Archive of Our Own ^beta

New York is still smoking. Destroyed. A city she was forced to help destroy. Ava can see much of the damage from here, where she is by Stark Tower.

She got… many killed here.

She got many killed for SHIELD too.

They promised they would help her but they lied.

The one who didn’t lie was Loki. All the time she was with him, under control of the Mind Stone, her phasing stopped for the first time since she was a child. The pain stopped. One of the Avengers used the scepter to knock her out, to break the control – to finally give her, her mind back. She should be relieved. Maybe she is but she also can’t shake the empty resentment she feels. The pain is back. She forgot what it was like for it not to hurt. She just wants it to stop. To end. But it never ends.

Loki promised he would fix it permanently. And now, Loki is imprisoned right here.

Everything had made sense under the control of the scepter and now it doesn’t but she’s nearly willing to agree to give him something – anything – if it actually means this will end.

The Avengers are gone now.

She’s not supposed to be here but there’s no one to stop her. Not if she’s fast. And she’s good at being fast – because SHIELD took her soul in exchange for a cure they’re never going to give her.

Ava sprints for the wall, as best as she can and passes right through it, then moves quickly through the floors, in search of Loki. The pain is mind-numbing but it always has been. And focusing enough to get herself to phase a little more at will, to force her molecules to get ripped apart faster and faster so she can go through walls quickly is worth it if this’ll finally be over.

She finally makes it to the room, going through the wall and nearly falling right through the floor again while she’s at it.

In the center of the… room - it’s not really a containment room, by the looks of it – is Loki.

But she’s not quite expecting his state.

He’s stuck on his back on the floor under some kind of hammer, and his breathing is labored, almost like he can barely manage it. His face is pale, way paler than it ought to be. His wrists are chained too. His head turns towards her sharply. But he doesn’t say anything because he… can’t. Hie’s…. muzzled?

In all the –

She’s seen SHIELD do a lot of awful things. They ordered her to do a lot of awful things.

This is still a bit much for someone who’s a prisoner and also in chains he can’t get out of. Probably can get out of, considering he does have magic – she’s never really seen him using it.

She doesn’t know how to feel, seeing him. He had her do… a lot. But he also – She doesn’t have friends or a companionship with really anyone. There’s Bill Foster, who’s helped try to find a cure, but it’s not…

None of that’s really mattered when all she can feel is pain and desperation for a relief. But she felt some level of companionship with Loki and Clint, when they had a common purpose, even if it wasn’t really her.

So she – she cares about him, even if that’s probably stupid. But really, she’s done no worse by his control than what she’s done in the past. Even if it felt more senseless.

“Loki?” Ava asks, darting across the room and crouching next to him.

His eyes flicker but he can’t talk. He shifts a little, though, holding her eyes.

Her hands reach for the muzzle, fumbling for some way to get it off. Her hands pass through his face.

She tries again, more waves of pain washing through her. And panic because she needs to hurry and that’s just making it worse. Sometimes, the harder she focuses on getting her hands to be physical, the more it feels like they disappear on her. But she finally gets them solid enough to work and she breathes out shakily at the feel of something physical under them – at actually even being able to touch another person at all. She undoes the clamps of the muzzle, dropping it to the floor before her hands start going through it again.

“Ava?” Loki asks, drawing in a few, gasping shaky breaths. Could he even breathe with that thing on? Actually, why is he acting like he can hardly breathe? What’s wrong? “What are you doing here?”

She may as well get right to the point. “You promised to help me. Does… that offer still stand?”

“Right now, I seem to have an appointment with my brother’s hammer,” he rasps, “But if I were able to get out, yes.”

She stands, trying to reach for it. Her hand goes right through it.

“You won’t be able to lift it. Only those worthy can.” He says it bitterly before pausing, trying to catch his breath again. Is the thing crushing him? He looks hurt. She doesn’t know how badly.

“What happened to you?” she tries again anyway, trying to pick up the hammer. She manages to get a grip on it for a brief moment, just long enough to see that he’s right.

“Hulk used me to clean the floor. No need for concern.”

“You can’t even breathe.” Yes, she’s a bit appalled. She knows how it is to be in constant pain. To have no one seem to care. And she knows… There something messy going on with him and whoever led the Chutari. She… saw things when she was with him. Flashes of things that she thinks were from his mind. It didn’t really make sense. But that he’s terrified of whoever is behind the Chutari attack wasn’t hard to see.

“I survived a year without that. It’s not so bad.”

“What?”

Is he joking? Or serious? She can’t even tell.

But that’s hardly the point right now. She looks around, desperation gnawing in her gut. “How do I get you out of here?”

Loki hesitates. “I fear there is no way.”

No, no. She can’t just give up, she’s not – she’ll never be able to find Loki again if she doesn’t get him out of here now.

“My apologies,” he says, quietly.

He means it. Sincerely.

And he sounds far more apologetic about it than the SHIELD agents did when they told her there was nothing else they knew of to do.

But she can’t accept that there’s nothing they can do. She just needs the pain to stop. She came this far already. There has to be something.

“You… said you could use magic to permanently cure it later,” she says finally, “Can you do that here? I can try to get you out later maybe? After that hammer is moved.”

