Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The sun beat down onto the green field, dragonflies and butterflies whizzing around the greenery, stopping at flowers and hovering over them. Alex collapsed onto the ground next to Tod, completely spent. It was almost May, meaning summer was just around the corner. Alex took a deep breath as Tod sighed.

Neither of them spoke, it was one of those days that was too hot for words. Alex swiped a hand over his sweaty forehead, before sticking his hand underneath his gym uniform and using that to wipe at his face instead.

Just as Alex is ready to complain, one of the coaches blows their whistle, watching as students make their way towards the locker rooms. Alex stands up after Tod, who looks more than excited to finally be back inside.

“Thank God.” Tod mumbles. Alex grins, following after him.

Carter wasn’t too far away from the locker room when the whistle was blown, ducking into the locker room a few seconds after. He sighs as the cooler air hits his skin, peeling off his sweaty shirt in favor of a clean one. He hadn’t even done much this period, it was just that hot.

Carter’s friends chattered around him, rummaging through their lockers. Carter smiled faintly but didn’t speak, all the amusement melting from his expression when Alex entered the locker room.

His jaw twitched.

Alex didn’t look his way.

Carter didn’t know why he wanted him to.

His staring was interrupted by some random guy giving Alex a shove. Alex wasn’t the most popular guy ever, but nobody had ever gone out of their way to put their hands on him. Before Carter could reflect on how weird that was, Alex stumbled into him. Completely accidental.

Carter chose to ignore the warm feeling that settled in his chest. It was just one touch. A single touch from someone he swore he couldn’t stand.

Alex grunted as he came into contact with Carter’s chest, a light flush moving to his face as Carter flinched away. It wasn’t on instinct. No, something in him didn’t even mind the touch. Alex was burning up, the temperature difference making Carter shudder. 

His mouth moved before his mind could register the words being said, face twisting into a sneer.

“Watch where you’re goin’, fag.” He hissed. Alex’s eyes widened but he didn’t reply. Didn’t even blink as one of Carter’s asshole friends chuckled, repeating the slur. He usually would’ve said something back, but he just left.

Carter watched him go, conflicting feelings overtaking him. 

Alex took his place on the other side of the room, as far away from Carter as he possibly could be.

Good. That’s how it should be.

He scoffed, spraying on deodorant before yanking his shirt over his head.

Alex didn’t talk as he got dressed, tugging his jeans that were too big for him back on, slipping into his over-sized shirt.

“What’s up, dude?” Tod asked, noticing Alex’s sour mood. He had been walking too fast to notice that entire altercation, searching for the nearest water fountain.

Alex looked up, his expression softening momentarily.

He loved Tod. He trusted him with anything, they’d been friends since the first grade.

Despite this, he didn’t want to tell. He didn’t want to dump all of this onto Tod, and he definitely didn’t want Tod confronting Carter.

He swallowed, buttoning his shirt as he finally replied.

“Just tired. I’m ready to go home.” Alex said, a weak smile making its way onto his face.

Tod squinted. He sure as hell didn’t believe him, but he didn’t press further. Alex would tell him when he was ready.

“Just one more class, yeah?” Tod smiled hopefully. Maybe that reminder would help pull Alex out of his mood.

“Yeah. One more class.” Alex replied, slinging his bag onto his shoulder as the bell rang.

The pair left the locker room together, a comfortable silence hanging between them as they walked the halls. Alex’s thoughts were elsewhere, he wasn’t present at the moment.

Carter hadn’t ever called him a slur before. He was a dick, but Alex had seriously doubted he’d go that low. It stung a little. 

Alex wasn’t out of the closet, not at all. He just didn’t hide it. If anyone could tell, he didn’t deny it. Some were chill, some called him a faggot and spat at him.

Carter was now one of those people. 

Tod had found out in the ninth grade when he came over for a sleepover. Alex had accidentally left an incriminating magazine out, stumbling over his words as he tried to explain. Tod merely shushed him, saying he didn’t care. 

Alex smiled fondly at the memory. While extremely fucking embarrassing, Tod’s immediate support always made him happy when he thought back on it. His parents didn’t know yet, so it was nice to at least have one real person to talk about it with.

Tod patted him on the shoulder as they approached a door. Students brushed past, sitting down at their desk. Alex stopped.

“Have fun in chem today, bud.” He grinned. Tod rolled his eyes, making a choking motion with his hands. 

“I’ll see you later if this class doesn’t drive me to suicide before the end of the hour.” He sighed, dragging his feet as he walked into the door.

Alex got lucky. His last hour was art. Just an hour of drawing while listening to whatever he had on his walkman. An easy end to a draining day.

He walked into class and sat down, getting started on their project the moment his music started. 

Briefly, he had forgotten about Carter.

The word had slipped his mind, cruel homophobia going ignored.

