Chapter Text
To get back to the room without getting caught, they climb up the vines to get to his room. Frank thinks it's a dumb idea, hell he knows it's a dumb idea. Plus his head still feels heavy with the new insight he just gained about himself.
It's like the dream with his guitar again. How could he forget something that's just so ingrained into who he is? How could he forget about why he has scars on his legs, why he's so scared he'll hurt others, and how he ended up in this mess in the first place?
“Keep moving Iero, I don't wanna stare at your ass all night.” Gee grumbles, climbing the vines just behind him. He's being way too loud for someone who almost got caught that night.
“This is stupid!” Frank whispers loudly. His shaky hand carefully reaches up to grab more of the greenery. “We should've never left in the first place.”
“You really wanna live never knowing? I thought you wanted me to show you everything!” Gee says mockingly.
“This is different, I'm going through a lot right now.” Frank breaths harshly, lifting himself up. He also forgot how much he hates heights. “You didn't learn that you're a crazy person, I did.”
“You're not though, you're fine.”
“I caused a house fire claiming that I saw my grandfather in the walls. That's completely insane!”
“Well maybe you really did see him in the walls.”
Frank grips onto the vines even tighter as he looks down at Gee, “You're an asshole! I can’t believe you’re joking about that when I might have schizophrenia!”
“And you're a fucking pussy-”
Frank kicks Gerard's shoulder causing him to lose his grip and fall. The other man lands directly on his back, and Frank knows it's at least a seven foot drop. “Oh shit! Are you okay?” He starts to climb down.
“Keep moving, I'm fine!” Gerard groans, sitting up.
Frank grumbles, completely annoyed. “You're not okay, I'm going down there!”
“Frank, I swear to god, go up there or it'll be too late and I won't stay.”
The smaller man ways out the options in his head, and as much as he hates to admit it, he really wants Gee to hold him. After the night he's had, it should constitute as a basic human need right now.
So he continues to climb up, still somewhat worried that Gee might’ve injured himself. With a fall like that, he's surprised Gerard didn't get the air knocked out of him.
When Frank finally reaches his bedroom window, he pushes up the frame and pulls himself through. Landing on his floor with a thud. He gets up, brushing himself off, and is surprised to see Gerard climb through the window as if he hadn't fallen at all.
“What the-”
“I climb faster than you.” Gee mocks with a grin.
Frank lets out an annoyed groan, walking up to him. “Are you hurt? Can I-”
Gerard pushes aside the hand that's trying to assess him with a chuckle. “Frank, I'm fine!”
“No you're not, what if you have a concussion? That was a long fucking drop!” Frank's eyes rush over him.
Gerard's grin just grows wider before he pulls Frank into a tight hug. Almost squeezing the life out of him.
The words completely leave Frank as he's enveloped by the other man.
“If I say I'm fine, then I'm fine.” Gee whispers to him, and Frank can hear the shear giddy that drips from it.
“I'm just worried.” Frank claims, hugging the man back. He knows there's so much more to it then that, but this is all he can come up with.
Gerard giggles, his grip tightening around the other man. Frank can feel himself move as Gerard pushes them both to his bed. His giggling continues as they both land harshly onto the mattress, causing their limbs to land awkwardly in place.
Frank pulls his head away to shoot Gerard an annoyed look, but it's hard for the sight not to make him giddy. Gee’s grin is huge, showing off his cute pointy teeth and supporting his very red face. He just looks so happy to be there, that Frank all of a sudden doesn't know what to do with himself.
“Didn’t you make a big fuss about not wanting to get attached and shit.” He grumbles, although it’s really hard for him to stay mad at the other man.
“This is different, you went through a hard night, and this is your reward.” Gerard says it so simply as if there is truly no issue in it. There’s just something about him that also seems more relaxed. Almost like he’s more at ease in Frank’s room or on his bed.
He just doesn't get it, “What do you see in me?”
“Oh I see a lot.” Gee's tone is just as expressive as his face is.
“Like what?” It doesn't make sense to Frank because he knows what he sees. He sees a murderer, a crazy person, someone who can't live a normal life because their brain doesn't function like everyone else's does.
