Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Exhausted.

That’s a fitting word for Jisungs current state. He just flopped down on his bed after a draining dance session with Minho. He really pushed him to his limits with a new choreography! Groaning he rolls over and picks his phone up. While he reads the group chat he picks himself up and gathers his clothes for a quick shower. Later they have movie night all together and he doesn’t want to show up sweaty just to be teased for it by his members.

He steps out of the room, he shares with Hyunjin, and into their bathroom. He makes quick work of his clothes and turns on some music. The hot water takes some tension out of his shoulders, but not entirely. With a sigh Jisung slumps back against the cold tiles. The temperature change sends a shiver down his spine. He just stands there for a few minutes.

As much as he likes to stay right here under the almost to hot water, he has to get out. Jinnie has to return any minute from a shooting and Han knows that he will be pissed if he can’t shower before the get together later. With another sigh he leaves the shower and gets dressed.

Back in his room he puts his contact lenses out and his glasses on. As he had predicted, Hyunjin returns a few minutes later and washes up immediately. He seems a bit tired but also hyped to see everyone. Until he is ready to go, Jisung picks up his notebook. In the morning he had a writing session with Changbin and it was a total mess! He couldn’t concentrate and Binnie wasn’t at his best either, so they had stopped early. It was the right decision but he still felt guilty about it. He should be more professional! It isn’t that hard to finish one damn song! But when he looks at the lyrics again, he still had no fucking clue what was missing! Besides that the text was only halfway written, there was also something off with it. Something just feels weird. Frustrated he shoves the book back in his bedside table.

“You stuck?” He jumps at Hyunjins voice suddenly right beside him and claws at his loose fitting shirt. “Don’t scare me like that!” Jinnie just grins at his whiny tone and starts to rummage through his things. “So?” “What?” Jisung furrows his brows confused. “Are you stuck? With the song?” “Uhhhh… Don’t ask.” He groans and drops his face into his pillow. “This bad?” “I said don’t ask.” His voice is muffled but despite that Hyunjin hears him. “Oh come ooonnn! Forget it! Tonight is movie night!” He doesn’t really want to admit it, but Jinnie is right. Tonight is supposed to be fun. He should have fun, or at least pretend to. So he lifts himself up and says in a cheery tone: “Alright, alright! I will forget it, but only if you hurry up! We have to get our pretty asses over in the other dorm!” His roommate snorts out a laugh.

/

The two of them are greeted as they arrive at the other dorm by Felix’s big smile and it immediately calms Jisung down a bit. There is just something about Felix that soothes him, most of the time. He hurries them inside the living room. All the other members are already there, spread over the room. Jisung and Hyunjin are greeted and they quickly settle down. Jisung wants to flop down beside Felix on the floor, but is pulled to the sofa by Minho. “C’m here!” He doesn’t protest. “Oi, what took you so long?” He rolls his eyes. “Jinnie had to take his beauty shower! Not that it would have made any difference!” Hyunjin shoots him a dirty look, but just a few seconds later his expression changes. “You’re right! My natural beauty is just unbelievable stunning!” He gets a few snorts, but before he can add something, Seungmin intervenes.

“Guys, lets play a game before we start the movie!” Of course everyone agrees. They quickly decide to play Uno. “Hey, what if the winner gets to choose the movie?” Bad idea Changbin, Minho thinks. Too many of the members have a terrible taste in movies and they enjoy it way too much to torture the others. But before he can intervene, everyone happily agrees. Jisung, right beside him, makes a little hop at the idea he could choose. He likes horror movies and it’s just fun to see how the other members flinch at everything. Especially Hyunjin, Jeongin and Changbin. Yes, Jisung is easily scared through jumpscares and stuff too. But he kinda likes it. At least he always had. But lately horror movies creep him out pretty much. The thought that the movie could actually turn into reality, scares the shit out of him. He hadn’t told this anyone though.

They start the game. It is pretty obvious that Minho as well as Hyunjin got very bad cards. After picking up eight cards and all the members giggling, Jinnie falls back dramatically on the second sofa. “You’re such a drama queen!” Felix, who sits beside Hyunjin, slaps him mockingly on the back. That makes him even more dramatic.

Minho shows his frustration about his cards through his knitted brows and the cracking of his fingers. Why does it have to be him? What should he do with just red cards!? He is torn out of his thoughts when Jisung slides down the sofa. He sits right in front of it to be closer to the table. Its a quick decision for Minho to move over just a little. Now, Hannie sits right between his legs. He doesn’t notices it, until Minho leans forward and speaks right into his ear.

“You have pretty bad cards. Wanna switch?” Jisung jumps. “Minhooo! Don’t look at my cards!” He tries to hide them. “Now it’s too late.” Lee Know places a hand on the shoulder from boy in front of him. “So, wanna switch?” “Mmmhhh…” Han seriously thinks about it. His cards are bad and he has no chance to win, especially because Chan has only three cards left. “Alright! Gimme your cards.” But before they can exchange cards, Binnie points at them from across the room.

“Hey, what are the two of you planning back there??” Chan’s immediately alert. “Are you trying to cheat?!” The two accused raise their hands at the same time. “Cheat? What do you think of us?”, Minho says acting hurt. “Yeah, we would never do that! We’re as innocent as… the last cookie in the jar!” Jisung exclaims. “That’s the first thing you think of as innocent? We’re more innocent!” Lee Know messes up his hair a little. “Sorry! I’m just hungry!”

That’s at least half the truth. Today he just had a short breakfast before the writing session with Binnie. He knows that he has to eat something even when he’s not that hungry.

They get huge side eyes from the members. “Innocent? Absolutely not!”, Changbin shakes his head. “Jisung’s innocent, but Minho definitely not!” Jeongin adds. And of course Seungmin has to make an absolute terrible joke. “Minho is as innocent as a person who is not innocent!” They crack out laughing, until Chan calms them down and says to continue the game.

When everyone is too focused to notice, Minho snatches Jisungs cards and gives him his. The younger one stares down on his new cards shocked. They’re trash, the absolute worst!

This filthy traitor! Jisung turns around and slaps Minhos thigh hard. “You liar! How could you do that?” Minho has the audacity to giggle!! “I never said my cards were good!”

Han crawls up the sofa and onto Minho’s lap and tries to snatch his cards back. But the other boy holds the cards just out of his reach. “Give’em back!” They are so distracted by themselves that they don’t notice the game’s end. Only when the others break out in either happy or frustrated conversations, Minho gets it. For one moment he is distracted and Jisung seizes his change.

He stretches himself further with one hand placed on Lino’s shoulder and his knees on the couch between his legs. He grabs the cards but just in this moment the older lets them go. Han is startled and can’t react fast enough when Minho goes for his waist. He wraps his arms around him and manhandles him around. Jisung yelps surprised. He sits now between his legs and his backside is pressed against Minho’s chest. Jisung grumbles a bit but doesn’t try to escape Minho’s hug.

It’s rather comfortable and he likes the elder’s touch. Just as Felix’s smile, if not more, it has something soothing to it. It always had.

As they met they immediately felt as if they had known each other for months. Their personalities just clicked. And the two of them had started to reassure the other through touch. That hasn’t changed until now.

“What about the game?” Jisung asks confused. “It’s over you lovebirds! I’m the winner! Maknae on top!” Jeongin is far too happy with this outcome. You can practically see his thought running wild. What kind of movie will he choose to torture them? But before the youngest is able to say his thoughts out loud, he is interrupted by Chan.

“Guys, before we start the movie let’s get some snacks!” Felix and Hyunjin immediately rush in the kitchen and start to rummage through it. Han would join them normally, but he starts to feel tired and Minho was pretty cushy. He doesn’t want to stand up. Chan and Binnie start to rearrange the other couch.

Normally the two sofas face each other with a table in between them. But when they want to watch TV together they have to turn one couch around. Jeongin and Seungmin meanwhile pick up all the discarded Uno cards and clean up the table.

“Where are your cards?”, asks Jeongin Han. He just shrugs. “Don’t know. Lino stole them.” Seungmin furrows his brows. “So you were cheating!” “I don’t think you can call that cheating. It didn’t work out the slightest.” “Just because you’re too stupid to cheat and win, doesn’t mean you don’t cheat when you cheat and lose.” Jeongin tries to suppress his laughter at Minho’s annoyed expression. “When you got a problem with cheating then that’s your problem not mine!” Minho points his finger at Seungmin. “No, it’s also your problem because we have a problem with you when you cheat!” Jeongin takes Seungmin’s side.

“No it’s still your problem. What do I care what you think?” Jisung starts to giggle slightly. “Yeah, Minho just cares about the opinion of his cats!” Minho just nods while he places his chin on Jisung’s shoulder. Jeongin and Seungmin roll their eyes at the same time. “Oh, I forgot. Cats are the better humans.” Seungmin doesn’t sound sarcastic at all, absolutely not. And Minho isn’t happy about the outcome of this conversation at all, absolutely not.

“So? Where are Hannie’s cards?” The maknae asks. “Behind the couch.” Minho answers unimpressed. “Why are they behind the couch?” “I dropped them.” “Why?” “Why not?” The youngest is left from words and just crouches behind the sofa to pick up the last cards.

Meanwhile Chan and Changbin finish to rearrange the other sofa. Felix and Hyunjin are finish in the kitchen too. They come back in the living room with various things. Glasses, Water and lemonade, popcorn, chips and a big plate of brownies. “I made them today!”, says Felix proudly. “My lovely Brownie-Boy!” Chan goes in for a hug and he hugs back happily.

They all settle down. Four of them on each couch. It’s a little cramped but they’re used to that by now. Felix and Hyunjin sit down beside Jisung and Minho, who haven’t changed their position a bit. Chan, Jeongin, Seungmin and Changbin arrange themselves on the other couch. “So, what are we watching?” They all look expectantly at their youngest member. “Hhmm… I have mercy with you guys! Let’s just watch Lords of the Rings!” Sounds of general agreement are heard and especially Chan and Minho are appeased.

Could be worse, Minho thinks. The movies are well produced and he especially likes the dark atmosphere and the many battles.

Jisung is not too happy with this choice. Yes, he likes the movies, but they’re so long and the members always want to watch the extended versions. He had hoped for a shorter film, so that he can look at the song lyrics again before he goes to sleep.

Chan once set the rule that no one was allowed to think about work when they have a movie night or do something else together. He wants them to relax and tries to prevent them from too much stress. And normally that works out nicely. But right now Jisung can’t seem to take his mind off the lyrics and relax.

If Chan knew that he would scold him. No, probably not. He would try to help him and assure him that it’s alright. But it’s not. Jisung knows that. All the members count on him. He can’t let them down just because he is a little stressed! He is so wrapped up in his thoughts that he doesn’t notice when the members decide on the movie of the trilogy. It’s probably the first one and the extended version. His guess is confirmed within the first few minutes that are visible on the screen.

When Bilbo’s 111th birthday party is in full swing, Jisung softly wiggles out of Minhos grasp and leans forward to the table. He grabs a brownie and a glass of water for Minho and leans back. The elder accepts the glass with a soft “Thanks” and hugs him again with just one arm. 

Jisung carefully takes a bite from the brownie and the rich chocolate dough practically melts on his tongue. He shoots Lix an approving look before he stuffs the rest of the brownie in his mouth.

While the movie plays they’re all relative quite. Just now and then someone drops a comment. Even Jisung is conspicuously quiet.

The longer the movie goes the more tired Jisung becomes. Especially when Minho starts to play with his hair, scratching his scalp. The touch is calming and lulls him finally into sleep. The last thing he sees is how the Fellowship enters the dark halls of Moria. 

Minho notices when Hannie falls asleep immediately. He had placed his head on his shoulder earlier and now breathes calmly and regularly against his throat. Minho tries not to move so much. He has the feeling that the younger one didn’t sleep too much lately. Today at dance practice he made many small mistakes and wasn’t as energetic as normally. Hopefully it isn’t something serious that’s going on.

Throughout the rest of the movie Minho continues to massage Jisungs Head and shoulders and the younger one doesn’t wake up once. He is still soundly asleep when the credits roll over the screen and the members slowly start to clean up living room. The first to notice Han, besides Minho of course, is Chan. 

“Is he asleep?” He asks in a soft voice. Minho nods. “Oh, he looks so cute!” Felix appears beside Chan and takes a picture of the two of them with his phone. 

After a few minutes the members finish the clean up and gather around the couch. “We have to wake him.” Seungmin states. “Can’t he sleep here?” Felix asks. “Then we don’t have to wake him.” “I don’t think that’s a good idea he has a shooting for a magazine tomorrow. Not too early but he better sleeps in his own bed.”, Chan says. How does he know the exact schedule from each member?, Minho wonders. Quite the leader. 

“I could carry him.” Changbin suggests but Felix shakes his head. “I don’t think he would like that.” It’s not that Jisung doesn’t like touches, quite the opposite actually. But he doesn’t like to be touched unexpectedly more often than not. He is just very skittish. “I’ll wake him then.” Minho says and nudges Jisung’s shoulder softly. He doesn’t wake immediately so he starts to shake him gently.

Jisung groans. He doesn’t want to wake up. It’s so warm and comfortable right now with the familiar scent of Minho’s shampoo in his nose. Only when someone says that they have to get over to their own dorm, he moves. Slowly he sits up and rubs at his eyes. After a few seconds he notices all the members around him. “What?”, he asks sleepily. 

Chan grabs his hand carefully and pulls him up. “C’mon, let’s go.” Jisung lets himself be guided through the dorm to the door. He’s too tired to protest. After a few tries he’s able to put on his shoes and jacket. Behind Hyunjin and safely packed between Changbin and Chan he leaves the dorm and steps outside. It’s just a short walk but the cold air sneaks in his body. When they reach their destination he is almost completely awake. 

They step inside, say their goodbyes and quickly part ways. Hyunjin lets Jisung use the bathroom firstly, before he gets ready for bed too. When they finally drop down on their beds it’s nearly midnight. 

Jisung really tries to fall asleep. He has an important shooting tomorrow and wants to be rested. But he is awake. He shouldn’t have fallen asleep in front of the TV! Why does he have no self-control?

After nearly an hour he puts on his headphones and turns on an audiobook. He just wants to sleep!

Chapter Text

Tired.

That’s how Jisung feels when his alarm clock rings. And it wasn’t even that early. 7am. Hyunjin in the other bed in the room groans annoyed. It’s nice to have a roommate most of the time, but when the other has to stand up early it is nasty as fuck. 

After a few moments of lying in bed, he needs that to prepare himself for the upcoming day, he stands up. As quietly as possible so as not to wake Jinnie further, he gathers a few of his things and steps out of the room. On the way to the bathroom he hears someone rummage in the living area. Probably Chan. He often stands up when one of the members has an early appointment, to make sure they are alright and good prepared. 

Jisung takes a quick and very cold shower before he dresses himself in comfortable but still fashionable clothes. Then he starts to make himself presentable with his skincare routine. Step by step he works his way through the process. He has done this so often, that he doesn’t have to think about the individual steps. Lastly he makes his hair. Just some basic styling because the stylist takes care of the right hairdressing during the shooting. Before Han goes in the kitchen he stretches himself a bit.

As he had predicted is Chan already in the living area and eats breakfast. “Jisung! Looking sharp, my man!” How can anyone be in a good mood this early? “Of coure. What did you expect?” He sounds way less energetic. He goes into the kitchen and starts to prepare his breakfast. He has a go to meal for days with shootings or other public appearances. Yoghurt with oatmeal and fruits and in addition a big glass of water and a small smoothie. 

The process of the preparations calms him down further until he is almost completely relaxed. He takes his meal and sits down beside Chan at the dining table. “When do you get picked up?” The elder had already finished his breakfast but stays seated. “At 9am. I’m good at the time.” Chan nods. “And you? Any plans or appointments today?” He nods again. “Yes, when Changbin stands up we want to hit the gym and later I got a meeting with the managers about the upcoming show. Oh, and I want to join Seungmin’s and Jeongin’s singing session.” “What? Does the leader have to work on his vocals?” Jisung asks mockingly. Chan smiles. “Of course! You never stop learning!” 

While Jisung finishes his breakfast they talk about the upcoming events, especially the concert they’ll play in a few weeks. They will perform at a pretty big festival in the USA. It’s their first show after a longer break and everyone is a bit nervous. Additionly, it’s the biggest festival they have ever played at and they’re the first K-Pop group ever, to perform there. But no pressure!

Time runs fast so Chan soon draws his attention to the clock. Jisung starts to clean up his belongings in the kitchen with Chan’s help. He then heads to his room. Careful as not to wake Hyunjin again he gets his bag and a few essentials he will need. Then he returns to the living area to wait for his manager to arrive.

/

Jisung gets out of the car right in front of the studio. He has been here before for a shooting for the same magazine, so he heads directly inside. His manager will follow him after parking the car. He steps into the studio and is warmly greeted by the photographer and the crew. After he introduces himself he is led into the mask. 

The stylist, a very lovely woman, who he already knows from a previous shooting, shows him the first outfit he should wear. He quickly changes into it before his make up is done. It doesn’t take too long until he ready for the first set.

The theme for this shooting is very dark but with a few conspicuous neon details and lights, to create a science-fictional world. Jisung looks pretty bad ass and feels rather comfortable. 

The photographer explains a few things to pay attention to and then the shooting starts. While he models in different poses he tries not to over think anything. He has done this multiple times already, so why would he suddenly stress about this? His thought aren’t very rational. Jisung focuses more on the instructions he gets and centers his attention to his body and it’s movements.

After almost 45 minute they are finished with the first set and look. He takes a quick break and steps outside to breath some fresh air. He is more drained as usual at shootings. He should’ve slept more. Back inside he take a few sips of water and eats a banana. After he changed again his make up gets some corrections and they head to a different set. 

This time he sits on the roof of a crazy looking building and stares down in the camera. His face is more in focus than at the other poses so he has to do a lot of different expressions. Jisung’s exhausted but doesn’t show it. Get a grip, this isn’t so stressful! Everyone else works hard too! So he clenches his teeth and continues.

/

After another two and a half hours and various changes in clothes, sets and make up they’re finally finished. He says goodbye to everyone and heads outside. A sigh escapes him. Why is he so weak right now? It feels like he has run two marathons and didn’t do just an easy shooting. 

Once he is inside the car he relaxes against the seat. It will be nearly 3pm when he arrives back at the dorm. He should continue working on the song lyrics. It would probably help him to listen to the melody at the studio again. And maybe Changbin has time to join him.

/

Back at the dorm he is greeted with silence, nobody at home. He wants to head to his room but something in the corner of his eyes stops him. He freezes. Could it be…? Slowly he approaches the dining table. On the smooth polished wood lies an inconspicuous, white envelope, addressed to him. Han Jisung. A shiver runs down his spine. Just like the last one.

Carefully he picks the letter up, as if it could explode right in his face. The same ugly handwriting, the same just a little damp paper. Everything is the same.

One of the other members must’ve taken the letter from the mail and brought it in here. 

Slowly, never letting the letter out of his sight, he walks through the dorm to his room, closes the door, puts his bag aside and sits down on his bed, the letter in his lap. He stares at it. What will be inside? Another message? Probably. What will the text say? But maybe it’s something entirely different. Yeah, just a normal letter. Nothing out of the ordinary! He just overreacts, like always!

His fingers shake as he watchfully starts to open the envelope. He hesitates before he looks inside, just a small paper. One time folded and ripped on the edges. 

Jisung holds his breath, picks the paper up and unfolds it. 

Do you remember it? The way I touched you?

Just two sentences. Nine fucking words. And his world is crashing down. Jisung can’t breathe. His body tenses. He can’t move.

The letter falls from his shaking hands to the ground. He claws at his shirt right over his heart. It beats too fast he breathes too fast. He closes his eyes and he sees him. His face, his hands. He feels them. Everywhere.

He rips his eyes open, panicked. What’s happening?! Why is this happening?! Why him?! 

He gets up hectically, stumbles over his bag and tries to steady himself on the wall. 

Everything is spinning. He can’t walk straight, can’t see straight, can’t think straight. 

Jisung stumbles through the dorm and into the bathroom. He falls painfully to his knees in front of the toilet and pukes. His finger clench around the toilet seat. He gags and coughs until he’s completely drained. Exhausted he leans back against the wall. Jisung feels like he’s under water. Barely any sound reaches his ears, he can’t feel anything. He is numb and empty. 

/

Jisung doesn’t know how much time has passed but suddenly he is thrown out of the numbness. His phone in the back pocket of his pants vibrates. A little nervously he takes out his phone and looks on the screen. 

Kangaroo:

How was your shooting? You home yet?

Wanna join singing practice?

Yes, fuck yes! He has to get the hell out of here. 

Hannie:

Yes

Where y at?

He immediately gets a reply. 

Kangaroo:

Company 

Hannie:

👌

Jisung scrambles to his feet and leans over the sink to wash out his mouth. He looks up in the mirror. The fuck? He cried? He didn’t even notice it! Hastily he throws some water in his face and dries it with his shirt. Then he rushes to his room. Without looking at the letter or the envelope at all, he stuffs them is a drawer of his bedside table. Before he finally leaves the dorm, he grabs his notebook, wallet and keys.

Jisung takes a deep breath of fresh air as soon as he steps out of the building. He has to get this letter out of his system. Before he starts walking he puts on a mask and the hood of his sweater. The streets aren’t particularly full, but this is Seoul, so there are always enough people. 

His pace is fast and he accidentally bumps into a few people. He is only slowing down when he passes his favorite coffee place. It’s a quick decision to step inside. The employees are used to see idols around because JYP is near by, so they never make a big deal over it and act professional.

Behind the counter stands a young man, who works often when Jisung drops by. He smiles when he recognizes Han and asks, “The usual?” He tries force a smile on his lips. “No, just one iced americano, please.” The employee nods and starts to prepare his order. After just a few minutes he walks out with his fresh made coffee. 

While he continues to walk to the company he takes one large sip of his drink. It tastes strong and bitter. Not his usual. Normally he prefers something sweeter like a frappuccino or a mocha. But now he has to get a grip. He takes another sip and quickens his steps. 

After a short walk he reaches the JYP building and steps inside. Jisung is warmly greeted by the person behind the reception and heads immediately in the direction of their rooms. Before he enters the small room specifically designed for singing practice he takes a few deep breaths and rolls his shoulders. He must not let anything show. Nothing, under any circumstances!

Jisung opens the door and steps inside. He is getting warmer and calmer instantly, when he sees his members. He hadn’t even realized he was cold. Chan, Seungmin and Jeongin are sitting on a sofa opposite a chair on which their vocal coach sits.

“Jisung! Come sit down here.” Chan moves a bit to the side to make room for him. He greets everyone and gratefully sits down. Luckily they don’t start a conversation but start straight away with the training. 

They start with basic warm up exercises and continue with more demanding and complex drills. He focuses just on his voice and blocks out everything else. It’s surprisingly easy to just forget everything else. His self-protection mechanisms must kick in. Amazing.

/   

“So, how was the shooting?” Their vocal coach left a few minutes ago and they are all sprawled over the too small sofa. “I think I did alright. The concept was pretty cool.” “I ‘m sure you did great!” Jeongin slaps him on the back and stands up. “You know what the others are up to?” Seungmin stands up to. “Minho and Hyunjin are dancing. Don’t know where the others are.” Chan follows the others suit. “Then lets head to them” Jisung stands up too and gathers his clothes.

They cross just a few floors to get to their dance studio. Loud music is playing when they get inside. Not just Minho and Hyunjin but Felix and Changbin are dancing the choreography of LALALALA. They don’t stop when the rest of the members enter. Instead they push themselves even harder. Perfectly synchronized they perform each dance step with precision. Immediately Jisung eyes find Minho, right in front of the others. He follows Minho’s every move.

Every time he sees him dance he is in awe again. How can anyone dance like that? That’s insane! With every move and every expression he makes he talks in his own language. Powerful. He could watch him for hours but too soon the song comes to an end. The dancers stand still for a moment, before they come to the newcomers and drink from their water bottles. They all look very exhausted, they probably worked very long. 

“Good work everyone!” Chan praises, and claps them on the back. While the drained members recover, they didn’t talk much. Only when they start to cool down and dress themselves with their sweaters, Chan asks. “So, what’s the plan for the evening?” “Let’s cook something!” Seungmin only gets furrowed brows. “And by that you mean: We cook and you just sit there and eat.” Minho deadpans. “Exactly!” The Seungmin grins. 

“What do we cook then?” Of course Chan wants to cook too. “Lets make Bibimbab.” Jisung suggests. “Yeah, I go with that!” Everyone easily agrees and they split up. Chan, Seungmin, Jeongin and Jisung will make a quick stop at the supermarket to buy ingredients, while the other sweaty and disgusting members head to the dorms to shower. After that they will all gather at the 3RACHA+Hyunjin dorm.

It takes not too much time to buy everything they will need, so they are quickly back at the dorm. Hyunjin and Changbin already finished showering so they help to unpack the purchased food. Minho and Felix arrive just a couple minutes later. 

As normally when they cook together three groups are formed automatically. The first group who actually cooks consisting of Chan, Minho and Felix. The second group who is completely lost in the kitchen but at least tries to help consisting of Jisung and Jeongin. And lastly the third group who just doesn’t give a fuck consisting of Seungmin, Hyunjin and Changbin. As soon as they start cooking the three of them flop down onto the couch. 

Jisung really tries to help to keep himself busy. The dorm brings back terrible memories from earlier so he is thankful that there is so much going on. He really tries but he is just not the best in the kitchen. After a while of struggling with cutting a zucchini Minho has mercy with him and comes to his rescue. 

“You have to cut them thinner.” The elder steps behind Jisung and takes his hands in his to demonstrate how it’s done correctly. Jisung slightly leans back into the touch. His warmth and closeness feels good. Far too soon for Jisung's liking the zucchini is cut into thin pieces and Minho steps back. He continues to prepare the food, while Han doesn’t really know what to do with himself. “You could set the table.” He happily agrees to Felix suggestion and starts to put plates, glasses and cutlery on the table. It’s quickly done. 

While the members in the kitchen finish the last steps of the recipe, Jisung steps in the living room. He squeezes himself between Jinnie and Binnie who watch something together on Changbin’s phone. It’s just some random show, but a good enough distraction until dinner is ready.

Jisung doesn’t have to wait long until Chan calls them to the table. Everyone thanks for the food and starts eating. They did a great job because it’s really tasty. Although Jisung hadn’t had that much hunger regarding today’s event, he manages to eat almost one of his normal portions. “That was really good!” Changbin calls out and he only gets approval. 

/

They clean up together and make quick work of the mess they’d made. Jisung helps too but he is a bit slower than the others intentionally. He doesn’t want the evening to end. He doesn’t want to be alone or to return to his room or to sleep. 

Fortunately after they cleaned up, all the members drop down to the couches. Jisung is squeezed between Minho and Changbin. It’s very tight but that’s exactly how he needs it right now. To feel the others pressed against him. To not be alone.

“How was your shooting anyway?” Minho turns a bit to see in Jisung’s face. “Alright I guess. The concept was pretty cool and everyone was really polite.” He forces out a smile. “Why just alright?” The elder knits his brows. “Don’t know. It was just… I was…ahhh don’t know.” He sighs. He doesn’t even remember how the shooting was, that well. And he will not try to remember anything from earlier today. Absolutely no way!

“Were you in a bad mood? Or tired?” Minho presses further. “Meh, Yeah.” Because he doesn’t want to continue talking he curls up into himself and presses his face into Minho’s shoulder. The elder automatically places his arm around him and tucks him to his side. It’s warm, cozy and smells good. It’s Lino. He doesn’t want him to leave. Jisung doesn’t want to be alone.

Lee Know gets the message that Han doesn’t want to talk so instead he starts a conversation with Changbin. They talk about dance practice and Minho points out a few things Binnie has to work on. His chest and shoulders vibrate a bit while he talks. It feels nice. Jisung feels like he could fall asleep any minute. The day’s events have drained him and he’s ready to drop dead. But he knows it’s not a good idea. The others would wake him when they return to their dorm and then he won’t fall asleep in his bed. Like yesterday. Although he knows that, he doesn’t even tries to stay awake. It’s just too comfortable and too easy to doze away.

Minho feels Jisung fall asleep right beside him. Was he really that tired from the shooting? Or was it something else? Yesterday he fell asleep on the couch too. He definitely needs more sleep. So he lowers his voice a bit to not wake him up. The other members quickly catch onto Jisung’s current state. “Is he alright?” Changbin asks. “He has never fallen asleep on the sofa two nights in a row.”, Felix adds. He was right. Jisung rarely falls asleep with others around. He is too lively for that and afraid of missing something. “We won’t wake him.” Chan decides and asks Minho: “Could you carry him into his room?”

Of course he can do that. Jisung is nothing he would call a weight. Carefully Minho lifts Jisung up and walks through the dorm. The younger one doesn’t wake up through the movement. Minho cautious lays him down on his bed and covers him with a blanket. Because he doesn’t feel very comfortable with leaving him here without an explanation he takes out a piece of paper and writes a note.

Hey, hope you slept well and it was okay that I carried you in here.

-Minho

With one last look on the sleeping beauty Minho leaves the room and closes the door.

Chapter Text

Panic.

Jisung tears his eyes open and quickly sits upright in his bed. The darkness is spinning and turning right before his eyes. He can’t stay here. It’s dangerous. He is in danger, he must go. Away. Out of here.

He stumbles, steadies himself, grabs his bag, opens the door. Dark. He can’t see. Through the hallway, the living area, the front door. Outwards. Cold air hits him. Too much, not enough. He starts walking, running. His feet move automatically. Blurry streets, blurry people, blurry lights. He hears his heartbeat in his ears. Too loud, too fast. He hears his breath come out choppily. Too loud, too fast. 

His fingers grip a door handle, open the door. He steps through it, walks past the reception, into the locker room. He drops his bag, tears his shoes out of it, puts them on, puts his headphones on. Out of the locker room, onto a treadmill. He starts running. Fast.

/

His chest rises and falls with deep breathes. Slowly he steps off the treadmill. Sweat runs down his forehead, his hair sticks to it. He takes controlled breathes while walking to the locker room. Quickly he undresses and steps into a shower stall. The water is cold. That feels necessary. Slowly he cools down. The panic from earlier, the fear, his sweat as well as the urge to run away are drowned by the water. All that’s left is exhaustion. And dejection. 

Jisung dresses himself. How was he able to grab his gym bag? How was he able to come here? To stand up, to move, to do something? He just wants to lay down. To do nothing.

He looks on his phone. 7:28am. Fuck. When did he stand up? How long had he been running?. He rubs over his face, slowly takes his things and leaves. His footsteps are heavy. He walks to his coffee place, steps in and orders. “A triple espresso to go, please.” Man, he must look desperate. He takes a large gulp. It tastes horrible. He fucking deserves that.

/

He opens the door of the dorm at 7:49am. Nobody’s in the living area. Lucky. He doesn’t want to explain himself. Quietly he walks to his and Hyunjin’s room. He had left the door wide open, but Hyunjin is still asleep. Good. He sits down onto his bed. He doesn’t want to lay down, but he doesn’t want to get up either. His gaze slides over his bedside table.

A note. He shivers. It can’t be him. It can’t be.

He picks it up. The paper is not folded, has sharp edges and is completely dry, written with a slightly messy, ornate handwriting. 

Hey, hope you slept well and it was okay that I carried you here.

-Minho

Jisung exhales, relived. Just Minho checking in on him. Everything is fine. He holds onto the paper for dear life. It’s from Minho. Jisung will be fine, Jisung is fine. He lays down on his bed and puts his headphones on again. 

He doesn’t really sleep but he’s not awake either. He just lays there and lets the time pass while he clutches onto Minho’s letter.

When he hears quiet rummaging outside his room, he stands up and gets himself ready. When he enters the kitchen Chan is already there and eats breakfast. They don’t talk much. Chan asks how he’s doing and he just lies. They are joined by Hyunjin and Changbin a short while after. They talk about this and that until Jisung says he will head to the studio. “I have to finally finish this song, I have a new idea for it.” Chan’s happy about that and tells him that he will join him in the afternoon.

On the walk to JYP he gets his second coffee of the day, an iced americano. 

/

After a few hours of working on it, Jisung is actually able to finish the first version of the song text. The text starts as a lighthearted, happy song, but right in the middle it takes a sharp turn and becomes heavy and dark. He never had thought of something like this as he started the song, but it actually is pretty good. Lastly he writes down the perfect title for this kind of song.

“LIGHTandDARK”

Jisung sits down at the computer and listens to the melody he had created earlier this week. It’s light and cheerful, just as the song should had been. He wants to keep the basic melody because it’s really beautiful. But he makes some modifications on the second half of it. A little bit mysterious, dark and heavy. When the melody is finished he starts to work on more instrumentals and beats.

It does him good to have something to do and it’s really satisfying to watch a song come to life step by step. Jisung is so occupied in his work that he doesn’t even notices how the time flys by. He is downright ripped out of his flow, when Chan enters the room. 

“Oh, hardworking Jisung! I have a snack for you!” Cheerful he sets a cup and a small box with Gim-Bap down beside him. “Thank you, Chan!” The elder leans over his shoulder and tries to get a look onto his notebook. But he closes it before he gets a chance. “How is it going with the song?” “Pretty great actually! I had some really good new ideas!” “That’s what I want to hear! So, can I get a look?” Jisung shakes his head sheepishly. “No. I want to finish it first. It has to be perfect before I show it to you! It’s a bit weird but also special!” Chan groans. “Oh, the last time you said something like that you showed us God’s Menu afterwards! Don’t make it so exiting!” Chan whines a bit more but finally agrees to wait till Jisung is satisfied with his work.

The leader drops down on one of the sofas in the room and starts to work on another song he is doing with Changbin. Jisung puts headphones on and continues working while he eats the Gim-Bap Chan brought him.

They both work on their songs silently. Just now and then they ask each other something. Sometime Binnie joins them too. The two older members of 3RACHA working together smoothly. They get a lot of work done and Jisung is also making progress. 

/

Around 5pm Chan and Changbin start to get up. “Jisung, we want to get back to the dorm and do a live. Wanna join? Some of the others will probably be there too!” He thinks about it. “Mh, I’ll come a little later I think. Just want to finish this part.” “Okay, then see you later!” The two of them leave and Jisung gets back to work.

He works for another 45 minutes, until he is ready to leave too. Of course the song is far away from finished, but he had made great progress! After he saves everything, he returns to their dorm. 

He changes into a pair of grey sweatpants and an oversized grafic shirt. Then he walks over into Chan’s and Changbin’s room. The eldest of the members sits at his desk right in front of the Computer with the livestream. Binnie is right beside him and on his bed in the background are Felix and Minho. Jisung steps in front of the camera and greets stay. The chat goes crazy and he has to answer several questions. 

“You know stay? Han works on a song and he doesn’t want to show us anything!” Binnie slightly punches him in the side.

“I told you! I want it to be finished before I show you!” “Every time he said that he dropped a banger afterwards. So get ready stay!” Minho calls from the back. “You can’t say something like that!” Jisung whines and drops onto the bed beside him. “Of course I can say that. You saw it.” He rolls his eyes. “Okay! But don’t pressure me!” “I don’t pressure you I just state facts!” 

Jisung feels himself warm up inside. He doesn’t think LIGHTandDARK will become such a huge track but he’s grateful for the support from his members. Hopefully they’ll like the song. 

The livestream continues just like normal. Most of the time he lays on the bed and is bickering with Minho. Just sometimes he gets up. They end the stream around 8pm and go to get something to eat. The evening goes by without anything special and soon he drops down in his bed. 

Just like he had done the whole day he ignores what happened in the morning. His mind is completely occupied by his new song. No thinking about anything else. Just like that he dozes off into sleep. 

/

The next few days are similar to that. He stands up early goes to the gym or to dance practice and heads to the studio after that. In the afternoon he takes a break and joins one of the members for singing/rapping practice or to grab something to eat. Most of the time he returns to the studio after that. 

One late afternoon he sits in the studio at the computer and stares on it. Ha! He finished it! One more time he listens to the song completely. It’s really good. Not God’s Menu, Back Door or Maniac good. Different, but pretty nice. 

Jisung sits there for a few minutes and just doesn’t do anything. He should probably show it to the others. But something stops him. Right now this is just for him, his own song. He thinks it’s great, one of the best songs he’s ever made. But what will the others think? They will tell him their true opinion. And that’s good but he’s a little afraid. Before he can overthink it further, his phone rings. 

Grumpy Cat:

Yo

Wanna grab dinner?

Quokka:

Sure

Where y at?

Grumpy Cat:

Outside the company

Jisung gets up immediately and leaves the JYP building. Just like he had said Minho stands right in front of the building and waits for him. 
“Tteokbokki?” He asks without a greeting. Jisung nods and they get going. He feels like something is up with the elder. But he doesn’t ask. When Minho has to say something he will. With just a few words they reach their favorite Tteokbokki place. It’s very small, but the food is really tasty. They settle down and order. Right after their food is served Minho begins to talk. 

“You know, I am really mad at myself. There is this dance move in one of the new choreographies and I can’t get it right. I have done it correctly a hundred times in other choreos. I don’t understand it!” He lets out a frustrated sigh. “It’s just something about the way it’s combined with other moves that drives me insane. I mean, I am the fucking lead dancer! How will anyone be serious with me when I can’t get this easy move right!? And I snapped at Hyunjin earlier, he just wanted to fucking help. That’s just… I mean how can I be serious with this?!”