Very briefly. The hour flew by and the bell rang, signalling the end of the day. Alex packed his things and left, the memories coming back to him as he watched Carter climb into his car, music blasting the moment he started the sleek vehicle. 

Alex stopped, biting onto his bottom lip. He hated the way Carter leaned back in the front seat, one hand on the wheel. He absolutely despised those hands, and had hated them even more once he realized he had wished he could feel them trembling in his hold.

Damn it. He shook his head.

Not the time.

He scoffed as Carter pulled out of his parking space, a scowl on his face as he turned the wheel. Alex tried not to watch, but something akin to emptiness swirled in his chest.

Carter’s presence just did something for him.

The teasing, the back and forth arguments, the unspoken attraction, the pull he felt. It all became something he looked forward to. His feet scraped against the pavement as he walked down the sidewalk, unable to keep a frown off his face.

It was pathetic, he knew that. He wanted attention so bad, that he even took it in the form of yelling, punching. It made a fire burn in him, and brought warmth to his cheeks.

Not even Tod knew how he felt. Alex didn’t know if he’d understand.

He and Carter were polar opposites. It wasn’t a surprise that they didn’t get along. Alex wished it wasn’t that way. He let out a quiet sigh as he walked, putting his headphones back in.

Maybe it could’ve been different if Carter wasn’t such an asshole. Alex knew for a fact that he wasn’t the issue. Carter always looked for conflict, always pushed Alex to his limit. 

This was his fault.

The next day, Alex wakes up earlier than usual, rubbing at his eyes with a small, tired sigh. He still has two entire hours before he needs to catch the bus to school, but he might as well get ready now.

He can’t go back to sleep.

He rolls out of bed and wanders to the bathroom, taking a hot shower. Showers relax him, scalding water and mesmerizing steam helping him forget about school.

Worries about his grades not being good enough, anxiety over tests all leave his mind. One thing lingers though. Someone he can’t stop thinking about no matter how much he tries. 

Carter Horton.

His lip twitches as he thinks about him.

That stupid, lazy grin he always has on his face. Those tan, built arms. The tattoo that peeks out from under his sleeve when it rides up a bit too much.

Absolutely infuriating.

Alex shakes his head. He really shouldn’t like him as much as he does. Carter hasn’t done anything but torment him for the past few years, but he can’t help it.

He curses under his breath as he steps out of the shower, wrapping a towel over his waist as he brushes his teeth. Hot water and soap hit his face and he scrubs, drying off after.

He really doesn’t feel like going to school today. He could just skip, but he doesn’t really want to get in trouble again.

He slips on a navy blue t-shirt, shrugging on a green jacket over it. His jeans are worn and baggy, the belt he loops around his waist doing nothing to remedy this. He throws on a pair of worn converse, tightening the laces before he checks the time.

Carter wakes up with a start, sweating through his t-shirt. He looks around and swallows, putting a hand over his flushed face.

“Fuck.” He whispers, voice hoarse.

It happened again.

He’s been trying, struggling to stop it. Ignoring it doesn’t work. He can’t let this continue.

He had another dream about Alex. Alex Browning, the same loser who wanders through the halls absently, blue eyes focusing on everything but what's ahead of him. The same Alex that his friends call a faggot, something that Carter had stooped so low and done yesterday.

He regretted it, but he couldn’t admit that. No, that’d make things worse, right?

He closed his eyes, head hitting the wall. Images of Alex flashed in his mind. He was too close. His hands on top of Carter’s wrists as he hovered over him. He leaned closer, blue eyes watching Carter as his lips parted.

Carter opened his eyes again with a gasp, sitting up fully in bed.

“Fucking Browning.” He hissed, ripping his bed sheets off of him, a stuffed bear falling off of the bed and hitting the floor with a thud. He paused, looking down at it.

Terry had given him it before they broke up. He didn’t throw it away or give it back, it wasn’t like they ended on sour terms. They just wanted different things. They were still friends.

He climbed out of bed with a sigh, picking the teddy bear up and sitting it next to his pillow, before walking into the bathroom and slamming the door.

His shower was quick and to the point. His face was set in a scowl as he scrubbed at his body, blaming the flush on his cheeks from the temperature of the shower.

He wished the soap could’ve washed away these thoughts, and made him clean again, but it didn’t. His dreams of Alex persisted, growing in intensity each time.

He couldn’t blame Alex, he knew it was all him. It wasn’t Alex’s fault that Carter’s eyes followed him across that God forsaken locker room. It wasn’t his fault that Carter had to tear his gaze away from him. He couldn’t blame Alex for catching his attention.

The shower turned off, water flowing from the sink as Carter brushed his teeth and washed his face. He didn’t bother with gelling his hair, not today. The messier look was just going to have to do.

He left the bathroom after drying off, tossing on a white t-shirt and his varsity jacket, taking a deep breath as he pulled his jeans on. He looked in the mirror one last time, before grabbing his keys and leaving the room. 

