Work Text:
“You have got to be shitting me right now.”
Frankly, Shouto didn't understand what Katsuki was on about. It was only a matter of time, really, before he brought out The Board™. He should have gotten used to the pattern by now.
“Whatever do you mean, Katsuki?” he chirped, tone lighter than usual, in part because of all the drinks he'd downed. He had to crane his neck over The Board™ to be able to look at the ground and avoid tripping on anything.
“You know damn well what I mean.” Katsuki growled, clearly unamused, and sipped his iced tea. To this day, he refused to drink anything with an alcohol content above zero unless it was a special day. Shouto had to respect that.
Kirishima patted his thigh gently with a mischievous smile. “Don't disrespect The Board™ like that, babe. The Board™ never lies.”
“Stop saying “trademark” out loud!” Katsuki snapped. “It's just a creepy theorist corkboard!”
Shouto shot him an extremely offended and outraged look. The Board™ was not “just a corkboard”. It would do Katsuki good to put some respect on its name.
Ashido chose that moment to join the conversation, a wide Cheshire grin plastered across her face. “Aww, is our wittle twenty-four year old toddler fussy because it's way past his bedtime?”
“I will kill everyone you love.” Katsuki promised, somewhat halfheartedly. The lack of bite in his tone indicated a general exhaustion that was common after the clock struck 11PM.
Shouto looked at his best friend in amusement. Katsuki was not built for late night hangouts, yet he kept coming to them regardless, even despite his loud insistence that he “fucking hated them” and was just getting dragged along by Kirishima (blatantly untrue, as evidenced by the fact that Kirishima told Shouto directly that his boyfriend was lying through his teeth every time he said that). Shouto couldn't say he didn't understand him. Thankfully, the buzz of the alcohol was helping to mask the fact that his own social battery had long run out and he was purely “going off of vibes”, as Hanta would say.
Shouto watched as Katsuki pointedly ignored Ashido's cheeky comment of “No you won't! Eiji’s part of that list and you know it!” and instead busied himself with fiddling with some of the red yarn on The Board™, twirling a strand around the pin that held a picture of Jirou and Kaminari's neighboring agencies in place and linking it with the pinned picture of their whole class from their previous hangout a month and a half ago, cropped to only show Jirou, Kaminari and Yaomomo, all huddled up together and smiling for the camera.
Tenya raised his fingers up to his face, seeming to consider pinching the bridge of his nose for a second before giving up halfway. Ochako clapped her hands together excitedly, jostling Izuku, whose arm was linked with hers, out of a drunken daze.
“Ooh, this is my favorite part of the night!” she squealed. Her cheeks had been bright red for the past two hours from all the alcohol she'd consumed, but she looked completely fine in the sobriety department. “What'll it be today, Shouto?”
“But… Kaminari and Jirou have already left.” Tenya pointed out, slightly confused. “Only a couple of minutes ago.”
“Yeah.” Izuku half-slurred, eyeing his half-full glass of vodka cola dubiously as if deciding whether it would be a good idea to finish it. “Wouldn't you want to do this when everyone is present?”
Shouto felt a grin build up on his face. From the way Izuku’s eyes lit up with something akin to fear, he could infer that he looked a little manic.
“I'm glad you asked.” he propped The Board™ against the wall using the nail Hanta had purposefully hammered there for that occasion.
“You serious right now, cariño?” Hanta asked, a fond look of disbelief crossing his face as he looked through The Board™’s contents, likely piecing together what he was about to suggest.
Shouto put his hands firmly on his handsome fiancé’s shoulders, squeezing lightly. “Hanta, I have never been more serious in my entire life.”
Hanta glanced to their mutual friends, his smile turning slightly awkward in what Shouto was pretty sure was an affectionate way. “He's serious.”
“He's fucking delusional, that's what he is.” Katsuki snapped crossly. Rude. Shouto hadn't even told them The Board™’s newest theory yet.
“High praise from Great Delusion Murder God Denialmight.” Izuku jeered, not a single ounce of fear on his face. Either the alcohol emboldened him, or having taught high schoolers for almost two years now got him to realize he actually didn't value living as much as he thought he did. Shouto couldn't be sure. They seemed equally probable.
Katsuki's palms sparked, a dangerous yet strangely playful look in his eyes. “You wanna say that to my face, nerd?!”
“A second time?” Izuku returned Katsuki’s look, suddenly itching for a spat. “You might need to replace your hearing aids, Kacchan.”
“Oooooooooh, the girls are fightinggggggg!!” Ashido leaned forward, grinning.
Next to the pink-skinned girl, Kirishima sighed at his boyfriend in fond exasperation, but made no move to actually stop him from standing up and physically fighting Izuku right in front of Shouto’s new mahogany table. Tenya, meanwhile, looked as though he was having a crisis in real time as he seemed to be wondering whether it was his place to break up the fight or not, seeing as they were in Shouto's abode. Old habits die hard, Shouto supposed.
