his head and Vi shifts her weight. A moment later she hears one of the bedroom doors close. 

“See that’s how you call someone down,” she mutters. 

Vander’s eyebrows arch but Silco is coming down the stairs. Vi looks at the glass. It’s not like she’s a stranger to the idea of her parents having sex. The shack they grew up in was so small that it was impossible not to hear though she always pretended she couldn’t. But it’s weird to think about Vander and Silco. But Silco comes in with that weird dignity of his and seats himself on a seat next to her on the bar. After a moment Vander puts his usual strong coffee in front of him. Of all the things that she doesn’t remember, the smell of that is there. But it’s faint, the coffee was weak those days. 

“Vi’s—“

“I have to fix things with Caitlyn,” she says. Silco looks less surprised than she’s expecting and Vi wonders if she’s become predictable or if Vander figured it out last night, “I kissed her and I panicked.”

Both of them wince and Vi stares down at her cup. Their bond used to be strong enough to feel things beyond injuries. But from the way her heart was beating out of her chest, she doubts that would be needed. She definitely feels like she injured something. Vander takes a breath and then stops himself, his eyes darting to Silco. Silco rubs the back of his neck and Vi watches Vander’s hand come up to do the same. Mirroring each other in the way that Soulmates tend to do when they’re in proximity. She’s watched them fight it for years but now they let it happen. They look at each other again. She’s a little surprised when Silco’s voice comes first. 

“Pilties—“ Vander huffs and Silco glares, “it’s jarring how we do things.”

“Yeah I don’t,” Vi says. Remembering how much she and Silco are strangers, “I got caught up in the moment,” she says. Silco is quiet but it’s still Vander she forces out the words to, “she was really happy.”

It’s hard to think about Caitlyn’s surprised, happy sound and how she pressed into the kiss. How Vi wanted to pull her closer until her body rebelled. It was like her gut knew something her brain was trying to push away. But now she can see it clearer as she sits there and drums her fingers on the glass. She got caught up in the moment but Caitlyn thought she was hearing her. That this was the door to something new. Vi wishes that it was. She’s stunned at the betrayal that runs through her body, like it’s against her. Something in the back of her head squirms and whispers that this must be how Caitlyn felt when she started the tattoo. Thinking one thing and then another happens and you have no control over it. The guilt squirms at her. It fees like those fights she got into as a kid. Punching felt good in the moment but it left you with bruises and stinging flesh. If she was honest, really honest, she was glad when the gangs started to go. When fighting became less and less necessary. She just didn’t realize how at war she was with herself. The Enforcer thing still sits like a lump in her stomach, but she can see her hand in the reason it’s there. How her hurt and anger and actions pushed it so Caitlyn felt like it was the only thing she had. Of course she would cling to it. Of course Vi made it more important when she should have done the opposite. The guilt burns in her throat until she hears the sound of paper ripping and a pen is put in front of her. 

“You should write it down.”

Vi looks over at Silco. He’s forever writing in one of his notebooks. She glances at Vander who gives her an encouraging nod and scoots her glass over a seat in an invitation for privacy. Vi scoots over and picks up the pen. She looks down at the paper and tries not to feel stupid. Nothing else has worked though. She glances back at Vander and Silco as they pretend not to look at each other. As Vander begins to polish the bar again and Silco’s fingers trace the same pattern on his knee under the bar. They took out each other’s eyes. There has to be something to it. And even if there isn’t—Vi’s desperate enough to try. It feels stupid to just write out her feelings. So she puts the pen to the paper and begins to write to the only person it makes sense to tell. 

Dear Mom—

Chapter Text

The letter arrives by courier. 

It’s in the thick stationary she knows from the Kirammans and sealed with navy wax. Vi strains to see the signet and her heart stutters when she sees it’s Cassandra’s seal. It drops even lower when she sees that it’s not addressed to her. The courier hands it to Vander and Vi is shocked how everything in her screams to grab it. Vander takes it and the courier nods, turns and departs in a precise series of movements. Vi grips the handle of the mop and watches as Vander cracks the seal. He undoes the complicated series of folds and begins to read. Vi watches his eyes scan the writing. Her heart is thudding in her ears as she tries to see what is written within the reflection of his false eye. She can’t. She also can’t interpret anything from the way he reads it. His face is carefully blank. Until finally he lowers the letter and wipes his hand across his face. 

“Well?” Vi erupts when she cannot take it a minute longer. Vander looks at her and Vi stares back at him, “what does it say?”

“It’s nothing bad,” Vande says, “mostly it’s about Pow—“ he moves the letter to the side when she steps forward, “Counselor Kiramman wants us know she’s still welcome to stay over before big tests and all that. Caitlyn said so.”

Vi nods, Caitlyn’s angry words ringing in her ears. No, not just angry. Hurt. She was hurt. Vi knew Caitlyn was lonely and she had a big hand in that. Kids in Piltover just didn’t get bruised. Or if they did the bruises were carefully tended to. They did not last long. They weren’t added to. There was enough food and medicine to go around and people in Caitlyn’s social circle, they just didn’t get hurt like that. Caitlyn being perpetually injured, sick or worrying about Vi being injured or sick made her a social outcast. A misfit. She said it didn’t matter and maybe it didn’t matter a lot, but it was still hard to realize when she was up there. Those kids had no right to look at Caitlyn like they did. Or say the things they did. Vi’s ears ring with that idiot’s words from the Inventor’s Ball. How it felt so good to make sure he couldn’t look in the mirror without remembering why he had all those bruises. People up there sucked. Especially people their age. But Caitlyn had been happy around them. Which was why Vi had wanted her to come back down to the Drop. It never occurred to her that Caitlyn would think them fighting meant she wasn’t welcome. Whenever there was a fight among them, no-one ever thought that. Even when Powder and Mylo had been yelling at each other until they were red faced and crying, no-one thought they weren’t welcome. But Caitlyn doesn’t have siblings. And her closest friend when they met was Jayce. Vi forces herself to focus on Vander who is folding the letter up like the matter is finished. Maybe it is, but Vi can’t stand not knowing. 

“Does it say anything about me?” She asks. 

Vander hesitates and Vi knows that it does. Her mind runs though all the possibilities of what Caitlyn’s mom must think of her. For the past few years, even with things not great between them, Caitlyn’s mom has always treated her with kindness. Vi knows at her worst she could have gotten her who family into trouble with the underbelly of Zaun. Silco would have stopped it, she can see that now, but at the time—she definitely couldn’t see it then. Neither could Vander or Caitlyn’s mom, considering she had made sure all of Vi’s debts were paid. Vi knows Caitlyn didn’t go right home. Between the taste on her tongue and the way someone had wrapped her in their arms, she knows it wasn’t her mom. If only because Caitlyn had sunk into the hug and cried harder—and it had been years since she did that with her mom. Especially where Vi was concerned. The list is small but Vi is willing to bet money it was Mel. Who she also does not want to tangle with. But she can only handle one crisis at a time at the moment and Caitlyn’s mom mentioning her in the letter is the most important one.  The most pressing one. Vi looks at Vander and Vander lets out a breath, rubbing his hand across his face. 

“What—“ she starts.

“It’s nothing bad,” Vander says at the same time but the fact he needs to ease her into it makes her stomach twist, “you’re still welcome but she’d like you to send word if possible so—“

“So Caitlyn won’t be there,” Vi finishes. 

Vander actually hesitates again before shrugging. Vi swallows back the bitter taste in her mouth. It doesn’t say that but what other reason could there possibly be for the request? Caitlyn doesn’t want to see her. And after Vi stormed int her room with desperate explanations spilling from her lips and gave her enough hope to come down to the Drop, she can’t exactly blame her for not wanting her within a hundred feet of her door. Vi knows that’s where her focus should be. But all it is is on teaching Caitlyn how to climb out her window. How excited she had been to do it, how she beamed with pride when Vi said she wasn’t bad at it. How now if Vi shows up unannounced there’s a not insignificant chance Caitlyn would throw herself out the window and all Vi would feel is the slight coldness in her palms. Because now Caitlyn’s shoulders and back are strong and muscled and lowering her entire bodyweight doesn’t take the same effort that it used to. It’s been that way for years at this point. Vi doesn’t know why the idea of Caitlyn doing it suddenly makes her stomach knot. 

Maybe because she could never have imagined her wanting to do it when Vi came over. 

Just like she never imagined Caitlyn driving away after she shouted for her to stop. 

“Maybe it’s for the best right now,” Vander says, “you said it yourself, if Caitlyn came down here you’d probably wind up hurting her. She’s probably got the same worry. Maybe right now you two should take time apart. Sort out your feelings.”

Vi opens her mouth to shoot that down, but all she winds up doing is fiddling with her eyebrow scar until Vander comes to stand in front of her. He picks up the handle of the mop and hands it back to her. Vi can hear the silent advice and nods. He’s right, she knows he’s right. She needs something to do with the nervous energy coursing through her and this—this is as good as any. So she wrings out the mop and turns to the floor, dropping it onto the wood and beginning to work it back and forth across the floor. Cleaning has always been her chore, though now Vander’s been able to hire people to do most of it. Which was weird when Vi first learned about it since it was her job. Kids in Zaun were in a constant war against grime and dust. It’s been years since she had to scrub the floors of the Drop. But this morning she woke up with an itch under her skin and just wanted to do something with her hands. This seemed like a good, mindless task. It is, but Vi can feel she’s about to scratch the floor with the press of the mop as she swipes it angrily across the wood. She doesn’t know why it feels like someone is twisting her guts around their hands at his words. She said them. She doesn’t want to hurt Caitlyn. But the idea of Caitlyn not wanting to be around her—it makes her feel like she’s going to be sick again. 

“I don’t get it,” she blurts out and Vander looks at her. Vi grips the mop handle, “she’s right but—“ she cuts herself off and shakes her head. She expects Vander to prod her into speaking or something. Anything but the long sigh he gives as he jerks his head towards the floors, “yeah,” Vi says in agreement. 

They probably have better answers than either of them.

By the time she’s done, the Drop is shining and ready to open. Vi can feel a momentary flash of pride in how clean everything is. She cleaned up one thing. But the floor doesn’t have the answers she wants. Vander jerks his head up when she puts everything away and moves behind the bar but Vi shakes her head. The ache in her shoulders helps, but It doesn’t help enough. She hasn’t found the answers she’s looking for yet. So maybe someone who comes in tonight might have them. It’s wishful thinking at its finest, but her Soulmate’s mother had to send a letter saying she wasn’t comfortable with Vi staying over in the house. So maybe she’s due for some wishful thinking. She’s never been the best barkeep when it comes to mindlessly listening to people’s problems but she can do it enough. Or she could. She has no idea what she nods to but thankfully Claggor is also there and he manages to talk while Vi just gets them drinks. Claggor doesn’t ask what’s wrong with her but he probably doesn’t have to. None of them know about her realization in the Drop with Vander and Silco, but it doesn’t take much brainpower to figure out when she’s bent up in knots it’s about Caitlyn. How could it be about anything else? Anyone else? Vi puts a frothy beer in front of someone and exhales roughly, drumming her fingers on the bar. 

“Not what I ordered but I’m guessing it’s on the house then.”

Vi sighs and lifts her head up to see Sevika sitting there, the froth clinging to her upper lip before she wipes it off. Vi just looks at her as Sevika looks right back. Sevika and Benzo occupy some weird middle ground as adults who knew her mom. Who were on that Bridge. But they didn’t fall apart the way Vander and Silco did. Then again they didn’t love each other that way. Benzo’s always been the one about healing and building and fixing. That was why Ekko had found his shop more comforting than Vander’s bar. Sevika was about protecting. She never stopped fighting. Not like Vander tried to. Vi gets that too. She likes Sevika usually. Even if every time she sees her arm, Vi remembers that she and Caitlyn are a big pat of the reason why it’s like that. All of them are, according to Sevika. Which is why her money’s no good here. Not even when the drinks are right. She likes Sevika but she’s not thrilled when she stares her down in that way of hers. The one that makes Vi talk or punch. She also knows damn well that there’s one reason Vi has that look on her face. Vi sighs and drums her fingers on the bar, glancing at Claggor who shrugs and nods. They aren’t supposed to take drinks outside but the fire escape is some kind of middle ground and if anyone tried to stop Sevika—well no-one tries to stop Sevika. She also doesn’t let Vi have the realizations Vander does, she doesn’t ease her into anything. The moment they’re out of sight Vi gets a light smack no the back of her skull. 

“What was that for?!” She demands.

“Whatever you’re about to tell me,” Sevika says, “this is terrible,” she adds, setting the beer glass to the side, “well?”

“Did my mom say anything to you before the Bridge?” Vi asks instead. Sevika’s eyes narrow. Vi shrugs and drums her fingers on the railing, “about my Soulmate?”

“Yeah that you’d be fine if she was,” Sevika says unhelpfully. Vi sighs and Sevika’s glare looks almost concerned, “why are you asking about that?”

“Because I want to know!” Vi says loudly. Sevika raises her eyebrows and she folds her arms, “I thought it didn’t matter anymore,” Vi says, looking down at Zaun’s streets, “but—“

Sevika swears under her breath and pulls out one of her cigars, lighting it up. The smell makes Vi’s nose wrinkle but Sevika blows the smoke off to the side. Vi doesn’t understand how she can enjoy those things, though she smokes a lot less these days. Only when things are stressful. In a way Vi is almost glad to see the cigar. She’s glad to see that someone also finds this stressful enough to crack and look annoyed instead of jus trying to support and help. Vi rubs the back of her neck and watches as Sevika rubs her face like Vander does. She’s quiet for a long moment before swearing again. Sevika folds her arm, catching her cloak against her chest as she leans against the fire escape and looks back at the Last Drop.

“We were hoping you wouldn’t remember,” Sevika says, “you could be like the others,” she blows smoke out of the side of her mouth, “you’re not supposed to remember shit like that. Not when you’re a kid.”

Vi wonders why she feels guilty that she remembers. It must show on her face because Sevika swears again. 

“Look if you’re asking me how to carry the bad shit, I’m not the person,” she says. Vi opens her mouth and Sevika fixes her with a glare, “shit happens.”

Vi opens her mouth again before slamming it shut in annoyance. Whatever desire brought her out here with Sevika isn’t quelled by her words. Vi tightens her grip on the railing and finally drags her gaze upwards. It’s not the best place to see Piltover, but you can see it well enough. Especially with the air clean. Vi wonders how often her mother stood and did the same thing before she even had a memory of it. In her memories her mother smiles up at the city and they make up things about her Soulmate. Vi always thought it was for her benefit, but now she can imagine her mother saying the stories to herself too. Reminding herself that someone up there loved Vi. Was important to Vi. She went to the Bridge to fight but she also wouldn’t do anything that could have soured their relationship. Her mother had hope that one day they would meet, even if she couldn’t figure out how. And even before they met, some part of her mother had accepted Caitlyn’s importance. Even without knowing who she was. Just the chance one of her parents might be on that Bridge was enough to make her mother go unarmed. Just on the slight chance Caitlyn would hate her for what her mother did. And Vi had made that fear come true. The guilt of it makes her eyes sting with angry tears no matter how she tries to push them back. 

“Look—“ Sevika starts again and then cuts herself off, “you gotta decide what matters to you.”

“I know what matters to me,” Vi argues. Sevika raises an eyebrow, “I know,” Vi repeats, “but I keep acting like an idiot.”

“Then maybe you don’t know,” Sevika says, “you’re young. You have time.”

Vi shakes her head, not trusting her voice. Caitlyn’s the one who would know what to say and have people think she was alright. Her voice would sound steady. She hates when people say she’s young. She doesn’t feel young. She feels old in a way that makes some part of her ache. Especially when she looks up at Piltover. A few years ago she had the anger to distract her. The guilt was there too but she ignored it. She focused on the pain and the anger and that got her through. Barely. Vi scrubs her face with her hands. It didn’t get her through. She knows that. It didn’t get her through it just made things bearable. Until they weren’t and she was having panic attacks in the middle of the bar. Vi goes back to gripping the railing for all she’s worth and glaring down at the street below. It’s like she can picture Caitlyn watching from Piltover even though she knows that’s not true. Caithlyn’s hands are wrapped around a wam cup of tea. Because when she’s upset she gets cold. But she refuses to bundle herself up because then people will know she’s upset. Caitlyn isn’t watching but Vi feels almost desperate for her to be watching. Like she could somehow see that Vi was upset too if she just looked down. 

“She said I was pushing myself,” Vi spits, “I hate that she was right.”

“So what the hell happened?” Sevika asks. 

“We argued,” Vi says, “I convinced her to come back down here so we could—“ she shakes her head, “she has my tattoo on her Enforcers license. She got it so she would see it every time she pulled it out.”

“So you talked and she said something meaningful and then what?”

“Then I kissed her and panicked.”

“While kissing her?”

