Chapter 1: The Discovery
Chapter Text
It all started with a YouTube video.
Zeus didn’t mean to see it—he’d only been on his iPad (courtesy of Hephaestus) to watch a documentary about eagles fighting bears. But the autoplay betrayed him. Suddenly, the screen was filled with grainy footage of a chubby toddler standing in a living room, wearing a spaghetti-stained onesie and declaring, “Dada!” with the conviction of a war general.
Zeus blinked. Rewound. Watched it again.
“Dada!”
He frowned.
“That child is... how old?” he muttered.
“About one,” Artemis said, stepping into the throne room without looking up from her own screen. “That’s usually when they start saying their first words.”
Zeus turned, horrified. “They only know one word?!”
“They’re babies, Zeus.”
“But when you were born, you helped deliver your twin brother.”
“I am a goddess.”
Zeus waved her off. “Still. I walked and talked by... what, day two?”
“You tried to sue Kronos for emotional damages by day three.”
“Exactly! So why do these ones take months? It’s terribly inefficient.”
“Because they’re mortal,” Artemis said, deadpan. “They’re... fragile.”
Zeus narrowed his eyes, troubled. “...Define ‘fragile.’”
“They can’t walk or talk for months. They’re dependent on their parents. They cry. They don’t have full control over their bodies. Their brains aren’t fully developed.”
Zeus’s face fell as if she’d personally struck him with a lightning bolt. “Their brains aren’t developed?!”
“No.”
Zeus whispered, horrified, “What the fuck.”
---
Later...
“Poseidon,” Zeus said, storming into his brother’s underwater lair via a bolt-powered Zoom call. “Did you know human children are... unfinished?”
Poseidon blinked. “You’re just now figuring that out?”
“They can’t speak! They can’t walk! Their skulls are soft, Poseidon!”
Poseidon grimaced. “Yeah, I think I’ve heard that. Something about fontanels?”
“And get this,” Zeus hissed, “They shed their teeth.”
Poseidon dropped his trident. “I’m sorry, what?”
“They lose their teeth, Poseidon. They fall out! And grow new ones! Like sharks. But slower. Disgusting.”
“Wait, wait, wait. Are our children like this too? Demigods?”
Zeus went pale. “I don’t know.”
Poseidon paced. “I thought it was like fish. You’re born, you swim. Done. I didn’t think they had to learn everything!”
“They do. Apparently they have to be taught. Everything. Talking. Reading. Bathing. Eating.”
“I thought eating was just for fun?”
“No! It’s necessary! They starve!”
Poseidon gasped. “Do they need water too?”
Zeus stared. “Poseidon. Everything needs water.”
“Not gods!”
“YOU’RE THE GOD OF THE OCEAN, HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW THIS?!”
---
Elsewhere...
Hermès appeared mid-conversation, holding a smoothie. “Wait. So human children aren’t born with any survival skills?”
Poseidon: “Not unless you count ‘screaming’.”
Hermès: “I thought that was just a power move.”
Zeus: “They don’t even know how to walk, Hermès!”
Hermès dropped his smoothie. “Oh my gods. We’ve been sending them on quests. Quests."
Poseidon: “Before their brains are even fully formed!”
Hermès, dead-eyed: “I told my eight-year-old to infiltrate a mafia den in Naples. I just thought he was being lazy when he cried.”
---
Back on Olympus...
The gods gathered. For once, not to argue about lightning bolts or prophecies or who left the hydra loose in the storage closet.
They gathered because they were panicking.
Ares paced, gripping his sword like it might stab him back. “You’re saying my kids are probably... traumatized?”
Hermès nodded solemnly. “Yeah. Apparently war is... bad for them?”
“But... war?!”
Demeter was weeping into a corn husk. “I let monsters chase my baby when she couldn’t even read the wanted posters!”
Athena, arms crossed, scowled. “Well my children are born of thought. They are mature.”
Apollo: “Your daughter ran away when she was seven.”
Athena: “She had my blessing.”
Apollo: “She had baby teeth!”
Athena: “That’s not true!”
Apollo: “I AM THE GOD OF TRUTH.”
---
Somewhere in the chaos, Dionysus sipped his Diet Coke.
“You’re all morons,” he said.
Zeus turned. “Excuse me?”
“You’ve been sending half-formed brains into warzones and wondering why they act out.”
“They’re demigods! They should be stronger!”
“They’re kids, Zeus. Kids with divine issues and no support system. Have you seen Camp Half-Blood lately?”
Hephaestus raised a hand. “Wait. They need to eat... like... three times a day?”
Hermès: “Minimum.”
Hephaestus: “And sleep for eight hours?!”
Hades: “Nico gets maybe four. On a good day.”
Aphrodite gasped. “What does lack of sleep do to them?!”
Hermès: “Oh yeah, it wrecks everything. Mood, memory, appearance—”
Aphrodite: “ARE YOU TELLING ME SLEEP DEPRIVATION CAN MAKE THEM UGLY?!”
The entire throne room froze.
Chiron, on the magic screen, pinched the bridge of his nose. “You ask them to do this stuff. You do.”
All of Olympus:
flips a table
Chapter 2: The Investigation
Chapter Text
The gods, shaken by the revelation that mortal children were essentially soft-skulled, emotional jellybeans, decided to do something entirely unprecedented:
They would conduct research.
