Archive of Our Own ^beta

Tim had been minding his own business, eating an apple as he carefully removed his toast from the hot toaster, when he heard Batman and Robin mentioned on the news channel playing on the TV in the background. He quickly abandoned his toast and skidded into the next room, sliding on socked feet, and frantically raised the volume button on the TV to make sure he didn't miss a word. The newscaster was discussing the recent Arkham breakout, listing all the rogues who had been returned to containment. Tim already knew this; he frequently listened to his police scanner while doing his homework. The newscaster moved on to discussing possible theories as to why people were saying that Robin seemed to be different in the last month or so. Tim almost sprained an eye muscle at how much she was missing the obvious: Robin was different because it was a different Robin.  What caught his eye was the unusually clear footage they had playing in the background of the previous Robin leaping off the edge of a building and doing a very distinctive and flashy series of 4 flips on the way down before deploying his grapple and gracefully soaring back into the air. Tim dropped his apple, mouth open in surprise. He knew that flip! He'd seen it once before, about 4 years ago! There was no doubt that the boy flipping from that building was Dick Grayson, who was now Nightwing! Which meant that Batman was Bruce Wayne, and Jason Todd-Wayne was the new Robin! It all fit! 

For a moment, Tim didn't know what to do with himself. However, Mother always said that no decision could be made without having all the facts! All Tim had to figure out was how to get more information. 

Tim spends some time stalking the Bats across rooftops and taking pictures with a telephoto lens. Tim eventually discards this idea because he isn't certain the Bats even follow a pattern in their patrol schedule. In addition, Tim is small for his age, and while he takes karate and gymnastics classes, he isn't naturally predisposed to athleticism. There's a high chance he'll get himself killed or worse if he keeps haphazardly attempting to follow the Bats through the city. He'll just have to rely on his computer skills to get him the information that he needs.

First, he began by hacking the GCPD. They wouldn't have the information he sought, but their security would likely have more holes, and Tim figured it was a good place to start. Once in the system, he almost gets absorbed in reading case files, beginning to sift through folders of both open cases and cold cases, but he restrains himself. He was on a mission! Plus, Batman's files would be better anyway. He even managed to backtrack to Batman and Robin's systems from the GCPD computers! Success!

At first, Tim entertained himself by sifting through case files and reading anything that looked interesting. He was delighted at the chance to finally see Batman’s case filing system in action, and he noted all the formats and conventions down in his handy, dandy BatBinder. It had begun its life as the BatNotebook, but some things just required a pouch to store, like the batarang Tim had found in an alleyway near the skatepark, and he was loath to store related things in separate places. That would just be a terrible organizational system!

Next, he looked through the contingencies, which were even more interesting! He noted these conventions down, as well, giving them a separate page like they deserved. He was about to call it a night so he could sleep and start a deep dive fresh and awake when he saw a horrifying file name. In a separate, hidden folder, Tim finds an Excel workbook authored by Batman and horrifyingly labeled Reasons I Am Sad.xlsx. This is unacceptable! Tim can't allow his hero to be sad! Heart in his throat, he opens it. It is separated into multiple sheets labelled Legitimate, Questionable, Petty, and Assholes. 

Tim begins reading through the file and regretfully notes that there isn't much he can do about the Legitimate tab. Most of the things on the list have already happened, and Tim has read enough cautionary tales about time travel to know that he shouldn't try to fix those. He makes a note to start a social media campaign against anyone who watches, makes content about, or mentions content about Bruce's parents' deaths. Tim loves True Crime as much as the next person, maybe a bit more, but people tend to use it as an excuse to be deeply callous about lost lives, especially when the victims still have living family. 

 Most of the other things on it are too dangerous for him to tackle for the same reasons that attempting to follow the Bats was out of the question. There are also a lot of systemic problems that Tim doesn't have the resources to help with. If poverty and homelessness are not going down in spite of everything Bruce throws at them, Tim isn't sure what he can do about them. However, he definitely can help with the other tabs!

He starts with the tab labelled "Assholes" because that seems the most pressing and the least morally gray. If someone made it onto Batman's list of assholes, Tim can be certain they deserve whatever vengeance he can come up with! The list currently contains: The guy who murdered Bruce's parents, The NRA, The Joker, Ra's Al Ghul, people who say Batman "needs" the Joker like he doesn't have better shit he could be doing, Melvil Dewey, Bane, Hugo Strange, and Alex Trebek.

 Tim squints at the list and draws up his newly created Contingency Template. He is fairly certain that Bruce already handled the guy who murdered his parents, so he skips that one. He agrees with Bruce that the NRA has gone publicly unchecked for too long and decides to implement a smear campaign against them and several of the other people on the list. He'll come back and flesh out those later. 