Vi looks at Sevika who stares her down until she gives the smallest nod she can manage. Embarrassment burns through her as soon as she says the words to her. It’s not like Vi is some blushing, inexperienced virgin—it’s just that she’s never really been interested in romancing anyone who wasn’t her Soulmate. Who was ever going to compare to the person who saved her life a million times before they met? Vi had tried once but it felt wrong. Like everything else these days. Or for a while, if she was being honest. If she was being honest things had felt wrong in one way or another from the moment Caitlyn showed up in the blue training uniform and Vi said the first thought she had. She thought she could will herself back to before that moment, but if she thinks about something had been off even before then. Especially with how excited Caitlyn looked to show he the uniform. Vi tries to think about when things shifted. But it’s so hard to pinpoint an exact time or place or action. She coughs when Sevika blows a plume of smoke that the breeze pushes towards her instead of away. Sevika shifts their positions and joins her against the railing looking at the ground. 

“Do you ever think about it?” Vi asks.

“The Bridge? Usually Jericho opens those damn pepper crates. The Cannery? Sometimes when I get the phantom pains. Sometimes I still wake up in those damn mines when the power cuts out,” she says, “but those are places. They don’t rule my life. I cross that damn Bridge nearly every day. And it was hard until it wasn’t.”

“I hate that Bridge,” Vi mutters. 

“I’d hate it too if I was stuck there,” Sevika says. Vi cringes, “that was the thing that used to piss me off with Vander. How he walked away from it just like that,” she says.

Vi knows she and Powder are the reason. That Vander walked off the bridge to save them. To make sure they got to live and grow. But on the worst days, Vi swears he left her behind. That he walked away with Powder and she’s still on her knees weeping. The old nightmares from her time apart from Cailtyn echo in her mind. Caitlyn’s face twisted with rage and grief. The way she barely even looked back as she climbed up the ladder and left Vi sobbing on the ground. She left, Vander only carried Powder away. Caitlyn went after Powder. Vi drowned and hurt and drowned again until she forgot which way was up. The nightmares just pound in her skull as she grips the railing and inhales the lingering smoke from Seika’s cigar. Her lungs burn with it but they already feel like they’re on fire as the worst case scenario thumps in her skull. She’s cold and alone and in pain. She’s like the kids her age who died, some of them didn’t even know they were sick. She doesn’t remember a lot but she remembers the way Vander would bounce her on his knee and say her mom was going to be right back. And then there would just be the sound of weeping from someone who had lost their kid. Vi hadn’t understood. She had just been afraid of the sound. All those kids died and she lived because of her Soulmate. 

“I hate it and I can’t leave it,” Vi says finally, “and I can’t figure out why.”

“Maybe you’re not supposed to just leave it,” Sevika says, “maybe you’re supposed to cross it,” Vi frowns and Sevika shrugs, “like I said, you gotta figure out what you want.”

Vi nods but a moment later she has to dip as Sevika throws a punch at her. Her body shifts from the turmoil to making sure she’s not about to add bruises. Caitlyn is cold and miserable, how is she supposed to add to that? She ducks around the next blow before she throws her block up and catches Sevika’s prosthetic. The sleeve she wears to hide the intricate metalwork is impossibly made. It echoes the ink she had on the arm that was ravaged and the leather has been tanned to a near approximation of her skin. Only the faint humming from the motors tells her that anything is not flesh. Which is why even when Vi has her blocked, Sevika’s arm rotates impossibly and suddenly Vi has her back against the railing. Sevika’s flesh hand is on her shoulder. Adrenaline is coursing through her, but the hit of it is enough to quiet the turmoil and focus her thoughts. Vi’s eyes dart to the prosthetic and then back to Sevika’s strong gaze. But her eyes are up and Vi arches her neck to look at Piltover. Sevika chuckles and pulls her forward. 

“So why are you fighting it?” She asks. 

“I’m not, this is!” Vi says, motioning to her body. Sevika glares, “it feels like they want two different things! I don’t know!” She finally gives in and drags her fingers through her hair, “I just want things to make sense again,” Sevika huffs, “why is that so bad?”

“You can’t go back,” Sevika says. Vi glares at her toes, “okay, look, when would you go back to? When was the last time things made sense? Don’t think hard just first time that comes to mind,” she says and then swears again. 

“Graduation,” Vi blurts out the first thing that comes to mind. That catches Sevika off guard and Vi would enjoy her surprised look under any other circumstances. But not these, “the last time that anything made sense was her graduation.”

Vi tries to think of any time in the past few years but graduation is the thing that keeps coming to mind. Even with all the Enforcers around them, what made sense was the way Caitlyn’s arms locked around her and she hugged her back. The way Caitlyn dropped her new badge and Vi covered it with her foot so it wouldn’t get lost. It was that moment when it felt like they finally understood each other again. And then everything had fallen apart all over again but there was that moment. She hadn’t panicked then. Neither had Caitlyn. They had sunk into the embrace and everything else had fallen away. It could have just been them on that stage for all that anyone else mattered in that moment. The more she thinks about it, Vi realizes she’s not sure she and Caitlyn have embraced like that in years. They definitely haven’t talked like they should have. Vi shakes her head as if that can rearrange her thoughts and looks over at Sevika. 

“How do you separate Shoola from the Council?” Vi asks. 

“I don’t,” Sevika says, “she doesn’t separate me from all this,” she says, motioning around, “we are who we are. We did what we did.”

“But—“ Vi cuts herself off, knowing she’s just going to repeat herself and piss Sevika off. 

“Okay we’re going in circles,” Sevika says, “you want that you gotta go to your dads. They love that shit,” she says. Vi scratches the back of her neck, “you two need to talk.”

“No I need to listen,” Vi says, “she was mad I kept making decisions for both of us.” Shockingly Sevika doesn’t even look surprised. She just nods, “what?”

“You’ve been taking care of Powder her whole life,” Sevika says, “Caitlyn helped you do it but it’s not like she was here. Your dad always took the extra shifts so your mom could be there—“ her face twists—“Gods know your other dads aren’t exactly splitting chores,” despite it being ‘gross’, Sevika grabs the beer and slams it back, “you have no idea what having a partner is like.”

“Well neither does she!” Vi shoots back. 

‘So then you’re both idiots,” Sevika says. Vi glares and Sevika chuckles, “I’m not allowed to call her an idiot?”

“She’s not,” Vi defends.

Sevika laughs loudly. She looks at Vi and shakes her head. Vi can feel her face burning as she tries to think of the next thing Sevika is going to say. As she tries to remind herself that coming out here was her idea, that she needs something from Sevika or she wouldn’t be here. Besides after she decked that idiot at the Inventor’s Ball it’s not like it’s a great secret she hates Caitlyn being insulted. Even though Caitlyn has said those words don’t matter, Vi knows they still hurt some part of her. It feels like Vi’s fault that there’s anything to insult in the first place. If it’s not bruises she’s caused, it’s the heartache. She’s the one who made Caitlyn feel like the uniform was the only thing that she had because she didn’t have her Soulmate’s support. If Vi wants to defend her from what really hurts, the culprit is there every time Vi looks in the mirror. If Caitlyn were here she would be way more upset about what Vi said than Sevika calling her an idiot. She probably wouldn’t even be focusing on Sevika to begin with. Vi scratches her neck again. Actually if Caitlyn was here and overheard someone call Vi an idiot, Vi can just imagine her reaction. Or what it would have been. The fact that she’s not sure what it would be now feels so profoundly wrong it nearly makes her knees buckle. 

“But why did it have to be being an Enforcer?” Vi demands. Sevika raises an eyebrow at the abrupt shift in the conversation, “she knows what they did to us,” she says, “even if we figured all the other shit out then what? I’m dating a Blue Belly?”

“If you figured the other shit out, you’d be dating a Kiramman,” Sevika says, “her family pays the Enforcers—“

“That’s different.”

“How?”

“Because she can’t choose her family!” Vi says, “she chose this! She knew what it would do to me and she chose it anyway. Who does that?” 

Sevika is quiet for a moment as Vi listens to the thud of her heart in her ears. The hurt roars up and it feels like it’s going to choke her. She looks at Sevika’s face as she glowers ahead, the cigar back in her lip. Vi half hopes Sevika is just going to shove her over the balcony and put them all out of their misery. But Sevika doesn’t do anything like that. She blows out smoke and then looks at her, stubbing out the cigar. 

“Yeah, you’re right,” Sevika says. Vi feels her heart pick up even more, “I need a real drink,” she mutters and glances up at Vi, “you’re right,” she repeats, “she chose to hurt you. You can’t date a Blue Belly and you sure as hell couldn’t date a Kiramman. You’ll find some nice girl down here and she’ll find one up there—“ Vi feels nauseous, “and you’ll figure out how to be cordial so we don’t have a fucking war.”

“That’s not—“ she starts.

“Kid there’s a reason I didn’t take any of you in after the bridge,” Sevika cuts in, “this is for you and your dads to torture yourselves over.”

“But your Soulmate’s on the Council,” Vi blurts out, “and you—“ she feels foolish as she forces the words out, “you got over it.”

This time there’s no care or humor when Sevika turns on her. Vi’s hands automatically ball into fists as Sevika draws herself up and glares down at her. It feels like when Vander yelled at her, only now Vi is painfully alone. But this is the Sevika who fought alongside the Hound. The one who scared people just by glaring at them. She’s spilled her bodyweight in blood ten times over. It takes everything to stare her back as she glares down at her. 

“Stay here,” she snaps. Vi looks at her blankly, “that’s what your mom said. She told you to stay there and protect Powder. Not to come onto the Bridge. Did you think about that when you didn’t listen?”

“I had to see—“

“You knew it would hurt her if you did. You knew it was her last wish. Did it matter?” Sevika questions. 

“I—“

“Or did you only think about seeing if you could help? Like you begged when she said it?” Vi slams her jaw shut, “you weren’t supposed to be on the Bridge, Vi!”

“I know!” Vi shouts back, shoving her aside. She takes a deep, shaky breath, but it’s hard to force the air into her lungs. Her mom had been so clear but Vi couldn’t do it. She couldn’t stay put. She couldn’t even think to leave Powder there. Vi takes another breath, “I was old enough—“ she remembers the panicked protest when it became clear that begging for her mom to stay wasn’t going to work. How hopeless it felt when it was clear that nothing was going to work, “I was right,” she croaks out, “I saved you guys.”

And if she had gotten there sooner, she could have saved more. 

Like her parents. 

She’s always known it, but saying it has never actually happened. She doesn’t know how to say it. If they had listened then the Kirammans would have known she was there in time to stop the Enforcers. Like they did when they realized she was there. She was just as late as they were. Vi doesn’t swallow the lump in her throat. There’s a tentative feeling at her ribs that makes the guilt roar up even worse. Vi shudders with the threat of sobs as the feeling on her ribs happens again. Suddenly she wants nothing more than to be up in the Kiramman mansion crawling into Caitlyn’s bed. But that’s also been taken. Vi tells herself it wouldn’t feel the same but it doesn’t quell the desperate desire pounding through her. She’s shocked when Sevika comes to stand next to her again instead of going off like she was threatening. 

“Your mom—“

“I know she’d forgive me,” Vi says. Sevika nods, “what if I can’t forgive Caitlyn?” She looks down at her forearms, “what if Caitlyn can’t forgive me?” Her stomach twists, “I keep going to you guys and hoping someone has the magic words that’s going to make this make sense—“ she hangs her head miserably, “but there’s nothing. It just keeps hurting.”

The light pressure around her middle is the last thing she’s expecting. 

It’s so light she almost misses it. She would miss it, if some part of her hadn’t been waiting for it. Hoping for it. The misery and relief churn together and make her eyes water. The light pressure just stays there for a moment longer before quickly vanishing. It’s so different from the hugs they used to exchange, from the tight arms wrapped around their middles so the other would know. But it was there all the same. Faint and light and gone before she was ready, but it was there. A moment later Sevika’s hand settles on her shoulder. 

“Your mom would forgive you,” Sevika says, “she loved you girls unconditionally. But she wouldn’t want this for you.”

“I know,” Vi whispers. She looks at Sevika, “I really wish she was here.”

“Me too, kid,” Sevika says. 

Vi feels her lip tremble as the grief washes over her. She’s lucky, she has so much love around her, but there’s a hole that she can’t fill. Her mom will never see her get married or have babies of her own. She’ll never meet Caitlyn or learn that Powder and Ekko were Soulmates the whole time. There’s so many people she could blame for her death and none of it makes her feel better. None of it helps. It feels like training exercise with the gas ripped apart all the things she had that made life bearable. It took away the coping. It forced her to feel the grief. And Vi’s just been trying to stuff that giant hole closed and pretend it’s not there. Sevika isn’t the person she would go to to cry but that doesn’t stop her from shoving her face into her shoulder as the grief crashes through her. No more than it stops Sevika from pulling her close so tightly Vi can’t even feel if Caitlyn is touching her through the bond. She cries so hard Sevika practically has to carry her to her room. She drags the blanket around her and squeezes her shoulder a final time before leaving. But Vi can feel the same light pressure around her middle again. Nothing has changed, everything still feels like a complete mess in her head, but the only thing that feels like it’s keeping her together is the light pressure through the Bond. When she wraps her arms around herself tightly, the press is instantly firmer. She knows that Caitlyn can feel it. Even after everything Vi did, Caitlyn wraps her arms around her in the only way she can. 

“Vi?” She hears Powder’s sleepy voice before she comes inside, “do you want anything?” 

Vi tries to think about the blue uniform. 

About mom. 

But all she feels are the arms wrapped around her middle. 

“Caitlyn.“

Powder makes a soft noise as Vi forces the name out and scrambles into bed, adding to the arms that are holding her. It feels like the floodgates have been unlocked and Vi has no idea if she’s crying for herself, for Caitlyn or her mom or the mess that they’re in. Maybe it’s some combination of everything as it finally overwhelms her. But Caitlyn holds her in Piltover and Powder holds her in Zaun and for the first time, it doesn’t feel like either place matters. What matters are the two blue haired women who hold her no matter what she does. Who have her heart and have from the moment they were born. She was there first, but she didn’t live until they came into the world.

She needs them.  

As much as they need her. 

That’s what’s always mattered. 

More than anything. 

Chapter Text

Caitlyn wakes with a sore stomach. 

At fist she thinks that it’s an echo of VI’s sobbing. That is bad enough. But when she tries to sit up, the world lurches on its axis and she has to put her head back down. Her eyes move towards the window, half expecting Vi to be there tapping on the glass. But the only thing she sees are the trees outside and the overcast sky. Caitlyn reaches up and tugs the tie of her bed curtains, pulling the fabric over just enough to shield her from the view of the window. It hurts too much to see it empty and to remember who she’s longing to be there. That’s never going to happen again. Vi has no reason to climb through her window. No more than Sheriff Grayson has a reason to climb through her mother’s window. The thought of both things being wrong makes Caitlyn’s sore stomach clench. But her mind has grabbed the thought like it’s a clue on a case. She tries to push it out of her head but her head has no more interest in listening than her heart does. She thinks of Vi’s voice saying ‘Counselor Kiramman’ but it’s older. Scratchier. She says it with a nod like they’re strangers and Caitlyn returns the nod out of politeness. Her mind builds the picture out to Vi with an older face. It’s hard to picture her with anyone else but Caitlyn can picture her with a pile of nieces and nephews. All of them love her. The world loves her. But Vi is blind to it. Surrounded by all the love except unable to figure out the love that she wants. It’s a torturous thought, one made only worse by what Caitlyn knows is her own fate. Her fingers curl in the pillow as she swears she’ll make sure that she and her wife are on the same page about where they stand. How there will always be a part of Caitlyn that she cannot touch. Caitlyn will be able to give her everything. All the riches, the power, the influence. She’ll give her everything. 

Everything except her heart. 

Caitlyn shoves the feeling aside and tries to remind herself this was always a possibility. She had tried to prepare for it. Vi had needed her help and she had given it gladly. Falling in love with her—she couldn’t help it. But she had to be practical and know that her love was only one thing. She would not be the first Soulmate to be in love with her Soulmate without the feelings being reciprocated. Or they could be reciprocated and things could not work out for any number of reasons. Her mother loved her Soulmate, Sheriff Grayson loved her mother an it hadn’t worked out. They were too alike. Their passion got in the way of duty. A duty Caitlyn had always felt called towards. Her mother’s bittersweet smile now makes so much more sense as Caitlyn tries to fight the spinning in her head and the lump in her throat. Deep down Caitlyn knows that Vi loves her. She knows they can build on that love to have a respectful partnership that works for both of them. But that knowledge doesn’t help the pain in her chest. It’s shameful how little Vi loving her like that matters when Caitlyn loves her so differently. When she wants something from her that Vi can’t give. There’s a painful irony in it that becomes embarrassingly clear as Caitlyn lays there. She has everything someone could want. The houses, the wealth, the privilege, the power—and none of it matters. None of it will get her the only thing she really wants. 

She wants her Soulmate. 

The one person who doesn’t want her back. 