Naturally, they had no idea how to do this.
---
Day 1: Attempting Observation
Zeus created a cloud-formed surveillance drone.
It exploded.
Hermès tried turning invisible and sneaking into a preschool.
He was tackled by three toddlers wielding juice boxes and sticky hands. He barely escaped with his dignity and one shoe.
Aphrodite went undercover as a kindergarten teacher.
She quit after ten minutes. “They asked me where babies come from and then one of them bit me.”
Apollo attempted to “vibe with the youth” by posing as a TikTok star.
He was canceled in 24 hours.
---
Day 2: Consulting the Experts
Chiron arrived at Olympus wearing sunglasses and the expression of a teacher who’s seen things.
“Alright,” he said, tapping a chart with a very tired hoof. “Let’s break this down.”
1. Children have emotions.
Ares: “They cry a lot.”
Chiron: “They’re allowed to cry. They’re children.”
Ares: “I never cried as a child.”
Hades: “You stabbed your teddy bear.”
Ares: “Exactly.”
2. Children need guidance.
Apollo: “I gave my son a prophecy.”
Chiron: “He was six.”
Apollo: “It rhymed!”
Chiron: “He thought it meant he had to fight a manticore alone. He was six.”
3. Children need affection.
Artemis flinched. “That’s... optional, right?”
Chiron stared.
Artemis sighed. “I patted a head once.”
“You patted a wolf pup.”
“It counts!”
---
Day 3: The Flashbacks
The gods, one by one, remembered their parenting choices.
Zeus, tossing baby demigods into quests like dodgeballs.
Poseidon, assuming baby Percy could swim before he could crawl.
Ares, teaching his toddlers to swordfight before they learned to spell.
Hermès, “accidentally” forgetting birthdays for five centuries.
Athena, insisting her 5-year-old daughter write a ten-thousand-word essay on Greek philosophy before breakfast.
“Have we been...” Zeus began, choking, “...bad parents?”
There was a long pause.
“Define ‘bad,’” Poseidon tried.
Apollo quietly said, “I don’t think I even know my kids’ favorite colors.”
“I sent mine a flaming sword,” Ares muttered. “They were three.”
Hermès facepalmed. “Gods, we’re not parents. We’re walking trauma generators.”
---
Day 4: Denial and Cookies
In a desperate attempt to make amends, the gods collectively sent their children “apology care packages.”
Aphrodite’s included skin care products and an essay titled How to be More Attractive in Battle.
Ares sent a boar’s tusk and a bloodstained letter reading: Sorry for the emotional stunting. Love ya.
Hermès sent 200 coupons for free shipping.
Apollo wrote a haiku that didn’t rhyme.
Zeus sent a lightning bolt and a note that just said: You’re welcome for life.
Only Hestia, quietly and without fanfare, baked cookies and included a handwritten card:
“I’m proud of you. Please rest. You deserve love.”
Demigods across the world cried for reasons they didn’t understand.
---
Later That Night...
Zeus stared at the stars, unnerved.
“We made them too breakable,” he muttered.
“No,” Hera said softly, stepping beside him. “We just didn’t realize they were already strong.”
He turned.
She nodded toward the mortal realm. “They survive us. That alone makes them the strongest things we’ve ever made.”
Zeus blinked.
“…Should we maybe... stop traumatizing them?”
Hera shrugged. “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.”
Chapter 3: Family Day at Camp Half-Blood Goes Horribly Wrong
Chapter Text
After the gods’ collective emotional crisis, someone (probably Chiron) suggested:
“Why don’t you actually visit your kids for once?”
Thus was born the most cursed idea in divine history:
Family Day at Camp Half-Blood.
---
The Morning of
Chiron stood at the gates, sipping unicorn-coffee and regretting all of his life choices.
Hermes arrived first, already stressed.
“I’ve got forty-three kids here, Chiron. Forty-three. Do you have any idea what child support looks like in drachmas?”
Before Chiron could respond, Zeus crash-landed dramatically in a thundercloud.
The grass caught fire. Two campers screamed.
“FAMILY!” he boomed, arms spread.
Half the camp dove behind the cabins.
Athena arrived in a glowing burst of wisdom. She was holding a clipboard labeled “Developmental Feedback.”
Poseidon emerged from the lake in a dramatic water spiral. “PERCY! WHERE IS MY BEAUTIFUL BOY—”
Percy, hiding in Cabin 3: “I will drown myself in this lake if he tries to hug me.”
Apollo brought guitars. Plural. He handed everyone sunglasses “for the vibes.”
Dionysus was already there. Suffering.
“I’m not participating,” he muttered.
“You’re literally the camp director.”
“Suffering.”
---
The Activities Begin
Archery with Artemis
Artemis, awkwardly: “This is a bow. You use it to… protect nature.”
Camper: “Cool! How do you nock the arrow?”
Artemis: “…How do I what?”
War Games with Ares
Ares: “Okay, maggots! Line up and punch each other in the face until someone cries!”
Clarisse: “Dad, this is a trust exercise.”
Ares: “I trust no one. Now suplex that child!”
Underwater Meditation with Poseidon
Percy: “Dad, not everyone can breathe underwater.”
Poseidon, confused: “But… why?”
Poetry Circle with Apollo
Apollo: “Everyone write a haiku about your emotional trauma!”
Will Solace: “Dad, this is why I go to therapy.”