Alex looked through his locker, fixing one of the pictures of Tod in it before a knock on the locker beside him startled him.

Tod grinned, leaning onto the cool metal and crossing his arms.

“Feelin’ better?” He asked. He hadn’t forgotten how off Alex was after they entered the locker room. 

Alex’s face dropped momentarily but he quickly recovered, putting on a smile.

“Yeah. After I got home I felt way better. I think coming to school drains me.” He smiled, as Tod looked at the picture Alex had just adjusted.

“I keep telling you to take my yearbook picture out.” He groaned, rolling his eyes before sitting up and opening up the locker he was just leaning on. 

“It isn’t that bad, Tod. I’ve seen worse photos of you.” Alex teased, eyes flicking up as Carter walked past them. Terry and Christa were with him, talking about whatever it was that the trio could have in common. Carter looked bored, nodding along absently. 

Alex raised an eyebrow. Tod turned to watch.

“Someone looks tired.” He commented. Alex nodded. He feigned nonchalance. If Carter could call him a slur without seemingly a second thought, he should not outwardly care about his well-being. That didn’t mean he couldn’t worry in his head, though.

“Maybe he had a nightmare last night.” Tod hummed, smiling as the bell rang. First period was French class. Alex sighed and closed his locker, leading Tod to the classroom.

He didn’t mind the class, but it wasn’t like he enjoyed translating sentences at seven in the morning. Speaking out loud in this class especially drove him crazy. Standing up in front of the whole class for an oral presentation made his hands tremble just thinking about it.

The duo got to class just before the bell and sat down together, Tod immediately putting his head down on the table. Alex smiled, before directing his attention up to the front of the room.

“Bonjour les étudiants! Today we will be beginning a project. You and a partner will research a part of French history together and present your poster on Monday.” Mr. Murnau said. Easy enough, right?

Alex looked at Tod, already planning to ask him. Tod was average in this class, but he knew how to present better than Alex. Just as he was about to open his mouth, Mr. Murnau cut in.

“I’ll be picking your partners.” He smiled. Everyone sighed as he began to list names.

Tod was paired up with Billy. Billy didn’t care for this class, but he and Tod were close enough to the point the project wouldn’t be absolutely miserable.

Terry and Clear got partnered together. Terry glanced behind her at the girl, giving her a small wave. A faint smile appeared on Clear’s face.

Alex sighed as Mr. Murnau began speaking again.

“Carter Horton, and Alex Browning. You two are partners.” He said, motioning for the two to move next to each other. Alex’s mouth opened, and Tod laughed.

Carter’s jaw tightened as Alex begrudgingly moved to sit next to each other. Terry made a face but didn’t speak. Not yet, at least.

His leg bounced as Alex sat next to him, the faint scent of vanilla-scented cologne that clung to Alex wafting up into his nose and enveloping him. Fuck.

He scowled. They didn’t get along, but Carter was not about to fail this project. He could put aside their differences for the rest of the week.

Maybe this was his chance to show Alex that he wasn’t completely horrible. He could prove himself, and attempt to apologize for his mistreatment.

Alex sighed awkwardly, drumming his fingers on the table as Mr. Murnau droned on about the project.

“I’ll buy the supplies.” Carter suddenly spoke up, avoiding eye contact. Alex raised an eyebrow.

“You don’t have to do that. I was gonna stop by the store anyway.” Alex said hesitantly, confused at the offer.

“Then we’ll go together.” Carter said. That was it, he had decided for them.

Alex squinted, humming quietly. 

“Great.” He replied sarcastically, directing his attention back to Mr. Murnau.

Chapter Text

Carter’s sneakers squeaked against the waxed tile as the two of them entered the store. Neither of them spoke. 

Alex snuck glances at Carter, head tilted slightly in curiosity. He couldn’t help it, he had to say something.

“Why’re you being so quiet?” He asked. Carter blinked as Alex walked in front of him, looking overhead for the art supplies aisle.

“What?” He muttered. He knew why Alex was asking. He hadn’t gone this long in Alex’s presence without insulting him since freshman year.

“I dunno, it’s been a while since you’ve insulted me. Turning a new leaf?” Alex asked, unable to keep the sarcasm out of his tone.

Something felt weirdly casual about this. They were shopping together, and Alex was initiating conversation. Maybe it was because neither of them truly hated one another. Their sour relationship was built on misunderstandings and unexplored feelings.

“Something like that.” Carter said, stopping in front of the posters. He squinted before reaching for a decently sized white one and tucking it under his arm.

Alex sighed quietly as he looked over a pack of markers, grabbing them. Carter reached for a large glue stick, and they were off. 

Alex tried to pay, but Carter gave the cashier his card before Alex could even grab his wallet.

“Have a nice day.” Carter addressed the cashier, who gave him a smile before they left.