“800¥ says Deku gets him to blast the table.” he heard Ochako whisper to Ashido cheekily, leaning over the aforementioned table to pull the remaining appetizers farther away from the fighting in case her prophecy came true.
“Uraraka!” Tenya hissed, robotically chopping the air in the “nervous stim” kind of way. Occasionally, Shouto feared their hangouts were giving him more gray hairs than actual hero work.
“Everyone!” Shouto yelled over the commotion (well, “yell” was an overstatement; he just sort of raised his voice a little more than usual), huffing in mild annoyance. “Pay attention! We are losing the plot!”
The unusual slang phrase seemed to do the trick. Katsuki tore his eyes away from Izuku, still using his non-sparking hand to press the green-haired man’s face firmly into the ground until his freckled cheek squished against it, to look at Shouto funny.
“You're spending too much time with Tape-Arms.” the blonde grunted, relenting and walking back to where he'd been seated prior. Izuku dusted himself off as if nothing had happened and sat back in his seat.
“And I plan to spend even more.” Shouto took a moment to smile gently at his fiancé, raising the hand where his engagement ring sat and wiggling the fingers. Hanta returned the look easily, eyes crinkling. He even blushed a little, which had become rarer and rarer the more comfortable the two had gotten around each other. That was a sight to behold. Shouto would cherish it.
“You've been affianced for a week. Gross.” Katsuki rolled his eyes and fake-gagged, but the look of disgust didn't frame his face for long, because Kirishima chose that exact moment to pull him into a headlock-nuzzle and mumble something in his ear that Shouto was pretty sure sounded an awful lot like “Why don't we get engaged, hm?”. Katsuki nuzzled back without a moment’s hesitation, blushing furiously. ‘Hypocrite.’
Ashido groaned tiredly at both of the displays, throwing her head back and melting into the beanbag she was sitting on.
“I’m sick of being surrounded by couples when I don’t have someone to be lovey-dovey with!” she raised her head back up and turned to look at Tenya. “Wanna hook up, Iida?” she joked.
Tenya sighed deeply and took a large swig of his (previously almost completely full) glass of sangria.
“Alright, Shouto!” Kirishima redirected the attention back to The Board™, arm still looped around Katsuki's neck. “What forbidden knowledge are you willing to share with us?”
Shouto shook his head seriously. “Not me. The Board™ works independently.”
“Shut the fuck up about the damn board and just talk normally.” Katsuki groaned.
Shouto ignored him. He fixed all of his friends with a very serious look, clearing his throat to get their attention. He was silent for a while in an attempt to build suspense, which definitely worked on Ashido and Ochako. After a few seconds (he imagined a drum roll in his brain until he thought an appropriate amount of time had passed), he finally spoke.
“Kaminari, Jirou and Yaomomo are in a relationship.” he stated confidently.
Everyone's eyes were suddenly on him, making him feel the typical shuddering sensation that came with being stared at. Silence filled the room for several seconds, broken only by Ashido sipping her drink unnecessarily loud, eyebrows slowly raising until they disappeared behind her hairline. Through the corner of his eye, he had the pleasure of seeing Ochako’s lips slowly morph into a giddy grin.
“Okay, Icy-Hot.” Katsuki drawled finally, tone heavy like a tired parent. “Lay off the saké.”
“Don’t listen to him. He doesn't know what he's talking about. Do tell me more.” Ochako interjected quickly, trained eyes scanning the pictures on The Board™ while ignoring the several daggers Katsuki was stabbing into her face with his glare. Thank the heavens. At least one person present in this gathering was on the same wavelength as him. Even if it was probably because it was vindicating for Ochako to finally be talking about the love life of someone other than herself for a change.
“But… Momo’s a lesbian.” Kirishima mumbled, mostly to himself but also partly towards Ashido. “Isn't she?”
“Yeah, but I wanna see where he's going with this.” Ashido replied, barely contained excitement threatening to bubble out. She looked back at Shouto. “Are you headcanoning Momo as bi or something? ‘Cuz that's crazy work, Shou.”
“Not exactly-”
“What the fuck is a headcanon.” Katsuki snapped, brows furrowed. Kirishima visibly stifled a giggle.
“It's something you imagine someone being or doing, preferably someone who isn't real.” Hanta explained lazily, shaking the remaining droplets of his drink into his open mouth. “For example, pretty sure most of your fans headcanon you as some sort of “bratty twink with a slutty waist”.” he did air-quotes to emphasize his point.
Katsuki wrinkled his face in distaste and discomfort at that, expression clearly saying “I could have gone my whole life without knowing that”, but it only lasted a split second before he spoke.