Caitlyn is masterful at limiting her tears, she always has been. Crying quietly and softly is an art. She learned it out of necessity as a child. How could she possibly add to the burdens of her Soulmate with her own fears and grief? How could she add to it when she had so much and Vi had so little? So she had learned to weep without gasping for air, to sob without the clenching of her stomach. She cried enough on the car ride home. And even if Vi has broken her heart, the ache in her stomach tells her Vi is crying enough for both of them. Guilt clenches in Caitlyn’s gut. Of course she’s crying. How could she not be? Caitlyn protected herself when Vi was upset. She told her guard to keep driving. She was selfish. Vi deserved so much better. Caitlyn had always told herself that she would be there for Vi no matter what. She would help and support her. She wouldn’t expect anything in return, not when she had so much and Vi had so little. Soulmates were supposed to share everything. Vi’s victories were supposed to be hers and vice versa. That was how it was supposed to go. Everything she read, all her research before meeting Vi, it all said that. Her mother and Sheriff Grayson both benefitted from the Soulmate Bond, even if they couldn’t be together. How many hours had she spent looking at the photo of her mother giving Sheriff Grayson the badge? Or of Sheriff Grayson escorting her mother to the council chamber that first day? She wanted that so badly. She thought Vi wanted it too.

So why did it hurt so much?

Why wasn’t she strong enough for the pain?

Caitlyn lets out a steady breath. She is strong enough. She knows she is. But she’s also exhausted. Giving everything she could do in so many ways, but not this. Vi is in so much pain and she is just making it worse. The saddest part is how much she wants to stand there and let Vi hurt her. The part is hard to swallow. Some part of her still wants to give Vi everything. Every torn piece of her heart, every fragment of her soul. Even knowing Vi would rip it up and spit it back out at her. They would both be standing there with covered in hurt and blood. Destined to repeat the cycle their families had been trapped in for so long. Vi could continue to hurt her and she could let her, but in the end they will both just be shattered. Like the fissures Vi grew up in. What kind of life is that? Caitlyn squeezes her eyes shut at the roll of Vi’s stomach. Even just kissing her has sent Vi into such a spiral. She’s been sick and sobbed so hard every part of Caitlyn aches or is swollen. Even though she knows that she should not be interacting with the Bond right now, she couldn’t just let it happen like that. There will be time to put distance between them, to hopefully dull the sensations like her mother and Grayson have managed. She’s been holding on so tightly she hasn’t let the Bond falter. But now that she understands, now that she finally is on the same page as Vi, maybe it can ease. In the meantime if it helps Vi at all while she lets her go, she’ll hug herself. She’ll help however Vi will let her—just as long as she doesn’t have to see her. Caitlyn doesn’t know if she can bear that while she’s accepting this. 

“Caitlyn?” Caitlyn sniffles and turns as her mother enters, a tray in her own hands and a steaming bowl of congee on it, “I thought this might help.”

“Thank you,” Caitlyn croaks. Her mother sighs and sets the tray down, reaching out and pressing the back of her hand against her forehead, “it’s not too bad.”

Caitlyn ducks her head and nods. She can see the concern and frustration on her mother’s face. It makes her feel the same guilt as always. She knows her mother has always wanted her to have a gentle life. One befitting the heir to the Kiramman name. Vi always joked that she was conceived on accident and born unexpectedly, but her parents figured it out. Caitlyn—Caitlyn was planned for. Longed for. Prayed for. ‘Caitlyn Kiramman’ had existed on a slip of paper from before her mother was even able to have children. The idea of her had always been there. Long before her father came into the picture, long before her mother knew her pregnancy would last. The idea of the next heir always starts when the current heir is ready to take the mantle. Caitlyn knows there’s a list of acceptable names for her daughter somewhere, but the last time it was brought up she screamed she would eat it if they showed it to her. She felt Vi try chewing on paper to ward off hunger pains, she knew you could do it. Wisely her grandmother never brought it up again. Neither did her mother. Now Caitlyn imagines it will come up eventually. Now that she told her mother she and Vi were through. Her mother sent the letter adjusting the relationship, like she did when Caitlyn ruined her and Vi the first time. Another act of selfishness that makes the congee hard to swallow. But she forces it down. She cannot worry her mother more. Not on top of everything else. 

“Did you hear from Vander?” She asks. 

“It’s been worked out,” her mother says, “don’t worry about that now.”

Caitlyn nods looking down at the bowl. She can’t taste it as she eats. But she’s forced food down worse than a throat tight with tears and an upset stomach. Practice. This will just take practice. She can do it. She knows she can. Caitlyn goes through the methodical motions of getting the food down. Vi doesn’t need it now. But she knows if she doesn’t eat her mother will worry. So Caitlyn gets the bowl down and sets it aside under her watchful gaze. Her mother is quiet and doesn’t force her to talk. She didn’t force her to explain her request or why she was so devastated she could not even come home that first night. Caitlyn is grateful to not be pushed. She’s not sure she could stand it right now. Even without feeling so miserable. To her shame, tears begin to fill her eyes again as she thinks of the kiss and the panic that echoed through the bond. All her promises of standing the pain for Vi fade as she feels her throat tighten again. The tray is moved to the side and her mother wraps her arm around her, heedless of the fact that she might get sick. Caitlyn sinks into the embrace. Even though she knows she should stay strong. Enforcers don’t just cry in the arms of their mothers. They are supposed to protect and help people. But the person that Caitlyn wants to protect and help the most is the one who doesn’t want it. Who will never want it from her like Caitlyn wants to give. Her mother holds her tightly as Caitlyn battles back against the tears as much as she can. 

“Let it out,” her mother says softly and Caitlyn shakes her head, pressing her fingertips under her eyes, “Caitlyn—“

“No,” Caitlyn says, “this is—“ she stops herself, “I’ll be fine. This is good. Vi and I are on the same page now. She doesn’t feel the same way. She was forcing herself but—“ she takes a breath, “that's not fair to her.”

Her mother says something that sounds like a denial but Caitlyn is too busy swallowing her sobs to hear it clearly. She feels so weak as the emotions swell up again. She is stronger than this. She knows she is. The Bond is still so expansive between them she can tell Vi is asleep. She’s warm and curled up against something soft. Caitlyn focuses on the sensation in her hands and the way her face is shoved into the warmth and softness. But before she can fully guess what it might be she’s distracted by the circles her mother is running on her back. Caitlyn squeezes her eyes shut and fights the urge to beg her not to do that. She has to remind herself that her mother doesn’t know the whole story. Caitlyn was certain she wouldn’t care. Now—now it’s irrelevant. Hearing it won’t change the bad things that happened in the past and worse, it could make her mother bring Vi here. Or it could risk Powder’s patronage. And neither of those things are alright with Caitlyn. She cannot bear to see Vi and she will not risk Powder’s education. Harming her because Caitlyn was foolish enough to fall for her sister who cannot not return her feelings is unacceptable to Caitlyn. Powder has suffered just as much as Vi in the world that Zaun used to be. She only found those crystals because she saw food in Jayce’s apartment. She had wanted a sandwich, not the power to blow up the world. Caitlyn focuses on the unpleasant feeling of her back being rubbed and grounds herself with it, finally wiling herself back under control. She knows she’s succeeded when the hand stops and settles on her shoulder. 

“We’ll come to an agreement,” she says. Her mother’s face is carefully blank and Caitlyn can feel the disappointment pouring off her, “but right now we just—“

“Need some time apart,” she says, covering Caitlyn’s hand with her own.

Caitlyn looks up into her resigned face and nods. Her mother has been here. Like with everything else she did it with more grace and dignity, but she’s sat in her bed tearful over her Soulmate. Caitlyn knows it. Caitlyn knows her mother had faith she could find a way to be with her Soulmate. Caitlyn so badly wanted to pull it off. To do things better. To make he proud of at least this one thing. But she can’t do that if it hurts Vi. Vi’s words from their first conversation after her training ring back in her ear. She hurt Vi. She forced Vi into this position where she would do anything to make the pain stop. And then she just made things worse with every action. But no matter what she did someone else got hurt. Vi, Maddie, her mother, Powder—the list just goes on and on. It’s no wonder Vi did not want her to be part of her family. Even if Caitlyn knows that is tied u in their family’s histories, without that she can still clearly see how she would be a danger to the people Vi loves. Just by breathing, just by being—anything close to this. She’s not strong enough to keep it together all the time. Though she wishes she was. If she was then her mother wouldn’t be looking at her like that. Vi wouldn’t be sobbing so hard her stomach hurt. Caitlyn never should have gone to the Last Drop. She only did because she thought that it was worth a try. Now she can see how foolish that was. She should have stayed here after that argument. Vi was dealing with so much, she should have been more clear-headed about where they stood instead of getting swept up in the moment. 

“It will get easier,” her mother says, “it will be hard to see her again the first few times, but you can build a relationship on mutual respect. You can have fulfilling lives.”

“But not happy ones,” Caitlyn blurts out. 

Her mother looks suddenly so much older. The words are cruel and Caitlyn immediately opens her mouth to apologize, but her mother shakes her head. She lifts her chin and looks at Caitlyn with more grace and dignity than Caitlyn thinks she will ever have. 

“Yes, happy ones,” she says, “it doesn’t feel that way now but you will be happy again,” she says, squeezing Caitlyn’s hand, “this is the worst of it.”

Caitlyn bites her lip and nods. Then she remembers about Vi and tries to let it go. She’s not expecting for her mother to shake her head and cup her cheek, pressing the flat of her thumb gently against her lower lip. Caitlyn is caught off guard and gives her a questioning look. She could get her head free if she wanted to, her mother’s touch is not hard or insistent. Her face softens. Caitlyn is surprised to see how sad her mother looks when they look at each other. It’s the kind of sadness that only comes with first hand experience. Caitlyn has to look down at the blanket over her legs. The thought of having that expression even years from now makes her feel sick. Even though it’s not one she usually sees on her mother’s face. It’s there. It was always there and it always will be. She knows her mother loves her Soulmate but she’s always been clear that they do not work together. Sheriff Grayson always says the same thing. They bring out something in each other that doesn’t align with their values. They could have each other or serve the world, but not both. They chose duty. When she was a girl, Caitlyn thought the sacrifice was the most noble thing she had ever seen. Especially when it came to Sheriff Grayson. She sacrificed everything to serve the people of Piltover and Zaun. And she still carried herself with her head held high. She still got her hands dirty and went down to Zaun where her mother wouldn’t let her set a foot. It was a noble sacrifice. But as she sits in the bed and sees the sorrow on her mother’s face, she knows that’s not all it was. For the first time she understands a little more. Even though she wishes to every God that she didn’t. She never wanted to understand this. Yet another selfish act. She needs to stop those. 

“You cannot make every decision with her in mind,” her mother says softly, “the respect has to go both ways.”

“It does,” Caitlyn lies, but the tremble of her voice gives away the falsehood, “she’s hurting,” Caitlyn says. 

“Oh my sweet girl,” her mother sighs, “so are you."

Caitlyn feels her lip about to tremble again and has to force a normal breath out of her lungs. It’s good advice, Caitlyn knows that somewhere in her head but following it with everything else crashing down feels impossible. Her mother might as well bring the entire pot of congee and ask her to eat it in one mouthful. Both tasks feel the same level of possible as she sits there. Her mother cups her cheek with such tenderness. Everyone she loves handles her tenderly. Everyone except the one person she desperately wants to treat her that way. Caitlyn shakes aside the thoughts. She cannot put her own comfort ahead of Vi’s. She cannot even make the two things equal. Not while Vi is in this state. Maybe one day. Her chest aches as she thinks about how much time she has to practice. To figure out how to live with Vi at an arm’s length. To see where they both stand without the idea of things growing or getting better between them. That sense of belonging will be an undercurrent as they find other places they belong. And if they are lucky they will build something like her mother and Sheriff Grayson have. But Caitlyn knows that has to be something they both want. And from the way Vi has been weeping, she doubts that’s the case. Not right now. Caitlyn swallows back the knot in her throat and takes another studying breath. 

“I’m going to be fine,” she says.  

She knows her mother sees through the words but she lets her have them. Maybe it’s the fever, maybe Mel said something to her, maybe she just knows the particular heartbreak Caitlyn is feeling. But either way, she lets her have the words. She lets her say them and she does not contradict them. Caitlyn almost repeats them to herself but she tries not to. Things are more believable when you say them once. Otherwise it sounds like they aren’t true and you are trying to convince someone of a falsehood. Being fine feels like one, but it has to be true. There is no other option, no matter how much she wishes that there was. Her mother picks up the tray and Caitlyn slides back under her covers, looking at the sliver of window that is still visible. 

“Mother?” She asks, “could you untie the curtains?”

“Of course,” she says.

She quickly undoes the knots, letting them fall and tugging them into place with a quick motion. It’s been years since Cailtyn asked for that. Since they were down at all. But her mother grants her dignity and privacy. Maybe that was how she learned to put on the mask Caitlyn sees her wield. Maybe that’s how all Kiramman women learn to do it. Sitting in bed with the curtains pulled around and their broken hearts in their chests. Maybe it’s something you cannot learn how to do until you feel this. Caitlyn tries to grip that and draw strength from it, but the idea that she isn’t the first one to go through this makes her throat tighten. The Kiramman’s are a dynasty. The women in her family have laid in this bed with their broken hearts and figured out how to continue on. The thought makes her sad as she looks up at the darkened ceiling, as tears slip down her temples. All the riches in the world and they still wind up here. One after the other. Some day her own daughter will be here and that is the hardest thought to swallow. She was a fool to think she was lovable. A fool to think things could ever have worked between them.

Vi was right. 

And in the safety of her bed as she curls up around herself and hugs her knees to her chest, Caitlyn thinks she was right about the things she said when Caitlyn first showed up in the blue. It would have been easier if she had blown them up when they were fourteen. Before Caitlyn had a chance to ruin everything. Before they wound up here. Caitlyn hugs her knees tighter and closes her eyes. The Enforcers have techniques for helping you sleep quickly in situations where it’s hard. Caitlyn uses all of them. Between the practice and the fever, she’s somehow able to will herself into sleep. It helps that every time she opens her eyes, all she sees is the dark violet of her bed curtains.  She does not want to look at anything violet so closing her eyes is preferable. She thinks at one point she hears footsteps in her room and something sliding across the floor. But the next thing she’s aware of is a crackle from the fire like it’s been freshly fed. Then nothing until her mother gently touches her shoulder to press her hand to her forehead. 

“Your fever’s broken,” she says. Caitlyn nods sleepily, “Powder’s joined us. I just want you to be aware if you’re up for breakfast.”

“Is there something on my floor?” Caitlyn asks. Her mother stands up and looks around before shaking her head, “I thought I heard something.”

“I’ll check with Maddie,” she says, “she was on her shift earlier.”

Caitlyn nods and closes her eyes again, thinking of blue-grey eyes before she forces the thoughts from her head. 

If she dreams about Vi. 

She doesn’t remember. 

That’s a good start. 

Chapter Text

The mug is heavy as she wraps her hands around it. 

She would be embarrassed about being relegated to the stakeout if it wasn’t exactly what she needed. There was something meditative about laying there watching someone else. While she had her gun and her radio, neither was anticipated being used. Caitlyn was glad for that too. As much as she loved her weapon, using it in the Enforcer uniform had never been the most important part to her. It was never what drew her to the job. If anything, the rifle on her back was supposed to be a deterrent. A promise. It was supposed to convince people that she was prepared to use it but that it would be better for all of them if she did not take it down. She had not touched the weapon all night. She simply sat in the car and watched a man who stole sickening amounts of money go about his day. Thankfully he was foolish enough to pull out a paper from his briefcase where she could see it. Where she could take a photograph of it. Hopefully that would be enough to get him caught. Caught properly. So he would not do it again. She could inflict her own economic punishment on him with a word to her mother, but Caitlyn knew he would then go find someone else. Someone who cared less. If they could catch him in the right way, things would be better for all of them. Her fingers tighten around the mug as a shiver works up her spine. Behind her she hears the door close and a moment later a rougher hand is pressed to the back of her forehead. 

“You’re feverish,” Sheriff Grayson says. 

“I’m fine,” Caitlyn replies, glancing behind her to double check the door is shut. When it’s open she has to be the model of an officer. But when it’s closed she can pull her knees up and clutch the mug to her like a lifeline, “I’m just cold.”

“You always are these days.”

Caitlyn bites her lip and looks down at the mug. 

She’s not as wrong as Caitlyn wishes she was. She can’t describe the cold that’s been settled into her bones for months. Years even, if she’s being honest. There’s a certain irony to it considering how much of her childhood was spent pulling on thicker socks and heavier blankets because of the draft in Vi’s house. She kept them both warm, but this is a different kind of cold. One that nothing is going to touch. She can usually keep it away by just not thinking about it. But now it’s impossible to ignore. It always is when there’s a new low in her relationship with Vi. This one feels so final, it’s even worse. For all that her world has been cold, Vi has always been warm. And that warmth can no longer be part of Caitlyn’s life in the way she wants. She has to learn to find it elsewhere. She has to force herself to believe that she will. Until then she’ll just have to make due with tea and not thinking too hard about it. 

“Did my mother tell you?” Caitlyn asks. Sheriff Grayson nods, “I’m alright,” Caitlyn says as firmly as she dares, “I would have requested time off if I wasn’t.”

“I trust you to uphold your oath,” Sheriff Grayson says. Caitlyn nods, “that isn’t what this is about. You had an invitation last night.”