“I really could’ve paid half, Carter.” Alex said, following Carter to his car. It felt weird, being this close to him, but he didn’t comment.

“I said it’s alright, Browning. God, you worry too fuckin’ much.” Carter shook his head, unlocking the doors and getting into the driver’s seat. Alex suppressed an eye roll as he got into the car, buckling his seat belt.

“Are we working on it tonight? We have until Monday.” Alex asked, leaning onto the window as Carter backed out of the parking space, one hand on the wheel.

“Of course we are. Don’t you wanna get it out of the way?” He grunted, watching the road.

“We probably won’t finish tonight.” Alex hummed absently, watching cars whiz by them.

“That’s what the weekend is for. Wouldn’t hurt to get a head start though.” Carter replied.

Alex blinked. He couldn’t argue with that. He didn’t exactly take Carter as the responsible type.

“My house or yours?” Alex asked. 

Carter took his eyes off the road for a second, looking over at him.

Computer keys clicked in the silent room as a pack of fresh markers were opened. 

Alex sat at the desk, researching an interesting enough topic for their project. Carter sat on the floor, writing their names on the back of the bare poster.

Carter had dreams about being in Alex’s room a few times before, but he didn’t even want to look around now that he was here. If he looked too hard at just about anything his mind would start to wander.

He scoffed quietly, writing their names in big enough letters. His handwriting was neat, precise. 

Controlled.

A complete shift from how jumbled his thoughts were. All because of a boy.

A boy he swore he hated. One he dreaded seeing. The same boy who’s blue eyes captivated him, luring him in and eating him alive, akin to a sailor falling victim to a siren’s song.

Carter didn’t know what to do. He felt weirdly passive considering what he had said in the locker room. 

Guilt swirled in his lower stomach. He felt sick. Why did he say that?

Carter cleared his throat.

“Found a topic yet?” He asked, not looking up from the marker in his hand as he wrote the date.

“Yeah. We can do our project on French artists, like Claude Monet. Sounds good?” Alex looked away from the screen, his hands falling into his lap.

“Yup.” He hummed dismissively. Alex frowned, turning back to the screen and doing his research. 

This was efficiently awkward, but there wasn’t much he could do. Better to sit in silence than force a conversation with Carter. 

Alex was still confused. Conflicting emotions swirled in his head, questions left unanswered.

Why was Carter being so passive? He usually never missed the opportunity to make someone else’s day worse, especially Alex’s.

He sighed as he began jotting down notes, the quiet clicking of the mouse filling the room.

Carter shrugged his jacket off, leaving it on the floor before standing up and stretching. 

The air between them was thick, tension filling the room. Carter could tell that Alex remembered what he had called him. How could he forget? He ran his hands over his face.

This awkwardness was making things worse. He wished he hadn’t ever said it, but it’d be weird to apologize out of nowhere, wouldn’t it? Maybe it was necessary though. Maybe this was the first step towards maturing, becoming a better person.

He cleared his throat.

Alex’s shoulders tense as the sound as it reaches his ears.

“Browning?” He begins, voice uncharacteristically gentle. He wants to do this right.

Alex turns around, pen in hand. “Yeah?”

Carter swallows, hands moving into fists. Alex raises an eyebrow, but before he can open his mouth, Carter continues.

“I just wanted to say I’m sorry.” He says, guilt lacing his usually aggressive tone.

“For?” Alex questions, blue eyes staring into Carter’s. Carter shifts his weight nervously.

“For everything. I’ve been an asshole.” He apologized. Alex’s eyes widened, but he quickly reeled in his emotions, leaning forward in the chair.

“It’s okay.” Alex replies. He isn’t one to hold grudges. Besides, Carter looks genuinely guilty. Why torture him further? Apologizing probably took a lot out of him.

Carter frowns, but before he can begin speaking again, Alex draws their attention back to the project.

“Wanna get started?” He holds up his notes, and Carter nods.

Markers squeak against the poster, big, bold letters written at the top. Alex watches Carter as he explains what they’re researching, while the other nods along, writing what he needs to. 

The atmosphere is more light-hearted, the pair even beginning to talk now.

“Your handwriting is really neat.” Alex comments, passing Carter a red marker. Carter smiles, a jokingly smug expression crossing his face.

“I know.” He grins. He surprises himself. He’s in Alex’s bedroom, joking around with him. He never thought he’d see the day.

Alex rolls his eyes, grabbing a ruler and making a box on the paper, before outlining it with the black marker. He then picks up a pencil and begins sketching out their artist of choice, glancing back to the reference photo he left on the computer.

Carter watches him draw quietly, eyes widening. He would’ve never guessed that Alex was artistic in any way, but the revelation only pulls him in further.

“What made you wanna apologize earlier?” Alex asks, erasing a mistake before drawing over the area again.

“What?” Carter blinks, grabbing a blue marker and underlining a name on the poster.