“I prefer my original interpretation.” Katsuki turned to glare at Ashido again. “The only headcanon I give a shit about is me putting your head in a cannon.”
“Yeah, whatever you say, babe.” Ashido waved him off breezily, ignoring Katsuki like it was the most natural thing in the world to her. “Spill, Ice Spice. I’m tired of being verbally edged here.”
Tenya groan-whined, taking another sip of his quickly emptying drink.
“I believe I’m going to have to be tipsier for this.” he sighed tiredly.
“Firstly,” Shouto stood to the side of The Board™ like he was giving a presentation. “I have reason to believe the three of them are in a polycule, where both Kaminari and Yaomomo are dating Jirou but not each other.”
“Hm, alright, that sounds much more plausible.” Ashido nodded, linking her fingers together. “What’s your argument?”
“Once again, I'm glad you asked.” Shouto smiled, now feeling a little manic. He pulled out a pointing stick from the cabinet drawer next to him, ignoring Katsuki's grumbled “For fuck's sake.”, and directed it towards the picture of Jirou and Kaminari's agencies. “To start, the obvious: their hero agencies are right next to each other.”
“Oh my god, their hero agencies are right next to each other.” Hanta muttered to Ashido and Kirishima, making them snicker. Shouto thought the way in which he said it was familiar, but he couldn’t quite place it. Maybe a reference to something.
“Old news!” Ochako laughed heartily, taking the last piece of mochi from its plate and popping it into her mouth. “That’s like when people say two cartoon characters are in love because they’re in the same frame! You’re gonna have to try harder than that.”
“That is not the same, Chako.” Ashido chuckled. “But I do agree it’s not enough proof. It doesn’t even bring Momo into the mix.”
“Oh, but it does.” Shouto almost cackled, sliding the pointing stick down to a post-it note right next to the picture of the agencies, which had a rather sizable amount of tallies scribbled on it. “Behold.”
“What’s that for?” Kirishima asked.
“The amount of times I’ve seen Yaomomo go in and out of either agency in the past month or so.” Shouto announced proudly.
“So you’re stalking them.” Katsuki deadpanned.
“It’s not stalking if I just happened to be around.” Shouto explained. He wasn’t lying; he really had happened to be around for all of those instances. He was committed, but not that committed.
Katsuki very clearly did not believe him. “That ain’t flying in court for even a second.”
“Kats, be nice.” Kirishima chided lightly. “Shouto’s very honest about these things. I’m sure he’s telling the truth.”
“I haven’t even gotten to the best part!” Shouto said, tone almost gleeful. “Whenever I saw Yaomomo go in, she was always carrying something! And it was always either wrapped like a gift or shaped like a bento box!”
“And how do you know that's for them?” Hanta challenged, raising an eyebrow.
“How many other people can Yaomomo know in either of the agencies?” Shouto sighed in exasperation, furrowing his brows a little. “Come on, my love. Take this seriously.”
“Shouto has a point.” Ochako piped up, shrugging slightly.
“Still not proof enough, though. Friends give each other gifts and food all the time.” Ashido smirked. Shouto started to feel as though she was insisting on more proof for gossip purposes rather than to be convinced The Board™ was correct. If anything, she definitely seemed the most on board out of everyone in the room, with the way her smile widened every time he shared The Board™’s findings.
Shouto whacked the cropped picture of the class with more force than necessary.
“Have you not noticed how when we go out for drinks in our class hangouts the three of them almost always go in the same direction?” he nearly hissed out. “We leave at the crack of dawn sometimes! What could they possibly be doing, if not going back to the same house?!”
“They're roommates, dumbass.” Katsuki sighed. “Of course they're going back to the same house.”
“They are?” Shouto blinked. Oh my god. That made so much sense. How did he not know this? He needed to add this information to The Board™ as soon as possible. “You realize how that helps my point, right?”
“Close friends share apartments all the time. It cuts down on costs.”
“Yaomomo is rich! Why would she have an apartment, much less need to share it with people??”
“Yeah, but she’s too fucking nice for her own good. She probably offered to be their sugar mommy or whatever with her rich kid money.”
Kirishima bit back a laugh as he murmured in his boyfriend’s ear. “Katsuki, I don’t think you know what that means-”
Tenya cleared his throat. Shouto and Katsuki turned to look at him, the former intrigued and the latter visibly annoyed.
“If I may, Jirou explicitly said that they aren't together, did they not?” he inquired, unsure. “There is technically nothing that disproves their relationship with Yaoyorozu, but that should be viable proof that Kaminari isn’t involved, no?”
“And you believe them?” Shouto asked incredulously.
