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Chapter Text

Jayce was sitting in front of the bar, a mask covering the lower half of his face and his eyes were covered in Kohl and instead of the hazel he normally had, they were green. He couldn’t risk himself being recognized as the ‘Golden Boy’, he already stood out in Zaun like a sore thumb. In front of him was a drink, some low-alcohol content choice that wouldn’t get him too wasted. 

He normally did things safely and with his sanity still intact.

Tonight was no different, except tonight he felt unbalanced, Jayce felt like control he had was slipping. It was typical, it had been too long since he had been down, he didn’t want the control he wanted to kneel, he wanted to be good and just be enough for someone.

“So what’re you lookin’ for, pretty boy?” 

A body slid into the empty chair next to him and Jayce glanced up to look at the stranger. They were tall and broad, nearly as tall as he was and they had metal in their face and adorning their wrists and fingers. He looked like he could at least dish out what Jayce wanted – not that Jayce assumed based off of appearance.

He’d been disappointed before.

“Depends, what’re ya offerin’?” Jayce masked his normal voice, pitching it down, low and adding a drawl that he’d heard growing up. The man across from him squinted at him and looked him up and down.

“It’s probably something your lot is lookin’ for.”

Well, shit.

“I’m not lookin’ for trouble, just some fun–” Jayce straightened in his chair, his brows furrowed but the man in front of him simply shook his head and smiled. His teeth were sharp, sharper than the normal humans and Jayce felt his gut clench when he noticed that they weren’t teeth, they were metal.

“Fuck. Look-” Jayce started, his heart thumping. “I just need like, twenty minutes to kneel, to get my head straight, y’know?” He was babbling, the man in front of him didn’t respond but his grin widened at the panic he was seeing.

“Why didn’t you say so, doll?” The man nearly purred. “We can get you just.” He tapped on Jayce's forehead. “What you need. Can’t we, Tez?”

Jayce felt the presence behind him and closed his eyes. 

He knew they couldn’t do anything too bad, he had ways to protect himself.

“If you think you can handle me, be my guest.” Jayce responded, slipping back into the role easily.

It turned out they really could handle him.

He couldn’t handle them.

Jayce doesn’t know how he made it home. He knows that it was only hours prior that he was on his knees in some dive bar bathroom in Zaun, he knows that he had all of his limbs and he knows that he was… all in one piece. Physically, at least.

He was lying on the floor of his kitchen, a pile of vomit in front of him.  God how did he make it home, how was he not fucking dead . Jayce pushed himself up slowly, onto his hands and then slower still to his knees. His head was swimming and he could feel a drop coming.

He could just. Work. Go, get his things done and then. 

He’d figure it out. 

Jayce stood and made his way to the bathroom, stepping over the vomit for now.  He hesitated before he flicked the light on. Looking at himself in the mirror, he questions how the hell he didn’t end up in a ditch somewhere. Or maybe he did and someone found him.

Or he was dreaming.

His neck was a mottled mess of bruises in the shape of a hand, or hands since… yeah, there was. Definitely two different sizes there. His collar was ripped but it looked like they didn’t go any further than that. Just his scalp aching and his throat bruised.

And a new scar.

Fuck.

There was a two inch gash to the left of his nose and deep and warm to the touch. His eyes were rimmed red, the wound ached in time with his heartbeat. He didn’t feel like he submitted. He didn’t feel like he was still dropping, he felt like his throat was ripped to shreds and he had no dignity intact anymore.

At least they kept it above the waist.

Jayce finished undressing and gathered himself into the shower, turning the water as hot as it could go, already feeling light headed from the heat and steam. He showered slowly, checking for any other pain besides the typical pain from what he had experienced. It wasn’t the first time for him– Dominants in the shady places he liked to get his fix were not good people. They were not kind people.  When Jayce needed to fulfill his instincts, he didn’t want nice, he didn’t want kind.

If he was so deserving of it, he would have it.

Jayce buried the thought deep in his mind and exiled it. He didn’t need to think about that right now, he needed to get dressed, brush his teeth, clean the vomit off the floor. So that’s what he did– He poured baking soda on the vomit, brushed his teeth, dressed, picked up the vomit once it was coagulated and tossed it into the garbage and then took the garbage outside. It was still dark out, the chill of the morning air stung his nose and made his eyes water. His cheek ached, his throat hurt, his shoulders were high and nearing his ears.  It was too early for anyone to run into him, too early for him to have to explain himself and explain the ache in his chest and why he felt like he wanted to cry. Too early except for the guards, who simply nodded at him, used to his presence in the early morning. 

His commute was quick, and he was even more thankful than usual.

The door behind Jayce clicked shut with a heavy, final noise. He was home– the lab being more of his home than his own home, the scent of him and Viktor hung in the air and it was comfortable and real but there was still something off with himself, there was still something he wanted and he knew it was because he wasn’t actually taken care of the night before. He didn’t get sleep, he didn’t get hugs, he didn’t get kind words. He got harsh touches, scratches and a lot of trauma he’d probably have to dissect at a date that wasn’t today. It wasn’t natural, it wasn’t okay, it wasn’t right and he knew that, he knew that but in that moment he felt like he genuinely deserved the shame and the pain. 

Jayce allowed himself to lean back on the metal of the door, the cold of the metal seeping through and calming the feverish skin of his back. This small moment of reprise, of peace, he took like a gift before he pushed off and walked towards Viktor's and his desk. A week before, they had pushed their desks together while they were working towards – something. Jayce couldn’t remember off the top of his head, not like this.

He didn’t even want to think, he didn’t want to be at the lab, he didn’t want to be anywhere.

“God.” 

His voice sounded fucked. 

Everything about him was just, fucked.

Jayce pushed the heels of his hands into his eyes and leaned over his desk until he saw stars bounce off the black of his eyelids. 

“Get it together, get it together, you can do whatever the fuck you need tonight.” He grumbled under his breath. “Tonight, yeah.” Jayce soothed himself, his voice muffled and nasally from the pressure of his palms. Just one more day, he could handle one more day and then.

And then, what? 

He felt the sharp pain of the gash on his cheek peeling open from his wrist rubbing against it and pulled his hands back. This pain at least made him reorient himself, made him snap back to the here and the now and the real world, not his brain. He exhaled explosively and dropped his hands, ignoring the pain that shot up his wrist when his knuckles cracked against the metal of the lab table. Jayce just needed to work. He just needed to think of the numbers and the calculations and… he could just. Ignore this side of him.

And truthfully, his plan worked.

Dawn was approaching, when it all went to shit.

Jayce was sitting at his side of the desk, a soldering iron in one hand, the safety goggles he was supposed to be wearing were pushed up into his hair. He’d gotten annoyed at the cut on his cheek breaking open and smearing blood and getting tacky on his face. Surrounding him were rags dotted with blood and hardened with solder in some places, betraying his usually steady hand. He looked manic, blood smeared across his cheek and the cut now coagulated close. When Viktor entered their lab, Jayce was sitting with his back to the door, hunched over, not caring about the noise behind him. 

Viktor usually came in at this time.

Behind him was the tap, tap, tap of Viktor's cane, neither of them very chatty in the early morning hours typically. Jayce didn’t notice when Viktor noticed the blood-smeared rags, his attention lost to his task. It wasn’t abnormal for Jayce to hurt himself, science caused bleeding and pains and burns at times, but Jayce typically had a steady hand. He didn’t usually leave a sign of his mistakes out so brazenly where anyone could see.

The rags caused Viktor to inspect Jayce closer, and he spotted the blossoming bruise on the back of his neck.

“Good morning, Jayce,” Viktor said, his tone not betraying his trepidation.

Jayce still had his back turned to Viktor and he froze. 

He swallowed before responding.

“Morning, Viktor.”

Yeah, he still sounded like shit.

“Rather nice art project you are starting here – solder and…” Viktor leaned closer to the table, inspecting the rag closest to him. “Ah, is that blood?” He picked it up without hesitation and turned it in his hands. The blood was dried and the solder was cold.

“Ah, yeah.” Jayce responded after a moment of silence, when Jayce was sure that Viktor was done speaking. He didn’t want to play the game today. He don’t know if he could, now that Viktor was behind him and–

God. He was fucked. 

Jayce didn’t even know if he could keep this up as long as he wanted to. His shoulders were raising to his ears and he felt the anxiety buzzing in his chest, like an angry swarm of bees begging to get out. He told himself a few hours, a few hours and– 

Viktor placed a hand on his shoulder and squeezed. 

The touch disrupted his train of thought and Jayce clenched his jaw, his throat spasmed and god it hurt . It hurt and it grounded him and he could feel his mind starting to slow and a buzz began behind his eyes. They touched each other all the time– or, moreso, Jayce touched Viktor all the time. He found himself always unable to just… leave his hands to himself, a hand on Viktor's shoulder, a nudge to his ribs. Viktor didn’t touch him usually. Not this way, not without a cause.

Jayce closed his eyes and lifted the shoulder that was underneath Viktor's hand, shrugging the appendage off. It hurt his chest, the way that Viktor's hand trailed slowly down the back of his shoulder, seeming to not want to accept that Jayce didn’t want the touch. He always wanted touch, touch was his love language, they teased each other about it.

The silence between them was deafening to Jayce but he didn’t know how to continue, how to act like he was okay when he felt like he could go down at any minute.Viktor did not break the silence, but he did walk away, the noise of his gait walking to the entrance loud in the room. And Jayce knew he fucked up, he knew he fucked up when he heard the foot steps and the tap, tap, tap of the cane leaving him and go further away. He waited until he was sure that Viktor was going to leave before he finally dropped the solder and pushed his hands into his eyes again.

He didn’t hear the door lock, he didn’t hear the footsteps approaching, all he heard was the blood rushing in his ears and the creak of his bones and the crack of laughter from the night before when they dragged the knife down his cheek– 

Jayce was startled out of his spiral – again –  by Viktor, who sat down in his chair next to him, his cane placed off to the edge of the table. His head had lifted up, the goggles that were perched atop his head clattered to the ground, loud.

“What are you working on?” Viktor asked, his voice quiet, calm, the tone steady and gentle and everything that Jayce didn’t deserve in that moment.

Jayce didn’t respond, he stared at his hands and then moved his gaze to the solder he abandoned, the switch off, always so careful, and then to Viktor's hands. Viktor's hands were folded on the table, nails neat and knuckles red from the cold outside. He couldn’t bring himself to raise his gaze to Viktor's face.

“It was – “ Jayce's voice cracked and he swallowed the embarrassment that came with it. “Something Heimerdinger commissioned me.”  No, that wasn’t right – ”Commissioned us . A mini replica of the gates, for some. Investor meeting.”  He finally looked up to Viktor's face, yearning for his approval.

“Ah, that does sound important.” Viktor responded in that soft voice of his, the voice that Jayce had dreams about. “When is this investor meeting?” He lifted his hand and gestured, the movement caught Jayce's’ gaze.

“The meeting?” Jayce repeated, not following Viktor's train of thought. His eyes stayed on Viktor's hand, raised with the palm facing upwards. He’d expected Viktor to ask about the logistics, the math, and make fun of his soldering job. 

He didn’t move his eyes off Viktor's hand, he stared and imagined how peaceful it would be to rest his chin in it and be worshipped.

“Yes, the meeting. When does this need to be completed?” Viktor's patience was endless with Jayce, it seemed.

“Oh.”

Viktor allowed the silence while he watched Jayce chew on the inside of his cheek. He took the moment to look over Jace,  gaze tracing the bruises that had formed on Jayce's neck and the redness rimming his eyes, the way his pupils were dilated and how unfocused they seemed. He wasn’t an idiot, Viktor knew something had happened.

“I– well, it’s not for a few months, at least.” Jayce finally answered. He cleared his throat and clasped his hands in front of him. “I suppose it’s not very urgent.”

Viktor made a thoughtful noise. His good leg hooked around Jayce's chair and pulled himself closer as he spoke. His knees bumped into Jayce's thighs, which jostled Viktor's in response out of pure habit. “Then we can focus on some of the more pressing matters.” 

“Pressing matters? Did we get something else–” Jayce finally looked up, his voice was louder now, and he stared straight into Viktor's amber eyes. They were full of an emotion he couldn’t decipher in his state of mind.

“No, none of that.” Viktor responded softer than Jayce, trying to soothe. “I am talking about you , Jayce.”

Him?

Jayce clenched his hands into fists at Viktor's words. He wasn’t broken, he didn’t need fixing, he needed– something. He needed, he needed, he yearned for Viktor's approval and he found his resolve shattering. Viktor didn’t know   what Jayce was, he couldn’t because Submissives couldn’t be without a Dominant, they couldn’t make decisions they couldn’t be themselves or be smart or–

“Fuck, Viktor.” Jayce choked out, the words rough with emotion and betraying his mind. “I don’t know what you mean.” The words ended with a hitch and Jayce found himself holding his breath, trying to control his emotions. It was a futile attempt, but Jayce wasn’t thinking logically.

“You don’t know what I mean?” Viktor repeated, trying to catch Jayce's gaze. His brows were furrowed but then he smoothed his expression when Jayce finally glanced up.

 “Jayce, you look like you were assaulted. Or mugged.” Jayce inhaled to reply, but he didn’t get a chance. “What has happened to you? Who did this?”

Jayce didn’t respond, his mouth hung open as he thought on what he could say. None of it was good, he couldn’t put on the macho act that he normally did, couldn’t joke about how it was just a bratty sub who liked to be dominated. He licked his lips, opened his mouth again and then found no words on his tongue. 

“Jayce, I am concerned.” 

God. His name. Again and again Viktor says his name and it short circuits the instincts inside of him. Jayce swallows again and feels like he wants to cry. 

“There’s no reason to be concerned,” Jayce finally states, “I’m fine, I just… did this to myself?” He finally turned on his chair, forcing himself to look up into Viktor's face and he can feel Viktor's eyes cataloging every scrape and every mark and every imperfection because Jayce knows he’s not perfect. He’s not the golden boy that the city expects him to be and he knows that Viktor is starting to see that, too.

It scares him.

“I don’t believe you.” Viktor murmured, leaning closer to Jayce. He reaches a hand up, Jayce's eyes following the movement with worry and when the hand presses against his cheek, the one without the gash, his resolve shatters.

“God, Viktor, you shouldn’t.” Jayce's eyes slipped closed and both of his hands raised, clutching at Viktor's wrist and forearm, unable to let go. “You really fucking shouldn’t.” Jayce didn’t dare move, didn’t dare open his eyes. He was anxious for no reason.

Viktor made a low noise, a soothing noise. “Then it’s a good thing.” He said, not unkindly. “What do you need, Jayce? This is unlike you.” Jayce was acting like – a Submissive who had gone too long to go down, a Submissive who was a danger to themselves and others because they were denying themselves of the simple pleasures of life, the instincts that they crave.

But to Viktor, he had only known Jayce as a Dominant. That was what was written on the papers for the Academy, what everyone referenced him as, what Viktor had…

Viktor blinked and then squinted at Jayce, his scrutinizing gaze not seen.

Jayce was also a people pleaser, he grabbed things for Viktor and ensured that Viktor was always seen and heard, he was so proud to tout Viktor and so willingly to help. So willing and eager to get some sort of praise.

He didn’t know how he missed it, now that everything started to slide into place.

Jayce was an idiot. And Viktor was too.

A danger to himself, others and more importantly, he was keeping himself from being alive and clear headed because he felt like he must fake what he was born into.

Viktor was unsurprised when, instead of responding to his question, Jayce inhaled and then shook his head. He went to move away, to disconnect himself from Viktor’s touch and the comfort. He wasn’t able to move more than a few centimeters before the hand in his hair clenched, holding him in place. Jayce's eyes shot open.

God.

God.

“Do you want to… kneel, Jayce?” Viktor asked.

Jayce crumbled. 

He didn’t respond verbally, but he pushed out of the chair he was sitting in and his knees buckled beneath him, cracking loudly against the tile of the lab. Viktor had already let go of Jayce's hair, but he winced when he heard the sound of bone-against-tile.

“Gentle with yourself, Jayce,” he instructed quietly, his hand replacing itself in Jayce's hair. Beneath him, though, Jayce didn’t hear the words, he heard the tone, the gentle lull. God it had been so long since he had kneeled and only kneeled, just kneeled for anyone. Kneeling in a room alone doesn’t do good, listening to those shitty ‘subspace in five minutes’ podcasts and videos did nothing compared to this. Kneeling with someone he trusted, someone who guided him and always helped him and kept him focused. And he could feel Viktor's hands pushing through his hair, ignoring the knots and Jayce melted.

