Chapter Text
Serenity. Floating. Fleeting.
Past the horizons of Jayce's bed lay an ocean of lead. The outside world existed somewhere else, far away, on distant shores.
The ceiling lights were out. The curtains were shut. The hazy glow of the street lights that dared to intrude upon this haven provided sparse illumination, so that anything not within an arms reach was reduced to wavering silhouettes and shadows drawing menacing circles out on the periphery.
Somewhere amidst the open seas of molten gray, in between sheets that smelled of previous nights spent within them. Dried sweat. Cologne and soot. Remnants of a long day's work on grand ambitions, grand inventions, and even grander dreams. Dreams forged into a young man by an industrial pyre. Coal dust and steam, brilliant sparks flying off red-hot metal, and underneath the spectacle, the glint of something intangible, something marvellous and pure. The essence of Jayce Talis flowing in and out of him with every breath, coursing through his veins and bewitching his senses, Viktor had been struck by a deceptive, overpowering wave of tranquillity.
The cushions were soft under his cheek, softer than those he was used to, the pillowy mattress giving way under his back. Such firmness could cause severe problems for Viktor's spine and feeble hip joints if he were to sleep on it every night. That didn't matter much. Tonight was a one time thing, after all.
His anchor lay breathing next to him, silent and strong. To keep him from drifting away, to keep him safe - or pull him under.
The man himself appeared relaxed. Jayce was propped up on one arm, the other one thrown casually over Viktor's hip, undemanding but keeping him close, keeping him steady. His fingers were lazily tapping against Viktor's back, playing an irregular rhythm that was entirely up to Jayce's whim.
Time had lost all meaning. It was late. Or early. Viktor couldn't tell how long he had been lying here, watching Jayce silently in the semi-darkness, hands resting idle on his broad chest, the cotton of his shirt against his fingertips, the measured beating of his heart underneath the thin layer of cloth. Viktor couldn't move, spellbound by simply watching amber eyes, pupils dilating and widening as they adjusted subtly to each minor stimulus.
Feeble rays of light hit Jayce retina where they would stimulate the photoreceptor cells into transmitting the incoming information along his optic nerve to the visual cortex to be processed by his brain into an image of Viktor. Fabricated. Artificial. A version of himself that only existed within Jayce's mind - within his personal perception of reality. Private. Like a secret. If Viktor could somehow gain access to it, see himself through Jayce's eyes, maybe it would bring him closer to deciphering what Jayce was thinking.
Maybe not knowing was for the better.
Because this was not too bad.
And if lying here, just like this, just watching each other all through these earliest of morning hours, until a hazy dawn bathed them in shades of pastel pink and baby blue, would have been all they did this night, then Viktor might have been satisfied. He might have never needed anything more than this. Everything beyond the night a dream, undreamed.
But it wasn't.
And he got it anyway.
While Viktor didn't dare touch Jayce beyond the lingering uncertainty of his palms on his chest, Jayce's hand travelled upward along his side, settling on his lower back. A tickling, pleasant sensation that should have felt soothing but didn't. Even through the fabric of Viktor's dress shirt, Jayce must feel the prominent protrusion of his ribs, the ridges of his vertebrae distorting his skin. Viktor tensed up, sucking in a breath of air.
"Shh, relax."
He had been.
Not so much anymore.
Viktor's heart rate increased drastically, any sense of the previous calm quickly dissipating with the slow caress against his lower back intensifying the thrumming of his nerves, high strung with anticipation of what was next to come.
"We'll start with something simple, I promise."
Trusting in Jayce, Viktor let him lead the way.
The mattress dipped under the shift in weight as Jayce inched closer - his face right in front of his own.
They'd been here once before. Traces of alcohol, the blaze of the forge. Phantom tingles of a hand ghosting upwards on this thigh, Jayce's real fingers fleetingly caressing his rib cage. Needy shivers, goosebumps all over his body.
Viktor, still dreadfully unkissed.
Jayce couldn't do this to him again.
Half-lidded eyes out-of focus, flickering down to Jayce's lips. The hint of a sheepish smile with his bottom lip caught between his teeth.
Toying with him, making him long for more. Until Viktor needed it.
He already did.
Fingertips first found his cheek, thumb caressing over hollow cheek bones -
Needed him.
- then moved to his jaw to draw Viktor into a kiss.
It was a simple press of lips against lips, chaste, the delivery of a promise.
A timid touch, a storm unleashed. Lost to the elements, Viktor was out of his. He didn't know what to do, how to respond. He had kissed before but -
All he knew was that he needed to breathe the same air as Jayce, needed Jayce to breathe.
Jayce tilted his head upwards with gentle force against his chin, granting himself better access to Viktor's mouth, and Viktor, compliant and moaning softly into the kiss, let it happen.
This was nice.
Closed eyes, falling into feeling, Viktor shuffled closer until he hit up against the other man, until they were chest against chest. Hoping Jayce would understand that he wanted, needed, more.
More than nice.
How could he have ever believed that simply lying next to Jayce could have ever been enough?
Jayce hummed appreciatively into the kiss, pressing in with a little more vigour, moving plush lips against Viktor's thin ones, growing more demanding, the hold on Viktor's chin moving to the back of his head.
Viktor was far too willing too concede, thrilled and terrified, grabbing the fabric of Jayce's shirt a little tighter, a little too tight maybe, trying to hold on.
Maybe, maybe, if that had been all, if it had been enough, then maybe Viktor would -
Driven by instinct, Viktor parted his lips for Jayce who took no time deepening the kiss, slipping his tongue into Viktor's eager mouth.
It was enough to open up the flood gates. Just the tiniest bit of tongue sliding against his own, the taste of Jayce filling his mouth, and Viktor was drowning.
The hold of Jayce's hand on his chin had moved to the back of his head, massaging at the back of his skull, as their kisses became longer, messier. Hot, wet, Jayce's tongue exploring his mouth, running along misaligned teeth - the tip of his tongue brushing over a protruding canine. The flashing urge to bite down - tempered with force. Too much, too fast.
They parted for air. Ragged breaths against his cheeks, his lips.
