Chapter Text
Jadzia had clearly engineered dinner to be perfect. Nerys wasn’t sure if she should have be pleased or insulted at the woman’s calculations, as it had all been Bajoran food. The opener had been Ratamba stew and freshly baked Mapa bread, a Bajoran classic. The main course had been Hasperant, which she’d bragged about rolling herself, and for dessert: Groatcake, but Jadzia warned that she’d used too much syrup, as she’d misread the instructions.
Jadzia explained, “I thought about using some flour to force it to congeal-”
“Oh, you don’t want to do that,” Nerys grunted as she took another bite with a spoon, instead of a fork, and slurped it up. “You’d end up with dough.”
“I know. That’s why we’re only eating half,” Jadzia explained with an embarrassed smirk.
“...No!” Nerys gasped, laughing.
“I had to dematerialized the other half.” With an amused smile, Jadzia shrugged. “I haven’t cooked Bajoran food in over a century. I think this was all perfectly serviceable.”
Blinking, Nerys set her spoon down and promised, “This is the best meal I’ve had in a long time.”
Jadzia held her gaze. “...Thank you. That means a lot to me.”
Nerys hated herself for ruining the moment, because her grimace pulled Jadzia in the wrong direction.
“What’s wrong?” she asked, leaning in.
Nerys hated the Trill for being herself. “...This has all been wonderful,” she assured her.
“Uh oh.”
“No, it’s not that-” Nerys ran a hand through her hair and huffed, “You’re too perfect.”
“...Thank you?” Jadzia chuckled.
“And it drives me up the wall. I see you being a father to the Emissary, a leader in Ops, a tease to Julian and every other idiot on this station- You even gamble and flirt with Morn and don’t completely not mean it!”
Jadzia shrugged. It was all true.
Catching her breath, Nerys couldn’t help but laugh at herself. “You’re just you… But you’re somehow all these different versions of ‘you’, and I… I don’t know if I can…”
Jadzia nodded. “It’s part of being Trill. I am a link in a chain, just as much a vessel for Dax as Dax is a repository of knowledge and wisdom for me.”
“...Is it too cliché for me to ask if I can see the real you?”
Jadzia laughed. “I’m afraid that I’ve been the ‘real’ me this whole time.”
Nerys slouched. “By the Prophets, you really were flirting with Morn.”
“He is a brilliant storyteller… When he’s drunk enough. It’s attractive, in its own way,” Jadzia explained. “Curzon would have loved him. Probably physically, too.”
Nerys shook her head. “See, this is what I mean. You want to sample the universe. I don’t want to be on a tray.”
“I want to understand the universe, so that I can love it more. Even if I had never known Dax,” Jadzia explained. “That’s why I enlisted with Starfleet, why I volunteered for DS9, why I asked for Dax. You’re lucky you met me before the wormhole.”
Nerys looked away. “Lucky me.”
“I would have clawed my way out of a trilithium mine to steal the nearest starship to get here... to see it with my own eyes.”
Nerys looked back at her, into those fierce blue eyes. The Trill was not exaggerating.
“Nerys…” Jadzia extended her hand across the table, inviting her. “I don’t see this the way you do. It’s not a game of warming you up so that we can jump into bed. Relationships, for us, serve a higher function. The love and devotion is still there, but it’s tied to our desire to wander the universe. Not sample it, but to be a part of it.”
Nerys hesitantly leaned forward. “So… You don’t want to jump me?”
Jadzia smirked. “I never said that. But it wouldn’t be for the purpose of have any offspring.”
Nerys glanced down at the Trill’s exposed cleavage, a feature of her blue dress. “...I figured that much.”
Jadzia tapped her fingers on the table. “Of course, I suspect it would be a great privilege to raise children with you.”
“Oh, a first date, and you’re bringing up kids?”
“A classic faux pas, I know…” Jadzia admitted with a pained smile as she looked away.
Now it was Nerys’ turn to lean forward. “I didn’t mean anything by it.”
“No, it’s not that.” Jadzia finally withdrew her hand. “I’ve had children. From past lives. It’s complicated. Most of them went unjoined, because it’s a very selective program. But I still have some, out there among the stars.”
“...Do you keep up with them?”
“We’re supposed to see each new host as a new person, but…” Jadzia scrunched her lips. “I like to keep tabs on them. We talk, once in a while.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s not like that. I mean, I wasn’t a good parent. Besides, they’ve had children of their own. And grandchildren… To say nothing of all the host-siblings and nieces and…” She tossed her hands up. “The family tree turns into a family dust cloud, and we all become particles of the universe once again.”