The contingency for the Joker, however, is very hard for Tim to come up with. At first, Tim is worried that the only way to stop the Joker would be to kill him. He knows Batman will find this unacceptable and that he needs another way.  Next, he looks at reasons that the Joker might like to laugh to see if he can remove those. He isn't certain that removing his physical ability to laugh will help, but he includes it just in case. He decides to look into medications that limit endorphins and dopamine. He can use an injector like the ones his mom uses for her migraine medications, since those just need skin contact and not a vein. (Some people have tried to imply that Mother's migraines are a weakness, but she maintains that she wouldn't have any if people weren't so idiotic.) If Joker can't laugh at anything, he'll have no motivation to play his "jokes". Tim's plan would leave him alive but too depressed to get out of bed, like how Tim feels when his parents take his camera away, lock him in his room, and then leave the country. Seems like a solid tradeoff!

Moving on to the next name! Ra's Al Ghul is mentioned in a number of places, but for clarity's sake, Tim decides to separate the files by general and inciting incident, although he'll implement the plans all at once. The next section may or may not have been influenced by Tim's recent watch-through of Mean Girls. Ra's al Ghul is an evil dictator. How do you overthrow a dictator? You cut off his resources. Ra's would be nothing without his army of loyal skanks assassins, mystical pools of zombifying rage Gatorade, and obscene amounts of wealth.

Tim creates a contingency plan document that involves taking out all 3, including blowing up all of his Lazarus Pits. However, the Pits will have to go last, since they're the most likely to result in retaliation. To get rid of the wealth, he decides to alternate between stealing money from his accounts and donating it to research on green energy and nature preservation (since Ra's pretends to care about that and can't take the money back without looking like a lying liar who lies (even though he IS.) He contemplates tying up his resources in a series of increasingly absurd lawsuits, but whoever he chooses as the prosecutor will both provide information about his identity that he can't afford to reveal and put a target on the poor lawyer's back. The army is also going to take several strategies. He decides to leave brochures for work with legitimate aid organizations in the rooms of all the assassins who seem to have joined for altruistic reasons. For those who joined for money, glory, or safety, he will leave information about the Mercenary Guild and/or instructions on how the assassins can form a union.

Tim isn't certain who Melvil Dewey even is until he Googles him. 'Oh, the library guy?' he thinks to himself. Upon further reading, he agrees with Batman that Dewey is a pretty shitty human being, and adds his name to the list for Tim's ongoing blog Outing Assholes. His followers will enjoy hearing about Melvil Dewey being incredibly racist and a sex pest. 

While he's at it, he'll also make some callout posts about people who say Batman "needs" the Joker. He looks into Alex Trebek, as much as it hurts him to think of him doing anything wrong, but finds nothing. With no controversy in his lifetime, Tim can only assume that Batman has some sort of personal grievance and vows to do more research. He will have to come back to this project later, anyway, since Tim currently doesn't have any plans for Hugo Strange or Bane. He switches to the questionable and petty tab and is inspired to become more proactive.

Tim decides that he deserves a reward for completing this unnecessarily stupid mission. He wishes that Green Lantern wore a cape so he could steal it and wrap himself up in it like the world's pettiest blanket, but alas, Green Lanterns do not wear capes. Edna Mode would definitely approve. Unfortunately, she's wrong, and the drama of Batman and Robin's capes and their ability to act as an emergency bullet shield more than defends their use in Gotham crime fighting, at least in Tim's humble opinion. Instead, Tim has to steal something else, so he settles on Green Lantern's domino. It's not like Hal needs it anyway, considering how bad he is at concealing his identity. Everyone knows Green Lantern is Hal Jordan. (Everyone does not know, but Tim's perspective is admittedly skewed.)

Tim forges a letter from Jason (because its easier to get a writing sample by stealing one of his handwritten essays than getting something from Dick all the way in Bludhaven) explaining that he knows B is an excellent father, much better than the one he had, but he doesn't know how to express that emotion, so it comes out in teasing and anger instead. He would really appreciate it if B could show his love more often, to further mentally separate B in his mind from Willis. Also, it means a lot that he CAN tease B. He also adds that "maybe it's time to ask Dickface if he'd like to be legally adopted again. I know he said no, but it's been years, and people are allowed to change their minds. It can't hurt to try!" Tim has noticed that Dick gets a little sad whenever someone introduces him as "Bruce's ward" and he can't imagine that Bruce hadn't asked to adopt Dick. Who wouldn't want Dick Grayson in their family!