A quick look at Jayce's eyes - glazed over, feral - and Viktor dove right back in, catching Jayce off-guard who gasped in surprise, and Viktor took the opportunity to slip his own tongue into his mouth. The gap in his upper teeth, the taste of ethanol and spit, the hungry moans vibrating in his throat - kissing Jayce was a banquet for the senses.
Maybe if they could keep kissing like this -
Fingers carded through his curls, catching them in a fist, taking hold - a powerful tug, yanking him back.
"Ah-!"
Shivers wrecked his body. Heat pooled deep inside his lower belly, spreading further downward - thighs clenching together. Friction. He needed -
Viktor was writhing. Choked moans escaping parted lips, only to be immediately swallowed up by Jayce's mouth who was kissing him hard.
A suggestive tug on the hem of Viktor's shirt, the brush of Jayce's fingers tickling on the tiniest sliver of exposed skin, evoking the immediate rush of nervous tingles.
"Should we- ?" Jayce asked, his voice breathy and his plump lips still so close to Viktor's own that they moved against each other when he spoke. Shiver's of pure need coursing through Viktor's body, his voice barely above a wanton whisper.
Viktor sounded shameless.
He wasn't.
"Maybe we should."
Maybe they should have never done anything at all.
Jayce sat up and with one quick motion and a flex of his muscles, rid himself of his sweat shirt.
Viktor's breath caught in his throat.
Labouring in the forge, handling hammers and heavy tools, had performed miracles on Jayce's physique. Many of his dress shirts had clung much tighter around his forearms and shoulders recently. Up close and bare chested, it was plainly evident that beneath the soft layer of residual body fat, Jayce's pectorals and abdominal muscles had gained notable definition.
Viktor released that breath that he had been holding. It came out a low, undignified, whine.
To his further embarrassment, Jayce was fully aware he had been staring, had heard him make that noise. Jayce seemed unfazed, giving him a pleased smile, but sitting up even straighter. It made it unbelievably hard for Viktor to focus on anything.
Between admiring Jayce and the rise of shame through his blood vessels to his head, Viktor was struggling with unbuttoning his own shirt. Stubborn buttons were unwilling to yield to his trembling fingers. He barely bested the first and second one to get his collar to open. All of which happened under Jayce's scrutinising gaze, who now regarded him with a raised eyebrow. It didn't help matters.
"Here, let me -"
Jayce undid the button without a hitch - the scent of ashes and steel clouding Viktor's head, making it spin - determined fingers opening his shirt, occasionally, accidentally - or not so accidentally - grazing against his chest. The temperature in the room seemed to drop while the heat in Viktor's body was stoked by the fires of the furnace that was Jayce.
And then reality hit him like a shot of ice through his veins.
Jayce was undressing him. Efficiently and with ease, while giving Viktor a smug smirk that made his already inflamed cheeks burn even hotter and his gaze inadvertently shift back to the rest of Jayce's body.
Fatal mistake.
Jayce's evenly tan skin was inviting his touch, urging Viktor to run his fingers along his clavicle, through the dark hairs on Jayce's chest that were trailing down his toned stomach, leading the gaze down even further, ending in - Viktor had to pry his eyes back up, the snap of his head so sudden, it made him dizzy.
Everything about Jayce was so easy to want.
Jayce was easy to want.
Anyone would.
Unlike -
Unbuttoned shirt hanging half-way off one shoulder, Viktor sat lost, feverish and dazed, in between Jayce's rumpled sheets, illuminated only so far as the dim light permitted, yet every piece of him was laid bare for Jayce to see - precious and vile specimen ready for the scalpel.
At birth, the toxic wastes and fumes of Zaun, vicious and malignant, had seeped into him, infected him, had hollowed him out. Viktor's body bore the hazard signs of past and current sickness, rotten right down to the marrow of his bones. Blemished skin that was riddled with freckles, scars, and birth marks, uneven blotches and nasty discolourations, stretched thin over the ridges of his misshapen skeleton. Skull, joints, torso, bones, hips - the limbs that were too thin and too long - Viktor was defective pieces and malformed parts that refused to fit together.
At the realisation, Viktor no longer want to crawl out of his clothes - but out of his very skin.
He discarded of his shirt quickly. Carelessly threw it away to he knew not where.
Just. Away. Into the blackness. Having half the thought of doing the same.
This was it.
There was nowhere left to hide.
Viktor let himself fall backwards into the pillows, in hopes the bed might yet swallow him whole.
The next thing he knew, Jayce was on top of him, straddling his hips, trapping Viktor between himself and the mattress, one leg sturdy on each side of him, looming over that body that Viktor wanted nothing more than hide away.
Hide it away from Jayce, from the world, and most of all from himself.
He couldn't.
He couldn't even find the strength to pull his frail arms up and over himself, to cover himself, the dip of his malnourished stomach, his chest - his heart. His arms just laid there, limp and useless, at his side. Eyes unblinking and unseeing, directed towards the ceiling that lay beyond grey liquid shadows.
There was no use anyway.
Viktor had been caught, strapped to the operating table.
All of him, all that was grotesque and wrong about him, was on open display.
Ready to be torn open, and into, and back into ill-fitting pieces.
Untouchable, and undesirable thing.
Jayce ran his hands carefully along his sides, thumbs brushing over and in between the ridges of his fracturable ribs.
Torturous delight.
Viktor shivered, goosebumps forming along his skin, following in the wake of Jayce's touch.
It should have felt nice.
In an ideal world, it could have.
If everything else thus far could have been enough for Viktor - and if this hadn't been too much.
It's not like you have anyone else who would want to do it with you.
And if Viktor had been anyone else but Viktor.
Jayce shouldn't be touching him so willingly, so full of care, so full of tenderness. Shouldn't be touching him at all.
Yet, he was smiling down at him, starry eyed and syrupy sweet, as he drew arabesques unto Viktor's skin.
Jayce didn't mean it.
Jayce didn't want any of this.
Jayce didn't want him.
Jayce was doing this out of obligation - because Jayce was a man of his word who wouldn't go back on a promise, even when he had to force himself through the act.
Jayce was a good partner.
Viktor - unwanted, undeserving, and selfish - who was taking advantage of this kindness, was not.
Chest tight and aching with each shallow breath, jaw clenched shut in an effort to keep that vile something that was churning like acid in his stomach down; Viktor lay nauseous beneath Jayce, paralysed, a prisoner inside himself.