“Well, yes…?” the blue-haired man tapped his fingers together, statement coming out almost like a question. “Why wouldn't I? She has no reason to lie about these things.”
“Did you not see how she giggled and leaned into Yaomomo's side?” Shouto pressed desperately, aggressively pointing at the cropped class 1-A picture. “You sat right in front of them!”
“…I did not.” Tenya admitted almost shamefully, bowing his head a little. Ochako snickered at the display, cheeks puffed out.
“Hon, how do you remember this down to where each person sat…?” Hanta chuckled, his tone exasperated but amused.
“How do you not, Hanta?” Shouto wheezed. “You were the one who asked them!”
“I don't tend to hyperfocus on my friends' body language, Roki.”
“That's ableist.” Shouto chided, shaking his head melodramatically. “You're being ableist to me, your autistic fiancé of one week. For shame.”
“What-” now it was Hanta’s turn to wheeze, face contorted in surprised amusement. Whatever he was about to say next was cut off by Katsuki.
“If you ask me, you idiots are reading way too much into this bullshit.” the blonde grunted. “They're obviously just fucking friends. You didn't even need the confirmation, just a working pair of eyes. Pack up the corkboard, Half-N’-Half.”
Shouto completely disregarded his statement. So did everyone else, in fact. They were all familiar with how painfully oblivious Katsuki could be when it came to romantic affairs, or feelings in general. He'd gotten a lot better in the past eight years, but still. Romance was the one thing that continued to completely go over his head. He was worse at it than Shouto himself, and that was saying a lot.
“Kacchan…” Izuku began carefully, with a teasing edge to his tone. “Y'know you're not exactly the authority when it comes to whether two people harbor romantic feelings for each other, right?”
“Fuck's that supposed to mean?” Katsuki narrowed his eyes.
“He's saying you're oblivious, babe.” Kirishima translated, smiling roguishly.
“Fuck you, you're oblivious!” Katsuki snapped immediately, getting up and slamming his hands on the table so suddenly the entire thing shook. Izuku didn't even react, looking to be stifling amused laughter. “You're one to talk, with your fuckin’- thing with… Round-Cheeks!”
“H-huh?!” Izuku stammered, equal parts amused, surprised and extremely flustered. “B-but weren't you the one who told me to- huh????”
Ochako roared with laughter in a way she only did when she was completely hammered, and it wasn't long before Ashido, Kirishima and Hanta joined in. Even Tenya looked to be stifling a smile, hiding his mouth behind his hand.
Shouto himself also very badly wanted to laugh at how genuinely unsure Katsuki sounded about his accusation, like he was just throwing darts at a board and seeing if they stuck - a theory proven right by the triumphant glint in his eye when Izuku had reacted the way he did. He managed to fight back the urge and keep a straight face; he feared he'd lose it completely if he didn't.
“What the hell are you all laughing at?!” Katsuki snarled, baring his teeth. Everyone just laughed harder.
“C-can we just get back to the topic at hand…?” Ochako asked amidst giggles, struggling to breathe.
“Yes.” Shouto agreed, wiping the amusement off his own face at speeds that were probably surprising to anyone else. “I need supporters. How many of you are in agreement?”
“Cariño, you know I love your silly endeavors and I hate to agree with Katsuki, but…” Hanta paused, pressing his palms together. “This time I think you're reaching a little.”
“Yeah.” Kirishima added hesitantly. “If Denki was here, he'd totally make a joke about you being Elastigirl or something.”
“I'm reaching?” Shouto parroted in disbelief, blinking. They were siding with Katsuki now? Notorious for being bad at feelings?? “If anything, I'm not going far enough with this. I wish I would have documented these behaviors sooner. Then you'd have to believe me.”
In the most inconspicuous way he could manage, he looked to Izuku. He assumed he did a pretty poor job of being discreet, because everyone else gave him a “don’t drag the poor high school teacher into this, he's already got too much on his plate” sort of look.
“Wh-what?” Izuku stuttered, flushing a bright shade of red. “I don't have that with me right now!”
“But you have it?!” Katsuki asked, flabbergasted and maybe a little horrified.
“What?!” Izuku repeated, now more defensive than anything. “Yeah, I had a couple notebooks for Quirk info and two other secret ones for relationships of note! That's normal! I'm normal!”
Ashido grinned so widely that it looked physically painful to Shouto. Meanwhile, Tenya took off his glasses to put his head in his hands and Ochako patted her green-haired maybe-boyfriend's arm lightly, looking at him in a particular way. Shouto recognized it as eerily similar to the look of warm affection Kirishima constantly gave Katsuki. How sweet.
“That’s it, we're leaving. C'mon, Ei.” Katsuki got up suddenly. Ashido pulled him back down by his arm without even looking his way. He only glared at her a little.