 Tim isn't around to witness it, but his letter definitely works. Bruce is too emotionally constipated to say anything about the letter, but is more physically affectionate after and offers to listen more. Jason is too emotionally constipated to admit that he appreciates the change and too paranoid about losing it to ask what caused it. Neither of them ever finds out that the letter was forged. It works so well that B starts using the same methods with Dick, resulting in Dick coming back to the Manor more and being more involved with Jason.  Tim has the need to prove to himself that he was in THE Jason Todd's room (while he was getting the writing samples) and steals a pen off of Jason's desk as a souvenir. Bruce has bought Jason so many pens and various other writing supplies like stationery over the years that Jason assumes he simply lost one and never thinks about it again.

Tim decides to just steal Mad Hatter's creepy Alice body pillow, no complex plots required. He had originally intended to destroy it, but keeps it as a souvenir in a mirror to the trophies in the Batcave.  He puts it in a hidden room off of his dark room where he keeps all his pictures of the Bats, as well as the domino he stole from Hal Jordan and the pen he took from Jason's desk.

After waiting impatiently for a certain package to come in the mail, Tim is finally ready to strike out against the NRA. While this plan is admittedly local, he still thinks it'll at least be fun. Tim gets a list of NRA members in Gotham and orders a TON of Nightvale NRA stickers, keeping one for himself. Now the members are all easily identifiable with impossible to remove bumper stickers that have sayings like, "A List of Things That Kill People: 1) Conceivably Anything 2) Not Guns" and "If you say guns kill people one more time, I will shoot you and you will (coincidentally) die." This acts as a surprisingly effective warning system, especially when he expands it to the car of every person who has shot someone with a gun in Gotham. No one knows how the stickers know, and switching cars just gets you another bumper sticker. Tim has access to both the GCPD records and the Batcomputer records... of course he knows Gotham's gunshot information. People begin being much more creative with their weapon choices, and the ability to knife fight becomes much more sought after. This inadvertently saves the lives of several people in poorer areas, who now have a bit more of a fighting chance. 

Tim has gotten her some lovely pieces, but he doesn't feel like they're enough. Since his allowance won't cover it, he decides to take a page from Selina's book and steal the gifts instead. No one has seen the Imperial Cat's Eye Tiara since it was supposedly given to Queen Elizabeth, and there are no pictures of it, so Tim is fairly confident that no one will notice if it's gone. He goes spelunking in the Royal Vaults in the United Kingdom and gets his Alvin Draper alias labeled as an international art thief significantly sooner than he had anticipated, but he succeeds, so it's worth it!

In the process of sneaking into Selina's apartment to place the items, knowing that it's definitely something Bruce would do to avoid awkward interactions, Tim steals a tiny enamel keychain of a cat from one of Selina's bags. She knows that the kitten took it, just like she knows the lovely gifts came from him, but pretends to assume that it fell off somewhere. 

Fresh off his last international success, Tim decides that it's time to deal with Ra's al Ghul in person.

 Damian knows that the other child is definitely not one of Grandfather's Shadows (for many reasons, but mostly the fact that there are no children in Eth Athe'ban that are not related to Grandfather, and this child looks nothing like him). However, he decides that the older child is still very much a shadow. He isn't sure how to feel about this development,  but decides that it's certainly interesting and requires further observation and assessment.

When Tim gets the results back, they show that only a very small amount of the Demon Head's DNA comes from any of their Asian groups, and almost all is labelled as some sort of European. Tim papers the wall in Ra's study with the results, covered in a solution that makes it incredibly hard to remove, as well as articles and copies of his flier explaining why it's messed up to call it "The Orient". He tiles them by alternating between the two like a checkerboard and leaves no wall space bare. He makes it very clear that while this is a private intervention, it'll be a lot more public if Ra's continues. 

In a future several years down the line, Tim will solely greet Ra's with the phrase, "What's up, Broadly European?" He's currently 9, though, so it's too dangerous for Tim to reveal himself at the moment. 

While he's there, he steals one of his emerald and gold league daggers with the Al Ghul crest on it for his growing collection. Damian sees everything from where he's yet again spying through the vents because the need to gather reliable intelligence is apparently genetic. He decides not to say anything because he thinks the little shadow has a point. He is a bit enraged by the theft of Al Ghul property, but he knows he would do the same, so he has a newfound, begrudging respect for whoever this tiny gremlin is. He realizes that his grandfather is not infallible and that there are previously unforeseen holes in his research. He concludes that the only way to identify additional gaps in his knowledge is to continue following the shadow.