“It was random. What made you say sorry?” Alex looked up at Carter, who was actively avoiding his gaze.

Carter sighed. He couldn’t just say that he apologized because he loves Alex, no. He can’t tell Alex about the dreams he’s had, he definitely can’t open up and be upfront about his actions and motivations. No.

“I guess I realized that you aren’t all that bad. I need to do better.” He muttered. Alex smiled.

“You’re not horrible either.” He said. Carter’s eyes finally met Alex’s, a small grin coming onto his face before Alex looked towards the alarm on his cluttered bedside table.

“It’s getting late. Do you wanna work on this tomorrow?” He asked.

Carter cleared his throat with a nod. He didn’t want to go, not now. They had just started talking and now it was time to leave?

“Yeah. That’s fine.” He said, walking towards the door. Alex followed, hand on the railing as they descended the stairs.

“Thank you for having me.” Carter said, talking to Alex’s parents. The two smiled, telling him that he was welcome back any time. He nodded, before reaching the door.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” He turned to Alex. 

“Yeah, see you.” Alex said as Carter closed the door behind him. He sighed quietly, something deep in him wanting Carter to come back. He wanted to ask him more questions, wanted to know exactly why Carter apologized.

It’d have to wait though.

He walked back up the stairs, closing his bedroom door.

It still smells like Carter in here. Not too strong cologne and a natural woodsy scent. Alex almost caught himself inhaling a bit too deeply. 

His gaze settled on the jacket that laid on the floor. Carter had left it.

He picked it up with a groan. It would have to wait until tomorrow. He tossed it on the edge of his bed, propping the poster up beside his desk, before walking into the bathroom.

He hadn’t ever wanted to see Carter more than he did now, and he couldn’t figure out why.

Alex had woken up, gotten ready, left the house, and got on the bus before he realized he had left Carter’s jacket. It was still there, laying on his bed as if it belonged there. He could only pray his parents didn’t walk past the door and get the wrong idea.

He sighed, pressing his head into the seat in front of him as gentle rain fell outside the window.

He put on his hood before he got off of the bus, immediately being greeted by Tod, who was holding an umbrella. A smile made its way onto his face as Alex approached him.

“Alex! How’s your project going?” He asked, not so subtly trying to figure out whether or not he and Carter had tried killing each other yet. He was acutely aware of how Carter could be most of the time.

“Honestly? It isn’t too bad. We got started last night.” Alex said, walking under the umbrella with Tod. He left out Carter’s apology, even though he was dying for actual answers. Talking about it with Tod might’ve helped, somehow.

If Carter did mean that apology and wasn’t planning on reverting back to his shitty personality in the next few days, what did that make them? It was too early to say friends, but Alex didn’t exactly consider him an enemy anymore. Like he said last night, Carter wasn’t as bad as he thought.

“Seriously? I’m surprised you and Horton managed to get anything done without arguing.” Tod laughed, shaking out his umbrella and closing it up as they entered the building. Alex took his hood off, running a hand through his hair.

It was still early, only a few students lingering near their lockers.

Alex unlocked his and Tod followed, sighing.

“Billy said we’d start this weekend.” Tod hummed, rifling through his bag.

“Good luck with that. I doubt you two are gonna get anything done the first day.” Alex teased.

Tod gasped, feigning offense. He knew that Alex was right.

“Excuse you, Alex. I’ll have you know that Billy and I are very hard-working. Just wait, yeah? Our poster is gonna be amazing.” Tod grinned.

“Sure, sure.” Alex rolled his eyes, attention momentarily being grabbed by a familiar face walking down the hall.

It was Carter. Terry was beside him, a tired look on her face as she pulled out a mirror, checking out her hair.

What Alex didn’t expect was Carter approaching him willingly. His eyes widened as he stopped in front of them, Tod’s eyebrow raising.

“I left my jacket at your house.” Carter said simply, an air of nonchalance surrounding him. It was all just a front though, he had to hype himself up to come over here.

“Yeah, you did. I realized after you left, I’m sorry.” Alex said, focusing on the other’s face. He left out the fact that it was lying on his bed. Terry and Tod gave each other a look, before a smile came to both of their faces.

“It’s cool. We’re working on the project tonight anyway.” Carter said. He was wearing another jacket, a deep blue hoodie. Alex thought it looked nice on him.

“I’ll see you later then, yeah?” Alex closed his locker, a small sigh leaving him.

“Yeah.” Carter gave him the slightest smile before leaving. Terry let out a shaky sigh, as if she was holding in a laugh. She followed after him, shaking her head.

Tod closed his eyes for a second, as if holding himself back from laughing as well.

“Dude. He left his jacket at your house?” He grinned, obviously implying something.

“He forgot it.” Alex grumbled, a red flush creeping onto his face. He didn’t even know why he was blushing.

