Chapter Text
EXHIBIT B-2 - ELSUR LOG 3 [13/06/2066]
SUBJECT: INTERVIEW WITH HELLISH UNIDENTIFIED CREATURES
FILE NO. N1-82A4-HH-HB-C-B
FILE NAME: ZOOM001-2_introductions_2_.WAV
RECOVERED ON 01/07/66
[06:41:76]
[MORNINGSTAR] "Anedt," wink wink, nudge nudge, meet...EVERYBODY!!!!!
[V.] Uh, hello there.
[MRS. KNOLASTNAME] Howdy there!
[DUST] Hey, dollface!
[BOMB] 'Sup bitch!
[MR. KNOLASTNAME] Greetings human.
[N.] Huuuuuuumaaaaaan.
[REDACTED] H-Hello everybody. So nice to finally put faces to names! I already told your respective bosses, but I can't thank you enough for helping me out with this endeavor. It's a big help, truly.
[V.] Alright I might technically be part of the hotel staff, but I'm her girlfriend first, thank you very much.
[REDACTED] Right, so sorry, Ms. V...Vagatha, was it?
[V.] Vaggie's fine.
[MORNINGSTAR] Please, take a load off, have a seat by Angel and Cherri over here.
[BOMB] So you're the hot piece of ass that got dragged down with us bitches!
[V.] Hey, lighten up, Cherri, she's not used to your usual..."you"-ness.
[REDACTED] Oh, it's fine. Please, don't feel the need to censor yourselves around me; I'd like as honest a reflection of this plane as possible, no need for any performativeness.
[DUST] Well, in that case, you're lucky you're not staying down here long cuz with those legs I'd have to consider you a serious threat to my work. And if that happened, I'd have to kill ya!
[07:47:52]
(microphone pop/two loud laughs right next to speaker)
[07:51:14]
[DUST] Kidding, I'm kidding! Name's Angel Dust,
[07:51:14]
(clasp of a handshake)
[07:54:64]
[DUST] Hell's premiere porn star, the hottest guest at this joint, and now an absolute S-Tier cultural ambassador!
[07:59:81]
(grumbles/sighs from a distance away)
[08:01:16]
[BOMB] And I'm Cherri Bomb, and the only reason he's skatin' by being the hottest here is because I haven't moved in!
[MORNINGSTAR] Weeeee'll be waiting for you, Cherri!
[BOMB] Dooooon't count on it!
[BUCKZO] Yeah yeah, all peachy keeny hunky dory, anyways these are my tag-alongs. This here's Mox.
[MR. KNOLASTNAME] Moxxie for long.
[BUCKZO] And Mills over here.
[MRS. KNOLASTNAME] Pleasure to meet ya, darl'!
[REDACTED] Lovely to meet you both.
[MR. KNOLASTNAME] We come in peace, although we will not hesitate to use force if/when you turn us into any hostile human forces, and/or you exhibit erratic behavior that means you pose a danger to us or yourself.
[BUCKZO] Alright, a little overkill but appreciate the spirit, stinkums.
[MRS. KNOLASTNAME] It's not often we run into one of you without a hit bein' on your head. Oh, but don't worry! All of that energy is bein' channeled into bein' your muscle for the month that you're here, and sO HELP ME SATAN, ANY LIL VARMINT THAT TRIES TO MESS WITH YOU'LL BE CHOKIN' ON THEIR OWN INTESTINES. That, and I'm real excited to do these interviews & show you around Wrath!
[MR. KNOLASTNAME] I've gotta say, business aside, it's always been a dream of mine to be in a documentary!
[REDACTED] Oh, well, given that I'm not filming, it's probably more of an anthropological biography. But I appreciate the enthusiasm!
[MR. KNOLASTNAME] Of course! This could be a cultural touchstone for all of Hell, who wouldn't be excited?!
[L.] Me.
[BUCKZO] Ah, this is my beautiful, perfect daughter Loona! She just gets shy around new people.
[L.] Nope, that would imply I care. And I don't.
[REDACTED] .....And...um...Did I catch your name?
[GOETIA] ...Oh, me? Um...it's Stolas. Sorry, I didn't mean to be rude.
[REDACTED] 'S alright. Pleased to meet you, Sir.