He hesitates. “My magic does not possess the strength for it now. It must replenish first. And I fear Thor will have returned me to Asgard by then.”

He looks afraid.

Of his brother.

Ava doesn’t know what it’s like to have siblings. But her only happy memories are back when she had a family. She can’t imagine how Loki could fear his own so much.

But then she can’t help noticing something else.

It doesn’t occur to her until right then that his eyes look different.

He seems different period and a sudden realization starts settling over her.

“I thought your eyes were blue.”

“No more than yours.” He’s not really looking at her now.

He was mind-controlled into this. She never guessed that. She never had a reason to think that but there’d been a part of her that wondered sometimes, because of what she saw of the Chutari. They hurt him. She knew he was coerced, if nothing else. But she didn’t expect… this.

“You were mind-controlled?” she demands finally. “Do they know that?”

“It doesn’t matter.” He’s still not really looking at her.

That’s when she hears noise from behind her.

The door to the room swings open.

Ava jerks to her feet.

Thor’s standing there. He’s alone right now but she doubts that means much. The other Avengers are probably on their way. JARVIS probably warned them.

“Step away from him,” Thor orders.

“I need his help,” she argues.

“…With what do you need help?” He sounds befuddled.

She lifts a hand, as it flickers in out of existence. They all saw it already. “He said he can fix this.”

“Loki is known for his lies.”

She hears him shift on the floor behind her but he doesn’t say anything. She can’t shake the feeling it’s because he’s too afraid to.

“He did it once.”

Thor steps closer. “You know not the damage he will unleash if you release him.”

As if this was any more his choice than hers, apparently. And really, right now, when she finally can see an end in sight to the constant agony, she can hardly find it in herself to care about anything else. “Don’t talk to me about pain. That’s all I’ve ever known.” If she has to fight her way through him, then fine, she will. Ava shifts, bracing herself.

Thor seems to catch the move. He jerks up his hand, and the hammer flies to it.

Finally freeing Loki.

…That was actually easier than she thought.

Hopefully Loki’ll use the opportunity to get out of here. Assuming he’s physically capable of it right now.

Ava jumps at Thor, dodging when he swings at her. She punches him. It hardly does anything to make him stumble. Thor tries to attack hit her with his hammer and he dodges it, going right through the wall behind her. Thor sprints out the door after her, giving chase. She tries jumping him again, trying to knock him out but it’s not really working. He’s Asgardian and it’s really showing right now. But it’s only making her frustration and desperation skyrocket because she doesn’t have time for this.

And then her body decides to glitch on her at just the wrong moment and the hammer smacks her in the side, knocking her to the floor. But then the hammer just goes the rest of the way through her, landing on the floor a few paces away.

Thor’s mid-calling it back to his hand when Clint abruptly rounds the corner.

“Thor, what are you doing?” he demands, a bit incredulous.

Ava pushes herself to her feet, bracing herself. She didn’t want to have to fight all of them but if it’s the only way to make the pain stop then she will.

“She is attempting to free Loki,” Thor scowls.

“Ava?” Clint asks, a bit disbelieving.

“He’s going to help me,” Ava protests.

“You think he really means to do that?” At least Clint doesn’t sound half as antagonistic about it as Thor. He was there when she explained to Loki, just like she heard him explain a lot of personal things about himself.

“He wouldn’t have a reason to do that.”

“That might be true, kid,” Clint agrees, “But… we already saw what happened the last time he got loose here.”

There’s a desperate part of her that doesn’t even care. Well, she does – But if this is the only way to make the pain stop, she can’t turn it down. She can figure out how to clean up any other mess that results from it later. But besides – “He was mind-controlled too. Like us. He’s not under the control of the scepter anymore,” she replies.

“What?” She doesn’t know who sounds more taken aback between Thor and Clint.

“He told me.”

“That cannot be,” Thor objects finally, “No one could be strong enough to control my brother’s mind.”

Clint’s expression shifts with sudden realization.

He probably dreamed a bit of the same things as her, not that she would know.

“I don’t know what happened with him and the Chutari but I don’t think it was all pleasant,” Clint says quietly.

Thor just seems a bit at a loss.

“How did no one else notice that his eyes were different?” she can’t help asking.

“I didn’t really give it much thought,” Clint admits, “I… wasn’t really looking for reasons to be around him.” That’s fair enough.

“What happens now?” Ava asks.  “If it’s not his fault more than it is ours?”

“I don’t know,” Clint admits, “I should talk to the others.”

“I will still return him to Asgard,” Thor decides, “And explain the situation to my father.”

Hopefully Loki will still be able to come back after that and heal her. But she does believe that he’s going to keep his word, more than any SHIELD agent ever has.

“Maybe without muzzling him this time?” Ava says.

Neither of them have anything to say to that.

***

Rogers and Banner both come by to see Loki not long later. She has the feeling they’re both feeling kind of bad about whatever’s happened between them.

Romanoff is mostly keeping her distance but considering that Clint nearly killed her while he was mind-controlled, she isn’t surprised by that.

Stark comes last, inviting them both to his lab and rambling a hundred miles an hour about her condition. Though it’s not something he knows how to actually fix either.