“I think…” Gerard's eyes scan his face, and he brings his hand up. “Hair?”
“Sure.” He mumbles, before feeling Gerard's fingers graze against his scalp. It's so relaxing, he naturally closes his eyes.
“There are two things I feel when I look at you.” Gerard's voice turns into a quiet whisper that lulls Frank's mind. “First, how deeply lucky I am that you're here, and then secondly how I'm in such deep shit because of it.”
Frank's eyes open slightly, “Why?”
“Because I know it'll never be the way I want it.”
“How do you want it?” Frank asks with a small smile pulling at his lips.
“You ask too many questions.” Gee chuckles, and Frank shakes his shoulder.
“Come on, tell me.” His smile breaks out on his face like a fever.
“I think you already know the answer.” He says simply.
“If that's the case, then just know I'm not stopping you.”
“Oh, I know that.” He chuckles, “That’s what makes this so difficult.”
“Then what is it?” Frank asks, “It's not because I'm a guy, is it?”
“I wish it was that simple.” Gee's fingers continue to run through his hair. “If we were in a normal situation that would probably be our only issue.”
“Then what is it?”
“It’s just not the right thing. I’d never forgive myself if you chose to be with me.” He says simply, and Frank finds himself at a loss for words. There's a long silence before Gee moves on, “Do you wanna talk about what you found?”
Frank shakes his head immediately, “No, don't ruin the moment like this.”
“Fine, then how are you feeling? I know I was giving you shit earlier for it, but I also know it is a lot for one night.”
“God, stop.” Frank groans, burying his face into Gee’s chest. “Just keep talking please.”
There's a long bit of silence, and Frank knows Gee has no idea what to say. So even though it pains him he answers in a quiet voice. “I can't believe I'm twenty. It doesn't feel right.”
“Yeah?” Gerard rubs his back slightly with one hand and uses the other to play with his hair. It makes Frank comfortable enough to continue his thought.
“Yeah, somehow it feels worse.” He admits, letting out a shaky sigh. “When I believed I was sixteen, I could imagine that when I did get out that I'd be finishing out my Senior year. When you told me I was eighteen, it made me feel like I missed that. Then it became, when I get out I need to finish my GED, and just see if anywhere accepts me. Now-...”
“You feel like you missed out on even more?”
Frank just nods, the worry of it all causes his throat to burn and pressure to build behind his eyes. “I would be in college by now.”
“Well what would you do if you were?”
“Fuck if I know.” Frank lets out a huffed breath, “My parents just always said that was the next step. If I didn’t know what to go for then just pick something that isn’t entirely useless.”
Gee hums, “I always wanted to go to art school.”
“Really?” Frank asks softly, picturing Gerard painting alongside a group of other students. The image made his heart warm up, because it just fits him so perfectly.
“Yeah, I would’ve been a real disappointment.” Gerard chuckles, and Frank joins in even though it’s probably true. He can’t imagine what his parents would’ve thought if he had decided to pursue art. They were already iffy about his dreams of pursuing music full time in the future. Well, a future that’s not even possible now.
“I wish I just had the chance to have a normal life.” Frank mumbles, “I’ve never seen a concert, I’ve never been to a school dance, I’ve never been on a date, or snuck out to go hang out with friends-”
“That’s not true.” Gerard states, “You sneak out all the time with us.”
Frank thinks it over, and while it’s not like the image he has in his head, it’s still very much true. Actually, it makes it even more special to him. If he thinks of it less like Gee giving him a tour, but rather them hanging out. “You’re right. I guess I do.”
Gerard’s face then lights up, “Wait, I have a game!” His hands shake Frank slightly. “Can we play it?”
This causes Frank to laugh, “Do I have a choice?”
“Great point, no you do not.” Gerard sits up, and Frank already misses their embrace.
He sits up as well with an annoyed groan, “Okay, what’s the game silly?”
“Depends, which do you wanna do first? School dance, or-” That’s when Gerard snaps his fingers, “Wait, no, I’ll leave that for another time. Concert or date? Wait no!”
“Are you gonna decide what the game is or not?” Frank asks, amusement bleeding out from him.
