Chapter Text
Seungmin could handle Chan being angry, disappointed, or annoyed. He could take a harsh scolding, some shoving if Chan was really mad, and pointed insults directed at himself. He’d like to think he had built up quite a tolerance to those things.
Then, he’d wait, plead, and beg for forgiveness from Chan, explain everything he’d been going through, and bare the ugliest parts of his heart if need be. After all, there was no point being more ashamed of himself now that he’d already caused a huge ruckus and told his leader to fuck off.
Yes, Seungmin could survive an angry Chan.
But it was still difficult to drag himself out of the bedroom, to face the world beyond his solid wooden door and admit aloud that he’d been feeling awfully akin to a piece of rubbish lately. He wasn’t ready to see Chan’s reaction once he confessed the deepest secrets that had been eating him alive. If Seungmin was honest about how much he came to hate himself, what would happen then?
The most painful thing to imagine was if his hyung didn't care. No questions asked and no demands made. Just nothing, as if Seungmin meant that much to Chan.
It would crush Seungmin, if whatever he did moving forward couldn't make things return to how they used to be – a happy bunch of boys chasing one shared dream. If even his leader turned his back against Seungmin, how would he continue on in the team? Or did it not make a difference whether Chan liked him anymore, since the team was going to disband by the end of the year? These thoughts ran wild in his mind, a thousand scenarios playing out in his head, mental images projecting onto the plain white ceiling of his room. All of them ended with Seungmin, alone, abandoned.
Seungmin didn’t notice how quickly time slipped past him, like the slippery skin of an eel, impossible to hold on to. He had locked himself in the room since Chan left last night, sulking on his bed and drifting in and out of consciousness as he lay there uselessly. His air-conditioner blew wistfully, the hushed sound his sole companion in the room. The grey spot on his ceiling almost morphed into a scowl as Seungmin stared hard at it through the dark night.
At some point, Felix had knocked on his door, saying something about Chan wanting to talk. The singer checked his phone: 7 a.m.. It was a miracle his housemate was even awake at this time, but Seungmin hadn’t bothered to find out how his friend had been faring recently; he had enough shit brewing in himself to worry about.
So, he buried his head between his pillow, sandwiching it tight enough to drown out Felix’s concerned voice. He squeezed his stinging eyes shut, willing sleep to come and take him under. At least then, he’d be able to stop the guilt from actively ripping his insides apart.
_
Thankfully, he managed to catch a few hours of sleep. When Seungmin awoke, he didn’t feel refreshed, but it was enough that his head wasn’t about to split open from the evil thoughts swirling within it.
The dorm was as quiet as a graveyard.
It was afternoon by then, but his blinds were still sealed shut, refusing to let the smallest ray of sunlight filter in. He didn’t bother to move even as his stomach growled angrily - he couldn't bring himself to stomach anything without vomiting it back up, but from the concerning amount of crying through the long night, Seungmin knew he needed to drink something.
Hence, he reluctantly crawled out of bed and slowly padded to the kitchen, the heaviness of his body mirroring that of his heart.
A cling-wrapped bowl of porridge sat on the table, having turned cold from neglect. Seungmin spotted it, but merely brushed past the dining area as his stomach lurched in protest. He downed a cup of cool water, the rush of liquid soothing some of his hunger pangs. Then, he returned the cup to its stand and soullessly drifted back to his room.
Nothing seemed to matter anymore. Seungmin collapsed back into bed after locking the door once more. He played some sad music to drown out the emptiness in his chest.
The songs he picked were purposefully not from his group’s for fear of hearing his imperfect singing. He didn’t want to break anymore.
_
The rest of his day dragged by, and soon it was nighttime. The room was still dark, the sun having set some time ago. Seungmin lay unmoving on his bed, face tear-streaked and body sticky from being caked in the leftover dust and sweat since Minho left. It had been over a day of sulking in his room, and Seungmin started contemplating whether a quick shower was worth the effort. He hated feeling dirty. His clothes smelled musty, doused in body odour that made his nose wrinkle.
Just then, a flash of light in the shadowy room caught his attention. His phone. Another message - it had been silently lighting up for the past hour, probably the members coaxing him out of his pity party.