Jisung thinks about what he should do. Usually he would distract Minho after he told him what’s bothering him to get his mind to something else. So why doesn’t he just…

“You know what? I finished the song today. It’s called “LIGHTandDARK”.” Minho’s eyes widen. “What? Have you shown it to anyone?” “No. Wanna hear?” The elder nods immediately so Jisung gives him his headphones. He waits until he had put them on and then starts the song.

He watches Minho’s expression throughout the whole song. Right where the song changes, his eyes widen and he can’t suppress his grin. As the song ends he doesn’t put down the headphones. “Play it again.” Jisung grins too.

After the song ended for the second time the elder puts the headphones down. Jisung waits eagerly for a reaction from him. “It’s really good!” An invisible weight drops down from his shoulders. “You think so?” “Yeah. It might be one of the best songs you’ve ever made.” Jisung’s so relieved! “Yes! I thought the same!” “And the change in the middle! Completely out of nowhere and then this fast rap! It’s so good!” Jisung can’t stop smiling. “Yeah, this rap is my favorite part too!” “How did you come up with this idea? I mean it’s just so different.” “Mh. I had this melody in my mind and it was very happy and cheerful so I started to write a text similar to that. But it just didn’t feel right. And then a few days ago it just clicked.” Minho nods. “I noticed that. You were constantly away with your thoughts and I barely saw you.”

Oh. Minho noticed that? “Mh, yeah sorry.” “It’s alright. Just don’t get to caught up in work again. I need attention.” They grin. “Oh sorry I forgot that I’ve got a massive, grumpy cat!” 

They bicker a little bit around while they finish their meal. And it does Jisung really good. He hadn’t noticed how the past week had affected him. Negatively. Now just everything feels better.

”I am very happy I showed it to you first.” “Oh, I’m happy about that too! But you have to show it to the others! This song will definitely be in the album, and if I have to beg Chan on my knees!” 

/

Minho had forced Jisung to tell the others that the song is finished and that they could listen to it. As fast as possible they all gather at the dorm. Jisung feels a bit nervous when they all sit down on the couches. His phone is connected to the speakers as he presses play. He watches the members while they’re listening and gets a few approving looks for the first part. But when the beat stops for a few seconds and Jisung’s voice as deep as it could possibly go says “Dark times.” and then the fast rap parts comes, he gets gasps and wide eyes. 

“Oh my god! That’s insane!” Felix says. “It’s really good but it’s really different too!”, says Hyunjin approvingly. “Yeah, I never had expected this turn.” Jeongin agrees. “It’s amazing how the hook in the first part is the exact same as in the second part but means two entirely different things.” Chan looks impressed. “That one rap part was fire!” Changbin’s impressed too. They all want to listen to it a second time.

Jisung’s so happy that they like his song. It’s really relieving. 

They spent the rest of the evening huddled together on the couch talking about the upcoming events. In the coming week they’ll have to start preparing for the concert. Of course they can’t dance to every song, so they have to decide to which ones they’ll dance and which parts of them too. They also have to make adjustments on a few choreos when the stage is not ideal. But that is mostly Chan’s and Minho’s job.

While Minho is talking to Chan about the preparations they have to do, his thoughts wander elsewhere. He thinks about the way Jisung smiles right now beside him. He hasn’t seen that smile much lately.

At first he hadn’t really noticed the change in Jisung’s behavior, but with some time it became more obvious. There are so many little things. For example he has stopped chugging his food down in one go. Or Jisung has stopped singing spontaneously at inappropriate moments and his nervous tics have increased. He picks at his nails or fidgets with his hands or feet more often. Minho isn’t really sure what caused it and why it doesn’t go away. And then he had started to work on this song constantly. He was in kind of a zone and Lino isn’t sure if it’s good that it’s over.

There is just something Jisung doesn’t tell him. Or maybe it’s over now? Maybe he was just stressing over this song and now that it’s finished he turns back to normal. Minho doesn’t really know. 

Minho is torn from his thoughts when Chan asks the group: “How about a dance practice tomorrow afternoon after we have determined a set list. We can go through all the choreographies and improve our synchronicity.” Everyone agrees and they decide to meet around 4pm. 

Because it’s already pretty late, they split up. Minho, Felix, Seungmin and Jeongin return to their dorm. When Minho lays down in his bed he can’t stop to think about Jisung. The feeling that he misses something about him, doesn’t sit right with him. And he also can’t forget his smile from earlier when he showed him the song for the first time.

Chapter Text

Tired.

Jisung just woke up but is despite it tired. He didn’t even wake up that early or had a nightmare. Or maybe he had a nightmare and just didn’t wake up? He definitely didn’t slept well. Slowly he stands up and makes himself presentable before he steps in the kitchen. Changbin has breakfast while Chan is already halfway out the door. 

Jisung flops down beside Binnie and steals some of his food. “Oi, make food for yourself!” “Nah. I just can eat yours.” He steals another few bites from him and then leans back in his chair. “Doing something today?” Changbin shakes his head. “Besides the dance practice, no.” “Me neither.” “Wanna write a song?” Jisung nods as exited as he can be in his current state. “Yeah, but let’s make it as quick as possible!” “Uh, yeah. We’ll finish it today!” “And about something really stupid, like…shoes! Or something like that, I don’t know!” “Yes, I go with that!” Jisung’s energy rises at the thought of making a funny song with Changbin.

They’re wildly brainstorming while they gather all the things they’ll need and head right to the company. As soon as the two of them enter the studio, Changbin starts to search a random instrumental from the internet. When he found something useful he starts to take several modifications. Jisung meanwhile writes a text. He has never written a text as stupid like that, but he has a lot fun. It also does him really good to have something he can put his mind to and keep him from unpleasant thoughts.

And just like that they work throughout the whole late morning, midday and early afternoon. By the time they have to head to the dance studio the two of them have a quickly recorded version of the song finished. “It’s literally so stupid, but I love it!” Jisung cheers. “Yeah, and it’s definitely the song we made the fastest ever!”

Jisung and Changbin are both in a very good mood when they enter the dance studio. All the members except from Chan and Minho are already gathered. “Guys we have to show you a song! It’s so stupid that it’s genius again!” “Yeah! We made it completely from scratch, like today!” Binnie adds. Jisung immediately connects to the speakers. Just as he wants to press play, the door opens and the two missing members step inside.

”Sorry guys we’re a little late!” Chan calls out. “No problem! You came at the perfect time actually! We want to show you a song we made today!” Jisung is exited. He really is! Nothing is acted right now!

The song starts to play and resounds loud in the studio. Binnie and Jisung can barely hold onto their laughter while they watch the others react to the lyrics. It’s really funny to see how their curiosity changes into confusion and then into amusement. When the song ends Jisung is laying on the floor hardly breathing from laughter, soon to be joined by Changbin. 

Minho sees Jisung rolling across the floor cackling and is sure that everything is alright again! He was just stressed about the song and now that he finished it, he is back to his old self! Minho is extremely relieved. It’s just so freaking adorable to see Jisung laughing that hard at his own joke.

Little by little every member joins in on them until they’re all panting heavily. “Actually,” Jeongin says between two heavy breaths, “it’s not even that weird. I mean how many songs do we have about cooking even though not even half of us can cook?” Jisung starts giggling again. “But that’s a metaphor! We are not really talking about cooking or food!” Chan protests. “Uhhh! What if we make the shoe a metaphor too! So that the text says: Your shoe is always with you! But in reality we mean: Stray Kids are always with you!” Jisung calls out, still laying on the floor. “You want us to be represented in a song through a shoe?” Chan asks doubtfully. “Yes! That’s great! I always wanted to be a shoe!” Minho sounds sarcastic, but means what he says for 100%.

Jisung just can’t stop to laugh. What’s with him? Is it the lack of good sleep or is he just turning insane? No, maybe just everything gets back to normal! It will be alright!

They continue to talk about The shoe song for a bit before Chan reminds them why they’re here. “We have determined a setlist, I already send it in the group chat.” “Yes and now we will dance every single one of it!” Minho’s grin promises torture.

/

Minho promised torture and Jisung got death! He’s laying on the floor again. But this time not because of laughter but because he suffers from the horrible dancing disease! They danced the choreographies of every single fucking song they will play on that damn festival! From start to finish! That shouldn’t be possible for a normal fucking human being! Like him the rest of 3RACHA as well as VocalRACHA are laying on the floor completely drained too! 

Just Minho this freaking god and his angels Felix and Hyunjin are standing upright. At least they’re panting pretty hard. 

Everyone needs a moment to get themself together. After everyone is back to life, at least physically, they sit down in a circle. „So, I think that was pretty solid!“ Minho says satisfied. „We will have to work on some of the choreographies that we’ll dance completely but otherwise we’re good.” The dance leader really sounds content.

“Yes, we’ll speak about that tomorrow!” Chan says. They stretch themselves a bit before they leave the company to get something to eat and then return to the dorms. When the half of the group happily steps into their dorm, Chan says: “Oh, Jisung there was a letter in the mail for you again.” 

Jisung freezes for a split second. No, no, no, no, no, no! That can’t be! Not again! Not now! Everything was fine! 

“Who sends you letters anyway? Isn’t that a bit old school?” Chan asks. “Oh?” Jisung just lies automatically. “I don’t know why, but my parents thought it was a good idea.” He chrugs. The mask he had layed over his expression starts to crack. 
“Really? But that’s cute!” He just nods and takes the envelope out of Chans hand. The paper is damp again. He suppresses every physical reaction and locks himself up behind a mask of fake gratefulness.
“Yeah, really cute.” 

Without another word he goes to his room. He’s not looking at the letter and just stuffs it in his nightstand. Jisung won’t read it. He had a good day and this letter will not ruin it! He quickly makes himself ready for bed and lays down, his headphones on full volume. He will not break! He will not read this fucking letter!

Time passes. Jisung can’t sleep. This fucking letter should go to hell and burn! It’s constantly on his mind and he can’t stop thinking! He turns to his other side and stares at his bedside table through the darkness. There in a drawer it is. With the other two letters. They haunt him. Never letting him forget his past. What will he the next threat? His next threat?

He’s shaking again, his breath is checked off. Slowly he pulls his hand out from under the blanket and reaches out to his nightstand. He pulls open the drawer and picks the letter up. It’s very dark so he pulls out his phone and turns on the flashlight too.

Hyunjin is soundly asleep and doesn’t move at all in the other bed. Jisung sits up on his matress. His fingers are unsteady as he rips open the envelope. A small paper, folded once, torn edges, fucking awful handwriting. 

I remember your every move. The way you twitched under my touch. The way you squirmed. You tried to push me away, but you are just so weak. Just a poor little boy. You’re weak!

Jisung is crying, shaking. He can’t hold it back, he’s weak. Weak! With the last strength he has, he puts the letter back in the drawer. He curls up to a ball under his blanket, headphones on full volume to drown out his thoughts. But even when he can’t hear his thoughts, there are still his feelings. Jisung has to relive everything through his feelings. He can just stand by and watch his feelings take on a life of their own. In fucking 8K.

Sometimes later, the tears stop falling. He just can no longer, he’s empty. The rest of the night he lays there. Not sleeping but not awake either. He kinda feels dead inside. 

/

When the morning comes Jisung stands up as usual. While he is in the bathroom he takes some of the tranquilizers he uses for his social anxiety. He does’t know if it will help, but he could at least try. Weak. He doesn’t eat breakfast instead he heads directly to the gym. He has to build up muscle. To become stronger. 

/

Jisung’s muscles are on fire when he leaves the gym. He never pushed himself that hard in the gym. No wonder he is so weak. Instead of going home he goes to the company. He buys a coffee on the way. In the company he goes to the studio and works on his rap technique. It’s important and he hadn’t done it that much lately. After he had finished his normal practice routine, he records himself while rapping. This helps him to find more mistakes and work on them specifically. He also tries to do a few freestyles. They’re not that bad, but he has made better ones.  

The time runs too fast and too slow all at once. He barely notices when the late morning turns into noon and then into afternoon. After he finished his rapping practice he continues with song writing. Jisung starts to finish a song he had abandoned a while ago. 

/

In the late afternoon Chan sends a text into the group chat, to gather in the dance studio. When he enters there are already Hyunjin, Seungmin, Minho and a very tired Changbin. “Jisung! You look dead! Like a walking corpse!” Seungmin calls out and Hyunjin starts giggling. But Jisung can’t bring himself to laugh or smile, because he actually feels dead inside. “Great.” He just sighs and flops down on the floor besides Changbin. 

Minho follows his every move. What’s with him again? He thought his strange behavior has ended. Well that was apparently wrong, because he looks like shit. Did he sleep badly? Minho sits on the floor, next to the walking corpse. “Are you alright?” He has lowered his voice a bit as not to put him in the spotlight. The younger sights. ”I took my tranquilizer in the morning.” 

Oh, that explains a lot. Jisung always had a little social anxiety that would kick in when he’s really stressed or just overwhelmed by too many people. That’s not ideal for an Idol of course, so he has tranquilizers with him most of the time. But they naturally have side effects. After the impact wears off, Jisung is usually a bit depressed and tired. That’s why he only takes them in an emergency. Was he this stressed this morning? Had something happened? But he knows better than to ask. Jisung wouldn’t want to talk about it. 

“You want a hug?” Minho asks. When Jisung gets anxious he is very different each time. Sometimes he needs touch from someone he trusts to calm down and sometimes he can’t stand it. That’s why he always asks.

The younger nods and immediately leans against Minho when he hugs him. It shouldn’t feel that good. He shouldn’t need someone to comfort him. Jisung’s just so weak. That’s embarrassing. But he can’t seem to bring himself to let go, so he just stays right there until all the members are together. 

He still doesn’t want lo leave the hug, but he can’t be that weak in front of everyone. They count on him. He takes one last deep breath with Minho’s scent and then gets himself together. He stands up like everyone else and they gather around Chan and their choreography coach. 

”So, we had a meeting today! Now we know which parts of which songs we will dance. And we talked about the layout of the stage too.” Chan nods to their coach. “Yes, we will go through the show step by step.”

Jisungs sighs inwardly. He knows it’s necessary to talk the show through, but it’s so tough, and boring and long. He just has to hold on.

/

And Jisung holds on. But just barely. After they are finished with the meeting Minho takes him to the side. “You wanna go grab something to eat?” No, he doesn’t want to eat actually. But he hasn’t eaten all day so he should. And it’s with Minho. He nods. “Good. But let’s order, so we don’t have to be around people.” Jisung gets a little warmer inside. Minho is just so thoughtful. “Wanna go to yours or ours?” Minho ask while they leave the company, an arm around his waist. “Yours.” As far away from the letters as possible. The elder nods. “Alright. Any food preferences?” Jisung places his head on Minho’s shoulder. “No.”

The rest of the way they walk quietly. Minho guides him through the streets, very careful not to let people get too close to him. He also shields him from the curious looks of passerby. It just feels nice to notice that someone cares. That Minho cares.

When they enter the dorm the elder sits Jisung down onto the couch. Then he grabs his phone to order their food. The younger turns on the TV while Minho is on the phone. He just needs a little bit of background noise to not get overwhelmed from the quietness.

He feels strange. There are the side effects of the tranquilizer, his anxiety, the stress caused by the letters and the exhaustion he feels because of this draining day. But there are also the urges to push himself until he can’t even lift a fucking finger and at the same time to drop down dead on his bed. He wants to run the hell away and stay right here on the couch soon to be joined by Minho.

Jisung exhales hard through his nose. Why is everything so complicated? What is he even doing here? He shouldn’t be here and burden Minho like this. He should be able to get a fucking grip, he’s an adult! What will the other members think, when they see him like this? Or stay? What would happen when they find out about the letters? About what happened. They surely would be disgusted. Jisung himself is disgusted. He’s just so pathetic and weak.

He can’t think further when Minho returns to the couch and sits down beside him. Again he is pulled into a tight embrace. Silently they wait for their food while watching TV. The two of them don’t have to wait long until the doorbell rings and their food arrives. It’s nice to sit together on the sofa and eat but Minho wishes Jisung would feel better. He just can’t stand it to see him miserable like this and isn’t able to do something about it. 

Why is his anxiety getting worse? Is it because of the upcoming concert and the comeback after that? But normally Jisung would talk about something like that. At least to him. Minho knows Jisung isn’t too comfortable to talk about his real feelings because he doesn’t want to seem weak. That’s a common problem in Stray Kids actually. But the two of them were always open with their feelings.

“You know.” The elder starts, “I want to go home on Sunday. It’ll probably be the last chance to see my friends and family before we fly to the USA and start to work on the comeback afterwards.” “That sounds nice.” “Yeah. Wanna join?” Jisung’s eyes widen slightly. “You want me to come?” “Sure. You never saw Soonie, Doongi and Dori anyways.” The younger smiles slightly. “You would grace me with this honor?” “Only because it’s you.” “Oh, I’m flustered.” “You better be.” 

Jisung feels better now. He ate something, got invited to visit Minho’s home to see his cats and is wrapped up in his arms. He could falls asleep right now. But before he can doze off, they hear the door open. Felix, Seungmin and Jeongin are back. “Oi, you ordered?” “That’s unfair! Why didn’t you say anything?” Seungmin and Jeongin complain. “Because we don’t like you.” Minho says. “Ahh, you really hurt my feelings when you say something like that!” Seungmin says dryly while dropping down on the second couch. The other two follow.

”You better head back Jisung. Otherwise you’ll fall asleep again.” Felix says. “Ugh. I don’t want to.” Jisung mutters into Minhos chest. It’s too fucking comfortable to leave. “It’s okay. You can sleep here if you want.” “Really?” The younger hopefully looks up to Minho. “You just have to write Chan.” Faster than anyone had thought, even himself, he could move in his current state, he gets to his phone and writes Chan.

Hannie:

I sleep at the other dorm.

As always Chan replies immediately.

Kangaroo:

Why? You alright?

Hannie:

Yeah, just tired. Don’t wanna stand up

Kangaroo:

Okay then

”He said it’s okay.” 

Soon they make themselves ready for bed. Jisung is really grateful to the members because they don’t make a bid deal of him sleeping here. It’s not like it’s the first time but it’s not normal either. They probably sense his current state of mind and show consideration. Before Jisung can fall into self loathing thoughts again, Minho pushes him to his room and down into the bed. It is basically the exact same like his own in the other dorm but just feels completely different. Not so cold and dangerous. He feels like he won’t have nightmares in Minho’s bed.

He crawls under the blanket und takes a deep breath. It smells like Minho. The elder lays himself down right behind him and pulls him to his chest. “Is this okay?” He asks. Jisung nods. It’s not the first time they slept like this but something feels different from usual. Jisung feels a little… tingly.

Minho doesn’t feel tingly. He can hear his heatbeat fasten a little instead.

”Good night, Sungie.” 

Chapter Text

Save. 

That’s how Jisung feels when he wakes up. He is still comfortably tucked away in Minho’s arms, his face pressed into his chest and his arm thrown over his middle. The elder moves slightly, but Jisung stays where he is. He doesn’t want to face the world. “Are you awake Jisung?” “No.” He mumbles. “That’s too bad, ‘cause we have to get up.” “No.” “Yes.” “No.” “We have to get ready for dance practice.” “No.” “You’re gonna say no to everything.” “No.” “You want to stay in bed?” “Noo… I hate you.” He says with no heat behind it. “Yeah I know. The people who hate me always sleep in my bed with their face pressed in my chest.” Jisung can practically hear the grin in his voice. “Shut uuuupp.” “Noo, ‘cause we have to go.” “I don’t want to.” “Never would’ve guessed that.” 

Minho sits up and drags the whining Jisung with him. “Look, Felix is already up, too.” The elder says and nods to the other bed in the room. “What a monster.” Jisung says, his face appearing from his chest. His eyes are puffy and his hair is a complete mess, absolutely adorable. 

Slowly they stand up and make themselves ready. “Can I borrow some of your clothes?” Minho agrees a little too happily for Jisung’s liking. But he doesn’t think about it further, and puts on a loose pair of grey sweatpants and a slightly too big black hoodie. Minho doesn’t want to admit it but he really likes to see him in his clothes. These sweatpants do things to him he will never be able to say out loud. And he looks pretty cute too.

When they come into the kitchen Felix, Seungmin and Jeongin are already having breakfast. “Oh, Jisung you look so cute!” The maknae calls out. “No, I don’t.” “Yes, you do.” Minho confirms and pushes him down on a chair. They breakfast together and then leave the dorm. After a short detour to the other dorm for Jisung to pick up some things, they head to the company. The other members are already there, when they enter the dance studio.

“Hello guys.” Chan greets them. “You’re looking cute Hannie!” Changbin says. Jisung had excepted his fate and just gracefully swings his imaginary long hair behind his shoulder. “I’ve been told that before.” 

They bicker a little bit around until their choreographer comes and starts the training. They go through the first part of the show again but this time they dance the parts for real. It’s not as exhausting as the training the day before yesterday. Maybe because they dance less or he is just fitter than that day. It’s actually quite funny, because the atmosphere is very good and relaxed.

Jisung feels well rested for the first time in days. The different surrounding while he slept did wonder to him. Maybe he should start to sleep at the other dorm more often. No, that would be way to obvious. The others would start to ask questions. But he has to do something about this whole situation. The letters not only affect his sleep schedule and sleep quality, but they also stress him out permanently. Jisung really can’t afford that, especially with the upcoming concert and the comeback.

So what should he do? Definitely not tell anyone, thats off the table. Firstly he should get rid of the letters in his nightstand. He’ll just throw them in the trash and that’s it! And then he will talk to the security of their dorm building to not accept any handwritten letters again…

…Wait. That couldn’t be true! How could he…

How does he know his address. Does he know his address??

Normally fans or anyone who doesn’t knew their address send their letters or packages to the company. Then the staff sorts them and forwards them to the members or their managers. And that only occasionally otherwise they would be drown in a constant flow of messages. Maybe because the letters didn’t seem like fan letters the staff had forwarded them instantly? That would explain it, but it is still strange. 

During the rest of the practice he thinks through every option how the letter could have gotten to him. It stresses him out. How could something like that happen? Will it happen again?

/ 

They end the training in the early afternoon and part ways. 3RACHA heads to the studio, DanceRACHA and the choreograph stay here to develop new chores for the finished songs, and VocalRACHA wants to film a video for their Youtube channel. 

In the vocal studio, 3RACHA make themselves comfortable on the couch. “So, for the comeback we have to decide which finished tracks we use.” Chan says. 

They write songs all the time and just a handful of them will actually be recorded or released. So they have a wide selection to choose from. Usually they pick a few songs that absolutely have to be on the album and then think of a concept which connects these tracks. After that they write a few more songs matching. Or sometimes times they think of a concept first and then choose the songs.

”Yeah. I think LIGHTandDARK has to be on it as well as DeepInside.” Changbin replies without hesitation. “Agreed. I think Perfect would be nice too.” Jisung says a bit apprehensive. He wrote this song together with Minho and Felix. It’s not a masterpiece, but it’s really happy and funny. You can’t help but smile when you hear it.

Chan nods. “Mhm. I feel like GO too.” The two others nod. This is a very energetic, powerful song written by Chan and Changbin.

The three of them start to dig deep into their notebooks, to find some forgotten jewels. It takes time. A lot of time, really. But in the end they had collected a few finished and half finished songs. After the show in the USA they will figure out a concept and finish the album with other professionals from the company.

/

They end their session pretty late and go out to eat something. That’s not unusual, but Jisung feels uneasy. He’s exhausted and stressed. It’s like he has been on a emotional rollercoaster. He is absolutely miserable and in the next moment happy, or he switches from dead inside to warm and taken care of by Minho. It’s damn, fucking straining. In the morning he was well rested and comfortable until he started to think about him again. Now he is just really nervous and angsty.

As they walk through the streets and get noticed by some fans, Jisung feels a little tingle from his social anxiety crawl over his spine. It’s not that bad yet rather a warning to get out of this situation quickly. He knows he’ll have a panic attack when the foreign come too close. Unobtrusive he slips behind Chan to hide and get out of their sight. As cautious as the leader is, he just shields him from the other people without asking. Changbin joins in and together they politely fob off the small crowed. Luckily the STAY’s are not very intrusive and back off without making a fuss.

They continue to walk and don’t mention the situation, but the two older ones take Jisung into their midst. This kind of situation had happened before so they know how to deal with it.It calms Jisung down to know he is save in their company. Later when some time had passed and they finished eating Chan asks concerned: “Is your anxiety getting worse again?” “Yes, but it’s not that bad, I’ll manage.” Jisung assures while not meeting the other’s eyes. “You know you can always talk to me, to every one of us. Please say if something is wrong.” The younger one nods but inwardly shakes his head. He will not burden them with his unimportant problems.

/

When Jisung is back in his room in the dorm his uneasiness has grown again. He can’t take his eyes off this one drawer in his nightstand. This stupid, fucking letter. With shaky hands and rushed movements he opens it and grabs the papers. He doesn’t looks at them just takes them across the room to his wardrobe. Without care he stuff them under a stack of shirts he rarely uses and bangs the doors close. This will do. He doesn’t want to throw them away in the dorm, because of the risk the others could find them. When he has time he’ll take them out and throw them away elsewhere.

When Hyunjin arrives, Jisung goes to bed with his headphones again. He develops a habit. While he tries to fall asleep he thinks of the next few days. Tomorrow they’ll practice the second part of the performance from the show and maybe go through the whole thing too. The day after that is Sunday and he will visit Gimpo with Minho. Normally they don’t really have off days, but before a show, tour or a comeback JYP is more lenient and allows them to visit their home more often. Jisung’s exited to visit Minho’s friends and family and of course his cats too. But he’s also a bit nervous. What if they don’t like him? And what if his anxiety kicks in or he has a panic attack? What if…

No! He has to stop this! Why is he painting everything black already? Then it can only get bad! 

Jisung’s thoughts return to the upcoming events. Their flight to Chicago is early on Wednesday and because of the weird time zones they will arrive in Chicago early on Wednesday morning too. The rehearsal is scheduled for Thursday and the show is on Friday evening. Hopefully thats enough time to deal with the jet lag and maybe they have enough time to see a bit of the city. Maybe he could visit some sights with Minho.

What’s Minho probably doing right now? Probably sleeping. In his bed. Jisung would love to be in his bed right now. With him. Minho would hug him from behind and Jisung would warm up fast. And he would fall asleep without troubles and without nightmares. What wouldn’t he do to make that come true!

But what is he thinking right now?! That’s not normal and he will immediately stop! No further thinking about Minho that way, he’ll sleep now!

That’s easier said than done. He tosses and turns in his bed a while until he finally dozes off to sleep. 

/

The next day is long and full of dance practice. His sleep was not really resting again so he is pretty tired and not as energetic as usual. Although his current condition will probably soon becoming the new usual. After practice they go out together and eat. Minho and Jisung are not the only ones who leave tomorrow. Hyunjin and Seungmin visit their families too. The rest of the members will probably spent the day together and do something fun.

As they walk back to the dorms together, Minho slings an arm around Jisung’s shoulders. “About tomorrow. I’ll borrow a car from the company.” “Okay. When do you want to leave?” The younger slightly leans against the other one. “Mh, I wanted to meet up with my friends around 10am. That’s why we don’t have to leave that early. Should I pick you up around 9:20am?” “Yeah, sounds good.” The younger agrees.

When they say goodbye in front of the 3RACHA+Hyunjin dorm, Minho gives Jisung a quick kiss on the forehead. “See you tomorrow, Sungie.” 

He enters the dorm with a tingling forehead. Jisung has to suppress the urge to touch the spot where Minho’s lips had kissed him mere minutes ago, constantly while he gets ready for bed. Only when he lays in his bed with Hyunjin sound asleep in the other bed and darkness surrounding them. He carefully strokes his forehead. 

It’s not the first time Minho had kissed him like that, but the first time the touch lingered. Jisung recalls the sensation again and again, he can’t stop himself. The elder one had slightly leaned over him, his arm still around his shoulders. Were his eyes closed or had he watched Jisung? 

He can’t stop his thoughts from wandering further. Imagining how Minho continues to kiss him. He would place his hand on his cheek to turn the younger’s face. And then Minho would lean forward and press his lips on Jisung’s. The kiss would be fast and rough with tongue and teeth. Minho’s hands would wander all over his body, slip under shirt, touch his hot skin. Jisung would lean into him, throw his arms around the others neck, desperate for him. Minho would push him back against a wall, cage him with his arms on each side of his head. The older one would kiss along his jar and down his neck. He’d suck on his skin, spread hickeys over his neck and collarbones. Jisung’d moan when Minho presses his thigh between his legs and…

Jisung is breathing heavily, his skin tingles. He’s agitated and… Oh fuck. He is hard.

What the fuck is he thinking?? That’s not good!! That shouldn’t happen!! Minho is his best friend! He’s a guy! They’re Idols in the same group! Minho doesn’t want anything from him! They’ll never do something like that! They mustn’t!

Jisung tries to think about something else. He really tries. But it just doesn’t work. He’s too weak. 

It’s the first time in a long time, he dreams about sex. 

Chapter Text

Hot.

Jisung is practically burning when he wakes up. Images from his dream play repeatedly before his eyes. Minho leaning over him, caging him with his arms and body against the mattress. One of his thighs pressing between Jisung’s legs, while he kisses him wildly. Their tongues slide against each other while they breath the same air. Minho swallows every little sound the younger mades greedily. His hands roam over his bare chest, over his abs, pecks. He twists Jisung’s nipple between his fingers. 

Horrified he quickly jumps out of his bed. As fast as he can with his hard on, he rushes to the bathroom and locks the door shut. He can’t hear anything in the dorm, the others must be still asleep. Better this way!

Jisung throws off his squirrel pajamas and frees his aching cock from his boxer shorts. Fuck. How can he be this fucking hard for Minho?? He should, but he can’t ignore his little problem right now.

Almost tripping over he steps into the shower and turns on the water. Just when the first drop of warmth splashes onto him, he grips his erection hard. Jisung can’t help but to let out a soft moan at the touch. It’s feels like it’s been ages since he last came. He hadn’t had time for it or he was too stressed out. But right now it feels fucking amazing!

Jisung leans back against the cold tiles and closes his eyes. He images Minho looking down at him, pressed against him. One hand gripped at his waist, while the other strokes his cock fast. Jisung moans and whines greedily. The touch’s not enough. But Minho only smirks down at him amused by his desperation, teases him with his thumb at the tip of his cock. His other hand wanders over his abs, his pecs to rubs his nipples. He gasps and Minho uses this opportunity to kiss him open mouthed and sloppily. Their tongues align, the younger one moaning into the others mouth. 

Jisung’s hand quickens around his erection, as he images the older one kissing down his jar to his neck. He kisses, licks and sucks on his soft skin until it’s sore. Minho licks tenderly over the stressed areas to soothe them until he suddenly sinks his teeth into the flesh of his shoulder.

Jisung’s hips buck forward into his own hand when he comes, moaning loudly. He can see stars before his closed eyes while he strokes himself through his orgasm. When the overstimulation becomes too much to bare he drops his hand. Heavily panting he stands under the shower spray, the water easily erases all visible traces of what he had done.

But his mind can’t forget. What the actual fuck? What. Has. He. Done. He can’t be bloody serious! Jerking off to his best friend?? How the hell will he be able to look Minho in the eyes ever again? Jisung is embarrassed, ashamed even, but he must admit that was the best fucking orgasm he had in years! Maybe the best he had ever had!

He slowly calms down from his high and washes up properly. Before he steps out of the shower completely he turns the water on cold, freezing cold. It’s a punishment, he better not do this ever again!

/

Jisung leaves the bathroom after he made his skin care and brushed his teeth. Hyunjin is still asleep, but he hears rustling from the other room. It’s only 8am that means he still has plenty of time till Minho picks him up. He has to do something to distract himself so he decides to do something social for once and prepare breakfast for the members. Because Jisung’s known not to be the best cook he just prepares porridge and toast with omelette. Chan comes into the kitchen when he’s halfway finished.

”Oh, Hannie are you making breakfast?” He rolls his eyes playfully. “No, I’m building an atom bomb.” “Who’s building an atom bomb?” asks Hyunjin yawning as he walk into the kitchen. “Jisung makes breakfast.” Chan explains. “Oh, thats definitely a bomb, wouldn’t recommend to eat it!” Changbin teases and joins them in the kitchen too. “Heyy…” Jisung whines softly. “It’s not that bad! I tried hard!” Chan pats him soothingly on the back. “Don’t mind these idiots. I’m sure it’ll be great!” 

They finish preparing breakfast together and then settle down at the table to start eating. The omelette is a bit too salty, but the rest is very decent and Jisung is a little proud of himself. He also gets a compliment from Chan and he can’t help but grin a little at that. Even the small teasing from the others can’t break his relaxed mood. 

A little while later, as they already put everything away again, the doorbell rings and Minho comes in. Jisung immediately starts to warm up in the inside from the sheer sight of him. He blocks out every thought of his dreams and imaginations from earlier today and concentrates just on the here and now. “I thought you wanted to pick me up later.” “Yeah, plans have changed.” Minho sits beside Jisung at the kitchen table. “Hyejin and Jiho want to meet later, because they want to drink something. So we will just take a cab and go to my parents house first.” “Okay.” Jisung agrees. He’s willing to do everything Minho suggests. 

“Oi, but don’t drink too much! We have practice tomorrow!” Chan warns them. They nod like well-behaved puppies. 

/

Jisung slides in the back seat of the cab besides Minho. The elder tells the driver the address and the ride begins. 

“So what are the exact plans for today?” Jisung asks slightly nervous. He doesn’t know what he should expect. “I will introduce you to Soonie, Doongie and Dori and to my parents of course. Maybe we will play some board games or so and my father will definitely cook a large lunch for us. Jiho and Hyejin want to meet up around 4pm and go bowling. Then we will probably eat and drink something.” Jisung nods. That sounds good. “You don’t have to be nervous, you know.” Minho smirks. 

“I’m not nervous!” He protests. “Sure. And what about all the fidgeting.” The older nods to his knee, which bounces up and down. Jisung feels a little blush creep in his cheeks. Jisung can hardly say that it’s Minho’s presence which completely throws him off track after this eventful morning. “That’s nothing!” He just says and forces himself to sit still. The older chuckles but doesn’t press the matter further. 

The rest of the ride they talk about a lots of different things and bicker as usual. The longer they’re together the calmer Jisung becomes. He just pushes the unspeakable things in a tiny box in his mind and locks it shut with everything he has. He can worry about that later.

The drive is not that long. Minho pays the driver and they get out of the car. They are in a suburb from Gimbo with lovely streets and single-family-homes with gardens. Minho leads the way to one of the houses. It’s one of the smaller ones with a beautifully kept garden. The garden gate as well as the window frames are red, while the rest of the house is painted in simpler colors. Jisung follows Minho through the garden to the also red front door. 

They hear the doorbell inside when Minho rings. Just a few seconds later the door is open by a small men. He smiles brightly when he sees his son and opens his arms. 

“Minho! It’s so good to see you!” The father pulls his son in a big hug. Behind the two of them they appears a lovely looking woman, slightly taller that her husband. “Minho, dear!” She calls out and pulls him into the second hug. 

Jisung stands besides them a little awkwardly until Minho frees himself. He steps to his side and puts his hand on the small of his back. His mother smiles warmly. “You have to be Jisung! We’ve heard so much about you!” Jisung is surprised when she pulls him into a hug too. “It’s so great to finally meet you!” Minho’s father shakes his hand warmly. “It’s my pleasure to meet you, Eomeoni and Abuji” He bows but is immediately stopped by Minho’s mother. “Oh please, dear! Call us Yuma and Seokju! You don’t have to be so formal!” 

Jisung is positively taken aback by how welcoming he’s greeted. He never had expected that. Sure Minho talks about parents very lovingly, but he hadn’t expected this. They are so… open and informal. His parents wouldn’t think of being like that to one of his band members. They aren’t even like that to him.

Yuma hurries them into the living room like a flock of chickens. Jisung decides to push all the bitter thoughts away for today, he can worry tomorrow. Yuma sits down at the dining table while Seokju is busy in the kitchen, making tea. But Minho pulls him in him in the other direction. “We’ll be right back! I have to introduce him to Soonie, Doongie and Dori.” With that he leads him up the stairs. “They are probably in my room.” The older says with rarely heard enthusiasm and opens the last door in the hallway. 

Jisung is immediately flooded with Minho’s scent. The room isn’t exactly large but cozy with dark mint painted walls. It has multiple windows that bath the room in daylight. The wall and floor opposite from his large bed is spiked with play opportunities for the cats. One of them lays in a comfy looking cat bed, another plays with a cotton ball while the last chills on the bed. When their owner appears their attention is immediately focused on him. Minho drops down on the floor in the middle of the room and his cats quickly gather around him. 

“Heyy. Oh my babies, I missed you too!” He starts cuddling with them. A bit apprehensive Jisung sits down beside him. “Here.” Minho puts the dark grey cat onto his lap. “That’s Dori the maknae. And that,” He points to the one in his lap. “is Soonie.” Then he points at the last cat which rubs against his knee. “And that’s Doongie.” 

Jisung starts to stroke the cat in his lap carefully. Dori’s fur is so soft! Minho does the same thing with the other two cats. They have their hands full of cats for a short time. It’s very calming just to pat them and hear their purrs. They are very cuddly and don’t want them to leave. It helps Jisung with his nervousness and he calms down further.