“Like hell you are.” she huffed. “We've barely discussed the topic. Stop trying to pussy out just because you found out Midoriya’s a freak for like the twentieth time.”
“Thirty-third.” Katsuki grumbled under this breath, yet he made no move to leave regardless.
Shouto smiled. He could always count on Ashido to direct everyone's attention to what actually mattered. Izuku's information documentation habits were old news.
“You may not have the notebooks with you, but surely you remember at least some of what you wrote down?” Shouto insisted, nudging Izuku lightly.
Like the flip of a switch, the plain-looking man straightened up on his seat a little, stare vacant, a million thoughts running through his head at the same time. Perhaps not quickly enough, he tried to hide the sparkle in his eyes and slouched back down again, twiddling his thumbs.
“…W-well-” he began, but Ochako cut him off.
“Please don’t try to lie, Zuku.” she sighed playfully. “You know you’re really bad at it.”
“Yeah, only Kats would fall for that.” Kirishima added, smirking. Katsuki narrowed his eyes at him.
Izuku sighed. Finally, he grabbed his glass of vodka cola and chugged what remained, slamming the glass on the table like he was getting wasted at a bar. He took a deep breath, let it out, then took another one.
“Alright, so there was this one time in our first month of class where-”
What followed was a far too detailed, incredibly long period of fast-paced mumbles, excited gibberish, and frantic movements spanning nearly forty-five minutes - Shouto would know; he timed it on his phone. Shouto didn’t doubt for even a second that at least eighty percent of what his eccentric friend was saying was written down on his notebooks word for word. The longer it went on, the more uncomfortable he noticed Katsuki getting, grabbing Kirishima’s bicep a little tighter every minute that elapsed until the redhead had hardened his arm and the blonde was practically death-gripping it. Meanwhile, Ochako was looking more endeared by the second, resting her cheek on her hand to look at Izuku while he rambled.
“…And yeah, like Shouto said, in the hangout where this picture was taken-” Izuku pointed at The Board™ at breakneck speeds, speaking almost as quickly as he moved. “Jirou did deny that she and Kaminari were together, but she seemed sort of oddly amused by the question? If that makes sense? And Kaminari didn’t react negatively at this supposed rejection at all, which is weird, because we all know he’s had a crush on Jirou for years-”
“He what-” Katsuki interjected, now confused on top of being visibly horrified, but Kirishima silenced him with a finger to his lips, nodding enthusiastically for Izuku to continue (as if Izuku was ever planning to stop speaking in the first place).
“-and if they weren’t in fact together, I think it’d be pretty obvious on Kaminari’s face, y’know? He wears his heart on his sleeve most of the time; it’s not like him to successfully hide disappointment, and Ashido tends to notice these things almost immediately, but she didn’t have to comfort him or anything. Right, Ashido?”
“Right.” Ashido said quickly, grinning brightly from ear to ear and leaning over the table so much she could practically lay her entire torso on it.
“And Jirou did lean on Yaoyorozu after saying that, and I noticed she got pretty red. At the time I thought it was just the alcohol, but I was also like “She drinks in moderation and holds her alcohol pretty well, there’s no way that was the alcohol!”, so then I thought maybe Yaoyorozu was interested in her? But then I kinda stopped thinking about that because I got… d-distracted. By something else.” he finished lamely, a flush rising to his cheeks. Ochako blushed as well. Shouto was still not very good at taking hints, but he was an empath, so he could tell something had happened there.
Distantly, Shouto thought he heard Katsuki mumble “This is hell. I have died again, and I am in hell now.”, but it could have just been the wind.
Izuku ignored Katsuki’s theoretical comment, launching into another sentence faster than he could breathe deep enough to get through it. “Well, my memory is a little… faded after this, so-” Izuku’s flush turned into a deep crimson shade. Shouto wasn’t sure if it was because of any implications or because of the lack of air. “-th-there’s not much more I can add to the situation, but-”
Izuku stopped speaking so suddenly that if he was a car, all of his passengers would have been launched through the windshield at mach speeds and splattered against the asphalt.
“…Huh.” he hummed after a few seconds, face alight with realization. “I, um… I think saying all that out loud after not thinking about it seriously for years kinda made me… get it? I get Shouto’s point now, I think. He might be onto something.”
“Well, shit, you’ve convinced me.” Hanta shrugged, smiling easily. Despite his lax demeanor, he looked a little startled at all the information Izuku had shared in such a comparatively short period of time. “If Midoriya can get this into a theory, it’ll probably turn out to be true. I’m puttin’ money on this. Metaphorically.”
“I'm doing that literally.” Ochako said gleefully, only half-joking. “2000¥ on Kaminari blurting it out randomly the next time the whole class is together because he can't keep it to himself anymore.”
