Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

I slowly turned onto my back, and with it felt pain permeating me on the right side and immediately placed my palm on the painful area. I gritted my teeth, pressed my eyelids even harder, one against the other, stroking that gnashing pain as if by doing so I would be able to stop it.

My thoughts uncontrollably filtered out everything that happened the previous evening. Somehow, it felt like I was severed at the base of my being and it felt so unreal.

Holding on to the injured spot, I got out of bed and looked at myself in the mirror. The outside reflection looked fine. As usual, nothing special. But I was more worried about whether something had changed inside and, if so, who will fix it and how.

Leaving the room, I found myself in the kitchen. Lupe was sitting on a chair and met me with a questioning look as soon as our eyes met, "Dude! Finally!" She stood up abruptly.

I almost jumped seeing, "Are you okay? Did something happen to you? I'm so sorry we got separated."

Lupe looked at me calmly, "Nothing happened, thank God."

"You have no idea how glad I am. I was so scared." I practically exclaimed desperately.

She chuckled, "What's wrong with you? I didn't die. I'm here."

I moved away after wrapping arms around her, "I just wanted to hug you after everything."

She looked at me for a while, her arms crossed calmly on her chest while her foot, exactly opposite, kept tapping the floor and causing unnecessary nervousness, "I understand, but where did you disappear? I waited outside for so long that I almost got angry with worry."

"You waited for me?"

She made a face like she didn't believe what I asked, "Of course I waited for you. Everyone dispersed, and you were nowhere to be seen. I didn't know what to think except that maybe you went home the other way."

I looked away, "I don't know where I was, honestly. Everywhere. First I was looking for you, and then I got completely lost. Some... security guards threw me out when they saw me wandering where I shouldn't have." I lied.

"They literally threw you out? Couldn't they handled it in a nicer way?"

I nodded. Guilt gnawed at me to the bone, "I got lost the moment you disappeared from my sight. I was trying to find you, but... I knew it was impossible."

"Crap, it's my fault for not fighting back when they already separated me from you." She huffed nervously.

"Lupe, I'm really sorry. None of that should have happened yesterday. I was being reckless."

There was silence. We looked at each other like that for a long time, I could tell Lupe was trying to read my mind with how focused she was, and then she quickly turned her big, glassy eyes around and laughed.

"What the hell are you apologising for? I was more scared for you than for myself and I just went crazy when you didn't come out for so long. You have no idea what went through my mind." She sighed with relief, her hands shaking in a way that was somehow regular and odd I would say.

"Tell me about it. I thought someone kidnapped you, man." I laughed out loud, wrapping my arm around her and leaning almost my whole body against hers.

"I don't think anyone would want to deal with me." She said jokingly.

I nodded, smiling. I quickly moved away from her, nudged her in a friendly way, and picked a cup from a nearby kitchen cabinet.

"Want some tea? Looks like mom got up early and made one. Mrs. Netto gave me two boxes of mate[1] the other day." I leaned over the metal container filled with a greenish-gold liquid that was still hot, judging by the steam coming out.

"Tea sounds great." A smile decorated Lupe's lips now.

I picked up the container and poured some tea into the cup. It smelled pleasant and had a relaxing feel to it. I looked around for another cup that wasn't the usual one, so I opened the top cabinet and tiptoed to reach for it. I managed to feel the handle of the cup with my fingertips and pull it towards me, and then it fell straight out of my hands, onto the base of the lower cabinet, and almost shattered into pieces.

I remained hunched over, pressing on the painful spot, while Lupe immediately jumped up to me and caught me at the right moment.

"Didn't you say it didn't hurt anymore?" She asked worried.

I shook my head, then just lowered myself back and sat on the floor, still wrapped in Lupe's arms, "Long story."

She crouched in front of me, "I sincerely hope that this renewed pain has nothing to do with whatever happened yesterday when we got separated."

She nodded toward my palms, which were still firmly and persistently trying to expel that burning sensation inside my body.

I looked at her with a frown. There was something in that sad, hellish look of hers that begged me to tell her the truth, some tiny part of the glint in those big gree eyes wanted to know everything, from beginning to end.

Lost in my thoughts for a moment, I finally focused, "It really doesn't matter."

"How can it not matter? You were perfectly fine when we got there. Something must have happened. Tell me."

"Can't we just not talk about it? It was an accident." I mumbled, remembering.