Seungmin wanted to see what they had to say and find out who else would be angry at him. Would Minho be disappointed? Their last encounter had seen Seungmin running into his room and abandoning their group hangout session all because of his habit of covering his smile.
Sure, Seungmin had overreacted a little, but he wasn’t ready to talk yet. He didn’t want to spill his secrets before being mentally prepared for a whole lot of humiliation. Now, it had been two days since Minho came over, and one day since Chan stormed out on him. Seungmin hadn’t faced anyone for a solid 24 hours, and he was miserable to say the least. It felt like his world stopped spinning without his best friends near him, and he had been the one who pushed them away, to shut them out. There was nothing to blame but himself.
Yet, he didn’t want to waste away like this, not sleeping at the right time, not eating at all, and hating every decision that he had made in the past weeks. He wanted… help.
Seungmin picked up the phone, pausing Rain by Taeyeon.
Her voice had almost sent him into another round of tears, but he was too tired for that. He clicked into the first chat on the messaging app and read everything at lightning speed, the words blurring with his tears.
Grumpy cat owner
why haven’t you bothered me these past few days?
i’m bored
hey
i’m kicking your door down tomorrow morning
just me
chan hyung’s not angry at you
he’s sorry
he wanted to tell you that
i’m not angry too
If you see this can you come out please
talk to me minnie
Grumpy cat owner sent 2 photos
i wanted you to read this
Minho’s messages were spread across the whole day. The pictures were sent in at 9.42 p.m..
A shaky finger tapped the screen, and a loading screen popped up with a blurry background. It took a few seconds before a neatly handwritten note appeared. It was the polar opposite of every hate comment he’d burned into his mind in the past few months – a fan’s letter posted on Instagram which read:
To Stray Kids,
You are the best thing that ever happened to me. I’m so lucky to have been here with all eight of you through this journey. It’s been a good 7 years of ups and downs, and I've been here since your survival show days, when everything seemed dark and daunting, but you’re still doing your best, and that’s enough for me.
I heard the company was looking to disband the team soon, and it hurts me as an avid STAY, but I know that we can get through anything as long as we stick together. Every one of you is beautiful, talented (horribly underrated), and special to me. You are my idols, and I need you to know that I will support you no matter where you are. You boys are never alone in this, hwaiting!! <3
From,
STAY
Seungmin had to take a deep breath to push the tears down, but he couldn’t resist swiping to the next photo. The next letter was from the same account:
To Kim Seungmin,
My bias, my favourite idol in the whole industry, my singer. I know how much you love singing that you train like crazy all the time. It shows in your strong, melodious voice that has matured since your trainee days, and I’m so proud of you. You inspire me to strive for the best in everything that I do, and now I’m working in a company that makes me happy! You also taught me to keep the people who matter most close, and to stay by their side and listen to their problems without being judgmental. Kindness comes so naturally to you, and I admire that every day.
If you are struggling with something, I hope that you have someone by your side who cares just like I do. I’m always rooting for you, and I love to see you happy. Your smile is the most beautiful asset that the world has been blessed with. Thank you for showing me how lucky I am. I love you, Seungmin-ah.
From,
STAY <3
Seungmin felt his lips wobbling as streams of tears ran down his face, staining his pillowcase. It was the reassurance he’d been pining for from his members and his fans all this time. Reassurance that someone still saw his efforts and talent – that he wasn’t hopeless.
He pushed himself off the bed and tripped over his own foot while attempting to stand up. He had to freeze in his tracks as his vision turned black for one second, his head almost floating into the clouds. When he didn’t feel like fainting anymore, Seungmin zoned in on his task: change out of his soiled workout clothes and get to Minho. The phone sat forgotten on his bed.
In no time, Seungmin was in a clean t-shirt and new sweatpants, a determined look set on his face, cheeks dabbed dry with the back of his hands. He cleaned the eye crusts on his face too, combing the knots out of his hair to look a tiny bit more presentable and less like he’d been sleeping for the whole day. Without sparing a second glance at the mirror, Seungmin wrenched his doorknob open and made for the front door. He wasn’t sure if his body could take the 10-minute walk to his hyung’s dorm, but there was no time to convince himself to stop and think. Only one thing filled his mind: Minho hyung.