Caitlyn looks down. 

“It was just a stupid party,” she says.

“Caitlyn,” Sheriff Grayson sighs her name. Caitlyn tightens her grip on the mug, “this is what we need to talk about.”

Suddenly Caitlyn wishes that she was back on the stakeout. That would be easier to deal with than hearing whatever is going to come out of Sheriff Grayson’s mouth next. It was some stupid party, but Caitlyn knows it was the first party since she told her mother she needed space from Vi. The first party where there would be no chance that Vi would appear. Even if there was no way for people to know that Caitlyn was there as an eligible bachelorette, she still felt as though she would have a sign over her head announcing it. She does not want to go to parties without Vi. She does not want to hear people whisper about how she lost her Soulmate. In the scheme of things it’s inconsequential. She has endured worse whispers. But those whispers were endurable because she was helping Vi. She did not care what people thought about her when she was off saving Vi’s life. Or finding Sevika’s Soulmate. Or serving the people of Zaun and Piltover in her uniform. She could stand them then. But those things are being chipped away. Caitlyn doesn’t know how to stand those whispers for just herself. Especially not when they concern her sudden availability. She thought she would have until the Inventor’s Ball to cross that bridge. She needs until the Inventor’s Ball to prepare herself, foolish as that might seem. Squeezing her eyes shut she opens them and looks at her mother’s Soulmate. 

“Why?”

Sheriff Grayson gives her a long look at then sighs. 

“As your boss I cannot allow you to use this job to numb yourself,” she says.

“Why not?”

“You know why,” she says. Caitlyn grips the mug tighter. She can feel the out in the air, but she thinks of the way her mother rubbed her back and something in her frays. She opens her mouth but Sheriff Grayson beats her to it, “Caitlyn you’re not a child anymore.”

“I know that,” Caitlyn says. 

“I don’t think you do,” Sheriff Grayson replies, “you are a great Enforcer. That is not up for debate. But this is not your only responsibility.”

Anger twists through her. 

Was she overheard?

Or is it just that obvious?

Caitlyn saw the shock and devastation on Vi’s face when she shouted the uniform was all she had. She shouted it in the middle of her bedroom—the bedroom bigger than most of the places Vi lived. Caitlyn thought that the look on her face was surprise because she had not considered that. But now she can see it was surprise because it was such a foolish thing to say. It was another sign of how impossibly greedy she was. Caitlyn swallows the shame that curls through her. It’s a strange disconnect to feel cold in her bones and heat in her face. Miserably the thought occurs to her that there are other things she will have to get used to. Feeling two things at the same time is going to be her life now. She has to remind herself that she will adjust. She has adjusted before, she will do it again. But the idea is hard to wrap her head around. Cailtyn forces herself to be calm, to make the face she practiced behind her bed curtains. She can do this and until she can, she will at least pretend. Like she pretended throughout training. If she made it through that she can make it through this.  Something like disappointment crosses Sheriff Grayson’s face. Caitlyn swallows and looks down at her hands. Disappointing people she loves seems to be her speciality. She knows that Sheriff Grayson had the same hopes as her mother. That Caitlyn could be better, that she could make it work with her Soulmate. But that isn’t the case. Caitlyn takes a breath and focuses. The flicker of disappointment will have to go on the list of things she needs to adjust to. She can only hope that the sting of all of this eases. Sooner rather than later. 

“I understand,” she says. 

“Caitlyn—“

“I plan on not attending parties until the next Inventors Ball so I have time to prepare,” she says, forcing herself to set the mug down, “I know people will talk but that is the nature of being a Kiramman.”

The last name slips off her lips without thinking. 

Sheriff Grayson presses her lips together and Caitlyn forces herself to watch. 

It’s another ugly truth she’s dragged into the light. 

In this room, in this world, Sheriff Grayson is her superior. She is in charge. She points the rifle, she fires the bullet, she pulls out her gold badge and keeps the city running. But the rifles, the bullets, the gold badges—the polish that Caitlyn rubs into her boots every night—those don’t just appear. They are bought with Kiramman funding. For all her mother disapproves of Caitlyn’s choices, for all the trouble that they caused, Caitlyn knows she is here by her mother’s grace. Everything in this office happens by her mother’s grace. Any doubt she had vanished the day her mother stormed in and ordered everyone out so she could shout at Sheriff Grayson. The fact that it was for training, the fact that everyone went through it, none of it mattered in the heat of the moment. The truth is that none if it ever matters in the heat of the moment. Not when her mother says it doesn’t. Not when their money says it doesn’t. When push comes to shove, if the Kiramman money leaves, then the only thing the Enforcers will be holding is empty air. Vi’s words ring in her ears and her eyes burn with the memory. If the Kiramman money leaves, then who will supply the gas bombs? The thought is cruel when it runs across her mind, but it’s cruel in only he way that a truth can be. Vi was right, they armed the Enforcers. They always arm the Enforcers and that matters more than anything else. It always has and Caitlyn was just too blinded by hope to see the truth of it. She may have felt the sting of the gas and the panic of Vi’s heart. But she had been tucked away in the mansion with the power to stop it. And Vi had been stuck on that bridge staring at her parents corpses. Vi’s mother may have been grateful and hopeful but she would hav been horrified if she knew the full story. 

She would have been horrified to know a Kiramman was her daughter’s Soulmate. 

But that is what Caitlyn is. A Kiramman. It’s all she is, at the end of the day. She’s not ashamed of the fact, no more than she’s ashamed of the fact she likes sour things and her hair is navy. It’s part of who she is. But all of her best memories are when that is the least important part. Or when she thought that it was. Caitlyn has to believe that at some point it was an afterthought. Even just for a little while. Before it roared back up again, before it became the most important thing about her. At the end of the day, Caitlyn knows she has to accept it will always be the most important thing about her. It’s better if she learns to accept that now. Better if she learns to take pride in that now. Because the real truth, the real and horrible truth is that one day she will be the one writing the cheques. One day she will be the one buying the guns and the bullets and the bomb housings. And the shoe polish. She gets to sit at the desk and take orders because her mother has agreed to it. Caitlyn knows she earned the badge and the uniform. She paid for them in blood, sweat and the hope that Vi could love her. They are hers. But long before she earned them, her mother financed them. If Caitlyn is dragging out bitter truths and forcing them down her throat, then that can go on the list. Sheriff Grayson lowers her head for a moment and then she sits back and draws herself up. 

“Desk duty for two weeks.”

“What?! Why?” 

Sheriff Grayson’s eyes flash. 

Caitlyn will one day finance things. 

But not today. 

Today—

“You’re a good officer, Kiramman,” Sheriff Grayson says, “but until I’m certain you’ve adjusted, I can’t have you out in the field unsupervised.”

Caitlyn’s cheeks burn again, even as her body feels cold at the memory. Or the absence of it. Even now it’s easy to remember the way she had held herself straight and tall, clutching at the scrap of dignity that came with earning the badge. She had every right to be on that stage, but everyone knew her Soulmate. Saying that they should not expect hers to be there had stung, even though something still felt right about Sheriff Grayson presenting her with the badge. She told herself no matter what happened, she would stand there like the officer she knew she could be. She had taken the badge for a good reason. She had earned it even as Vi stitched ink into her sore muscles and let her bruises fester. All of it was another test and she had passed it. She could help people. No matter what happened with her and Vi, she could help people and honor her mother. She could make sure if she was ever on a bridge like that, any kids like Vi were ushered to safety. She could be everything Sheriff Grayson stood for. And all she had to do was hold it together as she stood alone on that stage. She was not even the only other officer who stood there. A fair number did not. Including Maddie. Caitlyn barely heard the speeches as she watched someone else slip into the seat she had saved for Vi. All that mattered was getting through the few moments. Then she could get to work. 

But Vi had been there. 

So nervous she had almost walked right past Caitlyn, but she stopped when Caitlyn grabbed her own wrist. Caitlyn had known, even then, that Vi was pushing herself. Her hair was freshly cut, her outfit was carefully chosen, she looked wonderful. Better than she had when they saw each other days ago. From the drastic length change in her hair, better than she had in months. She had gotten dressed up and shown up because she was nothing if not determined. Vi had taught her to jump across rooftops and how to make toast without burning down the house. She taught her what freedom felt like and how to fix the rips in her pants. She taught her what it felt like to to be warm. Vi had gripped that determination and figured out what role the Soulmates had. She had walked across the stage because she decided that they were going to be good. No matter what was going on in her head, she was going to get them there with her willpower alone. Because that was what Vi did. She never operated in half measures. That would be like jumping between roofs without committing to reaching the other side. You threw your all into the jump or you did not attempt it because you would not succeed. So Vi jumped with everything she had in her because that was how she did things. All or nothing. Never in half measures. 

Except when it came to loving her. 

But in that moment Caitlyn let herself believe. When Vi gripped her uniform and buried her face in her shoulder, when she let Caitlyn clutch her back—Caitlyn thought that maybe they could make it to the other side. Maybe Vi could love her and be in love with her. Be with her. Nothing had mattered as much as that bright hope. Not the soreness that stretched across Caitlyn’s shoulders when Vi gripped her uniform. Not the fact that Maddie was standing right there. Not the way Vi was still pale. She was selfish, even back then. Even in that moment. She was so relieved. So thankful—so many things she can’t fully describe. Hopeful. Warm. She knows those things were there, drawing her in like Vi’s embrace always did. She thought it was like settling back where she belonged. Not like she was a moth to the flames. Now she thinks she was somewhere in between those two. In a place that she had never quite seen Vi put someone. Vi loved or Vi hated. She trusted or she didn’t. Vi loving her and not being able to be in love with her is such a bizarre thing to wrap her head around. She wants to go back to the moment of her graduation and embrace her again. She wishes she could say she wanted to go farther back, to before things had cracked so much. But Caitlyn can see how her wanting, her desiring, that was always going to be an issue. It was always going to rot them. This was always where things were going to go. Now it threatens her career and that, that makes her taste bitter in the back of her throat. So she raises her chin before nodding at Sheriff Grayson, pushing herself to her feet. 

“Yes, Sheriff,” she says and makes her way to the door. 

“You will adjust, Caitlyn,” Sheriff Grayson says as her hands close around the brass, “I know it doesn’t feel that way, but you will. You must.”

Caitlyn nods and focuses on walking out slowly. Composed. Which is wonderful because when she goes to her little-used desk, Maddie is already there with a stack of files. Her lips twitch slightly and Caitlyn tries to return the gesture. Of all the people in the office, Maddie knows the most. Even when their relationship ended, she never held it against Caitlyn. There was a stab of sorrow in her eyes when Caitlyn had to end things because it was not fair to either of them to keep up the pretense, but Caitlyn still isn’t certain that sorrow was for their relationship. Maddie was like her father, she never met her Soulmate. Whoever she loved would never completely belong to her. Even though she said she knew that and was alright with it, Caitlyn wasn’t sure how. Even if she had grown up produced by one of those relationships and she knew her parents loved each other. Maddie settles the files on her desk with an apologetic look. 

“Sorry about this,” she says.

“No, it’s—it’s no problem,” Caitlyn says, “anything interesting?”

“Afraid not,” Maddie says, “Council’s not even in session.”

Caitlyn nods and glances at the reports she needs to finish. She hates desk duty. But she has the clearance to work on Maddie bodyguard reports. Even if they are mindless. The job of guarding someone seems mindless to her, even though Maddie is very good at it. That’s why more often than not she’s around. A friendly face out of the corner of her eye. Caitlyn is glad for her presence, especially when it feels like all eyes are on her. Eyes colored with things she doesn’t want to cause people to feel. Disappointment, anger, resentment, pain. But not Maddie. There’s a calmness about her that’s always been comforting. She’s steady in a way that Caitlyn desperately wishes she could be. A way that she will have to learn. Even now as Caitlyn collects herself, Maddie looks polite and regretful at the stack of folders she’s just handed her. 

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Thank you but—not yet,” Caitlyn says. Maddie nods, “I’ll get to work on these.”

“Here,” Maddie hands her a thermos, “figured you could use something warm.”

“Thank you,” Caitlyn says, “we’ll talk soon?”

Maddie nods and slips away as Caitlyn runs her thumb along the paper. It would be easy to give herself a paper cut and for a moment the temptation is there, but she shoves it aside. That is not a road she is going down. It’s not a road she could ever go down. It’s why she’s been signing up for night stakeouts. Why she would probably have requested desk duty herself if Sheriff Grayson hadn’t ordered it. It’s not just her life in her hands. It never has been. Caitlyn picks up the pen and gets to work. She loses herself in the papers for a good long while and makes it through more of them than she thought she would. The mindless task is easy to get lost in as she looks over familiar names and boring tasks, marking what needs to be marked and signing things where it needs to be signed. She nods goodbye to Sheriff Grayson and continues to work until she hits a point where she feels as though she can stop. Then she gets up and makes her way towards home. Her stomach reminds her that she hasn’t eaten when she should have so her first stop is easy enough. Even though she imagines there are people keeping Vi well-fed, she has her own hunger to tend to. Caitlyn walks into the nearest shop and makes her way over to the counter. She sits down and gives her order before the person at the corner catches her gaze. She’s surprised and a moment later realizes she shouldn’t be. It’s not that late. Their eyes meet and they exchange hesitant smiles. Caitlyn points at the seat. There’s a moment and then a nod of permission. She stands and moves a few seats over. 

“May I ask how the exam was? Or would you prefer not to talk about it?”

Ekko glances down at his noodles before lifting his head with a smirk. 

“Do you like talking about exams before you know the results?”

“No,” Caitlyn says, “I do not.”

Ekko nods and continues to eat. A moment later the same order is placed in front of Caitlyn. She glances around before picking up her chopsticks. A moment later the sauce bottle is pushed to her side of the bowl. Caitlyn swallows and looks at it. The hot sauce here is good, but it feels wrong to want to put it on her noodles. Even if that is how she likes them best. She can see the sauce on the ones Ekko is eating. It occurs to her how much more she knows about Powder than she does about her Soulmate. Not that the two of them talk about it. Ekko is around but he’s thoughtful and observant. Quiet. She hadn’t been surprised to see he was just as brilliant as Powder, but it did make her heart ache to see what the two of them had become to each other. When Vi told her how close they used to be, it caught Caitlyn off guard. Now when she looks at him she wonders if this is what she and Vi will be to each other one day. The thought is as nauseating as ever and her stomach rolls. Before she overthinks it she grabs the bottle and douses her noddles with it. Ekko looks half surprised at the amount she puts on there before he grins. It might be the first time she’s ever seen him grin like that. 

“Okay, Piltie,” he says, “rough day?”

“Yes,” Caitlyn says, “you?”

“Yeah,” Ekko says, shaking more sauce onto his noddles, “and I have to do inventory tomorrow.”

“I’m stuck on desk duty,” Caitlyn says. 

“That sucks,” Ekko remarks. 

He doesn’t ask her why and as Caitlyn chews her spicy noodles, she realizes he doesn’t need to. She glances around the restaurant. Everywhere she looks there seems to be people huddled together, subtly mirroring each other’s movements in the way that Soulmates tend to do. She and Vi used to do that as well. But even before the fight eventually when they saw each other doing it, one of them would blush and then the other would. Then Vi would try her hardest to not do it, like she had been caught doing something she shouldn’t. Caitlyn tried not to think about it that much, but now she can see how there were signs. Even back then. It was just too much. It always would have caught up to them eventually. She takes another noodle and chews as Ekko’s eyes dart between her and his own bowl. Caitlyn can see him considering her and she realizes the rumors have probably already started. Heat that has nothing to do with the noddles climbs up her cheeks and she takes a larger bite to try and compensate. 

“Whatever you heard—“

“I wasn’t gonna—“ 

They speak at the same time and Caitlyn sighs. She’s better than this. Ekko’s smile dips and something more serious crosses his face. Sometimes Ekko looks older than all of them, even though he’s a good deal younger. 

“A month,” Ekko says, “you remember, right?" 

Caitlyn looks at him. 

“Maybe it was different for you last time,” he says, “but usually it’s a month—give or take. Then the world stops feeling like it’s spinning wrong.”

Caitlyn looks down at the bowl in her hands. Last time—her throat tightens. Last time it never felt like the world started spinning correctly. If she’s honest, she didn’t want it to. It felt wrong for it to return to whatever normal was if she and Vi were separated. Maybe she had hope. Maybe she was just naive. Maybe she just thought that it was something fixable. Things had felt fixable back then. Even when the needle was puncturing her muscles at odd hours. It felt like they could overcome it. But even then, deep down, she knew that it was more than her job. And any doubt she had about that vanished the moment she realized why the air in that room smelled odd and made her eyes itch. She had offered to give up being an Enforcer if it didn’t work. The fact that Vi had never asked her to do it just added to the fact that her job was probably the easiest thing to overcome. And that felt quite impossible. She could give it up but she would still want it. And Vi would hate her for wanting it. Caitlyn grips the warm bowl with both hands as she listens to Ekko. He may be younger but he has experience. More importantly he is not expecting her to be his redemption with her Soulmate. Ekko and Powder might be the one pair who don’t look at her and Vi with some kind of hope. She runs her finger on the edge of the bowl and straightens up as Ekko looks down at his noodles, his cheeks faintly going pink. Powder cannot feel that. Not in the way Vi can feel the spice on her tongue. She never thought that they would have this strange Bond in common, but of all the people in the world Ekko might be the only one who understands what it is to love a heart shaped face that cannot love you back. 