---
Meanwhile... at the Parent Mixer
Demeter was sobbing over a baby picture. “LOOK AT HER LITTLE LEAF HAT!”
Aphrodite kept showing off glamour shots of her children. “And that’s after I taught him how to smize!”
Hades hadn’t been invited. He showed up anyway. He brought cookies.
Everyone silently accepted this.
Hermes had a minor breakdown when two of his sons called him “Mr. Delivery Man.”
Hephaestus tried to give a PowerPoint on “Understanding Your Half-Metal Children.”
No one listened. His laptop caught fire.
---
Midday Disaster: Capture the Flag
The gods were invited to spectate.
They took this as permission to interfere.
Ares threw a chariot into the middle of the battlefield.
Zeus summoned a lightning storm “for ambience.”
Apollo started singing battle ballads. In Latin.
Poseidon made a wave so large it knocked over a pavilion and three cabins.
Hestia tried to calm things down by offering everyone s’mores.
She was trampled in the stampede.
Athena sat quietly, taking notes.
“Rate your child’s performance on a scale of 1 to emotionally damaged…”
---
Evening Reflection Circle
Chiron forced everyone to sit and share their feelings.
Ares: “Feelings are for losers.”
Hermes: “My kids hate me.”
Aphrodite: “One of my daughters said I ‘ruined her aesthetic.’”
Apollo: “I learned a lot.”
Chiron: “Really?”
Apollo: “No. But I made a song about it.”
Percy: “Can we never do this again?”
Annabeth: “I’m never letting my mom near my report cards again.”
Nico, glaring at Hades: “You LEFT after five minutes.”
Hades: “There were too many hugs.”
---
Nightfall
The gods stood awkwardly at the edge of camp.
Zeus, solemn: “We may not be perfect... but we were here. And that counts.”
Chiron nodded. “That’s a start.”
Then Hermes tripped on a stray canoe and crashed into the Hermes cabin.
The canoe caught fire.
Apollo tried to make a haiku about it.
The Apollo cabin chased him with marshmallow sticks.
Ares was arm-wrestling a tree.
Artemis vanished on a deer.
Aphrodite refused to walk in the mud and demanded a cloud chariot exit.
Poseidon got stuck in the canoe wreckage.
Dionysus poured himself a Diet Coke and muttered, “Never again.”
Chapter 4: The Gods Go to Therapy (And Immediately Ruin It)
Chapter Text
Chiron, fed up after Family Day exploded like a Titan war reenactment, summoned divine backup:
“You all need therapy.”
Cue collective screaming.
---
Location: Olympus Group Counseling Room
Furnished by Hephaestus. The couch has fireproof padding. One wall is a whiteboard labeled “Emotions = Not Weakness” (Athena added it).
Facilitator: Iris, goddess of communication.
Mood: Deteriorating.
---
The Icebreaker (Failure #1)
Iris: “Okay! Let’s begin by saying our names and something we enjoy.”
Zeus: “I enjoy power.”
Poseidon: “I enjoy sea horses.”
Apollo: “I enjoy me.”
Hermes: “I enjoy not being sued for child neglect.”
Ares: “I enjoy violence.”
Athena: “I enjoy structured debates based on logic.”
Dionysus: “I enjoy wine. Which I’m not allowed to have here. Again.”
Demeter: “I enjoy soup and emotionally supporting Persephone.”
Hades: [Appearing from the shadows.] “I enjoy silence and being uninvited.”
Hephaestus: “I enjoy productivity and high-stress tinkering.”
Aphrodite: “I enjoy looking good. Which I still do, despite all of you.”
Artemis: “I enjoy nature. And not being here.”
---
Therapeutic Prompt #1: “What do you regret as a parent?”
Zeus: “...Nothing?”
Everyone: glares
Zeus: “Okay, okay. Maybe the lightning bolt thing. Slightly.”
Poseidon: “I once let Percy eat expired seaweed. He still doesn’t know.”
Apollo: “I regret telling Will that dreams weren’t real. He was six. And crying. I panicked.”
Hermes: “I regret naming a child Speedius. It was a bad day.”
Ares: “I regret not teaching Clarisse to bite first.”
Athena: “I regret nothing. My daughter is brilliant. But I could’ve...hugged her. Once.”
Dionysus: “I regret being assigned this job.”
Demeter: “I regret not putting a GPS tracker on Persephone.”
Hades: “I regret giving Nico that skull-themed lunchbox.”
Hephaestus: “I regret installing a flamethrower in Cabin 9.”
Aphrodite: “I regret telling my daughter she had a ‘mid love aura.’ I was upset.”
Artemis: “I don’t have kids.”
Everyone: stares
Artemis: “…But I do regret letting Apollo babysit one of my wolves. He taught it to dance.”
---
Therapeutic Prompt #2: “Say One Nice Thing About Your Child”
Zeus: “Thalia’s lightning powers are almost as cool as mine.”
Poseidon: “Percy didn’t drown once this year. That’s progress.”
Apollo: “Will once used his powers to heal a dove. I cried.”
Hermes: “My son Travis made a fake ID for me as a joke. I kept it.”
Ares: “Clarisse punched a hydra in the throat. I was so proud.”
Athena: “…Annabeth has surpassed me. And I fear her. In a good way.”
Dionysus: “Pollux hasn’t exploded anything this week. Small wins.”