Helplessly delivered to Jayce's caresses and the unwanted reactions of this ghastly body that undeservedly and against his will revelled in Jayce's touches, that so readily responded to him with shakes and twitches, and jolts of pleasure that caused a familiar pressure in his throat and a burning behind his eyes.
Viktor's heart was beating painfully in its cage; Viktor's mind screaming against the reality of his flesh.
He was going to be sick.
And when Jayce's brought his lips to Viktor's skin, mouth gentle and relaxed, delivering the faintest butterfly kiss right unto Viktor's sternum, something tender violently tore apart.
"Stop!"
Jayce leapt off him in an instant, backing away as if he had been slapped, distinct panic ringing under his breathy voice.
"Wha- what's wrong?"
Grabbing blindly for the blanket, frenzied and flailing, his heart pumping, Viktor clutched it up to cover as much of his torso as he possibly could. His arms crossed, a scant shield, in front him.
"Don't touch me."
"I'm not!" Jayce held his hands up, as if in surrender. Keeping a distance.
"I'm not," he assured once more, calmer, more quietly. Jayce might have repeated it a third time, or he might have said something else, but anything Jayce said or did was drowned out, secondary to Viktor's panicked struggle to stay afloat in the deep pools of nausea.
He didn't trust himself to open his mouth to speak, and pressed a hand in front of his mouth, just in case.
"I should leave," he said not directed at anyone or anything.
There was no set destination either as to where he would go. Anywhere else would suffice. He just wanted to be anywhere that was not here, in this bed, under these covers. Anywhere that was not with Jayce. His apartment perhaps, where he could feel miserable and unwanted in peace.
Viktor made a flailing effort to stand up but was immediately stopped by a strong grasp on his upper arm, keeping him from moving. As he sank back in defeat, he clumsily trapped his legs under himself - a sharp pang in his right knee from the awkward position. He barely took note of it.
"Oh, no! Oh, no, no, no. You're not leaving. You're not going anywhere alone tonight."
"Let me go, Jayce," he demanded but failing to put any strength behind his words, his voice too weak. Even if Viktor tried, he wouldn't be able to win in an altercation with Jayce. Not physically at least. Although, no physical force was needed if Jayce wanted to prevent Viktor from leaving.
"No."
Calm. Assertive - not a threat - but there wouldn't be an argument either.
"I need to get out."
"No."
Viktor sagged further down in on himself.
"You're clearly not alright, Viktor. What kind of friend would I be if I let you go out on your own like this?"
What kind of friend indeed?
Viktor clenched harder at the sheets, knuckles as white as the fabric close to tearing under his grip.
He had gotten what he wanted, did he not? This mess of his own making.
Wilfully and against any reason, he had ignored the warning signs. And for what? Why?
He should have swallowed his pride, should have known better, should have stayed home. And now he was trapped on a bed the softness of glass shards with the one person he -
What had he hoped would have happened? Could have happened?
Maybe another outcome had never been a possibility.
Because Viktor was Viktor. Always hoping for better, never getting barely enough.
And because Jayce was Jayce. Being the best that Viktor couldn't hope for.
Maybe the inevitability of it all would have always lead them to this.
Whatever that meant.
How did they even get here?
It's just like sex.
Ah.
What do you mean, you've never -?
Do you want to?
That's right.
- anyone special you have in mind?
It's not like - anyone else who would want - with you.
What is so bad - doing your partner - a favour?
I wouldn't want to be the reason -
A deluge caused by a buildup of careless remarks flooding his mind, threatening to overflow, to burst, and Viktor had to squeeze his stinging eyes shut tight to prevent the dam from breaking.
This is it, then? - If you want it to be.
He had to know.
Even if it hurt.
He had taken enough blows tonight.
He was ready for it to be over.
Let Jayce be the one to deliver the final shot.
"Jayce?" he asked, voice quivering and meek. "Do you want to do this?"
If it was Jayce, then that would be alright.
"What do you mean?"
"Do you want to have sex with me?"
His vocal chords, weary, and strained to their limits, finally broke on the last syllable - his dying breath.
Jayce sat up straight, trying to meet Viktor at eye level. An impossible endeavour since Viktor did not dare look at Jayce. And he didn't need to; since the gentle touch of Jayce's hand on his shoulder, that made him flinch only in shame, told him exactly what kind of expression he would find.
Kindness, worry, pity - anything that Viktor still didn't want.
Because all of it hurt worse than outright rejection ever could.
"You don't have to force yourself to do this with me," Viktor said, "I would understand. I am not, as you said, desirable to anyone."
"I never said that!"
The instantaneous and vehement outburst of protest was almost enough to shake Viktor out his stupor.
"Why would I ever say that? That's an awful thing to say to a friend! To anyone, actually!" Jayce sounded offended. "Do you really think that lowly of me? That I would do that to you?"
Viktor would have liked to protest. That this was not how he thought of Jayce, at all. But then again, hadn't that been exactly what he had accused Jayce of? Viktor added it to his long list of things to feel guilty about.
However, Jayce, seemingly swept up by his own whirlwind of intense and conflicting emotions, had managed a seamless transition from impetuous outrage right back to brash bewilderment.
"Wait, hold on, you don't think you're attractive?"
No.
"Have you looked into a mirror recently?"
Yes.
"Viktor? Talk to me."
"Yes. No. I don't know."
His head hurt, his eyes hurt, his leg hurt, his chest hurt, and he still wasn't sure if he shouldn't just simply get up and leave and go home. Not that he could, since he was stopped by this revolting and useless body which was unwilling to do anything for him besides betraying and humiliating him, on the daily, which was once again foiling his escape.
"Will you at least look at me?"
Viktor didn't want to.
He did it anyway. Reluctantly and afraid. Since, in the end, he no longer had the fight left in him to refuse Jayce. What did it matter? No use in fighting battles already lost before they had begun.
As he slowly lifted his head, just as he had dreaded, there it was.
Compassion.
Like honey and venom pouring over his sore heart.
"Is this what this is about?" Jayce asked. "You think that I don't want this? That I don't find you attractive enough? Do you think that I'm…what? Somehow repulsed by you?"