"Don't tell me one of the security guards hurt you? Or I'll go back there and beat them up." She was getting excited, her face turning red.

I shook my head, "It was back when we were jostling. Someone hit me just as I was trying to get to the open space and the pain just exploded. It's nothing serious. Trust me."

It seemed almost as if that same glassy surface of her eyes would tremble at any moment, "You need to rest. Now." Lupe ordered.

Instead of listening to her, I refused, "What about our practice? Who's going to practice for me? I have to keep going. Especially after so much time has passed."

"I won't let you and neither will Justo when I tell him what happened. Your health is the most important thing right now. You'll continue practicing when you recover."

I sighed, "Lupe, this recovery has been going on for too long. Just because I got some smaller issues with it again doesn't mean I gotta completely stop with our training. I can still move. I'm not―"

"If you keep pushing and forcing yourself to do something you can't do right now, you might turn this into a much bigger problem." She warned.

I lifted my arms in defense, "Okay. Fine. I'm not going to practice today, there. Can I at least come over then? I don't want to be locked inside all the time. David is working, and mom is who knows where."

She blocked my way, picking up the cup I had dropped. I followed her carefully, keeping in mind how I lied to her from the moment I saw her.

"Of course you can. Until then, rest! Don't do anything like you usually do. Lie down in bed and chill. I need you to come back recovered as soon as possible." She clapped her hands and wiped her palms on her pants.

A few strands of hair kept falling into her face but she tucked them behind her ear. The tea that was supposed to be served and tasted over our silly chatting suddenly lost it's spark and apetite. Instead, Lupe waved and let the curtain on the doorstep fall, crumpled and green after she left.

I got back to bed, just like she suggested, allowing the daily heat to enter every corner, every unfulfilled part of this room. I let it distract me and take me to some other thoughts, to some new level where bad endings and ideas were created anew, and each same bad ending and idea forgotten the same way. I closed my eyes just for a moment. I could've bet only minutes passed but as soon as they opened again I realised that one moment turned out to be a stolen part of my little eternity.

Lifting my upper body, I couldn't believing that I had fallen asleep. I ran into the kitchen, seeing my mother sitting at the table. She raised her head with confusion when I rushed in, looking at me startled. Thankfully, she didn't ask anything. Or more so, she had no chance to.

Not far from my home was a place that we used for training. A few years ago, that building was home to some people. Lupe and I would go there to play football with Justo because there was a playground with goals and hoops next to it, and the kids in the building needed some company. But now, the building sat empty for two whole years. It would be easier to say that people who lived there moved away. But, truth be told, a few of them fell into wrong hands, joined wrong groups and did suspicios business around favelas that eventually got them in trouble. Or even something I'm too afraid to think of. Justo decided to take matters into his own hands. As we grew, we gradually renovated the space and turned it into our own little training area.

I loved the feeling when we would say:

"Are you coming to training?"

"Hey, the practice's tomorrow! At the old place!"

It sounded incredibly professional and pleasant. We, the kids from this suburb that the world called favelas, could boast that we went to practice, to dance, to study, to exercise, and at the same time felt incredibly proud and important. But the older we got, the more serious we became, and although the word practice was still somewhat special, its meaning was reduced to a simple gathering and an obligation.

Lupe threw her hands up in the air and ran towards me as soon as she saw me entering, "Where the hell have you been for so long?"

"I fell asleep! It's your fault for telling me to rest." I squealed," What's up with you? You seem... on edge."

Lupe was making faces and changing her stance constantly, her eyes rolling a few times from something that was obviously irritating her, "Can you believe who that jerk Justo paired me up with again?"

I hissed in discomfort, knowing exactly who she meant, "No way!"

"Exactly my words!" She yelled out in high pitched voice, "I am convinced he hates me at this point. He knows very well I don't like that guy."

"Are you talking about me again?" Justo came behind Lupe's back, peeking playfully over her shoulder and smirking.

She jumped to the side, giving him a frustrated look, "You're so annoying!"

"What did I do now?" Justo exclaimed through laughter, "I put you two together because you're a good match." He leaned on her with delight.

"You just shut up!" Lupe shouted as she pushed him away, then she looked at the group of people not far from us, "I have to go. Lino is waiting for me."