Demeter: “Katie made a salad and didn’t cry. She’s strong.”
Hades: “Nico is terrifying. But I love that for him.”
Hephaestus: “Leo calls me ‘Dad’ sometimes. I cry in the forge.”
Aphrodite: “Silena had better eyeliner than me. Once. Never again.”
Artemis: “I don’t have kids—STOP ASKING.”
---
The Breakdown
Iris: “Now, let’s talk about boundaries.”
Zeus: “I don’t believe in those.”
Poseidon: “Is it bad I taught Percy to swordfight before math?”
Apollo: “Is it bad I made Will play music in D minor when he was five?”
Hermes: “Is it bad I forgot their birthdays… all of them?”
Ares: “Is it bad I bought Clarisse a pet war pig?”
Hades: “Is it bad I built Nico a gothic playroom in a crypt?”
Athena: “Is it bad I taught Annabeth war tactics before basic human emotion?”
Aphrodite: “Is it bad I stole my daughter’s date because he complimented my perfume?”
Everyone: “YES.”
---
Closing Circle: “What Have You Learned?”
Zeus: “I need to read a parenting book.”
Poseidon: “Human children are… fragile. Like sea foam. But louder.”
Apollo: “Children are not miniature adults. Emotionally speaking. I googled it.”
Hermes: “My kids are mad because I don’t show up. Not because I’m broke. Good to know.”
Ares: “Maybe war flashbacks are bad for third-graders?”
Athena: “I will attempt… a compliment sandwich.”
Dionysus: “I learned nothing. This was terrible. Goodnight.”
Demeter: “I learned I’m still the best parent here.”
Hades: “I learned I’m not as bad as Zeus. So that’s nice.”
Hephaestus: “I learned it’s okay to cry in your own forge.”
Aphrodite: “I learned to listen to my kids before stealing their crushes.”
Artemis: “I learned I will never have children.”
---
The gods slowly leave, awkward but wiser.
Iris: “Well… progress?”
Chiron, sipping coffee from the shadows: “I give it two days before Zeus traumatizes someone again.”
Chapter 5: The Gods Attempt a Mortal Experience Day (and Somehow Break Reality)
Chapter Text
Objective: Make the gods understand what mortals go through daily.
Result: Catastrophe, confusion, and minor explosions.
Supervisor: Chiron (against his will).
Slogan on the flyers: “Mortals do it daily. So can you.”
---
Task 1: Laundry
Zeus confidently stepped into Cabin 1’s communal laundry room.
Zeus: “How difficult can this ‘lan-dree’ be? I’ve washed civilizations in storms.”
30 minutes later:
The washing machine is full of lightning bolts.
The dryer has been declared a "new realm of chaos."
Zeus is trying to “smite the sock gremlins.”
Chiron: “Those are just your missing socks, sir.”
Zeus: “Then why do they keep escaping?!”
---
Task 2: Ordering Fast Food
Poseidon, Apollo, Artemis, and Hermes go to a mortal fast-food place.
Poseidon: “Do you have a seaweed wrap?”
Cashier: “No.”
Apollo: “Your menu lacks sunshine smoothies. Shameful.”
Cashier: “We have a milkshake?”
Artemis: “Do you serve meat?”
Cashier: “Uh… yes?”
Artemis: burns the menu with a glare
Hermes: Orders everything on the menu, forgets to pay, tips in drachmae, and leaves riding a skateboard he stole from a 12-year-old.
---
Task 3: Babysitting Mortal Children
Athena, Ares, Aphrodite, and Hades draw the short straw.
Athena: Reads The Art of War as a bedtime story. The kids are now plotting revolutions.
Ares: Gave them all Nerf swords. Encouraged combat. Someone has a black eye.
Ares: “I call that growth.”
Aphrodite: Painted their nails. Taught them how to flirt. They’re now banned from kindergarten.
Hades: Quietly taught them how to fake their own deaths to avoid school. One kid disappeared under a rug and hasn’t come out.
---
Task 4: Group Project in a Public School
Dionysus, Demeter, Hephaestus, and Apollo infiltrate a high school classroom.
Dionysus: Brings juice. Is tackled by the principal.
Demeter: Cries at the state of cafeteria vegetables.
Hephaestus: Rebuilds the school’s AC. Accidentally triggers a fire drill.
Apollo: Gets caught flirting with the music teacher and writing sonnets in the bathroom.
Their group presentation:
Slide 1: “The Gods Are Better Than You.”
Slide 2: Exploded.
Slide 3: Featured a dance number.
Grade: F+
---
Task 5: Jobs
Each god is randomly assigned a mortal job for one day.
Zeus: Weatherman – Causes five hurricanes in an hour.
Poseidon: Aquarium Guide – Gets into an argument with a dolphin.
Apollo: Music Teacher – Suspended for turning the class into a rock opera.
Artemis: Park Ranger – Arrests someone for littering with deadly accuracy.
Hades: Mortician – Happy. Too happy.
Athena: Librarian – Bans half the books for “inaccuracy.”
Ares: Gym Coach – Declares dodgeball a blood sport.
Demeter: Grocery Store Clerk – Cries every time someone buys canned corn.
Aphrodite: Fashion Stylist – Makes someone cry because they wore Crocs.
Hephaestus: Auto Mechanic – Turns a car into a mechanical dragon.