That ill, ugly feeling was twisting Viktor's insides into a tight knot.
"…Are you?"
"No! Of course not! Quite the opposite in fact. Why did you think I was so surprised that you've never had sex with anyone before?"
Viktor's head was swimming. He didn't know what he had thought. Didn't know what he was thinking right in this moment. Didn't think he could respond. He made an attempt but the words caught in his throat, so he merely shrugged instead.
He wanted to believe Jayce. He wished that he could.
"You didn't have to offer to sleep with me. I know you didn't mean to do that."
"No, I didn't. Have to offer, I mean. I did mean it, though." Jayce paused, brows furrowed.
At least it made two of them who had trouble getting their thoughts in order, or putting them into words that made any semblance of sense.
"And you didn't have to agree to do it tonight, either."
"No, I didn't," Jayce confirmed.
"Then why…?"
"Because I felt honoured you trusted me that much," Jayce voice carried a weight with it, a gravitas thus far reserved for matters pertaining to their work on Hextech - reserved only for Jayce's dream. Their dream.
"And because I care about you, Viktor. A whole lot actually. So, when you said, you wanted to do it with someone you care about, I had assumed, or at least I had hoped-"
- that Viktor felt the same.
That Jayce could be the one.
The only one for him.
Only by the wetness on his face and the choked half-sob pushing past his throat, Viktor even registered that he was crying. Even further away from his consciousness were the arms immediately thrown around his shoulders in response, the warmth of someone else's skin against his body.
Despite himself, Viktor let himself be pulled into the embrace, burying his face in the crook of Jayce's neck, who simply hugged him tighter, even as Viktor's bitter tears spilled over him, staining his back in his sorrow.
"I'm sorry, Jayce," he murmured against Jayce's skin, the taste of salt on dry lips.
"Don't be. You're good, Viktor."
Viktor really couldn't say that he was.
"I've been a terrible partner to you."
Jayce was petting his back in a soothing motion.
"You've been a confusing partner, if anything."
"You were just trying to help, you don't deserve this."
There was a gentle press of Jayce's mouth against his unruly curls.
"And neither do you."
A violent sob shook Viktor's body, causing Jayce to shush him softly.
And for a while it was simply this. Viktor silently weeping into Jayce's shoulder, letting himself be cradled in the protective shelter of his arms, be comforted by his familiar scent, his body heat, and the soothing nothings Jayce murmured against his hair, until their heart beats synchronised into a composed rhythm like the steady beating of a hammer on the anvil, bearing down on the raw potential of something crude, and useless, and misshapen and transforming it into something other, something -
"I'm so sorry," Viktor repeated, when he had calmed down enough to trust himself to speak between the persisting sniffles and hiccups, not even sure what exactly he was apologising for.
"Honestly, Viktor, everything's okay. Or it's going to be. Nothing happened. You're fine. I'm fine."
He so desperately wanted to believe Jayce.
Jayce attempted to loosen his grip and pull away but Viktor clutched on tighter, not letting him move.
"Just look at me again, okay?"
Viktor didn't want to. He wanted to stay like this: enveloped in Jayce's arms who radiated the glowing heat of a hearth that had been lit up deep within his core. His comforting warmth was seeping into Viktor's sore being, the fortress of his body shielding Viktor from the world. What he would give to stay just like this, for just a little while longer. Or possibly forever.
"…No."
He heard Jayce's light chuckle, felt its vibration rumble in his embrace.
"Hey -" Jayce nudged him softly, "Trust me?"
It was almost unfair.
Viktor lifted his head just enough to get a glimpse at Jayce's face close to his.
Indeed, Jayce looked fine. Mildly shaken, still concerned. Somehow, still perfectly able to carry that boyish smile that tugged at the corners of his mouth and glinted in his honeyed eyes. As with anything surrounding Viktor's affliction with Jayce, it was incredibly disarming. In spite of everything that had happened, Jayce looked like Jayce.
Viktor in contrast must look an absolute mess, hair dishevelled, eyes red from crying, tears and other nastier fluids streaming down his face. Pathetic.
"I am sorry I made such a mess of everything," Viktor said, rubbing at his face to get some of the nastiness off.
Jayce shook his head.
"Did no one ever tell you that your first time is supposed to be bad?" How Jayce even found the nerve to jest in a situation like this was beyond Viktor, but he couldn't say it didn't help to lighten the atmosphere. "Granted, I'm sure when they say that, they usually don't mean that someone is going to have a full blown meltdown, but - "
"So far it is going pretty badly, huh?" Viktor covered his face in his hands.
"Bad might be an understatement," Jayce chuckled.
Viktor was quiet for a moment. A thought had crossed his mind. An uneasy suspicion. It would be hardly appropriate to ask, or any of his concern but he couldn't help but be curious - that scientific impulse he couldn't control even at his lowest. They might also have let propriety out the door a long while ago.
"Was your first time bad?"
"Pretty bad, yes."
Jayce's tone was oddly unaffected. Whatever had happened, Jayce had evidently made his peace with it, or was practised enough not to let it show. And Viktor, although his interest had been piqued, refrained from probing for details. Not the time, not the place, and not in the least because the idea of Jayce's first time with someone who was not him brought that tight, gnawing feeling back to his stomach.
"Not as bad as this time, though, I assume," Viktor said bitter, still mumbling into his palms, another bout of self-loathing impending.
He didn't get the chance to dwell on it because Jayce pried his hands away from his face rather abruptly. Viktor once again took notice how effortlessly Jayce could fit his wrists in his hands.
An indistinct but sorrowful emotion flickered in Jayce's eyes. Viktor didn't know what it was, or what it meant, only that it didn't look right.
Maybe Jayce simply looked sad.
"That's exactly what I was talking about earlier, Viktor. I don't want your first time to be bad. And I definitely don't want to be the reason why it is."
Whatever that emotion was, it had no right to be anywhere near Jayce. It didn't belong, and Viktor wanted it gone.
"You couldn't ever be."
Even when it meant to take all of it unto himself.
"You are the only good thing about any of this. And you were nothing but generous and considerate, as you always are."
Somewhere, Viktor found it in him to reveal his heart, to lay all in the open, hoping, trusting, that it would be handled with gentle care.