“Patients, god.” Gerard shoos Frank with his hand but it’s obviously a meaningless gesture. Apparent from how he’s trying to hide his smile. “I’m calling it Maybe In Another Life.”
“Ooo, really setting the tone already.” Frank mocks, crossing his legs. “How do we play?”
“Well, this is what’s fun about it, it’s role play.” Gerard leans forward, “You’re gonna go on that date, and I can be anyone you want me to be. Your first crush, a celebrity, or even your very own perfect person. Whatever you want.”
Frank hums as he pretends to think about it. In reality he already knows what he wants, but he’s willing to play Gee’s game. “Right… Anything I want… There’s a lot I can choose from.”
“We can start with looks if you want, or even just, am I a guy or a girl?” A smirk grows on Gee’s face, and it makes Frank’s brain freeze a little.
“Hm, I don’t know, what do you think?” Frank leans forward, holding Gerard's stare.
“I think it doesn’t matter as much to you.” Gee mumbles back honestly and Frank nods along.
“Accurate, but for this totally fake scenario I’ll go with a guy for this one.”
“Really?” His eyebrows quirk up.
“That’s just what I’m feeling tonight.” Frank shrugs with a smile, “Now, next question?”
“What does he look like?”
“Handsome, dashing, even pretty.” Frank states as if it’s obvious.
“Specifically Iero.” Gee glares slightly, but it’s playful.
“Fine,” Frank sighs a little as he stares into the other man's eyes. Right now in the dark they look like a muddy brown. “This guy is slightly feminine looking with long dark hair, and a really cute smile. He wears way too many layers like a dork, and brings a sketchbook everywhere he goes. Even on this date perhaps, and maybe he’ll ignore me the whole time because of it, and yet I wouldn’t be able to find it in myself to be upset with him.”
“Sounds like a recipe for a terrible date.”
“I’d give it a go.” Frank shrugs with a smile.
Gerard rolls his eyes with a smile, officially breaking eye contact with Frank. “You could’ve just said you wanted to go on a date with me ya’ know.”
Frank looks appalled, “Wow, you’re just gonna assume I’m talking about you? I thought we could only ever be friends.”
“Oh zip it, if you’re lucky you might get laid tonight.” It’s obviously a joke. Definitely just a joke. It doesn’t stop Frank’s heart from feeling like it’s tumbling down a flight of stairs.
His face goes hot, but he tries to persist with sarcasm. “Right, what now dungeon master?”
“Well, you need to be asked out on a date first so…” Gerard seems to look around before his gaze meets Frank’s again. “Would you go on a date with me Frankie?”
“No.” Frank responds, and Gerard's smile seems to fade.
“That’s not how the game works.”
“You’re right.” Frank cups Gerard’s face pulling him closer. He watches as Gerard’s eyes go wide, and a smirk grows on his face. Making this man flustered is the best feeling in the world to Frank. “Would you go on a date with me Gee?”
“Woah buddy,” Gee pulls back his face with a nervous laugh, “Buy me dinner first.”
“It’s a deal then?” Frank asks, sticking his hand out.
“Sorry, I only make deals with people without gloves on.” Gerard tilts his head with a smug look.
Frank takes off his glove, ignoring the unsettling feeling in his stomach as he sticks it back out. “I’ll pay if that sweetens the deal.”
Gerard sighs, shaking Frank’s bare hand. It still makes him slightly anxious, but his body is getting used to the touch. Making it not as bad as the first time. “Only since you’re such a gentleman.”
Frank stares down at their linked hands with a giddy smile on his face. He really is getting better, wouldn’t Ms. Thurston be proud. “What now?”
The other man lets go of his hand, “Well now we have to pick a place, and since this is your very first date, it’s gonna be a slightly shitty one. Just as right of passage sort of thing. Let’s say for this you have exactly ten dollars and fifty-three cents to your name. I’ll throw in a coupon to be generous. Now, where are we going Frankie?” Gerard’s voice gets slightly higher at the end, almost making it sound flirtatious, it makes Frank's stomach twirl.
“Um.” Frank thinks over it, “We could just get fast food then sit in the park?”
“Wow, you seem really broke right now, I might just stand you up.”