“10000¥ on Kyouka telling everyone before he can do that.” Hanta countered, apparently unable to resist.
“Oh, you're on.” Ochako grinned ferociously.
“From the twenty-odd words I could get from that ramble, I’m pretty damn convinced too, man!” Kirishima added, cackling heartily. “I didn’t know you had this much info on them! D’you have anything on Katsuki and I?”
“I still fear for my life enough that I’m not willing to answer that question.” Izuku forced a laugh, sending a slightly fearful look towards a dead-eyed Katsuki. Thankfully for the green-haired man, the blonde looked to be experiencing what it was like to have a stroke without actually having one.
“Midori, you’re a fucking machine.” Ashido whispered, vibrating with pure, unfiltered excitement. Her black scleras were reflecting the light as if she was teary-eyed.
Shouto nodded solemnly in agreement. If only Izuku decided to officially join him in The Board™’s conspiracies. He pretended to wipe a fake tear from his eye, only to find a real one already forming there. Absolute cinema.
“Absolute cinema.” he choked out out loud, giving Izuku a slow standing ovation. He gauged everyone’s reactions, relishing in Katsuki’s absolutely flabbergasted expression for only a second before continuing. “Does anyone else have anything to add?”
“Honestly, genuinely, what is wrong with the both of you.” Katsuki asked, eyes wide. There wasn’t a hint of sarcasm or gruffness in his tone. He was dead serious, trying to mask his fear while Kirishima desperately tried to pass off his giggles as awkward coughs.
Ashido snorted under her breath. “I think you broke him, Midoriya.” she whispered to Izuku, who smiled triumphantly and maybe a little unsettlingly.
“Anything relevant, Katsuki.” Shouto rephrased, in the same tone Aizawa used to ask if they had any questions about the material they were going over.
Tenya’s arm shot up straight in the air as if he was still a student, going in line with Shouto's previous metaphor. He had been silent the whole time, deep in thought and concentration so he could keep up with Izuku’s mumbling. Shouto gestured at him to speak.
“I don't understand…” Tenya piped up awkwardly, looking confused. “Why… why would she… lie about it…? How does it help her…?”
“Because it’s funny, Iida.” Ashido explained matter-of-factly.
“But it’s… disingenuous.” Tenya insisted weakly, frowning. “And she has no reason to do it.”
“I think fucking with friends is a pretty good reason to lie for fun.” Hanta snickered.
“…Alright,” it was clearly not alright, judging by the furrow of Tenya’s brow and his clearly bothered look, but he’d given up anyway. “I suppose I believe you now.”
Shouto’s face was quickly overcome with a goofy smile. In one swift movement, he grabbed his short green-haired best friend from under his arms like a cat, making him yelp in surprise, and enveloped him in a tight hug, nuzzling into his neck affectionately.
“Thank you, Izuku.” he said seriously. “I am indebted to you.”
Izuku reciprocated, shakily but with just as much genuinity, pressing his cheek on Shouto's forehead. Funny. Why was Izuku's cheek so much warmer than the rest of his body?
“Uhhhhhhhhhhh, n-n-no problem!” he squeaked, voice several octaves higher than usual. Ochako snickered, somewhat like a little forest critter, and when Shouto put his best friend back down and turned to face Hanta, he also looked amused, smiling.
“What?” Shouto asked, tilting his head.
“Nothing.” his financé’s smile only widened. Well, the teasing smile was suspicious, but he said it was nothing, so it was probably nothing.
“Now that we’ve all come to an agreement, I have a proposition.” Ochako chirped. “Can we go back to the “Izuku having a bunch of scary notebooks with relationship info” thing? I really want to know what he has on Kirishima and Bakugou.”
“No we cannot.” Katsuki snarled dangerously, eyes narrowed. Kirishima squeezed his hand with a small smile and the blonde squeezed back twice, features softening just enough that a close friend such as Shouto would be able to tell.
“You know what? Sure.” Izuku sighed, massaging his forehead for only a second before leaning forward on the table like a businessman at a meeting. “I think Shouto just drained the fear out of me. His hugs are like crack. Do you want me to start before or after Kamino?”
Kirishima grinned widely, all his shark teeth on display. Ochako turned to look at Izuku in a way that made it seem like she wanted to hear him ramble more than she wanted to hear what he was rambling about. Tenya poured himself another glass of sangria, completely full to the brim. Hanta smirked, staring cheekily at Katsuki. Ashido squealed at frequencies that could only be heard by small mammals. Katsuki’s palms audibly crackled.
Shouto chose to sit back and enjoy the chaos, relaxing into Hanta’s embrace as his fiancé played with his hair. The Board™ had done it again. All he could hope for now was that this wasn’t yet the day he’d have to hide a homicide from the press. Great Explosion Murder God Dynamight had already gone down enough ranks.