_
Minho must have cared, and he probably wanted to help. One of the messages said, i’m not angry too – Minho wasn’t angry. He was safe. He would know what to do, because hyung always did.
When Seungmin had struggled with his dancing for the past few years, the older man was there supporting him every step of the way with his stern but encouraging presence. Minho had a way of making all the worries seem solvable with his calm reasoning and thoughtful honesty.
There was a no-nonsense side to him that showed up when the members approached him for advice or comfort. He offered an objective perspective that helped them to see the value of picking themselves back up, and he was the strongest pillar that every member could rely on. Seungmin needed that, now that he couldn’t go to Chan because he’d done something unforgivable and made the man upset. But Minho would understand how horrible Seungmin felt because of that, and he'd know how to help. Seungmin trusted his teammate.
The man speed walked to the building – too weak to run but fueled by the burning desire to see his hyung. The cool night air nipped lightly at his skin, turning his cheeks pink. It wasn’t cold enough for another layer of clothes, and Seungmin appreciated the temperature for being kind to him; his sweat dried up quickly even as he panted heavily. His lungs moved with a scary sort of rhythm, as if he might collapse if he ran any faster.
Seungmin reached the other dorm too quickly, taking the lift up to the fifth floor. He almost snapped at the thing for taking so long, but at least no one else had gotten on with him. He pulled himself together in the confined space, thinking of what he might say, and ignoring the fear of how Minho might react. He was going to do this tonight. Talk to Minho.
The idol stepped out of the elevator doors when they pulled open. His footsteps were less certain than before, less hurried.
Their door appeared in sight. Seungmin felt his legs turn into jelly as he stood in front of Minho’s apartment. He hesitated for a split second, eyebrows pinched in worry, before biting the bullet.
The doorbell rang a cheerful tone, completely unlike Seungmin’s mood. He waited anxiously, chewing on his bottom lip while waiting for some response from the other side of the door.
A few seconds went by before the prompter crackled to life, “Seungmin?”
Said boy sighed, his racing heartbeat letting up a little, relieved that he could recognise Minho’s breathless concern through the speaker.
“Yes,” Seungmin replied. He half-expected the lock to click open there and then, a sign that Minho had pressed the unlock button.
Instead, a soft shuffling sound filled his ears, then rushed footsteps, and the door swung open to reveal Minho in his full glory. It didn’t matter that he was in cat slippers and loose pajamas. Seungmin could appreciate the man even if he wore the most atrocious outfit.
Minho, in his confusion, silently sized up his teammate’s messy state. The boy’s hair stood up in different directions, his shirt collar was stained a light grey with sweat, and his chest jumped slightly from physical exertion. His face was thin, more so than usual, and his skin duller, eyes red as if he had been crying earlier. His beautiful lips were cracked, peeling slightly. It made Minho’s chest hurt.
They stood quietly, sharing that solemn moment of hopeful eyes locking with worried ones.
Minho spoke first, asking the first question that popped up in his mind. ‘Why are you here?”
“I…” Seungmin couldn't find the right words. He blinked helplessly up at his hyung.
“Come in first. Let’s talk inside.” Minho stepped back with a kind expression, angling his body sideways to create an opening for Seungmin to pass through, and motioning for him to enter. The younger man meekly obliged, shoulders hunched with belated embarrassment.
He literally rocked up to Minho’s dorm at past 10 p.m. with no warning, expecting his hyung to welcome him into the dorm. This could have played out better, but Seungmin didn't have much energy to plan his arrival out. He'd even left his dorm without his phone.
They sat by the coffee table before Seungmin spoke out.
“Hyung, I-” he took a few deep breaths through his mouth to make sure he didn’t burst out crying immediately. He hated the way his voice sounded so uncertain.
A warm hand enveloped his trembling ones, pulling them up to the wooden table and caressing the skin like it was treasure. It didn’t help the feeling that Seungmin wanted to cry, but it did calm his nerves enough to pick up where he left off, “I wanted to talk. About, well, everything that’s been happening.”