“You’re a fucking asshole.” Frank shoves his shoulder with a laugh.
“Come on, get creative, how are you going to impress me?” Gerard flashes him a flirtatious look that almost tricks Frank’s brain into thinking this is real. That they are actually having their first date in his hospital room.
“U-um.” He smiles awkwardly, thinking it over. “We could go see a movie.”
“Okay, classic. You’d have around two dollars left in your name.”
“Which I’d use to buy you flowers.”
“While very sweet, that also seems way too romantic for the first date.”
“Fine, then I’ll just pick flowers from my neighbors yard. Keeping the two dollars for myself.” Frank says bitterly.
A smile grows on Gerard’s face, “Awe, that’s sweet.”
“Now are we gonna go on this date?”
“Depends, are you picking me up or…?”
“I think we both know the answer to that question.” Frank tilts his head, almost mocking Gee.
Gerard giggles, moving to the right side of Frank. “Wow, I’m really being spoiled. Passenger seat and everything.”
Frank pretends to put his hands on a steering wheel while laughing, “So have you been on any actual dates before?”
“I think it’s a little rude to ask that on the first date.” Gerard pretends to be drawing, and it makes Frank laugh even more.
He watches Gee as he says, “I’m just wondering.”
“Eyes on the road Iero.” Gee points ahead of them, and Frank complies with a sigh. “Also I have, but I will say, you are the first person to ask me out on a date.”
“You’ve always done the asking?”
Gee chuckles, “Obviously. With sweaty palms and everything.”
That makes Frank’s smile grow even more just at the thought, “Wow, so you weren’t nervous to ask me out at all?”
Gerard shrugs, looking down at his imaginary sketchbook.
There’s a silence that overcomes them, and Frank pretends to park the car. “We’re here.”
“Wow, that was quick.” Gerard’s head perks up, and he finally looks at Frank. “What movie are we seeing?”
“Oh definitely a horror movie for sure.”
“Great.” Gerard pretends to stand up before sitting back down. “Okay, so we’re in the theater. Since it’s a scary movie, I might shuffle a little closer to you.” Gee’s shoulder brushes Franks, as he stares ahead. Frank assumes he’s pretending to look at a screen. “What do you do?”
Frank stares at him dumbly for a moment before slowly inching his arm up. Wrapping it around the other man's shoulders hesitantly.
“Also a classic move, which makes sense.” Gerard leans his head onto Frank’s shoulder. “It usually gets results.”
“Well what else could I do?”
“Fuck around and find out.” Gerard pretends to throw a piece of popcorn in his mouth.
Frank's heart flutters with all the possibilities, and he looks at Gerard dumbly again. That’s when he decides to risk it, and rest his left hand on Gee’s thigh. The denim feels rough against his hand.
Gerard looks up at him, and Frank notices how his face changes hue. “That one’s also pretty common, but it usually means something.”
Frank inches his hand up slightly, and it causes Gerard to let out a small gasp. “I know what it means.”
“Frankie.” Gerard mumbles, looking at Frank with wide eyes.
“Gee,” Frank says softly, inching it up even more. Cupping Gerard through his jeans which causes him to moan. The sound is instantly intoxicating, and Frank finds that he needs more of it. “Please.”
“The movie’s over.” Gerard shifts away, sitting out of reach from Frank. His face completely red. “We got kicked out for indecent exposure. You can give me a ride home.”
Frank stares at him dumbly, feeling bad all of a sudden. Maybe he shouldn’t have done that. “I don’t think I wanna play anymore.”
Gerard looks slightly hurt, “Right, sorry.”
“Don’t be, best date ever.”
“Also the worst technically.”
Frank smiles softly, “I enjoyed it.”
Gerard’s gaze drops, disappointment written all over his face. “We should talk about tonight.”
“You’re ruining the moment again.”
“Fuck the moment, this is important.” Gerard’s gaze shoots back up, and he looks worried. “What happened?”
That simple question feels like too much for Frank, not because he doesn’t know though. It’s because after reading everything on paper, all of it comes back to him. “I’m the reason my grandfather’s dead.” He chokes out.
“How?”