After almost 20 minutes Minho separates from them with a heavy heart. “My parents probably wait, we should join them.” “No, I don’t wanna leave them. They’re so cute!” “I know. We can come back later.” They step out of the room and the cats follow them down the stairs and into the living room. Minho’s parents sit at the table with teacups and a fresh brewed pot of tea before them. Minho and Jisung sit down opposite of them. 

“So tell us how you’ve been!” Yuma asks while she pours them a cup of tea. “Oh, you know it’s always busy. I’ve been working on a few new choreographies and we have to practice for the show on Friday.” “It’s in Chicago, isn’t it?” Seokju asks. “Yes, and our flight is on Wednesday.” Jisung answers because Minho takes a a sip of tea. “How nice! And after that you will probably be busy with the upcoming comeback, right?” Yuma is well informed. “Mh, that will be stressful. Especially for 3RACHA.” Minho pads Jisung’s shoulder. “Right, you write all the songs!” Seokju seems impressed. “That’s probably very difficult.” Jisung shakes his head softly. “Oh, it’s alright. We work well together and Chan and Changbin are very talented and do most of the work, so it’s not that hard for me.” “Oi, don’t lie. When we prepared the last comeback, you barely slept for weeks. And you do at least as much as the others if not more!” Jisung blushes. He hadn’t expected Minho to notice that. “Yeah, okay. It’s pretty hard, but we always managed it well.” Minho’s parents nod understandingly. “How do you develop an album, anyway?” Seokju asks while he pours him another cup of tea.

”We often have a few finished songs which we want in the album. And then we try to find a concept matching to these songs, or we have to modify them a bit. And to complete the album we produce more songs with professionals. Then we have to record them with the other members and DanceRACHA develops the choreos.” “That’s a long process.” Yuma says. Jisung nods. “You have started to choose songs, right?” Minho asks and moves a little closer to him. “Yes.” “Is LIGHTandDARK in the selection?” “Yeah, until now.” They both smile. “That’s great. I don’t want to beg Chan on my knees.” 

Because his parents look a bit confused, Minho explains: “Jisung made a song and it’s freaking perfect! And I said I would beg Chan if he doesn’t want the song in the album.” The younger one blushes. “Stop it! It’s not that good. We have made better songs.” “I don’t know about that. Maybe. But it’s definitely your best song, and one of the better songs of Stray Kids.” His tone is earnest, but Jisung can’t really believe it. “STAY will disagree with that and the members too.” Minho slightly rolls his eyes. “And what if? After all it’s my opinion that counts!” He says while he slings his arm around the others shoulder. Jisung can’t stop the soft giggle. “Oh sorry. I forgot you’re the dancing cat god, who is above us the common, simple folk.” “I’m glad you remembered!”

They bicker a little bit further around until they calm down again. Seokju stands up and excuses himself to the kitchen, to prepare lunch, but Yuma stays seated with them. 

“How did it happen that you became an Idol, Jisung?” She asks with bright smile. The younger can’t but smile too. “I always wanted to be a rapper or a singer when I was young. My parents weren’t too happy with that so I taught myself to play the guitar and the piano. I lived in Malaysia most of my live but when I graduated I came back to Korea. My parents gave me a few month to get a record deal, until I had to return to study. But I had no idea how to get a deal and then a friend told me he wants to audition for JYP and I joined him.” Jisung doesn’t like to speak about his past, but with Minho and his family it doesn’t feel as bad as usual.

”That sounds hard, especially when your parents didn’t supported you! But now with everything you have achieved, they must be really proud of you!” Jisung starts to nervously fidget with his hands. ”Well, not really. They say I should’ve done something proper.” He is always a bit ashamed to talk about his family. He had disappointed them in many points and he has not forgiven himself for that. But he wanted to do something with music so badly, so he had accepted it. It’s his fault, he brought this on himself. “Oh, dear! You worked so hard, you can be very proud of yourself!” 

Oh, shit. Jisung feels a wave of emotions wash over him. He can sense the tears welling up in him. He hadn’t even known that he wanted to hear those words so badly. Needed to hear them. “You have a better family now, anyways.” Minho says and pulls him into a tight hug. Jisung hides his face in the others shoulder. He can’t fucking cry right now! His breath quickens. It was such a good day! With clenched teeth he’s able to hold back his tears.

Minho starts to draw soothing patterns on his shoulders and back with his hand. He hears a chair is pushed back and someone, probably Yuma, leaves the table. Now he also scares away Minho’s parents. He’s a terrible guest! Jisung wants to leave the hug and get himself together, but Minho doesn’t let him go. He continues to hold him, until the younger one’s breathing is back to normal. Only then he lets him go. Jisung straightens himself in his chair and rubs his eyes awkwardly.

”You never told me about your parents.” Minho says his tone not interpretable. “Mh, yeah. didn’t wanna talk ‘bout it.” Jisung mumbles. “That’s what I thought. But you know you can talk to me right?” He nods. “Yes.” “You always say that and then you don’t do it again.” Jisung shoots him a guilty, but defiant look. “As if you were any better.” “Oi, it’s not about me right now.” “I disagree. Since your the dancing cat god, you have to do with everything.” He says in a mocking tone. “Oh, so it’s my fault that you’re not talking with me?” Minho goes on with his mockery. “Mhhmm, you’re a god. Can’t you read my mind?” “I’m the dancing cat god, so I can only read minds from cats and good dancers.” The elder grins. “Too bad, you’re a pretty weak god.” “Well at least I’m a god at all. What do you have to offer?” “Oh,” Jisung waves his hand in a acted bored manner. “I control this god just mentioned like a puppet on strings.” To validate his point, his hands shoot forward and attack the others belly to ticklish him. 

Minho squeaks?!?! and tries to dodge his hands. But Jisung has no mercy and tickles him further. But the elder can’t let that happen to him and he starts a counter attack. They tickle each other until they’re both breathless with laughter. The younger let his guard down just for a couple of seconds, but that’s enough for Minho to grab his hands, and secure them on the table. “Who’s controlling whom now?” He teases. 

It does Jisung incredibly good to push all his worries aside and just have fun with Minho. It’s a relief.

The two of them just talk for a while longer, until Seokju and Yuma come back in the room. They bring various bowls and plates with a lot of food with them them and set the table. “Shall we eat?” Yuma asks and looks at the two young man, who are practically glued together, with a very warm expression.

Chapter Text

Satisfied.

The food Minho’s parents prepared is incredibly delicious. All of them are really full after they finished eating and it‘s still petty much food left.

“Now I see where Minho got his cooking skills from! You are really great chefs!“ Jisung says impressed. The two of them smile happily. “Thank you! Does Minho cook often in the dorms?” “Sometimes. There is often not the time.” Minho says himself. “Of course. But you have to look out for yourselves. And stay healthy!” Yuma’s tone is earnest. “And we talked about these diets before! They keep your body in proportions, but don’t insure your health! Especially your mental health!” She shoots Minho and then Jisung a serious look. “Your health always comes first, remember that!” It’s really nice to hear these things. Of course Jisung would prefer his own mother to say him something like that. But it’s very good to hear them from Yuma too.

“Yes, mom. The members look out for each other.” She nods satisfied. “Okay, why don’t we play a board game?” Seokju asks after a short silence and they happily agree.

They play multiple rounds of different games and have a lot of fun. The atmosphere is really relaxed and Jisung feels welcome. Time flies by fast and the two Idols have to get going soon. They say goodbye to Soonie, Doongie and Dori long and with a lot of cuddles. Then they say goodbye to Minho‘s family too. Yuma hugs Jisung tightly. “It was so wonderful to meet you! You are a part of Minho’s family so you’re a part of ours too! Remember, you’re always welcome here!” He thanks her properly and says goodbye to Seokju too. After Minho has hugged his parents too, they leave the house and step out on the street.

Yuma had called a cab for them and after just a few minutes it arrives.

The drive is not too long. Before the two leave the car, they put on masks, caps and the hoods of their sweaters. I wouldn’t be fun if they get recognised when Minho’s friends are around. When they’re out in private it really sucks to be known.

They are right in front of the bowling range when Minho says. “Hyejin wrote they are already here, but I don’t see them.” He looks down the street. “Maybe they’re already inside.” Jisung says.

The younger one jerks hard when a hand suddenly comes down on each of their shoulders and turns them around. The touch feels too heavy on Jisung’s shoulder and sends a shiver from anxiety down his spine. Jisung immediately shies away from the grasp. Automatically Minho takes his hand and steps in front of him, protectively.

Everything happens so fast and he can’t realise what’s going on. In one moment Minho is in front of him, shielding him from the strangers, and in the next one he hugs them! Jisung needs a couple of seconds to understand that this are Minho’s friends. His heartbeat slows down at the realisation. Carefully he steps a bit closer to the reunited friends and Minho pulls him to his side. “That’s Hyejin,” he points at the girl, “and that’s Jiho!” The two of them look at Jisung with big interest.

“So so, we heard a lot!” Hyejin says. “Yes, but this fucker hadn’t told us your name yet.” Jiho adds. Jisung shoots Minho a confused look. “Why didn’t you tell’em?” “You won’t tell them either.” “Oh, and why won’t I do that?” He asks acted pointedly. “Because I want them to guess. When they fail it proves that they don’t care ‘bout me.” “Oi, we care! We’re just not some shrieking K-Pop fans!” Hyejin says. “Yeah yeah, whatever. You still have to guess!” Minho says while they walk inside the bowling alley building. They check in and choose the last bowling alley in the room. It’s a bit separated from the rest for the two Idol to not get recognised. When they settle down Minho and Jisung put their masks, caps and hoods down. The younger one immediately feels eyes on him and when he turns he sees Hyejin staring right into his eyes. “You’re handsome! And I’ve definitely seen you!” “I think his name is something with H.” Jiho nods. “Na-a his stage name doesn’t count! You have to say his real name!” Minho says while slinging an arm around Jisungs shoulders.

Suddenly Hyejin claps her hands. “Now I know! Yes! I saw some TikToks! Shipping TikToks where you did the exact same move!” She points at them with her finger. “MinSung that’s the name, and you’re called Jisung!” Jisung smiles awkwardly and nods. “By the way,” She adds grinning, “you sure it’s just a ship? You were pretty obvious in those videos!” Jisung feels heat pooling in his stomach. Really bad topic! This wasn’t something he wants to discuss never! Especially not today and especially not with Minho!

While they talked they had settled down at their table. Minho’s friends on one side and the two idols on the other.

“That’s called fan service, you know?” Minho defends them. “You sure?” Hyejin says with raised eyebrows. “Yes. And we do that to satisfy people who have nothing going on dating wise, just like you two!” Minho declares with a bit of a sharp undertone. “Rude! Your poor fans!“ “He just says that because he has no dating game either!” Jisung mocks Minho. “Oh, because you’re the one to talk!” The older one shoots back. “Ah, I haven’t told you about my secret girlfriend, yet!” Minho’s expression changes, but just for a couple of seconds, then he shakes his head. “No, you have none. I would know.” He says with confidence. “Is that so? And what exactly makes you so sure about that?” “I can read you like a fucking book.” “Oh sure, we have seen that earlier.” Jisung rolls his eyes.

/

“Who wants to go first?” Jiho asks. “I’ll show you losers how it’s done!” Hyejin calls out and quickly grabs a ball. She makes a huge show out of throwing it, but when she does she only gets three pins. “Wow, you really showed us how it’s done. You’re such a great player!” Jiho mocks and takes a shot himself. He is better that her, but still not very good. “You suck.” But when Minho tries he isn’t that much better either.

Lastly Jisung stands up and takes his turn. Strike. “Boom! Y’all can go home now!” Provocative he looks into Minho’s eyes. “Beginner’s luck!” Minho declares but can’t stop the small smile that spreads on his lips. It’s just so nice to see Jisung that excited and energetic again. The younger one makes some weird victory dance moves, while the others watch, a bit offended. “Stop the show, I’m going again!”

/

They play multiple rounds and Jisung’s great start was in fact beginner’s luck. He isn’t as good as when he started, he even threw a ball next to the bowling alley. That’s causing Minho to start laughing hard, until he has to sit down. “Boom! Y’all can go home now!” He mimics Jisung in an annoyingly weird voice. “Oi!” The younger one flops down on the bench next to Minho. “Don’t be mean!” He whines. “Don’t be so bad!” Minho slaps his arm, softly. “Don’t be like an old married couple!” Hyejin sits down too, just like Jiho. 

“Haha, you are so funny.” Minho deadpans dryly. “Apropos old. How old are you?” Jisung asks. “You’re the maknae. They’re both 26.” Minho grins evilly. “You’re so young and inexperienced!” He teases further. But Jisung can play this game too! 

“Oh, so you’re Jiho Hyung and Hyejin Noona!” The maknae looks right into Minho’s eyes when he says that. He’s exhilarated about the others reaction. His eyes widen and his mouths drops open. “You never call me that!” His voice drips with jealousy. “Why should I call you that?” Jisung asks sweetly and bats his eyelashes at him. Hyejin and Jiho giggle while watching them carefully. “Because I’m older than you!” States Minho. “Oh, right. I must have forgotten because your behavior is so childish!” The older rolls his eyes. “Sure, I’m the childish one.” “What? You don’t think so, Hyung?” Jisung pronounces the word Hyung overly clear. 

He is thrilled about the other’s reaction. Minho’s eyes sparkle a bit while a soft red rises in his cheeks. He stares at Jisung for a few seconds before he hides his face with his hands and groans. The maknae grins brightly at this. He isn’t entirely sure what this reaction means, but Minho seems embarrassed and that’s a win in any way! “You can’t do this to me!” Lino mumbles out between his fingers. “Have mercy on the on this old man!” Hyejin giggles while slapping Minho on the shoulder. “We don’t want him to have a heart attack!” Jiho adds. 

All three of them tease Minho a while until he is back to his old self. They talk and tease each other for a while longer until they decide to get going. They leave the bowling building, Minho and Jisung both masked, and walk down the streets. The air is fresh and cools and calms Jisung down. He feels tired, but he just ignores it. The moment is too good to be true and he has to savor it. They joke around and playfully push each other while they search for a good restaurant. The atmosphere of Gimpo in the early night is not as rushed and hectic as in Seoul. The small group looks around until they find a nice restaurant. It’s small and a bit cramped with tables, but it looks very cozy and quite private.

They choose a table in the corner and Minho and Jisung seat themselves facing the wall. The danger to be recognized is not so high, luckily. Each of them need a bit time to choose what they want to eat. They all order their food and drinks together when they’re ready. 

The group has a really good time eating and drinking. The mood is getting more and more relaxed and light hearted. Jisung and Minho are not used to drinking, because of their tight schedule and rules, so the both of them get tipsy fast. Much to the amusement of the other two. 

The alcohol loosens Jisung’s tongue, so he doesn’t think about it, when Hyejin starts to ask questions.

”So, Jisung one thing you love about being an Idol and one you hate!” “I love making music. It’s all I ever wanted to do!” He slurs a bit. “But I fucking hate people.” His gaze becomes a bit dull as he thinks about all the awful and annoying people he had met. “You hate people? What? Your fans?” Jiho asks. “Noo. Maybe. Sometimes. They’re a bit much.” Jisung lays his head onto Minho’s shoulder and closes his eyes. “I have social anxiety.” He mumbles through his tiredness. “Social anxiety as an idol?” Hyejin follows up. “Yeah, yeah, I know it’s stupid.” “It’s not stupid. It’s not your fault.” The Minho says while placing an arm around his shoulders. “Mmhh.” Jisung can feel himself drift off to sleep. 

“Oi, is he asleep?” Jiho’s voice is a bit muffled. “Yes, he has a weird sleeping habit lately.” Minho stares down on the boy asleep on his shoulder. His hair falls into his forehead and eyes, his lips are slightly agape. He looks really beautiful like that. His lips look so… kissable. Minho shakes his head. He can’t keep his thought at bay lately. Jisung just drives his mind insane. The ideas which form in his head are very distracting and a really bad influence.

Sure Minho had noticed some time ago that he is drawn to his best friend in a way he hadn’t known before. But it had never been an issue! He had kept his distance over the years and controlled himself. He knows it’s impossible for them to be anything besides friends! And Minho thought he had made peace with that! Why was it so hard these days to keep his eyes off Jisung? It’s like he’s a magnet. His whole being is just so fascinating. 

“Earth to Minho!” He snaps out of his thoughts. “What?” “You actually want us to believe this act you’re putting on?” Jiho asks. Minho’s confused. “What act?” Both of his friends raise their eyebrows. “The ‘We-don’t-have-anything-going-on-between-us’ act.” Hyejin specifies. Minho absentmindedly starts to stroke Jisung’s hair. “I dunno what you mean. There is nothing.” For a few moments it’s silent. “Wait, seriously?” Jiho asks.” “Yeah, I told you so.” Minho says frustrated. “Why?” “Why, what?” “Why don’t you have something going on?” Hyejin looks puzzled. “That’s the stupidest question you ever asked.” Minho says while not taking his eyes off Jisung to make sure he is still soundly asleep

“It’s not stupid!” She defends herself. “Yes it is, because it’s obvious.” The idol groans. “Why is it so obvious?” Jiho asks. Minho’s tongue is loose and he can’t stop the flow of words from bursting out of him “We’re idols. We’re in the same group. We’re best friends. We’re guys. He’s not interested in me. He has enough going on right now. He earns someone better than me. He doesn’t need me. We can’t do this to our fans. The company won’t allow it. We can’t let the other members down.” He rattles off the list he had made in his mind over the years.

For a few moments there is silence and his two oldest friends just stare at Minho.

“Wow, you’ve been sitting on that for a long time.” Hyejin states. “Bro, you need someone to talk.” Jiho agrees. “No, I don’t.” Minho sights and lays his head on top of Jisung's. “Yeah, just continue to tell yourself that.” Hyejin gives him a once over. “But don’t expect me to comfort you when you finally realize that you fell fucking hard for this guy!” She doesn’t mean it like that, Minho can see that in her eyes. She’s just worried about him and he appreciates that. But he really can’t handle to talk his feelings through and lay them open in front of himself and them. 

“I really think we should talk about that. It’ll help you.” Jiho assures, but Minho shakes his head. “Why talk ‘bout something hopeless?” He sounds bitter and absolutely hates it. “I don’t think it’s so hopeless.” Hyejin leans over the table. “Who the fuck cares if you’re guys? Or best friends? Your fans would probably love it! And when the fans love it the company can hardly say anything. I also don’t think the members would have something against you. They’re your friends, right?
You don’t know what Jisung feels. But when I watched him today he was literally screaming for attention from you! And the way he’s looking at you?? That’s something! And when he has a lot going on, you can help him, or not? Also it’s good if he doesn’t need you. You don’t want someone who’s dependent on you and can’t do shit on his own.” 

Wow. In this fucking monolog she has put all his arguments out of action. Was it that easy? Really? Could they be together? A small smile creeps on his lips unconsciously. But it’s as fast gone as it has appeared. No. It’s not easy! He can’t get his hopes up! That’ll only make a rejection of any kind harder! 

„Stop it.“ 

Minho sighs. “It’s useless.” “It’s not.” Jiho counters. “Yes, it is! We’ll never be anything, so why talk about it?” Minho shoots the two of them a serious look. “Okay, okay! But remember you can talk to us.” Hyejin says in a soft tone, untypical for her. 

They continue to talk a bit. Mainly about what’s going on in Hyejin’s and Jiho’s life. They are both studying, Jiho design and Hyejin medicine. She doesn’t seem like it, but she’s actually pretty smart. It’s very nice to hear them talk about their normal live and Minho is very grateful to have them. Otherwise he might lose the touch with reality. He loves to be an idol, but it’s also very sick and overwhelming to realize how many people look up to him and worship him. To be added, the K-Pop culture is really toxic and unhealthy in general. Luckily Stray Kids and especially Chan look out for one another and STAY is mostly a very kind and understanding fanbase. Nevertheless there are always haters and fans obsessed to their core, no matter how much people support them peacefully. And these people scream the loudest and are the most ruthless.

Absent mindedly Minho plays with strands of Jisungs hair. They had talked about the whole being-famous thing many times and they both love it but sometimes it freaks the shit out of them. It’s just abnormal to think they’re the persons so many take an example. Most of the time they just displace all of that and concentrate on their work. It’s easier that way.

Jisung slightly moves on Minho’s shoulder until he slowly opens his eyes. “Mmmhh.” He yawns. “Have I mist somthin?” He mumbles out. Minho’s immediately overly aware about the conversation they just had. He shoots warning glares at his friends but they don’t even think about telling his secrets. “No, no. Just old Minho whining about his very very exhausting live as a celebrity.” Hyejin starts teasing him again. “I’m not whining.” “Of course you’re not.” Jiho waves it off. 

Jisungs phone rings in his jeans. He tries to fish it out of his pocket and fails. Frustrated he sighs until Minho grabs it for him. “Thaaanksss Minnie!” He says in a singing voice. As he looks on his phone there are two unread messages. One from Chan and one from his manager. His manager had already written in the afternoon, but he hadn’t noticed it then.

Manager:

The magazine you did the shooting for, will be released next week. Here are the photos they’ll use. The first one for the cover and the other three for an article.

Jisung clicks on the first photo for the cover. He himself stares up to the camera with a serious expression. His eyes are made up in black and his cheekbones are particularly emphasized. With one hand he leans on a wall to his right, the other is raised to his hair and brushes it partly out of his face. His clothes are all black and the tight at some places ripped shirt hugs his upper body just the right way. His dark baggy pants are just partly visible, but the belt with a big buckle is prominent. Jisung wears a lot of bracelets, earrings and also a lipp piercing. The whole picture is bathed in deep red light, which fades into black in the background. 

“What is it?” Minho tries to get a look on his screen. “The photos for the magazine are ready.” Jisung turns his phone for the others to see. “Damn! You look hot!” Hyejin exclaims. “Yeah, pretty badass. But… are you allowed to show them to us?” Jiho asks. “Dunno. As long as you don’t leak them it should be fine.” Jisung’s gaze wanders to Minho, he hasn’t said anything just continues to stare at the screen. He nudges the older’s side. “What do you think?” Jisung feels a little prickling in his stomach as he waits for an answer. Minho hesitates for a few seconds.

“You look good.” Really? “Wow, the excitement. I should ask for your opinion more often to feel appreciated and valued.” His tone drips with sarcasm. Offended, he tries to wiggle himself out of Minho’s embrace. “Oi, I didn’t mean it like that!” The older one grips him harder. “I mean you always look gorgeous, so I don’t know!” He defends himself, not the slightest bit embarrassed. Jisung groans. “You can’t say things like that!” And then hides his face in his shoulders again. Playfully Jisung slaps his shoulder. “Be embarrassed!” “No.” “Why not?” “I’m drunk.” “I can smell that.” Jisung indeed smells the alcohol in Minho’s breath but he doesn’t care much. Instead he is pretty satisfied to be this near to him. 

“Anyway, are there other pictures?” Hyejin asks very invested. “Mhh, three more.” 

In the first of the three pictures he sits on a crazy looking building and looks down to the camera. His feet with big black boots on are in the foreground and the rest of his body is distorted through this perspective. His wavy hair falls into his forehead and just one eye is visible, which stares right into the camera. He wears baggy jorts and an oversized shirt without sleeves to show his muscular arms and shoulders. Again lots of jewelry and piercings. This photo is bathed in dark blue light from one side and a lighter shade of blue from the other side. It looks pretty badass, too.

In the other two pictures Jisung is smiling and the photos don’t feel as dark and heavy as the others. He wears a big racer jacket, baggy jeans and sunglasses. His hair is slicked back, just one strand falls into his face. In one, he lays on the ground in the midst of rocks and rubble. The photo is taken from right above him, his whole body on display. Jisung smugly smiles and makes a finger gun directed outside the photo. In the other one, he sits on the ground, leaning against a giant tree trunk. He is surrounded by fancy looking plants, some even growing out of his clothes and skin. It’s really wicked and Jisung loves it. Only his smile looks a little off from this angle, too much teeth. 

He turns his phone again and shows the pictures to the others. “The last one is crazy!” “Yes, I had put that on the cover.” Jiho agrees with Hyejin. “Oh, you think so? I think my smile looks a bit weird.” Jisungs says shyly. Minho shakes his head. “Don’t talk shit.” He wants to add something, but is interrupted by Jisung’s ringing phone. “Oh, Chan is calling!“

He picks up the phone and turns it on speaker. „Hello Channie Hyung!“ „Jisung-ah, you sound so drunk! Are you okay? You didn’t reply to my message although you were online.“ „Oh, yeah. I‘m alright.“ Jisung slurs into the phone. „What are you doing right now? You still with Minho’s friends?“ Jisung giggles. „Yes, dad. Are you worried?“ Minho grins a bit at the drunk younger one and picks the phone out of his hand. „We‘re still at a restaurant. You‘re on speaker by the way.“ „Oh. Hello everyone then! I just wanted to check on you two!“ „Uhhhhh, our sweet, responsible, leader Channie Hyung! You‘re too good to be truuueeee!“ Jisung leans over Minho to directly talk in the phone.

Somehow the alcohol seems to be kicking in a second time now. Maybe because of Chan, or it hadn’t really kicked in earlier? Minho just pulls Jisung closer to himself to steady him and takes the phone out of his reach.

“He definitely is a lightweight!“ Hyejin says amused. „Yeah, he’s done for the night.“ Minho agrees. „Whaaat???“ Jisung whines, slings his arms around the older’s neck and looks up to his Hyung with wide eyes. „How can you do that to me?? You’re so crueelll!“ „You never were good at drinking.“ The older shakes his head. „You neither!!“ “No, but I sober up faster.” Jisung starts to sulk. It’s too fucking adorable so Minho looks away quickly. “We’ll get going soon Chan, you don’t have to wait for us.” “Okay, see you then!” They hang up.

”I guess you have to go now?” Jiho asks a bit sad. “Yeah, we have a lot of practice tomorrow.” Minho answers while trying to push Jisung into a sitting position. “Come on Sungie, we have to go.” “Carry me!” He demands with wide eyes. “Forget it.” “Why nooott???” He complains. “You’re heavy.” “But you’re soooo strong” The younger starts to pat his muscles awkwardly. The elder dodges the touch and stands up. “Alright, alright! I’ll give you a piggybag.” Minho just can’t resist. How can he refuse anything to Jisung? 

They need a while to pay, pack their things and get Jisung settled on Minho’s back, before they can leave the restaurant. The cold night air hits them and Jisung immediately hides his face in Minho’s neck. His breath hits his sensitive skin, a shiver runs down Minho’s spine. “Oi, stop that!” “But I’m cooolldd!” The younger one says and only presses his face harder against him. Oh god. His nose, cheek and lips are flush against him. Minho forces himself to breathe normally, but all he can think about in Jisung this close to him!

The small group walks down the street to a bus station where they called a cab to. “You know, we should meet more.” Hyejin says. “Yeah and bring Jisung along.” Jiho agrees. “Exactlyyy, you have to caare for your friends!” Jisung mumbles right into his ear. “Yeah, I’ll try to visit more. And you can count on that idiot too.” “I’m not an idiot.” “Of course not.” 

They all say their goodbyes when the cab arrives and part ways. Minho settles himself down right beside Jisung and the younger one leans against him immediately. It doesn’t take him five minutes to fall asleep. Minho watches over his sleep.

Chapter Text

Sleepy.

Jisung opens his eyes and tries to orientate himself. How did he get into his bed? Had Minho carried him from the cab inside the dorm? Probably. That would be nice. Jisung looks on his phone. 3:17am. Why the fuck does he wake up at this hour? He rolls over again and again until he finally falls asleep again. This repeats itself at 5:52am. Why is his sleep schedule so fucked up?! This isn’t normal. 

In the morning Jisung fights his way out of bed.

Not rested. Again. Fuck this.

He takes his time to do his morning routine with his headphones on. He just needs a bit time and peace to prepare himself for the day. The other members respect that and don’t try to approach him. They probably sense his uneasy state. Not even that can Jisung hide. He’s so unbelievably weak. How had it come to this? Why him?

He isn’t putting his headphones down until he is fully presentable and with a finished breakfast at the table. Changbin and Hyunjin sit opposite of him eating too and Chan who has already had breakfast sits beside him. 

“Good morning.“ Jisung mumbles out in a raspy voice and takes his first bite. His breakfast consists only of a very small bowl of yogurt with fruit and a black coffee. Yesterday he had eaten too much so he has to compensate that today. He mustn’t gain weight. He can’t afford that.

“Morning! How was it yesterday?“ Chan asks cheerfully. „It was really nice. Minho’s parents are lovely and we had a lot of fun with Hyejin and Jiho too.“ Although he actually means it, it sounds a bit like learned by heart. His voice is emotionless. “Did you drink?“ Jinnie asks over the table. “Yes. But maybe it was a bad idea. I‘m not feeling very well.“ That’s true but Jisung’s sure it’s not only because of the alcohol. Well, the others don’t have to know that. “You don’t look really well either.“ Binnie comments. “Not helping.“ Jisung grumbles while eating his last spoon of yogurt. 

While he puts his things away the others stay at the table and talk. They have practice scheduled for 9:30am, so he has more than a hour left. Jisung could hit the gym but he needs the energy for later. Maybe he could work on a song? No, not right now But he doesn’t want to sit here and just wait. As he steps back into his and Hyunjin‘s room he texts Minho.

Quokka:

You awake? Wanna meet before practice?

He just has to wait a few seconds for a reply. 

Grumpy Cat:

You wanna meet earlier that necessary? Who are you?!

Quokka:

Haha so funny. Just say it when y don’t want to

Jisung is about to throw his phone to his bed frustratedly, when he gets a response.

Grumpy Cat:

Never said no

Where?

Quokka:

Where what?

Grumpy Cat:

Where y wanna meet?

Quokka:

Coffee place 

Grumpy Cat:

Gimme 10 mins

 

Jisung‘s mood lightens a bit with the prospect of meeting Minho before practice. He picks up all his things and steps through the dorm. “Where are you going?” Chan asks as he passes the living area. “Meeting Minho before practice.” “Alright, don’t be late!”

Jisung leaves the building, cap, hood and mask on, and walks through the city. It’s lively like always, so he tries to be as inconspicuous as possible. Slowly he navigates himself through the streets, never making eye contact with anyone. It doesn’t take long until he arrives at the café. Minho is already there and sits at a table in the corner. 

Jisung sits down opposite of Minho. The older pushes a cup of coffee, probably iced americano, in front of him. “You’re up early?” “Not voluntary. I had a shit night and then Hyunjin woke me up.” Jisung takes a large sip of coffee. Indeed iced americano. “That’s too bad. Can you manage with practice?” “Mh, will do with enough coffee.” “Okay, just say if you need something.” Jisung smiles softly. Minho is just way too nice. Jisung doesn’t deserve him? 

They don’t talk much, just sit together and enjoy their coffee. From time to time they make eye contact. The elders expression calming the younger down. Time flies by too fast for Jisung’s liking and they have to get going way too soon. The friendly employee wishes them a good day as they order another coffee to go and leave the cafe.

When they enter the dance studio all the other members and their choreographer are already gathered. They joke around a bit while stretching and Jisung tries to be as energetic and normal as always. He can see in the other’s faces, that he is failing. At least Minho knows why and is perfectly normal about it. He just gives him small encouraging smiles and pats on the back. 

The practice is incredibly exhausting. Maybe because Jisung slept so bad? Or is he just untrained and unathletic? Is he turning lazy and unambitious? Had he gained weight? Jisung watches himself closely in the mirror. He wears baggy clothes, jeans and hoody. But… yes. He had gained weight. He mustn’t eat so much! How can he let himself go like that? A few letters, a bit stress and he is breaking down? Pathetic. He’s just so weak!

Jisung stares himself down for the rest of the training. He’ll be more controlled now. From now on he’ll be disciplined. The training ends and he directly heads to the studio. Chan and Changbin will join him after they head out to eat something. They asked if he wants to join them, but he refused. He will not eat anything more today. 

For the time Jisung’s alone he writes on one of his songs. Nothing special but it could be pretty cool with the kind of instrumentals he has in mind. After a little while he is joined by the rest of 3RACHA and they start brain storming. 

Normally Jisung’s the one bringing some fun and light energy into their producing sessions. It’s just his personality to joke around and make the others laugh. 3RACHA works out far better being in a good mood. 
But not today. Jisung has to put in a lot of effort to stay focused. It’s like his mind is constantly trying to drift off into dark corners of his mind. But he manages to get through their session without any incidents. Jisung drops down onto the couch as Changbin leaves. Chan wants to stay for a bit longer and the youngest just wants to close his eyes for a few seconds. 

“-sung? Jisung?” Jisung opens his eyes. Chan leans over him and shakes his shoulder. “Did I fall asleep?” He rubs his eyes while sitting up on the couch. “Yes.” The older looks on his phone. “Only for half an hour.” Jisung groans. That was not necessary. Sure he hadn’t planned to do anything, but this was wasted time! Plus, he probably won’t be able to sleep tonight. 

“I’m sorry! I’ll get going now.” Chan pets his arm as he stands up. “It’s alright! Really! You seemed like you needed it.” “Mh, yeah maybe.” Embarrassed Jisung rubs his neck. Why does it have to be Chan who sees him so weak like this? Sure, the leader wouldn’t even dream about judging Jisung, but the younger doesn’t want to let his Hyung down. Chan works so hard, harder that any of the other members and he never complains. He’s always there to help the others too. That’s why Jisung can’t let him down!

Jisung exits the studio and the company shortly after. He doesn’t want to admit it, but the short nap had increased his energy a lot. He almost feels fresh. While he walks through the streets he goes through the entire choreographies for the show in Chicago. He has remembered it quite well. His mood lightens further when he stops to grab a coffee. Normally the busy shop would freak the fuck out of him. But it’s different right now. Jisung doesn’t enjoy being in this busy place and getting bumped into, but he doesn’t panic either. The situation stresses him out a bit but the happiness about the fact that he doesn’t panic prevails. 

Following a spontaneous intuition he walks in the direction of the other dorm. He is quite sure at least one of them is there. And Jisung is of course totally right. When he knocks on the door Felix opens, a bright smile on his face. “Jisung-ah! Didn’t expect you here!” He pulls him inside and directs him to the kitchen. “What? I’m not allowed to visit my beloved Brownie-Boy?” Lix smiles brightly. “Of course you are!” “What are you doing anyway?” Jisung asks while entering the dorm. “I was just playing some video games. Wanna join?” “Sure!” Jisung nods. 

The two of them place themselves behind Felix’s set up and start playing multiple rounds of different games. Jisung is in a really good mood, nearly energetic. Where does this come from all of a sudden? He was ready to drop dead after practice! His nap really did wonders! If only it could always be like this.

But all this energy does not last forever. Just after an hour Jisung is slowly getting tired again. The observant Felix notices it. “Maybe you should head back and go to bed early today.” He says while patting Jisung's shoulder. 

“Yeah, maybe you’re right.“ He gets ready to leave. As he’s about to open the door it swings open itself and reveals Minho, Seungmin and Jeongin. 

“Hey, leaving already?” The dance leader asks while stepping inside. “Yeah, I really should get some sleep.” The elder nods and pulls him into a short hug. “See you tomorrow then.” A warm shiver runs down Jisung spine as Minho’s breath hits his neck. He’d love to stay like that for a little longer, but he really should head back. Unwillingly he steps out of Minho’s personal space and says goodbye to everyone. He then steps outside the dorm. 

The air is warm and humid. Jisung feels a bit uncomfortable dressed in hoodie, jeans and mask. And soon a small layer of sweat is forming on his forehead. His skin tingles while he walks through the crowded streets. He should have called a cab. It’s the time where everyone’s getting out of work. Of course it’s full of people! His gaze jumps from person to person, but never staying too long. Never making eye contact.

His neck prickles. It feels like someone is watching him, following Jisung’s every step. His pace quicken, his breath becomes heavy. Is this him? Has he found Jisung? He feels like he’s hunted down the streets of Seoul. Hunted by him and his actions. 

Why the fuck didn’t he call a damn cab?? 

Suddenly Jisung bumps into a tall guy and stumbles. “Sorry, sorry.” He mumbles and flees hurriedly before the other can say anything or recognize him. He turns a few corners, throwing glances back at the people he passes. Is he there? Is he following him? After a few minutes, which are feeling way too long, he finally arrives at the dorm. He needs a couple of attempts till the key eventually fits inside the lock. Quickly Jisung gets inside and slams the door shut behind him. He needs a few moments and breaths until he can move again. Then he heads right to his room. He hears noises from Chan’s and Binnie’s room but ignores it. He is restless but at the same time unbelievably tired. His emotions running like crazy. Doesn’t even bothering with his skin care, Jisung enters his room and undresses. With his headphones on full volume he crawls under his blanket, pressing his face into the pillow.

It takes a while until he falls asleep. He’s too agitated to calm down and Jisung has a hard time stopping his thoughts from running wild. Has he really been followed? Was he here? Has he come to get Jisung? Has he come to repeat what he did? Jisung starts to shiver, goose bumps crawling up his arms. Was he really that near? Could he have gotten to him? Could he get to him every time he walks on the street? What would he do to Jisung this time? 

With his dark thoughts circling in his mind, Jisung slowly drifts away into sleep. 