Lupe called her dance partner a slob because of his perpetually sweaty palms and she hardly wanted to touch him. She hated sweaty palms. But despite that, she was excellent and had incredible technique. She floated through any space when she danced, even when she practiced on the sand, like a scattered golden sunbeam, like loose grains of dust. A simple movement of water was a rougher activity than her movements that, instead of cutting it, connected the air. She was magnificent, pleasant and shy. You would enjoy all those movements, in her very sublime, white stance you would absorb vowels and accents, in the first movement you would steal nouns and verbs from her, and in the next you would learn the whole language. You would learn to speak, to talk, to share opinions, to follow and absorb, to argue if necessary, to write verses and notes, to sing, to cry and to love, until she would stop and just with that one static element, took away all the knowledge you had acquired.

I smiled at her and Justo's bickering. They always did that. If anyone saw them, they'd say they were in love.

"How's the choreography going, by the way?" I asked when Justo and I were left alone.

"You'd be surprised, but it's actually going great. I've started thinking up some new things. I don't want to take everything from the professionals and things I've seen somewhere else." He waved his hands as he spoke.

"So, when I start practising again, can I expect some changes?" I winked. 

"You can be sure of that." He laughed excitedly, "But speaking of you practising, I heard what happened with the injury."

"She's managed to tell you everything, huh?" I chuckled, looking at Lupe in the distance.

"She didn't even say hello to me, and I already knew almost the whole story. She warned me that you might try to persuade me to let you dance, but I think you already know that neither Lupe nor I will allow that."

I smiled, although the feeling inside me was awful, "I heard her share already."

"That's the best decision for now, but I still hope you'll recover quickly and start dancing. It's been some time. Ever since that time you fell and hurt yourself... I know it must be upsetting to have the pain come back." 

I sighed, "What if it gets worse?"

"It'll only get worse if you don't rest." He raised his voice in a friendly tone, "Listen to me. I haven't told anyone yet, but I have big plans for this summer."

"Oh? Plans?" I asked curiously.

"Yes. That's why I'm coming up with new things and choreographies. But, for now, you know nothing about it. I don't want anyone to know anything until I'm completely sure." He whispered.

Making a sign over my lips, I let him know they were sealed, "Of course. I'm silent."

It wasn't very late, but the night fell fast when in good company. I hugged my biceps with my palms and pressed, warming the injury under my chest with my elbows, which was pleasantly nice.

These narrow streets weren't as lively as they were during the day. More suspicious and creepy. They were deserted and blue. The roads were barely lit by a weak, almost orange light, the walls were cold and dry, and two or three windows, from which a dim light consoled me, were lonely and melancholic in their loneliness as I walked home alone.

I stopped in the middle of the alleyway and looked behind me. I saw nothing but pure, blue darkness. I took a few steps back, still looking into the night that had always frightened me, as if I wanted to fight whatever it was carrying, as if I had seen something. But then a sudden irritating crackling appeared and was somehow too loud and too close to my ears.

The hairs on my arms stood up on ends like needles.

I turned my head, then my body, and, eager to take the first step, I crashed into the obstacle that kept me from escaping. I wanted to shout and scream with all my might, but everything that came out of my mouth was soon only silence as I looked up at the face in front of me.

"I'm glad that didn't turn into a scream." Eyes flashed towards me, almost blinding me as they burned in the orange light.

I swallowed hard at the sight of a familiar look and the sound of a familiar voice: stared ahead and tried to figure out if this was reality or a dream, "What are you— Why are you here?"

He smirked, his eyes becoming smaller and mysterious, "You sound like you saw a ghost. I know I'm not in the best shape, but I don't look that bad."

He was right.

In fact, Neymar didn't look bad at all. In any way. He was wearing a white shirt with the sleeves rolled up and dark jeans torn at the knees. If he wasn't in his best shape now, what did he look like when he was? He squinted his eyes shrewdly and by the look on his face, didn't like the way I was just standing there motionless and silent.

But I couldn't help myself. I was completely out of it, wanting the Earth itself to swallow me in this moment. Or him.

"Would you like me to get you some water from the car?" Neymar pointed his thumb behind in an unknown direction, causing his watch to roll from his wrist towards his elbow.

Barely any of his words came to my ear.

I frantically looked away from his finger. Pulse was racing in my veins, not understanding what was even happening at this point, "Water?" I whispered.

"You look terrified. You don't seem to be in a good mood, and I bet you're not listening to me at all. Again." He emphasized.

I knew what he was getting at, remembering very well how frozen I was in the middle of that locker room and barely registered when he was trying to communicate with me.