Dionysus: Barista – Drinks half the espresso and disappears into the void.
Hermes: Delivery Guy – Finishes 500 deliveries in 10 minutes. No one saw him. Some say he's still running.
---
Post-Mortem Debriefing
Chiron: “So, what did we learn about mortal life?”
Zeus: “It is chaos. I approve.”
Poseidon: “Mortals are brave to survive that fast food.”
Apollo: “There is no glory in grading. I weep for teachers.”
Artemis: “Mortal children are feral. I respect them.”
Athena: “How do they survive with such poor logic?”
Ares: “Children are excellent in battle. Hire them.”
Dionysus: “This was a crime against wine and humanity.”
Hades: “I now own a small funeral home in Ohio.”
Hephaestus: “I may have invented a self-driving centaur. Oops.”
Hermes: “Mortal capitalism is glorious.”
Demeter: “I must save the farmers. All of them.”
Aphrodite: “Mortals have no sense of color theory.”
---
Final Verdict:
They learned nothing.
They traumatized several mortals.
And somewhere in Ohio, a robot dragon is still flying.
Chapter 6: They Don’t Even Make It to Adulthood?!
Chapter Text
Scene: Olympus, moments after Chiron drops the bomb about the gods sending kids on quests.
Hestia, quietly sipping tea in the corner: You do know that most demigods don’t even survive to adulthood, right?
All the gods freeze.
Zeus: What?
Hestia: Looks up mildly I said, most demigods don’t live long enough for their brains to fully develop.
Athena: That’s absurd. They’re warriors.
Hestia: Still calm Their brains aren't even done growing until they’re twenty-five. And most of them don’t live past sixteen.
Apollo, dropping his lyre: Twenty-five?!
Aphrodite: Staring in horror You mean I’ve been putting twelve-year-olds in magical makeup and romantic subplots?
Artemis: Mutters This is why I don’t like children.
Hermes: To himself Oh gods, Luke...
Ares, suddenly sweating: So you're telling me... I gave a sword to a traumatized toddler?
Poseidon: Percy was twelve...
Hades: Nico was ten.
Demeter: Persephone was older than that when she was taken! We don’t even let flowers bloom that young!
Athena: Desperate now No. That can't be right. My children are born wise. They’re ready for battle.
Apollo: They’re born with your brain, yes. But their bodies? Their emotions? That’s human. You can't bypass the laws of development.
Dionysus, arms crossed: I could’ve told you this years ago. You just never listen.
Zeus, looking absolutely horrified: We’ve been sending brain soup into battle.
Chiron, appearing again with a clipboard: And yet you wonder why so many die.
Hermes: Okay, okay. But surely they’re okay emotionally. They have us. They have support—
Chiron: Looks directly at Hermes Luke. Castellan.
Hermes: visibly crumbles
Apollo: quietly I’m going to go cry in my temple.
Hera, genuinely confused: Wait. Do they even understand what death is at that age?
Chiron: Not fully. Not until mid-adolescence, and by then they’ve usually already survived a war, two prophecies, a betrayal, and at least one snake.
Hephaestus: ...Maybe we should not have let them be chased by monsters since birth?
Artemis: gasping THEY’RE AFRAID OF MONSTERS???
All of Olympus: stares at her
Poseidon, solemnly: What have we done?
Chapter 7: Wait, That Was Your Childhood?!
Chapter Text
Scene: Olympus Council Room. Chiron has arranged a “Listening Circle.” Each Olympian god sits nervously in their grand chair. A group of demigods has been summoned—including Percy, Annabeth, Nico, Clarisse, Thalia, and a few others. None of them look impressed.
Chiron: Now, remember. We're here to listen. Not talk. Not interrupt. Not blast anyone with lightning.
Zeus: grumbling I said I was sorry about the bolt thing…
Percy, arms crossed: You accused me of treason before my voice even cracked.
Annabeth: I had to fight a manticore during finals week.
Thalia: I got turned into a tree to avoid dying in battle. That’s not a metaphor. I was literally a tree.
Nico: coldly I was ten. My sister died. I raised the dead by accident. Then I vanished into the Labyrinth. For fun.
Hades, slowly sliding off his chair: …Ten?
Clarisse: growling My dad dropped me off with a spear and said, “Win or die trying.” So I won. And then he got mad that I didn’t say “thank you.”
Ares, blinking: That... tracks, actually.
Annabeth: I was seven when I ran away. I lived with a cyclops for a bit.
Athena: on the verge of cardiac arrest A CYCLOPS?!
Percy: Yeah, funny story, that cyclops turned out to be my half-brother. Y’all got some weird family dynamics.
Dionysus, sipping a Diet Coke: This is better than any play I’ve ever seen.
Apollo, teary-eyed: Wait, wait. Did any of you… have birthdays?
All demigods: dead silence
Annabeth, blinking: I think I had one once. There was cake. I got stabbed later that day though.
Zeus, faintly: They’re all feral.
Hestia, horrified: They’re not feral. They’re neglected.
Nico: I lived in the Lotus Hotel for 70 years and still didn’t get therapy.
Hermes: quietly sobbing I’m so sorry, Luke...
Clarisse: loudly Too late, jackass!
Poseidon, suddenly standing: THAT’S IT. NO MORE QUESTS UNTIL AGE TWENTY-FIVE!