But his sleep doesn’t last long. At 1:49 am Jisung wakes up sweaty. Blurry pictures of his face, his grin running before his eyes. His skin burns. Jisung wants to rip his flesh from his bones, wants to light himself up in flames, wants to erase every spot he has touched. But he can’t. He lays still. He can’t move, can’t breath, can’t think. Jisung is dammed to lay still and stare up to the ceiling, listening to Hyunjin’s calm breaths, reliving his worst memory over and over again.

Slowly, very slowly his panic is replaced with numbness. It’s like his mind is disconnected from his body and his feelings. He can’t feel anything physically or emotionally. This state steadily lulls him into sleep again. 

Chapter Text

Shaken.

Jisung wakes with a start. A hand lays heavy on his shoulder, shaking him. He shies away from the touch immediately until he realizes it’s Hyunjin. “Are you okay?” His gaze is concerned. “Y-Yes! Of course.” Jisung answers while rubbing his face to hide his exhaustion. Jinnie looks not convinced, but doesn’t push further. “Alright. We head to practice in half an hour, so better hurry up.” Jisung nods and watches the other leave the room. Exhaling heavily he gets out of his bed. He is very absent-minded while picking out his clothes and doing his morning routine. Following an intuition, he takes his tranquilizer before heading to the door. It’s surprising he manages to be ready on time to walk with the other members. Chan shoots him a suspicious look. “You don’t want to eat anything?” Jisung shakes his head as he puts on his shoes. “No, I’ll eat something after practice.” That was a lie, but the others don’t have to know that. His stomach feels queasy, like he has to puke if he eats anything. And he doesn’t want to waste time eating something and losing the chance to walk with the others. Just the idea of having to walk the streets alone makes him tremble. He can’t take this today. 

The first step outside is terrible. It’s like Jisung’s presented on a silver plate. Far too exposed and too vulnerable. Is he able to see him? His skin tingles and he pulls the hood of his sweater deeper in his face. While trying to stay as close to the others as possible he watches his surroundings carefully. Would he be able to recognize him? He hadn’t seen him for years. His face is just a blurred memory.

Jisung is basically glued to Chan’s and Changbin’s sides with Hyunjin walking behind them. It’s obvious that they caught onto Jisung’s anxiousness and now their protectiveness is kicking in. Chan and Changbin are walking so close to him, that they’re always touching his sides and Hyunjin is always talking to them to make sure Jisung knows he’s still behind him.

Jisung is so damn grateful for them. He still feels really anxious but he knows his members won’t let him get hurt. To say that he feels save would be a great exaggeration but he definitely feels reassured. His tranquilizer probably helps with that too. Still he is extremely relieved when they leave the street and enter the JYP building. He exhales a heavy breath and closes his eyes for a few seconds. His heartbeat slows again.

This day couldn’t have started any worst. Will Jisung ever be able to walk the streets alone again without freaking out? Will he ever stop? Will this nightmare ever end? He stops his thought right there. He can’t go into that rabbit hole now if he doesn’t want to have a panic attack. So he ignores it.

They walk through the building and enter the dance studio. The other members are already gathered. Minho sees Jisung walking through the door and is immediately alert. He has dark rings under his eyes and his cheeks are a little bit sunken in. The hoodie he has on is way too big and he just seems a bit lost wearing it. The gaze the younger one casts around the room is unsteady and his movements seem erratic and nervous. What’s going on? Did something happen?

3RACHA and Hyunjin cross the room to join the others. Minho grabs Jisung’s hand and pulls him down on the small couch standing in the corner. He hugs him and pulls him into himself. Jisung just lets it happen taking deep breaths to inhale Minho’s scent. “What’s going on?” The older asks quietly. “I took my tranquilizer again.” That answer does not satisfy Minho. This can’t be it. When the other takes his tranquilizer he is normally depressed and has no energy. Not this anxious and uneasy. 

“Is your anxiety that bad lately?” “Mh, yeah I guess.” “And it’s nothing else that’s bothering you?” Jisung shakes his head which is still pressed against the other. Minho sighs inwardly, maybe he should ask him again later. “Alright. But talk to me if something comes up.” The other nods again.

The rest of the members slowly started stretching while the two of them talked. They get up too and start warming up. The practice is really exhausting. They go through the entire show several times and Minho finds their smallest mistakes to correct them. When they’re three hours in and they take a short break, their manager comes in. “Can I talk to you for a moment?” “Sure.” Chan replies. “Perfect. We have just been informed that there has been a few changes to the plans for the festivals schedule. Nothing severe to our account! Our Sound-Check was just postponed to Friday morning from 8am to 9:30am. On Thursday you can practice a last time at a studio and then have the rest of the day for yourselves.” “Oh, that’s cool!” Felix exclaims and the members soundly agree. Even Jisung can bring himself to be a little exited. He has never been to Chicago before and with the free time they got they probably could see some parts of the city. 

“Alright, that’s everything. Remember to be ready tomorrow by 5:30.” Their manager reminds them and then leaves the studio. The members chat about their flight and what they want to do in Chicago for a while before Minho claps his hands. “We have some dancing to do before we fly!” They all stand up and start to go through the show again.

/

They make another break and Hyunjin sits down besides Minho. Jisung sits a few meters away. “Hey, do you know what is going on with Jisung? He seems to be a bit off these days.“ Chan overheard Jinnie and joins the two of them. “Yeah, I noticed that too.“ Minho sighs. “Yeah. He takes his tranquilliser more frequently. He told me his anxiety is getting worse and he seems to have a lack of sleep. But I don’t think that’s all, something else is wrong too.” “But what could it possibly be?” Chan asks. “I don’t know. I asked him but he didn’t say anything.” Minho carefully watches Jisung sitting against the wall and rubbing his face. “It has to be bad if he doesn’t even want to tell you, doesn’t it?” Hyunjin says casting a glance at the dance leader. “Yes, that’s what I thought too. Maybe I’ll try it again later.” “Alright. Be sure to tell us if we can do something to help.” With that Chan ends their conversation and the break as well. So they continue their practice.

/

They all are breathing heavily as they end the dance session. Sweat runs down Jisung’s forehead and he wipes it with his hoodie. The members gather up before they leave the studio. “Alright, we’ll end this session here. Eat something or go back to the dorm, pack your things and go to bed early!” Chan shoots a serious look at Jisung. The younger one squirms under his gaze, to much attention on his behalf. They all get up and go their own ways. But Jisung sticks to Minho’s side. “Can you walk me back to the dorm?” Minho doesn’t have to think about it for a split second. “Sure.” As they exit the building they’re joined by Changbin. 

Jisung feels his anxiety rise again, when they step on the street. He tries to suppress it by linking his arm with Minho’s and Binnie’s and talk with them throughout the entire walk. You can’t really call it a conversation he just absentmindedly rambles about random stuff to keep him occupied. It works out rater nicely. But Minho’s presence probably does most of the job. His touch, voice, scent and whole being just soothes something in Jisung. But even with him around, the feeling of being too vulnerable and exposed out on the street like this, stays. 

Some of the tension leaves his body as they enter the dorm. His shoulders relax a bit. Minho follows Jisung into his and Hyunjin’s room and drops down onto his bed. “Don’t you have to pack?” Jisung asks while keeping himself occupied by pulling out his suitcase from under the bed. Minho is briefly thrown off course seeing the other kneel before the bed with his ass up in the air. What the hell is he thinking? That’s absolutely inappropriate right now! He shakes his head and focuses instead on Jisung’s question. “Yeah, but it’s not that much. I can do it later.” The younger nods while grabbing random clothes from his closet and throwing them in his suitcase. “How many days are we there again?” He asks as he contemplates how many pair of socks he would need. “Four days. Wednesday to Saturday.” “Ah, right.”

Jisung doesn’t take long to pack everything. As soon as he’s finished he lays himself down beside Lino and closes his eyes. The older immediately puts his arm around the younger and pulls him closer. Jisung’s face is once again pressed against the other’s chest. It’s nice to just lay beside each other and don’t do anything. Jisung feels himself slowly getting tired. It’s only half past five but he could totally fall asleep. The few and above all bad sleep catches up with him. And he also clearly remembers the last time he slept pressed against Minho, it was just so relaxing and recovering. 

Of course Minho notices that the other is slowly drifting off to sleep. “You can sleep if you want.” He says into Jisung’s hair. “No.” The other murmurs. “You have to leave soon.” “Yes, but that doesn’t matter. I won’t wake you up.” The younger grumbles displeased. “I don’t want you to leave.” Minho’s heart skips a beat. Jisung is just way too adorable half asleep and squished against him, his body so warm and soft. Minho would never choose to leave this position! “I know, but I still have to pack.” “Mhghgm.” They are silent for a few seconds before Jisung speaks again. “Can’t I just come over to yours?” The younger just knows that he won’t be able to sleep if he’s alone. So what if he shows weakness when he asks to sleep at his place? It’s just Lino after all. He would never even think about judging him.

“Of course. But you have to have your stuff completely ready.” “Yes.” Jisung slowly peels himself out of Minho’s arms and gets up. His eyes are just half open as he finishes packing his suitcase and hand luggage. He is carefully watched by Minho. The other is just mesmerized by younger. How can anyone just be so damn perfect while being half asleep? 

“Okay, let’s go.” Minho says and stands up as soon as Jisung is finished. The dance leader takes the others luggage and caries it into living area. Just as the two of them want to leave the dorm, the door opens. Chan and Hyunjin enter the room. They seem surprised to see them like this. “What’s going on?” The leader asks, worry seeping through his tone. “I am just going to sleep at the other dorm.” Jisung says, his voice sounds extremely tired. “Okay. But are you alright? You seem very stressed lately.” Jisung avoids the elders look. “Mh, yeah. My anxiety is just a bit bad these days.” 

That’s basically not a lie, but Jisung still feels bad for telling that to Chan’s face. That’s not fair to any of his members. But Jisung is sure he would feel even worst if he tells them the whole truth. He can’t burden the others with this. So he just stays quiet. 

“I’m sorry for that. Please tell me if I can do something for you, alright?” Chan says. Jisung nods. “Can I hug you?” The elder raises his arm and Jisung immediately leans into the touch. “See you tomorrow.” Hyunjin pulls him into a short hug too before Jisung and Minho leave the dorm. 

Minho wraps his arm around Jisung’s waist and pulls him against him. The touch soothes the younger and the first step out on the street is manageable. His heartbeat is slightly to quick and his skin tingles, but it slowly subdues. He actually can feel himself getting calmer the longer they walk. It must be connected to his sleepiness and of course Minho’s presence. Half way to the other dorm Jisung lays his head on Minho’s shoulder and closes his eyes. He’s just so tired. The older guides him safely through the streets. He is always careful and avoids big groups of people. Minho can’t stop the little smile that forms on his lips. It just feels really nice to know that the other trusts him so much. Minho will make sure, that he never betrays this trust! He will always be there for Jisung!

Not long after Jisung has closed his eyes, they arrive at the dorm. Minho hates to make the other move away from him, but he has to get his key from his pockets. “Sungie, we’re here.” He says while softly pushing the other upright. “Okay.” Jisung yawns as he opens his eyes. They enter the dorm and put off their shoes. Felix, Seungmin and Jeongin sit at the dining table eating takeout. They all look surprised to see Jisung with Minho. 

“What are you doing here?” Felix asks with his usual bright smile. “I’m sleeping here.” Jisung mumbles, voice raspy. “Thought so. Do you want to eat something?” Jeongin pushes a food container in their direction. Minho happily takes the container and chopsticks. “Yes, but I still have to pack, so I just take that with us.” Minho and Jisung cross the room and enter Felix’s and Minho’s room. Jisung immediately relaxes and lays down onto the older’s bed. He watches Minho start packing his things and eating the food. He feels very comfortable just looking at the other. Minhos movements are very smooth and fluid. On the first glance you could see that this man knows how to move his body. He slowly fills up his suitcase with clothes. The dance leader pauses shortly in between to look at the beauty on his bed. Jisung has his head placed on his folded arms, his hair falls into his half-open eyes and his knees are slightly pulled towards his chest. He just looks way too cute. 

To stop his thoughts Minho takes out a big T-shirt and throws it at Jisung. “Don’t fall asleep in these clothes.” The younger one grumbles but gets up nonetheless. Minho quickly turns his head away and concentrates on packing his last things. Alone the thought that Jisung is right behind him undressing himself makes him blush really hard. What’s wrong with him? He had seen Jisung half naked several times! Why is he reacting like this now?

Minho’s blush only deepens as he turns around again. Jisung sits there on his bed only wearing his shirt which reveals the light, creamy skin of his thighs. The heat in his cheeks intensifies as the younger speaks. “Can we sleep now?” Jisung’s voice is deeper than usual and sounds sleepy. “Y-Yes, give me one minutes!” Minho rushes out the room heading to the bathroom. He turns a corner and nearly bumps into Felix. The blonde looks him in the face and frowns slightly. “Why are you so red?” Shit. “No, I’m not.” Felix starts to grin smugly.“Yes, you are!” “You’re imagining things!” Minho says and walks past the other, who still looks way too satisfied. 

In the bathroom he takes some deep breaths and splashes cold water into his face. He has to control himself better! Minho was always able to suppress his feelings towards his best friend! Why is it suddenly so hard? He sighs loudly before quickly getting ready for bed.

When he returns to their room, Felix sits cross legged on his bed and watches Jisung. As soon as the blonde sees Minho a knowing smirk returns to his lips and he wiggles his eyebrows up and down. “Oh, shut up!” Minho says and gives Felix a death glare. Maybe he has to turn on the air fryer again, to make the other regret his actions!

Jisung luckily doesn’t understand what’s going on between Minho and Felix and is just happy that the older is back, so that he can finally get some sleep. He slides to the side to make room for the other man. As soon as Minho lies down Jisung presses himself up to him. His face in the other’s chest and his arm thrown over the other’s waist. Minho hears Felix chuckle softly and he shoots the other dancer one last deadly glare before dedicating his attention fully to the man in his arms. Jisung’s breath is already coming out deeply and regularly. He must really be sleep deprived. 

Minho wonders once again what’s going on with Jisung. Why doesn’t he tell Minho what’s going on? Did he do something wrong? No, probably not. The younger one wouldn’t lay here in his arms if he did something wrong. It must be something different.

Minho tightens his hug and sighs softly before closing his eyes too. He’ll just have to dig a bit deeper to find out what’s wrong with his Sungie. 

Chapter Text

Annoyed.

What is this extremely nerve wrecking noise, which painfully pulls Jisung out of his peaceful sleep? He groans. “Sungie, we have to get up.” Minho’s voice is deep and raspy. A shiver runs down Jisung’s spine. “Nooo.” He tightens his grasp around the older's waist. “Yes. It’s five.” “No.” “Do you want to repeat last time?” “No.” “Okay, so you wanna stay in bed.” “…you can’t fool me twice.” Jisung slightly punches the other in the side, while appearing from his chest.

“Wow, you’re so observant this morning!” Minho teases the other while slowly standing up. “Haha, I’m just not stupid.” Jisung rubs his face. “That’s debatable.” The younger pouts a bit watching the other walk through the room. “Come on. He have to hurry up a bit.” “Yeah, yeah.” The two of them walk to the bathroom to get ready together. Jisung steals some of Minho’s skin care and make up products, because he left his luggage at the other dorm. As always there will be a crowd with fans and paparazzi, so they have to look good. “Can I borrow your clothes? I forgot to bring something suitable for the airport.” “Why do you even bother to ask? You practically stole half my closet already.” “I just ask so you can’t accuse me of anything.” “Oh you’re so smart!” The older’s tone drips with sarcasm. “Right, I know!” Jisung just shoots him a sweet smile. 

He actually feels good right now. He hadn’t slept this good and without nightmares in weeks. And waking up right next to Minho is just great. But he also knows that it won’t last long. The upcoming ride to the airport and the unavoidable crowd hovers above him ominously. Jisung knows that there will be security protecting them. Still the thought of this huge mass of people scares him. The visits at the airport are among the only times that they’re so openly exposed to this many people. He just can’t get used to it.

Jisung will take his tranquilizer just like every time they have to go to the airport. It’s not ideal. He always has to pull himself together and forces a smile on his face. But it’s alright, that’s just a part of the job. They have always survived it and so will it be today.

The two of them exit the bathroom and go back to Minho’s room. Felix is up and is already dressing himself. “Morning.” He rumbles in his deep voice. “Morning.” The other two answer in unison. 

Jisung sits down on the bed ready to fall asleep again while Minho opens his closet. “So what do you wanna wear?” The younger shrugs. “You can pick. I don’t know what kind of clothes you have anyway.” Felix and Minho raise their eyebrows at the same time. “I can do that, but that’s a damn lie!” “If you say so.” The younger lays down, closes his eyes and waits patiently till Minho finishes. After a few minutes a pile of clothes lands on his stomach. “Try that on.” 

Jisung stands up and dresses himself. Minho picked out a baggy pair of grey dress pants with belt, a loose graphic T-shirt and an oversized open dress shirt. Plus a bucket hat and a necklace. He has to roll up the pants a bit, because they’re too long, but otherwise the outfit really looks great. “You look really good.” Minho says while looking the other up and down. “You should lend me your clothes more often then.” “Well, then you should sleep in my bed more often.” A small blush creeps up Jisung’s cheeks and he has to avert his gaze.

“You look good too.” Minho wears a pair of dark, loose jeans and a loose white dress shirt, plus a watch and a cap. He really looks damn good.

“Gosh, you can sleep in the same bed for the next three nights! So please, stop it!” Felix’s tone sounds sarcastic and he has a smug grin on his face. Minho rolls his eyes. Jisung blushes. 

The three of them leave the room and step into the living area, Minho and Felix bringing their luggage with them. Seungmin and Jeongin sit at the table and eat some breakfast, their luggage stands by the door already. Jisung gets himself a glass of water and an apple and Minho and Felix eat the leftover porridge from the other two. They don’t talk much, it’s way too early for that. Jisung slowly eats his apple. He’s not really hungry but his doctor once told him it’s not wise to take pills on an empty stomach. 

Shortly before they have to get going Jisung puts the tranquilizer in his mouth and exes the glass of water. The effect will kick in during the car ride. At exact 5:30am they leave the dorm. As expected there are already two dark vans parked before the building, waiting for them. One for the members and the other for the staff and security accompanying them. Another van picks up the other members at the same time. They stow their suitcases away and get seated. Normally there are only four of them in one car, so it’s a bit tighter with five. Jisung sits between Minho and Felix in the back row, Jeongin and Seungmin before them. Just as he sits down his phone vibrates. 

 

Kangaroo:

We got your suitcase, by the way 

 

Hannie:

Oh thanks! I totally forgot! 

 

Kangaroo:

It’s alright

Have you slept well?

 

Hannie:

👌

Jisung puts his phone away again and pulls out his headphones. The drive to the airport takes about one hour. He will use this time to mentally prepare himself for the airport and maybe sleep a little. He leans his head against Minho’s shoulder. The other also puts on headphones and closes his eyes.

All of the members doze off during the ride, the slow rocking of the car calming them down. They arrive at the airport right on time, which is too early for Jisung’s liking. 

They exit the car in a secured area. The other three members with their security are already there. While they group up and make themselves ready to enter the airport building, their staff takes care of their personal luggage and the other equipment needed by the stylists.

The idols are surrounded by the security as they enter the building. Jisung sticks close to Minho and Chan, nervously fidgeting with his bag. He still has his headphones on over his bucket hat and mask. The others are dressed similarly with masks and hats. 

As soon as they’re inside a large crowd dashes towards them. Cameras flash, questions are shouted at them and they’re squeezed together by the security to protect them. Jisung just looks at Minho’s back trying to ignore the hectic movements around him. Just a few more meters. He tells himself as a tightness creeps up his chest. Luckily he can’t hear all the noise through his headphones. That would overwhelm him in no time. 

Suddenly he is pulled back. A bodyguard had grabbed his arm because a fan broke through the security line. She stumbles her phone in hand towards Jisung. He flinches hard and moves backwards bumping into someone. His heart hammers loudly in his chest. But before she can reach him she is roughly pulled away by another bodyguard. The gab between the other securities is filled in a split second.

Everything happened too fast for Jisung to process. The next thing he knows is that Minho is beside him, a hand on his back, guiding him forward. The Adrenaline rushing through his veins helps him to move faster and cross the hall quickly. They reach the check-in without any other disturbances. The airport personnel works rapidly and professional. In no time they’re through the gate and out of reach for the crowd. They cross this hall too until they’re finally in a private lounge. 

The members take deep, relieved breaths. Why does it always have to be such a hassle? Of course they love stay but sometimes they just cross a line. The members are only people too! 

Jisung sighs and sits down on a couch, his energy completely drained already. Minho drops down right beside him. “Are you alright? What happened?” “Yes. It was just a fan trying to get to me.” The older nods while rubbing small circles into the younger’s shoulder. They stay like this for quite a while until they finally have calmed down further. 

The rest of the time they just relax and wait. The boarding starts on time and they’re warmly greeted by the flight attendants. Jisung gets a seat at the window with Minho beside him. He stores his stuff away and prepares for the 14 hour flight. 

/

During the flight Jisung listens to music, watches a movie, writes some lyrics, eats, sleeps and talks to Minho. It’s alright. He had expected the flight to be like this after all. 

He can see Chicago as the plane gets ready to land. The city looks beautiful. Jisung feels himself getting exited. The effects and aftereffects of his tranquilizer have completely worn off and he is far away from Korea, him and his letters. The festival and their show will be fantastic and the time before and after that too. 

They leave the plane before all the other passengers. Guided by their manager they walk through the halls and meet with their local security personnel. The Idols are once again surrounded by their bodyguards. The crowd they have to face is not as big as the one in Korea but there are still a lot of people. The big group crosses the hall and leaves the building through a back door. Already waiting for them are once again three black vans. Jisung is just outside for a few seconds before getting in the car, but the warm fresh air lifts his spirits insanely. He just loves to travel and see other countries, cities and cultures. It’s just great that he gets to see so many parts of the world through their shows and public appearances.

Jisung is in the car with Felix, Hyunjin and Minho. His gaze immediately wanders out of the window. The city is very lively. A lot of people and cars rush down the streets. All attending their own different businesses. At every corner is some kind of movement or something is happening. As long as Jisung can watch the busy bustling from afar he really likes it. The thought that everywhere all around the world is always something happening is in some weird way very soothing to him. It makes him realize that he is just another tiny person on this planet. The fame sometimes goes to his head. Of course they are important to many people and many take an example from them, but after all everyone is just living their own lives.

Minho leans forward next to him. “The city looks really cool.” He says. “Yes, it’s so busy too.” Throughout the rest of the 45-minute ride they just observe the city talking about things they see. 

They arrive in downtown Chicago right in front of their hotel and exit the car. It’s a well known, expensive hotel and they are kindly greeted in the lobby. The check-in takes a couple of minutes and then they’re ready to go to their rooms. As usual two of them sleep together. Of course they could each have their own room, but the members are just so used to each other’s company that it would be weird. 

Hyunjin and Felix, Jeongin and Changbin, Chan and Seungmin and naturally Minho and Jisung share rooms. They all gather at Chan’s and Seungmin’s at first. They have to wait until the staff brings their luggage from the airport and Chan wants to talk through their schedule another time. The members pile up on the kingsize bed, the floor and the armchairs. 

“So for today. We have an interview at 2pm. It’s nothing special just some easy questions to introduce us for the festival. The manager send the script into the group chat. Please read over it. We also have a dinner reservation at 7pm. Tomorrow morning we’ll go through the show on last time in a studio near by. After that you can return to the hotel or you can go to the city, but you know the rules.”

Yes, they all know the rules. When they are out of Korea they always have to be accompanied by at least one bodyguard. If they want to visit any sights or famous things it has to be outside of the rush hours. And when they go into restaurants or cafes it’s always arranged and secured by security. 

It’s pretty annoying, but of course it’s just to insure their personal safety. 

“And we have a dinner reservation again. Friday morning will be the sound-check from 8 to 9:30am. The show starts at 8:30pm. But you know the drill we will arrive there no later than 12. Maybe we should just stay there after the sound-check because it’s so little time.” They all nod or grunt in agreement. 

The members relax and chat a bit until their manager knocks and informs them that their luggage has arrived. Everyone goes to their rooms and mind their own business for a while. Jisung curls up on the big comfy bed while looking out the giant window. The view over the city is amazing. 

“I think I saw a sign that there is a roof terrace. Wanna go up there?” Minho asks. Jisung beams happily. “I’d love to!” A shiver runs down the older’s spine. That smile should be illegal. No one should be allowed to see that except Minho himself. It’s just so pure and adorable.

They walk through the hotel until they reach the elevator. The terrace is not at the very top of the building, but it’s still pretty high. It’s on the same floor as the bar and restaurant from the hotel. It’s not very busy right now so they can step right in front of the glass front. It really is stunning. 

“Look, do you see that building?” Minho asks. “Yes.” “It looks like a cigarette.” He gets a weird look from Jisung. “A cigarette? You’re sure?” “Of course! And all the antennas are the smoke!” “Do you want to confess something to me?” The younger asks, a slight grin on his face. “Confess? I thought you knew I’m smoking? You’re such a bad friend, really!” The older’s tone sounds mocking. Jisung puts his hand dramatically on his chest. “I’m truly hurt! How could you say something so mean?” Minho just grins.

The two of them stare down at the city for a couple more minutes until their phones ring.

Sunshine:

Is there something we should wear for the interview?

 

ChanGPT:

Not exactly.

But we could go with dark pants light shirt.

 

Tiny Hulk:

So just something casual?

ChanGPT:

Yes

Be ready at 1:30

 

”Let’s head back to our room.” Minho says and Jisung nods.

They lay on their bed for some time before starting to get ready for the interview. They do their skin care, some light make up and pick out their outfits. Jisung wears black baggy jeans, a white tank top and a loose open shirt. Minho a pair of dark, corduroy pants and a white, oversized graphic T-shirt. Both also add a few accessories. 

The two of them go down to the lobby and join the other members, who are already waiting. Together they get in the cars and drive to the interview location. It’s another skyscraper standing tall inside the city. They are warmly greeted by the interviewer and the other staff on one of the upper floors.

The studio is already prepared for them with chairs so they quickly settle down.

“Welcome to Chicago! What do you think of the city so far?” Because it’s an english interview Chan, Felix, Seungmin and Jisung are the ones talking the most. The others still struggle with their english vocabulary and pronunciation. 

“Well, we just arrived this morning, but our first impression is pretty good.” Chan answers. “That’s good to hear. So you are here for the festival this weekend! How do you feel about being a headliner at such a big event?” Felix answers this time. “We’re really grateful! It’s an honor to be here! This is our first time performing at a festival so we’re pretty nervous, too. But it’ll surely be a great time!” The woman nods. “Certainly! I’m sure the American stays are very hyped to see you perform!”

The talk continues with simple questions about the following festival and how they feel about it.

“Can you already tell me something about your upcoming comeback?” “Well, we can’t be explicit of course, but it’ll definitely be great. After the festival we will fully start with all the preparations.” Chan explains. “Do you plan to make another world-tour too?” “Yes, after the new album is released we will go on tour again. The dates and locations will soon be published.” 

A few other questions are asked, before the interview comes to an end. 

“Would you like to say something to your fans watching right now?” Jisung answer this time. “Yes! Stay, we are really exited to perform for you on stage! We hope you can enjoy our show. See you on Friday!” They all wave at the camera. 

The interview is over and after some small talk the members leave the building again. 

/

Minho, Jisung, Chan and Jeongin decide to take a walk instead of going back to the hotel. Their bodyguards lead them through streets and parks, always securing their safety. They don’t have to worry about the way too. It’s really nice to have some fresh air and feel the sun on their skin. 

Jisung is in a really good mood. He feels happy, save and exited for their show. Although he still is tired his positive emotions overweight for once. Walking with the members, talking to them and making photos from time to time is just so a nice way of spending the afternoon.

Unfortunately they can’t stay out for too long and have to get back to the hotel. They have a bit of time so Jisung takes a quick shower.

He comes out of the bathroom wearing only a pair of sweatpants while absentmindedly scrolling on his phone. Jisung looks up when he hears a startled yelp. Minho is lying on the bed turned to the side and staring at Jisung intensely. The younger squirms under the gaze. He can’t figure out what the strange sparkle in the other’s eyes means. But he likes it. It makes Minho’s face light up. He just looks gorgeous. 

“What?” Jisung asks. “Nothing.” Minho answers but doesn’t move an inch or takes his eyes away. His gaze feels hot on the younger’s skin. “Why are you looking at me like that?” Jisung rubs over his chest uncomfortably. “Like what?” Why does Minho’s voice suddenly sounds so deep and… hot? The color of his eyes darkens. “I-I don’t know. Just like this!” Jisung waves his hand back and forth between them. And Minho just has the audacity to grin! And it’s just too damn hot! Blushing the younger turns away and scurries over to his clothes. Minho feels a small pang of disappointment as soon as Jisung covers his upper body with a shirt. It was such a good sight! 

“Don’t you have to get ready too?” Jisung asks while searching his suitcase for something suitable to wear and trying to hide his red cheeks. “Yeah, yeah.” Minho doesn’t even try to hide his smirk as he walks into the bathroom. 

Luckily Jisung can get ready without further distractions. They meet up with the other members and head to the restaurant. The food, the location and of course the company is great and they have a lot of fun. But they have to get up early the next morning so they don’t stay too late. 

When they arrive back at their room Jisung gets ready for bed as fast as possible. The day really was exhausting. But in a good way, not the usual exhaust. Still, as soon as he lays in the kingsize bed he gets a little fidgety. Jisung watches Minho making himself ready for bed and can’t stop himself from wondering if they will sleep curled up together again. He would love to, but would he ask too? How did it happen the last time? Had he asked? No, it just happened. Would it happen tonight too? 

Jisung watches Minho’s every step, he takes way too long to get ready. When he finally lays down beside Jisung, the younger can’t take his eyes away. “What?” Minho asks just the hunch of a smirk on his lips. “N-Nothing.” Jisung still doesn’t avert his eyes. “Why are you looking at me like that?” It takes the older so much strength to suppress his grin. “Like what?” Jisung is too flustered to realize the irony of the situation. “Like you want something from me.” Minho gives up trying and just smiles right in the younger blushing face. “I-I don’t” “Mhh, you’re sure? If you want something you have to ask you know?” Now Jisung looks away sheepishly. “So…? What do you want?” 

Jisung is 100% sure that Minho knows what he wants and just enjoys letting him dangle. But if he knows and still presses further than that has to mean he wants it too, right? So Jisung gathers his strength. “C-Can we cuddle?” Minho opens his arms without hesitation. “Thought you’d never ask.” With still very red cheeks Jisung crawls up to Minho and hides his face in his chest. He can feel it vibrate as the older laughs. “Why did I have to ask in the first place? You could have asked too!” Jisung’s voice sounds a bit muffled. “I know, but it was too cute seeing you struggle.” “Huh? Cute my ass!” Minho laughs louder.

”Oi, don’t be mad.” Minho pokes him in the side. Jisung flinches before shooting a dark glare up to the other. “Now I’m mad.” Then he snuggles up to Minho’s chest again. The older’s heart beats fast. Jisung is too cute for his own and especially for Minho’s good “How can I make it up to you?” The younger is silent for a moment, then answers quietly: “Don’t make me ask again.” Minho grins self-satisfied. “Alright.”

Chapter Text

Panicked.

Jisung feels his touch burning on his skin, his breath against his neck. His mind floats between dream and reality. His body trapped in his most horrible memory. His heart beats too loud, too fast. He hears his blood rushing through his veins. His breath is rapid and checked off. Sweat forms on his forehead, his whole body shivers, shakes.

Jisung has to get out of here, has to run, to hide. Away. Or he is going to die. He will die! He moves, he struggles, he can’t move! There are hands around him, caging him, holding him captive. Jisung kicks furiously with hands and feet. Hitting something firm very hard. He hears a muffled sound but ignores it. Climbing over something, falling from the bed and hitting the ground hard he rushes forward. 

Someone calls him. Loudly, again and again. Jisung stumbles against the door before pulling the handle. The door doesn’t move an inch. He pulls again and again. Then he freezes. Theres is a body behind him. Someone presses him against the door. He can’t move. His breath comes out so fast, he’s nearly hyperventilating. Black spots form before his eyes. He feels dizzy.

Now it will happen again. Rough hands pushing his clothes up, ripping them apart. Touching, bruising his skin. Face pressed hard against the wall, a hand on his throat, the other forcing its way into his pants. Dirty laughing, heavy breathing right into his ear. Burning touches, glances move all over his body.

Jisung cries. Frozen. Trapped in his own body. Unable to do anything. Damned to watch himself being raped over and over again.

But it does’t happen. The body pressing him against the door moves back, not touching him anymore. Jisung chokes on his breath. Why does nothing happen? Why isn’t he doing anything?

”Jisung?” The voice is small, unsure. A shiver runs down Jisung’s spine. He knows this voice. “It’s okay, I’m here. You are safe.” Jisung shudders, he lets out a raspy breath. His body and face still pressed against the door, searching for some stability. “Jisung, can you hear me?” Tears run down his cheek, he starts sobbing, shaking uncontrollably. “Jisung please! Talk to me! Can I touch you?” Jisung can’t answer. He just turns around and throws himself at Minho, going completely limp in his arms, sobbing waterfalls on his shoulder.

Minho is utterly horrified about Jisung’s behavior. He has never seen the younger in such a state, so hysterical, panicked and broken. The younger desperately clings onto him, like he was his lifeline. Minho is overwhelmed, he doesn’t know what to do. So he just carries Jisung back to the bed hugging him as tightly as he can and whispering soothing words into the younger’s ears. 

/

Minho’s shirt is drenched, his body hurts from the position he stayed in for too long and his mind is running like crazy when Jisung finally stops crying. His face still pressed into Minho’s firm chest, hands fisted in his shirt and the rest of his body pressed as near as possible to the older. 

“Jisung? What happened?” Finally Jisung moves. He slowly sits up leaving Minho’s embrace. He nervously kneads his hands and doesn’t meet the other’s gaze. His eyes are puffy and there are red blotches on his cheeks. “I’m so sorry.” Jisung’s voice sounds so small and vulnerable that it breaks Minho’s heart. “Don’t be sorry. Just please tell me what happened.” The older moves a bit closer again and takes the younger’s hands in his. “I had a nightmare.” Jisung answers barely audible while staring down on their connected hands. 

A nightmare. What could Jisung possibly have dreamed that caused this kind of reaction? Was it just a terrible fantasy his mind made up to torment him? Or was it something else perhaps? A memory maybe? Something that had actually happened?

Minho had suspected for quite some time that there was something he doesn’t know about Jisung’s past. The way he never talks about his childhood or his family never appeared weird to Minho in a strange manner. Jisung just wasn’t the type of person to indulge in memories. Or was he? Maybe he simply had none. And there are his social anxiety and his panic attacks too. Does this kind of thing come out of nowhere? Or did something happen that triggered it? 

When the two of them were in Gimpo Jisung talked about his parents for the first time. It became very clear that they aren’t supporting Jisung’s choice of career and that they aren’t on good terms. It was alarming but not really surprising. In some kind of way it was reliving to put some light in his dark speculations. But of course it wasn’t a nice revelation. 

“Did you dream of something that happened?” Minho carefully asks. He doesn’t want to push the other into telling him. Jisung slowly nods, his eyes pressed shut. “Oh. C’m here.” Minho pulls the other against his chest again. “You don’t have to tell me anything. Just please talk to me if you need something.”Jisung nods weakly. Minho sighs while scratching the other’s scalp. He doesn’t knows what to do. Should he ask more questions? Probably not, it would only overwhelm the other more.

But he can’t contain his curiosity and worry. “Do you have dreams like this often?” Jisung needs a moment before he answers, his voice is hoarse and strained. “Yes, but not this bad. I-I don’t know why this happened all of a sudden.” It’s like Jisung’s mind and body don’t grant him time feeling fine and not constantly stressed and anxious. It can’t be alright, can it? Why does it have to be like this? Why does he torture himself like this? And why does it have to affect others? Jisung never wanted anyone to find out about his nightmares or all the shit he has been through, especially not like this. He thought he was done with all that what happened. But he can’t bring himself to lie to Minho. He doesn’t have the strength to keep up a mask right now, not with Minho. 

And the older seems to understand him at least partly. He doesn’t ask any more questions he just hugs Jisung tighter. Jisung breathes deeply in and out through his nose, trying to absorb and remember Minho’s scent. He doesn’t want to get up and face the upcoming day. But they have to eventually. 

The two of them fight their way out of bed and into the bathroom. While they make themselves ready Jisung doesn’t meet the other’s eyes. He seems uneasy and nervous and a bit embarrassed as he takes his tranquilizer. 

It’s a bit awkward between them. Minho is really worried but doesn’t want to make the other uncomfortable by showing it. And Jisung is uncomfortable but doesn’t want the other to worry by showing that. They circle around each other not understanding what the other wants or needs but too afraid to asks. It’s very reliving for both to step out of the room and meet the others. The members immediately notice that something is off. Jisung and Minho don’t look at each other while being all nervous and fidgety. 

The ride to the studio they rented is mostly silent. Chan and Hyunjin who are in the car with Minho and Jisung can feel the tension between them clearly. They shoot each other concerned and questioning looks, unsure whether they should ask what’s going on or just leave them alone. They silently agree on leaving them alone for now. If their strange behavior continues they will think of something. 