[09:16:97]
(clasp of a handshake)
[09:17:79]
[BUCKZO] Oh, don't throw a "Sir" at 'im, that's gonna go straight to his bird puss.
[MR. KNOLASTNAME] Can we not?!
[L.] Satan's taint, Dad.
[BUCKZO] What? The kid said she wanted us to keep ourselves authentic!! And I authentically think that is authentically goin' straight to his authentic bird puss!!!
[N.] You smell...
[09:31:76]
(prolonged sniffing???)
[09:32:91]
[REDACTED] Woah-OH, um-
[N.] Huuuuuuuuumaaaaaaaan.
[MORNINGSTAR] Okay, few inches of breathing room there, please! That is Niffty, she's apart of our hotel staff. She's normally helping us out with the cleaning, so she's very attuned to certain smells. She might just be a bit, um...inquisitive!
[REDACTED] ...Understood...Nice to, uh, meet you, Niffty.
[09:58:51]
(giggles)
[09:59:55]
(someone being picked up)
[09:59:93]
[V.] Okay, Niff, no more smellovision.
[MORNINGSTAR] The last of our staff is Husk, over there at the bar, who I'm sure would love to make you a drink sometime!
[10:07:56]
(A low grumble/"Hmph.")
[10:08:53]
[MORNINGSTAR] And last but not least, we have Á̸̢̡̛̫͔͎͎̰̖̦̟̜̙͔͓̳̩͇̥̱̣̲̜̠͔̀̉̏͌̈́͗͘̕̕̕̕͠͝ͅL̵̢̨̹͔͇̥͈̤̹̪̮̮͕͖̜͖̹̟͚͈̉͌̓̈́̄̈́͊̓̔̀̽͊̕̚͘ͅA̴̢̛̭̥̼̜̺̝̳͙̙̻̤̠̗͓̻̬͍̱̦͒́̐̓̇̔̒͂͑̃̆̒̀̓̓̋̀͋͘͘͘͜͠S̷̢̛͈̳͈̗̫̫̣̥̹͉͎̪͔̰̲͉̰̫̜͚̳̠̩̼̭̦̉̈́̈́̀͛̇̈́́͒̍͊̉̋͝ͅT̴̨̢̢͉͈̪̣̖̖̗͔͈͎̰̫͈̪͙̭̲̙̜̹̯͑̽̃̈́̔̆̈́̃̀̌̆͋̇̐̒̄́͆̚̚͜͜͜Ǫ̷̛̛͇̜̘̦̝̘̗̳͇̳̬̙͔͖͔͚̭̝̤̥͒̄́͆́͗͑̍̊̋̂̉̐́͂̈̿̾̾͌̕̚̕͜͝͝ͅṘ̶̢̛̳͉͙̘͕̥̠̰̱͈̟̎̽̈́͑̊̇̏̄͆̀́͗̀̈́̇̅̈̅͋͂̔͂͆̎̚͜͠.
[REDACTED] Oh, sorry, I think something went weird with my microphone.
[V.] Wait a minute, try saying that again.
[MORNINGSTAR] Saying what? Á̸̢̡̛̫͔͎͎̰̖̦̟̜̙͔͓̳̩͇̥̱̣̲̜̠͔̀̉̏͌̈́͗͘̕̕̕̕͠͝ͅL̵̢̨̹͔͇̥͈̤̹̪̮̮͕͖̜͖̹̟͚͈̉͌̓̈́̄̈́͊̓̔̀̽͊̕̚͘ͅA̴̢̛̭̥̼̜̺̝̳͙̙̻̤̠̗͓̻̬͍̱̦͒́̐̓̇̔̒͂͑̃̆̒̀̓̓̋̀͋͘͘͘͜͠S̷̢̛͈̳͈̗̫̫̣̥̹͉͎̪͔̰̲͉̰̫̜͚̳̠̩̼̭̦̉̈́̈́̀͛̇̈́́͒̍͊̉̋͝ͅT̴̨̢̢͉͈̪̣̖̖̗͔͈͎̰̫͈̪͙̭̲̙̜̹̯͑̽̃̈́̔̆̈́̃̀̌̆͋̇̐̒̄́͆̚̚͜͜͜Ǫ̷̛̛͇̜̘̦̝̘̗̳͇̳̬̙͔͖͔͚̭̝̤̥͒̄́͆́͗͑̍̊̋̂̉̐́͂̈̿̾̾͌̕̚̕͜͝͝ͅṘ̶̢̛̳͉͙̘͕̥̠̰̱͈̟̎̽̈́͑̊̇̏̄͆̀́͗̀̈́̇̅̈̅͋͂̔͂͆̎̚͜͠?