The emotions come rushing back to him as he thinks it over. “I was playing guitar in my parents basement.” Frank starts, and the air seems to get thicker around him. The harder he thinks about it the more painful it feels. He starts to choke on his words. “I was supposed to help him.” He mumbles softly, and his eyes start to sting slightly.
It’s one of the hardest things admitting that he’s the one at fault for what happened. How he was so neglectful he couldn’t help his grandfather in his final moments. The distraught look on his relatives face, how everyone knew it was his fault and yet no one would admit it. How afterwards the walls would seem to vibrate, and sometimes he’d see his dead grandfather out of the corner of his eye. Grief eating away at him.
Gerard sticks out his arms, “Come ‘ere.”
Frank hugs him without a second thought, tears burning his eyes. His throat feels on fire when he finally says, “I can’t talk about it. It’s too much.”
Gee rubs his back lightly, and Frank lets out a sigh as relief washes over him. He holds on to Gerard tightly. “I have a word for memories like that.”
Frank doesn’t say anything, his only focus is on the hand caressing him.
“I call them Tongue Biters. They’re not bad enough to be repressed, but they are bad enough that we just can’t talk about them.” Gerard explains softly, “I have them, Ray has them, pretty much all of the s- I mean, our group has them. You’re not alone in this.”
This does make Frank feel slightly better, although there’s still this underlying discomfort in him. It’s not coming from Gee’s touch though, that he knows. It’s the aftermath of knowing what he’s done. It’s the disappointment on his parents' face after they found out, and how he knows his sister still blames him to this day for it. It’s embarrassing, almost like how he chose to burn down the house to get away from it all.
He can’t go home after this. Frank’s grip grows tighter onto Gerard as he breaks out into a sob.
“It’s okay, it’s good to let it out.” Gee whispers to him, his hand setting a comforting rhythm for Frank's breathing to follow.
He’s shaking though, the thought completely tearing him apart. He can’t make up for what he has done. No praying, cleaning, or therapy will ever make up for it. He can’t go home. His hands claw into Gee’s back as he gets the front of his shirt wet. “Run away with me.” Frank’s voice comes out a broken mess.
A small chuckle comes from Gee, “I can’t.”
“Please!” Frank continues to cry, and it’s almost like he’s naked now. The most vulnerable he has ever been in his entire life. “Run away with me! We can sneak out and bring the others!”
“You’re not thinking straight. You’ll make it home, don’t worry.” Gee rocks him slightly, but Frank’s mind is already made up.
“I can’t go home, I need you to leave with me. Please, I’m begging you!” Frank feels out of breath as he speaks, his lungs a scattered mess. He croaks out, “I need you.”
Gerard then pulls away without any warning, he looks worried. “Frank, I already told you no.”
“That’s bullshit!” Anger surges in him within seconds. “We sneak out all the time, how is this different?!”
“I can’t Frank, end of story.” As he stares at Gerard, that’s when it hits Frank. Gee’s eyes are pretty, but there’s nothing behind them. No light, no glimmer of hope, and no need to finally escape. Frank realizes that something really did die inside of him. He realizes why Gee’s here in the first place.
“You can’t give up on yourself.” He forces out, “You can’t try to help me, and decide you have no chance of escaping. That’s bullshit.”
“Frank, stop.”
“No! If I’m getting out, you're getting out.” That’s when Frank takes Gerard’s hand with his bare one. “Maybe then you can take me on an actual date.”
Something shifts behind Gerard’s gaze, but it’s nothing good. Gee stands up, taking his hand away from Frank’s as if he’s been burned. “I should’ve never let you get this attached. This was a bad idea.”
Frank stares at him, slightly in shock.
“We can never be together. End of discussion.” Gerard says sternly, his gaze cold. “When you get out I won’t be there.”
“But,” Frank’s bare hand fidgets, and he knows he’s so fucked. “I don’t think I could do it without you.”
“Then you’ll have to learn to live without it.” Gerard says harshly before walking out of the room without another word. Leaving Frank alone in an empty silent room.
His body is tired, and shaking slightly as he hugs himself. More tears fall as the thought comes back around like a skip in a record. He can’t go home.