“A month?” She asks. 

“Give or take,” he says. 

Like a habit. 

She adjusts her seat and picks up her chopsticks. Out of the corner of her eye she can still see the other patrons in the restaurant. Idly she wonders if the few days will count or if the month should start now. Now, she imagines, given how her eyes keep trying to stray towards the places they shouldn’t. The things she cannot have. She has so much, she has the ability to help people. She always has, but it’s been in a way that feels difficult to grasp. Saving Zaun has almost always felt too big to comprehend, even as she’s felt the air become cleaner. Even as her skin has born fewer bruises as the violence has eased. She could go down to Zaun without the same danger she used to face. Caitlyn knows it’s the Kiramman money at work. Her mother has always been clear that the Matriarch is as much a custodian of the money and power as they are a wielder of it. But until she becomes that, Caitlyn knows she can help in a way that makes so much more sense. Boots on the ground, talking to people. All that money and power and the first conversation that’s made her feel not miserable has been with Ekko in a noodle shop. Caitlyn adds more hot sauce and takes another bite of her noodles, mulling over Ekko’s words. He doesn’t seem to mind the silence as he continues to eat. It’s gotten cooler when they step outside, but for the first time the chill doesn’t feel bone deep. It’s still cold but it feels a tiny bit less.

“Can I get you a transport?”

Ekko shakes his head. 

“Thanks though,” he adds, “I like to walk.”

“We should do this again sometime,” Caitlyn says, feeling almost ridiculous at the gesture, “I like the noodles here."

That easy, casual conversation has always been Vi’s forte. And Ekko has always been Vi’s family. She half expects him to refuse or wave her off. Not to jam his hands into his pockets and rock on his heels in a gesture she’s seen Powder do a million times. 

“Surprised you could taste them with all that hot sauce,” Ekko says. 

“Well the place up the road has spicier ones,” she says without thinking.

“So you don’t like the noodles here.”

Caitlyn looks at him and he raises his eyebrows. She gets the distinct feeling that they are not talking about noodles anymore. Caitlyn thinks of the past few years and the cold and the hurt. The mistakes they both made as the truth was pulled out of them. All that hope that people placed on them to be the two who overcame everything, who made things right. Suddenly it feels so unfair. The pressure on Vi has never been fair. Not from the people around her, not from herself and now Caitlyn can see how it all coalesced into that one desperate kiss she never should have participated in. Vi deserves to kiss someone without it hurting. And that person is not Caitlyn. She looks back at the people in the restaurant who are all very happy with those noodles. But they are not her. They are not Vi. She turns back to Ekko. 

“We should go up the street,” she says. 

Ekko offers a satisfied smile, like Caitlyn has figured something out.

Maybe she has. 

“See you then,” he says. 

“Good luck with inventory,” she calls after him. 

He strolls away and she turns around. Pain aches up her neck and her heart jumps as she claps her hand over it. A moment later the pain eases and she realizes it’s just soreness. But it takes longer for her heart to calm down. Caitlyn swallows something that feels like disappointment. But whether it’s disappointment in herself or the situation as a whole, she doesn’t know. She takes one more glance at the restaurant before realizing someone is looking at her curiously. Heat colors her cheeks as she realizes she’s staring at the people. It’s foolish. She feels foolish. She quickly shakes her head and turns. She does not even like the noodles in that place but she feels like she would give anything to. Which—she can’t. At the end of the day she will never fit what Vi wants. And Vi cannot keep forcing herself to try. It’s not fair to either of them but Caitlyn knows she is the one who will have to make that clear. She has so much. She can do this. Caitlyn tugs her jacket into place and starts to head towards home when she hears the bell over the store ring. 

“Hey!” Caitlyn pauses and turns as a woman jogs towards her. She’s breathless and has a slip of paper in her hand, “sorry to be so forward but I saw you in the window.”

Caitlyn raises an eyebrow and she goes red. 

“If you ever want some company—“

“Oh, no thank you,” Caitlyn says quickly, “I—" The woman’s face falls and Caitlyn pauses, “do you know who I am?” She asks. 

“Should I?”

Surprise runs though Caitlyn as she looks for any sign the woman is lying. She doesn’t see any. 

“I’m not looking for anything serious,” she says.

“I’m just trying to give you my contact,” the woman says with a laugh. It should offend Caitlyn, but it doesn’t. She holds the paper out again, Caitlyn closes her fingers around it and the woman tugs lightly before opening her hand, “night!”

Caitlyn watches her run back inside to her friends. Possibly her Soulmate. She thumbs open the paper, half expecting it to be some kind of message or warning or joke. But it’s exactly what the woman said it was. A name and a contact. It could be fake, but it could be real. Caitlyn looks up and then down at the paper again, her heart still pounding in her ears. But this time it’s not in anticipation of pain or heartbreak. It’s something else. Something—almost good. Without thinking Cailtyn folds the paper twice. She reaches into her pocket and pulls out her calendar. She thumbs to the page for thirty days from now and slips the paper into that place. Thirty days feels impossibly long, but it’s not. Not really. Not if this is how things need to be for both their sakes. Closing the book she tucks it back into her pocket. 

Twenty nine to go. 

Chapter Text

“Oh my.”

Caitlyn feels her face growing red as Mel looks down at the pieces of paper that are scattered across the floor. She knew her pocket diary was stuffed with them, but she had not realized how many there were until it she pulled it out the wrong way and they all fell out. Taking them had been a step, though she was always clear she was not looking for anything serious and they should not expect her to contact them. It did not seem to matter. She got nods, winks, shrugs. They looked hopeful, bemused—no-one ever looked upset. No-one ever looked disappointed. So Caitlyn found herself taking the papers when they were offered. Each was tucked thirty days out, like the invisible clock was reset every time her fingers closed around the pieces of paper. She told herself by then she would adjust. By then she would be ready. And then she continued on with her day. None of it truly mattered against the chill that still hummed through her veins. Easing, but still there. So she took the papers and tucked them in and pushed them to the back of her mind. 

Until now.

Mel gives her a questioning look and Caitlyn nods, too red faced to care as Mel crouches down and picks one up. She undoes the folds and looks down at the words. From in between her fingers Caitlyn recognizes the purple ink and the red kiss pressed into the paper. One that made her go red as it was handed to her with a wink. When she said that she probably wouldn’t call the woman had pouted and then said that they would see about that. It had been the first time something like interested stirred in Caitlyn’s stomach. Only to be pushed aside when someone brushed against her lower back accidentally and pulled her mind in a different direction. Now she looks at it as Mel appraises the handwriting and mark with an experienced eye before looking up at her.

“Are these all—“

“Yes!” She chokes out, feeling as though she’s been caught in the act of doing something bad.

Mel’s bemused smile doesn’t waiver as she scoops them up. It takes two handfuls and Caitlyn wishes the windows opened wider so she could just throw herself out of one. The papers are all in a neat little pile on the low table, the one with the purple ink carefully put next to the others. Mel moves away, leaving Caitlyn to fight the urge to sweep all the papers into the fire. Mel comes back and sets down a tray with a crystal decanter filled with a red tinged spirit and two matching glasses. She pours two glasses and hands one to Caitlyn. The liquid burns down her throat and leaves the taste of cinnamon on her tongue as she looks at the papers. 

“I don’t know why I took them,” she admits. 

“Caitlyn,” Mel starts. 

“No, I know why,” Caitlyn says, “but I don’t know what to do with them.”

“You could contact one of them,” Mel says, picking up the lipstick kissed one, “she has beautiful lips.”

Caitlyn thinks of Vi’s lips and squeezes her eyes shut at the thought. When she does, she sees the disappointment on so many faces. Vi’s included. Forcing her eyes open she looks over at Mel for any indication of the emotion. But Mel has turned to the other numbers, thumbing through a few of them and considering the penmanship. Caitlyn watches her eyes move across them. She would call it a snap judgement but Mel is far too thoughtful for that. Handwriting says a lot about a person. For all the good it’s ever done Caitlyn. Her handwriting says she is steady and focused, apparently. She does not feel either of those things in any aspect of her life except work And even that is holding on by a thread as she fills out reports and tries to think of ways to show Sheriff Grayson she is ready to be back in the field. Caitlyn looks at the two piles forming. She catches Mel’s eye and swallows against the tightness in her throat. 

“You’re not going to warn me off?” She asks. 

“Caitlyn, of course not,” Mel says, turning from the numbers to clasp her hands, “you know I support you,” she says, “but I want you to be safe.”

“I am safe,” Caitlyn says. 

“Not just with your gun,” Mel says.

Heat colors her cheeks. Caitlyn swallows the thought of how that feels like a fools game at this point. If there was one person she was suppose to be safe with, it was the other half of her soul. How many endless days and hours had she spent running around with Vi? It used to be that there was nowhere safer than the flat of Vi’s shoulder blade. If Caitlyn had her cheek pressed there, nothing could get her. But it had been so many years since that was the case. She actually isn’t certain she remembers what it felt like to have her cheek pressed there anymore. It makes her sad to realize how truly long it’s been since that place felt safe. Since any of this felt safe. Eighteen was not even that long ago, but it feels like a lifetime. In the worst way it possibly could. When she thinks about how things used to be, she has to push those thoughts away before they drown her. Every time she thinks about how she ruined their relationship it makes her throat tighten. It feels like she slammed a door closed without even realizing what she was doing. For all this time it’s felt as though her actions led them here. What right did she have to long for something she had ruined? What right did she have to long for what she had destroyed? But now, now there’s a knot of doubt. She destroyed it, she closed the door. But when she thinks of it all she can think of now is the panic when Vi kissed her. 

“I’ll be fine,” Caitlyn says, smoothing her hands down her thighs. Mel presses her lips together, “I’m not planning on contacting any of them soon.”

“Why not?” Mel asks. Caitlyn looks at her questioningly, “perhaps now is a good time to contact one of them. You don’t want to keep them waiting.”

“I told them not to expect me,” Caitlyn says softly. Mel keeps looking at her and she feels herself shrink under her gaze, “I shouldn’t have accept them.”

“Caitlyn, that’s not what I meant,” Mel says, covering her hand. 

Caitlyn gives her a miserable look, unable to contain the emotion. She is used to being on the other side of the equation. She’s used to being the one who waits and hopes, who denies that is what she’s doing but does it all the same. She was fine with it until this latest fracturing of their relationship and now she just feels foolish. She’s always told herself that her love for Vi is separate from the fact that she is in love with Vi. Those are two separate things and it has been clear for so long they need to remain separate. But there has always been this knot of hope. Fluttering in her chest like the firelights that live deep in Zaun. Now it feels like that hope has gone out. It’s been replaced by just that cold, empty feeling. It’s not fair to blame Vi for her holding out that hope. She can only blame herself for keeping it there for so long. She knew better. She just did not realize how much until she was telling Vi off in the Last Drop. Until she was running out of a place that had felt like home the moment she walked back through those doors after years away. Stubbornly Caitlyn pushes aside the burning in her throat and picks up the glass, taking another mouthful of the liquor. The burning does not ease the cold as much as she wishes it did. 

“Besides, even if I did contact one of them, what then? I’d probably just disappoint them,” she mutters. Mel doesn’t try to contradict her and Caitlyn is grateful for it, “is she ever not going to look disappointed in me?” 

Mel doesn’t ask who. She doesn’t need to. Even if she tries to hide it, Caitlyn can see the disappointed shine in her mother’s eyes. Her career, her inability to make it work with her Soulmate—all of it is a disappointment to her mother. She can see it every time her mother touches her shoulder and Caitlyn tenses. The question hovers why she could not do better. Be better. Caitlyn knows her desperation to make herself independent has always been a thorn in her mother’s side. It’s not something she should be doing with all the privilege that she has. She should be preparing to be a good Kiramman. A leader. But Caitlyn doesn’t know how she is supposed to lead from a gilded cage. That had never felt like leading to her. It’s always felt like hiding. Helping people with her boots on the ground and dirt under her nails has always made more sense. And it has always worried her mother. Caitlyn knows it’s worry, but it doesn’t look like worry. And that is the hardest part of it. She has to remind herself what it is. Where it comes from. That one day her mother was the one running around Zaun and her mother was the one looking at her like that. 

“I know she worries,” she adds quickly, “I don’t mean to—“ she trails off with a miserable sigh, “I don’t know what I mean.”

Mel takes her hand in her own. 

“You don’t like disappointing her,” Mel says, “but you don’t know why everything you do brings that look in her eyes. You don’t know if you could or should pay the price it would take to stop it.”

Caitlyn stares at her for a moment in stunned silence. Mel looks at her with understanding in her eyes and everything clicks into place. 

Of course Mel would understand. 

There has never been a question in Caitlyn’s mind that she would be exiled for her choices. She’s read the histories, it’s a rare thing for the Kirammans. She does not think she fully comprehended it until she met Mel. Until she saw what it was to politely tell people that you were there in service of your family, but they should not expect the rest of them to arrive. She’s watched the shift on Mel’s face when people bring up her mother. How it’s gone from longing, to grieving and now just a faint glimmer of an old pain. One Caitlyn knows most people don’t see. Even when her mother disagreed with every choice that Caitlyn made, the idea that she could be exiled was not one that even crossed her mind. But Mel has been. For so many years. The few times the subject has come up Mel has always said the same thing. She disappointed her mother and her mother exiled her. She does not like to talk more about it and Caitlyn does everything she can to respect that and make sure others respect it as well. 

“Mel I—“ Caitlyn starts but Mel’s fingers tighten around hers. 

“Caitlyn, this isn’t about your mother,” Mel says, “you know she isn’t disappointed with you. But I do know what it’s like to see that disappointment everywhere. What it’s like for people to ask for the one person you cannot give them.”

Caitlyn’s throat tightens as the truth of her words hits home. 

“How did you bear it?” She asks. 

“Not well, at first,” Mel says, “I blamed myself,” Caitlyn looks down. But Mel reaches out and tips up her chin, “chin up, little wolf,” she says, “this is not your fault either.”

“It feels like it is,” Caitlyn says. Mel nods. “If I had just—“ she trails off. 

There is no good answer to the question. Even if she had not pursued her dream, or given it up the moment Vi shouted at her, she cannot help but think they would always be here. Someday. Somehow. They are of two different wold and hers has had such a hand in Vi’s pain. The way Vi recoiled when Caitlyn pointed out the truth that her mother would have been disappointed to find out who her daughter’s Soulmate was told her everything she needed to know. No matter how she turns it over in her head, she knows there are things she cannot help here. Not without fundamentally becoming a different person. And then what is the point? Then she isn’t-anything she would recognize. She would be someone else. And that always leads her to the same place. The same thought. This never would have worked. Not with her as herself. But another thought has been creeping in. If this never would have worked, why is she punishing herself for it? All the punishment has not helped. The days of Vi sobbing after the kiss were evidence enough of that. It hadn’t helped her. It hadn’t helped anyone. Why is she letting it continue? Mel built something in her exile. The pain eased. Her mother and Sheriff Grayson did the same thing. That is what Caitlyn wants to do, not the twisted thing Vi’s father’s have been doing for years. 

“I know there’s nothing I could have done,” Caitlyn admits finally. 

“Knowing and believing are two different things,” Mel says. Her eyes move to the papers and then back to Caitlyn, “why would they be disappointed in you?” 

Caitlyn is almost too embarrassed to say the words. It’s easier to just reach up her free hand and gesture at her back and neck. Sympathy crosses Mel’s face. 

“There’s places people don’t like to be touched,” she says gently. 

“I know, but—“ Caitlyn lets out a frustrated breath, “I could barely stand my own mother rubbing it,” Caitlyn admits finally, looking down at her hands and the pile of contact information. Suddenly all of the determination feels hollow. How is she supposed to build a family of her own when she cannot even stand someone touching her back? The Kiramman name will get her a lot, but that level of understanding seems excessive. Even for that, “when I’m out of the uniform—“ she shakes her head, “I can’t stand it.”

Mel is quiet for a moment before she reaches for the diary. She lets go of Caitlyn’s hand to pick up a pen and flip through it. Caitlyn watches as she writes something down and hands her back the diary. Caitlyn thumbs to the page and is surprised to see an address written down. She vaguely recognizes it near the end of her patrol route. It’s a theater. But Mel has noted she is to go up the stairs at the back, not enter through the front with the rest of the people. 

“How is the theater going to help me?”

“If I promise it might, will you trust me?” Mel asks. 

“Always,” Caitlyn says without thinking. 

“I have a friend who helps people work through this kind of sensitivity,” Mel says, “I’d like you two to meet.”