Jayce ended up with his forehead and cheek alternating between rubbing and resting on Viktor's good leg, his arms wrapped around Viktor's lower legs. It was almost what he craved, it was almost enough.

He floated, for what felt like hours, until Viktor pulled at his ear to get his attention. He was saying something above him and Jayce wanted to be good, he wanted to listen, so he lifted his head and gazed up at Viktor, who looked right back with a gentle smile.

If only Jayce could see himself.

His pupils were blown, blood was smeared on his cheek and subsequently, Viktor's pants. The gash wasn’t oozing, sufficiently scabbed over, but Viktor still felt an urge to bandage it, to make sure it didn’t scar. The look of adoration was something the Viktor felt was misplaced, but he didn’t comment on it. 

His lips were parted, red, chewed on, saliva casting a sheen on them.

“Jayce, your legs must be asleep by now.” Viktor teased, hand moving from the top of his head to cup his cheek. Jayce nuzzled into the hand and licked his lips again.

“They are.” Was his simple reply.

“I want you to get ready to stand for me, can you do that?” 

Jayce nodded his head, slowly, like he was still orienting himself and – he had been under for hours, it was mid morning, so he probably was orienting himself. His hand found purchase on the lab table next to him and he pushed himself up, feeling like a newborn fawn. His knees hurt, they cracked as he moved and straightened to his full height.

Viktor stayed sitting in front of him, his eyes calculating and piercing. 

Jayce felt naked.

He glanced down.

He wasn’t naked, which, good.

It still didn’t explain the look.

“What?” Jayce finally asked, after he stood in front of Viktor and let the man look into every cell in his body, or what felt like it. Viktor's gaze went from Jayce's knees to his face, looking up from his sitting position. It didn’t feel like their roles were reversed, it didn’t feel like a power swap. Jayce still felt fragile, he still felt like he wanted to cry but now he felt… a little better – it felt like the night before hadn’t happened.

“I am simply making sure you’re steady.” Viktor responded after a beat of silence, rolling the chair he was in to grab his cane from its holder.

“Where are you going?” Jayce's words were hastily said, his brain still buzzing, going too fast. 

“ We ,” Viktor said as he stood, “are going to one of our apartments. Mine or yours?”

Jayce startled and turned his head to Viktor. His pupils had shrunk, the glow that had been on his cheeks starting to diminish. 

“Why would we do that? We haven’t – we have work to do, Viktor.” 

“You are saying this like I have not had you kneeling in between my legs for the last four hours.” Viktor said, walking towards the exit. It was obvious that he expected Jayce to follow him. “I am aware we have work to do, none of it is important.” The tap, tap, tap of his cane spurred Jayce into motion, he hardly noticed that Viktor had cleaned up his mess from before. “If you do not answer me, I am going to say my apartment. It is closer, I know that I have things to take care of you there.” Viktor was in an unfortunate time crunch. He didn’t know what had happened to Jayce, who had done this if he had even ever had this happen to him before – he’d heard of trauma causing people to switch from Dominant and Submissive personalities before. Maybe that was what had happened?

He didn’t have time to think, Viktor needed to get Jayce into a room that wasn’t covered in chemicals and uncomfortable, he needed to get them both somewhere Viktor could take care of Jayce.

So Viktor unlocked the door, noting the silence behind him.

To his place it is, then.

“You know the way, come.” Viktor said over his shoulder, not having to look behind himself to make sure that Jayce was following.

He knew he would.

Chapter Text

The walk from the lab to Viktor’s apartment felt like it was miles and miles long. When Viktor and Jayce walked normally, Jayce had always made sure to match his pace. It was never a problem for either of them, Jayce would make his strides shorter, and have a hand at the small of Viktor’s back. He was good, he was caring, the perfect picture of a perfect Dominant.

Today, Viktor matched Jayce’s pace, who felt like he was moving through muck and like he had cotton in his ears. It was midday, many of the students and professors around were in their classes, and the ones who weren’t were, thankfully, not paying them any mind. It took longer than Viktor had originally planned, but eventually they reached his apartment. He unlocked the door and guided Jayce in and wasted no time herding Jayce into his bathroom.

“I just showered before work.” Jayce complained, even as he was pushed to sit on the closed toilet seat. Viktor chose to ignore his complaints and turned on the shower.

“It is now after work.” Viktor pointed out, rummaging through his medicine cabinet to find what he needed to clean up the blood smeared over Jayce’s face. When he found the supplies, he compiled it together on the counter and got to work, his hands gentle as they handled Jayce.

Jayce still seemed fragile, and Viktor chose not to force conversation. Instead, he tilted Jayce’s face left and right, cleaning the streaked blood. He didn’t reopen the wound, knowing that the heat of the shower would soften what little scab there was. Throughout it all, Jayce was quiet, his mind reeling and pupils small points. It wouldn’t surprise Viktor if Jayce was still dropping, but he was trying to work as quickly as he could, so he leaned and checked the temperature of the shower, and found it warm. He nodded his head towards the water. 

“Get in the shower, I will be just outside the door. Yell if you need me.”

There was the tap of Viktor’s cane, the click of the door shutting, and then Jayce was alone.

His cheeks still felt the ghost of Viktor’s hands when he rose and followed the directions given to him by Viktor. The shower was quick, he didn’t use any of Viktor’s soap, instead he chose to let the water course down his body and wash the smell of the lab off him. He didn’t linger. When he felt sufficiently clean he turned the water off and grabbed a towel off the hook. A quick sniff told him it was clean – or cleaner than the one he had used this morning, and he scrubbed himself dry, skin blooming red from the friction. He was pointedly ignoring his reflection, even as he pulled on that underwear and slacks that he was wearing before the shower.

When he exited the bathroom, he was spooked by Viktor leaning against the wall from across the door.

“Were you waiting there the whole time?”

“I have little else to do, and you are…” Viktor chose not to finish the sentence, but the sentiment lingered. Jayce wasn’t okay , and yeah, he knew that. He didn’t need Viktor to point it out again. “Come, your cheek is still oozing. I’d like to get some ointment on it.” 

Jayce ended up in the living room, alone, with his cheek bandaged and wishing that Viktor was near. He still felt awful. He felt wrung out, tired, the reality of what actually transpired in the last hours felt like a weight that was never going to leave his shoulders. He had never slipped in front of anyone , he knew how to keep his shit together and he knew how Submissives acted that made them likeable and he did none of that. He portrayed himself as loud, abrasive, independent and like he knew it all, like he didn’t need anyone to care for him or to do nice things for him or–

Viktor pushed a mug into his hands, interrupting his spiral. His eyes went from the beverage in front of him that was warm and smelled inviting, like Viktor, to Viktor’s face, to the gentle gaze that greeted him.

“The look on your face seems rather dire.” Viktor said mildly, taking his seat next to Jayce. “What are you thinking about?”

Jayce brought the mug to his mouth and sipped loudly instead of responding, his gaze dropped to the mug to examine it. It was old, faded red, hairline cracks stained with coffee or tea, there was a chip in the handle. It looked well loved, cherished. 

Jayce never knew he could feel so envious over a mug.

He took another, deeper, swallow, not reacting to hot-pain that coated his mouth and slipped down his throat. The liquid was heavy on his tongue. It tasted like liquorice. When it was obvious that he wasn’t going to verbally respond, Viktor leaned his body sideways, into Jayce’s space, his posture demanding his attention.

“I do think I deserve some sort of verbal response now, Jayce.”

Jayce winced, his eyebrows furrowed. Viktor wasn’t wrong, it’s just that Jayce didn’t think he could talk without disappointing Viktor, or himself. He’d already fucked up their whole dynamic. He didn’t know how they were going to go back to being near each other, to just existing and working on projects and spending late nights together without some shitty urge festering deep, deep inside him.

Beside him, Viktor watched as his eyes darted back and forth. He watched the steam tendrils swirl into the air and watched how Jayce inhaled the scent of licorice and spices like it was his life line. Truth be told, Viktor didn’t expect Jayce to still be dropping.

Viktor found himself wishing that he put some effort into the humanities courses he was forced to take.

He didn’t attempt to get Jayce’s attention verbally again. Instead, Viktor slowly raised his hand and placed it on the side of Jayce’s head. The touch seemed to have pulled Jayce out of the metal spiral he was in. He blinked rapidly and looked across the mug to Viktor, who was staring at him and he could feel his resolve start to break, start to shatter.

He wanted, he yearned. His hands started to tremble and his breath felt caught in his throat.

“Viktor.”

The name was spoken like a prayer to a forbidden god. For the first time since he’d stepped through the door into Viktor’s apartment, Viktor saw Jayce , saw the struggles he was going through and it hurt him to realize that he had gone about this all wrong. Viktor let his hand drop from Jayce’s face, he saw the slight tremble in Jayce’s jaw. He saw the flinch back when he moved quickly to grab the mug out of his hands and set it off to the side on a table, the sound was muffled to Jayce’s ears.

Viktor saw the desperation that was begging to be understood.

“Viktor, I don’t know what I need.” Jayce’s voice was loud, pitchy, he couldn’t control the volume of his own words. He felt like he was going back into the spiral he had just gotten out of and he didn’t have the capability to stop .

“I know, you have had a rather long day today, haven’t you?” Viktor said after a moment, keeping his voice low. It was common for Jayce to speak loud when he was excited and happy and begging for Viktor’s attention. Viktor didn’t think that he would ever hear it in this situation, with tears in Jayce’s eyes and bruises that he didn’t cause littering his neck. “You don’t need to know what you need, it’s okay to not know.” He put a hand on Jayce’s bare shoulder and urged him down, so that Jayce’s head was pillowed in Viktors lap. He ended up twisting so he was still looking up at Viktor, as if he were scared that he would disappear if he looked away.

“Pull your feet onto the cushions,” Viktor instructed, watching as Jayce made himself as small as he could be. He barely fit, but once he was settled, Jayce felt himself break for the second time that day, his throat spasmed with the need to swallow, but it hurt and then he started to cry . Hot tears spilled from his eyes,  streaked down his face and he rotated so that he was pressed with his cheeks into Viktors shirt. Viktor could do little but watch and place a hand in Jayce’s hair, his other hand on Jayce’s shoulder, rubbing soothingly.

“I do not need you to know what you need.” Jayce made a noise under Viktor, unintelligible. “I know that you are not… used to being like this around me, but I promise you that I will take care of you, Jayce.” Viktor scratched his nails gently over Jayce’s scalp. “We are partners, I will take care of you, even through this.” Jayce didn’t respond, but he did press his face harder into the warmth of Viktor’s abdomen.

“Be careful with your cheek.” Viktor moved the hand from Jayce’s hair to his forehead, his fingertips tracing lightly along his hairline. Jayce didn’t want light, he didn’t want soothing, he ached for– something . His lips tingled.

Jayce found himself feeling manic all of a sudden, an urge to do buried itself in his mind and wouldn’t let go. He twisted his body in a sudden movement to get his knees underneath, he pushed himself up so that instead of laying in Viktor’s lap he was on his hands and knees on the couch, unsteady. The touch on him didn’t stray, Viktor instead moved his hand from Jayce’s forehead to his shoulder. He was mindful of the bruises, his thumb stroking over a rather nasty thumb print. Viktor was staring so deep into his eyes he thought that maybe this was just some fucked up nightmare.

But then Jayce felt Viktor’s thumb press, applying pressure to the nasty, nasty bruise that made him choke and lean into it, silently begging for more. The pain was dull and throbbing and filled him with fire.

“Viktor, please.”

He didn’t know what he wanted but he knew that he would be okay, Viktor would make sure of it, he knew it. Viktor shushed Jayce and moved his hand from Jayce’s shoulder to his jaw, a subtle gesture telling Jayce that he was allowed, that he could choose. Jayce planted a hand on the back of the couch, the other he placed on Viktor’s cheek, mirroring the touch he had received. 

Jayce was the one who closed the distance between the two of them. His lips were chapped and dry and bruised but against Viktor’s they felt okay and he finally felt grounded. He felt like he was a sailor who had been on the water too long,  a bird who finally landed after migrating home. The kiss felt wrong and right and everything that Jayce had wanted. He licked the seam of Viktor’s lips, whimpered when Viktor’s mouth dropped open with a sigh that invited Jayce to kiss him deeper, to get to where he wanted to be.

It still felt wrong to Jayce.

His cheeks were still wet.

Tears were still spilling from his eyes and Jayce didn’t realize he was shaking so hard he almost lost balance until Viktor urged Jayce closer. Jayce disconnected from Viktor, he moved a leg over Viktor’s lap so he was straddling him. This way, he had to lean down, and had to put in more effort.  He found himself rolling his hips forward instinctually, playing the part of being a demanding top. He wasn’t even thinking of sex, didn’t want this to just be sex, but he felt like if he didn’t at least show Viktor he was okay with it, he would lose it all at that moment. 

But Viktor caught the motion with his hand on Jayce’s hip, which stilled him instantly. Jayce pulled back, he panted against his cheek, both of his hands now gripping the back of the couch, keeping him up and stable and most of his weight off of Viktor’s lap.

“I do not think you need this.” Viktor had kept his hands on Jayce’s shoulders, the location purposely neutral for the state of mind Jayce was in. “Do you think I need this, Jayce?” He questioned, his thumbs moved across the bruises in a way that made Jayce dizzy. This touch didn’t orient him, it made him feel like he was going to crash and he couldn’t stop. 

“I–” he started to speak, but was promptly interrupted.

“I want you to think carefully.” Viktor had tilted his head back when they disconnected from the kiss and now he was looking up at him with such undeserving understanding. “Why kiss me, why now?”

Jayce didn’t know the correct answer to that, he didn’t know why he chose to kiss Viktor, when there were hundreds of different choices he could take. He dropped his head, chewed on the inside of his cheek, his eyes tracing the wrinkles of Viktor’s pants.

“Do you want to know what I think?” 

Jayce raised his head, looked at him with his gaze lidded and exhaustion prominent on his face. “What do you think, Viktor?” He finally asked, tired and unsure what to do when everything felt wrong.

“I think you are afraid.”

“Afraid?” Jayce furrowed his brows. “Viktor– Vik, I’m not afraid of you.” He didn’t flinch this time when Viktor touched across his brows, trying to smooth the wrinkles there. 

“I did not say afraid of me.” He said simply. “I just think that you are… not used to not being… Ah, what do you call it up here?” Viktor looked to the side, his own brows furrowed now as he thought of the word. “Not in charge?”

“Submissive.” Jayce supplied, his tone flat. The word tasted like battery acid on his tongue.

Viktor noted the reaction, filed it away for later. 

“That–” he hummed and tilted his head, then settled his gaze back to Jayce’s face. Jayce was not acting like he thought he would when Viktor pulled him into the position he was in. He had expected Jayce to bury his face in his neck and let himself feel. He felt like a virgin to this experience, handling Jayce as he was right now.  Every step forward felt like half a dozen back at the moment.  “Was not what I was going to say. There is also nothing wrong with being a Submissive.” 

“There isn’t anything right with it–” Jayce was interrupted again by Viktor flicking his ear. His head jerked away, he locked eyes with the man beneath him, anger evident in them, his cheeks and chest flushing pink. “The hell was that for?” 

“For being the opposite of the Jayce Talis I know.” The words dripped with frustration, with thinly concealed disappointment. “He is not judgemental, he is not prejudiced and he does not speak ill of others and himself.”  The statement caused him to pull back, but he found himself stopped by Viktor’s grip again. “We are not done with this, Mr. Talis.”

Jayce swallowed audibly.

“Can I at least…” He shifted and tried to move off of Viktor to no avail. “V, please, can we have this conversation when I’m not straddling you?”

“We are not having a conversation.” Viktor looked up at him, expression unreadable. “A conversation requires both present and I do not think you are fully present, Jayce.” 

There were small mannerisms Viktor had picked up from Jayce over the years, the things he did to soothe himself and ensure that he was in charge. Things that ranged from lowering his voice when someone raised theirs, to putting his hands behind his back to portray himself as someone who was open, willing and still in charge. Even now, straddling Viktor with bruised lips and a fragile expression on his face, Jayce had his shoulders squared back.

The always present facade.

The longer Viktor examined him, the more he realized how many cracks were in it. Jayce’s pupils were still pinpoints, sweat lined his hairline and mixed with the tear stains on his cheek. He was pleased that he at least had the forethought to bandage his cheek, even if the plaster was already starting to peel away from the movement and moisture. Jayce’s lips trembled every other inhale, a muscle in his jaw was ticking. Viktor could only hope that he wasn’t about to make a massive misstep.

