Archive of Our Own ^beta

The fear of being seen. Something that haunts him, a past life that follows him and taunts him when he lays awake at night. The fear of someone finding out about a part of him he’s kept buried for a long time, it’s a slim chance and he’s done everything to keep it hidden even if times have changed a little. Neal leans over the balcony of June’s house and looks at the city bustling below, the sun bears onto him from above, he rests his elbows against hard concrete and lets his thoughts wander. The past year of his life have been quite eventful, from being released into Peter's custody to following the clues Kate left behind for him. What could have been, his happy ending with her being literally blown to smithereens in an explosion which left him feeling lonely and empty like his heart had been ripped from him and hazardously shoved back so he can continue to function.

Kate was the only one that saw him for him and didn’t judge for it, so often in life women and men have rejected him when they found out he’s transgender. He gets it, people have their preferences but it doesn’t sting any less and has forced him to keep it more under wraps especially with this new tentative deal with the FBI. Of course it’s never been on any of his documents and he would never verbally say it until he fell into bed with someone. When he met Kate everything changed, finally someone who could see past that part of him and embrace everything. Things were going too well of course. Neal hasn’t felt that happiness in a long time, solving crimes with Peter is close enough for now as nothing beats the feeling of besting the best in a game of cat and mouse or more predators circling one another.

All his life he has been a conman from forging his good grades and sick notes to skiving off class and smoking a cigarette (that effect was lost when he almost coughed up a lung in front of some wannabe cool kids but alas). Being in WITSEC had its benefits and his ability to forge identities on a whim helped him build an identity that felt like him, the one and only Neal Caffery. Professional conman and art connoisseur, brazen and overconfident, is what Peter and Co saw but on the inside he doesn’t know who he is.

Neal sighs feeling tears prickle in his eyes, he hasn’t let himself cry since he saw Kate die in front of him because he can’t afford to let his guard down, not when he should be trying to find her killer. It seems all his emotions are brimming on the surface, anxiety and frustration being the most prominent, he sniffs and inhales as he wills them to leave him alone. This is what he gets for waking up at the crack of dawn, though he had barely been able to catch a minute of rest tonight as whenever he closed his eyes he saw Kate dying again and again. Sometimes he’d wake up in a cold sweat and tangled sheets as joined her in the explosion. At least he’s back working with Peter and channeling his energy into work instead of pacing a cell.

He takes in a breath, moving to lean back against the brick and look up at the sky. Blue and yellow hues painting it nicely as clouds move lazily, Neal could so easily get lost in it as he often does.

Kate lying next to him, she laughed as they watched the sunset at the top of their apartment building. They had just had dinner at a fancy Indian restaurant, Neal had surprised her as they hadn’t spent much quality time together.

“Oh Neal…” She smiled and kissed him chastity.

“Kate?”

“It’s nice being with you. I’ve never felt this way about someone before.”

“Me neither… No one’s ever been able to get past the… y’know. It’s nice not having to hide that part of myself from you.” He admits honestly.

“You should never have to hide, Neal.”

She caressed his cheek fondly, they had talked about this a handful of times as she understood Neal doesn’t like talking about it much. It’s nice to have someone who gets you and doesn’t prod at healing wounds but instead kisses it all better. Neal treasured his time with Kate. Eventually it had to come crumbling down and all he could do was watch.

Simpler times those where, the one positive is that he’s putting away bad people instead of robbing or lord forbid working with them. Mozzie is the exception of course as he means well, Neal trusts him with his life after all they’ve been through and is the one other person that knows his secret. Sometimes he thinks about telling Peter or the team but he doesn’t even know how one would bring up such a thing, there’s also the fear of being known. So much could go wrong and his mind makes sure to run though all of them every time he even considers it, all his childhood it was drilled into him that being different was bad. He can’t help but wonder what his dad would think of him now as he’s far from the rebellious girl he grew up as, Neal is proud of the man he’s become despite everything. Working with the FBI has changed him, he’d never admit that to Peter though not over his grave.

Neal absently traces over the twin scars on his chest, at least being a forger paid well though sometimes he wishes he could create more original pieces. Sure he can copy some well known artist but finding one’s own style is also important for individuality sake. It’s his day off today thankfully. Neal heads back inside and picks up a paint brush, he lets his heart guide his hand across the bare canvas. Painting is a freeing process, pinks and blues splatter across the canvas and his vision starts to come to light. The background is a messy gradient of colours and in the middle is the vague outline of a body similar to his with bright yellow scars that boldly oppose his inner thoughts and fears, instead giving the message that to be seen is to be powerful. Kate made him feel seen, Mozzie knew but didn’t it up after they talked it through, Alex gave him an eyebrow raise when they first slept together. He lets the good moments shine through as his paintbrush flicks across the canvas with final touches.