Caitlyn fiddles with the edge of the diary. She does not want to—and she does. She glances at Mel and rubs her thumb on the leather. She’s never heard of this particular friend, which means they are from a different side of Mel’s life. One that Caitlyn is usually kept away from. The prospect of being let into this side of her world is intriguing. Intriguing enough to get Caitlyn to push past the urge to say she does not need the help. The panic Vi felt when their lips met has shown Caitlyn that the longer she bottles this up, the worse it will be. And if there was anyone she would trust to help her work through this, it’s Mel. 

On the noted date, Caitlyn arrives at the theater shortly after her patrol ends. 

Her entire body felt strange as she changed from the uniform, no matter how much she tried to breath into the knot. She feels foolish slipping around the back while people line up in front. She recognizes a few faces, but none recognize her as she slips around the corner. She finds the door to the back of the theater with a man waiting outside. He glances at her and nods her through. She steps into an almost claustrophobic foyer. Caitlyn doubts that two people could fit in there comfotably and the noise from the orchestra warming up is uncomfortably loud. The staircase is almost a blessing as she begins to climb. The sound grows softer as she makes her way up. It starts to feel as though she is leaving the world behind. If her stomach was not knotted, it would be relaxing. Without thinking Caitlyn focuses on the sensation from the Bond. She feels the stretch of Vi’s muscles as she raises her body up and down. Caitlyn feels the cool on her palms as Vi shifts her grip and begins to pull herself up again before slowly lowering herself down. The methodical stretch and burn of her shoulder muscles gets her in front of the door. She looks at the pale wood and when she reaches for the pale wood it turns easily.

Caitlyn takes a deep breath and enters the room. 

It’s warm and inviting. Windowless. There’s reds and golds everywhere and it makes her think of the theater downstairs. Her eyes move over several seating areas, all draped in lush fabrics. Everything has been meticulously chosen, but only for those who wish to see it. Those who may need to see it. The room is empty and Caitlyn is glad for the time look around in private. To adjust to the space. Her eyes spy a coat rack in the corner, a heavily carved one similar to what she would find in her father’s study. It seems foolish to stand there with her coat and hat on. Caitlyn slips both off and reaches out for the rack. When she touches it, she hears something soft. A slight click that could be ignored. But a moment later the sound of water running draws her eyes to a closed door. Caitlyn realizes she has not been alone this entire time. The water runs for a beat too long and Caitlyn realizes something is being waited on. She’s being waited on. The simple puzzle being solved makes her feel confident enough to slip her coat and hat onto the rack. She tugs her blouse down and turns as the water shuts off and the door opens. 

“Mel said you were clever.”

Caitlyn watches the Vastaya move into the space. A cloud of perfumed steam follows her, confirming that she was waiting for Caitlyn. Caitlyn feels her stomach churn as she wonders if Mel told her she would be nervous. Or what else Mel has told her. Nothing is betrayed on the Vastaya’s face. If Caitlyn did not know money had been exchanged, she would almost feel as though she was intruding. The lack of attention is more helpful than she wishes it was. It makes her think of the woman who gave her her number outside the noodle shop. Caitlyn feels heat begin to climb up her neck at the knowledge the Vastaya probably knows that. The urge to grab her things and run hits, but Caitlyn pushes it to the side. The Vastaya knows who she is. Kiramman, Officer, none of those people run. When she’s wrapped in those cloaks, neither does Caitlyn. She clasps her hands in front of her and looks at the Vastaya. 

“What else did she tell you?”

“You have some touch sensitivity on your back you would like to work through,” she says, moving over to the couch and sitting down, “I told her not to tell me anything else,” Caitlyn nods, “you can call me Lest.”

She gives her a slight look and heat rises in her face. 

“Caitlyn,” she says. 

Lest gives a slight nod and leans forward, pouring two glass of water. There’s a tray of fruit besides it. Caitlyn takes a breath and moves away from her coat. This time Lest watches as she walks forward and sits on the edge of the couch. One of Lest’s ears flicks towards the water. Caitlyn picks up the glass. After a moment’s consideration Caitlyn picks up a slice of lemon and adds it to the glass. She watches the water fizz and takes a mouthful. Lest drops a few pieces of cucumber into her own. She’s quiet for a moment as Caitlyn tries to figure out what she is supposed to say. Or if she’s supposed to say anything. Even though they are not touching, Caitlyn can feel the heat radiating off of Lest. 

“Do you need to see my back?” 

Lest regards her.

“Do you want to show me your back?” She asks. 

Caitlyn swallows another mouthful of water. Lest is quiet and she realizes she is waiting for an answer. 

“Showing you isn’t the issue,” Cailtyn says. 

“Then why did you ask if I needed to see it?” 

Caitlyn presses her lips together. She looks over at the bathroom and Lest nods her head. Caitlyn walks over to it and quickly closes the door. She barely takes it in as she breathes in the perfumed air. Caitlyn has not told anyone the true extent of her feelings about the tattoo. Mel knows the most. Maddie knows a lot. Sheriff Grayson knows some and her mother does as well. But no-one knows the extent of how much it hurt. She doesn’t like to think about it. Most days she doesn’t. Or she didn’t. Not until this latest low point in her relationship with Vi. She knew that her becoming an Enforcer opened up a wound for her Soulmate. And whatever scab was on there was ripped clean off when the tear gas happened during training. It was something that still hurt to think about. How she had done this to them. That had been her focus, that she had done this and she deserved every press of the needle in her skin. She deserved to feel it when the ink stopped just below Vi’s forearms. When Maddie had asked what the design was supposed to mean, it had taken everything Caitlyn had to tell her it was all representative of Vi’s home and family. Even Maddie who knew almost nothing about Vi had given her shoulder a sympathetic squeeze and faked twisting her ankle so Caitlyn could have a few moments to steady her breathing before they continued the calisthenics training. Then Vi had decided that they were alright and Caitlyn had tried to go along with it. She thought that was what they both needed. But every time she saw the ink, every time one of their backs was sore and some part of her jerked, it all felt like she deserved it. She deserved it but she could not just let it go. 

She might still deserve it. 

But they’re even. 

Done.

Before she can think about it, Caitlyn pulls off her suspenders and unbuttons her shirt. She turns it around, trying not to feel foolish when she does. She’s tired of waiting. Tired of waiting, scared of the thought that this wound will be allowed to fester any longer. Especially when she reaches around to do a few of the buttons on her spin and realizes she’s not even sure she likes her own fingers on her spine. She opens the door and walks out. Lest is sitting with her chin in her, her jaw moving. Caitlyn comes around the side of the couch and sits down, just in time for Lest to push a cherry stem from between her lips. Caitlyn looks at the complicated knot tied in the stem and presses her back against the couch. 

“My Soulmate got a tattoo,” Caitlyn says. 

“How big?”

“The whole thing."

“So her entire back is blacked out?” Lest asks, her tone easy. Caitlyn shakes her head, “but it’s large.”

“Yes.”

Lest keeps looking at her and Caitlyn looks down, her her fingers locking together on her lap. 

“We talked about it, but she got it without telling me,” she says. Lets is quiet, “I can’t stand people touching my back. I don’t let them,” she swallows, “but I want to.”

Let considers her before nodding. 

“I’d like to start by touching you with this,” Lest says, holding up a paint brush, “is that alright with you?”

Caitlyn nods. 

“Yes, but I don’t want to lay down,” she says. 

“That’s fine,” Lest tells her, guiding her over to an oddly shaped chair. She has Caitlyn sit and rock her hips, the bottom of the chair pushing her forward so she is pressed to the padded front. The seat gently presses into the back of her knees and draws her back into a comfortable position. There’s a padded space for her to rest her head and below somewhere to put her arms. Caitlyn focuses on the cleverly designed chair so she doesn’t have to focus on the feeling of Lest behind her, “I’m going to undo your bra, is that alight?”

“Yes,” Caitlyn says. 

Lest’s fingers are soft as they undo the clasp and tuck either end forward into the cups. Her entire back is exposed. Caitlyn takes a breath to steady herself, her fingers curling around the edges of the arm rests. Lest sits behind her and everything in Caitlyn screams that pain is about to start. That she needs to breathe through it and just hope this is going to be a short session. Even though she was not there, her chest remembers the feel of the leather as though she was. The leather, the needles, it all makes her throat start to tighten. Even as she tries to ground herself that there is none of that here. She’s sitting on velvet and behind her is a brush, not a needle. She has to force her fingers to wiggle, but it doesn’t help. 

She’s not expecting the press around her middle. 

Caitlyn squeezes her eyes shut at the sensation. But it’s there. Firm across their bond. Caitlyn takes a breath as it sinks through her. Vi has no idea why she’s upset, but Caitlyn can feel her press into the bond with what she can offer. It should make her feel better. It does. But it also stings. For the first time in a while, Caitlyn doesn’t shy away from the sting. From how much it hurt. From the fact that it wasn’t just her choices that lead them here. They both played a role in this. She feels Lest move and something in her snaps. 

“I don’t want the brush,” she says. 

“Then what do you want?”

“Your hands.”

“Alright.”

Lest’s fingers are warm against her back. She touches the skin as Caitlyn waits for the press of the arm around her middle to leave. But it doesn’t. She knows Vi can feel someone touching her. She doesn’t know if Vi is aware how she cannot bear to have people touch her along her back anymore. She’s smart enough to figure it out, but Caitlyn doesn’t know if she will let herself. She thinks she might have an answer when Lest skims her fingers against her shoulder blades and the pressure around her middle digs into her ribs. A heartbeat later the pressure gets wider as the other arm joins her, Vi’s fingers pressing into her ribs on the other side before Lest skims them there. Something flares in Caitlyn’s chest at the offer of comfort. After days of the sobbing, after everything that’s happened—her fingers dig into the chair. 

“Can you use your claws?”

The faint sting changes things instantly.

The fingers at her rib snatch back. Caitlyn’s eyes snap open. Lest’s claws continue to move along her skin. Not enough to break it but enough to remind Caitlyn of the endless pulsing of the machine. It reminds Vi of it too. It must. The way she snatches her hands back stings worse than the claws tracing Caitlyn's spine. The quick tug on her scalp from Vi dragging her hands through her hair still brings the same dread, but underneath it there’s something else. Something sharper. Caitlyn has done everything to be quiet while Vi cries and is sick and talks endlessly. She’s offered comfort when Vi has wept while she works through all of her emotions. But the first time she tries to address something for herself, the comfort is snatched back. The blade does not cut both ways, it never has. Caitlyn has always known that it was her side of it that dug it in. But in this room she does not even have a bra on properly. She had never told anyone the full extent of Vi’s actions. They could not be more stripped down to their cores. And Vi cannot find it in herself to think about the effect her pain is having. Caitlyn meant they should try to be like her mother. But she cannot be the one trying to do that while Vi is dead set on turning them into her dad. 

Suddenly, the cold is unbearable. 

“What other services do you offer?” Caitlyn asks. 

“What do you need?”

“I’m tired of being cold,” Caitlyn says, turning her head. Lest’s claws rest on the small of her back. Her gold eyes meet Caitlyn’s, “can you make that go away?” Lest inclines her head, “how much?”

Lest names a number. 

Caitlyn moves away and goes to her coat, pulling out the notes and some extra. Lest watches her do it. Caitlyn looks down at the notes in her hands. There’s no return of pressure on her ribs, even though the claws are off her back. But there’s still cold. She is still cold and the unsaid expectation still lingers. She should stay cold. She should wait. She should wait until Vi destroys them further and then wait longer. Until one day when Vi might change her mind. When Vi might decide that she can act on the feelings Caitlyn knows she has. It’s a cycle Caitlyn has consented to, it was something she was willing to accept. She did it with every quiet moment, every silent tear. Until they wound up here. Now she stops pushing aside the churning feelings. The anger, the lump in her throat, she stops trying to hide all of it. Her fingers tighten around the notes and she turns around. Lest is standing in front of her, her eyes appraising Caitlyn in a different way. This close and with this new request, it feels like Lest has gotten taller. Like she is using her size to make sure Caitlyn knows she is in control. Caitlyn looks up at her unflinchingly and holds up the stack of notes. Lest raises an eyebrow. 

“For inconveniencing you by changing things so last minute,” she says. 

“This is one way,” Lest says, “ears and tail are off limits. What’s a word you feel comfortable using instead of no? Something that means stop to you without thinking?”

“Powder.”

The name slips out without a thought. She’s felt Powder hug Vi though the Bond. Despite Powder sleeping over, Caitlyn missed her last time. Caitlyn knows where Powder’s loyalties lie, she always has. She cannot begrudge her that. But the girl has always been like a second Soulmate. She was the first real thing Caitlyn ever learned about Vi. Even with the anger churning in her, Caitlyn refuses to entertain the thought of letting that anger touch Powder. Powder is separate from it, she always has been. If there is a word that would mean stop, it would be that. But after Lest nods and her fingers close over the notes, Caitlyn opens her hand and completes the exchange. Lest slips the notes into her skirt and then hooks her fingers unto the collar of Caitlyn’s shirt. Her other hand comes to Caityn’s hip and covers it. It slides across her to the small of her back before the claws touch the skin. The touch is light still, almost contemplative as Lest’s claws gently drag along it while her tail swishes. Caitlyn looks at her tail and swallows the lump in her throat down, her eyes moving back to Lest. 

“I don’t mind the marks.”

“Do you want them?”

It occurs to Caitlyn that she’s hesitating. And not out of nerves. She’s hesitating because some part of her is expecting to feel Vi across the Bond. Some part of her is expecting Vi to burst though the door. But the thought of that doesn’t fill Caitlyn with the same emotion that it used to. Her stomach churns at the thought of how much they have hurt each other. How she let things get to this point because she was so afraid of losing Vi. It never occurred to her that the tables might turn. That the danger wasn’t just her losing Vi. 

Vi’s lost her. 

“Yes,” Caitlyn says, leaning into the touch at her back. Lest shifts her hand and Caitlyn feels the touch turn sharper, “like that.”

“Keep talking,” Lest says, guiding her to the bed, “if you don’t like anything, tell me.”

A shiver runs through Caitlyn and she nods. Even as her shirt hits the floor, even as more clothing joins it, even as she should feel cold—something has changed. For the first time Caitlyn is aware of this irrevocable shift. She knows the consequences. She wants them. There’s no looking for disappointment on Lest’s face because she’s not offering anything to fall short of. This is an exchange of services, one that they’ve both agreed to. The not wondering, the not checking, it’s more intoxicating than Caitlyn ever expected as Lest drags her claws lightly over Caitlyn’s bare skin and smiles with satisfaction at every sharp inhale Caitlyn makes. The only thing that matters is Caitlyn’s pleasure and for once, that is the only thing she focuses on. Not the guilt, not the expectations. In this room she is just Caitlyn. 

There’s no going back.

She doesn’t want to.

Not anymore.

Chapter Text

“Hey, mom.”

The words feel weird to say aloud. 

Even though she’s written them out, even though there’s no-one around here who would care what she’s saying, it still feels weird to force them out of her mouth. Though if there was a place where she said them the most, it was here. If they make sense to say anywhere, it’s here. It still feels weird though. Being here feels weird. But it also felt like the only place that made sense to even try saying things aloud. Privacy in the Drop isn’t exactly in great supply. And even though there’s a memorial fountain made of old metal and the memorial on the bridge with her mom’s name on one of the plaques, both of those places felt wrong too. So really that only let the old house. The one she’s avoided since she was a kid. Even when Vander brought them back to grab their meager belongings, VI had refused to look around. Powder found most of their stuff and shoved it into the sacks Vander had for them. Even though she was upset too, she seemed to see that Vi couldn’t do it. She could barely get her feet past the threshold. When she thinks about it, all she can remember is her mother looking at her and telling her to stay. Not to put one foot over the line until they came for her. It felt horrible stepping over the line in the first place. But she thought when she came back he would be lectured and put in a time out. She never thought she would come back an orphan. Even though she’s grown the title still feels like it hangs over her as she steps inside. As she hears her mother sternly tell her she has to be brave and stay here. She has to keep her sister safe. 

She still remembers the feel of her mother’s skirt leaving her fingers for the last time. 

“Sorry it took me so long,” Vi says, forcing herself to look around the old space, “it’s been a—“ she trails off. 

How does she even describe what the past years have been like?

Where does she even start?

Vi walks further into the space, making her way into the small room that she and Powder shared. Powder’s old hammock is long gone. But her drawings are still on the wall. Vi remembers saving whatever bits of crayon she had when her mom said she was pregnant. So she could give them to Powder whenever she was old enough to hold them. Silco had given her a pencil and told her babies liked color, so she should use that instead. Vi had pushed the memories so far away, it’s strange having them start to come back. She drags her fingers on the dusty wall by the technicolor drawings, her fingers leaving a trail in the dust. She can place everything back to where it was—or she thinks she can. She’s sure she’s missing some things as she walks from the drawings to the column. Vi never appreciated how small the place was. She’s not sure how they were able to run as much as she remembers them running. Or dance as wildly as she remembers. But, then again, most of the time it was just her and Powder. And they were so much smaller. Vi’s fingers brush against the column as she looks at their names still written there. She has to crouch down to get anywhere near her tallest mark, even though she swore she hadn’t grown that much. Her throat burns as she looks at it written across the column. She can remember her mom putting the book against her head, how upset Powder had gotten when she tried to press onto her toes. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner,” Vi whispers, pushing back the lump in her throat. She half expects to hear her mom come through the door, but she knows that’s not going to happen, “I’ll lock up this time,” she says, pressing her fingers to her lips and then to the column. 