“You kneeled for me in the lab.” He started when Jayce didn’t respond. Viktor was getting used to hearing himself speak, watching Jayce’s reaction rather than relying on words. The words he did get were riddled with lies and anxiety but Jayce was a terrible liar, and Viktor saw right through them. “Will you do that for me again?”

And would he do it again? 

God, Jayce knew he wanted to, he wanted and could think of nothing else but in his mind there were too many what-if scenarios. What if it was a set up, what if this was Viktor finally becoming the monster that showed in his dreams and betrayed him and took all of their work and ran with it. Deep in his mind, he knew these were delusions, he knew they were not real but he could not help the way his breath sped up and the sweat that started to make his palms cold-hot against the couch cushions.

Viktor, thankfully, did not speak again.

He watched.

He watched Jayce close his eyes and bite his lip, he watched the muscles in Jayce’s forearm tense and release and tense, the repetitive motion probably soothing to him. They were silent for a long time, no sound besides the ticking of a clock and Jayce’s ragged breathing. Eventually, Jayce couldn’t handle it anymore. He was tired of putting himself back together, tired of thinking the worst of Viktor when all Viktor has shown him is love and understanding, even when they argued. It wasn’t fair to him.

Jayce, feeling defeated, collapsed forward into Viktor’s chest. His hands pushed their way between Viktor’s armpits and cupped his shoulders and he spread his legs wide so he could rest comfortably and without worry that his weight was too much for Viktor’s leg.

It was close, but it wasn’t enough. Jayce hated the feeling of want in his chest because Viktor asked him if he would kneel and he wanted to, so fucking much, he wanted to kneel and be good but he couldn’t get his mind to turn off, to stop thinking.

“I can’t stop my mind, Viktor,” Jayce spoke against Viktor’s neck. His voice was still pitchy, ragged with his breathing. “I want to, I don’t want to, I just. I don’t think–”

“Then do not think.” Viktor said gently, and Jayce laughed wetly. 

“You just told me to think carefully, Vik.” 

 Viktor flattened his mouth and tilted his head, because Jayce was right.

“I did ask you to think, didn’t I?” 

“You did, and I hated it, V.” Jayce clenched his hands into Viktor’s shirt even harder and pressed his face closer. He could feel the bandaid starting to slip. “I don’t want to think. I want to-”  he inhaled and exhaled, his eyes closed shut. He was surrounded by Viktor’s scent, the tang of sweat, the spices he cooked with. “To just feel numb, I want the last forty-eight hours to not exist and I just…can’t.”

“We have not invented time travel yet, unfortunately.” Viktor mused. His fingers were playing with the hair at the base of Jayce’s neck, the touch distracted him in the best way possible. “I can help, but I want to make sure that you know that I will not do this half way.” The tension that had made itself home in Jayce’s shoulders started to melt away as Viktor spoke. “We can stop this at any time, Jayce, I am not a monster like those you have had before.” At the mention of the others, Viktor splayed his hand across the back of Jayce’s neck, his touch was possessive. 

“We will use the stop light system.” The hand pushed upward, into Jayces hair and Viktor pulled Jayce’s face from his neck. “I need you to focus, we just have a few more moments and then you can relax, Jayce.” Jayce's lips were parted and his eyes… more focused than they were moments ago. He took it as a small win.

 “I want to take care of you, do you want that? Yes or no answers, please.” Viktor watched Jayce’s mind work, his eyes flicking from Viktor’s eyebrows, to his nose, to his lips and then back to his eyebrows, terrified of the always-present eye contact Viktor was so fond of.

“Yes.” Jayce breathed. 

“Good, so good for me, Jayce.” Viktor said softly. “Do you want to keep your pants on?”

Jayce furrowed his brow and his head twitched, he tried to look away but Viktors hand didn’t allow the movement.

“I– yes.”

“Do you want me to keep my pants on?”

The question threw another wrench in his thoughts and he frowned.

“Yes?”

“Thank you, good,” Viktor soothed. Jayce seemed to relax at the praise. ”And I have one last question for you.” His fingers started a rhythmic pattern on Jayce’s neck, trying to massage the tension that crept its way back in. “Have you imagined me doing this to you?”

Jayce felt his nostrils flare and his blood rush in his ears because yes, yes , he had dreams about this, he’d jerked off in the shower to this just days before, he had wanted this since the beginning but he had never felt that he had deserved it. “ Yes, Viktor, please, yes.” He felt his heart pounding in his chest and he didn’t realize he was holding his breath until Viktor laughed, the noise soft, and pressed a hand to his chest.

“Don’t hold your breath.” 

“Yes, Viktor.”

“Good. I want you in front of me, grab the cushion from the other chair and place it at my feet.” Viktor held Jayce in place until he dipped his head in validation. “Words, Jayce.” He chidded when he didn’t get an audible response.

The gentle reprimand caused Jayce’s face to flush.

 “Yes– I can grab the cushion.” He leaned back, pointedly putting pressure against Viktor’s hands. “If you let me go?” His sass earned him a tighter squeeze before Viktor released him. 

“I had to make sure you weren’t going to break your knee caps on my carpet.” Viktor retorted while he shifted on the couch and grabbed a cushion to put behind his back to stabilize it. While he did that, Jayce grabbed his own and placed it at Viktor’s feet, but he didn’t kneel immediately. He looked from the cushion to Viktor’s legs and then used his foot to move it so that the lip of the cushion was touching the bottom of the couch, next to Viktor’s leg instead of between them.

Viktor was quiet while Jayce made his decision, his eyes cataloged every mark on Jayce’s skin, he thought about how long he could feasibly kneel for. If it would really do anything, or make things worse. He was a scientist, he supposed, and he was used to cleaning up his own mistakes. Viktor found he didn’t want to make a mistake with Jayce, not when he’s made so many already. He wanted his calculations to be perfect.

“Viktor?” 

“Yes, Jayce?” 

“Can– are we okay?”

Viktor furrowed his brows at Jayce’s question but quickly relaxed his face when he saw Jayce tense.

“We are okay.” He confirmed, he gestured down to the cushion. “Come. Be good for me, come kneel.” 

And Jayce wanted to follow the instructions, he wanted to so badly , but he couldn’t bring himself to kneel. His hands clenched, unclenched, clenched, unclenched in a loop until Viktor hooked a finger into his belt loop and pulled him forward, breaking him out of it.

“Jayce.”

Viktor’s voice had a rumble of a warning, like the lightning before thunder. Jayce found that he didn’t want to heed it.

“Make me?”

“Make you?” Viktor repeated, unable to hide the incredulous tone. “Jayce, do you know who is in charge right now?” Using Jayce as leverage, he leaned forward. Jayce’s heart felt it was going to beat out of his chest. Viktor continued to look up at him, his stare level and inescapable. The finger in his belt loop yanked him closer, causing Jayce startle and widen his stance.

“I asked a question.”

“I mean– Viktor, please.” He still didn’t know what he wanted.

“You know what to say to stop?” Viktor checked quietly, still staring with his pretty amber eyes. Jayce finally worked up the courage to meet his gaze and his breath caught at the hunger he saw in them. 

“Yeah,” Jayce replied.

“Good.” Viktor responded. “You can tap me if you need me to stop.” Jayce nodded and then hissed when Viktor yanked at his belt loop again, threads ripping with the force. This time, Jayce stumbled and he found himself having to choose between face planting into Viktor or catching himself. He chose the latter, his hand grabbed at the back of the couch to steady himself and his breath caught.

“Jesus- Viktor–” He snapped, but the words lacked heat. 

“What?” Viktor asked innocently. His free hand grabbed at Jayce’s jaw, his thumb slipped across  his lips. “Open your mouth.” He instructed, unsurprised when Jayce followed the simple  instruction. He hooked his thumb behind Jayces teeth and pressed into Jayce’s tongue.

Above him. Jayce made a noise, the sound raw and his breath hot against Viktor’s hand, but he didn’t pull back. 

“If you don’t have an answer to any of my questions, you don’t need to speak.” Viktor mused, thumb rubbed languidly against his tongue. Jayce’s nostrils flared and eyes sparked with – not annoyance, but something deeper, something primal. The taste of Viktor was encompassing him, saliva started to pool in his mouth and he found that Viktor wasn’t willing to let go, even as drool started to dribble down his thumb. 

“I think you know that I am the one in charge, and really, I always have been, hm?” Viktor removed his thumb and wiped the spit on it against Jayce’s cheek that wasn’t injured. It gave Jayce a moment to close his mouth and swallow, but soon Viktor’s fingers found their way back to his mouth. They prodded against his lips expectantly.

“Open.”

Jayce opened his mouth, prepared but he felt wild.

Viktor pushed his middle and index finger into Jayce’s mouth now, his thumb hooked under his chin. Jayce found that he was trapped, unable to pull back, and he soaked in the revelation. The fingers dragged along his teeth, the knuckles bumped against the roof of his mouth. Saliva pooled faster now, and Jayce whined when drool actively started to drip and coat Viktor’s fingers. It was degrading, it was wretched , but Viktor could see Jayce’s eyes lose the panic. He could see his eyes start to get a glaze and see the eagerness in them. 

“You seem to think that I would care what your dynamic is, when I have never shown that I do care. It is a bit like when you get a thought in your brain, an idea and won’t stop until it is done.” It wasn’t fair that Viktor was able to speak, able to be coherent when Jayce felt his brain frying.

“You are obsessed with the thought of me judging you, and I won’t allow it.” He wasn’t used to this, he wasn’t used to submission without the sex and without feeling used and awful. Tears pricked at his eyes, but they didn’t spill until Viktor crooked his fingers deeper into his throat, his front teeth bumping the third knuckle of Viktor’s hand and he gagged.

“I do not know what has happened, but I do know that you trust me to take care of you, even if your brain thinks otherwise.” Viktor continued, his tone level and Jayce found himself hanging onto every word. “You are brilliant , Jayce, one of the smartest individuals I know, but you are also so stupid when it comes to yourself, your needs.” The fingers in his mouth didn’t pull back when Jayce gagged around them, and now he was drooling in earnest.  Strands of his saliva dripped lewdly, down Viktor’s wrist and onto his pants. He tried to vocalize around the fingers, but the sound was wet and hoarse and incomprehensible.

“You’ve been needing someone to take care of you.” Jayce’s forearms were starting to tremble from the effort of holding his body up and he could feel his back aching but he didn’t care, his eyes were locked on Viktor’s, hazy and full of worship. The look stirred something in Viktor, he pulled Jayce closer to him by the teeth and licked at Jayce’s open mouth. 

Jayce moaned, long and wanting . 

“I can take care of you, Janna, you look so good.” He went to pull his fingers from Jayce’s mouth, to give him a break and let him breathe freely, but Jayce made another high pitched noise and nearly speared himself on Viktor’s fingers. His nails scraped the back of Jayce’s throat and Viktor winced at the feeling. He released the belt loop and used his now free hand to push Jayce’s hair back from his forehead, he noted the sweat that was there, saw the wild look in Jayce’s eyes.

“We can stay like this as long as you need to, Jayce,” Viktor soothed, and Jayce swallowed around his fingers and nodded as much as he could. His eyes followed a string of spit that went from the bottom of Jayce’s lip to hang next to his wrist and Viktor succumbed to the desire to chase the string. He kissed Jayce alongside his fingers, licked into his mouth while Jayce could do nothing but stand there and whine and feel.

When he pulled back Viktor noticed that Jayce’s arms were trembling more now.

“Jayce, I want you to kneel for me.” His tone was gentle, and Jayce immediately followed the instruction. Viktor leaned forward and moved with him as Jayce kneeled, spreading his knees so that Jayce could be closer. He noted that Jayce didn’t grab the pillow and he debated with himself before he mentioned it.

“Grab the pillow and place it under your knees.” 

Jayce whined and his arm flailed out to grab the cushion, unwilling to pull back, unwillingly to exist without Viktor inside of him so intimately. When he finally grabbed the cushion, Viktor lifted his leg and pulled the fingers out of Jayce’s mouth slightly so Jayce could situate himself on it.

“Better, hm?” Viktor teased, watching Jayce as his eyes rolled and slid shut. His hands were gipping the top Viktor’s thighs now, his head tilted up and he looked wrecked. He looked perfect to Viktor, who wanted to do nothing more than take care of him and nurture him and be the one to do this to him every time. But at that thought, Viktor pushed it away. 

He was helping Jayce, because Jayce needed his help.

Nothing more.

They stayed like that for a long while, Jayce with Viktor’s fingers in his mouth, eyes closed and chest pressed against the couch. Viktor traced Jayce’s face with his free hand, smoothed over the scars and pressed the plaster back into place. While Jayce floated, Viktor thought.

He thought of all the times that Jayce had done something without him asking, every time Jayce looked at him for approval after saying something. He thought of Jayce bringing him a coffee, and then sweetmilk when he realized that Viktor had a preference for sweet things. 

He thought of the way that Jayce just looked lost, and broken and like he was going to lose everything when Viktor saw him this morning. When Jayce started to slump forward, his mouth going slack and his shoulders rounding, that was when Viktor slowly removed his fingers from his mouth. Jayce ended up with his head pressed into Viktor’s thigh, his nose moving side to side in a soothing motion. It wasn’t uncommon for Submissives to doze when they were completely under, and Viktor wouldn’t fault him for this. It made his chest swell with something he pegged as protectiveness.  He decided to not dwell on the feeling, and instead let himself soak in the adoration and trust from Jayce.

Viktor didn’t know how long had passed when Jayce stirred. It happened in stages, Jayce first clenched his hands, fingers scraping along the wool of his pants. His weight shifted back and forth on his knees, the joints probably sore or asleep, and then Jayce inhaled and held it.

“Don’t hold your breath, Jayce.” Viktor reminded him softly. Jayce exhaled loudly and lifted his head. His eyes immediately found Viktor’s. His pupils were dilated, the black almost overtaking the hazel of his eyes. 

“Sorry.” Jayce responded, voice rough but it lacked the panic from before. His nails were scratching a rhythm into Viktor’s pants. “It’s a bad habit. It helps me think. Keeps my brain from spinning.” As he explained, he shifted again and winced. 

“It’s alright – here, Jayce, let’s get you up. Your knees must be killing you.”

Jayce hummed at that, not denying the comment. It was a slow process, Jayce felt dizzy and Viktor was still sitting when Jayce finally stood, looking more relaxed than he had been in weeks, months maybe.

Looking at Jayce as he is now, Viktor briefly wondered how he was existing before now. 

“Help me up, let’s get to bed.” 

Jayce perked at the mention of bed, of comfort, even thought it was midday – or was it evening? He found that he didn’t care, time didn’t matter when he was in this state of mind. It was why he hated being under, he hated the time blindness and the gaps in his memory.

“Jayce.” Viktor prodded at him with his cane.

“Oh, right, here–” and then Jayce was helping Viktor up and they were walking down the hallway. They made a quick pit stop to Victor's kitchen where he grabbed a glass of water and forced it into Jayce’s hand with a comment that he’d lost a lot of water and was probably dehydrated.

Which, yeah, he did drool all over Viktor and himself. 

His face was still tacky and felt dry, skin stiff in the shadow of his beard, but he didn’t complain. He drank the water as they walked to Viktor’s bedroom, giddy to crawl up next to Viktor and just sleep . Inside Viktor’s room was – in layman's terms, a whirlwind. He had a notepad next to his bed, stained with water rings and ink smeared over the pages. On his bed there was an oddly shaped pillow, ergonomic, if Jayce was remembering right and the bed was a pile of blankets and warmth and everything that Jayce wanted. 

He wasted no time examining the rest of the room.

Jayce glanced at Viktor for approval, who gave it with a dip of his head, and then he wiggled out of the slacks he wore, down to his briefs. He set the glass he was holding onto the bed side table and looked over the bed. It only took him a few moments to figure out which side Viktor liked to sleep in, judging by the wrinkled sheets and Jayce buried himself into the soft blankets and firm pillows. From beneath the covers and pillows, Jayce heard the soft wheeze of Viktor’s laugh. He heard the clink of Viktor’s cane being sat on its designated hook and when he felt the bed dip he peeked out from the covers he was under. Viktor was still wearing his pants, which Jayce didn’t know how he felt about, but he didn’t comment because Viktor was close. He smelled so good and he was close and warm and everything that Jayce wanted. 