Nerys huffed. “I ruined a perfectly good date. You should- You cooked for me! And here I am, putting my boot in my mouth.”
“Perhaps I should have been a boot,” Jadzia decided.
To that, Nerys scoffed. “I can’t figure you out.”
“...Maybe you don’t have to, not all at once. We have the rest of our lives.”
Nerys’ eyes went wide. First kids, now marriage.
“Not like that,” Jadzia laughed. “But this is part of what I mean: We don’t ‘date’, exactly. We don’t seek casual experiences. Jadzia is almost thirty, Nerys. I’m ready to make my big contribution to the universe, and I’m interested in finding someone who will join me on that voyage.”
Nerys swallowed. “That’s a very serious commitment, isn’t it?”
Jadzia offered to take her plate, and Nerys found she had lost her appetite.
Later, Jadzia rested on her bunk while Nerys took one of the chairs. True to Jadzia’s word, as a lowly lieutenant her quarters were barely adequate for one humanoid.
“...So if I went out with you… but changed my mind?”
Tucking an arm under her head, Jadzia explained, “It would be your choice. I would assume you had good reason for leaving, and I would continue my duties for Benjamin as if we had never began.”
Nerys had to give credit where it was due: No one would have suspected a thing in Ops, from how Lieutenant Dax was always focused on her work. Nerys had even leaned in extra close on a few occasions, just to see if the Trill would rise to the occasion; and she never had.
“But ideally, we’d talk about it first and agree it was for the best,” Jadzia chuckled.
“...You’d never want to leave me?”
“Not unless you did unforgivable things,” Jadzia answered without hesitation.
Nerys swallowed. “You know I’m a terrorist, right?”
“And you know I have no sympathy for fascist empires. This might be Curzon talking, but I’m of the opinion that Cardassia could have avoided all of its casualties if it had simply avoided Bajor.”
With a shallow breath, Nerys warned, “Keep talking like that and I’ll have to kiss you.”
Jadzia smiled. “...But I don’t hate Cardassia, Nerys. Not with my heart, as you do. I can’t live on hatred.”
To that, Nerys had to laugh, somewhat deflated by the Trill’s honesty. “I really can’t figure you out.”
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”
“I hope I never live to be a thousand.”
“I’m not that old!” Jadzia laughed.
Nerys looked over at the small, square dining table. “...What do you normally eat, when it’s just you?”
“I can’t tell you.”
Nerys laughed, “What? Why not?”
“People keep getting on my case about it,” Jadzia scoffed, looking up at her ceiling.
Scrunching her lips, Nerys challenged, “How about you cook it on our second date?”
To that, Jadzia opened her eyes. “I love the way you think.”
And Nerys was starting to love the way Jadzia looked at her. “...You don’t think of me as a child,” she decided.
Jadzia sat up, gently gripping Nerys’ hand, reminding her once again that Trill hands were cold. “You are the last person on this station I would ever think of as a child. You may be young, but I see just how old you are.”
Nerys grimaced, her mind going to the logical place.
Jadzia seemed to read her mind. “I don’t pity you. But I also don’t cheer for what you did, either. You did what you felt was necessary to liberate your people, and I am in no position to judge.”
“So… What is this, then?” Nerys whispered as she dared to grip Jadzia’s hand with her own. The cold did not go away.
Jadzia held on, looking up at the shorter woman. “Respect. I admire who you are. Not everything that you did.”
“But you don’t judge me?”
“I’m in no position to. And I know your conscience already judges you.”
Nerys gripped her tighter. “...So why me? You have the entire Alpha Quadrant, why ask me?”
And again, without hesitation, Jadzia explained, “There is no one else in the entire quadrant who is like you… I wish you could see that.”
“I… I don’t-”
Jadzia stared up at her, unwavering. Instead of pulling her in to kiss her, she whispered, “It’s getting late.”
“No, I don’t have to-”
“And you’ve had a long day.” Jadzia stood up, letting go. “I’ve given you a lot to think about.”
Nerys missed her hand, cold and constant. “...You do love the way I think,” she huffed as they began to walk to the door.
Jadzia emphasized, “I love a lot about you.”
Swallowing hard, Nerys was unable to decide. “Jadzia… I really don’t know what to think of you.”
“You don’t have to know everything at once. You have time now, Nerys. Whatever decision you settle upon, I will support it.”
“Even if it’s just friends?”
“What an honor, to be your friend.”
Jadzia looked up into those kind, blue eyes and wondered if she should repay the woman’s kindness with a goodnight kiss. Jadzia decided for her, placing a hand on her shoulder and murmuring, “Sleep well, Nerys.”
And with that, she stepped back and closed the door.