She locks the door behind her, making sure the padlock is firmly closed. With the rust, she imagines a few good kicks will take the door down, but the lock at least will tell people someone was here. Someone cared. She turns around and looks out into the gloom. A shiver works up her spine. She can just make out people in the shadows, their bright purple eyes watching her. The addicts down here are full of bulbous tumors and glowing purple eyes. Violet eyes. Her skin used to crawl every time she saw them. When she wondered how anyone could hurt themselves like that. Take that drug willingly. Especially when they knew what it would do. But now, after all that she’s done, she knows she’s not in a position to judge. She sets down the basket she carried with her. Shimmer addicts don’t really eat, everything goes into getting more of the drug. Avoiding the hellish withdrawal. But she’s not bringing drugs down here. And they are still people, somewhere under there. The basked is full of sandwiches and waters. She doesn’t know if it will help, but it feels like she needs to at least try. 

She wishes she had something to say. 

But there’s nothing really.

She can’t help them. 

Not in the way they need.

Vi leaves the basked by her old stoop and takes a deep breath before breaking into a run. Behind her there’s a whisper of fabric as someone scrambles either towards her or the basket. Only one is an option as Vi’s hands grab the stone. Even though it’s been years since she scrambled up the stone here, her hands find the holds that her mother showed her. They’ve been carved into the stone by the miners. There were easier ways to get up, but as she starts to climb Vi focuses on finding the specific holds. She focuses on climbing like her mother showed her. The ladder the miners carved a long time ago is still there, hidden in the rocks. Though it feels different since no-one uses it anymore, it doesn’t feel as different as Vi is expecting. She climbs up hand over hand, foot over foot until she pulls herself onto the ledge. She doesn’t let herself stop though. The moment her feet hit the ground she’s finding the footholds that lead even higher. The earth swallows her before long as she climbs up the old shaft. It’s been years since anyone used it for anything. There were faster ways to get stone where it needed to go. But the miners kept it. Vi pulls herself through the darkness on feel alone, barely letting herself stop to think before she’s pulling up the next handhold. Then the next. Until she’s climbing out into the fresher air of the lowest parts of Piltover. That’s the biggest indication the old mine route is forgotten. No-one has thought to close it off. And by some miracle, Silco had never stooped low enough to repurpose it. Not even when he was at his worst. So it’s just Vi’s secret way of getting over the bridge now. She starts to jog up the winding streets of Piltover, feeling her muscles start to burn as she makes her way up the elevation. 

She avoids Caitlyn’s patrol route though. 

She keeps her head down and avoids anyone in that blue. She feels like shit when she does, but there’s no other choice right now. She doesn’t know what the hell she is going to say to Caitlyn. And she knows she needs to have something ready to go. Any shred of hope she had that maybe she didn’t vanished the moment she felt those claws on her back. On Caitlyn’s back. No-one touched Caitlyn’s back. And Vi knew it was her fault. She knew it when she realized that Caitlyn didn’t like anyone hugging her. She did it with Vi at the graduation for the same reason that Vi walked across the stage. They wanted each other back. That overrode everything else. Vi had thought if she wanted it badly enough, she could just do it. Just will herself into getting better. The thing was she wanted to kiss Caitlyn. Janna—she always wanted to kiss her. She had since she was fourteen and Caitlyn admitted that she wouldn’t have minded Vi kissing her to wake her up. Even back then Vi’s knees had gone jelly soft at the thought. But then Caitlyn had left the hospital in a fancy, private transport and she and her dad had walked back to Zaun on foot. And Vi had known that there was a difference between what she wanted and what she needed. What she wanted and what she could do. She could want to kiss Caitlyn in the same way she could want to sprout wings and fly away. But the ground would always roar up when gravity took her down. 

Vi could kiss Caitlyn. 

But what happened when they wanted more?

The thought makes her almost stumble and she shakes her head to clear it, pushing her pace on the narrow road. The thought had always been lurking underneath. That same push-pull of desperate longing followed by growing panic. The thing was she knew how Caitlyn’s family worked even before she knew who Caitlyn was. Even when she was a kid people had talked to her dad about whether or not he wished he had a son. Someone to carry on the family name. And her parents response had always been that Vi would do it. Even up in Piltover they had matriarchies. Like the Kirammans. Never in a thousand years, a thousand lifetimes, did Vi think that comparison would lead to this much trouble. But after feeling the brush turn to fingers turn to claws—feeling the pain turn to that hot lick of pleasure—something in Vi’s head had aligned. Like it was the final tumbler in a lock she had been trying to pick. This was why she didn’t like picking locks in the first place. Most of them went down with a solid kick. It was faster. But Mylo always said that the patience was worth it. That it was beautiful when it happened. Vi had never had such a strong urge to punch him then when everything aligned and the two problems presented themselves so clearly. 

Two problems. 

One cause.

It all came back to her own guilt. Every stupid decision tied back to it. It was guilt she had been drowning in for longer than she realized. The past decade had been her treading water, not dealing with it. But how the fuck did you deal with the guilt that if you had just disobeyed your mom a bit faster you could have saved her life? The letters helped but it didn’t feel like enough. Letters, visiting, running until her legs throbbed, lifting things until her shoulders burned—it all felt like she was trying to bail out the ocean from a sinking ship. Vander, Silco, Sevika, Benzo, they all told her you just kept at it. You kept trying. The one person she really believed was Silco because he was the only one who really knew what happened when you stopped. And Vi never wanted that to happen again. Even when it felt like she was trembling with exhaustion, she didn’t want to stop trying. Not I it mean the people she loved were going to be hurt by her. And she had hurt them. Even if they said that it was alright, that she was allowed to snuggle as well, it didn’t feel good. Vi never liked hurting people. Even back when Zaun was bad, fighting wasn’t her choice. Vander taught her to punch to protect, to quiet the sounds in her head, not to hurt people. 

Vi shakes her head in annoyance at the thoughts tumbling through them and pushes herself to run faster. Most of Piltover has a narrow strip of designated road by the sidewalk for people running. When she had first come up here to do something other than steal, she rolled her eyes at how people up here just ran for exercise. Now she appreciates the narrow strip of road where no-one gets upset at another person pushing themselves up Piltover’s hills. No-one even looks at her. It’s a strange sensation to hate the idea of a place, to feel as though belonging there is a betrayal of everything that knots your insides—and yet when you’re there you don’t even summon a passing glance of concern. Her tattoos barely stick out with all the body modifications Pilties do. Vi pounds up the streets, avoiding Caitlyn’s route and haunts. The occasionally Kiramman banner wafts in the sunlight out of the corner of her eye. Guilt burns in her gut at the sight of the crossed keys. The keys are a Kiramman thing. Before the kiss, one of the few nights she was over, she saw a sketch of Caitlyn’s crest. The fact there were no keys felt—well it felt shitty. She knew the old version had keys. The version pre-tattoo. Or back when the tattoo looked different.

The third time she nearly trips, Vi forces herself to stop. 

If she busts her ankle she’s going to wind up at Dr. Kiramman’s hospital and she can’t stomach that thought. He’s a professional, she knows that. But the idea of facing him after what happened makes her want to vomit. Or maybe that’s the fact that she hasn’t eaten all day. Or both. Vi scrubs her hands with her face and looks around. There’s a small noodle shop nearby with a delicious smell coming out of it. It looks vaguely familiar, but Vi knows that Caitlyn usually winds up in the one that’s closer to her patrol. She glances in the window just to make sure there’s no-one she recognizes. Thankfully there isn’t. She straightens her shirt and pushes her hand through her hair, scraping it into a more presentable bun. When she walks inside, no-one gives her more than a passing glance. The past has been on her mind so much, she half expects them to give her the kind of looks she got when she was younger. But they barely look at her. She barely sits at the counter when a menu is placed in front of her along with a cold glass of water. 

“Thanks,” she says as the shopkeeper nods and turns to help another customer while she looks at the menu. 

The noodles he puts in front of her are objectively great. 

She just picks the first thing off the menu that catches her eye. She can’t even blame the fact she’s hungry on why they’re so good. They just are. Despite her sweet tooth Vi has never shied away from spicy foods. When they were kids they used to joke that was the taste preference she and Caitlyn shared. But she knows that Caitlyn does not come to this one usually. It’s more out of her way. The thoughts she’s trying to avoid roar up again as she eats, like her brain is fueled enough to torture her. For all Caitlyn warred against her mother’s expectations and her mother’s path, she had a clear one for herself. One that she was determined to walk no matter who got in her way. Vi thought she knew what that plan was, but she didn’t. And somehow she wound up being the one in the way. Somehow instead of saying what she actually felt, she had just shouted years of pain at Caitlyn’s surprised and hurt face. 

Why the hell couldn’t she just have said can we talk about this before you become an Enforcer? 

With a frustrated sigh, Vi glances around before signaling the shopkeeper.

“Can I borrow a pencil and a napkin?” She asks. 

He nods and comes back with a pen and a piece of paper. She mumbles a thank you and takes them. There are more pens in Zaun these days but pencils are more common. They last longer and you don’t have to worry about ink. Piltover doesn’t worry about ink. This pen slides out with a click of the button at the top. The noise is satisfying. Caitlyn gave her one for her birthday one year, but she hasn’t been able to bring herself to use it. Not for a while anyway. But she knows when her thoughts get too overwhelming, it helps to write them down. She just wasn’t expecting to run this much—Vi cuts the spiral off. She has paper, she has a pen, she can copy the damn letter into her notebook when she gets home. 

Dear Mom

Vi frowns and crosses it out. 

Dear

The pen hesitates. 

Dear Cait

Damn it. 

Ever time she tries to put Cait’s name, she can’t write anything else. At first she thought maybe it was because it was to a living person—but she can write to everyone else just fine. Her brothers, Powder, Ekko—even Silco. She just can’t write to Cait. Who is probably the person she needs to write to the most. Except she doesn’t want to. Not after everything. She wants to tell her everything. Ramble for as long as she’s willing to hear. Whenever she’s willing to hear it because if the sensations from that night are any indication, Cait is very much not willing. Not right now. Worst of all, Vi can’t even blame her for feeling that way. Not after she shoved her away with everything in her when she was hurt. Of all their differences—there’s a painful irony in how they’re the same in that regard. Or maybe Cait is just following along after she set the tempo. Like they’re kids again and she’s showing her how to jump over rooftops and trying not to let her see how terrifying it is to watch her suspended in the air. How hard it is to trust. 

“You want that on the account?” The shopkeeper says, interrupting her miserable thoughts. Vi glances up at him, “Kiramman account, right? You’re Violet?”

VI glances down at the paper. She hasn’t done a great job of shielding it. And everyone knows she’s Caitlyn’s Soulmate. But it still feels wrong to have the offer made. Then it settles and she frowns at it. 

“The Kirammans have an account here?”

“She does,” the shopkeeper says, “comes here all the time.”

Vi glances over at the window, half expecting to see her. But it’s the middle of the day and Caitlyn is on patrol. Of course she’s not shirking her duties to eat noodles. Vi swallows at the lump in her throat. That odd mix of panic, hope and longing that keeps jumping when she thinks of Caitlyn’s hurt face. Everything in her screams to run before Caitlyn can see her. But she’s done letting that part of he rule her life. She shakes her head and reaches into her pocket, pulling out some credits and putting them down. 

“Her next order’s on me."

“Excuse me?”

The shopkeeper frowns at her sputtered question. But Caitlyn stares at him from across the counter. Vi’s added climbing to her runs and Caitlyn simply wishes to go home and forget the soreness that aches in her shoulder blades. Somewhere in her head she’s pleased that it’s annoyance that aches through her instead of fear and hurt. Lest is—very good at her job. But at the moment all she can focus on is the confused annoyance as the shopkeeper says that her meal is paid for. Caitlyn opened an account at the shop a while ago and there has never been an issue. But she knows that she did not pay in advance for the meal. The shopkeeper looks only slightly concerned as she sputters at him for saying that her meal has been paid for. 

“Pardon me,” she says in a more gentle tone, “who paid for this?”

“Your Soulmate.”

Caitlyn nearly upends her dinner at the words. Her eyes cast about even though she knows that Vi is not in the restaurant. She can feel cold of the glass on her palm as Vi pours drinks for her customers. She’s on her shift, moving about the Drop. Though Caitlyn isn’t sure how she’s standing so steadily when her own legs feel closer to jelly. No, she knows. It’s how Vi always gets herself through things. Annoyance pounds behind her eyes as she glances around the restaurant. Finally she focuses back on the shopkeeper. 

“Put it on my account,” she says, her voice leaving no room for debate, “and put her next order on it as well,” she says, “charge it now.”

“But what if she gets something different?”

Caitlyn almost says what she knows to be true. 

“Add it without asking,” she says. 

He looks at her and she stares him down. She’s the regular customer and the one with the account. She does not want Vi to pay for her noodles. She does not want a nice gesture from Vi after the panic—after everything that’s gone on between them. The annoyance grows along with the hurt. It’s another indication that they the issue is still there. Vi has decided they are at the gestures phase despite the fact that she can feel Caitlyn is very much not there. Caitlyn refuses to fall for it this time. She refuses to fall for it again. The shopkeeper lets out a long breath before he nods, turning away. Embarrassment curls through her but she shoves it away. Grabbing the bowl, she pours whatever spiced broth is left right down her throat and lets it burn down her throat. 

She holds the spicy feeling there and wonders if Vi can feel it in her own throat. She wants her to. She wants her to know that she’s aware Vi came to the noddle shop and tried to buy her dinner without facing her. Immediately Caitlyn feels the press of cold glass against her empty palm. Anger, guilt, longing all churn in her stomach. She wishes she could blame the feelings on Vi. She’s fine when she is away from her. Or—as fine as anyone could be. But she has to stay away from her. Exile takes getting used to, but he exile is close enough to touch most days. People get exiled from their homes, not from the other half of their souls. She’s not sure how her mother bore this feeling. But if she did, Caitlyn knows she can as well. Caitlyn takes a deep breath against the feeling. She can do this. She has to do this. 

She jumps when a glass of cold milk is set in front of her. 

“I’m fine,” she bites out. 

“I know,” Maddie says with a quirk of her lips, “but you did just drink fire broth.”

Caitlyn looks at the offering and then at Maddie. She cannot remember if she invited Maddie here or if this is just another coincidence because she brought her so into her life. But she loathes it when her and Vi’s paths cross. And they cross so much. Even as she thinks about building her own life and her own family, the voice whispers in the back of her head that she will always be torn. But Caitlyn is practical. She knows that if she cannot find someone who will love whatever part of her she can give, she will find someone who will love the other things that come with being with a Kiramman. Taking a deep breath, Caitlyn ignores the milk and picks up the water, even though it makes things worse. Maddie watches with an unreadable expression as Caitlyn sets it down. 

“Excuse me, I’m going to be late,” she says. 

“Big plans?” Maddie asks, a joking note in her voice that suddenly feels irritating. 

“Yes,” Caitlyn says. 

Maddie looks almost surprised. Caitlyn knows her schedule is usually given to the protection people for her family and Maddie is on that rotation. But that protection is more often about her mother rather than her. She has no protection tonight. Her schedule is not on the usual roster. Maddie needs it to do her job but the surprise on her face makes Caitlyn’s stomach clench. It feels invasive in a way that she is not expecting. 

“Caity—“

“I’ll see you at work tomorrow,” Caitlyn says, injecting as much force as she can into the tone. 

Maddie’s lips press together but she has no choice in the matter. Cailtyn walks out of the shop and forces herself to keep a normal pace as she walks. She’s good at knowing when she’s being followed. She’s had a lifetime of it. For the first time in years, Caitlyn ducks down an ally way. She climbs onto a dumpster and finds the first handhold. Then the next. She doesn’t see anyone in the ally but she’s already pulling herself up. Her muscles are sore from Vi’s climb, but they remember the feeling as they tighten. She pulls herself up and just prays that no-one has thought to keep their windows open. Her first building is low enough that there’s only a few floors, but she uses that to get higher and higher. Until Piltover is many stories below her. The gaps are wider here, there’s more room, but she still chooses the right path until she makes her way to her destination. There’s a man guarding the door who gives her a different look than his usual disinterest. 

“Tell her—tell her it’s an emergency,” Caitlyn says, “and tell her I’m sorry.”

The man holds her gaze for a moment before moving inside. Caitlyn expects to have enough time to cringe and second guess herself, but she can barely feel tortured about the situation before the door is being opened. Concern paints her mother’s face harshly but relief pounds through Caitlyn at the sight of her. 

“Caitlyn, what’s going on?” She says.

“May I join you?” Caitlyn blurts out. 