“You… are rather cute, you know.” Vitkor complimented Jayce easily, a smile pushing the corners of his lips up. Jayce saw the flash of his canines. He wanted to feel them on his skin. “Such a good boy. I sleep on my back, come closer.” His arm lifted up and Jayce took the invitation without hesitation. He pressed his body close to Viktor’s, his chest pressed against the side of Viktor’s and their legs tangled already. It felt natural, it felt good. Jayce felt, for the first time in his life, like he was settled, like he could continue and it wasn’t going to be the end of the world after it was all over. He pressed his cheek into Viktor’s shoulder and told him that. Viktor didn’t respond verbally, but he did pull Jayce closer, and to Jayce, that was enough. He fell asleep, surrounded by warmth and Viktor, and didn’t worry about his dreams, or what would happen when he woke. 

Chapter Text

Jayce woke in the middle of the night. 

At first, his brain was muddled with his dreams, which were warm and inviting and left him wishing for them to continue. He pressed his cheek into his pillow and yawned so wide his jaw cracked.  His pillow shifted beneath him and scared the shit out of him.

Jayce stilled like a deer in headlights because beneath him was Viktor , sleeping soundly, his breath wheezing out of him in the way it always did. He was warm beneath Jayce’s cheek, almost too warm. Jayce felt a drop of sweat drip from the top of his spine, tickling on its way down to the sheets. He always ran hot, and it seemed like Viktor did too, but he found he didn’t want to move even if he was getting that uncomfortable itch. He was surrounded by Viktor’s scent, his presence heavy in his mind still – fuck, even his mouth had a lingering taste of his fingers.

But it couldn’t have been bad, Viktor couldn’t hate him, right?

He was invited into his bed, Viktor gave him water and forced him to acknowledge that it was okay to feel the way he did. To feel needy, to have an itch to worship and to be praised. He wouldn’t have said those things if he didn’t mean it, Jayce was sure. Viktor wasn’t one to lie. But still, Jayce found his breathing pick up and he was getting really fucking annoyed at how this kept happening over and over again. He wished he knew why his body gave up on all his past capabilities when he was around Viktor now.

He almost didn’t notice when Viktor stirred beneath him and took a breath, deep and centering. His eyes blinked awake, and Jayce found himself with his own eyes looking up through his lashes to examine his reaction. It was… decidedly not as dramatic as Jayce had expected. Viktor rotated his shoulders, which in turn wiggled Jayce’s head, and Jayce grumbled in response.

“How long have you been awake?” Viktor asked, breaking the calm silence of the room. His voice was rough with sleep, accent heavier.

“Few minutes.” 

Viktor hummed at his response and rubbed a hand up from where it was settled around Jayce’s shoulder cap to his jaw and then up into his hair, sure and firm. He relaxed at Viktor’s touch, found himself rubbing his jaw against his torso, almost entranced by the feeling of his stubble dragging along the skin beneath him. He didn’t remember Viktor removing his shirt, but now he was so, so happy that he did. He wished he could feel as grounded as he wanted to, but his mind was still blanketed with the fog of that almost-drop feeling, the gentling from Viktor felt like a drug, keeping it at bay.

“You’re going to give me stubble burn,” Viktor complained. His tone lacked heat though, so Jayce didn’t stop immediately. Instead, he let himself have one last drag, committing the feel to memory. Viktor watched his reaction, watched the way his breath stuttered out and how he seemed to melt back into the bed and into Viktor’s skin. Internally, Viktor let himself panic. He felt like he had bitten off more than he could chew with Jayce – it was obvious that Jayce was…. He couldn’t call it touch starved, but he knew that Jayce was craving the intimacy of the act of touch, platonic or not.  It had been years since Viktor had taken responsibility for a Submissive for more than a night, and it was clear that Jayce needed something more. He needed stability, he needed consistency and he needed to know that how he had been treated before Viktor wasn’t right , it wasn’t okay.

Viktor, for the first time in decades, felt himself wanting revenge. He let himself sit with the emotion before shoving it deep into the recess of his mind. 

They laid quietly, Jayce dozed and while he was slipping between being awake and asleep and drooling on his chest, Viktor was stuck in his own thoughts. He knew that Jayce didn’t want their dynamic to change, and truthfully it didn’t have to. In Viktor’s mind, it could be something that happened between their discoveries, the galas that Jayce had to attend and meetings with investors that he had to talk to. He found himself wondering how long Jayce had let himself be handled so roughly, why he had felt the desire to hide something from Viktor. Jayce had to have seen how Viktor didn’t give a shit about dynamics, since in Zaun it was just something they all dealt with. Something that wasn’t stuck behind closed doors, something that was just natural. Submissives had to be put down sometimes, Dominants felt an urge to help and then there were those who didn’t even have a dynamic, but participated anyway because it was fun .

He hadn’t personally ran into a Submissive who fought their own instincts so viscerally. Jayce had fought his mind and his body, and Viktor, in the back of his own mind, was worried that what they did last night didn’t do what it needed to do. Like last night was a bandaid over a bullet wound. He wasn’t used to this, to being one step back from where he wanted to be. 

Viktor felt his stomach growl and he sighed. He wasn’t keen on getting up and disrupting the peace that Jayce had found but when he glanced at the clock on the wall and noted that it was nearing two in the morning, he realized he didn’t have a choice. Viktor hadn’t eaten, and he knew that Jayce didn’t eat, either. He shifted underneath Jayce, the movement jostled him and Jayce found himself waking quicker this time. He stretched alongside Viktor’s body, his own body tensed and then relaxed into a puddle that triggered a worrisome level of adoration in Viktor. 

“Time is it?” Jayce had his face pressed into Viktor’s underarm and his eyes were still closed.

“Only two in the morning.” Viktor responded, quiet. “We should get something to eat. When was the last time you ate?”

The response to the question was a nose scrunch and a frown from Jayce, which confirmed Viktor’s suspicions of how long it had been.

“I’m no better, so I can’t judge you.” 

Jayce huffed a laugh against Viktor’s side and then pushed himself up to his knees. It was obvious that he had slept and slept deep . Red indents were present along his cheek and torso, his hair was flat on the side he slept on and his eyes looked so soft compared to when Viktor had first found him. 

It suited him.

“If you weren’t better would you judge?” Jayce swayed forward and Viktor watched him, his eyes searching his face to find the ever-present anxiety there. 

It seemed to Viktor that last night was a bandage over a bullet wound. As soft and happy Jayce looked now, there was still a tension in his mouth and jaw, there was still something in Jayce’s eyes while he looked at him that made him mentally prepare for round three. 

Something about how the third time's the charm.

“I don’t think I would judge,” Viktor surmised. 

Jayce seemed to hesitate at that response but he recovered quickly. Already he was slipping into the Man of Progress everyone was so starry-eyed over. It didn’t go unnoticed, but Viktor chose not to comment on it. He grabbed his cane and rose off of the bed, joints and bones cracking noisily.

“If my body made those noises I think I would be on the floor.” Jayce commented from behind. He slipped out of the bed, careful not to jostle Viktor, and grabbed his pants from the night before. “You sleep in your pants often, V?” 

“You said you wanted me to keep my pants on, so I did.” It was said so matter-of-fact that Jayce paused while buttoning the slacks. This hesitation, Viktor didn’t let slip. “You seem surprised by me respecting such a simple boundary.” He noted, his head turned to watch Jayce.

“I’m– not surprised , I trust you.” Jayce said immediately, his movements were more jerky than moments before. “It’s just.” His nostrils flared, betraying his calm facade. “Didn’t think that it would go even for, y’know, basic concepts such as sleep.”

Viktor let Jayce’s words hang in the air. Instead of giving him a response, he flicked on the overhead light. Both of them winced at the sudden brightness, used to the glow of the full moon peeking from the window. With the lights on, Viktor could see the plaster had been lost in their slumber, and that Jayce was still struggling with the simple task of buttoning his slacks.

He propped his cane on the wall next to the door and wobbled his way to Jayce. Jayce didn’t look up until Viktor shooed his hands away from where they were trying for the fifth time to push the button through the hole

“There are also basic concepts such as consent.” Viktor said after a pregnant pause and Jayce watched as Viktor buttoned his slacks in quick motion. He felt chastised, and he could feel his cheeks burn with the statement Viktor made. “You can handle the zipper, I assume?” He asked, tone serious for something as simple as…. Zipping up slacks.

“I know of consent, you don’t need to be an ass.” Jayce wasn’t pouting, he wasn’t, he just chose to not respond to Viktor’s question and zipped up his own slacks because he was competent, his blood sugar was probably just crashing out, which is why he felt like.

This.

Or he was heading face first into a drop.

Viktor did a little skip-hop back to his cane without comment and started to make his way towards the kitchen. Jayce followed him wordlessly, his lower lip rolling between his teeth. The anxious thoughts were starting again, spurred on by Viktor’s comment. Consent was something that he was taught when his dynamic started to show through – something about always being respected and always having the ability to stop and withdraw whenever he wanted.

He didn’t really get to express it a lot, with what he did and how he did it.

He ended up sitting on Viktor’s counter while Viktor moved about the kitchen, his cane placed against the fridge. The silence between them now was comfortable and familiar. Viktor was cutting up fruit on the counter that Jayce wasn’t occupying, something was simmering on the stove and Jayce was sitting on the counter trying to keep his breathing in check.

God, why couldn’t he get a grip.

“What are you thinking about?” Viktor asked, breaking the silence between them. He handed Jayce a berry and Jayce ate it without a second thought. 

“Do you want the fun answer or the real answer?” Jayce accepted another berry. Viktor leveled a gaze at him and Jayce scrunched his nose before he popped the berry into his mouth and let the taste of it distract him from his next sentence. “I feel like shit, and I hate that I feel this way because I don’t know why I feel this way when…” He trailed off, looked off to the side, away from Viktor. The next berry wasn’t handed to him, instead, Jayce felt it press at his lips and he blinked and shot a look at the culprit. Viktor had a neutral expression on his face, a brow was crooked up. 

Jayce opened his mouth and let the berry in. It was much sweeter than the one prior and made his jaw tingle and made him want to pucker his lips. 

“When what?” Viktor made his way to the stove, giving Jayce space to breathe, space to think .

“When –  Viktor, do you know?” He couldn’t see it, but Jayce was looking at him with anguish in his eyes. 

“Do I know what ?” Viktor busied himself, he grabbed a bowl, turned the oven off and scooped the meat and vegetable mix into the dish, more than what he would ever need for himself. He wasn’t oblivious to the reaction that Jayce was having behind him, but both of them needed to eat. 

“You–” Jayce left the sentence unfinished. He was fighting with a wave of panic that there was something unsaid, something that he didn’t know that he had to do but did wrong. He wanted to fix it, but he didn’t know how.

When Viktor turned to face him and only had one bowl, he took in the dish and slipped off the counter to grab his own. Viktor stopped him with a gesture, urging Jayce to the table. He followed the instruction, mouth turned down, distracted with the thought of doing something wrong. He didn’t think he did anything to be… punished? Was this what Viktor was doing?

Viktor sat and nodded to the empty chair next to him, instead of Jayce’s typical seat across from him.  “Over here.” He was still feeling off kilter, but Jayce stepped around the table and sat heavily in the chair.  

“Jayce, you look like a kicked puppy.” Viktor pushed the bowl to Jayce, who looked from the bowl back to Viktor. 

Was it a test?

“I– I don’t know what to do, Viktor.” He admitted quietly.

 It seemed that his assumption that Jayce was at least a little stable was… incorrect. His own mind was still muddled with sleep and endorphins and he didn’t exactly have a plan for what was to come.

“You don’t need to always know what to do. You do need to eat though.” Viktor looked pointedly at from the bowl to Jayce, who picked up the supplied fork and followed the instruction promptly. It was a simple recipe, a mix of spices and meat and  vegetables. Filling and easy on the stomach, simple to eat and cook.

But Jayce was still panicking. His heart was hammering in his chest and he knew he was breathing too fast for just calmly sitting at the table. He chewed the food without dwelling on the anxious thoughts,, swallowing it even though it felt like sandpaper in his throat.

“Jayce, can you tell me what the food tastes like?” Viktor asked suddenly and Jayce shot him a confused look. 

“What does the food taste like?” Jayce repeated back. “You made it. You always make this, you know what it tastes like.”

“Humor me.”

Unsure of where this was leading, Jayce put another forkful of food in his mouth and chewed, slower this time and let the warmth of the peppers and juices from the meat sit on his tongue. He swallowed and stared at Viktor, who stared expectantly back. 

“Like – peppers and… warm?” Jayce sounded  unsure even to his own ears. “The bits of… I think it's a carrot?  It has a nice crunch. It’s good.” He didn’t exactly know where it was going, but it did at least make the food taste better.

“Thank you,” Viktor sounded so serious. “What color is the ceiling?”

The look that Jayce gave Viktor would have been funny in another context, but Jayce glanced up anyway, even though he knew the answer. 

“White?”

“You sound unsure of yourself, is it white?” 

Jayce openly was staring at him now, not hiding the disbelief on his face. “It’s white. A beige if you really care, but Viktor. You know this, what are you doing?”

“You know exactly what I’m doing Jayce.” Viktor pulled the bowl towards himself when it became obvious that Jayce wasn’t going to continue.  He gently took the fork from Jayce and started to eat his fill. He wasn’t wrong, of course, Jayce knew it was a grounding technique, a mindfulness exercise to be present in the moment.

They were silent while Viktor ate, but Jayce did feel better, he realized. His breathing was slower and he didn’t feel like he was going to jump out of his skin if Viktor looked at him. Which, he did, a lot , and Jayce didn’t know why all of a sudden it was something that drove him crazy. His calm only lasted for a brief moment.

When Viktor finished his fill he pushed the bowl off to the side and turned in the chair to face Jayce.

“You are a Submissive.” Viktor said bluntly, so blunt that Jayce nodded at first and then he froze and he felt that hot-white panic flash through him at what Viktor said. Viktor was just continuing the conversation before, but he knew that it wasn’t something that he could hide, not now, not after he’d gone down for Viktor. While he had his internal panic Viktor watched, his expression not unlike the one he wore when he was working through a complicated equation. “Are you able to say that for me?”

“Say– what?” He was back to sounding defeated, feeling defeated.

“That you are a Submissive.”

Jayce ground his teeth together and stared at Viktor.

“I don’t see why I have too.”

Viktor chose not to comment further, he leaned back in his chair and watched Jayce pick at a cuticle and then bounce his knee and then scrap his nails over his slacks. He was the spitting image of anxiety. It wasn’t something that Jayce let himself think about, because thinking about how he was actually a Submissive was a slippery slope. 

“Jayce?” Overcome with his own nervous energy, Viktor shifted in his chair. He leaned forward, bringing them closer together. “Have you never actually let yourself ever be taken care of?” He asked, voice gentle but he couldn’t hold back the pity he felt. Jayce was back to not responding and Viktor felt at his wits end. He straightened from his slouch, brought a hand up to the bridge of his nose and squeezed.

“I want to have a conversation about this, where both of us are stable and both of us are clear headed.” The cadence of his voice was steady, reassuring, even though the words were like fire ants on Jayce’s skin.  “But you haven’t been clear headed in a while Jayce, and I’m beginning to notice a pattern.” Viktor pushed himself up off the chair and closed the short distance between the two of them.. A hand landed on the back of Jayce’s chair for balance and then he was just standing in front of him.

“I want to take care of you.” Viktor leaned forward, he noticed the slouch Jayce performed so that they were even in height. It would have been endearing if the topic was anything else. Jayce looked so lost, felt so lost. “I want to make you feel safe, and I want you to know that I will be there when it’s over. I don’t want to make a mistake, I need you to be aware so we can talk.” His tone was edging into a plea, one that Jayce desperately wanted to follow.

“Look–” Jayce shifted in the chair. He felt like a caged animal, trapped between the table and Viktor’s arm. “I know, Viktor, and I– I want you to. Do that for me I just don’t know how to do it without someone just being mean and wrong and you do these things so right and by the book and you’re so nice and–” His words were starting to blend together with the speed he was talking at and he didn’t want to take a breath.

“By the book?” Viktor repeated, tone flat. “I’m so nice? Jayce, these are not things that are just me servicing you. These are things that you should have experienced before me– do not tell me that you have never experienced these things.” 

Jayce’s silence was deafening, the panicked look was back in his eyes.

Viktor’s knuckles turned white from gripping the chair.

“Jayce–” he was quickly cut off, Jayce’s gaze directed at Viktor’s knees as he spoke.