Minho hummed, gazing back at Seungmin with the softest look in his eyes, the same way he used to meet his dongsaeng’s eyes since their trainee days. The look showed him how much Minho still cared.
Seungmin swallowed, pushing his nerves down, and said, “I saw your message just now. The pictures. Thank you for those.”
“The fan letters?”
“Yeah, those words, they mean a lot to me.” Seungmin’s voice trembled as he felt sadness wash over him. He wanted to say more, but he couldn’t. His throat closed around the next word, refusing to let him speak again.
Minho saw his friend’s struggle and squeezed his hands gently. “Hey, it’s ok, take your time.”
Seungmin gave a slight nod, blinking rapidly to stop the tears from overflowing. It was too early to cry. He had so many things to say. Don’t cry yet, he yelled in his mind. He attempted to regulate his breathing through his mouth again.
Minho took the cue to let Seungmin calm down. He knew how much his dongsaeng needed this – the small cooldown period to collect his thoughts before he felt ready to open up about his feelings. “You want some hot tea? I can make us some.”
Us. It felt good hearing that word falling out from his hyung's mouth so naturally, like it was unthinkable to for Minho to be without Seungmin. He liked the sound of that, of them.
Seungmin peered up gratefully, whispering, “Ok.” He would have voiced out about his hyung's choice of words, but not now. Maybe later, on another day in the near future, when he no longer feels like crying just from the thought of them staying together past disbandment.
Minho rose from his seat, patting Seungmin’s bony shoulder in what he hoped was a reassuring manner. He detected Seungmin’s attention shifting to the closed bedroom door at the end of the hallway - Jisung’s room.
“Jisung’s asleep, don’t worry,” Minho supplied, in case his friend was not prepared to face anyone else yet. He was finally opening up about his struggles, and Minho didn’t want one of their friends ruining the delicate trust that Seungmin put in him.
“Ok,” Seungmin replied as Minho disappeared into the kitchen, the clanking of cups and the metal teaspoon soon filling the quiet dormitory.
He returned with two steaming mugs of green tea, lightly sweetened to their liking. Seungmin intercepted the cup placed in front of him, hands cupping around the grey ceramic mug like a lifeline. The heat helped some of the sensation in his hands return. The jasmine fragrance was a gentle presence in the air, helping to calm the singer’s restless mind. He blew on the tea, wisps of mist swirling prettily as if dancing, then disappearing into the cool air. Seungmin took a small sip before he started talking.
“Hyung, remember the first time we won on M Countdown?”
Minho nodded in response.
“It felt like a gift from the fans. Like a sign that everything was going well, which it was. Everything was great, and I thought it’d always be that way. I was foolish enough to hope that the fans would love us no matter what, tell us that we did well, and show us as much love as we have for them. But it’s not like that anymore.” He stared wistfully at the tea. He didn't dare to look into Minho's eyes yet, in case it triggered his tears.
Minho didn't say anything, so the younger man took it as a sign to continue. “I feel… empty. Our concerts are barely filling up half of the venue, and I can’t even imagine going out overseas for tours. Even the company is throwing us aside, and it’s like… we just don’t matter anymore.”
He took a deep breath to steady his voice, before saying, “I hate it, I hate feeling like a failure. To the team, the company, the fans, and myself.” Seungmin’s voice cracked painfully, making him cringe at how pathetic he sounded. He started bawling as he spoke, the words a garbled mess. “I didn’t want to become like this. I shouted at Chan hyung, I told him to get out of my room when all he wanted to do was check in on me. I- I can’t even recognise myself anymore, hyung. I’m scared. Of what I’m becoming.”
“Minnie…”
“I don’t know how to be ok again if the team disbands. I don’t have any friends aside from all of you – I c-can’t live without you guys. But I’m just pushing everything away and hurting everyone. I ignored Felix when he was trying to help me, too. I just- I need help, hyung. I don’t know how… to be ok anymore.” Seungmin collapsed into his hyung’s shoulders, letting the sobs take over his body, his whining voice ringing through the apartment. He couldn’t breathe right, but feeling his tears soak through Minho’s shirt and his hyung’s hands tight around his trembling shoulders made the pressure in his chest lift a little. He wasn’t alone in his pain anymore. Some of the sadness bled into Minho’s heart, twisting in his chest. But the older man didn’t mind.