[…]
“Don’t laugh.” Kyouka hissed, jack plugged into the wall, even though her amusement was blatant on her face and she was clearly fighting to heed her own words.
Denki was trying. He was trying really, really hard. But it wasn’t easy when Shouto had sounded so earnest and desperate about his newest theory. He hoped Momo would have as much of a field day with this as he and Kyouka did when they inevitably recount the night's events to her.
It wasn’t comfortable or fun, carefully pressing himself against the front door of Shouto's incredibly lavish house for nearly two hours for the express purpose of eavesdropping on his crack theory about his and Kyouka’s relationship(s), but man had it been worth it. Almost worth it enough that he could ignore the fact that he’d been dating his lovely beautiful amazing partner for over three months and no one but Momo was allowed to know how whipped he was for her yet. Preposterous!
“Can we tell them about it next hangout, honeybunch?” he whined, moving away from the door to attempt puppy-dog eyes. “I need the world to know how much I love youuuuuu!”
Kyouka pressed a finger to his lips, blushing a pretty shade of red. “Well, I need you to know you definitely had way too much to drink tonight.” they smirked. “Also, “honeybunch” is out of the question. Never call me that again.”
Denki huffed, pulling out his phone to send his roommate - and girlfriend's girlfriend - a “wher r uuuuuuuuuuuuu” text. He huffed under his breath when it was only delivered.
“Is Momo coming soon?” he asked, shuddering. “It’s cooooold!”
“Our apartment’s ten minutes away by car, Jamming-whey. I called Momo like three minutes ago.” Kyouka sighed. “Also, stop complaining. This was your idea.”
Denki let out a loud, dramatic sigh for only a split second before Kyouka smacked her entire hand over his mouth, smiling widely.
“Oh my god, wait, Ochako managed to convince Midoriya to talk about his info on Eijirou and Katsuki!” she whispered.
Denki immediately pressed his ear to the door again, barely managing not to make a loud thumping noise when his cheek collided with the wooden surface. Unfortunately, it wasn’t long before Katsuki’s outraged voice began to drown out Midoriya’s rambles. The familiar sound of an explosion rang from within, followed by wild laughter and Iida's fussing.
“Shut the fuck up, you green-haired piece of shit!” Katsuki snarled. He sounded insanely flustered. “I’m done! Fuck all of you!”
“Sorry!” Eijirou managed in between giggles, sounding like he was being dragged away from the group and closer to the front door. “We had a great time! See you whenever!”
“Wouldn't you know it,” Kyouka snickered. “his last straw was Midoriya. Again.”
“That’s definitely a new record, though.” Denki checked his phone for the time. 2:03AM. “Both for how late Katsuki stayed up and for how long he managed to stay in a hangout without storming off.”
Kyouka unplugged their jack from the wall suddenly. “Wait, but if they’re leaving, then…”
Katsuki’s annoyed grumbling was suddenly much, much closer. The door clicked.
“Stupid fuckin’… rich person door…” Denki heard Katsuki grumble, muffled but decidedly very close. The hinges squeaked, but the door hadn't budged yet.
Both he and Kyouka turned to face each other at the same time, seeing the fear reflected in each other’s eyes.
“Run.” Kyouka whispered.
As the door creaked open, Denki’s first instinct was to put an arm around his partner’s torso and dive directly into the hedge right by the entrance, pulling her along with him. Kyouka gasped, but managed to snap her jaw closed before she could let out a squeak of surprise.
“The hell was that sound?” Katsuki snapped as the door closed behind him, likely looking around like a sentinel.
“Probably a raccoon or something.” Eijirou yawned, steps heavy. “I dunno. I’m sleepy.”
“I’m not carrying you.” Katsuki deadpanned.
“Pweeeeeeease?” Denki couldn’t see it, but he could only imagine Eijirou was making exaggerated puppy-dog eyes at his boyfriend.
“Fine, whatever.” Katsuki relented, followed by the sounds of shuffling and Eijirou’s happy sigh.
Denki fought back a laugh. He turned to look at Kyouka, careful to not make any noise, and mouthed ‘He folded quicker than a lawn chair.’. His girlfriend pressed her hand over her mouth to avoid giggling.
Suddenly, the rumbling of a nearby car that Denki assumed was just passing by slowed to a stop near their hiding spot, a door opening and closing as someone walked out. Denki chanced a very slight look over the hedge. Oh no.
“…Yaoyorozu?” Katsuki asked, sounding puzzled. Under the confusion, Denki could discern a little embarrassment at being caught giving Eijirou a piggyback ride.
“Hi, Yaomomo!” Eijirou slurred, probably smiling that loopy smile of his.