“No, Viktor I’ve had that before it’s just. It’s been a long time” His swallow was loud and his next sentence was rushed, like if he didn’t get it out in time he was going to die . “I just really don’t want you to – Treat me differently? Or.  Feel like you have to do this. If I don’t have you,  that I won’t be okay because I will be but–” Jayce’s voice cracked and he curled his lip in annoyance but continued his monologue. “I don’t want you to think that I won’t be okay because I don’t want you to worry about me. You don’t need anything else to worry about.”

When he finished, Jayce was breathing heavily, like he just ran up three flights of stairs. 

“Try not to hyperventilate on me.” Viktor said delicately. Jayce wheezed a laugh at him, the adrenaline coursing through his body made him feel loopy. His heart felt like it was going to beat out of his chest.  He leaned forward, the movement put his head between his own knees and forced Viktor to loosen his grip on the back of the chair and step back. 

“We are way past the point of me hyperventilating, Vik” 

“Well, you can at least try to not throw up on the carpet.” He snarked back, tone warm and teasing. 

Jayce squeezed his eyes shut and focused on his breathing, because that wasn’t not a possibility and he really didn’t want to clean up his own vomit again. While he was busy collecting himself, Viktor took the opportunity to speak.

“I think we do need to have a talk. ” Jayce nodded in agreement between his legs then stilled when vertigo swept through him. His fingers – no, his whole body was trembling, and he found he couldn’t control it. He couldn’t control anything anymore.

“I know.” He spoke the words softly and hated the dread that he felt. Viktor placed his hand on the back of his head and pushed his fingers through his hair, the touch serving as a firm reminder that he wasn’t alone and it helped. The nausea passed and Jayce raised his head to look at Viktor. 

Viktor was still looking at him, his expression unreadable. 

His hand pulled away from Jayce and neither of them spoke or moved until a clock chimed somewhere in Viktor’s apartment, declaring the hour. Jayce watched as Viktor rose and quickly followed suit, grabbing the dish before Viktor could. It earned a glare from Viktor.

“Eat more.” Jayce ignored the look, but followed the instructions. He knew he was going on… way too long between an actual decent meal. He shoveled the food into his mouth quickly and made his way to the kitchen. When the dish was cleared, he started cleaning the kitchen. His hands still shook, but the task helped him slip into better headspace, the normalcy dulled the thoughts that raced in his mind. Viktor took the time to change and freshen up, grabbing one of the sweaters Jayce had left months and months ago and when he came back into the kitchen it was spotless. Jayce was back to sitting on the counter where Viktor had begun to mentally refer to as ‘his spot.’

“You still have that?” Jayce asked in greeting and gestured to the sweater. Viktor tilted his head and said nothing, simply pushed it into his lap. Jayce took the hint and slipped the sweater over his head.

“How do you feel about a walk?” Viktor asked. He was dressed like he was ready for a walk whether or not Jayce accompanied him.

“A walk would probably do me some good.” Jayce replied mildly and slipped off the counter. 

“I think a walk would do us both good, Jayce.” Viktor had a soft smile on his face and it took them a few more moments to get their shoes on to make their way out the door into the crisp pre-dawn air. It was just cold enough that Jayce had to slip his hands into the pockets of the sweater, but he didn’t mind the chill.

The chill without snow was calm and grounding, it stung against his face and made him feel present.

He fell into step next to Viktor naturally, both of them quiet. They walked together often, Viktor stating it helped stretch out his hip and Jayce just being a restless individual. They made a good pair in that aspect, especially when Viktor could tell in the lab when Jayce needed to let out steam. It was either go on a walk around the academy or go to the forge, and the forge wasn’t always an option when he was exhausted but unable to sleep.

The path they walked along was well lit and quiet, the only noises being their footsteps and Viktor’s cane. It didn’t take long for Jayce to realize that Viktor was leading them to one of the side gardens, a small alcove at the end of the street that had a perfectly placed bench that overlooked a pond. The silence stayed until they were both situated on the bench, sitting side by side.

Viktor was the one who broke the silence.

“So, Heimerdinger has us doing dioramas for the investors now?”

Jayce had his arms on the back of the bench and his head was tilted backwards, eyes staring at the endless sky above them. He didn’t look directly at Viktor when he responded, but he did tilt his head to peer at him from his peripheral.

“Yeah, he said something about how a visual can win over those who don’t have imaginations.” 

“I can’t tell if that’s an insult to them or our blueprints and sketches.” Viktor murmured. “It’s not a bad idea, I suppose. Do they need to be functioning?”

“Hope not,” Jayce rubbed at his forehead. “I thought making things smaller made them easier but I had to redo a circuit board twice because I kept dropping the damn thing.” Viktor hummed in response and they lapsed back into a comforting silence. Neither of them moved or said anything for an extended period of time, and Jayce welcomed the quiet this time instead of fearing it. 

The sun was starting to rise when Viktor spoke again. His voice was hushed in the quiet of the dawn.

“I would like to have an actual scene with you.”

Jayce blinked up at the sky and then rolled his head to look at Viktor.

“Like, we sit down and talk about what to do and what not to do?"

“Something like that – you said some rather concerning things earlier and I don’t want either of us to regret one.” Viktor looked at Jayce to gauge his reaction, watching Jayce watch him . His breathing stayed level and even, even as his eyes wandered up to stare and think.

“Yeah. I did.” Jayce pursed his lips and brought a hand  up, unconsciously going to scratch at the wound on his cheek. Viktor intercepted his hand before it could touch the it, his fingers wrapped around Jayce’s wrist and directed it down, away from his face. 

“Oh–” His eyes snapped to Viktor’s fingers encircling his wrist and he couldn’t help but stare until the fingers pulled away. He missed their warmth. “Thanks,  I don’t think I’ve… planned a scene since college.” Jayce admitted freely. He didn’t notice Viktor’s brief stunned expression and he continued.  “Usually I just. You know. Wing it.”

Viktor had things to say about that, but he didn’t interrupt Jayce. He was just happy to see that Jayce was talking and relaxed after the hell he had been going through.

“And honestly? Usually that just works , Vik.” Jayce shimmied himself into a more upright position and turned his body to look directly at Viktor. “Do you wing things a lot?” 

Viktor shrugged. “I wing things when it’s a viable option.” 

“What’s a viable option, then?” Jayce asked.

“Is that eagerness I hear, Jayce?” Viktor teased, and he relished the pink on his cheeks.

“Sure, eagerness.” Jayce agreed and leaned into Viktor’s space. “If you listen close enough you’ll hear the curiosity, too.” 

Viktor laughed softly and caught Jayce’s gaze. “We are scientists, we’re supposed to be curious.” Jayce was leaning close enough that he could smell the fresh scent of Viktor’s laundry detergent, close enough that Jayce could rest his forehead on his shoulder comfortably.

“Just answer the damn question,” Jayce complained. He pulled back and Viktor found himself wishing he had the courage to pull Jayce closer and press their thighs together, but he didn’t want to derail the calmness that the other was experiencing.

“A viable option is something that is… natural, something that is grown out of trust and affection.” Viktor said after a moment of silence. “What we did in the lab earlier, I won’t say that was a viable option, that was more like…” He squinted as he thought on how to put his emotions and feelings into words.

“Damage control?” Jayce supplied helpfully. Viktor scowled at the man across from him but didn’t disagree. It was damage control, both of them knew it. 

“I guess that’s the best way to describe it.”

They lapsed into a comfortable silence again, but this time Jayce was the one who broke it.

“I’d…I’d enjoy doing something with you, Viktor.”  Jayce’s thumb and forefinger were rubbing the hem of his sweater. Viktor watched, but it seemed like it wasn’t a movement meant to soothe – more like the movement was helping him think. “I think we… Should talk about you putting me down.” Once the words left Jayce’s mouth he did feel nervous, it wasn’t the cold-dread-fear type of nerves, it was something light, his stomach tingled. 

Viktor couldn’t hide how good that admission made him feel.

“I’d like that a lot, Jayce.”

Around them, the world was starting to wake up, the sun was almost finished breaching the horizon and Jayce pushed himself off the bench. 

“Let’s go talk about it, then!” Jayce declared, holding a hand out to help Viktor up. Viktor took the hand and smiled. 

“Yes, let’s.” 

Chapter Text

As much as the two of them wanted to go back and start the conversation immediately, they knew that it wasn’t an option with the deadlines looming near. Jayce and Viktor went their separate ways, Viktor heading straight to the lab and Jayce heading back to his apartment to change and shower and eat a quick meal. He felt – he wouldn’t say better, but Jayce felt steadier than he had since Viktor had found him.

He didn’t feel nervous about going to the lab until he was already stepping through the door. He found Viktor sitting in Jayce's chair, hunched over Jayce’s desk, Jayce’s goggles over his eyes, but he paused in his soldering when Jayce entered and turned to look.

“Good morning, Jayce.” Viktor greeted, not caring that he was caught in the act of stealing virtually all of Jayce's things, and then he went back to his task. The greeting was anti-climactic, and Jayce found that he didn’t know why he expected Viktor to treat him any differently because of his dynamic, but when he realized that Viktor didn’t lie, that he didn’t care, relief flooded through him.

“Hey, Viktor, busy today?” Jayce let the door shut behind him and sat in Viktor’s chair. Papers were scattered on Viktor’s desk, a letter addressed to Jayce on the top of one. Jayce grabbed it and busied himself with opening it. His eyes wandered while he completed the task, and he squinted and stared when he realized what Viktor was working on. “Are you redoing my soldering job?” 

Viktor sighed in response and pushed the goggles to his forehead. Red imprints lined around his eyes; the bridge of his nose also red from the pressure of them “They were done terribly.” Viktor said and flipped the circuit board so Jayce could see the changes he had made. “You applied too much heat on this one, and didn't use flux on half of the boards.”  Jayce winced internally because, yeah, he was out of it, but now that Viktor knew the reason, he found it didn’t sting as much as it usually would.

“Thank you for fixing them.” Jayce put the letter to the side, the task now abandoned and unfinished, and grabbed at one of the circuit boards in the pile. He scrunched his nose when he saw his job. “Ah, yeah, that wouldn’t have worked, huh?”

“Not unless you know something that I don’t.” Viktor agreed, and he ducked his head to continue the task at hand. Jayce followed his example and got to work on his own tasks.

Throughout the rest of the day Jayce kept finding himself surprised by how clear-headed he felt and how much easier it was to just sit down and get to work. He found that he didn’t get the jumps of anxiety he had been getting for the past months, his heartbeat didn’t randomly decide to increase, and he felt… good. 

He didn’t let himself think about the how’s, or the whys. He didn’t waste a moment, he cherished the feeling, and soon he was completely enraptured with his work. So much so, that he didn’t notice that Viktor approached him, not until he placed a hand on his shoulder. 

“Are you at a good stopping point?” Viktor asked him, peering over his shoulder at the blueprint that Jayce was working on.  His eyes squinted at a measurement, and, without asking, Viktor took the pencil from Jayce’s hand and leaned over his shoulder to erase a number and correct it.

“Oh–” Jayce glanced over the change and nodded, because the numbers were wrong, and Viktor was right. Somehow, they’d caught up on the tasks that they needed to get done, so Jayce was working on something simple to keep his mind busy. “Yeah, I can stop here.” He pushed the blueprint back and grabbed the pencil from Viktor’s grip. “Do you want to grab take out and uh. Talk?” He hadn’t let himself think about it all day, engrossed in the tasks that they had but now that all of it was completed and the possibility of being with Viktor was real and back in his mind, he found that he didn’t know if he could hide his nervous energy.

It wasn’t exactly easy to hide, especially when he stood and nearly tripped over nothing. Viktor shot him look, one of his eyebrows raised, but his tone had humor in it when he spoke.

“You’re buying.” 

“I always buy, Vik.” Was Jayce’s playful reply. They closed up the lab in tandem, the chatter amongst them light and staying on safe topics like Heimerdinger’s new hat he had gotten for his poro and the weather and how annoying the invites to galas were starting to get. The stop to get takeout was quick, and soon they were on their way back to Viktor’s apartment.

“I swear to god Jayce,” Viktor was saying when they arrived at their destination. Jayce was holding the take out bag in one hand and the other held Viktor’s keys. “If we get one more invite that is soaked in some disgustingly floral scent, I am going to find them and teach them the proper way to wear perfume.” The annoyance was evident in Viktor’s tone, but Jayce had a smile on his face when he shouldered the door in and they made their way to the kitchen, their shoes left at the door.

“I would apologize, but I don’t think it would help.” 

“It would help immensely if you told them how to apply perfume.” Viktor leaned against the counter, his cane to the side of him. He worked on unwrapping his sandwich, the noise of paper unwrapping drowned out Jayce’s laughter.

“Oh, so you think I should reply to their invitations with that in there?” Jayce scoffed and sat on the counter with his own meal. “Write something like, ‘Dear Elizabeth, as much as I would truly love to attend a gala in your dead fathers honor, your perfume smells like shit.’” Jayce bit into his own sandwich and watched Viktor cough, his shoulders shook with badly concealed laughter.

“I would not go as far to say that their perfume is shit.” Viktor admonished teasingly. “I would go on to say that she needs to apply less of it. Maybe not even apply it at all.” Jayce rolled his eyes theatrically and pointed his sandwich at Viktor with his sandwich.

“This is why I’m the one who responds to those letters, you know.”

“You are doing us both a favor.”

It wasn’t long until they both had finished eating and the only thing left to do was talk. The kitchen was cleaned up and Viktor was at the sink, washing his hands when he finally raised the subject. 

“How do you normally start your scenes?” 

Jayce was throwing away a stray napkin they’d missed, and the question made him pause. 

“Start a scene?” He parroted back after a few seconds to pull himself together because they were going to talk about it, and he was nervous.

“Start a scene, you know.” Viktor continued, turning off the water. He turned around as he dried his hands off on a dry towel to look at Jayce. “Do you just, I don’t know, go to a bar and pick up the first scumbag you see?”

“Hey.” 

“What? From what you’ve told me they’ve all been horrid Dominants.” He sounded deceptively innocent.

Jayce had to give Viktor that, because of what little Viktor had shown him and what Jayce had told him, he wasn't wrong.

“Alright, got me there.” Jayce conceded, tossing the greasy napkin away finally. “I would… just go to a dive bar, there’s a few I would go and like. Not disguise myself but just make it so it wasn’t…” 

“The Golden Boy of Piltover?” 

“...Yeah, that.” Jayce admitted and he walked back to the counter and sat on it. “It was easy. Some contacts, a mask, kohl around the eyes. And people never assumed it was me.” Admitting this to Viktor felt like he was admitting to a crime. “No one would ever expect me to be there, so no one…Really connected the dots.” At least to Jayce’s knowledge, but he didn’t listen to gossip and chatter that revolved around him. Viktor hummed and tilted his head, his hair swept to the side as he looked at Jayce. He didn't move it off his forehead.

“I don’t think anyone has either,” Viktor confirmed. “I would have heard at least a little of the gossip. People think that I don’t have ears, sometimes.” His shoulders raised with his next inhale he seemed to think over his next sentence before he spoke.

“How did they go, typically?”

Jayce licked his lips and started to pick at a hangnail. 

“I’d pick someone up at a bar, they’d take me to the bathroom and fuck my throat and, I don’t know. Handle me rough? Give me bruises and like scratches.” He was successful at picking off the hangnail and blood pooled. He popped his now-bleeding finger into his mouth. “Sometimes it’d get rougher than that– especially when the bars would have lounges or rooms, but I didn’t let people take me home.”

Viktor was watching him carefully. When he noticed the bloodied finger, he grabbed a clean napkin from their stack on the counter and held it out to Jayce. Jayce accepted the napkin and removed his finger from his mouth and pressed the napkin to it. It wasn’t bleeding a lot, but Viktor knew how badly those hurt if they ever got infected.

“Did you ever get aftercare?” Viktor asked, and Jayce laughed. It sounded much sharper than he intended.

“No– they never would give me that, Vik.” He at least had the guts to still be able to look over at Viktor, to be able to face the pity that Viktor was trying to hide. “Sometimes I’d kneel in my room, or the lab when I… really was unstable.” He spoke quietly, and he watched Viktor piece together the last time he had caught Jayce on his knees in the lab.

Jayce had sputtered something about dropping a gear, and Viktor didn’t question how nervous he looked or how high strung he had been for the rest of the day. Jayce just was that way, sometimes, and he had learned early, but now, Viktor wondered how much of his behavior was because of what he had learned. How much had Jayce suffered because he didn't let himself indulge in his instincts?