I gulped, "How did you find this place?"

He made a strange face, "Does that mean you don't want water?"

"Why did you come here?" I asked quietly, trying not to sound panicked.

"I was just passing by and decided to stop." I looked at his lips. They were dry, but not chapped, "Don't worry. I don't do any suspicious business."

"I'm not... worrying."

There was a brief silence, then I looked down at the floor.

He chuckled very quietly, "Of course. Understandable. You asked a question and I just answered it."

I bit the inside of my cheek as my fingers trembled. I barely hid them by stuffing them into the back pockets of my pants, "Can you let me through, please? I should be home soon."

"Already? It's not even 9 o'clock." He pulled his cell phone out of his pocket, its light shining brightly, uncovering his face, "How old are you? You look old enough that your parents don't have to worry if you come home late."

I looked away from his curious face, "That− that's none of your business."

"True. It's not. I was just asking." He confirmed.

And again. Silence.

It was only correct that he would agree with me not wanting to communicate, so I stepped forward and walked in his direction with my head bowed.

But I was wrong.

He spread his arm out to the side before I came to him, forbidding me to continue down the alley.

"I didn't say anything about whether or not I was going to let you leave." He suddenly became serious.

My eyes were running around the more I became nervous, "I don't want to talk... If that's why you're here."

Neymar moved in front of me, blocking my way yet again, "I'm here for a reason. Might as well listen to what I have to say, no?" He still had his cell phone in his hand, its light now illuminating my torso.

I didn't understand what was happening nor why he was talking to me like that. Why and how did he get here. The calmness evaporating from his being was something unknown to me. It was as if he really was a different person from the one I met yesterday. Just like Thiago mentioned. He's not always like this.

Speaking no more, I placed the palm on the sore spot on my side. The fog in my eyes would grow and thin out again, shaken by Neymar's sudden presence alone. There was silence between us. Neymar's eyes wandered as if searching for an answer through reading my body language. He noticed the arms I had wrapped around the right side of my abdomen. Even if I tried to hide my emotions, it seemed like he uncovered all of them just by laying his eyes on me once.

I relaxed my arms by my sides and straightened up to be less suspicious, "It would be best if you leave... It's not safe here."

"I know my way around and I'll manage. More importantly," Neymar's eyes grew larger, his face serious and questioning. He stepped out of the shadows of the houses, "is that from-"

"No." I looked down at my side where he was pointing to, "It's not."

I tucked my hair behind my ears, trying so hard to keep it together and not succumb to him connecting the dots.

I didn't like the way he was looking at me but it also seemed he didn't like the way I responded either.

Then there was a soft rustling. It sounded like gravel crunching and I quickly saw a pair of untied sneakers in front of me. I raised my head only to see Neymar standing close.

Neymar was persistent, suspicious, and somehow anxiously curious that he didn't want to give up, "I can see by the way you're holding yourself that you're not saying the truth. You should come with me. My car is not far away."

"I'm not going anywhere with you." I immediately blurted out.

"Don't provoke me. Just hurry up." He turned around as if signaling me to follow him.

"I don't want your help." I retaliated, fighting with myself to not fall apart.

"Don't be stupid. I'm not telling you this to sound smart, I'm rather speaking from experience. It's not about what you want but what you need and I'm pretty sure some medical help is right up that alley, no?" Neymar didn't look away when talking to me.

He shoved his hands into his pants pockets, looking me over from head to toe.

In one part of my body, I was strangely happy with his presence, the fact that I had no idea how he had even found me and how he had to take some of his precious time for it. My body was burning with the fact that this man was standing in front of me, but that same fire inside me was so disappointed and damaged that I couldn't even look at him.

"All I'm asking for is... understanding. I have nothing to say to you nor do I need anything... So, I hope you can respect my decision." I shook my head, my vision slowly becoming blurry, words getting stuck in my throat, "Good night."

Yet again, my arms wrapped around my waist as I walked past him. This time he remained still. The night was going to his favour, hiding his face so thoroughly.

He stood still and closed his mouth, swallowing the thought and words he had probably wanted to say. I turned around one last time, showing him my back while walking away. The white shirt he was wearing remained fresh in my mind as I finally exited the alley.

[1] mate ( port. ~ erva-mate ) --> a plant that grows as a shrub or small tree and grows up to 15 meters tall; it is used to make a traditional drink in South America, mate tea