When they get out the car and enter the studio Jisung and Minho walk beside each other. Minho doesn’t know what to do but he doesn’t want Jisung to think that Minho is distancing himself from him because of what happened in the morning. So he stays close to him. Minho will talk to Jisung about this later when he sorted out his thoughts and emotions.

They slowly start stretching and warming up before they begin to go through the show. The practice goes pretty smoothly. They went through it a hundred times already and their muscle memory is kicking in greatly. Still, Minho has to notice that Jisung is very distracted and lost in thought. Yet the younger manages to get on with the dances. 

Jisung feels Minho’s gaze on him during the entire practice. What does that mean? He can’t wrap his thoughts about the fact that Minho knows. He knows about his nightmares. He doesn’t know the details but he knows it’s about something that happened to him. He knows that there is something wrong with him. He knows he is weird and stupid and strange and broken and fucked up inside. Minho knows! And now he is looking at Jisung like that. With that look just can’t read. Is he mad? Fuck. He has to be mad. What should Jisung do? Minho had never been mad at him. Never. 

And it is Jisung’s fault. It’s his fault that Minho is mad because he has these fucking nightmares, this anxiety, these panic attacks and these memories. All because of his fucked up childhood. 

Jisung’s skin tingles uncomfortable his anxiety is growing. It’s still suppressed by his tranquilizer but he knows it’s there. His mood sinks lower and lower the more his thoughts spiral until it is only a dark, gloomy chunk at the bottom of his heart. Jisung barely notices the other members around him. It’s like he is in a tunnel. He is too occupied with his thoughts, and just focuses on his body. He is sure he will get overwhelmed as soon as he concentrates on something outside of himself. That’s why he jerks hardly when a hand touches his shoulder. Jisung hadn’t realized the practice ended. He just stared on the ground for a couple of seconds. 

Chan slides his arm around Jisung’s shoulder and pulls him to his side. “Are you alright?” How Jisung hates this question. But he hates his answer to the question even more. “I’m okay, just slept bad.” Chan knows he’s lying. “Did you fight with Minho?” The elder’s voice is soft and careful. 

Jisung doesn’t know. Did he fight with Minho? Minho is mad at him. Jisung punched him. He tried to run away. He cried. He threw himself at Minho. They talked. But did they fight?

“I-I don’t know.” Jisung feels desperate, on the bridge of tears and he hates it. Why does he have to be like this? So weak?

Chan sees the other struggle and can’t stand the sight of his first kid being so sad, confused and desperate. “How about that: We go out and eat something nice so you can calm down. We can talk about it if you want and after that you can speak with Minho and make up.” Jisung thinks about it for a second and then nods. He really needs to calm down before facing Minho otherwise he will start crying the second they begin to talk.

”Do you want Felix to come?” Chan noticed the worried glance Felix gave Jisung and Felix always has a soothing effect on the members. “Yes.” Jisung agrees, so Chan waves the blond over to them. 

Minho watches Jisung walk out of the studio squeezed between Chan and Felix. He really doesn’t know what to think of that. He wanted to talk with him right away to get this off his chest. Why should he wait when he could fix things right away? Minho starts to debate if he should run after them when he is stopped by Hyunjin and Seungmin. “Come on, let’s grab something to eat.” Hyunjin slings his arm around the older’s shoulder and pulls him to the door, Seungmin on Minho’s his other side. 

Minho knows what they’re doing. They planned this with Chan to separate him and Jisung and calm them down. And he appreciates that, really! But he really wants to talk with Jisung as fast as possible. He feels like he can’t calm down unless this is out of the world. 

“Relax, you can talk to Jisung later. Treat us to lunch first.” Seungmin smirks at Minho. “Why do I have to pay when you drag me out against my will.” “‘Cause you’re rich.” “And you’re stupid.” 

But of course Minho still ends up paying. They ate ramen at a lovely, small store in a relatively quiet area. It was really good and they talked about the show tomorrow. Hyunjin tried to find out what happened between Jisung and Minho, but the dance leader dodged all the questions. He definitely won’t spill Jisung’s secrets without his consent. That’s Jisung’s story to tell when he is ready for it. But Minho hopes the other will trust him enough to talk to him soon. The older just can’t stand the sight of Jisung being so hurt and broken, while Minho is unable to help him properly. 

The lunch helped Minho to sort his thoughts further and to make a little plan about what to do now. “What do you do now?” He asks the other two. “Go back to the hotel, I guess. I’ll relax a bit.” Hyunjin says and Seungmin agrees. “And you?” “I’ll go back too and talk with Jisung.” The other two nod satisfied. 

/

Jisung slowly calms down, reassured through Felix’s and Chan’s bodies close to him. They sit inside a restaurant and eat pizza. Normally Jisung is a sucker for american pizza. He loves the thick dough and the huge amount of cheese. But right now his appetite isn’t really there. Partly because of his tranquilizer, partly because he constantly thinks about Minho. 

“Do you think Minho is mad at me?” Jisung asks with a small voice while pushing a slice of his pizza back and forth on the plate. The other two man look at him suprised. “I don’t think he is mad at you.” Felix says rubbing his back soothingly. “Yeah, I think he rather seemed worried about you.” A small spark of hope lights up inside of Jisung. “You don’t think he is mad?” “No.” The blonde shakes his head. “Does he have a reason to be mad?” Chan asks carefully. Jisung thinks back to the morning. He punched Minho. “Y-yes, I think so.” 

“Why do you think so? What happened?” Felix asks. Jisung doesn’t want to reveal any details but he has to get this off his chest. “Um, I punched him.” Two very big pair of eyes look at the youngest shocked. “You punched him?” “Why would you do that?” Jisung squirms under their intense glares. “Y-Yeah. But it doesn’t matter why. I did it and he’s mad.” “Does he know why you hit him?”

Chan tries to imagine what Minho could have done, but fails terribly. He had never thought about the possibility of the two of them fighting to the point of hitting each other. They are inseparable! What could have happened? 

“Um, I guess.” Minho has to know right? Wasn’t it obvious that he had a nightmare and that scared the shit out of him? Yes, and he even told him so.

“Okay, maybe you should tell him why you did it and explain yourself.” Chan suggests. Jisung nods slowly. “Mh, yes. I should probably do that.” They start to get ready to leave the restaurant when Jisung’s phone rings.

Dancing Cat God:

Hey, can we talk?

I’m back at the hotel

 

3RACHA Baby:

Yes, I wanted to talk too

I’ll head back right away!

 

”Let’s hurry back!” They leave the restaurant and get inside the car. Jisung starts nervously wiggling his leg and biting his lip. What if the conversation turns out bad? What if Minho doesn’t understand him. A hand lays down on his knee. “Stop being so nervous. Minho loves you he can’t stay mad at you for five seconds.” Felix tells him this with a smirk, as if he knows something that Jisung doesn’t. The younger feels a tiny blush creep up his cheeks and he has to turn his head away. 

/

Jisung enters their hotel room to Minho sitting on the bed with wet hair. He obviously just came out of the shower. “Hey.” Minho says with a soft voice while making room for Jisung on the bed. “Hey.” Jisung sits down beside Minho facing him but not looking him in the eyes. There is a short awkward silence before Minho starts to speak. 

“I’m sorry.” Jisung looks up surprised, finally meeting the other eyes. “I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did. I was unsure about what to do because I’ve never seen you like that. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable because of me. I’m just really worried about you and I don’t really know how to handle this kind of situation and help you. But I’ll always try my best to support you and you can talk to me anytime! I would never judge you. You know that right?”

Minho’s words don’t seem to reach Jisung fully. The younger looks at him like he’s still processing what he said. “S-So you’re not mad at me?” Jisung sounds unsure. “No! Of course not. Why would I be mad at you?” Minho scoots a little closer to the other. Had he really thought that the older is mad at him? “But I hit you.” Jisung averts his gaze again. “Ohh, yeah. But you didn’t do it on purpose! You panicked. I’m not mad at you because you did nothing wrong!” The younger meets Minho’s eyes again shyly. “And I threw myself at you.” The older chuckles. “You can throw yourself at me all day long and you won’t hear the smallest complaint coming from me!” “Really?” Jisung’s voice sounds hopeful. “Of course! I mean, it’s a bonus for me to have such a pretty boy like you in my arms.”

Damn, that was a clean punch! To say Jisung blushes would be an understatement. His head is as red as a ripe tomato and he tries to hide it in his hands. Minho loves the sight of that and he can’t suppress his self-sufficient smirk. “Come here, pretty boy.” Minho says with a deep voice while pulling the other to his chest, quietly laughing about how embarrassed the other is. “Y-You can’t just say something like that!” Jisung huffs. “I just did.” “But…!” The younger’s protest dies when Minho started playing with his hair and gently scratching his scalp. The sensation feels so good that it’s hard to concentrate on anything else. “Thought so. And you like to be called a pretty boy, don’t you?” Jisung lets out a startled noise against the other chest. “I don’t! Stop calling me that.” He basically whines. “What a shame! It’s just so fitting!” 

Jisung can’t take this any longer. He jumps up and out of Minho’s arms to flee into the bathroom. “I’m gonna take a shower!” He can only hear Minho’s amused laughter before he shuts the door loudly.

What the fuck? How did this conversation take such a turn? From serious to… flirty? Was it flirty? Did Minho flirt with him? No, he didn’t. Why would he even do that? Minho has no reason to flirt with him. But why does being called a pretty boy by the older affect Jisung this much?! His heart pounds loudly in his chest and heat is radiating off his cheeks. His knees feel a bit wobbly and his hands shake slightly too! What the actual fuck?

Jisung had pushed all inappropriate thoughts about Minho away after his very shameful, one-time wank and locked them behind a very thick brick wall in his mind. But now, after that, the wall slowly cracks and crumbles. He can’t stop his mind from going into a very inappropriate, greatly dirty but extremely hot direction. What would happen if Minho calls him pretty boy while doing… other things? Leaning over him, touching him, kissing him, fucki…?!

Jisung shakes his head hardly. Fucking hell! He can’t go down this road right now. He never has ripped his clothes off of him this fast. As soon as he is inside the shower he turns on the water. It’s cold. It’s very cold. It’s freezing. And that’s exactly what Jisung needs right now. Gasping and shivering he just stands there for a couple of minutes. When he can’t stand it anymore he slowly turns the water warmer. 

Why does Jisung feel this way about Minho so suddenly again? Minho is his best friend! What the fuck is wrong with him? Is he so desperate that he needs to take out his sexual frustration on his best friend? Is he sexually frustrated? He hadn’t thought so, but he has to be! There is no other explanation for his strange behavior. 

Okay. He could handle some pent up sexually energy. As soon as they’re back in Seoul he will take care of that. But for now he has to behave and suppress his urges.

/

Minho hears the shower in the bathroom. He lies spread out on the bed and stares up to the ceiling. Right before his eyes replays the moment Minho called Jisung a pretty boy. He didn’t think the other would react like this. And he didn’t think he himself would react like this. The blush creeping up Jisung’s cheeks and the way the younger hid his face in Minho’s chest, just do it to him. He wants to wrap himself around the younger and never let him leave again. He wants the other to never want to leave him. Minho wants Jisung to be his!

He sighs deeply. Jisung isn’t his, won’t be his and can’t ever be his. And he had accepted that a long time ago, at least he thought so. But when he sees the other like this he becomes extremely longing again. What would it feel like to finally call Jisung his? To have him for Minho and for Minho alone.

He sighs again. Minho becomes possessive again and it’s completely useless. He should find a way to distract himself from his hopeless imaginations. 

So he grabs his phone.

Stage Daddy:

Can I call you later?

 

Wannabe Doctor:

Awww the great super star puts up with the lowly foot soldiers

 

Tag along:

He just realized he needs us!!

 

Stage Daddy:

Haha

Forget it 

I won’t call

 

Wannabe Doctor:

Noooo

 

Tag along:

Don’t say that she might cry

 

Wannabe Doctor:

No

I might punch him in his face

 

Stage Daddy:

Chill

I’m gonna call

But don’t know when

 

Wannabe Doctor:

👌

But what’s up

 

Stage Daddy:

I’ll tell you later

Can’t really write that

 

Tag along:

That serious?

 

Stage Daddy:

I guess

 

Wannabe Doctor:

Don’t make it so exiting!

 

Stage Daddy:

I’m not trying to

You’re just a sucker for drama

 

Wannabe Doctor:

Uhhhhhh

So there’ll be ✨DRAMA✨??

 

Stage Daddy:

No

Minho throws his phone away and closes his eyes. He is still debating whether he should tell Hyejin and Jiho about what happened today or not. Minho does want to talk about it because he still isn’t sure how to deal with this situation. Jisung broke down, completely, because of something that did actually happened to him. What had happened? But he really doesn’t want to intrude the younger’s privacy by spilling his secrets to his friends. Hyejin and Jiho aren’t as close to Jisung as the members so it would’t really affect him, right? Maybe he could just speak of ‘one of his members’? Nah, they would knew right away. 

Minho is torn out of his thoughts when the bathroom door opens and Jisung comes out with a towel wrapped around his waist. His cheeks are turning red again as soon as he feels Minho’s gaze on his body. But Minho can’t take his eyes away. His gaze trails over Jisung’s torso and over his tattoos. The black ink is a stark contrast to his light, delicate skin. Minho is in awe when Jisung leans down to grab some clothes and the muscles in his back and shoulders work. He is so muscular and strong. Had he been working out more lately? 

Sadly the younger rushes back into the bathroom as soon as he got his clothes and closes the door. He dresses himself before return to the room and lying down beside Minho. “So what do you wanna do now?” The older asks propping his head up on his hand. “Mh, take a nap I guess.” The younger yawns. He hadn’t slept well or much last night and the practice was exhausting so some sleep wouldn’t hurt. Immediately Minho’s expression turns worried. “Will you be able to sleep without a nightmare?” “Yes. I think after such a bad one it’ll be calm for a while.” Jisung smiles a bit. He has to admit it really doesn’t feel bad at all that the other knows about his nightmares. The caring tone in his voice lets some butterflies inside his stomach turn crazy. It’s very relieving too. “Okay. But is there anything I can do for you?” Jisung could think of something. But he won’t ask. It’s too embarrassing. “No, it’s alright.” 

Minho nods and stands up. “Good. I’ll step out for some time. I promised Hyejin and Jiho I’d call them today.” He would rather stay here and lay down with Jisung pressed against him, but there probably won’t be another chance for the call later today. The younger nods. “Have fun.” 

Minho doubts that the conversation will be fun but Jisung doesn’t have to know that. He walks through the hotel and uses the elevator to get two flights down. There are small, private work rooms for the guests staying at the hotel. Minho enters an empty one and sits down at the small desk. He takes some deep breath to calm himself down before pulling out his phone and calling his friends. 

“Hey, hey, hey, my favorite Idol!” Hyejin’s voice sounds euphoric as always. “Hey, how are you?” Jiho is calm as ever. “Hello. I’m alright. What about you?” “Wow, the excitement you’re radiating is overwhelming! You’re in fucking Chicago so be happy!!” “Yeah, yeah. Haven’t seen much of the city to be honest. But yes, it’s very cool.” “You have to bring some souvenirs for us!” Jiho is obsessed with useless things from all over the world, god knows why. “Alright, when I have time I’ll look for something.” ”You better do that!” Hyejin exclaims. “But what did you wanna talk about?” 

Here we go, Minho sighs. “Yes. So this morning did something happen and I’m completely slammed. I don’t know how to deal with it.” Minho closes his eyes and rubs over his face before he continues. “Jisung and I sleep together and I hug him while we sleep. Yeah, yeah I know! You can keep your comments for later!” He can already hear Hyejin’s teasing. “Anyway, I woke up to Jisung kicking and hitting me. It was around… I dunno 4:30am. He was so fucking panicked and then he tried to run out of the room but I stopped him. And then he just froze, he stood there and did nothing. And… fuck that was freaking terrifying! I called him but he didn’t react and then he did react. He just broke down. I’ve never seen him like this. He cried for two hours straight before I could talk to him again!” Minho releases a shaky breath, his hands tremble a little. He hadn’t realized how much Jisung’s break down had actually affected him. “Fuck. It was horrible. I couldn’t do a damn thing to help him.”

They’re all silent for a moment. Minho’s friends need a few seconds to process these information. “Shit.” “That sounds heavy.” ”Yes, it fucking is.” “But did you talk about it?” Hyejin’s voice is softer than usual she seems pretty worried too. “A bit, but he just told me it was a nightmare and that he has these regularly but usually not this bad. And he said that… he dreamed about something that actually happened to him.” Minho get’s sick. He thought about it the entire day but to speak it out loud is something different. It makes it far too real.

It’s silent again. Hyejin and Jiho obviously don’t know how to react. “Fuck. I really can’t imagine what he is going through, but I hope he gets better soon.” Jiho says and Hyejin hums approvingly. They’re all lost in their own thoughts until Hyejin breaks the silence. “And how do you feel?” Minho sighs. “I don’t know. I just hope he talks to me soon and that I can help him. Fuck, I don’t think I will be able to watch him break down like this again. I felt so fucking helpless.” He groans. “And I don’t dare to ask him any questions ‘cause I don’t wanna scare him away.” “And why don’t you just tell him exactly that? I’m sure he would understand.” The mediator Jiho. “We talked again this afternoon and I think I told him exactly that.” ”Good. And how did the conversation end?” 

Minho thinks back to Jisung’s heavily blushing face and closes his eyes. He can’t take it anymore. What is this boy doing to him? “Ermm, not exactly like I expected, to be honest.” “And? Was it good or bad?” Minho grins. “It was good.” “So, what did he say then?” “He ran into the bathroom.” “What?! I would’t call that good.” “It was good.” “I got that! But what did you do to make him run away?” Hyejin slowly turns frustrated. “I called him by a nickname.” Minho smirks, he really enjoys teasing the others. “What kind of nickname would make someone run away??” “Ha, bet you would like to know that!” Minho can practically hear Hyejin’s thoughts plotting his murder a hundred different ways. “You’re a fucking psycho!” 

The conversation continues much lighter. It really does Minho good to speak with his friend’s this freely. It’s great to get these things off his chest. After nearly an hour he ends the call and returns to their hotel room. Minho quietly closes the door and steps beside the bed. Jisung lies there curled up under the blanket his face squished together by a pillow while slightly snoring. It’s way too fucking cute. His heart can’t handle that! Before his thoughts can take some unpleasant turns he discards his jeans and crawls under the blanket in front of Jisung. Carefully to not wake the other up Minho slides closer to the younger und pulls him against his chest. It satisfies something deeply inside of him when Jisung nuzzles against his chest and unconsciously pulls him closer. The smaller body practically melting into Minho’s.

Before Minho closes his eyes too he sets an alarm so that they won’t miss the dinner with the members.

Chapter Text

At ease. 

Jisung hums blissfully. A hand sneaked under his shirt and runs up and down his back drawing invisible patterns into his skin. When it slowly begins to tingle he squirms. Minho lies on his back with Jisung nuzzling on top of him. He looks down at the younger’s face with soft eyes. His mouth is slightly agape and his puffy cheeks are squished together by the older’s firm chest. Minho’s heartbeat fastens and he desperately hopes Jisung is still too sleepy to notice it. “Jisung-ah.” A shiver runs down Jisung’s spine. Minho’s voice is darker than usual and the older spoke directly into Jisung’s ear. “Grmpff.” “We have to get ready.” “Yeah, yeah.” “Wow, no protest today?” “Mhnoo, I’m already nervous 'cause of the show." Jisung's eyes are still closed, his voice is sleepy and muffled by the other's pecks. "Me too. But it'll be great." "Hopefully."

The two man lie there for a couple more minutes before they get up. Jisung feels relatively good. He’s still a little shaken from yesterday’s events but at least well rested. Of course he’s nervous and a little anxious but it’s always like this before shows. It’ll turn out well, like Minho said, like it always did. 

Both are very relieved that they made up and can interact normally again. Actually, not exactly like before. Something is different. Such a thing can’t happen without any consequences, right? And that’s okay, it would be weird otherwise. The change between them is not drastically, barely noticeable even. And it’s not bad. Jisung always feared the reaction from other people to literally everything. He values other opinions, especially from the people closest to him, maybe a bit too much. Just the thought that they might react bad or would think differently of him after he does something, makes him nauseous. But Minho proves him wrong. Of course he does, like he did a thousand times before. 

It’s just something in the way Minho looks at Jisung that’s new. The expression in his eyes is softer, more aware and understanding. But not as if he felt sorry for him and not as if he was looking down on him, not as if he pitied him like some helpless little kid. Minho looks at Jisung like he sees him, truly sees him and how he is on the inside, like they have achieved a deeper connection between each other. It feels good, really good. There is this light, bubbly feeling inside his stomach that wasn’t there before. Jisung can’t exactly put his finger on the reason why it makes him feel this way, so he pushes that to the side. He doesn’t want to overthink this right now. It feels too good.

Minho glances sideways at Jisung. He seems alright. The older didn't know what to expect but it appears that Jisung doesn't regret what happened. That's good. Minho doesn't regret it either. He is relived to know more about the younger, to understand and hopefully help him better. He hopes the two of them will have a chance to talk after the show. Minho wants to express his support once again.

/

Felix throws Jisung a big smile when they all meet up in the lobby. “You made up I see.” “Yes!” Jisung can’t suppress his happy grin. “That’s great! Would’t want to miss the couple edits of you two after the show tonight!” Jisung gapes at the laughing Felix. “What edits??” “You haven’t seen any of those edits???” Now it’s the other's turn to gape. “No!! What edits?” "Ohhhh, Jisungie! We will have a fun evening after the show! And you'll have an awakening!!" Felix says still grinning while entering one of the cars. Jisung can't follow him to force answers out of him because Minho takes his arm and pulls him to one of the other cars. 

Jisung’s mind is occupied with what the blode said during the whole car ride. What did he mean with couple edits? There aren’t any shipping videos of him and Minho, are there? That would be ridiculous! Why would stay do that without any reason? And surely he would have noticed, wouldn't he? 

They arrive backstage just on time and a kind staff member immediately starts to show them everything and explains important details. After all the members have their in-ears on they go out on the stage. The band is already there talking to other staff members. The sound check goes smoothly. They don’t go through every song because it would be too long. But they go over everything important. It’s nothing out of the ordinary, they’ve done it several times. Jisung’s gaze slides over the huge, empty space right in front of the stage. In just a few hours it’ll be filled with a ton of screaming people. It’s a bit surreal. A place like this could change so drastically just by the amount of people filling it.

A bottle of water appears in front of his face. Jisung thankfully looks up into Minho’s eyes. “Wanna bet how many’ll be there tonight?” “Oh no please! You know I can’t estimate!” “Guess why I wanna bet with you.” Jisung tries to splash some water at the other but he dodges and tries to flee. “Stop the traitor!” The younger yells and run’s after him. 

He catches the older and gets him wet but he also pills half the bottle onto himself. After a small speech from Chan they leave the stage and go to their private artist rooms. Jisung changes out of his wet hoodie and into a dry one Minho gave him. It’s very comfy, slightly too big and it smells like the older. The two of them together with Changbin drop down onto a couch. It’s really relaxing to be squeezed against each other and just talk while sipping iced americano. It keeps Jisung’s mind perfectly occupied and he couldn’t feel more save squished between his Hyungs.

Around lunch time they get delicious food delivered. Jisung has his cheeks stuffed with kimbap when Felix holds a camera right into his face. “Look at that stay! These cute hamster cheeks!” Minho’s hand comes into view and he pokes a finger into Jisung’s cheek. The youngest enjoys his food too much to mind the others. “And what are you eating Lee Know-Hyung?” The blonde turns the camera to the older. “I’m eating the view of Hannie stuffing his face.” Minho deadpans. “Huh? You can’t eat that!!” Changbin joins in the conversation. “Of course I can. I’m alive, aren’t I?” Minho says while provocatively shoving rice into his mouth. Binnie opens his mouth and closes it again without saying something. “Dude, you’re literally eating right now!” Felix say’s while shoving the camera into Minho’s food. “Can you prove I’m living because of this”, he stamps his chopsticks into his food, “or because of this!”, he makes an overly exaggerated motion towards Jisung. Everyone in the room except of Jisung and Minho roll their eyes. 

The members spent their time waiting doing a lot of different things. Felix, Changbin and Jeongin film a vlog, Hyunjin and Minho play mobile games, Chan and Seungmin speak with their staff and Jisung just woke up from a nap. He looks a bit disorientated across the room until he decides to join Chan and Seungminie. They sit in front of a small table covered with colorful envelopes and small packages. “What’s all of that?” The rapper asks sitting down next to them. “Oh you’re back alive again!” Seungmin says looking up from a paper in his hands. Chan ignores the sassy comment. “These are letters stay send us!” The leader shuffles a bit in the large pile and then shoves a handful of letter into Jisung’s hands. “These are addressed to you.”

Jisung is a bit taken aback. He had not expected that there would be so many letters for him specifically. He should take his time to read all of them properly. After carefully collecting all of his letters Jisung places himself in a corner of the room. He skims through the pile trying to decide with which one he should start and… 

A cold shiver runs down his spine. A plain, white envelope, ugly handwriting and the paper is just a little damp. Jisung stares down onto the letter. He can hear his heartbeat fasten, his breath quicken, his hands start to shake, sweat forms on his forehead.

The others must not see this letter under any circumstances! Jisung crumples the envelope in his fist and shoves it into his pocket. Then he hastily looks around the room. Nobody looks at him, they haven’t noticed anything yet. Good, good, that’s good. He has to get out of here, right now!

Jisung stands up too quickly, the chair screeches loudly over the floor. Shit, shit, shit! He can’t let them know! He starts walking through the room desperately trying to seem inconspicuous. There is a gaze burning a hole into his back but Jisung ignores it. No, no, no. Please let nobody follow him! Then he is finally out the door. But it’s no relieve. The air is way too thick, way too hot and dry. He can’t breath! His legs move on their own. The short walk rushes past him in a blur. He’s only aware of his surroundings again when he enters the bathroom and locks the door behind him. 

Slowly he slides down the door. His whole body trembles as he pulls out the envelope. Why? Why now?! He won’t read it. He won’t ruin the show tonight! He won’t let himself be frightened so easily! He is not that weak. 

/

But Jisung is weak. Of course he is weak! After minutes of staring the letter down he admits defeat. His fingers shake and he needs a few attempts until the paper finally tears. Out of the envelope falls a small, folded paper with ripped edges. He doesn’t want to unfold it, he doesn’t want to read it, he doesn’t want to know what he wrote him again. But his body doesn’t care, as always. His fingers unfold the paper without his permission and his eyes force him to read. 

A festival, huh? Never been to one. Not really my scene. But there’s a first time for everything, I guess.

You remember your first time, don’t you?

I do.

Every sound, every breath, every inch of your skin — it’s all still there. And when I see your body move on stage…

I think it will all come back. Vividly. I’m looking forward to the feeling.

Think of me when you look into the crowd. You never know whose eyes linger on your body.

 

Black spots form before Jisung’s eyes. His heartbeat races with his breath. Blood rushes through his veins. His entire body shivers, is cold as ice and burns like hellfire at the same time. The letter falls out of his hands when he grips his thighs so hard his knuckles turn white. He squeezes his eyes shut, feels tears spill over his cheeks.

Jisung is sure he’s going to die. His chest tightens and slowly starts to crush his heart into pieces. It’s over. It’s finally over. He won’t see his members again, he won’t see Minho ever again. 

A sob rages through his body. His head bangs painfully against the door. It hurts so bad, but it’s something he can concentrate on. Jisung craves the pain. It’s something familiar, something he knows, something he can control. He knows it’ll help, he just needs a razor blade and his chest will stop crushing him. If he just had a fucking blade!

Jisung’s hands pinch and scratch over his thighs trying to get the control over his body back. He bangs his head against the door again. The pain settles inside his body. It slowly pushes the panic aside.

/

Jisung pulls himself up on his feet and steadies himself on the sink. He still shakes slightly, his vision is a bit blurry. A big wave of nausea hits him and he stumbles to the toilet. He leans over the seat choking out everything he ate today and all the energy he has left. When his gag reflex subdues he leans against the wall and closes his eyes. In an attempt to calm himself down he buries his nose inside of Minho's hoodie. It helps to clear his mind. But with a clear mind he realizes what could have happened just now.

Fuck. This is going to break him, sooner rather than later. Fucking hell, he just thought about cutting himself. And he knows, had there been a razor blade he would’ve done it. But Jisung had sworn to himself to never go down that road again. He had done it before, he had been there and he knows it only helps temporarily. Carefully his hand slips under his hoodie and shirt and gently slides over his left side. There, hidden under the black ink of his tattoo are the ugly scars his darkest hours left behind. You can’t see them if you don’t know they’re there. And nobody knows. Nobody will ever know. But Jisung does. He did this to himself. 

He sighs. He will pull himself together, go back to the others and won’t show what happened. The members are all nervous, he won’t make it worse. Jisung slowly gets up again and steps in front of the sink. Shit. His own reflection looks back at him through the mirror. Puffy eyes, red blotches on his cheeks, dried tears under his eyes. He just looks so tired, broken. Jisung knows that this is only the aftermath of his panic attack. The down after an emotional high. Once he gains a little energy back again, his anxiety will tear him apart again. 

Jisung makes himself ready to go back. He splashes icy cold water into his face, picks up the letter and the envelope, straightens his clothes and takes some deep, steady breaths. He can do this. He already pulled himself out of other dark holes all by himself. He can do it again. He will do it again. 

/

When Jisung enters the room with all the members again, they have already started to slowly get ready for the show. Their stylist are there and give them their outfits and do their hair and make up. He’s really grateful for that because it’s very busy and nobody notices his return. Before letting the stylist do their thing to him he steps over to his bag and takes his tranquilizer, a double dose. The more the better. Anxiety is already burning in the pit of his stomach but he has to suppress it. He can’t let it get to him. Jisung won’t break.

Minho watches a stylist curl strands of Jisung’s hair. He had seen the younger leave the room earlier but hadn’t noticed his return. He is sure the other was gone for a while. What did he do? Something seems off about him now. Minho would like to go over to him and talk to him but his face is currently in the process of becoming flawless and he doesn’t want to bother the hard working staff. During his whole procedure of getting ready his eyes keep lingering on Jisung. The other is calm, too calm. He is always nervous before concerts and usually shows this through singing loudly or trying to distract himself by speaking to others. Now he keeps to himself while getting ready, listening to music with his headphones or scribbling into his notebook.

The start of the show gets closer and closer. All the members look perfect in similar white and black outfits, their accessories and make up highlighting their features. There is this hum in the air, nervous, expecting, anticipating. They slowly start to stretch and warm up their voices. 

Jisung allows himself to be overwhelmed by the chaos. He joins the dashing river of emotions, noises and actions around him. Everything to keep him from thinking. Stretching his still tired and energy-less legs he lets Changbin’s powerful rapping fill his ears, lets it numb everything he feels. He feels a bit high actually. High on the feeling of feeling nothing. His head spins but he doesn’t feel dizzy, his hands feel shaky but don’t shake, his heart aches but pounds completely normally, his whole body feels utterly out of control but it moves with a calm sureness Jisung never experienced before. It’s intoxication. It’s addicting. 

One of the staff members guides them back stage. They can see the crowd of screaming, singing and dancing fans. It’s big. It’s so fucking huge Jisung can’t see the last row. Somewhere there is… He can feel a lump form in his throat but he quickly swallows it. No, not happening. 

His skin vibrates. The energy surrounding him is the perfect kind of overwhelming. All the tension in the air consumes him entirely, leaves no space for anything else. Jisung doesn’t really perceive what’s going on anymore. His body moves entirely on its own carrying him through the rest of warming up and speaking with the staff and his members. Everything is a blur until Chan gathers them all around him. They all know the routine, one hand in the middle the other wrapped around each other. Their leader calls out: “Stray Kids!” And they all shout: “Fighting!” 

Minho steps out onto the stage, microphone in his hand, adrenaline rushing through his veins and eyes glued to Jisung’s back. Jisung is absolutely inconspicuous. He stretched, warmed up his voice and interacted with the staff and the members completely normal. There is nothing off about him. Nothing worrisome or concerning can be found. He is calm and collected, every move of his body radiates something like confidence or certainty. 

And it’s just so wrong! Everything feels wrong. Jisung isn’t like that before shows. He’s nervous and fidgety and sings or laughs too loud to hide it. He looks for comfort from the other members. He looks for comfort from Minho. But he didn’t do it this time. Jisung kept his distance. He didn’t avoid Minho, not to such extend that it be noticeable for others. But Minho noticed, of course he does! How couldn’t he when his whole being always gravitates towards Jisung? The younger was his fucking magnet and wasn’t even aware of that! 

Minho’s heart stings when he thinks back to the conversation between Jisung and Hyunjin. It wasn’t anything special, just reassuring each other that the show will be great and bit fooling around too. But Minho was fucking jealous! He still is and it’s fucking ridiculous. Why the hell would he be jealous at Hyunjin or any of the other members? Why? Because the other had a fucking conversation with Jisung? Really? Is Minho serious? He has to get a fucking grip!

They get in formation on the platforms above the band. The huge curtain hanging in front of the stage still hides them from the crowd. It’s nearly silent, the music played for the waiting fans stopped a few minutes ago. The air is filled with anticipation and excitement. And then the whistling from S-Class starts, the curtain falls and the crowd explodes.

Jisung sees the crowd as a gigantic moving mass. He can’t make out single individuals and that’s a damn blessing. He knows now it’s starting, there is now way out of it now. Changbin’s voice sounds echoes across the stage loudly soon followed by Hyunjin’s. And then it’s Jisung’s turn. He opens his mouth and all words come out as they should, sounding exactly like they should. They slowly walk down the stairs to the main stage positioning themselves for the first dance part. 

Jisung moves like he is a trance. It’s good, very good. He doesn’t miss any of his parts, doesn’t stumbles over his words or feet. Focused on himself he is able to block everything else out completely. But when they move to the smaller part of the stage surrounded entirely by fans, he remembers that he’s being watched. By hundreds, thousands of eyes and one especially… 
Some kind of mechanism inside of his mind stops his thoughts from going any further. He’s again entirely focused on his performance.

Their bodies move to the sounds of Domino perfectly synchronized. Minho tried to glance at Jisung throughout the performance. He seems alright, his performance is flawless, he looks breathtaking. The way the younger moves his body, his voice, the beads of sweat rolling down his temple. Minho has to avert his gaze again. After this song they’ll have their first outfit change and can rest a bit. He has to hold on just for a few minutes. 

When they leave the stage they are all breathing heavily and are covered in sweat. Immediately they are surrounded by staff and stylist helping them to change as fast as possible. Someone wipes the sweat out of Jisung’s face. The break is not good. It gives him time to calm down, to leave the state of trance he was in and to start thinking again. No, no. That can’t happen! 

Jisung pinches himself. It helps but just barely. He exhales sharply through his nose. It’s alright, everything is fine! He will just continue what he did for the first few songs and everything will be alright!

The next song starts and they go out on stage when it’s their turn to sing. Jisung’s new outfit is a bit uncomfortable. The shirt scratches over his skin and his pants is slightly too tight at his hips. He knows this could shoot up his anxiety drastically if he lets it. But instead he concentrates on it to block out the rest. It’s a good tactic and it works out nicely. Throughout all the next songs it’s going smoothly. There aren’t any breaks between the tracks, the transitions connect everything perfectly. Jisung can feel himself slowly getting tired. Is his tranquilizer wearing off? Probably. That’s not good. He can already feel the anxiety crawling up his body again. 

Okay, okay. Jisung has to stop that or this will go terribly wrong. He focuses again on the feeling of his clothes on his body but immediately his anxiety worsens. Fuck, he wants to rip his skin from his bones. But that’s not possible. He is on stage, he has to perform because he is being watched. It feels like he is suddenly on fire. Eyes burn their way through his clothes and onto his skin. Jisung is overly aware of every move his body makes. Every step he makes, every swing of his arms and every roll of his hips is being watched. I he there? Does he watch Jisung? Jisung’s eyes slide over the crowd. They are currently on the platform again that’s why he can’t make out single persons. But he sees their eyes looking at him and knows they want to touch him. He hears their thoughts, which make expectations, demands, and commands.

Jisung’s heartbeat and breath are way too fast. He knows he has to calm himself down, he must not have a panic attack right now. His hand automatically moves to his chest, his neck. Forcing himself to breathe in deeply through his nose and out through his mouth he steps down the stairs. He has to get back into position for the next dance part. The other members are already there he has to hurry up to make it on time. He can’t mess this up!

And then everything happens way too fast. Jisung glances at the crowd again and… sees him. He stands there in the first row, completely unbothered by the screaming fans beside him. With a small, ugly, terrifying, insane smile he is staring right into Jisung’s soul. The idol stumbles over the last step. Trying to balance himself he puts his left foot on the ground a bit too hard. He steps onto something.

There is a crack. A sharp pain inside his left knee. It’s something Jisung never heard or felt before.

The ground rushes towards his face and he barely catches himself with his hands. His knee is gone, there is nothing stabilizing him anymore. It feels lose, wobbly.

Fuck, fuck, fuck! This is bad! This is so fucking bad! Jisung can feel it. He feels the pain and knows it’s bad. No, no, nonono! 