“I see.” Viktor said the word dragged out, and he was letting it go unsaid that Jayce’s lies from before had been figured out. “Would you rather I tell you what I want to do to you, or would you rather it be a surprise?” Jayce furrowed his brow and shook his head. He didn’t think that if he knew what was coming it would make it easier– if anything, the anxiety of knowing what to come would drive him crazy. 

“I don’t want to know. Just…” He pursed his lips. “I don’t know how I’m gonna react, if I’ll be honest. It’d been years, Vik.” Jayce removed the napkin from his finger and gave it a once over, pleased when he noticed the blood coagulated. “Mel was the last one who truly put me under but, she’s adynamic, you know?” 

“Mel?”

“Ah, yeah.” Jayce started to play with the napkin in his hands, his eyes now on it. “Most of the big politicians are, something about less distractions?” He shrugged and picked at the corners of the napkin, began the delicate process of shredding it. “I didn’t know that. But Mel did good, we just… she’s good, just not what I wanted. What we both wanted."

Viktor squinted at Jayce and nodded at his answer – he wasn’t here for gossip, even if it was interesting. He wanted to know more about Jayce and his usual experiences. 

“How do you feel about titles?” 

“I like to use them.” Jayce said firmly. His eyes were still on the napkin. “It helps me get into the mindset. Can I call you Sir?” He looked up and suddenly he felt shy and like he was under a spotlight with the look that Viktor was giving him. 

“Of course, or you can use my name.” Viktor waggled his hand in a so-so gesture in front of himself. “I can go either way, I don’t typically punish Submissives for forgetting a title.”

“Ah– that’s… good?” Jayce guessed and flushed when Viktor laughed, soft and wheezy and perfect. 

“Sure.” He agreed. “It can be good.” Viktor pushed himself up off the lip of the sink and resituated himself so that he was next to Jayce. “I don’t think I can hurt you the way you want to, not yet. I don’t…” He sighed and thought over his next sentence because Viktor could hurt Jayce the way he wanted to. He had the tools and the imagination, but he didn’t want their first time to be like the ones before that Jayce had sought out. He didn’t want Jayce to be in pain during their scene.

“I don’t feel comfortable with it.”

Jayce was silent after hearing the admission, but his expression didn’t change. “You don’t have to hurt me; Mel didn’t hurt me.” What Mel had given Jayce was comfort and calm and serenity. He had left their only scene with his head level and full of thoughts and ideas and eager to continue life. But that had been so long ago, and she didn’t know that he had the habit of finding less-than-ideal Dominants. He found he didn't want to think of her, not now.

“That… makes me feel better.” Viktor murmured.  “A few more things and then we can go to the living room, I promise.” Viktor placed a hand on Jayce’s thigh and squeezed, and Jayce smiled softly at Viktor. The Napkin in his hands was now fully shredded, and Viktor moved to scoop the shreds out of his palm.

“I personally do not want to orgasm during our first scene. I don’t particularly like it.” Viktor spoke while he gathered the scraps from Jayce’s hand. “Do you want to? I don’t know if your scenes are sexual in nature for you, even if you were giving blow jobs.” The napkin ended up in a pile next to Viktor and now, Jayce was left to play with his fingers again as he thought it over. He’d never really viewed Submission as a sexual act– for much of the population it simply wasn’t. But Jayce found that there was a tickle of ‘what-if’ in the back of his mind.

He couldn’t say that he hated the idea.

“I…I don’t normally uh,” he spread his hands and shrugged his shoulders, his cheeks pink. “Orgasm during Submission? It doesn’t make me think of that, really.” Viktor admitting that he didn’t enjoy it, that it wasn't a need, made it easier to talk about this, to think about it. 

“So, if you got hard, do you care if I acknowledge it or would you rather, I just ignore it?”

Jayce clasped his hands together and he couldn’t keep himself still anymore. “I wouldn’t mind if you acknowledged it, can we go from there? I’m not against you making me cum, Viktor. I know you wouldn’t like…” His foot started a steady bounce against the cabinet below him and suddenly he felt nervous.  “Hurt me, I guess?” 

It was a loaded statement, but Viktor stared at Jayce and slowly nodded his head.

“You’d safe word if you needed to?” 

“Oh, yeah, definitely.” Jayce nodded and leaned forward. “I went to sleazy bars, not like… back alleys, so I’m still good with safe words.” The look Viktor gave him was scathing and Jayce raised his hands in defense. “I mean it! I’ll safe word, you can trust me on this, Viktor.”

“I do trust you.” Viktor said, nudging at Jayce’s thigh with his elbow. “That's why I asked, just to make sure.” He pushed himself off the counter and grabbed his cane. “Let’s go and get started– wash your hands before you come out, use the bathroom, whatever you need to do to get ready.” Viktor walked his way to the living room and Jayce waited until he was far enough away before he swallowed and leaned back on the counter. His stomach was in a knot of nerves, but he found himself pulling himself together and doing what Viktor asked.

He washed his hands, slipped into the restroom to relieve himself and borrowed toothpaste and a toothbrush to get rid of the taste of dinner lingering in his teeth. He thought it over, then pulled his shirt off at the last moment, and he found himself with a tremor in his hands when he left the side bathroom and made his way to the living room. 

Viktor was standing there, his cane set to the side and while he was in the bathroom, Viktor had prepared. He had also freshened up and made sure to be clean, and now that he was standing there, looking at him so expectantly Jayce felt like he was going to lose his nerve.

“Jayce, come here.” Viktor gestured him closer, and Jayce found himself walking forward even though he wasn’t sure anymore. But Viktor didn’t make him do anything, he didn’t grab him by his neck and pull him close or anything, he just watched Jayce. 

Jayce didn’t know what was worse, the watchful gaze or a mean grip in his hair. He finally took in what Viktor was holding and the black leather gloves he was wearing, his mouth going dry at the sight of them. In Viktor’s hands were leather cuffs, they were lined with soft material to not leave marks and when he noticed them, Jayce felt his wrists tingle in anticipation. 

“How are you feeling?” Viktor asked, his voice soft.

“Nervous.” Jayce admitted, because he knew he couldn’t hide it, not from Viktor. “I still want to do this, I know I do, my mind just…” He trailed off, and Viktor finished the thought for him, tone gentle.

“Do you think it's going to be like everything else?”

“...Yeah, that, I guess.” Jayce rubbed a hand down his face, leaving it on his jaw. “I know it’s not, Vik, I know it’s not, I just get this way before every scene, but then I start and.” He closed his eyes and inhaled, held it for a moment and then exhaled. “And usually I have contacts in– I never thought that it would feel wrong because I didn’t have shit in my eyes.”

“We can go and get the contacts if it’d make you feel better.” Viktor offered, because if it was something as easy as contacts to soothe Jayce, he would do it, even if he’d miss Jayce’s amber eyes. 

“Jesus– Vik, no.” Jayce was touched at the thought, but the idea of having something tied to what he’s done before, for anything, was even more anxiety inducing. “I can do this; we can do this.” He didn’t know if he was encouraging himself, or Viktor, or both at this point.

“I trust you.” Viktor said simply and spun his finger in a circle. “Turn around.”

Jayce swallowed and felt like he was looking into a body of water so deep he couldn’t see the bottom and all he saw was blue and black and purple. But he complied, he turned around and took a step backwards to be closer to Viktor so he wouldn’t need to walk forward.

“Good.”

The single word washed over Jayce like a balm, and instead of Jayce looking at the body of water he felt his chest loosen and could see the bottom. Viktor’s gloved hands ghosted over his shoulders and the knobs of his spine. They settled on his waist and the hold felt intimate, like he was a lover and not a Submissive.

“Give me your wrists.” Viktor ordered, and Jayce moved his wrists behind him without any more fuss. “We are starting the scene, you’ll call me Sir and you’ll keep eye contact with me when you can, understand?”

Jayce blinked. He'd never had anyone announce that the scene was starting.

“Jayce?”

He inhaled and flexed his fingers. “Yes, Sir.”

“Good boy,” Viktor placed a kiss on his shoulder and Jayce felt his knees go weak at the gesture. The cuffs were put on him in a steady, practiced movement and Jayce felt Viktor tug on each one. He loosened one and then wiggled them again.

“Too tight?” Viktor asked, his voice close to Jayce’s ear.

“No– not too tight, Sir.” They were looser than he normally wore bindings, truthfully, but he wasn’t going to admit that, not now.

“You’ll tell me if you need them off.” It wasn’t a question, it was an order, but Jayce found himself nodding in confirmation. “Turn around.”

Jayce turned around and jumped back a bit when he realized that Viktor was so close that he had to crane his neck down. Viktor was looking up at him, a smile on his lips. He didn’t know if the smile soothed his anxiety or made it worse, and then Viktor put his hand on his shoulder.

“Kneel for me, Jayce.” The command was soft and gentle, and it made Jayce want to burst into tears. Instead, he kneeled. It was work to crane his head up and to keep himself from resting his chest on Viktor, but the praise that he received made the strain on his body worth it. 

“You look so perfect like this.” Viktor rubbed his hand over Jayce’s hair, petting the strands back. “Like you were made to be on your knees for me.” 

Jayce just stared up at him, his longing starting to show in his expression. 

Viktor moved his hand from Jayce’s hair to cup his hand around Jayce’s jaw, on the side of where the cut was, firm and the touch felt sure, so right, it was intoxicating. Viktor wasn’t shying around the wound, his index finger stroked centimeters away from where the skin was split. The movement was slow, the leather caught against the moisture on his cheek, but Jayce didn’t wince back, instead he closed his eyes, relaxed into the touch. Already disobeying Viktor to see if he could get a rise out of him.

“Ah,” Viktor tutted, and waited to see if Jayce would open his eyes to look at him. He didn’t, and Viktor couldn’t hide the affectionate look he had on his face. His finger began a slow rhythm, a warning that he assumed Jayce would heed but Jayce’s eyes didn’t flutter open, and Viktor saw the start of a smile. Jayce knew that Viktor didn’t want to hurt him, but there was a tickle in his gut, and he wondered what Viktor would do if he was pushed so brazenly.

“Jayce?” He tilted his head and watched as Jayce thought over the request, questioning whether he wanted to open his eyes and be good, or if he wanted to choose to be problematic. The grip on Jayce’s face tightened, and for a brief moment it felt like he was kneeling in a fire and flames were licking up his arms. It felt right, so Jayce angled his cheek up into the leather. Viktor didn’t move his finger, his eyes fixated on the skin below it dip, giving into the pressure.

“Oh.” 

Viktor breathed the sound out, a tight feeling in his chest. The finger was pressed firmly into the scab and Jayce wanted it to split, wanted the pain that came from it — But Viktor wouldn’t give him it, even though the sight gave him a rush. He didn’t allow himself to apply more pressure or rub his finger in a circle like he wanted to, not without worrying that he’d be making it heal worse. He pulled his hand back and tangled his fingers in Jayce’s hair, which finally caused him to open his eyes. They were still alert and focused when they locked onto Viktor’s.

“Don’t close your eyes, not right now,” Viktor instructed. “I want you to know that it’s me.”  

Jayce let himself smile.

He couldn’t remember the time that he smiled in a scene and meant it.

“How could I forget it’s you, Sir?” He wiggled his head, the movement pulled at strands of hair and felt divine, but Viktor removed his hand from Jayce again. He wouldn’t allow Jayce to hurt himself using him, not unless Viktor chose to. He brought his hand back a moment later to trace down the bridge of Jayce’s nose. He could see that Jayce was getting antsy, like he wasn’t used to the calm before the storm. 

“You’re a bit of a brat.”

Jayce let himself hinge forward by the hips, as steady as he could, though without his hands, he wasn’t able to catch himself. His chin met the front of Viktor’s hip with a thud, and from this position his neck was craned backwards, his adams apple bobbed when he swallowed. He couldn’t get enough of Viktor like this, his brain was starting to get foggy. If his hands were free Jayce didn't think he could ever forgive himself if he didn’t wrap his arms around Viktor’s legs and bury himself between the warmth that settled there.

“Good, Jayce,” Viktor murmured. “I knew you could be good.”

So, Jayce pressed himself as close as he could to Viktor, his eyes open, because he was good, and looking up with worship and want. He didn’t feel like he was going down, but right now he just felt greedy, his thoughts felt muddled. He wanted to take Viktor and keep him for himself, now and forever and in all existences. It felt like if he didn’t take everything that he could right now, then it would be gone, and there would be no more.

Viktor watched Jayce and pushed his hand through his dark hair. 

“Your knees are good?” 

Jayce shifted back, disconnected their touch, his mental lifeline, but he felt good, and bad and like he was going to snap in two.

“Fine,” he responded, since the question wasn’t about how he felt mentally, but the sudden clench at the roots of his hair and the pull made him inhale sharply. Finally, he thought, he was used to this, the heat of his scalp soothed something inside of him, but he couldn’t sink into it. Not with how persistent the eye contact with Viktor was, staring into his soul with his eyes.

“I retract my previous statement.” His tone was light. “You’re just a brat.” His other hand wrapped neatly around Jayce’s neck. His fingers began to tap a pattern, he seemed to think for a moment and then Viktor squeezed, just a quick tense and release. Jayce reacted immediately, whether he knew it or not, his pupils dilated, and his mouth dropped open.

“Fine, Sir, they’re fine.” Jayce was quick on the correction now, his eyes stared up at Viktor, and he was begging so hard with his eyes that he wouldn’t be surprised if he grew ears and a tail.

“Good, you really do want to be good, don’t you?” Viktor examined quietly. His hand rubbed down Jayce’s neck, and then Viktor’s thumb found a still-healing bruise and pressed in, hard. The noise Jayce made was carnal and his eyes fluttered close, but it was only for a moment before they snapped back open. 

“I want to be good, yeah, Sir,” Jayce sounded breathless. He wanted Viktor to do everything to him, he wanted to be burned and kissed and spit on and cherished. The eye contact was quickly becoming something that made him feel woozy, a rush in his blood, like a head high. Viktor smiled, a private thing, and walked around Jayce, who followed his movement like he was a cat with their prey.

He watched Viktor’s movement as much as he could without moving his head, and then when Viktor walked out of line of his sight, he craned his head to look behind him. Viktor had pulled a chair from the dining room earlier and now Jayce could see he was lowering himself to sit. Beside him was a small folding table, various… things that Jayce couldn’t decipher sitting on it.

“Come.” Viktor gestured between his knees. “Back facing me, legs between the chair legs. It’ll be an awkward movement, but I trust you can figure out how to do it.”

Jayce stared at him for a moment, and then he realized Viktor did expect him to knee walk over. Color bloomed on his cheeks, but he complied. It was an awkward movement, he was sure he was going to have some form of rug burn on his kneecaps, but when he was situated where Viktor gestured, he found that he was bracketed by his legs and his back was resting against the cool wood of the chair. It was safe, it felt right, especially when Viktor had ensured that he had a pad to kneel on

“Comfortable?” Viktor checked, the back of his gloved fingers trailing along the length of Jayce’s spine.

“As much as I can be, Sir,” Jayce replied. His head was tilted to the side, his curiosity and want and need not wanting to let Viktor out of his sight now. 

“Mmn, good.” There was a noise that he couldn’t place behind him and Jayce found himself wiggling, trying to see what was going on. “Eyes forward.” Viktor said flatly, and Jayce stilled and then followed the instructions.

Nothing happened for an extended period, and Jayce started to feel restless, like maybe he should remind Viktor that he was in the middle of doing something, but then Jayce felt fire against the top of his spine, and he jerked forward.  He was caught by Viktor’s hand on the front of his throat, dry and firm and the leather cool to the touch. It kept him from escaping the sensation.

“Sir–” his voice caught, and he inhaled and then he felt the cold-hot drag down his spine, knocking against the knobs and leaving a cool path in its wake. It followed the trail of Viktor’s touch from the moment before, and the difference between texture of leather and—whatever this was made his stomach lurch. He knew Viktor wouldn’t have burned him. There wasn’t anything hot on that tray, but it felt so surreal, like his skin had wires crossed. 

“Don’t hold your breath, Jayce.” Viktor reminded him gently, pressing the object harder against his back with his palm. Jayce exhaled explosively, felt as the object dissipated and left water dripping down his spine to soak into the hem of his slacks. It was just an ice cube, he finally realized, not expecting the rush of relief.  It wasn’t something that would scar, it wasn’t something that would leave a mark and make him remember it for nights to come.  He didn’t want to be marked, not yet, and the thought of that even being a possibility tonight spiked his heart rate. Viktor still had his hand on his throat, the thumb against his pulse had felt the way his heart had started to hammer, and Viktor tightened his grip in, what he hoped was, a reassuring squeeze. It helped Jayce reorient himself to the present, to the now.