Talia is above bragging, but she knows her son very well, and Damian is hiding something from her. She tails him to see where he is going and sees that he is also tailing someone. Together, they watch the little shadow, wearing the domino that he had stolen from Jason for the Vibes, break into a series of assassins' rooms, leaving behind various items that he pulls from a Batman-themed backpack. Talia sighs silently, letting the children drift ahead of her to see what her Beloved's youngest Robin is depositing in the Shadows' rooms. Once inside, she finds some rooms have a book called How to Unionize and Why You Should, surprisingly well translated into the League Dialect, and some have a pamphlet called "Benefits of Joining the Mercenaries' Guild". This combination shows a surprising fluidity of morals that she would not have expected from one of her Beloved's proteges and a level of research that she definitely would have expected. It's clear that the item left behind is somehow tailored to each room's owner. 

As amusing and impressive as this is, the child will not be able to get away with this forever. She suddenly realizes that some of the other strange events that have been going on recently must have been the work of the little Robin as well, although he must have had help with the League's sudden financial difficulties. She cannot allow the child to be caught by her father, especially with Damian in his proximity. When she hears an assassin about to turn into the hallway that the children are in, she sweeps both of them up into her arms, ignoring a little muffled squeak of "hey" from the little Robin, and walks swiftly towards her rooms. She places both children down on her favorite couch in her personal rooms. Surprisingly, both sit the same way, perfectly upright, with their heads at the exact height to be confident but not snobbish, hands folded politely in their laps. Talia is surprised to note this and thinks that this new child of her Beloved might be her favorite yet, after Damian, of course.

Her investigation is a bit drawn-out, since neither child asked any questions of the other, choosing the more passive investigative route of gathering their own evidence. Alternating between League Dialect and English, upon discovering that neither child perfectly understands both and wanting her words and meaning to be crystal clear, Talia lectures both on acceptable risk-taking, stressing the fact that they had miscalculated and highlighting how disastrously dangerous the situation could have gotten.

When she asks them what she should have done instead, she gets the expected response from Damian that he should have brought the situation to her attention immediately. However, the little Robin looks absolutely baffled at the suggestion that he should have brought the problem to Bruce. Talia is deeply concerned that her Beloved is not caring for his children properly. The League currently being engulfed in chaos makes this a good time to transfer custody of Damian over to his father, but she has to ensure that he will be well-provided for. 

Tim has come to the realization that Lady Talia is Mother-shaped and must be obeyed at all costs. He falls into the behaviors trained into him by his own Mother and thinks she's built up to quite an impressive lecture! 10/10, very well reasoned, with a thoroughly dramatic execution, truly, he approves. He hadn't realized the Little Prince was still following him, otherwise, he would have obviously intervened to ensure the child's safety. Tim is no Robin, but he'd definitely never let a child get hurt! Tim acknowledges his error there. He can see the expected answer that he is supposed to give here, that he should have brought the situation to Bruce, but unfortunately cannot say that. Bruce barely knows him and has no reason to consider his opinion. It regretfully derails all the momentum that Lady Talia had been working up to, and Tim might never get to know what the thesis, the punchline of this lecture was supposed to be. What a shame! He thinks it would have been a masterpiece! However, he couldn't possibly have brought this to Bruce. Taking these lesser responsibilities off his plate was the whole point! Lady Talia must simply not know the very rational logic that brought him to this! Tim just has to tell her, and it'll clear everything up.

Talia pauses the lecture at the lack of response and the mildly constipated look on the little bird's face. Damian has never seen someone who clearly isn't going to say what they're supposed to and eagerly awaits whatever the older child will say next. "It would defeat the whole purpose if Batman had to deal with these problems himself. They make him sad! Batman deserves better than being sad!" Damian thinks this is an excellent point. His Father is a great and noble warrior. If the little shadow is one of his Father's underlings, then it makes sense for him to remove the thorns in his side so he can focus on more important issues. He refuses to believe that Father ever feels an emotion as insipid as sadness, but the little shadow is a child and cannot be expected to always speak with the precision he himself has been trained to use.

Talia realizes that her Beloved cannot possibly know that the newest little Robin is out here. Luckily, she caught the child before he could be harmed, and the situation has presented her with a very convenient opportunity. She excuses herself from the room for a moment to make a phone call. Behind her, she can hear the two children making stilted small talk and giving each other awkward, but genuine compliments. She smiles to herself as she calls Bruce's comms directly instead of her usual tactic of leaving a message with Alfred or on the computer in the cave (she refuses to call it the Batcave or Batcomputer because Richard Grayson is a menace who should not be indulged).