Jisung tries to move, tries to stand up, tries to get the hell out of here. He’s on stage he has to keep going or get lost, can’t let anyone see. Tears start forming in his eyes. It hurts, it fucking hurts and he can’t stand up. What should he do? He can hear someone yelling, the crowd sees him, they know something is wrong. No, no, no! Jisung has to do something has to leave the stage. He tries to stand up again but his knee can’t hold him and buckles again. It feels like it’s going to explode. He has to bite down on his lip hard to suppress the cry of pain wanting to burst out of him. Fuck! 

And then someone kneels down beside him. “Jisung, what’s going on?” Minho. It’s Minho. Jisung can’t think, he doesn’t know what to do but his mouth moves out of reflex. “M-My knee. C-Can’t get up.” His voice sounds pained, shaky and so fucking small. “We have to get you backstage.” Minho puts his arm around Jisung’s waist and lifts the younger up from the ground like he weighs nothing. Jisung huffs out a cry of pain and surprise and slings his arm around the other's shoulder holding on for dear life. Minho half carries and half drags the younger from the stage. Their manager comes to meet them halfway and positions himself on Jisung’s other side. Together the two continue to carry the younger.

Everything around Jisung is a blur. He can hear loud, panicked voices talk to him. He sees fuzzy shapes moving around him. He feels people touching him. But he can’t react. All he can do is think: It’s over now. He is hurt. He can’t dance anymore. He has to leave Stray Kids. His career is over. His dream is over. His life is over. And there is nothing he can do about it. 

Jisung’s heart thunders inside of his terrible tight chest, his breaths are shallow, he barely gets enough oxygen. No, no, no! He is going to fucking pass out and die! And he can’t do anything!

Two warm hands cup his cheek and carefully wipe Jisung’s tears away. “Sungie? Hey, can you hear me?” Minho. It’s Minho again. Jisung tries to blink his tears away and slowly the older comes into his view. His face is contorted with concern. “M-Minho? What’s happening?” Jisung feels pain pulse through his knee again and looks down. Somehow he sits on a table with his pants rolled up over his left knee. A muffled sound leaves the younger's mouth. His knee is thick, swollen. His skin steadily turns purple. No, no, no! Please no! 

A sob shakes Jisung's body. His thoughts start to spiral into very dark places again. But he is stopped by the hands on his face which gently lift his chin up again. Minho looks into Jisung's eyes. "It's alright. It's going to be fine. You're going to be fine! Your knee will heal!" The older's tone is firm and tolerates no contradiction. Jisung nods. It's everything he can do. He looks into the other's eyes and desperately clings to his words. They have to be true! They have to!

Chan appears out of nowhere and takes Minho's position to places his hands firmly onto Jisung's shoulders. "You are strong Jisung. They'll bring you to the hospital to check your knee. I'm so sorry but we can't come with you right now. We will finish the show and be by your side in no time, okay? You can do it!" And then Chan is gone again and Minho hugs him tightly and mumbles into his ear. "I'm sorry. I'll be there as fast as possible." And then Minho is gone too, pulled back on stage by Chan. 

Everything is a blur again. There are people doing something to him, giving him pills he swallows, manhandling him into and out of a car, talking to him, telling him things. But all Jisung can think is: It's over.

It's fucking over. 

Chapter Text

Ready.

Minho stands in position ready for the dance break in God’s Menu. His body is slightly tensed but in a good way, ready to dance with precision. And then he hears a muffled cry beside him. There are a few yells out of the crowd and arms pointing towards something on Minho’s right side. He turns and… freezes for a split second. Jisung sits on the ground leaned forward staring down onto his knee. Oh no, Minho has a really bad feeling about this. And then Jisung starts to get up, puts pressure on his knee and drops down again. The pained expression on the younger’s face immediately makes him move. With a few fast steps he’s by Jisung’s side and kneels down.

“Jisung, what’s going on?” The younger seems completely out of it. His gaze is unsteady, his lower lip quivers. “M-My knee. C-Can’t get up.” Minho’s heart cracks. Jisung’s voice just sounds so small, so pained.

Fuck, this is bad. This is so fucking bad! What happened? Will his knee be okay again? It fucking has to!

Minho hears shouts from the crowd again. Shit, he has to get Jisung out of here. The older wraps his arm around the other’s waist and stands up. Before finally leaving the stage Minho looks over his shoulder to Chan. The leader obviously noticed what happened too and signals the dance leader to go on. Quickly Minho carries Jisung clinging to him to the side entrance of the stage. Their manager comes to them and steadies Jisung on his other side. The younger doesn’t really move. He seems to be in a state of shock. Only his hand gripping Minho’s shoulder as tightly as he can indicates his pain. The staff members saw what happened too and hectically move out of their way when they come backstage.

Carefully Minho lifts Jisung onto a table. He stares into nothing, his breath is slightly too fast. Fuck. Minho has to do something. He has to reassure the younger, has to help him. He is ripped out of his thoughts when Chan hurries backstage. The leader steps beside Minho. “How bad is it?” “He can’t walk.” The conversation is quick and efficient based on facts. “He has to get to the hospital. We’ll finish the show.” Minho opens his mouth to protest. He won’t leave Jisung alone. He can imagine vividly how the other will react once the shock wears off and Minho really doesn’t want him to have to face it alone. But Chan interrupts him before he could even start to speak. “No, you can’t accompany him. We have to finish this show, it’s important.” “Jisung is fucking more important!” Minho’s voice is heavy with emotion he can’t suppress. “I know, I know.” Chan’s tone is calm but firm. The leader grabs the other’s neck and presses their foreheads together. “This situation is fucking bad. I don’t want to leave him alone either but he wouldn’t want you to leave. And we aren’t doctors we can’t help him right now.” He knows Chan’s words are true but Minho’s heart screams. He wants to push the older away and glue himself to Jisung. He may not be a fucking doctor but he sure as hell can help the younger. He knows him. He fucking knows Jisung and he knows he will panic and feel terrible and definitely shouldn’t to be left alone. 

Minho opens his mouth again. Wanting to protest, wanting to yell at the other, wanting to make clear he won’t leave Jisung. But he is once again stopped by the leader. “I know! But you won’t go with him! We will finish this show and visit him afterwards!” Chan has this particular tone in his voice. His leader tone. It tolerates no objections and is absolutely final. Minho’s protest deflates. He knows he has no chance. So he just nods resigned. “Good. Talk to him, I’ll come and get you in a minute.” 

And then Chan is gone and Minho stands there desperately. He feels shaky, helpless, hopeless. Fuck…

Fuck! He has to get a fucking grip. Jisung is the one freaking out right now and needs Minho’s support and not someone who can’t pull themself together. Slowly he takes deep breaths to calm him down before he turns facing the younger again. He swallows. Jisung sits there exactly like before, unmoving. His hands are tightly clasped together in his lap, his eyes and cheeks shiny with tears. Someone rolled up his pants to reveal his knee. And it’s a painful sight, it’s swollen and red and purple. It’s absolutely not right.

Gently Minho cups the younger’s face with his hands. He swipes his tears away in an attempt to get Jisung’s attention. “Sungie? Hey, can you hear me?” Something in the younger’s eyes changes and he starts blinking up to Minho. “M-Minho? What’s happening?” The older doesn’t want to tell him, doesn’t want to tell him he is injured, doesn’t want him to know how bad it is. Before Minho can say something Jisung looks down to his knee. No, no, no. He doesn’t want the younger to see that!

A pained sob leaves Jisung’s throat and pierces directly into Minho’s chest. Why did this happen? Why did this have to happen to Jisung of all people? He already has enough to carry around all by himself.

Minho lifts up the younger’s face so he has to look him in the eyes. “It’s alright. It’s going to be fine. You’re going to be fine! Your knee will heal!” He needs the other to believe his words as much as he needs himself to believe them. He needs to hold on for both of them, has to be strong for both of them.

Minho feels a hand on his shoulder gently pushing him to the side. It’s Chan who now talks to Jisung. All the dance leader can do is watch and feel the desperation inside his heart grow. And then Chan steps back again and Minho knows they have to leave. He doesn’t want to. When he hugs Jisung he can feel the leaders gaze burning into his back. He ignores it at first and mumbles some words into the other’s ear. But then he has to go. 

It almost causes Minho physical pain to let the other go and step back. Chan grabs his arm and pulls him back onto the stage. The sight of Jisung sitting on that table surrounded by staff looking lonely and hurt and broken, Minho never wants to see it ever again. 

The rest of the members continued with the performance covering for them. Chan waves them over and they quickly gather around him for a second. “Jisung injured himself and is now brought to the hospital. We continue the show and cover his parts. If your part is in front of his just continue to sing.” They all nod. “Alright. I know it’s hard but we can do it! We’ll finish this as best as we can for stay. Fighting!” 

They spread out on stage again and continue to sing the song currently playing. Minho hates it. He tries to suppress his anger, tries to pretend everything is alright and he isn’t worried sick to his stomach but he is sure he fails. He doesn’t want to let it out on stay. They did nothing wrong and just wanted to have fun and to enjoy a normal show. But they can’t really enjoy it right now. Minho sees the confused and worried faces, the crowd is restless wondering about what happened. 

That’s not good. They can’t really go on like this, can they? Chan seems to agree to that because after the song he signals the band to make a short break. “Many of you already noticed that Han isn’t on stage anymore. Unfortunately he fell and injured himself. But you don’t have to worry! He is taken care of by professionals and hopefully gets better soon. Please continue to enjoy the show!” Chan proved once again why he is the leader. He always knows what to say and when.

The crowd calms down a bit again. It’s still worried but not as agitated as before. Something that Minho can’t say about himself. His skin tingles and all he can think about is Jisung sitting alone somewhere inside a busy hospital while staring down at his fucked up knee. What he would give to be by his side right now. But he has to hold on. Only six more songs to go. 

Minho’s body moves on autopilot. He knows all the steps by heart and it isn’t difficult for him to drift away with his thoughts. The other members aren’t really there too. Chan really tries to hide his worry but it’s clearly visible inside his eyes. Felix’s smile is forced, not the usual beaming sunshine. Changbin nervously clenches his fists. Hyunjin dances not with as much energy as usual. Seungmin’s face is blank showing no emotions at all. Jeongin bites his lower lip and fidgets with his shirt. 

They all radiate nervous energy. To know everyone worries so much about Jisung comforts Minho a bit but at the same time it pushes his concerns to the maximum. It just shows him that his sorrows are more than valid and the other’s feel the same.

And then finally the last tunes of Stray Kids echo over the stage and applause erupts around them. Minho’s leg shakes impatiently. He wants to leave the stage immediately but they have to say goodbye properly and bow multiple times. When Chan eventually turns to walk off the stage Minho is on fire. As fast as possible but without to run the dance leader goes backstage and follows the staff into their artist room. He jumps out of his stage clothes and just throws on some sweatpants and a hoodie. The other members follow his example. They’re still drenched in sweat and haven’t removed their make up but are relatively ready to go when the manager comes in.

”Okay guys, Jisung is currently in the hospital. But they couldn’t do much for him and he can’t stay there because it’s over occupied. We decided that it would be best to return to Korea right away. Our flight departs at 3 am so we have a really tight schedule. You will return to the hotel and pack your things while I pick up Jisung and we will meet up at the airport.” That doesn’t sit right with Minho. “No. I’m coming with you to the hospital.” His tone is a bit inappropriate, it’s too sharp but Minho can’t bring himself to care. Their manager opens his mouth to protest but Chan beats him to it. “Alright. I’m gonna pack your and Jisung’s things.” That seems to satisfy the manager cause he nods. “Okay, then let’s hurry up everyone.” 

After handing over their keycard to Chan, Minho and their manager exit the building. There is a car with security personnel already waiting for them. The drive takes a while but luckily the streets are relatively empty. That can’t be said about the hospital. The emergency room is packed with people waiting for treatment. Minho pulls the hood of his sweater deeper into his face. There are too many people who could potentially recognize him. The manager speaks a few words with a nurse and then follows her. They are guided to a small consultation room. Minho immediately spots Jisung. The younger lies on a small examination table. His pants are still rolled up and a brace is supporting his wrapped knee, fastened at his thigh and wade. His eyes are closed, hands clasped together in his lap. 

Slowly Minho approaches him and sits down beside him. When he starts stroking through Jisung’s hair the younger opens his eyes and looks up to him. “Lino?” “Hey, how are you feeling?” Immediately Minho punches himself inwardly. Of course he feels like shit! What a stupid question. “They gave me painkillers. I don’t really feel anything.” He slurs the words a bit, his eyes half lidded. “Okay, you’re going to be alright.” “Mh.” Jisung doesn’t sound convinced and closes his eyes again. “What’s happening now?” “We’ll head directly to the airport and fly back home.” 

Jisung opens his eyes again when the door opens and closes and they’re joined by their manager. “I just spoke to the nurse. She said you have to get a MRI but it’s likely that you have a ligament tear. You have to completely spare it at first and sleep with the brace and see what the doctor says. We already made an appointment at the hospital for you tomorrow.” Jisung nods overwhelmed. He is so out of it because of the painkillers that he doesn’t really realize what is being said. He is pulled up into a sitting position and someone massages his tense shoulders. Minho’s face appears in front of Jisung’s. “Jisungie. There are crutches for you, do you think you can walk with them?” Could he walk with crutches? Maybe. But he just wants to close his eyes and do nothing. There is barely any energy left inside of his body. The nurse said it’s because of the painkillers he took. 

Jisung sighs. There is no way around it, isn’t it? So he starts mentally preparing himself to make this impossible seeming walk. Just when he is ready to nod Minho speaks again. “I can carry you to the car, if you can’t walk.”
Oh, that would be nice. That would be really nice. But… is it really okay? As if the older had read his mind he says: “It’s alright. It’s not that far to the car.” Okay. Jisung finally nods and stretches out his arms towards Minho. The older can’t suppress the little happy feeling rising up in his stomach when the younger agrees. He’s just a human too! How can’t he be happy when Jisung entrusts him with himself so easily? 

Minho carefully lifts Jisung up. One arm is under his thighs, the other behind his back. Jisung lets himself go loose and just relaxes in Minho's embrace. Unfortunately the younger is still wearing his stage outfit and just has a mask to cover his face, so he tries to hide it by pressing it into Minho’s chest. Hopefully the people around here are too occupied with themselves to recognize them. Minho’s scent in his nose is very calming and he is sure he could fall asleep right away. 

Minho looks down onto the half asleep boy in his arms. He hopes the painkillers effect won’t wear off so soon. Jisung should get some rest before he realizes the entire situation. Tomorrow will probably be very exhausting too. The appointment at the hospital and afterwards they’ll surely have a meeting with their management and JYP to discuss the next steps. Sleep could only help him. 

They reach the car without any incidents. Minho lets Jisung down and gets inside the car beside him. Immediately the younger lays his head onto the other’s shoulder, closes his eyes and dozes off. Minho is fascinated. While the older watches over the other’s sleep his thoughts drift off. 

What if Jisung really has a complete ligament tear? Will he need surgery? How long will he be out for? How will it affect their upcoming comeback? How will it affect Jisung’s psyche? Will he be able to get through it? 

Minho’s thoughts and worries spiral throughout the whole car ride. It’s not too long but he still feels emotionally exhausted when he exits the car. Jisung feels worst. It’s as if he’s been run over by a hundred trains and tossed into a rollercoaster afterwards. His knee doesn’t really hurt, the painkillers prevent that, but it feels really hot and there is an awkward pressure probably coming from the swell. 

Jisung sighs and carefully stands up straight supporting himself with the crutches. Minho watches him attentively ready to catch him should he fall at any moment. But he doesn’t. Jisung is slow but he is making progress. It’s already 00:45 am so the airport is minimal crowded. Because of the short-term change of plan unknown by fans and press there is also no-one bothering them when they check in. It takes some time until the two idols and their manager finally arrive at the private lounge. The other members are already there waiting for them longingly. 

Luckily they let Jisung sit down on one of the couches first. He doesn’t think he can stand any longer. Jisung doesn’t miss the shocked expression from the members when he sits down with trouble. They can’t see the large brace because it’s hidden under his baggy pants. They don’t know the full extent yet. And Jisung can’t bring himself to look them in the eyes when he slowly pulls up his Jeans. His mind is still very clouded and he just wants to get this over with so he can sleep. 

“Fuck.” Changbin says and speaks out everyone’s thought. It’s quiet and nobody moves for a few seconds. They have to let this new information and what it could mean for the future sink in. And then Felix drops down onto the couch next to Jisung and hugs him tightly. He is thankful for the extra support so he can just lets himself go limp. While the blonde scratches Jisung’s head, the others pull chairs to them and settle down in a small circle. 

“So what happened exactly?” Hyunjin asks. Jisung hums while trying to clear his mind a bit. “I was walking down the stairs and then…” …he saw him. A small shiver runs down Jisung’s spine. Fuck, he has to overplay that. “Then I stepped onto something and slipped. My knee cracked and just buckled.” He has to swallow hard at this memory. “I can’t walk. It feels like my knee is just going to give away at any moment.” 

“Does it hurt a lot?” Jeongin asks a bit uncertain. Under different circumstances Jisung’d think the Maknae’s behavior is cute. “I’m on painkillers, don’t feel much.” “What did the doctor say?” Chan asks the question everyone has been wondering about, but hasn't dared to ask because they were too afraid of the answer. Jisung doesn’t seem like he would or could answer that, so Minho stands in for him. “They couldn’t examine him properly because the hospital was so full. He has to get a MRI but… they said it’s very likely a ligament tear.” It’s a distressed silence again until Seungmin breaks it. “And what would that mean? Does he need to get surgery?” “And for how long can he not dance?” Hyunjin joins in. Any other worried questions are gently stopped by Chan. “Guys, let’s not freak ourselves out. We don’t know anything yet. Let’s wait and rest.” Everyone agrees quietly. They are all exhausted.

”Jisungie, you should wash up a bit and remove your make up. I brought you some fresh clothes too.” Felix says while slowly releasing his embrace. “You should too Minho.” Minho is pulled out of his thoughts by Felix’s voice. “Huh?” He just stared down on Jisung’s knee trying to grasp this whole shit show. “I said you two should wash up.” “Ah, yes.” Minho stands up and comes over to Jisung. The younger doesn’t look really thrilled to get up but willingly lets himself be picked up by the older. Minho once again carries the younger bridal style. It’s just easier for the both of them, the dance leader tells himself. He does’t want to admit that he likes it a bit too much. 

“You don’t have to carry me, you know.” Jisung mumbles. “Sure, because you can walk so well right know.” “I would’ve managed.” The younger pouts. “Mhm, like when you almost face-planted while sitting down?” Jisung tries to glare up to Minho but there is no heat behind it. “Don’t be mean. I’m hurt.” He whines slightly. “I know. I just want you to let me help you. You are not alone. You don’t have to do this alone. You know that right?” “Yeah, yeah. It’s very hard to miss you.” “Oi, I’m being serious.” “Me too. You’re really persistent.” Jisung’s tone doesn’t sounds negative or judgmental. “Do you have a problem with that?” The older asks a bit teasingly. “No. I like it.” The younger whispers. And Minho absolutely does not blush at all. “Good. ‘Cause I’m not going to stop.” 

They arrive in the bathroom of the lounge and Minho sets Jisung down on the counter top. Then he starts to search the bag Felix gave him. Inside are fresh clothes for Jisung, cotton pads, make up remover and a few skin care products. Minho immediately starts to wipe the younger's make up away. Jisung hums contently. He can’t say he doesn’t enjoy it. “I can do that myself.” “Sure, you could, but you don’t have to.” Because the younger doesn’t want the other to stop he doesn’t protest any further. It’s just so easy to sit there and let Minho take care of him. Once his face is cleaned the older helps him out of his jeans and into a pair of sweats. He is very carefully and tries to avoid touching his knee at all.

Normally Jisung would feel extremely embarrassed to be helpless like this. But he really can’t bring himself to care just now. His mind is numb, his body feels heavy and he just wants to sleep. And Minho is Minho. He knows the older will take good care of him. When he’s slowly dozing off again Minho nudges his healthy knee. “Do you think you can stand on one leg for a while? You need to make a quick wash.” “Mhmm, okay.” Still with closed eyes Jisung slides down the counter and balances himself on his good leg. Then he takes off his shirt and starts to wash up. Minho makes sure the other is stable before he follows him suit. 

When they’re a bit less sweaty they dress themself again. When Jisung puts on the hoodie Felix brought he inhales deeply. It’s one of Minho’s. Why did the blonde bring this and not one of Jisung’s? Not that he is complaining! It’s just a bit odd. 

They start to head back to the others. Minho doesn’t carry the younger this time, he protested against it. Instead Minho is used as a human crutch. A very helpful, caring and courteous human crutch. Practically Jisung doesn’t walk using Minho as support - Minho walks and uses Jisung as extra weight. The older would prefer to carry him properly but it’s good that the younger got his will and doesn’t feel as powerless as before. 

Jisung sits down one the couch again with Minho’s help. The older steps away for a second to grab a coffee and something to eat. While Minho is gone Jisung makes himself as comfortable as he can taking deep breaths inhaling Minho’s scent again. He feels Felix chuckle beside him so he looks up into the blond’s face. It’s plastered with a wide grin. “What?” Jisung asks innocently. “I thought you’d like this one.” A small blush creeps up the younger’s cheeks. He doesn’t know how the other knows this and he isn’t sure if he likes it. Is he that obvious? Apparently. But… obvious about what exactly? Jisung doesn’t know and he doesn’t want to think about it further. 

When Minho returns and sits down next to Jisung the younger places his head onto the other’s shoulder and closes his eyes. The conversations around him turn into soft background noises lulling him into sleep. They have time until the plane departs. He can sleep.

Minho and the rest of the members notice when Jisung falls asleep. The conversations about the show slowly comes to an end and they are silent for some time once again. “He takes it relatively well, doesn’t he?” Seungmin says hopefully. “He’s on painkillers and still in shock I think. There will be a reaction once he realizes what’s going on. And it won’t be pretty.” Minho answers while looking down onto Jisung. The others murmur in agreement.

They spend the next hour mostly dozing off until the boarding begins. Jisung struggles with his crutches but the flight attendants are very understanding and try to help as best as they can. They are very friendly but the injured is happy when they finally leave him alone and he can close his eyes again.

Jisung spends the flight mostly asleep. He just wakes up to eat and drink something. Minho tries to sleep too but fails. His eyes are downright glued to Jisung’s knee. In his head constantly play scenes where the younger turns in his sleep and somehow makes his knee even worse. So he stays awake and watches over the other’s sleep. It’s really fucking exhausting but the time flys by surprisingly fast. It’s around 6 pm on Saturday when they leave the plane. Unfortunately the airport is really busy. The security personnel tries their best to guide the members around safely while avoiding too big crowds. It’s not easy and it takes longer than usual because Jisung isn’t used to walking with crutches. When the exit is already in sight somebody recognizes them. Minho immediately tries to shield Jisung from the camera. They don’t need panicked stays going crazy about a video about where Jisung walks with crutches. The older does his best but the crutches are just too obvious, no way they don’t notice them. 

Luckily there aren’t so many fans and the security can hold them away easily. When they get to the cars Minho automatically slides into the one Jisung enters. Normally they would part their ways now so the cars can head to the two dorms at the same time. But nobody questions Minho’s presence in the wrong car and absent in the right one. He sits in the back between Changbin and Hyunjin. Jisung and Chan sit in the row before them because there is much more foot space.

The car ride nearly takes an hour. The time slowly but steadily wakes Jisung up further. The painkillers effect wears off and the pain slowly creeps up his leg. The brace feels too tight, his flesh hot and his knee so unstable like it would fall apart at any given moment. And not just the pain comes back. His mind decides to play the moment he fell on stage over and over again before his eyes. A shudder runs down Jisung’s body. He had seen him. He had been there. He had watched him, how his body moved on stage, how he slowly grew more anxious. And he saw him fall after they made eye contact. Another prove of Jisung’s weakness perfectly displayed for everyone to see. And everyone saw it. There will be edits, post, comments and speculations, worries, complaints, expectations. He will have to face it.

It probably won’t work to just ignore everything like he usually does. Jisung knows all the stuff on social media doesn’t do him good, he just cares too much about other’s opinions. It would only stress him out further to see everything that’s said about him. But he can’t hide this time. This is something concerning the whole group and their fans too. It won’t be solved by ignoring. 

Jisung heart sinks at this prospect. Why does he have to endure all of this? How does he deserve this? Is he such a terrible person? 

He stares out of the window and tries to suppress the upcoming tears. This is not going to fucking help. He can cry about this whole shit show later when he is alone and nobody can see him. A soft sigh escapes Jisung. He just wants to sleep, to forget everything and maybe when he wakes up again it was just another nightmare. 

But Jisung doesn’t wake up. It’s not just a nightmare.

Chapter Text

Relieved.

They finally arrive back at the dorm and the first thing Jisung does is sit down on one of the couches. He closes his eyes and leans back sighing. Before he can do anything else he has to calm down and get a grip on his anxiety, the pain in his knee and the realization of his injury slowly hitting him with full force. Somebody sits down next to him and places a cool hand on top of his thigh. He doesn’t react outwardly but the weight of the hand helps him to keep grounded. Jisung doesn’t know how much time had passed when Chan returns into the living area. But it must be some because his hair is wet, he showered. “You can shower if you want. Hyunjin and Changbin should be ready at any moment. I’m going to make something to eat.” Minho nods and Chan goes into the kitchen. “Do you wanna shower?” The older asks. “Yeah… but I can’t take the brace off. And I… I can’t stand so long.” Jisung slowly opens his eyes again. He just looks incredibly tired. “I have an idea just wait a sec.” 

Minho stands up and goes into the kitchen to get some plastic wrap. When he returns Jisung already stands and slowly start heading in the direction of the bathroom. Minho stops by the younger’s room to get him a new stack of clothes and a small stool. When he steps into the bathroom Jisung leans against the sink and tries to wrap his leg in the plastic wrap. It really doesn’t look like he knows what he’s doing. Minho puts the clothes to the side and kneels down in front of Jisung. “Let me do that.”

It takes a while to cover the whole brace with wrap because the older is really careful not to hurt the younger. When it’s finished Minho places the stool inside the shower and Jisung’s clothes on top of a cupboard. Then he turns back to the younger still leaning against the sink. “Do you think you can manage?” The other shrugs. “Will do.” It doesn’t sounds convincing at all and it makes Minho only worry more. “Just scream if you need help okay? I’ll hear you.” “Yes.” Jisung says and nods before the older leaves the room. 

Minho is not happy with this situation. He would preferably watch every single move Jisung makes and not let him walk an only step. But that’s not possible. He has to get a grip on himself and his strong protectiveness. To keep himself busy he borrows some of Jisung’s bigger clothes and starts showering in the other bathroom. Minho doesn’t lets himself enjoy it, he just hurries up in case Jisung needs him. 

Jisung carefully sits down on the stool. It’s kind of humiliating to sit in the shower like a grandpa. But he is glad too. He wouldn’t be able to stand on one leg the entire time. As soon as the water splashes on his skin he deeply sighs. It’s almost a little too hot but it takes some of the tension out of his shoulders. Jisung’s eyes automatically find their way to his knee. He just stares down onto it until tears blur his vision and he has to blink them away. A broken sob escapes him and his body starts to shake violently. He can’t stop it. Jisung just can’t stop the emotions spilling out of him. Sobs wreck through his entire body, his chest tightens painfully and his breath comes out in gasps. 

Jisung just gives into the panic, lets himself be overwhelmed because he has no strength left to protect himself. The attack rolls over him taking everything from him, strips him to his core until his mind is completely empty but his heart and soul full of misery and sorrow. He shed all the tears there were to shed into the shower drain. His skin turned red and he almost doesn’t feel the heat of the water anymore. With a shaky hand he turns it off. For some more moments he just sits there feeling water droplets roll down his body. Then Jisung gets up - well he tries to at least. He needs a second attempt to balance himself on one leg and finally get out of the stall.

It’s a long, painful and exhausting process to dry himself off and remove the plastic wrap around his brace. He has just enough energy left to put on fresh clothes and grab his crutches. Before exiting the bathroom he has to take a short break. The face looking back at him in the mirror looks horrible. Jisung has dark bags under his puffy eyes, reddened skin with blotches and a snotty nose. Exactly how a person who just cried the living hell out of them, looks. He should try to hide it, right? The others don’t have to see that, right? So why does Jisung just don’t care? Everything just feels so irrelevant. It doesn’t matter if the others know he had a panic attack, if they see his fucked up state, if the whole fucking world catches on to his injury, his anxiety, his panic attacks, his nightmares, his parents, his tormenter, the letters, his scares, him being raped or his damn failed suicide attempt.

Jisung just wants to sleep. For a split second he thinks about going to bed immediately. He could ignore the others and be all alone to himself. But no. He is too weak even for that. 

Jisung drags himself into the living area. Hyunjin, Chan, Changbin and Minho sit at the dining table obviously waiting for him. Jisung sees the expressions in their eyes change as soon as they notice him. He doesn’t care. The youngest struggles his way over to the table, lets go of the crutches and flops down on Minho’s lap. There is not a single spark of energy left inside his body. The only thing he can do is breathe into the older’s neck. Minho immediately hugs him back pulling him close while his hands start soothingly stroking over the younger’s body. He scratches his hair, his neck and caresses his back, side and waist. The smaller body inside Minho’s arms slightly trembles but the younger can’t seem to be able to stop it. Maybe he hadn’t even noticed it.

Jisung would cry again if he had anymore tears to spill. Why is Minho like this? So… so Minho! Jisung definitely doesn’t deserve him. But he’s weak once again and just takes what he wants. So he stays in the older’s arms hoping the time would freeze and he would never have to face the world again. 

“Sungie?” Minho’s chest vibrates. “Do you want to eat something?” No he doesn’t. Jisung weakly shakes his head. “Are you sure? Please eat something, just a few bites.” The younger shakes his head again. “I think I’d throw up.” Jisung’s voice sounds hoarse from crying like he hadn’t talked in days. Minho’s hand gently scratches his head. “Okay. Do you need something else?” Maybe, but he can’t think about it right now. “No.” 

Minho looks down onto Jisung. He’s just a small heap of misery trying to hold himself together. The sight hurt something deep inside Minho. Jisung doesn’t deserve this. Why does he of all people have to go through all of this? If Minho could just take away some of the pain the younger has to carry. He wouldn’t hesitate for a split second. But he can’t. He has to sit there and watch Jisung fall apart between his arms. 

“Do you want to go to sleep?” Technically, yes. But Minho is too comfy, too warm and too alive. Jisung can’t leave when he himself feels so uneasy, so cold and so dead inside. “Can… can we stay like this for a bit?” The older’s heart cracks. “Of course baby.” He mumbles into the younger’s hair while immediately going back to scratching his head. 

Jisung feels a tiny churn inside his stomach. Minho just called him baby. That feels nice. He could call him that more often. 

Hyunjin watches Jisung melt into Minho touch like it’s the only thing he needs to survive. And maybe it is right now. Hyunjin had never seen the younger like this: so done with everything and just broken. When he entered the room earlier and the blonde saw him he nearly dropped his chopsticks. It’s obvious Jisung completely broke down in the shower. Like Minho had predicted it wasn’t pretty. It was horrible. Hyunjin can’t see the younger’s face anymore because it’s pressed into Minho’s neck, but he sees his body tremble slightly. Honestly Hyunjin is so fucking thankful that Minho came with them and didn’t return into his own dorm. The older just has a connection with Jisung, no one else has. The younger immediately searched for Minho’s comfort, something he rarely does with anyone else. And the older just knows what to do and how to handle Jisung’s behavior. 

Something Hyunjin would be completely overwhelmed with. Yes, they have known each other for years but something like this never happened before. How do you deal with this kind of situation? Well, Minho apparently knows exactly how. He just hugs and touches him while quietly talking into his ear. It almost feels inappropriate to watch them, because they are so caught up in their own world. They are often like this, occupied with each other, not noticing anything around them. Hyunjin sometimes wonders if there is more going on between them. He could absolutely see them together but it would be really difficult to manage with their whole idol-being-situation. He can only imagine how the company, JYP and especially stay would react. It could end well, but he sees way more possible bad ends than good ones. Maybe it is better for them to not be anything more than what they are now. It is probably better for Stray Kids too.

Changbin, Chan and Hyunjin finish their food while glancing at the other two from time to time. It is a weird situation. They all desperately want to help Jisung but at the same time don’t know how. So they just watch Minho do his thing. When they’re finished they slowly start cleaning up, moving around the other two carefully. 

Minho looks up when the others are ready to go to bed. “Chan do you have a mattress I can sleep on?” Jisung makes a small, disappointed sound and lifts his head for the first time. “Why?” There is desperation and distress in his voice, his eyes look slightly wet and his hands fist the older’s shirt. Minho hadn’t expected such a heavy reaction. Fuck. “It’s alright. I’m sorry.” He soothes, stroking through the other’s hair again. “I just don’t want to accidentally kick your knee in my sleep.” “But…” Jisung starts trembling a bit more, his hands pull at Minho’s shirt. “Okay, you know what: forget the mattress. We’ll think of something else.” The younger looks only a bit assured. “I’m not going anywhere.” Jisung deflates at Minho’s words and presses his head against his neck again.

Minho sighs and makes eye contact with Chan. He looks exactly like Minho feels: shocked, worried, helpless and tired. They should go to sleep. “Do you know when Jisung’s appointment at the hospital is?” Chan checks his messages. “At 10am. He’ll be picked up at 9:30am.” “Okay, then we should go to sleep now.” The elder nods and squeezes both their shoulders reassuringly. 

Minho stands up with a bit of trouble. Jisung is not really heavy but the older is so tired he has to use all his strength to hold himself up. He follows Hyunjin into their room and sets the younger down onto his bed. “Just wait a second. I’ll be right back.” Jisung looks up to Minho displeased but nods weakly. When the older leaves the room Jisung starts nervously picking at his nails. He just wants Minho back and then fall into a comatose sleep. There is just too much he has to deal with and it feels like the weight is crushing him. 

Jisung is gently pulled out of his thoughts by Hyunjin’s hand on top of his shoulder. “I have an idea for your knee, Hannie. Lay down please.” The younger does as he’s told and shifts to the side. The blonde carefully places small pillows around and under the other’s knee. “Do you think this will work?” He asks trying to softly build up a conversation. “Mh, yes. Looks good.” Jisung says absentmindedly while fidgeting with his hands. Hyunjin doesn’t know what else to do so he carefully sits and takes the other’s hands in his own to prevent him from picking at them. They just sit there like that and wait for Minho’s return.

After Minho closes the bedroom door behind him, he leans against the wall. He just has to take some deep breaths to get a hold of himself. Fucking hell. Why does Jisung’s condition has to effect him so much too? He should be stronger to help the younger get through all of this and not drag him down further. The next weeks and probably months are going to be extremely challenging for all of them and they’ll need a long breath to endure everything. Can he manage all of this when he is already this exhausted?

Minho is torn out of his thoughts when he hears someone coming down the hallway. Chan appears before him and pulls him into a hug without saying anything. Normally Minho isn’t the one for hugs with most of the members but right now it feels nice. Chan gives good hugs and it’s great to be at the receiving end for once. They just stand there like that until Minho pulls back. He doesn’t want Jisung to wait so long. They say goodnight and then Minho takes a quick detour to the bathroom. 

Minho returns to the bedroom to Hyunjin holding Jisung’s hand and sitting next to him. “We protected his knee a bit. I think this should work.” The blond says while standing up. “Oh yes. That’s going to work.” Minho slowly slides into bed beside the younger looking longingly up to him. As soon as he lays down Jisung presses himself to his side and places his head on top of Minho’s firm chest. The older wraps one arm around the other’s back and starts stoking his head. After Hyunjin turns off the lights Minho closes his eyes and tries to sleep. It takes him a lot more time than Jisung who dozes off right away. But eventually he is pulled into an uneasy sleep too.

/

Pain pulls Jisung out of his sleep. His knee throbs and pulses with a hot, unfamiliar pain. A muffled sound escapes him. “Jisungie?” Minho’s hand once again starts to scratch his head. “What’s up?” The older’s voice still sounds sleep drunken. “My knee hurts.” The younger’s mind is a bit clearer than yesterday. He can think again and has now realized that he won’t be dancing any time soon. It hurts to think he’ll be such a burden for the others. But he can’t change that now. He will just try to not bother the other’s, they can’t notice how this affects him. They don’t have to worry about him. When he just concentrates on making music everything will be alright. Hopefully.

Minho carefully sits up and peels the blanket from their bodies to look at Jisung’s knee. It basically looks the same like yesterday maybe a bit more swollen. “Did I kick you?” The older sounds really worried. “No, I don’t think so. It just hurts.” Jisung slowly sits up angling his knee a bit with a pained expression. This is going to be bad.

With Minho’s help Jisung gets up and does his morning routine. It’s difficult and takes way too long but it’s something familiar and helps him to calm down a bit. He’d like to take his tranquilizer but he doesn’t know how it will react with the painkillers he took immediately after entering the bathroom. It’s alright, he just has to pull himself together. When Minho carries him to the living area the others already sit at the table. “Morning.” Chan greets them and pulls out a chair for Jisung. Minho sets him down and sits on the chair next to him. The breakfast is quiet and a bit uneasy. Everyone fears the diagnosis for the younger’s knee he’ll get at the hospital.