Tod hummed, the shit-eating grin on his face only growing wider as the bell rang.

“ Alright. ” Tod said, closing his locker as the bell rang.

The day went by rather quickly, Alex sleeping through much of French class. It wasn’t like they had any actual work anyway, the stupid project was essentially homework. 

As the bell rang, Alex walked into the locker room. He didn’t plan on doing much, it had been raining earlier so they wouldn’t be allowed on the field. He wasn’t too concerned, he was tired anyway.

He glanced over to where Carter usually changed, accidentally catching an eye full of him with his shirt off. He had seen him without a shirt before, but this time was different. He noticed things he hadn’t noticed before.

A few moles were scattered around his torso and chest, something that reminded Alex of stars in the sky. 

He sucked in air through his teeth and kept walking, praying that Carter didn’t see.

Unfortunately for him, he did. Carter noticed the moment Alex looked over. No matter how brief it was, he felt those eyes on him. His face heated up slightly before he shook his head.

He had to stop thinking about him. He needed all of these thoughts and dreams to go away, and leave him alone. He just wanted to be normal, was that too much to ask?

It was becoming increasingly harder to ignore his feelings. He couldn’t just push them down, he couldn’t bury them under aggression and shouting anymore. 

His breath quivered as he pulled his shirt over his head.

Gym class was uneventful to say the least. Alex sat on the bleachers with Tod, listening as the other rambled about his day. Carter tossed around a basketball with a group of friends, ignoring their jests at anyone who walked by. They were starting to piss him off.

He never really joined in, but it was particularly annoying today. He sighed as they whistled at this poor girl, obviously trying to mock her.

“Why don’t you all just shut the fuck up and focus on the ball?” He gritted out. A few of them looked stunned. A few chuckled. Eventually, they listened.

He didn’t even want to play anymore.

Soon, it was time to go change. Carter left his group, needing to be away from them. They were too loud, too rude. He wasn’t an angel, but the only person he’d really gone out of his way to make fun of before this was Billy, and he planned on stopping that as well.

He changed out of his gym clothes, brushing past his supposed friends as they walked into the locker room and standing by the bathroom entrance, sighing. 

He wasn’t planning on hanging out with them next week, that was obvious.

Alex noticed Carter by the bathroom, raising an eyebrow as he pulled his shirt back over his head, and shrugged his bag onto his shoulders. Tod looked over as well.

“Go talk to him.” Tod said, gesturing in Carter’s direction with a flick of the wrist.

“What?” Alex blinked, caught off guard.

“You’re his partner, yeah? Dude looks lonely. Maybe you can talk about the project or somethin’.” Tod shrugged, tying his shoes.

“I guess we could.” Alex said, moving past Tod to make his way over there. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to talk to Carter, he was just nervous. What if Carter would blow him off because they weren’t working on the project? He shoved these worries down as he stopped in front of him, getting Carter’s attention.

“Hey.” Alex said. Something in Carter’s expression softened when he saw Alex.

“What's up?” He replied as casually as he could.

“I was just wondering why you’re by yourself, that's all.” Alex said, gesturing over to the usual crowd Carter spent the class period with.

“They were pissing me off. Listening to them insult any breathing thing that walks past gets tiring.” He grumbled, completely aware that he’s just as much of an asshole. He makes a note to himself to apologize to Billy the next time he sees him.

“Thinkin’ about redeeming yourself now?” Alex asked, teasing him lightheartedly. He was testing the waters, seeing how much he could get away with.

Luckily, Carter smiled.

“I’ll be honest, yeah.” He replied. He didn’t know what was compelling him to start trying to change things. Maybe it was the lingering fear of being like this forever. He couldn’t imagine driving people away permanently because he couldn’t accept who he was inside.

Alex smiled back as the bell rang, watching other students begin to leave.

“I’ll see you later, Carter.” Alex said, looking forward to the end of the school day.

Carter hesitated, but replied before Alex could leave.

“See you, Alex.” He said, voice wavering slightly by the end of the sentence. He hadn’t addressed Alex by his first name in ages, it felt foreign to him now. The look on Alex’s face made it worth it though. He looked surprised, but an unmistakable red blossomed in his cheeks before he turned around and left. 

Carter just stood there, not bothering to hide the grin that broke out on his face before leaving the locker room.

As the weekend dragged along, the pair worked on their project. It actually looked great, Carter was genuinely impressed with Alex’s artistic abilities.

Sunday morning, Carter arrived at Alex’s house. They had to put just a few finishing touches on the poster, it shouldn’t take long. 

Carter knocked on the door, a smile coming to his face as Alex’s father answered the door. He gave him a small wave, waiting to be let in.

“Good morning, sir.” He said. 

“Morning, Carter. You and Alex still aren’t done with that project?” He asked, letting the boy in.

“Almost. That’s what I’m here for today.” Carter said, taking his shoes off at the door. Alex’s father nodded, and he walked upstairs, it all being part of a routine at this point. 

