Chapter Text
Sam Winchester had spent over two centuries in the deepest pit of Hell being tortured by the devil. When he got out, he had struggled with what was and wasn’t real, living with a hallucinated Lucifer as the result of the young man’s own broken mind and damaged soul.
Even before that, Sam knew something was broken inside him. After he lost Jessica, he swore he would never love again. And while he would always mourn Jess, she was his first real love, and so over time he realized maybe someday he could be with someone again. Except then he started going around with Ruby, and much as he’s ashamed of it, he really did start to have feelings for her. And then he figured he probably shouldn’t love anyone again, since it seemed like they all died anyways.
But the thing about Sam Winchester, was that as hard as he tried to close himself off to everyone, he never truly could. He had a big heart, and at the end of the day, all he really wanted was to find someone he could spend the rest of his life with. And he’s tried so many times, but it never works. Jess. Sarah. Madison, Yes, Ruby. By the time he even met Amelia, he had given up. And while he did care for her, what they shared was honestly more of a friendship and a romance. They were both grieving people they had just lost, and bonded over it. They kept one another steady. But it wasn’t romance, no matter what Dean had assumed and then never given Sam a chance to actually explain.
Then Sam met Mick. And yeah, at first Sam hadn’t trusted him, and for good reasons. But slowly, he had, and then Mick broke the code, and foolishly, Sam had thought maybe there’d be a chance. But no, Sam should’ve known better. He’ll always be alone because everyone dies.
But maybe, just maybe not. Because Sam saw Gabriel again and the ages old crush came roaring back full force. But this time it was more than that. This time, Sam saw Gabriel, and it wasn’t quite so impossible. This time, Sam saw Gabriel, and he saw the exact thing he had gone through. And they had talked. Constantly. About things that mattered and silly things that didn’t. One night they’d argued over the best candy bar. (Neither of them won. They agreed to disagree) Another night they played Monopoly. (Never again, Gabriel cheats.) Other times, they confided in one another about the torture they went through.
And talking with Gabriel about Sam’s time in the Cage was so easy. Maybe it was because Gabriel could also relate and understand, but Sam felt lighter than he had in years. Being able to actually talk about what he went through. Sure he could talk to Dean, but it wouldn’t ever go well because at the end of the day, Dean would just try to ignore what had happened. Or overreact about Sam bringing it up again.
Sam had explained to Gabriel how he’d determined what was real when the Wall broke. And as much as it has helped a lot, even now to this day, sometimes Sam would still use it to ground himself, he was also ashamed. In some ways, it was dangerously close to something far more serious. But the fact of the matter was that the pain, digging his nails into the old scar on his palm, was sometimes what kept him sane. When he was overwhelmed, it reminded Sam that he was out. That he was alive and free. (Something he'd needed a lot lately, with Lucifer free again.)
When Gabriel was well enough, they'd gone to the Apocalypse world. That night, after Sam had ended up stuck with Lucifer for a while (and how terrifying that had been), he and Gabriel talked again. And this time, finally things worked out for Sam.
"Gabriel, I... I know this may seem sudden— or maybe not, if you feel the same— but I... I've realized something, and I figure it's better to know than not."
"Sam?" Gabriel asks, concerned. "You sound serious, what's wrong?"
A wry smile forms, " I think you'd get a shorter answer if you asked what's right. But, right now? Nothing. Not really. I just..." He sighs, "I'm happiest with you Gabe. I'm broken Gabriel. I've been broken for a long time, and I'm ok— well, not ok with that— but I've accepted it. But when I'm with you? Everything is just better somehow. Not fixed, but not so harsh either. I—" He runs a hand through his long hair, tugging slightly. "I hope this makes sense to you, right? Cause if I'm just rambling and you got no idea what I'm saying—"
"Samsquatch, stop. I know what you're saying. I'm—" The Archangel huffs out a sad laugh, "I'm no less broken than you Sam-o. But... spending time with you has made stuff feel easier. And hell, I'm a mess but I—"
Sam cuts Gabriel off, rushing to get it out before he loses courage, "I love you. Gabriel, I love you. And I always liked you, I'll admit. Ever since Crawford Hall. But it never felt feasible until now." The young Winchester turns to face the Archangel with his so-called 'puppy eyes', and Gabriel buffs out a real laugh this time.