When Jisung is about to head out to be picked up, he looks up to Minho and asks hesitantly. “Can you come with me?” The older can’t suppress a small smile. “I thought that was obvious.” Jisung averts his gaze a bit happier. “It was. But you often don’t catch on to obvious things.” Minho gapes. “Huh? And you’re the one talking right now?” Jisung shrugs. “What? Do you have against that?” “Yes! You’re literally the most oblivious person I know!” “Yeah, yeah keep talking nonsense.” Minho doesn’t object even if he’s definitively right. It’s just good to see Jisung’s mood slightly lighter again.

But his mood doesn’t stay like this for long. As soon as they arrive at the hospital with their manager he is back to a nervous fidgety mess. While they wait his good leg continuously shakes. When the nurse finally calls him up Minho looks after him with a queasy feeling inside his stomach. The next time he sees him he is diagnosed and knows for how long he’ll be out. 

Jisung slowly follows the nurse into a small examination room. “Please sit down. The doctor will be here any minute.” He sits down on an examination table and leans his crutches against it. After just a few minutes the door swings open. A tall woman in a white coat with a black ponytail and a tight but friendly expression on her face comes in. While sitting down on a rolling chair she greets him. “Good morning. I was informed that you injured your knee, is that correct?” She has a loud, clear voice but Jisung immediately likes her, she seems like she knows what she’s doing. “Yes. I slipped and it twisted.” He says while slowly pulling up his sweat pants. She nods. “When did it happened and how does it affect you?” “It was yesterday. And it hurts and feels hot and I can’t walk. It feels really unstable like it can’t hold up any pressure too.” While he talked the doctor carefully removed the brace and wrap arounds his knee. She gently scans it. “Okay. Before I can say anything more we have to make a MRI. Then I can see if it’s a ligament tear.” Jisung nods. “A nurse will take you there and after you’re finished he will meet here again.” The injured nods again and the doctor is gone as fast as she appeared.

When the nurse comes and guides him through the busy hospital Jisung just prays this won’t take too long.

His prayers are not answer. Jisung lays in a small white tunnel and is not allowed to move an inch for half a fucking hour. It’s horrible. He feels like a frozen squirrel forgotten and lonely in the deep freezer. And it’s so loud! What the hell does this machine do to be so loud and slow? But it’s over eventually and he is brought back into the examination room. The doctor enters the room with a paper in hand. “Alright. Like I thought you have an ACL rupture, an anterior cruciate ligament tear.” Jisung heart sinks to the pit of his stomach. “There are two possibilities about how we can proceed. You could decide to let it heal on its own and do a conservative treatment. But there are high risks. It’s likely that you feel a chronic instability for the next years that won’t go away even with physiological therapy. The risks of other injuries and tears in your knee drastically increase too. Especially seen for a long term. You might walk fine in a few months but feel it all coming back at 40. It would also mean that your career is basically over. You won’t be able to dance the same and push your body to such limits as before. Even if it doesn’t hurt one wrong step and your knee is completely ruined.” Jisung takes a shuddering breath. “That’s why I highly recommend a surgery to replace the ligament entirely. The healing process is a lot longer because your body has to accept and integrate it as a new part of your body. And if you start dancing again too early it’s likely the ligament tears again. But all in all it’s safer and you probably can return to performing on stage with enough regeneration time.” 

Fuck. Jisung feels a heavy weight pressing down on his shoulders and chest. He has to clear his tight throat before saying something. “How long would it take until I can dance again if I do the surgery?” His voice sounds dull in his own ears. “It depends on your body. Because you are young and sporty it probably won’t take as much time as usual. Still it will take at least three months. More likely are four to six.” 

Fuck. That means he won’t be able to dance for the comeback. The music videos, promotion performances and concerts will be without Jisung. He feels sick. So he can decide between ending his career because he will never be able to dance again and be out for several months and miss their entire comeback uncertain whether he will be accepted back into Stay Kids by stay again?

The doctor seems to understand his inner conflict. “You don’t have to decide that right away. You can let me know tomorrow and then I can schedule your surgery for next week or the week after.” The younger nods as if in a trance. “Okay, until then please wear the brace again at all times. And try to reduce the swelling by cooling the knee with ice and putting it up. And I guess it’s clear you can’t dance, run or do any other kind of physical activity. Alright? Do you have any other questions?” Jisung shakes his head and forces out a small, tensed smile. “No, thank you.” 

The doctor wraps his knee and helps him put on the brace again. Before Jisung leaves she gives him a small package of painkillers. “You can take them twice a day until the pain lessens.” And then Jisung is back in the hallway walking towards the waiting room. Minho and their manager sit there nervously waiting for him. When they notice him they immediately stand up. They agreed in advanced to leave the hospital as fast as possible. So the two of them take the younger in their middle and guide him through the hallways. When they are back in the car Minho turns to face the younger curiosity displayed on his face. 

Jisung sighs and looks down onto his lap then he starts telling them what the doctor said.

/

Minho and Jisung arrive at the dorm. The other members wait for them sitting in the living room. Jisung is exhausted. He doesn’t want to tell the whole story again. Minho sees the younger close his eyes and lean back against the couch and knows he doesn’t want to talk. So Minho does it for him of course. “His anterior cruciate ligament is completely torn. He can choose conservative treatment and let the kneel heal on its own but it’s risky and he could injure himself again. And he won’t be able to dance like before. Or he can under go surgery. That would mean he is out for at least three months, more likely are four to six.” Silence settles over them until Jisung sighs heavily. This is just all bullshit! But it is what it is and he has to make the best out of it.

“Fuck this! There’s really only one choice to consider here. As if I’m going to fucking end my career already. You just have to wait a few months for me.” Jisung feels the mood in the room instantly lighten. “Fuck yes, that’s what I wanna hear!” Minho pulls him into a short, tight hug. “Of course we will wait!” “We never could continue without you!” Chan and Felix say and hug him too. The rest of the members follow them suit until they all end up in a huge pile. 

It’s nice. They keep hugging each other and talk about trivial things for some time. Jisung relaxes a bit. He is not as sure about his decision as he tried to make the others think. Yes, he wants to keep dancing and performing, he would always choose that, but he is fucking scared about this surgery and his recovery process. What if something goes wrong and everything gets worse? No, he can’t think about that now. His mindset should be positive for a good recovery.

/

The members enter a large meeting room inside the company. JYP and all their managers with some other staff are already present waiting for them. Their faces are serious and worried and immediately unsettle Jisung. They sit down taking the injured in their middle. Straightforward they begin with the meeting and discuss how everything is going to go. 

/

Jisung lays on the couch inside the dancing studio with his headphones on. The meeting completely drained him. But because he doesn’t want to be alone he stayed at the company to watch the others dance practice. He is less watching and more dozing off and thinking. The meeting was really long because they discussed every little detail about how to proceed. After Jisung’s surgery next week they will hire a personal physiological therapist for him. He has to see him everyday at least once to ensure a proper healing process. The therapist will also accompany him to everything where there is even a small chance of him overstraining his knee. JYP also decided to push their comeback a few weeks backwards. Still Jisung probably won’t be able to dance properly for their promotion performances and music videos but it gives him a bit more time to strengthen his knee.

There were also some changes of plans for the preparations for the comeback. Usually Chan takes the leading role with their music production. But because Jisung practically can’t do anything else he will be responsible for everything regarding music. Of course 3RACHA will still produce together but he will do most of the work. And that’s good. Jisung will be very occupied with music production and won’t be able to think so much about anything else. Exactly what he needs. No thinking just working. 

But he will start with that tomorrow. Now he just wants to doze off until the others finish the dance practice. Maybe they will grab something to eat. Will Minho come back to the 3RACHA+Hyunjin dorm? That would be nice. Jisung doesn’t know how but he has the feeling that he might be haunted by nightmares tonight again. Maybe they won’t be so bad with Minho by his side? But the older can’t always sleep in his bed. He has his own home and his own room with his own things. Why would he even want to sleep by Jisung’s side? He sighs softly. Will he be able to endure everything?

/

Minho flops down into his bed sighing. He would prefer to be in Jisung’s bed but the younger hadn’t said anything and he doesn’t want  to be intrusive. So he lays here alone with his phone and a plan. He wants to find out what stay had filmed and posted about Jisung’s injury. There are probably great speculations about his condition and they won’t be solved til tomorrow. JYP will post an official statement about the incident tomorrow morning. 

Minho starts scrolling through social media. He immediately finds several clips of Jisung slipping and falling and how he himself came to help him. It’s weird to see the scene from another perspective. And it’s even weirder to read the captions. They are all worried but still smug about Minho and Jisung’s behavior towards each other. Yes, he can understand stay! And they are basically not wrong but… is Minho that obvious? Or is shipping the two of them just something their fans do out of fun? 

He continues scrolling and he comes across videos that he didn’t want to end up on the internet. Jisung and Minho were seen at the hospital in Chicago. The quality of the clip is really low but Jisung could be identified through his stage outfit. And then there is a video from the airport too with the crutches clearly visible. The comments are spammed with worries and speculations and wishes for Jisung to get better soon. And again both clips exist with captions questioning how intense their friendship really is. 

Minho wants to dive even deeper into social media to really find everything but his ringing phone stops him. It’s still early and Felix chills at the living room so Minho won’t be interrupted and picks up. 

“Hey.” Hyejin’s voice sounds through his phone. “Hi.” Minho answers. “What’s up?” “I saw a clip. Is Jisung alright?” Of course she saw that. “Ahh.” He sighs. “No, not really. He slipped and tore his anterior cruciate ligament. His surgery is next week and then he has to take a break for several months and recover.” “Fuck, that’s bad. How is he feeling?” She sounds really worried and Minho loves her for that. “Not good. Throughout the entire flight back yesterday he was completely out of it, still in shock and on painkillers. But when we arrived back home he showered and had a fucking break down. I hate to repeat that sentence but: I’ve never seen him like this before. And he seemed better today but I kind of expect him to just loose control at any second again. I don’t really know what I’m doing or what I should be doing.” “Ey man. Could he be some kind of magnet for bad things?” Minho laughs bitterly. “That would explain a lot.” They are silent for a few seconds until Minho speaks again. He just has to get these things off his chest. “Because he can’t dance he is leading the music production for the next comeback. And I really hope it will keep him occupied in a good way. Not that he stresses himself too much but that his mind has other things to do than spiral around all the bad stuff, cause there is a lot.” “Yes, hopefully. Please wish him all the best and a quick recovery from me.” “Okay, I will.” “Will you be able to stop by any time soon? Maybe bring Jisung along?” “Mhh. Possibly. We pushed the comeback a bit backwards so there should be some time to visit.” “Good, let us know when.” “Sure.” 

Because it’s getting a bit late and Hyejin has to finish a paper for class they end the call soon. It really did Minho good to call his friend. He’s really happy about the fact that she worries about Jisung too and obviously had accepted him as Minho’s… something. It’s relieving that at least Hyejin and Jiho know about his feelings for Jisung and don’t judge him for them. He himself feels guilty enough. But he just can’t stop it. Every time the younger looks at him, talks to him or touches him his heart skips at least one beat. And Jisung’s behavior isn’t exactly helpful for his hopeful crush, if you can still call it that with the dimensions it has taken on. If Minho didn’t know better he could think the younger is interested in him a little more than what is good for the two of them. But he knows better. Their friendship had always been a little different, a little more. They just have that kind of connection. And it’s only Minho’s sick mind interpreting more into it.

Minho should stop but he can’t.

Chapter Text

Alarmed.

Jisung tears open his eyes and stares up to the ceiling. His heart races inside his tight chest and before his inner eye he sees his face. How he looked at Jisung, the ugly little smile on his lips, the expression in his eyes. He wants to throw up. But he doesn’t. His fists clench, his nails dig painfully inside his palms while Jisung tries to get a grip on himself. 

It takes time. He doesn’t know what time it is when he is finally able to get up. Hyunjin is still asleep so he tries to be as quiet as possible with the crutches. He makes a detour to the bathroom before entering the kitchen. It’s still early, not even Chan is up. So he is alone. Not exactly what he wants. He gets some ice out of the freezer and then sits down on the couch. While propping up his leg on the couch table he puts ice on his knee. Then he leans back and closes his eyes agin. Damn. He wants to go to the gym. Is it okay for him to do upper body work outs? Jisung should have asked that. He will do that next time.

Damned to not be able to do something Jisung just sits there and waits for… he doesn’t even know. 

After some time Chan comes into the room and sits down beside the younger. “Morning Jisungie.” He opens his eyes. “Morning.” “Wanna eat something?” No, not really. “Okay.” They stand up together and go into the kitchen. Jisung sits on the counter while Chan cuts fruit and makes porridge. It’s relaxing. A bit later Hyunjin and Changbin join them. They have a small, chill breakfast while talking about the upcoming day. Chan and Binnie are going to work out while Hyunjin and the rest of DanceRacha want to meet to brainstorm new choreographies. Jisung doesn’t know what he will do. Write lyrics probably. 

It doesn’t take long until the members all left the dorm and Jisung is alone. He could head into the studio but he really doesn’t want to leave the dorm. It somehow seems dangerous to him. Leaving the house alone in his current, vulnerable state? Nah, better not. So he goes back to his room, sits down on his bed and spends the next few hours on a date with his notebook and his guitar. 

/

Jisung’s phone rings. 

Air fryer:

Are you home?

 

Hamster cheeks:

Yes

 

Air fryer:

I’ll be there in 30

 

That’s nice. Jisung was in some sort of trance for the last couple of hours. He lost himself in the melodies he played and the lyrics he wrote. It’s like a pull, drawing him in to a state he can’t accomplish doing anything else. It’s a bit addicting actually. His fingertips are sore and his back hurts a bit from sitting hunched over for so long. While he waits for Minho he scribbles the rest of his ideas down and memorizes some melodies. It’s the early afternoon when Minho arrives at the dorm and the two of them make themselves comfortable on the couch. He brought small containers with food for them. They eat while watching TV and Jisung relaxes a bit. He should sleep more.

The two of them spend the rest of the day together later joined by Felix and Jeongin. It’s nice and it’s a good distraction. 

/

The next days follow a similar pattern. Jisung stays inside distracting himself with making music while the others stop by regularly. His nightmares haunt him almost every night and his anxiety grows with everyday he gets nearer to the surgery. The only thing that gets better is his knee. It still feels like it would give out any moment but at least it doesn’t hurt so much anymore. But well after the surgery everything will be worse again so it doesn’t really matter. 

/

Jisung opens his eyes. Today is the day. His surgery. He had barely slept because his anxiety drove him insane. It’s still early but he will be picked up and brought to the hospital soon. He busies himself with taking a shower and reading through his lyrics again. The bag for the hospital he already packed yesterday but just to be sure he empties it and packs it again. 
He sits at the table with the rest of his dorm members when the other members arrive. Jisung tried to stop them but they were determined to see him right before the surgery. They are all tensed but try to hide it for Jisung‘s sake. It doesn’t work. Too soon their manager messages that he is here. The injured is pulled into tight hugs with every member. Minho is the last and mumbles a few words into his neck. “Everything is going to be alright. Message me when you’re done.” 

And then Jisung is out the door and inside the car. The older’s touch lingers on his skin and makes him feel hot. It’s a good distraction and he keeps his thoughts trained on it throughout the entire ride. When they arrive inside Jisung’s hospital room the manager says goodbye and the younger is left alone. His surgery is in the late afternoon but they wanted him to come this early to make sure everything is alright. The doctor and nurses talk him through the whole surgery and explain everything very clearly. It helps with his anxiety and he is not as afraid as before when the final preparations for the surgery start. He wears a thin hospital gown and is rolled on a bed through the busy hallways. Inside the operating room he is greeted by all of the nurses and assistants before they inject him with the anesthesia. It just takes him a few minutes to fall asleep.

/

Damn. Jisung’s head still spins. He woke up some time ago and was just brought back into his room. He just feels absolutely weird and can’t think. But he remembers what Minho told him.

Allrounder:

Linooooooooooo

Immmm awwake

 

Cat Father:

Yo

What’s up with you?

We’re coming 

 

Allrounder:

Daammmmmnn

Everythinn ss spininng

Roses arre red, vilolets are blue. I m halff dead and you’rre my resccue.

 

Cat Father:

Are you still on anesthesia?

Are you alone?

 

Allrounder:

Whatss thaat??

Noooo 

Theress a woman

 

Cat Father:

Did you just wake up?

Is that woman a nurse?

 

Allrounder:

Time ss relativeee!!!

She loooks likke murderrer 

 

Cat Father:

Why does she look like a murderer? 

 

Allrounder:

White gowwnn=dangerous

 

Cat Father:

That’s bullshit

She is a nurse

 

Allrounder:

Dang youu got mee 

Whhy are you sooo smaat?

And ggoood at everyting?

 

Cat Father:

What did they give you? 

Are you on drugs or smth?

 

Allrounder:

Aand goood lookin 

Soooo goood!

 

Cat Father:

Hold on

We will be right there

 

Allrounder:

For yooou Im gonna  do anyting !

Jisung looks at the door and tries to count the seconds until the others arrives. He fails obviously. He is at -294 when the door swings open. The nurse still inside his room greets them and talks to them for a second before they come to his bed. Jisung looks up to Minho who slightly spins. There is slight amusement displayed one the older’s face. “How are you doing Jisungie?” “Mhhhh, I think they did something with me. But I don’t remember.” He slurs the words pretty hard and the members can’t suppress their chuckles. “The nurse told us you’re still a bit confused from the anesthesia.” Chan says while stepping closer. “Huhh? Confused? Did you see the poem I send Lino? Call me Shakespeare!”

“What poem?” Changbin asks curiously. “Wait, wait, let me perform that!” Minho clears his throat and pushes out his chest dramatically. Then he reads Jisung’s text from his phone in an exaggerated voice. “Roses arre red, vilolets are blue. I m halff dead and you’rre my resccue!” He emphasizes every spelling mistake very clearly. While the older reads Jisung just nods proudly ignoring the giggling members. 

“I have another!!” The injured lifts his hand in Minho’s direction while looking at him. “Leaves turn gold, and skies turn gray, but thoughts of you, will turn me… uhm… ahh… stray!” Felix, Hyunjin and Changbin burst out laughing, Chan looks to the side, suffering, Seungmin and Jeongin seem confused, while Jisung has no idea what’s going on and Minho blushes slightly. 

“Why are you laughing?? That’s art!” Jisung gets a bit upset. “Sorry, sorry! I thought you’d say something else!” Changbin says still laughing. “It’s okay Jisungie!!” Felix tries to hide his grin while soothingly stoking Jisung’s hair. “Linooo, why are they mean to me?” Minho rubs his face and sends a death glare to the other members. “They’re just like that! You know them.” “Mh, yeah.” Jisung yawns and closes his eyes. “I’m tired.” 

The members stay until Jisung slowly starts to think straight again. It’s a bit late already too so they say goodbye soon. The injured looks after them longingly. He doesn’t want to stay here alone. It’s probably just until tomorrow. But now that his mind is clear again the sterilized hospital environment makes him itchy. After a short talk with a nurse who brought him dinner he is left alone to sleep. He struggles, of course. Even with his headphones on it takes him a few hours. 

/

Jisung is awake early. A nightmare woke him up. It was not the usual dream. This time he saw himself falling on stage over and over again until he can’t get up anymore and the members don’t help him stand anymore. His knee wasn’t there anymore. It was just a jelly like, hurting little something. It was horrible to see his career, dream and life crash down just like that. 

Sighing he grabs his notebook to distract himself. It works out fine until he gets his breakfast. In the afternoon he has a final meeting with his doctor. She checks his knee and he has to move his toes to confirm everything went right. The doctor is positive and explains his further steps. “You get a new brace for the first couple of weeks to wear during the day. For the night you get a lighter bandage. You’ll wear the bandage when you make further progress in your healing, too. Your physiological therapy will start next week when the swelling goes back. We have also painkillers for you. Take them when necessary but please don’t over use. Do you have any more questions?” “Yes, I can do normal upper body workouts?” “Sure, as long as you don’t feel any pain in your knee that should be fine. But about something like that you should talk to your therapist too.” Jisung nods. 

After a bit of small talk she says he is free to go and leaves. Jisung texts his manager to come pick him up. He is really tired. The atmosphere in the hospital just does this to him. And he really hopes he can manage to get some sleep back at home again. 

During the car ride he tells his manager everything the doctor said. He listens carefully and tells him afterwards what the management is up to. “We released a statement about your situation as you know. It was received with a great deal of care and a lot of questions about how you’re doing. So we thought it would be good if you could film some vlogs in the following weeks to keep stay updated. You could also participate in livestream from the other members or do them alone. And if you post something on Instagram or Bubble that would be good too.” Jisung listens quietly. This seems like a lot. But of course can’t he just disappear. He has to stay present.

They arrive at the dorm. When Jisung gets inside nobody’s there. He hadn’t told the others he was released just now. They would have come but he doesn’t want to interrupt what they are doing. They will find him once they get home, don’t they? To rest a bit he lays down on the couch and closes his eyes for a second.

/

“Jisungie?” Someone gently shakes him awake. “Mh?” He slowly opens his eyes and looks up into multiple faces. “What?” “Why didn’t you tell us that you were released?” Chan asks accusingly. “Oh.” Jisung closes his eyes again. “I didn’t want to bother you.” “You’re not bothering us!” Hyunjin exclaims with a stern expression. “Yes, I know.” “Why didn’t you tell us then?” Chan asks again. “It wasn’t that important.” Three pairs of doubtful eyes look at him. “You should text Minho. I think he is on his way to the hospital right now.” Changbin say with an amused glint in his eyes. Jisung opens his eyes again surprised. “Why would he do that?” “To visit you dumbass.” Hyunjin deadpans. “Oh.” “Yeah, oh.” Binnie mimics the younger. 

Jisung grunts. “Don’t tease me. I’m doing it.” 

Oblivious:

I’m home btw

 

Meowho:

You’re serious? 

I’m in front of the hospital 

 

Oblivious:

Sooorryy

 

Meowho:

Why didn’t you message me?

 

Oblivious:

Uhm

I forgot?

 

Meowho:

Liar

 

Oblivious:

sry

🥺

 

Meowho:

I’m coming to punch you

 

Oblivious:

Nooo

I’m begging you!

 

Meowho:

Beg in person

 

Oblivious:

You’re mean

 

Meowho:

Just cuz you’re stupid

 

Oblivious:

🥺

 

Jisung throws his phone into his bag. Then he lays back closing his eyes again. Damn. Maybe he shouldn’t have done that. “So what did he say?” Hyunjin sits down next to him. “He’s coming.” “Of course he is.” Changbin and Chan go into the kitchen to make something to eat. Jisung really is extremely tired so just a few minutes pass until he dozes off again. 

When he opens his eyes again Minho stands there leaned over him. “Hi.” He mumbles. “Oh, hello!” Oh. The older seems a bit mad. Jisung sits up, swinging his knee carefully over the edge of the couch. “Here, I brought you a warm croissant!” Minho shoves a paper bag into the younger’s hands. “Oh, thanks.” Jisung grabs inside it. His brain just works on autopilot, stating facts. “But it’s not warm.” Minho raises his eyebrows, triggered. “Oh, and guess why?!” He answers his own question. “Because I crossed half the city thinking you were still in the hospital!” “I’m sorry.” Jisung tries to suppress his yawn and pouts. “I didn’t want to bother you.” While looking up to the older he fidgets nervously with his hands. 

Minho deflates at this sight. How can he be mad when Jisung looks so cute? His eyes are a bit puffy and one of his cheeks has a pillow imprint on it. His head is slightly leaned sideways and he looks up to him with big puppy eyes. The older drops down between Jisung and Hyunjin. “You are not bothering me.” Minho says while intensely staring into the other’s eyes. “The only thing that’s bothering me is that I had to cross the entire city because you don’t talk to me.” Jisung nods guiltily. “I’m sorry.” “It’s alright. Now eat that, I bet you haven’t eaten anything tasty today.” 

Jisung quietly stuffs his mouth with the croissant watched by the older. Only when the whole thing is gone Minho looks appeased again. He slings his arm around the younger. “Okay. So what’s with your knee now?” “I have to spare it one week before the physio starts. And I have two new braces now. One for the day and the other for the night. And painkillers.” Minho hums while playing with the younger’s hair. “And how does it feel?” “Uhm.” Jisung wiggles with his toes. “Don’t know. Different? A bit stiff maybe.” “Okay. And how do you feel.” The younger grunts. “What’s with all the questions? Am I being interrogated?” “Yes, you are. Now answer.” “Yeah, yeah.” Honestly, Jisung doesn’t want to answer that question. “Tired.” “Go on.” “Exhausted.” “Go on.” The younger shoots him an annoyed look. “Come on. What do you wanna hear?” “The truth.” Minho deadpans. “That was the truth!” “Yeah, but not the entire truth.” 

Jisung is tired and exhausted and extremely trigged by the other. So he just snaps. “What? You wanna hear that I feel like shit and want to burry myself in my bed and sleep, but know I won’t be able to, so I just lay awake and busy myself with songs I currently can’t relate to because I don’t feel anything except tiredness and pain and misery and, and… I don’t know what… something bad!” The younger angrily glares at Minho. “Yes.” “Yes, what?!” “Yes, that’s what I want to hear.” “Why would you want to hear that?! Because it’s so nice to listen to my problems?!” “No, because it’s the truth.” Minho’s voice is calm and somehow this makes Jisung even angrier. “Wow, great! And what exactly is in it for you?” “Then I know how you’re feeling.” “And?! What’s the use in that?!” 

Hyunjin feels extremely out of place. He never witnessed Jisung and Minho fighting and he definitely doesn’t want to come in their way. He slowly stands up and goes into the kitchen trying not to draw any attention to him. But the two are way too occupied with each other to care about him. In the kitchen he joins Chan and Binnie quietly making dinner and trying not to listen to the conversation the others are having. Of course they fail.

”I want to know because then I can understand you better.” Jisung doesn’t know why he is so angry. He’s not angry at Minho, he’s just angry. And it’s actually really relieving to yell. All the pent up frustrated energy he hasn’t even realized is there comes out of him. And it’s probably unfair and unnecessary and he will regret it later. But he really doesn’t care right now. “And why would you even want that?!” “Because I care about you.” Minho’s voice is stern and his hands are placed on the other’s thighs. “And why? Why?!” “Is it so hard for you to think that somebody cares about you? That I care about you?” Jisung’s brain completely shut down and he only reacts out of reflex. “Yes!” He throws his arms into the air. “Then let me tell you this: I care about you, all the members care about you! And we want to know how you are feeling so we can help you. We already know you feel like shit because of your knee so you don’t have to pretend that it’s fine. Because it’s not. It’s fucking normal that you are down and don’t know what to do. And when you tell us what exactly you are feeling then we can maybe help. And even when we can’t help I think it makes you feel better to just talk about it.” “But…!” Jisung wants to object but Minho cuts him off. “I wasn’t finished. I know you don’t want to talk about your feelings because you think it makes you weak. That’s total bullshit. I know how strong you are. You’re the strongest person I fucking know.”

Jisung just shakes his head. All at once all his anger is gone and he’s just tired again. What the fuck were they even talking about? What a useless conversation. He stands up and grabs his crutches. “Where are you going?” “To sleep.” His voice sounds monotone, empty. “Oh, no! We will end this damn conversation!” Minho stands up too. “You can’t really call that a conversation. I yelled at you and you held me a speech. Great communication, really.” “God damn it, Jisung! At least I try to understand you!” “Oh yeah? But you don’t and you won’t because you can’t ever understand it. Because you didn’t experience it.” “Experienced what?!” “Everything!” They are both panting heavily while standing two meters apart and just staring at each other. 

“Just go.” Jisung turns. “But you can’t sleep.” Minho’s voice is quiet and resigned and helpless because he doesn’t fucking know what to do. “No. And you can’t do anything about it.” The younger leaves the room. Minho just stands there staring after him. What? What the fuck just happened? How did this conversation end up here? He is completely drained and just drops down on the couch again putting his face in his hands. Damn. Had he fucked up?

Minho hears someone coming in and stepping beside him. A hand comes down on his shoulder but he immediately flinches away from the touch. “Do you want to eat something?” Chan’s voice is way too kind and understanding. Minho can’t bear it. Abruptly he stands up and rushes to the door past Hyunjin and Changbin who look very shocked. “Wait, Minho!” Someone wants to grab his arm but Minho dodges. “No, leave me alone! I can’t right now!” He quickly puts on his shoes and is out the door the next second.

Chan, Hyunjin and Changbin are left speechless staring at two different doors. “What the hell.” “What did just happen?” “I’ve never seen them fight like this.” They just stand there for a moment and let the heard conversation sink in. “Okay, let’s eat and talk about that.” Chan says and the other two follow him to the dining table. “Should we get Jisung?” Hyunjin asks hesitantly. “Nah, better not approach him right now. I don’t think he wants to eat anyway.” Binnie stops him. 

“So, are we going to do something about this?” The blonde asks. “I really don’t think anything we do would make their situation better.” Chan answers while chewing some rice. “Yes, and honestly I didn’t even understand everything they talked about.” Changbin adds. “Me too. What did Jisung experience that Minho doesn’t understands?” Hyunjin’s wondering is stopped by Chan. “I think we shouldn’t interpret too much into this. They should sort things out by themselves. And when they need help they will talk to us. It probably would be very counter productive to meddle with things we don’t understand.” “Of course. But we should definitely do something to cheer Jisung up. Like Minho said: We know he feels like shit. And his healing process is going to take a while.” Changbin says while casting glances between the other two. “Yes, especially when Minho doesn’t do that now.” Hyunjin agrees. “I just hope they make up quickly.” 

They finish eating quietly and start making themselves ready for bed. Hyunjin carefully opens the door to his and Jisung’s bedroom. The younger lays there curled up with his face pressed into his pillow. He has his headphones on and Hyunjin sees his body shake. Fuck, he is crying. The blonde slowly approaches the other and sits down beside him. Carefully he starts stroking the other’s hair. 

It’s quiet for a while just interrupted by muffled sobs from Jisung. Hyunjin just continues to caress the younger’s head until he slowly calms down again. 

Jisung knows that it’s not Minho sitting beside him. He can feel it. But he still hopes. When he sits up he’s just disappointed to see Hyunjin. Of course it’s not Minho. The older is mad. Jisung yelled at him, insulted him and then send him away like he is some piece of crap. But Minho wasn’t the problem, Jisung was. He didn’t even wanted to do it, he just did. And now the older is gone and mad and will never talk to him again. He destroyed their friendship. He did everything wrong. It’s his fault.

Jisung wants to go back to crying. But he has to pull himself together. “Can you help me change my brace?” His voice sounds hoarse. “Of course.” Together they carefully remove the brace and put on the bandage over his wrapped knee. The bandage is more comfortable than the brace but also feels more unstable. It’s good that he only sleeps in it for now. “Thanks.” As soon as the bandage is on he lays back down. Jisung hears Hyunjin rummage through their room but just ignores him and puts his headphones back on.

This night is going to be long. 

Chapter Text

Blurry.

The next two week rush past Jisung in a blur. He basically barricades himself inside his room or the recording studio. The other members especially Felix, Hyunjin, Changbin and Chan try to cheer him up and to not leave him alone too much. But not Minho. They haven’t talked and just avoided each other constantly. And it’s fine for Jisung. It’s absolutely fine! Why wouldn’t it be?! Why wouldn’t he feel fine?! Isn’t fine when he barely gets two hours of sleep per night? Isn’t he fine when he can’t close his eyes for a second without seeing his worst nightmares? Isn’t he fine when he just survives by pills, iced americanos and energy bars? Isn’t he fine when he destroyed the friendship with his best friend? Isn’t he fine when he can’t fucking walk without crutches? Isn’t he fine when he just started physiotherapy and realized he can’t do shit anymore? Isn’t he fine when he starts to lose all hope to ever be able to dance again? Isn’t he fine? Why the fuck isn’t he fine?!

Jisung sits on his bed with paper sheets spread around him and his guitar on his lap. He already had physio today. It was really frustrating, he still can’t walk or put any pressure on his knee without feeling pain and like it would just give out at any moment. And then he fought his way back to the dorm with this damn crutches and buried himself in his lyrics. In between Changbin came by and brought him coffee. The older tried to chat a bit but Jisung hadn’t had any energy left. So the other left again. 

Jisung yawns. Should he add some sleeping pills to his pill collection? Nah, better not. The side effects would probably turn him crazy. Maybe crazy is better than whatever he is now? Is there a chance that Minho pays him attention again when he turns insane? Is it worth the try? 

He is ripped out of his fucked up thoughts by his ringing phone. 

 

Eomeoni:

We expect you at home on the next weekend. No excuses, we have matters to discuss.

 

Wow. And he really thought it couldn’t get any worse. 

Jisung has to close his eyes for a second to let the message sink in. Fucking hell. He has to go home. Exactly what he needs right now. He hadn’t seen his parents in what… three or four years? And now out of nowhere such a kind, explaining message inviting him to visit his lovely parents at home. What important matters do they have to discuss with him anyway? It’s not like they have anything to do with each other. And they were the ones who send him away and cancelled contact with him in the first place. Not that he didn’t want to leave, it was the exact opposite, but they initiated it.

Old memories from his childhood flood his mind. He always hated their big, cold house and tried to avoid being there if possible. His parents always found something to scold him for. He was never good enough and after some time he just stopped trying to get their recognition. Unfortunately he never really had any friends he could stay with. Actually he had been kind of a loser. Jisung doesn’t even know why. There just always was someone making fun of him for meaningless things. Being at school was bad but being at home was worse. So he often stayed late doing different clubs or just pretending to do his homework in the library. But then his class got a new music teacher and a few things changed. He was the only person making Jisung’s time a bit easier. After the teacher caught on to his talent for making music he tried to support him as good as possible. From time to time books about different types of music theory or learning to sing and rap appeared in his locker or on his desk. He also always walked the school grounds near Jisung so the other children couldn’t bully him. But the best part was that he started to leave the music room open. In there was a guitar and a piano and Jisung always sneaked in there when he wanted to be alone. Yes, he had a guitar at home too but he wasn’t comfortable playing there. He was caught in there multiple times but always found his way out of trouble. The teachers knew he was a mess and usually pitied him.

Jisung then started to record his own songs. He bought shitty microphones with his pocket money and built crappy beats on his laptop. His songs were very emotional. He expressed himself through music and processed his problems with his lyrics. And it really helped. It was practically the only good thing in his life and something he could always concentrate on. He still hated being at home and school was mostly bad but it was manageable. He could have survived if everything had stayed the same. But things never stay the same.

Jisung sighs heavily when he thinks back to his darkest hours right before graduation from secondary school. He had been drowning. And his music had reflected that. For some reason Jisung feels the itch to listen to his old songs again. He knows they probably sound terrible but he feels like he can relate to them again. So he slowly stands up and walks over to a cupboard with his crutches. He has to rummage through a few drawers until he finds his old laptop. It really is fucking old. 

Back on his bed he plugs it in and starts it. It takes very long. When he can finally log in comes to his desktop nostalgia hits him. All the crappy softwares and programs he produced his first beats with and all the files filled with finished and unfinished songs at one place. He clicks at one of the latest files. The laptop hums when it loads the mp3s. Titles like dark, lost, drowning and how not to be depressed? catch his eye. But he scrolls further down until he sees scarred. A song he vividly remembers because he wrote it about and while cutting himself open. When he clicks play the music hits him with full force.

The quality is really bad. Instrumentals are arranged poorly and there are annoying background noises in his recordings. His voice sounds so young and just so pained. Jisung sings and raps about desperately trying to gain back some control over his own body. About hurting himself and feeling kind of high for some time until it all crashes down onto him again. It’s a vicious circle he can’t seem to ever escape. 

He listens to every song in this file. It’s like going back in time and listening to his old self. Damn. But simultaneously he can perfectly relate to what he wrote all these years ago. He almost craves to to re-do them in better quality.

Why doesn’t Jisung just do it? He has nothing to do besides making music. He told Minho in their fight that he can’t relate to the songs he currently writes. And that’s true. Yes, he can emotionally imagine and understand what he should write or what‘s fitting but he can’t really relate to them. And these old songs just move something inside him. Is it weird that he can feel them so good just now? Fuck. That’s fucked up. But it feels right. And it’s a distraction but at the same time a reminder that he has to go home soon. 

Jisung grabs everything he needs and leaves the dorm. He takes a cab to the company so he doesn’t have to walk because it’s exhausting with the crutches and he still feels like somebody is watching him when he is out alone. When he arrives at the company he goes straight into one of the smaller studios. He knows the others having dance practice right now but he doesn’t want to cross their ways right now. Closing the door behind him he thinks for a second and then locks it. He doesn’t want anyone to come in right now. Jisung logs into the computer with the 3RACHA account and starts to build his old melodies and beats. It takes him a while and he has to listen to the songs over and over again until he has the exact same. While he starts to experiment with the instrumentals and the lyrics his phone rings. It’s a message from Felix but Jisung doesn’t want to be interrupted. He continues working ignoring all the messages he gets from the members. He just is in kind of a zone and time flies by too fast. It’s already getting pretty late and most of the staff probably already left the building. He should go but he doesn’t really want to. So he goes on for a bit. When he finally decides to leave he saves the audios he produced in a file and protects it with a password. The rest of 3RACHA should definitely not see this.

While exiting the company and taking a cab to return to the dorm he reads his messages. 

WAKEY WAKEY:

Hannie do you want to join us for coffee?

Are you alright?

?

 

Afraid of tissues:

We’re bringing Chinese takeout. What do you want? 