Surprise is all over her mother’s face but she nods. She glances over Caitlyn’s shoulder but there’s no-one running towards her. If she has any concerns about Caitlyn’s appearance, they are not spoken as she puts a hand on Caitlyn’s shoulder and guides her inside. The music grows louder as they make their way through the back of the theater to her mother’s box. She whispers something to one of the men and no sooner has Caitlyn seated herself than a bottle of cool water is being passed to her. She takes it with a nod of thanks. Caitlyn uncaps the bottle and takes a grateful mouthful before she reaches down and grips her mother’s hand. Her mother takes it instantly, threading their fingers together and giving her hand a comforting squeeze. They both watch as the main singer steps onto the stage to begin her aria. She takes a deep breath as her mother guides Caitlyn’s hand into her lap and covers it with her other one. Caitlyn squeezes back as the first notes begin. In the shadows and with everyone distracted, a hand settles on her shoulder. 

Caitlyn takes a deep breath and lets the music take her as her mother and Sheriff Grayson hold her. 

Chapter Text

“We’ll get through this fine,” Vander mutters, “then we'll deal with the rest.”

Vi can only nod. 

Caitlyn is closer than she's been since Vi kissed her.

Vi has not been able to focus for the past few days. Her brothers have practically had to take over her shifts with the number of orders she's gotten messed up as the inventor's ball has approached. She's been in a fog, half excited and half terrified. She has no idea what she's even gonna say to Caitlyn. She's thought of dozens of things, mostly versions of telling her she was right but things are different now. Except every time she tries to think of the exact words they all jumble up into a desperate apology and a "please believe me this time" that Vi knows she hasn't earned. Not after everything. She's tried to respect Caitlyn's space, but as the ball has gotten closer, the prospect of being in the same room without ignoring what Caitlyn wants is all she's been able to think about. It's not showing up and making the decision for both of them if she is expected to be there. Vi has only missed one of the balls and that was a few years ago. Besides Couselor kiramman knows she's coming. She would have said something if Vi wasn't supposed to go. Of course there is the other option but she's felt Caitlyn getting ready and Vi knows when Caitlyn has gone through that much trouble and called out of work, she's going to be there. Vi refuses to entertain the idea that they are actively seeking to confuse or hurt one another. Caitlyn is going to be there and Vi still has no idea what she's going to say when she sees her again.

“What if she doesn’t want to talk to me?” She blurts out. 

Vander blows out a long breath and rubs at his scar. The fact that it takes him this long to consider what to say doesn’t make Vi feel great about what’s about to happen. Vander always tried to say that he was useless with words. That it was Silco who had the silver tongue. Vi knows that's not true. Silco does too. They speak differently but they both know what to say. Except to each other. For a while anyway. It's still weird to think that all the pain and anguish was changed because Vander went to him for help. Help for her. Vi thought their lowest point was that time. When they were both full of hurt. But she was so wrong. There was hurt but she hadn't realized here bad it was. Or maybe she had and she thought that of they just kept pushing on it would be fine. But it wasn't. Now instead of a wound they had an infected one. One that hurt with the slightest touch. Vi had always had the higher pain tolerance, but Caitlyn had always been the one who figured out how to make the pain stop. Vi can face the pain and scream in its face, but it doesn't matter if she's screaming by herself. Vi looks at Vander as he sighs and meets her gaze.

“If it’s not today, that doesn’t mean she never will,” he says, “it just means she doesn’t want to talk to you right now,” Vander continues, “you know that will change.”

Vi can only nod. She knows because she felt that way too. Her left cheek itches in a reminder. If Caitlyn hadn't given her space- Vi cuts the thought off. She hadn't wanted to speak to Caitlyn after the tear gas training had turned her back to a kid screaming for her mama. Since Vander had to carry her away and Benzo had to pour that stuff in her eyes. Even though she was an adult she had still clung to Vander. She had still trusted him to get her somewhere safe. She has to trust him now, even though she wants to rattle off every dark thought she's had since she went back to the noodle shop and discovered Caitlyn had told them to put all of Vi's orders on her tab. Vi had paid in cash and walked out not knowing what to do. There had been a time when Vi never would have imagined Caitlyn would reject her so directly. Not because she didn't have every right to but because she just didn't do that. Caitlyn didn't even say Powder couldn't sleep over. Now she won't even let Vi pay for noodles.

It’s another shift.

Vi hates it.

She doesn't even get to blame anyone else this time. Last time in the heat of the moment she got to say this wasn't her fault. She didn't instigate the monumental shift. She didn't show up dressed as Caitlyn's worst nightmare and look excited. Except this time she did. She dragged Caitlyn to the drop and crossed that line. She made Caitlyn think she was ready. She knew she wasn't. Somewhere deep down she knew and she did it anyway. She was fourteen when she met Caitlyn, but Vi thinks she may have been smarter back then. Kinder. Or maybe she was just doing the exact same thing and pushing herself forward. Back then her entire life had been about surviving in a world that wanted her and everyone she loved dead. That world was made by Piltover. Fixed by Piltover. But Vi has always known there was a festering side of it. A side that never forgot. Vi thought Vander pulled her to the other side. Now she knows it’s not that simple. She's let everything fester and brought that hurt into a place it doesn't belong. Now Caitlyn won't even let her buy her a bowl of noodles. It goes against every instinct Vi has to give Caitlyn space.

“What if it doesn’t?” 

The thought slips out even though she doesn’t want to say it and Vander doesn’t need to hear it. He’s trying to comfort her, Vi doesn’t just want to say the worst case scenario. But Vander doesn’t look upset at the words. He doesn’t even look more tired, like Vi is half expecting. Instead he shakes his head. When he looks at her there’s a fondness there that wasn’t at the surface a few minutes ago. 

“It will,” Vander says. 

There’s something in his gaze that cuts off the urge to press him for more answers. He can’t see into the future, but if there’s one person whose walked this path and come back with it with—something, it’s him. And, most importantly, Vi feels her arches pull. Which means Caitlyn is not going to be there, she’s inside. The nerves still make it hard to hurry in, but Vi manages all the same. She hears Vander swear behind her but her focus is in the ballroom. Unwilling to be caught on the stairs like some kind of prey, Vi practically sprints down them to lose herself in the crowd. There’s only one person she wants to know is there and they always do. Vi makes her way over towards the dance floor, knowing that if Caitlyn’s feet are stretching like that, that’s where she’ll be. Vi glances over her shoulder to see Maddie standing on guard duty. A stab of something embarrassingly close to triumph surges through Vi before she re-focuses on the task at hand. 

Not that it’s much of a task. 

Caitlyn is right there. 

Caitlyn is on the dance floor, moving to the song as easily as if she was walking. Caitlyn has always been a good dancer, but she’s never acted like one. Now she does. She moves Mel across the floor, leading the dance with her movements as confident as if she were doing something she enjoys. Vi’s stomach rolls when it occurs to her she doesn’t know the last time she and Caitlyn ran across the rooftops. Or if that’s even something Caitlyn likes anymore. Vi stopped enjoying drinking when she began to work at the bar. Does Caitlyn even like shooting? The tumultuous thoughts are pushed away as she focuses on Caitlyn turn them and guide Mel into a dip. Then Vi’s entire body shivers as she realizes the dress Caitlyn is wearing is completely backless. Not the usual low back she’s seen her in. Vi can see every muscle flex as she dips Mel. She holds her there for just a fraction longer than the song calls for and Vi is treated to the sight of every muscle in Caitlyn’s back working as she pulls her back up. The dark blue of the dress is familiar, but there’s no geometric lining. Nothing gold on her. Actually, Vi realizes, there’s nothing metallic on her at all. No jewelry, no embroidery, it’s just Caitlyn and the backless blue dress. Which would be bad enough. But the dress is some slippery kind of silk. If Vi had not felt Caitlyn getting dressed, she wouldn’t be sure she had underwear on. And even though Vi is aware, she’s not sure what she felt Caitlyn slip on is supposed to do. Besides make her lose her mind. 

Except Caitlyn glances at her, nods in acknowledgement and then turns back to Mel. 

And nothing else happens. 

If Caitlyn’s heart has picked up, it’s nothing compared to the pounding in Vi’s chest. There’s no catch of her breath or tension where she does not want there to be. Caitlyn moves Mel easily across the floor, when she catches Vi’s eye she doesn’t look away. Vi focuses on her own back to make sure she can feel Mel’s smooth palm against Caitlyn’s skin. Somehow that makes this impossibly worse. Vi has worked herself into knots and Caitlyn is eerily calm. Even though Vi knows she’s not. She knows she hasn’t been. But Caitlyn puts on that face, right down to making sure her pulse is steady. Vi wants to know where she learned that kind of control, but then she thinks of the claws that traced Caitlyn’s spine and she decides she doesn’t want to know. Not right now anyway. Not before she’s had a chance to talk to Caitlyn about one of the other billion things she wants to talk to her about. But she can’t do any of that because Caitlyn is leading Mel across the dance floor. Vi doesn’t know what to think—or if she can even string together thoughts. Caitlyn is dancing with Mel and she seems perfectly calm. And suddenly Vi wants nothing more than to throw herself off the balcony. But she didn’t come all this way to not speak to Caitlyn. She has to at least try, then she can throw herself off the balcony. Vi reminds herself that she has to listen. She cannot decide this for both of them. But after two more songs something in her snaps at the third. Before she can think she's intercepting them at the corner the dance takes them to. Vi knows this one. Caitlyn knows that. She's the one who taught it to her.

Though it looked different when they were kids.

Like everything else.

“Can we talk?” Vi asks, trying to ignore  Mel looking at her upside down.

Did the dance always have a dip in it?

Vi shoves the thought and holds Caitlyn’s gaze. She sees a storm of emotions. Then just as quickly it’s gone. Caitlyn's heart pounds and then its unnervingly calm. Vi her chest move as Caitlyn controls herself. The only lingering sign of anything is the death grip she has on Mel's hand. Vi feels Mel squeeze Caitlyn's hand finally and that gets Caitlyn to blink at least. Her eyes glance down at Mel before she swallows. She straightens Mel up and for a moment Vi thinks she's going to just dance away. But then Mel gives Caitlyn's shoulder a squeeze. Vi feels her fingers press into Caitlyn's skin and Caitlyn shakes her head. Mel smiles to her and inclines her head.

"Thank you for the dance," she says with a smile, "come save my feet later, of you're not otherwise occupied," her eyes flick towards Vi and even though the smile stays, the warmth vanishes, "Vi," she acknowledges, "good to see you.”

Vi can't speak. She just nods in acknowledgement. Her focus is on Caitlyn. They can at least look at each other, but Caitlyn quickly tips her head towards the balcony. Then she turns and walks towards it. Vi doesn't know why her chest aches as she stares at the dance floor. Caitlyn agreed to talk to her. Even though she hasn't actually said anything, she didn't just walk away. Vi fights the knot in her throat and walks after her to the balcony. She tries not to shiver at the cool air on Caitlyn's exposed spine or the jackhammer feeling of her heart leaping in her chest. Caitlyn has her back to her, the stone cool under her palms. All the coolness and Vi wants to claw her way out of her layers. She was careful to make sure her tattoo wasn't showing. But now it feels more like a hand is squeezing her throat. Between that and the burning in her gut, she could almost convince herself she's hurt. But Caitlyn is cool, Vi can see the goosebumps on her skin. Whatever Vi's feeling, it's not translating. Which means it’s just her.

“What did you want to say?”

Caitlyn's voice almost feels like healing itself. Or it would if her tone wasn't so guarded. If her words weren't so clipped. Vi tries not to think of how much Caitlyn is holding herself like her mom. How much she's speaking like her. Especially when she's speaking to someone she doesn't trust. Or someone she wants to keep at an arms length. Like her Soulmate. Vi tries not to gag at the realization, at the evidence Caitlyn was serious. All that pain over Caitlyn becoming an Enforcer and Vi has never felt more like Sheriff Grayson in her entire life. She sees the muscles on Caitlyn's back tense as she waits for an answer. But Vi is having trouble getting air into her burning throat, let alone getting words out. And just when Vi thinks she might be successful, Caitlyn turns around. Vi knows she's already looked at her. But it doesn't help. Not when their eyes meet and Vi might as well be looking into the pond in the Kiramman gardens. Caitlyn's eyes have always been expressive. Now they are guarded. Flat. Vi thought she would never hate anything like she hated watching Caitlyn's eyes fill. But watching her shut down- Vi might hate that even more.

“Hi,” she forces out, “I wanted to say hi.”

There's a billion other things she wants to say. But Caitlyn's words ring in her ears. Vi wanted them to talk, but Caitlyn asked what she had to say. The scarf feels tight on her throat. Did she do it again? It feels like it. Like she's made another decision for both of them. Apologies and explanations crowd her tongue but she bites all of them back. Caitlyn doesn't want them, that much is clear. Vi can feel the way her fingers twitch in the silk. She's trying to hide it, like Vi can't feel it. Like they aren't still connected. The back of Vi’s throat burns. There was a time when she wished that she didn’t feel what Caitlyn felt, but that feels like so long ago. It feels like they got past that. But now—now she’s thrown them back to that place. Except it’s worse. It’s so much worse this time—

Because this time Cait isn’t there. 

And Vi has no idea what to do.

Whatever combination of courage and desperation drove her to ask Caitlyn to come with her cracks at the silence. It shatters at the look on Caitlyn’s face. Vi can feel her own heart jumping. She’s shocked Caitlyn can’t hear it. Or maybe she can. Maybe she can and she just doesn’t care anymore. Vi thought everything would be better when they finally saw each other, but it’s not. It hurts more, if possible. She knows Caitlyn has spent a lifetime feeling and reacting to the pounding of her heart. But all she does now is look at Vi. No, Vi realizes. She’s not even doing that. Caitlyn is looking down. Vi watches the muscles on her shoulders tense before she looks up at her. 

“Excuse me,” she says. 

“Wait—“ Vi barely recognizes the strangled voice as her own, “aren’t you going to say anything?” 

She wishes desperately that Caitlyn would say something. But she says nothing for a long moment. When she looks at Vi it’s with that calm collectedness Vi usually sees from her mother. Caitlyn’s words hum in the back of her head as she stares at her. How they should try to be like them and not like Vander and Silco. Except her mother and Grayson remained separated forever and Vi keeps catching Vander and Silco in these quiet, intimate moments that she doesn’t know what to think of. Caitlyn looks at her steadily and Vi feels like there’s no air in her lungs even though they’re outside. Even though she can feel the goosebumps along Caitlyn’s back. 

“No,” Caitlyn says. 

“Then why are you here?” Vi blurts out. .

Caitlyn’s eyes narrow. 

She doesn’t have to say it. 

But Caitlyn’s always been made of stronger stuff than Vi can even fathom. Vi knew it but she didn’t—not really. There’s always been a safety net for Vi. And that net has always, always been Caitlyn. Except now Vi isn’t even sure about that. It feels like she’s soaring over an empty chasm for the first time in her life and she has no idea how she’s supposed to land. Especially not when Caitlyn draws herself up. 

“I thought I was ready,” she says, “I can see that I was mistaken.”

“At least you caught it in time,” Vi says, trying for anything to break the tension. 

Caitlyn shuts down so quickly Vi’s head spins. It’s like trying to follow one of Caitlyn’s bullets when she has the shot. If she thought before was bad, this is so much worse. For a moment Vi is half certain the Bond has shifted. She’s never had the courage to ask Vander or Powder what that felt like but the overwhelming dizziness makes her think this has to be it. All the air feels like it’s gone out of her lungs. She can’t make her mouth work. Which is why nothing comes out when Caitlyn dips her head. 

“Goodnight, Violet,” she says. 

And then she’s gone.

Vi opens her mouth and then shuts it. Words—words don't fail her like this. And yet she can’t say anything. She can’t even call Caitlyn back because Cait’s already slipped back inside. All Vi can do is slam her eyes shut and frantically try to feel something across the Bond. Anything. She’ll take anything. Vi can feel fabric on her arms as Caitlyn makes her way through the crowd. Then she feels the burn as Caitlyn drinks something. Ice hits her veins. It’s not that it’s the first time she’s upset Caitlyn, but feeling it so plainly rocks her. Caitlyn was fine on the dance floor. She was fine seeing her. Or she was in control. And Vi has ripped that control away from her as she feels the metal of Caitlyn’s bracelet against her lips. 

Relief slams into Vi so hard she nearly collapses against the stone bannister. 

Vi clings to the feeling echoing across the Bond. It’s still there. It’s still there and that’s the only thing that matters. It’s still there but it feels so fragile. Fragile in a way it never has before. Caitlyn won’t let her buy her noodles. She won’t let her talk to her. Vi feels like she’s lost her sense of direction. Like she’s flying through the air and she can’t see where she’s supposed to plant her feet. The disorientation leaves her clinging to the bannister. She focuses on the feel of silk and the feel of the cool metal of Caitlyn’s bracelet. On the soft feeling of Mel’s hand on her shoulder. She reminds herself none of those are injuries. She’s not just feeling pain.Their Bond is still there. But underneath it all a voice whispers that it’s not quite true. Because underneath all of the neutral sensations she can feel the way Caitlyn’s throat is tight. 

There’s no injury. 

But all Vi feels is Caitlyn’s pain. 

And somehow that’s even worse.