-

“Hon? Where are you going? It's like seven in the morning.” El groans and tries to pull him back to bed.

“To Neal’s.”

“Oh Peter…” She frowns.

Both of them have been worried about the ex-con since Kate’s death. It's been hard on him, he’s back working at the FBI and seemingly doing just fine if his cocky smiles and witty remarks are anything to go by. They’ve had a few small cases so far, the team share his concerns but are treating Neal as usual, Neal seems like the person to hold in everything they’re feeling until the dam holding it all together breaks apart. El has told him time and time again to give the man some space but today he feels the sudden urge to go round and provide some much needed distraction even if it’s coffee and a warm pretzel. His wife has much accepted that Neal has become a part of their daily lives as the felon wormed his way into their hearts like some parasite.

Peter smiles at the barista that hands him two cups of coffee and a pretzel to go, he hopes this will at least cheer Neal up a little. June greets him at the door, Bugsy paws at his feet as he heads over to the stairs.

“The boys going through it…” June sighs wistfully, a knowing look in her eye which makes Peter’s heart pang.

“He’s strong, June.”

She nods and goes back to whatever she was doing before.

He feels a sense of apprehension wash over him, El is better at dealing with emotions as he just stands there like a buffoon, though he’s improved after marrying her. Still, Neal is certainly something and much akin to a child bottling it all up until it explodes. Peter has learnt that keeping things to himself will always end badly which is why he and El are still and will always be going strong no matter what, it’s why he can see the turmoil that Neal is going through with Kate, he remembers first seeing Neal in his empty apartment holding an empty bottle. It broke his heart watching that scene play out and for it to end so abruptly… Well Peter wouldn’t know how to deal with that on his own.

Peter steels himself and pushes the unlocked door open.

“Morning Neal! I brought some coffee and a warm pretzel, thought you could use a pick-me-up and company.” He says jollily but pauses when Neal doesn’t turn around.

Neal seems to be in the middle of painting something that’s obscured by his lean body, he isn’t wearing a t-shirt but has some jeans on thankfully otherwise Peter would’ve died on the spot. It’s like walking in on your child except Neal is a fully grown man (he doesn’t ask like it though) and is his partner.

“Peter! I wasn’t expecting you…” Neal says with a slight shake in his voice which surprises him.

“Well I just thought I’d pop by, what’re you painting?”

Peter puts down the offerings, frowning at Neal’s sudden standoffishness and overall demeanour.

“Nothing, it’s nothing. Just turn around while I put a shirt on.”

“Oh come on Neal, we’re both guys here, nothin’ to be ashamed of. I won’t judge.”

“I doubt that.” He hears Neal mutter as if he can’t hear.

“What’s got you like this all of a sudden, is it something I’ve said?”

“No! It’s just… You wouldn’t understand, just turn around.” Neal pleads, unlike his usual charismatic voice he sounds afraid.

It reminds him of when he found Neal alone, raw and emotional, something he’s only witnessed when he clutched that wine bottle and watched that plane exploding. Peter remembers the pull of his heart when he held the kid back the embers and fruitlessly went after Kate. Seeing him in prison and so downtrodden made him angry and upset at the system but this is different, Neal is scared for some reason. A gnarly scar maybe? Peter wants to get to the bottom of this otherwise it’ll bother him like a stone in his shoe, El would probably scold him for treating Neal like a case but in fairness he’s always treated the ex-con like a mystery to be solved.

“Neal, whatever it is I’m not going to judge but if you want me to turn around then I will.”

“Do you promise? That you won’t tell anyone, I’m serious Peter not even El.” Neal sighs, putting the paint brush down.

“I promise, lock and key Neal.”

The kid rakes a hand through his hair but concedes and turns to face him but doesn’t look peter in the eyes. For a moment Peter stares dumbfounded as what is supposed to be the big secret aside from the fact that Neal works out a lot, the silence stretches on as Peter desperately tries to figure out what’s different. There are two scars on his chest but he’s not one to judge and he has no idea if it’s supposed to mean something.

“Am I supposed to be seeing something different?”

“What? Yes, Peter you’re not serious are you?”

“Yes I am, sure you have scars but everyone has them Neal. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.” Peter winces at how painfully parental that came out.

“Oh my god I’m not doing this.” Neal puts his head in his hands.

“Doing what?”