And if instead Jayce were to take it and tear it out, then so be it. It was his to take.
"And you were right, I don't have anyone else except for you to do this with."
Heat spread to Viktor's cheeks at the implications, and everything else that remained unspoken. For now.
"I wouldn't want anyone else."
The stunned, then quickly turning to delighted surge of joy spreading all over Jayce's features was worth the additional embarrassment. Seeing his cheeks rise with pride, rosy and dimpled, was worth the risk of heartbreak. What was another drop in an ocean of fear and shame if it meant ridding Jayce of sadness?
"I know this is probably the worst possible moment for that but I really want to kiss you right now."
This did it for Viktor, who wanted to laugh at the absurdity of it all, and at the same time wanted to cry from sheer relief. His treacherous body decided for him, once again, and did both.
"Yes, this is indeed the worst possible time for that," he said laughing through the tears, "but I think, as we have sufficiently established, that whatever this is can hardly get any worse. So you might as well."
This did it for Jayce, who in the very next instance was on Viktor, cupping his cheeks, wiping away at his tears, and kissing him with so much vigour that Viktor felt the force of Jayce's teeth crushing into his. It was the worst kiss of his life and he wouldn't have had it any other way.
They recovered fast and with Jayce chuckling against his mouth, Viktor found the courage to open his lips for Jayce who eagerly complied in deepening the kiss.
Somehow, they ended up right where this mess had started, amidst Jayce's too soft pillows, the sheets a little bit more of a tangled mess around them. They themselves, a little bit more of a mess - with the addition of many kisses, just as messy, shared between them. For a while, it was only this.
Until one moment when they had merely stopped for air, when they looked at each other once more and Viktor really got to wonder how he could have ever thought of ever being satisfied with just this. Not when Jayce, eyes half-lidded, and face flushed, was so willing in offering him so much more, and Viktor, a perfect wreck with a void in his heart longing to be filled, was willing to admit that he wanted all of it.
"Jayce?"
"Mhm?"
"Can we still have sex?"
"Mhm."
"Right now?"
The muffled laughter that shook Jayce's whole body, as he buried his face in his pillow, was bordering on hysterics.
"Man, you really are something else, aren't you?" Jayce tried to pull himself together, but was evidently unsuccessful, as his chuckles still shook his entire body, and the mattress for that matter. "I mean, I really have to hand it to you, you sure know how to set the mood." Clearly, the lack of oxygen had done nothing to deprive him of the capacity for mockery.
Viktor huffed. Dead serious in his suggestion, he was not much appreciative of Jayce's timing for humour. Then again, there wasn't much he could bring forth to argue against that. If anything, Jayce's point had already been sufficiently proven tonight.
"Is that a 'yes'?" he asked instead.
"It's not a 'no'."
"Now you are the one who is being confusing."
Jayce propped himself up on one arm.
"Are you absolutely sure this time?"
"Yes," Viktor gave him a peck to the corner his mouth, and was pleased to see the tip of his ears turn a dark pink. "Absolutely sure."
Jayce took a deep breath, resigning himself to compliance with Viktor's whims. Something told him there hadn't been much reluctance to overcome anyway
"Just promise me one thing, okay?"
"Let's hear it and we'll see."
Jayce cupped Viktor's face in his hands, a stern warmth in his gaze.
"Let me make this good for you, please?"
Viktor's cheeks burned in Jayce's hold. How could he ever find it in him to deny Jayce that request?
"Do your worst, then."
So, Viktor wrapped his arms around Jayce's neck, pulling himself against his broad chest, into another kiss, easy and unguarded, and was immediately rewarded by Jayce sighing fondly against his lips.
Braver yet, Viktor dared to run his fingertips through the short hair on the back of Jayce's head, earning him soft shivers, and the sensation of Jayce sucking on his lower lip - the biting sting of which unexpectedly enjoyable. Viktor's heart beat faster, filled with unbridled affection for the one man who had come to be the centre of his universe.
Jayce was trying to make good on his side of the bargain, kissing him deep, while running his hands tenderly over any spot on Viktor's upper body he could reach, tracing his collarbones, moving down his chest. Viktor had to bite his lip when Jayce circled the contours of his nipples, stimulating the sensitive nubs that prickled and hardened under his touch. To his frustration, Jayce's hands moved further down way too soon, to caress over his flat stomach, and Viktor really couldn't complain when a jolt of excitement made his hips twitch involuntarily as Jayce pressed his thumbs into the dips of his hip bones.
It was still so bizarre, having Jayce touch his body, touch him all over, exploring all the pieces and parts of him that he so desperately wanted to hide. And Viktor would be lying if he were to pretend that the notion wasn't still screaming somewhere in the back of his mind, reverberating on the periphery. But it was drowned out by Jayce who touched him without hesitation or restraint, who had moved on from kissing his lips to kissing down his neck, biting down right underneath his jaw, leaving Viktor to gasp and writhe, causing purple bruises to bloom along Viktor's skin. Markings of affection, not sickness. Markings of possession and belonging. He couldn't help but bare his throat to Jayce's teeth, begging for more.
He got it, too, as Jayce moved on to give the same treatment to the rest of him. And
Viktor, although he couldn't know for sure, would swear Jayce was kissing and biting along the clusters and constellations of freckles and birth marks speckled across his skin. And if he was not, then at least Viktor wanted to believe he did, because it did unspeakable things to Viktor's heart.
Completely pliant underneath Jayce's attention, Viktor was unable to do anything but take whatever Jayce offered him. Every fibre in his body responded to him, the anxious tension in his abdomen turning into electrifying arousal that shot its sparks through the rest of his body, settling hot and white in his most sensitive parts that desperately ached for Jayce's touch.
Viktor was so lost in sensations, in grasping at sheets, fingers struggling to find purchase, that he barely registered that Jayce had moved up again, nuzzling against his neck.
"Do you trust me?"
Viktor had no idea what Jayce meant, barely even registered what he had asked. He just knew that the answer was 'yes'. His incoherent sounds of confirmation must have been good enough for Jayce, who kissed him again, long and hard.