Minho was glad to finally hear his dongsaeng’s thoughts – the truth that had been torturing his strong mind for god knows how long, tearing down his self-confidence until there was nothing left but a wounded boy, too battered to protect himself. He felt a knot form in his throat, rendering him speechless. What could he even attempt to say to make this better? And while Minho struggled to find the right words to comfort the weeping boy, he settled for giving soft pats on his back, like a mother coaxing her baby to sleep. Seungmin seemed as delicate as one.
_
A long while passed before both idols could manage a conversation again. Minho did most of the talking this time, seeing as Seungmin was hiccuping and sniffling to no end. He didn’t sugarcoat their reality because it was true that the fans were few, and a future in the company was unviable. But there was a lot they could still do, with a plan that entailed eight boys sticking together, helping each other along the way, and communicating their expectations and fears.
First, he had to talk to Chan, sincerely, without shutting down and lashing out again. Seungmin was unsure of whether he could keep himself together in front of his leader this time, but Minho would be there to mediate. And that was enough – Seungmin had someone to rely on, his hyung, and maybe he didn’t need to be perfect to apologise. He just had to be himself, be truthful.
They called their leader to come over despite it being close to 11 p.m., and talked in Minho's dorm. It wouldn't have benefited any party if they dragged it longer than necessary.
“Channie hyung, I’m sorry.” Seungmin’s voice was wobbly and broken as he spoke, chin dipped low and eyes never leaving the floor, but he managed to say it himself. He explained how messed up his mind had been, and how he'd lost control over his temper as a result. He also acknowledged that even then, it didn't excuse the fact that Seungmin had said unforgiveable things to Chan, which he regretted a lot.
Seungmin glanced over at Minho, hoping for some guidance on what to do next. The room seemed to be frozen in time, save for the clock ticking by, as no one moved. Chan's hands twitched uselessly by his side, not sure if he should cave to his instincts that screamed at him to hold Seungmin in his arms. He, too, was paralysed with guilt.
Minho was the one to break the silence among them, "Go ahead, tell Chan hyung what you told me too, whenever you're ready."
And when Chan stared sadly back, Seungmin took it as a sign to keep going, detailing the lowest point of his life - how he felt unwanted, too imperfect to be loved. He bared his soul for his hyung, waiting for him to do something. Maybe leave it to bleed out, crush it in his hands, and fling out the window. But more hopefully, to cradle it in his hands, soothe it like a small creature that deserved his warmth, and tell him it was ok.
And to his surprise, the leader indeed held nothing bad against him, not a single scolding, not a sigh, but not ignorance. Not at all. He crushed Seungmin in an apologetic hug, tears streaming down his face too, as he gushed, “Sorry, hyung’s sorry too. It’s not your fault, Minnie. I love you.” Chan had been as guilty about their fight as Seungmin had, and that helped the singer to relax into his arms. They were all human after all, imperfect, but trying.
One closed door didn’t mean the world had shut them out, it was time to knock on other doors, pry them open, or carve one out themselves. Nothing was impossible if they didn’t lose hope.
Minho said, “See, STAYs still love us. The ones who choose us every day are the real ones. They love us so much and hope for us to be happy. We can’t let them down, right?”
Seungmin wanted to laugh. At the whole situation, and at how ridiculous he had been to drown in his hateful thoughts for the past few months when all he had to do was get his head out of his ass to see how supportive his team was.
Sure, he couldn’t continue alone, which he was right about, but he didn’t have to do things alone. Not with Minho hyung and his six best buddies in the world sticking by his side, and not with the real STAYs who never left. Seungmin was loved, and he was enough; it just took him a little long to realise it.
At the end of the day, he was the best and worst version of himself all at once, and he had been the only thing stopping himself from chasing happiness. But with a newfound resolve, he knew this wasn’t the end of his career. He would keep trying, just without hurting his people anymore.
His life didn’t need to be perfect, but that was perfectly fine.