[V.] Human, you try.
[REDACTED] ...Á̸̢̡̛̫͔͎͎̰̖̦̟̜̙͔͓̳̩͇̥̱̣̲̜̠͔̀̉̏͌̈́͗͘̕̕̕̕͠͝ͅL̵̢̨̹͔͇̥͈̤̹̪̮̮͕͖̜͖̹̟͚͈̉͌̓̈́̄̈́͊̓̔̀̽͊̕̚͘ͅA̴̢̛̭̥̼̜̺̝̳͙̙̻̤̠̗͓̻̬͍̱̦͒́̐̓̇̔̒͂͑̃̆̒̀̓̓̋̀͋͘͘͘͜͠S̷̢̛͈̳͈̗̫̫̣̥̹͉͎̪͔̰̲͉̰̫̜͚̳̠̩̼̭̦̉̈́̈́̀͛̇̈́́͒̍͊̉̋͝ͅT̴̨̢̢͉͈̪̣̖̖̗͔͈͎̰̫͈̪͙̭̲̙̜̹̯͑̽̃̈́̔̆̈́̃̀̌̆͋̇̐̒̄́͆̚̚͜͜͜Ǫ̷̛̛͇̜̘̦̝̘̗̳͇̳̬̙͔͖͔͚̭̝̤̥͒̄́͆́͗͑̍̊̋̂̉̐́͂̈̿̾̾͌̕̚̕͜͝͝ͅṘ̶̢̛̳͉͙̘͕̥̠̰̱͈̟̎̽̈́͑̊̇̏̄͆̀́͗̀̈́̇̅̈̅͋͂̔͂͆̎̚͜͠.
[V.] Does it just sound like a bunch of radio static?
[REDACTED] Yeah, but why does it sound like that coming out of my mouth?
[V.] Dammit Á̸̢̡̛̫͔͎͎̰̖̦̟̜̙͔͓̳̩͇̥̱̣̲̜̠͔̀̉̏͌̈́͗͘̕̕̕̕͠͝ͅL̵̢̨̹͔͇̥͈̤̹̪̮̮͕͖̜͖̹̟͚͈̉͌̓̈́̄̈́͊̓̔̀̽͊̕̚͘ͅA̴̢̛̭̥̼̜̺̝̳͙̙̻̤̠̗͓̻̬͍̱̦͒́̐̓̇̔̒͂͑̃̆̒̀̓̓̋̀͋͘͘͘͜͠S̷̢̛͈̳͈̗̫̫̣̥̹͉͎̪͔̰̲͉̰̫̜͚̳̠̩̼̭̦̉̈́̈́̀͛̇̈́́͒̍͊̉̋͝ͅT̴̨̢̢͉͈̪̣̖̖̗͔͈͎̰̫͈̪͙̭̲̙̜̹̯͑̽̃̈́̔̆̈́̃̀̌̆͋̇̐̒̄́͆̚̚͜͜͜Ǫ̷̛̛͇̜̘̦̝̘̗̳͇̳̬̙͔͖͔͚̭̝̤̥͒̄́͆́͗͑̍̊̋̂̉̐́͂̈̿̾̾͌̕̚̕͜͝͝ͅṘ̶̢̛̳͉͙̘͕̥̠̰̱͈̟̎̽̈́͑̊̇̏̄͆̀́͗̀̈́̇̅̈̅͋͂̔͂͆̎̚͜͠, we told you The Human specifically didn't bring any video filming stuff so it wouldn't bug you, could you please stop messing with her equipment?
[DUST] Yeah, it's audio, you should love that shit!
[REDACTED] It's alright. Like I said in the brief, I understand certain entities here may want more anonymity than others. It's why I presented the option for a written interview to anybody who'd prefer it.