He knocked on Alex’s door, smiling when the blonde opened it.

Alex tiredly opened the door, inviting Carter in. The nearly finished poster lay on the floor where they had left it previously, and they got to work.

Alex was still in his pajamas, a worn t-shirt and plaid pants. He leaned over the poster, adding a few finishing touches to one of his many drawings.

“Just woke up?” Carter asked teasingly. It wasn’t that early. 

Alex nodded.

“You wake up too early.” He mumbled, brushing Carter’s hand as he reached for a marker.

Carter swallowed, looking up at him nervously. He cursed himself for being this flustered over the simplest touch from another guy. He needed to control himself.

Usually he had no problems keeping his feelings in check. It became second nature to ignore him, ignore those pink lips and blue eyes.

Now, Alex was too close. He had successfully broken down Carter’s walls with little to no effort, and Carter could feel himself about to mess it up.

Alex leaned closer, and Carter’s heart dropped.

Not now.

He didn’t know if he could take it.

Alex looked up at him, a short, heavy breath leaving his lips. Carter’s chest heaved, sweat building up in his palm.

Alex looked so perfect, Carter thought. He knew it was wrong though. He had been told it was wrong all his life. He learned to hide it, learned to bury feelings like these deep inside, and pray that they didn’t come out.

Alex’s hand squeezed his, and that's when Carter broke. He yanked his hand away, practically hyperventilating.

Alex recoiled, taken off guard by the sudden reaction. His eyes were wide, embarrassment settling on his face.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered, unable to hide the redness of his face. He had messed up, he could tell.

“What the fuck is your problem?” Carter hissed, his face just as red as Alex’s. He didn’t know how to react. He wanted him, needed him even, but he couldn’t accept that. No, he wasn’t like that.

He liked girls. He needed to grow out of this phase and focus.

Alex swallowed, opening his mouth to apologize once again. He didn’t know that Carter wasn’t ready. It was soon, sure. But he didn’t expect this. 

“I’ll finish the project.” He said, jaw tight. Alex blinked, before shaking his head.

“What? No. Why don’t we just do it now?” Alex asked, desperately trying to remedy the situation.

“Because you decided it was time to do whatever the hell that was, Browning! I’m not like that, alright? I’m not a—” He raised his voice slightly, but Alex cut him off.

“Not a what? A faggot, Carter?” Alex gritted out, ignoring the tightness in his throat. He was not about to cry, not right now. Not in front of Carter.

“I’m not! What made you think I was?!” He retorted, standing up and grabbing his jacket. He had forgotten it again last night, but something in him didn’t seem to mind until now.

“I’m not fucking stupid. I’ve noticed the way you look at me. You’re not as good at hiding it as you think.” Alex replied bitterly, standing up after him.

“You don’t seriously like me, do you? That’s stupid.” Carter said, crossing his arms. Alex hesitated, but it came out anyway.

“I did. Even when you were still a total asshole, I liked you. I always wondered why, and just when I thought you were finally past it, you showed me exactly why I never should’ve tolerated your shit.” Alex said, his hands in tight fists.

Carter blinked, swallowing any emotions that threatened to come out. His throat stung, but he persisted. Maybe if he was enough of an asshole Alex would distance himself. Maybe he’d forget about liking him, and maybe they could both move on.

“You’re constantly staring at me, Carter. I see right through it.” Alex said, crossing his arms.

“Why don’t you just admit it already? Be honest with yourself for once.” He hissed. He was challenging him.

Carter knew exactly what he was talking about. Sweat beaded on his forehead and he held his jacket close to his chest, clinging onto the little comfort and familiarity he had. He couldn't admit that, not now.

“Fuck you.” He replied. He started towards the door, but Alex stopped him.

“Coward.” He said. Carter didn’t reply, he just opened the door, and left. Alex locked the door behind him, tears welling in his eyes as he leaned back over the poster. 

Great. He wanted to finish it himself anyway.

A lie.

Carter bid Alex’s parents farewell, hastily telling them that they were done. He closed the door behind him and walked down the driveway to his car, struggling to ignore the tears that clouded his vision.

He got into the front seat and slammed the door, pressing his face into the steering wheel. Tears fell, and his body shook. His hands trembled as he struggled to find the ignition, eventually starting the car.

Why was he crying? Surely he didn’t care about Alex that much, right? He had messed it up again. If he was honest with himself, maybe they could’ve had something.

He said nothing as he pressed the gas, driving aimlessly. He didn’t want to go back home, not like this. The steady sound of the engine filled the air, accompanied by quiet, barely held in sobs.

Chapter Text

Monday came abruptly, loud thunder and heaping strikes of lightning setting the tone for the day. Alex rubbed at his bloodshot eyes as he got onto the bus, tugging a deep green hoodie over his blonde, messy hair.