Clint finally offers to take them both out for a meal.

Loki looks… hopeful.

Ava agrees because she has no reason to refuse, though meals are often miserable for her.

She’s not wearing her suit and nearly falls through her chair two times as she tries to settle into it.

The food falls through her hands about three times as she tries to eat it.

And it’s hard to care for that much at all when everything always hurts, no matter how used to that she’s become.

“You know, I never realized your… phasing problems were that bad,” Clint remarks finally. “I can’t believe SHIELD hasn’t done anything about it yet.”

“They are not virtuous,” Loki replies bluntly.

Clint huffs. “I know.”

“They lied,” she replies bitterly.

“If they healed you, they would lose what makes you useful to them,” Loki points out.

She’s frankly wondered sometimes if that’s the reason they haven’t come up with something. Maybe it’s not but she can’t help having questions.

“Still,” Clint says, “You’re just a kid.”

That’s never mattered to them. It’s never mattered to anyone. She doesn’t know what it means to be one anymore, either. Not when everything been drowned out with constant pain for so many years. The closest to any normal childhood she got after what happened was the stuffed animal Bill Foster got her, that she can barely hold anyway without it falling through her.

“If this is able to heal you, are you going to stay with SHIELD?” Clint asks.

Ava hesitates. “I haven’t thought about it.”

“Because you could do anything else you wanted, couldn’t you? If this isn’t the life you want to have.”

Honestly? She hasn’t thought about what she wants to be since before this happened. And at that point, it was just childish daydreams. All she cared about – still cares about – is the pain stopping. She doesn’t know how to be anything but what she is now. Doesn’t have the brains to think about it as her hand phases through her spoon again and she drops it with a clang. “I don’t know,” she replies, “This is all I’m good at.”

She glances sideways at Loki. He seems to have given up on eating, for… some reason.

And he’s looking a little green, if she’s being honest.

“You okay?” Clint asks him.

“I haven’t eaten in a long time. I did not consider that,” he offers, a bit uncomfortably.

Flashes of a dark room, of being suspended in some kind of energy field somewhere, trapped and unable to move, flash through her mind. She doesn’t know what Loki went through but – she saw that much. Was he even fed in space?

“Maybe you could stay here long enough to recover a bit, at least,” Clint suggests.

Loki hesitates. “That would be a long time.”

She doesn’t want to have to wait a long time for everything to stop hurting – but it’s not Loki’s fault there’s something wrong with his magic. She has waited this long already. She can wait a little longer.

“They will let you come back to Earth once you go, right?” Ava asks him.

It’s not just about fixing her either. She just wants to get to see him again. She wants to know that he’s going to be okay.

Loki pauses. “If Thor asks for it, I expect… yes.”

He’s afraid they’re still going to hurt him on Asgard. She can tell that much. “But what you did wasn’t even you.”

“I’ve done far more than this.” Theer’s something dark and hurt and lost in his eyes.  It’s not something she’s seen any memories of either  so she has no idea what it is.

“I have toa agree with Ava here. That still doesn’t seem fair,” Clint replies.

Loki says nothing.

She thinks there’s a lot more about this that he’s not in a hurry to talk about.

Clint’s phone rings suddenly and he stands, excusing himself and moving off somewhere to take the call.

There’s a long pause of silence. Loki is looking at her. “Thank you,” he says finally.

He doesn’t say what for but it’s easy to guess, especially considering the state she found him in. And he’d still be there if she hadn’t shown up.

“You’re welcome,” she offers, a bit awkwardly, because it’s a strange thing for someone to even say to her.

“I can try to aid you now but I cannot promise it will work yet.”

Hope blooms desperately inside of her but then she hesitates. “Don’t strain yourself and make it worse.” She knows he’s in pain too and if he already has magic exhaustion, well…

Loki reaches for her anyway, hand touching her forehead. Trying to touch it at least – it takes a few tries before he’s able to without her head phasing through his hand.

It’s strange to feel another human’s touch. She never gets to feel that anymore.

She feels a strange flicker of something – it feels like something fuzzy and warm touching her even as the feel of his hand keeps flickering in and out. His magic.

But then Loki slowly lowers his hand. “The healing spell is of the belief it must heal me first,” he says, apologetically.

“How badly are you hurt?” she demands, “Shouldn’t you go to the hospital?”

“It is nothing that cannot heal and Midgardian healers are barbaric.”

She almost laughs. “How?”

“They remove blood, cut out organs, implant objects inside of people. I assure you we do none of that on Asgard.”

“How else would they treat a lot of conditions?”

“With a healing stone, for one option.”

“What’s that?”

Loki laughs. “That is what I mean.”

Fine, whatever.

“I just hope you will be alright,” she offers awkwardly.

He eyes her. “Why does it matter to you?” He sounds genuinely confused.

“Because you’re a… friend?” She doesn’t know if she can really use that word on him but it’s the closest she’s really had in a long time.

“I am?” He sounds befuddled and… hopeful?

Ava just shrugs a little because she doesn’t know what else to say.

They leave it at that.

But she does have the feeling that this isn’t going to be the last she sees of him.