The first touch of Jayce's hand against his half-hard erection was electric, even when it was barely more than Jayce softly palming at his clothed dick. However, when Viktor showed no sign of protest, he quickly became bolder, fingers exploring the shape of his bulge. Viktor couldn't have protested, even if he wanted to, as his voice had failed him beyond gasps of unabashed arousal. Without any capacity for shame left in him, Viktor could barely care about how needy he must sound.
Jayce unbuttoned his pants with deft fingers, eyes fixed on his prize, fixed on Viktor, licking his lips. Viktor recognised that type of expression instantly. Jayce wore it when tinkering with their inventions, or solving irresolvable arcane equations: focused, meticulous. Watching Jayce's ingenuity at work was exciting, finding himself the object of Jayce's undivided attention was something else entirely. Viktor had never been this turned on before.
"Jayce, please."
Viktor wasn't sure what he was pleading for, just knew he got it when Jayce briefly stroked along his taut abdomen, and then slipped a hand past the lining of his underwear. Viktor gasped. There was a roughness to Jayce's hands as he slid against his cock, undoubtedly caused by blisters and callouses sustained by the swing of an unrelenting hammer upon an anvil. It made everything feel even more intense. Victor let out a low, needy moan.
"Good?"
Viktor could only nod.
"Good. Tell me, when it gets too much."
Jayce pleasured his cock with expert strokes, gliding along his shaft to the sesnitive tip, teasing it carefully, right on the edge to being painful. Under Jayce's dexterous fingers, Viktor was quickly growing fully hard, the constraints of his pants uncomfortably tight. He needed them off. Now. It was a struggle, lying on his back, Viktor tried to pull them out from under himself, wriggling his hips in an attempt to shimmy out of his trousers. Fortunately, Jayce understood what he was trying to do, and withdrew his hand to help remove the offending garment, leaving Viktor in just his underwear, panting and shaking.
Jayce halted, open-mouthed and breathing heavily, taking in all of Viktor through half-lidded eyes, face glowing with awe, feverish of unbridled longing. Reverence.
For the very first time, Viktor wouldn't have minded seeing himself, or at least that other version of himself, the one that existed in Jayce's eyes: Viktor barely covered, lying in between ruffled sheets, remnants of tears still visible on flushed cheeks, teeth worrying kiss swollen lips, blossoming bruises and bite marks of purple and red adorning fair skin, playfully tousled curls framing delicate features, golden eyes glinting from behind half-closed lids.
Alas, it was not for him to see. It belonged to Jayce alone. He belonged to Jayce alone.
Jayce, however, did not have any inhibitions, nor the fortitude to keep that secret for himself. The words spilled so easily from Jayce's lips. He'd call it carelessly. But nothing about them was.
"You're so beautiful."
It didn't sound quite right.
And Viktor couldn't say it didn't hurt, either. But the pain was bittersweet, lapping at his tender heart, which was so desperate to hear it, aching to believe, to trust enough to silence the doubts. Just this once.
"Say it again."
To Jayce, this meant something.
"You're beautiful."
To Viktor, it meant everything.
"Hopeless romantic," Viktor mumbled under his breath. It did nothing to conceal the affection in his voice.
Jayce shrugged, unperturbed, if somewhat sheepish.
"You can't hold that against me. You knew that." Jayce grinned. "And you like it!"
Viktor couldn't help but grin back up at him from where his head rested against the softness of the pillow. Jayce just had a way of lightening any burden weighing him down.
"It is one of your more charming features, I must admit."
Viktor reached out, uncertain fingers finding one of Jayce's hands, and pulled him down. Demanding, and selfish. For once, he deserved to be.
"Now make good on that promise of yours, before I change my mind."
Jayce chuckled as he let himself be guided down.
"Oh, please. Not again."
The kiss that followed was the most heated one yet, all tongue and spit, hungry and eager, and when Jayce placed his palm back on Viktor's length, Viktor readily parted his knees for him, thighs straining and opened far to allow Jayce to stroke him to hardness until he was fully erect and leaking inside his underwear. This time, it really didn't take much for Viktor to get close to the edge. It happened fast. Too fast.
"Jayce - ah - it's - a bit -"
"Too much?"
"Yeah, ah - "
Jayce withdrew his hand to instead draw small, soothing circles over his flat stomach, awarding them both a moment of reprieve from their making-out.
Catching his breath, Jayce let himself sink down onto the pillow next to Viktor. Strands of hair had fallen onto his forehead that was faintly glistening with sweat, his ears were reddend and his mouth slightly parted, Jayce looked extremely kissable.
"You can touch me, too, you know?" Jayce said from somewhere close to his ear, "If you want to."
Viktor turned his head further so he could better look at him, vision faintly blurry, the only thing in focus was Jayce's flushed face in the dimly lit room.
"I don't - I, mean, I do want to - I just, I don't - "
Of course he wanted to. He didn't know how.
And Jayce understood. Of course he did.
"Just do what feels right," he said, planting a chaste kiss on Viktor's temple, right next to his brow.
"How would I know that?"
Jayce's smile held all the power of the forge to melt all of Viktor in an instant.
"The same method as always: trial and error."
"Right. Since this is like science," Viktor teased.
"Right. You know it's right when it feels like it is."
"So, it is not like science at all."
"Right."
They both looked at each other and then burst out laughing at the same time.
While still holding in giggles, Jayce's was slowly stroking up and down Viktor's side, from his hip to his rib cage, softly tickling him, making him shiver with delight.
It did feel right.
"I seriously cannot believe you," Viktor said with a small smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. "This is exactly that kind of nonsense you spouted that got us here in the first place."
"I did?"
At this point, Jayce's obliviousness regarding his complicity on everything that had transpired and exactly what he had said that first fateful conversation at the lab two days ago, only evoked mild incredulity in Viktor. Incredulity and a fondness that threatened to burst his chest wide open. It was just so…so Jayce.
"Yes! You compared our work on Hextech, our search for a way to unify science and magic, to sex."
"Huh."
Jayce seemed surprised, if only for a second, and then beamed right back, his smile plucking on Viktor's heart strings.
"Then maybe this is like magic," Jayce said, followed by the tender press of Jayce's lips against his own.
And maybe it was.
Viktor's entire world had been reduced to soft shivers, Jayce, and an all encompassing longing for anything more Jayce was willing to offer him. He'd selfishly take it all, even when it was technically his turn to give.