Peter wafts his hands around confusedly, Neal gestures for him to sit so he does and waits for Neal to explain what the hell he’s talking about. Suddenly he feels like the child about to be lectured about something, the ex-con takes a generous sip of his Italian roast and a bite of his pretzel before huffing and crossing his arms. Peter's eyes roam over to the canvas left abandoned and notices it’s an original piece and he assumes it is a self-portrait. Blue and pink mingle together and in the centre is Neal’s torso in a light blue and a bright yellow highlights those faint twin scars. The colours remind him of something that he can’t quite place his finger on.

“I’m transgender,” Neal looks as if it physically pains him to admit but continues on when Peter doesn’t look any more enlightened, “I was born female but that didn’t feel like me so I transitioned to male, it’s why I have these scars. Honestly, Peter, do you live under a rock?”

He blinks, he has heard of the term before under a different name which makes him very old and a little embarrassed he didn’t connect the dots from the obvious evidence presented to him but in his defence he most definitely does live under a rock when it comes to things like this. Peter picks his jaw up, vowing to research this topic extensively, of course he has limited knowledge from Diana but admittedly it’s never come up until now.

“I’m sorry Neal, I shouldn’t have forced you to explain yourself. Thank you for telling me though, I’m proud of you and of course accept you? Is that the right thing to say?” Peter fumbles and Neal looks at him pitifully whilst simultaneously looking like a weight has been lifted from his shoulder.

“There’s no right thing to say, it’s just not something I enjoy going around saying.”

Peter picks up on the unsaid words, clearly Neal has been through a lot regarding this topic and it seems most of it is negative based on the closed off body language. Neal meets his eyes and smiles at him slightly, Peter lets out a laugh at the absurdity of this situation and to defuse some of the tension he felt building.

“I never thought this was how I’d tell.” Neal shakes his head.

“Oh? And how were you going to tell me?”

“I don’t know, I thought maybe you’d figure it out somehow even though I’ve buried it so deeply that not even you would reach.”

“Oh definitely, I have no doubt when you want to hide something you will but I don’t think I would’ve figured it out on my own. Does anyone else know?” Peter reaches for his lukewarm coffee and takes a sip.

“Not anymore, Kate knew. She loved me anyway.”

“I’m sorry, Neal. Just know that there are people that care about you and will support you. No one’s going to judge you for this part of you and if they do well I’ll make sure they’re seen to, that you can count on.”

Peter reaches over and pats the ex-con on the arm reassuringly, criminal or not Neal still deserves unconditional love and support and he is more than willing to provide that and so is the White Collar team plus El. Despite everything he’s growing closer to his CI day by day, Neal wrapping his spiky vines around him even as he tries to convince himself Neal is just a criminal. Peter has seen so much more in him since and this new revelation is only making him a little more attached. He’s glad to have pried open that hard exterior an inch so he could see inside the enigma that is Neal Caffery, a monumental task it is but eventually he’ll figure the man out.

Neal sniffs quietly, he seems to be deep in thought.

“Thank you for understanding, it means a lot.”

“Anytime, I better get going, leave you to your painting which is beautiful by the way.”

The ex-con mutters a thanks as Peter gets up to leave but pauses at the door when he senses Neal wants to say something to him

“Or you could stay, I’ll make omelets and you can watch your loud TV shows.” Peter smiles, nodding.

He’ll never say no to Neal’s amazing cooking and keeping him company.

“You’ve got a deal.”

Later that day when he gets home he feels a lot better now that the air has cleared between Neal even if only a small amount as there’s still things left unspoken. El seems to sense his relief as she gives him a small peck on the cheek and smiles with a knowing look. Of course he’ll keep Neal’s secret until he is ready to tell people himself, it could be months or years until he feels comfortable enough but he’s already gotten over one hurdle and knows that he has people that care for him even if he refuses to admit it.

“I'm glad I went round, El.”

“You got through to him?”

“Not in that regard, I have a feeling it’ll take some time as we try to find out who killed Kate. Unfortunately, I’m sworn to secrecy. Sorry Hon.” Peter strokes her silky hair as she frowns.

“Neal and Peter keeping secrets? He’s rubbing off on you.” El kisses him, not taking it to heart as she always seems to know.

“Maybe he is.”

It’s certainly a lot to process and he doesn’t fully understand it yet but he’s glad Neal shared this part of him despite his presumably difficult past, he’s glad he did find someone that loved and accepted him like he and El. He might not be like Neal but he understands wanting to be seen and loved past the glaring flaws and difficult feelings, El has stuck through him when times were tough or he dealt with a gruelling case. Peter wants to be there for Neal too and he’ll try as hard as he can to find who killed Kate and get justice for her unfair death.

He hopes that the ex-con can find someone else that’ll love him for him.