Talia goes into the phone call under the assumption that returning her Beloved's lost Robin will surely give her the goodwill that she requires for him to forgive her for lying about Damian's existence. When she hears the call connect, she opens with a conversational, "Hello, Beloved. I am just calling to inquire if you know where your littlest bird is?" 

Bruce is startled to hear Talia's voice sent directly to his cowl. He knows Alfred would never risk distracting him like this in the field, so she must have done it herself. For safety's sake, he gestures to a curious, watching Robin, who can hear Talia through the comms but cannot reply,  that they will both be withdrawing from patrol for a moment. It isn't until they're perched on top of Wayne Tower that her opening words sink in. Does he know where his littlest bird is? Of course. Jason is right next to him, sheltered under his armored cape like he should be. He makes a questioning noise. 

Talia's answer is ridiculously smug considering the situation. She continues as if he had spoken, "I'm disappointed in you, Beloved." Rude. "I will be putting him on a plane to Gotham with his brother momentarily. No need to thank me." And then Talia, the most baffling human in existence, hangs up.

 Bruce knows it's futile to try to contact her again after she's said her piece, so he doesn't try. Instead, he and Jason stare at each other for a few minutes, absolutely baffled. "You get a new kid you forgot to tell me about, B?" Jason eventually breaks the silence. "Two even? Forgetting to tell Dickie about me was one thing, but now you're trying to one-up yourself?" 

"I swear to you, Jay-lad, that I have no idea what she's talking about. I assure you, I learned my lesson last time," he says dryly. Jason squints his eyes at him through the domino, but nods anyway.  "Well, we should tell Dickface about the situation and he can wait for the new mystery fledglings with us near the Batplane." This is a solid plan, and Bruce is mildly horrified to admit to himself that the stress and confusion had prevented him from coming up with it himself. He's only good under pressure when it doesn't involve himself or his family. Maybe he hasn't learned as much from previous incidents as he thought he did. 

When he calls his eldest son, he pretends that he hadn't needed Jason to remind him. It's just a little white lie and totally worth it when an astonished Dick agrees to join them. Alfred sets up a little impromptu picnic next to the Batplane, all three members of the Wayne family dressed down in comfy clothes but still wearing dominos, as is Bat-regulation in any cave-adjacent scenario. They munch on snacks thoughtfully, Dick and Jason's gentle ribbing echoing through the cave as they wait for the plane to arrive.

Tim and Damian bond on the plane ride over. Tim tells anecdotes of the Bats and Gotham. Damian is still under the impression that Tim is a Bat and doesn't realize that Tim only saw these things happen from a distance. Some of the dialogue in his stories is probably a bit off, since Tim often has to rely on his lip reading, but he's sure his retelling at least has the spirit of the story, if not necessarily the accuracy. Tim decides that they have enough distance from Ra's and casually pulls out his phone mid-conversation, taps a button, and slides it back into his pocket. Around the world, Lazarus Pits explode in a shower of lime-green goo, but the information will take a while to reach Talia, and Tim has an excellent poker face. 

Damian regales Tim with stories of his upbringing, specifically his training. It'd be concerning to anyone reasonable, but Tim just finds common ground in their training on social and emotional manipulation.

Tim has given Damian one of his other spare dominos, although it's too big and sits awkwardly on his face, so he can feel included. Damian takes this as a sign of respect as a warrior, which is close enough to Tim's intentions that he does not clarify.

Neither the Bats, Talia, nor the two small children aboard the plane know what to expect when it touches down. 

Over the course of several very loud and confused conversations, Bruce and Talia begin to piece together what happened. Talia refuses to believe that Tim isn't one of her Beloved's children and insists that she did him a favor by returning his Robin. This isn't at all what happened, but Bruce doesn't make that particularly clear while dealing with the aftermath of Tim's chaos and doubling his number of children at once. In the end, Bruce can't help but take Tim in along with Damian. How can he not? Tim is Robin-shaped, Bruce's number one weakness! They'll just move him into the Manor and wait to see if the Drakes notice. He has a depressing suspicion that they either won't notice or won't care. 

Tim reveals what he had been doing under questioning from his first hero. Bruce asks him to make a Reasons Why I Am Sad list so he can return the favor. A shelf in his new bedroom in Wayne Manor holds a simple ballpoint pen, a suspiciously ornate dagger, an enamel keychain shaped like a cat, a bumper sticker, a bottle of sarsaparilla, a batarang, a damaged grappling hook, and a collection of dominos. The only thing missing is a body pillow, which Bruce deemed too creepy for a boy Tim's age and burned in a fit of pique. He replaced it with a well-made china doll styled like Alice in Wonderland, which Tim decided was an acceptable, and truthfully superior, replacement.