Viktor wanted to make Jayce feel good in return. Show him, that he cared. How much he cared.
"Can I…?"
He only had to do what felt right.
"Yes, yes, of course. Just do it, Viktor. Please."
And hearing Jayce beg for it - for him - was the last push he needed.
Apprehensive, Viktor let his hand wander to the bulge in Jayce's pants, feeling the solid weight of him, semi-hard and neglected, against his palm.
Inexperienced as Viktor was, as he was massaging Jayce's cock over his pants, he attempted to mimic as best as he could how he would touch himself in lonely nights - often in a futile attempt to release endorphins to assuage some of his chronic pains. If it worked on him, it would probably work on Jayce. Some assumptions were safe to make, even in an unfamiliar context when approached with educated guess work, after all.
If Jayce's reactions were proper evidence, he must be doing something right. Jayce released a deep breath as Viktor let his grip drag over the length of his cock. Viktor found himself amazed at how much he enjoyed pleasuring Jayce with tender squeezes that made him shudder all over.
"Yeah, just like this," Jayce moaned, bucking his hips, pressing his dick up and into Viktor's hand, a spot of dampness seeping through the fabric of his pants.
Viktor himself was aching and hard in his pants, and it was nothing but sheer bliss when Jayce returned the favour, his hand back on Viktor's trapped length, rubbing him up and down, making him throb. Jayce was performing this over the clothes handjob with much more confidence than Viktor did. It made things easier, though, being able to clumsily imitate what Jayce was doing to him, who in turn seemed unbothered by Viktor's lack of originality or technique, grinding eagerly into his touch.
"Maybe we should..?" Jayce asked, panting hard, and tugging impatiently on the waistband of Viktor's shorts.
"…get these off?"
"Yeah…"
With some strained effort, Viktor lifted his hips a second time, his joints screaming in protest, right knee buckling a bit, but he bore it with a wince and a gritting of his teeth, while Jayce pulled his underwear off, the band of his pants slipping down the curve of his ass, as he allowed Jayce to expose the rest of him.
Jayce was looking down on him, eyes glazed over with want, licking his lips. There was not a single doubt left that Jayce wanted him.
That look of unrestrained desire, the chilly air tingling on his overheated cock, Viktor was beyond himself with need.
"Can I?" Viktor asked, mirroring what Jayce had just done, hooking one finger into the band of Jayce's sweat pants, pulling at it and letting it snap back with a smack. Jayce nodded with entirely too much enthusiasm, it made Viktor's heart swell.
"Hell yes, Viktor, please -"
Trembling fingers helped Jayce with ridding himself of his pants and underwear, one swift motion releasing his erection, the articles of clothing being thrown carelessly off the bed. Jayce let out a relieved sigh. His cock, curved upwards, was hard, glistening at the tip. Viktor swallowed at the size of it, something carnal stirring inside him. It was his first time seeing another man's dick up close like this after all.
His astonishment must have shown on his face, as Jayce flashed him a confident smirk.
"Like what you see?"
"Don't let it go to your head."
"You mean, I shouldn't get…cocky?"
Viktor rolled his eyes but just when he had opened his mouth to tell Jayce exactly what he thought of punning in the bedroom, Jayce pushed him backwards unto the covers with gentle force, climbing on top of him, the springs of the mattress creaking from the impact.
Viktor welcomed him with open arms that he threw around Jayce's broad shoulders, pulling him down to lay in between his parted legs. With a first cautious roll of his hips came the foreign yet pleasurable sensation of Jayce's manhood gliding against his own. Jayce was holding back, exerting restraint as not to overwhelm Viktor again. The sentiment was sweet. The concern flattering. The need in his throbbing length begging for release, however, was maddening, and his patience wearing thin.
"It's fine, you can move. I promise, it won't make me freak out again."
Jayce laughed at the impatience shining through Viktor's voice.
"Hey, this is a lot for me, too, you know?"
"Don't expect any sympathy," Viktor teased without any malice, palms stroking gently along Jayce's back.
"I don't," he said, leaning down to place a kiss on the corner of Viktor's mouth, who let his fingertips trail idly down his spine, tracing each ridge with gentle pressure, as far down as he could reach. Jayce shivered under his caress.
"I want you so bad right now, you have no idea."
If the way Jayce was looking down at him, pupils blown wide and golden irises ignited with barely tamed desire, was any indication, and if it was anywhere close to how much Viktor wanted Jayce, then Viktor might just have an inkling.
"Well, then a demonstration from your side is probably required."
Viktor placed one hand on the back of Jayce's head, and pulled him down, inviting more kisses, he was granted each one unrestrained and without hesitation. It was a lot. Intense. Their legs entangled, heated erections rubbing against each other, the friction of skin on skin, as the bed creaked gently under their shifting. And it all felt so good, and so much better than anything could have ever imagined.
Pleasure was rising embarrassingly fast to Viktor's groin with each long, hard grind of Jayce's pelvis into his. The muscles in his belly quivered and tightened, mind-melting, and if the heat were to increase further, he was sure, he might just melt into Jayce altogether.
"So good, ngh…"
"I'll make it even better, don't worry," Jayce whispered against his lips.
Viktor didn't get the chance to speculate what he meant, as Jayce took them both into his large hand, eliciting a soft mewl from Viktor. Every sensation was wet friction, tight heat, sweat slick skin, whiny moans, laboured breaths, and the rustling of fabric.
Jayce teased against the slit of Viktor's sensitive tip, making galaxies burst before his eyes. Crying out in ecstasy, Viktor buried his nails in Jayce's back.
Jayce let out a guttural groan, half-bitten and harsh, his body arching, convulsing in agonised excitement as if torn between flinching into or away from the sensation of Viktor raking his nails down his back. Jayce's cock was throbbing furiously, and impossibly hot against his own, hips bucking downwards.
He was far from done clawing at Jayce's back, seeing how it drove Jayce mad with need, who was pushed to the limits of his of patience, to the heights of his desire, leaving angry red scratches on his skin, trailing downwards until he reached the curve of Jayce's behind and with a tight grabon Jayce's ass, pulled his pelvis flush against his own, in between his open legs.