“Hi? Where are Kyouka and Denki?” Momo asked, looking around. Her gaze drifted over Katsuki and fell on the hedge, and it was then that Denki realized he’d never ended up hiding behind it again. He pursed his lips as Momo held his gaze, clearly extremely confused.
“I should be askin’ you that.” Katsuki huffed. “They left two hours ago.”
Denki shook his head vigorously, ignoring the way Kyouka was tugging his arm repeatedly for him to hide again.
“O-oh- Oh, right! I almost forgot!” Momo stammered, looking everywhere but at Denki or Katsuki. “They told me to… meet them somewhere where the sky was clear so we could stargaze! Silly me!”
“Lame losers.” Katsuki - probably - rolled his eyes. Thank the lord he could be so incredibly gullible at times. “Have fun or whatever. I gotta take this dumbass home.”
“Your dumbass.” Eijirou sang, nuzzling into Katsuki's neck. “Foreverrrrrrr.”
“Not yet, you’re not.” Katsuki replied, uncharacteristically soft. “Maybe soon.”
Eijirou audibly gasped in excitement. Denki fought tooth and nail to not do the same. God, his friends were so corny, it was adorable.
“I hope I’m the best man.” he whispered giddily to Kyouka. They lightly smacked him with their jack, rolling their eyes.
As soon as Katsuki and Eijirou were at a reasonable distance, Denki and Kyouka slowly removed themselves from the bush and speedwalked to Momo’s car, brushing twigs and leaves out of their clothes and hair. Momo, who by now had walked back into her car and was currently pretending to fiddle with her keys to look busy and buy them time, glanced up at them and unlocked the car doors.
“What on Earth were you two doing?!” she chastised softly yet sternly as Denki and Kyouka hopped in - Kyouka having girlfriend-passenger-princess privileges, obviously. “It was so stressful to lie to Bakugou of all people!”
“Eh, Kats will believe most of anything if you’re earnest enough.” Denki shrugged. “‘Specially if it comes from you. He thinks you’re, quote, “too nice for your own good”.” he air-quoted the last part.
“I’m… flattered…?” Momo hummed uncertainly, pulling out of the driveway. “Now answer my question: what on Earth were you two doing?”
“We were eavesdropping for the past two hours.” Denki admitted casually.
Momo looked at him through the rearview mirror, disappointed yet fondly exasperated. She half-turned to Kyouka. “Love, how did you let yourself get roped into Denki’s schemes?”
“I ask myself the same.” Kyouka sighed. “It was supposed to be, like, five minutes, but then they started talking about us and I got really curious.”
“Oh?” Momo sounded intrigued now, in that polite way where she didn’t want to impose on anything but at the same time didn’t object to hearing any details.
“Yeah, Shouto’s onto us.” Denki snickered. “It was only a matter of time, really. I think the only theory he’s ever been wrong about was Shinsou being Aizawa’s biological son.”
Denki still remembered the first time Shouto brought The Board™ out, covered in all that purple string and a suspicious amount of pictures of Aizawa and Shinsou. Even though it was proven false, that theory had a lot of merit and a lot of points to back it up, at least up until Katsuki begrudgingly did the math and they all realized it would be better for everyone involved if Shinsou wasn’t Aizawa’s illegitimate child. Still, that didn’t change the fact that Shinsou had admitted to having been legally adopted by Aizawa and Present Mic one night while drunk off his ass, so Denki liked to consider that theory half-true anyways.
“He’s also wrong about Mineta having a crush on Midoriya.” Kyouka pointed out, an underlying challenge in her tone.
Ah, of course. The “Dekuneta Theory” was still a heavily debated topic, and Denki honestly thought that would be the one his friends would talk about after he and Kyouka left. Kyouka, Midoriya and Katsuki had always vehemently denied that theory, while Denki, Hanta and Mina were absolutely convinced it was true. The signs were all there. Shouto could be insanely convincing when he wanted to.
“I disagree.” Denki said solemnly. Kyouka opened her mouth to reply, but Momo beat her to it.
“Please do not argue about that theory again.” Momo sighed. “Just tell me what was so important that you stayed outside in the cold for two hours to hear. If I hear either of you sneezing tomorrow, I will not fight the urge to say “I told you so”.”
“Oh, I’m sure you’ll love to know how much information Midoriya apparently has on our relationship.” Kyouka smirked. For whatever reason, Momo blushed, suddenly very interested in the road - well, more than a driver was expected to be.
“But before that,” Denki interjected, leaning over to peek between the two front seats and turning to look at Kyouka. “do you think it's funnier if Uraraka or Hanta wins the bet?”
Kyouka smirked. “You know the answer to that question.”
[…]
And a month later, in the middle of a downtown bar at 1:43AM, Ochako Uraraka became 12000¥ richer.