Are you even home?

?

 

Aussie 1:

Where are you? 

Why aren’t you answering?

Jisung

Where are you?

 

One missed call from WAKEY WAKEY.

Two missed calls from Aussie 1.

 

Shit. Maybe Jisung should have answered. He sighs deeply before typing out a message to the three of them.

Hoooly Mooly:

Sorry

I’m back home in 5 min

 

Jisung doesn’t get a response but he knows he will probably get scolded at home. Great. Another thing that had been missing to complete this shit day. He gets out of the cab and fights his way to the dorm. Before he gets in he stops and takes a deep breath. Fuck, he is so exhausted. The lack of sleep, physiotherapy in the morning, his mom’s message, the flashback to his childhood and working with his old songs just drained him. But he has to stay strong. He just has to endure the scolding and then he can go to bed. Maybe he could sleep a bit more tonight. Slowly he opens the door, enters the dorm and steps into the living area.

Jisung gets hit with a strong smell of Chinese food and the sight of the members sprawled over the couches. He hadn’t expected so many members to be there. He counts. Actually, just Minho is missing. Jisung stomach churns painfully. Why isn’t he here? 

All the members look at him with different kinds of expressions. Worried, troubled, confused and… annoyed, disappointed? Ugh, maybe he should have stayed away entirely. Could he sleep at the studio? Not sleep but at least spend the night? Well, he can’t go back now, can he? Jisung stops beside the couches and Chan slowly stands up. “Where were you Jisung?” His voice sounds neutral, not judgmental or anything but Jisung still feels like the other hates him. The pressure of his words and all the gazes lying heavily on him slowly trigger his anxiety. “At the studio.” Ah, why does his voice sound like that? So… weak and emotionless? The younger immediately sees Chan eyes soften. And he hates it. Jisung doesn’t want pity. He wants to sleep. …and he wants Minho back.

”Okay. Just please write back next time. We were really worried.” “Yes.” “Good.” Hyunjin stands up. “Sit down I’ll warm up your food.” Jisung doesn’t really want to eat or sit here or talk with anyone. But the others look so worried and expecting and he already let them down once today. So he sits down between Felix and Seungmin. 

Felix glances sideways at Jisung. He looks pale and has dark bags under his empty looking eyes. Felix grabs his phone and opens his chat with Minho.

Yongbokkie:

Jisung is here. He said he was at the studio.

He looks awful. 

I really think you should talk.

Minho reads the messages but doesn’t respond. Felix sighs softly. For the past two weeks the older was really weird. He often spent the entire day in the dance studio with his headphones on nearly dancing himself to death. It was a game with fire to talk to him because he was really tensed and could explode at any moment. And this all started that one night the older came home. It was really late and Minho was drenched in sweat. He seemed extremely frustrated, tired and angry. When Felix asked what’s wrong he just said nothing and went showering. Later Hyunjin told him about Minho’s and Jisung’s fight. Felix tried to talk to the older about it but he completely shut down. It was clear he didn’t want to talk about it. The blonde tried to talk to Jisung too but most of the time he seems like he wasn’t really there and not listening.

Jisung just seems extremely lost and none of the members really know how to approach him anymore. They tried so much. Bringing him food or coffee, inviting him to eat or to game or to do something together, visiting him during his writing sessions, accompanying him to physiotherapy, comforting him through touch and just sitting beside him. But Jisung just cut himself off further. It seems like he doesn’t know how to handle them approaching him. And it’s really sad. Felix hates to see the other like this. Because of that he started to update Minho about everything Jisung does. There is just no way they hate each other. It obvious how much they care about one anotherother. And it’s damn fucking much! Even a blind guy 50 meters away could see that. As soon as Felix told Minho that Jisung didn’t answered any of their texts the older went looking for him at the dorm and then at the company. They probably just misunderstood each other or something like this and are now thinking the other is mad at them. 

Felix thinks their fight is utterly useless and just hurts both of them. He gave hints to the both that they should just talk it out but he was ignored. It’s a tragedy. Maybe they should just lock Jisung and Minho in a room together and not let them leave until they made up. He will keep that in mind.

Hyunjin and Chan enter the living room again. Hyunjin places a large bowl with china noodles and vegetables into Jisung’s lap. The scent rises into his nose and makes him a bit hungry but at the same time nauseous. The other members put on a random movie and chat slightly. But Jisung just concentrates on eating. He really doesn’t want to but the others are watching him so he does his best. Eating slowly and only taking small bites he tries to finish the whole plate but fails. He puts the half full plate onto the couch table. Would it be okay to leave now? Probably yes but he doesn’t dare. So he stays fidgeting with his sleeves and staring at the TV. While waiting until he can leave one question keeps his mind occupied. It takes some time until he’s able to ask Felix.

“Uhm, where is Minho?” The blonde shoots him a knowing glance. “Probably at the other dorm or still at the company. He was actually looking for you.” Surprised Jisung looks up. “He was?” “Yes.” “Why?” “Because I told him you didn’t answer your phone.” “Why would you tell him that?” “Because he would want to know.” “Why would he want to know that?” “Because he cares about you.” “But he’s mad at me.” “I don’t think that.” “But he avoids me.” “Yes, but you avoid him too.” Jisung averts his gaze. “Yeah, because he is mad at me.” “Like I said, I don’t think so.” “But he has to be mad at me!” “Why?” “Because… we fought.” He really doesn’t want to go into any detail. “Just because you two fought it doesn’t mean he hates you now.” “Maybe.” “Do you hate him then?” Jisung looks shocked. “No! Of course not!” “Good, so why would he hate you?” “Because I did all the fighting and I yelled and I insulted him!” “Would you be mad if he tells you the things you said to him?” Damn, when did Felix become a fucking therapist? But Jisung actually thinks about it. Yes, he probably would be mad at first. But not for long. He can’t be mad at Minho for long. “Not for long.” “Exactly.” “But it’s Minho.” “Yes, and that’s just another reason. He can’t be fucking mad at you.” “Of course he can!” “No, did you remember any time he stayed mad at you longer than a few hours?” “No.” Jisung sighs. Everything Felix says sounds logical. Still, out of some reason it doesn’t feel right to him. And he is just so fucking tired. He doesn’t want to think about this anymore. 

Jisung stands up and starts walking towards the bathroom. “Good night.” He mumbles into the group and then he’s gone. Felix looks after him a bit startled. That was out of a sudden. The rest of the members finish the movie before splitting up. Felix, Seungmin and Jeongin leave the building and walk through the night to their own dorm. When they enter the flat they immediately spot Minho. He pushed the couches to the side to make room to dance. With his headphones on he dances his soul to District 9. He doesn’t notice the others until they cross the room and come into his view. Then the older stops and pulls his headphones off. “So Jisung is alright?” Felix feels like chuckling and rolling his eyes at the same time. “More or less. He’s at home at least.” “What do you mean with that?” A bead of sweat rolls down Minho’s forehead. “He looks like shit.” Seungmin states while heading to his room. “Yeah, of course he looks like shit. He has a fucked up knee.” The older answers while masking his concern. Fucking hell. This is going to break him soon. He wanted to be patient and give Jisung time to calm down and forgive Minho for over stepping.

But he wasn’t known for being the most patient guy. How long could he could he endure it to stay away from Jisung? He doesn’t want to be intrusive. But maybe the younger doesn’t need any more time? Is Felix right? He tried to push him into talking to Jisung several times. Maybe he really should talk to him. He will see about that. But for now he just needs a fucking shower. Minho says goodbye to the other members and makes himself ready for bed. He actually has an important shooting tomorrow. A big perfume brand booked him for an advertisement. Shit, he completely forgot about that. Luckily it’s at noon so he doesn’t have to get up too early. 

/

Minho enters the makeup room and greets the staff while sitting down. The stylists finish his makeup and hair quickly. They chose a dark blue suit with white details and a white dress shirt for him to emphasize his light skin and dark hair. His hair is straightened and falls down over his dark outlined eyes onto his cheekbones. He really looks damn good. They begin with the shooting. From various angles he has to pose and walk towards a hovering bottle of perfume that will be edited in later. It’s a relaxed atmosphere and Minho feels comfortable because he only has to look calm and serious. If he had to smile the job would be a lot more difficult. The shoot takes relatively long because they film the spot and do a foto shoot with several different outfits afterwards.  It’s draining but manageable. 

When Minho is finally finished he changes and heads directly to company. DanceRacha wants to meet with their choreograph to talk about choreographies, surprise. 3RACHA already chose some songs for the new album and they started to gather some ideas for the choreos. Of course they couldn’t finish any dances until a concept was determined but they start to get a feeling for them to make the process easier. The versions of the songs the dancers are working with are only the raw versions with Jisung, Chan and Changbin singing too.

/

Jisung sighs and closes the files where he saves the remakes of his old songs. He already worked on his own songs and some songs for the new album and he also talked with his manager if it is fine to fly to Malaysia this weekend. It’s fine but only if he is accompanied by one of their bodyguards. But he isn’t finished for today. Chan and Binnie will be here soon to brainstorm about a concept for the album and discuss some songs. It is about time they determine a concept so the stylists can start their work and the music video directors could start to collect ideas. Jisung has a pretty good idea for it but he hasn’t talked about it with anyone. How will the others react? Maybe his idea wasn’t as good as he thought. 

His thoughts are interrupted by the rest of 3RACHA entering the studio. “Hey Hannie. We brought you coffee.” Chan places an iced americano in front of Jisung. “Hello.” He answers quietly. What happened yesterday still occupies his mind. Why does he do everything wrong these days? Shit. He pushes these thought away. 

“Okay, let’s talk about the concept.” Chan starts their session. “Yes, so I have a good idea I think.” Jisung starts. Yeah, he’s fucked up inside but making music is still his life and he can’t not be passionate. “What if we make the entire comeback about contrasts? Because contrasts are everywhere. Between Stray Kids and the rest of the world, between us members and within ourselves. And we can integrate it perfectly into our music and choreographies but also visually in our looks and music videos. Unfortunately we have to rewrite some parts of a few songs I think.” The others seem to think about it for a moment before they answer. “Damn, I think that’s a really good idea!” Changbin nods. “Yes. It’s very versatile and we can easily put our personal stamp on it.” Chan looks like he already thinks every little detail through. “How did you come up with this?” The leader asks. “I thought about it when I wrote LIGHTandDARK actually.” “But that was weeks ago!” Binnie exclaims. “Yes, I had to think it through first. I also rewrote most of the songs we wanted to be on the album already.” 

They spend the next hours brainstorming, rewriting and composing songs while perfectly complementing each other. It’s a really intense and productive but also exhausting session. They have so many new ideas and suggestions keeping their brains constantly occupied. And for the first time in weeks Jisung doesn’t feel completely like shit. Yes, he is exhausted and tired and frustrated and anxious and afraid but there is satisfaction too. Satisfaction about his work. Both Chan and Changbin praised him and immediately accepted his ideas and added their own ones. It feels extremely nice to know what he is doing is worthy. 

/

It’s nearly midnight when they leave the studio and walk through the company. Well, Chan and Binnie walk and Jisung limps behind them with his crutches. They turn a corner and pass the dance studios when a door suddenly opens. Minho comes out. Oh shit. Jisung’s breath hitches. The older wears loose fitting grey sweatpants and a tight, black tank top. The shirt emphasizes his muscled chest, shoulders and arms. Jisung nearly drools. Had he been working out more lately? Minho’s hair sticks to his sweaty forehead and the dark makeup around his eyes is slightly smudged. Their gazes collide for a split second and the younger has to hold his breath. Then Jisung has to look away. Minho’s presence alone does things to him he can’t handle in his current state and his gaze is just too much for the younger. Jisung’s skin tingles and his heartbeat quickens. Fuck, why does Minho have to look this hot? They barely saw each other for just two weeks and this is how the other looks now? Maybe they should do that more often. Nah, better not. Jisung wouldn’t survive that. The separation and the meeting.

“Hey, Minho! Working late?” Chan wants to sling his arms around Minho’s shoulders but then sees how sweaty he is and just pats it instead. “Yeah, but you too.” “Yes, we finally have a concept for the album!” Changbin says and steps to the dancers other side. Jisung stays inconspicuously behind them. He’s glad that he doesn’t have to talk right now. He just concentrates on walking and trying not to fall behind too far. “We will make everything about contrasts!” Chan adds. Minho hums appreciatively. “That could be pretty good. It gives us a wide range for the choreographies.” “Exactly, it’s really diverse and fits perfectly into our style.” Binnie says happily. “How did you come up with it?” Minho asks. “Oh, it was Jisungie’s idea actually!” The three of them turn to look at Jisung. He fell back a little because they unconsciously fasted their steps. Immediately the younger notices that they feel guilty about letting him fall behind. He doesn’t really cares. The following silence while the Hyungs wait for him to catch up is really awkward. “Mh yes, it’s my idea.” Jisung says while avoiding to look at Minho at all.

He now walks between Chan and Minho. The younger feels his side turned to Minho getting warmer than the rest of his body. “It’s a really good idea.” Minho says neutrally while looking straight ahead. “Thanks.” Jisung answers carefully. Why does it feel so strange? Why do they have to be like this? Jisung wants to throw himself into Minho’s arms but instead they can’t even talk like normal people! And it’s Jisung’s fault! He destroyed everything. Can he ever look Minho in the eyes again? Probably not.

Luckily they soon exit the building and wait for their cab. “I’m going to walk.” A cold shiver runs down Jisung’s spine. Oh. Minho is going to walk. He really hates Jisung. Fuck. The younger bites down onto his lip.

”Are you sure? It’s late.” “Yes, I just want to get some fresh air.” “Okay, but take my jacket.” Chan hands over his jacket to Minho. It’s a painful sight to see the older accept it and then walking away from Jisung. Fuck. He feels like crying again. 

Minho takes a deep breath of cool air. Chills run over his still sweaty body but he doesn’t put on Chan’s jacket. He needs that right now to ground himself. The meeting with Jisung was completely unexpected and threw Minho entirely off course. Just the sight of him made his thoughts go crazy. He really doesn’t look good. His cheeks are slightly sunken in, he has dark bags under his eyes and his shoulders are slouched. He radiates tiredness and exhaustion. And still… Minho had to force his gaze away from the younger with great power and barely contained control over his own body. He wanted to pull Jisung into his arms so bad and never let him leave again. It nearly killed him to walk right beside the younger and not touch or at least look at him. Minho hadn’t realized how fucking much he had missed the younger. And he was sure he won’t be able to pull himself together any longer while staying beside Jisung. So he left. 

But what the fuck? He should be apologizing to the younger and he should make sure that he can feel as best as possible in the current situation! But instead he has to leave because his self control is so weak that he fears he will throw himself at Jisung any second! What the actual fuck!? Why can’t they be normal again? Why can’t they go back to being best friends?

…but when Minho is honest with himself he knows that that is not what he truly wants. He doesn’t want to go back to just being friends with Jisung. Minho is greedy. He wants more. So much more. He wants Jisung. And only Jisung. He wants him to be his. And only his. 

And it’s not fucking possible! How long will he still be able to suppress his feelings? Minho knows it won’t take long until he finally breaks. And it’s terrifying and he’s fucking afraid of it but at the same time it’s a moment he awaits with longing. He can only imagine how it will feel to finally get rid of the all the pressure that has been holding him down all the time. It will shortly be a relief until Jisung answers. It could have two endings but one is much more likely. Minho is sure the younger doesn’t feel the same way. He told himself that over all the years they have know each other. And he believes it. Of course he fucking believes it! Otherwise he would lie in Jisung’s bed hugging him to death right now! 

But he isn’t. 

Ah, god damn it! Minho feels like dancing his soul out and forgetting all his thoughts again.

Chapter Text

Calm.

Minho slowly mixes ingredients inside a bowl together. While calmly and peacefully making the dough his mind is running like crazy. He is mentally preparing himself for meeting Jisung. They have to finally talk. This can’t continue like this. In the morning Felix told him something that finally shook him back to his senses. They ate breakfast together and the blonde asked him if he visits home tomorrow. He said he hadn’t planned to and why he had asked. And then Felix dropped the bomb. Apparently Jisung is flying to Malaysia tomorrow to visit his parents. And everyone knew. Well, everyone except of Minho. And how the fuck was that even possible? Whatever happened between them has to stop! Jisung had enough time to think the fight through. For two and a half weeks they barely saw each other and just drowned themself in work to not think about each other. And that’s bullshit. For fucks sake, the other members told them nearly every day to pull their shit together and grew more and more annoyed with time.

But that ends now. Minho is making rice cakes and will go over to Jisung to make up. And they will make up. Minho would do nearly everything. He’s just so desperate to get the other back. He has reached his limit. 

Minho closes the box he put the rice cakes in and takes one last deep breath before he gets going. The walk to the other dorm calms his thoughts and he doesn’t feel as nervous as before when he enters the other dorm. Hyunjin, Felix and Chan sit on the couch but look up when they hear him. “Hey.” Minho says. “Hi. Didn’t expected you here.” Chan says surprised. “Yeah, I actually want to talk with Jisung.” He doesn’t get the reactions he had expected. Something like: Finally!, Took you long enough! or I was starting to turn grey! But the other three just exchange a worried look. Then Hyunjin finally decides to speak. “Maybe right now is not the right time. He had a panic attack and made it clear he doesn’t want anyone to be near him.” 

Fuck. Minho has to hold himself back to not run to Jisung’s room immediately. He has to handle this calmly. Closing his eyes for a second he inhales deeply. The thought what this panic attack might be about turns him nauseous.

“Did he say what it was about?”

“No.” Felix shakes his head.

“Okay.” Minho rubs his face before starting to head to Jisung’s room.

“Minho, I really don’t think that’s a good idea.” Chan says.

He stops. “I know, it’s probably not. But I can’t let him go home without talking to him.” Not when he doesn’t know what happened between Jisung and his parents and what his panic attacks are about. Not when he can’t be sure Jisung will return safely. 

Minho walks to Jisung’s room. Before entering he knocks softly but doesn’t wait for a response. The room is dim lidded because the curtains are shut and the light is out. Minho’s gaze falls onto Jisung’s bed. The younger lays curled up under his blanket his face pressed into his pillow. “Go away.” His voice is quiet, muffled by the pillow, weak and extremely exhausted.

“Hey Sungie.” Minho closes the door behind him and carefully steps closer to the other’s bed.

Jisung hears Minho’s voice but doesn’t understand it. Carefully to not be disappointed once again he lifts his head. He looks. He sees Minho. He blinks. He still sees Minho.

“What?” He rasps out.

“Hey. It’s me.” Minho slowly sits down in front of Jisung’s bed to be at his eye level. They just look at each other silently. How can Jisung look worse every time they see each other? Pale skin with red blotches from crying, dark bags under his eyes, sunken in cheeks and a hollow expression in his eyes. He blinks slowly, lethargically. 

They continue to stare at each other. There is a weird tension between them. Relieve, expectation and attraction. But there are so many unspoken things too. Things they should definitely talk about. But they don’t because their minds are blank. Wiped blank by each other. It’s been too long.

“Can you hug me?” Jisung whispers into the silence. Never in his life would Minho refuse that.

“Of course, baby.” Minho slowly gets up and slides into bed beside Jisung. Then he wraps his arms around the younger and pulls him to his chest. Jisung sneaks his arms around the older too and places his hands on his back while he buries his nose in the other’s shirt. It feels like his first real breath of air after being under water for weeks. It feels like he is finally complete after being separated from a part of himself for too long. Jisung holds onto Minho tighter. The older lets his hands wander over Jisung’s back and starts caressing his hair. The younger sighs softly. Minho’s touch slowly soothes away the rest of his panic attack and all the other bad emotions he feels,leaving him in a state of bliss. They stay like that for a long time. It’s like filling up their batteries with new energy. They absorb each other’s touch and proximity. 

It’s enough. Minho could stay like this forever. They could just block out the entire world and never go out again. 

But they can’t.

Gently Minho pulls the younger from his chest to be able to look him in the eyes. The older’s hands are placed on the other’s shoulders. Both of their heads lay on the pillow directly beside each other. Jisung feels the older’s breath on his face, his lips. He can’t help but slightly lean closer to Minho. Their breath mix. Minho knows he wanted to say something, wanted to finally have an urgent and needed conversation. But he completely forgets when he sees the younger’s face again. Jisung’s eyes are half lidded, on his cheeks lays a soft blush and his slip are slightly parted. Jisung’s warm breath tickles over Minho’s skin. Their eyes are locked into each other. Minho unconsciously moves a bit closer. Jisung’s gulps, his throat bobs. There are just inches in between them. Some sort of power pulls them together like magnets.

Minho can’t stand it anymore. He is weak and the pull too strong. He closes his eyes and leans forward. Their lips brush together gently. Jisung’s breath hitches. He doesn’t dare to move afraid of ending this moment. But it doesn’t end. Their lips stay connected unmoving while they breathe each other’s air. Minho feels like he is in heaven. They never were this close before. But he wants more, he is greedy. 

Minho’s tongue flicks out and he licks over the younger lips.

“Baby.”, His voice is hoarse, deep and firm against the younger’s mouth.

“Kiss me.” Jisung squirms and a shudder runs down his spine. He can’t think about it, just follows Minho’s lead and presses their mouths together again and starts moving his lips. The older’s hands move to the nape of his neck and his cheek pulling the younger even closer. Jisung sighs and places his hands on Minho’s firm chest while pressing the rest of his body against him too. But it doesn’t feel nearly close enough. His hands wander to the older’s back again and slip under his shirt. He can feel Minho slightly shiver under his touch. Jisung can’t suppress his small smile. But the older won’t let that sit on him. He lick over the younger’s mouth again more insistently this time. A soft gasp escapes Jisung and Minho immediately seizes his chance and slides his tongue into his mouth. He groans when their tongues glide against each other. They move their mouths together until both of them are breathless.

The younger pulls back slightly to breathe but leans into Minho right again. The older licks into Jisung’s mouth over and over again and lets a hand move to the other’s waist. They continue to kiss each other and just shortly stop to breathe. There are never more that a few inches in between them. They aren’t able to not touch the other, they just sink into each other further. The moment has to last as long as possible for them to treasure forever. Minho doesn’t even realize what’s happening. That he kisses Jisung. That Jisung kisses him back. It’s feels so surreal but at the same time like the only real and the only right thing in the world. It’s naturally. And Minho won’t be able to live without it.

Time flies by too fast. The daylight behind the curtains slowly disappears and the dark of the night settles over them. 

Minho moves back a little. Jisung’s lips shine with spit, his eyes are glossy and his cheeks are flushed. He had never looked more beautiful.

“Minho.” Jisung whispers. “Don’t go. Stay here.”

Minho’s heart leaps inside his chest. “I’m not going anywhere.” Minho presses a short kiss to Jisung’s forehead before pulling him to his chest and wrapping all his limps around him. The younger nuzzles into his chest. Both of them close their eyes bathing in each other’s touch. But they stay awake. Jisung doesn’t dare to let himself drift into sleep. He’s afraid what his dreams might show him. Afraid of the moment he wakes up and Minho might be gone. Afraid of standing up only to travel to Malaysia. He sighs.

“You can’t sleep lately.” It’s not a question so the younger doesn’t answers. “Is it the same reason why you have panic attacks?” Minho’s voice is quiet and serious. But the fact that he talks into Jisung’s hair while drawing circles onto his skin, makes him seem softer.

“Yeah.”

“Does it have to do with your parents?”

He pauses. “It’s something else. But… they made it worse. They make everything worse.” His voice is barely more than a whisper.

“Are you going to return safely?”

Jisung can’t answer that. “I don’t know.” A heavy silence settles over them.

“Promise me that you will come back if anything happens. Or call me at least then I can come and get you.”

The younger exhales. “I promise.”

“Okay.” Minho sighs a bit relieved. For some time they are silent again, just listening to their breaths and heartbeats. 

“You should sleep, you’ll need the energy.”

Jisung nods, the older is right. But… “I’m afraid.” He whispers.

Minho hugs him even tighter and presses a long kiss to his temple. “It’s okay to be afraid. But you don’t have to. I’ll wake you up when you have a nightmare. Okay?” Jisung hums and nods gently.

“Good. Sleep well, Baby.”

While Minho caresses the other’s head he tries to stay awake. He doesn’t want to sleep. He wants to watch over the other and if it means he won’t ever sleep again. But Jisung’s deep, steady breaths, his proximity and his warmth slowly lull him into darkness too.

/

A gentle hand glides through Jisung’s hair and steadily pulls him out of his sleep. He is still pressed against Minho with his head tucked under the older’s chin.

“You have to get going soon, Sungie.” He hums unpleased. Why does he have to get up? He doesn’t have anything other to do than songwriting. They could just stay here all day.

“Your flight.” Flight? Which flight…? Jisung opens his eyes abruptly, pulls away from Minho and sits up.

“Fuck…” He buries his face in his hands.

The sheets beside him rustle when Minho sits up too. “It’s just a weekend.” The older puts his hands on his shoulder and gently massages them.

“Come on let’s get ready.” Minho pulls him into a short hug before standing up and opening the younger’s closet. Jisung watches his back while he rummages through the closet. Minho still wears the same clothes as yesterday. He slept in jeans. Wasn’t that uncomfortable? Jisung inhales sharply when the older stretches making his back muscles clearly visible through his tight shirt. Damn. Jisung just can’t take his eyes off him. His movements are so smooth, radiating confidence. Like Minho belonged here. Belonged right fucking here picking out clothes for Jisung to wear when meeting his parents. And yes. Minho belongs here. Right here and to him. The younger is so fucking grateful that he is here. He is sure he wouldn’t be able to get up if he was alone or to fall asleep yesterday in the first place. Yesterday…

Oh. Something dawns on him. They kissed. Oh, shit. Jisung’s stomach does a weird churn and warmth spreads all over his skin. They kissed. Oh my god.

Minho turns around with a stack of clothes in his hands. Jisung holds his breath and can’t stop his eyes from staring at the older lips. Rosy, plump lips with the upper one slightly fuller than the lower. Jisung still vividly remembers how they kissed him senseless mere hours ago. He swallows. Minho comes closer and drops the clothes onto the bed before stepping in front of the younger. He just steps between Jisung’s thighs like it’s nothing and brings his hands up to his face. While gently stoking the younger’s cheek with one hand he runs his fingers through his hair with the other. Jisung instinctively leans into the touch and almost closes his eyes out of reflex. But he stops himself. He doesn’t want to look away from Minho’s face. The older, normally serious and inscrutable, looks down to Jisung with a warm, soft expression. His dark brown eyes are light up with different emotions which the younger can’t identify, spilled with each blink through his long lashes. He has milky, porcelain skin and defined facial features. High cheekbones and a strong jawline that would make anyone speechless. 

Minho is fucking mesmerizing. And they kissed. Why would such a heavenly creature kiss Jisung? Jisung who barely survives most of the time, who drowns himself to feel nothing and who tortures himself to feel something? He was such a mess. And they are best friends. Band mates. Men. How could they kiss? How could it feel so good? What is going to happen now? What the hell is supposed to happen now?

”We kissed.” Jisung whispers. His voice is unsure, insecure, vulnerable, wondering and surprised. He just can’t believe it.

”Yes. We kissed.” Minho’s voice is quiet, too, but sounds in contrast to the younger’s sure and neutral. Like he was just stating facts. And that calms Jisung down drastically. The way the older acts so collected and unshaken. Like it was perfectly normal for them to kiss. Like it was no big deal. Like they did it for a hundred times already. It’s soothing.

Minho gently strokes his thumb over Jisung’s lower lip. “We’ll have to talk about this, talk about everything.”

Jisung nods entranced, his lips slightly part. All he can concentrate on is Minho’s thumb playing with his lip, squishing it, pulling it, entering his mouth just a little. Fuck. He wants to suck on that thumb so bad. How would it feel if the older presses down onto his tongue? If he forces him to open his mouth further? If he praises him while coating his fingers in Jisung’s spit? But he can’t move. It doesn’t matter how bad he wants the older to do more, to do things he never done before, to do him. He is scared. Scared of Minho’s reaction. Scared of how things would continue. But mostly he is scared of himself. Scared of his feelings towards Minho, his reactions to the older and what would happen with him if he gives into them.

Minho looks down onto Jisung. His face is flushed with a beautiful shade of red. His eyes are half lidded and glossy. The expression in them hazy, captivated as he blinks up to Minho. His plush pouty lips are parted, loosely wrapped around the older thumb. He can’t tear his gaze away. The sight makes his mind go crazy. What would Jisung look like sucking on his fingers? How would his tongue feel like while sliding over them? And… how would the younger look with his lips wrapped around something else? How would his tongue feel on his dick? His mouth wrapped around him, head bobbing, throat clenching? 

Fuck. They can’t go down that road. At least right now. 

To not let Jisung see his slowly growing arousal Minho leans down and presses a quick kiss to the younger’s forehead. “We should get dressed.” Then he turns to search some clothes for himself. 

Jisung is frozen for a few second. He really thought Minho would kiss him for real again. But he didn’t. And that somehow disappoints him terribly but is also very relieving in a weird way. He shakes his head to clear his thoughts and starts to put on the clothes Minho picked out. They quietly dress themselves. Jisung wears a loose, bright jeans with a black belt and a white dress shirt. He puts on a bit of jewelry too, not to flex just to look decent in his parent’s eyes. The older picked out the perfect mix of formal and casual. Minho himself just puts on sweatpants and a loose shirt. Before going to the bathroom they change Jisung’s brace together. When they enter the living area there are immediately three pair of eyes trained on them. Hyunjin, Chan and Changbin sit at the dining table and watch them come closer with curious eyes. 

“Please tell me you’ve made up.” Changbin says while looking back and forth between them.

Jisung thinks about it. Have they made up? They haven’t really talked.

But Minho demonstrative places his hand on the small of Jisung’s back. “We did.”

Jisung shivers. Okay. Apparently, they have made up. 

“Thank god! I’m not sleeping on the couch again because of you fuckers!” Hyunjin shoots them an angry look.

“You slept on the couch?” Jisung asks surprised.

“Obviously! Or did I come to our room to sleep?”

Mh. Jisung honestly wouldn’t have known if he did. “But why didn’t you come?” Not that Jisung would have wanted that.

“Because Chan told me to.”

“I thought it would be better to not interrupt you two.” Chan says while raising his eyebrows at them questionably.

“Yeah, it was better.” Minho says without hesitation while pulling out a chair for Jisung to sit on.

How could he be so composed and always in control of himself? Jisung himself desperately hopes nobody sees the blush that’s creeping on his face. But of course the others notice it. Jisung doesn’t know what they think but he sees the smirks on their faces and the amused glances send his way. 

Jisung can’t meet their eyes. He just grabs a glass of water to busy himself. Luckily the others don’t pry further and just go on with eating breakfast. While they eat Jisung just continues to take small sips of his water while staring down onto the table. He can’t eat anything. Every second that passes his arriving in Malaysia and the meeting with his parents gets closer. And then there is this situation with Minho too. There is just too much on his mind, too much to think about. Everything is just too much for him to handle. It’s too much!

Jisung is torn out of his thoughts by a hand that soothingly squeezes his shoulder. “Sungie, I relly think you should something, at least a bite. I don’t want you to go on an empty stomach.”

Jisung looks up into Minho’s face but has to avert his gaze immediately again. The worried expression on his face is too much too. Slowly he shakes his head. He feels the eyes glued to him, burning holes into his skin.

“Okay, but let me make you a smoothie at least. You don’t have to drink it now, you can take it to the plane if you want. Alright?”

Jisung thinks about it for a second. That sounds fair. “Okay.” 

“Good.” Minho stands up and goes into the kitchen.

Jisung looks after him and makes a quick decision. “I’m just gonna help him.” He mumbles out and stands up too following Minho.

Inside the kitchen Jisung tries to hop onto the counter with his good leg. He fails, surprise. Minho notices his struggles immediately and comes to his rescue. He steps in front of him and wraps his hands around Jisung’s waist to lift him up and places him on top of the counter. Damn. Jisung swallows the saliva gathering in his mouth. His waist tingles where the older touched him. His strong, big hands can almost completely wrap around his waist. And he lifts his weight so easily, like it’s nothing. That was just way too hot. Oh my god!

Oh shit. Minho had known Jisung’s waist was small, it’s obvious. But holy shit. He never wrapped his hands around it like this. It’s just so tiny. His hands itch and he desperately wants to touch the younger again. He quickly steps away from Jisung and starts to prepare the smoothie. While he puts everything inside the blender he is overly aware of Jisung’s eyes starring onto his hands. The younger was clearly affected from this too. And Minho loves that. 

He tries to make the smoothie with as much calories as possible to assure Jisung gets enough energy for the day. Minho is sure the younger won’t eat much in the following days. At least not voluntarily. So he fills the smoothie inside a bottle and puts it in a bag with a few energy bars and nuts. He quickly makes his way back to Jisung’s room to grab the rice cakes he made but forgot to mention yesterday.

“What’s that?” Jisung asks while taking small sips of the smoothie.

“Oh, I made you rice cakes yesterday to apologize. But I totally forgot.” Minho puts the box inside the bag too and then looks up to the younger.

Jisung looks surprised. “You don’t have to do something like that.”

“Maybe not. But I want to.” Minho zips up the bag and steps in front of Jisung again. “Come on, I think you have to get ready.”

The younger sighs but nods resigned. But the sigh gets stuck inside his throat when Minho places his hands around his waist again. He lifts him down but his hands linger on the smaller body a bit longer than necessary before he steps back. Minho grabs the bag with the food and the glass the younger dank from before following Jisung back to the dining table. The younger sits down again leaning his crutches against the table before checking his phone. “I’ll get picked up in 10 minutes.”

“Okay, I get your things then.” Minho exits the room again leaving the other four behind. Jisung slowly continues to drink the smoothie with small swallows. 

“It’s been a long time since you visited your parents, hasn’t it?” Chan asks conversationally.

“Yes. We were all really busy I guess.”

“But it’s good to see them then.” Changbin says.

Jisung just doesn’t have the energy to lie. “I don’t think so. But I’ll see about that.”

“You don’t get along with them?” Hyunjin asks carefully.

“Nope.” Jisung sounds so bitter it hurts.

“But… you never talked about them.” Chan’s expression seems a bit sad.

“There really isn’t so much to talk about.” Is that true? Jisung doesn’t know. 

Minho comes back with Jisung’s bag in hand and sets it down beside the table. Jisung somehow feels relieve wash over him. Minho steps behind him and places his hands onto his shoulder. Jisung leans his head back against the older’s chest and closes his eyes. Fuck, everyone. He just wants to enjoy his last minutes with Minho. Don’t judge him he’s desperate. 

While Jisung takes his last breaths in peace Minho soothingly massages his shoulders. He had’t realized he was so tensed. It’s good and Jisung can relaxe a bit. But it doesn’t last long. Just a few minutes pass and then his phone rings. “Guess I have to go.”

They all stand up and Jisung is pulled into hugs from Hyunjin, Changbin and Chan. He wants to say goodbye to Minho too but the older stops him. “I’ll bring you to the car.”

The two of them exit the dorm and leave the building. In front of the car stands the security guard that will accompany Jisung. It’s one of their regulars and they know he’s really reliable. To know Jisung won’t be traveling alone soothes Minho’s nerves a bit. 

They greet each other warmly and put Jisung’s stuff away. Before he gets inside the car Minho pulls him into a tight hug.

“Remember what I told you.”, He mumbles into the younger’s neck. “Come back if anything is wrong and call me anytime you feel like it. I’ll be in Gimpo but always available for you. Okay?”

Jisung nods weakly. “Yeah. Thank you.” He whispers.

Anything anytime. Minho thinks but doesn’t dare to say. It’s too soon for that.

With a heavy heart he watches Jisung get inside the car and drive away. That feels absolutely wrong. He wants to run after the fucking car and throw himself in front of it if it means Jisung doesn’t have to leave. It’s too soon. There is too much unspoken between them. Minho doesn’t know enough about Jisung’s past to categorize the visit in Malaysia. Is it dangerous? And if it is, physically or mentally? And the younger already is vulnerable with his fucked up knee. And the worst part is: Minho isn’t sure that Jisung would tell him if something is wrong. Yes, the younger promised to come back or call but Minho knows Jisung thinks about himself differently. He just has such a low self esteem and doesn’t realize how much others care about him. How much Minho cares about him.

Fuck.

Minho turns around and goes back into the dorm again. The other three members sit at the table again, obviously waiting for him. And Minho understands that. They are curious and have questions. But he doesn’t know if he can handle that right now. He just wants to cuddle with his cats. But Minho sits down beside them anyway.

“Just ask.” His voice sounds resigned, frustrated and exhausted. That’s very unusual.

“We all know this can’t go on like this.” Chan says. “Of course I don’t want to intrude his privacy but his health gets worse each day. So Minho, what’s going on with him?”

Minho sighs and rests his head in his hands. “I don’t know honestly. We haven’t really talked about anything important. He just implied some things. And I’m sorry guys but I won’t tell you that. I won’t spill his secrets especially when I don’t know the whole truth myself. We all are too close for something like that to happen.”

The other members nod, disappointed but understanding.

“Okay.”, Chan says. “But you know you can come to us, right? You have to come to us if you need help.”

“Yes.” He always says the same and Minho knows he is right. But in the end Minho usually doesn’t come to him. He himself doesn’t know why. Should do it this time? Maybe. But not know. 

Minho stands up. “I’m driving to Gimpo.”