Athena: But the prophecies!
Poseidon: I’LL PUNCH THE FATES.
Hera: Children are so soft. Why didn’t anyone tell me they need love?
Demeter: THEY AREN’T VEGETABLES, HERA!
Apollo, scribbling notes: Sleep deprivation, PTSD, monster trauma, abandonment issues… Do any of you even know how to hug?
Zeus, pacing: We’re going to build a wall around Camp Half-Blood. No—several walls. With lava. And lasers.
Hephaestus: I can add booby traps.
Hades: I’m personally hunting down every monster that’s ever breathed near my son. They can fight me now.
Nico, whispering: Okay, that’s actually kind of nice.
Thalia: I’m not crying. You’re crying. Shut up.
Aphrodite, in full panic: We’re rebranding! Therapy first, trauma later!
Hermes: I’m gonna buy all my kids iPads and guilt gifts.
Annabeth, completely done: Or you could just… be present?
All gods: audible gasp
Percy: Revolutionary idea, I know.
---
Ending scene:
Later, at Camp Half-Blood. There are beanbags, therapy goats, and Hephaestus-built vending machines. Ares is trying to give hugs. Badly. Zeus is throwing lightning at clouds that “looked at the camp funny.” Poseidon sits next to Percy, watching over him like a hawk. Hades is tailing Nico with a full trauma care kit.
Annabeth: sighs Do you think they’ll stick to this?
Percy: Nah. But it’s fun to watch them panic.
Thalia: chuckles I’m still making a “Things the Gods Didn’t Know About Children” book. It’s 400 pages long so far.
Chapter 8: Beginner's Guide To Demigod Care
Chapter Text
So You Accidentally Had a Demigod
by Chiron, Trainer of Heroes, Long-Suffering Educator, Therapist (Unlicensed)
---
Foreword:
To the esteemed Olympians, minor gods, random satyrs, and possibly a Titan or two,
If you are holding this scroll, congratulations! You’ve probably just discovered that you have a child. Or two. Maybe twelve. Please stop panicking. This guide exists because, quite frankly, the last few centuries have been an unmitigated disaster in demigod parenting.
Let’s begin.
---
Chapter One: Children Are Not War Assets
Despite popular belief, children do not thrive when dropped into monster-infested forests with only a sharp stick and a vague sense of destiny. Please resist the urge to “test their mettle” before they’ve hit puberty.
Wrong: “Here’s a spear, son. Prove yourself to me in battle.”
Right: “Here’s a blanket. Want to talk about your feelings?”
---
Chapter Two: The Importance of a Birthday Party
Demigods, unlike their immortal parents, do age. They enjoy things like cake, songs, and attention that isn’t followed by “go fight that hydra.”
If you missed ten of your child’s birthdays, throw them eleven parties. In a row. You can afford it.
---
Chapter Three: Claiming Your Child Sooner Than Age Fifteen
A child should not have to nearly die in a lava pit just to find out who their godly parent is. You do not get cool points for being cryptic.
Repeat after me:
> “I am your parent, and I care about you.”
Yes. Out loud.
---
Chapter Four: Therapists Are Not Monsters
Let’s be honest: most demigods need therapy by age ten. Nico di Angelo once summoned the dead to talk about his feelings. Percy Jackson copes through sarcasm and swordplay. Thalia threatens clouds.
It’s okay to admit they need help. It’s also okay to admit you do.
---
Chapter Five: Your Child Is Not Your PR Strategy
Stop asking your kids to go on quests just because you want to look good in front of the other gods. That’s how Luke happened. That’s how many things happened.
---
Chapter Six: If You Hurt One of Them Again, We Riot
This chapter is blank. It’s just a list of gods, monsters, and mortals the campers plan to destroy if another demigod suffers unnecessarily.
It is 97 pages long.
---
Afterword: We’re Trying. You Should Too.
Signed,
Chiron
P.S. Yes, this includes you, Zeus.
Chapter 9: You Left Us Alone With Monsters — Inside and Out
Chapter Text
Will stood in front of the gods, hands shaking. Not from fear — no, that had died years ago. He was shaking because for once, they were listening. Really listening.
"Do you even realize," he began, voice tight, "that we’ve never had therapists at camp?"
Apollo looked like he’d been punched. Will didn’t stop.
"You throw us into battles. Into wars. Into ancient vendettas. And we—kids—have to deal with it. With no one to talk to but each other. No help. No safe space. No one asking, ‘Hey, how are you holding up after killing a monster at thirteen?’"
He glanced over at Nico, who was stone-faced beside him.
"No one asked Nico how he was doing after Bianca died. No one asked me how it felt to grow up in the infirmary, learning how to sew up wounds because there was never anyone else. We’re just expected to patch ourselves up — inside and out."
Silence.
"You gave us swords. You never gave us a way to heal."
---
God POV – Apollo
He felt... hollow.
He was the god of healing. Of music, of light. He had invented poetry. He had written haikus about sunsets.
But he had never — not once — thought to make space for his own children to grieve.
He’d always felt proud of Will. The boy was brilliant, strong, unshakeable. But now Apollo saw the cracks. The quiet tremble in Will’s voice. The haunted look Nico always wore.
His children were bleeding emotionally, and he’d handed them more bandages and said, Good work, kiddo.