“Good, so good for me, aren’t you?” Another noise behind him and Viktor’s free hand pressed against his lips. The cold of an ice cube pressed against them and Jayce hesitated before he opened his mouth, obeying the silent instruction. The ice slipped between his teeth and onto his tongue and he could feel a brain freeze coming quickly when he closed his mouth.

“No, keep your mouth open.” Viktor didn’t pull his hand back from Jayce’s lips, instead his fingers stroked over them. “Swallow when you need to.”  He felt the noise that Jayce made in his palm against his neck, he loosened to accommodate the need to swallow, and for a moment he wished that he had the foresight to do this in front of a mirror so he could see Jayce’s reactions. He settled for the sensation of Jayce swallowing, the profile of his face and the erratic eye contact from the corner of his eyes. Jayce’s breath was coming in uneven inhales and by the time the ice melted, his tongue was numb, and his mind was humming with a nervous energy of what was to come.

Viktor’s hand against his lips moved lower down his body, ghosting over his sternum and he scooted forward on the chair, so his chest was pressed along the length of Jayce’s back. In this position he was able to hook his weaker leg around Jayce and it ended up pressing against the inside of his thigh. Jayce exhaled a whimper and the anxiety in his mind heighted and morphed into a want and a need that only rose higher when Viktor nosed at Jayce’s temple and pressed a kiss to his cheek bone. And Jayce wanted and wanted and wanted –

But suddenly, Viktor pulled back, and his leg left Jayce’s thigh and the lips against his skin left and the only thing holding him was the hand around his neck, an unyielding presence that reminded him of a collar.  He didn’t have time to even think about the flurry of sensation and thoughts in his mind before another white-hot-cold flash of ice pressed against his body, this time on his rib cage, causing goosebumps to rise over his skin and his nipples to harden. He didn’t make a noise intentionally, but he couldn’t help the jerk, couldn’t help how he tried to wiggle from it and the gasp that left him. The hand around his neck kept him close, didn't let him escape the sensation.

Like before, Viktor held the ice to his skin until it melted fully and Jayce could have sworn it was laced with magic or science, or something, the way it felt like it was burning him. Viktor, not knowing the turmoil brewing within Jayce, continued. He smeared the moisture up, over Jayce’s nipples and then down his stomach. The leather felt slick, and Jayce’s skin was flushed pink under his touch, his muscles trembling. It felt cold and sterile, and he realized that the lack of skin contact was starting to drive him crazy. He wanted to feel the calluses on Viktors hands and feel the warmth, he didn’t want the cool touch, not anymore.

“Take the gloves off, Sir,” Jayce’s voice was pitched higher than normal, strained and begging. Viktor removed his hand immediately at the request and pulled the glove off with his teeth. He was so bad at voicing his wants and needs throughout everything, Viktor would give him the world if he requested it.  “I wanna feel you, I want to–” Jayce’s mouth snapped shut and he leaned forward, forcing the pressure to increase against his throat. Because he didn’t know what else to do or expect. He didn’t beg, he didn’t like to, but he found himself wanting to, to let Viktor know.

His skin itched, the pressure on his neck wasn’t enough to keep the anxiety and thoughts at bay. He wanted it to hurt, wanted it to be rough and Viktor was being too kind, he never felt like he deserved the kindness of others, so he didn’t know how or why he was being given this now. The ice helped, it felt like cigarettes on his skin, what he wanted, what he deserved. It’s why he never went to anyone he cared about, why he never let anyone see him this way. They were always so nice, too nice and he didn’t want that.

From behind, Viktor didn’t notice the spiral starting, but he did notice Jayce clenching and unclenching his hands into fists, that soothing tense and release of muscles a tell-tale sign that something wasn’t truly right. 

“Jayce?” Viktor moved closer again, Jayce could feel Viktor’s breath on his cheek. “Jayce, are you with me?” The question made Jayce want to scream because yes, he was with Viktor, he was right here on his knees with his wrists bound behind him but there was that tiny tickle of fear that it was just a delusion. That this was something that only existed on Shimmer, or a hyperactive imagination, or a nightmare and– fuck.

“Yellow–” Jayce choked out, anxiety crashing over him like a tidal wave. “Vik- Viktor, I need to see you, please.”

Chapter Text

“Yellow–” Jayce choked out, anxiety crashing over him like a tidal wave. “Vik- Viktor, I need to see you.”

Viktor moved into action immediately when his mind registered what Jayce had said. He stood from the chair, ignored the twinge of pain from his hip at the sudden movement and leaned forward into Jayce’s line of sight.  His ungloved hand rested on Jayce’s shoulder, and he pulled off the other glove with his teeth again, not caring about damaging the leather.

“Jayce, here, can you look at me?” Jayce’s eyes were wide, the corners of his mouth pinched down with badly concealed panic and discontent, but he listened. His eyes found Viktor’s and Viktor made a soothing noise, his own chest tight with anxiety. With both hands free from the leather, he cupped Jayce’s jaw and leaned further over to press a kiss to his forehead.

“You are doing so well.” When he pulled back and licked his lips, he tasted the sweat that had broken out on Jayce’s forehead. He kept a hand on Jayce’s face and with the other hand he quickly undid the bindings, thankful that his past self had the foresight to use the ones that had a quick release feature. “You are perfect, Jayce.” Viktor continued the praise, the gentle tone grounded Jayce and he could feel himself start to orient.

“So good for me, look at me, hmm?”  Viktor smoothed his hair back, and Jayce felt like he was going to cry, because he had ruined the scene after he had told Viktor that he could do it and he would behave. The shame made it hard to speak, his throat spasmed when he swallowed and when he opened his mouth to speak, he was mortified by the sound he let out.

“Viktor—” he gasped and swallowed and tried again, his voice pitchy and uneven and slurred. “Please, I’m so sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—”

“Enough, Jayce.” Viktor interrupted. The look on his face was something Jayce didn’t think he deserved, he felt like he was ruining everything.

“I ruined it, Viktor, I ruined it, and I told you that I could—”

Viktor put a hand over Jayce’s mouth when he realized what state of mind Jayce was in. He was prepared for this, but he didn’t think it would happen so quickly. He scooted the chair back, careful of his own balance and Jayce’s legs, and moved so that he was in front of Jayce instead of behind him. The whole time, Jayce was staring at Viktor with his brow furrowed and his chest was rising and falling in quick, erratic breaths.

“Jayce, baby, look at me, really look at me.” Viktor had to shift his hold when he walked around Jayce but like this, a hand cupping Jayce’s cheek and a gentle hand on his mouth, it was easier to soothe and track his emotions. “You did not ruin anything; you told me you would safe word if you needed to.” Viktor reminded him, his thumb stroking gently over his cheek. “You did what you told me, and I trust you, we don’t have to be done with the scene.”

The words had an immediate effect on Jayce. His eyes closed and he inhaled through his nose sharply, and the anxiety that had him by his throat started to loosen and crack. Viktor removed his hand from over Jayce’s mouth and watched him pull back together.

“I—I’m sorry.” It was the only thing that Jayce could think of to say.

“I do not want you to be sorry,” Viktor murmured. “I will accept your apology, I will thank you for it, since I know you think that you need to apologize.” He found himself cupping Jayce’s face in his palms again. “But I don’t want it, I don’t need it.”

His eyes never left Jayce’s and when Jayce opened his own, he was shocked by the affection that was so evident in them. The thoughts of other’s rough hands and hateful words still taunted him in the recess of his mind but seeing Viktor, seeing his mouth move and the words that left it being good and full of praise shoved them further and further away.  Each breath felt like he was crawling further and further out of the pit of despair he suddenly found himself in.

“I don’t know what else I can say right now, Viktor.” Jayce admitted. “I just feel like all of this went to shit because—of me and—”

“Stop, Jayce.” Viktor pursed his mouth and shook his head, and Jayce felt his stomach tighten again because he was ruining it again and again.

“You haven’t ruined anything, Jayce.” Jayce exhaled loudly and dropped his head so that he could rest against Viktor. “You said a safe word not… an insult, or a hard stop. You needed a break, hm?”  Viktor pushed his fingers through Jayce’s hair, scraping his fingernails against his scalp in a soothing motion. “We are okay, it’s okay to need a break and to recollect yourself, you know?”

Jayce hummed in confirmation, to let him know that he did know that, but they both knew it was a lie.

“Why don’t we move to the couch?” Viktor suggested after a beat of silence. Jayce was deadweight against him now and Viktor could feel his lower back starting to complain with the effort he had to exert to support him. He didn’t respond verbally, but Jayce did lift himself, palming at his mouth.

“Can I kneel still?” He still felt shaky, he was so close to that hazy happy feeling that Viktor was able to coach out of him, and he wanted it so badly.  

“I think we can arrange that, come.”

Jayce grabbed the hand that Viktor held out, even though it wasn’t necessarily needed for him to pull himself up to his full height. Once he was standing and steady, Viktor guided him to the couch. It didn’t take long until they were situated, Viktor sitting on the couch and Jayce on a kneeling pad in front of him Jayce felt… a little better, he realized. His heart was still beating quickly and he still felt unbalanced and like he was moments away from disaster, but Viktor hadn’t stopped touching him, or saying soothing things and he found that it was being kept at bay because of Viktor.

“We’re not done yet, Jayce.” Viktor said unprompted, and Jayce didn’t understand why he said it until he realized he was holding his breath.

“I know, Viktor, I just—feel, you know, not great.”

“Do you want to stop?”

“No—no. No, we don’t need to stop.” Jayce stumbled over his words, and Viktor nodded and gestured Jayce to come closer. His knees spread and Jayce scooted forward and when he was as close as he could be, his kneecaps hitting the front of the couch, Viktor leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. The kiss lasted only seconds, but Jayce cherished it.

“Then we don’t need to stop. I trust you, Jayce.”

Viktor was looking down at Jayce now, the hand on Jayce’s shoulder stroked up his neck, his jaw.  “Did you want to talk about it?" He brushed a thumb over that peculiar scar on Jayce’s eyebrow, keeping the touch as steady and predictable as he could. Jayce only stared at him and Viktor found himself wondering if he knew how vulnerable he looked at that moment, how much Jayce knew he communicated with his eyes. How much he could see that Jayce had an urge to please him.

“We can continue.” Jayce finally said, his tone was reserved. “I don’t want to talk about it, not now.” And since Viktor had told him that he trusted him earlier, he continued.  The hand in Jayce’s hair tightened and he leaned forward. Jayce watched him approach for as long as he could until his eyes started to cross from the closeness. He blinked and reoriented his gaze on the ceiling instead while Viktor nudged at his cheek with his nose.

“To think that I can have you like this.” Viktor’s breath ghosted over Jayce’s cheek and jaw and lips, and Jayce swallowed. He didn’t exactly know if this was better for him, but he was surrounded by Viktor and he was overwhelmed with an indescribable urge.  “Do you know how you look at me, Jayce? You try so hard to hide the want that you experience, but it’s so clear in your eyes.” Jayce felt Viktor’s lips against the underside of his jaw, soft, gentle, a stark contrast to the tight pain on his scalp. The words made Jayce’s stomach twist and flutter; the touch made it feel like he swallowed molten metal. 

“Sir–” Jayce’s stuttered reply changed to a moan when Viktor pressed his teeth into Jayce’s jaw and bit down.

“No– don’t call me Sir, not anymore.” He pressed a kiss to the mark he left, and Jayce inhaled sharply. “Call me by my name now.” 

“Yes, Viktor.” Jayce felt like he was balancing over a cliff, the knuckles on his hands turned white when he clenched them into fists but when Viktor continued, they relaxed.

“I get to see you, strong and confident with the investors and now I get to see you here, on your knees.” Chaste kisses followed the line of his jaw with a pause to lick at the bite mark and then they continued up his face, to his cheek bone. Now, all Jayce could see was Viktor, their gazes met, and Jayce opened his mouth to say something, anything, but all that he could manage was a desperate moan. He wanted to be strong and confident for Viktor, he wanted to be this way for him and him alone.

 “I get to see you on your knees,” Viktor repeated, staring so direct into his own eyes, Jayce didn’t know if he wanted him to continue because he didn’t know if he could keep himself on the cliff any longer. “Strong, and confident, so pretty and good and all for me.” The anxiety in Jayce’s chest snapped, and then he was jumping off the cliff. Jayce moved in a flurry of motion, his hands grappled at the couch for purchase and Jayce pushed himself up to connect his lips with Viktor’s. In desperation he missed his target first, his mouth pressed into Viktor’s cheek, but a hand at his chin redirected him and he moaned when their lips connected fully.

The kiss was wet, Jayce was panting against Viktor’s mouth and Jayce was using too much teeth in his eagerness, but Viktor easily took control of it, slowing him down. He slanted his mouth, caught Jayce’s lower lip between his teeth and bit, and Jayce felt heat course through his body. It was everything that Jayce wanted, he tasted Viktor and sweet and he found that he needed it, needed to be inside of Viktor. During the kiss, Viktor released Jayce’s hair, slid his hand down to cup the back of his neck and Jayce moved his hands to Viktor’s thighs and dug his fingers in.

Viktor pulled back, his hand on Jayce’s neck didn’t allow Jayce to follow like he wanted to. Jayce’s breathing was labored but it wasn’t with anxiety, it was a craving, a demand to take and take and take. His pupils were blown out with want and need. 

“You get to be so good for me, don’t you?” Viktor leaned forward on the couch, grateful for the extra pillows he had put behind him to support his back. “You want to be so good for me.” The position brought their foreheads together, close and intimate and it was Viktor’s turn to feel the twist of need in his chest. He couldn’t keep his hands off Jayce, fingers ghosted over his lip and Jayce’s tongue lapped over them. His brain felt warm and fuzzy, and he just wanted to do anything for Viktor, do anything to please him and keep him close.

“Yes, Viktor,” Jayce whined, his eyes still locked on Viktor’s, like he was under a spell. “Yes, gods, Viktor.” He panted the words, emotion raw in his tone. The urge of want, to take and to get close reared its head again and this time, Jayce didn’t think he could handle not succumbing to at least one of the urges. “You have no idea how much I want to be good for you, I just want to– I want to be the only one allowed to touch you, Viktor, I want you to be the only one who can do this to me.” Jayce swallowed, his throat clicked, and he dropped his jaw, and his tongue darted out to lap at the pads of Viktor’s fingers. “I want you inside me and I want to be the one inside of you.” 

Viktor sucked in a sharp breath, but didn’t react otherwise.

What Jayce said could have been taken sexually, but Viktor took it as a sign that he was slipping fast into Subspace. The filter on Jayce’s thoughts dropping, Jayce had shifted closer to him, and Viktor let him but tightened the hand on his neck, a gentle reminder of their dynamic. It made Jayce’s head spin, made him want to crawl on the couch and be claimed and taken and he yearned. 

The look in Viktor’s eyes was driving Jayce insane.

“Such bold words.” Viktor removed the touch from Jayce’s jaw, watched as Jayce tried so hard to follow, cherished the noise that Jayce made when he couldn’t. “Open your mouth for me, good, keep it open.” Jayce had opened his mouth immediately, and Viktor was above him and then his fingers were pressing against his tongue like the day before.

This time, they tasted like soap and something viscerally Viktor, and Jayce felt tears in his eyes when Viktor pushed the tips of his fingers under his tongue and massaged along his bottom teeth. Viktor leaned forward and opened his own mouth. A strand of his spit dangled between the two of them, hung in the air, and Jayce whined with anticipation before he felt it land resolutely on the corner of his lips.

Viktor took his fingers out of Jayce’s mouth and scooped his own spit back into it, fingers going deep into Jayce’s throat. He didn’t gag this time, but he couldn’t stay quiet, every breath from his nose accompanied by a whine.

“Is this what you wanted?” Viktor asked, not unkindly. His fingers pulled out, covered in a mix of their spit and they grabbed his chin. Jayce was feeling wrecked beneath him, the taste of Viktor so heavy in his mouth and coating his tongue and his throat, the idea of his saliva being inside him made him want more.

“I’ll take anything you give me, Viktor.” Jayce panted and nudged his face down. Viktor took the silent cue and released his chin and his neck and cupped Jayce’s face in his palms. There were spots of color on Jayce’s cheeks, his lips were red and bitten and coated in saliva, smeared at the corners of his mouth and he looked like everything that Viktor had dreamed about. In that moment, Jayce was focused on Viktor, and Viktor only, he wasn’t thinking about what had happened before him. 