"Damn kiddo, you don't have to guilt with those eyes of yours. And I'm gonna say this to you right now, I'm a coward and I'm shit at making commitments. But I love you too, and I want to make this work. If we're broken, we can at least be broken together, right?"
Sam smiles, and leans in. Their lips meet, the kiss soft and tentative, but warm and affectionate. "Broken together," he whispers, staring into Gabriel's whiskey colored eyes. "I like the sound of that."
Except it never works out that way for Sam. Really, he should have known. "Gabriel, please don't," he begs, desperately.
"I'm sorry Sammy, but I need to do this. I told you, I've been a coward my whole life. It's time I actually fight, for once in my existence." The unspoken 'for you' lays heavily in the air between them. This wasn't just Gabriel standing up to Lucifer, this was something more. This was Gabriel taking on Sam's abuser, but he didn't need to.
"Gabriel, stay. You don't need to do this!"
"I have to Sam." Gabriel smiles sadly, and Sam knows Gabe thinks he's not making it out of here alive. "I'll see you again soon Sam, promise."
'Lier' Sam wants to tell him, but he doesn't. Her doesn't and he lets Gabriel go. And this time, Sam knows. He won't love again, because he's given all he can. His heart might still be beating, but it's finally been damaged beyond repair. Sure, Sam will go through the motions, but really? He's dead inside. And no amount of pain or blood will ever prove anything different to Sam again. He might as well bein the Cage again, since this a Hell all of its own.
Dean Winchester has been to Hell and Purgatory and back. He’s been many things. A hunter. A brother. A son. The Righteous Man. And technically, he has been to heaven, but that felt like its own Hell. And that’s why Dean knows. He’s damned. He’s been a demon and for love of everything holy and unholy, Dean can’t fathom why Cas chose him. But he did, and Dean thanks whoever or whatever made that happen every day. Cause damned Dean may be, but when he’s with Cas, it feels like Heaven.
He never would say it, but that's the truth. Dean loved Sam a lot, but being with Cas? That was something different. With Cas, Dean just fealt like he never had to be anything more. Like maybe, just being himself was enough.
And that’s why it hurts so much, when Cas gives himself up to the Empty. Cas and Dean had been playing this game for a long time. Flitting around each other. Lingering touches. Stares that last just a moment too long. Unspoken words that lay heavy in the air. And those three words hit Dean like a bullet through the heart.
“I love you,” Cas says, as he continues to lay praise on Dean. Praise Dean doesn’t deserve.
So even though Dean knows they’re almost out of time. Cas is almost out of time. As much as Dean wants time to process. To say all the things he’s never said, he pushes through it. He doesn’t care. He grabs Castiel tight and kisses him. Pulling away, he says “I love you too, idiot.”
Tears are streaming down Cas’s face, and Dean feels them flood down his own. “Don’t go Cas, please There’s another way, there’s gotta be!”
“I’m sorry Dean, but it’s done. You’ve made me happier than I could ever imagine. And this is the way it would always end. Thank you, for everything. Goodbye, Dean.”
When the Empty opens and grabs Cas and Billie with it, Dean stares in shock and roars, “CAS NO!”
The taste of Cas’s lips against his still lingers on Dean’s lips, and all he can think is that this can’t be the end. But it is, and that hurts worse than anything. Nothing that Dean wants or has ever lasts, but he’d always thought he’d have more time with Cas than he did.
Castiel had been an angel, and somehow, he saw something good in Dean. Even knowing everything Dean had done in Hell, he still had thought Dean worthy of his love. Maybe Dean didn’t deserve Cas, but Cas didn’t deserve this. But, life is never fair, is it?
Dean Winchester had lived 41 years. Just barely, he managed to be older than his memories of Hell. Officially, the man died on a random vampire hunt, impaled by rebar. The way he always knew he’d go, cause that was the life he lived. But the truth of the matter is that Dean Winchester, hunter, brother, and son, died of a broken heart. When one loses the thing that matters most, the one being who can always make you feel safe, the will to live often just fades away.