---
Demigod POV – Annabeth Chase
"I watched my friend bleed out at the age of fourteen." Annabeth’s voice cut through the room like a blade. "I’ve seen campers sob quietly in the dark so they don’t wake their bunkmates. I’ve stitched up children. Children."
She looked at her mother. Athena met her gaze, and for once, there was no smugness. Just silence.
"We learned how to survive. Not how to live."
---
God POV – Hades
Hades had never wanted children. Not because he hated them, but because he knew. Knew what it meant. Nico had been alone for so long, clinging to ghosts and shadows.
He hadn’t even noticed when the boy stopped smiling.
How could he have been so blind?
---
Demigod POV – Percy Jackson
"Here’s the thing you never get," Percy said. "Monsters didn’t scare me as much as being forgotten did."
He looked at Poseidon. His father looked... older.
"You think just because we’re half god, we’ll be okay. That we’re born to be tough. But every scar I have, every sleepless night? You could have prevented some of them. Not by giving me a better sword. By just being there. By making sure I had someone to talk to."
---
God POV – Poseidon
For once, Poseidon didn’t have anything to say. He wanted to. He wanted to make it better. But his son had never looked more tired.
And he knew it was too late for apologies to fix everything.
---
Chiron (quietly, in the back)
“I’ve done what I could. But I am one centaur. I was a battlefield medic, not a licensed therapist. You left me with children. And expected me to make them ready for war.”
---
The gods looked around, taking in the pain they had never acknowledged. There were no more jokes. No more wine. No more denial.
For the first time, Olympus was quiet — and listening.
Chapter 10: Fix It. Fix It Now.
Chapter Text
Olympus – Immediately After the Meeting
A tense silence lingered in the Hall of the Gods. Then—
Zeus (snapping): “Chiron! Why weren’t you running weekly trauma assessments?!”
Chiron (tired): “I was busy keeping them alive.”
Hera (shouting): “Who let children date mortals without parental review?! That’s dangerous!”
Ares: “Wait, wait, wait. Are you telling me Clarisse is emotionally vulnerable?!”
Hephaestus: “Oh gods… I taught Leo how to build explosives.”
Apollo (rocking back and forth): “They have no therapists. None. Nada. Zilch. I’m the god of healing. What was I doing?!”
Hermes: “You were writing haikus about sunsets.”
Apollo: “SHUT UP, HERMES.”
---
Back at Camp Half-Blood – Demigod POV
The campers woke the next day to chaos.
A golden emotional support pavilion had been built overnight by Hephaestus and Apollo. Inside were beanbags, weighted blankets, noise machines, therapy pegasi, and a confusing shrine labeled “Safe Vibes Only.”
Will Solace: “What the Hades…?”
Hermes’ Cabin Kid: “Did we get a trauma tent? Are we finally being acknowledged?!”
Annabeth: “Guys. This is great but also vaguely terrifying.”
Nico: “There’s a therapy pegasus trying to make me do deep breathing.”
Pegasus: “Inhale your grief. Exhale your fear.”
Nico: glares in shadow magic
---
God POV – Athena
Athena stalked through her temple, barking orders.
Athena: “No more quests before age sixteen. No more unsupervised monster encounters. I want emotional development evaluations before every prophecy.”
Owl Assistant: blinks nervously
Athena: “And build a therapy library. No. A fortress. Of books. And tissues.”
---
God POV – Poseidon
Poseidon was at Camp, sobbing as he wrapped Percy in seventeen layers of seaweed blankets.
Poseidon: “YOU AREN’T ALLOWED OUT OF CAMP. EVER AGAIN.”
Percy (muffled): “I need to pee.”
Poseidon: “I’LL BRING YOU A BUCKET.”
---
Ares (to Clarisse):
Ares: “You are now banned from war.”
Clarisse: “WHAT.”
Ares: “Too dangerous. Go do art therapy.”
Clarisse: rage-snarling while holding a glitter paintbrush
---
Dionysus, Camp Director
Dionysus (flatly): “So now you care?”
Hermes: “We were misinformed!”
Dionysus: “By whom?!”
Hermes: “Ourselves. It was a joint ignorance.”
---
Demigod Group Therapy (awkwardly led by Apollo)
Apollo (sitting criss-cross on the floor): “Okay, kiddos. Let’s talk about your feelings. We’re gonna do a circle of truth.”
Annabeth (monotone): “I feel like I’m parenting my parents.”
Apollo: “Excellent! That’s emotional honesty!”
Nico: “This is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.”
Apollo (tearing up): “I am so proud of you!”
---
Meanwhile, in the Council Chamber
Zeus: “We must protect them.”
Demeter: “They are babies!”
Hades: “They’re traumatized babies.”
Hera: “We failed them.”
Athena: “We keep failing them.”
Poseidon: “We’re fixing it now.”
Apollo (bursting in): “I MADE A THERAPY SONG!”
Everyone: groans
---
The gods had always been powerful. But now they had a mission: fix what they broke. Protect what was left. And maybe, for the first time in eons, actually be parents.
Chapter 11: You’re All Mine Now
Chapter Text
Mount Olympus – Hestia’s Hearth
The fire goddess stirred her flames thoughtfully. Across from her, Artemis paced like a lioness.
Artemis: “They’re children. Broken, unprotected, overworked, overburdened—why aren’t we doing more?!”
Hestia (calmly): “We’ll just do it ourselves.”