It fueled a fire in him.

“Anything you give me is perfect, Jayce.” Viktor assured him. The praise washed over Jayce, made him feel like he was underwater, but this time it was warm, and he was safe.

Viktor kissed him again, he set the pace slow and relaxed. His tongue licked the inside of Jayce’s mouth, and Jayce whined and raised his body to get closer, hands grabbing Viktor’s thighs and then his neck before settling into Viktor’s hair. He was clutching Viktor like a lifeline, and Viktor was slowing him down, kissing him deeper and with more intent until Jayce began to match his pace.

They disconnected with a wet sound, neither of them paid attention to the strand of spit that connected them and then popped. Jayce’s eyes were lidded, cheeks flushed, the blush went down his neck and shoulders and partway down his chest. Viktor’s eyes followed the coloring, down to Jayce’s neck, his nipples and then his belly and then he noticed the signs of Jayce’s arousal between his legs.

“Just from kisses, Jayce?” Viktor teased and Jayce’s blush flushed from dusty pink to scarlet.

“I– Well. Yeah.” Jayce said lamely. “And the spit.” His brain was mush, and he could only think of Victor and his lips and how much he was wanted.  His cock was noticeably straining against the zipper of his slacks, and he could feel tackiness from how much he was leaking. Viktor made a thoughtful noise and gently pushed Jayce back, shifting his body so that instead of Jayce between his own knees he was situated with Viktor’s stronger leg between his knees. 

“Do you want to cum?” Viktor asked, his hands still cupping Jayce’s face. Jayce swallowed; his eyes darted from Viktor’s own eyes to his shoulder then his lips.  Knowing that they talked about this, that Viktor assured him that it would be okay made the anxiety of sex and orgasming feel manageable. He could see the positives to the whole not “winging-it” side of this all, and he found himself giddy with the anticipation of what was next.

“Jayce?” 

“I do.” Jayce responded, eyes still on Viktor’s lips.

“You do, what?” Viktor pressed. He put a hand on Jayce’s chin, tilted his gaze up.

“I want to cum, Viktor.” It was spoken almost too quietly, but it was enough.  Viktor hummed at the admission and planted the foot between Jayce’s thighs. He scooted forward on the couch cushion, ensuring that Jayce would have enough room to get off and then he moved his hand from Jayce’s chin to the top of his head.

“Such a good boy for me.” Viktor would have purred the words if he could have and Jayce felt like it was too hot, even if he was just wearing his pants. He kept his gaze up, until he felt pressure that guided him closer. “Why don’t you come get your treat, hm?” Jayce didn’t think he could breathe, hearing Viktor say that. He whined and nosed at Viktor’s pants and then spread his legs. Viktor had to add another pillow behind him to get the angle right, but it was obvious when Jayce’s clothed cock made contact with his leg by noise alone.

“Fuck, Viktor,” he panted, and he sounded as wrecked as Viktor felt. It loosened the knot of apprehension in Viktor’s stomach, empowered him to lean forward and kiss him. 

“You’ve been so good for me, Jayce,” Viktor breathed against Jayce’s lips, and he whimpered, not moving against Viktor’s ankle yet. He was terrified that the moment his hips moved he would cum, his thighs trembled, and he just stared into Viktor’s eyes. Viktor kissed him again and when he pulled back, he had a devious expression on his face. He gently bounced his heel up and Jayce lurched, nearly headbutting Viktor’s nose with the sudden movement.

“I can’t–” Jayce choked on a moan and squeezed his eyes shut, embarrassment and exertion kept his cheeks pink and added a tremble to his voice. “Viktor, I am so close to cumming, I can’t actually do this.” His eyes stayed shut until Viktor pushed his thumb to his lips and when he opened them, Viktor was closer and looking at him with an indecipherable expression.

“Do what?”

Jayce wanted to lick his lips, but the thumb stopped him, so he just pulled his brows down, instead. He felt jitters in his chest, in his hands and his feet and he was so hard he was afraid that he was going to pass out. 

“Don’t make me say it, Vik.” He said, his words were a plea.

“Say what?” He asked innocently, his head tilted. They stared at each other for a pregnant pause, and then when it was obvious Jayce wasn’t going to respond, Viktor pushed his thumb into Jayce’s mouth, pulling him forward. “You’re very lucky you’re so cute.” Viktor kept his gaze on Jayce, his eyes watching for signs of anxiety. 

There were none, so he continued with his plan.

“You are not going to cum, because you won’t cum until I let you, right?” Viktor moved the thumb out of his mouth for him to answer and Jayce swallowed and gasped. There was a sheen of sweat on his forehead, a drop slid down his neck. Viktor’s gaze followed the droplet and then leaned forward and licked up the path it took, the sweat salty and the taste of Jayce beneath his tongue was like a drug. 

“Right, Jayce?” He murmured; his lips moved against Jayce’s neck. He slowly began to bounce his heel, and Jayce didn’t know if he could speak, he opened his mouth but all that came out was a moan.  There was definitely a wet patch on Jayce’s slacks now, he could feel his dick leak.

“Fuck- Viktor, yes, god.” Jayce finally panted out, his chest heaving. “I won’t cum until you let me, please, I just–” his hips rolled up, the friction against his cock felt like heaven. The zipper was cold and dragged against his shaft in a not-quite-pleasure-pain feeling but soon, it warmed, and Jayce couldn’t stop himself. His hips rolled, the friction perfect and enough and just right and he was so close and–

Viktor pulled his leg back.

Jayce gasped, gritted his molars together and groaned, the sound deep and wanton. Viktor just smiled and moved up, kissed Jayce’s forehead, kept his lips planted there as Jayce trembled and collected himself. Once his breathing evened out Viktor pulled his lips back and replaced his leg.

“Again, Jayce,” Viktor said, and Jayce tilted his head back and stared at the ceiling, praying to a god he didn’t know he believed in. He wanted to do this; he knew that Viktor thought that he could do this, and he wanted to impress him. He placed his hands behind him, locked eyes with Viktor and humped his hips upward. The pleasure was immediate, Jayce couldn’t hold back his moans and Viktor couldn’t stop himself from kissing Jayce, swallowing the sounds he was making.

It didn’t stop his noises, Jayce’s hips moved in a stuttered rhythm, and he could feel his orgasm coming and he choked and whined against Viktor’s lips.

“Please–pleaseplease, Viktor, please.” Jayce chanted, his voice hoarse and high and then Viktor pulled back again, and Jayce sobbed out his next moan. Viktor stroked his hands down Jayce’s neck, his chest, his ribs, making soothing noises. Jayce was now fully in Subspace now; his eyes were hazy, and Viktor felt so himself feeling relieved and proud.

“Shh,” Viktor shushed, cupping Jayce’s face between his hands again. Jayce stared at him, his gaze was unfocused but so trusting and full of devotion. Viktor felt his breath leave his lungs, overcome with a strong wave of longing. He had to swallow before he was able to speak. “Just one more, you can do this, you’re doing so well, Jayce.” 

Jayce heaved in a breath; his eyes never left Viktor’s.

“Please, Viktor, I need to cum I don’t know if I can last another one.” He was stuttering over his words, and even without stimulation, Jayce’s hips rolled. “Please, please, please, pleaseplease–”

Viktor quieted him by kissing him.

“Jayce, you have been so good for me,” he murmured against his lips. “We will do one more, and then you can cum, you’ve been so good for me, you can do this for me, I know you can.” Jayce whined in response and squeezed his eyes shut, but his head was nodding fervently when Viktor pulled back. Viktor continued the gentle praise and replaced his leg, and it took only moments before Jayce was tense and leaning backwards, his hips gyrating in an unsteady rhythm as he chased the sensation.

“Cum for me, Jayce.”

It was more than enough, and when Jayce came, he leaned forward, his arm wrapped around Viktor’s leg like a vice. He choked out a moan, his hips rolled with pleasure and pressed hard against Viktor’s ankle as he came in his pants. Cum seeped through the fabric, smeared onto Viktor’s pants.  The orgasm felt never ending, and Jayce felt like he couldn’t breathe.

“Jayce, you are so perfect, so beautiful Jayce.” Viktor was drowning Jayce in praise. He was still gripping the leg tight, hunched over and gasping for breath and shoulders trembling as he came down from the aftershocks. Every inhale was followed with a whine, the noises only ceased when Viktor placed a hand on the back of Jayce’s neck and directed his head up.

Jayce felt drunk. Tears were in Jayce’s eyes and when he blinked, they started their way down his cheeks. Viktor pressed a kiss to his unmarked cheek, tasted the saltiness of sweat and tears on his lips. 

“Come up here and sit in my lap.” Viktor ordered gently, and Jayce, so deep in Subspace, scrambled to follow. Viktor had to move quickly to remove the pillows from behind him, so Jayce had space on the couch for him to settle. He moved in jerky movements but soon he was straddling Viktor, a heavy weight on his lap. 

Viktor grabbed a blanket from the back of the couch and shook it out as best as he could, making soothing noises as he moved. He pulled the fabric over Jayce’s shoulders and tugged it snug as Jayce hunched forward and pressed his nose into Viktor’s neck. His breath was shuddering in and out, he was still making soft noises that were barely audible, and his breathing hitched when Viktor pressed a kiss to his bare shoulder.

“You are perfect, Jayce.” Viktor spoke against his skin. Jayce basked in the praise, pressing further into Viktor. The tears started to fall in earnest now, hot and wet against Viktor’s neck. His pants were getting tacky with dried cum, but he couldn't bring himself to care because he was sitting in Viktor’s lap, and Viktor had called him perfect, Viktor had called him beautiful and told him that he did good and left a bite on his jaw that throbbed. 

He gave into the urge to bite down on the meat of Viktor’s shoulder to leave his own mark, which made Viktor twitch but otherwise he wasn’t reprimanded. It just felt right, to suck a mark into Viktor after everything he had done for him. He was still shaking, he wanted to be inside of Viktor’s skin, he wished he was smaller so he could curl up on Viktor’s collar bone and be surrounded and loved and cherished. 

Jayce released the skin he had between his teeth and examined the mark on Viktor’s shoulders, the deep imprint of teeth and hoped it would bruise, hoped that it marked Viktor as his.

“Admiring your handiwork?” Viktor asked softly. Jayce glanced at Viktor and dipped his head in a nod.

“I want to put more on you.” Jayce admitted. He wanted to lavish Viktor’s thighs with bites and suck marks into his skin and make everyone know that Viktor was his. The possessiveness he was feeling wasn’t a surprise to Jayce, he knew that if he was given an inch with Viktor, he’d take and take and take.

“Maybe one day we can do that, hm?” Viktor pushed a strand of hair from Jayce’s forehead, eyes boring into his own. “Why don’t you take your pants off? I’ll clean you up and we can relax.” 

The plan sounded perfect to Jayce and he pushed off Viktor and stood on shaky legs. When he was sure he wasn’t going to faceplant or trip, he took a step back to allow Viktor room to rise, a hand held out for assistance. Viktor took the hand, stood and made his way to the bathroom, his hands trailing along the furniture and wall along the way for balance. Jayce watched him the whole time, didn’t move until Viktor was out of sight, only then did he remove his pants, shuddering at the feeling of cooling cum and fabric peeling off his skin. He kicked the pants to the side and sat on the couch. He felt like the distance between them was so much greater than it truly was. 

It wasn’t long until Viktor returned with a glass of water and a damp washcloth, both held in one hand.  His eyes took in Jayce, looking him up and down, taking stock of the tremors in Jayce’s limbs and the red-rimmed gaze that still looked unfocused and wanting. Jayce hardly twitched when Viktor sat down next to him, but he did hum in greeting. 

“I warmed the water, but it might’ve cooled, here,” Viktor said quietly, not wanting to disrupt the peace Jayce found. It never was a good feeling, but Viktor was gentle and efficient, wiping cum from between Jayce’s thighs. The only reaction from him was when Viktor cleaned the cum off his cock, Jayce scrunched his nose from the overstimulation but otherwise didn’t complain. When he was cleaned up, Viktor set the cloth to the side and offered the water to him.

“Drink.” 

Jayce followed the instruction and drank deep, draining half the glass in one go, then handed the glass back to Viktor with a look on his face that clearly said that he expected Viktor to do the same. Viktor laughed and finished the glass, not wanting to disrupt the rhythm they had found.

“Do you want me to hold you, or you hold me?” Viktor asked, setting the glass to the side, and Jayce just looked at him with a blank expression. 

“Your brain isn’t back online yet, hm?” Viktor teased him, his tone light. “Come, you can lay on top of me, would you like to lay on me, Jayce?” 

Jayce stretched his shoulders back and nodded slowly. His brain wasn’t online. It was muddled with his orgasm, and he didn’t know if he could speak more than a few sentences. The only thing he found himself wanting was to just be close.

It didn’t take long for Viktor to resituate them to be lying on the couch, Jayce a heavy weight on top of him, the pressure comforting Viktor and it was a win for Jayce, it seemed, who had his nose buried into Viktor’s armpit. It wasn’t the easiest to breathe, but Jayce just wanted to be as close as he could be to Viktor, and when he thought about not being near him, he just wanted to cry.

“Shh, you can cry, Jayce,” Viktor hushed him, and Jayce didn’t know what Viktor was talking about until his throat seized, and tears started again. 

“God, I’m going to be dehydrated from how much I’ve cried.” Jayce complained, but it held no true angst. “I don’t normally cry, why am I crying with you?” He shoved his face further into Viktor’s underarm and then huffed when it wasn’t enough. He moved himself up to press his face into the crook of Viktor’s neck, whose hands rubbed up and down Jayce’s back languidly. He didn’t respond to Jayce’s question, instead he let him sit with it and come to his own conclusion. Deep down, Jayce knew it was because he felt safe and comforted by Viktor, but he couldn’t bring himself to say it aloud.

They laid there for an extended period of time, so long that Viktor thought that maybe Jayce had fallen asleep, but Jayce was the one who stirred first. He pushed himself up on his elbows on Viktors chest to look at him, eyes more focused, more alert when they found Viktor’s. 

“Hello.” Viktor greeted him, his expression soft and open.

“Hello.” Jayce responded. He leaned forward, touched their foreheads together and closed his eyes. “I didn’t know I could feel this way.” The admission slipped out of him without a filter and Jayce knew it sounded sad and pathetic, but with Viktor he could be sad and pathetic, even if it made Viktor grip him tighter.

“That’s what worries me about you,” Viktor admitted softly. “Such a smart man, but you’re lacking in self-preservation.”  It made Jayce laugh, a little unhinged and raw. His head fell back into the crook of Viktor's neck. 

“I know.” He pressed a kiss to the mark he left. “I get told that a lot.”

They lapsed into a comfortable silence again, Jayce’s tremors slowly dissipated and soon the tears stopped, and everything just felt right and warm. Viktor was still rubbing his back slowly and he never wanted it to end. He had never felt this way after a scene – not since before the academy, before he had become committed to hiding his dynamic. He mulled the scene over in his mind and he didn’t realize he was holding his breath until Viktor nudged him up with his shoulder.

“Jayce?” Viktor’s tone was careful. “Let’s talk about what you’re thinking.”

Jayce breathed out a sigh and nodded.

“I’ve never had an experience like that before, is all.” He finally said, pulling back again to look at Viktor. Viktor was looking at him already and Jayce blinked.

“A scene like that?” Viktor raised an eyebrow.

“Uh–yeah, like.” Jayce paused and pursed his lips. 

“...Like what, Jayce?”

“Like– I don’t know, I’ve never really gone down without it just, hurting?”

Viktor stared at him and Jayce knew that it wasn’t something normal to experience with the expression on his face.

“I just said something sad, didn’t I?” He asked and Viktor shook his head and pulled his head to his chest. 

“You said something… very sad, Jayce.” Viktor petted a hand through his hair. “I want to make you know how different it can all be.” His hand hesitated but continued with his next sentence. “I want to show you the differences, if you’d let me.” 

And Jayce on top of him felt like his heart was in his throat, he felt like he was the one underneath Viktor with a weight on his chest.

“I’d like that a lot, Viktor.”  Jayce tilted his head up and smiled, soft and private. There was a blush on Viktor’s cheeks, barely noticeable from afar but this close, the coloring made him look adorable. Jayce couldn’t help but scoot up and kiss the underside of his jaw. 

He found himself eager for the next time and for the first time in what felt like years, he knew that he would be okay.