One knee, the good one, thrown over and clinging unto Jayce's waist, the other one uselessly trembling against the mattress, twitching in jolts of pain and pleasure. Viktor held tightly onto Jayce with one arm, feeling the firm flex of straining muscles along the other man's abused back. Viktor's other hand reached between them, joining Jayce in pleasuring them both. It was his first touch on Jayce's bare cock, veiny and warm, and oh so hard. His fingers were brushing against Jayce's, against his cock, against his own cock - both of them feverish - the glide slippery wet from their precum.
"Shit, Viktor, yes," Jayce voice was raspy, his jaw tense.
They were grinding against each other, into the shared grasp on their cocks, the slick noises of wet skin rubbing against wet skin obscene in the air. Jayce was pressing him deeper into the cushions with each roll of his hips, the sliding movements were smooth, yet growing more erratic, and Viktor was trying his best to meet him as much as his weakened thighs and hip allowed. The mattress springs squeaked louder underneath their coupling, mixing with the noises of their pleasure.
Viktor was a mess, reduced to sobs, and stuttering moans, and gasps, and helplessly clinging unto Jayce, who didn't fare much better, torn between jerking them both off, strokes long and lingering, and moaning words bereft of sense but not devoid of meaning against Viktor's skin.
It was all so much. Jayce cupping them, rubbing their cocks together where the pulsations were worst, fingertips brushing against his swollen tip. He couldn't even distinguish between Jayce's touch or his own. The tension in his lower belly was rising fast, heat seeping into his stomach. Tremors all along the length of his spine, and all of his systems on the brink of overheating, dangerously close to the melting point.
"Jayce - I'm - ah, ah…!”
Muscles convulsing and oversensitive, a sudden sharp cramp in his leg spreading up and down and outwards through his thigh, his calf - the pain fusing into the coalescence of sensations currently flooding and overloading his system - until Jayce pressed around the underside of Viktor's cock and it all burst forth and Viktor was coming, spasms seizing his body, thighs struggling to stay open, back arching off the bed, his release spilling between their bodies.
Jayce didn't stop. Couldn't stop. Spurred on by Viktor's orgasm, his thrusts grew erratic, driven wild with need, chasing his own release. It only took a few more strokes, rough and agonising against Viktor's twitching, over-stimulated cock, before Jayce came with a sudden, hard slam of his hips and a raw cry of Viktor's name, his cock pulsing and pulsing, the wet warmth of his seed hitting Viktor's stomach.
Spent and exhaling heavily, he collapsed on top of Viktor who welcomed him into a tight embrace, with both of their sweaty bodies resting against each other, coming down from their shared high. And when Jayce attempted, after a moment of catching his breath, to roll himself off of Viktor, he didn't let him, determined to hold Jayce close for as long as he could. Thus trapped and resigned to his fate, Jayce sighed kisses along Viktor's jaw, moving up, until he could kiss him on the lips.
They lay together for a while longer until Viktor had to concede that it couldn't last forever. And not for want of willingness but for reasons a great deal more mundane. Jayce's much larger frame was getting heavy on top of him. There was cum spattered on his skin, both Jayce's and his own, and while that had been hot in the heat of moment, in the aftermath it was admittedly kind of nasty, the fluid drying down cold and sticky.
There was also that all too familiar throbbing in his right leg, unable to relax due to Viktor keeping his thighs open for Jayce to lay in between them which was placing additional strain on his knee. At the end it was this familiar affliction that disrupted the moment for good, as a the ache in his leg had built up enough that it caused Viktor to audibly wince.
"Shit, did I hurt you?"
Viktor shook his head.
"It is fine," he said but cursed under his breath, "This is not the most agreeable arrangement for my leg."
"Wait, let me -," Jayce immediately scrambled to get off of him, and Viktor bit down the urge to protest.
Luckily, he didn't have to miss Jayce's embrace for long, as he simply readjusted to lay on his side, pulling Viktor back into his arms with his chin tucked against Viktor's temple, his nose nuzzled in his curls.
The new position did help ease some of the worst pain, and Viktor could probably live with feeling sticky for a little while longer. Would have to. Since Jayce, drowsy and content in his afterglow, was getting comfortable against him, entangling their legs, and not showing even the slightest inclination of doing anything regarding their current state of filthiness. With a small smile that Jayce couldn't see, Viktor resigned himself to his cruel fate of being cuddled, wrapping his arms around the other man.
"Sooo…" Jayce asked, when Viktor had fully settled in against him, his breath tickling against Viktor's scalp, "How was your first time?"
The best it could have possibly been.
"Ehh. All things considered it could have been much worse."
It had been with someone he cared about, someone he trusted.
It had been with Jayce.
Which meant it had been perfect.
Jayce laughed heartily.
"Well, we can always do better next time."
"Next time?"
"Only if you want to, of course!!"
Viktor pretended to give the proposition much due consideration, tracing gentle fingertips over Jayce's heart.
"Mhh. Yes," he said eventually, "I think this issue requires much further, more elaborate experimentation. I am still not convinced you have adequately proven your hypothesis."
"My hypothesis?"
"Regarding Hextech. And sex."
"Ohh! Yeah, maybe I was wrong about that one."
And if two days ago, Viktor would have undoubtedly and wholeheartedly agreed, now, after this whole ordeal, and to his own surprise, he wasn't so sure if Jayce, in all his foolishness and in his singular wit, hadn't been on to something.
Maybe he had been right all along.
Maybe this was somewhat like science, and somewhat like magic, too.
He'd keep an open mind.
And maybe it didn't matter at all, as long as it felt right.
And it did.
Of that, Viktor was sure.
As long as Jayce held him close to his heart. The steady beat of a hammer. Precious and fragile feelings fluttering inside his chest. Affection. For the man slowly drifting into sleep beside him.
Some things were worth taking the risk for.
Some things were worth the pain and the hurt.
When underneath it all -
Something tender that had been violently torn open, torn apart, and that would never quite fit the same ever again, was gradually, under gentle care, being melted and reforged into something else.
Hopefully, into something better.
Something good.
"Thank you, Jayce. For everything."
Viktor could hear the affectionate smile on Jayce's lips when he spoke.
"Anytime, partner. Any time."