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Nesta,
I honestly don’t know what I should say. I’ve written this letter about four times now, but every time I can’t find the words to express how sorry I am. I know that you wouldn’t want to see me, but I couldn’t stay away. I’m sorry. When Azriel said that you almost died, I couldn’t think about anything else but sitting by you. I know that you haven't wanted to see me for years and I know nothing has changed but by the Mother I… I don’t even know. I’m just so sorry. It feels different, writing to you from this close. Azriel said he’d give you the letters once you wake up. And you will wake up. You’re a fighter. It’s okay if you don’t read them, though. I don’t know if you read any of the others, but I won’t blame you if you burn this like the rest of them.
I’m sorry that I didn’t give you the space you wanted. I needed to be close to you. Selfish of me, I know. You can add it to the list of things that I need to apologize for when you wake up. Azriel and Carver won’t let me see you. I deserve that, for avoiding coming here to confront you. I thought I was doing what you wanted. Obviously, that was wrong of me. I'm sorry I didn't respect your wishes.
Anyways, I would love to talk to you when you wake up. I appreciate you opening the bond a bit yesterday. It was terrifying to feel you saying goodbye. I think I almost passed out. Rhys nearly called Madja. Obviously she was busy so- I don’t know where I’m going with this. I’m not as good with words as you are, Nes. When you first opened the bond yesterday and it was just the warmth flowing to me, I felt like I was flying for the first time again. I could hardly breathe. I thought you were finally ready and wanted to see me. I was just standing up to go to you when the regret hit and the feelings started to fade. I think I knew what was happening, even if I didn’t recognize it at the time. I think I was in shock or something. Rhys said I almost ran out of the room after Feyre sent her message. I’m guessing you know what happened after that. Azriel probably told you already. He is such a good friend to you, Nesta. Keep him with you. He was right to call me out for all the things that I didn’t do for you or all the things that I had assumed you wanted me to do. I was an idiot. I’m not going to let myself be an idiot like that again. You deserve the world.
Considering I’m just going to be sitting here until you wake up, I think I am going to use you as a captive audience for a bit of a lesson in Illyrian culture. Given you read these of course. I don’t know how many letters I’ll write. At least one a day until you wake up, so hopefully not many. Anyways. Rhys mentioned something about flower languages when I was leaving. I don’t really understand the point of all that but getting you flowers felt right. So, I’m including one flower from the flower dictionary I stole from him, and one from the meadow across from the garden. We Illyrians are more just warriors, you know. Sometimes I think our family forgets that. We have so many stories about the world around us, so I’ll try to pick flowers with stories attached to them. I know I don’t deserve it, but I would love to teach you about my culture. You love reading, so maybe the stories would interest you, whether or not you choose to sever the bond.
Fuck. Nesta I am begging you, please don’t break off the bond. At least… let us talk first? I know that’s selfish of me to ask and I know I don't deserve it but please, Nesta. Please grant me that.
Eternally yours,
Cassian
p.s.
Here’s your flower lesson for the day. I’m including a red rose. Their meaning is pretty obvious. I’m not going to say the words in a letter. If you let me say them, I want to say them with you in my arms.
I’m realizing that I am going to have to translate a lot of the stories from Illyrian to common and I’m going to need some time with that, so here’s an easy one for today. The little pink flower with the tiny petals and big yellow center is called an aster. The High Fae say that each patch of aster grows where a spirit lands during Starfall. I’m pretty sure whoever came up with that story has never been to Illyria because there are far too many fields full of them to be from the journeying spirits. Instead, we believe that asters bloom in the wake of the birth of someone who is destined to touch the stars. I wanted to give you one because the stars are only the beginning of where you're destined to go. Who knows, this might even be one of the asters that bloomed at your birth. I believe you will get through this, Nes. You are the strongest person I know and if anyone can push through this, it's you. I’ll see you when you wake up.