Artemis: “What… do you mean?”
Hestia (smiling sweetly): “Let’s take them.”
Artemis: “...Kidnap?”
Hestia: “Rescue.”
Artemis: “Same thing.”
Hestia: “Exactly.”
---
That Night – Camp Half-Blood
The campers woke to incense smoke, sleepy confusion, and a bizarrely cozy warmth.
They were no longer in their cabins.
They were in a massive celestial lodge, wood-paneled and glowing with hearthfire, soft beds, and… was that a buffet?
Annabeth (sitting up): “What the actual—”
Artemis (appearing dramatically): “You now belong to me.”
Percy: “Ma’am?”
Artemis (ignoring him): “You will eat. You will rest. You will not engage in war, quest, prophecy, heartbreak, or death. You are children. And now, you are mine.”
Leo: “...Did we just get kidnapped by a moon goddess and a fireplace?”
Hestia (cheerfully bringing hot cocoa): “Yes, dear.”
---
Training Under Artemis – The Struggle Begins
Artemis (handing out moon-silver tunics): “Girls to the left. Boys to the distant right. No talking. No touching. No eye contact.”
Will Solace: “Is breathing allowed?”
Artemis: “Only if it’s respectful.”
Leo (to Nico): “She’s glaring at me like I farted in church.”
Nico: “You kind of did. By existing.”
Artemis (snapping): “BOYS. NO SARCASM. WE MEDITATE NOW.”
Percy (whispers): “I think I prefer monsters.”
---
Meanwhile, With Hestia – The Cozy Life
Under Hestia’s wing, the demigods were thriving.
Clarisse (gently kneading dough): “This is… oddly soothing.”
Nico (cuddling a cat by the fire): “I think I’m feeling… peace. Is this legal?”
Annabeth (reading on a warm couch): “I just got emotionally validated by a god. I’m not sure how to process that.”
Hestia: “With snacks, dear.”
---
Artemis POV
Artemis sat on the roof of her moon lodge, glaring at the stars.
Artemis: “They keep talking. Why do they talk so much? And laugh. And cry. And—flirt.”
She heard giggling from the boys’ wing.
Artemis (muttering): “I’m going to smite them. I’m going to smite them all.”
---
Hestia to Artemis (Later That Night)
Hestia (gently): “You’re trying to train them. I’m trying to raise them.”
Artemis: “I don’t know how to do that. I was never… raised. Just summoned.”
Hestia (smiling): “Then it’s time we learned together.”
---
End Scene:
The demigods, curled up in safe beds, bellies full, dreams unplagued by war for the first time in years.
Hestia tucks in Nico.
Artemis watches silently from the doorway, eyes softer than the moon.
Maybe she couldn’t raise them perfectly.
But gods be damned, she was going to try.
Chapter 12: “Where Are My Children?!
Chapter Text
Mount Olympus – Morning Council Meeting
Zeus: “Let’s begin the meeting—wait, where are the demigods?”
Hermes (frantically flipping through scrolls): “Um… they’re not at Camp Half-Blood. Or Camp Jupiter. Or anywhere.”
Ares (slamming fist): “Who TOOK them?!”
Poseidon (rising from his throne, water swirling around him): “Where. Is. My. SON.”
Athena (coldly): “Annabeth is missing too. This is a problem.”
Apollo (eyes wild): “Will’s not answering his prayers! That’s not even possible!”
Hades (bursting in dramatically): “Nico’s gone. And if any of you took him—”
Zeus: “ENOUGH. We will find them—”
Cue crackling flames and moonlight shadows forming in the center of the council.
Hestia (sweetly): “They’re safe.”
Artemis (crossing arms): “They’re with us.”
---
Cue Chaos
Poseidon (roaring): “YOU WHAT?!”
Ares (draws sword): “Give. Me. Clarisse.”
Apollo (panicked): “Where’s Will? Is he hurt? Is he cold? Is he crying—”
Athena (cold fury): “You took my daughter without permission?”
Hestia (unbothered): “You gave them no permission to be children.”
Artemis: “They were dying. All of them. Emotionally, physically. So we did what none of you ever did. We rescued them.”
---
Meanwhile, in the Hidden Lodge
Percy (lounging in a hot spring): “So how long you think before my dad explodes?”
Leo: “Odds say he’s already flooded something.”
Annabeth (sipping herbal tea): “Artemis and Hestia are handling it. We just need to keep healing.”
Will (from a therapy circle): “Raise your hand if you haven’t seen a therapist ever.”
Everyone raises their hand.
Nico (deadpan): “This is why we’re emotionally constipated.”
---
Back on Olympus
Demeter: “Maybe… maybe they do need care.”
Hera (grudgingly): “It’s not like we’ve ever… tried.”
Hestia (soft but firm): “Exactly. You gave them war. We’re giving them a home.”
Zeus (grinding his teeth): “I forbid this.”
Artemis (dangerously quiet): “Then come and take them back yourself.”
---
Ending Scene – Artemis POV
That night, Artemis stood in the moonlight outside the lodge.
Inside, Percy taught Leo how to swim (badly). Annabeth and Nico were sketching constellations. Clarisse was baking bread with Hestia. Even Thalia had stopped pacing.
They were safe.
For once.
Artemis (to the stars): “I’m not their mother. But if no one else will protect them… I’ll be their wrath.”