[10:49:34]
(something unidentified, sounds a bit like microphone feedback)
[10:50:12]
[Á̸̢̡̛̫͔͎͎̰̖̦̟̜̙͔͓̳̩͇̥̱̣̲̜̠͔̀̉̏͌̈́͗͘̕̕̕̕͠͝ͅL̵̢̨̹͔͇̥͈̤̹̪̮̮͕͖̜͖̹̟͚͈̉͌̓̈́̄̈́͊̓̔̀̽͊̕̚͘ͅA̴̢̛̭̥̼̜̺̝̳͙̙̻̤̠̗͓̻̬͍̱̦͒́̐̓̇̔̒͂͑̃̆̒̀̓̓̋̀͋͘͘͘͜͠S̷̢̛͈̳͈̗̫̫̣̥̹͉͎̪͔̰̲͉̰̫̜͚̳̠̩̼̭̦̉̈́̈́̀͛̇̈́́͒̍͊̉̋͝ͅT̴̨̢̢͉͈̪̣̖̖̗͔͈͎̰̫͈̪͙̭̲̙̜̹̯͑̽̃̈́̔̆̈́̃̀̌̆͋̇̐̒̄́͆̚̚͜͜͜Ǫ̷̛̛͇̜̘̦̝̘̗̳͇̳̬̙͔͖͔͚̭̝̤̥͒̄́͆́͗͑̍̊̋̂̉̐́͂̈̿̾̾͌̕̚̕͜͝͝ͅṘ̶̢̛̳͉͙̘͕̥̠̰̱͈̟̎̽̈́͑̊̇̏̄͆̀́͗̀̈́̇̅̈̅͋͂̔͂͆̎̚͜͠] You'll forgive me dear, merely a good-natured practical joke. The name's Alastor!
[10:54:72]
(clasp of a handshake)
[10:55:26]
[A.] And might I say, I deeply appreciate the journalistic integrity and good taste! It's always nice to find a fellow appreciator of the auditory arts.
[REDACTED] Well, just want to make sure this process goes as smooth and painlessly as possible.
[L.] Yeah, uh, does anybody wanna remind me what we have to do with this "process?" I don't love the idea of being stuck in this boring hotel all day doing nerd shit.
[BUCKZO] You don't need to worry, Loony, we'll still mostly be around our office. This is just the get-to-know-sesh, y'know like an AA meeting.
[A.] Although, would you mind terribly, Human, explaining what your process is here? I'm afraid I was never briefed on all the details.
[REDACTED] Ah, okay! So, essentially previous attempts of proving any sort of extraplanar existence just revolve around surface level stuff...merely just sightings of things that we humans would associate as not being "of Earth." My idea for my Master's thesis was to take a different approach; what if we learned about Hell the way we'd learn about any sort of uncharted or undocumented land? Interviewing people who live there, documenting their way of life, the problems they face, cultural customs, things of that nature. Essentially, coming at it from more of a anthropological angle, with more of a, um...not human or humanitarian lens...but, um-
[MRS. KNOLASTNAME] A being-itarian lens!
[REDACTED] Exactly!
[L.] Yup, sounds like nerd shit.
[BUCKZO] Buuuut that nerd shit is gonna be great for business, because imagine how much more clientele we could get if humans were scheduling hits with us the second they got to Hell? Or booking hits in advance of their deaths?! And we'd get so much broader reach if humans knew about us before they got here.
[MORNINGSTAR] Aaaand same goes for the Hotel! Plus, it'll be so helpful to our case to have someone representing us in a positive light that doesn't carry the bias from Upstairs or Downstairs.
[BUCKZO] Ya see? It's a win-win!
[H.] Alright, but who's to say she's gonna find good shit to say? She could expose just a few of the skeletons in any of y'alls closets and then all literal Hell would break loose.
[REDACTED] ...All I can say is that I do genuinely want to approach this process as fairly as possible. I think every place deserves fair representation of itself, its citizens and its cultural practices, even if they're not my own or the general bias of it is negative.
[MORNINGSTAR] And that's exactly why I trust her to do this well. You got a good heart, kid.
[REDACTED] Aw, it's, uh, it's nothing. Just doing my job.
[MORNINGSTAR] Don't be modest! My only gripe is that I bet you won't even need the Hotel once you pass; I bet you get a one-way ticket Upstairs.
[BUCKZO] Alright alright, that's enough sentimentality for me today.
[REDACTED] Ooh, wait, that reminds me!
[13:30:54]
(beep)
[13:31:06]
(click)