He was embarrassed.

Upset.

The worst part? He still had to present the project. The poster leaned against the back of the seat in front of him. Alex looked at their names on the back of it, scowling. Just the sight of Carter’s handwriting made his stomach turn.

He didn’t think he could stand up there and speak for two minutes straight, not today.

The bus came to an abrupt stop just as lightning flashed outside. How encouraging.

Alex took his time getting off the bus. It had been late today, he hadn’t even gotten to see Tod before the bell rang.

First period went by too quickly. Alex was dreading going to French class, hands shaking as he clutched the poster in them.

The poster they had worked on together.

He didn’t want to see Carter. Didn’t want to feel his eyes on him. He just wanted to disappear for the day.

He was so embarrassed and hurt. Should he skip?

He thought about it, but decided against it. His grade was on the line as well, he should at least try. Besides, no matter how upset he was, he didn’t want Carter to fail because of him.

He tried ignoring any doubts he had as he walked into the classroom, slinking into his seat next to Carter, who didn’t look at him.

Carter’s jaw twitched. He wanted to say something, anything. But nothing felt right. He didn’t feel like he had the right after what he did.

Mr. Murnau started class, calling up Terry and Clear to present first. The two girls smiled, showing off their poster. They had researched the French Revolution. The poster was well made, Terry’s neat handwriting and Clear’s images worked perfectly together. They finished presenting without any struggle.

Mr. Murnau clapped for the girls and congratulated them, grabbing the poster before calling up Billy and Tod. The two gave each other a look before waltzing up to the front of the room.

They had researched French cuisine, of course. Tod did most of the talking. Alex’s hands began to sweat as he looked over their poster. What if it wasn’t good enough? He had to rush the drawings and writing at the bottom last night. 

They finished, taking their seats.

“Carter and Alex?” Mr. Murnau looked around, smiling once he spotted them, oblivious to Alex’s internal struggle.

Carter awkwardly took the poster from Alex’s hands and walked up, Alex following begrudgingly.

They were a mess.

They hadn’t rehearsed, or properly agreed who was going to read. Alex was practically trembling now.

He never had to do the talking in oral presentations. It was stupid, but they stressed him out.

Carter looked at him, eyebrows knit together tightly on his face. His expression softened slightly when he noticed just how anxious Alex was.

Despite them being on not so good terms, he cleared his throat, and spoke for them.

Mr. Murnau clapped, choosing to ignore the rough start. Alex sat back down and put his head down. Carter had definitely noticed how off he was. He sighed as he sat back down beside him, and the rest of the presentations droned on.

Should he say something? No, they had just argued. Carter had made it clear he didn’t want anything to do with him. He sniffed as the bell rang, slinging his bag over his shoulder and leaving the room. He’d usually walk with Tod, but he couldn’t, not today.

Tod glanced towards Carter, silently questioning what was wrong. Carter frowned, trying to keep the guilt off his face as Tod sighed, before leaving.

Carter could have gone to class, ignored Alex, and moved on. The project was done.

He felt like he needed to fix things. He hadn’t meant to have that outburst, it was just hard.

He needed to admit it. It was time.

He left the classroom soon after, catching up to Alex fairly quickly.

“Browning?” He called out. The blonde’s head turned automatically, betraying him as he tried to keep walking.

“Alex, come on! I just wanna talk.” Carter said, jogging to catch up to him. The halls had begun to empty, students filtering out into their classes.

Alex finally stopped, turning around. His throat started to burn when he finally looked Carter in the eye, and he hated himself for it.

“What?” He asked, crossing his arms.

Carter took a deep breath, preparing himself. He was about to be honest, giving Alex an actual reason for his behavior.

“I’m so, so sorry. You were right, I am a coward. I’ve always been scared to say it. I do like you, a lot.” He said, hesitating slightly between words. He had no clue why, but hearing himself say the words out loud made his eyes water.

Alex’s eyes widened, his arms falling from their defensive position.

“Then why did you react like that?” He asked. Not rudely, he just wanted an answer.

“I was scared. I didn’t mean it at all, I swear.” Carter said, the tears now flowing freely down his face. He wiped at his eyes frantically, embarrassed to be seen like this.

“It’s okay.” Alex said. He could tell this was genuine, it was obvious. Carter was shaking now, all the emotions and feelings he had been bottling up finally spilling out.

Alex hesitated, but eventually moved closer, slowly wrapping his arms around Carter. His breath hitched but he didn’t move. He welcomed the touch even, one of his arms loosely hanging onto Alex’s torso.

Alex looked up at him, an apprehensive tone in his voice.

“Can we try again?” He asked.

“Try what again?” Carter replied between quiet sobs, slowly but surely regaining his composure. 

“Everything.” Alex whispered.

Carter nodded.

“I’ll do it right this time.” Carter whispered back, meaning every word.